#…to not reach out and not reciprocate
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(Me ranting to myself again)
I think my friends think I don’t give a shit about them or something because depressive episodes are a whole bitch to deal with, make me spiral and I will just not talk to anyone - plus they constantly convince me that my friends don’t care about me and only invite me to hangout things out of pity. Now I’m actually getting excluded from things and it’s ☹️☹️☹️ but I also know it’s my fault so shit I don’t really know what to do
#okay never mind I guess it isn’t really anyone’s fault necessarily but sometimes I feel like I’m using not feeling great as an excuse…#…to not reach out and not reciprocate#like… I feel like I could easily do more and I just don’t for some reason#this applies to a lot of aspects of my life though#hurts my feelings but at the same time I’ve been such a shitty friend especially since we all graduated high school so I guess I just keep..#…convincing myself that I deserve it#or that maybe I’ve hurt my friends feelings too without realizing it#but then the cycle continues as I tell myself that they don’t care enough for me to have any sort of emotional impact on them#the one thing that my four months of therapy actually helped me with was to catch negative thoughts as they come and more deeply analyze…#…them and stuff and rationalize to yourself so that you can see how they’re actually irrational#but I still get caught up in those negative thought patterns and even if it doesn’t wreck me as much as it used to it still sucks#I’m making such a stupidly big deal out of this when all I have to do is just text my friends or talk to them#I don’t even know if they would consider my a friend like man I just feel so outcast from everyone#yayyy I love that this is like the third portion of my life where I have not had any actual friends 😍#okay well I pretty much just have one friend at the moment but still#wow this is embarrassing and long#rants#txt#personal
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Some days (nights) just feel like loss
#not sure what else to say abt that bc thats it thats all of it#like a firework show reminder of everyone thats just dropped out oftour life#and like you're the only one watching the show the only one thinking abt them bc theres no way the grief you feel for them is reciprocated#or not to the same degree bc well surely the silence isnt killing them#and its like for some im still ::here:: i can still be found but theres no hand reaching out to reconnect & maybe one side always held more#more emotions more loss more love? it doesnt matter#im tired of watching the show and im tired of feeling the loss#and im tired of carrying the grief thats only mine bc how do you care less how can you not saying i miss all the moments and laughter & lov#so thankful for all the nows with all of you even if i get stuck the in haze of my connections of before#i dont know how to not care not miss or not think abt all these people that have moved on to other things and other lives and just not miss#things the same way as i do#so i just get sucked into the feelings from time to time but ill come out the other side and pack up the loss and the grief#until the next time when i pull it out and unfold it and crush into sand again#just to come out again and again and again
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Okay, friend
#OH NO I HAVE TOO MANY THOUGHTS ABOUT THIS#first of all the obvious red and blue boys#the one who's ready to jump all in at the slightest hint of reciprocation#and the one who gets too into his own head and tries to chicken out of talking about his feelings#but also thinking about all the meta (and specifically jemmo's post) about the ep 10 fist bump#and how they were on the same level through it all and how their relationship is level and reciprocal at every point#and how we're seeing the exact opposite take place here in msp#tinn has just been rejected#and done so in a way where he has no idea that gun likes him too#gun trying to reach out in a situation that IS difficult for them both#but he has a step up on tinn here where he knows that his feelings are reciprocated even if they can't be together right now#and so of course tinn is the one to step back when he tries to make a move under the cover of the mv#because he has just been rejected where gun... just hasn't#and most importantly both episodes ending with immaculate food based flirting 10/10#anyway here's some boys fist bumping about their feelings in ep 6#(and talking about said feelings next to a body of water)#tune in next week for boys not really dating and also performing a tragic romance in ep 7!#my school president#my school president series#bad buddy#bad buddy series#bad buddy brain rot#this isn't about bad buddy but when is anything not about bad buddy anymore#< i love this tag but you best believe i am going to make anything and everything about bad buddy#kk.gifs#oh this is my first gifset of 2023!!!
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this keeps me up at night btw.
#mipha#botw#loz breath of the wild#TWICE??? SHE DID IT TWICE??????? AND WE'RE JUST GONNA MOVE PAST THAT????????? literally NO one else has been said to be able to do this#and like. hm. is it. is it... love??#like you know how zelda and her powers are implied to work the same. they focus on protecting the one(s) they love & their powers activate#(i know people theorise that mipha was going to tell zelda her power works when she thinks about link but i've always thought she was going#to say that it works when she thinks about saving the person under her care. because it doesnt really make sense to me that her healing#would work for other people if she was only focused on saving link you know? so i've always thought it was just 'saving the people i love')#and zelda is technically able to do this with link after he wakes up and he's the only person her powers woke for#so does this work maybe like an inverse or an extension of how their powers usually work? like instead of it just being their love for the#other person it's the other person/people's love or reciprocated love for them. zelda & link are implied to have really only had each other#but mipha. mipha had a family and a whole kingdom. she was connected to nearly all of them when she passed and both these events#are said to have taken place shortly after she fell. in the dlc she asks link to pass on a message to sidon for her implying that she#can no longer speak to him as she once could. perhaps that's just her power waning over time but if you think about it in the context#of how the domain is slowly losing people who knew her and those who remain only remember her for what she did for them rather than who#she truly was then could she have stopped being able to connect with them because there was no one left who loved her as they once did.#loved her for who she was.#was she in vah ruta reaching out for her father and brother and realising slowly that they were forgetting her#... 'do not cry. just remember' huh.#freya talks loz#so consumed by mipha thoughts i forgot my own tag
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one of thos nights. where i miss my love
#i dont know man. i cant pinpoint the exact time when i just. stopped reaching out to people and being receptive to attempts to reach me#blahhhh#i WANT to talk. more than anything. like so fucking bad. but whenever someone offers to talk. i simply do not reciprocate. WHY#expert self sabotager#eventually i stopped reciprocating with my love as well. you know how it goes#i wish my therapist would respond to my texts
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jerejean warriors i respect and i love you i truly do but how did that pairing even get so big while jeanee has 45 fics total. again i truly love and respect u however i wish i could take some of the jerejean fame and transmute it to jeanee.... i want what u have
#AGAIN I SEE THE VISION#i just can't get into jerejean bc i do not care about jeremy as a person at all right now#hes a disembodied three lines with bleach blond hair#jeanee..... you will always be famous to me im sorry#jean seeing renee and short-circuiting mid bitch rant#renee reciprocating and genuinely wanting to talk to jean even knowing what a mess his life is... jean finding#for the first time since kevin left#a beacon of light that causes him to reach out in what he thinks could be his last moments. renee driving through the middle of the night#to save him#renee “im a bad person trying very hard to be a good person” walker's friendship saving someones life even though none of them know what#would've happened to jean if they never became friends. not even jean#ill most likely be a jeremy warrior once tsc comes out and he becomes an actual person i promise
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I hate that meme that’s like “if they wanted to text me first they would“ after you send somebody a message like chances are they r wanting to talk to you too and get so very happy when they see you pop up on their phone. you have to just try and reach out for the chance to build something nice with someone
#obv if there’s no reciprocation then just respect their space but cmon ppl!!!#don’t be afraid to be a lil vulnerable by reaching out#rejection sucks but at least then u have an answer#text
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#the secret to making friends is to let yourself annoy them#this is a joke but im also being completely serious#all my life I've been too apprehensive to make the first move because im always afraid of being bothersome#but looking back at the friendships through the past 4years at uni... im so lucky that a lot of people didn't worry about bothering me#and decided to come up and initiate conversation anyway#and also. whenever anyone has 'bothered me' by asking about me or wanting to know more... I have only felt loved and special...#so i guess what im trying to say is that#cringe culture is dead and theres nothing cool about prioritizing how you appear over the potential of a real bond#and I was born to be persistent and curious#so yeah. now that my graduate program will start in a couple months and there are opportunities to get acquainted with my classmates#I reach out to people with no attempt to hide my enthusiasm in getting to know them.#I double/triple text a lot and annoy them (affectionate) like i do my bffs and its incredible how 9/10 reciprocate that energy so quick#and despite the cultural differences and minor mistranslations/miscommunications we still manage to find common interests to discuss about#and it's like '!!!!!!! we're besties now'#yeah sure sometimes people might get a bit uncomfy and by the second message if i feel like I'm disturbing them I back off#but i won't know that until i reach out in the first place. so all in all this has worked really well for me and i love itttt#megumi in the tags
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oh the woes and struggles of writing a fem oc…
#vent /#i love ki sm and im lucky i found ppl who actually wanna interact with her#but ngl sometimes i get down when i realize how Hard it can be too#like esp when reaching out and the reciprocity is just Not there#specifically if ur oc is fem presenting like ik there’s a difference there#im just here flopping around like a fish out of water#and like… when i wanna ramble abt her and explain her lore#being left on read or the energy just is Not it#like i get it that sometimes ppl are too busy to respond#that’s literally me rn with midterms#but more so like… im putting in the effort and the same isn’t being done im kinda like#ok 🧍♀️ left standing on the side of the street#it also makes me embarrassed because i tend to get Really excited#so it’s a big plunge down from that high LMAO
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idk who needs to hear this but if you havent reached out to people in a long time and they stop reaching out to you? thats when it becomes your obligation to reach out. yes its scary yes anxiety is a thing. but you cannot get pissed at people when you dont even send them memes or cat vids and they fucking leave. they didnt ghost you you were a shit friend and are now facing the consequences. you can "but my social anxiety" all you want. even if it was the cause the impact remains the same. meeting you where youre at only goes so far you HAVE to reciprocate if you want friends.
#im tired of being the person who reaches out and only getting a fraction of my friends who reciprocate#i have lost people like this and i have left over it#i refuse to reach out to people who refuse to reach out to me anymore#if youre gonna assume i dont wanna talk bc i stop chasing your attention i dont fucking want that attention
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Bouncing between the most heart wrenching unrequited love music to my feedism blog is doing numbers on me mentally
#violet rambling#like bro i wanna love someone until death and have someone reciprocate that#lemme give you everything i have while hou return the favor#lets lean on eachother like two trees hit by lightning strikes that just so happened to fall in the same direction#lets regrow our roots and reach out to eachother so our roots are intertwined
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sometimes I wish I was a more interesting + charismatic person just so I could keep conversations going bc I like sharing space with other ppl but they routinely lose all interest and leave once I run out of things to say/start talking abt things that don't concern them :-(
#and boy do I run out of things to say so fast when I'm talking to friends who ik dont give a fuck abt any of my interests...#theres only so much i can make small talk or ask them questions abt their own interests/lives yknow. man#it just makes me feel like im constantly competing with smth else for other ppls attention all the time + constantly losing#eg. when i say smth + my flatmate reaches for her headphones a little dark souls banner appears across my vision like INTERACTION FAILED#and i can feel my rsd + insecurities praying on it like the more i feel this way the more it prophetically fulfils itself#by making me less willing to try and take up space so i become a smaller and smaller person around others#it frustrates me a lot sometimes and i dont rly have the will rn to undo that and force myself to take up more space regardless#ik this sounds like a water is wet complaint like oh nooo woe is me people get bored of me when i talk abt boring things (!!)#but when im spending time w ppl i like i enjoy listening to them talk even if im not interested in the subject bc its Them talking#and if they care abt smth then its worth hearing abt!! to me anyway. but it rly feels like no one reciprocates that idk#oh well not that it matters. at least i like the shit im into so i can talk to myself abt it in my head or on this site lmao#and i like myself as a person even if other people dont so theres always that. ur no 1 should always be urself <3#voicing this makes me feel so stupid + embarrassed urgh. i hate being anxious abt dumb shit i hate being the sort of person who worries#that their friends privately dislike/just tolerate them or whatever bc id never want a friend to worry abt whether i thought that abt them#and im not naturally a very insecure person!! i think im just feeling particularly vulnerable atm bc of the season + jobhunting so long#+ the fact im dissatisfied with my current social life + still feel very wobbly from not having other ppl i can trust or rely on etcetcetc#and thats just bleeding into other areas. and it sucks a lot. but theres nothing to be done abt it rn bc im not going to communicate it#to other ppl bc im not pathetic enough to make my anxieties someone elses problem + beg for pity attention im too proud for that 👍#anyway. gonna play some noita + then i rly need to work out today bc thats probs part of why im feeling so shite#if ur reading this ignore me im just venting itll pass. i hope youre having a nice day :^)#.vent#.diaries
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It's 7am and I'm upset. Anywaaay I'll just sleep it off
#ray says#i just feel like i do a lot of reaching out to ppl that isn't reciprocated which i get like you're struggling or busy or you forgot cool np#but i'm struggling and busy and forgetful too? yet our rs relies on my efforts alone. how's that fair? what if i just stopped lmao what if#ANYWAY at least i did smth productive out of waking up this early! i'd forgotten to buy the tickets for my cinema date#reminder that i use the word date loosely. most of my friendly hangouts is a date to me <3
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i literally likw felt sick hust now bc i thought abt gay people and ive just realized as i was about to hit post that this sounds homophobic. it was pure envy unfortunately
#i need to have a gay moment or im going to die in real life. guys its so hard#mfw i never leave the house and im extremely closed off and distant from people and i never talk to anybody and im a shutin: When will i#meet my love.#ITS NOT GONNA HAPPENNN MY LOVE WILL NOT MATERIALIZE INSIDE MY STUPID GARAGE. PUNCHES THE WALL#also you may think connor youre not closed off you literally yap constantly about every single thought in your head. Yes. but thats to you#guys as a whole so it doesnt count#one on one conversations im so scared im like acat hiding under a bed. genuinely shaking crying#BUT I DONT NOT LIKE ONE ON ONE CONVERSATIONS I MISS THEM BADLY. i used to talk to online friends Everyday. and ugh. obvioisly.#i just like. idk. i wanna make friends but i feel like im so bad at being a person that its wah too much work to befriend me#i dont mean that selfdeprecatingly i mean like. i need the other person to make the first moves always which sucks bc thats a bad thing to#expect of someone but if i ever made the first moves i. well i just couldnt my brain would shut down its a whole thing. connor doesnt speak#unless spoken to etc. and again ik i yap on here#but thats bc this is like my diary. dms or discord or whatever Is a conversation.......sigh#but ya. and with time i think id warm up and be able to initiate congersation and reciprocate properly but thats a long time to make someone#wait. bc i also when ppl do reach out i like. im like . like w my old coworkers we were i think friends but i was like Im the only one who#thinks that they dont actually like Me so whenever they talked id be like Theyre just doing tjis to be nice or out of pity#which is a rude thought to have abt someone inknow but its like. idk .. im nonsensical#but it takes me a while to like. actually understand somebody is trying to be friends bc im obtuse as fuck#and im like Well theyre saying hello to me and amiling whenever rhey see me just to be nice or possibly bc they hate me <- stupid guy on 🌎
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like from now on im applying this new policy to every friendship and/or relationship of any kind in my life which is: i’m not putting up with anything anymore. you give this relationship 20% of your efforts, i’ll do the same. that’s it.
#i always hated that kind of thought but istg right now at least there’s just. nothing else to do. i just find myself so frustrated lately#when it comes to friendships and being literally ghosted by friends i’ve had for years (MANY years. childhood friends)#that this is it.#it pisses me off and mostly it saddens me. but i just can’t keep on doing my best when it’s not reciprocated#like i just can’t try to reach out to someone who clearly has no interest in being my friend or hanging out with me. and same with dating.#im done with being the bigger person always and putting all my efforts in a friendship and getting nothing in return. that’s not buddies#im sick and tired and done#sofi complains
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Timeout for the baby ig
#did we get put in a bucket?#are we dead and dont know it yet?#like#y'all#no one talks to me/us anymore#all our original friends save cloud/silver/shinso have forgotten we exist#idk what that means#did i do somthing?#love our new friends but even then no one really talks to me#im just#here#im here until someone needs me or happens to catch me at my worst#and then its all headpats and kisses then i dont exist again#i know im hard to talk to#i know i dont seem like i want to rant about many things#but if anyone put in the smallest effort i promise I'll reciprocate#but im not going to be in a onesided friendship again#im not gonna be the only one reaching out and engaging and pestering for attention#ig its my fault then huh#idk it just feels like no one cares beyond occasionally interacting with me#i promise i can be funny#i promise i can make somthing worth your time#i just dont know what it is you're looking for yet#i dont like being in the bucket#someone take me out#goblin vents
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