#i dont really reciprocate when people are trying to be friendly with me

[frotting-corporations]

i like to be alone too much. i'm ruining the possibility of making new friends

[phopollo]

*getting on my hands and knees* Please I would love to know more about your fairytail rewrite, I have also just decided to do a rewatch of it and I am dying for more content/more people to talk about it with (also i love your designs so far and especially the focus on my girl Juvia... would love to know your ideas for both ex phantom lord guys actually)

AKFNWKG OMG HI YOU DONT UNDERSTAND HOW HAPPY THIS MAKES ME

GAJEEL & JUVIA MEAN SO MUCH TO ME, BOTH INDIVIDUALLY AND AS A DUO, AND I WAS SO SAD ABOUT HOW THEYRE TREATED IN CANON (especially Juvia,,, she was my favorite, but she got done so dirty when they stopped allowing her to he her own character outside of loving Gray,,,) SO IM ELATED YOU WANNA KNOW MORE ABOUT THEM, BECAUSE I THINK ABOUT THEM SO MUCH

So!!

I'll start with them as a duo

While members of Phantom Lord, none of the Element 4 were really like.... friends per say, but Gajeel and Juvia had the closest thing to being like........ friendly coworkers of all the relationships among them. Juvia was kind of the only one Gajeel really respected, and Juvia recognized thar Gajeel treated her with as much respect as he could, so she reciprocated (think like,,, verbally acknowledging each other as they passed in the halls, but calling each other by last name)

After joining Fairy Tail, in the immediate aftermath, everyone was still a little cautious of them for understandable reasons. So they kind if unintentionally cling to each other, because..... yknow. They're the only ones not giving each other the side eye, so it doesn't feel like they have to claw through a wall of tension to just hold a simple conversation

The turning point for them into actual friendship is when people start to give them more of a chance! In particular, on a day that Fairy Tail is getting A Bit Rowdy(tm) in the guild hall, and Gajeel turns around, expecting Juvia to have his back, and shes.... she's not there........... and now that he thinks about it, it's been a bit rainy today............... so he gets a little worried and goes looking for her, only to find her hiding in the bathroom because she got a bit overwhelmed and overstimulated because she's never had so many people approach and try to talk to her all at once and never been involved in a brawl like that that wasn't an actual like, fight, and she just...... she needs a minute. So. Gajeel sits with her a bit, because. Yknow. It wouldn't be worth it to go out there and pick fights with everyone and have fun if she's not also going to. It's just not as fun

They get a little awkward sitting there in silence and Gajeel gets antsy. He looks at himself in the mirror, and then down at Juvia and her perfectly styled hair. He goes "Hey wanna help me wash my hair?" And she kind of. Stares at him for a few seconds.

(Bonus doodles of when I was initially thinking about this but never planned to post bc my hand writing is ILLEGIBLE)

So Gajeel takes care of his hair now (very important about him and his character and the change in his hair style between Phantom Lord and Fairy Tail)

And after that, they accidentally become Natsu-And-Lucy-But-Cool-Tones

And they're very silly, and I love them very much

Whoops, that on its own was a little longer than I intended, but I'll still go into them individually too

Gajeel;

His insecurity about falling behind the other dragon slayers is a little more prevelant-- he just kind of always feels like he has something to prove

An important part of the Rewrite to me is thst there's the opportunity for characters who didn't really seem to interact as much get the opportunity to, so I'll also put out there thst Gajeel forms pretty tight bonds with Wendy, Erza, team Shadow Gear as a whole not just Levy, and the Strauss siblings

I don't think he really knows what he actually likes to do in his free time. He kind of just tags along with other people doing things they like to do

He's roughly very similar to how he was in canon. A lot of the work I've done on him has been more just smoothing out the edges and adjusting his behavior to reflect the people I've declared him the closest to

Juvia;

It's so important to me that she gets to be a character outside of being in love with Gray. She does still have a crush on him, and she's not super subtle about it, but she's also like.... she's capable of being a normal person around and about him. They are genuinely friends above anything else

She had no idea how to talk to anyone. Cana and Mirajane were lowkey her saviors when it came to learning how to interact with other people and not be a complete freak, so she's super tight with them in particular

In canon, we were shown both thst she made her own Teru Teru Bozus, and that she knit Gray a scarf once. There's also a couple other things we're shown that its never explicitly state she made them, but I feel like the implication is there. So I'm taking those and running with them-- I'm making her a really crafty person, and she loves and takes a lot of comfort in doing things like sewing, knitting, and crocheting, and that's something she notably does in her free time-- especially since she doesn't just do them for the sake of doing them, she almost always makes something for someone (got a little drawing about this incoming actually)

We only really got to know the bare minimum of Juvia's backstory-- that her parents are dead, she was taken in by her uncle who did his best to help her and her rain problem by seeking out water and ice wizards, and then he also died while seeking help for her-- so I've expanded on it a little and made some minor changes! Longest story short; her father died in a workplace accident before she was born, and her mother died during child birth, which is what lead to her being taken in by her uncle. As much as he loved her and was doing his best with her, he also kind of always resented her and blamed her for the death of his sister (her mom) even though it really was not her fault. Juvia sort of always recognized this, but also as a traumatized child, blamed herself, which lead to the intensifying of the rain around her as she got older and understood things better. That's when her uncle started looking for other water wizards and ice wizards to try and help stop the rain. He went out one day to meet with one, and he never came back. Juvia doesn't know if something happened or if the resentment finally built of too much and he just up and left, and that's something she's never going to get closure on. It definitely still plagues the back of her mind and affects the way she acts now, even if she thinks she's moved past that point in her life.

Woah

That was a lot, sorry akfbskd

I hope this was at least some of what you wanted to hear about them!!

[crystallizsch]

Hi...I'm new to the twst fandom, and i saw you help out someone else with recommendations so i was hoping you could help me tooo? 🥺 I'm worried about bothering people with asks and stuff, so i was wondering if you had any recommendations for blogs of nice/welcoming people in the fandom? 👉👈 It would be nice to make some friends...

You seem really friendly and welcoming, which is why I managed to send this...I just don't want to annoy anyone...💔💀 Thanks!!!!!!!!

AWHH HELLO HI WHAT THANK YOU SO MUCH??

i sometimes worry that i may be too overwhelming (if that’s the right word for it???) to even approach so that means so much to hear 😭💖💕

also i MAY have rambled too much,,, i ended up giving (unsolicited) advice as well im so sorry but i just wanted to say some additional things too about making friends in the fandom in general 🤧

anyways anon it’s all right under the cut 💖

AAGH FIRSTLY welcome to the twst fandom!! so glad to see you joining in!

i’ve only been in the fandom since the beginning of this year actually! and so far as my experience goes it’s been so fun!! people create amazing things and share amazing ideas with one another so i hope you enjoy your stay!

ALSO it makes me happy that you even think i’m approachable enough for recs 😭💖

i'm admittedly very biased though because a lot of the blogs i consider nice/welcoming are already mutuals/friends of mine 🤧

and i’m lowkey highkey kind of shy mentioning them again ahglsjdlsalk so i’d like to point you back to that original post here even though im assuming that you literally just came from there 😭

im so sorry i couldnt be more helpful with recs 😭💔 but all of them i do consider pretty nice blogs!!

ANYWAYS PLEASE DONT WORRY ABOUT “ANNOYING” ANYONE YOU ARE NOT A BOTHER most people love receiving asks/interactions!!

i really understand the feeling though!! it’s hard making that first move sometimes,,, and honestly (i know it sounds incredibly cliche but) you’ll never really know if you’ll click with someone here until you try!!

and i'm not sure if you post or not but! it's definitely how I've met the people i’m mutuals/friends with here!

i’ve made friends with others who regularly/every now and then reblog with nice tags or comments on my posts ;;; and i do the same on my main blog! i tend to leave a lot of tags when i reblog posts that i like

and sometimes it just,,, happens??? especially if you and the other person have a shared interest in the fandom!

anyways,,,

send people asks!! reblog with nice tags!! comment!! just let other people that you're there!! the right people for you will reciprocate 💖💖💖 (also this is in no way being against people who just prefer to silently lurk/interact btw i still appreciate you guys 🫶 this is just for if you want to interact more and make friends in the process!!)

but that's just me!!

similar to what i said on the original post i encourage you to find and interact with other people that you think you would vibe with!!

there's a lot of different corners in this fandom that are into way different things about the game than me. and the people that i vibe with might not necessarily vibe with you which is not anyone's fault!! it’s just the way it is 💖

(also i forgot to mention this in my original post --- i'm not sure if you're a minor or not so make sure if you decide to check out some blogs allow minors to interact 🙏 ) (and a lot of blogs outline their boundaries and rules on their intro posts that are pinned so keep that in mind!)

i have no idea how to end this hsjshsjs but generally just find others who like the same twst things as you and interact with them!! it’s okay to do little by little until you’re comfortable, there is never any rush 🫶

AGAIN i hope you have fun here and i wish you the best!! 💖💖💕

[furiousgoldfish]

Damn i was not expecting the "#tw extreme abuse", thank you very much for your words though

I might be able to help the person who asked about healthy relationships though, ive made a lot of good relationships despite my family:

Communication

•above all else, communicate. Tell them about yourself. Learn about them. Get to know eachother! Likes, dislikes. Boundaries especially! Check in on them. Just a quick hi once in a while can do wonders (lots of relationships fail due to lack of communication or miscommunication)

•listen to eachother

Arguements

•if something happens you can always walk away, make sure the other person understands that they can as well. Take time to collect yourselves and explain later why your upset

•be clear and ask for clarification where you need it

•fights can be scary but dont think that someone will leave you after one

•try to steer clear of insults/threats/blackmail if your angry, thats hard to repair after

Trust

•i know its hard to trust and you can take all the time you need to learn how, but making healthy relationships is a good way to learn trust.

•Dont lie to them or you will get caught up in trying to keep it under wraps (unless its to protect your safety, in that case maybe being around this person is not a good idea), not only will they not trust you but you wont give yourself the opportunity to trust them

Kindness

•be nice. Its simple. Good people, the people that will make for great friends/support/family will be kind back! Go out and meet people! Youll make friends! Just give yourself a chance!

•treat other how you deserve to be treated, with all the love and kindess you should have gotten! They will pay it back, they will love you!

Other notes

•express interest in their interests. You dont have to be a big fan, people will want to show you what they like when they like you. They're sharing something special to them. So ask about it! You dont have to engage much with it, but show them their interests have value. It will make them really happy, and they should be open to yours as well.

•do fun shit together! Something you both enjoy! If there isnt anything that overlaps you can do your own stuff in eachothers company. Just hanging out with them is enough.

•being able to love someone else, is to love yourself. You're filled with so much compassion and care for this person, and they will feel the same. They will be their to love you when life hits the fan.

•again take your time, it can be hard to get right. If it doesn't work out thats an experience you can carry into the next relationship, something to learn from.

Caution:

-make sure they actually make you happy and treat you well, not that theyre just the first person you could latch onto

-make sure you both have personal freedoms, your loyalty to eachother should not come at that cost

-keep yourself safe, safety comes first

Finding good people is a very important one as well, if anyone needs i could try explaining that too. Hope this helps.

Hey thank you for sending this manual!

Yeah your situation is extreme, I'm thinking about you and hoping that you get to experience freedom.

Your manual sounds really nice and is filled with common sense, and I've been following these types of guidelines for most of my life, but still had absolutely no luck. The thing is, this would work if you're surrounded with kind, understanding, non-abusive, friendly people who also just wanted to be friends with you and reciprocate and earn your trust and keep you in your life.

However a lot of people will see your friendly, kind, compassionate and communicative nature and decide to make use of it. It's been the hardest thing for me to realize when the other person is just pretending to be friendly back, in order to exploit me. It's really difficult to take distance from someone when they make you feel guilty for it and attack you for it, and it's hard to not feel guilty and betrayed when it happens. Manipulative people make great use of trust and communication you give them! Treating them with love and kindness will often get you in a situation where love and kindness will be expected, or demanded out of you, while you find yourself unable to ask even for some patience and space for yourself. And I'm worried that this is the situation for most abused people, we're often trying so hard to be kind, communicative, trusting, interested, loyal, patient, giving, caring, compassionate, and they zero in on that and eat it up, taking some time to make us let our guard down, before they start banking on us being in their service.

I have been trying to find good people all of my life, and fell unsuccessful, and I've tried hundreds of people, created a system of red flags that make me drop them, and had to drop pretty much everyone. And it's not as if this manual is generally bad, or I've just sucked so much at communicating and building boundaries, it's just, really difficult after abuse to feel okay around people, and to not be bothered by some of their manipulative nature - it hurts us more than it hurts others.

So even as I'm really bad with people, I can't recommend being very kind, trusting or communicative, of course it's nice if you can be that and not get hurt for it, but I absolutely cannot. It never happened once in my life, that someone returned the same kindness, love and care I gave them, and it often broke my heart. I would have to be very naive to still believe that I just haven't done it for the right person - hundreds of people reacted similarly, took what they could, then either turned on me, hurt me and pretended it was okay and I should stop being sensitive, or abandoned me altogether if I ever stood up to them.

This all is not your fault, and I can completely understand how you sent in these instructions with best of intentions, sincerely believing that this is the key to healthy relationships. It seemed like that to me too, when I was younger! I fully believed this would work, kind people would see me and return the kindness, it would be okay. The only thing I can recommend is the stuff you have under caution - if someone fails to reciprocate, or reciprocates at first and then stops reciprocating, get distance. If your freedom around this person is limited, get away, get distance. If they start treating you worse at any point, get distance. It's not worth ending up in another abusive, neglected or scary situation just for the hope of human connection. And it's also really difficult for an abused person tell when they're being neglected, treated badly or their kindness is not reciprocated, just because we've already been used to so much worse, so anyone not outright threatening to kill us seems like a nice enough person who deserves our whole heart. They often do not.

[localrobosexual]

i think i just. need to come to terms with the fact that there's a very, very high chance that i'm just straight up aromantic at this point. but instead of this being a joyous thing like when i discovered what asexuality was for the first time and everything clicked and i Understood, this one just. makes me sad

honestly this post right here really sums it up best. I don't think i've ever felt more othered and alienated than trying to come to terms with the fact that it's looking more and more like i may be just straight up aro.

which is extremely odd to me because normally I wouldnt give a shit!! i wouldnt!! i'm super secure in and proud of my asexuality and u would think that it'd be the same with coming to terms with being aro!! but it's not!! and i'm just confused and sad and frustrated abt it!!

i honestly think it may be because I have some friends that are like. either currently dating someone that I'm also friendly with, and/or are actively seeking a romantic partner right now. And will tell me about shit and the people they're seeing or things their partner does and it feels like there's something wrong with me because I just. Genuinely do not understand. I don't get it. I don't get the appeal of trying to find a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner. I keep thinking along the lines of like "why do you keep trying when you've had so many dates and guys fall through? what could you possibly be looking for that makes that worth it?" and apparently the answer is. romantic partnership. that i just. don't understand. I feel like a teenager again, when my acquaintances and whatnot at school or when i used to go to a church youth group would talk about their crushes or guys they were into and/or pursuing, and I felt like there was something wrong with me because I didn't understand what they were talking about, or what they were feeling. I've never had the desire to find a partner, or get married, or even be like. in a poly group even, if that'd be an option. none of that appeals to me

there have only been two times in my life where i tried dating, thinking that maybe with those people i was feeling what other people were describing as crushes and whatnot, but both times those feelings completely went away after like. a few months. and i'm pretty sure there is a label for that, for losing feelings after someone reciprocates, but i'm not really big on microlabels and I honestly just don't care enough to unpack that tbh. it's not that deep and i dont want it to be that deep

i know that there's nothing wrong with me. i know that i'm not broken, i'm not unfeeling, i'm not an (forgive the chicle term) emotionless robot or whatever, but at the same time i just. feel so left out. Romantic partnerships are always apparently gonna be held to a higher standard than my personal relationships with allo friends and it sounds really selfish of me but it does hurt a little. just because i don't understand. and I never will. and I say that all the time, like, "straight people are wack" when my straight coworkers talk about their relationships or just even straight up telling my friends that i dont understand the appeal of dating around. Ofc i'm happy for them, and wanna support them, and get a kick out of playfully teasing them about flings and bad dates but at the same time i just. man i dont even know. this sucks. it sucks. i don't know how to navigate this and all i'm left with is just feeling sad and empty and othered

[hunting-songs]

Give my muse an item and see how they react!

He had really tried. But the only camera he had ever touched since he was a child was an old polaroid that they had gotten with their friends while living in Lukso and the paper had run out soon. So taking pictures with his phone was not one of his greatest strengths. Kurapika still kept the photo that Senritsu had given him in his wallet and he wanted to reciprocate with something similar, so after taking a shower, he took one, two, three, countless photos but they all made him feel insecure, or they came out blurry, or poorly framed. Finally, after a lot of trying, he took a selfie that went from his lips to his bare stomach, his necklace handing in his chest, also showing his other arm which was more tonned than at the beginning thanks to the training. At least the fact that his face was not completely shown did not make him feel ashamed. After printing it out in his office, Kurapika put it in an envelope and waited for the two of them to be alone in their shared room to hand it to her, though he couldn't help but feel somewhat embarrassed when she took the envelope in her hands. He had really put his best effort into it.

"I must admit that I admire you, Senritsu, this is not easy at all"

Kurapikas heartbeat had been through the whole workday a nervouse song that dancing to would have made even a nimble dancer like Senritsu stumble over her own feet because it was too fast and hasty of a tact. It had her worried, so although they were on work Senritsu found herself carefully tilting her head in Kurapikas direction as often as possible until the sines in her neck started to ache as much as the worry for the other twisting in her chest. Therefor when they eventually were alone in the room and Kurapika handed her the envelope with the picture, Senritsu almost started to laugh over the picture. Not over the motive, that was beautiful. Not over Kurapikas shyness turning into nervousness and panic in a shrieking melody. Not over this at all. But because he was relieved. Relieved that Kurapika had been not aching but just nervouse and shy. Relieved that he trusted her enough to share such a picture with her. Relieved and happy that he wanted to gift her such a picture. So all she did was reaching out to the man sitting on the futon beside her and gently tapping her fingers against his arm, trying to slow down the nervouse orchestra that was his heartbeat, his breathing, the way he sat tensed.

“Dont be so harsh on you, I for one had help when I did those photographs. And extra pair of hands, so to speak.” An extra pair of hands that had been on my skin moments before that, tracing the lines of my tattoos. Senritsu did not added this, after all it would have been of no use: Kurapika knew Senritsu had been in relationships before meeting him, but also that she was not out to make him feel insecure and compare himself to other people. Especially not when the echo of Kurapikas insecurity turning his heartbeat into a light, fast flutter like a panicky birds wings was still clearly hearable for her much too keen ears. “I however take whatever admiration you offer me so dolcissimo. Its balm to my ears, please admire me more.” Senritsu winked up to the other in all good humor, a chuckle friendly and welcoming dancing on her lips just for him. Than, carefully as if she was worried she could crumble the photogrpah and therefor harm Kurpaikas hard work, held up the photograph a little higher so she could look at it while also having at Kurapika reflect in her dark eyes like in a sea of ink.

“Beautiful. I think its a very beautiful picture.” Past the photograph Her dark eyes wandered up to Kurapikas face, moving as slowly as a caress over his eyes, the shape of his nose, the form of his jaw, and the fine lines of his lips. Senritsu still very directly and very purposely looking up to Kurapikas face, smiled as innocently as she was defintive not, adding with voice sweet like a song:  “Mhmmmm….Not as beautiful as what I am looking at right now, though.” [ @skarletchains ]

[spywitch]

For me as a (most likely) autistic person I feel like i actually do have a decent grasp on what neurotypical conversation is *supposed* to go like, but I had to consciously learn it and its so unnatural to me that I still don’t adapt to it very well.

Like im pretty sure the general formula for small talk is someone asks you questions about yourself, then you are supposed to ask them questions about them. They will sometimes get very offended by you not asking about them, which is understandable bc its obviously how you are expected to show that you are interested in them and not just thinking of yourself.

But this just comes so unnaturally to me. For one, I often don’t LIKE being asked a bunch of questions. I saw someone talking about how questions can feel like demands to neurodivergent ppl, and thats exactly how it feels. Mundane questions can feel like an interrogation, especially if its a question I wasn’t expecting and don’t already have a clear answer ready in my head for. It feels very taxing on my poor communication skills to try to answer a question that I dont really know the answer to without thinkng about it for a minute, or that I feel like requires a much longer answer than what I assume they were expecting to hear. That and sometimes questions can feel invasive or unexpectedly intimate when ppl I don’t have a good read on or connection with yet start asking random personal stuff. Of course I may want to be asked questions about things I DO want to share, but it sometimes feels rare that questions like that are genuinely interested and prepared to actually listen and receive what I’m about to say. But random small talk questions can be so agitating. So because I find being asked a lot of questions to be stressful, it doesn’t naturally occur to me that other people WANT to be asked stuff.

Then of course if people DO ask good questions that I don’t struggle with, well then they are going to get me on a tangent of a special interest, story I am excited to share, or just some huge train of thought, and I am going to get distracted from actually making a mutual conversation. I know this seems incredibly selfish and disinterested in other people’s input or lives, but I can’t help but want to externally process big thoughts trapped in my brain that they’ve woken up with their question 😂

Also sometimes it feels like its even more awkward asking questions back when there is a power dynamic in the relationship. When a boss asks “how was your weekend” it somehow feels like I’m not… supposed to ask them the same back?? I don’t know if I am or not? And it also feels like theyre just asking to be polite and establish vaguely friendly relations, not because they really care or bc they want me to ask the same back (this is just in certain jobs ive had, not some of the more laid back ones). Its like when you are a child, adults ask “how was your day at school” and you just share with them, and aren’t really expected to ask “and how was work mom?” but as you get older you are supposed to learn to reciprocate conversation that way with your peers, so it especially feels weird with ppl who don’t feel like peers and feel above you in the social heirarchy just like those adults did when you were a kid.

And finally I just don’t really understand why other people seem to feel like they need Permission via questions to just talk about what they want to talk about. Neurodivergent conversation is like, “hey heres something that i think is interesting,” “cool! Heres something that I think is interesting,” and everyone just shares whatever they want to… neurotypical ppl seem like they want validation and permission to share about themselves, and like they see it as rude to just start talking about something in case other ppl are disinterested, and it just. Seems like an exausting game of social cues to make sure its “ok” to just speak your mind. I understand it feels good when others express interest in you, but I also don’t like Require that constantly in order to feel like its ok to share something im thinking about. And if I am disinterested in another neurodivergent person’s ramblings, I’m don’t think its “rude” or “annoying” they started them even if it is a little awkward, and I just will try my best to engage with it a little before moving on.

[echolovescats]

13.1.24

falling in love with someone is so weird. i dont know why but i always fall for ppl who hate me. i think it happens because of my need to be loved by everyone. i think that if i can make that person love me i can make EVERYONE love me and it makes me feel kinda good about myself. i need him to be obsessed with me. i need him to be so blinded by his obsession that he cannot see my flaws or just not care i guess. i dont even know if he hates me but i think he does. he doesnt treat me the same way he treats others. he acts cold and distant. i think he thinks if he acts friendly towards me i'll take it as a yes sign and fall in love with him and it'll be awkward between us or something. i mean maybe he's right because im definitely in love with him already. we only kissed a few times like 2 months ago when we were both drunk and i still dont know how to act around him. it probably meant nothing to him but i just cannot stop thinking about that night and how he was so attentive and caring and how he caught my eye everytime i looked at him. it made me feel special like he only had eyes for me and i liked it. i liked how he held my hand and took me dancing. how he got jealous of me and how playful he got. how his hands felt on my skin and how beautiful he looked in the park under the moonlight. i know he's kind of a fuckboy and he talks to like 4 girls at once but maybe i can fix him (famous last words). he's really smart and he's great at everything he does and he's funny and everytime he makes me laugh it makes me like him even more. i can feel myself becoming softer and more affectionate around him. i try to look into his eyes but he usually doesnt reciprocate. he has really gorgeous soulful brown eyes. im going to start working on his floor next week. i have no idea how things will go. im not even supposed to know this information yet but i feel giddy because maybe i'll see him more idk. maybe i'll see him even less. maybe this is me finally getting what i deserve like they said in a zodiac sign video. maybe it'll be good for me. maybe i'll finally feel like i belong. maybe i'll finally feel good enough. i doubt it. even when people tell me i'm good at something i think to myself "theyre just saying that to be nice. they feel sorry for you" i cannot get over that. it suffocates me. i read somewhere that daddy issues makes painters and mommy issues makes writers. is this me admitting i have mommy issues?

[runwithwolvcs]

You Know I’m No Good - o n e

Summary: Tallulah Forester isn’t a bad person, she’s just made one too many bad decisions. Which is why she has now found herself four hours away from her home in Seattle, to her estranged fathers little home in La Push, with her stepmom and two half sisters, whom she has only been with a couple of times in the past 15 years. Her mother and father had agreed, shockingly, that the small town lifestyle would be beneficial to their wild child, but bad habits die hard, especially when it comes to being in control.

Timeline: Takes place a few years after the events of Breaking Dawn

Pairing: Paul Lahote x OC (Tallulah is 18)

Warnings (future chapters): Drugs/Alcohol, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Jealousy, Mental Health, (Mentions of SA, but no details)

There are losses that rearrange the world. Deaths that change the way you see everything, grief that tears everything down. Pain that transports you to an entirely different universe, even while everyone else thinks nothing has really changed.

Tallulah stared out the window in the back seat with her knees tucked up to her chest, arms wrapped around them tightly as her father drawled on, switching from topic to topic, your sisters and Kira are so excited your coming to we’ve already enrolled you at the school to do you remember this person or that person? Anything to fill the silence from creating a  suffocating atmosphere in the car. It all sounded like white noise to her, she barely remembered La Push. 

She moved to Seattle with her mother when she was six and the two of them never looked back, whenever she would see her father or half-sisters, they would meet halfway in Port Angeles and then head their separate ways. It was easier that way for everyone involved. 

Josette and Lenna, her half-sisters, were ten the last time she spent any actual memory inducing time with them. Although they are only two years younger than her, they were so different. So in tune with the tribe, whereas she barely knew anything about the histories. She doubted anything would have changed in that respect.

Tallulah's headaches from her hangover, or maybe lack of sleep, she thought, and as she laid her head against the window she listened to the sound of passing cars and her dad's voice as she slipped into a dreamless sleep.

--------

Tallulah awoke to the sound of the car door shutting and a nearby dog barking, she rubbed the sleep from her eyes, grateful her headache was gone, but now in its place was a lump in her throat, as she looked around her surroundings outside of the car. The little blue house she vaguely remembers. The tire swings in the old oak tree. A woman's laugh caught her attention, as she looked to see her dad and stepmom, chatting away, happier than ever. Tallulah felt so out of place. Like she was an intruder coming in to ruin her fathers happy, little family with her black cloud of disappointment. 

Tallulah groaned to herself as she unbuckled herself, might as well get this over with, she thought to herself while opening the car door and slowly stepping out, stretching as she did. She could feel the two adults eyes on her as she shut the door gently, looking towards them, Kiras big smile, that if she didn’t know better would look insincere, but she did know. Her stepmom was a tryhard, doing anything and everything to be the perfect wife, the perfect mother and stepmother, no matter how hard Tallulah pushed against her kind persona. She was the reason her family was in pieces. Kira and her father were no doubt in love, even when her parents were still together, they never looked at each other the way she sees her father looks at Kira and vice versa, like they are each other's reasons for being. She moves, he moves. Tallulah nearly physically cringes. It's not something she ever wants for herself, that fairy tale love.

She walks toward them slowly, Kira meeting her halfway, wrapping her arms in a bear crushing hug that she doesn’t reciprocate, looking past her at her father who has that ‘be nice’ look on his face, and clearly, she was in no place to fight that. She couldn’t help but think, if this doesn't work out the way her parents think it will, where is the next place she would be shipped off to? 

Kiras' soft, sweet voice shakes her from her thoughts, “it's so nice to see you again. Your hair has gotten so long.” Tallulah raises an eyebrow before stating, “I've cut it a few times since I saw you last.” Kira laughs off the dig, before walking towards her father and saying, “the twins are out, we’d figured you'd be better off getting settled without a full house.” Tallulah nodded in response as her father spoke up for the first time since arriving, “besides, we have some things to discuss. Expectations and what not,” 

Tallulah eyebrows furrowed in confusion, “Rules? I’m eighteen. I don’t need to have any rules.” Her arms crossed over chest, as if she were a child. 

“If you think that you will be continuing your..extracurricular activities that you have picked up in Seattle, you are wrongly mistaken” he says in what she assumes is his fatherly tone that works on the twins, but not her, he gave up that right fifteen years ago. “Your mother has filled us in on everything, Tally” She rolls her eyes at this, as if she knows everything, she thought to herself.

Kira stood up on the porch, just inside the doorway, “Joseph, let her settle in, we can have this conversation tomorrow, after the bonfire.” she said in ‘dont fight me in this tone’, to which Tallulah appreciated, yet was confused, “Bonfire?” she asked, as she made her way up the steps of the house leaving her dad to bring in her few bags, “The tribe bonfire party happens once a month, the girls love it, plus you can meet some of your classmates before you start school.” Kira spoke as if this was something she should look forward to, but in all honesty, large gatherings were not Tallys scene, despite what her mother thinks. But, she would attend, save face and hope with good behaviour she would be back in Seattle with her friends in no time. This thought reminded her to shoot them a text quickly explaining her situation, hoping they would see it as an SOS, before shoving her phone back in her pocket and following Kira around the house like a little kid, listening to where things were kept, which rooms were which and then finally a stop at the room in which she would call hers. The walls were a blank, cream color, with light blue bedding and a wooden desk shoved in the corner, along with what looks like textbooks sitting on top.She nods politely as Kira mentions they will be leaving within the hour but try to settle in and suggests she may want to change out of her cotton shorts, as it “gets quite cold compared to Seattle” as she put it.

-----

7:14 read the time on Tallulah's phone as they walked up to the beach, the sun had just begun to set and the temperature had, in fact, dropped quite a bit, thankful for Kiras advice, Tallulah had changed into a pair of loose, blue jeans and had tucked her hands into the pockets of her oversized, black hoodie, fingers curled under the long sleeves to keep them warm.

She walked slightly behind Kira and her father, standing off to the side as they were greeted by people, before they had reached whom she suspected to be the twins. They looked so different from what she remember, her father lowly spoke to her, as Kira caught their attention, pointing out the smaller of the two as Josette and the taller, as Lenna. Josie dawned a baggie pair of dark pair of overalls, with a striped sweater underneath, her hair in two space buns, which was quite different from her sister, in her plaid mini skirt and form-fitting long sleeve shirt, her pin straight, dark hair fanned out behind her back. Tallulah could already tell they wouldn’t get along.

 She watched as Lenna stalked away from her mother to a group of people who looked around their age, before snapping her eyes back at the sound of her name being called, to see Kira and Josette waving her over, before she could even move her feet willingly, her dad was nudging her in their direction, as if she would turn and walk the other way. 

Josette moved over so she could sit directly beside, a friendly smile that resembled Kiras on her face, “ Hi Tally” she spoke her childhood nickname softly, “it’s been awhile, you look so much older, not in a bad way, like mature, adultish, but obviously your only two years older than me so not technically an adult..” she rambled off, “Hey Josette” and before Tallulah could say anything else, she was interrupted by the younger girl, “Its Josie or Jo, whichever fine, just not Josette” she spoke quickly, a pale blush crossing her olive toned skin, to which Tallulah just nodded and asked, “How long do these things last?”

“That depends,” Josie spoke, “Typically the adults leave once the stories and tribal matter finishes, so maybe an hour or two. But we usually stay later, or at least Lenna does.” she said, looking in the direction of her twin, who was now surrounded by a group of other rambunctious teenagers. “Sam Uley's crew is here tonight, so who knows if that will even happen, especially after last time.” Tallulah didn’t question the younger girl, mainly because she just didn’t care to. She looked away from Lenna and her friends, her eyes gazing on all the unfamiliar faces sitting on logs or picnic tables surrounding the growing fire. 

Her eyes stopped on what seemed to be a couple, the girl was beautiful, her long black hair was tied up into a neat ponytail, she was talking to a man in a wheelchair beside her, who looked like he could be her dad, her eyes shifted to the man sitting next her, his arm wrapped around her shoulders, he was in shorts and a shirt and looked perfectly comfortable in the frigid air, he was joking around with the boys next to him, as if the beautiful girl next to him was really there, despite his arm around her, “Thats Paul Lahote.” Josie said from next to her, causing her to flush from her obvious staring, he looked in their direction, as if he had heard Josie say his name, they locked eyes for a split second before Tallulah looked away embarrassed she had been caught. “Don’t worry, Lenna stares at him too,” Josie laughed jokingly, “I wasn’t staring” Tallulah spoke defensively, Josie raised her hands in surrender before leaning in close, “looks like he's the one staring now” Josie grinned, watching as Tallulah looked back at the older boy, noticing that he was staring at her, almost like a deer in headlights. He looked so familiar, though she doubts that they have ever met before. He smiles at her slightly, his arm retracting from the girl beside him despite her protest to his movement, and now the beautiful women is also looking at her, causing Tallulah to look down at her sleeve covered hands that lay in her lap, only looking up again when her father sits in the spot next to her, asking if she's alright, to which she absentmindedly nods her head. Is she alright after her entire life has been altered in the last 12 hours? What kind of question is that?

Her eyes are drawn back to the spot Paul Lahote was sitting in, or had been sitting in, the seat was now vacant, the man nowhere in her line of sight, and she can't help but feel a little disappointed.

[stargazer-balladeer]

General dating headcanon [Genshin Impact]

Characters Included: (human) Dvalin

Notes: HE’S JUST HOT OKAY—?? ASVSGSM— I DID THIS BC I CAN- IF U GUYS DONT LIKE IT THEN I DONT CARE- 😭😭 i also had to end it before i could get carried away— shhshs- hope ya’ll like this!

Reader’s Gender: Neutral

Warning: none

Dvalin is a bit weary of you at first, I mean, it’s not everyday that a mortal hasz courage (he likes to think its stupidity-) to go near him. He was in his dragon form when you approach him.

How you two started dating? Simple. Dvalin formally asked you if he could court you, to which you explain about dating and stuff. He isn’t in-tune with the latest stuff that mortals know, since he’s been sleeping for so long. He would also ask the help of a certain bard in Mondstadt- 👀

He is cold at first, and seemingly uninterested. He won’t be affectionate much and won’t initiate anything. So its up to you to make the first move. Though he might not reciprocate it.

“Mortal. Why are you holding my hand? A tradition for couples to hold hands? Hmph. Do what pleases you.”

Since Dvalin is like a grandpa (but more handsome and hotter—), he would ask many questions about different things. “What is that.. glowing, floating thing mortal?”, “Is there a certain rule that refrains us from doing such activity?” (He means gliding- HSHS-) and so on. He would appreciate it if you patiently explain these things to him. (It also gives him an excuse of hearing your voice-)

Dvalin might seem like he hates your affections, but he secretly loves it. He’s just a bit of a tsundere. He loves it when you intertwine your hands against his rather cold ones, when you wrap your hands around him and kiss him on his cheeks (or lips-). So, even if he says stop, don’t stop.

But I feel like, the longer you do it, the more he’ll start to reciprocate it. Ofc, still a bit embarrassed by it but-

“... stop staring at me like that. I will let you go if you continue to do so.”

Like Barbatos (Venti), he’s protective of you. Since you are now his mate (if dragons doesn’t have mate, they have now- 🤡), he will glare at anyone who dares disrespect you or even stare at you for so long.

“I shall not apologize for my actions. You didn’t see how they stare at you, it’s very disrespectful.”

Dvalin is, for me, cold, both literally and figuratively. So you can cuddle him when its too hot or something, but he’s a pain when you’ll cuddle him when its winter- he actually likes cuddles, believe it or not. He would often seek you out just for cuddles.

I don’t care what you say but Dvalin is touch-starved- years of loneliness and solitude has its perks, one of them is this. He’s not the best at words unfortunately, so he’ll try to convey it through actions. If he wants a hug, he’ll gently tug a part of your clothes. If he wants to hold hands with you, he’ll ran his fingers on your arm. If you want a kiss, he’ll bend down to your level and stare at you with expected eyes. (Let’s face it, Dvalin is hella tall—)

He’s not good with emotions yet, since he’s only starting to familiarize himself with the human society (tho he’s still an odd one since he still has his wings and horns- and his color scheme makes him stand out even more—). This means he wouldn’t understand the feeling of “jealousy”. If he notice that someone is being overly-friendly with you, or that you’re hanging out with another person a bit too much, he’ll be a bit confuse on why he’s feeling this but anger and frustration takes over. The wind around him picks up, making a mini hurricane- so you better come and get him before he could really destroy Mondstadt-

Venti is like a proud papa whenever he sees you and Dvalin in the streets. Sometimes, he’ll join in. He would randomly appear and disappear. Dvalin isn’t affected by this, afterall, he respects the Anemo Archon who saved him. But he can’t help but get annoyed when Venti starts to randomly appear, effectively ruining the date.

I can imagine Dvalin acting like a cat, pet him and he’ll be at your mercy. Play with horns, run your fingers through his hair, and whatever else. This man will melt.

Overall, Dvalin is like a new child being recently born into the world. He tries to block emotions and people in his heart by building walls around it, but you still manage to find a way to break it. Now, as a result, you have a somewhat-clingy humanoid dragon as your partner. Hope you don’t mind~ 😊

[x] Main Page || [x] Mondstadt Page

[twstdreams]

hello!! if it's fine with you, can i request some headcanons/scenarios(whichever you prefer)with the savanaclaw boys with an s/o that has a very chill and aloof personality, self-deprecating, and really used to pain? like "relax, i didnt go in thinking i would come out unscatched", but deep down theyre a sweet cuddlebug that's afraid of saying what they truly mean cuz they grew up in a place that didnt allow weakness?? thank you for time uwu, you can just ignore me if you dont feel like it.

I’m going to choose headcanons! Thanks for taking into consideration my preferences, let me know if you like these!

Savanaclaw Students with a s/o putting up a strong front:

Leona Kingscholar

Chill and aloof aren’t the first words Leona would use to describe his ideal type, but he does find his s/o’s self-deprecating nature and jokes rather amusing, if only for the fact they were so foreign. Arrogance is abundant in Savanaclaw, him not excluded, so someone who puts themself down is almost funny

At first, Leona doesn’t notice. He’s surrounded by Savanaclaw brawlers, and of course, in a fight, someone comes out bruised. So when his s/o says they’re fine, he believes them. No one makes it into Savanaclaw if they can’t handle a couple of scratches

When Leona does notice depends on how invested he is in the relationship. In the early stages, he honestly couldn’t be bothered. This relationship is for fun and he’s not here to unpack trauma, especially with someone who puts up such a cold persona. 

Given s/o grew up for years in an environment where weakness was frowned upon, and given how much strength is valued in Savanaclaw, s/o is probably really good at hiding their wants. The combo of their proficiency and Leona’s lack of effort means it goes unnoticed

However, Leona does notice how soft his s/o can be when they nap. When did their body get so close to his? He brushes it off in the beginning, whatever, maybe they roll around in their sleep as long as it doesn’t disturb his nap

But consistently, his s/o will end up by his side, they just can’t help it. It’s the prime opportunity, but if Leona ever brings it up with that confident smirk, his s/o dismisses it with the words flying out of their mouth before they even really think about it

This side is unexpected, but it makes Leona quite happy. Who knew his s/o had such a soft side? He’s going to enjoy this, and after some teasing, perhaps he’ll indulge his sweet s/o a bit too

Jack Howl

The fact that Jack and his s/o got together at all is a miracle in it of itself

They’re chill and aloof, Jack actively pushes people away, and neither go under the category of friendly

It wouldn’t be surprising if it was specific situations that put them together rather than either actively seeking out the other

Jack does not notice, and will not, that his s/o being used to pain isn’t of their own volition. The strong can take a couple hits and the point of fighting isn’t to come out unscathed, it’s to make sure you win and that your opponent got hurt more.

Neither knows how to show an ounce of vulnerability and it leads to lots of fights and miscommunications

Honestly, if it continues and neither fully let down their walls, the relationship could fall apart. Jack is convinced he doesn’t need anyone and it makes his s/o hesitant to open up about their true wants and needs. 

But, if by some bout of trust or perhaps on the verge of a breakdown, his s/o decides to open up, it’ll probably save them. At first, it’ll hurt and put the pain in growing pains. Jack isn’t used to openness and freezes up. He might spit out harmful words in the heat of the moment.

However, given some time to process, he does try to acknowledge his s/o’s feeling, fumbling and awkward but honest. It takes time, he’s not gonna spontaneously leave himself exposed even if his s/o has done exactly that.

He has to adjust every day, this sweet side of his s/o has thrown him for such a loop

If his s/o is sweeter to him, probably behind closed doors since this is a new experience for both of them, he might reciprocate over time. Nothing big, but he stiffens less, maybe he slings an arm around, perhaps a couple pats on the back

It’s a learning curve for them both, but part of him is warmed that his s/o would leave themselves so defenceless in front of him. In terms of past experience, the two have more in common than they expected

Ruggie Bucchi

Ruggie is pretty observant, so he might pick up on his s/o hidden wants depending on how good his s/o is at concealing their true feelings. If there are cracks in the facade, Ruggie could notice them

While he might be the fastest to notice, he isn’t so quickly willing to indulge his s/o outright. He waits a bit, leaving hints here and there, seeing if his s/o will willing admit it to them. 

Also, he won’t admit it, but if he was wrong and his s/o didn’t have a hidden sweet side, it’d be a pretty embarrassing debacle 

It’s a bit of push and pull with Ruggie testing the waters. He doesn’t want to leave himself vulnerable if his s/o won’t do the same. It leads to some peculiar and tense moments where they both wait with baited breaths

If his s/o decides to open up, Ruggie will be pleased and also a little smug 

He gladly gives them hugs, probably in private so no one gets a chance to use his s/o’s vulnerability against them. Anyone who does try will pay the price

[probs-something]

OK but for real should I just like

Stop playfully flirting with people? Literally don't mean to do it the majority of the time, it just kinda happens with me, but I seem to just

Get into trouble with it. Especially when I vibe with another person becos people can catch feelings and then I feel really bad if it isn't reciprocated or I get confused cos maybe I do like them and I'm just used to being friendly or I CATCH FEELINGS AND FEEL LIKE A MONSTER BECOS NOW IM FLIRTI G FOR REAL AND THEY EITHR KNOW AND ARE BEING NICE OR DONT KNOW BECOS IM A FCKIN LOTHARIO

Basically. Should I just change my fckin personality and try to only flirt with people if I want to srsly pursue them cos FCK my life

[normal-thoughts-official]

Do u think magnus's character has any flaw? Like something that u don't like about him? Your least favourite thing about him?

daiudhsaiudhaisdsajdsa i swear to god pasta, if i didn’t know that this was you i’d have thought that this was bait

anyway, alright, imma start this one by saying that i don’t think of “flaws” in a, like, maniqueist sense of the word, if that makes sense. a “flaw” to me doesn’t necessarily make you a bad person, nor is it something that is your fault, in the christian guilt sense of the word. you know? so i just want to make that clear, i’m not condemning magnus for anything here. so i’m taking “flaw” here to mean common behaviors or personality traits that hurt others, your relationship with others, or yourself

so in that sense, i think that magnus’ greatest flaw is his struggle to communicate honestly

again, i’m not condemning him. hell, i identify with him a lot. throughout the whole story, we see magnus faking smiles, saying that it’s okay, that he’s not upset, trying to hide how he feels. he lied to alec about being alright with the loss of magic, he didn’t want alec to know about his past, he constantly pushed himself beyond his limit, almost depleted his magic a thousand times, etc. he always tried to hide when he was feeling unwell, and he struggled a lot with communicating what he wanted, what he didn’t want, what he could and couldn’t do, what his limits were

and that hurts his relationship with others, as well as himself, a lot, so i consider that his greatest flaw in that sense. i mean, it’s not like he’s that great of a liar, alec is just a dumb bitch and i remember tearing my goddamn hair out at how blind he was, but still, it’s hard to guess when you are still navigating your first relationship and you haven’t known each other for very long. and things could have been a lot smoother for the both of them if magnus didn’t struggle so much with opening up

one more time in case it wasn’t clear: I’M NOT SAYING IT WAS HIS FAULT. at this point we all know that magnus does that as both a result of his abuse, be it from Camille, Asmodeus, or the shadowhunters in general - whom all taught him that his needs weren’t important and pushed him until well beyond his physical and emotional limits, wore him out, tore him down, and built that as the default, as Magnus’ normal - and a defense mechanism (because if he’s not vulnerable, he can’t be hurt; if he doesn’t open up about the sides of himself that he doesn’t like, about his imperfections, his fears, and everything that might make him difficult to be with, maybe people will like him, and he doesn’t want to be alone). so saying that this makes magnus a bad person, or a liar, or a bad partner, or whatever, is just ridiculous. especially because the person most hurt by this tendency of magnus’ is himself. he hurts himself and puts his own wellbeing on the line constantly, he hides and he feels alone and like no one will understand him. he struggles to form close relationships because he never opens up, and he doesn’t get the emotional support that he craves because he can’t allow himself to let the weight off his own shoulders. and it hurts his relationship(s) (because obviously this is not just about his relationship with alec, it’s also about his relationship with Raphael, whom he’s always taking care of but rarely lets him do it back even when he wants to, whom he’s always protecting but can’t be fully honest about his fears with; with Catarina, with Ragnor, with Dot, with basically everyone close to him, because he has unlearnt how to let people give back to him. and that also means that he gets into a lot of bad relationships - romantic, friendly, or even just working relationships - because if the other person isn’t interested in reciprocating, well. they just won’t and magnus will take it), because people feel like he doesn’t trust them, or end up hurting him unknowingly, or struggle to know where the limits lie even when they want to respect them, because it’s kind of trial and error until you learn his telltale signs 

so, yeah. that’d definitely be my #1 priority for him to work out in therapy lmao just. relearning to trust and to be honest and to listen to his own needs (because i do get the feeling that, after so long, he’s kind of unable to realize when he’s pushing himself too far until he’s too exhausted to keep going. and that doesn’t only apply to his magic and his work, but also to things like realizing that small things upset or hurt him, or that maybe he’s too tired to deal with a certain problem right now, or to ask for help or even a shoulder to cry on when he’s sad) and express them. and then learn to not take anything less than reciprocity. to put his own needs beside the needs of others, not behind, to let others care for him too. let magnus bane go to therapy 20forever

im not sure if that answers ur question since u said something that i dont like about him, which i think there isn’t really lmao but that’s definitely something that he needs to work on, for his own good above anything else

[kzorcl]

KARA

the first thing she noticed was the open lamp on the table not far away from the kitchen counter. that usually indicated that her roommate was home, so kara made quick work of putting her shoes aside and collecting her bags on one shoulder to haul them up on her loft. it wasn't a hard task, having been doing so for the past few months, and it's practically muscle memory leading her into the bathroom right after making sure that she hadn't left a mess at the common area. showering was also a quick affair, not wanting to occupy it for too long or, simply, not wanting to stay downstairs lest she risked bumping into her roommate which... wasn't usually a bad thing. things were just awkward between them, at least, for kara, it was. sighing, she stepped out of the bathroom whilst drying her hair, fully expecting to make an uninterrupted trip back to the upper deck, but someone was standing only a few feet away from her, startling her into a halt. "lena," she gasped, then breathed out softly as she lowered down her towel. "hi. i'm sorry. i just got back from practice..."

LENA

lena returned from class early today, making her way to her bedroom and reading a book as she passed the time until she could go out that evening. the majority of her lesson had been test prep she didn’t really need, so she decided to make her way back to her own apartment rather than waste her time with information she already knew well. she can hear when kara arrives home, the familiar rustling of bags the only indication the usually silent blonde was in the home. she continues reading her book, until she decides to make herself a light snack, heading to the kitchen only to run right into her shy roommate. lena isn’t overly surprised kara seems startled to see her. the blonde kept to herself and seemed more apt to avoid the other woman than to actively seek her out. not that lena minded, some people weren’t interested in being as social as an heiress socialite, and kara’s shyness allowed her to not feel like she had to impress or put on a show in their apartment. lena was introverted herself, not that she seemed it when she was out impressing her friends with equally impressive family names. “i didn’t know you played soccer.” lena muses with a little smile, realizing she didn’t know a lot about kara, which was a little disappointing. “the season must just be starting, you know if your parents come to town for any of your games they can stay here. i can make myself scarce for your family i really wouldn’t mind dear.”

KARA

their interactions prior to that evening haven't gone past polite greetings and quiet farewells, so for lena to actually bring up a topic that could potentially lead to a longer conversation was definitely a huge surprise for kara. she suddenly felt a little meek, curling her fingers into her towel as she stood a little taller, swallowing thickly as she searched for the right words to give back.  "i've only been with them for a few months so... i don't exactly have that place in the team... yet," she replied, which was true. whilst her coach had been impressed by her performance from high school, the truth was: there were better people already in the team, so the past few months have been dedicated into proving herself to her members and her coach, so she could at least have a place during the big event. kara chuckled quietly, almost sardonically, at the thought of her parents ever coming to any of her games. it was a funny thought, an impossible one, of course, considering that her parents were locked up and would never see the light of day again until they're ready to die. she shook her head gingerly and fiddled with the edge of her towel. "they're not coming," she said in lieu of the truth. "they never did. my- alex might come, though and she's just one person so..." she looked up at lena, only for a few, short seconds, before lowering her gaze down on her towel. it was an unspoken truth to kara, but it was undeniable how attractive her roommate was. "... anyway, you don't have to make yourself scarce. she can just stay in my bed."

LENA

lena’s lips curl into a reassuring smile as she notices kara’s fingers fiddling with the towel. she knew she made kara nervous, so she did her best to try to reassure her with gentle smiles when speaking to her. she wasn’t overly surprised her roommate was an athlete, kara was very physically fit. a fact lena herself was very aware of, even if she did her best not to gawk at her shy roommate’s body. she raises an eyebrow when kara laughs at the thought of her parents coming, a little surprised by that particular reaction. “your parents never come to your soccer games? that’s not very kind. is alex your sister?” lena asks, tilting her head. “i dont actually know much about your family, i suppose i’m a rotten roommate for not asking. i’m sure you know about my family, everyone does. though I promise lex is kinder than most people make him out to be. does your family live in town? is it just you and alex?” lex had been over a handful of times, though he hadn’t really interacted with kara directly. he typically likes to tease lena about her attractive roommate who was totally his sister’s type, but wasn’t about to scare kara by forcing her to speak to him.

KARA

sometimes, it is so easy to forget about reservations one has in life. the smile on lena's face isn't exactly new to kara; has always been directed quite a few of them every single day because despite the reputation that precedes her, kara has known her to be polite and kind to her. kara still doesn't appreciate the noisy friends coming over now and then during friday nights, but kara appreciates that her roommate has enough respect and cordiality for her to not antagonize her on a daily basis. but then the questions don't stop and kara finds herself wanting to brood more than anything else. it's a little surprising to know that her roommate, of all people - the very person she think who'd know everything about her given the number of people she surrounds herself with every day, doesn't know anything about the zorel case. she stomps her anger down and chooses to focus on the gratefulness that comes with lena's ignorance about the matter, but somehow, she knows that ignorance won't last very long. "they never came," she replies, choosing to be vague than direct instead. "and alex is not my sister. she's... someone special to me." it's at this point that kara finally remembers to walk away from the bathroom's entrance, hovering at the opposite side of the island instead so she's closer to her roommate without taking up too much personal space. "you're not rotten for it, don't worry. i haven't bothered asking you about your family, too, you know. i only know that you and your brother love to have parties and... that's it. i choose to create my own opinion about people instead of believing what others say about them."

LENA

lena raises an eyebrow, noticing the anger flash across kara’s face which surprises her. she had never seen her roommate irate, or even annoyed, so the fact she has a reaction to simple questions about her family is definitely something that she wasn’t expecting. kara’s answer is simple, it answers the question in so few words, lena can read the social cues to drop the questions about her family. “She’s special to you? Do you have a girlfriend I don’t know about?” Lena asks with a friendly chuckle, though her chest feels uncomfortable at the feeling of Kara having someone in her life. She tries not to overanalyze it, but she’s a bit jealous of this Alex character she had never met. she tilts to look at kara, smiling softly when kara assures her she’s not rotten. “that’s all you know about my family?” lena asks, a relieved smile on her lips. “thank god, this whole school seems obsessed with the perfect prestigious luthor family, and...they arent perfect. i hope you create your own opinion of them and dont listen to others, the luthors put on a public show.” lena says with a little rueful chuckle. “yes, we do like to have parties. you’ve never come to one by the way, and i was hoping you would.”

KARA

"she is-" kara blinks at the follow-up question, which immediately prompts a snort from her. the thought of dating alex is so laughable that she forgets her manners and inevitably drifts into a full-belly laugh. it takes her no more than two seconds to remember herself though, pursing her lips quickly with a subtle shake of her head. "alex is special to me, but not that special, i'm afraid. i'm too busy with sports and studies to ever consider having a partner. for now, anyway." kara reciprocates the smile, albeit softer and showing more in the crinkles around her eyes as she lowers herself on one of the stools. she's not the best when it comes to talking about family relationships, never really had one to base on other than alex and the danvers', so it is a little odd, makes her feel lost in navigating this particular topic. "so, you're celebrities, then. i think that's to be expected, no? you're filthy rich, your parents are out there, and..." she shrugs. "you have a brother who obviously cares a lot about you. and... about that," she chuckles in embarrassment. "parties aren't really my scene. the only party i've ever been was months ago, required by our captain for team building but, other than that, i prefer to stay here." she purses her lips. "i'm sorry."

LENA

lena smiles in relief when kara bursts into laughter at the thought of being with this alex character. she had never heard her roommate laugh like this, and she likes it. kara seems more relaxed,  more joyful when she’s laughing. “i’m sorry for assuming, well if alex is special to you she’s welcome here any time.” lena nods, celebrities was a fair word to describe the luthor family, even if she detested it, it was accurate. “my brother does care a lot about me. lex is rough around the edges and can be a bit much, especially at parties but he’s a good man and treats me well. he’s always been there for me since the luthors took me in. and, he’s my best safety when my filthy rich parents are out of line.” lena says, her tone serious for a moment before she quickly changes the subject, opening her mouth in a joking display of shock that kara hadn’t been to one of their parties. “maybe parties aren’t your scene but luthor parties are everyone’s scene. maybe i’ll convince you to come some day. you can bring alex.”

[tabrisfam]

You are exactly the kind of white person that the Asker on Dalishious's post is talking about, since you like both Anders and Solas and yet keep on talking about the flaws of Fenris, Sebastian and Dorian. Solas hates whole demographics doesnt he, he defends Mythal who owned slaves. Anders forces his Andrastian views onto Merrill, he downplays the suffering of elves, even he is okay with slavery. So, No you do not treat them like the same way you would treat a white character.

i like anders because i liked justice and because hes selfless and helps people and uses all his time and power to do good for the poor and persecuted, city elves included. he starts a revolution i support. he is also arrogant and ignorant to elven oppression. hes mean to merrill and he hates fenris so much hes okay with sending him back to danarius.

but he doesnt support slavery nor does he ever argue that its okay.

i like solas because i like his personality and because personally i think hes very charming. he supports and advocates for spirits and cares very deeply. he too is arrogant and stuck in his views and racist to a particular demographic. i cant say i support what hes trying to do but i understand why he does the things he does and why he thinks theyre the best solution to the worlds problems.

also, youre saying fen'harel, the guy who led the rebellion against slavery and freed slaves wherever he went, ur saying he is okay with slavery because he defended mythal? lmao

the difference is that sebastian is a full on catholic. i dont like catholics, period. i still have issues with leliana but at least she tries to make it better and is open to criticism. he also thinks hes had it as bad as the mages in the kirkwall circle. to be fair though, anders does constantly harass him in their dialogue. either way, he threatens to kill anders at the end of the game and gives hawke an ultimatum of "its either me or him" which is just pathetic. he also tries to attack kirkwall during dai simply because anders' associates might still be there. hes on the wrong side of the issue and extremely vengeful and ill be honest, i didnt even realize he was a person of color until people said he was.

im also glad gaider is out because he threatened me personally with writing a comic with bethany and sebastian adventuring together.

sebastian is also a rich dude who does fuck all, just like fenris! fenris is a dick, a dick to city elves, a dick to the dalish, a dick to the mages and anders especially. he sits in his big ass mansion and does dick and diddly all day long. he somehow easily bonds with hawke (a human. thats just shitty writing.) and is hostile to bethany from the start. he somehow hates mages but is okay with humans in general. not a single attempt at friendship from merrill is reciprocated and he instead arrogantly shoots her down each and every time and bullies her relentlessly. anders is whitesplaining at worst. fenris is just cruel with the intention of hurting her and bringing her down. i ask again, how is that an attractive trait on anyone?

and dorian, i like dorian. in the end i do like dorian. hes just not my type of guy, friend, whatever. but hes funny and friendly and genuine. i always end up befriending him because theres little we disagree on. he just doesnt care all that much about things i do care a lot about which makes him less attractive in terms of favorite character material. im still wary of people shipping pavellan because it might be a sign of them ignoring the fact that hes a wealthy tevinter human with history of slave owning and who actually does support slavery at one point. but most people do address that so its not actually an issue.

i know i tend to exaggerate in the posts (or tags) i write because explaining my feelings in full gets lenghty. so i take it back, i dont hate these three characters. i really only hate fenris and that is for the huge (and frankly uncritical) fanbase hes acquired for his broody personality and attractive fantastical appearance. sebastian is annoying at worst and dorian is overall a good guy with some shit opinions. neither of these three is a type of character i tend to like. tho i did like sasuke when i was 14.

you know who else i really really dont like? cullen! hes white! and bioware tries really hard to make me like him. but hes neither my type of character and neither is he in any shape or form a good, smart, honest person. and dalishious does a much better job at pointing out all of the reasons why one should despise cullen.

i also really dont like carver! whos also white. and also voluntarily joins the templar order even when hawke returns from the deep roads with enough fortune to instantly move up to high town. and who is a constant ass to hawke no matter what they do or say.

i cant even say i liked awakening anders because i didnt. he was sleezy and inappropriate.

im also not a huge fan of morrigan because she too is often mean for no apparent reason.

and thats about it. thanks for giving me something to do on the train tho.

[geminimoonbeamx]

Of All The Things Unsaid

A/N: Lately my life has been emotionally taxing af and I needed to project it somewhere. I’ve never written anything quiet like this- I hope you guys get some enjoyment out of it? Side note- listen to Goodbye by Apparat if you really want to hurt. 

Rating: Pretty M- heavy cursing, sexual situations, drug use and character death. All around heartbreak.

Summary: You loved him, and he loved you. That’s the tragedy of it all, isn’t it? A Bucky x Plus Size Reader one-shot

You and Bucky had a routine.

One that was easily fallen into- that you'd stuck to for months. Seven months and two weeks, give or take, to be exact...christ. Had it really been over  half a year since that fateful night in the thirty first floor commons? The one where he had been plagued by old demons, and you by new ones and the electric attraction that had always fizzed between the two of you, the one that you’d both shyly ignored and toyed with, had finally come to a head that night.

Both of you need a crutch. Something tangible that could quiet the dark thoughts that we’re pitt like in your head. You could keep them at bay during the day time- but there, in the midnight haze it was harder. 

And you’d found it, something to quiet your head, that chilly night in December.

In his arms, your back pressed against his chest as the two of you had turned your friendly cuddling on the expensive couch, into slow, deep dry humping. The kind where he had been panting in your ear hot and present and so real and you’d let out sweet little hums as you pressed your ass into his crotch, like you’d been wanting to for so long.

When he finally kissed you, his big hand cradling your jaw as he turned your head and sealed his lips over yours, you should have known you we’re way in over your head.

You thought you’d felt good before- thought you’d felt pleasure and attraction and all that good stuff- but kissing Bucky felt euphoric on a level that was, and is, still hard to comprehend. The way his lips felt, soft and firm and scratchy because of his close cut beard. Wet and warm and searching.

After that night, after the two of you had made each other come so many times that there was no room in your lust ridden heads for darkness-

The routine had started.

It only happens twice a month, on good months usually. Sometimes, rare times, its an opposite case and the two of you fuck every day for a week.

But it always goes a little something like this:

The two of you act normal around each other in public- like you haven't tasted every part of each other there is to taste; spit and come and the breath from each others lungs,

and the team is none less the wiser. For the most part- you do however work with the top agents, assassins and superheros in the world. A couple of people have figured out. Everyone keeps their respected space though, which is appreciated..

It’s always you asking for it.

By text, or call. By small touches and longing glances. You’d figured that it was because he still wasn't the best at asking for what he wanted, at first. That maybe it was just him not being the boldest crayon in the box.

But everyday he seemed to bloom brighter- Steve frequently telling him stories about the “old days”, about Bucky in his prime and how much of himself he had gotten back. That swagger- he’d never lose it. That magnetism, that charm that lied just beneath the surface. Well it wasn't so hidden anymore.

He smiled. Cracked jokes. Was a stark contrast to the man that you’d first met, all those years ago in an airport in Berlin.

And yet, for some reason, he continued to keep you at arms length. Sometimes farther then that actually.

He made you feel...so many things. Overwhelming things. For one, no man had ever put the effort into your body and making you feel good. Bucky would wring three, sometimes four orgasms out of you before he even fucked you some nights. Would make you scream and writhe and beg and then quiet you, by giving you even more.

It was more then the sex, too. It was the tenderness. It was the way he’d drag his hands, and his mouth across every part of you. All the parts you’d kept hidden. Jiggly parts, sagging, marked. Scars and stretch marks, Bucky didn't mind. He liked all of you. He wanted all of you, on those nights.

Worshiped every part of you.

And you did the same. All the ugly he saw about himself, you saw none of it. He was all hard muscle and sinew covered in soft skin and soft hair. Adonis, Apollo, Zeus himself. A god, your god.

Being on your knees for him, just felt so right.

At first.

But then…

Well there’s only so much one’s pride can take. Especially someone like you, who had always been so, so prideful. Out of the seven deadlies, that one had always gotten you into the most trouble.

It wasn't just that you always had to reach out first; the multiple calls and texts that it took to get through to him sometimes. Getting left on seen could make anyone itch, irritated.

But it was the fact that he’d open up to you, just tiny fragments and little bits at a time, and then close all the way up. Ziplock style. Airtight and unyielding

In the darkness of your room, or his; in soft sheets warmed by each other’s body heat you cracked open like an egg for him. Spilled your guts, yellow yolk of your soul to him as he massaged your scalp, his fingers tangling in your hair. Pressed kisses that seared into your skin.

He listened to you, talked to you. Laughed with you. Fucked you- hard and mercilessly and then gently like you were the most important thing, the most fragile, beautiful thing.

The intimacy that had built between the two of you was overwhelming and one day it slapped you in the face, knocked the breath out of your lungs that you we’re very, very much in love with him.

And Bucky? Well you could tell that those feelings we aren't reciprocated.

He didn't want this, whatever this was, to exist outside of the moments where it was hidden in the cover of starry nights and locked rooms.

It wasn't like you'd never experienced this before, because you had. Many a time. It came with the territory of being a plus sized woman in a world we’re European beauty standards didn't quite cover you.

Bucky wasn't embarrassed of you. You strongly believed that...at first.

He just wasn't ready for any kind of relationship. Not yet. Maybe later on…

But seven months later and you we’re starting to doubt what his intentions we’re.

It was little things:

The pats on the shoulder he gave you in front of the team.

The way him and that agent- the SHIELD one who was nice enough but looked at him like a piece of steak- seemed to be so chummy.

The way he ardently argued that he didn't want to go do things in the daylight; he was tired. Beat from missions. Hated people. Just wanted to be with you, or so he said. 

--

The beginning of the end came one night. After a long intense session of Bucky pounding you into the mattress, of his grinding hips and bruising lips-

“How was therapy today?” You questioned innocently as he laid his head on your chest. You played with the damp, sweat dried, tendrils of his hair idly.

“It was okay” Was all the answer you got.

“Yeah? How is it going with her? I was talking to Dr. Tessa(your own therapist) and she said that she was one of the best?” You press on. You shouldn't have.

Bucky looks up at you, resting his chin on your soft breast “I miss the ones in Wakanda, but she’s fine I guess. I just need to get to know her a little better before I can say for sure, you know? It’s not...easy...for me to talk about som’a the shit in my head”

Yeah you did know. You play with his hair a little more, as he stares at you and waits.

“You know you can talk to me, always. About anything, right?” you say, forcing yourself to look into his storm blue eyes. He blinks, long. And then looks away.

“I know. But trust me when I say you don't want that, Y/N” He announces after a moment and starts to pull himself from your breast, from you. From this conversation.

“I don't really think you know what I want” You reply strongly, holding on to him. Trying to keep him close.

It doesn't work. He’s stronger than you, in more ways than one.

The two of you lay there on your backs, for longer then a moment. Staring at the ceiling.

You don't know why you feel like crying, but this feels like all those thoughts that you’d had bubbling up- you knew he didn't want more and here you we’re, pushing anyway. He must be getting annoyed. Must be sick of the constant texts. Of you buzzing around him-

“What do you want?” His deep, velvet voice rings out in the dark room and you force yourself to stay calm. With his hearing, he’d pick up if your breathing changed. If you started sobbing.

Because you cant tell him- can't stand the idea of his rejection.

“I just want you to be able to trust me like I trust you” You whisper back and he wiggles closer so that your shoulders touch.

“I do trust you” He chuckles and you're happy he keeps it so damn dark in this room. If you guys we’re in yours there would be candles everywhere. He’d see your face and the expression on it.

“Then what happened on the mission? You came back...in pretty bad shape”

“It went south- I was able to get it right again. What happened in between isn't really any of your concern, baby doll” you wonder if he means to sound so? Void.

“But I am concerned...if you wanted to talk about it, about any of it-”

“I dont Y/N. Especially not tonight, okay?”

Ouch.

But you guess it was warranted. You we’re trying to make him do things he didn't want to. Trying to make him feel things he didn't.

You had no right.

“Okay, I understand. Um, sorry. I can go” You start as you sit up.

Where had he thrown your shirt?  You’re scrambling, trying to locate your clothes in the dark while pulling the sheet to your chest because it doesn't feel right to be naked around him anymore “I’ll go. I just”

“No, you dont have to” Bucky protests, as he sits up too,

and reaches for you  

You avoid his grabby hands and slide out of his bed. Hah, there's your shirt, tossed haphazardly on his night stand.

“Really, Bucky it’s okay” You insist, feeling stupid as you flail around in the dark, hunting for your pajama bottoms. Hating yourself and this situation. Why? Had you let it get this far.

“Doll, Y/N. Stop” He schooches to the end of the bed and grabs your small, doughy hand in his large one. You look down at him, can make out the silhouette of him staring up at you.

“Stay” is all he has to say.

And you should go. Protect what's left of your heart and run.

But you crawl back into the circle of his arms.

You don't feel much better as you drift to sleep. But you know he does, as he nuzzles his nose in your hair. Makes that almost purring sound he does when he’s truly content.

And you realize...you’ve traded your happiness for his.

Would move heaven and earth to see this man that had been through so much pain smile. Even if it hurt you. 

--

Days later- the nail is driven into the coffin when you happen to stumble upon a set of assassins in a conference room.

That sounds unlikely right? Like the universe would have to set it up for that to even happen?

You’d been running an errand for Pepper-  not minding because to you she was the queen of the universe and you liked hanging out with her, made you feel normal even though you’re literally the farthest from, when you stopped in your tracks.

The hallway outside the cracked conference room isn’t empty, assistants and Stark industry employees with clearance to this level  walk freely.

You think that’s how you manage to spy on the spy’s.

They speak in broken Russian, Bucky and Natasha.

He’s sat on one of the swivel chairs and she’s perched on the table.

You admit, you don’t hear much, as you stand by the door, just out of sight. Lurking in the shadows doesn’t feel as cool as it looks in movies.

“I don’t know, Natalia. It’s just- I’m overwhelmed a little bit by it. By her” Bucky admits, jaw clenching for a moment. You can only see the back of his head really but you can imagine he doesn’t look to pleasant.

“Then you need to tell her. She deserves to know” Natasha argues, soft and firm in that way that only she can pull of.

Overwhelmed? Who is She? Are you she? Is she you?

“She doesn’t deserve it- I- I don’t want to mess her up over it” Bucky goes on but Natasha cuts him off.

“So just being distant is your game plan? What? Are you just going to be an ass until she gets the point? You and Y/N both deserve better then that” and then she speaks in Russian, it sounds like a curse. She punctuates it with a shake of her head.

Your heart is pounding. You’re surprised he can’t hear it. It’s making you dizzy, it feels like it’s going to jump out of your chest- she said your name. It is you they’re talking about.

You should leave. Why are your feet suddenly cemented to the ground?

They speak in Russian some more and you’re really trying to grasp it some of it so you can look it up on google translate.

“I just need space to figure it out ? You’re not making it any better! I already feel like shit about everything, okay?” Bucky snaps in English and ice water floods your veins.

You knew it. You had overwhelmed him. He didn’t know how to let you down easy. He’s telling Natasha as much and you’ve never felt so embarrassed, shamed in your life.

You cling to the thin tablet full of documents Pepper had sent you away with, cling until your fingers ache and force yourself to walk away.

You don’t want to hear anymore. Think you’ll literally be sick if you do.

You’re halfway down the hallway, all but running away from the scene you’d stumbled on. You don’t have super soldier hearing, so you don’t hear the rest of the conversation-

“She deserves more than me. It doesn’t matter that I love- that I feel how I feel about her. She’s- she’s fucking sunshine. And I’m-“ Bucky struggled to get out. He feels so much for you, it’s hard to put it in words.

“A good man?” Natasha interjects with a raised brow. Daring him to deny it.

“Tainting her” Bucky corrects her. And he’s wrong, so wrong but he thinks he’s right and he’s so stubborn and Natasha knows not even she will get him to budge.

“If you don’t tell her how you feel, you’re going to lose her. You ready to deal with that, soldat?”

And Bucky's mouth gets dry at the thought.

What he doesn’t realize, in that moment, is he already has. 

--

It starts off with you being more distant towards him then you ever had. You keep a wide berth, never in the same space as him unless forced. Team meetings and meals/ but even then you are all but running away from him.

You used to text him all of the time- memes, asking him about his day. Little things that made him glow bright.

Not anymore- there’s radio silence from you now. He dims a little darker every day that he receives nothing from you.

Weeks go by. You drift further from him and it’s like his heart is unraveling in his hands. He can’t manage to pull on a string that will pull you back to him- when he tries it just seems to unravel further.

He texts. Multiple times. An embarrassing amount of times.

You don’t even read them. Don’t even open them.

He goes out of his way to aim conversations at you when you are around- and you avoid it. The awkwardness handing heavy around you as you avoid talking to him directly.

He wants to see you. He misses you. Wants you. Your skin and your laughter and your eyes- the way they used to be soft and accepting for him always.

What happened? Had you finally realized just how fucked up he was? Finally come to the conclusion that you needed to cut it off.

He hasn’t felt like this since before the war. He remembers the way heartbreak tastes, acidic and at the back of his throat.

Had it ever burnt this bad, though? Cut this deep?

He hates everything, the pain causing him to dig up old wounds.

He hates Hydra and what they did to him. He hates that he’s not dead, that it would take a hell of a lot to kill him now.

He hates that it takes Asgardian mead to get him drunk and Thor seems to be out of it at the moment and it takes three hundred years to brew.

He hates that Steve and Natasha and Sam seem to pick up on his sour mood and won’t leave him the fuck alone. He hates that Natasha had him thinking for even a moment that you loved him back.

He can’t hate you though. It would probably be easier than loving you, but Bucky can’t do anything but love you. It’s like he was built to love you- to adore you with every fiber of his being.

He’s tainted goods. Some days he feels like he’s redeemed himself- or at least is on that road. And others he feels the blood on his hands threaten to drown him.

He wasn’t kidding when he said you were sunshine - that you’d come into his life and brightened it in a way that he couldn’t have expected. That he now realized he didn’t deserve.

Bucky takes every mission he can. Anything to run away from the pain of you not loving him back. 

--

Three months later; Tony Stark decides to have a party. It’s not a rare occurrence by any means. This ones a luncheon for the reinstatement of SHIELD.

It’s a controversial topic and not everyone is on board, but the decor is beautiful and the catering is superb.

You’d forced yourself into your old routines- ones that didn’t involve Bucky. Kickboxing, yoga. Gotten your sleep schedule back to where it was- at least when you weren’t on missions. Flew back home whenever you could to see your family. Spent time with your friends *couch, Wanda*

You were still fucking devastated, but you were maintaining.

No one would ever know that you were heart broken beyond repair; not with the pretty, black and long sleeved off the shoulder pencil dress you wore. Not with how perfectly sculpted and highlighted your face was- your hair shiny and styled.

You charm with the best of them; mingling with the three hundred or so SHIELD agents, Stark employees and congress people.

If there’s one thing you’d worked hard to perfect in your time as an Avenger- it was your public persona. Your game face. It’s why you always made sure to look presentable, all caked up and girly. Being fat, you already had to try 10x harder than you would, but also being enhanced? A mutant? A previously labeled terrorist? Oh yeah, the game face was a must.

It breaks when you see Bucky at the bar, laughing with that agent. The pretty red headed one who looked at him like the whole meal he was; petite and tight all over, you’d be lying to yourself and also being the world's biggest hater to deny her beauty.

He looked...like he was having a good time. Laughing with her and Sam and Steve. Looked right next to her.

He had a thing for redheads, any how, right? Steve had mentioned one from the forties and him and Natasha…

Maybe you’d never been his type. That would make it all make sense.

You excused yourself from the conversation.

“Are you okay?” Wanda can feel you bubbling and you smile and nod, like you always do, but she knows you feel like you’re dying.

She can feel it, too.

“I just- um- I’m going to go powder my nose, or something”

Powdering your nose equals you doing a line of coke in a private bathroom. Trying to recenter yourself enough to go on with the rest of the lunch.

You knew it would help, it always did. Had been getting you through some nasty shit as of late.

So you suck up those fine white lines, off of one of your credit cards and let them turn the chaos in your head to a dull buzz. The drip tastes foul, but feels good, as good as you’re going to get.

You make sure your nose is clean, that your hair is fluffed and your lipstick is re applied. No evidence of what had happened.

You don’t need to be labeled the coke head superhero. You doubt that will do for the teams image.

Running into Bucky in hallway on your way back- well considering your life and luck, you shouldn’t have been surprised.

Hell, there were literal hundreds of hallways in this building- and yet there he was.

In his form fitting charcoal trousers and his black button down. With his hair pulled back into low bun. His sharp jaw on display.

You miss kissing it. Missed the way it felt beneath your lips.

“Hey…” you trail off. Feeling alien and high and anxious.

He keeps his eyes trained downwards at you, like he can’t look away and internally you squirm.

“Hi- it’s um, good to see you” He gruffs, sounding equally as awkward as you feel “I- you haven’t been around much lately”

“Yeah, I guess not”

He bites the inside of his cheek.

“I hope you’re doing alright” is all he can think to say, out of all the things in his head, that’s what he chooses.

And you can’t help it. You snort. At the audacity.

After all he’d put you through, for him to say that? God, why is your life like this?

“I’m fine, Bucky, if you’d excuse me” you try to walk around him and it’s like muscle memory, like he doesn’t even have control of himself.

His blood and bone hand reaches out and grabs your wrist, halting you.

Your stomach bubbles with emotion.

“I-I miss you” Bucky whispers. He’s so close you can feel that heat you’d longed for radiating from his body. You can smell him. Taste him on the back of your tongue…

“That’s so not fair” you protest, looking him in the eye as you say it. For the first time, mustering up your courage and saying your piece “You don’t get to say that to me- not after I literally begged you- you pushed me away, Bucky”

“I know”

“You did this to me. Fuck” your voice is shaky and his eyes are pained.

“I know, doll baby, I’m so sorry. If we could just, if you could just let me-“ You hate that you want to cave. That seeing him this hurt destroys you.

You can’t let him finish. You’ll want to do what he says, you’ll want to make him happy again.

And you can’t trade your happiness for his anymore.

“No, I can’t. I just can’t, so please let me go. I have to go” you tug your wrist out of his grip and he lets you. His own hand, balled into a fist slapping back down to his thigh as he watches you walk as fast as your heels will carry you down the hallway.

Away from him.

His face feels numb as the tears rim in his eyes.

Everything in his body tells him to chase you- but you’d asked him to let you go and although it feels wrong, and he hates it, he’ll do as you asked. 

--

It was supposed to be a routine mission. Not exactly an in and out, taking down a Hydra cell in Beirut.

You, Steve, Bucky, Natasha and Tony were supposed to be more than enough. Supposed to be, being the key word.

Hydra was a lot of things, never to be underestimated. And you guys hadn’t. All the recon, didn’t prepare you for the fact that they had been planning on you guys finding them.

There were extra men. It was a fire fight- with Tony in the sky and Steve and Bucky literally ripping men limb from limb in an attempt to even the ante-

You hold your own, your training coming in handy.

But it all happens so fast.

Youre caught mid teleport.

You feel a crushing weight in your chest. You just think you’d just been punched, hard. It’s just pressure, really, until the man in tax gear pulls the large knife from your flesh.

Blood, your blood dripping coating and dripping from the blade that had just been embedded in you,

Cold shock runs through you and your ears ring so loud you can’t hear anything over them. He goes to plunge it back, but your eyes snap closed and you use all of your energy to teleport from his arms.

You don’t get far. Falling in a heap at his feet, but it gives you enough time to watch the bullet pierce his head from behind. A bullet in his forehead oozing before he drops, dead weight beside you.

Youre gasping. Both hands clutching at your chest that you almost can’t feel. It doesn’t hurt, and that scares you more.

No pain. That’s bad right?

No pain, but your hands are slippery wet and when you look at them, coated in crimson.

No pain but you can’t catch your breath. Can’t take a breath. Are gasping around the hole inside you.

Then there’s black pant clad legs infront of you, heavy combat boots familiar, before you’re laid on your back, a hand coming to cradle the back of your head, tilting it off or her cold, cement floor.

Then, you’re looking up at Bucky who has yanked off his eye mask and who is staring down at you, his blue eyes wide. Scared, more fear then you’ve ever seen in them

His pink lips moving. He’s saying something but your ears are ringing so loudly still.

“B-Bucky” you gasp. Really- it comes out as more of a gurgle. Fear runs through you at the sound of it and you tremble.

“You’re okay, it’s okay, Y/N. Don’t talk- we have to keep pressure on the wound” he moves your hands so that his big one can hold the wound. Yours instantly reach to grip his, bloody fingers intertwining.

You’re leaking.

From your eyes and your mouth. From the hole. Tears and blood and soul exiting your body.

And all Bucky can do is watch. Is grasp you, try to keep pressure as he screams into his com that you need a medevac, that you’re hurt bad, that you need help bad.

He’s usually stony, calm. All his years in the army, and then in Hydra. He’s always calculated on missions.

How can he be calculated when you’re dying. When there’s nothing he can do. When sunlight is melting in his hands.

“I-“ it’s a gurgle again, bloody and frothy and your eyes unfocus. “B-b-b”

“Shh, baby, please don’t talk. It’s alright, you’re gonna be o-kay” he chokes on a sob because it’s a lie. You’re not. He knows the human body- he knows that where the knife had pierced you- he’d hit an artery.

You’re bleeding out, he knows it- you have minutes. Less than. And there’s nothing he can fucking do.

You don’t hurt, you want to tell him. It’s okay. You want to tell him.

I love you so much.

You’re so stupid for never telling him.

You try to open your mouth but it’s full- you can’t swallow and blood flows from the corners. Into your hair, across your face.

Instead you smile, and it’s bloody and morbid, and you squeeze his hand with both of yours. It’s weak and barley there but he can feel it. He squeezes back.

Squeezes long after you’ve gone limp and the spark, all that light and life and vibrance, leaves your eyes. Until Steve grabs his shoulder, forces him to let go of you. Of your corpse.

I love you, he thinks as he watches Tony, in his iron man suit, carry you away. You’re limp and stiff in his metal arms.

I love you.

Neither of you ever got the chance to tell each other.

And now you never will. 

@peacefulwriter88 @geekyweed @gifsbysimplysonia @prettybubblesintheair @lostinthoughtsandfeelings @lostinspace33 @4theluvofall @plumfondler @jaamesbbarnes @jalapenobarnes @sad-af1121 @thatawkwardtinyperson @brieannakeogh @paulxrudd @prettyyoungtragedy @whichwayisthebeach-seabass @shay-iamiam @kagome1414 @thejamesoldier @papi-chulo-bucky @spidey-babe-parker @rachelle-on-the-run

Aaaaaaand all I can say is I’m sorry? That I don’t know where this came from and I apologize for trauma? I love you guys?

Let me know what you thought of this one and we can all be sad together.