#“happy pride month cause you’re gay or whatever” LMAO

[coalescingstar]

jason bringing tim a rainbow cake for pride month out of nowhere

tim: … jason? what the fuck— it’s like seven in the morning??

jason: happy pride month :)

[sugudoe]

── ✎ CHERRY SODA, 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘬𝘰‧₊˚ ୨୧

✶ 𝐬𝐮���𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: June has arrived with a constant presence of heat waves, which your hot self is happy about — after all, now you have an excuse for your red cheeks and sweaty hands whenever 𝙨𝙝𝙤𝙠𝙤 𝙞𝙚𝙞𝙧𝙞 is near you.

✶ 𝐚. 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞: happy pride month! i love loving woman. at the end, i got heavenly inspired by gatsby’s love for daisy, if you’ve seen the movie with leo, you will understand which scene i’m referring too. fun fact: the movie they are watching is bodies bodies bodies, and i wanted to explore more of reader’s ct, but i couldn’t, cus is all fluff. there is always gojo slander in my fics where he is not the love interest lmao. I ALSO LEARNED HOW TO MAKE DE DEGRADE TITLE MWAHHH. divider by: @cafekitsune

✶ 𝐬𝐲𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐛𝐮𝐬: fem!reader / pure fluff / modern!au / curse!au / crackfic! / all are minors so no smut or sexual innuendo / everyone is gay / english is not my first language / too many swear words / lesbian!shoko / reader’s sexuality is shoko, and only that.

✶ 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 3.4k

The happiest day of your life in Jujutsu Tech was the day you found out your upperclassmen, Shoko Ieiri, was lesbian.

That’s it, it was a simple statement made by her when you heard Gojo Satoru flirting with the girl and receiving the news as an answer. You nearly fell to your knees thanking whatever deity is taking care of this universe and you, the sky was clear of clouds, but you could hear perfectly the fireworks of celebration in your head and heart.

“And then, she said ‘Gojo, I’ll rather eat raw liver than be dating a man, specially you.’” You recall the talk while walking from side to side in your room, while Haibara and Nanami are seated in your bed, one with a enchanting smile and the other completely bored. “And…”

“And what?” Haibara bounces on his crossed legs, hands gripping your sanrio plushie of Cinnamonroll, his favorite of your vast collection.

“And she is vegetarian!” You clap your hands, Yu following your movement. “So, Gojo turned to me, and he said ‘and what about you, hot stuff?’ ”

“What did you answered?” Nanami is the one to ask, although his eyes are fixated on the album cover of the vinyl in his hands, disco playing in the background, his ears are all focused on the gossip.

“So, you see…” Scratching your head, you sighed. “I fumbled for real, just went back to you guys.”

Haibara happy expressions morph into disappointment.

“You’re so stupid, with all respect.” He offends you, though. “This was your chance, it’s not everyday we can be going around telling people we are gay, specially our crush.”

“You do all the time.” Both you and Nanami answers the boy.

“Yeah, ‘cause I’m me, Yu Haibara, the one that can’t shut his mouth. No one tells me their secrets, Kennie had to bodyslam me multiple times because I was always about to tell everyone, when we fist stared going out.” Although he said with energy, the boy had his lips in a pout.

“That’s not true, you haven’t told anyone I’m sapphic or about my crush on Shoko.” Your pacing has stopped, as you tried your best to comfort him.

“Not yet, at least.” Nanami snorts his small comment, before whipping the smirk of, and groaning. “Listen, I’m not in the mood to have you two whining, one is already hard enough to deal with, and I’m dating him! So you need to fix this, Y/n.”

“Huh? Fix what? What did I do?” You stare at Haibara, but he seems as confused as you.

“You need to make sure Shoko knows you’re into women as well. Make this your plan of life or whatever, soon as she knows, then comes plan b: get her on a date, it’s not that hard.”

“Yes it is!” You argue your friend’s really good plan. “She is Shoko Ieiri, pretty and popular and strong, and I’m little old me.” You dramatically falls on your carpet, hands on your forehead like a damsel.

“Girl, be for real, this school does not have that many people to be calling her popular. It’s just that you both are the only girls.” Haibara throws the sanrio plush at your face after his statement. “And you are as strong as her, in fact you are stronger than her, you literally are the strongest at the school.”

“So close! That’s the albino with the blinding eyes, actually.” Says Kento, coming to sit on the floor by your side. Both of you with large doe eyes staring at an energetic Haibara.

“She knows what I mean, your cursed technique is literally the more fucked you get, the more stronger you become. If Gojo bitch slapped you, you would break this world with your energy.”

“What are you saying, baby?” You stare agape at Nanami, is not always he uses the pet names, but the boy is as shocked as you with Haibara’s statement, so it slipped.

“Yeah, what’s with you and this weird coach talk? I don’t wanna be slapped by Gojo.” You mumble awkward, thoughts going straight into the cursed image of having Satoru’s large hands slapping your face — goosebumps follow your disgust in your skin.

“You need to shoot your shot, make her see you as not a school friend but as a potential future girlfriend.” The brunette gets up from the bed and points to your calendar. “It’s june, time to proud!”

You are proud and extremely hot, days later when summer has made its presence everyone’s problem. The students at school discards the purple jackets of their uniforms to only wear the white shirt underneath. You have to do a double take when you see Shoko and her classmates coming your way at the vending machine.

Ieiri looks so beautiful. She always does — but there is something about the short box braids she has, or how she tied her blouse on her waist, the way her skin is glowing with sweater, or the way she is smiling and right in front of you — glossy lips tinted pink moving. Oh shit, she is talking to you.

“I’m sorry what?” You catch yourself saying before staring at her eyes, she is smiling and they are almost closing. Adorable. “My brain is melting, it’s so hot.”

Lame excuse, but she buys it, you think.

“I was asking if you bought your soda yet.” You can sense her eyes on your empty hands, and smiles more when you sign no with your head.

“No..No! I was about to, you want some? I can buy for you.” You cringe at your own desperation, but Shoko sweetly laugh.

“No! I want to buy for you. I’m you senpai, it’s my job.” She goes for the machine and presses the number for cherry coke twice, before paying with her card. Shoko gives you your can before saying her goodbye and moving back to her waiting friends, both males smirking at you.

Walking back with a maniac smile before sprinting to your bedroom, you where once again greeted by Nanami and Haibara in there, startled by your sudden entrance of nearly breaking the door down.

“SHE KNOWS MY SODA!” You scream before falling to your knees, the cold can pressed against your hand reliving you.

“What does she mean?” Haibara asks to his boyfriend, but Nanami simply shrugs, annoyed.

“Don’t know, but clearly you don’t know ours. I’m thirsty and melting.” The blond whines before leaving the room to grab his and his boyfriend’s beverage.

“Hai, you don’t understand.” It’s a second after the door closes, you are in front of the boy, happy expressions in contrasts to his alarmed one. “She payed for my soda, and she knew what was my favorite.”

“SHE KNOWS YOUR SODA.”

When Nanami returns, minutes later, he is appalled to see you and his boyfriend screaming happily and jumping on your carpet, while on the background, wedding bells are heard from your music box. He sighs desperate.

Friday comes quickly, and luckily for you, it’s the first of the month, therefore, movie nights in your room: the perfect hangout spot, as always. It’s been a tradition since your friendship with Haibara started, and Nanami shows up whenever he was bored, which pretty much was all the time — specially now that he has his own boyfriend to cuddle.

You love them both to a crazy extent, is true! But no one in their right minds enjoy third wheeling, so you keep mumbling while setting your room up with the help of Yu while Nanami is out buying the snacks. It’s in the middle of your one person rant while adjusting fairy lights on your bed, small couch and plushies’s shelf, you feel something being throw to your head.

“Ow! What was that for?” You turn around to a pissed of Yu, hands on his hips and scowling face.

“I’m so tired of you, Y/n.” The boy comes closer to you, you fear he is going to throw any other thing, but instead he hugs you. “Please, don’t be stupid. Shoko likes you, everyone can see as much as we see you like her. So stop wasting time.”

It’s not supposed to work, because after all, you are the second most dramatic person in this school — coming after Satoru. For some reason, you might blame the summer heat waves that burn your skin much like Shoko’s attention does, and your brain has always been fogged with thoughts of only her. The thing is, Haibara is partly right. You like her lots and lots, and she likes girls lots and lots, and you are a girl, a pretty girl that can make Shoko laugh and feel comfortable — a pretty girl she knows what’s the favorite soda flavor.

Haibara is startled when you leave his embrace to move out of the room, he follows you after a few second of astonishment, and when the boy notices where you are going, a large smile is plastered on his face. He is so proud of you.

Both of you stop in front of a black door decorated with a cat rug and painted with flowers and vines, handmade by Shoko herself. You take three long breaths before knocking the door, and nearly jump back when it’s opened less than a second later by a six foot tall white haired freak with devilish smile. Gojo doesn’t have his glasses. Bitch knew you were coming.

“Shoko, your girlfriend is here.” Satoru sings before opening the door more, giving you a sight of Shoko’s perfectly cleaned room and minimal decorated, a total contrast to your own.

“Y/n?” Ieiri jumps from her bed besides Geto and comes your way at the door, pink cheeks much like yours. “Hi!”

“Hi…” Your soft voice you have reserved only for her comes out, before you scratch your throat and looks at everyone. All eyes are on you. “Uh, the boys and I are doing a movie night. We- - we thought of inviting you guys, if you want.”

“We would love to, we were so bored, actually.” Shoko answers right away, before turning to her friends.

“Huh? Weren’t we going to the mall?” Gojo asks turning towards Geto, but the black haired only shakes his head. “Oh, oh! Yeah, yeah, we are totally bored, no mall! Just movies with friends sounds amazing.”

“Great!” You smile triumphantly. “Nanami is getting snacks. Hai, can you send him a message asking to buy more?” You turn to your friend, but he is already with his phone in hand, texting, one of his hand making a positive sign. You turn back to face Shoko, shivering while noticing she is already staring at you. “So, see you… You guys, in fifteen minutes?”

“Yeah, see ya.” She whispers back.

It takes Haibara hands on your shoulder, much like Gojo’s on Shoko, for you to realize both of you had been quietly staring at each other. You wave her goodbye before moving back to your dorm. While in there, you and Haibara prepare the room for the others. The sofa would be for him and Nanami and your bed for you, as always. Your friend goes to his room before returning with his inflatable neon pink couch, which prompt you to change your neon lights to pink, as well.

The room is cutely decorated before you both fall on the bed to rest, and then a knock come. You don’t get up, Nanami just bursts into the room before dropping his bags on your coffee table. He scoffs.

“Why did you had to invite them?” Is all he says before falling on his sofa. “I mean, I like her, Geto I can handle…” Kento moves his face to stare at you two before whining. “But Gojo?!”

“Damn, I thought this was going to be a good time, not an offending me time.” The three of you jump at hearing Gojo’s voice, he is by your door, annoying smile decorating his face. Besides him, is Geto and Shoko.

“Every hour is a offending Gojo time, sorry bud.” Geto taps his friend head before moving inside your room, his eyes scan the place before deciding to fall on the neon sofa. “Nice room, Y/n, very you.”

The “thank you” is at the tip of your tongue, barely leaving through your voice, before stagnating when you look at the door, where she is. And fuck, you don’t think you’ve said anything in this world before, words become nothing in your mind in that very moment, all you can think is compliments and her name — Shoko is wearing a different outfit than earlier, she discharged the shorts and shirt for a flourished sundress, and two strands of her hair are braided. You can also catch glitter on her eyelids and her signature pink gloss on her lips.

“Shit.” Someone say, and you quickly realize it’s your voice. You cough before shifting your face to the boys, all again staring at you. “Uh, than… Fuck, thank you, Geto.” You say before moving towards the coffee table and grabbing two sodas of cherry coke and twizzlers. You go towards Shoko, who is still by your door, and you handle her the soda with a happy smile she copies.

“Am I going to have to share the pink couch with them giants?” Shoko whispers, motioning her head towards Satoru and Suguru, both playing fighting in the inflatable couch.

“No, no.” Couching again to refrain the embarrassment of answering so quickly, you sigh after, containing your nervousness. “You can share the bed with me.”

You close the door behind her, and soon your hand is in her back, moving both of you towards your comfortable bed and sitting on it, legs sprayed all over while your backs are resting on your comfortable headboard. Shoko is near the wall, caged by your body.

You toss the controller to Haibara, and he starts to go through the movies in the playlist showed on your wall, by your projector. You are not interested in movies anymore, if you could you would move everyone away and be with only her. You can sense her face moving towards the boys and you, but you keep staring at your soda. The cold in it keeps you in check.

Taking a gulp, tasting the faint cherry, you wonder what kissing Shoko would taste like. You could bet it would be like strawberries with sugar sprinkled on them, maybe a spoon of honey as well. And obviously, a tinted bitter of the cigarettes she smokes from time to time — it used to be worse, until you commented on the bothering of the smoke, and now she never smokes whenever you are near.

Maybe, you head and heart wonders, she likes you. There is nothing wrong with you, after all. You are pretty, smart, strong and sometimes funny. You could be liked by her as much as you like her, right?

The movie is already playing when Shoko pokes your arm, your mind goes blank and you move to her, tilting your head.

“Can I have a licorice?” She quietly asks. You want to give her anything, in fact.

“Yeah, here.” You open the package, giving her one of the red tubes. Trying not to, but failing, your eyes focused on the way her lips closed on the candy, wetting part of it with her gloss.

“Hey! No snoggin in there, I’m already third wheeling these two.” Gojo’s voice makes you realize how close you were to Shoko’s face, you grunt before staring at Nanami and Haibara, and they are just holding each-other.

“You’re bitter ‘cause Suguru won’t cuddle you.” Shoko answers after biting harshly her licorice, Nanami laughs at her answer when an offended gasp comes from Gojo. He doesn’t deny.

You laugh at Gojo’s offended face, and to add more fire to his bitterness, you move your arm to Shoko’s shoulder, she goes stiff for a moment before resting her head to your neck.

“Traitors.” Gojo mumbles and goes back to staring the movie, you see Suguru smirk before doing the same you did to Shoko to his friend.

After more minutes of the movie, in a particularly funny scene, you sense Ieiri’s head moving, you look down and she is already facing you. You grab another licorice and give it to her, straight to her mouth, she bites it before you take a bite on the other end.

If that’s the closest your mouth would come to hers, you would take it. By the gods, anything she would give you, would be precisely loved by you. Her presence, her scent, her glittery eyes staring solely at you. You would trade anything for her in that moment, if only to keep her attention on you and yours on her. What’s heaven to a woman’s love anyway?

You want to kiss her when the licorice is devoured eagerly. You almost do, lips reaching closer, and her eyes flattering shut, but a bombing laugh of Suguru takes you both apart. No one noticed, all eyes on your wall. You sigh gulping, groaning once more, but smiling while hearing her quiet giggles.

When the movie ends, everyone but you two get up, cracking their bones and talking loudly.

“Y/n, what was your favorite scene?” Haibara is the one who asks you, smirk in his face he shares with Gojo. “My favorite was the cruise one with the bananas’s costume, so funny.”

“Oh, yeah! Yeah, my favorite as well.” You answer while caressing Shoko’s arms, she starts to giggle more and you smile as well. “There was no cruise scene, right?”

“No, there wasn’t.” Shoko moves her head up, laughing sweetly now.

The gods really took their time with her, appreciating every little detail, from her laughs she emanated such good feelings, your insides would go warm and butterflies would rip your ribcage. But truthfully, you felt the weight of all your emotions while staring lovingly at her. Someone coughed.

“Well, I don’t know ‘bout you guys, but I’m tired. Should we go?” Gojo says and everyone agrees, they all say goodbye to you before stopping at the door, Nanami moves towards your music box, playing a calm song he knows you listen to before sleeping.

“Aren’t you coming, Shoko?” Suguru asks with malicious in his voice. She yawns, but doesn’t move.

“I’ll walk her to her room, don’t worry.” You say, making her nod and soon all the boys are gone. Is just you and her, in your bed.

Shit. Shoko Ieiri is in your bed. The perfect girl, the one you adores, the most beautiful human being is laying on you in your bed and she is not complaining, she even hugs your waist tighter when the door closes.

“Ieiri.” It’s rare for you to call her by her name, and she always seems happier when you do, this time is no different, she moves her head up with that cute smile you adore. “I like you.”

You always wondered how to confess to someone — her — in the most majestic and perfect way. In your mind, much like Haibara did to Nanami, you should give her plenty of her favorite food and flowers to match her sun kissed cheeks. It’s not something you planned, because you’ve never thought this day would come. Although it all changed with her in your arms, like she was always meant to be, you were designed to hold her.

So, in the pink and yellow lights of your room, under a shelf of dozens of plushies and Novo Amor playing in the background, your eyes focus shifting from her glitter eyeshadow to the gloss in her lips, that was heaven to you. That was the perfect place. She smiles, and you know you did the right thing.

“I like you too, Y/n.” Her sweet voice is melody to your ears, you barely register what she says, but is nothing to worry about, her lips are quickly on yours by the end of her sentence.

It’s cherry.

Shoko Ieiri tastes like cherry, in fact, she tastes like your favorite soda, a part of you who loves the beverage, unknowingly already choosing her. Her gloss is passed to your lips, giving you more of her taste, and when the kiss gets deeper, you feel like heaven has been given to you. In that moment, you know you are lost.

You separate yourselves for a second, finding yourself hovering over her, and stare at the her pretty crimson face, for just a moment appreciating that after her you would never be the same again. And how happy you were for that. So you go back for a second kiss, and a third, and more, more. All the kisses she wants, you will give to her, for the whole eternity you’ll have by her side — you are hers, and she is yours.

[theyarebothgunshot]

this is exactly how it went down in my head.

misha: hey, everything okay? do you need me to do something?

jensen: no, lay low. we’re figuring it out.

misha: got it.

— the next day —

misha: things settled. should i say anything? draw attention? stay neutral?

jensen: you don’t have to, but if you want, tread lightly. we’ve had enough chaos.

misha: say no more.

when nobody got your back you KNOW dmitri got your back.

ANYWAYS i turned my back for TWO MINUTES and y'all went the fuck off in my inbox so, you know the drill: more under the cut

NO BUT JENSEN’S RESPONSE LMAAAAAO honestly fallout theory is so on oh my God I can’t stop-

on god they are so loud like-

Worst damage control i've ever seen. god bles.

so true bestie

I think Jensen probably just wants to be done with this petty little drama, so if he has to pretend everything between them is okay he is going to be the bigger man and lay it to rest. Whatever is going on between them he definitely doesn't want to sort that out on social media and the earlier he pretends everything is sorted out the earlier people will forget about it again.

Also it's kinda funny how J*red Tweet was like implying they had a misunderstanding but still talk to each other regularly, while Jensen went full on the we grow apart a little bit, because we were busy, let's catch back up. Makes me wonder if they actually talked or if there managers just said hey that's not good pr, let's put that to rest. Also did J*red know before yesterday that they had a falling out or did he just not realize.

- 🐌 anon

literally jensen went out of his way to say 'uhhh we never talk, worstie' god if pr management is involved then they did a bad job. also j*red still does not realise they have fallen out. jshfjdsfh

Jackles was like God bless but we ain’t talking like this worstie

good for her.gif

csdsc heeft gevraagd:

All I need now is for Misha to tweet “ is it safe to come out now?” And I’ll be complete lmfao 😂😂😂

that would have been better than what we got lmfao

I have one fear and it's Jensen being forced to add j*red to his show and his other projects because he couldn't stop whining like a baby,,, ugh i hate him

i pretend i do not see

Kinda selfish of me tbh but i don't want them to be "friends" again, Jensen sweetie run as fast as you can

co-signed

Ok Jensen's answer to Jared tweet made me feel so bad for him. Like, I can see it's damage control and public relations (obviously) but there's stuff behind it. I can't name it, but idk, I felt terrible for texas man this time, I don't think that reply was written with a "love and light energy" or even without much care. I felt some heavy vibes.

- 🌻, who is now a fortune teller and a prophet apparently

yeah i feel hella bad for him to, for having to deal with this shit. nonnie please if you ever have anything to predict, lemme know sjdfhs

You know Jensen's tweet has the energy of like kindergarten wenn an other kid started a fight with you and the kindergarten teacher wants you to forgive each other and hung it out and you really don't want to, but your kindergarten teacher is being annoying and he isn't worth the annoyance either.

- 🐌 anon

you are not wrong

Incredibly thankful that I have the day off from work 😂 I'm with hatching chick anon, the 3 dots read as passive aggressive/insincere to me, and I love it! I haven't spent this many hours on tumblr since I first discovered cockles! (On a side note, the lack of fimmf posts today has me feeling like it's not friday lol) -🐢

i, too, miss fimmf but alas things happen, they do they do they do

I was right. :(

It got almost romantic...

👀

nonnie you know i love you but this is really not the case, like, at all??? idk how you could look at those tweets and think it was almost romantic. it was THEE most scripted, pr bullshit ever. it was staged and fake. idk what else to tell ya

Danneel liked Jensen's tweet

i saw

That is so so awkward I feel so sorry for all of us being exposed to this and so happy I chose to leave the Internet for half a day - tea anon

god bless your stance on that cause i would have hated missing out on this lmao

You know what? I think it’s okay being a 38 year old moron if you’re bringing us this type of content

im happy with the food but still think its not okay tbh

pspspsps Misha this is the perfect day for you to drop the gay Cas essay pspspspsp it is still pride month pspspsps

you know you want to king pspsps

So that JIB6 link (I think it was from your post, right?). I went and watched that bit, and a little more.

Jensen makes a comment about Jared being first on the call sheet because Sam was supposed to be the main focal character.

And that him nor Misha cared about what number they were, so in all that time it never changed.

And I’ll be… if that just doesn’t perfectly sum them up and their feelings on things. And how a certain someone can be petty… 🦚

idk if it was from my post? but maybe? my analysis probably? but yeah things are making more and more sense huh

Ohh that's also an alien? Welcome to the extraterrestial family then, purple alien anon!

Also it's probably because I'm coming off the high this drama gave me but I'm not looking forward to them trying so hard to convince us everything is normal between them. Even though we now Know, they will have to keep pretending. Today (yesterday?) was a shitshow but some masks fell off, at least for a moment and I kinda wish Jensen was less professional 😂

👽

oh for real, fallout theory IS confirmed and nothing they said today will change my mind, it only made me believe in it even more lmfao and with that in mind i am just gonna sip my tea if they try to be buddy buddy on main again

I THINK MISHA UNRETWEETED BUT HE TWEETED "LOVE AND MISS YOU BOTH" I'M LOSING MY DIGNITY HERE - tea anon

yeah he now answered them sjdfhsjfhsf instead of rt

MISHA COLLINS IS A KING I STAN THE RIGHT MAN

YOU SURE DO

I just know Misha’s process was oh crap I have to let people know I’m supporting them and I can’t choose sides. Ok. Retweet. NO. Delete. I love both of you. Yes, good.

sjdfsdfh this makes me think of that post that dissected jackles' birthday post for misha where he used the heart. 'call him bro, that makes it less obvious. nailed it.'

Lol I'm off for a few days and come back to total chaos... God I missed it here

Like the "et tu... #bravo" tweet? Made my day! Frikking hilarious (every time I see it I picture J*red with a pissy frech accent saying it out loud lol) it's just such an incredibly petty hissy fit he threw (I know he tweeted more later on but... Really all that stuff coming afterwards just sounds like damage control)

Missed you Rose

-🐻

LOVE the french accent detail im gonna do this too sdjfhsjfh missed you toooo!!!!

Oh man Misha is really gonna get hate for that I KNOW IT

sigh well. nothing he isnt used to by now, unfortunately

i mean i believe they feel like brothers, but constantly falling back on the “brother” thing to keep up appearances is really starting to feel like “#spnfamily” at this point.

honestly brothers can be very annoying, or so i have heard, so it fits with the fallout theory lmao

They actually said if we’re gonna make this gay we cannot have Jar*d Pad*lecki involved

oh my God this is the funniest timeline to ever exist God bless I’m just waiting to canon bi Mary

king shit tbh

[harrowdubois]

okay, i said if there was interest i would think about making a post listing all the references i squeezed into the locked tomb fic i spent the last month or so writing, and now i’ve realised i don’t care if there’s interest because i want to be self-indulgent SO

under the cut is a (somewhat spoilery) chronological list of all the memes, vines, and cribbed tumblr posts, as well as homages to various books, tv shows, song lyrics, etc. that made their way into blessed with a wilder mind! 

(cw for suicide mention)

this is of course a reference to the legendary bodybuilding forum thread where they did, actually, argue over how many days there are in a week (cw for ableist slurs in the thread)

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buzzfeed unsolved meme. i am dirt and i love to eat dirt

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this is so well-known it’s almost not worth listing it but oh my god they were roommates

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in itself, this isn’t a reference to anything in particular, but if you didn’t do this on your first read then i’d recommend taking another look at this scene and thinking about the specific wuthering heights/frankenstein/rebecca excerpts discussed by harrow and mercymorn but in relation to canon!harrow’s trauma/relationship with the body in htn :~) 

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also not really a reference to anything in particular but when i looked back over the fic for this post it struck me that the ‘sex panther’ phrasing was probably at least partially unconsciously inspired by the shoebox project (professor mcgonagall’s oiled man panther was a formative moment for me, truly)

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cw gross/unsanitary: it’s the tinder poop window incident. i mentioned this in the end notes of the fic as being what i had in mind for that scene but if it’s too gross for you (UNDERSTANDABLY) then feel free to Death Of The Author me to your heart’s content!

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i listened to a lot of orville peck while writing this

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 very very very loosely inspired by this clickhole article

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respectively: fourth of july by sufjan stevens / wuthering heights by emily bronte

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TWO BROS, CHILLIN IN A HOT TUB, FIVE FEET APART BECAUSE THEY’RE NOT GAY

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there was absolutely no need to stretch this across three paragraphs, and yet

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iconic

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i already linked to this one in the end notes of the fic itself, but it’s good, so here it is again

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 i can’t find the actual original post but it’s this fucking horrible thing 

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the last line is a reference to the secret history by donna tartt:

“Could it be because it reminds us that we are alive, of our mortality, of our individual souls- which, after all, we are too afraid to surrender but yet make us feel more miserable than any other thing? But isn't it also pain that often makes us most aware of self? It is a terrible thing to learn as a child that one is a being separate from the world, that no one and no thing hurts along with one's burned tongues and skinned knees, that one's aches and pains are all one’s own. Even more terrible, as we grow old, to learn that no person, no matter how beloved, can ever truly understand us. Our own selves make us most unhappy, and that's why we're so anxious to lose them, don't you think?”

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a lyrical double whammy!

from ‘last words of a shooting star’ by mitski: “they’ll never know how i’d stared at the dark in that room with no thoughts like a blood-sniffing shark”

from ‘a better son/daughter’ by rilo kiley: “sometimes in the morning i am petrified but can’t move/awake but cannot open my eyes” 

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*

shout-out to maybe my single favourite video game moment, the encounter with the sky cat in night in the woods: “There is a hole at the center of everything, and it is always growing. Between the stars I am seeing it. It is coming, and you are not escaping, and the universe is forgetting you, and the universe is being forgotten, and there is nothing to remember it, not even the things beyond. And now there is only the hole... You are atoms, and your atoms are not caring if you are existing. Your atoms are monstrous existence.”

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“Nothing is ever fulfilled, not until the very end.” - rust cohle, true detective s1, this reference is VERY tonally dissonant because in context it’s actually grim as all hell but w/e w/e i couldn’t resist the shout-out

also harrow quotes from the goldfinch again here! i had the reference included before i read this post and realised tamsyn muir also quotes from the secret history in htn. terrible synergy 

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they are in fact all real. you’re welcome

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this one’s doing a lot of work lmao. it’s paying homage to this quote by tamsyn muir talking about the draco-in-leather-pants trope in relation to ianthe by loosely referencing drop dead gorgeous, the best drarry fic ever written, in which harry is part veela

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“It's a very Greek idea, and a very profound one. Beauty is terror. Whatever we call beautiful, we quiver before it. And what could be more terrifying and beautiful, to souls like the Greeks or our own, than to lose control completely? To throw off the chains of being for an instant, to shatter the accident of our mortal selves? Euripides speaks of the Maenads: head thrown I back, throat to the stars, "more like deer than human being." To be absolutely free! One is quite capable, of course, of working out these destructive passions in more vulgar and less efficient ways. But how glorious to release them in a single burst! To sing, to scream, to dance barefoot in the woods in the dead of night, with no more awareness of mortality than an animal! These are powerful mysteries. The bellowing of bulls. Springs of honey bubbling from the ground. If we are strong enough in our souls we can rip away the veil and look that naked, terrible beauty right in the face; let God consume us, devour us, unstring our bones. Then spit us out reborn.” - that’s right it’s another reference to the secret history, with a little bit of mary oliver (tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?) sprinkled on top for flavour

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a small one, but it’s the goldfinch again: “And I feel I have something very urgent and serious to say to you, my non-existent reader, and I feel I should say it as urgently as if I were standing in the room with you...”

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my FUCKING cinnamon apple

 what if i... put my minecraft bed.... next to yours... aha ha just kidding.... unless?

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[cw: suicide discussion in these next two]

*

robyn can have little a rust cohle quote, as a treat.

1. “I'd consider myself a realist, all right? But in philosophical terms I'm what's called a pessimist... I think human consciousness is a tragic misstep in evolution. We became too self-aware. Nature created an aspect of nature separate from itself. We are creatures that should not exist by natural law... We are things that labor under the illusion of having a self, that accretion of sensory experience and feelings, programmed with total assurance that we are each somebody, when in fact everybody's nobody... I think the honorable thing for our species to do is to deny our programming. Stop reproducing, walk hand in hand into extinction; one last midnight, brothers and sisters opting out of a raw deal.”

2. “This... This is what I'm talking about. This is what I mean when I'm talkin' about time, and death, and futility. All right, there are broader ideas at work, mainly what is owed between us as a society for our mutual illusions. Fourteen straight hours of staring at DBs, these are the things you think of. You ever done that? You look in their eyes, even in a picture, doesn't matter if they're dead or alive, you can still read 'em. You know what you see? They welcomed it... Not at first, but... right there in the last instant. It's an unmistakable relief. See, cause they were afraid, and now they saw for the very first time how easy it was to just... let go. Yeah, they saw, in that last nanosecond, they saw... what they were. You, yourself, this whole big drama, it was never more than a jerry-rig of presumption and dumb will, and you could just let go. To finally know that you didn't have to hold on so tight. To realize that all your life - you know, all your love, all your hate, all your memories, all your pain - it was all the same thing. It was all the same dream, a dream that you had inside a locked room, a dream about being a person.”

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ahaaa this one’s particularly rough. evil monkey no one alive dot jpg

“Later, that dozy embrace solidified in his memory as the single moment of artless, charmed happiness in their separate and difficult lives. Nothing marred it, even the knowledge that Ennis would not then embrace him face to face because he did not want to see or feel that it was Jack he held. And maybe, he thought, they’d never got much farther than that. Let be, let be.” - annie proulx, brokeback mountain

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a TRIPLE lyrical whammy!

- harrow’s words to gideon in the dream are a bit of a vague reference to the song ‘adventures in solitude’ by the new pornographers (”we thought we lost you/welcome back”) - gideon’s words to harrow are a reference to the song ‘blush’ by wolf alice (”you’ve got two hands to take all you can/but don’t take too long”) - what harrow texts to gideon is a line from ‘about today’ by the national, aka the most devastating song ever written (”hey, are you awake?/yeah i’m right here”...)

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i CANNOT find a clip of it but harrow’s repetition of “life is short... it’s short” was me paraphrasing from memory a line from pride (2014), because i am the worst

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spooky scary skeletons! 

“jail for gideon” is obviously a reference to the “jail for mother” tweet that tm also referenced in htn. so, not original in the slightest, but it’s a great tweet

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one of my favourite tumblr posts

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because naberius tern absolutely would watch rick and morty. he would. i know it in my heart. 

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and that’s it, i think. hope you enjoyed this horrid little post and my horrid little fic!

[lovelybrittxo]

where do I even start?

I’m literally only writing this for myself since typing a whole novel out on the computer is way easier than writing this in a physical journal which is what I normally do. I come to Tumblr though when I have way too much to say and don't know how to say it. I just need to get it off my chest before I blow up. so here it goes...

shall we start at the beginning? I grew up in a decently religious household. my mom, sister and I went to church almost every Sunday with all our aunts and uncles. don't get me wrong, I still believe in God and whatnot and I wouldn't change my upbringing in the church for anything. but it may have suppressed my views on the world. something my aunt said to me a few years ago has stuck to brain ever since and I can't seem to shake it. she told me that she actually believes that being gay is a sin and that you can love the sinner but not the sin. so like, she believes if you're gay, you can be gay but don't act upon it/the sin. she believes, for example, that being trans is a mental illness. like, I just can't wrap my head around that. and honestly, she spoke with so much conviction and “sense” that she actually had me fooled to think the same way for a hot second. and then to learn that my other “cool” aunt also believes this... kinda sad. both of those aunts have literally talked down upon family (and our family is very tight knit) and people they love... what would they do if they ever found out about me?

ive felt a lot of feelings ever since I was young. mostly towards males... but also towards females. I just thought the female part was me wanting to be like them or be their friend and just have them like me and accept me as a chill person to be around. but fast forward to a couple years ago. I was bombarded (in a good way) by social media flaunting (in a good way lol) different sexualities and things. its hard to describe but that “world” was just becoming more prominent to me I guess.

I started to try and put my religious upbringing in the background so I could focus on trying to figure out who I really was. ive been doing this for at least a couple years now. and although im still trying to really figure it out, right now half way through 2020, I think im getting closer to an answer. and guess what has helped me the most? tiktok lmao! no but for real, the internet is an amazing place for discovery in any form. after I started to get into real communities online (like kpop and penpaling) i’ve never felt more connected to the internet and it allowed me to try and find real personal help... if that makes any sense. i’ve just tried to put myself out there and not just google my feelings but piece together a map from asking real people over the Internet here and there to try and figure out who I am.

sometime last year (or maybe earlier) I found a YouTube video of a popular creator retelling her coming out story. I just randomly commented on the video about how I had been feeling, not to get a reply but just to comment. but then I actually got a real reply (not from the creator but still a nice person). they said something along the lines of me basically being bicurious. I had never in my life heard of such a word and I had thought that this person was just making it up. one google search later I found out it was a real thing. although at the time of first looking it up I was still very confused about the word... still kinda am? lol. however, just a couple weeks ago I had seen a post somewhere (an ad I think selling pride flags) saying there was an official bicurious flag. I was in shock. I thought it was a scam, but its not, it’s real (I just don't think it’s talked about very often cause it doesn't seem like a solid sexuality that you can claim your entire life). but anyway.

now what i’m gonna say next I don't want to come off in the wrong way (you nonexistent person reading this lol), but I feel like dating a trans person brought me into that “world” a bit more. like, i had literally never met anyone who was trans before him or anyone who was gay or used a they/them pronoun... never. but in his world, all of that was common and normal. and this is where I don't want to come off wrongly... I don't wanna make it seem like because I dated a trans person i’m qualified to be included in the LGBT community now or to talk about LGBT stuff or whatever. I just think because I dated him, it opened up my shallow world a bit. especially because he’s open about it (on a side note I always loved looking at his huge trans flag above his bed. that was the first flag I had really ever memorized because of him. besides the rainbow one obviously lol). like, his best friend uses they/them pronouns, and although i’ve always been aware of that, i’ve only ever seen things about it through YouTube videos and whatnot. I had never had to actually use those pronouns for anyone I knew in real life until I met his best friend. like, everything I knew about that “world” had only been through online researching/consuming. i’d never experienced it in real life before.

I remember one night we talked about it a little. I knew he was bisexual and so I asked him if he’d ever dated a guy. he asked me if I would ever date a girl and i just said that I had always thought about it and that my tinder profile was set to find both genders. then we talked about pride since it was at the beginning of quarantine and we didn't know if parades were still gonna happen or not yet. he said I could always go as an ally because I told him I felt ashamed and like I shouldn't be allowed to attend a pride parade. (of course he reassured me I can go and he wasn't shocked about me liking both genders at all...he just said ‘nice’ lol)

I still have a little inkling in the back of my mind that I still shouldn't be able to attend though. honestly because I don't know what I would be attending as. I feel like an imposter. I don't want people thinking that im doing all this for attention or just because I dated one person in the LGBT community. i’ve been struggling with this for so long... but it just so happens that now at 27 years old im coming to terms with who I am. I just feel like because I didn't figure it out earlier that I’m not “worthy” of being included. I feel like such an outsider because no one’s “invited” me in yet lol because im still trying to figure it out.

and on the same note, I don't feel like i’m worthy because I still really don't have a solid answer. at the moment I just use bicurious because ive never dated a girl before. the trans guy ive been talking about has been the only person i’ve ever been romantically involved with. im serious. I made it 26 years without being with anyone in any type of way. I feel like I don't have the right to call myself bisexual. however, I feel a tiny bit more confident in using that label maybe after I do end up dating a girl in the future and not feel guilty about using it because that same guy calls himself bisexual but told me right out one day that he’s way more attracted to girls than guys and im in the same situation but opposite. the only difference at this point in time is that he’s dated both and I haven't. but thennnn on the other hand, do I even need to label myself at all right now??

even if I did wanna come out, I don't wanna do it until I really have a solid answer about my identity. i just feel like such a fraud or something because im trying to figure it out so late. and like, im going so over the top with my support this year because I feel like I should fit in and maybe im trying too hard? again, I just don't want people thinking its because I dated one trans guy and all of a sudden im huge into the LGBT community. it’s not like that. all of this is just helping me bring out my true self. ugh this is the part where it gets confusing to put into words. i’m aware and I have pure intentions. im just trying to figure out myself after a long time of trying to figure out myself lol

some days the research is overwhelming. there's so many facts and opinions and different people’s stories and labels. as crazy as it sounds I just want someone who’s been gay their whole life to come up and tell me “yup, your bisexual no doubt” lol or something like that. I guess I just want to be validated in my exploration. and i’ve seen random tiktok comments saying stuff like that, that validates me, but the difference is that their comments aren’t directed specifically to me. they don't know me personally. it’s hard to have a random social media comment resonate with me. honestly, and this may sound selfish and not right, but when I was talking to the guy I was seeing, I almost wish he just told me straight out what I was that day. but instead he said I could go to Pride as an ally. and that was probably just him being respectful and not forcing me to be anything, but it almost had the opposite effect on me. by saying I was an ally it felt like he was giving me that permanent label even after telling him I like guys and girls.... ya know?

something recently happened to me that really stuck with me and I was so happy. I have a penpal who is very southern Texas raised religious. she knows the Bible better than I do. I had posted a Pride doodle I did on my Instagram at the beginning of this month and she was the only one who personally responded with an encouraging and supportive dm. if she can support whole heartedly the LGBT community and still love God, then why can't I?? and that's when I trulyyyy knew that I was right and my aunt’s were wrong and I wasn't going insane lol

I wanted to buy a bicurious or pride flag recently. but then was torn when I saw the ally flag (which I also didn't know existed until recently) and the bisexual flag. I know they're just flags but it feels so solid?? like you buy one when you know what you are.... and I don't yet. so I ended up not buying one at all :/

again, there was no purpose to this post because I know no one is going to read it but I just had to type it out into the world so I didn't have to bottle it up anymore.