#'i dont think im invested enough' um

[barbieaiden]

today we celebrate the one year anniversary of kas and tristan's existence

[skyburger]

forgot people really truly genuinely dont like the music on the radio in the early 2010s Wait. Ohmy god hang on i was looking up the top 100 so i could look at them across the years and the default is obviously the current top 100 and i need to stress out of the top ONE HUNDRED songs. about a THIRD are taylor swift songs (32/100). only two of these are below the top 50 (51 & 55, so. barely.) Thirty Fucking Taylor Swift Songs are in the billboard top 50. all of the top 10 are taylor fucking swift. doesnt even matter what i was gonna say because literally any other variety of stuff being in the top 100 is better than literally a third of it being taylor swift

^^^ do you understand why i put this in a reblog. diehard swifties are scary

holdon i have to put a ramble in the reblogs of this so peopledont find me in the tags (will make sense when i reblog)

[rakkuntoast]

ok i got nothing else to do so here's a transcript of the whole trauma talk

philza stream july 22nd 3:26:06

Tallulah: if i think u were paranoid, he is even more. y'all need a break

Phil: i mean it's cuz we've like experienced some kind of loss with the eggs, right? so, we've had the nightmare, alright. Chayanne lost a life to neglect cuz of misscommunication. Tallulah, you lost a life to the code monster...

Phil: Like we've felt what it's like to have you guys dissappear from our grasp, right? you've like- you've dissapeared from this world briefly, and we know what it's like. Like i-i've personally know what it's like, for you guys to fucking dissapear entirely like, the nightmare happened and i thought that was it, i was like "fuck well, it's done" and i felt so empty, right?

Phil: I-I genuenly felt like i lost a hardcore world, like- the 5 year world that i lost? that's what it felt like, i was like fucking miserable. And then bad uh- lost dapper like- like in a weird glitch type thing, and that got reverted. But when it happened, you can hear it in his voice like, he was distraught like- theres like a bond that we share even if is playing block game, you know?

Phil: we're just hanging out like, i wanna protect you guys with everything i can. everything i have i wanna protect you with, you know? but... i understand that i can't protect you for everything, so i just try to protect you from that i can, so... (and ooc out-of-character, i think everyone watching is incredibly invested also -laughs-, we're in the same boat)

Tallulah: It's understandable, thanks for sharing how u feel with us i'll be more careful

Phil: that's okay, you- you- you're very careful already tallulah, it's chayanne that fucking dives head first into danger all the time. He's- he's a bit more reserved now, you can do that chayanne when like theres more people, its fine, cuz then we can look after you, we can back you up. But when its just me and you, or me, you and tallulah.... we gotta- we gotta stick together, alright? we've seen all kinds of strange things happen

Chayanne: i mean, gosh i'm bad with words!!!

Phil: yeah, its alright. im just gonna throw some blocks out of my inventory

Tallulah: i gotchu brother

Phil: awww -laughs- gotta back eachother up, back eachother up guys

Tallulah: you show more with ur actions chay, that's more than enough

Chayanne: i dont want to die, i wont die soon, i take everything you showed us seriously

Phil: (overlaps) guessing "super seriously", yeah yeah yeah yeah.

Phil: You know what i think makes it more stressful? Is that us players can't see your health, right? So like, we don't iknow how close you are to danger, we can't- you can't talk to us mid fight, alright? like, you talk to us throught signs and books and stuff but like, we have to go through body language alone to figure out how in danger you are... You can't tell us, you dont have like a button to press, you don't have- there's like nothing to indicate that you're extremely low on health or in peril, alright?

Phil: So it makes it more stressful for the players and the people watching cuz we dont know, so i have to just be super fucking careful... And just treat it like you're on like barely any heart all the time, just in case

Chayanne: Thank you so much for that, when the giant squid grabbed me i was shaking-

Phil: -laughs- Oh god

Tallulah: Thank you for being such a good mentor (and father figure) i can't promise i might not die, but i will fight if i have to-

Phil: Oh i absolutely believe you'll do your absolute best to survive tallulah

Chayanne: When the giant squid grabbed me i was shaking bc i thought that was the end of it

Phil: Yeah- that was terrifying yeah, it's so- it's so like stressful

Tallulah: -to still be here with you all. i promised my papa and i make that promise to you

Phil: Aww, thank you Tallulah, thank you.

Phil: I feel like there's enough counter-measures in place that- realistically um it shouldnt be- nothing bad would happen like- you souldn't lose a life but.. You know me, and I- you know how im- I just I know that multiple bad things can stack on top of eachother and cause a really bad thing to happen, so like we have to be just careful of that, you know? You can be prepared for anything but there's always gonna be ways that you'll be unprepared for something, alright Phil: so- as long as we just prepare as much as we can and just be extra safe and not put ourselves in unnecessary danger then.. These situations that could happen can't happen. The only thing we can't prevent against really, or we can prevent it a little bit- but we can't really prevent it is when the code monster decides to take the life from an egg cuz.. You've seen it first hand, it does not give up

Chayanne: So yeah, it's not a good feeling ;_;

Phil: Yeah... I'm glad you guys are in the same page

Tallulah: In conclusion: we need to go to tio Roier's therapy sessions

Phil: -laughs- Is Quackity paying for it, yeah? Quackity got that on lock, it's like and insurance- it's like a company insurance, like a benefit you have for working with the server. its like "okay so uhh, who needs to book a therapy session today" everyone raises their hand at the same time, good god. Yeah, we'll go to family therapy together, we'll work it out, we'll work it out

edit: minor spelling mistake </3

[emptymasks]

so.. i sure feel like i invested a lot into a show just for them to not care in the end. and this isn't a 'wah they killed of my fave character so show bad'.

the pacing felt weird, right? i wonder if they wanted 10 episodes but the network only gave them 8? or maybe they just didn't know how to end the show. maybe they're scared they won't get a season 3 and so rushed the end of season 2?

but to build up izzy, to have him talk about belonging to something... only to have him die without anyone telling him they love him. yeah ed said they're family but like. the whole thing felt so sudden, from him being the one with richard to getting shot to dying and then to suddenly haha the silly guitar music is playing guys its funny joke time. like. ed was upset as izzy was dying but then it seemed at his burial that no one really cared. it would have been more impactful if his death had been the final scene of the season.

but wouldn't it have been much better to show izzy finding a family? to have him captain the revenge? to contrast with season 1 and how the crew hated him when he was in charge. to end season 2, end the show, with him captaining the crew and having their respect and their love?

because it really didn't feel like he died for the crew, for his family. because he push someone else out of the way to save them he just got outsmarted by richard (since when is izzy that stupid or not strong enough to hold onto a man?) and got shot. like idk you could have had him die protecting ed or stede or the crew. how on earth could izzy not hold onto a man who's physically weaker than him and how the hell did he let someone else grab his fucking gun. or wait im re-watching it looks like richard just.. grabbed a gun out of his own coat.. i.. did no one search this man and take his weapons off him.. what the fuck.. no im sorry there's no excuse that doesn't make sense for no one to have taken his weapons away that just seems like bad writing.

if you were going to kill him off he deserved a better death.

but he deserved a better ending than this. what's the point of him having this arc of finally caring about people if he dies and it seems no one really cared other than ed and fang?

omg i just read as i'm writing this that jenkins does have a plan for a season 3. okay so now it's only acceptable if con wanted to leave the show so they had to kill off izzy but they still should have done it better. have him fending off the english so the crew can escape. have him taking a bullet for ed. something that means something. omg.

and ed and stede... i don't feel like they're ready for this yet. the only way they should be living together is the end of the show. not the end of a season. they literally only just got back together they need time to grow together.

you really said its a show about people finding love and happiness and then killed off the queer disabled character who got to die while telling his abuser that he loved him. the ending feels like the show saying 'actually not everyone deserved love, if you were an izzy fan you were right to get hate' like. he deserved to be loved by the crew, to be told that they cared. but he didn't get that.

also um?? the crew dont love ed. he literally only just finished torturing them, some of them have ptsd and trauma from what he did to them, and even if they want to forgive him they certainly do not love him yet. they cared much more about you izzy than they did about ed.

and then to have him shot in the left side, the place that ed showed in season 1 was a 'safe place' to get injured i. what.

where the fuck was roach? just watching? not trying to help? does he either not care or not think it's worth trying to save him??

IM SORRY BUTTONS CAN TRANSFORM INTO A BIRD, AUNTIE CAN SURVIVE AN EXPLOSION, JACKIE AND SWEDE ARE IMMUNE TO POISON, BUT IZZY GETTING SHOT IN HIS LEFT SIDE UH OH THAT'S DEATH SORRY.

i love the crew, i love zheng. i like stede and ed's romance but they're never the reason i watched the show. but i found izzy's arc the most meaningful to me. and i. i really don't think i'm going to watch a season 3 if there is one. not just because izzy's not there, but that last episode just felt like they don't care or don't know how to write anymore in a way that i enjoy at least.

to see someone like izzy (who's backstory i thought we would get, at least who the ring belongs too that he wears around his neck but no okay) he disliked because he has to be, he doesn't know how to be soft and be loved or how to love others. to show that a person who has been hurt so much and built themself so hard and buried their real self so far below.. to see that person be able to find themself again, to love others, to let themself be loved, to others see who they are. that meant so much.

so much for this being a happy queer show. for a lot of people he felt like this representation of an older queer man who's just coming out of the closet, exploring himself, there's not another character like that. the disability representation with him this season i've seen has meant a lot of people. his arc isn't the same as any others and a lot of people have found something very personal to connect to in that and i think they have a right to be upset.

to say it makes sense for him to be killed off for the narrative because ed needed to let him go... sounds cruel? izzy is a person, he's not a narrative object to make ed feel better about himself. to have ed abuse izzy, physically abuse him, and then izzy's arc ending with him apologising as if it was his fault (yes he encouraged blackbeard, but please let's not victim blame, let's take male victims of abuse seriously) and saying he still loved ed i just..

to say it makes sense narratively for him to get killed off for other reasons i don't fully disagree, but i think it was too soon, and i think at least it should have been in a way that made sense like him protecting the crew, not allowing richard to STILL HAVE HIS GUN ON HIM DID NO ONE CONFISCATE HIS WEAPONS?? or did he take izzy's gun in which case HOW how would izzy allow richard to take his gun. he's smart and a capable fighter what is this.

i saw someone else say izzy's death had no meaning and no consequence. and they're right. the crew moved on straight away and forgot about him (apart from fang, shout out to fang), and seemed like they didn't care. they aren't seeking revenge. they aren't angry. so it's for.. ed and stede to get together? izzy deserves more than that. and they could have still gotten together anyway... if it's for ed to move on then fuck that. an abuser doesn't get to move on from the abuse he caused because his victim fucking died.

i'd been looking forward to this episode all week after i really terrible week and well. should have known nothing this week was going to plan.

[aropride]

psychology rant of th day. we're reading about attachment styles in my psych class and idk i kind of feel like it's bullshit. like. i know i cant just point at things and go "BULLSHIT" but it just feels like. way too simplistic.

not to deny how childhood relationship with caregivers influences adulthood obviously, just. i think its kindof silly to be like "ok theres 4 ways u can act in a relationship. the Good way the Scared way the Avoidant way and the Abused Child way." and it makes classes really awkward cuz its like Ok everyone write a discussion board post about your attachment style! like um. ok. yeah man i have the Abused As A Child attachment style 👍

and i also have a friend who's fearful-avoidant and was Not abused or neglected as a child. dont say "the exception proves the rule" i dont understand that phrase and never will. I just think its very strange way of categorizing people

AND ALSO like. the assumption seems to be that as a general rule peoples "attachment styles" are 1) the same across situations/types of relationships and 2) arent influenced by, like, things that happen after 18months. like it says they Can be changed by later relationships but barely even goes into it. like no i think the like . MANY instances of interpersonal violence and abuse have shaped the way i interact with others even if i was 16 and not a baby when they happened. yknow

im not done thinking abt it yet obvi im not even done reading the chapter. but this Feels Like Bullshit to me. also i googled "is this bullshit" and the answers were like No. Psychologists Have Identified Four Types Of People. and im not invested enough to read thru studies but like. how did they identify these Types. are they accounting for people who dont fit any of the types. what are the speculations on non-abused children with a fearful-avoidant type. are they using this framework to do research therefore validating the framework by using it in research about it etc etc like a snake eating its own tail. how does this vary culturally. if none of them are "good" or "bad" whyare they called Secure vs Fearful/Avoidant. etc

edit to add- the language/words used for each style are aallllll over the place too. why isnt there set names for these

[velvetnviolentviolets]

Get To Know The Author

name : Kay

pronouns :  she/her

preference of communication : Honestly I have a huge preference for discord. I don't trust tumblr IM to actually alert me. Ive recently learned tumblr has been eating my asks too. If I don't reply to an ask or DM me PLEAS reach out to me. I will NEVE outright ignore something. If I don't think something is going to work for our muses I will reach out to you. 

most active muse :  Kat is my loudest and most demanding. After that would be Her brother Kass, Feyre, and then our spotty maybe I'm here maybe I'm not - Emmett.  

experience / how many years : Ohhh boy. I've been doing the rp thing off and on since 2010. There was a five year chunk in recent years where I disappeared for a bit but the lovely @sharpayevcns pulled me back in a few months ago and I am so appreciative that she did. <3 

best experience : Discovering the people here that make me feel safe enough to obsess over threads. You guys have absolutely made my return to tumblr. If I were to delete my blog with nothing but my connection with you guys to show for it - Well I would be absolutely fine with that. You guys are amazing and will absolutely be tagged in this. 

rp pet peeves : I keep running into situations where I get heavily invested in plotting something (Drawing, writing head cannons, making playlists, planning cannon events. . .I literrally brushed up on a whole ass language for a plot) Only to have those people completely leave me on read. I am not a pushy partner in the least. I would be more than happy to wait a month for a reply. But I need communication. I need feedback if something doesn't sit right for you. I need reciprocated enthusiasm. You don't have to show It the same way I do but I need some show of enthusiasm otherwise it just feels uncomfortable and I feel annoying and restrained. That's not what I'm here for. I've honestly made the decision to start unfollowing people based on a three strikes basis. No hard feelings. I just don't want to follow anyone who doesn't bring the same energy I do. 

fluff, angst, or smut :ALL OF IT! While I'm becoming more and more selective about who I write smut with I LOVE writing smut ESPECIALLY if its born of post Angst fluff. Actually almost exclusively. There is nothing that gets my muses motor going like post Angst Fluff! 

plots or memes : Augh! Don't make me pick. I love Plotting but sometimes nothing really gets the juices flowing like memes do. I cant tell you how many times a simple meme interaction help set a pivotal point in a plot. ALSO- Memes are usually what help me forego my shy nature. While my muse outwardly gives NONE of the Ducks. . .I do . I give all of the Ducks so memes help  me loosen up. I'm not responsible for the haphazard neuroSpicy creature you meet once the shyness has fallen away. You've been warned.

long or short replies : It depends on my mood and attention span. There is a Adderall shortage right now so I have only been taking my Adderall on work days so Ive had a VERY hard time focusing o replies as of late. When Im on top of my Game I am LONGWINDED AF .Please don't ever feel like you have to match me because there are times where I will write you a novel and we were only supposed to be writing a sentence or two. It just happens and Im sorry.  time to write : Ha! um . . . Well I work Graveyard  Thursday- Saturday from 8PM-9:30ish AM (PST)  On slow nights I do write here and there but for the most part I can be found here pretty sporadically. If I have something going on during my weekend that I have to be a daytime person for then ill be up during the day time. OTHERWISE- Mostly evening and spooky hours . 

are you like your muses : I could draw some parallels with each of them but I dont think I am like any of them. 

tagged by: The Alluring  @wynterlanding ~<3

@grimmusings @sharpayevcns @godccmplex <3

[acaciapines]

This is a lot siller than my other questions, but which ships, if any, are you doing for this AU? I kinda wanna know if I get to see some Lumity and Huntlow in this AU. Also, Amity’s reaction to Luz-Hunter-Mari-Flapjack seems like it’ll be interesting. I refuse to believe that girl was brought up without ANY daemon prejudices. (and I started listening to No Hell because of you. I can’t stop, help.)

this is so funny bc i um. dont have a lot to say on this dfkjgdfg ive never been the sort of person to super focus on ships.

the main two that show up are luz/amity and raine/eda! for lumity i had a lot of fun with it bc it develops a bit differently...some of the big milestones (getting together, first kiss) happen at different points in my au! and of course with mari and alma there we get to see some different dynamics....my favorite is the amity/mari dynamic i had a BLAST with that. in the human realm, after all, daemons arent all that involved in dating, arent they? but in the demon realm....

and then raine/eda is just SO fun bc. i mean the owl beast is there now too. and considers eda her life partner. (not necessarily in a romantic sense. firefly is a big owl and doesnt conceptualize romance the same way witches and humans do) and has Very Mixed Feelings On Raine, bc back when she and eda were like young adults eda was dating raine and firefly did not get a say in this! so them sort of coming back together is VERY fun. I JUST THINK THE BIG OWL GETS A SAY IN THE RELATIONSHIP OKAY. somehow eda is the most worried about this.

huntlow is um. gkjdfg as canon as it is in the show which is to say im never going to focus on it but you can for sure read them that way. i have nothing against huntlow but again im just not a huge shippy-type person when i write, and while im invested in the lumity and raeda dynamics and how my au changes them, i just. cannot say the same for huntlow lol.

funnily enough! the boiling isles doesnt have the exact same prejudices the human realm has! they instead have the coven system which is uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh lets just say. a time!

(YES. JOIN ME. ITS SUCH A GOOD SONGGGGGGG!)

[trossibop]

quick rantttt hihi um so. i just listened to a podcast about bayern this season and someone was making a point that this struggle to win the title for bayern is just the end of an era, and it now makes us realise how much of an extraordinary (as in not usual) club bayern was. to dominate the liga for a decade and continually have this big terrifying image around europe since forever; now that its (practically) over, bayern returns to being just a normal club. and to me its true! it had to end somewhere, and i even think it will further create motivation for the team to really fight for the titles. i dont know if im clear enough but i dont care if dortmund wins the liga this year or any year - if they do, good for them, they would have deserved it. for now its only really depressing as bayern fan but it had to stop somewhere. and at least it while make the bundesliga interesting!! im sure everyone will be more invested. this sounds so condescending and nasty but we have to get used to losing again and know that its not the end of the world😭😭

[obitv]

hi your riptide / killjoys thing sounds SO FUCKING SICK please tell me about it

prefacing this by saying i havent finished riptide im on ep50 ok evverything else i know is gathered from fics and from my dash so if it doesnt properly line up with backstories FUCK YOU DONT TELL ME YET. also im using a ton of kj fanon slang bc its what im used to, if you dont know what a phrase means just ask. ok anyway

the factions honestly line up pretty well?? the navy is BLind, the pirates are killjoys. high ranking navy officers like jays family are crows and exterminators. the boats are cars, the undersea is like.. maybe the lobby. tritons are droids for the sake of this ok (not often seen out in the zones, have a wildly different culture, etc) because i diid NOT want to have to worldbuild an entire faction of like. goddamn radiation mutants since the reason nobody can leave the zones is bc its surrounded by a fucking killzone. alright. so we're doing droids

whether or not chip is sandpup or cityborn is kinda irrelevant - he ends up out in the ones real fuckin early regardless and gets picked up by the black rose crew etc etc. but they get caught in a REAL bad clap with crows and he just has to fucking leg it and pray. that OR theyre cauht in the bombing of zone7 idk i havent listened to the oneshot and i dont believe in factchecking. whichever works. he ends up stuck in the zones, alone, at a way too fucking young age and nobody ELSE wats some ittle kid dragging them down so he ends up in the lobby and makes it work there instead. he has something to do with juvie halls? i dont know enough canon backstory to say much more but yeah. he falls in with tthem until he meets JAY!!

ferin family = scarecrows thats fairly obvious. higherups in BLind get benefits so shes never been on their meds (this helps out in the desert with being a better shot, bc she has no withdrawal shakes. same with drey) and just like. generally is allowed more freedom. but obviously with this freedom she realises BLind fucking SUCKS and somthing something her sister was a crow and died etc etc. also i think ava wouldve been fairly known in the city for being on BLind broadcasts. jay too maybe because i think chip teasing her for it is funny, and because obviously crows use fake names so the "ferin" name would be less known than her appearance. she visits the lobby fairly regularly but doesnt have the guts to leave until she meets chip

GILLION THOUGH. since im using droids we're Going to pretend here that in my version of kjs there are sentient droids that ARENT SEXBOTS. OK. WE'RE PRETENDING THOSE ARE A THING. he was probably a sentry or guard or something. robots are autistic so this tracks. but he gets kicked out of his post for some fucking reason and ends up just kind of. aimless in the lobby. he becomes VERY invested in the preachings of destroya. at some point, after jay and chip have left, he somehow manages to get out by himself and collapses in the sand in zone one which is how chip and jay find him. also ive yet to decid how to handle the plus addiction thing since thats. not really a topic that comes up in riptide. ill think on it maybe

um other than that.. as for names im . well gillion tidestrider sunds like a kj name its insane and punny enough. i have a lot of naming convention hcs that i cant explain concisely but ill just say chip only having a first name makes sense despite kj names being 2-3 words typically. jay im totally stumped on though bc girl she HAS to change her name and it should really follow the two word format and again. she cannot keep her last name bc anyone from the city would recognise the ferin name. so theres that. yeah thats all i got hiiii i will make this better when i catch up i promise

[miupow]

hi sorry long ask im coming out of the wood work (i logged into tumblr for the first time in weeks lol hi lia !!!!) to deliver a certified puppy anon cannot shut the fuck up ever take so pls take it w a grain of salt if i am wrong and a smooch on ur face.

tee bee aech i really dont think it matters if an audience can tell if a writer has had sex or not - and this comment is more like a general message on ur post + all the mooties who expressed insecurity 😔🫡 i do nawt want this to read as an attack and if i came off as um acktchually 🤓 ☝️ i would kms

like you said porn is about the fantasy of it all and imo whether or not you can deliver a cohesively written story/porn/smut etc is more important than depicting it accurately or with the fear that the sex being portrayed isnt good enough. i think sex is about passion as much it is about logistics and its a combination of the two that achieves good storytelling in porn - idk maybe this is the "idk but this guy Fucks" thing u were talking abt !! 🤔 its why theres so many background workers in like actual professional video-type porn; u need to get the right aesthetic shots, make sure the actors stay ready for hours and hours of filming, and make sure the editing is compelling enough that the audience stays.

as a writer and an audience member if two writers, one virgin and not, both wrote like idk breeding doggy style coming together with dirty talk and aftercare one-shot for the 40th time each the contents would be similar enough that like i do not think i would care if i could tell someones history based on how fast someones cock goes flaccid post nut because i was invested in the rest of the story. That and bc their sexual history is personal to them and its not my place to speculate based on like idk kpop idol porn lol. 😎😔🫡 its v reminiscent of irl fears of being s virgin/ not being a good enough partner at sex bc being good at it is something so intrinsically personal to a lot of people and their worth. so much so that we've made hierarchies out of it!!! 😭 but maybe i dont care about it in the same way others do so its importance is lost to me.

anyways thats my long long long comment and pls feel free to disagree or push back where im wrong i looove talking and thinking 💔. but. hi!! how r u!! i hope work isnt ruff 3: its been like two weeks i was in exam hell and while i am not free i am letting myself back onto tumblr for like approx 24 hrs bc my ults r at coachella and i need 2 see that 🫣

- 🐶 non

hi sweetie pie!! i missed you lots <3 it’s good to see you back!!! i’m working lots but i have the weekend off i’m so excited… i hope you come out of exam hell unscathed

i completely agree with you that it doesn’t really matter whenever or not a writer has sexual experience when writing smut. i didn’t mean anything critical by what i said and i’m really sorry if it came out that way; i just find it so interesting how so many nsfw writers are virgins lol i wonder if there’s a reason for that

[jess-oh]

day 3

hi journal.

im going to write today's entry as a letter to sophie. im a maid of honor for her wedding but after talking to jeanne today, i do really feel a lot more at peace having a straight convo with her. below is what i currently plan to say as it's been getting harder and harder to keep this "secret covered."

dear sophie,

hey girl! so, i want to preface this by saying youre allowed to react or decide to demote me or anything you want to do. that's your perogative.

um, i feel that we haven't been as close lately and a bit like we've been outgrowing each other for some time. i still value you a lot as a friend and enjoy talking about all our shared interests but ive been realizing that that isnt enough to fulfill me anymore. i think a part of me had always hoped or believed that if we just spend enough time together or being friends, our friendship would naturally deepen and we'd be able to get to a point where we're more freely vulnerable with one another and while we've had moments, that overall just never really happened. which is okay and i respect your boundaries and everything. im just realizing it's something that i really crave. and because of that, i dont feel as inclined to invest as much into our friendship anymore. im still totally cool hanging out and playing games every so often when possible but i think i need to find and cultivate a friendship that can fulfill me in this way.

i feel like thats a pretty good point to end on and allow her to respond. and if she responds asking why she cant just play that role for me and tries to point out how she already has, then i'd say:

i started thinking more seriously about this over the past month. i think the idea has been lingering in the back of my mind for a while but i never knew what words to put to my thoughts until more recently. but i feel that our hangouts were more mutual at one point but for a long time now, it feels as though i've been initiating our hangouts a lot more than you do. in general, i feel as though i reach out to you to check in and ask how youre doing and offer support and dont feel that reciprocated as much. i just feel like a back-up friend in your life and not actually very prioritized. like, if theres a last minute event, im a good person to ask to join. but to actually just hangout with, it doesnt really feel like a time is being allotted to spend with me. im the eternal +1 but not the actual invited 1.

im okay hanging out at your place and i started initiating for that a lot because youre such a homebody and i just chalked it up to if i want to hangout with sophie, it has to be at her home bc she wont have the energy to trek it over to me. but honestly, it does actually bother me that we rarely ever hangout at my place. it feels like im constantly making the trek to you but the effort isnt reciprocated. and i get some weeks are harder than others and you just really dont have the energy to travel and i get it. but we really only ever go to my place for our friendiversaries and thats kind of it.

i dont want our friendship to just depend on me.

in general, ive noticed a pattern over time and i just dont feel supported in the way i need by you many times. im okay volunteering information about my life sometimes but not all the time. the burden then always weighs on me. i just wanted to be asked how im doing. which you do do at times and i appreciate it every time. but, idk. it always feels a little... awkward? tense? weird? like even when i share honestly and vulnerably whats going on in my head at the given time, it doesnt feel like you actually really care. theres such minimal follow up in both in the moment and after the fact. no questions asking for more details or how to help me feel supported or check-ins on updates on the situation weeks later. it feels like you grabbed onto my sister's frustration over her trash bf and thats it.

and ive come to terms with the fact that maybe this is just your personality and thats fine. if you arent really the type to ask follow up questions or check in over time, thats perfectly okay! it's just, i think i need that in my life with someone i dedicate so much time and energy to.

again, im more than happy to continue to be your friend but maybe not "best friends"? we just arent that close anymore and i dont really see that changing anytime soon. im happy to still be a part of your wedding, if youll have me, but i also understand if this changes things.

i hope youre able to receive my intentions well.

thank you for listening and im sorry for everything.

jess oh

[bawkrya]

Uuuh something something flag (i want to hear about cdramas)

ok HI well you caught me at the most devastating time where im fixated on the worst of the three cdramas i rotate in my brain (or ginal sin again) LOL, im going to force yall to sit down and perceive my hyperspecific version of chi zhen (my girlfriend) in my brain

SO! if you have the patience take my essay length "summary" of OS/and how i perceive it to have more context for who chi zhen is and what he does

my transgender king. and NOT in the way u wld expect. chi zhen is like. Removed from a lot of things, but i think she esp wld be for LGBT stuff & similar topics. like he didnt know what a bisexual was until one of the girls at his club explained it to him removed. If you put this man through covid 2020 lockdown he would come out trans in some way which is WHAT I DO TO HIM!

ive kind of given her my gender which is no gender but in the opposite way where hes transfem vs me being transmasc. she still aligns with more masculine things but also sophie called him her 'favorite pretty girl' as a joke once and he had to sit down and dissect the feelings it put in his brain. i literally use she/her or he/him for her depending on what flows better with the sentence in my brain.

if i do commit to the rewrite though it wld be very very subplot that IS noted, but he literally wouldnt even have time to properly think about it in depth bc hes u know, trying to kill someone, someones trying to kill him, etc............ but also for the rewrite i am wanting to do 'spinoff' where i jst invest some writing into 'downtime' story for like. character development. Filler basically but its not being injected as to prevent the rewrite from getting too long bc I Promise You It Will.

2. going 2 go over this before my actual next point i wanted to go over but this mf has autism. he wears sunglasses p much everywhere & honestly jst seems like he has a sensitivity to light. the way he goes about certain social instances in the show. and i dont think we were shown Much of how she is in the courtroom but she very much seems to be a patterns sort of person when it comes to solving situations.

also i am autistic.

3. the actual thing iwanted to go over: herspecial interest is colognes/perfumes and he can identify a VERY good portion of such jst by smelling it. i literally dont know why this is wht i chose for him but hes Definitely like insanely prissy about personal hygiene and (covers the show with my hand) dresses herself well and i just think he shld have a cologne/perfume collection.

chi zhen doesnt really have too many REAL personal belongings, hes been in jail, where he lives is very purposely hidden so he doesnt really have an Option to keep many personal items. But. I think he wld have a pretty decent collection of different cologne/perfume. which is fueled when people give him such for birthdays/holidays

i dont think she wld specifically have a preference bc different perfumes suit different people, on top of different styles of perfumes and all that. ipersonally dont know enough abt perfumes to even go in depth for it but she would kno the intricacies. She would.

its not smth he like talks abt all the time bt by god u ask him one (1) thing related to it and it can turn into a good 45 minute conversation b4 she realizes whats happening and immediately goes :| BC IT GETS HIM EMBARRASSED ........... but he likes it a lot and of the ppl who kno abt her interest they usually ask her for suggestions on it bc she likes assigning certain scents 2 people. like a planned filler scene i got is based on her getting like really suddenly angry/antsy while trying to go over a case and its literally bc lu li unexpectedly changed colognes w/o saying anything and he fucking lectures him for it

but yeah um i thikn that is all i am goign to willingly post abt publicly for my hyperspecific hcs for this guy bc 4 some reason i think the cringe police will come and kill my ass if i go into anymore depth. i lvoe this mf so fucking much i want to dissect him like you would tear off a young branch from a tree and split its bark in order to see the stringy inside

[euphoricfilter]

Omg I read the first ch of a succubus mc x ot7 fic. Where the maknae line summon a demon for fun. the summoning recipe has common flowers and spices lol. It's a lil funny and just a casual first meeting ch. Too bad this writer takes a while to update :/ Ugh it sucks to find a good fic but it no longer updates or takes a long time to update. I know writing is hard but my fic addiction ahh. (At the same time, I will backlog fics so maybe im the problem lol. um sometimes it just doesnt feel right or something idk lol) Succubus mc x ot7 is a fantasy that i really liked at one point. You can get creative with them using their supernatural powers in bed. (its kind of a shame that all of the demon fics i read dont do this hm. ive only seen it once and it was a lil scary/weird? lol) And its more realistic that mc has enough stamina to have sex with multiple or all of them in a day.

-🖤

oooo that sounds really interesting

nooo i totally get that, especially when i’m really invested in a series as well. i think i’ve started to appreciate writers a lot more since i’ve started writing myself but i still get so impatient while waiting 🥲

this isn’t ot7 but this is succubus m/c x jungkook originally i think it was a one shot but they recently uploaded a second part if that interests you!

[esoraluco]

I STILL love Licorice and ppg gangreengang but...

Look story time, in 2020 CR released this beautiful individual, for whom i developped an instant crush on-

Ananas Dragon Cookie! Which made me play and most importantly- ENJOY playing the game. Because of deppression it’s hard for me to enjoy most games these days, and when i enjoy something it’s not for long (a month or so- usually less), so i was glad to have SOMETHING. Plus i haven’t played the game in years (since 2016) so i had a good amount of content/characters to catch up on. But ngl i was more focused on getting Ananas. I eventually did in summer 2020, and got new faves, like Lobster, Whipped Cream, and a good bunch of others (i’ll draw them all in a chart one day!).

But here’s the thing that made me keep playing- when they released Ananas, lore was revealed, saying there were other dragon characters, and this picture was shown;

I hate to be a victim of hype, but. Yeah i can’t lie these mere shadows made me so excited that at each month story update, i was hoping they would show/release one of these, esp the blue one. Because i *adore* sea/water dragons, they’re my favs... Btw yellow shadow silouhette is Ananas, and red one was released in 2019 (their name is Pitaya- i love them too, but they’re not in my top 5). And so during the remining of 2020, i kept hoping for a dragon character to show up or be released...

... Until now. I waited well over a year, and early 2021 updates were pretty hard for me to go through- not because they weren’t enjoyable (they were!... except the may and june ones ngl), but because i didn’t really care and just wanted the blue dragon character... Thankfully i had Licorice to help me through and make a new brainless fave 💖💀 also i waited so long that last month i got fed up and did my own version of the blue dragon concept lol

BUT NOW! AFTER MORE THAN A YEAR OF WAITING!!!!!!!!

They’re more beautiful that i could ever have hoped them to be... Finally, not only my wait is over, but it was worth it as well. We don’t know much about their character yet (nor their pronouns/gender- though the other dragons are nb so i think Lotus will be as well. Though im gay so. Kinda hoping male or masculine ngl), but so far... They’re kinda evil LOL, so immediate fav (as if there was any help needed). I’m tired but i want to make pictures of them.. and maybe. A Self insert ngl 🙈

[pocketramblr]

kay so ive had some thoughts on literature rolling around in my head during my cleaning shift at the bookstore, but organizing it? hahaha hahhhhh

no

[moemoemammon]

im so sorry i dont know how to format this but could i request hcs of mc walking into one of the brothers rooms in the middle of the night and being like “um i had a nightmare.. can i stay with you”🧍if not its okay though!! :]

I Had a Nightmare...

(Feat. GN!MC and the Demon Bros)

✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦

Lucifer

Lucifer always keeps his door locked when he's asleep, so you took a gamble in choosing to come to him for your post-nightmare comfort. Luckily, the eldest is a night owl so he's awake.

He looks up when you enter his bedroom, currently sitting on his bed and reading a book. He's about to scold you when he sees the face you're making.

You don't even have to tell him something's wrong, because he can tell. He sets his book aside and gestures to the empty side of his bed.

Once you climb in, Lucifer shifts slightly, just so your arm is pressed against his own. It's like an invitation for you to lean in if you want, and should you choose to, he'll wrap you in his arms and carefully rub your back.

"A nightmare, hm? It's interesting to think that there are things that can scare you, considering where you are right now. But there's nothing for you to be afraid of. After all, I have no intention of letting anything bad happen to you, so long as I live."

Mammon

Mammon startles awake the moment you enter his room, nearly toppling out of his bed in the process. Grrr, he could've seriously gotten hurt! What're you trying to pull, suddenly barging into his room like th-

Oh. Oh.... He takes one look at your face and all that anger of his fizzles out into nothing. He's a little self conscious being shirtless and all, so he awkwardly tugs on a tshirt that's been tossed to the floor, and makes his way over to you

What happened? Did someone do something?? Ah.. a nightmare, huh? Mammon's big brother instincts are taking over, and he's pulling you into a tight hug, squeezing out all your worries.

And when he's finished, he ruffles your hair and gestures to his bed. A human like you still needs to get their rest, so you should try to sleep some more. But if you really can't, he's not against the idea of the two of you bundling up and watching a movie or something.

"You're like a little kid, ya know? But don't worry, the Great Mammon's gonna chase away those bad dreams o' yours, no problem! ...Hah? Whatdya mean 'that's cheesy'?? I'm being serious here!"

Levi

Levi's definitely awake when you enter his room, but he doesn't notice you. His computer monitor has his undivided attention, and his headphone are drowning out the sound of your entry.

So it takes you tapping his shoulder for him to react, and boy does he react. Levi nearly has a heart attack and only calms down when he realizes it's only you. Did you come to play games? You should've texted him and he’d set everything up! But wait... that's not it?

You had a nightmare and of all the places you could go, you came to HIM?? Levi's having a hard time pushing down the grin on his face, but he collects himself for your sake. Now's no time to be feeling giddy when his best friend is in need!

He might not be great at comforting people, but he knows what helps him when he has nightmares. So he wraps you up in a blanket and pulls up a chair for you to use so you can watch him game. This is better than thinking about that other stuff, right?

"I'll turn down the screen brightness, and- UWAH! W-wait! Um... no, it's fine. I don't mind if you lean against me like that. You're tired, so it's probably more comfortable like that. I'll keep still, okay..?"

Satan

Nightmares aren't something Satan experiences often, being born of rage and the only pure demon in the house. He reads enough horror novels that he's practically become immune to anything scary.

But that doesn't mean he never has bad dreams, so when you come into his room to tell him about yours, his expression softens up. You caught him in the middle of reading, but you're more important than any silly book.

Satan gives you that warm look he reserves only for you (and cats), and gestures for you to come closer. He's got the second comfiest bed in the house, the first being Belphie's. Topped with warm quilts and plenty of pillows to support him as he reads, you're wrapped up in warm comfort once you join him.

Especially when he wraps an arm around you, giving you a curious look. He can be a little too curious at times, so he immediately asks what your nightmare was about.

"If you're interested, I have a guidebook for dream interpretations. I could try to find out the root of your worries, or... you could spend the night here instead? I wouldn't mind having you by my side until morning."

Asmo

Asmo is VERY invested in his beauty sleep. Even a slight deviation in his schedule could be disastrous for his complexion! His brothers know better than to disturb him lest they feel like dying, but you? You're the only exception... Lucky, huh? ❤️

When you touch him, he barely stirs. It takes a couple of shakes to get him to wake up, and then he's whining and grumbling until he realizes who's there. How could he be upset when he gets to wake up to your gorgeous face?

But right now.. your expression isn't bright and sunny at all. You look distressed, and he soon learns it because a pesky nightmare has been harassing you all night. He couldn't be happier that you chose HIM of all people for your comfort!

While there are many things he could do to help you forget about your bad dream, he opts for carefully guiding you into his bed, cooing sweet nothings until he's got you in his arms. You're enveloped in the smell of his sweet body lotion while he presses kiss after gentle kiss across your temple and down the bridge of your nose.

"There there, love. To think a nightmare has put you in such a state.. It's unforgivable! I'll get rid of all those worries so you can spend the rest of the night dreaming about my beauty! Or... about you and I. Wouldn't that be the perfect dream?"

Beel

Beel sleeps almost as soundly as Belphie does, and his monstrously loud snoring drowns out most sound, including your quiet knocking on his bedroom door.

But when you come in and tug on his sleeve, Beel's eyes blink open and he lets out a confused grunt, letting his eyes focus on the darkness around him. Where did that mountain of rainbow pizza go?? He wasn't even halfway done, and- Oh. MC.

You had a nightmare?? Beel stands up immediately and wears a look of worry, pulling you into a gentle hug. You look like you need one.

He's not the best when it comes to comforting words, but he can just show you how he feels. That's good too, isn't it? Maybe if he hugs you for long enough, you won't remember your nightmare.

"Do you want to take my bed? I'll sleep on the sofa, so- ah. Together? ...That's fine, too. I'll hold you close, so you don't have to be afraid anymore."

Belphie

The heaviest sleeper in the entire Devildom, it's a literal miracle that you managed to wake him up. Still, he's only half awake, and staring blankly at you while you explain why you're there.

A nightmare, huh? He's had plenty of those. If that's all it is, then just climb into bed with him. Belphie lazily pulls back his blankets and opens his arms for you, gesturing expectantly.

And once you're nice and cozy, he pulls you even closer until the gap between you is closed, and all you can feel is his warmth. He buries his face into your neck, tickling your skin with his breath.

His slow, heavy breathing makes you wonder if he's fallen back to sleep just like that, but he gives your side a reassuring squeeze and lets his eyes open slightly to look into yours.

"Must've been pretty scary if you came all the way here. No matter how many bad dreams you have, I'll be right here when you wake up. It feels better to wake up in my arms, doesn't it?"