#…I guess the actual object is spelled without an E but whatever

[diltonsstrangescience]

Background-less versions :)

[youmaycallmebrian]

(Initially put these in the tags but since I'm an early childhood educator who works in daycare I think I'm maybe qualified enough to give somewhat of an opinion? I guess? Based on my knowledge in the subject and personal experience)

Yes, please do teach your children to play by themselves (alone or with sibling or with friends, but I mean without an adult). Of course there's always exceptions but usually when children are used to always be playing with the adults, they become kinda lost during playtime at the daycare. Like, from my experience, these kids just don't really play when the adult isn't playing with them (bc the adult has like 7 other lil munchkins in the group to watch over and write observations on and to accompany in their games too) and they end up having unpleasant behaviours (sometimes out of boredom or confusion or out of wanting the adult's attention) like creating conflicts with other children and stuff like that. So I think it's important they learn to not depend on the adult to be able to play.

HOWEVER. HOWEVER. H O W E V E R. THAT DOESN'T MEAN "NEVER PLAY WITH THEM".

PLEASE DO PLAY WITH THEM SOMETIMES!!!

Children develop and learn by playing. That's how they explore the world, how they discover it, how they find themselves. By playing!

So, creating a good relationship with them is going to be so so so much easier if you play with them.

I know sometimes the idea of playing with a child can be kind of intimidating and daunting obviously because the of the age gap but also sometimes due to having different interests. But sometimes "playing" is actually so much easier than you think. With babies and toddler, sometimes playing is literally just taking whatever object they place in your hand. Showing them a cool thing to do with it. "Eating" that plastic soup they made for you. "Buy" that apple they're selling with their imaginary market. "React" to the spell they just put on you with that magic wand. Heck, you can even go a bit further and give them missions/tasks (and include your interests as well!)

Here's an example: one of the kids at the daycare was making potions in the sandpit. It reminded me of doing alchemy in Skyrim, my fav video game. So I asked him to brew me a "resist cold" potion and I asked him to fetch some imaginary ingredients that I remembered from the game (a nirnroot, a butterfly wing, a giant's toe, fire salts, elf ears...) and honestly??? We BOTH had so much fun with it?? Unironically?? Like I was finding it so fun to remember stuff like that from my game and finding stuff in nature to pretend it was the actual ingredient, and the kid was so fascinated by the weird ingredient names I said (and he was laughing so hard at like the giant's toe lmao).

And in pretend-play, you can also act as a guide and bring their games a step further. Like, make suggestions. Ask questions. "Complicate" their scenarios.

Example: the kids are pretend-playing superheroes. Ask them what their powers are. Share with them what your power would be. Uh-oh, you just saw the villain behind that rock! He captured your cat and locked him in a cage on top of that tree! What are the kids going to do to save your cat? What powers will they need? Oh, here, you have a levitating potion, tell the kids they can use if you want. (You see what I mean?)

Also!!! Children need to learn that winning AND losing are both normal parts of a game sometimes!! It's great if they can experience it in a safe environment with you before experiencing it for the first time in school and not understanding why you can't just throw a tantrum because you had to go fish in the card game. You know?

Also, don't forget to set your boundaries. Example: "I will play with you for x amount of time, then I will have to go do x thing." Or maybe for you it will be more like "I can't play this one specific game because my back hurts, but we can play this one other game." Just make sure they're easy for the kid to understand, and that you respect them. Also sidenote, sometimes for some people compromise can be very useful when trying to work on a relationship.

And if after all these suggestions, playing just really isn't for or isn't possible for whatever reason, then just spending quality time with your kid will help build your relationship. It all depends on your interests and your "love language". Maybe for some people, quality time is just doing parallel play (example: you and your kid sit together at the table while you read and they draw), maybe it's watching a movie together and sharing your comments, maybe it's doing sports together, maybe it's gardening together, who knows! Not me! It's up to you!

Anyway, this is already way too long so I'll stop but long story short, please do play with your kid!! Or accompany them in their games at least. Or just spend quality time together that you both enjoy (emphasis on both). It will really help improve your relationship, I promise. AND also let them play by themselves sometimes so they can learn not to depend entirely on an adult to be able to play. It's all about finding a good balance, doing what works for you and your kid(s), and setting clear boundaries!

Demons are real and they write for the new york times.

[grailfinders]

Fate and Phantasms #180

Coming in fourth is Team Satisfaction H ∴ T ∴ E, led by Helena Blavatsky (Archer) and her Sanat Kumara Wheel! Since most of her goodies come from a generous loan via historic spirits, she’s a Lorehold Warlock for NYARF, the wheel itself, and the explosions that come with it. She also dips into Artillerist Artificer to dump some more tech into your gun and get a doll, as well as Fighter for a couple more spins on the barrel. That last bit is, admittedly, powerbuilding, but Helena made her new spirit origin with help from two of histories greatest inventive minds, so she did it first.

Check out her build breakdown below the cut, or her character sheet over here!

Next up: The final racers: Team Prefect of Public Decency and Monk Sanzang!

Race and Background

Like we said in her first appearance, Helena’s a human. But she’s also really small and smart, so we’ll make her a Rock Gnome instead. This gives her +2 Charisma and +1 Intelligence, Darkvision to dunk on dumb human eyes, Gnome Cunning for advantage on all soft stat saves against magic, Artificer’s Lore which doubles your History proficiency when figuring out how items work, and lastly you can Tinker to create small clockwork items. The Clockwork Toy is a simple Colonel Olcott, but we’ll get fancier models as we go through the build.

She’s still a Cloistered Scholar, giving her proficiency with History and Arcana.

Ability Scores

This is exactly the same as her first time around, so if you want justifications just check that one out. From top to bottom: Intelligence, Charisma, Dexterity, Constitution, Wisdom, Strength.

Class Levels

1. Warlock 1: Now for something that’s actually new. Starting off as a warlock is not new, but the School of Lorehold you get your magic from certainly is. When you join the class, you get some extra Spells to complement the ones you can already cast using your Charisma, as well as an Ancient Companion. When you finish a short or long rest, you can shove a spirit into a medium statue nearby, creating one of three Ancient Companions: the Healer, the Sage, or the Warrior. You have to use your bonus action to command it in combat, otherwise it will just dodge. You can have one companion at a time, and you can heal existing companions by channeling magic into them as an action, spending a spell slot.

Warriors get extra AC and can throw themselves between allies and danger as a reaction thanks to Warrior’s Protection, adding a d4 to an ally’s strength or dexterity saving throw.

Sages give their Sage’s Counsel to nearby allies, adding +2 to all their intelligence and wisdom checks.

Healers can grant a Healer’s Light to a creature as an action, granting it temporary HP.

There’s also some abilities they all have, but this bit’s already running long, so check the character sheet for all the details.

Here’s another bit that’ll take ages, Pact Magic! It uses your Charisma, and it recharges on short rests. You get the cantrips Eldritch Blast for your big water cannon, as well as Blade Ward for a short lived Ultraman transformation, giving you resistance to physical damage. We’ll get better stuff later.

For first level spells, grab Expeditious Retreat to speed yourself up and Witch Bolt for a little electricity Tesla snuck into the design. You also get Sacred Flame and Comprehend Languages from being a lorehold mage. You’ll need a lot more fire for your NP, but it’s a start.

Finishing off this massive first level is your proficiencies. You get Wisdom and Charisma saves, as well as Religion to tell people the glory of the Mahatmas and Intimidation to help you break up fights between a modern thunder god and a man-sized lion.

2. Artificer 1: Bouncing over to artificer gets you Magical Tinkering, so you can slap a bunch of minor effects onto tiny objects. I’m sure a fantasy tape recorder in a feather will help your studies greatly.

You also get another Spell list, this time you cast and prepare your spells with your Intelligence. Also, while you are multiclassing here, pact magic and normal magic doesn’t mix your spell slots together, so just use the spell slots listed for each class at whatever level you are.

You get two cantrips, so grab Mending to patch up your wheel on the road (they don’t actually say you can heal an Ancient Companion with mending, but it’s a statue, I’m sure it’s fine.), as well as Light to spruce up your designs a bit. I’m pretty sure we made Tesla a human before, so that’d make him the only member of the team without darkvision. I’m sure he’ll appreciate it.

As far as first level spells go, I’d make sure you pick up Longstrider. Making yourself faster is okay, but you should make your ride faster too.

3. Warlock 2: Moving back to warlock for a bit so you can get Eldritch Invocations, boons from your teammates for extra special powers. Armor of Shadows makes fighting in a bikini a slightly better idea thanks to your free casts of Mage Armor, making your AC 13 plus your dexterity modifier. You also get Agonizing Blast to up the pressure on NYARF, adding your charisma modifier to the damage of your eldritch blast.

It looks like your Sanat Kumara Wheel also comes with a bit of an automated defense system, or at least that’s the justification we’re using to justify grabbing Hellish Rebuke. Blast fire at people as a reaction if they hit you, it’s fun for the whole family!

4. Warlock 3: Third level warlocks get their pact boon. An obvious option here would be pact of the blade, but we’re already using eldritch blast for that one, so instead we’ll shore up your dolls with Pact of the Chain. Summon an imp, give it clockwork armor, there ya go.

To get your doll count up even higher, grab Flock of Familiars for some extra help, summoning up to three dolls (or two if you’ve already got one from Find Familiar). You can also blast down a door with Knock or stick a GPS chip on an item with Locate Object, both courtesy of the good people at Lorehold.

5. Warlock 4: Use your first Ability Score Improvement to become a Metamagic Adept, giving you two metamagic options and two sorcery points per long rest to use them with. I say you get two, but we’re really only here for Quickened Spell so you can cast eldritch blast as a bonus action. Since you also get a second beam per cast at level five, we just quadrupled your firepower in a single level. Not bad for a feat.

You also learn one more Edison goody attached to your wheel, Lightning Lure. Deals lightning damage, and drags enemies closer to the vehicle. It’s a shame it doesn’t last long enough to drag enemies around while you drive, but at that point I’m sure you can just use regular rope. On top of that, you learn Shatter for another kind of explosion to line your path as you run people over.

6. Artificer 2: Second level artificers can Infuse Items, up to two at a time. This adds major magical effects to existing items on your person, like Enhanced Arcane Focus making NYARF even deadlier with a +1 to its accuracy and damage, Homunculus Servant for another Olcott doll, Sending Stones to keep in touch with your pit crew, and a Bag of Holding just because it’s useful. You have to swap items between long rests, and you can only keep two in your head at any one time. I have no idea how this makes sense either, but it’s extra versatility, I guess?

7. Fighter 1: We’re dipping into fighter entirely for Action Surge, but we do get other stuff too. The Mariner fighting style gives you +1 to your armor when it’s not heavy, and you get a climbing and swimming speed to boot. You also get a Second Wind to heal yourself as a bonus action. It’s summer, make sure you take breaks so you can avoid heat syncope.

8. Fighter 2: Second level fighters get what we came for, Action Surge! Now you get a limitation free second action once per short rest, so you can shove three castings of Eldritch Blast into a single turn for six attacks. This is a little powerbuildy, but Helena did it first when she bought a gun from two genius-level inventors.

9. Artificer 3: NYARF’s getting pretty good, but if you want another kind of gun look no further than the Eldritch Cannon you get as part of being an Artillerist. This small or tiny guy takes an action to build, but afterwards, you can carry it in one hand for a sort of living gun. You can also just leave it on the ground and let it plod around. In either case, it’ll use your bonus action to command, and lasts 1 hour. It can be a Flamethrower, Force Ballista, or Protector, dealing fire damage, force damage, or temporary HP respectively.

You also get artillerist spells, like Shield and Thunderwave for more protection in an inappropriate combat outfit and more explosions for your NP.

You can always make The Right Tool for the Job over a short rest, creating a set of tools you need. They last until you make another set of tools.

10. Artificer 4: Use this ASI to bump up your Charisma for stronger and more accurate NYARF blasts.

11. Warlock 5: Fifth level warlocks get third level spells, like Tongues. You’re talking to ancient spirits from beyond our mortal ken, you’ll really want a translator, trust me. Speaking of, you also learn how to Speak with Dead and you can summon Spirit Guardians, all thanks to your Lorehold college grants. You also get an Eldritch Mind, giving you advantage on concentration saves.

In NYARF news, your Eldritch Blast deals three beams now for up to nine attacks in a single turn. This is why people don’t allow machine guns in their DND games.

12. Warlock 6: At sixth level, Lorehold Mages learn Lessons of the Past, giving you extra bonuses based on what version of the Sanat Kumara Wheel you’re riding. While you have a Healer bike, your HP maximum increases by your Warlock level, and you gain an extra 1d8 HP when you’re healed by a spell. If you’re riding a Sage, you get advantage on Arcana, History, Nature, and Religion checks, and once per turn you can add 1d8 force damage to a leveled spell. If you picked a Warrior, you can attack as part of your action if you cast a cantrip, and the attack deals an extra 1d8 radiant damage.

Finally, as an Archer class servant you gain some magic resistance thanks to Counterspell. You only have like, two third level spell slots, so don’t go too wild here.

13. Warlock 7: Seventh level warlocks get fourth level spells, like Dimension Door. Making an entrance has never been easier! Why awkwardly dismount your bike when you can teleport off instead? You can also create an Arcane Eye to keep an eye on your bike, and if it ever gets stolen you can use Stone Shape to make a new one, courtesy of Lorehold College.

Your last goody this level is the evocation Gift of the Ever-Living Ones, making your little bits of healing extra powerful. If your familiar is within 100 feet of you, any dice rolled to heal you always count as their maximum value for you. With any army of dolls grabbing drinks for you, your second winds are always pretty powerful.

14. Warlock 8: Use this ASI to become a bit more Resilient in your Dexterity saves. This bumps up your score by 1, and you get proficiency with dex saves. Somehow you can drive through a bunch of explosions and not die, so your dexterity saves have to be pretty good.

You also learn the spell Raulothim’s Psychic Lance to create a big shiny laser for your Ultraman reference.

15. Warlock 9: Ninth level warlocks get fifth level spells, like Contact Other Plane so you can finally talk to the Mahatma directly. You also get a Destructive Wave for one more explosive ride and Legend Lore. You’re a nerd, you know stuff. For your invocation, grab Repelling Blast to launch people backwards with the power of water!

16. Warlock 10: Tenth level Lorehold warlock is where things get extra spicy. Once per turn, Proficiency times per long rest, you can use your reaction to force a wisdom save against a creature you hit with an attack roll. If they fail, they become vulnerable to one damage type in that attack’s damage roll, doubling its damage until the end of its next turn. This includes the triggering attack.

This means, if you’re up against a particularly unwise opponent, there’s a pretty good chance you can double all those eldritch blast attacks, effectively attacking 18 times in a single turn. And it only gets sillier next level.

You also learn True Strike. I hope you’re aiming that thing, at least...

17. Warlock 11: Eleventh level warlocks get a Mystic Arcanum. Instead of letting you cast a sixth level spell each short rest, you get this, which limits you to casting a sixth level spell once per long rest without using a slot.

Conjure Fey lets you bring the Mahatmas back to earth with you, bringing in a Fey or Beast creature of CR 6 or lower for up to an hour. If you lose concentration though, it’ll be hostile and might attack you. Meddling with forces beyond your control isn’t a great strategy.

18. Warlock 12: Use your last ASI to bump up your Charisma for a bigger NYARF. Your watergun also makes your enemies all soggy and gross thanks to becoming a Lance of Lethargy, slowing them down once a turn. I mean you’re using eldritch blast anyways, might as well make it fancy.

19. Warlock 13: Your first and last seventh level Mystic Arcanum is going towards Crown of Stars for some long turn explosive fun. For an hour after casting,you can use a bonus action to throw small stars at enemies, dealing radiant damage on a hit.

20. Warlock 14: Your capstone level tunes you into History’s Whims, which kind of turns you into Ultraman. For up to a minute after you start it as a bonus action, you can pick one of three benefits to last until your next turn, as long as you don’t pick the same one twice in a row.

You can gain some Luck, adding a d6 to all incoming saving throws against damage for the round, Resistance for resistance to physical attacks, or Swiftness for more movement speed and no opportunity attacks.

You can transform yourself this way once per long rest, or by spending a fourth level spell slot.

Pros:

Remember how we were all “Sanson can do sooo much damage” when he got vulnerability strats, even if they were super awkward? Yeah, Helena’s Eldritch Blasts blow him out of the water, and they’re way easier to use. With twelve eldritch blasts in a single turn from Action Surge and Quickened Spell, plus vulnerability from War Echoes, Helena can pump out 2*(12d10+60) Force damage in a single turn, assuming all hit. (with an enhanced arcane focus that jumps to 2*(12d10+72)) On the low end, that’s 144 damage, which can down or seriously injure most builds. On the upper end, that’s over 360 damage, enough to take down a max constitution barbarian with the tough feat in a single turn. And the best part is, if they make their save you can just hold off on everything else for a round, you don’t have to commit unless it’ll work. It really is NYARF or nothing.

While we have made plenty of builds recently that ride around on stuff, but yours is the only one where your ride doubles as a built-in medic. With a healer Ancient Companion, your HP gets bumped up to a more reasonable amount, and it can heal you with your bonus action every turn. And if you’re fine, it can help out party members as well.

Speaking of, as an Artificer you can make plenty of gifts for your party as well, ranging from little trinkets to magical items for stronger attacks. On top of that, your bevy of familiars can be handed out to party members so you’re always within range if they need some healing.

Cons:

A lot of your stuff requires your bonus action to use; You can use your eldritch cannon for more damage without spending sorcery points, your Second Wind for healing, or your Ancient Companion to move around and provide support, but you can’t do all of those at the same time.

Since almost all of your magic is coming from your warlock levels, you don’t have many spells ready at any one time. You have three 1st level slots from Artfiicer, three 5th level slots from Warlock, and two Mystic Arcanums. Similarly, you can only really go ham with NYARF once a day. I’m not saying you can’t make a serious impact with what you’ve got, I’m just saying you’ll have to be careful with how you use it.

Without your ride you’re pretty Squishy, with slightly over 100 HP and an AC of 16. Normally that wouldn’t be that much of a problem for a mobility focused spellcaster, but destroying a boss in one round tends to draw a lot of attention. Be ready for that.

[duhragonball]

Hellsing Liveblog Ch. 14-19

This is the “Elevator Action” arc, presumably named after the 1983 video game of the same name.   I’m pretty sure a lot of Hellsing arcs are named for video games, which makes me wonder about the ones that aren’t.   Like, is “Master of Monster” a video game that I just haven’t heard of?  

The title fits, in the sense that there’s an elevator in the story, but we don’t spend much time there.   Anyway, this thing starts off with Alucard checking into a ritzy hotel in Rio de Janiero, and his only luggage is two big-ass coffins covered in sheets.  What happens next might surprise you...

For some reason, the guy at the front desk objects to Al’s luggage, not because they’re coffins, but because they’re just really big?   Like, he’s not even remotely suspicious, even though the sheets sort of hint that they’re trying to smuggle something in.   No, this guy just thinks it’s too big.    So Alucard uses vampire hypnotic powers or whatever to Jedi Mind Trick him.   Pip Bernadotte thinks it’s a “sex beam”, and yeah, this dude sure looks like he got hit with a sex beam.  

Seras is part of this mission, but she can’t travel over running water, so she had to make the transatlantic flight in her coffin.    Apparently they tricked her into this, which I don’t understand, but okay.  

And Al makes a big production over the debut of his own coffin, because he’s a diva like that.  

During the trip, Seras fell asleep, and she dreams of a visitation by the guy who played Baron Harkonnen in the Dune movie.   I think?   This is all a big gag revolving around her gun being named after a guy in Dune.    Then Alucard wakes her up because there’s helicopters and soldiers surrounding their hotel, and he thinks it’s awesome.

A bunch of this arc is panels and panels of commando goons taking up positions and getting ready.    A Brazilian newscaster is there covering the story, which he says is a hostage situation.    The authorities seem to think Alucard and Seras massacred a bunch of people in the hotel, and have hostages on the top floor.    It’s weird that they would even have a photo of Seras for this, since no one saw her.   As for Alucard, they identify him as “J.H. Brenner”, which I believe was an alias Dracula used in the Bram Stoker novel.   He shoulda spelled it backwards.   “Yes, I have a reservation for R. E. Nnerbhj”.   

Also, these photos are just panels from the Valentine Bros. arc.    That’s Seras killing ghouls in her berzerker rage, and that’s Alucard chillaxing while he waits for Luke Valentine to find him.   How would a Brazilian TV station have these?   I’m starting to think this comic about gun-toting vampires might not be on the level.

So now all the main cast can see this situation unfold on international television.   Pip watches from his crappy one-star hotel room, Integra, Walter, and the Convention of Twelve watch from Jolly Old England, and Millennium is watching from... well, somewhere.   

They clearly orchestrated this whole situation, which means they not only knew about Alucard’s mission, but they had a whole thing prepared for him.   As far as they’re concerned, this is just a test to see if Alucard will kill humans as readily as he hunts monsters.

What follows is, well, a bloodbath.   The police try to enter Alucard’s hotel room, only to find his coffin, engraved with “The BIrd of Hermes is my name, Eating my wings to make me tame.” While they try to suss out that riddle, Alucard shows up and demands they stay away from his coffin, so they shoot at him for like three pages in a row.    But bullets don’t work on Alucard, so he just grows back a new everything and starts slaughtering these guys.

The last guy in the room is so horrified that he just gives up and shoots himself, which actually shocks, then enrages Alucard.   

Then he tells Seras to come out of a cupboard he hid her in, and he gets all upset when she objects to his killing humans.    “Look, this is war,” he tells her, but that look he gives her at the end kind of suggests that he knows she has a point.    Those cops were never any match for him.    The two of them could have easily escaped this penthouse without a scratch.    Alucard’s ethics may excuse this kind of overkill in the line of duty, but he knows it’s not right. 

This scene also marks the first (only?) time Seras defies him.   There’s a part in the Gonzoverse series where Alucard is about to execute a human reporter who Knows Too Much, so she pulls a gun on him, but then Integra shows up and is like “No, it’s cool, you can kill this lady, idgaf.”  I guess that whole moment mirrors this one pretty well now that I write it out.    Seras doesn’t like how this is playing out.   She joined Hellsing to fight vampires, not human police officers, but she still follows Alucard’s lead in the end.   So is he influencing her, or is she influencing him?   It’s kind of hard to tell.

And maybe Seras really did make an impression on Al, because the next thing he does is call Integra to report in and confirm his orders.     She told him “Search and Destroy” before he left, but that was before all these human dupes shows up at his doorstep.     He’s willing and able to kill them without regret, but he wants to know if Integra is cool with it, since she’s the one calling the shots.    But Integra holds firm and insists that nothing has changed.    She looks resolute here, but leading up to this moment she was pretty anxious about what Alucard was going to do with all these humans.   

So why is Walter so giddy about this?  Is he just proud to see his commander displaying this ruthless leadership style?   Or is it something more?    After she hangs up, she asks Walter if she made the right call, but he declines to give an opinion, since he’s just the butler.  

I’m not sure Seras was privy to any of this, since she was preparing the coffins for transport while Al was on the phone.    He orders her to take the coffins to the roof and steal a helicopter to escape.   While she does this...

Alucard leaves the suite and heads down to the front door of the hotel.   There’s more cops in the hallway waiting for him, but he just mows them down the same way he did the ones in his suite.

Back to Millennium, their leader, known only as “The Major”, is now satisfied with the knowledge that Alucard can and will kill humans that get in the way of his mission.   But he sees no reason to prolong this battle, so he orders his man in the field, Tubalcain Alhambra, to put this to an end.  

Oh, and here’s the elevator.    The cops scramble inside and try to close the doors to escape Alucard, but he sex beams one of them to hit the “door open” button, which gives him just enough time to get inside.   He kills them all, then emerges on the ground floor and kills the cops there to make his way to the entrance.    Along the way, he tosses some of their bodies out the windows, and they land on nearby flagpoles, which impale their corpses like pikes.     Because he’s Vlad the Impaler, get it?  

And finally Tubalcain Alhambra reveals himself.   He calls himself “The Dandyman”, and he has card powers.   Is he anything like D’arby the Elder from JoJo?   Well, he’s got a vest, so maybe.   He explains that he manipulated the authorities into sending those cops into the hotel.   All he had to do was promise them eternal life.   They didn’t hurt Alucard, but they did get him to waste a bunch of his ammunition.   Maybe all of it, since I’m pretty sure Al never shoots Dandyman during this fight.    See?   Seras had the right idea after all.

Never mind, he does shoot him.   Also these two hit a lot of innocent bystanders while they fight.    It’s worth noting that Dandyman seems to have a lot of the same abilities Alucard expected from Luke Valentine during their battle.    Luke thought he was hot shit, but he couldn’t regenerate or transform himself.    But it looks like Tubalcain can shrug off gunfire and turn his whole body into playing cards.   

While all of this vampire fightin’ is a-goin’ on, Pip Bernadotte infiltrates the bad guys’ command post, shoots all of the crooked authorities in league with Dandyman, and then blows the whole thing up for good measure.

Oh, and here’s the third (and final?) Cross-Fire backup.    Bishop Maxwell gets injured during a pagan cult tries to assassinate the Pope, so he sends Heinkel Wolfe and Yumiko Takagi to go to Wales and slaughter their entire congregation.   And they do.   These Cross-Fire stories just don’t hold up.    It’s two overzealous religious fanatics killing other fanatics, except they always have the firepower and the element of surprise, so there’s no suspense or tension to any of it.  

Back to the Dandyman fight, well... wait, we gotta go through a flashback, first.

The last installment opens with young Integra learning about vampires from her father, Arthur Hellsing.    He quizzes her about why vampires are so feared, and the answer is that vampires are powerful, and they’re also vicious and aware of their own power.    So in close-quarters they’ll tear a human to pieces.    And another monster wouldn’t?   I’m not sure I understand his point.  

Back to the fight, Dandyman seems to have Alucard in a bit of trouble, because his cards are razor sharp and once they cut Al, he can’t recover from the wounds so easily.    Fortunately, Seras shows up to provide a helpful diversion.    And by “diversion”, I mean, shooting enormous shells at Dandyman.

And that gives Alucard a chance to get the drop on him.   He breaks Dandy’s leg, splits his left arm in half, longways, and then drinks his blood.   Also, Millennium does that self-destruct thing on Dandyman, so he goes up in flames.    This is about as defeated as a bad guy can get.  

And then Pip shows up in a helicopter, I guess the same one Seras was ordered to steal, since they have the coffins ready to go.   But Alucard is in no hurry to withdraw, because he’s just so gosh darn excited to be fighting this Millennium group.  They’re bloodthirsty, violent maniacs, just like him, so it’s perfect.  Or is it...

[monstersdownthepath]

Spiritual Spotlight: Kurgess the Strong Man

Neutral Good God of Bravery, Competition, and Sports

Domains Community, Good, Luck, Strength, Travel Subdomains Agathion, Competition, Family, Fate, Home, Resolve, Self-Realization, Trade

Inner Sea Faiths, pg. 64~69

Obedience: Find the nearest boulder, log, or other unattended object that you can reliably lift over your head, and hold it up high for the duration of the obedience while meditating on the ennobling nature of sports and tests of physical might. If you are interrupted at any time by any creature or person, you must challenge your interrupter to a contest of strength, speed, or stamina, with the boulder or another object of your obedience used as the main focus of the competition. Benefit: You gain a +2 sacred bonus on Acrobatics and Climb checks, regardless of who wins the competition.

Obedience: Be a jock. Auto-succeed if you’re a Str-based martial fighter. I appreciate that Kurgess allows even the physically weak to take part in this Obedience (the path to fitness can be walked by anyone after all), and through constant practice one hour each day, your noodle-armed nerd caster may yet gain some Str and Con from their dedication. It’s not a particularly intense workout, mind, but the dedication to doing it for an hour every single day is something the DM should reward! At least until their Str/Con reaches maybe 13, at which point more strenuous activities would be necessary to raise it higher.

Anyway, easy enough to do if you own literally any item or have access to something you can grab and lift. You may look a little kooky doing it, but other Obediences get much weirder than just doing squats and lifts with whatever you have laying around. You’ll just be the local health nut! One who’s weirdly into challenging people to sudden competitions. Your party may quickly learn not to interrupt your meditation lest they get pulled into a 80s training montage, but if some poor citizen or wandering monster prods at you, you’re spurred on by your god to challenge them. Note that this says any creature, so even a non-sapient creature that was just snuffling around gets challenged, even if it can’t understand you.

No word on what happens if the intruder declines the challenge, or cannot accept it in the first place. Maybe you just automatically win? Not very sportsmanlike to declare yourself a victor like that, but it’s also not very sportsmanlike to force someone else into a competition they want no part of. I’m sure Kurgess will understand; not everyone is built for the life you’ve chosen to live!

Benefit’s bad. It’s half the strength of other benefits on two skill checks that are rarely important (Acrobatics can be extremely useful but isn’t as flexible as, say, Knowledge or Sleight of Hand). And... god, you know. I like Kurgess as an actual character, but this benefit is just a small taste of what’s to come. Brace yourselves, because it’s going to get pretty bad from here on out. 

Boons are acquired slowly: the first once you reach 12 hit dice, the second at 16, and the third at 20. However, the Evangelist, Exalted, and Sentinel Prestige Classes can be entered as early as level 5; doing so grants you the Boons at levels 8, 11, and 14 instead. As Kurgess is a true deity, you earn the right to enter the classes earlier than those who serve fiends!

-------- EVANGELIST --------

Boon 1: Blessed Runner. Gain Longstrider 3/day, Cat’s Grace 2/day, or Haste 1/day.

Starting strong, at least! I’m talking of course about Haste, whose power as a buff is nearly incomparable and useful at pretty much every level of play. Longstrider adds a comparatively meager +10ft to your land speed, and Cat’s Grace gives its target +4 to their Dexterity, and though they have a duration that’s an order of magnitude longer than Haste (Longstrider especially, lasting an hour/level), their functions don’t hold a candle to the extra damage output you and your martial allies get from Haste. The only competition it really has here is if two of your allies need increased Dexterity stats for a good long while, but you’ll never see me turning Haste down whenever it’s offered.

Boon 2: Strong One. You gain a +2 sacred bonus on all Strength-based skill checks. 

Just skill checks? Not even Strength checks in general? Eurgh. Couldn’t even spring for, like, just a +2 to Strength.

Strength-based skills are Climb, Swim, and... wait, what? It’s just Climb and Swim? Well, congratulations I guess. At level 11 you’re finally getting that +4 to Climb checks you should have been getting at baseline. Absolutely--ok you know what? Here’s what I’ll do.

--Patch Notes: Strong One now grants a +4 sacred bonus to Acrobatics, Climb, Escape Artist, Ride, and Swim checks. There! Now it rolls thematically into the Darechaser Prestige Class and is actually good! Not the best Boon out there, but on par with what some Evangelists get.

Boon 3: Farmer’s Brawn. Treat your carrying capacity as though your Strength ability score were 3 points higher than it actually is. 1/day as long as you are wearing light, medium, or no armor, you can lift up to two unconscious or dead Medium or smaller creatures and their equipment onto your shoulders and still move up to your base speed, ignoring the added weight. You cannot both attack and move in the same round while carrying one or more creatures in this way. You can carry these bodies in this way for a number of rounds equal to your Hit Dice; afterward, they encumber you as normal.

The amplified carrying capacity grants you, on average, about 25 more lbs to your maximum load depending on how high your Str was before. Neat! This should have been part of Strong One, though, even with my little buff. Also, carrying capacity rarely matters at the level you get this ability at, either because of Bags of Holding or because nothing really becomes worth carrying aside from what you already have. Aside, I suppose, from unconscious allies.

This is just... A flat bonus to Strength would have been better than whatever this is. An emergency tool of rescue, I suppose, Combine with Longstrider or Haste to grab your fallen allies and get out of there! Oh, wait, no, because “still move up to your base speed.” So there goes that. Also, despite the fact they don’t encumber you, you’re still basically staggered while carrying them (you can still take two move actions, though!). ALSO also, this ability only lasts for around a minute and a half, which is pathetic if you’re using this ability for its intended function (narrowly escaping a complete party wipe); it’s likely to cut out about halfway out of the Evil Lair.

I suppose there’s the utility of just picking up whole entire enemy bodies and running off with them, but seriously, just...

--Patch Notes: Farmer’s Brawn now reads “Gain a +4 sacred bonus to your Strength. Once per day, you may carry two Medium or smaller creatures or corpses and all of their worn equipment without counting them towards your encumbrance for 1 minute per HD you possess.” 

-------- EXALTED --------

Boon 1: Holy Strength. Gain Enlarge Person 3/day, Bull’s Strength 2/day, or Rage 1/day.

Oh hey! All three of these are good and useful at any level! Rage can whip a whole party into a frenzy at once, giving them +1 to attack and damage rolls with melee weapons and giving them +1 HP per HD they have, at the comparatively minor (but still noteworthy) cost of -2 AC. Having a legion of summoned creatures, some hirelings, or just a party with a decent number of martial fighters can expand Rage’s usefulness even further... but a meager +1 to a whole lot of people is only useful if you, well, HAVE a lot of people. If you don’t? Bull’s Strength gives +2 to attack and damage rolls for minutes at a time, and has the added utility of beefing up someone’s carrying capacity and skill at lifting and throwing things around.

Enlarge Person is really the way to go if you have (or are) a powerful melee fighter on your side, though. A nice +2 to Strength is secondary to the delicious, tasty +5ft of reach, letting the target hold a much greater area within their threat radius. Knowing that you always have this spell on hand (3/day with a 1 min/level duration basically means you have it every time you need it) can prompt your primary tanks to take feats like Pin Down and Step Up to make themselves into inescapable tar pits of pain.

All three of these are good and flexible choices! Excellent! Now lets see what else Exalted can do...

Boon 2: Coordinated Escape: 3/day as a standard action, you can shout an inspirational command that affects you and any allies within 60 feet for a number of rounds equal to your Hit Dice. During this time, affected characters can use the withdraw action to move up to triple their base speed (instead of up to double their base speed).

... run away real good, apparently? The ability is described as showing Kurgess’ wisdom, fleeing from a fight that cannot be won rather than standing and accomplishing nothing, but like. He’s the god of bravery! Eurgh. At least there’s the amusing use of using withdraw to get CLOSER, since it essentially gives you an extra move action. And, for what it’s worth, it IS a decent escape tool, provided the enemy you’re running from has no way to catch up with you or slow you down. Much like the original Farmer’s Brawn, this ability just kind of doesn’t represent a god of sports and athleticism, which is what drives me nuts.

... well now that I think about it, using it exclusively for a sporting event like football or some other “keep-away” type game would be hilarious. But, still:

--Patch Notes: Coordinated Escape has been renamed to “Audacious Escape” and now reads “3/day as a standard action, you can shout an inspirational command that affects you and any allies within 60 feet of you. Any creature affected by this command can move at double their movement speed for one minute, and while they’re affected by this ability, their movement does not provoke Attacks of Opportunity.” Capped the time limit and shrank the movement buff, but made it a far more powerful defensive OR offensive tool.

Boon 3: Break the Anvil: 1/day, you can perform a disarm or sunder combat maneuver with a +4 competence bonus against an adjacent creature and a weapon it holds. If you succeed, the creature’s weapon is simultaneously damaged and disarmed, as though you had succeeded at both combat maneuvers simultaneously. If you exceed the target’s Combat Maneuver Defense by 10 or more, the target drops the items it is carrying in both hands, but you only sunder the weapon you initially targeted. If you don’t have either the Improved Disarm or Improved Sunder feat or a similar ability, this attempt provokes attacks of opportunity as normal; however, if you have one of the feats or a similar ability, this attempt does not provoke attacks of opportunity.

Alright I’ll admit, this is a... well, it’s not a complete letdown. It can be pretty good! Or, it would be better if it were attached to the Sentinel, rather than the caster-focused Exalted. And also if you could use it more than once. Needing to invest in Improved [X] (or at least Dirty Fighting) to avoid being slapped for your attempt to do something cool is also kind of a letdown. Now, I’ll admit, sundering at this level is very difficult to actually make viable, as most enemies you’ll face will have either enchanted weapons (which are very difficult to damage), skymetal weapons (again, difficult to damage), enchanted weapons made of skymetal (basically impossible to damage without one of your own), or no weapons at all (either because they use natural attacks, or use magic)... but that’s why this ability is also attached to disarm, which IS viable even at high levels, because knocking an enemy’s weapon from their hands and allowing an ally to pilfer it can render a great many foes impotent.

It does also require you to be adjacent to someone, though, which means you, the caster, must put yourself in arm’s reach of an enemy. And probably the BIGGEST weakness is that enemy CMD at levels 15+ can get ridiculous, so you’re going to have to focus at least part of your build on it, augmented by either spells or feats or, more than likely, both. The +4 bonus you get from Break the Anvil--which I have to admit is a really good name--is certainly some help here, but you’ll still need to build around it if you really want it to work.

--Patch Notes: Break the Anvil can now be done 3/day.

-------- SENTINEL --------

Boon 1: Master of Games. Gain True Strike 3/day, Bear’s Endurance 2/day, or Heroism 1/day.

It’s been one week and True Strike is still bad, even for the martial-focused Sentinel. Let’s just ignore that.

Bear’s Endurance is the weakest and least flexible of the ‘animal aspect’ spells, granting a +4 bonus to Con which translates to a whopping +2 HP per HD and +2 to Fortitude saves, and basically nothing else. It’s a bandage when someone’s suffering from disease or resisting a poison, and while it may occasionally save someone from being Blood Drained to death, it doesn’t justify taking Endurance over Heroism.

Heroism is a great buff to just use on yourself right before entering the final stretch of a dungeon, or even just after entering the front door. It’s a +2 bonus to attack rolls, skill checks, and most importantly saving throws and lasts for a tremendous 10 min/level, meaning it lasts two hours when you first get it and only rises from there. There’s no reason to take anything but Heroism, and little reason to not have it running the instant you enter hostile territory.

Boon 2: Reveal Frauds: You can, as an immediate action, activate Discern Lies as a spell-like ability. You can maintain this ability for a number of rounds per day equal to your Hit Dice, but these rounds do not have to be consecutive.

I had originally wished this ability had been granted to the Exalted instead... but a character going into Exalted likely started as a Cleric, so their Wisdom is probably already sky high and augmenting their Sense Motive to similarly heavenly levels. Thus, Sentinels gaining this power isn’t as bad as I initially thought, especially since it can be used as an immediate action in response to someone opening their lying gob to speak. Discern Lies doesn’t reveal the truth, nor will it ping you if the target is being evasive or changing the subject (such as by answering your question with a question of their own), so you have to keep on top of that. That being said, this ability has three advantages the vanilla spell sorely lacks which elevates it from ‘sometimes good’ to ‘indispensable:’

1) The lack of components means there’s absolutely no tell that you’re using this ability, aside from perhaps you focusing too hard on them. That means your target has no idea you’re using magic to read their speech; they may conclude you’re simply that good at reading their tells.

2) The casting time of “immediate action” means you can use it right when someone talks, rather than needing to prepare it beforehand. You can catch them in a falsehood without alerting them to the fact you’ve done anything supernatural.

3) The on-off nature of the ability means a hostage you’ve taken can’t simply wait out the duration of the spell. You can shut it off the instant they stop speaking and turn it back on when they start again; a canny caster may know the duration of the vanilla Discern Lies, but your version can be raised or lowered more or less at will.

While it won’t truly help you in a fight, this makes you an amazing interrogator, and not even necessarily a mean one! Just throw your arm around some badguy’s shoulder in the middle of a party or a bar and chat them up all friendly-like, sniffing their every word for a hint of falsehood. Sometimes, knowing what’s false helps narrow down what’s true.

--Patch Notes: None. Good as-is!

Boon 3: Unchained Savior 1/day as an immediate action, if an ally within 60 feet of you would normally take enough damage to fall unconscious or die, you can move to an adjacent space and intercept the killing blow, taking the damage in your ally’s place. If the attack would have inflicted any effects other than hit point damage, those effects are negated. If the damage would bring you to negative hit points, you are brought to 0 hit points instead, and the remaining damage is negated. Any attacks of opportunity you provoke by moving in this way are resolved after you take the damage from the intercepted blow; you take any damage from those attacks as normal.

Ohohoho, it’s been nearly two years since we’ve seen a Boon like this! Unlike Milani’s Martyrdom, though, this ability has a MUCH shorter range, a MUCH more restrictive activation condition (it only activates in response to damage!), and doesn’t save your life if you fall in the line of duty.

But you know what? It’s still a damn solid power. Your tankiness will absolutely allow you to survive a blow that could outright kill an ally of yours, but even if the attack COULD crunch you instantly, Unchained Savior flat out stops your HP from going below 0 from excess damage. 1000 damage, 100 damage, or even just 1 extra damage are all turned to Nothing as soon as your HP hits 0, AND this ability negates all extra effects from the attack, such as diseases, poisons, or additional spell effects. This, very importantly, means that even the dusting effects of Disintegrate and Destruction are negated!

Leap in the way of that 40d6 damage without fear! Well okay, SOME fear, since being dropped to 0 still means you’re unconscious. Unless you have Diehard or Ferocity. Y’know what? If your martial build doesn’t have Diehard, it probably should if you’re gonna walk around as an Unchained Savior! Just imagine the look on your enemy’s face when you tank their best shot and just keep coming.

Oh, also, since this power puts you adjacent to your ally, you’re probably now in slapping range with whatever attacked them in the first place. Draw your javelin and show them that you can give just as well as you take!

--Patch Notes: None! A 10/10 ability, Kurgess! Now if only you had this power while you were still a mortal, eh? Haha ... ha... ha... hwoof....

You can read more about him here.

[foursideharmony]

Collateral Damage (Part 2)

Summary: Roman gets into trouble while questing in the Imagination. Rescue arrives, but will the rescuer be all right?

Word Count: 1,372

Relationship(s): Platonic LAMP, with some extra Prinxiety focus

Warnings: It's a whump/hurt/comfort fic, sooooo... Pain, blood, loss of consciousness, description of wounds, general unhappiness, swearing, poison, sickness, clinic/hospital setting, arguing (mild)

“...ncey! Roman!”

Roman came to with a start. Virgil was bent over him, close to panic.

“Oh...there you are, Phase Two,” Roman mumbled with as much pep as he could muster, which was next to none.

“Phase...what are you talking about? Are you delirious?”

The ache of his wounds came back in a rush, and Roman winced. “Not yet.” He tried to push himself up into a sitting position, failed, and weighed the pros and cons of just passing out again.

“No! Stay awake, Roman! You need help and I don't know how to get you back by myself!”

“Right,” Roman said with a little more force. He focused through the pain and summoned a small glass bottle. “Here, give this to Logan when we get back.”

“Didn't you hear me?” Virgil said, coming down off his fright enough that his voice stopped resonating. “I don't know how to get back, Prince Pain-in-the-Butt! I only got here in the first place by following your beacon! Which, by the way,” he added, poking Roman's nose (which was one of the few parts of him not pulsing with pain), “don't set up little magic whatevers that are going to involve the rest of us without telling us first. It's just rude, okay? Come on—can you stand?”

“I guess I'm about to find out,” said Roman.

It took a long time for them to get him upright, and at every step there was more pain and a brief spell of lightheadedness. Roman was sure his ribs were at least bruised, if not cracked, and his thorn-inflicted wounds felt like fire.

“You look like crap,” said Virgil. “Seriously, you're pouring sweat. What did he do to you?”

“I'll be fine as long as you give Logan the bottle,” Roman said.

“So we're going with cryptic? I hope this means you're saving your detailed explanations for how to get back to the mindscape from here.”

“Oh. Right,” said Roman. “That's easy—it's through the red door.”

“Okay, and where is the red door?”

“Wherever you need it to be.”

“Roman!”

“Find a corridor and explore until you see it. It shouldn't take more than a minute or two.”

“O...kay... Come on, then. We're walking now.”

Roman, leaning hard on Virgil for support and now also direction, concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other and let himself drift...

~~~~~

Virgil was worried. First of all because that was his job, and second of all because anyone would be worried in these circumstances. Roman had gone unsettlingly quiet. He was still walking, more or less—his legs were moving and his feet were hitting the floor at approximately the right angle—but his lack of response suggested that either he wasn't properly conscious and was moving on autopilot, or had withdrawn into himself to prevent losing consciousness altogether.

It was probably for the best. Roman had obviously been in a lot of pain while they were talking, which meant he was probably hurt pretty badly, and Virgil didn't think he could pick the prince up and carry him without aggravating his injuries. He wasn't bleeding too badly, but the wounds looked very irritated, the surrounding flesh red and swollen. He was developing a waxy pallor to go with the sweating, and that set off all kinds of alarm bells.

Virgil shifted, shouldering more of Roman's weight, and gently steered him toward the nearest archway leading out of the hall. Sure enough, it was a corridor, and Virgil turned the first corner he came to and there was the red door, at the end of the adjoining hallway. “Small favors,” he muttered, all but dragging Roman toward it in his haste to get him to safety and help.

As soon as they were through, in Roman's room proper, Virgil began calling to his fellow Sides, using the Tempest Tongue deliberately, this time, to instill the necessary dismay. “Logan! Patton! We have an emergency here!” He continued to guide Roman out of the room, and the other two met them in the hallway, converging from wherever in the mindscape they had been.

“Oh no, Roman!” Patton wailed. “What happened to him?”

“The Duke,” Virgil said simply. “I didn't see everything, but it took a lot just to get him standing, and...” He dropped his voice for no reason that he could identify. “...I think he's been poisoned.”

Patton made a horrified gasp.

“Roman?” Logan said firmly. “Respond if you can hear me, please.”

“Mmnn,” went Roman. “M'here. Ow.”

“What do we do?” Patton squeaked.

“Firstly, we remain calm,” said Logan. “Secondly, we should move Roman to a location where we can more readily evaluate and treat his injuries.”

“Where's that?” said Virgil. “I don't think we should try carrying him downstairs. It's been worrying enough getting him this far in the shape he's in.”

“Hmmm...” Logan mused. “I know just the place.” He made a sweeping gesture, and the hallway swiveled around them, blurring...and reformed as no less than a medical examination room. Logan's black shirt collar and striped tie peeked out from between the lapels of a white lab coat, and there was a stethoscope slung around his shoulders. Patton and Virgil found themselves dressed in clinical scrubs—Patton's were light blue with a pattern of cartoon dogs dressed as healthcare personnel, and Virgil's were lavender with black bats and spiders.

“Oh,” Virgil said in a small voice. “The Mind Palace clinic.”

Roman lay on the examination table, having settled back into a fitful unconsciousness. Patton immediately went to the cupboards lining one wall of the room and began stacking a tray with rolls of gauze and antiseptic pads sealed in their packaging. Logan manifested a clipboard and began looking over the ailing prince and making notes.

“His temperature is up,” he observed. “I believe you are correct, Virgil. His symptoms are consistent with the presence of a toxin in his bloodstream, and the inflammation of these wounds suggests the vector. Well done.”

Virgil suddenly remembered the bottle Roman had given him and fumbled with his outfit until he found it in a pocket. “I think he knew. He said to give you this.” He set it on Patton's tray as the Moral Side carried it over to the table, getting a good look at himself in the process. It was small enough to fit comfortably in the hand and contained about an ounce and a half of what looked like soda water mixed with a few pinches of gold and silver glitter. It was stopped with a cork, and there was a piece of card attached to it via a slender red ribbon looped around the neck.

Logan picked it up and peered at the card. “Antidote #2,” he read. “Unfortunately, there seems to be no information regarding dosage or even method of administration.”

“I'm no expert or anything,” said Patton, “but if the poison is in his blood, shouldn't we give the antidote to him the same way? Like a shot?”

“It isn't quite that simple, Patton, to say nothing of the concerns regarding timing and—”

“Guys,” Virgil cut in. “You're missing the obvious. This is one of Princey's magic potions. It's not gonna take rocket surgery to figure out.”

Logan narrowed his eyes. “Rockets are manufactured objects, not living creatures. The practice of surgery does not apply to them.”

“I mean this is simpler than you're making it out to be. It's a potion in a pretty bottle. Get him to drink it.”

Now the Logical Side frowned. “Under the circumstances, that would be...extremely reckless.”

On the table, Roman whimpered in his swoon.

“Okay, you two, enough. Let's not forget what we're actually doing here,” said Patton. He briskly stripped the wrapper off an antiseptic pad and went to work cleaning Roman's scratches. Roman flinched at the touch of the stinging medicine, and Patton leaned down to him. “Roman? Kiddo, can you wake up for us for just a minute? We need to ask you something.”

After a bit more coaxing, Roman opened his eyes a crack. “That's it, just like that,” Patton said in a voice brimming with warmth. “I'll make this quick for you, Roman...we have your antidote but we don't know how we should give it to you. Can you please tell us? Are you able to do that?”

Roman blinked a few times, as if processing Patton's words. Grimacing heavily, he propped himself up on one elbow into a half-sitting position and reached the other hand out half-blindly. “Bottle,” he croaked. Logan quickly handed it to him, and the prince flicked the cork out with his thumb, downed the contents in only a few seconds, and let both the bottle and himself fall—it smashed on the floor, while he flopped back onto the table.

“Told you,” Virgil said quietly.

Shaking his head in a way that was impossible to interpret, Logan joined Patton in resuming treatment of Roman's injuries. Virgil found himself at loose ends—there wasn't really room for a third clinician at the examination table, and without a physical activity to perform, he had no way to distract himself from the unnerving atmosphere of the setting. He found himself backing against the counter where the scrub sink was and drumming his fingers against the hard surface. The hollow-backed stainless steel rang like a cymbal.

“Virg?” said Patton without taking his eyes off his task. “Are you okay over there?”

“Yeah...it's just...I don't have anything to do, and I'm...not digging the whole hospital thing.”

“You are not obligated to stay,” said Logan. “We have this well in hand.”

“I just don't feel right, leaving while Roman still needs help.”

Now they did look up. “You did help him,” said Patton. “You pulled him out of danger and brought him to us, so we can help. Go ahead and get some rest; you're looking pretty worn out.”

Apparently it had taken the observation by another Side for Virgil to notice his own exhaustion, but he suddenly felt his energy take a nosedive. “Yeah,” he agreed, rubbing his face with the heels of his hands. “The rescue took something out of me.” He threw a two-fingered salute and sank out.

He arrived in his room, back in his usual casual attire and bone-weary. He didn't bother to shuck off his hoodie or even kick off his shoes before flopping face-down onto his bed.

After a moment, he rolled over onto his back, wiped sweat from his brow, and dropped off asleep.

To Be Continued...

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5e Rengar the Pridestalker build (League of Legends)

⚠️ WARNING: THE FOLLOWING BUILD USES CONTENT FROM THE MYTHIC ODYSSEYS OF THEROS SOURCEBOOK. DO NOT OPEN IF YOU WISH TO AVOID SPOILERS. ⚠️

(Artwork by Riot Games)

I don’t really have a blurb to write about Rengar. Pretty much the only reason I’m making him is because it’s a blatantly obvious pick for a Leonin from Theros. Rengar hasn’t been that meta-relevant for awhile and I tried playing him once but I did kinda meh overall.

I’ve got nothing else so here’s a comic I found on Pintrest:

GOALS

Tonight, we hunt! - The key ability of the Danger Cat is to turn invisible and jump out at you from nowhere. Guess what we’ll be getting.

Don't trip - Rengar’s a simple cat who relies on simple tools to hunt. A knife and a set of bolas.

Comfort breeds weakness - And the ability to shout loud enough to escape danger. Okay maybe a little more than just simple tools.

RACE

Hey remember when I said this?

Pretty much the only reason I’m making him is because it’s a blatantly obvious pick for a Leonin from Theros.

Your race is going to be a Leonin from Theros. As a Leonin you get a +2 to your Constitution and +1 to your Strength, and a movement speed of 35 feet. (Which I wouldn’t normally mention but it is above the norm!) You have Darkvision up to 60 feet to see in the jungle, and Claws that do a d4 slashing damage. You also have Hunter’s Instincts for a choice of skill between Athletics, Intimidation, Perception, or Survival. We’re actually going to choose Intimidation because you’ll be getting the other skills from other sources, and you’re a fairly intimidating danger cat.

But the main ability we’re here for is Daunting Roar. As a bonus action you can roar to frighten enemies of your choice within 10 feet of you that can hear you. They must make a Wisdom save equal to 8 + your proficiency bonus + your Constitution modifier or become frightened until the end of their next turn. You can only use this trait once per short rest, however. Man isn’t it great when we can get an ability straight from the race?

ABILITY SCORES

15; DEXTERITY - You are a swift hunter, pouncing between bushes and climbing up the foliage for a height advantage... What I’m saying is that Rengar is a cat. (And if you don’t own Leonin feel free to play a Tabaxi, which probably works better for this build anyways.)

14; CHARISMA - Charisma is tied to intimidation, and one of your abilities is to yell at people so loud they take damage.

13; STRENGTH - More of a “we get +1 from our race and I dislike odd ability scores” than anything, but you spent your whole life surviving in the jungles of Ixtal. It’s safe to say that you lift.

12; CONSTITUTION - Rengar’s an assassin, but a sturdier assassin than most.

10; WISDOM - Would probably be more in-character to have a high Wisdom score since it’s tied to Survival among other things, but simply put we need other skills more.

8; INTELLIGENCE - You live a life of the hunt, not a life of the book.

BACKGROUND

Remember back in the race section when I said this?

you’ll be getting the other skills from other sources

The Outlander background gives you proficiency in both Athletics and Survival, which is why we didn’t take it from Hunter’s Instincts. You also get proficiency with one musical instrument of your choice (Drums might fit but see if your DM will allow you to have an Artisan’s Tool instead) as well as a language.

Your Wanderer feature allows you to remember the general layout of any area you’re in as long as you spent a day around it, and lets you find food and water for your party as long as its available in the landscape. I should assume most people know the layout of Summoner’s Rift by now, but it does help to know the best jungle clear paths.

(Artwork by Riot Games)

THE BUILD

LEVEL 1 - ROGUE 1

Who would’ve guessed that an Assassin would start as a Rogue? As a Rogue you get four skills from the Rogue list: Acrobatics, Investigation, Perception, and Stealth would all make sense for a jungle hunter. Speaking of jungle hunter your pride likely communicated with Thieves’ Cant so that no stalkers from the void could tell what you’re saying. (Only other Rogues.) And speaking of sense you get Expertise in two skills of your choice, and both your sense of Stealth and sense of Survival are heightened far beyond the norm.

Stealth is important for Sneak Attack. You can hide in a bush and jump out screaming “OOGA BOOGA” to do an extra d6 of damage. You can also do that extra d6 if the enemy you’re targeting is near an ally, they’re incapacitated, or you have advantage to attack them. As long as you’re using a Finesse weapon to attack them it’s fine, and I’d argue that you’re probably using two shortswords.

LEVEL 2 - ROGUE 2

At level 2 Rogues get access to Cunning Action, letting them Dash, Disengage, or Hide as a bonus action. Naturally with expertise in Stealth you can do a lot of hiding, but running or... running is always an option. Not one you’d likely take but living to fight another day is all part of the hunt.

LEVEL 3 - ROGUE 3

At level 3 Rogues get to choose their Roguish archetype. “Oh Rengar must be an Assassin for those sneak attacks right?” “Naturally he’s a Scout since he spent so much time in the jungle?” WRONG! Rengar’s a Thief!

WHY THIEF? - Thief Rogues get climbing and added mobility when jumping around, which is very in-flavor for Rengar.

WHY NOT ASSASSIN? - The only real bit of “assassination” Assassin Rogues do is crit surprised enemies. It’s cool and all but the rest of the subclass is focused on disguises.

WHY NOT SCOUT? - Scout has more of a focus on mobility which Rengar really... isn’t...? It doesn’t have any Rengar-like abilities until level 13, and we won’t even be getting to level 13 in this build.

With all that being said...

Thief Rogues have Fast Hands, letting them use their Cunning Action to perform Slight of Hand checks to open locks, disarm traps, use an object, or anything else that Slight of Hand is used for (which you probably won’t do much.)

But Second-Story Work is something you will use a lot if playing in-character. You get a climbing speed equal to your walking speed, and your long jump is increased by your Dexterity modifier, so you can pounce out of the bushes! Speaking of pouncing out of the bushes your Sneak Attack now increases to 2d6.

LEVEL 4 - ROGUE 4

4th level means an Ability Score Increase, but hey odd ability scores. Time for our good friend the Athlete feat for +1 to DEX and the ability to stand up quick and jump without a running start. The climbing speed portion unfortunately doesn’t affect us because of our subclass, but there aren’t many other feats that fit in character except maybe Weapon Master for Scimitar proficiency? But that’ll become irrelevant soon as well.

LEVEL 5 - ROGUE 5

At 5th level Rogues get Uncanny Dodge. If you’re hit with an attack you can use your reaction to halve the attack’s damage against you. Exactly half you say? Wow it’s almost like Rengar has an ability to heal himself for half the damage he recently took! And your Sneak Attack increases to 3d6 at this level!

(Artwork by Riot Games)

LEVEL 6 - WARLOCK 1

Jumping over to Warlock for a-OH GOD DAMMIT.

The extremely dead meme about me sticking Warlock levels into literally everything aside we’ll be investing in Warlock for a number of reasons, but the question one must always ask is what Patron to serve. How about the spirit of the jungle itself? More specifically an Archfey of the jungle. Your patron gives you a Fey Presence, allowing you to spend your action to force creatures within a 10 foot cube centered around you to make a Wisdom save against your Warlock DC or become either Charmed or Frightened by you. Yes this is effectively the same as your roar, only it affects allies, has a shorter range, takes a full action instead of a bonus action, and can charm. But you now have two roars; congrats.

But of course what we’re really here for is Pact Magic. You get two cantrips from the Warlock list and oh hey Eldritch Blast. The obvious one aside I’m actually going to suggest Create Bonfire for the second cantrip, and it’s entirely for the roleplay purposes. Sit down at a fire and spitroast your latest catch.

For your leveled spells Hex will let you mark a target for the hunt, giving them disadvantage on skill checks related to an ability of your choice and letting you do an extra d6 damage whenever you hit them. If you’re dealing with invisible enemies however buying a Sweeper Lens wouldn’t be a bad idea, and Faerie Fire from the Archfey list will let you reveal your foes for the hunt. And you get Advantage to attack enemies revealed by Faerie Fire, which means you can Sneak Attack them!

LEVEL 7 - WARLOCK 2

Second level Warlocks get Eldritch Invocations to empower their abilities in a number of ways. Seeing as we have Eldritch Blast Lance of Lethargy will let us turn it into an Eldritch Bola to slow down our foes. For your second invocation just pick whatever you think is good since none of them really stick out to me. Similarly I suggest you hold off on taking any spells until next level.

LEVEL 8 - WARLOCK 3

Level 3 Warlocks get their Pact Boon and... yeah. Pact of the Blade makes the most sense. Summon a weapon; summon a scimitar that you have proficiency with if you so-desire. Take the one invocation that buffs up your weapons.

And now here’s the point where we get the spells I told you to hold off on: Hold Person for empowered E, Invisibility for R. Both great ways to get Advantage for Sneak Attack!

LEVEL 9 - WARLOCK 4

At 4th level Warlocks get an Ability Score Increase, because all classes get an Ability Score Increase at level 4. Increase your Dexterity for more dangerous stabs!

You also get another cantrip at this level, as well as another spell. Cantrip choice honestly doesn’t matter, but for leveled spell take Misty Step because you know me and suggesting Flash.

LEVEL 10 - WARLOCK 5

5th level Warlocks get another Eldritch Invocation and obviously as the danger cat who hides in the bushes you need to be better at hiding. One with Shadows lets you become invisible if you stand still in an area of dim light or darkness, so that you can pounce out and stab at anyone who comes close!

There’s a bunch of other good ones at 5th level you can take if you don’t want more invisibility though: Eldritch Smite? Mire the Mind? Even Thirsting Blade if you really want to spare an invocation just to attack twice.

You also get another spell at this level: Hypnotic Pattern is a big AoE bola that will root all your foes if they fail the save.

LEVEL 11 - WARLOCK 6

6th level Archfey Warlocks get Misty Escape. When you take damage you can turn invisible and teleport 60 feet as a reaction. I don’t know how to reflavor this but it does seem like a very “Rengar” thing to do. Trick the hunters into thinking they caught you before making them the hunted!

And when they know they’re being hunted you can hit them with the spell Fear, frightening them (no duh) and forcing them to run. What are you; a scarecrow?

LEVEL 12 - WARLOCK 7

At 7th level Warlocks get another Eldritch Invocation and Trickster’s Escape will let you roar to get away from danger thanks to one free use of the Freedom of Movement spell. While the spell won’t make you completely immune to all crowd control like it does in League it lasts for one hour and can be applied to teammates! More of a Mikael's Crucible really, but still very useful!

Additionally you can now learn 4th level Warlock spells. The main one we want is Greater Invisibility from the Archfey list, which is like regular invisibility only you don’t lose it when you attack, which is insanely OP when you need to get Sneak Attacks. Feel free to replace Invisibility if you wish but do remember that you can make multiple people invisible with the lower level spell.

Other than that there are some other good spells to grab: Dimension Door is a great pick for a very long distance flash, and there are tons of other great spells at the 4th level which you can consider.

NOTE: If you know that you won’t hit level 20 then another level in Warlock would be wise for more ASIs, however for this build the Warlock levels stop at 7 for the sake of a capstone from Rogue.

(Artwork by Riot Games)

LEVEL 13 - ROGUE 6

Going back to Rogue now: 6th level Rogues get Expertise in two more skills. I think just about any skill would make sense though I’d perhaps recommend Acrobatics or Athletics to help with movement and dealing with grapplers or shovers. Perception’s never a bad thing and the same can be said for Investigation, and Intimidation can help if you need to play rough.

LEVEL 14 - ROGUE 7

7th level Rogues get Evasion, letting them take half damage on a failed DEX save or no damage on a successful one. I always say this is you dodging a skillshot but this can also be you recovering from the damage with your roar. Your Sneak Attack also increases to 4d6.

LEVEL 15 - ROGUE 8

8th level Rogues get an ability score improvement and it’s about time to cap off your Dexterity for maximum armor, evasion, stealth, and stabbing!

LEVEL 16 - ROGUE 9

At 9th level you get Supreme Sneak as a Thief Rogue, giving you Advantage on Stealth checks if you move no more than half your movement speed on your turn. This is the main reason I went for Thief Rogue: Rengar is a master of the hunt and a master of moving stealthily, and with Expertise and Advantage in stealth you can move pretty stealthily. And you know what benefits from all that sneaking? 5d6 Sneak Attack damage!

LEVEL 17 - ROGUE 10

At 10th level Rogues get another Ability Score Improvement: you capped off your first main stat so how about the other? Increase your Charisma to make your Warlock side better. And your scary lion side.

LEVEL 18 - ROGUE 11

11th level Rogues get Reliable Talent, making any role below a 10 on an ability check you’re proficient in equal a 10. Whenever I get this ability in a Rogue build I like to list off the minimum check you’ll get in every ability you have so...

27 in Stealth

22 in Survival

21 in Acrobatics (unless you put Expertise in it, in which case it would be a 27)

19 in Intimidation (unless Expertise for 25)

18 in Athletics (unless Expertise for 24)

16 in Perception (unless Expertise for 22)

15 in Investigation (unless Expertise for 19)

Your Sneak Attack also increases to 6d6.

LEVEL 19 - ROGUE 12

12th level Rogues get another Ability Score Improvement so I suggest further investment in Charisma for better Warlocky stuff.

LEVEL 20 - ROGUE 13

Your final level is the 13th level of Thief Rogue. Along with 7d6 Sneak Attack damage you get a capstone that while perhaps not too in-character for Rengar it was too great to pass up in a level 20 build: Use Magical Device lets you ignore all class and race restriction for any magical item you find, meaning that any high level loot your party finds that they can’t use you can grab instead! "All these trophies... I'm gonna need a bigger den!"

FINAL BUILD

PROS

A true hunter never rests - You are always prepared with the ability to summon weapons straight to your hand and tools for combat both up close and at range.

There is the hunter and the hunted - You are a lot harder to pin down than the average Rogue, and Rogues are hard to pin down as is! The only thing worse than dealing with an enemy with Evasion and Uncanny Dodge is dealing with an enemy who can also turn invisible and teleport!

Focus - While some of your skills are perhaps a little situational you are without a doubt the king of the jungle. When it comes to more hands-on tasks like Investigation or Survival you are the right cat for the job.

CONS

Remember every kill - You only have two spell slots, and while they do thankfully come back after a short rest a lot of your spells can be lost due to concentration. It’s hard to hit an invisible foe but still possible, and your Constitution isn’t fantastic.

Let’s fight! - The honest truth is that your Leonin roar along with all your other abilities that cause fear really don’t scale well into high tier play. Most high level enemies are immune to the frightened status effect, and neither your CON nor your CHA are high enough to make the fears truly reliable. Again: this build honestly would’ve worked better with a Tabaxi.

Let's see what they're made of - While your ability checks are great your actual stats leave something to be desired. Where this matters is saving throws: your DEX, INT, and CHA saves are great but +2 on a Strength save isn’t much.

But you’re meant to be an assassin and you’re a damn good one at that. A permanently invisible cat with an infinite amount of sneak attacking weapons is certainly a formidable foe. They are the hunted and you are the hunter: stalk them and strike them down when they receive the mark of the Danger Cat! Just look out for Aberrations: don’t want to lose the other eye.

(Artwork by Riot Games)

[thessaliah]

Who is the “Person of Chaldea”?

For those who didn't know, there is a mysterious helper who appears in the Lostbelts and aids Chaldea indirectly by helping the people they made contact or would make contact.  Here cut under spoilers the information we have and already old destroyed guesses and theories:

We know little about this man (assuming is a man which seems most likely right now) who appears in Lostbelts when Chaldea isn't around to give a helping hand. The direct (not speculation related) info we have is:

He is referred specifically as the "カルデアの者."

Wears white.

His clothes are dirty and tattered, covers his head and face with a hood.

He apparently fights with a curved, thin sword or something alike it (note this is an old Yaga describing this so if he was using some magic trick he wouldn't know).

He knows magecraft of the Ages of Gods that isn’t rune based.

He knows how to treat injuries, plague, and has the skill as a physician. He is called a 'sensei' in LB3.

Knows assorted skills like how to take care of fields.

He is able to manifest in the Lostbelts by mysterious means.

Pronouns: 私 and お前 to address others.

He has a 'tch' tongue clunking quirk but he claims is because of his sore throat and body.

He is shocked to find people who would put themselves in a disadvantage to offer him kindness and hospitality.

He seems detached about humanity at some level and a pragmatic point of view.

He might appear different than he used to look or have a different body.

He says his goals haven't changed and he has done the same things in the past (without such welcome). "His actions are the same."

Holmes speculates he’s a “survivor of Chaldea.”

Those are the official things we know. There is more I could add that could be related to him but that goes in identity theory.

DEBUNKED: MUSASHI+ DIFFERENT SERVANT ON EACH LOSTBELT

When Musashi appeared in LB1, plenty of fans (and even the characters) assumed Musashi who also claimed as an ally of Chaldea (but using a completely different label and not カルデアの者) was this mysterious helper: she had covered her face with a hat, she wielded a katana and all. But they didn't notice the lack of quirk and the lack of healing expertise. In LB2, the Person of Chaldea is an overpowerful mage, so ruled her out unless he was a new one. By LB4, it leaves clear that is the same person that travels in all Lostbelts, he gets dialogue and internal monologue for the first time. Leaving the theories of Musashi, Ryoma, Muramasa, Paracelsus, etc out of the running.

DEBUNKED: IT’S A CRYPTER

Before LB4, there was a popular theory the Person of Chaldea was actually a Crypter, in particular,  Kirschtaria Wodime, because he favors white. But after LB4, we know the man travels alone and that for a Crypter to move between Lostbelts, they need the help of an Emissaries. Evil Mercenary Tamamo is good for such task. Crypters are more than antagonists but they are unlikely to be the Person of Chaldea.

POSSIBILITY # 1: IT’S A NEW SURPRISING CHARACTER OR SOMEONE UNEXPECTED LIKE MARISBURY ANIMUSPHERE

Because the person is hard to fit on the old characters we know, perhaps it's a new one. Abe no Seimei is a good possibility when there are characters related to him introduced. Murasaki, his student, his foes Tamamo and Douman. However, my only complaint here is that they yanked our chains for two years of mystery to introduce a new character? The possibility exists, but it seems like poor writing. If we are talking of dark horses, Marisbury Animusphere is certainly another possibility, although the pronouns don't fit, and he has no notable physician experience that we know, he wears white, he's from Chaldea, and the shoes (not the coat) match the man in the OP. I mean to put him here as a possibility he's connected, but my suspicion is that Marisbury is more unfortunately linked to the antagonist, the God of Another Planet. I'll leave that for another post. His possibilities to be the Person of Chaldea raises if Daybit is an antagonist and not the potential aloof ally he seems to be.

POSSIBILITY # 2: IT’S SOLOMON

Romani, Goetia, a combination, etc. Solomon. "But Solomon disappeared!" I can cite a lot of things, from Goetia voicing the PV, to Roman in the Lost Room, to the fact both left remnants (which Ars Nova shouldn't have allowed) and Chaldea is stated to want to build a record for Romani specifically. But I frankly don't care about this, Nasu would explain this if the time comes. The Lostbelts have revised the Modern History anyway, and whatever happens inside their Wall of Storms is not "our World" technically.

So far is the most likely possibility, and why there's a tease and red herring from one or the other. Unrelated but completely important is the scene in the Lost Room, the final shot of someone picking up one of Solomon's rings from the thrones before leaving. The question remains is which Solomon?

THE CASE FOR AND AGAINST GOETIA: "Goetia is in Romani's body" seems to be the most popular theory since the OP image show up (along with the initial "was that Marisbury?"). Goetia does use, among other pronouns, watashi and omae. The personality of the Person of Chaldea seems colder and harsher than Romani usually displayed, so fits more Goetia, as well as the fact of "is this appearance?" which makes him mull over how he's treated, which could refer to wear Romani's body and clothes as he did to Solomon. Maybe he gained medical knowledge too. However, are we sure is him or Nasu wants us to assume is him for taking to face some superficial statements? The main case against is that his current actions don't match his past ones, even if one is to assume his goal and motivation remains the same (he feels sorry for humans), that he has indeed wear Roman's likeness in the past (with Mashu) and he shouldn't be shocked about the benefit of a human appearance when his shtick was passing himself as Solomon or Roman or making his pillars take human vessels. The other case against is the tsking. Tsking and tongue clunking to my memory are not one of his quirks. IMO, Goetia is a strong if not the strongest contender. I'm not sold about Roman's body, because Roman's body disappeared (and I feel it's irritating for his sake and Roman he's still under his shadow rather than stand as his own character), the tongue quirk could be because whoever body he’s using or inhabiting has it. 

THE CASE FOR AND AGAINST ROMANI (SOLOMON): "A doctor in white" was the second most popular theory but fell off a little after the monologue of the Person of Chaldea because he lacked Romani's nicer personality and his usual pronouns (Boku/kimi). It's true it cannot be the same Romani Archaman we know, but this doesn't mean it cannot be him. We'll start for the case for: a physician with assorted talents (all that could be feasible for Romani/Solomon - and yes, includes having a legendary long thin blade listed in wikipedia - and this also can be listed on Goetia’s favor too!) that wears white, is from Chaldea, and still has the same actions, goals, and motives. The actions might have been weird, but with episode 0, we saw Romani walk the world on his own and doing odd jobs including acting as doctor in disaster zones, until he turned to Chaldea to complete his mission. How is that different from the Person of Chaldea’s present actions? The main objections are sound: the man doesn't talk or acts (in temperament) like Roman, and the quirk isn't his. However, after becoming Solomon again did use watashi and omae (he switched gradually from boku to watashi in the temple, if you carefully replay his unused voice clips and read his farewell scene) and his personality would be different if he was in possession or manifestation of a new body, as most Pseudo Servants (Ishtar wouldn't act like Rin if she wasn't in Rin's body, for example, we know this from Strange Fake - the vessel influences the spirit). The Servants who cannot manifest alone require vessels and the vessels can influence the way they talk, their temperaments and -obviously- give them a new appearance which our Person of Chaldea might have. Despite his friendliness, Romani seemed to speak and think of humanity from the distance (Accel Zero comes to mind where he reveals he's pretty  pragmatic who wouldn't go around to change things as Waver did), he also thinks people should hate him (in his Blurb of relationship with the Master), so if it's Solomon post Roman's self-loathing, him acting surprised that those people in India Lostlet are willing to accommodate him with the little they had and were so kind toward him is unfortunately not as weird as we might think. Da Vinci changed from a sassy libertine to a (dull) angelic younger sister type after her rebirth just after the Prologue if we need a precedent. 

As for me, whoever the person of Chaldea is, I would prefer if Roman remains Roman. I absolutely dislike the change in Da Vinci (looks and personality) but I am not blind not to see the possibility with the metaphor of the "peppermint green book" in the latest event the doctor appeared (you know that whole “things -people-  you believe lost might be returned to you but with differences”). There is another case I'm considering but is more self-indulging, because doesn't mean desecrating Solomon's second corpse (even if it disappeared!), Goetia's arc, and Romani's whole self. The one of assimilation like Kingu and Enkidu which means the Person of Chaldea could be a new Solomon created of Romani and Goetia mutual elements. They used to share a body. That’s another case, but I’m not sure. My heart leans closer to Goetia in this, but my gut feels he could be red herring for Solomon 2.0.

Of course, this could be all be wrong and it’s truly Abe no Seimei or something outlandish like Future Ritsuka (I forgot to debunk this, it feels laughable when Ritsuka has a very limited character or arc, and cannot do a single healing spell to know magecraft of the Ages of Gods - plus would give Gudako an edge over the male Ritsuka -who uses ore as pronoun- and that won’t be allowed, sadly). You never know. I just wanted to share past and present theories. From a writing perspective, I just don’t think some new character would be right when they are treating this as a slowburn mystery arc and purposefully used Musashi as an in-game red herring. Maybe if Abe no Seimei -or whoever if it’s a new character- gets a better set up, certainly. Marisbury possibility is still strong if he’s not an antagonist.

[gellavonhamster]

sugar bowl generation headcanons

Beatrice

short and delicate-looking but actually very strong and Sporty™

knew Olaf since early childhood and often visited his family home. She never liked his parents that much but she was still conflicted and extremely upset when she was tasked with killing them

the girl everyone (with a few exceptions, Olaf first and foremost) wants either to be or to be with

had a penchant for writing very witty and biting epigrams about the people she disliked

the first time she slept with Bertrand was after that very night at the opera. They were both confused and miserable and wanted someone to hold them but neither of them thought themselves a good enough person to deserve someone innocent, someone who doesn't know what they did, to hold them, and then it just... happened. She was still dating Lemony at the time.

Bertrand

had blond hair (Sunny takes after him), wore glasses (I guess it could be said that Klaus takes after him)

mostly worked in the theatre as a stagehand, building sets and props, but occasionally took part in performances too, usually filling in for one actor or another

kept in touch with Theodora after finishing his apprenticeship

used to sing while cooking dinner

the nicest, politest person you'll ever meet but could also obliterate you with a couple of words (usually preferred not to)

didn’t really like Beatrice that much before they started working together on the poison darts mission - thought her to be too pretentious and loud

Lemony

tried growing a moustache as an experiment once and it was Terrible

has always been rather chubby; sometimes it bothers him but only because it means he can't always squeeze through a hole in the fence/a porthole/etc. when in need of escape

used to play the accordion for his friends at the parties

has a quite beautiful singing voice but usually is embarrassed to sing (Beatrice was usually successful at persuading him to do it though)

tried to hate Bertrand at first and failed spectacularly and was mad at himself because of that

since Stain'd-by-the-Sea, has killed in self-defence in a fight a couple of times but has never murdered anyone anymore like he murdered Hangfire

once dreamed of reforming VFD (actual volunteering instead of kidnapping, no more separating children from their families and so on) but by the time of after The End, when the organization is completely in shambles and many volunteers (for example, R) believe that now is the perfect time to rebuild it basically from scratch, he does not want to be part of this anymore - partly because most of the volunteers (except for, again, R, and some other people) now see him as a traitor for exposing so much VFD secrets, and partly because he'd rather spend his time helping his niece find the Baudelaires

rest of the squad under read more because this post got out of control

Jacques

had always been considered attractive by everyone (despite the unibrow)

the "I'm not mad, I'm disappointed" kind of guy

usually the designated driver at parties

learned to drive at the age of, like, ten, but insisted on getting a real driving licence when he got old enough for this. As a result, had a legal licence and a bunch of fake ones for VFD missions

usually carried a small photo camera with him

prior to "recruitment" he befriended Jerome and managed to stay friends with him throughout their lives even though they could not meet as often as they both would've loved to. Had always suspected that Jerome is in love with him; loved him back but knew that being involved with anyone from VFD would be too dangerous for Jerome who, despite many good qualities that Jacques loved about him, was not a fighter at all. Tried to fill the void with various on-and-off relationships with other volunteers, such as Olivia and Frank, but never really got over Jerome

Kit

liked wearing men's clothes and strict/business women's clothes

usually kept her hair in a bun or a ponytail but every time she let it down everyone noticed how beautiful it was

very good at physics and engineering

Lemony didn't know it but she kept in touch with Ellington after their escape from the prisoner wagon. They were always on the verge of romantic relationship but avoided it because E, naturally, did not want to have anything to do with VFD, while K couldn't imagine her life without it

was a heavy smoker but quit after finding out she's expecting 

her pregnancy was absolutely unplanned but she decided to keep the baby for a number of reasons, such as that she might not be able to get pregnant later due to her age and that there was actually no time and/or opportunity for her to have an abortion safely

Olaf

had dyslexia (hence problems with spelling but being good at anagrams). Sometimes asked Kit to read him books out loud

his relationship with his parents has never been that great; what devastated him the most was not so much their sudden death (though it was undoubtedly shocking) as the fact that his friends (and, for all their conflicts, he still considered Beatrice his best friend) betrayed him

his propensity for alcohol is partly genetic - his father didn't drink too often, but when he did, he went on long drinking sprees 

used to dress like a greaser in his youth - leather jackets, dark sunglasses, all that jazz

sometimes when he (tol) and Beatrice (smol) would stand next to each other, he would put his elbow or his chin on top of her head; it annoyed her extremely

had a crush on Josephine in his early teenage years but she rejected him quite brutally. That old grudge was part of the reason why his plan of getting her out of the way included seducing her

Esme

has never been recruited by VFD - she just befriended Beatrice and Olaf and, being nosy, soon started to find out more and more about VFD. They thought her a potentially useful associate so eventually she became quite closely involved with the organization

her parents were rich, bought her whatever she wanted, and made sure she got a good education but never really cared about her that much or showed her love. In other words, her childhood was very much like Carmelita's

used to shoplift (makeup, jewellery, similar small objects) for fun as a teen

actually really good at math and finances

she wasn't the one who burned down the Baudelaire mansion, and she cried with rage when she found out Beatrice was dead. She wanted revenge and now she couldn't have it - it was almost as if even in death B did everything she could to do her dirty one last time

survived the hotel fire but was arrested a short time after for a variety of crimes she committed together with Olaf. Nevertheless, managed to get acquitted on all charges and became an even more popular celebrity because of the media coverage of her trial. Many years later, already after her death, a Chicago-like musical about her life was staged. It was wildly inaccurate and romanticized her and her relationship with Olaf to no end, but the public loved it. The adult Beatrice Baudelaire II, being a true niece of her uncle, wrote a scorching review of it, but it didn't really alter anyone's opinion.

R

her mother was French Canadian and her father was Black Canadian

doesn't like cigarettes but occasionally smokes her late dad's pipe

her mother was not a member of VFD but still an associate and agreed to let her daughter be taken in return for them aiding her in politics. Because of her mother’s connection to VFD, R was allowed to spend much more time with her family than other young recruits ever had a chance to

she and Lemony were already close friends by the time they both realized they're in love with Beatrice, and they resolved not to let this ruin their friendship. For some time, they both courted B, waiting for her to decide whom she likes best. When B chose L, R felt quite miserable but managed to let go of her feelings as time passed. She never forgot Beatrice, but she's had multiple relationships after her

there was a brief period when her family thought she and Lemony were dating, which they found both awkward and hilarious. They've never felt anything but friendship towards each other. On several occasions they fell asleep in one bed and never found anything weird about it

after the hotel fire and the almost complete collapse of VFD, she is leading the fraction that believes that the organization's ways should be changed (see the last point in hcs about Lemony above)

Monty

used to send his friends postcards from his travels, making sure to code the messages and the return addresses

gave names to each and every animal living under his care. For example, his Virginian Wolfsnake was called Mrs. Dalloway

had his iconic snaketache (snake moustache) since he was like 19

loved gestures of platonic affection but was always careful not to kiss or hug people who do not like being touched

was the reason many VFD gents realized they weren’t straight (”ok, it’s Monty, everyone is lowkey crushing on Monty... wait, he’s a guy tho”)

has killed more than once and aided in even more murders by providing poisons to his associates. Wasn’t proud of it and often wondered if there was another way. Actually carried a lot of sadness inside him but always tried to mask it with jokes and persuade himself to be optimistic

Josephine

good at boxing, fencing, swimming, arm wrestling... like, Beatrice was Sporty™, but Josephine was the Sportiest™

also good at dances like boogie-woogie and swing

had a wonderful infectious laughter :’)

to ask her out, Ike sent her a letter with some mistakes, she started correcting them automatically and realized that the wrong letters formed the phrase “I like you”. She found it clever and cute, and went on a date with him

I feel like I’ve seen this idea somewhere before but I can’t recall where... anyway... she was more interested in descriptive grammar and the development of language before losing Ike but then started to concentrate on prescriptive grammar because she subconsciously sought something stable and predictable in her shattered life

Widdershins

claims that Melville is his favourite writer but hasn’t actually read anything by him apart from Moby-Dick. His associates quickly found it out by dropping references to Billy Budd, Bartleby, the Scrivener, and other Melville’s works

there was a time when he kept borrowing money from his friends (usually small sums to buy cigarettes or beer or something) and returning it months later or never at all. It became a subject for many inside jokes within his friend circle. Is this point inspired by Netflix? Yes, it is

I blame this post for giving me the headcanon that he and Monty had a short-lived but passionate affair in their youth, which they both recalled fondly later

survived the Great Unknown but was badly wounded (including losing his leg... yeah, I’m sneaking in another Moby-Dick reference, why the hell not). That and the fear of running into the Great Unknown once more prevented him from ever going to sea again. He found it difficult to adapt to life on land, feeling himself useless without his submarine, took up drinking and would’ve become an alcoholic it wasn’t for his stepchildren and Hector controlling him

Hector

he’s the H on the Anwhistle branch of the family tree in TUA, but not an Anwhistle by blood. His parents were family friends who died when he was a baby, and the Anwhistle parents adopted him

his parents were Mexican, and he tried to reconnect with his heritage by researching traditions and culture and literature. All the Mexican dishes he cooks he learned to cook by himself

apart from hot air balloons, can fly and work with dirigibles and other aerostats

witnessed many terrible things, including gruesome deaths of several associates, and begged the higher-ranking firefighters to transfer him to some quieter position. They could see clearly that he wasn’t fit for dangerous tasks anymore, and he got relocated to the Village of Fowl Devotees. As the organization became increasingly scattered, whatever he was supposed to be in charge with was forgotten, and so was he

after TVV he keeps seeing Jacques in his nightmares, dying again and again and reminding how H failed him and the Baudelaires

part of my headcanon about him, the Quagmires, and the Widdershins sticking together after surviving the Great Unknown is H and W having a relationship that’s like 50% “why you. Out of all my associates I’m left with you and I never even really liked you, WHY” and 50% doing household chores together in comfortable silence. At some point they start referring to the triplets, Fiona, and Fernald collectively as “our children” and neither remembers who started it

Olivia

had two sisters - M(iranda) and N; by the time of TCC hasn’t seen either of them in years

loved wearing lots of jewellery - big dangly earrings, bracelets, rings

owned a Tarot card pack that belonged to her grandmother

good at engineering and working with various machines

she and Jacques had sex a number of times and she would’ve loved for it to turn into a more serious relationship but she knew that deep down he loved someone else

The Denouements

Frank was born first, then Ernest, and Dewey was the last

D faked his death when he was about 16 because the VFD higher-ups ordered the Denouements to make sure the firestarters believed there were only two of them now. He volunteered, knowing that his brothers were better at running the hotel and working with people, a decision he came to regret later

D fell in love with Kit when she was still dating Olaf. They didn’t become a couple until a year or two before the events of ASOUE

F was Jacques’s another occasional bedfellow. In contrast to Olivia, he never showed how much he really cared about J (and he cared much more than he would’ve preferred to)

E met Fernald a number of times before ASOUE and often flirted with him in a way of “if you’re up for it, I’m in”. He pitied the young man because he knew Olaf would hardly ever return Fernald’s feelings

both F and E liked D more than each other and had a “I wish you were dead instead” moment after his death. After losing their hotel to the fire, they wanted to go their separate ways but soon understood they still need each other. They moved to a European country called Zubrovka to work in the famous hotel there

The Sebalds

Gustav was 2-3 years older than Sally

when they were kids, they used to write plays and put them on at the family gatherings using their toys and handmade sets. One of such gatherings was visited by a distant relative who was in VFD. Some days later, they were “recruited”

all of Gustav’s films are incredibly low-budget and fastly made and all his friends have starred in at least one of them because it usually went like... Headquarters: we need a film with this and that secret message to be shown at this and that cinema in five days. Gustav, mass texting his friends: guys who’s free this weekend, I have another movie to make

Gustav and Monty were dating

Sally dated R at some point (Monty introduced her to R)

after The End Sally, like R, is one of those volunteers who advocate for reforming the organization and dropping its old ways

[boysdontcryblood]

Chapter Four

[warnings for reform school setting, mentions of non-conventional punishment, and demonic/supernatural elements]

. + . + . + . + . + . + .

Otto had not been looking forward to the weekend. Usually, high school students couldn’t wait for the break from classes, but since they lived in this pathetic excuse of a schoolhouse the students were watched with an even closer eye than usual. Nobody got away with anything on the weekends, and it was not something Otto enjoyed very much. So, needless to say, he was kind of dreading Saturday and Sunday.

That is, until he had found the planchette. 

The thing had just been sitting on the top shelf of one of the cabinets (that Otto had had to use a stepping stool to reach), abandoned and covered in dust, and, honestly, Otto had been doing it a favor by slipping it into his coat pocket. Luckily that bitch Steele hadn’t noticed, and he walked away from the remedial study with a triumphant smirk on his face.

“What’s with the smile? Did you suddenly start getting off on cleaning or something?” asked Awsten as the younger boy hurried to catch up with him. Sergeant Steele had tried his best to keep them separated, and Otto had missed his so-called partner in crime. With Awsten back at his side he felt rejuvenated, and even though his hands hurt like hell the presence of the other boy was enough to permanently cheer Otto up.

With the smirk still growing and widening on his face, Otto grabbed Awsten’s hand and practically dragged him towards their shared dorm room. As soon as they were both inside and the door was locked, Otto pulled out the planchette and tossed it to Awsten.

“What... Where did you-”

“It was just sitting there in one of the closets.”

“You didn’t find the actual board that went with it?”

“I searched the rest of the closets again while Steele went to the bathroom. This was all that I found.”

Awsten hummed, turning the planchette over and over in his hands. It was still kind of dusty, but once Awsten wiped off the dust with his uniform jacket sleeve the smooth black surface seemed to stare directly into his soul.

“Cool. How are we gonna use it without an actual ouija board, though?”

Otto didn’t even blink as he responded. “We could make our own. We’d have to do it in secret, but-”

“Perfect. I’ll google what we need.”

. + . + . + . + . + . + .

Sunday night rolled around, and Otto found himself sitting across from Awsten on their dorm room floor with a brand new ouija board placed between them. The board itself wasn’t much to look at; it was literally a piece of cardboard with letters scrawled on it in Awsten’s rushed handwriting. The planchette was placed in the middle of the board, and the two boys tentatively placed their fingertips on the shiny black object. An electrifying shock ran up and down Otto’s arms, and he shivered.

“Remember, don’t let go until the very end.” Otto nodded solemnly, and Awsten grinned. Otto double checked that the candles and sage were still burning and that the salt barrier remained unbroken before he turned back to Awsten.

“How do we st-”

“Hey, all you ghosts out there! It’s me... uh, your boy, Awsten!”

Otto sighed and rolled his eyes. However, as amusing as Awsten’s introduction had seemed, the planchette remained motionless. 

“Uh, hello? Is anybody there?”

“Let me try,” said Otto. He cleared his throat before speaking. “If there are any ghosts here with us tonight, can you please let us know.”

The planchette didn’t budge.

“Wow, lame.”

“Shut up, dumbass.” Awsten let out a small “hmph” but otherwise did as Otto demanded. Otto let the silence carry on for roughly thirty more seconds before making a second and third attempt. Both ended in failure, and by the end of his third try at talking to ghosts he could see Awsten getting fidgety.

“What now, Awsten?”

“I wanna try again.”

“Go for it.”

Awsten took the lead again, but as soon as he opened his mouth Otto felt something else enter the room. It had no physical form— Otto couldn’t see anybody or anything else in the surrounding area— but there was definitely a third being with them. It wasn’t just a passing spirit or whatever either; no, it was something powerful and evil. The hair on the back of Otto’s neck stood up, and his arms erupted into goosebumps as the temperature in the room dropped suddenly.

Fucking finally.

Awsten made pointed eye contact, his mouth still hanging open, and Otto knew he felt it too. The rational part of his brain, however small it may be, was telling him to stop, to end the ritual and to get out of the room as fast as possible, but-

“Hello there. I’m Awsten, and that’s Otto. Can you tell us your name?”

Too late now.

The negative feeling only got stronger and stronger, and just as Otto was about to suggest ending the ritual the planchette started to move beneath his fingertips.

“Holy shit,” Awsten breathed. Otto didn’t move as the pointer moved to spell out whatever the entity’s name was.

“N...O...N...A...M...E... “No name”?”

Or, uh... maybe not its name. “You don’t have a name?” The planchette slid to the “YES” that was hastily scribbled next to the badly-drawn sun. 

“Cool, okay, you don’t have a name. That’s cool. Do you have anything that we can refer to you as?”

The planchette moved over to the “NO”. 

“Okay, then can you tell us what you are?”

N...O...T...A...G...H...O...S...T

“Not a ghost. Awesome,” Otto muttered. Awsten grinned at him before asking the next question.

“Can we guess what you are? Sort of like a 21 questions type of deal?”

YES

“Alright, so, uh... were you a human before you became what you are now?”

NO

“So you were created as you are?”

YES

This back and forth session continued on for several minutes, with Awsten doing the main portion of the talking, save for when Otto would suggest a question to ask the creature, and answer by answer they approached a conclusion.

“I think I got it,” Awsten whispered. Otto raised his eyebrows at Awsten, as if to try and tell his roommate to get on with it.

“Are you a demon?”

Much to Otto’s conjoined horror and excitement, the planchette moved to the ‘YES’.

“Holy shit,” Awsten said for the second time that night. The planchette moved away, but then returned to the ‘YES’ after a millisecond.

“Oh, you have a sense of humor. Alright, buddy, I have another question for you if that’s alright.”

G...O...A...H...E...A...D

“If you possessed someone— say, me, for a hypothetical situation— what would happen to whoever you possessed? Like, would they get freaky skills and shit, or would it just be a miserable ride-along?”

“Awsten-”

“Not now, Otto, the adults are talking.” 

Otto stared at Awsten in shock as his friend followed the planchette moving over the board. Was he being fucking serious? He didn’t even care about what the demon was saying to Awsten. Sure, he had thought that talking to the demon was fun, but possession was on a whole different level. Even he knew that nothing good could come from Awsten being inhabited by a demon.

By the time Otto finally looked back down to the board, the demon had finished spelling out whatever long and complicated answer it was trying to give. He didn’t know what the demon had said, but Awsten looked pleased enough, which was never a good sign.

“That sounds like a good idea.”

“Awsten, please think about this. You don’t know what it’ll do if it has control of your body.”

“Hey, relax. It’s my body, it’s not gonna take total control of me. I’m gonna use it to bust us out of here and beat up all the teachers, and there’s nothing it can do because it’s in my body.”

“A-”

“So, demon. I am totally on board with this possession thing. Tell me how we get started.”

The planchette moved from where it had come to rest in the middle of the board to once again cover the ‘NO’.

“No? What do you mean no?” The planchette remained motionless, but the demon hadn’t yet left. It was ignoring Awsten, or at least refusing to fulfill his wishes. Otto could see Awsten getting visibly madder. He was beginning to regret his decision to go along with this.

“Alright, dickhead, listen up. I’ll make you a deal; you possess me and help me and my friend bust out of this fucking hellhole of a school, and I won’t call a priest to banish you back to hell.”

“Jesus Christ, Awsten!” Otto yelled. Beneath them, the planchette moved again, but it only swirled around the board in figure-eight motions.

“What does that mean? Why is it doing that?” Awsten asked.

“It means it wants to leave the board.” Otto began sliding the planchette over to the ‘GOODBYE’ in order to close the board and release the demon, but Awsten stopped him.

“No, we’re not letting it go until it possesses me! It’s being a little bitch, and I don’t like little bitches.”

That did it. The planchette began to move faster and faster, and both Awsten and Otto had trouble keeping their fingers on it. A strong gust of wind ruffled Otto’s hair, but he was too busy focusing on the planchette that he didn’t pay attention to the wind until it completely obliterated the salt barrier. The candles burned brighter, with the tops of the flames nearly reaching the ceiling, before going out altogether and plunging the room into almost total darkness. Any scent of sage that had been in the air before was now gone.

“Awsten, you pissed it off! Just end it and let it go!” Otto cried out. Awsten didn’t respond, so Otto took that as his cue to end everything. He slid the planchette over to ‘GOODBYE’ again, and as soon as Otto’s hands had reached their destination the wind stopped. The candles were re-lit, and the smell of sage returned. The salt barrier didn't return, but Otto was okay with that. The demon’s presence was no longer in the room, and they were safe.

Otto looked at Awsten, who was glaring right back at him. He was almost as pissed as the demon had been, but Otto wasn’t scared of his roommate.

“You’re not allowed to talk to demons anymore.”

. + . + . + . + . + . + .

tho̕s̸e idiot̷s͝ f̢iņa̵l̕l҉y̧ closȩd͜ ͜t̕h̵e ̸boa͠r̀d͢. i fl̷ed ̢f̴r̴o̴m̷ t̶h͢e r̨o̸o͟m,̧ b͟u̷t̴ i di͠d̸ņ't̶ l͘eave͞ ҉t̸he̡ ͜b҉u͟ildi҉ng͝.͜ ̕th͝ìs was̸ m̨y҉ h͞o͜m̸e—͜ h҉a͜d ̨b̢èȩǹ ͟fo̡r y͜e҉ars—̸ ͏an̶d̷ i ̕w͢a͘s̕n'͟t͜ ab̨o͜u͠t ҉t̴o l͜eav͞e̢ jưs͏t͞ b҉eca͏u͡se͡ s̢o͞me̴ ̡ṕu͝nk di̛sresp̀ect̵e҉d ͠me̶.͘

i͡ ҉m̢ad̨e m̡y͞ ͞way͞ ̡throu̵gh̢ t͏he ͘ha͡l͏ļs of͝ ͡t̢h̛e ́b͜ui̢ldi̸n͟ǵ, ̷tu͜r̶n͝in͏g ͢çorne͘r̨ ͏af͠te̢r ̵cơr̢n̡er ͠a͞ņd͡ d͏odgin͡g͟ s͘everal̷ sp͘i̵r̸i̵ts. one o͘f́ th͜e͞m, a͡ sa͟d͠-look̛inǵ b͠oy wit̛ḩ a͟ ́ba͘seba͝l͞l ͟c̸ap ̨on̵ h͢i̷s̴ hea̸d ͜a҉nd ̀a̸n èlectr͡i͘c g̡uita͢r ̨ín͟ ͢his̕ ḩan͟ḑs,̀ ̡look̢ȩd͢ úp ̷a͢t ̧ḿe as ͟i ͘p̕a͡ss̷e̴d̀, ̨b̵ut i ̸díd̛n'͠t e҉vèn s̸p͢ár҉e h̀i͝m a̕ s̶econd ҉lo͠ok ̴a̢s i̛ ̡w͠eńt҉.̴

i̵ ̀so͡o͘n ͘f̸ound͏ m͡ys̶elf̷ i҉n͝ ̀a̷nǫther dormįt̛ory ̢r҉oom,͡ and͜ ̢i ̵p̵as͠s͝e͝d th͘roug̷h ͢the ̶doo͠r̷ ea͜s̷il͢y enoug͜h͝.͘ ͜t͡wo y͏o͠un̢g ̀me͞n̕ ẁer̨e͢ s͡l̶ee̸p͘i̶ng̢ ̴so̵und҉l̵ý i͝n͘ t͟h̷is͡ ̵ro̴óm, on̶e͠ i̡n ́eac̸h b̕ed,͠ ̢and̷ ͡i҉ appr͞oa͝c̕hed ͡the b͟ed̡ ͝on ̧th̷e ͝r̨igh́t͜ to͏ in̛sp͞e̵ct͜ ͘t͘he͢ ḩu͝m̡an i̵n̸ ͟i̶t.͢ ͏h̀e͡ ͏w̵as ͝p̛al̕e͘,͏ b̡u҉t҉ ̛no͡t́ ̴t̀o͘o p̢a̡l͟e, an͘ḑ ͞h̵ad͠ s҉ho͜rţ dirty̵-blo̵n̶d͜ę ̸hąi͘r.̢ ̨i͟ ̀c͜o͞u͘ld̛ ţel̵l ̛t҉ha̢t ̵hȩ ̶w̕a҉s mi̡s̕er͠a͝b̕le, and̷ i͡ w̕on̴d͢e̸r̕ed͜ if thát̷ ͠w͠a̕s ̢becąusè of̷ the ̢envir̷on̢m̀ènt͜ ͝he͞ ̷w̢às̕ ̕i̛n͡ ǫr ͡i͢f ̧it́ w̧a͞s͟ fo̡r an̵o̵t̕hér r͠easo̵n͠.̢ st̷i̶ll, he̶ b̀o̵r̸ed͟ ́m̧e, an̢d̡ ͠i͟ m̷o̶ved ̸ţǫ ͝lòǫk át ̕the ot͟hér ̕b͜o͜y.͡ ̶

thi͠ş one ̀i̸nterest̛ed͏ ͝m̶e̴ mo̸re.͜ lo͏n͜g ̴b̴londe̷ ̸h̨aír̀, ͝s͏múdge҉d̶ ͡ęy҉eli̵n͟er͠ tha̸t͘ h͠a̸d ̧bee҉n̕ r̵ébe̸l͠liou͜śl͡y͟ áp̢p̢l͟i̢ed̕ b̨èfo͢re ̕bed͟, ͏an̕d ͏s̶ki̵n ̕nea͘r͢l͝y ͜as ̵tr͡an͟slu҉c͜ent a̸s͏ tra̢c͘ing p̨áp͞er.͟ ͜he,͝ to̡o̷, ̡w̶as̢ ̧m̧i͢s̡èrabl͝e, b͠ut ͏h̨i͞s ͏m̸isery ͟c҉a҉l̀l̸ed͟ out t̴o̢ m͏e l̨i͢ke a ̀s͡ongbi͏rd̴. i̧ ͢w͡ou͞l͝d̀ b̨e̡ h̛oldin̸g͘ ̕mỳ b͟r̨e̷at̡h ̨i̢f͢ ͞i ̴hád th҉e͘ a͘bi̕lįty̴ to̴ ͝b̸re̴at̸he͢.҉

he wa̸ś ̢p̧er̨f̕e̷ćt̡.

[urfavmurtad]

What advice do you have for someone who just became an ex-muslim and feels life makes no sense without Islam because that's what the indoctrination said? I feel so hopeless and it feels life makes no sense. I don't know where to start from.

Aw anon this is a depressing ask but I get what you mean. I talk like a hardass on here sometimes but I did have moments when I felt like that as a kid. There was a time in my childhood that I did buy into all of it, and there was a time when I fully believed that going down the “questioning” path would seriously lead straight to hell, in the literal sense. That was a while ago, but imma try to put myself back in that mindset as I answer this for you.

First thing: your life has meaning without Islam. The majority of the world’s population is not Muslim and they manage to find meaning in their life easily enough. Our teachers may have taught us that life is pointless without it, but it ain’t. You have to simply force yourself to accept that.

The second thing you gotta do is build up a moral/value system that does not rely upon Islam (or religion in general if you are so inclined). You are a good person. You have good values. You can still keep all those values, including ones that you associate with Islam, without buying into the faith as a whole. Parts of Islam as an ideology are off-putting and tbh, genuinely bad. But that doesn’t mean that if the Quran says “be nice to orphans”, you gotta stop being nice to orphans just because you left Islam. Keep the good things you were taught, get rid of the bad. Start there. If you can’t tell how you feel about a certain topic–like views of homosexuality or women in leadership roles or something of that nature–try looking at it outside the lens of Islam. Ask yourself, is this thing objectively bad, or have I just been taught that it is?

Once you get a fairly good feel for where your system of morals stands, I guess then you can try to re-build your religious/spiritual life on your own terms, if you want. I am an atheist, but if you wanna believe in some creator god? Or some general spiritual force? Or even another religion? If you wanna believe in some sort of heaven but not a hell? All that is fine. Whatever makes sense to you. It’s nobody’s business but your own. I personally do not find any fulfillment in any of that kind of thing, but there’s no reason why you can’t.

Here’s another thing: if you ever do openly leave Islam, as in leave the “ummah”, there is something you need to keep in mind, and it’s a sense of belonging. I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to have a community and a social support network. Tbh I think that’s one of the main draws of any religion, not just Islam–easy access to people who see you as One Of Their Own and will help you out when you need help, whether it’s emotional or financial or w/e. But it’s not an unconditional relationship, no matter how much people pretend it is… if you openly no longer believe, you are no longer One Of Their Own. So when you leave a religion, even if you’re still in the closet, it’s super important to find a replacement for that sense of community.

And maybe that sounds too formal, idk, but I just mean… having good friends who understand your situation, having people who are not religious around you, being involved in some sort of club or organization, anything like that. One thing that’s really helped me feel happy and fulfilled these past couple of years is pushing myself past my comfort zone regarding stuff like that. I was a little shy in high school, I had like 3 good friends and hated socializing with ppl I didn’t know lmao but then I realized… if I don’t start forcing myself to meet new people, I’m never gonna expand my social circle, and I’m gonna be stuck with the same religious friends (they aren’t bad friends!! It’s just I know they wouldn’t approve of my Life Choices™️) forever. So I joined a few clubs at school and forced myself to go to the meetings and actually talk to ppl and make friends. I started doing a lil charity work (not a Muslim charity) and met a bunch of really sweet ppl who are so nice to talk to. I even joined an all-girls exercise group at the school gym and I am NOT a gym rat lol. All of it has broadened my life so much.

It’s rly hard when you’re shy. Trust me, I know it firsthand. But u just gotta go for it!! Make close friends, get yourself involved in some groups, do work that makes you feel fulfilled. It eats away at a lot of the loneliness. If you feel like you’re making the world a better place even a tiny bit, it can ease negative feelings in general. I’m gonna assume that you’re around my age or younger, and if you’re anything like me, you had a lil depressive spell (or maybe you’re still going through it) when you really, seriously mentally checked out of Islam because you realized how much of your life and sense of identity was tied to it. Not to mention potential future issues with family, which tbh I haven’t really figured out myself yet 😅 (the plan rn is: stay closeted but build up a social network and financial independence while I’m in school, then cross that bridge when I come to it).

But just remember that you’re young af. I’m young af too. We have so much time to rebuild ourselves and find identities that do not revolve around the ideology of a guy who owned sex slaves tbh! Take a year or two or ten to figure out who you are and what you really believe in, separate from all the crap we’ve been taught. And always feel free to message me anon if you’re feeling down cuz sis (or bro), I’ve been there. Stay strong!! 💖 💖

[transitiaritualia]

Ok, so probably I have to make something clear. Since I know both languages (my latin is not really good tho but is enough).

First of all, Sui Ishida tried to write a latin phrase with Greek letters. Which I don't think is insulting in any way since many write Greek with latin characters so foreigners can read them. It's just like romanji (japanese with latin characters).

But the truth is, they're some mistakes and it bothered me for awhile now so I'm glad someone mentioned it.

Now let's figure out the quote itself first. It originally comes from the Roman poet Ovidius born in 43 b.c.

The actual quote goes like this: "sic ego nec sine te nec tecum vivere possum" and it translates to: "So I can't live neither without you nor with you".

Sic=so, ego=I, nec=or, sine=without, te=you(it's different than "tu" which also means "you" because te it's an object while tu is a subject), nec=or, cum=with (here cum translates like this, that's not always the case) so tecum=with you, vivere=to live, possum= I can (now I don't know where the f*ck the "not" is supposed to be. I haven't studied latin for some years know but my guess is that in latin there's no double negation but whatever you got the point)

Now Sui Ishida by writing it like this "nec possum tecum vivere nec sine te" = "or I can(not) with you to live or without you", he really fucked the syntax of the sentence. All I'm going to say is that in latin there's a rule were the verb(possum) is always at the end of the phrase, which it isn't in this case. Obviously that's not the only problem with the syntax but that would be enough for now.

Lastly, we have the issue with the Greek letters. Do they actually spell the phrase "nec possum tecum vivere nec sine te" correctly? The answer is no.

Sui Ishida writes it like this: "

While the correct way to write it is like this:

Νεκ πόσσουμ τεκούμ βιβέρε νεκ σινέ τε.

Nec is pronounced ne'k and not ne'h, so we need the Greek letter for k which is κ and not the letter which makes the same sound as h as in the word hurray which is χ. Same for tecum.

Possum and tecum. The u is pronounced with oo like in zoo. When we write Greek to English or the opposite we indeed write υ with u or y. But the Greek υ is pronounced like e in feel. So if we want to have the accurate sound of possum and tecum then υ must become ου(the Greek oo).

Vivere. The V for Greek is B. The ω (ωιωερε) that goggle translate put in place of:

Is not correct. The above letter is not the Greek omega ω, but instead a calligraphic π (p), if I'm not mistaken. Well in any case is still not a V (β).

So yeah. Sui Ishida indeed fucked the phrase up but your explanation of why that's the case is not correct either.

Well, I hope mine is. (Not that confident with the latin)

GUYS IM SO FUCKING DONE.

So, Uta’s neck tattoo. It’s latin, written in Greek script, and translates to ‘I can live neither with you, nor without you’.

Deep shit right there, right

NO.

Bc this fucking man, this fucking man…

Ok, Uta’s neck tattoo looks like this:

This is Greek script.

Now, here is the actual Greek translation of the quote:

Do they look the fucking same to u???

No!

And u know why?

BC ISHIDA DECIDED TO WRITE THE LATIN IN GREEK CHARACTERS, NOT TAKING INTO ACCOUNT THAT GREEK IS IN AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT SCRIPT TO LATIN, MEANING THAT THE SHIT ON UTAS NECK PROBABLY DOESN’T MEAN THAT AT ALL.

Sorry, but u can’t excuse this. Why not just write the quote in Greek??

Also, I decided to put the Latin text that Ishida Greekified into Google translate as Greek text and I got this:

It doesn’t even translate to the Latin properly. That’s how big of a fuck up this is. Do. Your. Fucking. Research.

[diyunho]

The Joker x Reader - “The Red Queen”

The Joker’s Red Queen is as dangerous and lethal as he is. Her heart is full of secrets and she is capable of unspeakable acts. The Queen of Gotham wouldn’t have survived for so long in his world if not for her perfect instincts and abilities.

“Hey, didn’t see you around before; what’s your name?” you address J, turning your head towards him.

“No talking!” one of the heavily geared soldiers warns, holding tighter to his riffle.

You ignore him, rattling your chains in order to get The Joker’s attention:

“Hey, handsome, are you single?”

“I said no talking!” and the van takes a sharp turn, making you lean on J for a few seconds. “Pardon me, sir,” you sniffle, “it wasn’t on purpose. Do you work out?”

“What did I just tell you, hm?” the guard snaps, getting annoyed with your crap.

The Joker has the most demented grin they ever saw on anybody’s face: he just keeps on looking straight, not saying a word. It makes all 5 of them uncomfortable, even if they’ve seen a few insane things in their line of work.

One of the guards quietly analyzes you:  he didn’t see you in person before and now that you’re right in front of him he can’t help but glare:

You are wearing a two piece red leather suit, pants and sleeveless top, red high hills and your very red and very long hair almost reaches your waist. You have “RED QUEEN” tattooed around your neck with red ink like a choker, the word “Joker” repeatedly going down from it about an inch apart, making look like a necklace. Your left cheek has “King” tattooed with green ink next to a red heart and your right cheek is tattooed with the word “Queen.” More tattoos on your arms, spelling “J+Y/N”, “Red Queen” and “Mister J’s Queen.”

You smirk and he realizes you’re looking back at him.

“You’re cute. Like what you see?” you wink, unraveling your perfect white teeth that stand out even more against the bright red lipstick.

No answer.

“Are you hitting on my woman?” The Clown Prince of Crime finally speaks in such an outworldly tone it almost manifests in physical form. Definitely gave you goosebumps and you love it. Your guardians, not that much.

“I wasn’t doing any…”

“Don’t engage, that’s what they want,” the one that seems in charge reminds the rest of them.

You giggle, then start humming and grab J’s arm:

“Anytime now,” you whisper and your hand gets slapped away by the soldier that was checking you out earlier:

“No touching you damned lunatics!”

“Calm down, we are only here to make sure they get to the destination, it will be over soon,” the guy next to him points out, trying to keep everybody’s temper under control.

“If you touch The Red Queen one more time, you’re dead,” J threatens, the psychotic smug smile returning on his face.

“Shut the hell up, you crazy son of a…” the warden starts his tirade but gets interrupted.

“I said don’t engage, it is exactly what they want!”

“Yes, captain,” the man straightens his back even more, taking a deep breath before regaining his posture.

“Wise words honey,” you agree, smacking your lips. “And if you talk to the King of Gotham in such a disrespectful manner one more time, you’re not going to live through the night,” you crack your shoulders, maintaining an eerie smile.

“Shut up!” you get yelled at once more.

“Nobody…” The Joker’s chest is going up and down faster and faster, “…tells my Queen to shut up except me!!” He’s beginning to lose control and you are very fond of what follows.

“Why are these two freaks so obsessed with each other?! I don’t get it!” the soldier that slapped your hand gets mad.

“Do not engage, don’t make me repeat it one more time!!!” the captain snarls, tired with tonight’s assignment. He was supposed to be in bed already, if not for this stupid late night secret mission.

“Sorry, sir,” the apology is fast to follow.

You tap your red painted nails on the metal bar that separates your seat from J’s, amused.

“This was fun, huh? I’m not bored anymore,” you snicker and the Joker is fast to laugh in such a strange way it makes them all cringe.

A sudden strong impact and the van being turned around at 360 degrees makes you grab his hand and mutter:

“A few minutes late; could be worse, right?”

***************** *** Both of you were in the mood for some action and had to do something about it: you decided to burgle a fancy jewelry store and let yourselves be captured. Of course that once the cops were there they called the Special Unit Force to escort you in great secrecy to Gotham Police headquarters.

Frost and your henchmen were instructed to follow closely and stop them from fulfilling their objective. All was planned in only one day: when the adrenaline rushes through your veins, no need for more - just act on instinct and impulsiveness. Your goons faked a blockade and the unmarked, bullet proof van took a turn towards the less busy roads under the Bridge of Angels. No convoy of police cars, no sirens, no fuss: the point was to haul you without getting any unwanted attention.

Which you guessed will happen.

And it did. ***

“What do you want to do with them, Doll?” J aims his head towards the kneeled soldiers surrounded by about 25 armed henchmen.

“I don’t know, they were pretty entertaining, don’t you think?” you rest your head on The Joker’s shoulder as he’s holding on to your waist.

“Should we kill them?” he inquires, undecided. He’s starting to trace your neck tattoo with his fingers, purring with such intensity it sends shivers down your spine. How you love the sensation!

“Whatever you want, baby,” you bite your red lips, fluttering your eyelashes. “But I don’t want be here anymore since we already had our fun. Actually…I take it back…We can have even more fun since we’re still awake,” you change your mind instantly because you’re both so turned on by tonight’s events. “Just state your will and then let’s go, the boys can take care of the rest. I really want to get you back to the penthouse. Pleeassee…” you moan the last sentence in his ear and he closes his eyes, aroused with anticipation.

“You’re such a bad girl, Pumpkin,” he growls, brushing his thumb on your “King” tattoo for a few moments, fighting with himself. “Go in the car, I’ll be back shortly,” he urges you, spanking your butt as you turn around and walk away towards one of the SUV’s awaiting on the side of the road.

******************

Early morning and you didn’t snooze for one second. You surely exhausted J and now he’s in a deep sleep. You carefully move your head from his chest, cautious not to wake him up. You snatch a pair of jeans and a t-shirt from the closet, not making any noises, and after finding your car keys you sneak out of the penthouse, avoiding being seen at all costs.

After about 20 minutes of driving, you get to the meeting point at the abandoned factory on Helssel Street. Your contact is already there. You approach, suspicions.

“Who are you?” you grumble, surveilling your surroundings, just in case.

“My name is agent Collins. Nice to meet you agent Y/N,” the guy tries to speak and you cut him off.

“Spare me! Are you new?” you squint your eyes, already uneasy and displeased.

“Yes, just started with the bureau 6 months ago,” he informs, holding his ground.

“Are you kidding me??!! They are sending someone new? What level are you, did you even get your clearance level A yet?!” you raise your voice, annoyed. My God, what the hell are they doing sending this newbie to talk to you?!

“Not yet, soon, this is one of my tasks in order to obtain it.”

“I only deal with FBI agents that are at least level C, this is unacceptable!” you strut towards him and he doesn’t seem happy at your rant.

“With all due respect, agent Y/N, you might be level E, but it doesn’t mean that…” Collins protests, aware his skills need improvement but he’s not incompetent, otherwise he wouldn’t have made it this far.

“With all due respect, agent Collins,” you interrupt with a gesture of your hand,” don’t speak about things you know nothing about. I am involved in a very dangerous and strenuous undercover mission as I am sure you are aware. I can’t risk having my cover blown off, not after 3 years. It was very hard work to get into his world and make him trust me. I can’t risk any mistakes, that’s why I am appalled they send a new agent for our little briefing.”

“I am good at what I do, I’m not a kid. Please don’t address me as such,” he has the nerve to reply.

You chuckle, wanting to punch his lights out:

“Do you know what level E is?”

Collins nods a yes, irked you treat him like an idiot when in fact he’s very capable of handling all this. You just have your opinions so you continue:

“Level E agents are trained to do everything it takes for their missions. EVERYTHING! And The Joker is one…” and you almost scream, ”…tough insane psychopath!!! And I have to fuck him, kill for him, do EVERYTHING he asks of me since I am his ‘girlfriend’. Oh, I’m sorry, am I offending your little virgin ears??!!!” you suck on your teeth when he flaunts that grimace all over his mug. “I do EVERYTHING to keep myself in his world, this way I can give the Bureau all the info they need about the corrupt officials he deals with, future plans he might have, names, locations and dates. The Joker will go down last, after we get all we need.”

He is clearly offended and you are losing your patience. You take a deep breath and finish the meeting:

“Tell them all is good, I will e-mail them more encrypted data soon,” and you start walking away.

“I will actually be the one decrypting it!” he notifies you and you just raise your arm, shaking it as goodbye.

“Tell someone that cares, honey.”

You walk a couple of blocks to get to the alley where you parked your car. You are furious they send an agent in training and keep on mumbling to yourself. You had more things to say but because you’re stubborn, you refused to. I guess you’ll just have to send all the stuff in your e-mail.

You are almost at your vehicle when you see a shadow emerging from behind the building and you realize is The Joker.

“Baby Doll,” he walks fast your way and you nervously gulp, halting in your tracks.

“J, what are you doing here? I was just…”

You don’t get to finish your phrase because he hugs you tight, crushing you in his arms.

“I am being a gentleman and making sure my girl gets safely to her car,” he whispers and you lose your breath when you feel the sharp blade piercing through your ribs, deeper and deeper. You push him away, wincing in pain, hardly being able to still stand, shocked.

Why are you so dizzy and why can’t you move? You attempt to say something but barely manage to open your mouth. You start coughing and lean your back against the car, sliding down to the ground, everything fading from your already cloudy mind.

“Something to remind you of me, Kitten,” J stops in front of you, kicking your leg.  “The blade has been dipped in a paralyzing substance, this way you won’t struggle. As a thanks for being an awesome girlfriend,” and he reaches his hand to close your eyes. You wish you could fight, but the numbness took over your body with an alarming velocity. And now that your eyes are closed, maybe they won’t open again.

*****************

“Welcome back, Y/N,” you hear Commissar Gordon’s voice and you blink a few times, trying to focus on his face.

“Hello, s-sir…” you manage utter, coming back to reality. You are in a hospital bed, hooked to IV’s. “Where…where am I?” you lift your head from the pillow and instantly drop it back, weak and feeling drained.

“FBI headquarters, ICU unit, I guess you’re not familiar since you’ve never had to use it,” he gets up from his chair and takes a sit on your bed.

“How long was I out?” you lick your lips, thirsty and still a bit out of it.

“Two days. You were lucky Agent Collins followed you and found you in time,” he sighs, grateful you are still breathing.

“That bad, huh?” you moan in pain when you try to turn on your side. You lift the sheet up and see you are patched up where The Joker stabbed you.

“Well, it wasn’t good either. I’m glad you’re still with us,” Gordon admits and you know he’s sincere.

“Thank you, sir,” you wince in pain. “My cover got blown up, do we know what happened?” you request to find out.

“No, not yet, I think we might have a moll, we are thoroughly investigating the problem.”

“3 years…3 fucking years, and all is lost,” your eyes get teary from frustration and he touches your hand, sympathetic.

“I’m sorry, you were unbelievably tenacious and did a lot of good work. I know you’ve been through hell…”

“I’m fine,” you lie, not happy at your present situation.

“They will want to talk to you as soon as possible, they need all the information they can obtain. You don’t get to rest even if you deserve it. They will expect a full report and you’ll have to go through all the required steps, there are rules to be followed.”

“I know, sir,” you finally manage to lift yourself on your elbow.

“They are aware certain…feelings and …emotions are involved after being with him for so long, they want you in counselling and therapy too.”

“I understand the procedure, sir, it’s OK,” you agree, obedient. All this shit that follows comes with the job. “I don’t know how he followed me, I added the sleeping pills in his water and watched him drink it,” you fret, puzzled on how it went downhill so fast. “I’m a level E agent, I know what I’m doing.”

The commissar gets up, taking his leave. He knows better than to let you continue to torment yourself at this point. It’s no use.

“I’ll let you rest, then, we’ll keep in touch.”

You point your finger towards your neck tattoo, no words are necessary.

“You’ll have those removed as soon as there’s time.”

“Sir!” you yell after him when he opens the door. “Can I please have somebody help dying my hair back to black today? I can’t stand this red anymore!”

“Of course,” he exhales, contemplating about a million things he needs to do after this total fiasco of your undercover operation ending so abruptly.

******************

A few weeks go by and you are caught in the endless twist of briefings, meetings, reports and assessment sessions to assert your state of mind, while they are looking for The Joker with no success. You didn’t even have time to remove all your tattoos because it’s a long process and right now you don’t have precious hours to spare. You just cover your skin with make-up, burying your past under and the two accursed names that will forever be ingrained in your memory: The Joker and his Red Queen.  

*****************

**Three months after the incident the SWAT team was able to capture your former boyfriend at your suggestion that he might be hanging around certain places. After all, you knew so many of his secrets and were able to predict his moves because you got to experience firsthand on how he works. You are not a level E agent for nothing! You didn’t waste so many years on this task, so much of your life and expertise just to sit around and not counteract. When you got the call in the middle of the night, you jumped out of bed so fast you almost dropped your cell, shaking at the unexpected news. He will be transported in great secrecy to Arkham Asylum where he surely belongs.

You are appointed as one of the 4 agents to accompany him to his destination and you get ready in such a hurry it scares you. Can’t wait to face the jerk and strangle him yourself if you get the chance, that is. **

You are sitting right across from a handcuffed Joker, panting and trying to control your urge to act. He just looks down at his shoes, avoiding eye contact for once. The other three agents are sitting to your left in perfect silence and alert.

J decides to move his blue gaze from the floor to your face, a total deranged smirk flourishing on his lips.

“Hi there Princess,” and he snorts, rolling his eyes.

“No talking!” one of your companions warns.

“What is it with you guys and no talking, huh?” he moves his jaw sideways, his eyes burning with madness.

The van stops at a red light and then continues its itinerary.

He winks at you, delighted in his lunacy.

“I’m glad to see you’re alive and well, Doll,” he yammers, disregarding the rest of them. “Daddy missed you!” he purrs and you clench your teeth, really straining to keep it together.

“Cut it out or you’re gonna get it!” the threat comes and he laughs, excited.

“Ahhhh, promise?… Don’t interrupt while I’m talking to my woman!!” he abruptly changes his voice to such a low tone it’s uncomfortable to hear.

You indifferently begin to wipe the foundation covering your tattoos on neck and cheeks with the sleeve of your suit, still quiet.

“Shut it down, Clown, I mean it!!!” the guy closest to you loses his patience, aggravated.

You instantly decide to verbalize your feelings:

“If you talk to the King of Gotham in such a disrespectful manner one more time, you’re not going to live through the night,” you tilt your head towards the man, chuckling and they all instinctively reach for their guns. “Thank God I was in charge of loading them, right?” you kiss the air, satisfied they fell for it. “Nahhh, I wouldn’t do that,” you pucker your lips when they still try to do something about it, getting ready to fight. “Don’t do anything stupid, you know what I’m capable of. Might I remind you I’m a level E agent?”

*****************

You kick the limp bodies at your feet, uncuffing J in the process.

“You’re mad at me?” he checks, inhaling your perfume.

“I thought we agreed you’re not going to stab me, yes?!” you snap at him, and he kisses your wrist, euphoric to touch you again. “You really took me by surprise!” “I changed my mind, it was the best plan in order to achieve what we wanted, Pumpkin. And I used the paralyzing substance so you won’t feel pain. Am I nice to my girl or what?!” he praises himself, high from all the excitement of seeing you in action again; it’s been a while. 

“I have a scar, you know I hate scars!” you complain, pushing him away when he tries to hug you but then yank him back in your embrace, infatuated by his presence.

“But it was fun, wasn’t it? We were sooo bored, at least it was entertaining for a while. And you got me all the info I wanted right from the source,” he impatiently kisses you and it makes you weak in the knees. “How come my Red Queen has black hair, hm?” he tugs on your long locks, his hot lips kissing your shoulder up your neck. “Unacceptable!” he growls and you smile, enjoying having him so close again.

“It will be back to red again tomorrow,” you agree and you sense the van stopping. “I think we’re here,” you happily announce, relieved you’re back where you belong and don’t have to pretend anymore.

*************************

Your treachery was a strong blow to the bureau; they didn’t expect that to happen in a million years. Commissar Gordon was heartbroken at the news, he completely trusted you and had high hopes. He even saw you in a high rank within the organization as a future perspective. He would have vouch for you and supported you all the way.

But things turned ugly and it pains him to add your name to the FBI most wanted list. He took it upon himself to update your online file:

Agent Name: Y/N

Code Name: The Red Queen

Clearance Level: E

Status: Inactive

Special instructions: Extremely dangerous, approach with caution

His fingers are hesitant on the keyboard as he types in the final note:

Grade A Warning: Rogue

Also read: MASTERLIST

http://diyunho(dot)tumblr(dot)com/post/153664676321/joker-x-reader-masterlist

[miraculouspaon]

More Things in Heaven and Earth

Chapter Three

AO3

Evelyn had been in Madaba for about three weeks when she got the message.

About six weeks earlier, she’d uncovered a new method of power augmentation, a way to attune pieces of her own magic to the Dead Sea. It was a complicated process, and it would take a few more weeks at least, but Evelyn was sure it would be well worth the effort in the end, and it was exactly the kind of work she loved anyway.

When Evelyn first looked at the message and saw it was from Ian Girard, she almost deleted it without reading any further. Evelyn knew of him, she had a healthy respect for his abilities, but she and Ian had very different philosophies when it came to power. For two of the most powerful sorcerers in Europe, their paths rarely crossed. Ian’s methods were all about temporary boosts. Easier to master, and better results in the short term certainly, but those results would fade without a constant influx of external energy sources. Evelyn, on the other hand, prefered to stick with permanent power acquisitions and enhancements. It was slower, it was harder, but Evelyn felt it was worth it to be able to rely solely on her own magic and nothing else.

Still, Evelyn skimmed the e-mail. It was vague, no surprise there, but Evelyn found herself rereading the details once she’d finished. If she was being honest, the detail that really caught her attention was the price. For a number that high, Ian was either going against his usual modus operandi and selling a permanant technique, or he’d discovered a kind of temporary power boost so strong that even Evelyn hesitated to ignore it. At any rate, it was only one evening out of her life, and Evelyn could always turn the offer down after hearing what it was. She could afford to suspend her work in Jordan for a weekend trip, and she could surprise Adrien a few weeks early. After a quick five-minute deliberation, she booked the flight.

 ~~~

 So far, Evelyn was underwhelmed.

She’d landed in Paris with just enough time to make it to Ian’s apartment, where he’d insisted she leave behind her personal belongings before teleporting her to God-knew-where. Evelyn had been expecting that. What she hadn’t been expecting was to then be standing around in a small, mostly bare room with three other strangers for what felt like forever, with absolutely no word from Ian on how much longer they’d have to wait.

After about twenty minutes, Evelyn figured she might as well make use of the time Ian seemed intent on wasting and network a little. She preferred to work independently whenever possible, of course, but it was impossible to avoid other sorcerers entirely and it never hurt to make a good impression. She approached the nearest one with a smile, holding out her hand as she reached him. “Evelyn Moreau,” she said.

“Victor Roux,” he replied genially, taking her hand and kissing the back of it. “An honor to make your acquaintance. Your reputation precedes you.”

“And yours; I believe I've taken advantage of quite a bit of your work from the nineties on ley lines. It's nice to have a face to put to the research.”

“You flatter me,” Victor replied. “I don’t believe I’ve ever seen you at one of Ian’s demonstrations before.”

Evelyn shrugged. “He usually doesn't extend an invitation,” she replied. “This one piqued my curiosity. You don't know any details, do you?”

“None whatsoever. Ian never gives out any in advance.” Victor leaned forward conspiratorially. “Between you and me, he tends towards the theatrical.”

Evelyn grinned. “I'm sure we all do somewhat, or we wouldn't have gotten into this line of work.”

Victor laughed. “That's true,” he admitted.

“Does Ian usually run this far behind, out of curiosity? I can certainly appreciate being fashionably late for the sake of an entrance, but this is pushing it.”

“Not at all,” Victor replied. “He's usually very punctual, actually. If I had to guess, I'd say he botched a knockout spell. Unusual for him, considering how often he casts them, but,” Victor shrugged, “what else could it be?”

Evelyn blinked. “Knockout spell? On whom?”

“Oh, whoever the lucky volunteer for the evening is,” Victor said sarcastically. He noticed Evelyn’s blank look. “Oh, that's right, you're not familiar with Ian’s methods.”

“I know he tends to prefer shortcuts,” Evelyn replied.

“Right. Well, shortcuts come at a price more often than not. And,” Victor chuckled, “I mean, Ian’s not going to pay it, is he?”

“Oh,” Evelyn said. “I see.”

“That's not going to be a problem, is it?” Victor asked. “Ian hates it when clients start, you know, moralizing.”

“I have no intention of doing anything of the sort,” Evelyn replied immediately. “I'm not his keeper. He can do whatever he likes so long as it doesn't interfere with my life or work.”

Two years ago, Evelyn would have meant it, too. She wasn't naive, after all; she knew there were plenty of sorcerers who did such things. For the vast majority of her career, Evelyn had figured that as long as she wasn't doing it personally, what other people did was neither her business nor her responsibility. Now, though, somewhat to her annoyance, she couldn't help but think it was the kind of thing Adrien would get upset about. They warned you about so many things when you had a child, about how difficult and expensive and exhausting it would be. They never warned you that the child might grow up to be the conscience you never asked for.

“But it's a deal-breaker for you personally, is that it?” Victor asked.

“Oh, I don't really like shortcuts anyway,” Evelyn said dismissively. “And I prefer to keep my business legal. Less work in the long term, I find.”

“I haven't bothered worrying about the law at all since I mastered memory spells,” Victor replied, “but to each his own.” He looked at Evelyn. “Actually, while I’ve got you here,” he said, “I’d love to pick your brain about your work in Tibet, if you don’t mind?”

Evelyn pushed her unexpected moral qualms aside. She could worry about it all later, the next time she saw Adrien. She was here now, so there was nothing to do but go along with it. “Of course,” Evelyn said warmly, “I’d be happy to discuss my work. It’s not as though I have anything else to do, after all.”

It was over ninety minutes later before anything happened, though the time passed far more quickly after Evelyn began chatting with Victor. Finally, though, the lights in the room dimmed, save for a single light over a stool on the other side of the room.

“You weren’t kidding about that theatrical thing,” Evelyn murmured. Victor chuckled, but before he could respond the door opened and Ian entered the room. He was making his apologies for the delay, Victor was shooting Evelyn an I-told-you-so look, but Evelyn barely registered any of it. She was too busy staring at the woman Ian had dragged in behind him.

Oh, you have got to be fucking kidding me, Evelyn thought.

 ~~~

 Evelyn stared at the closed door, still stunned. “Well, that was new,” an amused Victor said behind her, snapping her out of her daze.

“Ian doesn’t typically pick subjects related to the people he’s selling to, then?” Evelyn asked.

“First I’ve seen,” Victor replied easily, “and I’ve been working with him for years.” He took a step next to her. “You don’t seem as thrilled as Ian expects you to be.”

Evelyn wracked her brain. “They’ve got primary custody of my son,” she finally said. “The subjects.”

“You have a son?”

“It’s a very convenient arrangement for me, and obviously it goes away if they both drop dead. Having full custody of him will interfere with my work.” Evelyn turned to Victor. “I don’t suppose Ian could be persuaded to let her go and pick some other pair?”

“After that display?” Victor asked wryly. “Not a chance. Sorry. How old’s your son?”

“Eighteen,” Evelyn admitted. “But he’s still in school,” she added quickly.

“He’ll be fine,” Victor said dismissively. “Cheer up. The technique has got to be worth the inconvenience, right? I mean, Jesus, severing a soul-link. I honestly never thought I’d live to see the day. And besides, some part of you must be at least a little pleased it’s happening to them. Losing your husband to a soulmate, that’s gotta sting. Happened to my wife’s sister, actually, ten years and she’s still not over it. If she got an opportunity like this, you can bet she’d jump at it.”

“Maybe I’m not that petty,” Evelyn replied.

Victor laughed. “We’re all that petty,” he said. “It’s just not all of us admit it.”

Before Evelyn could respond, Ian returned, carrying a giant bag of supplies, and immediately began addressing the room. “Alright, the prep work for this is pretty extensive, so I’d like to-”

“Ian,” Evelyn interrupted, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to object to your choice in subjects.”

The room went dead silent. Ian stared at her wordlessly for a moment, clearly taken aback at being interrupted. “I picked them specifically with you in mind,” he said.

“Yes, I’m aware,” Evelyn replied coolly, crossing her arms. “However, you must be aware that I am an extremely powerful sorceress in her own right.”

Ian straightened defensively. “So?”

“So did it not occur to you,” Evelyn said, slowly and precisely, “that if I wanted my ex-husband or his new wife dead, they’d be dead already?”

“Well, I thought perhaps-”

“Their deaths will be extremely inconvenient for me,” Evelyn continued. “The more I think about it, the less I like it. You’re going to have to use someone else.”

Ian glared. “Absolutely not,” he said. “It took me weeks to scout this pair out properly. And to be quite honest, after dealing with that woman I find myself looking forward to it on a purely personal level.”

Evelyn rolled her eyes. “Yes, that sounds like Nathalie,” she said wryly. “All the same, I have to insist on-”

“Is this really about convenience?” Ian interrupted.

Evelyn raised an eyebrow. “What else would it be about?”

Ian shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe I had you pegged wrong. I assumed you’d have enough self-respect to want revenge on the man who rejected you for a woman ten years younger-”

“Nobody rejected me,” Evelyn interrupted angrily, “I was done with him two years before those damn marks even showed up. What he does with his life now is of no concern to-”

“-but now I’m starting to think maybe you’re not really over him,” Ian finished. “Maybe you’re still in love with Gabriel Agreste, and that’s why you’re trying to stop me from cutting his soul-link.”

“Excuse me?”

Ian closed the distance between them and looked down at Evelyn. “Did you hear what I told your replacement?” he asked, his voice growing quiet. “About how much control she had over whether this demonstration happened or not?”

“Yes, I heard your little ‘We can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way’ speech,” Evelyn said icily. “It sounded very well rehearsed.”

“Well, the same goes for you,” Ian said. “This demonstration is happening. You can either stay here and learn from it, and be a part of the biggest breakthrough in the field of magic in the last three centuries, or you can turn down my very generous offer, in which case I’ll wipe your memory of the evening, take you back to Paris, and we’ll part ways forever. Which is it?”

Evelyn clenched her jaw briefly, getting her temper under control. “I’ll stay,” she managed to say.

“Good,” Ian said. He turned around and began rummaging through the bag of supplies he’d brought in with him. “This is why I don’t work with women,” he muttered loudly. “Even the strong ones are weak where it counts.”

As Evelyn felt her fingertips begin to pool with power, Ian’s back completely turned to her and his attention now totally diverted, it occurred to Evelyn that Victor had been right.

She really was that petty.

 ~~~

 Evelyn had almost made it to the end of the hallway when she collided, quite unexpectedly, with someone. Adrenaline still running high, she threw up an open palm and froze the figure before she realized who it was. A second later, she sighed in relief. “Jesus, Nathalie, you scared me,” Evelyn said, half laughing. Nathalie glared at her silently. “Right, sorry.” Evelyn waved her hand and released her.

“What are you doing?” Nathalie demanded in a whisper.

“Well,” Evelyn said casually, “I was on my way to rescue you. But you seem to have everything under control, so I guess I'll just get out of your way.”

Nathalie raised an eyebrow skeptically. “Rescue me? After your friend went to all the trouble of kidnapping me just for you?”

Evelyn rolled her eyes. “Yes, that was a particularly obnoxious miscalculation on his part. Don't worry, though, it's the last one he’ll ever make.”

Nathalie’s face went a shade paler. “What does that mean?”

Evelyn nodded her head in the direction she'd come from, and Nathalie noticed a door ajar a few meters away. “See for yourself,” Evelyn said lightly.

Apprehensively, Nathalie walked past Evelyn to the open door and stuck her head in. Half a second later she'd quickly pulled back out, covering her mouth with her hand. “Oh my God,” she said weakly.

Evelyn raised an eyebrow. “I really didn't think you'd object, all things considered,” she said. “You're not going to throw up, are you?”

Nathalie shook her head, but her face was almost green and she kept her mouth covered. “No, I just… could have used a warning.”

“Well, I would have given you one if I'd known you were going to be such a baby about it.”

“You killed all of them!”

“Don't be so melodramatic, I killed one of them,” Evelyn corrected. “The other three will wake up tomorrow. Probably. Anyway, you heard what Ian said about me. My delicate female sensibilities can't handle murder, can they? I mean, he was practically daring me to kill him at that point.” Nathalie’s expression did not change. “Oh, lighten up, I was joking. I assure you, killing Ian was not optional. It was either him or you, he made that very clear.”

“You do this kind of thing a lot?” Nathalie asked, still sounding weak and now leaning heavily against the wall.

“What, rescue beautiful damsels in distress from evil sorcerers? Not at all,” Evelyn said, her eyes lighting up. “It's exhilarating. You know, I wrote off the whole hero thing ages ago but now I'm really beginning to see the appeal.”

Nathalie blinked. “I meant homicide,” she finally said.

“Oh,” Evelyn said, her face falling slightly. “That. I'd rather not say, if it's all the same to you.” She paused, studying Nathalie’s face. “You really don't look good.”

“Just give me another minute, I'll be fine.”

“I didn't peg you as the queasy type, you know.”

“I'm not. It's,” Nathalie closed her eyes as another wave of nausea hit, “a recent development.”

“What is that supposed to…” Evelyn trailed off and her eyes widened. “Oh my God, you're pregnant,” she said accusingly.

Nathalie ignored this for a moment, focusing on getting rid of her nausea through sheer force of will. “So what if I am?” she asked.

“Good Lord, you’ve been married for what, three months? Gabriel doesn't waste any time, does he? What were you thinking?”

Nathalie glared. “We were thinking,” she said, “that neither of us is getting any younger and the window is closing faster than we’d like. We both wanted it, so there didn't seem to be any point in waiting. If I'd known one of your psychopathic friends was going to kidnap me, I assure you I would have put it off a few more months.”

“No wonder you were so sensitive to that knockout spell,” Evelyn muttered to herself. Nathalie’s eyes widened slightly.

“Are they dangerous?” Nathalie asked, with a casualness that was obviously entirely affected. “Knockout spells? For pregnancies?”

Evelyn bit her lip. “I'm sure you'll be fine,” she said, but she could tell she’d paused just a little too long for Nathalie’s comfort. “Come on. I wiped everyone’s memories of us being here, but we should be as far away as possible when they finally wake up. Is there any evidence lying around that you were here?”

“My shoes,” Nathalie said. “Back in the room Ian was keeping me in, I didn’t want to make any noise.” Evelyn nodded, and the two women made their way back down the hall and into the room. Nathalie walked over to the bed as Evelyn glanced around.

“Those your personal set?” Evelyn asked, nodding towards the handcuffs Nathalie had obviously picked her way out of.

“Hilarious,” Nathalie said dryly. “So where are we, anyway?” she asked, sitting on the mattress and putting her heels back on.

“No idea,” Evelyn replied. “Very far away from another living soul, I'm sure of that much. Ian teleported us all from his apartment in Paris. Standard stuff, teleport everyone to the middle of nowhere, completely cut off from the rest of the world. That's a look,” she added wryly as Nathalie threw on her original button-up shirt over the blouse she was now wearing.

“It's nighttime,” Nathalie said defensively, “and I wasn't wearing a coat when I was abducted. Right now I care more about layers than fashion.”

Evelyn snorted. “Don’t let Gabriel hear you say that.”

Nathalie’s face fell. “I don’t suppose we could call him and let him know I’m alive?”

Evelyn shook her head. “Sorry. No cell phones. That’s standard too, I'm afraid. These kinds of deals tend to be made as far removed from civilization as possible. You can bet we won’t find a car or a landline anywhere on the premises, either.”

“How the hell were you all planning on getting back to Paris?”

“The teleport Ian set up goes both ways,” Evelyn said. “Unfortunately, it died with him. I'm afraid we’re stuck walking.”

“Walking where?” Nathalie asked. In response, Evelyn closed her eyes and began muttering under her breath in a language Nathalie didn’t even recognize, much less understand. After a few minutes she opened her eyes and pointed in a random direction.

“Nearest living person is that way,” Evelyn said. “Probably about...twenty kilometers.”

Nathalie blinked. “Well, of course,” she said. “What better way to round out the day I’ve had than with a twenty kilometer hike. In the middle of nowhere. In the middle of the night. In heels. With you.”

Evelyn grinned, then held out her hand to Nathalie, helping the woman to her feet. “Shall we, then?”

[eikatsukiyomi]

In Heat 💓

So...I’ve started trying my hand at writing ML sin...?  [Nervously leaves this here]

Rated E (for explicit sexual content throughout and language)

Aged-up Mating Cycle/Pheromones AU + Chat Noir with Feline Tendencies

Summary:  It’s the one-year anniversary of when Ladybug and Chat Noir received their powers, and Marinette learns from Tikki that it marks the beginning of the mating cycle: for the next 30 days, Ladybug and Chat Noir will be drawn to each other by powerful pheromones generated by their miraculouses.  The more time they spend in each other’s presence, the stronger the effects will become, until they risk being completely overcome with lust.  And so, Ladybug and Chat Noir have little choice but to brace themselves for what is bound to be a month of intense sexual tension and frustration...but what they don’t know is that they unknowingly cross paths almost every day, and so not even their kwamis can prepare them for how profoundly their heats will affect them.  Will their partnership survive if they give in to temptation?  And what will happen when Hawk Moth figures out what’s going on?

Next Chapter >

Chapter 1:  Summer Fae

Marinette had never looked forward to the first day of a school year, and she was pretty sure she was in the majority; did anyone look forward to the end of summer break?  Even so, dreading the coming of September 1st so much that it caught Hawk Moth’s attention and got you akumatized?  This seemed a bit much.

“Now that I’m here,” proclaimed the supervillain calling herself “Summer Fae,” “Nobody ever has to go to school again!  I’m going to make today--the last day of summer break--last forever!”

She looked to be a girl in middle-school, with her long auburn hair tied back in a wild ponytail and decorated with a crown of flowers.  She was dressed in an orange sundress decorated with fresh green leaves and miniature sunflowers, and she had wings like that of a fairy and was armed with a scepter wrapped in vines.  She didn’t seem to be carrying a grudge against anyone, nor did she seem resentful of society in general, and so she wasn’t particularly aggressive, but she was under Hawk Moth’s control, and so, sooner or later, she would be coming after Ladybug’s and Chat Noir’s miraculouses.

“Okay, but can you be more specific?” Chat Noir called, addressing Summer Fae.  “Is today gonna last forever ‘cause the sun will never go down?  Or will today keep repeating without the date changing?”

“Why, do you have a preference?” Summer Fae asked.

“Does it matter?!” Ladybug yelled, glaring at Chat Noir across the street.  He was perched on the edge of the school roof on all fours, like the cat he loved acting like.

“Absolutely!” he yelled back.  He turned his head to address Summer Fae again.  “If you never let night come, you’ll never have another sleepover!  Or see the fireworks at midnight on Bastille Day! Or go on moonlit walks with your true love!”

Ladybug couldn’t decide whether to be surprised or not that Chat Noir was the type to like moonlit walks with his significant other.  She filed that intriguing detail away to think about later.

“Oh, well, don’t worry about that!” Summer Fae said cheerfully, waving a hand.  “Summer nights are nice, even if they aren’t as fun as summer days, in my opinion.  We’ll all get an infinite number of days of summer to do whatever we want with!”

“But is it gonna be like Groundhog Day?” Chat Noir wanted to know.  “Is the same day gonna repeat over and over and over, with everyone doing exactly the same things every time?”

“No, of course not!” Summer Fae cried, pressing a hand to her heart in horror.  “What would be the point of that?!  No, it’s just gonna be a beautiful summer day every day, with no more school!”

“Ah, okay, glad we straightened that out,” Chat Noir said, nodding in satisfaction.  “It sounds like, out of all the ways you could have planned this, you’re doing it the way I would, too!”

“Aw, thank you!” Summer Fae said, beaming.  “You know, Chat Noir, you seem like a really nice guy…if you and Ladybug give me your miraculouses instead of starting a fight with me, I’d love to go on a...a”  

She couldn’t see from here, but it sounded like Summer Fae was probably blushing.

“...a moonlit walk with...with y-y-y-you…!”

Is this for real?  Ladybug marveled, slapping a palm to her forehead.

Chat Noir straightened in surprise.  Then he raised a hand to rub the back of his head.

“Uh, gee, that’s...very, very flattering, mademoiselle!  I must say, you’re the first supervillain to pay me such a glowing compliment!”

“So, what do you say?” Summer Fae asked excitedly.

Ladybug resisted the urge to demand of Chat Noir where the hell he was going with this.  Maybe he actually had a strategy and she just hadn’t caught on, yet.  He wasn’t usually the one to direct the action, but not because he wasn’t smart.  She decided to just keep her eyes open and see where this went.

“Alas, a cat has much more pride than to let himself be wooed by sweet words,” Chat Noir answered dramatically.  “But I’ll tell you a secret…”

He gestured for Summer Fae to approach.  Ladybug gaped at him.

Is THAT how he expects to get the object with the akuma in it?!  Seduce the supervillain?!  He’s gonna make a fool of himself...although I will admit, I would be VERY impressed if it worked...also a little weirded out, though.  IF, just IF there’s a chance he could pull this off, I’d blow the whole thing if I interfered...but maybe I can position myself to be backup if his plan doesn’t work…

Summer Fae appeared to be approaching Chat Noir, albeit hesitantly.  Ladybug quietly jumped down from her perch and started making her way sneakily towards the school.  She took the long way around the side of the building, and began climbing as quickly but quietly as she could.  

Easy does it…

As she approached the edge of the roof, she could hear Summer Fae’s voice...sounding strained and panicky?

“No, wait!  Wait, please!  If I can free him, he’ll give me his miraculous!  And he’ll get us Ladybug’s!  We won’t even have to fight them!  We’ll all get what we want!”

“Free him”?  He’ll give you his miraculous?  And mine?  What is happening?

She hoisted herself up to peek up over the edge.  

Summer Fae was on her knees, eyes screwed shut, gripping the sides of her head like she was suffering a migraine.  Chat Noir was--strangely--sprawled out on his side right next to her, propped up on an elbow and supporting his head on a fist.  He could have been lounging on the beach, except he was eyeing Summer Fae with a look of mingled confusion and concern.

Is she talking to...Hawk Moth?  Of course...he would have to have a way to communicate with his supervillains so that he could tell them what to do.  Is this our chance?  Why is Chat Noir just lying there?!

Just then, Chat Noir caught sight of Ladybug; his eyes gleamed with confidence and he flashed her his trademark smirk.  In the same second, she returned the look; she knew that look:  it said, Victory’s ours, my Lady.

With that, Chat Noir snatched the flower crown off Summer Fae’s head and tossed it to Ladybug.  She tossed it easily with one hand and used her teeth to tear it in two.  

“No more making mischief for you, little akuma!”

The akuma emerged, and Ladybug dropped to ground and whipped out her yo-yo, capturing the black butterfly with practiced ease and purifying it.

“Bye-bye, little butterfly!”

With a cry of, “Miraculous Ladybug!”, she threw her lucky charm--a red and black-polka-dotted replica of Chat Noir’s ring that she hadn’t known what to do with except wear herself--into the air, and a burst of magical ladybugs erupted into the sky, reversing the invisible spell of Summer Fae’s that would have prevented September 1st from ever coming.

She leapt back up onto the school roof where Chat Noir was talking to the girl who had been Summer Fae up until just a moment ago.

“Well...I’m glad I didn’t do anything,” she was murmuring, “But it’s already mid-afternoon, and tomorrow, I’m going back to school!  I don’t want to…”  She sounded close to tears.

Ladybug wanted to sit with them and hear the girl’s story--maybe it would help make sure she didn’t get akumatized again--but she needed to go.  Her earrings beeped, reminding her that she had four minutes before she turned back into Marinette Dupain-Cheng.

But...I’d REALLY love to know how Chat Noir’s plan worked...and how did he know it was her flower crown that had the akuma in it?  I thought for sure it would be her scepter…

“Hey, Chat Noir, I gotta bug out; I’m about to detransform.  But if you hang around, I’d...actually like to hear how you pulled this thing off!  Make sure she gets down safely, and I’ll see you soon?”

Chat Noir’s eyes lit up with excitement at her proposal.  He gave her a two-finger salute and a jaunty grin.

“Leave it to me, my Lady!  I shall eagerly await your return!”

She nodded, leaping off the school rooftop and swinging her way over the Parisian cityscape.

Chat Noir watched her go, then turned back to the young girl.

“What’s your name?” he asked kindly.

“Um, Aimee…” she timidly replied.

“Aimee...it suits you, since you seem to be quite the romantic type!”  He flashed her his encouraging Adrien Agreste smile.

“Uh, thanks!  I guess so,” she murmured.  She blushed and smiled shyly.

“So, what is it about going back to school that’s upsetting you?” he asked.  “It must be pretty bad if it caught Hawk Moth’s attention.”

Aimee took a deep breath and sighed sadly.  

“Last year, these two girls in my class started picking on me.  They point all the ways I’m not pretty enough to ever get a boyfriend, and they leave nasty messages in my locker and on my desk.  They make every day miserable for me...so I’ve been dreading the first day back to school all month long…”

“That...sounds really rough.  I’m sorry…”  Chat Noir smiled sympathetically and patted Aimee’s shoulder.  “I admit I’ve never been bullied at school myself, so I don’t really know what it’s like, but I’ll say this:  if no boys were interested in you because you weren’t pretty enough for them, then they don’t sound worth dating anyway.  A real gentleman will love you because he thinks you’re amazing inside and out, so don’t feel like you have to settle for anything less, okay?”

Aimee’s cheeks glowed, and she smiled tremulously.

“You really think so?” she asked shyly.  “I hope you’re right…”

“One more thing!” Chat Noir added brightly.  “Do you have a smartphone?”

“Uh, yeah…?”  Aimee fidgeted until she had dug out her phone from her pants pocket.  “Why?”

“Take a selfie with me!” he chirped, scooting up next to her.  “The next time those girls give you a hard time, tell them Chat Noir’s got your back, and show ‘em our selfie to prove it!”

“R-really?!  A-Are you serious?!”  Aimee fumbled clumsily with her phone in her excitement.

“Yeah!”  Chat Noir leaned in as Aimee readied her phone.  “Now smile like you just got a kitten for your birthday!”

Aimee laughed giddily, and snapped the picture.

“There we go!”  Chat Noir grinned as Aimee beamed at the picture, then glanced back at him.

“I love it!  Thank you, Chat Noir!”  She hugged her phone tight to her chest.  “I’ll treasure it always!”

“You’re welcome!”  Chat Noir stood up and helped Aimee to her feet.  “Let’s get you back to solid ground, shall we?”     

~

After dropping down into a narrow alleyway to feed Tikki a cookie, Marinette transformed into Ladybug again and headed back to where she had left Chat Noir.  Neither he nor the young girl were there any more, of course, but she knew, wherever Chat Noir was, he would see her up here...or she would see him nearby.  Sure enough, she caught sight of him on top of a building to her left out of the corner of her eye.  She turned and headed straight for him as soon as she caught his eye.

As soon as she reached him, she gestured to him to sit next to her against a chimney so as to be less visible from the street below.  She didn’t want to risk attracting an admiring crowd when she just wanted a nice, quiet talk with her partner.  They rarely had opportunities like this.

“I’m back!” she announced, sitting down.  “So, how is she?  The girl?”

“She’s fine!” Chat Noir replied proudly.  “Apparently she’s been being bullied a lot at school, so she was really dreading going back.  I let her take a selfie with me so she could tell her bullies I’ve got her back!”

“That’s nice of you,” Ladybug said, smiling.  “I just hope people don’t start picking on her next because they’re jealous she got a picture with you.”

“Well, then, you and me will just have to pay her school a visit and tell those girls we’re very disappointed in them!” he responded, crossing his arms and giving a self-satisfied nod.

“We don’t have much time to spare for personally checking up on Hawk Moth’s victims,” Ladybug pointed out, “But you did good, chaton!”  She stroked his head as if she were petting a cat.

“Mmm, thanks!” he purred, letting himself nuzzle his head into her hand just a little bit.

“So, tell me what you were thinking with that seductive scheme of yours,” she said.  “I’ll admit I’m impressed that it worked, but it was awfully risky.  And how did you know it was her flower crown and not her scepter that had the akuma in it?”

“Well, I couldn’t think what the sceptre could’ve been if that was the object,” Chat Noir said, “But I just so happened to recognize what the flower crown was:  See, there’s this anime that really popular right now, about a magical girl with, like, the power to make plants grow really fast and strong, and she has to defeat this evil wizard who’s plunged the world into an eternal winter--”

“Ahem, Chat Noir?  The flower crown?”

“Heh heh, sorry!  Anyway, she wears a flower crown exactly like the one Summer Fae did, and you can buy replicas of it online and at conventions, but of course, the flowers are fake and not as pretty and realistic as real flowers would be.  So, coupled with the theme of Summer Fae’s costume, I figured she was a big fan of the show, and had a replica flower crown that turned into the real thing when she was akumatized!”

Ladybug blinked at him for a moment, impressed with his impromptu detective work, and a little surprised but amused that he know a lot about anime.

“Wow…” she muttered.  “But, what about that whole, ‘Come here and I’ll tell you a secret’ scheme?”

“Ah, that...well…”  He suddenly looked sheepish and scratched the back of his head.  “Remember the ring that appeared when you used your Lucky Charm?”  He pointed at her left ring finger, wear she had worn it.  “It looked exactly like mine, except it was red with black spots, right?  It was like it was part of a pair, along with mine.  So, I told Summer Fae that you had me under a spell and that I was under your control as long as we both were wearing the magically-linked rings.  I told her I couldn’t take mine off unless she...earned my loyalty and affections…?”  He trailed off uncertainly, looking uncomfortable.

Ladybug narrowed her eyes at him.  

‘Loyalty and affections’?  ‘AFFECTIONS’?!  That...makes me feel...off, for some reason...

“Okay, you’re gonna have to explain what you mean by that,” she said, raising an eyebrow and smirking wryly at him.

Chat Noir eyed her warily with the expression of a shamefaced dog that had been caught with his face in the garbage bin.

“Erm...okay, so…keep in mind, I was totally just trying to play the part and lure her in--”

“Now you just sound even shiftier,” she cut in.  “Should I be worried?”

“What?  Worried?  Naw, not at all!  I just…!  Okay, so, what I told her was, ‘A cat’s affections can be won only if he’s pampered the right way,” and that if she, uh, basically won over the cat in me, she could break the spell on my miraculous that prevented me from taking it off or disobeying you...and then I’d basically be ‘her kitty’ and I’d fight on her side.”

Ladybug had no idea how to feel about about this...heartstring-pulling scheme of his.  She supposed it had been a simple matter of trying to trick the supervillain to get the object without even having to start a fight, and she had to admit it was a clever scheme...but to sweet-talk the supervillain...what had she tried to do to earn his “affections”?

“Uh...okay…” she said slowly.  “So...sounds like she fell for it…?”

“Well, yeah…” he answered hesitantly.  “She, uh...scratched behind my ears…?”

Ladybug felt her jaw clench and her brow furrow before she could even label the emotional response behind it.  She took a breath and tried to instantly relax her face, but he had already been watching her for her reaction, and he saw it.

“Hey, bugiboo…” he murmured in a comforting voice.  “You don’t have to feel jealous…”

“Wh-who said I was jealous?” she yelped, trying for force her amused-face back on.  “D-do I look jealous?”

“I meant, if you feel jealous, you don’t have to!  I assure you, I only pretended to enjoy it!  Now, if it had been you, Bugiboo…”  He trailed off suggestively, but he was blushing and grinning bashfully.

And, goddammit, was she blushing, now, too?!

He really needs to stop accidentally being...cute…

Sometime during the last month or so (Just because school was out didn’t mean Hawk Moth had been vacation), Ladybug had started to notice two things:  First, Chat Noir seemed to have matured somewhat, in that he wasn’t showing off as often in his attempts to impress her; and second,  that she had started to catch herself reacting differently than usual to little things he did.  She couldn’t always brush off his jaunty banter and lame puns with smooth comebacks and banter of her own anymore.  Sometimes she found herself stunned momentarily by a blinding grin, or a casual touch, or an off-hand compliment, or a warm smile of raw adoration that, once, she caught him shooting when he thought her back was turned.

It wasn’t as if he hadn’t known before that he could be as sincere as he could be playful; she just never thought she would see so much of it all at once.  It made her think that, maybe, there was a lot more of that warmth under the surface.  These days, she often found herself wanting to look for that warmth...to get to know that side of him even more.

“Hey...Ladybug?”

Ladybug jerked back to the present.

“Ah!  S-sorry!  Kinda spaced out there…” she said, grinning sheepishly.

“Uh, okay…” he said, still looking a little concerned.  “So, anyway...that’s how that all happened!”  He crossed his arms and smiled.  “My favorite part was when you read my mind the way you do and finished the deal.”

Ladybug smiled.  He was totally buttering her up, but it was nice to hear, anyway.

“Well, saving the day is what we do!  We’re a team, we know exactly how to work together flawlessly!  Almost all the time, anyway!”

“That we do, my Lady!” he said warmly.

There he goes again… she thought.  He could have said that with way too much enthusiasm like he usually does...but he had to say it like...that.

“Yeah…” she murmured.

He just kept looking up at her, smiling, and she did her best to keep her own smile smooth, but she had no idea how he could hold her gaze like that without feeling as nervous and strange as she currently was.  Was it normal to look someone in the eyes for seconds on end?

“Oh!  Hey, I just realized--!”  Chat Noir suddenly seemed excited about something.  He pushed himself to spin and face her.  “Since tomorrow is September 1st, and it’s the first day of school, it’ll be the anniversary of the day we first teamed up!  It’ll be exactly one year since we fought Stoneheart!”

“Oh!  Yeah, I guess you’re right,” she said.  “It’s kind of amazing to think that we’ve been fighting Hawk Moth for an entire year, huh?  I wonder how much longer it’ll be before we find him.”

“Yeah, who knows?”  Chat Noir said, cocking his head thoughtfully.  “Actually, I’m surprised he hasn’t run out of ideas for supervillain identities!”

“I know, right?”  Ladybug laughed.  “I guess whatever it is the person is upset about helps give him ideas.”

“Makes sense,” Chat Noir remarked, nodding.

“You know, speaking of school starting tomorrow…”  Ladybug stood up.  “It’s getting late.  Since I assume we’ll both be going to school tomorrow morning, we could use at least eight hours of sleep.”

“Yeah, you’re right…”  Chat Noir stood up beside her.  “Well, I hope your first day back at school goes smoothly for you, my Lady.”  He turned and took out his baton, getting ready to head off to wherever he lived when he wasn’t helping her fight evil.

“You, too,” Ladybug replied.  She waved, and then turned and took out her yo-yo.  A second later, she was soaring over the rooftops on her way home.

I wonder what the odds are that we might go to the same school? she found herself thinking briefly.  I wonder if I’ll ever find out…

Next Chapter >

[toomanyskeletons]

magic in spectraverse - infodump

so iv e been meaning to make a post abt this for a while so why not now, when im not even sure how my words are right and if i can think of the right things to say

in spectraverse - well, kind of, there are several spectraverse timelines and none have particular names so i cant really specify which one, we’ll just call it 2 - there are several different kinda of magic, along with subtypes

There are three different casters a being - typically a human, it is unusual for any nonhuman to call themselves a caster - can be, ‘caster’ being the name for the way someone casts a spell. Its a shit name, i’ll pick a better one some other time. Anyway. So, you can cast spells. Some make their own spells, others use books or loose paper or they remember it or whatever. Think of it like baking. You can stick it all in together, and it will always make something. Whether that thing is edible, that varies. Casting is like that, you can put in four whatever the fucks and three bees and you might get a puff of smoke or you might blow up your house. You might have been trying to dye your hair magically. Anyway.

A witch is a caster who draw the power of their spells from the environment - heat, light, feelings. A caster can do basically any spell depending on whatever the fuck they are but often, they are spells that give back. So. If you draw power from say, the sun’s heat, it might be a spell to replenish some part of the environment. I really havent thought this through but i just want to talk soo Witches can cast any spell, but drawing power from the environment can be time consuming and troublesome, so their spells tend to be weaker and- i dont know how to say this properly. I have this nice image all ready but i dont know what its words are. I’d say witches spells tend to be longer lasting? Yeah. Like. You cant draw energy from the environment quickly, but a long term spell being very constantly, slowly replenshed is the sort of things witches excel at. Like, making a plant grow faster, or a love spell, or a happiness spell, or maybe something to increase income - i dont know. Witches arent particularly important at the moment in my story so i havent given them much thought.

At this stage i should probably point out that these are all considered gender neutral. U dont have to be a lady to be a witch, and u dont have to be a dude to be a wizard, and you dont have to be nonbinary to be a mage.

So next up is wizards, who use their own energy. This is the thing that is good for fast acting spells, or things that work in bursts. Setting fires, i cant think of anything else, teleportation, yeah i really have not thought much about this either. Wizards replenish their energy just as any human generally does, sleeping, eating, spending an absurdly long amount of time gambling away your money in Pokemon - okay maybe thats just me but you get the idea.

Wizards are more useful in battle than witches, though armor, cloaks, staffs, etc. Can all have a boost in power by a witch.

Mages are people either born with the natural ability for elemental manipulation, OR people who perform a combination of both witchery and wizardry. Maybe just the latter. I’ll have to think of a name for the former.

There are eight major elements, and beyond those are several subtypes/skills that can only be learnt with particular elements. I havent thought of many of these but i’ll work them out.

So- Water Air Earth Fire Lightning Steel/Metal (i wanted to call it metal but my pokemon loving ass kept calling it steel) Light Dark/ness

Everyone has an element 'assigned’ to them in their genetics, but most people dont have the natural ability to manipulate it. Instead, they may have a few personality traits associated with the element, they might excel in a field of study related to that element, they could just really like that element OR nothing in particular. Like. It affects them in no way whatsoever, which is probably the most common. Also people can kinda teach themselves manipulation but it is Hard.

When you’re a 'natural’ (pretty sure i stole that term from somewhere else but w/e) you will have had the ability to control the element from birth. Natural elemental manipulators tend to have good visualisation skills and decent motor skills, though sometimes they have neither of these things and it ends really fucking badly, because if you cant picture something right you cant control it, and if you cant point your hand where u need to point it, thats bad. Elemental manipulation is largely controlled with visualisation, picturing what you want to do in your mind, but it also has to do with how good you are at controlling your energy. Most people wont be able to say, evaporate all the water from a pool in an instant, actually thats a terrible example for reasons i have not yet explained, give me a moment- Most people wont be able to cause an earthquake the moment they start using magic consciously, and that is because they havent learnt how to control their energy. Some people MIGHT be able to do it, but its more of an “accidental spontaneous energy release’ thing than a 'five year old good at controlli their energy’ thing.

So then you have subtypes. I havent thought of many of these yet, actually im P sure i only have one but lets talk about it anyway.

Temperature manipulation is a subskill of the metal and water elements, largely linked to the control of emotions. Actually, any of the elements that have the states of matter which i am forgetting, will be able to learn this subtype. It means, you guessed it, you cn control temperature. So a water user would then get a sort of sub element of ice, and they can also boil water. Metal users would be able to melt and solidify the metal. It takes time to learn, and oh shit mind blank. Uh.oh right. Speed. So like you might be able to boil water with the ability but u wont be able to do it really fast unless youve practised a lot. Poor emotional regulation + temperature manipulatio can mean Bad because it would lead to the accidental alteration of environemtnt. That was too fancy. Basically u might get road rage and then ur whole fucken car would melt.

Uh also healing? Pretty self explanatory, i havent though abt it much yet, much like everything else in this post.

Humans can also learn magic through objects. Some help to channel energy, some boost it, you can get orbs to give you an extra element, etc.

So then NONHUMANS are so much luckier because magic is like. Their first language. Most nonhumans, or even half humans with ANY nonhuman in them, will find it MUCH easier to learn a second element. Nonhumans have a body built for magic, so like their body can channel energy into multiple elements simulaneously, which is a thing humans find difficult, as they are not particularly made for magic. They still do it though. Nonhumans tend to be manipulators rather than casters, and like i said before, if they are they dont typically use the term caster.

Also, here are some things i forgot to mention/magic which i couldnt work out where to fit in:

- TELEKINESIS: good ole telekinesis. magical story woukdnt be complete without it. Pretty easy for most magical (nonhuman) beings to learn, at a basic level (closing doors, picking up the tv remote bc youre too lazy). You can go further into it and learn how to fuckin slam a dude against a wall like in supernatural. Harder for humans to learn (look i know humans get all this shit but theyre the majority).

-SUMMONING: SUMMON SATAN OR SOME SHIT. first of all, if you summon satan, you will get one of five people who will all tell you that satan is the incorrect term.also, summoning satan isnt particularly powerful summoning magic, it doesnt rely on the user’ s power much, but you gotta give a little blood. Anyway. Summoning is usually assisted by tokens of some sort that depict what you are summonging. Sometimes. To be a summoner u have to make friendship with thingd that CAN be summoned, like angels demons nine tailed fox etc. if it cant talk and make friends then u can generally find their tokens in shops, particualrly when there are a lot of the species existing and they dont exist lhysically outside of the void or something. But sentient beings like demons u goota find, befirend, and then they giv e you their token like some sorta business card. They also can turn down a summon, because they are sentient and if youre sentient it is possible you may be busy.

-TIME POWERS: HAVENT thogubt about this at all but worth a mention. Involves freezing time, travelling time and I FORGOT ABOUT DIMENSIONAL TRAVEL

-dimensional travel: you can travel dimensions, kinda. Ther e is one character who can do this currrently, she uses an unnamed object to help her draw her own power and she can juml timelines and travel different world s without the use of gates, which are often used otherwise.

Anyway thats all i can think of but i am definitely forgetting something

Questions? Comments? Have i made a spelling error? (If thats the case suck it ul u pansy) (there are five hundrrdd spelings here fcukc you) suggestions for another infodump? Want me to stop infodumping? Want to send me hate? I have an ask box and an anonymous button, they are there so you can use them