#“being able to feel safe with other people”

[bambidabbles]

I sat for the pledge all through school. I was abused by more than one teacher about it. I was forced to speak on the Day of Silence because the teacher that day took me into the hallway and started yelling at me about it. I was sent to the office.

That didn't happen most days, though. But it's a significant thing to know can happen. Be brave 🩷 I don't regret it at all. I felt uncomfortable every time I was forced to stand for the pledge during an assembly, etc.

Here's the main argument you're likely to get from refusing to stand for the pledge:

"there are brave men at war who would give *ANYTHING* to be able to stand for the flag, but they lost their ability to stand while fighting to protect your freedom. Your refusal to stand for the pledge is a disgrace to their sacrifice"

There's a few ways that you can respond to this, depending on the angle you want to approach it from.

"I'm honoring their commitment to my freedom by practicing my right to peaceful protest." (Good argument if the teacher in question is conservative)

"I won't stand for a flag that put those men at war. My freedom isn't threatened by outside forces, it's threatened by a government that wants me dead."

(this is one that feels powerful to say 🩷 but it may land you in trouble. Sometimes it's important to say what's on your heart, because those witnessing your protest will think about that moment later on. It could be formative for them, and you may find community through it)

"I am exercising my right to peacefully protest."

(This one is short and to the point! Sometimes being wordy is dangerous. Say what you mean concisely and stand tall. This is a neutral option 🩷)

Sometimes your teacher might ask you why you're protesting. I advise you to practice your points. Narrow it down to your top 3 and rehearse them! Other folks will ask you about why you sit for the pledge, and this is how movements start. It's important to know what you want to say when people ask 🩷 the more of you are unionized the safer you will be 🩷

Stay safe out there kids 🩷 it's a scary time for all of us. The world puts too much on your shoulders, and I'm so proud of you for standing up for what you believe.

dear usamerican high schoolers looking for a way to resist fascism: sit through the pledge of allegiance.

no getting up. no looking at the flag.

everyone will be looking at you. you'll be sweating like a fucking hippopotamus. your teacher will sternly tell you to get up. you'll feel stupid and that maybe its not worth it because you're just a kid in a classroom. but I'm here to remind you that there are no real life consequences to detention. there are however real life consequences to resisting a thoughtless performance of nationalism.

[cinnamqnx]

the five times you knowingly & unknowingly encountered spiderman 🕷️🕸️

pairing: spiderman!rin x f!reader

ONE | the first time you met rin itoshi was on your first day at a new school unbeknownst to you that he was the anonymous hero who was currently going viral all over the papers and news. you had opened your pencil case, accidentally flicking your pen off your desk to which rin had impressively caught despite it going at 1000mph before handing it back to you.

“oh, thanks.”, you let out a half laugh while your brows sort of scrunched up, shocked at how he was even able to catch that.

he didn’t say anything in return, but gave you an awkward smile and a small nod.

TWO | the second time you came across him was when shidou was picking a fight with him. now, you was made very aware of shidou by his constant flirting and attempts to ask you out so it didn’t shock you when you saw him causing a fight on the school yard with rin.

“just leave him alone, shidou. this doesn’t make you ‘cool’ at all.”, you say, air quoting the word cool.

he lets go of rin’s collar, walking over to you with his goofy grin he always has when he sees you, “hey, pretty.”

you scoff, “not today.”, walking away from him, causing him to follow you like a lost puppy and lose all attention to rin, who was silently thanking you for stepping in.

THREE | the third time you met him wasn’t as rin, but as spiderman. the city was in chaos due to a villain who called himself the green goblin destroying buildings and landscapes, all to enact ‘revenge’ on spiderman.

you felt like your heart was beating out of your chest, all you wanted to do was go shopping with your girls, and now you wasn’t even sure if you’d be making it home.

as you stood on the highest level of the shopping mall, you felt the floor beneath you begin to crumble. panicking, you tried running to any exit as it continued falling at a rapid pace.

you began to brace yourself for the fall, knowing how this would end, your feet no longer on a solid ground. before you even got the chance to scream, you felt a firm grip on your waist, looking up to see the one and only spiderman.

you knew the fangirls he had were crazy, and you always thought it was the most ridiculous thing. but, after you suddenly felt your heart lighten from the previous dread, all because of him, you could understand why.

he quickly put you down somewhere safe, checking you over, “are you okay?”, he asks quickly, knowing he was needed elsewhere.

“yes.. thank you.”, you stumble your words, still slightly shocked.

“be careful, y/n, okay?”

“..okay.”, you nodded, but wait, did he just say your name? no.. it must be the shock, surely.

FOUR | the city was holding a parade for spiderman after managing to save countless people against the villain the country had come to know as green goblin. you decided to attend to show your appreciation. after all, he had saved your life; you was eternally grateful to him. after the parade began to die down and the children being taken home, you were met with an upside down spiderman right in your face after walking towards a more private area in the centre of the city.

you jump slightly at the sight of him, “hi.”, you say breathlessly.

“hi.”, he replies, you felt awkward, not expecting to see him like this.

“sorry. thank you, so much for the other day. i genuinely thought that i’d-“

“i know.”, he cuts you off.

you smile slightly, “i wish there was some way i could make it up to you.”

“…how about..?”, he mutters behind his mask while pointing to his lips, so quietly you almost didn’t hear him.

you thought it was cute, but was also surprised by his sudden request but who was you to turn him down. you smiled softly, gently lifting up his mask past his lips, “like this?”

he nods, feeling the softness of your lips on his. it wasn’t a passionate make out, but it was sweet and innocent. rin thought it was perfect for his first kiss, and especially with the girl he had the biggest crush on.

FIVE | by now you’d had enough. who was spiderman? you felt like everyone had been asking this question for months but it felt way more personal to you. there was something so familiar about the hero you kissed but you couldn’t quite put your finger on it.

“stop!”, you yell running through the rain which eventually lead you down a back alley.

spiderman actually did stop to your surprise, causing you to slowly walk closer towards him as if he was a skittish cat, “who are you?”

“uh.. spiderman.”, he states, his tone a little awkward.

“no, that’s not what i mean and you know it.”, you stepped even closer to him, hesitating before reaching for his mask and to your surprise he didn’t stop you.

you gently lifted his mask, only leaving his lips exposed, leaning in slowly and gently kissing him like you did back at the parade. and of course, he kissed you back.

you began to unravel the rest, pulling it over his head, still kissing him softly. with his eyes screwed shut, opening your own, you moved back to get a good look at his… wait- is that rin fucking itoshi?

[shot-by-cupid]

There’s nothing wrong with wanting unconditional love from your f/o, there’s nothing wrong with being ‘the exception’ there’s nothing wrong with making ur self ship super lovey dovey- there is nothing wrong with making your f/o love you in the way you want to be loved!!!!! It’s your ship do whatever you want

proship/variants + neutrals and RPF DNI

[loz-and-lu-fan-blog]

Linked Universe, The Hero of War

My headcanons/aus

Art by Atro

Colored version.

Long talk/Ideas under the cut, warning for implied self-harm and intentional scarring. (Note: I may add stuff over time, but nothing will be deleted from the list)

Twilight. Wind. Time. Hyrule. Four. Sky. Legend. Wild.

Warriors (Hyrule Warriors): Other nicknames: The Captain, Knight, Pretty boy, Flirt, One-Man army, Scarface.

Titles: The Hero of Hyrule, the Hero of the Era of War, The Gerudo’s prince, The Blood-stain General.

God who has claim over his soul: Demise (Because of the blessing from Ganondorf)

Note: Because of how much his war affected time and all that, he has met many different versions of the hero and looked after them (pretty much babysitting them). He’s also fought enemies he shouldn’t have and been to corrupt places, so he knows a little bit about everything.

History (note connecting to an au so most not canon):

Link was abandoned in the desert because he was a bastard, he ended up being adopted by Ganondorf the leader of the Gerudo. This Ganondorf knows the history of Hyrule but doesn’t want to be a destructive force, just wants his people to stay safe and alive. Ganon wants to be good, and makes a promise to himself by looking after the child he later calls his son. He eventually learns his son carries the Triforce of Courage, but doesn’t care, just wants to prove himself. 

Ganondorf is sort of warlike, mainly because his desert keeps getting attacked by outside nations and he’s trying to protect it. War grows up learning all different types of weapons, planning attacks and all that, but still always being protected by his father.

Eventually the malice was too much for Ganondorf, so Ganon sent War away, hoping he could have a good life before Ganondorf went to the Guardian of Time and pleaded with her to break apart and seal his soul.

Link is left in hyrule, his voice sealed away. Eventually he joins the army of hyrule as it’s really the only place that will take in someone like him, an orphan with no voice. Eventually the war starts, and it is revealed that he has the Triforce of Courage. He’s put in charge as the battle continues before Cia reveals hers, saying she is working for someone with the promise that Link will be hers. Eventually Cia is defeated however Ganondorf is now back.

Link tried to get his father to go back to normal, however it doesn’t work so Link was force to kill him, which only allow Ganondorf with his mind back, to plead and apologize to his son.

Link soon took on the persona of a flirty pretty boy, mainly as a way of coping. He also ends up carving up his face, because of what Cia would do just to get that pretty face. Right now he is Zelda’s right hand man and adviser.

Death: Unknown…..

Interesting stuff/Headcanons:

War’s love language has always been physically touch, the feeling of holding someone or being held and knowing you are safe.

He carved up his face after everything, mainly fearing that someone else would be after him, might as well damage what started the war.

He started the persona of the flirty pretty boy to survive in the army, most don’t know his true self besides the links, Zelda, Impa and Linkle.

Any romantic relationship he had with Zelda fizzled out when Cia happened.

War had deep seeded trust issues considering how many of his ‘friends’ were all in favor of tossing him to Cia to end the war.

War turned the flirting to girls during the war up it as a big ‘screw you’ to Cia.

War is ace, specifically a sex repulsed ace.

Ganondorf was somewhat paranoid about people taking his son away, so he trained War to be able to use any weapon he got his hands on.

He even taught him how to fight without one or turn your environment into a weapon.

This very much contrasted later as he refused to allow War to get involved when conflict happened, he had to stay in the palace where it was safe and figure out strategies.

War always had a stupid number of weapons on him. Many are hidden of course.

Even when sleeping he at least has three blades in reaching distance.

Because of what happened with his father, War always has a plan on what would've happened if one of his friends got possessed and what he could do to save them.

He also watches for weak points in others mostly to help them improve.

War thinks about battle and war in a terrifying mix of courage, wisdom and power, knowing where to strike and how to be effective with it.

Has a natural parenting instinct from babysitting young ones, both at home and from the war.

Typically wraps and tucks his scarf around his waist so it can’t be grabbed and actually choke him in battle.

He actually has Ice and Fire magic, because of a blessing from his grandmothers, it’s just not his preferred way of fighting.

Plus, it makes him weaker to the opposite element, it’s why fire from the dragon knight scarred and hurt more than normal.

Has a lot of manners from the gerudo (like why he had no problem with Zelda/Impa in charge), it’s just no one knows about the gerudo tribe in his world to notice.

Monsters either target War or hesitate to attack him, he uses this to his advantage.

War can play music on an Ocarina but can’t sing to save his life.

He is like a field medic, he knows how to save a life, but it won’t be comfortable.

The only person who knows who War’s father is, was Mask. Mask didn’t seem to judge War for it but was super angry at Ganon.

War doesn’t allow himself to express emotions outside the select ones for his ‘persona’.

So, if stuff gets really bad, he needs to scream or cry, he goes to somewhere completely hidden and breaks down (he knows this isn’t healthy, but he doesn’t care).

War is attached to the scarf because it reminds him of the fabric he wore at home, the one which was insisted on to protect his skin from the sun.

War has a screwed-up sleep schedule. He often takes a second shift and then just doesn’t wake up the others and continues the watch. 

He still has a necklace from his father, which his dad promised was laced with magic and would protect him. Despite how many times War tried to get rid of it, he can’t.

Sometimes gerudo words will slip in when he’s talking, most just think it’s a mistake.

War ‘hobbies’ are typically cleaning armor and sharpening weapons. However, he can use his magic to make little ice statues.

He has flashbacks, where he relives memories and battles. There not as bad as Wild sense he can be brought out of them, however there is a chance he could react violently.

Confined spaces can really set this off as he was captured by Cia for a short time.

He’s the closest and trusts Time/Mask the most, there are no secrets between them.

War acts almost like a drill sergeant in battles at times, no one dares go against his orders (this is after he got his voice back).

----

War is done, as you can see he is heavily based off my ‘Like father, like son’ au. The boy isn’t canon which means I can do whatever I want. Let me know your thoughts.

[haru-kuneko]

This! I relate to this somehow because if you're born to be the weird kid that nobody likes, then you also end up being punished and antagonized for doing the same things that other normies do. For example, I would see people pop out of nowhere and start chatting with random strangers then end up being instant friends. However, if I do it, it's creepy and inappropriate? I don't get it!

If you're just gonna make rules difficult for others to understand and expect them to just follow without explaining why they're put there in the first place, then what's the point of even taking you seriously? It just makes me feel less safe and restricted.

Sure, rules like "Don't litter" and "Don't send bomb threats to Elon Musk" is understandable because at least I know it could ruin the environment and endanger innocent lives as well.

However, in case where rules become really vague like "No cellphones allowed at school", "Be professional", "Don't do this and that at work," "Don't overshare or trauma-dump" and "Anything that mentions profanity, sexual themes, mental health, violence, etc. will get banned on this site" then you see others are able to get away with it, then you're just confusing the heck out of me! It's just a case of "Rules for thee, but not for me!"

Autistic people often struggle to follow rules without understanding the specifics of the rules or why the rules exist.

And neurotypical people often refuse to explain that. Ableism is part of the reason why, but it's also because authoritarianism relies on people not understanding the rules.

If every child was raised to understand the deep meaning of every rule and why the rule exists, then authoritarianism wouldn't stand a chance. Every child would know not only exactly how they're being abused but also they'd be able to perfectly explain why it's abusive.

Authoritarians want people to be clueless about why rules exist. They want to be allowed to do things while punishing others for doing the same thing. They never give a good reason because there isn't a good reason to give.

[astrow1zar6]

Early Marriage Astro Obervations

Moon in the 7th house: these people tend to attract really harmonious relationships (is positively aspected). These individuals really value security in their relationships which is why they tend to develop very close knit long term partnerships. Because of their need for security and intimacy they tend to get married & start a family at a pretty young age. I also notice they can date someone who’s younger than them as well. They attract family oriented partners who have a very rich emotional life. Because of their emotionally intelligent natures they are able to be very supportive to their partners & they are able to commit a lot earlier than most.

Venus in Libra: these people attract spouses that ADORE THEM so easily! I am trying so jealous of how easy it is for these people to find good partners. Relationships are like breathing to these people & most tend to develop crushes earlier than most. Their partners are usually very attractive appearance wise & usually love the native dearly. These people love love and are always crushing on someone (they are usually crushing on you too wink wink) this causes them to be able to commit to serious relationships faster than most. In general these people are seen as wifey/hubby material to others. It’s hard for these natives to be single and usually jump from relationship to relationship. If negatively aspected however they can tend to stay in marriages/relationships longer than they should & can ignore red flags because they are in love so be careful that people don’t take advantage of your good heart. Because they can be very naive/ blinded by love and attraction easily. But regardless of negative or positive aspects they tend to attract long term relationships early (good or bad).

Venus in 7th house: these people have probably been planning their wedding since they were little kids. I’m not joking the people I met with this placement LOVE weddings & the idea of love so much. Since this position is in its home love tends to flow to them like water in a stream. Similar to Venus in libra, these people have a lot of suitors interested in them. They attract real charming well cultured/attractive partners who are usually pretty wealthy. They can be serial daters as well, they do not like the idea of being single even more than libra Venus’s imo. If they aren’t in a relationship they definitely have someone on the side or an ex they still mess with. They are very obsessed with romantic attention which is why so many people are into them. Since Venus is in its home in the 7th house early marriage usually occurs for these folks. They can however be a little too obsessed with the idea of love & can settle for people they aren’t truly in love with just to say they have someone. They can also get really jealous if they see their friends have a good partner & they’re single. It boosts their ego a lot to say they have a partner so make sure you aren’t in a relationship just to show off make sure it’s authentic!

Venus in cancer: the mothers of the zodiac. These people give off a very nurturing secure vibe which allows others to feel very safe with them. They know how to make others feel comfortable being themselves which is super attractive to the opposite (or the same) sex. Their genuine natures & their deep love for family are the reason they can get into early marriages. Their loyalty is never usually questioned because of how devoted they are when they find that special someone. The types to be housewives for sure. This placement gives like a Nara Smith vibe, they are usually AMAZING at cooking as well. They are also amazing parents & have amazing relationships with their children. Just such sweet souls, your devoted sweet nature however can attract partners that try to take advantage of you and take more than they give so watch out for those people yall are too good to be treated poorly. Probably one of the most loyal Venus placements imo.

Venus in the 1st/ Libra rising: kinda a no brainer but these people have very good luck in finding partners. They are usually super charming & FUNNY omg, people don’t give them credit for how good their humor is. They are just super easy to get along with in general which is why people flock to them ready to commit. They are normally super flirty & attractive when it comes to the opposite/same sex which can be seen as really attractive. They just ooze LOVE & others feel it so deeply which is why it’s easier for people to trust them. They tend to only have partners who are really attractive like I’m serious their partners usually look like they were sculpted by the gods (they are too as well). They attract partners who genuinely love them so deeply and will do anything for them which can create envy in others a lot because it’s just so easy for you. Make sure you don’t take advantage of your relationships/partners (cuz they tend to do that once the spark dies down).

Jupiter in 7th/house or Libra. Jupiter gives luck to the theme of whatever house/sign it’s in so in the 7th house/libra relationships & marriage are a big theme in your life & you are extremely lucky & blessed in those areas! They tend to attract well cultured partners who are usually super smart & good looking. They have a lot of luck finding partners when they travel as well or could have a partner of a different ethnicity/culture. Most of your personal & spiritual growth will come from the relationships you have during your life. Your spouse is usually very optimistic and can speak life into you during dark times. You can also gain more wealth once you are married. Just be careful with unrealistic expectations or excessive optimism about your relationships to avoid disappointment because you can be pretty impulsive when in love. Make sure you’re realistic about your relationships.

Taurus moon/taurus Venus: every Taurus moon/venus I’ve met in a relationship have usually been in them for yearsss. These people are super stable & tend to attract others who are also very stable & committed. Due to their emotional stable natures they can create very harmonious pleasant relationships early. These people KNOE their worth which is why they usually marry very high quality people. They are super realistic in matters of love not in a detached way but they for sure know what they want and what they are looking for. This deep insight is the reason they attract people that are really good for them. They can get out of toxic relationships a lot faster than most because of how high their self worth is. When other notice this quality they cannot help but busy their ass to be what they want because it’s super rare to find someone with such a high love for themselves. Once they love you they are giving you all their heart.. it’s usually not common for these people to open their hearts up to others which is why once they do just know they found the one. They give almost a kinda nanny vibe to them like you can tell just by looking at them they will be very good nurturing partners/parents. They tend to be more on the conventional side as well and enjoy things like housekeeping, cooking, sewing, decorating ect.. (for a woman however). Their natural feminine energy usually brings out the protection quality in men. Most people that date them feels like they found a hidden gem🥺 be careful however not to stay in relationships due to being comfortable. They have a tendency to stay in partnerships that are well overdue because of the familiarity they bring (Taurus is obsessed with stability & security so it’s harder for them to leave bad relationships once they are in them). But because of their high self worth they usually have the ability to dip if it gets too bad.

7th house stellium’s: also another no brainer. These people live & breathe love. These are the people that you’ve never seen single lol. Their whole mission in life is to learn thru love and relationships so it’s usually a big theme in their life’s. Unless Saturn or Uranus is involved they usually tend to marry very early and have very loving partners. They could’ve grew up in an environment where marriage was super big & could’ve been to a lot of weddings in their life. If Saturn or Uranus is involved it can indicate marrying a little later or to someone older than you. With Saturns influence it can still lead to a long term relationship but it can be more cold and distant than what the native would’ve preferred. Make sure you find love in yourself first before you commit so early to others. If these people don’t find self love first they can go from person to person trying to find that love which will end up draining you out fast. The more love you have for yourself the better your partners will treat you!

North node in the 7th house: similar to 7th house stellium natives, your whole life’s purpose is to find love! In a past life you could’ve been a big pioneer/individual and you learned to develop an authentic sense of self. You could’ve only focused on you before but now the universe is challenging you to change YOU to OTHER. You’re here to experience true love and find what they really means🥹 such a cute aspect imo. This gives good luck in finding partners. Make sure you don’t go back to selfish old habits when dating because you have a tendency to be very “me first”. In this lifetime you’re here to learn compromise. Your relationships are usually very karmic and you will learn yourself the deepest when involved with someone. This may be uncomfortable for you at first but it’s what your souls craves deep down inside. Since you know yourself so well (south node in 1st house) you will be able to speak life into your partners & allow them to be their authentic selves around you which creates such a loving space.

[thatshadowcomic]

Here's the realest take on SonAmy you'll read:

Spoilers, Im not against it, despite being sonadow shipper:

The reason most people (or maybe just me) don't like Sonic X Amy is because it's not often done in a believable way or it's the "boy shifts their morals/goals/personality after finding the girl" which of course ends with one of them having no character at all, until it's convenient for the plot.

All fandoms tend to hate love interests because they often halt the plot and story for the sake a overdone cliches rather than working with their blooming interest, because they can't admit they need a second writer/team to help.

I could see Sonic not really knowing what to do if Amy shows interest in him, oblivious but cute-- If they can make it feel genuine that's great! But damn, I really pray we don't get this:

"oh no, he likes her, now it's just you and me knuckles. Let's either fight the badguy by ourselves and lose or we should try to stop their affections. Or, 3rd choice, sonic is too busy with any to help us and we don't talk about it because we don't want to get in the way and so we get angry and he doesn't seem to notice.

Either way it will cause a rift in our friendship until Amy somehow fixes it by being cool, and then we will like her after that and all be friends."

In defense of the Movie and my guesses:

Sonic has never been very romantic and that's what Amy seems to crave the most so it always feels like one of them has to change dramatically to fit the cute couple narrative in the fandom... BUT the movie sonic isnt the same as the game/sonic x sonic. No one is.

I think Sonic and Shadow would be able to grow from each other more, related deeper, but they could easily make them like brothers and I'd be okay with that. I'm not against Sonic X Amy.

Given how they introduced her, I could see Sonic being impress by how seemingly badass she is to him, and that starts it. Sonic definitely seems like he'd be the type to be in denial that he likes her.

My guesses:

He might honestly go on an adventure in time without anyone, ending with shadow needing to save the day with Sonic's friends. That would be awesome tbh. If Amy comes back with them, they might even have a mini series with some father son moments about dates or something.

I hope at some point we get a Chaos or Iblis trigger type situation, maybe in the post credit. Given they're doing sonic CD/time stuff, I'ts easy for them to bring in silver (or maybe rouge and GUN steal the emeralds in order to "keep them safe" only for it to fall apart. Hell, maybe Rockwell teams up with Stone or just turns GUN into another version of Robotnik land. Without sonic to protect everyone, we see what happens in the future.

I think it would be funny as hell if they made everyone mad and she fell for shadow instead hahahahah

[syneilesis]

[fic] so delicate the bones

so delicate the bones

Love and Deepspace | Caleb (Xia Yizhou) x Main-Character!Reader | M | 3.5k words | ao3 link

A treatise on hunger, intimacy, and protection.

Content Warnings: character study, Caleb-centric, unpleasant and violent imagery and themes (one metaphor hints of cannibalism, several body horror/gore), obsession and possessive thoughts/behavior from a yandere character, implied pseudo-incest (mostly as a canonical context), pining, purple prose, angst(?), solipsistic narrative, spoilers.

A/N: I'm going to post this now before I lose any more confidence and chicken out. Nothing actually happens in this fic, I'm only pretentiously waxing philosophical about Caleb. I'd argue that this is tame, contrary to what the warnings suggest (arguably!), but still please heed them. This is primarily inspired by the main story. The line, "You’re only safe when you’re by my side. No one will be able to find you ever again. I’ll protect you forever." is directly lifted from the main story. This fic is just hyperfocused on Caleb's desire to protect MC and desire in general in relation to MC hence the hunger metaphor, so other plot-related characters and whatnot are ignored. However! I included the winter soldier arm because why not.

In conclusion: please be gentle? lol. Divider by @/saradika

you dangle on the leash of your own longing; your need grows teeth

—Margaret Atwood, Speeches for Dr Frankenstein

I.

He is intimate with hunger. A marked emptiness hollowing the core of his being, and each step he takes it rings an echo inside the walls of his flesh, refusing to settle.

No matter what he does to fill it, it never sates, and eventually this hunger grows to eat away at his organs, down to their tissues, and, finally, their cells. It births a set of sharp teeth that scrapes everything, including his ribcage, where inside his heart beats; until all that’s left of him are torn scraps of his remains and an aching need that gives itself life, gaining claws and a voice, desperately whispering to him every nightfall so he lies in bed awake, eyes desperately wide and desperately open.

In the darkness of his room, only one word this voice whispers:

devour

Caleb turns in the direction where your room lies, the bed in it cushioning your sleeping form, always and forever unaware.

II.

He remembers the simpler things, once upon a time.

A kitchen. Silver utensils lined up neatly on the island, glinting under the summer sunlight streaming through the window. The smell of home-cooked meals wafting along his nose. You, sitting at the dining table, leaning forward with huge curious eyes, waiting for him to set down the plates.

Your gaze trailed over the path Caleb carved around the kitchen like a moth fluttering closer to a source of light. It had been like that, always, with you, a compass seeking the magnetic North, and he, stalwart in his promise of protection – and care.

A meal shared between two people signifies closeness, intimacy. Seated across each other, face to face. A direct, transparent meeting of words and actions. No secrets, just equilibrium.

You told him of your day, narrating your adventure through the arc and sweep of your hand, and Caleb listened to your tale, mind and body his own compass pointing to your own North, interjecting every now and then with affirmation and light-hearted teasing. The rise and fall of your expressions satiated him, albeit inchoately, but Caleb swallowed them all greedily in the hopes that one day the feeling of fullness would arrive.

This – what you had with him then – was intimacy, the kind that called upon the image of children running across meadows, their laughter tinkling along the sepia-tinted sky, leaves caught between their windblown hair. This was the kind of intimacy that invited soft, warm dreams, and the weightlessness of waking.

It was the intimacy Caleb had with you, but not the intimacy he yearned for. What he wanted – needed – was the kind that peels away the skin to reveal the muscles, veins, and even bones beneath. Watch the blood circulate all over the body, pulsing with life, a proof of existence. He needed to see what’s protected under the layer of flesh and all its vulnerabilities, darkening from exposure.

III.

Dying, in some ways, is a form of relief that eliminates the persistent hunger that rattles at his core. There are regrets, of course; the last image of his waking life is the memory of you crumpled with hesitation, with secrets – and that is another reminder all over again of the intimacy that you no longer shared with him. Gone are the sepia laughter that floats wistfully at the back of his neck. Though in reality and upon further examination, when it comes down to it, the hunger is stronger than the acceptance of death, because relief is not satisfaction – it is, merely, escape, something that Caleb all his life would never turn to. Secrets, yes – but never escape.

And so this rebirth, he supposes, is another form of intimacy: the unbending will of conviction, of hunger devouring itself and transmogrifying into something else – a fleshless creature pure of want. The bones are his cage that he longs to gift to you; he calls it protection. Intimacy that splinters, that lodges itself deep inside your soul.

This is the price of dying and being born again.

IV.

To everyone else a reunion is an emotional celebration that is as climactic as the peak of a symphony. To Caleb, it is altitude and freefall, the drop into an abyssal pain, all steel walls and surveilling lenses, secrets shadowed into the corners.

When you ask him, Is it really you? and the sheen of your disbelieving gaze cuts through the darkness of the interrogation room, the hunger inside him whips into life. It feels like decades since he had seen you, and Caleb is distinctly aware that you’re no longer that little girl who clung to him whenever something frightening jumped into the frame as you two watched a movie. When you attempt to figure him out it is with the hardened look of a hunter, its own exoskeleton catalyzed through suffering and experience.

It is a reminder that you truly are far from being fragile, and that is a grief Caleb has to swallow. Let the hunger settle with it, if only for a moment.

Who else would I be? he returns. A reunion like this pushes into the surface the long-buried feelings one had stamped down in order to go through each day, as if everything’s still normal. He sees that in the cracks of your posture, the fine, webbed lines that encircle your body, despair leaking out, the proof of your truth. There’s only one Caleb in your life, isn’t there?

The cracks spread until you shatter before him. Caleb catches you in his arms and the warmth seeping through your skin feels like a distant echo against his embrace. Dull, muted – an imitation of stimulus that elicits no correct response except the surge of hunger lunging inside him, overtaking his heart, clamoring for your continuous presence.

His hunger has always toed the line of danger, but now it is precariously so.

His flesh hand climbs to the crown of your head, the strands of your hair oily as he curves his palm according to your shape. It’s easy to fall back into well-worn habits. A pat on the head for praise; a tousle of hair for teasing. A stroke on the top of your head for consolation. And you – bury yourself further into Caleb’s chest, listening to the soothing rhythm of a beating heart.

I missed you, you whisper, the words felt more than heard, and Caleb reinforces his hold on your back. I missed you so much.

The correct response to this stimulus is to say the same sentiment, that he has missed you just as much, and that he’s sorry that he’s had to keep his survival a secret from you, but now that he’s returned, things will go back to normal once again.

But then again – what is normal?

Certainly not the way he misses you – a chimera of ugly limbs with dagger-pointed claws and the torso of a gluttonous beast, black tar dripping from its orifices. If you peel away the veil that hides this creature, you’ll discover the enormity of his hunger, the dense substance that will trap you like glue until it devours you feet to head. There is no escaping it after it is revealed.

And certainly it’s not the way he’s sorry. You know Caleb the best, and that is a truth. But it is also a truth that he’s lived a life full of secrets, and this is just one addition to all other secrets he’s kept from you.

The correct response is to say he misses you too, and that he’s sorry things turned out this way. But this response is not Caleb’s truth, and Caleb may hide many things from you but he has never lied to you. There’s no point in starting now.

So what he says to you in return is: I know.

V.

It’s not their home (home is at Linkon, already reduced to charred rubble); it’s only a house, but it can be a home if you want it.

A lifetime ago, at the cusp of his high school senior year, his teacher asked the class their dreams and aspirations when they reach adulthood. Caleb’s initial answer had been a careless scribble of his first impulsive thought, and he was summoned to the office for it. Is this truly what you want, inquired his teacher, and Caleb said, Yes, I’ll take any lucrative job I’m good at.

He didn’t mention the rationale of that answer, how years before, he had already cemented his plan of providing you a place you and he could call home, and how his future earnings would be solely for you. At the time, that was how Caleb defined the idea of protection – a sanctuary that you and he shared. It’s almost idyllic, how simple his wish had been in the past.

You said you wanted to become a pilot.

Yes, because I like the thrill. Then he added after a thoughtful measure: And it pays well. 

Wariness rippled across the teacher’s movements, in the sway of the hand that dismissed him, and Caleb returned to the classroom already forgetting the entire exchange.

Now, that long-forgotten memory resurfaces, and Caleb faintly smiles as you interrogate him about the state of his abode.

Why don’t you decorate your house more?

How long do you stay here until you’re called back to duty?

Don’t you ever feel lonely?

I never found it to be necessary. Not very long, just a few days. All the time, because you’re not with me.

What he says instead is: This is just a place to stay and sleep.

It’s only a house, not a home. Home is protection, precludes it, a sense of belonging and comfort, security and assurance. It’s more than a roof over one’s head; it is a sanctuary.

Your arms akimbo, a challenge in the tilt of your chin. Well, we can’t have that, can we? Just give me a couple of days.

What is a sanctuary? A place built upon pieces of one’s self, familiar and intimate in every reflection. And Caleb looks forward to discovering your reflection in the pieces of his house that may soon be called a home.

Years ago, this was his dream: a sanctuary for you and him, a place that you and he could call home.

Now: the home you will make out of his house he will fortify with his bones and his hunger. He will place pieces of himself in the hidden cracks of the walls, the threshold of each door, in the mechanism of each lock. He will leave his imprints in the foundation that sustains its sturdy structure. He will make a fortress out of your kindness and keep you there, inside, for as long as he can.

You told him, once upon a time, that you no longer needed protecting – except who else but him could look out for you?

VI.

Growing up, though part of life, tasted a little bitter on his tongue.

Sometimes, Caleb thinks that he is cursed with this inconsolable hunger, impossible to soothe despite all attempts to quell it. It only recedes into the background, a low hum that blends into everyday noise. And then it bares its teeth at the first sign of your freedom.

It feels like a long, continuous burst of snapshots – you getting older, fat and flesh and muscle filling out, inches stacking up yet still remarkably shorter than him (a sore point to you but a point of delight to him), and most of all: the confidence in the way you carry yourself, spine straight and chin up. The days when you stepped behind his protective back, when your fingers hooked into the edges of his sleeves in a coy attempt to make him stay – they’re all rapidly decreasing like a withering tree. And something in Caleb panics, the fear of his becoming obsolete in your life more tangible than the risk of death in his every flight.

Your freedom, then, becomes his shackles. Imprisoned by his hollowness. A role reversal: it is you who flies away and it is he who is trapped on the ground. He can only watch you soar high without his help. His hunger rages at that, at that devouring fear that is rooted at the very core of him. A fear that is actually unfolding in real time.

What can he do? What can he do to vanquish this all-encompassing fear?

VII.

To be human is to feel. To feel, though, requires the presence of sensation.

Rebirth comes with sacrifices, and Caleb has already paid the price.

When he tousles your hair in jest, there is only the pressure of solid object colliding with another. He has to calibrate the strength of his grip to avoid breaking things; has to mind the arc of his gestures so as to remain visually natural, not mechanical. For all the technology afforded in this era, degradation of vital functions is still explained as an unavoidably unfortunate tradeoff.

Take pain, for example. Caleb does not feel anything else, except pain. Blazing heat narrowed within fine, delicate nerves. Pain and numbness, like oil and water swirling at intervals.

In this sacrifice it is the sensation of touch that’s taken the greatest casualty. Texture is the first to go, then weight, then pressure, then pleasure. Only the memories of sensation fuel Caleb’s imagination as he drags his fingers down your cheek, conscious of the amount of force he exerts in the act. Everything now is calculated, down to the minutest of motions.

It’s only a matter of time before the loss moves on from sensation to emotion, and Caleb knows himself to be an indifferent man. Like an ascetic he does not indulge on many a thing, only religiously devoted to one constant truth. He will not mourn the absence of luxury, or boredom. Or the impatience during a wait that’s taking longer than what is originally expected.

He will not consider a loss the fear of death (he has defied it once; who’s to say he won’t defy it again?), or the panic wrought by Wanderer threats. He will not miss the thrill of the extreme, the speed, the alighted nerves like freefall sans precaution. All these ultimately do not matter to him – because he has long been living the life of decimation, a gradual diminishing of everything that he is until all that’s left are the barebones of what’s truly precious to him. Hunger, after all, when overwhelming, does not discriminate.

Consumption, then, becomes another type of numbness.

Only one thing truly matters; the rest are inconsequential.

VIII.

In the end a confrontation cannot be avoided, and Caleb must face this truth.

Betrayal casts a jarring sweep across your floundering form. The sofa muffles your desire to melt into the molecules of space, away from the cage of his arms and the desperation of his hunger. From an outsider’s perspective you and he are engaged in an intimate closeness, the kind of which raises doubtful questions about affinity. At some level Caleb relishes that impression, but on another, it is not enough. It is never enough.

A hunger that has consumed everything and still furious for more is a hunger that is raw, dark, exposed with its bloody bones and its bloody teeth, stripes of flesh insinuated between.

It is his hunger, then, that speaks when Caleb says, You’re only safe when you’re by my side. No one will be able to find you ever again. I’ll protect you forever. 

It is hunger that speaks, no longer whispers bleeding into the shadows of his bedroom but a tectonic roar that shifts and upends the status quo between you and him. It is the hunger that covets the intimacy between intertwined souls bereft of bodies and worldly matter, everything pared down to their essence, to their very marrow, solipsistic in their embrace. It is the hunger that promises sanctuary made out of his bones and blood and the metal-wires-processors that convert his pain into life. His hunger speaks, because Caleb, in the end, is still a man in love, and that love is what propels his existence.

You don’t have to protect me, you say, cruel in your tenderness, tender in your rejection. I haven’t needed your protection for a long time now. 

Caleb staggers, expires a shaky breath. His head sinks into the crook of your neck. The hunger still burns, but he is sapped of energy, tendrils of resignation slithering around his feet.

Why couldn’t you accept? Why couldn’t you see? 

He could tell you all he had seen and gone through in Deepspace – the deafening silence and loneliness; the cavernous black that creeps into your pores and wrings out a seismic tremor throughout your body that lingers on for weeks; the grotesque forms of Wanderers that have yet to reach Earth – and claim that these are the inevitable things, like destiny, that will befall upon the world, and how would you fight them on your own?

Things were better when it’s just the two of us.

Caleb –

I wanted to be your sanctuary. I still do.

Caleb.

A pair of hands cradles his face, light, painful in its softness, and he meets your misty gaze brimming with something he refuses to acknowledge.

In this shiver of a moment, the hunger climbs up to his mouth and the acidic taste of bile scorches his throat, the words push themselves out of his lips but he resolutely clamps them shut, clinging to the last shred of his control.

Otherwise, this confession would have ravaged out of him:

I’ve held onto this hunger for most of my life; it fuels me but also destroys me, and there is no cure for it. One day it will devour me whole, this monstrous, unrepentant hunger, and when that happens I want you to build a castle out of my leftover bones, call it your sanctuary, so that whenever the world hurts you, you will find solace in the intimacy of my devotion. And when you sleep, we will meet in dreams. I will offer my heart for you to take a bite of, and my flesh hand will wipe the blood into the crevice of your mouth. Protection is the savage passion of love, and you can use every atom that makes up what I am, because what I am is nothing if not for you.

Your fingers descend on his lips, tracing their outline until your fingerpads rest over the plumpest part in the middle. The harsh breath he exhales pierces through the thick silence, and Caleb watches you inhale the very air he released – and he savors that moment of indirect union.

Unbidden, he parts his mouth until the tips of your fingers fall inside, and he shapes his lips around them, your nails brushing against his teeth. You taste of salt and rain, his tongue darting out at the point between fingernail and skin.

Not this way, Caleb. Can’t you let me go? 

The fingers retreat, and Caleb swallows the arguments that formulate readily in his mind. Instead, he drags out, In what way then? 

In what way would you accept the gravity of him – all his hunger and pain and numbness and dreams and wants and needs – if at all?

But you shake your head, and disappointment lances at him. You have so many secrets now, you whisper, almost loathing in its sibilance. I want to trust you, but I don’t recognize you anymore. 

And that’s the crux of everything, isn’t it? Trust. Safety does not exist without trust. He cannot protect you if you do not trust him. Even without ever lying to you, Caleb supposes that he could still lose your trust – in so many other ways.

He knows a losing battle when he sees one, and this is one of them. In spite of the lacerating words – or maybe because of it – your expression collapses, and Caleb cannot endure the confrontation any longer, not with you threatening to break at any moment.

So with great reluctance he takes a step back, grants you all the time and space that you need, and isolates himself in his own room. His hunger still pulsates, but Caleb chains it until it subsides. Until it regresses into a background hum once again.

Some battles are easily won, others need tactics. A battle like this necessitates patience and care, short-term losses for long-term gains, and meticulous, meticulous strategy. This is not new to Caleb, so he will plan. Experience only requires recontextualization, but the foundation is still the same.

After all, there’s no point in stopping now.

IX.

He is intimate with hunger. A marked emptiness hollowing the core of his being, but now this hunger has mutated into a chthonic abyss that spares no one, not even the remains of him. It will gorge itself on everything that comes in its way, a savage journey that has no end in sight, no conclusion to this eternal terror.

And this unstoppable force is left to promise you one final thing:

If he can no longer protect you, then he will make it so that the world – no, the universe – can no longer harm you.

◘

Humans in love are terrible. You see them come hungering at one another like prehistoric wolves, you see something struggling for life in between them like a root or a soul and it flares for a moment, then they smash it. The difference between them smashes the bones out. So delicate the bones.

—Anne Carson

[local-hellhound-steals-spaghetti]

Not enrichment sadly... the pigs are slipping in - they're either being herded into it or there's food just out of reach they're attempting to get but it's set up so they slip and fall before they can get any food.

A few red flags here:

The pigs are getting shoved or pushed from behind because they're falling into each other and off into the water

Jumping into water from a height is not natural behaviour for pigs - they use water/mud for wallowing and they do like to swim but not like this

The behaviour is frantic and erratic - they're falling into each other and on top of each other. They're not jumping in by themselves, they're falling in.

The pigs are immediately swimming back despite no obvious motivation to do so - they're hungry or motivated by something else but it's focused and intense rather than playful

It's always worth thinking critically about "cute animal videos" and think about whether the behaviour is natural to that animal and what is the motivation behind it.

If they're in a zoo or other captive environment (like a home, and I include domestic animals in this), think about whether the animal has a choice to engage and whether the animal is able to safely leave the interaction. It's always hard to get enough context all the time, but I feel pretty confident that this is not a voluntary behaviour in this case.

You see the same trick people do with ducklings and chicks looking like they're "having fun on the water slide" but you can see them reach for food before they slip and fall.

[mooniema]

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Kang Sae-byeok x reader hcs

pairing ; Sae-byeok x f!reader

summary ; just some hcs of mine of what a relationship with Sae-byeok would be in a world, where she never participated in the games

warnings ; none, but she might be a little ooc idk

a/n ; I love her soooo much, I still can´t accept her death

This is my first post and my first time writing so sorry if its ass

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Before your relationship:

At first it was really hard to talk to her

No matter what you did or how much friendliness you showed, she barely answered you. Just nodding or giving you short answers without really trying to get a conversation going

After some time she started opening up to you, slowly starting to ask you about your day and greeting you, when she sees you

She began to hang out with you, when you asked her to. Before she always refused your request to hang out, because she didn't have the time

After hanging out, she began to spend more and more time with you, slowly becoming your friend and after that it took her little time to figure out her growing feelings for you

Realizing her feelings, she began to distance herself, not wanting to get you involved with the dangerous parts of her life

But you didn't give up and it ended with confessing your feelings to each other during a heated argument and a long talk afterwards, where also she told you more about her situation and she realized, that she can't keep you away from her

In your relationship:

You started dating quickly after confessing and as your first date she took you to a nice restaurant (she worked extra hard to be able to pay for you both) and afterwards you two watched the stars and listened to music

In public she is still rather quiet and she isn't a fan of pda, but you know it's just, because she is a more private person and she will still hold your hand if you want it

In private she is a lot more open, because she feels more secure and safe and she is a lot more talkative and teasing

She is protective as hell, always walking next to the street so you don't have to and having her pocket knife in case someone tries anything

She is the "wear what you want, I can fight" type of girlfriend

She doesn't hesitate to threaten someone, who makes you uncomfortable, doesn't matter if it's with icy stares and a hand on your shoulder or with cold words and her pocket knife

She knows you can protect yourself, but she would rather deal with them on her own instead of making you deal with creeps

She is just scared of losing you too, after losing her dad and still not being able to bring her mum to South Korea

And especially with her pickpocketing and the people she associated with in the past, she wants you to be safe no matter what

She trusts you and doesn't get jealous often, but if she does get jealous, she will seek out physical contact like cuddles once you are at home and alone

The first time she took you to visit her brother, you two bounded very quickly and when she watched Cheol and you spending time together, she knew she wouldn't let you go

When having arguments, she often gets kind of harsh and mean and she knows that

So before letting her emotions get to her, she distances herself from the situation, telling you that she needs time for herself to think

If she notices, that she was in the wrong, she'll apologise to you, coming home with your favorite sweets and talk it out

If she is in the right, she'll calmly talk to you, trying to get her point across without starting a new argument

Her main love languages are acts of service and quality time

Acts of service:

She isn't good with people and she never really had trusted anyone as much as she trust you so she isn't good with her words and touch

She also thinks actions speak more than words and that shows in your relationship

Doesn't matter if its tying your shoe laces, going out at night to get you your favorite snacks, bringing your favorite drink everywhere so you stay hydrated or holding your bags, when you want to go shopping, she got you covered and will do that stuff without you having to say something

Will also definitely nurse you back to health when you are sick

Expect her to be in the kitchen making you a soup, while cheol stands beside you in a little doctor outfit, making sure you don't move unnecessarily

Quality time:

She loves spending time with you

Doesn't matter how small it is or what you two are doing, as long as she is with you she is content

That doesn't mean, that she doesn't have preferences on what you twonare doing though

She prefers the quiet dates like walks together, movie nights, cooking together and stuff, which is not in public

She just prefers having privacy with you so you two can be yourselves and openly talk

She also enjoys just being together, while doing different things, just basking in each others presences

But in general she'll be fine with whatever you pick, doesn't matter If its an amusement park date or studying together on your couch

As long as its with you, she'll be happy <3

Physical touch:

She isn't used to being physically affectionate to anyone, but her little brother m but she really tries

It took her some time to get used to it, first hesitant to initiate any physical contact, but now she'll gladly hold your hand in public and often initiates kisses and cuddles in private

She is not big on pda, but in private she can be really touchy

Her kisses were slow and feather light at first, afraid of pushing your boundaries, but now they are deep and passionate, although still soft

Her touch is tender, she knows you are no fragile doll and can take a more firm grip too, but she wants to treat you with the utmost care

When making out, she is not afraid to litter kisses on your neck and collarbone or leaving marks, often flowing more passionate and slightly possessive in heated moments

Gift giving:

She really enjoys giving you gifts, little tokens of her love for you

Sadly she doesn't have the money to spoil you like you deserve

Thats why she often works harder for planned gifts and dates

She refuses to buy herself stuff unless she really needs it, but loves buying you and Cheol things with her money

The gifts don't have to be expensive, just something she saw you looking at, while being in town

For you, she'll also attempt to learn how to make handcrafted gifts like paper flowers with Cheol

And if she notices any pretty stones, while being outside she makes sure to bring them to you

Words of affirmation;

She has never been good with words, but for you she tries her best

She is not good at expressing herself through them while chatting, but she makes sure to leave little notes full with "I love you"s and little reminders to drink and eat

Her words are normally rather blunt and her tone is rather cold, but with you her voice becomes a lot softer

After time, it becomes easier for her to reassure and comfort you and she is really glad because of that

First, she was really awkward during those moments

[ellicdote]

This is my first ever tumblr blog post. I was planning on just lurking forever.

But I am remarkably autistic about this and need to vomit it SOMEWHERE. So you're getting it.

Now, I originally was planning on banishing Caleb to the shadow realm because I thought that him being basically our brother and then becoming a love interest was WEIRD.

But then he came out, and I read his stories, and now he's one of my favorites.

Caleb is toxic in a way that is so interesting that it makes me want to put him in a jar and study him. What makes me most engaged is that he isn't beyond reason or redemption; he has the potential to correct these unhealthy behaviors given enough time and space.

His obsession with MC is prevalent and deeply concerning; he doesn't trust her to protect herself, he is willing to brutally kill anyone who hurts her, he wants to 'exist in a world where it's just the two of us'... but it comes from a place of such genuine fear and care that it makes one hesitate to call him a bad person. He is not wrong in constantly being worried for MC's safety, she is quite literally being targeted by people who want to experiment on her, but he goes about it in a way that denies her autonomy. Caleb is ruled by his fear and obsessive devotion to her to the point that he is willing to do whatever it takes to keep her safe.

He was willing to stay as far away as possible after the explosion and subsequent his involvement with Ever, because he knew that she would be safest at a distance. But once she found her way in? The only way to ensure her safety is to keep her glued to his side.

Caleb and MC are codependent. They feel like they would lose themselves should they lose the other. Now, I admit that Caleb is definitely the more dependent one and has been for a long time. Caleb has an aggressive need to be needed, specifically by MC. He needs her, so he wants her to need him. I'd argue that's something that comes from the fear; he wants that reassurance that she'll never leave him behind. But since the reunion, MC has definitely been tightening her grip on him in return. She lost him once, she can't lose him again.

However, when it comes to Caleb's controlling tendencies, MC does not up with his bullshit; she will not forced to passively wait until it's safe. No, she will FIGHT. Caleb argues with her on this, but he can and has been swayed to back off.

However, he does relapse. I mean, it's hard not to do when your worst fears are being validated day in and day out. He has a fundamental belief that he must be MC's protector, that she needs his help in order to stay safe. He wants to trust in her, but that nagging voice in the back of his head keeps going 'You have to intervene. You have to keep her out of this. It's the only way you're going to know that she's safe,'. MC is a damsel in distress, and he is the only one who can save her.

The chip that's implanted in him only enhances his toxic traits. During his bond story, he acknowledges his selfishness when MC calls him out, and even states that he's trying to let go of his obsessive tendencies. He wants to have a healthier way to go about things. The chip made him go back on his progress, but he's still able to see reason.

Caleb and MC are going to be in each other's lives no matter what, either as friends or lovers, and their dynamic is on very shaky ground. But there's hope.

It's that hope for a healthier relationship that makes them so utterly devastating to me. Watching their ups and downs happen is an emotional rollercoaster. The conflict also gives the relationship somewhere to go, story wise, that's engaging.

tl;dr, Caleb has toxic behaviors and has done harmful things to MC, but he's not beyond redemption.

[penn-dragon]

You’ve activated my trap card: infodumping my thoughts about Sanji’s fucked up relationship with vulnerability and intimacy.

I remember reading something once that talked about how many men struggle with discerning the difference between the desire for intimacy and the desire for sexual satisfaction because the two are so often considered synonymous for men in society. One person talked about how her partner thought he had ED issues until they started exploring different ways to fulfill his emotional needs and he learned the difference between being horny and wanting emotional closeness. That’s always kind of stuck with me, the way men are expected to fulfill all of their emotional needs through sex with romantic partners, because wanting non-sexual intimacy is something seen as “girly” or “weak.” And I’ve thought about it a lot in regards to Sanji and his relationship to masculinity and vulnerability.

Sanji has a very hard time expressing his kind and vulnerable side because of the abuse he suffered as a kid. After he ran away from Germa, he learned to act like a tough little asshole as a defense mechanism, because there was no one to protect him anymore. Even after Zeff took him in as someone who genuinely loves him, Zeff basically acts the same way, being rough and tumble ex-pirate who communicates his love to Sanji in more subtle ways. So being raised by him pretty much reinforced that switch in his personality to only showing his kindness in ways that are considered acceptable for a man (cooking, flirting with women, ect.)

Sanji is most comfortable putting on a tough guy persona and acting like an asshole, even if his actions directly contradict it (e.g. saying he only saves women only to risk his life throwing Usopp out of danger three seconds later). Which is something a lot of people in One Piece do, but Sanji takes it to another level, because even now he has his family’s voices in the back of his head telling him he’s weak, a failure, subhuman. Rather than just a front to act tough, I think Sanji genuinely feels unsafe showing the parts of himself he was told make him weak. He trusts his friends with his life, but childhood trauma dies hard and the traumatized child inside him still thinks showing kindness and vulnerability leads to pain, and as such he still struggles to be truly emotionally vulnerable with people, ESPECIALLY other men, who he sees as the bigger threat.

However, fearing your emotional needs doesn’t make them go away. Sanji LOVES people. Despite his incurable asshole disease, he’s extremely personable. He has a big bleeding heart and cares so deeply for the people around him. He craves connection, and I think that goes doubly so for a romantic relationship, because Sanji loves so intensely. I think in a relationship with Zoro they would have a hard time getting into sync at first. Falling in love with Zoro came out of LEFT FIELD for Sanji, it was in NO WAY something he was prepared for and is nothing like he ever imagined, therefore it’s completely uncharted territory. They suck at communicating because Zoro doesn't always realize things need to be said out loud and Sanji’s afraid to ask. He’s especially not comfortable with the idea of wanting intimacy from Zoro. Despite the inherent trust and respect they have for each other, their relationship has always been volatile, electric, violent. There’s no room for softness. Men aren’t supposed to want tenderness from other men. He’s not supposed to want closeness from Zoro. That’s not how they are, that’s not what he pretends he is.

Sex on the other hand, sex is safe. Men are supposed to want sex—expected to—and while sex and emotional intimacy often go hand in hand it’s not scoffed at the way non-sexual intimacy is. He’s able to fulfill some of the desire for closeness through sex without completely opening himself up to vulnerability. But wanting sex and wanting intimacy aren’t the same thing, and Sanji’s not actually allowing himself what he needs. Enter Zoro figuring out what Sanji’s doing after he reaches a breaking point (starts sobbing half-way through sex which PANICS THE HELL out of Zoro) and being like “yeah I’m not letting him do that anymore” and starts opening up the option for different kinds of intimacy in their relationship in a way that doesn’t make Sanji feel exposed or demeaned.

I have a headcanon that Sanji struggles with wanting/asking for non-sexual intimacy from Zoro. So if he's having a rough day or just wants to be held by the man he loves he'll initiate sex in order to feel that connection, regardless of whether he's actually in the mood. But Zoro's gotten unnervingly good at telling when he's doing this and redirecting to give him what he actually needs in that moment.

[freakenomenon]

the fandom may not be ready for it but I Am. thinking how Ellen and Benny (as a black woman and queer man respectively) were the ones that had their sexuality specifically targeted and distorted ansd it’s simmering in my brain… would love your dissertation on it. what happened to them both feels so especially horrific and it needs to be discussed without the whole jokey tone taken on specifically for Benny’s case. maybw that’s why they appear to be close even through Ted’s constant unreliable pov since they both share a deeply personal and violating experience in relation to who they are that the others wouldn’t understand.

hoo boy. exhales. cracks knuckles.

ill start off like this 

both ellen and benny have it the worst when it comes to the survivors alterations , not ted. ( EVERYONE BOOS ) as well as the fact that AM "hating everyone equally" is simply. a lie. and they're proof of that. its insane to me that , while picking apart everyone's personalities , their flaws , what makes them tick. AM specifically chose to mangle and dehumanize the only queer man , outwardly made him look like some sex-pest brute , and then stripped him of his identity in one fell swoop. As well as reduce the only black person and the only WOMAN to the overly emotional , hysterical , whore. 

it’s incredibly fascinating to me that AM not only reduced them both to the incredibly harmful stereotypes ALREADY forced upon them by the society he turned to rubble with the flip of a switch. But also stripped them of their ability to even express themselves within , and outside of those parts of their identities. I imagine that's why they are seen to be the closest ( element of their characters that i really hated being taken away in the game. benny would not have called ellen an idiot for being scared he wouldn't he wouldn't STOP )

I can’t help but imagine that the only reason benny would have “complied” or at least pretend to comply with the system the other men likely set up with ellen is to. shield himself , create a false narrative and hide the fact that he was gay to protect himself. which, is sadly incredibly accurate to how queer people in the real world often mask their identities to survive. having to conceal a part of themself that they can't change. its also worthy to note that while benny was able to mask , ellen can't just. cover up the fact shes a black woman , she cant hide or run away or deny what she is. and in her situation , she also can't run away from the consequences that come from. Merely existing. “Wrong.” and cant shield herself from the grief and mental strain that comes with that kind of dehumanization by avoiding the elephant in the room all together. 

in my head, ellen and benny didn’t start off. Actually having sexual encounters. i imagine benny tried to get into it the first time , and ultimately was uncomfortable. only to be slapped in the face with the notion of ellen. also being uncomfortable. and still feeling as though it couldn't be avoided. Both of them having this kind of “I only agreed to this because i thought it was what you wanted.” mentality. and actually becoming attached to each other as a result. without the mental burden of thinking that the other only views them as a sexual object

yknow

only to have that all swept from under their feet by AM.

seeing ellen wiping spittle from his mouth and holding his hand and trying to make sure hes safe is genuinely kind of heart wrenching when you think of it from less of a "oh shes the nicest of course shes doing that" and more of her. trying to keep the last scraps of her friendship with the only man who actually cared for her outside of what she can offer him alive , scraping and clawing to stay attached to what used to be her only equal. man.

also about that joke tone thing.

and i hate to talk about ted for more than 5 seconds in a rant that isn't about him. but ill be honest.

people not liking benny as much as they do ted is because they cant sexualize bennys homosexuality the way they do with teds "homosexuality" ( only projected onto him because hes the only one of the five that can be perceived as a "twink" because hes a thinner man. ) because hes not conventionally attractive. in fact its a part of his CHARACTER that hes no longer attractive. and that his sexuality is something genuinely implemented into his character. so they can't be as easily weird in THAT way with benny as they are with ted.

so in turn, they make jokes about him being violated. and dehumanized. guys don't you get it. his weiner is big. laugh guys.

also people genuinely erasing a lot of ted's genuine misogyny in favor of him being the token girlboss gay guy is. i feel like calling genuinely misogynistic men gay is also a problem and. ted is the result of that problem. no he's not gay he just hates women. there is a big difference between not being attracted to women and wanting to see them suffer because they don't "know their place"

TLDR ; benny and ellen IMA GET YOU OUTTA THERE.

[genderqueerdykes]

I’ve been told both by people with PCOS and by an actual doctor that I display a lot of symptoms of PCOS. The doctor never gave me a diagnosis and I can’t ask another doctor because I always get accused of being a hypochondriac (and I don’t have the money to go on my own so my parents pay for it). I’m asking you because I know some people consider PCOS as an intersex condition and I was wondering if you’d have any advice for this situation. I don’t know for sure if it’s PCOS or something else because there’s some type of hormone thing going on with me. Thank you in advance and sorry for bothering you.

hello there! thanks for coming by, i appreciate it! i hope i can be of some help. i'm sorry you're going through that, i think because PCOS is a condition associated with """women""" a lot of professionals just don't wanna test for it because they think you're all worked up and faking it. i'm sorry it's proving difficult

what i would do is call a gynecologist and ask them to do it instead. GPs (family doctors) generally can't do shit in this department. they really can't do much at all, they're basically referral machines. if you need a referral from your doctor, you can fib a little and say you're just wanting help with heavy periods or something. or describe symptoms you're having without naming the disorder

sometimes naming the disorder makes doctors feel like you're doctor shopping or faking for whatever reason. try listing symptoms instead and see if they'll accept that instead. a gynecologist is gonna be able to run the tests needed in order to figure out if it's that or something else going on. if you can't get in with an OBGYN of any kind, then i'd like to open this up to others for feedback on what to do in that situation. hope we can get you some help, good luck, and stay safe

[possibilistfanfiction]

i know you're working on it so no rush at all but i will love to read some poor unsuspecting queer person having a giant crush on cait only to be met with handsome vi, thank you!!

[rip to this queer person just trying to flirt, who wouldn't be a little overwhelmed by cait lol. a counterpart to this silly guy. on ao3.]

//

you show up early because you’re nervous; you remind yourself that you’re an impressive, competent person, a badass attorney, a great uncle, a thoughtful friend — you can do this. it helps, immediately, when there are a few other people early too, milling around the trunk of an suv, laughing and dividing gear between themselves into their packs. you don’t have any real gear yet, beyond a pair of beginner shoes and a chalk bag, mostly because you have no idea if you’ll like this hobby or not, but you’d seen one of your acquaintances post the flyer for the event in their stories, and it was free, and this year you’re pushing yourself to get outside more, to try new things, to be brave. 

you take a deep breath and then turn your car off and grab your backpack from the passenger seat. when you start to walk over to the group, a little cold in the morning and grateful you had decided to layer warmly, you breathe a little easier because they all look toward you and smile.

‘hi,’ one of them says, and she’s — unfortunately for you, but also very fortunately — kind of devastatingly beautiful: she’s tall, with sleek dark hair and bright blue eyes and a horribly charming gap in her teeth when she smiles in greeting, dressed in what you can tell are nice climbing clothes, even if you don’t know a whole lot about the sport. ‘i’m caitlyn. you’re here for the queer crush climbing clinic?’

she has an accent, clipped and proper, god help you. you get it together, though. ‘yeah. yes. i’m alé.’ you offer a hand to shake, way too formal for the situation, but she accepts it without any fuss.

‘wonderful,’ she says. ‘i can’t quite remember what gear everyone needed, but i know i packed it according to the spreadsheet. jayce —‘ she points at a handsome man with broad shoulders and a friendly grin — ‘should be able to get you fitted for a harness and a helmet if you need.’ 

you nod and jayce motions you over to the trunk, very neatly organized, and walks you through the basics of how a harness should fit, and how adjustable their new helmets are. you fight down a wave of nausea when he asks if you’d like a men’s or women’s harness, but then he just tells you that one might fit a little more comfortably than the other, and it’s up to you because there’s no significant differences overall. still, when the men’s harness feels just fine and jayce deems it to be a perfect, safe fit, you breathe a sigh of relief, and he gives you a high five. ‘i love the color of that one,’ he says, and then grabs a helmet to hand to you. ‘cait got all of these new last week; we’re really excited,’ he tells you, like it’s totally normal to just buy fifteen climbing helmets, but whatever. a queer climbing collective that has a gear library and hosts beginner outdoor clinics is definitely not something you’re going to complain about. 

you get your harness back in the bag and shoved into your backpack, and the helmet clipped to the outside, like jayce had suggested; you’re worried you’re going to have to wait awkwardly, because you kind of got here way before any of the climbers were supposed to show up, but no one seems bothered.

‘we’re going to go rig the routes,’ caitlyn says, and you can feel yourself blush just being around her. ‘jayce is going to hang out here to wait for other climbers, and then they’ll do the approach together, so you’re totally welcome to just wait here. but if you want, you can come with us while we set everything up; could be fun to see, if you’re interested.’

you — thank god — refrain from making a joke about how you’d probably follow her off a cliff, and instead nod totally normally. ‘that would be really cool. thanks.’

‘of course,’ she says, and then hands you a climbing rope with a wink that makes you, kind of just a little, want to die. ‘carry this over your shoulders if you think you can?’

you stand up straighter. ‘i definitely can.’

one of the other people waiting rolls her eyes with a little scoff, but she takes off out of the parking lot. ‘let’s go,’ she says, annoyed. ‘i wanna climb before i belay for seven million hours.’

caitlyn rolls her eyes fondly. ‘ignore her; she’s just grumpy her pack is so heavy.’

‘yeah, yeah,’ she says, then turns toward you. ‘anyway, i’m jinx.’ she points to the third member of their trio, who seems quite peaceful for this early in the morning and that full a pack. ‘this is ekko.’

he waves and takes off down the trail confidently, surefooted and relaxed. jinx follows, and caitlyn makes sure to stay close behind you. she’s quiet, probably to let you focus on the trail, which requires you, closer to where you assume you’ll be climbing, to scramble around on some rocks, using your hands. you’re a little embarrassed, because jinx and ekko hadn’t had to, but caitlyn compliments you as you approach an intimidatingly tall rock face, and you chance a look at her, cheeks slightly pink from the hike, eyes bright. 

your voice comes out a little hoarse when you say, ‘thanks,’ but she doesn’t mention it.

/

jinx and caitlyn get all set up to climb, including a little squabble about whether or not jinx actually needs a helmet which ends in her admitting a very dramatic defeat and putting one covered in stickers on while she grumbles, and ekko kicks back near you after he’s laid out some ropes and other gear. he explains that they’re going to sport, or lead, climb the routes, putting what are called quickdraws — he shows you one — in bolts that are already in the wall, and then set top rope anchors for everyone else to climb: on top rope, he says, there’s really no way anyone will fall, and, ‘cait is great at setting anchors; she knows, like, every safety thing ever invented, i’m pretty sure.’ he glances over at jinx starting to climb, already zipping up the wall, and smiles something tinged with a lot of fond devotion. ‘jinx, not so much, but she’ll be really safe for this clinic, at least. and cait will check everything anyway.’

it’s kind of amazing, to watch them do something that you know will be really hard for you, and have it look so easy. ekko explains what cait’s doing on belay that’s great technique in case jinx falls — ‘this is an easy route for her, but you never know’ — and you’re drawn by caitlyn’s careful hands, the rhythm she has feeding and taking slack with jinx as she clips into each bolt that speaks to hours and hours of doing this together. it’s not hard to tell that ekko and jinx are kind of in love, or whatever, but cait isn’t here with anyone who seems like a partner, so you still have some hope. you haven’t dated much since you transitioned, and it’s time to get back out there, according to all of your friends and your therapist, at least.

jinx finishes whatever she’s doing at the top of the route, and then cait lowers her smoothly while jinx takes each quickdraw off the rope and out of the wall. they give each other a little fist bump when she gets down, smiling happily, at ease and in their element. 

‘ekko,’ jinx calls, untying her knot and then hopping out of her climbing shoes with a grimace, not caring that she’s barefoot on the cold ground, ‘wanna belay cait on the 5.10a?’

he gives a lazy salute and gets up with a kind smile, dusts his pants off and leaves his warm jacket on the rock next to you, and walks over to caitlyn. they go over some safety checks, you surmise, and jinx sits next to you after she shrugs into ekko’s coat over her long sleeve t-shirt with a happy little sigh, and then rummages around in her bag and pulls out a to-go mug and some chips. ‘breakfast of champions,’ she says, grinning and offering you the bag, licking some fake cheese dust from her fingers, which also have some chalk residue still on them. 

you politely decline and think about all the possible conversation topics you could start, but then caitlyn begins to climb and you’re entranced: she looks like she’s dancing, easily crossing her feet sometimes, smoothly resting, putting quickdraws in, clipping in the rope, and then continuing on without any pauses, one fluid, precise motion, over and over. 

jinx notices and rolls her eyes, but there’s no malice in it. ‘she’s pretty good. but don’t ever tell her i told you that.’

you laugh, a little more in the world with it. ‘secret’s safe with me.’

‘it helps to be, like, a million feet tall with the longest legs on the planet,’ jinx points around another mouthful of chips and washes them down with a swig of coffee as as caitlyn easily navigates a far reach. ‘at least on routes like this.’

all you can do is nod, breathless, as caitlyn reaches the top, not even breathing hard, and then sets up another anchor. ekko lowers her after she calls out that she’s done, and he gives her a high-five, easy and familiar. they wave jinx over and she gets ready to belay ekko on the third route while caitlyn walks off back toward the parking lot, telling them that she’s going to go help jayce with the rest of the gear library and helping lead the approach for the rest of the group who’s arrived by now. you watch her walk away, her climbing pants just tight enough to give you an idea of what might be under them: god fucking bless.

/

it’s easy, once other people arrive, to feel like you’re all in it together: you do an ice breaker with your names and pronouns, how much climbing experience you have — you’re relieved to learn that most people have little to none, just like you — and what flavor of ice cream you’d be. there are so many trans and non-binary people, and a lot of people of color, and you can tell that, even if the climbing itself might be a little scary, it’s a good space to be in: you’re already grateful for it. then caitlyn goes through a bunch of the basics: a figure 8 knot, the way they rigged top rope anchors, how the belay device, called a grigri, works, and what grade each route is, from easiest to most challenging, so that everyone has a good understanding and feels as safe as possible. it’s thoughtful, and organized, and kind, and it only makes your giant crush even worse. you sit with a few people, too intimidated to go first once everyone actually gets to start trying it out.

after a few people go, though, the route caitlyn is belaying is open, and you decide that you can fucking do it: you’re brave and you’re strong and she grins when you walk over, your climbing shoes already hurting your feet and your heart beating hard.

things are fine, totally cool and you’re so chill and normal, but then you struggle tying the knot. 

‘do you mind if i help?’ she asks, and you shake your head, gesture for her to go for it. suddenly you’re hit with her perfume and her shiny her hair is, how close her face is, her thing, dextrous fingers very, very close to your body as she explains each step and guides the rope through the loops properly. you have to clear your throat when she finishes, which is mortifying, but she just smiles and shows you that her grigri is locked and loaded properly. ‘you can start whenever you feel comfortable,’ she says. ‘i’ll keep it tight, so that you’ll be super safe.’

you will your brain to ignore i’ll keep it tight and instead struggle, so hard, even at the beginning of the route. it’s a little embarrassing, especially since this is the easiest route, one jinx had climbed in, like, a minute, doing a ton more than you, but then caitlyn shouts some encouragement, and helps you with some suggestions when you get stuck, unsure what to do at a certain point in the route. you make it almost all the way to the top anchor before you get a little freaked out and ask to be lowered down. caitlyn smiles so genuinely — her tooth gap on display again — and the sun hits her face just right, and it’s kind of like the proudest moment in your life.

‘great job, alé,’ she compliments, and you thank her, your voice as steady as you can will it to be. 

/

eventually, caitlyn gets to take a break and, just your luck, sits in a camp chair jayce had set up right next to you. she stretches her feet out, legs crossed elegantly, and rifles through jinx’s gigantic backpack which is, apparently, full of snacks, before pulling out some trailmix and offering you some. you take a handful and thank her.

‘how are you enjoying the day so far?’ she asks, and you can tell she’s genuinely invested. 

‘it’s really awesome,’ you answer honestly. ‘i’m trying to spend more time outdoors and move my body more, so this is super cool. climbing always seemed like such a hard thing to get into.’

she frowns in understanding. ‘it can be. that’s why i started this collective, with jayce, a few years ago. taking out the cost of gear and having experienced climbers volunteer has, at least as far as i can tell, helped a lot of people get into it.’

‘well, i for one can definitely say that i want to keep learning more.’

she perks up, pleased. ‘we host meetups at some gyms, too. if you ever need a free guest pass, you can dm us on the account and we can get you set up. gym climbing is a lot less stuff, at least. and no hike there.’

she laughs at her own joke, and you’re glad you’re sitting down because you’re a little weak at the knees from it all: the lilt of her accent and the tune of her laugh and her perfect skin, the way her practical fleece stretches across her chest and then, when she takes it off, the set of her shoulders and arms, dainty but so strong at the same time. you force yourself to ask questions about her life — she’s a doctor and she works in public health, which makes her a good person, let alone a hot person — and she seems honestly invested when you tell her about your legal work on tenants rights. it’s not a first date, obviously, but you kind of maybe think it might feel a little like one. it’s easy to enjoy her company, but then jinx calls to you and asks if you’d like to climb again, and it would be silly if you didn’t, especially after caitlyn pats your shoulder encouragingly. you make it to the top of this one, and you hear jinx and caitlyn cheering you on, and the weather has warmed up in the sun. 

/

things are going great until they’re really not. it’s not that anything happens, really, at least nothing scary or bad, but you’d talked on and off for hours with caitlyn and you were working up the courage to ask if she maybe wanted to grab a late lunch after this, since it seems like the group is kind of winding down. but then a new person shows up, an adorable, blocky-headed pitbull training behind her closely, his mouth open in the best puppy smile. she’s seemingly a little harried but with gives a big, genuine smile when jinx grins and shoots a finger gun in her direction. ekko calls out a hello from where he’s belaying, and jayce sighs in relief.

‘vi!’ he says, and the new person sets her pack down and waves. ‘thank god. cait says you’re gonna clean everything?’

’sure am. i really am sorry i couldn’t be here for the whole morning.’

he waves the thought off. ‘i’m just glad you could make it, even though you didn’t have to come after a shift, you know.’

vi shrugs, then stretches her arms over her head. her shirt rides up a little, and you see abs and a trail of hair up toward her belly button, and you’re just kind of sitting in admiration until it all comes crashing down. caitlyn finishes lowering a climber and then gets off belay and walks — or, more aptly, saunters — over to vi, who grins like she’s watching the sun rise after the longest winter night. 

‘hello, darling,’ caitlyn says, and then leans in to kiss vi quickly. your heart sinks as vi gently touches caitlyn’s waist, at the hip just over her harness. 

‘hey,’ she says, her voice a little rough around the edges. ‘sorry i’m late. how’s the day gone?’

‘splendidly, i think,’ caitlyn says, happy and at ease. ‘and don’t apologize, i told you that you didn’t have to come at all.’

‘yeah, but i wanted to.’

‘well,’ caitlyn says softly, ‘i’m glad you’re here.’

you sigh in disappointment, a little stormy, before jinx plops down next to you with a laugh; it might be even more mortifying that someone had noticed how down bad you were. ‘don’t worry,’ she says, ‘cait is annoying as fuck, actually. vi is my sister, so i’ve had to put up with this shit for years.’ the dog wanders over to her happily, putting his big, dirty paws on her chest while she laughs and lets him kiss her face and greets him with nonsense baby talk he seems to love. it soothes things a little, when he snuffles at your leg and looks at you with his big eyes, asking for a scratch behind the ears. ‘this is their dog, atlas.’

it’s an alright consolation, you guess, to have had a beautiful day outside with cool new friends and what you think could become a great new hobby, and to get to hang out with the friendliest dog you’ve ever met; it’s not the worst, you’ll admit, to watch vi, who takes her shirt off to reveal scars across her chest and scattered around her stomach, and then a muscular back and arms covered in gorgeous tattoos, climb the routes easily to, as jinx tells you, clean the anchors, when everyone declares themselves too tired to climb any longer. 

you all pack out and get back to the parking lot soon after, the hike back feeling easy after you’d done so much; vi loads some gear into a cool vintage bronco, letting atlas hop into the back seat before helping caitlyn finish loading everything into her subaru. ‘see you at home?’ she asks.

caitlyn brushes back vi’s short, messy hair from her forehead for a moment, tender, and vi sinks into the touch. ‘drive safe.’

vi backs up and then salutes with a grin. ‘always do.’

caitlyn rolls her eyes and waves to vi, then waves to you too as you head off to your car. you got a few people’s numbers, so that you can try out the gyms they climb at and maybe go to a few meetups together: you tried something new, and you were brave, just like you’d set out to be. 

[starringmycoffee]

hi, i'll explain because that's me! (it's complicated, but i exist 90% of the time as one entity and 10% of the time as seperated when the situation calls for it - i'm in that grey area between functional multiplicity and full fusion.) also, thank you for asking! i love talking about this.

no one is gone. no one stopped existing. we did it out of profound love for each other and because we are more comfortable together than apart. i am every alter i've ever been all at once. instead of my alters being seperate and feeling rushed for time when they front or feeling stuck in the trauma that made them split, they are all able to express themselves whenever they want and engage in things outside of their narrow roles.

marcus, for instance, was our primary caretaker for a long time. he only ever fronted to shower, cook, and do chores. he had a breakdown over that. he felt dehumanized. now, the part of me that was once marcus is able to like... enjoy our video games or play with our dog. it's less that he's gone and more that he's always present. he doesn't have to leave.

another alter, rey, was a previous host and an anger holder. rey knew nothing except anger. his existance was miserable because of that. when he fused with alex and theo and a few others, he didn't disappear. he shared his capacity to feel anger with alters that previously didn't really have access to that. in turn, theo (first edition) shared his kindness and alex shared his chill, goofy nature with rey. all of them became one well-rounded individual.

lyric was a scared little girl. she knew almost nothing except fear, neglect, and abandonment. when she fused with finn, she learned happiness. when they fused with jukebox, they all learned what our real life is like. they are happy now, and they get to do all the things they want to do. they're present in our safe, current, real life.

i have tons more examples of this, but for the sake of the post, i'll stop there. fusions work only because we love each other and want better for each other. like different colored lego bricks, fusions for us are less that any brick disappears and more than the bricks are stronger (happier) as one wall.

fusion feels like alters holding hands. fusion feels like love. fusion feels like a hug. fusion feels like a warm drink on a cold rainy day. no one could fuse without their full consent. and if some alter someday comes out of dormancy and doesn't want to fuse, we won't make them. but what we will do is love them and continue to love each other.

also, final fusion is... not as final as you'd think. i am able to seperate myself if i need a certain alter's perspective. the difference is that it's within my control rather than me constantly being triggered and scared.

finally, a disclaimer that just because this is my healing path and what makes me happy doesn't mean it's right for everyone. i just really wish people (in general) wouldn't demonize fusion or spread misinfo about it - none of my alters died or went away. they're much happier this way. i know this because i am them. they are me. they're comfortable and happy and we trust each other.

Tw: fusion mention

Can someone explain why a system might want to fuse into one person again? Does anyone have experience with that? Do headmates actually want that in some cases? Is it only because they hate being a system or because they hate each other?

Because any time we see someone talking about fusion it's from anti endo DID systems who hate each other and think being a system is awful. And we kind of really hate that.

We don't understand why headmates might literally want to stop existing. It doesn't seem healthy. But we also don't want to judge people without trying to understand.