#'they were never trans they were always cis pretending to be trans' or maybe. just maybe. their feelings and self perception changed

[mihai-florescu]

"no binaries" but you still believe there are only the options of being cis or trans...?

[antiyourwokehomophobia2]

i read your post you tagged “if you take nothing else from this blog let it be this”

and i’m glad i did because it paints a really great picture of your ideology

“i have nothing in common with trans women,” you say, and then you proceed to describe in vivid detail some obviously painful memories from your childhood that stayed with you: begging god to “fix” you, being viewed as dangerous by your peers for your identity.

you’re so right, when trans women were children everyone always clapped them on the back and said “great job today buddy we accept you!”

they never felt alienated, they were never treated as predators whilst being mere children, and they certainly never hoped a higher power would make them normal.

nothing human is alien to yourself and i’m sorry you think you have not an inch of common ground with 50% of the earth. i hope you’re very young, that would explain this really defensive, combative and self-isolating stance you’ve taken.

i’m a cis woman who was also bullied in middle school for being gay so unfortunately you cannot write this off as another “angry man” or whatever, but i expect you’ll find some other way to dismiss this criticism, or maybe you’ll pretend you didn’t read it despite me reading your much longer vitriolic post.

i’m not saying you have to love and welcome trans women into Our Spaces—although i wish you did feel that way—but specifically i’m baffled that you think you have NOTHING in common with them solely because they were born with a penis. are genitals really that defining of a human being? i personally don’t find it super feminist to reduce my entire identity and human experience down to my having a vagina.

No, anon, I’m not going to pretend that I didn’t read this ask. I do acknowledge and appreciate two things:

You took the time to read my post. If I can be honest, I thought it’d be a bigger hit, and the fact it wasn’t is at least partially contributed to its length, I’m sure.

Even though you clearly disagree with me, this ask is respectful. I really do appreciate that.

With that out of the way, I would like to give you a response.

““I have nothing in common with trans women,” you say, and then you proceed to describe in vivid detail some obviously painful memories from your childhood that stayed with you: begging god to “fix” you, being viewed as dangerous by your peers for your identity.

you’re so right, when trans women were children everyone always clapped them on the back and said “great job today buddy we accept you!”

they never felt alienated, they were never treated as predators whilst being mere children, and they certainly never hoped a higher power would make them normal.”

I would like to point out that the post I made was specifically talking about “lesbian” trans women. In the beginning, I speak a bit generally about trans women as a whole, but my post was mainly about straight males who claim to be lesbians. I'm willing to accept that I have plenty in common with homosexual trans women (trans women into males) because we are both gay. Not only that, but I can relate to being so gnc that I’d rather just be the opposite sex. However, this part of your ask does not make nearly as much sense if we are talking about heterosexual trans women. Yes. Straight males very much so are considered normal. I think where people like you and people like me get into the most arguments is that we can't decide who is and who is not a trans woman. You seem to view them as tortured minorities who struggled since childhood. And some of them are—mostly the homosexual ones, but the thing is that men with sissy fetishes or autogynephilia also call themselves trans women. “But they’re not!” is what you’re probably saying, right? Those men are perverts, right? Okay, but they call themselves trans women. How do you know who's telling the truth or not? How do we prevent the liars from hurting women? What is stopping a man with a fucked up fetish from identifying as trans, entering a woman’s bathroom, and assaulting someone? You might be thinking that if a man wants to assault somebody, a woman's bathroom sign isn't going to stop him from doing so, but the thing is, if you make it a law that anybody can go into whatever bathroom they want to go into, it then becomes asinine to call the police on him. The police can't do anything because how do they know he doesn't belong there? Do you understand why this whole thing causes women such great pause?

You and I can trade pathos all day. I can tell you sad stories from my childhood growing up gay. You can talk to me about a sad boy crying in his room wishing he was a girl. It always comes back to “who do you care about more?” If a teenage girl talks about feeling genuine discomfort over males being allowed in the school locker rooms and a teenage boy talks about how much he wishes he had access to the girl locker rooms because he “feels” like a girl, whose side do you take? Who do you care about more? I will always choose women and gay people.

I left something out of my post, anon. It wasn't relevant but now I think it is. I've talked about this before but when I was a kid I struggled greatly with the fact that I was black. I can say with full confidence that I had racial dysphoria. I wanted to be white so badly. Both of my parents are black people, but I used to ask people if I could pass as half white. It was pretty bad. Would you have told me that I was meant to be born white? No? Then why do you think it’s okay to tell someone they’re meant to be born the opposite sex? Why is sex the only thing people are allowed to say is “wrong” about them? How ingrained are biases about sex that people look at a little boy playing with dolls, say “he’s supposed to be a girl”, and a disturbing amount of people say “true!”? That’s insane! Imagine if someone looked at a white person eating watermelon and said they were meant to be born black? That’s how people with your ideology sound. You don’t think you sound that way because you’ve had so many people backing you up, but if you can tell me why racial dysphoria isn’t valid but gender dysphoria is, I’ll reconsider everything. It is my “bad” luck I was born black, anon. There is nothing I can do to change that. Some boy wishing he was a girl is a sad thing, sure, but it’s simply a matter of tough luck lmao. He shouldn’t suddenly get everything he wants just because of that.

“nothing human is alien to yourself and i’m sorry you think you have not an inch of common ground with 50% of the earth.  i hope you’re very young, that would explain this really defensive, combative and self-isolating stance you’ve taken.

i’m a cis woman who was also bullied in middle school for being gay so unfortunately you cannot write this off as another “angry man” or whatever, but i expect you’ll find some other way to dismiss this criticism, or maybe you’ll pretend you didn’t read it despite me reading your much longer vitriolic post.

i’m not saying you have to love and welcome trans women into Our Spaces—although i wish you did feel that way—but specifically i’m baffled that you think you have NOTHING in common with them solely because they were born with a penis. are genitals really that defining of a human being?  i personally don’t find it super feminist to reduce my entire identity and human experience down to my having a vagina.”

50% of the population? You and I have been talking about trans women this whole time. Are they 50% of the population? Are you talking about men when you say this? Why? This is a bit of a freudian slip, anon. Seems like I’m not the only one here who knows trans women and men are the same thing.

I do think that “nothing human is alien to yourself” is a beautiful phrase, and I do agree! There are men and straight people I can relate to just fine. But I don’t agree with calling males lesbians and I don’t agree that people can be born in the wrong body. I am defensive and combative. Women and lesbians are actively being threatened. Self-isolating though? No, I don’t think so. I don't feel isolated at all. In fact, I think being open about my views has led to me being close to people I never would’ve thought. And even if my views did lead to my isolation, I would much rather be alone than with people who are actively hurting women and gay people.

“i’m baffled that you think you have NOTHING in common with them solely because they were born with a penis.” I can concede that saying “nothing” was more emotion based than logic based, but I think that the straight male experience is pretty damn different from the lesbian one. The male experience, in general, is pretty different from what I’ve had. That’s what I was speaking about. 

“are genitals really that defining of a human being?” I don’t know about how much they define a human being, anon, but they definitely do contribute a lot to how the world treats you. If you have a penis, the world treats you a shit ton better than they do if you have a vagina. That’s just facts. Nobody can help being born with a penis, but the world is not a fair place. Also, for a trait that is apparently so neutral, people with penises manage to commit 90% of all violent crime. What do you make of that? If genitals are really neutral, why isn’t the crime rate between people with vaginas and people with penises a 50-50 split? You said yourself that nothing human is an alien concept to other humans, so if women go through the same experiences men do, why is there such a large disparity in crime? Why can women go through the things men do (and worse, let’s be real) and generally not end up as criminals? What is it about having a penis that contributes to this?

“I personally don’t find it super feminist to reduce my entire identity and human experience down to my having a vagina.” I never said women are only their vaginas. If I tried to talk about racism, I would not be “reducing black people down to their skin color”. There is no reason why talking about the female experience should be met with claims I’m reducing women down to their vaginas.

[seriousbrat]

it’s so interesting to see how the interpretation of teen (boy) behavior in books has changed since they were written. it’s mostly for the better, but i think it does cause some people to refuse to engage in good faith with the source material, or on its own terms. i’ve loved hp since i was a kid, but i had never interacted at all with the fan side of things until maybe a year ago, and it was very odd (on the whole — which is why i’ve mostly just stuck to a handful of blogs with great fics and meta, like yours) to see how a lot of the text is taken now, compared to how my friends and i understood it at the time. i think its totally fair — and good, on a cultural level — to point out that the boy who pulls your pigtails isn’t being cute, and your male friend being in love with you doesn’t mean you owe him anything. but it’s also like … kind of intentionally closing the eyes to how these parts of the story are meant to come across? and i am not coming in here as some kind of “boys will be boys” person, but teenagers are messy in their relationships and their friendships, and more relevantly, it’s very clear what types of dynamics are being presented by the text. and it can be fun to pick apart what kinds of narratives are meant to be taken as romantic in different stories written in different times/places and why, but to look at the story on a story level you’ve got to also work with what it gives you.

Yes I think you make a very good point! I agree and personally I think both Snape and James would be written slightly differently if they were written today. Also, imo there's an element of wishful thinking coupled with naivety (and this has always existed tbf) when people who haven't ever been cis teenage boys try to write cis teenage boys haha. Like the 'closing of eyes' isn't always intentional. I know I keep going on about the Inbetweeners but I literally think watching that as a teen myself gave me an insight that I can never take back about what teenage boys are like haha.

Like this isn't to say that teenage boys are all exactly alike, or that there's some inherent, natural difference between boys and girls in terms of mentality or personality, but there is a social difference, generally speaking, a constructed one that happens because boys and girls are raised and socialised in a patriarchy. It's obviously not universal at all, and that's not even accounting for trans kids and the complexities they face, because even among cis boys and girls or men and women there's endless variety, and gender absolutely does not determine personality, interests, etc. Unfortunately it does influence them, though, that's our reality.

In terms of fiction, especially fanfic, obv one is free to do as they please. But there is such a thing as narrative voice, which can be an important thing to consider. Again when it comes to fanfiction it Does Not Matter that much, it's for fun, but in published fiction (or if you care about quality ig) it just is something you should consider. This is where the 'Men Writing Women' thing comes in, where you read something so obviously written by a man who doesn't understand how women (generally) think or speak or act at all. And in our patriarchal society such usually ends up being offensive and has often been overlooked and accepted when it shouldn't be. I don't think it's helpful to pretend men can't write women either, since plenty of male authors write female characters beautifully and the rest shouldn't be let off the hook. If you can't write women, skill issue and you shouldn't be published.

Anyway it's vastly more forgivable and understandable, and it pains me to say it but I think you can sometimes tell when it's a woman writing a man or a boy too. I will say on the whole I think women are better at writing men than the reverse haha, probably because we've been socialised to empathise with men whereas boys are not taught (by society) to empathise with women. Maybe women even empathise a little too much tbh. Maybe that's the problem, like we subconsciously over-project our ideals onto male characters, making them too nice, too woke, too cuddly, too sweet, because that's what we want to see, and leaving out the nastier elements that are so common. Again, that's not necessarily a problem!! Only if you're trying to create a realistic, effective portrayal of a certain (average) type of teenage boy-- which you don't have to do. I'd raise my eyebrows at an unrealistic portrayal much more in published fiction than fanfiction personally.

And ofc you can always choose to write a character who diverges from the accepted norm, but to do so effectively has to be a deliberate choice and done thoughtfully. For a boy like James, who is very average, the norm, he's decent enough but no Woke Feminist King haha. He's not meant to be.

Anyway, I think that's why the Marauders et al (including Death Eaters lol) are nowadays often portrayed like sweet little babies who all cuddle and take care of each other and respect women LOL. Like whatever, it's escapism haha, it's understandable. But sometimes I do think a lot of these people have never really interacted with many gay men or know what their culture is like. lmao. straight men maybe, but in a limited way. if you've ever had the misfortune to be with a group of cishet men who are talking freely with each other you'll know what I mean. again this is GENERAL. and socially constructed, not inherent. but very common nevertheless.

[cericertain]

so they wanna be transphobic and block me so lets dissect this shall we?

you said something in bad faith and untrue. being transmasc and/or transfem is not a third gender. it is an umbrella term for anyone who falls under it.

i said "hey thats not what those words mean, also trans identities are not dictated by agab, that is gross to say. maybe be open minded to why people feel this way instead of being hateful"

i got told "you are implied i was a bio essentialist (no i didnt but if the show fits, yea?)" and to kill myself.

then you post about me in bad faith, pissing yourself for the same shit but in the most TERFy way (implying trans people just wanna 'put on a costume' of their identity and will never be a REAL XYZ. also here they act as if being transfem is a strict identity. same thing they accused me of before? mind you i never said what they said here. i said defining a trans experience so narrowly is counter productive. didnt we learn from when they tried to define woman to exclude us? (trans people as a whole). yet, now you wish to change the definiton of trans woman (didnt even know we were enforcing one? wtf?) to be a strictly binary amab person who experiences things in a strict way. it is gross. what is this? transmed/truscum discourse? jfc.

then you are transphobic again. for no reason other than "i wanna go through your account and bitch about whatever i can". very classy, and very typical for trans exclusionists.

and then you post about me AGAIN without knowing shit about me. or any of my system. or the shit we have faced. as if we haven't experienced some of the worst of transphobia online and offline for years. as if we are "cis people pretending" (same thing they say against nonbinary people, xenogenders, neos, etc. yall always use the same fucking ideology to harm trans people and get shocked when you are called out for it)

also i am very for treating people as their identity, you, however, dont seem to be. oh and ofc the final little telling me to off myself because how dare someones trans idenity break how you see gender. wow. lovely. you really think you are morally correct here and it is astounding.

[zoestormwriting]

TEASER: To Own the Libs, chapter one.

Heyo! Here's chapter one of my next novel To Own the Libs, due to be released on September 1st! I'm posting this chapter online as a teaser, to whet your appetite a bit.

This book can be preordered from Amazon and other online stores; the itch version and the paperback will be added on the date of release (I can't set up preorders for them).

The teaser chapter can be downloaded from itch by clicking the link above 👆 and is available as EPUB and PDF; a small part can also be found behind the readmore cut right here 👇

(Do note that this chapter has the following CWs: deliberate misgendering, bigotry, slurs related to sexuality, use of alcohol including underage drinking, and drunkenness.)

“I honestly can’t believe it,” I said as we half-stumbled through the door to our dorm room, my words slurred by the booze coursing through my veins. “That was supposed to be a woman?”

“Nuh… Not a woman,” Joe drawled back. “You heard him. He’s non-binary or sumthin’.”

I waved my hand dismissively. “Saaaaaaaaaaame difference,” I replied, drawing the first word out. “Remember, Joe, there’s only men and women. Nothing else. And she clearly wasn’t a man, so she must have been a woman.”

Joe’s eyes stared into the void for a second, completely unfocused, as he tried to concentrate; in the end, he finally grasped the thought he’d been chasing after. “Nah again, bro. Remember what we talked about earlier today?”

I took my shoes off, almost tripping in the process, and flopped down on my bed, turning my head to look at Joe. “What are you talking about?”

“Y’know. The thing. A man pretending to be a woman. To get into women’s changing rooms,” he explained, as he sat down on his own bed.

I frowned. “Someone should do something about it.”

It was my room-mate's turn to wave his hand dismissively. “Nothing we can do about it. He says he’s a woman…”

“Non-binary,” I interjected.

“Same difference. He says it, and no one can disprove it. In fact, we could get in trouble for doubting him.”

“…It’s not fair.”

“It’s not,” he replied. “But it is what it is.”

Joe stood up and closed the door; since we hadn’t bothered to turn the lights on, the room was filled with darkness. I heard some rustling – Joe was taking his clothes off before going to bed. A small part of my brain wondered if I should do the same; the bigger part, though, was occupied in thinking about something else.

It wasn’t fair. Someone could just say they were a woman, and everyone was supposed to believe it? Just like that? Sight unseen? Without any proof?

It wasn’t fair. You couldn’t just become a woman. You couldn’t just be a woman. That just wasn’t how it worked.

Men were men, and women were women. There was no way to change that simple fact, no matter how desperately someone wished for it. No matter how bad they felt about themselves.

Yes, of course, there must be some people for whom gender… dysplasia? Dyslexia? Dysmorphia?

Dysphoria.

There must be surely some people who suffer from gender dysphoria, but those were most certainly few and far in-between. I was absolutely sure most of the so-called trans women and trans-feminine non-binary people I sometimes spotted on campus were just pretending. Just… doing it to get ahead.

After all, life is much easier for trans people than it is for men, right? Everyone always tells them they’re so brave.

Everyone literally worships the ground they walk on.

Someone had to do something. There must be some way to prove that someone who wasn’t trans (cis, I distantly recalled the term being) could just transition out of the blue, without needing to have gender dysphoria, just pretend to be trans, and that was that.

Maybe if someone actually did it? Transition, I mean? To prove it was possible? Someone who had never thought about becoming a woman before in their entire life. Someone who didn’t suffer from gender dysphoria. Someone like… Like…

“Joe. You still awake?” I asked the darkness.

“Hwuh? Yeah,” came the answer, in a sleepy voice. “Whassup?”

“Tell me a girl’s name.”

There was a long pause.

“Dude, what the fuck?” Joe said, finally.

“Tell me a name. A girl’s name.”

“What the hell, man?”

I sighed deeply. “Just do it, please.”

“Okay. Anna.”

“…What the fuck? No!” I exclaimed.

“What? You asked me for a girl’s name!”

“Not that one!”

“Okay, okay. What then?”

I sighed again. “I dunno. What are girls named after? Flowers, maybe?”

Silence once again.

“Dude, did you fall asleep on me?” I asked.

“Nah man, just thinking. What about Rose?”

“Do I look like an old lady to you? The kind that goes ‘It’s been eighty-six years’ when asked for the time?”

“Uh… What?” Joe said. “Why is this suddenly about you?”

I waved my hand in the air, even though he couldn’t see it in the darkness. “Never mind. Come on, tell me another.”

“Okay. Iris.”

“Isn’t that a part of the eye?”

“Also a flower,” he replied, but the last word was cut out by a yawn – Joe was clearly about to fall asleep.

“Pass. Tell me another.”

“Amaranth.”

I turned my head and frowned in the direction his voice had come from. “The fuck’s an amaranth?”

“A flower. Isn’t that what you asked for?”

“Pass.”

The silence stretched longer this time.

“Dude? You still awake?”

“Bwuh?”

“I said ‘pass.’ Give me another.”

“Fiiiine. Lily.”

All the names Joe had said thus far had bounced off my brain; ‘Lily’ though, for some reason, floated right in, settled down, and made herself a nice nest deep into my mind.

I turned around, lying on my back, and stared at the darkness above me.

Joe began to snore softly.

“Lily,” I whispered as I fell asleep.

[the-vibing-ghoul]

i really hate most queer spaces because theyre so (for the lack of a better word) pc. Every time i go to any support group for trans and queer people I feel alienated cause my trauma isn't caused by cis men. I still remember when i opened up one time about how i was still uncomfortable around women even after years of work which resulted in one of the leaders of said group asking me to meet her in private (something which i clearly stated i was not okay with because of, as previously stated, having been abused by women in my life which resulted in fear of being alone with one). I was told I was making the ''women and femmes'' feel unsafe with the ideology i was spreading. When i asked what ideology i was spreading by sharing my experience i got told i was a mysogynist and should word my experience more carefully so that the trans women (there was 1 in the group who supported me through the whole thing) don't feel attacked. I'm not going to pretend i acted cool. i lost my shit cause she just decided that the shit that happened to me had no impact on the way i am. because if she did she would have to stop pretending that women are always the victims and never the abusers, that women are 2d gentle creatures incapable of doing harm. Worst of all she tried to somehow make the abuse i experienced seem liek it was actually the fault of my father, or my brother, saying that my mother was just tired and overworked which is of course why she beat the shit out of me. It was simply a way for her to regulate her emotions in my ''patriarchal home'' as she called it. Yes it might have ended in me having my brain damaged beyond repair from the impact of shit she threw at my head over the years and maybe my hands can't move all that well because of how she used to pull on them until i couldnt feel my fingers but have i considred that she is a woman and therefore always the victim? No matter what she does we can't criticize her in our cutesy support group for queers who might have some bad experiences but they should keep those to themselves really. What if the trans girl who is also there because she's traumatised and hurting gets her feelings hurt? What if the one cis lesbian in the group gets offended? Well that didn;t happen and they were very understanding and supportive BUT WHAT IF? No of course there's nothing weird about a support group leader speaking over people who are actually there and thinking she knows better how the queers feel about it than the actual queers themselves, why would you think that?

[gaz-light]

CW: Me but ugly

Ya know what fuck it. I don't intend to this mid week. I wanna do it now while I've got the time and honestly I'm a bit excited.

This is John. He's the guy I used to be. I don't have many other pictures of him but I saved these ones for this purpose. They're some of the few I could stand for some reason.

It's hard to think I ever used to look like that. Think or act the way I did. You could go back right now and tell him the events of the past like year or so and honestly he'd probably understand it. Would be too scared as shit nervous and doubtful to ever believe it. Hated himself too much to imagine it being this way.

This is how I started off on Hormones 1 year ago. 5/31/22. Somewhere between 11/7/21 and 4/9/22 everything went to shit. I crashed my motorcycle and broke my arm, ended up broke, didnt get into grad school, the girl I was madly in love with just let me know I was being replaced by someone with a pussy. It took about everything happy in my life turning to shit over night to finally crack the egg that I had been growing in for so long.

There were signs before. Things I always knew. Always hung out with girls. Liked sapphic content. Felt detachment from peers of my agab, enjoyed pretending at being an internet femboy. Horribly autistic. Fucking hated my body. Hated hated hated hated hated. I had a closeted sissy kink and dressed up FOR YEARS. So much more. Eventually I started hooking up with trannies the same way I hooked up with lesbians and things began to click. Something in me thought ya know what, I don't have to just admire and adore and yearn for them. Then a good friend of mine consoling me one April night more or less extended an invitation and I didn't look back.

And then she was born. I think these photos are from maybe a month post starting HRT. Would you believe I hadn't seen myself without facial hair in like 10 years before this point. I hadn't shaved it all off since I was 13. I'm hispanic. Greek and Cuban so I've had this accursed facial and body hair for fucking ever. I was so afraid the first time I picked up that razor. I didnt know if I'd like what was on the other side. I felt safe and secure in the validation I got from other people that I thought it'd be ok if I was just unhappy with myself forever. I hated whatever I was so much that I didnt have the energy to care for her.

Then I shaved.

I looked in the mirror and I thought that girl looked kinda cute. For the first time I really didnt think I looked so bad. My friends were very supportive thankfully. Not everyone was. Certainly not dear old dad who still wont call me by my name or gender me properly. The man who told me god had cursed him with 2 faggots. My little trans brother and I. The man who let me know I was a disappointment and that neither I or anyone of us were real women. I still havent forgiven him for so much. But I am trying to let it go. Even the cis people were kinda nice. I lost some who were kinda edgy friends from highschool. Nothing of value was lost.

Since then I've worked to navigate the professional world as a woman. My first boss at my first real post college job was this British woman from England who made my life kinda hell. Preyed upon and picked on me and embarrassed me professionally. One of the 2 other women at the office. She never would admit to it but I think she resented me for it. I was also the only tranny there. Well sorta. There was 1 other who worked down in facilities doing the trash and dishes for the labs. But not up there. Not on the 8th floor with us in the "war room".

And this is where and who we are now 1 year later. Same eyes. Same 5'0 looking ass. But happier. Smiles when she looks in the mirror. Can actually do things for herself. Set boundaries. Care. Maybe she can even love too. I've placed myself into countless lesbian romance fantasies and I feel like I have a shot at living them. I used to be like 200 pounds. I'm down to 128 and also built like a brick house full of muscle. I was horrified of being trapped in that body of mine forever and the fear and doubt that I'd never make it even this far scared me into doing nothing until i had little else to lose.

Let me leave you with some wise advice that friend who cracked my egg once gave to me: The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago. The second best time is right now.

Transitioning was the best decision I ever made for myself. Happy birthday Morrigan. I love you.

[moodr1ng]

honestly im starting to rly dislike these "you dont need hrt to pass" "you dont need to lose weight to pass" posts bc its pretending passing is like, a thing unaffected by social norms and expectations and frankly its conflating "passing" with like, being legitimate in your gender as a trans person which is insane to me.

like, i started to socially transition at 15. shaved my head, wore mens clothes exclusively, wore at least one binder every single time i was outside (and typically at home too) if not two binders on top of each other, i shaved my hairline into a more masculine shape, i shaved my peach fuzz and put mascara on my sideburns and eyebrows, i never did anything slightly gender non-conforming because even the idea of painting my nails black sounded way too feminine, and i never passed. at best i would passingly be referred to as "young man" until i opened my mouth, at which point hearing my voice had everyone correct themselves to "miss" while profusely apologizing and reassuring me i definitely didnt look like a man. i could be in baggy jeans, a big hoodie, two binders and a shaved head and random men would still approach me on the street to hit on me. no efforts were ever enough. i did everything in my power and i never passed, until i started hrt at 21. 6 years of trying so hard and never succeeding, and in 6 months on t i could stealth as a cis man.

and thats like, because passing is not a judgment on how trans you are nor is it something removed from society. i didnt pass not because i wasnt "valid", not because i was doing something wrong, not because i failed in some way, but because passing is not something anyone can just decide to do regardless of anything else. passing depends on how other people see you. and because it does, it will always be influenced by other peoples biases rather than any of your beliefs.

so yeah, sometimes if youre fat thatll make people clock you. it did for me. sometimes before hrt you wont be able to pass. i didnt. i dont think just burying your head in the sand and insisting thats never true is actually helpful for anyone. i think it wouldve just made me feel like shit, honestly, when i was trying so fucking hard to pass and i couldnt pass for reasons outside of my control - to be told that actually, those things didnt matter and i didnt need them to pass. like, what does that imply about the real reasons im not passing, then??

you dont need hrt to be the gender you are. you dont need to lose weight to be the gender you are. you dont need any transition tools to be the gender you are. you dont need to cut your hair or grow it out, you dont need any particular clothing, you dont need any visible changes to be the gender that you are. and you also really do not need to pass to be the gender that you are, and if you dont pass - whether or not youre trying to - that means exactly nothing about you or your gender. maybe lets focus on that.

[llyfrenfys]

See I'm not aro but I really appreciate the concept of amatonormativity. I'm very much alloromantic and allosexual, but amatonormativity impacts everyone.

(Heads up, this post got long. Hopefully it makes sense and I didn't make too many typos)

For example, when I was in primary school (and back then everyone treated me like a 'girl' because nobody knew I was a trans boy then) I was 'shipped' with a cis boy in my class against my will.

At that point in time, I had no desire to be in a relationship with anyone. I was just a kid doing kid stuff yanno?

Now the cis boy in my class, we'll call him F, he was speculated to be gay by many fellow kids and adults in his life. I knew of adults who would speculate on his sexuality because he wanted the princess toppers off of the top of my birthday cake one year. I still don't know if F is gay or not, but I kinda had gaydar go off with him too. But that doesn't prove anything. The bottom line is, F was assumed to be gay.

I, on the other hand, was very much not feminine and would be masculine at every opportunity. I even specifically remember seeing the tomboy in our class and thinking (paraphrased) 'I relate to that experience, but not quite' (cue impending realisation of transmasculinity). So on my end you had kids and adults in my life (correctly) picking up on my queerness and speculating about it.

So, the stage is set. I'm maybe 10ish years old. I'm still seen as a 'girl' but also assumed queer. F is seen as a boy but also assumed queer. And I don't know when or where it began but people started shipping me and F together.

I had no desire to be with F, date him or whatever. As far as I was concerned he was just another kid in my class. But adults in my life started arranging playdates and more or less forcing us to spend time with each other. I didn't enjoy F's company because he liked playing WW2 and would always pressure me into play-pretending I was a teacher during WW2 and would snap at me if I made any errors. Genuinely we just didn't get along.

But amatonormativity is a hell of a drug and once the adults started shipping me and F together, kids in class started to join in too. People in my friend group would sometimes sing Love Is In the Air whenever F was near me. I hated it and I actually ended up getting hurt running away from their singing because I slipped on a patch of black ice I hadn't seen.

Soon it was intolerable and I'd begun to feel powerless in my own life because people shipped me and F so much that eventually everyone assumed that we'd started dating. We hadn't. But eventually F began to believe it too and of course adults in our lives arranged more playdates (with the explicit goal of making them become date dates).

I was miserable with this situation- looking back I'm fairly sure that the whole situation was a mix of heteronormativity (and correcting any queerness on my or F's end) and amatonormativity. Years later, thinking about the whole situation, I'm really thankful we have terminology to describe these kinds of normativity now since those terms just straight up didn't exist at the time it was happening.

Anyway, the inevitable conclusion of the whole debacle was that I eventually had enough and tried to look for ways to put a stop to everyone's assumptions and shipping me with someone I didn't want to date. In the UK we leave primary school at age 11 after sitting exams called SATs. So one day, after we'd finished all our SATs, I invited F to my house to look at my stamp collection (yes, I collected stamps as a kid. Yes I am also nd). I knew I needed to tell my parents beforehand since they were very much pro-forcing this relationship on me. So I sheepishly told them I didn't want to date F at all and never wanted to in the first place. When they blew up at me I managed to reason that F was going to a different high school to me and that I didn't want a long-distance 'relationship'. Eventually, that reasoning worked.

F came to my house later that night and came upstairs to where I was. I didn't want to be in this relationship at all but I didn't want to be an asshole to him so I let him down gently and explained I didn't want to be in that relationship and that we were going to different schools anyway so it was more practical to break things off (and also get the adults in my life to back off about the whole thing). He seemed to take it well, until the next day at school.

In the playground he walked up to me, I was picking dandelions and making wishes. Out of nowhere he turned to me, told me to my face that I was "a waste of human life and space" and then stormed off.

I was dumbfounded- and hurt, of course. Because Jesus, talk about an overreaction. I later found out a family member of his told him to say that to me.

This post is getting long but the bottom line is- I never consented to dating F, therefore I do not count that relationship as being real. And like, the whole sorry situation could have been avoided if people weren't hell-bent on correcting queerness with forcing queer people to be in a het-appearing 'relationship'. And the pressure of amatonormativity to assume everyone always wants to be in a relationship.

TLDR: I'm very thankful to the whole aro community for their work in creating and expanding the concept of amatonormativity. It gives this alloro langauge to be able to process what happened to him as a kid and it makes me feel better for not wanting to date F because of my own boundaries.

I'm very happily in a relationship now and have been for many years. But the bottom line is that nobody should be forced to be in a relationship if they don't want to be. I'm in a relationship by choice now, but for those who don't desire relationships at all, they deserve to feel happy and unbothered by amatonormativity. Hopefully any of this ramble made sense, if I made any mistakes with terminology, please let me know.

[yonpote]

maybe people who were socialized as girls are more likely to like dnp for some reason. I don't know. A lot of fanbases attract certain types of people for difficult to measure reasons. Imo the important thing is to be inclusive of different identities, however common or rare they may be within the fanbase. I've never seen anyone openly *not* accepting of transfem people in the phandom, and im not sure its good to imply that the phandom is not accepting to transfems just because there aren't many. Unless there is evidence that there ARE people who AREN'T accepting of transfems, in which case please link them so i can block lol. tl;dr i don't think skewed demographics always means exclusion. look at the disproportionate amount of gays that love dnp, and they certainly never excluded straight people.

man the way you misconstrue what i say completely cmonnn. youre right, i DONT know any individual phannies in the community who are Explicitly against trans women and entirely know people who are accepting of them! but that doesn't eliminate internalized transmisogyny or maybe calling it like, cisnormativity would be better? idk maybe transmisogyny is not the exact word i am supposed to use, but you can't say There's No Reason for whatever. the reason dnp fans skew afab is bc we're all yaoi girls and yaoi is explicitly targeted towards cis straight women, and i know a handful of transfems who love bl

(and dont pretend like you dont love shipping men and youre different bc yes even if u dont ship these specific dudes whats the likeliness that u enjoy aziracrow or steddie even if u SAY u dont ship phan there IS a reason you were drawn to their dynamic in the first place)

[danse--macabre]

trans astarion headcanons

talked to this about a few people individually, and decided to make a big old post.

so for starters: we are talking transmasc astarion. raised in some fancy smancy magical elf town. saw himself as a boy/man from a young age. transition was both easy and culturally accepted: transitioned young, magical t, bottom/top/whatever surgery etc. the works, ka-pow level 9 spell of here's your tits blasted off. he wanted it, he got it. he didn't quite conform entirely to the androgynous elven ideal, so to celebrate being hot and himself, travelled all the way from whatever fancy smancy elf settlement he was from to Baldur's Gate to make his big splash debut as a newly minted t-Man - and ran headfirst into becoming flamboyant law school frat boy, party boy slut who was pulling right left centre like a fucking conveyor belt, they were lining up (hey, what a better way to debut becoming sexy, lads?). still, smart enough to pass his exams despite the wild parties the night before, and well-connected, schmoozes his way into a successful respectable career aged 39 using his fraternity/society/elite men's club contacts to get there (and well, if he previously fucked some of them when in law school, who cares!). he's having the time of his life, enjoying loving his body very much, thank you.

and then he becomes a vampire. and he's frozen in time looking like this.

(cw: discussions of transphobia, misgendering, & trans fetishisation)

and at first, who cares -- this was always what he was supposed to look like, he's immortalised as this - as his peak - and you know the way youth is just lionised, put on a pedestal in queer spaces, he decides he doesn't fucking care. it's a relief.

(the quiet realisation he'll never grow old in his beautiful body, that maybe he had more growing to do, much more of himself to become, sometimes bristles at his subconscious -- but he bats it away in the same way he bats away things like 'hope' or 'optimism'. he doesn't have space for that while being crushed.)

anyway. two narrative possibilities here, in the vampire years:

fetishisation. transness becomes his entire sexual appeal, rather than part of who he is more broadly. lures chasers who are desperate to get their horrible hands on a hot t-boy, who often want him to perform in demeaning ways that may undercut his gender/misgender him. leans into the parts of astarion's narrative where he is often reduced to a sex object.

erasure. people believe he is cis, fuck him like he is cis, expect him to behave like he is cis. and he almost forgets he is trans. he becomes detached from that part of himself almost entirely - were it not for visual signals (e.g. top surgery/phallo scars that cannot fade over time), he'd do so. leans into the out-of-body dissociation elements occurring instead.

anyway, nautiloid happens, game happens. astarion doesn't pretend he's NOT trans, it's just something he tends to dismiss as 'not very important', and straight up won't come up until act 2. this minimising approach allows him some control over his narrative even if it is avoiding a difficult truth: others hurt him because he was trans, objectified him because he was trans, or simply didn't want engage with something they considered unpleasant.

we get to the final choice. a key facet of spawn vs. ascended astarion is acceptance versus denial. ascended astarion convinces himself that being a spawn is a demeaning experience where one would be better off dead, and uses that to justify killing 7k spawn (as well as part of himself). classic "accept oneself; live in pride vs. deny oneself; live in shame" queer dilemma. so it follows that astarion's journey with his transgender identity develops along those lines.

spawn astarion embraces his transness, and makes efforts to be trans in his own terms -- rather than for the gratification of others. he embraces his gender non-conformity and much more and is so much more playful with gender. this could develop into becoming genderfluid/non-binary gender where his particular mode of effeminate masculinity develops into something like 'sometimes I'm a she/her in stockings actually, but I'm never a woman', something he can only really embrace when he is no longer living in crisis mode, can accepts himself as a trans person, and knows he does not need to exist to be desirable to others. regardless of whether he's non-binary or simply gnc, i think it takes a fair bit of confidence & bravery for him to play with gender knowing it might jeopardise people reading him as masc, but he's tired of living for others wants & eyes.

ascended astarion in contrast, lives in denial about his transness. tries to convince you he's a cis man. and yes, he might be able to pass seamlessly, but he's quietly miserable.

[ap0stle]

man its so weird to think i could have just been cis. i could theoretically pretend to be cis and then i would just be a girl. that feels so fake. like. i genuinely feel like if i were to just 'be a girl' id be lying. like. even before hrt ive always felt like i was lying whenever i was grouped with girls. like i wasnt supposed to be there. ive never belonged with other girls but what if i did?? what if i was never trans? i feel like i still wouldn't belong somehow. maybe im just ugly??

[kiunlo]

just cause sombody's got pronouns in their bio and they reblog pro-trans shit it doesn't fucking mean anything. when I go onto a small post with like, fucking 50-100 notes and it's severely transphobic, i usually can go through all the reblogs and the likes to find not a single pro-trans person trying to disagree with them, and so of course I go out of my way to block every single idiot who reblogged and liked the post just for fun (and also my safety). And you know what I see sometimes, when I do this? Very rarely, I'll see a supposedly "pro-trans" person in the notes. They usually have their pronouns in their bio. I can type in "trans" into their blog and see pro-trans posts. But they liked the severely transphobic post that had no actual pro-trans commentary added to it in any way. It's jarring, and I sometimes wonder if it's mistake. Maybe there was some pro-trans commentary and it got removed, so I can't see it? Maybe it was a misclick? After all, why would somebody who clearly cares about trans issues, based on what their blog is like, just go on the internet and lie about it?

The thing is, though...people do in fact go onto the internet and lie about it, like...all the time LMAO. if it gets them fucking clout or whatever, they'll do it. If it's popular to be an "ally" and they'll receive vitriol from everyone around if they're outwardly bigoted towards trans people, they'll pretend to be that ally. If their friends are trans and they're still in that realm of not understanding why they should give a shit or support them, and being confused by it, instead of trying to rethink what they believe about gender identity and shit, they just stop talking and pretend like they get it when they clearly don't, and still end up harbouring transphobic ideas. They just never say it to your face. I've had people be outwardly transphobic in my face, jot knowing at all that I'm trans, and being severely surprised when I tell them, hey you idiot I'm trans and you just said the worst shit ever. I always get the "oh but you're like...not like those trans people, though." Except I very much fucking am.

Allies pretending to give a shit but actually not giving a shit is EXTREMELY frequent and happens a lot when it comes to trans issues (and other issues too). Many of my "friends" were supportive of me as a trans person until shit hit the fan. They called me Ash and he/him until somebody didn't give a shit, and emboldened everyone else to also not give a shit, thereby proving that all my supposedly supportive friends...very much weren't supportive to begin with. This is not new. I am not surprised when some cis person who is loudly and openly a trans ally online and even in person suddenly is exposed as being a transphobic asshole. It's nothing fucking new to me. Because people do in fact, go onto the internet and lie. All the time. Every single damn day.

Does it mean that every cis ally is secretly a transphobic asshole? of course not. but when a cis ally is exposed as being a horrid transphobic cunt, do you really think it surprises me? do you really think i'm that shocked? because at this point it's like clockwork. lmfao.

[starry-skies-116]

Times I should've realized I was trans af-🏳️‍⚧️⚧🏳️‍⚧️

Back in 3rd grade, when my hair grew long enough, I’d tie it up into a ponytail, drape the hair over my head to make it look like a masc haircut, clip it so that it would stay in place, and then place a beanie over it to cover the clips. I’d always be in the school restrooms, pretending to be a man. One time I even walked into the boys restroom during recess- that moment for me was the most euphoric moment in my entire year of third grade.

One time, I wanted to a little social experiment at 13- this was before I got my first period. I went out masquerading as a boy with my Mum, and the shopowner called me ‘handsome’ and praised my mom for ‘raising such a good son’. I felt so happy until my Mum corrected the shopowner that I was a ‘girl’. Thanks, Mum. /sarc

I LOVED pixie and boycuts, but my mom forbade me from getting one (hence me doing the shit I did in number one).

When I learned the term ‘transgender’, I thought that it couldn’t possibly me me due to the stereotypes that have been implanted forcibly inside my head about gender roles. Then, as I watched more and more trans youtubers and videos and learned more and more, I realized “Hey, this shit actually fits me”. Sometimes I didn't feel any gender at all (agender moment-)

One time, I accidentally walked in on a guy peeing in first grade because his dumbass forgot to lock the door. I got chewed out by my disgusting and toxic first grade teacher way more than I should have, but it was in that moment that I realized “Damn. I wish I was born a guy.”

My original favorite colors were purple, blue, yellow, black and white. I was just brainwashed into being forced to like pink by my family because “OH YOU’RE A GIRL YOU HAVE TO LIKE PINK.” I was so uncomfortable with that statement, and aggressively tried to follow it to please my family until my friend said “There’s no such thing as boy or girl things, you do you.” So thank you, friend from elementary school, I owe you everything. 😀

Over Christmas, I’d always watch my cis friends get what they want as gifts. I’d ask for legos and dolls, they’d give me the ‘feminine’ version. I’d ask for new shoes, they’d give me those god-awful neon pink and purple ones. I’d want transformers action figures, they’d give me Monster High dolls. Not that I don’t like Monster High, but still. TF my mates.

I’d always want to attend the parties and community gatherings of the men in our community, and my Dad would jokingly say he’d bring me along if I was a man. My heart would never fail to NOT sink at such a statement.

MULAN.

Doesn’t matter if you think of Mulan as transmasc, transfem, nonbinary, cisgender or literally anything else. Every trans child watching this literally went *vine boom*. INCLUDING ME. YOU CAN’T DENY THAT, BUDDY.

Whenever my Mum would joke about me getting married to a man and having children, I would feel incredibly uncomfortable and ask to change the topic. Of course, they obliged, but the sour taste wouldn’t leave for at least an entire week- and that’s rich coming from me, because my ADHD ass usually forget things very quickly (could also be an intersex moment- I have a weird-ass relationship with ‘biological sex’).

When I got my first period at 13 years old, it was very light, just barely noticeable bleeding. It didn’t make me feel all too dysphoric, and I thought to myself: “Y’know, maybe having a period isn’t so bad.” That is, until my parents threw a Voni ceremony, a ceremony celebrating when an AFAB has her first menustration and she’s deemed physically and spiritually a young woman. It was SO awful, dolled up in makeup and jewelry and dressed up in all the saris they forced me to wear. I couldn’t recognize myself in the mirror, but it would’ve broken my heart to shatter the happy expressions of my grandparents. Why couldn’t I have just been their grandson and not their granddaughter…? Actually, y’know what, screw it- even if I was born a guy, I probably still would’ve been trans. (enby moment-)

I was actually happy when me and my mother learned from my doctor that I had PCOS and was thereby intersex at 14. There was an explanation for my hair growth! I liked my body and facial hair- but then came when my mother subjected me to torturous monthly waxing appointments, diets, and forced birth control pills. They even told me I had a ‘high testosterone content’, discussing estrogen treatment, and referred to me as a ‘young lady’ throughout it all. It took all my effort to not cry on the way home.

One time, all my loose shirts were in the washer, so I had to wear a tight shirt. Not only was my autistic ass screaming at how tight and uncomfortable the fabric was, but at how it showed my chest. People were staring- they never commented, but I could already imagine their thoughts. I never wanted to perish more than in that very moment.

The only things I like about my current body are my hips and thighs. Oh, and my thick-ass sideburns, facial and bodily hair, and eyebrows.

I really want to be broad like an AMAB, have a deeper voice like a guy. I’d occasionally ask my parents ‘well what if I was a boy’ or say shit like ‘I wish I was a boy’. I still do.

[howaboutcastiel-personal]

So like (10/15/24)

I have three episodes left of heartstopper and I’m trying to spread them out because I don’t want to be done with it yet, but I also need to be done with it for the sake of my mental health. Because me and Charlie aren’t the same and me and Tori aren’t the same but the show is still affecting me more than I want it too. I mean obviously it’s a comfort show, and Charlie is surrounded by support.

I’m not like him though. I think he’s one of those characters you can’t be mad at because he’s the ‘right’ kind of mentally ill. Not the fat and annoying kind who’s chronically physically ill too. And you get little bites of abusive parents or ignorant extended family, but everyone is safe in the show. It’s not like that??? I mean, my dad won’t kill me. It’s just that beatings were not unheard of and slurs are still used every day and I had to have a breather today because I had to do damage control because my alcoholic grandmother made the chili wrong and I can’t let her know that I fixed the problem, but if I didn’t fix it then dad would blow up.

It’s like all of these little things that come together to just be insane. I went back and forth for forever about whether they abused me or still do. It isn’t like that right now because I avoid them actively. Mom still is the responsible one. I resent her for not leaving him forever ago. But her idea of family isn’t any better? Even if she left him it would still be her side of the family. I don’t know. I’m just mad.

Like I can’t forgive them. Politically I can’t forgive them because it’s all conditional. They could never love me as much as parents are supposed to love a child. And it isn’t even that I think I deserve love, I just know they aren’t capable of any kind of meaningful care, and I want to be free of them. And I want to keep writing about the boys too. Cobb and Din and the problems they have that aren’t really like mine but at least I can pretend.

And I don’t want to be trans either? I want to just be happy with being cis. I hate having dysphoria and I hate being confused. Maybe it would be better off if I was like Charlie then? Like maybe I just should stop eating instead? I miss high school where I did that. I miss losing 20 pounds effortlessly and not feeling guilty about every single thing.

I keep sleeping too much and then being tired. I miss being on prednisone where at least I was awake. All I want to do now is go back to sleep. Go back to bed. Not get out of bed and not eat. If only my dreams were more bearable, too. Last night they were just stressful instead of horrifying and traumatic. They’re usually stressful, and I think they always will be? Dreams are supposed to be a little confusing anyway. I just want them to be quieter maybe. I want to rest.

But I’m withdrawing right now. My face hurts from being swelled up, and my stomach hurts and my appetite sucks. And I want to go to bed. My muscles are sore and I know these are all withdrawal symptoms but what do I even do about it? No one has sympathy. Mimi is so angry at the world too and her health is so bad. I don’t get why we all have to keep trying every day.

I think everyone just keeps up the effort for dad and papaw. Which is fucking moronic. They deserve it the fucking least of anyone ever. Papaw deserves nothing. Nothing. Dad deserves even less and I resent him. They’re racist and sexist and homophobic and transphobic and they don’t care for their family and they never have. And they don’t deserve a goddamn good thing in the world and I’m tired of their stupid faces.

That would go for Ethan too but I never see him. He doesn’t even respond to mom’s texts, but somehow I’m the fuck up kid. I don’t care anymore because I don’t even think about him anymore. It’s like I don’t even have a brother. I know my parents wish I was gone, too, but then who would do their fucking laundry?

[somedeadbeatloz3r69]

ventish

my dad was showing me pictures of younger me. saying how I wasn't 'confused on who I was then' or 'didn't worry about anything' because I was younger. (I cried n went up 2 my room cuz yk!!) and then he came in my room and apologized. etc etc, he asked 'do you not wanna be a girl?' I said as I was like crying n breaking down 'i do.' that was a lie . 'do you not want me to treat you like a girl?' again, I lied. 'i do' and he said something similar to 'no matter what you wanna be our relationship will always stay the same' or some shit like that. and it made me remember and realize that if my dad married a person who was supportive of trans people he also would've been supportive, or atleast less tphobic. as much as I tried to mean the 'i do', as much as I wanted to, as much as I know it'd be easier being a cis girl, I know I'm not deep down. I don't wanna be treated like a girl. I don't wanna look like a girl. sometimes I do though. but as much as I try to convince myself i'm cis, as much as I lie and tell myself my entire life would be better if I were, it's hard to say 'i am cis'. this is just a vent post, this post was basically 'never here'. if u read this as a moot, maybe like or reply or something, but pretend as if i never posted it