#'the old man is at it again he's being bisexual again' excuse me????

[pixlerelish]

"do i need to speak about the bisexual agenda more than i already have" yes do. I noticed the same thing on my rewatch, and I was like where are all the guys in the second half?

look i still have not watched the film i am waiting for November when it will drop so i can scream about it better rn i am going purely off vibes and the MVs. specifically the NRV MV bc why are all the guys just vibing with him in the middle of the road. why is there so much sexual tension there. why is Azad watching his father and shaking his head like 'the old man is at it again he's being bisexual again' excuse me???? like you are not giving off bby!bi vibes with your aesthetic???? pot calling the kettle black much sir???? they put the same bisexual lighting on both of you later in the song ffs

idk to me personally it feels like the older Shah Rukh gets the queerer the characters he plays and i uh. hmm. that's interesting

[lupismaris]

Lmao okay okay white cishet social manager has now been added to the DEI Pride planning meetings which frankly is important to ensure shit is done right I’m attending as the multi-tool queer of the division and comms administrator/quartermaster who’s main role is holding the comms team accountable (my supervisors/head of comms words not mine) so my goal of making sure our Pride and LGBTQIA+ history month campaigns aren’t reductive capitalist rainbow washed nonsense is still a go

[slavhew]

murdoc for character opinions

god. murdoc. im admittedly not deep in enough to hard assess my opinions from 2018 vs now, but let's give a quick run through.

i love murdoc. but he's also hard to talk about. so i think its best to jump forward to what i find most compelling about him: it's someone's capacity to grow and change even relatively late in life.

He has a start in life that, speeding over all of THAT, leaves him a very vapid, self centered and cruel person by the time the band becomes a thing. Bit by bit, tooth by pulled tooth, he learns to see things differently.

And this is where that "canon isn't real if i dont look at it"- the continued existence of gorillaz's storyline depends on there being an antagonist, and that is historically Murdoc's role. So a lot of that development will get retconned, glossed over, etc. I don't really blame JH for that anymore, that's just how these things often go with properties that have this kind of extended shelf life.

Murdoc is a person that distills all his hurt into anger, excuses his loneliness as being "by choice" and buries trauma under ego, posturing and hypersexual behavior. But as it is when you form bonds with people, tentative as they might be, they change you. Phase 3 is the climax of this, and phase 6 was both the """final""" relapse of his bad tendencies (post TNN cough) and the end of his arc with The Lost Chord.

THAT ALL BEING SAID, he's silly to me. I count all the material of him being Oddly Polite or giggly as canon whether it's Phil Cornwell breaking character or not.

Murdoc has two faces: one for the paps, and another for the fans. One crude and attention seeking, and a softer more relaxed one for when he ACTUALLY gets to discuss his interests and the music he makes. He plays the media like a fiddle, since having eyes on him is an old skill he's long since mastered.

My possible divergences from fanon at large? I haven't been in touch lately, but I remember some interpretations being popular that I disagree with, so I'll just state my takes:

He's not iredeemable or stupid or remorseless, he grows to care about his bandmates very early on but is VERY slow on the uptake of identifying that affection, and he's much smarter than he lets on. Also no beef to people who ship 2doc but man it is just not my cup of tea. They're coworkers slash fffrriiienndsss?? who needle each other constantly.

AS FOR HEADCANONS: very simple.

A lot of his stunts in the public eye are coordinated- when he said he refuses to get on the stage on other people's terms, this includes the paps. If he's going to be hated, he might as well do that with intention and style

That being said, it's also a self-made excuse to be a debaucherous asshole as well as how he justifies the overindulgence to himself.

Selling his soul had progressive effects on his appearance

green skin, pointy ears, pointier teeth. he used to wear a red contact. he doesn't have to anymore!

the red eyes would be bilateral but in phase 5 the eye injury resulted in anisocoria- bowie-esque. He isn't sure if this is another manifestation of his deal for musical success, or karma.

because of his reduced vision and MULTIPLE stints in prison he is jumpier than ever

he has an unibrow! the fringe hides it because it grows back too fast, and murdoc is vain.

he used to have a fuller face, but as of phase 2 the stardom (drugs, poor self-care) started affecting his appearance. Phase 3 was even more brutal in terms of this. by the time phase 4 rolled around and he got clean, the buccal fat was gone for good, courtesy of plain aging!

short, skinny and not in the healthy way. again, phase 1-2 sees him develop a beer gut under xylophone ribs, phase 3 he's at his worst health-wise. Phase 4 and 6 see him put some real padding on, finally. (5 is a step back due to incarceration)

phase 5 issss fiiiineee... but i prefer respect-false-iconz (aka ezracaution)'s canon divergent exploration of it, The Code

lastly: projection? brother that's the bisexuality, shortness, edginess for show and anger issues. that's just text.

[sixhours]

i know you by heart - chapter 4

Series Chapter Index | Read on AO3 | Complete

Rating: Explicit, 18+, here be smut Series tags: The Last of Us, The Last of Us (HBO), Prospect, Joel Miller x Ezra, Joel & Ellie, Ezra & Cee, Joel is bad at feelings and relationships, Ellie is a little shit (affectionate), mostly follows canon after season 1, SMUT, gay sex, bisexual!Joel, period-typical homophobia, light angst, romance, age gap (~10ish years), I've probably forgotten some so please let me know <3

Chapter notes: Y'all, this whole story is easily the smuttiest thing I've ever written. You're welcome. Look for the ++++SMUT+CUT++++s if you want to avoid it.

Here's some happy stuff before things get a li'l rocky.

He justifies it by telling himself it was a one-time thing.

When it happens again three days later, this time pinned to Ezra’s bed by his dark eyes and mouth moving over him, he tells himself it’s just sex.

And when it keeps happening with a certain regularity–not frequently, but enough to establish a pattern–he tells himself he’s doing her a favor, not complicating their lives with…whatever this is.

But something in Joel has woken from a long slumber. He and Ezra keep a friendly distance in public, but it’s easy to give in to the want that’s always simmering, and more than once he finds himself pulling Ezra into a secluded alley or the darkness of the greenhouse shed, frantic as teenagers among the rakes and buckets and bags of soil. He feels like a kid again, new and fumbling and overeager. If Ezra notices, he doesn’t seem to mind.

They don’t get much time. Once a week, twice if they’re lucky, on the days when patrols and work assignments line up and Ellie and Cee are otherwise occupied. Ellie has friends now, a group to hang out with after chores and school. Some days it seems like he only sees her as she’s walking out the door. It’s a natural separation that’s healthy for a kid her age…is what he tells himself. But her pulling away from him is almost a physical pain, necessary as it is.

The loneliness needs somewhere to go.

They meet at Ezra’s place more often than not. Cee’s room is in the attic, Ezra tells him, and she likes her privacy. When she’s at home, she spends most of her time with her headphones on. She’s a writer; he says this with more than a note of pride in his voice, and Joel thinks Ezra downplays his fatherly inclinations.

He learns Ezra can wax poetic about everything under the sun. Joel usually isn’t much for conversation, but he finds the constant chatter soothing. He rarely needs to do more than nod or grunt in acknowledgment while the other man listens to himself talk. It’s a lot like being with Ellie…in some ways.

But Ezra likes to use his mouth for other things.

Sporadic days of furtive touches and meaningful glances soon turn into weeks, and eventually, Joel can’t even make the excuses sound legitimate to himself…but he still doesn’t tell her.

The creek on the far side of the south quadrant is calm and warmer than usual for this time of year; perfect grounds for Ellie to learn. They trod a well-worn path through the overgrown park, past the south fields and grazing area, their towels slung over his shoulder. He’d found a pair of swim trunks and a rash guard for Ellie at the trading post, and he’s wearing the swimsuit of his youth, an old tank top and jeans cut off at mid-thigh.

The air is warm, lush with the scent of green things, early summer temperatures setting everything to bloom. Sun filters through the trees and dapples the ground as Ellie skips ahead.

Last night, limbs heavy and sated and tangled together with Ezra’s, he’d mentioned the creek in the south quad, the swimming lessons, the hope for good weather. He might have set down a time, and if Ezra and Cee happened to join them for an afternoon swim, all the better.

“It’s fucking freezing,” Ellie remarks, wading into the water up to her calves. “Why do I have to do this again?”

“Swimmin’s a good skill to have.”

What he doesn’t say: There’s a museum on the outskirts of Yellowstone. Someday he’ll take her to see the dinosaurs, and she’s gonna need to be able to swim to get there.

What he definitely won’t say: He’ll take any chance to spend extra time with her.

“On your back,” he says, now waist-high in the water, and Ellie scowls.

“You’re gonna drown me, aren’t you? Finally had enough of me. Gonna leave my body in the river and let it wash out to sea to cover the evidence.”

“You seen any oceans around here? No, I’m gonna teach you, if you’d stop yappin’. C’mon, lean back. M’not gonna let you go under.”

One hand behind her shoulders, the other under her thighs. “Take a deep breath. Put your arms out. There ya go.”

She lays back, squints up into the sky, winces and flounders to put her feet down when she feels him pulling away.

“You’re floatin’ already,” he grins. “Stop flailin’ around and you’ll stay up.”

“No, I won’t!”

“You will,” he says. “Try again.”

She does. She’s on her back, gentle current lapping at her prone form as Joel’s hands slowly retreat, leaving her buoyant.

Footsteps on the path, a familiar tuft of white hair and tan skin emerging onto the pebbled beach. 

“Hello, young prodigy…and just Joel.”

“Hey Ezra! Look, I’m–”

She turns her head and raises her hand to wave, upsetting the delicate balance, immediately plunging beneath the surface of the water. She’s sputtering and swearing as Joel pulls her up.

“Told you to stay flat,” Joel says mildly. “Hey, Ez.”

Ezra peels off his t-shirt and tosses it on the shore, then dives under, coming up and shaking the water off his hair like a dog.

“How do you even swim like that?”

“Jesus, Ellie,” Joel sighs.

“Quite easily, gem,” Ezra says, turning on his side and gliding through the water, moving toward the deeper part of the creek.

Ellie wrinkles her nose. “Show off.”

“If I can do it one-armed, I suspect you can best me with two,” he says, flicking water in her direction, making her giggle.

“You ready to try again?” Joel asks her.

“Ugh, fine,” she says, but she’s on her back and floating within minutes, grinning up into the bright blue sky.

Joel shows her how to backstroke, then she gets brave and turns to her front. Joel keeps one hand under her belly at first, but soon she’s kicking away from him with a laugh, pulling herself through the water without touching the creekbed.

Eventually, Joel excuses himself to the pebbled beach, spreads his towel out, peels off the wet tank, and lets the sun beat down on his bare shoulders while he watches Ellie practice her dog paddle. Ezra swims alongside her like a seal, encouraging and–though she insists it’s not necessary–spotting her. Sometimes he meets Joel’s eyes and his smile is warmer than the mid-summer sunshine.

Ezra joins him a few minutes later, sprawling wet and dripping on his towel with a satisfied grunt.

“Cee couldn’t make it?”

“She’s an introverted sort. Likes her solitude and quiet.”

Joel arches an eyebrow. “An’ the poor girl ended up with you?”

Ezra pulls a face. “I can’t deny, the fates have a peculiar sense of humor.”

“Joel, look!”

Ellie dives under and the water churns around her, then pops up a few feet downstream. 

“Told ya you’d float, kiddo. Keep your legs straight when you kick.”

“I do believe your young prodigy has taken to the water like the finest of aquatic mammals.”

“You could just say she likes to swim, Ez.”

“I scrimped and saved my hard-earned pay for the use of these academic adverbs, songbird, and I intend to get my money’s worth.”

“Y'know those student loan assholes are all dead, right?”

Ezra grins. “And a well-deserved death it was, the bastards.”

Joel feels Ezra’s hand slip gently over his and squeeze. Joel squeezes back before pulling away reluctantly, nodding toward Ellie.

“She, uh…she don’t know…yet.”

“All in good time, then,” Ezra says easily, tucking his arm under his head and closing his eyes. Joel tucks his chin on his shoulder, watches the man’s chest rise and fall as the water makes little tracks down his sides, feels a gentle tug of longing in his gut.

When he looks back to the water, Ellie is nowhere to be seen and the creek is quiet.

“Ellie?”

Look away for one goddamned second…

“Ellie!”

He’s up and waist deep in the water when her head breaks the surface to his left.

“Gotcha, motherfucker,” she crows.

Joel’s heart restarts in his chest. “Christ, kid, don’t fuckin’ do that to me.”

She giggles. “Got you back in here, didn’t it?”

“Shaved a few years off my life, y’mean,” he growls, hands darting out to grab her around the waist before she can get away. He lifts her up as high as he can and tosses her unceremoniously into the water to the sounds of her shrieked protests.

“You jerk!”

A small tidal wave slaps him in the face, leaves him swiping at his eyes and making for the shore. She tackles him from behind, arms around his shoulders, legs around his waist, leveraging herself onto his back like a baby monkey.

Joel catches Ezra’s eye, head rolled to one side, watching them with a smirk. Joel throws him a wink before turning his attention back to Ellie, hooking his hands under her knees and easily tossing her off his back.

“Dude, it is on ,” she says when she can speak again.

And if the swim practice eventually dissolves into a splash fight, well, that’s alright by him.

“Are you, like, seeing Ezra or something?”

Ellie meets him at the stables after patrol to help settle the horses. They walk home together, Joel achy and tired from a full day on the trails, Ellie talking about the latest drama among her friends, when she asks the question.

Joel has to force himself to keep walking and not trip over his own feet, finding it suddenly hard to make his mouth formulate a response and move his body at the same time. “I don’t–we aren’t–”

“I mean, it’s fine if you are, dude,” she shrugs. “You’re just over there every week.”

“How did you–”

“He’s good to talk to,” she continues, kneeling to examine something on the road; a caterpillar. Joel watches as she picks up a nearby leaf, carefully scoops up the critter, and carries it safely to a patch of grass.

“You don’t…you’re okay with that?”

She wrinkles her nose. “Why would I care if you’re talking with him?”

“Right,” Joel rasps, tongue like sandpaper in his mouth. “Talking. Right, yeah. We…talk.”

It’s not a lie, Joel decides, because they are technically talking.

In bed.

Naked.

After all the not talking.

Fuck.

He needs to tell her. He’s going to tell her.

“Ellie, I–”

She spins on her heel, walking backward to listen to him, head cocked. “What?”

Before he can figure out what to say, she stumbles on a large rock, flailing. He’s just barely fast enough, grabbing her by the arm before she falls on her ass. She laughs as he pulls her close to steady her, keeps her there in a one-armed hug.

“Watch where you’re goin’, kid.”

When she looks up at him, her eyes are bright with affection. There’s color in her cheeks and she’s filled out with three square meals a day and a routine and she looks so…happy.

Maybe it’s the way her head tips back against his shoulder, reminding him of how it laid almost that way when he carried her from the hospital. His throat closes with shame at the thought.

Swear to me.

He can’t do it. Can’t tell her, not yet. Not when she has something–someone–stable for the first time in her life.

“S’nothin’,” he mutters, gently dislodging her from his arm, steadying her on her feet. “Let’s go home.”

Joel returns home from a late-night patrol shift exhausted and ready to fall into bed. He trudges through the door to a note on the kitchen table. 

“At D’s, Tommy said was OK - Love Ellie”

Love Ellie.

He smiles at that, feels the warm fuzzy grip of it resonate in his chest.

Suddenly not so tired, he takes a quick shower to wash off the day and goes to Ezra’s. He lets himself in, tiptoeing up the stairs, undressing in the dark.

“Songbird?” Ezra murmurs just as he’s slipping under the covers, curling naked around his lean body and nuzzling the back of his neck.

“Sorry,” Joel whispers. “Was tryin’ not to wake you.”

“On the contrary, mon cœur , I’m glad you did,” Ezra mumbles, reaching behind them to press the length of Joel’s body closer. Joel lets his hand trail up and down Ezra’s stomach and chest, firmer than his own, not as softened by middle age. His finger grazes the pebbled skin of one nipple and Ezra sucks in a breath.

“Mmm, I do hope you’ve crept into my bed tonight with less than gentlemanly intentions.”

“Think we can make that work,” he grunts, letting his fingers travel further south, slipping beneath the waistband of Ezra’s boxers.

“Ahh, delightful,” he groans as he takes him in hand.

+++++++++++++++++++++SMUT+CUT++++++++++++++++++++++

Joel growls in wordless agreement as he cups the velvet-soft skin of Ezra’s growing erection, holds him, traces the line from the tip of his head to the base of his shaft. He plants open-mouthed kisses along the column of his neck, the planes of his shoulderblades, tasting the salt and sweet of him. He drags the rough of his stubble against the shell of his ear until Ezra’s hips jerk forward of their own volition. With his own arousal aching and nestled between Ezra’s thighs, he sets a steady, easy rhythm with his hand, relishing every little moan and gasp of pleasure as he whispers nonsense and filth into his ear until he spills warm and sticky into Joel’s palm.

+++++++++++++++++++END+SMUT+CUT++++++++++++++++++++

After, he falls asleep with the younger man on top of him, Ezra’s cheek pressed to his stomach, fingers threaded in his curls.

He wakes some unknown time later, momentarily confused. The sex is familiar but the staying after is new. It takes another few seconds to get his bearings. Ezra is gone, and somewhere a girl is crying. Ellie? No…Cee.

He catches faint sounds overhead; Ezra’s baritone, low and soothing. Cee’s voice fading to quiet. Eventual footsteps.

Joel is still sitting up in bed when he returns. Ezra looks surprised to see him.

“I hope the little bird didn’t wake you.”

Joel shrugs. “Nothin’ new. She alright?”

Ezra nods and bites his lip. “She’ll make do. Fragments of the past come back to haunt us in dreams. We do our best to banish them, but…”

He trails off, lingers at the side of the bed, troubled.

“Ellie has ‘em,” Joel says, settling back against the pillows. “The nightmares. Not as bad now, but it was rough for a spell.”

“Mmm. The child suffers the sins of the father,” Ezra murmurs, as if lost in his thoughts.

“Thought y’said you ain’t her father,” he says, arching an eyebrow.

“I’m not. But I knew her father…in a different life. And his sins were none too dissimilar to my own...”

After a pause, Joel puts out a hand. “You gonna stand there and sulk or are you gonna get over here and tell me about it?”

“Shall I regale you with the tale of your favorite one-armed scoundrel and his trusty sidekick?” Ezra sighs, allowing himself to be pulled into bed.

“Who says you’re my favorite?”

That draws a dry laugh. “I wasn’t aware Jackson had another such resident traipsing about to compete for my affections.”

“Y’don’t,” he mutters, kissing the bridge of Ezra’s nose.

“Very well. But I’ll warn you, this story doesn’t paint me in a respectable light. In fact, I do believe it might cause you to–”

“Ez,” he says pointedly.

This earns him a side-eyed glare. He clears this throat.

“Cordyceps certainly brought out our baser instincts, and I was no different. We’re all apex predators underneath this…gauze of societal finery. Some of us are just better at it than others,” Ezra says, leveling his gaze at Joel. “Do you understand me, songbird?”

“Yeah…I hear ya.”

“No clinical text can prepare one for the end of polite society. I have, perhaps, walked the hair’s breadth of a line between lawful and not, but the end of the world turned a new page in the story of my life. Eat or be eaten, kill or be killed…and I knew which side of that equation I preferred.

“I fell in with a rough and tumble crowd after I found the overbearing drudgery of the Atlanta QZ…not to my tastes. At times, I could perceive my life as an observational case study in human behavior. I could separate myself from the…humanity of it. It was almost too easy to detach.”

His eyes have gone cold and pensive, his jovial, boyish mask forgotten as he speaks. 

“There were a number of us…mostly men, a few women. The leader of our group was a man named Damon, and one of the women bore him a daughter before she passed. No doubt you see where this is going.”

Joel absently traces the lines and ridges of his hands, their warmth and softness in stark contrast to his words.

“That young girl’s name is Cee. And though the life of a raider was no place for a child, Cee was afforded a certain degree of…protection. But her father was a self-obsessed fool, too concerned with holding onto whatever meager power he could lord over the rest. Textbook narcissist, if you’ll allow me to don my psychotherapist’s cap for a moment. Cee was but another resource he could use to his advantage, and when he couldn’t…he didn’t give a shit, if you’ll pardon my French.

“He didn’t see the way the other men looked at her, or if he did, he didn’t…care to see,” he says, swallowing hard.

“I feel I should clarify before I continue that I’m not a good man, songbird. I was party to some abominable acts of treachery. I sat idly by while our women were used as toys, as bait…often worse. I had no interest in the fairer sex, but I was hardly their knight in shining armor.”

He takes a deep breath and lets it out in a controlled rush.

“I happened to be in the wrong place at the right time. She was cornered. One of the brutes clearly intended to have his way with her. So I disposed of him…my knife found the socket of his eye,” he says coldly. “To this day I harbor no regrets, but I knew we would both regret the punishment when it came.

“I admit, I wasn’t in my right mind. Or perhaps I was. I was seeing clearly the man I had become, the lows to which I had sunk, and I…couldn’t fathom being at my own mercy any longer.

“So I stood at the precipice of a new life and I…I offered her a choice. Stay with her father and his ilk to suffer the same fate, or come with me. And though I still don’t pretend to understand why…she chose yours truly.

“We all have our lines in the sand, songbird. Cee was mine.”

“I dunno,” Joel murmurs. “Think she did alright.”

Ezra offers a soft, sad smile. “It was winter. We were unprepared. We left what little we had behind and stole away that very night. But Lady Luck has followed me most of my life, and we always seemed to find a little extra, my birdie and I. We made it further than we had any right to.

“When the fine citizens of Jackson stumbled upon us, your esteemed sister-in-law among them, we were in a very sorry state indeed. I was ready to succumb to whatever whimsies they fancied. I suspect they might have preferred to put me down like a rabid dog, and I could scarcely blame them. But then…Cee protected me. Threw herself in front of a cocked gun and begged for my life.

“And so I remain steadfastly in her debt, songbird. I can’t claim to understand how to…to care for a girl like Cee, not in the way she deserves to be cared for. Truth be told, she’s wiser and more courageous than I could ever hope to be. But I have to try. She’s brought out something better in me, something…something I hardly know what to do with. Do you understand?”

“I do,” Joel whispers.

“I know you do. When I told you I sensed a kindred spirit, I didn’t just mean this,” he whispers, bringing Joel’s hand to his lips, brushing the faintest kiss along his knuckles. “I see the same in you and your young prodigy. Am I wrong?”

Joel purses his lips. “No.”

He nods. “Then I suppose the question becomes, how much good must one do to make up for a lifetime of atrocity? And will they understand when it’s time for us to pay the piper?”

Joel thinks of the long hospital hallways, the easy dependability of his hands as he fired round after round, each shot an echo of his own steady heartbeat, every one bringing him closer to Ellie. He tries and fails to find a shred of remorse in it, even now.

“We did the worst so they don’t have to,” Joel says softly. “If that ain’t a kind of forgiveness…I don’t know what is.”

Ellie’s 16th birthday is a barbeque in the backyard. Her friends come over–Dina and Jesse and Cee and a couple others, all of them clustered around games of horseshoes and cornhole, sneaking sips of beer when they think the adults aren’t looking.

Joel gives her her present the morning before the party when it’s just the two of them; a refurbished guitar upon which he’s carved twining vines and butterflies. He’d spent hours that winter in his workshop, sanding it smooth and coating it with stain and replacing the strings.

He ties a piece of ribbon around the fret and presents it to her with a shrug, her eyes shining as he holds it out.

“Offer still stands. I’ll teach you if you want–”

She wraps her arms around his neck before he’s even finished talking; not that he could with the lump in his throat.

“You promise?”

“Pinky promise,” he smiles into her shoulder.

She wrinkles her nose, pulls back to look at him. “What?”

“Y’know…pinky promise…?”

“Dude, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Sometimes he forgets there are so many things she never knew; pinky promises and Christmas presents and birthdays in the backyard.

“Oh…it’s, uh, somethin’ Sarah used to do. It’s like a handshake. But…I dunno. Here.”

He takes her hand, pulls at her pinky finger to extend it, then wraps it around his own, tugging lightly. “See? Pinky promise.”

“That’s…so lame,” she says, but she’s giggling as she says it, still holding on.

Sixteen , he thinks later, dazed by the sun and the sound of her laughter. Sixteen means patrol training. Sixteen is two more years than he got with Sarah. It’s both too much time and not enough.

Ezra shows up with a flat square of a package, something on vinyl that Ellie unwraps and fawns over. When she hugs him, his look of frank surprise catches Joel’s from across the lawn. Even Tommy didn’t get that treatment, and his birthday gift was probably the favorite–he’s chaperoning an overnight camping trip outside the wall.

“Now that’s a sight I never expected to see when I signed off on mandatory counseling,” Maria says, sidling up to him at the grill. “Thought for sure she’d fight him tooth and nail.”

Joel rumbles a quiet acknowledgment, poking at the venison sausages. “Not the only one.”

“She’s a good judge of character, though,” she says quietly. “Present company included.”

“That your way of sayin’ sorry?”

“It’s my way of saying I’m glad you’re both still here.”

Just a year ago, he and Ellie had crossed the threshold into a whole new life. There were times when he was sure Maria would have preferred he turn around and go back to Boston and stay there. As many times as Tommy tried to convince him otherwise, it’s still a shock to hear it from the source.

He clears his throat. “Heard Tommy’s takin’ ‘em camping tonight. Can’t tell if that husband of yours is crazy or stupid or both.”

Maria laughs softly. “He’s desperate to make your kid like him, Joel. I swear, sometimes I think he’s more invested in Ellie than his own daughter.”

“Dunno ‘bout that. Izzy has him wrapped around her little finger,” he says, reaching for his beer. “Ellie’s just a little harder to win over.”

“Worth it, though,” Maria says.

He watches as Ellie successfully makes a ten-point shot with a beanbag, pumps her fists in the air and lets out a crude, “hell yeah!”

“Yeah, I reckon she is.”

Later, he’s trapped in a stilted conversation with one of the neighbors–a woman he doesn’t know but he’s pretty sure Maria invited on purpose if the way she’s hanging off him is any indication–when he sees Ezra head into the house.

Relieved to have an excuse to get away, he says a terse goodbye and makes his way inside. He finds Ezra at the kitchen sink.

“Songbird,” Ezra murmurs.

“How’d you know it was me?” Joel leans against the counter, arms folded, getting as close as he can without being too obvious. He watches Ezra plunk a handful of plates into the soapy water.

“You have a very particular tread.”

“I do, huh?”

“Mmm. I apologize for ducking out. I would have said something out there but it seems you were otherwise…preoccupied,” Ezra says with a hint of amusement.

“Yeah, sorry ‘bout that,” he says, frowning at the floor. “Think Maria keeps tryin’ to set me up.”

“Maybe you should tell her you’re already spoken for.”

Joel swallows hard. “That right?”

There are moments where Joel has imagined something more. Moments when they’re tangled up and sweaty and soft in a way he thought he’d forgotten how to be, where he thinks they could have…something. The kind of something he hasn’t felt in decades.

“I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t enjoy a more exclusive arrangement. I fear we’re both getting too long in the tooth to keep sneaking around like a pair of star-crossed lovers.”

“Who you callin’ long in the tooth?” he mutters, bumping his hip into the other man’s side.

“I do believe you have a solid few years on me, songbird,” 

“Haven’t heard you complainin’.”

“And you most certainly will not,” he grins. “I like my men fully fledged.”

“Christ,” Joel says, biting back a smile. “So, uh…you think I invited you over here to do my dishes?”

“Is that a euphemism, cher ?”

Joel rolls his eyes, suppresses a shiver of pleasure at the endearment, usually spoken behind closed doors.

“No, I realize you haven’t solicited me for my housekeeping services,” Ezra continues. “But I thought you might appreciate a hand.”

“Ain’t that a euphemism?”

“Depends,” Ezra lowers his voice. “Will I have the pleasure of your company tonight?”

Joel looks around, suddenly self-conscious even though they’re alone. He chucks Ezra gently on the chin, eliciting a soft grin. It’s not a parting kiss, but it will do.

“I’d like that.”

That evening, he and Ezra stand at the gate to see Ellie, Cee, Tommy, and their crew off after extracting multiple reassurances that they’ll stay within radio distance and be back before noon. Joel swallows a healthy dose of fear, claps Tommy on the shoulder, and gives Ellie a side hug that goes on for just a beat too long.

Sixteen. Christ.

But then Ezra is by his side. They walk down Rancher Street together, anticipation blooming in the early evening glow. The door has barely closed behind them before clothes are divested, and a shared shower quickly devolves. They don’t bother drying, just fall into Joel’s bed wet and naked and pliant.

+++++++++++++++++++++SMUT+CUT++++++++++++++++++++++

Joel’s cock hits the back of Ezra’s throat, and he barely restrains himself from lifting his hips to push himself deeper. It’s too good, the hot, wet silk of Ezra’s mouth sliding over him. He brings Joel to the brink and back again, and again, and again, drawing out his pleasure until he finds himself making sounds he’s never made before.

Whining. Whimpering. Pleading.

At one point, he’s braced against Joel’s cocked knee, hand cupped around Joel’s shaft as he laps hungrily at his head, taking him in as deep as he can before pulling back and swirling his tongue. Then one slick finger presses in, curls up deep, and Joel’s groan is a full-throated animal cry. Caught in the throes, he shifts his knee and Ezra loses his balance, pitching forward, nose to Joel’s stomach.

“Shit,” Joel hisses, contrite. “Shit, Ez, I didn’t–”

But Ezra is laughing, righting himself and leveraging Joel’s shoulder to crawl up the length of his body until they’re chest to chest.

“Could have just said you wanted a kiss, songbird,” he murmurs, capturing Joel’s lips before he can apologize, making him forget why he was sorry in the first place. Then his fingers are trailing a slow but steady path between his legs and pressing inside again.

“Fuck, Ez, I–I can’t–”

“Shhh,” Ezra whispers in turn, two fingers now working in deeper, deeper. “Relax, cher . All that tension will make it mighty hard to do what I intend to do.”

“Fuuuuuck,” Joel growls, leg thrown over Ezra’s hip. His hands slide over his body without aim, finally settling on his face, pulling him in for another kiss, letting his tongue trace the plush bottom lip, nipping and supping until he’s dizzy and aching for more.

Then he’s suddenly, brutally empty, and he groans at the absence.

“Patience is a virtue, mon cœur ,” Ezra whispers, lining himself up, the hot length of him pressing inside.

Joel’s eyes are squeezed shut. He’s so full he’s forgotten how to breathe. When he opens them, Ezra is watching him with that look, the one that cuts him open and shines a light on all his most vulnerable parts. He groans, lets his thumb wander to the curve of Ezra’s lips, the corner of his mouth. Ezra takes it in, sucking hard until Joel’s cock kicks against his stomach.

“There he is,” Ezra pants, withdrawing and sinking back in. “So tight, songbird. Oh, mon amour , you do know how to treat a gentleman.”

“Ez, fuck–” he grits out, unable to focus enough to form a coherent thought, but Ezra’s mouth is on his again and he doesn’t need to think, doesn’t need to breathe, doesn’t need anything except the hot weight of his body rolling him onto his back, grinding into him, cock leaking and aching with the friction.

“Touch yourself, mon amour ,” he grits out. “I find myself lacking a hand with which to do so or I would happily make myself of service to the cause–”

“Ezra,” Joel pants, desperately trying to concentrate on adjusting to the aching, throbbing fullness within him. “Do you…ever…shut…up?”

Laughter, cut short as Joel clenches around him. “I suspect…you already know the answer–ohh yes –to that question.”

Ezra nudges that spot deep inside that makes Joel’s breath catch. He can’t resist any longer, palming his cock roughly as Ezra continues that slick, delicious slide, sawing over that spot again and again.

“Ez, ‘m gonna–”

But Ezra is preoccupied with the hollow of his throat, lips and tongue suckling, so sensitive it makes him keen. Joel lets out a cry as his cock throbs and throbs and spurts of come glaze Ezra’s stomach.

“Oh, oh, oh songbird that’s–”

Three sharp, almost painful thrusts and he’s there, spilling inside, then barely holding himself up. Joel pulls him down, revels in the weight of the other man’s lanky body on top of his sturdier one, stuck together by their shared mess.

+++++++++++++++++++END+SMUT+CUT++++++++++++++++++++

“Fuck,” whispers Joel into the white-blonde tuft of Ezra’s hair when his heart rate has finally returned to a reasonable cadence.

“Words…fail me,” Ezra mutters into his throat, and Joel grins and barks a laugh, full-throated and raw. 

“That’s not fuckin’ possible.”

“Aha, so there is a sense of humor somewhere under that brutish demeanor,” Ezra says, audibly delighted.

“Shuddup,” he mutters, nosing at the other man’s cheek until he tips his head up and kisses him with all the tenderness he can muster, which, as it turns out, is a great deal.

[can-of-w0rmz]

@shotofstress

When I tell you I read this I saw it and I WHEEZED I was in TEARS and I shouldn’t be bothered arguing about it but quite frankly I’m trying to procrastinate anyway and I’ve had a god awful week and need to take out my frustrations somehow, ergo, I’m going be petty not because this person disagrees with my reading of the novel, but because they implied that in reading queer or neurodivergent elements in a work, people “can’t see the important themes that the novel is about” which actually does piss me off a fair bit

Right so first before we argue we’ve got to decipher because English apparently isn’t this person’s forte for someone who is, apparently, such an avid reader and esteemed critic of English literature. Also I just realised I haven’t really provided any context here so apologies this was in response to that joke post I made about mischaracterising Frankenstein adaptations (again yes the pettiness is not lost on me but I’m embracing it anyway)

“He is not gay nor autistic” cheers this person disagrees that Victor Frankenstein is either gay or autistic. To each their own. Wonder what kind of backup they’ll have for that argument.

“Pls stop seen representation of us everyone bc u can’t make the difference,” Right so this is where we get confusing, I’m going to take a wild guess and I think they’re trying to say “please stop seeing representation of us everywhere because you can’t make the difference”, and I still don’t know what “make the difference” means, but we’ll go with it.

“read nothing new”, alright so they’re saying people who see representation everywhere read nothing new, and then the kicker that’s kind of the only reason I decided to respond to this anyway, “nor really see the important themes that the novel is about.”

First off, “stop seeing representation of us everywhere”, let it be known that as I make a hundred jokes about Victor Frankenstein being homosexual, I myself am thoroughly through and through without a doubt bisexual as the days are long. Absolutely love men. Also adore women equally. So no, I am not a Disney corporate executive trying to squeeze in as many queers as possible for the entire purpose of using the fact they have representation in media to excuse the fact it’s a shite film but also, not trying to revisit every old piece of media to squeeze representation where it doesn’t really fit or make sense just for shits and giggles. (Also just saying, you made this comment on Tumblr. So even if I was just going haywire with lgbt headcanons on my favourite media with no real backup, who gives a shit? Who actually gives a flying fuck? I don’t. Let people live, man. It doesn’t mean they don’t understand the source material just because they’re having fun and playing loose with it. It’s Tumblr, not a Netflix adaptation. Let people do whatever they want and have fun with it. It’s cool.)

But like I said, I do have backup and a lot of it so let’s get into that, shall we?

First of all, whoo, autism. I’ll be real not really a hill I’m going to die on but the wording you put of “he is not autistic” is just ridiculous because yeah, no, there is a lot of perfectly decent ground to read Victor Frankenstein as autistic and a lot of people do, mostly people who are autistic or otherwise neurodivergent themselves. Just because in the 18th century people didn’t necessarily have the language for things doesn’t mean they didn’t exist, and I mean, now we do. So what’s the harm in using it? They had their own language for things back then, do we have to revert back to speaking in early 19th century English every time we want to refer to a character who was written back then as neurodivergent or lgbt or anything else?? What’s the point in that??

But yeah, Victor Frankenstein. I can’t even be bothered to explain and to be honest every single other person I’ve said “Frankenstein is autistic to” has immediately responded “oh yeah, obviously”, even my father who famously is just hypercritical of all sorts of headcanons just went “oh yeah no for sure the man is definitely autistic no doubt about it”. So instead I’m just going to include some quotes.

My temper was sometimes violent, and my passions vehement; but by some law in my temperature they were turned not towards childish pursuits but to an eager desire to learn, and not to learn all things indiscriminately.

It was my temper to avoid a crowd and to attach myself fervently to a few. I was indifferent, therefore, to my school-fellows in general; but I united myself in the bonds of the closest friendship to one among them.

From this day natural philosophy, and particularly chemistry, in the most comprehensive sense of the term, became nearly my sole occupation.

Two years passed in this manner, during which I paid no visit to Geneva, but was engaged, heart and soul, in the pursuit of some discoveries which I hoped to make. None but those who have experienced them can conceive of the enticements of science. In other studies you go as far as others have gone before you, and there is nothing more to know; but in a scientific pursuit there is continual food for discovery and wonder.

Like I said, self explanatory. It’s harder to come up with an argument for why he isn’t autistic than why he is, and frankly, what’s the harm in reading him that way? It doesn’t really change anything about the plot or themes, and his character doesn’t change. It’s just a very probable diagnosis for said qualities. It doesn’t change them, whether you use that word or not. The concept of autism was coined in 1911 anyway, so its not like Mary Shelley’s going to be sat at her writing desk in 1817 writing in big bold letters “BY THE WAY, FRANKENSTEIN HAD AN AUTISM DIAGNOSIS.” It doesn’t change the fact that people still had autism back then, just because the term wasn’t discovered yet. Anyway.

Now, second bit. “He isn’t gay” – now, if you read Frankenstein and thought “ah yes, this man seems perfectly heterosexual to me”, then honestly, sure. Go ahead. But to say that reading Victor Frankenstein as queer in any way means that people “don’t understand the important themes of the novel” is completely bloody ridiculous because, again, there is astronomical ground to read him that way.

Victor Frankenstein never really shows interest in any women in the novel, except for Elizabeth, who he has been raised, since he was five years old, to see as his “gift” and was told by his mother since he was a very young child that he was going to marry her – to the point where his mother, on her deathbed, tells both Victor and Liz: “My firmest hopes of future happiness were placed on the prospect of your union. This expectation will now be the consolation of your father.” Also, they’re cousins/adopted siblings. If you don’t think that’s fucked up, even by the standards of the time, I’m not really sure what to say to you. Of course he married her. And before he married her, he generally expresses very little romantic interest in her bar just expressing as much affection as you would a close friend or sister, or seeing her as his “gift” who he “has to be wed to”. Read any other story from this time period, in this genre, and you will not be remotely questioning whether they’re actually attracted to each-other or not. In fact, here’s an excerpt from The Vampyre, another book born from the same trip to Geneva that Frankenstein was, by John William Polidori, about the protagonist’s love interest:

And that’s only part of it. So. Yeah. Victor’s lack of romantic affection for Elizabeth is not “a product of its time” nor “a product of its genre.” And The Vampyre is a short story.

And so you may be saying, “well, just because Victor doesn’t show any interest in women doesn’t necessarily make him gay”, and yeah, true that (ace and bi Vic hcs y’all are valid) but there is very good basis to take the reading that he is attracted to men.

For one thing, just the fact that he’s so particular about creating “the perfect man” is subject to a lot of queer readings in itself, but let’s be real here, you all know me enough by now to know that I just want an excuse to rant about Clerval and Frankenstein. And rant about them I shall.

First, I’m lazy, so here’s an excerpt from one of my previous essays I’ve written that I’ve never posted everywhere on Frankenstein in general:

Just as The Creature is Victor’s narrative foil, so is Clerval. He's equally ambitious and fascinated with the secrets of life, however he’s healthy with how he goes about it and healthy with how he keeps the balance between taking care of himself and pursuing his dreams, while Victor goes over the edge and neglects himself and his sense of morality to complete what he set out to do. He's supposed to represent the ideals of gothic romanticism in Victor and he's supposed to be his anchor and support, (something the Creature doesn't have), caring for Victor during his illness, (“reanimating” him, almost, once again showing that comparison between both Victor and Henry, as Henry “reanimates” Victor with compassion and cares for him after, and Victor reanimates The Creature in a haze of obsession and mania and immediately abandons him, showing what Victor could have been), and constantly accompanying and being sympathetic and empathetic towards him. I also find it very interesting how he does also seem to have those darker aspects to him, lying to Victor’s family about the extent of his illness and caring for Victor in his apartment despite the fact that, for all he knew, from the evidence lying around his workspace and Victor’s feverish rambling, he very well could have murdered someone, and Clerval chooses not to press him on the issue and instead to intentionally help Victor cover it up. The fact that Clerval exhibits these traits only makes Victor’s own downfall all the more tragic when we consider that it likely very much isn’t a stretch to imagine that Clerval, too, likely exhibits a lot of the same morbid curiosity as Victor; he isn’t a superhuman figure with purely positive attributes who is completely far removed from Victor’s situation, the only difference is that Clerval chooses to prioritise his own sense of morality over his selfish aims, which only emphasises the point that Victor’s downfall is, ultimately, Victor’s own fault. When Victor "kills" the Creature’s chance of the same support and love (his unfinished bride), the Creature kills Henry and sends Victor into a downward spiral of suicidal thoughts and heavy depression because the character that represented that stability, that romanticism, that balance of keeping healthy, is dead, and that throws Victor downward into his inevitable obsession with the monster's destruction and his own death.

On this point, I feel like it’s worth bringing up that a reasonably good case could probably be made regarding a lot of queer subtext in the novel, although I won’t rant about it excessively as it obviously isn’t the focus, the theme of love is a very prominent theme as I’ve previously mentioned with The Creature; familial love, platonic love, parental love, romantic love, and I don’t think it’s particularly much of stretch to suggest that Shelley, intentionally or unintentionally, might have added a lot more romantic subtext than given credit for. Not that it matters particularly narratively speaking what kind of love is portrayed, but in reference specifically to Clerval and the Ingolstadt chapters there’s a very good argument to be made regarding Shelley’s poor relationship with her own husband and how she may have projected a lot of her wish for that kind of care and sympathy into his character, perhaps not taking into account, or perhaps she did, how it would come across – author intentions are mostly lost with time and we’ll ultimately never know for sure, but even for the standards of the late 18th century when the novel was set and the early 19th century when it was written, “I desire the company of a man who could sympathise with me, whose eyes would reply to mine. You may deem me romantic,” and “your form so divinely wrought, and beaming with beauty, has decayed, but your spirit still visits and consoles your unhappy friend,” probably weren’t standard platonic sentiments.

And honestly on that essay excerpt, that still sums my thoughts on that subject up pretty much perfectly. After all, a character in a book talking about his best friend going “I loved him with a mixture of reverence and affection that knew no bounds” as well said best friend tenderly nursing him back to health, and the character talking about how his body is “divinely wrought and beaming with beauty” and gently pressing his hand and referring to him constantly as “my dearest”, “my dear” and “my beloved”, while living together and travelling together and talking about how his voice “soothes” him and “cheats (him) into a transitory peace”, pretty gay!

And yes, before anyone says a single thing, if it wasn’t already obvious from the essay excerpt, I do understand “the important themes the novel is about”. I do understand that there are more themes and characters and subject matter, and more than that, I bloody love it! Because this is one of my favourite novels! Of-fucking-course I’m invested in it on a deeper level than “ooOoooh what classical literature characters can I RUIN with my gay agenda today!” But you commented this on a joke post, a joke post, again, on Tumblr. No harm but Jesus Christ if there is a singular platform I can go on and just post stupid bullshit about two book characters from 200 years ago being soft and gay without having to justify that yes, I did in fact read the book, and shock horror yes, I do know that there are other themes, it’s bloody Tumblr. (Absolutely love you lot btw especially all my lovely fantastic incredible mutuals all your takes and readings and art is 👌✨ chef’s kiss)

Oh and by the way, op, I noticed you reblogged this:

And to be honest if I had to say any take or reading was a misunderstanding of the text, it’d be that one (as well as “Victor is sexist for cutting women out of the creation process” takes – Christ that’s just gross. And feels mildly if not explicitly homophobic.)

So just for shits and giggles to counter that argument, here’s another excerpt from the same older essay as before:

Speaking of Hugo, it is rather interesting how many adaptations and literary criticisms seem to go down the route of the Hunchback of Notre Dame moral of “who is the monster and who is the man?”, suggesting that Victor is the “true monster” of the narrative. And, as much as I am a decent Victor Hugo fan, (I’m over 50% through Les Misérables, have you seen the size of that book? I’d have to be), in reality the point of the story is that neither Creator nor Creation are more monster nor man than the other – Victor mutilates corpses and brings the creature to life, and allows Justine to be executed without owning up to his actions, and The Creature murders a child and a multitude of other innocent people, Clerval and Elizabeth who had nothing to do with anything and Ernest left completely alone with his entire family dead. We can’t acknowledge The Creature’s sympathetic qualities without also acknowledging Victor’s, and regardless, sympathetic motivations don’t make up for immoral actions.

Also this meme, which I can’t for the absolute life of me remember who posted it originally I’m sorry I use it all the time in GCs whoever it was you’re so valid:

[cillyscribbles]

🧵,❤️,💛,🎁, 🎷,✍️,🎬

ahahah oh wow thank you so much! i will never forget your kindness in giving me the excuse to Yap 🙏🙏 here's ❤️ and 🎁 that i've answered, the rest below!

🧵 What's your favorite production and why?

hahah terrible question for me to answer because i know this will probably change in the near future! i've watched a regrettably tiny amount of productions so far, but out of all of these i'm honestly super torn! 98 film is super dear to my heart as i've watched it upwards of a hundred times and know it front to back. 2005 moscow was strangely enchanting for me to watch because i'm a huge language lover and to hear cats in a language i'm familiar with was striking (the same with det ny teater danish cats!). tecklenburg has a special place in my heart because of the arc munkustrap has in there, and the costuming is fantastic in a "i didn't say it was Good, i said i Liked it" way LOL. i'm really hyped to watch vienna, broadway revival and shiki! so on the fence about this one! :3

💛 What's your favorite familial ship?

no contest, tugger & munkustrap. they're so very brothers to me. i always did read them that way, but a close friend recently commented that he'd always thought they had some sort of ex-boyfriends thing going on and i found that just too funny!! like yeah okay that's fair i could see that, shout out tuggerstrap LOL... but i like interpreting them as siblings with a relationship that's very... can i say authentic when they're both cats? especially the more productions i watch the more i'm deadset on thinking of them that way. them whacking each other and hanging out together and getting on each other's nerves makes me so happy. i write so many things about them just bantering and sticking their tongues out at each other and also being willing to kill for each other. it's just that sort of vibe to me!

🎷 Have you ever seen Cats live? If more than once, which was your favorite?

i never have, though i dream of it (and have had dreams of it) to no end! it must be a magical experience. i'm on the lookout, though - if i spot a production in poland or somehow in the baltic states, i will without fail go through hell and highwater to get myself a seat or a dozen. sadly those are about the only countries i could theoretically travel to for a cats prod, and i've never heard of a production there aside from the polish one. then again, i'm translating cats to lithuanian - and though there's virtually no chance of it going anywhere, to hear the musical performed in my native language would actively change my life, i think. :) perhaps one day!

✍️ If you had total creative control over a production of Cats, what would you change and why?

aside from the, you know, the racism and the xenophobia (there Has to be a way to make a song about a dog fight and a cat superhero not be racist like there just Has to be), and all that... i'd just add more dudes into the tugger fangirl lineup. i get why it's been girls and i know the boys are there as well Sometimes, on the down low, but i think we should even them out. that man's clearly striving for attention from everyone, go ahead and make the whole thing openly bisexual. it'd barely be a change, but i think they all deserve to be free with Equal Horny. come on now :3c

🎬 What's your favorite moment from the show? (can be from any production)

any time munkustrap and tugger annoy each other or check on each other or are physically affectionate toward each other i die and ascend into a new dimension; this is a simple truth about me. they are genuinely not only my favourite familial relationship but also my favourite relationship in the musical overall. but if i had to narrow down a moment, i think currently it'd be the staff exchange in tecklenburg tied with any time munkustrap goes to old deuteronomy like :( and nuzzles his hand because he's anxious or upset. i must admit i am not a very complicated creature hahah.

[fitzrove]

TdV Hamburg review!!

I saw two shows with the same cast (of note: Vincent van Gorp as Alfred, Kristin Backes as Sarah, Simon Loughton as Krolock) and hence feel like I have a pretty well-rounded view of this production (at least w this cast). I'm glad I went twice because things that bothered me in the matinee had less of an impact on the evening show!

TL;DR - Liked it a surprising amount though not sure how much of that is due to wishful thinking XD In any case, it's leagues better than Stuttgart 2021.

Spoilers/details:

- Sarah and Alfred both hear the "sei bereit" in nie gesehn and Krolock sings gott ist tot to both of them!!! The overall impression is that both are being tempted, Alfred just resists and hesitates more. Which I enjoy hehehe

- I like Simon's Krolock overall, he is a bisexual dirty old man with some Flair akdklsls. The more time goes on the less I like tenor/high voiced Krolocks but he had some great classical singing deep notes so he seems like a good mix, I'll take it. I couldn't altogether sense any Deep Depths Of Pain in Gier but it's ok, not my main fave number in the show anyway.

- Paolo Valenti as Nightmare Alfred is a highlight, and so were the other dance soloists (Ian Vrolijk & Kezia Coulson) tbh hehe. I love Carpe Noctem and they delivered. The choreography seems lots less straightwashed than in covid safety measure times (I guess I can excuse it in hindsight then, since it's proven temporary). Also I always love white vamp's slutty little black lace stockings hehehe

- Vincent van Gorp's Alfred was much better in the evening than in the matinee. I liked him from Sie irren onwards in both shows, but I really need Alfred to have enough of an "edge" to him, some level of seriousness in his devotion to Sarah, and in the matinee he just seemed cutesy and too naive. But his overall demeanor was a lot more to my liking in the evening (save for a few choices which must come from the direction, ie. he sulks and pouts after Sarah tricks the bath from him... I never fail to mourn the deleted verse where Alfred basically says he's into the teasing lol). Bonus points for what I read as lots and lots of repressed bisexuality in vor dem schloss hehehe

- TANZSAAL!!!! We get the best of everything: Alfred tries to run to Sarah at multiple points (most touchingly when she falls to the floor), only stopped by the prof - AND he faints during the bite >:))) and literally fans himself 😌 We also get a reluctant/disillusioned Sarah, which is my preference

- Kristin Backes as Sarah is great, she reminds me a lot of Sarah Brightman (in the poto music video which is all I've seen of her). Amazing vocals (even in roten stiefel which gets pitchy with so many Sarahs), convincing arc, no notes 😌

- Oooh another fun thing: Nightmare Solo 1 was covered by Herbert in the show I saw (Jonas Steppe was off so I had Andres Vercoutere, he did great), and Nightmare Solo 2 is a woman!!! (Anne Hoth). Very enjoyable, their voices mix so nicely >:)

- I had the pleasure of seeing Anja Backus as Magda once again (she was one of the big solid wins of Stuttgart 2021 for me, even if some other things in that prod were quite lacking). And idk I think everyone who sees her unanimously agrees that she slays 😌😂

- ANYWAY to return to individual scenes...... What sold this prod for me the most was the combo of draussen 2 (mostly in terms of Sarah and Alfred) and the electric finale (which you can't really fail at if everyone gives their all, which they did). In draussen2 Sarah was soooo fun (the switch seemed natural and hmm shall we just say that everything she did after that was pretty hot) AND ALFRED. Omg alfred... I really like how it went for him hehe, very bloodthirsty, lunges for the professor three times before Sarah stops him... The thing about this prod is that he kind of pulls Sarah close and they kiss super romantically (thats what I think I saw) before agreeing to maul the audience - which they go to do hand in hand. And like mmmmmmm this is why I watch this show!!!! It's about the Central Dark Romance (😂😎 sorry i'm annoying about my ship on purpose but omg I feel so vindicated) and the level of loss of morals and depravity it took to finally get there... ahhhhh

[pomegranateboba]

ArTw OC

i finally got my lazy ass onto picrew to make my OC guys i hope yall are proud of me

This is my OC (read self-insert) guys her name is Nicole

In her early 20s

Birthday is 17 February

Half Korean and half British, but lives in Korea

Juggles all 6 boys like some sort of harem (she has given up on choosing one)

"Summoner please don't do that" *proceeds to do exactly that*

174cm tall (5'8.5)

very bisexual (wishes there were more women)

You have chosen to keep reading. I hope you like reading because I have never written a longer post before.

Relationships with the boys:

Arcturus:

"guys he a lil clementine i love him"

She can crochet, so she made a crochet orange for him once

Protects him from Sirius

"rawr arcky" "...thank you Summoner?"

Likes hanging around him, because he's very approachable

Sneaks him out of work whenever his clan mates drag him to work, whether he likes it or not

Takes care of plants with him

Spared from her constant roasting

Her heart explodes whether he speaks

Spica:

First interaction: "Are you Rapunzel?" "Excuse me?"

"guys he won't let me braid his hair :("

Respects Spica a lot, because he's responsible (unlike her)

For his birthday, she has given him a chameleon named Pascal

Pascal now sits on his shoulder

Getting Spica out of work using force doesn't work, so she resorts to guilt tripping (it always works)

Alpheratz:

Nods in approval every time he prioritizes sleeping.

Likes taking naps with him whenever possible

*pointing at Alpheratz asleep under a tree* "eepy."

Lets him lean on her

"guys he keeps calling me short." "But you are"

"Why does his grandpa keep shipping us wtf"

Crochets a whole fucking blanket for this man

Sometimes points Spica in the wrong direction when he asks where Alpheratz is

Watches them fight like it's a K-drama (has snacks on her)

"It's like that scene in Harry Potter guys, except Sirius and Remus are Spica and Alpheratz and I'm Snape."

Pollux:

First impression: very squishable

Current impression: still very squishable

Absolutely adores Pollux

Flexes that she is like 2cm taller than him

"Short." "i'n nOT THAT SHORT-" "Short."

Her, Poll and Arcky are almost always seen together, and if they're not (Summoner gone), something is wong

"Or maybe I'm just with someone else." "BUT YOU KEEP DISAPPEARING"

Let's Pollux drag her out (away from Sirius)

Keeps snacks on her so that she and Poll can share

Vega:

"Vega my beloved"

Thinks it is very fun to tease Vega, considering he gets flustered very easily

Though she has toned down the flirting by a lot when Vega actually passed out once (very canon)

Looks up at Vega like ":3" and he replies "...how do you say that out loud?"

"He's very cute" (canon)

*pap paps his head*

Knows he is very overprotective, and constantly assures Vega that she will be fine. He doesn't believe her.

Vega is also spared from her constant roasting

Very affectionate to Vega, solely because he's always so worried about her.

Sirius:

"Sirisus T-T"

"Summoner, I got you a new bottle of shampoo since your old one seems to be running out :)" "How did you get into my room"

Is unable to keep Sirius out of her room, no matter how many locks and charms she places on her doors and windows.

Lets Sirius take her out (in all 3 ways, simply because)

She very much enjoys watching him perform.

Joins in when he starts practicing his acting skills out of the blue.

Has figured out how to read Sirius (works 90% of the time). Sirius doesn't understand how she does it.

Despite being a deep sleeper, she knows whenever someone (Sirius) has found their way into her room (most of the time)

Thinks Sirius is extremely hot and that therefore cancels out half his sins (emphasis on half)

*after a few hours* "wait...how did he know I was running out of shampoo?"

Personal stuff:

"where are all the women at?" (cue Sirius transforming into a woman)

Downbadussy. (no i shall not explain)

"Alpheratz is sleeping under a tree again." "...I almost asked what a tree was." "Nicole what the fuck."

Has a whole 3 friends in Mid Earthium. They do k-pop dance covers together (I might talk more about them if yall want.)

Bullies little kids on Minecraft.

Has like 100 Minecraft axolotls

Enjoys drawing (both digital and traditional art)

Sucks at sugarcoating her words

"Oh my stars I'm so stupid." "For real."

Her closet at home is like something out of a Pinterest board

Is very strong mentally, which is good because the life of a Summoner is very traumatic.

Is eerily calm because of that. It makes even Sirius uncomfortable

Hyperfixation. She now knows things ranging from the evolution of frogs to various medieval torture methods.

Keeps a pen in her pocket for self defense

"It passes airport security." "...why are you like this."

Either sleeps for 25 hours a day or doesn't sleep at all.

Her staple foods are water and bubble tea.

Can withstand cold, but instantly dies when it becomes too hot.

"It's so hot here." "My apologies, Summoner." "...I hate you."

[cambrian-creature]

Hello, and welcome to M*A*S*H enjoyers anonymous

Now tell us, why are you here?

(basically just a free space to talk/infodump, be free my sweet cheese)

Oooooh boy.

MASH is a show about war, but also mostly it's about people and how people react under stress. Something to note is that it's about the Korean War, but it's actually about the Vietnam War.

It's got its issues, definitely. It's not particularly respectful to Korean people despite being set in Korea. But it was the 70s so like. Idk, can't expect much. There's a lot to unpack in the way of imperialism. The show is very anti-war, but mostly focused on the Americans, which is pretty damn reductive if you ask me. There is also the misogyny and if one more person calls Major Margaret Houllihan "hot lips" I am going to throw hands. I'm not making excuses for any of this, but it's an old ass show and you can't get too hung up on it. ANYWAY, you asked about the good stuff.

The main character, Hawkeye, is this. Unhinged, sleep deprived, alcoholic surgeon who's just. Unreasonably good at his job. Despite the Horrors of War, he's still one of the kindest, most lovable people, and he only put Frank in a shipping crate one time, so it's fine. And the blood he stole was for a good cause. As was the money he stole and the one time he gaslit a guy into thinking he'd lost his mind. All for a good cause. He's so cool, he's a menace, he's a slut, he's deeply psychologically damaged, he's a little silly, he invented the principle behind Goncharov, he's even bisexual.

Hawkeye's best friend and roommate is Trapper John, fellow manwhore and prankster extraordinaire. He always makes me a little sad cause I think he's Hawkeye's best friend and Hawkeye isn't his best friend? To him, it's all temporary, and he'll get out of Korea and go back to his wife and kids and probably try to not think about any of it ever again, but Hawk's such a ride or die friend, and he depends so much on not being alone and. Fuck, man. He's just like me for real. No shit, I realized this a couple years ago, and it sent me into this huge spiral of wondering if my friends love me as much as I love them and it lasted like. Years. And then I did that thing people do where they tell other people about their feelings? Which was weird. But it was also cool and now I do not worry about that as much anymore. A little bit, because the fears never cease, but y'know. It's cool. Apparently I am also sad and lonely because I am FULLY spilling my guts here lmao. Don't read that. Fuck whatever BJ has going on, THIS is the Trapper Complex.

Also Trapper leaves like three seasons in and is replaced by Blow Job Hunnicut, who keeps saying shit like "man, I bet you sure had fun with Trapper, huh" and "boy this must be just like the good ol days with Trapper" like we get it, you're jealous. He's also deeply psychologically damaged. I don't like him so much, but I also haven't seen a lot of him yet so I guess we'll see.

Okay, now MARGARET. She's amazing. She's cool and fascinating and ALSO deeply psychologically damaged! She's a strong woman in the 50s, she's so angry all the time, she just wants some goddamn respect and also someone to hang out with her to do manicures. She has this fascinating mix of wanting to be feminine and pretty but also needing to be masculine and angry to get respect. She's a hardass, she's obsessed with the rules, she's so mad at everything all the time because she has so little control over her situation, she's just like my mother and I love her so much. She could do any man's job in that camp so much better. I like to think after the war she goes back to medical school and becomes a doctor and gets some GODDAMN RESPECT.

Also she's dating (she dumps him don't worry) this absolute schlub Frank who is. A garbage human being. He's so pathetic and funny but also like genuinely terrible and canonically homophobic. If he were in modern times he would vote for Trump. He's Mr. Patriot. He's the Yankee Doodle Doctor. He's a shit doctor. He's so funny to watch cause everyone around him is so funny and witty and good at snappy comebacks and he says shit like "ohhhh you- you- guys!! >:(" Like yeah Frank. Get em. Don't hold back. He's a real "why I oughta-" kinda guy. Apparently the actor got so much hate mail he quit the show which is honestly so mean and tragic because Frank is such a fun character. I want to watch him fail again and again and again and then cause more problems. He could call me a slur in a Walmart parking lot and I'd just laugh at him and ask him if his wife knows about his girlfriend. She doesn't.

When Frank left, he got replaced by this other guy and I have no idea what his deal is. My apologies to Charles Emerson Winchester III. People like him I guess. He seems boring next to Frank tbh.

Now lemme tell ya about Klinger. Actually lemme show you.

He's beautiful. Gorgeous. Show stopping. He started out as a bit character and the joke was that he was trying to get a section 8 discharge (sent home on the grounds of being mentally unfit to serve), but everyone loved him so much that he became a recurring character and the outfits kept getting better and it went from "haha man in a dress" to "he's a genuinely deep character and this is his coping mechanism and he is so afraid of this war. Also he's the hottest guy around and everyone knows it. Even the priest wants him carnally." Genuinely the best fucking guy. In the early seasons, the laugh track goes off every time he enters a room and it makes me so mad. Take his whimsical ass seriously.

Also I mentioned there's a priest. I'm not sure why they have a priest, but I think that was just a thing in the 50s. He's got too many names. You can find him currently in the Catholic Characters Tournament and it's funny cause the person who runs that keeps getting his names out of order. It's John Patrick Francis Mulcahy, cause they gave him one name in the movie and then changed it in the show like twice at least so. Four names. Anyway, he's the only priest I trust. He literally just wants to help people and he has no way of knowing that he's doing any real good so he wants recognition for his efforts but that goes against what he's meant to be doing, he's meant to be completely selfless, but he wants to know that he's at least doing something, otherwise what's the point. What's the point of everything he's worked for. What's the point of devoting his life to this. To these people and to his god and to being a good person. Because if he thinks of himself, if he wants anything for himself, does that not mean he's selfish? And that's bad, he can't be selfish, but he is because everyone is, that's just human nature to want to know the results of your work. Also he's convinced he's the second coming of Christ or some shit. I can't fully explain this one, but he really does think he's like. God's special little boy. Which is kinda fair, cause he gives fucking EVERYTHING to these people, to the doctors, to the soldiers, even to the enemy, because he just wants people to be okay. He wants people to stop fighting and to heal and to love one another. And he also wants someone to tell him he's doing a good job and that he's making a difference and he wouldn't believe them but it would be something. Also he wants to punch people sometimes. All the time. He could kick anyone's ass in single combat. I love him.

Am I missing anything.

RADAR!!!!! They put a child in a warzone but luckily he is hyper-competent and literally psychic. He makes me sad because he is 19 years old and he has a teddy bear and he is short and angry and eats a lot because he's a growing boy and everyone makes fun of him for having teenager behavior when he is!!!! A teenager!!!! He graduated highschool yesterday!!!!! He's the same age as me and he's in a warzone!!!!!! Get him out of there!!!!! Put him in college and let him work a boring ass fast food job like a normal teenager!!!!! And stop laughing at him for having a teddy bear!!!!!!! He's not even that short, it's just that all the guys in this show are at least 6 feet tall. Anyway, he basically runs the camp because Henry is fucking incompetent (affectionate) so yeah. This child is their commanding officer and the only one anyone respects.

Their actual commanding officer is Henry Blake. He just wants to go home and see his wife and kids again and go fishing and chill the fuck out. He's a good surgeon but genuinely a pathetic army man. But also I love him so much cause listen. He could just fuck off. We see another guy in his same rank and position who just hangs out in Tokyo the whole time making money off this shit. So despite being very afraid all the time, Henry sticks around in a shitty camp 3 miles from the front to patch up kids full of lead. He stays not out of any duty to the army, but a duty to his patients and his people, because he's a good person and a good doctor and genuinely one of the bravest people around. He could've been a coward and hid, but he stayed and he helped people and even though he knew the risks, it just never occurred to him that he could abandon his people to do it all without him. He stayed and he died and he never saw his wife and kids again and he never met his newborn son. He tells his oldest son over the phone to be good while he's gone, to stay strong and keep everything running until he comes back, and he never comes back. I am genuinely crying. Fuck. I hope he's catching the best fish at the big lake in the sky.

Anyway. I'm gonna stop before this gets out of hand. More than it has.

[woomycritiques543]

None of Moxxie's flashback with Chaz showed anything romantic, and that actually makes me uncomfortable. I'm not sure how old Chaz is, but he reminds me of those adults that look for young people who are inexperienced to defile them.

TW: HOMOPHOBIA, SEXUAL HARASSMENT, GROOMING.

It does kind of feel like Chaz was grooming Crim's son.

He also let the arranged marriage happen, and didnt mind sexually harassing Moxxie once he was no longer giving him what he wants.

The show, of course, sexualizing the situation, as even if moments where the sa is "sad" the show still wants to have it sexualized one way or another, while also having their cake and eating it too by giving Moxxie a "pitty" scene because of what happened to go "OH NO! CHAZ DID SA! HOW SAD! FEEL BAD FOR MOX HERE WHILE WE LAUGH AT HIM BEING SA'D BY BLITZ EVERYWHERE ELSE! SO WE CAN MAKE BLITZ LOOK LIKE A BETTER PERSON THAT HE ACTUALLY IS FOR DOING THE SAME THING- BUT WORSE!" but then having more cake and eating it too by also going "BUT WERE ALSO GOING TO HAVE BLITZ HAVE SEX WITH THE GUY WHO JUST VIOLATED MOXXIE IN THE ROOM NEXT DOOR! Because gay men only want one thing, and that's sex and control over other people! Love? Actually love where no alterior motive from a gay man? What's that? Never heard of it! So here's someone crying about having been assaulted while you're supposed to laugh at the fact that his abuser is having sex with another of his abusers off screen!"

-and having ANOTHER cake by going "It was just a plan, he didnt actually do this for alterior motives (psst. yes he did, yes he fucking did.), Blitz just wanted to help! It's not like he could have just snuck into the car and did this in a way that didnt involve traumatizing you further as "comedic effect! Because that's not hypocritical and more like "I need you to not get hurt for the job!" than "I want to save you because I love you!"" and ANOTHER cake by going "Homosexual men can love too- OH WAIT! Not really because it's only when they're being "tamed" by a woman! Otherwise they're sexual predators waiting to prowl on innocent bi twinks with wives! So we basically only want them to be straight, but made them bi to cover up the fact that we only use our gay man in the show to be predators or fetishized one way or another!-and use the fact that they're bi as an excuse to sexualize the male attracted part of them or demonize it while having the "true love!" be with a girl! Because really- we wanted them to be straight, but made them bi at the last second to cover up our own internalized homophobia with gay men! Oh no, hide your children and women the gay men are comi- oh WAIT! I mean.... HOMOPHOBIA BAED GAY AND BISEXUAL ARE NOT THE SAME WE'RE PROGRESSIVE AND GOOD PEOPLE WE SWEA-"

I know ive said this before, but this episode, forced gay/mlm marriage and all, really felt like I was looking at "gay hate" art from a homophobe. It's just gives gross feelings all around. It literally had not just a homophobe spewing hate, but the episode itself being homophobic by having the only mlm marraige in the show be a forced one covered in dildos (how nice... /s) and then have the man he's forced to marry be a sex predator that his wife must save him from. Again- how the hell did Vivziepop read her own script and not find this entire premise to be homophobic?! HOW?! Again, look at the contrast, and try to tell me, to my face, that this does "NOT!" feel homophobic to you in any shape or form.

Literally, this entire scene was two gay men who sa'ed this bisexual man, who has a wife, having sex next door and traumatizing the man who has a wife because "HUR DUR MALE PREFERENCE BAAAAED!" while the bisexual man cries about being forced to marry a man while looking at pictures of his wife and crying about how he's going to be forced to marry a "sex predator" gay male stereotype that his "loving wife" will save him from, and oh yeah, the episode is about how the bi man being sa'ed and abused is wrong and how murder is "so terrible to do!" while the writers laugh at him being abused everywhere else and HB is about murder!

Again- read this out loud, and tell me how it makes you feel. Because for me, this felt like one of the the most homophobic things that I have ever summarized- and that's really saying something.

In summary: The creators are hypocrites, have internalized homophobia, and this entire episode honestly should have never existed- it's that bad and contridicts Moxxie's entire arcs with how he's supposed to be "more of a man!" but at the same time "be proud of being feminine except NOT REALLY-" So actually, everything with this show contridicts itself now that I think about it...

Also just to respond to this comment real quick: That's nice and all, until you realize that the entire episode was doing the exact thing you claimed it "wasnt" doing. Also "all gay men" you know what "gay" means? "Gay" means to be attracted to the same sex, it can be used in different contexts, same with how the entire community coined what was once considered as the "gay" flag. As the definition literally reads: "Gay men are male homosexuals. Some bisexual and homoromantic men may also dually identify as gay, and a number of young gay men also identify as queer." so if anything, saying "You're not gay, you're bi!" or "You're not gay, you're pan! You cant call yourself or other people gay, even a fictional character, if they're pan!" unintentionally erases the many people in the world who still say both things to describe themselves. It's the same as how not everyone who's lgbtq+ calls themselves "queer" yet lots of people call us "queer" anyway. So calling the fact that as someone who calls myself "gay", that "YOU'RE QUEERING "WRONG!" YOU CANT CALL A HOMOSEXUAL PERSON "GAY AND CAN ONLY DO THAT IF ITS A MAN WHO JUST LIKES MEN!" is queer gatekeeping as hell. Hell, the episode tried to do this kind of gatekeeping too, which makes no sense, and if they wanted to present this in a way that didnt intentionally erase the fact that a bisexual person can call themself "gay" they could have just had the balls/vag to have Crim call Moxxie a "f^ggot", you know... an actually homophobic term? Because I see what they were trying to do with Crim (like say "Not every homosexual person is the same we have different labels!") but the way it was executed felt more like "Im not gay! Im bisexual!" as in "you cant CALL me gay in any context because im bisexual!" which felt very weird to me as someone who's bi. The episode and how it presents gay/homosexual men in such a fetishized, looked down upon, or dehumanized way doesnt make this any better.

[metalmaul]

I'm late to transgender awareness week and to TDOV, but life has been difficult for me recently. It is through that difficulty that I want to post this, however, so please excuse my lateness.

Jujube, my cat of almost 9 years, has been missing for 2 months. I still have hope I might see him again one day, but after searching without result, winter weather upon us, wild animals, cars, and a medical condition he has, I'm not so sure I will be seeing him again. It breaks my heart; he is my best friend... But that isn't really the point of this post.

I want to tell you something about my years with Jujube. I got him when I was about 19 years old, and I am now 28. In those earlier years, I was really rapid-cycling through my identity. I wasn't sure who I was, as many of us aren't. I tried on many different labels, some of which I don't even remember. He was with me through every step of me figuring out who I am— a lesbian, agender lesbian, genderfluid, struggles with bisexuality, realizing I'm a transgender man who is bisexual, struggles with asexuality, feeling i'm totally grey-aro asexual, realizing I'm not only a transgender man, but a whole cacophony of nonbinary genders that are complex and difficult to describe as well making me multi-gendered, and that I do have romantic attraction; that I can be bisexual and grey-asexual, and that's all fine. He was with me when I came out to my family as transgender, he was with me in the years after when my identity started to settle, even if I am still always learning things about myself and likely always will. New discoveries of nonbinary feelings, sexual attraction feelings that seem to come and go unexpectedly, I expect them in the future. But mostly, I know who I am, and I like who I am, and I like that I know who I am.

Through all of this; the confusion, the hardships, the constant misgendering, those slow to adapt to my identity, and the constant worry of being LGBT in this world.

Through all of it, he was simply happy to be my friend. He wanted to be around me. He wanted me to talk to him, and snuggle him, and love him. As a cat, he couldn't give less of a fuck about the human concepts of gender and sexuality. He didn't care about me shaving my head because it made me feel more masculine, or the clothing I wore, or the name I changed to. All he cared about was my, and anyone else who shared time with him's, kindness. He was my truest friend I could rely on through everything, because to him, I was merely a friend. A human being who looked after him. I can't ever thank him enough for that.

Jujube may be with us in this world still; I may get to snuggle him once again, just like always.

Jujube may also be in a world beyond us, where I cannot reach.

In either case, he is always with me, and I am always with him, through love. Forever.

We see so much terrible news about the people like us, because our lives are put in such terrible danger in a society consumed by hatred. Whether it be other people hurting us, or our dear departed who could not handle the stresses of it any longer. We grieve our siblings, our friends, our heroes, our community, our kids, our family. It makes it much harder for us to continue on in this world, but we must remember them, grieve them, celebrate them. We must seek justice for them, seek justice for all of us. We are human beings.

And we must remember that they are with us, and we are with them, through love. Forever.

I share Jujube with you during these times, and any times you're finding it difficult in this world, and within yourself.

I share Jujube with you when you are unsure, when you are finding your identity, and finding your happiness, even if you're not sure how or when you will find it.

Through all transitional periods, through all heartbreak, through all confusion, through all grief, through all stress, through all joy, through all of life.

If ever you need someone, someone who cares purely about your heart, your love, and your kindness— which is not to say that rage, and despair, and frustration are not important feelings for those in our respective situations, particularly those who face intersectional violence, and that to other humans who have nothing but vitriol for and dismissal of you, you must always be kind— but the kindness within yourself. The kindness you would show to an animal who merely sees you as a human being. An animal who overcomes the fear of befriending a giant allowing you to pet them. An animal who is willing to fall asleep beside you, even in your arms, purring away.

If you ever need that kind of friend, know that Jujube is always with you, too. And you are with him. Through love. Forever.

He is your friend, always. He supports you, always.

*As an additional note, I know many terrible people have had pets that they loved, and their pets love them. I also know that animals can be trained to inflict violence (such as police dogs,) and that the hatred and discrimination of pets' owners can rub off on them. Those are things to absolutely be aware of, and are very dangerous.

But I do want to share this post of my Jujube, my story with him, because it helps my grief to pass on his friendship to others. If you need someone who loves you, always, Jujube loves you, always.

[octisticsopinions]

"I do find it interesting that once again the TERF tactic is try and wrestle autonomy and self-control away from people who don’t follow your bigoted stances."

This is something I have seen from the right wing consistently. "The silent majority" "I'm saying what you're afraid to say" "everyone secretly agrees with me" "people are only pretending to not hate you they secretly think exactly what I'm thinking".

And if anyone disagrees, they pull out the old "anyone who thinks otherwise is r*t*rd*d" trick. Because obviously mentally disabled people's opinions don't matter.

In the case of transgender people, it's very obvious how much they need to shove them into boxes to justify their position, "if she's a transgender lesbian she's a pervert, if she's a transgender heterosexual she's trying to escape homosexuality, if he's a transgender heterosexual he's just a butch lesbian who clearly doesn't know as much as us, if he's a transgender homosexual he's (not joking this is the genuine most common explanation) read to much yaoi and wants to be like the twink from the yaoi, if they're asexual they're sexually broken due to their transition, if they're bisexual they are a super pervert, if she's masculine she's obviously just a man, if she's feminine she's a dipshit who's to stupid to realize men can wear pink" etc etc etc.

It's very infuriatingly frustrating seeing grown adults refuse to understand maybe some people are just different. This isn't really a sappy thing, it's just- they genuinely do not understand that they don't have all the life experience in the world, and that they aren't thr center of everything. And they are so trapped in their own bubble.

They genuinely think that transgender women transition just because they like wearing dresses, or transgender men transition just because they like wearing blue, yes this is a genuine position grown ass adults are taking on this. And now transgender people have to walk on eggshells to make sure none of their words are misinterpreted-

saying you feel you missed out on your childhood? You think girls have it so easy.

Wishing you were rich and white so you wouldn't have to deal with racism and poverty? You think women have it easier than men.

Saying you struggle with toxic masculinity as a trans man? Obviously the only reason you transitioned was because you are a misogynist.

The right have created this ridiculous fucking system to categorise transgender people into that is inherently contradictory and makes no fucking sense. I can't really articulate it fully but. They are in a bubble made out of excuses and being told everyone is in the bubble when in reality no one is in the bubble because the bubble is homophobic bullshit.

They think they are the smartest people alive because they can beat the most ridiculous, over the top, unbelievable strawman of a transgender person. They've never actually fucking talked to a trans person and they never will because they are fine with letting Elon Musk tell them that transgender people think they should control the government or some bullshit like that. And now transgender people are the ones that have to tiptoe around whenever they want to talk about their life experiences because at any sudden movement the conservative watching from the bushes could flip out about how they're making their dog homosexual or some bullshit.

My 90yr old Irish Catholic grandpa doesn’t miss with my gender. He’s never gotten my name wrong, or my pronouns, never even faltered over it.

It’s all so natural too: son, big man, young man…

We’ve never talked about it. He’s the only one who hasn’t pushed for details. He just accepted it and carried on because it’s not a huge deal.

It’s so comforting.

[papervulture]

my sister called me to tell me she might be pregnant.

and i remembered last summer when we sat on that boat and talked about why she told a male friend to get lost because she wouldn't raise a child with him; and i remembered how i was hoping that'd be it. that'd she'd stop. that she'd be too old. and i remembered how i read the biggest risk for the child's health would not be an older mother but an older father. and i remembered all i read about pregnancy and its risks.

she said the doctors told her it'd be impossible. and i remembered how our mother was told the same. and i realized that i didn't know how long and how desperately my sister has been trying to have kids.

she sounded happy, and i still feel bad that i almost asked her if she was keeping it. because on that boat, last year, she agreed that she didn't want a child with the man she was seeing, and didn't really want a child at all, if having one meant having it inherit all her genes - the diseases, the sicknesses, our father's nose.

and i feel bad for fearing what it means - for my sister, for her child, for everything else.

and i know i'm selfish and i know i'm afraid and i know her having a kid frightens me, for myself, in this selfish way that made me want to cut the call short.

i don't doubt that my sister will love her child, like our parents never loved us, never really loved us, but i know that i can't. but i know that i can't love her child, or hold her child, because the responsibility of another's life is something i don't wish to have.

i think i may be able to love her child by extension, somehow.

the idea of my sister pregnant and giving birth makes me want to throw up because it's like looking in a mirror and i hate mirrors.

my sister told our parents and they were happy, because they were finally getting what they wanted, and she sounded strange, as if the thought of reconciliation was something she's entertaining, and it stings like betrayal, because i thought we were on the same page about this: there is no reconciliation. there is no forgiveness.

but maybe she healed her scars or maybe she doesn't think like i do, even if we both are undeniably our parents' children, or maybe having a child makes her more inclined to change her mind. but i don't understand and maybe i never will, but i have made my peace that our parents have hurt me in ways i can only heal if i reconcile and forgive myself, never them.

and she said that she explained to our mother a while ago what being a lesbian meant, because apparently mom got it wrong, and when i said, mom wanted to get it wrong, my sister said, no, she just didn't know, and i wondered, and what does that excuse? and: why do you defend her now? it stings, like betrayal, because i thought we were on the same page, about this: they will never accept us. and then i wanted to ask her, have you forgotten how mom did nothing when her husband, our father, called you a danger to his (to your!) family and didn't want you anywhere around me when you told him you were bisexual? have you forgotten how mom only said, 'that's how he is'? but then i thought, maybe you wanted to forget, because you wanted to believe that people can change. but i - i have not forgotten. but i have also concluded that even if they can change, they have hurt me in ways that will never heal, so what does it matter, if they change? i can never trust them again like i did before i knew.

and my sister asked me, if i had met someone yet, and when i said no, she tried to encourage me, and i didn't know how to explain to her that i'm comfortable being alone, that i'm comfortable in my own company, that i'm not missing anything without a girlfriend. and now i wonder, if she just hasn't always been so very lonely even with her friends and lovers and now her child.

i need to look at my sister's text and tell her what i think about the gifts for our mother's birthday, and i need to tell my sister i love her, because i remember that conversation in the car she sold this year when i was nineteen where we were talking about death and funerals, and i need to see her this year, and i need to -

find a way to live with myself and the people i love and the people they love.

[intolerancecare]

Penguin

I can't forget...

that you chose the people who used me. I can't fathom what they have given you. loyalty?

disposing me is loyalty?

Cherry saying "I slept at aqeel's bed. his white soft bed. or "aqeel drove her to the accommodation/training HQ." She disposed me even if it's unnecessary. I don't understand why she have to pick me. what does she know? She is that big? Gozon is big? still bearing the yale diploma? up to what degree of relation? I tried to approach her and remove my biases because of aqeel. being right is my addiction whether you believe it or not. but every time I do so she will do something that will irritate me. she bragged about her then fiance who is the same height as aqeel (because her fiance really looks like a nepali). I think he was wearing a jersey and she? doning a bella look (angel's daughter) maybe she knows the same as antonio. Aqeel was after anna. Aqeel wore a jersey on the first day that we met her. When he invited the group to watch him play basketball. Can't remember who told me about cherry and aqeel kissing while playing a card game. That reminded me of a game that yorenica and the other boys played in highschool. I also don't remember who told me that she and aqeel has gone steady. like they are officially together... I don't know why i hate it that she seems to know something that involves me. I want to tell her now that she should have learned her establishments instead of me. There are so many treasures to discover in their department. I hate her. I hate her...

I accepted the offer of a guy friend. I'm a cool girl guy person. That bastard arjun. He asked me weeks before if I have a phone. He said he'll accompany me to buy in avenues. We were not close. I was always practicing with Mina and hesham. Honestly, collectively, i don't like their group (all the pinoy kuyas and ates) . I am always with private school kids. Mikele was the only public school in my group. We struggled financially during the gradeschool days of my siblings that's why they studied in public, but I tried to take them back to private upon entering highschool because I don't trust the community. Anyway. I was just using an analog cp then. heard about viber so I bought a cheap smart phone. I needed the laptop more. since he is the one who asked me i think it's just normal for me to ask him about viber. I practiced using it by messaging him. I still don't like him though. I know aqeel won't take me, so a smile, a nod everything was just a routine not unless he talk to me again or maybe ask my number so when i learned about him and cherry, I asked arjun to accompany me since he offered it first anyway. I don't want to talk to the 3 girls. that effing guy made a drama again. He cried on that day. BTW I know who lives in his flat. The girl in H&M and Dina's friend Carlos. I wa just planning to extend my loitering. Well dunno why he cried.Days after we had a team building in Marina. That guy asked me and then cried again. after we part that night, while walking with mina, i also cried thinking that his story that involves me is really sad. I was copying what usually happens in stories like that. what the protagonist usually say or do. it was just a try to be normal like what was long overdue for my age at that time. Yes, shamefully inexperienced. Peeps would say know. I really wonder how they recognize the poor 5 year old kinder student. He used me. He and cherry's excuse? It was not them who was talking to me. somebody else. You know I also went to marina with him once. My impression was that he is a bisexual. someone who can be a guy like my friends. Why? because he is a blabbermouth talking about gays who likes him. Push further? He has a price. I'm not rich to look down at them and I'm not for kuya jay's class so i thought maybe he is the match for me. He's earning like me. I can have a companion while finishing my responsibilities (I'm not the type who will let a man shoulder my burden) so I thought he's ok. if he's in a relationship then we're done but he keeps on befriending me. It's difficult to take back an answer. People don't understand, I have so many friends. I go out with them almost every night. He is the one who is alone only with jo. His circle is also mine but i hang around more so I really don't need him. He made me need him. I was the bitch and them the virgin and clean couple.

I lived a two faced life. I was loved at my father side. We were the needy with them. They are not them. My mother is poor not my father's. I am not them. I made them, right? His post? whatever we talked about. Shaming me more.

Bitter? They are dominating this world. They were promoted in a very influential industry and company and brand. I need to live alone. I need to work. I don't want to be with the likes of them. I was freed from him. That's why I am still thankful to Carlos he sealed the casket. Even if he rejected me my real addiction was satisfied. Right.

Ironically, I am a sarcastic person who always make mistake. Faux pas and evil thoughts.

[sortanonymous]

Set this to clown music... and I mean this man in general. (aka Toxic Pea is the worst Kirby YouTuber)

TW: Discussion involving a bigot, primarily around transphobia (and I mean as soon as the first picture), not to mention many other grim topics.

Look, as big a guilty pleasure as hearing of internet squabbling can be, I never wanted to be the one to actually discuss it myself. But I feel like I just needed to get this one out of my system sooner than later.

So in case you didn't know, Toxic Pea is a Kirby YouTuber who uploads tons of memes and lyrical covers of Kirby songs (never liked the idea of those videos btw). He was quite popular until it was revealed in January of this year that he had said the N-word multiple times on Discord even as he was told that it was a horrible thing to say, not to mention tons of other signs of him being a bigot with, at best, practically no respect for LGBTQ+ people, like for example prefacing videos alluding to gay ships by saying that he hates "gender ideology". Also he keeps making weirdly risque and gross jokes over Elfilin, which combined with his other actions somehow does the impossible in making me hate Elfilin even more. The list goes on, but believe me when I say I am far from the first person aware of this nor the one most affected by it, even if the big well-done thread that outed him has since vanished. I admit that I never really saw all of that coming, but honestly I briefly had bad vibes about him way back last spring when, in the wake of the tragedy in Uvadale, he made a YouTube community post basically saying that atheism was far more responsible for mass shootings than mental health or gun laws, and even when someone made a well-thought out reply with a strong counterpoint who happened to say that they were atheist, he opened his reply to that by basically going, "But God is real lol", and even if I believe he wasn't that rude throughout the response (it's an old post so it's either lost or extremely hard to access now), that frankly strikes me as a really douchey thing to say in a discussion like that. (I'm aware that he lives in Spain, assuming that counts for anything at all.)

When that happened and a ton of Kirby YouTubers understandably shunned him, he put out a classic crappy apology and from there has just spent the year as the most deplorable clown on the Kirby side of YouTube. He made jokes in videos about saying the N-word again, sponsered a trend called "Reclaim June" (take a wild guess how they feel about gay people) and questioned why anyone would be proud of being gay or trans, whined about his downfall and his peers disowning him through the classic "I'vE bEeN cAnCeLlEd!!!" talk, became Fortnite buddies with Mirth and defended her with some insufferable "JeSuS fOrGiVeS hEr FoR cReEpInG oN kIdS!!!" bs, and a month ago, after getting torched for using an old meme involving someone who distanced themself from him without their permission, went on a truly baffling, borderline drunk-sounding ramble of a Community Post that included claiming that all of his moments of xenophobia were faked, trying to indoctrinate people into Catholicism (he's that kind of guy as far as using his religion to excuse being such a turd), and randomly saying at the end that he was making a Kirby movie (he's like the fakest Kirby fan ever off his bigotry alone but whatever). (I should mention that he has said multiple times that he is bisexual, and it seems genuine to me. He's even hinted at taking shame in it over his religion and stuff. It's absolutely no excuse for his actions, but I feel like clearing that up as he seems to have some internalized homophobia or something. I've unfortunately heard of gay people being transphobes, and I have indeed heard more recently of bi people being homophobic, so I feel like I should clear that up, especially considering my own misconceptions earlier.)

That leads us to today when he reacted to people's distaste for him by first acting as if him being Asian had anything to do with it and acting like he's being crucified for nothing. He then claims he loves trans people like any Christian neighbor would before immediately breaking out into a diatribe about how much he pities trans people and how they are inherently sinful for "mutilating the body that God gave them for his/her ego" and that he's just as bad as them? Like he occasionally complains about people viewing Christians as inherently hateful people, but frankly he's doing nothing to help that image for the many good Christians who I can't help but feel bad for, the ones who practice their faith while not being hateful crapheads over it. Not to mention that he still has several people sticking up for him and occasionally even indulging in more explicit hate that makes him look that much more like an enabler. (There's admittedly not much that's too hateful, but there's a rare not-moved commenter under that post trying to counter his crap about transitioning being a sin through some half-decent house metaphor, and it turned into a long thread that included one dipcrap throwing out the T-slur, just to show how uncomfortable they could be.)

So yeah, Toxic Pea, true to his name, is a toxic pea-brain who sucks. Don't interact with him. I admittedly have some bile fascination in seeing how this mess evolves (if that's a bad thing, then let me know), but it's really unfortunate and honestly baffling how a franchise like Kirby can have such ignorant, hateful "fans". (Like it's not quite as oxymoronic as the concept of a homophobic Steven Universe fan, but it's up there.) So again, don't listen to this twat, and if this is news to you and you liked him, then I'm sorry I had to be the bearer of bad news for you.

(Edit: I don't know if this is too late too matter, but I'd like to apologize about my frankly close-minded response to his bisexuality, because it does seem genuine and that he's even so in on his belief of homosexuality being a sin that he feels ashamed about it, which may well be internalized homophobia. It's not at all an excuse or a justification for his actions, but I felt bad for being so close-minded about that aspect of him.)

[stevesbipanic]

Thanks @simpforsauron for the prompt hope you enjoy ❤️

Steve took a deep breathe before entering the diner, when Dustin told him that Nancy wanted to talk to him about us Steve had been very reluctant. He loved Nancy sure, but he didn't want to get back together with her and now that her and Jonathan had decided they were better as friends he was worried Nancy was trying to relight the old flame.

He saw Nancy had arrived before him, sitting in a booth looking nervous. He sat down across from her, "Look Nancy you know I love you but I don't think that we shoul-"

"I think I like girls, Steve."

Well. That certainly wasn't what Steve was expecting.

"I know that Dustin said that you wanted to try again with us but-"

"Woah woah woah, Dustin told me that you wanted to try again?"

"That little troublemaker!"

"Wait you like girls?"

"Yes, I think, well I still like guys I'm pretty sure, I know I liked you, but well, recently there's been this girl and well I know that you were cool with Robin so I thought you'd be cool with this."

"You can like both Nance, it's ok, I do too, apparently it's called being bisexual."

"Yeah, saw that in the library, so, you know how I'm feeling?"

"Yeah, there's um, there's been this guy recently."

"Is it Eddie?"

"Yeah, is it Robin."

"Yeah."

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Eddie and Robin had started going to the diner for a weekly "be sad over our straight crushes" meeting. Milkshakes made it better they guessed and it felt good to talk about them to someone.

"I can't believe you're in love with my best friend, Eddie."

"Hey you're in love with my best friend so we're even."

Right now though they wished that they'd gotten ice cream instead of milkshakes, because there in the window was Nancy and Steve smiling at each other.

"Are they getting back together?"

"They sure look like they're on a date."

"Fuck."

"Fuck."

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"He's so pretty, Nancy."

"You've said that ten times today, Steve."

Nancy had started visiting Family Video more often lately and now the two of them were watching Eddie and Robin argue over whether Rocky Horror or Little Shop of Horrors was better.

"Hey I had to listen to you wax poetry about Robin yesterday."

"Shut up."

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They'd decided that the adults needed a party without the kids for once. They were all sitting around Steve's living room all a bit tipsy and some of them a little buzzed.

"Truth or Dare, Nancy."

"Dare, do your worst, Steve."

"Kiss the prettiest person in the room."

Robin had rolled her eyes while Eddie looked dejected both thinking this was just an excuse for them to kiss each other and reveal their relationship that had become painfully obvious.

Nancy turned towards, Steve.

"Steve?"

"Yes, Nancy?"

"Could you move so I can get to Robin."

Steve smiles getting up and walking over to sit next to Eddie while Robin goes wide eyed and red.

"Is this ok?"

"Y-yeah."

Nancy kissed Robin softly on the lips.

"I've been wanting to do that for awhile."

"What? But aren't you and Steve back together? Wait aren't you straight?!"

"No and no, Steve and I are just friends and um well I worked out I'm bisexual, if that's ok."

"Ok! Of course it's ok, could you maybe kiss me again?"

Nancy goes back to kissing Robin giggling.

"Sorry man, I really thought you'd managed to get back together with her."

"No just friends. I ah well, I kind of have my eye on someone else."

"Oh you do? Who's the lucky lady, Stevie?"

"Just some metalhead I know."

"Oh. Oh."

"That ok too?"

Eddie doesn't answer Steve instead choosing to turn towards Steve kissing his soundly on the lips.

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The next week all four of them went to the diner together.