#“death bed conversion” ITS INCREDIBLY SAD FOR HIM TO CARES AT THIS POINT FOR A INFINITY NUMBER OF REASONS | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

baubaes · 3 years ago

Note

hi! is there a chance for Jemily with no22? some angst maybe? cheers🤗

Well hello to you to! And of course there is!

@thatonecurlygirl prompt list 22

“I can’t give you what you want.”

Ship: Emily Prentiss x Jennifer Jareau

Word count: 5,4k

Genre: angst/hurt/fluff/very very light nsfw? i have no clue how to label this

Warnings: mentions of violence, death, injuries, classic criminal minds vibes :^)))

Summary: "Right now, Emily Prentiss was dead. She, however, was on a plane to Paris." aka JJ taking care of staked Emily, the blackbird flashback and events around it.

A/N: i thought of way too many scenarios when even though Emily and JJ are literally in love, it could never work out. here's one of them :^) i hope you'll enjoy it!! xx ana apparently i just can't imagine a scenario in which these characters could have a peaceful, quiet and happy life, im so sorry

Emily felt drained.

She was all hurting, really bad, her head was killing her, not only from the beating she received those several days ago, but also the mere stress of all this.

It was pretty baffling for her to realize that she survived this whole ordeal.

She couldn’t say for how long she was out; it felt both like a blink of an eye and an eternity.

And she really thought that she died, when she eventually lost consciousness in Morgan’s arms. That still felt like ages ago.

It was all really confusing, but then again, she couldn’t spare too much of her strength to dwell on what actually happened. Emily just felt too weak to try to keep her eyes open for too long and that resulted in her reality being pretty much scattered.

When she woke up in a hospital room, she was dazed and overwhelmed. They’ve put her on some strong painkillers after the surgery and most of the time right then felt like a blur. She thought she heard some voices in her dream, maybe doctors, maybe… Was it JJ?

She heard bits and pieces of conversations, somebody commenting on her condition in a low voice, nervous footsteps circling around the room, the dimmed rhythmical sounds of all the equipment she was hooked to, some sort of buzzing and a one sided conversation that had to be a phone call.

Was it just some bizarre dream?

A way for her subconscious mind to cope with the anxiety surrounding the recent events?

Whether it was real or not, it let her stay in this state of slumber brought to her through an IV drip.

Despite all that, she felt really grateful. She wasn’t sure where to channel this gratitude though;

Her team for backing her up?

The doctors for patching her up in the OR?

God, for allowing her to continue her existence?

Then again, she wasn’t sure if the last one existed, nor that the almighty entity would waste its time on making sure little old her survives.

It was comforting though, that her last moments on this Earth managed not to be spent with Doyle, even if that was against her will, so in theory, she didn’t have much of control over this.

Memories of him were a combination of ones that she’s made as Emily Prentiss and ones that she’s made as Lauren Reynolds. As Emily, it consisted of all those moments when he threatened her and her team, he kidnapped her, tortured her, nearly killed her…

As Lauren she was able to saw his more… Humane side.

Lauren was his girlfriend. Lauren lived with him,

Lauren shared her joys and fears with him. Lauren loved him.

But that was Lauren.

She wasn’t real. An identity, that’s all that she was.

And even though Emily tried to convince herself that Lauren’s feelings were perfectly compartmentalized away from her own, deep down she knew she was lying to herself.

Was Doyle ever somebody she actually loved?

She definitely despised him, but it felt like now she was obligated to despise even her own self for ever having feelings for this monster. Positive ones anyway.

Right now, Emily Prentiss was dead.

She, however, was on a plane to Paris.

It was all coordinated by Hotchner and JJ.

Nobody else knew.

Her team, her friends, her loved ones were about to attend her funeral in a few days.

She imagined confused look on Spencer’s face, Garcia’s eyes filled with tears, Morgan frowning and looking away. Would Rossi be sad, or would he finally feel relieved to be ridded of her impulsiveness and comments on literally everything?

She imagined her mother, who obviously was not on it, throwing a pile of soil on the coffin. That would not hold her body inside. Would she cry? Would she stay composed even at a funeral of her only child? Well, again, it wasn’t real real, but she wouldn’t be able to realize that.

For some reason, she figured JJ would’ve taken it upon herself to feel guilty, despite knowing what was going on.

They both knew it was the only way to make it all work.

Emily worried about everyone, but there were two people she worried about the most. Spencer and Penelope.

They both were incredibly strong, but she couldn’t be sure how would they deal with this.

She worried, since Reid did not cope well with losing authorities. And even if he would never admit it to her face, she knew that he looked up to her.

The thought of that made her feel the bile appear on the back of her throat.

That kid has lost so many people already… And he internalized all that, it had to be weighing on him every single day. It felt cruel to add another person to that list.

She had to keep thinking about the bigger picture to even remotely be able to deal with all that.

Now Garcia was somebody that Emily truly loved.

It was hard to imagine her being sad over her „death”.

Not because of the probability of the blonde being sad,

rather the severity of her grieving, Emily would imagine.

Penelope was one of those people who were able to feel so much, maybe even too much sometimes.

And on a daily basis it was wonderful. That’s what’s made her such an incredible, empathetic human being, who, despite their job, was still able to not only - be cheerful, but to cheer others up as well.

When she thought of that, it felt as if her heart could break to million pieces.

It was strange, how in that moment she should still feel the pain;

They’ve stabilized her after the surgery, but there were still bruises on her face, stitches across her abdomen, burnt skin on her chest. And she did feel it, but it was blurred, far away.

The feeling that made her grasp reality to the point of hyperawareness was the emotional pain.

Somehow she was able to compare it to the pain of being staked.

She still wasn’t sure what was a proper emotional response in that situation.

It wasn’t in the manual, or in training, despite people having to go… Well, faking your own death was like going undercover, in a way.

Both at the Interpol and the FBI, nobody taught her how to feel, while pretending to be dead.

She knew how to make it happen technically, more or less. After all, Lauren had already died. Her old team, JTF-12, was able to pull that off those several years ago. Including her of course.

But that was Lauren. An identity, which, sure, she’s been tied to for quite some time, living as her, acting like her, becoming her in a way.

Still, just an identity.

Right now, there wasn’t a disguise, an identity to toss away, allowing her to come back to her regular life.

Right now her regular life was supposed to cease to exist.

Before, she thought about her goal and the fact, that she survived. She was grateful, in some way she felt obligated to take care of Declan and she wouldn't be able to do that, if she was actually dead, right?

Even though she knew that she had no right to feel attached to the boy as much as she did, she just couldn’t help it. The image of him as a toddler, walking around the room in Doyle’s house stuck in her head. She couldn’t shake it off. And even before Doyle found her, that image caused her to have problems with falling asleep from time to time.

Emily never seriously thought of herself becoming a mother, for that role to be the main purpose of her life. She was afraid of screwing her potential children up, because she knew that even if she meant well, it wouldn’t guarantee them turning out okay. And her line of work made it impossible to both realistically approach the idea of maternity - she didn’t have a partner and if she were to be a single mother - it would be impossible to keep up with the BAU - that job was just too demanding; but also she saw so many downright evil, just unimaginable things that people were capable of doing to one another. How could she ever be able to shield a child from that?

Suddenly, all these ridiculous, small things that she wouldn’t think twice about made her feel as if each and every part of her life was just slipping through her fingers, right there, right then.

That one window in her apartment, the one with the wide windowsill, she loved to sit on it and watch the sky. Sergio would curl up in her lap or right next to her, on the windowsill, quietly purring, when she would pet his black fur. It didn’t happen often, because most nights she'd come home so exhausted, all she could basically do was just pass out on her bed. And Sergio would sleep on a pillow right next to her, despite Emily's promises to herself that she will teach him to stop, because she'd wake up covered in his fur with a runny nose.

But when she had a chance to do that, it made her mind stop racing, at least for a few minutes. That barely ever happened anywhere else.

Now she realized that Sergio was alone in her apartment and she panicked. But just for a second, because then she remembered JJ in the hospital, telling her that Penelope took him in. Of course she did. He'd definitely be surrounded with love. She wished she could've just taken him with her though, since she's already been missing him. Silly little fur ball, making her fall in love with him gradually. Penelope wouldn't be able to resist his charm for sure, she thought to herself, smiling. Still, she felt really sad.

Emily realized that she’s left so many things behind.

She didn’t think of herself as someone intensively attached to material possessions, but all these had a sentimental value for her and that was the only thing that mattered.

The thoughts invading her head were random, coming to her without any particular sense or order, falling on her mind like an avalanche.

And she thought about that crumpled up picture, capturing her with her friends when she was a teenager, back in Rome.

A cross, that her mother gave her on her first communion. She wasn’t ever really wearing it, but she liked knowing that it was safely tucked away in one of the drawers in her closet. It brought her some strange kind of comfort.

A box with letters she’d exchange with her father when she was a kid, because even though they moved around together as a family, he still would have assignments all around the world. So he would leave for a single weekend, or for several months at a time. No matter how long or short was he leaving for, he’d always try and send her a postcard, hence the collection of them, both from huge cities in Europe and Asia and tiny places she’s never even heard of before in America or Australia.

Maybe she wasn’t going through this box ritually on some settled schedule, but every once in a while she would look at those tacky pictures of touristy little towns, as well as simple, beautiful pictures of great historical monuments or watercolored landscapes of picturesque countrysides. And they'd make the corners of her lips rise up just a tiny bit.

All that with a couple words reading simple greetings, scribbled in a hurry, in her dad’s small, not exactly neat handwriting, on the back of each and every one of them.

„Love you, Dad” summed up every single message.

And looking at those words made her feel warmth, both now and when she was a little girl. Her father wasn’t very talkative and he rarely told her he loved her unprompted. So she got used to reading these words, instead of hearing them from him.

She cherished these postcards and anytime she’d go through them, she noticed some kind of feeling spread throughout her body, that felt like pure joy, but also love and safety.

Kurt Vonnegut’s "Sirens of Titan".

Morgan lent it to her a few months ago.

The book was by her bed, bookmarked with some crumpled receipt for groceries she’d found at the bottom of her purse, when she'd had to suddenly break away from Rumfoord and Kazak on the jet.

She’s read it before, truth be told, (in Italian and back in the ’80s), but Morgan insisted that she just had to read the original version. And even though there was a stack of books she wanted to read going back at least two years sitting on her bedroom floor, dangerously leaning against the radiator, the day she brought it home, she placed the Sirens on the very top of her bedside table, instead of the stack.

She’d imagine Morgan would appreciate that gesture.

Morgan, her partner.

Morgan, who held her before she passed out.

Morgan, who always had her back.

And she tried to do the same for him in the field.

He’s saved her ass countless times.

Emily wished she could have had his back right now.

She realized with a paralyzing fear that it could last forever.

Doyle could lay low, undetected for years.

Would it keep Morgan up at night?

Would he blame himself, wondering?

If he'd gotten to her seconds earlier, if he had only ran faster, if he’d found her sooner, would it change anything?

Thinking about that made her fists clench suddenly.

If she had any fingernails left, they would surely dig into the skin of her palms very painfully right now.

Emily felt this overwhelming guilt filling her chest, making her throat feel as if it was closing, her teeth grit.

She felt like she couldn’t breathe, as if the jet’s cabin had become decompressed and she couldn't reach the oxygen mask.

"You’re doing okay?"

She heard the soft and calming voice of her only companion on this flight, naturally besides the pilot.

JJ was looking at her with those big, worried, blue eyes and even though Emily’s first instinct was to nod, as she did just that, she felt her eyes watering.

"I can't stand the thought of all of them grieving over a lie."

She mumbled out.

"Emily, you know that this is the only way. We’d never make them go through this, if there were any other options. They will understand."

JJ’s voice became more firm with the last sentence, she was obviously in a mind space reserved for dealing with crisis.

"I really thought that was it, you know?"

Emily asked, a little startled at the sound of her own voice.

She couldn’t recall the last time she’s held an actual conversation with another person, one that wouldn’t consist of barely understandable mumbling as a form of communication on her end.

"There came that point, where the pain went away, I guess I went into shock. I heard Morgan’s voice and I wanted to keep my eyes open like he told me to so bad, but I just couldn’t. I felt like I was slipping away and it felt so… Easy. I wasn’t scared at all. I… I knew you guys would take care of Declan, if I wasn’t around. And that all of you would be okay."

She said, trying to piece together everything that happened.

"And apparently I've coded in the ambulance? I had no idea, but some glimpses are coming back to me, slowly. But it was like I’d fallen asleep."

She added, her face reflecting her mind in a state of deep contemplation.

Her thoughts were interrupted by JJ’s voice.

"Thank God, you didn’t…"

Emily only now noticed that with every word that she spoke, JJ’s eyes became more and more glossy. She frowned.

"Hey, I’m here."

She leaned in and smiled faintly.

"Its gonna take way more than some branding and a little stake for you to get rid of me."

JJ laughed, wiping the tears away, before they had a chance to flow down her cheeks.

"Why would I ever want to get rid of you?"

Blonde asked, her voice now soft, her expression puzzled.

Emily felt something strange in her chest.

At first her brain assumed it had to be her burnt skin and damaged nerve endings, but no.

It felt nice, it wasn’t painful.

That warmth, spilling around her insides.

She didn’t have a witty comeback to her question. She wanted to think it was because of the meds making her hazy, but she wasn’t sure anymore. She just looked down at her chest and frowned again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The first thing I’m doing, when we get to Paris is having this removed."

She heard her own voice.

"How could a brand hurt more than getting staked?"

"Maybe it’s a psychosomatic itch you’re scratching? The brand left an emotional toll, Doyle established dominance over you by marking you as his, a stake… I mean you overcame death. The ultimate victory over your foe. Why suffer a pain you’re proud of?"

JJ wondered, actually trying to analyze all that. She looked at her, now amused.

"Or you could always get another tattoo."

Emily laughed at that. JJ continued.

"You know, something transformative? Like a… A phoenix. Or a blackbird."

"I love the song."

Emily said.

"But something tells me, I shouldn’t tread in your waters."

JJ looked at her with a questioning look.

"Come on, JJ. Something’s obviously different about you. You commandeered an Interpol jet. You’re profiling me."

JJ looked down and sighed. Emily continued.

"Why didn’t you say your transfer was a backstop?"

At that JJ’s expression turned to a confused one, indicating that what the other woman said was the truth.

"Oh, I know that look. The 'I can’t trust anyone, but myself' look. I invented it."

Emily added, trying to make it sound funny, but ultimately, it still came out serious, because it was true. JJ smiled at her slightly, but she looked sad.

"Do you ever feel like you’re in way over your head?" Emily nodded, wanting her to continue.

"I got assigned to an information hunt. Instead, I am chasing an unsub, who killed my informant."

"What would Hotch tell you to do?" Emily asked without hesitation. That’s how she found her way around during any investigation, ever since she joined the BAU.

"Focus on victimology, let behavior lead the way…"

JJ listed out loud.

"Exactly. Who did your unsub kill?"

"The one person I was getting through to."

"Why?"

Emily continued with her questions, seeing that they initiated JJ’s thought process.

"Because I was getting through to…" JJ said, frowning.

"I was getting through to her. What if she was about to expose her killer? Someone on the inside…"

Emily could tell that JJ needed somebody else to look at her situation and see it in from a different angle. JJ got really pensive, her eyes glued to some nonexistent point in space.

"It sounds like it's time for you to be the blackbird and flip the script." Emily said slowly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I guess it does." JJ said with a tiny smile, before getting up.

"Hey, why won’t you try and sleep at least a while? We won’t be landing for several hours, so…"

"Right. You should try and sleep too. I’ve been in a coma, so I caught some Zs, when you think about it. Medically induced ones, but still. You on the other hand must be exhausted."

Emily’s face was covered in grey, purple and yellow spots, but JJ’s face, even though not bruised, still indicated that she had a rough couple of days. She had bags under her eyes, her cheeks pale, instead of slightly flushed like they normally were, her face tired.

They both looked quite miserable.

JJ just smiled in response, but her eyes weren’t a part of that smile. Her eyes stayed sad.

She walked to another seat, so she could try and lie down.

Emily wanted to let JJ rest, because she suspected that by suggesting sleeping, she actually had an excuse to take a nap herself, even if it was supposed to last only few minutes. She deserved a good night sleep, Emily thought to herself, watching the blonde struggling to find a comfortable position. When she eventually succeeded, Prentiss leaned back in her own seat, looking out the window. Her chest was still burning, but she wouldn’t even flinch. Her eyes, almost independently from her will, landed on the other woman every couple of minutes. She watched JJ’s chest move rhythmically, until her breathing became really deep and really steady and she was without a doubt asleep.

She knows what’s happening,

Emily thought to herself.

And so does Hotchner.

Yet, they’re going to have to look at the rest being in pain and they’re going to have to pretend that they’re going through the same thing.

And when she thought about Hotch, it wasn’t that hard to imagine.

He would keep himself perfectly composed in pretty much any situation she ever saw him in.

He was able to calculate his next move without showing as much as a microexpression.

It could be a little unsettling sometimes, but then again when he was surrounded by his family, when he was with Jack, he would expose this softer and loving side of himself. Just a bit. It was quite the view.

Emily had no doubt that he was a good father. And a good man.

He really was great at planning, thinking ahead like no one else;

he had his way of smoothly dealing with issues that inevitably came up during their investigations.

All those things made him an incredible section chief.

Emily was certain that she could trust him with her life. And she did.

It would be hard for anyone to keep such a burdening secret from people you are constantly around.

Eventually, you could start believing the lie, but that also took dedication. It was even harder when you had to lie to people that were actually a part of your life, people that you were close to.

It’s one thing to be undercover and to keep a secret from people you’re trying to infiltrate. During such operations it felt justified to do that, choosing the lesser evil, the end justify the means and all that.

It’s a completely different thing to do that to your friends and family.

"The secret to getting away with lying is believing with all your heart. That goes for lying to yourself even more so than lying to another."

A quote by the author Elizabeth Bear, that she's memorized from reading her New Amsterdam series more than once. She was repeating it in her mind, not being able to stop.

She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath in. She knew that they made the right call. Still, it was just devastating, thinking what they voluntarily sentenced themselves to.

She tried to calm herself down with proper breathing. It helped.

Emily finally decided to try to sleep. She thought that since she was still medicated, she’d pass out easily, but that didn’t happen.

Every time she closed her eyes, she saw faces of her team members. She felt like her chest was being crushed. Breathing didn't really help.

After what felt like forever of forcing herself to fall asleep without any luck, she opened her eyes and just kept them open. She focused her gaze on what was behind the window.

The clouds, barely visible in the navy skies.

She didn’t do it on purpose, but she realized that she started to dissociate.

And she let herself do it.

The numbness felt better than the stinging guilt.

She didn’t really register it, but tears left her eyes, falling on her lashes and cheeks, as her deep, dark eyes focused on the navy color in front of her, forty thousand feet above the ground.

She couldn’t tell how long it took, but only JJ’s turning in her sleep, simultaneously throwing a bag off the seat made Emily come back to reality. Blonde didn’t wake up. She looked really peaceful.

She thought about not seeing her for God knows how long. It stung, to a point of her gasping. Afraid, that maybe that could’ve woken her up, Emily wiped her tears away, but JJ’s eyes stayed closed. And these intrusive thoughts came back to roam inside her head.

Sure, JJ wouldn’t be with the BAU now, since she’s had that informant operation, but no doubt, she would still see them. They were a huge part of her life after all.

Emily watched her face, calm and soft, imaging it twisted in pain and grief, having to pretend one of their own was dead.

In her mind, JJ was one of the strongest people she knew. She was persistent, hardworking and incredibly professional, but she was also kind, nurturing and very loyal.

What she was doing for her at this very moment proved it perfectly.

She knew that JJ accepted her part in this plan on her own and if she were to start trying to talk her out of it (never mind that it was also too late for that at this point), she wouldn’t change her mind. To be fair, if they switched places, she would do the same for JJ, but still, she couldn’t stop worrying about the woman sleeping on a seat across from her.

Emily watched her friend and it brought her some sort of comfort, a feeling of safety.

She finally dozed off, trying not to think, but focused on JJ’s steady breathing instead.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Emily, we’ll be landing in about an hour."

She heard, opening her eyes, and she saw JJ standing in front of her, one of her hands on her shoulder.

"I thought you’d like to change before the transfer."

Emily’s hand landed on top of hers, holding both of them on her shoulder.

"Oh, right. Thank you, I…" she looked down at their hands, trying to focus. "We’ll have to say goodbye soon, right?" she blurted out, looking back at her face.

JJ sighed and sat down right next to her, not taking her hand away, but instead, intertwining their fingers and resting both their hands in Emily’s lap.

"Well, it seems so."

She smiled, but her eyes were reddened, filling with tears once again.

Emily’s gaze was glued to their hands, watching JJ’s wrist and fingers, so delicate right now, but perfectly capable of throwing a good punch. Her eyes stopped at the ring on her finger; Henry’s birthstone. She felt that strange feeling again, that warmth spreading throughout her body.

"It’s not going to last forever. We will find Doyle."

JJ mumbled out and Emily held her breath.

"I know, but… I will miss you so much."

Emily said, before instinctually putting her arms around blonde’s waist, to which she responded with wrapping her arms around her neck. JJ tried to be gentle, because of Emily’s condition, but brunette only held her tighter.

They were so close right now, that she could hear the other woman’s heartbeat. It was slightly elevated.

JJ pulled back just a little, so she could look at her face.

"I will miss you as well." she whispered, their eyes laid on each other.

JJ said the next sentence so quietly, that Emily could barely hear it.

"You’re very special to me, you know that?"

Emily wouldn’t be able to logically explain why she did what she did next, but somehow her hands ended up on both sides of JJ’s face and she leaned in, placing her lips on blonde’s ones.

She wasn’t thinking, but as she kissed her, the other woman immediately kissed her back. Emily felt soft palms cupping her face, her eyes closed. That kiss was filled with so much pain and longing and some kind of desperation.

But it made her whole body fill up with that warmth.

Emily wasn’t even sure what that was, so she tried to be gentle. She ended up kissing JJ in a somewhat shy manner, yet the other agent was deepening the kiss with each second, making it more and more passionate. Emily felt her back hitting the wall and a moan left her throat, captured by the kiss. JJ reacted by slowing down, moving her fingers across her face, running them through her hair. Emily was still cupping JJ’s face, her skin felt so soft and warm under her fingers when she brushed them across her cheeks. Their tongues slowly swirling around one another, this time Emily caused JJ to gasp, as she bit her lower lip. She responded with kissing brunette even more eagerly, so Emily brushed her fingers along her neck, resting them on her shoulders. One of her hands was caressing the skin covering JJ’s collarbone. At that she sighed, barely audibly, but Emily caught it. Her fingers moved towards the skin covering her breastbone.

JJ suddenly pulled back and broke the kiss, leaving both of them breathing heavily, blood flowing through their cheeks and lips.

Emily placed her hands back on JJ’s shoulders, she didn’t mean to make her feel uncomfortable.

Finally, after what felt like forever, she broke the silence.

"JJ, I…" she didn’t even know what to say. It wasn’t right. She had a loving husband, a family. She didn’t mean to ruin it for her.

"We don’t have to talk about this." she said quickly and Emily felt strange. She took her hands off of her shoulders and leaned back, so there was space between them.

"I… Dont… Look, if we won’t see each other for…"

She started, but her voice broke, when she realized what expression showed up on JJ’s face.

Regret.

Emily felt so many contradicting things in that moment, that she basically froze. JJ was looking away.

"You went through something traumatic, we all did. It’s only natural to crave human contact then. And it can present itself in many different ways. It doesn’t mean anything. It’s fine."

"JJ, it means… It means everything for me."

Emily choked out, placing her hand on top of blonde’s. JJ turned her hand, so she could squeeze Emily’s one between her fingers.

She smiled looking at their hands, but only for a fraction of a second. And then she took her hand away, only to look Emily straight in her eyes. She seemed sad, but also… Agitated.

"I can’t give you what you want, Emily." she said quickly, getting up.

"There’s too many reasons why. And… You have to leave."

JJ stated, sort of matter-of-factly.

Emily couldn’t really comprehend what just happened. But all of the pain, both physical and mental suddenly came back, not dimmed anymore.

This was… This wasn’t the time for this. Come on, Emily, it’s time to compartmentalize again. You used to be so good at this!

Well, before joining the team anyway.

"We’re landing in 15. You have to change, definitely cover up these bruises at least a bit." JJ continued talking, her voice morphing back to that task-oriented tone. She was taking clothes and makeup out of the bags, handing the items to her. "Hurry."

Emily felt like she couldn’t move, but she forced herself to get up and do what she needed to. They weren’t looking at each other and even though she wanted to scream, she kept perfectly quiet.

Compartmentalize. It’s not the time. It didn’t mean anything.

They landed and after JJ made sure that the right person was waiting outside to drive Emily to a safehouse, she stood in front of her and hugged her. Emily wasn’t really expecting that right now, since the atmosphere was so tense.

"I will miss you, no matter what." JJ whispered and even though Emily was so stunned from the pain and all around confused, she knew they couldn’t part without a proper goodbye.

"Thank you, for everything. Take care of them." Emily said and she embraced her tightly, one last time. Emily wanted to say that she’ll miss her like crazy, but it felt both like too much and not enough.

She didn’t want to let them turn this into a final goodbye.

"Of course. I will see you soon, okay?" JJ smiled and Emily smiled back. It wasn’t the best forced smile, but she just couldn’t do better in that moment.

"Goodbye, Jennifer." she said sounding way too official, taking a first step out.

"Goodbye, Emily."

Prentiss turned away and quickly made her way to the parked car.

She saw JJ’s face one last time through the tiny window.

The car left the landing strip and disappeared in the night.

„Goodbye, Emily.” she thought to herself, as she caught her own reflection in the side mirror.

„Goodbye, Emily.”

JJ whispered, placing a red rose on the coffin.

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pepperpills · 3 years ago

Text

The Harvest - RE8 Fanfic

The Harvest

A Resident Evil 8 fan fiction by Joana

Karl Heisenberg x Female Reader

Notes: heey, so here is Part III, hope you all enjoy it! i'm thinking of starting a new story soon, once this is ended, probably focusing more on world building and Karl and reader relationship hehe

Warning: NSFW content

Part I - Destiny (1) Part I - Destiny (2) Part II - The Lord

Part III – The Hunt

Getting to know the factory turned out to be a fantastic experience. You had never seem so many different paraphernalia in your live, the closer you had ever got to that was when you were a child poking around your dad’s storeroom, but there were only some tools, agriculture products and inherited ornaments from your cabin family – these last ones were your absolute favourite.

Heisenberg’s factory, on the other hand, was full of interesting things, some of them you had no idea what were used for. You even found a suspicious “torture” room, but couldn’t dig into it, once he was nearby. Still, you found his journals narrating his experiments, his audio reports and some guide books on mechanics that had you intrigued for a long time while reading them. He was a madman, you were convinced, but at the same time, that secluded part of you was growing a little each day you explored his life.

Lord Heisenberg was nicer and quieter than you would imagine. He basically lived in his various offices across the factory, mostly he would be trying new mechanisms on bodies and seeing how they reacted with the Cadou, the strange parasite the villagers mentioned only on rare and veiled conversations. As far as it wasn’t you, or your family, lying cold on one of the stretchers, you didn’t care. As a matter of fact, you felt tempted to try some things with the gears yourself as you deepen your studies in his books.

At your first days there, you got worried you would have to share the bed with him, which would be much more proximity than you had ever had with another person. The man had already seen your half naked and that was enough. However, he didn’t sleep there with you and you wondered why, once he so enthusiastically mocked you about it when you arrived. Actually, you started doubting he ever slept at all.

You were still a bit scared, though, never knowing if he would play a prank on you, so you were very careful to avoid him for a while - that didn’t endure –, believing you should give him space to get used to your presence after the mood he got into after your reception.

He was disturbed, indeed. His work was getting closer to a crucial point that involved Mother Miranda. He musted be discreet, but it was proving to be a real trial with Soldats activating and running around as lost beasts. Also, having you around actually gave him a new problem.

Lord Heisenberg would walk around the factory looking for material, testing the Soldats and cursing a lot, some of these swearwords you didn’t even know, but started liking how he used them, almost cartoonish. It was never directed to you, of course. He acted like you weren’t there most of the time, in others, when he was more chilled, with less work to do, he asked “how is the mess at the wing, buttercup?” laughing at you blushing at his indiscreet platonic flirts.

You had to find your way around the factory. That place was a labyrinth and a map would come handy, so you drew it on some clean papers you found lying around, loving not to get lost anymore. You hadn’t been face-to-face to one of his creations yet, just saw them on the production lines on the overview of the factory and on some specific rooms. You also avoided it due to fear.

He told you where the wing to be cleaned was and you found it after an hour. It was so incredibly packed with mechanical parts that you could barely come inside to take a look. Huffing, you thought that he could solve that without moving a muscle. It made you mad, but also made you wonder what you were doing there. You cleaned it anyway, as it was your duty and used that waste to build some minor projects.

At the end of your expedient, your hands were orange because of the rusty irons you were moving all day long and you had little cuts here and there, but nothing really bad. As it was going, it wouldn’t take long for you to finish cleaning and could even decorate it for him, making it feel more like home to you too.

You were liking it there. Of course, it was dusty, grey, sometimes rusty and hot all the time, but it was also very different from everything. Once you said goodbye to the cabins, then to the Village and maybe being away from Miranda’s dominance made you feel lighter.

You found some red fabric lying around somewhere, appearing to be forgotten, made some nature sketches on blank papers and put yellow lights on the bedroom and on Karl’s soon-to-be new working room. It looked cosy. You hoped he would appreciate it when he met the reformed wing, until then, you would keep quiet not to bother him.

Though, shortly after you finished decorating the bedroom, an event destroyed your plans of avoiding Heisenberg. On your daily route to what you would now call your wing, you crossed the kitchen and found an overcoat-less Karl trying to prepare a sandwich. He had any chef’s nightmare happening in that place. There were blunt knives flying around, a metal cup chasing the kettle spilling hot coffee all over the floor as he tried to open a bottle of whiskey and, finally, hot coffee hit Heisenberg’s chest and he screamed and cursed like a sore animal.

“FUCK!” He thundered, his word echoing in the corridor where you stood.

You couldn’t ignore that scene even if you tried. You were getting tired of not talking to him, you lived together now and all your few friends were slowly becoming distant memories. You would be happy to hear his voice, something else than gears rumble, even if it was cursing your predecessors.

As a powerful person, he would try to use his powers to do simple things and do a real mess instead. You felt compelled to give him some support, maybe it was a part of your mother’s care for others that lived in you too. You entered the kitchen headstrong, holding a laugh at his misery looks. Now he was stroking his shirt with a cloth and only noticed you when you were getting around the island.

You didn’t know, however, he never “never noticed” you. He felt your presence at the corridor before you saw him and he felt ashamed of you seeing him failing at a stupid task, and so forth his reaction was to be boorish.

“What?” He asked in a rude tone.

“Just let me help.” You offered, placing your hand in the air between you two. It wasn’t really an offer, you were just being polite, you would help him one way or another, you would have your small talk, but he wouldn’t give up so easily. “Please.” You asked, making the sweeter voice you could.

He huffed and threw the wet cloth on the sink. You took another cloth from one of the drawers – you were getting used to the utensils’ places –, wet it a little with water and looked at him, your head slightly tilted to the right.

“What is it, kitten?” Heisenberg questioned, roughly playful then.

“It is your shirt.” You pointed.

“Yes, it is dirty. Weren’t you trying to help?” He started to lose patience.

“Yeah, I am. It is just… You will have to take it off.” You let it out unpretentiously, although in your mind you were revengeful.

“Oh.” He understood and immediately took it off with so much easiness you wondered how many times he did that when you were so uncertain of it at your first day.

You had never seem him shirtless. To be quite sincere, you hadn’t seen many shirtless men in your life. The Village was a very cold town, once it was deep into a forest in the mountains, so even in the summer there wasn’t a hot weather, so people tended to keep their clothes on. Because of this, when he took it off you instantly blushed at his scarred chest.

He has what you would call a dad body. It isn’t really sinewy, although still very strong with thick arms and defined muscles. He has some belly, which means he isn’t a skinny person, but he isn’t fat also. And maybe you took too long looking at him like that and feeling weird feelings you would think about later that night.

“You’re almost drooling there, buttercup.” He teased you and when you quickly, but gently, started cleaning his chest with the cloth, so you wouldn’t have to answer, he gave up a deliciously loud laugh.

You laughed with him, making him laugh even harder. You didn’t want to admit it, but you liked it, this casual connection between you two. The laugh died a gradual death and you started moving you hand on his chest, feeling its warmth below the cloth. You could almost swear his breathing was getting faster and you saw he was biting his lips, maybe because you were taking too long. You didn’t want to finish, but you both know there wasn’t much coffee on him anyway.

You put the cloth with the other one in the sink and as you watered them, you saw him going to get his shirt that had been laying on the island.

“No, no, no.” You said, taking it from his hands kind brusquely, making him confused. “I need to wash these.”

“I see.” He said, raising his hands to show he wouldn’t try again, as a peace offer that made you grin.

“I can finish your sandwich for you, it will only take a minute.” You added, embarrassed to be so bossy with him.

“I will be at my office.” He told you and left without looking back.

You thought he got mad at you because of the shirt situation. It made you sad, you started having a nice approach. To compensate you made him a really good sandwich with the meat and vegetables you found in the refrigerator. Searching for food there you considered asking him to go see the Duke and buy supplies, maybe even hunt, because you didn’t have enough provisions. Anyway, you also prepared the coffee, poured a glass of cowboy whisky – sipped one, two or three times yourself – and cleaned what was there to be cleaned. It took more than one minute, but less than teen.

You were heading to his office when you heard a muffled noise. It sounded guttural and made you shiver. Electricity running through your body, making you feel hopelessly exposed, only that countered by the alcohol it felt good. You stepped carefully as you got closer to the door. You considered not knocking, but the noise made you knock.

“Just…” He gasped. “Leave it at the door, please.” Heisenberg was painting, but he asking “please” was what made up your mind, that politeness wasn’t usual, so you did what he requested.

You wanted to be around him on that day, but chose to respect his privacy. You didn’t imagine that his mind was blowing with you, he desperately wanted to continue the kitchen talk, but couldn’t give himself the chance once he was so close to perfecting the Soldats.

To ease your thoughts, as you were no longer requested at the factory, you tested your stealth skills and slipped to the forest behind it, caring your bow and arrows determinedly.

You were familiar with that area as you have hunted all around the Village, thus, you knew where to go to find good preys. It was by the lake were the deer stopped to drink water. It was far from the factory entrance, but again, you knew exactly what you were doing. When approaching the lake, you climbed a tree and waited.

It didn’t take long until a lonely deer appeared, unsuspicious. It leaned its head so it could reach the water level and started drinking it. You positioned one arrow, held your breath and did the physics magic. The arrow nailed its left eye. It didn’t scream, it was over very quickly.

You climbed the tree down, came closer to the body and tied it with the rope you brough from the factory. Your way back wasn’t effortless, you were slower due to the extra weight and the lycans sensed its blood, their sounds were all around you. They wouldn’t hurt your, though, somehow, they knew you were with Heisenberg.

It was past four in the afternoon when you reached the factory, panting with the effort of bringing the deer. Heisenberg was poking around for something in his front yard. He noticed you just as you appeared in his peripherical vision. He walked towards you, with an intrigued expression that transformed into an impressed one when he saw the deer.

“Some gifts you have there, kitten, ain’t gonna lie.” He commented, squatting to take a good look at the animal. “How did you do that?” It was clear he didn’t mean to offend, quite the opposite, he was genuinely curious.

“A girl has her secrets.” You answered, when you finally stop panting, shrugging when internally you are fulfilled someone knew about you hunting and didn’t seem mad at you.

He wasn’t even angry you left the factory without his permission, which made you happier. He stood below you with the animal for a few seconds more, than got up on his feed, laid his hands on your shoulders, well, on your skin hunting jacket, and said “You are really something, kitten.”

You fell for his words. You never wanted to feel that dependant on someone’s appreciation for you, but with him it was lighter. Karl took the weight of the world off your shoulders by bringing you there and kind off supporting you even though you had only spent little more than a month together.

“Thank you, my lord.” You spoke.

“Stop it. Call me Karl.” He said roughly, but good hearted. “Now, do you know how to clean this deer?” Heisenberg asked.

Usually, Duke would do it for you, although you knew the theory, you hadn’t much practice.

“I was hoping you could help me with it, Karl.” You suggested, toasting him a malicious smile.

“For fuck’s sake.” But he cursed laughing.

He cleaned this table at the garage and disposed the deer there. You helped him doing the messy job, learning with him what you only saw the Duke doing. It wasn’t pretty, but you were comforted by his presence and obstinacy. He probably did it often as it showed, but didn’t bother to take it slower so he could teach you.

Heisenberg enjoyed that night more than you could imagine. He didn’t care for the Soldats, they could wait, it was nice being around you for a change, not running away from your hair, your smile, your presence. For the first time in his life, he actually had someone who wanted to be around him.

Later your prepared venison, demi-glace, potatoes, a fresh arugula salad and both of your enjoyed dinner at the kitchen island with bottles of dark beer. He was funny, he was tripping over words a little, due to the alcohol, but his stories, oh man… He was a real brat. You told him about the cabins and the hunting. He listened carefully, never judging you and laughed at your silly manners, at your etiquette and, over all, loved your cook.

He slept in the bed with you, tired, amused and drunk, he sunk in his dreams. You stayed up a bit longer, resisting your lazy eyes temptations just to appreciate his scent, it would smell like burned wood.

#resident evil #re8 #karl heisenberg #re village #karl heisenberg x reader #resident evil 8 village #heisenberg #heisendaddy #heisenberg resident evil #resident evil viii #resident evil 8 fanfic #original post #resident evil village #re8 karl heisenberg #resident evil heisenberg #fanfic #re fanfic #the harvest

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ellenoir · 4 years ago

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@doomedog and @alkalinefrog thank you both so much for asking about my baby! Of all of the Death Note characters, Near holds a very special piece of my heart. I think it's my left ventricle.

On to the soft headcanons! Requests for this are still open, so feel free to send them in!

On a side note, my Near doesn't feel much connection to gender or pronouns, they shift constantly based on immediate state of mind. Which means I will write their pronouns 'inconsistently' based on how the relevant hc makes them and me feel.

• what they smell like

The most prominent scent is the very specific, sensitive skin products they use. Milk and oatmeal based body wash, shampoo and conditioner. They also smell like unsweetened coffee from drinking so much, with an undertone of something sweetly musky that is very uniquely her, almost like old books and hot water with honey.

• what their favorite smells in the world are

They have a love/hate relationship with petrol stations, so we'll get that one out of the way first, the rest are all loved. Bedsheets on the third or fourth day on the bed, when they go from being extremely washer fresh to comfortably familiar. Raw tobacco (Watari would smoke his pipe outside the building, but Near liked the smell anyway.) Salty sea air. Peppermint or aniseed sweets. A loved ones' just removed jacket.

• what pajamas they wear/what they wear to sleep in

Near actually tends to take the bottoms off to sleep. The fabric twisting up around their legs is uncomfortable, and if it happens during sleep it can affect their dreams. They sleep in an oversized pajama top and briefs/panties, whichever one they're feeling more at the time.

• my favorite ship (if applicable) and a cute hc about them

I will ship Near with just about anyone. Mostly because I just kinda like DN turning into a big old poly puddle (thanks @resilicns for turning me onto this path lmao). Let's go SuteNia because I've been feeling their chemistry a LOT lately.

Don't get me wrong, Near likes to be held in bed as much as the next tiny. Stephen's arms help her quiet the overactive ramblings inside her skull. But I'll let you in on a little secret. They both love it best when Near is the one holding Stephen, her chin in his hair and his nose buried somewhere around his collarbone. They show each other their vulnerabilities more than anything then. Stephen shows that he's not always composed and strong, and Near shows just how much she needs him in her life. In their bed, that's their most precious moment.

• my favorite friendship (if applicable) and a cute hc about them

Okay so I love the idea of Near having quite a bit more respect for Misa than anyone else. Why? YOTSUBA👏ARC👏POWERHOUSE👏 (he also respects Matsuda even if he would advise him not to run into the building like that). Looking back on how Misa was caught, it was by sheer chance. A single strand of dyed blonde hair falling on the VHS tapes and being sealed inside the envelopes? That was an absolutely miniscule oversight that honestly impressed him greatly.

As for a cute hc? Misa and Near bond over the movie Labyrinth by Jim Henson. Near is absolutely enamored with the incredible puppets and costumes in the movie. Misa straight up loves David Bowie. Misa will sing along with Dance Magic Dance, loud and clear, and dance all around the room as it plays until Near can't help but start to sing and sway along. Misa holds out her hands, knowing not to touch without permission - and Near actually reaches out and takes them, lets her pull him up and start to dance!

• a song that reminds me of them

Hrrmmmm... Hollow and Sorry About Your Parents by Icon for Hire, weirdly enough Sober by P!nk, and Teeth on a String by Stick and Poke. Yeah, all of these songs are sad, and TW for undertones of an abusive relationship on the last one. If I had to pick a nice song for Near... Oh, I know! The Show by Lenka!

• what animal i think they would be if they were an animal

Cat. Easy pick. Near likes to do things on their own terms and their own schedule and does not care much for how other people want them to behave at each moment. However, they love deeply and fiercely and will tolerate a surprising amount of annoying behaviour from someone who is in their pack (my beagle can almost jump on one of my cats and he adores her, despite him being skittish and not hesitating to swat when he's sick of paws almost squashing him). Enjoy to simply sit in the presence of a loved one and do their own thing compared to constant need for direct conversation and interaction. Will hiss, growl and swat when displeased and does not suffer fools gladly.

• what position they sleep in

Loosely curled on her right side, grabbing the pillow and pulling it down towards her front, under a heavy weighted blanket. Near has her hands gently curled in front of her, somewhere between her breastbone and nose. Her legs fold up beneath her, her right leg a little bit tighter to keep her balance as the left leg falls on top. At one point, she looks at body pillows and finds the full wrap around designs. Its love at first sight. She gets one delivered and almost immediately drops off the first time she pairs it with her beloved heavy blanket

• their favorite drink

They subsist on large amounts of coffee (small amounts of milk to offset the bitterness), but its not quite their favourite. Near loves boba! Honeydew, almond, matcha and the classic are her top choices.

• a gift i would give them if i could

What do you give someone with everything...? I would like... If they accept it? Companionship. The fact that Near keeps working with Halle, Rester and Gevanni even years later makes me think they would like some sort of reliable, consistent company. They do have a sort of loneliness that they have to endure, the kind that comes from being the strange one, the out of place one, the one who has trouble connecting to people.

I'm not sure if I could think of anything else. Maybe make them a drawing, or find them some interesting or intricate toys they might like.

#headcanons #death note headcanons #dn #death note #near #nate river

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starring-movies · 4 years ago

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The Haunting of Bly Manor: Episode Analysis

*SPOILERS*

Episode 3 - The Two Faces, Part One

Episode 3 begins by starting to help us to fill in the backstory of who Peter Quint and Rebecca Jessel were. The episode starts one year ago and we’re first introduced to Peter as he stares at his reflection in the window of an expensive men’s clothing shop, Kensington Tailors, where he is picking up a shirt for his boss, Henry Wingrave. From this very first shot of Peter, it’s immediately established that he’s ambitious (as he’s imagining himself in Henry’s position, wearing suits from the expensive shop that Henry gets his clothes from), but also that he’s narcissistic.

The song ‘Tainted Love’ by Soft Cell plays during this scene. The lyrics that we here are:

“Sometimes I feel I’ve got to,

Run away I’ve got to,

Get away,

From the pain you drive into the heart of me,

The love we share,

Seems to go nowhere,

And I’ve lost my light,

For I toss and turn I can’t sleep at night,

Once I ran to you (I ran),

Now, I’ll run from you,

This tainted love you’ve given,

I give you all a boy could give you,

Take my tears and that’s not nearly all,

Tainted love”

The lyrics of the song that we hear foreshadows Peter and Rebecca’s sad and toxic relationship that will come. “Tainted love” is definitely an appropriate phrase to describe Peter and Rebecca’s relationship. Where Rebecca once “ran to [Peter]”, she now wants to “run from [him]” after he betrayed her trust - Peter drowned Rebecca and so now she can’t escape and just like the singer of the song she is suffering from “the pain you drive into the heart of me”.

When we’re first introduced to Rebecca we see her looking at her reflection in a compact mirror, as she waits in Henry’s waiting room to have her interview for the au pair job. Through this first shot of Rebecca we can see that her beauty is important to her and that she wants to make a good impression. This makes Peter’s killing of her even more tragic as she holds her beauty as important to her, so he did not only take her life from her but also her body.

While driving up to the manor, as the car drives down the drive, in the foreground of the shot we see a white rose with thorns on it. This rose alludes to Peter and Rebecca’s relationship, just as the song ‘Tainted Love’ did. On the outside their love looks like it will be beautiful and pure, but it will also cause pain. In a similar vein, the rose also portrays Peter as a character - beautiful on the outside but someone who will hurt you if you get too close.

On her arrival at Bly Manor, Rebecca tells Flora and Miles that she’s not “practically perfect” like their “very own Mary Poppins”, but rather that she is “perfectly splendid”. From this we learn that the reason why Flora was describing everything as being “perfectly splendid” in Episode 1 (and subsequently), is because of this first meeting with Rebecca.

Flora’s use of the phrase shows us how much she loved Rebecca and how much of an impact Rebecca had on her as a new mother figure of sorts. This is one of the things that makes Rebecca’s death so sad, because Flora had such a bond with her new motherly figure and she was the unfortunate one who first found Rebecca dead in the lake - so by using the phrase that Rebecca used, Flora is able to keep a bit of her with her all the time.

A small detail to notice; is that the lighter that Peter uses and lets Miles play with, is the lighter that Luke, also played by Oliver Jackson-Cohen, uses in The Haunting of Hill House.

After bringing the flowers for Flora/Rebecca, Peter explains to Miles that you have to find out which ‘key’ (thing to please a person) is the right fit, in order to open the door to them. This is not only the explanation for why Miles said that he was trying to find Father Stack’s ‘key’ in episode 2, but it is also a reference to the theme of keys in The Haunting of Hill House.

In Hill House the members of the family were trying to look for the right key to open the door to The Red Room, but it is later revealed that the individual themself is the key to the door, and that the room puts on different ‘faces’ to placate its current inhabitant. In the same way as The Red Room, Peter employs different tactics (flowers for Rebecca; alcohol, flattery and money for Henry Wingrave) in order to win favour from them and he consumes Rebecca just like how The Red Room was slowly consuming whoever was inhabiting it.

While Owen, Hannah, Jamie, Dani and the children are staying up in case Peter returns, Dani and Jamie have a conversation about possession and love. Jamie begins the conversation by again ‘testing the water’ with Dani, as she asks her if she wished that she was curled up with Owen instead of Hannah. In Episode 2 Jamie questioned Owen to find out if he was interested in Dani (which he wasn’t); and now Jamie is similarly trying to find out if Dani has any interest in Owen. Jamie presumably does this because if she finds out that Dani is interested in Owen, then she thinks that she will have no chance of pursuing her and might as well give up before she even tries.

The conversation moves on to “love and possession” and Dani tells Jamie “I don’t think that should be possible. I mean, they’re opposites really, love and ownership”. This one little thing that Dani says to Jamie foreshadows the fate of their relationship. When Dani and Jamie leave Bly Manor to go and live in Vermont and start a proper relationship together, they both started the relationship knowing that they were never a possession belonging to the other. Since The Lady of the Lake took some possession of Dani, her and Jamie always knew that they were on borrowed time and whether they wanted to admit it or not, that they’d have to let each other go at some point.

In Episode 9 when Jamie goes back to Bly and finds Dani’s body in the lake, she even invites Dani into her and begs for her to “take me with you”. However, Older Jamie says that “Dani wouldn’t, Dani would never”, because Dani knows the difference between love and possession and she could never allow Jamie to invite her in because that’s not love.

This also strikes a stark contrast between Dani and Peter’s love. Dani’s love with JAmie was a real and pure love, as she wouldn’t allow Jamie to be possessed by her. However Peter’s love with Rebecca was a possessive love, as he abused the trust that Rebecca gave him and drowned her body so that she would also become a ghost and be with him.

Hannah then wakes up and says that the children really ought to be in bed, and when Miles wakes up he says that he “had a bad dream” where he “hurt” Hannah. This “bad dream” isn’t a dream but it’s Miles vaguely remembering Peter pushing Hannah down the well, when Peter was in possession over Miles’ body. This tells us that the owner of the body does have some partial recollection of what the possessor was doing with their body.

When Dani goes to bed, the severed hand that she sees on her bed after spotting Eddie’s glasses on her bedside table is not just any hand, but it’s Eddie’s (we can see it’s his hand from the watch and blood we see on his hand in Episode 4). Eddie’s severed hand is also an indication that Dani’s feelings towards Jamie are getting stronger, because as her feelings for Jamie get stronger, so does her guilt over Eddie’s death and coming to terms with her sexuality.

When Dani comes downstairs the next morning, we get a shot of her watching over Jamie as realises that stayed on the sofa in the manor for the night. If we view Dani’s hand on Jamie’s shoulder (at the very end of Episode 9) as Dani watching over Jamie in some sort of way, then this moment is another sweet (but sad) foreshadowing of the quiet and caring watchfulness that Dani will give Jamie for the rest of her life.

Back in the past timeline, Flora gifts Rebecca the doll that she said she would make for her. Rebecca had previously told Flora that “I like all the colours” and so Flora said that she’d make her a doll with “all the colours”. When giving Rebecca the doll, Flora tells Rebecca that “Miles says that if you mix all the colours in the world together, you get black”. It may be a stretch, but as the dolls have a very intertwined relationship with the people they are made for, this might be a forewarning of Rebecca’s own fate.

Before coming to Bly, Rebecca had everything going for her and her future was incredibly bright, just as Hannah says in Episode 4, “she was brilliant, she was beautiful”. However, after meeting Peter Quint, her future becomes dark after he ruins any chance at a good future that she once had after he drowns her. So, in the same way as “you get black” from mixing all the vibrant colours in the world, Rebecca’s future also becomes black when she once had such a bright future.

Retuning to the present, Miles and Flora gather everyone to come and watch their ‘story time’, which Owen tells Dani is “like therapy for them” and to make sure Flora (and presumably Miles also) has “processed whatever she’s been chewing on”. Miles tells the story of a puppet named Poppet, who we can assume from the story itself and Miles’ costume/makeup, is a pseudonym for Miles himself.

In the story, Miles tells his audience how Poppet’s creator, Claude (who we can assume is Peter), got angry at the puppet for forgetting who his maker was and forgetting that he had strings. This could be Miles processing Peter’s controlling nature as the ‘puppet master’ over Miles, who “pulled on their strings” (takes control of Miles’ body) whenever he pleases, which “hurt[s]” him.

Finally, the episode ends with Owen and Jamie going home after Owen’s neighbour, Mr McQueeny, rings to tell him that his mother has died. Dani walks Jamie to her car and tells her that she’s “so glad you stayed”, a small compliment as a way for her to ease-in to try to tell Jamie how she feels about her. But Dani telling Jamie that she’s “so glad” is only an insignificant drop in the ocean of the emotions that she’s feeling.

Finding that her words aren’t a sufficient enough way for her to articulate her feelings, without a word Dani tentatively reaches out to hold Jamie’s hand, breaking the physical barrier between them which has not yet been broken - and more than likely a barrier that Dani hasn’t ventured to cross with anyone since Eddie’s, never mind doing so for the first time of her acting on her sexuality. With only a simple touch and a heartfelt look, Dani is able to convey more of her feelings than she ever would have if she’d tried to use words to explain how she felt.

After Jamie leaves, Dani sees Eddie’s spectre once again. Except for perhaps the severed hand, which isn’t quite the same as the spectre, the spectre of Eddie that we see in this scene is the most aggressive vision of Dani’s Eddie-related-guilt that we’ve seen.

Firstly, Eddie’s spectre is standing right in front of Dani, confronting her directly, whereas previously Dani had only seen him in the reflections of mirrors or windows - usually she can try to reduce seeing the spectre by covering up mirror, but now he’s apppearing right in front of her, unavoidable and inescapable.

Secondly, the spectre is violently pulled back towards the manor, again this is the first time that we’ve ever seen Eddie’s spectre move - when we see his image in any reflections, he is always standing still.

Thirdly, Dani actually gives out a loud scream at seeing Eddie spectre. She often does give a shocked gasp or a small yelp when she sees him but she has never screamed like this, so we can see that she is even more shocked than usual by his appearance.

The aggressiveness of Eddie’s spectre, the difference in the way that he appears to Dani and the fact that he appears after she has just taken a leap and outwardly showed her romantic interest in Jamie - which is likely to be the first time that she’s ever acted on her sexuality, except for when she broke off her engagement which didn’t end well - confirms to us that his appearances have been related to the guilt over his death and the shame that she feels about her sexuality, which she believes is what led to his death.

You can read my previous The Haunting of Bly Manor posts here:-

Episode 1 - The Great Good Place

Episode 2 - The Pupil

Episode 4 - The Way It Came

Episode 5 - The Altar of the Dead

Episode 6 - The Jolly Corner

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19mrs-barnes17 · 5 years ago

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Not Kidding

Summary: “Hi! I hope you're having a good day. May I request a fic w/ Steve/Bucky where you're a cheery and bubbly person that's always asking him out (and always get rejected) to the point it's the team's inside joke. But then one day another girl gets introduced to the team and Steve/Bucky have an instant connection and it seems like she's essentially trying to replace you on the team. This is when you become more down to earth and sullen. You can end this however you like I just love angst! Thanks you!” - Anonymous

Part: 1/1

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x reader

Warnings: angst, I think that’s all

Word count: 1,440

A/N: Thanks for the request lovely! I decided between the two in true Harvey Dent fashion, coin flip. I hope you are pleased with the outcome! (Requests are still open!)

Fate was a cruel mistress with her jokes and games, always tearing away at your heart. It simply was not fair for you to pour your heart out only for it to be rejected and taken as a joke. Sure, at first your attempts were mere jests but, it was serious for you now and you only wished he could see that. If only he knew you truly meant it, you weren’t crying wolf. This was a genuine declaration from within and not some silly laugh for the rest of the team.

“Hey, little bird. You okay?” Clint stood in the doorway, leaning on it with his arms crossed and concern painted across his face.

“He laughed again, but this time he playfully punched my shoulder.” You stole your gaze back to the episode of Gilmore Girls playing, eyes on the screen but mind elsewhere. “It’s useless he doesn’t believe me.”

“Woah, that doesn’t sound like the woman I trained.” He sat on the corner of your bed and sighed, unsure how he could rectify the situation. “I think you need to sit him down and beat it into his head that you’re serious. He likes you ya know. I swear.”

“I highly doubt that. So, what’d you stop by to say?”

There was a new member. A woman. Scratch that, a beautiful woman who was witty and clever. Far more appealing than you apparently, seeing as her welcome was much more endearing and celebratory. Everyone seemed to love her and you couldn’t help but like her as well, she was kind. But when you saw Bucky look at her like she was made of gold your heart shattered onto the floor. Clint was the only to notice, everyone else making jabs at you when they caught you alone.

“Looks like you’ve got competition Y/N.”

“Uh, oh. Better make a move before she does.”

“Bucky seems smitten with her, better luck next time Y/N”

When dinner had ended you snuck out of the welcome party, far too easily, without a soul noticing that you were gone. Well almost. But it wasn’t exactly the one you were hoping for, though it was welcomed all the same. Clint leaned his back against the railing, eyeing you as he spoke.

“C’mon Y/N. Give it a chance, try telling him again.” You shook your head, growing tired of trying to appease to someone who clearly didn’t think enough of you. “Okay, that’s okay. You can drop it, or persist. But it is up to you, whatever makes you happy makes me happy. I just want to see the free spirited girl I used to know, and if it takes knocking some sense into Barnes I’d be happy to oblige.”

“You know what? Go for it. I really don’t care anymore, not when he’s clearly interested in someone else. Someone who is me but 2 years older. An archer, same hair color, same cheery and bubbly attitude I used to parade around with.” A tear slid down your cheek but you were quick to brush it away. “It’s fine, I deserve better anyway right?”

“Damn right you do, Barnes is an idiot.” Clint smiles softly at you, nudging you with his shoulder and bringing a soft smile to your lips.

“Why am I an idiot?” Bucky emerged from the doorway, confusion etched into his features as he glanced between you and Clint. The latter glanced at you for permission and you nodded before walking past Bucky without speaking a word.

“You really wanna know?” Bucky’s brow furrowed, arms crossing over his chest as he nods apprehensively. “Where to start. Well, how about how you are letting an incredible, caring, and understanding woman slip through your fingers.”

“What?” Bucky lowers his arms and his gaze softens, taking a step toward Clint. “What are you talking about?”

“You’d think you’d be able to work that one out for yourself big guy.” Clint raises a brow, head nodding to the now empty space next to him.

“Oh, jeez. You scared me, I thought this was something serious. Barton, she's roped you into this now?” Bucky smiled softly as he moved to lean over the railing, eyes scanning the skyline. “You two are gonna be the death of me.”

“Only if you don’t get your head out of your ass and realize she isn’t joking. Not anymore.” Clint sighs before pushing off the rail, stopping just shy of the door. “Not that it matters whether she likes you or not considering you’ve crushed her spirit and heart beneath your boot.”

He’s left alone on the balcony, mind running through the conversation repeatedly in an attempt to determine its sincerity. There was far too much honesty dripping from Clint’s tone for this to be part of Y/N’s usual schemes. Did she really care for him? Of all the people she could fall for, Bucky couldn’t fathom himself being the object of her affection. She was too good for him, too kind. He almost felt as though he would poison her light if he confessed what he had been hiding, he couldn’t bear it. Although, from what Clint was saying, he had already done it unconsciously. He had to fix this immediately.

You were by yourself at the bar, pouring yourself a mixed drink and looking peaceful in your own world. The celebration around you had left you unaffected, no silly smile on your lips or quick thinking quip from your lips. It hurt Bucky to see you so distant, and it pissed him off that everyone had fueled his rejections with their whispers. None of them thought you had genuine interest in him and he had listened to their cautions against getting lead on.

“Whiskey on the rocks please?” He held a soft and tentative gaze on you, a gentle smile on his lips when you nodded. “I’m sorry.”

“For?” She had paused in pouring the liquor but resumed after shaking her head softly as if to wake herself. “Laughing? Or the constant rejection?”

She slid the glass across without making any eye contact, sipping on her own concoction and smiling softly. He tore his gaze from her, eyes growing pitifully sad and pained.

“All of it.” His voice was soft and barely audible under the noise of the music and chatter surrounding them. “I’m so sorry.”

“Hey.” She placed a hand on his and smiled softly, shaking her head ever so slightly at his regret fueled state. “Apology accepted, punk.”

A soft smile stretched across his lips, eyes meeting yours with a twinkle of hope. He stood from the stool and made his way around the bar, much to your confusion. Bucky held your hands in his, ignoring the party raging right next to him. You were the center of his focus and it made your heart skip a beat.

“I should never have laughed at you, and I should have taken your advances more seriously. I owe you more than an apology, I owe you the truth.” Your brow furrowed and mouth opened to speak but he shook his head. “I fell for you the moment I laid eyes on you. When I watched you work your way through that training simulation. Your smile and bright personality seemed too pure for my tainted heart to belong to. But it does. Completely.”

You could taste the salty tears dripping down your cheeks, sniffling as you scanned his steel blue eyes and discovered sincerity. He placed his hands on your cheeks and wiped away the tear trails, eyes never leaving yours. Tired, that’s what you both were. Far too tired of waiting and fearing that the other wouldn’t accept you. So you gripped the collar of his shirt in a fist and pulled him to you. Your lips moving in sync, a smile stretching across them as he moved his arms to your waist and hair.

There was a single clap that snapped the two of you from the kiss, heads turning to determine its source. Clint sat on the arm of a chair, hands continuing to clap as a bright smile grew. You could kill the man. Now all eyes were on you and Bucky, especially Steve’s. A knowing gaze and gentle smile from him had you blushing like a damn tomato. Bucky pulled away and stood in front of you with an arm protectively blocking you.

“Alright, get on with it. Move on, have some respect.” His defensive stance in front of you made you chuckle softly.

“Yeah perverts.” He glanced over his shoulder with a small smile before shaking his head at you.

Tags: @qtmeryr @broken-hearted-barnes

Send asks to join tags!

#bucky #Bucky Barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky x reader #requested #send me asks #angst #kayla answers #marvel

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conaionaru · 4 years ago

Text

Honor and Blood (Ivar the Boneless)

Prophecy of fire

Synopsis: Aslaug sees an unsettling vision about Vanya’s and Ivar’s future.

Warning: angst, fluff, Ivar, toxic family, prophecy

Tagged

@shannygoatgruff @youbloodymadgenius @xbellaxcarolinax @heavenly1927 @lol-haha-joke @queenbeeta @didiintheblog

P.S.: Anything in cursive is in Old Norse.

I don't own the gifs. Also, thank you for your support. I really appreciate it.

Waking up next to Ivar became one of Vanya's favorite things in the morning. The way the light hit his tan skin as his bare chest rose slowly to the singing of the birds in the background. It all seemed like a dream she never knew she needed in her life. She put her pale hand on his chest and felt his heart beating slowly. Her husband looked so serene and innocent sleeping. Nothing like the stories she heard of Vikings. She loved the difference.

"Why are you staring at me?" He asked groggily, making her lock gazes with him. His blue eyes still looked tired, like they needed all the rest they could get before he was ready to leave the bed. Vanya chuckled as she laid her head on his chest and smiled in delight.

"I am admiring true beauty." Vanya teased, quoting his words from the wedding feast. Ivar rolled his eyes at her and threw his arm over her waist, drawing her closer to him. She closed her eyes and let his breathing lull her back to sleep. Unfortunately for both of them, a thrall knocked on their door, informing them that the Queen wants them to meet her in the Great hall.

The couple groaned in annoyance before Vanya rose from the bed and slipped an underdress over her naked body. She heard the thrall leave, as they were advised to do since they once entered to wake the royal duo, only to have a dagger thrown at them, when Ivar was getting dresses. So since then, they dress themselves.

Vanya put on a pale purple dress with roses on it as Ivar tied his legs together. She still hasn't seen his them bare, but she doesn't push. It was better to let him do it at his own pace. The more patient she would be, the better, and she wasn't that curious to see them. Different or not, they were still legs.

"What are you doing today?" Ivar asked, getting down from the bed and crawling to her side as she braided her hair.

Vanya looked down at her husband as she finished her little braid and smiled at him. "Brynja and I are going to the market to buy new fabrics. Do you want me to sew you something? Any special requests?"

Ivar shook his head at her offer and told her he is going hunting with his brothers and won't probably return till tomorrow if they decide to stay at the hunting cabin. Vanya wished him a good hunt and kissed him on the lips before they parted ways.

She was still a little bit shaken up from yesterday's argument. The first night they talked together, he told her she could do whatever she wanted to do. Yet he obviously drew the line at Christianity. She didn't care about the Christian God - he was a useless god in her eyes. His punishments were too severe, and his rules cruel. Silas always mocked her with Queen Judith of Wessex, the woman who got her ear cut off. He threatened he would do the same to her if she continued to test him. She prayed to God for mercy, but it didn't come at all. Yet Silas was a sea away from her, and she worshipped other gods now.

There was no place for God in her heart anymore; perhaps there never was. He was her father, God, and the possibility of him being with her even after death was beautiful. But the more she thought about it, the more she realized there never was an angel or God by her side. Silas was cruel to her, giving her bruises that took weeks to heal. And no matter how much she prayed, God did nothing. If he truly existed, he would have done something. What kind of cruel god is he if he does nothing?

Maybe all gods are just stories told by men to justify their choices. The tales of all-powerful gods looking over them and doing incredible deeds gives them an illusion of order in this world. After all, children sleep easier, thinking someone is protecting them. Is that what her father was? A fool believing in a made-up story?

The two sat down with the other Ragnarssons as Aslaug smiled at them a cup of mead in her hand. "What did you want to talk about, Mother?" Ubbe asked her, not liking the suspense.

Aslaug waved her hand at him in a dismissive way and sipped from her cup. "No worries. It is good news. Some traders offered to help Floki build ships by giving him some material. The only thing they ask is that you mention their generosity to the other people who will sail with you."

Bjorn nodded at that information and thanked her, saying he will inform Floki of it before they leave to hunt. Vanya looked at Bjorn curiously, trying to remember if he mentioned a journey. "Where are you going, Bjorn?"

The tall Viking looked at his sister in law and smiled at her proudly. "I found a map on our raid in Frankia a long time ago. I want to sail there, and Floki is building the ships for the journey." He explained excitedly thinking of the new things he would see when the time came.

Vanya smiled at his excitement and wished him good luck on his journey. Apparently, the other brothers wanted to come too, and we're still pondering who would go and who not. Hvitserk was sure he would go even if he had to sneak on the ship.

They all ate, conversating together about their plans before the boys stood up to leave. Ivar kissed Vanya's temple and crawled away. When Vanya stood up to also go, Aslaug called her name. She mentioned for the redhead to sit next to her, cause she wanted to talk.

Vanya braced herself for the hard conversation before her and sat down on Ubbe's earlier chair. "I am very happy for you and Ivar. And I am sorry for pressuring you. I didn't mean it in a wrong way. I simply want you two to be happy."

Vanya nodded at the Queen's words appreciating the less tense atmosphere between them. "Who taught you to behave like that, Love?"

Aslaug's words were curious yet still made Vanya pause. She didn't know the reason behind her question; after all, why should the Queen care about it? "My father always said that people have greater importance than armies. He believed that being loved had a bigger value than being feared. I think the same. However, it is good to have both. Only love won't win wars if the need arises."

"Wise words. He must have been a smart man to think that. How did he die?" Aslaug questioned again, her eyes sharp as a whip. She was looking for something, that was sure.

Vanya swallowed, thinking of her father's pale face and bony hands as he took his last breath in his chambers. "A sudden illness took him. He suffered for a long time before he passed away." Her tone was sad, and she could feel moisture at the corners of her eyes. Despite being dead for nearly three years, he was still a sore subject to her.

"I am sorry, Love. But you have a new family here now. And who knows, maybe one day you and Ivar will have a family of your own if the gods bless you." And there it was—the point of the whole conversation. Aslaug wanted grandkids. "Do you want children, Vanya?"

Vanya frowned at the question, never really thinking about it. It was expected of her as a woman to bear children. She dreamed of a handsome husband who would give her many pretty children with rosy cheeks. She did want them, but she hated that it was expected of her. Silas and Mother always reminded her that bearing Ivar's sons was a must. But she wondered if it was possible for her to bring his children to the world. What if he couldn't give her a child because of his affliction? What would become of her then?

"I do want children. But I--"

"You worry if you will have any with him, don't you?" Vanya nodded at the Queen's question in sadness. "I pray to the gods every night for you to get pregnant. I had a vision."

The ginger looked at Aslaug in wonder. Curious blue orbs met coal lined ones in a silent order to continue. "I saw a little body with eyes as blue as the sky looking up at ravens flying over its heads. The babe's hands wrapped around a snake's neck in a tight grip—the frozen sea behind the child as it crawled towards a fire to warm itself. I don't think it is a bad dream. The child is in danger, but it is a strong child. Brave and determined to survive."

Vanya frowned at the Queen's prophecy and nodded her head in understanding at it. "You could ask the Seer what the gods have to say about it. He will know what to tell you. But I am sure there is a child in your future."

She hoped it was the truth; she wanted children with Ivar. But what if her child was in immense danger? The prophecy sounded anything but friendly to her, no matter what Aslaug said. A snake and a fire was anything but good in her eyes. It meant obstacles in the life of a child that wasn't even conceived yet, and she already worried about it. What if the child died before it would grow up? Or if it died in her womb? What if the fire that was supposed to warm it would burn it instead?

"You are very silent today, Princess," Brynja commented, worried, looking over the silks the old woman offered to them. "Are you alright?"

Vanya looked up from the steel blue fabric she inspected before and smiled at her servant and friend. "Got a lot on my mind, that's all." Brynja nodded her head, not truly believing the Princess but decided not to press the matter.

After Vanya bought the fabrics, did she ask a thrall to bring them to her chambers. "I wish to talk to you privately." Brynja nodded at the whispered words and led the wife of Ivar the Boneless towards a lake in the woods. The grass looked soft while the water was clear and twinkled in the sun. The day was rather warm today for Kattegat's usual coldness.

The two women sat down on the grass watching the lake, neither saying anything for some time. Vanya cast her gaze down to her lap to look at the half-moon wounds she gave herself yesterday. She trailed her thumb over the tender scars and sighed loudly. "What do you think of Ivar? Be honest."

Brynja's head snapped towards Vanya as she watched the young Princess's blank face. Her usual honest front was replaced with a coldness that gave nothing away. She reminded the servant of Ivar at that moment. A hunter waiting for his prey to make its first move.

"I don't know him that well, Vanya. I only serve you." Vanya hummed at the servant's frantic tone and looked back up at the lake.

"My husband's personality worries me sometimes. I like him, that much I am sure. But his mood swings are frightening sometimes. He caught me praying, I confessed to him I prayed to the Christian god too. He got angry at that. He claims he won't hurt me, but yet he scares me." Vanya explained to the woman she barely knew. It was a foolish move; she could report it back to someone. But her feelings to Ivar were no valuable information to anyone. If she told it to Aslaug, the Queen would only talk to her. Vanya was in no danger telling Brynja about her situation. "When I was sent here, I begged my brother not to do it. I was worried my husband would kill me. So I ask you... Is my life in danger?"

Brynja took in a shake a breath and frowned deeply. "The Prince is mean; he isn't very fond of his brother Sigurd, and the Queen spoils him. But I don't think he would hurt you. Somehow you calm him. He isn't like he used to be before. It's not that obvious, but he is getting better. I think you should give him some time. Maybe talk to him."

Vanya nodded at the servant's advice and looked back at the lake, seeing flowers drifting in the lake. She smiled at the pretty things and stood up, surprising Brynja.

The servant looked up at the Princess, who took off her shoes and lifted her dress. "What is your favorite flower, Brynja?" She tiptoed over to the edge of the lake and dipped her feet in before walking into the water.

"Princess! Get out of there!" Brynja warned fearing for her Lady's health from the cold lake. Yet Vanya ignored the worried shouts and walked to the flowers. When she realized that she couldn't pick the flowers while holding her dress, she dropped the skirt and plucked the pretty flowers.

"Stop worrying, Brynja. Come on! What flowers do you like?" Vanya giggled a few Lily-of-the-valley flowers in her left hand as she walked closer to the coast to pluck more of the pretty flowers.

Brynja smiled, watching the excited Princess enjoy herself; her white skirt floated around her as she walked over the bottom of the lake. She looked so serene and kind at that moment that marrying her to someone like Ivar seemed like a mistake. Yet the girl's good heart and patience were a plus for the youngest Prince. "Forget-me-not's, my Princess. I like purple flowers."

Vanya chuckled at the information and gathered a few of those flowers in her hands, making a bouquet for her red-haired friend and servant. The lake was cold, but she could endure the chilly water until her task was done. She loved picking flowers back in the gardens of Slegia; the flowers were always put into a vase and on her father's table afterward. "Are you not bored with me, Brynja?"

Brynja shook her head at the question and watched the Princess make her way back to the shore. "Of course not, my Lady. I like serving you more than serving in the kitchen with the thralls."

With Brynja's help, Vanya crawled out of the lake and presented the curly-haired girl her findings. Brynja thanked her and put a forget-me-not into her hair, she also put one into Vanya's hair, complimenting the pretty Saxon on the look. The two girls left the lake in a good mood and went towards Vanya's and Ivar's room to change her wet dress.

#Vikings #ivar x oc #original character #original female character #ivar the boneless #ivar lothbrok

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notasiren21 · 5 years ago

Note

#40 from the prompt list please and thank you!!!

I’m so sorry this took so long!!!

Someone You Loved

Rating: Mature for some themes

Pairing: fuckin’ Lukanette boi

Word count: 4,665

Prompt: (40) “I wasn’t lying when I said that I loved you.”

Description:

Well, Luka sings a song and I pissed @macaknight off with this when I asked her to beta read the start of it. It helps if you listen to the song in the story, Someone You Loved by Lewis Capaldi. Enjoy lmao

She was around by his side long enough to engrave the little things into his mind.

He knew how it felt to have the soft strands of midnight blues through his fingers as he tangled them in her hair. To have her legs settle on either side of his as he trailed his hand up her small back and waist under her soft cotton shirts. The cheeky grin he grew to love baring up at him when his arms bracketed with her in between he picked her up at home.

How he didn't care for sweets but loved the way blueberry muffins tasted on her tongue and the taste of her mixed with raspberry jelly when it leaked from the corner of her pouty lips.

How the Liberty swayed under his feet against the small currents the wind brought on as they danced in the rain. The feel of his converse bracing both their weights as her drenched skirt blew in harsh waves between them. The first lightning strike reflecting off an anchor necklace he gave her on their first date.

When she kissed his cheek when he started humming absently with frustration as he tried to figure out the melody he wrote. Her small fingers pulling the pencil out of his death grip as she lent her forehead against his to calm him and decipher the jumbled notes he had in his head.

The way her face lit up when he played it back to her.

The way her face fell when she told him she loved him but they couldn't be together.

How her arms stiffly pulled away from his hug and the red of her eyes she showed up with.

How the airy taste of salt from the water didn't compare to the salt of his tears that trailed to his lips as he grounded the palm of his hands to his eyes roughy as sobs racked through his body when he collapsed to the wood of the ship.

The way it left him numb with hurt and he became too compliant with his happenings, too accepting.

Defeated.

Music was harder to hear and enjoy, he couldn't compose anything more than a haunting melody that brought any stranger to tears.

He wasn't sure he even felt the burn to his tongue when he drank his hot coffee as soon as it was handed to him. Or the rough jerk of his shoulder to turn him around as his guitar bounced off his back.

"Hey man, you look worse for wear." Théo, a former classmate of his that now ran the coffee shop, spoke as he eyed him critically. Luka shifted his thick blacks squared rimmed sunglasses up higher to cover his dark circles better. "I'd say it's great to see you, but..."

“Yeah, I’m just tired.” He offered the excuse at the ready, hating how well lying came with sadness.

“Ah, life of a famous rockstar.” Théo teased with a smirk. “No wondering you’re wearing a hat like that backwards to cover your hair and shades for those ‘oh so sexy’ blue eyes of yours.”

“Not famous,” Luka cringed at Théo’s words. “Just well known on the internet I guess.”

“Sorry for overplaying your popular cover videos man.” His old school mate laughed.

"It's fine. What's up?" He forced a smile that came across as genuine despite what he felt.

Théo crossed his arms and made a jerk with his head in the direction of the shop across the street, "New place has been stealing some of our loyal customers." Luka scratched under the brim of his black baseball cap he had on backwards as he followed the movement. "Lunch hour is about to hit and you know much we moved to stop by this part of town for break."

"Yeah, your aunt made good scones." He supplied.

He grunted in response, "Yeah. Well, girls frequent here more from school, and they keep going there," he roughly jerked his chin to the place again, "Just because there's an older guy who takes their order who is attractive, I guess. Or so I'm told."

Luka blinked at the shop before turning to his old friend, "What do you need from me then?"

"Observant as always, Couffaine." He snorted with a shake of his head. "I wanted to see if you -an attractive older guy- would give a small performance just as the girls come."

"What? Why?"

"Are you dense? With your face and body, and that 'sinful voice' of yours the girls cooed about back then and from your YouTube covers, I'm guaranteed to bring in more customers for today."

Luka tossed his half full coffee cup to the trash next to him. His own arms crossing as he wished he was in his cabin instead, laying on his bed while he stared up at the ceiling and trying to not feel the clench of his arm when he smelled Marinette's hibiscus shampoo and berry scented perfume on his pillows.

"I don't know."

His friend clasped onto his shoulder again, "Please man, you can keep 40% of the money you help bring in, I don't care. That shop is a dick and acting like we're not its competition."

“Man, you really don’t have to, I’ll just take a free coffee if you really need this.” Anything seemed better than just wallowing at home at this point, despite the incredible want to do so that swelled within him as he stood on the block he and Ladybug often frequented to patrol. “I mean it.”

Théo smiled, guiding him to a spot that he started clearing out near the cafe’s short fence that caged the outdoor tables and chairs.

“That’s okay, I feel bad to make you work without pay.” He straightened his back that had been bent forwards as he pushed tables, “Consider it repayment for that time you paid for my lunch.”

Luka stopped, “Lunch? When did I-,” he grunted. “Théo, that was four years ago.”

“Well, last Saturday had me thinking about all my debts and regrets when I thought I was gonna die. You came up.”

He flinched at mention of Saturday.

Saturday, the final fight against Hawkmoth who showed up in person with a struggling Mayura and an akumatized sentimonster of Lila. The combination of their powers as well as the wickedness that resided in the girl proving to be a difficult fight for them all when Ladybug and Chat pulled the entire team in.

Including a Chloé Bourgeois who was more than ready to help.

He could’ve sworn he heard Marinette screaming his name in worry when Hawkmoth closed in on him and hit into his side with his cane full force. But that was ridiculous. Because Marinette was Ladybug and Ladybug was Marinette. And Marinette wanted nothing to do with Luka since they had broken up without reason beyond her excuse of not being able to be with him.

He was a bit bitter about the whole ordeal.

Okay, he was more so lovesick and depressed, but his negative energy still stood.

“Yeah,” he flinched again when he heard his voice crack and he thumbed his bracelet -once silver, now a metallic black to hide better, “At least they finally caught Hawkmoth for good.”

“No kidding, now we can just focus on the heroes and the gossip your little girlfriend’s bestie posts.”

A knife. Through his heart. Twisting and gutting.

“Gossip?” He chose the safer option of the sentence, ignoring the onslaught of pitying questions and half-assed supportive promises that correcting Théo would bring.

“Yeah, like how that Ryuuko dragon girl and Chat are definitely dating and that Viperion and Ladybug totally have the hots for one another and the soft looks they give during patrols.”

A chainsaw. Just shredding his heart to pieces.

Luka Couffaine once thought he was a smart kid who made the right decisions.

How wrong he had been.

“Right.” He bit out, gripping the strap of his guitar case and scratching his baseball cap.

Théo shot up and loudly clapped with a whoop, “There we go! Now, I should grab the mic stand from open mic nights and just plug that in and some speakers, then we’ll be good to go.” Maybe Luka should’ve just left. “I’ll get ‘er done in five minutes, tops.”

Luka only nodded, watching as he ran around and set things up, then proudly presented Luka with the lone table he left set up to sit on.

He eyed his skeptically behind his sunglasses before hopping up, testing his weight on the surface before he crossed one ankle across his thigh and took his guitar from Théo who unzipped it for him. Théo pushed the mic stand closer to Luka and adjusted when he peered up at him.

“What do you want me to sing?”

His old friend shrugged with an easy smile, “Anything that comes to mind and draws that big crowd of hungry girls over.” Luka bobbed his head in response and tuned his acoustic guitar as Théo began backing up to inside the store and cheered, “Show off that sinful voice of yours, man! Woo!”

He let out a short chuckle and emptied his mind completely as he shut down, letting his fingers strum a few notes to a song that he began to resonate deeply with.

“I'm going under and this time I fear there's no one to save me,” he closed his eyes and mentally chastised himself for being so open with his feelings as they poured out of him through a popular song. “This all or nothing really got a way of driving me crazy.”

He could see Théo looking at him carefully when he opened before squeezing his eyes shut in pain. He hated that look of pity, but he already started singing this song and he knew he would have to see it through given that the customers at the shop had already turned their attention to him.

“I need somebody to heal

Somebody to know

Somebody to have

Somebody to hold,”

Did he growl at the end of that last line? He wasn’t sure but the audience seemed moved by it and how he didn’t go weak on the verbs. Maybe he could please someone for once by just following with what worked for him.

“It's easy to say

But it's never the same

I guess I kinda liked the way you numbed all the pain.”

He thought he saw the familiar flash of black with red accents that everyone knew as Ladybug’s new suit for a second up on the rooftops. The rooftops that she danced with Viperion on and let her laugh rang over the quiet town under the stars. He wasn’t sure if he was just hopelessly imagining her or if she was there, but he felt the pain bite all at once and his voice became wobbly in a way that the crowd seemed touched by. You’re kidding me.

“Now the day bleeds

Into nightfall

And you're not here

To get me through it all

I let my guard down

And then you pulled the rug

I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved.”

Weak. He felt weak and it wasn’t the kind where he felt weak at the knees like when Marinette smiled up at him or her nose scrunched in thought.

He always thought he could be emotionally strong to handle whatever came his way. He was so sure of it.

“I'm going under and this time I fear there's no one to turn to,” Guess he was weak for Marinette in every way possible after all, “This all or nothing way of loving got me sleeping without you.

“Now, I need somebody to know

Somebody to heal

Somebody to have

Just to know how it feels

It's easy to say but it's never the same

I guess I kinda liked the way you helped me escape.”

There was no blame to place, he knew that. It didn’t make it better or let him throw his anger at her to get it out, but he couldn’t keep punishing himself either.

He felt his eyes sting, shutting them as one tear slipped through and feeling grateful for both his dark shades and the sun beating down on his face past the patio table umbrella, hiding the evidence of his heartbreak.

“Now the day bleeds

Into nightfall

And you're not here

To get me through it all

I let my guard down,”

Who was he kidding? The heartbreak was the clearest part about him as he let the rough notes chip away at his throat and the growls making his voice artistically raw that he would have to worry about later.

His heart stopped painfully when he remembered the way Marinette’s face flushed all smitten like with a wondering look when Luka growled while singing and shot her winks, knowing how flustered it made her to see her calm and collective boyfriend with a soft and careful voice sounding so tortured for certain songs.

“And then you pulled the rug

I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved.

How that came back to bite him in the ass.

He glanced up to blink away the tears and avoid the view of the large growing audience he couldn’t see from the sun.

He could’ve sworn he saw a flash of black and flecks of red again.

Fingers strummed harder and with more purpose and he let his soft voice fall back as the pain ripped through him and out in his voice.

“And I tend to close my eyes when it hurts sometimes

I fall into your arms

I'll be safe in your sound 'til I come back around.”

Fuck. He missed her. He missed her a fuck ton and wanted to hold her again and hear her whisper his nicknames of “Love”, “baby”, “handsome”, “Vipey”, whatever the hell she wanted to call him.

Even his damn name would be enough to sedate him for a year.

“For now the day bleeds

Into nightfall”

Dancing with her into the beginnings of a bad storm on the deck of the Liberty as they belted Cheap Thrills amist her giggles and his laughs he choked down to keep her beautiful voice going with his.

“And you're not here

To get me through it all”

Being curled up on her living room couch the next day with her cuddled into his side. Both sick with the cold, but unable to wipe the weak grins from their faces as Sabine amusingly disapproved of their actions the night before.

“I let my guard down

And then you pulled the rug”

Their first kiss when she got flustered at their first date and told him she wouldn’t read too much into it despite wanting to, and him effectively shutting her up for the first time ever with the crash of his lips to hers and hands tilting her head up to meet him in reassurance.

“I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved.”

The first time she called him her boyfriend and the pleased giggle she let out when he gave a startled and flustered noise, his snack flying out of the package he ripped open before he blinked and asked her to repeat what she said as a toothy grin broke his shocked face.

“But now the day bleeds

Into nightfall

And you're not here

To get me through it all”

Did a camera just flash at him? Hard to tell with the sun in his eyes and the dark lenses of his shades. He couldn’t find himself to care either.

“I let my guard down

And then you pulled the rug

I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved.”

He tried not to think about the fact that he forced himself to change his phone backgrounds to black, tried not to think if she deleted her phone screens of them napping together or the wallpaper of them dancing in the rain Juleka got of them as Luka dipped her over the edge of the stage they always practiced on.

The complete trust in her eyes and smile always made him melt in that picture. Her hands loosely holding her arms as her head titled back in a deep bellied laugh while he held onto her waist tightly with one arm and had the other behind him, the biggest smile that was only found on his face when Marinette was around.

“I let my guard down

And then you pulled the rug

I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved.”

Luka still fucking loved her more than anything.

His drive, his inspiration, his happiness and safe space. His melody that always rang loudly in his ears.

Now it sounded just as it did when they were younger.

The numbness took over as he looked up, face contorted into a forced happy expression as he dipped his head in gratitude to see the very big crowd that gathered and was clapping with tears in their eyes. He excused himself to find Théo who ignored how exposed the song made his old friend, conversing with him briefly as he counted the amount of customers before Luka left and promised to give him the 40% the next visit he came and a free coffee.

He put up his guitar, tugging the case back over his shoulder as he headed back to the Liberty and tossed the faux leather casing to the bed, tossing his sunglasses to the the bed as well before heading to the deck and off to take a lap to clear his break up riddled mind.

The third block was a close achievement, before he felt the petite body rush into him and the all too familiar wrap of small and strong legs wrap about his waist with a black latex suit arm winding around his neck. He subconsciously fell back into habit as one of his own dropped to hold under her thighs and one around her own waist as black fielded his vision.

He barely got a curse out before the all too telling sound of a spiritually powered string to the famous yo-yo pinned against restraint and shot them upwards, his unmasked face burying itself in the crook of her neck from the force rush of air to his eyes.

His chest tightened to the smell of hibiscus flowers and berries, clutching her tighter for the first time in a long while. Half aware he shifted her higher against him to have her bring them closer.

Well fuck if he wasn’t the most touch starved and needy ex ever.

The familiar sound of a specific metal railing being bounded by the yo-yo was the only warning he got before the touched surface with his feet and she loosened her grip.

He barely heard the words of her detransformation before he could see the flash of pink through black and pulled back from her neck.

Terror shook through him, and his hands and body trembled against her as he couldn’t force himself to look up. Staring intently at the silver anchor necklace he gave her, bounded in a rope of small teal jewels.

Luka couldn’t look at her face, couldn’t look away from the necklace she still wore. He couldn’t let her go or put her down either.

“Breathe love,” her quiet voice spoke, soft and hesitant, breaking Luka as he dropped them to his knees and brought her closer than before.

An audible sob he hadn’t heard since she walked away from him escaped his lips and heaved for air as his chin rested over her head and he looked frantically in front of him. At her balcony, the plants that littered the space and the wood paneling they rested on, the little ladybug statue he bought her as a cute joke.

Seeing none of it through blurry eyes, forcing himself to drop his head to her shoulder as she quaked with tears and ran a soothing hand through his hair.

“I’m so sorry, love.” He couldn’t get words out as he just grounded his face into her. “I thought I was protecting you, I didn’t realize how wrong I was.”

She pulled his face up, ceruleans magnified as his pupils dilated to the sight of her in front of him once again and the tips of his ears flaring just by her touch for the first time in forever. She caught a steam of tears with her thumb, giving him a tight smile.

“My miraculous gave me the intuition that Hawkmoth would make his final move.” She paused for a second, closing her eyes and she breathed deeply. “I thought for sure I would die when he did. Either by his winning, or ours but I would end up a casualty or sacrifice. You guys weren’t even supposed to be there, but Adrien insisted for backup and I just...”

“You left me because you thought you were going to be killed?” Voice gravelly and sore from the coffee shop, he pressed on, fingers twitching at her back. “Why didn’t you tell me? Even if you had to strap me down just to bench me from the fight, you should’ve told me.”

“You’re right,” she rushed. “Absolutely right, and it was pure hell to leave to that day or say what I did. I’ve never been more miserable with my life than I’ve been since we’ve broke up. I hate it, I hate being away from you so much, Luka.”

“Be mine again.”

“What?” She blinked, choking on air.

He squeezed his eyes shut, leaning into her touch when she held his face. “I don’t, I don’t fucking care if I’m being selfish anymore. It’s so hard not to be when it comes to you, Marinette. All these small details engraved to my mind, committed to memory and nothing to do with it.

“I keep leaving hoodies I casually wear on my amp for you to take, I keep putting that soft blanket you’re obsessed with folded on the edge of my bed for you to yank off and curl into as soon as you step into my room.” He forced his eyes not to open as he kept going, following the rhythm she provided and he struggled to find words for. “The minute I wake up, before I even open my eyes to see for the first time of the day, my phone is already in my hand with your contact open and a good morning text at the ready for you. Even good night texts when I reset my alarms. I keep leaving your spot open on my bed in case you visit while I’m asleep. Your favorite part on the couch for you. The last cherry popsicle of the package, and the cookie dough ice cream I bought out of habit are still in the freezer waiting for you to find them.

“I’m fucking broken without you.” He rasped, ceruleans meeting baby blues, “I’m missing you emotionally, figuratively, mentally, physically. How the hell am I supposed to be okay when you’ve become such a big part of me? When you’re my literal other half?”

She nudged his button nose with her small one, “I,” she gave a dark laugh that he felt in his core. “I keep airing out my room whenever my sewing machine leaves behind that electrical smell your nose scrunches at so much.” She giggled when she felt him do it at the mention of the scent. “I let the popcorn cook for half a minute longer to get it a little burnt like how you like. I sleep in your hoodies to leave behind the smell of my perfume and shampoo the way you said you like your hoodies to smell when I give them back. I play with my necklace when I grow nervous and can’t talk to you. I can’t go more than five hours without hovering over your contact name or looking at our pictures.”

He sat back on his knees, letting her adjust herself out of habit and moving her hair away from her face. The smile he gave was tight but reassuring.

“I missed you, doll.”

“I missed you too, Luka.” She paused for a second, “Hey,” she started cautiously.

“Hm,”

“Luka, you know I wasn’t lying when I said that I loved you, right?”

The glint that quickly came to his eyes didn’t waver like his abused voice did, “I kinda figured from all the times you’ve blushed and stuttered. The times you tripped when I caught you off guard with a flirtatious comment or wink. And the times you kissed me like it was the end of the world.”

He looked up to see her set a false murderous glare above him as he ran his thumb over the teal gems in the rope around the anchor of her necklace, a smirk he hadn’t felt making way to his face as one of his naturally slightly pointer canines became visible to express his pure happiness.

“I forgot how much of a jerk you could be,” she huffed, looking away and sniffing.

“I’m sorry, doll.” He made her look at him, eyes still shining with unshed tears as the stared into hers. His grin was pure radiance, “I love you.”

She let him pull her down to a kiss, feeling those soft pouty lips he loved so much back on his again. “I know,” she replied between kisses, causing him to huff and pull away with his own pout. She held alone his jawline, “I’m kidding, kinda. But, I love you too.”

Her giggle when he let out a happy and short hum was pure music to his ears as her melody finally fell back into the correct time signature and key. Even as he parted with a pant and hugged her close, stroking her hair.

“Just, don’t leave me in the dark again.” He started, seeing her phone that fell out of her back pocket light up with a text from Alya.

Alya: So did you kiss and makeup, or not? I have Nino on the edge of his seat.

Alya: no really, he keeps asking and refuses to do ANYTHING until he finds out.

Alya: for fuck’s sake, answer and let me get laid

He hid his smile in her shoulder from the texts and the fact that she never changed her screens from them. Letting him see her cheek smushed up against his chest and her arm lazily thrown around his waist while his held her close.

“Never, not again. I’m not stupid enough to make the same mistake twice like I once was.” He snorted at the reference to her old crush on Adrien years ago. “But we do have something to talk about.”

He pulled back, eyeing her cautiously. “Did I do something?”

“Yes,” his heart fell and he was ready to beg for her forgiveness. “You know how many girls have your picture now? Videos of you singing a song in such a beautifully tortured way with those growls, and the rough notes and the, stop laughing Couffaine!”

“I’m sorry,” he muffled his laughs behind his hand. “I forgot how much fun I had just by talking with you and your small bouts of jealousy.”

“Oh, I’m bad? Says the boy who sang a song that people keep covering for heartbreak.”

“I’m getting paid for doing it.”

“How much?”

“40% of the customers I brought in by drawing a crowd and a coffee on the house,” he let a smile spread across his face. “You know, I might be able to change it. Can I treat you to a free mint hot chocolate, a date as well maybe?”

She considered him for a second.

“With whipped cream,” he added for extra measure to his small sweet’s addict. He dimpled up at her with a scrunch when she kissed his button nose.

“God, I love you, Luka.”

“I love you too,” he kissed her slowly, “Mari, just don’t let me sing like that again, my voice is killing me.”

“Got it, never leave you again.”

“Pretty much.”

“Hey, you look cute with your baseball cap backwards like this.” She winked, pulling his black hat from the balcony floor where it fell off and back on his head.

“I’d respond with a witty comment, but it hurts to talk now.”

She grinned, “Hm, I love you.”

Luka still smiled despite flinching from the rawness of his throat, “I love you.”

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another-sonic-blog · 5 years ago

Text

Who You Are

A/N: I wrote this a long time ago and I am republishing it again (Not reblogging because I couldn’t find the original post lol) because I am actually thinking of writing a whole story out of this one shot. I enjoyed very much writing this and I love the concept! So, if people want a story or just a small continuation of this let me know!

4K200

There was nothing but darkness for her. It had always been the same, always hiding, on the low, pretending she didn't exist. She wasn't supposed to anyway. She was terrified at first at the thought to have to communicate with them...the humans. The five years she has being conscious, she had discovered how horrible of a race they are. They destroy, kill each other, colonize and enslaved. The more she thought about it, the more she wonders what was going through her head and Sonic's when they said they really wanted to visit the Earth.

"Amy, I am here!"

Amy stood up from her 'bed', it wasn't actually one. It was just a mattress that she had found in the trash. She had built up her own home. Made out of wood and nails, very simple and small. Through the years she had begun to collect things from the trash and shelters. She made sure to wash them well in the river that was next to her house. Of course, she didn't do it alone. Someone helped her in her journey.

"Shadow, I have told you before...I don't need food to survive."

"You know I don't mind, I get paid a lot and honestly I don't know what to do with the money,"Shadow said as he placed the grocery bags on the floor. He walked closer to her as he gave her a smile. Shadow was probably the only living thing on this planet that Amy had communication with. It wasn't like she began the conversation either, Shadow was too pure and helped anyone he could. If it was for him, he would invite every homeless person to live in his home.

"Thank you."

"You know you can come live with me whenever you want ... I sometimes worry about you being alone in the woods you know," Shadow sat down on the pink sofa, inviting Amy to do so as well. "I can take care of myself ... and please stop giving me things. I don't really have much space and I already make enough money for myself."

"Yeah, I noticed. Every flower shop in town is closing because of you. Everyone now wants 'Amy Rose's flowers', you could start your own brand." The four years Shadow had known Amy, she had never told him about her past. It's not like it matters to him, but curiosity was always on his side. Amy wasn't only good at gardening flowers, but she knew about all of them. Where they grow, the exact temperature they need and just by looking at the seed, she could tell what flower it was. She was beyond smart, which sadden Shadow as well. The first time he met her, he found her 'stealing' his mattress that he had left in the trash outside his apartment.

. . .

"Hey, do you need help with that?" It was around three in the morning, it was snowing outside and Shadow heard his metal trash cans falling down. That's when he noticed a pink hedgehog. In all of his 17 years leaving on this planet and exploring it, he had never seen a pink hedgehog. The pink one seems not to care about his presence and continued to drag the mattress through the snow.

"I can bring it to your house if that's what you want. I can also...ummm-",Shadow looked quickly at her clothing. A short sleeveless red dress. He was really surprised at the fact that she hasn't frozen to death. "Let me give you some warm clothes." He finished. However, the pink hedgehog pretended he wasn't there. He was fast to stop her, holding her hand and he felt how the pink hedgehog flinches at the action.

"What's your name?," he looked directly at her green eyes. Shadow had to admit that she had the most beautiful green eyes he had ever seen, similar to the Chaos Emeralds.

"... Amy", the pink hedgehog said quietly, hoping that the black hedgehog would go away if she accepted his request.

"Amy, that's a pretty name ... what about your last name?", Shadow was glad that there was some progress made. He wanted to get her into a warm place. Her hands were freezing and he held them tightly to make sure they get warm.

"... I don't have a one."

"Oh ... well," Shadow looked away and he found a pink rose blooming although the snow was covering most of it. The rose was still beautiful and strong even if the circumstances were difficult. Just like Amy.

"Well, what about Rose?... Amy Rose."

. . .

"Anyways, shouldn't you be chasing Rouge or something?," Amy questioned which at hearing the word 'Rouge' Shadow was taken back by reality.

"I was but she escaped away from me!" Amy saw a combination of amusement and excitement in his face. She didn't want to admit it but it was good to see this side of Shadow.

"Well, maybe in you stopped chasing her, she may take an interest in you."

"What is worst is that I always see her with that red echidna ... and he is slow like ... I am the fastest thing alive! What does she see in him?"

"Fastest thing alive, uh? I used to know someone who could rival you."

This peaked Shadow's interest. Amy had never told him about people she had met before and as far as he knows, the closest thing Amy has to a friend is him and Rouge.

"Oh really? Who was this person?"

"He was ... a blue hedgehog."

"What was his name-", Shadow stopped himself as he saw that Amy's expression had changed. She had a sad look on her eyes, well she always had but right now her expression was utterly unspeakable. She seemed lost, infuriated, and disappointed. Shadow never wanted to see her like that again.

"Agent Shadow."

Shadow's good mood was brought back by hearing his lover's voice. He quickly looked at the communicator on his wrist and smiled while talking. "Yes, sweetheart?"

"Right now it's not the time...we are under attack ... by some black looking creatures ... the whole city... it's under attack right now... Shadow... they want the Chaos Emeralds. You need to come to G.U.N's HQ right now!"

"I am on my way!" Shadow ended the communication and stood quickly from the sofa. As he was doing so, he grabbed Amy's wrist. Pulling her to the door with him.

"Let's go, Amy. You are coming with me to the Head-Quarters. It would be too dangerous if you stay alone here."

"Shadow, its ok I-"

"Amy, I am only asking this favor of you ... please ... I had never heard Rouge so preoccupied before ... this must be really serious," Shadow opened the door and the only thing Amy could do was to nod her head in defeat.

. . .

"Alright Amy, you wait outside," Shadow said as he saw others G.U.N members enter the Conference Room. The Commander of G.U.N stared at Shadow as if to tell him to hurry up and get inside. Amy nodded quickly as she didn't want to put Shadow in any more trouble. They closed the door behind her and although the walls and door were soundproof, Amy was still able to hear clearly what they were talking about. She knew she wasn't supposed to but she was really curious as well.

"I am going to be honest with you agents," the Commander began to speak. "We can't win this invasion." The agents were all now proposing ideas, questioning themselves and everyone could feel the panic arise between them.

"Calm down ... their master was clear during his message. He wants all Chaos Emeralds ... He promised to leave once he has them."

"If we do that then we will put all the Universe in danger ... We don't even know if they will keep their promise!" An agent said as he raised his hand. "There has to be another way to defeat them."

"Their skin cannot be pierced by bullets. They regenerate at an incredibly fast speed. All chemicals used against them had made no damage so far. Our city is being destroyed, our soldiers and innocent people are dying as we speak right now. I am aware that giving the Chaos Emeralds to 'Black Doom' is not the best idea but-"

"That's it!"

Amy heard Shadow exclaim from the inside of the room interrupting the Commander. "Why don't we use the Chaos Emeralds to defeat them?"

"Agent Shadow, even if we were able to understand how to use the Chaos Emeralds, a simple human nor Mobian is able to control the great power that contains it. The only one who may be able to do so was The Ultimate Life Form ... and he died years ago," The Commander responded simply trying to end the discussion but this peaked Shadow interest even more.

"... Ultimate ... Life Form?"

"You weren't here yet when G.U.N was instructed to capture him," a human agent added as she noticed Shadow's interest in the topic. "The government thought that the Ultimate Life Form could be a potential threat for the world. So they asked us to capture him. However, things got complicated along the way ... and we were instructed to kill him."

Shadow was shocked at this. He was aware that sometimes G.U.N was difficult to handle, but killing someone or something was not really in their protocol. Or at least that's how was it when he entered to work. "Rogue, did you know about-" Shadow wanted to ask his love interest but stopped as he saw Rouge's face change suddenly. She had a melancholic face as if she didn't want to remember. She didn't want to, her face showed one of horror, terror, and Shadow was petrified by it.

"I'll never forget his face," said Rouge "... that blue hedgehog."

BAAM!

Everyone stood up from their seats, pulling their guns out, pointing at the small pink hedgehog in front of them. They didn't know how it happened. Their eyes couldn't process how fast she was to grab the Commander's gun and point it right at him. Everyone stood still waiting for the pink hedgehog to show some type of action.

"So it was you who did it ... five years ago in the ARK. Rouge you killed him," Amy was trying to contain the tears and speak clearly. Already feeling betrayed and hurt, she didn't know what she was capable of or if she will regret the decisions she was about to take.

"Amy, put that gun down-"

"Say it ... SAY IT!," Amy interrupted Rouge, she didn't care about anything else but to hear the words come out of her lips.

"Amy, stop this," Shadow still couldn't process the whole situation. He was worried about the Commander and he didn't want the other Agents to hurt Amy. One single mistake and she could be done for.

"Amy, what's going on? Why you care so much?" Rouge felt like a panic attack could strike at any second now. The last thing she thought she would be doing today was pointing a gun at Amy's head.

"SAY IT! SAY THAT YOU SHOT AND KILLED THE ULTIMATE LIFE FORM! SONIC THE HED-"

"YES, YES I DID!"

Rouge finally admitted it and the whole room kept quiet. Amy had finally let a tear slide, still processing the whole concept of her reality. Rouge continued, finally breaking down.

"It's not like I wanted to... I didn't want to but the Commander order me to do so! I was young, stupid and I really needed the money. So Amy, please ... I don't know why this is so important to you but-"

"So, it was this bastard's fault ..." Amy made more pressure against the Commander's neck, already thinking about the unspeakable. "No, the Commander who gave us the order died last year," the female Agent who told the story before responded to Amy. "Is that true?," Amy inquire, looking directly at her.

"You can look at the files if you want."

"... All of this time wasted ... I could have avenge Sonic's death but instead I focused on being miserable," Amy said as she dropped the gun and step aside from the Commander. The other agents still having their guns pointed at her.

"Should we arrest the pink hedge-"

"But you know ... I am also glad that this is happening. Now I don't have to get my hands dirty... No, I am going to enjoy watching all of you die. Because all of you were stupid enough to kill someone innocent and failed to actually capture the Ultimate Life Form ..." Amy looked at each and every one of them in the eyes. Her attitude was a strange one and at this point, they knew that she had more information than they thought.

"Amy ... What do you mean?" Shadow asked her, as he puts his gun down as well.

"I was there five years ago ... Sonic wasn't the Ultimate Life Form. He was in charge of the protection of it ... The Ultimate Life Form is still alive."

"You must tell us who is it then! If he is still alive, he can help us defeat the Black Arms!" The Commander order Amy, he pointed his gun right at her forehead touching it forcefully. However, Amy just stayed quiet, looking directly at the Commander's eyes.

"WHO IS IT?!"

"ITS ME!"

Amy yelled and she quickly punches the Commander in the face. She could hear gunshots being shot at her. In all honesty, she couldn't feel anything, She just saw how the agents kept shooting at her, all of them in awe. The only ones who just stood still was Rouge, who seemed to have hit a breaking point and Shadow who still couldn't process the whole idea. Bullets ricocheting off her body, Amy just waited for the shots to stop and when they did, she could only appreciate the faces of the agents, totally in shock.

"Good luck saving the world."

With nothing more to say, Amy Rose, the Ultimate Life Form walked away.

. . .

"I knew you will be here!"

Amy turned around and saw Shadow smiling down to her. "What are you doing here?" Amy added as she looks down to the ocean. Right now she was sitting on top of a cliff. At the bottom, the waves crashed against the rocks.

"I wanted to make sure you were alright."

"I am, so you can leave now."

"I don't really have much to do right now." Shadow said as he sat down next to Amy. Letting his feet hang on the cliff, he looked down and quickly regretted it. It was a very tall cliff after all and falling down will mean death. A few seconds passed and none of them talked. Shadow knew he didn't have much time and decided to get right at it.

"Amy-"

"I won't help them Shadow ... If you want to stay alive, I recommend you stay by my side," Amy said, still not looking at Shadow in the eyes. For some reason, a deep sense of sadness overtook her the moment Shadow brought up the topic. Shadow really hoped his next words could reach to her.

"Amy ... I know that people fight over the most trivial things. Some people may be selfish. But they're basically good. If they try their best and never give up on their wishes ... They always have a reason to be happy. That's why you should help them out! Saving them is a good thing! Amy, I beg you, please do it for them, give them a chance."

"Give them a chance"

"Give them a chance, Amy," Sonic look outside the window from the Ark where Amy and he could see the whole blue planet at its best.

"Give them a chance? They kill each other ... there's nothing to give a chance to," Amy never really understood why Sonic was always so interested in the blue planet. For her, the Earth was just filled with destruction.

"I know that the Earth may not be the perfect planet but .. .there's people and Mobians down there who are worth fighting for. Everything has a balance and just like there's bad, there's good. Earth is not the exception and besides ... I love running in their amazing land fields and looking at endless oceans ... and its blue just like me!" Sonic said smiling in which Amy laughed a little bit at his remark.

"But in all honesty, Amy ... Never forget who you are ...because that will be your reason to live." said Sonic. "Never forget who you are."

"Shadow?"

Shadow was glad that after a minute of Amy not responding, he finally heard his name. "Ye-yes?", Shadow got a bit scare and amazed. He had never seen so much determination on someone's eyes. Amy turned around and looked at him. If looks could kill, Shadow would have been dead long ago.

"Give me the Chaos Emeralds."

. . . . . . .

Can you feel life movin' through your mind? Ooooh, looks like it came back for more, yeah, yeah, yeah! Can you feel time slippin' down your spine? Ooooh, you try and try to ignore, yeah!

Amy walked slowly through the city. Only the 'clicks' and 'clacks' of the Chaos Emeralds hitting each other in her bag could be heard. Watching the buildings of the city burn slowly into the flames. Cars destroyed and in flames, some still intact. Shadow watching from afar in one of those. Trying to see if he could help Amy in anyway. Scared at the fact that Amy told him that she had actually never used the Chaos Emeralds before.

But you can hardly swallow Your fears and pain When you can't help but follow It puts you right back where you came

Amy saw 'Black Arms' approaching her. They all seem like formidable fighters. Fast, strong and smart. She could hear soldiers try to shoot at them, just for the aliens to not be affected by them at all. Not a scratch nor pain they showed. Amy began to really wonder if she was capable of defeating them all. But, she had no other choice. She had to do it, for her, for Sonic ... for Shadow.

(Live and learn!) Hanging on the edge of tomorrow (Live and learn!) From the works of yesterday (Live and learn!) If you beg or if you borrow (Live and learn!) You may never find your way

Amy ran towards them, jumping from car to car to confuse her enemies. She delivers her first punch to the black creature. It ended up crashing against a car, making it explode. She didn't have enough time, and as more Black Arms approached her, the faster she will get. Kick after kick, punch after punch. She was successfully hitting them but that still didn't make any effect on them.

Can you feel life tangle you up inside? Yeah, now you're face down on the floor, oh!

More and more, probably the whole unite in the ship began to approach her. She knew they were detecting the Chaos Emeralds that were in her bag. She began to panic, she had never felt so anxious before. Her mind became full of doubts and she stopped fighting. She felt down to the ground, feeling how the Black Arms tried to get the Chaos Emeralds. She hugged the bag with all of her might, feeling the kicking and punching of the black creatures.

"Is the Ultimate Life Form ready to give up?"

"Sonic ... I am sorry." Amy whispered to herself.

"Amy ... never forget who you are."

But you can't save your sorrow You've paid in trade When you can't help but follow It puts you right back where you came

Shadow was about to jump to try and save Amy. However, he stops mid-track seeing how a golden light breached through into the sky. All the Black Arms backing away and some falling to the ground, blinded by the strong light source. Some began to run away and Shadow fell to his knees. Not only impressed but shocked at the immeasurable energy radiating in the air. Watching Amy floating in the air, looking deeply at her now red eyes; Shadow convinced himself that Amy wasn't the Ultimate Life Form ... But she was a golden goddess.

(Live and learn!) Hanging on the edge of tomorrow (Live and learn!) From the works of yesterday (Live and learn!) If you beg or if you borrow (Live and learn!) You may never find your way

There was no stopping her now. She was fast, strong, her body moved on its own. Attacking, teletransporting, throwing energy blasts, spears. Everything came to her like magic. Like the whole world was at her disposal ... and it was. Her attacks were working, the black creatures no longer stood from the ground. She knew that their bones were broken enough. Her enemies were running away in fear now.

There's a face searching far, so far and wide There's a place where you dream you'd never find Hold on to what if, Hold on to what if!

"Never forget who you are"

Amy began to fly around the Black Arms, making sure they will run in fear. Never had she felt this sure, this confident. She was going to let the Universe know who she was:

"I am Amy Rose. I am the union of ideals dark and benign but ultimately built in the name of love. I am the Ultimate Life Form. I am the protector of Mobius. Run home to your master and tell him. This is who I am."

(Live and learn!) Hanging on the edge of tomorrow (Live and learn!) From the works of yesterday (Live and learn!) If you beg or if you borrow (Live and learn!) You may never find your way

Amy watched how the Black Arms and its ship took off and disappeared in less than an hour. An hour in which Shadow still couldn't process at how amazing Amy was ... and also a bit terrified. After more soldiers and firefighters came into the city to star the reconstruction right away, Amy went directly towards Shadow.

"I guess this is goodbye," Amy said as she looked up to the clear sky.

"Wait, what?," Shadow asked, panicking a bit.

"I am moving," Amy said as she let go of the Chaos Power running through her body, making her go back to normal.

"Where? I'll go with you," Shadow said almost screaming.

"I am moving ... somewhere in the Universe."

"What?"

"The Black Arms know that all seven Chaos Emeralds are here, they will come back again ... and next time with a whole army. I need to go and find a suitable place to hide each Chaos Emerald."

"How are you going do that? You need all seven Chaos Emeralds to transform."

"I am going to be taking the ARK. It hasn't been used for a while, but I know I can make it work," Amy reassured him. "I'll still go with you," Shadow was determined to let Amy know that no matter what, he was going with her. Whether she liked it or not.

"You can't come with me is dangerous ... I can't put in risk the hedgehog I care for the most."

Shadow suddenly felt his cheeks go red at her comment and shyly looked down to the ground. "Besides if you go with me who is going to chase Rouge?" Amy smiled a little.

"I'll ... I'll stop chasing after her."

"Really? For me?"

"Amy ... it doesn't matter where in the Universe you are ... I'll chase after you! Besides, don't you remember? A couple of hours ago you told me that if I wanted to stay alive I should stay with you so-" Shadow began to mumble and fast. Amy knew that he was nervous at this point and she didn't want to make him feel that way.

"Shadow ... thank you."

Shadow stopped looking at the ground and looked directly at her eyes. His heartbeat was racing faster and faster, he thought that he was going to explode due to all the emotions going through his body. The sun was shining on Amy. Although she was a bit dusty and scratched, Shadow thought that Amy was the most beautiful hedgehog in this world. There was nothing going through his head, only her, her eyes, her pure smile ... just Amy. That's when he knew.

"... Catch me if you can."

At that, Amy Chaos Control herself out of there. Shadow smiled as he looked up to the sky knowing exactly where Amy will be. And although he may not know where she was going, he knew for a fact that they will meet each other once again. He will chase for her ... until end of the universe.

(Live and learn!) Hanging on the edge of tomorrow (Live and learn!) From the works of yesterday (Live and learn!) If you beg or if you borrow (Live and learn!) You may never find your way

. . . . . . .

A/N: 4K words...wow. I hope this is somewhat what you wanted. This was such a good story to write and honestly inspired me to write a new story. One in which Amy travels through the Universe fighting, trying to look for a mighty weapons (her hammer) hiding the Chaos Emeralds. And of course, Shadow chasing after her along the way, trying to make her fall in love with him. (Still, don't know if I should do it tho lol) I am so sorry if this doesn't have a lot of romance or if this is not what you wanted. I can always re-write if you want lol. Honestly, thank you so much for this beautiful prompt.

#shadow and amy #Shadamy #shadowxamy #shadow the hedgehog #shadamy au #shadamy fanfiction #shadow x amy #shadow #amy #amyrose #Amy Rose #sonic the hedgehog #sonic fanfiction #sonic fanfic #sonic au

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gayregis · 4 years ago

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I read “A Little Sacrifice” and now I am a MESS

fun fact: i read the books out of order on purpose because i am very focused on instant gratifaction, so i read all of the hansa parts first and then went back to all of the rest of the books, thus i read the assault on castle stygga before a little sacrifice

so when i backtracked and read a little sacrifice, i had a very spiteful look on my face, like sapkowski fucking did it again, huh...

a little sacrifice has a lot of depth and it has a beautifully written sad ending but the first time i read it (with the fan translation from reddit) i didnt quite know what was being translated and what wasnt so i didnt know if i was missing any context, plus when i read, i skim and then go back a thousand times to reread it if i liked it, so i was just extremely confused as to what the fuck the relationship geralt and essi was supposed to be like, and then you get to the end and it’s like well i guess their relationship doesnt even matter after all because she’ll never show up again

also i remember being physically nauseous at reading that essi couldn’t be over 18, especially since i was like 17-18 when i read it a couple of years ago. yeah that basically was the closest i ever got to leaving the witcher fandom entirely, i had like this whole conversation with myself at 2 AM about the decision to stay in the fandom if i have to deal with this being canon, the solution i have come up with for it is that i simply do not acknowledge that part as canon and essi is like 25 in my mind and also she never fell in love with geralt

on one hand i think the story of unrequited love/doomed romance is interesting solely because it is something that you’re not meant to be like “aww cute i hope they get together” at, it’s a terrible fucking relationship in context. and geralt mentions this multiple times because he’s So Monogamous all he wants is yennefer, and this was an interesting way to develop your main romance, sapkowski does this like ten times in the series, where geralt and yennefer are fucking miles apart but somehow their romance gets developed during this period. i think it’s the embodiment of “absence makes the heart grow fonder” and it’s something that realy flew over CDPR’s heads, like they didn’t have a “hot and cold” / “on again off again” relationship, they both had a lot of issues relating to intimacy and committment and self-image which prevented them from true intimacy even though they had become very vulnerable with one another

on the other essi’s purpose in this story is literally just to fall in love with the main character and then die. like. i was genuinely mad because it wasn’t even a valorous death for a symbolic reason, such as with the hansa who die to demonstrate that an exchange of lives has occured. essi just dies because it’s sad and there’s not much place for her later in the series. i was genuinely mad because she had this really great relationship with dandelion and seeing that expanded on was something i felt we got cheated out of. all of the geralt and essi scenes we got i think should have been proportioned in a 1:2 ratio with scenes with her and dandelion / her and dandelion and geralt as a group, because she really didn’t get enough development of her own but had a lot of potential.

plus sapkowski was just like “actually dandelion isn’t always incredibly self-absorbed and blinded by arrogance, let me demonstrate situations in which he cares deeply about the people involved and acts appropriately” and then immediately tossed that concept out of the window until we get to the end of time of contempt/roll into baptism of fire. like you’re really going to throw away the potential for depth and development for one of the main characters that’s the constant contrast to your main character. idk it was just nice to see how dandelion’s character changed to be more mature with essi in the room bc that’s his little sister ;w;

also can i just say the subplot with sh’eenaz and duke agloval annoyed me to no end. the message of the main plot is supposed to be that a little sacrifice for love is actually a really large sacrifice, and geralt refuses to hold any resentment against yennefer anymore because he realizes that she has sacrificed a lot for him and he hasn’t in return:

“A little sacrifice isn’t enough here; you’d have to sacrifice everything, and there’d still be no way of knowing if that would be enough (...) Now I know that a little sacrifice is a hell of a lot.”

but then sh’eenaz loses her fishy tail for duke agloval ON TOP of all of the sacrifices she has made for him before? i can’t deal with this, i call bullshit. the duke has NO redeeming qualities and i still can’t see them as a couple because he was such a dick. so this relationship being part of what demonstrates “a little sacrifice” really just serves to muddle the message of the short story

i have an idea to rewrite the whole thing so to make essi x sh’eenaz real (there is potential in this ship) and the message clearer. i think there should be no romance between essi and geralt because it’s weird and for a character who is basically just Younger & Female Dandelion to immediately fall hard and fast in love with geralt is eye-rolling. i get that it’s about the message and themes of the story and not about the characters, i understand this, the characters actually matter very little, but the message would even be clearer if sh’eenaz had left the duke for essi, because it would show that sh’eenaz has already sacrificed, she’s already done so much, and because the duke never reciprocated, she left him and found love with a better person. and that could be geralt’s wakeup call that a little sacrifice really is a hell of a lot, it would send him hightailing to apologize to yennefer or at least communicate to her that he appreciates her sacrifices that she has made for him, because if you don’t appreciate the sacrifices, you will lose your loved ones.

also ofc i’d involve gerlion and all of this because i feel like there is this weird, buried trail of gerlion vs geryennefer running throughout the sword of destiny, here is my “im looking at this too closely” analysis of the path of how gerlion and geryennefer both get to exist:

bounds of reason - geralt is of course still on good terms with dandelion, but needs to mend things with yennefer, and he manages to do so by the end of the story, also dandelion and yennefer are mildly antagonistic to each other (i also cross out That Comment/Joke/Scene from my mind just fyi, its really just horrible and out of place so i cant consider it as canon)

a shard of ice - geralt and yennefer still have feelings for each other but end up separated by the end of the short story because of insecurities relating to their capacities for love and their relationships with others: there is this contrast between yennefer and istredd, which is a long relationship of friendship and istredd is someone yennefer goes to when she needs security that she will be loved, geralt is someone in contrast that she is very passionately in love with and isn’t really thinking about longtime reliability with

eternal flame - geralt and yennefer have called it quits for now, dandelion also just broke up with his girlfriend, geralt and dandelion meet in a city and decide to get smashed together. that situation alone calls for a single eyes emoji. but id like to point out the parallel here between yen/istredd and geralt/dandelion, dandelion is someone geralt goes to for security in that he will be loved, that his company will be liked and appreciated. also one of the stupidest things ive come up with is that “eternal flame” does mean some romantic interest who’s been in your life seemingly forever and you’ll always love, and the story IS called... ok anyways.... at the end of the story we are presented with this weirdly emotional scene as dudu changes into dandelion because from being geralt for a few seconds, he knows his thoughts and knows that geralt will never use violence against him & that he’ll let him go... this is a very interesting scene because of how comic the rest of the story is in tone

a little sacrifice [rewritten] - so my take on this would be that geralt and dandelion have unresolved and unacknowledged closeness and it’s eating at the both of them. geralt is just annoying because he doesn’t think he’s ‘normal’ enough for love, basically nothing really needs to change except the last 3 to 4 chapters... they still have the argument in bed, they still go to investigate the dragon’s teeth together. just instead of essi randomly confessing the all-consuming, obsessive romantic feelings for geralt that she developed in less than 35 pages, dandelion and geralt are the ones sitting down just discussing what is going on with their relationship that has been developed in-depth for i guess five short stories now (including the voice of reason) and around 15 to 20 in-universe years that have not had any affect on their ages because that’s narrative for you. instead of geralt having to console a lovesick girl crying over him and thinking that he can’t make this little sacrifice, the theme of sacrifice for love is carried over by a discussion of how much they have already sacrificed for one another over the years, and contributes to the redux theme of “sacrifice for love needs to be reciprocated.” simultaneously, after sh’eenaz leaves the duke for a better option, geralt realizes the meaning of a little sacrifice and realizes how he has acted poorly towards yennefer, and seeks to make things right with her again. THUS we can have both ships and they wont conflict.

the sword of destiny - holy shit none of this romance drama shit matters AFTER ALL. actually it’s the CHILD which has been important all of this time, and it’s time to be responsible or invite doom across the threshold... ah wait okay doom has already entered the house. doom is eating tostitos and bean dip.

something more - following consequences of the end of the sword of destiny. obviously about ciri but yennefer and dandelion also have incredibly significant scenes in this short story and i think it’s just to represent that they’re also important in geralt’s life

beginning of blood of elves - yennefer and dandelion actually have a good conversation about everything including geralt and they basically matrue up and agree to never be hostile towards each other ever again. they both see that the others give him something that they cannot, and they’re not in competition with each other at all

tl;dr

#ask #thank you for this ask i know i just went off the deep end and this ask was more (probably) about That Ending #but i have thought about this for a very long time LIKE... FIX THE CANON...#a little sacrifice #the witcher #geralt #essi daven #dandelion #gerlion #boppinrobin

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ava-candide · 5 years ago

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T'aint right, t’aint fairas Prudie, the Poldarks’ housekeeper, would say. Poldark is nearing its end; let the Sunday-night-swoon audience rend its garments. It returns next month for a fifth series then that’s your lot: game over. No more shots broodily staring out to sea, no more dramatic galloping at full pelt across Cornish clifftops making me worry for that horse. But, at least, a rest for the poor overworked six-pack of Aidan Turner, whose performance as Ross Poldark has held thousands of middle-aged ladies in thrall.

And here I am sitting 2ft away from him in a tiny room at the British Film Institute in London, a man whose abdominal muscles are the most “celebrated”, by which I mean “leered over”, in Britain. “You’re a ‘hot property’, ” I tell him as if he somehow hasn’t noticed his own naked torso appearing incessantly in every newspaper and magazine since 2015. “Do you feel like a hot property?” He looks horrified. “No, I don’t,” he says, smiling through a bushy black beard. “I don’t think I’d want to know anyone who [called themselves] a hot property. That gives me the heebie-jeebies.” Good answer. Anyone who refers to themselves as a hot property is obviously a massive tool.

I assume the beard (the Daily Mail said it made him “unrecognisable”, but he is totally recognisable) is for a part in an “exciting” new project, which, he says, involves working with a director he admires but, alas, he can’t tell me what it is. “I’m so sorry, it’s boring; it sucks,” he apologises (he means having to be secretive, not the production, just to be clear).

So how does he feel to have pulled off Ross’s tricorn hat and ravished Demelza (Eleanor Tomlinson) in that small Nampara bed for the last time? Turner, 36, has spent about a third of his working life on Poldark. Does it feel the right time to drop the curtain? “It feels storywise that this is the right time. It just seemed the right time in every possible way. It has been an incredible journey for all of us . . . but it’s a long shoot. I think we’re all ready to do other things.” I say I hope he had a suitably tearful farewell with Seamus, Ross’s trusted black horse who has built up such a fan-base that he is known as “famous Seamus”. Turner became very close to him, sometimes having a nap on his back between scenes. He thinks they have a similar personality: “We’re both Irish.” So how was the big goodbye?

“It’s kinda sad,” Turner says. “I was gutted.” For a terrible moment I’m imagining a glue factory, but it turns out he never said farewell to the horse. “With everything else when the job was wrapping up I remember the last time I wore the boots and the last time I wore the tricorn hat and the jacket, and the last time I did a scene with Eleanor in the kitchen. And I really marked it because I wanted to remember it. With Seamus I thought I was going to see him again; but then a scene got pulled we were going to use him for . . . so I never got to say a proper goodbye. I was really gutted.” Seamus lives in York. Might he go and see him? “Maybe I will. I should drop Mark, the trainer, an email and pop down and say hello and take him for a run-out.” A reunion? There lies a payday for the paparazzi.

This is the first of the BBC series not adapted directly from the Winston Graham novels (first dramatised by the BBC in 1975 starring Robin Ellis). There was a gap of ten years in the books and Debbie Horsfield, who has written every episode of the five series, has bridged the gap between novels seven and eight using information gleaned from the later works, to keep the characters at their present ages. The Graham estate thinks she has a great affinity with the novels. It is a strong first episode, with new characters and suggests, shall we say, that Elizabeth’s death is affecting the mental health of George Warleggan (played splendidly by Jack Farthing) more than we realised. After our conversation there is a Q&A and a screening of the episode at the BFI, but Turner says he thinks he’ll duck that bit because he feels uncomfortable watching it with an audience. “I’m not very good at that. I find it a bit strange.” He is quite shy and endearingly modest for a man so lusted after. At one point some traffic noise erupts outside and he jumps up to close the window for the sake of my Dictaphone which, trust me, not every actor would do.

How boring has he found the enormous fuss and objectification over his six-pack, prompted by a famous scything scene? “I get asked a lot. It’s par for the course,” he says. “It certainly doesn’t irritate me; it’s not something I regret doing, so it’s not something I ever care to avoid talking about. I just don’t find it that interesting.”

Turner, who was born in a suburban town near Dublin and attended drama college there, probably first became well known to British TV audiences in Being Human, after which Peter Jackson cast him as a dwarf in The Hobbit. But it was Ross Poldark who has made him famous. He says he’ll most likely miss Ross —“I love him; he’s a flawed character; he’s real” — though it’s early days. Is there anything he won’t miss? He seems flummoxed for a moment. “It’s good that I have to struggle a bit for that actually,” he says. “There’s nothing I hated and despised on the show. I’m used to early mornings. I’d love to be able to give you a bit of gossip but there’s nothing . . . Maybe living in rented accommodation.”

There have been reports of rows between him and Eleanor Tomlinson on set, usually over protecting their own characters in the show. She has joked that they squabble like an old married couple. “I don’t think we fall out often and certainly nothing serious. If there was ever any tension between us it was purely to do with work because we care a lot,” he says. “These conversations came later, the last two or three years. As we became more invested we felt we had more to lose because the show was successful, but it was always very professional. Eleanor’s an intelligent girl, conscientious, polite and articulate, so it never got into any screaming matches or anything. I was always really interested in what she had to say.” He starts laughing. “And most of the time she was right.”

I wonder if he minds the level of fame that has come with Poldark. Recently the actor Richard Madden (Bodyguard) revealed that he deliberately wore the same clothes and carried the same cup of green juice every day in the same way so the paparazzi couldn’t get a different picture and would lose interest. Turner says he tried that, but the photographer waiting outside the theatre (he was performing in The Lieutenant of Inishmore, for which he got rave reviews and a Stage debut award ) told him he could change the colour of his T-shirt in a heartbeat. “And the next day he showed me! He changed my T-shirt to pink and the colour of my jeans.” But he doesn’t mind the attention from the public. “People are usually very nice and polite. I like to see the best in people.”

He rarely reads reviews or his own interviews, never uses social media and is guarded about his private life, namely his American girlfriend, Caitlin Fitzgerald, with whom he was pictured recently on a red carpet (they met on the set of a film they both starred in: The Man Who Killed Hitler and Then Bigfoot). He has also been photographed walking her dog, Charlie. When I mention Fitzgerald he raises both palms: “I can’t say anything about that,” he says, again apologetically. I imagine all those swooning fans would rather not hear about it anyway. For the record, he says he splits his time between London, Dublin and New York. Does he fancy big Hollywood films? “Wherever the work is,” he says.

He believes this fifth series is the most exciting yet and promises the issue of Valentine’s parentage will be a big story (the little boy who plays him and may be Ross’s secret son looks spookily like him, right down to the hairdo). “It’s a great story for George Warleggan; Jack is brilliant. He’s amazing, a real talent.” By the end will the audience be sad or happy, Aidan? “I don’t know,” he says cryptically. “Some people might be happy; some people might be delighted.”

But it might not be game over, actually. He does not completely rule out returning to it in ten years’ time when he is old enough to play the more mature, wrinklier Ross (Horsfield has said “never say never”). However, he says a lot of things would need to be in place. All the actors would need to be available, the Graham estate would have to agree, and most of all the audience would still need to want it, which is the most important point. Television moves on so fast these days. “It would be silly, though, to say that it’s completely off the table,” he says.

So was he emotional at the end as it all wound down? “That last day I think it was just myself and Eleanor in the bedroom at Nampara, which was lovely,” he says. “It felt like the right way to finish and probably the right place as well. Yeah, it was quite emotional.” They still had the work to finish, the call sheet to complete, but “it was lovely just to be with her”. Afterwards, when it was done, he says it was — and he searches for the right phrase — “a bit shocking. It just feels surreal because it’s over.” For him, yes, but not for us. Not quite yet.

#aidanpics

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lightsandlostbells · 6 years ago

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Skam season 3, episode 10 (season finale) reaction

Finally I got this done! Sorry it took such a long time to wrap up this season, I’ve just been tired and busy over the last month. And, you know, maybe I wasn’t in a rush to say goodbye to S3 again.

Thank you for everyone who has been reading these and commenting, liking, reblogging, etc. I have gotten so many wonderfully kind remarks on these posts, and I loved hearing people’s own thoughts on their S3 viewing experience or their interpretation of the story. Not to sound overly dramatic, but it made my day to hear from you. Also, I am aware these posts are not short, lmao, so thank you for taking the time to read my ramblings.

Also want to thank @skamenglishsubs for doing the subtitled episodes and for contributing clarifications on Norwegian language!

Episode 10

Clip 1 - Minutt for minutt

This is my favorite clip in all of Skam.

O Helga Natt is breath-taking, cinematic, and spectacular. I cried buckets when I saw it the first time, but Minutt for minutt is the clip that puts tears in my eyes every single time I watch it. It is simple, honest, and kind. It’s in this clip that I truly feel like everything is going to be okay.

If O Helga Natt is a parallel scene to 21:21, its mirror in structure and symbolism, then Minutt for minutt is a parallel to Hjernen er alene. In both clips we open on Isak and Even in bed Saturday morning, and the camera doesn’t leave the bed except with the presence of an outsider to the Evak sphere (Eskild in Hjernen er alene, Sonja in Minutt for minutt). In both clips Isak’s bed is a safe zone, a place of comfort for both the boys. In Hjernen er alene we are introduced to Even’s depressive tendencies via hints; in Minutt for minutt we confront them head-on. In Hjernen er alene, Even seems to be the one doing more of the comfort-giving role, holding Isak and stroking his back as Isak talks about what lead him to move into the flat, while Isak doesn’t really understand Even’s hints at depression; In Minutt for minutt it’s Isak’s turn to take on the role of comforting and holding Even, aware of what Even is going through. In Hjernen er alene, Even asks if he can stay with Isak forever; in Minutt for minutt, Isak’s lesson learned is not to think about the future, or forever, but to take things one day at at time.

Does anyone else get chills as the piano starts over the black screen, before we even get to Isak and Even? It’s so haunting.

The song, “Lantern” by The White Birch, is so beautiful and sets the tone of the scene perfectly. It’s gentle, like resting in bed, watching someone sleep. It’s not too forceful or overwhelmingly powerful, but calm and careful. This is one of my favorite soundtrack choices in the series.

There’s one lyric in particular that encapsulates part of what I love about this scene:

I prayed for newborn skies / to lift me up so high

What I think I love about this song choice, and specifically about this lyric, is that it’s not even about everything being okay, or Isak being in love with Even and standing by him. It is about hope. Praying for things to get better. Hoping they will. But it’s a prayer, not a promise. And it’s that sentiment that really moves me. Because of course Isak will be here for Even, of course Isak will try to make things right, as best as he can. But when it comes down to it, there is no guarantee that things will be okay. Everything may fall apart. What matters, what makes this scene so incredibly moving that I’m tearing up just typing about it, is having full knowledge that failure is an option, but believing it’s still worth it to try anyway. It’s worth it to keep a vigil over the person that you love as they go through the dark hours. There’s something very selfless and brave about it.

Just as an aside, I enjoyed how you saw the lighting change at various points in the clip to show the sun coming up - that makes sense with the literal passage of time, obviously, but also as a reflection of the song’s lyrics. Hoping for those newborn skies, waiting for the sun to come out. Getting through the darkness.

We cut from the black screen to Isak in bed, facing Even, eyes open, while Even sleeps. That one image says it all. If you were wondering what happened after O Helga Natt, Isak took Even home and they went to bed and Isak watched over him. He’s determined to make sure Even is okay.

I remember people were really relieved that Even was finally getting some sleep, after dealing with insomnia all season (his manic episode, as well as “I don’t sleep cuz sleep is the cousin to death”) and then other people explained that no, it’s not really that great. It’s not just about Even getting some rest, it’s that he’s depressed so he doesn’t have the energy to do more than sleep.

Sleep is such a recurring image this season, too, something we see both Isak and Even struggle with, for different reasons. We’ve seen Isak sleep, especially when he had Even in his bed, but so far we haven’t seen Even sleep at all. I think Isak got a lot of peace at certain points when his relationship with Even seemed to be on a good path (not to mention when issues with his family and friends weren’t so fraught), but Even’s big issue has been hanging over his head all season, until this point. It makes sense we’ve never seen him asleep.

I love that they’re so still, Even because he’s asleep, obviously, but Isak is just lying there watching Even. So steadfast. Like he’s so relieved to have him back, and aware of how lucky he is, but also aware that he needs to be there for him, that the hard part isn’t over.

Similar to the hotel scene, we cut to black again, to signify the passage of time, or periods of rest (Isak closes his eyes in the first shot like he’s drifting off). But we cut back to the bed when Even rolls over, as if that startled Isak back to full consciousness.

When Even rolls over, some of his back is exposed, and Isak tries to stretch the blanket and smooth it down so that Even is covered. That little gesture punches a hole in my soul. It’s so small, and like, it’s not even gonna work with the way that comforter is positioned, but he has to do this one tiny thing, anything to make Even more comfortable. It’s so nurturing and attentive.

Then we black out again and when we come back, Isak has used himself to cover the exposed part of Even’s back where the comforter won’t rest. He’s spooning Even to keep him warm. One of my favorite images. One of the smallest gestures and one of the most meaningful.

We get Isak lying on his back looking at Even and holding his phone to his chest as the song ends. He’s clearly considering contacting someone, and soon Isak texts Sonja. He’s very polite, considering where they left off in the hotel clip. He’s being responsible, knowing that Even’s parents might be worried about him, especially since Even is depressed - I mean, who knows what Even was doing or what happened earlier in the week? I hope that Even didn’t also leave his parents suicide notes or anything - I doubt it, honestly. I think if he had, they’d be a lot more frantic, Sonja would know and would be calling Isak.

Isak also apologizes and says that he’s sorry if Even isn’t well because of him. First of all, ouch that Isak would even think this? I know why he would, Sonja implied as much, that Isak was making Even’s condition worse, and Even’s text message suggests that some of this sadness is related to Isak even if it’s not necessarily Isak’s fault, if you get me. It stings. But also - consider reading that from Sonja’s POV. I think now that she’s had time to cool down from the hotel incident, she might realize that her words to Isak were harsher than necessary. And possibly she’s realized since then that Even really does love Isak. She’s had time to think about it or observe Even this week and realize that it’s not just mania causing those feelings. So reading that, she might understand that she should apologize to Isak.

Look how small Even looks in bed, by the way. This whole scene is such a turnaround from the charming, confident Norwegian James Dean we have seen previously in the season, the guy that got Isak’s (and our) attention in the first place. We’ve gotten glimpses of Even’s more vulnerable side, but nothing compared to what we see here and in O Helga Natt.

After sending the text, Isak just lies there with the phone on his chest, as if he wants it to be there at a moment’s notice in case he hears back from her. When the phone starts to ring, Isak gets out of bed. Again, the only time the camera leaves the closeup of the two of them in bed is when an outsider bursts the Evak bubble. (Also, Isak goes into the hall doesn’t shut the bedroom door; it’s like he wants to be aware of Even at all times and be there for him the moment he starts to wake up.)

The acting between Tarjei and Theresa on the phone is really good. I don’t know if how they recorded this conversation, if Julie had them act off each other or if they recorded separately, but I think they nailed the tone of it, especially at the beginning. This is an awkward conversation, but not an angry one. Isak is talking to someone who lashed out at him. Sonja is talking to someone she lashed out at, and is regretting it. They didn’t end on a good note last time. Plus, you know, Even dumped Sonja for Isak. Still that factor. Automatic awkward.

Just a note: Theresa had a tough role this season. For much of it she was playing the obstacle, the person you yell at to go away when she shows up in episode 2 and interrupts the developing Evak relationship (well, maybe not you personally, but I’ve seen my fair share of Skam reactions on YouTube). We don’t know much about Sonja, Even paints her in a negative light, she’s not the one we’re rooting for. So in a lot of ways, that was a pretty thankless task. However, I think she did a good job with the material she was given, and in this last scene of hers manages to give her character a lot of humanity.

Listen to that awkward “hi” from both of them. Sonja sounds tired or resigned. She explains that Even sent his parents a text message. So she’s in touch with his parents. I wonder if Even disappeared Friday night (or earlier that day) and it got them worried, so they were already texting about it. Because otherwise I’m not sure how Sonja would know so quickly that Even sent his parents a text. Maybe if Even texted her and said don’t worry, I let my parents know where I am. (There’s just a ton that I want to know about this relationship between Even and Sonja - I don’t ship it in the slightest, and obviously it’s a mess in its current state, but it’s so important to Even’s backstory and his state of mind going into this season that I’d love a further peek at it.)

Now with the issue of the text message out of the way, that actually should be the end of the conversation, no? The technical business is sorted out. They could just ignore the emotional bits. But Sonja says she called to apologize for last time. Isak sounds genuinely surprised about this. I really think he didn’t harbor any resentment toward her at all? In fact, I don’t recall Isak blaming Sonja for anything during this season. At most he’s sad when she’s with Even, and I guess he might resent her as someone who has what he can’t, but it’s not like he hates her personally. And he didn’t seem upset that she said what she did because of her.

But he says it’s fine so quickly. She says she didn’t mean to get angry with him, that it wasn’t his fault at all, and he says he understands that she was just worried. See, this is why I like Isak. Despite his rough demeanor, he listens to people. He has empathy.

And it’s why I like Sonja, too, despite her being a minor character and despite her flaws. She got that she took out her feelings in the heat of the moment on Isak. Even though Isak did wrong her by cheating with Even (and I mean, that’s mostly on Even but I’m of the opinion that if you hook up with someone you know has a significant other, you are doing wrong by that other person, you shouldn’t do that to someone) she still apologized for the part where she had faltered.

Sonja is just kind of like, Mm, after Isak says that he understands she was worried. I think this is a tough conversation, obviously. She probably doesn’t really want to do it for various reasons - it’s not fun to apologize, especially over something so delicate, and she’s talking to her ex boyfriend’s new boyfriend, the person he chose over her. But she makes a point of saying it’s not Isak’s fault Even is depressed, as Isak suggested in his text. He’s bipolar. She really sounds resigned, in my opinion. She has dealt with Even’s bipolar disorder for a while, she has taken care of him, for better or worse. But she wasn’t able to fix him, and now she’s having to let him go. Still, this is kindness from her. She’s not letting Isak blame himself for something she knows isn’t accurate.

I think Sonja really wants to get off the phone at this point, since it’s probably really hard for her on multiple levels, but Isak asks her if he should get Even to his parents. Right now, through this episode, he’s thinking about what’s best for Even. He’s not going to force Even to do what Isak thinks is best for him, but he’s still got that in mind.

I don’t know exactly when Isak made the connection between his comment about not wanting to be around mentally ill people and Even then breaking things off with him and later hiding that he was bipolar from Isak - I’m sure he figured it out. But I think Isak is also keeping that moment in mind this episode. I think he realized he had been shitty about that, and he’s trying to make up for it. He has to prove that he’s staying by Even’s side and that he was wrong, he’s not better without mentally ill people in his life.

Sonja says that she thinks it’s best for Even to be with Isak. You know … think about the implications of that statement. A week ago she was telling Isak to stay away. I wonder if in the week that’s followed, she’s seen Even, possibly when he was very depressed, and realized Even really did love Isak and want to be with him. I wonder if she’s thought about Even’s behavior when he was with Isak. I wonder if she’s reconsidered not just Even and Isak’s relationship, now that she’s not stressed and worried in a moment of crisis, but Isak as well. I mean, here Isak is contacting her and telling her about Even’s whereabouts. He’s being responsible, and he’s looking out for Even. He’s not just this irresponsible kid who’s making Even smoke weed or who’s so helpless and ignorant she has to come fix things. Isak might have more potential than she realized. And I think she also sees that she’s not the only one who can support Even, that she has to let go of him, and Even should be with the person he really wants to be with.

Isak smiles a little after she says that. It’s just a brief statement from her but he knows that there’s a ton of meaning behind that, considering what she told him last time - she’s changed her mind. How good it must feel for him to hear that from Sonja, Even’s long-term girlfriend, that it’s good for Even to be with Isak. His reaction is a mixture of pride and happiness, maybe. It’s implicit approval of their relationship, implicit acceptance that Even has moved on from Sonja and is now with Isak. That it’s real between Even and Isak and not just a sick idea in his head.

By now Sonja really wants to get off the phone, lmao, but Isak still isn’t done. He asks whether there’s anything he can do for Even. When Sonja says, “Not really,” it makes me sad for her? Like I can tell behind that statement, there’s someone who really loved/loves Even and watched him go through hell and deal with depression, and has realized by now that you can’t just snap him out of it. She’s sad that there’s not more she or anyone can do for him. It makes you think about her actions - and I’m not justifying her being controlling or trying to tell Even how he feels, but you have to wonder if she hoped she could just snap him out of his worst periods. If she wishes she could have done more but realizes she couldn’t. Man, I find Sonja so interesting despite being having such a small amount of screen time!

“You just have to be there for him.”

Sonja gives some of the best advice in the series. She’s been there with Even in the bad times. When everything seems hopeless, just take it one day at a time. Then an hour, then a minute. That says so much about how hard it can get, that sometimes even an hour is too much to bear, you have to go down to just a minute. Like both she and Even went through this, it seemed hopeless for both of them, Even in his depression and Sonja watching him be depressed. That advice is simple but so powerful. It’s so hopeful and such a good way of approaching pain and depression. It’s good advice for anyone struggling, really, not just people who are bipolar or depressed.

As some who has been depressed and who has dealt with a lot of other mental illness BS ... this is one of the most helpful pieces of advice I’ve ever gotten from media. Something that happens when you deal with depression is that suddenly everything becomes magnified in a bad way, and set in stone in a hopeless way. It’s not just that things are bad today, it’s that they will never get better. It’s not just that you messed up this one thing, it’s that you’ve destroy everything in your whole life and you’re going to continue to ruin the rest of it. Your brain traps you in this endless cycle of your past mistakes and your current mistakes and that propels you into your future mistakes, until everything seems bleak. Taking things minute by minute is a way to approach life and its struggles in a more manageable way, it helps to remember that when everything seems too big.

In my last post about episode 9, I included a draft of a post that I wrote about O Helga Natt back in 2016. I also found one that I wrote in either late 2016/early 2017, that referred to this clip.

i’ve been really depressed lately - for no reason, just because that’s how my brain works - and i want to thank the Norwegian teenies for coming along at just the right time, because the way Skam depicted mental illness and especially Even’s depressive episode in the last two episodes actually helped me and I can’t think of the last time a work of fiction gave me some good life advice that genuinely made me feel better

i’m not sure if this was the intended wisdom but not only did “minutt by minutt” help, just the depiction of a depressed character having a string of shitty days and this being … kind of a normal thing - that helped. not that you should be tolerating depression as just a thing you’ll get through, don’t seek treatment for it, bootstraps etc. but in the sense that yeah, sometimes you have bad periods with depression, some days hit you harder than others. but getting to hear about Isak and the flat taking care of Even and Sonja’s being kind of matter-of-fact about it … honestly, that gave me the ability to look at my own bad days as something that i can handle.

the day after Christmas, I didn’t want to get out of bed, I was so tired and empty and I couldn’t even focus on watching Netflix or whatever. but instead of getting lost in my own negative thoughts, I was able to process it as, “OK, this is not going to be a good day. Instead of trying to punish yourself for not feeling good, just accept that this isn’t going to be a good day, and that’s fine. You don’t have to feel like you wasted a day. You can get through this and start again tomorrow.” and that was specifically due to what happened in episode 10. So I want to thank this show for making me feel a little better.

The music starts again over Sonja’s speech, as Isak watches over Even sleeping again. Keeping a vigil, keeping the lanterns lit.

Even stirs and finally wakes up. He takes a moment to take in his surroundings and remember that, oh yeah, he’s with Isak at his place. He seems like he finds it hard to look at Isak and quickly averts his gaze and looks at the ceiling, the wall, not at Isak. Probably because he still can’t believe he’s here, with Isak, and probably because of what he says to him in a moment - he’s convinced he will hurt Isak, he thinks he doesn’t deserve to have Isak here with him.

I know that the thing with Even’s eyes fluttering was apparently just Henrik’s random reflex, lmao, but it’s very effective and makes him seem like he’s struggling to keep them open. He just seems so tired. His normally energetic, charismatic self has been completely drained. We’ve never seen him like this, not even the hints in like the cuddle scene were this strong. Henrik turned off all the light inside of him. He’s staring at nothing.

Not to get super personal again, but his performance in this scene felt so familiar that I got a pain in my gut. I have been in Even’s shoes, I recognize some of how this goes, how you hardly have the strength to muster up speech, or you react more slowly to certain things. He does such an excellent job here. Now that we’ve seen the bloopers, too, working out the positions on the bed for this scene, it seems like he was trying very hard to stay in Even’s mindset throughout, which must have been rough.

Isak asks if Even is hungry. Even doesn’t even reply to that. He takes time to answer, like it’s harder to focus or collect his thoughts. Like he’s drifting. He does ask Isak what time it is after a moment.

Even says, very quietly, that he should go. Because he doesn’t want Isak to lie there and feel like he has to look after him. Even, baby, no. It’s not a burden for Isak to be with you. You aren’t a burden. That says so much about how he feels about himself, that he’s a burden, an obligation, something for people to take care of. He’s preventing Isak from doing other things. Again, this is such an accurate depiction of depression. During this scene I got chills because it was so close to my experience, the fatigue, the guilt. The sense of resigned certainty that things were never going to get better. The emptiness.

Isak says he doesn’t feel like he’s looking after Even. He’s doing this because he loves Even and wants him to be okay, not because he feels like he has to. But also, why is it wrong for Isak to look after Even? It’s so natural for Isak to want to do so because he loves Even and wants to be a part of his life.

Even says there’s nothing wrong with it, but that he doesn’t want Isak to lie there and feel sad. Basically, he doesn’t want to bring people down with him. Evennnnn. Noooooo.

Isak says he’s not sad, quietly. Kinda like how Even said he wasn’t sad in the locker room scene, except in very different contexts. Isak has to do a lot more work to reassure Even here. Isak seems surprised that Even would even think he was sad. Like Isak knows he loves Even, of course he would be here.

Even takes forever to reply. He lets out a heavy sigh. So much sighing, as if it’s a struggle. It’s so quiet you can hear him swallowing.

“I just know that this isn’t gonna work.” This resonates so much. That feeling that you know it’s going to end. You just know. Depression brings about such seeming clarity, like you don’t doubt that everything is hopeless, you feel it in your bones. But damn, Even is thinking that it won’t work out because of him. He already hurt Isak. He wants it to work, he loves Isak, but he thinks it won’t.

Isak doesn’t get too upset, vocally, but you can tell he’s appalled and horrified by this idea. Why on earth would Even say that? That’s the last thing Isak wants to consider.

“Because it’s true.” Again, that certainty. Even says he’ll hurt Isak and then Isak will hate him. Even’s insecurities and vulnerabilities are so painful! He doesn’t want to hurt Isak, it’s something he fears. And he doesn’t want Isak to hate him, because to be hated by someone he loves so much is awful. Like, it’s better in his mind just to cut Isak loose to go find a happy life than to stick around long enough for Isak to resent him (“the only way to have something forever is to lose it”).

Also something that’s accurate to depression - how easy it is to disregard people telling you that you’re not worthless, how easy it is to forget that people love you and care about you. Isak just ran to Even last night and hugged him and kissed him and made his love abundantly clear, but Even is probably already filing that away as, well, Isak won’t feel that way for long, Isak will just be sad, it’s not worth it.

And then - this incredible moment.

After a long pause, in which Isak lies there considering Even, staring at him, working out what Even is saying - Isak just says, “No.” Just no. So forcefully and with such certainty that I want to hug him. Even goes from staring at the ceiling to looking at Isak. He’s taken aback. Maybe he thought Isak might come back at him with more soft words and assurances, but I don’t think he was expecting for Isak to call bullshit.

What I love, love, LOVE about Isak’s dialogue here is that it’s not like … flowery or romantic. It’s not a big speech. “I love you, Even, I’ll always be here for you, we’re soulmates,” etc. All the cliches of a dramatic TV speech. This dialogue is instead so distinctly Isak that it’s brilliant. It’s a 17-year-old boy, who’s often blunt and unsentimental, putting his feelings into words that are equally blunt and unsentimental. In a lot of TV shows, these big romantic speeches are generic and interchangeable, they sound the same across canons, within canons, everywhere. They’re trying to be epic, but they all sound alike because they come back to the same general grandiose concepts. But this speech? You could not mistake this speech coming from any other character but Isak. It’s so specific to Isak and to Isak/Even.

Isak just directly shuts down all of Even’s catastrophic thinking, his negative outcomes. You don’t know shit about how this is going to end! Well, he’s right? Depression makes you certain of hopelessness, and Isak doesn’t sugarcoat it, he cuts right through the cloudy haze and says, nah, you don’t know that.

In Tarjei’s delivery is a touch of fear, like he really wants Even to understand, but in this moment he’s afraid Even will pull away again and he’ll lose him once more, and that’s coming through. Isak isn’t certain of anything. But there’s also this fierceness and determination, this strength, and that’s what truly makes the moment.

Isak says that maybe a nuke will get dropped on them tomorrow, and this is a waste of time to discuss. Again - he’s right! It’s not a bad thing to discuss long-term dynamics of relationships, of course. But Even’s depressive speculation is pointless. You can never predict what’ll happen. This time they spend debating whether Even will hurt Isak - not worth it. It’s time they could spend together, enjoying the moment.

Even is so taken aback, struck by Isak’s blunt descriptions and his certainty. Like Isak is not pulling away, he’s not letting Even go. He’s just telling Even how it’s gonna be.

“So I suggest you stop talking about the future and then the two of us will take this thing completely chill.” God. GOD. I love it. You know what? Previously this season, we’ve had so many comments about time and forever - Can I stay in here with you forever? and You’re the man of my life and Even asking how many Isaks and Evens are lying in bed right now and Isak answering infinitely many, in infinite time. Big, sweeping statements about long periods of time. And those are all wonderful and beautiful and romantic. But there’s a lot of underlying pressure in them. You gotta get everything perfect, you gotta be constantly thinking about the long run, everything needs to be epic and big. And in this episode, we whittle down those long overwhelming periods of time, the future, infinity, forever, to the short term. Minute by minute. Now. Living in the present. Not putting these huge standards or expectations on oneself, both good and bad. Which is probably the healthiest approach when you’re teenagers in a relationship.

And Isak is again saying, I’m not letting you push me away, I’m not going to let you overthink this and pull back, I’m not going to let you think you’re a monster. We’re just going to hang in here together.

Even is stunned by this, he keeps running his eyes over Isak’s face as if in disbelief. What is even happening? He didn’t expect this.

And here we get one of the most romantic exchanges I have heard in my life. While Even is processing what Isak said, Isak goes on to say, “Let’s play a game. It’s called Isak and Even, minutt for minutt.”

He puts his hand on Even’s cheek. A little awkwardly, like he’s still figuring this out. Like he isn’t entirely certain of what he’s doing or if this is going to work, but he has to try, anyway. Even has initiated a lot of the physical contact in the start of their relationship, but here’s Isak initiating, taking charge. He wants Even to feel the touch and understand Isak is here and he’s not going anywhere. He’s not sure of everything, but he’s determined.

“The only thing we need to worry about is the next minute.” Essentially putting Even’s fears at rest, saying, don’t worry about your worst nightmares coming true. We’re going to get through this together, one minute at a time.

Isak strokes the hair behind Even’s ear. Even whispers, “OK,” like he can hardly talk, he hardly has the energy. But he’s listening to what Isak is saying. He’s not sure this will work, either, but he’s willing to try.

“What are we going to do this minute?” / “This minute we’ll kiss.” End me. One of the most romantic exchanges ever. So simple! So reassuring! Even being so tentative, like maybe he’s thinking this just might work! Isak not putting a ton of pressure on Even, proposing just a kiss! Something small and easy that they can feel and understand!

And oh boy, isn’t Even’s reaction gorgeous? The pause and then the smallest smile, the first hint of a smile from him in this clip. Even’s smile is one of the most striking features about him and not seeing makes us thirsty for it. But he gives the tiniest smile, a sign that he’s on board, and says that’s chill. Isak says that’s chill. It’s chill, it doesn’t need to be anything else.

They kiss. Isak gets in a nose rub at first. He clutches the side of Even’s face, placing himself there. Even is bundled up in blankets and Isak is firmly planting his hand on Even.

We cut from the beginning of the kiss to the end, as the minute passes - Even looks so vulnerable kissing, like it’s still a lot of energy for him? His hand is clutching the blanket like he needs it around him. When he pulls away, it’s like he’s ready to go back to sleep. But even after Even pulls back from the kiss, Isak keeps stroking Even’s face and hair, and he gives a slow and steady nose rub. Again, it’s their grounding technique, it’s a reassurance that Isak is there for him.

The pacing of this scene is so good. I love the quiet, the pauses. This is just unhurried film-making, not afraid to take its time. Everything about this scene makes me calm. It’s like taking a deep breath of cool morning air.

As an aside, for almost two years the background on my phone has been Isak snuggled up to Even as he sleeps. Helps to have a reminder to take things one minute at a time.

Clip 2 - Fluffy Isak living his best life

This scene is a direct parallel and contrast to the one in episode 3, where Vilde goes up to Isak at the lockers and asks him about hosting a party, and then afterwards Isak sees Emma and goes up to her. In that scene in episode 3, Isak absolutely does not want to host the party and he’s making up excuses not to, including blaming his flatmates. Here he readily and warmly agrees to host. In the episode 3 scene, he goes up to Emma to make amends and spews a lot of fake flirting, with his fake hetero persona. Here he goes up to her and repeats the same line of calling himself an asshole to make amends, but he’s being honest with her. He’s not flirting, he’s just extending an olive branch.

Isak walks into school on his phone, talking to Eskild. He tells Eskild to let Even sleep. Eskild wonders if he should wake up Even. Isak tells him he asked him to keep an eye on Even because he’s depressed, not watch over him like a baby. CHEERS, ISAK 🙌 This is exactly right. Because Even is depressed (and had just sent Isak a suicide note), I don’t think it’s a great idea for him to be completely alone, especially when that’s one of his fears/anxieties. I mean, we’re trying to show Even that he isn’t alone. But Even is depressed, not helpless, and it would be wrong to smother him. He needs his agency. Isak is completely accurate, don’t treat Even like a baby. Isak may not be perfect, but he’s getting so much better in his understanding of mental illness.

Also, we’re trying to show how Isak has learned from Sonja’s mistakes or how Even didn’t like Sonja’s treatment of him, and I think part of that is giving Even space and not hovering or interfering too much.

Eskild leaves because he thinks Even woke up. Isak looks at his phone like, lmao, that’s Eskild being Eskild for you! I think Eskild can’t help but go into nurturing mode, he wants to take care of people. (You know, fandom talks a lot about Isak and Even as parents, but imagine Eskild as a parent? IDK if he’d ever have kids of his own or if he’d have a bunch of unofficial nieces and nephews, or if he’d just consider all the wayward teenagers he “adopts” to be his children, but Eskild would be such a helicopter parent.)

Also, in Isak’s locker of character development - he just opens his locker without any problems. He’s not even thinking about it, he’s just talking with Eskild on the phone. It’s no longer a problem. It’s not stuck, nothing’s spilling out. It’s not giving Isak grief.

What a beautiful and subtle way to indicate that Isak is now comfortably out of the closet. What a great payoff for something that might seem like a running gag but is actually insight into the main character’s mindset.

Isak looks fluffy as hell in this scene. You know how worn down he looks in episode 6? Here he’s radiating good health and happiness.

Vilde shows up. God, I love Isak and Vilde’s interaction, as messy as it may sometimes be. She asks if Isak saw the message she posted to kosegruppa, and Isak starts to laugh to himself, because out of all the drama of his life, all the shit that’s been happening the last few weeks, kosegruppa is still a thing, and he completely forgot about it. I don’t think we’ve heard about kosegruppa since episode 3 with the neon party? It was basically just a setup for Isak and Even to meet and interact. Which is perfectly fine! But it’s great that they brought it full circle and acknowledged it again, like this is kind of meta with Isak acknowledging that he forgot about kosegruppa, much like the audience had. (If only we had seen kosegruppa antics after this …. I wanted to see the squads baking together and spreading that cozy feeling!)

Vilde wants to know why Isak is laughing. Isak says he almost forgot kosegruppa existed. Vilde is aghast, practically. She asks whether Isak isn’t going to quit now. You can’t just join for the parties and skimp on the actual work for the revue!

And here’s one of my favorite Isak moments, a super underrated one. Isak takes a moment from clearly forgetting about kosegruppa to being like “Of course I’m still in kosegruppa! Who do you think I am?” It makes me smile SO much, because we saw Isak be grumpy and unimpressed with kosegruppa before, and give Vilde looks of boredom or irritation when she talked about it, but here fluffy Isak is humoring her and being nice. He’s making her happy, and the fact that she clearly is happy by what he says makes my heart so warm.

Vilde asks if they could host the kosegruppa Christmas party at Isak’s place, and after a short pause, Isak quickly agrees. Vilde is clearly surprised by this, asks if it’s OK with his flatmates, and Isak says he’s sure it’s fine. He’s so warm when he says this and he’s smiling at her, it’s beautiful. Like this is some Scrooge-level transformation.

I think Isak is in such a good place emotionally right now that he can’t help but extend it to other people. He’s got Even back and while things aren’t perfect, they’re taking this thing one minute at a time and there’s hope for the future. Additionally, he’s out of the closet and no longing live a fake heterosexual life. His friends accept him and he can be honest with them. He’s out to his parents and they’re fine with him, and it seems like his relationship with his mom can be salvaged. Basically every single thing, for the most part, that was causing Isak anxiety earlier in the season has now been solved. And because Isak is glowing inside, he’s willing to extend the kindness to others.

When Vilde leaves, Isak retrieves his book from his locker. Then he seems Emma down the hallway. With a little trepidation, he goes up to her. He greets her and the trepidation is mutual. Emma is awkward, too. You have to wonder what she’s thinking. Honestly, I think at this point, she does realize that she messed up? Or that it was her talking about Isak that got the rumors going and outed him to the school, and that it was wrong. Maybe that’s just me wanting to give her the benefit of the doubt that Emma regrets what she did, but Ruby plays it like she’s unsure, not like she’s still angry at Isak or annoyed by him.

I think the vibe between them in this scene is supposed to be that they both made mistakes and hurt each other. And I mean, that is true! Isak did hurt Emma by leading her on. It’s just that Emma ultimately did something I think was a lot worse - like, she would have gotten over that guy she made out with twice turning out to be gay and leading her on. Isak might not have gotten over being outed, it could have really damaged aspects of his life.

So it’s awkward, and Isak then brings up the inside joke of sorts from before, referencing “the asshole” who’s hosting the Christmas party and inviting her along, because he thinks that would be nice. Here he’s not inviting her because he plans to hook up with her, and they both know that. It’s a gesture of kindness. Let’s bury the hatchet.

Emma says she switched to the PR group, but that he should tell the asshole she’s glad he asked. She’s smiling and seems genuinely happy. Isak says the asshole will appreciate that. They say goodbye, clearly in a good mood, pleased about the interaction.

Well, in a lot of ways this outcome is pretty good? I think it’s for the best that Emma switched groups - she was only in kosegruppa to chase Isak, and switching will give her some distance from the experience and help her move on from whatever remaining hurt she feels. And I think that this is about the nicest resolution you could hope for, in a way - I don’t think Isak and Emma are going to become good friends, they don’t have a ton in common personally and they did hurt each other. I think it’s actually good she won’t be at the party (where she’ll be witnessing Isak and Even making out under the mistletoe, lmao) and she’ll get some space. But they’ve made peace and can be on good terms as casual acquaintances. Isak no longer has to run away when he sees Emma in the hallway, they can just smile and nod and acknowledge each other politely. Isak doesn’t have to pretend to be into her, either. He’s done with that part of his life.

But, if I’m gonna tweak this scene - because the Emma/outing plot is the only one that I had any substantial nitpicks for this season - I would make Emma more obviously realize or acknowledge that she had done something really bad in outing Isak. It would be nice if she apologized for it directly. But within the tone of this scene, you could even play it as her going along with Isak’s “the asshole” joke, maybe with her saying something like, “Well, there’s this asshole first year who feels really bad about opening her big mouth and she’s happy that the other asshole invited her.” You know, something self-deprecating like that. I would be fine with that? Just so it was clear she knows she messed up. I think it stands out because Sonja apologized for something wrong she had done, and Isak is apologizing for something wrong he had done, so Emma not apologizing kinda feels a little unfinished, like, hey, she did do something pretty bad, whether it was intentional or not.

I have no problem with Isak extending the olive branch and inviting Emma, for what it’s worth. He’s in a good place, he wants to make amends with people. I think he’s in such a good place that he wants to get rid of any animosity or more toxic relationships or beefs he has with people. Mostly, I wish we got more acknowledgment that Emma messed up, too, so it’s not all on Isak.

I’d also be fine with someone other than Isak stating more directly that being outed was a bad thing. I think they did a fine job of showing how Isak was affected negatively by it, and normally I prefer show don’t tell, but because Emma doesn’t directly apologize for it, I think it’d be worth it to do some ‘telling” if Emma herself doesn’t. IDK, someone like Even or Jonas not being ok with it, even if Isak is. (Although, lol, we know what eventually happened with Jonas and Emma...)

Ruby Dagnall really is a cutie and a talented actress, I feel bad that she plays one of the least popular, most disliked Skam characters. At least Sonja got some redemption and comes across much better in the whole series.

Still, this scene does provide some relief for Isak, that he’s put to rest one of the other problems he’s had recently. I’m sure he feels like there’s another weight off his back.

Clip 3 - I saw you the first day of school

This delightful and intimate and tender scene!!!!

Isak does a meme-worthy appearance as he creeps into his own doorway to see Even and Linn playing FIFA. He’s so funny because he almost appears suspicious, like he expects to see Even and Linn cooking meth instead of playing video games. Or I guess because Even has been depressed and Linn is always depressed, that it’s very unusual to see them playing games with so much vigor.

Isak also gets this little smile, like he’s so relieved and happy that Even has come out of his depressive episode a bit. And because it’s just a charming moment to come across.

I love Linn getting so into the game, too, since we rarely see her that hyped. She is taking it very very seriously.

We all gotta appreciate Even’s “Hall-AAA” when Isak greets him. How can you pack so much charisma into a simple word?

Linn is just like, good, you’re home, I’m exhausted. Which kinda indicates that she had “Even duty” since there’s no other reason she needs to get up and leave that second. Unless she thinks the Evak make-outs are going to commence. Which they are.

Even says, “Sore loser?” and Linn is like, “I’m going to bed,” because of course she is. Even is so charming when he says that, though, like you really get how everyone just immediately falls in love with this guy, he’s so warm and open and he can tease someone like Linn who isn’t necessarily the most receptive person.

Even says it was good to hang out with Linn. I agree! We only get this one moment between them, but it’s a nice little detail. They both deal with depression and I don’t know if they have big talks about it or whatever, but they probably both get it, understand that part of each other, and it’s nice that we can see them hanging out. I bet it’s low stress to hang with Linn, too, like I adore Eskild but he’s going to want to be in Even’s face pushing him to do stuff. Linn is more chill.

I would have loved to see more clips of kosegruppa taking care of Even. I adore the texts, they say so much, but imagine watching Eskild taking care of Even and making him play board games? Noora bringing Even some tea? It really warms my heart how everyone decided to help Even, who’s essentially a stranger, because they were there for Isak. Well, OK, I think everyone is in love with Even, it’s hard not to be, so they came together to support him, too.

It is SUCH a relief to see Even smile at this point. Even’s smile is one of the most beautiful things about him and we were dying to see it again after watching him be so down, so when you see Even give Isak that genuine smile, it’s wonderful. And the glare from the TV is like reflecting off his eyes making him look even more magical, lol.

He also looks so fluffy in Isak’s hoodie. I think it’s a touch too small for him? But like Even cares, he’s wearing Isak’s clothes and that’s all that matters.

Isak kisses Even hello and we don’t really see it, but we sure hear it, with this loud smack and like this fond little hum from Isak, like he’s a contented cat. Kissing Even is just that enjoyable.

There’s a post that was like “Isak and Even do this thing where they greet each other in front of others and then when they’re alone they greet each other again, just for each other” and it makes my heart melt.

They fall back onto the bed and actually, that little detail is so sweet, too? They’re just getting comfortable, ready to talk about their days, catch up with each other.

L m a o, Isak adjusts his snapback when he lies down rather than just taking it off. Okay, kid.

Isak asks Even what’s up. I think Henrik does some excellent acting in this scene. I mean they both do, Tarjei’s always great, but Even is coming out of his depressive episode and he does some stuff here that’s not always vocalized. But here for instance, you can see Even’s question starting to form before he asks it. That touch of tongue to the teeth. That amusement in his eyes. And then his delivery which is like, a-ha, I caught you, but not accusatory or upset, he’s just amused.

He asks Isak whether he asked all his flatmates to look after him. Even is not dumb, he realizes what happened with Isak’s roommates all swooping in to check on him, how he’s never alone in the flat. Someone’s always there. But I don’t think he’s upset about it, like he might be with Sonja. I mean … to be fair, Even did write Isak a goodbye text/suicide note a few days ago. And Isak has instructed Eskild at least not to hover and treat Even like a baby, so they’ve probably been getting along fine.

Isak is like, what? No. Even raises his magnificent eyebrows (not Jonas level, but Even can do some damn great things with them) and calls Isak out on being a bad liar. Actually I think Tarjei does some subtle but great acting with “Isak trying to lie.” He wasn’t comically obvious but he managed to convey that “yeah, I’m being too casual about too be truthful” vibe.

Isak and Even both laugh about Isak being a bad liar so you can tell neither of them is upset by this, it’s just a funny thing. Isak is like, no way I’m a bad liar. I’m the fucking master liar, there’s no one who’s a better liar than me! Which in itself is a GIANT FUCKING LIE, Isak, you are a terrible liar. Lying a lot is not the same thing as lying well. (Seriously, Isak almost always gets caught in his lies, or he ends up just fumbling for what to say.)

Also, how funny is it that Isak is again like, oh, you say I’m not good at this thing? Actually I am the BEST at this thing, I am the master of this specific thing Just like him being the master of holding his breath underwater. This kid has such a weird competitive streak and it’s all talk, he just can’t let an insult to his skills go without refuting it in an over-the-top way.

Isak: You have no idea what I’ve gotten away with! Even: Like what? Isak: No, you don’t want know. Which is funny on its own but also funnier if you’re keeping in mind Isak’s S1 shenanigans, of course. Which he did NOT get away with.

Anyway Even is charmed by all of this, his face lights up with laughter and a big smile. In return, Isak is charmed by Even’s happy self, as we all are, for Even is human sunshine. Isak touches Even’s face - Even dips his head so his lip catches Isak’s thumb, and that’s one of those small gestures that makes their chemistry so incredibly fucking good? Did Julie instruct that, or did Henrik react to Tarjei’s touch like that? I can’t tell. I could easily believe it was improv. But that kind of instinctive reaction, not just lying there as Isak touches him but reacting back, moving into it - that is why the Evak chemistry is unparalleled. They keep feeding off each other’s actions and energy, they want to be touching, they are 110% keyed into each other.

“I like seeing you laugh.” DON’T WE ALL.

No really, that’s got to be such a relief for Isak, that Even is laughing and smiling again. There’s the hope, there’s the light at the end of the tunnel. And I think Even can’t help but be amazed that Isak is still here. Isak stood by him through the worst period, and he’s here now touching Even and telling him what he likes about him.

Even’s gaze softens just a little again, like he’s not just brightly burning here with amusement, he’s already getting more fond and mesmerized by Isak. Good job, Henrik.

Isak’s phone is buzzing. He checks it and lets out a sigh of exasperation, telling Even that Vilde nags him so damn much about kosegruppa. Even, too, has forgotten about kosegruppa. Isak tells him what he learned from the previous clip, that Vilde is worried people only joined for the revue parties.

And here’s the bombshell: Isak is amused relating this detail to Even, but Even becomes thoughtful and serious when he says he was only there to meet Isak. I mean, HOLY SHIT. He drops it like it’s just this fact he has no qualms about sharing. In fact, he might even be surprised that Isak DIDN’T realize this by now.

Isak is of course, completely stunned. Wait, what? They are having this lighthearted conversation and laughing and then Even drops this rather big bit of information?

Even: “Did you think I was there to have fun?” I mean, I don’t know, dude, you’re kinda weird and artsy, so maybe it was your scene? Maybe you wanted some buns? (Well, he did want buns. Isak’s buns, baby. 😎)

Isak laughs a little, but he’s still completely flabbergasted by this bit of information. He asks Even if Even saw him before the first kosegruppa meeting. (And I mean, we know Even did, because Isak and him made eye contact in the cafeteria. What Isak means is, did you see me and check me out before kosegruppa?)

“I saw you the first day of school.” BOMBSHELL. CHANGES THE ENTIRE SEASON. Well, maybe not the entire season, but it absolutely re-frames Even’s behavior in the first few episodes and even throughout the later episodes.

Now while watching this season in real time, I figured Even was pining for Isak from the beginning, more or less, from episode 1. Like I really didn’t doubt that Even had real feelings for Isak, I never thought he was playing with Isak or messing around with him for fun. I never thought he was going to turn on Isak or lead him into a hate crime as some of the more bizarre theories suggested. And I had a heavy suspicion that Even went to the kosegruppa meeting to meet Isak. But what I figured was - Even saw this really cute boy in the cafeteria on Monday, they made eye contact, that one group of girls talked to both Even and Isak about their revue group, so hey, might as well be worth it to check out if the cute guy went to the meeting! So it seemed like a relatively short and straightforward timeline where Even spotted Isak for the first time and decided to go after him. But I had a few questions, such as: did Even really think Isak was going to show up? That’s a hell of a chance to take. I mean, the risk factor is pretty minimal, Isak wouldn’t be there and Even would just have to sit through this meeting and eat some bread and participate in some awkward group exercises until he could escape. But still - how confident was he that Isak would be there?

And Even having his eye on Isak from the beginning of the school year makes a lot of sense and helps explain why Even would take that chance! First of all, because he would have had plenty of time to learn Isak’s name from the first day of school, and therefore he could scope the signup sheet for it, because I bet Vilde or Sana put Isak on a list. That’s apparently how Emma found out Isak was going to kosegruppa, after all. Second, because if Even had been pining for THAT long, not just a few days, then I absolutely buy him taking a huge gamble like that. Because Even had a crush on Isak for weeks at this point, and kept his distance, until that day in the cafeteria, when he caught Isak looking back. And I think that was all the incentive he needed to take a chance. That Isak maybe wasn’t just a distant dream, but potentially a reality. Isak might be attracted to him as well. Boom.

Of course Even’s revelation also re-frames a lot of other moments and details, like why Even was there in the cafeteria in the first place (he almost certainly wasn’t sitting near Isak by coincidence, but on purpose so he could check out Isak and maybe get his attention). Why Even entered the meeting and immediately scanned the room to see if Isak was there, and then took a seat near him. It makes all of Even’s affection and actions toward Isak this season so much heavier, because he had wanted him for a while. You look back at their first kiss, for instance, and you realize Even had been waiting for that for months.

Not only that, but consider that this entire season we have been in Isak’s POV. Going through his struggles with him, his anxieties and insecurities and doubts. When Even ran hot and cold, we felt it. When Even ghosted on him, it was like Even ghosted us. So for a good chunk of this season, Isak doubted the depth of Even’s feelings for him - especially after the hotel room, when Sonja said Even’s feelings were fake. And much of the audience doubted with him, making up all kinds of theories about Even toying with Isak or being a bad person or not really into Isak. So after a full season of this uncertainty, we finally learn the truth - not only were Even’s feelings real all along, they were real for much, much longer than any of us suspected. I think a lot of people guessed that Even went to kosegruppa to meet Isak, but NOT that he had been pining for months.

Side note: not to spoil this very popular anime, but Yuri!!! on Ice was airing at the exact same time as season 3 of Skam, and I have to laugh because episode 10 of YoI, like this season, also had the “been into you for way longer than you realized” reveal that changed the entire context of the series and the main relationship. (I just remember fall/winter 2016 as simultaneously the darkest timeline from which there was no escape and some weird fever dream of unexpected gay romance canons as a kind of consolation prize. Like hey, we might as well give you something nice before the world burns.)

Even says the line so sincerely, too. So heartfelt. Just “I saw you the first day of school.” And that’s all we get, until we received the S3 script book where Julie wrote the scene from his POV. But in context of just what we saw on screen - how evocative is that? Doesn’t it really grab your attention? We don’t know where it happened, how it happened, what Isak was doing, any of the nitty-gritty details so we’re free to speculate. But that one line says enough to completely alter our opinion of Even this season.

And Isak is of course, just stunned and touched. He just takes it in and says, “Whoa,” with a soft smile. Not bombarding him with more questions (“tell me everything about that day”) but just soaking in the knowledge. Even saw him and chose him, basically. All this time he was doubting Even’s feelings? Even had it even worse for Isak. Even loves him that much, that Isak caught his eye on the first day of school. Even has liked him for that long. It’s beautiful. Isak is really somebody’s somebody.

And you can see Even smile at Isak, too. They would have laid there looking into each other’s eyes and marveling at how they found each other had Vilde not called again.

Let’s all appreciate Tarjei’s delivery of that UGH, like Isak has a cantankerous old man soul.

Now here’s an interesting detail about the conversation with Vilde: We don’t hear her side of it. Or rather, we don’t hear her voice clearly, as we do in say, Isak’s conversation with his father or with Sonja. And maybe that’s because unlike those conversations, what Vilde is saying is not actually important in itself (though I am sure she would disagree with me, getting that Christmas tree is of utmost importance, how dare you) and it’d be a little bit of a distraction from the main point of the scene between Isak and Even. But it makes the scene different because it’s not completely in Isak’s POV, because Isak would be able to hear Vilde clearly. Actually, it makes the scene seem like it’s from Even’s point of view, not Isak’s. And I’m kind of a stickler for POV but I’m fine with it here, especially in the final episode of the season. Once we’ve sort of wrapped up many of the main character’s problems or issues, it’s OK to start experimenting and diverging a bit more. But anyway, this scene especially seems like we’re really deep in Even’s head, for some reason.

Anyway, Isak argues with Vilde about the Christmas tree while Even laughs and smiles at Isak, entertained by his grumpy boyfriend. Isak tells Vilde to get the Christmas tree herself (though as we learn through texts, he went to pick it up, because look, Isak may put up a fight with Vilde about it but he ends up doing whatever she asks).

Even asks Isak about the tree once Isak hangs up. Isak explains about the kosegruppa Christmas party on Friday. And oh man, now this is some goooood acting from Henrik. Because so far this scene has been pretty stress free, lots of cute flirting and laughing and looking into each other’s eyes. But once Isak mentions that kosegruppa party he’s hosting, Even immediately gets tense. It’s not over the top obvious, but Henrik does a fantastic job here because his energy just shifts in an instant. His eyes start flicking away from Isak, he squirms a little, his body isn’t still. You can tell he gets this flight or fight response where his instinct is to run away, if not literally, then from this conversation.

This is one of the moments in all of Skam that just resonates with me so strongly. Having depression puts you into so many weird spots like this. You don’t know how to tell people about it, you don’t know how to explain that no, you don’t want to go to the party or the concert or whatever, you don’t have the mental or physical energy for it. Your body and mind are just exhausted. You can barely get out of bed. But - it’s hard to describe that to people. Telling people you have the flu is easy - you have physical symptoms, you aren’t ashamed of it. But how do you explain, especially to non-depressed people, that you just don’t feel like it because of your depression? Or because of your anxiety? Like Even, I have often found myself hedging and making up excuses not to go like this. It’s one of those smaller details that makes me think Skam nailed these final episodes of S3 and the depiction of mental illness.

For Even, he’s still climbing out of the depressive episode, and he’s reeling from the experience itself. How is he going to face people, especially if they know anything about what happened? How is he going to deal with a party, with its potentially overwhelming smells, sounds, and sensations? A lot of people talking and laughing and dancing, music blaring, it’s just … not something where he can relax. It’s something you need energy for.

Isak asks if Even wants to go to the party. Even takes a moment, and he’s still like a deer in headlights, you know his brain is scrambling with how to take care of the situation. Isak waits patiently for an answer, not pushing.

Even starts talking about his mom, using her as an excuse, saying that he talked to her and said he would stop by to eat and stuff, actually he was thinking about staying there for a little while. And you know what? Maybe Even really did speak with his mom. He probably did. But right now he’s latching onto that as a diversion, so he doesn’t have to tell Isak what he’s really feeling - the idea of a party is overwhelming right now. I’m not sure if I want to go. And maybe right now Even is having a rapid descent into depressive thoughts. Like he’s slipping into oh, this is how I’m going to let Isak down, I’m just a burden, I should go away and let him do his own thing, have fun. That’s perhaps a factor, too.

Isak gives Even the time to decide and talk. He does not interrupt him until Even is finished, and then his only response is beautiful. “Just take it one day at a time.” Not putting any pressure on him to answer now more decisively, not putting pressure on him to suck it up and attend the party. Just gives Even their mantra.

I’m not trying to demonize Sonja (especially not in this episode when she’s treated so gracefully) but I have to wonder, going off Even’s reaction to both the news about the party and Isak’s reaction, if maybe this was a common type of argument or debate they had, and if Sonja tended to handle it differently. Like maybe if this were Sonja, she would be encouraging or pressuring Even to attend a party because it would be good for him, or she would be grilling him more about his mindset. If Even didn’t want to attend, time to dig into that, see how he’s doing, ask a bunch of questions. Sonja is the “party planner” who needs to have everything figured out. And that maybe one of the differences between Sonja and Isak is that Sonja, however good her intentions, tended to overwhelm Even with questions, she needed to have everything figured out, whereas Isak’s approach is so much more chill. IDK, this is definitely in the category of speculation, it’s just that the way Even reacts kinda reminds me of someone who’s used to expecting a fight or argument over his attendance at the party, and he’s relieved when Isak doesn’t push him.

Oh, dude. When Isak says to take it one day at a time, and Even lets that sink in and starts to smile - you can see Isak smiling a little, too.

When Even smiles, he’s just so relieved? Relieved that Isak understands. Relieved that Isak isn’t going to call him out on his fib but that he just gets it and doesn’t put any pressure on Even. And Even is so, so happy that he has Isak. Lucky that he’s found him.

At the start of this scene, we have Even calling out Isak on a lie, and Isak saying no, he’s a master liar! We have a discussion about lies and it’s not really that serious because no one’s hurt by the lie in question. Here, in a reversal, we have Even lying, or at least fudging the truth, and Isak doesn’t call him out on it, not directly. He just absorbs Even’s change of mood, the words he’s saying, and makes it clear that there is no pressure on Even, that he meant it when he said they were going to take this thing perfectly chill.

Also, how absolutely excellent is the fact that Isak was able to read Even’s mood and anxiety without Even needing to lay it out in words? That is some serious mutual understanding. A lesser TV show would have the scene go like this:

Isak: Do you want to come to the Christmas party? Even: I’m not sure. I don’t think I’m ready for that yet. Isak: Okay, there’s no pressure to attend. Even: Thanks for understanding, I am so lucky to have you, baby.

And there’s nothing inherently wrong with having so much covered directly in dialogue (and speaking personally, I struggle a lot with that problem when writing - I love writing dialogue, but I always end up with too many lengthy conversations with characters just talking about their feelings. Skam has really influenced me to start working on that and trying to find other ways for characters to communicate that are richer and less obvious.). But I think it is a lot stronger the way it’s depicted in this scene. I mean, this scene is the absolute essence of “show, don’t tell”! The way the scene is portrayed, it allows the actors to really focus their abilities - we can tell what Isak and Even are thinking because Tarjei and Henrik are knocking it out of the park and conveying everything we need to know with their eyes, their bodies, the full extent of their talent, rather than just relying on direct dialogue.

Also, think about what this approach says about Isak, or Evak. Making the realization subtle, relying on the subtext of a scene rather than the text, shows us how Isak has grown. Look at this emotional intelligence, look at the tremendous capacity for empathy he displays here with Even, to be able to read him and be patient and tender and understanding like this. And look how having the message go unsaid in words actually strengthens the depiction of their bond, that they don’t need to spell everything out in words - that they can just read each other that well even when one of them is saying something else. It’s fantastic. This scene puts so many other canon romances to shame.

I suspect that a scene like this stays with you longer than the scene with the direct emotional exposition, too. Because the delivery is more of an imprint, it calls on the viewer to read and interpret more, to pay attention to every nuance of the actors, to pay attention to the subtext. That makes the scene settle into your mind more deeply, causes your brain to spend more time with it, whereas a more straightforward scene with that kind of obvious dialogue and telegraphing of inner feelings will just tell you what you need to know, and your brain can move on.

Anyway. Even looks at Isak and you can tell he thinks that he’s the luckiest person in the word to have Isak. He just glows.(I don’t comment too much on actors’ looks because I don’t care all that much, but Henrik is beautiful in this scene. He looks like a damn angel.) He rolls on his side and gives Isak one careful, meaningful kiss to convey his gratitude and affection. They lie there with their noses brushing, Even smiling a little and sweeping his thumb over Isak’s cheek, both of them looking into each other’s eyes and loving each other.

Jesus Christ, does Even have the biggest case of heart eyes ever in this scene or what? The amount of warmth and fondness and love pouring from them is just breathtaking. If you had a GIF of Even smiling and looking into Isak’s eyes in this clip, it’s like the distilled essence of love right there.

Also love how natural their touches are here at the end. It’s not just that they kiss and then lay there, it’s the thumb on the cheek that taps and moves and sweeps several times, how Even’s hand shifts its grip on the back of Isak’s neck. Again, when I talk about their chemistry being phenomenal, this is the kind of stuff I mean. It never stops. It’s not just like they hit their marks when it says “Even kisses Isak in the script” and they stop there, it’s that Henrik and Tarjei keep going and stay in the moment. Because I think obviously the script dictates a lot of their actions, and I have no doubt that Julie gives them good direction, but certain things I feel like have to be the actors just bringing everything they have to the scene, there’s no way you could micro-manage those touches to that extent.

Clip 4 - Isak gives nary a fuck

Isak rolls up to his squad in the courtyard all like HEY BOYSSSSS. Magnus asks how everything is going with Evak. Just in case you didn’t know Julie paid attention to the fandom!

Magnus is the #1 Evak shipper. Like I’m sure Jonas loves them, too, but Jonas is always gonna be watching out for his boy Isak first and foremost. Magnus is just ... in love with their love.

More seriously, I love that Magnus asks about them? Because Magnus is the one who filled in Isak about mental illness, Magnus is the one who was knowledgeable about what Even might be going through. He knows that Even might still be dealing with heavy stuff. So it’s nice that he checks in with Isak.

Isak says they’re taking it day by day, minute for minute. Magnus gets the idea to sell that to NRK. “Minutt for minutt” is a reference to Norwegian slow television in the first place (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slow_television) so obviously, Magnus brings up NRK due to that established Norwegian programming, plus it’s also a joke about Skam being an NRK show. A multi-layered joke!

It’s also really clever for Isak to think of that connection back in the first clip of the episode, like he’s thinking they’re going to make slow TV out of their lives.

“Even and Isak, minute by minute” is Magnus’ suggestion. Just watching their entire lives together, I guess. He’s extremely enthusiastic. He thinks people would watch it - hell, he’d watch it himself! Who is not surprised that Magnus would be interested in a nonstop Evak marathon?

No offense to Norwegians, because I can certainly see the appeal of slow television (I caught my mom watching Nasjonal vedkveld, or National Firewood Night, on Netflix around Christmas: “Watch Norwegians demonstrate how to chop and stack firewood, and then sit back and enjoy the slow burn of a crackling fireplace in a Bergen farmhouse.”) but personally I would find “Even and Isak, minute by minute” more compelling than a long boat journey or train ride, as pretty and soothing as they might be.

Isak says that’s kind of fucked up to think about people watching them. Well, I’m very glad he exists within the fourth wall, because knowing that he had a very fervent audience watching him moon over Even for months would probably freak him out.

Magnus is like, “Why? Because you’re banging on TV? Don’t you think I can handle watching two guys bang?” and ohhhh boy, pull up a chair so we can break this down.

Magnus … why did your mind immediately go to thoughts of Isak and Even banging instead of, IDK, Isak saying it’s fucked up because he wants his privacy or doesn’t want people spying on his every move? Like them banging was just the first thing that popped into your head? All right.

Magnus, you know you can watch two dudes banging like … any time you want, right? It’s called the Internet. (I’m sorry but Magnus definitely went home and watched gay p*rn. You know, just to prove he could handle it. He could totally handle it!)

If Isak and Even ever decide to mess with Magnus for a laugh and proposition him for a threesome, Magnus is definitely going to laugh nervously in shock before seriously considering it, before Isak and Even reveal it’s a joke.

I’ve said this before, because I know Magnus is supposed to be the clueless straight dude who’s still a well-intentioned ally, but: if at some point in Magnus’ future he’s microwaving a burrito in the middle of the night, staring into the tunnel of radiation as the tortilla turns slowly like his thoughts, and he suddenly thinks to himself, “I am definitely a bisexual,” I’d be like, yep, sounds about right.

I mean, that’s if he already didn’t have an awakening when tall drink of water Even Bech Næsheim strolled into his life with his swoopy hair and denim jacket. Not that he had designs on Even, but like ... it’s Even, guys.

This is absolutely how Magnus will announce his revelation to his friends, I refuse to accept anything less awkward and earnest. (Isak is Paula.)

Isak thinks it’s more of a turnoff that Magnus would be watching them bang. Magnus is offended. “Do you think I’m a turnoff?” Isak is like … well, you’re not a turn-on. OUCH. Isak lives to drag Magnus and I love it.

Magnus is like BULLSHIT, you would bang me if you had the chance. Magnus, you were so desperate and horny this season that literally all Isak had to do was offer and you would probably seriously consider it, no matter whether he was your bro. Isak definitely had “the chance.”

But lmao, I love that Magnus is most concerned about not being a turn-on and needing to know that Isak finds him bangable. No offense, Magnus, but why do you care so much if Isak wants to fuck you?

Magnus asks him who he would fuck first out of the squad. To absolutely no one’s surprise if you’ve seen S1 (or frankly, even if you haven’t), Isak picks Jonas without hesitation and he and Jonas high-five. Jonas is probably like, ha, I KNEW I wasn’t completely unattractive! Magnus is then like, who between me and Mahdi? Isak is like, “It would be you … MAHDI” and switches his gaze from Magnus to Mahdi mid-sentence. Goddamn, Isak is ice cold. At least Mahdi’s fucking thrilled about being in second place!

More seriously, how marvelous is it that Isak can joke about this with his friends without any kind of tension or fear of judgment? Can you imagine the Isak at the beginning of this season participating in this conversation? Joking about fucking his (male) friends? His internalized homophobia would never allow it. Also consider that the very first clip of the season, the very first conversation we hear, is about Isak talking about which girls he would bang, and now we’re here, talking about which dudes he’d bang. We’ve gone from Isak being fake to Isak being real. We’ve come full circle in the hypothetical banging. This is a funny conversation but it’s also a mark of clear character development for Isak and establishing the good rapport he has with his bros. The boy squad has grown into a powerful force.

Magnus is upset no one wants to bang him. Isak is like, you’re too desperate. See, Isak presents it like a flaw, Even will assure Magnus to just let all his desperation out there, like it’s an asset. Which is probably why Magnus appears to love Even so much. Even totally gets it, guys.

Mahdi spies the dance chicks coming. I have to say I find this to be an underrated music moment. It’s a quirky choice of song, the lyrics are very strange and comical. It reminds me of a clueless teenage boy’s POV of girls, which very much fits the scenario. Quick, the girls are coming, we’ll need to talk to them! Uhhh, what do girls like again? Shoes, dancing, boys!

The boys sans Isak gape at the girls as they approach. Isak doesn’t seem too impressed. It’s a parallel to the first dance chicks scene, except then Isak’s lack of interest was funny but stressful, it was something that alienated him from the other guys, it was something he had to hide. Here his lack of interest is something he can just be open about, it’s purely amusement without the stress.

That one dance chick on the end looks a SHIT TON like Taylor Swift.

I do like that these dance girls - while admittedly all white and blond, which had to be intentional - look pretty typical for high school hot chicks. They’re not like supermodels Julie hired for the day, they’re the kind of girls you’d see at your school.

I’m not actually positive all the girls were in the previous dance chicks scene? I think the one who does the talking was in it, I can’t tell if the others were. But - and I mean this respectfully - they were all dancing, and I cannot tell all these blonde white girls in motion apart.

Anyway, the dance chicks go up to the boy squad. One of them seems to be appointed the official dance chicks representative and does the talking. The one next to her gives her kind of a nod and a look that suggests they planned how they were going to approach this, like “Let’s get that one gay guy to come to our party, what do we say?”

The head dance chick says that they know about Isak’s thing with Even and graciously bestows her approval onto him. Two boys together is so cute! Yikes. You know, this is an interesting scene because it goes after another type of homophobia, a “benevolent” one. These girls probably think they’re allies and are progressive, that this a good thing they’re doing. I mean, they think two boys together is so cute, right? Surely Isak would love to hear this! Gay rights!

There’s also perhaps some meta-commentary on Evak fandom here, since it’s in the same scene as Magnus dropping the ship name. Sometimes I think fandom overuses the “you’re FETISHIZING” argument just to shut down debate and bash ships, like do I think any girl who ships Evak is fetishizing by default? Fuck no. I think it’s more what the dance girls do here - “two guys together is cute.” It’s making a generalization, it’s treating gay couples as an object for straight girls’ entertainment rather than seeing them as people.

Also, those girls don’t even know Isak. They had to clarify that it was him when they approached him. With that in mind, it’s extra uncomfortable. I think it would be slightly different if someone like Sana or Eva said, aww, you guys are cute, because they at least know Isak and Even and hopefully were judging their “cuteness” based on their friends’ compatibility and their specific relationship, seeing them as people, rather than these strangers who are just like “boy + boy = cute” without knowing anything about them as individuals or the dynamic of that relationship. (Although we also see Vilde be like, “I love gays!” and she knows Isak and Even somewhat more. But then again, that’s Vilde for you.)

And lmao, they couldn’t have given a shit about the boy squad before Isak was outed, like learning he was gay just made them want to include him as a decoration at the Christmas party, next to the tree and the tinsel. Or suddenly turn him into their gay best friend. (I don’t want Isak to deal with these people who view him so superficially, but part of me also wants him to troll people who try to use him this way and just be the grumpiest, least fun gay best friend ever.)

Anyway, the boy squad exchange some looks. It seems like they are aware of how awkward the dance chicks’ comments are, but I don’t think that’s stopping them from being like “hot girls are talking to us” so they’re also hyped that the girls are here in front of them.

In response to their comment about him and Even, Isak is just like, cool. I love that tiny moment from the dance girls where they’re hesitating or not sure of themselves? Like maybe Isak didn’t react with effusive graciousness, maybe he didn’t instantly invite them to go shopping, so they’re a little thrown. They share another look. Dance rep says they’re having a get together on Friday and invites Isak. Magnus is like, HUNGRY EYES. Isak, completely unfazed, says he’s got the kosegruppa party on Friday, as the boy squad’s looks turn from excitement to horror.

I fucking loooove Isak for this moment. Because he doesn’t even hesitate, he just says he’s got kosegruppa, without any shame. From what I understand … kosegruppa didn’t seem to be the coolest organization around, right? (Even: “Did you think I was there to have fun?”) I mean, it’s run by “the biggest losers in school.” And the dance group almost certainly has more social capital. But Isak just matter of factly chooses the dorky revue group over the hot girl squad. And I love that Isak has been so grumpy and unimpressed with kosegruppa but now he’s embracing it. (I will say it to the end of time: We missed out on kosegruppa antics after this season. I wanted to see sooooo much of them.)

I mean, I’m also sure it didn’t hurt that it was a legit excuse not to hang out with these girls who were probably going to be cooing at him all night, but I like to think that Isak is both rejecting the “fake” party and embracing the silly but real party, with people like Sana and Eva who mean something to him.

The dance chicks seem stunned that Isak has chosen a crappy kosegruppa party rather than their party. They wander away. The boy squad makes faces at Isak.

Tarjei’s delivery of “What?” is truly golden. He sounds like a puppy yelping for treats. He plays it so sincerely that it’s hard to tell whether Isak really doesn’t get the impact of what he just did, or whether he’s that skilled at messing with his straight friends.

Mahdi is like, Christmas kosegruppa get together??? Isak is so nonchalant in how he replies. Oh yeah, I’m hosting it, so you’re invited. There is NO shame, no embarrassment when earlier in the season he hid it from his friends that he was hosting the pre-drink (which I think was a combination of embarrassment at hosting a kosegruppa party and of trying to keep the life with his friends separate from his life with Even in it and not have them intersect). He’s so cute and earnest here.

Mahdi says “the gates of paradise were open” (lmao) and instead Isak chose Christmas kosegruppa. What the hell, man.

Isak considers his friends. Then, like the coolest, sagest motherfucker on the planet, says, “Guys, you have to start getting chicks yourself,” and peaces out, dropping the mic as he leaves. Like he just leaves them in his confident gay dust.

Lmao, I love that, though. The thing is, it’s funny, but it’s not just that - again, it’s character development! Earlier this season we had Isak pressured into organizing a pre-drink with Emma and her friends because his friends wanted it, even though he was clearly reluctant. We had Isak also pressured into heading to Emma’s party in episode 5, when he had made it clear they’d ended on bad terms and he didn’t want to deal with her, because the boy squad needed a way in and they thought Isak had the golden ticket. Now he’s done with that. He’s not going to sacrifice his comfort and happiness just to help his friends hook up with girls. He’s done being smooth ladies’ man Isak, for obvious reasons. Time for the rest of the boy squad to step up for themselves.

We get a little more POV breakage in this last episode, as we stick with the boy squad a wee bit after Isak leaves. Mahdi and Jonas are still baffled, Magnus laments how unfair the world is and asks if they should ditch Isak’s party and go to the dance chicks’ one. It’s just a cute moment. I wonder if Julie liked David’s delivery here so she kept it in. I don’t mind POV breakage when again, it’s the last episode and Isak’s arc is basically wrapping up, and also when it’s something that isn’t an earth-shattering revelation - like there’s nothing here that we couldn’t have guessed ourselves about how the boy squad were reacting to this turn of events. It’s just a nice little coda to the clip.

Clip 5 - Make the Yuletide gay

It’s the last clip of the season, guys. I know I could have watched four more hours of Isak’s story. Get NRK on the phone with Magnus, have him pitch Isak and Even, minutt for minutt, so we can make that happen.

At the same time, this season is paced so well that I can’t fault it for not being longer. Every scene has a point. Nothing feels unnecessarily drawn out. The story clips along briskly. Isak’s arc feels full and realized.

Anyway, I’m getting my tissues out as to say goodbye to S3 and Isak’s POV.

This clip, and the whole episode, make me feel really festive. I associate it with all the sensations of when I watched S3 for the first time. Christmas lights outside, colder weather.

One thing going into this clip - I thought William might show up. It seemed like the season may have been building to that. Now, regardless of my feelings on Noorhelm, we had Noora struggling with her relationship with William all season, right? It was a parallel to Isak’s relationship with Even. If he really loves you, he’ll choose you. No one is willing to sacrifice anything for love in 2016. Those were also meant to apply to Isak’s thoughts and anxiety with Even. But, of course, Even did choose Isak, Even did sacrifice his existing relationship for one with Isak. Isak and Even get a happy finale. So … if that happened for Isak, it would make sense for Noora to similarly get a happy finale with William. But obviously William doesn’t show up. And I’m perfectly fine with that, although I have to say … if he were going to show up at all this season, I think it would’ve been way better here, in the finale, when we’re wrapping things up, rather than in the middle of the season. I mean, not to throw shade at S4, but William’s appearance in S4 episode 8 could not help but focus Sana’s final POV-focused episode on Noorhelm to a large degree. This finale is closing out some arcs anyway, like Magnus/Vilde, so it’s not terribly out of place.

I wonder if Julie wrote this season finale in a way that William could have returned if Thomas had wanted, but he was not available/didn’t want to.

This clip, and the whole episode, make me feel really festive. I associate it with all the sensations of when I watched S3 for the first time. Christmas lights outside, colder weather.

The first thing we see is Isak and the boy squad being cute. Did Jonas and Magnus acquire those Christmas sweaters in a hurry, or did they happen to have them on hand?

Just a note, that I’m really glad the boy squad ended up at this party. I mean, from a Doylist perspective, they were always going to, because Julie was not going to end Isak’s season without his squad present, but from a Watsonian perspective, I love that they did choose this warm, cozy party with the people they care about rather than what likely would have been impersonal with the dance chicks. (I’m probably projecting. They would have been fine seeing all the hot girls.)

Really, though, we have most of the characters we care about and who were important to this season? Isak, Even, boy squad, girl squad, Eskild and Linn. It’s Isak’s support network, the people who’ve helped him grow.

It’s Penetrator Chris! He and Eva are still friends with benefits, but apparently friendly enough that he’ll go to this Christmas party with her. You know, I didn’t think much about what tension this may have caused with Jonas there. I think they’re probably all over that drama considering Jonas has been to parties with P-Chris present before (in the S2 finale, for one) and that P-Chris reaches out to Jonas in the S4 final episode to ask how to flirt with Eva, lmao.

Anyway, I think P-Chris and Eva were definitely hooking up for the fans. I don’t have any strong feelings about Penetrator Chris outside of finding him kind of amusing in certain contexts, and I ended up being a big Eva/Jonas fan, but lol, this is kind of sweet that he showed up.

Eskild is wearing tights??? Very tight, very shiny pants, at least. And he’s got mistletoe strategically positioned over his ass, lmao. I can’t be sure but I think he is also wearing mascara.

I love that this party is less about getting wasted and making out and more about like ...making ornaments! And cookies! How sweet and wholesome.

Of course I write that right as girl Chris is making like a papier-mâché dick. And Eskild and Linn are putting condom ornaments on that tree. Guys, I think enough sex is happening among the various occupants of your apartment that you might want to hang on to the condoms rather than filling them with glitter, IDK.

Linn has also attended the party, bless her, and she and Eskild argue whether the tree is straight or bent, which seems to be a double entendre, as he concludes by asking her if she’s queer. Lmao, Eskild.

Also love that Linn chimes in that it’s straight right after the song lyrics are “Make the Yuletide gay.”

The girl squad is making Christmas crafts. Noora mentions “Drummer Boy” by Justin Bieber, I’m not sure what the context is, but Noora’s interest in Justin Bieber is kind of a nice running gag they have with her. I wonder what she thinks of him on a personal level?

The girls talk about exams. Chris is failing German and English, having no idea there was a 10% absence limit. So Isak wasn’t the only person struggling this semester. Sana and Vilde are like, we told you about the limit! Chris says that she assumed Vilde said that because she was jealous Chris was hanging out with Kasper so much. So was Chris skipping class specifically to hang with Kasper?

Throughout the season there’s been a pretty understated arc about Vilde not hooking up with anyone and feeling jealous about being alone. In the first episode, we had her eyeballing the hot first years with distaste and being seemingly miffed that Chris brought Kasper to the kosegruppa meeting because they were doing so much together. Then we had Vilde complaining to the boy squad about first year girls stealing the older boys and second year girls not having anyone to hook up with. We had Vilde and Magnus flirting, with her saying that she didn’t have anyone she wanted to hook up with at Emma’s party. Here we come back to that, as Vilde seems pretty jealous that her friends are getting laid and she isn’t.

This is actually interesting in light of S4’s opening clip, because both Sana and Vilde apparently told Chris about the absence limit, but Chris seems to direct her jealousy comment at only Vilde, maybe. Perhaps because the girls assume that Sana has no sexual feelings or desire to hook up with anyone, and don’t realize that just because she doesn’t do it means she doesn’t want it. But Sana is also without a boyfriend and the girls seem to think this is the natural state of things.

I wonder if Vilde was also jealous not just of Chris having a boyfriend, but Chris no longer being so available for her? We know that she and Chris are very tight, they seem to have known each other longer than anyone int he girl squad, and Kasper would’ve taken Chris away from Vilde.

Vilde gets up and stomps away, saying she gets tons of dick. Girl … no, you don’t. Anyway, now she’s on a quest for Christmas wang.

I do love lesbian/bi Vilde theories and I think you can easily twist this scene into Vilde needing to prove something among the girls rather than just her sexual frustration, if that’s more your style.

By the way, Vilde is 10 kinds of cute in that Santa hat. Look at her freckles!

Noora smirks at that comment about Vilde not getting any dick. Girl, you are not getting any dick, either. The dick you were previously getting went cold as an icicle and you refuse to use Tinder.

Chris offers to give Vilde her decorated dick. Noora has been making a condom ornament. I legit wrote about 10 gross jokes but I deleted them out of an attempt at good taste.

Eva is like … is that a used condom? By Eskild? Lmao, I don’t think that’s an actual used condom but Noora’s reaction is funny. The girls are like, get that used condom away from me, and Eva suggests smelling it???? What world do these girls live in that they need to test if a condom is used by smelling it? Like I’d rather just take a chance that I’d throw out a perfectly good, unused condom rather than smelling some random condom that has been ... used. I would not put myself through that.

Now we switch to what’s cooking in the kitchen with the boy squad! What’s cooking is a plan to get Magnus to finally make a move on Vilde.

Can we please appreciate Jonas’ “Merry Crustmas” sweater and Magnus’s Christmas elf sweater? Isak looks very nice in his button-up shirt but I’m not going to pretend I kind of wanted a Christmas sweater on him. Same with Mahdi.

Mahdi tells Magnus that he’s the predator and Vilde is the prey, he’s the lion and she’s the zebra, and it is a credit to the likability and sweetness of these boys that this just comes across as funny rather than creepy. Maybe because they’re basically teasing Magnus rather than this being 100% serious advice.

Magnus says he’s nervous. Isak asks whether he’s in love with Vilde. Magnus says he thinks so. That’s kind of sweet, lmao. I think the boys saw Magnus’ thing for Vilde as a joke but this makes it a touch more serious. Magnus wants to know what if she says no? Again, the uncertainty is cute. Isak says it’s not the end of the world if she says no, but to think of it as a positive thing if she says yes. Which is quite good advice!

Magnus frets over his sweater, whether it looks good, whether to touch Vilde. You know, this scene is even cuter now than when I first saw it? Because it’s easy to dismiss Magnus/Vilde as a joke pairing, and I completely understand why people would dislike that ship - I’m not a ride or die fan of it myself - but Magnus is so earnest and vulnerable here, wanting to get it right, and the boys are so sweet and trying their best to give him good advice. They’re not being sleazy about it, either.

Isak’s gaze changes because who should walk in but Even? Guys, it’s Even!!! No, really, I think Julie was definitely playing with the viewers a little, because Even’s attendance was not set in stone for this scene - I mean, look, there was no way he wasn’t going to be in the last clip of the season, but Even himself seemed unclear whether he wanted to attend. And yeah, we have Isak and Even kissing in the still frame for the clip, but seeing Even walk in here is like relief. We smile because it’s Even, guys!

Compared to the other boys, Even seems dressed down. It looks like he’s wearing sweatpants. His hand is not styled. It seems like he hasn’t been joining the whole party, he must have been camping out in Isak’s room or something. Perhaps talking to his mom. And I think that’s lovely? No pressure to attend, he can come and go at his own pace, he didn’t have to dress up. And everyone is fine with this. The boy squad treats him normally.

Okay, we gotta talk about those gingerbread cookies on the wall. There’s a gingerbread dick, and two gingerbread boys holding hands.

First of all: what an inspired set choice, and I want to know who came up with the idea, and whose job it was to go home and bake dick-shaped gingerbread cookies.

Second: in-universe, who do you think baked the cookies? Because my bet is on Even. We know he cooks a bit and I can see him baking during the day when Isak isn’t there, now that he feels a little better, but most importantly: the guy who drops dick references at any opportunity? How could he resist an opportunity to craft a gingerbread phallus? Or proclaim his love for Isak by recreating the Evak ship in cookie form?

It could also be a group activity, of course. I also think Eskild would make a dick cookie, but I do not buy him baking cookies on his own so much. I would love if it were a dark horse candidate like Noora, but the ultimate stealth penis baker: Linn. She has it in her. I know it.

One of those gingerbread dudes looks like he might be jizzing, but I suppose those could also be buttons.

Isak tells Even that the boys are helping Magnus fuck Vilde. Mahdi and Jonas are encouraging Magnus not to be desperate, but Magnus is confused about what desperate means in this scenario.

A detail I have never noticed, and that I fucking love: Jonas suggests that Magnus picture a cool, laid-back guy, and pretend to be him, and Mahdi says, “Maybe picture Jonas?” and points to Jonas. MY HEART. MY FUCKING HEART. Really, Jonas and Mahdi have such a side friendship going on. Of course Isak and Jonas are the BFFs, but Jonas and Mahdi have their own thing happening. Jonas is probably how Mahdi got pulled into the boy squad in the first place.

And now we get Even’s advice. He thinks Magnus should be himself and take desperate to the next level. Hey, he’s onto something! I mean, it worked for Even, being the most desperate dude alive. Now he and Isak are together. Also, man, this is going to endear Even to Magnus even further, when his sage advice is what got him and Vilde together. Even is a miracle worker.

I love that we see Even look into the camera, meaning he’s looking at Isak, while the boys are talking. This is such a small thing, but the fact that Even’s always looking to Isak even in group scenes does SO much for their chemistry. He can’t help but gravitate to him.

But also, that look was definitely putting Isak in on the joke, like, “Remember how my desperation worked for us? Trust me, I would know about taking desperate to the next level.”

Magnus decides fuck it, he’s gonna show Vilde how desperate he is, and Jonas and Mahdi follow him out, laughing. They gotta see this. Recently we had the clip of them cheering in the bloopers and I WISH we had seen their adorable reactions to the Magnus/Vilde hook up.

So now it’s just Isak and Even in the kitchen together, their last one-on-one scene of the season. The last time they interact directly, unless you count the glance across the room they share toward the end.

Even goes for Isak’s waist, and Isak touches his shoulder - good. The physical contact between the two is so casual and natural and makes you feel like these two are really a couple. Also, that casual as fuck domestic kiss, and Isak’s breathy tone of voice - he’s so satisfied being a married man.

Isak asks how’s it going. Even says that it’s fine, but that his mom is nagging because she really wants to meet Isak. We were deprived of that scene in canon, but Julie gave it to us in the scripts.

Isak is like … oh. Clearly a little nervous, taken aback, doing his best not to show it. Even asks if they should drop by tomorrow, and Isak agrees. I don’t think he can entirely shake off his nerves, because holy shit, Even’s mom wants to meet him - and Isak hasn’t been having the best luck with the adults in his life, tbh, and it’s always nerve-wracking to meet the future in-laws and you want to make a good impression - but he’s going to do it anyway. When Even asks if he thinks it’s awkward, Isak says he doesn’t think anything is awkward anymore. Awww. Character development! He’s rising to meet new challenges. Plus I think it might be a little awkward with like … meeting Even’s parents after the hotel scene, like Isak and Even’s bangfest got interrupted by Even walking out naked and getting picked up by the police. Sort of the elephant in the room, that night was a big uncomfortable ordeal, but Isak’s just going to deal with the weirdness of it.

Here we have Even looking at his phone and giving a befuddled look that would inspire countless theories. Why did Even react like that? Was it Mikael coming to ruin Evak’s happiness???? Whatever it was, it was probably just Henrik mucking up something on the phone, or maybe playing it as Even shaking his head at his mom’s nagging, or something innocuous. Maybe Isak borrowed Even’s phone and Even’s found his Google search results, like why is BUTT showing up all of a sudden?? You can project whatever you want on his reaction.

Isak says, as long as you’re smiling and wearing clothes, life is chill. Awww. Of course everything is great when Even is doing well, he just likes it when Even smiles. And of course there’s that little joke about Even wearing clothes. It’s nice how the hotel incident is no longer this terrifying incident in his mind, but something they can laugh about, like Magnus can laugh about his mom messing with the railway guy.

Even’s response to that, his expression of raising his eyebrows and grinning, is so funny and lovely, and it’s good to see from him, too! That he recognizes Isak’s joke, and that it’s not something to be ashamed of, but something he can laugh about, too.

Even promises to wear clothes, which is thoughtful of him, lol. I don’t think Isak has a lot of objections to Even not wearing clothes, but Even’s parents there would make it weird.

Isak gives him a fond-ass look, They kiss and this is the sweetest kiss, it’s a little passionate but ends with these two short pecks. It feels very natural. They start to rub noses because of course, gotta get in one of those, when Sana interrupts.

Man, think about being Sana and seeing Isak and Even be so cuddly and kissy! Isak, the grumpy partner from biology class, who’s now so soft and open, and Even, her brother’s friend who’s gone through some rough shit, smiling and at peace. It must be so nice to see these guys so happy together. Also, think about what a plot twist for these two random dudes on the edges of her life to find love together, lmao.

Isak happily greets Sana, and Even and Sana are “introduced.” I legit am not sure whether Julie had this storyline in mind at this point. Because definitely this scene kicked off a lot of theories, and speculation that they knew each other. I don’t think Iman and Henrik knew this backstory. But I don’t think I can totally write off the possibility that Julei didn’t have it in mind, because of little details like Even’s pictures of Muslim women on his wall, or the line about him learning the Quran.

For sure a lot of people wanted Even/Sana friendship in the next season. But generally, people were like “Wouldn’t it be cool if we saw them talking about the Quran at a party or something?” not “What if Even had tried to kill himself and Sana knew about it?”

Additionally, that little line when they’re introduced, when Sana says, “kosegruppa” - strangely that feels like support to me that this was planned? Because I mean, obviously they would know each other through kosegruppa. They’re at a kosegruppa party. So in context, it kinda seems like a little inside joke ... Isak asks if they know each other, they play act being introduced, Sana adds “kosegruppa” to reinforce that she’s not going to give away Even’s secret and that of course it’s through kosegruppa they know each other, not any other way.

Anyway, they’re cute, Iman’s cute. Isak introduces Sana as his biology partner ...AND FRIEND. AHHHHH. Gorgeous. Unexpectedly, Sana managed to become a special person in his life.

I love when Even asks how Isak is in biology, and Isak gives him kind of this “really?” look. Like Even’s winding up Isak and Isak is all, ha ha, very funny.

Sana’s reaction! She makes a face and says he’s useful, and of course Isak has to protest and talk up how great he is. I’m surprised he didn’t say, “I’m the MASTER of biology!” Even looks fond and amused at Isak being incensed at told he’s not great at something, yet again.

Sana hands Isak her little gift. It’s the 10%! Awww. Not only is this a funny gift, but it’s a mark of how far they’ve come this season? At the start of S3, she was blackmailing him and keeping his weed. She gave back 90% of it, but only after he’d done what she asked. Here she doesn’t have a reason to give it back here except good will. This is just a warm, friendly gesture with nothing expected in return.

Even: “Cool biology partner.” Damn straight!

While Isak is busy having warm feelings toward Sana, Even has taken the weed. Isak notices and snatches it back. Appreciate Isak’s hand on Even’s because that’s the only hand-holding we’re getting until S4.

So there was a bit of debate over this next part, when Isak snatches the weed from Even and the conversation that follows. Because the opinion that many people took was, isn’t this like what Sonja was doing with Even? Controlling him? And I can certainly understand why people would feel this way and wouldn’t care for this part. I had sort of a kneejerk “hmmm” response watching it for the first time. It’s one of those things that doesn’t bother me now, and I think there are certain differences between what Isak does and how Sonja handled these kinds of issues, perhaps. It has a lot to do with tone, I think.

First, Isak waited until Sana was gone to take back the weed - not sure it was intentional on his part since he didn’t seem to notice Even had the weed until Sana had left, but he didn’t make these comments until he and Even were alone. We saw with Sonja that she would make comments to Even in front of other people, such as asking him to cut down on drinking in front of Isak and Emma. So I think that by itself makes it perhaps easier for Even, that he’s not being embarrassed or scolded in front of other people.

Second, the way this conversation unfolds makes it seem like a joke. It doesn’t devolve into a serious lecture about Even’s smoking and what he needs to do and not do, it’s banter about Isak being paid to date Even. So I think that also takes some of the pressure off, because Even doesn’t feel like he’s being parented or controlled.

Finally … Isak has been dating Even for not long at all. He’s known Even is bipolar for what, like two weeks? So frankly. he might not get everything perfect at first, although there’s no indication Even is seriously upset with him here. But Isak has time to figure out this relationship and what to do and what not to do. Sonja had been dating Even for years, and even if he wasn’t diagnosed during that entire time, I think the way they acted together was more set in stone, probably it had been a while that this resentment had built up.

Anyway, Even asks if Isak is going to be telling him what to do now, Isak says that’s his job. Their faces are very close to each other’s. They’re flirting hardcore. Pretty sure this was all improv, about Isak finding a poster that said Even needed an assistant and boyfriend, and it’s fucking adorable.

Also, the importance of Isak saying, “Holy fuck, he’s hot!” He went from not being able to admit when a guy was attractive, lest he be seen as gay, to being able to comment on his boyfriend’s hotness openly. Bravo, Isak. It isn’t even a struggle for him here, it’s an easy statement.

I love how they look at each other and how Even leans in for the kiss as Isak is getting his sentence out, I love that Isak grabs Even by the back of the head for the kiss.That tells me how committed these actors were to getting into character, they make Isak and Even look so passionate. Like, Isak is 110% into this kiss!

I want to talk about their chemistry here in particular, because this is what sets them apart from other couples you see on TV. Look at this body language. It comes so easily to them to touch each other! They don’t break away and put space between them immediately after the kiss, they stay in each other’s personal space and keep their hands on each other. Look at how Isak’s hand slowly drifts from the back of Even’s head down his throat, lingering over the Adam’s apple, and stays on Even’s chest. Look how Even goes in for that easy brush of the cheek and tucks Isak’s hair behind his ears - and notice how Isak mirrors that gesture, by tucking Even’s hair afterwards. Now that is really great, like Isak is taking cues from Even on how to act with him, what feels nice, what makes him feel good and loved by Even, and he’s then using those cues back at Even. None of this moment feels stilted or fake. They feel like two people who are utterly in love and want to keep their hands on each other at all costs.

Let��s appreciate Even’s “what?” after Isak says Even’s mom is paying him to date Even, as well as the shove. Precious.

Also what an excellent bit of banter, that Isak brings it back to Even’s mom wanting to “meet” him. Ha! Tarjei’s delivery is so so good here, Isak seems so happy and good-natured. And a tiny thing, but I love that he starts to get his line out when Even is still reacting, and then restarts it. It’s one of Skam’s naturalistic touches, it makes it seem less like a rehearsed, scripted TV show and more realistic.

They tease each other, Even wants some of that money, Isak says it’s his money, this is all flirting. They really really want each other at this point. I think Even’s “drive” is back, if you know what I mean. I felt like he was two seconds away from throwing Isak up on the counter.

And that great kiss! It’s so different from the other kisses in this scene! Seriously, they’ve exchange four different kisses in about 2-3 minutes; 1) the brief, familiar hello kiss 2) the sweet, tender “gonna meet your mom” kiss 3) the passionate, teasing banter kiss 4) the “I can’t believe I’m here with you” entertained kiss. They all have different lengths, different levels of intensity, different gestures that go along with them. Imagine your OTP having this amount of variety. (I can!)

We cut to Vilde, probably because whatever happened next with Evak would’ve melted computer screens. Vilde is hanging up ornaments. Specifically, an ornament with a cute cat on it. Magnus approaches her. It’s a little quiet between them, although Magnus seems happy just to be near her. He asks her if she likes cats. Well, we know she does? She went as a cat for Halloween that one year. Anyway, she smiles as if he asked her the best question ever.

Magnus says he does too. Vilde seems to consider this fact with grave importance. Whatever will she do with this amazing piece of information?

What she does is meow. She meows, everybody.

Luckily, Magnus is charmed and/or turned on by this. He asks what was that, and while at first she downplays it, he asks her to do it again, and she does it again, meowing with perhaps even greater enthusiasm. Where the first meow was uncertain, this meow is imbued with confidence and Vilde’s beautiful smile.

Magnus is getting massively turned on from this, let’s be real. He’s biting his lip and looking at Vilde like she’s a snack. He suddenly gets serious and says he’s never fucked before and he really wants to fuck. Well, he’s being honest, I’ll say that much.

Vilde considers this admission of truth, and says, with dignity, that Magnus is welcome to fuck her, with a satisfied smile. Magnus looks as if she has given him the world and thanks her so it’s barely audible. He swoops in and kisses her.

Okay, look … feelings about the overall execution of Magnus/Vilde after this point aside, this is a funny and weirdly cute scene. It’s dopey and awkward but earnest, these kids are being deadly serious.

So when do we think these two got it on? Did they leave together and go to one of their homes, or did they find an empty room in Isak’s flat? Was there a line of people waiting to use the bathroom as Magnus and Vilde were busy? I feel like Isak would suddenly become Mr. Clean and sanitize the entire apartment if Magnus and Vilde had fucked there. (I mean, maybe that’s how you get Isak to do his duties and pick up after himself around the flat. Rent out the space for Magnus/Vilde private time, and afterwards Isak will go on a cleaning frenzy.)

Eva is painting an ornament and Isak asks to sit next to her. I feel like this scene was here mostly because people wanted Isak and Eva to interact, after going a whole season where they barely spoke, but it works, this scene feels fitting. It’s a conversation between the two of them where Isak gets to demonstrate how much he’s grown.

They even comment on how it’s been a long time since they’ve talked, which is understandable; I think Isak’s actions in S1 did something really drastic to their friendship, understandably, and that even after they talked about it, it wasn’t the same. Plus Eva broke up with Jonas so she wasn’t in Isak’s orbit as much, and Eva had made her own group of friends. Though I do think they were friendly in their own right, there just weren’t as many chances to hang out as they used to have.

They used to hang out so much, and now they only say hi at school. Awwww. Isn’t that the way it often goes? At least Isak and Eva mention how they should hang out more often, that they miss the times when they would hang out, in junior high and summer before Nissen. When there was a lot of drama, lol. That’s when Eva and Jonas would have gone behind Ingrid’s backs and cheated, and when she found out and all that. I can see it being a total mess? I believe Eva, Ingrid, Sara, Jonas, and Isak used to hang out more as a group - like didn’t Isak and Sara have a kind of romance going on in junior high? They dated a little bit? I can’t see that as anything serious, but that group seemed to have a lot of entanglements.

Eva mentions that Isak has gotten a boyfriend. Isak says yes, with some pride, and maybe a touch of astonishment that he’s gotten that far, to the point where he has a boyfriend.

They look over at Even, who’s assisting Eskild hang some mistletoe. Even is the exact person you need to help you hang up anything around the house, let’s be real. Eva comments that Even is very handsome, and Isak agrees - another moment where he can allow himself to admit that a guy is hot. Not even to Even, this time, but to Eva! To another person!

Eva jokes that she might steal Even. I wonder if the comment about “You better watch out for me, I might steal him,” lighthearted as it was, is what prompted Isak to bring up the S1 drama and apologize again. It prompted some memories of last year and his own behavior. Honestly, I think Isak had this talk in mind before he sat down - we know he’s been trying to bury the hatchet and make amends with people he has hurt. But maybe he didn’t know quite how to bring it up, and this was what gave him the push to do so.

Isak says he’s been thinking about what happened last year, and he wants to apologize for doing what he could to break up Eva and Jonas. It wasn’t right. Interesting that he makes clear he has been thinking about it lately, like the guilt has been weighing on him. I think maybe, because he got a taste of what happened with Eva recently, with him being outed at school versus her being bullied after he exposed that she kissed Chris, he can put herself in her shoes and understand exactly what spilling her secret did to her.

Again, this is why I like Isak. He fucks up but he apologizes. He does have empathy, he does care about how his actions affect people. He may not always get it right the first time, but he’s not some completely selfish little shit.

Eva says that Isak didn’t fuck things up between them, it was her and Jonas who fucked things up. Isak says he still feels like he tricked her, such as saying he had feelings for her. Ultimately, Eva and Jonas had their own issues - if these issues of doubt and lack of trust didn’t exist, then Isak wouldn’t have been able to come between them no matter how much scheming he did. Jonas and Eva did plenty on their own to tank their relationship. But Isak did throw some logs on the fire. And honestly, him lying about why he betrayed Eva, that he liked Eva instead of Jonas - that’s probably the least wrong thing he did, lmao. I can at least sympathize with why he lied about that.

Eva laughs and says she figured that out. She never mentions the BUTT and related content on the phone, which is fair, it would probably be embarrassing and an invasion of privacy. She says that she’s over it and he should be too. Awww. It’s nice of them to really lay it out there and get over this stuff. Isak looks at her so pleased. I mean, Isak apologized and they talked about it at the end of S1, but the thing is, it didn’t really heal their friendship or anything. I think they needed time for the wounds to heal, space from each other … Eva’s gained independence and Isak has found his real self. They’re both more mature people, so this can be some old drama to leave in the past, basically.

Eva wants to change the subject to Isak’s new boyfriend, obviously a very hot topic. Is he the man of Isak’s life, she asks?

Isak takes this question way more seriously than necessary, lmao, though not in a bad way! He says he doesn’t know, and ohhhh boy, while I like this speech a lot, I don’t blame anyone for having a kneejerk WTF at that. Even Eva seems taken aback, like maybe she’s not thinking Evak OTP 4-Ever but she wasn’t expecting this kind of blunt response. She wants to know why.

He asks whether it’s important, and she says no, but wants to know if things are going well with him and Even. Isak says it’s great now, but a week ago it was very bad, it’s up and down. I do want to point out that like, Isak and Even are just settling into their relationship, and two weeks ago Isak was blindsided by Even’s manic episode. This was something he was completely unprepared to deal with. But now he knows that Even is bipolar, they’re more open with each other, Isak has educated himself and risen to the occasion on taking care of Even. So I do think Isak is maybe overstating how “up and down” it will be from now on - obviously things won’t be perfect, no relationship is, but I think it’s fair to think that their relationship will be more stable going forward. Again, Isak is new to this relationship, he’s really new to any romance based on genuine feelings rather than fake feelings. It’s natural to have doubts, and he’s being pretty mature here acknowledging both the good and the bad.

He says the reason it’s so good when it’s good is why it’s so bad when it’s bad. Makes sense. Isak hurt so much at various points of the season because his feelings for Even were very real and intense, and when things were going swimmingly, they were amazing. The thing with love is that you are always risking something. In order to get the happiness that comes with love, you have to be willing to accept the potential pain as well.

“Suddenly it can be over tomorrow.” Isak :( It does make me a little sad that he has to live with this idea, but again, it’s mature in the long run. And frankly you could say this about any relationship, even ones with no obvious obstacles.

But this is also in line with the minutt for minutt approach - take it one day at a time. Don’t put this big stress or these huge expectations on yourself. Like if you’re going to take it one minute at a time so you don’t get weighed down by the bad stuff, then honestly, it kinda makes sense to do so for the good stuff as well? I mean, people get so worked up about what their lives are supposed to be - they’re supposed to be in a relationship, they’re supposed to get married and have kids by this or that age, they’re supposed to get into this university and get that degree and be on that career path according to the calendar. It’s OK to not have it all figured out. It’s OK not to put that stress on yourself.

Regardless, Isak is really happy that he met Even. Not just because he became certain he liked guys, as Eva suggests - and I think Isak was pretty certain about that prior to meeting Even - but because he was fake before. He doesn’t really go into it with Eva, but we know that part of him being fake was pretending to like girls, making out with girls, flirting with girls. Disavowing anything that could be construed as gay. Meeting Even was the catalyst for all of that to change. Meeting Even led to him coming out, to being in a relationship with another boy rather than living a heterosexual lie.

But interestingly, Isak doesn’t limit his fake life to his sexuality. It was him lying at home, watching Narcos and playing video games. Basically being bored and passive. Being detached from the world. He had this secret and I think it led him to retreating from everyone and everything in a meaningful way in order to cover it up. Isak is done with that, he wants his life to be real. He doesn’t want to be an observer or sit on the sidelines, he wants to live authentically and actively. (This explains a LOT about his actions in this episode - why he agrees to host the kosegruppa party for Vilde instead of, say, lying around at home doing nothing. Why he turns down the invitation from the dance girls, the “fake” invite, in favor of kosegruppa, with the people he cares about. Why he agrees to meet Even’s mom so readily, instead of hiding.) Even if his life becomes terrible at times, it’s better than a fake and boring life.

Eva seems very pleased with what Isak says. So does Isak. We get his final lines of the season, which are spectacular: “Whether you believe in Allah, or Jesus, or the theory of evolution, or parallel universes, there’s only one thing we all know for sure...”

How angelic is this music as he’s saying this, by the way? Makes it feel extra profound, heh.

Isak looks to Eva. We hear “Beautiful!” come from Even, which in a weird way feels like it’s a part of this conversation even though it’s not. Even is still helping Eskild with the mistletoe.

Eskild almost steals the final shots of the season by doing some kind of exaggerated check on how the mistletoe holds up. Or else he’s trying to get someone to come and lay a smooch on him.

Even looks across the room at Isak, and at us the audience, glancing between the mistletoe and Isak and grinning like he has plans for the both of them later. It’s much like he did that first time we saw him in the cafeteria, when he looked right at Isak/us. Only this time, Isak doesn’t force himself to look away, but looks back with some fondness. So, so good. We’ve come full circle, from the first glimpse of Even this season to the last. What a subtle mark of Isak’s development and how far he’s come.

Isak smiles and looks back to Eva. “That life is …” cut to black “now.”

CHILLS. MOTHERFUCKING CHILLS. Jesus Christ, the impact of that final line!

That fade to black is Julie reminding us, we the audience, that our lives are now, too. There’s something especially poignant about this talk of living minute by minute, living in the present, for a show like Skam, with its innovative real-time format. Skam literally airs minute by minute, in the present, or at least it did when airing. “Life is now” is essentially the central conceit of Skam’s structure. That’s why we talked about it like it was real when it aired. “Is Isak going to meet with Even today?” “Talk to Jonas already, Isak!” “Even hasn’t been school for a few days, I’m worried.” We fit this fictional show into our own real-life narratives, speculating when clips would drop based on real schedules. And here’s Julie basically reminding us that hey … life goes on when the season’s over. Our lives are still happening. She’s reminding us to live in real time as much as the Skam characters do. Embrace the present.

ALT ER LOVE - look, I realize that maybe this quote has been overused, and maybe people wield it as a get out of jail free card because they see any criticism as virulent unnecessary hatred (“don’t criticize anything about Skam or the remakes! remember alt er love uwu”) but this was so powerful at the time. This was just a quote on Even’s door! And Julie posted it for us on her Instagram after the hotel clip to give us hope, to tell us to hang on, everything would be okay. Here it’s made clear within the show, everything is love. I think this was also a love note to the fans, tbh. Much like “Skam <3s You” from S2.

I love the final choice of song so much, It’s “Thank God It’s Christmas” by Queen. Cool to use a band like Queen given that Freddie Mercury is an LGBT icon, and of course the lyrics fit as well:

Oh my love We've had our share of tears Oh my friends We've had our hopes and fears Oh my friends It's been a long hard year But now it's Christmas Yes, it's Christmas Thank God it's Christmas

How beautifully does that fit Isak’s relationships? With Even, with his friends. It’s been a rocky ride, but they’re here together for this Christmas party. Isak is at a much better place in his life. I think pretty much everyone at this party is in a better place than they were previously, arguably. I guess not Noora, depending on your POV? But she seems to be having a good time at this party compared to how she was earlier in the season. Magnus is getting laid, Vilde’s getting dick. The boy squad knows what’s up with their bro Isak and they’re all closer than ever. Even is in a new, loving relationship with someone who understands him and he’s making new social connections, he’s surviving in a new school, he has hope for the future. Isak’s closer with all his friends and has even made some new ones. He’s out of the closet. He’s on better terms with his mom. He’s in love with someone who loves him back. He and Even have gone through hell to get to this point. This happy ending feels utterly earned.

Social Media/Final Comments:

The texts from this week between Isak and Kollektivet are some of my favorite in the entire series. I think it’s fair that say that the Kollektivet taking care of Even is one of my favorite things in the whole season. I wish we had gotten to see more of it, though I understand why we didn’t (and we did get some hints in the clips themselves, like Isak’s phone call to Eskild, Linn playing FIFA with Even, and Even calling out Isak on asking his roommates to look after him). But good Lord, what a wonderful use of social media this week.

After Minutt for minutt, Eskild texts Isak wondering if he’s in his room. Not a metaphor, he clarifies, lmao. He keeps texting “Answer me” and there’s a nod to S2’s hashtag #williammåsvare, this time with isakmåsvare (William/Isak must answer). Finally, Isak tells his guru to chill. Everything’s OK. What a simple but satisfying answer. Like the clip, it’s reassuring as a cool drink of water.

In a Kollektivet text, Isak reveals he has taken Linn’s pizza to make food for Even. Both she and Eskild ask how Even is doing. Isak says that it seems Even is doing better, he’s sleeping a lot - Sonja told him he sleeps a lot when he’s depressed. Even also ate half the pizza, which I’ve seen people attribute to people overeating during depression (it’s common to eat too much or too little) but also like … a teenage boy eating half a frozen pizza isn’t that wild to me even when he’s not depressed, lmao. So it’s as serious as you want it to be.

One of the absolute best lines from Eskild, or anybody, perfectly summing up Isak’s character: “To think that there is so much care in your little grumpy teenager body.”

And Isak’s perfectly Isak response: “Whatever.” His character in a nutshell.

Isak says he can’t miss any more school but also doesn’t want to leave Even alone, quite reasonable of him. He asks about the others’ availability during the day. Eskild and Noora agree to be there. Eskild offers to create a schedule for the whole week with Excel, lmao - he’s always so over-the-top about everything, but he’s always got to do the most to take care of people. Like he is throwing himself into this project of nurturing. Isak asks if it’s OK if Even wants to stay the whole week, and the roommates agree. When there is room in the house, there’s room in the heart. Isak thanks them.

This is so sweet and so kind. The roommates barely know Even - although, to be fair, he did seem to make quite an impression on Eskild and Noora when he was making breakfast, lol. And there was that one week where Eskild was taking and sharing Evak cuddle pictures! But still they have embraced him and welcomed him into the flat, an already crowded apartment. It’s both kindness for Even and kindness for Isak. They know how much he means to Isak. And as Eskild notes, they know how good Isak is being with Even, how much kindness he is showing. Even is bringing out the best of Isak. Kollektivet is such a warm, loving place to live.

The next day, Eskild gives a status report on his time with Even while Isak was away, as we saw mentioned in the locker clip. Eskild made Even a snack and managed to get Even out of bed to play Yahtzee and watch some Planet Earth. OK, now I really feel deprived of all we didn’t get to see this week. You’re lying if you don’t want to see what playing Yahtzee and binging nature documentaries is like with Eskild and Even. He notes that Even was in a better mood when he left.

As opposed to Eskild’s detailed report, Noora is like, Even was chill. When pressed for details, Noora says he slept and she made him a cup of tea. Eskild is disappointed she didn’t go full status report like he did, lmao. Isak says he took Even out to get a kebab, so that’s good, that Even was able to go out and leave the flat.

Vilde posts a little IG story, I think, promoting the Christmas party. I would not be surprised if Ulrikke made this up on the fly, because there’s something Ulrikke-ish rather than Vilde-ish in her delivery, heh.

Actually, what’s amusing is that this video seems like a direct response to her conversation with Isak earlier that day? I’m not positive that it was posted after that clip, but I think it was. She says that she’s aware kosegruppa isn’t the first thing on people’s minds during the busy holiday season, which is her responding to what Isak said about almost forgetting kosegruppa. And in the description, she makes sure to note that you can’t join just for the fun!

She also says, “Are you finding it hard to get out of bed because it’s dark outside?” and I think it’s total coincidence but damn does that match Even’s mood right now. And the Christmas party will be a mark of him climbing out of his depressive episode.

On Tuesday, Noora texts Isak that Even won’t come out of his room, and that she went inside but didn’t reach him - he must have been too down to respond to her. Isak thanks her and lets her know he’s coming home. When Noora wants to know if there’s anything they can do, Isak says he’s calling Sonja.

I like this text for multiple reasons. First, it establishes the up and down nature of Even’s condition. Even had been doing better on Monday, when Eskild played games and watched TV with him. But he’s not out of the woods yet. Depression can be unpredictable, sometimes you’re down when you “shouldn’t” be. Second, I like this little Isak and Noora interaction, and that she contacted him when she was worried. That’s a relationship we don’t get a ton of, but I like that sometimes we see an understanding between their characters, such as the episode 6 clip where he snaps and then tells her William’s an idiot if he gives up on her. Third, that Isak goes to Even ASAP when he hears Even isn’t doing well. Fourth, that Isak contacts Sonja for help. He’s not holding back out of pride, he’s not afraid to ask for help. It’s important because it’s Sonja and there’s no beef there, he’s not reluctant to contact her to help with Even. And moreover, this is what Isak has learned over the course of the season! He’s realized that he’s not alone, that he can reach out to people for help. Being able to ask for help makes him such a more capable person, it shows his maturity and it keeps him from struggling by himself.

Later, in a Kollektivet chat, Noora checks in with Isak, who says that Even is OK and they watched a movie, he’s sleeping now. Eskild asks to switch Even shifts because he has to”sell krill at Karl Johan.” Errr, so is that an actual job he has? Or is Eskild being Eskild?

Linn offers to take the shift and says that she sees a lot of herself in Even. While Noora laughs at the idea of manic Linn, and Eskild says that if Linn is bipolar, Eskild is straight, it’s not that wild of an idea for Linn to recognize parts of herself in Even. Linn is probably not bipolar, we don’t get any indication of mania from her, but she's likely depressed. I mean, even Vilde was able to pick up on it, lol. Eskild says when they’re done with the “secure Even project,” they’ll do the “activate Linn” project. I mean, I certainly hope so?

He says that 2017 will be Linn’s year. Not that we got too much of a glimpse into Linn’s 2017, but I’d like to think that Kollektivet looked into getting Linn some help for her depression. (I also remember that some people were like “Linn for S4??” after that text, lol.)

Vilde texts Isak about the Christmas tree after their phone conversation Wednesday. She wants Isak to pick it up. He’s like, stress. Vilde insists that he get the tree because it’s Christmas and Christmas is about love, kosegruppa is about love, all you need is love! Why do I get the feeling love is on Vilde’s mind? I don’t know, maybe because she “casually” tells Isak he can invite Magnus and the others. Since the party is at Isak’s anyway. You know, no big deal. When he’s like, I’ll ask, she wants to know if they’ll have something else planned. Ha, she is really worried that Magnus won’t be there!

And it’s funny that she’s so obsessed with getting the Christmas tree because it’s Christmas and Christmas means love, and that what brings Vilde and Magnus together is a moment together at the tree, Vilde hanging up the cat ornament.

Also, yet another example of Vilde making a request of Isak, him putting up an argument briefly before agreeing to whatever she says.

One of the most meaningful IG posts in the whole series: Isak’s Friday picture of him and Even. It’s Isak and Even, out in public somewhere - it’s impossible to tell where, but it definitely seems like they’re out in the daylight, on the sidewalk. Even is kissing Isak on the cheek, a hand under his chin. Isak is smiling into the camera. And the caption - “no filter.”

Of course the meaning is much more than not using an Instagram filter. It’s that Isak no longer has a filter over this part of his life. He can live openly as himself, in love with Even. Consider that not even a year ago, Isak posted couple pics with him and Sara. Consider that just a few months ago, he posted a fuckboy-ish meme: “If you can’t remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.” Then Isak graduated to posting a picture of Even on his Instagram. It was Even by himself, though wearing Isak’s shirt. And now we have Isak and Even together, clearly affectionate, clearly unable to deny the nature of their relationship. I mean, we see in S4 that Sara was all EHHHHH??????? about this picture, very caught off guard that her ex is dating a dude.

But this is one way that the social media format can add so much to the story! Isak’s character development is charted through his social media posts. It’s fantastic.

Also, it’s a nice bit of optimism, because Even is clearly out and about, so he’s doing a little better, too.

In a boy squad text, Magnus pitches his brilliant idea of an app that watches YouTube videos for you to save time. I genuinely have no idea what the point of that is. Is the app going to summarize the video for you? Anyway, clearly, not the world’s best idea but Isak jokes that Magnus should call NAV (the public welfare agency).

Isak asks if the boys are coming to the kosegruppa party. Magnus doesn’t even know if Isak is serious with that, but of course Isak is totally serious.

Mahdi and Jonas seem unenthusiastic and unsure about the party, but all Isak has to do is drop in that Vilde’s coming to the party, and Magnus is like, OK, done. Lmao, Isak. I love that Vilde was so concerned that the boys would have other plans and then all Isak has to say to Magnus is that Vilde will be there and it’s settled.

The last text message of the season is between Isak and Sonja, of all people. But I love that it is. Isak thanks her for her advice and wishes her Merry Christmas. It’s a kind gesture. Isak is appreciative of the people who’ve helped him, and he hasn’t forgotten that Sonja has helped him. He isn’t mad at her, he doesn’t have a grudge of anything. And Sonja replies back, Merry Christmas to you two as well. Apparently she is definitely clarifying that she means to the two of them, Isak and Even as a couple, and not just Isak. That’s also meaningful. She has accepted that Isak and Even are a duo now, it’s no longer Even and Sonja, it’s Isak and Even. I’m not saying she’s totally over it by now or anything, that she doesn’t have any remaining feelings for Even or anger or sadness over how their relationship ended, but she’s accepted it. I think it’s likely that this is possibly the last time Isak reached out for her, that he didn’t ask her for help after this (and Even seems mostly out of his dark period so Isak might not need help for a while, anyway, and by that time he might have talked to Even himself and been able to get more information out of him on what Even needs when he’s up or down). If this is the last time they talked, it’s a nice final message, both of them respectful, Sonja in the process of moving on.

I’m sure Even talked to Sonja himself at some point. I don’t know if they stayed in touch too much, but I’m sure they had to talk at least for practical reasons, like they probably had some of each other’s stuff that they had to return, things like that. And I think that they probably needed a final goodbye conversation just to clear the air between them. Maybe not right away, maybe they needed a little time, but hopefully they could talk it out so they didn’t have any lingering bitterness or anything. Even if their relationship went poorly in the end, they still had years together, and they were important to each other.

And our last IG post of the season: a group pic at the kosegruppa Christmas party. We have the complete boy squad (with Even!), girl squad, Eskild, Linn, Penetrator Chris, and three randos who are there to make it look like an actual club, I guess (fair enough!) One of them is Tarjei’s friend Rumen. Though it’s funny that almost half of these people are not even in kosegruppa. (Or so they think. Because the rest of the boy squad is definitely getting dragged into it.)

In the pic, Magnus gazes longingly at Vilde - was this picture before or after their hookup? Is he staring at Vilde still wondering how to approach her, or is he waiting for this photo session to be over so they can get to the bone zone already?

Magnus isn’t the only one doing some ogling. P-Chris eyeballs Eva, and who of us can blame him?

The randos seem like the appropriate people to be in kosegruppa; they’re making weird expressions and one of them wields a rolling pin as if she can administer a beating to the first taker.

Eskild hugs Mahdi around the waist, and Mahdi seems pleased with this! Awww. Again, WHERE was my boy squad/Eskild content in the show?

And finally, of course we have Isak and Even, looking casually cuddly, Even’s arms around Isak’s chest and Isak’s arms over Even’s. Being able to be together just like that. Merry Christmas, everybody.

I’m not sure what else I can say about this season that I haven’t said elsewhere throughout these reaction posts, so I guess I’ll be redundant: season three of Skam is a masterpiece. It really is. There is barely anything I would change, and honestly even the few criticisms I can make are very small, so much that they’re just tweaks and nitpicks rather than radical overhauls of the material. I’m completely fine with the season as is. A thousand times more than fine, actually.

I watched this season in real time, from the pool scene to episode 10, and all that time I was expecting something to go off the rails. I was expecting something to fall down and disappoint me, and instead this season never went wrong. In fact, it turned out better than I expected every single time. The writing was better. The acting was better. This beautiful relationship at the core of the season developed into the best romance I’ve seen on screen, with electric chemistry. The friendships and platonic relationships became vital to the season’s importance, each one of them different and fulfilling a unique purpose - Isak’s friendship with Jonas is not the same as his friendship with Sana is not the same as his friendship with Eskild. Isak himself is a wonderful character. Yes, he’s prickly and grumpy. Yes, sometimes he does stuff that isn’t kind or likable. Yes, he’s very flawed. But we saw him grow from a repressed, unhappy kid in the closet to an empathetic, determined young man living authentically as himself, able to reach out to others, apologize for his mistakes, and display all the goodness and love that he was capable of. Tarjei made Isak into someone I always rooted for, at his worst and at his best. That’s not to even go into the additional strengths of season three, such as the multifaceted symbolism and the dynamite soundtrack.

This last episode shows why Skam is such a wiser, kinder show than most. We get an ending that is realistic and not exactly a fairy tale - it’s not like Even’s mental illness is cured by love or that we’re supposed to think everything will be all right, always. But we get an ending that is highly optimistic about Isak’s future, and Isak and Even’s relationship. We get scenes of characters quietly understanding each other without words. We get scenes of characters apologizing to each other for past mistakes. We get scenes of characters encouraged to be themselves, and expressing happiness at being able to live like themselves. We get scenes and messages of characters taking care of each other. This is why I love Skam so much. This is why people gripped onto this show so tightly and why many still have not been able to let go. This is why you are reading this more than two years later.

Out of curiosity, I compiled these recaps and the word count from these S3 reactions is 136,721 words. So if you got through all of that, really, I fucking love you.

Because I’m a cornball, I posted all of these S3 reactions at 21:21.

Thank you again for reading my S3 reactions! Alt Er Love ❤️

#skam reactions #skam #skam season 3 #evak #isak valtersen #long post #extremely long post

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tidesreach · 6 years ago

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what are your top 5 clips/scenes from s2 of skam italia? (i know it's hard to choose)

This was incredibly difficult, anon. How dare you? But l gave it a good go. This took longer to answer than I intended because I am me and thus I could not stop prattling on. Sorry? But here we are:

1. La Grotta / Martino e Niccolò

Tied first place because it is impossible to separate them. I refuse. I know I have already talked everyone to death about both of these clips but I just adore them. Every single thing about them. They are so important. La Grotta took my breath away. Both Rocco and Fede did such an incredible job at conveying the emotion of this moment. Because the thing is, Marti's issue was never entirely to do with Nico having a mental illness. Despite what happened in Milan, Marti still wanted to see Nico, to know that he was okay. Marti's struggle was predominantly with the idea that Maddalena (*side-eyes*) planted in his head that Nico's illness somehow voided their relationship and his feelings for Marti. Nico's illness never made Marti love him any less. In fact, Marti was afraid of the opposite. That Nico's illness meant that Nico didn't love him. And all of that is just so apparent in this clip. Because as soon as Marti realises that Nico is truly in love with him, not even God himself can fucking stop him from getting to that terrace. The entire scene on the terrace is utterly heart-wrenching and breathtaking. One of the most beautiful things about that moment is that Marti does not stop smiling through it all. It is the most certain and understanding and reassuring smile. He looks at Nico with so much softness and conviction. Because he knows that Nico loves him now. And that's all that really matters. Yes, it's going to be tough. But it's worth every second. He breaks through Nico's shame. He literally kisses away his tears. He soothes Nico's deepest fears. And all Nico can do is watch in silent awe that this boy really exists in front of him. That Marti's not ashamed of him or abandoning him. Like, it's so beautiful? Everything about it is just so beautiful.

Martino e Niccolò is just as beautiful. I've talked about this before so I'm not going to write an essay, but Nico's fragile vulnerability hit me like a fucking train. I can feel every single moment of his conflict and shame in this scene. Of how utterly terrified he is of Marti witnessing a depressive episode. Terrified that he's going to drag Marti down with him and that Marti will inevitably end up hating him and leaving him. And Marti handles it with such care and reassurance. So much gentle certainty. I am truly in awe of that boy. He is such a grounding presence for Nico. It was so lovely to see Nico respond the way he did. Because despite how completely horrible he feels he manages to smile. And that's a wonderful thing.

(Also I love when Marti's on the phone to Maddi and she says, "It's not true that he only wants to be with you because of his illness" etc. Because Marti's face is so funny? His expression literally says, "Yeah, cheers, but I already fucking know that now. No thanks to you." In fact, he doesn't even dignify the comment with a response. I love you, Martino.)

2. Due Ore

I will never forget the night that clip dropped (or the previous night when we were all sat waiting for it and it didn't drop, what a fucking time). I love every single second of Due Ore. The atmosphere -- the feeling -- of that scene was just incredible. It was like an exhale. You could feel it. Could feel the relief, the finally, this is where we're supposed to be, after the tumultuous push-and-pull of the last couple of weeks. You could feel the inevitability of it when they were stood there staring at each other. Nico's nervous anticipatory smile as he waited for Marti to make the first move. Marti grinning back at him in earnest. They both knew that there needed to be an actual conversation at some point. But in that moment it just wasn't necessary. It could wait. Because everything was written on their faces. This is what I want. You are what I want. We talk about fate a lot with these two -- the red string of fate! -- and I never felt it more strongly than I did in this scene. You could almost see the damn string tying them together. It was inevitable and they both knew it.

3. Patatine e Marmellata

Getting to see them wake up together was such a blessing. The way Marti was sleeping on Nico's chest, gosh. They looked so peaceful and content. It was wonderful. And their conversation -- the conversation that they inevitably had to have -- about Maddalena was important. "I want to figure out how I feel for myself." It gave us an important insight into Nico's headspace and the way the people around him treat him and his illness. When Marti directly asks him how he feels, Nico's face just lights the fuck up. It hurts my heart a little. When was the last time someone asked him that without trying to dictate the answer for him? His soft, whispered answer of "You know perfectly well. And it's never happened to me before." He knows how he feels and he can finally say it and not have it questioned. Marti's smile and his little breath of a laugh -- like he just can't contain how delighted he is that they feel the same way -- before his "Me neither". And then of course, Buon Viaggo. The way they literally cannot stop grinning at one another. Their soft kisses in between serenading each other. I mean, you could not make this up. And god, the way Marti stares up at Nico when he starts singing absolutely floors me every time. He is so in love with him he is completely incapable of keeping it off his face. Then he just straight up calls him the man of his dreams. And not forgetting the boys and their incredible dance and sing-a-long while cleaning the kitchen. How was this clip even real? What a fucking blessing.

4. Nel Mio Letto

Soft Boyfriends(tm). This is always my first go-to clip when I'm feeling particularly awful. Because there is just something so incredibly comforting about it. It's like a warm blanket and a hot cup of tea on a bitter cold winter's day. I think it's to do with the cosy softness of it all. The way they're intertwined. The sleepy cuddles and kisses. The coffee. The coffee heart. The song. It's like a wonderful bubble of contentment. Like Nico's bed is its own little safe haven. I love the whole atmosphere of it. It really does feel like they are the only two people in the world. Which ties in perfectly with their conversation about the last man on earth. (Still sad they didn't get their three days in bed though.)

5. Halloween

HALLOWEEN. Everything about this is iconic. The giraffes on the beer glasses? Marti dramatically ditching his mask in front of the Catholic church? The lighting in the pool? That shot of them underwater where they're surrounded by an endless expanse of water like they're in the ocean? Nico somehow managing to never stop fucking smiling at Marti even when trying to hold his breath underwater? I love that Skam Italia managed to make the pool scene their own. It was a world away from the OG scene (in the sense that it has a completely different feel to it) and I love that. I love that they're both essentially the same scene but evoke so many different emotions. There was this sort of giddy anticipatory feeling with Marti and Nico. Their kiss was like taking that first breath after being underwater for so long. The way they clung to each other? The way they were so in awe of each other? Like in Due Ore there was that overwhelming feeling of joy and relief. Finally.

Honorary mentions, because just five is too hard:

Tu Non Sei di Milano

It feels a little bizarre to call it a favourite clip. It would perhaps be more accurate to say that it is a clip that particularly resonated with me. I have only watched this clip in its entirety three times. The first time I was on a bus to London -- frankly I should have known better than to watch it in public -- and I almost had a panic attack while watching it. I sobbed in a public bathroom for a good twenty minutes, it was quite the day. Because I recognised so much of myself in Nico and his behaviour and I felt so much empathy for him. It hit me like a fucking train. It was the most difficult clip to watch, but it was also incredibly important. It took me a long time to rewatch it. The second and third times were difficult too. But also cathartic in a way. When you suffer from an illness like BPD, it can be incredibly isolating. You can feel like there is no one else in the world who can possibly understand what you're going through or what it feels like. Sometimes I think, "I'm ridiculous. No one else does this crazy shit. Why am I like this? Why can't I just snap the fuck out of it?" Watching that clip was validating in a lot of respects. It was difficult to watch but it also reminded me that I am not alone. That there are other people out there who experience the same struggles that I do. Who battle with episodes like this too. It was an incredibly tough watch, but it was so important.

Also, veering away from the more painful aspects of that clip: I absolutely love the way Nico seduced Marti in front of that damn neon light. Marti's soft and naive voice when he's attempting to read the "how fun". Nico's "no, no, it says Marti and Nico" and insisting Marti look again just so he can catch him by surprise in a kiss. Those achingly slow and soft kisses they exchange are probably my favourite kisses of theirs. That scene was just so intimate and beautifully done.

Vediamo

One of my favourite things about this season is the dynamic between Marti and his mother. It was so lovely to watch them heal and slowly but surely repair their relationship. Vediamo really captured the essence of that. Marti's misplaced anger towards his mother during the fallout of Milan. The brutal yelling. The way they both sit on opposite sides of the door. Marti's quiet and tearful "Are you sitting there?" His mum asking him if he thinks she would have a problem with it and then her sobbing "You are the most important thing in my life." The two of them just bloody sobbing on either side of the door. I am tearing up thinking about it. Good grief. I absolutely adore Mamma Rametta. And of course, "Vediamo" and her calling it Martinese for "No." Their tearful laughter. I love it so much. They have their ups and downs but they really do love each other unconditionally.

Effettivamente

This might just be one of my favourite coming out scenes that I have ever witnessed. Fede did such a wonderful job at conveying Marti's inner struggle. The way Marti has to fight to get the words out. The way he falters a little when he says "It's not a girl." It makes my own heart falter every single fucking time I watch it. You can see him wrestling with the words. And Gio, darling Gio. I love Giovanni Garau with a U (it's Sardinian), resident Love Wizard. He's such a wonderful friend and I just really adore the way he handles it. The way he stops playing FIFA to give Marti his full attention. That wonderful and supportive smile of his. How he asks questions about Niccolò and lets Marti get out some of the shit he's been holding onto. He really puts Marti at ease. You can see the relief seep into Marti's body when he realises that nothing is going to change between them because of this. Marti's huge smile when Gio says "He needs to leave his girlfriend" and then ruffles Marti's hair. I love supportive best friends.

And there you have it. Sorry, you asked for five and I gave you about nine. You probably didn't want a novel. But what can I say? I have a lot of love to share.

#skam italia #aela answers things #do i ever shut up?#skam italia: thoughts

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cozy-possum · 6 years ago

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If we had happy endings, we'd all be under gravestones now. -Rosalie Hale Everyone dies the same, everyone mourns differently

Carlisle knows he’s not able to scream. The risk of the creature, of his own kind finding and killing him is enough to keep him silent as he realizes he’s dying. He does not hope for heaven, he know whatever it is he’s becoming will not be welcome. He closes his eyes coaxing himself to give in, to accept the darkness. When he wakes and feels the burning clawing its way in his throat he whines and hisses curling in on himself and finally giving in to his human instincts. He knows he is not anymore, but he cries like a human child. Sobbing and begging, he shakes and claws at himself feeling the cool of the stone and his skin merging into one. He screams when he thinks, when he can feel his memories clawing to the front of his brain. He stares wide eyed at the image that his brain pulls as he begs for heaven, as he begs for death and an end to the fear. He stares breath crushed from his lungs as he see’s himself a tiny child, resting on his mothers cooling chest, while his father screams about demons taking his wife.

He returns to London, to the crumbling church, to the ancient graves and cemetery he owns. He clears the weeds and flowers, replacing every flower bouquet on the graves, he knows he’ll have to replace all the headstones again; the century he had left them alone had not done them good. He brushes his hands against each grave mumbling a prayer and their names, wishing them well. He drops to his knees before the two graves at the back, his thoughts turning to his change, to his first memory. To the first and last time he thought of his mother besides these anniversaries.

Edward curls away from the thoughts, from the chorus of wails and internal sobbing. He lets Carlisle move from his side, standing at the front of the church delivering the speech he knows his mother would have wanted. Esme sits with him, tucked in the back row. Edward wrapped in layers and bulk to hide himself from his extended family, there is no one left he cares for. Esme pulls him closer. She turns on the couch, patting his arm. He doesn’t look at her; he can feel her arm rubbing against his in a comforting gesture. He thinks of his mother, before the flu, before the death; in her place, comforting him. “Memories?” Edward shakes his head; he knows he should have tears welling up. “Just wondering.” He sighs and presses his head against Esme’s shoulder seeking comfort. “About?” “The Masen family. Carlisle said her funeral was lovely, everyone brought flowers and they remembered the good times. Barely anyone was sad. That must have been nice.” Esme strokes Edward’s hair. “I’m sure your mother is very happy where she is.” “Of course she is.” Edward nods trying his best to restrain the chorus of ‘you’re right next to me’ he wants to share with Esme from leaking out. He can see Esme’s mouth turn up slightly and feels her fingers tighten on his arm and he knows he’s failed. He can feel her thoughts, warmth and happiness twine around them and he settles next to her thinking maybe slipping up isn’t so bad.

Esme like to pretend, she knows it’s not healthy but she’ll make dinner’s and lunches, giving them to people she sees on the streets or to families who wander too close to their hidden house. She’ll sneak off to the hospital, making sure Carlisle is busy on shift as she breezes into the nursery in a borrowed nurse uniform. No one knows her as Dr. Cullen’s wife; here she is simply Nurse Platt. The woman with an incredible knack for knowing when babies are having trouble breathing. She hates she has to restrain herself, unable to fully help every child that cries and wails. She can’t let everyone know she’s lying. She makes a point of staying longer than she should, testing the limits, her chances of Carlisle seeing her. She knows he will not act as Charles did, but she can’t help but wonder. “Ms. Platt. Did you forget about our lunch date?” She bristles when Carlisle calls her and she turns smiling brightly. “No doctor, of course not!” Carlisle leads her out, carefully holding onto her arm as he leads her down a back alley pathway. Esme does not comment on where they’re going when he speeds up, letting their increased speed take them towns and cities over. Esme nods watching as Carlisle pulls flowers and a stuffed bear from his bag. Esme grips them in her hands as she takes shaky steps forward. Carlisle follows right behind. “I heard they were going to re-carve his name, it was getting weathered, I wasn’t aware you had called them and-“ Carlisle stops frowning, he’s not sure why he breathes in, but the intake causes a faint smile on Esme’s face. “They never gave him a birth certificate, not an official one. I thought this would be alright; if it’s-“ Esme turns suddenly worried before Carlisle pulls her into a hug. She smiles into his shoulder. She leans over and Carlisle steps back, intent on giving her a few moments alone. She nudges him, after he was lost in thought. Carlisle nods stepping towards the tiny gravestone. “Happy Birthday Joseph.” Carlisle smiles brushing his hand against the stone, he pretends nothing is different as he walks back to Esme and away from the newly carved lettering of Joseph Platt-Cullen’s grave.

Rose refuses to look in mirrors for years; it takes two decades to coax her to take the sheets from the mirror in her room. She shatters it later that week screaming and pounding her stone fists into the glass and farther into the wall. She’s almost hysterical when she goes to Esme trying to stifle her sobs and trembling as she shows her the ruined wall. Esme brings her to the couch and sits with her, stroking her hair and kissing her forehead as they wait for Emmett to return from his visit. “Rosalie it’s alright.” His response is automatic as he pulls her carefully into him. Esme watches how his hand circles her lower back, his other brushes the top of her head, before carefully combing down her hair to cradle her head as he pushes her to his shoulder. “Did you break another mirror?” She nods whining as he strokes his hand through her hair. He shifts slightly, pulling her against his lap and huffing a breath into her hair. She freezes, content to stay wrapped in Emmett’s arms as she pretends not to hear Esme and Carlisle talking about her. “It must be impossible to live with, such a struggle to have all that beauty mock her.” Esme looks worriedly to Rose as she turns back to Carlisle who nods and gestures to the back door. “This conversation might be better-“ Carlisle pauses and watches as Rosalie is pulled from Emmett’s lap by Edward just as carefully. “We’re going for a hunt.” He nods to Emmett as he and Rose rush off. Emmett turns gesturing for them to follow. They end up standing huddled over Rose’s vanity, Emmett pulling out a worn picture. It’s obvious it’s been taken after Rose’s engagement. A family photo for her new home; to remember her old life as she starts her new one. Carlisle frowns, he knows when this was taken, before her trip to Vera’s, before the alley. He doesn’t need to talk more about the hatred of mirrors or the fear of seeing herself. “This is from the day she was turned.” “It’s nice to pretend I wasn’t horribly killed isn’t it. That’s what happened though. I was murdered. And now.” Rose appears in the doorway scowling, but it softens when she see’s Emmett. He wraps her in his arms. “And now I’m frozen a permanent reminder of what I’ve lost. Of what’s been destroyed and taken from me.” Rosalie swallows hissing slightly. Esme watches as Emmett’s arms shift; loosening and carefully moving around Rose’s body, hovering just shy of touching her. They leave them sitting on the bed talking in hushed tones. Neither Esme nor Carlisle mention how much she looks like her mother, or her brothers. They don’t bring up the family resemblance she’ll only see in mirrors forever.

Emmett is overlooked. Not physically, not many can get over his ironic bear like stature or his boyish smile and curled hair. He’s overlooked mentally, which gives him the perfect opportunity to lie, everyone believes him, content to keep the façade of his idiocy. He’s formed a routine so tight that he only needs ten minutes to execute his excuses and set it into motion. He slides Carlisle ID and medical coat from his study, passing by the laundry room and covering himself in the faint scent of detergent. He fakes everyone out, hanging the coat on the line to dry, before carefully sliding it on and vanishing into the night. He makes it to the hospital in less than two minutes, pulling various medicine and notes from the cabinets. “Dr. Cullen? Oh, Emmett sweetie, do you need something?” The nurse beams as he smiles at her. “My daddy sent me with a list but I lost it. I need the new flu medicine they have, he said it was called, uhh, what was it.” Emmett over exaggerates the scrunch in his nose and the pout on his face. The nurse laughs handing him a few boxes. “Here you go! You make sure you get all your shots now.” She laughs as Emmett grimaces again. She leaves and he tucks more morphine into the bag he’s brought. He stops by the tailor and the local grocer, picking up the clothes he left in and buying far too much food for a normal person to carry, but they brush off his ignorance at the amount of food blaming his hunger for buying so much. He drops half of it to the food bank and rushes farther into the woods crossing two towns over where he repeats the process over again. “Emmett. Nurse Jackson told me you stopped by last night, after dinner.” Carlisle’s smile is tight lipped. Emmett nods. “Picked up some morphine.” Carlisle frowns. “Emmett.” He scolds and watches as Emmett shrugs refusing to meet his eyes. “You know it doesn’t work on us.” Carlisle pats his shoulder and Emmett nods. He knows Carlisle will leave him alone for tonight, he only needs two hours to make it there and back. He takes his time, backtracking and doubling over unnecessarily as he makes his way to his human house. He leaves the medicine and clothes, as well as the food. “Emmett?” He can hear a woman’s voice choke out. He doesn’t turn fully, catching a glimpse a painfully familiar face. “Mom I-“ “It’s Julie, Emmett. It’s-“ He pulls her into a hug burying his face into her shoulder as he picks her up. “You look just like mom. I thought, I’m sorry it’s all I can do.” He sets his younger sister down almost bubbling with excitement as he notices her stomach is rounder. “I’m going to be an uncle?” He can’t help he excitement, the ease at which he falls back into his human life. Julie nods, but pauses shaking her head. Emmett watches her scowl towards the door and makes a shooing motion. The door swings open and she glares as a young boy comes out and clings to her skirt. “I should be off then. See you ‘round.” He knows this will be his last trip up. He sighs shakily and takes a few slow steps towards the forest. “Emmett get inside will you!” Julie scolds and Emmett reflexively ducks his head in shame, turning halfway around before facing back to the forest. “Coming Momma!” the boy shouts. Emmett only takes half an hour to get home.

#rosalie hale #emmett cullen #carlisle cullen #esme cullen #edward cullen #twilight #twilight fan fiction #twilight fanfiction #twilight saga #twilight saga fanfiction #twilight revival #twilight renaissance #twiwrites

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doomedandstoned · 6 years ago

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Closer To The End (part III)

I contend that human beings are not suited for the world we've fashioned for ourselves. Cases of anxiety and depression are practically ubiquitous, and suicide in all age groups is once again on the rise. Some will suffer mental afflictions that last years -- perhaps even for a lifetime. This is the third and final part of my story.

~By Billy Goate~

Cover art by Ruso Tsig additional art by Karl Briullov

I'm so tired of hearing that I'm wrong Everyone laughs at me, why me? I'm so tired of being pushed around I feel like I've been betrayed

youtube

We take each other's love, forget to give back Isn't it a pity, how we break each other's hearts I know we're only human and not to blame But who the hell are you to cause so much pain Why...

MEDICATION

My parents have been anti-establishment for as long as I can remember. In the climate of the 1980s, the institutions of the day were being called seriously into question. One of them was the authoritarian nature of public education (there's a reason why Pink Floyd's "Another Brick in the Wall" resonated so strongly with people). It's no surprise that my family got caught up in the first wave of the homeschooling movement. Other areas of modern life began to be called into question, as well, taking the family down a dark, windy road that led into conspiracy culture, extreme libertarianism, and religious dogmatism.

This distrust of the "experts" put us at odds with the medical establishment, too. "Doctors only know how to do two things," mom would often proclaim loudly in one of her famous rants, "cut you open or prescribe you pills." Natural medicine held the keys to recovery from all ills, be it cancer or the common cold. "All those chemicals aren’t good for your body," she insisted. "God put everything we need for healing in the ground." I’m not here to knock naturopathy (I was an ardent follower of this way of life for years) nor my mother for her convictions, but there are some things that can’t be cured by Saint John's Wort and herbal tea -- major depression being one of them.

At one point, my anxiety, melancholy, and a generalized feeling of social isolation reached such a heightened state I turned to hypnotism, enamored by an obscure radio program hosted by Roy Masters and his Foundation for Human Understanding. I was too young to understand the significance of most of the bullshit he was spewing, but it was the comprehensive approach to life that appealed to me. I wanted answers -- all of them. About the only thing I got out of it, though, was learning how to make my own arm go numb through self-hypnosis.

Later, I'd get caught up in a movement of Biblical counseling that rejected psychiatry altogether. "Christ has given us all things we need for life and godliness," says the holy writ, ergo we need none other than Jesus to cure our mental ills. Furthermore, the thesis said, since "God has not given us a spirit of fear" it must mean that the root of depression and anxiety is ultimately sin against God. The answer? Confess your sins and walk by faith, not by sight. In short, pray the sadness away. All of this had limited effectiveness in coping with the claustrophobic cloud of melancholy that was constantly with me.

Cough & Windhand: Reflection of the Negative by Windhand

The stigma of psychiatry and modern medicine kept me from treating my depression for damn near a decade. Somewhere in my late twenties, after a prolonged and particularly dark depressive spell, I decided to talk to my medical doctor about antidepressants. He started me on the industry standard, the well-known and well-marketed Prozac, which became a household name in the '90s. I took the first dose at bedtime and when I woke up, I was seriously hating the daylight. Feeling extraordinarily fatigued, all I wanted to do was sleep. I called in a rare sick day from work. The next day I was feeling groggy, but well enough to return. Giving it the good ol' college try, I took Prozac for several weeks as directed, but the side-effects just weren't worth it for me. That’s when I was referred to my first psychiatrist.

It was a weird feeling sitting in the waiting room for my appointment. I felt like I’d joined the ranks of the fragile, broken, and confused, perhaps even the insane. It was hard for me to see myself sharing anything in common with the others that shared the tiny lobby. The psychiatrist who greeted me looked like a regular chucklehead -- you know, one of those sidekicks from a sitcom that's not coming to me now. (It just came to me: Glen from the Tom Green Show.) A paunchy man in his 30s with wavy dirty blonde hair parted to the side donning wire-rimmed glasses, the shrink pulled out a notebook and started asking me about my background, while he busily took notes. Turned out, the man was very methodical in his approach. Over the course of the year, we cycled through all kinds of drugs -- Paxil, Effexor, Wellbutrin, Lexapro, Zoloft, and a lot of other names I'm not remembering, before finally settling on Cymbalta.

Certainly, this was something I didn't want to share with my coworkers, much less mom and dad. The first time I told my brother I was taking antidepressants, he was outraged. “You don’t need that stuff in your body. You don’t need pills to feel good.” I don’t know what it is about antidepressant medication that offends people so badly, but some people feel it is their personal mission in life to get you off of them. Why all the evangelical fervor? Are they secretly afraid they are "nuts," too? It’s not like I’m trying to get everyone else to take my medication, but suddenly these people, well-meaning or not, are trying to get you off of your meds.

I’ve seen YouTube videos from a guy claiming that God has cured him of his bipolar disorder and he flushed all his pills down the toilet (bad idea, by the way). Then a month later, he comes back online crying uncontrollably, talking about how he feels like God is testing him and asking viewers to pray to stop Satan’s onslaught. Moral of the story: It's dangerous to let people's religious opinions and untested hunches drive the agenda for our mental health.

I'm very reluctant these days to talk to anyone about my depression, because of all the rush to judgement involved. Ironically, it's this breakdown of community that I believe is at the heart of much of our mental health issues as a society. Look at the comments on any confessional video addressing burnout, depression, or anxiety and you'll find everyone is suddenly an expert who knows so well the precise and perfect solution to your problems. Well-meaning or not, it's incredibly annoying and I'd rather not have trouble with it. Hell, it took me two years to finish this article.

Depressed people are often viewed with the same cynical dismissiveness ascribed to angsty hormonal teens. "It's just a phase, you'll get through it," you're told with the reassuring wave of a hand. Besides, they remind you, "Happiness is a choice!" Because they are feeling chipper today, they have little patience for you dampening their mood. Others call you edgy when you say the pressures of life are so great that you feel like just turning off the lights on all of it. Still others will view you as selfish for leaving the family reunion early (or not wanting to participate in holidays at all). When you spend the whole weekend in bed sleeping, they'll accuse you of being indulgent, not realizing sleep gives you a respite from the hurt, guilt, and regret of painful memories or the misery of an unstable home life. Or the well-meaning "It Gets Better!" It doesn't always get better as life moves on.

Then there are those who try to talk you off your meds, entirely (cue: the ridiculously overwrought Facebook posts). We've all been privy to those conversations that strike a conspiratorial tone about how it was really the pharmaceutical companies that led to Chris Cornell's death. "You should just get off the stuff," they argue -- be it from noble intentions or just pride from clinging to an opinion they've stubbornly invested in.

Then there are those who are convinced that since Jesus (or Buddha, Allah Oprah, Jordan Peterson or juicing) gave them an escape from their depression, certainly it is the universal cure for all that ails you. Understand that I was a committed Christian for decades. I know what it is like to feel spiritually serene and I value many of the things the church gave me as a young adult, namely the fellowship, tolerance, and love. I know the feeling of peace that comes from believing in someone who reigns over the chaos and cares about your every need -- an ultimate being who will make sense of the nonsense one day.

I don't wish to diminish anyone's faith or diminish your personal experiences. The fact is, however, that major depression is as much a physical illness as cancer is. Certainly, there are transitional feelings of unhappiness, emptiness, and despair that come from facing situations that seem out of one's control -- the nightmare roommate, being laid off from a job, losing a loved one. It's also true that in most cases, this sadness can be overcome by a new perspective, trying better strategies, or simply allowing the passage of time to do its healing work. Depression can be impacted by one's beliefs, but there is a kind of depression that exists independently of one's perspective on life.

SUICIDAL TENDENCIES

Apart from this series of articles (which took me a good two years to publish), I've stopped sharing my depression with other people. It's annoying, because most people don't know how to listen and empathize. They want to jump in with a solution that, if implemented by nightfall, just might make a difference by daybreak. It's just more hassle than it's worth. Over time, I've gone from being someone with an intense need to belong, to not caring what people think about me at all. I'll often go out of my way to avoid anything deeper than transactional relationships. Once a social butterfly, you'll find me quite the hermit these days. As a consequence, while I was once open to sharing my feelings of loneliness and despair, I rarely mention them any more on social media and practically never to my IRL friends. I would be the last person to call a suicide hotline, by the way. Judge me if you wish, but I'm just being honest. If you want to know what is going on in the head of a severely depressed person with suicidal ideation, here's a least one brain you can peer into.

There's a general consensus that suicide is a selfish decision, even a cowardly act. This was a casual opinion of my own for years, as well. Not until suicide touches someone in your life -- or when you enter its despondent realm yourself -- does the ridiculousness of that notion becomes apparent. Understand that for a person to commit suicide, they have to overcome the brain's own strong predilection for self-preservation. It's not so easy to take the step of ending your life. Something has gone terribly wrong with the brain's ability to convincingly cry, "STOP!" for that to happen.

In my worst bout of depression, following the demise of long-term relationship, I reached the point where every waking moment was sheer misery. Some call this anhedonia -- the inability to feel pleasure. Normally, when we are feeling blue, we seek out something to stimulate our pleasure receptors. That's why ice cream, chocolate, and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups are popular go-tos for the bummed out. For me, it's always been music and movies. On this particular week, though, I had somehow lost the capacity to find any joy whatsoever in the usual pastimes. Anything that attempted to pacify my mood met with my contempt. The only thing I could do to escape the agony of just being alive and conscious was to sleep...and sleep I did. At first 8 hours a night, up from my usual 7. Then it advanced to 9, 10, 11, 12 hours. When dawn came, a wave of misery washed over my mind again.

Once, I woke up feeling so despondent that I knew with absolute clarity that I could end my life. Today, I could actually do it. Immediately upon this realization, I wept bitterly. I've not cried like that before or since. If anything, I've become more stoic about the idea of suicide. Don't get me wrong, my internal sense of self-preservation is still quite strong. The problem is that in moments of severe depression, that instinct is dampened. You'll do just about anything just to get rid of the feeling of misery making it unbearable to be awake.

DOOM AWAKENING

One of the most important developments in treating my depression, besides medication and therapy, was the discovery of doom. There's an old expression that misery loves company. I don't know about you, but when I listen to music it's not generally to cheer me up. No, I want my tunes to have a certain level of commiseration with what I'm feeling and going through at the time. When I discovered (quite by accident) Saint Vitus, I knew I'd found my soul food. I can't fully explain that eureka moment when Dave Chandler belted out that first downtuned note on the guitars on "Born Too Late" or when Wino joined with plaintive lyrics for "I Bleed Black." This resonated with me powerfully. It brought chills. This was medicine for my weary head, a kind of mental morphine to dull the pain. I'd come to the Roseland Theater for Down and left with Saint Vitus.

As a funny aside, my roommate (who accompanied me to the show) and I rehashed the bands of the night, giving our two cents on this or that. One thing he said still makes me smile a little inside. "What did you think of Saint Vitus?" I asked. "I don't think they're the kind of band that will withstand the test of time," he remarked. "Well," I rejoined, "they have been playing now for over 30 years and were the co-headliners on a national tour, so their sound must be resonating with a good number of people." Sure, it wasn't for everyone, but on that night my doom had come.

Every song on 'Born Too Late' (1986) so perfectly captures the malaise of the deeply wounded soul, not just in lyrics but in the whole vibe. There's a thick, smoky haze permeating the record and it reminds me a lot of what it feels like after you've poured out your heart until you've got no more tears left to cry. Come on, don't pretend you're so macho that normal human emotions elude you. It's hard to put doom into words, but I'll try: on the one hand you feel emotionally exhausted because you've emptied out all those pent up feelings of loss, fear, regret, and frustration, on the other hand there's a feeling of "reset" and it often makes things much clearer to sort through. For me, when I've exhausted all my emotional resources, I'm left with a feeling of blithe acceptance. A sense of being dealt a set of cards by the impartial hand of fate. That's the kind of vibe that Saint Vitus captures perfectly for me on this record.

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I spent entire weekends on those long, wonderful rabbit trails of discovery. "Dying Inside" led me to Trouble's "The Tempter" with its oh-so-tragic central riff. Lyrically, the songs I was running across could not have been more apropos.

Pentagram, The Skull, and Candlemass were not lingering far behind. Then came the more recent monoliths of doom: Electric Wizard, Windhand, High on Fire, Burning Witch, Khanate, Pilgrim, Serpentine Path, Usnea, Demon Lung, Ancient VVisdom, Dopelord, and the NOLA sludge scene, along with lesser known but equally as powerful acts like Undersmile, Shepherd's Crook, Reptile Master, Purple Hill Witch, Witchthroat Serpent, March Funèbre, Beldam, Hooded Priest, Regress, and 71TONMAN (listen to the Spotify playlist).

Doom metal spoke to me with a sharp realism that I connected with immediately. When you have no strength left to get angry at the world, you switch your listening habits from Car Bomb to Cough. You can say, I suppose, that doom was my salvation. It kept me hanging on a little while longer. The salve of those slow, low riffs gave me a strange feeling of consolation. "We know life sucks, too. Welcome to reality." It's like being awakened to the Matrix, but feeling there's not a damned thing you can do to change any of it. Your fate is sealed. It's an honesty that is both refreshing and freeing, I suppose, though one does wish to reclaim the notion of hope.

Believe it or not, even after writing all of this, optimism is my default mode. When I'm feeling well, and even when my depression is at low levels, the needle always leans towards inspiration, creativity, even a mischievous sense of humor and an aw, shucks smile that people tend to notice. I don't want to be depressed. The problem is that severe depression can make you feel, illusion or not, like you're paralyzed from doing anything about it.

As I've experienced more and more cuts and scrapes of life, I've become increasingly numb to it all, like the massive build-up of scar tissue. Things that upset me easily in the past might still hurt, but I've come to expect them, so they have the impact of a dull table knife. Perhaps I'm becoming a nihilist, despite my optimistic tendencies. It's hard not to be. Don't worry about me, though. If anything, I want to stick around to see what's going to happen next. It's the inborn curiosity we all have inside of us -- the same thing that I imagine kept Stephen Hawking going for decades after being wrecked by a disease that cruelly mangled his body into its famously misshapen form, stealing away his most basic expressive freedoms -- save for the power of his eyes and the thoughts behind them.

I've also made a deliberate attempt to pursue treatment (both psychiatric and psychological care) for my depression, which I urge you to do if you are likewise laboring under its crushing weight. The perspective of time, coupled with a remedy for mind and body can have a significant impact on your perspective, if not your life circumstances.

THE WINDY ROAD AHEAD

Learn from your mistakes, don't dwell on them. Repeated affirmations like this one may seem trite, but they are ultimately true. You can be free from the chains of guilt and move forward, as one performer puts it, "from strength to strength."

Don't kill yourself (literally or metaphorically) for someone else or for someone else's decisions. It may bum you out that a roomie decided to take your money and run or that you were rebuffed by a long-time crush or made jobless through corporate-wide cuts. You don't own that, they do.

Walks

Get off the couch, move that bod. Something as simple as a walk down the block or a drive out of town can do wonders for your perspective. As a homeschool teen living under the strict rule of a radical fundamentalist household in rural East Texas, my one salvation were those long walks in the open field -- especially when my parents started having loud, intense fights related to my mom's own mental health. I sorted through so many of life's problems (most of which seemed much larger then than they do now) through those solitary, hour-long strolls.

I really miss that where I live now, in a more congested neighborhood, so I have to find other ways of getting away from it all (getting up and out a half-hour before the other walkers, for instance, helps). Even if I don't want to rustle myself awake and move around to do as simple a task as taking out the trash, sometimes the feeling...let me revise that...quite often the feeling follows after the decision has been made and the body is in motion.

Projects

Another piece of advice I have for coping with depression is to channel your frustrations in projects. When I'm depressed, I throw myself into my work. Hell, Doomed & Stoned started because I needed a project to pour myself into. My counselor asked me once, "If you woke up tomorrow without depression, what would be different about your world?"

She encouraged me to start with the things that were in my immediate vicinity. "Well, there wouldn't be mail strewn all over the floor. My dirty clothes would be in the hamper, my clean clothes folded and put away. I'd take the time to cook myself a meal, instead of running out the door eating a quick bite out of some package."

Good, let's make a list and start there. Do at least one of the things on your list between now and the time we meet again next week.

Talks

Despite my isolationist ways, I begrudgingly admit that talking often helps, too. Though I'm an introvert and am horrified at the idea of sharing my feelings with others, I've reached points in my depression where I was compelled to tell others about it. It's as natural to do that as to cry out when your body is experiencing jolting pain. I'm one of those verbal processors that tends to sort through my problems by talking to someone else. Often, pride or shame or lack of trust gets in the way of sharing with our family and friends, so at the very least the much talked about Suicide Prevention Hotline could actually help you gain perspective on your situation.

Journals

If you don't talk, at least journal. Again, I'm not a journaler and this is the first time in almost three decades that I've written about anything related to my depression. Role play with me. You're a scientist studying the human psyche. How would you describe those feelings you call depression? When I was first asked to describe it to a counselor, I found myself at a loss for words. She helped me with prompts:

Can you tell me what it feels like?

"I walk around feeling like a dark, thick raincloud is hovering all around me all the time."

Do you feel it in a part of your body?

"Well, yeah, I guess. The head. And the chest. It feels like there's pressure building from all around me, like my head is going to explode. My heart feels like it's going to leap out of my chest."

What's happening around you when these feelings arise?

I'd then go on to detail some recent happenings. She'd press me further to describe the kinds of thoughts racing through my head in these situations. All of this was really helpful in getting me to define this nebulous, gray malaise that was following me everywhere I went.

I don't keep a journal, per se. Something about it feels needlessly egotistical, a vain attempt to reinforce the illusion in our YouTube fame crazy world that my life is worth discovering and remembering at some point in the distant future. And yet, writing down one's thoughts can be another effective way of untangling that anxious ball of feelings that keeps me from thinking rationally about the depression I'm feeling.

Today is my birthday, but I couldn't care less. It's not about getting old. I stopped caring about that 10 years ago. It's something about celebration, specifically when the attention is on me. I can't adequately describe how contemptuous I find it. My last birthday was spent alone in an empty house and a bottle of Scotch, catching up with past seasons of Game of Thrones. I was so glad it was over and the happy birthday wishes stopped. There's nothing special about this day for me.

At some point, my family stopped celebrating birthdays and holidays. I'm not sure when it happened or why. Certainly not for religious reasons, more probably for financial ones. I grew up in a family that barely scraped by, so birthdays seemed a luxury we couldn't afford. Now, it just feels indulgent. More than that, it feels sad. It reminds me of all the disappointments, hurts, and failures of the past year. It's not as though it's all bad, of course. If nothing else my birthday gives the illusion that a chapter has turned, with new possibilities for the future. I also have to come to terms with how many people out there actually seem to care about me, maybe even love me.

And later that day, I forced myself to go to a show I was quite enthused about, but didn't factor in depression being the party pooper.

I can't account for what it is that comes over me. There are people here that genuinely like me, who probably even want to get to know me better, but I push them away. Not so much directly, but indirectly, by excusing myself to use the restroom and then changing my mind midway and just leaving the venue -- without even the courtesy of a "goodbye" to friends or a "great show" to the bands. I feel awful about it afterwards, but in that moment it's like a flood of emotional pain washes over me and it feels like I'm carrying an anchor chained around my neck. I feel the great urge to find my way to unlit corners. To look busy and preoccupied. Would it hurt me to say hello? To smile? Perhaps not, but right now my psyche is tingling like some kind of Spidey Sense telling me, "Get out of here! Just get your shit and leave...NOW."

As dour and hopeless as that may feel, just the act of writing it down afforded me a release, which incidentally I did not feel until the writing was all said and done.

Hope, a new beginning Time, time to start living Just like just before we died

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Hurt, falling through fingers Trust, trust in the feeling There's something left inside There's no going back to the place we started from.

ONE MORE THING

For those of you who are wondering what you can do for a friend, family member, coworker or just someone you know casually from shows you both frequent, I couldn't say it better than one of my longtime fellow travelers in doom, who offered up this advice:

"While it's all very well and fucking dandy that there are so many people telling those who are struggling to reach out to them, I don't think people are quite understanding just how mental illness works sometimes. People quite often don't reach out, because those that are suffering from mental illness, at times, feel like they are a burden by unloading their shit onto someone else, despite the invitation to do so. It's generally the same concept that leads on to suicide.

I obviously can't speak for everyone, but I can speak for myself when I say the last thing I want to do is reach out to anyone because I feel like I am a burden and everyone would be better off without me -- and that is ultimately why I don't reach out. The point that I'm trying to get at is if you see someone struggling YOU reach the fuck out. If you don't see someone who used to be around, YOU reach the fuck out. Think about it. It's not that hard."

Well said and completely on the mark. At the same time, if you're feeling alone and uncared for, you may look at people’s lack of inquiry as more confirmation that you are worthless trash. You may interpret a busy person's slight as utter rejection. Don't worry about what others may or may not think of you. You need to take care of you, for you. The future is fickle. Your fortunes can change on a dime, so why base your self-worth and your decision about whether to live or die by how you feel right now? Ride it out, seek out help, get a game plan in play.

I say this as someone who knows how hard it can be to get mental health. I was double insured -- through my employer and the Veterans Administration -- and I couldn't get a god damned psychiatric appointment to reevaluate and adjust my meds. I called all over town trying to get in with someone. "Sorry, we're not accepting new patients" was the universal refrain. The VA would just be too many month's wait, I told myself, based upon how long it has taken me in the past to get a conventional medical appointment. In desperation, I called up my primary care doctor who asked if I was suicidal. For the first time in my life, I knew with full certainty the answer was yes. The more miserable I felt, the more I contemplated dying. If I did it, it would be something quick and sudden, I would daydream in my most despondent moment. "You need to check yourself into the hospital now," she told me adamantly. I did exactly that. I walked into the ER and told them I was suicidal. They led me to a room, had me take off all my clothes, and put on a hospital gown. I stayed in a padded room waiting for a social worker to see me. It was a desperate move, but it did pay off in getting me fast-tracked to see a psychiatrist.

One thing I learned about medication from my new psychiatrist (because he was very caring, very careful, and hence very effective at his job) is that everyone’s brain chemistry is uniquely different. There can be other issues impacting mood, too, such as thyroid, environmental stressors, sleep problems, vitamin deficiencies, and so on. Again, it’s often hard to see whether the cart is leading the horse or the horse is leading the cart, in terms of the mind-body connection. Long story short, this doctor adjusted my meds to near perfection to get me through the rare summer-long depression I was experiencing.

Just a few months later, he got hired away to work for the County and I was left back in the same boat once again. I got a great referral, but didn't realize until bills came in I couldn't pay that the doctor was out of my insurance network. Believe me, many people prefer to go without care entirely than to go into debt and I was one of them (truthfully, I still am). I went another year until I couldn't take it anymore and this time in my desperation reached back out to the VA. Surprisingly, they saw me within a week and prioritized my suicidal depression. I'm now in a good spot as a result, but it was a long, windy, uncertain road getting here. I know it's hard to find help. Sometimes you don't know what's available to you until you knock a little louder and get people's attention.

The older I get, it seems the more stubborn I am, particularly when it comes to reaching out and asking for help. Perhaps I've always been that way and am only now realizing it's become a liability. After taking off three weeks during the holidays to catch up with the many projects that were piling up around me, I realized that my depression was sometimes stronger than my will to power through and do my best work. I would find myself sitting at the computer for hours trying to get started with a story, trying to edit audio for a podcast, trying to prepare a team member's submission for publication, and every time I would find myself coming up against something painful, perhaps similar to the long recognized creative crimp known as writer's block. I describe it as an inhibitor chip in my brain that sends pain signals to my psyche whenever I contemplate moving forward.

Of course, rationally, I know it's all just a matter of the will, right? That's what those who aren't experiencing depression will tell you, at least. They don't want to go to the gym, but they make the choice to do it anyway, so why can't you just "man up" and do what needs to be done? Well, those aren't so much the messages other people give me, as they are my own conscience. The guilt itself from a day coming and going without results adds its own layer of complication to my mood. Thankfully, I have a wonderful counselor who understands and is helping me to tackle this with cognitive strategies. This, coupled with sensible medical treatment, has at least helped me to find "even flow" again.

Finally, you're going to have some bad days where you may even want to be productive, but your body feels like it's in revolt. As a creative person who loves to pour myself into as many projects as I can when I'm feeling good, it can be extraordinarily frustrating to not even feel the will to check email, open a letter, or listen to a stitch of music. Most days, I'm trying to work in concert with my body's natural rhythms. I'm more of a morning person and get my best work done between 8AM and 11AM. Anything after that is going to be hit or miss with diminishing returns. With that in mind, I have to hold back from starting new projects before the ones already on my plate are finished, because when I'm feeling good, I think I can take on the world.

This is all a part of me rediscovering what it's like to feel balanced, bright, and in love with life. It can be frustrating to have that feeling back, only to watch it wither away as the week progresses. Since I have very high expectations of myself, it's natural for me to heap guilt upon guilt for all the missed opportunities, but beating myself up only compounds the problem (it took me a long time to really get this about myself, too). Every day is a struggle, but I've decided I'm staying in the fight for the long haul.

In short: Be patient with yourself. Be fair with yourself. Be good to yourself. Remember, this too shall pass.

"Someday you're going to die, just like some day I'm going to die. But until then, you fight like hell to stay alive, you get that?!"

-- William Holden, The Earthling (1980)

#Closer To The End #Depression #Suicide #Doom #Metal #Saint Vitus #Trouble #Alice in Chains #Windhand #Doomed & Stoned

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