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gamebunny-advance · 22 days ago

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Maggie and Sinclaire Thoughts 🔍🧽(Spoilers for Their Final Quest)

I just need a place to vomit all these thoughts out.

So I want to preface this with: I KNOW that Sinclaire is a "joke" character. I know that you're not really supposed to take him seriously one way or another. Dude's problem is literally that he's tripping balls on headache medicine and/or a poisonous plant. He is in no way written to be an especially tragic character.

But I can't help but see him that way from how the other objects talk about/to him. Maggie in particular.

I know that Maggie's whole deal is that she's kind of invasive, and she loves solving mysteries. So, any particular interest she has in Sinclaire is probably just because he's an "unsolved mystery."

But, I think she must have been at least friends with him before he got sick. The evidence:

Sudsy recognizes her and is friendly with her. Before, Sudsy growled at the player, which might imply that he doesn't do well with strangers approaching Sinclaire. So he must have seen Maggie fairly regularly to be so friendly with her.

She's surprised that he doesn't remember her. If she was following this case as closely as she claims, she should have already known that he's highly confused right now. So him not remembering her shouldn't be surprising to her. I will concede that it's possible that she just interviewed him before when trying to solve the case earlier, and that's how they met. But if she interviewed him, that's all the more reason that she should know how confused he is. So, no, I don't buy that explanation.

Additionally, Sinclaire intuitively knows that "someone who can solve mysteries" should be able to help him. While his memory is addled, he can seem to recall bits and pieces of some very important details. One of those things seems to be Maggie. He can't remember her face, but he can remember what she does, and knows she can help him.

Both of their themes are jazz. Although, this could just be linking them due to being a part of the same plot. But, Sinclaire's theme could have easily been any other genre and still gotten across the idea that he's a silly guy with something to hide, and just have Maggie's theme be the "investigation" music. In fact, Sinclaire's theme does start silly, but evolves into Jazz later, so you could read this as his true self/memories trying to break through the confusion.

Your relationship with Maggie is directly tied to your ability to help Sinclaire. If you drive Sinclaire further insane, Maggie's opinion of you will drop sharply, which can cause a Love to become Friendship, or more drastically, turn a Friendship into Hate. Inversely, if you save him, her opinion of you will jump sharply, likely to turn into Love. While it could just be because you helped her solve the "impossible" mystery, it is equally possible that she's happy that you helped her save her friend. Additionally in my testing, her opinion doesn't seem to drop as much if you declare Sinclaire a man vs. saying he's a sink without the right evidence. To me this further implies that Sinclaire's personal happiness is at least somewhat tied to her own since as long as he ends happy, she doesn't mind as much that the mystery is still unsolved. Given how Maggie has difficulty with putting herself in another person's shoes, she probably has low empathy for people. The fact that Sinclaire can affect her like that may mean that he's closer to her than most.

But, what's the point? What am I getting at here?

Well, it's scary to see a loved one change so much for reasons you don't know or can't fix. To be living in fear that one wrong move could make them worse. To know that someone you hold dear is slipping away from you, and you don't have the power to save them.

Most of the other objects that know him also know that he wasn't always like this, but don't know what to do about it. Everyone else just kind of puts up with him as he is since he's harmless in this state. Meanwhile, Maggie is trying to do what she can to bring him back to who he was. Maybe it's for self-serving reasons, but she's the only person that cares enough to even try to do something about it.

I'm not trying to say they were anything as grand as lovers, but I just can't help but think that they must have been important to each other in some way. And the idea that both of them were suffering through this makes me very sad. But in an interesting way. I like my angst fic from time-to-time, and this gave me something to chew on.

But I'm really just rambling. It probably isn't that deep. If it was, their relationship probably would have been more blatant. Or they realized how dour that whole story would have been if they treated it this seriously, and just lightened him up a bit.

I mean, asking people to get emotional over the comic relief talking sink is a tall order XP.

Edit: Additional evidence.

They put their pictures next to each other's after they've been Realized. While not always true, characters that are friends/lovers in-game will usually put their pictures next to each other on the cork board. So, combined with the other evidence, I don't think this is a coincidence.

In Maggie's ending, she'll send you her manuscripts from Turkleman City, Florida. While it's currently unknown which of Sinclaire's endings is "canon," this may imply that she is interested enough in him to follow him to his hometown.

#date everything #sinclaire #maggie #sinclaire date everything #maggie date everything #martin applegate #i've collected a bit more evidence #and i really think i'm onto something here #i was just blabbing before #but i'm honestly starting to wonder if there was a plot point dropped here #and that they were actually written to be much closer than they currently are #or i missed dialogue that explicitly implied as much

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hello-eeveev · 5 months ago

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Listening to Derealization, one of my favorite episodes, and thinking a lot about Dot, Mother Artifice, and Realization in general.

When the sloop gets attacked, Dot experiences “A growing silence. A clearing of their thoughts. An evaporation of emotion. A sense of their messy, flawed humanity being scoured out of them like dirty dishes in hot, soapy water.” This is what they have wanted, what they think they are supposed to be, and it is killing them. Their conceptualization of Realization is literally harmful.

Notably though, their doubt is what saves them. They know that this is not Realization and that they should not give into it because they are unsure. Their “messy, flawed humanity” is what keeps them alive, and they keep Merlin and Cleo alive by poking at their humanity, too—appealing to, then attacking Merlin’s pride; offering connection, reciprocation, and vulnerability to Cleo.

I think it’s notable that the sloop fails immediately after Dot tries to walk back admitting that Cleo is very pretty and that they are nervous around her. Their attempt to deny their humanity nearly dooms them.

I think that Dot’s assumption that Realization must be emotionless and thoughtless is entirely incorrect. I think that it is instead likely something like a constant meditative state, where thoughts are allowed to occur and pass by. It’s not mere coincidence that Mother Artifice’s frequent reminder that Realization will not be unclear is what got Dot to wake up and push through the tranquilization. In Homeward, he tells Dot that “fear has always been and will always be a companion” on the journey to Realization. He does not tell them not to feel it. “Do not maintain distance from or question your natural intuition. Let the experience come through however it is, and reveal whatever it has to offer,” he says in Rough Air. “Your entry point to Realization is exactly where you are and where you are going. Whatever comes is already in the right place. Just like you, Granddaughter, just like you.” Realization, it seems, is not a denial, but an acceptance.

I also want to point out that, upon relisten, Artifice is trying at almost every opportunity to reassure Dot and soothe their anxieties. It’s interesting because I think his tone and his position made it frequently come off as instructional, not the personal and personalized advice that it was.

I also want to talk about this, from episode 3:

M: (Hambing) "Well then why don't you get the habit fixed?"

X: (Mother Artifice) "BECAUSE I AM CONTENT WITH MYSELF. NOT ALL IMPROVEMENTS ARE NECESSARY AND NOT ALL AFFLICTIONS ARE HARMFUL.

Obviously, I’ve been thinking a lot about Artifice. I had already gained an affection for him, but with the final conversation in Homeward, he quickly shot up on the favorite character list. Knowing now how harshly he criticized himself and hid his perceived flaws when he was younger, his unashamed acceptance of his loud voice and acknowledgement that it is not something that needs to be fixed makes me really happy. “What is at the core of you is not a curse,” and all that. And it relates back to the idea of Realization as acceptance.

Look! Even Mr. Pesto is out here reinforcing the themes!

M: (Mr. Pesto) “I was scared. It’s a responsibility. A legacy. A once in a lifetime opportunity. What if I… What if I mismanaged it? Sullied the Delagney name? I could say no and keep pushing papers quietly and let some other sap take the role and regret the choice for the rest of my life. But…”

X: (Dot) “But the Valorous choice was clear.”

S: Mr. Pesto smiles at the Granddaughter with what looks like genuine warmth.

M: (Mr. Pesto) “But the Valorous choice was clear. And yes, of course, I’ve mismanaged the old hotel aplenty. Look at it. What an absolute wreck. Some of which is my fault, plenty of which is not. Some things you just can’t control. I’m proud of it all, anyway.”

X: Mr. Pesto looks at the Granddaughter.

M: The Granddaughter looks at Mr. Pesto.

S: Both of their eyes, for just a moment, are almost…shiny. What is going on here?

M: (Mr. Pesto) “You don’t stop being scared, but you do the right thing anyway. To quote an old Trust hero of mine who is now almost as irrelevant as me: ‘What great adventure is free from challenge?’”

And this Dot and Cleo conversation, from episode 16:

S: (Cleo) “No matter how hard I try, I’m never gonna be enough for them. And that’s what made me change my mind, that…realization.”

X: Dot blinks, startled. “Realization?”

HMMMM IT’S ALMOST LIKE TRYING TO BE SOMETHING YOU AREN’T IS THE OPPOSITE OF REALIZATION! MAYBE THE TRUE REALIZATION IS LETTING GO OF THE EXPECTATIONS OF OTHERS!!!

#episode 7 derealization my beloved #Dot my beloved #mother artifice my BELOVED #mother artifice #the granddaughter #unend #unend podcast #unend spoilers #midst #midst podcast #eve watches midst

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tia-amorosa · 10 days ago

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Episode 60: New Light in the Darkness

Gobias was quite used to getting a little less sleep now and then. But yesterday and the turbulent night had taken their toll on him. He hadn't eaten much either, which Ace also strongly suspected. So he prepared Gobias a makeshift breakfast… "I'm sorry, I would have liked to make pancakes, but I can't offer that luxury right now."/ "It's okay, thanks…"

When Gobias took the first bite, he had to restrain himself from choking. "*clears throat*, let me guess... The toast is a bit old." / "um, hehe, I was hoping you wouldn't notice... Yeah, but no mold on it yet..." / "Yeah, right. I've been... thinking, by the way. We can try living together, if you like." Ace stopped poking at the fire. "Really?" / "On one condition."

"And what would that be?" Ace asked, leaving the fireplace to itself again. "I can't sleep in this small bed. You're lighter than me, well, at least I noticed that when…" Gobias put his hand on the back of his neck, embarrassed. "I understand, hn… It's okay, I'll take the other one then. After all, you're… stronger and older." / "Oh… How old do you think I am?" / "I don't know… 40?" Ace tried to guess, shrugging.

Gobias stood up without flinching. "Almost right, 43. Most people actually think I'm older." / "Well, you... You've certainly been through a lot..." / "Oh yeah... And you're probably not even 30, in my estimation." / "No, hn, I still have five years until then..." / "Mhm. I'm going to go to the bathroom and then get my things and the key to the house." / "Okay."

A few minutes later, Gobias almost regretted opening the door. Just as the house was starting to warm up, the icy cold hit him in the face. "I'll probably get a few other things. You're not exactly well-off at the moment." / "But I don't want to be a burden on you, … Thanks in advance." / "Hmm. And for next time… Gobias."

To get back to the city, Gobias ordered another taxi and vowed to look for his own car with good winter tires in the next few days. He had some savings that he wanted to put to good use. Now was the right time. First, he drove to Boyd and Susan, who were surprised that he had found a new place to live so quickly.

It was a relatively short and painless farewell to the old home. Susan showed little interest in Gobias's departure, while Boyd patted him on the shoulder and wished him all the best. They'd see each other again at work anyway. Then he drove to the supermarket, which had been a rare destination until now, since Susan had been taking care of the grocery shopping.

"Oh man, all the vegetables and fruit are frozen. Why didn't they keep them inside?" As Gobias pondered this question several times, he intuitively tried to reach for the things his new roommate might like. After all, they'd only known each other for a few hours, but still not well enough to know what the other liked. After paying for everything, he headed to the real estate office.

When Gobias arrived at the real estate office with all his shopping bags, the reactions from both the customers and the employees were quite mixed. Some were annoyed, others laughed. But he simply shrugged and asked for the nice lady he'd spoken to the previous evening. "Room 306... You're really crazy, Mister..." / "Koffi, Gobias Koffi... nice to meet you."

The lady, who was pushing her glasses up her nose again, recognized Gobias immediately when he entered the room. "Mr. Koffi? Weren't you supposed to contact me last night?" / "I'm sorry, something unexpected came up. So... I've decided, I'm taking the property" / "Really? Okay... It probably needs some TLC, but..." / "I know, but it can't be fixed until spring... So, do I get the keys?" / "Can you afford the rent on it?" He just looked at her sideways and smiled. "Sure, Ma'am." ... After going over the lease with her again and signing it, he was handed the keys from the administration floor and made his way back to his new home.

He preferred not to tell her about his unexpected lodger. His instinct told him it would only lead to problems. And something inside him rebelled against sending him away.

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@greenplumbboblover , @solorisims , @honeywinesims ⭐

#new horizons #ts3 Story #the sims 3 story #ts3 Screenshots #the Sims 3 Screenshots #ts3 gameplay #the sims 3 gameplay #gobias koffi #ace custer #evansdale county

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themousefromfantasyland · 3 months ago

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Why Vulnerable People Are the Church’s Favorite Targets

Easter came and went, and as always, this is a time when I remember where I came from and who I am now.

For those who don’t know, I was raised in an Evangelical family and used to be very devout. And this year, thanks to the rise of Conservatism we’re living through, I keep seeing more and more content from born-again Christians—and these terrify me profoundly. Why? Because I know for sure these are desperate and broken people being taken advantage of by an institution that will exploit their pain and use them for its own goals.

First, yes, I am an atheist—but even as an atheist, I have no problem with people finding faith and purpose in life. If that makes life meaningful for you and it doesn’t hurt others, it’s not my concern. However, contrary to what society preaches to us, the Christian world has its own fair share of problems and dangers. Unless you grew up in the church, you are completely defenseless against them.

So this is just a quick PSA for vulnerable and marginalized people—LGBTQ people, poor people, people with mental health issues—the types of people the church targets the most.

Being Approached by the Church

The first thing you need to know is that the church is not outright malicious, but it is ruthless and cruel. You can’t ever fully trust them—never. They don’t operate by the same morals as you and me. Their goal is to convert as many people to Jesus Christ as possible, by any means necessary. At heart, they believe they are doing good—and that’s the danger.

For them, anything is justifiable if it's done in God’s name. They will outright lie, deceive, and trick you. They target people who are the most desperate or not in their right mind because it's easier to manipulate and literally brainwash them.

When it comes to Christians, never let your guard down. Always ask questions. Never fully accept their kindness and love at face value. There’s a reason why churches and cults often use the same recruitment tactics.

The Church's Promises

The second thing is to be careful with their promises. Becoming a Christian will not solve all your problems. As someone from a Christian family, I know from experience how much they hide their mental anguish and trauma while pretending everything is okay. Becoming a Christian is not a path to perfect happiness.

It’s all about denial—and hoping that God will eventually fix everything. If something goes wrong, you ignore it and move on; if something goes right, you thank God. That way, God is always protecting you, because he’s never held responsible for anything that goes wrong.

From my experience, what they call God is just their intuition and common sense, externalized and otherized so much that it becomes almost like a second personality in the back of their minds. It’s no different than an imaginary friend they created because they feel really alone most of the time.

Also, they always move the goalposts. When you’re outside the church, they act like you can only be truly happy if you join them. Once you’re in the church, they act like you have to endure immense suffering to prove your love for God—and only then can you find happiness. It’s a form of manipulation they don’t even realize they’re doing.

Being Part of the Church

Third: once you become a Christian, you die. Or rather, the old version of you dies. That’s how the ritual of baptism is meant to work. What they want is for you to kill your old identity, become exactly like them, and obey their every command—adopting all their values. You are not supposed to ask questions or deviate from what’s established. You no longer have your own identity. Remember: you kill it during baptism.

Some pastors act as if they own you. In some denominations, the pastor will even threaten you using God's authority:

“Saying, Touch not mine anointed, and do my prophets no harm.” —Psalm 105:15

Many pastors use this verse—and others like it—to say that if you dare to criticize them, God will punish you.

And it’s not just the pastor—it’s the other church members too. They will ostracize you and openly criticize you if you deviate too much. Some will backstab you if it means climbing the church hierarchy.

The Church's Politics

Fourth: It’s never just about the Bible. They don’t just want you to agree with them religiously—they want you to agree politically as well. I praise progressive churches because they fight an uphill battle. Christianity at its core is a deeply conservative religion.

They don’t just brainwash the desperate and needy into believing their dogma—they indoctrinate them into their politics, too.

You have to believe that trans people don’t deserve legal protection, or else you’re offending God. You have to vote for Donald Trump, or else you’re letting Satan win. You have to allow Israel to kill as many Palestinian children as possible, or else we’ll lose our Bibleland.

It’s not about “hating the sin, loving the sinner” with these people. It’s about using the government to prevent people from choosing sin, and brutally punishing those who already have.

No matter how much they preach “Free Will,” they don’t want you to have the freedom to do anything that might upset them.

And if you are a Christian reading this, I’m sorry. These are just my observations from being raised as a Christian and still living in a Christian family.

I don’t want anyone to abandon their faith in God. I just want people to ask questions. Do these people really speak in the name of God? Does God really want this from me?

Believe me, I know for a fact that if God is real, then he must want smart, decent people to spread his word—not useful idiots who are easily manipulated by any false prophet that appears.

@thealmightyemprex @ariel-seagull-wings @the-blue-fairie @mask131 @princesssarisa @tamisdava2 @theancientvaleofsoulmaking @storytellergirl

#christianity #christian faith #christian #politics #religious trauma #religious fundamentalism

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askthefivefallen · 11 months ago

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“Okay, so the key to a good sand castle is a good sand to water ratio. If you have too much water, it’s mud, too much sand and it won’t stick. You want it to stand on its own but still be pliable. Like this,” *Emily squeezes a handful of sand and it keeps the shape of the space between her palm* “Once you have that, you can build it up and shave away what you don’t need. If you make a mistake, just add a little more and fix it.”

*She offers the sand castle building kit to Shamira* “Here, now you try!”

Alright, Sugar, here you go. Go ahead and summon your mask; it's your time to shine.

Shamira smiles, snapping her fingers to summon a periwinkle mask into place. It wasn't the same as her face guard, the fabric far more flexible and permitting her to speak, but it brought her a similar level of peace. She then took the kit Emily handed her, tilting her head as she puzzled through the various pieces. Aside from the bucket that carried the kit, there was a small hand shovel and several molds to build the actual castle. "It seems fairly straight forward."

She kneels down and familiarizes herself with the various components before taking the bucket to dig out a small pit, intending to use it to create a pool of water she could easily draw from and using the displaced sand to build her castle. Then, she went to gather water.

You know, now seems like a good enough time to ask- why sandcastle building?

I'm unsure what you mean with that question.

You're pretty invested in doing this and I'm just curious what about sandcastles has your attention. Not like either of us knew surfing was a bad idea until this morning.

Shamira gathers up water in the bucket and ferries it back to her pit, going back for a second trip as most of the water began seeping through the sand at the bottom.

I am intrigued by the concept and I hope to better understand our dynamic by experiencing the process myself.

Our dynamic?

Yes. We're very much like a sandcastle.

Sugar, I'm pretty good at reading you, but ya gotta explain this one.

Shamira continues bringing water, focused solely on creating her pool of water and conversing with Ass in her head.

Sandcastles combine two concepts that should not make sense together. Sand is malleable, always shifting, dynamic; a castle is not. The stone is immutable, worn away only after ages have passed. You are the sand- dynamic, changing, adapting, and yet you remain true. No matter how the ocean beats against you, you are still the same Ass, despite how much you've changed,l just like you may never walk on the exact same sand but the beach endures. I am the castle; I am set in my ways, virtually incapable of changing easily, and I fear I may be worn away entirely one day.

What makes you think you'll be worn away?

A few things. I'm not as strong as you- spiritually. It's as Emily said; you are a wild, blazing flame. I am not.

Just because you're not a flame doesn't mean you can't endure. Look at the Palace; that's a type of castle and it's been around ages.

... I suppose.

And, even if you're always going to be a castle, that doesn't mean you can't change. You were once a castle dedicated to Sera. Now you're dedicated to Emily.

I changed because you showed me how. In that way, we are a sandcastle- two things that, by all rights, should not be even remotely considered relevant to each other. Yet, we are.

Okay. Well. Couple things. First, whatever our 'dynamic' is, I promise it's gonna be stronger and hardier than any fucking sandcastle.

Noted.

Secondly, sandcastles, even well built ones, are still messy and imperfect. So, it's okay if we're a little messy and imperfect, too.

Reasonable.

Finally, trust Em's word. It's about finding the right ratio, the right balance. It might not be intuitive. But, if we keep working at it, we'll figure it out.

I believe that's a sound strategy.

Awesome. Now, you've been fucking silently filling up that hole with water for, like, ten minutes. Em's probably a little worried.

Shamira blinks and looks up, turning her head to meet Emily's gaze while holding up the bucket. "Preparations are almost complete. Then, construction can begin."

((@ask-emily-em-emmy))

#ask the fallen #ass (but not that kind)#ask emily #servant shamira #lutualverse #beach ep

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nightghoul381 · 1 year ago

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Spoken Words ~ Liam Evans (POV) x Reader

AHAHAHA IT'S LATE BUT---Entry number 9 in @judejazza's An Invitation to Crown Castle event!

Pairing: Liam Evans (POV) x Reader Prompt: Words of Affirmation Genre: Hurt/Comforty-Fluff CW: None WC: 1k

To say that I am overwhelmed is an understatement. When you first pitched the idea to try and ‘be me for the day’ I thought it was adorable and readily agreed.

However, I soon realized that I am in over my head as you begin to shower me with praise.

“You’re so sweet, Liam!”

“I love you so much, you make my heart feel so light and happy.”

“Liam you’re looking so gorgeous today!”

I’m used to some compliments and praise, but I suppose I didn’t realize how often I tended to express my adoration for you through my words.

My face is burning as we make our way through the market, and I find myself struggling to come up with an appropriate way to respond, especially when you keep making my heart skip so much.

“You don’t really need to keep making things up to praise me for,” I tease, swinging our joined hands between us.

When you stop suddenly I stumble a bit. Glancing over my shoulder I see your eyebrows furrowed together in confusion.

“I’m not making things up, I’m just saying what I’m thinking out loud, like you do.”

My cheeks flush, and I smile shyly at you, tugging your hand to convince you to keep walking. I keep my eyes fixed on the feeling of your hand in mine.

More kind words with each shop we pass, and I can start to feel the niggling feeling at the back of my head, I don’t want to feel this way…

I try to keep my mind from escaping from me as I feel the cold rainy feeling wash over me. It’s no use though.

It’s not true.

You know it’s not true.

No one could ever truly love someone like you. A miserable wretch of a man.

No one wants someone so broken and unlovable; you should stop pretending that any of this is real.

The dark voice in my head is so quick to tear apart anything and everything you say, even as you continue to tell me how happy you are to be with me, and how much you love spending time with me even doing something as simple as strolling through crowds holding hands.

I school my expression, reacting as I know I’m supposed to react, brightly smiling each time you tell me how lovely I look and how much you want to kiss me. Perks of being an actor, I suppose. I can put on a fairly convincing performance, pretending that I’m happy and not crumbling inside.

I zone out for a bit, startled when I see that we’re now in a narrow alley, tucked away from the rest of the people.

“Liam,” you state softly, eyes staring deeply into mine. “You’re getting lost again.”

“Oh, um… sorry. I guess I got caught up in my head,” I laugh, slapping a grin on my face to try and reassure you that I’m okay.

I feel your hands come up on either side of my face, thumbs gently brushing against my cheeks.

You shake your head calmly and I know you’re telling me to stop hiding my real self from you.

I don’t know how you’re always able to see through me so quickly, but I can’t help but feel impressed.

“You’re so intuitive. I’m no match for you,” I chuckle, letting my lips drop from the forced smile.

I feel tears stinging the corner of my eyes as your thumbs caress my cheeks. I let myself nuzzle against your palms and breathe deeply.

“I suppose hearing compliments and such nice things… I can understand a couple, maybe. But you’ve said so many nice things, things that no one has ever thought before. I don’t know how you could convince yourself that you really mean any of them.”

I scoff at my weakness, eyes squeezed shut as tears begin to trickle down my cheeks.

“I must seem so crazy to you. You’ve been doing nothing but saying such kind things, just as I always do to you, and yet here I am, crying and unable to believe it. I’m too broken for love…”

I feel the warmth of your lips press against mine and my eyes shoot open.

“Liam, I mean everything I’ve said today. You’re not broken. It can be hard to accept compliments, I know I had a difficult time with it myself when we first started spending time together. I was able to come to believe them because you were sure to tell me so consistently and sincerely each day. I want to do that for you now.”

Your hands fall from my cheeks, reaching instead for my hands to pull us out of the alleyway. You know you’ve managed to draw me out of the rain and into your warmth I suppose, your face glowing with a tender smile.

“Every day, Liam. I will tell you every single day, how much I love you, how much I enjoy my time with you, how wonderful I think you are. I’ll remind you so many times that it will become easier and easier for you to believe me,” you promise, striding out into the sunlit and bustling marketplace.

“But what if I can’t do it… if I’m too broken to believe you?” I whisper to myself, startled when you respond.

“Then I’ll tell you even more, because I know you’re not broken, you’re just running on empty. My lovely kind, Liam. “

The little spark of joy that wells up in me begins to burn a little stronger. Perhaps you’re right, after all. Maybe, just maybe, your affirmations repeated often enough will fan the flame in my heart until I’m able to see the world around me even if your light is far away.

“Okay then, but don’t expect me to hold back from complimenting you just as much, if not more,” I shoot back, finally letting a genuine smile spread across my face. I don’t know how you can see someone worth all the praise and kind sentiments in a guy like me, but… I hope that someday I can.

No, I believe that someday I will.

Taglist: @judejazza @aquagirl1978 @natimiles @themiscarnival @candied-boys

Feel free to let me know if you'd like to be added to my tag list!

#ikevil #ikemen villains #liam evans #invitation2crowncc #ikevil liam #ikemen villains liam #ikevil liam evans

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phanfictioncatalogue · 1 month ago

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Where One [Or Both] Have Pets (4) Masterlist

part one, part two, part three

A Sleepless Night With Toto Howell-Lester (ao3) - outphan

Summary: Dan and Phil's first night with their new puppy.

Betta Late Than Never (ao3) - indistinct_echo

Summary: Dan hires Phil to therapize his betta. They get along swimmingly.

bring me home (ao3) - whiskers (robertmontauk)

Summary: "Hello," she says, tilting her head with a friendly smile. "Are you looking for something?"

Dan can't speak.

"Yes, actually," says Phil, thank fuck. "We're looking to adopt a dog."

(or: the story with the dogs.)

By Chance (ao3) - Full_Moon_Lover

Summary: Dan and Phil are complete strangers but their dogs are not going to stand for that for much longer.

cat distribution system (ao3) - omgitshelena

Summary: "I want the cat distribution system to choose me!" - Phil, 2024

cliché and awfully cheesy (ao3) - Iittlesparkle

Summary: Dan and Phil bought their forever home, got a dog and got married and now they get back to their normal life. There's one more step to take though.

Dan and Phil and DOG (ao3) - nivi_chip

Summary: It’s Phil’s birthday, and Dan gets him a gift that’s long overdue

Dan Loved Rain (ao3) - Septic84

Summary: “See,” Phil said, entering the room, “I knew it was supposed to find you. It sure seems like it chose you to me.”

dog dads (ao3) - possumdnp

Summary: Dan and Phil have had their corgi for three weeks. They still haven’t told the internet yet.

(A fic about dogs, secrets, and Dan and Phil’s ever-shifting boundaries.)

Dog Intuition (ao3) - chiridotalaevis

Summary: Dan likes dogs. He really does. They are cute and fluffy and loyal and fun, all the good things that can fill the void in his dark and gloomy soul. And he really does love his parents’ dog Colin. He’s just not exactly thrilled by said dog suddenly being his responsibility and on such short notice.

Halloween Baking, 2017 Style: Spooky Maple Pupcakes! (ao3) - manchestereyes

Summary: When Dan and Phil set out to film their next baking video in their new house, they certainly don't expect a certain fluffball to constantly nose his way in, nearly ruining the entire recipe. Then again, shouldn't that be exactly what they expect?

i am...best dog (ao3) - itsmyusualphannie (itsmyusualweeb)

Summary: “Good girl,” Dan cooed at her. “Yes, you are. You’re the best girl.”

Susan vibrated with happiness. She WAS the best girl.

Is your dog passionate about democracy? (ao3) - sierraadeux

Summary: Blame Dan's increasing public interest in politics for me not being able to stop thinking about a different universe in which political campaign canvasser Dan meets corgi dad Phil on his route. A rare story of the one time in recorded history in which a stranger ringing your doorbell isn't annoying.

Mochi & Luna (ao3) - hygge

Summary: Dan has planned a huge surprise for Phil for their anniversary, but what he doesn’t know is that Phil has planned the same thing for him.

Of Cats and Dogs (ao3) - GabbyGums

Summary: In which Dan gets roped into taking care of his friend's dog, and Phil somehow gets hold of a cat.

This can only mean chaos.

Oswald (ao3) - philsmeatylegss

Summary: Dan is an asshole, Phil goes through a tragic accident, and this somehow brings them together.

Also Phil owns a pancake restaurant.

Past Meeting the Present (ao3) - philsmeatylegss

Summary: Discovery and discussion of past challenges

Phil VS The Furry Ball of Hate (ao3) - dont-tell-them-i-write-phan (QueenJunoTheGreat)

Summary: Everyone knows that pet owners take their pets’ opinions on people very seriously. Dan’s cat hates Phil. Obviously, Phil needs to fix this.

Phil's new friend (ao3) - Phantasticbeasts

Summary: Phil is out late one night, Dan wakes up to a new friend in his bed.

right meow (ao3) - waylesssad

Summary: On the first day, Dan thinks this is a bad idea.

settle down, it'll all be clear (ao3) - lestered (clonetrobed)

Summary: He’s started to like it a little better these days. After his parents split up, after he finally started therapy, and so did his mum, after they finally started talking to each other. Seeing it doesn’t evoke the warmth and comfort of, say, his own apartment door, knowing that Phil and Luna and Norman and the weird balcony pigeons are waiting for him on the other side. But he knows this isn’t a bad place to be anymore, and that’s a step in the right direction.

That progress doesn’t matter too much at the moment. He’s still nervous as hell.

or: pet psychic!Phil finally gets to meet Dan’s mum. And Colin too, of course.

The Dog Father (ao3) - Nefertiti1052 (Succubusphan)

Summary: Dan’s dog leads him straight into the arms of a handsome man at the Dog Park.

The Pet Surprise (ao3) - pasteldanhowells

Summary: Phil is going to his boyfriend’s apartment for the first time, and he certainly didn’t expect his boyfriend to have a pet snake in his apartment.

The Phat (ao3) - gaydreaming

Summary: When Dan and Phil find an abandoned cat on a late-night walk to Dominos, Dan insists that they aren't going to keep him. After all, they know nothing about taking care of a pet. Dan will have the self control to put his foot down when faced with both Phil's big eyes and the cat's, right? ...Right?

your love is my turning page (ao3) - buggieb

Summary: “If it’s okay, I’d like to send an email to the rescue center. Ask about a meeting for her.”

Dan pauses to mull it over, but it’s not even a full five seconds later when he says, “Alright.”

“Good, because I already did, and we’re meeting her this Friday,” Phil says, patting Dan’s knee and scampering away.

Dan wants to be upset, but instead, he throws his head back and laughs.

or the one where dan and phil get a dog

#phanfictioncatalogue #phanfic #phan #phanfiction #dan and phil #masterlists #pets #pets masterlist #cats #cats masterlist #dogs #dogs masterlist

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giafluffer · 7 months ago

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Morning chill. Turquoise goofy tribal pants, military 🪖 green tank top, white shirt from yesterday, grey 🩶 hoodie, big pink cardigan, plus an off white neck warmer over my head and a dark brown 🤎 scarf. The feeling of doom has left me somehow. Mom invited me for dinner. Shes such a nice woman. But my brother is a sensitive disabled person with a tyrant's temper and he won't allow my boyfriend to come over. Even tho my bf fixed mom's car in our neighbors driveway. My family is strange, wild, desirous and ever so loving Catholics. But chaotic. My "friends" have insulted my home. But Nicole is no longer my friend so there's that. She said my parents house is disgusting. When I had my own apartment it was immaculately minimal and clean wood floors. I love wood floors. At my parents we have carpet and lots of cats and a big great Pyrenees doggie. I miss home. But my teenage years were quite destructive and tumultuous. Mom couldn't handle me emotionally and spiritually and said she put me "in God's hands" I was a goth child. A cutter. And I had a terrible relationship at 14 with a boyfriend who I married at age 18. What a fool. I wore a black wedding dress and got married on Christmas to show disrespect towards Jesus and my mother. God. I was angry. What was I so angry about? I had a good childhood. Mom and dad took us camping. She tried keeping house clean. She fed us and clothed me like a doll. Then I felt society pull me away from her. The "cool" girls at school. I was embarrassed of my overweight family members. For some reason I've always been the thin one in my family and the only one who doesn't consume flesh. It didn't make me feel "better" than them but it makes me angry like why can't people just intuitively get it that consuming animals is wrong? In capitalist consumerism I'm supposing they will slowly move towards a more sustainable way of existence but the consumption of animal flesh may remain for its "health benefits". Sorry I'm just babbling.The sun is big and bright white emitting a pale yellow glow in its immersive rays. I literally bought so much vegan yogurt yesterday so I have nothing to buy at grocery store except energy drink and hydration drinks. I personally prefer water so wtf. My boyfriend and brother just love hydration drinks. I think it's the addictive sucralose also the act of electrolytes consumed with flavor. I spy my shadow. I feel like a hunter gatherer with my backpack and two scarves. I did pick my hands this morning but I swear I'm working on it. I said I don't live for Jesus but I need Him. So just that need existing, I do live for Him and love Him. How many times do I whine and try to control the situation when my boyfriend hurts my feelings? And how many times do I surrender to my pain and stay with him? I want to be a good girl good woman so bad but I've been traumatized and treated in dehumanizing ways. I don't agree with much of society. I am not anti psychiatry but I believe if the patient is coherent as I am I should be the one in control of my medication, not an "educated" morbidly obese psychiatrist. I love my psychiatrist but I can't get over the fact that she seems so unhealthy. Man. This world is so cruel, beautiful, and difficult. I think my , I mean I KNOW my psychiatrist is beautiful, gentle, intelligent, and kind. I'm just an angry person.

#anti psychiatry #communication #Bleh #diary

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devouredbyflame · 1 year ago

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Good morning! It’s Ari, again.

I might drop by to DM sometime, but since I’m about to work, I didn’t want to be rude and just DM/start a conversation to throw questions at you and run off lol I’d rather DM to get to know someone if that makes sense. I thought it might be more appropriate to drop little questions here if any really drive me nuts while I’m reading your blog in the meantime.

If I ever ask anything you don’t want to share, feel free to say so! I’m trying to understand what I’ve read you say about finding your path yourself and avoiding echo chambers when you should be learning from the Divine, so I’m gonna try to limit my questions, but between my having ADHD, anxiety, and just generally being kind of detail-oriented, I still find myself fixated on specific details a lot

So with that ramble out of the way (sorry, I’m kinda long-winded, I’m sure you noticed in my email lol) my actual question(s) for today!:

(I see how long this got, so for a summary, this jumble of questions is about the likenesses of Deities you mention putting on altars)

In your first post about altar creation, I saw you say one of the things you need is a likeness of the Deity you’re making it for. It might be a silly question, but what really counts as a “likeness”? Is it just anything made with the intention of being His likeness? Or are we supposed to make an intuitive guess? I could see maybe going by personal UPG, but assuming we’re just starting out and not confident in anything like that, trying to make the altar to connect in the first place, I’m wondering how we know what we’re looking for.

Since I’m not able to practice openly at home, but my family knows I was a bigger fan of Hiddleston Loki than the MCU itself, I was thinking of finding a good/affordable figure of MCU Loki. So if the owner of the household rifles through my things, as she’s prone to do, and she finds a candle, a marvel figure and a couple of (to her) random things in a box, she’s more likely to think it’s just a box of knickknacks. But I’m afraid this will be seen as some kind of joke, I don’t want to be too familiar, in case I’ve been wrong about my connecting to Him so far.

Final thought- do Deities even really have human-looking appearances? I see Loki appearing differently to different people, especially as a shapeshifter, but is it really a thing that any of Them look a certain way? Like I’ve read you talk about meeting Him face-to-face when He has possessed people in front of you, and how He’s your roommate/in-and-out-of-your-body way of being with you now. But is there a way you “see” Him? And is that a way He’s appeared to you, in a dream or meditation or something, or is it just kinda a creative idea of how He looks?

Sorry for the length, and any errors! I’d stop to edit it down and fix run-on sentences, but I’m already kinda late starting work (oops). So I hope you have a good day! Hopefully I’ll have time to actually chat this weekend, if you’re open to that!

Hi Ari! You're totally fine. I love answering questions so give me what you got and I can do my best to further clarify for you. And also, I am ADHD so I 100% understand the need for detail-oriented clarification. My numerous questions is how I got to where I am today because I would ask Loki so many things about how stuff works so I can better grasp the nature of the concept. I am more than delighted to share what I've learned, how it works, and why it's been successful and that's kind of the point of my being here.

My answers are also really long-winded and mostly because I have a lot of knowledge and experiences and very few places to share it so bear with me.

So, in regards to the likeness question, I would say anything that is made with the intention of it being the Deity in question would be the best point of reference. However, it doesn't necessarily mean it has to be an obvious representation, just something that is synonymous with Their energy. Like, if you had a candle vaguely in the shape of the Deity in question or a clay model, a doll, or a picture that reminds you of Them, that also works. The purpose is to draw the energy of that particular Deity into the shrine which means you would need to "open the door" to both sides. Like, the Deity would need to know it is for Them as well as you so you can look at it and go, "ah, yes, that is the God in question." You would think They wouldn't care because They know your heart and your intention, but it is easiest when the object is designed with the God in mind.

That being said, I personally had MCU Loki on my altar for a year or two when I first began, knowing Loki probably was aware of my situation and that I needed to be closeted until I had my own place to live. I don't think it would necessarily be a problem if you have Tom Hiddleston instead of Loki Himself. When I got my own place, I got Him a statue carved out of wood and quite a bit of art by various artists I've found who I think draw Him really well.

The whole debate about whether or not Loki cares for MCU Loki itself is complex and I can possibly get into that in more detail if anyone is ever interested. But based on my experiences with Him, He has indicated that no, He doesn't really care for it to be on your shrine. It's fine if that's what you need to be conspicuous. He only really seems to care if you don't ask Him if it's okay. The point, I think, He wants to make is that by asking Him His opinion, He will make it okay because you gave Him your reasoning and didn't just assume. Which makes sense considering a shrine is a Deity's possession and not a devotee's after the point of making it a shrine. So, as long as you're asking His permission to use it on His shrine, I think that's absolutely clear with Him.

I cannot speak for Him, but I sincerely doubt He would ever wish to put you in the way of any danger when it comes to His shrine being made. However, I know Him to be very possessive of His belongings and prefers giving His consent with certain things. If you invite Him when creating a shrine, He will more than likely give you a sense of what you need to be doing for Him and whether or not it's okay. If you don't trust that, using a pendulum, flipping a coin, or other "yes/no" random generators are helpful. I wouldn't worry too much that you are afraid of insulting Him just because you don't have an option.

Just don't ask Him multiple times the same question because that's when He starts giving false answers. It can get aggravating but typically He doesn't like having only one-sided answers and would prefer to say both "yes" and "no" because He tends to swing both ways when talking about the nature of Himself as well as the Gods since it's never only ever just one single way.

I think He does mind Tom Hiddleston being used as His likeness if you have no reason to hide your shrine and if you don't ask His permission to so so He may say "no" but then "yes" later on given His consent and an explanation of your reasoning.

Now, I don't know your situation, obviously, and there's no reason for you to get into more detail about it to some random stranger on the internet but I will point out that having a shrine is a lot less obvious than you would think. People won't know what they are looking at if they are not pagan. I kept my shrine on my desk for the years I was closeted and my ex who was an atheist as well as my Christian parents did not know what they were looking at unless I specifically told them what it was. Even then, they were confused. I think unless the people you live with know what a pagan is or what a shrine should be, you likely are going to be fine even if they go through your belongings.

I recommend keeping it in a shoe box somewhere or an even smaller box that's tucked away somewhere no one will get to it even if they are looking. It's probably for the best regardless because it would keep other energy from getting to it that would be less than savory and could interrupt the energetic transaction between Loki and yourself.

Also, in regards to appearances, no, Loki does not have a physical appearance whatsoever. He is energy and energy does not have a form that we can see clearly with our two eyes. He likes to call Himself an "orb of light" and that He "floats around all day and does not do much of anything on this physical plane except wait around for stuff to happen."

I have seen Him manifest physically before but it is not human-like nor is it remotely something that is a common occurrence. It looks like glimmers of golden light that shines in the corner of my eye and flashes before it can ever be seen fully. My cats see Him all the time, actually, and watch as He zooms around the apartment and plays with them since cats have a keener sense of vision than we do.

So, no, He does not have any actual human-like qualities. However, it is my understanding that the way we perceive Him is translated by various triggers in our brain. Just like how we visualize a person as they are described that we haven't seen before, Loki essentially has a means to assist people with seeing Him who may have trouble recognizing who He is so He gives a common appearance. He's explained to me that when it's important for someone to know who they are looking at, He will appear to them as a lanky ginger with long red hair, golden eyes and pointed ears. But if it's not, then He can show up as anyone He wants to in any way.

So I suppose it's both the way He wants to be seen and also our own brains piecing together visuals that He triggers and we conceptualize as vaguely human but very obviously not given the amount of energy that resonates off of Him. So it's both intentional that He looks the same way to a lot of people while also being intentional when He doesn't. Regardless of where, how, and why He manifests, though, He feels the exact same way all the time and you'll know who He is just by being in His presence. So, I suppose, also, it doesn't truly matter about what He looks like on your shrine.

I hope that answers your questions (probably more info than you ever asked for) but I'm always open to clarifying things here and otherwise and that goes with anyone who stumbles on my blog. That's why I'm here. Also, yes, please DM whenever you want! I love meeting people. It's my favorite. Talking about this shit is my jam.

#anon ask #deity work #shrine #lokean #norse pagan #devotional polytheism #pagan blog #deity worship #paganblr #norse paganism

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farewellneverland2004 · 2 years ago

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my gripes with ep 1 Phayu

so I came across this post that made me remember my biggest gripe with Phayu at the begining.

Plot-wise, I see why that needed to happen, because unlike everyone else around them, Rain doesn't really Idolize Phayu, in fact, he's semi-jealous because his current crush is enamored by him. Still, he doesn't know the bike bro is Phayu, so he admires him in a different way than others. If he acted nice (like he should've done) and let him know he indeed remembered him, he'd probably just be another admirer from afar. but if Phayu pretended not to remember him when it was only like a day or two ago and they actually talked, he'd have a less than admirable look at Phayu but still recognize him as a flawed person.

while also giving a better excuse as to why Rain didn't hesitate to ask him for help, because he knows more about cars than he does, but since he doesn't remember him, He feels comfortable asking for help from him again. at least, that's how I read it

but character-wise, this seems not only cruel to crushing Rain's spirit but also a way too convoluted and silly plot for a man with Phayu's level of intuition. Like what nitwit tinkers with a guy's car to have an excuse to be their knight in shining leather jacket, yet decides "you know what? I should make the cute guy think I don't remember him instead of just saying the truth that I vividly remember the cutie on the side of the road with a flat tire to maybe idk have a cute little icebreaker talk?"

Like there was no reason for him to think this would actually work out for him in his favor and he just got lucky that Rain is terrible at subtly stealing glances at him. Because for all we know, he could've just been completely willing to accept that he didn't remember him and move on with his life.

If anything, this, along with him fucking with his car should give him the idea that maybe Rain isn't just completely playing hard to get.

Maybe I'm Bias, but I 100% am on Rain's side for the mishap/borderline assault. Phayu! Buddy! you're supposed to be smarter and more mature than this! You genuinely thought that he was supposed to get the hint that you wanted to hook up instead of having him pay money to get his car fixed, when his car was messed up BY YOU!? You're hot! but sometimes people are just stranded in a rainstorm and need a mechanic, and they're willing to pay money for their car to be fixed.

It's not easy for everyone to catch on to the deeper meanings behind "can you pay the price" or whatever. and if you thought he was just clumsily hitting on you, why did ti take you a good head wack before you got the memo that he wasn't looking to sleep with you?

Is that what you think "playing hard to get" is? You're the king of playing hard to get! you should be able to tell the difference I feel.

But, like I said before, I am speaking from the lense of someone who is neurodivergent. So I might just be interpreting things as the way I view interactions with people.

But can someone else tell me if they also agree with this gripe? cause I know that kinda toxic and jackass decisions in the first episode of shows aren't anything new, but I just feel the scene is almost written as if we are supposed to all believe that Rain was the one making mistakes and leading him on because he's supposed to be too dumb to realize how obvious he is about his attraction towards Phayu. And I hate that because not only does that feel like victim blaming, but also excuses Phayu for making a dirt bag decision of trying to sleep with a very confused college student who is verbally telling him to stop and that he was not intentionally throwing himself at him.

like i said before, I love Phayu, but that decision making always pisses me off because it doesn't even really fit with his character.

#love in the air #love in the air series #phayurain #bl gripes #if I hear one more person call Rain stupid again im gonna riot #phayu was the stupid one in ep 1

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mbti-notes · 2 years ago

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Anon wrote: Hello. I hope you are doing well. If possible, I would very much appreciate if you could assist me through assessing which type is more likely to be me. I have been pondering this matter for a while, and I suppose I have managed to narrow down my type to two possibilities: ISFJ and INFJ. I would like to believe that I am almost certain that about having Fe and Ti, and that my type might be the latter (INFJ). However, I wished to receive a distinct perspective from you, because I believe that it might still be possible for me to either have Si as a dominant function, or, the function order to be more different from what I had in mind, thus indicating other type that I had not put into consideration.

For more information, I am 19 years old, and I suspect having clinical depression, anxiety, and autism, as well as trauma and having issues involving difficulty recalling events in the past and lack of attention. Therefore, I believe that these factors could potentially alter the assessment.

Evidence for INFJ:

Introverted Intuition (Ni):

I feel ecstatic when I have a purpose, or something to strive for in my daily life. Ever since I was a child, that was manifested within me as a dream that I ought to achieve. There was an abstract image in my head, where I would be in a state that which not only mostly brought joy and fulfilment to myself, but to other people, too. I felt like I could contribute, somehow, and that I was meant for something rather important. I did not know through which means and processes I had to undergo, and to tell you the truth, that didn't seem to be important to me at the time. As long as I had the results that I wanted, all was well. I also remember me being eager to start working so that I could achieve whatever I had in mind at the time.

On the flip side, when I feel as if I do not know how to proceed without any guidance. I could not help but feel incredibly lost. I have been trying to find something that I can strive for and that is mostly fixed, that will not immediately be modified, because I feel uneasy at the prospect of having a goal that which has its uncertainties. This is why I no longer believe that my existence can be a significant addition to people's lives; they can leave me at any moment, for any reason.

I would like to say that I am able to synthesize information to discover interesting ideas and implications, although, I often felt that my visions hardly concretizes because they are engulfed in imagination. It feels as if my mind is “empty” and murky, and, due to the information I gained, I have a new guess that is seemingly based “out of nowhere”. An example to that would, perhaps, a couple of people that I have known of in an online platform (and it was an one-sided meeting, they likely didn't know anything about my existence. I had a gut feeling that something was very off about them, as well as their attitude. I have not seen people with such a type of behavior before. But, because I did not have any concrete evidence back then, it was just an assumption, and nothing more, so I brushed it off. Months passed, and it turned out that I was right; these two individuals were exposed as gross and despicable.

In general, I have difficulties to make decisions. I guess that, without any fixed values or support, it gets even difficult, because… what are you doing this for? Who are you doing this for? What's the meaning of it all? You are getting tired, and for who, or for what?

I think an example to that would be my studies. I have been needing to talk myself into not succumbing into sleeping and waking up early to review the subjects, because I don't see much purpose in doing that (even though I would find myself satisfied at the ending, for managing to succeed a goal).

I suppose another instance would be the fact that I practically gave up on making friendships in real life within educational settings. Why should I do that? It's not like we are going to keep contact after we are done with our exams. I have a hard time with initiating conversations because I struggle to find anything to talk about, and it is not uncommon for the other party to not reach out, either. Therefore, in most of the cases in my lifetime, this “friendship” is set up to fail due to seemingly mutual lack of interest.

I am always trying to visualize and predict how a situation will play, and, due to that, I end up rehearsing and preparing myself for when it eventually happens. It's as automatic as breathing; it's not something that I can just stop at will. I always try to foresee the “ideal” reactions that others will have at what I do or say, as well as the “ideal” place and time for that. This is why I do not tend to enjoy people who have an often an unpredictable personality, because they make me feel genuine dread. For such people, I take more time to try to guess how my interaction with them will go. Even then, I am not totally confident that the idea that I had in my mind may even become true. Perhaps I am a perfectionist who feels terrible when their ideals are not concretized. An example to that is when I manage to set a scenario in a conversation with people, and it concretizes almost flawlessly, with only a few tolerable changes, I get frustrated when someone or something, that I did not call for to be part of it, decides to interfere by inserting its existence in it, modifying it almost immediately.

As for controlling tendencies… I think I can relate to that, to some degree. My controlling urges manifest as a desire to “fix” something, to go in a different way. An instance would be when someone does something that I find “unacceptable” (even though their action is not really engulfed with ill intent). My initial thoughts are, “That's not how you should behave. That's not how it should go.” However, most of the time, I simply puts such thoughts aside because I know that I should not behave like that.

I suppose the quality of my life is determined by aspirations, yes, and whenever I could not follow them, as well as my ideals that I imposed on myself, I felt as if my life got progressively bad, in a sense. An example is when I wanted to be an artist (mostly for fun, although I did consider it as a possible career one time, only to be discouraged). When it reached a point where I could no longer draw due reasons like lack of motivation, lack of free time, and distaste towards my style, I decided to quit. I felt as if my days got more dull after taking such a decision.

I often find myself feeling as if nothing that I do has any significance — it does not help that I have decided to make nihilism a philosophical part of me, recently. Whenever I contemplate the thought of my future being uncertain, opaque, and not meeting my expectations, I suffer. I fear that the life of happiness and comfort with the people that I adore will never occur, and that I will be stuck in here, in eternal pain, unwanted and unneeded. When I contemplate the thought of not being able to afford a home of my own where I can not only be myself, but also, to be much more happier than I am, it brings a pain to my stomach. I failed at everything that I promised to myself, because my disabilities wouldn't allow me to be an “overachiever” anymore.

I can say that, while do I tend to not have an enjoyable time individuals who were described like that in the guide (“brash”, “shallow”, “fickle”, “narrow-minded”, etc), it should be said that I used to be like that, too. I recognize myself in these descriptions, and, as such, I don't dislike them as much. Still, I don't like to entertain the thought of being perceived as either shallow or narrow-minded, and I make conscious efforts to be not seen like that. My answer on this is twisted and contradictory.

In terms of feedback, one of the only things that would apply to me would be “vague”, “too serious”, “distant” and “unfun”. These were ones that were directly spoken to me, and that I remember.

I remember the fact that me being vague and biased led me to have troubles with my family; they wanted more precise information, not something that could be interpreted wrongly. Therefore, as a result, I forced myself to be as detailed, clear, and precise in my explanations as I could. But that's not something natural.

It is a pattern that I prefer living in my own head instead of being present in the reality. I was even called out on it, saying that not everything is “the perfect fantastic world of my room”, which is where I tend to be most of the time to engulf myself in my daydreaming and find comfort. The reason why such a phrase was associated with me is because, rather than allowing myself to learn essential life skills, I willingly let myself be trapped in my own bubble.

I look at my online friends enjoying themselves in whatever activity they are, and I cannot help bit want to be a part of it to some degree. However, rather than taking any initiative and trying to make new experiences myself, I fantasize about the scenarios of interactions in my head, I encounter me being amused with just their conversations.

As for unrealistic expectations, I suppose an example to that would be my tendency to think that I can still do the things that I used to do as a child, with little to no difficulty. I believe that my disabilities are not “that bad” and that “they won't interfere in my life”, and that I do not require support from other people. It's faulty and illogical, I am aware of that, but I still try to press on, thinking that I can still handle it.

In the same coin, I have also been having the proclivity to see my life as “over”. It's too late for me now, I wasted the opportunities I had. If only I had snatched the chances, if only I were not too fatigued to do such things, if only I had not fooled around during all this time… I shall have to endure the pain now. I doomed myself.

Now, onto my evidences for Se being an inferior function…

Extraverted Sensing (Se):

I appear to have troubles with impatience. When I am forced to stay away from my habitual environment to do something that requires either a lot of processing, or, being aware of my reality, I get restless and irritated, wanting to get over with it as soon as possible so that I can be left alone and/or resume whatever activity I was previously doing, frequently not considering the consequences and repercussions of having such a brash temperament. I guess such a tendency is another reason why I can often be blundering, and this is may be why I often make repeated mistakes.

Whenever I reach a breaking point, I simply need to be left alone, dwelling on the feeling. This has happened several times, where I would cry in front of people due to an undesired change (or an implication of a change) that, to others, did not mean much, but it meant a lot to me. I would feel myself paralyzed, static, unmoving, and almost silent. The intention is not to manipulate others in order to get attention and support. In fact, I do not want their comfort and sympathy at all! I simply wanted to dwell on that for a while, until I felt myself better to proceed. Ignore me and my existence. If you tried to support me, I would most likely not give it a heed, because the world around me is blurry.

I have a policy that, even though it does not work perfectly now, and I know how flawed it may seem, I still cannot seem to let go of it: “Work now, have fun later.”

As a child, I would often place focus on my work. The sooner I finished it, the sooner I could find myself relaxing and enjoying my free time. However, nowadays, I sense a reversion at play; whenever I try to focus on a task involving college, I suddenly decide, “No, this is getting tiring. I am going to listen to music/rest/scroll through social medias/talk to my friends.” And I don't seem to have notion of time passing, so, when the day ends, and I realize that I was not as productive as I wanted to be, I feel guilty, and sometimes even punish myself because of that. I recently decided to implement break sessions to my studies (because I have never had that). But, even then, when I am working, there is this urge to procrastinate even when it's within my study sessions.

Another example would be in this semester in my college. I was so fatigued and fed up with my studies, as well as issues related to my mental health, that I could not find will in myself to give attention to what my teacher was saying in regards to his subject. That was an occasion that was uncharacteristic of me, as I always tried to at least give my utmost focus to my classes and studies, since I appear to lack attention in almost every other area. Abruptly, I decided that I would do well conversing with my online friends in the middle of the lecture. It did not do much, though, as I still felt awful.

I also realized that I have the proclivity to only pay attention to my surroundings in order to complete a goal. Generally speaking, I tend to feel anxious whenever that happens. This is elaborated on my comment about my family calling me “vague”; I forcibly developed the ability to speak in great amounts of details because my explanations were seemingly lacking. On the days of exam, I always tend to quickly and desperately skim through my papers in order to refresh my mind of the details, because I know that it does not matter if I understand the general concept, there might be something in specific that I do not remember that is most likely going to be present in my tests. Other than that, I cannot bring myself to be fully present. The issues were already present even before I found out I often have depressive and dissociative episodes; I was (and I still am) often called out for not being attentive.

Onto the auxiliary…

Extraverted Feeling (Fe):

For example of resisting Fe, I have developed the habit of distancing myself from others whenever I feel as if my presence is not wanted or needed, I am not doing well, but I would rather not tell anyone and simply isolate myself, or that I did something that hurt someone I cared about (regardless of them confirming that directly). I also have been keep my relationships at an arm's length because I fear that, if I get too attached, in the long run, it is going to wound me even further should they leave me (or I decide to leave them, because they wronged me). Nevertheless, I still find myself craving for emotional intimacy, even though I also fear it.

I have a difficult time seeing people having differences and complexities of their own, specially when I see myself in them (or when we are too alike). An instance would be making a type of joke that I think the other person would find amusing because that is what I would find laughable. There have been occasions where I genuinely hurt people with my antics, and that I have not realized that I did that until it was too late. I was under the impression that we were having a good time, and that they were not taking it seriously. I was incorrect in that, however. I can hardly tell whenever I go too far with my jesting, so, because of that, I got into the habit of making little to no jokes, having a “humourless” demeanor in the process. That is something that I am trying to change, however, and I do make sure that the jokes, as unfunny as they may seem at times, are not harmful.

The greatest example that I can provide of overindulging Fe is silently allowing people who are close to me to unintentionally overstep boundaries that which I have established. They are a great addition to my life, and they contribute positively to my happiness. But, sometimes, they will do things that make me uncomfortable without meaning to. And, I quietly endure it whenever that happens, giving excuses to not remind them not to do that, because they are either going through an arduous time, or, the interaction that we are having is very entertaining and joyful… I don't want to ruin it — or make it worse, should they feel bad during the conversation — with my selfish reminders. I am too afraid of doing that, because it's not the right moment. I can certainly handle the discomfort; right now, they are more significant. Their thoughts on me are very important, and I wouldn't want them to think negatively of me in any manner. I often sacrifice my own needs and thoughts in order to meet theirs. I nod to some ideas that they have — reasonable ideas, of course, not those that could be extremely harmful — even though, many times, I don't initially agree with them, or have different thoughts because their concept is not what I had in mind. My values, opinions, and ideals, though seemingly rigid, commonly shift quickly when I meet a new person and I desire them to stay in my life. It's a chance to make a new friend, so, I often try to find common ground between my perspective and theirs, and if I have to change an opinion of mine for that, so be it. I am often dreadful that my friends might despise me in some manner, due to a wrongdoing that I may have done to them at some point. Because of that, in an eventful day, they decide to either leave me behind and cut ties with me, or, severely scrutinize me.

I am afraid that I am not sure if I can provide a great instance of “healthy Fe”. I actually believe that I am quite unhealthy. However, I will try.

In occasions where it is perceived that my Fe is healthier, I frequently give room for others to place their thoughts in situation first, before I say anything. Sometimes, I will even incorporate some of their takes and concepts into my belief system, sucking them like a sponge (although, I am aware that type of behavior can, too, be considered unhealthy). I will try to understand their side to the best of my capabilities. This means a lot for someone like me, who, admittedly, tends to be quite self-centered and does not often regard other people's views. This part of me got diminished over the years, however, due to me willfully wishing to change that. I have a more fair comprehension of people, holding a less partial nature, and being more respectful of their boundaries and wishes. I will do antics if it means I can put on a smile in another person's face.

Now, onto the next function…

Introverted Thinking (Ti):

For a moment, I thought I would be a thinking type because I have been shown to be logical-driven; I often put emphasis on reason, and on things that make sense. Yet, whenever my seemingly sound declarations are put into question, or, I sense that someone is judging me with a criticizing tone, I flinch in fear, because I cannot quite explain further than what I had planned to say. This logic is mostly performative, it is based by other people's reactions.

Whenever people would praise me, they would mention my “intelligence”. And, to tell you the truth, I was proud to know that. It basically went over my head. And, nowadays, being as self-deprecating as I am, I genuinely reached a point where I see being smart as my only redeemable trait, the only thing that I am actually positive about myself. If I am not even intellectually exceptional, then… I don't have anything to talk about myself as a person in a positive light.

I am a fairly emotional and sensitive person, and, like I previously said on a few occasions as while writing this, I am terribly self-centered. That combination is not great, because that would mean that I could not feel joy for a friend who was happy for something good happened to them, when I was suffering. I was mostly thinking about how I was feeling, and that I wanted the person to feel the same.

I learnt, though harshly, that having intense emotions to certain topics, as well as being as egotistical as I used to be, wouldn't do me good. People could take advantage of that, or get away from me. In situations where I would explode in anger during arguments (justifiably or not), such a reaction only made the situation worse on my end. So, I decided to try to supress my emotions at once, thus making myself appear detached to them, and emphasizing rationality. And, I could not see that not expressing them properly could be unhealthy in any manner. I often think how I am aware of my flaws and my wrongdoings, but, when it comes to emotions, I simply put them aside. “I don't get upset easily. What else do you want to know about it?”

I adopted the principle of being impartial to most topics unless I have a deep understanding on things, because “that is the most logical thing to do”, and, “I would rather not share my immediate opinion on something until I have enough information than to quickly form a view on something I may not be knowledgeable at all.” That's hasty, and we don't want to do that, my view may immediately and probably suffer change as I gain information, and in order to not be perceived as someone who modifies their thoughts in the blink of an eye, I would rather just watch and see. Until I have fully comprehended it, I will not speak at all. I would take it to such an extreme that I often disregard my initial feelings on the matter in other to be as neutral as I can.

I have this desire of being as accurate in my judgment as I can, not only in order to make me proud, but in order to please others, too. The more precise, the better, is what I tend to think, because it is more efficient and brings more satisfying results in this manner, even if it may be energetically draining at times.

Now, here is my argument for why ISFJ could be plausible.

Evidence for ISFJ:

Introverted Sensing (Si):

I often feel comfortable when something in the concrete world happens exactly as I expected it to happen, and I get immediately thrown off by sudden changes. When I don't know what to do in a new situation that which is unlike anything I have ever experienced, I almost immediately find myself shaking. An example to that would be the time where I had to take the train to go to a course of mine from a different track by myself. I was feeling quite desperate, because I did not know that, regardless of which track it could take, such a vehicle would lead you to the same path. This information never came to me about that because it was assumed that I already knew of such a thing.

I am not certain if I can fully relate to the “when feeling low, I compare my negative experiences in the past with my positive experiences in the past” statement. Perhaps, as an instance, I could attribute that to my frequent astonishment whenever I speak to literally anyone I have not spoken in a good while. I perceive their changes in their physics, as well as their personality, and I compare to what they were like when I first met them. Sometimes, the alterations are so drastic that it does not feel like I'm speaking to the same person! It feels a little odd, to tell you the truth. Then, I compare myself, and I notice that… I may not have changed a lot. Sometimes, that makes me feel a little upset, because I feel like I should change to some degree, too, but there is this sensation that I am “stuck”, somehow, and that I am unable to proceed in life because of that.

In terms of feedback, I was called stubborn and narrow-minded a few times because I would often go do things in my way, even if they were made in the “wrong” way. It is simply because I got used to do it in such a manner. An example to that would be my family teaching me how to clean the floor with a broom. I guess it's because of my carelessness with physicality that I cannot quite sweep exactly in the way they want me to sweep, but, I cannot quite seem to stop doing it, even when I know that it is not in that way.

I would say that, although I do enjoy to have some routine in order to bring a sensation of stability to my life, I am not fully averse to change. However, it ought to occur in my terms, or be something minor (and even then, I am not always pleased at the possibility from the latter statement).

A manner at which I acquire knowledge is when I recognize patterns and immediately assume that it's going to happen like this because of experience. For example, whenever someone quietly stares at me in a certain way, due to something that I most likely did “wrong”, I swiftly assume they are going to speak something, and if I know the answer, I respond to their unspoken question as soon as possible because, as well as not handling the silent judgment, it has always been like this. For other example, I notice that, for food that I have never tasted, I take a look at its texture, appearence, and smell, and envision the taste in my mouth. When I do that, I tend to compare the possible flavor it has with the flavors of any dishes that I have had in the past before even trying it. This way, I immediately have an assumption of what it is like, and whether I will most likely be prone to enjoy or dislike the nourishment.

I like to go with already established procedures because, as well as providing a sensation of security and familiarity, it is more efficient to go by them, as thinking of alternative processes to take can be quite taxing. Even if the standard instructions do not always work for me, I still try to follow them.

Now, for the inferior function…

Extraverted Intuition (Ne):

I am a person who tends to mostly see only the negative outcomes that a possible action can lead to. Sometimes, in moments of stress, I will allow myself to indulge in more optimistic scenarios. Although, these thoughts are short-lived, and in a matter of seconds, I find myself falling into the urge of being pessimistic once again, automatically thinking of the worst and mentally preparing myself for it (assuming that I cannot avoid it). An example to that could be when teachers in high school go with an approach to their tests and exams that which differs from the standard. I don't remember if they warned beforehand, but, I think they did not do that. I break down because I am certain that I will fail, and thus repeat the year, and that makes me awfully afraid of how my future is going to turn out.

Admittedly, describing what an inferior Ne looks like to me is where it gets tricky, because I feel as if I either have not experienced an Ne grip at all, or, my bad memory makes it arduous to recall if I have had any more moments of grip, or, it is actually because Ne is not present at all (or it is actually a higher function). Hence, this is why this argument looks short. However, I still believed the possibility for ISFJ due to the fact that I believe that I have some similar tendencies that Si dominant users tend to have.

That is it. Thank you very much for reading it thus far. I hope that my analysis has followed the correct requirements for the assessment.

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I don't think dominant Si and inferior Ne fit very well, whereas INFJ functions fit better. I agree that INFJ is most likely correct.

#ask #assessment

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