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I keep laughing when I think about the scene where Motorcycle!Reader is so small that they don't have their own charging chamber and have to live in someone else's charging chamber because after all they are so small that they don't take up much space.
TFO!Chars/Motorcycle!Reader [hcs]
tw: none, i guess. word count: ~1600 additional tags: gender neutral reader, cybertronian reader, motorcycle!reader. characters included: B-127, Optimus Prime, Elita-One, Megatron, Sentinel Prime.
That is both a curse and a blessing in my opinion, but well, it depends on whom the tiny reader is stuck with 😋
I mean, >B-127 didn't even have his own place to sleep. All the yellow bot had, was a conveyor belt, which I doubt it was really comfortable, haha. Well then, after just ending Sentinel's regime, the ex-cogless group at least have some places to stay.
When Bee found out you'd be living with him for a while, he was overjoyed! First he made many, many new friends, gained the ability to transform, started working for the government, and now...he has a roommate? A real roommate? The one who can open their mouth when 🐝 talks to them? The day couldn't be any better! (Not that Bee wasn't happy with Steve's company...).
To be fair, Bee himself isn't exactly a bad neighbor either. It all very much depends on what kind of personality you have. If you really get along well with him, despite his extremely emotional state, which sometimes seems to never end, then good luck!
Sharing a chamber with him is going to be an absolute challenge. We remember that he talks in his sleep, don't we? And if Shockwave was so sick of Bumblebee in that short time, imagine how you have to recharge, but now all you can hear, instead of the silence you crave, is constant mumbling into your audio receptors.
Sometimes he's just mumbling about what a cool day he had with Optimus or what an intense training session Elita gave him.
Sometimes you notice how his servos only pull you harder against him. For a moment, you'd probably sigh wearily or try to make some space between you until he starts whispering softly about how happy Bee is to have you in his life. He genuinely, really genuinely loves you. After cycles of being alone, he really misses your company. Will you decide to move him away from you nevertheless?
The next morning, surprisingly, he has no memory of what he told you at all.
> Optimus apologizes to you so much when he finds out that now, unfortunately or thankfully (?), they don't have any time or resources at all to build new quarters. The new Prime has so many new responsibilities that he doesn't even know where to start! He has to clean up and fix Sentinel's mistakes, not to mention his divorce with D-16 Megatron, which has caused him a lot of trouble. But that's okay, our favorite Prime has a solution for that!
And as a good, true leader...yes, yes, you will be the one sharing the room. Lucky, huh? Oh, lucky you.
Optimus is actually one of the best candidates to share a chamber. I find that most of the time, he doesn't have much time to go to his room and fall asleep. You often fall asleep alone, only to wake up later...alone. Was he with you? Did he come in at all? In response to this, you sometimes notice him passed out at his desk. You should definitely tell Elita about this to scold him about such a bad habit.
Actually, he'd be happy to share the charging chamber with you. The thing is, he's extremely shy.
When you fall asleep with him, there's just not enough room! Yeah, you're a pretty small bot, he's just so huge. It takes the two of you a long time to finally find the only comfortable solution.
With you on top of Optimus, you can put your helm on his chassis. The soft shimmer of the Matrix of Leadership doesn't bother you at all; if anything, it calms your nerves. All night long, your leader may never move from his position. He's so afraid he might accidentally hit you if he rolls over or decides to stand up...poor Prime, even Megatron didn't set such dangerous traps for him!
The first few nights, Optimus doesn't sleep much. He's nervous; he thinks up to the late night, but in the end, he can't resist you, and you two can get your well-deserved rest.
I think after Prime, the best candidate for your roommate would be >Elita. I like to think she always sleeps in “mom's pose” (if you know what I mean).
She can lie on her back with her servos on her chassis and not move a muscle all night. Other than that, she's a completely silent sleeper. Sometimes, you can stay up late at night; your shared room is unlit, and you don't want to turn on the lights so as not to disturb her. If she finds out you've been out the whole night instead of recharging, she'll kill you!
You swear you didn't even make the slightest creak, and just then, you see those bright blue optics staring at you in the darkness. Without even seeing her face, you know you're in trouble...She has very sharp hearing, unfortunately for you.
Elita isn't the tallest bot; sure, she's still taller than you, but her frame is pretty slim, unlike the others'. She is not the type to cuddle, even if you are extremely close to her. The most you can expect is her servo around your waist or shoulders.
You can tease her about it, but she'll try to deny everything, saying “just don't want you to fall and hit the floor 🙄” of course we all believe you, Elita!
I can see D-16 being a similar type to Optimus, but Megatron is a different story. I have no idea where our young Decepticon leader went with his guards, but at least they have a few cycles to spend building a base, especially one with all the comforts.
Megatron himself is not a fan of sharing, and when he realizes the problem, he doesn't even ask you if you want him to or not. You will share the chamber with him, period. Should you be worried or happy...?
Megatron, especially if we're talking about a young and inexperienced leader who was only recently forced to leave Iacon, is in need of support. He won't show it in front of anyone, not even you. But you know him enough to know what is troubling him.
He is so isolated, betrayed and saddened, he is afraid to open up to anyone else. And yet, he genuinely wishes someone could just hold him.
Megatron rarely sleeps. 24 hours a day, all he has on his mind is what he should do next. It used to be so easy; the mere thought of it makes him grit his teeth. When there was Sentinel, all that was required was to just follow the protocols. Now, with hundreds of high guard members expecting him to do something, he's lost.
At some point, Starscream or Soundwave will remind him of the importance of rest, and without any enthusiasm, he'll join you.
Now, the two of you are extremely awkward.
Of course, you can't tell much from his looks. Is he asleep? Or still lying there with his optics closed? This awkward silence makes you afraid to move. But the truth is, Megatron himself doesn't know what to do. You're so small compared to him; by some miracle, the two of you can fit, but it's so extremely uncomfortable.
Eventually, he can't stand it and just lifts you up to lay you on top of him. Luckily for him, you have no intention of moving away from him. Perhaps you're afraid; maybe you're okay with this change in positions. Either option is fine with him.
He repeats in his head that this is only temporary...when resources become available, you will get your own separate quarters, and you will be able to sleep separately. And yet, he doesn't want that. Your presence around him, for whatever reason, makes him forget his worries for a while, and he can finally rest.
You may disagree with me, but >Sentinel, no matter how sexy man people try to show him to be, would be just a terrible roommate! If he can even be called a roommate? Sometimes, he forgets that you're resting here too, and even if you remind him of that, he'll pretend to “listen” to you, only to forget after a while.
In fact, he could easily order a separate room for you; he's got plenty of them in his tower, but he's like.... no. He wants you around just because he can. There's no other reason.
I think he's more or less tolerable at first? He likes to keep something small next to him; imagine it like the cybertronian equivalent of plush toys, but only that toy is you. And it seems he may see you as such.
Every night, he can grab you at any time he wants and hold you against him. One time he just held you by his side; another time he decided to put his servo around you; tonight he wanted you on his chassis! The worst part is that his berth is quite spacious. And you can lie on the very far side, only for him to snatch you whenever he wants. Not very funny.
Recharging with him is pretty uncomfortable because those damn wings keep hitting you in the face every night. He's a pretty big bot on his own, and his wings are another big nuisance. Of course, he's not that terrible. Still, his room is very large, and you're probably very cozy, but Sentinel...sigh.
It's funny, but I like to think of him mumbling in his sleep too. Only this time all you can hear from him is about how often he praises himself. Wow.
#transformers x reader#transformers one x reader#bumblebee x reader#optimus prime x reader#megatron x reader#elita one x reader#sentinel prime x reader
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michelle's buddie fic recs: week 51!
almost the last fic rec list of the year, can you believe it? like last week, i haven't cross-referenced this list with previous ones, so apologies for any potential double recs!
this is a mix of fics with all ratings, so some include NSFW content. please take a look at both the ratings and the fic tags before reading! some might also contain spoilers for season 8.
if you come across something you like in this list, remember to show some love to the author by leaving kudos and a comment!
before the night fades | MilenaDaniels/@milenadaniels| 8.6k | T
EddieAna and BuckTaylor double date and it ruins everyone's night. this fic is one of my favourite outsider povs ever! it does such a wonderful job of capturing our 911 characters as well as fleshing out a lovely cast of ocs <3
chicken alfredo | EiraLloyd/@unlifeira | 4.6k | T
when Helena laughs at the idea that her son is now able to cook well, Buck ropes Eddie into proving her otherwise. this captures the buddie dynamic so so well <3 also made me hungry lol
do you want me (or do you want me dead) | carpediaz/@sofa-king-lame | 2.3k | T
The one where Buck finds out Eddie wears reading glasses and loses his fucking mind over them, and Eddie knows exactly what he's doing. eddie in reading glasses is a VISION holy shit buck is so relatable in this. i love the silly fun!!
emails i can't send | heartbeatdiaz/@lonelychicago | 6k | T
buck should've known better than to let his email account open and then give his computer to a toddler to play with. i love love love the formatting of this one, with the emails and everything <3 so so good!! they're just french angelfish <3
i took a little journey to the unknown | 42hrb/@exhuastedpigeon | 4.3k | T
“I-it’s okay, you don’t have to talk,” Buck says and the comforting warmth is back on Eddie’s hand. The only thought that rings clearly through his head is that Buck’s hand is safe. Buck is going to keep him safe. “Just - can you squeeze my hand if you’re awake?” this is just such a lovely fic. i love the character study elements and the hand holding and just <3
in the dark (with the stars) | tawaifeddiediaz/@aashiqeddiediaz | 13k | M
Eddie’s relationship with food, anxiety and cooking, as told through the past and present. eddie's relationship with food in both canon and fanon is absolutely fascinating to me. i loved this take on it so much <3
last first kiss | songbvrd/@songbvrd | 3.4k | GA
Buck tries to say goodbye. Eddie isn't ready. frankly i think the best promo i can give this fic is exactly what i said in my comment here, which is "tim minear better be taking notes" because wow it's just that good <3
lucky boy | serenelystrange/@serenelystrange | 1.9k | T
In which Buck and Eddie are so bad at being in a secret relationship, but instead of show-typical angst, fluff! secret relationship buddie, the gift that keeps on giving <3 exactly the fic i needed on a cold early bus ride this week!!
platonic co-parents don't kiss like we do | thelikesofus/@thelikesofus | 7.1k | M
5 times other people see Buck and Eddie kiss + 1 time they really mean it. i love love love all these different types of kisses <3 the loveliest buddie fic from the perspective of the firefam!!
take what the water gave me | Daisies_and_Briars/@cal-daisies-and-briars | 20.7k | M
New transfer to the 118, Eddie Diaz, has a secret. And upon getting to know his coworker, Buck, who is also hiding something, he begins to suspect their secret is the same. He's wrong. i've been devouring every little snippet of this fic i've seen on tumblr and i was so so excited to see the full thing land in my inbox! and wow did it not disappoint. such great worldbuilding and such a fantastic characterisation of eddie <3
the bunkroom fic | exvichan | 11.5k | T
The Station 118 bunkroom has witnessed a lot over the years. Private conversations, spats, occasions of affection, joy, and anguish. It’s seen pranks, and games, and camaraderie. It’s even been privy to an unfolding love story or two. It holds the memory of each of these moments. the 118 bunkroom my beloved <3 i love these little moments so much, especially the conversations between the firefam!!
the wayward son | brewrosemilk/@gayhoediaz | 56.9k | E
Eddie misses his son, grows a mustache, pines after his best friend, and becomes a regular at a gay sex club. That last part is either an indulgence or an inevitable, somewhat self-destructive conclusion to several decades worth of compulsory heterosexuality and catholic guilt. Don’t ask him which. i can't even capture the vibe of this fic in just a few lines but holy shit is it brilliant. the most incredibly writing, great characterisation, and also just very hot stuff. an immediate bookmark and new favourite!
#haven't been on here a ton so i'm super behind on tags and such#but i wanted to dip back in for this rec list#and hopefully a new fic chapter tonight <3#i'll be properly back as soon as life calms down#so i'll see yall soon hehe#buddie#buddie fic#buddie fic rec#911 abc#911 fic#911 fic rec#michelle’s recs#fic rec list
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My 𝐓𝐨𝐩 24 𝐒𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐞𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐭𝐬 from 2024🎉
I was kindly tagged by @surelysims/@theplottdump to share my favourite screenshots of 2024, so let's go and buckle up!
Oh, and before I forget, I'll tag: @elderwisp, @bunnithechubs, @acuar-io, @hauntedtrait, @elderberries-and-honey
@whyeverr, @irrewilderer, @neishroom, @nyssasims and @cheapeazzze &
@thebramblewood (don't feel pressured to do this btw & take your time, if you were already tagged, sorry!)
Midcentury Modern Madness, as I call it. Once you've got it, you'll keep it and feel the itch to build another Midcentury build every once in a while.
Ah, the duality of a woman -> that was when I created Griselda Oreolo, an ancient vampire for @thebramblewood's story and thought It'd be cool to tell her origin story, which I did... except for adding the really cool epilogue that I had in mind. It's on the list for 2025.
Ah yes, another woman with two sides (is that a pattern?). @acuar-io asked for outlaws, and I (hopefully) delivered. I was initially thinking I could do some sort of historical gameplay/story with her, but then I remembered what I'd have to build for that kind of story, and I quickly gave up.
You don't see me very often doing gameplay and if I do, I rarely post about it on the blog; but I'm still doing the 'have as many babies until elderly challenge' (NOT the 100 baby challenge, okay!). My opponent? @simsofstrawberryhill who sadly lost all of her progress. Does that mean I already won? Probably! Will I continue playing? Yes. Because as exhausting as it is, it's also the most ridiculous gameplay I ever had.
Aeons ago (2023) I started a story with Venessa Jeong as my main character, I still took lots of screenshots for story posts that never saw the light of day in 2024, but hey not all hope is lost, we might get somewhere in 2025.
Ah, the Simblr Met Gala, that I obviously needed to go to with no other than Venessa. I still love the shots I took and I can't wait until next year.
One of the few men I put in situations this year, although he was way more present in @bunnithechubs bachelorette challenge, which he obviously didn't win, I mean who could go against the hunk of a man that Darius (by @rasoyas) is?? Yeah, no one. Would you believe he's currently living in that Christmas house I posted about 2 days ago... I can smell a story brewing, but it has to wait until next year!
...Now for some aesthetic screenshots of some interior I really loved doing this year. More to come next year!
Truly a Christmas miracle - I finally had another opportunity to show this lovely couple, André and Prisha!
And that's a wrap with my favourite Christmas couple! Enjoy your holidays everyone <3
#hopefully I included 24 screenshots haha#top 24 screenshots of 2024#this is a long post!#sorry everyone#I am sososo proud of all the interior I did this year#not so proud of my abandoned gameplay&stories but we're getting there!
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Day 18: a fic that makes you laugh
📚 The Superfluous Man by peu_a_peu
🎧 by @sweaters_in_the_summer, 2.5h
Draco/Harry, 24k, E
Summary:
A child for Harry Potter is a miracle of magic. And it's the second act of Draco Malfoy's sorry little life.
This fic is absolutely unhinged in the best way there is. It was written for this year’s @hd-tarot. It’s actually been recorded as a podfic BEFORE THE REVEAL, which made it a super interesting experience to try to put 2 and 2 together and figure out the author. And it was my first time correctly guessing the anonymous work’s author! I was pretty proud of myself, I have to admit :D However, it was a bit easier for me because I was getting to know peu_a_peu’s classic Rookie Moves via SITS’ podfic. The flow of the narrative, the story structure and, which was the biggest tell – the humour, were so splendidly narrated! And when I started listening to the podfic I just thought of Draco and Harry in Paris being ridiculous 😂
The whole series of Twenty Cards has some excellent comedic moments. And then there is our The Superfluous Man. In which Harry gets pregnant with Draco’s baby. With a twist – they didn’t have sex xd *it’s magic* Then, understandably, Draco is a panicked father-to-be who travels to outlandish places with Luna Lovegood to gather some crazy ingredients for a nutty potion.
And it only gets curiouser as it goes on! I absolutely loved listening to the story unfold! As you know I listen to a lot of podfics, and lots of it while in public transportation. Well, the problem with this fic was that I could only listen to it at home because I would HOOT from laughter in regular intervals and was getting real suspicious looks on the train xd
Just have a look at names of parenting guide books Hermione is researching:
Male Mothering: The XY How-To What to Expect When You’re Exceptional The Carrying Wizard Accio Village! Potioneer’s Guide to Conception and Gestation Vol. 2
Tag yourself, I’m Team #AccioVillage! 💜😂
Thank you for the delightful prompt @hprecfest and see you tomorrow!
Ps. Remember when I said „see you tomorrow” 3 days ago? Xd Well, fingers crossed it works this time
Hilarious quotes under the cut <3 I had to limit myself to first chapter only, it was simply too much ^^
Choosing not to participate was not the same as failing, Draco decided. “We don’t all hit the ceiling when Potter says Leviosa. In fact it’s possible to build a life that doesn’t even revolve around him. Probably not for you two, but I’m sure being an adult sidekick has its rewards.” “Merlin, listen to him,” Weasley said, not to Draco but to Granger. “Did we step through a Floo or a Time-Turner?” “As if, Ron, look at him,” said Granger, who was not exactly a nubile eighteen-year-old herself, thanks. “Can we please go? If Lucius and Narcissa come in here, I think I’ll scream.” Draco slipped his heel into his shoe and stood. “Am I being kidnapped?” “Dunno, are you a kid?” Weasley said. “Harry’s at ours,” Granger said, as they bullied Draco to the Floo. “Say, ‘Pig’s Nest.’”
I honestly don't know what is funnier, Draco's "We don’t all hit the ceiling when Potter says Leviosa", " I’m sure being an adult sidekick has its rewards" or Granger-Weasley house being called "Pig's Nest" 🐖🏡
“WHO are YOU?” bellowed the presumable Hugo. “Where’s Potter?” Draco demanded. He looked behind him at the fireplace, which was glacially slow in bringing forth this person’s parents. “HARRY is PREGNANT!” screamed Hugo. “Shut up, Hugo!” said another child, a girl and slightly older, clearly of the same stock. “Harry, Hugo told a man you’re pregnant!” “What man?” said Harry Potter, who followed the girl into the room. “Finally. D’you not get owl post or what?”
Rose is such a big sister in this one, IMMEDIATELLY telling on Hugo xd
“Now that I’ve met your charming progeny,” Draco said, “and seen your charming home, would anyone like to tell me what the fuck is going on?” “SWEARING!” said the children, from some distance. “ALL THE WAY OUTSIDE, PLEASE,” Granger said. “Hugo already told you,” Potter said. “I’m pregnant.”
All the way outside 😂 Kids love finding those little openings in direct requests like going just "outside" of the room instead of going outside-outside xd
„Art, though,” Weasley said, shrugging. “And you know what about art,” Draco snapped, not continuing: you slackjawed ginger yokel? You stupid, unfortunate hanger-on? Who should be absolutely fucking anywhere else on earth at this moment? Or perhaps not on this earth at all? “I’m an artist, mate. I’m chief dreamweaver for Tri-Dub,” Weasley said, impenetrably.
Draco, what even are those words 😂😂😂
#hprecfest2024#hprecfest#honestly listening to this one when in bad mood works wonders#highly recommended#drarry#drarry fic rec
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In The Dark Part 2
The Jackal x Reader
Fandom: The Day of The Jackal
Word Count: 3.4k
Summary: You finally make it to Munich.
Warnings: Mentions of murder and dead bodies, threats, stalking, just the usual assassin stuff.
A/N: I know it took me some time. Enjoy the second part :) Feedback is most appreciated, as well as any mistakes you see <3
Tag: @spiderstyles04 tagged as requested <3
Your eyes shot open as the alarm on your nightstand rang loudly. With a heavy sigh, you tapped your phone to stop the ringing and rubbed your eyes as you stretched under the covers of your warm bedsheets. It took you five seconds to remember why on earth you set that alarm in the first place. Today is the first day of juggling full-time pub work and helping a criminal impersonate some German janitor to do whatever he needed. You certainly didn't want to know more than is necessary for two simple reasons- in case you ever get taken by police, the less you know, the better, and because you weren't sure how well you would cope with the fact that you possibly helped someone in murder.
Your feet touched the cold floor, and you walked to a chair by your desk with more clothes on it than in your wardrobe. You put on a sweater from the pile of clothes and walked to the bathroom. As you were sitting on the toilet, your mind started to replay last night's events. You were surprised at how calm you were; it was actually concerning. 'Wow, my moral compass is so off', you thought as you wiped yourself and stood up. While washing your hands, you suddenly remembered something from yesterday that had escaped your memory. You opened the drawer under the sink and saw the nail scissors still missing; the corners of your mouth moved slightly upwards. You made your way to the kitchen and found the piece of paper with the phone number the man gave you yesterday. You debated whether to text him or not ' I mean, the guy has a gun and knows all your personal details, but at the same time, I do have some questions.'
You bit your bottom lid as you finally decided to pick up your phone. You typed in the number and texted;
"Do I keep the receipts?" you asked, putting down your phone as you wanted to start your breakfast. You hadn't expected him to reply within five seconds. 'Does he not have a life?' you thought with a frown.
''Yes''
''Do I use only cash, or can I use my card?''
''Cash''
''Do you have any allergies? The prosthetic glue sometimes causes a rash:/''
'Fuck', You scolded yourself. You were one of these people who use emojis religiously, so your muscle memory just put it in the message. 'Fucking hell (Y/N), it is a random man who hired you to help him commit international crimes, and you threw in a frowning emoji'.
''No allergies, cash only, go to only bigger stores where it's relatively anonymous, try to blend in, lie if someone asks what it's for. Anything else?'
You felt the passive aggressiveness radiating from the message, but you just couldn't help yourself. There was something so satisfying about annoying this man.
''You didn't give me back my nail scissors.''
He didn't reply immediately, like with the rest of the messages, and honestly, you thought he would just ignore you. You put down your phone and turned on the kettle on your kitchen counter. You heard the notification sound of your phone. You almost sprinted to the phone.
''I will add 5��£ to the overall payment'' You smiled. 'Don't do it, don't do it, don't do it' You lost the battle with your self-restraint.
''But the good ones cost 10 £.''
''You remember I have a gun, right? Do not text or call this number unless it is important, or you will make it from Germany in a body bag. Now delete all the texts.''
'Fine', you thought to yourself as you put down your phone and got ready for your day.
Your shoulder started to hurt from all the supplies in your bag. 'Now I understand the need for backpacks'. Since you haven't seen his face, you weren't really sure what colours of foundations and powders to buy, so you got a few just in case. After all, your life pretty much depends on how well you execute this. As you passed through Vauxhall to get to Waterloo, you glanced at MI6 headquarters and wondered how much they didn't know. I mean, here you are on the pavement across the river carrying supplies necessary for international crime. 'Is it really that easy?' you thought to yourself.
The rest of the week passed by really quickly. If you weren't working, you were working on the prosthetic; if you weren't working on the prosthetic, you were trying to sleep, eat, get groceries or clean the house. Your back was killing you from being constantly hunched over your desk. 'I have absolutely no idea how single mothers exist.' you thought as you tried to stretch in your chair. The whole face prosthetic was done, as well as the wig; you were just finishing up the facial hair when you heard the knock on the door. You weren't expecting anyone, and you didn't order anything. A wave of uneasiness washed over you. You grabbed a scalpel from the desk you used to cut through fake skin and hid it behind your back. You approached the door and looked through the peephole. A delivery man was standing on the other side holding a bouquet of flowers. Now you were nervous; your love life was non-existent, so there wasn't a single person who could send you those. You opened a door hesitantly; you half expected the man to pull out a knife or barge in through the apartment. Instead, he just smiled and asked,'' Miss (Y/L/N)?''
You stuttered ''Y-yes''.
"These are for you." He handed you a bouquet of flowers and an envelope. At first, you simply stared at him, still expecting him to pull out a weapon, but he didn't. You extended your arm and slowly grabbed the flowers and the envelope. You felt sorry for the delivery man. He looked so confused. You looked like grabbing those flowers was a life sentence, and your heavy breathing certainly didn't help.
''Um, have a nice day,'' he said hesitantly and left.
''You too!'' You said a bit too loudly as he was almost out of your sight.
You closed the door and locked it. Making your way to the kitchen, you set the flowers on the counter and opened the envelope.
IN Saturday 19th of April 19.25 RyanAir Stansted-Munich.
OUT Sunday 20th of April 22.45 RyanAir Munich-Stansted.
Premier Inn Munchen Messe Hotel Munchener Str.
Use your card; put everything necessary in the check-in bag. When you get to the hotel, send a text message. You will receive further instructions once you arrive. Don't do anything stupid, or these will be your funeral flowers.
You pulled out your phone and booked all flights and the hotel as the note instructed. The hotel itself was on the outskirts of Munich. You knew you would have to call in sick tomorrow to make this flight. Once all the bookings were confirmed, you ripped the note and flushed it down the toilet. While making your way to the desk, your eyes fell on the flowers you left on the counter. Your lips twitched upwards as you approached them. They were really beautiful. You filled a vase with water and smelled the bouquet before putting it in the glass. You moved them to the living room so they could get some sunlight. You were determined to keep them alive as long as possible. You let out a laugh as you realised that the first flowers you have ever received from a man were from a criminal who attached a note with a death threat. You made your way to the bedroom and finished the prosthetic for tomorrow. As you were packing and preparing, a shadow of a smile still danced on your lips.
The flight was as stressful as you thought it would be. You were sure you looked suspicious because every few seconds, you looked around, scouting the airport for security and police. You tried telling yourself that you had absolutely nothing illegal in the suitcase, which was true after all. Make-up artists travel daily with tons of stuff like yours and don't get stopped by border control. You finally reached the hotel, paid the taxi driver, and entered the Premier Inn. You approached the lady at reception, who smiled at you.
''Hi, I have a booking for (Y/N) (Y/L/N), 1 night'' You tried to calm your nerves and keep a relatively neutral face as you handed her your passport.
"Of course," she replied and started clicking on her computer. "Right, here is your key and a letter from your fiance."
You grabbed both items as well as your passport, to be honest; after the flowers, you expected him to pull some shit like this. 'What a psychopath, he really is enjoying this, isn't he? At least now I know he won't break into my room at night.'
''Thank you,'' you replied to the receptionist and made your way to the room. You only wanted to shower and eat, but you knew the envelope was a priority.
You left your bag on the floor, took off your jacket and left it on a chair. Leaning against the desk, you opened the letter.
16.00 Ludwig-Thomas-StraSe 27: The doors downstairs and upstairs will be open. Do not knock; just come in. Wear something with a hood, and make sure your hair isn't visible. Take everything with you; you will go straight to the airport.
Walk, do not use public transport. And try not to look suspicious; you already did a shit job at that at the airport.
''What the actual fuck?'' you actually said it out loud. Was he actually following you at the airport? You shook your head and exhaled deeply. ''This is a fucking joke''. You let out a dry laugh and decided to have a shower and sleep. A realisation hit you as you stood in a bathroom, about to undress. What if he had cameras in your room? A part of you- the logical part- wouldn't be surprised if he had cameras here and in your apartment. But the other part -the weird, unhinged, delusional part- tells you he isn't that type of guy. ''Jesus Christ (Y/N), you don't know that man,'' you scolded yourself and got undressed. It was a very brief and quick shower. Once you got into bed, you closed your eyes and tried to go to sleep. Fifteen minutes into your failed attempts at falling asleep, a phone rang; you immediately recognised the number, and your heart stopped. You accepted the call and said shakingly. ''Y-Yes?''
"Didn't you forget something?" You almost forgot how he sounded. It's been over a week, after all. His voice was calm and smooth, with a British accent dominating his pronunciation. You mentally checked everything you brought with you, nothing coming to your mi- ''Fuck I am so sorry, I forgot to text you when I got here,'' You said quickly.
''I need to know you are making your locations on time; I won't always have a way to track your phone.''
'Oh my God, ' you thought. So, this isn't a one-time thing.
"Um, yeah, that's fair. I have a question, though, and it is rather important," you said, trying to sound confident but failing miserably.
''Make it quick; I don't have time.''
''That's what she said,'' you whispered timidly, immediately regretting the words as they left your mouth. 'That's it. He is gonna hang up now; great fucking job (Y/N).'
Instead, you heard a chuckle on the other end of the phone. You suddenly felt proud of yourself, and involuntarily, your mouth formed into a smile.
''What's the question (Y/N)'' He said in much lighter tone. You felt a bit more confident now, knowing that he actually found you funny.
''Do you have any cameras in my apartment or the hotel room?''
You could almost hear the confusion in his voice ''No.''
''Okay, that's good, yeah, okay,'' you exhaled, and a silence followed.
''Anything else?''
Once again, you lost the inner battle with your self-restraint and grinned as you tried to put in your most seductive voice.
"So," you said, taking a pause. "What are you wearing?" You honestly thought he had just hung up. After about ten seconds, as you were about to check the phone screen, he simply replied, "Good night (Y/N)."
Little did you know, a smile adorned his face as he hung up the phone. A smile that hasn't visited his face in years.
The next day, you checked out of the hotel at 11 in the morning and made your way to a cafe. You had 5 hours before you had to be at the location given to you. You tried to focus on a book you took with you, but after rereading the same page four times, you gave up. You ate your food and drank your coffee before going for a little walk. You really needed to calm down. Munich was much warmer than you thought, you decided to see the city centre rather than sit in one cafe for 5 hours. As it was getting closer to 4 pm, you started to make your way to the address. You followed Google Maps as you saw the right flat complex. The man didn't lie; the doors were open downstairs. You made your way up the stairs, looking for number 27. Your heart started racing as you stood in front of it. 'Just go in. You are wasting time.' You stood outside for the next two minutes before reaching the door handle. You opened the door and stepped into the hallway; you were immediately met with a familiar face you saw 10 days ago; however, this time... it wasn't in the dark.
You knew already he was tall; his face perfectly reflected his usual voice, emotionless, graceful, calculated and confident. Freckles were scattered across his clear skin, and his ginger hair was messy, but somehow, it fit him perfectly. His green eyes were focused on yours. He was leaning against a wall with his arms folded. You closed the door behind me, not sure what to say. He beat you to the greetings.
''Lingering outside someone's door for 3 minutes is rather suspicious, don't you think?'' His eyebrows raised as the sentence left his mouth.
You just stared at him, ''Yeah, um, yeah, it is, and you told me not to be suspicious.''
'Yes, I did'' He said seriously.
You tried your best to lighten the mood ''Soooo, do I get the house tour?''
''No, the bathroom is on the left. Go there and don't leave; set up everything you need.''
''What, is there like a body in here?'' You said jokingly and chuckled. You looked up at him to see his reaction. He just looked at you with a specific look that answered your question.
''Ohhh, okay''. You swallowed and made your way to the bathroom.
'Don't panic, don't panic, don't panic'.
The bathroom was small and didn't have much counter space. There was a chair and a stool. You opened your bag and set all prosthetics and the wig onto the sink counter; all make-up brushes, palettes, foundations, and powders were left on the chair. You turned around to grab a towel behind you when you were met with a familiar build. You gasped loudly, startled. How could he move so quietly?
"You can sit down if you want." He didn't reply; he simply took his place in a chair and looked at you expectingly.
It felt weird. Being cramped with a killer in a tiny bathroom, you wondered if the body lying somewhere in the house belonged to the man you would help him look like.
You began examining his face, your eyes tracing every curve of his face. His eyes never left yours; you guess he still doesn't trust you enough to be this close to you with his eyes closed.
"Your face has a rather unusual structure," your voice hitched as you realised how it sounded. "It's not an insult, just," you exhaled. ''Your eyes, sockets, and cheekbones are very hollow, but your lips are full. I will need to add some extra padding to make it look believable."Your hands were slightly shaking as you waited for his answer.
''Just do what you must. Be done by 8.30.''
You nodded.
His skin was unbelievably smooth, and his eyes still hadn't left yours, examining your every move. As you were working, you tried to explain everything you were doing. However, with the lack of his replies, you felt like you were just conversing with yourself instead.
After two hours of silence from his side, you opened your mouth but hesitated to say the sentence you wanted.
''Did you know that red hair and green eyes occur in only 0.14% of people on the planet?'' Once again, you expected silence, but he replied simply ''Yes''. Well, it's better than silence.
''How did you know?'' You asked, trying to hold the conversation.
''How did you?'' You sighed.
''I asked first.'' It was a childish answer, but a small smile played on your lips.
''My friend told me years ago,'' He said hesitantly.
''That's nice; I learned that in school during make-up classes in my first year,'' you replied calmly, suddenly feeling at ease.
''Did you like them?''
You were taken aback by his question. ''The classes?'' Still in disbelief, he showed interest.
He simply nodded.
''I did; I always found it relaxing; it's like painting or drawing for other people.''
You decided to take advantage of his sudden talkativeness.
''I probably need a name for you, a fake one. I really don't mind; I just can't refer to you in my mind as 'him'.
His lips twitched, and he said, '' And just how often do you refer to me in your mind?'' You stopped all your movement and averted your eyes from his wig hairline you were just fixing to look at into eyes.
You opened your mouth in shock and said lightly, chuckling, ''Did you just make a flirtatious joke?''
''Don't get used to it,'' He said as you added finishing touches to his appearance. His whole demeanour is changed. He seems more relaxed, and his eyes don't seem so controlling. He also didn't flinch every time you touched his face without warning.
''Let's go with Charles.''
You hummed ''Fine by me,''
''Right, all done.'' You said proudly as you stepped back, allowing him to stand up and examine your work in the mirror. You personally thought you had outdone yourself. Maybe the overhanging thought of death if you fuck up had something to do with it, or perhaps you are just that good.
''This is incredible,'' he said, not taking his eyes off his reflection.
Somehow, his praise meant more to you than any compliment you've ever heard from your teachers. 'Yeah, because whether you live or die depends on this,' you explained to yourself, not even allowing yourself to think of any other reason.
''You have a plane to catch; you should go,'' He said, finally averting his eyes from the mirror towards you.
''Yeah, you are right, I'm just gonna pack up. Um, here is a glue dissolver and a brush. Don't rip it, or your face will flare up; ginger people have a lower impact tolerance, so um yeah,'' You said, trying to hold eye contact, but halfway through the sentence, you lost confidence. You simply handed him the bottle and started packing your things. As you were about to grab the door handle, you turned towards him. He was leaning on the same spot on the wall as when you walked in, and you stood in the same place as before. Except this time, the man looked nothing like himself.
''I will transfer the money tomorrow,'' he said once again emotionless.
''Okay'' As you grabbed the handle, you smiled and turned back to him. ''I just want to let you know that I had so many urges to say ginger jokes today, but I didn't, and I think you should know that and appreciate it.''
He stood there like a statue, motionless. After a few seconds, he smiled and walked away.
''Just go home (Y/N).''
You high-fived yourself mentally. Annoying this man was fun, but seeing him smile is even better.
You left the apartment smiling, not worrying about looking suspicious.
#the day of the jackal fanfiction#the day of the jackal x reader#the jackal x reader#the day of the jackal
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Fuck it Friday
I was tagged by the awesome @autisticbucktommy !! So here's a snippet of ch. 3 of Little Blobs, which should be posted later today if I don't run into any trouble like yesterday (I literally got caught outside in a thunderstorm y'all 🤡).
Anyway, here's a little snippet of it, I hope you like it! I had a lot of fun writing from Maddie's POV, I've never done it before!
Have a great Friday! 💖
Maddie is pretty sure something’s up with Buck. She’s known him since the day he was born, and she’s always able to tell when her brother’s mind is going a mile a minute. She remembers him being like that when he had his first crush in middle school, when he got kicked out of college, when he started dating Tommy. It's a nervous energy that he barely manages to contain, and it's like it buzzes from him.
It's unusual, though, for Maddie not to know what it's about; Buck usually tells her everything. But she won't pry; as difficult as it is for Maddie to accept it, she knows Buck's an adult and has his own way of dealing with things. When he wants to tell her, he will.
“So, are you sure you're free for the barbecue next Saturday?” He asks her for what has to be the fourth time since he arrived at her place for brunch. Maddie is finding his anxiety amusing, if a little confusing.
“Yes, Buck, I'm sure” She says with a chuckle, and then frowns slightly at him. “You really want everyone to be there, huh? Is there a reason for it?”
Buck widens his eyes, his cheeks blushing, and that alone tells Maddie that yes, there's something he's not telling her about this barbecue.
“No!” He denies way too quickly, deliberately not looking at her. “It's just… it's been a while since we got everyone together, that's all”
He's not wrong; it's one the disadvantages of having a family made up of first responders who work three different places. In fact, Maddie doesn’t really remember the last time they managed to get everyone together; she thinks she was still pregnant with Kevin, and her son is four months already.
But Maddie knows this isn’t the whole truth behind Buck’s urgency, and it’s killing her that she’ll probably have to wait another ten days to find out.
“Alright”, she pretends to buy it for now, and that’s when her oven timer goes off. Maddie smiles excitedly, squeezing his arm. “Make yourself comfortable, I have a surprise in the kitchen for you”
Np tagging @bidisasterevankinard @typicalopposite @unhingedangstaddict @silversky9 @laundryandtaxesworld @perfectlysunny02 and whoever else wants to join! 💖
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"Don't enjoy this private screening, this one doesn't have a meaning"
#I'm done I can finally work on OTHER STUFF#like character references/renders#view monster#lemon demon#neil cicierega#garrett bryer ncu#spencer neuman ncu#bethany fischer ncu#dr pascual rivera ncu#← i don't remember if he has a tag but he has one now!
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for something as trivial and simple those feelings sure are hard to get rid of
also made a gif a version for fun + alt version with no tears under the cut
the gif is in very low resolution...this is a feature (i could make it bigger but that would require saving each frame individually and than glueing it all together. also i feel like low resolution suits it better. aesthetically and fits the mood)
#hs#homestuck#dirk strider#eye strain#probably? if you think i should tag something else let me know!!#anyway hooray its time for rambling in the tags#so uhhh heres the teæ i've been sick for like a week and you know how it is when suddenly your throat becomes the main gunk warehouse#and you can't breathe lol. wish i could just pull it out. anywaaayy this is basically a vent piece for me being sick lol#also i could draw remotively the same thing with kris deltarune. oh how easy it is to project having a cold#though i have been also experiencing troubles with feelings recently as well....how fitting for dirk#speaking of the man himself (enough of me) his relationship with his own Heart...is peculiar to say the least#the thing i love about alphakids is that despite being so feral they were. so relatable. i cannot stress this enough how unwell they are an#and how they represented being a teen so well. yeah being 15 years old makes that to you#imagine being an emotional mess and trying to fit the 'norm' and act normal about your friends so youre not offputting#and then you fall in love with you friend and your ai clone falls in love with him too looool noone makes out of this one alive#uhh literally. godtiering stuff and dying remember#and speaking of it. tw for suicidal talk for the rest of tags#do you ever think dirk was suicidal. of course the part of when he teleports his head to jake was totally planned and he knew he would ->#wake up as dreamself but. don't you think the moment he cut his head off was sort of. cathartic. how much did he hate his own guts#beheading himself not only for the plan...but also because he thought he 'deserved' it#also wow he is a Prince and was literally beheaded don't you think its funny hahaa#sigh poor thing#this has ended on a not the very pleasant note hm#also fckkkkkk i didn't draw anything with rose/mary for the lesbian visabilty week#(putting the slash because tumblr search system has a dumb gag with showing you posts that contain the tag inside the other tag.#and i don't want this post to show up for the ros/mary fans because it's not!!!! its rose's father emotional crisis post!!!!)#update YOOOO WHAT THE HELL THE GIF HAS EVEN LESS PIXELS THEN I PLANNED fantastic#this your breakfast now tumblr. enjoy your crunchy flakes of dirks meltdown. mwah
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What led to this (orufrey comic, cw an uncomfortable/creepy scene)
#witch hat tag#orufrey#er.... i'm too tired to have anything to say..i worked several days on this.#wait.. didn't i say just recently here that i probably wouldn't ever depict 'what if alaira is qifrey's sort-of ex'. What's going on#i don't even remember deciding to draw this..it's all a blur..i'm not sure why i WOULD decide to draw delicate scenes in my head#that i wouldn't really want to share with anyone/discuss so why did i draw it...#some part of me really really wants to draw things that are more and more true to myself...#maybe because of my alienation with most romance/shipping/dynamics the rest of the world depicts.#orufrey really is perfectly suited to me - what i read in the text and what is in my head. well anyway#i am TIRED of drawing poses and angles and..maybe now i will actually take a break from drawing bc of the tediousness of Angles#btw it really is a 'stretch of time' . . . assuming witches graduate age 18-20#well orufrey are canonically 30-ish. they've only had agott around for presumably about TWO years (?) bc she took the test age 10#and it feels like oru moving in/unknown atelier acquisition/building (?) .. i guess that could be a year or so before agott at most#(she was the first disciple) so... ????????? What about the other 7 or so years ?!?!?!!?!?! Unemployed Brimhat Hatred era#that time is very nebulous. after qifrey went to the tower i feel like it's been implied he and oru drifted apart a little.#certainly they didn't live together at first... no way. that doesn't feel like how it is based on things oru has said about becoming Eye#idk. I'm tired now. i don't usually think of alaira as necessarily qifrey's ex and this being how things went in that 'sliver of time'.#i usually prefer the idea that they have their first kiss with each other in their 30s cause That's Just The Orufrey Lifestyle#just felt like making a more relatable alternative view of my own Cai Orufrey Canon one time. btw im a big monoshipper and it hurt a bit#let's leave it there. this is surely the most i've worked on a 'single' art - though now i realise just how much longer the fic took :')
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imagine...
...that some things have changed (including some marigold ventures?) and Atlas May is like uh oh both lackadaisy & i are doomed, but if i set up my own death maybe only i'll be doomed and lackadaisy might have to shutter but perhaps more so on involved people's terms, such as mitzi being fine financially, but also if she thinks it's her fault that'll be good for maintaining my posthumous Image to her, perhaps she did some defrauding again? and i'll have mordecai, my trusted & effective gunman, be the one to fatally shoot me, & of course he doesn't want to, but it's Mere Work Ethic time, what's he gonna do besides argue at all maybe, ultimately refuse? (no) and he may hate it but he's not going to want to fully turn on mitzi or anything after because then what would have been the point
#the power of images to incoherently posit my Ideas#can't be concise but Can frame this completely with What If Atlas Did This Thing#if i start with ''so mordecai killed atlas'' there's no time to be like ''not cuz he wanted to; yeah no he wouldn't betray him;'' etc#but see: my tag:#mitzi and mordecai murder mystery#lackadaisy#mitzi may#mordecai heller#i bet that horatio absolutely did not ever do that. chaisis is trying to be a play on crisis btw#bristling fugue moments? don't try to verify it#for the life of me i couldn't find that one specific edit that ends with the ''I Want To Dream....'' dialogue doesn't it lmao. nevertheless#kind of what i meant to make when i ended up drawing Lackabowling & mordico. nicodecai. mordenico. you understand#not sure anyone can understand i'm trying to convey ''if mordecai had to noscope atlas (from afar i bet) a second would pass Very Slowly#from his perspective. how useful if he even has clock sound effect leitmotifs established'' or anything else. have fun be yourself. Post!#corned beef#(ha only now do i remember ''that's completely ambiguous whether it's a second or minute hand'' zoinks#oh well: A Second Feels Like Fifteenish or Mordecai Is Just Standing There Emoji For A Full Minute....either way i guess)
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Batman #149 by chip zdarsky is mostly unremarkable, but I'm really fascinated by how it makes a great case for 'good' endings not saving 'bad' stories*. Because there's a lot of interesting concepts in this issue (bruce having to deal with his rapidly aging and decaying clone making him think about his own life, re-establishing a 'nest' so to speak for his family after pushing them away, etc) but bc of the OOC slog that came before it, almost every moment w/ the batfamily comes off as unearned and disingenuous imo.
Like, everything with Damian is the perfect example in this. Because in isolation it's...fine. admittedly it's a missed opportunity to not go deeper into how Damian would feel about a clone of his dad who tried to kill considering Damian's relationships with clones of himself (the heretic rejects and respawn) or with former enemies who wanted him dead but who were manipulated and/or brainwashed (like suren and maya).
Zdarsky doesn't go into any of this but you could maybe excuse it as the issue not being about Damian. However, coupled with the previous bizarre characterizations of Damian in 147 and 148, it ends up not being fine- instead it starts to feel...icky how Damian (who, despite often being drawn and written as white, will never have his connection to the non-white al ghuls forgotten and will always be effected by racism even when not portrayed as a poc) is constantly written as overly violent, uncaring and narrow minded in this run. Coupled w/ trying to recanonize the morrison origin for Damian it's like. OH this is badly written and laden with subtle bigotry, sick**
That's me going into detail on it with Damian but it's applicable to other things in this issue- the way Cass, Steph and Duke have all been ignored or turned into jobbers makes their inclusion in the 'family' here feel hollow instead of satisfying. Bruce proclaiming that Zur was still a part of him and he needs to accept responsibility for his actions (when it means taking in clone son) wrings hollow when just last issue zdarsky was bending over backwards to separate Bruce and Zur bc otherwise the Jason thing would get really awkward. Ends are achieved through means that feel hollow or strange. I'm at my destination but damn why'd the bus have to do all that???
I only really have opinions on this latest arc of zdarskys Batman bc it's the one I've read the closest (bc I'm a hater, masochist and avid follower of even the bad damian storylines) but it's not saying great things.
Bc zdarsky can do one thing good in this book, and it's write Bruce and Tim. And yet this entire story, whether of his own volition or editorial mandate, includes other characters who aren't Bruce and Tim, the fabric starts to unravel in very telling ways.
(p.s, I think pennyworth manor is an interesting idea but I feel like in execution it's just gonna be 'bruce living in a house haunted by the memory of the people he couldn't save' but with a different dead guy this time. Illusion of change and whatnot)
*whether or not the ending is good is up to you ofc, as is your opinion on the proceeding arc! I saw some ppl complain that the ending was too "WFA" for them, which I get even if I dont think it'll literally be the same premise. If anything it's probably a lead into the new tec run. Likewise many ppl who aren't in the weeds of Damian and Jason characterization liked the previous arc! But I have my opinions and rest my case before the bench
**disclaimer, I'm white and portrayals of bigotry in comics are complicated and subjective, but I am basing my point here off what other poc comic fans on socmed have been saying about 149. Also the "sick" is sarcasm incase that wasn't obvious
#ramblings of a lunatic#dc comics#dc#damian wayne#bruce wayne#uhhh. not gonna tag the others i dont have time#batman#idk if the zdarsky series has its own tag#anyway yeah. i saw some interesting discussions surrounding 149 and it got me thinking#the experience of reading the issue is inoffensive until i remember how we got here and then all of a sudden i start to feel downright evil#the bruce/zur separation thing pisses me off so bad. MOTHERFUCKER YOU WERE JUST SAYING LAST ISSUE THAT NONE OF IT WAS HIM#and maybe we were meant to agree w Bruce and not Jason in that issue but if that's the case. piss poor job demonstrating it#Bruce never really faces like. interpersonal consequences from the family that last beyond an issue#which is WILD considering the shit he pulled back before they knew he was having a menty b (mental breakdown for those who dont know)#the damian thing is just like. its such clear author bias in ways both lowkey funny and also. not funny. at all#i know a lot of ppl on here didnt vibe w/ batman and robin by joshua williamson but like#i cannot stress enough how he was one of the ONLY ppl in damians corner and now hes leaving that series#he says he approves of the new creative teams assigned but also they're his coworkers. so i dont trust SHIT until its in my hands#anyway one day I'll give a more good faith reading of zdarskys Batman and i do wanna read his daredevil some day#but as it stands he suffers from terminal ''has seemingly never read a comic not abt my special white boys and refuses to try''#which means everyone is going to have to suffer through my haterism#also sorry for no images. i really want to but i just don't have the wherewithal to do alt text rn
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I swear I have read your big post regarding Peter Parker's neurodivergence and why it is best to avoid labelling him, but he definitely has a weird brain
Can't find it and feel kinda sad about it cuz I deeply related to it
i know exactly which post you're talking about and i can't find it either! i've raked through my archive, and it's just - nowhere to be seen. i think tumblr eated it (it happens.)
really, tumblr's search functionality is so so useless, i don't know what to tell you. there are plenty of keywords i can search to find it that post, but the search functionality actually just does not work!
undiagnosed audhd-addled peter parker, my darling, my light, my life, my everything.
i think peter parker's such an interesting creature to write, because a lot of people will point to a certain behaviour about him and say "this is an autistic thing, right?" but a lot of those behaviours are actually, in my head, tied to certain traumas in peter's life too.
people say "oh, the food thing, peter's a picky eater because he's autistic" and yes, absolutely. but also it's tied to his trauma with his parents.
peter gets overstimulated, and yes, it's an autism thing, but also he was bitten by a radioactive spider and his senses are dialled to 11.
it's a similar case i've found for myself, too – where a lot of friends i have kind of diagnose me because i have autistic traits, but actually - i'm hesitant to claim the label or pursue diagnosis because, actually, i know where these certain behaviours come from, and they come from certain traumas. there are events i can pinpoint in my life and say "yep. that's where this behaviour comes from."
so - i think there's a lot of overlap between trauma and autistic traits. the brain is very complex! i think the reason for that overlap is maybe as simple as the fact that people with autism and people with trauma are both doing the same thing - developing behaviours to protect themselves or soothe themselves. so - i think it's nice to be able to see a character like peter parker, who may or may not be autistic, but recognise behaviours in him and see yourself in him.
people who go undiagnosed for whatever reason - people who are really good at masking - so good, in fact, that they have no idea they might be on the spectrum - everyone and anyone at all can look at peter parker and recognise themselves. because i think we discredit the thought that every single brain does the same thing! develops certain behaviours in order to survive. every brain has that same software - we've just all been faced with different hardships that we need to overcome, and that's were all the differences come in.
autism is a spectrum, i guess - everyone falls into it to some degree. and i think events in your life probably push you along on it. but i don't know, i didn't study brain science. probably what i'm saying is very stupid and uninformed. of course there's brain chemistry involved. but i know people in my life living with autism and certain events in their life have exacerbated certain behaviours or made coping with it a lot more difficult. so maybe trauma is a catalyst.
#a lot of my traits have been exacerbated lately and i remember it was much easier for me before#and some of my friends have said “oh it's because you've been masking too long and now you're facing autistic burnout.”#and that made sense to me i think.#but then i found out about the stress thing. me overproducing stress hormone. and that's a very physical thing.#and that explains why i've been overstimulated more than usual lately. and why everything feels like too much.#and i wonder how many of these traits of mine are going to subside once i have lamar removed#and it makes me wonder a lot of things. and it's so weird how much your brain is tied to your biology.#i wonder how much i'll change. i wonder how i'll feel. i wonder if i'll still feel like me. i wonder how much me is me right now.#and how much of me is being altered by weird freaky hormones. who am i?? who will i be??#i'm almost looking at this as like. a superhero origin story of some sort. like this is my spider-bite moment. maybe.#will i be different? will i cope with things differently?? now that my body isn't fighting something anymore??#maybe i'll be normal. i don't know. i don't know.#i don't know what it'll mean for me.#but all of these things mean i relate to peter parker in a certain kind of way#i don't think you have to be diagnosed with autism to recognise and empathise with those traits i think#i think everyone can see themselves in peter. and i think that's the benefit of having characters that aren't diagnosed.#because there's so much overlap in the human experience. and certain feelings aren't exclusive to just one group of people.#peter has such a rich identity actually. it's an autistic thing. it's a queer thing. it's a jewish thing. it's a trauma thing.#there are so many overlapping parts of peter's identity that inform who he is and how he behaves and it's never just one thing.#it's a product of all of his things.#just like me! just like everyone.#so me? i guess i can be a million things. you can explain what i am in a million different ways.#a hundred different psychologists can all come up with different ways to explain why i be the way i be.#i don't think it's something that can be simplified.#sorry wow. i'm really going off here in the tags.#i hope people don't think i'm stupid. i don't know brain science. i'm just philosophising as usual.#sci speaks
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So I know we here at Startrekfandom love that "came back wrong but from the pov of the wrong" thing and apply it to many different characters and canon situations and I am far from trying to complain about it (I'm "came out wrong" trope myself so I was always gonna obsess over it) but having recently watched a very important episode (you'll know which one) for the first time I think there's a character who hits both tropes mentioned but llike, intertwined, opposite and subverted, and whom I wanna talk about.
Julian Bashir.
From his parents' pov he's "came out wrong but we got him help and he came back better" while from his own pov it's "came out 'insufficient', was destroyed for it, came back wrong and only later slowly came to terms with his new self tho never the process (justifiably so)" and it's heartbreaking because in a way, he's right! Jules Bashir died! His parents had an intellectually disabled child and decided to eugenics him! Julian is not the person he used to be and while I do love the person he is now, that doesn't bring back who he was! Part of me wishes we could've gotten to see Jules at least once and part of me hopes we never do because my heart would shatter.
This isn't a good comparison but nonetheless one I can't help drawing: it's giving similar vibes to anti-vaxxers. "I'd rather risk having a child who is dead than one who's autistic". Obviously this doesn't map over since Julian is still autistic and the procedure his parents subjected him to specifically targeted his intellectual disability and if any folks with id wanna comment on this I definitely recommend you listen to them over me, but it's a similarity I, as an autistic who has encountered anti-vaxxers again and again, can't help but point out. "Give me a normal child or give them death."
This may have been written about already but there needs to be stories about teenage Julian (after finding out and rediscovering who he was) practicing some good ol' recognition of the self through media. I need to hear about how he would encounter a story about someone who came back wrong (I'm gonna assume there's plenty of "wrong" pov stories floating around by the 24th century) and absolutely weep. I need to see Julian mourning Jules, taking years and years to process his feelings, experiencing guilt about how he, the imposter, didn't deserve to live Jules' life.
Came back wrong from the returned's pov but it wasn't an accident. It was done to you deliberately by the people who claim to love you. And now you are here, piloting the corpse of your predecessor.
Jules Bashir is dead. Long live Julian Bashir.
#i've called julian jules before simply as a normal nickname but i don't think i ever will again. not after this#and knowing that if it had been possible i would have probably gone the way jules did. knowing that at his age i would have gone willingly.#fuck dude i am literally actually crying literal tears irl right now this is not a joke#fuck!!!!!#julian bashir#jules bashir#doctor bashir i presume#came back wrong#star trek deep space nine#HE WAS SIX YEARS OLD!! HE WAS SIX YEARS OLD AND THEY KILLED HIM!!!!#i cannot stop crying i am literally crying and like not even just a little#i cannot... poor julian how the FUCK do you ever come to terms with something like that#and like... julian remembers. he has most if not all of jules' memories and also knows he was murdered simply for not being julian#like how did he cope#(im about to go off on a tangent that will contain censored names for the sake of not clogging those tags if you dont know who i mean hmu)#like this is literally the thing that fucked up j*ran so bad he went on a murder spree isn't it#he remembers the one who came before who was killed. very different circumstances of course esp since tr*ll are expected to replace one ano#another but he remembers this person he remembers BEING this person who was young and simply enjoying life and who died a sudden death and#he remembers the experience of that death as well and how it lead to his own creation. it's not remotely similar ofc but considering that#the only time we see t*rias in alpha canon is in julian's body... i need to lie down for a moment.#and jor*n couldn't cope! he couldn't! it was far too much and the weird thing is right now in this moment i GET it y'know?? like that's#so horrific. and i haven't watched any jo*an episode besides facets yet but do you think. do you think j*dzia told julian about all this an#he nodded along and kept composure and then when he was alone he broke down crying? like julian you're doing SO well ily you're coping and#you shouldn't have to obviously but you do nonetheless!! do you think julian still has something from jules? like i've heard there's a tedd#but i mean jules prolly didn't keep a diary he was a six year old with an intellectual disability it's pretty unlikely he could write but#does julian have drawings made by jules? i'd like to think so but honestly his parents probably threw them out. like they also moved so#sorry i'm just. many thoughts head full. ive stopped crying now but who knows for how long. also i'll have to tag this with my original tag#maybe i should've picked something less silly for when i make serious posts but like what am i gonna change my url as well? don't think so#original posts fresh from quark's pussy#and thats the tag limit folks it's been fun. i had to delete two other tags but my god. anyway. thinking about jules bashir forever & cryin
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I should have been born a frog. I should have been born a frog. I should have been born a frog. I should have been born a frog. I should have been born a frog. I should have been born a frog. I should have been
#us elections#us politics#election 2024#i talked to an older friend today and he helped a lot#being with people helps#reminding myself that people care helps#47.5% of people in the usa care#which is a minority but at least it's close enough of a minority to a coin flip that i can always find good people#i am trying to be positive and not live out these last two months of peace in despair#being alone hurts more and i spent too much time today doomscrolling but i need some time to prepare for what i might see in the future#i do not want to make plans i do not want to make plans i should not NEED TO HAVE PLANS FOR A PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION#when i was 15 i had a whole plan for a novel i wanted to write. it was a whole carpe diem/memento mori about living life before it's over#it was going to be a good book. but now i'm not sure i believe in what i am saying enough to write it.#and i am not sure if it would be what the world needs.#but it would have been a good book. it would have been an amazing book and i didn't want to start because i didn't know how#and i wanted to wait until i had more writing and life experience to do it justice#and now i just don't have the OPTIMISM to do it justice and now it may never be written#moral of the story is write the thing NOW edit later make the thing now while you are still passionate about it existing#contrary to the contents of this post i am actually doing much better than i was this morning.#today an irl friend held my hand as i cried under a couch and an online friend reached out to make sure i am okay and i am not alone.#a lot of it is cold comfort. but at least i am regaining some faith in humanity. not all of it. i will never again have all of it.#but i will have enough.#i am a little more afraid of dying young than i was this morning and that is good. that is good.#i am not the only one who has lived through a historical event.#i will do a lot more tiredposting in the near future#especially as inauguration day comes up#but for now in the tags i feel at least a little better.#seraph rambles#seraph originals#side note: the content of the actual post is reminding me of otherkin back in like the 2010s lol remember when that was a thing on tumblr
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did you mean: blorbo with eternal anger issues
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#ch: meredith cousland#graphic#graphic: meredith#verse: dragon age#that tag is an unorganized mess by now probs but w/e#anyway she's my babygirl <3 loml <3#'the warden's burden' is my made up origin sidequest of mere and duncan's chat they had before she went to bed#'one road left before her' is a ref to the 'shred of blue' codex about the calling#she has a mage-templar war ref bc she would've been involved in things up until leaving for cure hunting#this isn't explicitly a sole ruler mere set but it ended up adjacent bc i didn't want to include a set romance lmao#mila n jorina were originally celia n ellana but i swapped 'em up bc they're both in mere's dao timeline to me#like mila's @ ostagar & kinloch and teen jorina's in the denerim alienage i don't make the timeline (i do) i just enforce it#the fergus gif was there as a placeholder until i found a suitable fc but at this point i'm attached so there he is idc#update: found this like a month and a half later abandoned in the drafts lmao#i was going to edit or add another images gif altogether but decided against it idc#she's cute. she's a fun little set as is#i remember being bothered by 'images' and then it's all article links but idc anymore i like it now
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wow wow wow ok ok ok ok
so im partway through the wardance event in HSR 2.5 and my mind is SPINNING
in particular finishing the most recent main quest with the Borisin, then hearing about Igor Haft of Belobog...
it's FASCINATING to me how the civilizations in HSR seem to not only follow a path that they value, but a path that they need and end up getting very little help from
belobog following the preservation because their small, impoverished planet is constantly under threat of death and destruction... such that very little is actually "preserved" with any success
the xianzhou alliance following the hunt to root out and eliminate their enemies without mercy... only for those same enemies to stir up trouble from within their own ranks, with the xianzhou luofu in particular failing to realize until two major disasters had already been set in motion. and even before then, considering everything implied with dan feng, i doubt this is the first time they've faced internal conflict like this
penacony following the harmony to ensure the happiness and unity of their people, only for what little harmony actually exists to simply cover up the turbulence and suffering belying every luxury... such that the order arose in the first place to deal with what the harmony couldn't, a thick undercurrent of inequality and divisiveness that plagued every worker, every poor soul that saw penacony as their safe haven, their last hope
that those desperate for preservation would come out with so little, with so many wounds. that those desperate to hunt down threats would be perpetually plagued by internal betrayals and setups. that those desperate for harmony, peace, and unity would allow its weak to suffer until the only option left is not prosperity but silence and preconceived "happiness"....
it's just fascinating to me how those following a path actually have the least of it. it's fascinating how the pathstriders of the preservation are on the brink of demise, the pathstriders of the hunt are under threat of ambush, the pathstriders of the harmony struggle to remain united and fair to their people.
#hsr spoilers#hsr#hsr 2.5#im dying. im losing my mind im dying#IVE HAD THIS THOUGHT WITH AVENTURINE SPECIFICALLY BUT. NOW IT'S THE WHOLE COUNTRY (? CITY?) OF BELOBOG#RAAGAGGGHHHHHHHHHH#maybe i shouldn't have said pathstriders but i don't know how to distinguish between individuals vs countries/planets/ships here#anyway whatever im sure it goes for pathstriders too.#WITHIN THIS CONTEXT... the path you follow not being necessarily your determination. but what you want the most#robin following the harmony because of her doubts in her family.. that she wants to CREATE and secure that unity and fairness#aventurine following the preservation because that's all he has left. if he loses anything else he's as good as dead so#all he NEEDS is to hang on to his life. it's all he has it's all he needs. as long as he has that then he can keep moving forward#towards what? who knows. it's one step at a time for him. he's living paycheck to paycheck with his life. he'll figure out why it's#even worth preserving when he gets there.#sampo... wish i knew him better. but for him i think it could be that a certain amount of nihility is necessary to survive his lifestyle#anyway yeah i just. im thinking about it#my post#my posts#don't remember which tag i usually use for that hfndgbd
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