echolovescats

[echolovescats]

27.11.24

i'm jealous of the old me. she was terrible and she still had you.

[echolovescats]

27.11.24

i realized that i'm starting to forget what you look like. first i forgot which arm you had your tattoos on, and then the mole on your cheek. was it on your left or right? which side of your head had that tiny little baby dreadlock? its terrifying to me that you're being erased from my memory. slowly. piece by piece. i hate that the things i knew like the back of my hand back then i just cannot remember now. i hate that i'm getting older without you. i hate the thought that every day the distance between the me that had you and the me i am now grows. every day i feel worse knowing that our time together keeps getting buried further and further away into history. you always find a new way to haunt me. it's hurting me in ways i never thought were possible. i don't know how long i can keep doing this.

[echolovescats]

31.10.24

i think i'm cursed to see you in every beautiful thing i ever come across.

[echolovescats]

28.05.2024

i wanted to talk to someone about my love life(?) today but realized i don't actually want anyone to know about it so here i am writing about it here where no one will ever see. i currently have 5 love interests in my head but i know for certain nothing is going to happen with any of them (with maybe the exception of the last one).

no 1: the unforgettable ex (scorpio)

it has been over a year since she broke up with me but i still think about her all the time. she's the best person i have ever known. every day i have some small thing remind me of her and i want to k myself because i treated her so horribly i cannot even begin to describe it. it's almost like i was possessed by a demon or something truly evil when i was with her. i still feel disgusted with myself over those days. i think she was the best thing that ever happened to me and i was the worst thing that ever happened to her. the way i fumbled her is the biggest regret of my life. deep down i still hope we are soulmates and maybe one day our paths will cross like a movie but the realist part of me knows it will never happen. i honestly believe she is better off without me which is why i plan on never breaking our no contact. i truly hope she is happy.

no 2: the strict (ex) coworker (taurus)

i felt attraction towards him the first time i saw him but i never thought that things would come to this. i had this friend that mocked me for it at the time but we ended up making out a few times when we were drunk. it quickly became awkward after that. i spoke to my friends about him and they said that he still had feelings for his ex which is why it wouldn't work and that i should just give up. he also said some stuff about only liking foreign girls. i still liked him maybe even more after our kiss but i think he thought less of me after that. he was also annoyed with everything i did. he didn't say anything to me about it but he never hesitated to put other people in their place which only made him hotter in my eyes. he had everything i could ever want and more. the only problem was that he was a bit of a fboy and he kinda sorta hated me. if that changed i totally would date him.

no 3: the toxic youngster (aries)

i think we may be the same person. he's the exact same me that i was with the 1st ex that was mentioned but there was a sweetness to it. i cannot explain it. the toxicity gives it an excitement that was missing from the other ones. i hate him with my guts but also we could be incredible together. we would be the it couple that did all sorts of crazy things but i know it will not work. it seems nice at the surface but i know myself and i know how i will want to live peacefully after a while. i'm not built for a crazy life all the time. of course i want craziness every now and then but always? i couldn't handle it. also we're going to be working together in a few weeks. that's why it has to remain as a fantasy.

no 4: the horny gymbro (virgo)

i'm sorry to start like this but he's a bit stupid. he has really nice arms and a great face but his personality is nowhere to be found. we made out a few times and it was okay but i learned he wrote to a close friend of mine after that. that was quite shtty of him but i guess i can't say anything about that because i also spoke with his friend for a bit afterwards. i think this one is purely physical because when i see him i still blush but i know in my head i want nothing to do with him.

no 5: the cute barista (???)

he works at the cafe we're a regular at. and by we i mean me, my mom and my dad. we have been going there for a few years and i thought he was cute from the moment i saw him. i don't know a lot of things about him but i know he loves and cares for animals and has a few pets. a dog and some cats i believe. he has tattoos which are always a plus. and he just looks kind. i don't know how to explain it but i feel like he would treat me right. he would be gentle and caring and idk loving? i got ready to see him a few times this week and visited the cafe but had no luck. i was planning on finding something to start a conversation with but i know i'll just get shy and won't shoot my shot anyway. my friends are saying that maybe he quit. i doubt that but it's still technically a possibility i guess. i could ask the owner of the cafe (he's a close friend of my parents) if/when he's working but i don't want to risk him catching on (he will be very annoying about it every time i go there). maybe i'll take my crochet and go there after work tomorrow.

that is all for now i suppose.

[echolovescats]

28.05.2024

there's this twitter account i follow where a bot tweets zodiac sign stuff every hour. i think it's scarily accurate and i check it every day. sometimes it says someting about both our signs and i think of you. i wonder if you still check my horoscope too.

[echolovescats]

28.05.2024

when i was little we had a trampoline place near our house. I loved going there so much i used to beg my mom every day until she eventually agreed. they had a very short foreign hits playlist that consisted of mostly inna songs that played on a loop. i used go 2 or 3 rounds each time we went there. i still remember the feeling of getting off the trampoline for the first time after jumping for a while and the ground felt like it was moving. it was my favorite thing in the entire world. today when i got off from work i sat on my bike at the entrance of our house, listening to some music. when i got off my feet felt funny. it made me think of that after trampoline feeling. i have been feeling really sad lately for no apparent reason. my period has just ended and i haven't had any particularly sad experience. maybe it's seasonal depression or something. an old friend that i no longer speak to sent me a reel yesterday. it was funny and i did enjoy it but i didn't reply. i didn't want to acknowledge the fact that i hadn't completely disappeared from her life like i wanted to. i don't want the people i no longer see as a part of my life to remember that i exist. it feels weird. i have always felt like people only acted like i mattered when they needed me to do something for them and not because they actually cared about me. maybe they truly do not care and i was right all along. i don't know. maybe they only watch my stories just so they can send them to each other to make fun of me. maybe they just forgot to mute me. i think i lost the point of what i wanted to say. i don't even remember anymore.

[echolovescats]

21.3.24

my hair is touching my back again. the last time it did you still loved me. could it be a sign? maybe not. i dreamt of you every day this week. maybe that's the sign. are you thinking about me too?

i live with the fear that one day i will wake up and realize the time we spent apart became longer than the time we spent together and i dont know what i will do then.

[echolovescats]

21.3.24

i feel so tired all the time. i come home from work and lay down almost immediately. i dont have the energy to do anything. i think i hate my job. i hate having to talk to people all day every day. i hate the people i work with. i hate standing up all day. my feet hurt so much i cant even walk home most days. i bought myself a bike. i used to be terrified of riding a bike so much so that i cried in front of my friends twice because of it. i got over it though. all it took was dropping out of college, a hardcore breakup, losing all those friends and moving to a different city. sometimes instagram archives remind me of the previous year and it makes me tear up. i miss my exgirlfriend with every grain of my being. i hate how it ended. i hate the version of myself i was back then. i wish i could go back and undo everything i ever did. i wish i could take every speck of myself out of everyones lives. i wish they never knew me. i just really want to disappear forever. sometimes when im in traffic i close my eyes with the hopes of getting into a crash and dying. maybe id be in a coma for a long time. maybe then id finally feel well rested. i told this to one of my coworkers today and she looked at me like i was crazy. i mean i know i am crazy but i just thought everyone had those thoughts from time to time (maybe a little less frequent than mine). apparently not. i think i hate the new version of me too. i realized im turning into a mixture of people i see every day and i dont want that. where is my individuality? do i even know who i am? even when i do things i think i want i still question whether i actually want it or i think i want it because i conditioned myself into thinking it. does that make sense? is anyone even reading this? do i care?

[echolovescats]

12.2.24

i thought what i wanted was to be understood but i guess that wasnt the case. i think what i really need is to feel like i belong. that is something i always struggled with my entire life. i mean both, really, but i found a few people who came close to understanding me. i never felt like i belonged anywhere though. maybe someday when i feel that i'll finally be happy.

[echolovescats]

charlie cox as matt murdock in marvel's daredevil 3.03

[echolovescats]

13.1.24

i really wish my mom treated me with half the love she treats our cat. i know its silly to think like this at age 24 but i cant help it. yesterday i went to a friends house after work and we chatted over tea and played a motorcycle racing game. went home 1 hour later than i usually do but my dad called me twice to ask me where i was even when i said i was going there like 4 days ago. anyway i had a good time there and was even consdering staying over but then i realized that my parents would cause an issue so decided against it. i had my day off today so i was rotting in bed as one does when mom ccame in and started to yell at me out of nowhere. i was just laying down. didnt even do anything. if our cat was a bit calm and was laying down doing nothing she wouldnt have yelled at him. she would pick him up in her arms and ask him if he was okay. am i worth less than a cat? dont get me wrong i love that cat. i would die for him but at the same time would my mom do that for me? i dont think she would. i know guests make her tense but is it right for her to take it out on me? she's the one who invited them in the first place. i wasnt even supposed to be in the house today. couldnt she just have pretended that that was the case? dont i deserve to have ONE day off in peace where i was free to do NOTHING? im so sick and tired of having to do THINGS all the time. i need to rest. i need everything to just STOP. i think i need to stop existing for a while. i really wish that was possible.

[echolovescats]

13.1.24

falling in love with someone is so weird. i dont know why but i always fall for ppl who hate me. i think it happens because of my need to be loved by everyone. i think that if i can make that person love me i can make EVERYONE love me and it makes me feel kinda good about myself. i need him to be obsessed with me. i need him to be so blinded by his obsession that he cannot see my flaws or just not care i guess. i dont even know if he hates me but i think he does. he doesnt treat me the same way he treats others. he acts cold and distant. i think he thinks if he acts friendly towards me i'll take it as a yes sign and fall in love with him and it'll be awkward between us or something. i mean maybe he's right because im definitely in love with him already. we only kissed a few times like 2 months ago when we were both drunk and i still dont know how to act around him. it probably meant nothing to him but i just cannot stop thinking about that night and how he was so attentive and caring and how he caught my eye everytime i looked at him. it made me feel special like he only had eyes for me and i liked it. i liked how he held my hand and took me dancing. how he got jealous of me and how playful he got. how his hands felt on my skin and how beautiful he looked in the park under the moonlight. i know he's kind of a fuckboy and he talks to like 4 girls at once but maybe i can fix him (famous last words). he's really smart and he's great at everything he does and he's funny and everytime he makes me laugh it makes me like him even more. i can feel myself becoming softer and more affectionate around him. i try to look into his eyes but he usually doesnt reciprocate. he has really gorgeous soulful brown eyes. im going to start working on his floor next week. i have no idea how things will go. im not even supposed to know this information yet but i feel giddy because maybe i'll see him more idk. maybe i'll see him even less. maybe this is me finally getting what i deserve like they said in a zodiac sign video. maybe it'll be good for me. maybe i'll finally feel like i belong. maybe i'll finally feel good enough. i doubt it. even when people tell me i'm good at something i think to myself "theyre just saying that to be nice. they feel sorry for you" i cannot get over that. it suffocates me. i read somewhere that daddy issues makes painters and mommy issues makes writers. is this me admitting i have mommy issues?

[echolovescats]

[echolovescats]

[echolovescats]

[echolovescats]

♡ thinking about them ♡

[echolovescats]

Written in the stars.