#'so comedy ensues'

[secretmellowblog]

After the National Guard successfully suppresses a rebellion, there is relief among the ruling class; they exhale and breathe freely again; and then, they turn from crushing those who attack to crushing those who flee. They turn from attacking barricades to attacking safehouses. The police are sent out in full force. The military occupies the city. Spies hunt for the dens of rebels, like hunting dogs for the dens of foxes. All the government’s forces fly out in pursuit of one object: that object is not the defeat of its enemies, as they have already been defeated; it pursues their annihilation. 

Chapter 2 of "Annoyances," a tragicomic fic about a badly wounded Jean Valjean and Javert struggling to force each other to walk back to Rue de l'Homme Arme No. 7 before they're both arrested, is now out! The new chapter is titled "Phantoms of a Barricade Which May or May Not Actually Be Dead."

Thanks to @fremedon for beta reading, and to @alicedrawslesmis and @pilferingapples for the original post/reblogs that inspired this.

[toughbunnyforever]

maybe try writing him a note next time idk

[wiezumbeispiel]

Saw that one silly meme and i knew what i had to do

The original (by @/CAFFSTRINK on twitter):

[ladyaster]

After Isa's redemption in KH3, I'll never find it not funny as a huge fan of FFVIII that the fanon consensus is that the new "nemesis" of the Seasalt Trio or at least Roxas and Xion is Seifer.

I dunno how much of the KH fandom has played FFVIII, and in-universe it makes sense given Seifer is the "neighborhood bully" of Twilight Town. However, given what VIII players know about him, it's hilarious and cathartic to see these two kids either bonk him with copied claymores in response to him trying to intimidate them into giving him their ice cream money, curbstomp him at Struggle right after calling them "lamers" or "chicken wusses", or accidentally drop half-eaten popsicles on his face when, in his universe of origin, Seifer was a major war criminal who, among other things, dropped all sorts of horrible endgame monsters including actual malboros onto a hugely populated city (which like any VIII fan can tell you, malboros are already nope on a stick in general, but in VIII in particular they're excessively brutal).

Roxas and Xion are just delivering Seifer some belated karma from 1999 is all and I'm loving every second of it.

[brainfilehasstoppedworking]

11 PM at the Ishimaru household

Kiyotaka: *walking in the house late*

Takaaki: *turns on lamp and turns to look at him* My, my, if it isn't Kiyotaka Ishimaru, The Ultimate Moral Compass. Getting home late. My, my. How low of you, Taka. *shakes head in disappointed*

Kiyotaka: I told Mondo that he needed to take me home early.

Takaaki: *sighs and continues to shake head* Mr. Ultimate Hall Monitor, a hypocrite. Goodnight, Taka. *gets up to go to bed*

Kiyotaka: Father!

Takaaki: *laughing mischievously*

Kiyondo while poking his head out of his bedroom door: Oooh, yer in trouble~~~

[quibbs126]

Oh yeah, so you remember how I said yesterday that I want a dragon to ship with Dark Choco?

Well now my brain’s mixed that with the post I made earlier about wanting that dragon I showed in the games, and so now the result is me wanting Dark Choco to date this thing (well not this specifically, but something that looks like it)

…Lowkey I kind of want to do that now though

[theinfinitedivides]

'yah!!!!!' 'what?' 'you. come here.' 'no, you come.' 'i'm coming!!!!!' *brief pause* 'oh.'

[catastrophic-crow]

do people really not read in their dreams? I've been thinking about making this post for a while bc i keep having dreams and reading stuff in them and i'm finally doing it because right before i woke up i had someone in my dream type something into their laptop and pull up an article and show it to me like, "this you?" and i read the full title of the article off their laptop screen and—is this just not a thing that happens in other people's dreams? like, the not reading thing. that's got to just be an urban legend. ...right?

[4-the-l0ve-0f-art]

“The Captain’s beloved…wait, what?!”

Capitano x Gender Neutral Reader one shot

Work count: 2.2k

Genre: Fluff, Comedy, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship

Rating: General Audiences

Trigger Warnings: none

Summary: The fatui discover that their Captain does, in fact, have a life outside of work and gossip between the ranks ensues. (Cue silly fatui shenanigans)

Ao3 Link

Capitano, the Fatui’s first lord and harbinger, contrary to popular belief, was respected and admired by his platoons rather than feared. There was a widespread misunderstanding both in and outside the organization that the Captain was a harsh and dangerous leader due to his mysterious nature. However, the people who worked under him knew better as they had grown to admire him the more they interacted with him.

He held himself with pride and treated his soldiers the same way he wanted to be treated: with respect and dignity. And in return, they learned the depths of this man’s strategic genius and strength. His strength was unmatched in combat and led his people well with good decision making and training. They could only hope to be as good as him in his various fields of expertise.

He was strict, and quick to discipline unruly fatuus, yes, but that did not stop others under his command from admiring him. And to emphasize this even more, it was clear that his fellow harbingers and even the Tsarista respected him, whether their goals and morals aligned with his or not. However, this made the people around him curious about aspects related to him outside of his work and title. He was a revered public figure and people were naturally curious about his personal life.

This is where you came in. You, his one and only beloved, the only person who held his whole heart in your hands. Not many people knew of this, but the Captain was a gentle man at his core, and you had somehow managed to uncover all of his being and see him fully as himself, without his title, without his strength. You knew this man inside and out, just as he had come to know you. It was a mutual love, one which even he did not know he was capable of feeling, and that made him all the more enamored with you.

This, however, people did not know. So you can imagine the surprise on their faces when you, an ordinary civilian, came to the Zapalyarny Palace and asked for directions to the Captain’s office. The clerk at the desk looked at you blankly, as if she were staring at an anomaly. This prompted you to try and explain yourself.

“..I’m here to drop off his lunch. So, if you don’t mind..?” You asked.

No response. The blank stare continued.

You already knew that you looked out of place in this grand palace with no Fatui uniform or mask on. But you were determined to make sure your beloved got his lunch, which you had specifically decided to make for him that day as a special treat for how hard he had been working while preparing for a business trip to Natlan.

“Excuse me..?” You said a little louder this time. That seemed to snap her back to reality.

“You cannot enter this place, only authorized personnel are allowed inside. If you’d like to meet our lord, please book your appointment accordingly.” She replied on autopilot, as if she’d rehearsed the same sentence multiple times.

“I’m sorry, I know you have your duties, but I’m here just to drop off his lunch. You can check with him yourself if you’d like..”

“He’s busy at the moment, please leave your package here and we will deliver it to him.” She replied. It seemed like you were being studied like a suspicious person who was attempting to sneak in.

Fair enough.. you thought. I was hoping I would get to spend a few minutes with him and see how he was holding up at work but that can wait till he’s home. And she’s not wrong, I did drop by without notice, so it makes sense for them to be suspicious.

Fatui soldiers passing by had also been glancing at the ongoing conversation at the front desk, eyeing the lunch box wrapped in patterned cloth in your hands with raised eyebrows. You decided to leave the food there, getting one last word in before leaving.

“If you could, please make sure it reaches him soon. It’s his favorite meal and I would prefer it didn’t go cold before he ate it.”

And then everyone watched as your ordinary self left, unaware of the number of eyes on you.

…

A pyroslinger skirmisher stationed near the entrance asked dumbfoundedly, “Did..did they just say that was the Captain’s favorite meal? Our lord harbinger?”

A cryogunner skirmisher who had also watched the whole thing go down as he clocked in asked another question right after, in the same state of confusion as the previous fatuus. “..Has anyone seen them around before? They don’t look like someone who would be seen standing next to Lord Capitano.”

And as the just as confused clerk left the scene towards his office with your goods in hand, excited chatter filled the halls.

Chaos would be the right word for it. You had left chaos in your wake with a simple visit to his workplace.

…

That night, as you and Capitano settled in to relax in your shared home after a long day of work, you asked him how his lunch was.

“It was delicious, my love.” He replied, gently caressing your face with his hands while looking down at you through his mask. “It felt like a treat to have your home cooked meal at work. You didn’t have to, but thank you. It made my day.”

You smiled and took his hands in yours as you nuzzled into his touch. “I’m glad you liked it. I was going to give it to you myself but I couldn’t enter the place.”

“You should visit more often. I’ll let the security personnel know to let you enter so you can come and go as you like.” He paused, clearing his throat. “..Seeing you in the middle of a long day would bring me relief.”

You felt slightly flushed at his straightforward choice of words. “I don’t think I’ll ever get used to you being so..open with me. But I like it, of course. I would like that as long as I’m not disturbing you at work.”

Capitano chuckled. It was like the angels decided to bless you today, really. “I will always make time for you, my love. Just as you do for me.”

You beamed. “Okay, okay, let’s get some sleep now, Mr. Loverman. We still have work tomorrow in case you’re forgetting.”

A kiss on the forehead and the rustling of sheets was all you heard before you were whisked away to dreamland.

…

Unbeknownst to you and Capitano, however, word about you spread like wildfire across the next few days between the excited fatui soldiers. Some from even the different departments under the other harbingers might’ve heard. The person who looked like a civilian, dropping lunch packed in pretty cloth for their Lord did not go unnoticed.

This was the only time someone unrelated to work had been seen asking for their Captain and questions about your relation to him were on the tip of everyone’s tongue during break times.

Two fatuus gossiped as they watched the Captain spar in training with his fellow soldiers, admiration evident in their eyes.

“Someone dropped off lunch for him? I thought he would be too busy having meals with high rankers from across Teyvat.”

And after a short pause the other replied, “Dude, hold on, does he even eat? I thought he was superhuman or something.”

“I know you’re dumb, but I didn’t know you were that dumb, my guy.”

“Hey! Just saying… anyway, are we even sure the people weren’t hallucinating when they saw the person drop lunch off for him?”

“I heard it was his favorite meal, freshly cooked, apparently. Who knows, man? Maybe it was a fan or something. Our lord does have a pretty big following, y’know.” The fatuus stated proudly.

Their lively chatter continued until they were called back into training.

…

A few days later, as soon as you found the time, you decided to visit Capitano at work with yet another home cooked meal. You wanted to make most of your time with him before he traveled to Natlan and having meals together would be a good way to wind down a little.

You entered the palace yet again, determined to meet him this time. It should be fine, right? He did say he would inform them..

And as you had hoped so, he did, in fact, inform them. As soon as the same clerk from before saw you, it seemed like her eyes were bulging out of her sockets. All you had to do was reach the desk and she confirmed your name and led you to the training grounds, where he was currently working. It seemed like some sort of training session was in the works, with all kinds of combat taking place between the soldiers in the distance.

Before you could ask her if you were even allowed to enter this place, she bowed and hurried back in the direction of the front desk. The strange behavior didn’t go unnoticed by you but now you had to find your way to Capitano across the opposite side of the field. Since you were here at last, why not just see things through?

The middle of the field was the most densely occupied with various people fighting in different groups, while what you recognised as skirmishers were practicing their aim at dummy targets on the right side. The soldiers were hard at work even in the harsh everlasting winter of Snezhnaya. The left side of the field, however, seemed less crowded compared to the rest as people seemed to be setting up their gear or resting. Your Captain, opposite to you across the field, was busy conversing with a group of soldiers who seemed to be listening to him attentively.

You decided your best option was to take the left side. It would be easier to walk through the calm atmosphere over there.

As you made your way through the crowd, people started to notice you. They were pretty intimidating with their weapons and muscled bodies at display so you decided to be extra careful to not bump into anyone and quickly made your way across, and as you got closer, Capitano’s voice became clear.

“The heat in Natlan will be unbearable. You will be stationed in the wild all day, so make sure you have the appropriate supplies to get you through the day. It is of the utmost importance that...what, what is it? Why are you all staring at me like that?”

The group’s attention shifted from him to you, as you stood behind him and tapped his shoulder.

“Capitano, do you have a moment..?” You asked as he turned around, his armor clinking from the movement.

“Oh, my love!” He exclaimed in a soft voice. “What brings you here? Hold on, let's get you back inside. You’ll catch a cold here.”

The group (and everyone nearby) watched in complete awe as his demeanor from before completely switched from authoritative to somewhat… joyfull? Was Lord Capitano being affectionate?

“I brought you lunch, but I can leave it in your office if you’re busy right now.” You said hurriedly, not wanting to keep him busy.

“No, that won’t do, my love.” He took the package from you and placed his hand on your back. “Eat with me inside.”

He then turned back to the group, who jolted straight up at his sudden change. “Finish the supply preparations once you’re done training. All of you are dismissed.”

“Y-yes, my lord!” They replied in unison and bowed. And yet again, they watched in awe as he guided you back inside the palace, ever so gently, one hand on your back and the other carrying a box wrapped up in a floral patterned cloth. A stark contrast to his all black and blue outfit.

…

As soon as both of you were out of sight, chaos erupted yet again, more loudly this time, with multiple voices talking over the other.

“”My love?” Did he just call them “my love?” Did I hear that right?!”

“What was that? What did we just witness?”

“That was so romantic, holy shit! Was that the same person we take orders from everyday? What the hell?!”

“DID THE LORD HARBINGER JUST… GET VISITED BY THEIR SPOUSE?”

“I thought that ring on his finger was for fashion…”

And that is how they found out that their beloved Captain, who seemed to have no soul outside of his work, was a married man with a loving spouse.

This proceeded to be the hottest gossip in the Fatui for the rest of the month, until they discover more about you from another future visit.

…

BONUS:

Sitting in the privacy of his office, you enjoyed your meal together.

“..You seem to work with very strange people, Capitano.” You said to him.

“Do I? How so?” He asked before you fed him a bite.

“Hm.. actually, nevermind. It would be even stranger if they weren’t strange, considering they work with you.” You chuckled.

You enjoyed your time together and went back home, leaving your beloved in confusion from your conversation, and the sight of you fondly feeding him for him to think about for the rest of the day.

[jungwnies]

f1 grid (1/2) | pranking your husband with your kid

୨ৎ : featuring : max verstappen, lewis hamilton, george russell, carlos sainz, & charles leclerc (click here for part two) ୨ৎ : synopsis (requested by 🫐 anon) : your little one confidently drops an “stfu” in front of their unsuspecting father, chaos ensues...

୨ৎ : genre : comedy ୨ৎ : tws : children cursing ୨ৎ : word count : 1699

୨ৎ masterlist ୨ৎ

ᡣ𐭩 a/n : quite literally one of the funniest things ive wrote LMFAO also cant believe i just stayed up till 4am to watch the sprint ... being a US fan is tough.

ʚ・max verstappen

mornings in the verstappen household were usually calm and routine.

max had his coffee, you had your tea, and your little one sat in their chair, happily munching on toast while the three of you chatted about the day ahead.

it was peaceful.

until it wasn’t.

because this morning, you had decided to spice things up a bit.

as max sipped his coffee, barely awake, your child, with the confidence of a seasoned pro, suddenly turned to you and said,

“mom, shut the fuck up.”

max froze mid-sip.

for a second, he didn’t move, his blue eyes going impossibly wide over the rim of his mug. you watched as he processed the words, his brain short-circuiting in real-time.

and then—

“hey! what did you just say to your mother?!”

max nearly knocked over his coffee, slamming the mug down so hard it rattled against the table. his full attention was now on your child, who sat there completely unfazed, swinging their legs innocently.

max’s jaw tightened, his usually relaxed morning demeanor shattered. “that is not how we talk to mom,” he scolded, his voice stern.

at this point, you couldn’t hold it in anymore, your shoulders started shaking with laughter.

max’s gaze snapped to you, bewildered.

“what—why are you laughing?” he demanded, looking between you and your unbothered child.

your kid, bless their little mischievous heart, grinned proudly and clapped their hands. “we got you, daddy!”

max blinked. “…what?”

you gasped for air between laughs. “it was a prank, max!”

his whole body deflated, his shoulders slumping as he sank back into his chair. he ran a hand down his face, shaking his head, still in shock.

“a prank?” he muttered, exhaling deeply.

“yep.” you grinned. “and you fell for it perfectly.”

your child nodded enthusiastically. “we got you good, daddy!”

max groaned, still looking visibly distressed. “jesus christ,” he muttered under his breath, before looking at you dead in the eyes.

“never scare me like that again. both of you.”

you and your kid shared a victorious high-five, while max sat there, sipping his coffee in defeated silence.

because, honestly? you would definitely be doing it again.

ʚ・lewis hamilton

it was the perfect start to the day.

until your child, with all the confidence in the world, casually dropped, “mom, shut the fuck up.”

lewis instantly froze.

his fork stopped mid-air, his jaw went tight, and his eyes flickered between you and your child with calculated precision, as if trying to assess whether he actually heard what he thought he did.

slowly, deliberately, he set his utensils down.

“where did you learn that language?” his voice was calm, firm—the kind of dad voice that reminded you of even your own father.

your child just blinked up at him innocently.

you bit the inside of your cheek, trying not to crack. the silence stretched as lewis continued analyzing the situation, likely recalling every conversation, every movie, every song your child had ever been exposed to.

finally, he looked at you. “babe?”

and that’s when you burst out laughing.

your child giggled right along with you, clapping their hands. “we got you!”

lewis blinked, processing the betrayal in real-time.

“wait.” he leaned back, shaking his head. “this was a prank?”

you nodded, wiping tears from your eyes. “you should’ve seen your face.”

your little one beamed, still thrilled with their performance.

lewis sighed, rubbing a hand down his face before shaking his head. “you’re both unbelievable.”

you leaned over, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “but you love us.”

he huffed out a laugh, wrapping an arm around you before gently tapping your kid’s nose. “that’s right. but don’t think you’re getting dessert tonight, little troublemaker.”

your child gasped dramatically. “not even ice cream?”

lewis smirked, taking a sip of his coffee. “nope. actions have consequences.”

you and your little one shared a mischievous glance, already plotting the next prank.

ʚ・george russell

george russell prided himself on being a refined, well-mannered man.

which is why, when your sweet, angelic child, sitting perfectly at the breakfast table, suddenly deadpanned—

“oh my god, mom, just shut the fuck up.”

—george absolutely lost the plot.

he gasped so dramatically, it could’ve been a shakespearean performance.

then, in the middle of his gasp, he nearly choked on his tea, sputtering as he set his cup down with an urgency that sent a teaspoon flying across the table.

his eyes were wide with absolute horror as he looked at your child, then at you, then back at your child.

“excuse me, young one?!” his voice rose an octave, his posh british accent making it all the more ridiculous. “that is absolutely unacceptable!”

you bit your lip, trying to hold it together, but your child's stone-faced innocence was making it so much harder.

george blinked rapidly, clearly spiraling. “where—who—why—how do you even know that phrase?!”

you couldn’t do it anymore. the laugh ripped out of you, and your kid cracked immediately, bursting into giggles.

george’s expression did not change.

he just stared at the two of you, utterly betrayed.

“oh. oh, funny, is it?” he sat back, arms crossed. “you two almost gave me a heart attack!”

tears streamed down your face as you gasped between laughs. “your reaction was...perfect.”

george sighed, rubbing his temples. “i can’t believe this. i thought i was raising a russell, not a red bull garage menace.”

your kid, still giggling, leaned into him. “sorry, daddy.”

george huffed, shaking his head. “mm-hmm.”

you smirked. “come on love, be a good sport...i guess we won’t tell you about the prank we have planned for next week.”

george froze, eyes narrowing. “next week?!”

and just like that, his morning was ruined.

ʚ・carlos sainz

dinner at the sainz household was usually filled with laughter, playful teasing, and carlos passionately explaining why bread is the superior food group.

but tonight? tonight was different.

because in the middle of enjoying his meal, your sweet, sweet child suddenly looked up from their plate and casually threw out—

“mom, shut the hell up.”

carlos stopped chewing immediately.

slowly, he set his fork down, his usually warm brown eyes narrowing in silent disbelief as he turned his full attention to your child.

“what did you just say?” his voice was low, steady—that kind of calm that wasn’t really calm at all.

your kid fidgeted, but to their credit, they stayed in character, glancing at their food like nothing had happened.

carlos inhaled sharply, rubbing his jaw.

“apologize. right now, por favor,” he said, his tone leaving no room for negotiation.

you had been doing an admirable job holding it together, but the sight of carlos going full dad mode while your kid desperately tried to avoid eye contact was too much.

a laugh bubbled out of you, breaking the tense silence.

carlos' sharp gaze snapped to you.

“why are you laughing?” he asked, clearly concerned that you weren’t treating this as a disciplinary moment.

your kid finally cracked, giggling uncontrollably. “it’s a prank, daddy!”

carlos' shoulders slumped in instant relief, his head dropping into his hands as he let out a deep sigh.

he shook his head, clearly trying to process his near-stroke, before pushing his chair back and pulling your child into his arms.

“dios mío,” he muttered, pressing a firm kiss to their head. “you scared me, mi corazón. never again.”

your child wrapped their arms around his neck, clearly pleased with their successful prank.

carlos pulled back just enough to look at them. “you know i love you, sí?”

they nodded, still giggling.

he nodded too, expression softening—but then, with a dramatic sigh, he glanced at you.

“you. you i do not love right now.”

you smirked, leaning over to kiss his cheek. “aw, but i love you, cariño.”

carlos groaned, dramatically rubbing his face.

“i should’ve known,” he muttered. “you are just as bad as lando.”

you laugh, "well who do you think i got the idea from, amor?"

ʚ・charles leclerc

charles leclerc was many things—a world-class driver, a monegasque heartthrob, a man with an occasional temper behind the wheel—but at home, he was a complete softie.

especially when it came to his little girl.

so when you suggested a prank, your daughter was all in—and naturally, charles never saw it coming.

it started innocently enough. dinner was almost ready, and charles was sitting at the kitchen island, scrolling through his phone, completely oblivious to what was about to unfold.

you stood by the stove, pretending to be annoyed, sighing as you turned to your daughter.

“you always take your papa’s side,” you huffed, crossing your arms dramatically.

your daughter, in full character, rolled her eyes. “because he is right most of the time!”

charles looked up, blinking in confusion.

“what are you two talking about?” he asked, already sensing tension but completely unsure why.

you shook your head. “forget it.”

“yeah, mama, seriously, just shut the fuck up!”

silence.

absolute, stunned, deafening silence.

charles' phone nearly slipped out of his hand.

his eyes widened to saucers, darting back and forth between you and your daughter like a tennis match, his mouth slightly opening and closing—but no words came out.

he finally managed to stammer, softly, “mon ange… where did you learn such a word?”

his voice was so soft, so betrayed, you nearly broke character.

your daughter held it together impressively—until she turned to you, and you both burst out laughing.

charles' entire body sagged in relief.

“oh, thank goodness,” he exhaled, rubbing his face. “i thought we had some serious parenting issues.”

you giggled, walking over to kiss his cheek. “did we get you?”

charles shot you the most unimpressed look. “i nearly had a heart attack.”

your daughter giggled, climbing onto his lap and wrapping her tiny arms around his neck. “sorry, papa. we were just playing!”

charles sighed dramatically, wrapping his arms around her. “i don’t know who is worse—you or your mother.”

you winked. “probably me.”

charles huffed out a laugh, shaking his head before kissing the top of his daughter’s head. “no more playing like that, okay, mon ange?”

she nodded, grinning mischievously.

but from the way charles still held her tight, he wasn’t taking any chances.

2021-2025 © jungwnies | All rights reserved. Do not repost, plagiarize, or translate

[haunting-hufflepuffs-basement]

Genuinely one of my favorite things about the maruaders fandom that is widely agreed upon:

Regulus is trans. Everyone assumes Remus is trans because werewolf behavior can look suspiciously similar to having a period. Shenanigans ensue:

*During 1st Year*

Sirius: *discreetly giving Remus chocolate during his time of the month*

Remus, in his head: HOW DOES HE KNOW? HOW DOES HE KNOW I'M A WEREWOLF? HOW DOES HE KNOW CHOCOLATE HELPS? WHY IS HE NOT SAYING ANYTHING? WHAT IS HAPPENING?

*Quidditch Locker Room*

Marlene: FUCK!

Sirius: What's wrong?

Marlene: I started my period and don't have anything on me!

James, who started carrying extras because he's a mom friend: Oh, here you go.

Marlene: *intensely stares at them* Okay if James carries the tampons and Remus is the one who uses them, why the FUCK is Sirius named Pads???

James: I. . .what?

Sirius: Abort Prongs. There's no right answer to this one.

*During a Study Session*

Regulus: Ugh, I'm so jealous of you sometimes Lupin.

Remus "Low Self-Esteem" Lupin: Why?

Reg: It's just that. . .well, if your mood is any indication, your time of the month is so CONSISTENT! Like, every 28 days like clockwork. You've never had 2 in one month or anything!

Remus, in his head: . . .is. . .is Regulus a werewolf too? Is this how Sirius was so accepting?

Remus out loud: You get it TWICE sometimes, how is that even possible?

Reg: I know right, it's so unfair!

Regulus: . . .

Peter: . . .

Regulus: So is there a REASON you've been stalking me or---

Peter: Are you a werewolf?

Reg: The fuck? No? Why---

Peter: KAY THANKS BYE!

*later*

Remus: oh my God Peter I didn't mean ASK HIM

Peter: Well how the fuck else was I supposed to find out?

Everyone start milking the comedy potential, or I'll have to write it myself! This is a threat! There's enough angst in this fandom, we need more pure comedy fics!

[scoupsakakitty]

so, I recently began rewatching NANA TOUR and woozi was bias wrecking me the whole time. 🫣

I really love your 14th member of seventeen writings, can I request for woozi and female member of seventeen moments in nana tour (they can be publicly dating or in secret)?

THANK YOU SM ♡

Public but Private | idol!Woozi x 14thMember | fluff

The clock read 3:27 AM when a loud knock rattled your hotel room door. Groggy and barely conscious, you blinked at the ceiling, your brain struggling to process what was happening. Beside you, Woozi stirred, his arm loosely draped over your waist.

Another knock. Louder this time.

"Y/N! Open up!"

You groaned, burying your face into the pillow. "Make it stop..."

Woozi sighed, shifting slightly but making no attempt to get up. "Ignore it. Maybe they’ll go away."

No such luck. The door burst open, revealing a camera crew and a very excited Seungkwan, who immediately froze at the sight before him. His mouth opened, then closed, before his eyes widened in realization.

"OH."

The cameraman was already filming. You barely had time to process before Seungkwan broke into a fit of laughter.

"THEY CAUGHT YOU!" he practically screamed, clutching his stomach. "You guys have been dating publicly for months, and this is the first time we actually get to see it?"

Woozi groaned, rolling onto his back and covering his face with his arm. "This is a nightmare."

"This is comedy," Seungkwan corrected, wiping away fake tears. "Now get up! We’re getting kidnapped by Na PD!"

You blinked, finally catching up to reality. "Wait, what?"

"Nana Tour, baby!" Seungkwan threw his arms in the air. "Pack your stuff, you have five minutes!"

With that, he and the crew disappeared, leaving you and Woozi in stunned silence.

After a beat, Woozi sighed. "I hate this already."

You flopped back onto the bed. "Same. But at least we’re suffering together."

"We’re going to Italy!" Hoshi shouted dramatically as soon as they reached the airport.

"You don’t know that!" Jeonghan countered. "We could be going anywhere!"

"I just have a feeling."

You stifled a yawn as you clutched your coffee, trying to stay upright. Woozi, ever the quiet observer, nudged your arm. "You’re going to fall asleep standing up."

"That’s the dream."

He smirked, but before he could respond, the staff handed out boarding passes, and chaos ensued as everyone tried to figure out their destination.

"PARIS?!" Seungkwan shrieked. "Oh, we are about to live our Emily in Paris moment!"

You gasped. "Boo Seungkwan, the Parisian influencer arc is starting!"

Woozi shook his head in amusement as you and Seungkwan dramatically linked arms, pretending to strut through the airport as if you were in a fashion show. Despite the exhaustion, he found himself smiling at how easily you could make things entertaining.

Hours later, the group finally landed in Paris, excitement filling the air. The members were split into teams for the day’s adventure, and luck (or fate) paired you with Woozi.

"This feels suspiciously like a setup," you mused as the two of you wandered through the streets of Montmartre, cameras following at a distance.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. They want us to act like a couple on camera."

Woozi sighed. "We are a couple."

"Yeah, but we’ve never really shown it," you pointed out. "I think they’re hoping for something more... affectionate."

He smirked. "So what? You want to put on a show?"

You raised an eyebrow. "Only if you’re up for it."

After a beat, he reached out, intertwining his fingers with yours, his grip warm and steady. "Guess we might as well give them what they want."

Your heart did a little flip—not because it was the first time he held your hand, but because it was the first time he did it in front of the cameras.

And when the footage aired, the internet would lose its mind.

[tsukimefuku]

3rd of july ˚ ༘ ೀ⋆.˚ nanami kento

piece written in collaboration with my beloved friend and one of my favorite people, @rahuratna, for nanami's (a.k.a. internet's collective husbando) birthday. 💜🧡 content warning: fluff/comedy/sugestiveness word count: 1k

Nanami wasn't one to make big celebrations on his birthday. Up until he met you, he'd usually go about his work day quietly, saving up a few extra hours to simply go bowling or visit his favorite restaurants for dinner.

After you both started dating, not much had changed. You'd simply tag along for whatever he had planned, and would usually surprise him with something by the time you both got home - a box of dark chocolate, a new set of lingerie, a nice warm scented bath, a new CD album he had been looking for.

This time, however, you decided to push your luck on teasing the poor man.

On his birthday, of all days.

"Kento, how do you feel about surprise parties?" you ask, hiding the smile pulled on your cheeks behind your tea cup.

On the couch by your side, you could feel Nanami holding the urge to flinch the moment you were finished speaking.

"They are not my favorite," he answers in earnest.

"Seriously?" you inquire with a faux disheartened look.

"Yes," Nanami replies, with a tinge of concern to his voice.

"That is... unfortunate, then," you ensue, putting your tea on the coffee table and pulling your robe tighter around your body.

His Adam's apple bobs as he silently gulps.

"Why?"

"Well, my plan was to surprise you when you got home, but I figured you wouldn't want to get instantly jumped. So I told them to wait in the room," you finally say, with a grave finality, pointing to the closed bedroom door.

Truth is, he has no clue what you are really up to.

"Darling…" Nanami sighs, ever so patiently, "I thought it would just be the both of us unwinding, like the past years."

"I… I'm sorry, I really wanted to surprise you with something different this time."

You do sound regretful, and he plants a soft kiss on your cheek in response. Even now, he doesn't quite find it in himself to be annoyed at you, even if the prospect of Gojo lurking around his bedroom is enough to send disgusted shivers down his spine.

"It's… fine. Let's get this over with at once, and then have the house to ourselves."

"Are you sure? I could always go in there and tell them to-"

"No," he counters firmly. "You've arranged something a little different this year, and I'm going to appreciate it."

"Come on, then."

As perceptive as he is, Nanami doesn't notice the mischievous smile tugging at the corner of your mouth. Naturally, since you have successfully planted a seed in his mind, a terrifying image of his pristine suits being tried on by students and his custom made bowling ball being transformed into a disco light by the white-haired menace he calls a colleague.

When you reach the door and step aside for him, he visibly braces himself, fingers almost straightening a phantom tie at his throat.

"Sweetheart, I need to go and fetch a scarf. It's a little chilly in here."

Bless his heart. He's actually playing along.

You raise your voice.

"Oh, I left the blue one on the top shelf. Your closet."

"Right."

Nanami heads in with the air of a man charging from the trenches to face a volley of cannon fire. He stops dead in his tracks, eyes taking in the room.

It is empty of people, for starters.

The comforter on the bed has been pulled back, the white sheets scattered with rose petals. Candles have been placed strategically on the bedside table and vanity, emitting the subtle scent of the ocean. On a corner of the bed, a few ribbon-wrapped gifts await; a small stack of books and a box of his favourite dark chocolate with orange.

You saunter in behind him and he turns to you with a look that is both a solemn reprimand and a loving promise of a punishment you may appreciate later.

"Hmm. It's awfully crowded in here, my dear."

"Well, the rose petals were quite chatty, Kento. They've taken up all the space on our bed."

"They have indeed, you little-"

You laugh as you slip out of his reach, standing coyly in the doorway.

"Have a look at your gifts first."

He narrows his eyes, but approaches the bed, fingers unraveling the ribbon that holds the books together.

"What do we have here? 'The Master and Margarita.' Ah, wonderful. 'Bowling your way home: A salaryman's escape from bondage.'"

He pauses and raises an eyebrow and you gesture airily for him to keep going.

"Fine. What's this one? The-"

His voice cuts off abruptly.

"Kento? Are you all right?"

Very slowly, he turns to you.

"You got me the Kama Sutra?"

"I figured it would make a nice addition to your collection. I may even borrow it, from time to time."

You approach him now, casually opening the book to where you've placed a strategic leather marker within the section on sex positions.

"Since it's your birthday, maybe you'd like to start with the Virsha here?"

He considers the page seriously, before taking the book from you and flipping through it.

"I'm not sure, darling. You've put in enough effort setting all of this up."

Handing it back to you, he watches the flush that spreads upwards, across your neck as you are presented with the Indrani pose he has chosen instead.

"How about you let me do the work from here on out?"

"Well... "

"No, I insist."

His voice has that special intonation now, the husky rumble of desire, the inflection of hushed intimacy, the promise of that playful nature that only reveals itself when you're entangled in the sheets together.

You lay the book down, open to the very instructive illustration.

"In that case, let me present you with my last gift."

"There's another?"

Wordlessly, the robe you've been so studiously arranging around yourself slides to the floor. His kindling gaze takes in the sheer, violet lace, the tiny flowers embroidered strategically over the parts of you that he will discover at leisure.

***

Later, when the gossamer material lies discarded on the floor, when his exhausted limbs entwine with your own, when his golden hair runs like silk between your fingers, you speak into the hush of the bedroom.

"Happy birthday, my love."

His voice is muffled from where his face is pressed against your stomach.

"That was quite the surprise party."

"Maybe we should have one every year."

He snorts indignantly, but his lips curve in a smile against your skin all the same.

[sandrasolos]

Dick hating BruTalia:

bruce and talia to me is... hes her terry long. thats how it is to me

[viasdreams]

Nightwalker ཐི❤︎ཋྀ

'No human blood' is an extremely grueling rule for Donghyuck to live by, his fledgling vampire urges consuming his every thought. Some days, he finds himself struggling to hold onto his humanity, constantly fighting against his insatiable cravings. His human facade slips one night when he passes you, your bloody hand unknowingly guiding his monstrous actions.

or haechan accidentally sucks your blood and drama ensues

pairing: vampire haechan x fem! human reader

genre: social media alternative universe (smau), comedy, fantasy, angst

warnings: slight gore, lots of talk about blood, profanity, sex jokes, jokes about death, actual death (not character death but all the vampires are technically dead) kys/kms jokes

a/n: ahhh my first smau !! is this an excuse to make jokes about that favorite era pic of haechan? YES IT IS !! this will be a very silly story and not like horror/serious just so we're clear, i just liked the black aesthetic lol. ill still be posting one-shot texts so don't worry your pretty little heads :))

status: ongoing !!

taglist: open !!

profiles (1) ~ profiles (2)

01 milkies boy 02 live tweeting his crash out 03 hyuck finally kicking the bucket (written) 04 one wet dream about mark 05 ive read some nasty fanfic about him 06 r u jorking my shit rn?!?! 07 ok throat goat!! (written) 08 bad case of the squirts 09 clock crazy hours on the toilet 10 raises gun to mouth 11 my girl weiner hard rn 12 you're going shit butt 13 NEED one to maul me 14 the hottest of all the smurfs 15 plz shoot me and not with that gun (written) 16 main ingredient in that yummy manwich 17 do you know how to tie a noose? 18 i hope you get roofied every day!! 19 im jisung, your new owner (written) 20 bleeding in my tweak zone 21 especially you anime mfs 22 just lost all desire to cum 23 chugged a thing of toilet bowl cleaner (written) 24 hyuck's unbrushed tongue 25 hot girls stay fartin 26 i wanna know what vamp dick feels like 27 contributing to my spank bank 28 fine ass dad (written) 29 he got you goonin 30 and what if i shaved my gooch 31 my girl looks like a bloody tampon 32 shes worth like six cows 33 that gummy yummy 34 eat that clam like its a tootsie pop 35 i love ingesting white creamy stuff 36 what if she wants to peg you? (written) 37 mpreg is very real

after: route: mortality ~ route: immortality

bonus: who's blood/dick do i have to suck | im not a sexbot, just a guy | yank on their peanits | die from lack of dick

[askew-d]

KAGEHINA FICS MASTERLIST

• ⭐️🎖️ jellyfish, by mysterytwin — hinata makes a list of things to do before graduation; and that includes confessing his feelings to kageyama. a wonderful story, so heartwarming. my utmost favorite.

• ⭐️ in transit, by mysecretfanmoments — while riding the bus together, hinata begins to discover about his feelings for kageyama. absolutely lovely.

• dare, by majesticartax — kagehina’s chosen to play a dare in which they end up locked in a room, and, of course, revelations ensue. this one made me scream lots. rated m!

• you know all the strings (and know just how to tug them), by artemisia_hq — 5 + 1 story about kageyama being whipped and can’t say no and hinata saying yes. domestic fluff.

• like always, by artemisia_hq — during their last walk home together, hinata becomes aware of his feelings and decides to do something about it. short story, yet so cute!

• ⭐️ i wanna know you, and i wanna love you, by momochai — kagehina go on a day together, or better yet, a date; even though they’re not quite aware of it. i was dying throughout all of this, outstanding!

• you’re grabbing my hands like they’re handbars, by mountains_6 — basically tsukishima being a third wheel when the three of them travel to rio, based on the extra bit of the manga, lol. short and endearing.

• 🎖️ a hundred or so hellos, by iwillstillopenthewindow — kageyama reincarnates over and over and hinata continues dying over and over. angst. a lot of angst. but still goddamn beautiful.

• let me in on the open secret too, by switmikan74 — kageyama doesn’t know that he’s dating hinata, until he gets hints from a shoujo manga. that’s so fitting, definitely worth the read!

• highway verse, series by emleewrites — a pixel cars au that i didn’t think it’d catch me until i read it and had dreams about this fantastic universe.

• ⭐️🎖️ if it wasn’t for you, by halfbloom (diphylleias) — in brazil, hinata learns more about relationships and what it means to have a bond with kageyama. got my heart effortlessly. such a delight.

• ⭐️ one more thing, by marks — it’s tsukishima and yamaguchi’s wedding, and kageyama and hinata decide to go together. can i please have more of this? sweet stories like this makes my heart melt, i swear.

• 🎖️⭐️ i can do better, by buu — kagehina compete over everything under the sun, and that includes kissing. and some more. in fact, every kagehina fic by this author hits. and this one… made me feel stuff. rated m!

• ⭐️ no angels could beckon me back, by lilacnoctua — heated arguments lead kagehina to heated moments with each other. a hot story with great development. loved every part of it.

• from this day forward, by emleewrites — kageyama tries to propose; it goes as badly as you can expect. so funny, seriously! i could easily recommend every fic by this author too, as well as esselle’s, but i’m gonna list my favorites anyway, so hang on!

• soft serve, by tothemoon — kagehina drives an ice cream truck to help karasuno; as one might expect, feelings are involved in between. summer fic, brings a ton of good emotions!

• 🎖️ famous v-league players make fools of themselves on twitter dot com, by crone_zone — the appearance of one hinata shouyou through the eyes of twitter users. pure comedy and it’s a whole show. gorgeous!

• room to grow, by mysecretfanmoments — things are different in their third year and hinata’s still learning how to deal with it. ah, young love! the best kind.

• raining verse, by emleewrites — kageyama’s cursed to be a kitten, hinata’s the one who finds him. i love a magic realism au, so imagine my happiness while reading this.

• future’s kiss, by mervousmer — kageyama somehow travels to the future for a moment, and hinata’s there, all grown-up. come on, time travels also have my heart! this one’s cute as hell.

• ⭐️ dethroned, by setkia — kageyama counts his victories and losses against hinata in his mind. what a gem! short and fabulously creative.

• saffron and cayenne pepper, by dontsaycrazy — neighbours kagehina: one only knows how to set the kitchen on fire and the other one’s actually a chef, what could work between them? everything, that’s the answer. a hit!

• on quarantining together…, series by winterey — social media kagehina making lives while on quarantine. fun and addictive!

• conflict of interest, by zukushou — more of social media kagehina, this time with journalists thinking they’re rivals when they’re actually… yknow *gay for each other*. just everything i’d ever want for them.

• ⭐️ with suds in your eyes (and a smile on your lips), by hqkrys — established relationship kagehina take a messy shower together. overall just endless fluff, which melts my heart!

• a bento for dr. kageyama, by zukushou — hinata leaves food for his husband and causes gossip at the hospital said husband works in. hahaha, this is definitely terrific.

• the best laid hands, by mysecretfanmoments — kageyama doesn’t even know how to deal with his own romantic life, so it’s best if other people don’t ask for advice. but what if it’s an advice for hinata? you never know :)

• ⭐️ better than firewhiskey, by mysterytwin — hogwarts au with kagehina! someone should definitely find this author by the way and give them a big hug. i want to. they rock.

• chase the light, my love, by thebeaming sun — kageyama planning to propose and earning support of his teammates. established relationship kind of thing that makes me smile.

• hinata and kageyama terrorise a simple interviewer, satorou masashi, series by call_me_j — story told in the form of an interview, including post time-skip kagehina of course. remarkable!

• optical, by kvhottie — kageyama wears glasses; everyone freaks out. do i need to explain more? hella entertaining.

• never doubt i love, by gentle_autumn_rain — jealous hinata thinks kageyama got a boyfriend. he didn’t. love these small misunderstandings that lead to a confession! so good.

• of gentlemen and scoundrels, by mysecretfanmoments — historical au with kageyama as a gentlemen in london and hinata who’s… well, not very much like him. the writing and the sexual tension in this is spectacular!

• ⭐️ save the last dance for me, my prince, by zukushou — prince kageyama and bodyguard hinata, as this fandom deserved. and such a well-developed at that. charming!

• patience, by mistonthelake — surprisingly enough, hinata discovers about kageyama’s crush on him earlier than the man himself. a lesson in being patient.

• wrestle for victory, by emleewrites — after their fateful game, kagehina decides to compete over wrestling. that’s definitely something they’d do and it got me hooked.

• ⭐️ oh we play, in autumn days, by aruariandance — kagehina being silly boys and kageyama getting a phone. is it because he wants to text hinata? that, he’ll never admit. i’d give it a hundred kudos if i could.

• ⭐️ ridiculous, by festivetrickster — yachi has to spend some time with kagehina in their apartment. the way they live just makes me suspicious of their relationship. no, like, this is indeed so ridiculous but i like it so much!

• sunstruck, by orphan account — kageyama gets the help of romero to sort out his relationship with hinata. seeing introverted kageyama slowly but surely trust his teammate and idol with issues like this makes me proud.

• ⭐️ sun above your shoulders, by longleggedgit — even in an universe where they go to different high schools, kagehina meet each other anyway. everything’s delightful here!

• the missing piece, by akaashism (acciomerlin) — kageyama deals with the changes in hinata. just adorable, i giggled a lot.

• the trouble with soulmates, by navybluewings — our sweet cupid hinata’s journey to get soulmates bonds fixed! this au rocks.

• five star review, by emleewrites — hinata’s hired to paint kageyama’s wall and they start a “friendship” out of it. amazing to see this unfold, so nicely done.

• 🎖️ for the best of all possible worlds, by tinygumdrops (curryramyeon) — an au about kagehina’s relationship journey from across countries, including letters. they meet while being apart and we see it unfold. is there anything better than this? majestic!

• at the tip of your nose, by cloesh_scribbles — where kageyama’s obsessed with eskimo kisses and hinata’s obsessed with him. please help me after this, the fluff killed me.

• the video series, by sunnyslipper — kageyama and hinata breaking the internet over and over with their videos. funny and spot on!

• alexa, play waking up in vegas, by attackofthezee (noxlunate) — kageyama and hinata get married accidentally. the thing is, i can totally imagine them doing this. they’re absurd and lovely.

• meat bun is a love language, by icecreamromantic — kageyama decides to confess using meat buns. come on, it’s stupidly perfect!

• slipping through sand, by majesticanna — an au in which kagehina meet in brazil. just so warm, waaah!

• high dose, by akaashism (acciomerlin) — hinata convinces kageyama that, because of a health issue, he needs kisses. i swear, these silly boys will break me. this is excellent.

• why do i feel like it’s (fake) love, by izucaii — hinata and kageyama pretend to be boyfriends while in brazil. a gorgeous fake-relationship story!

• ⭐️ a best man’s worse problems, by villainphilia — tsukishima, the best man for kagehina’s wedding, prepares his speech while reminiscing how the two dumbasses got together. all of this is just marvellous!

• five proposals, by dayoldcupcake — kageyama proposing, hinata saying no. done with the intent of giving me diabetes. chef’s kiss!

• ⭐️ plain as day, by emleewrites — hinata has a low self-esteem and kageyama tries to make him realize how wonderful he is. i died and came back. truly stunning.

• kageyama tobio reads thirst tweets (unedited), by popcornpearl — after making a bet, kageyama reads thirsty tweets and tries not to blush. it’s harder than he expected. rated m!

• i’m lucky to have you, zukushou — the famous “just woke up high in anestesia and i can’t remember my own partner” trope. pure comedy, love this for them.

• ⭐️ the obvious is at eye level (but i might need a step stool), by dr_awkward221 — hinata watching sakusa’s relationship with miya and slowly realizing things about his own his kageyama. i loove this one, it’s unbearably good.

• ⭐️🎖️ let the light out, by uhohshouto — kagehina make a bet in which the other one must ask for something of the loser. kageyama wants a kiss… and then something more. seriously though, i can’t believe this; it’s a wonderful story, so entertaining. rated e!

• epic, by esselle — a surfing au with hinata as an instructor and kageyama as an arrogant professional. this charming scenario surely made my day.

• let’s take this offline, by pas_dautres — office employees kagehina who meet through emails and reports. i had to add this, because it’s nice, surely worth the read.

• 🎖️ these hands of time, these hands of mine, by fireheartaw — kageyama being introspective over their story together and apart. light angst maybe, but the narrative’s so interesting and captivating.

• discordant, by majesticanna — academic rivals kagehina meet again as professors. so short but so sweet!

• 🎖️⭐️ pursuit verse, series by emleewrites — a gambler hinata and an attorney kageyama based on the ace attorney game. never played the game. but the story? deserves to be printed. if you never read it, you need to. hear me out: you need to.

• ⭐️ getting it right, by akaashism (acciormerlin) — play pretend boyfriends for miwa who end up actually having domestic moments and finding out more about their feelings, hehe.

• know you better, by mysterytwin — bakery worker kageyama and spell shop owner hinata in a world of magic! great development and very poetic.

note that this is based on the fics i’ve known since i entered the fandom and that i truly enjoy. either they’re famous or not famous, i’m just adding them here for my future self contentment and for those who, just as me, wanted a full list of kagehina fics upon getting engaged in haikyuu media.

if you think i should add more and if you have recs for me too, i’m accepting them! thank yoou.

last update: 3/3/24