#《 but he's getting existential and depressing so i don't know if that's really much better 》

[tuesdayscanons]

{¤} After decades of being in the industry, Bojack knows how Hollywoob can be. If you don't put your foot down, you'll be forced to make concessions and wear yourself down until you no longer recognize yourself. One of his biggest regrets is not using his power to stick up for Herb and keep him on Horsin' Around.

The last thing Bojack wants is for Mister Peanutbutter to do something he'll regret in the name of placating someone else. He deserves better than that.

"Do you know how hard it is seeing 'Piennabutter' this and 'Piennabutter' that?" Bojack groans, "It's not fair you two get such a cute ship name! What do we have? Peanutbojack? That's just my name with the word 'peanut' tacked on! That's not cute!"

Bojack feels the urge to argue more, but the feeling of Mister Peanutbutter's hand on his chest and the sight of pinned back ears causes him to pause in his tracks. Even if PB said some things he has qualms with, it's not worth it to get mad over it.

'Okay, Bojack—Get your head together! Do you want to get PB upset? Because this is how you get PB upset!'

There's more to this than media coverage and ship names. Focusing on trivial things like that isn't going to do Bojack any good. Whether Bojack likes it or not, he's going to have to open up about the real issue if they plan on nipping this in the bud.

Besides, it's not like Bojack can blame Sienna when Mister Peanutbutter is so attractive.

'Stop it! You can smooch him later. Get to the root of the problem.'

"I know I should probably stay offline, but what else am I supposed to do when you're out working with her all the time? It feels like I barely get to see you anymore...and we only have so much time left."

Ever since Bojack reached his 60s, he couldn't help but feel...different. Mister Peanutbutter views this cycle as an inevitability, a necessity to get through shooting. All Bojack can think about is all the time he wasted on meaningless sex and doomed relationships. Despite knowing PB is only five years younger, the fact that PB treats the passage of time so frivolously makes him feel much closer to Sienna's age than Bojack's.

Before Bojack can say anything else, he drags Mister Peanutbutter back to his car and unlocks the door, pulling him into the backseat and closing the door behind them. He wraps his legs and arms around PB, his nose deeply nestled in PB's neck fur. It takes a moment for him to find his words, but once he does, they flood out of him like water from a broken dam.

"I know I've been hesitant to be too vocal about our relationship, but I can't take it anymore." Bojack sighs, "I want people to know that we're together, without a shadow of a doubt. I want to be in cute couples photos and take you out on dates and go to your special events as your husband. Not your 'Pretend Husband', but your legally binding, 100% commitment husband."

Bojack pulls back for a moment, looking deep into Mister Peanutbutter's eyes. He probably shouldn't be this vulnerable after PB just finished a shoot, but he needs PB to understand where he's coming from. Maybe it won't stop PB from letting Sienna throw herself all over him, but it'd at least keep tension and resentment from building up.

Isn't this what couples are supposed to do? Communicate with each other?

"I'm terrified I'll go senile like my mother and you won't be able to visit me in the hospital or make decisions on my behalf."

There's also inheritance and whatnot, but there's not much left for Mister Peanutbutter to inherit, between Bojack being sued by Xerox and losing out on Horsin' Around residuals. Still, it's better to have those protections in place than risk PB losing out on something that should rightfully be his. It doesn't even occur to Bojack that PB could die first because it feels more than obvious who would be more likely to live longer.

"We can get the same rights through a 'domestic partnership', but if we're going to wear the rings and call each other 'husbands', we might as well go all the way with it. Y'know?"

Pulling Mister Peanutbutter back in, Bojack's nose grazes against his floppy ear. His hold on his 'husband' tightens, as if PB could slip from his grasp at any given second.

"I understand if that's not what you want, but...I'd really appreciate it." {¤}

✧   「   @tuesdayscanons   」   ✧  - Continued from ★  

「 ☆ 」 Alright, perhaps ❛ nasty ❜ was too judgmental of a word… but Mr. Peanutbutter still stands by his question! When one is used to lathering their tone in saccharine wrappings like the canine ( people respond better to jovial voices and smiling faces ) , even polite bluntness seems like a slap to the face. No doubt a topic where the two will have to agree to disagree. Frankly, PB is aware of this. He knows how BoJack operates. Understands that tact isn’t the horse’s strongest skill. He doesn’t mind it. Much. Loves BoJack for it, if he’s being honest.

Just not when it’s aimed at a co-star he’s going to be stuck sending months with. Especially one with loose lips, the actress prone to subtle smear campaigns should she be even somewhat disrespected. Not the first snake in the grass PB has contended with, which is why he knows how to handle it better than BoJack. Good a boy as he may be, even Mr. Peanutbutter isn’t immune to the fickle nature of Hollywoob. Best to smile, wag his tail, and count down the days until it's over.

❝ She wasn't ❛ tonguing  ❜ with me; she was talking to me... ❞ He begins, exasperated at even needing to HAVE this conversation; tail no longer wagging and ears pinning back in a mirror of his Not Official Husband's. Not that he doesn't get where it's coming from. Technically. Although, he'd argue he has just as much reason to doubt BoJack's loyalty, yet is careful to hold HIS tongue. But it's unnerving whenever they fight. Far too familiar to the friction that would arise between him and his ex wives. Especially Diane. ❝ And yeah, she was clearly flirting. But that shouldn't be an issue! Because I don't have any interest in her. ❞

Palms outstretched in front of himself in a gesture partway between pleading and placating, PB looks up at Bojack with the hope he'll understand... but not the expectation of it. ❝ But I do have to continue working with her... and I'd rather not have any bad feelings making that any more difficult than it already is. ❞ Shrugging with a look off to the side, he tries to downplay the severity of what that means. Since to him, it ISN'T anything of note. Why would it, when he's finally with the man he's always wanted? ❝ If that means letting Sienna have her fun and pretend she has a chance off camera, well— I don't see the harm in that. ❞

Yes he does, but it's still the better option than shutting her down outright. It's not like she's the sort to take it as anything but a challenge anyway. Refocusing his gaze on BoJack, he rests a hand on his chest and tries to ease his voice into something more gentle. Soothing, rather than the snippiness of earlier. ❝ It's only for a few more months and then the movie will be over and she'll move onto the next guy. Come on, Honey. You've been around, you know that's how it works. ❞ Perhaps not the BEST idea to bring up BoJack's past conquests: both forgettable flings and serious attempts at a lasting partnership...

But Mr. Peanutbutter is too focused on the ❛ people moving on from it ❜ part rather than the very blatant sexual aspects of them all. Or the constant of moving on from BOJACK... but it's hard to take that view into consideration when he's had his own string of failed relationships. It's not just a BoJack thing. It's an everyone thing. A them thing. PB just hopes it's also a pattern that has finally come to an end. 「 ☆ 」

[dodgeballstuckonthegymceiling]

cain, pomni and gangle with a reader that loves to draw...please....

I saw this ask and immediately thought of deviantart. Is that site still popular? Haven't checked since middle school.

Caine, Pomni and Gangle x artist Reader

Caine

★ Drawing is a great hobby that helps your mind release stress and anxiety, so obviously he encourages it! Providing you with all the tools you need and colors to paint. Anything to keep your mind from going insane :)

★ He probably has all the paintings you've made put away somewhere safe. Somewhere away from the usual cayos of the circus where he can make sure they don't get ruined.

★ After telling him some things you remember about modern art he has a lot of questions. You mean to tell him that a canvas with some blue paint on it sold for 3,100$? That doesn't sound right.

(I'm not kidding about that painting)

★ He encourages you to draw on the walls. There's plenty of space so have at it! The walls look so much better with some art on them, don't you think?

Pomni

★ Pomni isn'tas much of an artist as you but she understands the time and effort it takes to learn the skills you have. She can draw one hell of a 3D cube though!

★ If you know how to paint scenic art or even realism Pomni asks you to draw her some things. She misses the real world and seeing the grass and plants, even if just a drawing, helps her cope.

★ Even after seeing herself in the mirror a few times, she is still not used to her new body. If you draw her and show Pomni the finished product she has another existential crisis. I don't think she likes to look at herself that much.

Gangle

★ She draws too! Art dates? Art dates! The two of you give each other prompts and show the other the finished product. It's a nice creative exercise and a fun way to pass the time.

★ I like to think that she holds a pen or pencil by wrapping her hand (ribbon?) around around it because she can't hold it normally. Not the best way to draw but you gotta work with what you have.

★ If you want to draw her be sure to draw both of her masks. She has a hard time with the whole "split emotions" thing that comes with her body. If you only draw her comedy mask it might end with some conflicted feelings.

★ She keeps your old sketchbooks in her room, if anyone *cough Jax cough* hides them or destroys them she gets really depressed. You worked so hard on those and now they're gone! Tears will be shed :(

★ Her art style is a mix of 2000's anime and deviantart animals.

[swarmishstrangers]

feed us with mspar headcanons 🙏🙏

you get extra purple sprinkles if you do mspar headcanons with marvus

[[ explodes ]]

Oh. OH YOU WANT MSPAR HCS??? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?? HUH!!?...Ok teehee :}c

🍀Has a genuine caffeine addiction, not even playing. It's not so bad where they'll legitimately freak out and turn up the house if they don't get it, but they will get a KILLER, BRAINSPLITTING, headache from caffiene withdrawls + fatigue. Something they want to fix someday! But god...those headaches are hard to get over for them. They're supplier is, of course, Galekh. He really spoils them with the good stuff. He figures, what's the point in drinking coffee if it isn't the good kinds? He doesn't kick up a fuss if they ask him for a bad of whatever coffee grounds, he'd like for them to try. In fact, they bond over it actually.

🍀Kinda not great with comforting..with words! Their friend could have just vented to them about something that leaves them sobbing and Mspar, the fucking dumbass, kinda just there and is like, "Damn..that sucks, I'm sorry." They don't mean to sit around and twiddle their thumbs! Obviously, they try their best to comfort their friend, they just aren't always the most eloquent with their words so sometimes what they say can come out kind of strained and awkward. Much better with comforting people physically with hugs, rubbing their back, or letting them cry into them if needed. They just don't always know when they should deploy it? Cause trolls are so finicky and unpredictable to trying to gauge when it is or isn't okay to just be like, "Bring it in buddy, it's okay.." And go in for a hug or something. They think they're at least pretty good with discerning this for their closer friends.

🍀INCREDIBLY FUCKING LUCKY. Even outside of the initial control of Doc Scratch, and sure in some endings they die or it goes in a way it wasn't, otherwise? They're lucky. While there's definitely some existential stuff going on with them and who they really are, what they would be without their friends, had Doc Scratch not have been controlling them to some extent from afar..would they have ever really have even made any of the friends they did? They still consider it lucky to have even ever had them in their life. Outside of that, holy shit, how they survive some of the situations they do or are able to bounce back as fast as they do can be WILD to both trolls and humans. What they can they say? They just can't stop winning!

🍀Doesn't like working out tbh, they hate feeling so out of breath, they hate that taste of copper after having been running around for a while, that burning, itching sensation they get that feels like ants under their skin, etc. But catch them dead ever admitting it if it means that they can keep spending time with their more active friends, (Nihkee and Stelsa). Besides, in the end they know it won't kill them...er. Well, at least the jogging won't. Also it keeps those ROCKING legs in shape!!

🍀Did I mention having existential problems? I forgot to add they also deal with depression and dissociation problems smh.

🍦<- Be prepared to give me those sprinkles. Apologies in advance again, gonna try my best to characterize Marvus the best I can?? Aughh. Mspar I feel like, after a while, is one of those few people Marvus can trust to really let loose? Not as though he doesn't, but just like. More. He doesn't feel the need to look as pretty, to let those muscles relax (cause never really is, he's just really good at coming off as though he is lax). This feels GREAT if he was on a tour for weeks and he can just come back and be in the presence of someone who'll let him just chill out for a while. Pad Thai anyone?

🍦His sugar baby, his glucose grub, his uh. Insert other troll term for sugar baby. Jk!! Sort of..Marvus definitely gets them shit, and in return instead of something sexy, he gets their friendship cause DAMN Mspar!!! You pale friendslut!! You give them some cheap food and they're appreciative as fuck. But then again, they never ASK him for anything, they hate feeling like their mooching (even though they totally are and their friends don't gaf).

🍦Marvus sometimes does stretches, yoga poses, or these pretty contortionist poses. Mspar sometimes joins him for the stretches and poses part (hurt their back even TRYING to do the poses he does so effortlessly). While he's doing the more contortionist poses, sometimes Mspar gets stuck to places or tries on some places of his body. Think like..He laying down with his lower/middle back being bent with his long ass lanky legs in the air, then you got Mspar being airplaned by being held up by his feet. Adds a pressure to his body that he tends to like.

🍦OHH and uh, i've got one more for ya. Gonna admit, I don't know too much about chucklevoodoos or powers purplebloods tend to have, but um. Mspar has that ADHDtism, their mind is NEVER quiet. Always thinking, always running, so many thoughts, so many overlapping voices. It can be a real headache when they're just trying to rest but their brain is still active. I imagine on days when they're hanging out with Marvus, he can just..well, it's easy to tell. Cool fingers press to their head, rubbing over warm skin, claws teasing, biting as he scrapes them lightly over their scalp. Maybe he's humming with no real rhythm, but it's pretty all the while. They feel something be pushed, like their mind is being grabbed and like glass, something get's crushed (metaphorically), and when that hand opens it's palm, it's like all the sand in that dome runs out. And for once. They experience quiet.

[promiscuouspomegranate]

If you're not busy can I request a yandere shane from stardew I really don't see that much of him😸

Midnight Martini

“A little oneshot with some rambles toward the end.”

Oneshot TWs: Drinking, Existential Thoughts, Shane is Depressed, You got Drugged lol, implied abduction.

Ramble TWs: Alcoholism, Depressive Thoughts, and Yandere Behaviors

(You’re the second person to request something.. so I simply have to entertain the anon. I hope you like it.. I was sleepy writing this 😪)

º

“Do you ever drink, Y / N or do you constantly keep up the happy farmer charade? I’m genuinely intrigued by your little persona,” Shane smirked and elbowed me, “What happens at this lake stays between us.”

I nervously gripped the martini I ordered earlier and quickly chugged it. It was dry and bitter and overpowered my mouth with gin. I covered it and felt a burn in my throat. Shane, instead of getting a water bottle for me, laughed as if comedy peaked at this very moment.

“You seriously have never drunk before? Fuck, I didn’t know I’d encounter someone like this ever,” He took a swig of his bottled beer and wiped his mouth, “It’s kinda sweet.”

“Shut up,” I nudged him and groaned, “I was always the damn designated driver at work events and high school parties fucking sucked.”

“Oh, you can curse too? It seems my world is coming to an end,” He chuckled and set his bottle down, “I get it, though. I didn’t start until.. well, until some time ago.”

“I don’t get how you enjoy this shit,” I glanced over and realized what I said, “No offense, of course!”

There was a moment of silence between us, and the moonlight rippled through the iridescent lake water. I moved in a little closer and grabbed an unopened bottle of cold beer. I used the dock to pop the cap off and took a sip.

“I don’t even like to drink, honestly,” He sighed, “I only like the feeling of being drunk. It’s the only way I feel happy, y’know? So much shit happened, and life continued. I wasn’t fucking ready to man up, so I drove to the closest gas station in ZuZu city and came him with a six-pack. I woke up the next morning with a throbbing pain in my head and vomit in a bucket, but not a single memory about the shit that happened to me. It’s.. it’s become a ruthless cycle.”

I took another sip and Shane grabbed his bottle. He gazed at my face and rubbed his stubble.

“Do you ever think this is it? All we have in life is a cycle of horrible feelings and emotions until we die? Yoba, I hope it’s not,” His voice sounded raw with emotion as he spoke, “I just wanna get better.”

“For what it’s worth,” I paused and thought about what to say. I set my bottle down and grabbed Shane’s hand, “You’re not alone, Shane. I don’t know what happened, and I would never expect you to tell me. I know what despair feels like, and you can’t help but think it all fucking sucks. That’s because it does. Everything is horrible, but.. but we have these ever so brief moments that make life worth living.”

He was silent and I decided to continue.

“When I first came here, I was depressed. I lost the only family member that genuinely cared about me and had no fucking money, friends, or food,” I laughed and looked at him, “Shane, I remember approaching you, and you told me to fuck off. I went home and started sobbing because I felt like shit. I could’ve wallowed in my misery, but then.. I wouldn’t be here with you.”

Reality seemed to blur with desire and I selfishly leaned in closer. I brushed my hand across his face and his eyes glowed in the darkness of the valley. He felt warm and my mind felt fuzzy.

“I want to be here with you,” I murmured.

“Fuck you,” He whispered back, “Fuck you for being so.. you. Damn it, you’re not supposed to be a flirty drunk. I’m supposed to be making a move on you.”

Our noses touched and I felt my heart racing with intoxication and want. I wanted this kiss to happen and I wanted it to be with Shane. I quickly pressed my lips against his and pulled his head closer to mine. He reciprocated my feelings and wrapped his arms around my body. After a moment, he pulled away.

“That was a long time coming,” I slurred my words and grabbed his face, “I want more Shane. ‘S not fair to kiss me then pull away so quickly.”

“Oh, I know sweetheart,” He calmly replied and kissed my forehead. He stood up and put our bottles back in the cooler, “I’m just concerned about how you feel right now.”

“I’m fine,” I stupidly smiled and bounced up. My head was pounding, and the ground felt like it was swirling, “Just.. just sleepy.”

“That’s good to hear; you’ll be out any second now. It’s past your bedtime, isn’t it,” He pulled me into his arms and muttered, “Just go to sleep. It’ll all be better in the morning. We’ll be together.”

.

That whole scene would take A LOT of gifts and bonding to happen. I’m sensing a major inferiority complex and, “Oh, if I talk to them, they’re just going to think I’m some stupid drunk who can’t take care of himself.”

I think something terrible happened in his life that spiraled into his alcoholic depression. His parents refused to accept him after discovering that he had nowhere else to go but Marnie’s ranch. He’s stuck in the past and refuses to move on from what happened. He feels horrible and desperately needs to feel something other than self-hate and sorrow.

When you first approach him, he’s too absorbed by his grief to realize that YOU WANT TO BE THERE FOR HIM (like.. you don’t bite.) He tries to close off any form of interaction and conversation. Why would he deserve to talk to someone when he’s terrible? He’s too afraid of his flaws to let anyone close.

Yet, you insist on hanging around like some incurable parasite. Shane feels startled when he finally realizes you want to be with him. Here’s this kind farmer who thinks that HE is worth something. He hasn’t felt proper affection in so long that his feelings spiral immediately. He finally has someone that makes him feel like he has self-worth and that he’s important.

He starts drinking less and talking to you more. As he sobers up more, his feelings are less intense but still linger. He wants you to himself and hates the thought of you falling for another bachelor. So, what better way than to take you late at night? Not like he could just ask you out himself.

Give this man counseling and a hug ⁉️⁉️⁉️

[shiraoyagi]

godddd as a DDLC fan the quality of mods is *so frustrating*

So many of them have, like, the seed of a fantastic idea in there, it's set up beautifully, and then it just trips and falls into the mud either because there's a blatant mischaracterization, or nonsensical storytelling presentation, or what have you.

There's one, maybe two, really good (extended length) mods, and I still have gripes with them.

Salvation Remake is ALMOST PERFECT but the Monika B plot is so much better than the SayorixMC A plot that I want to skip every single scene of it.

Also ironically re: your post, the FNF/DDLC mod is also very good lmao.

YEAH literally like yesterday, my friend and i were looking at this mod where it was about mc like... gradually realizing that he's in a game and him being self aware, and the set up was slow (paced properly) and looked somewhat promising at the start only for the characters to start jumping to conclusions WAY too fast and then there being a really mishandled scene about sayori's depression and then we stopped reading it 😭 it really read like the writer wanted to get to the "fun" part already at the cost of the pacing, and it was just a gradual decline in quality until it just became... not good. at all.

in general, i do really like the idea of mc having existentialism over being well.. a main character (and unsurprisingly, one of my favorite toby fox characters is kris deltarune, so that checks out)

and sorry for going on a tangent, i feel like he just does not have any fan content that expands on his character in a meaningful way? like he has a defined personality that also shows his supposed lack of personality since he's supposed to be nothing more than a vn mc, and i feel like there's a lot of potential to make stuff with out of that.

i tried dissecting a lot of his lines in act 1 (i haven't gotten around to going through the whole game again for this purpose), and i think it's interesting how he has underlying insecurities and also a definite sense of apathy ... which i think hints towards his "genericness" since he's supposed to be a blank slate for us to project onto (and therefore he would have no major goals, thus resulting in him seeming apathetic), but it's also interesting how this is warped in act 2 (and i haven't seen anyone talk about it?)

ignoring ddlc plus lore because i don't know how it would factor in here; mc in act 2 is interesting because i think, like the girls, something about him was modified by monika. i don't think you can chalk up his change in personality just to the absence of sayori in his life, because sure yeah while there is things like him feeling bitter when seeing groups of friends (due to not having any himself), his other actions suggest it's something else imo.

most prominently is his lack of reaction to situations, as in act 1, mc is always describing his feelings to us and remarking on how the other characters do things vividly. in act 2, his descriptions gradually become duller and duller, until he gets to the point of when natsuki sees yuri's dead body, all he has to say about it was "natsuki ran away."

additionally, he never interferes in situations where i think he would've in act 1, such as yuri's confession scene, for example, especially with how quickly he was to try and reassure sayori about her depression in act 1 (despite his conflicted feelings about the situation).

also we know the exact moment mc was fully gone, which is interesting. he thinks of some garble text right before natsuki shows up to walk in on seeing yuri's dead body, meaning that mc was probably conscious that whole weekend 😭 and just had to stare at yuri's dead body. which is. something. but besides that, the exact moment is at the end of act 2 when monika deletes natsuki and yuri and tells the player to hold on for a second, only for the interface to glitch out ... which might be part of why mc doesn't have a chr file, dan salvato not seeing him as a character otherwise . I don't know. help

[williamaltman]

So, I just finished Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe. Well I'm not crying right now which is disappointing, but I was sobbing yesterday and had to stop and go to sleep so now I just read the last 3% of it.

For context, I had watched the movie a little while ago, because I saw it being talked about on twitter a bit, and tbh I thought it was pretty meh? But I was curious and I saw so many people saying the book was so much better or, just so great in general so I decided to read it.

And wow did it not disappoint!!! I knew the major plot points but I didn't mind it at all. It was so easy to read, to get into Ari's head, to feel like we're a part of their friendship ourselves.

I love me some good amount of characters just reflecting about themselves and about their life, and well, clearly this has a lot of that. I always wanted to just keep going, to continue living with them, I don't know how to explain.

I'm so in love with like, everyone in this. These parents are probably the best parents in the history of YA stories lol. Dante is the perfect little manic pixie dream girl to fall in love with, but he's so believable and vulnerable, yet also strong at the same time. His feelings about his heritage is one of the things that keep him more grounded (and I kinda like that Ari isn't the one dealing with that). Ari in his teenage angst and existential dread was so easy to relate to. I felt for him at every turn, even when I was slightly annoyed. I actually can relate to so many things about him even if I don't think our personalities are actually that close: Having such a nice intimate relationship with my mom, not really knowing how to talk to and get to really know my dad, having those girls at school who bother you all the time and are kinda your friends. And well, being bored and depressed and not having many friends, if that counts. I also broke a leg a few years ago, so even the parts related to the accident...

I thought it was great that the book wasn't just about romance, both in how it's more about friendship at first, and in how it has so much else going on in Ari's life and his family and everything. Not because I don't want all the romance, but just because it feels so much like we're actually in Ari's life, getting to deal with everything that is going on with him and around him.

I thought the way Dante's sexuality was handled was very interesting. I like that they make it pretty clear that he's gay, even without saying the word. I like that he just says it to Ari, because in so many stories it's like a shared discovery between the two characters, and when it's not then one is already out when they meet. I always end up empathizing more with the character that's in that position, so I got protective (...don't even get me startes on what he goes through) and also just so... I don't know how to say but it's Interesting to have Ari's pov as the "straight friend" (who wr know it's actually not lol) during that.

Despite this being a romance, it has also sadly reminded me of my old best friend from school, who I just haven't kept in touch with. The way we just clicked, despite my reluctance to open up at first. I'm sad that we didn't get even closer and continued being friends after it. Mostly by my own fault.

Anyway out of this tangent, I don't think there's a single thing about this that I didn't love. The moment that really got me towards the end was when Ari's dad talks about the accident. "I think you love him more than you can bear". Witj the way Ari is clearly so against talking about it because he knows deep down that it's the proof of his love...

I think if I had read the book, I would have liked the movie more, just for seeing the book play out on screen. I thought the actors were pretty good and I imagined them reading. But it just doesn't quite stand on its own as a film. It needed like 30 more minutes or so, and like I've seen someone say, a book with so much inner monologue it's probably hard to adapt.

Either way, I'm so fucking glad that there's a second book!!! I'm so excited for it. I can't wait to just, see all their parents' reaction at their relationship. I am wondering how different is it gonna be in tone with them being together now? How are things gonna be handled in general? I'm so eager to find out.

[thekatebridgerton]

In one of your older posts you described Eloise and phillip as a single dad x magic pixie dream girl.

I was wondering if you could expand on this concept?

I've always wondered what happened after end of the book.

Honestly I need to read the Bridgerton Epilogues too.

I don't remeber when I said this about Phillip and Eloise being an example of the single dad x manic pixie dream girl trope. But it does sound like me. Mostly because to me Julia Quinn averted falling into the trap of making Eloise relationship with Phillip entirely two dimensional.

So we all know about the MPDG she's the female version of the hallmark hero. She's fun, quirky, outside the mold and seems to have landed on our hero's doorstep to cure his depression and make him feel like life can be fun again (then Julia said 'hey, what if the manic pixie dream girl had trauma after seeing her dad die and also had a family of wacky, equally traumatized siblings). Then we have the single dad, he's often overworked, depressed and his dubious approach to parenting has turned his kids into unruly brats.

Wait a minute, what do you mean that the resident MPDG has trauma? And a life of her own? so here's where it gets fun. Because as the story progresses we learn that not only was Eloise not placed in the story to solve Phillip's problems, she is quite frankly going trough a existential crisis of her own, and he and his kids are invertedly helping her trough it. Because we come to learn that Eloise is a lot more than this talkative extrovert who likes to give orders. She is deeply concerned about life passing her by and everyone moving on with their lives except her and she just really wants to find out if falling inlove IS actually something she's been missing out all along.

And it turns out that our depressed single dad really never had anyone to teach him how to be a good person, other than his brother who died. But he's been muddling trough and all this time the depression was because he simply has been beating himself up most of his life, for not being good enough or 'man enough' to fix everything that's wrong in his life without help.

And this is where we reach the deconstruction of the trope, because at the end of the story, Phillip comes to terms with the fact that Eloise isn't this perfect idealized woman of his dreams, I mean she's certainly brilliant and wonderful but not perfect. And that's okay, he never wanted perfect, he just wanted someone who would smile and maybe love him. He never expected Eloise to change his life but she did and he doesn't know how to go back to living without that.

And then we see Eloise, who never thought anyone would need her or appreciate her for all the things everyone told her were flaws, like being loud, bossy and energetic. And tho Phillip is not perfect, he does try his best to be better every day and appreciate who she is as a person, not because of how she's good at fixing his life, but because she's herself, a kind, friendly no nonsense woman with a heart of gold who can and will stand up for herself even against someone she loves. He's not her perfect one dimensional hallmark hero, he has a life of his own, and hopes, dreams and fears, outside of just pleasing her and being her husband. But he would do anything to make her happy and that's all she needs to build a good marriage.

It's very much real, in TSPWL how sometimes we idealize the people we are writing to, when we have never met them in person and build them up to be these perfect paragons of virtue and then we meet them in person and it turns out the manic pixie dream girl has trauma and the hallmark one dimensional hero, is actually just a guy trying to figure out his life.

Maybe that's another thing i love so much about this couple.

[cynth-madz]

Rant/Analysis about Geto lol

TW: mental illness (depression)

Thinking about how Geto's depression arc that led to him committing genocide was understandable but not reasonable nor justifiable.

One main thing about Geto was that he wanted his life and what he did to have a meaning. He needed a purpose to be a jujutsu sorcerer and continue living. If not, he saw no point to continue on (that was very existential crisis of him man).

His previous meaning for being a sorcerer was to protect the weak and whatnot, but that was only because it’s what was always expected of him, being one of the strongest sorcerers. When his entire worldview gets shattered during the Hidden Inventory arc, he realizes the cause he's fighting for isn’t for himself, but instead for other people. People that don't give a shit about him, people that don't even know jujutsu sorcerers exist, people that are the cause of curses in the first place. To him, he’s fighting for a cause that is detrimental to him.

There's just something about the feeling of being backed into a corner; you don't have any other choice but to keep going, even though you don't want to go on anymore. It's very obviously shown that he was depressed, and in the episode “Premature Death”, it's depicted in a way that makes you really understand where he is coming from. It makes you want to be mad for him, because it is honestly so unfair for someone who is still considered a child to go through all of that.

IN A WAY it kind of reflects our real world? There are a lot of problems in this world, and no matter how much you want it all to stop and go away, one person alone is not enough to fix it (this point is kind of shown with how Gojo as a one man powerhouse is still not enough to bring peace in jjk). There's that all-consuming hopelessness that eats away at your brain and really just kind of makes you go insane. You want to snap, and get angry, but what would that do? I think that's what happened to Geto, and what made it worse for him was the fact that being a jujutsu sorcerer was adding onto his pain -- swallowing curses, watching his friends die. He was stuck in a job that was killing him mentally, if not physically.

In this case, Geto had the power to snap and get angry and actually do something. He's one of the few special grade sorcerers (wtf happened to this word T>T) after all. But his goal of killing all non-sorcerers just feels very extreme, and, well, edgy I guess. It sounds like something you would say when you are mad at the world but not act upon it because it's a stupid ass idea. It feels like something you would think about during a mental breakdown or when you are spiraling. Geto had the power to do something, he was a depressed kid with wayyy too much power and Yuki made him realize that he could do something with that power.

One weird thing to me though, is why he didn’t do anything for 10 years. Maybe there was some lore reason that I forgot about, in that case feel free to tell me in the comments lol. 

If I had to write an alternate universe with a happy ending for Geto, I would make it so he left the jujutsu world like Nanami did because I feel like one thing he really needed was a goddam break. BUT it kind of still wouldn't work because Geto wouldn't want to leave his friends or other jujutsu sorcerers to die. He is a person with principles and feels tied to obligations. He that cares too much for the greater good (at least for jujutsu sorcerers). But he should have understood that even though you want to make the world a better place, you should first heal yourself from how the world has hurt you. 

[snufflepup]

I'm glad you'll check it out! Though sorry, I'm like kinda just ranting on about my favorite media in these asks -_-' but I can't wait to see if you like it! I like knowing people like the things I recomend^^ I loved loved Mike and Mal, but since I saw season one back a bit ago, I was a total Duncan fan girl (now fanboy lol) >.< he's just so!!!! Yk? Though his character development over the seasons wasn't the best :< I remember I liked Gwen and zoe a lot, and scott was cool too from what i remember. I used to hate Alejandro, but tbh he warmed up to me in the last season he was in, I think. And there's the book of Bill that came out recently, teasing at stuff, though. idk if anyone knows what's going on with it lol. And I think I might be fine on watching that video, it takes a lot to make me cry (not to try and be insulting or anything). I think the last time I cried was when my gf broke up with me, but I mean before that Idk when I cried lol.

I remember when I was 5, I'd cry every night cause I thought the sun would explode and we'd all die lol. I think tears would look cute on you, a cute little puppy face all puffy and wet with tears, ahh! It just sounds the cutest!<3 but yeah, I had existential dread at that age too, wondering whats the point in living if no one will really actually care. Thats why i wanna become a famous youtuber one day! Then everyone would remember me, or that'd be the plan. Though the older i get, the less i feel like that dream is obtainable for me. All that youtube cares about is clickbait and dumb shit, and i cant see myself gaining an audience cause i mean i post on my tiktok weekly and i struggle to even get 100 views, so its kinda depressing the more i think about it. I used to be so hopeful and excited to be able to share myself online and make people happy, but it kinda just feels out of reach now. And given I used to be a gifted kid, I mean I could have actually done something with myself when I was younger, but as I got older I just couldn't apply myself as easily and gave up on thinking entirely. I actually can't think at all because of that and just hope I understand the concept on the first try like before or I'm fucked lol. I'm actually sad now kinda and realized I just kinda vented to you- sorry puppy :<

-ike<3

It's alright ! I don't mind at all !!

I remember liking him in the beginning, but not so much later on, I understand what you mean about his character development didn't go in the best direction !! I'm really excited for whatevers going on with it ! I feel like I can get really emotional very easily at times, I wouldn't say that I cry a lot but . I kind of do at the same time . I recently cried over a video of someone talking about how they lost one of their pets, and the other one missed them a lot and stuff . I probably cried harder than I should have . It was so sad (◞ ⸝⸝ ◟ ) aaa ! I'm blushing . /pos

I think I had the same kind of thoughts, the memory is a little fuzzy now though, so I don't really remember exactly what they were. I'm sure if you keep at it, you can do it !! I think, from what I know at least, it's definitely harder than what it was at like the start of youtube and like you said it's all like . click bait and disengenuous and things like that, but I also see a lot of people talking about how they don't like it so I'm sure that means it's not hopeless ^–^ A lot of people also say you should do what makes you happy, and not to focus so much on views and stuff but idk ! I'm not one so take what I say with like a grain of salt !! Growing up is hard. . . I think it's okay to feel like things are harder now, because they are ! I don't think that means your not like, gifted or anymore, I think it just means things have changed . Sorry I don't think I made very much sense. . . I feel like I just said things, but I'm trying to say I think you are still important

I hope you feel better now ! I'm sorry this took so long, too

[illarian-rambling]

Here's a character of mine for the travelling game :))

Dave's just your regular old minimum wage worker trying to get by. He's got a flair for the dramatic, the ability to instantly guess how much change people need, and absolutely no love life. He's also a vampire, but please don't hold that against him. By and large, he comes across as a pleasant, mild-mannered young man who looks like he permanently needs more sleep, and he is all that with a side of existential dread and passive self-deprecation. If he could have one thing in the world, it would be a vacation.

Oh, and he could also do with some anti-depressants and more legislature to protect the rights of inhuman workers, but his insurance doesn't cover either of those.

Yay, Dave! I think my character who would best get along with him is Elsind

Elsind, in essence, is also just a guy. If they got their way, they'd love to work in a little bookstore somewhere and have fun going to see live music on the weekends. However, she lives in wild times and thus is an assassin for the Salis Legion of the People rebel group instead (not that she's very good at it, but she tries). She's also an anthropomorphic pile of goo that can scrape itself into a bipedal shape and copy faces, known sometimes as a changeling.

I think Elsind would be a little jealous of Dave's life. They've never worked a dead-end job before, so they wouldn't anticipate the omnipresent dread of standing behind a counter for hours on end, but they do know they'd much rather do that than kill people for a living. However, Elsind isn't the catty type. She would instantly want to hang out with Dave and ask him all sorts of questions. His flair for the dramatic would leave them very impressed, and once they found out about his abysmal love life, they'd try to set him up on all sorts of dates, as Elsind as a romantic at heart.

I think both of them could really relate to each other once they got to talking about deeper things. Elsind is from a place that despises changelings and treats them like toys, which is why they're part of a revolutionary movement. She'd try to convince Dave to keep his chin up, remember his own dignity, and demand better treatment.

So yeah. Elsind would love to be friends with someone normal for once (she's not worried about the blood thing, especially when she has none). It'd definitely be odd for them, being the spontaneous one in a relationship for once, but they'd lean into it and come in to chatter to Dave at work, or drag him on day trips in lieu of having any money for a proper vacation. I'm so serious when I say they'd do their best to get him a date.

Three cheers for inhuman creatures who are literally just regular dudes!

[kaddyssammlung]

The dark night of the soul

I will copy and paste something again. I just worte something about the dark night of the soul. Maybe you do remember my strange realization that I had in 2020?! I've been reading more about Carl Jung's take on the dark night of the soul and it kind of fits what happend that day.

To my ST familiy out there: of course I mention ST lyrics. How can I not.

Slight TW: mental health stuff

About Carl Jung. I wanted to write about him because I keep coming across his name. I prefer writing about what I know so the term dark night of the soul resonated with me immediately. Let's start with the end. Because the dark night of the soul is either the end of this incarnation on planet earth or it's a new begging.

It's being described as a “midlife existential catastrophe in which Carl was overwhelmed with visions and plunged into unknown depths (of his unconscious). It was as though he experienced a psychological death. He decided that outer death is better than inner death. He turned away and sought the place of inner life. And thus began the search for his soul”.

I like this. This is perfectly explained.

I had my first experience with the dark night of the soul when I was 15. The outer world had not treated me well and I had already a few years of struggling with depression, SH and an ED behind me. 15 is kind of too young for something like that to happen but some of us have already suffered in their childhood so much that we reach such lows at such a young age. I did not recover well from this event. I feel deeper into addiction. You can get stuck in the dark night of the soul. But everything serves a purpose “are you trying to live like everything is a lesson to learn?” Yes I do. I always have.

Something inside of was stronger so I carried on.

In July of 2020 something happened to me. I never thought about it as a dark night of the soul event but now that I am learning more about this I would say that this is what it was. I had a realization that shattered every concept that I had about my life and myself. I had something to do with my childhood. I don't feel like going into the depths of this.

Something inside of my died that day. It felt earth shattering. I have trouble giving any details because I don't remember much. I do have a tendency to dissociate when bad things happen and that is what I did. I don't remember the rest of the year actually. It's start becoming more clear again in may 2021.

Carl describes the dark night of the soul as an confrontation with the unconscious.

That is what happened to me that day in 2020. I became conscious of something that I had completely blocked out of my memory. I always had a feeling that there was something I was running away from, which manifested in addiction but I was too afraid of looking further into this direction.

“There is only one way to the soul and that is your way. There is only one salvation and that is your salvation. If the path before you is clear you're probably on someone else's. Each one must go their own way hence look into yourself.”

This makes me think of “I'm not here to be the savoir you long for”.

You are basically on your own when you go through this. I never thought of “but no one told you where to go” or “but no one told you not the breath” as maybe being part of that journey. You really don't know what to do sometimes but you are being guided through it somehow. At least that is what it was for me.

According to Jung the first step towards individuation is the integration of the Shadow. The Shadow is not our enemy but our ally. It contains pure gold waiting to be integrated into our personality. It becomes dark only when it is ignored.

So you can say that my addiction “career” started because I was unaware of my Shadow. That makes sense to me.

This makes me think of “you take the dark and carve me out a home” and also “if you want to give, then give me all that you can give, all your darkest impulses”.

Through a union of opposites wholeness can be achieved. It this process of unification our light and our dark side become integrated.

What was that again about not feeling whole? “fractured sense of self” “my life is torn”

According to Jung this process is an analogy for what alchemists do. For him alchemy means the art of expanding consciousness of self-realization. When we have lost our way we can only surrender to the higher wisdom of the self.

I like this because this is what I did. It's a painful process that has been going on for many years now. I tend to get stuck here and there and fall back. It was actually Vessels writing that felt like a mirror was put right in front of me. He made think of what I was still kind of not facing and running away from. A part from my Shadow self. It created a feeling of tension. This tension became so big that I finally started to face my Shadow. Thank you Vessel.

There is so much to explore here further, which I will do. I like this topic. It forces me to continue to reflect on myself.

[katyspersonal]

Headcanons on.... being justified? sorta

I threw a couple of headcanons in a salad so I could rate the Soulsborne men that messed with the things not meant for humans and got ridiculously big body count, from most justified to least

#5 Laurence - He genuinely cared for betterment of humankind, even if that meant great sacrifices and risks, although he took things to such a far point that these actions on themselves destroyed his humanity and defeated the purpose. He is a tragic villain! Good intentions road to hell all that.

(I will note though, I feel like BB was a bit TOO subtle on how things sucked so Laurence would have the need to change them - there are multiple evidences that are yet so scattered that on superficial level it can look as though everything was awesome and perfect and Laurence simply ruined everything! I really don't see it, especially considering how many things could've been wrong in Victorian era... Eileen, for one, arrives from plague-ridden place if her mask is of any indication.)

#4 Aldrich - He lives in the world that is rotting and doomed no matter what you do, he saw the only thing that offered at least some hope for escape and better era and seized it, no matter what it took. He is like.. in a position where moral principles are losing their effect, so everything goes. Similar insight to Rykard's, actually. (I can honestly give him a pass on enjoying his methods a bit too much like sadistic shit that he is, because how you he is feeling besides the point in this context)

#3 Micolash - His world likewise got fucked but what Micolash did was not simply going 'fuck this shit I'm out' and giving up on human values, but also provoking the process that accelerates the humanity's ruin and it can not even escape beasthood WHILE his ritual is ongoing, all so he (and anyone who """understands""") could evolve past human mind. Micolash has more choice and more hope than DS cast, he decided human values (and lives) were not really worth it!

#2 Allant - Not only he gave up on humanity and this world in his despair, but also ensured that everyone else feels this way too deep down and no one's lives matter, so he had to "open their eyes" lol. He is just willing to destroy everything through the same logic in which I used to agree with Frenzied Flame ending - that existence is fundamentally broken, as a concept.. And like, if other people still want to exist regardless of suffering, decay and existential loneliness? Well they're just "dumb" or something.... Very selfish stuff.

#1 Shabriri - The fucker thought the world had it too good and just could not live in peace knowing there was all-destroying power sealed, he saw "No tresspassing" sign and was not able to stop, so now even without Lord of Frenzy, the world still got inflicted with irreversible sickness that someone could get just by fucking being too sad or something. Basically I think he did not face crushing depression and dread that simply 'resonated' with the power of universal despair, but just, like they say, "did a little trolling". Partially I think that because of how his yearning for chaos sounds like manic wish to just see everything burn and not like despair. Partially because I feel like at least one time everything could be ruined by simple curiosity and not sympathetic motivation? But yes, Shabriri is THE worst.

_________________

Also there are complications of 'they unleashed it' vs 'the force beyond humanity called them and of course a human would not be able to resist' with some, which I tend to just write off with the "the call means nothing without the receiver" (so, even if you like saw a dream or found frenzied fingerprints, you could still just say no... so yeah, I did not use this factor in rating)

[jake-and-amy-are-married]

For the choose violence ask game: 1, 7, 14, 23 :)

OMG - thank you so much for indulging me haha pretty long answers below, be warned -

🔥 choose violence ask game 🔥 1. The character everyone gets wrong:

Uuuurgh this is tough!

I think as far as andor goes, everyone is a bit too harsh on Vel? I think she did the best she could in the circumstances she was put into - especially for the Aldani mission - she seems younger than a lot of her team, but she managed to keep them afloat pretty well, and she was a solid leader - the mission was a success after all.

I think as far as the MCU goes.... I have an entire desseration written about tony stark lol - like seriously SO MANY PEOPLE get him wrong! They either write him too arrogant or too lovey dovey - but forget the angst?? I'm not talking about the smaller bits of angst - I think it would be utterly scary and worrisome and MISERABLE and sad to live in his head.

Where is the angst?! Where are the daddy issues? Where is the "I was better than my dad since I was 4 so he HATED me and would have maybe even killed me so I latched onto to the other father figure, turns out he also didn't really like me that much, he was an enabler looking for a meal ticket?" where is the UTTER existentialism?! Where is the Cassandra levels of depressed screaming at the tower, chained, DOOMED to know the future but never to be believed?!

7. What character did you begin to hate not because of canon but because how the fandom acts about them? I don't know if HATE is the right word, but there are way too many dean stans in the supernatural fandom lol - the whole point is that they are all fucking fucked up beyond repair - Dean IS an asshole, and selfish a lot (in my opinion) - and he expected way too much of Sam, and Cas, and he was kind of an asshole sometimes - not to say that he didn't also suffer but yk - just opinions. 14. that one thing you see in fics all the time

3 letters - OOC.

23. ship you've unwillingly come around to

I would have to say I'm a bit boring when it comes to ships lol - I tend to ship the ships that are a little bit more obvious? and easy? like most of my ships have been pretty popular ones, I'm not sure if there's an answer here - I used to never really read destiel until Nov 5th, but I got it? Sambucky seems to be the closest, but even then I get it? most of my shipping opinions are pretty basic I think lol.

[breakingcatbad]

Why the Long Face (a personal fan narrative)

Introduction 

“When you find yourself lost and disoriented and underwater and you don't know which way is up, it's important to breathe” (Waksberg, R. B., & Santamaria, V. 2016). 

Television has a remarkable ability to transcend mere entertainment and resonate with viewers on a deeply personal level. For me, "Bojack Horseman" exemplifies this, as its poignant exploration of themes like personal responsibility, forgiveness, and self-improvement truly struck a chord with me. In this essay I will talk about how Bojack Horseman allowed me to begin to break bad habits and helped me fight my social anxiety.

Drowning 

 Since I'm lazy I will let IMDb explain the plot of Bojack horseman for me. Bojack Horseman is about the titular BoJack Horseman (a horse) who was “the star of the hit television show "Horsin' Around" in the '80s and '90s, but [is now] washed up, living in Hollywood, complaining about everything, and wearing colorful sweaters” (IMDb Writers 2014) 

But what does this alcoholic horse have to do with me? Well, let me take you back to when I was younger, not that much younger than I am now.

 I was someone who struggled to take responsibility for who I was. I'd blame others for my problems, never really looking inward to become a better person. In class, I'd stick to my four close friends, failing to connect with anyone else due to my lacking social skills. It felt like I was sinking in a pit of tar, with no way out. Even with my close friends, I felt extremely lonely, lacking any meaningful connections with those around me. It left me grappling with a profound sense of existential unease.

This cycle persisted into my sophomore year and deep into the COVID pandemic without any real change. But deep down, I knew there was potential within me to strive for something better, something more, rather than remaining stuck in who I was.

So, during the depths of COVID, almost by chance and perhaps as a means of escapism, I found myself indulging in the show about a horse with daddy issues. 

Attempting to swim 

From the very first episode, I felt an undeniable connection to Bojack—a washed-up actor grappling with the ghosts of his past. Like him, I had spent years wrestling with my own feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt, unable to confront the root causes of my dissatisfaction. This internal dissatisfaction spurred on a wave of social anxiety that prevented me from truly or meaningfully opening up to anyone, which only made me more miserable. Despite the outward appearances of a somewhat well adjusted person, I knew deep down that a sense of purpose, of authenticity, of connection was missing from my life. It was this existential hole that "Bojack Horseman" so poignantly reflected back onto myself that forced me to confront the uncomfortable truths lurking beneath the surface of my own life.

Throughout the series, BoJack's attempts at change are met with failure, highlighting the difficulty and gradual nature of personal transformation. It's a reminder that change isn't easy—it requires hard work and the humility to acknowledge one's own shortcomings. One of my favorite quotes from season two that helps exemplify this idea comes from a jogging baboon (not exactly a central character, he just jogs). He tells BoJack, "It gets easier. Every day it gets a little easier. But you gotta do it every day —that's the hard part. But it does get easier" (Waksberg, R. B., Aron Elijah, & Young Jordan)

With this wisdom in mind, I began to embrace the journey of self-improvement and began to climb what seemed like an insurmountable mountain in front of me. One of the first habits I tackled was my hygiene,which sounds boring, I know. Looking back, I realize I was probably dealing with some level of depression. I hardly left my room except for essentials like food or haircuts. Anyways, the first step I took was improving my consistency with hygiene. I started brushing my teeth twice a day and made an effort with skincare, rather than spending all day in bed doing nothing. It may sound small, but at the time, I felt genuinely proud of this progress and thus began the journey out of the abyss and into the unknown. 

Swimming As I kept watching the show and its seasons unfolded, I found myself pushing beyond my comfort zone. I picked up new skills like learning how to take care of suits, car care, and even eyebrow care (yes I am insane why do you ask). While they may seem trivial, these small victories meant a lot to me. It was also around this time that I began to prioritize my fitness.

What kept me going throughout all of this was the realization that if anything was going to change, I had to be the one to make it happen. I didn't want to follow in BoJack's footsteps, constantly blaming his upbringing for who he became. Sure, my own upbringing had its challenges (though I know others have had it worse), but I refused to let it define me. I wanted to become someone I could truly be proud of.

Once I understood the role I played in shaping my own life and realized I could distance myself from my past, I started making genuine efforts to change. This was a journey BoJack struggled with throughout the series, getting close to meaningful change in season 6 but often slipping back into old habits due to his past actions. Yet, what I admire about the show is how BoJack's actions always catch up to him, teaching me to confront my own habits head-on.

One of my biggest challenges in this journey was working out. Just to be clear, I don't believe that not working out makes you inferior to people that do. For me, working out became a way to build confidence and shed insecurities about my body.

In the past, I struggled with insecurity and faced hurtful comments about my physique. So, I decided to take charge and hit the gym LIKE THE TRUE MAN I AM. But let me tell you, pushing yourself to the limit six days a week isn't easy. However, I kept reminding myself that my actions would shape my future, drawing inspiration from BoJack's journey through rehab.

Continuing to work out and eat better, I started to see results. It wasn't anything dramatic, but it made a significant difference in how I viewed myself. This brings me to what I consider the final frontier of personal development for myself: dealing with my own anxiety

Taking a Breath

BoJack Horseman delves into depression, but it also shines a light on how anxiety often goes hand in hand with it. Throughout the show, BoJack turns to drugs and alcohol to cope with his anxiety, while his tendency to avoid difficult situations is often rooted in fear.

For me, anxiety has been a lifelong companion, especially during the chaos of COVID-19. It felt like my anxiety was this relentless force, tugging at me constantly. Simple tasks became monumental challenges. I'd shake just trying to swipe my credit card at the store. It was like my mind was on overdrive, overthinking everything and leaving little room for anything else.

I became trapped in this cycle of self-doubt, just like BoJack. But watching his journey made me realize something profound: my insecurity came from being too focused on myself. I was so worried about how I appeared to others that I couldn't truly connect with them.

In BoJack's journey toward redemption, he learns to think beyond himself and faces his fears head-on. That inspired me to tackle my anxiety. Now, I'm not saying it's easy to just "get over" anxiety—it's different for everyone. But I knew I had to try.

So, I started pushing myself into uncomfortable situations, knowing it would shape me for the better. And you know what? It worked. Slowly but surely, I began to see positive changes in myself. It's been a journey, but I'm proud of how far I've come. 

Conclusion

Bojack Horseman has had a profound impact on my life, not to imply that it has necessarily cured any of my vices, but I am proud to say I am in a much better position now than I was then. I have genuine people I can rely on, and I've made strides in improving myself physically, mentally, and emotionally. Overall, I feel like a better version of myself, and that's something I'm proud of. I am happy that I was able to come across this show when I did, and I am forever grateful for the opportunity it helped allow for me. 

[gurggggleburgle]

me experiencing peak lie down and die depression post having my car towed while christmas shopping and getting caught in a rainstorm where nobody who could come get me could even hear me over the phone for hours, getting an immediate rejection 30 minutes after having the first interview I'd manage to get since september for a job actually in a field of study, feeling like shit, getting my work hours cut down for the week, unable to pay rent, afraid of how I'm paying any bills this month as i have to avoid the construction workers at home because 1 started hitting on me and that really fucking freaked me out, being nauseous for 4 days in a row and eating cold leftovers because we don't have a microwave:

okay but consider binghe having an existential crisis when puberty actually starts hitting him and he's like 'oh no. what if shizun stops giving me head pats because i stop being small and cute. Shizun only ever gives headpats also to Ning YingYing. Shijie is cute and small and right now I am also cute and small...'

And then Binghe spends a good 3 hrs of circle big brain logic going 'if cute and small = heapats and affection than i must avoid full puberty at all cost! Otherwise Shizun won't love me anymore!!!!!!!!!'

Meng Mo in the corner being like 'you need so much therapy. It's puberty kid, what do you plan to do? Halt the aging process???'

And without an ounce of humor our boy looks to the camera and goes 'yes. yes i am. In fact, I'll do one better. I will reverse it.'

Meng Mo 'there are layers to this, kid. Layers that I just don't have the spoons for. Get help'

meanwhile Shen Yuan is just eating snacks and talking with Liu Qingge about monsters and shit when he hears something very loud in the other room and the two look to the door and go, "you're not going to check on that?'

'oh, Binghe's fine. He's probably just working on some little harmless project of his.'

Binghe is crying and throwing himself against the wall because he sees the start of facial hair, 'i'm a monster! A horrible hideous monster!!!'

"You sure you don't wanna look?"

"Fine. But i bet it's nothing."

Running crying into his cucumber man's arms, "SHIZUNNNNN. i"M HIDDDDDDDEEEOOEOUSUSUSUSUUSUSU!!!!!!!! *CRY FACE* CRY FACE*"

"What?"

"Look at my faceeeeeeeeeee! I've got horrible hair. I'm no longer beautiful.'

Liu Qingge is trying not to laugh. Looking at the baby whisp of a hair, "i'm sorry, but i don't get it? You look fine.'

'Huh?'

'Binghe looks fine. In fact, it means-' looking to Qingge for advice and getting nothing, 'it means you're becoming a man! How wonderous. And you know a mustache and beard can become fine distinguishing features for one's face. So cheer up. you still look as fine and wonderful as ever.' Headpat

'Shizun means it?'

"Of course, you silly thing.'

"this disciple understands and will do his best.'

Shizun staring into the middle distance wondering wtf that means. Binghe then proceeds to grow a full stache and beard with his baby face that looks awful and upsets everyone and one day over tea Liu Qingge looks him in the eyes and says 'you need to fix that.'

"I KNOW!!!!'

[ardendrifter]

My first thought is, I don't know how to Tumblr. 

My second thought is, I don't know how to social media.

My third thought is, I don't know how to be a human being.

And it's this last, unfortunately, that seems to stick with me.

So I take a bath and call my mom, because my relationship with my family's been doing better recently and I'm trying to talk to all of them regularly. Dad's a steadying force in my life so I try to get a few minutes with him every day; but Mom's always been better at fielding my existential dilemmas.

I ask her what she'd read, if I sat down to jot my thoughts down for a half hour every morning. Turned into a chatterbox at six months old and never really stopped, except for a brief period of moderate head trauma that made it oddly difficult to remember nouns and verbs--still kept most of my adjectives, for some reason, and prepositions were practically untouched. Swears safely tucked away in the reptilian depths responsible for grunts, growls, shouts of ecstasy or pain. 

So I ask my Mom, You've heard me yammer on for years. Which of my thoughts are the interesting ones?

And she said [...].

Well, that's the part that's hard to talk about. Do I remember what she said or not?

Start with the good advice, which I do remember. She sent me a meditation on insight timer and said, Try this for five minutes every morning while you're coffee's brewing. When you're feeling clearer, sit down with your coffee, set your timer for a half hour, and write whatever comes out. Don't worry about your audience. You'll find out something about who you are, and who's interested in knowing the real you.

Fuuuuuuuuck.

No idea what kind of conversations she's been having with my brother; but I just spent a week in his company, looking after you. I can't help thinking that maybe they didn't talk to each other at all, just spent time with me and noticed where the cracks were forming. They're both reasonably perspicacious, when it comes down to it.

And here's the part that's hard to talk about, the part I'm not sure happened.

She said--I *think* she said--that she and Dad rewatched "Girl, Interrupted" last week and there were ways the main character reminded her of me.

(I've never been diagnosed with a personality disorder. That's the truth. I've had no real reason for a Complex PTSD diagnosis, either. PTSD, yes. Depression, yes. A handful of anxiety disorders that change with the doctor prescribing the medication. A therapist tried to get me coded for DD-NOS, on account of the depersonalization and derealization issues, and I'm grateful to him still. But let's say I have PTSD. Let's say that no matter how much work I put into myself, that's the diagnosis that keeps coming back like a bad rash.)

I digress.

Here's what I think my mom said:

I think she said, You went through some things as a teenager here, and it's hard for you to always know who you are and what you want.

She said some other things, like that the one thing everyone in the family agreed on was that they wanted to support me in continuing to write fiction. She said she was happy I got to spend that week with my brother, because he was good for me and loves me fiercely, although he gets a little exasperated sometimes when he can't figure out how to help me. She said she wanted me to take the time to work out what I really wanted to do for work, whether it was nonprofit work or LGBT advocacy or coffee roasting or something else. She said if I only wanted to do it part time, so that I could keep writing, then that was not just alright, but something the whole family would support me with. She said I had a lot of life experiences, and that I'd experienced them deeply, and that I could do just about anything. 

I don't remember what all she said. I try to get it down in order and it tangles together with chit-chat about Grandma, and Dad off at band rehearsal, and the sewing class she's trying to take in her off-hours, and our respective forms of neurodivergence.

I try to write it down, though, because she's your grandmother and she adores you, and you should know what kind of woman she is.

I hope to document this year, River, because it is the year I transition. Thirty minutes every day, and maybe someday you'll read these words; or anyway, someone will.

I just put together my to-do list for starting that journey. I'm elated. I'm terrified. I'm thinking the list is probably lacking in granularity.

There are things I started to tell Mom about today. She broached the topic of my 10th grade experience for the first time in...years, probably. 

My brother asked me about it recently; it might have been the night of our cousin's funeral. Was it the next night? My sense of time remains uncertain. But we were sitting up late together, your parents and I, on the porch of the cabin by Lake Champlain where our cousins held the memorial service. I don't know if we'd had a frank conversation about my gender experience before--certainly not sober. But I told him I wanted to go on T, and that led other places, like the impact of the conversion therapy written into my IEP, that last year of public education. 

I had to explain what derealization was: I had no idea I'd never told him about all that. I have a vague memory of texting with him--perhaps once, perhaps twice--that year or two I was in therapy specifically for personality consolidation. I couldn't remember much about being fifteen, so I asked him what he remembered. He told me about what his life was like, and witnessing a few of my meltdowns at home. There were only two or three, I think. It wasn't a terribly dramatic breakdown that I had. Nothing was real, and then I was sleeping all the time, and then it got hard to get me out of bed in the mornings. But academically, I shone. My writing won awards.

There was just...no one in there at the time. I had a parent who pushed me and two parents who supported me as well as they knew how. I went to college two years early on a full scholarshop.

Only...I never entered another contest. Twenty-five years passed before I submitted another piece of writing for publication. 

I even stopped playing soccer. Competition made everything feel distant and strange, as though it were farther away than it looked.

What happened to get me into therapy--the story I told your father, my brother--was this:

I got a new GP. Same office, different doctor. A woman, this time. She took a fresh case history and bumped into the cardiac event I survived twenty-odd years before. And I told her, Conversion therapy was written into my IEP when I was fifteen.

She said, How long were your sessions?

And I said, No no, it was all day at school, and at the bus stop, and during extracurriculars. They calmed down a bit once I got a steady boyfriend. But it was still this constant surveillance--how I spoke, how I sat, how I raised my hand, what I read, what I talked about, how I walked, how I participated in class. It's one thing to fail at girlhood--every fifteen-year-old of that generation probably felt like they were failing at their assigned gender. It was the primary marketing tactic the Viacom-Industrial Complex used to sell us things.

But this was different.

I was failing at something nobody would explain, and all the adults around me were afraid, and nobody would explain what was happening or what I was doing wrong. I didn't know gay people existed. I didn't know a thing about transgender identities, except in little flashes here or there--the prophets Daniel and Nehemiah, who in all likelihood have no influence on your life, were castrati, and figures like Loki and Old Man Coyote switched back and forth from male to female. There was an older kid in school whose name I didn't know, whose gender I couldn't code by looking at them; but I took that to be a failing of my own, and I was too embarrassed to ever tell anyone. There was a sweet gentle kid I knew from my sixth grade class who never quite walked like a boy; and later, in seventh grade, he stopped coming to school. Some of the kids said he'd told someone he was a girl trapped in a boy's body, but almost everyone thought it was because he had a couple different learning disabilities, and acted more like a super-innocent third-grader, and spent most of his time playing games of make-believe by himself. And some of the kids said he shoplifted from a gas station so that he could go to juvie, because no matter how bad it was there it wasn't home and it wasn't our school.

I never knew the truth of any of those stories. I never connected them to my own experience of genderfluidity. Mom and Dad let me be what I was at home, and dress up however I liked for Halloween, and play any make-believe character I wanted. That's how it was. When I was in second grade, my class had more girls than boys, and when we split up by gender there were some girls--myself included--who would be honorary boys for the day. And other girls would ask me in the morning, Are you a girl or a boy today? And I'd feel into it and answer--but more often, I'd already be dressed as the gender I felt. So I learned something important about myself that year: I was a girl who was sometimes a boy. My best friend was a girl who was always a girl, and my brother was a boy who was always a boy, and my next-door neighbor was a girl who liked to pretend to be a boy, but woke up a girl every morning and remained a girl throughout the day, whether she played Peter Pan or Captain Hook or Smee. 

So until I was about nine, I used to tell other kids I could switch back and forth between being a girl and a boy, just like Loki, and sometimes I could choose which one I'd be but sometimes I'd just shift for a while, so they should ask which one I was. And that tapered off around fourth and fifth grade, but even in a conservative farming community none of the other kids acted like it was weird.

I was a girl who was sometimes a boy.

Simple, right?

In retrospect, given the culture wars of the 90's, it seems almost a miracle that I made it to fourteen before any of it came to a head.

And here's the truth: left to my own devices, I may have ended up vaguely butch, and bi, and probably some flavor of TERFy essentialist second-wave feminist. That's its own form or repression, in its way. 

But I wasn't left to my own devices, was I? 

The reality is that you can break down someone's gender expression and rebuild it in whatever image you like, but to make it stick you have to break down their gender identity too. And it's maybe the popular thing to claim that gender identity is immutable--that's certainly an experience people have, trans and cis alike. But believe me when I say that gender identity can be broken down like anything else about a person.

You have to break just about everything else about a person first, though, up to and including reality-testing.

And they did. They stripped away everything that made me a person--not just on purpose, but in planned, methodical fashion, with goals and dates and benchmarks. They kept meticulous notes on my progress. They did these things because they believed it was the right thing to do. And Humpty Dumpty never quite went back together again. I never felt like a girl or a boy or a man or a woman, and I never quite felt like a Something Else either. Gender was a rich subjective experience--a color to paint with, a way to play dress-up. On good days, it felt like a kind of spiritual attunement. It was a changing force for the rest of my life.

But I'm telling you a different story, I suppose. About my doctor.

I told her what happened. She was too professional to say, You know uh people die from that. But I wondered, then, if that's what she was thinking. It's something people said to me, and say to me, when they find out.

She was a consummate professional, but her eyes were all blank and she kept going for her pen to jot down notes, only she wasn't looking at her pen or her notepad and her hand kept missing.

I remember that part clearly. I remember it, but it might have been a different doctor, or maybe a therapist. It might have been a different time that that happened.

The clearest thing I remember--the last clear thing I remember--is that she asked, very matter-of-factly, whether I had experienced other abuse before the age of eighteen.

The next thing I remember is standing on a street in a strange part of the city. I could not have told you my name, how old I was, or what city I was in. I was sober in the strictest sense of the word--I had not imbibed any substances, prescription or otherwise--and I had a receipt in my pocket from a series of finished errands at the post office. I couldn't read anything properly, which is usually a sign that I'm dreaming. So I thought that's what was going on.

Worked it out eventually that I was standing in a crosswalk weeping, because a woman walking a golden retriever stopped and pointed out a cafe across the street, and the lettering on the sign was big enough I could read it. So I crossed to the corner and she asked if I could look after her dog for a few minutes while she stepped inside and bought herself a coffee, and I don't know if I said anything but I sat on an adirondack chair in front of a brilliant fire-truck-red cafe and petted a golden retriever for a while, and that was nice. I think I had some vague sense that I was being managed; but I was also petting a dog, so that was alright then. The woman came back out eventually and brought me a cup of coffee and I couldn't stop crying but I felt calmer. I don't remember anything about her--not her face, not her age, not her race, not the sound of her voice--but I remember her dog vividly.

Anyway. Drank my coffee. Third of the way through the cup when my pocket vibrated, and I discovered I had a phone stuffed in there. I went to Google and wrote, I am a conversion therapy survivor and I need help. And Google, quite helpfully, supplied the number of Seattle Counseling Service, which at the time was one of the oldest LGBT-centered mental health organizations in the city. And I got on the phone with a clinician who helped me navigate to the bus stop, and then to their offices. 

Here's another true thing: I don't know why I told you this story, unless it's to avoid telling you what I told my mom, which is to say your grandmother.

I don't really remember what I told her. Something about how growing up queer in that part of the world, during that particular era of the culture war, trained me to protect parts of myself--and more to the point, to protect myself by protecting information. To manage my life in terms of circles of privileged information.

(I lied to my brother last week about something painfully stupid: the platform that hosts my serial novel. I could have just asked him not to read it. I know him well enough to know he'd respect that boundary. I want to say I don't know why I did it, but that's not how it was at all. To tell him about my novel at all felt like heaving a boulder uphill, sometimes with more success than others. I could talk about the reader community all day--that part was effortless. But a dangerous detail like where to find the full text? I told him the closest thing to the truth I could bear. It's not deliberate dishonesty so much as a failed effort at honesty. He worked it out before I could heave the real answer out of my mouth. And then he confronted me, and I couldn't bring myself to talk about it.)

Circles of privileged information.

That's what Mom and I talked about today, a little. I told her that two things were true: the women who tried to craft me--whatever I was--into a straight submissive Christian girl did something deeply unethical and deeply harmful; and they did it because they believed with all their souls that they were doing the right thing. I told her I'd done a lot of work in therapy to let both of those things be true at once.

But that wasn't the important thing, was it? The important thing is that I got quiet for a few minutes.

When I go quiet and there are no words, just the feeling of heaving a boulder uphill. Maybe it's a successful push and I manage to say something true. Maybe my aim's off and I land on a near-truth instead, and if I remember I'll try to go back and correct myself later. If I manage it. If I can.

Fiction is simpler. The words flow like water and the details land faraway enough that I can bear to say the unspeakable things. And anyway, we all know it's supposed to be make-believe. We all know to trust the substance, and forget the details.

This? This is harder. But there's 566 anti-trans bills kicking about this stupid country; there are lawmakers trying to legislate childhoods exactly like my 10th grade year across whole states; there are children like the one I was standing in the crosshairs.

So I'm trying to write my own experience as a nonbinary human: messy, dangerous, yes; and yet our community has this love for one another that is incandescent. I learned the reality of love from fabulous queers. I'm trying to document a year in transition.

Know that I love you, kiddo. Know that I'm doing my best. Nothing has made me happier this year than learning to be your uncle.

See you soon.