#❝ we both had an awful dream. ❞ ( re; jamie )

[punnychef]

tag drop !! 

❝    we  both  had  an  awful  dream.    ❞    (  re;  jamie  )  

[pluviophile-bookworm]

HSMTMTS 2x11: Let us pull up a chair as the dining room proudly presents... the reason for my next mental breakdown

I can't believe myself, honestly. Oversleeping on the one day of the week that I've got something exciting to wake up for? Oh well, I'm up now and I'd better go ahead and do this before my dashboard has showered me with spoilers. I mean, I have never really minded spoilers, but when it comes to this, somehow I do. Though I do wish something had forewarned me about last week's snap ending (get it, 'snap'... I'll see myself out). I'd better dive in already.

Yes, Mr Mazzara, that's what I've been saying for a while! Ok, maybe I haven't been very vocal about it, but it was in the foreground of my mind that they should have asked for Mr Mazzara's help re: transformation! I'm just glad he pointed it out. Not that he could have done much while he was busy playing therapist for his beloved Miss Jenn. Oh well.

Were those Ash and Ricky doing actual paired-up warmups? That is what they should have been doing for weeks now. That and having actual off-stage interactions, too. But I still subscribe to the theory that the gang had some good rehearsals off-screen — otherwise there's no way they could have been this good on stage as we saw in the previews. I said it last time and I'll say it again — not everything is for us to see.

Wow. The one time our leads are in unison, and it is about both being injured. The East High drama club must be cursed — they can't have one production run smoothly and without what can only be described as pure unbridled chaos.

They don't have any understudies? That explains some things... but also how? But also, I'm so happy Ashlyn is going on. No way she would have missed her first (first of many, right?) chance of being the lead because of some 'minor' injury.

Ricky and Nini still can't talk to each other properly. Oh well. Take your time. It's not like I care about this pairing anymore.

Did EJ just use the word 'dig'? Boy, the boy's got it baaaaaad. Also, what is it going to take for these two to realise they're in love? For all we know, they might have that big kiss we're all dreaming of and still be like 'nah, it's nothing, we're buddies'... give me a break! But I mean, at this point they might just be turning into Redlyn 2.0, where even a kiss doesn't define things. But hey, if they do follow in Redlyn's footsteps, that only means good things in their future, right?

What did that fake French git do to my boy Carlos? He's not supposed to look this inanimate until right before the climax of the play! Well, I mean, at least Seb serving as his interpreter means that Seb gets more lines for a bit. Too bad he can't go on for someone with more lines in the play.

Miss Jenn's 'words of inspiration' were less than inspired... yeah, this show's going down. Or it would, if it depended solely on her. Let's hope the kids do better. I mean, I know for a fact they will... at least for about 5 minutes of the thing. There is still room for things to go wrong and I'm scared.

Oh, my sweet boy... I wish I could jump in there and do something to help him feel less nervous. Thing is, if I were there, I'd probably be the most nervous of them all, even if I were playing Townsfolk #3 or something, and everyone's nervousness would rub off on me, and I would be making things worse instead of helping. So yeah, I'm kind of glad I'm not there.

Ahhhh who called it? @redlyncentral was it you? Ash got flowers for her Biggie! And there's a card whose contents we've yet to see. But that doesn't seem to be helping either. My sweet, sweet Reddy... I hope and pray he'll be alright.

Well this is awkward! Who told Mike to show up and shake everything up right now? Miss Jenn is literally on the brink of exploding, and now she's stuck in this completely unnecessary love triangle. She needs some space. And a quiet place to breathe, thanks Mr M for suggesting it.

'Did we forget to build a mote around the school or...' Yeah, you tell her, Rick! That girl whose name I never want to pronounce (because it makes me think of much nicer people and she's making me hate it) has no business being there. She's not... being given a redemption arc, is she now? Some people just don't deserve it. And if hating her is an unpopular opinion now, well, I never did care much about having popular opinions. I can live with that.

'Lily, scram!' Yes, thank you, Natalie! I've always wanted someone who would voice my thoughts in a way that the characters can hear them. Make this girl a main next season, won't you? (Just so we're crystal clear, I mean Natalie, not the other one.)

OMG Mr M is in the play! In a way... I love that!

I love, love, love the way they did the prologue. 'Repulsed [the prince makes an over-the-top gesture of repulsion] by her haggard appearance [the witch shows off her face to the audience]...' I love this. I would pay a lot for a chance to see their entire play, you know?

Oh dear, somebody give my boy Reddy some sort of... medical aid against all the throwing up! I've got a nice pill that helps me with my bad cases of motion sickness. Hey, so maybe I could have helped if I were there after all. Great, now I feel bad. But also, is all the throwing up an excuse on the writers' part to keep my boy off-screen for the majority of this episode? Because it's a really lame excuse.

Gina's 'Many questions' continues to be a mood. What exactly is Miss Jenn expecting from the kids? Last-minute adjustments? No way. This spells disaster.

Was Carlos on vocal rest or something? Because he shines like the star he is... despite all the very obvious nervousness backstage. I mean, I wouldn't have it any other way, but... oh well, I wouldn't say it's unrealistic. In my personal performing experience, the most nervous ones perform the best. (So... what is that saying for my boy Reddy? Good things only.)

I've already had the opportunity to geek out about Be Our Guest yesterday, but... I mean, just look at them! Carlos doesn't need actual candles to be on fire, Ashlyn is stealing the scene without any lines in it, Gina is absolutely gorgeous, and don't even get me started on EJ and Big Red looking at their girls in absolute awe! This is everything!

Aww, look at them! Gina and Ashlyn dancing together, I mean. They're sisters and it really shows. And I love them both so much.

Kourtney is an absolute show-stealer! I'm still upset about some casting choices (one of them is in this scene, doing his absolute best with the crumbs he has been given), but she is absolutely perfect. I think I'll rewind and watch this entire scene again before moving on with the rest of the episode.

I'd just like to point out that Frankie's voice in his lower register is everything!

'You absolutely dusted that stage'... Not EJ making a pun so punny even I could not have thought of it... boy is absolutely smitten!

Not me tearing up when Jordan Fisher appeared as Gina's brother... like, I knew it was happening — I knew it even before it was announced. And I still teared up because, well, it's emotional in-universe and out.

Awww, my boy Reddy is so in love with Ashlyn... I mean, who wouldn't be... but — not Ricky saying Lily might not be as mean as they thought. Especially not to Big Red of all people. To him, she was just as mean as they thought.

'Side hustle project in the south hallway'? Ooh, what is it, I want to know now!

Why do I feel like things are a bit too awkward between Kourtney and Howie? Not that I'm too invested in their relationship, but if it bothered me, imagine how it must feel for the stans.

No, Ash, you absolutely do not need to add any fancy riffs to the song! Especially not just because L... well, that girl did it. You're unique and lovely and a literal Disney princess inside and out. That girl? She's just a wolf in a sparkling golden dress.

Awww... Big Red literally lowers Ash's blood pressure! Those two are such an amazing couple! (Full disclosure, though, he kind of does the same for me too; the other night I had this horrible nightmare, and I woke up in cold sweat in the middle of the night, and then... ok, getting too personal there.) The point is, if even the fantasy of a Big Red hug makes me feel better, imagine what his actual presence would do for Ash at that moment. Where is my boy? Everyone seems to be looking for him.

Oh... guess they took my advice to give the poor boy something for his vomiting issue. Good for whoever thought of it.

And we're back to the Porter siblings... forgive me if I still can't wrap my head around calling Gina's brother Jamie. I don't know about you guys, but thanks to my lovely new friend Paz he will always be Theodore to me. I guess we can headcanon that as his middle name. Anyway, I love it that they made a joke about the hilarious height difference between him and Gina because, well, it's the only thing I can think about when I look at the two of them. It reminds me of me and my little cousin who has been taller than me since she was 10, and is still growing taller now at 13. But, I mean, it's not very hard to be taller than me, since I'm so, so short... ok, this is not about me. Moving on.

Was I the only one who actually laughed out loud at Ricky drinking from the bowl as the Beast? I mean, that part has always made me laugh in the original movie, but something about Ricky's take on it makes it even funnier.

Meanwhile, my girl Ash is absolutely killing it as Belle. Not me having the very same expression as Big Red while watching her... gosh, I love both of them so much! Also, no offence to the rest of the cast, but Julia really is the best vocalist out there. Out of all of them. I said what I said.

My apologies to Ricky, but his voice is just not it when it comes to playing the Beast. Still, with the other option being him putting on that fake deep voice from the audition, I'm glad he didn't.

Ahhhh Portwell nation you ok guys? Since we didn't get them singing Something There, this is very much the next best thing... and boy, is it good!

Those glances between Kourtney and Howie, on the other hand... what on Earth is happening there?

Ok, so you all know just how strongly I feel about Seb's casting as Chip, and yet... boy had one line and absolutely ate it up! Give him an actual singing role next time, Miss Jenn!

EJ being starstruck by Jamie not because he's a big music producer, but because he's Gina's brother... excuse me while I sob!

Excuse me, what!!!! 'A big brother figure'? Boy, this didn't turn out the way I thought it would... now I'm scared.

Way to ruin things, Jamie! And I don't even mean the fact that his name is not Theodore. It doesn't matter what his name is anymore. He might just have put a spanner in the works of Portwell, and they were just doing so well! Ugh, I'm so frustrated. I wish I'd never boarded — what did I call it — 'the majestic S.S. Portwell'. What if it doesn't set sail now?

And there goes another disappointment... Carlos' 'the orchestra hasn't vamped this much since Bop to the Top' line had nothing to do with Seblos, and everything to do with what might still be the downfall of this show. I am not ready.

No. Miss Jenn did not just say that. She did not just tell Ricky — who, may I remind you, not that anyone's forgotten, just fell off of a high place last episode — to 'jump off of something high'. I realise she's under all the pressure, but that is not an excuse. Well, at least she heard herself.

Oh my gods... Nini — well, Nina, actually — did not just call him 'Richard', did she? That's it, that's the point of no return. And well, I kind of wanted them to reach it.

Told you, didn't I? I told you that-girl-who-must-not-be-named was evil! I always follow my intuition and it has not once deceived me. Redeem that, if you can! Guess what? You can't. We've just reached another point of no return.

Wait, a bloody cliffhanger? I cannot handle this. I physically cannot handle this. If you need me, I'll be sitting on my bed in shock, trying to process everything that happened. I'll need a while to get a grip on myself.

[beerecordings]

“Hey. Hey. Marvin?”

He jolts to attention on the third word, shocked like a cat who’s just seen a cucumber, putting a hand over his heart and letting out a low, frantic, shaken breath. “Schneep, you fuck!” he laughs, his hands trembling around the paper bag. “You scared the shit out of me.”

Henrik regards him carefully from the doorway, his arms folded over his chest. Marvin’s heart thuds so loud he can hear it. Is this another ‘what’s going on?’ talk? Now he’s getting it from his little brothers as well as Jackie?

“I did knock,” says Henrik.

“Oh. I guess I was distracted.”

“You got take-out.”

Marvin’s eyes flicker down to the bag of food in his hands, quickly pushing one of his crystal balls out of the way to make room. Noodles and Company. Japanese pan noodles. He doesn’t even like this shit, but it was close and it was open and he hopes that the kid will. The kid has to. He hasn’t been eating anything. Marvin feels like he’s about to lose his mind. He wants to shove Japanese pan noodles down his fucking throat. He lets out a wild little giggle, pushing his hair from his eyes. What is he thinking?

“Are you not getting enough to eat at dinner?” asks Henrik. “We did finish off the kima in one sitting.”

“No, no,” he says quickly. “I got enough kima. I just, uhhh.”

Why was he stupid enough to let Henrik catch him with this? He quickly pushes the second bag behind the table. He can explain some things, maybe, but not that. What does he say?

“I guess I’ve just been hungry.”

Henrik’s voice goes very soft, his eyes steady and dark in the evening light. “I worry you’re losing weight.”

Marvin blinks, glancing around his room. There’s a slight motion at Henrik’s side and Marvin sees that Chase is standing shyly beside him in the hallway, blinking at him with his big blue eyes. He touches his stomach, self-conscious.

“No,” he manages after a moment. “I think I’m doing okay.”

He is losing weight. He didn’t mean to. He didn’t want them to notice.

“Have you been throwing up?” asks Henrik, in a voice impossibly softer still and entirely uncharacteristic. “Or eating a lot at one time, maybe, and then throwing up?”

Oh, fuck.

“No!” he tells them quickly, almost gasping on the rejection. “No, no, I don’t have bulimia or anything, Schneep, I’m fine, I was just hungry! Just tonight. Geez, you little twerps, give me some space, okay?”

A forced laugh shoves its way out of his mouth. Henrik and Chase exchange looks. Marvin turns away from them, hunched over the noodles, biting down hard on his lip.

“Marv,” says Chase’s familiar voice, laid low. “I know you been sneaking food back to your room. And you’ve stopped going out with Jackie to look for my little brother. Are you feeling okay?”

Is he feeling okay? Is he okay?

The truth is that since it’s started, it’s only gotten worse, worse and worse with every day that passes. The guilt haunts him in his dreams, gnawing on his organs and ribs like he’s a split-open pig with an apple in his mouth, making him feel sick and numb intermittently without relief. His mind wanders back to the boy constantly despite his best efforts, his temper boiling and his moods shifting wildly as his rationale assesses and re-assesses with every hour that passes. He can’t sleep. Eating makes him guilty. The sight of himself is a stab to the chest �� which is only one of the reasons he’s covered up the mirror in his room.

He feels like he’s dying.

Chase’s hand comes down on his shoulder, the warm fingers wrapping lovingly around his muscle and bone. He shudders once and then, for a moment, rests. For a moment, peace beneath his hand.

“You gotta tell us what’s going on, man,” murmurs Chase. “You been with me through the darkest parts of my life and I can tell that you’re hurting. You gotta tell us.”

Tell us. Tell us. Tell us.

Oh, he wants to. He wants to. He wants to fall against Chase’s chest. He wants to let Henrik soothe his hand through his hair as he looks him over for injury, for illness. He wants Jackie to wrap his powerful arms around him and tell him everything will be alright, he’s here, we’ll figure this out, together like we always have. Together like a family.

And then he imagines the looks on their faces if they knew.

“I’m fine!” he shouts, shoving Chase’s hand away and whirling on his little brother, who stumbles back in surprise. “I said I was fine, didn’t I? So why the fuck are the two of you still in here instead of off minding your own fucking business?”

“Don’t you dare!” shouts Henrik, his concern snapping open and oozing out furious aggression in a second, stalking forward and putting himself between the two of them. “Don’t you dare yell at him!”

“Then leave me alone!”

“Please stop!” cries Chase, grabbing the back of Henrik’s coat. “Marvin, I don’t know what the hell is wrong with you, but we don’t have to get shouted at just because you’re going through something and won’t let us help.”

His eyes glitter with tears. Marvin turns his head away hotly, trying to swallow down the horrible welling of the guilt, the guilt, the guilt, stinging through the whole of his body. He can’t breathe. He can’t make any of this stop. Everything’s just getting worse and it’s his fault.

All your fault.

“I hope you’ll tell someone when you’re ready,” croaks out Chase, turning to go before he can really start crying. “All anybody wants to do is help.”

Henrik and Marvin stand across from each other, gazes set and angry and confused all at once. Marvin’s eyes flicker away.

“I don’t know if one of your boyfriends is treating you badly or if you’re high or what,” hisses Henrik, and if Marvin didn’t know better, he’d almost have thought Henrik was on the verge of tears too. “But if you ever yell at him like that again – ”

Marvin throws his crystal ball with all the rage he can muster.

Henrik gasps, closing his eyes as it shatters against the wall beside his head, only missing him by a few inches, covering the floor in glass and whatever liquid was kept inside. Marvin stares with wide eyes at the mess he’s made. He didn’t even mean to throw it.

Henrik does not move. Eyes closed. Mouth slightly open. Body tense with fear, his arms crossed more tightly around himself than they were a moment ago.

“Henrik,” says Marvin, in a voice that wavers.

Henrik turns and runs, slamming his door shut behind him.

Marvin sinks down to his knees, breathing hard.

“What am I doing?” he whispers. “What am I letting myself become?”

Tell them. Tell them. Tell someone. Anyone. Please.

He doesn’t.

He picks up his noodles and his second bag and he pulls the covering gently back from the mirror on his back wall, stepping inside on shaking feet.

He has to get the kid his dinner.

.

Lately, Jamie seems hardly to move.

He hasn’t always been like this. Marvin’s sure. He hasn’t. He used to just cry and cry. He was terrified of Marvin. Terrified of being a prisoner again, like he has been his whole life. But then – well, Marvin’s brain likes to tell him that the Stockholm Syndrome kicked in. The guilt – oh, it is a familiar enemy these days, the guilt like a dragon rotating in his stomach, breathing fire and ice – the guilt coils in his gut and makes him feel nauseous.

He wishes the kid was still angry with him. He wishes the kid was still fighting. It would be so much easier if he could pretend Jamie was violent or hateful or dangerous or angry. But he isn’t.

Three weeks, that was all it took. Three weeks and he stopped being afraid, and started being loving.

“You don’t hit me like Anti did,” he had signed once, as though in awe, and Marvin hadn’t even been able to answer. “You just leave me alone and take care of me.”

It was true in a sense. Marvin brought him food and toys and art supplies and even, on request, a violin to play. With each present, Jameson grew fonder and more grateful.

But then the begging had started.

“Marvin? Can’t you stay a little while longer and talk with me? Marvin, couldn’t I come out of my cage for just a little while? Marvin, I’ve been good, please don’t leave. Please, can’t you touch me? Please, can I have a hug, something, please? Marvin, Marvin. I don’t feel good. Please, I need you. Don’t you love me? I’m a good puppet. I’m a good little brother. Please don’t leave me alone again. I can’t take it anymore. Please just touch my hand, just for a second. Please look at me!”

His sign name for him was simple – an M and the word ‘brother.’

Marvin wants to throw up just thinking about it, but even that was better than this.

“Hey.” He knocks on the side of the window, trying to get his breathing back under control. He shouldn’t have been angry with Henrik, but he can’t be angry with Jameson. Not now. He has to make him feel like they’re brothers again. Anything to get him to eat. Anything to just get him to move. “I brought you food. Aren’t you hungry?”

Jameson doesn’t answer.

Jameson doesn’t move.

“Can you even hear me?” asks Marvin, hearing his own voice break. “Are you even there inside your own head anymore?”

Every strand of Jameson’s soft, overgrown hair is unmoving in the silence of the mirror dimension. His small body is tucked into the very corner, pressed to both walls, hugging his knees to his chest.

“I got something for you,” says Marvin, reaching into the second bag. “Super cute, just for you. Look!”

He pulls the big hedgehog stuffie out of its bag, pulling the tag out of its paw. He’s never brought Jamie a toy this big. He’ll have to shove it through the bars of the window. Its chubby brown face smiles widely at him, black eyes shining in the fairy lights decorating the walls of Jamie’s cage.

“Ta-da!” calls Marvin, shaking the stuffie enthusiastically. “You love your animals, don’t you? Look how big. Come here, James!”

But all of his toys have been abandoned on the floor around him. He isn’t even clutching the puppy that he briefly convinced himself was real to his chest. His violin is slumped over in the corner. His puppets are scattered over the untouched bed. Jameson does not move.

“Kid, you gotta come here,” cries Marvin, shaking on the bars over the front of his box. “Please, Jamie! Just tell me what you need! Medicine, a psych eval, something else to eat, something else to play with? You can have whatever you want! Just tell big brother!”

But none of it will move him.

“I’ve never pretended to be a good person!” Marvin screams, slamming his hand down against the wood of the box, not even drawing a flinch from JJ. “I knew what I was doing when I put you in here! I’m protecting my family and that is all that fucking matters. So if you think that this little sad boy act is going to make me feel bad, it won’t. It won’t!”

He strikes the wood again, heaving for air, his head swimming. He thinks he’s going to be sick. His stomach is chewing his intestines up instead of the kima he had for dinner. He’s going to throw up. He’s going to cry. He’s having a breakdown.

“Just tell me what to do,” he sobs, and crumples over the ledge of the box, his hands tearing at his hair, his face in his arms, weeping. “Someone just tell me what to do.”

He knew this was the sacrifice he was making when he locked him away. He knew it would hurt. He knew it would haunt him. But he didn’t know it would be quite this hard. He feels like it’s killing him. How long does he have to do this to keep his brothers safe? He wants someone else to take this terrible weight off his shoulders, this dragon out of his stomach. Why can’t he just tell them?

You know they would just let him go. And then Anti would see him, and Anti would use him, and Anti would kill the only people in the world that you love.

He has to protect Jackie. He has to protect Henrik. He has to protect Chase.

But he doesn’t know how much longer he can keep doing this.

It registers slowly that he’s never cried in front of Jameson before. He tries to keep the strong front up. He never really cries in front of anyone, actually. He shifts slightly on his arms, trying frantically to brush the tears away, and –

Oh.

Jamie is standing in front of him.

He’s hidden slightly behind the wall, staring shyly out at Marvin with huge blue eyes that look much too much like Henrik or Chase’s for his comfort, but this is something Marvin has mostly adjusted to. What he has never seen before is this level of exhaustion in Jamie’s young face. He is sallow and grey, with deep bags under his eyes. Refusing to eat – or not being able to get up through the weight of his distress – has left his face thin, and his usually oh-so-neat beard and mustache clump patchily around his cheeks and mouth. His clothes are wrinkled from days without changing. He seems to list as he stands.

Marvin stares at him, uncertain, breathing thickly through his nose and wiping his hot red tears away.

Jameson’s mouth parts like a word might come forth. He blinks wearily – Marvin wonders if he was, in fact, unconscious or asleep – and his timid hand moves forward as if to touch Marvin’s.

Instead, he takes the bag of noodles gently from between the bars of the cage, pulling it towards himself. He doesn’t take his eyes off of Marvin’s as he pulls out the black plastic fork, cracks open the little bowl of noodles, and carefully sticks a piece of beef in his mouth.

“Yeah!” cheers Marvin, his voice snapping in half once again, but this time for a good reason. He shoves at his disarrayed hair and stands up straight, coughing on the last of his tears. “Yeah, there you go! That’s right, there you go.”

Jamie’s pale mouth tilts in the smallest smile, blinking numbly across the bars at Marvin. He twirls a noodle on his fork and presses it into his mouth, and when Marvin nods again and babbles praise at him, Jameson seems to settle in some way, his mouth relaxing into the smile, though he’s still got this strange film over his eyes that Marvin doesn’t like or recognize.

“Just eat your pasta and you’ll feel all better,” Marvin reassures, standing in relief at the front of the box, stroking his own wrists to calm himself. “You really are the nicest kid, Jamie, you really are.”

Jameson’s mouth flickers, though the smile does not fade. Marvin stands in front of him, catching his breath, finding his calm again. After a couple minutes, Jamie steps back to his corner and sits down, still looking at Marvin and eating his pasta slowly, his head drooping every now and then, as though he cannot bear to stay awake.

“How can you be so tired if you’re just sleeping all day?” asks Marvin.

Jameson doesn’t answer, his hands picking robotically at his noodles.

“Can you sign? Can you hear me alright?”

Jameson puts a piece of broccoli in his mouth and chews slowly, staring straight ahead.

Marvin would be lying if he said he wasn’t a little unnerved, but more than anything he’s just relieved he’s eating again. “You must be feeling sick, huh? If you don’t get better soon, I’ll pick you up some medicine. And you can have those noodles again if you want, okay? As long as you eat, I’ll get you any food you want, little mister. Yeah?”

James nods slowly and twirls up more noodles, raising his gaze to him.

“Good work,” says Marvin, feeling much more at peace than he did when he came in here fifteen minutes ago. This was what he needed – just to know there were things he could fix a little. He won’t let JJ die. It’s going to be okay. “Thank you, petit-o. I think I need to go sort things out with Schneep, but I’ll be back tomorrow morning, okay? Okay.”

He straightens out his shirt and turns to go. There is a moment of silence, and then – plastic crashing to the floor, hands slamming against the bars of the cage, and a desperate choke like the dead end of a voiceless scream.

Marvin whirls back, alarmed. Jamie is staring at him from behind the bars, his face gritted with distress, shaking his head and crying. His pale fingers grip desperately at the wood of the box, scoring scratches into the edge of it, tears running down his sickly face.

“Fuck’s sake! What?”

“Alone, alone, alone,” signs Jameson, stopping only to curl in on himself and pull at his hair, choking for air. He shakes his head hard, wheezing. “No, no, no!”

“Jameson.” Marvin moves back towards him again. “Hey, calm down. Calm down, it’s okay.”

He stares up at Marvin, making a little noise like a broken squeak that makes Marvin distinctly uncomfortable. Jameson manages one deep breath and then drops out of view for a second, crouching down. He comes back up again with pasta in his hands and quickly puts a noodle in his mouth, chewing quickly, reaching a hand out for Marvin through the bars.

Marvin draws back, alarmed.

“Come on,” he says, shaking his head. “Come on, don’t – hell, Jamie, you’re okay.”

“I’m losing my mind, I’m losing my mind!” He shakes his hands out as he speaks, scratching at his palms between words, groaning with only his breath and jumping slightly, like there’s too much energy in his body and he can’t get it out. It almost reminds Marvin of Jackie when he’s under-stimulated, but he’s never seen peaceful, shy little Jameson acting like this. “I can’t live like this anymore! I’m going crazy, I’m going crazy!”

“Don’t say that,” snaps Marvin, a thrill of fear electrifying his fingers. “Stop it!”

“What am I doing wrong?” Jameson’s hands scream, his body shaking with that horrible energy, his pupils blown wide. “Why can’t I make anybody love me?”

“That’s not – that’s not why – ”

“I can be like your real brothers if you just give me a chance, I promise! I’ll go to medical school! I’ll learn to fight! I can be nice like Chase, I swear! I’m trying so hard! I’m being so good, please!”

“You don’t understand. I’ve explained this to you before!”

“I’ll eat all the pasta you want!” He picks beef off the ledge and puts it his mouth. “I’m so good! I’m so good! I do everything you ask! I did everything Anti asks! Nobody wants me, not even my own brothers. I promise I’d be really nice and good if someone would just let me go!”

“Stop it!” shouts Marvin, and his power bursts out of him without a single warning but for that burning in his fingers, and he sees the boy stagger back just the same as Henrik did. Jameson crashes to the floor, covered in Japanese pan noodles and beef, a streak of magic burned across his cheek, and for a second, Marvin sees the desperation in his eyes – and then he goes dead again.

Jameson rubs at the burn, snuffling softly, his eyes quiet, staring straight ahead. He stands up. Moves to his corner. Sits down. Hugs his knees to his chest. And goes still.

“Jamie?” calls Marvin to his little brother’s back, his heart pounding in his chest. “Jamie, I didn’t…”

Jameson doesn’t move.

Marvin swears and steps back, feeling ill once again.

“What am I doing?” he whispers, rubbing at his forehead.

This is like torture. This is like torturing him. This is what Anti did.

Marvin is finally sick the moment he gets back to his bedroom, falling to his knees beside the little waste bin beside his bed and throwing up until there’s nothing but bile dripping from his lips.

He thinks…

Fuck. Fuck.

He thinks he needs to tell Jackie.

He’s already crying just at the thought of it. He can see the look on his face. The betrayal.

But he doesn’t think he can do this anymore. He’s breaking Jameson completely. He’s tearing himself apart. And he still, after these long months have passed, has no idea how he’s ever supposed to change this situation.

This is what he has to do.

He’s on his feet, feeling unsteady and ill. Talking to Jackie won’t make tonight better, but maybe, maybe, he’ll have some relief in the days to come. Maybe Jackie can help him carry this weight.

He steps out into the hallway and there is blood on the carpet.

Marvin’s own distress dissipates into fear for his family. “Guys!” he cries, all but leaping towards the living room, magic cackling in his fingers. “Henrik! Chase! Jackie?”

“Is that him? Marvin, we’re down here!”

“Chase?” He hurries down the hall towards their little ‘first aid room.’ “Who’s hurt? Is everyone okay?”

“Jackie found Anti!”

He shoves into the room, eyes huge. Chase hurries forward to comfort him, standing back from the table where Henrik is pinning Jackie carefully down, their older brother groaning and heaving with blood and terror. Marvin races past Chase, curling over Jackie’s body, taking his brother’s face in his hands. “Jackie, baby,” he croaks. “Anti did this to you?”

“He doesn’t know where JJ is!” Jackie shrieks, tears running down his face. If Henrik wasn’t holding him, he’d be thrashing. Blood leaks from a wound in his side. “He was taunting me! He said it must hurt to know he was going to take him from me again! He thought he was still with us! Anti doesn’t have Jameson!”

Marvin’s blood runs cold. Even the air panting through his mouth seems to have gone cold.

“Jackie, be calm!” snarls Henrik, shoving him down on the table. “You’re making this worse.”

“My baby brother, my baby,” screams Jackie, throwing his head back and forth. “He ran away and God knows where he is now! Homeless or lost or being fucking trafficked, my little brother! No, no, Jamie! I would have taken care of him, I would have loved him so hard. Why didn’t I make him feel safer, why did I fall asleep, I’ll never fucking forgive myself…”

“Marvin!” snaps Henrik, grabbing his shirt. “Focus! Tell me you have something to calm him down.”

“Right, right, sorry.” What does he have on hand? He thinks he has a calming spell somewhere, but he needs incense, and somewhere in the back of his mind there’s a memory of a spell for pain relief, but right now all he remembers is…

One sleep spell.

He curses himself quietly, squeezing his eyes shut.

“I’m going to sedate him,” he tells his little brother, and Henrik nods tersely.

Marvin affixes his hands to the back of Jackie’s head, holding him gently, summoning the spell.

“No, no,” sobs Jackie, tearing at his hands. “Let me stay awake. I want to fucking feel this. I want to feel every second of it. I want to remember this hatred when I find the person who’s keeping him from me.”

“Jackie… I…”

“I’ll make them regret being born,” spits Jackie, a sob mangling his fury. “I’ll kill them. Jameson… why didn’t I protect him…”

“It wasn’t your fault,” whispers Marvin, his voice trembling. “You did everything you could.”

“I shouldn’t have fallen asleep,” Jackie whispers back, wrapping his fingers around Marvin’s. “I was meant to be guarding him.”

“Go to sleep,” murmurs Marvin. “Go to sleep. In the morning, it won’t hurt so bad.”

He presses into Jackie’s head the same sleep spell that left him unconscious the night he stole Jameson away. For a second, he almost thinks he sees something like recognition in Jackie’s vivid blue eyes – but then sleep is scooping him up, and Jackie’s eyes flicker, and he fades trustingly into Marvin’s hands.

“Thank you,” says Henrik, oblivious to the intensity Marvin is feeling, and he hurries to peel back Jackie’s shirt and begin working on the wound.

“Is he going to be okay?” asks Chase, scooting forward and putting a hand on his shoulder, peering over Henrik at Jackie on the table.

“It will be a painful wound, but he will heal just fine if we can convince him to rest.”

“Do you think… that’s true?” Chase’s eyes flicker up to Marvin’s. “That Anti doesn’t have JJ?”

“Maybe he was just trying to upset Jackie,” mumbles Marvin, stepping back from his brother’s body.

“Jackie would be more upset to know that Anti had JJ and was torturing him,” replies Henrik, shaking his head. “A picture of Jameson in pain would have sent Jackie even more wild than this. It doesn’t make sense. He must really not have him.”

“Is that good news?”

“I’m not sure,” says Henrik uncertainly. “Maybe. Unless someone even worse has gotten their hands on him. It is a big world for a young man who has never known anything but Anti and the 1900s. And Jameson is supposed to be powerful. I fear the people who would seek to use him the same way Anti did. Right, Marvin?”

For a second, Marvin thinks he knows, but then he realizes Henrik is only deferring to the person in the room with the most experience with magic. “Right,” he manages weakly.

“You look pale,” says Chase, back at it with that same much-too-soft voice he used before.

“Chase, take your brother to lie down,” commands Henrik. “I need to concentrate on this.”

“I’m sorry for throwing that at you,” Marvin tells him even as Chase moves around the table to wrap an arm around his waist. “I don’t know what got into me, Henrik, I just…”

“Let’s talk about it when everyone’s calmer,” answers Henrik, not looking up from his work. “Myself included.”

Marvin lets Chase lead him away, listening to his little brother blabber about JJ and Anti and Jackie and Schneep, though he doesn’t seem to take in a word of it. All he can focus on is the warm weight of Chase’s body pressed to his own.

He’s not sure, suddenly, if Jackie would forgive him if he knew what he had done.

He broke Jackie’s heart that day.

Tears threaten to fall and Marvin squeezes his eyes shut, breathing in the smell of Chase, the feel of Chase, the comfort and safety and familiarity of Chase. To his surprise, his little brother has decided to take him to his room instead of Marvin’s, and he’s grateful. He doesn’t want to be in there right now, with the mirror gleaming hatefully beneath its covering, waiting for him to come back and face what he’s done. He just wants to be with Chase.

“Lie down with me, yeah?” asks Chase, changing into a sleep shirt and cuddling up in bed. “You’ve seemed spooked all day. I’m worried about you.”

Marvin nods numbly and crawls into the covers beside him. Chase keeps talking, but Marvin doesn’t hear. Just focuses on the arms wrapping warmly around his neck, and Chase’s weight curled up beside him.

This is what he would lose if the others found out.

They would let Jameson go, and then Anti would use him to hurt his family even worse than he did this night. Or maybe… maybe…

Maybe Jackie wouldn’t even keep him around to let him watch that happen.

Maybe Jackie would hurt him, if he knew.

No. Marvin has to shake the thought off. He knows what he did was wrong, but he did it to protect them and to spare Jackie from having to make the difficult choice that Marvin knows was necessary. He did what he had to do.

Right?

“Marvin?” whispers Chase, when the evening light has gone and the moon hangs over him. “Hey. Are you crying? What’s wrong?”

Marvin doesn’t answer, shuddering against Chase’s body. He buries himself in his brother’s chest and he does not move.

------------------------

Taken from the Marvin’s Cage AU: Marvin is the one keeping Jameson in the little puppet box so that Anti can’t use him to hurt his family. When Jackie finds out, he sets Jameson free and throws Marvin out of the house, cutting off all communication from him and leaving him to devolve into hatred and magical corruption. Jackie becomes ferociously over-protective and grieves the loss of his brother while Jameson is just trying to understand what it is that happened to him and learn to live a normal, happy life with the help of his brothers.

Find Part One here if you missed it.

[bunnimew]

Subtle Tells and Coral Bells

Rating: T Fandom: Rise of the Guardians  Relationship: Jack Frost/Pitch Black Characters: Everyone else Tags: Hanahaki Disease, Humor, Fluff, Because it's me Chapter: 1/3? Summary:  For RotG Halloween 2020: Day 5 @rotg-halloween

Jack doesn't know what it means when he's just talking to Jamie like normal and then suddenly coughing up petals, which is definitely *not* normal, but he hopes the other Guardians will.

Whatever it is, it's gotta be an easy fix, right?

Right?

On AO3 Here.

-o-

Jack laughed as Pitch wiggled his hips in a way that was equal parts sexy and ridiculous. Nothing was helped by the fact that the man was a beanpole and the only shape to him was his ass. 

“If I tell Jamie to do that, he’ll never speak to me again.”

Pitch waved him off. “Jamie’s a child. Their memories are remarkably short.”

Jack shrugged. “I dunno, Pitch. Jamie’s a teenager now. They can hold a grudge.”

“Well, what’s he expecting, then? Asking a spirit to teach him to dance?”

Jack stood and made his way over to where Pitch had been demonstrating some ‘moves.’ “He’s thinking I’ve been around three hundred years and I should have figured this out by now.” Which, “And he’s not wrong.”

Pitch rolled his eyes and took Jack’s hands in his, guiding him into a gentle sway. “Not everyone likes to dance. I can’t even count the number of simple nightmares I’ve brought that were nothing more than forcing someone to dance when they didn’t want to.”

Jack stared at their feet, focused on trying to match his steps to whatever soundless beat Pitch was moving to. “I mean, I like to dance. I just do more of a ‘Nymph in the woods’ thing than a ‘highschool Halloween dance’ kinda thing.”

Pitch smiled at him indulgently. “And it’s beautiful to watch, Jack.”

Jack snorted and accused, “Flirt.”

“You can’t blame an old spirit for trying,” Pitch said, and Jack interrupted.

“Yes I can.”

But Pitch continued as if he’d said nothing. “The most important thing will be not letting his head get in the way. To dance, you must move, and to move, you must not freeze.”

“I better steer clear, then.”

Pitch let go of Jack’s hand to swat his arm. “Are you trying to help the boy or not, Jack?”

Jack bit his lips to temper his smile and grabbed Pitch’s hand again. “Sorry, sorry. It’s really hard for me to take things seriously.”

“We,” Pitch said with a straight face, “literally all of us, already know that.”

“Okay, so, I tell him to not think too hard, and then what?” Jack was staring at their feet again. “Are you thinking of a particular song right now?”

Pitch hummed and shook his head. “No, just a basic one, two, three, four… Every song follows the same sort of count, just at different tempos. For example,“ Pitch continued to count out loud as he led Jack through a step and a twirl and a spin. “You could fit that into almost any song, as long as you set the steps to the appropriate beat.”

Jack closed his eyes and let Pitch lead him. His center was feeling so fulfilled and warm right now. Whatever Pitch might have said about not everyone liking to dance, both of them certainly enjoyed it, even if Jack had no idea how to dance with someone else after three centuries on this earth. At least, not to this millenia’s standards. 

This was how Pitch felt when he was out scaring people. When he was scaring Jack. Nothing like a quiet night to remind Jack how lucky he was that his center was something people generally liked. 

Jack finally opened his eyes again to find Pitch had twirled them all around the forest clearing they were standing in. His conclusion? Jamie ought to just find someone else who was good at this and let them handle the rest. Clearly Jack didn’t have to be good at all, as long as his partner was. 

“I’m not sure how to tell Jamie how to do this.” Also, Jack was pretty sure high school dances didn’t involve ballroom this much.

Pitch didn’t seem concerned. “Probably best to just remind him that in ten years, nobody is really going to care what he looked like dancing on Halloween. Those sort of nightmares are only effective through high school. About half-way into college, nobody gives half a shit anymore. Then the nightmares are about crying their way through tests and forgetting vital pieces of paperwork. Humans have very specific priorities, Jack.”

Jack laughed and stumbled despite Pitch basically carrying him through the dance. Pitch was pretty great for keeping Jack’s perspective down to earth. The other Guardians would definitely have let him get caught up in the hopes and dreams and ideas of perfect nights and fantastic dates. 

Sometimes, when everything goes wrong, that’s when you have the most fun.

“Alright, that’s fair,” Jack said. “I still think he’s going to call me a traitor for not actually teaching him anything.”

Pitch stopped and gave Jack an innocently wide-eyed look. “But I thought you were used to that?”

Jack dropped his jaw. The nerve of this man. It was Jack’s turn to let go and smack Pitch. “That was your fault!”

Pitch cackled. Actually cackled. Jack called himself a traitor for finding it at all attractive. “You can’t just blame everything on me, Jack. When are you going to take some personal responsibility?”

Jack snorted. “I take plenty of responsibility for the shit I actually do, Pitch. Half of North’s elves will never be the same and that is entirely my doing. Now shut up and teach me how to dance, Old Man.”

Pitch scoffed, but obligingly lifted his arms up toward the moon and swayed to an unheard beat, beginning yet another explanation about how it was all in the music.

-o-

Jamie stared at Jack with such an expression of unimpressed disappointment that Jack kind of wanted to hop out the window, come back in, and re-try this whole conversation. 

“That’s not how you dance, Jack.”

Jack threw up his hands. “I told Pitch you wouldn’t like it, but that was all he’d give me!” He sighed and leaned back against Jamie’s desk, littered with notebooks and writing utensils, at least six pencil can’s worth. “I’m sorry, Jamie. I was a teenager three hundred years ago. We danced differently back then.”

But Jamie was giving him a Look. One of those Teenager Specials complete with the ‘Are you stupid?’ furrow and the ‘Excuse me, what?’ chin drop. Apparently Jack had said something unacceptable. 

“What?”

“You asked Pitch?” 

Oh. Well. Jack hadn’t meant to admit that. 

“I mean,” he tried to explain, “he dances a lot more than me. Pitch actually, like… tries.” 

Jamie rolled his eyes and Jack knew he was lost. “That doesn’t mean you ask the Boogeyman about it! What kind of dance does he do, anyway? The monster mash?”

Jack felt his brows come together. “Is that a dance?” Kids came up with fads so fast, but Jack shook his head because that wasn’t important. “I mean, he does them all? He told me everything I told you.”

Jamie put a perfect mockery of impressed on his face. “And that was so much.” 

The kid had a point, but Jack wasn’t going to tell him that. “He knows a lot, I swear! It’s just that most dances are ballroom, and neither of us thinks that’s going to come up at your high school Halloween dance.”

Jamie did that thing where he rolled his eyes and left them there, like something on the ceiling was exasperating him. “Yeah, I guess…”

Jack laughed. “I miss when you used to think I was so cool.” 

Jamie’s exasperation was focused all on Jack now, but so was a smile. “Yeah? And I miss when you didn’t tell the Boogeyman everything.” 

Jack gave Jamie a fond, but unamused look. “Now you’re just being bratty.”

“I am,” Jamie admitted. He threw his hands up in the air and leaned back on his bed. “But I’m just so nervous, Jack! It’s a big dance! I don’t wanna look like an idiot in front of everyone!”

“You’re not going to,” Jack assured, “Besides, no one’s really gonna care about what happened at this dance in five years.”

Jamie dragged his hands back down into his lap and stared. “Did Pitch tell you that?”

Jack offered a sheepish smile. “Yes?”

Jamie gave Jack the same kind of look one might give a cat with its head stuck in a tissue box and the tissue box stuck on a corner. A little helpless and a lot adoring. “Pitch said this, Pitch said that,” Jamie mocked, “I thought you had more than one friend, Jack?”

“I do!” Jack defended himself. “What, did you want me to ask North how to dance? Sandy?”

Jamie laughed and shook his head very fast. “Nono, please, no! I’m sure it’s very impressive, but I don’t need to learn how to dance with swords!”

Jack shrugged one shoulder and delighted in how he could still knock Jamie out of his bad moods. “Better not ask Tooth either, then.”

Jamie was well on his way to a proper giggle fit. “No, that would be awful. Better ask the King of Nightmares, instead!”

It was Jack’s turn to throw his hands up. “I told you! He actually dances!”

“Yes, yes, of course!” Jamie said. “I’m sure he’s fantastic at twerking.”

Jack snorted so hard he almost hurt himself. But then something seemed to catch in his throat, and he coughed to clear it, then coughed again when it didn’t quite clear. 

Jamie had stopped laughing at the second cough, and was looking properly concerned now. “Jack, are you alright?”

Jack just shook his head, because his throat felt so thick with something that he didn’t think he could get any words past. He could breathe just fine, but it felt… 

Jack coughed harder, trying to force his throat clear, and it finally worked, but he didn’t feel any better. Any and all feelings of success and relief died at the sight of four delicate flower petals drifting softly to the floor.

“...Jack?” 

Jamie’s voice shook Jack back into the moment. He hadn’t realized he’d been staring for so long, but Jamie was all the way at the end of his bed now, bare feet on the carpet, looking down at the same puzzling petals that had Jack in such a stupor. 

“What are those?”

Jack slowly lifted his shoulders in a helpless sort of shrug. “Flower petals? I think?”

Jamie looked right up at him, not amused in the least. “They came out of your mouth.” 

Jack bit his lip and chewed nervously. They had, and he had no idea why. “I know.”

“Is that normal?”

Jack shook his head, but then shrugged again. “I don’t know? Jamie, I’m like, really young when it comes to spirits. Maybe this just happens every three hundred years. I haven’t seen it before, but that… doesn’t really mean anything.”

Jamie nodded, and Jack was relieved that he seemed to believe him. “I hope you’re okay.”

For all that Jamie was a moody teenager, he was still a really good kid. “Yeah, me too. Hey, you should get to sleep, so you can practice your dance moves in the morning. I’m gonna go ask around about… this. Alright?”

Jamie took one last dubious look at the petals on the floor, then slid back in his bed to the headboard. “Yeah, alright. Let me know what they say, okay?”

Jack smiled. It was easy to smile at Jamie. “Of course. I’ll be back real soon. I promise.”

[strongsassysexysloane]

Take me for a Ride, Jack... 5

I don’t really care how bad this may be, im having too much fun writing it. 

. . . . 

It's mid morning when you regret not getting a coffee to go at the Diner but it seems Jack may be able to read your mind as she brings you a cup of coffee. Hopefully she hasn't been able to read any of your other thoughts.

"I was just thinking I needed one of these. Thank you." You smile at her sweetly, thankfully her body blocks the team from seeing your stupid grin.

Jack smile brightens. "You're welcome."

"Hey, what about us?" Nick whines from behind Jack causing her to turn and step aside so you can see everyone. Ellie has a big grin directed at you. McGee looked between you and Jack then went back to his work. Nick however is looking at Jack like a sad puppy who wants attention.

"Don't know your coffee order Nick." She gives him a one shoulder shrug sipping her coffee.

"It's called a phone, Jack."

"Oh yeah, forgot we all have one of those. I can't remember, when was the last time you got me a coffee?" You smirk at the sarcasm dripping from her tone. Both Ellie and McGee scoff as Jack has clearly got the upper hand over Nick.

"Last..." He scratches the back of his neck.

"Never." Jack raises her eyebrow and Nick slumps in his chair in defeat.

"Fine, when did Y/N last buy you a coffee then?" He turns his gaze to you and you sip your coffee innocently looking at your computer trying to not pay attention to them.

"She'd tried to this morning." And with that drop of too much information she exits stage left and you are left with curious eyes all on you again.

"Great." You mumble into your cup, suddenly the nice gesture of coffee isn't worth the questions that are about to start.

Thankfully Gibbs re-enters the bullpen and the questions on everyone's tongue disappear and they dive back into work.

It is around lunch time when McGee finds a lead, Petty Officer had a few recent callers from a different burner phone each month. Turns out his older brother owed some bad people some money and when he couldn't pay up he went to his family for money, parents cut him off a few months ago so he slunk to his good little brother for help. Petty Officer didn't have much but he gave his brother what he could but that stopped as well a month ago. Brother confessed to his debt, threats from the cartel boss about hurting his family and he guessed they went through with it after he couldn't find the cash.

The team stakeout the cartel hangouts over the next few days, finally when Friday rolls around you get audio of one of the higher members talking about whacking a petty officer and going after his mum next if the punk brother doesn't pay up. The team arrest him and the case is thankfully closed right in time for the weekend.

"Netflix and chill please and thank you." You sigh, collecting your things and turning off your desk lamp as everyone else packs up as well.

"Jack coming over?" Nick smirks.

"Wow, no." You laugh nervously, you hadn't even thought about asking her, should you? You'd talked a few times but it was mainly case related and you'd brought her coffee yesterday as pay back for her's the other day. "Sister is ordering pizza as we speak and I am picking up icecream on the way home. Much never sister bonding time." You all say your goodbyes and all head home.

The night relaxing, exactly what you needed after a stakeout and dealing with cartel men. Jamie has the pizza ready for when you get home and you shove the icecream in the freezer for later then get changed into comfy clothes. You watch one of your favourite movies and now you're half way through Jamie's favourite when you feel your phone vibrate.

'Sorry I missed you tonight, wanted to ask if you wanted to join me on a ride this weekend?' Sent by Jack. You grin from ear to ear.

"That message from Jack?" Jamie slips down into the couch beside you and bumps your elbow.

You shove her off, trying to hide your smile. "Maybe." Your fingers ghost over your mobile, trying to figure out how to reply.

"Love how your hesitate every time she texts you." Jamie laughs, sipping on her glass of wine and you just poke your tongue at her. "Child."

You don't reply to your sister. Instead turning your attention back to your phone. You take a bite of your pizza before replying.

'I would love to. When and Where?'

You place your phone beside you on the arm of the couch and pick up your wine glass, side eyeing your phone every few seconds waiting for the reply. It takes a few minutes and you get up to refill your glass of wine and finish your slice when your phone dings from the couch. You run to it as Jamie goes to take it. "Don't you dare!" You snatch it right before she can reach it.

"Just teasing. Someones fiesty."

You walk back into the kitchen with your phone and jump up onto the kitchen counter, your back facing the lounge room.

'How about Sunday? Any places you want to visit? I don't mind where we go.' You smile at her open to suggestion reply, clearly she was more interested in the company than the ride.

'Sunday works for me. Gives me Saturday to do all the fun chores that my sister always forgets to do. Did I mention I want to move out? You pick the destination as you're the one driving.' You slip off the counter, sipping your wine, you walk back to the couch.

"What you two talking about? I need some juicy love life gossip." Jamie giggled, looking from you to the tv.

Shrugging slightly. "We are making plans to go for a ride on Sunday." You look over at your sister who is waggling her eyebrows at you. "Shut up."

"Never. When will I get to meet her?"

"Hopefully not soon." You tease and Jamie just laughs.

"I'll be around on Sunday." She suggests and you just drop your head back onto the couch, just a tad dramatically.

"No. I'll be out the door before you know she's here." Leaning forward to sip your wine before placing it back down on the coffee table.

Jamie smiles at you less teasingly now. Her tone softer. "You really do like her."

"Jams, I've never felt like this before. I just don't want anything to mess this up before it's even started." You sigh and turn your face back to the movie.

Your phone vibrates again. 'But if you move out, you'll still do the chores so what's the difference? Let me have a think, do you enjoy going to markets?'

You snort at yourself thinking of a reply.

"What?" Jamie pokes your shoulder.

"Nothing."

'The difference is, there'd be no one poking me every few minutes wanting to know what we're texting about. I enjoy a good market.'

"You're making fun of me in your texting, aren't you?" You fake a shock expression at Jamie and laugh. "I knew it."

"Only a little. Just how you don't like doing chores."

"Hey you hate them as much as me!" She flicks your shoulder. "There's your girlfriend again." She smirks, hearing the vibrations of your phone.

'Your poker face needs work then, sweetheart.' You almost spurt out your wine reading the last word. You hear Jamie laugh and show her the text.

"Nawwww." She coo's at Jack's text. "She likes you." You feel the phone vibrate in your hand and snap back to see Jack sent another text.

'I hope you didn't spit your wine out over that.' You drop your head back onto the couch. She knows you too well already.

'You've either got cameras in my apartment or I'm just too predictable.' You send, her reply doesnt come for a few minutes, the wait makes you squirm. The movie lost in the background.

'Only in the bedroom and livinig room, kidding! I may have had a few scotchs before sending this.'

You laugh. 'I like tipsy Jack.' Really you just like everything, Jack.

'I'm glad. What are you and Jamie up to?' You love that she continues the conversation on past the initial weekend planning, although you realise you actually hadn't made a time.

'Netflix, wine, pizza and soon to be icecream. What are you up to?'

The movie you've been ignoring comes to an end and Jamie picks another one as you didn't reply to her offer. To which you now regret.

'Slightly jealous. I'm reading and drinking the Scotch I mentioned.'

Now you have a picture of Jack with her reading glasses sitting on the tip of her nose, licking the tip of her tongue and turning the page in her book and the visual makes you close your eyes and hold in a very quiet moan.

'I'll invite you over next time. Although your night sounds just as inviting'

It takes a while for Jack to send a reply through and you get fidgety thinking you may have over stepped the welcome mat but she started the flirt texting. You're onto your fourth very full glass of wine and half way through your ice cream when you hear your phone vibrate again.

'Sorry, fell asleep. I'd like that. I'll bring the Scotch and pizza.' You don't have the heart to tell her you arent a big Scotch drinker but she could twist your arm into starting.

'Done deal. I won't keep you up, good night J.' You spent way too long trying to figure out the right way to finish the text and you think making a nickname for Jack is good enough.

'Good night, sweetheart, I'm sure I'll dream about you and that's not just the drunk me talking.' This time you did slightly spit out your wine.

"I'm glad she makes you happy but please don't waste my wine." Jamie shakes her head.

'I can't wait for sober J to read this conversation. G'Night, Sweety.' You regret send Sweety but can't think of a better one because you really want to type babe but feel it's way too soon.

There's no reply from Jack and you spend the next hour finishing the awful movie Jamie picked out and eating icecream. It's past midnight when you hit the rack, falling asleep or passing out when your head hits the pillow and you don't wake to your phone vibrating a few times early in the morning. You wake up when there's a crash of glasses in the kitchen at around 0800.

"What?!" You groan and walk down the hall, checking on Jamie.

"Sorry, wanted a glass from the dish rack but all of them wanted to come with it. Don't give me that look, my head hurts as much as yours does." She whines, filling up a glass with water and chucking two aspirin in her mouth followed by the water.

"Hand me one will ya." She does as you instructed and you groan sitting down at the counter. "We should know better." You rest your head on the counter and moan.

"It's always fun at the time. You heard from Jack  this morning?" At the sound of her name, you jump up too fast and hold your head in response to the banging going on because of your quick movement but you head back to your bedroom to find your phone.

'Oh. My. God.' Reads the first text, you are already laughing.

'I really should learn to put a harder pin on my phone for when drunk me thinks its good to over step boundaries.'

'Hope we are still on for Sunday?:)' They were all sent within a minute of each other around 0600.

You flop down on your stomach onto your bed and think of a reply. 'You were quite entertaining last night. No boundaries were over stepped, just pushed further along. What time you picking me up tomorrow? You aren't getting out of it that easily, J. :)'

It takes a minute but she replies. 'I've only been in embarrassment waiting for your reply for the past two hours. I see you've made my name even shorter, I like it. How does 0800 sound?'

'Well I didn't pass out as early as someone did. I needed my beauty sleep but it didn't help this killer head ache, you're lucky I didn't wake up to your texts, I'm no morning girl, J. 0800 is great.'

'Someones feisty in the mornings. Sweetheart, you don't need beauty sleep, come on. 0800 it is.' You can see her eye roll and laugh.

You don't reply, letting her wait a little, you wake yourself up with a nice hot shower and get changed into track pants and a sloppy joe before replying to Jack. 'Alright, feisty me has gone. What are you up to today?' You wonder back into the kitchen to find Jamie has left, conveniently in time for when you decide to do chores. First you need a coffee though.

. . . . 

And there it is. Apologies for any mistakes. I enjoy the writing not so much the editing. However this will be the last chapter for a while as I’m going to the US tomorrow for a quick holiday :D NCIS Paleyfest here I come

[renee-writer]

The Hunter Chapter 15 Two Become One

Frantic kisses. Her hands run down his chest, though the soft hair and to his very erect nipples. He growls against her mouth as she rolls them between her finger and thumb. He has worked her shirt off and is stumbling to unto her bra.

“Out of practice?” Said against his chest as she works her way to one of his tempting nipples. She flicks it with her tongue causing Jamie to utter, what sounds like a Ghaildhig curse.

“Oh aye. It has been 6 years.”

“What?” she looks up at him. “You've the entire time you've been here?”

“Nae nor a year before that. After, what happened to my family, I couldn’t allow myself any pleasure. It's the reason the lass in Scotland left.”

“Oh Jamie.” She sits up and takes his face in her hands. “Self denial was your punishment?”

“Aye. But with ye I can’t. Christ Claire, I've wanted ye since I saw ye.”

She kisses him. Their tongues war as he finds victory over her bra. She lets it fall and his huge hands replace the cotton. He cups her as they continue to kiss. Her nipples are tight against his palm. He moves his thumbs over them and her groan echoes in his mouth.

His lips leave hers and work down her neck. Just like in her dream, she racks her hands down his back, arches up. He reaches her breast, finally, kissing all around before pulling her nipple in.

“Oh God!” She moans. He suckles her as if he was starving. She is just as hungry and works her hands down and under his pajama pants, finding the bare skin of his bum. She clings to it as he moves to the other one. “Good! So good.”

“Aye,” he lifts up long enough to reply. “Ye taste sae sweet Claire. “ he re lowers his head. Sucking and licking until she is half mad. She kneads his bum causing him to moan as he grows harder against her leg.

He moves away and removes her pants and knickers in one move. She had kicked of her shoes earlier. He then moves to her feet to remove her socks. After which, he kisses up the sole, causing a delicious anticipation to run through her. He looks up and grins before slowly working up her leg. She shakes under him as he licks her inner thigh. His sheets and bedspread are fisted in her hands as his breath just tickles her.

“Jamie please.”

“Oh I will taste ye Claire. I just long to breath in the smell of your desire for me.”

“You may just make me come from your words alone.” She breathlessly replies.

“Well, if that doesn’t work.” He parts her with his fingers before lowering and really breathing her in. “Ye smell sae good. I want to taste every inch of ye. Make ye cum sae hard ye see stars and then bury myself bawls deep in ye.”

“F*ck Jamie! Please!”

Without farther comment, he lets his tongue come out and lick her from her vagina up. One hand loosens from the bedding and lands in his hair, tighten in his curls.

He licks her up and down, moaning with her. He reaches her clit and flicks it with the tip of his tongue.

“Yes! Yes! Don't stop Jamie. Don't stop!” her hand tightens farther.

He kisses her right on the tip of her budding clit before softly sucking it in. She gasps and her legs start to shake. He strokes them back down, holding her still as he takes her right to the edge. She whimpers, pulling at his hair. He grins against her before moving one hand up cupping her breast as he uses his mouth and tongue to pull her over the edge.

She screams his name as her whole body shakes, her legs press against his head. He tastes her until her body releases him. He pulls his pants off and then something hits him.

“Claire?” She looks at him with eyes blown wide.

“”Huh?”

“Are you protected? I haven’t anything.”

“Oh. Yes. We are good. Please. “

As promised, he enters her with one deep thrust. “Holy God! You feel sae good!”

“Yes Jesus God! Yes!” still exquisitely tender from the power of her orgasm, the feel of him, filling her, sends her right back over the edge. “Jamie!”

“Claire! Claire!” He tries to slow down put she is pulling at him as she cums. Her breasts press up against as her hands run down his arse and hold him tight.

“Good. So very good. Harder! Jamie! F*ck!”

He shakes over her. The closeness he feels for her is like nothing he has ever felt. He lowers his arms and kisses her as he moves faster and harder. He moves away so they can breath as they both get closer.

Her legs come up and press him closer. He finds her eyes holding them as she climaxes. He sees the awe feel her eyes and gets goosebumps all over before he gets to close to control his rhythm. He loses his English and cries out in Gaelic as he buries himself bawls deep inside her as he pumps deep inside her.

“Ye alright?” he lays breathless beside her. She finds the energy to turn.

“I am wonderful. I knew there would be heat. I dreamed of this but, wow Jamie. It was so much better. “

“Aye. I ken what it means now, for the two to become one. Ye were a part of me.”

“Were?”

“Are. Ye feel it too?”

“The drawing? Yes Jamie. I feel it too.” She toches his chest, laying her hand over his heart. “It is far to soon and a bit insane.”

“But real. It is real Claire.”

“Yes.” She rests against his chest. “I have to go. I don't want to but, I need to check on Mr. Bailey and the baby.”

“Aye. I understand. Will ye come back today?”

“Yes. I think we need to talk about this.”

“Aye. Will ye tell Joe about this? About us?”

“Not sure. I will. Just not sure when.”

“I trust ye to ken when.”

“Thank you.” She doesn’t want to move. She stays curled against him, trying to make herself. Then her phone rings.

“Weel, it wasn’t earlier.”

“True.” She sighs and gets up and answers it. “Hello. Yes. I am on the way. Are they still at the hospital? Okay. Thanks Gillian.”

“Ye really have to go?”

“Yes. I will return.” She pulls her clothes on and brushes her hair, pulling it up in a ponytail.

“Ye are so beautiful.” He says as he stands up and pulls her against him. “With your face and eyes all glowing.” She rests her head against his chest. “Go love. Take care of your other patients. I will be here.”

“I know.” She lifts up seeking a kiss. He happily does.

[thebrochtuarachs]

I WATCHED IT AND IT WAS A DREAM COME TRUE!

I have to hold myself so much as to not jump and squee for joy in my hospital bed but I think watching this episode sped up my recovery with happy feelings.❤️ 

#TheBirdsAndTheBees (4x09) was almost all the things I could want and love in the episode. Thank God Toni and Matt stuck to the book as close as possible for this because it was heartfelt and emotional as I hoped, dreamed and expected it would be.

Here are some of my thoughts over the course of the episode: 

1.  SOPHIE SKELTON, JUST WOW. That first scene, coming back to the tavern and changing her clothes - she just broke my heart with how good she handled it. I felt the pain, dear lord, of what she just went through and ugh, just incredible acting from her. 

2. Skipped most parts with Lizzie, Ian, etc... cause I wanted to go to the good Fraser family bits. 

3. SAM HEUGHAN. WHERE ARE HIS AWARDS? I don’t care what critics see but Sam Heughan is just shining this season. I knew I imagined how this meeting would play in my mind when I read the book before the but way Sam portrayed Jamie in this moment is beyond what I imagined and he played it so perfectly well. That hesitation, that emotion, the tears in his eyes, his words, the hug, everything - it was everything I wanted for this father-daughter reunion and I could not be more happy.

4. I knew they changed and fast-forwarded the story a bit with Claire meeting them too at Wilmington but I must say that I am glad they put it out of the way immediately and reunited them as soon as possible. Also, despite the change, glad they kept that Jamie called out Claire and she saw them sitting on the bench. Hoped Jamie took down his hat so Claire saw double red-heads but I think Bree is shock enough. Love Claire’s slow pick-up of what was happening, her reaction, the basket drop, the running hug - just perfectly played by Cait as well. 

5. I AM JUST RELISHING THAT JAMIE, CLAIRE AND BREE ARE SHARING ONE FRAME OF CINEMA. THANK YOU. 

6. Jamie and Claire talking about taking a holiday in January for the next decade to avoid their impending deaths. YES PLEASE. 

7. Jamie, Claire and Bree looking over Fraser’s Ridge and Bree giving a brief history lesson. Honestly, just give me them 3 in all frames of the episode. I am just on a high. And of course, Brianna observing her mum and da’s love. I cannot! 

8. Fraser family dinner! Ahhh, Brianna just settling in. And of course, for some reason, Jamie and Claire’s PDA are on a high. Holding hands, cheek kisses, teasing!!! And Bree just going straight to asking what her father was like as a boy. No hesitation or shyness and I love it! Love that the Tabitha story has come out too! 

9. I honestly love these Claire and Bree moments too. Especially with what Bree had just gone through, she needs her mother more than ever and Claire is just happy she’s there. Love that Bree was honest with her and told her that Frank knew about her going back. Of course, Claire couldn’t hold a grudge cause Frank is dead and she’s with Jamie now but I think she also wanted to know for how long had he known or how many years she and Jamie could have spared each other sooner. Love that Bree also is seeing just how much her parents belong to one another. I just wish there will be more of those kind of scenes in the next episode. 

10. OH MY GOODNESS, THE FIRING SCENE. Jamie was so proud of his “almost” shot and Bree just shots him down with a bullseye. Love that she’s impressing him so much and he’s just one proud da. But then we get that awkward, “my father, Frank” moment but that was inevitable. 

11. When Claire suggested they go up in the mountains, I was so very excited because I knew this is where the “voyeur” scene comes up - but alas, that’s not how it went. Rather, Jamie was able to observe his daughter in her sleep (and I must say, Sophie looked rather beautiful, great lighting on that!). I was a tad disappointed we didn’t get to see that “early morning” scene but considering that she saw much of her parent’s PDA over the next few days on the Ridge that it was established by that. STILL, I wish we could see one OBVIOUS moment where Bree sees her parents without them knowing she was observing them. Hopefully, that is possible in the coming episodes. 

12. I JUST LOVE LOVE LOVE SEEING JAMIE AND BREE TOGETHER. IT’S AN ABSOLUTE DREAM AND I AM JUST SO APPRECIATIVE OF IT. I love how Jamie handled Bree being torn in her loyalties between him and Frank and I love how he isn’t shy about sharing his feelings and love for his daughter. “I had to give you to him...but I am not sorry you came back to me” - this line is just a perfect balance of him telling her that it was for her safety and not just because he wanted to give her away. And Bree finally, accepting Jamie in that position in her life, just melts my heart. Jamie pulling Bree closer and then asking permission to call her “Bree” and then we get the “You can call me Da” moment and I just died inside. 

13. Claire waiting for them to come home...ah, swoon. Also, the music in that scene, just adds to the reverence of the moment. Them, just 3, at the dining table, eating honey, and Claire looking around and so happy. I just imagined the “Both, thank God, mine” scene when it was playing but we might get or see that in the next episode considering what will happen next. But I just love this scene of them just three bonding and creating this new family unit for them. Its all I wanted for this characters. 

14. God, I love that Claire wakes up every time she doesn’t feel Jamie around in her bed. Seriously, these two are married for life and my heart just loves it. It’s really amazing how their love lasts. Love that she sensed that something was bothering him and I just love how they are so honest with each other about everything. “She called me Da” - Da!Jamie making an appearance is love. Ah, he is just so in awe and so proud and so in love with his daughter and family.  Love the shoulder lean, love the caress,, love the kiss just...I miss Jamie and Claire and I love seeing them an extended time on the screen. Also, Sam’s skin in this scene was so flawless and red and I love it! He looked so young. My goodness. 

15. The “read my mind/confessions” scene. Ahhh, I love that they sticked close to the book for this scene as well. The relief in Bree when she can finally tell her mother that she’s pregnant. And then we get to the harder part of Bree telling her mother that she was raped - damn, Sophie and Cait played it perfectly well too. Claire’s reaction - the hopelessness that she can’t do anything to reverse her daughter’s situation - is just heartbreaking. And Bree clinging on to her mother for dear life, a relief and a burden off her shoulders that her secret is finally out after two months of holding it in. A little bit sad that they didn’t include the part where Bree asks what Jamie’s reaction might be but I guess she’s still too shocked to wander over that question. 

16. Wasn’t expecting the Jamie and Claire discussion by the fire but I guess, I loved it in a sense that 1.) Claire knew she couldn’t handle the burden of the knowledge alone and 2.) if there were any 2 people in the world who understood what Bree went through, it’s her parents - both of them. I guess I loved this too because we see Jamie react in the same hopelessness (at first) as Claire did earlier with Bree and we see the heartbreak too. It adds a bit to the decision that she should go back to her time because it isn’t safe for her in theirs. Them, they could handle it, but they couldn’t put Bree in the same situation when she has a chance to live a better life elsewhere. 

17. Oh, LIzzie - here comes the major misunderstanding in the plot! Hahaha! I spoiled my sister at the consequences of what Lizzie has done and she’s like “Oh, Lizzie” the entire scene where she was telling Jamie that she was sure that Roger was the one who hurt Brianna. 

18. Oh my goodness, Claire finding her ring and the realisation that Stephen Bonnet is once again, back in their lives in some way. And then Bree gives away more truths that just breaks their hearts even more. And when Bree says he can’t let Jamie find out because he will find Bonnet and she can’t let him do it because it will take him away from her mother and them and it will put him in danger. And, she made her mother to promise not to tell Jamie (or anyone) - But Claire saying “no” before that is because she doesn’t keep secrets from Jamie. I wonder how this secret will play out in future episodes. How Claire and Jamie going to navigate being parents. Interesting. 

19. Wow, Jamie beating the crap out of Roger. He just punches and punches and punches until Roger passes out.  I don’t think I’ve seen Jamie hit something or beat something so hard before and it’s Da!Jamie in action for it! 

Overall, was it the dream father-daughter meeting I’ve been hoping for - yes! Did I miss some few other moments - yes! Do I want more in the Fraser Family moments in the future - absolutely yes! Did I love the episode - yes!

Just yes to all and this episode is as memorable as my faves in this series. I’m pretty sure I’m going to re-watch this episode over and over and over. Thank God they did it right and I am so happy we got this at the end of 2018. 

[porlockstompf]

READING DE NACHT READING 2017

                                                            my favourite books of the year

my overall favourite book of the year:

     david keenan “this is memorial device” [faber & faber] (2017)

POST-CYBERPUNKSTOMPF:

01 nick harkaway "gnomon" (2017) 02 kim stanley robinson "new york 2140" (2017) 03 m john harrison "you should come with me" (2017) 04 gardner dozois (ed) "the year's best science fiction: thirty-fourth annual collection" (2017) 05 james morrow "the asylum of dr. caligari" (2017)

06 annalee newitz "autonomous" (2017) 07 cory doctorow "walkaway" (2017) 08 dave hutchinson "acadia" (2017)   + dave hutchinson "slow companions" (2017) 09 ed finn (ed) visions, ventures, escape velocities: a collection of space futures" (2017) 10 bryan thomas schmidt (ed) "infinite stars" (2017)

11 allan kaster "the year's top hard science fiction stories" (2017) 12 nina allen "the rift" (2017) 13 charles stross "the delirium brief" (2017) 14 simon morden "at the speed of light" (2017) 15 ada palmer "seven surrenders" (2017) & "the will to battle" (2017)

16 yoon ha lee "raven stratagem" (2017) 17 john joseph adams (ed) "cosmic powers" (2017) 18 mur lafferty "six wakes" (2017) 19 taiyo fujii "orbital cloud" (2017) 20 andrew bannister "creation machine" (2016)     + andrew bannister "iron gods" (2017)

21 gareth l powell "entropic angel & other stories" (2017) 22 ann leckie "provenance" (2017) 23 monica louzon (ed) "catalysts, explorers & secret keepers: women of sf" 24 ian mconald "wolf moon" (2017) 25 neal stephenson & nicole galland "the rise & fall of d.o.d.o." (2017)

26 adam roberts "the real-town murders" (2017) 27 tim pratt "the wrong stars" (2017) 28 jim c. hines "terminal alliance" (2017) 29 charles stross "the empire games" (2017) 30 james s.a. corey "persepolis rising" (2017)     + james s.a. corey "strange dogs" (2017)

31 allen steele "avengers of the moon (captain future)" (2017) 32 neal asher "infinity engine [transformation III]" (2017) 33 jason m. hough "injection burn" (2017)   + jason m. hough "escape velocity" (2017) 34 donna scott (ed) "best of british science fiction 2016"/una mccormack "star of the sea" (2016) 35 david marusek "upon this rock"/john scalzi "collapsing empire" (2017)

& a couple of re-readings: richard k. morgan "takeshi kovacs trilogy" in view of the coming netflix series and colin harvey "damage time" (2010) ... no further reason needed!

STOMPF KLASSIK:

01 matthew mcintosh "the mystery.doc" (2017)

02 sébastien roger "les désordres du monde. walter benjamin à port-bou" (2017) 03 laurent binet "hhhh" (2012) 04 + laurent binet "the 7th function of language" (2017) 05 jean echenoz "special envoy" (2017)

06 paul stanbridge "forbidden line" (2016) 07 ryu murakami "tokyo decadence (2016) 08 aifric campbell "the semantics of murder" (2008) 09 mark vernon "darker with the day" (2017) 10 magnus mills "the forensic records society" (2017)

GEDÄCHTNISSTOMPF:

01 mckenzie wark "general intellects: 25 thinkers for the 21st century" (2017) 02 claude lefort "wat is politiek?" (2016) 03 ger groot & sam ijsseling "dankbaar en aandachtig" (2013) 04 martin heidegger "beiträge zur philosophie (vom ereignis)" (2003) 05 hannah arendt "totalitarisme" (2014)

06 daniel birnbaum & kim west "life on sirius: the situationist international & the exhibition of art" (2016) 07 ger groot "de geest is uit de fles" (2017) 08 sean gaston "the impossible mourning of jacques derrida" (2006) 09 bas heijne "onbehagen: nieuw licht op de beschaafde mens" (2016) 10 giorgio colli "ecrits sur nietzsche" (2017)

11 frédéric neyrat "échapper à l'horreur" (2017) 12 slavoj zizek "against the double blackmail, refugees, terror & other troubles with the neighbours" (2017) 13 henning mankell "quicksand" (2016) 14 jacques rancière "en quel temps vivons-nous? conversations avec eric hazan" (2017) 15 alain badiou "je vous sais si nombreux... " (2017)

16 alain badou & jean-luc nancy "la tradition allemande dans la philosophie" (2017) 17 tom mccarthy "typewriters bombs jellyfish [essays]" (2017) 18 valeria luiselli "tell me how it ends: an essay in 40 questions" (2017) 19 fredric jameson "raymond chandler: the detections of totality" (2016) 20 umberto eco "chronicles of a liquid society" (2017)

POLARSTOMPF:

01 chris petit "pale horse riding" (2017)   + chris petit "the butchers of berlin" (2016)   + chris petit "the human pool" (2002)   + chris petit "the psalm killer" (1996)

02 john le carré "a legacy of spies" (2017) 03 david hewson "sleep baby sleep" (2017) 04 mick herron "slow horses" (2010)   + mick herron "dead lions" (2013)   + mick herron "the list" (2015)   + mick herron "real tigers" (2016)   + mick herron "spook street" (2017) 05 jussi adler-olsen "the scarred woman" (2017)

06 jo nesbo "the thirst" (2017) 07 ben fergusson "the spring of kasper meier" (2014) 08 e.o. chirovici "the book of mirrors" (2017) 09 toni coppers "de zaak magritte" (2017) 10 james r. tuck "mama tried (crime fiction inspired by outlaw country music)" (2016)

YOUNGADULTSTOMPF:

01 philip pullman "la belle sauvage" (2017)

PLATTERSTOMPF:

01 cosey fanni tutti "art sex music" (2017) 02 david keenan "this is memorial device" (2017) 03 joanne demers "drone and apocalypse" (2015) 04 + joanne demers "listening through the noise" (2010) 05 robert barry "the music of the future" (2017)

06 richard cabut & andrew gallix (eds) "punk is dead: modernity killed every night" (2017) 07 butt gavin, kodwo eshun, & mark fisher (eds) "post punk then and now" (2016)" 08 sandra garrido "why are we attracted to sad music" (2016) 09 tomas serrien "klank: een filsofie van de muzikale ervaring" (2017) 10 marlies de munck "waarom chopin de regen niet wilde horen" (2017)

11 daniel warner "live wires" (2017) 12 will carruthers "playing the bass with three left hands" (2016) 13 steve hanley "the big midweek-life inside the fall (2016) 14 tex perkins "tex" (2017) 15 mark lanegan "i am the wolf" (2017)

17 simon reynolds "shock & awe" (2016) 18 andrew o'neill "a history of heavy metal" (2017) 19 bryan ray turcotte "the fucked up reader" (2007) 10 bob batchelor (ed) "literary cash" (2017) 20 simon webb "a 1970s teenager. from bell-bottoms to disco dancing" (2013)

         both bell-bottoms and disco dancing can be had @ muntpunt !

POESISSTOMPF:

01 jonty tiplady "zam bonk dip" (2010) 02 murray lachlan young "how freakin' zeitgeist are you?" (2017)

BILDERSTOMPF:

01 peter-andré bloch "sils-maria - "l'île bienheureuse" pour nietzsche" (2017)

02 willem vanhuyse "atlas van de imaginaire verklaringen: het complete handboek vor de 'patafysicus'" (2017) 03 reinhard kleist "nick cave: mercy on me" (2017) 04 william gibson "archangel (a graphic novel)" (2017) 05 a. uderzo, didier conrad & jean-yves ferri "astérix et la transitalique" (2017)

WISSENSCHAFTSTOMPF:

01 thibault damour & mathieu burniat "mysteries of the quantum universe" (2017) 02 brian cox & jeff forshaw "universal: a journey through the cosmos" (2017)

HUMOURSTOMPF:

01 james acaster "james acaster's classic scrapes" (2017)

02 chris wade “the story of derek and clive” (2017)

CYCLOSTOMPF:

01 frederik bakelandt "grinta! de bergen: 10 legendarsche wielercols" (2017)

02 lucien van impe & filip osselaer "de dag dat ik de tour verloor" (2017) 03 jonas heyerick & jelle vermeersch "bahamontes #17-#20" (2017) 04 frank strack "the hardmen: legends of the cycling gods" (2017) 05 matthias m. r. declercq "de val" (2017)

… tsundoku !

may your home be safe from tigers, leroy, x HNY!

the TBR pile grew with...

lászló krasznahorkai "the world goes on" (2017) samanta schweblin "fever dream" (2017)

peter mark, peter helman & penny snyder (eds) "the mountains in art history" (2017)

alvin lucier (ed) "eight lectures on experimental music" (2017) rhian e jones & eli davies "under my thumb: songs that hate women and the women who love them" (2017)

arne dahl "watching you" (2017) philip kerr "prussian blue" (2017) antti tuomainen "the man who died" (2017) jon michelet "the frozen women" (2017) nicolás obregón "blue light yokohama" (2017)

alex lamb "exodus" (2017) c robert cargill "sea of rust" (2017) chris brookmyre "places in the darkness" (2017) d nolan clark "forgotten worlds" & "forbidden suns" (2017) dan moren "the caledonian gambit" (2017) elizabeth moon "cold welcome" (2017) ferrett steinmetz "the uploaded" (2017) greg egan "dichronauts" (2017) ian whates "the ion raider" (2017) jaine fenn "the martian job" (2017) jamie sawyer "pariah" (2017)

jeff noon "a man of shadows" (2017) joe m mcdermott "the fortress at the end of time" (2017) joe zieja "communication failure" (2017) john kessel "the moon and the other" (2017) john meaney "destructor function" (2017) jonathan strahan (ed) "best sf &f of the year vol 11" & "infinity wars" (2017) kameron hurley "the stars are legion" (2017) kay kenyon "at the table of wolves" (2017) malka older "null states" (2017) marina j. lostetter "noumenon" (2017)

martha wells "all systems red" (2017) neil clark (ed) "galactic empires" & "more human than human" (2017) paul mcauley "austral" (2017) r.e. stearns "barbary station" (2017) robert kroese "last iota" (2017) sage walker "the man in a tree" (2017) stephen baxter "obelisk" (2017) + stephen baxter "the massacre of mankind" (2017) sulari gentill "crossing the lines" (2017) the justified ancients of mu mu “2023 a trilogy” (2017) wendy n. wagner "an oath of dogs" (2017)

[televinita]

Zoo 3.12

Preview: Sam can go DIAF with Abigail, Interrupting Dariela is the worst and the writers need to stop using her to squee-block me, Mitch/Jamie is my everything and I need Jackson to come back into the fold with them, and how the hell did I come up with so many words for an episode that was mostly plot advancement and only had like five standout scenes.

Mitch/Jamie 1. Looks like at least part of my headcanon last week about Mitch letting Jamie out can't be jossed! I'm so glad we got this scene in a sneak peek, because I replayed Jackson's indignation and Mitch's cheerfully dismissive response to it about 80 times. 2. Would it be irresponsible of me to assume that they spent last night together? Because part of me is still wondering if they've even touched in the wake of everything, but I would really like to believe they drowned their sorrows in each other. I don’t know how to reconcile the easy banter of the next number or the fact that they don’t touch in this episode. 3. I love the glee Mitch takes in pestering Jamie about her apparent fear of babies, all geared up to tease her mercilessly -- this must be the most fun he's had in days -- and how fast the truth wipes the smug smirk off his face. It's beautiful and terrible and I hope it socked him right in the gut to see the extent of the damage his words did. If he didn't introduce the thought into her head, he sure cemented whatever doubts she already had. 3.5. And kudos to Kristen Connolly for being able to sell those lines with a straight face, because on paper it looks hella dramatic to be like "I'm so awful that I will physically curse a baby if I touch it" 4. I am little embarrassed that my headcanon gets shot down when Mitch not only doesn't take back the darkness line, he doubles down to include himself in it -- but I also really, really like him admitting he would have killed Abigail himself?  "I've been thinking" is a fic prompt and I would love a little character study of Mitch coming to this realization, but either way, I’m intrigued by Dark!Mitch. I want the antidote in hand, I need to be able to believe they will eventually run away and find the light at the end of tunnel, but right now I could be very into a Dark & Twisty OTP of Pain and Feelings. 5. "She kept me away from everything and everyone I ever cared about. Everyone I love." Said with bold and unflinching eye contact and I am 6% frustrated that this is about the third time he's confessed his feelings and Jamie is still batting a hundred on insufficient reactions to them, but 94% overjoyed that the L word is out there to more than just some thugs in a bar. Sometimes there are more exciting ways to hear it than the standard 3-word way. (not that I would turn that down) 6. Now I just need to know who is responsible for Interrupting Dariela arriving on TWO SEPARATE OCCASIONS instead of extending either "darkness" convo scene literally ten or twelve more seconds for some kind of proper resolution before a scene change. Tell me he wasn’t about to reach for her hand in the first one. (Also. It takes a magnifying glass and freeze framing, but I'm pretty sure in the split second before they get interrupted the second time, it looks like their hands were or about to be in contact and are drawing apart as the shot goes wide?) A Series Of Live Viewing Reactions To Clem's Baby Daddy 1. Awwww @ Sam hoping (in vain) that Mitch will accept him as a real member of the family. 2. WHAT THE SHIT, SAM. I TRIED TO BE NICE TO YOU. 3. All right, abort that whole plan from last week about letting him be HOH, Sam can fuck off and die and I hope Mitch takes such full ownership of the baby* that he takes to introducing him to people as "my kid, once removed." I'm not Jackson and I don't care who was raised by a madwoman. If Abe's voice + everyone's love for Clementine didn't convince you you're on the wrong team, you are beyond help and I’ll put you down.

*I don't think I can fully convey to you the amount I love Mike Baxter's relationship with Boyd on Last Man Standing, mostly because I'm not sure how many people know this show exists. 4. ...ABIGAIL R U SERIOUS. (Guys, I'm sorry if I previously claimed to be off the sympathy-for-the-devil train; those were lies but I am sure as hell off it now with her baby-snatching reveal and subsequent taunting. That's not even emotional torture porn, that is just cruelty for its own sake.) 5. Welp, I think you know what this means, Mitch and Jackson bonding over shooting straight from raising a baby to parenting a 20-year-old Y/Y?? 6. But seriously, I am so upset at not even considering this theory before today. He's the right age! He's a conveniently random orphan! This show is all, "People love twists!" I kept assuming the father of the Miracle Baby had to be someone super significant! The biggest kicker of all is that I've assumed from the get-go that Jackson's late wife was black (which I hope is not somehow racist to assume?), and Sam is right there looking plausibly biracial as heck, and somehow not once did those two threads of thought ever cross. Come On Guys, Be Bros When I made this tongue-in-cheek request last year re: Mitch and Jackson, I could not in my wildest dreams have imagined them to one day share a grandchild, so while I honestly don't care how Jackson's being-a-daddy issues will play out, I care VERY MUCH what it means that he and Mitch are now on the same family tree, starting with how he now has an ironclad excuse to bond with Clementine and never be out of her life again. (I guess he can bond with his actual kid too. if he must.)

But that short chat on the upper level, just listening to them talk about their respective families is like catnip to my ears. I don't know how I'm supposed to read Mitch's expression after Jackson walks off in his "you worry about your family, let me worry about mine" huff, so I've elected to interpret it as "You're my family too, dumbass." (hush and let me have my dream) (Also I would kind of like to know why Jackson is still as willing to talk rationally with Mitch as he is given that Mitch is on Team Jamie, or as Jackson prefers to call it, She Devil Incarnate. I mean, it boils down to Jackson being a sexist jerk, but I still want to have All The Thinky Thoughts about how Mitch functions as a go between.) Beta Ship 2.0 MY SHIP RADAR IS BACK ON AND FULLY FUNCTIONING. I don't want to scare it away by being too excited about it. Just know that my heart burst into bloom when they got their reunion hug*, crescendoed for the kiss, and by the time they were fawning over the baby together it was pretty well at a tea kettle pitch. *Abe and Dariela take over as the center of the frame immediately, but am I looking at it or listening to them at all? No. I'm trying to shove them out of the way and peering at the edge of the screen where my new faves are nearly out of the frame, persistently tracking Jackson's hands on Tessa as they examine her cut and cup the back of her head and asdlkasjdfasd time to go dig up the 3x01 Time Capsule O' Sweetness. Various and Sundry -I enjoyed the writers finally acknowledging how awfully prone to hacking / general failure this plane is. -This was going to be its own category, but it's late, so suffice to say that Mitch + Not Being A Mess Of Emotions About His Dead Father was very nicely dovetailed with concern for Clem and a cute debate about baby names, and I'm just happy they addressed it all, if still annoyed that the impact of Max's death on Jamie was not. -Jackson takes up Mitch's vacated seat next to Clementine when the plane starts falling and has his hand bracing the baby's head and yes hello I am dying. -Clem is so excited to offer her baby to Jamie for holding, even eager to reassure her "you won't hurt him," and yes hello I am dying again. -"I know I'm right. Want to be more specific?" = thank u for this small slice of "sass that totally happens in the Normal World AU of Domesticity" (also, the pushing up his glasses bit here? ridiculously cute)

-"I don't need you to tell me what needs to be done [about Abigail]." OK Jackson, but like...you kinda do.   

-I told you before I had 18 heart attacks watching this episode live, so I don't think it's unreasonable to mention dying again re: the part where Jamie has the baby foisted upon her before she can protest, and Baby immediately stops crying*... Wait, no, this is the opposite of dying. This moment is Life.

-*nice insufficient reaction to noticing her finally holding the baby, Mitch. Who is directing this episode, because they are Bad at it. -I literally could not be more neutral about Logan's face or potential longevity. I am a 0 on the PH scale of feelings. -Everything about Jackson's final face off with Abigail and her stupid endless villain gloating was the wooorst. -I am a little concerned that reaching the barrier is supposed to qualify as our traditional episode 12 "get off now if you want this series to have a happy ending" exit, both because it's not that satisfying and because there is way too much left unresolved. I can only hope this means that we'll get it near the end of the real finale, with only a tiny twist at the end to set up a hypothetical season 4 that can be easily pinched off and forgotten if need be. Up Next: I'm not sure if I can watch the finale live. I have to have all my work done 6 hours earlier than usual, and then I'm taking off to go dog-sit all day, and if I watch it live I am gonna be useless from the time it starts airing until I drop from emotional exhaustion around 3 AM. If I can get enough work done by 9 PM, I probably will, but I also kind of want to savor it in case this is the last new one I ever get.

[megsblackfirewrites]

An Alpha Omega: Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Jack glanced at Gabriel and shook his head. “You seem to be getting this just fine,” he said. “I don’t know why you insisted on me helping you.”

Gabriel looked at him and smiled. “You really that oblivious, Jack?” he asked. “Maybe I just wanted to spend some time alone with you.”

Jack felt the flush rush up his throat to his cheeks. “Alone...with me?” he asked.

“That’s what I said,” Gabriel purred as he leaned in close. “Mmm, I find your scent enthralling. It’s so sweet and soft, just like you.”

“Gabriel,” Jack trembled as the Alpha leaned in close. “You….”

He was suddenly tipping sideways out of his chair and landed with a yelp on the floor. He blinked awake and grinned sheepishly up at Shimada, clearing his throat as the rest of the living room glanced over at him. Oh, he did not need them judging him for falling off the couch.

“Sorry, did I fall asleep?” he asked.

“Yes,” Shimada huffed. “And you were starting to hump my leg.”

“I am so sorry,” Jack whispered, horrified that he’d just about included the conservative man in his wet dream.

The whole first year floor had gravitated towards each other over the month and they were a ramshackle pack. Jack had no idea who the leader was, but he knew that he and Vanessa were somewhere up near the top with Shimada falling in just behind them. It was a weird familial bond growing between them and the one thing he was quick to pick up on was the fact that Shimada did not like sexual things happening around him.

“Dreaming about yer Alpha?” Vanessa teased from where she was seated with a pile of other Omegas draped over her.

Vanessa had become the den-mother of their floor. A woman named Aleksandra Zaryanova was in charge of the entire building, but Jack had yet to trip over her in the month he’d been at the university. So, Vanessa, in all her snarly, broody glory, had taken everyone under her wing and started fighting off suitors that came knocking on the door to the dorms looking for an easy lay.

“Shut up, Van,” Jack huffed as he flopped back onto the couch. “Let me enjoy the fact that I’ve finally found an Alpha that’s not a total dickbag. He’s not perfect, but he at least admits to his stupidity.”

“I’m not sayin’ it’s a bad thing,” she said. “Just that yer dreamin’ about him. Yer in too deep already, sweetie.”

“Hey, just because you’ve never found anyone,” Jack smirked.

“And I don’t need any Alpha bossin’ me around,” Vanessa snorted and ran her fingers through Mei’s hair. “I pilot my own ship.”

“You really aren’t afraid that you will be lonely?” Mei asked.

“Nah,” Vanessa shook her head. “I got friends fer that.”

The rest of the couch nodded in agreement before turning their attention back to the movie that they were watching. Jack had been bored with it immediately, but it was supposed to be something safe and unassuming for the more sensitive souls in the building. Couldn’t make them feel uncomfortable now; it might cause their minds to grow and experience discomfort.

“I’m heading to bed,” Jack huffed after ten minutes.

He stood up and the rest of the floor followed him. There were way too many of them to take the elevator, so they trotted up the stairs, laughing and joking about how bad the movie was. Lúcio and Mei re-enacted one of the dumb romantic moments, pretending to swoon in each other’s arms over how perfect they were for each other.

“Perfect even though we are both Omegas and doomed to never be happy,” Mei placed the back of her hand against her head.

“Yah, and we’re totally going to invite an Alpha into the bedroom because you just can’t satisfy me the way I need, but I totally love you,” Lúcio cackled.

“We’re only here to look pretty for the Alphas,” Jamieson joined in, leaning a little heavily on Mei.

“Ow, Jamie; that hurts,” Mei hissed.

“Oh, sorry,” Jamie immediately backed off. “Ferget sometimes that the metal arm isn’t comfy.”

Jack laughed as he pushed the door to their floor open with his back. He turned around as Mei squeaked and froze, staring at the three people standing in the middle of the hallway. The three Alphas turned, their eyes predatory and hungry. They shouldn’t have been here, but there they were on the first-year and international student floor.

Vanessa immediately bristled and snarled, shifting to block the others from sight. She was taller than just about everyone and she had no problem with her attempts to hide them. Shimada stepped forward, baring his teeth as he pushed one of the smaller Omegas behind him. Others stepped forward, creating a protective barrier of bodies between themselves and the Alphas. Jack stared the Alphas down before he relaxed his stance and cocked his head to the side.

The reaction from the rest of the Omegas was immediate. The snarling died down and they went from aggressive posturing to battle-ready. They were waiting for the signal to rush forward and defend their friends from the intruders. That wasn’t something he was expecting, but it made his heart beat a little bit faster.

“Aw, what’s the matter?” one of the Alphas sneered. “You don’t want to play?”

“You shouldn’t be here,” Jack said. “Leave.”

“We’re looking to have some fun,” another Alpha licked her lips. “Heard there’s some Omegas here that like to put up a fight.”

“Yer disgustin’,” Vanessa said. “Git lost before we make ya.”

“Ooh, that must be her,” the last Alpha cackled. “The one with the mouth.”

“Your intelligence level must be very low,” Shimada said. “Everyone has a mouth.”

“Figure of speech, hun,” Vanessa shot him a smirk.

“I am aware; I was trying to be humorous,” Shimada returned the smirk. “It apparently went over your head, my friend.”

Jack started to turn his head to playfully scold them and one of the Alphas moved. He barely remembered what happened. He remembered snarling and Vanessa rushing past him, but then it dissolved into blood, snarling, and screams as he shifted forms. His mouth was full of blood and flesh as he fought the Alpha that had tried to get past him, clamping his jaws around the Alpha’s shoulder and shaking his head as hard as he could. They were on the ground, but Jack was under him and tearing his belly open with his hind paws.

He wouldn’t let these intruders hurt his friends. They didn’t belong here and he would make sure they knew that. If he had to kill them to get the point across, so be it. They shouldn’t have trespassed, they shouldn’t have threatened them. It was on their own heads.

“ENOUGH!” a voice bellowed.

The Alpha was wrenched off of him, but Jack didn’t follow. He twisted and bolted, skidding to a stop when he realized that the rest of the Omegas were missing. He spun on the spot, trying desperately to find them, and froze to stare at the carnage.

Hanzo and another Omega were being held back by a pair of Betas, their faces and shirts covered in blood as they snarled at the crumpled form on the ground. The Alpha was trembling, his face torn open and bleeding onto the flooring. His right arm was lying at an unnatural angle and there was barely anything left to his right hand.

Two Betas were struggling to get Vanessa off the last Alpha. Her jaws were clamped tightly around the woman’s throat, her fangs digging in deep. The Alpha’s face was blue and her eyes were bulging as she struggled to breathe. If Vanessa didn’t let go, the Alpha would die.

“Van, let go,” Jack said as he hurried forward. “We won. Stop.”

Two Betas couldn’t drag Vanessa off of the Alpha, but Jack’s voice seemed to snap her out of her daze. Her jaws were already receding as she pulled away, the powerful fangs reverting to blunt human teeth. She licked her lips slowly as the yellow faded from her eyes and left them the familiar puppy-dog brown. There was no regret in her features as she was dragged away from the shuddering woman; Jack didn’t blame her.

“You four,” a huge bear of a woman said as she stepped forward. “Follow me.”

“The others....,” Jack started to protest.

“Are safe in their rooms; one of your friends made sure of it while you four held these idiots at bay,” the woman said. “Follow.”

Jack nodded and fell into step behind her. The others followed, the blonde that had fought beside Hanzo trembling. Jack couldn’t remember ever having a conversation with her before, but he was grateful for her help. Hanzo was doing his best to comfort her, murmuring that she did what she had to in order to protect their friends.

It took Jack a full minute to realize that he had mentally called Shimada ‘Hanzo’. He almost stopped dead in his tracks, but Vanessa was walking too close to let that happen. She’d have knocked him to the ground and created a domino effect with everyone else; funny, but really not appropriate right now. What had changed that he went from being respectful towards Hanzo to being familial enough to use his first name?

The huge woman led them to the house coordinator’s office and opened the door. Jack blinked as the woman motioned for them to sit and took a seat behind the desk.

“Oh,” Jack said. “You’re Aleksandra.”

“Da,” she smiled. “Call me Zarya.”

“Yer a lot more intimidatin’ than I thought,” Vanessa commented as she sat down, wiping at the blood trickling out of her nose. “Everyone said yer a big lady; I thought they just meant fat.”

Zarya chuckled and shook her head. “They wouldn’t have given me this position if I was not strong and fearsome,” she said. “Which brings me to the problem at hand; three Alphas slipped past my watch and made it to the first-year floor. Had you not been there, they would have seriously harmed the Omegas on that floor. Thank you.”

“But we mutilated them!” the blonde shouted.

“They deserved it,” Zarya growled. “They are forbidden from entering this building, but they did so anyways. They have no respect for the rules; they believe their social status gives them the right to have whatever Omega they want when they want. There are many ‘unclaimed’,” she grimaced at the word, “Omegas in this dorm. They think it is a buffet for their genitals.”

“Pigs,” Vanessa bared her teeth. She said something in a language Jack didn’t recognize before repeating it in English. “My teeth to their throat.”

“The police will be involved,” Hanzo murmured. “We will see jail time.”

“No,” Zarya shook her head. “I have left trespassing Alphas in worse states; although you and your friend did a number to that idiot. I will do my best to make sure this does not come back on you, but you will likely be detained within the dorms for the time being.”

“No classes,” Jack rubbed at his cheek. No Gabriel either. “Great.”

“Fuck,” Vanessa paled.

Zarya nodded her head sadly. “Da, fuck,” she agreed. “I will speak with your program coordinators and do my best to get you your lecture notes. If you can get them off of classmates…?”

“No one will give them to me,” Vanessa said. “I’m an Omega.”

“We’ll figure something out,” Jack promised as he covered her hand with his. “Don’t worry. You’re getting that degree.”

“Thanks,” she smiled before she turned to the blonde. “Angela, it’s okay. I know it’s terrifyin’ the first time you shift, but those Alphas would have raped us if you hadn’t.”

“Are you sure?” Angela asked.

“Positive,” Vanessa nodded her head sharply. “They don’t care about our feelin’s; they’re only interested in fucking a hole and claimin’ an Omega as their toy. They ain’t lookin’ fer a mate. They ain’t worth yer time or yer sympathies.”

Angela shuddered, but nodded her head. Zarya had them sign some papers promising not to talk about anything that happened until she could get the faculty off of their back and got some statements about what instigated the attack. It was a lengthy process and Jack had a feeling that Zarya was going to be leaping through hoops to keep them from being charged.

When they got back to their floor, Jamieson was waiting in the hallway for them. He scrambled to his feet as soon as he spotted them, grinning widely as he trotted forward. He pressed his forehead happily against Jack’s before excitedly explaining how he got everyone back to their rooms while the Alphas were distracted.

“They were scared, but I got ‘em to move,” he puffed his chest out proudly. “They’re all safe and tucked away in their beds.”

“Good work, little Epsilon,” Vanessa teased as she hooked her arm around Jamie’s neck and pulled him into a hug. “You did yer job wonderfully.”

“D’aw, shucks,” Jamie cackled. “That’s sweet of ya to say!”

“Good work, Jamie,” Jack agreed. “You get to bed too. It’s been a rough night.”

Jamie saluted before skipping off to his room. They said goodnight to each other and headed for their rooms, each bone tired from the fight. Jack got changed while Vanessa hopped in the shower, scrubbing the blood off of her while Jack picked up his phone to call his father.

“Hey, Dad,” he murmured as his father picked up. “I need to talk to you. I...I did something tonight and I need your words of advice.”

“What happened?” John asked.

“I attacked an Alpha,” he murmured. “I shifted and beat him up good. I’m...scared of the fallout.”

“Why did you attack?” John asked.

“They were going to rape us,” Jack shuddered. “Three big, stinking Alphas in a dorm meant only for Omegas and they came up to the first-year floor with the plans to have a night of fun. I...we….”

“Ssh,” John soothed. “You did nothing wrong, Jack. They were going to hurt you and your friends. There’s no shame in that.”

“I shifted,” Jack whimpered. “I could have killed him!”

“And he would have deserved it,” John growled. “He and his friends went to your safe place with the intent of hurting you in the most horrible way imaginable. You protected the people you cared about, Jack. That is what an Alpha does.”

“An Alpha Omega,” Jack rolled his eyes. “How wonderful.”

“Hey, they shouldn’t be coming back, right?” John said. “You did good, Jack. Hold your head high.”

“Thanks,” Jack smiled. “Love you, Dad.”

“Love you too, Jack. Sleep well.”

Jack hung up and got to his feet. He pulled his pajamas out and headed for the washroom as Vanessa stepped out towelling her hair dry. She shot him a grin before tossing the towel in his face and flopping on her bed.

“Hey, Pa,” he heard her say as he started the water. “Guess what I did tonight.”

[rberryonbroadway]

Tomorrow’s Just Another Day

Don't you cry for the lost Smile for the living Get what you need and give what you're given Life's for the living so live it Or you're better off dead

Prompt

It's amazing being able to walk around a empty theatre and try to imagine whether it's the right kind of space needed to put on a production, awe inspiring to imagine the shows which took root on the stages.  and bizarre to think that a Berry/Wales production might be set upon one of them. Jamie has been enjoying this part of the process more than I have because it's completely new to her. She's never stood upon a Broadway stage before, well Off-Broadway, but still equally as important. Being here feels a little like coming home, it's where I took my first steps as an actress, where directors took a chance on an unknown, still green... still at college young lady who could be a success or a failure.. It's hard to believe that we've come so far and are looking for a place to call home for Burlesque.

The past few months have flown by like a whirlwind, throwing my life out of routine and into some kind of organised chaos. My days and nights were filled with everything Burlesque, and between lyric and book writing, finding people willing to help promote what we had to possible producers, to setting up workshops and mini performances, to negotiation with people who were interested in producing the show.. I’m not sure how I kept my head above water. There is no way a person can be prepared for the amount of work and ass kissing you have to do when you want to write and perform something new on the stage, especially when you're not known as a writer. None of it has been easy, far from it, but if there is one thing I've learned from being rejected for parts in the past, you have to dust yourself up and keep pounding the pavement because someone out there will believe in you enough to say yes. There is nothing in this world that would make me redo these past few months, I would relive every headache, every aching muscle, make all those phone calls and go to all those interviews again and again because I know that all this hard work is worth it, no  matter what happens. If Burlesque isn't a hit, I can still hold my head high because I feel like I've achieved so much and done things I would never have dreamed of doing.

Concerts were always a lovely break from everything else, music has the ability to chase everything away and for one moment everything is right with the world, even though it's not. There's no denying how much fun performing at 54 Below makes me miss the old days of performing with Dylan and Toby back in Marion. Maybe I'll have to persuade the boys to get the band back together... for one night only... Now all I can think about is The Blues Brothers. Another movie to add to the growing list of things I need to see or re-watch. It doesn’t help that Hugo added a few of his own, apparently I need to watch the original Karate Kid films, The Matrix and Point Break.

Hugo...I met Hugo at Hannah's birthday party back in September, he was picking his niece up as a favour to his sister, we talked a little but when you have to entertain a room of seven to eight years olds you don't get that much time to talk. It wasn't until a concert at Hannah's school in December that I actually got the chance to talk to him. We arranged to meet up with Hannah and Kissi, took them ice skating and have met up every other Sunday since so the girls could hang out. I'm going into this with my eyes wide open, we're both busy people and we like the others company, but we're not looking for it to be more than it is right now. Once we start auditions and work shops, the free time I have will lesson, and there is a chance that Hugo might be moving states in a few months because of work. The possibility of him moving makes me sad but the idea of it doesn't cripple me any more.  Had this been a few years ago I wouldn't have coped with the idea of letting someone into my life, knowing they were going to leave. Finally, I've grown up.

There have been so many things to celebrate over the past few months, none of them hit me as much as Hannah's birthday. I can't believe she turned 8 last year, it's hard not to look at her and still see the three year old who used to sing Disney songs at the top of her voice and owned more princess dresses than Disney World. All her costumes have been replaced by others, Princess for Superhero's and sparkly shoes for tap and ballet slippers. For her birthday I took her to see Matilda and now she's decided that she wants to act on the stage like her big sister and dad, like her mother once did. She has no idea what that actually means but as with a lot of children she’s set her mind on it and is very determined. Of course I'm being supportive but part of me is concerned about her doing it so young. I'm not certain she'd understand rejection if she auditioned for a role and didn't get it, what it might do to her confidence. Whatever happens, whatever she decides we'd all be there for her, including Austin. So that's another change, mom finally asked Austin to move in with her and he finished unpacking his boxes a couple of weeks ago. No longer can I call him tall, dark, and handsome as there's a chance he may end up being my stepdad one day. It's been an adjustment for all having him join the Berry/Corcoran clan, Hannah loves having another parent to spoil her. Something tells me having him around is going to make summer barbecues a little more interesting, the Captain of the fire station is going to have to invite some of this fellow firefighters around sometime or another. Although my dads and firemen might not be the smartest combination, they do love men in uniform.

[the-lady-bryan]

Me and Luna Lovegood against the zombie apocalypse (with help from Jamie Lannister.)

Okay so, I fell asleep watching RE: Vendetta last night. The only reason I say that is because it's the only explanation I have for why I had Resident Evil zombies in my dream. And it was a dream, not a nightmare, which is surprising. But.... then again, I've had some really tame dreams that to me are fucking awful nightmares so whatevs.

Alright, so I'm a wizard. I'm not Harry Potter, or Merlin, or anyone cool. I'm just a generic, but pretty powerful in my own right, wizard. Not a witch. Clearly I was wearing the boys uniform. I don't know what house I was in, but I fucking hope it was Slytherin because fuck. I've always gotten Slytherin on literally every "what hogwarts house are you!" thing, except the one to figure out my Illvermorny house. That one was weird.

Anyway, so I'm besties with Luna Lovegood. And somehow I remember an event happening that was like, a prelude to this madness - the whole Raccoon City event which I apparently survived? The zombies have taken over Hogwarts. So help arrives and me and Luna cornered Thor who was there for some reason and were like "You can't trust the queen. She'll betray you." And so he's like "Nah. Circe's great!" and Circe's brother Jamie is in the back like "this guy is a fucking idiot..."

Okay so Luna, me, and a bunch of muggleborns end up holed up in the Headmaster's office because we're the only people who know how to kill zombies while Harry and his friends (except Luna) ended up dead because their dumb asses kept waving their sticks at them despite me literally screaming with a pickaxe covered in brain matter in hand going "YOU GOTTA TAKE OUT THE GODDAMN HEAD YOU FUCKING IDIOTS!" But of course that would make them "dark wizards" or some such rot. I left their asses to get eaten. It's survival of the fittest here bitches.

Okay, so anyway, Thor ended up betrayed by Circe because it's fucking Circe. Jamie Lannister is one of the people in the tower with us, and Circe has become some weird zombie/white walker hybrid and honestly it was fucking scary as hell but Luna took her out with a well placed accio, summoning the sword from a nearby suit of armor that, as it traveled, went right through Circe's head. It wasn't dragon glass but it sure did the fucking job.

We manage to bring the anti-appatrition wards down and get everyone in the headmaster's office to safety. Jamie, it turns out, ended up posessed by something no one else could identify but I was like "fuck, he's got the symptoms of being posessed by a kandarian demon. hold his ass down! i got this!" and i cut off his hand. because in this dream, he had both his hands. Luna conjures him a new one made of gold and it can move and shit like Wormtail's from the end of Goblet of Fire.

Hogsmede became a battle ground between the RE zombies, white walkers, and deadites. My ass is like "yeah, we can't take all that shit on." and we end up all apparating to London. While there we meet up with... dun dun dun.... Thor! And me and Luna are like "we fucking told you she'd betray you! and it got you killed!" and thor's like "but i got better!" and Luna's like "that's not Thor." and i'm like "i know. because Thor's dead." and then Loki, who was pretending to be thor, turns back into loki and stabs Tony Stark and is like "haha! it's me!" and then Jamie stabs him in the back and honestly it's the funniest thing. I laughed my ass off. and he's like "what's so funny?" and i'm like "Odin's dead, Hela's dead, and now Thor's dead. You just killed the last King of Asgard!" which is incredibly funny to me for som reason. And Luna, bless, just deadpan goes "I guess he really is the Kingslayer." And this just sets me off even more. Meanwhile Tony's just like "....did he not know I replaced this thing?" and takes the arc reactor off his chest because he hasn't needed one to keep him alive since the end of Iron Man 3 and it's literally only there as a means to power his suit that's like a second skin now or whatever. And Loki thought he was being smart by stabbing his arc reactor.... anyway, so me and Luna are like "zombies. white walkers. and now goddamn deadites. You're the super heroes. What do we do?"

In the end me, Luna, and Jamie Lannister end up leading a small group of survivors that we eventually ditch because we only kept them around as a means to slow down the monsters. See, we're stuck in where we can safely go. The deadites can go literally anywhere. The white walkers are more effective the closer we get to the north or south pole. And the zombies are more effective the closer we get to the equator because they don't freeze into corpsesicles.

Eventually I'm like "We go to the moon. It's the only way." And Jamie's like "but we can't survive up there. There's no air." and me and luna are like "bubble head charms bitch." and so we end up hijacking a space shuttle with some astronauts, keeping only two of them because we don't know what the fuck we're doing. All of us ended up on the space station, where we remain coordinating the survival of the human race from above while using magic to strengthen the station. Eventually more humans arrive from Earth, and then we move on to make a moon base - again using magic to help speed the process along. Eventually we manage to make a small colony of survivors. once the colony is self sustaining we launch all the nukes in different military satellites and scorch earth the entire dust ball, eliminating the deadite, white walker, and zombie threats....

or so we thought...

a rat....

a infected fucking rat snuck on board the last shuttle from earth to the space station.

fucking Wormtail.

[kentuckertv]

It’s The 10th Anniversary of ‘The Sopranos’ Finale: Remember Its Trump Joke?

Saturday June 10 will mark the tenth anniversary of the final episode of HBO’s The Sopranos, the hour that was titled “Made In America,” written and directed by show creator David Chase. It’s famous for having one of the most controversial endings in television history: Tony Soprano (James Gandolfini) and his family are in a restaurant when suddenly, an abrupt, prolonged shot of blank blackness fills the TV screen. After a while, the final credits come up, and millions of viewers were left asking, “Is that it? Was there a technical problem, or what?” I decided to look at the episode once again—I’d never re-watched it since it aired—to see if it held up, if it still had the power to provoke.

For most of its length, “Made In America” plays like any other (excellent) episode of the series. Tony has business to do, he makes the rounds, checking in on people, including visiting Silvio (Steven Van Zant), who’s in a coma, in the hospital. Tony’s lawyer tells him that he, Tony, might be indicted on a weapons charge. He visits his sister, Janice (Aida Turturro). He visits his uncle Junior (Dominic Chianese). These scenes are entertaining but also a little dutiful, as though Chase needed to check off certain boxes, let the audience see last glimpses of certain key characters, before wrapping up his amazing phenomenon of a groundbreaking TV series.

The immediate-family stuff is the most interesting. Tony’s son A.J. (Robert Iler) is going through a rough patch and has decided to join the Army, to become a helicopter pilot: “My ultimate goal is to go to work for Trump or somebody, be their personal pilot.” A decade ago, Donald Trump’s name was quick shorthand for a rich guy with a lot of expensive toys. The Army prospect bothers both Tony and Carmella (Edie Falco), who fear for the kid’s life. A bit later, A.J., who always had trouble deciding on a career goal and sticking to it, mentions he’d also like to join the CIA. Tony shoots back a sarcastic joke: “What, you gonna ask The Donald for time off from your helicopter duties to go on CIA missions?” The Sopranos’ other child, Meadow (Jamie Lynn-Sigler), is well on her way to a good life: She announces she’s engaged, and she’s becoming a successful lawyer—she just got a job offer from a firm.

In the final scene, the Soprano family is going to have dinner at a restaurant—the real-life Holsten’s, in New Jersey. Tony arrives first, settles into a booth, pops a few quarters in the table-top jukebox, selecting Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing.” Carmella and A.J. arrive next; Tony has ordered onion rings for the table; they chew and make small talk. Meadow is running late; we see her trying to parallel park in a tight space across the street from the restaurant. In the context of a thriller like this, a concentration on car-parking raises a red flag to a viewer: Is she going to get whacked before entering the joint?

The way Chase constructed the final scene, there are shots of a grim-faced man entering and sitting at the counter, glancing over at Tony, who picks up the guy’s glance. Two more men enter and stand around momentarily, as though looking for someone. The grim-faced guy walks past the Soprano family on the way to the rest room. Then the voice of Steve Perry rises to its awful crescendo, yowling the words, “Don’t stop”– and the camera focuses on Tony, and then everything goes black.

When the show first aired, viewers expressed bafflement. Social media wasn’t as prominent as it is now, but you knew the country was in a minor uproar. Critics’ reviews ran the gamut from “brilliant!” to “is that all there is?” Some felt it was too pretentious–too arty–an exit. Or that it demonstrated Chase’s failure to commit to a decisive ending. Others simply resented the idea that David Chase was just yanking our chain with a conclusion that was so eternally ambiguous. The most common interpretation seems to have been that the blackness meant a sudden death for Tony, that someone in the restaurant killed him (and, possibly, his family). But there were others that thought Tony’s life went on, that the show was just abruptly cutting us off from our weekly fix of The Sopranos.

Chase gave an interview to the Director’s Guild in 2015 in which he came as close as he ever has to explaining his intention: “The biggest feeling I was going for, honestly, was don’t stop believing. It was very simple and much more on the nose than people think. That’s what I wanted people to believe. That life ends and death comes, but don’t stop believing.” I have to say, I hate the idea that David Chase ended one of the greatest shows on television with a salute to one of the corniest hit songs ever. Thank goodness there’s no law that says you have to adopt the interpretation the artist imposes on his piece of art—indeed, it’s always good to remember that, very often, the person who created the art is the person least likely to have the distance or objectivity to interpret his or her work definitively.

Re-watching “Made In America,” I was struck by how quickly the blank-black-moment passes—it was over in just a few seconds; I thought it had stretched on for at least a minute. Not so. The screen became a black hole briefly, just time enough to allow all our dreams and nightmares about a Tony Soprano future to slip down that black hole forever. For me, I’m willing, ten years on, to enjoy the mystery of it–to just enjoy the journey, if not Journey. I stopped believing in tidy endings a long time ago.

[renee-writer]

Jamie and Arabella Chapter 24 Fergus Comes Home

"Do you think it is to much?" It is Saturday, the day before Fergus is due to arrive and she is shopping for last minute items.

"Nae Claire. I think it is perfect."

"I just don't want him to think I am trying to buy his affection." She worries her lip as they stand in front of the laptop display.

"He won't. He will think ye care about his future. That you want what is best for him. Like a parent." Jamie assures as he removes his daughter's hand from the display.

"You think?"

"I know."

"Okay." She picks out one that can do everything and adds it to the cart. It is already full of bedding, new clothes, shoes. When they return, Jamie lays Arabella down for a nap on Claire's bed and helps her finish setting Fergus' room up.

"He will love this." He assures her as they make the bed together.

"Are you sure?" She is still quite worried. She knows how to take care of children up until school age. But a teenager?

"Sassanech, he has never had his own room. Never had a space to just be. He will adore this."

Early the next morning, she is up. She makes coffee and straights the already clean house. Like an expectant mother nesting, she re-folds Fergus clothes. She is walking through ger house touching the top of the cabinets, when the doorbell rings. Her heart pounds until she recalls it is to early to be Fergus, who is due at one. She hurries to it.

"Jamie and Arabella!" What are you..?"

"I figured ye would be nervous. I thought it may help if ye had someone to wait with ye. And, Arabella has something for ye."

"Come in. It sure will." They walk in and Arabella holds out her hand.

"Here Miss Claire. Happy Mother's Day."

"Mother's Day?" She takes the card from her with a confused smile.

"Aye Claire. Tis Mother's Day. And, being a foster mam counts."

"Ohh." She drops onto the seat and looks at the card. It is a picture of her and Arabella. She is reading to her and, the little girl is looking up at her with loving eyes. "Where?"

"I took it. You two looked so..perfect. I had too. Made double prints. The other is in a frame by my bed."

"This is so. It is just..thank you Arabella and Jamie."

"You're welcome. Open it." She does and smiles.

"Is it us?" She asks the little girl.

"Aye. Me, you, daddy, and Feegus." The four stick figures have a message printed under them. "Happy Mother's Day Miss Claire. We love you.' "Daddy made the letters but, I told him what to say."

"It is so perfect. I love you too. This is the best card I have ever got." She hugs them both close.

At one, the doorbell rings again. She jumps.

"Ye can do this." Jamie says. She takes a deep breath and opens it.

"Hello Fergus. Welcome home." She draws him into her hug and he becomes a wean again. He lays his head on her neck, hugs her close, and weeps. The social worker who is dropping him off, just smiles.

"Home!" Is the only recognizable word he says.

"Yes home Fergus. You are home. Come let me show you to your room."

"My own?"

"Yes. Your very own." She leads him that way. Jamie, with an awed Arabella in his arms, stays back. He is here if needed but, ken's she needs to introduce him to his room, his home, on her own.

He looks around with wide eyes. His own bed, and not a twin. A dresser and closet full of clothes. A desk for school work. His own telly. And, a laptop. A computer he doesn't have to share with the other boys.

"Claire, I...this is..a dream. I have dreamed of having such. I never thought.."

"I am your mum. At least your foster mum. I want to make it as easy as possible to achieve your dreams." He laughs and cries as he throws his arms around her.

"You are sure doing that. This is so awesome!"

"I will let you get settled." She slips out with a huge smile.

"I told ye." Jamie says. She hugs him and Arabella too.