#'we kept the truth from you so you wouldn't feel different' and yet she says she taught him magic BECAUSE he felt different

[beaniebaneenie]

This has nothing to do with you, and how dare you emotionally blackmail Loki like that?

Trying to force him to accept you as his mother, so you feel better and less guilty (and completely dismissing his emotional pain and distress over the last millennium) and you can Play Pretend like you're a happy family, when you know that he is desperate for a scrap of comfort? When that also means forcing him to accept Odin, his kidnapper, as his father?

Maybe it's an unpopular opinion, but I'm actually glad Loki denied her.

He didn't give in to the emotional blackmail.

THOR: THE DARK WORLD (2013) dir. Alan Taylor

[coryoskywalker]

was it over? (Young! Coriolanus Snow x Reader)

Description: was their relationship really over?

Warnings!! Coriolanus being a manipulative bitch. He’s also obsessed with y/n but he won’t admit it obviously *insert eye roll* :)

Also I didn’t proofread this…like…at all…

"I know it's difficult, y/n." Coriolanus stated solemnly, a heavy weight settling in his stomach at the thought of what he was about to say.

They had been sitting together quietly in the meadow, the gentle buzz of insects filling the air as the light of the afternoon bathed the forest in a warm, golden glow. The atmosphere was calm and serene, making it all the more jarring for Coriolanus to bring up such a delicate subject.

"What's difficult?" y/n inquired curiously, turning to face him. Her tone was light, but her smile was tinged with concern.

"Us." Coriolanus replied simply, the one word hanging heavy in the air between them. The tension rose as y/n remained silent, her gaze shifting away as she struggled to find the right words.

"What do you mean?" y/n finally asked softly, her heart already knowing the answer. Her voice had grown hoarse as she tried desperately not to show the hurt she was feeling.

At first, Coriolanus's expression remained unchanged, but as y/n watched more closely, she saw a slight downturn of his lips, the smallest of sighs escaping his lips.

"We're not working out." Coriolanus finally spoke, the words tearing the silence in twain like a knife. Y/n's heart shattered at the sound of them, her breath catching in her throat as a wave of disbelief washed over her. Could this really be happening? Did her relationship with Coriolanus mean so little to him that he was willing to throw it away like this?

"What do you mean, we're not working out?!" y/n finally exclaimed, her voice breaking as her emotions ran high.

"I need to be honest with you, y/n." Coriolanus began, his voice as steady as the ground beneath her feet. Y/n felt her heart sink as she looked up at him, already knowing what he was about to say, yet praying for a miracle.

"There's someone else." Coriolanus continued, an expression of guilt and sadness crossing his face. Y/n wanted to sink into the earth, the pain she felt at those words threatening to break her.

Y/n wanted to argue with him, to convince him that she could be everything he needed and more. But as she stared at the grief and uncertainty in his eyes, she knew that he wouldn't be swayed.

"Please, Coriolanus..." y/n whispered, the words catching in her throat as her eyes welled with tears. "I'm sorry for not being enough for you. I tried so hard to be the girl you needed. How long have you been hiding this from me?" Her voice was desperate, her heart torn at the thought of losing him.

"For a while," Coriolanus admitted quietly, his voice so low that y/n barely heard him. "But you kept trying so hard, and I liked the attention you gave me. But then one day, I met someone else. And they changed the way I saw you."

Y/n couldn't help but feel her heart break as she took in Coriolanus's confession. She'd always known that he would get bored of her eventually, but the reality was different than the fantasy she'd created. Her cheeks felt hot with shame as tears began to fall.

Coriolanus looked up at her with a look of pity, a silent apology on his expression as he placed his hand gently on her knee.

"I'm sorry, y/n." He whispered, unable to hide his own disappointment in himself. "I should have told you sooner. But I still care for you...just not in the same way."

Y/n's stomach twisted as she heard the truth spill out of his mouth. She wanted to protest, to beg Coriolanus to reconsider, but the truth was there between their words, making her feel as small as an insect.

"We can still be friends." Coriolanus offered weakly, his body tense as the weight of their conversation settled across his shoulders.

To y/n, the suggestion of friendship was more painful than the reality of their break-up. It was worse to know that the love she felt for him now meant nothing to him. The thought of seeing him with another girl was unbearable.

"I can't." She whispered softly, her voice breaking slightly as her face flooded with pain. "I can never see you the same way."

Coriolanus slowly nodded, his expression sad but understanding.

"But...but I love you." y/n breathed, her breath catching in her throat as tears began to fall. This couldn't be real. She was having a nightmare, and she was about to wake up any second now. She had to be, because the thought of her life without Coriolanus was unimaginable.

"I'm sorry." He murmured quietly, running his fingers through his hair as if to clear his mind. His eyes were downcast, avoiding hers. "But I can't love you the way you want me to."

Coriolanus slowly stood to his feet, still unable to meet y/n's gaze. His footsteps were heavy as he walked away from her, the sound of his sandals sinking into the soft grass.

Y/n watched him leave, unable to react, her thoughts consumed with a hollow sadness that left her feeling hollow inside. She wanted to beg him to stay, to reassure her that he was making a mistake, but no words would leave her mouth. She could only sit in stunned silence as her heart shattered into a million pieces.

As Coriolanus disappeared into the distance, y/n was left alone with her pain, the sounds of her weeping drowned out by the birdsong and rustle of leaves. The sunlight filtering through the trees was no longer pleasant, but rather felt like a spotlight on her misery.

The sun began to set, and y/n realized she had been sitting in the meadow for hours, numb to everything around her like a zombie without a soul. It was only as darkness began to settle that she slowly forced her legs to move, to walk away from the place where her heart broke forever.

——————————————————————————-

Y/n sat in front of the television, trying to distract herself with the news broadcast. For months, she had been unable to get Coriolanus Snow out of her mind, and now seeing him on television every day was like a cruel reminder of the hole that had been left in her heart.

"Breaking news..." The newscaster began, her voice puncturing the silence of the living room. y/n felt her heart start to pound as she knew the next sentence would confirm all of her suspicions. "President Coriolanus Snow...reportedly engaged to-"

"...to the daughter of Panem political figure-" The newscaster's voice continued, but y/n couldn't listen any longer. She couldn't care less about the political landscape of the country or what family Coriolanus was marrying into. She knew it was pointless to continue pining after Coriolanus, but seeing the evidence of his imminent marriage was like stabbing her heart all over again.

Tears sprang to y/n's eyes, but she was unaware of her own sobs. All she could focus on was the pain of the breakup, the hurt of seeing Coriolanus move on without her.

Y/n tried to push away the emotions welling within her as the words flashed on the TV screen: "Wedding date confirmed." Her hand rose to her heart as if to clutch something inside of her that was slipping away. What had she done to deserve such heartbreak? She had loved Coriolanus since they met, and yet he had never been hers.

She wanted to be angry, to blame him for leading her on and making her think they could be together, but she could never hate him. Instead, y/n was left with only sadness, her heart broken beyond repair.

Y/n looked up as loud knocking sounded at her front door. She tried to ignore it, to pretend that she didn't hear it and continue with her day, but the banging became louder, more persistent, refusing to let her sit in her grief.

Eventually, she forced herself to her feet and crossed the room to answer the door, wondering who would be coming by at this time of night. She froze as she saw Coriolanus Snow standing on her doorstep, his expression solemn and his eyes set with determination.

Y/n felt her head spin as she opened the door. Coriolanus stood there, his face pale and his eyes pleading with her. What did he want from her now? She had already experienced too much pain at his hands, and wasn't eager to endure this again.

"I never stopped loving you." He whispered, his voice quivering as he forced the words out. "Please, y/n...I know I should've said something sooner, but I couldn't keep living a lie. I don't want anyone else. I only want you."

Y/n couldn't believe what she was hearing. Was it really possible that Coriolanus hadn't fallen out of love with her? Surely he couldn't give her hope only to take it back again.

"I don't believe you." She whispered, her eyes searching his as if to uncover his true intentions.

"I mean it." Coriolanus insisted, taking a step towards her. "I've never stopped loving you, y/n. I've never wanted anyone else." His words were like music to her ears, but she still couldn't be sure if she could trust them.

"Then how could you let me believe you were marrying someone else?" Y/n inquired softly, her eyes filling with tears. "How could you make me feel so...so abandoned."

Coriolanus looked away, unable to meet her eye. "I know it was wrong, y/n...but I couldn't bear to see the pain on your face when I told you." She couldn't understand his reasoning, but when he reached out for her hand and pulled her into an embrace, y/n didn't even try to resist.

Coriolanus wrapped his arms around y/n, holding her against his chest as she melted into his embrace. In that moment, she felt safe and wanted, and for the first time in a long time, she felt like she belonged.

"I'm sorry..." Coriolanus whispered into her ear. "I know I hurt you, but I'll make it up to you, I swear."

She didn't know how long they stayed in that embrace, but eventually, reality crept back in and y/n pulled away from him. "What about your wedding?" She whispered, her gaze falling to his hand.

Coriolanus looked at her hand, then back to y/n. "I canceled it." He confirmed with a small smile. "I don't need anything else, just you."

Y/n's eyes flickered with surprise, followed by relief. Was it really that simple? Was Coriolanus saying all of the right things, only to abandon her again?

"Is that why you're here? You don't want to get married anymore?" She asked, wanting to be sure that she understood him clearly before she let her heart believe him.

Coriolanus sighed as he studied her face, his expression turning cunning and calculating. "Y/n," he began slowly, "you and I both know that our love isn't meant to be. I know you want one thing, but I want something else."

"I want you to love me unconditionally," Coriolanus continued, a strange glint in his eye. "To love me above all others, and to always put my needs above yours. No questions asked." Coriolanus sighed as he studied her face, his expression turning cunning and calculating.

Y/n froze, her mind racing. What did Coriolanus mean by that? Did he not love her after all?

"But...but that's not how love works." Y/n replied weakly, her voice cracking under the weight of Coriolanus's words. He stepped closer to her, until their faces were only inches apart. His eyes remained focused on her, their intensity making her feel like she was under his spell.

"You're wrong." He whispered. "A true love gives everything, without question. Only then can one call themselves lovers." Y/n felt her heart flutter as Coriolanus spoke, his voice making her toes tingle and her stomach feel hollow.

Y/n couldn't say anything, her body too consumed by Coriolanus's words and the spell that he was weaving. She wanted to say no, to resist him, but all she could manage to do was silently stare at him, a flush of heat rising across her cheeks.

"Don't you love me?" Coriolanus whispered, his voice dripping with seduction and intrigue as he tilted his head to the side curiously.

"Yes..." She breathed quietly, the word coming out almost as a whisper, her heart fluttering in her chest.

"You belong to me." Coriolanus murmured, his eyes never straying from hers. Y/n felt her breath catch in her throat as his words sunk in, and she felt herself fall into him.

She loved him, she belonged to him, and there was nothing that could change that. Nothing mattered in that moment except Coriolanus and the feelings that he was stirring in her heart. With shaking hands and trembling lips, she gave herself to him, knowing that he would never leave her again.

Y/n gave Coriolanus everything, holding nothing back as she gave herself to him fully. He took her body like it was his right, his hands exploring and claiming her in ways that left her mind reeling with the intensity of the moment. She wanted to hate him for taking advantage of her, for turning her love and devotion into something twisted and controlling. But all she could focus on was Coriolanus and the way his bright eyes burned into hers, his words hypnotizing her to obey his every command.

[chorusofkhonshu]

Noone was going to die.

Mostly I made this because I guess people on some platforms were saying Noone was wrong for going with the Ferryman or that she should have stayed with Otto. So I guess I made this to inform that, no, she could not have stayed with Otto. Well she could have, maybe, but she would have died shortly after. She made the best possible choice to survive when she didn't know it at the time, and here's why. In the first episode she is already ill, she survived the water sickness but still has these lingering headaches. We even get told that the flower that she got from her parents died that morning as well. Get to that soon. Following the first episode Noone's condition slowly deteriorates more and more. The headaches get stronger, she starts to scratch behind her ear. The EEG machines hurt her head as well, she doesn't like the way they feel, a burning sensation in her head growing stronger and stronger. Then along comes episode 4 where near the end of the episode she starts to react violently to whatever happened to her at the end of the nightmare. Episode 5, back to that flower I mentioned earlier. Otto gets her an exact replacement to the one her parents got her. This is where we find out what kind of flower was given to her by her parents. That flower being a Chrysanthemum. In different parts of the world these flowers have many different meanings depending on their color. However it seems to be in Europe for the most part that these flowers are for gravesides or mourning the dead regardless of color. If this wasn't important they wouldn't have bothered mentioning the type of flower. Finally the last episode. There is a time jump of 2 or 3 days. Otto says so. Noone vanished again, this time a whole night, reappearing at sunrise in the south wing of the institute. She was then confined for two days. When Otto goes to see her, I can only assume she is in a haggard state because A. her illness has progress further and B. While she is scared to sleep, she still wants to and has presumably been trying to sleep, she says the nurse keeps interrupting her, the fire in her head hurting now more than ever. She's been kept awake for two days and nights, not allowed to sleep. Her stomach is also hurting yet Otto forces her to eat the sleep inducing candy. He does not want to wait for her to sleep and needs her to be in a deep sleep. You know the rest, she goes to Nowhere. My conclusion? Everyone one knew she was going to die. Her parents, probably other doctors before coming to Otto, he's a psychologist I guess so it makes sense for him not to find out until he sent her up for radiology. This is why her parents come to see her even once! They are bad parents, this is why her disappearance will be swept under the rug. Everyone expects her to die! They used to live in a crappy apartment but moved into a rich house, probably because of money they got when Noone was pronounced a survivor of the "water sickness" as she was paraded around on television to show the world there is a cure. How do you think that would look if the kid you paraded around as cured just up and died? That the cure was a lie? If the water sickness is a huge pandemic if could even be the case that the government is involved, silencing everything to prevent the truth that no cure exists. Her going to Nowhere was the only choice she had. I don't think Otto knew she was dying, mostly because he is blinded by the pursuit of the Ferryman. But this was her only chance to continue living. Listen, if it was me and I had the choice between staying in our world and going to Nowhere, I'd stay here. Now if I'm dying? You best believe I'm taking my chances in Nowhere.

[mentauxx]

What led Saitou Yakumo to decide to live in solitude?

(Minor spoilers for Volume 11 - file 01 and MAJOR spoilers for the prequel Blue curse)

You see, Yakumo never wanted to be alone. He didn't always have his forced poker face. He used to smile and laugh like everyone else.

So, what caused such a bright boy to end up the way he did? I think this excerpt from volume 11 explained it quite well (since it was written from his POV):

Humans would feel reassured if they were the same as their fellow peers. They felt safe when obscured within a group. Yakumo didn't intend to criticise that fact. For the kind of people who chose to form society based on groups, such a thing was inevitable. However- Such a decision had another side to it. Without mercy, they would reject those who were different from them. Yakumo's red left eye had been a target of that rejection. "Disgusting."

"What's with that eye?"

"Don't come any closer, you monster." He had no idea just how many hurtful words he had been subjected to because of his red left eye. Having received such a treatment countless times, Yakumo realised he couldn't be with other people. Ostracised from the group and forced into solitude, Yakumo had chosen to build a wall around his heart, shutting himself inside as means of self-defence. As he became a middle school student, he had used a black contact lens to conceal his red left eye such that his outward appearance wouldn't be feared. Yet, doing so hadn't put his heart at ease. He had merely been hiding it. The fact that his left eye was different from others had remained unchanged. Besides, the thought that his secret might get exposed kept him anxious. He couldn't blend well with others despite already concealing his red left eye.

Because he knew that people would ostracise him as an abnormality once they discovered the truth. In the end, Yakumo stayed away from getting too involved with others and chose to be alone. Of course, his differing appearance hadn't been the only reason he had suffered. Being able to see spirits that others couldn't on the daily in itself was a form of suffering. The world of the living and the realm of the dead -constantly being able to see both caused the barrier between the two to blur, until he himself saw his own existence as something dangerous.

So we can say that he was quite literally forced into solitude.

But, how far did Yakumo try to be accepted?

during his elementary school years, Yakumo discovered that he was the only one seeing what he sees and thought that he was the abnormal one, so he tried wearing an eye patch thinking that if he covers his eye people would accept him which failed as we know.

After being shunned by everyone Yakumo decided to start anew and started wearing a contact lens when he started middle school, but just like he mentioned; doing so didn't put his heart at ease.

On top of that, those who went to the same elementary school as he did were spreading nasty rumors about him. They said his parents were missing and that HE was the one who killed them. His classmates would call him a murderer, accuse him of cheating on his exams using clairvoyance (like stfu) which all led to him getting severely bullied.

Rumors about him seeing ghosts and the fact that his eye was red were there too.

At that point Yakumo realized that being accepted by "normal" people is impossible (Isshin was the only exception. Which greatly confused Yakumo, but then he came to the conclusion that, just like he told Haruka: 'That’s the sort of person he is.’)

And so, his middle school years went by until a particular incident happened in his third year. A "meddlesome" teacher refused to just let him be which again greatly confused Yakumo because why would a teacher do so much for a student? She should just leave him alone like everyone else. Akemi didn't listen to that and she actually had Yakumo open up completely to her (Yes, I'm referring to that one scene before she confessed to the police). Boy was even happy she'd marry his uncle. But of course just when his life was taking a turn for the better, he lost her as well and completely shut off his heart. Even went as far as trying to gouge his red eye out with a cutter, but thankfully Isshin made it just in time.

You might think that was the point when Yakumo decided to live alone, but it doesn't stop here.

6 months later he enters high school.

His iconic speech at the entrance ceremony unintentionally (and to his annoyance) left a vivid impression not only on the students but on the teachers as well.

Tons of people were interested in him.

However, Yakumo didn't care whatsoever.

From experience, Yakumo knew it was impossible for him to get along with “normal people” and that he'll just end up getting hurt in the end, so he brushed it all off.

His unapproachable air made the boys call him a "weirdo," and the girls whispered that he's "mysterious."

Rumors about him seeing ghosts were ofc there as well.

A particularly disgusting one about him “killing a teacher”.

Like how tf did it escalate to this? I DON'T KNOW.

(To the person who spread these rumors: Please seek help. You need it.)

No one really believed any of that shit because it's simply ridiculous af, but some people (who didn't believe it either) did try to use it as an excuse to harass him (*cough cough* Kawamoto *cough cough*)

Surprisingly, there was one person Yakumo was ACTUALLY interested in.

That is—Aoyama Takumi.

Yakumo wasn't like others, therefore he was rejected by them.

In other words, someone with similar past and experience wouldn't reject him would he?

Takumi wasn't aware of it, but Yakumo actually knew Takumi way before the entrance ceremony.

Yakumo happened to visit an art museum where Takumi's award-winning painting was on display.

Seeing the unique use of colors in that painting, he was convinced that the world Takumi sees is different from others.

And that's when he doubted that Takumi might have synesthesia.

When they ended up in the same class, Yakumo started observing Takumi and confirmed the fact that he has synesthesia AND sound-color synesthesia on top of that.

His reasoning being: “When Takumi talks to people, the area around his eyelids and tear ducts moves a lot. It's similar to the muscle reflex that happens when exposed to strong light. Even though there's no light source nearby, that reaction occurs.”

(Boy, are you sure you're a high schooler?)

Anyways during the interrogation when Takumi was pretending to be the culprit to protect Maki (since he thought she was the murderer), Yakumo was trying to get Takumi to admit that he did see a girl in a school uniform standing on the balcony of the art room which Takumi firmly denied.

However, Yakumo's insistence made Takumi blurt out that it was probably just a ghost.

And that's when Yakumo decided to reveal the fact that he sees ghosts. To prove it, he took his contact lens off and showed his red eye to Takumi.

However—Takumi's reaction wasn't one that he expected—

Here are some excerpts from that scene:

If I accepted it here, all my efforts would be in vain. More importantly, I wouldn't be able to save her.

'So what if it's red? That doesn't mean you can see ghosts. Besides, seeing ghosts is ridiculous.' 'I misjudged you...'

Yakumo's red voice pierced the deepest part of my heart like a sharp thorn.

—What does he mean by misjudged?

From the way he said it, it seemed Yakumo had some expectations of me. Even though we had hardly spoken before the incident.

'What do you mean?'

'I've known for a long time that you have sound-color synesthesia.'

It was truly a beautiful painting. I had never seen such a beautiful painting before.'

Yakumo had a look of ecstasy on his face.

It was clear from his tone that it was not flattery or anything like that.

'Even though he saw a different world from others, there was no pessimism or despair in it. He accepted the world he saw and sublimated it into art. For me, who also sees a different world like Takumi, it was a culture shock.'

'A different world?'

'When I saw Takumi's painting, I felt ashamed of myself. I envied that he could turn being different from others into his strength.'

'…….'

“Yet now, Takumi is denying the world that only I can see, saying it doesn't exist.”

'…….'

“I thought Takumi, who had seen a different world from others, would understand. But it seems I was wrong.”

'I...' My strength was draining away. Yakumo was right. I had been denied because of the world that only I could see and had suffered a lot for being different from others. Even though I should have known the pain and sorrow of not being accepted, I was treating Yakumo the same way I had been treated.

Even though he did it to save Maki, Takumi regretted it so much, but even at that point he still couldn't take it back; all his efforts to convince the police that he was the culprit would be in vain after all (this conversation literally took place after Takumi managed to trick the police during his interrogation. The reason Yakumo was even able to be there was because he used his "connections").

Later on they ended up solving the case and Takumi moved to Kyoto.

The part that hurts most is the fact that Takumi saw Yakumo's voice as red. At first, Takumi didn't know what the red color really meant, but he soon came to the realization that the color red is the color of the voice of someone who wishes for death.

The only reason Yakumo hadn't done it at that point is due to the fact that he can see the spirits of the dead. He knows that there's no point in doing so.

Having been rejected by "normal people" and "those who were like him", I personally feel like this was the point when Yakumo completely gave up on trying to “belong” to a group.

I thought he became like that after that one time his mother tried to kill him, but Blue curse changed my perspective a bit.

It made more sense to me tbh. Why? Haruka explained it amazingly in volume 10:

“All of it has led you to keep your distance from others and conceal your own weakness, no? If you’re by yourself, you won’t get hurt and won’t get others hurt. That’s what you think, right?” “…….” “But you’re actually scared of being lonely, so you can’t completely sever your ties with other people. If it’s to avoid hurting anyone, you could’ve just lived in solitude, but you can’t do it.”

That's exactly it. He can't do it and couldn't do it.

It's especially true when it comes to Haruka. He admitted in Volume 8 that all this time, he was trying not to get attached to Haruka (which he successfully failed at).

If that man could handle living in solitude, he wouldn't have allowed Haruka to come to his room whenever she liked, wouldn't have told her to call him by his first name, etc.

He admitted, also in Volume 8, that he wanted her to know him and him to know her, But instead of doing that, he spent two years trying not to get attached to her while still enjoying her presence by his side.

His idea of trying "not to get attached to her" is honestly hilarious.

If all that was you trying not to get attached to her, what would spending your time carefree with her be like?

But yeah, reading the prequels made me realize that Haruka was TRULY the first person to acknowledge him.

His reaction when she called his eye "beautiful" is PRICELESS.

That's why the anime sucked hard. Like did y'all really want to ruin that scene that much? Where did the part where Yakumo laughed until he was clutching his stomach go? Is he not human too?

Bee train studio the disappointment you are smh

Ok, I'm getting off topic.

Now in case this isn't obvious: I'm by no means blaming Takumi (that guy is amazing), neither did Yakumo.

In fact during their last farewell, when Takumi thought Yakumo would blame him, Yakumo actually thanked him.

'There's one thing I forgot to mention.'

Yakumo, without much of a greeting, began speaking in a stern voice. 'Forgot to mention?' The confusion in the case was my fault. Because of that, Yakumo must have been dragged into it and had a hard time. If things had gone wrong, someone could have died. I thought he would blame me for that. But the words that came out of his mouth were unexpected. 'Takumi's parents have been watching over you.' 'Watching over... ' 'They are standing behind you even now. Don't hold back. Live freely—that's their message.' Yakumo said this while pointing behind me. I turned around, but I couldn't see anything. However, Yakumo's left eye must have seen my parents. 'Did you come all the way just to tell me that?' When I asked, Yakumo's expression twisted slightly. It looked both angry and amused. 'Thank you—' I bowed deeply. 'I should be the one thanking you.'

'Why?' Without answering my question, Yakumo slowly walked away down the hallway. Maybe I should have chased after him. But I couldn't move from that spot. Yakumo doesn't like getting too close to people. No matter what happens, no matter what I say, he will continue on his own path. I just watch him go.

Honestly, it was all a misunderstanding that no one could be blamed for.

If the circumstances were different, things wouldn't have ended up that way.

Despite everything, Yakumo and Takumi did in fact consider each other as friends.

They were just really awkward.

Takumi is just as reserved as Yakumo is.

He wasn't one to actively try to get to know others either.

And I don't blame him for being oblivious to the fact that Yakumo wanted to be his friend.

Yakumo is too twisted for his own good.

Instead of straight up trying to get to know Takumi, he ended up observing him until he had a chance to talk to him when that incident occurred.

And even when they did talk, Takumi thought his existence annoyed him lol.

It was no wonder that Takumi wasn't aware how happy Yakumo was when he stood up for him when Kawamoto tried harassing him and calling him a thief.

High school boys are idiots is all I'll say.

Loved their friendship tho.

-

8 years later, Yakumo and Takumi meet again in Tokyo, However, Yakumo's voice was no longer red. It was as soft and white as his monk uncle's voice—

[shouldhavebeenpersephone]

In GTN chapter 36, Cytherea says “None of you have learned how to die gracefully. I learned over 10,000 years ago"

Do you know/have a theory as to how Cyth could have learned anything pre-resurrection? She was not one of the original lyctors present for the resurrection and it was only 10,000 years ago. It could be hyperbole but I am suspicious of the “over 10,000 years”.

Thank you so much for the ask! I wanted to take my time with it, I hope you didn't mind the wait.

I actually had been chewing on this with my most recent GtN reread. Bear with me as I cut and paste all the pieces that form my thoughts on this - hopefully it's somewhat coherent to read.

Could "over 10000 years" be a hyperbole? Maybe. A lot of characters tell the 'truth' as far as they believe it to be so even if it's factually incorrect. I don't think, however, that Tamsyn would make Cytherea say it in this specific way if it was a hyperbole. In GtN chapter 35 where Palamedes confronts Cytherea we get the following lines, which are what feed my intuition about this:

"Don't lie to me, please."

Dulcinea said, "I have never lied to any of you."

Cytherea has no reason to lie, especially not after being confronted by Palamedes. She tells him herself - she has been giving pieces of the truth and using those to manipulate the narrative. Because of this and because it's much more fun if it isn't a hyperbole I see no point to dismiss it as an emotional inaccuracy.

So let's say she is over 10,000 years old. How does that work?

First thing I went looking for while trying to figure this out was the question of Cytherea's birth. On the fandom wiki, it states that Cytherea was born into the established Seventh. I have been combing through the books, and I cannot find anything in canon that truly confirms this. What we do know of the timeline and her age is the following from HtN chapter 9:

"When they first brought her to Canaan House, I thought there'd been some mistake. - She was just shy of thirty then, I recall. -

-Was she the first gen, or second?"

"Second," said God. "Early second. We were still experimenting with getting the Sixth installation up and running. Some of the Houses were empty."

Mercymorn spoke up: "No. We had it running by then. Because Valancy was with us, and Anastasia."

-"Yes, you're right. We were all there to meet her. All sixteen of us -

'Some of the houses were empty' is the important line here, because in NtN John 5:4 Harrow describes how the resurrection happened:

-You resurrected some of them. You wake up fewer still. You start out with a few thousand, then, later, some hundred thousand, then millions, but never more than millions. You teach them how to live all over again. You teach yourself. -

The houses are named in order of resurrection. The Seventh, then, comes after the Sixth, which should make it obvious that by the time Cytherea arrived the Sixth was already established - or the Seventh wouldn't have existed. Yet, for some reason, for John this is not as obvious. I have found what could be an explanation in HtN chapter 2:

He said, "No. I haven't truly resurrected anyone in ten thousand years. But at that time... I set many aside, for safety... and I've often felt bad about just keeping them as insurance. They've been asleep all this myriad, Harrow, -

The difference wouldn't be as obvious to John, because he didn't resurrect the houses one by one. He resurrected a chunk of the earth's population, kept them dormant, and piece by piece woke them up to populate the houses. Beyond the fact that Cytherea is never said to have been born on the Seventh in canon (again, to my knowledge - please correct me if I missed it), the following from HtN chapter 2 really seals the deal in my eyes that she was not born on the Seventh but rather woken up for the Seventh.

The emperor said gently, "She needs to go home, Harrow."

"That was never her home," he said.

You did not look. "And will the Seventh House accept her?"

I also considered John might feel Cytherea belongs at home with the other Lyctors and therefore denies that the Seventh is her home, but then remembered the following from the same chapter:

He said, "No Lyctor has ever returned home, once we understood the reprecussions... no Lyctor except one, who knew I would come to intercept her for that very reason."

He is talking about how Harrow cannot go home to the Ninth, and referring to Cytherea going home by returning to Canaan house located on earth. John also talks about the kind of people he resurrected in NtN John 5:4:

-We'll get them all back... some of them, anyway... or at least, the ones I want to bring back. Anyone I feel didn't do it. Anyone I feel had no part in it. Anyone I can look at the face of and forgive. -

Part of the same chapter I included above in combination with this one make me itchy almost. Harrow says 'You teach them how to live all over again.' That almost feels like it should be people who recently learned how to live. Like John only resurrected kids.

Think about it. He resurrects his loved ones and ones he can forgive. People who did not take part in the destruction of earth in his eyes. Who other than children could he really be talking about? Children, babies, who have no power to decide or influence to exert, who - even if they did have the power - do not have the capacity to understand the consequences of their actions. Whose memories will be easiest to erase because there is so little to begin with.

It then also makes sense why there were two generations of Lyctors. The population he woke up had to grow up into adults first. Why else would he have half a band of Lyctors trying to settle all of the Houses? If he was able to pick adults worthy of resurrection, he would have been able to pick adults capable of establishing his houses and becoming his hands and gestures.

One final point that drives this home is the following from the very beginning of GtN in chapter 7 when Teacher tells the Ninth about Dulcinea's condition:

"Dulcinea Septimus was not meant to live to twenty-five,"-

Dulcinea's hereditary disease is the same as Cytherea's. John did not know she was sick when she first was brought to Canaan house, which means that when he resurrected her, she must have been young enough to not be actively dying yet. Perhaps a toddler or a child who had been sick for some time - long enough to know what it feels like to slowly be dying.

So, all in all, my answer is that Cytherea was not born on the Seventh. I am not sure where the idea that the second generation was born on their planets of origin came from, but I honestly doubt any of them were born instead of woken. Cytherea claiming to have learned something 10,000 years ago would be a great way for Tamsyn to give us just enough to figure it out - this is, after all, the same author who gave us the big reveal of the second book in the first sentence of the first book of her series.

[rebouks]

Okay, so I'm being completely self-indulgent here but I went on a little foray and dug up a load of old posts n' such to go thru Wyatt's journey n' pick out some important moments/juicy tidbits so uh.. here it is if you're interested 😆

Major Somnium spoilers if you haven't read it yet tho so be warned...

The first hint of genuine emotion/doubt we see cross Wyatt's face, and it's about his father.. hmmmmm, also to be noted is that even if he did up sticks n' go to work with Ash, he wouldn't have been free of anything, least of all his father's judgement!

The infamous Silas scene, yikes.. two things here, anytime he mentions it, it's not Wyatt's reach, always Arturo's! Like Oscar said recently, he doesn't have any connections now that he's gone (and Ashton, so.. oops) Second of all, Bruno DID understand.. which is interesting. Wyatt's family may not have been any relation to Bruno by blood, but they were still his found family for a long time and he n' Wyatt didn't much care for each other either, but they knew one another pretty well (what they showed each other anyway aha..) So yeah, he didn't LIKE it, but he UNDERSTOOD.. much to Ivan's dismay 🙈

Wyatt pretty much admits here that he's pretending his way through life.. which is SUPER fun to look back on, 'cause we all took him at face value here, but who's to say it wasn't just another act? 🤷‍♂��� He learnt to look at the world through calculated logic at a very young age.. and he's kinda right, if you observe everything & everyone else from a neutral standpoint, it's pretty interesting what you can see that you might've missed if you were too angry, sad etc.. to notice...

Did anyone believe Wyatt when he said he would leave Joslyn's kids out of it? 'Cause he was telling the truth.. maybe she should'a called his bluff. An easy bargaining chip, never to be played.

After learning of Oscar's plan, Wyatt decides to help him.. why? I don't think he's sure at this point, he just knew he'd had enough of his father's disrespect and wanted to fuck him over.

This is suuuper interesting, mostly because of Bruno's "no".. he's a bit of a hypocrite ngl, cos he knew more than Wyatt, and for longer, that what he, Artie n' co. were up to was wrong, yet he stuck with them, protected them and continued to work for them anyway. The difference between them tho, is that Arturo respected and trusted Bruno enough that he would've let him leave if he wanted to, but he didn't.. and Wyatt never had that luxury ⚆_⚆

In this scene we (I think?) first got a glimpse into Wyatt's brain, and I particularly like this part...

Although he wanted to prove to Arturo that he had been right, he knew he couldn’t risk it. Doing so would only reveal his own betrayal. It should have been satisfying, but Wyatt could already feel himself shrinking under his father’s cold, piercing gaze as he realised his own son had deceived him so immeasurably. He didn’t need to know; his demise would be satisfying enough, it had to be.

Simply because as it turned out, it wasn't satisfying at all.. and Arturo was already well aware of his own son's involvement at this point, double yikes.

So everything's gone to shit but Wyatt/Darien are still sitting pretty with Ashton.. but why is it sad boi hours? Why doesn't it feel right? Hmmmmm.. I like this scene because Wyatt's pretty much lost his whole family and yet.. is he sad? He doesn't think so, not really. It's kinda the start of him "waking up" so to speak, with no one left to live "for" and no one to impress, please or serve he's lost at sea! It's fun, because honestly at this point he could have slotted neatly into life in Del Sol. He could've worked with Ash, business as usual, new connections and protections, lotsa women, lotsa money and power..... and yet.. it doesn't feel right? 🤔 HMMMMMMMMMMM

Thanks to Brynn's help, Wyatt finally comes face to face with the reality of his actions. It's interesting for so many reasons.. first of all, he'd always kept the details at bay, 'cause that's what he was used to, what was easier, what he was taught to do.. business isn't personal, right Pookie? 🙈 and Ashton hadn't exactly told the whole truth either, making out like the girls would work for him (which ig they would in a way, at least some of em.. but it's definitely worse than Wyatt assumed, which I think can show how naive he could still be sometimes) but with no daddy around to answer to/impress, and no one left to pretend to, Wyatt suddenly NEEDED to know and there was no one left to persuade him otherwise.

Love this scene.. Wyatt's still a little demented isn't he, taking sadistic pleasure in fucking someone over, but at least this time he's on the right fkin side. Look at that smirk.. ohhh Ashton you are fucked, but please enjoy your sauna whilst you can 😁

So it's been a few years at this point and Wyatt's had a hell of a lot of time to think, and a lot of distance from his old life. He doesn't really know who he is at the moment, but he's kinda learning to just BE instead of pretending all the time.. kinda scary, tho a little less so when you've adopted a cute old neighbour who invades your space with his genuine care and good advice. Something Wyatt's definitely not used to, but he doesn't completely hate it.

Not only does bumping into Brynn again make Wyatt realise how grateful he was for her help, but it also kinda forces him to stop ignoring his past. Her visit and their brief time spent together really made him start looking back at his old life n' tryna figure out how it fit into his new one. He still has no idea who he is or who he should be and it's particularly disconcerting to him how comfortable Brynn is around him, given what she knows...

He'd just about managed to keep it at bay until this point, but it's time for an existential crisis 🤸‍♀️

Ahhh baba Ichi is so kind 😭 would he still be so keen to help Wyatt if he knew about his past? Who knows.. but he sees someone struggling and he wants to help! I think it's interesting that Wyatt trusts him/likes him enough at this point to actually admit his doubts/feelings, which is more than he'd ever done before. He might not see it yet, but it's still progress.

Brynn's back, and she's about to fuck Wyatt's shit up (in the best way).. I love how he's been so wrapped up in his own misadventures that he hadn't even stopped to think about hers. If we're gonna look at things in black and white (which we don't do here but just bear with) they're both "bad" people who've done terrible things and made terrible decisions; driven by necessity, both perceived and literal. They've taken lives without regret, stolen from people who didn't deserve it, fucked people over for their own survival or for revenge ETC ETC.. and yet, Brynn knows she's not black and white, she knows she's still capable of being a good person and she can see it in him too, even if he's like ??? about it himself.

Wyatt not only admits his feelings to himself, but to Brynn too.. and goes against what HE wants n' agrees to her wishes instead, putting someone else first for like.. the first time EVER 😳

Though he was glad to know the truth, Wyatt was less than thrilled with Brynn’s plan; but she craved true freedom, and after everything she’d endured – in part due to his own transgressions – he figured he owed her as much.

What sorcery is this?!

Wyatt's not great with empathy or at putting himself in others shoes, but I loved this scene with him n' Oscar because now he's actually been forced into Oscar's well worn vans and he had no choice but to confront his previous decisions head on.. he did NOT like his own medicine and I think it's the first time he properly felt regret/guilt.. super important discovery.

Ahh the crux of the issue, daddy issues.. 😅 I'm not saying Wyatt didn't have free will or the chance to idk NOT partake in the family "bidness" but idk, he was indoctrinated into that life since birth. The fact that he eventually made it this far and didn't go totally insane in the process is still kinda impressive.

We don't have to forgive him, Brynn hasn't, and won't.. but people are grey and there's hope things will be different in the future. I love how much these two have been through in life, yet still managed to SOMEHOW end up with a second chance/a way to be & do better. Idk I think it's awesome (disagree with me if u want idc ahahakjsdksj) and I especially love that they literally know almost every nasty detail about each other but still perceive the other as "good" despite those details.. ough

With a dead dad (yay), plenty of distance, a lot of time and some forced introspection not only from himself but Brynn, Oscar, etc.. and ELLIS, Wyatt finally broke in the best way possible. It'll take time and it'll still be shit at times but now that everything's outta the bottle maybe he can piece everything together again. I especially love this part..

The moment Ellis had made his way into the world, something deep inside Wyatt’s soul had shattered, breaking into a million tiny pieces that pricked his heart with every shred of hurt, regret, and stifled guilt he’d ever buried within its previously impenetrable depths. Try as he might, the tears refused to cease.

I think it was easy to believe that Wyatt was a psychopath (that was the point) but we only believed it with such conviction because HE did too. I think he's relieved to finally learn that that's NOT the case, even if it's scary af tryna figure out who he is from scratch.. but hey, he has a pretty good reason too now. Being the dad he wished he had... ;-;

Anyway.. thanks for coming to my pointless, long ass, self-indulgent TED talk, if you read all this please take a cookie on the way out and know that ily muchly 🖤🍪

[hotheadrednecksimmer]

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly - Struck by Love Legacy Challenge - Episode 11

Naomi talked her mom into letting her take Kaito to the park alone. She hated lying to her mom about where they were going but she had to know the truth about their dad. The only way to do that was to take herself and Kaito several towns over to Copperdale to the old house that had raised her. The only home she ever knew, now felt like a stranger to her. It was the same house, yet somehow felt different this time. She was nervous about talking to her dad, finding out what's real and what's not. She took a deep breath as she came upon the front door, and she knocked.

She didn't have to wait long until Grace answered the door and greeted them both. She invited them in, offered food if they were hungry.

Grace: Kaito do you want to play your dad's video games? I'm sure he wouldn't mind!

Kaito: My mom doesn't let me play games except on the weekend. It's Monday!

Grace: Well those are your mom's rules. I'm your step-mom and I say there are no rules at my house!

Kaito: So I can play them?

Grace: Yeah of course! I'm not mean like your mom!

Naomi grabs a snack in the kitchen and overhears their conversation. She didn't want to go against what Grace said to Kaito, mainly because she was an adult, but it felt wrong. Naomi sat in the kitchen looking around the home that had been hers until they moved into the small apartment. Naomi noticed the spot on the floor that was scuffed when Naomi was gifted a tricycle as a young girl and tried riding it inside. Dad was upset but he said that he would fix it, no worries, as long as his girl was happy. That memory felt so distant to her now, she felt like that was a different lifetime from now, from reality.

Akira walked down the stairs to see Naomi at the kitchen table and Kaito on the couch.

Akira: I just put Phoebe to sleep, I'm not doing that again. She's the worst to get to sleep Grace. Oh, Naomi, Kaito, you're here. How? Why?

Naomi: Well, mom said you were always to busy to come to the city so we came to you this time.

Akira pulls out his phone: Yeah let me just call your mom real quick.

Naomi panicking as the guilt rising in her throat was burning: Wait no, uh, she's at a spa with Star and they don't have their phones until later. So, it would just be a waste to call her.

Akira slowly eyeing Naomi: Is that right?

Naomi: Yup, they won't be able to answer their phones until later, but I texted mom when we got here to let her know that we were safe. So you don't have to, you know, reach out right now.

Akira looks at Kaito on the couch and back at Naomi: Let's talk outside Naomi.

Naomi takes a deep breath before following her dad outside: Okay.

Akira: I know you're lying.

Naomi looks around and avoids his eye contact: I'm not lying. I just don't want you to disturb her.

Akira rolls his eyes: You're bad at lying, like your mom. She couldn't lie to save her life. Why are you lying and why are you here?

Naomi: Truthfully, I had questions. I wasn't sure if mom would be truthful to me. At my birthday party, Grace told me things about you and her. I just don't know what's real and what's not.

Akira sighs and takes out a cigarette to smoke: Okay, what are your questions?

Naomi takes a deep breath: Are you with Grace? Like in a relationship?

Akira taps his cigarette of its ashes: Yeah, been with her as long as I was with your mom.

Naomi shocked: Like you cheated on mom with Grace?

Akira sighs: Yeah, I'd be nice and say that it was a mistake and that I never should've done it, but I'm not sorry and I don't regret it.

Naomi blinks the tears in her eyes away, daring them not to spill down her face: Oh, okay. Have you been trying to see us and Mom kept us away?

Akira takes another puff of his cigarette: No, who told you that?

Naomi could feel her insides shaking, unsure of what she was feeling: Grace. She said all these things to me at my party.

Akira: Well, she shouldn't have put her nose in our business like that. Wasn't her place.

Naomi: So, you don't want to see us?

Akira: If I wanted to see you, I would. But, truthfully, I don't want to see you or your brother. You are her kids, not mine.

Naomi more tears dared to leave her eyes but she willed them away: Okay, I'll get Kaito and we'll leave.

Akira flicks his cigarette into the bushes before speaking to her: One more thing, kid. Love's not real. I never loved your mother and I don't love you or Kaito.

Akira walked into his house and soon Kaito came out. Naomi could still feel the urge to cry but she decided that she would hold back until she was alone. She couldn't protect herself from this heartbreak, but she could protect her younger brother. He would never know that their father never cared for them or their mother. He would never know that their father broke their parent's vows or that he created another family, yet didn't want them. Akira was never going to break her brother's heart, or stomp it into ashes which is what she felt her heart was. A pile of ashes in her heart.

Kaito: Why are we leaving? It was so good to see dad and meet Ms. Grace. She asked me to call her mommy, but I wouldn't.

Naomi: Listen, Dad said that we had to stay in the city and we couldn't come back for our safety. There's a wild bear out there that could seriously danger us!

Kaito's mouth wide open in wonder: There's a bear out here?!

Naomi: Yeah! And to keep us safe he said that we had to stay at the apartment in the city!

Kaito: Dad's great for keeping us safe.

Naomi holding back tears: Yeah, he sure is.

Once Kaito and Naomi arrived back at the apartment. Naomi ran to her mom and hugged her.

Naomi: Thanks for being such a good mom.

Maeve: Of course honey, nothing makes me happier than being your and Kaito's mom. I mean it.

Naomi: I'm going to bed mom, I love you.

Maeve: Goodnight honey, I love you more.

Naomi goes to her room and lays on top of her sheets, finally releasing the tears that she held for so long. She has to remain strong for her brother and her mother. Akira was right about one thing, Love isn't real unless it's from your mother. She was never going to trust relationships or anyone that wasn't her brother or her mother, and maybe Star.

╭┈◦•◦❥•◦ First | Previous | Next

[dearest-painter]

So I'm making White Diamond! Reader being shatter kinda like Rose Quartz.

So, White Diamond! Reader wasn't really shattered, and her pearl was a part of it all, so when they managed to get their pearl to reform, they wouldn't say a thing under their diamonds' last order.

When their pearl couldn't keep it a secret anymore, they had to show Yandere! Noir and Miguel, what really happened the day, White Diamond! Reader was "shattered"

( It would kinda be like when steven was taken, though Pearl's memories )

( Could this be a oneshot? The story I had written above could be an idea of it )

TW/CW:Yandere behavior, unhealthy behavior, unhealthy relationship, abusive behavior, abusive relationship, I can’t get over the gif it’s just so funny to see, Reader was thought to be dead but they alive!, reader pulled a rose quartz, White Diamond being BLINDING AS FUCK in the gif, tell me if I gotta add more

Summary:It was the only way to have freedom..to fake your death. You wish you told your lovers yet you didn’t have time to do it as it happened so quickly. Pearl promised not to tell a soul but she is forced to tell the truth despite trying not to.

Miguel and Noir looked at Pearl who was now unpoofed who looked a bit sadden but concerned, Noir just rested his head back in his arms still not over your death. “What is it pearl?” “Y/N…Y/N isn’t dead..” Miguel looked away from the work he’d been drowning himself in and Noir immediately snapped his head towards Pearl. No one spoke for a while as the two grieving boyfriends were surprised while Pearl waited. “You…..you aren’t pulling a sick joke are you?” Pearl shook her head and brought up a recording.

It showed you. “Is it working Pearl?” “Yes My Diamond, it is working” “Oh good! Well uh I guess I should say what I’m recording this. I am going to change forms or try to just do I don’t deal with the Diamond order and live a peaceful-ish life. To whoever sees this, this is all going to be new to me and it’s a 50/50 chance I don’t make it or I do. Noir and Miguel, if you see this…I love you. I love you both so much, I would’ve told you sooner but I kept feeling suffocated that I needed it to be done soon. I’m sorry for all the worry and grief that I’ll make you have to do, I know I should’ve told you just so you felt some peace but I didn’t and I understand if you do not forgive me. I love you Miguel. I love you Noir”

In the video Pearl was smiling softly as you backed away and nodded then went into your diamond form..beautiful ad ever in each way. “Are you sure my diamond? No backing out now” “of course Pearl…let’s do it” pearl sighed in the video then it happened all to quickly for them to understand but to only see..YOU in a different form. You and Pearl started laughing and hugging. “WE DID IT! HAHAHA!” Your laugh..it was so angelic.

Then it ended. Miguel didn’t realize he was crying until Noir hugged him. Pearl just wanted them to know it wasn’t their fault as you never did die.

[griffin-girl-r]

Coming home (Part 2)

Created: 19.04.2022

Finished: 27.04.2022

Edited: 18.09.2023

Age: 16

Word count: 1,205

Warnings: Death, Fainting, Child loss, Corpse, Grief

Request: No

Part 1 , Part 3

—

'I love you, Mama.' Was the last thing Natasha heard from her baby and then, nothing. Just pure silence. One that made her whole being hurt.

She fell to her knees and the world turned black for her.

—

She woke up by someone calling her name.

Steve was lightly shaking her in an attempt to bring her back to consciousness.

Saying he was concerned was an understatement. Natasha's reaction scared Steve and the worst was about to come.

For a second Natasha looked at him with hope. Hope that everything was a nightmare and that you were actually okay and home.

But that little hope died soon when she saw the pained look on his face.

"No..." The woman shook her head

"Nat, I'm sorry-"

"No!" She cut him off "That's not true. Not my baby, not my baby. She's alive. She has to be!"

Steve has never seen his friend in such a state. She was supposed to be the emotionless assassin who never showed her feelings.

But he knows that all of that changed when you came into her life. On the day you were born, it was the first time everyone had seen Natasha truly smile.

She started to show love and affection.

All because of you. For you.

And now she had the worst breakdown because of you. You were her only child. The only one she could ever have. And that made everything much worse.

"We tracked her phone and sent the team to the location." Steve thought for a second how to say this but there was no easy way "They only found grumble."

"I don't believe you." Natasha protested, still in a denial state "Take me there. I want to see it with my own eyes."

"I don-"

"Take me to her." She pleaded, tears pouring out of her eyes "Please..."

The Captain sighed and nodded his head, helping his teammate stand up.

Steve supported her weight while they walked to the QuinJet.

—

All the way to the location, Natasha had bounced her leg anxiously and refused to believe the reality. She refused to believe you were dead.

But honestly, what mother would easily accept that her child is gone?

What mother could accept that her reason to be alive, isn't alive anymore? That her reason is dead...

—

As soon as they landed, Natasha rushed to what had been a building and started to look around for you.

"Romanoff..." Tony called her softly, but she just ignored him as she kept searching for a glimpse of her child

The team was crushed down. You were like a kid to all of them and your mom was like their sister. You were the pride and joy of your mother and the sunshine of your uncles.

The men were just sitting speechless to one side, with tears in their eyes that were about to fall.

"Natasha..." Different people called her, but she ignored them all, too focused on finding you

"Natalia!" Clint shouted, pulling her back by her shoulders, making her look into his eyes "She's gone! Do you hear me?! She's truly gone! She left us! We found her body already."

And with that, he took out of his pocket your necklace, which was a match to your mother's.

He had gifted both of you one, as he had one too. A reminder that you two were his family.

Natasha looked at it for a few seconds and then slowly took it from Clint's hand into her own, holding it tight to her chest.

Natasha's thoughts were all over the place.

Clint wouldn't lie to her. He was her best friend. Her brother in all but blood. She knows how much he loves you, so he wouldn't lie about something like this. Wouldn't he?

But yet she couldn't bring herself to believe him. The mother in her couldn't accept the truth.

"I-I want t-to see it." She managed to say, through her violent sobs

"Nat, you don't have to. It's not a good idea." Clint tried to hold her back, while she fought to push past him, his voice calm

"I want to see her!" She cried as Clint pushed her back again

Just then the red-headed woman caught a glimpse of something behind Bruce and Thor, who were trying their best to cover it.

Her heart dropped to her stomach when she realized what it was.

A body bag.

She stopped fighting which confused the men, who soon understood what she had seen.

There was no going back.

They let her go and she slowly walked to the bag and crunched down next to it.

She just stared wide-eyed at the zip.

No one dared to go there and unzip the bag for Natasha. They were just too hurt to do it. How could they crush Natasha's world by doing that?

But it had to be done.

Steve was the only one with enough courage to go and unzip the bag for Natasha. Clint placed his hands on her shoulders, getting ready for her mental breakdown.

Steve only opened enough to reveal the head and neck, of the kid he liked to think of as his own.

Natasha gasped and leaned forward, as close to the body as possible.

It was really you.

You, somehow, had your face untouched by the damage of the explosion, only having a small cut on your lower lip.

Even though you were pale, you looked so peaceful and if Natasha didn't know better, she would swear that you were sleeping. She actually waited for a moment for you to open your eyes and lazily smile at her while greeting her with a happy 'Good morning, Mama'.

But no.

She brought her shaky hand to your forehead and started to caress your face and stroke your hair.

You were ice cold and that broke her even more. She wanted to feel the warmth of her baby, like the first time she felt it when she held you in her arms.

But there was none. No warmth, no breath, no movement. Nothing.

She rested her forehead on yours and whispered into your ear "Hey baby girl. Mama's here. You don't have to be afraid anymore. Please open your beautiful eyes and look at me. Please. You're everything I have. You are the reason why I wake up every morning and smile. You are the only reason that makes me want to live. So please, come back to me. Don't leave me."

When she gained no response, Natasha finally let out her pain and kissed you all over your face, crying, lingering on each kiss. Her tears fell like raindrops on your pale face.

—

Natasha was still sitting on the ground with you in her arms. Your head tightly pressed against her chest.

She was rocking you back and forth, when the boys heard a scream so powerful and painful, that would haunt their dreams forever.

Natasha had been through a lot in her life but nothing hurt her as much as the pain of losing her baby girl did.

Why it had to be her? Why did she had to be the one who lost her baby? Why her daughter?

[deiscension]

so when can we expect this dissection of that lyric for sqx huh 👀🍿

@deathfavor You can get it right this instant if may be allowed to pull an swd and lose my entire gotdamn head. This isn't as detailed or organized as I'd like to get with it because I want to pull very specific lines from the different arcs they're involved in but I'm going to summarize as best as I can!

First off I need to emphasize that I think as "unfair" as what happens to SQX is, I think it needed to happen. I am putting "unfair" in air quotes because I'm also a HX defender and as terrifying and life-altering as Black Water arc is for them, I also do not think SQX would lament how "unfair" any of it was after the proverbial dust has settled (that's a discussion for another time though because I have A Lot Of Thoughts about swd's beheading + the direct aftermath + SQX not wanting to ascend again + immediately seeking to descend and not be sought out again after willingly giving up their powers).

SQX loves SWD, MY/HX, and XL. I refuse to put past tense there too okay she's full of love for better or worse. Usually for worse. I digress. She loves them, but she doesn't know them. She thinks she does. She's had no reason to believe she didn't, and that she was running out of time to know them all. That's why things had to happen the way they did. That's the price of her ignorance. It's not a faultless thing even if it was never meant to be malicious. And my GOD, she's lived her whole life in layers and layers of ignorance, all of it heaped onto her. She can go her whole life loving with all her heart but she has to learn how to actually know others, too. Let me try to break down what I mean through the three specific characters I mentioned. I am going to try to keep this short-ish because I will elaborate more when I've got the braincells and quotes to go for it but!! Here we go.

Also before I get into it, I don't mean to say that she didn't know any of them at all. She knew them all in exactly the ways they wanted to be known, in my opinion; not all of it convenient or surface level either! And she's a fair more insightful about all three of them than one might notice on a first reading. But she's still missed key facets of each one-- if I may be a bit heavy-handed, she's blinded by the sun and stumbling through the shadows, thinking that because she can't see those shadows they're not there. And that's not how people work. So!

Xie Lian -- while it is very indicative of the type of loyal, rational (when necessary), ride-or-die, and kindhearted person SQX is when they defend him against PM and then against the Heavenly Court, it goes to show just how easily blinded they are. Don't get me wrong, it also says a lot about their ability to think for themself (that's another bone I have to pick with popular fanon interpretation of them LOL) and not bend to social convention/pressure. But they're also letting one interaction inform them against centuries of history. Granted, we aren't ever told how much SQX knows about XL before coming across him at Banyue Pass. However, considering the amount of officials that play nice with SQX, I can't imagine they wouldn't have heard all matter of gossip-- truth mixed with tales and the like. And then there's the whole "he had remembered the flower but forgotten about the sword" line: SQX knows XL as a gentle, level-minded, experienced person. They haven't yet contended with his personal history. This trait of theirs is a double-edged sword. I can't imagine they wouldn't have reflected on this after being left in the Heavenly Capital. They would've never meant any harm by not digging into XL's past, but how ashamed they must feel of trying to be a good, reliable friend while remaining ignorant of all his past troubles.

Shi Wudu - that's her brother! She LOVES her brother! He's given her the world, he's kept her safe, he was the only person she had for so long-- the only person who didn't try to take advantage of her pain and ignorance and just wanted what was best for her. He'd never lie to her, he'd never hurt her, he'd never belittle her, he'd never give her reason to fear him. Not in any way that's anything more than a temporary sibling tiff. Except he did. Time and time again, he did. And I'm not saying this to disparage SWD because especially after a second reading of BW arc, I know SWD loved them too, and he is a fascinating character. We need characters like him alright, just as much as we also need SQXs and HXs and XLs and HCs and so forth. There's so much that needs to be taken into account when examining SWD's behavior towards SQX and how frightened SQX is of her own brother even before discovering the truth-- and I'd love to get into it but maybe not here because I'm already rambling soooo much LSDKFJSDF. Back to the point. SWD loved her. But at what point does love become a cage? At what point does it become hands around your throat? SQX has no idea what all was sacrificed for her. She's not allowed to know. Yes there's the iconic "the one he feared most had been beside him all along" about Ming Yi but HAVE WE CONSIDERED HOW MUCH IT APPLIES TO SWD TOO. HAVE WE!!!! Because I am Considering and I am Dry-heaving at how on the nose it is for SWD too. I already talked a little bit about it (here) but in his efforts to secure a place in the heavens for himself and her, SWD became the exact thing SQX hated and feared the most. SWD is a mirror to the Reverend, at least in actions. Gobbling up lives without a second thought, using fear as a means of control, laughing in the face of another's undeserved and unearned misery, "we've lived good lives"-- EVERYTHING SQX fears is her brother. Her brother, who she loves so much but didn't know nearly well enough.

I'm planning on doing a whole Shi sibling meta but I need to read through a few more passages with SWD first because while my brain is not particularly big I also refuse to misinterpret his character on purpose just because I sometimes want to give him a swift kick to the ass. SWD my beloathed-loved. Idk. Bestworst shitass brother. Still meditating upon that one though because they are both unreliable narrators with each other and XL is an unreliable narrator too so I have much to think about.

He Xuan - [gripping your shoulders and looking into your eyes] Help Me God I Am About To Explode. Where Do I Begin. I'm not gonna lie the first time I heard this part:

I was a kid until I fixed it Tore into a love affair Between me and what wasn't there Oh, I was kissing you Just to feel the air

my brain was like 'wow S.arah K.insley that's so SQX reflecting on her time with MY/HX you're so right'. Which is what led me to thinking even more about all SQX's other relationships too. I know fandom has a lot of contention in how to read into their relationship pre-BW arc and post-BW arc. Frankly I am here to cry as hard as I can and as long as I can so based on my second reading of BW arc + the way SQX acts with both MY/HX and comparing it to how she is with everyone else, I think her feelings with MY/HX are deeper than they're often given credit for. SQX is "friends with everyone", sure. But to HER, MY is her first true friend. Her most beloved, most trusted, most treasured friend. And she never really knew him. Oh, we can point the finger at him and say "well, he was pretending to be someone he wasn't, she wouldn't have found anything out either way". To that I say yes-- and I'm sure SQX did try to poke around for more, but she's so carefree and trusting, it seems logical to me that she would've taken his prickliness and closed-off nature as "just how he is".

All we have about her social life before ascending is pure speculation. I know I'm not presenting good evidence for my reasoning at the moment (I really want to cook up a post about the type of sheltered life SQX lived because all that spoiling and opulence came in after being brought into the middle court-- like yes SWD spoiled them by always being the one to take care of the difficult things, but again! Another topic for later! I have much to say about SQX's learned helplessness there). SQX didn't have anyone but her ge. I'm sure she had "lots of friends" in the Middle Court too. But she didn't have a capital-f-Friend. And then-- she has MY! Someone who's not trying to get to her brother through her (LOLLLLLLLL), someone who doesn't disappear during times of storm, someone who doesn't disguise their true nature or intentions for the sake of personal gain (LOL x2). Well I'm laughing there but again- HX defender. I digress, again. SQX isn't latching onto MY out of pure convenience. If SQX wanted to befriend someone who goes along with all her whims, never gives her a hard time, and plays coy for her amusement, she has thousands to choose from. Hell her brother could've picked for her. But she wants MY as her best friend and closest confidant. It would've been so easy for her to dump him on his ass and chase after best friend status with XL if all her clinging to MY was purely informed by self-interest and the desire to feel good about herself all the time. They themself even say that XL has earned "second best friend" status during the beginning of BW arc, all while XL is objectively the only person giving her tangible comfort. She doesn't just want a best friend, she wants her best friend Ming-xiong. My god! He's the first they cry out for at what's arguably their lowest: right after willingly giving up their power, when it turns out their brother is the type of person they've always feared the most, when it's clear they cannot save anyone, they cannot even save themself.

And oh, how she wanted to be the same for him! She risked HC's wrath (or at least she thought she was, which is also so funny in greater context) to "rescue" him. She would've done anything for him. Except she couldn't. She didn't know him. She failed him so terribly, so miserably, so shamefully. Him and everyone else who loved him and actually knew him, the ones who died so she could have a life she hadn't earned. We both know how agonizing those moments in the Nether Water Manor-- but what about the aftermath? What about when it was just them stumbling around, after the fear and shock had worn off, with nothing but their own audacious words echoing around in their head? "This whole thing has nothing to do with Ming-xiong, but he had to suffer like this". THEY DIDN'T KNOW THE HALF OF IT! And they said it with such grief then-- well, what about now? How much worse had they made his suffering? Had he felt nothing but revulsion that whole time? Had she made his loneliness, his suffering, his weariness worse? All those times she told him not to worry, all those times spent fussing over him, (trying to) dote on him, looping her arm through his and pulling him this way and that. Did it mean anything at all? He was her best friend, he was who she wanted at her side, but who was she to him? Was he ever really there?

But SQX is too empathetic to only think about herself when it comes to such pains. Once the wallowing wore off, how often did she spend wondering about him? Knowing that of anyone in the heavens and on earth, he was the one deserving of the good life, he was the one deserving of someone who loved him for who he was. What a fool she was for thinking she was that someone! She couldn't even call the right name. She did indeed cause the death of her closest family. She did indeed cause the death of her best friend. And what can she do? What can she say? Sorry doesn't bring anyone back; sorry doesn't make everything better; sorry doesn't make up for being unworthy of the time she squandered at his side, all because she didn't know. Ignore, for a moment, the fear and trauma now casting impenetrable shadows over the image of "her best friend", and consider: by any grace yet again unearned, could she ever accept an offering of forgiveness for such grievances?

I know SQX is doing "fine" as a mortal, she has friends that don't just want something out of them, and I know she's taking better care to practice knowing along with loving. But it just kills me how all her life she has had "everything" but nothing at the same time. None of it was hers. She did nothing to earn it, no matter how much she as a person deserved it. What's deserved without earned, after all?

[bonesandthebees]

woagh. ch 12 is wild, bee. thanks.

aight first i'm curious about what this means for phil and wilbur's relationship - he's honest with his father about this when if phil were in his place he probably would have kept it a secret. but then there's phil's trust in techno about all of this yet he's telling wil to not trust tommy for the same reason (well, one of the reasons) he's trusting techno. while yes tommy is like 13 it's still the same reason of a sorts beneath. very interesting

oh now i wanna know the backstory with phil and techno, how they ended up so close, because if it's anything like wil and tommy here then it must have been wild

ooooo the allusion to the fic summary -> who's loyalty, who's love, and who's power? and what does that mean for wilbur's choice here, even if it were subconscious in the moment

ough. befriending tommy because he was with you but also because he was malleable. manipulation central. wil's gonna feel all guilty about this, tommy is 13 and pressured all the way through. reminds me a bit of how stars!crimeboys were, with the threat of their lives on the balance. wonder if something will break them apart here, like with stars? that would be some juicy conflict. then i am reminded of the MCD. well. hmm.

OH! the moment with puffy!!! my girl knows whats up but wil's putting that training into use. ah the parallels between him and his father here, beautiful work.

' It hasn’t done much good considering how Tomys was nearly killed while he was under your care.' BURNNNNN

oh quackity isn't taking this well. what did he and schlatt have then? the last encounter seemed a bit tense, but now he's in pain at his death. the fact that he's being accused may also have an effect, too. poor guy. this whole thing with the two of them seems very juxtopsition-y, his least favourite wine, may have been crying or yelling, man this relationship - i want to put it under a microscope and peel it apart like a bug. this is really weighing on him : (.

oh actually both him and niki aren't having a good time. damn this chapter is wild. she's just not too obvious about it - aside from the breaking down in tears and her and wilbur's relationship falling to pieces. man, losing your best friend like that is just rough.

and now, to escape the angst, we get phil!!!! :D. 'What mattered instead was the truth this powerful individual decided it was.' whoa. banger line.

oh now i understand why everyone's theorising about this letter. its obv very important - schlatt's death might just hang over everyone's heads with the words of a dead man still doing this even though he's dead. got no clue about what this letter might be though, i'm too tired for that lol. - :D

hello :D anon it's always lovely to see you again!

while I get your point there's a very huge difference between phil trusting techno and wilbur trusting tommy besides just the fact that tommy's 13. phil has known techno for longer than wilbur has been alive. wilbur has known tommy for *checks calendar* like 3 months? maybe 4? truth be told, wilbur barely knows tommy.

I wouldn't say techno and phil's situation was similar to wilbur and tommy's really. the two didn't meet till they were both adults and there was no traumatic even that bound them to each other lol. maybe one day I'll work out exactly how they became friends because I have a few separate ideas floating around but we'll have to see

while there's definitely some similarities between rose!crimeboys and stars!crimeboys I think they're still pretty different overall. like stars!wilbur was never trying to intentionally manipulate starts!tommy, especially not to the degree rose!wilbur is doing it.

ah the MCD threat floating over everything... :)

so glad you enjoyed the parallels between phil and wilbur during the puffy scene. that was a moment I really wanted to show how like his father wilbur really is.

rose!quackity and schlatt's dynamic was... a lot. it was so many layers of them using each other for power and being genuinely annoyed by one another but also working incredibly well together and having this begrudging respect in certain senses and also there was just a whole kind of situationship vibe to the whole thing. quackity hated schlatt and hated that he needed his support so badly but at the same time the two of them were allies and kind of (?) friends? basically, quackity didn't even know what they were hence why he seems to be having such a conflicted reaction to schlatt's death.

I'm so glad you liked that phil line I was so proud of it

so glad you enjoyed!!!!

[kiss-my-freckle]

Do you think Elena chose Stefan in 3x22 for his sake than her own? I was thinking about her line about hope being all she wanted Stefan to have.

Elena chose Stefan simply because he was the one who stayed home with Tyler and Caroline. I'm basically saying that Damon and Stefan chose for her when they chose who'd stay home. It wasn't her actual choice. It was a Salvatore proverbial coin toss.

They have two comments at the end of 3x21 that I consider extremely important.

Caroline: And you know that sooner or later, you're gonna have to choose, right?

The first one is Caroline's. This one tells you that Elena will be making two choices. One sooner AND one later. Klaus getting staked changed OR to AND. That's why you get Elena making a comment to always AND right now. You'll find a lot of dialogues referring to time because that's where everything sits. Time means everything. They have a Delena soundtrack in season 6 dedicated to this fact... and so much as put Delena in a scene at the clock tower.

Elena: To a Klaus free life. And to all of you. My family.

The second comment is Elena's. Specific to the fact that they're not gonna tell you which brother is considered her family and which brother is considered her boyfriend. That's why neither brother is there for the toast to their Klaus-free life. This comment matters as it pertains to 3x22.

The truth sits in flashbacks and how they play into current story. Not only confirmed once, but confirmed twice with both brothers. If Elena were truly choosing Stefan and ending things with Damon, she wouldn't have said what she did on the phone when she called him. She would've waited until AFTER her drowning to end things with Damon just as she did with Matt prior to the pilot episode.

Elena: I know Bonnie, you're right. You and my mom both are. I just can't bring myself to tell him. At least not tonight. Elena: And I care about you, Damon, which is why I have to let you go.

That's why Elena waited until AFTER her drowning to end things with Stefan just as she did with Matt prior to the pilot episode.

Elena: I know Bonnie, you're right. You and my mom both are. I just can't bring myself to tell him. At least not tonight. Elena: Stefan. Forget it. Um-we-we can talk later.

The night Damon and Elena first met didn't just reveal the fact that she and Damon met first. It revealed the fact that Damon was her first choice.

Elena: Not just to Stefan, Damon. To Tyler, to Caroline.

She put Stefan into the category of friendship, thereby making Stefan her family. 3x22 is the difference between Elena letting Matt go by choice and letting Damon go by force. Delena is often written in a… certain quote. “If you love someone, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were.” That's why Damon needs to stay in town in season 4. He already got the girl, he just doesn't know it yet because she lied to him. Elena fixes her lies and saves face at the same time by altering her timeline. That's why her vampirism continues to be an issue for Damon. It's not until she takes the cure in season 6 that Damon knows when he got the girl. She essentially takes him back to 3x19, to her metaphoric death. "I feel like I wanna kiss you." The writers kept Elena's vampirism and sire bond quite fluid, it's just a matter of paying attention to the writing.

Elena: Not just to Stefan, Damon. To Tyler, to Caroline.

Perfect example is Kai's comment in season 6, about him missing a detail or two from Damon's version of events. Those two details would be Tyler and Caroline lol. Elena un-fell for Stefan prior to 3x22. That's the truth, and every bit why Elena tells Kai that's not how it happened. Because she wasn't in love with Stefan. She simply doesn't know that Damon was a choice, that she was actually choosing between her family and her boyfriend. They put her in parallel with Liv. She chose death over Damon because she chose her family.

[t-wordiiish]

Ticklish sinner

"Andrea," Sister Margaret called out, her voice echoing through the empty hallways of the school, "You're going to be late for confession again."

Andrea's heart skipped a beat. She had been avoiding Father James for weeks, but the guilt was too much. She quickly gathered her books and rushed towards the chapel, her sneakers squeaking against the polished floor.

"Bless me, Father," she murmured, sliding into the confessional. She took a deep breath, feeling the coolness of the wooden booth envelop her.

Father James cleared his throat. "What brings you to the house of the Lord today, my child?"

Andrea paused, fidgeting with the strings of her rosary. "It's… it's been a while since my last confession," she began, her voice shaky. She listed her sins - the usual missteps - but her mind kept wandering to the one she dared not speak of. The one that made her skin crawl just thinking about it.

As she stumbled through her confession, she could almost feel his eyes on her through the mesh screen. It was a feeling she knew all too well, a feeling of both fear and… something else she couldn't quite place.

When she finished, she waited, her heart pounding in her chest. The silence stretched on for what felt like an eternity.

Finally, Father James spoke. "Andrea," he said, his tone firm but not unkind, "Is there something else you wish to confess?"

Her eyes widened. How did he know? She had been so careful to avoid any mention of her secret sin. "No, Father," she lied, her voice barely above a whisper.

The priest sighed heavily. "Very well," he said, "Your penance is to say five Hail Marys and reflect on the consequences of your actions."

As she left the confessional, the weight of her unspoken truth lingered in the air. Little did she know, Father James had a very particular way of dealing with sinners like her.

Days later, after evening mass, Father James called her aside. His eyes gleamed with a knowing look that sent a shiver down her spine. "Andrea," he began, his voice low and measured, "I believe we need to discuss something in more detail."

Her stomach twisted into knots. He knew. He had to know. "What is it, Father?" she asked, feigning innocence.

He led her to the small, dimly lit room at the back of the church, usually reserved for private meetings and counseling sessions. Once inside, he closed the door with a firm click. "Andrea," he said, his voice now gentle yet firm, "You've been hiding something from me, haven't you?"

Her cheeks flushed with embarrassment. She nodded, unable to find the words to explain.

Father James took a step closer, his hands folded in front of him. "Sin is a serious matter," he said, his gaze never leaving hers, "But I believe in redemption. And sometimes, a different form of penance is needed to truly understand the gravity of one's actions."

Without warning, he reached out and brushed his fingers lightly over her ribs. She gasped, her body jolting with the sudden sensation. "You're very ticklish, aren't you?" he said, a hint of a smile playing on his lips.

Andrea nodded, her eyes wide with fear and confusion.

"Good," he said, his smile growing wider, "This will be your penance."

And so it began. Every week, after confession, Father James would take her to the back room, where he would explore her most sensitive spots with a feather-light touch. Her ribs, her inner thighs, her armpits, and sides - he found them all. He would pin her down with surprising strength or tie her to the chair, leaving her at his mercy.

The tickling was torturous, a delicate dance of pleasure and pain that left her breathless and begging for mercy. Yet, she never told anyone. It was a secret shared between the two of them, a twisted form of redemption that only seemed to fuel her desire to sin further.

Andrea's sins grew in number and intensity. Each week, she would confess the same transgressions, hoping that Father James wouldn't notice the pattern. But his eyes were sharp, and he saw right through her.

One fateful day, as she sat in the confessional, her voice grew quieter with each sin she admitted. Father James's patience had reached its end. "You're not taking this seriously, are you?" he said, his voice hardening.

Her heart raced as she tried to explain herself, but her words fell flat. She knew she couldn't hide from the truth anymore. "No, Father," she whispered, her eyes filling with tears, "I'm not."

With a nod, he stood from his chair and opened the door of the confessional. "Come with me," he instructed, his eyes cold. She followed him into the back room, her legs trembling.

He pulled out a chair and gestured for her to sit. She did so, her eyes darting around the room for any sign of escape. Father James leaned over her, his face stern. "Today, your penance will be different," he said. He took a step back and reached for the rope that was coiled on the table behind him.

Andrea's eyes widened as he began to tie her wrists to the chair, pulling them taut above her head. "Father, please," she pleaded, but he didn't listen.

Once she was secured, he stepped back and began to unbutton her shirt. She squirmed, trying to protest, but her words were cut off by a firm hand over her mouth. He chuckled, the sound sending a chill down her spine.

With her shirt open, he revealed her bare armpits. His eyes lit up with a gleeful malice she had never seen before. "You've been a very naughty girl," he whispered, his breath hot against her ear.

He brought his fingers to her armpit and began to tickle her gently. She bit her lip to stifle the laughter, but it was no use. Her body was a symphony of giggles and squirms, and she felt the tears start to flow.

Father James tickled her relentlessly, his fingers dancing over her sensitive skin. "You like this, don't you?" he taunted, his voice mocking. "You enjoy the feel of my hands on you, even though you know it's wrong."

The more she struggled, the more he tickled. The more she begged, the harder he laughed. Her cries grew louder, turning into sobs. "Please, Father," she whimpered, "I'll be good, I promise."

But Father James was not so easily swayed. He continued his cruel ministrations, enjoying every second of her torment. "You'll learn," he said, his voice cold and unforgiving, "You'll learn to control your urges, or you'll find yourself in this chair again."

The room spun as the tickling grew more intense, the lines between pleasure and pain blurring until she didn't know which was which. Her body was a bundle of nerves, each giggle a silent scream for relief.

Finally, when she thought she couldn't take anymore, he stopped. She slumped in the chair, her breathing ragged and her eyes red from crying. He leaned in close, his expression unreadable. "Remember this feeling," he whispered, "Whenever you're tempted to stray from the path of righteousness."

He took her hand, his grip firm, and placed her index finger on the tender skin of her inner thigh. "Now, tell me," he demanded, his voice like a serpent coiling around her soul, "Tell me what you are."

Andrea's eyes searched his, desperate for a way out of this twisted game. But she found only determination in his gaze, a gleam that told her he was enjoying every moment of her discomfort.

"Say it," he ordered, his voice low and commanding. "You're my tickle toy."

Andrea's eyes widened in horror. She had never felt so humiliated in her life. But the desperation to end this torment won out over her pride. With a trembling voice, she whispered the words. "I… I'm your tickle toy."

Father James leaned back, his smile widening. He took her hand and guided her index finger along the sensitive skin of her inner thigh. "Say it louder," he urged, his eyes gleaming. "Say it like you mean it."

Her voice trembled as she repeated the words, the humiliation burning in her chest. "I'm your tickle toy," she murmured.

Father James's smile grew even wider. He stepped back, his eyes raking over her exposed body, and nodded. "Good girl," he said, his voice a velvety purr. He reached out and gave her sides a few final squeezes, the pressure just shy of painful.

Andrea gritted her teeth, trying not to react to the onslaught of tickles that danced along her ribs. Her entire body was a mess of nerves, begging for release. She felt a strange mix of fear and arousal, unsure how to process the situation.

With a final pat, he released her. She stumbled to her feet, her legs wobbly from the intense tickling. She quickly pulled her shirt back together, tucking it into her skirt to regain some semblance of dignity.

The priest stepped back, his gaze never leaving hers. "Remember, Andrea," he said, his voice a warning, "You come to me for confession and penance, or I'll find you."

What I wouldn't GIVE TO BE ANDREA FUCKKKK

[charliespringverse]

iwbft – saturday: a brief summary of my annotations

all highlighted quotes: 80

· ouch/ow/owie: 5

· real/felt/relatable/so true: 1

· aroace: 0

· ☹/☹☹/☹☹☹: 3

'I'm not! It's just... you're more fragile than ... than ...' 'What? than you and Lister?' — i'd say it's a fairly even split tbf

I just realised ...that... there's nothing happy or good in the world... nothing that is truly good or truly happy...' — everyone in this book would benefit from some therapy

'Happy birthday, Jim, Happy birthday, my guy, Love from Lister and Ro, Your best pals till we die' — I LOVE THEM !!!!!!!!

'You were the only person apart from Jimmy and Lister who saw me as normal,' — agony x

I want to be more than this. I am more than this.' 'You are. You always were.' — i need to be shot

"Why, yes, hello, I am here, and I've just split up with my boyfriend. I'm single and ready to mingle.' Rowan shouts "Too soon!' from the kitchen. — would die 4 them

Wait, she's sorry? But this was my fault, wasn't it? — i mean she's not been Spectacular this week

And the three of us laugh. And I imagine this must be what it's like to have real friends. — god i could actually sob over this line. i cross fingers they remained besties post-canon

You're part of my truth.' He blinks. 'You're part of mine too.' — makes me feral

'Do what? What could I possibly do to you that's worse than what you're doing to me?' — FUCKING OW?

You don't have it, do you? I ask her with my eyes. She shakes her head at me. — nonverbal communication sets my brain on fire (/pos?)

Are we all going to be trapped here forever, kept still by in- decision? No one doing exactly what they want? Wouldn't be much different to being back in the band, would it. — my feelings are hurt

'You're only nineteen. Not dead yet!' 'Nineteen years too old.' I laugh at him but can't help hearing the slight sincerity in his voice. — THERAPY. PLEASE.

For a moment I think he might want to kiss me again, but instead he just presses his head into the crook of my neck, nestling his cheek on my shoulder, and wraps his arms round my shoulders. He smells vaguely smoky, and a little of alcohol, but he feels so warm. — they ♡

It's my fault that Lister is gone. He's been hinting at not being okay again and again and again. — i find it v interesting the way jimmy's claustrophobic narration puts the reader in the same self-absorbed position – like the shit that seems obvious in a reread slips by at first

'Choose, then,' says Jimmy. Stay or go.' — parallels innit

'We'll find him,' she says to me as we run, and it's like a real- life angel has promised, a real-life angel knows exactly what is going to happen for the rest of time.' — she sees him as a holy figure until she knows him, he views her as such After knowing her

[queen-scribbles]

@haledamage *cracks knuckles* ALRGHT THEN, can't wait to see the Kira ramble

I've already talked a little about how their different reactions in The Scene make me wanna chew drywall, but I'll refresh on that as I go. I think a lot of the differences and what makes them so DELICIOUS comes from the fact AJ and Adam are v different and Mallory and Adam are so, so very similar(the number of times Nate compares Mallory to Adam in their romance AU makes me laugh)

AJ, ofc, did the "what if we don't break?" response bc she's very much a "you'll never know if you never try" kind of person. Sure, maybe there's a 2% chance of success/no pain if they go for it(she personally thinks it's much higher), but there's a 0% chance if they deny something they both clearly feel and want to happen. She gets that Adam is trying to spare them both future pain of loss(a level of loss he's experienced before, which she can glean from the "again" even if he hasn't gone into detail about what happened to his family yet). She does. BUT his solution to avoiding potential future pain is to cause definite current pain. That doesn't make sense to her. Especially bc if something were to happen to him; seriously injured yet again or GOD FORBID killed, IT'S STILL GOING TO HURT. She still loves him even if he's not willing to let them be together. Can't speak for him, but suspects it would be the same. :) Just bc they're not acting on it doesn't make the feelings go away.

Her "going forward" is gonna be more of what's in the ficlet, not hiding that she loves him, not pushing too hard, just unobtrusively but relentlessly making him aware that whenever he's ready so is she. She doesn't want to pry for what happened to his family, what made him feel like this, worry about being broken bc he cares deeply about someone(spoilers, Adam, you care about Bravo. You care about Rebecca. You're still fucked even if you don't let yourself fall in love :)))) ), but even without details she understands it was Bad and she gets the desire to flinch away from a potential repeat of a pain you've experienced. Burn your hand, you don't touch the stove. Fall through ice, you don't walk on frozen rivers. etc etc. But she also feels that no matter how valid that fear might be, he needs to work through it(that feels like wrong phrasing >.>) bc not letting yourself get close to people for fear of how much losing them will hurt is no way to live. Especially when you're immortal. And maybe that's naïve bc she is mortal instead of being a 900 year old vampire. Maybe she'll feel differently after she's watched her mother and Tina and Verda's kids all age and die. But maybe she won't. Maybe loving people is worth enduring the chance/certainty of their loss.(Might do something in this AU with the fact she had a cat who died of old age a couple months before book 1. Much smaller scale, but she does have a little experience with loss of something beloved. And she wouldn't trade the years she had and loved her cat to avoid the pain of losing her, that would be silly.)

And Mallory. haha prepare for Mallory's Bold stat to SKYROCKET.

She's been trying to ignore, deny, and explain away the fact she's falling for Adam since late book 1, juuuuuust ignore she got worse PTSD from Murphy stabbing him than anything the asshole did to her. :) She still has nightmares about it. :))) Trapper fight too :))) The truth almost managed to escape after book 2 combat training, but she shoved it away, only to have TU OMNIA smash the walls down into little teeny tiny pieces she'd never put back together. (Love having a language nerd romance Adam "mutter in Latin so people don't know what I'm saying" du Mortain :). She DOES, buddy boy. It's fun) she still kept it kinda buried bc he was so clearly trying to deny/get rid of his feelings, and she already got her heart broken once by Bobby, she doesn't want a repeat of that. But the STUFF in book 3, man. And that my proud, cynical, STUBBORN AF, "I'm not fragile, Adam"// "I can handle myself" girl deliberately let herself be vulnerable enough to say "Too late" when he says he can't let her fall in love with him makes me SCREAM. She knew it was going to hurt. She knew it was going to break her heart. She did it anyway. She loves him enough to let him hurt her like that. Bc she had to tell him. She's honest, outspoken, reckless and so in love with him she can barely breathe, OFC she had to tell him even if he refuses to do anything about it.

But now, ohoho, he's admitted he loves her, and knows she loves him. The dam is finally, FINALLY broken, the river is raging, and good luck stopping her. She's gonna be way more open and blunt and vocal about how stupid she think it is to deny their feelings for each other. example: I DID NOT FINALLY GET OVER YEARS OF BLOODY BOBBY MARKS CRIPPLING MY LOVE LIFE TO ROLL OVER AND BE RESIGNED BC YOU'RE AFRAID OF GETTING HURT DU MORTAIN. DOES THAT SOUND LIKE ME?!?!?!?! (Do you know how long it took me to admit to MYSELF and sort-of kind-of to SOMEONE ELSE that I love you??? I can't back down NOW)

Mallory loves a challenge. She is encouraged and inspired when given a challenge. She also HATES IT when people tell her what to do, especially "for her safety". And Adam's whole "I will not allow you to fall in love with me" hits BOTH of those buttons. He literally could not have made her more interested in pursing him if he'd confessed his love and asked her on a date. xD Telling her "You can't do this, you'll get hurt" and thinking that would stop her???? Instead of make her chase it more stubbornly and blatantly????? Do you know her at all, Adam????? (Mason's gonna have a ball watching/abetting her in book 4 and I"m here for it)

tl;dr, AJ's a gentle stream, Mallory's a raging river, but they WILL both wear down the rock that is Adam du Mortain's obstinate refusal to pursue their mutual attraction, and it's gonna be delicious to watch.

[astrxlfinale]

NUMBER 30!! Take #2. TALK TO ME ABOUT the Caelus/Kafka dynamic. :)

SO. Exactly where do we begin with this?

I've had my good share of time not only to reflect from our convos, but on top of that, have my own perspective generated from just going over the contents of how they hung out in the game. What's shared between the two of them is a particular sort of bond. One forged by belief, through longing and desires for the truth, not to mention how there's a genuine sense of care shared between them.

To expand more upon Caelus's position, there's so much range that could be picked, and due to the choices alone you could infer that something managed to remain during his revival. Even if the world as it stands is ultimately against her, making her one of the highest bounties in the universe, how the angle of crook, villain and a potential ender of all things come into play?

He really doesn't care. The narrative that should be followed is drawn out, that this is an enemy, people in the Express are uncomfortable by her mere presence and the Steallron Hunters at large.

So how is it during the quiet moments we see this.

What he follows is the companionship, the closeness that he can feel but also holds the frustration that the full picture isn't there. Truth be told? It really isn't all that different if you were to screw around with Kafka during the awakening scene?

They hold a history, one that's valued from their respective ends, for their respective reasons, and the importance of that can be explored depending on how you play the responses. Yet, I want the notes to be taken here, how there's a genuine stir of concerned discomfort. Silver Wolf's words in particular unabashedly striking that chord that this actually hurts. What I inferred from this is that through this process of Caelus's return, the truly important perspectives would remain through his will.

Kafka I imagine is someone who holds faith in what the Trailblazer's adventure expands out to do. While we could easily say that 'why wouldn't she?? Elio sure as hell never been off the radar in his foresight.' I want to take into account one detail she wanted to ensure was ingrained, that she took the care to not HYPNOTIZE or use in suggestion, but to steady their soul knowing that he was flowing in and out of consciousness.

An angle I see her genuinely believing in, one she finds herself willing to actively gamble on while in pursuit of her own ambitions.

This leads me to believe this isn't a motion of her guiding him by saying this, rather, she's reinstating a belief that was always held true at the core of his heart. It was a means to ensure that what composed him during his recreation was never fully lost. The loss of memory, having it kept as a border for the material angle despite how their hearts likely already know, I believe this needs to be given a deeper line of emphasis. The world can be against her, so can his companions, atrocities can be made in her name, but it truly doesn't change the choice that he intends to stick by her side, even at the great distances.

So in terms of how I see their dynamic? I believe it's a mesh of accepting what happened, continuing on from where they last left off. The pains shared from having the knowledge, not knowing, and seeing this as a barrier in their relationship will just have to be stomached. It's a price worth taking while getting everything kicked back into motion.

To summarize? They really do care about each other. Just as I mentioned in an old HC here, he didn't need a reason outside of her being in a genuine pinch to be willing to burn his repute within the Xianzhou to the ground. Actively going against Yanqing at that moment could've seamlessly solidified that. In kind, Kafka taking the charge to ensure it doesn't go that far, saying she's using her Spirit Whisper ability, but allowing Caelus to fully and consciously slide with that choice to knock him out in that moment.

I for one, refuse to have this slept on! Whether you ship it or you do not, instances like these aren't just made 'for fun', it's giving hints to a history shared and actually reveal just how important they are to each other.

@araneitela