#'and he's also doing all this with the emotional regulation he stopped having the opportunity to develop at like sixteen'

[angorwhosebabyisthis]

'still no real help from that earth faerie.' that is the face of a man who just tried to do murder with his teeth and bare hands and Would Fuckin Try It Again if he knew sophie wasn't going to stop him this time

reading ToW as a kid i was confused by how angry bruno was with ilere from the moment they walked in, and how fast he Lost It, but looking back i'm just like yeah if someone dumped my traumatized little sister in the woods to fend for herself for ten years i would not be very patient with them either

[blorbocedes]

ok hear me out.... totally crazy idea.... max / lando mind games

Lando stops from where he's grinding against Max's thigh to look up hesitantly. "Hey, you're not like, mad at me from last week's radio, right? Cause Daniel was saying in the media..."

Max is broken out of his spacing out, blinking and then frowning as he registers Lando's words. "I have not spoken to Daniel." His hand curls against Lando's thigh.

Lando nods. Right. Cause it would be pretty awkward of them to be doing this if Max was mad at him. Max's thigh is a solid weight under him and his dick is missing the friction already. They're not supposed to have sex during race week so they improvise. This is basically building core strength for Lando.

"So, we're cool." Lando says nonchalantly, squeezing Max's shoulder in a friendly manner and also to balance himself, gearing himself ready to start back up. His underwear had pooled a small wet spot of precome already.

This time Max stops him. The grip on his waist tightens, stopping his hips from moving. Max holds his gaze in that intense eye contact he likes to hold, that Lando can't shy away from. "Why would we not be cool? It is, of course, your championship to win now,"

Lando's dick is so hard, it twinges in pain. To gain some leverage, he palms Max's half-hard cock through his briefs.

"Which makes it my championship to lose." Max finishes wryly.

"Don't say that." Lando mutters, ears going red, flaming downwards. Lando thumbs Max's bulbous tip to be petty, and Max digs his thumb and fingers into the soft flesh of Lando's waist, who takes the opportunity to continue rutting against him. He knows, okay, Lando knows it's a possibility even as he tells everyone he's taking it one race at a time. There's a chance. But it's also Max. And Max is the driver he rates the most, why it feels so, so rewarding to beat him. 70 points is not nothing, in 9 races, anything can happen. A single safety car can change the entire standings.

Lando grinds against Max's thigh, bare skin against harsh sensations of cotton making him feel all sorts of frayed. This entire year, he wanted to be taken seriously as a title contender and now everybody's treating like it's a done deal, causing major whiplash.

"Why not? It's true." Max says matter-of-factly, appearing unruffled even as his pupils are completely dark drowning out that ocean blue as he watches Lando's breathing get faster and his hands on Lando are practically pulling his hips forward in rhythm.

"You've got the same chance as me, mate." Lando's heart rate is speeding up. He paws at Max's dick, which is now fully erect, and jerks it off in harsh strokes. It's a nice dick, average sized on the girther end, not terrifyingly large like in porn. Very friend shaped. "It's still anybody's game."

By anybody he means just the two of them. But then again, Max knows that too.

"I can only outdrive the car. You have the fastest car. 9 perfect races. Vettel's done it before," The 'I've done it' goes unsaid but heard regardless. "It's in your hands now."

The only trophy in Lando's hands right now is attached to Max. Fuck you, Lando thinks. When he was first starting to jerk off as a hormonal teenager, he was scared he was doing it so much he would rip it straight off. He imagines ripping it off Max, blood spurting everywhere, misses the race, the championship is secured. He doesn't actually want to do that. He imagines getting on his knees, and taking Max's length in its entirety in his mouth - the way he can never quite manage in real life - look up at him, recently as heavenly light shines on him. The pressure is building in the pit of Lando's stomach, he's thinking every thought that crosses his head to find the one that pushes him over the edge into sweet release.

"When you're in the fastest car, everything below first in underperforming." Max is rolling his own hips now too, voice more breathy.

"You think I don't fucking know that?" Lando snaps, emotional regulation out of bounds, as if he isn't very well aware of the mountain to climb, the ones Max has scaled and back. They're all fucking competitors. Second place is first loser.

Max pulls Lando close, their dicks finally, finally making contact through two thin layers of cotton. Still, he can feel the weight, the shape of it under him and it feels obscene. Like pretend sex, instead of the real thing. The touch feels electrifying, even as it's not enough. They're in a kind of fucked up embrace, hips moving in tandem. Max pats Lando's back reassuringly, going down to his spine.

"Come on. We can be World Champion, Lando." His words are mocking, but they do it for Lando who buries his groan into Max's neck, feeling his orgasm being pulled out from him.

Max doesn't let him relish in the afterglow, wastes no time in taking Lando's hand and pulling it down his pants and jerks himself off. He bites Lando's shoulder as he finishes, making Lando twitch, spilling over both of their hands.

Finally, Lando flops over him on the sofa, both of them sharing wet patches on the front of their underwear. When the high from the orgasm subsides, the shame of rubbing one out against his main rival's leg and wanting his approval creeps in.

9 perfect races swims in his head.

He knows Max will do everything in his power to win, it just doesn't occur to him he's one of those things too.

[thewickedkat]

long post incoming; meta enthusiasts may wish to digest this in chunks.

i am so completely exasperated with Laudna as of the latest episode. however, i temper that exasperation with my enjoyment as a viewer; indeed, i am feasting on the conflict, thinking finally, some good fucking food, because i think (and have always thought) that Laudna is terrifically interesting as a character and she presents wonderful opportunities for growth not only on her end, but as a catalyst for others.

that being said. the sword. how she handled it. how she handled her own trauma bubbling up, how she handled (or didn't) Delilah, how she handled Orym and Chetney and Dorian and the whole miserable mess she made.

it was selfish. there. i said it. you may disagree with me, i care not, but her course of action was terribly selfish and destructive.

i know many people out there have been likening her behaviour to that of an addict's (and there are many common factors there: the hiding, the lying by omission, the shame, the acquiescence to bad behaviour), but i think in some ways that to do so is reductive, and also removes agency from Laudna herself.

she is allowing her trauma to almost make her decisions for her, allowing it to define her, and she is not giving herself the opportunity to realise that growth beyond it is possible--or, perhaps, she does realise this and is simply too afraid to reach out and grasp it. i think even if Delilah weren't trying to subsume her, Laudna would still be self-sabotaging and self-destructive and still try to hide the parts of her she felt were undesirable; Delilah in many ways simply makes it easier for Laudna to do so and, if pressed, provides a rationalisation for Laudna's choices and actions (as in 'it wasn't me, it was her, she made me do it).

first and foremost, Laudna was a victim of heinous trauma, being murdered and then being put on grotesque display. then she was further traumatised in coming back from the dead and being forced to isolate herself from people for many years, with only Delilah's honeysweet venom dripping into her ear for that time. then she is murdered again as an object lesson for the woman she loves, then stuffed down so deep into her own psyche by the one who first killed her; she is fought for and brought back by her friends...who then seem to do little to check in with her, to make sure she is stable, or coping, because they each have their own baggage and oh by the way, the world is possibly ending. to be fair, there is little time for therapy and stability when you are literally running from crisis to crisis and trying to stop something you haven't even conceived of in your nightmares.

she feels dismissed, often, minimised, and she never developed healthy people skills or coping mechanisms (i am sorry but as much as i love Pâté, a dead rat does not a support group make). so she lashes out, has poor emotional regulation, and Does Crappy Things. so i also understand when she said 'what else have i to give, but myself?'

all that being said. what she did with Orym and the sword was fucking selfish. she is behaving like a child, as if she is the only one whose tragedies matter; she's playing Oppression Olympics, and can i just point out that Orym was the one to say 'i'm sorry' but Laudna never apologised for accosting him while he slept and hurting him? saying 'i didn't mean to hurt you' is not the same, because that implies that if she had not hurt him, stealing from him was perfectly acceptable and reasonable.

i don't believe her when she said 'i accept responsibility' because that means one must accept the consequences of their own actions, and right after she said that, she argued with everyone, told the oldest member of the Hells that he had no right to talk about loss to her, and then fled. that isn't accepting responsibility; that is mouthing platitudes in the hopes you will sway others to your point of view and when it fails, leaving in a huff like a child having a tantrum.

she didn't even bother to ask Orym why he kept the sword. she just tried to take.

Laudna often reacts from a place of fear: of pain, of more trauma, fear of inadequacy, of loss. all of these fears are valid. they are understandable, given all that has happened to her. but just because her fears are valid does not give her the right to make others pay for her emotional baggage. this is what makes her behaviour in ep 95 selfish. all of her actions in the back half of that episode are things she chose to do, and now she must sit in the mess she made. Laudna seems to be falling into the same mental rut that many victims fall into when their trauma isn't dealt with in a healthy fashion: they start fucking others over, as if being a victim excuses it. it does not.

and before others come for me, i say that as one who used to do the same fucking thing but i was lucky enough to have therapy. Laudna doesn't have that luxury--none of the Hells do. there simply isn't time to make space for any of their issues, not just Laudna's. Imogen is still wrestling with her mother; Fearne is wrestling with her parentage; Orym is just trying to keep his feet under him and do what he feels is right without betraying anyone he cares for (yes, including Laudna, shut up); Ashton is still trying to process the loss of Fresh Cut Grass (for gods' sakes, the crafting night was a fucking wake for the lil guy); Dorian just lost his brother and watched his friend succumb to a Betrayer God that turned her into a monster; and Chetney? Chetney is an old man who, i personally think, can pick his battles and knows how to compartmentalise better than any of these kids.

Laudna is not unique in that she has suffered horribly. no one is saying she hasn't, but her behaviour implies that she believes they are saying that. her actions imply she believes not only that she does not trust her friends (thanks, Dorian), but that acknowledging others' losses somehow negates hers. there just isn't time to healthily process any of this, which sucks. it does. i do think her friends love her, care for her deeply, and i think part of the reason they haven't checked up on her as much as they could is because a) they're afraid that her problem with Delilah is much worse than they thought (duh, it is); b) they can't fix the Delilah Problem right now even if they were qualified to do so (even Pike couldn't scour that bitch out of Laudna, she said as much); and c) they run the very substantial risk of wholly alienating Laudna if they press the issue too hard, thus not only losing an asset in the fight against the Vanguard and Ludinus, but also a friend and lover.

it's shit, all around, we all know that. but to pretend that it's okay she did what she did to Orym--or worse, somehow transfer responsibility from her onto him and make it his fault--is infantilising and disingenuous at best, and more than a little insulting.

[cringefailvox]

where would alastor fit into the staticbelle au, :0 ?

staticbelle au

OKAY IT REALLY DEPENDS BC!! we still don't know exactly why alastor is at the hotel! it could be because he's there on orders from someone else, or he's there to entertain himself, or to manipulate charlie for reasons unknown, or something else entirely—and the reason will really impact whether or not he'd choose to try and get involved with charlie if she was already supported by vox. a lot of his sway over the hotel comes from the fact that it was crumbling into disrepair when he arrived and he fairy godmother'd it into a somewhat functional project, therefore winning him a ton of emotional brownie points with charlie, but he wouldn't have that opportunity at all here because i really don't think there's anything he could offer charlie that vox isn't already providing (or wouldn't be willing to START providing if it meant spiting alastor).

however. presuming instead that alastor is not at the hotel to protect or look after charlie, or help her project succeed (since these would already be satisfied by vox), it'd be fascinating if instead alastor comes back after seven years and immediately antagonizes vox into losing his shit and making charlie go "ooookay! i'm gonna have to put my therapy techniques in action because vox is clearly not over his situationship." and that's how her and alastor meet. i think she knows about the alastor thing but hadn't really seen what the problem was before he came back; everyone in hell has enemies after all, and a little healthy rivalry never hurt anyone, but seeing it in action is totally different. after the third time vox plunges the city into darkness because alastor called him an insecure freak on air she's like umm. we might need to talk about this.

she's super worried about vox because she's never seen him this upset about anything before. vox is relapsing hard into his paranoid-obsessive shit that he'd worked on really hard in the seven years alastor has been away, and now it's all rushing back and threatening to ruin everything he's built—but also, his sorta girlfriend princess independent contractor person (???) is now insisting he try to "make amends" and "practice healthy emotional regulation" and "please stop brooding over your pit of sharks with a bottle of tequila i'm really nervous about you falling in and electrocuting yourself even though i know you're waterproof, come watch a movie with me instead?" and he can't decide whether he resents it or appreciates it (both. it's both).

maybe having charlie around to redirect him and encourage healthier outlets for his anger, unlike how val and vel normally handle his radio demon bullshit, DOES actually get him to calm down a little bit. maybe even enough to reluctantly agree to supervised counseling sessions with alastor, because fucking dammit charlie has gone behind his back to talk to al about repairing their broken friendship and he was so excited, vox, you should've seen him, he practically insisted on having me arrange a meeting, i think he really regrets how things ended between you two and wants to do better, please just give it a chance?? cue the worst couple's counseling session in the universe with vox stiff as a board and shaking with repressed rage in his seat while alastor sips tea demurely across from him and asks oh-so-politely how him and charlie met, and isn't this such a charming little affair, and ooh, redemption? how interesting! charlie is eating this the fuck up, overjoyed at the thought of meeting TWO overlords interested in her plan while vox can't do anything about it but seethe and fantasize about shooting alastor in the face when charlie's back is turned.

this actually sort of turns into vox feeling protective over charlie completely without meaning to, because he knows alastor isn't being genuine, he knows he has ill intentions, and vox has invested too much time and energy and honest commitment into both charlie and her dreams to let fucking alastor destroy it all by taking advantage of her desperate need for validation. only vox gets to capitalize on her daddy issues, dammit. but there's real affection there too, reluctant and uncomfortable as he is with its existence, and it's making it extremely difficult for him to handle alastor's Everything without betraying the fact that he's become emotionally compromised and isn't just looking out for his business interests.

charlie, meanwhile, thinks she's going to get to kill two birds with one stone here: she can help vox get over / assuage a broken relationship that's clearly causing him a lot of distress, and she can rope another influential overlord into endorsing her project, which prods the door open that much further for her to enact real change in hell. but alastor isn't the same kind of monster as vox, and she might be a little in over her head this time—because she just can't stop herself from having faith in people's better natures, even when every indication is pointing the other way. it's a kind of earnest and willful naivete that's like blood in the water to people like alastor and vox. at least she knows—she hopes—vox would hesitate now. she can't really say the same for al. either way, she's going to keep trying, and it's really a race between charlie's ability to infect people with soft mushy friendship emotions by double-bluffing their manipulative plots and alastor's ability to pry people open like clamshells and inflict horrifyingly intimate betrayals on them.

(hint: charlie always wins the long-game. there's only so many times you can sarcastically banter about your feelings over scones with your archrival and your girlfriend supervising before you start actually making breakthroughs and unwillingly understanding each other. charlie has weaponized "ironically committing to the bit too hard" in her favor and it works everyyy time)

[kitkatt0430]

1, 11, 14, 20, and 25 (coldflash please!!!) ❤️

1.) Who would end a heated argument by defending their actions with ‘because I love you!’ ?

Barry. Absolutely Barry.

Len struggles enough with the words 'i love you' that he does not bring them out in an argument. But Barry would absolutely play this card in the heat of the moment only to regret it later. Not because it isn't true because he does love Len but he does get how manipulative it comes off and he doesn't want to be that.

Honestly, I think Len would absolutely call him out on it and have to get away from Barry for a bit until they've both cooled off. (Pun mostly intended.)

Barry has to learn how to reason out his arguments better than that and defending his actions with a 'because I love you' stops being a thing fairly quickly.

11.) Do either try to hide their emotions if upset? Can the other still tell?

They are both terrible about doing this. They are both very much of the bottle things up and pretend they aren't there school of emotional regulation.

Len of course struggles because of the shitty, abusive asshole in his life that was Lewis. Len does get better over time with opening up to Barry, but it is a struggle and he wishes it wasn't but he's so damn glad Barry is patient about it. It does take time for Barry to recognize the signs that Len's bottling something up but he does get fairly good at it. Though Len remains the better of the two at hiding the signs that something has upset him.

Barry has issues of his own because of how things were with Joe not believing him/not believing in him as a kid (and as an adult). Like... I really hate the scene where Joe jokes about Barry being like another daughter to him because here Barry is trying to be honest about his feelings with Joe and Joe... takes the opportunity to be misogynistic about it. Not cool, Joe. Not cool.

So Barry struggles to let himself be vulnerable with others because it backfires on him a lot and he bottles a lot up as a result. He's a lot less successful than Len is about hiding this kind of thing from the get go because he gets sulky about stuff when he's upset, so Len figures out a lot faster when Barry's upset even though Barry thinks that he's definitely not wearing his bruised heart on his sleeve this time, surely.

14.) How do their personalities compliment each other? How do they clash?

They compliment each other's planning skills. They both have expertise in different areas and are good at identifying one another's blind spots. Len is good at boosting Barry's self confidence where others might make him doubt himself. And Barry reminds Len that building a plan that includes room for compassion isn't a weakness. It's one of Len's strengths. But Barry also reminds Len to have confidence when he worries being a thief is all he's good for and Len reminds Barry that compassion is his strength too.

They clash a lot over planning too though. They're both leaders, they're both used to being in charge. And it can get messy if they both want to micromanage things at the same time.

20.) Choose one song that perfectly describes their relationship.

You have no idea how tempting it is to go dig up that Glee rendition of Smooth Criminal. I may not have watched that show, but I have seen that clip a number of times.

Life on Earth by Snow Patrol feels like it really suits them

This is not the love you've had before This is something else, this is something else This is not the same as other days This is something else, this is something else It shouldn't need to be so fucking hard This is life on earth, it's just life on earth It doesn't need to be the end of you, or me This is life on earth, it's just life on earth

25.) What are their vices?

I feel like Cisco would quite loudly declare their greatest vice is lust. Scowling at them as he did. They know what they did. They know.

But I think maybe it's really that they can be a bit jealous and covetous of one another. Barry wants to be Len's first choice after being 'not a choice' to iris for so long. He wants Len's attention, he wants Len seeing him and not just the trappings of the Flash that he comes with. And Len struggles to understand why Barry would pick him after being in love with Iris for so long and fears that he'll never truly be to Barry what Barry had wished for Iris to be.

As they get more confident in their relationship, this settles a lot but insecurities are not easily defeated permanently and will pop up from time to time but with longer and longer intervals between.

[actual-changeling]

Do you think Aziraphale has been verbally, emotionally and psychologically abused by Heaven as well?

I will answer this question like one asked in good faith even though my gut is telling me there's a 50/50 chance it is very much not one.

So!

There are two parts to his answer, or rather one question is actually two.

Firstly, we have to talk about whether heaven is abusive, what that abuse looks like, and how it differs from hell.

Secondly, how did the results of question one affect Aziraphale, if it is different from what the other angels in heaven face, and what additional trauma might he have experienced due to being on earth.

I could write a 10k meta post about this and go into the finest detail, but I will just try and stick to the main points for now. It's still going to be way too long because I am so fucking tired of people accusing me of 'hating' Aziraphale or harassing me on my posts or in my inbox.

Is heaven abusive? Yes, and it applies to both heaven as an institution and the Archangels running it.

Getting to know Muriel and what their life looks like was extremely helpful in properly defining this, because they showed us that although the Archangels tend to travel and work as a group, most of the angels are incredibly isolated.

The result is complete emotional neglect, which not only impairs your ability to form and maintain healthy relationships with other people, it also stops your from learning emotional regulation and how to behave and feel as a part of (angelic) society. We see the consequences of that in Muriel, who comes across as overly naive, socially awkward, and out of touch with not just people but themselves.

When your entire life has been shrunk down to what happens inside your own head, suddenly being confronted with having to live outside of your mind is jarring, overwhelming, and foreign.

How do you talk to people when no one ever taught you how to do that? How do you behave around someone after a lifetime of being alone? How do your regulate your responses to their behaviour?

Who are you when there is someone else to perceive you?

Figuring that out is complicated and it takes time, and while most of the angels are only distantly aware of how humans live and what kind of interactions some of the other angels might have, the effects of that neglect stay the same whether they are aware of it or not.

Muriel shows us that angels are not born/made as a blank slate, and neither are humans for that matter. Tabula rasa as a philosophical belief is one thing, but reality is very, very different.

Angels also appear to have the same inherent need for connection, for a caretaker that loves them unconditionally, for someone to help them figure out how to be, and that provides a safe space to make mistakes. Without some or all of that, you grow up into a disregulated, socially awkward if not inept person who does not know how to have relationships or how to properly exist.

It is one of the reasons why autistic people are a) almost always traumatized to some degree and b) do not know how to socialize. No one ever works with our brains, and the resulting neglect is very similar to not receiving any help at all.

If you are now curious what happens if you're both autistic and were completely socially neglected, the result is uh. me. Hi! Not nice, but at least I am very sure I win the award for being my therapist's most fucked up client, so that's something.

Yet the angels are not solely emotionally neglected, the system/household they live in demands a low self-esteem, a lack of individual identity, and complete adherence to a defined ideology and behavioural pattern. In short, you are told how to be a useless, tiny part in a bigger machine, that your only purpose is to succeed at your tasks, and any opportunity for individual development is removed or destroyed.

If you are now once again curious what that might be like, uh, yeah, hi once more. Obviously my childhood was not exactly like an angels life, but the core characteristics were the same, just realized differently. Again, not pretty, really, really fucks you over.

Take that and the neglect, combine it into one person, and then drop them in the Garden of Eden—hello Aziraphale! Crowley got dropped into hell first, experienced more abuse, and then dug his way up into Eden before joining him.

Aziraphale experienced everything Muriel (and Crowley, and every other celestial being) also experienced, with one main difference: He is the one who got away.

We have to remember that out of every single celestial being, Aziraphale got the best deal. He did not fall, he got out of heaven (more or less) permanently, and was then largely left alone.

Does that erase anything I laid out above? No, of course not!

It simply provided him with the opportunity to heal, to take his cPTSD and who knows what other disorders he developed as a result, and start recovering.

Canonically, heaven did not bother him, like, ever, except for the odd note about 'frivolous miracles' or ten minutes of catching up every millennia. They only started monitoring him once they started to suspect he was involved with Crowley and trying to stop the apocalypse from happening.

Aziraphale worked on some things, he got better in many regards, especially with Crowley there to support him, but after six thousand years, many aspects have stayed the same or regressed back to the start over and over.

I will tell you a hard pill to swallow now: If you refuse to acknowledge your issues to instead live in a world of nicer denial and compartmentalization even when you have been offered the chance to change it, that is partly on YOU.

Is it fair? Fuck no! It's not fair at all, and I have had so many breakdowns over that fact. I did not break it, this is not my FAULT so why should I have to fix it all on my own? Why do I have to do the work, not them? How come they get away with it while I am going to have to carry this for the rest of my life?

I still have to do it though. I have to do the work, no matter how uncomfortable and exhausting, because I want to get better.

-

This conversation has so many facets and is a lot more complex, but this is already long enough, so if you have any questions or want to know something specific (while asking politely and in good faith) just send me an ask; I will do my best to answer it.

-

We are now only missing the last part of question 2, and that one is also so fucking complicated reducing it to the main points almost feels wrong, but I will do it anyway. Again, just ask if you have questions.

Abusive households are horrible, and you want to get out and away, but they are also the only thing you know. The world is scary, too big, too open, where did all the rules go that were previously defining your life?

Surviving in an abusive environment means you establish routine after routine after routine for every possible horrible scenario, you write a mental rule book to try and reduce the abuse (don't make them angry, don't cry when they're already shouting, don't do this, don't do that, do x but not y), and THAT is your socialization. THAT is everything you know, everything you are, everything you know relationships to be like.

Once you are away from that, you are completely and utterly lost. Even breathing feels like making a mistake, you feel watched, judged, rated, berated, you have them stuck in your fucking head. So you keep sticking to what you know, your behavioural patterns that have kept you safe your entire life.

The problem is that they kept you safe, past tense. In a healthy environment, all of those coping mechanisms are now maladaptive and harm you instead of keeping you safe.

However, breaking out of them and starting from scratch is terrifying. So, so, so terrifying. I live in constant fear, I feel judged and unsafe in my own flat with the curtains shut and the lights on. I feel like I am about to get subjected to another one of his fits for daring to use the stove.

No matter what you do, your body and brain are SCREAMING at you that diverging from what you know will kill you—and then you have to do it anyway.

Do it alone and afraid and awkwardly but DO IT. Otherwise you will always find a way to recreate the environment you grew up in, whether that is people getting into unhealthy relationships and replicating the patterns they know (which Aziraphale does with Crowley, e.g. the push-pull of his affection) or eventually even returning to it because they ruined you, but a part of you is so, so attached to them you just have to try and change them.

Some people can move on from it without going back, but sometimes you need to try and experience that failure for yourself before being able to move on, and that's where Aziraphale is at.

He needs to try and fail to be capable of finally committing to recovering.

So, to summarize this entire shitshow: Yes, Aziraphale experienced emotional neglect and abuse, and while it is different to what Crowley went through and objectively less intense and physical, it is still just as valid and horrid.

Just because a car accident is objectively worse than falling off a bike doesn't mean the biker's pain is unimportant. Both can kill you, both can hurt you, and both deserve to get their injuries treated.

Questions?

[chussyracing]

My fave quotes and notes from Total Competition by Ross Brawn and Adam Parr (under the cut)

PSA: I read the Czech version so some quotes may vary depending on my translation. I use Tumblr like a big library for when I need to find something, which is why you are seeing this.

the top teams are made by more than 1000 workers (as opposed to the smaller ones)

if you look at the development during the season, cars can be 1-2 seconds faster at the end of the season in comparison to the start

nobody ever won a championship with a bad car :))

if an F1 driver lifts a foot of the throttle, it equals Porsche 911 driver stepping on the brake full force

strategy is not only the plan for one GP and it has three subparts - political, economical and technical

F1 has always been a technical competition, you have the same set of technical regulations and then each team can build a different car

Ecclestone originally wanted teams to be able to buy full cars as customers (not just PU, chassis etc.), but that could be the end of individual teams like Williams

if they had bad results in a team, they tried to compensate by being a team that companies would like to invest in (hiring women to the leading board, being the pioneers in hybrid technology...)

putting all power into hands of the only leader is never good for any sport, it is worst in F1 knowing Ecclestone's history

when Michael became the WDC for Ferrari in 2000, he was the first Ferrari driver to do so in 21 years

luck is preparedness that is waiting for opportunity

as a team principal, you are supporting the faster driver, no matter which one it is, but you cannot digust the second driver or he will stop being constructive, cause problems in the team and have secrets

Michael was extremely well paid, just because he did his job best out of everyone, but he would be doing it for a fraction of that

if you competed against Michael, you knew you have no space, if you left a centimeter of space for him, he would take ten of them

when you are walking around Ferrari, you have to ask yourself why they are not winning everything, they have unlimited testing and two testing tracks, nice new aerodynamical tunnel and a great factory, amazing workers - some of which were third generation working for Ferrari

the most frustrating thing was almost winning the championship in 1997, 1998 and even 1999, because the championship was always decided in the last few races

if you got into the emotional phase during work, you failed

the first priority when coming to the team was make sure that people get back their confidence and aren't afraid of getting fired immediately if they make a mistake

in years 2000-2004 when they won both championships, they were the first team in history to do so 5 times consecutively, but despite that they had a lot of problems, but they had a great approach to them and their solving

one thing he was totally unprepared for in Ferrari was the attention from media, in Italy there are three religions and two of them are football and F1

everyday he found a batch of newspaper cutouts on his paper, but he found it crazy to put the pressure on the workers like this too, so he stopped that

after they got James Allison in the team, they convinced Adrian Newey to come too, but that lead to James losing trust in the team, later they realized that stability is the most important thing in this department

the best strategists in F1 win before they get to the grid

winning means you are better in technical department, but it also gives you political influence and economical influence

it's great when an underdog wins but this is not how championships are won in F1

Frank Williams said that the differences between Michael and other drivers are: intelligence and technical understatement, physical condition and of course just the fact that he loves driving

in F1 there are many cases where teams have a big budget and fail, but you cannot success without a big budget

you know some technical rules are extremely hard to measure or there is no way to measure them at all and if you talk to FIA delegates before, you know that you have some base if you need to go to court later

F1 is probably the only sport in the world where changing the rules changes up the order of the competitors

the previous Concorde Agreement [active during writing of the book] said that not al teams can work on making the rules

when you come to a new team, you need a year to get to know everyone and everything, a year to fix the mistakes and then start winning in the third year

good cars aren't the finished product of winter development before the season but a few years of development at least

in a team you need workers to trust you even if you disagree with each other

Bernie Ecclestone loves making problems and then solving them

but Bernie is also clever, he knows if he wants a deal with all the teams, he just needs Ferrari to sign it and everyone else will follow

when they were supplying PUs to other teams in Ferrari, they gave them PUs from previous season, never the uptodate ones

FIA isn't active, it is reactive - they do not think ahead, just react to what happens

we hired someone from Benetton, when i found out he brought a lot of info from the team we had to fire him, because you can suppose he will do it again with your team

Red Bull has always been a team that didn't think too far ahead

if there were new rules coming in a few years, he assigned a few people that only worked on that future project and nobody could bother them with anything else

Bernie's forced changes to quali are funny, because it is just a try to change up the order of the teams but top teams will adjust better and quicker and the ones at the bottom will still suffer

i always had meetings about someone's pay personally, if you delegated it to someone else it would be impersonal

he always let the people on the team come on the podium after a win, because he knew it's the best thank you for a well made job and only went there himself once in Monaco 2013 when he already knew he would be leaving

Michael was the same, after a win he enjoyed the most to celebrate it with everybody

it has no meaning to get maximum downforce when you don't know how to use it afterwards

they only implemented an improvement if the costs were proportional to the time advantage on track

their main strategist was James Vowles and they prefered only one to choose what is the best for both drivers

he let both drivers know which strategy/run plan the other will get just so there are no conflicts between them

there was a running joke that Flavio Briatore just doesn't greet anyone

Ross prefered to let people who deserve it go up on the podium to represent the team after a win, Flavio went himself

Jean was mathematical genius, he didn't need a calculator

F1 is not like evolution, if you take a wrong direction, it will take you very late to get back

the rate ratio between performance and cost in F1 is still too high

the marketing of Ferrari is Formula 1, they don't need anything else, they just need to be winning and they can make a fortune

human or machine what is more important? both, that's why mid drivers become world champions

technical companies love F1 because they come up with innovations and if they lend it to F1, they will have feedback in 5 months, if they gave it to aviation they would be waiting for years

the only place where you can allow a conflict is on the race track and even there it has to be between you and other teams only

[pandawithawand]

You mentioned Dogma and clone headcanons, please tell me everything

Well if you insist >:))))

Dogma:

Autism.

The kinda guy to eat a tomato like an apple.

Terrible alcohol tolerance.

Asexual, but is utterly convinced that "No, everyone feels like this, you guys are just exaggerating."

Likes lizards and reptiles.

Likes spiders.

Dislikes deep water.

Non-fiction and documentary enjoyer.

Very good at card games like Sabaac but never joins in because the others always bet with something and "Betting is against regulations."

Borrowed the red paint for the triangle on his helmet from Fives.

Closest with Tup and Hardcase. Tup is his twin (more on that below) and batchmate, Hardcase started up a conversation with him one day and then just kind of never left.

Cannot lie. At all.

Umbara was his second campaign. He'd been on multiple smaller missions and in a few battles, but it was only his second proper longtime campaign.

Got is tattoo immediately after leaving Kamino. Got it done by one of the vod tattooers in the 501st, at the same time as Tup.

Not good at art. Tup designed his tattoo for him.

Tup:

The biggest sweet tooth.

Also really likes spicy food.

Suffers from chronic headaches thanks to his faulty chip.

Uses seventeen different haircare products and has a forty minute routine. Dogma has been forced to memorise every step "just in case."

His automatic response to feeling intense emotions is crying. It's involuntary and was a source of bullying when he was a cadet. His tattoo and pauldrons are a sort of 'fuck you' to those who teased him about it.

That being said, will cry when drunk.

Dislikes fish.

Terrified of spiders.

Every member of Torrent has at least one hairband on them at all times, because Tup will just turn around, pass them one going "Could you hold this for me", and then forget to take it back.

Him and Fives bonded super hard over the loss of their twins post-Umbara.

Ends up with lots of small tattoos all over his body.

Him and Dogma lost the rest of their batch during their first battle.

Punk.

Hardcase:

ADHD.

Dare him to do something and he will do it.

His Z-6 canon is called "Betsy".

Dislikes spiders.

Not Jesse and Kix's batchmate, but from the same generation of clones and is very close with them.

Snores.

A list of things he has put in his mouth: Dirty sock, medical scalpel, Betsy, shard of glass, holopad, raw onion (he saw Dogma eating a tomato and refused to be outdone), Jesse, hairband, three different lightsabres, seashell, R2D2, snow globe, etc.

Can roll his tongue.

Can only raise one eyebrow.

Went bald as a bet. Committed for the bit.

Hates needles. Cried throughout getting his tattoos.

Modifies weapons in his free time. They almost always explode.

Terrible poker face, but decent (as clones go) at lying.

Kix:

Solitaire enjoyer.

Him and Jesse are batchmates.

Despite being younger than Coric, was made the CMO of The 501st halfway through the war.

Liver of steel, but tends not to drink.

Best liar in the 501st, hands down.

"No, no, no, I am mad and disappointed."

Very good at mental maths.

Doesn't mind spiders.

Has to shave his head/redo his hairstyle every few days, otherwise it grows out and you can no longer see the pattern. He stopped shaving it after Tup died, because they would always do their routines together, and it was just too painful to do it alone.

Survivors guilt™

His name is inspired by his CT number (Ct-6116)

Claustrophobic. Got significantly worse after being carbon frozen.

Was bit by Ahsoka when she was hurt and high on painkillers, and still has the scar. She feels terrible about it and he brings it up at every possible opportunity in order to win fights/get her to agree with him.

Romcom enjoyer.

Jesse:

Doesn't like most fruit because of the texture.

Hates spiders.

Gets vertigo.

Was promoted to ARC after Umbara for blowing up the supply ship.

Mostly a very chill guy, but occasionally very petty.

If he had survived order 66, but wasn't rescued by Rex and Ahsoka, Vader would have found him and turned him into his right-hand.

He cannot hear you. His catch phrase is "Huh?" and "What?"

Woke up one morning after a night at 79's with the tattoo. No memory of how he got it. No one will tell him what happened.

Sneezes like a kitten. It is adorable.

Brilliant at tongue twisters.

The kind of guy to fall asleep watching a film and then snore loudly.

Bisexual. He does not and will not ever realise this.

Fives:

His tattoo is a stick-and-poke that Cutup gave to him on Rishi. He got ink poisoning and had to stay in bed for a week. This didn't stop Cutup doing Hevy's tattoos.

Thinks the goatee makes him look "Rugged."

Is really, really clever, like insanely smart, he is just also incredibly stupid.

Insanely accurate gut feelings about people.

Hates pickled food. Except for actual pickles.

Not the biggest flirt in Torrent, but the most successful.

Knows Coruscant really well.

Likes prawns.

Dislikes spiders.

Indigestion sufferer.

Has memorial tattoos for all of the Domino squad and one for 99 as well. A rotary canon on his thigh (Hevy), A rishi eel on his back (Cutup), A target on his bicep (Droidbait), A hand print on his chest (Echo), and a 99 on his wrist (99).

Echo:

Had similar tattoos to Fives, but they are now distorted and chopped up from his time on Skako Minor.

Likes bread.

Scared of spiders.

Such a picky eater. It is impossible to cook for this man.

Asexual.

Has not slept a single night without having a nightmare, not even as a cadet.

Can burn through an 800 page book within a matter of days. He is a massive bookworm and reads mostly fiction.

His scomp is wired up through his arm to his brain and grafted into the bone, that's why he doesn't end up with a prosthetic hand, because he physically cannot take the scomp off.

PreSkako minor: Could not stand the heat

PostSkako minor: Could not stand the cold

The best shot in Torrent.

Rex:

Natural blond. The Kaminoans were pretty chill about this, because he was still a functioning product, the trainers were less so. They thought it was freaky that this one clone wasn't like the others. More mutations started popping up and they chilled out a bit, but still weren't nice to the mutant clones.

He was the clone who ran to Padme after she fell out of the gunship on Geonosis, and that's how he ended up working for Anakin.

Needs a nap.

Will not take a nap.

Hates strong smelling food.

Not scared of spiders, but dislikes them.

Built his phase 2 armour in one night, pulling an all-nighter, and then crashed out the next day.

Was adopted by Cody and the command batch on Kamino.

Rex is the Naboo word for "King".

Every shiny loves him.

When Anakin told him about the marriage with Padme, he was genuinely surprised.

Brilliant poker face, terrible liar.

Lowkey scared of the dark but will never admit it.

General clone and cloning process headcanons ft. my very basic level of GCSE biology:

Twins are common(ish) amongst the clones because of the accelerated ageing. The accelerated again increases cell division (and other cellular functions including respiration and metabolism), which burns through their telomeres quicker, meaning their bodies are gonna run out of DNA quicker and then they'll die, blah blah blah science stuff. With increased rates of mitosis, there is an increased chance of the embryo splitting very early on and becoming two separate embryos which develop into two separate fetuses and thus two separate clones. The Kaminoans are more or less chill with this because they're essentially getting two clones for the price of one.

All the clones run hot and are basically little walking space heaters.

(This is widely accepted, but i'm going to elaborate on it with my opinion) The clones speak a dialect of their own, mostly consisting of Mando'a, but also involves some Huttese words and phrases from other languages. They picked up stuff from the trainers and mixed it into their own vocabulary. They were never properly taught Mando'a (Unless they had a very parental/kind trainer) so the grammar structure they use is the Basic structure.

"Kyr'tsad" is the Mando'a word for the Deathwatch. It literally means "Death society" but when the clones asked the cuy'val dar what it means, they were just told it meant "Deathwatch". During the war, the vod'e suicide watch becomes known as the Kyr'tsad.

The Bad Batch do not speak Mando'a because they didn't interact with the regs enough to pick it up, then, when they were older, they chose not to speak it in order to further separate themselves. They know some words and phrases but they aren't really a part of their dialect. Crosshair is the one who uses the most Mando'a, but that's only because he likes saying "Haar'chak" ("Damn it")

There are several vod'e in each battalion who will do tattoos and piercing for the low, low price of half your contraband. Or all your credits. Shiny's first tattoo is free.

Mouse droid racing is the equivalent of pit fighting on the Venators. The Jedi pretend not to know, otherwise they'd have to shut it down and then all the clones would be sad.

Appo and Coric are batchmates.

There was minimal sex eductation on Kamino. The clones were horrified to learn where nat-born babies come from.

So many headcanons. I have more.

[lillysilvermoon]

Messages for Eclipse Season

Please read the description below!!

Hi guys! 👋 I know, has been too long, but uni is taken all my energy 🥲 BUT, I had to come here to give yall this message, will be quick (at least that's what they told me lol) but important. I'll say this right away: Aries, libra, Pisces and scorpio probably will feel with more intensity this eclipse and its effects).

Now, this is super unusual but for each pile Selene, Nyx and Hades have a message, I don't know which one will be but it's a message from them related to the eclipse, I've never done this before so I hope yall liked and this reaches everyone who the message is meant for. Shall we?

Pile 1

Messenger: Selene, Goddess of the Moon

Change is on the way and yall need to prepare for this, for what I see here either you are in a hard moment right now (eight or Swords) feeling like you have no choice, helpless or after the eclipse this is how you will feel for some reason (probably the changes that will occurs) but don't worry, you can't see the bigger picture but this is for your own good, it will teach you a lesson. After this you can expect to be much more empowered, strong and independent (or this is what this change want you to learn in order to receive what you want, because right there is a lesson you need to learn). After the storm there ir always a rainbow, a new beginning and can be romantic (ace of cups almost always is about romantic beginnings) or just related to a new beginning emotionally.

Also, if you are working on something, congratulations!!! All your efforts will be paying off, probably dome kind of collab will come for you and will be a very successful project. (P.S: this is specific I guess but: no more fights, you will be in peace soon, no fights, no stress, this domestic related I think.)

Signs: books, Aries, Gemini, days 7, 12 and 8, Saturn.

Pile 2

Messenger: Hades, God of the Dead and King of the Underworld

This eclipse will bring you financial changes, I think actually just a confirmation lmao all of you already know how well succeed you will be. Well, this is your confirmation: you >will< be succeed, very succeed. If you made a spell with Him or have petitioned to Him in financial matters, yes, He will help you. You can 100% expect some improvement in your business life, career, good opportunity for investments and all thing related to gain money. But, for some of you, and this is a small portion, you need to take better care of your shadow self, learn more about you shadow is necessary and very important and He want you to give this more attention - He is being very serious... it's actually very important, no jokes - and your emotions in general, please make some effort to know yourself better, know how to regulate your emotions, you needed it.

"You are doing great, stop overstress yourself thinking everyone is mad at you, they aren't! And you think I am you can just ask you know" (Pile 2 can we be friends please???? You&me = twins I'm the same 🤡)

Signs: 66, 99, 5, Jupiter, scorpio, Taurus, Capricorn and Sagittarius, rivers and water places are important (not astrological speaking, real life).

Pile 3

Messenger: Nyx, Goddess of the night

Either you are facing some challenges in work or personal life or just in life in general, but you are being assertive and determined, or this is what the Eclipse Season will bring to you. Just know that you have the energy to endure it and you WILL succeed, be sure of this and never ever doubt yourself again, you will learn to be more independent and stand up for yourself, communicate your boundaries clearly and base your decisions less in your emotions and more in facts. If you have faced all of this the Eclipse you bring you to calmer waters and reach the end of a very difficult period (in this case this is the change the eclipse your bring, honestly? I fell like this pile is very 50/50 with half in the first case and the other half in this one). A lot of you is feeling down and deflated after going through this tough time, she asks yall (from both situations) to stay in tune with your intuition, your inner guidance because doing this yall will be victorious.

Signs: Pisces, taurus, Gemini and Aquarius, 12, 8, 5, 4, Pluto, Saturn, mountains.

[justinspoliticalcorner]

Eric Berger at The Guardian:

Republican state lawmakers and conservative leaders around the United States see Donald Trump’s re-election as a mandate that will help them enact rightwing policies in Republican-run states across the US.

The policies include steep tax cuts, environmental legislation, religion in schools and legislation concerning transgender medical care and education, among other hot-button social issues. Republicans will have trifecta control – meaning both legislative bodies and the governorship in a state – in 23 states next year, while Democrats will only control the three entities in 15 states. The other states have divided government. “Arkansans went very favorably for President Trump, and I think Arkansans feel very similarly about President Trump as they do” Governor Sarah Huckabee Sanders, said Ryan Rose, a Republican state representative in Arkansas, where his party has the trifecta. “That will only empower our state to continue forward with more conservative policies, putting more money back in the pockets of hard-working Arkansans with tax cuts and supporting Arkansas conservative family values.”

While that federal and state control could allow Republicans to advance their top priorities, leaders of progressive groups point to other election outcomes – such as some red states supporting abortion rights – as evidence that even if people voted for Trump, that does not necessarily mean they support what opponents describe as extreme proposals. And they remain optimistic that they will prevail against such measures in court. “We are in a moment right now where the incoming administration” won “by distancing themselves from these very policies that it now seems that they are seeking to accelerate”, said Skye Perryman, president of Democracy Forward, a liberal legal group that includes more than 800 lawyers and has filed legal challenges to Republican regulations and administrative actions. Perryman added: “We are laser-focused on protecting the American people and on ensuring that people in this country have the tools to make their voices heard.” Top priorities among Republican state lawmakers appear to concern curriculum and school choice, meaning allowing parents to use public money to send their children to private schools, which can be religious or more socially conservative than public schools. Twenty-eighty states have at least one school choice program, such as education savings accounts, which provide public per-pupil funds to families with children who don’t attend public schools, according to Education Week. Trump’s platform stated that he wanted “to protect the God-given right of every parent to be the steward of their children’s education” and when nominating Linda McMahon to serve as education secretary, he stated that she would “fight tirelessly to expand ‘Choice’ to every state in America”.

[...] Since Trump’s election, Republicans in states such as Ohio have also introduced legislation labeled as a “Parents’ Bill of Rights” that would mandate that public school officials notify parents of a student’s mental, emotional or physical health, including “any request by a student to identify as a gender that does not align with the student’s biological sex”. Critics of such legislation have described it as “an endangerment to all LGBTQ+ youth”. Earlier this month, there were 129 pending anti-LGBTQ+ state bills, including proposals to prohibit doctors from prescribing to minors puberty-blocking drugs or gender reassignment surgery, according to the ACLU. Tiffany Justice, co-founder of Moms for Liberty, a rightwing advocacy group, said that the Department of Education under Trump would help states “stop gender ideology being taught in our nation’s schools”.

Red states see Trump’s win as an opportunity to push extreme policies, such as “Parental Bill of Rights”, attacks on public schools, and more anti-LGBTQ+/anti-trans/anti-drag policies.

[chaotic-super]

Back To Krypton - Chapter 38

Read Back To Krypton on AO3 here!

“How exactly are you planning on letting me go without letting me go?” Kara asks, already exasperated with her parents’ antics.

Her parents shuffle their feet as they take a tentative step closer to her. Her mother speaks first but her words don't have their usual confident edge to them Kara's always heard. “Maybe you could stay and help as long as possible. You stay and help us build the device to regulate the atmosphere and then you leave. You know when all hell breaks loose, Kara. You know when to leave and we won’t stop you from doing that, but we need you here to help.” She hesitates before continuing. “We just want you with us for as long as we can have you, inah.”

Kara sighs heavily through her nose. Those words strike a chord deep within her. Those words are exactly what she envisioned her parents saying to her on the lonely nights on Earth when she first landed. Even beyond that, she sometimes imagines them saying those things to her, even as recently as a few days ago.

Kara doesn’t want to hear it now though. Now it only serves to push her into an odd state of limbo. She wants to return to her family and get off the planet with the blueprints. She’s not going to be able to process anything she’s been through until she’s in her loft, preferably with Lena, her comfortable mattress and peace.

“That could be really dangerous.” She says instead of outwardly telling her parents that she doesn’t want to spend more time with them – that their very presence is bringing her pain.

“How so? You know we will protect you from the council or anyone else who may wish to use or harm you.” Kara fights the urge to step back as her father moves closer to her still, held back by Alura by their joined hands.

Kara shakes her head. “That’s not it. There are two versions of me in this time, and I can’t meet myself. You can’t work with me on anything and also spend time with the other me. Besides, all the knowledge I have, the answers you want from me, I learned that stuff when I was a little girl. Your daughter, the one from this time, she has your answers too.”

“But you’re our daughter.” Alura’s voice cracks as she says it, her barely concealed emotions making themselves known as she wrestles with herself. “I don’t...we don’t want you to go.”

Kara presses her lips together tightly, sucking them between her teeth and taking a sharp breath before releasing both. “I know and a large part of me wants to stay. To be with you. I can’t do that though. I have to go and protect Earth. That’s my home and I can’t risk losing it to clutch onto one I already lost for the sake of a few extra days or weeks.”

Zor-El’s eyes drop down to his feet, his hair flopping down into his face. “We will not prevent you from leaving. However, we are requesting that you stay at least a few days. Please, give us that, at least.”

Kara doesn’t know how to overcome the overwhelming desire to give in. She can’t overcome it, but she can ensure she plays this right.

“I can do a few days if you bring my friends here or let me go to them. I won’t leave them behind.”

“Kara, your friends are aliens. They won’t be well received here,” Alura argues, her voice gentle.

Kara shakes her head. “They pass for Kryptonians at a glance. As long as they keep their mouths shut, bringing them into the city shouldn’t be an issue. I have spent years trying to capture the beauty of Krypton in my words as I describe it to those who mean the most to me. I would appreciate the opportunity to allow them to see it for themselves.”

That’s all it takes for Alura’s resolve to break, although Zor-El holds out a little longer. “Kara, it’s much too dangerous.”

“We would stay inside and only go out when the streets are congested to mask our movements. We’ll be careful, I promise. Besides, this way, it gives me a chance to see the city again with fresh eyes and you the chance to spend more time with young me when we’re not in the lab.” Kara has her full persuasive face on, her lips puffed up into a cute pout, her eyes shining brightly and her eyebrows pulled together just so, creating the tiniest of crinkles between them.

Once again, Alura and Zor share a silent look in which they engage in an entire conversation without a single word being spoken. It’s impressive really and it makes Kara’s annoyance at not knowing what they’re thinking shrink by a fraction.

Their eyes shift from each other back to Kara and then, Zor’s head tilts in a half-nod, one Kara has missed over the years. It always used to be reserved for when he let her have an extra dessert or when she asked to play with her friends for longer. Now it means so much more but still elicits a feeling of elation within her like no other.

“I believe we can accept that. We would like you to stay for ten more days.”

“I can do three.”

“Seven.”

“Four.”

“Five.”

“Deal.” Kara holds her arm out and waits for her father to outstretch his in return and grasp her forearm but it never comes.

“Six.” He states instead.

Kara lets her hand drop as her eyes roll. “You just said five.”

“You sabotaged a generator in one of the most important buildings on Krypton, maybe the most important one given the state of the planet.” He reminds her. “Six.”

Kara huffs. “Fine, six.”

This time, when she stretches her arm out, it’s clasped by her father’s strong hand, his broad palm stretching around her forearm easily, the warmth something her body remembers even if her mind does not.

“I’m glad we’re in agreement.” He states, his face split into a boyish grin that shows off his youth. Back when Kara was a little girl, she always felt both of her parents were old, as every child does, but seeing them now, she can see how young they really are. Neither has reached their forties and yet their lives will soon be over, the lives they have yet to live wiped from possibility in a moment of upcoming catastrophe.

“So, what now?” Kara asks.

Alura steps forward, batting Zor-El out of the way and pulls Kara into her arms. “I’m so glad you’ve agreed.”

Kara can’t help but sink into the embrace, even after being blindsided and chased across the city by the pair of them.

Zor-El watches the pair closely, a soft warmth filling his chest, but he doesn’t intrude on the moment. Instead, he waits for them to pull back before speaking again. “As much as we trust you, Kara. You have shown that you are willing to do whatever it takes to get the blueprints you desire and I think it’s best we keep hold of those until the six days are over. We will return them to you at the end of the sixth day.”

“No.” Kara shakes her head. “I’m not agreeing to that.”

Both of her parents sigh simultaneously, their patience running dry. “Kara, you’re in a building surrounded by a lot of guards. We can take them by force if we have to. We would rather you hand them over and allow us to spend these next few days together in peace. We want to enjoy our time with you, not spend it at odds. We trust you, but once your friends are involved, people we don’t know, we cannot be sure of anything. This is our failsafe.” Her mother explains. “Please.”

Kara’s fingers twitch against the soft edge of her jacket. Handing over the crystals is the last thing she wants to do, and while they claim to trust her, she trusts them about as far as she can throw them, which under the red sun, Rao, isn’t very far.

She doesn’t exactly have a choice. That much is obvious. “How about you put them in the safe where you keep the family heirlooms? I don’t know the code, but I’ll still know where they are.”

Zor-El’s eyes narrow, trying to decipher if she’s telling the truth about not knowing the code. “I will change the code after they are inside, but I agree to your terms.”

“I really don’t know it. However, if you want to change it, that’s fine by me.” Kara shrugs. She’s telling the truth too; she really doesn’t know the code to the safe. She does know, however, that the safe is transportable. The entire casing of the safe can be pulled out of the wall it’s situated in back at the apartment. All she needs is a key, one she knows her mother keeps locked inside a tiny safe box in her bedside cabinet. If push comes to shove, she can crack the safe box open, get the key and steal the entire safe. It won’t be optimal or graceful, but she can do it.

“Excellent. Now, I think we all need to have a relaxed conversation. Today has been…hectic, for the lack of a better word.” Zor-El says. “I best help the team working on resetting the generator. Perhaps it’s best if your mother takes you back to the accommodation and we come over there tonight, perhaps for dinner.”

Kara shakes her head. “No, come later. Have dinner with your child. She’ll like that.”

Two sets of shoulders droop, a sign that both her parents have realized they have already prioritized something else over their young daughter. “You’re right, Kara. We will have dinner with her and once we’ve put her to bed with a story, we shall head over to you.”

“Good.” Kara hums. “That sounds good.”

Zor-El holds his hand out. “The crystals please.”

With reluctant hands, Kara takes one of the two crystals out of her jacket. They don’t know she’s got two and if everything goes to crap, as it so often does, the idea of having at least something to take home and work with is better than nothing at all.

“Here.”

Her mother reaches out and takes it from her before she can change her mind. She shifts the weight of it in her hands for a few long seconds as she figures out where to put it because she’s got no pockets.

After an awkward moment of silence, Zor-El opens up a pocket in his robe in offering and Alura drops it inside.

“Kara, are you ready to head back to the accommodation?”

“Yes. I believe so.” Pink lips curl up into an excited smile. “I can’t wait to see my family’s faces when I tell them they get to take a look around the city. They’re going to be so happy, especially my niece.”

“Your niece?” Zor-El questions, his eyes widened in shock.

“My sister’s daughter, yes. Her name is Esme. She’s four, nearly five years old, and the cutest little thing you’ve ever seen.” Kara can’t help but beam with pride at the thought of the little girl that is not only the most adorable person on every planet she’s ever visited but also the brightest. Her excitement to learn everything she can about Krypton has been a source of great joy for Kara throughout this mission and she’s not sure she could have gotten through it without that light in her life.

“I look forward to meeting this…Esme, as well as your sister. I assume this is one of your human friends, yes?”

“Her family adopted me when I first got to Earth. Her parents raised me as their own and Alex is my sister, maybe not by blood, but she is undoubtedly my sister.” Kara leaves no room for arguing. “You’ll get to meet Alex tonight. Esme will be in bed by then, but I’m sure you’ll meet her at some point over the next few days anyway.”

Zor-El nods, no smile to give in the face of the fact that he knows next to nothing about his own daughter’s life, even if it is his daughter from the future. “I look forward to it, and I wish to know more about your life on Earth.”

“I cannot share much, Father. I must protect the future. I will tell you what I can in any case. You can be sure of that.” Despite a large part of her telling her it’s a bad idea, her intuition screaming at her not to, she hugs him, wrapping her arms around his middle and setting her head against his shoulder. “I’ll see you later.”

“Until then, inah.”

Alura leads Kara out of the room after that and Kara takes one last look over her shoulder at her father. She gets a good glance at his stormy blue eyes and knows one thing. She can’t trust her parents. It breaks her heart, but she can’t. Her mother hides it better than her father, but now she sees it, she can’t unsee it.

-

Kara waves at the pod as her mother flies off. She keeps her face as neutral as she can as she does so, careful not to show off any of her true feelings until she’s gone.

Only once the pod is little more than the smallest of specks in the distance against the magnificent Kryptonian scenery does she drop the act and let the tension out of her shoulders. Her arms cross over her chest, a layer of protection she feels she needs after the day she’s had.

Her head ducks towards the floor as she takes this moment to recentre herself. A few minutes alone in the cool breeze that’s twisting its way through the open fields is exactly what she needs. Rao’s blessed rays fall upon her, and with the sun’s added weight on her shoulders, some of her worries leave her, lightening her load.

The experience of going to the Temple of Rao and engaging in prayer is something she’s not going to forget in a hurry. She just wishes she had the opportunity to be more present during it. That visit has restored her faith in a way she never thought it could. She never truly stopped believing, but she stopped trusting. Perhaps now she can work to find her trust in Rao again. She’s gotten this far, after all.

“Hey.” A familiar accented lilt calls out.

“Hey,” Kara responds, not turning around. She knows Lena will come to her.

“You changed your clothes.” Lena acknowledges as she slides her palm into Kara’s, their fingers tangling together like it’s second nature. Her head falls to drop onto Kara’s shoulder and her eyes look out onto the view Kara’s still not torn her gaze away from.

Kara leans her head against Lena’s. “It’s a long story.”

“You haven’t had a good day then?”

“Yes and no. Mostly no but there’s progress in the mission, so I suppose it’s not all that bad.” Kara’s voice comes out quiet, barely more than a whisper to get lost in the passing wind.

Lena strains to hear her but doesn’t dare ask her to repeat herself. There’s an air of fragility around her, one she senses the blonde would prefer not to address. “You can tell me about it later. For now, do you want to go for a walk?”

“I would love that.” Kara leans into Lena’s further, fair hair mixing in with dark strands from another universe in a waterfall of entwinement.

“Want to go and get the H’Rakas? I think they’d like to stretch their legs too.”

Kara smiles at that. “That sounds amazing, although I imagine they’d prefer a chance to stretch their wings rather than their legs.”

“Can we do that?”

Kara sighs. “Not really but a walk still sounds incredible.”

“Let’s go get them then.”

Lena leads the way, her hand an anchor for Kara to cling to. She doesn’t press her for information or even ask a single question. Instead, she opts to allow Kara space to process whatever has happened today and leaves room for her to talk about it when she’s ready.

“It’s a wonder we still want to walk after all the walking we’ve done on this mission.” Kara jokes as they approach Bolt and Swoopy, the two H’Rakas seemingly perking up and flapping their wings at them in what Kara refused to believe is anything but excitement. “Hey, guys.”

“We probably want to because of all of the walking we’ve done. After weeks of doing it, it’s a steady constant in our lives and it brings us the feeling of safety.”

“Hmm, I guess so,” Kara answers, her focus no longer on the conversation. It’s now shifted to the excitable dragon-like creatures she definitely counts as her pets at this point. “Hold on. I just want to check something.”

Lena’s eyebrows scrunch in confusion, and she tracks Kara’s movements as she lingers beside a large storage chest in the corner of the stables. Kara wrenches it open with a little difficulty, and Lena has to wonder whether that’s because the hinges are stiff or because Kara is so drained.

“Yes!” Kara cheers to herself when she sees what’s inside. “This is going to be really fun.”

“That scares me, Kara. If you think something is going to be fun, I get the feeling it will be dangerous.”

Kara shrugs. “Only mildly, don’t worry.”

Lena shakes her head, sending her hair flying wildly into the air. “What you say is mildly dangerous is very obviously going to be very dangerous.”

“That’s not true,” Kara says as she pulls out what looks to be some kind of snowboard.

Lena’s hands fall to her hips as she raises a sleek eyebrow. “Is that so?”

“Well, kind of. So, we’re going to attach a couple of these babies to the back of the H’Rakas and let them pull us along.”

“No.”

“Yes,” Kara argues.

Lena takes the board out of Kara’s hands. “You can do that. I’ll ride the H’Raka. That way, we can still talk, deal? Wait, how did you know those would be in there?”

“Deal,” Kara says for the second time that day but this time, she doesn’t have to be worried about the consequences. “And I know because, unlike boring humans, Kryptonians like to have fun.”

“I know that to be decidedly untrue but sure, think what you like.”

With careful precision, Kara hooks up a harness to Swoopy with thick leather straps and connects one foot into the board with another strap, leaving the other free to jam into the other foot strap when she’s moving.

In the meantime, Lena checks on Bolt’s injuries from the leopard attack. It’s truly phenomenal how quickly he’s managed to heal from the ordeal. The vast majority of the cuts on his legs and wings have healed and Lena believes he’s recovered to the point where he can be ridden again. However, she decides to bring him along but ride Swoopy instead so he can fully heal with no added strain, even if she weighs nothing compared to the mighty beast.

They connect the H’Rakas together so Bolt doesn’t…bolt.

They set off, Kara directing them towards a field across the way from the accommodation. “So, what are the others up to?” She asks casually, happy to cling to one of the straps so she’s pulled along against the dirt. It’s not fun quite yet, but once they get to the sand of the next field over, it will be.

“I believe they are all just taking the break for what it is – a break. They’re resting and chilling about doing next to nothing. We figured that we might have a lot to do once you got back if you managed to get the blueprints so we wanted to be ready. All of our stuff is packed up. I take it we need to unpack?” She finally asks the question.

“Yes and no,” Kara says, sounding remarkably like her parents.

Lena waits for her to continue upon seeing the rest of the words balancing on the tip of Kara’s tongue.

It takes her a moment to order them, but Kara spills the beans once she does. “No technology can do exactly what we need it to. There is, however, a couple that if we have both sets of blueprints, we can create something that will do the trick.”

“Ok…”

“I have one set.” Kara reaches into her jacket, barely keeping her balance in the process, especially since they switch over onto the sand field right as her hand jams itself into the inner pocket. “Oh, Rao. That was close.” She holds up the crystal for Lena to see.

Lena holds her hand out and waits for Kara to reach up and hand it over. “I’ll keep hold of this one since you’re likely to fall at any moment and break it.”

“I would n—” Kara slips, falling directly onto her face in the sand. “Ow.”

“And there it is.” Lena openly laughs as Kara peels her face out of the sand, spitting a little out of her mouth.

She slows the H’Rakas down until they come to a complete stop so Kara can catch up again. “I meant to do that.”

That only makes Lena laugh harder. “You meant to eat shit in the sand?”

“Yeah, we grow crops in the sand. I was looking for a snack.” Kara tries to keep her lips held in a tight line but the corners quirk up just enough to give her away.

“Come on, get up here. You can attempt to do whatever it is you were trying to do again after we’ve had the chance to catch up.” Lena offers her a hand and thankfully, Kara doesn’t kick up a fuss.

Once Kara is clinging to Lena’s back, she presses her hand over the crystal that is now in Lena’s pocket. “We have to keep that hidden. My parents don’t know I have it.”

“Your parents? Don’t you mean your mom?” Lena turns to look over her shoulder but gives up when she feels the warm press of Kara’s stress-lined forehead press against the back of her neck.

Kara’s arms tighten around Lena’s waist. “Unfortunately not. My mother decided not to take me to my father’s lab to get the blueprints as she had promised. Instead, she took me back to my family’s apartment in Kandor. My father was waiting there. Between them, they decided they want me to stay on Krypton.”

“What?” Lena asks, a raging inferno in her eyes as she forcibly twists her body around into a position that can’t be good for her body.

Kara nods wearily. “Yeah, I know. I basically had a massive fight with them in the apartment before slipping out when they weren’t looking before running through the streets of Kandor to try and beat them to my father’s lab. They sent guards after me so I slipped into a clothing store and traded my dress for these clothes. I also traded my mother’s necklace away, but the guy was nice and gave it back to me.”

“You really traded it away?”

“I didn’t care so much after she was a raging bitch. I am glad I have it back now though. I probably would have regretted it.”

Lena leans back into Kara’s embrace, thoroughly enjoying the feeling of being held as the H’Rakas march on around the perimeter of the sandy field. “I think you would have too. I’m glad you still have it.”

“Me too. Anyway, my run through Kandor was helped by the fact that everyone was already heading to the Temple of Rao to pray. I ended up having to go there too but that was the best part of my day. I rejoiced in getting to reconnect with that part of myself.”

“I’m glad you got to then. Will you tell me more about it tonight?”

“Of course.” Kara presses a tender kiss to the side of Lena’s neck, lingering there for a long second to drink in the smell that is unequivocally Lena. “I’ll tell you everything in much more detail later. We’ve just got to keep this short because my parents are coming by later and I’m sure everyone inside wants to know what happened today too.”

Lena presses herself into the exploration of Kara’s lips against her neck. “Good point. Would you rather wait to tell me with everyone else?”

“I’ll finish the short version.”

Lena’s hand comes up to tangle in soft blonde waves and her nails scrape gently against her scalp. “Ok, please continue.”

“I left the temple and got to the labs. I managed to get inside. There’s a bunch of space in the building's ceiling because that’s where the wires and generators are stashed away so they can’t be tampered with. I got up there and tampered with them.”

A chuckle rumbles in Lena’s chest. “Of course you did.”

“I used the distraction to get into the lab without my parents seeing me because they had already gotten there before me. I managed to get two crystals while they thought I only had one. I did try to run but the guards got me. I almost got away though; it was a close one.”

“Better luck next time.”

Kara huffs in Lena’s ear. “If there’s a next time, I’m just going to let them catch me and then ask nicely for the crystals. It was a lot of effort.” She readjusts her grip on Lena, her thumbs resting just beneath her breasts and caressing the skin there, edging higher and higher up. Lena just rolls her eyes at her because it’s a very Kara thing for her to obsess over her boobs even after a massively emotionally and physically challenging day.

“So, what happened when they caught you?”

“My parents want me to help them build a bigger version of my artificial atmosphere project, the one I showed you and Alex back at the other accommodation. They think it could be the answer to saving Krypton.”

“Kara—”

“I know. If it works, it’ll change the timeline and a crap ton of things will be screwed up.”

Lena brings the H’Rakas to a stop as they reach the entrance to the field. “So they’re going to try and keep you here?”

Kara’s head shakes from side to side unsteadily, her conflicting emotions on full display, her guard non-existent with Lena. “No, I agreed to help as long as I get the other crystal and I get to leave in six days.”

“Why six days?”

“That was the shortest time period I could get them to agree to.”

Lena’s face scrunches up before she lets out a long, drawn-out, “ok.”

Kara shrugs. “They want to spend time with me too, apparently. They’re coming by after they put young me to bed. None of this matters though. I know how to get the crystal. It won't be easy but if we work together we can get it. I told them I’m going to use some of my time to show you guys around. I’m actually going to set up for a little heist.”

“Why not wait for the six days to be over?”

“Because I looked into my parents' eyes and didn’t recognize them. Neither of them has any intention of following through on the deal. They will never let me go without a fight.”

Lena nods thoughtfully. “You know them best, Kara. We’re all going to be with you no matter what you decide. If you want to call the mission here, take this one crystal home and hope it’s enough, we can do that. This is all up to you.”

“I’m not going home with a maybe. I’m going home with both information crystals and a guarantee that we can save everyone from Lex. I’ve got a plan, and as far as plans go, I’d say this is a damn good one.” A devilish grin spreads across her face. “Now, I want another go of the sandboard before we head inside. I’m not going to fall this time.”

“I very much doubt that.”

Read the next 4 chapters on Patreon here!

Info on a Supergirl collab event for writers and artists here!

[shubertblue]

I think Nai was on to something when he told Vash that his obligation to help humanity was out of guilt. However, that is not all of it. Vash let’s himself be injured and will put himself into harm’s way as a means of making people feel better if he feels that he is at fault (even when he really isn’t). He’s selfless to an unhealthy degree because he has seen so much suffering and death around him. I think he knows deep down that a large motivation for his strive for selflessness is rooted in guilt rather than a genuine desire to help. But it is a genuine desire to help if he has guilt in the first place.

Why does he care? Unlike Nai who kills and destroys without remorse, Vash cares about what happens to people. I do think it is important to include a point Nai brought up. Vash, due to lack of power, feels the need to be accepted by humans as a means of safety. I think this is wrong. It’s not a matter of preserving his safety is he allows himself to be injured so frequently. I think Nai recognizes this towards the end when Vash explicitly tells him that he will not stop until someday he is excepted even though he has the opportunity to use his power over humanity. Vash may have even had his power all along, but never felt the need to use it due to his empathy.

Now that’s the key word, empathy. What I said concerning Vash’s lack of power is not entirely true when considering his ability to communicate and heal fellow plants. This comes from a deep rooted place of empathy that allows him to understand. He is naturally drawn to life and the preservation of it because he grew up being able to feel it around him. As a result, he understands humans are much the same in the sense that they to are living beings with emotions. He’s seen it first hand. So Vash probably sees Nai’s actions as extremely hypocritical, because they are.

Nai, to avoid the harming of plants, wants to destroy humanity. However, Vash recognizes that humans harm themselves and it is not a persecution of plants but rather a struggle to preserve themselves. Not to mention, plants do need their powers regulated on their plane of existence otherwise they’d die. So plants and humans need one another to survive, it’s a symbiotic relationship. What Nai doesn’t understand is that his plan in question would result in the death of all plants that aren’t independents unless he also plans on using them like humans already do.

Therefore, Nai’s plan would result in the death of all humans and plants or at least result in the same pattern that already exists. You could argue that people manage the powers of the plants wrong, but I don’t think that is entirely true because Vash (who can truly understand plants) would have changed the system with humans rather than just heal plants.

Ultimately, I think Vash is what the world needs. After all, he saved them time and time again even when they blame him for the destruction as a result. Such as the decimation of July which resulted in so much death, it was the cost of saving the entire world. However, no one knows the truth and Vash doesn’t ask them to understand. He does it purely to help humans. So much so that he takes the guilt and consequences that applies to his Pyrrhic victories (When you have a hard time considering something is a victory because of the cost it took to get there.) Although Vash has amazing powers, the series proves that he isn’t a god. Much like what Nai disillusioned himself with and which led to his downfall. Vash is just a living and feeling being trying his best and taking the responsibility of his power . Even though his empathy makes him a little more self-destructive due to feeling guilty for being more powerful but not perfect.

Which I’m my opinion, makes him even more “human”.

[me1lark]

i need to talk about this particular conversation between haymitch and katniss set within the mockingjay after peeta's hijacking because it's been stuck in my head ever since i reread it.

“what are you trying to do? provoke him into an attack?” he asks me. “of course not. i just want him to leave me alone,” i say. “well, he can’t. not after what the capitol put him through,” says haymitch. “look, coin may have sent him there hoping he’d kill you, but peeta doesn’t know that. he doesn’t understand what’s happened to him. so you can’t blame him—” “i don’t!” i say. “you do! you’re punishing him over and over for things that are out of his control. now, i’m not saying you shouldn’t have a fully loaded weapon next to you round the clock. but i think it’s time you flipped this little scenario around in your head. if you’d been taken by the capitol, and hijacked, and then tried to kill peeta, is this the way he would be treating you?” demands haymitch. i fall silent. it isn’t. it isn’t how he would be treating me at all. he would be trying to get me back at any cost. not shutting me out, abandoning me, greeting me with hostility at every turn. “you and me, we made a deal to try and save him. remember?” haymitch says. when i don’t respond, he disconnects after a curt “try and remember.”

firstly, i want to start by saying that this is in no way an anti-katniss post, because i do not blame her for distancing herself from peeta in this way. she was traumatized herself and had zero healthy emotional regulation going on. katniss has never had the opportunity to sit with her emotions and process them, always needing to focus on surviving and moving forward. truly stopping and facing peeta's issues with him would have been almost debilitating for her. i cannot blame her for being stuck in survival mode. it doesn't make her a bad person. it doesn't mean she loves peeta any less.

but, i do wanna talk about how it's true that if the roles were reversed, peeta wouldn't act the same way. haymitch knows this. katniss knows this. hell, even hijacked peeta knows it. he doesn't make a comment to katniss about how she isn't a very nice person for nothing. for peeta, that kind of selfless kindness has always been natural. especially in regards to katniss. in the first games, he uses his interview to make katniss look desirable. in the arena, he joins the career pack to lead them away from her. he's willing to let her shoot him so she can go home to district twelve and her family. in the quarter quell, he makes a deal with haymitch to save her. he ask effie for a golden medallion with pictures of the people katniss loves to help him convince her she has to live.

not once, in any of those moments, did he think of himself. of his own survival. does that mean he has a death wish? no, i don't think so. i think peeta sees an inherent goodness in the world that most people miss. he sees a lot of beauty. he just also sees a lot of that goodness and beauty in katniss and he thinks that without her, the world would be a lot less worthwhile for quite a lot of people, least of all himself.

[legobiwan]

If it's alright to ask, would you mind going into a lil more detail about Mario and Luigi's school days? Every single time Mario has a stray thought or memory about it during Expiate I'm just over here with the eyes emoji

Absolutely love seeing people's different interpretations of the bros' past and how it affected them later on in life

You may absolutely ask, this is actually a topic I am thrilled to have the opportunity to talk about :)

Buckle in, this one is going to take a while. :)

I originally conceived of Mario and Luigi's backstory before the movie came out, so it's not going to align. I think what the movie does is great and fun (although they really didn't explore Luigi's relationship with his family all that much, aside from Uncle Tony, may he stop infringing on my boy's space, please - which I thought was interesting), but that's really as far as it goes for me in terms of my writing.

My Mario and Luigi grew up decidedly in Bensonhurst in the 80s and 90s. They lived with their mother and father (and for a time, a grandmother who passed away when they were young) in a rundown apartment, their father a plumber (obviously) and their mother and off-again/on-again teacher and administrative assistant who, unfortunately, had a bevy of intensifying mental health issues and was eventually institutionalized upon their father's death when they were in their very late teens. (This becomes important later).

K-8, the brothers attended a Catholic school named St. Ephram's (which does exist in Dyker Heights - a short commute from Bensonhurst - and what I'm basing their early school days off of. Beyond the name and place, everything else having to do with the school is wholly made up). While the boys' father didn't really care for the whole setup, there were some other, more traditional members of the family that were insistent on it (mostly their mother's mother) and supplied the part of the tuition that wasn't covered by scholarships. (Inflation was also far less crushing back then. Oof).

Mario was actually a bit of a shy kid at first, minding all his ps and qs, never getting into trouble. Luigi was more of the live wire, a bit of a blabbermouth as a kid, but also gawky and just different than his peers, and that gap only continued to widen as the boys hit the Sturm-und-Drang which is puberty.

At this point, Mario starts to bulk up and fill out his stout frame whereas Luigi continues to be a little more willowy and uninterested in sports and the like. This doesn't go over well with a lot of the other boys in school, on top of which, Luigi's anxiety starts to manifest as irrational anger because he's thirteen, hormonal, and a dumbass that has no emotional regulation to speak of. He also hates the school, super-hates religion class and that old bat Sister Catherine (and that's a whole thing in their family, when Luigi starts to refuse to go to Mass), hates the popular bully Sal Imbargiana with a burning passion, and his mouth tends to write checks his ass cannot cash, leaving Mario in the position of bodyguard more often than he wants to be, which is definitely a bone of contention between the boys as Mario is also thirteen and a hormonal dumbass and wants to look cool for his friends and his nerdy, robot-loving little brother is anything but (again, this is way before nerd culture became a thing. All this being said, Mario will pound anyone who hurts Luigi into the ground).

This is exacerbated by their home life - their mother's worsening condition, their father being out at all hours of the day and night pulling in jobs and working for some not-always reputable characters (it's Bensonhurst in the 80s/90s. Enough said). On top of this, their father is well-meaning and he loves his boys, but he's a little old-school and he and Luigi are at constant loggerheads about something all the time as they just can't get on the same wavelength.

So around this point, in eighth grade, the incident occurs in Religion class (the exact nature of which I will actually get to at the end of Expiate, so stay tuned for that one) and Mario is fed up with his brother's intensifying antics and aghast at what he did (it's nothing terrible, by the way, objectively speaking. But it also would not have gone down well in that time and place - like, at all). And being dumbass thirteen year olds, they decide to settle this by engaging in fisticuffs in the school hallway, because that's a great idea, boys. Really using the one braincell there. Sigh.

It's at this point the grandmother who was pushing all of this dies, the scholarships dry up due to a school grant issue and the boys end up in different schools for high school. Mario ends up in a public school (FDR) where he actually flourishes socially and athletically (maybe not so much on the academics, even though he's capable, but he was planning all along to take up his father's business). Luigi busts his ass after the whole debacle in religion class, getting accepted into Brooklyn Tech because he wants badly to be an engineer, to do robotics and get a degree in engineering. (He's even willing to go all the way upstate to Albany, or, he can't believe he's saying this - Jersey - for college, if that's what it takes).

And like Mario, Luigi also flourishes, finally, at Brooklyn Tech, meeting peers with similar interests and finally being in a place where being a bookish nerd isn't a social death sentence. But this is also where the anger turns back into anxiety and starts to hit for real as he's finally in a position to lose something he wants so badly and he's no longer pissed at the world. (And unfortunately, that's exactly what happens. Their Dad dies suddenly of a heart attack in the middle of the boys' senior year - Mario's 18, Luigi's 17 - and their mom ends up out of the picture. The boys get screwed out of the family business by one of their father's partners and Mario has to scramble to take on as many plumbing jobs as he can and Luigi has to help, if only to keep them financially afloat. Luigi scrapes by the remainder of his senior year, and it's not even a question if he'll follow Mario. Of course he does. And with all the chaos, his anxiety worsens and Mario's protective streak intensifies as Luigi isn't a plumber, this wasn't what he wanted to do and he's a good enough engineer to get the basics down, but now he's stuck. This isn't ideal for either of them, but they make it work, downsizing to a crappy studio in Bensonhurst until one day, a few years later, they find this warp pipe and the rest, as they say, is history).

There are a lot of other factors I haven't touched on that get alluded to in many of my stories: the boys' relationship with their cultural Catholicism (important to both of them for various reasons); with their whole Italian-American heritage; the general tenor and mores of these neighborhoods and life in general in the 80s and 90s. I kind of get into it a little here if you are interested. I've had another short story cooking for a while that gets into the origin of their hats and explores younger versions of the boys that touch on some of these elements. Probably should finish that one of these days.

Anyway, YMMV, but that's kind of where I place the boys at growing up. Luigi, hot-headed but asocial and nerdy in a time and place where that was not really accepted. Mario, shy and solid, finally coming into his own and wanting to be cool. And a very complicated home life with well-meaning, but deeply flawed parents.

And to touch on movie Luigi for a moment - if I had to make one criticism of Luigi's character (aside from the lack of screentime), it's that I think he may have been portrayed as a little too passive and too dependent at times. I get that the brothers seem a little younger in this version, but even the cartoon Luigi of my youth wasn't so deferential to his brother. Again, I adored the movie and loved seeing Luigi's big moment (and he does show signs of that quirky sassiness we know and love in Mr. L), but I will say that it skirted the line of excessive, at times. I think a prison break scene, which I think at this point we can all agree was in an early draft, would have fixed that issue easily.

[gaykarstaagforever]

I was talking to my ex brother-in-law about his Iraq War experience. When he gets drunk he'll tell anyone anything. Four things really stand out.

Who lives and who dies, and how that happens, is genuine, absolute chaos, and no human mind can comprehend it. A brilliant, charismatic guy with limitless opportunities who does everything according to regulation can get blown up by an improvised mine. Meanwhile a dickhead everyone hates who fucks up everything can go through ten missions doing close house-to-house combat in ruined neighborhoods, and never even has a close call. There is no sense to make of it, because there is none, and you learn to stop thinking about it. Even though your brain desperately wants to, all the time.

Getting temporary leave to go home is hard, because you leave Chaos Hell and come home to people who are grumpy and whiny about the most inconsequential shit imaginable. And you simultaneously want to tell all of them how selfish and stupid they all are, and also hide in their houses and not go back, because goddamn, do you envy how they only care about nonsense that doesn't involve gore and terror and death!

Human beings are not built to deal with what war is. Some people muddle through that and it rolls off of them like water off a duck's back and they are okay. Other people are subconsciously absorbing the emotional damage from it the whole time, and when they come home and relax, their brain unleashes it on them as life-long PTSD. There is zero way to predict who any of this will happen to, and how badly it will ruin their lives.

The US VA only treats injuries it decides are specifically war-related, and only at a VA hospital, which could be like 4 hours away from where you live. Otherwise, best of luck out there. If you found out you have a pre-existing heart condition only from years of stressful service, huh, that sucks, hope you have insurance from work, man. This is how we treat these largely blue collar people who are ostensibly sacrificing their bodies "for us."

[yesliketheszn]

I'm on break at work and need a place to yell my thoughts into so uh yeah

Asking someone out after the trauma I went through in my last relationship is genuinely so scary. I fucking full sent it in a way that I couldn't take back or delete and I'm so scared ? Because trying to open myself up again after all of that has been so hard but I deserve to be happy right? And finding genuine connections is so hard so to randomly stumble upon someone who is too fucking perfect to be true? Wild

And like I keep telling myself what if? What if it goes good? What if it goes bad? Will this start or end something? Will I fall into old habits and be completely unlovable. How can I stop myself from being so anxious over the littlest thing? How can I make sure that I open myself up to love and trust again but also open myself up to the potential hurt?

How can I be a better partner, how can I better myself? For myself and them. How can I make sure that he understands I want him to always put himself and his opportunities first.

So many what ifs and all I know is that I want to experience them all. To experience pure joy and happiness and to share that with someone else.

But also what if I'm too much? How do I not be too much? Regulating emotions is so fucking hard and I have really been trying.

Idk I'm just very nervous for whatever the fuck this outcome even will be because I always think the worst will happen. I keep being told to take things slow and to be positive and I'm trying! But the voice in my head is really loud rn.