#⋆ *ੈ✩﹕ ◜ portrayal notes. ◞

[orenji-iro-no-sora]

We all know that haikyuu is packed with life lessons, especially about growth and competition but one of the things that brought me so much comfort in life is the story of Miya twins. Both Osamu and Atsumu were hard workers but what differentiated them when it comes to volleyball prowess was their priorities. Osamu being a naturally gifted athlete was a major push in Atsumu's life; they made each other better (and worse in some ways). But it was Atsumu's choice to become a professional player and a great setter that pulled him ahead. Atsumu was dedicated to it and if Osamu wanted he could've reached the same skill level (or maybe even more).

Basically as long as you love and want something enough, despite there being "better" people out there, you'll reach greatness in your own right. And I think it's beautiful that consistent effort, even if it takes longer than "natural talent" (which is a topic for another day), will get you where you want to be.

Also, you can be good at something and even have potential to be greater and yet not choose it. You don't HAVE TO pursue anything just because it's expected or even possibly the most natural course for you to take. What matters is what you love.

[apotelesmaa]

I don’t think ppl give enough credit to rui for his dedication to fucking with people (outside of tsukasa of course) like. Knowing & acknowledging that nene wants nothing to do with him and Tsukasa on her first day of second year and deliberately following tsukasa to loudly ask if she’s getting along with people (just to be a jackass)? Implying his gift to akito will explode even though it won’t bc he wants to bug akito? Like I think rui at his core is full of love and a desire to make ppl smile but I also think he’s 200% committed to the bit first and foremost. If something will be funny he’s going to do it regardless of the consequences. Guy filled with zero social anxiety & a never ending desire to embarrass his friends.

[schneiderenjoyer]

Was browsing through the wiki to get some reference and I've always found it interesting that Portrayals gave off the hint that Vertin captures their form's essence (through film most likely) and the descriptions of them are insight of the character from Vertin's perspective.

If we go by that logic...Schneider's Portrayal description ruins me.

[bbcphile]

Mysterious Lotus Casebook and Complex PTSD Representations: Part I

One of my favorite things about Mysterious Lotus Casebook is how surprisingly nuanced and unusual its portrayal of complex PTSD is. So many shows either introduce character trauma to make the character Sad and Brooding, Angry and Violent (if they’re a villain) or Hesitant to Start a Relationship (if it’s a romance), and that’s usually as in-depth as it gets. If they address the unique after effects of child abuse that lead to complex PTSD at all, it’s usually either explain why a character is a homicidal monster (which is all sorts of problematic) or it’s limited to a single phobia, which can be overcome by the Power of Love, or it’s just something that crops up occasionally for Plot and then forgotten about the rest of the time. 

Mysterious Lotus Casebook gives us two deeply traumatized characters–Li Lianhua and Di Feisheng–who each have clear symptoms of complex PTSD, and yet, their cPTSD manifests completely differently because of the types of traumas that caused it and their relationships to the people causing the traumas. And their manifestations of cPTSD affect just about every level of their being, including their sense of self, their decision-making, and their relationships with others, and it includes some of the incredibly important manifestations of cPTSD that are almost never shown in media while avoiding the most insulting stereotypes! 

PTSD vs cPTSD

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is an anxiety disorder caused by experiencing a single (or short lived) traumatic event (an accident, assault, medical emergency, fighting in a war, etc), where the symptoms last for longer than a month. Symptoms include things like reexperiencing the event (flashbacks), avoidance (of things related to the event), changes in mood (depression, anger, fear, etc), and issues with emotional regulation (hypervigilance–being constantly on the lookout for threats–irritability/angry outbursts, etc.).

Complex PTSD happens if someone has experienced long term, chronic/repeated trauma that induces hopelessness and no chance of escape (survivors of extended child abuse, human trafficking, domestic violence, prisoners of war, slavery, etc.). It’s also often interpersonal in ways a car crash or medical emergency is not, and is particularly linked with chronic trauma during childhood: chronic stress hormones introduce literal physical changes in a growing brain, particularly the amygdala (which processes fear), hippocampus (which is responsible for learning/memory), and the prefrontal cortex (which is responsible for executive function), so it can affect every aspect of life and also affect a child’s progression through developmental stages. In addition to these physical changes to the brain, the prolonged trauma–particularly the helplessness–distorts a child’s sense of self, the perpetrator, and the world in ways that alter their decision making, their memory, and their future relationships. 

For instance, whereas a traumatic event that caused PTSD might make you depressed or not trust the person who harmed you (or to fear driving), the trauma from cPTSD might make you suicidal, blame yourself for your victimization, decide to isolate to avoid interpersonal relationships to keep from getting hurt, or become obsessed with never being harmed again.

Basically, cPTSD has the core symptoms from PTSD with some extra challenges, including issues with emotional regulation, self-concept, interruptions in consciousness, difficulties with relationships, perceptions of the perpetrator, and systems of meaning.

DFS and LLH: CPTSD Symptoms

There’s so much more to say about this than I can cover in this superficial introduction, so this will be the first of a series of metas; I’m hoping to go into more depth about some of these categories in future posts (the DFS and emotional regulation/violence one is already drafted, so stay tuned). 

Difficulties with Relationships (problems with trust, communication, missing red flags): Both DFS and LLH have a history of trusting the wrong people and not trusting the right people, both in the past and in the present of the show: in the past, LLH missed the fact that SGD hated him and DFS missed the fact that JLQ was obsessed with him, and as a result, both sects were destroyed, many people died, and the two almost destroyed each other. If they had communicated with each other instead of fighting at the donghai battle, they might have realized they were being set up and could have worked together, but their difficulties with trust after perceived betrayal made that impossible for them. They both have a history of overlooking red flags in the present–DFS in particular, keeping the red-flag-personified-JLQ around despite her history of poisoning people, including himself–and they both tend to struggle with relationships in the present: LLH runs away from and/or drugs the people who care about him, and DFS sends endless mixed messages by not telling Li Lianhua most of his plans to help him. 

Self-Concept (Self-hatred and self-fragmentation): Li Lianhua is basically the poster child for having a negative self concept: he has an overdeveloped sense of self-blame and responsibility, even believing he deserves to die for leading his men to their deaths, and once he learns he was manipulated and SGD was behind it all, he seems to think it’s his own fault that he was manipulated, lied to, and abused. His self-loathing is so extreme that he imagines his earlier self, Li Xiangyi, to have died, and tries as much as possible to be nothing like that earlier persona. His repeated insistence that Li Xiangyi and Li Lianhua are NOT the same person is reminiscent of the fragmentary sense of self that comes with more extreme trauma, like Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) or Other-Specified Dissociative Disorder (OSDD), where traumatic experiences are so painful that people form different alters, or differentiated self-states, that can have different names and skills and memories and identities. 

Di Feisheng doesn’t have the self-hatred or guilt that LLH does, and it seems like he tries to skip over questions of self worth, blame, or hatred by focusing exclusively on staying true to his code of ethics he’s developed for himself and focusing on gaining the strength necessary to fight for his freedom from mind control and the Di Fortress. But even though he’s kept his Di name, kept his goals the same since escaping Di Fortress, and hasn’t tried to separate himself from his trauma the way LLH did with LXY, he’s even more willing than LLH to take on different identities: it’s literally one of his martial arts skills. The Bone Constriction Skill lets him become someone else for a time, whether that’s a child or Shi Hun. It fits well with his willingness to be whoever he needs to be to accomplish his goals: he’s perfectly willing to be seen as a heartless villain if it lets him protect LLH, and he’s willing to flirt with and pretend to be jealous of JLQ to get information from her, and he’s willing to be LLH’s a-Fei, both with and without his memories.

Interruptions in Consciousness (Amnesia and nightmares for Everyone): LLH and DFS both have nightmares and flashbacks/memories of traumatic events, and as mentioned above, both have interesting hints of having fragmented/fluid senses of self. They both also dissociate, or separate themselves from the present when dealing with traumatic things:  LLH spaces out and gets stuck in his past memories about SGD when talking to FDB after burying SGD, and DFS dissociates from physical pain so as not to make noise both after he’s been stabbed and poisoned with Wuxin Huai and again when JLQ is torturing him in her water dungeon.

They both also have dissociative amnesia that takes away trauma memories, although one is from a poisonous incense plus the magic of qi macgyvering:  LLH forgot the existence of his older brother who died in front of him, and DFS as a-Fei had just about all of his memories (except a few of killing as a child) taken away. Amnesia is a huge part of cPTSD, because it’s the brain’s way of trying to protect you from truths that you might not survive. It can manifest as blocking out one single traumatic event, a bunch of thematically or temporally linked traumatic events, a skill set related to the trauma, or, in the case of something like DID or OSDD, just about everything. It’s endlessly fascinating to me that the show gives us one example of definite traumatic amnesia through LLH, and then seems to almost transform the experience of having DID and being a new part and finding yourself with a new name and very little else into an exaggerated fantasy setting (interestingly, people often report experiencing debilitating headaches when they try to regain memories behind the amnesia barrier). I doubt this is what they were actually going for, since DID is almost universally portrayed incorrectly and offensively in media (one of the alters is almost always portrayed as a serial killer, but that’s a rant for another day), but the different names and the presence of amnesia with LLH made it a fascinating enough parallel that I had to mention it.

 Problems with Emotional Regulation (Lashing in vs. lashing out): Li Xiangyi and Di Feisheng are polar opposites when it comes to struggles with emotional regulation: whereas LXY turns his anger inward, directing it all toward self-hate in what’s often called a “toxic shame spiral,” both after the donghai battle and after he finds out about SGD’s role in his shifu’s death, DFS lashes out physically at those who have harmed him, usually via choking people, although he is usually exerting an impressive amount of control over his emotions and strength. To put in perspective just how different their emotional strategies are and how much effort DFS puts into emotional regulation, compare how much more calm he is than LLH during any revelation of past betrayal or painful information, any scene where they confront the people who have abused them, or any scene where they learn they’ve been wrong about something big; LLH is most likely having an emotional flashback (re-experiencing the emotions from the earlier traumas) and DFS is probably compartmentalizing them or dissociating from them to process later/never so he can stay semi-functional and not show a potential opponent a weak spot. 

NOTE: This means that DFS is loooong overdue for a very dramatic breakdown when it eventually all catches up to him and he can’t distract himself from it anymore.

Perceptions of Perpetrators: In this way only, Di Feisheng has one advantage: he knows the head of Di Fortress is a cruel, abusive tyrant. While he clearly still fears him, even as a physically strong adult (he has nightmares, flashbacks, and dedicates his life to being free from him, which means he still to some extent feels young, small, and helpless when he thinks of him), DFS knows that he hates him and wants to be free of him. This is probably part of why he’s spared some of the self-hatred LLH experiences: he knows he didn’t deserve the abuse because seeing it happen to other children means he knows the abuse wasn’t a personal reflection on him. It does, however, motivate him to want to be stronger and invulnerable so as to never be helpless again, and that obsession is what drives him to have a single-minded focus on reaching the pinnacle of the jianghu.  

It’s so much more complicated for Li Lianhua (and for a more detailed analysis, check out this meta): the childhood perpetrators were manifold–a slew of bandits, whichever children and adults on the street would abuse him for existing and being poor–it probably felt like life itself was to blame. It’s no wonder that when his shifu and shiniang took him in, they were the ultimate rescuers whom he hero-worshipped, so when he felt he made a mistake and his life fell apart, he blamed himself: at least there would be someone to blame that way and something he could do about it (try to kill his past self and hate everything about him). It’s also very telling that LLH doesn’t blame JLQ or YBQ all that much when he learns they poisoned him, and that he’s more angry that SGD murdered their shifu than he is that SGD set him up, hated him, and was the real mastermind behind everything he had blamed himself for; he struggles to stay angry at people who harm him, and would rather blame and hate himself for being tricked than hate the person who tricked him. So, whereas DFS tries to destroy the people who abused him, LLH tries to destroy himself.

If you read this far, thanks! I’m probably going to be posting the DFS and emotional regulation/violence against perpetrator meta next, because it’s drafted, but if there are any of these you desperately want me to talk about more sooner rather than later, let me know! :D 

[maybe-boys-do-love]

Throughout the Trainee, I’ve been waiting for the shoe to drop—for some big reveal about an ultimate problem at the company or for someone to be fired who had gone too far—but the show is too mature, it has to much compassion towards all of its characters (and towards people’s humanity in general) to do that.

I saw so many instances of mistakes happening, some more obvious, some subtle, some key to the plot, some seemingly background fodder, some addressed by the characters explicitly, and some that the characters or the show just seemed to observe without commenting on. Some of these mistakes didn’t amount to anything, like the broken hard drive, and some of them caused real physical harm to people in the show, like the cosmetic mix-up during testing. I presumed there was a kind of accumulation happening. I thought that the mistakes were adding up to something, a bigger conclusion about this work environment, or a commentary on work environments and society at large. The Trainee, however, refuses to construct a larger theory about work and life’s problems. It refuses to condemn anyone or any one thing to that extent. Each mistake is its own problem. And each person is capable of contributing to it and finding a way to move past it.

You see, what Jane says here is the core theme of the show:

(GIF by @ryansjane )

Don’t assume; ask questions; talk it out with the recognition that everyone is coming to the table with different backgrounds, skills, areas of knowledge, flaws, fears, and hopes. They will not be perfect, and neither do you have to be. The Trainee wants its characters and its audience to find the courage, like Ryan and Jane, Ba Mhee and Tae, or the lovely moments between Pah and all his coworkers this week, to speak up with curiosity and openness.

Then, the next step it shows so wonderfully is how you can appreciate what complexities you contributed to the situation. You can acknowledge and apologize for your role once you understand it—not because you are wrong or right, but because acknowledgement and sorries are ways to show other people that you didn’t find a way to help avoid the problem either that time. It’s important to note, as I see some discourse rising up about who apologizes in the conversations during the show, that Thai and Broader Asian cultures in general have a VERY different culture around apologies, humility, and shame so that those feelings and their related gestures are used to build connection and positive feelings, compared to negative shame in Western culture; book rec if your interested in that topic and more—Between Us: How Cultures Create Emotions.

The show doesn’t have some moral argument to say about a systemic HR issue at this office. It also doesn’t depict its office as devoid of deeply troubling systemic issues like sexual harassment. Its recommendation to address the issues, though, is not through stricter enforcement of rules or the perfecting of one’s behavior. It’s to communicate when the time is right on with self-respect and compassion.

There is just so much love and care in every element of the Trainee, and I already know it’s gonna be a comfort show to return to again and again in the future because it’s intricately produced tone and its story just release the tangled knots of perfectionism in me without discouraging me from my desire to grow and improve. You can just tell it’s done by people who love their jobs and their work environment. How rare to see a workplace in media be simultaneously so realistic in its depiction and still so positive about the overall experience 🌻

[numbuh424]

Please hear me out..... Jdrama!Light and Musical!L.

[mossy-rainfrog]

[Several drawings of Ahab, Starbuck, and Fedallah from Moby Dick reimagined as women. More detailed ID in ALT.]

hi everyone today i bring you. more women :)

a continuation of this last post, Ahab openly presents as a woman aboard her ship because she has enough job security at this point to do whatever she wants and her gender identity is essentially "call me sir, but beyond that who cares". Starbuck is still bigender as usual, so she initially went "undercover" as a man to get into the industry and then stuck with the disguise long term because she likes the way it feels to be Nathaniel. Meanwhile Fedallah is free balling tbh, she's under Ahab's protection on the Pequod and everyone's an asshole to her anyways so she truly could not give less of a fuck. All three use she/her, except for when Starbuck is undercover.

also *said through tears* ahab and fedallah are FRIENDS btw. they LOVE each other and she's FINE. melville when i GET you

also, side note because I don't think I ever mentioned it, but Starbuck is ID'd as "middle aged" in my art because (s)he is based on @pocketsizedquasar 's adaptation, where Starbuck's age has been interpreted to be around 40. <3 aging :)

anyways GIRLS! I've heard of them 👀

[bauresurrected]

characters you will bring to the cm fandom (i am hypnotizing you) (maybe some people write these that i follow and if that's you come at me)

rossi

morgan

gideon

luke

TARA. by god. please.

alex

kate

literally any of the bau i don't care if people are already writing them

stephen walker

barnes

strauss

JACK, HENRY, MICHAEL?

will

jordan

your ocs.

[wayward-wren]

I'm only halfway through it, will finish it...later. but my biggest gripe so far with Troy (2004) is how much they are butchering Menelaus. And not just by mispronouncing his name. He's portrayed as a cruel brute and I'm like bro. He does not deserve this treatment 😔

I understand some changes due to cultural shift and the nature of a different medium but. Why'd you gotta do Menelaus like that?

[cabeswaterdrowned]

people who think Blue isn’t a realistic teenage girl don’t know what they’re talking about because her internal monologuing about how much she likes the idea of being a badass superhero with a pink switchblade but the practical part of her feels she’ll definitely cut herself with it is just So real

[naviculariis]

ㅤ⠀And here is the Shipping Guide!! Give it a gander, it looks better on desktop than in mobile. <3

[spineless-lobster]

Okay but like being into greek mythology growing up and seeing everyone portrayed as thin, white and muscular nonstop vs now getting back into it and seeing how beautiful and diverse the art is now is an absolutely incredible feeling and it’s a wonderful thing to see

[supercantaloupe]

What is the antisemitism in TUC season 1? Does it have to do with Wally the golem?/gen

[ID: an ask from an anonymous tumblr user that reads "would love to hear more about the antisemitism in unsleeping city! was a while ago that i watched it and can't remember what you might be referencing but definitely want to be aware of it.]

no, it's not about willy the golem -- i actually think willy is a great addition to the season (even if i wish we got to see more of him), and an indication to me that brennan/the showrunners were definitely trying to be sincere and inclusive. i want to make it clear that i don't think anything antisemitic in tuc is there intentionally; i think it's there out of simple ignorance, which is also why i think fans don't frequently see/comment on it either. but i don't think that's an excuse, either.

my grief with tuc1 is largely centered around its portrayal of robert moses as the villain. especially by making him a greedy, power-hungry lich working en league with bloodsucking vampires. (also his mini is literally a green skinned skull man in a suit. yikes.) here's the thing; i know robert moses was a real life horrible person, who actually was racist and powerhungry etc etc. and i know that robert moses, the real actual person, was jewish. my grief with tuc1 is not that they chose to use robert moses over literally any other person (real or fictional) to be their season villain (though i'd be really curious to know what tuc1 would have looked like with a different villain), but that they chose to take a real jewish person, turn them into an antisemitic caricature, and then only barely add other portrayals of judaism to balance that out.

like, tuc isn't completely devoid of other jewish representation. as you mention, there's willy the golem -- and again, i really like willy, and i love that it's a portrayal of a golem that's faithful to jewish folklore (ie as a benevolent, guardian construct rather than a mindless destructive monster. i am not a fan of how 'golem' is so frequently misused as a generic enemy creature in other fantasy and ttrpg spaces, including other seasons of d20). but as i said earlier, i wish we see more of him in the season, because he's not around very much, and feels a little more like worldbuilding than a full character to me. also, he's not human. jews are people.

the only other human jewish character in tuc1 is...stephen sondheim. which, again, yeah, that's a real person who really was jewish. but i really wouldn't blame you if you had no idea of that when watching tuc1. maybe from the name you could guess he might be jewish, but i don't think people ought to make a habit of trying to 'clock' someone being jewish by having a 'jewish-sounding' surname. as he's portrayed in tuc1, you'd never know he's jewish, unless you happen to already be pretty knowledgeable about the man in real life. it's far more likely you'll know him as a theater legend than anything else (may his memory be a blessing).

now i'm not saying that brennan or the showrunners should have played up the jewishness of Real Person Stephen Sondheim to counterbalance the depiction of robert moses; that just feels weird to me, especially considering that sondheim was literally alive when tuc1 was filmed and released. it's a tricky thing to portray real people in fiction alongside made up characters, especially when they are contemporaries, and i don't think 'outright caricature' is the way to go about that. nor do i think that moses' jewishness should have been played up at all, because again i don't think that would have been particularly true to the person/character, and also Fucking Yikes. but, c'mon, if you hear the names 'moses' and 'sondheim' next to each other, which one do you associate more with judaism?

and as it stands, these are the only representations of judaism in tuc1. one admittedly nice but very minor nonhuman character; one human character you'd never be able to tell was jewish; and a third human character who, while never explicitly referenced as jewish, plays into some really hurtful antisemitic stereotyping. and it was a choice to not include anything else. maybe not a deliberate one, probably more likely one made out of simple ignorance than anything else, but a choice nonetheless. in a city with one of the largest and most visibly jewish populations in the country, and a culture that is inextricably influenced by that jewish population. a jewish population which has been and continues the target of rising hate crimes for years. i know that nyc means different things to different people, and everyone's nyc is their own -- but my nyc is jewish, and it sucks that that its jewishness is referenced directly in only one very minor way, which is greatly overshadowed by its, in my view, really insidious indirect references.

i don't know exactly how to go about addressing this. obviously, the show can't be changed by now. even if it could, i think the final product would be very significantly different from what it is now if the villain was something/someone else. i think including more references to jews in new york, more (human) jewish characters, hell, even mentioning hanukkah celebrations and menorahs in windows (it takes place in late december, after all; depending on the year it's not at all out of place for hanukkah to coincide with xmas!) would help. having literally any more positive jewish representation in tuc1 would, i think, help balance the bad stuff that's there. because, yeah, robert moses was real and he was terrible and he was jewish. but he's one jewish guy in a city with over a million jews, the vast majority of whom are just normal people. i don't want him to be the only vision of us that people get, in tuc1 alone or in any media. i'm not saying that jews can't or shouldn't be villains in fiction; but especially if you are a goyische creator, you should be really careful in how you're portraying us, and if there are other contrasting depictions in your work, too, in order to not (even accidentally) demonize jewish people as a whole.

[your-mom-friend]

I can’t get over Kageyama Ritsu…everyone says he’s the more popular, more attractive and cool Kageyama Brother but literally every scene of him at school ever is him avoiding anything that’s not School Council and not talking to anyone or so much as SMILING at anyone. He’s literally Mob if mob styled his hair.

Like honestly Mob and Ritsu are the SAME amount of socially awkward but the issue is that Mob is just more blunt and WILL say he’s not enjoying your company and leave (he’ll try to be polite but it’ll fall flat) but Ritsu is Bound By This Mortal Concept of Social Politeness and wouldn’t just say that to people’s faces so everyone thinks he’s the nicest guy when in fact he’s been hoping to spontaneously learn invisibility for the last half hour

Like that time Tsubomi came to Spirits and Such did you see his face he wasn’t even as intense fighting for his life against Claw as he was hiding from her lmao

Ritsu acts like he’s completely chill but is in fact a pathetic loser (affectionate). He calls his brother Nii-San. He hates Reigen with all the hate in his heart. He found the kid that kicked his ass when he was kidnapped and then let him into his home. He let that guy burn his house down for kicks. He became best friends with that kid. He keeps a spoon in his pocket. He can and will kill people if he feels like it. He got psychic powers and immediately became a villain about it for like 3 whole minutes before getting his ass humbled. He’s literally 13 and it makes everything about him 300% better.

[palmofafreezinghand]

ships passing

Carlisle and Esme briefly share their grief over the life they will only ever witness from afar. on ao3 here.

January 2007. 

“Good morning, love,” Carlisle said to his wife who was turning into the upstairs hall. He closed their bedroom door behind him as he began walking to meet her. 

“Hello.” 

They paused in the middle of the hall. “Where are you heading?” He asked. 

“My studio,” she answered. The clipped answers were unusual for the woman who he often teased for her incessant chatter.

“Are you alri—” She put her finger over his lips to tell him to stop talking. He raised a brow in question and she motioned to the floor with her head. Below them, he could hear their family loudly talking and laughing, even the quiet sound of a page being moved. Which meant their family could also hear the conversation occurring above them. 

He nodded in understanding and she pulled her hand back to her body. They had learned American Sign Language decades ago after Alice and Jasper moved in and the new roommates meant there was very little space for private conversations. 

“Are you okay?” He signed, eyebrows raised. 

She blinked once, twice, three times before shaking her head ever so slightly it could have been misinterpreted by anyone else as a flinch. He moved to say something but was cut off by her arms wrapping around his waist, her head hitting his chest with a force that threatened to knock him over. His arm instinctively cradled around her head, fingers threading through her hair, the other around her shoulders. 

“I love you,” he whispered into her hair, quiet enough that it would be no more than a buzz to the other people in the house. 

They stood in the hall like that for a long while. When their granddaughter’s muffled childish laughter drifted up from downstairs her grasp around him tightened. He was thankful for the unspoken explanation of the embrace. 

It was difficult for him too. Their granddaughter’s presence was a miracle that served as a stark reminder of the life he would never have. His wife had taken the situation in stride, mostly, she built a nursery and defended the child to its father, and grandfather. It was yet another example of her strength he admired but failed to completely understand. He could not fathom how she was able to operate with such grace when a painful symbol of the life stolen from her ran through her house, as she had to watch their ‘son’ — who had not wanted the child — get an opportunity to parent, a life she was only able to experience for three short days. 

The couple had only discussed the topic a handful of times and very briefly. They had not indulged in the what-ifs they used to dream of, thinking it was impossible. She had not spoken about the nuance of the situation, only how heart-aching happy she was for Edward. He did know this conversation had occurred in some form with Emmett of all people. 

He presumed the current embrace and rare show of emotion was due to January being a historically difficult month for her, the anniversary of her son’s birth and death. 

Heavy footsteps started up the stairs, keeping one arm around her Carlisle walked them backward, opening their bedroom door without looking. He shut the door behind them. 

She pulled away after another minute behind closed doors. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Carlisle signed.

She shook her head, wiping at her eyes with the back of her hand as if wiping away tears. “I’m fine,” she eventually signed, lacking any of the facial grammar that would make the statement believable or true. 

“You’re lying,” he signed with a slight smile. 

She nodded with a shrug and half-hearted lopsided smile. 

“How can I help?” 

She shrugged once again. 

“Maybe take a shower, the warm water might help?” His proclivity to offering solutions had been a sore spot throughout their marriage but this was not a solution, a shower would not erase decades-long grief but had helped her feel more in tune with her body and feelings on prior occasions.  

“Want to join?” Her eyebrows raised with a sly smile. 

Before he could enthusiastically accept he was cut off by a shout in the hall. “Carlisle, let’s go!” Emmett’s voice boomed. 

Carlisle’s face fell, remembering the reason he was upstairs, to change his clothes to accompany Emmett on one of his ‘vampire sport’ experiments. “I’ll be right there!” He called. 

“What are you two doing now?” 

“He wants to try a new experiment,” he signed exasperatedly. 

“Have fun,” she signed, beginning to walk towards their bathroom. 

He caught her arm, causing her to glance back at him. “We will be talking about this, later.” 

“Later,” she signed with an intensifier, meaning she would attempt to delay their conversation for a long while. 

He shook his head fondly. “I love you,” he said aloud, opening their bedroom door. 

“I love you too.”

[sailoraquila]

I get the Old Man Yaoi from OPLA but am I the only one thirsting over Chef Zeff???