#“i love you but im trying to pretend like i dont because i dont want people to catch onto it so im just gonna be c h i l l about it”
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When you mentioned fused stancest I literally could not stop thinking about how they would act if they couldn’t infuse for a while everyone’s reaction to how they function as one person. I would love to hear more of you take on it.
I have so many!! This ended up longer then i expected (Sorry if this isnt what you meant)
So I actually wanted to write something like this concept but the angst is like a parasite and it takes over everything
I think if they got stuck as a Fordley (thats what im calling the fusion) the reactions would go like this:
Mabel is squealing and thinks its so cool and definitely asks to ride on their shoulders. Shes having the time of her life (and even asks if she can try the fusion machine too.) Two grunkles for the price of one and all that but now they are one cooler taller Grunkle.
Dipper hates it. He constantly gets jumpscared. He'll go down to get water and Fordley is creeping around in the middle of the night to get snacks before slinking back down to the lab and dippers like cluching his chest and shaking and sweaty and he really just wants them unfuse already.
Stan would be upset cause why would ford even build something like this. And then he fucked up and now theyre stuck this way. But also he's secretly pleased with the fact that the intensity of his feelings for stan drove Ford to literally create a way for them to be one.
Ford is only too pleased because this is what he wanted. Now he's only thinking that they get to do all the things they love together just like they always said they would do as kids. They'll watch stans shows and do science stuff and he's pleasently surprised with how their minds blend together so well. Even if stan pretends he doesnt enjoy the explorations they go on Ford can feel that he does.
They still work on a way to fix the machine so they can get unfused but only cause stans still a bit pissed at not having a choice in the matter but Ford fully intends to convince him that being one is how they are supposed to be.
Wendy would be like wtf then rapidly compartmentalize and just nod and be like "this is my life now."
Soos looses his mind and fanboys so hard and writes all types of fusion fics and has tea with them to ask how it feels to make his fics as canon as possible. He will also au the hell outta Fordley.
They definitely become an urban legend cause some townie or tourists saw them slinking around in the woods "Seven foot tall, four eyed creature spotted in the woods of gravity falls. Hairless cousin of bigfoot??" And all of the photos are super blurry and you got some people saying it has four arms and debating if it eats humans or only family sized bags of toffee peanuts?
As for specifically with the angsty one i wrote
Ford refuses to let them find a way to fix it cause he doesnt see them being stuck as a problem
Stan is (rightfully) upset and refuses to engage with Ford. Ford eventally coaxes stan to hear him out and they slowly work through their issues cause really what else can they do when their literally stuck together. And then maybe stan realizes that being them isnt so bad and he begrudgingly respects fords audacity (and insanity) to make what he wanted a reality.
And when they do (mostly stan) finally accept the situation, they allow themself to truly start to think of themself as one and i think even the deformites of their unstable fusion would start to shift into a more stable form.
Mabel is lowkey scared of them because of what happened in the lab but she slowly warms up to Fordley. But its only after her grunkles stop fighting. (dont ask how you can fight when you share one body because they do it and they do it easily and she can tell)
Dipper is confused cause no one actually sat him down to fully explain what happened and he's working on context clues only. He's too scared to ask Fordley and anytime he asks mabel she just goes wide eyed and pale. And then one day everything is cool. Like Fordley is still there but he's happier and engaging with the nibs and mabel isnt scared of them anymore and dippers even more confused because nobody has clued him in????
Maybe i should just turn these into fics atp?
#stancest#stancest fusion#pines4the(t)win#ask me more about Fordley cause thats all I'll be thinking about for a good minute
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im sorry i just KNOW minsung are in a secret relo cuz i know what hiding obvious affection for your crush looks like
lookin at you han jisung
#been there done that#for like a solid 6 months#until i never saw him again#every move he makes in front of minho SCREAMS#“i love you but im trying to pretend like i dont because i dont want people to catch onto it so im just gonna be c h i l l about it”#*thinks to himself* yeah jisung#*thinks* just be c h i l l#be c h i l l#c h i l l#when c h i l l is actually staring off into the distance but your body gravitating towards them and looking at them when you smile/laugh#or when you think nobodys watching#I SEE YOU HAN JISUNG#I SEE YOU AND I LOVE YOU#han jisung#lee minho#minsung#stay#lovestay#skz#stray kids#bang chan#changbin#hyunjin#lee felix#seungmin#yang jeongin#lee know#eight is fate
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Oghhhh Angel and Timothy's miserable awkward and just horrible dynamic (Thinking about it (I want Angel to rip into him I need her to be mad at him idc she deserves to bully him))
#I am tryying really hard to just scribble down thoughts and ideas and sketches#I need to honestly just start writing dialogue like fully.#I don't write often because I get self-conscious#But I need to share this#This is less silent hill and more exploring their dynamic but I want to get to the silent hill part sometime.#I really want Angel to go ape shitt (she is tired of being nice)#can i say something#im sick of the way timothy is babied by a certain sort of person u know the type#He needs to be bullied hes kind of a massive loser#Also i feel like people pretend that he hasn't done anything morally dubious at best ever uhm#did you pay attention in the pre sequel i dont care if he's sorry about that im so fucking mad about felicity#I love him I love him greatly he's one of my favorite guys but I don't always like the way he's treated by fanssss#thats a grown ass man with a dick and balls#Urrgh
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“you insolent little bitch.”
-ansem, seeker of darkness (he definitely said this)
#beep boop you want fries with that#kingdom hearts#ansem#sora#i love how ansem becomes HUGE during his world of chaos phase#after finishing this i realized that this looks like its about to become the jerma clip#where he pretends to find a bird and then eat it#or the clip of scar holding up a mouse to his face#i know sora isnt THAT small in comparison to ansem in this phase but how much more funny would it be if ansem got this big.#i just wanted the silly visual of ansem picking up sora like Listen here you dumb little shit. (ansem’s calling him dumb not me#because he literally does this the whole game its super cute and funny)#idk why i feel the need to clarify. i guess im trying to say that im not ensnared by the fandom notion that sora is dumb or whatever#he isnt. dont let the fandom or dream drops (and maybe beyond but i havent checked) awful writing convince you that he is#seriously what the fuck is up with modern kh and being mean to sora. i guess the writers are into mean spirited humor nowadays.#SORRY THIS WASNT SUPPOSED TO BE A RANT#anyway. like always i cant draw hands and my anatomy is dogshit.#what else do you want me to say? [my lawyer has advised me to omit this part]
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I really hate how my physical body looks so so so much. unfortunately there isn't much I can do about it.
#ive got fat genetics from both parents families going back generations and ive been trying to lose weight forever#my stupod body likes being fat i can excercise like crazy and eat barely anything and i wont lose anything#i was excercising 2+ hours a day before i got sick and it made me stronger but i.stayed fat. now that im sick im weak and still fat.#and im not the kind of fat anybody can find pretty. if i could somehow not be fat id be decent to look at my face isnt bad#my skin is bad though my skin sucks#in my eyes im disgusting#and its so messed up because i dont think other fat people are gross#but i hate how i look so much that i cant imagine anyone being okay with it#like no matter how kind and understanding and sweet i am to people its never gonna make up for the fact that my body is grossly ugly#and i cant blame anyone for not liking me i get it.#sorry#this is a problem i have#bacause i just usually pretend my body doesnt exist and i wear pretty loose fitting dresses that cover me completely so but#even though i am what i am#sometimes you happen to meet a nice person and they are polite and dont seem disgusted by your existance so then your traitorous brain t#thinks hey maybe this person would be willing to marry us someday if they got to know us. which is so silly becuz theres no way thatd ever#so it makes me sad when i should be happy that a nice person talked to me. yay good job successful friendlyness. but it has to remind me#that i had this expectation from when i was a kid that id marry somone and have at least 3 kids and love my kids and take care of them and#give them everything i needed when i was a kid. and of course that never happened. because i never dated anyone. because people dont just#magically get married out of nowhere. its stupid. so i keep trying to be okay with whatever. but i guess i never stopped wanting a family.#which we know im aroace now so. i need to stop. but my brain is always bothering me about this.#why can't i just accept that no one will ever love me. why cant i be happy that they dont?#ive got cats#someday i will have irl friends again#sorry i think everything would be so much easier if i was just#this isnt a problem with an easy solutiom#i guess im gonna try to do the useless excercises again because at least it will look like im trying even though nothing will change
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you also have to consider that i don't think Zelda had a lot of high thoughts about herself because of everything her father told to her, it's pretty clear she thinks of herself a failure not fit to save anyone or even be a royal in botw especially the closer to the calamity we got in the memories. if they just had her and link go around hyrule helping people (which is what I assume they did) in the timeskip they should attribute people liking her so much to her being helpful and literally fending the calamity off for 100 years instead of being royalty, which they could have done easily because it's pretty obvious she did go around hyrule to help (the school is a pretty good example)! it would make zeldadorf going around being malicious way cooler as link has to clear her name around Hyrule
Yeah, Zelda's helpful and all the level of obsession the NPC's in the world have with Zelda doesn't at all match up with all the (fairly basic) nice things she's done, and ESPECIALLY doesn't work with how everyone is totally cool with Fake Zelda raising hell. Ensuring that one village has an elementary school should not generate enough goodwill to let people forgive brainwashing and attempted murder. Not to mention the long list of Good Deeds she apparently has time for is just... bizarre, and a sign that she's actually a pretty crappy leader considering she has zero time management skills. Like lady, you're rebuilding a fucking kingdom after a century long apocalypse, I really don't think you should be spending your time teaching people how to cook random recipes and helping to plant flower gardens. And the random carved little monuments for everyone who died in the Calamity also strike me as just... no. You can commission the fancy monuments later, everyone fucking knows it happened right now. Hell, why don't any of the villages have memorials for the Calamity victims, they're the ones that actually had to deal with the immediate aftermath. Having Zelda place generic memorials everywhere just makes me wonder why the hell there aren't any old memorials made by survivors in the immediate aftermath, in the places where people actually live and can visit them.
Also while I know all of the memorials having a respawning silent princess flower on them is just the game continuing to be wildly unsubtle about "look this flower represents zelda DO YOU GET IT GUYS", from an in-universe perspective it's absolutely hilarious. Those flowers are extremely endangered, and not even the best pre-calamity conservation efforts were enough to help. They're STILL very fucking endangered, and were believed to be extinct! They canonically cannot cultivate this plant, it's very rare and only grows in the wild... which is why they're picking these extremely rare flowers to use as decoration on a memorial. And now you can't find them growing in any of the spots they used to florish in, except the Lost Woods. They're not even tied to the fairy fountains, because there's none of them growing around the new fountain locations. I like to think that Zelda decided to make all the stupid memorials and have a silent princess flower left on each one, and so her loyal followers have been replacing all the cut flowers every time they wither, and as result the silent princess flower is on the verge of extinction again. I know it's not what the game was trying to say, but it's the logical conclusion to make - people have been picking this very endangered plant all over the country, and now you can't find it anymore. And also it's a really funny mental image that Zelda was so concerned about their conservation back in BOTW that she spent a whole memory talking about it, but now she's having them picked en-masse to make sure her vanity project has the correct aesthetic. I hate Zelda in TOTK for many reasons, but her new habit of intentionally killing an endangered plant is easily the funniest problem the writing accidentally gave her.
Anyways as for her mental state before the Calamity, I do see that as being very complicated. She's got a lot of Issues, mainly stemming from her family, religion, stress and powers. No need to go over all that though, as I think everyone has long since analyzed that to hell and back. BUT at the same time, while her personal life is fucking miserable, we can't ignore that she's still literally the crown princess of an extremely powerful nation, and has spent her entire life being told that she is fundamentally a better person than everyone else. She was being emotionally abused by her father, but that does not change the fact that she's incredibly privileged, and doesn't seem particularly aware of that fact. I mean fuck, the BOTW memories show Zelda had a habit of actively trying to lose her bodyguard and run off alone into the wilderness on a whim. And when said bodyguard caught up with her (with zero judgement or displeasure), her only reaction was to emotionally abuse him. She genuinely did not seem to understand or care that it's a universally bad idea to let an unarmed teenager run off alone into the monster infested wilderness, with nobody knowing where she's going or when she'll be back. And that's without taking into account people actively trying to kill her.
All of that behaviour right there is just a combination of teenage dumbassery and Zelda being extremely privileged. She lives in a world without any serious consequences, why would she need to learn self preservation? And her abusing Link was a hell of a lot more serious than the fandom likes to see it as. Being a knight is literally his lifes work, he's been training since he was a small child, he has no idea how to support himself in any other way. And he answers directly to the reigning monarch, which is currently King Rhoam... but in the very near future would be Zelda. If he doesn't follow Rhoam's orders to be Zelda's bodyguard, he's fired and his life is ruined. If he does follow his orders, he's angering Zelda, and then in the future she'll probably retaliate by firing him, and his life will be ruined. I absolutely hate that most of the fandom has decided Link was reacting to the verbal abuse with just "wow she's so smart and pretty, what a girlboss", because that's completely insane (and in the context of shipping, wildly unhealthy for Link). I see Link silently tolerating Zelda's harassment as just him desperately trying to minimize how much she hates him, because she can absolutely destroy his life on a whim, and her actions all suggested she will absolutely do so. Princess Zelda does not want Link to ever exist in her presence; why the fuck would she want to keep him employed after she becomes Queen?
...To be clear, I think all of this is a good thing. I mean, Zelda being a privileged little shit and coping with stress by abusing her personal servant are very negative traits for her as a person, but as a character I really like it! These are very serious flaws, but they're understandable - she's not a total bitch because she's pure evil, she acts like a bitch because she's a stressed teenager lashing out at the easiest target, and she genuinely does not realize how harmful her actions are. I liked that the game wasn't afraid to show us an uglier side of Zelda, and trusted the audience to understand that she was more than just her worst impulses. I think the closest we've ever gotten to that was Skyward Sword Zelda admitting that she pretended to be in grave danger to manipulate Link into doing her dirty work, and he should not be okay with that... but that wasn't quite as nuanced, because that was more Zelda literally being a god in mortal form, and doing something morally sketchy for the Greater Good. BOTW Zelda is just a person that hurt someone because it was an easy way to make herself feel better. It gives her a depth that very few Zelda's have been allowed to have.
And it really bothers me that apparently all of that is just gone in TOTK. Zelda, who is inexplicably still a princess for some reason, is the unquestioned almighty ruler of Hyrule. The Zora King and Gerudo Chief both swear eternal subversience to her in the ending, and Zelda happily accepts their submission as just what she is rightfully owed. When she's in the past she feels completely entitled to declare that Link will finish the battle for them, even though the last time she saw him he'd lost his entire fucking arm and was falling to his death, and also the entire situation is very political, and she has no idea which side Link would interpret as being correct. For fucks sake, she stole his goddamn house, made extensive renovations, added a large second room for herself, and still did not allow him to have any space in there. They're not sharing that bed, shippers. Link just does not live there anymore. That's why one of the TOTK sidequests is... Link getting a house again, on the other side of the country from where Zelda is living. The game repeatedly tells me that Zelda is actually the single bestest person who ever lived, but she never shows any real consideration for the wellbeing of someone who isn't Rauru, Sonia or Mineru... apart from the opening where she expresses concern that Link was seriously wounded by slapping three keese with his sword and killing them instantly. Which is more condescending than anything else.
And as I think I've mentioned before, all the apparently great and noble deeds Zelda performs are done with the overall goal of ensuring the Kingdom of Hyrule continues to exist under the control of the royal family. She's the current reigning monarch, so literally all of this is for her own benefit. There's nothing wrong with doing good things that also benefit you, of course, but once again the game constantly insisting that Zelda is a perfect selfless martyr... doesn't really track with the fact that she's the only one with a real motive to want Hyrule to remain under her rule. Everyone else has been getting by just fine without her for the last century, and Zelda going missing at the start of a crisis doesn't really cause any issues with leadership; things keep running smoothly, the only issues that ever show up is from Zelda not being there to do specific tasks she said she would do, like help plant a flower garden. Idk, it just leaves a really bad taste in my mouth; there's absolutely no reason for Hyrule to be a monarchy post-calamity, and the fact that everyone is so fanatically loyal to Zelda makes me feel like she's actively working to keep herself on the throne because she wants the power. If her first priority was being a good leader, people wouldn't be scared to question her.
But I'm with you on the Puppet Zelda plotline being wasted, it's like the whole thing was just there bcause the devs realized the main story quest (regional phenomenon) had nothing to do with the supposed main quest (find zelda), and just threw in a fake zelda to chase so the players would feel like they were making progress on that, but couldn't be bothered to make the fake zelda subplot have any consequences. That or they were just cowards with no faith in the audience, and figured if the fake Zelda's actions made NPC's express fear and hatred for the real one, the player would also be convinced that the real Zelda was bad. Which is ironic, considering the NPC's refusing to express any negative thoughts about the fake Zelda is a massive red flag about what the real one is like, and has convinced a lot of the audience not to like her.
#tears of the kingdom#tears of the kingdom spoilers#also for the record i was kinda meh on zeldas memory arc in BOTW#just because i felt they glossed over the whole 'zelda hating link' bit waaay too quickly#and i didnt like that link's entire personality was apparently just him going :| while other people talked#just say the memories are about meeting zelda. dont pretend you're giving link any development here#but compared to TOTK i now love BOTW zelda. she's complicated and interesting and i want to see more of her#totk zelda is about as interesting as the rock she eats#also anon im pretty sure this is just one part in a series of asks you sent#and i have read them all and will try to answer other parts if/when i can#as previously mentioned theres a month old puppy eating a lot of my time
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i so sad
#thoughts#i think im having like a panic attack or something#like#something attack#i dont want to talk to anyone anymore i keep messing things up#i called a mentally ill person disgusting because i didnt see their other anon confessions in the server about their mental illnesd#they menyioned how they shower once a month#and i saw that i didnt see the other messages#i asked them how they didnt get uncomfortable “being that disgusting”#i meant it like. The feeling of#Not having taken a shower in a month. I didnt want to imply they were inherently disgudsting for their mental illness and everyone was like#wow rayman what the fuck is wrong with you why would you say that about someone. and they vented about me in the vent channel#it was a horrible thing for me to say and like yesterday i also fucked up i said mean shit to someone. I dont know whats wrong with me why i#cant stop doing bad things. i need to kill myself or something i need to lock myself away so other people dont get hurt by me#i was clawing at my head crying hitting myself with my knuckles because i just fucking loathed myself i pretend im so happy and like yeah im#happy but like really i fucking hate myself so so much more than anything in the world the only reason im not dead is because i love this#world enough to stay on it. i hate myself so much. i get so so sad when i look in the mirror because im not who i am im no one im always#trying to be a person or something when im nothing im so worthless coping off the “smart” compliments i got in 2nd grade when in reality im#just some stupid fucking rancid asshole with rage anxiety lonlieness stewing in my soul for 5 years i cant be normal around anyone im not#supposed to be friends with anyone i shouldnt have a partner he needs to kill me i need him to beat me over the head with a shovel and keep#beating me and stabbbing me with it until im alll brutally mauled unrecognizable and he should call me worthless the whole time and i#deserve it
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Random limlife Scott rant, GO!
I got this ask and decided that I’d give it my best shot but got so mad on my skim through some of the moments I remembered that I gave up.
#Okay im half joking#I got angry enough for me to decide that writing a post without careful consideration would probably lead to an inaccurate little ramble#I need to like. actually sit down and watch limlife and do a full overall analysis#because the context for how scott acts each season is so important. a skim just wont do#The reason I dont have notes on him to share with the class already is because when it was coming out I was pretending that—#Scott grew as a person after 3l and I wanted to believe that so badly I started making stuff up about memory erasure and limlife being—#dubiously real so that I could look the other way when scott started being weird about jimmy again#I was like yeah they barely remember it thats why scotts being uncomfortably weird about jimmy this season#not because scott doesnt think about jimmy like a person and just wants to hear him say words that make him feel better about his—#rough relationship history#not because the idea of jimmy gaining independence from him makes him feel insecure or anything#sighs. sorry im just saying things. again its been a while since ive watched it so I need to actually. Yknow. Watch it before making posts#Its just crazy how he treats it like proving a point more than actually caring#“I mightve given you the 30 minutes last week if youd said love you” he wouldnt have. he was already leaving when he said it#he’s literally just trying to get him to feel bad about not saying it#pretty sure he kills jimmy in the same episode he lets jimmy kill him. Like. He doesnt really care like that#He just likes to pretend that he does. He is going through the motions of caring#Its like he needs to believe jimmy still needs him. in like a possessive way. Its really weird man#I will say though since I see this a lot: I dont think him singling out tango in the 30 seconds scene was intentional#because if im being honest. I dont think he sees the ranchers as anything serious#He assumes tango was just putting up with jimmy bc he had to. He doesnt think tango actually cares about jimmy#in his mind no one actually cares about jimmy. because if scott struggled to care about jimmy and Scott is known for being an amazing ally#that must mean everyone else struggles to care about jimmy. If that makes sense#rant over I think. tldr limlife scott analysis postponed until I get my life together enough to be able to sit down and watch forthree hour#bree barks so fucking loud#asks
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I want someone to love me quietly and loudly at the same time because Im an idiot
#mine#words#human#love#someone unashamed of loving me#someone free to love me and choose me#someone who loves me with every blink#a love radiating from them surrounding me like a blanket making sure i feel it because im an idiot#because im an idiot#clown#feelings#thoughts#love comes in many forms and i dont want this to be romantic only#my friends are loving me openly and casually w lil care packages and notes for me with videos they send me with “ill sit w you”s &“i listen#with “your feelings are valid” “youre being hard to yourself so im being even softer” with “hey do you wanna play sth”#with “wanna body double” and “i rmb you like this” “have you eaten yet” “can i give you a hug”#with “my treat this time” and “can i come visit you” with “missing you” and “we share this part of life”#with “hey this reminded me of you” and “i dont need this but i thought you could” with “what have you been up to” and#with “do you wanna go there together” and “im getting [food/drink] you want some as well?”#with “i can pretend to be your waifu and help with chores” and “lets cook together” with “lets go on a walk together”#with “tell me when youre home” with “take care” and “enjoy!” with “hows your day been” “howd you sleep”#with “tell me about your dream last night” “show me your outfit” with “how are you” and “i can explain it to you again” with “i'll wait”#with “nice to hear from you again” and “i try to understand” with “im glad a late answer is better than none from you”#with “you cannot see your own effort but i can” with “how can i help you” and “just wanted to see/hear you” with “hey take this food w you”#with “i dont mind doing that for you” with ┌|∵|┐┌|∵|┐when seeing each other on the streets#every lil whimsical every experience thought and feeling shared#im immensely loved and i hope those people know and feel how i see appreciate and love them back#i am loved already#my friends make sure that i do not accept any less love expression and im endlessly grateful for them#“i will try for you” “i'll try remind you” “i can wake you up” this all will get its own post one day
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Love fanart where kiryu is not smiling but clearly extremely happy
#Yakuza loveblog#need to be in dead souls so i can dress up like a zombie and have a reason to chase him around snd try to bite him#and when he blows my lungs out my back i just fall over and be like owwww and hes like ... tadashi kun ... did you pretend to be a zombie so#you can chase me around and try to bite me? and id be like mhm :((#‘ash did you just make a sona?’ yea ....#i put my name through google translate and thats what came out ... hō tadashi ...#couldnt add the last word of my name though because then it just turns back to chinese which i think is pretty funny#its kind of fucked up that the peng is a giant bird that transforms from a fish. like thats ... me im bird coded#and there are some depictions of it being a fish with gigantic wings which is badass as fuck#LIKE THATS SO METAL actually i love that ... its like ichibans drgaonfish but its a birdfish very awesome#(thinking) (smiling absently)#i think i could leap at kiryu and cling on him and he wouldnt even stumble#giving his neck a wet slobbery kiss and then fastens my teeth around it and bites so hard#i dont care if i get beaten or kicked you have to understand i just want your blood im like a giant frog
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something that makes me feel guilty is the fact that seeing that persons face rn literally makes me angry. they walked into class and i nearly winced. and in all fairness they were quite kind to me. outside of the several kind of odd red flags. girl whatever. to be quite frank i am a horny bastard and vocal proud etc but few people interest me enough to actually want to hang out with and get to know And i have deep seated intimacy issues so it's like. we really dont have a shot unless the circumstances r exactly right on a full moon perfect thursday of a month etc like. well and tbh i probably would have fucked around with this person but i dont... care... about some big relationship w them.. and i know i could be a relationship girl like eventually i have it in me to have a muse that's what im built for i think idc but not rn... rn i need to hang out with my friends and do my film stuff and have people that maybe wanna make out sometimes is that so much to ask for. for a lesbian at a bar to want to make out perhaps. ** for there to be lesbians at the bars to potentially make out with.
#and i am quite lonely yes thank u for asking. yeah someday id love to get to know someone again in the context of falling in love#what about it. so what now. i dont think im meant for our understanding of romantic love but boy do i crave it#why am i having this moment rn. well ok consider im on my period all i could think about this morning was [redacted] and both parties#of my dyke drama were back in class today. and the one gay person that i think has a crush on me but we dont see each other super often#so im just. guessing based on the way awkward lesbians communicate. idk#and i feel really just mean but i quite literally dont have it in me to pretend to be nice to this person anymore#i wasnt like. some villain for realizing we were acting really coupley and being like oh shit because i didnt want to hurt them#. and trying to communicate and put some distance between us when i thought they were probably in too deep. it's unfortch it took me a sec#but jesus christ yk i cant walk around and feel awkward about it forever. and im frustrated by the fact that we're just acting so odd#but again frankly i think it's largely bc they have an unhealthy relationship with dating. THROWING HORIZONTAL PUNCHES HERE.#OK. STONES FROM A GLASS HOUSE. IM AWARE. REAL RECOGNIZES REAL.#and YET. despite my past insanity. ive been kind. i can understand disappointment and a little awkwardness#but jesus would you rather i pretend to be in love with you for months and then really break your heart.#this is where i get mean and make a joke like well hey if we couldve had weird really mediocre sad angry dyke sex abt it#that would have been cool with me. but alas. we're here instead and it's fucking with my friendships too#and like we were kind of ok friends too. what now. its just u me and this brick wall u built between us bitch#now was EYE not answering texts for a minute. we dont need to get into it.#because the thing IS if i dont play things exactly right. and im not good at that without prior planning. i will accidentally say or do#something that i know. again. from being insane myself. would be just enough for them to hold onto hope#and im not trying to do that to them you know. i was trying to help with the detachment. shitty as it may be. i dont fucking know dude#this post is going to make me look kind of. well. whatever u guys have seen me at my worst. mostly. and post#ok one last thing sorry if this makes me sound like i have a giant ego. like wow heres this person who really liked me and im just shitting#all over them. not what im meaning to do but whatever
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rl chatterin in tags, dont worry about it just feel like talking about recent stuff. for those who dont care look at this birdthang i won on xiv then. my silly big bird..
#i dont owe explanation to anyone yeah i kno but i was going through something kinda rough the last little while and wanted to disappear#idk if it was at all noticeable but i feel like acknowledging it is healthier than feeling embarassed pretending i was Totally Fine.#alas im back and im... still just gona post on as normal. i can enjoy my Own Circle Of Enjoyment because im allowed to enjoy parts of life#even if i felt like utter death it doesnt mean i have to drag myself back to it once im finally crawling out.#it doesn't mean it didn't happen. doesn't mean it didn't hurt. but i dont have to reopen the wounds to prove something yknow.#i want to be alright and I will take these. when i feel i want to be happy i should not deny the pleasure of messaging friends#or little joys of any kind no matter how 'insignificant it is' next to my real stresses. you have to have something you smile about#and when you're ready to again why try and put it off? anyways. no idea if this makes sense. im tired but good i think.#i have to give myself little hype up shounen talks about joys and loves and life sometimes. its just gonna happen.#armour clanking#however i AM allowed to feel a little shy talking and being honest again so this is scheduled . hello. gootbye. ya boy hanging on 👍#possibly employed boy at last even. probably contributed to getting better was that hope. ok no more sharing for real GOODNIGHT (MORNING)
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i am having a great time here on life dot com
#/s#i only ate a scrambled egg today; i couldnt finish it and i feel sick#something else happened today that just showed how this girl is even more manipulative. how did you turned out like this.#or maybe you were ALWAYS like this and youre just showing your true nature now? how i didnt realized this before? we were friends for years#and honestly at this point i would say whatever ruin your life; nobody is going to stay that long around you like we did.#but you have A WHOLE ASS CHILD. A 4 NEARLY 5 MONTHS OLD BABY THAT DEPENDS TOTALLY ON YOU!!!!#STOP BEING SO SELFISH!!!! AT LEAST THINK ABOUT THE SON YOU CLAIM TO LOVE!!!!#maybe im exaggerating but i feel betrayed by someone i saw as a sister + i saw her son as a nephew.#i already lost a 11 years friendship last year why is this happening to me again. and is ending in a horrible way#sorry that the rest of the group dared to still do friend stuff even after you became a mom and thus became unable to do certain things now#i *get* it; you feel envious. but we cant stop our lives just because YOURS changed. we told you multiple times we love you and your son#we love when you bring him with you because we love him; and two of us dont even like kids that much. we were excited the whole pregnancy#we supported you because we can imagine how difficult being a young; single mom is. we did that because youre important#but we committed the horrible sin of doing things without you; because you yourself said you couldnt and/or dont want to go#we committed the horrible sin of still being friends with each other and eventually bring in another friend#whom we tried for you to get along; but it didnt happened and were in the wrong for still hanging out with him.#we tried to talk about you feeling excluded from the group; but you only told us 'i dont know'; because if you directly said#'i dont like that you three have a social life together without me even when im literally unable to follow your steps now because im a mom'#you would sound extremely selfish. and you know what? you are. i get missing the stuff youre not able to do now being a mom; its normal#but its not a fucking excuse to try to destroy the rest of the group. i love how youre pretending to be the victim in this case#by saying 'oh [x] said she felt uncomfortable with me she doesnt want to be friends with us anymore :((' when its not what happened#she said the problem is YOU; not the rest of us. she told you the problems she has with you; we saw the fucking convo#and youre twisting her words to make her look like the attacker. plus trying to make us think she also wants to stop being friends with us?#literally not whats happening. you think were just going to take your word anyway and not ask her about it?#even when breaking a friendship out of nowhere is pretty important? were just going to go 'oh [x] is a bitch' without asking anything.#also we know now she has been your punching bag for so long. we saw convos and your recent attitude towards her confirm it.#anyway youre a fucking selfish manipulator who cares about things going her way only. and were seeing it now#well; i guess at least it means were aware of your true nature; even if we feel betrayed for how long you pretended towards us#things are going downwards and is literally your fault#negative
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I do kinda think peoples reaction to thinking i prevented my ex from Being Whatever They Want and then trying to exclude me entirely from the things i identify with- like... How is that okay in any capacity? If you did this in regard to my trans identity, would it still be okay? Why is it okay with the rest of the ways i identify too? I never stopped them from being anything anyways, i just didnt want to date someone who was mirroring me so fucking much, goddamn, i was okay with being their friend still, why is that so hard to understand. Sorry i dont wanna fuck someone whos pretending to be my clone, almost in an effort to mock me..?
#some of yall are genuinely bad people. like you do need to digest that fact.#all of this based on a rumor. and again i state like ive stated a million times. what will you do when you find out theyre the abuser?#are you gonna try to apolgozie to me for trying to run me off the internet ostracize and bully me?#or are you gonna come up with a million justifications for why your behavior was fine even though you didnt know?#like maybe. just maybe. in situations where you dont know the truth of the situation. maybe. just dont act on the impulse to hurt#someone because you really really want to believe the other person you like more is telling the truth. idk. just an idea.#because i dont think yall are capable of the self introspection right now to realize how fucking abusive your behavior has been.#JUST because its directed at mem suddenly its totally fine. lets not think about the possibility snake could be telling the truth too.#nawww... the guy who identifies as a snake and looks like a disney villain? im totally not allowing my subconscious biases navigate the#way i treat people in this situation. boy do i love my angel looking boys.#me* not mem lol#surely my culturally christian upbringing isnt playing a part in any of this.#anyways. i never went out of my way to invalidate them but ik believing that would make their narrative crumble for you.#i knew what i wanted. they knew what i wanted. they pretended to be what i wanted. when we got comfortable and i got used to#them being that way theyd start to morph back into who they really are. i dont like who they really are. id try to break up woth them.#theyd beg me to stay. id give them another chance and once again they start acting like the person i wanted to be with. rinse and repeat.#that was the entire relationship. i tried breaking up with them so many times but they were too ig dependant on me#and didnt want me to leave bc ig they thought if i wasnt dating them that id just abandon them and never help them with anything.#i do think its more they knew they could manipulate me easier if we were together and they pretended to be what i wanted.#thats what happened and im sorry you cant accept the truth of who your fave is and what theyre like my dude.#me not liking who they really are has nothing to do with their transness. sure. who they really are is more masc than what i wanted.#but kre than that. who they really were was kinda just a skeevy selfish shitty person who thinks really highly of themselves.#and i just didnt dig that man. not sure what to tell you.#should i have put my foot down and left anyways? yes. and i did. but i knew that when i did break up with them they would turn on me.#like they did. and stabbed me in the back a million times. hoping id hate being alive enough bc of the ostracism to kill myself.#then thered be no one to criticize them for their actions or abusive behavior anymore.#but yeah idc. im not going anywhere. you're gonna tell the truth or put up with my existence. those are your options.#anyways i dont think the progressive solution to you believing i prevented them from being things is to prevent me also from#being things. like how does that help when you just spread the supposed pain.... not to mention it was more of a seed you planted#rather than a plant that was already growing
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Vent post
#i feel like such a fucking shit person so often lately#it feels like no matter how hard i care or how much i try to be there for people and help them the more i hurt them instead#like i just feel as though im this awful thing that can only create pain and thats not who i want to be#i wish it was safe to let people love me#because i just want to be loved and love people but i always hurt them#and they pretend like im good for them when all i do is do everything wromg and hurt everyone#and i try to be a good person but it always always making me a worse person#and they dont see that i need to be useful and its the only way i know to love that has ever been safe or understood#if im not useful then how are you supposed to know i care? bc any other form of communication is seen as too much#factually speaking i hurt more than i help and everyone would be far better off without me#but theyre so convinced that im not a bad person that they cant see tgat i only hurt them#i dont even know what im sayoing anymore#i just dont want to think for a while#i just want my mond to shut up#i hate that the best part of me is also the worst part
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The problem with having friends is that I want to hang out all the time and do things for 1 million years but I am also. Tired. And having a job. And having a family that has a bunch of shit going on all the times.
#i dont have the time or energy to talk to people I HAVE LIKE 4 FRIENDS WHY IS THIS HARD#if i dont talk to each of them at least once a week i feel like an asshole but all of them suck at texting#and dont have schedules that match up with mine#LIKE I LOVE YOU GUYS I JUST DONT HAVE THE ENERGY AFTER WORK#and most of them have terrible sleep schedules so if we hang out when i have work the next day i know that I'll end up staying up too late#and then im just more tired the next day and dont have the energy to do anything#plus ive had a bunch of family stuff going on like my sister moving back in and my cousins coming to stay with us etc etc etc#IT SUCKS CAUSE I FEEL LIKE AN ASSHOLE BECAUSE HALF THE TIME WHEN IM NOT WITH PEOPLE IM NOT DOING ANYTHING I JUST DONT HAVE ANY SPOONS#also all my friends are like “introverts” so when they dont wanna hang out its cause “their social battery is low”-#-but im more extra so why would i be socially tired? why would i be sick of organizing all the hangouts-#-and driving people places and paying for things. <- getting into rant territory#LIKE#can someone else just be like “hey are you free lets hang out” instead of me for once#but then with my one friend who does reach out always wants to discord call for like. HOURS#I DONT HAVE THE ENERGY FOR THAT#and shes the worst when it comes to “im to tired for this but i feel bad saying it” because shes put so much into making sure we keep up#and she doesnt have very many close friends so i feel shitty for not trying harder.#but shes also really tiring to be around because shes mormon still and i have to pretend to be normal and stuff#ughhhhhh#and then like. i know night people talk about how much the world centers around morning people but like#if i have work in the morning im the asshole for not staying up with them till like 1am#I HAVE A JOB I CANT JUST CHOOSE NOT TO SLEEP A BITCH HAS WORK IN THE MORNING#JUST CAUSE I WORK AT A COFFEE SHOP DOESNT MEAN I WANT TO SNORT CAFFEINE TO FUNCTION#ughhhhh#i need a friendgroup so that all my introverts i collect have people to talk to when im too tired#UNFORTUNATELY NONE OF THE PEOPLE I KNOW WOULD GET ALONG#or if they would i dont live close enough to introduce them#feralscreaming
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