#( they own my soul tbh )

[nemo-of-house-hamartia]

Please, someone stop me from listening to Josh Groban, because otherwise I will end up DRAWING ANOTHER "MOTTIE AT BED" ARTWORK.

Like seriously, I cannot.

When I hear him sing "You have no idea" all I can hear is Mathias singing to Dorothea AND MY HEART CANNOT TAKE IT.

IT'S EXPLODING WITH SOFT TENDERNESS.

(and I have become the joke of my own household, because my husband, loving Josh as much as I do, now DOES IT ON PURPOSE OF PUTTING HIM ON OUR SPEAKERS, especially when he sees that I am busy working on something not Mottie-related. He knows how my brain works. HE KNOWS IT. So if sometimes you see me derailing, IT'S MR. NEMO'S FAULT AS WELL).

[stardust-moth]

In order to fully understand why it was so hard for Mike to express how deeply he loves El, and why his speech at the end of season 4 was one of the biggest, most important moments for his entire character, we need to look at not just who Mike is as a person, but also everything that has happened since he met her.

Every single time he opens up his heart to her, something horrible happens to her or she's taken away from him almost immediately afterwards.

1x08; he's an awkward little ball of feelings that are way too big for a boy so young. He makes a nervous attempt at confessing and asking her out on a date; when he can't find words that she'll understand, swoops in for a kiss instead. She lights up immediately and smiles. It's a brief moment of hope and pure happiness. Maybe they can have some semblance of a normal life and be normal kids after this is all over.

Minutes later, all hell breaks loose-- they're almost shot, El pushes herself too far until she can barely move, she's almost taken away by the Bad Men, the Demogorgon appears, and she uses the very last of her strength to sacrifice herself to save him and their friends.

He has to watch helplessly as she disappears.

He spends a year caught between believing she's dead and hoping she's still out there somewhere (but if she is alive then why won't she talk to him anymore...?). Kept silent under threat by the lab, he can't confide in anyone or even acknowledge her existence, not with anyone except those involved... but everyone else is keen on moving on and pretending it never happened. He can find some solidarity in Will, at least, who is in a similar kind of emotional turmoil... but it's not the same and it's not enough.

2x9; he is finally reunited with El, and she runs into his arms like she missed him too. She tells him that all those nights he called out to her, she heard him; she was there reciprocating his feelings the whole time.

In a burst of emotions that he's been forced to suppress for an entire year, he lashes out at the reason they've been kept apart (Hopper), screaming and sobbing. It's a massive catharsis for him, and for once an adult is understanding enough to hold him and not punish him for it.

Minutes later, she is going to go headfirst into a pit of monsters, the place where Mike had just firsthand witnessed dozens of people (if not more) get ripped to shreds only hours earlier, and she is going to attempt to close the Gate-- a feat that he knows may take every ounce of her power, just like last time. He cries. He can't lose her again. She promises he won't, and before she can seal that promise with a kiss, they're pulled apart again.

He has to watch helplessly as she drives away.

3x1; all seems to be okay now. He and El are happily together, and he feels comfortable enough to be playful, romantic, and intimate with her. It's the most emotionally open we've ever seen Mike thus far.

For reasons he can't understand (bc there's no way Hopper explained himself beyond "I'm in charge so do as I say or else"), Hopper is angry about it and threatens to never allow him to see her again: the one thing he fears most.

He panics big time and fucks it up in the process by lying to her. During a frantic attempt to apologize while also abiding by Hopper's rules, he runs into her at the mall. He panics again-- if anyone finds her here, and knows that he was here too, it's all over, and Hopper surely won't hear reason. El dumps him cold on the spot, spurred on by Max and her rebellious attitude (and without any context of course). He isn't given much opportunity to respond. He knows he's in the wrong for lying to her, so what could he even say...?

He has to watch helplessly as she drives away.

It's a hard blow, and he retreats back into himself, unable to get any joy out of playing D&D (which he clearly hasn't lost interest in), back to the deadpan sarcasm and accidentally snapping a little too harshly at anyone whom he feels would take El's place.

3x6; no one seems to understand the danger El is putting herself in. Everyone is berating him for worrying about her safety. He's seen firsthand what these monsters do to people, he's seen firsthand how El pushes her abilities too far. No one is listening.

The words "I love her and I can't lose her again" burst out in his desperation, perhaps before he's even had a chance to realize how deep those feelings run, despite whatever protective walls he's tried to build around his heart to keep it from getting broken again.

Soon after, all hell breaks loose. El is nearly killed several times over, her leg is ripped open, she pushes herself so hard that she breaks herself and loses her powers completely. Her father is taken from her. She's shattered by all of this, and there's absolutely nothing he could do or say to make it better.

She tells him that when he admitted he loves her, she heard him, and indeed she loves him, too... But now she's leaving.

He has to watch helplessly as she drives away.

4x1; they've been apart for a few months, and write letters back and forth to each other. El's letters paint a picture of an ideal new life: she and the Byers family are doing well; she's starting school and it's going well; she's made new friends, she likes her new home, everything is going well. She seems to be thriving. She sounds happy, maybe even happier than she had been living in Hawkins. Maybe Max was right, maybe she's better off being her own person without him, and maybe the respectful thing to do is step back... It's a small insecurity that creeps up subconsciously. In his replies he holds back, afraid of clinging too hard.

Though there's little logic in it, he's afraid that if he tells her he loves her again, another disaster might strike and this lovely happy life she's finally found might get taken from her. After all, that's what always seems to happen when he does.

4x2; after months of waiting, they can finally see each other again. He wears her favorite colors, picks a handful of flowers for her, and falls happily back into step with how they used to be. Soon that same day, however, reality becomes clear and the facade crumbles. People he was told were her friends show up to torment and publicly humiliate her. She had been lying. She isn't happy here, she hasn't healed, she is right at the edge of a breaking point that he doesn't see coming at all. He can't believe she would lie to him, she's not the kind of person to lie... especially not about something like bullying, something that she was always so understanding about with him.

On that logicless subconscious level, he wonders if it's all his fault-- he should have known somehow, he should have been there for her. She protected him from his bullies, he should have protected her from hers. He tries to come to her rescue. She runs away from him.

He's helpless to save her, again.

4x3; after a night to process everything that happened-- and deciding that the betrayal he feels from her lying to him is nothing compared to the turmoil she must be going through right now-- Mike approaches her in the gentlest way possible, wanting to listen and trying to understand. El, however, isn't receptive at all to his attempts at reassurance. She is at an all-time low, she's given up. She believes she is unlovable, irredeemable, a monster, just a thing that doesn't even have those superhuman abilities to compensate anymore. Mike can't believe what he's hearing-- doesn't she know that she's always been so much more than her powers? She's always been so much more than what she lacks in quote-unquote "normalcy"... None of those things matter, they have absolutely no bearing on whether she's worthy of being loved, because he loves her, completely regardless of any of these things. He always has...

El starts flinging his restrained words back at him, the products of his insecurity and trauma-induced fear. That fear takes hold yet again, and he stumbles, afraid of saying too much or not enough, because surely both could result in pushing her away-- she's retreating, hearing none of it; nothing he tries to say consoles her.

Moments later, local police come knocking. She's taken away in cuffs, and she's so broken inside that she won't even look at him when he chases the police car down the street and promises he'll get her out somehow...

Once again, he has to watch helplessly as she drives away.

4x8/4x9; after days of driving through the heat and dryness of southwest desert, having narrowly escaped being shot at with military-grade assault rifles, witnessing the death of and burying a man whose last words were that El is in danger... After watching dozens of people get mowed down by a sniper in a helicopter, and watching that same helicopter be smashed into the ground in a ball of flames...

There she is. Just as powerful and beautiful and alive as she's ever been. When he runs to her and embraces her, she looks at him like she can't believe he's real. She's beaming a smile right from her soul and it's like all the insecurity and self-doubt that have plagued them both just vanish from existence now that they're in each other's arms again.

Like always, however, the universe comes crashing down soon after. Max is marked for a gruesome death and all of Hawkins is in danger. They're miles away and helpless, and the only possible way for El to save everyone is if she goes in alone. She's stronger than ever, but so is her foe. Once again, she descends to face all the demons of hell on her own, and Mike can't do anything.

She's losing. She's choking. She's dying. He's helpless.

He must be cursed. He must be. Being with her, loving her, allowing himself to admit he loves her, it always brings only pain and suffering and loss. His heart is so full that it's aching, it's bursting out of his chest, and he can't contain it any longer.

She's going to die and it's going to be all his fault, because he fell in love, and it's cursed her.

Just before it all crumbles into utter despair, the earnest support from his oldest and dearest friend-- one who's always shared and understood his feelings of helplessness-- sparks a light of hope in him: "You're the Heart." You're not helpless. You can save her.

The words that come spilling out of Mike's mouth are truer than any he's ever dared to speak before, and it's the most terrified he's ever been, but he has enough courage for this moment. Despite all of the fears that have been building, stifling, choking him to death for years-- fears that the light of his life will inevitably disappear again, and there's nothing he can do to stop it-- despite it all, he pours out his heart to her.

He loves her. He's always loved her. He loves everything she ever was, is, and could be. He can't imagine a world without her in it. She saved him, in every way a person can be saved. And he needs her to live. He believes in her.

And it works. It's music to her ears.

[galedekarios]

gale's reaction to the protag offering to sacrifice themselves by becoming a mindflayer

i wanted to share this scene because it's something that not everyone may have seen and because it's a truly wonderfully acted, animated and written scene, showing gale's empathy and selflessness. despite being scared, despite wanting to live, he makes the offer to reconsider using the orb so the protag needn't sacrifice their own life and soul.

you can get the scene by having the protag ask the emperor if by becoming an illithid, they would be able to control the netherstones and absorb orpheus's power.

gale will interrupt the conversation with:

Gale: This is not the kind of decision to make based solely on your own wisdom. We must discuss it - privately.

he will then have an exclamation mark over his head to initiate the full conversation.

here is the transcript as well:

[emopulco]

quick bull & edric warm up bc I miss them a great deal 🫶

[fellamarsh]

another thing i've been trying to do recently is read more self-published stuff. "but fell," you say, "you're a self-published author. surely you've been reading self-published stuff all along" and then i laugh for so long in response we both become uncomfortable.

see, the fear (which has for a long time been killing my mind) that i'll read other self-published stuff and find out that it's so much better than mine that i might as well stop writing forever kept me from doing that basically ever. i have a hard time not unfavorably comparing my work to others and had convinced myself i was being smart by withholding an avenue of de-motivation (reader: i was not being smart). it also doesn't help that i'm pretty low income and have a hard time spending money on books i haven't already read, and that self-published stuff isn't always available at the library---but really a lot of it was just me being a coward. which i'm working on. i could talk about how this particular cowardice is Very Silly, but i think enough has been said about it on writeblr and in the Writing Space in general that i don't feel the need to (though i will if anyone wants me to).

instead, i wanna talk about the self-published things i have read in the past few months and ask about the self-published things you love!

so: what happened was i got real sick, and while i was real sick i (naturally) read over 200,000 words of ace attorney fan fiction in the span of a few days. eventually i got bored of it (and also maybe annoyed at how people were characterizing some of my guys), but i still wanted to read something gay and romantic and nice, something i knew was gonna end happily, which isn't my typical fare.

now you may be saying (having gotten over all the uncomfortable laughter from earlier) "fell, you write gay romance. what do you mean that's not your typical fare?" listen. until a couple months ago i hadn't read a cut and dry romance novel since before i finished college. for context: i graduated in 2015. i know it doesn't make sense. i'm a guy who doesn't make sense.

but in this case it worked to my advantage. not the not making sense thing, but the not having read Published Romance in 1000 years thing. I didn't know where to start. I was very skeptical of everything the library had Available Now in the Gay Fantasy Romance category. what if it was all bad and also not good?

and then i scrolled past the familiar cover of our very own @ashen-crest's A Rival Most Vial.

now this was comfortable territory! this was a novel by a very nice writeblr person whose posts i enjoy! i already loosely knew the plot, i was familiar with the characters, i knew the names of things like rosemond street and the griffin's claw and that ambrose had blue hair and that at the end of it all there would definitely be Boyfriends. i didn't have to worry that this would be bad! i only had to worry that it would be really good!

but i wasn't worried about that, because i was officially Not Writing at the time, and because why the hell hadn't i read this book yet Ash literally emailed me some very kind words last year when my cat died??

Y'all, I devoured ARMV. If you haven't read it yet---especially if cozy fantasy is more your thing than it is mine---you should check it out Immediately. It was fun! It was heartwarming! It was sweet and earnest and confident! I was delighted to find it was occasionally hot! Ambrose and Eli snuggled up into my sick exhausted heart and found a permanent little place there. (Especially Ambrose. I have such a thing for Stiff Guys who Kind of Suck for Tragic Backstory Reasons and are So So Lonely They Don't Even Realize It. gawd)

(And a very small part of my brain spent the whole time wondering why I had been so afraid to really engage with the work my community is doing. The community that I'm in. The one I'm a part of. Why?! Maybe more on that later.)

But from there the curse was broken! I immediately devoured @stjohnstarling's What Manner of Man in a similar sort of frenzy (and hooooly shit guys am I excited for the expanded, finalized version to come out at the end of next month!) and started digging into @lurinatftbn's The Flower that Bloomed Nowhere (which I can already tell is going to be an All Time Favorite).

And now I want to ask you what your favorite self-published books are so that I can read them, too, but I think I will in another post that doesn't dedicate so much space to talking about my various and sundry Issues and isn't Terminally Long

[emberglowfox]

the funniest thing abt that comic is that when i initially came up with That concept (after trying and failing to develop a few others) is that i did try to write it out first and plan it out, and it was gonna be a lot more... depressing? less optimistic? but i couldn't get the dialogue or frames or ANYTHING, right, so i just decided to start thumbnail sketching and make up every page as i went and see what the characters wanted to say

and they. well they wanted to be gay

[jevilowo]

COMIC BINGO COMIC BINGO

I'm half convinced it'll come out in and around the tenth of October for the orange box anniversary and if I'm wrong I'll be DEVASTATED.

I'm also so convinced Charles Darling will be relevant somehow I've dedicated a free space to him. I'm also so wary of the possibility of the 4chan leaks being real I've dedicated the other free space to widespread hatred.

[imminent-danger-came]

I'll never get over the fact that MK trades his friends for power to save his friends. What's wrong with him

[galaxyseclipse]

grant us the knowledge

hmmmmgh okay :)

since you didn’t give anything specific, I’ll just do inkfish anatomy stuff cause I’ve been thinking about it

as always with my massive infodumps, if you have any questions, feel free to ask! :3c

this post is probably gonna end up long as shit, so I'll put a cut here

this is mostly just "traits that both Inklings and Octolings have, and the slightly different ways they have them"

* Tentacle color and movement are huge indicators of emotions. Usually, the more active and saturated they are, the stronger the emotion is. The one exception is sadness, where they will go more limp and lose color. This also applies to photophores, where they will brighten or dim slightly depending on emotions. So unless an individual has a ton of control over themself(or is in general pretty apathetic), these critters are pretty easy to read emotionally.

* Generally, females of both species are taller/bigger than males. Male Inklings are on average about 140-160cm tall while females are about 150-175cm tall. Octoling males and females are about 145-165cm and 160-180cm respectively. Females of both also tend to be more aggressive overall.

* Both races have pretty sharp nails made from chitin, like their beaks. Inklings’ claws are retractable and Octolings’ nails are not, they’re more like hard, pointy extensions of their fingers. Where do they go in swim form? They become spikes in and around their suckers, of course! On Inklings they are in a ring inside the suckers on the club tentacles(five on each one) and on Octolings there's one inside the ring of suckers closest to the center, with the two largest arms getting an additional one.

visual aid because describing that last part was hard lol

* Both races also have spiked tongues, the spikes are only about 1cm long, but pretty sharp and firm. That's essentially how they “chew”: by rubbing food against the inside of their mouths and grinding it up with these spikes. They also use their beaks like how we use our teeth, but because they’re thinner, they need the extra "help". The spikes would raise issues with… stuff, but we’re not worrying about that right now :)

* Speaking of beaks, an inkfish’s beak grows continuously, but pretty slowly. The pointed ends are the areas that grow slightly faster. It’s not uncommon for teenagers to file their beaks to make the longer parts sharper, or make the entire thing serrated, to look cool.(<- Four did this; they regretted it later)

* Inklings and Octolings both can be venomous. The potency ranges from “wait, the tingles aren’t just because you bit me?” to “requires immediate care so as to not fuckin’ die”, with the large majority falling into the middle ground of “I can’t feel my limbs, but I'll be fine”. Generally, one species will be immune to others of the same species’ venom, until the strength gets on that higher end, but even then it probably won’t mess them up too bad. One can build up an immunity through repeated exposure, but most don’t do that because why would you? <- It is way easier to do this if you're already venomous. Octolings are much much more likely to be venomous in some capacity, with only about 1 in 500 not having venom. For Inklings, this ratio is reversed, where individuals with venom are much more rare.

fun little graph with headcanon-y stuff and my characters :3c

* Almost every bodily fluid is based around ink, save for stuff like sweat or other waste. Thus, it’s all at least tinted whatever their current ink color is. They're essentially water balloons filled with inky flesh. have fun getting that out of your nightmares :)

* Since their bodies are more or less held upright purely by ink pressure, when they’re asleep or otherwise unconscious, that pressure goes down(they get a little squishier too). Also, since they don’t have bones, they’re a lot more noodly than a human is when like that. Like disturbingly so.

* And finally, one of my favorite headcanons: hypo- and hyperpigmentism. Basically: the tentacle chromatophores make either too little(hypo) or too much(hyper) pigment, resulting in near-white or near-black tentacles. Ink color can still be changed, but the tentacles don't reflect that change very much. If anything, usually just the ends change color. In older times -at least in Inkadia- people with these conditions were said to be "blessed by the gods" and given high status because of it(why do you think idols are called that? it's definitely not because the word has another meaning). Eventually it was found out to just be a genetic thing, but folktales still circulate. Many higher-class families still "pretend" to have it by adopting a dark or light color over most of the tentacles(Tsunami's family, for instance).

this one's more basic because i lost momentum

———

I could make an entire separate post about like development and hygiene and maybe some more species-specific stuff(and I probably will make those eventually), so I won’t put all that here. This is just some basic stuff for now.

as always with my massive infodumps, if you have any questions, feel free to ask! :3c

[galedekarios]

press x to doubt

[aeligsido]

okay but Sirius who has a blind spot the size of Russia for Regulus. Like, guys it's not his fault if he's supporting Voldemort, it's our family's. It's not his fault if he's turning into a Death Eater, it's because of who he's hanging out with. It's not his fault if he's getting sucked into a blood purist cult, it's because he's too soft, too kind, too naive, too stupid to push back against what they've been taught. He's a good person at heart, Sirius swears, and makes excuses.

But also, Regulus having an equally Russia-sized blind spot for Sirius. It's not his fault if he's getting distant, it's because he's alone in Gryffindor without support. It's not his fault if he's questioning everything they know is true, it's because of his so-called friends. It's not his fault if he's becoming a blood traitor, it's because of the mudbloods and the half-breeds and the blood traitors and fucking Potter. Regulus arguing with his parents for the first time because they can't disown Sirius it's just letting them win and we can't let them keep Sirius.

Sirius distancing himself more and more from his family the more hateful Regulus gets (look at what they're doing to his brother!) and Regulus growing into more and more of a blood purist the more Sirius distance himself (they're stealing his brother, they need to get rid of them!).

And neither of them realizes it either.

[murderyn]

ryn vc: uhm - this is awkward

[vacantgodling]

not to be weird and sappy on main, but frfr i'm so glad i have found a community of people who think my work is good

[luv-again]

okay, sent the thing in. now i'm waiting for that feeling of relief or accomplishment bc by god has it not hit me at ALL

[nexus-nebulae]

thinking about when i had such intense phantom limbs as a kid i told my math teacher about it

[kstormcursed]

kaladin have you heard the song someone made and attributed to tien? ( https://open.spotify.com/track/7Htam0mM3ngrZkvm8GE6Ym?si=7ZbT9aGgRyem7yavU0vHQw also it’s called Hearthstone (Tien’s Theme) if it’s for some reason region locked, idk)

I have now. and I must admit I have spilled a tear or two.

or three.

or four.

or twenty.

been thinking a lot about tien and hearthstone and my parents and my new brother and. idk.

(I also listened to the other Tien song. and. well. maybe a thousand tears would be more accurate 🥲👍ha.ha.ha.ha.ha.)