#'they were never trans they were always cis pretending to be trans' or maybe. just maybe. their feelings and self perception changed

[mihai-florescu]

"no binaries" but you still believe there are only the options of being cis or trans...?

[seriousbrat]

it’s so interesting to see how the interpretation of teen (boy) behavior in books has changed since they were written. it’s mostly for the better, but i think it does cause some people to refuse to engage in good faith with the source material, or on its own terms. i’ve loved hp since i was a kid, but i had never interacted at all with the fan side of things until maybe a year ago, and it was very odd (on the whole — which is why i’ve mostly just stuck to a handful of blogs with great fics and meta, like yours) to see how a lot of the text is taken now, compared to how my friends and i understood it at the time. i think its totally fair — and good, on a cultural level — to point out that the boy who pulls your pigtails isn’t being cute, and your male friend being in love with you doesn’t mean you owe him anything. but it’s also like … kind of intentionally closing the eyes to how these parts of the story are meant to come across? and i am not coming in here as some kind of “boys will be boys” person, but teenagers are messy in their relationships and their friendships, and more relevantly, it’s very clear what types of dynamics are being presented by the text. and it can be fun to pick apart what kinds of narratives are meant to be taken as romantic in different stories written in different times/places and why, but to look at the story on a story level you’ve got to also work with what it gives you.

Yes I think you make a very good point! I agree and personally I think both Snape and James would be written slightly differently if they were written today. Also, imo there's an element of wishful thinking coupled with naivety (and this has always existed tbf) when people who haven't ever been cis teenage boys try to write cis teenage boys haha. Like the 'closing of eyes' isn't always intentional. I know I keep going on about the Inbetweeners but I literally think watching that as a teen myself gave me an insight that I can never take back about what teenage boys are like haha.

Like this isn't to say that teenage boys are all exactly alike, or that there's some inherent, natural difference between boys and girls in terms of mentality or personality, but there is a social difference, generally speaking, a constructed one that happens because boys and girls are raised and socialised in a patriarchy. It's obviously not universal at all, and that's not even accounting for trans kids and the complexities they face, because even among cis boys and girls or men and women there's endless variety, and gender absolutely does not determine personality, interests, etc. Unfortunately it does influence them, though, that's our reality.

In terms of fiction, especially fanfic, obv one is free to do as they please. But there is such a thing as narrative voice, which can be an important thing to consider. Again when it comes to fanfiction it Does Not Matter that much, it's for fun, but in published fiction (or if you care about quality ig) it just is something you should consider. This is where the 'Men Writing Women' thing comes in, where you read something so obviously written by a man who doesn't understand how women (generally) think or speak or act at all. And in our patriarchal society such usually ends up being offensive and has often been overlooked and accepted when it shouldn't be. I don't think it's helpful to pretend men can't write women either, since plenty of male authors write female characters beautifully and the rest shouldn't be let off the hook. If you can't write women, skill issue and you shouldn't be published.

Anyway it's vastly more forgivable and understandable, and it pains me to say it but I think you can sometimes tell when it's a woman writing a man or a boy too. I will say on the whole I think women are better at writing men than the reverse haha, probably because we've been socialised to empathise with men whereas boys are not taught (by society) to empathise with women. Maybe women even empathise a little too much tbh. Maybe that's the problem, like we subconsciously over-project our ideals onto male characters, making them too nice, too woke, too cuddly, too sweet, because that's what we want to see, and leaving out the nastier elements that are so common. Again, that's not necessarily a problem!! Only if you're trying to create a realistic, effective portrayal of a certain (average) type of teenage boy-- which you don't have to do. I'd raise my eyebrows at an unrealistic portrayal much more in published fiction than fanfiction personally.

And ofc you can always choose to write a character who diverges from the accepted norm, but to do so effectively has to be a deliberate choice and done thoughtfully. For a boy like James, who is very average, the norm, he's decent enough but no Woke Feminist King haha. He's not meant to be.

Anyway, I think that's why the Marauders et al (including Death Eaters lol) are nowadays often portrayed like sweet little babies who all cuddle and take care of each other and respect women LOL. Like whatever, it's escapism haha, it's understandable. But sometimes I do think a lot of these people have never really interacted with many gay men or know what their culture is like. lmao. straight men maybe, but in a limited way. if you've ever had the misfortune to be with a group of cishet men who are talking freely with each other you'll know what I mean. again this is GENERAL. and socially constructed, not inherent. but very common nevertheless.

[magnolia-sunrise]

need to take a government mandated break from working on lineart to 1) rest my hand 2) clear my mind, and so here is # Freak F...Saturday. no fun alliteration on saturday :(

i want to talk about Bastien and fun things about him and his sexuality but first let me take you to faraway lands of two years ago? more or less, when i was revamping his character and rotating him in my mind as you do and trying to figure out what makes him who he is and what makes him like, fucking catnip for Wolfgang. and i came across two things, VCH piercing and transmasc doms and it was like yes. there they are : ) it was really important for me not to write yet another sexually repressed virginal trans character - because of many reasons, but ultimately because that's not someone Wolfgang would find interesting. and realizing he's Very sexually experienced dom made things finally click.

so Bastien came of age away from home, in a community of butches and leatherdykes, free with kink and sexuality and very loose with boundaries and those late teens into his twenties were really formative, even if he eventually ended up having to move away for med school (and started his transition around that same time). he was still fucking around a lot in college, occasionally getting into some flings, until Matteo showed interest and they started dating - first it wasn't supposed to be very serious (though Bastien liked that a cis gay was interested in him and kept treating him to nice dinners and bought him clothes, he can't lie no matter how it makes him cringe now) but then you know, the things happened that happened and Matteo was a lifeline that helped him through some of the worst months of his life and they ended up moving in together.

Matteo was also really supportive of him getting top surgery (also offering to pay for extra cosmetic surgery to remove the scars - which Bastien declined), pushing him to think about bottom surgery as well. because Matteo always bottoms, usually he prefers to be fucked from behind with the strap, twink pillow princess style, and they would both pretend that was enough for Bastien.

Bastien likes topping, don't get the idea that he wasn't into it, it's just something that became.. so much of a routine over time, a chore even. he likes domming and kink but their sex was really mostly vanilla and basically entirely based on Matteo's whims (which to be fair, Bastien never quite tried to voice his own needs in the bedroom or anywhere else in their relationship). and Matteo would not in any way acknowledge that he had anything but the strap between his legs. which.. again was.. affirming at first but the more Bastien's body kept changing - with T, gaining weight, gaining muscle and body hair - the more he actually felt good in his own skin. and his desires changed with that too - how they would maybe like to be touched and perceived changed as well. but to Bastien it seemed there was no avenue to explore that within the long term relationship they had with Matteo.

this is a long lead up to talk about how when they first - finally - start fucking with Wolfgang, they are more than happy to do it on Bastien's terms. like they prefer to top usually, but they also happily fold to anyone more dominant or insistent on a position :) Bastien not only gets to fuck them how he wants, but also after a too long time he allows someone else to touch him and hold him and fuck him and make him a complete mess in a way they didn't know they could even handle.

..and it's a whole, slow process. he would catch himself feeling embarrassed even, thinking it's something he should have sorted out in his 20s. getting in touch with his emotions and his body after years of numbness and pushing down his desires doesn't come easy. even when he would finally want to try bottoming again, he would only nod at Wolfgang as consent without being able to say what he wanted or what he would like, he would hide his face, covering it with his hands or turning away when he came. but little by little he lets them in more and more, emotionally and on every other level. they push each other's boundaries and they build trust in each other. he forces himself to be honest and to stay in the moment and to voice his own desires, and of course that's all made easier with a lover who not only is also trans but is actually eager to please him : )

[antiyourwokehomophobia2]

i read your post you tagged “if you take nothing else from this blog let it be this”

and i’m glad i did because it paints a really great picture of your ideology

“i have nothing in common with trans women,” you say, and then you proceed to describe in vivid detail some obviously painful memories from your childhood that stayed with you: begging god to “fix” you, being viewed as dangerous by your peers for your identity.

you’re so right, when trans women were children everyone always clapped them on the back and said “great job today buddy we accept you!”

they never felt alienated, they were never treated as predators whilst being mere children, and they certainly never hoped a higher power would make them normal.

nothing human is alien to yourself and i’m sorry you think you have not an inch of common ground with 50% of the earth. i hope you’re very young, that would explain this really defensive, combative and self-isolating stance you’ve taken.

i’m a cis woman who was also bullied in middle school for being gay so unfortunately you cannot write this off as another “angry man” or whatever, but i expect you’ll find some other way to dismiss this criticism, or maybe you’ll pretend you didn’t read it despite me reading your much longer vitriolic post.

i’m not saying you have to love and welcome trans women into Our Spaces—although i wish you did feel that way—but specifically i’m baffled that you think you have NOTHING in common with them solely because they were born with a penis. are genitals really that defining of a human being? i personally don’t find it super feminist to reduce my entire identity and human experience down to my having a vagina.

No, anon, I’m not going to pretend that I didn’t read this ask. I do acknowledge and appreciate two things:

You took the time to read my post. If I can be honest, I thought it’d be a bigger hit, and the fact it wasn’t is at least partially contributed to its length, I’m sure.

Even though you clearly disagree with me, this ask is respectful. I really do appreciate that.

With that out of the way, I would like to give you a response.

““I have nothing in common with trans women,” you say, and then you proceed to describe in vivid detail some obviously painful memories from your childhood that stayed with you: begging god to “fix” you, being viewed as dangerous by your peers for your identity.

you’re so right, when trans women were children everyone always clapped them on the back and said “great job today buddy we accept you!”

they never felt alienated, they were never treated as predators whilst being mere children, and they certainly never hoped a higher power would make them normal.”

I would like to point out that the post I made was specifically talking about “lesbian” trans women. In the beginning, I speak a bit generally about trans women as a whole, but my post was mainly about straight males who claim to be lesbians. I'm willing to accept that I have plenty in common with homosexual trans women (trans women into males) because we are both gay. Not only that, but I can relate to being so gnc that I’d rather just be the opposite sex. However, this part of your ask does not make nearly as much sense if we are talking about heterosexual trans women. Yes. Straight males very much so are considered normal. I think where people like you and people like me get into the most arguments is that we can't decide who is and who is not a trans woman. You seem to view them as tortured minorities who struggled since childhood. And some of them are—mostly the homosexual ones, but the thing is that men with sissy fetishes or autogynephilia also call themselves trans women. “But they’re not!” is what you’re probably saying, right? Those men are perverts, right? Okay, but they call themselves trans women. How do you know who's telling the truth or not? How do we prevent the liars from hurting women? What is stopping a man with a fucked up fetish from identifying as trans, entering a woman’s bathroom, and assaulting someone? You might be thinking that if a man wants to assault somebody, a woman's bathroom sign isn't going to stop him from doing so, but the thing is, if you make it a law that anybody can go into whatever bathroom they want to go into, it then becomes asinine to call the police on him. The police can't do anything because how do they know he doesn't belong there? Do you understand why this whole thing causes women such great pause?

You and I can trade pathos all day. I can tell you sad stories from my childhood growing up gay. You can talk to me about a sad boy crying in his room wishing he was a girl. It always comes back to “who do you care about more?” If a teenage girl talks about feeling genuine discomfort over males being allowed in the school locker rooms and a teenage boy talks about how much he wishes he had access to the girl locker rooms because he “feels” like a girl, whose side do you take? Who do you care about more? I will always choose women and gay people.

I left something out of my post, anon. It wasn't relevant but now I think it is. I've talked about this before but when I was a kid I struggled greatly with the fact that I was black. I can say with full confidence that I had racial dysphoria. I wanted to be white so badly. Both of my parents are black people, but I used to ask people if I could pass as half white. It was pretty bad. Would you have told me that I was meant to be born white? No? Then why do you think it’s okay to tell someone they’re meant to be born the opposite sex? Why is sex the only thing people are allowed to say is “wrong” about them? How ingrained are biases about sex that people look at a little boy playing with dolls, say “he’s supposed to be a girl”, and a disturbing amount of people say “true!”? That’s insane! Imagine if someone looked at a white person eating watermelon and said they were meant to be born black? That’s how people with your ideology sound. You don’t think you sound that way because you’ve had so many people backing you up, but if you can tell me why racial dysphoria isn’t valid but gender dysphoria is, I’ll reconsider everything. It is my “bad” luck I was born black, anon. There is nothing I can do to change that. Some boy wishing he was a girl is a sad thing, sure, but it’s simply a matter of tough luck lmao. He shouldn’t suddenly get everything he wants just because of that.

“nothing human is alien to yourself and i’m sorry you think you have not an inch of common ground with 50% of the earth.  i hope you’re very young, that would explain this really defensive, combative and self-isolating stance you’ve taken.

i’m a cis woman who was also bullied in middle school for being gay so unfortunately you cannot write this off as another “angry man” or whatever, but i expect you’ll find some other way to dismiss this criticism, or maybe you’ll pretend you didn’t read it despite me reading your much longer vitriolic post.

i’m not saying you have to love and welcome trans women into Our Spaces—although i wish you did feel that way—but specifically i’m baffled that you think you have NOTHING in common with them solely because they were born with a penis. are genitals really that defining of a human being?  i personally don’t find it super feminist to reduce my entire identity and human experience down to my having a vagina.”

50% of the population? You and I have been talking about trans women this whole time. Are they 50% of the population? Are you talking about men when you say this? Why? This is a bit of a freudian slip, anon. Seems like I’m not the only one here who knows trans women and men are the same thing.

I do think that “nothing human is alien to yourself” is a beautiful phrase, and I do agree! There are men and straight people I can relate to just fine. But I don’t agree with calling males lesbians and I don’t agree that people can be born in the wrong body. I am defensive and combative. Women and lesbians are actively being threatened. Self-isolating though? No, I don’t think so. I don't feel isolated at all. In fact, I think being open about my views has led to me being close to people I never would’ve thought. And even if my views did lead to my isolation, I would much rather be alone than with people who are actively hurting women and gay people.

“i’m baffled that you think you have NOTHING in common with them solely because they were born with a penis.” I can concede that saying “nothing” was more emotion based than logic based, but I think that the straight male experience is pretty damn different from the lesbian one. The male experience, in general, is pretty different from what I’ve had. That’s what I was speaking about. 

“are genitals really that defining of a human being?” I don’t know about how much they define a human being, anon, but they definitely do contribute a lot to how the world treats you. If you have a penis, the world treats you a shit ton better than they do if you have a vagina. That’s just facts. Nobody can help being born with a penis, but the world is not a fair place. Also, for a trait that is apparently so neutral, people with penises manage to commit 90% of all violent crime. What do you make of that? If genitals are really neutral, why isn’t the crime rate between people with vaginas and people with penises a 50-50 split? You said yourself that nothing human is an alien concept to other humans, so if women go through the same experiences men do, why is there such a large disparity in crime? Why can women go through the things men do (and worse, let’s be real) and generally not end up as criminals? What is it about having a penis that contributes to this?

“I personally don’t find it super feminist to reduce my entire identity and human experience down to my having a vagina.” I never said women are only their vaginas. If I tried to talk about racism, I would not be “reducing black people down to their skin color”. There is no reason why talking about the female experience should be met with claims I’m reducing women down to their vaginas.

[theromanticscrooge]

I started coming out of the closet among friends and family in late 2020. When quarantine started lifting and more businesses opened back up in 2021, I re-entered the workforce. I wanted to be recognized as a transman despite being pre-hrt and any surgeries. Originally, I interviewed and took a position as a horticulture technician. In my case, that title was a fancy way of saying "I water, prune, and tend to indoor plants at local businesses."

The second day in, I told my boss that I was trans. She said that was fine as long as it didn't interfere with work. That seemed reasonable. It seemed like a green light. She referred to me by my preferred name vs my legal name, too.

Everything was okay for the first two months. I learned the general checklist for plant care and common issues to look out for/how to remedy them. Most local businesses were friendly enough. The dentist's office on my route said that I was doing a good job. It seemed like I was fitting in okay and performing well. I thought I'd be here for awhile and even hoped I'd be there after an indefinite point when I'd start HRT and what changes would come with that.

I wanted to be referred to with he/him pronouns. It was getting to the point where I was felt like I was increasingly uncomfortable with pretending to be a cis woman and damn, I was sick of pretending to be something I'm not. Presenting as cis was temporary for me; as in there would be deliberate effort on my part to change my features and appearance. I'd been there long enough that people knew my name, I had a route, etc. It'd help me feel comfortable there; the last step to really being part of the team, right?

And considering my boss' initial reaction, I thought being accepted was a real possibility. I asked to be referred to with he/him pronouns around the shop. Her first reaction was "You haven't told any of the customers about this, right?" No. Then she followed up with, and keep in mind that I'm paraphrasing here, "I can't see you as a man. I'll always see you as a woman in my mind. I'll try to use your pronouns but I just can't see you as a man." I don't remember the exact phrasing. In essence, she said the unspoken part out loud that some cisgender people still operate on if they knew you before you started transitioning.

After that discussion, I had trouble performing regular job tasks. I fumbled badly enough that I was laid off a week later. I had one more interaction with my boss after getting laid off; she used my legal name. I want to reiterate: I honestly did fuck up badly enough that I don't chalk up getting laid off to discrimination. Maybe I should have reached out to HR about accommodations in regards to pronouns or coming up with a workable game plan to come out more gracefully at work. I don't know.

After that job, I went strictly by my dead name and presented as cis at other jobs and in public. A combination of my experience with this boss and some disparaging remarks from my dad made a certain part of my reality painfully clear: my potential employment and means to live were threatened by transphobia. If I existed as a trans person in public, especially if I didn't pass, it made people uncomfortable. Especially potential customers, people that signed my pay checks, etc. I was convinced that I'd be in the closet forever; that it wasn't safe to come out and transitioning would never be an option for me if I wanted to live comfortably in any capacity.

This became untenable. Thankfully, I'm in a spot where I was able to start HRT and I'm about six months in now. I came out to my current employer and she was very accepting. She's the best boss I've had in the last ten years, hands down. I'm sharing this story because I want to say, very loudly: If you're trans, you deserve to exist. Bigots can be uncomfortable. Its miserable staying in the closet, trying to stay small/stealth, and you deserve to be yourself in public. Unfortunately, I know this is becoming increasingly difficult, but I hope you feel supported and continue to fight for your right to exist fully as you are in every part of your life.

If we have to work to live, its not unreasonable to ask to be recognized as your true self at work. It means that you'll be a much happier, productive person and despite my own crappy experiences, I think there's still plenty of managers and employers that understand this. I was lucky enough to find one.

Hopefully, you'll find that too. Whether it's a direct employer or something like Patreon supporters, art clients, whatever works. You deserve to be you at home, in private, in public, and definitely at work.

[system-network]

Papyrus and Sans (AU) headcanons

I made sure that they all were in character, it's been forever since I wrote for anything Undertale related

Undertale

🦴Sans

-Aroace king right here

-I want to say that they are Transfem but I don't think he would care too much about how others perceive his gender

-He has ADHD and OCD

-He'll clean out his trumpet multiple times a day because of it

-It's like, the one thing he'll do

-One time Frisk wanted to help Papyrus clean, so they moved Sans sock from the living room and he kinda just stood there

-He wasn't upset at Frisk or Papyrus, of course not- but he liked the sock being there for some reason

-I don't have much for OG Sans, my apologies

🦴Papyrus

-Cis male and demi sexual

-He's just happy to be there, trust

-He has so much love to pass around, and I think that's obvious

-He has autism, and maybe ADD??

-Again, maybe on the ADD part

-He's never told anyone, but he can read Wingdings as well as sign language

-He wanted to learn, so he taught himself

-He was thrilled that he did, because when Frisk tried signing to monsters Papyrus was the one who could fully understand

-He taught other humans and monsters when the barrier broke

-He was so happy to help

-He's very unaware of his voice volume

-He tries so hard to not get too loud when excited, but he can only keep it in for sooo long

Underfell

🦴Sans (Red)

-Cis dude

-Doesn't really care about pronouns tbh

-He's also definitely Omni

-People always give him a brooklyn accent for some reason?

-I mean, I get it, but I don't think they were alive when monsters were on the surface so he wouldn't be around those kinds of accents?

-Unless other monsters have one, then I guess it makes sense

-Gold tooth is just because it makes him seem tougher

-Plus, when he was a baby Edge threw her bottle at him a little too hard and now he has a missing tooth

-It's just something he pops into his mouth, there isn't really a dentist under ground LOL

-He also has a lisp because of this

-He's so dumb omg

-Red can't pretend to fall asleep, he just can't

-He has to help kids whenever he sees one needing help

-He can't help it, he has big brother instincts!!

🦴Papyrus (Edge)

-Transfem queen

-I don't make the rules

-She is Transfem and sapphic!!!

-She's a good cook, if her food isn't up to her standers she will throw it out

-She likes fashion

-Look at her BOOTS, you just know she likes looking good

-Isn't as tall as the other Papyrus’, so the boots help

-No matter how hard she is on Red, she loves her brother dearly

-She just doesn't know how to fully show that without being on the verge of tears

-She's strong physically, but emotionally.. she'll need help in that department

-She has PTSD

-That much is obvious

Underswap

🦴Sans (Blue)

-He is my genderqueer aroace king

-I'm sorry, but dude isn't actively looking for romance

-He's energetic, but only when it's things he likes

-Like, he'll be sooo unenthusiastic but then he'll see a show he likes and gets so hyped

-Talks with his hands

-I tried to refrain from the “echo bodies”, but I have to mention that Blue is chubby

-This is a man, he has a stomach and no one can fight me on this

-He's also a little shit

-I DON'T MAKE THE RULES

-He's a smug bastard, just trust me

-He has OCD

🦴Papyrus (Stretch)

-I like to say trans masc

-Trans Masc or Bigender

-Bro is fluid in his gender regardless

-He also doesn't care for labels tbh, he just likes what he likes

-He's also energetic, but he gets burned out fast

-He forgets what he puts in his pockets often

-Bro is wearing cargo pants, too many pockets for him to keep track

-He definitely writes

-Horror stories? Yes. Sci-fi? Of course! Romance? Perchance…

-Annoying younger brother energy

-He likes annoying others, but I a like “oh you-” kinda way

-Also autistic!!!

-I love him so much don't get me started

[the-vibing-ghoul]

i really hate most queer spaces because theyre so (for the lack of a better word) pc. Every time i go to any support group for trans and queer people I feel alienated cause my trauma isn't caused by cis men. I still remember when i opened up one time about how i was still uncomfortable around women even after years of work which resulted in one of the leaders of said group asking me to meet her in private (something which i clearly stated i was not okay with because of, as previously stated, having been abused by women in my life which resulted in fear of being alone with one). I was told I was making the ''women and femmes'' feel unsafe with the ideology i was spreading. When i asked what ideology i was spreading by sharing my experience i got told i was a mysogynist and should word my experience more carefully so that the trans women (there was 1 in the group who supported me through the whole thing) don't feel attacked. I'm not going to pretend i acted cool. i lost my shit cause she just decided that the shit that happened to me had no impact on the way i am. because if she did she would have to stop pretending that women are always the victims and never the abusers, that women are 2d gentle creatures incapable of doing harm. Worst of all she tried to somehow make the abuse i experienced seem liek it was actually the fault of my father, or my brother, saying that my mother was just tired and overworked which is of course why she beat the shit out of me. It was simply a way for her to regulate her emotions in my ''patriarchal home'' as she called it. Yes it might have ended in me having my brain damaged beyond repair from the impact of shit she threw at my head over the years and maybe my hands can't move all that well because of how she used to pull on them until i couldnt feel my fingers but have i considred that she is a woman and therefore always the victim? No matter what she does we can't criticize her in our cutesy support group for queers who might have some bad experiences but they should keep those to themselves really. What if the trans girl who is also there because she's traumatised and hurting gets her feelings hurt? What if the one cis lesbian in the group gets offended? Well that didn;t happen and they were very understanding and supportive BUT WHAT IF? No of course there's nothing weird about a support group leader speaking over people who are actually there and thinking she knows better how the queers feel about it than the actual queers themselves, why would you think that?

[gaz-light]

CW: Me but ugly

Ya know what fuck it. I don't intend to this mid week. I wanna do it now while I've got the time and honestly I'm a bit excited.

This is John. He's the guy I used to be. I don't have many other pictures of him but I saved these ones for this purpose. They're some of the few I could stand for some reason.

It's hard to think I ever used to look like that. Think or act the way I did. You could go back right now and tell him the events of the past like year or so and honestly he'd probably understand it. Would be too scared as shit nervous and doubtful to ever believe it. Hated himself too much to imagine it being this way.

This is how I started off on Hormones 1 year ago. 5/31/22. Somewhere between 11/7/21 and 4/9/22 everything went to shit. I crashed my motorcycle and broke my arm, ended up broke, didnt get into grad school, the girl I was madly in love with just let me know I was being replaced by someone with a pussy. It took about everything happy in my life turning to shit over night to finally crack the egg that I had been growing in for so long.

There were signs before. Things I always knew. Always hung out with girls. Liked sapphic content. Felt detachment from peers of my agab, enjoyed pretending at being an internet femboy. Horribly autistic. Fucking hated my body. Hated hated hated hated hated. I had a closeted sissy kink and dressed up FOR YEARS. So much more. Eventually I started hooking up with trannies the same way I hooked up with lesbians and things began to click. Something in me thought ya know what, I don't have to just admire and adore and yearn for them. Then a good friend of mine consoling me one April night more or less extended an invitation and I didn't look back.

And then she was born. I think these photos are from maybe a month post starting HRT. Would you believe I hadn't seen myself without facial hair in like 10 years before this point. I hadn't shaved it all off since I was 13. I'm hispanic. Greek and Cuban so I've had this accursed facial and body hair for fucking ever. I was so afraid the first time I picked up that razor. I didnt know if I'd like what was on the other side. I felt safe and secure in the validation I got from other people that I thought it'd be ok if I was just unhappy with myself forever. I hated whatever I was so much that I didnt have the energy to care for her.

Then I shaved.

I looked in the mirror and I thought that girl looked kinda cute. For the first time I really didnt think I looked so bad. My friends were very supportive thankfully. Not everyone was. Certainly not dear old dad who still wont call me by my name or gender me properly. The man who told me god had cursed him with 2 faggots. My little trans brother and I. The man who let me know I was a disappointment and that neither I or anyone of us were real women. I still havent forgiven him for so much. But I am trying to let it go. Even the cis people were kinda nice. I lost some who were kinda edgy friends from highschool. Nothing of value was lost.

Since then I've worked to navigate the professional world as a woman. My first boss at my first real post college job was this British woman from England who made my life kinda hell. Preyed upon and picked on me and embarrassed me professionally. One of the 2 other women at the office. She never would admit to it but I think she resented me for it. I was also the only tranny there. Well sorta. There was 1 other who worked down in facilities doing the trash and dishes for the labs. But not up there. Not on the 8th floor with us in the "war room".

And this is where and who we are now 1 year later. Same eyes. Same 5'0 looking ass. But happier. Smiles when she looks in the mirror. Can actually do things for herself. Set boundaries. Care. Maybe she can even love too. I've placed myself into countless lesbian romance fantasies and I feel like I have a shot at living them. I used to be like 200 pounds. I'm down to 128 and also built like a brick house full of muscle. I was horrified of being trapped in that body of mine forever and the fear and doubt that I'd never make it even this far scared me into doing nothing until i had little else to lose.

Let me leave you with some wise advice that friend who cracked my egg once gave to me: The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago. The second best time is right now.

Transitioning was the best decision I ever made for myself. Happy birthday Morrigan. I love you.

[llyfrenfys]

See I'm not aro but I really appreciate the concept of amatonormativity. I'm very much alloromantic and allosexual, but amatonormativity impacts everyone.

(Heads up, this post got long. Hopefully it makes sense and I didn't make too many typos)

For example, when I was in primary school (and back then everyone treated me like a 'girl' because nobody knew I was a trans boy then) I was 'shipped' with a cis boy in my class against my will.

At that point in time, I had no desire to be in a relationship with anyone. I was just a kid doing kid stuff yanno?

Now the cis boy in my class, we'll call him F, he was speculated to be gay by many fellow kids and adults in his life. I knew of adults who would speculate on his sexuality because he wanted the princess toppers off of the top of my birthday cake one year. I still don't know if F is gay or not, but I kinda had gaydar go off with him too. But that doesn't prove anything. The bottom line is, F was assumed to be gay.

I, on the other hand, was very much not feminine and would be masculine at every opportunity. I even specifically remember seeing the tomboy in our class and thinking (paraphrased) 'I relate to that experience, but not quite' (cue impending realisation of transmasculinity). So on my end you had kids and adults in my life (correctly) picking up on my queerness and speculating about it.

So, the stage is set. I'm maybe 10ish years old. I'm still seen as a 'girl' but also assumed queer. F is seen as a boy but also assumed queer. And I don't know when or where it began but people started shipping me and F together.

I had no desire to be with F, date him or whatever. As far as I was concerned he was just another kid in my class. But adults in my life started arranging playdates and more or less forcing us to spend time with each other. I didn't enjoy F's company because he liked playing WW2 and would always pressure me into play-pretending I was a teacher during WW2 and would snap at me if I made any errors. Genuinely we just didn't get along.

But amatonormativity is a hell of a drug and once the adults started shipping me and F together, kids in class started to join in too. People in my friend group would sometimes sing Love Is In the Air whenever F was near me. I hated it and I actually ended up getting hurt running away from their singing because I slipped on a patch of black ice I hadn't seen.

Soon it was intolerable and I'd begun to feel powerless in my own life because people shipped me and F so much that eventually everyone assumed that we'd started dating. We hadn't. But eventually F began to believe it too and of course adults in our lives arranged more playdates (with the explicit goal of making them become date dates).

I was miserable with this situation- looking back I'm fairly sure that the whole situation was a mix of heteronormativity (and correcting any queerness on my or F's end) and amatonormativity. Years later, thinking about the whole situation, I'm really thankful we have terminology to describe these kinds of normativity now since those terms just straight up didn't exist at the time it was happening.

Anyway, the inevitable conclusion of the whole debacle was that I eventually had enough and tried to look for ways to put a stop to everyone's assumptions and shipping me with someone I didn't want to date. In the UK we leave primary school at age 11 after sitting exams called SATs. So one day, after we'd finished all our SATs, I invited F to my house to look at my stamp collection (yes, I collected stamps as a kid. Yes I am also nd). I knew I needed to tell my parents beforehand since they were very much pro-forcing this relationship on me. So I sheepishly told them I didn't want to date F at all and never wanted to in the first place. When they blew up at me I managed to reason that F was going to a different high school to me and that I didn't want a long-distance 'relationship'. Eventually, that reasoning worked.

F came to my house later that night and came upstairs to where I was. I didn't want to be in this relationship at all but I didn't want to be an asshole to him so I let him down gently and explained I didn't want to be in that relationship and that we were going to different schools anyway so it was more practical to break things off (and also get the adults in my life to back off about the whole thing). He seemed to take it well, until the next day at school.

In the playground he walked up to me, I was picking dandelions and making wishes. Out of nowhere he turned to me, told me to my face that I was "a waste of human life and space" and then stormed off.

I was dumbfounded- and hurt, of course. Because Jesus, talk about an overreaction. I later found out a family member of his told him to say that to me.

This post is getting long but the bottom line is- I never consented to dating F, therefore I do not count that relationship as being real. And like, the whole sorry situation could have been avoided if people weren't hell-bent on correcting queerness with forcing queer people to be in a het-appearing 'relationship'. And the pressure of amatonormativity to assume everyone always wants to be in a relationship.

TLDR: I'm very thankful to the whole aro community for their work in creating and expanding the concept of amatonormativity. It gives this alloro langauge to be able to process what happened to him as a kid and it makes me feel better for not wanting to date F because of my own boundaries.

I'm very happily in a relationship now and have been for many years. But the bottom line is that nobody should be forced to be in a relationship if they don't want to be. I'm in a relationship by choice now, but for those who don't desire relationships at all, they deserve to feel happy and unbothered by amatonormativity. Hopefully any of this ramble made sense, if I made any mistakes with terminology, please let me know.

[danse--macabre]

trans astarion headcanons

talked to this about a few people individually, and decided to make a big old post.

so for starters: we are talking transmasc astarion. raised in some fancy smancy magical elf town. saw himself as a boy/man from a young age. transition was both easy and culturally accepted: transitioned young, magical t, bottom/top/whatever surgery etc. the works, ka-pow level 9 spell of here's your tits blasted off. he wanted it, he got it. he didn't quite conform entirely to the androgynous elven ideal, so to celebrate being hot and himself, travelled all the way from whatever fancy smancy elf settlement he was from to Baldur's Gate to make his big splash debut as a newly minted t-Man - and ran headfirst into becoming flamboyant law school frat boy, party boy slut who was pulling right left centre like a fucking conveyor belt, they were lining up (hey, what a better way to debut becoming sexy, lads?). still, smart enough to pass his exams despite the wild parties the night before, and well-connected, schmoozes his way into a successful respectable career aged 39 using his fraternity/society/elite men's club contacts to get there (and well, if he previously fucked some of them when in law school, who cares!). he's having the time of his life, enjoying loving his body very much, thank you.

and then he becomes a vampire. and he's frozen in time looking like this.

(cw: discussions of transphobia, misgendering, & trans fetishisation)

and at first, who cares -- this was always what he was supposed to look like, he's immortalised as this - as his peak - and you know the way youth is just lionised, put on a pedestal in queer spaces, he decides he doesn't fucking care. it's a relief.

(the quiet realisation he'll never grow old in his beautiful body, that maybe he had more growing to do, much more of himself to become, sometimes bristles at his subconscious -- but he bats it away in the same way he bats away things like 'hope' or 'optimism'. he doesn't have space for that while being crushed.)

anyway. two narrative possibilities here, in the vampire years:

fetishisation. transness becomes his entire sexual appeal, rather than part of who he is more broadly. lures chasers who are desperate to get their horrible hands on a hot t-boy, who often want him to perform in demeaning ways that may undercut his gender/misgender him. leans into the parts of astarion's narrative where he is often reduced to a sex object.

erasure. people believe he is cis, fuck him like he is cis, expect him to behave like he is cis. and he almost forgets he is trans. he becomes detached from that part of himself almost entirely - were it not for visual signals (e.g. top surgery/phallo scars that cannot fade over time), he'd do so. leans into the out-of-body dissociation elements occurring instead.

anyway, nautiloid happens, game happens. astarion doesn't pretend he's NOT trans, it's just something he tends to dismiss as 'not very important', and straight up won't come up until act 2. this minimising approach allows him some control over his narrative even if it is avoiding a difficult truth: others hurt him because he was trans, objectified him because he was trans, or simply didn't want engage with something they considered unpleasant.

we get to the final choice. a key facet of spawn vs. ascended astarion is acceptance versus denial. ascended astarion convinces himself that being a spawn is a demeaning experience where one would be better off dead, and uses that to justify killing 7k spawn (as well as part of himself). classic "accept oneself; live in pride vs. deny oneself; live in shame" queer dilemma. so it follows that astarion's journey with his transgender identity develops along those lines.

spawn astarion embraces his transness, and makes efforts to be trans in his own terms -- rather than for the gratification of others. he embraces his gender non-conformity and much more and is so much more playful with gender. this could develop into becoming genderfluid/non-binary gender where his particular mode of effeminate masculinity develops into something like 'sometimes I'm a she/her in stockings actually, but I'm never a woman', something he can only really embrace when he is no longer living in crisis mode, can accepts himself as a trans person, and knows he does not need to exist to be desirable to others. regardless of whether he's non-binary or simply gnc, i think it takes a fair bit of confidence & bravery for him to play with gender knowing it might jeopardise people reading him as masc, but he's tired of living for others wants & eyes.

ascended astarion in contrast, lives in denial about his transness. tries to convince you he's a cis man. and yes, he might be able to pass seamlessly, but he's quietly miserable.

[ap0stle]

man its so weird to think i could have just been cis. i could theoretically pretend to be cis and then i would just be a girl. that feels so fake. like. i genuinely feel like if i were to just 'be a girl' id be lying. like. even before hrt ive always felt like i was lying whenever i was grouped with girls. like i wasnt supposed to be there. ive never belonged with other girls but what if i did?? what if i was never trans? i feel like i still wouldn't belong somehow. maybe im just ugly??

[kiunlo]

just cause sombody's got pronouns in their bio and they reblog pro-trans shit it doesn't fucking mean anything. when I go onto a small post with like, fucking 50-100 notes and it's severely transphobic, i usually can go through all the reblogs and the likes to find not a single pro-trans person trying to disagree with them, and so of course I go out of my way to block every single idiot who reblogged and liked the post just for fun (and also my safety). And you know what I see sometimes, when I do this? Very rarely, I'll see a supposedly "pro-trans" person in the notes. They usually have their pronouns in their bio. I can type in "trans" into their blog and see pro-trans posts. But they liked the severely transphobic post that had no actual pro-trans commentary added to it in any way. It's jarring, and I sometimes wonder if it's mistake. Maybe there was some pro-trans commentary and it got removed, so I can't see it? Maybe it was a misclick? After all, why would somebody who clearly cares about trans issues, based on what their blog is like, just go on the internet and lie about it?

The thing is, though...people do in fact go onto the internet and lie about it, like...all the time LMAO. if it gets them fucking clout or whatever, they'll do it. If it's popular to be an "ally" and they'll receive vitriol from everyone around if they're outwardly bigoted towards trans people, they'll pretend to be that ally. If their friends are trans and they're still in that realm of not understanding why they should give a shit or support them, and being confused by it, instead of trying to rethink what they believe about gender identity and shit, they just stop talking and pretend like they get it when they clearly don't, and still end up harbouring transphobic ideas. They just never say it to your face. I've had people be outwardly transphobic in my face, jot knowing at all that I'm trans, and being severely surprised when I tell them, hey you idiot I'm trans and you just said the worst shit ever. I always get the "oh but you're like...not like those trans people, though." Except I very much fucking am.

Allies pretending to give a shit but actually not giving a shit is EXTREMELY frequent and happens a lot when it comes to trans issues (and other issues too). Many of my "friends" were supportive of me as a trans person until shit hit the fan. They called me Ash and he/him until somebody didn't give a shit, and emboldened everyone else to also not give a shit, thereby proving that all my supposedly supportive friends...very much weren't supportive to begin with. This is not new. I am not surprised when some cis person who is loudly and openly a trans ally online and even in person suddenly is exposed as being a transphobic asshole. It's nothing fucking new to me. Because people do in fact, go onto the internet and lie. All the time. Every single damn day.

Does it mean that every cis ally is secretly a transphobic asshole? of course not. but when a cis ally is exposed as being a horrid transphobic cunt, do you really think it surprises me? do you really think i'm that shocked? because at this point it's like clockwork. lmfao.

[candiedcolloquium]

Also doing this will only ever reinforce toxic masculinity and the idea that men aren’t “real men” if they do any feminine or girly or weak things as decided by society. The gap between cis straight men and queer people will continue to grow wider and wider the more we pretend that there isn’t overlap in these groups or just quietly allow overlap without making a big deal about it, because that freaks a lot of men out when they’ve been raised believing there are right and wrong ways of being men!!!  It will only ever force men further into toxic gender roles because of how they will be alienated, shamed, emasculated, bullied, and assaulted by other men (and many cis straight women) who view their behavior as feminine and “wrong” as soon as that behavior is pointed out and attention is drawn to it. This does nothing to encourage people to come out or realize they are queer. Maybe sometimes it has that effect, but in most cases when strangers and even people they know personally are insisting that a trait or behavior they do means they’re trans or queer, they will just stop that behavior or suppress that trait out of shame!!!  And then when people DO end up being “right” about specific people or celebrities it just confirms to them that they can “tell.” Which is a super dangerous idea that either makes non-queer people uncomfortable, or actual closeted queer people not want to come out and therefore "encourage” the behavior. It’s the same idea that transphobes use in policing who does and does not belong in women’s bathrooms, this idea that appearances and traits can be used to absolutely determine someone’s gender or sexuality. Even if you think you’re doing this in an empowering supportive way it probably doesn’t come across that way and can still do real harm!! If you see a guy wearing nail polish or using women’s deodorant, that’s fucking great! He might still identify as a cis straight man at the end of the day, but it is super important and wonderful that that person feels comfortable straying outside of the strict masculine expectations society has placed on him. Pointing it out and making a big deal of it just ends up with less men feeling comfortable doing that. And any of those people that really were closeted will spend that much longer living in fear and shame and denial. If there are people who did have these similar thoughts before realizing they were trans or queer, the best thing you can do is just share your experience. Just say that! Don’t turn to every man who had a thought similar to you before transition and say “that means you’re trans jsyk,” (even just behind their back, as any other person who does the same thing will feel like they’re being called out) that is a very extreme thing that they might have never even considered before. Instead, if any man who wears women’s deodorant just reads or hears a story from a trans woman saying before she realized she was trans she always used women’s body care products, maybe they can stop and think about that behavior and analyze it. When they’re not put on the spot and instantly feeling defensive, they have the freedom to think, “oh wow, I do that too. I also do other things this person did, maybe I should read some reddit threads on how people realized they were trans and see if I relate”? Or they analyze this similarity and go “it’s not that deep for me, I just prefer the smell of lavender over cedar wood.”  Please stop contributing to the idea that men have to be perfectly masculine and strong and like blue and wear pants and smell like metal shavings and car oil or else they’re actually just women, it hurts everyone! Men will feel like they have to double down on their gender performance and call out any guy who deviates, men will continue to view the things women do as inferior and bad, men who cannot meet these super specific requirements to be seen as masculine will struggle with their mental health or be further radicalized, etc. etc. etc. 

calling every gnc cis person you see an "egg waiting to crack" even as a joke is not cool or funny at all actually it is extremely invasive and weird and you are just reinventing gender roles but making it "progressive"

[howaboutcastiel-personal]

So like (10/15/24)

I have three episodes left of heartstopper and I’m trying to spread them out because I don’t want to be done with it yet, but I also need to be done with it for the sake of my mental health. Because me and Charlie aren’t the same and me and Tori aren’t the same but the show is still affecting me more than I want it too. I mean obviously it’s a comfort show, and Charlie is surrounded by support.

I’m not like him though. I think he’s one of those characters you can’t be mad at because he’s the ‘right’ kind of mentally ill. Not the fat and annoying kind who’s chronically physically ill too. And you get little bites of abusive parents or ignorant extended family, but everyone is safe in the show. It’s not like that??? I mean, my dad won’t kill me. It’s just that beatings were not unheard of and slurs are still used every day and I had to have a breather today because I had to do damage control because my alcoholic grandmother made the chili wrong and I can’t let her know that I fixed the problem, but if I didn’t fix it then dad would blow up.

It’s like all of these little things that come together to just be insane. I went back and forth for forever about whether they abused me or still do. It isn’t like that right now because I avoid them actively. Mom still is the responsible one. I resent her for not leaving him forever ago. But her idea of family isn’t any better? Even if she left him it would still be her side of the family. I don’t know. I’m just mad.

Like I can’t forgive them. Politically I can’t forgive them because it’s all conditional. They could never love me as much as parents are supposed to love a child. And it isn’t even that I think I deserve love, I just know they aren’t capable of any kind of meaningful care, and I want to be free of them. And I want to keep writing about the boys too. Cobb and Din and the problems they have that aren’t really like mine but at least I can pretend.

And I don’t want to be trans either? I want to just be happy with being cis. I hate having dysphoria and I hate being confused. Maybe it would be better off if I was like Charlie then? Like maybe I just should stop eating instead? I miss high school where I did that. I miss losing 20 pounds effortlessly and not feeling guilty about every single thing.

I keep sleeping too much and then being tired. I miss being on prednisone where at least I was awake. All I want to do now is go back to sleep. Go back to bed. Not get out of bed and not eat. If only my dreams were more bearable, too. Last night they were just stressful instead of horrifying and traumatic. They’re usually stressful, and I think they always will be? Dreams are supposed to be a little confusing anyway. I just want them to be quieter maybe. I want to rest.

But I’m withdrawing right now. My face hurts from being swelled up, and my stomach hurts and my appetite sucks. And I want to go to bed. My muscles are sore and I know these are all withdrawal symptoms but what do I even do about it? No one has sympathy. Mimi is so angry at the world too and her health is so bad. I don’t get why we all have to keep trying every day.

I think everyone just keeps up the effort for dad and papaw. Which is fucking moronic. They deserve it the fucking least of anyone ever. Papaw deserves nothing. Nothing. Dad deserves even less and I resent him. They’re racist and sexist and homophobic and transphobic and they don’t care for their family and they never have. And they don’t deserve a goddamn good thing in the world and I’m tired of their stupid faces.

That would go for Ethan too but I never see him. He doesn’t even respond to mom’s texts, but somehow I’m the fuck up kid. I don’t care anymore because I don’t even think about him anymore. It’s like I don’t even have a brother. I know my parents wish I was gone, too, but then who would do their fucking laundry?

[somedeadbeatloz3r69]

ventish

my dad was showing me pictures of younger me. saying how I wasn't 'confused on who I was then' or 'didn't worry about anything' because I was younger. (I cried n went up 2 my room cuz yk!!) and then he came in my room and apologized. etc etc, he asked 'do you not wanna be a girl?' I said as I was like crying n breaking down 'i do.' that was a lie . 'do you not want me to treat you like a girl?' again, I lied. 'i do' and he said something similar to 'no matter what you wanna be our relationship will always stay the same' or some shit like that. and it made me remember and realize that if my dad married a person who was supportive of trans people he also would've been supportive, or atleast less tphobic. as much as I tried to mean the 'i do', as much as I wanted to, as much as I know it'd be easier being a cis girl, I know I'm not deep down. I don't wanna be treated like a girl. I don't wanna look like a girl. sometimes I do though. but as much as I try to convince myself i'm cis, as much as I lie and tell myself my entire life would be better if I were, it's hard to say 'i am cis'. this is just a vent post, this post was basically 'never here'. if u read this as a moot, maybe like or reply or something, but pretend as if i never posted it

[ghostofpolaris]

Well, I think I am going to take out information down on my gender identity and sexuality as I am quietly questioning (and panicking) over both right now. I will leave my pronouns up for sure still but until I can get a solid feel for both, I feel like it is wrong for me to fully identify a certain way anymore and will take that information down to prevent possible issues. Both seemed like for sure fields tbh for years but I think as I have healed from a ton of trauma, I actually think stuff is probably changing (which is good? maybe?? idk I am scared). Tbh any advice would be appreciated on both matters. I'll explain further on both topics under the cut for anyone curious. <3

More details under the cut:

So, as quick of a TLDR as I can make this out to be, let me explain both: I am born AFAB (please please please for the love of the gods I do not want radfems interaction please and thanks) and for years as a kid especially I felt comfortable taking on "princely" roles when it came to play pretend with girls. I always felt happy being their knight in shining armor (I know it's cringe bear with me) and their prince but I liked mainly feeling closer to a girl and presenting myself in a feminine way. Forgive me btw, I am fairly ignorant on proper terminology because I grew up in a place where getting support for matters like this was next to impossible. I noticed more often than not, I always seemed drawn to girls and fem presenting people IRL. Fictional men were nice, but mainly my focus seemed to be fem-presenting people (I hope I got the term right). I wondered if I possibly was trans too, as a lot of characters I did relate to a lot were characters like Link from Legend of Zelda or now even Stolas from Helluva Boss for example and it was a cycle of, "Do I like this person or want to be them or both?" until I thought, "Oh! I must be genderfluid because using He/They/She pronouns feels right!". That was back around 2019 or so, and tbh I just feel like an imposter now because I noticed my gender didn't feel as "fluid" as others had it. I noticed I gravitated more toward They/She and thought, "Oh wait am I cis after all???" but that didn't feel right either as I notice I don't entirely like using She/Her pronouns either. Once again, I feel almost stuck wondering if maybe I am straight up non-binary or not or if the reason I feel feminine in any capacity is because of my system (I have DID for context) who mostly are feminine in some way. Same thing goes for the sexuality side of things. Especially when I was younger, the first person I truly felt like I had a real crush on was a girl who was actually my bully in middle school (I know I was a fool) who was essentially the Hans to my Anna (I am so sorry but literally I have no other clue how to compare it because the comparison is quite spot on in my eyes). She was someone I was happy to let myself get kicked around for and wait on her hand and foot. I was happy to be a walking carpet for her and sacrifice anything just for an ounce of her love and in truth? I never actually had those kinds of feelings for any masculine kind of individuals.

Fictional men? Oh absolutely fine! Fictional WOMEN??? Even Better (Felicia Hardy you will ALWAYS have my heart tbh). Like, as awful as this may seem, the men I have dated I feel like I only dated them out of pity because they liked me and I felt bad and did not want to say no to them. This tbh led to a lot of trauma for me, yet I still somehow gravitated back toward cis men mostly that I never really felt a genuine connection with. I dated two (At the time) women in my life and for some reason even though I dealt with a ton of bs from them, I felt more inclined to date a woman again versus a man.

Back in middle to high school, I was stuck wondering if I was bisexual or lesbian, and poor poor exes of mine I literally felt so bad I could not figure it out and just assumed I was bi. Though another kicker came in: I really am not that interested in sex. I have had trauma with it yes, and tbh as awful as this may seem, I assumed it was from trauma. Yet I healed, and grew, and that didn't seem to be the case as time went on. I had experimented (tbh I wanted Taco Bell more than I wanted that person soooo oops...) and I figured, "Oh! This means I am Asexual!" Yet I still feel more romantic feelings toward fem people mostly. I stupidly thought being bisexual in highschool was transphobic (I learned better since them) and went with the identity of Pansexual, then Panromantic Asexual when I learned that being Panromantic existed, but now I once again am at a crossroads here too. I notice I have been really feeling my heart flutter seeing pretty feminine people more, and even wondered if I was even demisexual versus straight up asexual. I have done a lot of healing and I wondered if I too was sucked into the wormhole that is comphet but I just don't know. I don't really know who to talk to about it all and I can't help but go, "Oh I can't be lesbian because I am not a cis female" but learned you CAN be nonbinary and lesbian. Then I go, "but wait I can't be a lesbian if I like fictional men right??" but sure enough, I see lesbians who adore fictional men. I almost wonder if Bisexual was correct, but yet it just does not feel 100% right.

I even tried to go on the app Boo to find friends mostly, but I did mention I would be happy to try and date later down the road as I had a lot of healing to do. I met some guys that I figured could be cool friends, but I noticed that the only person I was even remotely interested in that liked me too was a guy in France who dressed in a feminine way and presented himself in a feminine manner. Like, it was to the point that I felt supremely fluttery in my chest and felt a sense of giddiness. It isn't entirely the same as the feelings I had for a friend of mine who is a girl. I almost feel sad thinking on it because I know she wouldn't probably like me back as she has so much going on and she has had friends confess to her and made her uncomfortable and I'd never want to do anything to hurt her, but man I think about her and my heart just soars. If you ever hear the song Heaven's Light from The Hunchback of Notre Dame, this is exactly how I feel about her. She makes me feel like I have a Morticia Addams of my own and thinking about how much my heart almost aches for her is hard to really encapsulate in words. I promise this is not some sappy love confession or anything, I want to respect her and she still lights up my life even though we are only friends. I just do not get the same kinds of feelings about a masculine individual unless fictional. I wasn't sure if it is me or the system or anything like that, but any advice would be great tbh minus the, "Just be patient with yourself! This takes time!" thing. No offense, but I am 28 years old and tbh as a system this I think is different than the average, "be patient with yourself thing". Yet the more I write, the more I wonder if I am answering my own questions too tbh. Sorry for the lengthy post!