#“I hate every single poem you’ve ever written and believe they need to be destroyed EXCEPT this one and this one because

[theres-whump-in-that-nebula]

The HORROR of hearing your little five-year-old voice singing awkwardly along to a pristine backing track because your dad was just dying to shove you in front of a mic and produce a song as soon as you could enunciate words semi-intelligibly.

[thescreamingraven]

Promise 3

Dabi x reader

Genre/warnings: Fluff and angst, mentions of injury, swearing.

Words: 7 510

Summary:  Trying to fix what’s broken is not always easy.

≿————-　❈　————-≾

Hey, hey, so sorry this took so long I had a bit of a writers block but here it is, I’m thinking of doing part four soon. I think this turned out pretty well tho.

≿————-　❈　————-≾I

It was already quite dark  outside, bright street lights added to the scenery as small snowflakes began to slowly decorate the sidewalks. Inside the cozy home, the smell of deliciously cooked food still lingered. It would’ve been a peaceful night if it weren’t for your loudly pouting son, who refused to listen to you.

  “Enji told me I’m strong enough to come…” your son pestered you.

  You put back one plate in the sink, looking down at the boy in front of you if you could call him that… he was soon going to be fourteen and in agreement with Endeavor will be starting U.A in only a couple of weeks. He was so eager to get into action that he wouldn’t stop pestering about letting him start patrols early.

You saw Hawks walking out of the bathroom with his hero suit on.

  “Give the kid a chance Y/n, it’s not like he will be doing it alone.” he chirped.

  “See, even Hawks agrees with me.”

  You crossed your arms, and leaned on the kitchen counter, giving Hawks a death stare, which he tried to soften up with his casual smirk.

  “It could be an early birthday present?” Your son suggested.

  You sighed and let your hands fall in defeat, his puppy eyes taking a toll on you.

“Be back by midnight or you’re grounded.”

  You could see his face light up with joy as he gave you the tightest hug imaginable.

You gave him an encouraging smile, before gesturing him to go get ready, as he was rushing to his room you shouted. “Don’t forget your jacket angel, it’s quite chilly tonight.”

  “He’s grown up so fast…” Hawks walked closer to you and leaned on the counter.

  “That he did…” you smiled before looking back at him. “Are you sure it’s safe? Criminal activity has skyrocketed recently and-”

  “He’ll be fine, we won’t let anything happen to him… promise.” He gave your hand a light squeeze.

  You both stayed silent for a moment before Hawks spoke yet again.

  “So… when are we going to tell him?”

  Your smile slowly faded away as you slipped your hand away from Hawks.

  “Soon…”

  “You’ve been saying that for almost 5 months now-”

  Hawks was interrupted by an opening door from your son’s room as he quickly rushed back to the kitchen.

“Sorry to keep you waiting Hawks, you ready to go?”

  Hawks concerned look was replaced by his usual wit and charm as he yammered.

  “Always ready for you, kid.” He turned back to you. “We’re heading out.”

  You nodded, saying a quick goodbye and getting back to the dishes you were doing.

≿————-　❈　————-≾

  Hawks quietly closed the front door and caught up to S/n, who was casually standing near the sidewalk. “Ready to fight crime?” Hawks asked as he approached him.

  “Hell yeah I am, I still can’t believe she allowed me to go.”

  “Your mom’s just worried about you, kid.”

  “I know, but she can be a bit overbearing sometimes… I’m not five years old anymore, I can fight now…”

  “It’s better to have that kind of parent than none at all.” Hawks murmured.

  “I know.”

  “Anyway… ready to go?”

  “Hell yeah.” your son grinned.

  “I like your enthusiasm, kid.”

≿————-　❈　————-≾

  It’s been fourteen years since that day….

    You were sitting on a nearby chair near the receptionist, patiently waiting for Endeavor to arrive with your daughter. You thought about your conversation with Dabi and silently prayed that he would only make the right choice. Your thoughts were interrupted by your daughter’s excited screams as she dragged the tall figure across the hall.

She let go of Endeavor’s hand when she saw you and leaped into your arms with a huge grin on her face.

  “Mommy, daddy’s not asleep anymore.”

  You gently brushed strands of hair from her face, softly purring.“I know angel… and he can’t wait to see you.”

  You looked up at Endeavor.

“Will you-”

  “I think I’d be better if I stayed back for a bit…. I don’t want Tou—Dabi to get the wrong idea.”

  You gave him a nod, setting your daughter down on the ground, taking her hand in yours as you took a deep breath before opening the door. Your eyes wandered to the bed Dabi was lying in moments ago, but yet you found nothing.

Your daughter stood there confused, tugging on your hand and asking for her father.

Endeavor saw the way you froze and came to investigate, when he saw the bed empty he called the nurses to ask if they’d seen him leave. But you assured him you were sitting near the door the whole time and didn’t see him leave, the window wasn’t open either.

You walked over to the nearby stand and found a brief note with only two words on it.

  I’m sorry.

Ever since that day, your daughter changed. She became closed off and cold, whenever you tried talking about her father you were met with silence until one day you mentioned his name, and she responded with a shocking answer.

  “Dabi… who’s that?”

  The doctors said it was something called dissociative amnesia, and that’s why she couldn’t remember her father, her brain blocked him out, it being a traumatic event. You were scared that she may forget everything else, but the doctor quickly calmed you down.

After her amnesia started she became her old self again, the same warm, hopeful person you once knew. She never asked for her father’s whereabouts, she just enjoyed life, spending the days with Endeavor, completely forgetting about her father's quirk.

Endeavor had suggested for her to become a hero like him, but your daughter just brushed it off. Instead, your daughter left the country  to follow her dreams, she got into a good college and made her own life… she even met someone special...

≿————-　❈　————-≾

  After you had your son, life became a bit more complicated, him being born with your quirk and having the number one pro hero as his grandfather really boosted his confidence; he began to train in secret when he was only seven years old, but it didn’t stay hidden for long. At first, you were a bit skeptical about the thought of him becoming a hero... but when you saw how your son’s face lit up when Endeavor suggested training him, well how could you say no?

  Your son hated Dabi, ever since he first saw one of his victims appear on the news he vowed to himself to at least destroy him if not all villains.

So when he asked about his dad…it got a little awkward, you would brush it off saying you’d explain it to him when he’s older. After a few years, he just gave up accepting the fact that he didn’t have a father… well, not a biological one.

  Ever since Dabi left, Hawks stayed glued to your side like a magnet, attending to your every need and satisfying your every craving. He even took some time off work, of the last few weeks of your pregnancy, whenever you would ask him about his generosity he would just brush it off with “I guess it’s my bird instincts” But you knew it was something deeper than that, he never had a normal family before maybe this was his way of establishing one.

When your son was born, Hawks didn’t leave his side, you didn’t know why he did what he did, taking the father role in his life as he did, he was there when he said his first words and took his first steps. He used to get up in the night to feed him and babysat him while you worked. While his actual father was doing god knows what... you tried calling him and texting him several times yet to no avail. Endeavor suggested to go out and find him, yet you declined the offer. If a villain is what he wanted to be, then so be it.

  You were furious at him for being such a stubborn person that he was, if only he would’ve stayed and actually solved the problems together rather than taking them on himself… maybe things would’ve been different...

Your thoughts were interrupted by a notification from your phone, you stood up from the couch and walked over to it and were met by a concerning message from Hawks.

≿————-　❈　————-≾

  Hawks and S/n were walking through an empty valley, dim street lights barely lighting up their path.

“So… this is patrolling, huh.”

  “You don’t sound very excited, what... is this too boring for you?” Hawks leered.

  “I just thought there would be more action is all.”

  “The league has been really quiet recently, they’re probably planning something big.” Hawks stated before he caught a glimpse of curiosity from the boy beside him. “Don’t look at me like that…if your mother learned that I put you in danger in any way, she would make me a flightless chicken with that death stare of hers.”

  “You’re such a sap, ya know.” S/n chuckled.

  “Sorry?”

  “Y/n this, Y/n that… just go kiss her already.”

  “I don’t think you understand how relationships work.” Hawks scratched his head nervously.

  “You’ve been doing this for years, Hawky it’s time to make a move.”

  Hawks coughed, speeding up his pace, trying to hide the embarrassment so clearly written all over his face.

  “Is it because of him?” S/n wondered, catching up.

  “Him?”

  “My dear old dad… you shouldn’t be discouraged, he’s probably dead, anyway.”

  “Wh—why do you think so?”

  “Well, I assume since neither one of you are telling me about him.”

  “He’s—it’s complicated-”

  “And we’ll tell you when you’re older, right, right. I know the poem.” S/n mocked.

  “But isn’t it the perfect reason to confess soon? If the guy is still alive, who knows she might get back with him… so you should make a move while she’s still single.”

  “Ya know, when I thought about what I’d be doing with my life, I certainly did not imagine getting dating advice from a kid. Have you ever even seen a girl?” Hawks teased.

  “Of course I have, you ass…”

  Both of them walked in silence for a while, before S/n mumbled. “I think you’d make her really happy… and I-” Hawks saw the way S/n hesitated before continuing. “I wouldn’t mind having you for a father.” he quickly added.

“If you tell anyone I said that I’ll make sure you suffer a worse fate than being a flightless chicken.”

  “Kid I-”

  Hawks stopped himself from speaking any further when he heard a noise coming from behind them. He turned around shushing S/n and trying to listen in to the noise, which now became clearer...

At least 10 figures appeared from the shadow covered corners surrounding the two of them.

Hawks stepped closer to S/n, pulling him against himself, and mumbled.

“Stay close kid.”

  The pursuiters stayed quiet, letting out a few maniacal laughs.

  “Why are we not attacking?” S/n whispered, his question being ignored by the hero as he scanned the situation thoroughly.

  Suddenly another shadowy figure appeared, yet this one was a bit taller and muscular than the others.

  “Well, colour me impressed, here I thought you were dead already.” Hawks remarked as the figure slowly stepped into the light.

S/n froze upon seeing the scared men clearer, he looked even more monstrous in person.

  “The league wants to have a word,” Dabi spoke, looking at Hawks who was trying to keep S/n from his piercing eyes.

“They always do, sadly I don’t have time for a tea party at the moment… how does next Tuesday sound?”

  Dabi only rolled his eyes and gestured to the goons. “Get the bird, I don’t care what you do with the kid.”

  The ten figures let out several chuckles before slowly beginning to walk closer.

“It seems it’s your lucky day, kid. I’ll take the right side and you take the left.”

  “This will be fun.” S/n grinned.

  It all happened very quickly, the five figures on the left attacked S/n. He could tell they were inexperienced, so it didn’t take that long for him to defeat them, yet Hawks had a more tough time fighting, trying to dodge Dabis attacks which were thrown randomly for his amusement, no less.

Yet he wasn’t careful enough, one single slip up, caused Hawks to lose balance as he tripped and landed near S/n. He tried to get up again, but his muscles weren’t complying. He looked back up to Dabi who’s blue fire seemed to get uncomfortably closer by the second. He closed his eyes, shielding himself with his wings for the upcoming attack…. And yet nothing came, he quickly let his wings fall onto the ground and saw S/n standing before him with his arm raised, fresh steam coming from it, his hand burnt, now purplish and Dabi standing there frozen.

Dabi let his flames dive down, slowly walking forwards.

  “You’re-” S/n mumbling was interrupted by sharp, throbbing in his hand, he fell to the ground screaming in pain as Hawks rushed to his side.

Endeavor must have heard the commotion as S/n could hear his voice in the distance yelling something he couldn’t comprehend. He saw Dabis eyes hesitate before he slowly backed away, back into the shadows he came from; he saw Hawks who was shouting for Endeavor to hurry and restrain the remaining goons and he slowly fell into darkness.

≿————-　❈　————-≾

  The two heroes quietly sat in the waiting room, anxiously looking at the staff that were passing by, before a familiar voice casually spoke. “He’ll be fine mister Endeavor, whatever caused his hand to burn up like that did some serious damage but with some stitches, we were able to fix it.”

“Thank you, doc we appreciate it.” Hawks sighed. “Could we… see him now?”

  The doctor gave them a quick nod before walking away, both of them followed close behind as Hawks tried to calm down his shaking heart.

They walked over to one of the rooms on the right wing before the doctors opened the door.

  “He should be awake soon, and whatever you have the time, there are some forms that I need you to sign.”

  “That’s fine, just give us a minute?” Hawks asked, walking over to the boy’s side.

  The doctor mumbled something under their breath before walking out.

Hawks scanned the boy’s hand, which was now heavily bandaged. “Y/n is going to kill us.” he looked back at Endeavor. “Did you call her already?”

  “No… not yet.”

  “Good, let’s… just wait a little while longer…”

  Both were quiet for a moment before Hawks mustered up the courage to ask.“Do you think he knows…?”

  “I’m sure he does, it isn’t that difficult to figure it out.”

  “So what do we do about him ? If he tells the league-”

  “He won’t, you and I both know that.” Endeavor cut him off.

  “We don't, he isn’t a very predictable person Enji and even if he doesn’t, those goons of his will. Didn’t you tell me one got away?”

  “Yeah… I’ll take care of it, in the meantime...I think we should postpone his U.A training…”

  Hawks looked down on S/n unconscious body remembering the endless tiring training sessions the two of them had.

“There has to be another way… he worked so hard for it, maybe we can take certain precautions-”

  “We’ll talk about this at home… I better go and tell Y/n,” Endeavor declared, pulling out his phone.

  “I’ll do it, you’re not exactly too subtle with words, you stay here.” Hawks stood up from his seat, pulling his phone out of his pocket, and walked out of the room, closing the door behind him.

  Endeavor sat there quietly, thoughts racing of what he should do, a thought of moving you two out even further away from the city flashed his mind, but he quickly shook it off. When he lifted his gaze from the ground he saw S/n laying awake, examining his hand.

“It’s good to have you back, son… how are you feeling?”

  “I’m fine… can we go home?” He asked with a gloomy sigh.

  “I don’t think that’s…”

  The door suddenly opened, revealing a slightly irritated Hawks, with the doctor following behind him.

“He’s all free to go if he wishes, just try to be careful with that hand of yours… it will sting for a while…”

  “Thank you, doc.” Hawks asserted. “What would we do without you?”

  “Do you seriously want me to answer that?”

  Hawks chuckled, walking over to S/n bed and giving him an apologetic smile.

“Ready to go home, champ?”

≿————-　❈　————-≾

  You sat patiently waiting on the couch as the door finally opened and your son walked in holding his bandaged hand. You rushed to his side, pulling him into your arms, trying not to squeeze too hard. “S/n… are you okay? Does your hand hurt?”

  “How… how could you keep this away from me….” he mumbled, pulling back.

  “Kid-” Hawks tried putting a hand on his shoulder to calm him down.

  “Don’t touch me, don’t you fucking touch me.” your son choked.

  “Angel...”

  “Shut up, you’re no better.” he snapped. “I need an honest answer and you’re going to give me one.”

  “Is he—Is that sociopath, murderous bastard, really my father?”

  You and Hawks looked at each other before murmuring “I… yes he is....look I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I just-”

“We didn’t want you to overreact,” Hawks added.

  “Oh… oh… you thought I would overreact? Yeah, okay, so instead of just straight up saying hey you have a sociopath for a father, you hide and keep it a secret from me. Well, you got your overreaction, I hope you’re happy, bursting with fucking joy no doubt.” S/n mocked.

“So for how long were you planning to keep this to your deary selves?”

  “We-”

  Endeavor finally decided to join in the conversation.

“As long as we had to… if the public found out--if the league found out you’d not be only putting all of us in danger but yourself as well. The league could use you as their trumpet card.”

  Your son stood silent for a minute, thinking if he should continue to stand his ground or walk away, he decided he needed to cool off first before continuing this conversation and walked away, shutting himself in his room with a loud slam.

“I need to go talk to him…”

  “No, what you need to do is give him some space… he’s confused and hurt, adding more fuel to the fire won’t make it go out faster.” Hawks reassured you, wrapping one of his arms around your waist and leading you into the kitchen.“Let’s sit down and I’ll make you some tea, alright? Enji do you want some?”

  “Can’t... I need to go to my agency, explain what happened and all.”

  “I… alright try not to take too long.”

  Endeavor only hummed before walking back to the entrance.

≿————-　❈　————-≾

  “I’m sorry…” Hawks said with a sense of guilt.”I should’ve listened to you. I feel like such an asshole for convincing you to let me bring him along.”

  “You’re not the one to blame, I should have told him sooner.” you stammered.“What if he never forgives us… what will we do… I’m so scared Keigo… I-”

  He pulled another kitchen chair beside yours, wrapping his wings around and holding you close. “He will... just give the kid some time.”

  “How can you say that so confidently, look at Endeavor, and… he never forgave him.”

  “Different situation.” Hawks assured. “What’s the saying? Time heals all wounds.”

  You hugged him tighter and mumbled into his shoulder. “How did—how did he look?”

  Hawks sighed. “He hasn’t changed much… maybe a bit more scarred.”

  “I see… did he… you know...”

  “No, he didn’t say much.”

  “Why was he even there? You told me that area was secure.”

  “The league really wanted to have a word, whatever that means.”

  You pulled away from his warm comforting embrace and cupped his cheek

“I’m… I’m glad that you’re okay, you are okay, right?”

  “Yeah, a few cuts and bruises here and there but I’m fine… I should probably go clean up now that you mention it, don’t want them to get infected.”

  “I’ll help,” you muttered.

≿————-　❈　————-≾

  When S/n slammed his door, he immediately fell against it. He sat there, his hands on his knees, staring at the mirror in front of him, his mind racing empty but at the same time full of thoughts.

He sat there for a long time, listening in on your conversation with Hawks. He sighed, finally getting up, and walked up to the mirror. Standing there, he looked over his features. He looked at his face and couldn’t help but finally see how similar the two of them actually were; he remembered Dabi's sharp eyes smiling at the amusement of Hawks struggle... how did he not see it sooner . He looked down at his hands, flashbacks coming back, the blue flame consuming it, consuming him.

You’re just like him.

  How could you ever be a hero?

  Murderer…

  Monster….

  His mind raced to every possible possibility of his future, is he destined to become like him?

  It’s in your blood…

  That will be you someday, and everyone will hate you.

  Your family hates you, that’s why they lied.

  They fear you...

His thoughts were interrupted by a loud shattering noise, as he looked up, he saw his fist covered in blood, the mirror shattered, shards all scattered around the room. But yet there was still one small piece hanging up. He looked at it, and when he did, he didn’t see himself; he saw a broken, battered figure that so clearly resembled him.

S/n stumbled back, his breathing becoming quicker and quicker. He reached for his phone that was laying next to him on the ground and tried calling the only person he thought could help. It was already almost two am, so he could only pray to get a response in return.

After a few tries, the person finally picked up, with a sleepy undertone in his voice.

“Hello?”

≿————-　❈　————-≾

  S/n walked through an almost empty street when the playground finally came into view. On the swings sat a slouched figure, slowly rocking back and forth, his head was fixated on the ground, as he tried to push the sleepiness away.

The figure’s gaze quickly left the ground as he heard someone's footsteps approach his direction. He gave S/n a small wave and gestured for him to take a seat at the swing next to him, and so he did.

  “I’m sorry I called so late…” S/n mumbled.

  Shoto looked over at the kid, who was tapping his boots nervously. His eyes quickly made their way to the freshly bandaged hand.

“It is quite alright, you didn’t sound good on the phone… Did something happen?”

  S/n shook his head as he stayed quiet, trying to muster and find the right words to say.

≿————-　❈　————-≾

  “And done…” you chirped, gesturing Hawks to stand up from the chair.

  “Thanks… see I told you it wasn’t that bad,” he replied, putting his shirt back on.

  “Yeah…”

  You put away the bloodied towel and looked back in the direction of your son’s room.

Hawk’s eyes softened as he approached you. “I’ll go check on him, okay?”

  Your eyes snapped back to Hawks as you let out a sigh.

“I’d appreciate it,” you muttered.

  Hawks mustered a smile as he stood up and gave you a few pats on the head, before walking away and heading to your son’s room direction.

It was only but moments before he was standing at your son’s door, trying to listen in on any movements from his side. Not hearing a sound, he took a deep breath in and slowly turned the doorknob.

  “S/n…”

  He stopped, freezing up as he scanned the room. The window was open; the mirror laid shattered, shards scattered around everywhere, he saw S/n phone lying on the floor, and a few drops of blood on it.

  “Y/n we have a problem, ” He yelled, running back to the kitchen to pick up his phone.

≿————-　❈　————-≾

  S/n told Shoto everything that happened in great detail, trying to muster the strength against his bottled up emotions. After the whole story was told, the both of them remained silent, before Shoto finally spoke.

  “I know how you feel.” he trailed off. “I’m sorry this happened to you S/n… But you have nothing to fear, the two of you are nothing alike, you might have his quirk but you’re still your own person.”

  S/n stayed quiet as he kept his eyes on the ground.

  “You should go home now, the others might worry where you’ve gone.”

  S/n sighed before, humming in agreement, he got up from the swing, stretching out his arms. He turned back to Shoto.

“Can you… not tell them that I was here?”

  “I don’t think-” Shoto stood up and glanced at S/n who seemed exhausted from the evening’s events.“I… alright, let’s go I’ll walk you home.”

  “Nah, It’s fine, it’s just 10 minutes away I’ll be fine,” S/n reassured.

  “It’s still quite late. I don’t think that it would be safe to let you go home alone.”

  “Oh cmon, I have a murderer’s quirk on my side, what can go wrong?”

  “S/n…”

  “I’m just joking Sho, trying to brighten the mood a bit, anyway I’ll be fine.”

  Before Shoto could disagree, S/n was already walking away and waving him off.

≿————-　❈　————-≾

  He walked on a nearly empty street, the cars around him rushing, while he kept his hooded head down on the road.. His mind became a little calmer, like an ocean after a storm everything was calming down. He was so focused on his thoughts that he didn’t notice a quiet figure following him like a cat. He stopped near a crosswalk, looking up and waiting for the light to change, before he suddenly got grabbed and pulled roughly, a hand covering his mouth, he didn’t have any time to respond, everything became fuzzy as he was fastly pulled into what looked like a portal and thrown out the other side.

He moved onwards before quickly getting up into his fighting stance, ready to use his quirk on whatever or whoever grabbed him. Yet he wasn’t met by his kidnapper, only by a white haired man, who had some sort of hand on his face. S/n stood there for a second, trying to figure out if he should make a run for it or attack.

The quiet man poured another glass of whiskey, lifting one of his fingers from it, careful not to dust it. After the glass was half full, he murmured something under his breath before taking off his mask and giving the kid a creepy grin.

  “Come, take a seat…” the man gestured to a nearby bar stool.

  “Who are you and what do you want?” S/n hesitantly asked while he looked around the room.

  The man stopped his drink halfway to his mouth.

  “Ah, where are my manners, I’m Shigaraki… and you are?”

  “I’m-”

  “I’m joking, I already know who you are, you’re Dabi's little creation…” Shigaraki grinned. “You know, as Endeavor's grandson, he didn’t do a good job of protecting you… I mean you were just wandering around like a lost puppy.”

Shigaraki once again gestured to the empty seat next to him.

  “It’s not nice to reject a drink ya know.” Shigaraki looked at him, his grin slowly being replaced by a frown “Anyway, you must be thinking, why are you here? Well, I have a very appealing proposition for you, a deal of some sorts.”

  “Let me guess, you want me to join your evil boy club, is that it?”

  “Don’t call it that, ” Shigaraki snarled. “But yes, I want you to join the league ... now I can tell you’re hesitant, but think about it you’ll be accepted here.”

  “Oh, really?”

  “Why do you think they kept it away from you for so long?”

  “How do-”

  “They’re afraid of you like everyone else will be when they learn the truth…”

  That will be you someday, and everyone will hate you.

  “Shut up.” S/n hissed.

  “What about your dear old dad? You wouldn’t want to disappoint him now would you?”

  “He’s no father of mine.”

  You’re just like him.

  Shigaraki spun around on the chair, drink still in hand.

  “You might deny it now, but you’ll be crawling back here in no time… it’s in your blood, the hero society is broken enough, help me make it better.”

  It’s in your blood…

  “Shut up.”

  S/n wanted to walk away, he tried blocking out every word thrown his way, his eyes desperately looking for the exit, Shigaraki only stared at him, wondering what the kid will do next when the door of the hideout suddenly opened and an irritated Dabi walked in the room “Shiggy I’m back from-” he spotted his son in the room and immediately hissed. “Why is he here?”

  “Oh, him? I just wanted to have a brief chat with the kid, welcome him into the family.” Shigaraki grinned, turning back to face the bar.

  “I’m sure you did.” Dabi scoffed, making his way to S/n, grabbing him by the color and dragging him away while he struggled.

  Before Dabi could open the door, he heard Shigaraki quietly mumble to him.

“Didn’t think you were so soft Dabi.”

  Dabi rolled his eyes while his son kicked him and babbled. “Let go of me you freak.”

≿————-　❈　————-≾

  Dabi followed S/n close behind, stealing glances at the unfamiliar place he was leading him to, before he suddenly stopped on some old bridge, not budging to go any further.

  “Why did you stop?” Dabi asked, looking around at the old factory.

  “I’m not going to show a villain where I live.” your son returned going near the rails and leaning on them. “So leave me the hell alone, alright?”

  Dabi took a deep breath in, feeling slightly irritated, yet he couldn’t contain the drip of proudness rising in his chest, the kid might be stupid but at least you taught him well he thought. He approached S/n calmly, not trying to start a fight, as he could see the kid was on edge before he leaned against the rails next to him.

  “Listen-”

  “I don’t want to hear it…” S/n responded immediately.

  A painfully awkward silence filled the air as the two stood under a poorly light street light looking at the slowly moving water.

“I hate you”  S/n murmured.

  “I know.”

  “So that’s it? You won’t say anything else?”

  “I don’t think it will change much even if I did,” Dabi said casually.“You look… a lot like Y/n… is she—how is she doing?” he added, gripping the railing a bit too tight for comfort.

  “She’s doing good, a lot better without you no doubt.” your son smeared.

≿————-　❈　————-≾

  Dabi's heart painfully ached, after so many years the memories of your warm touch still lingered in his mind. A few days later after he left the hospital he came back to your old burnt house, your future home as you used to call it, he walked around the ashed trying to calm down the stinging feeling in his chest, he could’ve gone back, hell part of him screamed and begged him to, but he was too much of a coward, running away seemed easier them facing his father and facing the reality of crimes he committed, going back to that house filled the shadows of the past. Part of him also knew that betraying the league never ended well for anyone, and no matter how far or how long he would run, they’d always catch up. So he decided to suffer in silence and finally do something else than be selfish with his life.

  He walked around in ruins of what was once his home, spotting a cabinet that was badly burnt but still standing in what seemed to be your bedroom. He carefully opened it and shivered, looking at the slightly burnt photo. He recalled the event like it was yesterday; it was your daughter’s sixth Christmas; she was babbling and rambling all day, while you both tried putting up Christmas decorations, Christmas music played in the background and the smell of cookies filled your small little home. At the end of the day, you pestered him into taking a photo with the three of you. He so desperately wanted to disapprove but your daughter’s puppy eyes convinced him otherwise. You printed it out, and kept it close, calling it a good luck charm, and here it was still okay. Dabis hands trembled as he reached for it, carefully wiping the ashes from the photo, trying not to make it dirtier than it already was, and put it in his pocket, walking away with his lost treasure.

≿————-　❈　————-≾

  “I’m glad,” he whispered, a sad smile plastered on his face, before looking back at his son. “Whatever you think of me, it wasn’t easy for me to just leave.”

  “Mhm, right, because you care so much.”

  “Watch it,” Dabi growled before softening up once more. “How’s… D/n?”

  Your son froze, looking back at him before mouthing. “Wait… you’re her father too?”

  Dabi didn’t say anything before pulling out and carefully showing him the photo.

S/n hesitantly took it and mouthed, looking over it. “Are you kidding me…?”

A revengeful thought came to him as he looked it over, still trying to comprehend it. He could see this little picture meant a lot to the poor villain who was carefully observing him, anytime S/n would move it, he could see him grow a bit on edge. Yet he took pity on the monster standing near him and shoved it back into his hand.

  “Well, you can be happy then, she doesn’t remember you,” he murmured, returning his hand on the railing.

  Dabi froze, giving him a doubting look.

“Yeah, she has some sort of traumatic amnesia or so I’ve heard.”

  “Amnesia… what happened?”

  “I don’t know I wasn’t told much,” S/n remarked. “But hey now you have one less burden to worry about, don’t want to mess up your future plan.”

  “Is that why you think I left?” Dabi spoke, tightly gripping the photo which remained in his hand. “I did it to keep all of you safe and give you a good shot at life, not because you’re some burden.”

  “No, you left because you’re a coward, stop trying to justify it with some sacrificial bullshit.”

  “Listen here-”

≿————-　❈　————-≾

  Hawks has been flying around the city for almost 2 hours now, frantically searching every nick and cranny he could think of, he felt like ripping his feathers out, how did he not pick up the mirror breaking, how could he let S/n leave, or worse, maybe he was taken?

So many thoughts were rushing through his head as he finally allowed himself to breathe. He landed on a nearby rooftop pulling out his phone with intention of calling Endeavor to report the update, before he spotted a familiar figure on a bridge near an old factory, the bridge was on the brink of collapsing so no one bothered to light it up properly. Two figures were standing under a badly cleaned street light, which now began to frantically flicker.

Hawks quickly dialed Endeavor, explaining his suspicion and telling his location. Endeavor asked him to wait, not knowing if it could be a trap, but Hawks with a foggy mind and his protective instincts didn’t listen, he murmured a simple “see ya soon” and hung up the phone. He looked back in the direction of the bridge and let himself glide off the rooftop.

Dabi stopped talking when he saw Hawks approach them, he only looked at S/n, stuffing the photo back into his pocket, and mumbled. “Looks like our time is up.” before S/n was fastly carried by Hawks feathers away from the dangerously close villain.

Hawks landed near S/n, surprising him as he frantically searched for any kind of injuries.

  “You okay kid?” he looked back at Dabi with a nasty look. “He didn’t hurt you, did he?”

  S/n pushed himself out of Hawks grasp. “I’m fine.”

  Hawks looked at him with sadness and guilt in his eyes, which turned into fury and hatred when they fell on Dabi, who was now casually leaning on the bridge railing. Hawks pulled away from S/n and approached Dabi with a feather blade in hand and pointed it at his throat.

  “Why did you take him?” Hawks barked, trying to search Dabi's cold demeanor for any kind of tricks.

  “I didn’t take shit, he was the one that found me.”

  Hawks looked back at S/n, who only looked away with guilt running across his face. Hawks gave him a disappointing glare before turning back at Dabi, who was unfaced with the deadly weapon pointed at his throat.

“I know what you’re trying to do.”

  Dabi cocked his eyebrows. “Do you now?” he jeered.

  “S/n doesn’t need a screw up like you for a father nor does he need your baggage, leave him be.”

  “Playing the father role well I see,” Dabi responded ignoring Hawks’ sudden outburst.

  “I couldn’t let a child be fathered by a scoundrel like you, now could I?”

  How Dabi wanted to tear down the oversized chicken limb from limb, finally take his revenge for ruining his family, for taking you away from him. His hands were beginning to itch and beg him to give in to his little temptation. He looked past Hawks at his son, god he looked just like you , his mind replayed your voice trying to calm him down as the temptation quietly disappeared into a pile of mush.

Dabi furrowed his eyebrows, turning around from the confrontation, and stepped back.

“I don’t have time for this.” He stoically stated, trying to hold back any kind of resentment towards Hawks.

  “Running away like always?” Hawks remarked, getting no response from the grim figure who slithered away in defeat.

  After he disappeared from view, Hawks turned back to S/n, who was standing nearby, tapping his feet nervously. Hawks approached him, throwing his jacket over the boys shoulders, and growled.

“We’re going home.”

≿————-　❈　————-≾

  You were pacing around the living room, phone in hand, waiting for any news on S/n whereabouts, when suddenly the front door opened up. You rushed to the door.

  “Did you—Angel hey are you okay? You’re not hurt, right?” you blubbered, scanning his face for any cuts or bruises.

  “How’s your hand?”

  “It’s fine, mom,” he responded shamefully, looking at the ground.

  “You really scared me sweetheart… where were you?” you hugged him tightly, massaging his back, and mouthed a quiet “thank you” to the heroes patiently standing nearby.

  “I don’t want to talk about it… can I go now? I’m really tired,” he mumbled, pushing you away.

  “I…”

  “Good night.” Your son said as he walked off to his room, quietly closing the door behind him.

You looked back at Endeavor and Hawks, who moved over to the couch.

  “What happened? Where did you find him?”

  “He was with Dabi.”

  “Dabi… what? Why? Did he kidnap him?”

  “No, it seems the kid found him first.” Endeavor tried calming you down.

  “Why would he-”

  “We’re not sure...but right now we should all go rest it’s been a tough night.” Endeavor stated.

  Hawks stood up and got ready to head to S/n room to give him the speech he thought of in the car before Endeavor stopped him.

“I’ll talk to him, you go rest.” He looked back at you, nodding to Hawks, who hesitantly took a seat next to you, wrapping one of his wings around you, slowly massaging your back.

≿————-　❈　————-≾

  Endeavor approached the door and knocked a few times, not hearing a response he pressed on the handle and the unlocked door opened with ease.

He stepped inside closing the door behind him, spotting your son, laying in his bed with his back turned, as he was slightly shaking behind the covers, clearly trying to calm himself down.

Endeavor sighted, not bothering to turn on the light, and sat beside him. He sat there for a while, his mind racing with all the things he wanted to say, or should’ve said, yet nothing came up.

  “You won’t be going to U.A.” he finally stated.

  Your son froze, and quickly sat back up, now facing Endeavor. “You can’t do that.”

  “I already called the school.”

  Your son ran his hand through his hair trying to come up with a valid argument.

“I also think that you should stay homeschooled for a while, seeing as there is a high chance of probability that the league knows you exist.”

“I know you worked hard, but your safety is far more important,” he added tapping S/n gently on the shoulder.

  Your son was too tired to answer but gave Endeavor a little nod.

  “Good, now get some sleep.” Endeavor said as he stood up from the bedside. He walked over to the door and looked back with a serious gaze.

“Don’t run away again, am I understood?”

  “Yes sir” your son responded letting his head fall onto the comfortable pillow.

  “Good.” Endeavor muttered closing the door behind him.

≿————-　❈　————-≾

It’s been almost a week and your patience was starting to run out, six days with only blunt responses from your son, him denying to eat your food or even come out of his room, and tonight you decided enough is enough and walked over to your son’s room with Hawks following close behind.

You turned back to him, trying to justify your sudden outburst. “I just want to see if he’s doing alright…”

  “I’ll go with you,” he reassured, giving your hand a light squeeze.

  You gave him a thankful nod before gently pressing on the handle and cracking the door open. Your son was sitting on his bed, with his earphones on, listening to something, paying no mind to your sudden entrance. His cheerful demeanor now became grim, dark circles under his eyes were too big for comfort, his bandage hand now bare.

Hawks hand fell on your shoulder as he gave you an encouraging glance. You took a deep breath in, before approaching his bedside and sitting next to him. Your son immediately looked up to you and Hawks who was leaning against a nearby wall, looking at him with his soft eyes. S/n took off his headphones and mumbled. “Please leave, I really don’t want to talk to any of you.”

“It’s been a week, kid, you can’t just keep ignoring us like this.” Hawks lilted.

  “Honey…” you tried reaching for his hand but he pulled away instantly. “I know--it's hard and I shouldn’t have kept something like that from you… and I’m deeply sorry.”

  “Good to know, the doors right there you can leave now.” your son jeered.

  “Can you at least come out of your room and eat something? I don’t like when you hurt yourself like this,” you said, once again reaching out to him.

  “Don’t touch me,” he said, pulling away. “You kept it from D/n as well didn’t you?”

  “D/n… her situation is different from yours…”

  “How?” he asked, not sparing you a glance.

  “She knew who he was… but after your d—Dabi left she couldn’t handle it, so her brain locked him out of her memory,” you explained in a simple manner.

  “And you let her leave just like that... “ your son scoffed as he got off from the bed. “Were you going to do the same with me?”

  “We-”

  “You know what, don’t answer that… I don’t think it’s good for me to hang around you two right now.”

  Your son walked towards the door but Hawks moved, blocking it. “You need to calm down, kid.”

  “Get out of my way Hawks.” your son warned, his sleep deprived, and angered mind getting the best of him.

  “You need to stop throwing tantrums and listen-”

  Hawks was interrupted by a loud explosion, he felt like he was falling before he hit something hard, his ears began to ring, he felt limb trying to gasp for air and he desperately fought to keep his eyes open as he felt warm like wood liquid falling down his face. He could see you desperately run to him, tripping over the fallen door, your soft touch masking the terrible pain he felt, he slowly reached for your cheek, accidentally smearing it with his blood, trying to wipe away your tears that wouldn’t stop coming.

He slowly shifted trying to spot the boy he carefully tried to father throughout his life, only to see him, standing there in the smoke of a now destroyed corridor, dark smoke surrounding him, as his sight got worse he could swear the little boy turn into a monstrous shadowy figure, who was now darting away. Hawks tried reaching out to him but he seemed to be getting further and further away by the second, he mumbled something under his breath as he let his body and mind succumb to the dark slumber he so craved.

[huhnerhexen]

all for the other ask set!

I just took my painkillers, so I'm really high and I'm sorry if this makes no sense, I'm trying my best...

1. Are looks important in a relationship?

- yes, but they're not the most important thing. I can look past appearance, but if you're ugly on the inside it'll never work

2. Are relationships ever worth it?

- theyre worth it every time! Even if they fail, you learn a lot about yourself and they change you for the better

3. Are you a virgin?

- no

4. Are you in a relationship?

- no, my partner of about three years and I broke up a month ago

5. Are you in love?

- I'm in love with myself, which is more than I can say when I was in that relationship

6. Are you single this year?

- yes

7. Can you commit to one person?

- yes; I'm like a penguin... I mate for life

8. Describe your crush

- that's easy, I don't have one

9. Describe your perfect mate

- soft and sweet, generous, respectful of my boundaries, openly communicative, like my grandpa!

10. Do you believe in love at first sight?

- no

11. Do you ever want to get married?

- yes

12. Do you forgive betrayal?

- in time and with an apology, of course

13. Do you get jealous easily?

- I used to, but I've done a lot of work since then and I don't anymore

14. Do you have a crush on anyone?

- other than myself? no

15. Do you have any piercings?

- I have a nose ring, my septum pierced, 3 earrings in my right ear, and two in my left

16. Do you have any tattoos?

- 11; a bumble bee, a cat drinking wine, my rat's footprint, my grandma's signature, a sloth, the pisces constellation, the aurora borealis constellation, squirrel nutkin, my grandpa's signature, Snufkin and Moomin, and a lavender sprig

17. Do you like kissing in public?

- a quick peck doesn't bother me, but keep your tongue in your own mouth

There is no 18 or 19 in this series of questions??

20. Do you shower everyday?

- I've been bathing more than showering lately, but I do wash everyday

21. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

- I don't, but that's none of my business anyways

22. Do you think someone is thinking of you right now?

- no, I don't think so

23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

- obviously, I did that for 3 years. I don't cheat, it's wrong and it fucks people up

24. Do you think you'll be married in five years?

- maybe? I haven't given it much thought tbh

25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year?

- no

26. Has anyone told you they don't want to ever lose you?

- yes, and then they did

27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you?

- no

28. Have you ever been cheated on?

- not that I am aware of

29. Have you ever cheated on someone?

- no, I would never

30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body?

- I've had plastic surgery twice; once in the ninth grade to fix me jaw, and two days ago I had top surgery

31. Have you ever cried over a guy or girl?

- yes, and what a waste of time that was

32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love?

- no

33. Have you ever had sex with a man?

- yes

34. Have you ever had sex with a woman?

- no

35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

-yes

36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends?

- yes

37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

- yes

38. Have you ever liked someone you didn't expect to?

- yes

39. Have you ever waved someone you couldn't have?

- yes

40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone?

- yes

41. Have you had sex so far this year?

- yes

42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?

- depends on the person, but awhile, I really like kissing

43. How long was your longest relationship?

- almost 3 years

44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?

- I've had 6 partners

45. How many people did you kiss in 2012/2013?

- I can say with 100% certainty that I have no idea; I can't even remember what I had for breakfast this morning

46. How many times did you have sex last year?

- I don't know, sex isn't something I count

47. How old are you?

- 21

48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

- I'd ask them why, people love to talk about their crushes, I'd also encourage them to go after it. Just because I like someone doesn't make them mine

49. If you have a partner, what is your favourite thing about them?

- I don't have a partner

50. If your first true love knocked on your door with am apology and presents, would you accept?

- no, not yet. I'm not at a place to forgive Kai yet. I'm still working through and breaking down what they did to me

51. Is there someone you would do absolutely anything for?

- yea, my grandma

52. Is there anyone you've given up on? Why?

- I gave up on my dad's dad, Lane; he's just a genuinely awful guy and every time I've tried to extend an olive branch it's come back to bite me in the ass. He can be angry and miserable alone, I don't have room for that shit in my life.

53. Is there someone mad because you're seeing/talking to the person that you are?

- no, the people in my life are incredibly supportive of me in all my endeavors and decisions

54. Is there something you will never forget?

- what a classmate and friend wrote to my mom once when she was compiling a big note full of all the reasons people care about me. "There's nothing they could ever do that would be bad". Those words have been etched onto my heart for 6 years

55. Share a relationship story

- I'll tell you about my grandparents, and how they were made for each other. My grandpa worked for CBC and so did my grandma, but they worked in separate buildings, and one night my grandma's friend says "Elaine, come out for drinks with me and some of the guys" and my grandma really doesn't want to, but she's a polite lady so she does anyways. She winds up sitting next to my grandpa, and they don't say much to each other but his friends keep bugging him and making jokes about how he needs to "get home to his wife" (he isn't married, but he fancies my grandma and his friends are just trying to make him work harder for her). They wind up leaving at the same time, and they walk home together because they lived a couple buildings away from one another. My grandpa assures my grandma that he isn't married, he tells her he's going home to Red Jacket, Saskatchewan for Christmas, but could he give her a call when he comes home? She says yes; and a year later they were married. They've been madly in love with each other ever since.

56. State 8 facts about your body.

- I have 8 less teeth than the average adult; my eyes are two different shapes; when I learned to walk it was with a slight limp so now I always have one; when my body is really low on estrogen I get incredibly clumsy; I have 2 holes in my jaw from where a surgical plate was removed; I'm deathly allergic to peanuts; my limbs are so long, my fingertips almost reach down to my knees; I have a small groove in my head from wearing headgear when I was a child.

57. Things you want to say to an ex

- you always went on and on about how I deserved better, and you're wrong. It's not that I deserved better, you just didn't deserve me.

I have so much pity for you, because you have to live the rest of your life knowing what Ostin did to your mom, you did much the same to me. You acted the same as the man who makes you so sick. You're disgusting for what you did, and I hope you regret it everyday of your life.

58. What are 5 ways to win your heart?

- listen openly to me, tell me things that happened to you during your day, sending me songs or poems or little trinkets that remind you of me, laugh at my jokes, vocalize your feelings about me

59. What do you look like?

This is me and my roommate's cat, Anaan!

60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners?

- two years, he was 15 I was 17 and as soon as I learned how smol he was I couldn't get past it...

61. What's the first thing you notice in someone?

- their mouth, I lip-read so someone's lips and teeth is the first thing my eyes go to

62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do to/for you?

- oh gee I don't even know? Maybe take off my clothes for me, but like really slowly?

63. What is your definition of "having sex"?

- anything that gets the job done, y'know? wets the whistle

64. What is your definition of cheating?

- being physically intimate with a party outside of the pre-established exclusive relationship

65. What is your favourite foreplay routine?

- tease me until I want to kill you, and then fuck me until I can't remember my own name

66. What is your favourite roleplay?

- I don't have one. I did improv in highschool and doing any sort of "acting on the spot" makes me astral project back to that cringey time

67. What is your idea of a perfect date?

- one where it doesn't matter what you're doing, you never want it to end because you can never have enough time with the person you're with

68. What is your sexual orientation?

- queer!

69. What turns you off?

- people who are mean to animals

70. What turns you on?

- climate justice

71. What was your kinkiest wet dream?

- that will stay between me and the lord, thanks

72. What words do you like to hear during sex?

- none, if you can form words or sentences, one of us isn't doing our job right

73. What's something sweet you'd like someone to do for you?

- bring me flowers! No one has ever brought me flowers before

74. What's the most superficial characteristic you look for?

- probably wardrobe

75. What's the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for you?

- my sister moved in with me to take care of me while I recover from my mastectomy. I didn't even have to ask, she offered to do it

76. What's the sweetest thing you've done for someone?

My roommate and I had mice and squirrels living in the basement of our old house, and they ate and destroyed all of her old baby books and photo albums; so this year for Christmas I took all the pictures I had of us, and a bunch of pictures she had posted on her social media, and I made her a new photo book to preserve the memories she made these last few years.

77. What's your opinion on age differences in relationships?

- the older you get, the less age difference really matters, my roommate is 41 and her partner is turning 61 this year. I think so long as both parties are of legal age and consenting, do what you want. That being said, it gets iffy if the older party knew the younger person when they were a child; ie. Leonardo DiCaprio and his most recent girlfriend.

78. What's your dirtiest secret?

- I don't have one? I'm literally an open book... You can ask me anything

79. When was the last time you felt jealous?

- when an 8 year old girl came into the shop and told me her grandpa was taking her shopping for her birthday.

80. When was the last time you told someone that you loved them?

- on Wednesday, when I was saying goodbye to my grandma at the hospital (that sounds like a downer, she's fine, she had a knee operation and I went to visit her after work)

81. Who are five people you find attractive?

- LP, Ezra Miller, Joji, my ex boyfriend (they're mad cute, but they're ugly on the inside), Chris Fleming

82. Who is the last person you hugged?

- my mom, after she drove me home from the hospital and helped me get inside

83. Who was your first kiss with?

- a boy named Rhys, in the ninth grade. We were each other's beards before we even knew it

84. Why did your last relationship fail?

- a lot of different reasons; we kept fighting, they had no time for me, they wouldn't communicate with me, I had trouble trusting them, they sexually assaulted me and were hella manipulative, they forgot I existed a lot, there were a lot of red flags that we ignored until it blew up in our faces.

85. Would you ever date someone off of the internet?

- sure, I don't see why not!

Thanks for asking! Sorry it took so long to answer, I had to stop and nap a few times in between questions...

[othernecessarythings]

back on my bullshit again

and once more!! if you happen to stumble across these posts of mine, please just ignore them.. they’re a way for me to reflect on my life (and improve my english), and while i can’t stop you from reading them, can i say that you probably wouldn’t benefit much from it lol. anyways let’s go

1) Put your iTunes on shuffle. Give me the first 6 songs that pop up.

my lots of songs list: the love club-lorde, river en vacker dröm-håkan hellström, living dead-marina, why we ever-hayley williams, snälla bli min-veronica maggio, take this lonely heart-nothing but thieves

2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

oof um the person who will be the love of my life? no lol but like zendaya would be pretty cool ig

3) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

“... and the top was red-and-white striped, and it all zipped up in the front.”

4) What do you think about most?

hmm my friends maybe?

5) Ever had a poem or song written about you?

not that i know of

6) Do you have any strange phobias?

nah i feel some trypophobia (?spelling) sometimes but that’s it

7) What’s your religion?

i’m kinda christian, but like i choose which parts to believe in and not, like i believe in the message of doing good and love, but not like homophobia or an actual god lol

8) If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

sitting in the sun, listening to music

9) Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

ah probably paramore, yeah it must be them

10) What was the last lie you told?

eh kinda basic but “i’m fine” i guess

11) Do you believe in karma?

ooh that’s a questioning worth discussing, no i don’t believe in the actual the-universe-is-constantly-judging-our-actions, but like that people who do good tend to get good things back? yeah that makes sense

12) What does your URL mean?

my main (neon-places) is from perfect places by lorde, and just neon bc it sounds cool

13) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

oh god if i only knew,,, i really need to improve my empathy, but my systematical skills are quite good

14) Who is your celebrity crush?

hayley williams

15) How do you vent your anger?

i don’t get mad😌😌 no but like when i get irritated do i just close my door to my room and like listen to music in headphones and solve a puzzle or something lol

16) Do you have a collection of anything?

i kinda collect things that mark an important/memorable event in my life, like my first pride bracelet, my favorite jeans from when i was like 15, lots of birthday cards,, yeah it���s not so unique, but they’re important to me

17) Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

yes!!!! me a few years ago would’ve never thought that i’d be like this now, but i’m proud of myself and what i’ve become!!

18) What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

fun fact i HATE sleeping to the sound of rain. it makes me really anxious,, i love the sound of waves though, or my little sisters pure laugh :,)

19) What’s your biggest “what if”?

what if i’m just faking everything, what if this is not actually me but something i put up to please others around me

20) Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

not ghosts really, but there must be some sort of life in the whole fucking space,, while maybe not what we traditionally would categorize as “life”, must it exist something, somewhere

21) Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

i’m in my bed so like. my nightstand to the right, my wall to the left

22) Smell the air. What do you smell?

absolutely nothing, i’m so used to the smell of my house

23) What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

oo idk??? i’m usually quite content with wherever we’re going, although fotografiska in stockholm was shitty though

24) Most attractive singer/s of your opposite gender?

oh um like tyler joseph maybe? gerard way, frank iero? yeah i’m an emo slut

25) To you, what is the meaning of life?

no don’t go there,, thereisnomeaningoflifesoitsallaboutmakingasmuchaspossibleandliveashappilyaspossiblyuntilourfleetingexistenceonthisearthisover

26) Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

.. yeah you could say that i drove, i have a driving license after all, and i’ve never crashed but i’ve been stopped by police a few times lol

27) What was the last movie you saw?

no idea, i never watch movies... or wait!! we had legally blonde on at my friends house a few days ago when we got home from a party, i didn’t exactly watch it but it was playing

28) What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

i’ve had some bad allergic reactions in form of severe eczema

29) Do you have any obsessions right now?

‘the devil and god are raging inside me’ by brand new, doing my makeup a special way

30) Ever had a rumor spread about you?

yeah, that i’m gay and together with my earlier best friend (we were not)

31) Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

not really,, i’m really fucking scared of conflicts so i simply forgive and move on, it’s easier that way

32) What is your astrological sign?

pisces baby

33) What’s the last thing you purchased?

a blue skirt second hand!! v cute

34) Love or lust?

um idk i’ve never really experienced any of them, but maybe love

35) In a relationship?

nope

36) How many relationships have you had?

a whopping amount of zero

37) What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

I DONT KNOW someone tell me please how to get someone to like me,, but like more friendship-like is it usually to always choose my words very carefully to not upset anyone, it usually gets me quite far

38) Where is your best friend?

where? i hope she’s home? well like we took the bus home together a few hours ago, so i guess she’s home

39) What were you doing last night at 12 AM?

aha ha funny,, i was having a small mental crisis so i sat and did math (by free will, school has ended for summer) while listening to melodrama.. yes

40) Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

i don’t know, this is so hard.. but like. no? or it wouldn’t really work to have someone like me as a close friend, i’m to introvert, i tend to surround myself with extroverts who bring me with them to do stuff

41) You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

oh um i call 112 (the swedish 911) and make sure someone else notice the dog too and help it while i hurry to my job

42) You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

a) yes, i think so. only my closest though, to give them a chance to say goodbye properly, but i wouldn’t really like other just acquaintances to reach out just bc of the circumstances

b) i try to travel as much as possible, party all i can, tell everyone i love how much they mean to me and just. live

c) of course, i would be scared to death (see what i did there) but i wouldn’t have any other choice but to fully live my last month

43) What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

hard times by paramore!! it always makes me want to dance

44) In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

no

45) How can I win your heart?

show any whatsoever interest in me lol

46) Can insanity bring on more creativity?

i guess,, i’m like the opposite of insanity though, i’m constantly numb and completely lacking any creativity, so it may work the other way too

47) What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

hmm maybe my school application? i’m so fucking happy with my choice

48) What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

hmm nothing too special i guess, just the usual loved and missed and so

49) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word “heart.”

like the anatomy and stuff,,, i really like biology, more than romances lol

50) Basic question; what’s your favorite color/colors?

usually different shades of blue, but right now all pastel colors, especially purple

51) What is your current desktop picture?

my locked screen is two of my best friends, and my home screen is paramore ofc

52) If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

trump would be pretty nice

53) What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

oh um like “name a few things you don’t like about me” or something, bc as i said, i hate conflicts

54) You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

the ability to change the probability!!! it’s the ultimate superpower!!!

55) You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

my tøp concert maybe? i was really euphoric then, and i haven’t really felt like that since, but i’m afraid i’ll destroy that memory if i could go back so idk

56) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

i’ve had quite a happy life yet, there’s no big thing i’d like to erase,, no i feel like every experience in my life has leaded me to where i am today, so i wouldn’t like to erase anything

57) You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

hmm idk maybe alex turner. idk i feel like it would be pretty nice

58) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

italy maybe? my friends and i planned to go there this summer before the corona hit, so i’d like to go there lol

59) Ever been on a plane?

yeah several times

60) Give me your top 5 hottest celebrities.

idk idk i’m not really.. attracted to anyone rn? it’s kinda weird but there’s no one where i’m like wow this person is HOT,, nah i don’t really feel anything like that at the moment

[nicolesqueloquence]

Recommended auditory pleasure: 

As I lay on my back watching a random Youtube video on the refugee situation and a proposed solution, it suddenly hit me how much grounding I’m in need of. The sun, perpetually streaming through my bedroom window onto my catatonic body covered in the usual loose shirt and boxer shorts, is not enough to quell the thirst of my soul as a desire for the unknown, the stimulating possesses me to look up when the next Oneness meditation session will be held at the center down the street.

Not this week, but next. Not soon enough. But where could I go? I look at my face, still pale despite countless attempts at tanning in the 108-degree sun and barren from any make-up, and cringe at the thought of leaving my room. ‘As I get older…’ a thought begins and is interrupted by another, ‘Am I really getting older? I’m 25..’

The newfound relief at realizing how young that is going to sound later on in life, as many of my older counterparts at work have remarked to me upon learning my age, sets in and I am happy to be this young but I am just so restless. Almost as if I’m not enjoying it, I’m simply not active anymore. I want to get out there, see things, and taste things that my tongue has yet to be blessed with besides the cursed vitriol of strong liquor, medication, and Fiber with B-Vitamin gummies that I’ve elected to aid me in the process of reaching my annual goal weight that seems to be much of an afterthought when I crave chocolate and post-indulgent guilt.

It’s all a toxic process of seeking more from the mundane while simultaneously fearing mediocrity with a passion that rivals that of my hatred of standing still. On paper, my life doesn’t look too basic: school, work, gym schedule, some books here and there to escape the black and white frame of my daily life through the fictional mind of another’s. But it doesn’t feel like enough. It never feels like enough.

Next to my fear of mediocrity is my phobia of complacency. That I will continue to feel the restless ache to constantly have something new and exciting happen to me in addition to every other endeavor I am on, and I will continue to wake up every year in the same bitter discontent. That I will get married and never fall in love. That I will have kids and it won’t satisfy this maternal urge to actualize my dreamed up image of Lili that I’ve had since I was 14.

The idealist in me still daydreams, still desires for more.. But when will it be enough? Will I ever find it?

Hurry up and wait, adulthood says. Wait to text him back. Wait for the next outing. Wait for next week to step on the scale to avoid any further disappointment. Wait for next semester to get further into my program. Wait for next year to feel more successful, more stable. Wait for my friends to have time for me and vice versa. Wait, wait, wait.

I’m terrible at waiting. If patience is a virtue, then I am simply immoral at best then.

I’ve always felt, even as a child, that I had this innate ability to perceive and even “feel” the atmosphere of other worlds. This strange feeling was further fulfilled by reading and diving through the portals of literature to explore these other worlds, see the novel happening in my mind’s eye as if it were a movie, and literally place myself so deeply into what was occurring that almost every single last past of every book I’ve read has been met with tears.

But here, in this life, I feel like I am in a bubble. I want to stretch out, abandon the protection of my mundane existence, and see what is truly out there for me. I want –

I want to see what’s out there for me. You’ve always gotten to date other people, and I haven’t.

Like a bullet, those words graze through my mind all over again. This was almost exactly three years ago.

And just like that my bubble becomes a prison. I’m a huge proponent of people fixing themselves if that is what they want, but they have to want that or it just won’t happen. But I’m also a huge hypocrite, because I have yet to do this for myself and reach out from this emotional jail cell that he kept me in for so long.

There’s more out there but I can’t keep saying that and not venturing out to find it. Of course there are obstacles like money, time, transportation- But if I hurry up and wait some more, I’ll have enough to finally go out and see some shit.

Because my life isn’t permanent. My time here is limited. I never once imagined when I was younger that I would make it to 26. I really didn’t want to, honestly. To me, it would have been blissful and better to die young. Even my own father voiced these words to me when I brought up all of the physical ailments I witness every single day by those who are either elderly or approaching old age.

The thing is, we take all of it for granted. The ability to walk, to talk, to sleep, to wake up and feel awake and alive for the most part. The ability to go to the bathroom without assistance, take a shower without someone to help, just basic functioning that we could never even imagine would be taken away from us by time.

And all at once, I felt ashamed of the years I tried to take all of this away from myself. But at the same time I felt an ambivalent gratitude because after all the damage I caused, none of it had lasting consequences, hence it took so long for me to learn to actually take care of myself and my body rather than constantly attempt to destroy it.

So many of us look in the mirror and think what we see isn’t good enough. And me, as I type a blogpost about complacency and the desire for moremoremore, I look around me and ask if this is really my life. Shouldn’t there be something more glamourous or exciting or spiritual for me? Aren’t there so many other places with that sleepy community feeling where chasing the US dollar and the American dream are not a 24/7 operation? There has to be people out there who ARE complacent, but they are comfortable and they are content living in a rural area with nothing more than an old radio and some dogs.

I don’t necessarily want the finer things in life, just because those places for me are something I want to taste. I want the diversity and the difference from this fish bowl of limited culture I’ve grown up in.

I can feel it from music. Especially the song I’ve linked for this post. I used to feel it the most in middle school and high school. This nostalgic, fuzzy feeling that there were so many more places linked to the one I was in. It’s transcendental really, and nothing that any amount of words would be adequate enough to describe.

So instead of keeping myself caged in this daily battle with anxiety over what may be happening or not in the confines of my PTSD-like mentality, it’s time to branch out. I’m going to try to make it a goal to see more things, go more places, and try something new for once. If my old lady preference of keeping everything the same can handle it, that is.

I wrote a poem yesterday to go with a selfie of mine in lieu of good lyrics because I am currently out of those:

She keeps her secrets close

Like the hidden thorns of a rose

The dark will always haunt her

But light will always find her

~Nicolesque, 6/24/2017

It’s honestly not my best, but it will do. And it is true, after all of the dark pathways in life I have taken, God had somehow always led me to the light that I could never foresee.

Trust is also not an easy thing for me to do.. But in His case, I think it’s essential. At this point in my life, if nothing else, the fact that I’m alive is more than enough evidence that His intervention has been more than enough. This is enough, I just have to know that and not question it so much while also making moves to explore other things around me.

Because nothing really is and everything really isn’t. Jhene Aiko lyrics that I live by.

There was a blog I was obsessed with in middle school, written by a young woman in Singapore called “infrarouge” and something like 1..2..3.. breathe. Or something like that. But the enormous amount of nostalgia I felt from reading her excerpts of traveling, drinking tea at 6 in the morning, and all of these things that seem super hipster now gave me this sense that I was traveling through her and into the experiences of another person.

That blog is now long gone but I saved most of the drawings she made and had uploaded. There are definitely not in good resolution as I believe I downloaded them from my Myspace but they inspired me to emulate it with my own style of SharpieArt.

I’m honestly unsure if these were the blogger’s drawings, but I’d like to think they were because I still have remnants of a world long forgotten in the vast dimensions of webpages that have vanished without explanation. I feel like so much of the world I had built for myself at that age is now missing in the pandemonium of speed of advancement surrounding the Internet and I’m grateful for absolutely everything I’ve digitally hoarded from then.

The only thing missing are my blogs from Freshman and Sophomore year of HS but part of me thinks it’s probably best that I didn’t save those because of the frazzled nature of my self-destructive spontaneity. Despite my blinding light of free spirited nature that lured so many innocent people into my web of catastrophe, I feel like my intentions back then were so pain-driven that they were practically nefarious at best.

This is different though. I’m a lot older now, I’m a lot more grounded in terms of sobriety and well-matured decisions, but I feel like I need even more. Something to bring me back to the ground from the irrational heights of my conditioned fear responses to imagined abandonment and anger towards me.

I know it will take time. I know it will take waiting, as much as I hate it. I want to be okay now. I always have been, for all of my life. I just wanted to be healed and after years of both studying and abusing medicine, there is just no quick fix to feeling this way. No amount of relationships or promises of young love will close the void either. It will take me and me alone to do so. And I like to think that is exactly what I am doing, even if it doesn’t feel like enough to keep me centered and focused sometimes.

My restless nature has always been prevalent, especially in my younger years when multiple teachers hypothesized and even attempted to diagnose me with ADHD. This was definitely not the case per my very skilled and competent pediatrician. “She is just bored,” he told my mother. “She is too intelligent to have nothing to do.”

Intelligence, creativity and bipolar disorder may share underlying genetics ~ The Guardian

This is also my mother’s consensus. When I asked her, as well as my father, if she thought a diagnosis of Bipolar II would fit most of my life’s treacherous and unstable periods, she replied no. She thinks I’m simply too smart to have idle hands, and couple that with what I’ve been through, they certainly make for a bad combination.

There is also cyclothymia, which is kind of a watered down Bipolar II with the same cycling between depression and euphoria. I’d be more akin to that simply because I’m a lot more functioning these days than ever before. But even now as I type this, the tears have already started and I couldn’t even tell you why. My appetite has suffered a bit, hardly existing except for when I wake up and when I take my medication.

She just wants to feel something, and I don’t think that’s asking for too much

~ The 1975 lyrics, “She Lays Down”

Because of my newfound professional aspirations and my educational path being much more clarified, I simply don’t have the urge to drown myself destructively right now. I’m able to have a good number of hard ciders and hard alka seltzers that just sit there and collect refrigerator dust unless I have one or two before losing interest in drinking alone in my bedroom. I consider it a social thing, especially when my social anxiety becomes an obstacle that I attempt to climb with excessive drinking. I haven’t done that in a while but in the last couple outings, I did really good in my opinion. It’s always good when it doesn’t result in some unwanted, negative encounter that I wake up regretting the next day.

So I would conclude things are simple. Things are stable. I just want a little more excitement, a little more exploring. And I fully intend on doing so, because my anxiety loves me too much when I’m laying around with nothing to do but suffer a panic attack or crying spell. The latter occurring in this present moment.

But everything is okay. I am okay. And I choose to stay.

When the soul thirsts for more, let yourself soar. Recommended auditory pleasure:  As I lay on my back watching a random Youtube video on the refugee situation and a proposed solution, it suddenly hit me how much grounding I'm in need of.

[casperxwrites]

146: (least) favorite

V.B. She has honey colored hair that she normally has down but trust that the moments when she’s got it up in one of those messy buns on the days when her busy schedule has caught up to her and she can’t bear the thought of putting on her face - she’s just as gorgeous. To call her eyes oceanic would be an insult. They’re way more, and I lack to vocabulary to accurately explain the way they pull you in. All I can say is there are other worlds inside them. You’ll want to go there. You’d buy a first class ticket just to be able to. Despite how bright her smile might trick you, there’s a sadness in them though. Like you can tell she’s been hurt before. When you finally realize this, that someone would dare to break a heart like hers, you’d probably get angry. Until you realize that perhaps the person who hurts her is sometimes herself. The only thing that seems to ease that sadness is when she talks of her son. Every bit of pain she’s endured seems to dissipate and it’s easy to tell she’s a woman trying very hard to be the person her son thinks she is. Not out of wanting to keep up appearances but because he motivates her to better. Often she will describe herself as being simple, however I beg to differ. Magic isn’t simple and believe me, she is. 

Hiding behind her softness is a tongue full of sass but in the sweetest delivery possible. As soon as you think you’re able to navigate her, you learn she’s a mystery and you’re left guessing where she’s headed. I find this to be her most endearing trait probably. Believe me, you can’t figure her out. What’s more astonishing though, you won’t want to. You’ll want to keep trying for the rest of time just for the fact that it means you get to be close to her.  She clicks her tongue when she’s deep in thought and you wait for her to pull her thoughts together. She doesn’t talk just to talk; you have to know if she’s telling you something, it’s important. She says things so casually sometimes, she probably doesn’t even realize the way it causes a butterfly riot to start in your stomach. There’s no need for filling the empty spaces when she’s around. Silence feels comfortable. Natural. Her energy is enough for you. Most of the time, I feel exhausted sharing my own with other people but not her. God, no, not her. 

Every cheesy romance song is suddenly about her. All the poems I used to roll my eyes at were written with her in mind. She does have one flaw though, even though I swore to forget it: she doesn’t like coffee! I know, I know. She’s truly awful. But despite her hating my favorite beverage, she isn’t like anything I’ve known before. I’m hopelessly tethered to her and she doesn’t know it.

A.M. I’d never had anyone I considered my best friend. Not really. At least, not like I do Rory. I don’t even know when it happened exactly. I had sworn off friendship like it were some sort of disease. But she just wouldn’t take no for an answer. Instead, she was patient and would just leave me these little texts when she hadn’t heard from me in awhile making sure I knew she was thinking of me. There’s no one else who makes me ugly laugh as hard as she does. Literally, she makes me snort and I hate it. I never have to worry about embarrassing myself around her because even though she might tease you, you know she means it with the best intentions. The amount of synchronicities between us at this point is almost annoying. Like she’s super glued herself to my brain. How does she do this you might ask? She pays the utmost attention to the people she loves. The smallest shift in tone, the tiniest inclining you’ve had a bad day, and she notices. She’ll be right there to take care of you. But you need to know, she needs to be cared for too. It’s almost irritating she’s always geared up, ready to make excuses for the people who’ve hurt her. It sometimes makes me wanna hit her and there have been times I’ve debated it. Despite that though, you keep in mind it’s only because she’s the most loyal person you’ve ever met and you forgive her anyway. No one will ever love you like her. There’s absolutely no one in this world that I trust more than her. 

S.W. First of all, she’s the toughest bitch I’ve ever known. Seriously - there’s nothing she can’t handle. It’s insane the amount of shit she’s gone through. Just a few months ago, she easily would’ve been somewhere on my hate list. I detested her for speaking ill of my father. But they were things I needed to know. Part of me thinks if she hadn’t clued me in on them, I’d still be stuck in that hole. You’d never know it if you didn’t know her well but she’s the most generous person in all of Sloane possibly. The one and only thing I would change about her is the way she sees herself. You just have to keep trying though. Feed her positive affirmations and one day, hopefully, she’ll see it. Out of everyone in Sloane, she’s the one I’d fear pissing off the most. That saying ‘hell has no fury like a woman scorned’ is the best way I’d describe her. She’s one bad fucking mama jama, I’ll tell you that much. You can see this easy enough by her face. Secretly, I think she does her hair up in those funky colors and wears her scowling mask as a way to protect herself from people. If people are afraid of her, she doesn’t have to keep her heart safe as much because it weeds out the weak. 

J.S. There is a sense of innocence that Juniper’s presence brings me. When I see her, I think back to being a little boy without a care in the world. We were just two kids who didn’t have a single friend in the world. Reconnecting with Juniper had given me back a sense of self. Like I’ve rediscovered pieces of my life that I’d erased. She’s the biggest goofball to be around, but it’s not just to entertain. It’s to keep people from seeing her own pain. When you’re constantly making people laugh, they seem to forget to ask if you’re okay. She doesn’t want you to but she needs you to. There’s a lot of pain there. And secretly, I’m slightly afraid of what would happen if that door finally opened all the way. 

E.H. She can easily fit as a least favorite but secretly, I admire her. She’s lost everything and she still puts on a brave face every day for her kids. There’s a level of respect I have for her because of that, that can’t be ignored. Behind her icy exterior, Elsie cares. I think she’d rather shrivel up and die before she admitted that. Personally, I find it annoying. Partially because I wish she’d stop holding onto this bitch she’s created for the world to see. I wanna scream at her to grow up and show a shred of tenderness to those she cares for. She gave me a place to stay when I didn’t have a pot to piss in and I have to be thankful for that.   

J.R. My father taught me to honor hard work. No time for rest. Of everyone in Sloane, Julian is the person I respect the most. Hands down, there’s no contest. Hustler rose as one of the most successful businesses within the blink of an eye and you have to kind of wonder how he’s managed to do that. But my workaholic aside, Julian is someone you just can’t help wanting to unravel. There are things he keeps to himself, little secrets he keeps for only himself to know. You can see this in his physical body. His baby face doesn’t fool me though. There’s a stoneness lying underneath and I’ll never stop wanting to know what’s happened to him to put it there. 

A.H. She, quite literally, saved my life. There are times, when my mind drifts off to the place I try to hide from everyone else, I hate her for it. But then there she is to remind me that softness is a virtue. When I’m with Aisha, I find myself wishing I could be a better person. She’s got one of the biggest hearts I’ve ever known. There’s no doubting that she cares about you, even when I can’t find time in my busy life to see or talk to her. Always she’s waiting in the background to be your biggest cheerleader.  

H.H. No one likes a guy who goes after a grieving wife. Though, this isn’t exactly the reason for my dislike of him. It goes further. Xander was my best friend and Hudson destroyed my belief that maybe Xander had finally found the one. Even after Els and Xan were married, I had my doubts about them. It’s not secret I disliked Elsie for a long time, and in some ways, definitely still do. But there was something about them that made you believe maybe true love did exist. Maybe I was just living vicariously through them. Who knows. Whatever the reason though, Hudson’s oh so public relationship with Elsie makes my stomach turn when I think about it too much. 

[dirtylaundrylooksgoodonme]

Do all of the question you posted because we wanna know everything about you

Ya know what fuck it I’m bored and this might be a laugh1. Are looks to important in a relationship?- yeah to a certain extent but they’re definitely not the most important thing 2. Are relationships ever worth it?- of course!3. Are you a virgin?- lol no4. Are you in a relationship?- nope 5. Are you in love?- I think I’ll always have a really strong affection for my first love but I’m not sure if I’m still completely in love with them 6. Are you single this year?- I had an extremely brief relationship at the beginning of the year lol7. Can you commit to one person?- tbh I’ve never really given commitment a try so who knows 8. Describe your crush- he’s a right dick tbh but sometimes can be a softy 9. Describe your perfect mate- idk cause i think it’s just all about the chemistry you have with someone, there’s not a specific set of physical or personality traits that make someone the perfect person for you 10. Do you believe in love at first sight?- nope11. Do you ever want to get married?- I’m open to it but leaning towards no12. Do you forgive betrayal?- too easily13. Do you get jealous easily?- not really14. Do you have a crush on anyone?- see question 515. Do you have any piercings?- ears, smiley and nipple16. Do you have any tattoos?- mandala on my left forearm 17. Do you like kissing in public?- ehhhhhhhhhhh not really20. Do you shower every day?- only on the days I’m leaving the house lol I’m grotty srry 21. Do you think someone has feelings for you?- I have no idea 22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?- dunno fam 23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?- yeah I think if it was the right person 24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?- no fucking way 25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year?- I’m open to it 26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?- nope 27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you?- not for me but I have a sneaking suspicion there may be a song or two about me (Christ that sounds arrogant)28. Have you ever been cheated on?- probably without my knowledge my ex was a bag of shit 29. Have you ever cheated on someone?- yeah sort of but it was on my aforementioned bag of shit ex and we weren’t officially together sooooooooo allow it 30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery?- hell yeah I’ve considered pretty much every plastic surgery in the book but I think if I was gonna get anything it’d be lip fillers 31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?- of course 32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love?- YES33. Have you ever had sex with a man?-yep 34. Have you ever had sex with a woman?- nope 35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?- yep36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends?- oh yah 37. Have you every liked someone who your friends hated?- my friends hate literally everyone I’ve ever liked 😂 38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?- yah and I ended up liking them the most who knew 39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?- yeah i had a massive boner for my old maths teacher ngl 40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone?- nope41. Have you had sex so far this year?- hell yeah42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?- idk like 10 minutes? Is that normal?43. How long was your longest relationship?- my only official relationship was like a week long I have a terrible track record i feel attacked 44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?- n/a next question pls let’s move on 45. How many people did you kiss in 2011?- omg I actually know the exact answer to this cause my first proper kiss was in 2011 and that was the only kiss that year so just one 46. How many times did you have sex last year?- idk I wasn’t keeping count…should I start keeping count? I’m gonna start keeping count 47. How old are you?- 1948. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?- why the fuck are you telling me this, why is it your sole purpose in life to emotionally destroy me, you’re a psychopath 49. N/A50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?- HELL YEA I’d probably just melt 51. Is there someone who you would do absolutely everything for?- my best friend y'all 52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why?- I haven’t totally given up but I’ve become far less invested cause they’re so far into drugs and just never let me be there for them, but if they ever said they needed me I would be there for them in a heartbeat 53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?- you know what it actually seems to have pissed off quite a few people and i have no idea why, but there are a couple people that don’t know but I know that they’d be pissed off if they did know 54. Is there someone you will never forget?- of course55. Share a relationship story- one a time a guy broke up with me because he said he ‘wasn’t;t ready for a relationship’ then two months later he got a girl pregnant so….karma’s a bitch 56. State 8 facts about your body- I’m extremely unhealthy so my body is literally broken that’s it that’s all you need to know it is a broken shell that drags around my dead soul57. Things you want to say to an ex - was I ever special to you 58. What are five ways to win your heart?- spontaneously come visit me, make a big deal about me getting to know your friends, getting to know my friends, watch rlly trash tv and movies with me, don’t ever tell me what i can and can’t do 59. what do you look like?- check my face tag babes 😘 60. What is the biggest age gap between you and any of your partners?- only a couple years 61. What is the first thing you notice in someone?- probably how outgoing they are 62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?- rlly good head 63. What is your definition of 'having sex’?- when ur junk gets involved in any capacity 64. What is your definition of cheating?- I don’t think you can define it you just know it when you see it 65. What is your favourite foreplay routine?- why don’t u come over and find out 😏 66. What is your favourite role play?- have never role played 67. What is your idea of the perfect date?- Netflix and chill tbh 68. What is your sexual orientation?- bi but preference to guys 69. What turns you off?- the patriarchy 70. What turns you on?- 'I’m vegan’71. What was your kinkiest wet dream?- idk too many 72. What words do you like to hear during sex?- NONE. PLS DO NOT SPEAK. OUR YORKSHIRE ACCENTS WERE NOT MADE FOR SEX OK 73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?- buy me nice underwear 74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?- sense of style 75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?- sacked off work to come cheer me up that was cute 76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?- n/a i don’t do sweet 77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?- hey if it ain’t illegal then it’s none of my business you do you78. What’s your dirtiest secret?- i lost my virginity in a field but tbh that’s barely a secret anymore79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why?- the guy I’m seeing gives my pets more attention than he gives me 80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?- errrr either the last time I saw my best friend or the last time i spoke to my dad 81. Who are five people you find attractive?- i find everyone attractive ngl 82. Who is the last person you hugged?- ahhhh it was actually this guy I’d met once before and I saw him out on Saturday night and i was fucked so decided that cause we’d met once we were best friends so went up and gave him a big hug lol big up Luke 83. Who was your first kiss with?- this guy who was in my class at school and I had the BIGGEST crush on him and omg felt so lucky when he kissed me but now he’s just a massive chav and probably has multiple children to several women so good job Eden you really know how to pick em 84. Why did your last relationship fail?- cause I don’t think we really even liked each other, we had nothing in common and it was the most half arsed thing from beginning to end 85. Would you ever date someone off of the internet?- yeah as long as I could meet up with them irl

[remember-my-name-16]

This particular month’s version of the mostly samey questions I like to re-answer every now and then because perspectives change or whatever.

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most? Sad Dream - Sky Ferreira Right Where It Belongs - NiN We Should Be Together - Pia Mia Keep Running - Tei Shi Where Is My Mind - Pixies Realiti - Grimes

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? Someone willing to give a stranger in need lots of money.

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17. I’m too depressed to move, that’s why I’m even doing this question thing again. All my books are on my bathroom shelf. Fuck.

4: What do you think about most? The unceasing dissatisfaction I have myself, I don’t know. With happy thoughts though: it’d have to be Joe. If he wasn’t here I wouldn’t be either.

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say? “Upstairs toilets Hun xx”

6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on? Depends how warm it is and what company I have.

7: What’s your strangest talent? Honestly couldn’t tell you. I’m pretty strange but not talented.

8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence) Girls love their daddies; Boys have healthy relationships with their parents

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you? No, but for my birthday this year a girl I was seeing gave me a framed poem by E.E. Cummings

It was adorable. She was adorable. Fuck.

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar? Yesterday, it was a nice day. A good send off.

11: Do you have any strange phobias? Commitment

12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose? Not to my knowledge. But that could just be the brown crayola sticking in my frontal lobe talking.

13: What’s your religion? Orthodoxy for those sweet stability events, local unrest and missionairy strength bonuses yea my EU4 bois know what I’m talkin’ about.

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing? Sitting down and taking in whatever scenery there is, enjoying a warm or cold breeze and breathing relatively fresh air. Bonus points if I have a glass of old mout on the rocks.

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? Depends how vain I’m feeling at the time.

16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band? The Birthday Massacre, I don’t listen to them all that much but fuck me I love their aesthetic and atmosphere SO FUCKING MUCH.

17: What was the last lie you told? “I’ll pay you back with two drinks hun xx”

18: Do you believe in karma? I believe that shit people will be seen for what they are because eventually everyone’s actions catch up with them.

19: What does your URL mean? It’s a reference to Breaking Bad, one of my favourite TV shows, and used that play on that theme of the show to reference my will to be well, remembered.

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

Most likely the same thing: I think too much.

21: Who is your celebrity crush?

Maisie Williams, this world doesn’t deserve such a cutie

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

Nah

23: How do you vent your anger?

idk I go out and drink with ppl or something

or I don’t vent at all and bottle it up and break down after a year or something

24: Do you have a collection of anything?

I have kept some stuff that has emotional significance to me. Mostly from ended friendships and relationships. Things they gave me, or things I owned at the time and reminds me of the way I felt at the time, and how they felt about me. It’s a sobering thing to keep around.

I recently had a pretty bad few days because I lost something like that, I lost a necklace that a girl I was seeing this year left at my place so she had an excuse to come back to my place the next time she was around, when I ended things because I wasn’t ready to commit to a relationship with her, I knew she would get more attached, and she was too sweet for me to hurt. Although I probably did anyway, I kept the necklace and wore it almost all the time to remind myself of what I did and why I should always be sure about what I want before I get someone else who’d care about me invested.

Drunk me lost that necklace, hopefully it’ll come around, but knowing me. Yeeeaaahh I doubt it.

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

If it’s with my girlfriend, video chatting. But other than that the phone is much less stress.

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

Yes and no. It’s hard to explain how I feel about myself, but I feel experienced and weathered. I like my sense of humour, I like my level of emotional maturity for the most part, I’m certainly better than most. But I’m not really doing anything with my life, and I’m in a very bad place. I’d go into more detail honestly, but it’d be like trying to untie a ball of wrapped cables.

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

The sound of a fork scratching a plate, seagulls yelling. And I love the elegant and refreshing sound of a drink being poured onto ice and fizzling up against the glass. Failing that a girl getting fucked moaning.

28: What’s your biggest “what if”?

What if I got good grades in school, and passed my A-Levels?

or

What if I managed to keep the people I loved when I wanted them?

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

Ghosts no Aliens sure

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first?  Do the same with your left arm.

An empty bottle of cider I drank with my pizza just hours ago. It kinda sucked, but I needed something to wash down the pizza.

The pizza box.

31: Smell the air. What do you smell?

My aftershave, I put it on before I left to go out with Adam an hour or so ago.

32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

A half destroyed doctors office in Spain.

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?

East Coast, Californians are cunts.

34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?

Taylor Momsen xo

35: To you, what is the meaning of life?

Europa tbh

36: Define Art.

Europa tbh

37: Do you believe in luck?

Worst mechanic please remove from the fucking game why does god france with Elan get to have an extra +25% Manpower recovery speed are you fucking kidding me like fuck off I work for hours to build up a fair fighting chance to beat these big blue wankers and I lose a war I absolutely should’ve won because BEH FRANCE LUCKY BEH fuck off cunt no I don’t believe in luck

 38: What’s the weather like right now?

Nice ‘n’ Warm

39: What time is it?

3:55 AM

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

Nah

41: What was the last book you read?

Fight Club

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?

Yeah it’s nice

43: Do you have any nicknames?

God Hands

44: What was the last film you saw?

...Fight Club

Look, it’s a good story fuck yourself

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

Almost lost my hand to a stray van door being shut on my wrist with pretty extreme force.

46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?

I’d be too worried for it’s safety tbh

47: Do you have any obsessions right now?

Caramel Ices Frappes and Tequila.

48: What’s your sexual orientation?

I’m part of the Bisexual master race, yes.

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?#

Prolly

50: Do you believe in magic?

Magic must fucking exist because I don’t understand how Spain can defeat my clearly superior naval fleet outmanning them with at least 56 galleys in an inland sea. Must have a fetishist cultist cursing my ships or some shit like gtfo cunt.

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

Only if they’re a megacunt.

52: What is your astrological sign?

Pisces

53: Do you save money or spend it?

T R E A T    Y O   S E L F

54: What’s the last thing you purchased?

Caramel Iced Frappe

55: Love or lust?

If you don’t have both yous a beech

56: In a relationship?

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha kill me

57: How many relationships have you had?

3 that count for something

58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

Ye

59: Where were you yesterday?

DRIVIN’ WITH THE BOIS

it was really nice I haven’t had a day like that since I was 17

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

My sheets have flowers on them

61: Are you wearing socks right now?

Mhmm

62: What’s your favourite animal?

H U S K I E S

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

Revealing my inner demons and hoping they aren’t turned off by that.

64: Where is your best friend?

Sleeping next to his wife-tier girlfriend. kill me

65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.

UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

They’d all be porn blogs.

66: What is your heritage?

English with a tad Spanish.

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?

Waiting for my fucking job to pay me so I could order something at the bar.

68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?

OSMANOGLU

69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?

WORST MOST BORING OVERUSED QUESTION EVER FUCK ME

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

Sure

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

If it’s a chihuahua I’m going to work lmao

72: How are you in the bedroom?

Only going from what I’ve been told I’d say I’d rate me at like an average of a 7.5/10 fuck

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.

P A R A D O X I C A L    Q U E S T I O N    T B H

74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

Black Betty

75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?

I actually don’t know but I cba to check

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

Good Tea, Good Talk, Good Sex.

77: How can I win your heart?

Give me attention, a reason to go outside and blow me.

78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?

“Is water wet?”

79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

Dating Hannah, mostly because I realised I was good at sex, met Joe and went into a personality changing depression that made me a jaded cunt that barely takes life seriously.

Also as uncomfortable as I feel saying it now she was so lovely when we were actually infatuated with eachother so I experience the idealised “love” they show you in movies before I left my teens.

Mostly Joe though, best person I know.

80: What size shoes do you wear?

9′s I think?????

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

”The last person who blew me gets all my stuff”

82: What is your favourite word?

Cance

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.

Something I desire quite a lot.

84: What is a saying you say a lot?

Kill me

85: What’s the last song you listened to?

See Me - Tei Shi

86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours?

Whatever colour cuck blood bleeds

87: What is your current desktop picture?

It’s been like this since I broke up with Natalie. It’s weird that I remember that specifically but yaknow

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

Holy shit. So many choices.

89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

I don’t think I have one, there’s no point in hiding the truth when it always comes out in the end, even if it’s tough to stomach facing. That and I don’t really have any loose ends.

90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?

Jerk off and see how they react.

91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

The ability to heal anyone I touch, with the added bonus of being able to control it.

92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

That one time Heather was fucking me so good and trying to make me cum so badly that she almost passed out from loss of breathe and I told her she should stop just in case she was in danger and she wouldn’t for like five minutes but eventually couldn’t take it anymore and I made her stop.

Seriously, ignoring the fact that she was actually the nicest sweetest little thing, and the perfect girlfriend, I will forever hate myself for even slightly hurting that girl, she had the iron will of a sex goddess.

93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

Freddos going up in prices AGAIN

94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

Sky Ferreira or Pia Mia

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

The Sun

96: Do you have any relatives in jail?

a guy in my dad’s side of the family got a life sentence for butchering his wife

97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?

I could have gone my whole life without being reminded of how bad I felt the one time that happened thx whoever wrote all of these questions

98: Ever been on a plane?

I’m a lower middle class western white guy...

of course

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

[thefuturebelongs]

1-85. Go!

vaguely nsfw asks

1. Are looks important in a relationship? - yes and no, a relationship can’t be based on looks but there has still be a physical attraction

2. Are relationships ever worth it? - definitely if both people are into it

3. Are you a virgin? - ha no

4. Are you in a relationship? - yes

5. Are you in love? - yes

6. Are you single this year? - I better not be

7. Can you commit to one person? - absolutely

8. Describe your crush - they know who they are ;)

9. Describe your perfect mate - uhh someone who is kind, giving, adventurous, giggle-prone but knows when to be serious, wants to better themselves and other stuff

10. Do you believe in love at first sight? - no but I believe in lust at first sight

11. Do you ever want to get married? - someday

12. Do you forgive betrayal? - depends on why they betrayed me in the first place

13. Do you get jealous easily? - I try not to ha

14. Do you have a crush on anyone? - yes

15. Do you have any piercings? - just basic earrings

16. Do you have any tattoos? - currently 2 with 73839 more ideas

17. Do you like kissing in public? - eh just pecks or small smooches

20. Do you shower every day? - my hair would be destroyed

21. Do you think someone has feelings for you? - yes I do

22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? - probably?

23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat? - I already have

24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years? - no idea haha

25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year? - well I currently am so…

26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you? - yes

27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you? - haha unfortunately yes

28. Have you ever been cheated on? - not that I’m aware of

29. Have you ever cheated on someone? - no way jose

30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body? - eh there’s a lot I want to change but I would never have plastic surgery

31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl? - who hasn’t

32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love? - yeah

33. Have you ever had sex with a man? - yuhp

34. Have you ever had sex with a woman? - yes

35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you? - yes but only be a few months ha

36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends? - yes very briefly

37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated? - they didn’t hate him… Just strongly disliked

38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to? - haha yes

39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have? - I guess so?

40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone? - I am not that creative

41. Have you had sex so far this year? - this year, no

42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander? - uhhh

43. How long was your longest relationship? - currently going on 3.5 years

44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had? - uh according to Facebook 3

45. How many people did you kiss in 2012/2013? - oh geez… 3

46. How many times did you have sex last year? - no idea

47. How old are you? - ripe old age of a quarter century

48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say? - I would ask who and for how long

49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her? - her willingness to give everything she has for someone else

50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept? - well I don’t believe in true love but I’m currently dating my first love

51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for? - a few select people

52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why? - a few friends and because they gave up on me

53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are? - I don’t think so

54. Is there someone you will never forget? - Isaiah Christian Taylor

55. Share a relationship story. - uhh doing the ice bucket challenge in Vegas on our balcony and then being in the elevator and meeting the guys a few stories below us who got wet because of it hahaha

56. State 8 facts about your body - I have 2 tattoos (arm and ankle), i am 5'6ish, I have a birth mark on my right pointer finger that looks more like liver spots ha, I have a scar on my forehead from when I was 4 and crashed into the coffee table, i am ticklish (sort of), my hair is dark brown (not black), I can cross my eyes 2 different ways, I have a tip of a pencil stuck in my hand from 2nd grade

57. Things you want to say to an ex - I have no desire to talk to them but I hope they are genuinely happy in life (and I told you so for Dallas having a kid because he’s a slut ahhahahaha)

58. What are five ways to win your heart? - noticing small things, letting me be a nerd and staying a bunch of random facts, letting me drag you on trips and adventures, has to be able to laugh but also is serious when needed, small surprises like back rubs or a drink ha

59. What do you look like? (Post a picture!) - how do I do that on mobile ha

60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners? - 3.5 years. Whoops.

61. What is the first thing you notice in someone? - eye color or how genuine their smile looks

62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you? - uhhh no idea actually

63. What is your definition of “having sex”? - both partners enjoying some type of sexual act?

64. What is your definition of cheating? - any type of physical contact or flirting with someone else

65. What is your favourite foreplay routine? - not sure of specifics but music is usually involved

66. What is your favourite roleplay? - ha I don’t role play

67. What is your idea of the perfect date? - I always say an amusement park or boardwalk but I would love a baseball game too

68. What is your sexual orientation? - whatever floats my boat

69. What turns you off? - narcissism and egotistical people

70. What turns you on? - confidence and being attentive

71. What was your kinkiest wet dream? - I have no idea

72. What words do you like to hear during sex? - music playing in the background

73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you? - umm some surprise related to something I said awhile ago, I have no idea ha

74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for? - hahaha eye color. I don’t like having brown eyes but I don’t care what color the other person has as long as I think they’re prettier than mine

75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you? - surprised me, which included a 7 hour drive

76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone? - I tried to surprise with a show in Vegas but I ruined it at the last moment :(

77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships? - to each their own I guess. Going younger freaks me out a little though ha

78. What’s your dirtiest secret? - well it wouldn’t be a secret then would it?

79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why? - of this couple who had been on a bunch of cruises and traveled to a million places

80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them? - this morning

81. Who are five people you find attractive? - my girlfriend, and way more than 5 celebrities haha (aka Natasha Negovanlis, Elise Bauman, Chris Hemsworth, Milla Jovovich, Scott Eastwood, Benedict Cumberbatch, Emily Blunt, John Krasinski, and like 7393 more)

82. Who is the last person you hugged? - my sister at the airport

83. Who was your first kiss with? - haha my friend Andrew in like 6th grade

84. Why did your last relationship fail? - because he had the maturity of a teaspoon

85. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet? - well I met my girlfriend on tumblr so…