#🕰️.psychosis

[clockwork-dandelions]

Wi recently have been realizing/learning that wi experience hallucinations and delusions; and it's bringing a lot of things into question. Particularly about myr identity.. and I wanna talk about that a bit.

TW talks of hallucinations and delusions; including mentions of nonhumanity, bugs, shadow people, unreality.

Additional Warning.. I lost the plot and this doesn't make much sense.. I'm sorry :(

(I'm gonna switch to I/me 1stpp for simplicity sake but this is a collective experience for the system.)

My Experiences

First, let's talk about myr alterhumanity. I've felt for years, since middle school, that I aren't human. At least, not entirely. I live in a human body but inside.. I'm something else. It took me a while to figure it out but when I did, it just clicked. I'm a fox therian. Something about it just makes it feel like that's what I'm supposed to be. I'm meant to be a fox. But I'm not. And I know I'm not. That doesn't change the fact that I am a fox. Sometimes, when I'm feeling particularly "fox-y", I can feel ears on my head or a tail wagging behind me.

Around the time of high school, I had another feeling arise. Similar to the first, I felt something shift. I wasn't just a human. I wasn't just a fox. I was something.. more. Again, I dug and all I found was rot. And something in that felt Divine. I was the embodiment of decay. I was an angel.. a god of pestilence. My being, my mere presence, would wreak havoc on those around me and I both relished and loathed it. I felt like I had a better understanding of my place in the world but I hated the implications. This particular sense of identity waxes and wanes throughout and comes with its own bits of.. phantoms. I can feel bugs beneath my skin or rot slowly covering my body.

Around that same time, I began to believe that I had some.. special ability to help people. I thought myself a healer but for whatever reason I couldn't "unlock" this ability. It had been deliberately hidden and locked away from me.

I also experience things that have nothing to do with my identity. The ground shaking (purely tactile atm), walls moving like water, shadow people in the corner of my eyes, feeling watched and observed, a clock ticking in my head, feeling like myself or the world around me wasn't real in one way or another. And I have experienced these things for ages. I would say.. possibly middle school at the latest.

The thing is.. none of it bothered me. Not truly. I knew logically these things weren't real and I could, for the most part, identify the real versus the fake. Yes, it did occasionally get distressing when one of these cropped up during a moment of traumatic flashback but for the most part? It was just a thing I was experiencing. And it's always been that way. I don't pay a lot of mind to it and I'd never been in a place where it's safe to.. indulge(?) in these delusions or hallucinations.

It wasn't even until this last year that I even started asking for verification on whether something I was experiencing was real.

Part of this is because I stopped dissociating as much or as heavily. I finally became safe enough to let myself rest and experience everything I had been pushing away for my entire life. This, unfortunately, did cause a lot of this to suddenly become "worse". When you stop dissociating away from your problems, suddenly everything comes back tenfold and you become aware of what's been happening.

Yay healing! Boo worse problems!

This does mean that a lot of these experiences have slowly become distressing or changed in their.. presentation. Like my tactile hallucination of the ground shaking has gone from a train passing by to a visual minor earthquake.

And I don't know how to deal with that.

I don't know how to deal with the fact that things are getting worse or what this means for me or where I'm meant to fall within the community. I feel like I can't talk about these things due to them only recently becoming distressing and my general awareness that it's not real. My beginner level understanding of psychosis says that a key factor is not being aware that the hallucinations/delusions aren't real or based in reality. So what does that mean for me? Where does that leave me? I don't know and I think.. that's the scariest thing to me. Is that I don't know what to classify this as or how to deal with it. I have no community to lean on for help or advice or anything because what is this?

[alawbywyd]

Love going back to Pulp songs and remembering more from the gig

[auntymurda]

WONDERLAND, House of Female Psychosis: Untitled. 2024

🗡️🧸🕰️❤️‍🩹birthed in photoshop, zBrush, and other programs. created by yours truly, Me.

inspired by Dave LaChapelle, Lil Kim, and Chloe Cherry. (It’s not supposed to look exactly like Chloe, y’all)

[moonysprettypoison]

“These boots are made for walking and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these days, these boots are gonna walk all over you.”

“Creativity and psychosis often go hand, in hand. Or for that matter, genius and madness.” ⋆𐙚₊˚☕️⊹♡🕰️ ✩₊˚.⋆☾🎞️⋆⁺₊✧

[orpheanaxis]

this is not a place of discourse. it's for goofs and plurality thoughts only. i use both i/me and we/us to refer to ourself.

Facets (⭐ indicates frequent fronter)

Orpheus ( ey/em or hy/hymn/hys / 18 ) 🐚 Core

core, knows very little about hymnself, really likes religious & classical imagery

⭐ Antonio ( ey/he / 18 ) 🫀 Ideal/Blanketself

sort of an aspirationally-derived facet? cool dude. objectively the most put together (or tries to be)

⭐ Ambrose (they/he / 18 ) 🦈 Socializer, Protector

usually fronts to deal w family, trauma & disability stuff

⭐ Tombstone (he/she/they/ey / 18 ) 🪦 Socializer, Optimist, Cringe Holder /hj

usually fronts to deal with friends. jokingly referred to as "cringe holder" bc they are very "cringe culture is dead" radinclus punk

Mikayel ( ey/they / 18 ) ✴️ Spiritualist

facet that deals w faith. doesn't post much here but very important to us

Georgia ( she/her / 5 - 12 ) 🧁 Little, Trauma Holder

childhood facet, doesn't front much but she's cool & likes emoticons :>

Ignazio ( he/they / 25~ ) 🚬 Parative, Emotional Processor

paragenic, technically 123 years old in-paracosm, almost always tired & very gay

Khronos ( he/they/neos / ?? ) 🕰️ Parative, Symptom Holder

paragenic, tends 2 deal w psychosis stuff. really likes quantum physics

Lucifer ( any / 23 ) ☀️ Parative

oldest para, kinda intense but cool & very devoted 2 their beliefs. she's not the devil that's just his name. sometimes self destructive

Marko / Anger (he/they/ey maybe it/its? / ??) 💀💥 Persecutor

sort of an embodiment of anger but generally chill. not mean, more protective and argumentative. but also kind of violent. also a skeleton!

Ren (ey/they) 🌕

caretaker

[clockwork-dandelions]

One thing wi struggle with a lot is the way myr trauma and systemhood intersects with myr psychosis and OCD.

Tw: extreme childhood abuse, psychosis, OCD, corruption, RAMCOA/OEA

Myr Trauma

The cult wi were raised in had some obsession with the end of the world. Particularly, triggering apocalyptic events and bringing about the end. Their.. "structure" was based on the Christian apocalypse, particularly The Four Horsemen.

Wi talked about this a little bit on myr alterhuman blog but each cult member goes through a series of tests and trainings before being separated into four different sects to continue more specific training. The different sects were:

The Path of Famine

The Path of Pestilence

The Path of War

The Path of Death

Each sect of the cult specialized in different things. Like The Path of Pestilence went on to become programmers for the cult. That particular Path involves a lot of corruption type themes.

I was put on The Path of Pestilence which plays into my psychosis and OCD. Most noticeably my psychosis.

Myr Psychosis

Myr psychosis most often presents as mus believing that myr body is decaying in some way. Myr bones are covered in rust. Myr blood is diseased. That wi're dying and no one else can see it or will believe mus. Sometimes it presents as mus believing that wi're spreading disease and decay to everyone and everything wi interact with. Sometimes it presents as mus believing that wi're a deity of decay and pestilence (which feeds into myr alterhumanity).

Wi don't know yet why wi experience psychosis or what is causing it, since wi just started talking about it with myr therapist, but wi definitely know that myr programming trauma feeds into it.

Myr OCD

Now myr OCD, I think, is pretty minor. Myr OCD is a mixture of programming trauma and trauma later in life. It mostly comes in the form of contamination OCD. Not being able to touch certain surfaces. Obsessively cleaning and/or needing things cleaned a particular way. Having to use hand sanitizer a lot, usually at seemingly random moments.

It's just.. sometimes wi find it frustrating the way myr mental health intersects because wi feel like it makes things a lot less clear to see and understand.

[clockwork-dandelions]

this is my temporary home, it's not where I belong

THE CLOCKWORK DANDELIONS

🕰️ bodily an adult (20+)

🕰️ collective pronouns are he/she/it

🕰️ collectively a lesbian and questioning gender experience

🕰️ trauma-endo, polyfrag, and wi hate syscourse

🕰️ no hosts and no frequent fronters so posts most likely won't be signed off ever

windows in rooms that I'm passin' through

Complex PTSD

Complex DID

AuDHD

OCD

BPD and/or DPD

psychotic symptoms

& probably more.

this is just a stop, on the way to where I'm going

I'm not afraid because I know this is my temporary home