#∗*( convos ).! and I would answer all your wishes if you asked me too ¡*

[thebestsetter]

- I wish you'd dedicate a goal to me

- What? - Rin asked as he stared at the girl

- I said - (Name) said while not taking her eyes off the horror movie her and Rin were watching - I wish you'd dedicate a goal to me. Ya know, like Bachira does to his girlfriend - she sighed dreamly - or Isagi. Hell, even Kaiser dedicates his goals to his girlfriend.

- Hm - Rin said, taking his eyes off her and looking back at the TV - that's kinda stupid. Everyone knows you're dating me, so why would I need to do that? The game should continue as quickly as possible, so it would just be a waste of time.

The girl finally looked at him. If he stopped paying attention to that movie and decided to look at her too, he'd see the sad look in her eyes. The girl sighed again (this time, out of disappointment) and got up from the sofa.

- Hey, where are you going? - Rin said, finally pausing the movie (just as the main character was almost getting caught by the big, bad and scary monster) and looking at her again

- I'm going to bed - she responded. Quick, short and emotionless. Exactly the opposite of what her answers should be

- Then I'm going too - Rin got up from the sofa, kind of grateful that she made him turn off that horrible movie (he liked horror movies, but this one was ridiculous. The monster looked like phlegm and the script looked like it was written on colored paper with crayons by a 5 year old)

- Hm - she hummed, and the teal eyed boy was starting to get uncomfortable with her responses (or the lack of them)

Without another word, the couple went to their shared bedroom. (Name) sat down on the bed and decided to spend the next 30 minutes surfing the internet and liking some cute cat videos, while Itoshi went to the bathroom to shower (the last time he had taken a shower was in the morning, before breakfast. Yucky!).

When he finally locked the door, (Name) suddenly got a call from her best friend. She decided to pick up, since the girl always knew exactly how to cheer her up

- Hey (Name)!

- Hey.

- Okay, You can stop giving me that attitude, young lady. What happened?

Sighing for the third time in a span of 30 minutes, (Name) decided to tell her about the disgreement with her boyfriend.

- So yeah, I got kinda sad. He basically said our relationship was a waste of time, you know?

- I can't believe that bastard really said that. "That's stupid". If anything, he's the stupid one! - she said, mocking Rin by mimicking his voice. A very poor imitation, may I add. But it made you giggle, and that was exactly what she wanted - can't believe you're still going to his game tomorrow!

- Yeah - you said, a lot more happy thanks to the conversation with her - But can you blame me? VIP session, baby! - you both chuckled

- True. Well, I have to get going - she said, sadly cutting your convo short - I have a job interview tomorrow, since not all of us date a football player - she playfull rolled her eyes - but it was amazing talking to you!

- You always know how to make me smile. Thanks.

- Don't mention it! If he ever pulls any shit like that again, just break up with him OR don't hesitate to call me. I'll kick his ass for making my pookie wookie sad - she answered, using that ridiculous nickname you begged her to stop using

- Will do - you smiled - now go to sleep. You need to be in good form tomorrow!

- I'll get that job opportunity, you'll see.

- I don't doubt you one bit

- Bye, good night!

- Night! - (Name) said, turning the call off and finally going to sleep with a calmer mind.

What she didn't expect, however, was that Rin was hearing every. second. of. the. call.

It's not like he wanted to hear it, he just happened to be attently listening to every word (Name) said and trying to understand what her friend said too. It's not his fault his gf uses speaker mode!

The Itoshi got out of the bathroom and stared at the phone with a dumbfolded expression, not believing ehat he had just heard.

"I can't believe (Name) got mad because of that" because of me, is what he really thought, but he decided to lie to himself claiming that "it wasn't his fault"

- ...why are you looking at my phone like that? - the girl said after being woken up by the light coming out of the bathroom.

- Like what?

- Like that!

- I don't know what you're talking about.

- Okay then. If you're acting stupid to make me angry, congratulations! It's very effective

- I'm not acting stupid

- You're right! You're not acting stupid, you are stupid

- Hold on - he put his hands in front of his body - are you seriously mad at me for not wanting to dedicate you a goal?

- Wow! What a genius!

- Not a fan of the attitude

- Not a fan of you being an asshole

Rin decided that arguing was useless. Afterall, you were always very sarcastic when mad, so any efforts to make you less angry were fruitless. There was only one way to solve this argument, and Rin already knew what he was gonna do. So, he finally decided to lay in bed.

- Nuh uh, you're sleeping on the couch tonight.

- What?! You wouldn't do this to me.

- Yep, I would. Couch. Now.

Yeah. He had to solve this shit fast.

"And there he goes again, Rin Itoshi dominating the field once more! "

He was at the top of his game today. It almost made you pity the other team, really. Two goals in the first half of the game is a big deal. And, sadly, none of them were dedicated to you. Not that you were expecting it. You knew how stubborn Rin was, but you were just as (if not even more) petty.

So, you decided you would leave the game early. You wish he could see you leaving, but he would notice your absence sooner or later.

- Wow, this game just keeps getting more interesting! A penalty for the team led by Rin Itoshi, and it looks like he will be the one to shoot it. I'm sure he wants to score a hat trick, so that's his chance! And he isn't someone who loses his chances often.

He sure isn't. Because, the moment he grabbed the ball, he looked at your chair, eyes sparkling and almost pleading for you to watch him. And even though you wanted to leave him alone, something inside of you told you to wait. So, you decided to humor him for a bit.

"The ref blows the wistle. Itoshi looks at the ball, runs and... GOALLLL!!!! A hat trick from the one and only Rin Itoshi, ladies and gentleman!"

You rolled your eyes, cause you knew he wouldn't lose this, and decided to finally leave. Afterall, your gut was wrong. Nothing extraordinary happened. Or at least you thought nothing did.

- Love, wait!

No way. Rin freaking Itoshi was not jumping the fence separating the field from the stands just to get to you.

- This goal was for you, ya know?

This wasn't happening, right? He for sure wasn't hugging your waist so tight it was making you red (yes, of course your red face was only caused by the lack of air filling your lungs because of his grip. Of course you weren't feeling shy or anything)

- I didn't think dedicating you a goal was necessary because I thought you knew all of my goals were and are for you. Everything I do is for you. I love you. And since I love you, you don't deserve only a goal: you deserve a whole ass hat trick. This is for you, love.

You were crying. In front of thousands eyes and in front of the television. The whole world could see your ugly crying red face, but you strangely couldn't care less. Not when Rin was closing the distance between your faces, and specially not when the striker was kissing you with so much passion it made you wanna cry even more. And so, you laugh.

- Yeah, you're not sleeping on the couch again tonight.

~ A/N: not proof read, so sorry for any mistakes!!! Also, the friend got the job after the interview 👍

Masterlist

[annievrse]

chapstick & cherry blossoms

dazai x reader —ᡣ𐭩 blurb c/w: mention of suicide (it's dazai what do u expect) a/n: inspired by that one wan! ep where atsushi and dazai's convo literally broke my heart into a million pieces and i was left writhing in pain on the floor :)

“Hey, what flavour is your chapstick?” You ask Dazai, who lays his head in your lap. The breeze is passing through the cherry blossom tree above you, and the rustling of the flowers is a welcome distraction from the stress of a day at the agency.

“Why? So you can tell me it's the one you poisoned?”

“No,” You giggle, covering his eyes with your hand and looking up at the flowers. “I just liked the taste when you kissed me.”

Turning your attention back to him, Dazai's cheeks flush pink, which rarely happens, making your chest hurt. He pulls your palm off his face and brings your knuckles to his lips.

"If you did poison it, I think it would be a perfect way to go," Dazai mumbles into your skin. "Your lips on mine and a hundred cherry blossoms raining down on us."

You almost roll your eyes at his cheesy line, but the ache in your sternum grows after you process his words. "I'd prefer you didn't go at all."

Your soft confession makes Dazai's heart skip a beat, and for a moment, he forgets how to breathe. He's speechless for the first time in a while, and he can barely believe you've just expressed such vulnerability. He only wishes he could, too.

Instead of replying, Dazai shakes his head softly, turning his head away to peer at the park before you. His lack of eye contact doesn't irk you; you know he finds it hard to face intimacy, especially when you're not afraid to voice your thoughts.

"You have to stop doing that."

You barely hear him. "Doing what?"

The park falls silent, and it's like the universe is waiting for his answer alongside you.

"Making me feel human," Dazai sits up, his hair falling over his eyes. The silence rings in your ears as you stare at him.

"Osamu, look at me," You reach for his hand that lays limply by his side.

The man, whose personality is sometimes comparable to that of a child, shakes his head and tucks his hands into his coat pockets. The action draws a laugh from you and a smile from him. "Don't wanna."

Your head falls to the side, contemplating him. "Please?"

Dazai rolls his eyes dramatically and turns his head toward you, lips pouting.

You pinch his cheek between your thumb and forefinger, causing his face to warm. "I'm serious, 'Samu. You're so special to me, I really don't know what I'd do without you."

"Pish," Dazai mutters with an upturn of his lips, though you can see unguarded pain and bashfulness in his gaze. Ignoring your previous statement, Dazai lays back down, his head returning to your lap. Closing his eyes, you notice he's still tense.

You push the brown locks off his forehead and lean down to kiss the crease between his eyebrows. With your hand resting on the side of his face, your thumb brushes his cheekbone, admiring the flutter of his eyelashes against his skin.

"I live to make you feel human," You whisper, feeling warm, wet streaks run over the back of your hand.

And then the sounds of the world come rushing back. The cherry blossom tree has stopped swaying, yet the pink petals still delicately fall to meet you on the floor.

[0tivez]

adrenalize

synopsis: a perfect student can get in toruble every now and then too, right? except this time, you get into trouble with your famous bachelor professor satoru gojo for an unorthodox reason, and he'll make sure you make up for it

characters: gojo

warnings: female reader, student reader x professor gojo, semi-public sex, age gap (early 20s to late 20s), oral (female + male receiving), very light power play, dub-con (maybe?), unprotected sex, degrading/praising, breeding. mdni

wc: 4.3k

note: yes, this is my dark fantasy of being accepted as a mean looking emo bitch. no, i'm not in love with my professor. emo sluts rise (emo=reader wears all black and has dark makeup lol sorry couldn't pull a wattpad) it's our time to have steamy office sex with 2d men. see the end for more notes!

you know, i don't really put in songs, but what the hell. this one's for the emos

<- navigation

"oh, i have an appointment with professor gojo today" you tell your friend as you lay your lunch tray onto the table.

"for what?" she asks, her motion following yours. you two sit comfortably on the wooden chairs.

"i don't know. my grades, i guess? but my grades are fine, so i don't really know" you answer in confusion, and stab a big piece of chicken.

"well, i wish he would call me in his office"

"what?" you almost choke on your food. you look at your friend with big, dumb eyes. you wouldn't have been this surprised if she confessed to murdering someone, and you shouldn't be surprised at her confession either. yet somehow, you are.

"satoru's kinda hot, isn't he?" she responds, scrunching her nose. "he's also, like, extremely smart and funny"

"he's fucking old"

"um, no he's not? half of the school has bag of bones for professors, satoru's like... what, 30? i've fucked older"

"still, so inappropriate" you shut the conversation down. sure, you two had joked about how hot gojo is, and sure, the idea did entertain your mind, but it's between you two, a very private inside joke. you feel exposed this way, and the last thing you need is having that image of your professor in your mind as he lectures you about god knows what later today.

"i bet he fucks like his age too" she smirks across the table. you turn your head around anxiously to see if anyone's heard you two, but the loud cafeteria outweighs your little dirty convo.

"shut up!"

"girl you know damn well-"

"let's talk about this after i get scolded today. i don't want to worry about this man anymore"

it's 5.40 pm. where is he? he was supposed to meet you after class, yet he's nowhere to be found. and you're there standing in shame, as students pass you by, probably wondering what happened for you to be waiting like a stray kitten by his office.

of course, it's nothing to be ashamed of. god, you don't even know what you're supposed to be ashamed of yet! but here you are, cold sweat down your neck, hands nervously moving up and down your arms as you wait for time to pass.

that's how you are. quiet, nervous. yet most people have a different image of you; a colder, meaner image. it's difficult for you to socialize, so you stick to your two friends you made ages ago for your in-class interactions. for classes, you opt for quietly listening to your lectures rather than being interactive, even though you know it's not the right way, and you want to be social. that's why most professors rarely remember your name or your face- not that they're eager to know you anyways. that's why it's so confusing. what did you do to get called like this? how did he even know your name?

"ah- sorry for being late" gojo rushes next to you. his tall figure guides you to the narrow hallway where his office is hidden in. he quickly unlocks the door, and waits for you to enter first. "sit, i'll be back in a couple minutes" you nod.

once he turns around, you quickly observe his clothes. he always knew how to be stylish, even though his clothes are always basic. you figured it must be his fit figure that makes anything he wears compliment him. he's always clean and rich looking; never would he wear a wrinkled shirt. the female students would anticipate warm weathers, where gojo would sometimes wear a tight, black t-shirt and jeans. not today tho. although the weather is warm, he's wearing a light blue linen shirt with black jeans, complimented with a thick, leather belt. his shirt exposed his contoured collarbones, and arms exposed with an expensive looking watch to complete the look. and his face... god, his face.

he shuts the door behind you. you're left for your own thoughts. sitting down is uncomfortable for you, the only thing you can hear is your heartbeat. the building is empty, you can faintly hear students speaking from outside. you get up, and look around his office. it's filled with thick, leather covered books. interesting, you wouldn't assume he's into reading by looking at him, or hearing him speak. it must be professional deformation. papers are scattered around on his desk. everywhere else except for his desk is tidied and clean, but his desk is a warzone.

the door opens.

"hi, hello, sorry for making you wait. hope you didn't miss me too much" gojo paces toward his desk.

you shake your head. "it's alright, you must be very busy"

gojo stands over his desk and gathers some papers in his hand and puts them aside. "well, it is difficult to be the fun one in this department, y'know?" his blue eyes focus on yours for a moment, as he waits for a reaction from you. you chuckle in response.

gojo pulls out a paper from the batch and sits down. he raises the paper and looks at you. he calls your name. "correct?"

just the way he said your name sends chills down your spine. god, in that moment, you truly wish you would be more active in class, only to hear him call your name.

"correct"

he reads the paper quickly without putting it down. he looks like a kid doing it, yet you feel as if you were in front of a judge.

"so, interesting. you know your grade, right?" you nod.

"i-is there a problem? i thought i did good"

"oh, you did, definitely. this paper is very impressive. i enjoyed reading it." he smiles at you. "the only problem was, i had no idea whose paper i was reading the whole time"

you sit there silently. where was he heading at? he didn't call you in just to tell you to be more active in class, right?

"i mean i did know, i know how to read, but there wasn't a face you know? our class is pretty small, so i know most people. but you, who are you?"

"excuse me?" you manage to let out.

"you don't speak much in class, don't talk to anyone else in class, yet you never skip a class. and then boom! you write out this paper"

"am- am i being accused of something, sir?"

gojo looks amused. he grins, and rests on his back, crossing his arms. his muscles show up, is he trying to look intimidating? is he trying to get a confession out of you? cheating? stealing?

"no, nothing at all. i'm just curious. it's important that i know my pupils. talking to strangers affect my performance too"

"i- guess i'm more of a listener" you feel so small in front of him. this is embarrassing.

gojo gets up and walks to the chair across you.

"but you see, you don't look friendly either."

"wha-"

"i remember seeing you in class and thinking 'wow, she really doesn't wanna be here' which is new to me, cause i'm fun!" now you're sure he must be offended or something.

"sir, if that's the issue, i'll be more active from now on" you just want to leave. whatever it takes, leave.

"but why?" he ignores your suggestion. "why hate being with me?" gojo leans in to be closer to you. his long legs and big body help him be closer to you, despite the small coffee table separating you two.

"there's not a reason, sir. i don't hate-"

"i'm used to being popular among female students, y'know?"

this time, it's your turn to giggle.

"i'm sorry, is this what it's been about? you're offended that i'm not attracted to you?" lie. you're crazy for him. maybe that's why you're extra shy around him. but somehow, a wave of confidence washes over you in this moment. maybe it's the sincerity of him, maybe it's the ridiculousness of the situation. but whatever it is, it made you get a fiendish chuckle from your professor.

"it just doesn't happen. do you hate me? did i do something to you?"

"no, sir, i'm just a shy person"

"why the face?" he points at his own face, and makes a sulky face that you think is supposed to be mimicking your face.

you shrug your shoulders and smile in disbelief. "it's just my face! sir, if it matters to you, i think you're great. i enjoy your lectures, and i promise i'll be more active from now on" you wave your hands and get up to leave. gojo follows after you.

he lays a hand on your shoulder to keep you still.

"that's not it, is it? you missed something"

"e-excuse me?" what the fuck is wrong with this guy?

"tell me i'm handsome" gojo looks into your eyes. his piercing gaze makes you freeze in place. his face is too close to yours, you feel even more embarrassed to know he can see you blushing.

"t-that's not very appro-"

"oh come on! i know you want to say it" he smiles.

hypocrite.

you are a hypocrite. if this was any other person, you would have been scared shitless. yet here you are; heart beating fast, empty minded, an uncomfortable wetness growing stronger.

the sexual tension is so strong. you feel nervous, whatever you say will break the tension or make it reach its breaking point. and you don't know which one you prefer.

you stay silent.

gojo looks into your big eyes, face so close that you wonder if he'll kiss you anytime soon.

"if you're not gonna admit, i'll help you with it" he steps back. "sit on the desk" he orders, voice dark and strong. you stand in disbelief. gojo walks over to his desk while slowly taking off his watch. "you comin' or not?"

you walk over to his desk and sit obediently. your legs are closed, your nervousness can be read from your posture.

"don't be shy, you're in good hands" gojo suddenly kneels and places his palms on your knees. he looks up at you with puppy eyes. "may i?"

you bite the inside of your cheeks and nod. you unbutton your pants and rest your palms next to you. satoru grabs the hem of your baggy jeans. you lift yourself as satoru easily takes your jeans off. your baby pink, cotton panties are exposed in a comical way. satoru laughs at the contrast; your heavy and dark makeup, resting bitch face, and all black clothes hide pretty pink underwear under it. and satoru feels like one hell of a lucky man to be able to witness this.

satoru slides his hand in between your legs and lightly separates them, exposing your sopping panties. satoru's delighted to see you as excited as him. after all, you seemed scared at first.

his soft, juicy lips lay soft kisses all across your plump skin as he makes his way up to your panties. his demeanor suddenly changes, and he rips your panties beastly. one hand lowers your body further to reveal your folds better. satoru doesn't wait another second.

gojo licks your folds, all the way from your hole to cilit. his tongue masterfully dances around the delicate skin, and runs around your clit. your shy moans fill the office room. you cherish the view below you. his broad shoulders are about to rip through his expensive shirt, white hair buried between your legs, long fingers gripping your legs firmly. he plants a firm kiss on top of your clit that makes you shiver. he sucks on the delicate skin and leaves it with a tiny plop sound. he continues untill you're a moaning mess. and god, you hate to admit this, but she was right. he knows how to fuck good.

"gosh, do you do this to all of your students?" the sudden adrenaline rush takes over you, but the embarrassment follows quickly after. for a second, you're scared he'll get mad and stop, but he doesn't.

"i don't. but don't think you'll be my favorite student after this or something" he looks at you with half lidded eyes.

his warm tongue fucks your wet hole until you feel weak in your knees. you wonder how good his cock feels if he can entertain you this much with his tongue. his tongue pushes inside your hole, letting your sweet juices roll down to his throat. he's so amused at how much you're enjoying yourself, it makes his excitement only grow harder. in a few seconds, he'll fuck you till you can't walk out his office.

"s-sir!" you squirm with his touch.

"yes?" he looks up in a mischievious manner and makes gesture at you, as if you were raising a hand to speak. you roll your head back and laugh before grabbing his hair and pushing him back in.

satoru lays a flat tongue on your clit. the pressure is enough to make your legs twitch. he holds himself there for a moment, waiting for your to beg for more. and you do, you really do.

satoru runs his tongue up and down on your clit, making the pointy tip of his tongue push the skin further as he runs his tongue back up with each lap. the pointy tip draws circles around your clit, around and around. god, he feels so good. he might even cum if he continues more. it's the first time he's ever felt so good giving head to someone. your helpless little squeaks, your shy face and confident hand buried in his hair...

knock knock

you quickly turn around to face the door

"professor gojo? i brought the books" a male voice calls. "can i come in?"

gojo gets up with a sinical smirk on his face, and gently pushes you by your back down.

"give me a second!" he shouts at the door as he takes off his belt and lays it under the desk. he sits down on his chair and calls you down with his two fingers. you instantly obey, kneeling down to his knee level. gojo pushes his chair further under the desk so that you can't be seen. you quickly unbutton his jeans before gojo calls the man inside.

you grab the hem of his underwear and push it down to expose his hard cock. it's dark, your view is limited, but you make the best of it. you hear footsteps get closer, so you hold your breath. you hesitate, you're terrified of getting caught.

"so, about tomorrow's meeting..." a faint voice fills your surroundings. your heart beats fast, and your hands shakily grab his tip.

gojo's surprised at this hesitation. maybe you really do need some help after all. he pretends to listen to what the man is yammering away about. he sneaks his hand down to table and cautiously pushes your head to mouth his length. the sudden push startles you, but it gives you the push you needed.

once gojo's palm leaves your head, you start slowly taking in his dick. you hear him exhale casually, before he responds to the man. he's big, so it takes you a while to fully take him inside. you pull your head back, and lick along his cock.

"...so i figured we would go with another plan..." gojo continues. once you swirl your tongue around his tip, licking the thick precum, finally getting a taste of him. you hear his voice shake for a second. satoru pretends to cough. he must be sensitive on his tip, you figure, and focus on teasing his tip.

you start rubbing his length where your mouth can't reach. every time you release his cock, you quickly swirly your tongue on his tip so that he shakes slightly, making him shift in his chair to not expose your affair to the clueless man. you repeat: suck, pump, release, twirl. suck, pump, release, twi-

satoru spasms on his chair once again as your tongue touches his tip. you think he's cumming for a moment, but those thoughts disappear once you feel a strong hand grab you by your hair, pulling you away from his cock.

"see you tomorrow, satoru" the man says before he leaves the room. with the door closing, satoru pulls back. in a moment, you find yourself picked up like a cat and sat on the table.

"you think you're funny?" gojo growls. "teasing me like that? in front of my colleague?" his eyebrows are furrowed and jaw is clenched. he looks terrifying.

"i-i thought you wanted me to-"

"getting spoiled, hm? do you need to be disciplined?" it's almost as if gojo was searching for a reason to be mad at you, to fuck you like you mean nothing to him.

before you could respond, gojo discards your crop top and leaves you bare chested and cold. satoru can't decide whether the twitching of his dick is caused by the shock of you not wearing a bra to meet your professor or how arousing your perky, plump tits look in front of him. whatever it is, it's enough to make his beasty look go darker.

gojo hisses with what feels like frustration. he wants you, he wants you now, and he cannot waste another second. in a moment, you're pressed down onto the desk, on your chest with two strong hands pulling your ass up high. the wooden desk is warm, yet the hotness of your body combined with the cooler desk makes your body shiver. it doesn't help that gojo's teasing your entrance with his tip either. you whine under his touch, signaling him to go further in. he's amused at your neediness. you want to use your words, but you end up only being able to whine and groan. it's cute, adorable. satoru wonders how you'd be once he's done with you.

"what should i do?" gojo teases. he places his tip in your entrance, only for your hole to stretch enough to take the head in. the feeling is overwhelming even now, and you know it will hurt once he fully inserts himself.

well, they don't say curiosity kills the cat for no reason.

"p-please, f-fuck..." you whisper, tears pooling in your eyes slowly as frustration and tension grow bigger.

"hm? what was that?" gojo leans in closer to your face, making his cock enter a little more. you whimper with the new feeling. it's more painful, yet somehow very intimate.

"p-please..." you quietly respond again.

"we talked this through. speak up, don't be shy!"

you squeeze the papers scattered on the table, trying to from words, but your mind is blank.

"embarrassed? if it helps, princess, no one can hear you" gojo whispers. the irony. gojo satoru, the nonchalant extrovert that warns you in a craven tone; and you, the shy, anxious little girl, soon screaming your lungs out, begging him to fuck you.

"god, just fuck me!" you scream. it's the start gojo needed, and finally, he can unleash himself into you.

gojo slides his length inside without waiting for you to adjust to him fully. your walls stretch and shrink within a second, as he pulls himself almost completely before entering himself fully once again. your wet hole takes him fully, squeezing every inch of his thick cock. your walm, velvety walls make gojo dizzy with pleasure. his voice switches from manly groans to helpless whimpers. and you, gosh, you're a complete mess. your hair falls over your face, but you're too busy getting railed into oblivion to pick it up. you helplessly grab the edges of the desk in an attempt to gather yourself, but it's no use. the only thing you can do is scream out his name, the only thing you can think of.

"fuck..." gojo hisses into your ear. he grabs a fistful of your hair, finally opening your face. he grabs you closer to his chest and holds you in position by your throat as he uses his other hand to help you catch the rhythm of his thrusts. your back instantly arches, and you need to hold on to his tighs to not fall off. you gasp for breath as he mercilessly pounds into you behind your back. the slapping sounds are too far away from you. your vision gets blurry. it feels good, it shouldn't feel good, but it does. he moves as if he wants to hurt you, to take revenge. he's ruthless, contrary to how softly he kissed your cunt and how sweet he called your name earlier.

"yeah? feels good, hm?" gojo turns your face to his. your wet eyelashes, red cheeks wet with tears, mouth shiny with saliva... what a view he had. and him; his white hair always perfectly in place is now all over his forehead, sweat glistening his long neck, and tight muscles showing under the thin fabric of his shirt. and his eyes... his eyes screaming wildly, violently; yet his gaze is soft and caring. gojo realizes too, as he loosens his grip on your neck, and slows down his tempo. you inhale, cheeks puffed up and head slightly tilted back. gojo takes advantage of the vulnerability of the moment. satoru's soft lips lock with yours in a passionate kiss. he holds your chin in place, and you help him by grabbing his wrist. his tongue dances over yours, and all over your lips. wetness covers your lips. it's messy, you both miss your lips as satoru continues thrusting, but it's more romantic this way. you're both craving each other, something neither of you had realized before this exact moment. your heart beats even faster for a second, as you want to be like this forever. even with his most violent desire, he's so caring and romantic. you know it's all meaningless, that none of these matter, and that your affair will meet its end once he decides he's had enough. so you want to be in this moment forever.

"don't stop" you breathe in his mouth and look into his eyes. satoru's cock twitches inside you, his pace slows down. he slips himself out. did you say something wrong? did he realize what he's doing?

you look at him, confused. satoru's face is impossible to read, he just stands there looking at you. the sudden silence makes you anxious once again. you back up and hit your leg into the desk.

satoru grabs you by your leg as you almost lose your balance. he gently pushes you down by your shoulders and sits you down. he lowers his body before grabbing your knees and making you wrap them around his hips. he unbuttons his shirt but doesn't take it off. his toned abs are finally exposed. you examine every curve on his body, his chest.

satoru locks his lips with yours again. he's softer now. it's like he's known you since forever, like his tongue knows how it's supposed to move inside your mouth. this time, you don't shiver, but a warmness follows down your spine. you cusp his cheek as you deepen the kiss.

there you are, warm light framing your bodies under the sunset, bodies locked. where you end is where satoru begins. your bodies move in harmony. he gently rolls his hips into you, and you lift your hips to meet his. not leaving each others' embrace for a second. what happened so suddenly? is this the beast you were so scared of?

"yes... yes..." you moan into his mouth.

"yeah? you like it, baby?" he asks with a soft voice. you move your head and bury it into his neck. you grab his broad shoulders under his shirt tightly, making sure you're gentle. but you can't help it, you're about to snap. you dig your nails into his skin. he pants and moans into your ear. his voice gets shaky, he sounds so pathetically needy. you realize he needs you as much as you need him.

satoru holds you closer to his chest and embraces you as he fucks through your climax. his steady pace strengthens the tightness down your abdomen. you feel the tingling travel all over your body, as you beg satoru to continue.

"you close, baby? want me to finish inside you, hm?" he asks with a raspy voice. he already knows the answer.

"sa-satoru..." you breathe into his skin.

"look into my eyes" he calls your name. "fuck, look at my eyes"

you tilt your head and meet his glassy, baby blue eyes. he looks so vulnerable in this moment. satoru kisses you once more before he rests his forehead onto yours. his steady pace doesn't change, as you both wait to reach the end.

the knot inside your body tightens and tightens, until it's impossible to stand it. your body spasms under him, and you can only call out his name.

"satoru!" you squirm, not leaving his touch for a second.

"come on baby, cum for me" he pants. "my pretty little girl, you're doing so good"

you let out one last shaky breath and lose control. you shake and spasm, but satoru holds you tightly in place. he rides your climax, as he chases his own. he plants soft kisses all over your face as you lose your mind. your whole body's tingly, mind fuzzy, and numb. you stay there, watching satoru's breath get faster.

you grab both of his cheeks and look into his eyes. you don't look away or move, you hold him in place. his shiny eyes look into yours, amazed at how beautiful you are, how pretty you are for him. and how you're his, in this moment, he's yours.

satoru moves hips further once more before his thrusts stop. his moves come to a full stop. he doesn't avert his gaze, as he slaps his hips into you once more. the warmness washes over you as he empties himself deep inside you. satoru whispers your name, followed by a shaky moan. he stands still for a second, lets his cock rest inside you for a moment as you both stand in silent. he's lost in your embrace, and so are you.

all your anxieties from earlier wash away. he's right, he definitely made sure you like him. and all the papers you ruined, the ones he's supposed to show his students, he will have to think about later.

"you really are very handsome"

gojo's comeback might have taken shorter than mine, but hey, better late than never right? lol anyways, sorry for the long wait and sorry, this isn't the unboxing smut. i suddenly felt the urge to write another jjk teacher/student fic but it's a little more legal now at least. i'm also obsessed with gojo again. hope you enjoyed your meal! (ok but why do my snopsises lowkey eat harder than the fic itself)

this was... easier than i thought it would be. i missed writing so much and haven't felt this much fun and ease writing anything in such a long time! i'm so excited for jjk season 2 and the manga's progress. i think this is another jjk summer yall. also, i'm doing an unofficial internship this summer! so, since i like being active when i'm busy with daily life stuff, who knows, i might become active again

hope you guys liked it! see you next time you horny emo slut ʕ•́ᴥ•̀ʔっ

[dark-night-hero]

i love the imagine u wrote where zhongli would give us up for the world 🥹🥹 and it got me thinking:

what if the reader gets incarnated to the current timeline we have and meets zhongli again? they don’t have the past memories but somehow zhongli feels familiar for them. Z thinks this era is the right time for him to take back the past and do things right so he spends time w them but he somehow finds out that reader has a lover (maybe another playable character). Z begins to asks questions abt their lover and idk how their convo would play out but I just imagine where reader gets a question where they answer with “i would give up the world for them (their lover)” and zhong is just hit with past memories and regrets wishing how he could have done things differently idk i j imagine it rly angsty 😭😭

Sorry to disturb but this has been on my mind i cant stop thinking abt it and i wanted to share 😭😭 Anyways, i look forward to more of ur works!! keep up the good work ur doing great 🥺🫶

: following zhongli (world > you)

Imagine how had Mor- Zhongli tried to get close to you, you who obviously was rather uncomfortable with his presence. And the only key to it was the traveller, the same old traveller that had help Liyue and Monstand and is now away on their venture in Inazuma. That being said, nowadays he had been keeping you company.

"You've been off since the departure of the Traveller." Zhongli spoke as he stand right beside you in the harbor.

"Really? I didn't notice." You have him a small smile.

"But I guess you're right, I've been missing the traveller so bad nowadays." You chuckle.

Imagine, at that very moment, Zhongli hoped he didn't not see you. Not when you're looking like that. Not when you're looking so soft, so lovely, obviously longing for someone, someone who definitely wasn't him.

Imagine the way his heart dropped to his stomach. The way his hand clenched around nothing before realising it. And after a few moments of silence.

"Do you.. Perhaps have feelings for the traveller?"

Imagine the way his voice shaken, obviously did go unnoticed by you. The way his amber iris were shaking, hoping and trying to deny reality as best as he can. He had hope for a chance. He knew this time, nothing can go wrong with the two of you. So he approached you, he tried to get close to you, he really did. But perhaps it was already too late, or was it? Did he even had a chance in this new persona he now possess?

"Honestly, I'm not sure myself." You chuckle.

"Or so I thought before the traveller left. Did you know? The traveller confessed to me, but Traveller also told me that they had so many things going on at the moment so.." As you look beyond the sea, you smile genuinely.

"I was wondering that in the world was the Traveller even thinking confessing and leaving me just like that, but now that I think about it. Its wasn't so bad."

Imagine the way you smile, the way your brush back your hair, trying to fix it upon the harsh breeze that have been messing with your hair earlier.

"If the world wants me dead, if the world see me as a threat, what would you do?"

"Huh?"

"What was the question that suddenly came into mind as soon as te Traveller confessed."

"What was the Traveller reply?"

Imagine the way you laugh, the way you smile genuinely as you recall the answer of that silly, adventurous, kind Traveller reply.

Imagine the way Zhongli kept staring at you, you who looked all refesh and happy, bright as you were before. Oh how much it hurts him he was no longer the reason why.

"How about a new world?"

"What?"

"I'll just have to take you to a new world. As you are already aware I wasn't from this world. All we have to do is to escape and find a new world where no one can take you away from me. Although my twin always somes first, I cannot afford to loose you, you know?"

"..." "(First name)? Are you o-?" "Pfff.."

"Did I say something funny?" "No.. hehe, I'm just.. I don't know." Was it relief that you felt?

Imagine the way you let out a sigh. Thinking about the Traveller only makes you miss them more. Perhaps you should have given the Traveller a reply back then but both of you agreed to put more thought into it and give them a reply upon coming back.

"Escape." It was just one word.

"I see." Zhongli replied, this time he looked away from you.

"If you don't mind me asking." "What is it?"

"If it's for the sake of the world, would you be willing to kill them?"

Imagine the way you once again let out a sigh, as you went quite only for a few moments, you face him and tug his sleeve.

"If that person meant the world for you, isn't that enough reason to be selfish?" You chuckle.

"Isn't a world without your beloved would only felt like a living hell?" You added as you never once look away from him.

"It goes on without saying that it's them over the world. That's how much they matter to me, that's how much I love them."

Imagine the way Zhongli chuckle and the way his lips form a bitter smile afterwards nevertheless, he agreed to you and eventually excuse himself. Leaving you all alone in the harbor, all waiting for the Traveller and not him. But it's alright, one way or another, he deserves this.

Imagine as Zhongli walks away from you, you stare at him and as you do so. He looks so lonely. But then you blink as a harsh breeze passes by, turning your look into the horizon, the sun was peacefully setting. How beautiful yet it left a bitter taste in your mouth in which you soon ignore.

"Escape huh."

Imagine, it's not like he did not think about it. But back then, the best choice was to kill you. But after hearing what you said, he starts to doubt if he did perhaps made a mistake, leaving regrets behind. After all, you were right. A world were he couldn't embrace you when you were right in front of him was like a living hell.

Imagine the way it was making him wonder if he was only a little bit selfish, if only he did not listen to the pleads of his people, his friends. If only he tried to find another way. If only he choses the other way. Would the two of you be happy and still together like you were back then?

He doesn't know, after all, those were the choices he didn't take. And this was the consequence he had to face.

[ⓒdark-night-hero] 2023°

: I think I strayed away from what was asked. Crap, did I do this right?

[the-bitter-ocean]

mira and sif's friendship means so much to me so thinking about post-act 5 ICAS makes me want to explode (POSITIVE)

on that note i wonder how the conversation at the clocktower went? it's not like leaving mirabelle behind is an option so they probably don't bring that up but. y'know. how's everyone feeling?

( ACT 5 SPOILERS ) Hello anon I am glad that you are enjoying my au! To answer your question, as you brought up you’re correct that the group wouldn’t suggest leaving Mirabelle. They wouldn’t because 1) that’s their friend and 2) they quite literally cannot progress in any meaningful way in the king fight / through the house without her. They would most definitely not make it. That being said nobody is happy with how Mirabelle treated them. Concerned that Mirabelle won’t say what’s wrong to her friends and upset about all the mean things she said when lashing out etc. I have not fully posted the act 5 clock tower convo yet (still in the process of drawing the CGS for it) but I do have bits of dialogue if you’d like to see it! Writing excerpt is under the cut:

TLDR: The group does talk about how Mirabelle is acting really strange and how her actions have hurt everyone. They all wish to talk to her about how they feel and ask her to let someone else in the group do the leading instead, since they feel like Mirabelle in the state that she’s in right now isn’t exactly fit to lead the party like usual. The group planned on still taking her but opted to give her more of a break and let everyone else do more of the heavy lifting so to speak ( believing that the main source of her stress is from taking one too many responsibilities all on her own + the pressure of saving the country ).

Mirabelle unfortunately after overhearing the conversation came to the wrong conclusion altogether. Mirabelle (incorrectly) assumes that after all this time she clearly was being selfish- that she “forced” her companions to accompany her journey to defeat the king and that they don’t trust her anymore. Mirabelle thinks that it should have just been her to defeat him. In her mind it makes sense: she’s the one with the time freeze immunity given to her by Euphrasie and she’s the one looping in time. The act 5 clock tower conversation just unintentionally reaffirmed her fears that she dragged innocent people into danger and will only get them hurt or killed. So she decides the best course of action is to take the orbs and run off to fight the king alone.

I’m sure it went totally great.

[olasketches]

So the fight is really over...my glorious four armed giant spider is gone. Yuji really was foreshadowing about the slime thingy heh. I'm so happy to see the trio back and together again like you tell me this a year ago this is what was going to happen and I'd just give you a maniacal laugh. But I still don't know how to feel about Sukuna's end like we all knew he was going to die and in perspective it does feels satisfying. Sukuna being ripped apart from Megumi and his little convo with Megumi...yeah dude really is walking contradiction. Always saying he's living to die but actually doesn't want to die. Indirectly answering Kashimo's question. But his end just seems...eh? Like at first Kenjaku's end seemed like that to me too but it made sense later on. Kenjaku came in silence and went like that but Sukuna he was never like Kenjaku or Mahito so his ending being parallel to Mahito didn't really sit right with me and i actually wanted him to get anything but a glorious death but this feels...stale somehow? Idk he's still the same untrue to himself. Wish we could get more of his thought process. Or maybe this was it to show Sukuna's denial became his defeat. I just hoped for more emotionally charged defeat of his..but it's GeGe story I'm happy they're telling it like they want to.

Also Uraume and Hakari was funny too they fought all this time bonded, praised and just dipped. Makes me think if they had a binding vow with Sukuna too? Sorry for all the yap and incoherence. I'm just feeling underwhelmed? Overwhelmed? what are your thoughts regarding this chapter and Suku's end?

"my glorious four armed giant spider is gone" took me out sksksksk he's really just a bug when you think about it lol.

anyway thank you for sending me your ask. I really liked reading your thoughts and how you called suku out for being contradictory and a hypocrite till the very end AS YOU SHOULD THANK YOU!! honestly, this fact alone makes the whole chapter all the more special to me but on this in a sec cause I'm guessing the reaction to his demise is quite... well I guess ppl are not really happy with it..??? I mean some of them probably are and by "some" I mean *cough, cough* the haters *cough, cough* but well... I wouldn't know cause ONE I'm actually (and maybe surprisingly) super pleased and satisfied with this chapter and TWO, I didn't go and check others reaction to it lol I'm planning to keep it that way for now. I'm really not a big fan of twt fandoms spaces in fact I can't stand them... too much negativity and toxicity *shudders*.

so my thoughts... to put it simply, I loved it more than loved it actually. and yeah yeah sure he turned into a slimy lil bug which probably put many people off but hey let's not forget sukuna was basically like a parasite possessing megumi's body, so it makes sense that once peeled off only curse-like residues would remain... but I can understand why some stans didn't like that part. I personally found funny but that's just me lol.

and yeah the final seemed quite underwhelming, but I think that's what makes it so good. I didn't want sukuna's death to be the most interesting thing about his character and well it's not. rather than having a big an "after life" moment like jogo, gojo or kashimo, he spent his last moments with the only person who cared about the human sukuna so stubbornly tried to burry inside him.

I actually found his conclusion to be quite beautiful and moving, cause instead of being looked down upon by yuuji as many stans thought would be the case, he was offered something else entirely. something no one ever gave him - kindness and love. yes, I'm using the "L" word here cause in the end that's what it was... yuuji showed sukuna the true value of love. he accepted him and ask him to live with him despite everything sukuna has put him through. despite all the chaos chaos and distraction he caused him, yuuji still accepted him. he not only showed sukuna genuine empathy and compassion but also recognised that sukuna is really... just like him. when yuuji looked into (blop) sukuna's eyes (my beloved) he could only see himself. he realised that under different circumstances, he could've turned out like sukuna if he didn't have his grandpa by his side. he realised that if he could have turned out like sukuna then sukuna could've turned out like him too, that if only sukuna had someone who loved him and guided him and accepted him, he most likely wouldn't have turned into a curse, which is another thing I loved and cry about in this chapter.

sukuna only saw himself as a curse :")). he acknowledged yuuji and finally called him by his full name but in the end he still only think of himself as a "curse" not as human, not even as a god or king of curses but only a curse :")).

the reason why I loved just how "underwhelming" his death felt like is because instead of framing and defining his entire character by his his final moments, gege made the rest of his moments in the manga stand out EVEN MORE. instead of having a moment of reflection and introspection in this chapter as well as in chapter 265 or 266... and oh well entire shinjiku showdown basically, his character started to trip and reveal just how contradictory he is. sukuna claimed he was satisfied with his life and doesn't care about dying, he also claimed he doesn't care about ideals and even despised them, he also claimed he doesn't feel anything and he doesn't need others to satisfy him and then you have all those small moments when you realise "wait, that is not right" and you look back and rethink everything. sukuna does feel and he NEEDS others to satisfy him, cause that's what his entire "philosophy" hinges on.

"Every human has a unique and fleeting taste... which makes devouring them a perfect way to pass time until death"

he DID get excited when maki became the first person to ever give him a role

This is a first. You're the only one who ever forced a role upon me. (while grinning like a maniac)

and then megumi lied his bs out in the open and revealed that sukuna was afraid of death too, despite believing otherwise

Even something like you fears death...

this only goes to show that sukuna convinced himself (and many other readers) that he is not human, that he is above that, that he doesn't care about the things they do... but if even "something like him" feared death, got excited to be given a role, praised and encouraged others for their talents and skills and connected to them in one way another only to "pass time" or knew about flowers and caught a crayfish then that means... he must be human too.

and even if sukuna and the rest of the world couldn't and didn't want to accept that, there was one person who did. someone sukuna hurt the most, someone who saw him at his worst and at his weakest. someone who in the end still decided to show him love, because he belived sukuna is still worthy of love, despite everyone and maybe even sukuna himself, believing that he no longer is worthy of such thing.

"Even if no one else will accept you... I'll live with you" "Itadori Yuuji... don't underestimate me. I'm... a "curse"!

[half-dead-writer]

You know what we need? You Niel with a girl boss gf. Imagine it, neil with a hot rich girlfriend that likes to spoil him. The others reactions would be funny asf too

I would absolutely spoil him, if only I was rich 😩 Thank you for your request! There needs to be more Neil content!! I changed it to gn so I hope you don't mind

Young Neil with a hot and rich S/O

character: Young Neil Nordegraf (Scott Pilgrim Takes Off)

words: 750

reader: gender neutral

warnings: none

𝔯𝔲𝔩𝔢𝔰 + 𝔪𝔞𝔰𝔱𝔢𝔯𝔩𝔦𝔰𝔱 / 𝔖𝔠𝔬𝔱𝔱 𝔓𝔦𝔩𝔤𝔯𝔦𝔪 𝔗𝔞𝔨𝔢𝔰 𝔒𝔣𝔣 𝔪𝔞𝔰𝔱𝔢𝔯𝔩𝔦𝔰𝔱

ok first off

how the hell did he end up with you?

he thought he was like, way out of your league

you're hot, pretty wealthy from what he knew about you- and him? he was just some 20 year old guy, living in Stephen's house

Neil had an undeniable crush on you but never really bothered to confess it

I mean, technically you never asked??

ok truthfully he just didn't think he had any chances

he "waited for you to make the first move", he would tell you everything, if only you asked

until, with some luck on his side and the stars aligning, you did

"Neil, would you wanna be my boyfriend?" Even though it was barely visible through his poker face, it was clear he was caught off guard by the question. The warmth travelled straight to his ears, a stark contrast in comparison to his face. His weird quirk was not being able to blush through his cheeks. You noticed it right away. "I like you. A lot," Eyes open wide were scanning your facial structure, almost as a distraction for the sudden shift in the mood. "It's a yes, I take it?" You smiled, not expecting such a fast answer. "Yeah," he deadpanned, seeming a bit dazed. It took him a short moment to spit out his next words, "Can I hug you?" A light chuckle hit his ears, of course he would ask such question after being asked out, you thought. It was honestly adorable. "Of course," you grinned, quickly clinging to him like a snake. An awkward second passed until he reciprocated. Outwardly he was still a bit in disbelief of the entire thing happening, but inside he was bubbling with joy. Or maybe it was vomit? Probably both, but he decided not to dwell on it. Aside from a few times you decided to sit close to him, the warmth of your body, let alone a hug from you, was something he would never expect to get after just asking. And your smell- The perfume you wore was a thing he always immediately recognized, it was like your trademark. it brought him comfort having you up so close.

The gang's reactions were of course- the way you'd expect them to be.

"Neil is there anything you're hiding from us? Do you use some fancy brand of cologne that make others go crazy?" Kim's eyes stared at you from under her bangs, not judgemental, yet very confused. Neil, of course, smelled himself, "no, I smell just like I usually do," he responded with certainty. "Wow," was Stephen's addition to the convo, "almost makes me jealous! I mean- with all due respect of course, Y/N" Everyone's attention was turned to the doors being flung open, Scott visibly surprised was standing on the other side. He was late to the meeting. "Neil is dating Y/N??"

Neil was a pretty easy to maintain boyfriend

that didn't stop you from absolutely spoiling him though

new video game? got it babe

you want starbucks? I'll get you 2 cinnabuns along with it

new clothes? only the comfiest ones

he was pretty surprised when you first offered to buy him such expensive stuff

he doesn't need much, but of course he appreciates every gift you give him

he just wishes he could get you something like that as well, which his budget doesn't really allow for

you reassure him he doesn't have to buy you anything, that his presence is enough for you

Wallace won't spare his quips about him being your sugar-baby, though

one time Neil thought to show his appreciation to you by making you both a fancy dinner

which turned out- pretty horrible

You tried to be polite by taking a bite, but the offending flavor attacked your tastebuds without holding back, forcing you to quickly wash down the taste with a sip of water, "It's um... not the worst thing I had?" Neil gazed at your reaction, taking a bite himself, outright spitting it out after, "ewwh- it tastes so bad," he scrunched, "you really think it's not the worst?"" "... Yeah it's pretty bad," you smiled softly, amused by the reaction to his own creation. "Wanna order take-out?" He looked at you expectantly, not even trying to argue about the quality of the food. "On it," you said, phone already in your hand.

[toxicanonymity]

raider analysis

Warnings: angst, references to violence, captivity, references to past assault/abuse, warnings from the related posts this is analyzing.

A/N: this is about the hypothetical from today, plus some about the 🐶 (goes into Hunger). Keep in mind I share these because some people enjoy it, not because i want you to read it like AP Lit, lol. 🫣

------

Ok, the kinda tearjerking exchange (not my favorite kind of jerking, but it happened, sorry) starts off

“‘Member what I said after ya ran?” You nod. “that you only want me if I'm good?” A tear runs down your cheek.

I have to admit I'm sad for both of you in this moment. You especially, sweet pea. But also, Joel regrets how he treated you in the aftermath of your escape, and he can't undo it. He's mostly thought about the physical part of it (glimpse of this in the yoga drabble). Now hearing you paraphrase his words, he's faced with the fact that it's even worse than he's been beating himself up over (deservedly, tbf). 

As far as you running away, the main thing that reassured Joel was how you said it wasn't about him, it was the other guys, to which he said you gotta talk to him when something's bothering you. So in his eyes that was his main point. But before he calmed down enough to express that, he was angry and it made a real impression on you. Your main takeaway was that his interest in you (and your safety) was conditional.  You don't think about it a lot these days, and in the big picture it's outweighed by his extreme possessiveness, but it's a thread of insecurity and the first thing that comes to mind when he asks if you remember what he said.

For Joel, there's a whole other conversation happening here (with himself) under the surface.

In this convo when Joel says “that was real bad,” it all was, including what he did in response.  When he asks “we’re past that, right?” he means all of it. He wishes that day would just go away. It's also kind of an empty hope related to what he's done to you. He doesn't think he deserves forgiveness or love, but at this point he also doesn't want you to live in fear of him or only stay for that reason. 

You answer as if he just wants to know you wont run away again, and that's still nice to hear. He latches onto that answer as a momentary "out" from feeling the weight of what he's done, reminding himself what's supposed to really matter to him–that you're "his"--like your answer assumed he was thinking.

—--

Also, a word about the dog. Not everything with the dog is profound. I like doggos and think they should have one. But, the initial interaction/freeing him from the collar is meaningful if you consider who else has been chained in this story (but not lately).  And there's more parallels you can draw if you want to, but I also support just enjoying the little guy.

In the same chapter, it's the first time we see Joel take you out with him as a capable person (armed). Then he even lets you go into the forest alone. The reason he ultimately goes in after you is because he's worried about you. In general, Joel wants to keep you for his own sake but is also scared of what could happen to you on your own (he's almost seen it). You're legitimately worried about the dog’s well-being and think he needs you, but you also just want him around.

Joel despises the addict and the way he treated his own dog. Joel hates himself, too. His thoughts coming out of the forest reveal he’s coming for the junkie as a stand-in and what he really wants is to hurt everyone who ever hurt you. He knows he's one of those people. I'm not saying he wants to hurt himself but some of the aggression he takes out on other men (when a simple bullet would suffice) is from his own self hatred. Normally these men have something in common with him. 

Joel initially rejects the dog, not wanting another someone to take care of distracting him from protecting you. But later the dog demonstrates he's more than meets the eye and has a lot to offer and for good reason Joel seems to come around, even if he won't say it. Despite that progress, in the hypothetical from today we still want more for the dog.  The dog deserves more. We still want more for sweet pea who is emotionally starving and has been subjected to Joel's coldness in her previous attempts to get closer to him. She deserves more. Like maybe a kiss at least (when she's awake). In night air we see why Joel struggles with that, but he keeps making progress. At least he's kissing your other lips.

-----

----

Thank you for reading and being invested <3. Joel's a bad guy but tbh I identify with and pour myself into both these characters in different ways.

I'm tired but this isn't exhaustive 😅 your thoughts and interpretation are valid, too.

[mrsarnasdelicious]

EAC 3 - November 3 - 5

What a weekend y'all....

What a travel, firstly. I took the eurostar from Schiphol or Charles de Gaule. I had orginially planned to meet up with @sihtricfedaraaahvicius, but it was soo busy we could not move from our assigned seats. We met once we left the train and crossed the airport in search of a bus that would bring us to the hotel, which we did not find. So instead she ordered us an uber-ish ride, which also was half an adventure.

But we got to the hotel in the end and we had a full welcome commity waiting for us. It was so good reuniting with all the people I met in the Nowalls discord and grew close with after Dortmund. It was like coming home to so many loved ones. I also met a great many new friends and took many of them into my heart.

I received a few wonderful gifts from my friends.

After settling into the hotel, we went to the mall with a group, which was rather chaotic. We had lunch there and I found a Thestral figurine.

Once back from the mall we hung out at the hotel for a while and I changed into my 'party' clothes; white jeans, white tank, hard rock london shirt and black thin cardigan. I looked good, NGL.

While waiting in line for the cocktail party, I met Lucile, who is now my bestie. We supported each other through our nerves and when I felt a litlte faint. This was mostly because I hadn't eaten or drank enough. After two glasses of cola, I was most certainly feeling more perky.

[Photo credit by Lucile]

First at our table [us being Rike, Gemma, Lucile and I and later Carlotta also] was Jacob. Young man was carrying a cup of tea, going 'how British am I, I brought tea to a champain party.' which was too cute. I tried to guess it was fennel tea, to which he said he wished it was fennel, but it was mint. I told him my late granddad was also named Jacob and showed off my newest tattoo. Jacob liked the tat a lot.

Second was Tim and I am still not used to that thin ear ring. It suits him, but somehow still surprises me when I see it, every time. He asked us about halloween and I want to ask him about Fallen, but the convo did not go that way.

I am not sure of the order after this, so bear with me as I sort of wing it.

Stefanie was 'omg you have Eadith hair' right away and I was very awkward about taking the compliment on my hair, even though I am quite confident about my hair.

Eliza started about halloween, but it meandered and she ended up spotting my tattoos. My hands were admired and she was like 'Arnas is gona scream the moment he sees these' and she was not wrong...

James decided he wanted to ask us a question and he asked us what film had most influence on our lives. I of course said Harry Potter. The Wizarding world has absolutely been formative for my passion for stories in all forms. James defo loved that answer.

Christian talked mainly with my friends, demonstrating his talent for languages. I couldn't help getting lost in those beautiful blue eyes, though.

I don't remember what Ossian talked about, I just remember that he came in for a hug right away.

Harry talked about his appearance on Nowalls' first live show, which was a good little laugh. He also remarked on how the cocktail party felt much more posh than it actually was.

Mark greeted me with 'your hair has grown' which made me feel some type of way. I mean, this man remembers enough of me to recall an approximation of my hair length. We then talked about his moustache and how most of us really disliked it.

Last to our table was Arnas and he came in loud. I scolded him for it and he went on a whole spiel about how he still had all the gifts I had given him and how he kept it all on his nighstand and that I was too hard on him. He took a good look at my tats and said mine looked so much better than his on the show, which is of course absolute nonsense, but I appreciate the effort. He comlained about missing the eurostar, because he missed the boarding time. I asked himif he had checked his ticked for the boarding time, which of course he said he hadn't, like a true ADHD man. When he made to leave, I pulled out my rings to put them back on and this absolute man holds out his hands (only later I realised the missed opportunity for me to put a ring on this guy and forever joke about him being my fiance). I go 'Excuse!?!' and he sasses me back with 'wat wil je?'

There was a group photo after that and we were ushered out to await the werewolf games.

Werewolves was an invaritable mess.

I was in a village with Mark, James, Jacob and a reasonable measure of my friends. Barely anyone had ever played the game and the GM was very basic in the story telling.

I had quite a good back and forth with James before the game got started and he was pretty down for having me GM, but I knew that would not be in the cards. No, in the cards for me was the Witch.

We first got a round of introducing our 'characters' and then it was right off to the first night. Cupid matched my friend Angela with Mark, completely at random, but Angela suspected it was me. The werewolves were allowed a victim right after, which happened to be me. I resurrected myself with my potion and the day started. Mark had the bright idea of all putting their hand down and raise your hand if you are a villager. My autism needs computing time, so I was of course the last to raise my hand and I was once more set to die.

I got to spectate the rest of the game. It was quite a mess and Mark ended up either fogetting he was matched with Angela, or going into his role too deep, because he decided to off her and then he had to go too, because the lovers cannot continue the game if one of them dies. Mark and James were the werewolves and James ended up surviving the whole game on his own and thus winning.

We had some time after that and ended up playing word chain for a good while, until we took another group photo and I rough housed with Angela and Jacob a little bit.

After the games there was a viewing of SKMD, but I was very tired, so Mary and I headed to her friend's flat. The friend was not home that night, so we could get some fangirling in before sleep.

We got up early in the morning, because I had to be in time for the selfie lounge.

I had the selfie lounge with everyone's favourite Sihtric-fic writer. So we waited together and once admitted sat on the last chairs of the first line of chairs. It looked like an AA meeting at first, but once the guests came in, it was more like a fashion runway. Especially Arnas enjoyed showing off.

@sihtricfedaraaahvicius and I stuck together and we even got a selfie with the both of us and Eliza and with James, which was very sweet.

I noticed that most of the guests had to be sort of directed towards us, because we sort of stayed on one side of the room. I am not the person to just accost the guests for a picture.

We got pics with all the guests, but I did not get to the plans I had. No due selfie with Arnas and no Sihtric + Sigtryggr for my friend. I'm sorry bestie. We also both got an Eys hug, which was adorable.

Arnas was the before last to come to us. He had a good back and forth with my friend, but to me he said 'our lives are so intertwined now' and that is genuinly all I recall he said to be in the Selfie Lounge. The sentence most certainly had a running up, but I can't recall it.

My friend said, once we left the Lounge that Arnas enjoys getting a rise out of me. Gee thanks, Guy...

After the opening ceremony, I lined up for the photo op with James.

I left it up to James to make up a pose and he decided he wanted to pretend to take a pic of me, which turned out cute as much as imaginative. Another friend says it looks like he is using the force on me instead, which is also a fun interperation.

I felt very at ease around James, not at all nervous. He is so sweet and kind.

Secondly I had the photo op with Stefanie. We did s simple, sweet hug and I quite like the pic. Stefanie is so wonderful and sweet and I can't wait to see her again. Hopefully next year!

And then I had Arnas' Photo OP...

I still had some nerves about him, so I came up to him a bit tense. 'Oh we're going for nervous, are we' he told me and I just could not let him tease me, so I tried to pull him over.

And he went with it, giving me some pressure in return even.

And then came my moment, the individual meeting with Arnas.

Good gods, this man. He asked about my daughter and what her thing was now. We had a small confusion about miffy/nijntje until I indicated the bracelet I had given him in Dortmund, that is when the dime dropped. It really warmed my heart when he asked about her.

I gave him his giftbag and we just spent the five minutes calmly going through it, along with some small talk. He loved the Jellycat plush, proclaiming he'd take it everywhere and wanted some weed to go with the donuts I brought him. So next year we are bring him edibles.

He was also ravingly enthusiastic about the scribble-drawing Fayen made him and even took a selfie with it. I have yet to recieve it though, hoping he did not forget, Don Chaot!

Then it was time for me to get some autographs and first was Stefanie. She is just such a lovely person to talk to. She gave me a sweet hug and even asked me to sign the rose photo and Nowallsona pics I brought her. I hope she'll return next year because I soooo wana talk to her and hug her again. (Woman Crush Wednesday fo sho!)

I went to Eliza next and that woman is an absolute queen. She said that I attract people to me with my sweet and warm personality and that meant so much to me. She also gave me the sweetest hug and I swear I fell in love a teensy tiny bit with the woman, because Gods she is just everyone's hype woman and I feel that on a spiritual level!

Then I went to James and he sort of got me stumped, and I don't know how, guess I was hit with his awesomeness all of a sudden.

I got a big hug and he wanted me to sign my rose photo for him and he was just so sweet and there were too many things I had wanted to ask him, but I forgot all of them, because he is just too sweet and kind.

Next I went to Timothy, who looked like he was about done with his day. I asked him if he was okay and he admitted to having had a coughing fit a few minutes before. We talked a tiny bit and he gave me a sweet hug.

I saved Arnas for last that day and my Gods was I not disappointed by what he gave me. I told him he would hate me for what I was going to ask of him, but he was such a good sport about it, telling me knew what this is for. He did his very best and I am actually so enamoured with his handwriting. I adore it.

He gave me a big hug as well and that was a good end of the day.

The next day I had the Marnas shoot I had purchased the day before, first.

I told Mark they had artisic liberty/liscene and they set to work right away. Mark grabbed my pendant, yelling that I was not a real Dane and Arnas jumped right in, knowing that I am indeed a mostly Norse leaning Pagan. That was a lovely little nod to what I had told him in Dortmund, which warmed my heart as well.

Swiftly afterwards I had my OP with Mark and I asked him for a big squeeze. And let me tell you, this man has made up for his loosey goosey hug from Dortmund ten times over. What a squeeze, I adored it!

The photographer had to tell me to lower my shoulder for some reason, but hey, the photo is defo one of my best so far. I am not at all nervous around Mark anymore, after having scolded him, haha.

I had myself a double with Arnas, because I could not choose if I wanted something sweet or something bookspo, so I got myself an extra OP.

First was the sweet one and Arnas offered me his arm and I swear I did not mean to look like I was ready to take my mans home, but here we are.

The bookspo one is the one that really got to me, though.

I asked Arnas to pretend to be angry with me, explaining it was for the book I was writing. And by the Gods did he deliver, shouting 'not this again Tessa, I told you not to do this' or something much like it, grabbing my hand firmly and making an angy Sihtric face. In the moment it was exactly what I needed from him.

Once the photo was shot, he petered off to the side and I was so in my feels that I backhugged him, which made him chuckle and nudge me to go in a gentle way.

After lunch it was time for my Marnas polaroid, my favourite moment of the entire weekend.

I was the first to show up, so I got to be the first in line, before anyone with prio. Sometimes it pays off to be anxious early. I got to see James get his stuff ready and watch Mark and Arnas get themselves amped up. I think they spotted me, because they started to overshout each other.

Mark won.

I sat down between them and Mark asked if I had something in mind, which I obvi did not. So Mark goes 'I am going to look at you very affectionately.' He's set the edge. And Arnas walses his arse right over it with 'I just realised I am madly in love with you.'. HAHAHAHAHAHIMNOTOKAY.

James had left the safety on his camera and it took him like four tries to realise this, but I was happy enough to sit between these two warm men, looking at me like I was the best thing since sliced bread.

Afterwards I got sent two pictures by about all my friends on several insta pages with two different angles from my polaroid. My favourite is on top of the post and the second one is below.

There after I went to Jacob for a signature and got a sweet hug from him as well. I told him I'd whisk him away and adopt him. He said he would not be able to breathe in my luggage though. We had a little laugh together and he was very happy with his gifts.

Ossian was next. Got my hug in, told him I wanted to adopt him and he wrote a very sweet message in my booklet.

He is so adorable.

Later when I was in line for Harry, he came over to Nat for a goodbye hug, which warmed my heart so so so much!

Then I went to Eysteinn, telling his I smelled something about free hugs.

Eysteinn was very gentle and kind and gave me another loosey goosey hug. But I also got the feeling he wasn't fully at ease. I am not sure if that was me or the entire situation.

Next up I went to Christian.

He is such a darling. He loved his afirmation card and we had a lil back and forth about creating your own joy and that he doesn't really agree with carpe diem and is more a crea diem kind of guy.

He gave me a sweet hug and wasn't really good at me telling him he has stunning blue eyes, he made a joke about blaming his parents for it.

Thereafter I lined for up Harry.

I was a few paces behind @charming-merlin who made Harry's fanbook. It was such a well made all round piece of art and I adored Harry's reaction to it, he was so so so happy and so impressed and I have hardly ever seen a man filled with so much awe and delight. All kudo's to her.

Harry tore into my bag of gifts right away, too and I got a big hug as well. He is such a joy to talk to and his hug was real tight.

And off I rushed to Mark.

Mark was already standing on 'my side' of the table, which was great for handing him his gift bag. He loved the Nowalls shirt and the pepernoten.

I got two hugs from Mark. One was for practise and one was for real. He was such a good sport about it and we had a brief little chat. He is genuinly a delight to be around and I just want this man to be my friend!

And last, but not least, of course I had to go to Arnas one more time.

Or ... two times, because I forgot my selfie so I had to line up again like a dumbass, but Arnas was very sweet about it.

I told him a little bit about the inspiration for my book and asked him to write something motivational for when I have writers block. He listened closely, which sort of messed up his writing, but I love it all the more because of that.

I got in a few more hugs and the selfie turned great!

I had an amazing weekend, making new friends and meeting so many lovely people. I laughed and loved so much and I fell in love a little deeper.

Thank you, friends and fabulous people for Paris!

[baronessblixen]

I know people are poo-pooing the podcast with Gillian as being the same as his other ones (it's not. He has 3, 3! Sections for her. 2 are premium listens), but he doesn't have this depth of engagement. Even with Jason, there was a great comfort but still somewhat of not fully letting his guard down to maybe be hurt.

My theory is to embrace these two and support their story so that they know they have the Fandom support and are willing to feed us more. We are a safe community here to embrace you, Gillian and David, and your story with open arms, open hearts, and a willingness to gobble down whatever you feed us for the sake of getting to know the X-File that is the Mulder/Scully to David/Gillian paradox.

Why this convo with Gillian is different other than those 2 having claimed to be BFF at some point:

Case in point: 1. Asking her about the moment she thought their relationship was dysfunctional (his plane story). He didn't know if it was the same one (we didn't get to hear her event), but this opened him up to ANY of their tense fights, BTS events, etc. in which he would have to possibly defend himself if he was made out to be the bad guy.

Point 2: saying that he felt she ditched him. He expressed a feeling of loss OF and BY her. I took it as if he felt rejected by her. A man expressing this emotion, from my experience, is trying to connect with someone in a deep manner to heal personal and intrapersonal pain or ruptures in the relationship. Let's not forget that David is of a generation in which men were taught to be "macho" and tough, but he is sensitive it seems. So, putting this out in permanent podcast world is a foray into showing a "human emotion" that is not necessarily stereotypical for him and of men from the Boomer era. Yeah, he's a poet but it's easier to write than to say. Plus, how often, in all of their interviews, did he express such a deep and personal emotion? I am genuinely asking the last question because I would like to know where I have gaps in my info.

I read that some viewers see this conversation as a "goodbye" and that's fair. It is a closure to the unending question of "why didn't you get along?" They gave us an intimate look into the why and hopefully began to close that discussion part of their past because they did overcome it as fans saw with their closeness at the IWTB red carpets and during the promos for the revival seasons. Personally, I see this conversation as a new beginning for them.

They came back TOGETHER! She could have zoomed. They didn't have to share the drink (I got the impression it was shared. Dammit you 2, release the video!:))

I personally didn't see any poo-pooing. I do agree that it did have a certain depth that may not have been as obvious as in the other episodes; the Jason Beghe one, as I've said previously, came close, though. Might have been different because the friendship is different. That one in particular was very open and vulnerable, too, though.

We really did get three sections - and that really is new. It's like, let's really talk about something substantial on this podcast, and have the rest be a bonus. I felt like they could have talked even more in that bonus content. And THAT is special to me, too.

I'm not sure how much they care about fandom support. I mean they know we wanted this (a lot) and in that way, part of it, was performative. Most of us really are out here with open arms, though, just waiting for them to feed us new content like this. I mean say what you want, but it was heartfelt, and it was fun. No matter what, there is just something between them that makes you want to watch and listen.

I wish Gillian had given an answer on when they were most dysfunctional. I think he really did some soul searching and I just love that. To me, his apology felt honest. I think there's still so much between them that they probably should talk about without an audience (but probably won't).

I was surprised that he said he felt like she was quitting him when she said she was done. I know some people see that as him making everything about himself, but some people only work things out by relating them to themselves. Personally, I find it so profound that he thought she was leaving *him*. And I'm glad it made him reevaluate her feelings when he left the show. I agree with you that this felt like someone trying to heal personal and intrapersonal pain. I don't think they've ever been so openly emotional in interviews before and that's because it was always in the frame of the show and promotion. This podcast was about them (well, and failure - but in relation to each other).

Interesting that people view this is as a goodbye. Fair, sure. We all see things differently and come to different conclusions. I personally don't see it like that. Like you, I see it as a new beginning for them, and I truly hope they will continue the conversation. For me, there was no closure (for us) on why they didn't get along. I mean obviously lack of communication, but I think that's only part of it. They gave us a glimpse and it's on them to close that chapter in private.

Right? They could have zoomed! They obviously wanted to do this in person. I love that for us and them. DD said they were sharing. It was just so sweet. I'm so glad we got this.

[polyamzeal]

I don't know where I'm going with this, I think I just need to get it off my chest.

I'm a woman in a great, loving relationship with a man. However, I am also queer and would love to have more no-strings-attached sex with other women. Like, I'm not looking for a girlfriend or committed partner, but FWB would be nice, you know? Or, like, someone's booty call? That's not an unreasonable thing to want and *be open* with wanting, right?

But it's like, no matter how open I am about the fact that my husband would *not* be part of this (aside from like a quick convo so he can veto it if he's too uncomfortable for any reason), I get yelled at for being a unicorn hunter. I get banned from apps for being a unicorn hunter. I get underhanded insults about unicorn hunters in irl spaces. I get friends not wanting to be friends because I'm a unicorn hunter, even though I never hit on them at all. On top of that (and yes, I'm not a fan of this either, but it is what it is), my husband has a one-penis policy, so I get shamed and ridiculed for wanting to respect my husband's wishes, too. I don't want to be restricted to cis women only and I see how it sucks, but it feels kind of unfair that I get shit for respecting someone else's boundaries.

I guess I just wish people wouldn't act as if I'm trying to set them up with my husband when I'm not. When I'm specifically looking for things I don't get in my relationship and I openly state that aside from just saying hi to him once, they literally do not ever have to even be in the same room again. But nope, all I get is "unicorn hunter kys". The funny thing is that he finds women to sleep with just fine without ever getting these reactions, even when he mentions me. Hell, even when those women meet me, he's never accused of the same thing.

It sucks. I kind of wish my husband could just get over his fear of other people's genitals so I could just exclude cis women since that seems to be the major issue, but it's not fair to demand that he shifts his boundaries for my benefit so here we are. I guess I'm just asking this - am I really doing something reprehensible and unforgivable here? Am I just the perfect example of the cringe space-invading loser in a one-penis policy het relationship giving every polyam person a bad name by wanting to fuck a woman every now and then? Am I the stereotype of everything you shouldn't be? I've given up on all of this already and accepted that my husband gets the adventures and I don't, but I guess I just want a post-mortem on how much I fucked up here.

I swear I already answered this but it is in my inbox and I can't find a record of answer it so I am just going to blame Tumblr.

You are not doing anything wrong. I think the most important thing is just being upfront and honest about what you are looking for. Be clear and direct with people. If they insist on making up their own assumptions and accusations then their loss.

That being said, I do think your husband's OPP is quite troublesome. I don't know if I would phrase it as "respecting his boundary." I feel like a boundary would be more like "He doesn't want you to sleep with other penis-havers so if you do then he withdraws his consent to have sex with you until a week after you stop having sex with other penis-havers" or something like that where you can decide what you want to do and if it is worth it for you but how he reacts is on him. This just sounds more outright like 'rule' rather than a 'boundary'. Perhaps it is all semantics though.

Putting all that aside, I would say just be patient as you try to find woman that understand your situration. And are willing to trust you to work with your needs.

[pretty-chaotic-world]

if my BPD can scream

1. I wish i could have a normal love... but no, my brain wants to worship every little detail of you until it drives me insane

2. sorry i pushed you away i felt abandoned and suicidal 

3. I’m sick of going to bed and knowing things won’t be better tomorrow 

4. I'll ask you thousands times if you really love, please don't get annoyed

5. I'll create "drama" and mishaps only to feel like I'm in home

6. i’m afraid that one day my anger will overshadow the little love i still have left for the world

7. I feel numb. No tears, no anger, nothing. Just going through the same day again and again. I would rather just sleep without waking up.

8. I'm so tired of everytime one small argument or inconvenience breaks out I want to end it and self destruct, it's so draining. 

9. I want to stop feeling anything and when i actually don't it breaks my heart but I can't cry it out.

10. "its all in your head" well duh where tf else is it gonna be??? in my fucking kidneys????

11. I am constantly between wanting people to care about me and wanting them not to so I can hurt myself without feeling guilty 

12. Psychiatrist told me there is no cure for bpd and I've to change myself. Well why cant they just let me die then?

13. Until you live with bpd you'll never know what it's like to be too much and not enough at the same time.

14. i know im constantly too much for everyone but sometimes i just want to be enough for someone

15. if he will leave me, my next diagnosis will be of "sociopath"

16. im so jealous of all the people who see him and touch him and talk to him every single day it should be me me me me 

17. oh I got my hair coloured. why? because I can't hurt myself anymore 

18. "you're so distant" because you can't handle my abandonment issues.

19. My younger self disappoint me a lot. like why were you begging people to stay in your life? ohh no worries I know the answer

20. I wanna throw a plate against the wall, stab a knife through my hand, destroy my laptop with a hammer, smash my door in with an axe and spray graffiti all over the walls of my room 

21. Why shouldn’t I be mad? Why can’t I just be angry and be allowed to feel it? Why can’t I burn everything down?

22. I have to watch my mouth every fucking second to make sure I don't destroy every relation I have coz apparently social life matters!!

23. Isnt it fucked up how he got away with every horrible thing he made me experience and I’m the one who has to live with myself feeling absolutely fucking worthless 

24. I don't deserve food and love. im a horrible person.

25. this is how my eating cycle goes

feeling weak coz i haven't ate anything -> eat -> purge -> feeling guilty after purging -> eat more -> feeling guilty after eating so much -> cry coz you don't know what's happening

26. the diagnosis makes me believe I'm not insane just lil emo ig!! NOOOO YOU'RE INSANE

27. “don’t let it bother u” baby i’m gonna be bothered by this for the next 10 years 

28. if I tell you I love you its equivalent to I can kill someone for you

29. Actually upon further inspection that shit really hurt my feelings 

30. I don't dive into insecurity anymore, i drown in self-loathe

31. i shut up in between group convo coz I know I'll talk invaluable shit and nobody really cares what I say until it's psychology class

32. "if you are fully aware of yourself, why do you keep acting like that?" slapping self awareness on top of bpd only grants the ability to watch yourself self-destruct straight from the vip section thats all it does literally

33. “Where do you see yourself in the future” building a cult for mentally ill people 

34. ofc I've a praise kind i was ignored as a child

35. I'm much better than I was before. you know why coz I don't to air now and don't see monsters walking by side all the time

36. No I don't want to self harm anymore I need to kill that fucking monster

37. Don't mind me, I'm just casually sabotaging all my positive relationships with negative delusions because my life doesn't feel real unless something dramatic and destructive is constantly occurring 

38. i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care (im going to sob my fucking eyes out)

39. “Stop making your disorder your personality” I have a fucking personality disorder for god sake

40. turning my mental illnesses into kinks and calling it the BDSM-5 

41. "destroy something precious while you're in rage" ohh yeaa and then I'll do that again and again 

42. what I hate most about my BPD is the fact that I have started doubting every emotion that I’ve ever felt in my life, whether it’s love, my grief through multiple traumas, or my anger, & it’s so saddening. It has actually led me to start questioning my reality.

43. if I need medication to stay alive, am I really meant to be here?

44. it's either be alone without 75% of my symptoms, or be with someone and display the most horrendous unstable awful version of myself. why do i have to choose between love & happiness or peace & stability?

45. That fucking bpd rage where everyone's voices makes you want to scream and every noise around you makes you want to sh and you're so mad you can almost feel the cuts everywhere 

46. getting worked up to the point of becoming physically ill (throwing up/stomach issues etc) because you felt rejected/abandoned by your favourite person  

47. i wish my trauma made me kind as everyone says but i’m becoming what i fear the most- a monster.

48. imagine getting diagnosed with a personality disorder and the only visible representation of that disorder is an animated horse man, a sociopathic sitcom character from philadelphia, and darth vader

[jovenshires]

💛Smoshblr December Asks Final Day💙

We‘ve done it! We’ve finally reached the end of this lil ask game and also the end of 2023! 🥳 Thank you so much for joining in on this, I truly appreciate it so much 🫶! I wish you a wonderful start into the new year and that all your hopes and dreams for 2024 will come true! ✨💞

But, since the year isn’t quite over yet, I thought this might be a nice time to reminisce a little bit. Therefore, the final question of the Smoshblr December Asks Game:

What are your favourite smosh-related memories of 2023? 💖

(no specific amount required for this one; and you can ofc also include older smosh memories, if you want to 🤗)

oh my god........ im emotional fr. this was so, so, SO much fun and stella, i will speak for EVERYONE you sent these asks to when i say that we are all so grateful to YOU for organizing it. you brought the community together in such an amazing way, asking us thought-provoking and interesting questions, a lot of which i never would have thought to ask. and yet i got to learn all my mutuals' answers anyway!!! it made me feel like i really got to know everyone, even the people im too scared to start a convo with bc i am a Coward. i love you, we all adore you, thank you SO much, and i cant wait to see where smoshblr goes in the new year now that we are all closer than ever <3<3<3<3<3

okay so...... okay okay okay okay HERE we go. im gonna put it under the cut bc this got SO long but if you want a tl;dr summary, please by all means go check out this video i made at the beginning of the month bc. it sums it up tbh.

making all of my amazing friends: i am literally. an emotional wreck just thinking ab this. anyway. i've already been sappy enough this year (from my christmas presents to my many many personal posts and asks that are just. me talking about how much i love these people), but i would still be remiss if i didn't mention my beautiful, wonderful friends. im not gonna tag them all here - it'd be too many and you all know who you are <3<3<3 - but to everyone i've dmed for hours on end, or talked to in replies, or mutuals i've never even spoken to at all, or anons who come into my askbox and just have the most wonderful interactions with me, i am so, so eternally grateful. i made new friends; i reconnected with one of my best friends in the WHOLE world; i met some people who i never would have spoken to otherwise and found such an incredible community. i love you all so so SO much (yes ALL of you even if you think im not talking ab you if you're reading this i AM), and i am so excited to see what happens with all of us next. love you all. mwah. <3

domo day/my birthday: oh my god. OHHHH my god. literally the fic that brought me back to this fandom. i am not crying its fine im FINE. domo - aka dancing on my own - was a passion project from the very start. i thought, 'well, no one will wanna read this niche lil fic that im writing just to deal with My very personal trauma about an rpf ship that no one cares about.' (mind you i started it before i even posted right side, so, like, i literally thought it was just me standing on a deserted island.) and then five or six months later... there we were. i posted it on my birthday (bc i Live for drama !) and god. the amount of love and support i got that day was... everything to me. when i said this was a passion project, i mean that it was truly one of the first things i sat down and wrote For Myself, without giving a fuck what anyone else would think. it was something i poured my heart and soul into because i needed to read it. and when other people started to reach out - telling me how much they related, how much they got from it, how much it meant to them. then there was the analyses of it from everyone,,,, not to mention the birthday love. my birthday is a HUGE thing for me, and, as i told you at the time, you were the very first person to wish me a happy birthday stella (with that incredible moodboard that i think of frequently........ the rat.........). and then kit went and published bad idea and gifted it to ME which was such an incredible and treasured gesture and... truly some of my irls forgot to wish me a happy birthday so. im just so honored and i love you all so much. thank you for loving me and my dearest darling daughter domo <333333

shaynse day: this literally isn't even about me, it's honestly about nat, but this changed my brain chemistry and i think everybody's tbh. it was the way that the MOMENT the love is blind video dropped, we all gathered around my blog to hold hands, sing kumbaya, and all hail the shaynse anon (aka now shaynse founder nat). they had their third eye OPEN. and everyone had to come check on them to make sure they were okay. that meant so much to me. not only did it mean that enough people were reading my blog that an anon had their own niche subset of a fan base, but it was truly like. one of the best displays of fandom togetherness i've ever seen. we were all so united that day. god bless november 19th, aka shaynse day, my FAVORITE national holiday.

gedits: i really Dont think i have to explain this one. this is one of my favorite bits (but also its not really a bit and i genuinely wanna fuck that old man). making thirst traps for garrett? oh my god. stroke of actual genius. once again another day we all came together, held hands, and decided we were ALL gonna be garrett fuckers. long live gedits. they will never stop and im NOT sorry about it.

the bsf fan art: i have literally never had fan art made for my fic before...... i screamed and cried and threw up when someone made fan art for the bed-sharing fic. furry-jackson is my hero and this fan art lives in my mind RENT FUCKING FREE. it truly imprinted itself on my brain and i think about it all the time. thanks so much to them for loving i could be the reason as much as i do <3333

the top ten dynamics poll: !!!!! my baby!!!! i truly thank you all so much for indulging me by voting in that silly lil poll. it was so SO interesting to see the way the dynamics stacked up. not to mention, it also got me into gif-making again!! that was the first time i'd made gifs in ages, especially gifs i was proud of. but i love that silly lil gif series so much, one of my favorite projects of the year, so thank you all <3

smoshblr december asks: i mean. i said it all up top, but it's worth mentioning again. this was so, so, SO much fun, and it must have been such hard work for you, and i am honored that you did all this work for US of all people when you are so busy and talented and working so hard just in like. YOUR LIFE. honestly, this whole section could just be called 'stella,' bc i am so, so grateful for you especially coming into my life this year. whether we're working together on fic or just chatting about our lives or shouting back and forth about why EVERY taylor swift song is in fact a spommy song, i am just so lucky to have you and i love you so, so much. you always tolerate my shenanigans and i am SO incredibly lucky to have you as a friend. anyway. yeah i love you and smoshblr december asks so there.

[starswallowingsea]

For the ask game, uhhhhhhhhmmmmmmm hm. HiMERU

ask game

My first impression

haha rinne's acting real gay with this guy i wonder what their deal is (re: mainstory interactions where himeru says the whole convo was a waste of breath and rinne says what you want me to kiss you to give you that air back?)

My impression now

eternal torment nexus for this one. he's everything to me and i want him to be happy but to be happy is first to suffer and be totally bare to your friends and let them into your life. at least tatsumi pretends to do that.

Favorite thing about that character

i think the way we still know almost nothing about oremeru as a person. odd thing to say about a character but we know his motivations for taking over for his brother and can theorize about some aspects of his "true" self but in reality he's still such a mystery and i want to know more about him. i have high hopes for the new event.

Least favorite thing

uhm. nothing because i think his flaws are also funny as fuck

Favorite line/scene

any time he talks about kaname in his head, wondering what kaname would think and how he's holding a space for kaname. just because the world doesn't remember you doesn't mean that i don't. i'm sorry i couldn't tell you i love you soon enough.

Favorite interaction that character has with another

PASTEL B BROTHERS i'm so excited they canonized an in universe name for him and kohaku. they're so cute together and ohhhh kohaku being not a kaname replacement but oremeru being more emotionally aware of what teenagers want/need out of the adults in their lives and trying to do his best but not wanting to give up his act. the way kohaku said that himeru will softly smile as he helps kohaku with stuff in the main story when they think crazyb is going to be disbanded and how they're all family despite only knowing each other for a short time.

A character that I wish that character would interact with more

another madara answer but partially bc i wonder what he really thinks about double face's activities when they were active. we saw niki's perspective on that but given himeru's past. i do wonder how he would treat madara knowing the full extent of those activities.

Another character from another fandom that reminds me of that character

going to just leave this here. contextless 18trip spoilers.

A headcanon about that character

himeru was in his college's drama club to learn more about acting outside of what the priest taught him for impersonation. he was never quite cut out for the lead but uhm. you haven't seen a3 but i think he'd take on roles similar to what homare does.

A song that reminds of that character

i left you a note by chad lawson it was the season 2 theme for unobscured and it's just instrumentals but it fits him i think. at least the more melancholic aspects of him.

An unpopular opinion about that character

this is more about crazyb in general but the fact that there are still people who think all of them need to be "saved" from rinne is insane. all of them have the ability to just fucking leave. himeru had a solo career before this he can find a new unit if he really wanted to. they're there because they want to be. if you like all of a unit but one member and think they suck then you do not understand that unit's dynamics sorry everyone is in their current units for a reason.

Favorite picture

would it be too cheap to say his newest event card unbloomed. the trip album framed in the background. kaname's hand. what would you do in this situation.

also going to include his card from the souma ts2 scout he looks so nice. and and his unbloomed from the last globalstars campaign

he looks nice in sunsets he should have more sunset cards

[neverheardsilencethisloud]

18th August

Quite time has passed Since our last convo I'm screaming silence You don't pay me a visit in my dreams anymore That's disturbingly rare Because I oftentimes dream of men who made me wonder and daydream about my life with them and they're only side characters, while you're the main.

Clear image of the dream I had on 18th August That was the last time you felt close to me We were sitting on the stairs of old ruined house You played me a song that you wrote about the girl you loved And my heart almost broke my chest at the moment you gave her my name. Was it in the August? I clearly lost track of time No one can blame me, 4 years passed by

I gave you the best version of myself And yet you decided to give me away Went to the market and made a "fair" trade Traded diamond for a lump Rock is rock I can't deny that But even blind man knows diamond's worth

Insomnia is the only thing this love gave me I looked for an explanation Begged God to give me the answer Why the man whom I loved overnight had a change of the hearts and decided to break mine. I swore to ask you if we ever meet again

I had been daydreaming of a tryst When one glare makes a plot twist You'd realise what you did And plead saying you didn't know better, you missed me like crazy, can't live without me I'm the only one with whom forever you want to vouch Please, marry me, God knows you're the one Didn't have wait for too long My dream came true We passed each other on the sidewalk Instead of a glare and proposal you looked at the floor and passed me by like you didn't know who I was

I grew up so much in these 4 years 4 years, do you know how much is that in a days? You would even get tired of counting up to that. More than a thousand wasted days on a con man who tricked me for a love only to get my diamond heart and trade it for some lump

Love at the first sight caused neverending heartbreak I don't want the answer now I can't call you greddy You are shallow man who doesn't respect valuable things, will go down the history as the only one who for the lump gave a precious diamond away.

If all the troops in the world gather, even then they won't have a strenght I did when I decided that you'll only be a past. I can't rewind time But if I could, I would relive thousand days in thousand different ways Only avoiding chances that can lead to meeting you again

You left your tarnished mark, Bruises on my heart You were my muise, the king on my throne and only used your power to make me hate love. After you I understand why people say "Be careful what you wish for, Maybe it'd come true" Now I wish that I never wished you

I'll call this song 18th August Because I don't recall the day Did you felt the closest to me on that day? Doesn't matter Now, it's so insignificant You're only locked part

in the vast of my past

Let's celebrate first week of The Tortured Poets Department.

Taylor, once again inspired me to write.

Hereby, I declare myself a member of tortured poets department

[oonajaeadira]

Hi Adira!

For this round of daily askgasms I’m asking the Inside the Actors Studio questionnaire! Imagine me doing my best James Lipton impression…

* What is your favorite word?

* What is your least favorite word?

* What turns you on?

* What turns you off?

* What is your favorite curse word?

* What sound or noise do you love?

* What sound or noise do you hate?

* What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

* What profession would you not like to do?

* If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

Looking forward to hearing your answers!

Oh Kat, you beauty. Thank you for coming into my inbox and leaving me pressies!!!! Your year of asks is a lot of fun!

My favorite word is clandestine. I actually have a show that leans heavily on it and it never fails to catch the ear.

My least favorite word? Monsieur. I am not fluent in French but I can get by and have not-terrible pronunciation, but I fail at that word every fkn time and it's COMMON.

I'm turned on by a sharp mind and a kind heart. And a hairy chest. Or smooth collarbones. Big hands. Strong arms. A good laugh.

I am not a fan of copycats--dude, just be yourself, not me! And hovering--those folks that stand to the side and wait for you to notice them? Dude, just sit down! Join the convo! You're being more rude by forcing us to acknowledge you and break the flow just to invite you in! And bad hygiene. All I'm asking is that you don't have crust in your ears or in your nails and that you wash your butt. Boys especially need to wash their butt and underballs or I walk.

My favorite curse word is balls. I know it's not really an FCC no-no, but it's what I use most of the time. That and Jesus ass and fkn hell.

I love silence. A nice quiet fall evening? Bliss. But I also love the sound of thunderstorms and crickets in the summer. And a really good meditation chime or a minor-tone windchime. And bagpipes. Bagpipes have good vibrations and induce a drooling trance state.

I'm...a mouth noises person. Mouth noises are the devil. I tolerate it because human bodies have a lot of moisture and it's asking too much not to smack and pop and slurp and swish, but it won't go unnoticed. And I put it in perspective because nothing was as horrid as the thick lapping sound of my last dog licking herself for hours on end. Hence why I started sleeping with earplugs in. Secondly, we have a glass cutting board and the SO is a generous chopper of things and nothing will set off my tinnitus faster than the harsh, repetitive clap of steel on glass.

If I had to swap professions...I'd love to go into art curation. Or theologian. I kind of wish I'd become a librarian. Or just straight up read tarot for a living. I started college as a biology major with a path toward becoming a vet. I'm glad I didn't do that, but if I had, I would have liked being a death doula for pets. I find that honorable and compassionate. I've been thinking about volunteering in hospice for a while now, so maybe someday I'll do that.

There are a million jobs I would never enjoy and they all have to do with money, finances, sports, food processing, cleaning, and the beauty industry.

Heaven has always sounded like a giant bore to me. But an afterlife where all the cool gods hang out? Yes. The thing I'd want most is a look of approval from Anubis. If I die and Anubis is there weighing my heart, all I need is to see that look in his eye that says, "Good job. I'm so proud of you. Welcome home."

Thank you for such interesting asks, friend!!!! <3