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— Franz Kafka // Richard Siken

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— Sarah Williams

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What if...

So, last week a thought just randomly popped into my head while walking up the stairs to a train.

It was about my feelings of missing a deeper connection, a closeness in emotion. So what if it was my fault. What if I was not letting my boyfriend get close, what if I am choosing to not ot be vulnerable around him?

That thought came to me because I had a little meltdown the weekend before and I felt so close to him afterwards. I allowed myself to be vulnerable right then and there. I suspect that's an exception because ever since the end of my last relationship I am afraid. I could not bare the loss of someone so dear amd close to me again.

Is there some truth to that? I don't know. Does it make sense? Absolutely.

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Trage schon seit Jahren diese Dunkelheit so tief in mir drin

Doch lass dir sagen: Habe nie geliebt so wie dich

Wenn ich mal kurz flieh', liegt's nicht an dir

Manchmal will ich nicht zu finden sein, doch komm immer wieder zurück

Ganz im Ernst, hatte niemals Angst wie jetzt

Selten schlaf vor sechs, Selbstzweifel A bis Z

Nachts im Bett, Atem weg, wälz' mich im Kreis

Weiß es ist schwer, doch hoffe so sehr, dass du bleibst

Augen überall, Augen überall

Hoff' so sehr, dass du nicht gehst, wenn ich fall'.

-Casper - „Flackern, flimmern“

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“Listen closely to the songs I play because the lyrics speak the words I fail to say.”

— (via ghost-inhaale)

I wish the others would understand this.

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~just letting out the thoughts in my head~

I'm asking myself how often I gotta be let down until it's okay to be fed up.

And it's not about major fuck-ups but just a little thing after another. Me asking "Text me when you get home" him saying "I will" and I don't hear anything until the next day (currently 11am and still nothing) and it happens so often.

And I don't take "I was tired" as an excuse, cause well I think about him. I text him that I got home safe when I'm drunk (completely wasted actually) and I don't get it how I am not on his mind.

I don't get it. There's was a change in his plans and he didn't inform me so I sat stupidly at home waiting for him. And starting to worry at some point.

And he always promises to try to do better but after a year there should be improvement. And I don't know if he gets that with everytime he disappoints me and I care a little less. And at some point I'll just don't care any more and I'll be checked out.

And yeah, I know it's nothing big, but everytime he doesn't text me like he said he would it's putting less value to his words. And it's kinda disrespectful towards me. And even if he doesn't care about those things much, I do. And that should be enough of a reason to not disregard them that regularly.

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Last weekend I was at a munch or a gettogether (whatever you call it) and the topic of a 'mental state of emergency' arose. In german you'd call it a psychischer Ausnahmezustand which would literally translate to exceptional state. The most fitting translation would probably be an 'exceptional state of the mind due to a crisis' this crisis can be a lot of things. For example grief, depression, existential fear - in general a traumatic event. When someone is in that mental state they often act out of charcter, do things they never would do if they were in their right mind. The acting out of charcter is caused by the lack of something: feeling like not having control over one's life, feeling trapped in a situation, a deep feeling of neglect, etc.

The mind switches to survival mode and you start doing everything to get what you desperately need (affection, control, freedom, ...) and the cost and consequences don't matter. In that state you don't think long-term, only short-term, the immediate relief is the only thing your mind focuses on and that's how you end up doing things you normally never would. But because you won't think about the consequences, once you snap back to your normal self, you could wake up to your life in shambles. The worst part is, while you know it was you who did those things, you feel like someone else did it because you can't identify yourself with those actions.

I did something terrible 1,5 years ago. I cheated on my boyfriend and I did it because I was severly burnt out and depressed, didn't know how to ask for help and was desperate to feel whole, happy, loved and wanted. A lot of my friends were sympathetic while others said I was just trying to avoid the guilt. Lol I feel guilty to this day. I've never felt so sorry in my life. I still cry every now and then over him, sometimes even once a week. I still think about him more than I like to admit and I feel guilty about that. I even got a lump in my throat writing this.

I wish I could make up for it, I wish I hadn't done it. I wish we could have gotten the chance to work things out. I wish I would have asked for help when I was in so much pain. I wish he would have seen that I needed his support back then. I wish we would have just talked. I wish both of us would have been better in communication.

But most of all: I hope and wish that I didn't scar him for life. I hope he'll get over it and find his happiness even if it's without me. I hope he knows I never meant to hurt him. I loved him with all my heart, I hope he still trusts in that. I probably still love him and I don't know how to stop. I don't know if I can ever love someone as much as him, but I hope I will be able to someday.

Forgive me for still having feelings for him. I can't help it. It doesn't mean I don't love you. I hope your patience and understanding with this will continue as long as it takes for me to work through this.

Back to the topic of the first paragraphs: Talking about it, hearing the experiences of other people, hearing that's really a thing and that I'm not trying to shift the blame. That fixed something a little inside of me. I'm not over it, but I might feel a little less guilt. And that's something.

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I turned into a good actress

I'm always expected to be strong, so no one ever suspects that something is wrong.

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— Silas Melvin

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— Nicole Lyons

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~about the mess inside of me

One thing I used to be certain about was defining my feelings. If it was something unknown to me, I'd take a deep dive and follow that feeling to its roots until I could define it. When I developed feelings for someone I used to be sure of them.

But ever since my last break-up, my feelings are some sort of uncertain. I got a new boyfriend and I love him, but there's this uncertainty I can't shake off. I don't love him that deeply as my ex and I feel somewhat guilty for that. And the doubts are eating me up. "Do I really love him or is he my rebound? Can I really picture a future with him or am I just unable to be alone?" I can't stop myself from having those thoughts and I feel like an a*hole.

I know he's exactly what I needed when I had to pick up the pieces of myself. But I can't shake something a friend of mine said to me back then "don't get inolved with someone too quickly" and yeah, I did exactly that.

At some points I feel like I'm missing out on things, and at other times I'm so happy I have him and don't know what I'd do without him.

The other thing is I feel like if things ever ended between us, it'd destroy him. He had given up on love before he met me because his last breakup took a huge toll on him.

He's a lot of things I really wish for in a partner, but some things... they are okay for me in the short run but thinking about 5-10 years from now I don't know about them. In some regards I cut him some slack -he was used to being alone for so long, I understand it's hard to getting used to being a team. I'm talking of things like taking the other into consideration when making or changing plans, or informing them. Not being egoistic and be willing to make a compromise.

I'm more of a nesting kind of person, I don't wanna go out for drinks on a weekly basis. I want quality time. I get my energy from that. But he needs going for drinks to decompress. I get that. So I come along. But he gets wasted a lot of times and a few become many so often and I don't wanna put up with that. I can't feel safe around a drunk boyfriend because of things an ex did to me. That's kinda also why I don't get drunk. I have 2 or 3 drinks max, maybe once a year I drink more cause I feel safe. But I need someone around who'll stay sober and make sure I stay safe. But he wants to drink too. So I don't. And that's how I end up watching him get wasted. And I hate that.

I hate how we barely have time to get intimate, I hate how my mental health also affects that. I hate how I reminisce about last summer, where we were friends with benefits. I hate that to me it feels like it was easier then. I hate that it feels like my fear of having a shift in the dynamic because of getting into a relationship became true. I hate how it makes me have doubts. I hate how I feel uncertain.

Just had to get this off my chest.

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~just some venting~

So. I had a breakdown today, lol. Cried my soul out to my boyfriend that I'm overwhelmed with the whole situation.

My sister returned back into my life after years of low contact. She got away from her controlling (now ex) boyfriend. And I really wanna support her all the way but his shit drains me. I have some baggage about an abusive ex too (had therapy for 6 years, haha) and this is situation is stirring it all up. I've been more or less paralysed for the last 7-10 days (actually don't know exactly).

I need to do shit for my mums wedding (I'm a bridesmaid) and I need to study for exams and have a deadline for a paper at the end of September. And I can't get shit done. I feel guilty and terrible but I can't do shit. I cry when I don't have something that's occupying my mind (some series, anime or youtube video) and I feel like I should maybe see a doctor and get some prescription but I'm so scared of the side effects. I already lost my libido once due to the pill and I don't wanna do that again. I also don't wanna gain weight (I'm afraid my boyfriend would think I'm less attractive)

I'm having this feeling or urge of 'I want my mom' but it's not my mum that I want. I just wish for someone to love me unconditionally and also let me feel like that. And my mum isn't exactly the lovey-dovey kind of human. (she's not a bad mother but not a good one either)

I just wanna be okay. I wanna be happy. I wanna excel at my studies. I wanna have a future to look forward to. I don't wanna be haunted by my past anymore. I wanna let go of the ghost of him.

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“I like how sleeping next to someone means more than sex sometimes, the body’s way of saying ‘I trust you to be by my side at my most vulnerable time,’ you have no defenses when you are asleep, you tell no lies”

— Eric Shaw

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I confuse people. i have a happy personality and a sad soul. i'm bold but shy. i love deeply but sometimes i feel heartless. i'm healing and hurting at the same time. i'm dedicated to growth, but i self sabotage

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Vielleicht geht es nicht darum, den richtigen Weg zu finden, sondern den Mut zu haben, einen neuen zu gehen.

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Every time I'm kinda getting my life together, getting on course with my studies and get to relax a bit cause I only got little worries going on, life throws another drama, tragedy, difficulty -basically a big steaming pile of sh*t - in my way. And I'm so done. I'm so tired of having to fix issues I didn't cause. I'm frustrated that the people responsible get to walk away easily. And I'm so pissed that I don't get any gratitude from the other people involved in the mess. I don't know what to do cause I kinda want to (and have to) help but I feel like I might start resenting the people involved. I need some perspective. I need someone to help me carry those burdens.

I've had enough drama, trauma and bad things happen to me, it's enough for a whole lifetime. Please, no more.

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"You'll never know how much I loathe you"

—Envoi - "Ghost"