#''there's something wrong with me and its not going anywhere until the day i die'' team

[newobsessionweekly]

I won't remember you

Main masterlist | The rookie masterlist

Protective!Tim Bradford x girlfriend!reader

Fandom: The Rookie

Summary: After an attack leaves you bleeding out, Tim races to your side, terrified of losing you. In a desperate moment, you confess your fear of forgetting him after death. Tim swears nothing, not even death, will ever take you from him.

Warnings: Graphic descriptions of injury (stabbing, blood loss), panic, anxiety, fear of death ,near-death experience, heavy emotional distress, Protective!Tim in full force

Angst

Words: -

Fear lived in you now.

It wasn’t always this way. You used to be able to kiss Tim goodbye before a shift without feeling like you were sending him off to war. You used to be able to close your eyes at night without fearing you might never wake up. But lately, it had taken root inside you, growing deeper with every passing day.

It started as a whisper—soft, insidious thoughts creeping into your mind at odd hours. What if something happens to him today? What if you don’t wake up tomorrow? What if you forget him?

You told yourself it was just anxiety. That you were being paranoid.

Then, the panic attacks started.

Some nights, you’d wake up gasping for breath, your heart slamming against your ribs as if trying to claw its way out. Other nights, you didn’t sleep at all, too afraid that if you closed your eyes, you’d never open them again.

Tim noticed. Of course, he did.

He had always been good at reading you, knowing when something was wrong even before you did. At first, he didn’t push, just watched you carefully, his sharp blue eyes tracking your every move. But when he caught you trembling after waking from another nightmare, your arms wrapped around yourself like you were trying to hold your body together, he couldn’t stay silent.

"You’re not okay," he had said one night, his voice low, careful, as if afraid to spook you.

You had tried to lie.

"I’m fine."

"Don’t do that." He had stepped closer, fingers grazing your jaw, tilting your face up so you couldn’t look away. "Talk to me, sweetheart."

You had broken then, the dam inside you shattering all at once.

"I’m scared," you had admitted, voice barely above a whisper. "All the time, Tim. I can’t—I can’t shut it off."

His arms had been around you in an instant, his body solid and warm against yours. "What are you afraid of?"

You swallowed, gripping the front of his shirt like he was the only thing keeping you grounded. "Losing you."

Tim had tensed at that, his grip on you tightening. "That’s not going to happen."

"You don’t know that." Your voice cracked, a tear slipping down your cheek. "You leave for work every day, and I—I feel like I can’t breathe until you come home."

His jaw clenched, but he didn’t pull away. He just held you, his lips brushing against your hair.

"I always come home," he murmured. "I will always come home to you."

"But what if you don’t?" Your fingers curled into his shirt, your breath shaky. "What if one day, something happens, and I lose you? What if I lose me? I don’t—I don’t want to die, Tim."

His hands cupped your face, his thumbs brushing away the tears slipping down your cheeks.

"You’re not going anywhere," he said fiercely. "Neither of us are."

You had wanted to believe him.

But now, as you lay on the pavement, blood pooling beneath you, you realized—you should have believed him while you had the chance.

It had been a normal evening.

You had left the apartment to pick up dinner—Tim’s favorite, because you knew he had a long shift and would come home exhausted. The air was crisp, the streets familiar, and you had felt safe.

Until you weren’t.

You didn’t hear the man coming.

One second, you were unlocking your car. The next, an arm wrenched you backward, slamming you against a brick wall.

A blade pressed into your side.

"Give me your bag," a low voice hissed in your ear.

Your breath hitched. Your heart pounded so hard it hurt. You nodded quickly, hands shaking as you slipped the bag from your shoulder, pressing it into his grip.

But he didn’t let go.

"This ain't enough," he snapped, his fingers digging into your arm. "You got a phone? Jewelry?"

You reached into your pocket, but he must have thought you were going for something else. Before you could speak, pain exploded through your side.

The knife slid in, hot and deep. You gasped, the world lurching as agony tore through you. For a second, you didn’t even understand what had happened. Then, warmth bloomed beneath your fingers.

You looked down.

Blood. So much blood.

The man cursed, shoving you backward before disappearing into the night.

You staggered, your body trembling violently as you pressed your hands against the wound, trying to stop the bleeding.

Someone screamed. Someone called 911. But not you.

You should have called your boyfriend.

Tim had seen people die before.

He had seen officers go down, had pressed his hands against bullet wounds, had watched blood stain the pavement, had heard final breaths rasp from broken bodies.

But nothing—nothing—had ever prepared him for the moment he heard your name come through dispatch.

"Victim is y/n y/l/n. Possible GSW. Medics en route."

It was like the world snapped.

The air was sucked from his lungs, his heart stopped beating, and for a split second, everything froze.

Then—he ran. He didn’t think. He didn’t breathe.

He was in the car before anyone could stop him, the sirens screaming as he tore through the streets, his hands clenching the wheel so tightly his knuckles went white. His mind was a chaos of images, panic clawing at his throat—

You on the ground.

You gasping for breath.

You—motionless.

His foot slammed on the gas. The drive was a blur. The city rushed past him in streaks of color, his own breath coming in short, ragged bursts. His heart was pounding against his ribs, so fast it hurt, so hard he thought it might break right out of his chest.

Please. Please. Please.

The second he saw you, his entire world collapsed. You were on the pavement, blood was everywhere. A dark crimson stain spread across your side, soaking into your clothes, pooling beneath you like an open wound in the earth itself.

Tim’s knees hit the ground before he even knew he had moved. His hands—steady on the field, in firefights, in life-or-death situations—shook as they pressed down over yours, trying to stem the bleeding.

"Y/n!" His voice cracked, his breath ragged. "Baby, I’m here."

You gasped, barely conscious, your eyes fluttering open just enough to meet his.

"Tim…"

The way you said his name—weak, broken, like you weren’t sure you’d ever get to say it again—ripped him apart.

"Hey, hey, baby, stay with me." His fingers curled over yours, pressing against the wound, desperate to stop the blood, to fix this, to save you. "You’re okay. Just hold on, sweetheart. Just—just stay with me."

You blinked up at him, your lips trembling.

"I didn’t call you," you whispered.

Tim’s jaw locked, his breath shuddering.

"Why the hell not?" His voice was sharp, raw, barely controlled beneath the sheer terror gripping him.

You swallowed, your fingers twitching against his. "Didn’t want you to… hear me like this."

A choked noise caught in his throat.

"Jesus, y/n" His hands tightened on you, pressing against the wound, his body instinctively shielding yours like he could keep you safe just by being there. "You always call me. Do you hear me? Always. I don’t give a damn what I’m doing—I will always come for you."

A soft sound left your lips—half a breath, half a whimper.

"Scared," you murmured.

Tim exhaled sharply, his chest aching at the fragility of your voice.

"I know, baby," he whispered. His fingers brushed against your face, streaking your cheek with your own blood. "I know."

You inhaled shakily, a weak tremor racking through your body.

"I don’t… I don’t want to die."

Tim clenched his teeth so hard his jaw ached. A burning sensation settled in his chest, threatening to consume him.

"You’re not going to die," he growled, his voice shaking. "Do you hear me? You’re not leaving me. Not now. Not ever."

You blinked sluggishly, your pupils unfocused.

"But if I do…"

Tim’s stomach dropped. His heart stopped dead.

"Don’t," he begged, voice hoarse. "Don’t say it."

Your hand—so cold, so weak—curled around his wrist.

"But if I do…" you whispered. "I won’t remember you."

Tim’s entire body locked. A shuddering breath left him, raw and wrecked.

Tears blurred your vision as you forced yourself to continue, despite the sharp ache in your chest. “They say—at weddings, they say ‘till death do us part’ because when you die, you forget. You forget the people you love. And I don’t want to forget you.”

Tim broke. The breath he sucked in was sharp, painful, like glass cutting down his throat.

"You’re not going to die," he choked out, his grip tightening on you like he could physically hold you here, keep you tethered to him.

Your lips trembled.

"But if I do… Will you find me?"

A tear slipped from Tim’s lashes, burning against his skin. His forehead pressed against yours, his breath warm and unsteady.

"Always." His voice shook, barely above a whisper. "I will always find you, baby. No matter what. I swear to you."

Your lashes fluttered.

"’Til death do us part," you murmured.

Tim flinched. No. No, he hated that phrase.

He hated the finality of it. The implication that death was the end. That you could be taken from him and there would be nothing after.

His hands cupped your face, his thumbs brushing over your cheekbones, smearing blood over your skin.

"Not even death," he whispered fiercely. "Not even death could take you from me."

You shivered beneath his touch, the cold creeping into your bones. Tim felt it and it terrified him.

"Stay with me, sweetheart," he pleaded, his voice breaking. "Please."

Your lips parted then your body went limp. His heart stopped.

"No—no, no, no—y/n!" His voice was a roar, pure desperation as he shook you, as he pressed his hands against the wound, as if he could force life back into you. "Stay with me!"

The paramedics were suddenly there, voices shouting, hands pulling him back, but Tim fought them.

"No!" He thrashed against their grip, his voice ragged, his hands bloody as they tried to push him away from you. "I’m not leaving her!"

"Y/n, stay with me, baby, please—"

They wrenched him back, and suddenly—he couldn’t touch you anymore. He couldn’t feel you.

"Her pulse is weak—get the stretcher, now!"

"She’s lost too much blood—"

Tim’s breath came in ragged, painful bursts, his hands shaking so violently he couldn’t control them.

He watched—helpless—as they lifted you, as the sirens screamed, as your head lolled to the side, your skin too pale, your breath too shallow.

Panic clawed at his throat.

He shoved past the medics, gripping your limp hand.

"You’re not leaving me," he whispered, his voice shattering.

They loaded you into the ambulance, and Tim didn’t let go.

He climbed in after you, his fingers clutching yours, his forehead pressing against your knuckles.

"I will always find you," he whispered, a silent prayer.

"Just—please—find your way back to me."

[babygirlificationn]

"I'll kill you. When the time comes, if you want me to."

House finding Thirteen after Wilsons death and fulfilling his promise to her post canon is a common headcanon and for good reasons.. I feel like ive wanted to draw something with these two for a while now but never had the chance.

Gift for @morehousebites !!!! Hope you like it even a little bit <3 Prompt: Gregory House & Remy Hadley, Chronic illness.

@housemdanniversary huge thanks for organising all of this <3 happy twenty years of house md ! 🐁

Bonus (silly) under the cut.

Foreman transmasc and pregnant...

Loosely based on the prompt: "pregnancy (I'm autistic and it's a special interest of mine, not in a sexual way it's just genuinely fascinating to me), also if it involves Chase or Foreman- I headcannon both as transmasc individuals!" the disclaimer made me giggle lol. Also tbh i just wanted to draw my man Foreman.

[hellsamethyst]

im listening to my jjk themed playlist(literally just a playlist of songs that reminds me of jjk characters and/or gives me certain jjk character vibes- most of it being nsfw ngl) and die with a smile by bruno mars ft lady gaga is playing, right?

who does my mind immediately think of at this current moment? not any of the jjk characters, that's for sure!

instead, my mind goes to lnds sylus

i can picture two scenarios

the first being sylus and mc asleep in bed together, he has a nightmare of losing mc and he wakes up in a cold sweat, chest heaving like he's struggling to breathe, sitting up, attempting to stay silent but he's panicking, terrified out of his mind. he doesn't scare easily but this dream, this nightmare felt all too real. his gaze trails over to mc, his crimson eyes studying her closely, making sure she's still there next to him, still breathing. mc wakes up and finds him sitting upright, staring at her with an intense gaze. she's concerned, of course, and sits up, her hands immediately reaching out to cup his cheeks, her thumbs gently brushing against his skin, her soft voice, laced with sleep, asking if he was alright, did he have a bad dream. sylus attempts to deflect, tries to brush it off as nothing but mc knows something's up, something's wrong. she urges him to speak about it until he finally relents, telling her about his nightmare. her gaze softens and she pulls him into her arms, reassuring him that she's very much alive, promising she'll always be next to him. from that moment on, they are completely inseparable, spending every day, every night together, loving each other sweetly, wholly, both sylus and mc reminding the other they'll never leave, never stray too far, never go somewhere where the other can't follow

the other scenario is similar, but instead of sylus having the nightmare, it's mc. she jolts awake, her eyes welling up with tears, her heart positively aching. the nightmare felt so real, so concrete that she wakes sylus up by grabbing his hand, gripping it tightly. he immediately knows something's wrong, knows his beloved is feeling overwhelmed. he sits up with her and pulls her onto his lap, his arms instinctively wrapping around her, crushing her against his chest, his hands tangling gently in her hair. he doesn't make her speak, he can already guess what she's dreamed about, he knows her too well. instead, he sits in silence, holding her, soothing her, and if he does speak, it's only to whisper his love for her, to hum a song just for her ears and her ears alone. he presses her head against where his heart rests, letting its beating reassure her that he's here, and he's not going anywhere. from this point on, mc loves him wholly, fiercely, more than she had before. she'd constantly, consistently shower him with her affection, whether its holding his hand or arm out in public, writing love notes and planting them around the base for him to find, sending him messages reserved only for his eyes and his heart, or laying together in the stillness of the night, basking in each other's company. she would make sure he'd never doubt her devotion, her love, her adoration for him, just as he'd do the same for her

[laxmiree]

[CN] MLQC’s Lucien - Rebirth Date - English Translation [3/3]

⚠️ SPOILER ALERT!! ⚠️

This post contains a detailed spoiler for a date that has not been released in EN yet! Feel free to notify me if there are any mistakes in the translation~

No Man's Land Solo SSR Event | Rebirth Date Part 1 | Date Part 2 | Date Part 3 (You're here!) | Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3 | Day 4 | Day 5 | Day 6 | Day 7

I can't help but laugh, placing my hand in his as if placing both my life and death in his hand.

I've never felt so free and happy. All the unknowns seem to have transformed into challenges at this moment, and I want to overcomes them.

Translation under the cut!

Previous Part=> [Click Here]

—[Part 4]—

Lucien: Radiation, disasters, and the like are merely puzzles posed by objective reality, and we are the problem solvers.

Lucien: Only in this way do we qualify to step onto a new level.

His voice is exceptionally gentle, accompanied by the buzzing sound of an electric current that sends shivers down my spine.

MC: ...Are you going to kill me?

Lucien: [chuckles] Do you want me to?

He lowers the machine in his hand, bringing the rapidly spinning chainsaw blade dangerously close to my neck.

Lucien: I can dismember your limbs, but that won’t be particularly useful to me right now.

Lucien: I can extract your brain intact and keep it active for a certain period of time. Maybe you would still be considered 'alive' in some biological sense.

Lucien: Of course, the most important thing is your heart and... your Evol 'core'.

Lucien: I've been curious for a long time about how it works, allowing you to withstand any severe radiation threat and survive until now.

Lucien: Maybe when I cut you open, there will be an answer to all this. What do you think?

I can feel the intense wind pressure from the chainsaw pressing down on all my nerves, but at the same time, it seems that an even more majestic and surging force is roaring in my chest.

My mind is almost blank, leaving only some kind of instinct.

MC: ....No, you are wrong.

MC: If I die, you won't get any answers.

At this moment, I seem to see something more clearly.

MC: And... it's not you who is studying me to carry out so-called 'evolution', but rather me using you to complete ‘change’.

The corners of his mouth curve into a more pronounced arc.

Lucien: Is that so? But it seems I have the opportunity to lock you up again at any time.

Lucien: I have many ways to keep you from going anywhere, even... to take away your right to choose death.

MC: Then go ahead and try. Just hope you don't die too soon from my radiation.

MC: Just like right now, you've been around me without any protection for too long.

In this gamble, that ever-surging power now settles in my heart. It feels unfamiliar to me, yet at this moment, it seems to belong to me completely.

His deep eyes fill with more laughter. He elegantly sets the machine aside, squats down, and places his hands on both sides of the bag.

His warm breath hits my face, and he seems like another cage, closing in on me even more.

Lucien: Do you know? Ten years ago, your data readings fluctuated wildly. They thought it was due to your unstable condition, but I suspected back then that it was because of ‘fear’.

Lucien: Humans can feel the existence of life through extreme fear. They will instinctively want to protect themselves, and that drive will generate immense energy.

Lucien: Back then, my knowledge and skills were far from sufficient to fully uncover everything about you, so I concluded... that we both needed some time.

Lucien: [whispers] But later, I regretted it. Actually, I shouldn't have let you go back then.

His gentle voice brushes past my ear like a feather, making me instinctively hold my breath.

Something heavy and complex seems to be shedding its outer shell, revealing a more genuine and indescribable side to me.

Lucien: A lot of time was wasted, so when you appeared before me, I was very happy.

Lucien: And you're slowly starting to trust me, which is good.

MC: So everything over the past six months... was it all your facade?

MC: To make me truly feel fear?

Lucien: [chuckles] No, I want you to always remember the feeling you just had.

His noticeably cold fingertips brush my cheek, meticulously tracing a certain outline.

Lucien: You should have been constantly thinking, striving to survive, and seeing many scenes.

Lucien: Remember how you used that power and then tame it.

Lucien: Only then will you be complete.

A pair of calm abysses engulf me, tempting me to gaze upon what lies hidden deep beneath the surface-

A soul that is pure yet obsessive, mad yet patient.

Lucien: Besides, I have never pretended in front of you. Just because you don’t see it doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

Lucien: Our time is running out. I think it's a good idea to use myself as a stepping stone for change.

Lucien: After all, solving the problem is the key to everything, and I don't want to cause you too much pain.

I freeze momentarily, suddenly realizing something, and repeatedly examine his entire body.

The person in front of me has no skin ulcers, looks mentally stable, and everything seems normal…

MC: Could it be that you…

Lucien: I am my own test subject, and the facts prove that I have succeeded.

He lifts his palm, revealing faint flickering motes of light. I can sense a power radiating from within.

Lucien: As I've mentioned before, your body seems to possess a sort of 'core' or 'field'.

Lucien: Your core affects the radiation energy, either absorbing or repelling it; hence, you remain unaffected.

Lucien: And I used the power you unleashed earlier to replicate a similar 'field'.

Flecks of excitement dance in his eyes as he arrogantly retracts his fingertips.

Lucien: [chuckles] If my hypothesis is correct, in a few days, I will be able to create a 'core' with a near-identical operating mechanism in a few days.

Lucien: I might soon be able to research the data from the heavily contaminated areas myself, including... the machines there.

With that, he rises to his feet, carefully placing various organs and components into separate jars before turning his head back.

Lucien: I previously asked you, 'Is death the end?' Do you remember your answer?

MC: ...I remember.

Lucien: I don't think death is the end.

He lets out a soft chuckle tinged with an air of undeniable arrogance.

Lucien: No one here cares about death, because it's too commonplace, and also because they don't understand the value of death.

Watching his retreating figure without turning his head, I instinctively crawl out of the black bag.

I feel as if I've just experienced death and have been reborn with new flesh and blood in this moment.

I want to know what he means and see how far he can go.

✂———————–

Following his figure, I enter a room on the side of the deep pit. Jars of all shapes and sizes are placed in the dimly lit environment.

The wall is covered with a dense jumble of numbers and changing curves, new numbers and symbols overlapping the old marks, layer upon layer.

I look around in surprise, momentarily at a loss for words.

MC: These... are all your doing?

Lucien: Not entirely, I just took over them.

He places the jars on different shelves and writes new numbers in one spot.

Lucien: Someone else conducted experiments here before, leaving behind many things and data. There are always predecessors doing similar things, just like the information you brought back.

Lucien: I just found them, researched and revised their conclusions, and came up with my own answers.

MC: How do you know that someone else will do the same thing…?

Lucien: There will always be.

Lucien: There will always be those who are curious, questioning all the current definitions and conjectures, wanting to know how this world actually works.

Lucien: There are always things that spread wider and longer than diseases and death, leaving their mark on the world in various ways.

I stand there in a daze, Lucien is clearly standing in front of me, yet I feel like he is so far away.

In a world ravaged by wounds, his words sounded like a miracle, but he spoke them as if it were a matter of course.

At this moment, I suddenly have a premonition.

Even if Lucien disappears from the world one day, there will surely be someone who will sweep away the dust of time, pick up the whole box, and continue to climb upwards on this silent boulder.

Lucien: Aside from that, these corpses are also quite nutritious.

Having seemingly finished his preparations, Lucien spoke abruptly, causing my expression to change instantly.

✂———————–

Following his footsteps, I arrive at another dark, large building. I had never thought that the buildings next to the laboratory each had their own purpose.

Amidst the continuous rumbling, Lucien opens each black bag one by one and empties their contents into a deep pit, its contents and depth obscured from view.

Lucien: Corpses can be fermented by bacteria to produce biogas, which is a tremendous source of chemical energy.

Lucien: Moreover, improper handling of these corpses could lead to an outbreak of plague, resulting in even more deaths.

Unable to understand what he's saying, I stare into the depths of the pit for a long moment before turning my gaze towards Lucien.

MC: Have you been experimenting on the people in the city all this time?

Lucien: [chuckles] I don't deny it.

Faced with his somewhat ambiguous answer, I fall silent for a moment.

Lucien is both saving and experimenting. It seems as if the divine and the devil coexist paradoxically within him, making it impossible for me to define him in any way.

Lucien: The more people who survive, the more it proves that my path is the correct one.

Lucien: I deeply regret the loss of those who died, but I will only use their deaths to go further.

As we leave the building, the sky is so dark that no single star can be seen.

Lucien doesn't stop but walks towards the city.

Seeing this, I instinctively halt—I am not wearing my isolation suit, and my presence could harm the city's residents.

Lucien: [gently] It's okay, MC. Trust me.

He stands in the darkness yet extends an invitation to me like a burning flame.

Lucien: Let me show you what this world can be.

In the empty square, not a sliver of light is visible. Lucien takes out a small device, instantly illuminating his face. A small, dome-shaped black hole is also aimed at me.

MC: …!

Instinctively assuming it to be a weapon, I cover my neck and recoil half a step.

Unexpectedly, Lucien laughs and gestures with the device at me for quite a while. I instinctively try to escape his ‘target lock’, but it only makes his laughter more pronounced.

Finally, I can't resist moving closer. After he presses the button, I find myself appearing on the lit-up screen!

The me in the picture frame steps back in fear, nervously runs around, and finally moves closer out of curiosity.

MC: …What is this! So amazing!

Lucien: I don't know either. But since we've found it, it means someone invented it in this world.

Lucien: It has no significance for survival, yet it still exists.

With a gentle shake of the device, specks of light dance exuberantly in his eyes.

Lucien: How boring it would be if the only meaning of this world was survival.

My heart is racing, and the moment I take the device, it feels heavy.

I don't know what I pressed, but Lucien's face appears on the screen.

Lucien looks straight at me through the device.

Lucien: [softly] MC, do you know? From the moment you appeared before me, I realized that this world is actually full of color.

Lucien: So, I really want you to see what the world looks like through my eyes.

An unknown button press triggers a blinding flash of light that erupts in an instant, searing an imprint onto my retinas-

The whole world seems to be glowing.

Multicolored luminescence suffuses every corner of the city. The splendid and brilliant lights are like eternal fireworks, blooming with unparalleled beauty.

Zone X is lit up.

Shadowy figures emerge from the corners, their heads raised and eyes wide open.

??: ...Is this also a radiation tide?

??: It must be... it must be! Run! Otherwise, none of us will survive!

??: It hurts! I feel so much pain!!

??: Wait… City lord is over there!

??: City lord! Save us!!

Countless cries of clamor and anguish rise and fall, eyes full of pleading and struggle are cast in my direction.

Lucien: These are all my doing, they are just some lights that I turned on.

As those words settle, the entire square instantly falls silent.

??: There's no way so many lights would turn on in this world... you must be lying!

??: ...Really? Could it be that City Lord is just that powerful?

??: Run!!

In that fleeting moment, I seem to perceive a myriad of faces. Doubt, curiosity, anger, despair...

In the unfamiliar yet radiant scene of rebirth, something sprouts and grows amidst the ruins.

As someone charges forward with a roar, Lucien remains nonchalant, a smile still gracing his lips.

His eyes hold no trace of them.

Lucien: MC, the future awaiting everyone will never be peaceful; death and struggle will inevitably permeate the entirety of human history.

Lucien: But if, after enduring pain and struggle, one can gain the courage to face the truth, it will surely lead humanity to a further future.

MC: ...What kind of future?

Lucien: For example…

As blood splatters everywhere, I see Lucien proudly raise the corners of his mouth.

Lucien: You can stand in front of everyone just as ordinarily as this.

Lucien: Without restrictions, in a state of freedom.

Lucien: I think this future is just beginning.

Lucien extends his hand to me as he speaks.

I have never seen someone like this, standing before me in such a real and equal way, in the face of me who always brings death to others because of my radiation.

He has calculated everything and cut open everything, inviting me to embark on an unknown and long journey together.

Almost without hesitation, I step forward and grasp that hand, letting the blood stains on it also stain my hand.

Since he has used himself and the future as bait, then I have absolutely no reason to give up.

MC: Lucien, is all of this tonight part of your bigger trap?

Lucien: [chuckles] What if it is?

I stare back at him deeply, the corners of my mouth curling into a smile.

MC: Then I will gladly accept it*.

With a dazzling halo around his arched eyebrows and eyes, he pulls my hand up and we start running together.

Lucien: The isolation membrane I placed on you only lasts for 15 minutes. "Miss Death" is about to come again.

As he speaks, he spreads his palm open with a serious demeanor. Despite being covered in blood, he appears as graceful as the wisest grand wizard from a book.

I can't help but laugh, placing my hand in his as if placing both my life and death in his hand.

MC: Pfft, don't you need to escape from me then?

Lucien: I don't need to.

He laughs casually, and there’s even a hint of anticipation.

Lucien: Death is one of my best nutrients.

The static dark screens served as a backdrop behind him. The neon light outlines his silhouette as if it could illuminate everything.

I subconsciously raise the device in my hand and aim it behind us-

Countless images of Lucien appear on the machines behind me. I excitedly sway it back and forth, and the pictures of the machine sway in real time along with my movements.

MC: You need to tell me what's happening when you return!

Lucien: I'd be happy to explain it to you.

MC: Then I also want to know the principle behind it and more!

Lucien: In that case, a certain student might need to put in a bit more effort outside of the experiments.

The sky starts to rain at some point, as if a joyful symphony is playing.

MC: Lucien, do you find this world interesting?

Lucien: [chuckles] Incredibly interesting.

MC: I'm starting to find it interesting too!

I've never felt so free and happy. All the unknowns seem to have transformed into challenges at this moment, and I want to overcome them.

MC: With Zone X being so bright, more people are bound to notice it, right?

Lucien: Probably, similar people will understand its significance. Some will come closer, and some will question it—

Lucien: But perhaps more and more areas will light up like this.

Lucien: The data you brought back contains a very special piece of information.

Lucien: It is said that there is a person in this world who can change everything. The recorder referred to her as — 'Queen'.

I was stunned for a moment and slowly stopped walking.

Lucien stands in front of me, still gazing at me with a gentle smile.

I look at our intertwined palms, and after a long while, I raise my head resolutely and hold his hand even tighter.

MC: If there really is someone who can change everything, I will be that person.

MC: I will be the 'Queen'.

Lucien smiles gently.

Lucien: Then I will witness your coronation.

He holds my hand, steps over the line between light and darkness, and merges into the darkness.

Lucien: Welcome to the new world.

—————Fin————–

[T/N]

*: The Chinese idiom 甘之如饴 (gān zhī rú yí) literally translates to "as sweet as syrup." It is used to describe someone who willingly endures hardship or difficulty, often with a sense of satisfaction or joy. Fun fact: it's also a reference to a line from Aquarium date, which EN server translates differently 🤧

-

[Lux's rambles corner]

Post-Apocalypse AU really ends with a BANG with this one date ಥ⁠‿⁠ಥ. Suddenly, putting Lucien at the end makes sense because his dates signify the rebirth of the post-apocalyptic world. No matter how dark, bleak, and filthy the world is, there will always be hope, and there will always be people who try to bring everyone toward a better future 🥺

Anyway, let's talk about this date bit by bit, shall we? Although this kind of feels like a compressed main story, some things are different. Essentially, the first half of this date is filled with foreshadowing and world-building, while the other half is filled with revelation.

First of all, the date name 【新生之约】 is a reference to what XM said in S1 chapter 13-8: "However, you must believe that before things reach the worst point, everything can still be reborn and changed.". The words "reborn"/"rebirth" and "change" are essentially what this date is about.

In this post-apocalyptic world, abnormal radiation unleashed by the 1917 comet impact brings death and illness to everyone. Many scientists tried to research this matter and even went as far as to conduct human experiments. In this AU, Lucien is a “city lord” who also researches this matter, and MC is one of his test subjects. Zone X is considered one of the deadliest, where the people who come here are either at their wits' end, seeking death, or refusing to leave their homes.

[Radioactive Butterfly]

MC’s “CORE” power has an interesting twist on this date. Besides having some kind of power that can change the world, it also makes her deadly to others because her core not only repels the radiation but also absorbs it. I think one part from the [No Man’s Land] event perfectly paints MC’s unique situation on this date.

In Lucien's laboratory, I discovered an exceptionally beautiful butterfly with vibrant wings trapped inside a glass dome, gently fluttering its wings. A. Quietly admire it. B. Open the glass cover and release the butterfly.

If you choose A, Lucien appears behind MC and explains that the butterfly's wing color was caused by radiation, so while it was beautiful, it had to live its entire life under the glass dome. If you choose B, the lab radiation alarm blares because the radiation level inside the building has suddenly spiked several hundred times—it turns out that the butterfly is radioactive.

MC is in the same situation as the butterfly. Her ‘vibrant wings’ (core power) prevent her from living freely. She has to isolate herself from others to protect them. Her life has primarily been one of experimentation, treated as a tool for a future envisioned by many lunatic scientists. Most people don't see her as an equal, but rather as a means to an end.

For MC, Lucien is different from them in many ways.

….I asked Lucien why he never referred to me by my experiment number. Lucien also seemed to ponder for a moment, and then he simply said that perhaps I am not just an experimental subject or a creation.

Take note of how her question doesn't grant an immediate answer from Lucien because this habit is not deliberate; Lucien subconsciously regards her as more than just an ‘experiment subject.'

MC believes that he is different from those crazy scientists. He doesn't hurt her too much and even gives her some kind of small freedom by giving her an isolation suit that allows her to explore freely and interact with other people and living creatures without fear of hurting them. Although she doesn't fully trust him, she still sees him as the gentle and generous City Lord who tried his best to save his people.

But during one of their visits, seeing Lucien's unsettling composure as he tends to the horrific illness, MC perhaps begins to see the other side that Lucien hasn't let her see.

[Eros and Thanatos]

Their time is running out as the radiation tide gets worse in Zone X. And as what they call it, desperate times call for desperate measures. In order to push MC to control her power and free her, Lucien bets his own life with a pretty-much-staged reveal of his other side (i mean, come on, he’s been hiding the whole corpse thing for MONTHS, and you told me he clumsily forgot to clean up one day and conveniently leave traces of blood that can lead you to his dark basement thingy???)

Rather than using the dark side™ to explain his other side, I’ll just use Eros and Thanatos dual theory instinct.

Walking into the city, a man with a festering arm rushed out, accusing Lucien of not only failing to cure him but also making him neither human nor a ghost. Meanwhile, another person lying on a stretcher claimed that it was the city lord who had saved them.

If you choose to ask him, Lucien will react like this:

Lucien smiled and said that the truth shouldn't be told by him but depends on which truth I am willing to believe.

In the early 1910s, Sigmund Freud proposed the theory of Eros and Thanatos. This theory suggests two fundamental forces influencing human behavior:

Eros (Life Drive): Represents the instinct to create, bond, and preserve life. It encompasses sexual and social urges, as well as the will to survive.

Thanatos (Death Drive): Represents an unconscious drive towards self-destruction, aggression, and returning to an inanimate state. It manifests in destructive urges and aggression directed inwards or outwards.

It seems as if the divine and the devil coexist paradoxically within him, making it impossible for me to define him in any way.

As a character, Lucien embodies both Eros and Thanatos. His curiosity, thirst for knowledge, scientific pursuits, and care for life reflect Eros, while his willingness to use painful and deadly experiments even toward himself to achieve his goals and his anticipation of his death signify Thanatos. His Thanatos-driven action highlights a ruthless determination to achieve his objectives; essentially, you can call it his Ares’ side. Not only did they coexist, but both Eros and Thanatos instincts can blend as well. For example, through his use of corpses for biogas production, which is an approach to utilizing death for the benefit of life.

A pure, yet obsessive, mad, yet patient soul

His intentions and ideals are inherently good and pure. He is also a patient man, willing to wait for years for his research to bear fruit. Even if it doesn’t yield anything in his lifetime, it doesn’t matter to him, as he believes someone will continue his path. However, his obsession (in this context, 偏执 means ‘inflexible’ obsession/fixation with his ideal and truth of the world. It contains some stubbornness in it ahah) and madness drives him to do anything to achieve his goals. What he said in Season 1 Chapter 16 is proven true during this date—that he won't hesitate to sacrifice anyone, even himself, to advance the world. MC remains the sole exception to this, as she is the only person to whom he grants some freedom and choice in this matter. He won't sacrifice someone important to him.

[Philosophies of Death and Rebirth]

Speaking of death and life- of course Lucien’s date won’t be complete without some kind of philosophical discussion about them-

Lucien: Humans can feel the existence of life through extreme fear. They will instinctively want to protect themselves, and that drive will generate immense energy.

Around 200 years ago, Kierkegaard shared insights about human existence (Kierkegaard, 1983). He explained that humans are unique because we are aware of our existence and can reflect on ourselves. This awareness brings two emotions: awe and dread. We feel awe at the beauty of life and dread at the reality of death, which can come at any moment. Awe inspires us to live fully, seek love, make connections, and find meaning in life. On the other hand, Dread reminds us of death's constant presence and makes us even more aware of our existence.

MC: So everything over the past six months... was it all your facade?

MC: To make me truly feel fear?

Lucien: [chuckles] No, I want you to always remember the feeling you just had.

Lucien: You should have been constantly thinking, striving to survive, and seeing many scenes.

Lucien: Remember how you used that power and then tame it.

Lucien: Only then will you be complete.

Rather than making her feel fear, Lucien's goal is for her to fully control her own power. I think in the end, they're both using each other to complete their own goal; MC uses Lucien to complete her change, and Lucien copies MC's power so that he can research the radiation himself. It's a mutually beneficial cooperation. Which, although extreme (worst case scenario is that Lucien dead and MC be traumatized by the whole thing) it's arguably the least risky way according to Lucien's enigmatic working mind lol. Like, at least in the worst-case scenario, she won't be dead.

Interestingly, this part of Lucien's dialogue can be analyzed through Heidegger's concept of "being-toward-death."

Heidegger (1962) wrote, “If I take death into my life. Acknowledge it, and face it squarely, I will free myself from the anxiety of death and the pettiness of life—and only then will I be free to become myself.”

Heidegger's philosophy exhorts us to accept death and to use it as a means of understanding the purpose of life. According to Heidegger, acknowledging death allows us to enjoy life to the fullest and cherish the time we have. Death, in this view, can be a source of freedom as it liberates us from the limitations of life and enables us to realize our full potential, in this case, MC fully realizing her power.

So, with all being said and done, is death the end? I don’t think so. Death is not the end, as new life and knowledge can be born through understanding death. Death is not the end, because there will always be people who pick up and continue your path even after your passing. Death is not the end when it can provide for new life to grow, even through something as unhinged as using corpses to produce electricity.

Watching his retreating figure without turning his head, I instinctively crawl out of the black bag.

I feel as if I've just experienced death and have been reborn with new flesh and blood in this moment.

I want to know what he means and see how far he can go.

Death and apocalypse don’t necessarily mean the end; they can even mark the beginning of a new future. After all, only after experiencing death can you be reborn from the ashes like a phoenix.

And while at it, they somehow have ‘wholesome’ heart-to-heart talk… isn’t it silly that they can finally talk frankly when both of them are kind of trying to kill the other-

//just kidding, i personally like this talk because it fulfills something that I didn't realize needed lol. It feels like- S2 ch 23 approach to S1 ch 13 conflict if that makes sense? 😂 like instead of a dramatic break-up, we get them just, communicating their feelings because of their instinctive trust in each other ksksksks. Perhaps it's because MC instinctively trusts that Lucien won't kill her, and her curiosity exceeds her fear. And maybe it's because Lucien trusts that MC can unlock her power that he is willing to bet his own life.

[Future in his eyes]

Lucien: Why change the world? I think this world is fine.

Lucien: What I want to seek is 'evolution'.

What is 'evolution' in the post-apocalypse setting? It's more abstract from Lucien's practice of 'evolution' in the main story (like evolving 'everyone' or straight up ascending the world's dimension).

In this AU, 'evolution' is more about to the process of advancing and adapting to overcome extreme challenges like war, illness, and disaster, which will always permeate human history. This concept of evolution is about finding ways to adapt and advance humanity to solve these crises. Some real-life examples would be how wars and pandemics accelerate technological development. When trying to survive, humanity gains immense power to conquer those challenges.

Lucien: Radiation, disasters, and the like are merely puzzles posed by objective reality, and we are the problem solvers.

Lucien: Only in this way do we qualify to step onto a new level.

According to this dialogue, Lucien sees that the world is already undergoing evolution. The ongoing process of 'solving' post-apocalyptic challenges through continuous scientific and technological advancements is a form of evolution itself. Of course, it's a collective effort, and he is just one of many people who try to solve it. Lucien is not interested in fundamentally changing the world but in advancing and adapting it. However, his ultimate objective is still the same as that of the main story.

MC: What's your objective?

Lucien: A better future. -[S1 Chapter 13]

I don't think MC's and Lucien's ideas of change and evolution clash; rather, they can complement each other. Imagine a seed: Lucien wants the seed to be tough enough to survive in a harsh world by making the seed stronger, while MC wants to change the world so it'll be less harsh to the seed; both of them want a better future where the seed to survive and thrive but through a different approach.

Lucien: [softly] MC, do you know? From the moment you appeared before me, I realized that this world is actually full of color.

Lucien: So, I really want you to see what the world looks like through my eyes.

If there's one thing that MC has already changed, it's Lucien. She doesn't change his view on evolution, but she made him realize that the world is not so depressing and actually full of color: it's beautiful and interesting. So, it would be boring if the world were only about survival.

What is the end point of that evolution? We will never know, but for a start, we can see the beginning of the future through his eyes. Through adaptation and innovation, he generates electricity that can light up the entire area, transforming the deadliest area into a beacon of hope.

While lighting up the area doesn't immediately solve the crisis, it is a step towards evolution. Not only does it aid in a better future, but it also possesses the power of 'beauty'. Quoting from Gallery Date, (beautiful things have the power to inspire people and change their hearts) it can lead to more and more areas being illuminated.

That future even contains his selfish wishes... like a future where MC can be ordinary and free or a future where they can hold hands without any worries.

Lastly, compare these two lines:

Strangers speak in tongues I cannot comprehend, their eyes perpetually fixed on the distant future, but all I sense is madness.

Sharp, resolute, and scrutinizing. He seems to be peering through me to a distant place.

Here, you can see how both Lucien and the mad scientists from her past focus on the future. However, while the other scientists see only their own envisioned future and use her to reach it, Lucien sees the future within her. He recognizes her potential, and rather than simply seeing her as a test subject, he sees her as equal and wants her to be an active participant in shaping the future.

So all this time, he’s been patiently waiting for her to come to his side, then reveal everything and invite her to embark on a long and unknown journey together. After that experiment, both of them had already gotten what they wanted from their cooperation. Now that she knows how to control her power, she can be free and protect herself, and he doesn't need her help to research things in the radiated area. Isn't it ironic that the same person who threatened to lock her up is the one giving her freedom? He will simply drift away and continue to move forward the world in the direction that he wants if she chooses not to. However, he hopes that she will continue to accompany him in moving forward.

Luckily, she takes his hand and they run towards the unknown future together. Rather than the joy of survival, it signifies the arrival of freedom and a brand-new world. He also encourages her to become "Queen" and seek the change she wants. “Welcome to the new world.” text with the screen all black is such a BRILLIANT way to end this date. There is always a trend, but the changes in the world will always exceed our imagination.

Thank you for reading!

[meganlpie]

Growing Love

Based on this request:  I do have a story request for your the hobbit book. I was thinking of possibly the reader staying at Beorn’s and the grow to love each other overtime and they eventually admit it to each other.

Here you are! My apologies for the wait. *Beorn is NOT mine and is the property of JRR Tolkien.*

Warnings: Mostly fluff, slight angst(?), first time writing Beorn. Reader is described as being shorter than Beorn. Beorn is theorized to be anywhere from 7'3"(220.98cm) to 12'(365.76cm) tall.

Pairings: Beorn x reader

When you had first accidentally stumbled upon the house in the woods, you thought you would die. After all, there was a giant, great bear right on your heels. You managed to find a small space to hide where the bear couldn't get you. A few hours later, after the bear had left and you calmed down, you were approached again by a very large man. While you were intimidated, he did not seem to want to hurt you. In fact, upon hearing your story, he offered you a place to stay.

       You grew to enjoy working alongside Beorn. You cooked together,  took care of the livestock and ponies together, and kept bees together. But your favorite thing to do with Beorn was work in his garden. For such a large being, Beorn was as gentle as could be with his garden. He talked to his plants, nurturing them the way a parent would a child. He taught you about the various things he grew and how to care for them. 

Time passed as you stayed with Beorn while you were trying to figure out where to go and what to do. Some days, you felt like a burden to the skin-changer. Still he never said anything like that to you nor did it seem that he was tiring of your company. You often caught him staring at you in what appeared to be deep contemplation. Like you were a riddle he couldn’t solve. One day, you would figure out exactly what Beorn was thinking.

Beorn had given you your own patch of land to grow flowers alongside his crops. You were tending to those flowers one morning when you felt Beorn’s eyes on you again. “Is something wrong?” you asked him, straightening up. He cleared his throat as if he were embarrassed to be caught staring. He paused for a moment, contemplating his words carefully. Given his usual brash nature, you were happy to wait for him to get his thoughts together.

“I have discovered something. Something unusual,” he replied after a bit. You cocked your head to the side as you gazed up at his face. “Oh?” He nodded and brought a hand up to his chin, the manacle on his wrist jingling slightly. “The thought of you…leaving. It does not please me. At all. I find myself getting rather angry at it. I had heard of feelings like this, but did not believe in them.” 

His confession threw you for what felt like hours. His intense gaze never left your face as he watched you take in what he’d said. “I…are you saying that you care for me?” You could have smacked yourself at how unsure you sounded. He nodded once but then his brows furrowed. “Perhaps care is not a strong enough word. I believe what I feel for you is deeper. Much deeper than simply caring.”

You felt your entire body heat up. Was he really saying what you thought he was? “Beorn? Are you telling me that you might love me?” He thought for a moment before confirming your words. “Yes. My love for you has grown, I believe, much like the blooms you have tended to. A tiny idea, a seed, of what life could be with you by my side for the rest of our days began this and now, like your flowers, I feel something blossoming and maturing in my heart that I have long thought was incapable of such things. And now I need to know if the same can be said of you. Do you-Could you…love me?

A smile crept its way to your lips before you could stop it. Beorn simply stared at you until you realized that you hadn’t answered him after nearly a minute. “Beorn, of course I could love you. It is possible that I already do and have been denying myself the joy of it, thinking you would eventually tire of me and I would have to leave.” You removed your gardening gloves and slowly reached over to take one of Beorn’s hands in yours.

“We could live a thousand ages and I would not tire of you,” he admitted slowly. You beamed up at him as tears of joy pricked at your eyes. Beorn smiled down at you but suddenly stiffened. Your brows furrowed as he straightened up and sniffed the air. “What is it?” you asked in confusion. 

“Orcs. Get inside, bar the door, and don’t come out until I return.” You knew better than to argue. Instead, you merely agreed and Beorn turned to leave. Before he got too far, you called out to him. He glanced back at you over his shoulder. “I love you,” you confessed. He smiled again. “And I you. Now go. I shall return.” You quickly ran inside, the door barely closed behind you when you heard the growling of a great bear. “Be safe,” you whispered. You had no idea that, very soon, a company of dwarves, a wizard, and hobbit would change your lives completely.

(a/n: I hope I did Beorn justice. I have one more request for him on my list)

Forever Tags: @fizzyxcustard @brewsthespirit-blog @sirkekselord @aikibriarrose @lady-of-lies @motleymoose @stories-by-shanna-p @dark-angel-is-back @esoltis280 @supernatural4life2022 @asgards-princess-of-mischief

Tolkien Tags: @jotink78 @thealbersclan @evyiione @legolaslovely @justcallmecinammon @wingedlandwasteland

[a-cat-in-toffee]

I originally wanted to talk a bit about Wight and David, and Wight's first "death" because some things have had me thinking abt them but! turned into general wight backstroy talk. <3 warning for discussion of gore and blood and generally wight having a Bad Fucking Time. MUCH LONGER THAN I MEANT FOR IT TO BE, AS THEY ALWAYS ARE....

so Wight and David have the normal distance and weird William and David relationship growing up. They're not close but they're not exactly hostile, y'know? They're less like family and more like acquaintances.

But then William dies. He gets in an argument with his parents and runs off into the woods to try to calm himself down, despite the rain. He slips and falls and falls into the chaos zone and his body and brain get all fucked up. It's still raining by the time he first comes back, not exactly knowing how to deal with the chaos in his body.

He's scared, he's bleeding, and he can tell something about him is wrong. It's dark out but he tries desperately to get home, stumbling through the forest until he gets back. It's hours later than he had left. He manages to get himself into his bathroom, finally seeing the gash giant gash on his face.

Now, head wounds bleed more than anywhere else, but he doesnt know that. He's freaking out. The skin itself is coming apart. So he searches for the first thing he can find, grabbing a stapler and stapling the pieces of his face together.  It doesn't help, even as he tries desperately to clean up the blood.

His parents are asleep, and besides, he can't go to them with this. He's not sure he can ever go to them again. does it make sense? not really, but in that moment its what he's convinced of.

David, though. David, for some reason, he decides he can go to.

He calls David, asking him to pick him up, still very much so freaking out. When David comes to get him he's hellbent on getting William to a hospital, but that just makes him freak out more He's wrong. there's something wrong with him, they can't know.

So David manages to get William back to his apartment, gets a towel around his shoulders and some of his wounds fixed up. Whatever William did to his face seemed to have worked, but it certainly wasn't pretty. William notices the way David keeps wincing when he looks over.

William lives with David for a few tense days, before he can't take it anymore and runs away. He had honestly assumed David had told their parents where he was, and only found out he had been declared missing, and later dead, further down the line.

Wight lives on the streets for a long fucking while, going through crisis after crisis as he starts building up his personal around him. lashing out and feeling out his powers, forcing himself not to be scared of them. But he's fucking terrified.

But he still doesn't know how to control them, not exactly. Something goes wrong, and something goes up in flames. People die, and a warrant is put out for his arrest as a powered individual. He stays on the run for a few months, figuring out how to use his powers and building up his reputation, until he's inevitably caught.

It doesn't matter, though, by the time he arrives at rockfall supermax he's already settled into being Wight. He has to be calm, he has to be in control, he has to be so manipulative. It's the only way someone like him would survive, afterall. He's had that proved to him over and over again.

David knows. David knows that Wight is William, and Wight is beyond angry when he finds out, because not once did David try to step in or help him. Just silently observed while the people who should have saved him and helped him manage this horrible thing that happened to him lumped him in with villains and murderers and threw him in prison. All of them failed him, why should he have any sympathy for them?

[asheimmortal]

In the latest chapter of my insane life, I'm in Oregon and not dead because of a band I found on TikTok.

I pretty much summed it up in a video I have pinned on my TikTok but basically I was getting burnt out in Chicago of having men scream at me and threaten me daily for just existing, my license was going to expire with no address to keep it, I got a bogus ticket with passengers in the car who said I did nothing wrong, and I said fuck it and left Chicago to off myself.

But I ended up getting into a shelter back home but that was going to be limited to when my car's registration expires. And after 2 HUD denials among another avalanche of shit falling down on me like it did in Chicago, I took off for Oregon.

But here's how it went...

Even back in Chicago I was still trying to process things I still can't fully process, and the idea was to try to find some reason to live, something to help my mental health, and I had the idea to try to just get back to me, who I was before life started really shitting on me and kicking me when I'm down all the time. That's when I bought the guitar (again) in 2021. But as things got worse, just having a guitar again wasn't enough. But I had still made up my mind to be a goth until the day I die and not ass kiss or people please or try to appease anyone anymore.

But I got deeply depressed in the shelter in Morgantown even though I was grateful to have a place to stay and shower daily. But I was horribly depressed, felt I'd never get anywhere, I'd never get HUD, my time was limited to my car's registration, the discrimination laws had passed in WV to where evryone from HUD to a Walmart employee could deny you service.

But during this time there were several people on TikTok that just watching them helped a little. All musicians and bands and one who just sings. At least I had those lives to look forward to seeing late at night.

But then I came across Fangbanger on a live playing in their garage. I thought they looked interesting enough to watch. I liked the energy. The comments were funny. People kinda make fun of them in the comments but the funniest was someone said Löded Diper. Haha. Sorry can't help that made me laugh. But I thought they were cool and I liked the music.

Their name stuck in my head though. I told someone about having seen them on live and that person told me it's a term from True Blood for people who fuck vampires and I said that's exactly what it sounded like to me - vampire fucker. Hah.

Then I saw them on live a 2nd time where they had mentioned what their band name was before and I couldn't remember what it was when I looked them up on YouTube to hear their stuff again. But I really liked it. Vertigo was my first favorite and something I could relate to. Things were just going downhill. Something I've already been crucified and slandered horribly over. But there were like 2 weeks of just being yelled at and shit on by someone I truly loved and like always, I try to hang onto things for dear life, I couldn't let go. I never wanted to let go. I never thought shit would end up this way.

Then I saw Fangbanger on again where I got it this time, to look up their stuff under The Faint Endless. And my 2nd favorite became Disappear. Which was about the time that was the real beginning of the end. Being told that it's selfish, arrogant, prideful and conceited of me to love him and have the feelings that I do. So fuck that! I've never been so hurt in my life and I've been told since the 4th grade by -everyone- that I'm too ugly to love, have no business liking guys, that its wrong for me to want someone special in my life, and I make guys miserable just by looking at them, and all that fucking shit. So Disappear REALLY fit the moment. Then came the shit storm online. And the 2nd HUd denial. And the choose between your car or the shelter. So I did disappear! I fucked off all the way to Oregon! Don't fuck with me!!!!!

But I really fucking love Fangbanger! I've loved their music, their energy, there's just something I connect with. I've thought that they're like what I wanted to be when I was a teenager and always wanted to have a band that would be something goth-punk-goth. Like a dial with Fangbanger on one side and The Sisters of Mercy on the other, and you can turn that dial for just the right amount of moodiness or anger. Or something like that.

But meeting them was surreal. I've met Jamie (Twiztid) like 100 times over, I've had a million beautiful moments over 5 years that got flushed down the toilet, nuked, and shit all over again, but the moment I met them just felt unreal. It was great. I'm shy too. I saw Ven at a distance and didn't want to shout out "Fangbanger!" in case it wasn't any of them and some stranger just thinks I'm crazy. Lol But it was her and she called the rest of them over and it was just so wild! They're also the first people altogether that I've met off TikTok. And I can't believe I got to hang out with them! They were sooooo nice to me too! And they are cool af to see live. I don't think I have the words to say just how great they are all around, as a band and as people.

I attempted to tatt one of their logos on me today using the kit I haven't touched in 3 years. Low confidence with my skin being super weird. I hope there's at least a line I can trace over if/when I have to touch it up. Fingers crossed 🤞.

For real, I fuckin love Fangbanger, I can't say enough good things about them, and they really pulled me out of the depths of the darkness I was in and I'd have been found dead in my car in the woods of West Virginia if I hadn't had something to run towards. They're the fucking best.

❤️💙💜🤘❤️💙💜 P.S. 3rd favorite...finding their older stuff on SoundCloud... I was parked for the night at a rest stop here south of Portland and first time I heard Death in December I just fucking cried.

[perpetual-fool]

Sharing, tired. I could use some encouragement, except I don't think there's anything anyone could say that I could believe.

Making personal progress, working on a humidifier, feeling bad about my life in a general sense.

I'm mostly just tired from having expended all my mental resources trying to cobble together a humidifier, probably. Context: It's cold outside and thus dry inside, boiling a pot of water on the stove is not sufficient, we had a regular humidifier until I found mold on a spot that was hard to clean, and virtually every humidifier I can find has moist air moving through a non-cleanable part, usually getting pulled into the fan. At this point, I have a space heater blowing air through a standing rack of paper towels which is sitting in a pan of water. It works well enough. I have learned that evaporative cooling doesn't work particularly well unless the air is hot, box fans are built for volume rather than pressure, and capillary action only pulls water up six inches or so. Hypothetically, if a 'stair step' pattern would allow the water to keep climbing, maybe you can just stack cooling racks with towels wrapped around them. Even if it doesn't (it's too slow if it does), capillary action will pull and siphon liquid down, so it would definitely work if you put the reservoir on top. You could even make a capillary sump that would keep the bottom pan from overflowing. Practically though, unless you already have all that junk I think the most cost-effective option by far would be to get a portable induction burner, just boil water more effectively. (new problem: condensation on the windows)

Still feel bad about the whole thing despite the progress.

Personal business, I have a system for overturning bad ideas which is mostly sound. Five steps: find a reason it must be wrong, explain why people would believe it anyway, identify precisely what the concept is, refute by contradiction on its own terms, and replace the concept with a better one. There's lots of little bits of nuance with it, I'll make a whole post about it later. But it's been days of work, and I have many more days of this ahead before I can even start thinking about the next step. Literally, negative thoughts are overriding my ability to think. I have a seemingly endless amount of fires to put out before I'm going anywhere. It's frustrating to have improved only enough to upgrade to mild suffering. I'm not shut down but I definitely can't stop all the bad feelings right now. I've worked out that the "piece of shit" or "you deserve to die" thoughts are probably a rationalization of my feeling of being unvalued, which is itself probably a core instinct. Monkey brain feels like if people don't like me then I'll be exiled into the wilderness and eaten by a lion, or some such. Despite having some experiences which unambiguously demonstrate that I have value it doesn't feel like good can ever make up for bad. I think those are different processes, like there's no actual 'good-bad' axis, rather there are 'good-neutral' and 'bad-neutral' axes which are often conflated. Which means it doesn't matter that I've completely overhauled how we do things in the kitchen, if I boil a pot dry then I'm a piece of shit. I find it particularly triggering when I'm upset about something, and I have a lot to be upset about, since the standard method of communication is lies and manipulation, and since I am actually some flavor of incomprehensibly smart. Also there's the usual suite of autism shaming, et cetera.

Currently I'm only better enough to feel bad more acutely.

And my life has gone badly and 'wrong'. I guess mostly it's shaming about various things. Like, the other day I saw a post which triggered some bad memories, essentially I was trying to connect with someone from high school but I didn't have anything new to connect over than what I had back then. So they had grown and I hadn't, and what a pathetic piece of shit I am. I could argue that that was fair because of trauma and dysfunction blah blah, no one gives a shit unless it's them. They have maladaptive habits and need guidance, but you are just being an asshole because you're innately evil and/or stupid. That's been hard to address. Context, one of the main ideas I've been using to explain "why would people do that if it's wrong" is that others are working on the hypothesis that bad behavior is a result of bad intent. (Don't think that's likely but it's complicated.) But I realized I essentially believe the other side of that coin. They were too kind to do something bad, that horrible situation must have been my fault.

More fairly, I'm depressed about my lack of progress. I don't do anything besides this. I basically had no volition of my own until I was thirty and have spent the time sense just trying to figure out how to put myself back together. I'm supposed to have a successful career by now, at least two hobbies, a whole library of media that I enjoy. Instead, my youth was sacrificed to no one's benefit, I will be forever disabled only because humans despise communication, and I only enjoy things in theory. Unless I revolutionize every field I touch, there was no point in my even being here. I should be dead. I should never have been born, I should have been put down in elementary school, I should've killed myself in college. I'm aware making a narrative out if things is foolish. Really, The Bearded Man put me here to test the girl from high school, can she overcome the double empathy problem and learn to be understanding and compassionate to someone neurodivergent? No, she failed. My role as a background character has been fulfilled and I have been thrown away to rot wherever it is characters go when they're written out of the story. Seriously though, the idea that 'real life is an open-world RPG' seems like a helpful way of thinking about things. But I don't have a way of thinking about things yet.

Next goal: a coping mechanism that isn't alcohol.

[magical-girl-saki]

{ Saki wasn't running anywhere specific, just desiring to get away from everything for a moment. Just run off, cry for a while, and then come home when she's calmer. She'll talk to Tsukasa when she didn't feel like blowing up at everything }

{ That isn't what was going to happen }

{ At one point in trying to get away from her brothers Saki tripped and fell on to the ground. This only caused Saki to cry louder now that she had scraped her knee. Great. This is just her greatest day. She couldn't help but scream in frustration as she cried and curled herself into a ball }

ROOOOOOAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR

!? h-huh....?

{ Saki didn't realize that she had gained the attention of something because of her crying and screaming until it was too late. Saki struggled to her feet, wincing in pain from her scrapped knee. It was only now she was somewhere so extremely nightmarish and wrong she could barely comprehend it }

w-where...!?

{ Loud footsteps were heard as an equally nightmarish creature looms over her. Saki's eyes widen as her legs shook uncontrollably. A real life terrifying monster outside of her comprehension }

{ So this is what a "Witch" is... }

TOYA! TSUKASA!

{ Saki screamed out her brother's names. Now hoping, begging, that they followed her. That they can hear her. This is all too terrifying that the argument they just had was the least of her concerns. Now she realizes that she doesn't want to die }

PLEASE! I'M SORRY! PLEASE TELL ME YOU CAN HEAR ME!

{ Saki tried to run again, to get out of this scary place she's trapped in. To get far far away. But her leg hurt so much that she couldn't run far. The witch effortlessly swatted her with a terrible force directly into a wall. A magi may be able to survive that, but she was no magi }

{ Saki falls to the ground. Her head pounded. She coughed heavily. She couldn't feel her limbs. Blood pooled beneath her. As the witch slowly made its way back over to her Saki realized it }

oh... i'm gonna die here...

{ She got mad at Tsukasa for almost abandoning her, but here she is right after. About to die and abandon him forever. Guilt overwhelms her now. The last thing she said to him before she dies is that she doesn't want to talk to him. She said all those things she didn't mean. She's just a horrible sister... }

{ And Toya– he made his wish because he wanted her to live. He cured her illness so she could live a normal life. And now that's all being thrown away. He wasted his wish on someone who was just going to die anyway }

{ And now... mom and dad are waiting for— }

Saki! I found you in time!

{ Saki looked over in shock as the white cat her brother's hate appears in front of her }

you...

Listen I understand your brothers have made you think I'm unable to be trusted but I'm here to help you! If you make a wish to live you'll be able to survive this and return to your brothers

wouldn't that be a...

Yes. I want you to contract with me Saki Tenma

but...

I understand you brothers don't want you to contract but I'm afraid this is the only way you can survive this is by contracting. Do you think your brothers would really prefer a Dead sister to a magical girl sister?

a-ah...

{ The witch was getting closer. Saki was running out of time }

{ She needed to make a choice}

i want to live.... i wish..... to live.......

NGH–!

{ Saki let out a scream as there was suddenly a pain in her chest. A yellow light bursts from her chest as the blood pooled on the ground returns inside of her and bones reform. She gets reaches towards the light and clenches it in her hand. She rises back onto her feet as her clothes change into something similar to what Tsukasa was wearing when she saw him fighting that stranger. Her hair curled into drills and she was now wearing a scarf that resembled the wings on an angel or perhaps a bird }

{ It was as if her body was moving on it's own as she raised her arm and ribbons appeared around her. The ribbons shoot out towards th witch and traps it inside as it wails and screams. Saki's breathing becomes more uneven as the ribbons becomes tighter around it. Suddenly Saki screams }

DIIIIIEEEEE!!!!!

{ Instantly the ribbons become sharp and cuts the witch into chunks. Black ooze pouring everywhere until that ooze and the labyrinth around Saki disappears. Now it was her and a grief seed in the middle of an alley way }

ah... ahahaha... haha........ hahahaha......

{ Saki detransforms and falls to her knees. She collapses on the ground, now unconscious with a magi ring on her finger }

[persefoneshalott]

continuation to this post about Grantaire and Nocturnal amaral album, in the album order

TAKE ME FAR AWAY (LLÉVAME MUY LEJOS)

If my life is going downhill and I can’t stop it. If days pass you by at full speed. If it seems like I’m looking for something that can’t be found. If I believe I’m going back and I don’t get anywhere. If this is the path we should take.

Lift me up to breathe the liquid oxygen in your lips I want to sleep to wake up in a parallel universe a refuge in another dimension.

If we’re fighting alone and we can’t win If everything was clear before the beginning If this is the path we choose to walk If this was your will

...... SOMETIMES YOU WIN, SOMETIMES YOU LOSE (UNAS VECES SE GANA Y OTRAS SE PIERDE) I've hung on in the exit line Until I hear that shot that marks a signal But the panic of failure holds me back, Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose.

I've looked into the depths of your eyes, With dilated pupils, like a tunnel without end.

..... WHAT KEEPS US UNITED (LO QUE NOS MANTIENE UNIDOS)

I give in to your way of saying no to the current that took us away United, incandiscent like torches who set on fire everything they touch United in the contradiction like the sting to its poison

We were like a molotov cocktail gunpowder burned by time The last endangered species that's what we are and will be

As if I understood what we are or will be what keeps us united and increasingly more defenseless increasingly more dry increasingly going further until we melt like icebergs

Every day I die then I resurrect from the dead and I'm unstoppable

...... THE FOG (LA NIEBLA)

I don't want to sleep I want to stay awake If you could see me Navigating through the fog

I don't want to look back To turn around If only you could light my way through the fog

.......... LABYRINTHS (LABERINTOS)

Where is love and its destruction? Where is euphoria? Where is depression? Where is the country of our senses, Of every beat, of every breath?

Where is addiction born? In the labyrinths of our imagination.

Half dazzled, half visionaries Under the banner of now or never, There's no answer to your questions, Only a vast sea of doubts Where does it howl, the animal that keeps alive, What we once were? Where is real love? In the labyrinths of our imagination. In the labyrinths of our imagination.

If we're asleep or if we're sedated, If we're the living dead or only slave And there's no answer to your questions, Only a turbulent sea of doubts.

............. SCRAP (CHATARRA)

Last night Written on my face Free me from this hangover

Why else did you come? If there's nothing here Only emptiness and scrap

Tell me why the streets Are deserted, I can't see anyone Tell me why my legs Won't support me, if you know

Tell me why my mind Is divided in two halves Tell me why my life Has stopped at this moment

Everything is lost You were whispering to me At six in the morning

........ IN THE WRONG TIME (EN EL TIEMPO EQUIVOCADO) And you going in desperation And you going in a rush We're just like caged animals We're the same, only anxiety/yearning moves us

We've grown up with clenched fists We're the masters of an imaginary country

I'm asleep with my eyelids sealed you're hanging like Christ upside down They want to see us domesticated, trained, anaesthetised

............. NIGHT OF KNIVES (NOCHE DE CUCHILLOS)

I don't know you, but you're coming to find me, An army of shadows in the Night of Knives. I know that you're coming to find me You don't want to leave me alive And what did I do? I only wanted to be myself. You're armed to the teeth While I'm not yet dressed. If you want to be a soldier I prefer to be a kid.

Accepting I'm your prey and Emigrating to another planet Where you won't mark my door Where the people's soul Won't go out with time And there won't be a moral At the end of every tail And there'll be things More important than money. Where I won't be strange Just because I'm different To you

[joylinda-hawks]

He didn't deceive me. Cheng Ling, do you trust me? WOH, episode 32, part 2. The Battle of Bailu Cliff continues. WKX proudly opposes the alliance. WKX talks to the Scorpion King. WKX tells him that he has experienced many bumps and falls in his life, but he didn't expect that he would fall for the Scorpion King's trick. The Scorpion King says that in war all tricks are allowed, he explains that WKX wants to deceive others, but he does not want to be deceived himself. ZJ tells Scorpion not to waste his time on WKX. ZJ then turns to WKX and says that it is not he who wants to kill him, but God himself. WKX responds vehemently, saying he wishes he had been so merciful and killed ZJ to avenge his father. At this point, the SS speaks up and says that Zhen Ru Yu was an honorable man, but unfortunately he had evil spawns like WKX. If he sees him in the afterlife, he will definitely be ashamed. SS explains that he is the brother of WKX's father and it is his duty to kill WKX to save his honor. He adds that he will clear Brother Zhen's name. WKX wants to say something to ZCL, but the boy interrupts him. ZCL tells WKX to shut up. He shouts that he will never forgive him for killing his family and wants to jump down to present-day WKX, but the SS stops him. WKX says so be it. ZCL looks down on WKX. WKX says he should not have attacked the Zhang family. He adds that ZCL's father did not do anything wrong to his father. WKX asks ZCL to kill him and avenge his family. ZCL wants to jump, but SS effectively prevents him from doing so. WKX says he is tired, if ZCL wants to kill him he won't attack him. ZCL shouts at SS to let him go, SS tells the boy to stop. ZJ and others are watching this. SS says he can't trust ZCL with this devil's words, because he's going to die today anyway. The SS says they won't let the boy go anywhere. WKX promises and asks ZCL to kill him because he won't lay a hand on him. ZCL calls WKX a liar, accuses him of constantly lying and constantly lying to ZZS. Before ZCL can add anything, ZZS appears and says that WKX didn't cheat on him. ZZS walks to the edge of the mountain where ZJ and the others are standing, looks at WKX, then turns to ZCL and asks the boy if he trusts him. SS tells ZZS to stop confusing the boy. The problem of mutual trust. WKX continues his game with the alliance members and taunts ZJ with the Scorpion King. Everything was going well until ZZS appeared. I don't know if WKX expected ZZS to be on its side. ZZS is happy that WKX is alive and is ready to sacrifice a lot to save it. It's a beautiful scene when ZZH as ZZS appears among the hated crowd and tries to convince ZCL. It is a beautiful display of brotherhood between two kindred spirits.

[keefiswhoiam]

October 06 - 2023 Friday

10:29am

I don't have any will. I don't want to do commissions even though I'm falling behind. I don't want to workout. I don't want to work on my world. I want to rot.

I'm literally only a burden on others but I keep wanting support. Like I deserve it. I actually just need to go lay in bed and shut the fuck up until this is over and maybe I can pretend to be normal again.

I wish I could end my pitiful existence already

11:19am

I'm pissed because it could be so nice to be alone getting my work done if I didn't FEEL alone. If I could just stop feeling like my life and relationships were falling apart at all times, that would be great. I start to feel peace working alone but then I remember that afterwards I get to look forward to more empty room, no friends, and self sabotage. Whats the point in doing anything when it's all crumbling down. Why would I care about income when I'm going to be miserable either way.

12:27pm

Something that really irritates me is how often I still think about my "ex". I base and compare a lot of what happens to me to the time I talked to him and hung out in that group. I want to move on because I don't look back on it fondly, I often find myself hating him and that stupid group. Whether it was my fault or not, that entire situation was toxic to me and seemingly him too. I always think about all the ways I was taken advantage of and the ways I did wrong too. But sometimes some part of me still feels like I belong in that group attending Friday events and hanging out with him. Sort of like I'm just taking a big vacation from it all and will come back eventually. But I won't, and I don't want to either. I think the reason I feel like this is because at least for a time, I felt like I actually belonged somewhere and haven't felt that way since. I feel like I blew my one chance fitting in anywhere and now I'm just a free radical until I die.

I feel incapable of sustained genuine human connection. I don't know if I'm autistic or if I've been damaged enough that I can't recover. Either way it is hell, I feel alone no matter what I do.

12:12am

Getting my act together tomorrow (real).

Also I hate using my journal for this BS I vented earlier. Its my journal and I can do whatever I want with it but it doesn't always seem healthy and I hate looking back at it. I'd rather stick to making objective accounts about what I did throughout the day with maybe my thoughts sprinkled in.

[creataav]

a (to me) weirdly comforting short about death

big tw about death and like “where do we go when we die” questions— that kind of stuff can make me super anxious but i’m writing this as an exercise in comforting myself about it. memento mori and all that. stay safe!

~~~

She’d never learned how to be afraid of death. How she was raised, she’d been told, whenever a teacher or peer was confused by how frequently it managed to weave its way into her stories and art. Death was everywhere, and she knew it, and she wasn’t scared of it. Wasn’t scared to call attention to its perpetual presence in every waking moment of anyone’s life.

She didn’t blame her parents for this. Technically, she didn’t blame anyone, because blame implied that she believed that there was something wrong with being comfortable with her own demise, which wasn’t true. It wasn’t a fault to know that one day, everything ends, so no one took the blame for it. Her parents were as scared of death as the rest of the world, although she supposed that it might be different with them. They had an entire human child to look after, which would most likely be hard to keep doing after they went to wherever we go when we’re gone. So, even if there was blame to be assigned, it couldn’t be pawned off on her parents quite so easily.

The truth, frankly, is less than interesting. it didn’t stem from anywhere in particular. Perhaps she’d read too much Edgar Allen Poe as a child, or watched The Addams family before she was old enough, or some other tiny, not-quite-benign detail that no one would have reasoned could lead to such an impressive lack of fear.

Now, I feel like I have to clear something up for you. This girl didn’t want to die. She wasn’t suicidal, wasn’t hurting herself, wasn’t at all curious of what lies beyond this moral coil. She had a lot to get done in the realm she was in, and she wasn’t interested in leaving until she completed as much of it as she could. The lack of fear didn’t feed desire. Just confidence. She lived every day with the knowledge that one day, she could stop living. She went to school, and when she was done with that she went to work, and when she was done with that she went downstairs, and when she was done with that she lied in her bed, waiting peacefully, having done whatever it was she wanted to do. She knew she could die. It was one of her first, flyaway, passing thoughts in each morning. I could die today. The thought wasn’t echoed with a particularly loud heartbeat, or that odd sinking feeling that sits in most of our stomachs when we hear such thoughts in our own minds, but an odd sense of calm, of purpose. OK. Then let’s live. So she did.

[neo-shitty]

hope you dont mind me popping in to your inbox to scream abt whc1 bc you are truly the only person out of my friend circle that has watched it 😭😭 first of all

facts. he can do no wrong.

second of all its been days and i am still processing like this has never happened to me before ?? usually i am a lil :// until the rest of the day when i finish a sad drama but with this im just so heartbroken still. yesterday during a big mental breakdown (unrelated to the drama i am not THAT crazy ok) i realised why it hit me so hard and i think its bc i somehow relate to sieun (anger issues and all /j) and so i somehow projected into his character and so when it all went down with suho i just couldnt deal w it ?? I LEGIT HAD A MINI PANIC ATTACK it felt like it was happening to me 😭😭😭 like he was such comfort for me. he broke the cycle of loneliness and stereotype for sieun and i just really adored each interaction they had. the fact that they would both kill and die for each other makes me bawl my eyes out.

but when it all comes down to it, i understand beomseok, i really do, but i also dont. i dont think ill ever forgive that character, i just cant. i cant imagine how it must have felt for him and i couldnt be able to deal w life either if i was in his shoes, but my brain just cant grasp the lengths he went to hurt people that did nothing but care for him and tried to help him with everything. he's a complex character for sure, one you have to analyze to get, but i dont have it in me to have a single ounce of sympathy after the ending of the drama.

but to think that the parents and the adults were truly at fault here ?? beomseok being abused, sieun abandoned and neglected, suho not really having parents around either (i read somewhere that they are canonically abroad or something?? not too sure), the policemen not taking sieun seriously at first, the teachers seeing the shit happening and not doing anything to stop the bullying... where were everyones parents when all those kids got caught up w the gang? its truly sickening and heartbreaking to think that this truly could be happening anywhere and to anyone.

and it broke me so much bc i could accept beomseok drifting away from them and stuff, but to gang up on suho on his fucking birthday? sieun cooking and decorating with young yi and taking pics for her insta (i strongly believe her and sieuns friendship is SO underrated they were so cute together) and both of them just hid it from everyone to protect suho,, their sunshine ??? the poor boy must have been so confused and lonely on his bday and it makes me :( and then when he saw sieuns cast and went to avenge him ?? I read something about how suho always fought only in self defence but when he saw sieun hurt he crossed the line and fought with the purpose of hurting somebody only bc his best friend was put in danger and that- that broke me.

also i find it funny how i found the drama through a clip on tiktok where jihoon cried at watching the last scene where sieun breaks the window and i was like oh this should be just the right amount of sad for me rn and then i got emotionally damaged. :,)

yeah anyways my fav trope is found family and FUCK all of those who hurt my sunshine bc now im forever heartbroken.

sorry for the rant toffee but it did felt cathartic to write this all out

bar, please don't worry about it. feel free to come back any time you have to yell about it and i'll try to get back to you as soon as i can.

sooho was just too easy to love. we headed into that show blind HAHA we should've known it was too good to be true! i never saw it coming actually.

same !! took me days to get over this too. *hugs* i'm sorry about the mental breakdown, i hope you're feeling a bit better now !! oh the projection must've made the whole thing twice as hard. again, sooho was such a comfort character :( his happy go lucky nature was such a breath of fresh air esp when the themes occasionally got dark. i want that dynamic for me actually (to kill and die for each other, yes). i usually find it corny but it was so well executed here.

oh bumseok :( i think it's valid to simultaneously understand him but at the same time, find what he did unforgivable. i get where he was coming from and how he was just looking for a place to fit in—where he wasn't looked down on. idk how to describe it but when he started misreading the situation (like that whole bit abt sooho not following him on ig but following young yi), i think something in him snapped. he was so fed up with being helpless at home and at his previous school that when it happened a third time, he did everything to get back and lashed out.

I 100% BELIEVE THE ADULTS WERE ABSOLUTE SHITTIEST NEGLIGENT FUCKERS AROUND. like???? leaving a scamming syndicate to be dealt with by high schoolers?????? bumseok's fake ass politician dad??????? sure, sieun's parents were 'present' but emotionally distant, like check on your kids bitches or not have them at all god dAMN. i thought some of the aspects of the bullying were exaggerated bc from where i'm from it never gets that bad but hearing that to an extent, it was truthful about it just left me dumbfounded. how could parents allow things like this to happen under the radar? it's unbelievable and heartbreaking to me.

yeah, i thought bumseok would just join his cool boy squad but he really had to do whatever the fuck he did :D my girl, i know you read my tags and i was vile as fuck towards him but at the time i was just so angry too. also yes! youngyi and sieun's friendship <3 i wish they had more time </3 and honestly, if bumseok didn't do a whole 180, i think the four of them would make such a cute squad. like the way they would protect each other??? hmp :/

'i read something about how suho always fought only in self defence but when he saw sieun hurt he crossed the line and fought with the purpose of hurting somebody only bc his best friend was put in danger and that- that broke me.' i saw that the other day and that broke me to fucking hell i could sell anyone's soul to see them together again (SPECIFICALLY, with the other one being fine and out of comatose yes i would love that for me.

ohhh, i've been meaning to watch that vid of them reacting to whc1 but at the time it didn't have subs. jihoon's acting was so fucking effective like??? the sadness the eyes of that man has can sway me to do anything !! so sorry that you got so much more than just a little sad bout. heading into this drama blind was like bringing a knife to a whole war.

this show made me realize that tragedy could strike any pairing on any show and i wouldn't bat an eye but have the same happen to a found family and then i'm instantly destroyed. THE SHOW ACTUALLY REMINDED ME OF YOUR CHENJI FIC????? FUCK. please do let me know if you ever get around to writing something related to them haha i'm ready to be destroyed.

please do not ever apologize for ranting especially about this show !! i went through this whole phase ALONE last year (watching it after christmas was the biggest mistake, i ended my year DEPRESSED as FUCK) so i'm offering as much help as i can.

[vesora]

3D Unfavourable Circumstances: Experience Ramble + Reminder

We have all heard that the 4D is the source reality which the 3D then projects.

What happens when undesirable circumstances occur in your reality?

The past few days I have been feeling incredibly shit because of some circumstances and I fell down a spiral of self-loathing, wanting to hide from the world and just leaving life. When something bad happened, I said to myself omg sora youre so unlucky, your life is so shit all the time, no one likes you sora, sora you will die alone and I revelled in that. I immersed myself in that feeling because it was so comfortable to me because pain was what I felt for a long period of time so I actually started chastising me for it. I didn't understand how I manifested these bad things to happen and I felt like a failure in manifestation because why weren't they going away? The thing about me though is I always had both a good view and a bad view of myself so my mind was in a constant fight with each other. With LOA, I now learn that I can choose to give power to only the good side until the bad side dissipates away.

As one of the unfavourable circumstances happened, I let myself feel anxious but in my head I also affirmed against it. "Wow I am so lucky. I am having such a beautiful day. I love life so much." Usually I wouldn't let myself revise because I felt that was important in my development but now I just let go and choose my happiness FIRST. I can learn lessons and still be able to revise any desired events.

when any circumstance happens,

the 3d looks to YOU for validation.

A misconception we have even if we know the law is that the 3d is indicative of our success or not when in reality its only job is to reflect what you believe. When you're in any circumstance, the 3d looks at you and sees your reactions whether you accept it or not and then reacts accordingly. If things don't rectify immediately, do not worry, KEEP PERSISTING. Its only job is to fulfill your beliefs, right or wrong.

What if you react to the 3d?

It's really okay if you do. Your manifestations are not going anywhere. If you can in the moment though, affirm against it. It's not easy, it can be hard even for me but you must only focus on the new story primarily. Dont worry if you think ab the old story don't worry at all, you're still manifesting everything!

When I went through a self loathing spiral, I realised people around me were more prone to picking fights with me because I was unable to let that shit go. I kept focusing on how people are mean to me and how people don't understand me, forgetting I am the cause AND the solution.

I opened a healing meditation and my body was rejecting it at first but I finally let myself relax. Once I got into a calmer state, I started affirming good things and things were back to normal again. Progress might not be linear so do not give up.

Tldr; the 3d looks to you for validation. you are the only influence for your reality, use this power to be happy. it's ok to react to the 3d, remember to revise later. Do something that calms your body. Remember not all thoughts are true, only accept the thoughts you want because you choose which thoughts are true so choose the good ones. Youre not a failure, your body and mind might be going crazy sometimes but that doesn't mean you're a failure. Just affirm against it, whether its at that moment or later.

Don't overthink things. If bad things happen, stop asking yourself why, just focus on the 4D and leave the 3D alone or know that it must change and your pain is temporary sweetheart. It will go away, it must. Life was not made for suffering. Life is supposed to be easy. I love you and hang in there.

[multifandoms27-blog]

If you have time, could you do some scenarios of four of the TFP Decepticons (of your choice) taking care of their Fem Human S/o while she's on her period?

Absolutely, anon!! Thank you for requesting! <3

~*~*~*

Decepticons included: Megatron, Dreadwing, Predaking and Starscream

Content: Fem! reader, as stated above <3

Warnings: Some profanity

Notes: I always picture the Transformers in a smaller version of their bipedal mode to actually cuddle you with. ALSO this is my first time writing for Transformers for the first time in a while, so this might be shitty. I'm sorry if it is <3

~*~*~*

Megatron

I think we can all agree that none of these mechs will know what the hell you're talking about, girlie (when it comes to periods)

But he's gonna pretend like he knows

Later on when you're not around, he'll research

He's the silent supporter

He'll just grab you some meds, heating pad, hot water bottle, anything you typically need on your period

He wont even ask what you want, he just gives it all to you and just hopes that you'll use it lol

If you want cuddles, he'd most likely give a throaty chuckle (THIS MECH DOES THINGS TO ME I CAN'T-) and go "yes, dear." before giving you what you want

AAAAAAAAA PLEASE MEGATRON PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE JUST A C R U M B OF AFFECTION?!!

sorry. lost control of myself for a second.

He'd cuddle you from behind, obviously being big spoon (BECAUSE WHY WOULDN'T HE-)

BIG servos on your tummy, gently massaging,,, mmmmmm

i need to get a hold of myself I AM SO SORRY-

Dreadwing

Girl you're gonna have to explain to this himbo what human anatomy is, much less what a period is

He wont cuddle you (mans is not a huge cuddler in my opinion-) but he WILL give you moral support

"You're doing great babe" he says from across the room as you're dying

BUT ITS OKAY cause we love him. people still love him right?

He'll be sure to get you meds though. Just cause he's not a cuddler doesn't mean he doesn't love you

"My pain is your pain babe" he says, making you glare at him

Wont understand anything you tell him at first until he looks it up later

He's relatively chill about it, doesn't really see a reason to make a scene about it

Predaking

Another himbo

Except this himbo is a WORRIER

The stereotypical "But babe, if you bleed for seven days, don't you like...die?" kinda mindset, which is why he worries

He doesn't exactly understand that its normal and you're used to it by now, so he's constantly thinking "what if something goes wrong?!"

When you tell him about the wonderful savior that is heating pads, he decides "oh shit, I'm your heating pad now" and will cuddle you whenever your cramps act up

Megatron can wait

You can't

At least, to him <3

Unlike Megatron, Predaking will face you when you cuddle. Or, well, he's curled around you. Dragon form or bipedal form.

You'll be laying on him, pressed into him. He feels like a heater, so you wont be needing your heating pad anytime soon lol

he doesn't know how to massage, but he'll learn if you want him to rub your tummy, or anywhere else that aches

Will give you many kisses, and lull you into many naps <3

Starscream

Oh man

This himbo will act like he knows everything, when he obviously doesn't

"Starscream no, I'm on my period"

"So? Just pee it out"

AKHDHSJGDFSH HE WOULD SAY THAT-

You'd probably lose it laughing I know I would and he'd be all pissy cause you're laughing at him

When you actually explain what's going on, he's a little more sympathetic

Super distant though until it's over cause you laughed at him >:(

Piss baby

Until he misses you, then he gets clingy

It's very confusing and he's all over the place which is NOT helping your cramps

He's screeching about something and you just want him to shut up. Kiss him, girl. Make him cuddle with you cause cramps are HORRIBLE.

DON'T. HAVE. HIM. MASSAGE. SHIT. With those claws, NO. That's gonna do you more harm than good.

Starscream is physically clingy so if you reject his touch he's gonna be all pissy, so just give him kisses as an apology