#{ wake me up when it's all over; mom }
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Visit Tumblr Blog
Explore Tumblr blogs with no restrictions, modern design and the best experience.
Last Seen Tumblr Blogs
Fun Fact
Tumblr has a low social media market share in South America.
Text
no promises anymoooooreeeee i'll appear online when i appear online 😭 every time i say "ooh i think life is almost done being overwhelming!" it. becomes even more overwhelming in the dumbest ways. all i can manage rn when i'm not stressing myself into a shut-down state is staring at the wall while listening to youtube essays + mindlessly crocheting.
i might queue up ppls art and fics w/o commentary in the tags... i want other ppl to see what all of my cool friends have made, but i genuinely can't think right now with this monstrous brain fog. i'm really sorry, just. yeah. maybe i'll think of some way to make it up later!!! once the dust has settled!!!! but until then i wuv u and miss u. smiles.
[venting in tags including familial manipulation and ableism. i. didn't mean to write all of that, thiss was originally going to be a main blog post but. aaaaaAAAAAA!!!!!
also no need for replies or anything, i'd turn them off for just the one post if i could kjsndkn, i just needed to get things out and go eep jsjndsfdn ok bye bye bye bye!!!!]
#goddd my family finds it sooooooo funny that i can't do basic tasks! it's soooo funny that i can't even think of a horror movie to watch#on halloween bc i genuinely can't remember a single one right now. it's soooo funny that i can't take cardboard boxes or#old furniture out of my room without help bc i've physically and mentally and emotionally burnt out for Months.#and me not being able to move shit out after two (2) days makes me a hoarder somehow. and ofc hoarding is a moral failing#and my mom has to give me a stern talking-to about hoarding things... that were. again. in my room for 2 days....#[tbc it isnt a moral failing no matter the reason. life is hard and things happen and it can be hard to get rid of things for Reasons.]#nevermind them making constant snide remarks about me using ugly 'mismatched' desk / storage furniture. bc it was free / cheap? no income??#AND!!!!! i have a couple of new diagnoses. which doesn't change much day to day but it does make my family making fun of me#even more dumbfounding. like. this explains a lot of really scary unexplained symptoms that constantly leave me#housebound for weeks but uhhh haha hehe hoho??? so silly so funny that i'm barely conscious for multiple weeks???#and you can see that i'm getting worse but that makes it funnier??? hmm!!!#also nevermind that i've told them the exact reason why i've been like this (read: them) but that ALSO makes it funnier somehow.#but i also can't say shit bc they're doing something ~nice~ for me (out of convenience + after almost a decade of 'don't get comfortable'#and 'don't decorate this room bc it isn't yours' and 'you need to be ready to move out by x date'#only for the date to arrive and them to pull the 'i never said that. and if i did say it i didn't mean it like that.#and if i did mean it like that i don't anymore.' card. + any big renovations are things they wanted anyway. hmmmm!!#and how i have to do all of the phys labor alone bc if i ask for help i get made fun of!!! and yelled at that i'm doing things Wrong#(hint: i'm following instructions to the letter but. my family knows better than those silly things!! ^^ ))#jfc i sure did rant. uh. yeah. things. are really weird and uncomfy and i feel thankful that i finally can have my own things on display#outside of closets and bins again after a decade?? but i'm also waiting for the other shoe to drop / them to tell me i owe them in#some way??? bc that's how it works. 'i'm doing a nice thing you didn't even ask me for so now you have to do whatever i tell you to.'#meanwhile i can't even maladaptive daydream my way through it bc my brain is soup right now. can't remember basic things abt#my interests bc i've been on negative battery / spoons for a couple of months straight and it's only getting worse.#OKAY TLDR i'm not in a state to do anything until everything irl gets settled. and i'm trying So Hard to get it all over with but there's#only so much i can do in a day before i completely shut down. i didn't even get into the insurance stuff i've been fighting too ughhhh.#so if i show up on here in short spurts -- hi! bye! hi!! i wuv and care u!!! hope youre well mwah mwah!!!!!!! i'll post what i can and then#disappear when i need to recharge. it is what it is. i need to try to sleep now... uh if this post disappears when i wake up.... yeah......#📌 [ my posts. ]#💭 [ my thoughts. ]#vent -
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
it's been since my early 20s that I had in-person friends to actually hang out with regularly. and idk how to word it exactly, but making a push last year to actively try and forge friendships in person was such a good idea
I'd been missing that sense of physical community for so long and I finally feel like I have it back. and it's just a boon to my soul!!
#[static]#i love love love my friends from all over the world and im always longing to hang out with you all in person#i love that we've all found ways to be close despite distance! be it games or hanging out or calls or sending each other fun stuff#my brain was suffering big time not having ppl directly in front of me (besides my wonderful beloved husband)#and now i wake up every morning with many messages from my local friends and we hang out weekly if not more#it's just .... nice to finally have found community!! i moved right 2 months before covid so there were years where it was just me n percy-#- holding on for dear life but now we have ppl who we can hang out with together and make memories with!#we're both pretty introverted but ya still need some sort of human contact now and again haha#there were a couple years there where the only time id get a message it was just from my mom and that was it fkjghd#i had stopped messaging old friends from my old city because they never replied back and i got tired of reaching out after a couple years#everyones got their own battles to fight and all that i just got really bummed out trying to keep connections going when it felt one-sided
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
…ok so I got inspired <3
.
.
.
Thesis in the tags
#OKAY SO HEAR ME OUT#Amelia is probably the most jealous person to ever relationship.#but it comes naturally ONLY for Javi. she never got jealous while dating Ollie or any of the previous partners.#but when she started dating javi—something flipped a switch in her and BOI OH BOI DID SHE GET. JEALOUS. OF EVERYTHING.#which kinda sucks because Javi is a music sensation and POPULAR 😭#and she’s Horny. SO. so. SO. horny. like. maybe it’s the Rafkonian biology but if he wakes her up in the middle of the night#saying ‘babe I’m horny’ she just. fucking. would go down on him. then and there.#LIKE SHE WOULD SEE HIM TAKING A PEACEFUL BATH AND GO ‘i wanna fuck you slide over’#and the exhibitionist kink 😭😭 don’t even get me started on that.#Javi was always a mama’s boy so he is THE best at cooking. his mom is even better. (typical desi mom Rina 😭👍🏻)#and so he makes them food. and she does the dishes because his prosthetics don’t let him do watery work good.#Amelia isn’t good with lovey dovey words. Javi is a POET.#HE TOLD HER HE LOVED HER BY WRITING HER A SONG#AND TELLING HER ‘you are the very oxygen i breathe’.#and he waited for her confession for three years 😭 for her to fall in love with him and for her to tell him she loved him#and like#idk man#also she steals all of his clothes.#Javi got vvv annoyed once realising she doesn’t have ANY super loose sweatshirts and comfortable things to wear. not even pyjamas.#(she used to prefer sleeping naked) but ever since she discovered Javi’s oversized hoodies… that fit juuust perfectly. theresno going back.#ever#anyway thank you for coming to my ted talk :D#they’re sooooo in love your honor I cant~#power rangers#power rangers dino fury#amelia jones#Javi garcia#cosmic fury#power rangers cosmic fury#dino fury
11 notes
·
View notes
Text
screaming into the void <3
#my best friends boyfriend (who i’ve also been friends with for years) is just. not himself rn#we think it’s a manic episode but we don’t really know but it’s. terrifying lowkey#he thinks he’s genuinely jesus and that he’s conquered time and that he and my bsf are adam and eve#he’s been sending my bsf liek hundreds of texts per day since tuesday but it got really really bad and incoherent yesterday#and i woke up this morning to see multiple texts from gcs he created w me in them#and he keeps being like ‘because it’s 6:20 this is true’ and like ‘i know that at 9 pm everyone is gonna understand’#and he’ll text like 5 times then send a sc of what he just texted like that proves something but it’s all nonsense#i’m just really really concerned cause he really needs help but i don’t know how to ensure that happens cause he’s 19. not a minor#he’s just. not him rn. he’s called my bsf multiple times yesterday when he HATES calling normally#he had his band and his mom over in his apartment yesterday cause my bsf called his mom and h went to his bands show but was visibly not ok#and he saw nothing weird about it even tho he hates having ppl over normally and never without warning#and you can’t get him to see logic because everything you say he just twists around to work for him#to be clear it was not this bad when it started. when it started it seemed like normally maybe slightly out there conclusions he was drawing#but it just got worse and worse like exponential decay and really bad yesterday#he also didn’t sleep at all yesterday night and idk if he slept tonight#i know his mom took his phone at one point but he texted me and gcs w me in it starting at like 6:20 this morning#and my bsf and i and friends are on a trip out of state rn but we’re leaving today and i don’t wanna wake her up until i have to because#this is literally hell for her. but it’s just. scary. i don’t know what to do. i don’t think there’s any good options really for me rn#i want to warn ppl and try to explain he’s Not Him rn so they don’t get concerned but who knows if they’ll understand what i’m trying to say#i know it’s not the end of the world but it really feels like the end of my world as i know it if that makes sense#and my bsf lives with him in an apartment near their college and they just signed the lease for the next year#but she can’t stay there with him alone. not until he gets help. we’re all too scared it’s going in the directon where he thinks it’s better#for ppl to go to the afterlife. which like he never would normally. but he’s Not Him and so like. who knows#he keeps talking about all these different dimensions and how you need to travel to the 7th dimension to understand#my bsf was crying yesterday and she called her mom to explain and she keeps saying that she just wants her jake back it’s really scary#cause he will probably never be the same again. he’ll be similar but different but she wants his comfort but he’s Not Him. and can’t give it#i just. really want this to get better but it’s so hard to see that happening rn
11 notes
·
View notes
Text
i'm so fucking stressed out
#dude my dog had acl repair surgery in march#she's healed fine with that but developed stomach issues#so she's been back and forth to the vet with that#and now when i was at work she just randomly started walking weird as fuck. she kicks her leg that was operated on backwards as she walks#and sometimes looses balance in both legs#and then when i pick her up she acts like it hurts her spine or something#i'm gonna wake up in 4 hours to call the vet and see if they can see us today and pray that this isn't something that she'll need surgery#for again#i also am supposed to work tomorrow and then friday we have a rehearsal dinner and then saturday the wedding which is two hours away.#vets closed on sunday so if she can't get seen tomorrow it'll be a whole new fiasco trying to get her helped somewhere else#this dog is my lifeline like it#ruins me#seeing her like this#genuinely if i didn't have her i wouldnt be here#it's so hard to watch her not even be able to walk#but it's so fuckinf weird bc my mom said she was just laying in her bedroom and she came back out doing it? there's nothing she could've#gotten into it just makes no fuckinf sense#like it's possible either her kneecap or her acl implant thing popped out of place but#she stiffens her entire body when i pick her up#and she acts like she's losing balance#it's so fucking weird#i'm also terrified that i'm about to get told she has some kind of onset of neurological problems and she'll have to get put down#or something along those lines#it's just too much rn#pls keep my doggy in ur thoughts#we just spent 3k on her surgery in march if she has to get operated on again first of all the recovery process all over again sounds like#a nightmare#but just the cost alone#i'm gonna FUCKING KILL MYSELF
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
its so embarassing likee. going to talk abt a feeling you have but you already know ppl will be like Oh that sounds like depression lol and its like. well yes . i know . trust me i am so aware i am depressed . but its still like a thing ive been thinking abt and wanting to talk abt but ik itll just be like Ok hun 👍. idk idk what response i would want tho ig FNFNFNF
#not anything serious i was just thinking how like. idk. this is gonna sound rly stupid#but for me personally like. sometimes. How do i phrase this without sounding rly evil#i think obv ppl can spend their money however they want but like. its kind of hard 4 me to grasp sometimes like. there r things that ppl#spend a lot of money on bc it makes them happy like umm. vacations or pets or hobbies or whathaveyou. and obviously thats fine but#i iust feel like its all so. temporary and like. idk. idt im ohrasing this right at all i just likee. the thought of working all year to#afford to take a vacation and then working again to afford another vacation just makes me feel like i want to die. like. idk... i like#vacations we dont need to go on them a lot but ig its just like. everything we do just feels like a waste of time. not in like a Ohh you#should be doing more work Obviously its just like. idk. maybe it is just me. but i feel like im just waiting until i die and can be done#with it i guess. and everything i do is just to fill time until that happens. yk ? which is silly bc of my whole. Thing i cant talk abt#but ppl talk abt like. going out and partying or going on vacation or whatever and i like. I like those things its nice when they happen#but they dont rly make me longterm any happier i guess. everything just feels like another thing im doing. idk. this rly isnt coming out the#way it is in my head. and Again i know this is just depression shit or whatever im just like. its all exhausting. it just makes me feel so#tired. to think abt working and working and working so i can pay to be alive and i can save to do one fun thing every so often to keep me#sane enough to keep working and working and working and i probably wont ever be able to retire itll just be. work. and then ill die. yk.#but i feel like the vacations and stuff dont like. refresh me very much. maybe its just bc ive only been on one 'vacation' as an adult and#it was just like. coming home to see my family. and realizing id have to move back home yk..#+ like. my mom nd my gran taking me out for a weekend when i lived up there#nd those things were nice and all but once its over its like. it doesnt fuel me to keep going it doesnt make me feel any better abt having#to work for the rest of my life#ik im being ridiculous bc im literally unemployed and i cant even get up off my ass to get my stupid fucking ged so i can get a job and be#Useful to my family its just like. idk.... i try so hard to be like Oh nothing mayters and thats why everything matters type thing like. Yes#all things end and the point is to just try to be happy until it does#but i feel like it just doesnt happen for me. i feel like any happiness i feel is so insanely like. it happens and then its gone. and its#back to just. the knowledge that im still fucking stuck here. and i will be until it happens. yk. i play video games tomoass the time until#i go back to sleep then i wake up and i make a spreadsheet to pass the time until i go back to sleep#and everyday just feels like passing the time until i go back to sleep and itll just keep going until it happens. and its nice to have nice#days but whats like. the point. yk. everything just ends#IDK. this is all very whiny im sry. ive just been feeling it a lot lately . i hope this doesnt feel like me being like Ohhh you ppl r so#dumb participating in hobbies and going out and having fun dont you know yr gonna DIE? thats not what im trying to be like#its just like. i feel like it doesnt make me as happy as it does other ppl like. none of it refreshes me or makes me want to keep going
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
i found happiness in 1 cup of boba and god decided to punish me for it tenfold
#its almost 10 we just arrived home + hunger pains + my mom was being so unreasonable w our taxi driver#i'm so tired and frustrated and getting upset over non issues. like how i planned in my head to make soup but my mom was like lets open a#can of tuna. i come downstairs and she gives me egg. literally not a big deal but i started crying so i rubbed my eyes#and forgot i touched chili peanuts so my eyes started stinging.#and before i ate my charger for my dead phone wasnt working unless i consistently pressed it superrr hard into the socket PLEASE.#fuck sia#not even in a suicidal way but thinking abt how exhausted ill be tomorrow makes me not want to wake up tomorrow . PLEASE GODDDD#me when i get my ass beat during late november and all of december#give me a break#rant#negative
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#(( ooc. ))#venting tw#negativity tw#i know ive been bitching about this a lot lately but just let a girl vent pls#husband just got home and said 'you look tired you should go lie down '#and i told him i cant. i have too much housework to do. 'well lay down after that '#cant. because then i have more housework after that.#and he got all huffy at me like i was being dramatic#and he said 'how am i supposed to snuggle up with you if you arent laying down? c#and i shot back ' who's going to do the housework if i dont '#and he rolled his eyes. straight up rolled his eyes.#this is the man that is constantly telling me to just ask him for more help. just make a list#yelled at me and stormed out of the house whej i told him to pls just use his eyes#bc i dont have time to make him a list of chores#and also the man who if i do ask him to do smth it doesnt get done#examples just from today. he was heading into town and i asked him to please bring the recycling with him. he didnt.#he yells at me for doing the cat litter bc its bad for my asthma. but then leaves it until its bad enough i have to do it#bc its unfair to the cats to expect them to use a litter box that bad. and then he gets mad at me for not just asking him to do it#like. its in the bathroom. right next to the toilet. he has to look at it when hes taking a shit every day. and youre telling me#he doesnt notice it? i have to remind him???#and then i get yelled at and reprimanded for just doing it myself#' ASK FOR HELP DAMMIT! '#i do. i do all the fucking time. i ask you to empty the garbage bc bending over makes my back scream. but you dont#and i have to power through and do it.#i ask you to bring the recycling into town to drop off. and as soon as you leave i find out you didnt even gather it up.#i ask you to please clear out the bathtub drain. for two weeks. and you brush it off until the day i decide to#do it myself and you get so passive aggressive about it and ' no ILL DO IT. the tool is back in my mom's room#guess I'll just go WAKE HER UP FROM HER NAP so i can grab it since you need it done! '#im so tired of asking and then just being disappointed anyway.#if im gonna get yelled at anyway id rather just do it all myself so at least its done. and not sit there and beg for help and do it anyway
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
you know when you’re suicidal like 99 percent of the time but then some random thing comes and hits you and you just struggle so much with mortality and you want to live forever so bad
#i was watching suite life of all things and this fuckin honda commercial comes on and it’s like we’re gonna be carbon neutral by 2050#or something like that and i was like nice. then i was like ..2050. i probably wont be alive in 2050.. 2050 is in 27 years#in 27 years i’ll be 55. my mom will be… and my pets w.. and no one will remember me when i die#and i guess it doesn’t even matter but doesn’t it?? doesn’t it matter what we do with our time here?? but then again it doesn’t matter..#matthew perry is dead and my ex is dead and my dogs are dead and muriel from suite life is dead and nothing matters but Doesn’t It?#doesn’t everything actually matter so so much???? don’t i even care that i’m wasting my life? there’s so much life to live and i’m sitting#here watching a kids show from 2005? don’t i care what i do with my life? don’t i care that it’s almost over???#and that’s what’s been spinning around in my head aaaalllll fucking day since i saw that commercial and i’m distraught even though i know#i’ll wake up tomorrow like i wish i didn’t but fr. don’t things matter. like they do. they do so much. everything matters so fucking much😔
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
My body went numb a little and I’m stressed, cause I hope everything is not coming back and I’m afraid to go to sleep (cause you know I’ll feel it more since I’m not distract and I will panic) but I have to wake up in 2 hours for Puppy’s pills so I have to so sleep now 😭
#I hate being home alone that’s why I can’t leave my parents house even my dad would prefer I did (not seriously) jdidnjd#I weirdly don’t feel tired I think it’s cause I took a mini nap#even if I don’t actually sleep if I take a nap it’s like I slept 10 hours idk why#my body should allow me to have nap more often#I feel like I’m gonna panic and at 4am i still won’t be asleep so Pups gonna have his pills a little earlier#it’s suppose to be at 5 cause that’s the time my dad go to work during the week so we have a schedule#but on weekend if we wake up at 4am (or still awake in my case) we give it or sometime my parents préférer to wake up at 6am and give it#I don’t cause if the sun is up I can’t go back to sleep easily 5 is good#the pills are every 8 hours so it’s okay if there’s an hours less / more in between#that’s a think that stress me out when I’ll start working it’s 5am-1pm-9pm so what’s going to happen at 1pm if no one’s home 😭#my mom do have a fix work schedule now so we could do 7-3-11 instead since my dad is home 4pm max#but my mom old job had a schedule all over the place it would have been messy unless I would have one fix myself#anyway going to sleep and I hope my body is just tired of being in the same 2 position most of the day#at least my eye dosen’t hurt anymore there’s that !#goodnight !#alex.txt
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
^^
#i love how yesterday my mom tells me why don’t you take advantage of these new days off work to be productive. go to the gym get stuff done.#then before i even wake up i am given dog duty for the foreseeable future that nobody has taken over for me#how am i supposed to do anything when i am watching the puppy all day!!#it’s 1pm and i’m still in my pajamas and i feel like shit. but whatever
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
general anasthesia is a trip
#i have a great dentist 5 min walk from my house who's treated my teeth many many times over most of my life but now i'm too ill to stand it#so i had to drag my ass 1h and spend literally three months worth of my disability money to get it done in my sleep#and afterwards the assholes there kept rushing me sit up and start walking so i wouldn't be occupying the post op room for too long until#they saw i'm leaving the place in a wheelchair cause i can't walk more than a couple steps so soon after waking up#then they changed their tune#not when my mom explained everything about the state my body is in to all the doctors and nurses beforehand#I'm young and i don't look very ill so i'm probably just lazy and wanna sleep and occupy the room right#you'd think for that kind of money you'd be paying for some better bedside manners than that
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
i love having the weirdest dreams napping on the couch
#not really but#my first dream i started to lucid dream while we were walking through a parking lot#i started to fly and the dream was glitching as i realized i was dreaming and it kind of freaked me out so i just forced myself to wake up#but then the second dream was also weird#my parents and i were driving through the old rich side of town at night and we pulled into the parking lot of this bed and breakfast place#and we got out and it seemed normal albeit dark to me but my mom seemed scared and kept telling my dad she heard someone laughing#we got up to our room and my dad went to go do something so it was just me and my mom#we were also rooming with this guy for some reason but he was nice#i was just sitting on a chair and the guy was walking to the door when suddenly the door opened and he was like who’s there#and the person at the door was silent for a bit before closing it really quickly and saying sorry#the guy was like uhh 🤷♀️ idk what just happened my#and my mom was like go shut the door but when i went to shut it it had all of these contraptions and mechanisms#it was strange and then my dad was like let me back in and so i did and he talked to my mom for a bit about the strange things going on#he said the old owner liked to collect antiques and stuff and he thinks the place is haunted#my mom was like well i told you that i heard laughing in the parking lot#then guy that we were sharing the room with comes out of his room with bandages all over his face and i’m like what#my mom says something to him and then another guy (the same guy from before) comes out looking just like him just without bandages#and my mom is like i can help and i was like what#the guy takes off his bandages and he’s like it’s my teeth#but also side note i was weirdly struck by how handsome he was for an older man#but then my dream decided to focus on my mom like twisting and fixing his teeth into the right place#weirdly enough i wasn’t freaked out by it but it was just interesting#anyway that’s my dream i need to stop napping on that couch#dianna.moon
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
Its 'i woke up too early and fell back asleep and had a crazy dream' day 🙃
#two dreams actually! i was still too tired after the first one#where i had moved into a block of flats? in which i had one of my managers share a kitchen with?#and in the magical world of dream land i had a drive thru window#and i dreamt i was working bc i do that too much and then an angry customer comes up and says something angrily#like he's stood in front of this car at the window and i get scared and turn for my mom (because the family all moved into this flat)#and when i do over to her thjs guy at the dining table (dont know who or why he was there) and he grabs my wrist and presses a knife to it#nothing happens injury wise because apparently im more worried about the guy at the window and i just shrug this guy off#and the dream ends when the guy at the window pulls out a gun and starts shooting but i wake up before anyone can get hurt :)#and the second dream! was about a scarecrow#i feel like its an actual movie bc that what the dream told me it was? like we were on the island where they shot the movie#and the scarecrow was still in the water#so we're on this boat ride (one of those touristy ones with a slide) and im hanging on for dear life bc wtf the scarecrow is in the water#and my stepdad had told me there's this really scary scene where he reveals his like. hollow face behind the mask/hood thing#and one fun detail that didn't end up being important is that he's meant to be scared of carved pumpkins?#like there's a border around the island keeping him in the water#and this is a fun detail because my brain only included it bc in between the dreams i checked my notifications#and someone was looking for a pokemon called a pumpkaboo for the next gym and it stuck in my brain bc idk what that was#so ah yes halloween pumpkins and scarecrows in February. thanks brain#but yeah after the boat ride the island floods and allows the scarecrow to come on land#(which was p smart kudos to u scary brain)#and we're all declared as missing bc idk we werent meant to leave the boat place or something when the flood came#and then brain finds all the action boring and skips straight to both my dad and stepdad bringing us back to the flat to mom#where i assume we probably live happily ever after but idk that flat was creepy and felt very unsafe#i do like that brain thought it was necessary to include it in both dreams rather than. yknow. the house we actually live in.#but if anyone wants to analyse those you're more than welcome too hehe ive always found that interesting
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
my hands FUCKING HURTTTTT
#and my left pinky keeps lockin and it hurts so bad and idk what to dooo#i have genuinely been in constant pain for over a year now#but its not THAT bad i think its like a normal amount of pain like i think if i talked about it to my mom shed be like ok so what#and id be like nothin ig just complainin and then id go to my room and cry#i need to call the doctor i should anyways cause i NEED to be on antidepressants or SOMETHING but i genuinely cant get myself to call#and my mom wont help me so ig whenever i manage to call thats when itll happen im pretty sure im gonna die before then#im so sad and my head hurts and my heart hurts and my HANDS hurt my brain hurts and i see people in the dark and i always feel like im bein#followed n touched and i hear murmurin and random fuckin sounds that make NO sense#I HEAR EGGS BREAKIN!! some kinda fuckin fuzz?? static?? sometimes i hear people SCREAM and it wakes me up like i feel it in my ears#ive been so chill about it though#but theres people in my house and i am scared of them cause i know they want to hurt me and my mom is. makin things worse#shes tryna be nice n chill now i think cause she feels guilty about how bad she upset me but honestly that could be wishful thinkin maybe#she just doesnt care and is just in a good mood.#i been havin violent thoughts n made genuine suicide plans and im watchin myself do all this with detached concern#ill be out anywhere n see shit n be like i wonder if id die i wonder if i could die#im havin a bad time#i feel like i dont even really exist#idk what to do#i feel completely paralyzed
0 notes
Text
Had a particularly rotten case of “my dreams are real and trying to eat me” last night and I just don’t know how much longer I can put up with this shit actually
#like first off the temperature was an awful mix of freezing but i kept waking up every hour drenched in sweat#so it was like. i didnt want the blanket on cuz id get hot but i was shivering grrr#and i couldnt escape the dreams easily and slept in very very late#but it was like this dream where it was my birthday and there was a party at a very tall hotel#and there was like a massive line of people all the way to the top and they had presents for me#and i felt really special cuz damn i didnt know so many people could actually care but i also felt like i deserved to die#cuz thats just an excessive amount of people and itll take forever for me to get to them all#I was climbing the stairs with my parents and the first 50 floors were just ppl unrelated to my birthday and they were really mad at me#cuz the party was ruining their home and there was like poison sludge we had to crawl through at one point#and we stopped for a break and these two guys passed by talking like ‘i wonder whose birthday it is i bet theyre ugly and disgusting’#i never made it to my party though. instead i ended up stuck in bed on a cold scary night#i could hear my dad breaking in and putting presents in my bed but i couldnt react#and when i woke up he was doing all these ‘thoughtful’ things for me but they were actually really annoying#like he laid out clothes for me to wear but they were like church clothes and they didnt even fit#and he started rummaging through my closet making a huge mess saying he was looking for his scarf#and that i mustve taken it and i kept saying that ive never even seen his stupid scarf stop digging through my shit#but he didnt listen and didnt find anything obviously but made a huge mess and he said i needed to hurry up and get ready already#but i couldnt find my actual clothes and i had to clean now and i was really frustrated#my mom said to stop ruining everything by being mad at my dad hes just being nice hes just being nice hes just being nice#he organized the party just for me but i didnt even want a party and i kept having to take over and clean up his mistakes#it wasnt even my birthday except actually it was except actually it wasnt it was it wasnt#i was trapped in an office being chased i was drowning i was being watched i was being bullied#i woke up in my dark scary bed but i was still dreaming but was i? was it my birthday? i wish i had presents#i dont know whats real or fake anymore its all the same anyways just dark cold and gray with no escape
0 notes