#△ main ›› ALL TRUTHS ARE EASY TO UNDERSTAND ONCE DISCOVERED. ▼

[bookreviewcoffee]

This book was read by me in November

Norwegian wood Haruki Murakami

I just finished reading “Norwegian Wood” by Murakami and would like to share my impressions and conclusions about this book. After reading it, it leaves a very melancholy but pleasant aftertaste; the author did a very good job in this and created a very addictive atmosphere. There is no sharp plot in this book; it tells about people, their daily lives, problems, and experiences, and more than once I caught myself thinking that the lives of the characters can often be similar to ours. Everyone openly talks about their problems and oddities, and on the one hand, it looks easy and simple, but on the other hand, it does not always help to cope with a difficult moral state, and this is very sad. Also, the theme of death and the value of human life and, in principle, each individual person constantly creeps in here. What's the thought? Every death does not pass by, and it leaves a deep imprint on the human soul, but at the same time, it always gives some lesson, and everyone decides for themselves how it will affect their future lives. About the value of people: each person is unique; everyone is crazy different and interesting in their own way.

There are no bad people; everyone just perceives the same person differently: for some he’s strange, for others he’s very cool, for others he’s talented and smart, and for others he’s a complete asshole who doesn’t care about others. If someone does not see your positive sides and perceives your uniqueness and individuality negatively, then the person is not yours. A book about a mysterious forest in which it is easy to get lost, lose your bearings, and never find the right path This forest is inside each of us. In it, you can find answers to all questions, explore every hidden corner of your soul, directly or through intermediaries, and constantly move towards the truth, even if it is very difficult. A book about the formation of personality, about pain, confusion of the soul, loneliness, and, of course, about the color and diversity of the Japanese soul.

Each person in the main character’s life is his way of self-healing. Healing the wounds inflicted by fate. Watanabe could not cope with the loss of his best friend Kizuki, could not help him, and did not know how to help himself. As he grew closer to Naoko, he tried desperately to pull her through, to help her cope, not realizing that he was struggling to heal his own wounds, to overcome loneliness and the fear of death.

All the people who meet him on the path of life are sick, broken, confused, and clutching at a fragile life with tenacious hands, and he furiously tries to help them with his last strength, imbued with everyone’s life, lives it, has compassion, and lets go. A wounded soul, like a tree trunk, tries to straighten up, blossom, and grow, striving for the sky no matter what. Every person he meets is experienced, accepted, and understood. The stormtrooper helped him discover purity in life and cleanse himself of dirty space and dirty thoughts. Nagasawa opened in him an understanding of the possibilities of the breadth of the world and the mind, as well as criticism of morality and unprincipled principles.

Over time, Watanabe stops tormenting himself and decides to start a new life. Having moved, he receives it, but at the same time, many experiences cover him like a wave covers a weak raft. Midori, the girl who lit the spark of life in him, turns away from him, doing this for educational reasons. She succeeds in this very well; she pulls him out of the world of the dead, in which he has already found himself with one foot. She brings him to his senses over and over again, thereby trying to help herself cope with loneliness and traumatic, destructive events.

So, together, they climb to a new life, to the sky and fresh wind, leaving the past behind.

At the end of the story, Watanabe helps another person, Reiko, indirectly helping herself. Pure, non-carnal, platonic love.

And Watanabe begins to understand that the stem of his life has become strong enough to try to be happy. Of course, this journey has just begun and will never end. This truly amazing resistance to death and the natural desire for light cause the power of life to awaken in everyone.

I was quite surprised by this book, because in fact, nothing extraordinary or unusual happens here, but nevertheless it grabs you and doesn’t let you go, because ordinary life is described here, and the problems of the characters can often be close to the reader. A fluid and smooth description of everyday life, surroundings, small everyday events that in their own way influence the subsequent lives of the characters and their moral state, growth or fall, stories from the past... all this really hooked me. The book is definitely worth reading. She teaches us to cherish every moment, like watching wildflowers in a vase, because they fade so quickly... they remain forever in our memory, because our life consists of them.

[ellekhen]

Hand, Hearth, and Home

Chapter 40 - Drawn to You

Chapter Summary: Reunited with the rest of their companions, the adventurers prepare for their journey towards the Shadowlands. Church seems determined to obscure the truth from his friends, but someone sees straight through him. A preoccupied Astarion discovers just one of Church's secrets, and it sets into motion a revelation of his own.

Pairing(s): Astarion x Male Tav (Main); Past OC x Male Tav Rating: Explicit Length: 185K+ words; Chapters 40/54

Excerpt below:

“May I sit here?”

Church startles as he looks up, pleasantly surprised to see the rogue that had crept up soundlessly behind him. 

“Of course,” he smiles. “I love to share a view.”

The elf carefully settles himself beside him. Church wonders if Astarion can hear the thud of his heart, or if the mountain wind somehow manages to drown it out as they take in the view.

The rising sun turns the fog below into waves of gold. Church feels a pang of dread as he remembers the view of the dark shadows stagnant over the Shadowlands — illuminated only in necrotic magic. 

“I’ll miss this, once we get into the Shadowlands,” the tiefling murmurs, gesturing at the sunrise. 

“Yes,” Astarion says absently, fidgeting with his sleeve. And then — 

“Do you have a moment?” he blurts, a stammer in his voice. “I — I think we need to talk.”

“Oh — of course,” Church replies, taken aback. “Are you alright?” 

Another wave of dread washes over him. Gods, his companion knows about the curse and everything the tiefling has been hiding, doesn’t he? But how? Did he spy on him and Gale while they talked and trained last night?

“Oh yes, I’m fine,” Astarion says, strangely flustered. “I just… feel awful.” 

Church blinks at him, his heart sinking. Oh — this is about something else entirely, isn’t it? He feels the harsh burn of guilt at the memory from last night. He hadn’t meant to spurn or insult Astarion. It’s the last thing he wanted to do, really. He had wanted him, but it just didn’t feel right…

“Don’t,” Church insists. “I know we’re not quite… seeing things eye to eye. I’m sorry for pushing you away last night, I was just so tired and—”

“—it’s not that,” Astarion interrupts him hastily. “Not really. Sort of.”

Church takes in his hesitant, torn expression. For a moment Astarion seems to be intent on surveying the view, his hands — anything but the tiefling himself. 

But then his red eyes flick up to meet Church’s, and the tiefling feels a jolt in his heart at how intense they are as they gaze at him. 

“Look,” Astarion says, gesturing animatedly as he finds his words, “I had a plan. A nice, simple plan! Seduce you, sleep with you, manipulate your feelings so you’d never turn on me…”

He titters nervously, and Church realizes that none of this comes as a surprise, honestly…

“It was easy!” Astarion says, before frowning to himself. “Instinctive. Habits from two hundred years of charming people kicked in! All you had to do… was fall for it.” 

His voice quavers under Church’s gaze. 

“And all I had to do was… not fall for you.” He scoffs unhappily. “Which is where my nice, simple plan… fell apart.” 

Church doesn’t dare move a muscle, blink an eye, or utter a word as he sits there — hand clenched white-knuckled upon his journal, utterly entranced by the nervous elf before him. He’s never seen Astarion so small and shaken outside of the time the tiefling had been brought back from the dead, or when the elf spoke to him after defeating Auntie Ethel.

But this time, the elf gazes at him with an awe Church has never thought would ever be directed towards him.

“You… you’re incredible,” Astarion confesses breathlessly. “You deserve something real.” 

His eyes… they don’t leave Church’s as they implore him to hear him, to see him, to understand that…

“I… want us to be something real.”

Church blinks, scarcely believing not just his ears, but his eyes. Astarion looks almost scared, but not in the way that often precedes the elf lashing out with spite. He looks warily upon the tiefling as he willingly sheds the prickly armor around his vulnerable soul, trusting Church as he hands him the figurative blade. 

The idea of it terrifies the tiefling as much as it flatters him. He starts to speak, but stops himself as he forces himself to look away from the elf — blinking the sun from his eyes. 

He can’t help but hear the nasty voice in his head, twisting the words the elf had just spoken so earnestly to him…

…it was all an act. He lied to you. He used you…!

“So was it not real, for you?” Church murmurs in an attempt to drown the voice out. “Did… any of our time together — the nights, the days — mean anything to you?”

Astarion bristles. “Of course they did! That’s the problem, or…” he hesitates, “...part of it.” 

He flounders for a moment, stammering over his words as they come. 

“Being close to someone — any kind of intimacy — was something I performed to lure people back… for him,” he explains darkly. “Even though I know things between us are different, being with someone still feels… tainted. It still brings up those feelings of disgust… and loathing.”

It certainly explains a lot, but Church can’t push away the guilt inside of him as he thinks of every compromising moment of supposed pleasure they spent together.

…of course you disgusted him. He didn’t want you — you wanted him. And you used him so selfishly…

“I’m so sorry,” Church babbles in his alarm. “If… if I knew…”

“Don’t be silly,” Astarion interrupts him quickly. “It wasn’t your fault. Any of it. You couldn’t have known when I was just… throwing myself at you.”

He sighs.

“The truth is, I don’t know how to be with someone,” he says, glancing regretfully at Church. “...no matter how much I’d like to.”

Start from the beginning!

[daybreakrising]

HEADCANONS - G.ALLAGHER & SIOBHAN

as always, these are simply my opinions on the subject, and i don't expect everyone to agree with them (particularly not any writers of said characters). however, there is one thing i will not budge on when it comes to this dynamic for a very specific reason, which i will highlight at the end for extra clarification. until then-

HISTORIC RELATIONSHIP

and no, i don't mean romantic-

of everyone we speak to in p.enacony with regards to g.allagher, only siobhan seems to actually... know him. most people haven't heard of him at all (understandably, given who/what he is), but not only does siobhan know of him, she knows him. he's not just a name or someone she's met in passing, he's someone that shares a certain degree of history with her.

when we first meet siobhan, it's obvious they're already familiar with each other. they talk like old friends (though i would concede to acquaintances at a push), there's a degree of banter between them ("you're not over the hill yet"), and she speaks like she has experience around him:

siobhan: and let me tell you, don't underestimate the bartenders of p.enacony, especially not g.allagher. this guy is pure magic... he can satisfy even the pickiest of customers.  siobhan: don't go easy on this old man. give him a real challenge.

she also honours his memory specifically in farewell, p.enacony, as one might say a final farewell to a lost friend. so i believe siobhan is one of the few people within p.enacony that g.allagher has actively forged connections with. on the surface, he has no obvious reason to do so-

A SLIVER OF THE TRUTH

-except for the fact that i believe siobhan knows more about g.allagher than one might assume.

just as a reminder, my main verse for g.allagher has him being the 'human' form of dormancy, aka, something unto death. both forms were created specifically for p.enacony, and he can be both g.allagher & dormancy at the same time to further conceal the truth of his identity.

with that being said, given siobhan's knowledge and experience with the dreamjolt troupe, i hc that she sensed something different about g.allagher from the start, though she never pried. what did it matter if he wasn't completely human, as she suspected? monsters are welcome in her bar, after all. it makes no difference to her.

because of this, i believe g.allagher trusted her enough to let a little of the truth slip. whilst he couldn't reveal his actual identity, surely it could only benefit him to have someone know he is tied to dormancy - and not in the way most believe. how siobhan came to learn that he is dormancy and not simply in control of it, i leave open for now - did g.allagher tell her outright, or did he simply leave enough clues for her to work it out for herself? if so, did she approach him about it, or simply acknowledge it silently?

regardless, revealing this "truth" is a deliberate act: both as one of trust for one of the few people he has forged a bond with, and to further cover the actual truth to ensure he could continue to carry out the plan as intended.

IMPORTANT NOTE

as i mentioned at the start, there is an aspect to this dynamic that i will not budge on, and that this is for a very good reason. and that is:

siobhan cannot know that g.allagher, in either form, is an avatar of the e.nigmata.

and the reason should be fairly obvious: if she knows, his identity is discovered, and he will cease to exist. he says it himself: "once something fictional is seen through, it ceases to exist" - therefore, she cannot know anything more than what he has allowed her to know / believe, otherwise it would disrupt everything.

to that extent, she also only knows the g.allagher that exists in p.enacony. whether or not she comes to know the g.allagher that comes after (as per my verse), or the original pathstrider who created him... well, that's another story.

[talubld-archive]

"Soooo if you have decided to remain permanently decoupled from the survey corps- what track are you planning on taking now?" He asked, seemingly out of the blue as he moved to sit by the child. He only had the vaguest idea of what had occurred on account of being seen as an 'outsider' by the majority of the people he'd encountered here, but it hadn't seemed very pleasant on either end.

He knew it wasn't really any of his business, but he'd never been good at staying out of things when there was something he was curious about. Back home, maybe Ingo would have reminded him not to pry, but he wasn't there to do that now. He was there, but he treated Emmet like he was a complete stranger. As much as he tried to just deal with it, knowing it was still leagues better than not knowing where his brother was or thinking he might be dead, he could only handle it in short bursts. If Emmet was around him for too long, he just got frustrated and upset and angry, and he always took it out on people that didn't deserve it. Even Ingo.

"The corps were not very helpful to me, either." He sighed, picking up a flat rock and trying to skip it over the lake's surface. "I am not always the best at sympathizing with others. But I know what it is like to feel stuck. Like this is your last stop, with no available transfers. So for what it's worth, I'm sorry. If I was not so lost myself, I would offer advice. But I don't have any. If you find a track that seems worth following, let me know. I'm at the end of my line." It was probably kind of stupid to basically be asking a kid of all people for advice on what to do or where to go next, but he'd already exhausted all of his other options.

@wrongtrain.

the ( now ex ) survey corps member looks out over lake verity with a mixture of emotions hidden by a stoic wall covering his features. uncertainty, rage, to name a couple, but never regret; to stand against regret would mean spitting on the ideals he holds not only about himself but that of the survey corps' hypocritical stance of the unknown. ironic, really, considering their main prospect is to discover the truth of the unknown yet they fear the very thing they sought for. to allow those from various regions to join their ranks, but to immediately turn their back on someone out of time - not only once, but twice, considering what happened with warden ingo.

to turn their back on someone who needed help after all he'd given them in return. was it too much to ask for them to trust him? of course, even rei understands that. that inkling of who he was before all this knew that too, but somewhere deep down he had hoped the people could see to reason - to see how he had nought to do with the events which had transpired; to see he had simply been following the orders given to him lest he'd be chucked out into the wilds to perish. yet the wilds is where he finds himself now once again. at least this time was by choice.

at least they had allowed him to keep the uniform after all he'd done, he muses bitterly.

" I was brought here for a reason, " rei finally regards emmet's question though it's easy to see even the once energetic and optimistic emotions he'd hold within his tone dwindled after the whole affair. " arceus, I think, sent me here with direction to seek all pokémon out and what happened with dialga and palkia seemingly calming down with me still here, I guess I'm living up to that. "

but where does that stop? to seek out all who live in the lands of hisui, or to travel and pursuit further into regions unknown? he's heard of a few lands here and there, some striking resemblance to regions he remembers such as the professor's homeland of galar, and that one security guard's home in alola... was it arceus' demand he catalogues all species from everywhere else, too, or just hisui? will he and ingo ever be able to return home? he doesn't know, nor does he want to to think about that until the time arises. at least this way he could still help the professor fill out his pokédex - this hadn't been laverton's fault after all, and rei would be damned to put someone else's dream in jeopardy purely because of the survey corps' treatment towards himself.

his mindless rambles come to a halt upon the realisation that emmet's words had changed from curiosity to that of despair - for a lack of a better word. rei's gaze tears itself away from the burning spot he'd created in verity's distance to return to emmet, frown eminent but replaced quickly with empathy and sorrow. he hadn't known much about the other's familial ties to warden ingo but seeing how they interacted, how he spoke about it all now, rei can't say he understands but sympathises at least with it all. to lose your family not once, but twice, even if they're there in form but spirits disconnected from each other. severed and likely to never return.

it was cruel.

rei sighs, but tries to give his best optimistic smile almost like his mind had been made up from the get-go. if meeting arceus could help the brothers, even if sacrificing his own way home, he'd take it. he'd take that any day. he's grown accustomed to this life now, anyway, doesn't remember a home. family. only those who showed him the kindness humans have yet keep so guarded. one being ingo, and he'd be damned if he couldn't help out in return. " you enjoy battling, don't you? there aren't many here who do but there are plenty of pokémon with aggressive dispositions who'd happily give the satisfaction of fighting back - as well as somebody who needs to fill out a pokédex of all species here. why don't you join me? we... don't have to travel together all the time but it's something worth thinking about. "

like the original journey of a trainer, his mind rings out in the distance. nostalgic for a time he barely remembers.

[hiswordsarekisses]

2 Peter goes on in more detail about these false teachers and false prophets. One of the main characteristics about them is their view on money and wealth. And the fact that, in Jude’s words, they run in the way of Balaam’s error and the sons of Korah’s rebellion. You won’t have to dig too deep to discover that there was money involved for a prophetic word with Balaam. I was pretty shocked to see how easy it was to find this out, yet how boldly people do this in so many churches these days. Many have been warned, yet they keep right on doing it. Just a study in 2nd Peter and Jude will get someone’s attention really fast, but they have no love of the truth. According to 2 Thessalonians chapter 2, it is the love of the truth that would save those who are being deceived by the lie that is coming on the whole world. To love the truth will lead one pray for God to reveal it to them even if it’s not what they want it to be. The love of the truth will still want the truth even if they know it may prove them wrong.

You will hear it more and more as the end draws closer and closer of how the Bible is not enough, and how it’s got errors - and you will even hear of people adding to it. I couldn’t see how it could be possible 10 years ago even - but now it’s just right in our faces. The ones who are not grounded in the written word of God are falling for anything and everything. And we have all of the warnings and prophecies right there in print and all we had to do is read it and study it and we would not fall for any of it. The devil does not even have to be sneaky when there is no foundation there to protect them. Especially when people get to thinking they are too “spiritual” to be deceived - that they are “above deception��� - because as soon as they reach that point they have already swung the door wide open and invited it in.

“Direct those people to the law and to the testimony! If their teachings are not in accord with this word, it is because there is no light in them.” Isaiah 8:20

“Peter testifies to the God-given origin of Scripture and affirms that all the prophecy contained in God's Word originated from God, not from humans. This assures us that God's message is infallible (i.e., incapable of mistakes or failure, never wrong, completely true and effective in its teachings) and inerrant. (i.e., free from error, falsehood or deceit).

Infallibility and inerrancy cannot be separated, for the inerrancy (i.e., incapable of any error) of Scripture is the result of the infallibility (i.e., incapable of mistakes or being wrong) of God himself and his own Word. (2 Sam. 23:2; Jer. 1:7-9; 1 Cor. 14:37)

Peter affirms here about the God-given origin and authority of the prophecy recorded in Scripture is true about all things in his written Word: “men spoke and wrote from God as they were carried along by the Holy Spirit." Believers must maintain a strong uncompromising view of Holy Scripture as inspired (i.e., given directly by God through Holy Spirit-led people of his choosing) and authoritative (i.e., completely reliable, backed by solid evidence and established authority). There are several reasons for this. (1) It is the only way to be loyal and true to what Jesus Christ, the apostles (i.e., those he personally authorized to deliver his original message) and the Bible itself teach about Scripture. Psalm 119 is a really good place to start.” (M.Hendrickson)

The Holy Spirit repeatedly warns that there will be many false teachers within the churches. These warnings against destructive beliefs and teachings among God's people began with Jesus (see Matt. 24:11, and were continued by the Holy Spirit through Paul in 2 Thess. 2:7, 1 Tim. 4:1, 2 Tim. 3:1-5, 1 Peter 1:1-22). Also John (1 John 2:18; 4:1; 2 John 7-11), and Jude (Jude 3-4, 12, 18). Once you start digging you will find even more. But the best thing to do is study - first praying for not only “truth” but for a “love of the truth” and pray for understanding, insight and revelation.

[ancestorsofjudah]

2 Kings 18: 13-16. "The Stripper."

The King of Judah could not rid the people of Israel of racism. They got so close to Shabbat, too. Racism is not of God and will prevent a society from achieving its pinnacles. Once you start disliking the black man, curbing the resources humanity has to offer all men, making life more stubborn towards them, then the gay man is next, then the Muslim, then the Jew, then before long, no one is able to understand or participate in the government.

The fight to preserve the racism becomes the main thrust of the priorities and then the arguments start. Before long the budget, the bridges, schools, roads, weather and environment start slipping through the cracks. It is the job of the King and the Prince to ensure no such bureaucracy of racism inhibits the proper functioning of the government.

Read now how the Melachim says one must address racism and bigotry and restore a kingdom to the level of God's Glory, called Judah:

13 In the fourteenth year of King Hezekiah’s reign, Sennacherib king of Assyria attacked all the fortified cities of Judah and captured them. 

14 So Hezekiah king of Judah sent this message to the king of Assyria at Lachish: “I have done wrong. Withdraw from me, and I will pay whatever you demand of me.” The king of Assyria exacted from Hezekiah king of Judah three hundred talents[c] of silver and thirty talents[d] of gold. 

15 So Hezekiah gave him all the silver that was found in the temple of the Lord and in the treasuries of the royal palace.

16 At this time Hezekiah king of Judah stripped off the gold with which he had covered the doors and doorposts of the temple of the Lord, and gave it to the king of Assyria.

Remember there is subterfuge within the Numbers. Now we will discover the real meaning behind the Fourteenth Year of Hezekiah and see how this pertains to ending racism in the government:

v. 13: the Value in Gematria is 5590, ההטאֶפֶס, the Tapestry.

We have gone over this before. It is the duty of the Jew and especially the King of Israel to find a way to weave everyone but the Philistine into society. Philistines, the violent and purposefully ignorant like the Mormons, go to the boneyard.

"The fibers of living are inevitably spun of truth and lies, generosity and greed, sharing and possessing, love and hate, joy and despair, dignity and shame, courage and fear, humility and ego, desire and denial, clarity and confusion. Choose fibers that are not spun of regret. Our experiences, observations, actions, and realizations can weave tapestries of giving and receiving.

Weave positive protections from harm. Patience allays misunderstanding. Listening grows trust. Reality defeats fantasy. Simplicity overrides illusion. Validation promotes success. Gratitude delivers satisfaction. Accountability defeats risk. Affirmation denies insult. Adventure conquers complacency. Reality binds expectation. Kindness lights darkness. Compassion battles fear. Courage earns admiration. Contentment supercedes passion. Respect yields reiprocation. Negativity breeds nothing."

v 14. The King of Assyria at Lachish="The Level Headed Lion King of Justice." The Value in Gematria is 6068, ו‎אֶפֶסוח‎, "And Ephesus."

We need an Agent if we are going to get rid of racists. They aren't going away on their own. The God of Israel is not the Agent, He is the Lion Headed King of Justice itself and has the right to ask the King of Israel to rid the world of racists, as easily as a lion rids the world of a lone baby gazelle.

It should be this easy to get rid of the Mormons, Republican Party, Vladimir Putin, MBS etc. as all the religions God has made have told us persons like this do not belong with the rest. It sounds harsh, but men who enter the government for purposes other than ensuring everyone is safe, educated, equal, and lives within optimized conditions must be put to death.

Do this without a single worry, get rid of them and...

v. 15: The Value in Gematria is 6386, וג‎חו‎, "and emerge."

...and start over.

v. 16: Stripped off the gold on the doorposts...Gold is what God teaches us about life. Gold coats the interior of the Ark, it is found all around the Temple in the form of many ornaments and decorative features. Gold is taken from the ground and within the fire of widsom becomes these things within a sentient being.

The King of Judah offered it in tribute to the cause of the just. The Value in Gematria is 9056, טאֶפֶסהו‎‎ ‎, tapesho, "stupid." The Hebrew word for stupid is "evil". The most evil person in religion is the Tax Collector. Why do we hate him? Because he is the one that says the cycle has to be financed or it must be forfeit.

Clearly the King of Assyria came to Judah to stop the unraveling of the tapestry, and our good King Hezekiah whose name means courage was willing to accept his kingdom top to bottom and side to side was not doing all it could to end racism in the countryside.

For this we need what is called the Doorpost, or the Homages called Mezuzah in Hebrew. The Mezuzah consists of a moment of worship that takes place at the entrance of the eyes, ears, the mouth, the nose, any place through which one comes in contact with the world and makes contact with it oneself.

The words are simple, Baruch Ha Shem, Baruch Adonai, "Homage to the Knower of All, Homage to the One who is Our Habitat."

Gold is likened to God's Grace. It must be learned about in the temple and given away freely on the outside. The government will neither demonstrate nor encourage Grace without prevalent faith in the population.

The removal of gold from the temple doorpost therefore represents the transfer of what is needed by the kingdom and its neighbors in order to find its Grace and end all racism.

Stripping the Doorpost of its gold and putting it do use was therefore not evil or stupid, it was probably the smartest thing any king of Israel in this Book of Kings has done so far in the performance of his job.

If you aspire to the Crown of the Kingdom of Israel, to be one of its Princes, or join the Assembly, one must dream of a world that has been stripped free of racism and inequality long before one ponders bringing the Crown Jewels within reach of oneself.

[cathygeha]

REVIEW

Saint Elspeth by Wick Welker

Intriguing, intellectually stimulating, immersive look at what an apocalyptic world might be like. It is heavy on medical terminology and scenes as it should be since the main character is a pathologist that has had to learn new fields of medicine on the fly as she adapted and adjusted to her new situation. Her job used to be in a lab that was quiet, controlled with regular hours – twenty years on   she has become a general practitioner doing her best to heal and save all she can no matter what the situation might be. She is the only trained physician in what was once San Francisco and the world she once knew is long gone.

As a retired RN, this book was much easier for me to relate to and read than the last book I read that had more to do with military equipment, terminology, and strategies. There were politics, greed, power struggles, thievery, gamesmanship, and other similarities in both books – rather surprisingly.

The plot was tight and well crafted. The characters were well developed and easy to visualize and understand. The cause of the demise of civilization was intriguing as were the theories on why the aliens arrived and what their true purpose was. I enjoyed the depth of thought that went into creating the world this book takes place in and enjoyed the fact that it managed to engage all of my senses. This story made me care, made me think, and gave me much to ponder. My reading experienced was enhanced by knowing the locations mentioned in the book as I grew up in California.  

Thank you to the author, NetGalley, and Demodocus Publishing LLC for the ARC – This is my honest review.

5 Stars

BLURB

Why did they come? When they appeared across the sky, speculation wheeled around the world—the aliens were from heaven, the invaders were from hell… or they were proof that neither existed. But when they landed, curiosity gave way to suspicion and the nations reacted with nuclear force, setting off a chain reaction that left the world in ruins. Twenty years later, instead of nearing her retirement, Dr. Elspeth Darrow struggles to forget the loss of her child and husband by plunging herself into the work of operating the last remaining hospital in San Francisco. With medical supplies running out and working herself to exhaustion, Elspeth must embark on a risky salvage mission into the heart of the Neo California danger zone. Here, she discovers the disturbing truth: the aliens have returned. As the mystery of the aliens' purpose on Earth unravels before her, Elspeth must hide what she discovers from reactionary despots, all vying to bring Neo California under their control. Aided by a band of pre-war scientists and new-world medical students, Elspeth races against astronomical odds to reveal the terrifying truth that might save world—or finally destroy it for good.

[strongerthanmypast]

Why I Wrote a Book About the Adult Industry

In 2010 I entered the adult industry and spent half a decade making choices that would forever change my life, until I "retired" in 2015. In 2020, after hiding everything for 5 years and trying to pretend my past was perfect, my life fell apart completely in almost every aspect, and it was in that moment that I chose to stop living in the dark. I started a step program and worked with a therapist on some deep issues, which revolved mostly around my past. I started to write about my experiences, and combining that with journal entries over those years in the industry, a rough draft of a book started to form.

I wrote this book mainly to prove to myself that you can’t heal from trauma by keeping it hidden away in a closet. Healing cannot be silenced. Healing doesn’t come from hiding away. You can try your hardest to run or create new realities but the darkness will lurk under at all until you revisit it time and time again. When you’re no longer afraid to share about it and to help others lives using your story, that’s uncomfortable recovery for me, and it is much needed for me to heal fully. It took years, but I finally realized that if I wanted to continue on in life without living any type of a double life, I had to stand on a rooftop with this book in my hand and shout to the world that the words are indeed on the pages. 

HERE is a video talking more about why I wrote the book and the process it took to write it and publish it:

Purchase a Paperback Version of the Book from Amazon HERE or Barnes & Noble HERE (Cost: $20.22 plus shipping)

Book Title: The Girl She Thought She Was

Book Summary:

Once an innocent, happy-go-lucky teenager from a small town in the midwest, she does whatever it takes to break out of the mundane life she knows all too well. She chooses a fake name for herself, "Ruby," and enters the world of adult films. Her curiosity brings her from one adventure to the next as she discovers her independence while feature dancing at clubs, meeting her fans for film sessions, and learning to edit and produce her own videos. Eventually she finds herself just outside of Las Vegas, in a small town known for its brothels. All she ever wants is to make her mark on the adult industry. Does she have the courage and strength to stand up to everyone who tries to take a piece of her soul along the way and make it to the top? Or will she discover that chasing her dreams is a dead end, or worse?

Here is a video clip of me reading a bit from Chapter 1:

In this first chapter you can start to get a glimpse of how easy it is to be sucked into the adult world, thinking it is innocent and creating more independence in your life. Boy was I wrong about that! Here is a video clip of me reading a bit from Chapter 2:

Chapter 2 shows you the path it took for "Ruby" to get from the idea of porn to actually on set. It seemed so thrilling, so exciting, so safe. She could hardly see how the men around her were completely taking advantage of her whenever they could. The business she creates for herself takes some wild twists and turns and in the end, she is left with a LOT of guilt and shame, and not much to show for it. Here is a video clip of me reading a bit from Chapter 10:

 

Chapter 10 is filled with emotions as the main character discovers that the road she has been on is a red brick road to hell. Nothing has been what it seemed at the beginning, and she is ready to take the most courageous step of all, getting OUT of the industry.

I hope you enjoy the book and know that you too can speak your truths no matter what you have been through! Being unafraid to continuously talk about my trauma and my healing is what will help others heal and in turn, help me understand myself more fully. If you're looking to begin to heal from your past, feel free to reach out!

[steveskafte]

EVIDENCE IN YOURSELF It's so hard to admit you're passionate when you're shy. Too often in this culture, we believe that those who feel most deeply are the loudest ones about it. As a kid, being an introvert wasn't exactly a choice – I was just too awkward around people to be anything else. But I remember seeing examples of heartfelt humans, most in books or on the screen, and knowing that it was something meant for me. There's an emotional connection in observing who you'd like to be, a sudden and obvious awareness despite the evidence in yourself. I remember watching movies with a strong romantic element, an intense passion depicted between a man and a woman, and feeling like it was an ideal I could live up to. Turned out much harder in practice. When I was nineteen, I had a short-lived engagement to a girl (let's call her Celia) who was just as shy as me. Truth be told, I never felt much attraction for her. But she was a good friend, and I'd spent my teenage years single – slowly wondering if my childhood dreams of romance were childish after all. It only took a few months to see how the relationship was a chore. I never got excited about spending time together, didn't feel much when I looked in her eyes, and the thrill of conversation never seemed to materialize. In short, we weren't in love. You'd think that'd be easy to recognize, but when everyone in your life seems stuck in shallow attraction or locked in monogamist apathy, who's your example for falling in love? We broke up just before Christmas 2006, a little negative present to end the year. When I was single again, I thought back to fictional romance as an example. Even if those stories were all an illusion, I chose to chase that level of intensity, or remain alone indefinitely. So I spent the next few years trying to be a more genuine version of myself, aiming to get what was inside of me out. I started writing, and bought my first camera, then began this daily journal in the fall of 2007. My main resolution was to look at myself more honestly. What did I hate most? Self-portraits, my image in the mirror. So I made it a goal that at least one of my daily photos would feature me in some way. The hardest thing to overcome was disinterest in myself. In short, I was aiming at becoming the sort of person I'd admired on the male side of imaginary relationships. Now, I don't believe for a second that people are meant for each other. But it didn't take much time to recognize Susy when she showed up. We met through my poetry online, in the early days of 2009, and quickly started messaging daily. Our first phone conversations went so long and late than we'd had less than a dozen before they eclipsed the entirety of my verbal interaction with Celia. Every time she picked up the line, it felt like that buzzing you get just after your ears pop at altitude, light-headed and suddenly focused. Susy was outgoing, extroverted, and so full of heart that it almost scared me. The next year-and-a-half seemed like a build-up to the exact kind of hope a much younger and quieter version of me has once held close. Susy landed at the Halifax airport in the summer of 2010. Everything was electric with her on that first visit, from spinning in the darkness under starlight to climbing waterfalls in the blinding sun. Even though I'd seen her in photos and brief videos, the very last step in falling for her was visual. Sight and touch meant a lot, but her voice came first. All these years later, from our wedding here on through, I still feel that heavy hiccup of being next to the one I love the most. There's no fading novelty. She's the presence I imagined, but better in every sense. Not at all what I thought, nothing that I planned, like the puzzle piece discovered sideways and upside-down – still the perfect fit once you get it all straight. It's important for you to understand that Susy is why I'm still writing now. She made me brave by believing. If one dream can come true, why not another? October 31, 2023 Avonport, Nova Scotia Year 16, Day 5833 of my daily journal.

[squarespaceadacompliance]

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[sobelows-a]

❝ as above, so below -- that phrase is believed to be the key to all magic. ❞    /    @maegtig​.

[shiny-jr]

I didn’t ask to get isekaied (II)

Warning: Yes, this is still a yandere thing. You have been warned. Gender-neutral reader.

Characters: Jack Howl, Ruggie Bucchi, Leona Kingscholar.

Summary: (Continuation, after this) The main cast of Twisted Wonderland is in ruins after realizing the player’s vessel, Yuu, has mysteriously gone out of commission. So when Grim vanishes and appears next with a stranger holding Yuu’s camera, they cannot recognize the player they practically worship and assume the worst: that this person is an imposter. 

Note: Might take a bit longer to post the rest because the weekend is over. 

Heartslabyul   |   Savanaclaw   |   Octavinelle

   Escaping the wrath of the crimson tyrant was not easy, but the confusing labyrinth that was the maze certainly helped. When you found Grim in the maze as well, you urged him to run and help you escape. Grim alone couldn’t fight the entire Heartslabyul dorm, and against their dorm leader he would be collared and magicless in an instant. If the feline monster got collared and was unable to use magic, he wouldn’t be able to defend you at all, so you chose to flee instead of even attempting to defend yourself. Those Heartslabyul students would not listen to reason, and if you even tried it might be your downfall. So the only option, for your safety, was to run.

SAVANACLAW

    That was how you ran through the portal out of the Queen of Heart’s domain, and through another random portal to lose your pursuers. The portal you chose to flee through at random, was the one that led to the King of Beasts’ realm. After a few minutes of waiting and not seeing any Heartslabyul students, Grim deemed it safe but you knew by the savanna environment, that being safe here couldn’t be further from the truth.

    After hearing news of a supposed imposter on campus, Jack took it upon himself to search for them. Immediately once classes were over, he’d resume searching high and low. Yes, other students were also searching, but Jack put possibly the most effort into the cause. He’d use his extraordinary sense of smell as a beastman, occasionally picking up on a scent until the trail faded out. With the new scent, he could make out the smell of tuna and fire, which meant Grim was with them. It angered him. How could that monster be so close to Yuu and betray them all of a sudden by partnering with the imposter? Him or anyone else, would’ve killed to be as special as Grim was to the player, but he just threw that away! It was only on the second day did he catch onto another trail with a scent and actually saw them, did he then understand a bit. This imposter… the sight of them made him doubt they actually did it, but only for a moment. They were weak, injured, and looked harmless… but the fact still stood. This imposter hurt the player’s vessel somehow, and when he recalled that, he was baring his fangs and growling at them. “I will get revenge for them! You can’t outrun me, imposter!!”

    It was true, you couldn’t even dream of outrunning the freshman. He was fast and powerful, so the best option was for Grim to slow him down with magic as the feline urged you to run, reassuring you he’ll find you later.

    So you continued to run, using parts of the tall overgrown grass to your advantage in order to disappear. Avoiding groups of students along the road or by the dorm building, you found the next best place to hide: the magift training grounds. You were safe… that is, until a group of Savanaclaw students discovered you hidden among the bleachers. The npcs immediately recognized you as the imposter their boss had been looking for. Even if they were common characters, these Savanaclaw students were intimidating, and by their words they had no intention of letting you go.

    Stopping the gang that grabbed you and before they could beat you, was Ruggie. The hyena, who was noticeably smaller compared to the big and buff npcs, was still respected by them and they begrudgingly listened when he told them to put you down. Even though he saved you from a world of pain, you knew he had something worse planned by the slight grin on his lips and mischievous glint in his eyes. He wasn’t saving the imposter, of course, not! He was just going to give you false hope, crush that hope, torment you, then turn the imposter into the dorm leader who would do much worse than the hyena could. Unlike most people of the dorm, Ruggie was not built with muscle or overpowered, but he did have his smarts and crafty deceitful nature, he could be cruel and vicious when he wanted to. Just as he saw your fear turning into hope as he scolded those around him for treating you the way they did, he then added with a smirk that they should’ve done worse. Tear into the imposter for all he cared, it was this imposter’s fault that he couldn’t be in the player’s graces right now. He began to heckle and jeer at you, allowing those onlookers to laugh as your expression dropped. “What’s this? You thought I was a hero swooping in to save you? How cool would that have been~! But no one would even want to save you!”

   Leona watched everything unfold from his balcony up on high in the dorm building. From the moment Jack tracked down and discovered the imposter, to when Ruggie and other dorm members had them surrounded and were ridiculing and mocking them. The dorm leader took his sweet time leaving his room and entering the training field. Why? Simple. Because he wanted the imposter to suffer before he arrived, and then when he got there, he was going to do so much worse. This stranger tore away the player from him, the only person who favored him and gave him the grace of their presence. For that, they deserved a world of pain. So when he arrived to find that only the jeering had continued and they hadn't yet sunk their teeth into the imposter, he was upset. So be it, he would be the first to do it then. When he was feet away, practically on the other side of the field, he demanded his fellow dorm members to get out of the way. With his magic, he practically whipped up a sandstorm, even from where you stood it was suffocating. He doesn't care if anyone else gets hurt, because they would be stupid to try and get close to him now. All he wanted to do now was punish the imposter in such an agonizing way that they could only wish for the release of death, and beat the answers out of them in order to get back in the player's graces. Maybe he'll even present a part of the imposter's corpse so when the player returns, they'll know he did it all for them. It felt like the sand was clogging up your throat, getting in your eyes and blinding you. You couldn’t see, you couldn’t breathe. The sand painted the sky orange, it practically blanketed the entire area in a wild sandstorm. "No matter where a runt like you tries to go, I'll find you. You are my prey. Tell me, what do you think I'm going to do with you? Because I want to do something even worse than you can imagine."

[lokiskitten]

Loki Laufeyson | first time

Loki Laufeyson x fem!reader

plot : you find out that Loki is a virgin and decide to offer him a chance to discover female anatomy.

warnings : smut, mention of virginity and graphic description of female body and genitalia, fingering.

Sitting down on the edge of the ravin, you allowed your feet to dangle in the void as your eyes scanned Alioth’s foggy silhouette which roamed the skies from afar. After entering the void, you had progressively began to lack fear of death, which easily led you to engage into risky paths and behaviors. God only knew how much time you had managed to survive there, though you always felt pleased to bump into new- and most of the time temporary- companions.

A few days ago, your adventurous self had met what appeared to be a new Loki variant, who surprisingly enough seemed to stand out of the crowd. He was handsome, for sure and like the rest of them, but you couldn’t help but remain on your guard as most of your former interactions with Loki’s of all kinds had turned out to be quite disappointing. Not to mention this vile and gruesome so called “President Loki” who had betrayed you more than once. But for the first time, this new variant managed to strike a little bit of positive interest within your heart.

“You should be more careful when sitting on the edge of imminent and painful death.” Loki affirmed, his voice leading you to jump just so slightly as you didn’t expect anyone to come and disturb you at your secret spot. Looking back, you shot the raven haired man a rather deadly glare before noticing that he was holding two meat skewers in his hands. You were soon to understand that he simply wished to spend dinner time with you, away from the other variants and the TVA agent you had yet to get to know better. Hunger therefore led you to put an end to hostilities of all kind, allowing Loki to take a seat beside you on the edge of the ravin.

“Thank you.” You spoke politely after he had handed you one of the skewers, your hungry self immediately going for the meat you couldn’t wait to devour. However, Loki seemed to behave rather hesitant regarding his own skewer- as if his mind was too thoughtful to even think about eating. After a few seconds, your eyes finally caught glimpse of his silent self- mouth pulling away from the skewer in order to question his state. “You okay?” You asked empathetically, tongue brushing over your lips in order to erase the marks of meat which had coated your mouth.

This question successfully managed to pull Loki out of his thoughts, the man shrugging just so slightly before finally agreeing to offer you an answer. “I was just thinking, as we’re lost in here... I just realized there’s plenty of things I will never be able to do... nor see.” The demigod stated, head diverting up towards the skies as he decided to take another look at Alioth. You frowned. “Well, what kind of things?” Your curious self asked him, mouth going back to the meat on your skewer as your stomach wouldn’t allow you to have a moment of rest until you would’ve finally agreed to fill it up. An awkward chuckle escaped Loki’s lips- a behavior that left you even more confused.

“It’s not so easy to say.. but I’ve been thinking about it once in a while.” He affirmed, earning a skeptical stare from you which easily led him to reveal the truth. His voice tone hadn’t been sincere nor very convincing. “...a lot.” He corrected on an embarrassed tone, his skewer remaining untouched at the moment as Loki’s main priority visibly wasn’t to eat. You couldn’t help but grow more and more curious regarding the secretive topic he was referring to, which pushed you to ask more intrusive questions. “Come on, tell me. I want to know.” You affirmed happily, earning a gasp from the demigod.

“Well.. it’s umh, you know. This thing..” Loki began to explain, hands tracing shapes before his stomach as making gestures with his upper limbs probably managed to relief anxiety and stress from his tormented mind. And as he stopped through his explanation, the raven haired man allowed his open palm to point forward as his eyes widened just so slightly. You continued to curiously stare at him, remaining silent and ready to hear the answer you were in desperate need to find out about. “I’m a man, you’re a woman..” Loki carried on mumbling, feeling more than ashamed by the confession he was desperately trying to make.

Upon hearing this obvious statement, an amused chuckle escaped your lips. “Oh well, I think I took notice of that since a while now.” You responded playfully, his green orbs diverting towards your amused self. “Let’s just say I never really got the chance to explore the other gender.” Loki finally managed to admit, formulating his statement in a way that appeared less awkward to speak. Thankfully, you managed to click. “Ohhhhh.” Your parted lips spoke, the raven haired man who sat beside you nodding in an embarrassed manner. Carelessly, you proceeded to toss the now naked skewer over the edge before turning towards your new friend.

Intimacy and human contact was something that lacked in this place- especially as most of the people who resided here weren’t really trustworthy nor attractive enough to make your little heart tingle. But this specific Loki appeared as another type of male you were willing to trust and commit to. And of course, you missed feeling the skin of someone else against yours, as well as melting underneath their touch and enjoying the cuddles they were always willing to provide. Tilting your head just so slightly, you watched as Loki avoided making eye contact with you, his cheekbones turning red upon sensing that you were staring at him. The truth was he was simply apprehending your answer.

“And would you like to?” You offered with a gentle smile, Loki’s head immediately diverting towards yours as shock and surprise reflected in his eyes. He appeared flustered at first, and it seemed hard for the demigod to spit out any form of answer- whether it would be vague or not. But in the end, he finally managed to drag himself back to sanity. “I mean.. here? Now? I don’t think it would be appropriate..” affirmed the man, twisting his body around in order to take a shy look at Mobius and the other variants who were having dinner underneath the small habitation they had found after being attacked by President Loki and his army of morons. You chuckled.

“Let’s find a cosy spot then.” You insisted, getting up from the edge of the ravin and extending your arm downwards so that Loki would be able to take your hand- which he did. The two of you made your way away from the small habitation, Loki anxiously looking around himself as if he was about to commit an illegal act. This sight amused and softened you up. Once the two of you had finally managed to find a nice spot which stood away from anyone’s sight, you took a seat on the floor which was covered in dry grass- waiting for the demigod to follow your gesture before you could begin to talk and organize your little explanative show.

He remained as anxious looking as before, repetitively swallowing his saliva in order to moisturize his dry throat. “The female body is very delicate.. you always gotta be careful when touching it. But you shouldn’t hesitate to assert a little bit of dominance either depending on your partner’s preferences.” You explained, earning a couple of shy nods coming from the raven haired man. Loki appeared extremely interested and attentive. He sulked his hair back, green orbs remaining starring at your face without ever daring to look down at your body. Noticing this detail, you decided to take things further.

Your hands took care of removing your leather harness before you took the initiative to remove your shirt, revealing your naked breasts to Loki’s amazed sight. His eyes went from staring at your left boob to looking at the right one, a smile appearing on your features face to this amusing sight. The man took a long moment to admire the perkiness of your hardened nipples. “You can touch them.” You offered generously. Loki didn’t need to be begged twice in order to move his hands up to your chest, organism growing overly excited by this moment he had often fantasized about. You were now able to feel his warm palms collide with your fleshy mounds, a gentle hum escaping your lips upon feeling the satisfaction which erupted from Loki gently squeezing your breasts.

“It’s.. soft.” He affirmed with a happy chuckle, earning another amused glance coming from you. He looked like an excited child on Christmas day. “Did you expect them to be hard?” You questioned playfully, the demigod shaking his head in disapproval. “No, I did not. The truth is.. I don’t really know.” Loki admitted before going back to religiously staring down at your breasts. His hands shifted, sending another very light shockwave of pleasure through your body. You tilted your head back, earning a quick glance from Loki who remained attentive to all of your physical reactions. In fact, he felt secretly proud to make you feel that way.

Whilst Loki continued to pay attention to your chest, your jumped on this occasion to unbutton your pants and get ready for what was to come. Of course, your tits unintentionally squeezed together through the gesture, the demigod growing wild face to such a ravishing sight. His cock hardened within his pants, the man biting down onto his bottom lip out of shame and embarrassment. However, he was soon to notice that you were now working on removing your pants, which led him to pull his hands away from your breasts. Clearing his throat, Loki patiently yet anxiously waited for you to reach the next step.

“This is.. thank you.” He spoke empathetically, your orbs looking up at his and engaging in a very deep and meaningful eye contact. You shrugged, this motion being accompanied of a simple head shake as you did not wish for Loki to thank you for such a thing. “Oh it’s nothing really. Besides, I could use a little bit of human contact too.” Your happy self admitted, earning a smile from the raven haired man. But the two of you were soon to divert back towards the main subject : your feminine anatomy. Your bare cunt was now exposed to his sight, though you had made sure to place your pants underneath your bum before sitting back down to make sure no dust would manage to come in contact with your intimacy.

Loki refrained from looking at first, a couple of throat cleanings erupting from his organism before he decided to make eye contact with you again. You titled your head, eyes squinting just so slightly as your hands reached out for his larger one. Of course, the demigod allowed you to guide his limb towards your crotch, growing nervous at the thoughts of finally getting to touch this thing he often fantasized over and thought of. His chest rose up and down, the raven haired man attempting to control his breath as you spread your legs a little wider apart to offer some extra space to his hand.

When his fingertips finally collided with your core, starting with your entrance as you planned on progressively moving upwards, a gentle shiver erupted from Loki. He finally dared to look down at what he was making physical contact with, his brows frowning just so slightly as he decided to take the initiative to guide his own hand for now. You let go of his wrist, leaning back on your palms whilst simply taking time to enjoy what your partner was doing. You trusted him to respect your anatomy and handle it with care. You felt surprised to sense his finger shyly penetrate your hole, leading you to unwillingly clench around his digit- which caught the demigod by surprise. Though Loki felt amazed about how soft and warm your insides felt. He immediately removed his finger from your entrance, looking up at you with an apologetic look on his face.

“I’m sorry.” He affirmed sincerely and shamefully, earning a smile from your amused self. “Don’t worry about it.” You begged, allowing Loki to pursue his educative exploration. “If you want to please a girl, the secret is to rub this little bud with the tip of your fingers.” You informed, guiding one of your hands to your core in order to point at your clit. “It can be up and down, even if most girls prefer when it’s done in circles.” You continued, earning attentive nods coming from your student. Loki moved his digits up to your clit, rubbing it in circles as you had previously explained and easily leading you to squirm out of pleasure. It had been so long since anyone had touched you- and even if you could easily please yourself, it didn’t feel the same.

And whilst you got lost through bliss, Loki’s eyes kept on starring at your clenching entrance- his mind wandering around different lustful activities the two of you could share. Oh how he’d love to be filling that delicate cunt of yours, to allow his sperme to coat your insides. Again, he was feeling just like an excited kid on Christmas who was right about to open his presents. His hormones grew more and more excited as time passed, watching your face clench as your head tilted back every time his fingers managed to hit just the right spot. However, he didn’t refrain from taking a look at your soaked and swollen cunnie lips either. His hips were soon to begin to gently rock upwards, frustrated sighs escaping Loki’s lips. The man’s cock was throbbing through his pants.

“Don’t stop now.. you’re doing so well...” you affirmed shakily, palms still holding your upper body up as your legs remained spread apart for Loki. Upon hearing those enthusiastic words, the god of mischief fastened the pace and successfully managed to adopt just the right motions to please your pulsating clit without ever bringing it harm. The overall situation drove your senses crazy as your body finally receiving someone else’s touch easily managed to send you head over heels. Besides, Loki appeared extremely talented when it came to handling a woman’s genitals. He remained focused on your crotch, thumb still rubbing circle motions against your core.

And just like that, the demigod managed to make you orgasm. A warm yet tensing sensation took over your overall body- this sensation being focused on your crotch whilst still managing to make most of your limbs twitch out of pleasure. Understanding what was going on, Loki kept his hand between your closed thighs, and that no matter if the pressure you applied on his wrist progressively became a little bit painful. In fact, he enjoyed watching you be in such a state. He knew that it wasn’t pain, and he felt overly prideful about being able to offer you pleasure; about being able to finally offer a woman pleasure.

“S- stop!” You begged through the sensitivity this pure moment of bliss brought along. Your body wouldn’t cease to twitch and clench, your clit feeling overstimulated by Loki’s rubs. However, upon hearing those clear statements, he agreed to pull his hand away and offer you a little bit of rest. Panting, you remained laid down on the floor, and that no matter if dust was now able to make its way through your hair.

[ second part available now!! ]

I hope this was enjoyable to read! Love you sm guys!

[orobaxi]

aftercare.

always brings his lover some water & a small snack, & will carry them to the bath if needed. will check your body for any injuries, & will always apologize, even after you insist that it’s fine.

body part.

he loves your face so, so much. from the way that you look at him when he tells you he loves you, to that soft smile you give him when the two of you finish. it’s perfect in every way imaginable, & he wouldn’t trade it for the world.

cum.

his cum is a bit on the thicker side, with a normal clear-to-white color. it’s neither salty or sweet, however, sometimes it has an odd hint of metal.

dominant/submissive.

zhongli’s a softer dominant that has his rougher moments, however, he’ll be the submissive one on occasion. while he enjoys being in control, he enjoys blindly trusting his partner just as much.

experience.

although he’s met many people who have been sexually interested in him, he rarely had the same feelings for them. he’s had sex before, but it’s been a few years since his last encounter. it’s completely understandable for him to be nervous the first few times he has sex again.

favorite position.

any position where he can see your face. zhongli adores being able to see the pleasure he’s giving you, & he loves being able to simply lean in & kiss you at any given moment. he’s particularly fond of having one of your legs over his shoulder, though. & to be fair, it allows for deeper penetration, so it’s quite understandable as to why he enjoys it so much.

goofy.

he sees sex as a serious act, & doesn’t joke around much. during foreplay, there may be a joke here & there, but beyond that? absolutely not. if you were to joke around though, he wouldn’t mind too much.

hair.

trimmed short, & he tries his best to keep it in a neater shape than what it naturally is. his pubic hair does match the hair on the top of his head perfectly, though… so, it might glow, too.

intimacy.

frequent whispers of “i love you,” accompanied by many slow kisses, gentle touches, & words of praise… or making you beg like a common whore for him to fuck you, only to leave you on the edge over & over again. it depends on his mood, really.

jack off.

while he doesn’t masturbate often – he gets embarrassed simply thinking about it – he always does it to the thought of his lover. he’d be absolutely mortified if you were to catch him in the act, though. i don’t think he’d be able to look you in the eyes for a day or so.

kinks.

begging, breeding, creampies, edging, gentle/slow sex, light bondage, lingerie, overstimulation, praise, & “sir/master.” he’d be quite vanilla before exploring these things with his partner, though.

location.

as long as it’s in a private area, he doesn’t care too much about where you two have sex. on a desk or counter? alright, as long as you’re comfortable. on a couch? okay, but let him know if you’d like to go to the bed. in truth, the bed’s his favorite place. i mean, it’s always going to be comfortable, & it’s a relatively easy clean up compared to a desk… he has a record of shoving all the shit on the desk to the floor before fucking you on it, unfortunately.

motivation.

dirty talk, lingerie, & teasing touches are the main things that get him going. he fucking loves lingerie – simply telling him that you have some on under your clothes is enough to get him hot & bothered. the thought of you sitting on the bed in that, waiting for him to walk in, knowing he’ll pounce on you the moment he sees you… fuck, it’s so sexy to him. for dirty talk & teasing touches, however, you’ll have to know what you’re doing in order to get a rise out of him. lightly stroking his thigh, just a little too close to his dick, or gently touching his sides… whispering how bad you want – no, need – him, telling him that you don’t care what he does to you, you just need him to fuck you however he wants… &, to really seal the deal, throw a “sir” or two in there.

no.

he could never agree to hurting you. while spanking may be iffy, slapping & punching are a hard no. there’s also the whole “consensual non-consent” thing, & it’s really because he’s afraid of you forgetting the safeword – & he doesn’t understand the appeal of it. after all, your partner letting you know they really want to have sex is one of the hottest things they could do… in his opinion, at least.

oral.

he prefers receiving over giving, but it’s only out of fear that he’s not truly pleasing you when he preforms oral on you. he knows it’s a bit silly – after all, why would his lover fake it? wouldn’t they rather guide him to where their sweet spots are? still, he can’t help but feel a bit insecure. of course, that won’t stop him from fulfilling your wishes. zhongli just doesn’t know what it is about you that makes him love oral so much. perhaps its the way you look up at him through your eyelashes, with those beautiful, teary eyes of yours. maybe it’s the way you swallow his cum effortlessly… or, maybe it’s the way your throat tightens when you choke on his dick. 

pace.

agonizingly slow for the first few moments, & then he slowly goes faster & faster. he always tries to stay in control of himself, though; you’re going to have to either catch him in a more dominant mood, or rile him up to the point where he doesn’t care about control anymore. pounding inside of you & gripping you so tightly his fingertips leave multicolored bruises – giving you no time to rest before the next thrust.

quickie.

while he doesn’t particularly like them, he may have one with you once in a blue moon. it really depends on how riled up you’ve got him, & if you’re the one who initiates the quickie. otherwise, he’d much rather wait until the two of you got home.

risk.

while he doesn’t like taking extreme risks, he’s up for a some smaller ones here & there. it usually takes a bit of persuasion on your end, though.

stamina.

surprisingly, he can go for hours on end – the only things that stop him are other responsibilities & his lover getting tired. if he has a rare free day on his calendar, though, he might dedicate most of that day to having sex with you. it depends on how riled up he’s gotten.

toys.

doesn’t own any. why would he use them anyway? half the fun is using them on someone else – or so he thinks, at least. if his partner wants toys, though, he’d consider purchasing one or two.

unfair.

he only teases if he’s provoked. once he starts, though, you’ll soon regret your actions. he won’t be bold enough to tease you under a table at the the third round knockout, for example, but he will be bold enough to utter absolutely filthy things into your ear that leave you a blushing, breathless mess… & this man has the nerve to say: “are you alright, love? you feel a bit warm.” with a worried look on his face, every single damn time.

volume.

when he’s dominant, you can expect deep, soft groans & almost inaudible whispers of praise. “you’re adorable when you say my name like that. keep saying it.” “you take my cock so well, huh? you’re doing so good, my love. you’re doing so good.” 

when he’s submissive, though, you’ll receive moans & whimpers that seem to be a bit higher-pitched than normal. he’s perfectly content with biting a pillow & muffling his noises, but then you wouldn’t get to hear him begging. “ahh– please, i need you so bad, my love. please– fuck–!” “it feels so good, it’s– it’s too much–!”

wild card.

fantasizes about his partner degrading him, although, he’s not sure why. perhaps it’s the whole “disrespecting a god” thing.

xray.

considering that he’s taller than average & has a slimmer build, one would assume that he isn’t too toned underneath those clothes of his. however, you’ll be pleasantly surprised once you discover that his looks truly are deceiving. for his cock, though, he’s average length, & far above average in girth. it’s definitely going to hurt if you aren’t adequately prepared beforehand – even if you don’t, though, the pain will fade into pleasure within a few moments.

yearning.

over the years, he’s become amazing at suppressing his desires. on some days, though, his drive seems to skyrocket – he doesn’t understand why, either. those are the days when, as soon as he’s done with his shift at the wangsheng funeral parlor, he heads straight home & either masturbates or has sex with his lover. usually, though, he’s up for it whenever his partner is – that is, unless they’re trying to have sex when he’s doing something important, of course.

zzz.

this man never seems to truly get tired – in fact, he’ll almost always be the first one to get up & start cleaning up any messes the two of you made. he’ll always lay back down & make himself take a quick nap with you after he’s done cleaning, though.

❥  stole this idea & (most of the) alphabet from @rosens-new-dawn​. 💞

[seabass17]

All that’s left | Pt. 2

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Fem! Reader

A/n: So, this is... a different reader in comparison from the one in the first part but I kinda like it? Anyway, Im considering making a third part and im thinking it'll contain some smut. I used google translator so please don't judge me. Tell me what you think. Happy reading.

All that's left pt. 1

Warnings: angst, mentions of scars, swearing, implied smut?

Word count: 3.263

Summary: After moving from her life in New York, away from the Avengers and him, she finds happiness and a life that she actually enjoys, but that seems to last little when she spots the familiar jet on the roof of the building she lives in. Is she ready to face them? To face him?

*Three months later*

The warm air surrounding my body made me take a deep breath and unconsciously smile. I was happy, I was free, I was whole. I was with my neighbor drinking coffee in our usual spot, which was a cafe near the main street of the place that I decided was going to become my new home.

“Продолжай рассказывать мне о своем боссе, который сводит тебя с ума” (Keep on telling me about your boss who drives you crazy) Andrei said making me laugh and shake my head.

“Не о чем говорить, он просто засранец, который дает мне слишком много работы и заставляет меня плакать” (Nothing to talk about, he's just an asshole who gives me too much work and makes me want to cry) I laughed. I had met Andrei a week after I moved in and there was an immediate connection. No, it wasn’t in a romantic one, god no, we were just really good friends that had a lot in common.

“Now now, that was not what i saw the other day when i went to pick you up from work” He said with a playful smirk plastered on his light brown face. I gasped, a fake indignant expression on my face while my hand went to my chest. He laughed loudly. “Don’t play that card, I saw you!” he added

“I don’t know what you are talking about” I said, trying to fight the smile that tried to come out but failing miserably, we both laughed.

He and I had become quite close in the little time that we had known each other. He was an American with a Russian name. He explained that his mother was from the states while his father was a russian spy, they fell in love against all odds and eventually, Andrei was brought to this world. When he was fifteen his father died and he and his mom went to America, where he finished high school and surprisingly, entered the military. He did two tours before he decided that he had enough and returned to Russia. Hence why he could speak both Russian and English fluently. As for me, I told him that I was in some sort of organization that worked for the government, and that’s why I knew russian. He believed me, thank God,  I didn’t want to talk about how I was part of the Avengers and why I left. Obviously I will tell him when the time is right and I know that he can be fully trusted.

“Oh, come on Ames, are you going to tell me that you don’t like him one bit? Not in the slightest?” he asked, smiling and I shook my head. He stayed silent for a second and stared at me, like he was considering whether he should ask me something or keep quiet. “Is it because of him?” he finally asked, watching me closely to see my reaction. I felt my stomach twist at the mention of him. Of course it was because of him, because of them, I couldn’t afford getting hurt and betrayed one more time. Andrei didn’t know his name, or theirs for that matter, so I smiled weakly and nodded.

“Yeah, I know it sounds stupid but… I just can’t afford getting hurt, not again, not anymore” I said looking at my hands.

“I understand, believe me I do” he said, his hand reaching out to hold mine. I looked up to find his brown eyes looking for mine, I saw nothing but genuine love -the friendly kind- in them. I smiled and squeezed his hand. He was going to say something but his phone rang; a notification. He withdrew his hand to look at his phone and the moment he did, people around us started getting up and running in the same direction. I looked at him confused to find him frowning at his phone.

“What is it?” i asked.

“The Avengers are here…” He said and my heart skipped a beat and my body went rigid. Andrei noticed. “What 's wrong?”. Well, there’s no use keeping him from the truth anymore.

“So, remember when I told you that I worked for an organization for the government? Okay don’t freak out and hate me but, here it goes” I took a deep breath. “That organization was called The Red Room were they trained me from a very young age to be a perfect cold-blooded killer, years later i escaped and was on the run until i got a new identification, name, address, new everything and then joined the avengers to amend the wrongs I made in the past. To my luck, it didn’t go great because it ended up breaking me the same way The Red Room did, so I left to find a fresh start and came here where I met you. Please don’t hate me” I concluded in one breath. Andrei was silent with a straight face, which was hard to read, and eventually after a few seconds that felt like an eternity and shrugged his shoulders. WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN.

“Believe it or not, I've heard worse” he simply said

“Worse than finding out that your best friend is a train killer and former avenger?” i asked incredulously and he tilted his head and smirked

“US Agent mother and Russian spy father” He said. I laughed and he followed right after. “So, I'm guessing we are running away?” he asked. Say what now?

“We?” I asked, almost in shock to which he simply nodded, “You don’t think im just gonna let you go like that, please, is not that easy to get rid of me” he snorted. “And I'm supposing Amelia is not your real name either, given the fact that you ran off,” he added. Damn, he is good.

“Y/n, y/n y/l/n” I said and he slowly smiled

“Well y/n, nice to meet you, my name is Andrei Petrova” he said, extending his hand, i repeated his action with the same smile. “I’ve got to say, I like the name y/n more than Amelia '' he added and laughed. We were brought back to the matter at hand when the screaming of the people were getting louder. I snapped my head up and saw the familiar jet on the roof of the building where I was living.

“Here’s what we are going to do, I’m going to my apartment and buy us some time while you go get a car and,” i handed him my card “you are going to get all the money from my bank account. I will meet you in front of the cafe that’s two blocks away from my place”

“Are you going to be okay?” He asked with clear worry in his eyes. I smiled and nodded

“Yes, I promised. Now go” I said before he got up and ran. I sighed and went to my apartment. Was I really going to do this? After months, was I ready to face them, already knowing the truth? Well, guess I'm going to find out.

Once in the building I decided to programmed the lights to go out in 50 minutes and then I went to the elevator, wanting to appear as normal as possible even though I felt like my heart was going to explode from how fast it was beating inside my rib cage. When the elevator stopped at my floor I walked until I was standing in front of my door. I didn’t need to wait and confirm, I knew they knew I was here, now there’s only one thing left to do. But before I did anything, the door creaked open.

*10 hours earlier*

Bucky paced from one side to the other, finding himself incapable of staying put. Natasha sat silently on her chair, Tony was in the front with his head in between his hands, Steve was resting on the side of the wall looking at the floor, Bruce was just standing there holding his chin analyzing everyone in the room. Sam sat on the couch looking through his phone, Vision was sitting next to Wanda on the other couch, while Clint and Thor were sitting on the other chairs. Peter had some school stuff to deal with like the teenager that he was. They’ve been looking for her for the past three months, and about a week ago, a picture was found of someone that looked exactly like her, all except her hair that was a bit shorter and the color was different, but other than that, it was practically her.

Not wanting to get their hopes -or rather enthusiasm- up, they decided to look deeper and found out that the picture was taken a month ago in the city of Magadan located in Russia. They found out that before three months, the name Amelia Agapov, didn’t exist. The more they looked into it, the more they were convinced that it was her.

“The mission report from Agent Carter arrived, should i put it on the screen?” the voice of the AI filled the room. The team had been waiting for that report for days, the nerves of the question that lingered in the air ‘was it her?’ being present for that time only grew stronger as Stark asked FRIDAY to project the report on the screen.

Pictures were shown, most of them were about this woman buying in the market, having coffee with a guy, but there was one, where her face was looking straight into the lens of the camera, and it was that picture that left the people in the room absolutely rigid. It was her.

“We found her…” Tony said in a whisper. Everybody kept their gaze on the picture on the big screen. After months looking for her, they finally had found her. To everyone, it was like someone just discovered something new, a kind of relief and anxiety all at the same time.

“Suit up, we’re going to get her” Steve said to the group, but see, it was the choice of words from Cap that Bucky found unsettling.

“Get her? Like she is some kind of criminal?” he said, looking at his best friend dead in the eye. Steve opened his mouth to say something but Tony beat him to it.

“She was trained by The Red Room to be an assassin, we can expect nothing more from her '' He said, trying to calm Bucky down, but instead it only caused him to get angrier, and not only him.

“So was I” Natasha said, her voice low that could scare anyone to the bone if they weren’t so used to her.

"It's different" Tony said

“How is it different?” Wanda said this time, “It wasn’t when you practically recluded me after I helped Ultron and tried to kill you all” she added.

Tony sighed and looked down, realizing that he might be overreacting.

“Let’s just get suit up and get on with it” Steve said, cutting the rather awkward silence that filled the room.

The avengers were suit up and on the quinjet in less that forty-five minutes, and they were in Madagan in nine hours, it took them an hour to find her building, and once they found it, Clint landed the jet on the roof and they all got out and looked for her apartment. Funny enough, it was the same number as the one she used to live in New York; 108. They waited for what seemed an eternity until they heard footsteps just outside the door. Suddenly, the air felt thick with anticipation, but Bucky couldn’t wait any longer so he crossed the living room in two steps and opened the door. She was standing there. Silence took over the entire apartment until she broke it.

“Well, are you going to move so that I can get inside my goddamn apartment Barnes?” she said expectantly. Bucky realized that he had been staring at her since he opened the door. Her hair was different, more wavy and a shade or two lighter. He moved to the side and she was able to see the rest of the team. This was going to be one hell of an evening.

Breathe. In… and out…

It was hard. Fuck. Okay i can do this.

“Well isn’t this nice. All the team back together again!” I said with sarcasm dripping from every letter.

“What the hell did we ever do to you?” Steve said firmly.

“Damn, getting straight into it. That’s okay” i shrugged as I went to my room but the sound of the blasters of Tony's suit stopped me.

“Stop, don’t take another step” He said, lifting his hands and I smiled.

“Really? Well unfortunately i have to change, so i’ll leave the door open if it makes you comfortable” i said as i continued to walk to my room, and like I said, i left the door open.

“Y-you don’t have to do that, you can…” Wanda said but trailed off. I had taken my shirt off; my scars were shown.

“So, Steve” I broke the silence as I put on a black shirt, “the thing that you did wasn’t as bad as tin man over there, but you still let Hydra take me the day we took out the helicaries” i added. His face got pale and started shaking his head.

“What? No, you made it out safe, you-” He started saying but i interrupted him

“You sure? Who do you think stopped Rumlow when he tried to interfere with the exchange of the chip when you were in the helicarrier with Bucky?” He started thinking for a moment until he realized what I said fell into place. “Yeah, I took one hell of a beating, and if that wasn’t enough, I fell to the water. I fell thirty floors down, and I alone got myself out, because I didn't have anyone to cover me or have my back” i concluded.

“Your scars…” Tony said this time and i turned to him

“Yeah, thanks to you Mr. Stark” i said and he looked at me. “Doctor said that 74% of my body is covered with scars, along with one or two burns”

“You were that girl in The Red Room” Natasha said, causing me to turn my head to look at her and I smiled cynically, “You are Eliza” she finished.

“Давно не виделись с Натальей” (Long time no see Natalia) i said and she looked at me in pure surprise in her faced. That’s something coming from the famous Black Widow.

“What about the rest of us y/n?”  Sam said this time, redirecting my attention from Natasha to the rest of the group. Thor was standing there holding his hammer, Bruce was next to the fridge, Clint was by the sink, Wanda was with Vision beside the kitchen table and Bucky was by the door. They were all looking at me. I took a look at the clock, I have to leave in less than thirty minutes.

“Long story short, Clint, Bruce, Sam, Wanda and Vision are the ones that didn’t do anything, so just chill out, you are still on my good side” I smiled and waved my hand.

“Hold on, but what did I do?” Thor asked and I looked at him.

“God it really is unfair how such a little thing can cause such a big problem. The first time you came down to earth, met Jane, bla bla bla… when her stuff was under custody of shield, and you took that notebook; they blamed me. I know it may seem weird because, how? Thing is, I was undercover at that time inside Shield, so when the notebook disappeared, guess who was the one that got beaten for it. I couldn’t move from the pain.”

Thor was standing completely still.

“Lady y/n…”

“How is it possible? I was there  and never saw you” Clint interrupted Thor.

“It was before the avengers, i was on the run and a girl's gotta eat. Don’t worry, I never gave them anything. Got the money and then killed them, they were nobodies” I shrugged off.

“So, that’s all you needed to know, so if you please leave my…” I said but then he interrupted me.

“No” I would be lying if I said it didn’t send shivers down my spine at his tone, and I hate even more that he noticed it. “You’re missing one doll” Well fuck me

I turned to see him and he was walking painfully slow towards me and I was praying for my legs to not give out.

“Barnes” I simply said, thanking God and all the saints that it didn’t come out as a whimper. I took a look at the clock once more. I have to leave. Now. “Such a shame, wish you had fought for us, I would have gone through hell and back for you, Buck” his eyes were looking straight to my own and I felt like he was staring at my bare soul. In a way, he was. I smiled and I saw behind my back that the team was looking at us, we’ve never been this close, not in public anyway. I standed on my tiptoes and reached for his right ear, he instinctively reached down so it was a bit easier for me.

“If you want to know, you’ll have to find me first дорогой” (Sweetheart) I whisper. Next thing, the light went out just like I programmed it to and I slid beside Bucky to reach out to the door and to the hall. I could hear the team screaming ‘what the hell just happened’. I ran to the emergency stairs, and once out I could still feel him behind me, getting close. I went into an alley, having to detour, knowing that he eventually was going to catch up to me and I couldn't have him follow where I was really going. A few seconds later, I felt him caging me to the wall on the alley, both of us breathing heavily. His flesh hand went to my throat and his metal one rested on the wall.

“Given a different occasion, I would have loved this, don’t get me wrong, I still love how you…”

“What the hell are you doing?” he asked huskily and I smiled.

“I told you, you’ll have to wait until you find me again. Alone.” i said

“Come on Barnes, do you really think that the charade of being your personal fuck toy would last forever?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.

“It wasn’t like that, i…” he said but trailed off. The pain in my chest starting and clenching my heart.

“There it is…” i said lowly, the hurt in my voice evident, “listen, i’d love to keep talking about how you used me, but like i said,” i got close to his face, my nose touching his, “find me to found out” after that,  I raised my knee kicking him right in between his legs.

He let out a pained groan and fell to the floor, causing his grip in my neck to give out. I took advantage and ran. Two blocks away, I saw Andrei. When he saw me running to him, he immediately got in the car and turned the engine on, then I got in.

“Drive, fast” it was the first thing i said

“Where?” he asked while we took off. I smiled and looked at him

“You’ll see”

-

-

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Taglist

@silentkiller2374 @vikingqueenlove @girlfriday007 @supraveng

[pompompurin1028]

Heyyy 🥰

Okay okay, a thought: Dazai has a similar mind to Mori's, but the day Oda dies he decides to let his emotions influence his decisicion. Which means he's actually a highly emotional person, right? But what if part from his great suffering comes from him not being able to UNDERSTAND all his emotions. What if he has a sky-high analytical intelligence and is therefore skilled at deciphering other peoples' emotions, but can't seem to understand and hence accept himself?

Summary: Dazai is an highly emotional person? And his intense emotions are what is causing his suffering?

Ooo this is a very interesting thought Jade!!😌

Mori and Dazai are definitely quite similar, they are complex and intelligent characters that are seemingly logic driven with the tendency to look at the whole picture of a situation!

But I actually do highly agree with you that Dazai is actually a highly emotional person🤔 I have always felt that about him. But I don't believe that I have enough evidence to support my claim unfortunately, at least canonical evidence, but I will still talk about my thoughts below cause I’ve been thinking about this a lot. But my belief is actually opposite to yours, I believe that his suffering comes from being too sensitive to his emotions and understanding and feeling them too deeply. But I would love to hear your thoughts as well after reading this!

We can see this with Oda of course, as you’ve said! The fact that Oda's words and his death alone is able to drive him out of the mafia, despite not really knowing about what the future could hold and all the uncertain factors that could happen if he left the mafia, somewhere where he is extremely familiar with to one that is unpredictable kinda shows that he is an emotional person. Because this is definitely not a rational decision, and as you said one driven by emotions.

Another thing that I think might have actually shown that he may actually be, originally, an emotional person is that he numbs himself of emotions. Yes perhaps it may seen paradoxical, but sensitive people are actually more prone to suffering from emotional numbness surprisingly, or so I've read. Because it is in human nature to defend against pain, and with emotional sensitive and intense people, it is extremely easy to be able to feel everything around them. And I personally believe Dazai is actually a sensitive person (I will talk about why I feel this more later), and this coupled with his high intelligence is extremely self destructive to him. 

This is because as you said he has a sky-high analytical intelligence, I mean he is able to at a young age of 15/14 to understand the idea that there is no point in the act of living. He is able to see the deepest truth in life, and a knowledge of the universe beyond our common understanding that some of us are not even able to comprehend in a lifetime, thus showcasing his absolutely high analytical ability. But the understanding of the hopelessness of the world, and the lack of a meaning in living in this life is what is hurting him the most, especially if he is extremely sensitive. This would explain his utter hopelessness and emptiness he feels. Also may explain why his emotions are stunted or seemingly so, as it may actually be his own mind using it as a self-defense mechanism to prevent further sources of pain and suffering. 

This can also be supported by a quote from Dazai-sensei himself in one of the short stories from Blue Bamboo (I believe it is The Samurai and the Mermaid) which says “how I envy those self-satisfied commoners who, seeing nothing and comprehending nothing are convinced they know it all. There are in this world things of such mysteries and awesome beauty that the small minded cannot even imagine them. There are, yet he who discovers them risk falling into a bottomless hell”.

Him being highly emotional could also explain why he is such a good strategist, as we’ve seen throughout the anime. Dazai in his plans doesn’t simply manipulate people to do what he wants them to do, I’m not saying he doesn’t because it can definitely be seen that he does in a few different cases. But in a lot of scenarios especially in his long term plans, we actually also see him predicting how other people will react to different situations presented to them rather than him guiding them like pawns on a chessboard to establish his plans. (Prime example of this is his plan with Chuuya in Dead Apple). 

So the main question you may be asking right now then is probably, where did the assumption that he is emotionally sensitive come from in the first place then? I have this assumption because Dazai-sensei himself is a very emotionally sensitive person, this can also be observed in No Longer Human as well. 

One of the quotes from No Longer Human that could support this is “The weak fear happiness itself. They can harm themselves on cotton wool. Sometimes they are wounded even by happiness”. You can also see it subtly in this quote "For someone like myself in whom the ability to trust others is so cracked and broken that I am wretchedly timid and am forever trying to read the expression on people's faces”. The fact that he is always trying to read the expression on other people’s faces shows that he fears rejection, and is extremely anxious about how other people see him and view him, but also at the same time craves acceptance.

“I have always shook with fright before human beings. Unable as I was to feel the least particle of confidence in my ability to speak and act like a human being, I kept my solitary agonies locked in my breast. I kept my melancholy and my agitation hidden, careful lest any trace should be left exposed. I feigned an innocent optimism; I gradually perfected myself in the role of the farcical eccentric.” Here’s another quote from No Longer Human, once again fearing and is extremely anxious of what others think about him and seems to be sensitive to criticism and being called out as an outsider, and being different, and the mask that he wears is actually a defense mechanism used to protect himself.

Of course No Longer Human is not the only source that shows Dazai-sensei’s sensitivity. Other short stories have also showcases similar themes such as this. His short story 《候鳥》 I wasn't able to find the English equivalent wrote 「太敏感的人會體諒到他人的痛苦，自然就無法輕易做到坦率。所謂的坦率，其實就是暴力��」 It means people who are too sensitive can understand the pain of others, naturally they are unable to be frank. For "frankness" is equivalent to violence.

I also remember somewhere it talked about Dazai-sensei being too anxious to visit someone as well and was pacing outside of their house? I don't remember where I read it though and I can't find it again😭

Therefore from these many examples, I have a few that Dazai is actually a sensitive person judging by how much he is also described as such in other articles; and Yozo as well in academic journals and articles I have read.

And so I believe that he may be able to feel emotions quite deeply, not only that but also understand the world deeply as well. And it is this deep understanding that is the source of his despair, his difference from other humans, because they are not able to understand him on that level. It is actually the fact the he might be too human that he ceased to become human. But the reason why I am still thinking about whether or not this is true is mainly because how he treated Akutagawa, which I feel doesn’t really fit this idea.