#'well...have you tried becoming better or something?' and now i'm stuck with the same kind of bs in latin

[thesmokinpossum]

There's an entire category of languages teachers whose genuine reaction to someone struggling to learn a new language is to be like 'well, have you tried to be fluent in the language? It really helps 😊' and that's so profundly useless that I don't even know to react to that tbh

[hispg]

Baby boy

Pairings: Re2! Leon x Fem! Reader

Summary: Your coworker Leon always goes after you for advice, even on the most basic things, even if he doesn't need to.

However, you decided to make him understand your advice in a more... Incisive way.

Wc: 2.2k

Warnings: smut, unprotected sex, p in v, cockwarming, masturbation (M receiving), oral sex (M receiving), Sub! Leon, Dom! Reader, orgasm control/ denial,slightly praise/ degradation, a bit of dirty talk.

Leon was your coworker, sweet and kind. A lovely person to be around. It didn't take long for the two of you to bond, becoming almost inseparable.

He follows you around like a puppy, always on your tail, no matter where, he's always stuck with you. And the kind who always asks you before doing things.

Sometimes he doesn't even need to, but he likes to have your permission to do things, just as he always talked to you and asked for all kinds of advice, even asking for help with his studies.

You never really understood why, but you never complained either, his presence was always very welcome.

And that evening he was once again in your office, sitting in a chair in front of the computer while you explained a subject you had in common. It had become routine for him to sneak into your room late at night, just to have a chat with you whenever he could.

He was still in his uniform, staring intently at the slides on your computer. Even though you had already explained this subject to him last week, he came to ask you for a further explanation. You understood that he might be nervous about the police academy exams, but that much?

While you were explaining, it wasn't long before he was sitting comfortably in the chair you were using, with his legs wide open, on purpose. If he was being frank, the sound of your voice was enough to make him lose focus, it's not as if he was paying attention to anything you were saying. Blue eyes staring at you, watching the way your lips opened and closed, the way you looked so beautiful while you were focused on explaining things to him.

Of course it was a lie that he had come here to have you teach him this subject, he could have tried to study on his own. However, what fun would it be if it wasn't for you explaining it?

"Leon, my eyes are up here." You mutter, leaning on the table and crossing your arms, raising an eyebrow.

He coughed awkwardly, looking at you in confusion, "Eh, pardon me. Go on, I'm listening."

You scoffed, knowing full well that he hadn't paid attention to a word you'd said. The way his cock began to harden under his pants was a sign as clear as day.

You now perfectly confirmed why he was here. He needed some incisive teaching, something strict to learn from. A punishment, if you were bad enough to do it.

And you were.

"I know you're not paying attention." You whispered, running your fingers along his knee, stopping at his thigh.

It was enough for his breathing to fail and him to swallow. The poor thing got even harder with that simple touch. How pathetic could that sound?

"Uhm.. I'm sorry. I promise I will-," You didn't even let him finish speaking, you simply hovered your hand over his erection. Staring at him with a certain impudence in your eyes.

"Apologies are no use if you're not going to get better, Leon." Words that made him shudder, biting his lower lip to hold back any whimper that might escape his lips.

With your index finger you traced the size of his cock through his pants, making a point of maintaining eye contact during the process. His puppy eyes followed your every move, looking up at you with a sly expression.

"Take it out." You demanded flatly, crossing your arms and waiting for him to take off his pants.

And to your surprise he did, without any reluctance at all. He just undid his belt, lifted his hips and pulled down his pants and boxers in one swift movement. His fat cock sprang out at the same moment, the pink, swollen tip begging for your touch.

Poor guy, you'd be so mean.

"That's what you came here for, isn't it?" you asked, gripping the base of his cock tightly, and he whimpered like a little bitch at the same moment.

The way you felt his veins pulsing in your hands made you smile with a certain pity. How much did he want it? How depraved of touch was he to get hard just looking at you? What a silly little thing he was.

His hands rested on his thighs, as he tried to keep his breathing steady, "I wanted to see you." He says, looking at the work your hand was starting to do.

A sneer leaves your lips, and you rub your thumb over the tip of it, pressing your face against his. So close that his breath was hitting you.

"Missing me? What an ugly excuse, Leon." You purred, giving his jaw wet kisses. Slowly jerking him off.

The poor guy wasn't even in a state to protest, biting his lip to hold back the sly noises he was still trying to disguise. But he never could.

Your fingers wrapped around the base of his cock, moving up and down, making a point of suddenly increasing the pace, only to see him moan softly, roll his eyes back and look at you.

"I-I can?" He asked shyly, looking down at your breasts, his gaze undoubtedly hungry. He couldn't keep his hands off you, but today you wouldn't let him touch an inch of you without permission.

"No." You murmured with a shrug, kneeling in front of him. At the same moment, his eyes went wide, his breathing quickened. His focus was only on you, nothing else.

He was so obedient that you didn't even have to ask, he automatically spread his legs wider to accommodate you. Wide open for you to do whatever you wanted with him.

"Such a cute thing." You murmured with a mischievous smile, digging your nails gently into his thighs, watching him squirm and whimper with every touch.

He was so desperate, jerking his hips at you, wanting you to do something with his hard-on. Any touch would do.

You couldn't help yourself and let out a giggle, putting your hands on his hips to keep him in place, kissing and nibbling his thighs, licking and leaving a few marks here and there.

"Nhm, please..." He pleaded in a grunt, looking down at his lap. Poor thing was already leaking, pre cum dripping down his pink tip.

"How pathetic, are you going to cum with just those touches?" You murmured, licking the sticky liquid dripping from him, giving the head of his cock a light lick.

He moaned, loudly. Letting his head fall back, holding on tightly to the edges of the chair. He wanted you so much, so much he couldn't describe it.

His cock throbbing and twitching, he knew it wouldn't last long, not with you in front of him.

You could already see your own arousal rising, your panties starting to get soaked, and you found yourself humping nothing in search of some friction.

Without giving him any warning, you pressed your plump lips to his tip, making a point of wrapping your tongue around the sensitive part, trying to contain the naughty smile that appeared on your face.

Your fingers trailed down his inner thigh, down and down until you found his balls, massaging lightly, only to hear the dirty sounds he could no longer control.

"Ah-ah, holy shit!" He cries out, biting his lower lip hard, looking at you with piteous eyes. He wanted you so much. But wanting wasn't being able to.

And he started moaning even more when you put him all in your mouth, sucking his cock down to the base, your lips wrapped around his entire length, moving up and down, tongue curling and teasing him in every sensitive spot you could find.

His eyes rolled into the back of his head every time, hips moving upwards in desperation for your touch. His cheeks were so red that he couldn't hide the blush even if he tried very hard.

"Hmh.. I think I'm close." He groaned, opening his eyes to see you, biting his lip at the sight in front of him.

You were choking on his cock, saliva and cum running down the length of it. You couldn't deny it, for someone as baby-faced as him, he certainly had an impressive size.

You continued, even though you knew he was close to cumming, but then you stopped. As soon as you felt his hips jerking upwards in a deep thrust into your mouth, that's when you withdrew your hot lips from his cock. Seeing his sly, crying face, God, why did you have to be like that?

"Oh- Please, please!" He begged, looking at you with tear-streaked eyelids, tears that threatened to fall. He was so excited that he felt like the world around him had stopped.

You smiled at his pleas, looking him up and down. A devilish grin plastered across your face.

"What? Don't tell me you're going to cry." You teased him, sliding your hand under his uniform, squeezing and lightly scratching his chest.

"Fuck. Hell, let me cum..." another plea, and of course he could do it on his own. It wasn't as if you had tied his hands and prevented him from moving.

But he liked taking orders. He liked being treated like a little boy who obeyed every order he was given, he loved it.

Just as you saw his hands coming towards you, trying to grab you by the hips and pull you towards him.

"Hands off." You say, standing up once again.

He whimpers, looking at you slyly, asking for something. You wouldn't be mean to leave him in this state, would you?

"Well, since you weren't paying attention. Looks like I'm going to have to explain everything again." You said nonchalantly, taking no time to take off your clothes, standing naked in front of him.

He gasped, his lips parted as he looked you up and down, his imagination running wild.

And then you mounted him, rubbing your wetness against his tip, giving his lips a little kiss. And there went his hands again, gripping the seat of the chair tightly, so tightly that he could tear the padding if he wanted to.

"You're going to be quiet and listen to me, and I don't want you to cum. Understood?" You say seriously, staring at him as you sink onto his cock, warm, gummy walls nestling him.

"Yes... Yes ma'am." He says in a moan, holding his trembling thighs, taking deep breaths to contain himself. The way you welcomed him so well, how could he hold back like that?

He was a crying mess, staring at your naked figure on his lap, biting his lip and trying to keep his attention on your eyes. But he couldn't, all he did was look down. Seeing the way his cock was buried in you, so deep.

Your breasts swaying slightly as you gestured, your wetness making a mess of his thighs. God, he was fucked.

"I can't hold it." He murmured, moaning loudly and clenching the seat of the chair, holding his hips and avoiding thrusting into you.

You scoffed, holding him by the chin, "Mh? The pretty boy can't hold it? Mh? Dick throbbing so much he needs to empty into me?" You knew that dirty talk was his weak point, and you used it to your advantage.

He cries out, letting his head fall back a little. Unconsciously pushing against you. At least he was trying.

How long had you been explaining? It had been a good few minutes, but maybe he could hold out just a little longer.

You started grinding against him, pulling him into a sloppy kiss, letting your hands roam free over his abdomen, squeezing every bit you could find.

He was finished, not even muffling his sounds with your mouth helped. Your living room was echoing every dirty noise he made, so exciting.

"I want you to sing to me." You purred during the kiss, starting to ride him.

You had no pity, you started doing it fast and deep, listening to his flesh hit yours. Skin against skin, making that unholy noise.

"Ah- fuck- shit- slowly!" He managed to babble, your name slipping from his lips with each bounce.

You felt his body arch up, squirming even more underneath you, he couldn't hold back the minute your walls began to clench against him, it was too much, enough for him to paint your insides white.

He was so high that you had to cover his mouth with yours, while you were still riding him until you came.

"Be quiet, or I'll be doing this all night." A threat or a gift? He couldn't tell, he wasn't even in his right mind to say anything.

And then you came, your fluids mixing with his as you both moaned against each other's lips.

You could still feel his hot cum oozing out, it was such a load. Just for you.

And there he was, drained, panting, not even able to open his eyes from how excited he was, still recovering from the high. And you didn't look much different.

Maybe, just maybe, after tonight he'll need another one of those... Your lessons.

[ghostandsoap]

Sitting with a Show

John "Soap" MacTavish x Fem! Reader Tags: NSFW. Smut. Cockwarming. Soap being a jerk lol. A/N: Horrible title. Will change it when I come up with something better. Word Count: 1.0k "Your odds are lookin' good."

"Hey, hey..." Soap warned, his grip on your hips tightening. "Stop it. Watchin' the game here."

"John, this is ridiculous," You hissed. "There will be a million soccer games other than this one."

"Football," He corrected, giving the side of your thigh a smack. "None of that soccer rubbish."

"It's the same thing," You gruffed, whimpering when he shifted his hips underneath you. "Every game is the same."

His tip hit the furthest part inside of you that it could, and your arms and legs were beginning to get fuzzy. Soap's cock had been stuffed inside of you for what felt like hours now - completely hard and prodding at all the right places.

He was perfectly comfortable, sunken into the mattress, propped up just enough so he could properly see the TV that was screaming with bright colors of soccer field turf and fans dressed for their team in the stands. He could see the screen over you, much to your demise.

To be completely honest, this whole ordeal did seem fun at first. It was something different, and something you hadn't tried before. It was arousing to think about Soap being buried inside of you with no promise of friction or relieving stimulation. It was supposed to drive him crazy. It was supposed to make him desperate for you...make him beg for you.

However, it seemed that your devious plan fell apart when he decided to take advantage of it and turn the tables on you.

"I don't know why you're complainin' so much," He chuckled, completely unbothered. "This was your idea, sweet stuff."

So now, you were stuck with him taunting you and torturing you with his cock by doing nothing with it - and he was too invested in his stupid soccer/football game to even think about giving in. His eyes were glued to the TV screen behind you, his gaze barely peeling away for merely a moment.

He was having fun watching you fall apart over his attention being elsewhere in a situation where you were fully naked and at his disposal. The circumstances were great for an even better lovemaking session. But Soap was having too much fun playing the game you originally intended to play.

"I might as well go home at this point," You growled, seriously considering getting up and leaving. "So fucking annoying."

At this point, it was beginning to piss you off more than anything. It was the frustration with his stubbornness and irritation for not getting what you wanted. Frankly, you were beginning to feel bad for previously wishing this upon him.

"Hey...don't be like that," He said in a tone that was demanding, but also sympathetic. "We're havin' fun, princess."

His eyes were set on you now, his irises moving back and forth as he focused on your expression to see if this was beginning to become too much for you. Soap could be a bit intentionally aggressive in the bedroom sometimes, but he never let it get to the point where you weren't enjoying yourself.

He studied carefully, looking for anything that let him know he needed to stop. You were definitely getting antsy, and every minute that passed you were growing more needy.

But you weren't at your breaking point...yet.

"You're having fun," You growled, tears beginning to form in your lower lash line. "I'm not getting-"

To shut you up, Soap gave a quick, firm thrust up into you, making a strained cry leave your throat at the feeling of finally having some kind of movement. Soap let out a low, erotic groan at the sound of your wetness getting pushed around and the sight of it smeared onto his lower stomach made his cock twitch within you. He stayed still for a moment, only moving again when your shoulders relaxed.

He watched your expression as he lifted you off of his cock just enough before sinking you back down, his hips rolling up to thrust into you. You visibly shuddered, a whimpered plea for more sounding from you.

He fucked you slow for a bit, giving you just enough to begin to satisfy you, but not enough to curb your craving for him. He saw your blown pupils and flushed skin, tell-tale signs that you were completely maxed out and ready for more.

Too bad he had a soccer game to watch.

His hip movements stopped, and you were back to square one - completely swallowing his cock between your legs, but no promise or sign of anything more. The look on your face was priceless - an overwhelming expression of disappointment, disbelief, and betrayal. Soap would've felt bad for you...except he didn't.

"You're...you're gonna fuck me, right?" You asked, words breathy and voice barely audible.

He gave a chuckle so mischievous and smug that it almost made you tear up again. He reached for one of your hands, pressing your knuckles to his lips with a smirk.

"Sure, I'll fuck you..." He gave a shit eating grin when he saw your eyes light up. "...if they win."

Against your better judgment, you turned your head to look at the TV, your stomach dropping when you saw that the game was just over halfway through the first half...and the scores were tied. Not only did you have another half to go, but there was a chance that you might make it to the end of the game and receive no end to this torture at all. Maybe if you were lucky, you could convince him during halftime.

Soap laughed again at your agitated look, giving your backside a playful squeeze.

"Cheer up, pretty girl. They've had a good year so far," He said, referring to his preferred team. "Your odds are lookin' good."

Soap wasn't showing any signs of letting up, and you didn't have a choice but to endure the rest of this game and hope for a winning game.

This was going to be the longest game of your life.

[hunn1e-bunn1e]

Dorm Heads - Sinbad (MAGI) Male Reader

🐇.•°•.🐇.•°•.🐇.•°•.🐇.•°•.🐇.•°•.🐇.•°•.🐇.•°•.🐇.

Sinbad has seven Djinn Equips and there just so happen to be seven characters in this ask, so I sorted each one to whomever fits it the best. The Reader is still from another world, but this time they're from MAGI as the king of Sindria. I hope this is adequate to what you wanted. —Benny🐰

                                                                                                   

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🌹 Please have mercy, Riddle doesn't know how to handle flirting at all! Seriously, stop that! Don't corner him against the wall and lean over him like that! Don't hold his chin between your fingers and lift his head that way! Don't whisper in his ear all sensual-like! Are you trying to kill him!? Really; Riddle might just explode if you continue like this, going by the steam that keeps billowing from his ears. He's never been the object of affection of such a handsome man before; it's flattering and overwhelming at the same time.

🌹 You're a king? You!? But you're so irresponsible; with the way you quite literally run from him every time he tries to make you do your homework. Riddle honestly thought you were lying at first but after seeing how diplomatic you were during the unbirthday party, he actually started to believe it. He later witnesses that when you do your work, you stay holed up in your room until it's completed to perfection. Oftentimes, Riddle will go to you for advice on how to be a better leader for the students of Heartslabyul.

🌹 A gift, for him? Riddle is a little flustered, he's not too used to people getting him things out of the kindness of their heart; it's usually fear that marks the occasion. But what did you get him? Show him, he hates surprises— WHAT THE HELL!? Where in the world did you get this!? How much did this cost you!? What do you mean 'it was only half a billion'!? Congratulations, Riddle is now malfunctioning; he's stuck between being flattered that you'd spend that much money on him and being furious that you didn't use it for something more important.

🌹 Excessive jewelry and other accessories are strictly forbidden; such things could become a distraction to yourself and other students! Wait! Those are weapons!? That's even worse! Riddle is losing his mind with you, right now! You can't bring weapons into a school environment, such things are against the law! He'll have to confiscate them. Unfortunately, Riddle's unique magic doesn't seem to work on you for some reason; so his efforts are always in vain.

🌹 Riddle has his first encounter with your Furfur Djinn Equip when you sapped the light out of his bedroom using its magic. From then onwards you used it to annoy him (read as try to make him relax a bit) whenever he's busy for more than four hours. He would say he hates it, but he can't deny that your demonic-looking appearance is very appealing to the eyes; not that he'd tell you. Riddle secretly wants to touch your horns but he's far too prideful to tell you; too bad you've already noticed his fleeting glances.

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"O‐oh, for me? Thats very kind of you, My Rose. W-wait, how much did you say this was? Half a billion! Why would you spend such a ridiculous amount of money!? My face isn't red— No— Listen to what I'm saying!"

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🦁 Oho? You're a flirt I see, Leona can certainly get behind that. It does help that you're one handsome man as well. Do you wanna lay the charms on him? Go right ahead and do your worst if you're brave enough to face this beast of a man. Just be prepared for when Leona decides to flirt back; too bad for you he's not exactly the chivalrous type. This lazy lion prince is ready to give you the most risqué tongue lashing of your life; figuratively and literally if you're down for it.

🦁 Leona could tell that you were royalty of some type just by the way you dressed, but you also had a certain about you that only natural-born leaders have. He completely understands your aversion to work, he feels it too, work sucks man. You once offered Leona to be your queen, since you were already the king, and to rule Sindria by your side; he may or may not be seriously considering it...

🦁 Being the second prince of the Sunset Savana, Leona is certainly no stranger to expensive gifts, so getting him anything expensive doesn't really surprise you too much. You're rich, he's rich, the gift only cost you half a billion— Wait... half a billion? Leona will absolutely give you a look of complete and utter confusion as to why you think half a billion is such a small sum of money. He can see Ruggie in the background salivating...

🦁 So you're telling him that the jewelry you're wearing can be used as a weapon? Sure.... you'll have to sit Leona down and explain to him about Djinn, metal vessels, dungeons and, dungeon capturing. Well... that is if you can convince him to stay awake long enough to let you explain it. Leona has a bunch of z's to catch, so if you don't mind he'll be taking his long overdue nap now.

🦁 Leona has a love-hate relationship with your Valefor Djinn Equip. On the one hand, he appreciates the beastman-like features that appear when it's equipped as well as the clothing style, but do you have to be so damn cold!? Don't get him wrong, Leona loves cuddling with his boyfriend but your skill has a natural chill to it in that form. It's gotten to the point where he'll refuse to touch you until you go back to normal.

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"AAGH! D‐dammit you're cold, let go of m‐me. How am I s'posed to fall asleep if 'm freezing my ass off? Go back to normal 'n I'll hold you as long 'n as tight as you want, kay?"

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🐙 You're flattery will get you absolutely nowhere! At least, that's what Azul wishes was the truth. Ugh! You're so damn suave and so damn fine that it's killing him! How is he supposed to talk you into signing a contract when you're leaning over his desk and looking at him like you'd eat him if Jade and Floyd weren't in the room!? Poor Azul is ready to pull out his hair with how many revisions you've sweet-talked him into making to the contract. He's got a business to run dammit!

🐙 Oho? A king you say? Perhaps if you would take him there, he could give your people an offer they couldn't refuse. Unfortunately for Azul, any plots he had for trapping you or your people in a deal were swiftly shut down by you holding a sword to his throat. He was equal parts terrified, disappointed, understanding and, really turned on. Azul still wants to go to Sindria though; maybe even as one of your vassals representing Twisted Wonderland's Coral Sea if you'd let him.

🐙 You got him a gift? You're not trying to bribe him or anything are you? Azul is definitely no stranger to attempted bribery considering it happens about once or twice per day. But eventually, after a bit of insisting on your part he'll accept it... and then promptly return it because there is no way you would give him something that looks so expensive for anything other than bribery. If you try an calm his nerves by telling Azul that it only cost you half a billion and it really wasn't that expensive; his blood pressure will skyrocket. Dear lord, save this man...

🐙 My, that's quite a bit of jewelry you have there, you wouldn't mind parting with a few items, would you? Now, now, Azul's only asking for a friend, no need to get up in arms about it. The cecaelia mer, being quite observant, did notice that your jewelry and a few weapons are where you get your otherworldly powers from. While Azul would love to have access to that power, since old habits die hard, he still restrains himself because he doesn't want you to distrust or dislike him.

🐙 Azul is very cautious about your Baal Djinn Equip; lightning and water are not too good a combination in this case. However, he admits must you look very dashing and handsome in the clothes and jewelry you wear; he can't help but take a few glances at your bare chest, your draconic features are also very eye-catching to him and he can't help but briefly think of a certain dragon fae. While Azul usually just observes you from a respectable distance; he's not entirely opposed to being in your arms.

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"H‐handsome? Me? I— if this is some kind of joke it's not funny! Y‐you're flattery will get you no nowhere. N‐now if you would just sign here... Hm? Revision? A D‐DATE! Hold on—!"

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🪲 Aww, you're so nice! Kalim doesn't quite understand why you're so fixated on complimenting him, but he really likes it! He definitely returns the favor tenfold; not just to repay you, but also because he thinks you're a very handsome man. Another thing he doesn't get is why Jamil keeps shooting you sharp looks when you give him some of the weirder compliments. But Kalim doesn't mind too much, even when you back him against a wall, he just takes it as an invitation to cling to you.

🪲 Wow! You're royalty too!? And a king no less! Kalim thinks that's so awesome! You should definitely expect a ton of questions about what it's like to rule an entire country. What kind of responsibilities do you have as king? Do you have to make any hard decisions that could impact your people? What kind of holidays do you have there? Can he go there one day? And so on, and so on. Wait! Where are you going? Kalim still has more questions to ask you; you can't leave yet!

🪲 Wow! Did you get him a gift? You're so nice, it looks so cool too! Kalim is absolutely ecstatic to receive anything from you, be it a conversation, a compliment, physical affection, a gift or even a simple hello! Huh? Half a billion Madol? Okay! Kalim will find you something just as expensive and go out of his way to get a job, save up a bunch of money, and buy it for you! He can't let the gift you gave him go unreciprocated!

🪲 You have genies in your jewelry!? That's so cool! Please call them out so that he can meet them all, Kalim has so many questions! Tell him about all of your dungeon-capturing adventures, he'll be entertained for hours on end. Jamil is crying tears of joy. He will also somehow convince your djinn to come out and share the many adventures that they had with you and their previous holders. Expect to have to tell him at least five of your adventures a day, Kalim doesn't care if you run out of them, you're such a good storyteller.

🪲 Poor Kalim was truly in shock when he saw your Zepar Djinn Equip for the very first time. You got so tiny after that huge light show; he was surprised. For him, this Djinn Equip is his favorite because you're basically a really cute living megaphone. Kalim thinks your round belly is really cute; when you're under a blanket you look like you're holding a pumpkin. He's glad to have a mini boyfriend he can carry around like a teddy bear, it's super fun.

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"WAH! You got small! You're so adorable now! Oh; and your ears are so long too! Can you hear better like that? Hey, what can you in this form? Is it like the other one's you've shown me so far?"

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🪞 Flattery will get you everywhere; especially with Vil! However, this pretty boy has definitely heard it all; or at least he thought he had before he met you. No one had ever been quite so bold with him before. You laid your intentions out on the table right off the bat, and frankly, he found that really hot. I mean, who wouldn't want to be swept off their feet by a handsome king such as yourself? You want to make Vil your queen, you say? Oh my, buy him dinner first, you sly devil.~

🪞 A king, you say? Well, Vil did notice that you had a regal air about you, even if it was a bit overshadowed by that boyish charm of yours. But now you've got him thinking about you're proposition to make him your queen. Were you really serious about that? If you are, Vil has a long list of suggestions that he believes would improve your future shared kingdom. So what if he's never been there before, he's got to make some changes now before he walks into what might be a hot mess.

🪞 Now Vil and his family are quite wealthy, nowhere near royalty, but they still have a hefty sum to their name. This means he is no stranger when it comes to expensive clothing, accessories, skincare, and food. He has absolutely no issues with you spending a ridiculous amount of money on a gift for him. Vil just gives you an ecstatic "Oh! You shouldn't have!"

🪞 What a lovely medley of jewelry you've got there, but um... don't you think it's just a tad bit excessive? Not that you don't look absolutely dashing just the way you are, but maybe take off one or two? Vil only wants the best for you and that means fashion-wise as well. They're your weapons as well? Well, weapon or not, Vil will not allow you to walk around with a clashing color scheme! Rose gold is out of season, you know.

🪞 You know how Vil hates Neige because he feels insecure about his appearance when he's around? Yeah... that's how he feels about your Vepar Djinn Equip. He's never seen such ethereal beauty before and it's eating him up inside! He's torn between admiring his handsome boyfriend and cursing you for being more visually appealing than he is. Vil eventually accepts it though, you are his after all, and as long as he has you he can let it slide, just this once.

👑•♡•👑•♡•👑•♡•👑•♡•👑•♡•👑•♡•👑•♡•👑

"I didn't call you old, listen closer to what I'm saying to you! I said you had a mature look about you; It's a compliment. Not many men can pull it off like you can, so you should be grateful."

🔱•♡•🔱•♡•🔱•♡•🔱•♡•🔱•♡•🔱•♡•🔱•♡•🔱

💀 Stop. Seriously, stop. You will actually kill this man if you start flirting with him in any aspect at all. Even a compliment is a death sentence for Idia. But if you really do desire to send him straight to an early grave, do as you wish. This poor man can barely even function around someone as handsome and imposing as you are. Idia can barely breathe around you, his palms are sweaty, his knees weak, not to mention all the blood loss from his ever-flowing nose due to your sparsely clothed chest.

💀 As if Idia needed any more of a reason to feel like he doesn't deserve to even be near you; he finds out you're a King. Why is this happening to him!? No, he can't go with you back to Sindria! Even if Idia really wants to because it sounds a lot like the kingdom from "WIZ - Maze of Sorcery" and its two sequels; "WIZ - Queendom of Sorcery" and "WIZ - Outings of Bob".

💀 You didn't have to buy him anything, you're going to make him feel bad! Idia doesn't need you to spend money on him, not that he doesn't appreciate it, because he really does. A new box set of a ton of animes that were just released on DVD? Well... you were the one who offered so Idia reluctantly says it's fine. W‐wait... d‐did you say... half a b‐billion... Oh! It looks like he fainted!

💀 Do you think— Would you mind if Idia used some of your magic jewelry for a few of his cosplays? He'll take good care of them, he promises! Actually, if you don’t want to lend him anything, could you... cosplay with him? Idia completely understands if you don't want to, I mean who wants to spend time with him anyway? But... the offer is still up if you ever consider it...

💀 After seeing your Crocell Djinn Equip, Idia finally understood why you weren't at all cautious about his hair. He accidentally went on a tangent about how you reminded him of a character from a manga he read once and how you were like his 'irl SSR Secret Quest Reward, Boyfriend', whatever that meant. Sometimes, Idia will ask you to go into your Djinn Equip so that you can play with his hair like that one scene in that Shoujo anime you both watched together.

🔱•♡•🔱•♡•🔱•♡•🔱•♡•🔱•♡•🔱•♡•🔱•♡•🔱

"That's way cool! A mystery boss stage with percentage boost in SSR gear and a companion character too! It's just like 'Last Delusion'! EH!? You've never heard of it!? Come on, I'll show you!"

🐉•♡•🐉•♡•🐉•♡•🐉•♡•🐉•♡•🐉•♡•🐉•♡•🐉

🐲 You're not scared of him? At all? You do know who he is right? Malleus Draconia: strongest mage in the NRC, prefect of the infamous Diasomnia dorm, heir to the throne of the Valley of Thorns? You do? Instead of finding him fear-inducing, you called him... gorgeous? Handsome? A sight for sore eyes? Consider Malleus a very flustered and confused dragon fae. He's used to getting compliments from Lilia and his vassals but from you? He feels like he's melting but in a good way. Well... he thinks so, at least.

🐲 A fellow royal? Oh, you're a king too? I hope you don't mind Malleus asking about the details of how you rule over Sidria because he has a lot of questions. He is also set to be the king of the Valley of Thorns in the future, so he wants to gain as much knowledge concerning ruling a country as possible. Malleus's ears are open; tell him anything and everything. How was Sindria established? How do you handle the punishment of your people who break the laws you set in place? Etcetera...

🐲 Malleus is quite wealthy due to his status as the prince of the Valley of Thorns, so he isn't exactly bothered by the thought of receiving expensive gifts. The price of said gift also doesn't seem to phase him. In fact, just like you, he sees such a sum of money as mere pocket change. Malleus is a dragon as well as exceptionally old, he and his grandmother have amassed quite a mountain of wealth in the many years that they have been alive. Nonetheless, he is very grateful for the gift.

🐲 That's quite the lovely set of jewels you have adorning your body there. Please spare this poor dragon boy, he's struggling to hold back his hoarding instincts. His brain is sounding the alarm bells and all he can think is "big shiny, big shiny, big shiny, bi–". Don't be too alarmed if a wild Malleus in his dragon form or otherwise swoops down and whisks you away. Though you may have to worry about leaving his hoard; it will be very difficult, I can assure you. You may just find yourself back where you started; trapped in Malleus's arms.

🐲 Malleus has seen each and every one of your Djinn Equips and if he had to pick a favorite, it would be your Focalor Djinn Equip, followed closely by your Baal Djinn Equip due to draconic appearance. The reason he favors Focalor's is that he can, instead of taking a moonlit stroll, fly through the night in the arms of his boyfriend without needing to go into his dragon form. Malleus had never been swept off his feet, but now he has, literally.

🐉•♡•🐉•♡•🐉•♡•🐉•♡•🐉•♡•🐉•♡•🐉•♡•🐉

"Child of man, these dungeons you speak of; did they perhaps house any gargoyles? I couldn't help but ask, what with all the fantastical creatures and items that you mentioned being within them."

🐇.•°•.🐇.•°•.🐇.•°•.🐇.•°•.🐇.•°•.🐇.•°•.🐇.•°•.🐇.

Wanna see similar content? Check out my Masterlist!

[harmonysanreads]

Hello there! 👋 I really like your al haitham fics and I was wondering...

if you could do a yan! al haitham with a reader who's sweet and friendly? (Basically a sunshine reader cause I like sunshine characters to balance out the cold characters)

(Hope your having a good day! :) )

Apricate

yandere alhaitham x reader

cw(s) : general yandere themes

no because I'm so soft for this pairing too (T▽T) Sunshine x Sunshine Protector so trueee

Alhaitham has found himself in a predicament as of late.

Well, ‘predicament’ as far as the time it's requiring him to decipher the case — which, if he was honest, has snowballed further than what he deems efficient of himself. Whenever Alhaitham finds himself in a pickle, his tactic is to assess the weakest link of the situation, so that it's solved with minimum energy and action. However this time, doing that had just resulted in him being stuck in his head for weeks, vacillating between the plethora of methods to integrate your existence with his — without any repercussions.

And by which, he means for your hand in marriage.

Now, this questionable phrasing appearing to be a misnomer for a rather harmless intention for someone of his age, would've sounded less absurd if the conditions for a proposal with such social importance were met — you know, if both parties were familiar and shared adequate affections to escalate to that stage. The Acting Grand Sage is not delusional, you and him barely know each other (or at least, you do) but does that stop him from planning ahead?

No, not when he's certain there'd be no such gap remaining once he's finally cracked the code.

If Alhaitham was being honest, he truly has achieved it all : academic accomplishments, a stable job with a handsome wage, a spacious house, his title as one of Sumeru's heroes and his looks as the cherry on top — the only thing lacking now, is someone to bring warmth to his house (and no, his leech of a roommate does not count). It's fairly recent that such an idea or need occurred to him, being most content with his own presence for all his life, he had thought that he could pass the rest just the same.

Had it been the images of lovers strolling along the streets of Sumeru hand-in-hand that he'd previously paid no heed to? Had it been the children coddled alongside their parents and the passing thought, could he have that, too? If he tried? Or was it just you, who'd become the challenger of his views?

He's well-aware of how he's seen at times ; an emotionless rock. Which is why his late-grandmother had been concerned at the earlier days, even the most self-sufficient human is bound to crave connection at one point and who would accept him, if he continued to be like this? Alhaitham had thought about it long and hard, does he need to change himself to be accepted by you, at least? Would his brooding bluntness dent your amicability?

Alhaitham has only talked to you thrice, but three times is all he needed to confirm that no, he needn't put on a facade when you can just become the flower blooming alongside the rock ; balance his flaws and in turn, he'll balance yours. And what better way to ensure that equilibrium than through the sacred bond of marriage?

Now, if only these other pests could stop leeching off of your attention.

Alhaitham watches from his peripheral, there is you, surrounded by a group of people again. It seemed as though you came to the library for something important but instead got swarmed by your ‘friends’ asking for help with this and that. Normally, you delightedly handle these crowds, solving each of their dilemmas with grace. Today though, it seemed your urgency weighed more.

Disappointing as it is admirable in a way, people of all kind seem to always flock around you. The Acting Grand Sage understands better why they do, your luminous countenance has drawn him to this pit as well. But unlike those fools, at least he isn't blind to your personal space. The predicament as a result, is like this : how can he form that connection with you if you're always surrounded by these self-serving idiots and achieve his greater plan of a peaceful, fulfilling life?

He notices your attention shift to his person at the corner of the library, you're quickly giving apologetic smiles to everyone surrounding you, pushing past the crowd and making your way to him. If you looked back, you'd be able to see the array of flabbergasted faces, some then morphing into distaste when they see who exactly you'd abandoned them for — but you don't, as per the Scribe's advice.

Alhaitham pretends to be taken aback when you sheepishly greet him and ask if you could sit with him, he responds in the positive and you heave a sigh of relief.

You did it.

“I did it. I did as you advised me.”

The corner of Alhaitham's lips curve slightly, his gaze flickers between the page of his book and yourself before him.

“And how do you feel?”

You halt for a moment, as if processing your very being from the inside out to answer that question.

“I...I feel free, strangely.”

This time the Scribe fully settles on the writings of the book, taking his quill and running it along the surface of the page in a crossing motion.

“I told you so.”

Alhaitham gains the solution at last ; he needn't get rid of them himself, he merely has to make you see the bad influences of your life and have you cut them off by yourself.

First step : achieved.

[familyvideostevie]

living high until that fatal day

a/n: i never do this. literally, never. when i'm not here i'm writing stuff that's not x reader for ao3 and this is a fic i posted over there. it's a time loop story about joel and ellie. @bageldaddy told me i had to post it here. without her this fic would not exist. thank you so much, bea. so, here we go. if you read it, thank you. let me know what you think. joel miller & ellie williams gen fic. 7.5k words warnings: Time Loop, Fluff and Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, kind of???, it resolves, Suicide, only in one of the loops!, Canon-Typical Violence, joel gets stuck and has to figure it out, Father-Daughter Relationship, thoughts about sacrifice and love, POV Joel, mostly, this one is kind of intense folks, major character death tag is cause well the loop ends one way or another, gonna diverge at the end, but it ends well!!! i promise, also this is pretty firmly game but hbo folks should be okay!

summary: joel finds himself stuck in a time loop of that day in salt lake city.

Joel lies to her. 

He's got dried blood under his fingernails and his shoulder aches from the kick of the rifle and he's so, so tired. 

But he lies to her. 

If he was a smarter man he'd have thought of something better. Told her that the hospital got raided or they had a FEDRA mole, how the whole thing was a sham from the start. He doesn't know if she was awake for any of it. If the last thing she remembers is him reaching for her and failing to save her. If she remembers what it feels like to drown. 

It's hard to look at her in the mirror but he manages. Just keep driving, hands tight on the wheel. Don't white knuckle, don't spook her. She's in the car. She's safe. He did it. 

"We found the Fireflies," he says. She doesn't look at him. "Turns out there's a...a whole lot more like you, Ellie. People that're immune. It's dozens, actually." 

There's a strange pull in his gut, a pull that he's felt a few times before in the moments before everything went south. When the soldier pointed his gun by the river, when Tess looked at him on her last day, when he fell off the ledge in Colorado. But he ignores it. 

"Ain't done a damn bit of good, either. They've actually st--" Ellie closes her eyes, takes a deep breath. She doesn't look at him. "They've stopped looking for a cure. I'm takin' us home. I'm sorry."

She turns her back to him and the pull becomes a burn, becomes a black hole under his ribcage taking everything with him. He blinks once, twice, wonders if he got shot and didn't notice, if he cracked a rib and it punctured his lung, if --

The road in front of him disappears. 

He can't see a damn thing -- not like the lights went out, like there is nothing to see. There is nothing in front of him at all.

Then, Joel wakes up yesterday. 

___ 

He jolts awake with a strangled yell. Ellie kneels over him, the rifle he taught her to hold slung over her shoulder. It's just past dawn based on the color of the sky and how he can make out most of her face, her withdrawing hand and her unimpressed but slightly concerned frown. 

"You were talking again," Ellie says. "Nightmares?" 

Joel tears his eyes from her and thunks his head back down on his crumpled up jacket. The trees stretch high above him and he tries to get it together so he doesn't spook her. 

They’re camped within sight of the highway. Salt Lake City has been looming for days now and Joel doesn't want to take any chances. The ring-road is almost clear, dotted here and there with cars and a fair amount of supplies, enough that Joel suspects people haven't been here for some time. If this is another Colorado State situation, he's going to have to put Ellie in a car and take them back to Jackson before she does something stupid.

She's fine. Well, no, not quite. Things aren't the same and they never will be but he can tell she's doing her best and he won't ask more than that. Their pace has slowed this week and he's having a hard time figuring out if she's sliding back into some sort of post-Colorado haze or if she's nervous about actually arriving in Salt Lake. 

God knows he's nervous as hell.

But every day she'll walk as far as he tells her to and won't complain. He knows she wants to get there. They have to get there and it has to work -- because he doesn't know what they're going to do otherwise. 

She asked him a question. Nightmares. Joel sits up and drags his hand down his face.

"Somethin' like that."

Ellie shrugs and starts to clean up their camp now that he's awake. He still hates letting her take watch, but she needs to feel in control of things, so they split it most nights. She hums a little bit as she works and he has hopes that today might be a good day.

But that dream... It comes back in flashes: the giraffes, the tunnel. Ellie hanging from the side of the bus because she jumped to save him, her small frame sinking slowly, just out of reach. The crack of her ribs underneath his hands. The hospital. The Fireflies.

Joel gets up, rolls his shoulder at a phantom pain and looks down at his hands. Crusted with dirt and nothing more. 

Jesus Christ. He's losing it. 

They set off. 

The blue hospital sign seems to shine in the spring sun all too soon.

"This is where we get off. Let's go, kiddo."

Joel talks even though he knows she's not listening. He talks to take his mind off of the echo that sits at the base of his neck with every step. Has he told her he'll teach her guitar before? He's been thinking it for months. 

Ellie trails behind him, kicking rocks and half-heartedly searching cars when he asks her to. She heads for a faded blue sedan but he stops her. 

"Blue one won't open, don't bother." 

The look she gives him makes him think about what he just said. "How do you know that?"

He blinks. How does he know that? Before he can explain it, Ellie shrugs and keeps walking. 

The disinterest is new and it doesn't sit well with him. She's been through a lot, more than any kid deserves, and they're almost there. He figures it's worse today because of that. 

"I dreamt about flying the other night."

Joel's stomach twists. "Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Go on, tell me about it."

She tells him about her dream, about how it felt to fly and then fall, and he is dizzy with deja vu. 

"I've never been on a plane." Ellie looks at him like he can tell her what it means. Like he has any damn answers at all. "Isn't that weird?"

Joel hums and swallows the lump in his throat. The bus terminal. Ellie, drowning. Firefly after Firefly in his path. His hands flex around a gun that isn't there. 

"Well, you know. Dreams are weird." It tastes like a lie in his mouth but he can't figure out why. 

It gets worse when they find the bus station, when she runs off in search of something that's got her smiling. Her small hand reaches for the giraffe, her eyes bright, but Joel feels like he's watching it through a fog. He knows what she's going to say before she says it. 

"So fucking cool."

Joel has seen a lot of weird shit in his life but whatever is happening here is leagues above the rest. It bumps up against something in his brain, like the answer is just out of reach but he can't fucking get there. Always a step behind when it counts. 

Ellie hands him a picture of his dead daughter and something in him comes dangerously close to snapping. Instead of gratitude or sorrow or anything that would make sense, he's terrified. 

He's fucking terrified because this happened. Which means he knows what comes next. 

But there's no time to worry about it. They pick their way through the tunnel, through the runners and the clickers and the fucking bloaters. The pressure on his neck gets heavier, gets almost unbearable. He's strung tighter than he's been in years, like the walls are closing in on him and there's a timer he can't see. 

When they get to the rapids, he waits for Ellie to get to the other side of the bus until he jumps on it but it dislodges. The dam in his head breaks and he yells, screams at her to run, to leave him, but she jumps on the bus anyway. 

She drowns.

Joel doesn't doubt that the Fireflies are coming -- he hears them --  but he doesn't take his eyes off of her, doesn't stop the chest compressions until he's knocked out.

The rest of it is a blur, his sense of reality already warped by his need to get to the operating room. To save her. 

Joel picks them off one by one, floor by floor, hardly taking note of how familiar it all feels. He doesn't even give the surgeon a chance to speak before he's dead, a bullet between the eyes. He knows they'll make it to the elevator. He kills Marlene. He drives them away.

He lies. 

He wakes up yesterday again.

___

It takes a few days before Joel purposely deviates from what he's thinking of as the script. His head feels like it weighs a thousand pounds when he wakes in the clearing, Ellie's eyes on him.

He thinks about it as they pack up camp. Can he get them out of here? Would that be allowed? The rules of this aren't clear to him but he figures it can't hurt to try. They could turn around right now and make it back to Jackson in a week or so. 

He watches Ellie carefully arrange her things in her bag, watches her stop to admire a butterfly in the branches above. He watches her and tries to see her alive and not pale on an operating table. 

"Ellie," he says. "I got a bad feelin' about this."

She loves to tell him he's overreacting but today she crosses her arms and sits back on her heels. "What do you mean?"

Her scream as she falls into the water. Her ribs cracking beneath his hands. The piercing alarm in the hospital, her body warm but limp in his arms.

"What if we waited?" She frowns but he keeps going. "Went back to Jackson, rested up. Took a break. Come back in a few months with a bit of a crew. Tommy'll give us some guys, hell, I bet he'll come with if you want --"

"No," Ellie says sharply. There's an edge to her voice he hasn't heard in a long time. "Joel, shut up."

"Ellie --"

She stands abruptly, takes a few steps back. "I said no."  The look on her face tells Joel he's already lost. "Are you -- are you fucking kidding me? You want to go back? Now?"

He sighs. "Just to rest up. We don't know what we're walking into --"

Ellie throws her hands around in disbelief. Her eyes look wet. Christ, he's made her cry again. He promised himself he wouldn't do that. 

"We don't know if they'll still be there."

"We don't know if they are there."

"And we won't find out if we fucking run away like cowards!"

Joel stands. "I don't want another Colorado State situation, Ellie --" Her face shutters. Mistake. 

"Don't bring up Colorado," she growls. "You don't know what that was like." 

Damn right he doesn't. He knows by now what happened but he'll never know how hard it was for her to survive when he was busy dying on that mattress. But he has to try something or they'll just end up here again tomorrow. Yesterday. Whatever. 

The idea of her suffering makes his hackles rise, makes his blood run cold

. 

"Can I finish a god damned sentence?" he snaps. Ellie is undeterred and snaps back.

"Not if it's going to be about leaving. We-- I -- we're not fucking leaving. Not after everything. We can't."

Joel sighs and drags a hand down his face. This girl. He's trying to save her and she can't see it. There's no way to make her see it and it's his fault. She should know by now that he'd do anything, anything, for her. He lost that battle a long time ago, probably longer ago than he'd like to admit. 

"I know," he tells her. "Just...if you want to give it all up, to go back, we can. We don't have to go through with this."

Ellie's eyes are blazing and her tone is disappointed. It cuts deep. "Yes we do. I thought you'd understand that, Joel."

He follows her this time as she stalks down the highway towards the hospital. No mention of six strings, no dreams about planes. They catch the giraffes but she doesn't stick around to watch them for as long. It's a different kind of loss to be without her smile, her laughter. Joel wishes he'd never opened his god damned mouth. 

"I'm sorry," he says. "For earlier." Ellie pauses on the stairs and half turns to look up at him. "I know it's important to you."

She sighs. "I know you mean well." Joel closes his eyes. He knows what comes next. "But there's no halfway with this. Once we're done, we'll go wherever you want, okay?"

He plays his part for the rest of the day, just to get it over with. 

___

Next time, Joel waits until they're watching the giraffes to try something different. 

"So," he says. "This everything you were hoping for?"

Ellie gives him her half-smile. "It's got its ups and downs, but...you can't deny that view, though."

He seizes his chance. "Wanna go down there?" 

She perks up. "Really? Do you think they'll let us get close?"

"They might. Let's try." 

They manage to backtrack a little bit and end up on the field. It smells like a zoo but Ellie is thrilled to be so close so they post up on the roof of a rusty FEDRA Jeep. Two of the giraffes end up eating out of the tree right above them. Ellie holds her breath. 

"They just...don't care, do they?" she whispers. "How long do you think they've been here?"

She leans into his side and cranes her neck to watch one of them use its tongue. 

"Don't know," he says. "Big ones could've been from before. But the tiny one s'probably younger than you."

"So cool," she says again. "They're from a zoo, right? I wonder if anything else lives in the city."

They've been sitting here long enough that the sun has started to set. Joel allows himself to hope. 

"Might be. What do you say we spend the night here and look on the way to the hospital tomorrow? Daylight'll do us better."

Ellie chews on his suggestion. "I guess," she says. "Are we safe here?"

"Should be." Joel has no idea, frankly. He sure as hell wants them to wake up here in the morning. He wants to make good on this idea, wants to show her something else that'll make her smile. He wants this to be a bizarre, unexplainable day that he'll forget about with time.

"I'll keep watch."

They set up camp crowded against the fence so Joel can see the whole field. The giraffes leave them alone and Ellie falls asleep quickly after they eat.

In the quiet open air the dread in his gut returns full-force and he knows he's wrong. Again.

A branch cracks and he whirls around, rifle in hand to find three men pointing their guns at him through the wire. They might be wearing Firefly jackets but he can't tell. He doesn't care. Joel dares to look at Ellie for a second and sees she's still asleep. 

It's a mistake.

One of them follows his gaze and his eyes widen.

"Holy shit," he whispers. "She looks like who Marlene said --"

"Shut up," the second one hisses. "On the ground, old man."

"How are you gonna get around that fence, hotshot?" he says. "Ellie. Ellie, wake up."

She blinks a few times and sees his stance. scrambling to her feet with her knife in hand.

"Holy shit. What the fuck?"

"Get behind me."

One of the soldiers points his gun at her. 

"Don't move."

It's chaos after that. The guys shout at each other. 

"Don't point it at her! Don't you remember the fucking briefing?"

"You hadn't even joined when we got here, you don't know. We've been looking for her for months --"

"If you shoot her we're all dead --"

Joel locks eyes with Ellie.

"When I say run, you run. Okay?" 

The fear in her eyes turns to determination. Brave girl, he thinks. I'm sorry. He waits for the idiot pointing at her to look away and takes a deep breath. What's one more day?

"Run!"

Joel doesn't check to see if she obeys before firing through the fence. The rifle is incredibly powerful at such a short range and where there was once a head there's only mist. Joel clears the chamber as fast as he can and gets the second one in the shoulder but he's not fast enough for a third and before he realizes it he's on his back in the grass. 

The Firefly's assault rifle litters Joel's chest with bullets but he doesn't feel it until he tries to take a breath and nothing comes. It's like he's underwater.

At least he didn't make her cry this time.

__

Joel isn't much of a believer in anything but he decides fairly quickly that he's in Hell or something close. God knows he deserves it. 

His sins are countless, his ledger dripping with red just like his hands. They will never be clean. What he can't figure out is how he got here. Did he die somewhere in St. Mary's? Is the real world somewhere else beyond his reach, now? If he died then what happened to Ellie?

He tries to make tallies in the bark of a tree on the edge of camp but they disappear every time he wakes up. He makes do with his own slowly unspooling brain. Two, five, ten.

Ellie is much the same every time but somewhere around day twenty she asks him about it. "How do you know where everything is?"

They're in the bus depot before the tunnel. He's taking them quickly around the tents, putting off Ellie handing him a photo of his dead daughter. It's muscle memory at this point. A pair of pliers here, some rags there. A half-empty but uncracked bottle of hooch behind that blood-stained bed, some bullets under that overturned partition. 

"Just payin' attention."

"I pay attention!"

Joel uses the excuse to grin at her. It's hard sometimes to remember that she has no idea what's coming, that he can and should be good to her every chance he gets. The violence has already started to blur together in his mind. Killing everyone in the hospital is by far the easiest part of this fucking loop. These parts are harder. 

"Didn't say you don't."

"I feel like that was a double negative."

She's still energized from the giraffes and he knows she's working up the courage to talk about Sarah, but right now he wants to spend time with her. He spots the Firefly medal tangled in the shattered floodlight and points it out. 

"Ellie," he says. She's at his side in seconds, looking up at him with eyes brighter than he's seen in weeks. "Wanna get that down?"

She gives him her classic why are you like this look. "Are you going to be weird and pick it up?"

Joel shrugs and leans on the rotting tank nearby. "Just want to check your aim."

"My aim is really fucking good and you know it!" Even so, she picks up a brick from her feet and palms it, eyeing the silver circle before winding her arm back and hurling the brick towards it. 

She misses. Maybe three hundred miles and a trail of dead bodies ago she'd have stormed off, embarrassed and pissed. But she just makes a face at the still-swinging medal and then looks at him. "How did I miss that?"

He pushes off the tank and scoops up a glass bottle. "Sun s'probably in your eyes." Joel stands next to her and eyes the target, trying to compensate in his mind for her height. "Stand here." Ellie moves over in front of him and he hovers his arm over her. "Can I?"

She nods. Joel presses the bottle into her hand and she takes it as he maneuvers her with a hand on her elbow until she's got the trajectory he thinks will work. 

"Now?" she asks. "Feels pretty fucking similar to what I was doing."

"Just trust me. Throw a little lighter than last time. And higher."

Ellie sighs, but once he steps back she does as he says and nails the medal hard enough that it drops to the ground. She whoops and turns around, hands high in the air and a wide smile on her face. Joel tries to breathe through how easily she puts her faith in him. 

"Fuck yeah! Did you see that?" She holds both hands out for a high five and he obliges. 

"Sure did. Nice job, kiddo."

When Ellie hands him the picture of Sarah, he pulls her in for a hug. He half expects her to shove him off but instead she allows it, twisting her hands in his shirt as he cups the back of her head. 

"Thank you," Joel says quietly, thickly. 

Later, when he finds her on the operating table, he presses his lips to her forehead for an extra moment before picking her up and heading for the elevator. 

__

He messes with the order of things a little bit. Tries to make their morning last longer, tries to stay watching the giraffes for an hour or so. 

Sometimes it works. 

Sometimes it doesn't. 

Watching Ellie drown over and over fucks with his head more than the hospital does because he can't stop it. At least while he's leaving behind corpse after corpse he knows that she's asleep upstairs, waiting for him. In the tunnel, he knows that the only way out is through, but she has to fucking drown first. 

He gets sloppy. 

He forgets about the runners in the side rooms when he ducks in to avoid a clicker and takes a step too close. Ellie is behind him as always and he shoves her back blindly as three runners slam him against the metal railing of the stairs before he can reach for his gun. He's too surprised to feel anything, but their breath smells like rotting meat and something worse, something that makes his eyes water. 

Joel searches the room for her and finds her -- pale-faced and terrified, already reaching for her knife. He tries to say her name but it comes out as a scream when one of the runners goes for his shoulder, jagged teeth ripping through his shirt in an instant. 

"Ellie -- run, Ellie -- GO --" He begs her to leave him but his voice stops working as his throat is ripped out. The last thing he sees is her horrified face as she raises her pistol.

And then he wakes up yesterday. 

___

It occurs to him on day 30 -- if he's keeping track accurately -- that he's got one of the smartest people he knows at his disposal. Kid's got an encyclopedic knowledge of space as well as science fiction stories. He asks her while they're still on the highway, stalling though he can see the blue H sign from here.

"Y'ever read stuff about time?" No reply. "Ellie?" She's staring at that deer again. "Ellie."

"What?" 

"You read any stories about time back in school?"

"Uh, sure," she says. She tugs her sleeves over her hands and catches up to him, eyes on the ground. "Why?"

"Saw a weird movie 'bout it once. Somethin' reminded me of it this mornin'. Guy gets stuck in a...shit, what did they call it?" Joel peeks inside an RV and smells rot so he leaves it be. "He lives the same day over and over."

"A time loop!" Ellie sounds more excited about this than anything they've talked about for days. "Those are so fucking cool. Scary, though. I feel like I'd go crazy."

Joel drags a hand down his face. "Yeah," he says. "How do you think you get outta one?"

"Well, how did the guy in the movie do it?"

"He stopped bein' an asshole," he says. Ellie laughs. 

"Well, we know that's not possible for you. Guess you're fucked."

"Guess so," he mutters. 

The H sign is close enough that she'll see it any minute. He wishes for the hundredth time that they could just stay out here all day, just talking. If he had a guitar he'd play for her. If he had a fucking car he'd put her in it and turn around, even though it wouldn't do any good. They'd just end up right back here because he can't fucking figure out how to get out of this. 

"I think you just have to change, right?" Ellie says. She's looking at the photo of an airplane on the bus. This time she doesn't tell him about her dream. Is he losing pieces of her, already? "I guess it doesn't have to be about yourself. Maybe something you do, or something you say. It's the universe telling you to make a different choice, right?"

That's the fucking thing. The choice isn't an option. It's not even a choice. 

The one thing he hasn't tried and will not try is leaving the hospital when Marlene tells him to. He'd rather die a thousand times, rather live this shit show over and over for the rest of eternity than let them cut her brain out. They will not touch her while there is still breath in his body. 

He'd do it all over again. He will.

__

Joel tries a hundred things and they don't work. 

After his conversation with Ellie he decides to really fuck with the day. Doesn't matter, right? So long as she's not put in any extra danger he considers it. He begs her to walk away, get on his knees and pleads with her throughout the day. Doesn't work. She just gets pissed at him like that first time and he doesn't push it because he can't bear to see her cry. He lengthens their morning in the clearing, fakes sick or says the rifle is jammed and needs cleaning. That goes south, too, when a pack of runners wanders through the woods and straight into them. They make it to the highway and have to miss the giraffes because they're running. 

One time Joel spends all day zig-zagging them around the city to avoid the tunnel. The Fireflies find them much the same way except they shoot him on sight and grab Ellie right out of his arms as he bleeds out on the cracked asphalt, her screams echoing in his ears. 

Another time, he ties them together in the tunnel with some fraying rope and they both drown. 

Killing Marlene early gets him a bullet in the head and not killing her at all gets him back where he started, no change. 

Joel even begs the doctor to run more tests first, to try blood, to try anything, but it takes too long and the alarm sounds and he's cornered in the operating room before he can grab Ellie and go. 

Nothing fucking works. 

But what is there left to change?

__

His mind starts to fray. He loses count of the loops and it becomes hard to detach himself from the slaughter. Not even the good moments -- Ellie's laughter, the awe in her face when she sees the giraffes, her jokes and her muted but still sharp sarcasm -- keep him afloat. He's lost, adrift in a sea of blood and bullets and it starts to eat away any humanity that was left in him. 

The blood of hundreds, thousands maybe, is on his hands and he feels nothing.

Once and only once does he get there too late. Everything else goes like it always does but maybe he took too long on the first floor, maybe he took too long picking the guys one by one instead of using the assault rifle, maybe maybe maybe. 

When Joel gets to the pediatric ward he knows something is different -- he can hear a buzzing sound, something loud and unnatural. The stale air is thick with something metallic, tinged with death. The buzzing stops and he finds his feet glued to the floor outside the operating room. Voices on the other side of it, murmuring and the clink of metal on a tray. Joel's hand shakes when he reaches for the knob because he knows whatever he finds on the other side is going to kill him. 

But he opens it because he has to. The doctor is at the sink this time, the nurses nowhere to be found. Ellie's body is covered in a sheet, blood seeping through the fabric. Joel looks away. He just stands there, his heartbeat loud in his ears as the world ends. 

The first time his daughter died, Joel thought he could will it not to be so. He held her as long as he could, whispered her name with her blood drying on his hands until Tommy begged him to get moving. 

This time, he knows it's true and he knows there's only one ending. 

He raises his gun at the doctor who is now leaning on the edge of the sink. The door swings open and the nurses return, eyes wide and vibrating with the energy of a job well done. He swings over to them and kills them both with quick headshots. The doctor has barely turned around when he's dead, too.

Joel breathes, ears ringing. He manages one step closer to the operating table but his knees buckle and he goes down hard on the cool tile. His vision is blurry. Is he crying?

"I'm sorry," he says. "I'm so fucking sorry, baby." He angles himself so he won't get any blood on her and then presses the barrel of his gun to his temple and pulls the trigger. 

__

If Joel was on the edge of losing his mind before, now he's laser focused. He doesn't pull any more shit. He settles back into the loop, savoring Ellie's laughter with the giraffe and gunning down every sorry motherfucker in his way at the hospital. He will not get there late ever again. 

So when Marlene says something different the next time around and he almost misses it.

Ellie is dead weight in his arms but she's warm and he can see the rise and fall of her chest. The hospital was messier than usual because he rushed this time, cutting down the Fireflies like it was his last stand. There's blood in his hair and crusted under his fingernails and his shirt is beyond ruined. 

"Are you going to tell her what happened here?" Marlene presses her hand into her side, blood leaking from around her crimson palm. "Are you going to tell her what you did?"

He lies to her.

Every time.

It's never occurred to him to try something else. Even though he's changed almost everything about this damn day except that. 

Because Joel knows what happens if he tells the truth. He knows what that will cost him.

And he doesn't know if he'll survive it.

He's afraid. Joel doesn't want to lose her and if that makes him selfish then so be it. He wants to take her back to Jackson and give her a bedroom of her own and as many stupid comics as she wants and three meals a day for the rest of her long, peaceful life. He wants her to grow up and grow old. 

He'd kill a thousand more Fireflies to make it happen.

He'd damn the whole world. 

Because he loves her and it fucking hurts. 

This girl and her puns and her comics and her god damned bravery and her bleeding heart. He doesn't want to lose her. 

But is this, whatever this endless hell is, is it fair to her? 

If it's breakable, if he has the ability to get them to tomorrow, to get them to Jackson, to get them home, shouldn't he? If he loves her shouldn't he give her a life even if he's not in it?

Joel gently arranges Ellie in the backseat and shoots Marlene in the head. 

__

For a few seconds Ellie thinks she's in the car on the way into Pittsburgh. The hum of the old engine, the rocking motion of the truck. But -- wait. She's lying down. The car smells...musty. And she's cold like she's wearing a dress and --

"What the hell am I wearing?"

She flutters her eyes open. Different truck. Backseat. Is she in a...hospital gown? What the fuck? Where is she?

"Just take it easy," Joel says. Okay, so she's with Joel. Something in her chest settles. She must be safe. "Drugs are still wearin' off."

Drugs? Ellie pushes back into her memory and tries to find something, anything that'll give her a clue as to what's going on here. They were in the bus tunnel. The water was rushing, Joel jumped on the bus and it started moving and she...fell into the water? 

It's a blur after that. More of a blank, really. Did they get to the hospital? Did they find the Fireflies? Based on her weird fucking outfit it sure seems like it.

"What happened?"

Joel's eyes flick up in the rearview mirror to look at her. "Let's get you into some clothes, first. Then we'll take a break and I'll tell you everythin'."

He sounds tired. More tired than he's ever sounded, frankly, but she can't imagine why. And he can't seem to stop looking at her like she's going to disappear. Like he hasn't seen her in ages. 

"Okay," she says slowly. "Where the hell are we going to get those?" 

"Your bag is on the floor by your feet." Joel veers off the highway down an exit ramp and Ellie sits up. Her head feels light for a second and then really heavy so she braces her hands on the seat in front of her and takes a few deep breaths. "You okay, kiddo?"

"Yeah. Fucking...drugs, I guess. What'd they do that for?"

"They ran some tests. We'll talk about it."

Normally she'd push him but something feels off. Ellie tries to get a good look at his face but she can't, not from this angle, and not with her head fucking pounding like it is. She's missing so much time. It makes her skin crawl, makes her heart race. Joel is here, she tells herself. He wouldn't let anything bad happen to her. 

He parks them at the edge of a cemetery and gets out of the car to stand guard while she changes out of the gown. Her last pair of jeans, apparently, and a grey t-shirt with a few holes in the collar. She wishes she had a sweatshirt or something to wrap around herself, to pull over her hands and feel covered. But beggars can't be choosers. At least someone put her shoes in her backpack. 

Joel doesn't turn around when she opens the door but she sees him stiffen. 

"I'm done." He looks back at her and she finally sees his face. "Jesus Christ, Joel, what happened to you?"

It's not just the blood. Sure, he's got dried streaks of it on his neck and in his hair. Ellie glances at his hands and sees it crusted under his fingernails, too. But he looks wrecked. Older, somehow. He looks like something terrible happened, the way she remembers his face when he fell from the balcony in Colorado, when he found her in the burning restaurant. But somehow it's worse. 

He's looking at her like he can't believe she's real. 

"Alright." Joel lowers the rifle and ignores her question, clearly. "Didn't see anythin'. Should be fine to sit here for a bit."

"Are you going to tell me what the fuck happened?"

He moves like he's going to drag a hand down his face but thinks better of it. "Yeah," he says. "I am." 

Ellie swings her legs so they're hanging out the door. Joel leans the rifle against the truck and crosses his arms. "You're making me kind of nervous, man."

"Just...promise me you'll hear me out to the end."

Yeah, something is going on. She doesn't like it. 

"Uh, sure."

"What do you remember?" 

Good fucking question. "The tunnel. The bus and -- water. I fell in, right?"

Joel nods, clears his throat. "Jumpin' on the bus was dumb. Don't do that again." 

She snorts. "Yeah, okay. Point taken. But I was afraid you were going to drown!"

"You did." He delivers the news in a flat tone she doesn't like. She drowned?

"Are you serious?"

"I got us out of the water and tried to get you breathin' again." Ellie realizes her chest is sore. She imagines Joel doing compressions like they showered her in school, imagines his panicked face, his hoarse voice calling her name. Fuck.

"Did it work?"

"No," he says. "Fireflies found us first and knocked me out." 

"That doesn't make sense." She frowns. "They knocked you out?"

Joel shrugs. "Just tellin' you what happened."

This isn't how she imagined it would go. She never told Joel, but for weeks she's been thinking about waltzing up to the hospital and telling them who she is. She pictured Joel telling her jokes while she got her blood drawn, pictured him staring down nurses and doctors while they made the cure. She figured it would take a few days, maybe a week, and then they'd be on their way back to Jackson. She had hoped Marlene might be there, too. She has so many questions about her mom. 

"What did they do with me?"

Joel looks troubled. "I...don't exactly know. It was a while before I saw you again."

It makes her skin crawl. He must be able to tell because he keeps talking. "I'm sure they just ran some tests while you were out. They brought you back, made sure you were breathin' okay."

"Tests?"

"I'm gettin' there." She feels like he's having a hard time looking at her. Something close to but not quiet dread sits heavy in her stomach. What happened?

"Joel..."

"I woke up inside the hospital. Marlene was there. Told me they didn't know it was us, that they'd been waiting." He pauses, drags a hand down his face. "You didn't wake up or nothin'? You sure?"

Ellie shakes her head. She doesn't remember anything after the tunnel. 

"Well, she told me they could do it. They had a doctor who could make the cure."

The air rushes out of Ellie all at once. "Are you fucking serious?"

"And then she said..." Joel chews on his words and looks away from her. He looks angry. 

"What did she say?"

"Makin' a vaccine...would've killed you."

The bottom drops out of Ellie's world. It's like a hundred doors in her brain open at once. 

It would have killed her? Are they sure? Did they do enough tests? Were they going to? Why didn't they wake her up? Were they going to ask her? How did they get out?

She swallows them all and manages just one in a broken whisper. "What did you do?"

Joel looks right at her. "I stopped them."

If Ellie wasn’t already sitting down she thinks her legs would give out. She knows that Joel meant what he said to her in Silver Lake. Knows that he'd do anything for her.

But this?

"What do you mean?" He shakes his head. "Joel. What do you mean, you stopped them?"

His shoulders slump. "They told me to leave and I refused. And I made sure no one can follow us to try again."

Static builds in her ears. She can read between the lines. She speaks Joel now. He killed them all, that much is clear to her. He killed them all, Marlene, too, probably, because she was supposed to die to save the world. Hot tears sting her nose and gather at the corner of her eyes. 

"But I -- but we -- I was supposed to...I'm the cure!"

"You're a person. You're a kid. Don't matter what's in your brain, you ain't dyin' for --"

Ellie pushes out of the truck and to her feet. Joel steps back to give her room but she knows he probably wants to touch her, to reassure her. The anger fills her, makes her face hot and her heart race. 

"Who said you get to make that choice? If they said I had to die maybe I should have? Then it would mean something --"

"Your immunity ain't the thing that matters most. You are. So I picked you," Joel yells.

She's really crying now, huge heaving sobs that make it hard to talk, make it hard to convey how angry she is. "Well, you picked wrong, asshole."

"I ain't gonna apologize for it. I'd do it all over again, the exact same way. Every time." Joel's expression is as serious as it gets. He used to look this way all the time. No nonsense, no room for argument. 

She tries to find the words anyway but they don't come.

"Now, you've got some options here," he says. "I think the best one is for us to go back to Jackson. I know Tommy'll take you in, and --

She laughs, or tries to. 

It sounds like something bitter and awful to her own ears. First he tells her she was supposed to die today and now he wants to leave her?

"Are you fucking serious, Joel? You want to leave me again?" 

Joel's brows pinch together. He looks pained. Good. It feels like her chest is caving in, like her lungs aren't working right anymore. This must be what it felt like to drown in the bus terminal, to sink slowly, to fade away entirely. She read once that drowning was supposed to be peaceful. This hurts. 

"I want you to be safe," he says. "Jackson is the best place for that. I don't have to be there if you don't want me there --"

"I didn't fucking say that!" she yells. "I -- Jesus, give me a fucking second, okay?"

He stands by the door as she paces back and forth, tugging her hands through her hair. 

She was supposed to die. But she didn't. There's no cure. And it sure fucking sounds like Joel didn't leave any option to try again. 

He traded saving the world for her. 

It's too much.

"What do you want, Ellie?" Joel sounds like he's been awake for days. Like he's in pain, like he's being hollowed out. He sounds like how she feels. 

She digs the heels of her hands into her eyes. 

"I want none of this to have happened! I want us to go back to this morning and I want us to not have gone into the bus tunnel and I want you to have asked for tests first, I want them to try something else. I want Marlene to tell me why they didn't wake me up. I want to do it again but differently, I want things to be different, I --"

Her words break off into a sob. "Ellie..." She opens her eyes and finds him reaching for her. His shirt is stained with dried blood but she steps into his hold and his arm wraps around her. 

"I don't know what to do, now," she whispers.

Joel exhales a shaky breath. "I know you wish things were different. I wish things were different. But they ain't."

They stand there, his hand dragging up and down her back. She listens to his heartbeat and remembers those nights in the basement when she thought it would stop any minute. 

"Fuck," she whispers, then pulls away. He lets her go. "Fuck, Joel."

He sighs. "Yeah, kiddo. Fuck."

He told her the truth and that means something. It hurts, it hurts so bad, and it doesn't absolve him of anything, but that matters. 

"I'm so angry with you," she says. "I don't know how to forgive you for...for...saving me." 

It sounds stupid as she says it but Joel nods solemnly. 

"That's alright." 

"But I..." She wants to get this part right. "Let's go back. To Jackson. We'll figure it out there. But you...you have to swear to tell me the truth. Just like this. We have to be honest with each other."

Joel meets her gaze without blinking. "I swear."

Ellie takes a deep breath. The anger, the horror, the disbelief at what he's done settle a little bit. She has no clue what comes next, but this is a start. 

"Okay."

__

Joel wakes up. 

His back hurts and his shoulder aches. It's dark, darker than it should be, darker than it's been for hundreds of days.

Ellie is asleep in the backseat of the truck. 

It's tomorrow. 

thank you for reading. let me know what you thought!

[hbyrde36]

Times Like These

(The Anniversary Edition)

Link to anniversary post

Now with amazing FANART 😱

When Eddie finds himself back in his living room, staring down a very alive Chrissy Cunningham, after just having bled to death himself in the middle of a nightmare world, he was rightfully very, very fucking confused.

-Or-

What happens when the new guy, who only just got inducted into the fucked up world of monsters and mayhem, gets stuck in a time loop and finds himself responsible for saving everyone?

Chapter 1: The Hell Loop

WC: 2,902 | AO3 link

Eddie could hardly breathe past the blood that was flooding into his mouth, threatening to choke him before he even had the opportunity to bleed out. He tried to keep it together for Dustin’s sake. The last thing he wanted was for the kid to get hurt or have to see something like this, hence the cutting of the rope, but traumatized was a hell of a lot better than dead, so he couldn’t regret either of the choices he’d made.

“I love you, man.” 

Eddie forced the words out, coughing and sputtering

“I love you too.” Dustin replied.

Eddie couldn’t see anymore, but the tears in the younger boy's voice were hard to miss. 

It was the last thing he heard before he died.

Dying didn’t hurt, quite the opposite actually. Eddie could pinpoint the exact moment he passed on, because it was the same moment the pain stopped. He found himself floating away into an unfamiliar blackness and couldn’t even bring himself to be scared. He was too relieved at being free of the agony and guilt.

Before he could do much more than wonder where he was floating off to, a loud almost overwhelming rushing sound hit his ears. Instinctually, he tried to cover them to drown out the noise, only to realize he didn’t exactly have a body right now. No ears to cover, no hands to do it with.

With that frightening thought his eyes shot open, -oh thank fuck he had eyes again- and his feet hit solid ground. Inexplicably, he was back in the trailer. He looked up to find that the ceiling was intact, and Chrissy Cunningham– whole, and alive, was standing just a few feet in front of him, looking nervous and jittery. 

“Are you sure you have it?”

What the actual fuck?

“Holy shit, Chrissy! You’re alive?!” Eddie gasped.

Her face twisted up in confusion, a feeling Eddie was also becoming intimately familiar with. What was this? Some life-flashing-before-your-eyes-on-the-way-to-the-grave bullshit? But he was already dead, he was sure of it, so that could only mean…

“Oh shit, I’m so sorry,” he blurted out. 

Why he was apologizing to some visage of the past that probably wasn't even real, he did not know, but it felt appropriate. 

She’d been through a lot. 

“You’re probably not alive, actually, if you’re here. Since I'm, y’know– dead, and all.” He continued, letting out a frankly deranged sounding laugh as he began to pace around the room.

“But why are you here?” He mused, thinking out loud.

It could actually be her, he reasoned. She was dead too, right? But that would mean they wound up in the same place and that was absolutely ridiculous. 

A sweet little thing like her? 

Guaranteed one way ticket to the good place. 

And Eddie? 

Well, he never had any doubts about where he was going to end up.

The realization hit him like a Mack truck, stopping him in his tracks. 

“Oh my god, I’m in Hell. This is Hell. I ran away. I ran– I didn’t even try to help you and then I fucking died!” Eddie let out a painful sob as he dropped to his knees on the floor, hands covering his face. Now that he was back here, having to face her again after what he’d done, It was all hitting him at once. 

His voice shook as he continued rambling. “Right in front of Dustin too… and- and now this is my Hell. I’ll probably have to watch you die, over-and-over-and-over again.”

He felt the air shift, heard the light footsteps as Chrissy took a few hesitant steps towards him. 

“Watch me die?” She said, voice cracking, sounding so, so small and scared. “Eddie, please… you’re kind of freaking me out.”

Shit, he really couldn’t stop fucking this up could he? 

Even if Hell-Chrissy wasn’t real, he still felt horrible for scaring her. None of this was her fault. He rubbed at his face hard and took a deep calming breath before looking up at her again. 

She wasn’t looking at him anymore though. She was rigid, staring straight ahead at something he couldn’t see, only the whites of her eyes visible as they rolled to the back of her head. 

He jumped to his feet, every instinct in his body screaming at him to run, again, but fuck that. He was already dead, probably, and none of this was real– he was almost sure none of this was real, but maybe he could still try to help her. 

Music had snapped Red out of it, maybe it would work for Chrissy too. 

Eddie raced to his bedroom, snatching his Walkman off the bed before sprinting back to the living room. He knew it was pretty fucking unlikely that the head cheerleader of Hawkins High was a secret Metallica fan, but it was the best he could do under the circumstances.

He gently placed the headphones over her ears and pressed play, the volume loud enough that he could just make out the sound of the opening riff to Master of Puppets.

-

It didn’t work. 

He hadn’t really thought it would.

He forced himself to watch as her body began to float.

Listened to the sickening snap as each of her arms and legs were twisted, and broken.

Stood frozen, a silent witness, unmoving until her body dropped to the floor like a ragdoll.

He didn't even scream.

He’d tried, and he hadn’t let her die alone. It was all he could do.

Hell or not, Eddie wasn’t keen on hanging out with a dead body if he could help it. So finally, he let himself go, grabbing his keys off the counter, and rushed out to the van.

–

Eddie drove slowly, aimlessly around town, at a bit of a loss for what to do next. It was a far cry from the way he’d peeled out of the trailer park and sped down the road on the night of Chrissy’s actual death, heart racing like a trapped rat desperately seeking shelter from a predator he couldn't even see. This time around he just felt numb.

Not knowing what else to do, he decided to follow his previous course of action. If he was right in assuming that he was being made to relive his greatest hits from the last 7 days, at least this way he knew he’d get to see Dustin’s face again. He drove towards Lover’s Lake, already dreading spending another night at Rick’s.

–

The morning after a sleepless night found him back in a boat, hiding under a tarp, and clutching tightly to the neck of a broken beer bottle. The numbness had faded hours ago, leaving the door open for anxiety and terror to return in full force. In short, Eddie was freaking out. 

He wasn’t sure how much time had passed since he’d left Chrissy's body to grow cold on the living room floor, but the second he heard the voices outside the boathouse he went into panic mode, just as he had the first time, unsure of what or who might be coming for him. 

Would it be more visions from the past? Or had the devil finally sent his minions to collect.

A few confusing moments, and a jab to the ribs with a fucking wooden oar later, Eddie was, for the second time in his life, throwing Steve Harrington violently against a wall and shoving a jagged edge of glass close enough to his throat that one deep breath would draw blood.

He stared into the other boy's eyes from inches away, and he wanted to drop the bottle. He remembered every single thing Steve and the others had done for him as he faced down the worst week of his life, but this could very well be Hell. 

And that might not be the Steve he’d come to trust.

The one he’d come to know wasn’t the same stuck up asshole he remembered from high school, who had proven time and time again that he was a good guy.

And he couldn’t afford to be wrong.

“Eddie! Stop!” The thing that looked like Dustin shouted. “Eddie, it’s me, it's Dustin. This is Steve, he’s not gonna hurt you. Right, Steve?”

Eddie, wanting to believe it so badly, actually did lower the bottle a little, only to accidentally drop it to the ground, his only weapon shattering at his feet. 

He fisted a hand into the front of Steve’s shirt. 

“What are you doing here man, what do you want from me?” 

Steve dropped the oar, all the breath whooshing out of him at once. “Dustin and Max wanted to find you. I’m just here to keep the little shits safe, I swear.”

Eddie caught movement out of the corner of his eye as Robin and Max began to approach from the side cautiously. Right, they had been there too, he'd almost forgotten. 

“We just want to know what happened, Eddie. We wanna help,” Max said.

It was the earnestness in her voice that got him, that made him finally break and move away from Steve, allowing Robin to rush to his side. 

“You won’t believe me,” Eddie said, barely recognizing the sound of his own voice with the way it trembled. 

He was sure they wouldn't believe it. If it even mattered, if they were even really here, if any of this was even real. 

He was still pretty convinced this was all just some form of divine punishment, and only happening in his own head, after all. 

It wasn’t about what happened to Chrissy. He knew they would believe that, they had once already, but whatever else was going on here? This deja vu flashback thing or whatever it was? They had no reason to trust he was telling the truth about the fact that he was dead– or had died temporarily? Or that this had all happened to him before. 

It was, admittedly, unbelievable. 

So, he made a choice. He didn't tell them that part. He told the same story he had the first time around and they in turn told him a very short history of the Upside Down. It didn’t hit so hard this time, since he’d already heard it all once before, but it was still wild to think about everything this group had been through. He couldn’t believe it’d all been happening right under his nose.

Despite himself, he watched Steve through most of the explanations. Eddie had been so focused on his own experience at the time that he hadn’t paid much attention to him after the attempted throat slashing. He looked dejected, sad, already resigned to the fact that the monsters he’d been protecting these kids from for years now were back, again. Eddie sympathized.

-

The week flew by in a blur of blood, sweat, and tears, events unfolding in the exact same way that he remembered, and he never said a word about it to anyone. 

He kept expecting it all to end somehow. 

On the rare occasion that he fell asleep,  he thought for sure he would wake up from this nightmare either back in his bed after having the longest most fucked up dream of his life, or somewhere– else, preferably on a fluffy cloud after having served his penance for petty crimes.

Unless god actually did hate the gays… then he was fucked. 

It wasn’t until he and Dustin were alone, after fortifying the trailer and getting his guitar set up that he decided– maybe he’d been an idiot to just keep going along with the script like this. It’d been days without so much as a hint of fire and brimstone, so either he'd been sold a bill of goods his whole life about what Hell would be like, or, this was really happening. 

Again. 

At this point, neither possibility was a particularly good one. If he’d been somehow sent back in time and given a second chance, he had absolutely screwed it up. 

Fuck it, he might as well tell Dustin now at least. See what happened.

“Alright, uh, listen, I have to tell you something– and I’m not sure you’re going to believe me but I swear I’m telling you the truth.”

Dustin laughed, bright and incredulous as he checked the plugs on the amp one last time. “After everything we’ve been through the past few days, and the shit I’ve seen over the last three years, do you really think there’s anything I wouldn’t believe?”

Ok, kid had a point. 

Eddie took a deep breath and squared his shoulders.

Here goes nothing. 

“I’ve been through this before, all of it, with you guys. For a while I thought I was in Hell, y’know? Doomed to relive Chrissy’s death over and over again, and between you and me I’m still not totally sure that isn’t the case, but then you guys found me in that damn boathouse just like before, and everything else has happened exactly like I remember, and I-” 

His speech was cut short by Dustin screeching, “Are you serious right now?! You have to be fucking kidding me! I can’t believe you… you’re in a time loop and you didn’t say anything?!”

Eddie’s mouth dropped open, eyebrows raised up nearly to the bandana he had tied around his head. “Wait, you believe me?! Just like that?!”

Dustin put his hands on his hips, in a gesture that was eerily reminiscent of a certain babysitter that Eddie definitely hadn't developed the habit of staring at at every given opportunity. 

Not the time!

“I wouldn’t say, just like that.” Dustin said, snapping his fingers. “If it was anyone outside of the party I would think they were crazy, but this is you we’re talking about. And like I said, after everything? This is not that hard to swallow. I mean, why would you make something like that–”

Dustin stopped abruptly, his entire demeanor changing on a dime as if he’d just discovered something awful. Belatedly, Eddie realized his mistake.

“Eddie, why would you think you were in Hell? Did you… “ The kid trailed off, and when he spoke next his voice was thick with unshed tears. “Do we lose? Did you…die?”

Eddie sighed heavily and ran a hand through his hair. “Shit, I didn’t think– I guess there’s no way to tell you I might be repeating time without admitting it. Yeah, I… died. As far as Vecna, I have no idea. I was gone before Steve, Robin, and Nancy got back.”

Before he could respond, the Walkie in Dustin’s hand came to life, with Robin’s voice crackling through the small speaker. “She’s in, move on to phase 3. Over.”

“Guess that’s it. Time’s up.” Eddie muttered.

Dustin bit his lip as he looked at Eddie, eyes questioning and full of fear.

Eddie shook his head, silently answering the unasked question. He didn’t want Dustin to tell them, or try and stop this. It was too late. He refused to risk the kid, or somehow make things worse by changing the plan this late in the game. 

Dustin squeezed his eyes closed and pressed the button on the handset to reply, “Copy that, initiating phase three. Over.”

Eddie gave the kid his best reassuring smile as he pulled the guitar strap up over his head and with shaking hands began to play, knowing there was no time to waste. 

-

Bleeding out wasn’t any more fun the second time around. 

Eddie had given it his all, fighting tooth and nail against those flying leeches, but there was no use. There were hundreds of them, and only one of him. Just as he had the first time he took off on that bike to lead the bats away, he’d known the fate he was resigning himself to. The difference this time was, he actually had a sliver of hope. 

If the impossible happened once, maybe it could happen again. 

“Sorry, kid.” Eddie said, choking back blood as he watched Dustin limp towards him. “Didn’t notice the leg last time–“ He paused, panting, trying to catch his breath. Talking had already become difficult. “Shouldn’t have cut the rope, s’not like it stopped you.” 

He forced a smile, trying so hard not to let it show on his face just how much pain he was in. Not that there was much point, the kid had eyes. He could surely see the red ruin Eddie’s body had become.

Dustin sobbed openly and it broke Eddie’s heart. 

“God damnit, Eddie!” He shouted, shaking his head and pounding the ground with his fist. “Promise me if you get another shot at this that you’ll tell me. Tell me as soon as you possibly can about the time loop. Please! We have to come up with another plan.”

Eddie wanted nothing more than to be able to scoop the boy into his arms and comfort him, might have tried anyway but he couldn't move. “What if you don’t believe me?” He choked out.

“I'm adopted,” Dustin blurted out through his sniffles. “My mom only told me last year. No one else knows, not even Steve, but… I trust you, Eddie. I’d believe you without it, but if you need to, tell me that and I’ll believe you.”

Eddie nodded, or tried to, and felt Dustin’s hand slip into his. 

“I love you, man”

“I love you too”

Chapter 2

Thanks to @penny00dreadful for being the best beta, friend and cheerleader.

Shoutout also to @theheadlessphilosopher @withacapitalp and @hitlikehammers for the help and encouragement to do this.

Tagging a few friends that expressed interest or I think might be interested? I am ALWAYS happy to tag or remove - just let me know!

Taglist: @hitlikehammers @pearynice @cranberrymoons @thoroughlycollected @blubblesandink @finntheehumaneater @brbsoulnomming @estrellami-1 @hellion-child @mentallyundone @manda-panda-monium @spicysix @kikidoesfanfic @dreamwatch

[weirdsht]

Lost - lotcf & reader

notes: hi ahahahaha I've been gone for what? 1 or 2 years? So many things happened lol. I'm gonna do my thesis next year, I think I'm about to become an orphan? My extended family is out to get my life, I think it's the same for my bio dad, overall life has been a rollercoaster. Like every time I try to get back to my hobbies something happens, but I won't let that stop me from fangirling lol

Anyways! that's not what y'all are here for, you're here for the fic!

tags: novel spoilers (late part of book 1), set in endable, transmigrator!reader, naru calls ws "eldest uncle" because that's what the wiki says (but i'm not sure because i forgot huhu), reader is a shrimp stuck between two whales

English isn’t my first language so there will be grammatical errors

Pls don't repost my work anywhere without my permission

Constructive criticisms are more than welcome

Requests are open and welcome

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@eggb67 said: So imagine this, reader is from a complete waste land of a dimension and she crash lands into TOCF with no clue of where she is. She runs into WS and the first thing she does is attack him because he looks similar to the person who had been really close when it came to killing her.

The world you came from was one in chaos. Everyone has to fight to survive as if only barbarians lived there. It hadn’t always been like that. One thing leads to another; before you know it, the world is deserted, and only the strongest or the wittiest survive.

Survive, that was exactly what you were trying to do before you lost. Of course, the day you try to get food you encounter some bloodthirsty madman and die…

Well, at least you thought you did. 

You were sure the knife was going to stab your heart. To be honest, you accepted it, living in that world was tiring. You figured that since you have nothing left, no family, friends, or material things, then it should be fine if you disappear.

That’s why you were shocked when you opened your eyes and saw that you were in a different place. The place may be different but you can see the same madman that tried to kill you. 

And it would only be just to try and strike back right?

However, as you were about to swing your arms, that’s still injured, two men who look like knights blocked your movements. This made you fall over and sit on the ground.

“Explain yourself! Who are you and how did you appear here out of the blue?”

Now just what kind of roleplay is this? You were certain that you were in some dingy alley before. But now you look like you’re in a castle, or at least some luxurious lodging.

“Explain myself? I’m the most confused here. Who the hell are you people and where am I? Also, that bastard over there looks like the dude that killed me earlier.”

Now that you look at it properly the man that supposedly tried to kill you was the same but at the same time different. This man also had red hair and was wearing a white mask, but their clothes looked vastly different. Their aura was also different. This one feels more shrewd and has the vibe of a ruler.

Speaking of the mysterious man, he only looked at you as if he found a new toy to play with. That look only lasted for less than a second before it was replaced by a look of concern.

“There seems to be a misunderstanding, but first… Naru are you okay?”

Only then did you notice the white-haired kid near you. He looked shocked but seemed to be fine otherwise. Usually, you were soft when it came to kids.

But your instincts were telling you that this one isn’t a kid.

You have no way of proving it, but years- no decades of trying to survive in your forsaken world has honed your instincts. And your instincts were telling you three things:

The white-haired kid is not a kid

The redhaired man is dangerous

The kid is dangerous too but you’ll have a better chance of survival with him.

“Don’t worry Eldest Uncle no harm was done.”

“That’s good… Well usually we would send attackers like you to prison but as I said there seems to be a misunderstanding. You also don’t seem to be from here and look lost.”

Everyone around you started whispering about how merciful this White Star guy is. From the not-so-hush whispers, you gathered that these two are big shots in this place with the redhead being their ruler. 

That also confirms that you’re now in a world you have no idea of.

Your world doesn’t have a ruler. Well, it had one before but that was decades ago. The sight of people being orderly and following a single person seems so foreign to you now.

“Eldest Uncle if I may, can I take this person with me back home? I wish to treat their injuries and find out how they got here.”

It was only then you remembered that you were injured. Of course, all of them were from the madman from the other world. Just remembering about that encounter made you pissed. 

You kept your emotions in check and listened in on the conversation about you. They were acting as though you didn’t even exist, but it was fine. All you have to do right now is stay quiet and not offend anyone. You have to survive this room first then find out where the hell are you after.

“Are you sure Naru? They may be dangerous and bring you harm…”

“I will be fine uncle. I really want to treat them, seeing someone appear out of nowhere weak and battered reminded me of my own health. Thus why I wish to help them.”

The not-really-brat seemed to be a good actor.

You were far from weak. You may be injured, but not weak. If you want to you can still cause havoc in this place. That Naru guy seemed to know it too. His gaze only landed on you for a second but you can tell he has a good grasp of your strength.

That’s fine as it looks like he's trying to get you away from the more dangerous man so you played along.

As if touched by the kid’s words you tried to get up but only to fall back again. You added in some coughs for a good measure. 

Naru and White Star went back and forth a bit more with White Star saying he was worried and Naru adamantly proclaiming they just wanted to help a weak person like him. Luckily in the end White Star resigned and allowed Naru to do whatever he wanted on the condition that if you did anything rash Naru was to tell him immediately.

Soon enough you were being escorted out of the hall you were in to go to Naru’s residence with the help of some servants. The whole time you could feel White Star’s gaze on you and it felt just like how a mad scientist would look at their new test subject victim.

Let’s just hope you don’t have to meet him anytime soon.

[misstrashchan]

"This must be really hard on her too"

That line... has been forever stuck on a loop in my head ever since I first heard it. That it's the last thing they say, that they take away about Ruby as a person in that scene. Especially while watching V9, and just how much everything has been weighing down on Ruby, and her tendency to repress her negative emotions and refuse to take time to let herself feel them and reflect is now being unpacked and examined much closer as the Ever After functions in such a way that she will literally get nowhere unless she looks inside herself, this scene has again been swimming to the surface of my mind, and it's just something I feel like revisiting.

(also it's rg white day today so, I'm legally allowed to be insufferable about Them, though this is in part relevant to V9 in regards to Ruby)

Most other people who have met and know Ruby just kind of accept that she is who she is, or very quickly come to. She's The Hero. The Leader. The Spark Of Hope Everyone is Inspired By. We rarely see her talk about her personal feelings and motivations, and it's never really called into question besides being touched upon briefly in her first meeting with Ozpin and Blake in the first volume about why she wants to be a huntress:

Ozpin: And what is an adorable girl such as yourself doing at a school designed to train warriors?

Ruby: Well... I want to be a Huntress.

Ozpin: You want to slay monsters?

Ruby: Yeah! I only have two more years of training left at Signal! And then I'm going to apply to Beacon! You see, my sister's starting there this year, and she's trying to become a Huntress, and I'm trying to become a Huntress 'cause I wanna help people. My parents always taught us to help others, so I thought, Hey, I might as well make a career out of it!

(1x01)

Ruby: I love books. Yang used to read to me every night before bed. Stories of heroes and monsters... They're one of the reasons I want to be a Huntress!

Blake: And why is that? Hoping you'll live happily ever after?

Ruby: Well, I'm hoping we all will. As a girl, I wanted to be just like those heroes in the books... Someone who fought for what was right, and protected people who couldn't protect themselves!

Blake: That's... very ambitious for a child. Unfortunately, the real world isn't the same as a fairy tale.

Ruby: Well, that's why we're here! To make it better.

(1x03)

...With further insight from Yang at times:

Yang: I'm not like Ruby, she's always wanted to be a Huntress. It's like she said, ever since she was a kid, she'd dreamt about being the heroes in the books. Helping people and saving the day, and never asking for anything else in return.

(2x10)

But rarely do we see Ruby open up about herself as an individual and her struggles, and even rarer still is the occasion someone prompts her too.

And so it's always stuck out to me that in 5x05 she gets asked the questions that... no one else has really asked her before.

"How do you handle all of this?"

"How can you be so confident?"

"How are you okay with any of this?"

In the Dojo scene (5x05) when we see Oscar pick up on Ruby trying to hide how sad she is (after being reminded of Penny's death) while trying to encourage Oscar, we see her recompose herself, interrupt Oscar when he starts to ask a question after noticing her sullen expression, and then she tries to leave, excusing herself awkwardly.

"Well, see you upstairs"

(very subtle Ruby) but before she can do so, Oscar finds he has to ask:

"How do you handle all of this?"

A question she initially doesn't... actually answer. She very deliberately avoids talking about herself, her own feelings, and how she's been handling all this. Instead she focuses on reassuring Oscar at first, saying what she thinks will make him feel better after hearing him elaborate, confiding in her about how afraid and overwhelmed he is by his current situation.

"I'm... scared. I'm more scared than I've ever been in my life, than I ever thought was possible. I always knew that I wanted to be more than a farmhand, but this?"

"...Who would ask for this?"

Oscar didn't really have a choice in being pulled into the war with Salem and becoming a huntsman, he was reluctantly pulled into it by Ozpin. WBY and JNR decide to join the fight because they're inspired by Ruby and following her as a leader.

...So why does Ruby willingly ask and choose to be a huntress? Why did she freely leave home? Why would she choose to risk her life in this fight against Salem and to take on the responsibility of saving the world? (It certainly doesn't feel like a coincidence that these questions are being revisited in one way or another in V9)

Ruby gives him a very generalised answer in response to his question at first that talks about everyone as a group, and leaves out talking about herself as an individual specifically:

"We all went to Beacon because we wanted to help people"

"None of us chose this either"

"We just have to press on"

And you can see Oscar's expression growing more frustrated as he's facing away from Ruby, because that's not an answer to the question he actually asked. Because he asked about how Ruby as an individual is handling all of this. Ruby genuinely wants to reassure Oscar, but to him it comes across as insincere, like she's putting up a facade, especially since he saw only a moment ago that she was on the verge of tears and clearly upset about something, so he knows she's not being honest about how she's feeling when Oscar asks her how she's handling all of this.

And so he snaps and pushes back:

"How can you be so confident? People have tried to kill you, the world's about to go to war all over again, how are you okay with any of this?!"

(*glances at the v8 finale and v9* boi howdy those words sure do have a different weight to them now huh)

And while realising he may have been too harsh or blunt and later apologizes, it actually does succeed in getting Ruby to reflect a little and confide in him what she'd been through at the FoB and her losing Pyrrha and Penny, her own doubts and fears about the fight with Salem, and how it had shaped her resolve moving forward.

"When Beacon fell, I lost two of my friends: Penny Polendina and Pyrrha Nikos. I didn't know them for very long, but that doesn't change the fact that they were two of the most kind-hearted people I have ever met. But that didn't save them. Pyrrha thought that if there was even the smallest chance of helping someone, then it was a chance worth taking. And because of that, she died fighting a battle she knew she couldn't win. And Penny... was killed... just to make a statement."

"I am scared! But not just for me. What happened at Beacon shows that Salem doesn't care if you're standing against her or not. She'll kill anybody. And that, scares me most of all. Pyrrha... Penny... I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt. That I didn't think about them everyday since I lost them. That I didn't wish I had spent more time with them. If it had been me instead, I know they would have kept fighting too. No matter how dangerous it was. So that's what I choose to do. To keep moving forward."

And again, what stands out to me is that the last thing Oscar takes away from his conversation with Ruby in the Dojo isn't... how inspiring she is or his admiration and respect for her (though he very clearly has that too, "she must've been one of the best huntresses at beacon!"). The last thing he says in this scene, the last thing he takes away is instead this:

"This must be really hard on her too."

The more time that passes through the series and seeing Ruby slowly put under more and more pressure, and stretching herself thinner over time, (like her semblance evolves so she can break herself down to carry others in V8, and in V9 her friends have been shrunk down and she is the one responsible for carrying her team on her shoulders) to help others and save everyone and yet still fail and lose those close to her, and having to just keep trying, keep moving forward no matter what, never stopping or slowing down even if there is no clear end she can see is heartbreaking and exhausting.

And it just makes rewatching the Dojo scene hit even harder. Because yes Oscar! It really is hard on her too! And it was so damn satisfying to have someone see and acknowledge that as well as admiring her and being inspired by her. Being moved by both her strength of character AND her vulnerability. And so it's noteworthy that Oscar is the one who does this, and who pushed her to open up, even just a little, about her grief over the FoB and fears about the fight with Salem.

Especially considering the visual framing of Ruby opening up to Oscar about what she's been through while standing in an open door frame exposed to the outside cementing that as the purpose of the scene: (she is literally opening up to him)

And the fact that Oscar has a kind of a different response from when we've usually seen Ruby comfort, reassure and inspire someone before. Usually it causes them to reflect on themselves and their own struggles, (like with Blake, Jaune, Penny and Qrow) not also on hers as well.

Even with those she has a mutual sense of understanding and solidarity with, like Blake (because of their ideals) and Jaune (because of both of them sharing the responsibility of being leaders) the way they comfort and uplift her in turn when they see her doubting herself is often a double edged sword.

Jaune: You didn't drag us out here. You gave us the courage to follow you.

(4x10)

Blake: I know you don't always know what to do, but that's never stopped you from doing something. I've always looked up to you Ruby.

(8x08)

Yang and Qrow also do this, and it comes with the additional punch of comparing Ruby to Summer as an ideal she strives to be:

Yang: Mom took a risk the day she left, and I don’t think. I don’t think it went the way she wanted it to. But she’s still my hero.

(8x11)

(Summer was Yang's hero, and now Ruby is too, so she has to try to live up to that)

Ruby: This says I'm a Huntress now. But I don't feel like I know much more than I did at Beacon.

Qrow: That feeling never goes away. Your mom, Summer, would be proud of you.

Ruby: What do you think she would've done if she learned the truth about Salem? That she can't be destroyed.

Qrow: Pressed on, I think. Like you. She was always the best of us.

(7x04)

(if Summer would've pressed on, then Ruby has to keep doing that too. If she was the best, then Ruby has to be the best.)

Because, and I want to make this clear, I think Ruby appreciates and is greatful for how much they believe in her and look up to her, and it absolutely does inspire her to keep moving forward, to stand up and fight even when she's doubting herself. But it also... unintentionally places more pressure on her to try and live up to those expectations, and it deprives her of an equal, of someone to relate to and help share her burden instead of upholding her on a pedestal and having unwavering faith in her as the smaller soul everyone looks to. To bottle up her negative feelings because well, everyone believes in her as this optimistic leader who is this endless source of hope and inspiration to everyone around her, and everyone needs her to Keep Being That, and that's more important, right? She can't let them down, right?

"It's up to you to make things better, isn't it? Everything all depends on you! Your sister needs you, your friends need you. The whole world needs you to keep fighting forever and ever against an invincible monster that took your mother!"

(9x04)

Ironically, this (in part) comes back to the person who reinforced this flawed mentality in Ruby in the first place. Ozpin.

"But if you aren't always performing at your best, what reason do you give others to follow you?"

(1x10)

This was genuinely good advice for Ruby's situation at the time in V1 after her conflict with Weiss, to take her role as leader more seriously, and well intentioned I'm sure. But in the long run? Ruby has been basing her self worth on how much she can give or do for others. On being that perfect leader.

Ruby feels like she constantly needs to be a pillar of strength and support for everyone around her as a the ever-cheerful and inspiring leader, that she has to prioritize them over herself, and if she lets herself admit how much she's hurting or how scared she is, she'd be afraid of those around her losing faith. What reason would they have to follow her if she failed them like that? Thus as a result, she struggles allowing herself to open up about her own feelings and to rely on others for emotional support. And as we've starting seeing recently, bottles it up until she reaches breaking point.

Another element to consider, and there might be an earlier or more obvious indication of this, but I started to notice it in V2 when she's visibly the most depressed and worried about Blake's behaviour as she's spiralling and overworking herself, saying the party is pointless if they can't get Blake to go.

"Date or no date, none of this will matter if we can't get Blake to go."

(2x05)

Yang and Weiss are also both concerned for Blake's wellbeing, but they're also excited about the dance for themselves, (Yang talking about what dress she's going to wear, Weiss about her date, what decorations they should have, etc.) which we see when they're planning the party. For Ruby, the only point of the dance is to cheer Blake up, to get her to relax.

"What's the point? Who cares about the dance if Blake isn't going?"

(2x06)

But then Yang convinces Blake she needs to take time for herself and relax, and when Blake shows up at the party, afterwards Ruby is... then completely stumped when she no longer has someone to worry over, and ironically struggles to relax or enjoy herself at the party like everyone else.

Blake neglected her physical needs to push herself, while Ruby appears to neglect her own emotional needs. She focuses on other people's problems and struggles, concerns herself with their wellbeing and happiness, and we don't really see her think about her own. It's admirable how much she's dedicated to being a huntress, but unlike the rest of her team, she doesn't really have anything outside of that that she wants for herself. Her entire sense of self completely revolves around being a huntress.

Ozpin: Well, you can't spend your whole life on the battlefield, even if you may want to.

Ruby: (crossing her arms, looking annoyed) Yeah, that lesson's been floating around a lot lately.

Ozpin: (staring out at the dancing couples) If you think about it, fighting and dancing aren't so different. Two partners interlocked, although one wrong move on the ballroom merely leads to a swollen foot.

(2x07)

This is said while looking out on the dancing couples and comparing dancing to fighting, aka, romantic foreshadowing, which I've talked about in more detail here

(also hey thanks Oz for giving Ruby some good advice to follow the piece you gave her about being a leader in the previous volume)

It's also interesting how this is in the same volume Oobleck questions Weiss, Blake and Yang's motives for being huntresses, and later on during the campfire scene we see them each open up about their own doubts and affirming their resolve to one another, but Ruby is completely excluded from this. Instead we are given insight about Ruby from Yang's perspective, but not from Ruby herself. Because everyone assumes, even her sister, that she is the simple soul, the pure hearted hero, and therefore has no doubts or deeper reason for what she does. When in actual fact, both are true, as we start to see in the Dojo scene.

And when she allows herself to confide in Oscar about her own experiences and losses, to admit that she is scared, it actually helps in this situation. Opening up is what allows her to relate to Oscar's own fears and let her words reach him. To reflect on what she'd been through and reaffirm her own resolve. And a mutual sense of understanding in each other and their fears is established. And this makes sense, after all, allowing yourself to be vulnerable and being more honest about your more negative emotions (being sad/afraid/frustrated) leads to empathising with others and understanding them better. And Oscar goes on to do this in future volumes in trying to empathize and be vulnerable and honest with others, which for better (in Emerald, Hazel and Ozpin's case) or worse (in Ironwood's case) is always worth trying to do, because if you don't then no one can understand and reach out to each other, and nothing will truly change. Which I firmly believe is something Ruby needs to learn more in regards to her Silver Eyes and how she uses them.

Ruby has pushed Oscar to be braver and more confident in himself, (like Ruby) while Oscar has pushed Ruby to be more introspective and honest about her own feelings (like Oscar). Which is the part of both character's struggles, Oscar in overcoming his fears and Ruby in dealing with her own feelings.

There's even a callback to this scene in the V7 finale when the song "Until the End" which is a Ruby song, is playing. As Yang is asking JNR where Oscar is, the exact lyrics that play when Oscar is mentioned are:

"The tears that you've shed,

May find a tree to water,

But only when you're stronger"

Literally the words "tree" and "Oscar" overlap here.

During the Dojo scene when Ruby opens up about the hardships and losses she's endured, and the fears she still has, but also her resolve to keep moving forward, we see her wiping away her tears and reassuring Oscar, whose surname is Pine, a type of tree, like the one being referred to in Ruby's song, a tree that she's watered and helped "grow" metaphorically speaking, as a person, who is moved by her both her strength and her vulnerability. (yes yes I know it's Extremely Corny but the symbolism is Still There)

This could also mean in context of V9 and the Ever After tree that once Ruby is able to properly break down and cry, to grieve and embrace her pain, to be a rose that blooms in the rain that opens up to her team and herself, that she will be able to move forward to the tree and find her way back home.

It's also playing into her allusion as the Rose from the Little Prince as well, as she tries to face away from Oscar and quickly wipes away her tears:

“She did not want him to see her crying. She was such a proud flower…”

And it doesn't just stop there either.

In V6, after telling JNR about Jinn, Oz and Salem, we see how angry and disheartened they all are:

Jaune: "Everything we did was for nothing!"

Blake: "That's not true..."

Nora: "Really? Cos' it sure does sound like it!"

Blake: "I... um..."

Ren: "If Salem can't be killed, then how are we supposed to win this?"

Jaune: "Wow... Great plan, everyone."

After Jaune's outburst, we see Oscar look up over to Ruby, as if he's expecting her to say something uplifting or encouraging, because that's usually what Ruby does at times like this, right? But then he sees her downcast expression, and all of a sudden you see Oscar look back down as he realises that Ruby isn't going to speak up, because she's taking Jaune's critiscism the hardest out of all of them. And it settles in for him how much this is weighing down on her, because she's the leader, because she's always the one expected to have a plan or to know what to say, because she feels like she has a responsibility to live up to that image for all of them.

That this must be really hard on her too.

And we know this to be true when we later hear her confide in Maria:

"What am I supposed to tell Jaune and his team when we don't even have a plan?"

"I feel like I'm letting everyone down"

Before, Oz was considered the "Leader" of their whole group. But Oscar's trust in Ruby outweighed Oz's fear, which was why he fought for control against Oz and told Ruby how to use Jinn, because he believed and trusted in her more as a leader. And by entrusting her with that knowledge, gave her the means to make her own choice of what was right, and ultimately challenge and remove Oz from a position of leadership. And in v6 as Ruby has that role instead, she feels more responsible for their group, for their mission, than ever before, and in turn, in this scene here, Oscar feels responsible for Ruby and the burden they share.

(it's almost like Ruby and Oscar both share Oz as a foil and they're supposed to be better than him and learn from his mistakes which in turn inspires him to be better.)

"There is a rose... and I believe she has tamed me..."

“But you must not forget it. You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed. You are responsible for your rose...”

(the Little Prince)

And that's the reason why Oscar chooses to try to speak up in this moment to try and direct the attention on to himself instead, trying to defuse the tension of the situation after seeing how Ruby is struggling. Interesting is how he isn't moved to action by seeking inspiration and strength from Ruby alone as others are, but also finds the courage in himself to overcome his own fear and hesitation in a need to support her, in an attempt to alleviate the burden he sees weighing down on her.

Because she shouldn't have to always be seen and believed as the one who bears it. Not alone. Because no one should.

Gosh, it's not like one of Oscar's allusions is the Little Prince who learnt that the Rose was his responsibility to go back and take care of right?

*gestures at how Oscar ran away after his confrontation with Jaune and just so happened to come back wearing combat gear that is a very obvious nod to the Little Prince, as well as taking inspiration from Ruby's Mistral outfit and incorporating her red as his secondary colour, focused on Ruby's reaction, and how Ruby is literally referred to as "the Rose" by Tyrian in v4 and has a semblance that has her burst into rose petals*

Or the boy from the Warrior in the Woods who felt that someone should take care of the Warrior for a change, the way she had for everyone else for so long?

“You’ve spent all these years looking after us. I thought maybe it would be nice if someone looked after you for a change. Because that’s what I can do. Because no one else will"

(The Warrior in the Wood, Fairytales of Remnant)

No no, of course not, that's totally crazy.

[thepariahcontinuum]

For the ask game

A cape whose power in the ability to control damage that have made.

Like if they cut someone with a knife, they can move the cut around their victims body, or transfer it onto anything their victim is touching as a structural crack(or vice versa)

After harming something enough it allows them to puppet that object or person around.

Oh so this is just "Cycle of abuse, the person" then isn't it?

Okay since you specified that the power works on people I'm gonna say that it only works on people/living tissue, Manton limits and all that....So this is someone who has been hurt, is hurting everyone around them as a response to that and eventually, unable to heal or move beyond their trauma becomes someone who uses pain and abuse to control people (Literally with the puppeteering someone through their injuries).

I wanna say this is a Villain who tried, I mean really tried to be a hero, tried to be better but just couldn't do it. They went to the authorities and got nowhere until they triggered and then went to the PRT who got them out of that situation but didn't have the resources to help them beyond making them a Cape (We saw how much therapy the Wards actually get, it's not enough) and eventually it solidified in this kid's mind that all that really matters in life is power and who has it over who.....One fuck up on the job was enough to send them running away from everything, to another city where they reinvented themselves.

Smalltime villain, someone in the same sort of league and scale as pre-Boston Games Damsel. They have a crew around them but they don't have and don't want other Capes in it, they stay small-time and off the radar, not really interacting with the other villains in the city. it's about control, because control means power and power means safety.

Costume wise.... I'm thinking something Mall Goth/Scene Kid, something that looks "Early teens" even when she (And now the character is solidifying in my head I'm thinking young woman) reached late teens/early 20s. Basically she never let herself grow beyond a certain point. So Black leather trenchcoat and platform boots, the rest of costume is blood red and hot pink deliberately clashing, ripped tights and too many belts....Her mask is a cartoon smile full of fangs that covers the bottom of her face and she wears a bright wig which hides more of her face.

She's always got at least two weapons on her person, usually a flick-knife and a baseball bat, along with her boots, sharpened nails and wearing a lot of rings....And also a lighter, usually for punishing fuck ups. Because if your whole routine is controlling the pain you inflict on people, may as well have options for the kind of damage you're doing.

She changed her cape name when she became a villain and because she's still stuck in her hot topic phase she went for something deliberately edgy: 'Scarlet Anguish' (Definitely the name of a band she was in when she was in school).

[lilyrizzy]

Hi! I hope it is ok to ask this. I finished reading 'in that iron ground' for the second time (back to back aha) and I had a question about the scene when they fuck in Daniel's childhood bedroom, when Max asks for aftercare and the next day when Daniel notices the bruises on Max's wrist. Is this something you think they talk about after things get better? Does it become something Daniel overthinks because I think he has the tendency to do that? Just something that stuck with me!

thanks for the ask!!! sorry it takes me so long to get around to answering them sometimes....

i think one of the major developments of the whole fic is that they become much better at communicating in general. Like that's what the end of the fic was meant to kinda show, with them sat on the beach talking about their future etc. Those conversaions they've been avoiding (the same way Daniel was avoiding things with his parents), Daniel now wants to talk about because he doesn't want things between him and the people he loves anymore.

As for overthinking specifically about this, I do think that yes he would potentially overthink, you are right. but another, slightly different arc of the fic was kinda Daniel coming to realise he can't shield Max from things (himself, his father, etc) all the time, he can't like.. baby max i guess, for lack of a better term. Max is his own man, who is very emotionally mature and well adjusted in a lot of ways and he deserves to be treated as such! hences this:

"It has just been hard for me, I think, to need him in the ways he usually needs me these past few days. It’s unfair.”

His mum hums, considering. "Well, has he given you what you needed?"

And- Daniel thinks about it. Daniel thinks about Max, the way he came here, to Australia, without being asked. The way he’d organized the plane and packed Daniel’s suitcase. How he’d tried to form a tentative peace with Michael, even though they’re both the most stubborn people Daniel knows, besides himself. How he let Daniel make him feel good, how he's never once said the words, "I'm sorry," to Daniel, even though it’s all everyone else has said to him to the point it's making him want to scream.

"Yeah. He has," he tells her, nodding.

"He doesn't strike me as the kind of person who does things he doesn't want to."

So i wanted part of the development to be like, their relationship becoming more of an even playing field? And i think a part of that is daniel trusting that when max says, "it's okay, i liked it," about the sex, he means it. it's not for daniel to decide what is good/isn't good for max, what he can/can't like in bed, just because it's maybe not what daniel wants him to like! he just wanted a little cuddle and some reassurance after!

I'm not sure if it would be something visited in conversation because i think max would understand that daniel not holding him after sex is a one off because like. his dad just died, he's going through it. i think he would not hold that against daniel, like people in relationships fuck up and aren't perfect to each other all the time! if they did have a transparent conversation it would probably be like.

max: of course i dont mind rough sex, you just need to tell me, 'good boy' after

and then like. daniel trusts that and makes sure to do it!:)

[waterloggedsoliloquy]

2 & 9 for opal!

2. What's something about your OC that people wouldn't expect just from looking at them?

He knows what he's doing. Not all of it can be chalked up to dumb boy who doesn't know better.

9. Do you have a specific lyric or quote which you associate with your OC?

I like this question. Here is his playlist! And attached favorite lyrics like the 8tracks days. I can't say who he's referring to in every song, but maybe you might have some ideas?

Well, I'm just a kid of ill repute / But the skin I wear's my only suit / And you, you're just a substitute / For the one that I hold dear

2. The blocking characters are plotting new disloyalty / But sensing their irrelevance, they're frowning and displeased / The car chased through the mini-mall, amaryllis on the hood

3. All these things I've tried, boy, be cute, be dumb, be wise, be young

4. I'M SCARED! THAT I! WON'T E! VER CHANGE! I THINK! ABOUT! HER E! VERY DAY! I CAN'T! LET GO! I CAN'T! GO ON! I'M NOT! OKAY! AT ALL!

5. Hey there Mr. Blue! We're so pleased to be with you!

6. 'Cuz my heart is my keep! / And yo-u-u-u-u-u are threatening me!

7. The ache of a decade / the cure is overdue / for this brand-new kind of blue

8. You told me I'm hard to live with, but you said it out of spite! / I may put you through some suffering but I'll never prove you right! / It's a chapter that you're stuck on, but you'd rather read alone / I'm an uninspiring ending, but the best you've ever known!

9. Once I was the King of Spain / now I eat humble pie / A palatial palace, that was my home / now I eat humble pie

10. All My Friends Are Falling In Love / I know that if I was to set you free / You'd let them take you away from me

11. The sleeping beauty of the wasteland / Carry the milk or pierce the body with swords / machine guns, flowers, and peacock feathers

12. You got a reaction / You got a reaction, didn't you? / You took a white orchid / You took a white orchid turned it blue

13. 'Cuz what if I become my mother's / sole reputation? / and with no hesitation / i just burn all night

14. You are an unfit rival / By spirits taught to sing / But a tune so twisted now / Like all that's sweet's gone sour

15. I hug myself hard / How come there's peacocks in the front yard?

16. One girl's not so loud, like a convert she believes / She's always been looking for wires / But now she knows none are required / It's magic

17. I can see now you've stepped into the light / You've got those bright kind of eyes that I like / I kinda lie and I can't find a way through / I've obscured my own view / Well I'd do anything to make you mine

18. I just want to know what your feathers are made out of / Is it bruises or roses or cradles or coffins? (It's all those!) / Which peacock is beast? Which peacock is priest? / If your friends are all cripple, all wither, all wilt / I know, I know, I know

19. My name should be trouble / my name should be woe! / 'cuz trouble heartache / is all that I know! / Lonely lonely blue boy / is my name!

20. Don't occupy my throne, give me the crown I own / Lived like you told me how, look at me now

21. Swear to shake it up, if you swear to listen / Oh, we're still so young, desperate for attention / I aim to be your eyes, trophy boys, trophy wives

22. [no lyrics]

23. Misjudged your limits / Pushed you too far / Took you for granted / I thought that you needed me more, more, more

24. Poor little rich boy, all the couples have gone / You wish that they hadn't, you don't wanna be alone / But they wanna kiss and they got homes of their own

25. What she asked of me at the end of the day/ Caligula would have blushed!

26. [no lyrics]

27. Today I am / A small blue thing / Like a marble / Or an eye / With my knees against my mouth

28. Will you come a little closer now and tell me I'm a / Scrawny mother fucker with a cool hairstyle?

29. Hello again / Not much has changed / I'm still the same / Just a bit older / Where have you been? / How do you like it? / I'm still the same / Just a bit bolder

[vvatchword]

Failure on Every Level: A Texas Story

Shouting Lady got on the bus today and we nearly had a full fucking fight. There was a security guard on the bus and idk what they taught this man but the very first thing he did was rare up and throw out a hand as the Shouter mounted the bus stairs. Guys that is called escalation. I know he meant well but I was like yikes is this your job? You suck.

Shouter was perhaps late fifties, big sunglasses, clearly homeless because she had a rolling suitcase and all her bags balanced on top of it. The homeless often have reusable bags donated by or acquired from a big local grocery store. I'm guessing that the local aid groups use them to donate supplies. You can pick them out of crowds.

What is with mental illness and the n-word? What the fuck is it? The world is full of slurs and all they have is that one. Okay, and fatass. They've got that one down. I never say or do anything to these folks but they tend to pick me out. They ain't wrong, this ass is fat. Again, doesn't bother me. It's the truth and they're stuck living one of the most miserable lives I can imagine. They can call me whatever they want. Won't change the fact I'm on top of the world, comparatively speaking, and if they can get an ounce of pleasure out of it, I'm actually glad to provide the service.

But again. The n-word. My friends. Why. I think because it's the most vile taboo word outside of, perhaps, "cunt." It always makes you cringe and sucks all the comfort out of the room. And there are always, always black folks on the bus when they employ it. Sometimes the slur-user is spitting full racist screeds and you turn to look at them and they are black themselves. And you're like wait. Wait what is going on. This is cursed

My supposition is that it's a way to stop being invisible. It's so awful that everyone becomes aware of it and the speaker becomes the most visible person on the bus. The other riders can't ignore it. It may also be a way of blowing off steam or attempting to wrest some kind of power back--claiming you're better than so-and-so because you're white and that's all you have left. Maybe several elements at once. I mean nobody gets on the bus screaming poetry, you know.

I take that back. There's one homeless guy who freestyle raps every time he gets on the bus. Annoying as fuck but preferable. Once I complimented him on his skills, but he flinched and stared at me like I was going to smack him. Poor guy, seriously. I haven't seen him since the winter. I hope he's okay.

anyway today's shouter was very white. She was screaming furiously into a phone. I'm not sure she was even talking to anyone. She was screaming about dying in the heat, and the implication was that someone had kicked her out. I vaguely remembered her from somewhere, which is a bad sign.

"MA'AM DON'T GET ON THIS BUS ANGRY PLEASE," shouted security guard. This always works, as does "calm down" and "have you tried yoga?"

"HAWRAnGANGaA" or something from the Shouting Lady. She was always talking, always in a stream of consciousness sort of way, with every word shouted and the same non-stop rhythm and volume and mood, like an unstoppable river current, so it was kinda hard to tell what she was saying. She never shut her mouth unless someone was talking to her, and the only reason other people talked to her was because they were telling her to shut up. At one point six unrelated people were yelling at once.

"Ah good," i thought. "Hell."

Security guard yelled about how he was a security guard and had been in the military. Big cringe moment friends. If you are, you are, you know? If you have to bring out your credentials your insecurity is showing. Also he's already twice her size and ten years younger, if she's not respectful now she's not going to start, ok

"I don't care if you were in the military!" Shouting Lady shouts.

for the record, he was trying to win by cowing this lady and this lady thrived on anxiety. Here's how you deescalate, for the record:

You smile. You speak softly. You hold eye contact. You ask their name. You use their name often while speaking to them. What has their day been like? What's wrong? Oh that's too bad. What do you think the solution is? Oh, I agree. Lots of nodding, smiling, gentleness. You make the conversation all about them, all open-ended questions. Their voice may not go down, but it can refocus them, make their tones more pleasant, and they don't have the urge to attack strangers. Half of the problem is that they feel like nobody sees them and nobody cares.

You don't go all full Tough Guy and threaten to pile-drive them like Security Guard literally did.

Everyone settles down somewhat while Shouting Lady shouts her interpretation of what had just happened ("i was attacked by that guy for no reason! You are going to lose your job!!!"). Bus driver asks her to calm down. Shouting Lady shouts about her civil rights and how bus driver is just supposed to drive.

Without warning, Shouting Lady gets up and lifts her phone and marches up the aisle to take a picture of Security Guard. Security Guard launches off like a furious doberman screaming "GET THAT CAMERA OUT OF MY FACE I WILL RIP IT OUT OF YOUR HAND" and Shouting Lady staggers backwards, clearly terrified. Won't lie, it was kinda gratifying to watch her nearly piss herself. A wise motherfucker ain't fucking with Security Guard. He exuded Do Not Mess with Me or You Have the Right to Stay Silent FOREVER. The guy was short, but stacked, and you had the sensation that he could flip that old lady and smash her flat like a coke can. I noticed she didn't use the n-word on him. She had that much sense, i guess.

Security Guard and Shouting Lady go back and forth a bit. I'm sorry, who taught this man shit? Fire them. Then fire him. As far as I'm concerned he was just making things worse. Made me think about shitty police work. Fight everybody, threaten them, if they don't stop, make them stop by force. Diplomacy? Wtf is that lol. Imma big man grrrr big cock grrr strong grrrrrrr

It also bothered me--i was listening to other passengers--how people attributed her behavior not to mental illness, but to her specifically. Like they couldn't see the reason for why she was acting like that. Do you not see the way she's speaking, do you not hear the way she strings words together, do you not realize that this isn't normal? So why are you trying to use reason on what is clearly emotional? The computer is borked, do not appeal to the computer. Find the root and dig it out. It's emotional and social need. And medicine and therapy. That too.

And then one of the other passengers, an older man in a page-boy cap--might've been the same one from two days ago--rose up and shouted, "Lady if you don't stop I'm going to call down Jesus into this bus right now. I'm going to rebuke that spirit in you. There is something wicked in you"

Me: (thinking) it's called mental illness and a shitty social safety net but go off I guess

Page-Boy Cap starts loudly praying and suddenly Security Guard stalks down there and slaps a hand on his shoulder, then bends his head in prayer. For those of you who don't understand, there's a belief in evangelical churches in the power of healing with the laying on of hands and "where two of you are, there I shall be also". Implication is that you can have miraculous powers if there are two of you or more. Long story short, little public exorcism right there on the bus.

Texas, my friends. Texas

Shouting Lady looks concerned for the second time. I almost never see shouting people of her ilk look concerned. I guess being told you're demon possessed is kinda startling no matter who you are. Also, she probably considered herself Christian too, i realized after some thought. Not uncommon for religion to be the subject of some shouting people. Everyone is trying to impose order on an unreasonable world and that's the crux of faith in general.

Bus driver finally slowed down and she's like, does anyone want to get on the bus behind me

Everyone gets up at once. I think that's when Shouting Lady realized nobody was on her side. She got off the bus in a huff and marched off toward a store to make everybody there sad.

Security Guard got off at the capitol stop.

Oh my god. You know what this means? He's probably one of the guards at the capitol building. That building is absolutely covered with guards fully kitted out in bullet-proof armor and automatic combat rifles. It's actually terrifying to walk in there. There is no reason to have a full platoon stationed there unless you are the most insecure and/or hypermasculine piece of shit imaginable. And guess what Texas' political top dogs are? All peacocking and grandstanding. We neeeeeeed 300 guys in bullet-proof armor and combat rifles here in order to show how very in control we are. We need to protect ourselves from (checks back of hand) high-school trans athletes!!!!

We're in their hands my fellow Texans. We're in these giant children's hands and I hate them

[brokenheartedbabe]

Thinking

May 30, 2024

It's been a while. I don't know why, but I can't stop myself from thinking about you lately. Especially today for some reason. The longer we go without talking, the more convinced I become that we'll never speak to each other again. I can't reach out to you no matter how much I may want to because I know nothing will be different between us. I miss you every day. I wish I could see you again. You're the only guy I ever really think about.

I tried moving on, kind of. I slept with another person, and I hated it pretty much the entire time. Then he turned around and freaked out on me after I told him I didn't want to see him again. Oh well. I had a date and he turned out to be a jerk. Told me to drive an hour and a half to come sleep with him after he stood me up. Too bad though, he was kind of hot. I was talking to this one guy, briefly. He was nice. We had a lot in common and I thought we could have gotten along pretty well until he ghosted me. So, not much luck in the dating department. I deleted Tinder entirely. Nothing good has come out of having that app. In fact, I was much better off before I downloaded it.

I have work tomorrow. 8 hours. It'll be good to have something to do. It'll keep my mind off of you.

I don't know why I'm thinking about you so much. This is how it happened last time too. I was doing well. I felt like I was moving on. And then all of a sudden, two weeks after no contact, I thought about you all day. Out of nowhere. Most days, you're just a passing thought. Maybe a random memory of us will pop into my mind and I'll ignore it. I'll hear your name somewhere and it'll catch my attention briefly before I move on. I'll hear a song that reminds me of you and I'll turn it off and go about my day. Usually, my thoughts of you are not all consuming. But today they have been, and I don't know what to do. I don't want to talk to anyone about it because I don't want people to know that I'm still hung up on you, even though I've said it before.

I'm tired of admitting that I can't move on from you. I'm tired of having feelings for you that are unreciprocated. I'm tired of thinking about reaching out to you because it just makes me wonder if you ever think about reaching out to me.

And then, a part of me thinks that it's not that I can't move on from you, I just don't want to. When things ended up falling through with all of those guys, I honestly didn't care that much. I was only talking to them because I just wanted someone to talk to, because I can't talk to you. I only slept with that guy because I can't sleep with you. When that one guy stood me up for the date, yeah, I was a little upset, but I was more upset because all I could think about was you. Wanting to talk to you, wanting to hold you, wanting to be with you. Yeah, the date might have been fun, but the only one I really want is you. I still wish you wanted me the way I want you.

I keep telling myself that I'm not waiting for you. I tell myself that the door is closed and I'm going to live my life and if you ever decide to come back, then so be it, but I won't sit around waiting for you to change your mind. And yet, I am actively avoiding getting back out there. I downloaded Hinge probably about a week ago, and I still haven't finished my profile. My friend asked me why and my excuse was that I'm tired of meeting new people. That's partially true. I also don't want to meet someone who is more into me than I am into them. Another partial truth. But the main reason is that I'm stuck on you. And I don't want to meet someone and then suddenly have you reappear in my life, because at this point, if you decided to come back right now, I would welcome you with open arms. So, I am waiting for you.

I don't want to move on because I know the only thing that is keeping us connected is my attachment to you. Once I let that go, we'll be done. So, I'm still in the same position I was in a month ago when you told me that you were using me, and I forgave you instantly. I still am not ready to let you go. And I want to be. I want to be ready to let you go because I'm tired of this sadness. And sure, I'm not sad all the time. But when I'm low, I'm really low. I just want to be on the other side of the situation.

[leaving-anorexia-behind]

13.06.24

Things have gone from bad to even worse the past few weeks. I've been met with barrier after barrier and now I'm at a complete loss. If I moved to Herts (the area I want to go to as I'd be able to continue work and be much closer to family and my best friend) I would have to transfer ED services. The one team who have stuck by me and genuinely want to see me in a far better place.

If I went back Kent, I'd be able to work with them, but I'd lose my job and be much further away from friends and family. It's a horrendous decision as ofc I love being near to my family and best friend, especially with my dad getting older, I want to be there for him as much as I can. Plus, my job has massively helped me the past few months and it could be a great stepping stone.

The dietitian/ service manager is cold towards me. All she cares about is when I'll leave. She has said that as a service they can't help me and has asked why I'm struggling with restricting... is it not obvious?! I'm in a situation I have no control over, I'm being kicked out of the one place I thought could help and I have no idea where I'll go to next. Oh and I have an eating disorder?!

I also had my CPA yesterday. My home team asked what support I was getting as I should be having more. I was asked how my session with the service manger went so I was honest and explained that she had said if I didn't get on with my key worker due to not being able to support me then that was up to me. I felt confused and frustrated. Surely if you get on well with someone else, who is able to support you in a way that actually benefits you then it would make sense for you to work with them?!

I was asked why I didn't have a key worker which I tried to explain, saying it was difficult to build a rapport when they have to read questions off a piece of paper that another support worker wrote for them, before saying "I'll be a mother figure to you"... That was when the housing manager snapped at me saying how I wouldn't work with anyone else and had a block towards all of them apart from one. By all he meant two and the above was one of them. To top it off he then turned to me and said that he hadn't said it to me before but found me difficult to work with. That stung.

When I first arrived, I wouldn't be in the same room as him. Within a few months, I was able to not only manage being in a room with him alone, but I really opened up to him too. If he had felt that way, he should have told me and I wouldn't have wasted his time. I knew being kicked out was never going to be easy but for it to become toxic was not something I was prepared for.

I was quite upset and spoke to one of the support workers I get on well with. She thinks the whole thing is horrendous and doesn't agree with any of what has been done or said. She actually got quite upset. She's asked me to help her find a way to become a therapist to work with people with EDs as she's aiming to leave by the end of the year. I don't blame her. The way she gets treated by some of the other staff is horrible. If it wasn't for her constant support I don't know how I would have got through the past few months and I'll forever be grateful.

In terms of actually finding somewhere, I'm very much still in the dark. My social worker has done my care plan which will be put to panel and then the tenures. He did mention the Shared Lives Scheme but I don't think that's for me. I'd rather have my own flat with support (although even I know I'm not ready for that).

My care co was kind and said that I have put such a brave face on throughout all the uncertainty. I'm seeing her in person next Tuesday as I'm going to drive to Kent to meet her. I'm hoping that just maybe we will even have a placement to view.

At this point, I'm done with being at the ED residential unit and am desperately trying not to give up completely.

[veebs-hates-video-games]

Blacksmith of the Sand Kingdom is more fun than any 6/10 game that does everything ok but nothing great has any right to be

I'm going to attempt to get myself to post stuff here again even though I don't feel up to it most of the time, just so I don't forget my thoughts on things or forget how to write, and I guess we can start with this one because I just finished it over the past week.

Literally nothing in the game hasn't been done before dozens of times, frequently just as well if not better, but somehow it's still pretty satisfying anyway, and a lot of people who've tried to do those same things have managed to screw them up in ways that they avoided here.

The crafting system was just interesting enough to keep my attention until I finished the game, but it's nothing compared to an Atelier game.

The turn-based combat has a decent number of options available, but it doesn't give you much incentive to actually use most of them and doesn't stand out much in most ways (beyond how amazingly you can break it).

The music is kind of catchy and still stuck in my head, but beyond that it doesn't really stand out in any way.

Most of the art is serviceable and nice enough to look at, but the animations are kinda stiff and a lot of stuff is relatively generic. The character portraits are genuinely pretty good though.

The characters are pretty generic too, and you can guess exactly which stereotypes they fall into right away and be completely right, but they have just enough interactions with each other to make them mostly pretty likeable to spend time with them anyway.

And the story is just a big pile of tropes and cliches, but in a pretty inoffensive way that serves its purpose to move the game forward and be mildly rewarding when things get resolved.

Is it a great game? Absolutely not. Did I have a lot of fun with it anyway? Heck yeah!

It has a satisfying loop of doing quick runs of dungeons to collect materials, going back to town to talk to people and turn in quests, crafting a bunch of new stuff, selling the extras in your shop, and then repeating it all the next day. There's nothing revolutionary, and in a lot of ways it looks and feels like something from like 25 years ago, but they've managed to get rid of a lot of the rough edges a lot of games that actually came out back then tended to have, so there are very few barriers to just playing the game if you get into that loop.

I know Kemco has a reputation these days for publishing D-tier games that are low budget and not very good (and let's be real, the physical copy of Lagoon I still have for the SNES from when I was a kid tells me no one should be surprised that's what they do now because that's what they've always done), but there are some hidden gems in there, and this makes me curious about Rideon's (the developer's) other games. I guess I'll find out when Marenian Tavern Story: Patty and the Hungry God inevitably goes on sale again in the next few weeks.

Also since I can't be bothered to figure out where to edit it into this post higher up or make a separate one for it, here's something Blacksmith of the Sand Kingdom got right that much higher budget games that in theory should be much more polished surprisingly often don't: the way the menus feel.

Sure, they could've organized them a little better so you didn't need to dig through so many of them to do certain things like socket orbs into your gear, but they're quick and responsive and have options for filtering and sorting what's in them too. You can also scroll them one line at a time or an entire page at a time, when a surprising number of games don't bother with the latter.

And the real thing they got right that way too many games don't is that they're nearly instantaneous. I think it was World of Final Fantasy (definitely a Squenix game I played in the past year or so anyway) where the menus take a second or two to open up and become interactable, which is mildly annoying itself but made so much worse by the menu and cursor being drawn to the screen right away but not becoming responsive until that second or two is up. It's super obnoxious to visually indicate that you can do stuff when you can't do stuff yet, and I had to train myself over the course of the game to wait before pushing any buttons every time I opened the menu.

Something that's somewhere in between the two is Xenoblade Chronicles 3, where I'm pretty sure the menus take about the same amount of time to open, but the animation of them fading in is used to partially hide that, and more importantly they don't draw the cursor until it's already ready. As soon as it looks like you can interact with it you actually can for real, which feels infinitely better.

Anyway, that's the kind of thing that tons of AAA games manage to screw up that Blacksmith of the Sand Kingdom largely avoids. It also mostly manages to avoid doing anything truly great, but just not having tons of little common annoyances goes a long way because they add up.

Blacksmith of the Sand Kingdom: it's ok! And sometimes that's enough.