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Heal, so when somebody tries to love you – you let them.

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And someone who sees me as their's

I just want someone who is my escape from everybody.

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Need to be reminded of this from time to time

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— unknown

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Please, for once,

don't let me grow next to someone,

instead,

let me grow with someone.

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Joy Sullivan, from Instructions for Traveling West: Poems; “Instructions for Traveling West”

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— Franz Kafka // Richard Siken

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— Sarah Williams

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What if...

So, last week a thought just randomly popped into my head while walking up the stairs to a train.

It was about my feelings of missing a deeper connection, a closeness in emotion. So what if it was my fault. What if I was not letting my boyfriend get close, what if I am choosing to not ot be vulnerable around him?

That thought came to me because I had a little meltdown the weekend before and I felt so close to him afterwards. I allowed myself to be vulnerable right then and there. I suspect that's an exception because ever since the end of my last relationship I am afraid. I could not bare the loss of someone so dear and close to me again.

Is there some truth to that? I don't know. Does it make sense? Absolutely.

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Trage schon seit Jahren diese Dunkelheit so tief in mir drin

Doch lass dir sagen: Habe nie geliebt so wie dich

Wenn ich mal kurz flieh', liegt's nicht an dir

Manchmal will ich nicht zu finden sein, doch komm immer wieder zurück

Ganz im Ernst, hatte niemals Angst wie jetzt

Selten schlaf vor sechs, Selbstzweifel A bis Z

Nachts im Bett, Atem weg, wälz' mich im Kreis

Weiß es ist schwer, doch hoffe so sehr, dass du bleibst

Augen überall, Augen überall

Hoff' so sehr, dass du nicht gehst, wenn ich fall'.

-Casper - „Flackern, flimmern“

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“Listen closely to the songs I play because the lyrics speak the words I fail to say.”

— (via ghost-inhaale)

I wish the others would understand this.

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~just letting out the thoughts in my head~

I'm asking myself how often I gotta be let down until it's okay to be fed up.

And it's not about major fuck-ups but just a little thing after another. Me asking "Text me when you get home" him saying "I will" and I don't hear anything until the next day (currently 11am and still nothing) and it happens so often.

And I don't take "I was tired" as an excuse, cause well I think about him. I text him that I got home safe when I'm drunk (completely wasted actually) and I don't get it how I am not on his mind.

I don't get it. There's was a change in his plans and he didn't inform me so I sat stupidly at home waiting for him. And starting to worry at some point.

And he always promises to try to do better but after a year there should be improvement. And I don't know if he gets that with everytime he disappoints me and I care a little less. And at some point I'll just don't care any more and I'll be checked out.

And yeah, I know it's nothing big, but everytime he doesn't text me like he said he would it's putting less value to his words. And it's kinda disrespectful towards me. And even if he doesn't care about those things much, I do. And that should be enough of a reason to not disregard them that regularly.

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Last weekend I was at a munch or a gettogether (whatever you call it) and the topic of a 'mental state of emergency' arose. In german you'd call it a psychischer Ausnahmezustand which would literally translate to exceptional state. The most fitting translation would probably be an 'exceptional state of the mind due to a crisis' this crisis can be a lot of things. For example grief, depression, existential fear - in general a traumatic event. When someone is in that mental state they often act out of charcter, do things they never would do if they were in their right mind. The acting out of charcter is caused by the lack of something: feeling like not having control over one's life, feeling trapped in a situation, a deep feeling of neglect, etc.

The mind switches to survival mode and you start doing everything to get what you desperately need (affection, control, freedom, ...) and the cost and consequences don't matter. In that state you don't think long-term, only short-term, the immediate relief is the only thing your mind focuses on and that's how you end up doing things you normally never would. But because you won't think about the consequences, once you snap back to your normal self, you could wake up to your life in shambles. The worst part is, while you know it was you who did those things, you feel like someone else did it because you can't identify yourself with those actions.

I did something terrible 1,5 years ago. I cheated on my boyfriend and I did it because I was severly burnt out and depressed, didn't know how to ask for help and was desperate to feel whole, happy, loved and wanted. A lot of my friends were sympathetic while others said I was just trying to avoid the guilt. Lol I feel guilty to this day. I've never felt so sorry in my life. I still cry every now and then over him, sometimes even once a week. I still think about him more than I like to admit and I feel guilty about that. I even got a lump in my throat writing this.

I wish I could make up for it, I wish I hadn't done it. I wish we could have gotten the chance to work things out. I wish I would have asked for help when I was in so much pain. I wish he would have seen that I needed his support back then. I wish we would have just talked. I wish both of us would have been better in communication.

But most of all: I hope and wish that I didn't scar him for life. I hope he'll get over it and find his happiness even if it's without me. I hope he knows I never meant to hurt him. I loved him with all my heart, I hope he still trusts in that. I probably still love him and I don't know how to stop. I don't know if I can ever love someone as much as him, but I hope I will be able to someday.

Forgive me for still having feelings for him. I can't help it. It doesn't mean I don't love you. I hope your patience and understanding with this will continue as long as it takes for me to work through this.

Back to the topic of the first paragraphs: Talking about it, hearing the experiences of other people, hearing that's really a thing and that I'm not trying to shift the blame. That fixed something a little inside of me. I'm not over it, but I might feel a little less guilt. And that's something.

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I turned into a good actress

I'm always expected to be strong, so no one ever suspects that something is wrong.

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— Silas Melvin

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— Nicole Lyons