#'i dont want to hear people fucking!!' well homeless people dont wanna be homeless or have to fuck in bathrooms either but here we are

[puppysdog]

one of the worst things i see on this app is people talking about who gives a shit if people have public sex in places like a bathroom stall (agreed) and the replies will be full of 🤓☝️ "umm im okayy with people being disgusting most of the time, but what if someone disabled needs to use the bathroom? they better not be taking up a stall because then id beat them up" and im like. will the fabled disabled strawman please share their experience of being inconvenienced by people fucking in a stall? can anyone actually give me an example of this happening or are we just making up pretend what if scenarios as gotchas?

[mrstsung]

I will die on this hill.

Ok ok so i keep seeing people be hating unnecessarily on the new shang tsung. Now he isn't the BEST shang but he's not the WORST either. In fact,he's alright. I like him. The only good thing about mk1/mk12 period. Mostly from god liu kang stans. Im not the one for this bullshit but the reasons they give are absolutely fucking stupid and can be immediately countered with by several points and potholes.

So how dare some of y'all.

For the people who say they dont feel sorry for shang tsung in mk12/mk1.

They (the god/"titans"characters) talk about choices but when it's the one they dont want them to make or have no other choice but to make to make ends meet or survive. Suddenly their the "bad guy" and made the "wrong choice"

Yeah just say you hate shang tsung because he was poor. Just say you're fucking an ableist pos and what you really wanna say.

You say shit about the new shang tsung (mk12/mk1) like you know what that would be like. Foh.

Nah i feel bad for shang. But now more so because he has legitimate reasons to hate the gods. And liu kang.

If you aint kissing boots or playing "nice" or being a "good doggie" suddenly you're the bad guy?

Shang tsung is now tge epitome of a character that if he had a genuine support system. Maybe he could have been nicer. Maybe wouldn't think about even going down a dark path.

You blame it on his past self. But if the new shang was fucked over by the gods. Whos to say he wasn't in other timelines too? If this is supposedly true.

Nah you want someone to blame to put all neatly in a box when it's not so black and white. The actor,alan lee, himself said shang tsung got fucked over by God liu kang in this game,and how could you not feel for shang even a lil bit.

Even if his other self helped fuel that. How could you not feel the same.

Shang has no choice but to steal souls in that timeline. The gods cursed him. Because they were salty. There are darker magics but somehow...shang is the problem? Shao kahn exists. Quan chi exists. But shang is the problem?

Yeah bias reeeeeeeks.

Shang tsung isn't a fucking punching bag. And I'll be damn if someone hates on a character thats supposed to be a "better the devil you know" and "i take no pleasure in this but i have to to survive" type.

Dont hate shang tsung for the shit he had to do. Hate the fucking gods that put him in that situation in the first place without genuine friends and help.

Liu kang had help. Raiden. And he takes that for granted. Never gets called in the narrative for when he does fuck up. But because shang is a "bad guy" suddenly we have to find someone to blame.

When the world of mortal kombat is brutal in the first place. Gaslighting shang tsung wont absolve liu kang for fucking up shit. Nor stop god shang tsung from (rightfully so) hating liu kang.

Shang tsung from mk12/mk1 is actually valid in being pissed. Just because you wouldn't do it. Dont mean that the character shouldn't. Or should be punished for his behavior.

Until you have been at the bottom of the barrel. Treat homeless people with respect and human decency. And know what that's like.

You can piss off with your hatred of this version of shang tsung.

Period.

I dont wanna hear a peep outta shang hatin ass jerks.

My man has done horrible shit in previous version. but holy crap he is so fucking valid this time for being pissed at liu kang this time in mk12/mk1. And i dont blame him.

So liu kang stans kick rocks. (Im not talking about those that actually have a brain. I'm talking about "those" fanboys specifically. Those "well actually *insert fave here* is better because he's swongest bestest guy here and i said so because he's the main guy and* like it's childish. Schoolyard rules. Like i love liu kang but not in this narrative,at all but mostly people who wanna suck his boots so damn bad and ignoring the shit he has done WORSE than dark raiden ever did and leaving shao kahn and quan chi alive....you know...the guys supposedly "worse" than shang tsung?! Ffs man. And it's worse because liu honestly hasn't earned a win past the very first mk game. It's just been handed to him. But especially godhood. I dont feel he's earned a damn thing and the narrative certainly hasn't made me lately feel remotely sorry. More so sorry raiden didn't discipline his bratty ass more. I feel sorry for the raiden enjoyers. Fr.)

Like bottom line. Mk12/mk1 shang tsung is poor,down on his luck,has to resort to lying because he trusts nobody. Has no friends. Has nothing. Has no other way. Even if he was honest. People would find an excuse to hate him for other reasons and excuses. Just admit that you fucking hate shang for no other reason than he's the "antagonist" and because daddy boon warner bros said you should. Go ahead lick those boots clean because there is definitely some bullshit among fans. But more so this pisses me off because the reasons they hate shang is based soley around plot. And because "bad guy" nothing actually fucking valid. Forgetting that shang tsung is just as valid(if not more because he lives under a corrupt regime)

Look i may not always see eye to eye with other shang tsimps. But one thing is for certain i won't tolerate disrespect from people who treat characters who are in the gutter in life like trash. Because i know for a fact they'd treat irl people like that.

"Evil" shang or not there is no excuse to treat him like shit because you didn't like how he did things. Because he wasn't "nice" enough for you.

And dont give me that dumb ass "tArKaT disease" subplot. You know that was horseshit. And is a disservice to mileena. That was plot convenience and you know it.

Same shit with quan chi. Tho i hate his guts,he don't deserve that. Basically treated like a slave. Wtaf nrs?! And people just accept this?! All the villains have been turned into jokes and y'all dont care. Y'all let it slide for some reason.

It's worse because this man is by all technicality an ASIAN MAN. And is othered so damn hard in the narrative it makes me sick. The amount of micro agressions i see in this game is astonishing. Fans dont help that. They just let it happen! Did y'all forget what they did to sub zero n scorpion?! They legitimately cucked hanzo and swapped clans like there isn't a difference between chinese and Japanese cultures?! It's irritating. It's more than irritating. It's infuriating. And downright disrespectful to the character,the VAs,and the fans who genuinely love the game series. New and old alike. If new fans are saying it sucks and they are taking creative liberties. That's not good. If new fans are saying the gameplay is boring and stiff and leaving the servers. Thats bad. When old fans be saying "we told you so" and saying they'd rather deal with mk11's crap despite everything. Yeah. Thats bad!

So if you even remotely call yourself a mortal kombat fan. Dont ever say shang deserves to be treated like he does in my face again! But especially mk12/mk1 shang tsung. Because that version is valid in his spite and deserves revenge. Period!

Vent over 🔥🔪🔥🔪🔥💀

"Baby,sweetie,my beloved sorcerer. You don't deserve this shit. At all"

Legitimately me the whole time seeing all of shang tsung's parts in mk12/mk1 cutscenes (like holy shit)

[violetreminder]

Salem is a hellhole, and its not even a unique hellhole.

I need to get out of this fucking city. My mother admitted recently that our moving here to Salem was probably the worst thing that happened to my life. Lately this has made me reflect more about just how I really feel about this city, and while I've never liked it, really taking time critically thinking it over more just makes me livid over this dump. While I cant and dont blame this place for *every* bad thing and inconvenience ofc, it cannot be understated how much of a fucking HOLE this city is. All the big employers that arent State work are mostly Caretaking or Medical, and failing that? Well I hope you love serving drinks and/or sliding into sub-mediocrity in any number of dead-end underpaying jobs. Once you get off that dead-end job and want something to do with your night? Well you get your choice of dive bar in which to play pool and hear the same people sing karaoke to the same overplayed country songs every night. Beyond that? Well practically everything that isn't a bar closes by mid-day since this place is packed to the brim with geriatrics, so really you can go do meth and jump off the pedestrian bridge into the Willamette for all the city seems to care. The city is also INCREDIBLY car-centric, which is already bad enough before you actually *drive* on the roads and realize the street grid may as well have been designed by a committee of 4th graders. Blind turns and piss-poor lane management abound. Wanna take a bus instead? Good Luck. To say public transport is underutilized and chronically underfunded is a MASSIVE understatement. Despite living just an hour south of Portland, home to one of the most comprehensive and effective public transport systems in the entire country, Salem only recently started running weekend service for buses after DECADES of not even doing that much (seriously it was 2019 for Saturdays, 2021 for Sundays, a reminder that this is in a CAPITAL CITY). Which stings so hard because in the early 20th century, like many cities of its time, Salem had a functioning and effective electric streetcar system that was totally ditched in favor of carving out these godforsaken roads ans suburbs in the 50s for a deluge of personal automobiles and the aforementioned underfunded buses. Yet more examples of rational and sustainable city planning absolutely destroyed by fossil fuels. Now, a moment of peace, because of course being here for basically my entire life has meant I have met many wonderful friends here. Even someone so filled with impotent rage as I am can take a moment to recognize that there are good things here, usually smaller, subtle delights, but I cant help but see a lot of those happening in spite of this foggy bog, not because of it. I cant help but feel some kind of helplessness typing this out though, because while these complaints are (roughly) valid, theyre far from unique. You can easily find this exact story told in hundreds of cities across America, especially in smaller capitals. The same destruction of public infrastructure, the same awful car-centric design, the same slow death that is living in a geriatric alcoholics paradise. Not to even mention the same homeless problem that plagues not only the entire nation, but the West Coast especially, and in this regard Salem *IS* actually a little more unique. You see not only do we have your standard homeless masses abandoned by the city to be swept into the clutches of religious organizations that just want to put more seats in their pews over actually aiding their community (or into the cold clutches of death if the churches dont like them), but *in addition* when the state closed its mental asylums it just threw the populations of those facilities into the streets of Salem, where they remain to this day weaving in and out of the State Hospital or the State Pen. Man if this had any organization or other ultimate point than "Salem sucks and will drain the life and joy out of you while calling you a bitch" I've lost it by now. I'm just so tired and angry.

[moonlit-imagines]

Headcanons for your First Date

Gallaghers x sibling!reader

warnings: i mean, shameless shit i guess. nsfw jokes? drinking n stuff

a/n: takes place around the earlier seasons!

prompt: anonymous: “I don't know if you've written something similar before but if possible could you please write something about being a Gallagher and going on a first date? (i'm happy with a headcanon if that works better)”

your family was a bit of a conundrum

but sooner or later, they all get the news

and the newest news for the gallagher family: y/n’s got a date

everyone has their own opinion on it

firstly, the momma bear that is your big sister

“be safe, dont get arrested, and call us if your date turns out to be a freak” -fiona

and then your protective older brothers

“i wanna meet them before you go out, make sure they know who they’re dealing with” -lip

“yeah, us gallaghers have a tendency to attract some real douchebags” -ian

and we cant forget the younger siblings

“is their family rich?” -carl

“carl, stop!” -debs

“what? i need a new xbox”

“are you gonna fall in loooove?”

those kids were ridiculously adorable

fiona helped you get ready for your date (with some input from lip)

“you sure you dont want one of my shirts? i can give you one of my shirts”

“lip, im trying to look nice, not homeless”

even veronica and kev popped over to help out (and warn your date)

everyone was surprisingly protective of you??

“y/n, try these on, see if they fit”

“oh, thanks, v. wow, yeah, i could work with this”

the fateful knock at the front door

you weren’t fast enough to answer

carl actually answered

“who the fuck are you?”

“uh...”

flying through the house and pushing carl out of the way

“hi, y/d/n, come in, come in”

this kid was kind of overwhelmed by the amount of people sitting in your living room

and intimidated when he was approached by several of them at the same time

“im y/n’s older brother, and you are?”

“y/d/n”

“yeah, well, y/d/n, you hurt my sibling and you’re dead, you hear me?”

“lip!”

your date was sweating very nervously

“im fiona, y/n’s big sister. you guys call me if there’s a problem, okay?”

“yeah and i’m kevin, the neighbor. if you dont have y/n back by eleven, we’re gonna have a big problem”

“do you all have to threaten my date? who’s next?”

as you were finally about to leave, frank stumbled through the door and left you date absolutely puzzled

you just let out a very, very long sigh

“hi frank...”

“what? you’re not gonna introduce your father to your s/o?”

“y/d/n...this is frank. he’s our burden”

“well, i wont hold the two of you up! have fun, use protection! we dont need another gallagher running around the house”

awkward silence while you guys got into your dates car

“how about we pretend like my entire family didn’t just embarrass the hell out of me?”

“i can do that”

your date took you to a restaurant and talked all about your lives, sometimes you forgot how you didn’t have the “typical family”

he asked a lot of questions like “do your neighbors stay over often?” “how many siblings do you have?” “where is your mom?” “are they always like that?”

you didn’t know how to answer half of those without making them uncomfortable

after a very nice dinner (that your date paid for, your siblings were very clear that you’d better not pay, you felt bad) you guys packed up your leftovers and realized that it was LATE

“oh, fuck, we’re dead”

you were laughing very hard while you said that

but your date went cold, believing that sentence

they didn’t have a great sense of humor

meanwhile, your family was all over the place

“it’s eleven-oh-three? where is y/n?”

“im gonna kill that kid”

“just calm down”

the two of you hopped in y/d/n car and sped back to your house, it was a lucky thing you didn’t get pulled over

your entire family was sitting on the front steps as you got out of the car and waved

lip stomped forward and you had to block him from the car

“no, no lip, that’s alright”

your date sped off so fast that no one got a chance to threaten them, maybe it was better that way?

“how was it? are you guys dating?”

“debs, isnt it past your bedtime?”

lets say everyone older than ian surrounded you for questioning

“well?”

“yeah, i dont think we’re going to have a second date...but i brought leftovers!”

you all gathered in the living room and picked at the remnants of your dinner while you told them what had happened and they told you about their worst dates/experiences

just having a few beers and hanging out until v and kev left, you and ian passed out, and fiona and lip went off to bed

[chococrab]

tekken characters being hoasts of chilean programs because im bored af

idk what im doing

Julia - Lugares que hablan

lugares que hablan is a tv show that is about knowing and enjoing the different part of the country by their nature and culture, i was fighting over put jun or julia but i think julia get this nature vibe so much more,,,a lot actually, is lit pacho saavedra maybe she laughts the same who knows, she would be a great hoast tbh would watch it 8/10

Law - Pesadilla en la cocina

show bout helping restaurants that are like bad ya know, he have a restaurant and loves it, even tho hes well,,,broke so he feel it, he have the feels in there to help, but he can be rude, really rude, when bad food is incoming, would be funky to see him getting angry 7/10

Lei - Alerta maxima

is a show bout polices getting delicuents, have to say more? like cmon lei is a police retired or not it works good, would be really dramatic but have some funnh moments with weird calls to the cops, i love this show and with lei more 9/10

Anna - Manos al fuego

stuff where people participate for money by putting their partners in a test of fidelity, lots of tears, lots of drama, something that anna would love to hoast and be involved in see that kiki, is fucking funny this but kinda cringe because people are stupid 6/10

Paul - La Vega

ninis go to the center of work that is la vega to,,,work, a place that open at 2 in the morning and ends at 1 pm where people sells a lot of like supplements for ya food, paul would actually make it better because he is more intense and he always say "no pain, no gain" he would make the contestans really feel that like suportive energy and maybe hate him because they are ninis and lazy af, i fucking love the participant suffer because mostly they are idiots 9/10

Lee - Espias del amor

this one is bout find the people lovers that meet on internet, I PUT LILI BUT ACTUALLY LEE IS BETTER, he would work hard in that these people find the love but most of the time failing probably, hes doing his best in make the person feel better tho, he have hoast energy alredy so ye, is kinda funny but not the best show imo 5/10

Claudio - Psíquicos

here is like a reality show bout people with supposed paranormal powers competing, man im- idk how to start is just funny af, claudio is a person with these powers so i see him in there evaluating with lots of care everything from this persons, is funny af idk if is the best but is funky 6/10

Asuka - 21 Dias

show where the host experiment for 21 days the lives or experience of other persons life, like 21 days homeless or 21 smoking weed, i didnt knew who put who could be experiment or wild but cares and is interested by persons life, was thinking bout hwoarang but it wasnt the right vibe, asuka would really put herself into that experiences just to like know what they are passing, she can be stubborn but really cares and probably wanna inform so yeah, dramatic and touching and funny sometimes 7/10

Sergei - En su propia trampa

ngl this is kinda of a bias, en su propia trampa is bout catching shitty people like thiefs, scammers and much worse things in their own traps and methods to fuck people up, i was thinking in leroy or feng for a moment but i think sergei have that vibe of wanting to give justice also by the fact that the hoast of the show is like fucking voldemort, you name him and all are like scared, sergei gives me that vibe too, also he can be funny in some moments so is really cool, fucking love this show 9/10

Zafina - El dia menos pensado

here is more dramatic since are irl paranormal histories apparently, zafina have a more serious and misterious aura and it looks shes into some of that magic with weird arm, i would love hear her voice narrates the histories like oh good, kinda spooky and really dramatic 8/10

Bryan - Mea culpa

is a show to tell the most shocking murders of the country with also some interviews to the victim and homocide, i dont like bryan a lot but if he acted in a serious normal template telling the history it would be so cool and would be a great show, more when bryan was probably into that things since hes a chaotic bitch 9/10

Fahkumram - Nadie esta libre

show where rebels goes to jail to know the lesson of what their action can end in, i see him doing that show specially to show them that jail is no fun, he have the experience and teach them change before they experience something worse, good show, like la vega but we see idiots suffer more, we love it 8/10

thats all bye

[arthurflecksgirl]

Artie falls in love with you / Arthur Fleck short story

Disclaimer: Suicidal thoughts, sex, drunk Arthur, romantic, sweet

“How...how many kisses?“

Arthur was lying on the couch, burying his face in the pillow. The two of you went out on a date for the third time today and you were truly in love with him.

“Just tell me sweetheart, how many?“ He mumbled. The couple glasses of wine werent a good idea considering that he was on his medication and was never really drunk before. You felt kinda bad about his condition right now. But you really tried to get him out of his apartment and did choose a good restaurant to finally get him to eat something. He never ate propery and looked kinda starved. Also a side effect of his meds. You felt good, watching him eating half a plate today, so you ordered some wine,too.

You kneed in front of the couch to made sure he's comfortable, petting his soft, sweaty curls “What do you mean?“

He smirked at you “How many smoochies will I get from you tonight?“ His face lighted up looking at you. His childlike grin made your knees weak every time.

You kept on playin with his hair “Many,Arthur.“

“But how much?“

He tried to get up and kiss you on the cheek, making kissing noises and almost fell from the couch “Oooops“ he buried his face in your neck “I almost fell. Good thing I fell in your arms,huh?“ His breath felt hot against your skin. The smell of his hair felt like home. “Yeah Arthur, I'm afraid you're a bit drunk.“

Arthurs smile grew even more “I'm not drunk. I just love you so much and need to know how many?“ A sloppy kiss on the corner of your lips.

“Countless,Artie.“

He sunk back into his pillow “Wow, thats a lot!“

You took the blankets and covered him with it “Just try to get some sleep,okay? You will get all the kisses when you're sober again“.

He crawled up under the sheets, his beautiful face lookin slightly weathered. “Hey (YN) wanna hear a Joke? “

“Sure“

“So this man comes into an libary“ he chuckles in his pillow already.

"...and asks for a book on how to commit suicide.

And the libarian said  Fuck off, you won`t bring it back"

He can`t help but laugh about his own joke. His dark homor said more about himself than you wanted to admit but you were very drawn to his view of things. He always seemed to feel everything with an intensivity you have never seen on someone else before. Eighter if he was happy or sad. When you met him he told you he never felt happy in his whole life but you felt like it changed dramatically since you dated. Knowing that he was all alone by himself, expect from living with his mother his whole life still breaks your heart. Never have you met someone more caring. He loves to make late night conversations while cuddeling up under the blankets, about everything that was going on in his head. Sometimes he had troubles explaining what he was trying to say but you loved his way of observing things around him. He payed attention wo every datail. You admired him, which he couldnt understand. He loved to be seen and he loved that you listened to him carefully. But he still wasnt sure why you loved him so much. You guess he wasnt used to this kind of attantion.

"Thats a good one,Arthur!"

He was getting sleepy "Yeah... you know what (YN) there are many more jokes in my journal, you know? I want you to read it. "

"The jokes?"

"The whole thing"

His eyes got heavier now.

"There are not only jokes in it" his eyes tried to focus on you "I was writing about you,too.I want you to read it"

Your hand slit under the blanket to caress his chest "About me? Really?"

"Yeah" the scar on his upper lip liftet when he did that smirk and it always made you blush. He even managed to make you blush while lying drunk on the couch. You felt kinda bad by getting turned on seeing him in this condition.

"I dont know Arthur, I feel like this is kinda personal. I dont want to disturb your privacy by reading your journal.

"Just do it!"

"Artie, you`re drunk. What if you dont want me to read it anymore in the morning?"

He was leaning  over to give you sloppy kisses again "Thats why I want you to read it now." He was pointing his finger at you "Hey, wanna hear another one?"

You gave him a soft kiss on his forehead "Get some sleep, Arthur. You need to rest now"

He falls back into the pillow and falls asleep with a smile on his face.

After you made sure he fell asleep you looked at his diary. He really said he wanted you to read it. And that he wrote about you.

You werent sure if you should take a look. This felt so personal. On the other hand... You were more than curious about what he might thought of you. You just started dating and had your first kiss some days ago. He was a really good kisser. You guessed he didnt really knew what to do at first but he was so emotionally involved. He seemed to soak up every second of the moment. Like he really wanted this. He was right there in the moment with you, which you loved.After the kiss he confessed that he never was with a woman before and you think he was a bit ashamed about it. But he still wanted you to know. You didnt mind. You thought it was cute actually. And you wanted nothing more than being his first. You would love him all night. Like he deserved to be loved.

Another stare at his diary. You put my hands on the cover. Arthur Fleck case number 064823. Sure he had some problems. But you wanted the both of you  to figure them out together. You wanted to hold his hand when he was in the waiting room to attent his appointments. You still werent sure what the exact diagnose was. You didnt wanted to upset him by asking too much about it. But you knew that he took anti depressants and anti psychotics.

You opened the first page of his diary. Some jokes, really dark ones. Mostly about death.

You turned the pages. Observations about homeless people. More dark jokes. Sad thoughts about being left alone.  You didnt really read all of it cuz it still felt like you were disturbing his privacy. So you tried to find the pages which are written about you and searched for your name to pop up and there is was.

Your name was written in big, red letters that looed like lipstick. With a big smiley. Your heart jumped out of my chest when you saw it. There was something so cute about it and you imagined him drawing this the night, after you met.

You took a deep breath and started to read as your hands were shaking.

"Today I met the sweetest girl. She was new in my neighborhood and seemed to be different from all those aweful bricks here in Gotham. She has a nice smile. An authentic one. Not like my own smile, which is never authentic for so many reasons. I dont even know what a real smile is. But when I saw her , I smiled and for the first time in my entire life  it felt like a real smile.

So she had those big packages to carry and i was just standing there, staring at her and suddenly she asked me for help. I was never been asked for help before. People tend to ignore and avoid me a lot. So I was very pleased to help her with her packages. We got into an conversation and I told her a joke. And she was laughing. I love it when people laugh at my jokes. I mean, I wanna do stand up comedy so bad. I need people to think that I`m funny. And I know I am. ---smiley face---

Anyway, I felt like finally someone sees me. The next day she came up to me when I was about to get to th pharmacy and she asked me out on a date. I couldnt belive it at first. I have never been on a date before. I was kinda nerveaus. Why would a beautiful, young woman like she is go out with me?

Of course I said yes.

I was dreaming about this for so long. Maybe she could be my girlsfriend. This would be a dream come true. I already told her that I have some issues, because she asked me why I was going to the city and I didnt thought twice and told her I have to buy my anti psychotics. I know that this wasnt a good move but it seems like it didnt scare her away. Well, she doesnt know how bad it really is by now.

I really hope that this time she is real and I`m not having visions or daydreams again.

Sometimes its hard to tell.

Some days I even think the meds make it even worse. But at the same time I am afraid to go off my meds. I did it once and I did some bad shit. I even ended up in Arkham for a very long time. Which wasnt that bad really.

Sometimes I think I felt better when I was locked up.

Not being able to leave my room, being with my thoughts all day, drifting away in daydreams gives me comfort. Its like ignoring the cold, dark world outside. The world doesnt care about me anyway. So why should I? The sad thing is, I still do care. I thought about ending my own life so amny times. Almost every day. But I never really tried it. Its just a game I play with myself.

How long? How long until it is not a game anymore?

How long till I have the guts to do it?

Oh man, I`m drifting away again. I wanted to talk about the GIRL!!!

She`s gorgeous. Just gorgeous.

I wish I could kiss her. I`m 35 and I hadnt had my first kiss yet. Its TIME!

I tried it once with this girls from scool i was in love with but I got so nerveaus that I started to laugh at her face and she thought I was laughing at her. Yeah well... she ended up punching me in the face and I never tried it ever since.

But I dreamed about it a lot. How would it feel to have someones lips pressed against yours? Softly and intense. To taste someones tongue in your mouth, to just melt into each other.I would never stop. I feel like a kiss is a connection on a higher level and I really wanna experience it with someone.

I got some other fantasies,too.

They`re pretty dirty and I dont feel like I can talk about them right now.

So i`m gonna quit writing for today and hope that the girl isnt already sick of me.

You turned the page and took a look at Arthur. He was humming in his sleep. Looking peaceful. All the words in his diary overwhelmed you up to a point where you didnt know what to think anymore. You hoped he enjoyed his first kiss. You really hoped your kiss was worth the wait.

The next page was just black scribbles all over the pages. Little drawings of people and cats. A lot of cats.

The next page was written on again.

"Today I woke up and wanted to die. I don`t even know why. It was just a gut feeling. I was miserable andthe darkness was caving in on me. But then I thought about the girls I just met and that she really seemed to like me. So I decited not to kill myself. Not today."

You thought about putting the diary aside. This was a lil too much for you. You didnt knew he was in such a dark place mentally. You were kinda scared but  couldnt stop reading eighter.

"So...I remembered her kiss, my first kiss and this memory was so strong. I am sure it wasnt just imagined. This time I am sure it was real. It has to be. I wanted to distract myself from suicidal thoughts and started to touch myself while thinking of her. Maybe I should write her a love letter. Or bring her flowers. Or both. I think I`ll do both. Anyway, I touched myself while thinking about sleeping with her and I finally felt something again. I tried so many times but my meds wouldnt let me cum. It barely happens. Thinking about her kiss, her hands in my hair, on my thights, between my legs.... and her sweet voice on my ear helped me a lot. I felt passion and  love and  I came so hard, you wouldnt even wanna know. I hope Penny was asleep and didnt noticed anything. This would be embarrassing as hell. I surely made some noises.

I imagined that I took her hand and made her dance all through the living room to Frank Sinatra songs and we got closer and kissed. She told me how much she loved me and how much she wanted me. I held her face in my hands and kissed her so hard, all my make up smeared up on her beautiful face. I am always wearing clown make up in my sexual fantasies. It makes me more confident.  

She just grabbed me and took my clothes off, threw them all over the room, threw me on the bed and covered my body with kisses. I felt loved for the first time in my life and all I wanted was to be inside her. To wear her like a coat that keeps me warm. I imagined her being on top of me, whispering in my ear how much she wants me to fuck her.  And yeah I know in reality she would have dominated me for sure. But in my imagination I just got on top of her and made love to her till she was out of breath. I could almost feel her breath in my neck, feel her sweet, soft hands all over me. It was just so real.  I wish it was real.

Could it become real some day?

My body was reacting in a way I didnt even knew was possible before.

I want to expercience it again. With even more details.

I think i wil get back to bed and try it one more time.

And afterwards I will write her a letter. Or two.

I just wish she never leaves again."

Blank page

Another blank page.

You put the diary aside and got up on the couch.

You crawled up under his blanket and felt the warmth of his tiney, fragile body which you want to hold for the rest of your life.

[knicole0527]

How Did I Fall For Unwritten History?

So I’m in a whole relationship right? Like a whole fat ass relationship. Like me plus her equals nobody else . Its kinda dope and kinda like coccaine . If she was a drug I’d take it . She grounds me . She makes love to my mind , heart , and then my body . Her way of words sometimes makes me feel stupid because she uses words I cant imagine using . My vocabulary aint that big . But ask me about math or science ? I’m definitely ya girl . She was my missing piece . If that makes any sense at all . We definitely have our rollercoasters but I’ll killl anyone over her and I stand on that . Best part its with who I chose and not who my parents chose or approved of. I actually dont care whether they approve of me or not. Mom didnt want kids anyways. As she put it, she likes “ a return to sender kid “ I know she used to joke about it but I later found it to be true. So at this point either you like my happiness or you dont. But anyways, So we met the first time at work, Afni Call Center to be exact. She was a bet. By bet I mean with green money with coworkers. So I bet that I would get smashed by this girl and they would each owe me 50 bucks. I mean who can turn down money. Plus she was kinda cute and I know she was watching my little booty when I would walk away . I was 80 pounds lighter when we first met .

But here lately things have gone to shit . I can admit I fucked up . Well in the beginning . I cheated . She found out . But I was honestly gone tell her everything but she found out I broke her heart all that and then some . Since I put all my business out there . Only reason why I cheated was because I wanted a kid . I wanted her for sure but I wanted a kid . As time passed us by I realized she doesn’t want kids at all . So I had to make a decision , kids or stick around for my one true love in my adult life . So I looked her in the face , I probably had tears In my eyes and told her I chose her . She looked at me with confusion for a little and I dont think she anted me to flat out give up kids. But I was gone doe what I had to do to keep her by my side .

Now before we get to me cheating . I had an apartment on Old Morgantown Road . I loved that damn space man . Hard wood flooring . Storage unit . I had a w/d hook up . I had a good apartment and I could afford it and be able to live my best life . Rent was 475 a month . Utilities and water ran me about 80 . So I was well within my budget . But my dumb ass got involved with this man who I thought I could change . I was trying to hear from nobody about nothing . I wasnt trying to hear that he was cheating because I felt like I gave him no reason to cheat . I was giving him everything and then some . Hell I let his stupid ass cousin stay on my couch . So they were living rent free right , I know stupid Kendra always doing dumb shit . I should have opened my eyes but I didn’t .

Well he and I are definitely no longer together . He got my little cousin pregnant . I dont know whats worse . That she knew he was still living with me . That she knew we was kin . That he knew we was still together , fucking and living together and I never ask for a dollar . Or that my bosses had to call me in the office with another one of my cousins and sit me down to tell and show me that he was cheating and she was pregnant . It even shocked me that she tried to question me about my niggas car . Like girl he and I live together so yes maam I’m gone drive his car . and she was in shock to see me in the drivers seat . huh . Aint that funny how it all played out though ? But you know , karma got took his dick for a minute . He got the worst news of his life . His heart was just as shattered as mine . His trust was screwed if not worse than mine . He found out that while he was too busy cheating on me , she was getting knocked down by his cousin . LMFAO SERIOUSLY . He did all that cheating and got that girl pregnant and ended up getting played himself . So while I was his woman , he had a side bitch who had a side nigga , but THE SIDE NIGGA HAD A SIDE BITCH . I hadnt had sex with him in a while because things started getting to me and I was becoming very suspicious so I was still going to get checked anyways . But yea . What a fckd up love hexagon . Crazy how we all worked together . But when I reached my snapping point . I became a little on the ratchet side and called his mom and told her come get her sons belongings because he was homeless again . My cousin didnt have her own spot so somebody had to come take care of him because by that time I was done pretending .

Shit got bad for me mentally . I had me fckd up . I lost my job and went broke because I drank and popped it away . I know definitely wasn’t the right thing but I just wanted to feel numb to everything . I didnt really care how I got high just as long as I as high I was okay and at peace .

Alot of time went by and my past came back . She made me feel safe . And she saw me ; like the actual me . She knew something was up . Hell I gained 50 pounds since the last time we seen each other . But when she came back . I dont know if I was more so excited to see her or trying to fuck her right there on the floor at work . I walked in the door and the moment I seen her ... I didnt care who I was talking to , I think Wanda , I’m sorry boo but I seen my old boo and just had to do it . I could not help myself I had to hug her before I did anything else . I had a little more weight on me too because during our last encounter , hmm hmm , I was a bit smaller and hadnt grown boobs yet . So when she seen me running 90 mph to her ; baby girl was in for a shock .

Time went by and we started seeing each other a little more outside of work . Then she started to spend the night . But when she started doing that , I think I made things a little complicated for her at her moms . I had no intentions of doing so but it kinda got weird because she wasnt coming home very much any more . But yall , when I had her all to myself . Do you know how many times I undressed this girl with my eyes . I mean she standing there fully clothed and I seen EVERY INCH of her thru them clothes . It was bad yall . lol . She kinda eventually sorda moved in ; even though I thought she had already moved in . Time went by and things were okay ya know . We were just in the “ talking “ phase and just filling each other out . She started to grow on me a little more than I planned . and then I wanna say it was my birthday or after ? Baby girl was so drunk . She , our mutual friend , and I went to go grab food and drinks . Weeellllllll , I trapped her into drinking and drinking and drinking . We got home ? and she drank and and got funnier as the night went on . I remember that day like it was yesterday and the videos I have are absolutely the funniest videos I have ever recorded . “ butt clouds “ and the car honk that about gave her a damn heart attack .

Anywho times have went on . We decided to go to hilltop and live there . Who would have thought we would live together because I was stern on not wanting to live with her . It was weird living there . Always wondering if or when we were going to get a roommate . Then ? Thats the first time I ever broke a heart . See , she was always wanting to like distinguish a title. Meanwhile I am petrified of titles and labels and shit . Plus I have labeled myself for so long I didnt want to put a label on she and I . So I waited and waited and waited and decided to test waters . By testing waters meaning , I caught baby fever BAD . LIKE BAD BAD . I wanted a kid so bad I didnt think about talking to her first , I was just hoping one day I could be like , surprise baby we are having a baby ; butttttt I was gonna tell her how I got pregnant IF if actually happened . But she kinda beat me to it . She seen the messages on her tablet and as you know it went to shit from there . I broke her heart . I wasnt sure if or when she would or could ever forgive me . ( its JAn232021 ) and I know she still hasn’t forgiven me for anything . Not sure if she will ever get past it enough to love me love me .

We made it official , May 2019. By that time the only things that mattered to me were building a life with her. Come August 2020 . We got a place together and as time went on, I knew something was wrong but I would rather ignore it than have to go to the doctor because that just aint my cup of tea. I hate doctors.. they always wanna diagnose people with shit. I just didn’t wanna be one of those people so I held out as long as I could before it got to the point of being unbearable . I lost yet another good job . At first they thought it was covid and it wasnt . I tested negative for covid . Then I had like 5 appointments that following week . I was put on all types of stuff . I was throwing up everything . I was crying non stop . I was doing things not in my normal regimen . Thats when things fell harder on her . Harder as in bills , and stress and everything . I became that burden . I became the thing in the relationship that puts everything on the line . I became the complete failure in the relationship .

I wasn’t able to help like I planned . in fact my checks were so small that every pay day because I had all my bills and people I owed money to on auto pay and I kept making promises, put me in the negatives . I was in the negatives for 3 to 4 months . So imagine being the one in the relationship who didnt feel welcome . Who didnt feel like I deserved the love and things like that . All I wanted to do was help out and I couldn’t . Made me want to pack up and wait until I knew she was gone so I could leave . I didn’t know what to do . But I knew I was pretty much of no use . I knew that she resented me . I knew it pushed things back so far it may never come back to normal .

But now , Im better than I was still struggling though .  But I have this amazing job . I have a job where I can do my part and not hurt . I have a job where I can finally help out now . But its not enough . I’m not enough . The love is not enough anymore . I have became disposable . I have become the one who broke and shattered her heart and trust in her adult love life . How do I come back from it ? How do I rescue something that may have already died ? Am I worth it ? Am I better off without ? Do I deserve her ? She deserves the world and I want to give it to her I do .

But idk , maybe my mom was right . just maybe the only things I’m good at are singing and laying on my back . Havent accomplished shit yet . Got banned from a job because I tried to put my hands on someone . Got fired from 3 good fucking jobs because of my health .

Im crashing at this point . My future is on edge . I am on edge . this is not cool dude . But I will play the hand I’m dealt . Maybe I will win and marry the woMAN of my dreams . Or maybe I will just fck it up once again . We Will See .

[oh-shit-a-baby]

Black Friday thoughts

(All the spoilers beware!!!)

with lala n ari (hi I’m @drawinglinesinarbitraryplaces if yall dont know me)

These were our thoughts the first time watching my digital ticket through. It will be long. There will be spoilers.

ITS JOEY

ITS KURT MEGA

I can’t remember how to spell her name but she looks like an excited child and i just Acting (it’s Jaime yall dw)

i was on board until fifty quid was an only

Robert forgot the choreo and lala just went OH MY GOD WHAT A DARLING so

DAN AND DONNA?????

E M M A A N D P A U L

I wanted a salad, but, now I have a child

Emma my darling I’m so sorry about ur sister

DUMBLEDORE????!?!?

BY GRACE DO U MEAN GRACE CHASTITY?!?!?!?!?!?

LADIDADAH DAY OH MY GOD

Paul ur such a mess ily

Emma shows up had an hour late with Starbucks

i dont really like getting hit by cars any more

i dont get flashbacks i remember bad things vividly

Both of the above are moods but who hurt them

PLAID

@drawinglinesinarbitraryplaces saw plaid and immediately said ‘is he a lesbian? Wait no’

What do you mean I have to look after a child

ITS THE OKAYS

Tim’s a mood

and even if I did, HOW WOULD IT FIT INTO THE SEDAN?!

Paul’s buddy bill

Well I will be GODDAMMED if he doesn’t have a merry FUCKING Christmas!!!!

We stopped for like ten minutes to watch @dialovesyellow being an idiot but we love her so it’s fabulous

At the same time though were not going to be able to do this in one sitting bc we spent like 30mins chatting to dia and heeter

Dumbldore grew a beard?? No??

No comment

He’s a chaotic mess but we love him

(Heather started playing the mii song on the piano while he was singing which was fUn)

FLASH! BANG! WHAT HAVE I DONE?!!??

But dumbledores voice is still stunning

How does he hit high notes whilst still not opening his mouth like at all

Jeez Corey that’s dark

Corey everything ur character says to lex is m e a n

MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEEEEY!! JUST FOR MEEE!!!!!!

why does anyone want this

no it isn’t cute

get away from it stop it

Lala: ROBEEEEEEEERRRRT

I want his jacket

WEAR ANOTHER GLOVE ETHAN

Fuck Ethan lost lexs sister

@drawinglinesinarbitraryplaces : Everyone’s wearing plaid they must be lesbians

Now we gotta talk to the imaginary spider from outer space

Not crazy but creative

A certified mess

Don’t u fuckin laugh

SEVEN FUCKING THOUSAND DOLLARS

CALIFUCKINGFORNIA

MY MOMS A BITCH

The new lil girl can’t dance but we love her

Califomia sounds like speed run from tto conspiracy theory

Nuff said

That’s not how cameras work babe

Legend

Jesus Robert and the girl who plays lex can s i n g

LINDA

Linda bribing people is a mood

Becky Barnes. Nuff said.

Linda’s buying four what the fuck

IN SO MANY WORDS YESS!

I HOPE YOU DONT GET A WIGGLY! I HOPE YOU FUCKING DIE!!

Well my children were accidents!

Becky is stunning but Linda’s also a bitch

Becky we love you

Becky my darling I’m so sorry

YEAH GERALD

Becky wants to fuck dumbledore

Jesus they’re both a mess

THE HOMELESS DUDE???!!??

OMG IT IS THE HOMELESS DUDE!!!!!!

They all just,,, got out of the line to dance around Becky and dumbledore

Oh my god it’s a train wreck!

(My favourite)

What do you say?!?!?!

Oh my god they’re a mess

Opening the doors!!!

DID YOU KNOW IF YOU SPEND MONEY, YOUR KIDS WILL LOVE YOU MAYBE??

Gotta love some capitalism

The cast is huge what is this witchcraft

COREY FINALLY GOT HIS OWN SONG ITS BEEN SO LONG

but his dancing there ?? stop it

GIVE US YOUR FUCKING MONEY! GIVE US YOUR FUCKING CASH!

Jaime up in here buying all of the fucking dolls

Linda u melodramatic bicth

ARE YOU HEARING THIS GARY!?!?!?

Linda’s like,,, ‘well shit guess I can’t buy four’

Gary really????

Shut the fuck up!

Fuck you! (Dramatically)

Kurt fucking up and stole a wiggly that’s a yike

Jesus this song is a bop

They spent approximately all of their budget on wiggly dolls and none on choreo

THATS where that comes from ooohhhhh

Joey only ever plays a douche with voice cracks especially in this show

Santa Claus is going to high school

Yikes what did he do to get banned from the mall

hes being a good father figure though

I get the feel he’s being slightly manipulative tho idk if that’s intentional

This is so sad lex play despacito

Yikes who’s beating Ethan up

GET IN THE KIDDIE TUNNEL

BECKY NO

TOM YES

Holy shit is Ethan dead

Jesus I’m going to cry Ethan no

NO!!!!! YOU CANT DO THAT!!!!!!!!

(Said in a Jeff voice) GET ME THAT FUCKIN DOLL IM JN A HURRY

I have pepper spray and I can use it more than you can ever imagine

(Said in a joey voice) I don’t know if u wanna wanna wanna wanna wanna wanna fuck with meeee

And YOU are the most special person in it. I KNOW THAT!

Joey either plays characters with all the voice cracks or dramatic low voices

Did joeys Randi character kill Linda

YES I FUCKING SEE HIM

The Black Friday from hell

Shopper mania and a fuck ton of it

Yeah bob,,, are you serious

Jamie’s in love with the wiggly immediately

Kurts character gets it

Jaime can do background acting much good

President kurt is a yike

ITS GENERAL MACNAMARA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

FUCK YEAH WE CALL IT PEIP

Just me and a few of my peeps

ok so this is a Thing

As in crisis and mcnamara

The crowd went fucking wild when macnamara showed up and so did I

Jeffs falsetto song is a whole bop

BOP

And these eldritch forces are rising

Jeff just yeets the wiggly ookay

President kurt is having a meltdown

Is this spies are forever

INTERMISSION

bop

jeff doesnt look like a child

What does this have to do with anything

I mean the high school song is a bop but

Christopher cringle

Mr humbugger

Jingle! Jangle!

If anyone sees two elves in my locker I’ll get expelled for sure!

What the fuck

height difference in elves

Also what the fuck

Is Robert Santa now

OMG I’m calling it this is the film they were talking about

good choreo !!

Robert Lauren and the new guy who I thought was Corey for like the first 20 mins are all good dancers

This song is still a bop

What the fuck am I watching (Tom not me)

Omg I was right

Santa turns into a teenager so he can reconnect with the youth?????

okay What is this and can i punch it

their expressions whilst watching the shitty film is a mood

Beckys the only sane character

Becky and Tom are such white names

Plot twist Tom killed his wife

(lala that’s mean I’ll fight you)

WHITE NAMES AND QUARTERBACK AND CHEER CAPTAIN IM

why can i see tears in her eyes from this far away this is so sad alexa play haus of holbein

Holy fuck did she kill Stanley

Well yikes

You say you killed your family, I hope I killed mine

Well that’s that we got exactly halfway through imma post this now

[alluresinterlude]

It’s become so bad to if I see a Black person even appear they are in a situation, I stop everything I’m doing to make sure they are ok. It’s an accountability thing for me now. Like if I see white women acting like cracka bitches to Black ppl, I check that (they don’t argue with Black women, at least in my experience no one has tried me back) it happened to me twice last week once in the park this white woman screaming at this Black man like SCREAMING in the park bitch was losing her mind, I didn’t even know the manner of the situation I was about to take my daily walk and I stopped & watched and made sure the man was fine, she hit him and just as I was about to say something I found out that was her boyfriend and all I could say was like.... I keep telling y’all about these yt women and y’all keep at it? Look how quickly she turned on him? It was weird. Secondly, I was at the grocery store and I seen this yt women beginning to scrutinize this older Black women because she didn’t know she was in line (which quite frankly no one would’ve known either) and went in front of her, I literally got out of my line and went over there to check her because that kind of behavior is not tolerated and I’m not going to sit back and watch something like that go down, nah u can go to hell and after I said something to her she didn’t respond or say shit and when the Black women noticed she was explaining how she didn’t know and even offered to let her back in front of her and she said it was fine. If all you was gone do was fold under pressure you should’ve shut the fuck up, u didn’t wanna be in line that bad and u didn’t wanna check out that bad either if you sitting far back with a big ass gap between the cashier and yourself. Go to hell. I’m glad God has never ever put me in a real situation to where I’d have to amp up on white people because He knows it wouldn’t end well for the other party, ever. And secondly, if you see inappropriate behavior or racism with your own eyes don’t sit there and ignore it. Don’t be a bystander, speak the fuck up! If we don’t speak up for our people who will? I hold myself accountable now more than ever. If I see Black people interacting with police I literally stop, ive learned that they’re less likely to hurt someone when others are watching. I could literally be scared for my life myself but it’d be selfish of me to walk away from situations like that and later learn that just my presence could’ve been the difference between life or death so I always try to show up for Black people in anyway I can I don’t care how it makes me look to others, I’m here for BLACK PEOPLE BEFORE ANY ONE ELSE. When I was in Atlanta, some white people called the police on this homeless man sleeping he wasn’t doing anything but trying to sleep. Where the fuck do y’all want them to go? & as I was leaving an officer or two I can’t remember I think one was in the car and the other was harassing the homeless Black man and kicking him and I was walking back to the car with my friend and after turning the corner, I couldn’t consciously turn a blind eye to that I went back and I stood there and I was scared as fuck but when I tell you his whole tone and demeanor changed (I talk shit, I talk a lot of shit and I tend to say stuff indirectly loud enough for people to hear it which I did) but the officer didn’t say anything to us, I stood there the whole time scared for myself but more scared of what could happen to that man and eventually they left after safely resolving the “situation”, Thank God. But those are instances I’m talking about white people dont understand calling the police on a Black person is the difference between life and death for some, for the most part, that is not a convenience hotline because you are uncomfortable with the presence of Black people that’s not our problem that’s your internalized issues you need to fix yourself! Fuck! Leave Black people alone! And I guess I just say all this to say, show up for your people. It something don’t feel right it problem isn’t and you don’t have to be directly up

[tigerheart101]

Back from a break

Sorry to my friends and fellows for my silence. i took a major mental health break.

 because i learned that the majority of this world is made up of liars. Even people who claim the best intentions, when they find a weaker soul they will manipulate their ways into a win. 

The day when a slightly troubled but generally obsesssively careful and good person is prosecuted when they helped someone who was legit a bad person with bad habits and they helped this person be good and happy and just generally well behaved but still be themselves. then just one day the good person is so emotionally and mentally drained because they have overloaded themselves with work because everyone keeps saying they can handle it that their smart enough their strong enough except that bad person who all though they never out right said anything they constantly reminded them they were nothing but what others wanted them to be then eventually this good person snaps.. stops talking, stops function and ultimately STOPPED HELPING.  my best friend who i have learned is 1 of the only people i have ever been able to trust more then my own family finally said to me.  “it does no good to be a good person if everyone sees you threw a bad filter. and it does no good to give more of yourself to help others when you have nothing left to help yourself. cant fill someone elses glass to the top with water when you only had a half cup of water left in your own. “ 

Id love it if i was such a hard core edgy person that i can say these experiences have taught me to say fuck you to the world and help myself. but it hasnt, i just today gave a stranger 5 dollars to buy herself a bus ticket home to her kids. i still watch 5 kids for a friend for free because their going threw alot and really just needed a bit more help. i still take care of everyone while cried in my uber ride today cause we passed a pilot station. this is just who i am ok.  these experiences, ruined my education. but i wont let it stop me, i got my ged last month and i will be going to school for my associates and later my degree soon as i can securely.  i just got hired for a great job, and i start work in a week and im excited to do it.  i have a girlfriend who is going threw her own struggles and yea we fight sometimes but i love her and i refuse to give up on us because i dont give up on people.  i have my own family, not one i was born to, not one out of obligation or just so they can say they tried to help the troubled girl. but one that loves me up and down. who has watched me grow up in hell threw when i was generally bad (which my bad was having additude, crippling stress and a short temper) and my good which is not now and not then.. my good is a day when i wake up after a good night sleep. which is rare.  i have stopped taking all my antidepressants and anti anxiety even my migraine meds...and you know what..i am so much happier...yea i am traumatized and scarred after this last year of hell.. but being honest without the meds that supposedly are suppose to help me. i have more happy days.. my meds had caused me to gain weight rapidly on top of the far from healthy way i ate. my meds made it so yea i didn't cry as much but when i should have been crying i was sad as hell but i didn't cry, i didn't scream i did nothing but sleep, go to school, and sleep some more, eat whenever i was forced out of the house or someone else put it in front of me.... i dont need it. i hate drugs, before it was just illegal ones. right now its all of them.. because i was a good girl, i did everything my doctor told me to. and all it did was ruin my life. it killed my motivation to function, it made me into a zombie who could barely function and my doses where never even that high. i was so careful i started on tiny doses to try and prevent this very issue and i still had it.. it made me process my heart ache and stress as anger. it made me scared of leaving my room and it made me just want to sleep all day.it made what was never a very healthy body to begin with a much more unhealthy body and nearly made me diabetic because my metabolism was so slow i could no longer handle all the sugar and food and carbs i ingested. 

right now, i should be angry, before i would have been, i would have felt it all as anger and frustration thats all i felt when on my meds.. but right now i dont have it in me to be angry anymore. those who hurt me when i did nothing then be the best i could. i dont care anymore. to those who hurt me out of anger because i stopped making myself sick to keep them happy. To those who gave up on me because of others lies, or things that are just honest to god normal. or things i had no control of. i hope you feel better.  im sorry i pushed you all to the point of giving up, or hating me. im not angry with any of you. i forgive you for your part in it all. and im sorry for mine. im sorry i didnt have it in me to beg for help, or say something when i was stressed, or ask for help when my whole body begged for me to cry or scream but all i did was go to bed. im sorry to my therapist for the fact i couldnt tell you what was wrong with me and every time you gave me homework i never ever did it because i didnt want to acknowledge my feelings and validate them long enough to deal with them and i wanted to just ignore them. im sorry to my family that i wasnt loud enough, funny you always said im loud as hell tis annoying, but for once the problem was i wasnt talking enough and you forgot who i was, you forgot everything about me, dont to the fundamentals of who i am.  im not angry, im not resentful, im honest to god heart broken. i have dated alot i know it. im young thats normal its part of finding yourself for some girl. what i learned, is no heart break is the same as having your own family reject you. no pain is as bad as legit being told that your not wanted, that your a wasted time or that they wish they had never meant you when they are your own blood. 

but im not angry. i was bitter at first with everyone. i didnt understand who people who claimed to protect and love me. could have forgotten who i am at the very core of me. so quickly. but i get it now.  thank you, you taught me alot.  you taught me my voice is valid. im loud as hell, but at least someone hears me.  you taught me that its okay to not be okay because fuck being okay.  you taught me who really loves me. you taught me i have fucking amazing friends, and which ones they where.  you taught me that my biggest fear, was gonna be my greatest strength. 

my girlfriends who family disowned her cause shes trans. She says everyday that only people she trusts is me and her grandmother who is only family she has left. we get in fights built on the foundations of these exact trust issues. 

i understand and respect her pain. but i dont get it. she knows that and loves me for it. because i went threw hell this last year. and lost alot of people to lies. but i still trust everyone. i still offer my neighburs baked goods and a smile every time i see them. i still give homeless people a dollar cause they asked. i still love my family even those who never wanna talk to me. and thats ok.. i dont get the distrust. because to me.. being happy is about being yourself. and you know what. im naive, im volnerable, im ditzy, and oblivious, i trust to much, i give to much of myself, and i love people who dont always deserve it. and im ok with that.  my kindness might be undeserved but ill give it.  i have been nearly killed, betrayed, abused, and assaulted. but each of those people could come to me right now for help. and ill still give it to them. because i was taught if i have it to offer it to someone who needs it.  im okay with that. my girlfriend can be distrusting and angry thats okay to. because i need someone to protect my volnerable ass cause i wont risk hurting someone else to protect myself. 

[reesewestonarchive]

chapter four / rem belongs to @forlornraven / masterpost / mature content

Music pulses through Nakoa’s legs, and Jenna’s body sways against Nakoa’s, pressed against him as close as she can go. She smells like mangoes, like sweat.

Nakoa inhales against her neck, licks a long line up to her jaw, sucks against it. She shudders underneath him, and Nakoa grins as she takes his hand, presses it beneath her jeans. She turns her head, pupils blown wide, and she says, “Wanna go back to mine?”

Yes. Absolutely. Nakoa feels a buzz in his veins he hasn’t in a while at the prospect, and—”Yeah. You bet.”

He’s not sure where Rem is, but he’s been gone all day. left that morning, didn’t come back, even though the car still sits in the parking lot at the motel. At least, it did, before Nakoa took to the streets to find something to take his mind of it, off of wondering where Rem was.

Probably wasted in the back alley of some bar, still downing a bottle of whiskey he’d pilfered off of some unsuspecting bartender.

Or—maybe he’s doing exactly what Nakoa’s doing now, finding somebody to bury his dick into, get off without the mountain of complications.

It’s been three days, and between sightseeing and sleep, they’re only just west of Denver, in some shitty small town that reminds Nakoa of Withervale just a little too much, but the girls are attractive, and the guys look like they could punch Nakoa out if he stared a little too long, and Rem’s been in a bad mood since Baldie.

Nakoa’ll take his chances, he thinks, with Jenna. He asks, “Are you far?” and grins when she shudders as he touches her.

He goes home with Jenna, and tries not to think of Rem when he comes.

Jenna offers to give him a ride back to the motel, but in the aftermath Nakoa really just wants a fucking shower, to wash what feels like a layer of filth off of him, and some awkward fifteen minute drive across town isn’t going to make him feel any better.

And it’s not cold out, anyway. “I’m good,” he says, as he tugs on jeans. Jean covers herself with her sheet, cocks her head to the side.

“You okay?” Her tone is just this side of concerned; she’s being polite, but Nakoa can tell she’s not really interested in the answer.

“Yeah,” he says, then, for a reason he doesn’t know, he says, “just complicated.”

“Aw,” Jenna says, sitting at the end of her bed. “I know complicated.” She gives him a glance, then says, “You a cool guy?”

Nakoa’s a loser. Unemployed and homeless and traveling across the country without any kind of a fucking plan, in search of a better life he’s not sure he’s ever going to find. Mediocrity feels less like a shadow hunting him and more like the prize at the end of the race.

Is he running away from it, or running towards it?

“I guess.” She can’t be talking about that.

“My girlfriend and I are kind of on a break.” She shrugs. “And it’s so stupid.”

“Relationships are complicated,” Nakoa says. He pulls his shirt over his head. “My…” but the word doesn’t come. What is Rem? His best friend? It’s not untrue, but he’s reasonably sure most best friends don’t fuck.

Most.

Is there a word for something in the middle, between romantic and friendly?

As she watches him, Jenna seems to pick up what’s going through his head. “Oh,” she says, pointing a finger at him. “You got it bad.”

“I do not.”

“And I thought me and my girl were complicated.”

For some reason, that pisses Nakoa off more. “There’s no girl.”

It’s the first time he’s even come close to saying the word out loud. Nakoa knows there’s a word for who he is, but it still feels wrong when he says it, when he thinks it. Not the attraction—there’s merit in sleeping with all kinds of people—but the word. The way people see it and think disgusting. Heathen.

“Oh.” Jenna’s voice is soft, and she stands. “So. Same boat.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

She shrugs. “Suit yourself.”

They kiss before Nakoa leaves, just because Jenna enjoys it, just because she asks, and Nakoa agrees because she showed him a good time, and it’s the least he can do. He wishes her good luck with her girlfriend and stomps back to the hotel room.

Where Rem sits, outside of it, empty fifth clutched between his knees. He doesn’t hear Nakoa approach, but he does react when Nakoa touches his shoulder, jerks away like Nakoa’s burned him.

“About fucking time,” he says, and his voice is like a river, watery and rushing, tripping over itself in his eagerness to speak. “I’ve been waiting for hours.”

“Sorry,” Nakoa says. Doesn’t point out that Rem has a key, too. He unlocks the door. He tugs on Rem’s arm, and the whiskey bottle falls to the sidewalk, crashes and breaks. Nakoa leaves it. “Did you drink all of that?”

“It’s—” He hiccups. “Bottom shelf, don’t get hissy.”

Nakoa took… something, at the club, earlier, before he went home with Jenna. He’s awfully fucking hypocritical if he tells Rem that he can’t do this. At least he came back. At least they got away from Baldie. From Withervale.

Drunk and alive is better than the alternative.

He draws Rem into the shower, starts taking off his clothes, and Rem says, “Ooh, am I gonna fuck you over the counter?”

“Keep dreaming,” Nakoa says, as he pulls off Rem’s jeans. He’s cold, so Nakoa warms the water and shoves him under the stream. Rem yelps, but relaxes into the hot, if lacking pressure, water. His entire body goes slack as it cascades over him.

Nakoa turns away, doesn’t watch, as tempting as it is. “You get back okay?”

Rem laughs. “Please. Liquor store’s not that far away. Where’d you get off to?”

“Girl I met at the club.” Nakoa pitches his voice higher, to be heard over the water. “You have a good time?”

“Better when you’re there.”

But he didn’t ask. He’d blazed through cities, the last forty eight hours, taking small roads instead of highways, getting lost and debating over the map with Nakoa multiple times, and.

“Missed you,” Rem says, his voice quiet. Nakoa wonders if he even said it at all. If maybe he imagined it. He’s been wanting to hear Rem say it for so long. Hoping for some kind of sign.

But no.

The water shuts off, and Nakoa makes his way back out into the room, digs in Rem’s bag until he finds something suitable for bed for him. The idiot’ll pass out on the bed, if he doesn’t, and Nakoa’ll end up with none of the blanket instead.

Rem stands in the threshold to the bathroom, though, and Nakoa glances up at him, just once, before turning back to the task at hand.

“I mean it,” Rem says.

Means what? “Sure.” T-shirt, underwear. It’ll work. Someday, when Nakoa’s not counting every penny, he’ll buy Rem some new clothes, fi him back in with the style.

Nakoa, though. He needs a job, first. Something simple, something under the table. A stable place in LA, or somewhere else, because he and Rem are living off of gas station snacks and Nakoa’s stomach is protesting bite of food he eats.

But every mile between him and Withervale feels a little more like flying

He gives Rem his clothes, and before he can turn away, Rem’s fingers reach out, wrap around his wrist. His voice is soft, unlike him, when he says, “Nakoa,” and Nakoa looks up, studies the lines in Rem’s face, the curve of his cheekbones, the arch of his eyebrows.

He doesn’t know what to say, so he lifts a shoulder in a shrug and holds uncertainty deep in his chest like an old friend. Rem strokes his thumb down Nakoa’s wrist, and there’s a short glimpse of a smile before he lifts one hand, the one holding his towel, and pulls Nakoa in, forehead to forehead, whiskey strong on his breath.

Nakoa breathes it in, lets his eyes fall close as the towel unravels at Rem’s feet, as Rem closes the distance between them.

Rem tastes like whiskey, like freedom, like betrayal, but Nakoa can’t complain if he tastes like someone else. He accepts the kiss for whatever it is, and pulls back. Taps his fingers against Rem’s chest and says, “I’m pretty tired, man.”

It’s not a denial, but Rem’s different, shitfaced, whiskey heavy on his lips and in his limbs, and Nakoa likes him normal, likes him sober, likes the way he lingers. Often, Nakoa wonders if he imagines the lingering.

He doesn’t question it. But the stark difference between sober and drunk feels like night and day, and Nakoa would rather not.

If Rem asks, the answer is yes. But Nakoa prefers not giving him the opportunity to ask. It’s easier to deny him.

Sometime in the night, Rem wakes and vomits over the side of the bed. Nakoa m, eyes heavy with sleep, says nothing. Presses himself against Rem’s back when he’s done, wracking his brain for a song. Settles in on “Friday I’m in Love” after he decides The Clash might be too fast.

His forehead is sweaty against Rem’s shoulder blades. But he doesn’t pull away, keeps humming for Rem well after the song is through, continuing with Modern English and Simple Minds.

“You don't have to do this.”

Nakoa doesn’t falter in his humming, just drops a hand over Rem’s waist and tugs him in.

He pressed his mouth against Rem’s skin, not like a kiss, bur as much like one as he dares. He hums, holds Rem’s denial behind his teeth, doesn’t answer.

-

“Clutch,” Rem says, pressing on Nakoa’s left knee. “Middle is brake. Right’s gas.” He taps the gear shift. “So, driving. Ease off the gas a bit, onto the clutch, shift, off the clutch, onto the gas.”

Nakoa blinks. His heart beats, strong and steady in his chest. “And to move?”

Rem’s voice holds its tone when he speaks, walks Nakoa through the steps. The car stalls under Nakoa’s guidance the first three times, but Rem pushes him forward, encouragement heavy in his words, and Nakoa’s chest swells with pride when he can finally drive his way across the parking lot.

They traded in the junker for this piece of shit, more torn up than the last. It smells like weed and vomit and pine trees, but it gets better mileage, and the speakers aren't blown out, and Rem won fifteen hundred in a bet on the game two nights ago.

The Earth feels less like Jello beneath Nakoa's feet.

Rem grips his thigh when Nakoa turns through the parking lot, pleased as he lets out a yell, and—oh.

Nakoa kills the engine, and the car comes to a slow stop. “Fuck.”

But Rem waves it away. “It’s great! Shit, I burnt out Billi’s clutch the first time I tried—” But at the mention of his mother, Rem’s expression falls. He shoves open the door, says, “Enough for today.”

They’re in Utah. Have been for a few days, after replacing the windshield in Colorado, after Jenna.

Yesterday, Nakoa got inexplicably homesick, stared at a payphone for five minutes, and convinced himself not to call.

Barely.

They settle into each other’s seats. The beauty of this van, Nakoa realizes, is that it isn’t; an old, clunker of a beast, with the back seats torn out and a sunroof modded in. Except for showers, they don’t need motels anymore.

Their trip got a hell of a lot cheaper. And, heading into LA, Nakoa’s not sure how far their money will go.

Relieved to be out of the driver’s seat, back under Rem’s practiced hand, Nakoa reaches for the cigarettes and lights up.

His voice echoes. “Think we can find a mattress?”

“One that isn’t covered in shit or blood?” Rem shrugs. “Guess we’ll find out.”

They do; kind of. They definitely find the mattress. An old, stained old thing from an old woman in the city, who’s upgrading for her and her husband. She takes one look at the van, one look at Nakoa and Rem, and pats Rem’s hand with a twinkle in her eye. “I expect you boys will get plenty of use out of it.”

She winks at Nakoa, and Nakoa offers her an uncertain smile. Rem looks like his head is going to blow off if she doesn’t let go of it.

The manhandle the mattress into the back of the van after Nakoa hands over the twenty. The mattress isn’t stained, isn’t old, but it’s floral and weak and smells of mothballs, and when Nakoa shuts the door to the passenger seat, it already reeks of old perfume in the van.

Rem sits next to him, quiet and pensive. Doesn’t start the van.

Nakoa waits, but ten minutes and he’s still sitting there. “What?”

“What’d she mean by that?”

By… what? “Who?”

“Getting use out of it. That’s not fucked up to you?”

For the— “Rem, she probably meant with girls.”

“…Right.”

“You’re really worried about what some random old woman has to say about shit?” Nakoa’s not exactly out and proud, but this isn’t under his skin. Rem picks at what’s left of the polish on his nails, his body tense and unforgiving. “Rem.”

“Never mind.”

He’s ashamed, then; that’s what that means. His mothers, he has mothers, and he still feels shame. Nakoa’s own family makes jokes at the expense of people like them, has told him that if one of their children was queer they’d set them straight, and Rem’s the one sitting here worried about what this old woman thinks of them.

But it’s not anger that courses through Nakoa’s veins, thinking that. Instead, confusion muddles his brain. He tries to think of something, anything, to make him feel better, but there’s nothing. Not words, anyway. Nakoa licks his lips, he’s about to suggest that they go to a park, or an abandoned parking garage or something and they can christen the new mattress, but Rem puts the van gear and drives off.

They hit up a department store for the sheets, and Nakoa spends twenty minutes glaring at on-sale camping gear trying to find sleeping bags that don’t look like shit while Rem searches for pillows, and Nakoa feels the weight of his remaining money in his pocket like a brick.

He’s not sure how much is left. Between the van, the motels, food, Nakoa’s sure it’s dwindling. Rem says nothing, just brings home dinner, whiskey, less and less every day.

 Nakoa buys the blankets. What else are they supposed to do—go back home?

They find a place on an empty road, far from the city, that night, coyotes howling in the distance, a small campfire built out of the back end of the van. Rem hangs his legs off the van, stares up at the sky. A bottle of whiskey sits between his legs. Bowie plays softly in the background.

Nakoa’s not sure of the last time he’d been this happy. In Utah, of all places, so far from home that Withervale feels like a separate fucking planet.

In the clear night, the glow of the crackling fire, Nakoa wonders if Rem would agree. If he seems happy, or if he is happy. Rem never fucking talks to him, tells him to fuck off if Nakoa gets too close. If he missteps. He’s a jackass.

Nakoa’s afraid of how much he likes him anyway. If, once they get to LA, if Rem will enjoy it. If he’ll enjoy it too much.

He reaches for the whiskey, pleased by the noise Rem makes as he goes for it. “Don’t get your hopes up.”

Rem’s laugh comes stark and surprising, echoes across the empty space, and Nakoa wants to kiss him until he feels that warmth through his entire body. “Probably the only thing I can get up right now.”

Snorting, Nakoa lifts the whiskey to his lips, savors the taste, the taste, and heat that pools in his stomach. “This is,” he says, but doesn’t know what he wants to say. Captivated by the stars, by the scenery. But Rem’s quiet, comforting presence beside him—

Nakoa wants to kiss him. Press him into the flowery, old mattress behind them and undress him, kiss down his chest and blow him, press into him until Nakoa’s name rests on his lips soft and tense. Until Rem clenches his teeth and his groan comes from his chest and.

Fuck. He wants, so much, to make Rem feel so good that he forgets what the world has done to him. 

“I’ve thought about living off the land before. Away from the city. Own a little farm or something.” An orchard. Some goats. Chickens, the modern dinosaurs they are, and Nakoa presses his finger against the ankylosaurus tattoo on his side. Thinks back to the artist that did it for him, briefly, and what he’s doing.

If he remembers Nakoa at all.

“Get the fuck away from people,” Rem says. He sounds tired, now, drunk. He hops from the van and kicks dirt over the fire. It’s dark enough that Nakoa can’t make out Rem’s features without direct light.

“Yeah.” But not Rem. “Dunno. Don’t wanna get kicked in the head, either.” Doesn’t want to give Rem up. He holds that deep inside his chest, though, locked away where he hopes Rem won’t find it, where Nakoa himself won’t be tempted to look.

When Rem says nothing, Nakoa crawls up the mattress, knees scraping the cool metal of the floor of the van. He tugs one of the sleeping bags over his body, presses his face into his pillow and sighs.

He’s not sure when Rem shuts the door and joins him, but Rem lies there, on his back, until Nakoa’s loopy with exhaustion and alcohol, and on the verge of sleep. Nakoa hears him say, “I—”

And then Nakoa passes out.

[xz017]

.

oof. okay so imma do the latest tea???

got out of shower to hear my mum talkin to Agnes spillin the tea abt their friend/coworker

the one with that Kid my mum wanted to have a playdate with or whatever the annoyingly studious and clearskinned halfasian lookin girl i really envied.

her mum has a live in boyfriend who is basically like...an alcoholic mental case rip god i hate alcohol and i hate people who drink it like i only do it so i hate myself more and die but like this guy basically playin with knives n guns in the house and the kid who is like 19 idk why im callin her kid is so Over it like apparently she hasn’t been coming home and like

basically me in 2016 era when my mum was too generous n Helpful lettin ppl back into our lives and our House so i spent christmas morning 5am walkin in the cold n watchin 3 films until it got dark and stuff like that

girl be actin homeless---mood

so it came to a head today so Agnes is spillin the tea n her husband in the bg(omg it weird hearin him rip he was my military hs instructor wild) n my mUM is so selfrighteous n mad like

‘blablahblah well rosalie is being dumb she should put her daughter first she being sick in the head it her Choice’

n im like eavesdroppin havin warflashbacks of the dumb hypocrisy she has DOne lmao

‘has she no thought like what if Tyler gets raped/sexually abused by that man she’d let her daughter be in that environment???’

i mean it wouldnt be fair of me to be like...eyemoji on this cos she technically doesn’t know? but 19 may 2018 never4get lmao

anyway so my mum’s like our room is for rent and it’ll be far cheaper they dont even have to pay rn!!!

cue me being like...um...Money...generosity...i dont...LIke

i was conflicted here like idk i met the girl like 3-5 times im envious of her work ethic n her better asian disposition than mine cos she obviously prettier but she has better prospects and that’d suck if her life be like that

but also??? like...life be like that it was like that to me like who saved me????????????????????? 

um...no one

like why is that on me or US TO BE NICE n helpful im so tired like damn which is relevant to the next point anyway

cos earlier had a convo with my mum i was eyemojing healthcare profs i was like ‘pls stop bein on ye phone pls tell me info on ye opinion on respiratory therapists...what abt PA’

n deadass she be eyemojing me like STICK TO YOUR COURSE

n i was like...-ugly pleadin emoji eyes- n i was tryin to explain that i didn’t want to be so focused on one thing that if i decide this medical thing is what i want to pursue i’d need 1-2 years just for the PREREQS which is like 5 classes and 1000 clinical hours or minimum 6 month healthcare paid job. like if i decide i want to go to school for that i already have the Stuff and just Apply.

n she was like...you had your chance i bothered you to be a nurse a few years ago you were stubborn if you did as i said you’d be earning good money now but you wasted time

n i was like...oof i can’t say anything to that it’s tru. it real life tea it fax i wasted time n im old n im ruunnin out of time i hate myself alot i hate hate hate

and idk we got to talkin abt money n life cos she was like you have to find something you can learn to LOve

n i was like??? WHY I GOTTA SETTLE N FOOL MYSELF TO DO SO im super annoyed abt that mindset

cos the thing about a bloody Arts degree is there’s too fuckin many broad possibilities n they all aint even that good. like deadass if i was a STEM major ugh like if i was a Bio major prospects are so clear: forensics, research, premed,labtech. Meanwhile polsci for example: uhhh teacher? prelaw? politician? uhhh government work? n there’s like 111 different subdivisions of that n it’s like??? wat the fuck

deadass what am i gonna do with international security is that even gonna pay well like...the fuck do i know is it relevant ??? Doubts

n she was all like...PEOPLE JUST GOTTA DO WHAT THEY HAVE TO TO SURVIVE YOU GOTTA FIND YOURS N STICK WITH IT

n i was lowkey panique n frustrated cos i really REALLY hate being stuck in 1 ting n im like i HAD ACTING YOU SAID NO

n she was like pFF i wanted you to have something REAL cos if you dont make it in acting you’d be on the STREETS

n i was like...lmao lil did she know imma be on the streets next year smh this year actually

n she was like talkin abt the harsh reality of the workforce and how you gotta make do at how ppl treat you (patients) n how you might not even like your coworkers but you gotta deal with it because that’s what ppl do to survive

n she was talkin abt undeserving patients with no healthcare n i was like did you just hear yourself so you want them to die cos they dont got money and she was like 

no??? why get hooked up in the ICU when you’re braindead wasting government money taxes we payed for you don’t understand cos you dont have a job and dont get your salary cut cos of taxes and these people come in acting like they got something to give when they yell at your face acting like they know what they’re talking about they act entitled when they have nothing homeless ppl getting money and illegal immigrants are selfish bringing their kids to be hurt here

n im like...theyre life is ...shitty what are you talkin about n she was like so? why dont they stay and make it better??? one of my very first patients asked me why i was in america and i said i come from a poor country and they said why didn’t you stay and try to make it better? and i couldn’t say anything cos u know what they were right why dont illegal immigrants do that??? n im like...

cos theyre literally...RUNNIN and they want ppl they care abt i.e. children to be far away from that as soon as possible bruh ye think imma wait for change deadass there a reason why we suffer duterte he actually get shit done??? we dont have to wait for change the same way ppl who speak nice n are polite do but is stuck with bureaucracy and lowkey bein corrupt deadass stay in ye lane

n she’s like well i hope you’re right im done bein an idealist im a realist now i believed in good i wanted to help the world now no more

n im like...no you’re not a realist, you’ve just been hangin out with a republican

and she gave me a sideeye 

but deadass im ...scared like i really hate the empathy because when she was being serious n talkin n being honest abt things for once i started to unwillingly see things from her point of view i really felt it n i was scared i’ll be like that im scared she’s right

im scared i’ll end up Real n selfish like...i already am ? n bitter? like i care about so very few Personally and am willin to let others suffer to keep it safe n prioritised?

im scared.

like especially with racism all these years my mum’s been telling me it’s not that im racist just wait til you work with them they act so entitles and loud and make everything about race

n i almost told Her abt it earlier i skyped w her earlier we had a tea spillin moment about our ethnic relations bein racist but then idk we talked alot i guess the text got buried or unseen

like i said i was scared n didn’t get to unpack it like im scared because ive been livin with my roomate and like...ive been excusing it as a personality thing and that if it were anyone else different skin colour id still hate them just the same which i still maintain is true but like?

my RM is loud n she makes everything abt race like deadass me n my FM be just eating dinner and she passes by us and goes on a rant about harvard asians being a Blok to black ppl from getting There n im like...im tryna have dinner so i can get energy to deal with this stressful ass school

n she always talks like she knows what she’s talking about like ‘jewish ppl control the federal bank’ n im like...it 1am in the dark quiet of our shared room deadass i dont wanna tell the binch thats antisemitism cos she gonna be like im black how can i be racist smh

im!!! scared alright like i hate my roomate for proving my mum right when i try so hard to set things right like maybe that’s why i dont tell anyone about my situation other than Her. i never told my parents about the berkeley livin situation they already warn me enough to be careful n i just keep tellin them thats racist

i have so much........THOUGHTS n........DILEMMAS...n FEARS but like i just have this blog i cant trust anyone else to talk abt it n the only person i am willing to talk to abt it will be busy and im so ashamed abt these things but she was so sweet about givin me the heads up about her schedule 

like i hated that i had to get an ugly ass haircut today cos she came back to me n we couldve talked so i guess rip she was complacent n did stuff cos she replied late from then on like that dumbass haircut was 15 minutes ugh. our talkin pattern today was like...dashed lines timereply wise? i asked her if she packed earlier (pre haircut)n she said yes but rip a few hours later she was like...I need to pack 

wat is the truth rip

the tablet bein emo like...mood but my child rip.

my love be packin n spendin time with fam before leavin for london tomorrow

n even after that she doin...Stuff. rip.

which is ye know good for her rip.

i just hope she dont go iceskatin deadass one slip n she can crack her head open or break her neck or paralyse her spine like...??? why do humans wanna do dumb activities

like omg she admitted to me today she a serial jaywalker and WORSE with music n headphones like

binch thats why i didnt wanna enable you further by gettin ye airpods deadass bye

n she was like??? tryna equate it with my risky risk like ummm

mine is for science n validity

hers is just carelessness n chosin lazy convenience over idk...the responsibility of self vigilance like...

bruh ppl shouldnt promise someone 91 years if they be continuin to do dumb stuff consciously oof rip

but other than that like...im...really proud of this resolution she be undertakin officially on the 14th?

im nervous abt it cos i really want it for her too. i want her to get the proper sleep n i always hated her givin excuses like ‘IM FINE ON 4 HOURS OF SLEEP’ ‘I NAPPED 3 HOURS 38293820 HOURS AGO IM FINE I MADE UP FOR IT’ um...blokt. get proper sleep binch i love you tf???

prioritise work cos ye gonna regret not givin it yer all??? n ye payin for this???

what fun??? we capitalists now we want that money rip.

i see that shift you know rip i saw it comin a year ago.

that dont mean we republicans rip we still care about others n the inequality? but like i foresaw us getting acquainted with the harsh reality of the world n how difficult it is to get a job--which she experienced along the way.

n rip she wants many things bookmarkin them n honestly same rip

i want a stable warm home for this family n a shiny diamond to get disassociated by extra im a simple man

meanin im selfish n im ready to prioritise meanin im ready to make the choice for others to fall apart/behind if it means puttin This first rip

god pls dont make me a republican this so ugly

# 1 she’d hate me #2 i’d hate me

now im sad

im dead.

omg rip earlier too as she said goodbye i told her i loved her and she was like ‘i love you more’

DEADASS I WAS LIKE LMAO!!! girL i dont think you understand im literally Ready to put you and our possible future First like...im not messin around what skitrips with rich ppl what friends my love is potent n extreme n COncentrated like im sorry ik you feel love for me but you cant top This rip she not ready 

like the um ‘partially wanna make my life’s work abt knowin what might hurt n kill ye so i can kill it first or blok it well’ kinda love

the ‘im already savin for at least HALF a first month deposit in an overpriced london in case you wanna settle down wit me Mayhaps n im not touching it for ANYTHING’ kinda love

the ‘im thinking of a winter home in the tropics so you suffer less n im plannin the floorplans already rip just in case’ kinda extraness

but anyways the gall of this cute lovely human rip ‘i love you more’ ummm try Again smh

bruh i love her too much i bet that’s scary for her rip it might be a Burden tbh she so young rip 

meanwhile im old n ready to rot but like...

i wanna be mortal wit ye before i do

but ye know wat lads i saw myself in the mirror today like 5 times OOF. this meatform...keepin me...Humble. 

bitter but like...humble

‘like of course sHe not ready not only is my personality like dis but also...my outward form how could she introduce me as a Spouse’

‘wow i look like that oof it good i remembered i am undeservin of full intense love like in the films n fanfiction they always between attractive ppl after all it only 1/2 it not Equal’

‘wow bruh ye really upset she spendin time n resources elsewhere when you be lookin like That? ye dont have much to offer bro take the L’

oof so that’s the personal tea i can think of?

had a meghan marke talk rip i can’t believe i was right??? i had twin vibes!!! but i was hoping for like a variety situation rip im worried a lil abt the whole birthin Late ting but she can afford the highest care rip it fine she rich.

my love was talkin abt how pretty MM was n i was like rip is she triggerin Her a lil rip worrirooni

rip speakin of babies like she was showin me this smol gummybear n im like same das me heart n she was like :( n i was like it only fits you

n she was like so no children then:(

n i was like!!! rip if it Ours of course that Counts n i was a lil shook like rip she said she didn’t want them Really so i always get guilty when i talk abt the future or realise i mentioned kids or carelessly name drop Hyaline n Benzion like...im dead rn just typin that like what if she read this big shame bro

but ye know what this is already long n she gonna be busy maybe that’s the key. TOo Much puts ppl OFF so ye mayhaps we sneaky ! ?

anyway i was tryin to get her thoughts on it rip but like she was all iDK ASK ME IN 13 Yrs n i was like...

sighemoji + sandemoji + resignedemoji

rip we talked FAaC a lil. cos she Dared!!! to liken me to her brother just cos i showed her my cheap youth boy shoes smh

At first i was super offended n disgusted but then i was like rip eyemoji if ye into that

then she was like ew nO

then i was like um ye already play the ‘daddy u like me young huh’ card

which is like idk is like technically? joking but it’s like that post ye know abt ppl bein ‘whether or not im actually jokin or flirtin depends if you into it’ but also like schrodingers racism like ‘it was a joke bro!!!’ but they actually bigots.

so it DIFFICULT for my brain to Confirm rip like...eyemoji what is the truth

but like??? im rip. willin. rip. to. rip. Try. rip.?

really i am rip. it Her. bruh. im only hopin she dont have a golden shower kink but. trust i...Will follow thru.

nO IM REMEMBERIN THE DOO DOO POST DESPAIR

rip anyway that whole thing reminded me of FAaC origins which was porn n then somehow sHe was like imagine if egggsy was a singer he’d sing like ‘age is just a number’ shit n i SPILLED THE TEA ABOUT A TING IN PT 3 im so weak sand

i miss the gays

i wanna give them justice n happiness but the 2027 excuse is rl nice for my ugly procrastination issues oof but i wish them well

add: rip had another talk with my mum i really wanted her to understand my thought process about wanting to get the prereqs for medtraining done beforehand

n she was like...I UNderstand but Normal people--

n i was like ‘IM NOT NORMAL I DONT KNOW HOW TO CHOOSE I HAVE NO IDENTITY’

n she’s just like SHOOKE n mad n clearly dont understand that im fukt up in the head ‘...IC AN’T BELIEVE YOU!!! iF YOU’RE ABNORMAL YOU WONT GET HIRED N YOU WONT HAVE A NICE JOB’

n im like...well i mean what can i say to that it’s not like it’s not tru rip

Big sand honestly.

it gonna be a long few days imma do my best to leave her alone she needs her time rip i love her so much rip sand

i feel like a dumb ugly dog god fljækadfkøad h8

[littlebabycrybtch]

ok ik bitches are still going to complain but i gotta rant to keep my shit together;;; ngl after being stuck co-raising two babies now i really feel genuinely Disgusted by unnecessary parent critique. like it actually makes me feel so viscerally upset and depressed when i remember nobody gets this or cares to and probably just wants to call out what im doing wrong, instead of lend me a hand to do it better. man im not treading lightly here the ‘no excuses’ mentality is literally Inhumane to parents and dehumanizes them as these superhumans, they arent, they are people trying to take care of themselves Plus One. there Are ‘excuses’ for not being perfect. just bc every child deserves perfect doesnt mean it can be given and that fucking SUCKS but that is one of the only times im comfortable saying; ‘thats just life’. you cant magically make life better for kids the way you think, you’re not a protector, you’re their Rock to teach them How to DEAL with what life brings, that means you’re allowed to struggle with it too. childcare is like this cosmic design to work you physically and mentally to the brink, fucking forget the normalization of how many people you think you’ve seen raise kids and done fine, it is harder than you can even fathom. they probably did not do fine behind closed doors. the parents with the best behaved and most obedient kids probably did harmful things to make them that way that will eventually come back to them, the parents with the happiest most well adjusted kids probably had the money to provide the extra care for that. there are ‘excuses’. idc if it fucking annoys you or w/e, i dont like being the bitch that says stuff nobody wants to hear, but you truly deeply cannot 100% understand unless you are raising kids, i dont say that to hurt your feewings or exclude you, i used to think that way, i say it bc when you see me passed out on the couch while my nephew gets into something dangerous, its because i got one hour of sleep that night while he kicked me in our bed for 4 hours. he cant help not knowing how that affects both of us, but i cant help being affected by it just cuz im supposed to be ~the big strong adult~, bc i am not a fucking xman. i CANT pretend it all away. while im sitting there napping im also waiting for my mental health meds to start working. im also dizzy from not eating. it sucks that he gets into shit sometimes. hes still gonna get into shit sometimes, and i can do my best, but if i sit here worrying that karens are gonna get pissed abt that and work myself even harder im gonna straight up explode. who does that help. who does me falling apart help. come babysit my kid for free if you wanna help me bitch!

parents are doing twice the work of a normal person while also teaching one of these people theyre caring for, how to BE a person. i used to be SO pro judging parents and im literally nauseated by the judgments now. “i cant believe this parent looked away and their kid got hurt, i cant beleive they just leave them there with a tablet or a snack or a toy while they nap, i cant believe they let them do that, i cant believe--” btich you literally have no idea how lucky you are that they are not both already dead. you are so lucky tehy are both alive and the parent isnt hospitalized for mental health or even physical exhaustion, or addicted to a stimulant (which includes caffeine), or using smth to relax like weed or alcohol (hello wine mom culture), or the kid isnt traumatized from watching their parent have repeatd breakdowns. that is literally better than most situations already. no matter how impossibly perfect the family could be in your mind, kids fuckin get hurt and they make mistakes and the PARENTS make mistakes bc theyre PEOPLE and yall this blows my mind that ppl dont realize this but,,,,, Little kids??? THEY DO NOT LISTEN TO THEIR PARENTS bc they essentially CANT..... for like YEARS there is a period they WILL NOT LISTEN TO YOU at ALL while they have the full autonomy and smarts and strength to cause horrible consequential problems, they are capable of learning how to circumnavigate your ‘babyproofing’ in new ways every single day, but they have ZEROOOOO MORALS OR CAUSE AND EFFECT SKILLS to understand RIGHT FROM WRONG, NO MATTER HOW OFTEN YOU TELL THEM!!!!! IT WONT CHANGE, ITS LITERALLY A PHYSICAL BRAIN THING THAT THEY CANT LEARN WHAT ‘NO’ MEANS FOR A WHILE YET!!! THIS CAN LAST FROM AGE 1 TO 4, SOMETIMES LONGER! THATS GENUINELY INSANITY INDUCING FOR THE ADULT WHOS KEEPING THEM IN LINE HUNDREDS OF TIMES A DAY, KNOWING ITS AMOUNTING TO ALMOST NOTHING UNTIL YEARS LATER!!!! IT DOESNT HELP WHEN PPL JUDGE YOU AND DONT BELEIVE YOU AND THINK YOU JUST ARENT ~TRYING HARD ENOUGH~! holy FUCK dude, idc if you wanna judge, im losing it bc i am being forced to keep my cool while a child whos pinching me and genuinely HURTING and BRUISING me laughs in my face bc he truly DOES NOT KNOW this, and there is NO WAY for me to convey it to make him stop at the moment!!!! thats maddening!!!

listen to me, neither of you dying or experiencing lasting damage is literally the goal every day, not just ‘raising them’, but that you both survive to the end of it. im appalled by how different the lifestyle is and the way ppl just... dont know that/REJECT that information so they get to judge. ofc tiny vulnerable innocent kids deserve the best, parents cannot always provide that if they want to Survive, bc they also deserve , basic understanding and humanity. you call out abuse all you want, theres a difference between the 'lesser of two evils’ choices, or even the genuinely Bad choices you can Accidentally make when at your wits end (which you should immediately correct anyways), and ever causing intentional physical or mental harm to the child, but the secodn yall start nitpicking or blatantly being ignorant to a struggle just so you get your blame validation in i literally cannot AFFORD to give you the time of day, im busy running on minutes of sleep, so if you think i have enough free time to entertain ur whining that my kids got a messy face and has been on his tablet in a highchair for an hour or w/e, idc, im using that time to shower for the first time in 2 weeks bc nobody else is gonna be there for me to let me do that shit :) so frankly put your money where your mouth is and help struggling parents whenever you can. i cant make shit better out of thin air.

“oh, but i dont have the money to help you.” YOU THINK IM AFFORDING CHILDCARE?? YOU CAN COME OVER AND HELP DIRECTLY WHILE I DO CHORES. “oh, but i dont wanna babysit for my friends, i dont like kids.” OH REALLY?????? OH YOU DONT LIKE KIDS??? BC THEYRE DIFFICULT MAYBE ??? SO MAYBE YOU SHOULDNT JUDGE WHEN ITS HARD THEN????? LIKE YOU RLY THINK JUST ‘LIKING THEM’ SUDDENLY MAKES IT EASY FOR ME?? YOU THINK ME FINDING MY NEPHEW CUTE AND LOVING HIM AND HIS LAUGHTER GIVES ME FUCKING SUPERMAN POWERS TO DEAL WITH THIS???????? “but You chose to have kids” rt in my case i literally didnt and would be homeless if not offering to help care for them but HEY COOL CONCEPT PRO CHOICE KINDA FUCKIN INCLUDES WHEN PEOPLE ‘CHOOSE’ TO HAVE KIDS EVEN WHEN THEY STRUGGLE AFTER, TOO LATE TO FUCKIN COMPLAIN NOW, JUST HELP A BITCH OUT. LIke... bro BRO b R O im losing it stop giving parents the inspiration porn treatment while disrespecting the actual struggles they go thru any time the child actually suffers bc they are unable to shield them from their struggle. can i be real, life literally will not go without struggle. you cannot raise them to have a life better than what the world is, you can do your best but you really cant MAKE it fair. once again this is not a ‘raise the perfect child’ contest you are just . trying to raise them at all. its messy. every single day you will have successes and failures, and you’ll be running on empty, and you’ll be doing that just to make it through to do it again tomorrow, while it slowly (AGONIZINGLY SLOWLY) gets easier each day. im tired of pretending lmao i dont wanna hear you bitches judge parents anymore, i dont wanna hear the stupid ass ‘im allowed to’ shit anymore dude!!!!! for gods sake i can agree with you when some shits just plain wrong but ill never apologize for standing up for myself or other struggling parents even if it makes you uncomfy, i can care about Both the child and the parent at the same time, ig i wont ask you why you seemingly cant. 😶 ESPECIALLY when things like classism and ableism tie in so often with these situations. not to mention racism like im white but hoooo if i hear one more story about a black parents ‘negligence’ in efforts of just trying to help their family, like leaving their kids somewhere during a job interview or w/e, vs the white parents that LET THEIR 10 YR OLDS WANDER AROUND MALLS BY THEMSELVES... im gonna scream. im gonna fuckin scream. its so unfair. fuck off, stop the spiteful ignorance, change this shitty hateful culture.

tldr; you Can care about kids while respecting parents, even when they arent perfect. you can advocate for children while also advocating for parents, and in fact, you should fucking try.

[thekaeb3412-blog]

The Story of How I Fell In Love With Unwritten History

So I’m in a whole relationship right? Like a whole fat ass relationship. Like me plus her equals nobody else . Its kinda dope and kinda like coccaine . If that makes any sense at all . We definitely have our rollercoasters but I’ll killl anyone over her and I stand on that . Best part its with who I chose and not who my parents chose or approved of. I actually dont care whether they approve of me or not. Mom didnt want kids anyways. As she put it, she likes “ a return to sender kid “ I know she used to joke about it but I later found it to be true. So at this point either you like my happiness or you dont. But anyways, So we met the first time at work, Afni Call Center to be exact. She was a bet. By bet I mean with green money with coworkers. So I bet that I would get smashed by this girl and they would each owe me 50 bucks. I mean who can turn down money. Plus she was kinda cute and I know she was watching my little booty when I would walk away . I was 80 pounds lighter when we first met . 

But here lately things have gone to shit . I can admit I fucked up . Well in the beginning . I cheated . She found out . But I was honestly gone tell her everything but she found out I broke her heart all that and then some . Since I put all my business out there . Only reason why I cheated was because I wanted a kid . I wanted her for sure but I wanted a kid . As time passed us by I realized she doesn’t want kids at all . So I had to make a decision , kids or stick around for my one true love in my adult life . So I looked her in the face , I probably had tears In my eyes and told her I chose her . She looked at me with confusion for a little and I dont think she anted me to flat out give up kids. But I was gone doe what I had to do to keep her by my side . 

Now before we get to me cheating . I had an apartment on Old Morgantown Road . I loved that damn space man . Hard wood flooring . Storage unit . I had a w/d hook up . I had a good apartment and I could afford it and be able to live my best life . Rent was 475 a month . Utilities and water ran me about 80 . So I was well within my budget . But my dumb ass got involved with this man who I thought I could change . I was trying to hear from nobody about nothing . I wasnt trying to hear that he was cheating because I felt like I gave him no reason to cheat . I was giving him everything and then some . Hell I let his stupid ass cousin stay on my couch . So they were living rent free right , I know stupid Kendra always doing dumb shit . I should have opened my eyes but I didn’t . 

Well he and I are definitely no longer together . He got my little cousin pregnant . I dont know whats worse . That she knew he was still living with me . That she knew we was kin . That he knew we was still together , fucking and living together and I never ask for a dollar . Or that my bosses had to call me in the office with another one of my cousins and sit me down to tell and show me that he was cheating and she was pregnant . It even shocked me that she tried to question me about my niggas car . Like girl he and I live together so yes maam I’m gone drive his car . and she was in shock to see me in the drivers seat . huh . Aint that funny how it all played out though ? But you know , karma got took his dick for a minute . He got the worst news of his life . His heart was just as shattered as mine . His trust was screwed if not worse than mine . He found out that while he was too busy cheating on me , she was getting knocked down by his cousin . LMFAO SERIOUSLY . He did all that cheating and got that girl pregnant and ended up getting played himself . So while I was his woman , he had a side bitch who had a side nigga , but THE SIDE NIGGA HAD A SIDE BITCH . I hadnt had sex with him in a while because things started getting to me and I was becoming very suspicious so I was still going to get checked anyways . But yea . What a fckd up love hexagon . Crazy how we all worked together . But when I reached my snapping point . I became a little on the ratchet side and called his mom and told her come get her sons belongings because he was homeless again . My cousin didnt have her own spot so somebody had to come take care of him because by that time I was done pretending . 

Shit got bad for me mentally . I had me fckd up . I lost my job and went broke because I drank and popped it away . I know definitely wasn’t the right thing but I just wanted to feel numb to everything . I didnt really care how I got high just as long as I as high I was okay and at peace . 

Alot of time went by and my past came back . She made me feel safe . And she saw me ; like the actual me . She knew something was up . Hell I gained 50 pounds since the last time we seen each other . But when she came back . I dont know if I was more so excited to see her or trying to fuck her right there on the floor at work . I walked in the door and the moment I seen her ... I didnt care who I was talking to , I think Wanda , I’m sorry boo but I seen my old boo and just had to do it . I could not help myself I had to hug her before I did anything else . I had a little more weight on me too because during our last encounter , hmm hmm , I was a bit smaller and hadnt grown boobs yet . So when she seen me running 90 mph to her ; baby girl was in for a shock . 

Time went by and we started seeing each other a little more outside of work . Then she started to spend the night . But when she started doing that , I think I made things a little complicated for her at her moms . I had no intentions of doing so but it kinda got weird because she wasnt coming home very much any more . But yall , when I had her all to myself . Do you know how many times I undressed this girl with my eyes . I mean she standing there fully clothed and I seen EVERY INCH of her thru them clothes . It was bad yall . lol . She kinda eventually sorda moved in ; even though I thought she had already moved in . Time went by and things were okay ya know . We were just in the “ talking “ phase and just filling eachother out . She started to grow on me a little more than I planned . and then I wanna say it was my birthday or after ? Baby girl was so drunk . She , our friend Ladaya , and I went to go grab food and drinks . Weeellllllll , I trapped her into drinking and drinking and drinking . We got home ? and she drank and and got funnier as the night went on . I remember that day like it was yesterday and the videos I have are absolutely the funniest videos I have ever recorded . “ butt clouds “ and the car honk that about gave her a damn heart attack . 

Anywho times have went on . We decided to go to hilltop and live there . Who would have thought we would live together because I was stern on not wanting to live with her . It was weird living there . Always wondering if or when we were going to get a roommate . Then ? Thats the first time I ever broke a heart . See , she was always wanting to like distinguish a title. Meanwhile I am petrified of titles and labels and shit . Plus I have labeled myself for so long I didnt want to put a label on she and I . So I waited and waited and waited and decided to test waters . By testing waters meaning , I caught baby fever BAD . LIKE BAD BAD . I wanted a kid so bad I didnt think about talking to her first , I was just hoping one day I could be like , surprise baby we are having a baby ; butttttt I was gonna tell her how I got pregnant IF if actually happened . But she kinda beat me to it . She seen the messages on her tablet and as you know it went to shit from there . I broke her heart . I wasnt sure if or when she would or could ever forgive me . ( its JAn232021 ) and I know she still hasn’t forgiven me for anything . Not sure if she will ever get past it enough to love me love me .

 We made it official , May 2019. By that time the only things that mattered to me were building a life with her. Come August 2020 . We got a place together and as time went on, I knew something was wrong but I would rather ignore it than have to go to the doctor because that just aint my cup of tea. I hate doctors.. they always wanna diagnose people with shit. I just didn’t wanna be one of those people so I held out as long as I could before it got to the point of being unbearable . I lost yet another good job . At first they thought it was covid and it wasnt . I tested negative for covid . Then I had like 5 appointments that following week . I was put on all types of stuff . I was throwing up everything . I was crying non stop . I was doing things not in my normal regimen . Thats when things fell harder on her . Harder as in bills , and stress and everything . I became that burden . I became the thing in the relationship that puts everything on the line . I became the complete faliure in the relationship . 

I wasn’t able to help like I planned . in fact my checks were so small that every pay day because I had all my bills and people I owed money to on auto pay and I kept amking promises, put me in the negatives . I was in the negatives for 3 to 4 months . So imagine being the one in the relationship who didnt feel welcome . Who didnt feel like I desrved the love and things like that . All I wanted to do was help out and I couldn’t . Made me want to pack up and wait until I knew she was gone so I could leave . I didn’t know what to do . But I knew I was pretty much of no use . I knew that she resented me . I knew it pushed things back so far it may never come back to normal . 

But now , Im better than I was still struggling though .  But I have this amazing job . I have a job where I can do my part and not hurt . I have a job where I can finally help out now . But its not enough . I’m not enough . The love is not enough anymore . I have became disposable . I have become the one who broke and shattered her heart and trust in her adult love life . How do I come back from it ? How do I rescue something that may have already died ? Am I worth it ? Am I better off without ? Do I deserve her ? She deserves the world and I want to give it to her I do .

But idk , maybe my mom was right . just maybe the only things I’m good at are singing and laying on my back . Havent accomplished shit yet . Got banned from a job because I tried to put my hands on someone . Got fired from 3 good fucking jobs because of my health . 

Im crashing at this point . My future is on edge . I am on edge . this is not cool dude . 

[goldenscript]

neighbor!jennie

author’s note: this is in the same universe as neighbor!monsta x <3

the friend crush (turned actual crush) candidate neighbor

in other words, she’s that girl you’re dying to befriend and to get to know and all that wonder stuff

she’s pretty, sweet from what you can see in your comfortable nook beside her home, and she definitely sounds like a blast to be around

minus the times where you can practically hear her and her screeching at each other for only god knows what

last you remembered it was over the last eggo waffle but you’re not gonna judge bc waffles are pretty damn good

you know she’s also a very attentive roommate to her roomie considering she’s always buying groceries and staying up to wait for her roomie too

which also brings up the mention that the walls between the apartment spaces are so damn thin, you can literally hear everything so it’s no brainer than you’ve learned all these things abt jennie by observation than actual talking

ofc you’d love to talk to her!!! you’ve been dying to for so damn long that it actually feels painful whenever you see chances to bc you don’t take them

like

at

all

your friend taehyung’s been nagging you to do it and even your roommate jiwoo who’s been nothing but an observer of you observing jennie and to say the least the two of them just want you to come out of your shell just to say hey bc that doesn’t hurt

right?

well it doesn’t but it does hurt ur pride when jiwoo purposefully locks you out of the apartment for reasons unbeknownst to you (lmao lbr u kno why but ur in denial bC YOUR ROOMIE WOULDN’T DO THT TO U RIGHT?????,,,,,,,,,,,,,)

absolutely, postively incorrect

bc she does and ur stuck in the hallway wondering if she’s actually asleep or if she’s punking you bc you forgot milk tht one time sophomore year (mind you, y’all are third years rn n you rlly wouldn’t b surprised if jiwoo did that ‘cuz of milk tbh she’s that typa person)

and you’re abt to call taehyung and ask if you can stay at his place when you hear a voice that isn’t warbled from a thin wall and is actually directed at u

“ummmm,,, are u ok?”

you actually fumble with ur phone and that causes her to giggle and wow it just sounds so freakin’ nice but holy shit is she really talking to you rn??? is that really happening???????

you’re absolutely baffled but u manage to nod and tell her that your roommate locked u out and she actually pouts on ur behalf and ur actually starstruck a lil’

it’s one thing to hear and observe these actions from jennie but it’s a complete game changer when she’s performing such actions,,,in front,,, of you,,,, and ,,,, for,,, u,,,,,,,,,,,,, FOR YOU

all u can focus on is ur heart pounding incessantly and u swear it’s ur nerves bc hey friend crushes can still make u nervous y’know n ur so engrossed in this tht u don’t even notice that jennie’s grabbed a hold of ur hand and is leading u back to her place

aND UR BRAIIN IS SUDDENLY LIKE !!! bc holy fuck is that really happening???

you squeak out a ,,, “what”

and she just giggles at you n says “it’s no biggie, my roomie’s out with her bf n i can’t just leave a pretty face like yours out! someone might snatch u y’know??”

“t-thank u,,,,”

“jennie” she smiles tho u kno her name n u kno it well tht it actually makes u super happy that she even knows urs bc after u say it she just grins at u and says “i know”

and basically at her apartment, u see how neat and nice it is with all the black and pink decor on her end w/ roses n these really gnarly looking motorcycles tht she winks at u abt bc her baby’s still in the shop rn and she even offers to take u on a joyride somewhere bc you’ve never once been on a motorcycle but u wouldn’t mind going on one

it’s a first for her but it actually makes her light up to see someone showing interest in something that she adores!!!

u eventually find out tht next to motorcycles she actually rlly loves event planning n that’s why she’s doing communications as a major bc one day she’d like to be in her own pr firm n showcase new and vibrant things that’ll benefit others bc next tht she loves helping others so if what she does can helps others then she’ll feel fulfilled in life

it explains a lot considering she’s always helping people,,, like always

from making sure her roomie’s fed to volunteering at homeless shelters to even tutoring young children, she’s even trying to get into a peer mentor program at the local middle school (a lot of it happens at different times in the year but she has no issues with any of it bc it makes her happy)

srsly she works to the point of overwork and even her roomie has to drag her out by the ear just to get the girl to relax

and evidently this is one of those days where she is relaxing (by helping u lolol) but also she rlly appreciates the attention and attentiveness you’re showing her bc you love listening to her talk and explain what certain things are and it makes her so so so so happy ok

at first it’s miniscule things that make her happy from those little hang outs you two will do now that the ice has been broken to even the times you’ll actually accompany her to a few of her volunteering tasks and she’s so certain she’s found a great new friend, a wonderful friend even tho u can honestly say that the friend crush has become more bc holy shit ??? jennie’s amazing how could u not see her as something more y’know?

and even tho ur certain she doesn’t feel the same and jiwoo calls bullshit like every chance she gets with u, the ultimate game changer happens,,, The Sludge

so two doors down are Changkyun and Jooheon, the resident rappers who have had the notoriety of suffering from the horrific gross substance tht no one can rlly label to a T but to say the least it’s Terrible and Nasty and just N O

so even tho those two were struck with it bc of their lack of pay in the water bills, that gross stuff is just traveling all around the floor - even kihyun and hyunwoo and other residents have suffered thru it so on a very unfortunate day it struck jennie and her roomie’s

fortunately her roomie got a place with changkyun meanwhile jennie was kinda left without,,,, n on tht day u actually see her outside of ur apartment door looking v torn n ur like “jennie???”

her eyes go wide and she manages a wave n u ask what happened n she just deadpans n says “The Sludge” so you understand

and instead of waiting for her to ask bc you kno a part of her wants to but the other part that hates being a burden is lingering so you just invite her to stay n u give jiwoo a heads up and tht blonde roomie of urs is like “w/e she’s staying in ur room”

which she does cuz u force her to bc it won’t hurt u to stay on the couch esp when there’s a guest

she’s pretty begrudging abt it but she manages to deal n she actually enjoys the way you’ve decorated everything and notes just how nice it all is and ngl but she doesn’t miss the photo of u n her on ur bulletin board of ppl you care abt n it makes her feels so warm and touched,,,, it’s like the first instance of her becoming certain of her feelings for u

it’s all small ofc but the more she stays with u, the more ur on her mind n the more she enjoys her times at ur place (which ur loving btw bc she’s a wonderful roommate who will help cook n does grocery shopping bc the damn Sludge is still infesting their apartment)

she does what she can to help and jiwoo loves it and you love having her around so much

in this close proximity you’re able to really see those little things abt jennie like how she loves milk ice cream, how she’s very meticulous in the way things are placed, and how she copes with her stress by organizing even if it can be a bit of an issue

like lisa and jisoo have had their entire desktops cleaned n organized to an utter t after jennie’s done with it (jisoo: “there’s srsly never a simple sleepover with her man”)

but for some reason, she won’t do that to your stuff? like ok she doesn’t organize stuff just cuz she wants t disrespect the owner; most of the time it’s ‘cuz they gave her permission but with you??? she’s not sure and she hasn’t asked

it’s different cuz with her friends they let anyone touch their stuff

but you?? she doesn’t wanna just be anyone to you anymore

she wants to go on motorcycles rides with you and take you to her favorite beach when everything’s too much

she wants to take care of you and show you how much she cares and how much she loves those little things abt u even if u hate those beauty marks and “blemishes” and all that other stuff

she wants to hear you talk about ur favorite book and why then watch the movies to talk abt how lame they were or how you loved a movie and why

she just wants to do anything and everything with you and it’s really just eating at her bc this isn’t another event to plan or really something she can just organize away

hell she can’t even ride her motorcycle away bc all she can think abt is the way you practically lit up when she offered to give u a ride n she decides to just take a risk and stop you after one of your classes

you’re a little confused but you go with it bc she seems pretty distracted by something n u need a break from stats anyway so when she hands u her helmet u take it and watch her put on her space

she tells u to hold on and u do for dear life even if ur screaming at ur heart to shut up bc this is the first time you’ve been this close to her and it makes u tighten ur grip bc you dont want her to disappear

funnily enough, she doesn’t want u to either and she just relishes in ur touch

and so you both wind up at that beach and it’s so beautiful n ur in awe bc holy fuck tht ride was amazing and this,,, T H I S is amazing!!!!

she finds you so adorable and she’s just like “yeah,,, yeah this is.....”

n you look at her in confusion, sitting beside her on the shore even if the cool sand clings to ur legs, “what’s wrong? you seem off lately?”

and she shrugs, looking torn once again bc she’s thinking back to how you accepted her in, always offered a hand to her whenever she needed it whether it was helping her carry a box of event programs or even tutoring her in a class, like,,,, she never realized how much she enjoyed you taking care of her bc she’s constantly taking care of others

so she just blurts out “i like you” she goes for it bc why the hell not??? it’s better to get an answer this way

you’re shocked ofc but eventually you’re like “fuck, me too”

bc having her there? so goddamn close???? those feelings really bloomed and it’s silly and cliche but you can’t help but smile and say “jennie i like you too”

and lemme tell ya rn, she couldn’t be happier,,,,even when you both later find out that the Sludge was fixed nearly two weeks ago bc her roomie promised she’d get her back ,,,,, she just brings u close into her arms and u two watch the waves in ease and in this nice mutual satisfaction and rlly that’s all you both could ever ask for~

[tranquilitybasehotelcasino]

honorable mentions: quotes that didnt make it into my recent "the signs as" post

but wAS THE DOCTOR NOrMAN BATES????? good evening, you dirty homestuck lmo i lunch what are you, a chump welcome to your tape i nominate cordy for bucket duty PENNSYLVANIAAAAAA you got me. i am a cute polyamorous fuck thats allergic to spice "Yahtzee" said Dave. "Oppan Gangnam Style," her brain said approvingly. "Bruh," said Terezi. 🐴esist "i ship it" bb said blankly. the score is now Cordy 826, Jacob Asshole. welcome to scenic Screwup City, population Allison Keith "fuck up", see under "shut the" at least we have memes to dull the pain of existence i once had a dream that the kid who played rico in hannah montana went to our school im allison, from gym class im karina, from hell imagine if all babies sounded like Cr1tikal i think i convinced my moms friend to name her son eridan gay love! bee communism, and robot communism for that matter, sleepless in seattle 2: electric boogaloo yknow i dont think nebraska exists ava and emma are pyromaniacs, more at 11 dont you >:3c at me young man how did you know chess the musical was a musical about chess i hate shakespeare but ive alrready sold my soul to the bard *someone sends me a video of a furry convention* this is cyberbullying okay ive wanted to do this for a while but guys i gotta come out to you im a communist and a lesbian but more importantly a communist "disgusting" beef cheek bernie will pierce me DIE COMMIE FUCKER kisses smorch is a valid fantroll name i sweater god sounds like something a daddy dom would say amelia have you ever heard of a wild concept called church and the redemption of sin my entire body is in tangible pain!!! n'y'all welcome to hellmurder island ill be your concierge LEEEEEEEEROY NJENKINS hatsune malfoy maybe the REAL horcruxes were the friends we made along the way *soccer mom voice* sorry marlene, you arent daddy material pumpkin party in sea hitler's water apocalypse: the real straight agenda I HAVE WEAK THUMBS, LIZZIE my name. is will SHAW. *accidentally flushed my pad down the toilet* well this has gone completely fucking pear shaped, looks like theres no other way outta it. youre going to have to decapitate m no but listen have you ever actually played russian roulette dave strider, hatsune miku, and vlad the impaler walk into a bar, brandon you chicken fried fuck chapter one; old man megido and the freezer of doom STEALING MY PHONE WONT CHANGE YOUR INCESTUOUS FEELINGS ANDREW *blasting metal crusher* fuck me mettaton hey cordy what happens if i snort pop rocks "you die" shit really fuck you and fuck your dog biscuits!! young man, are you suggesting we blackmail batman i identify as an anime character, i promise i am pikachu in my heart im a fucking winner! a winner!!!! oh shit its sans undertale OH SHIT ITS JOHN HOMESTUCK O H S H I T I T S D I P P E R G R A V I T Y F A L L S No Archive Warnings Apply: Aradia Megido/Aradia Megido fucking mc escher YOUVE MURDERED US BOTH, YOU SON OF A BITCH, IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN YOU *loudly humming megalovania* "please" sbear ov juddice shes fuckinh whispering the lyrics to funkytown in my ear *ievan polkka blasting* taste THIS rainbow! goddammit janet b-buddy? *dani california blasting* listen. have you ever seen 2001: a space odyssey? "no" okay watch it and tell me being in love with hal 9000 is wrong i warned you about the stairs bro, i told you dog IT JUST KEEPS HAPPENING ELLLLLLECTRIC LEMONNNNNNN *screaming* MARQUISE SPINNERET MINDFANG eat me, lizzie millican! mushroom dance, mushroom dance, whatever could it mean? "it means youve lived a life of sin" *loud and squeakily* aND EVERY TIME WE ToUC H— DOES ANYONE HAVE THE VIDEO OF ME SWALLOWING RUBBER "nah" ha! youre broke! why is beetlejuice mossy WRONG CHAT WRONG CHAT i am the left brain, i am the left brain work very hard till my inevitable death brain you got a job to do, you better do it right and the right way is with the left brains might I L I K E O R E O S A N D P U S S Y welcome to antisocials anonymous *angrily* tHIS is why youre nEVER GONNA BE STAGE MANAGER *someone sneezes* shut the fuck up your blood is like a venetian delicacy also send nudes DIDNT MEAN TO SEND THAT THOSE ARE MY MINECRAFT PANTIES YOU SON OF A BITCH we should all go to comic con as homeless people with aids "no, annick" ITS BETTER THAN UNDERTALE im so sorry mr strizzle "lance lance revolution" please watch less voltron im pretty sure thats called cystic fibrosis Annick DuChateau has changed her name to 4 Entire DQ Blizzards in a Trench Coat on the count of three everyone kinkshame karina thats gay charlotte!!!! thats gay!!!! "and his memes arent funny" HEY NOW babbay pullmd close rin the backerseart of yowizr rofetr WHERE ARE MY HEADPHONES IM GONNA TAKE BLEACH SHOTS i cant believe brandons a directioner "i cant believe jacks emo" cry me a table, linda *groping an undertale body pillow* kama sutra, siena *singing off key* oNE RinG to RULE THem aLL soak me in your finest milks daddy who is our messiah? ... mrs d'angelo (our science teacher) *brandishing a plastic horseshoe* take it back, fuckboy i hate the library. everyone hates the library. you know what? heres your three dollars. ill see you in hell every time you speak, i hear the sound it makes when pac-man dies rey picks up kylo and dunks him in the trash. fucking obliterated are you a parking ticket? the future terrifies me if you cant put an end to moffat's shit writing you cant put an end of my life cake. stick it in your hoo-hah POLICE PUT THE CUMMIES ON THE GROUND oh you love homestuck? name five of his albums your room has posters with the dead eyes of Cameron Diaz boring through the souls of all who enter--- sollux feels trapped in a hell of "Wheels on the Bus" holy shit is that kurt cobain "yahtzee" said dave "ahem. undertale" then im gonna pull out my dads bigass bowling ball like "this is 1/800 the mass of vy canis majoris" only dumbfucks play magic the gathering in his free time, reginald enjoys BODY SLAMMING CIVILIANS WITH HIS WHEELCHAIR YES EGGSY blondie screeches to a halt, another comrade fallen meggers preggers THE HOT WINGS AVA THE HOT WINGS lizzie dont name your kid onomatopoeia annick youre a running joke in my household i can cut fabric lady but if you wanna see a super special skill i can cut human flesh you kids with your understuck and hometale im extra homosexual, but im in love with him. god bless that man. his laugh is my text tone bellybutton fetish KARINA ITS FIVE AM