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mostlysignssomeportents · 3 days ago

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How to have cancer

THIS WEEKEND (November 8-10), I'll be in TUCSON, AZ: I'm the GUEST OF HONOR at the TUSCON SCIENCE FICTION CONVENTION.

I've got cancer but it's probably (almost certainly, really) okay. Within a very short period I will no longer have cancer (at least for now). This is the best kind of cancer to have – the kind that is caught early and treated easily – but I've learned a few things on the way that I want to share with you.

Last spring, my wife put her arm around my waist and said, "Hey, what's this on your rib?" She's a lot more observant than I am, and honestly, when was the last time you palpated your back over your left floating rib? Sure enough, there was a lump there, a kind of squishy, fatty raised thing, half a centimeter wide and about four centimeters long.

I'm a 53 year old man with a family history of cancer. My father was diagnosed with lymphatic cancer at 55. So I called my doctor and asked for an appointment to have the lump checked over.

I'm signed up with Southern California Kaiser Permanente, which is as close as you come to the Canadian medicare system I grew up under and the NHS system I lived under for more than a decade. Broadly speaking, I really like KP. Its app – while terrible – isn't as terrible as the other apps, and they've taken very good care of me for both routine things like vaccinations and checkups, and serious stuff, like a double hip replacement.

Around the time of The Lump, I'd been assigned a new primary care physician – my old one retired – and so this was my first appointment with her. I used the KP app to book it, and I was offered appointments six weeks in the future. My new doc was busy! I booked the first slot.

This was my first mistake. I didn't need to wait to see my PCP to get my lump checked over. There was really only two things that my doc was gonna do, either prod it and say, "This is an extremely common whatchamacallit and you don't need to worry" or "You should go get this scanned by a radiologist." I didn't need a specific doctor to do this. I could have ridden my bike down to the KP-affiliated Urgent Care at our local Target store and gotten an immediate referral to radiology.

Six weeks go by, and my doc kind of rolls the weird lump between her fingers and says, "You'd better go see a radiologist." I called the Kaiser appointment line and booked it that day, and a couple weeks later I had a scan.

The next day, the app notified me that radiology report was available in my electronic heath record. It's mostly technical jargon ("Echogenic areas within mass suggest fatty component but atypical for a lipoma") but certain phrases leapt out at me: "malignant masses cannot be excluded. Follow up advised."

That I understood. I immediately left my doctor a note saying that I needed a biopsy referral and set back to wait. Two days went by. I left her a voice message. Another two days went by. I sent another email. Nothing, then a weekend, then more nothing.

I called Kaiser and asked to be switched to another Primary Care Physician. It was a totally painless and quick procedure and within an hour my new doc's intake staff had reviewed my chart, called me up, and referred me for a biopsy.

This was my second mistake. When my doctor didn't get back to me within a day, I should have called up KP and raised hell, demanding an immediate surgical referral.

What I did do was call Kaiser Member Services and file a grievance. I made it very clear that when I visited my doctor, I had been very happy with the care I received, but that she and her staff were clearly totally overloaded and needed some kind of administrative intervention so that their patients didn't end up in limbo.

This is a privilege. I'm a native English speaker, and although I was worried about a serious illness, I didn't have any serious symptoms. I had the ability and the stamina to force action in the system, and my doing so meant that other patients, not so well situated as I was, would not be stuck where I had been, with fewer resources to get un-stuck.

The surgeon who did the biopsy was great. He removed my mass. It was a gross lump of yellowy-red gunk in formaldehyde. He even let me photograph it before it went to pathology (warning, gross):

https://www.flickr.com/photos/doctorow/54038418981/

They told me that the pathology would take 2-5 days. I reloaded the "test results" tab in the KP website religiously after 48 hours. Nothing was updated. After five days, I called the surgical department (I had been given a direct number to reach them in case of postsurgical infections, and made a careful note of it).

It turned out that the pathology report had been in hand for three days at that point, but it was "preliminary" pending some DNA testing. Still, it was enough that the surgeon referred me to an oncologist.

This was my third mistake: I should have called after 48 hours and asked whether the pathology report was in hand, and if not, whether they could check with pathology. However, I did something very right this time: I got a phone number to reach the specialist directly, rather than going through the Kaiser main number.

My oncologist appointment was very reassuring. The oncologist explained the kind of cancer I had ("follicular lymphoma"), the initial prognosis (very positive, though it was weird that it manifested on my rib, so far from a lymph node) and what needed to happen next (a CT/PET scan). He also walked me through the best, worst and medium-cases for treatment, based on different scan outcomes. This was really good, as it helped me think through how I would manage upcoming events – book tours, a book deadline, work travel, our family Christmas vacation plans – based on these possibilities.

The oncologist gave me a number for Kaiser Nuclear Medicine. I called them from the parking lot before leaving the Kaiser hospital and left a message for the scheduler to call me back. Then I drove home.

This was my fourth mistake. The Kaiser hospital in LA is the main hub for Kaiser Southern California, and the Nuclear Medicine department was right there. I could have walked over and made an appointment in person.

Instead, I left messages daily for the next five days, waited a weekend, then called up my oncologist's staff and asked them to intervene. I also called Kaiser Member Services and filed an "urgent grievance" (just what it sounds like) and followed up by filing a complaint with the California Patient Advocate:

https://www.dmhc.ca.gov/

In both the complaint and the grievance, I made sure to note that the outgoing message at Nuclear Medicine scheduling was giving out false information (it said, "Sorry, all lines are busy," even at 2am!). Again, I was really careful to say that the action I was hoping for was both a prompt appointment for me (my oncologist had been very insistent upon this) but also that this was a very broken system that would be letting down every patient, not me, and it should be fixed.

Within a couple hours, I had a call back from KP grievances department, and an hour after that, I had an appointment for my scan. Unfortunately, that was three weeks away (so much for my oncologist's "immediate" order).

I had the scan last week, on Hallowe'en. It was really cool. The gadget was awesome, and the rad-techs were really experienced and glad to geek out with me about the way the scanner and the radioactive glucose they infused in me interacted. They even let me take pictures of the scan visualizations:

https://www.flickr.com/photos/doctorow/54108481109/

The radiology report was incredibly efficient. Within a matter of hours, I was poring over it. I had an appointment to see the doc on November 5, but I had been reading up on the scans and I was pretty sure the news was good ("No enlarged or FDG avid lymph nodes are noted within the neck, chest, abdomen, or pelvis. No findings of FDG avid splenic or bone marrow involvement").

There was just one area of concern: "Moderate FDG uptake associated with a round 1.3 cm left inguinal lymph node." The radiologist advised the oncologist to "consider correlation with tissue sampling."

Today was my oncology appointment. For entirely separate reasons, I was unable to travel to the hospital today: I wrenched my back over the weekend and yesterday morning, it was so bad that I couldn't even scratch my nose without triggering unbearable spams. After spending all day yesterday in the ER (after being lifted out of my house on a stretcher), getting MRIs and pain meds, I'm much better off, though still unable to get out of bed for more than a few minutes at a time.

So this morning at 8:30 sharp, I started calling the oncology department and appointment services to get that appointment changed over to a virtual visit. While I spent an hour trying various non-working phone numbers and unsuccessfully trying to get Kaiser appointment services to reach my oncologist, I tried to message him through the KP app. It turns out that because he is a visiting fellow and not staff, this wasn't possible.

I eventually got through to the oncology department and had the appointment switched over. The oncology nurse told me that they've been trying for months to get KP to fix the bug where fellows can't be messaged by patients. So as soon as I got off the phone with her, I called member services and filed another grievance. Why bother, if I'd gotten what I needed? Same logic as before: if you have the stamina and skills to demand a fix to a broken system, you have a duty to use them.

I got off the phone with my oncologist about an hour ago. It went fine. I'm going to get a needle biopsy on that one suss node. If it comes back positive, I'll get a few very local, very low-powered radiation therapy interventions, whose worst side effect will be "a mild sunburn over a very small area." If it's negative, we're done, but I'll get quarterly CT/PET scans to be on the safe side.

Before I got off the phone, I made sure to get the name of the department where the needle biopsy would be performed and a phone number. The order for the biopsy just posted to my health record, and now I'm redialing the department to book in that appointment (I'm not waiting around for them to call me).

While I redial, a few more lessons from my experience. First, who do you tell? I told my wife and my parents, because I didn't want to go through a multi-week period of serious anxiety all on my own. Here, too, I made a mistake: I neglected to ask them not to tell anyone else. The word spread a little before I put a lid on things. I wanted to keep the circle of people who knew this was going on small, until I knew what was what. There's no point in worrying other people, of course, and my own worry wasn't going to be helped by having to repeat, "Well, it looks pretty good, but we won't know until I've had a scan/my appointment/etc."

Next, how to manage the process: this is a complex, multi-stage process. It began with a physician appointment, then a radiologist, then a pathology report, then surgery, then another pathology report, then an oncologist, then a scan, then another radiologist, and finally, the oncologist again.

That's a lot of path-dependent, interdepartmental stuff, with a lot of ways that things can fall off the rails (when my dad had cancer at my age, there was a big gap in care when one hospital lost a fax from another hospital department and my folks assumed that if they hadn't heard back, everything was fine).

So I have been making extensive use of a suspense file, where I record what I'm waiting for, who is supposed to provide it, and when it is due. Though I had several places where my care continuity crumbled some, there would have been far more if I hadn't done this:

https://pluralistic.net/2024/10/26/one-weird-trick/#todo

The title of this piece is "how to have cancer," but what it really boils down to is, "things I learned from my own cancer." As I've noted, I'm playing this one on the easiest setting: I have no symptoms, I speak and write English fluently, I am computer literate and reasonably capable of parsing medical/technical jargon. I have excellent insurance.

If any of these advantages hadn't been there, things would have been a lot harder. I'd have needed these lessons even more.

To recap them:

See a frontline care worker as soon as possible: don't wait for an appointment with a specific MD. Practically any health worker can prod a lump and refer you for further testing;

Get a direct phone number for every specialist you are referred to (add this to your phone book); call them immediately after the referral to get scheduled (better yet, walk over to their offices and schedule the appointment in person);

Get a timeframe as to when your results are due and when you can expect to get a follow-up; call the direct number as soon as the due-date comes (use calendar reminders for this);

If you can't get a call back, an appointment, or a test result in a reasonable amount of time (use a suspense file to track this), lodge a formal complaint with your insurer/facility, and consider filing with the state regulator;

Think hard about who you're going to tell, and when, and talk over your own wishes about who they can tell, and when.

As you might imagine, I've spent some time talking to my parents today as these welcome results have come in. My mother is (mostly) retired now, and she's doing a lot of volunteer work on end-of-life care. She recommends a book called Hope for the Best, Plan for the Rest: 7 Keys for Navigating a Life-Changing Diagnosis:

https://pagetwo.com/book/hope-for-the-best-plan-for-the-rest/

I haven't read it, but it looks like it's got excellent advice, especially for people who lack the self-advocacy capabilities and circumstances I'm privileged with. According to my mom, who uses it in workshops, there's a lot of emphasis on the role that families and friends can play in helping someone whose physical, mental and/or emotional health are compromised.

So, that's it. I've got cancer. No cancer is good. This cancer is better than most. I am almost certainly fine. Every medical professional I've dealt with, and all the administrative support staff at Kaiser, have been excellent. Even the doc who dropped the ball on my biopsy was really good to deal with – she was just clearly drowning in work. The problems I had are with the system, not the people. I'm profoundly grateful to all of them for the help they gave me, the interest and compassion they showed, and the clarity and respect they demonstrated in my dealings with them.

I'm also very grateful to my wife, my parents, and my boss at EFF, all of whom got the news early and demonstrated patience, love, and support that helped in my own dark hours over the past couple of months.

I hope you're well. But you know, everyone gets something, eventually. When you find yourself mired in a broken system full of good people, work the system – for yourself and for the people who come behind you. Take records. Make calls.

Look after yourself.

If you'd like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here's a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:

https://pluralistic.net/2024/11/05/carcinoma-angels/#squeaky-nail

#cancer #medicare for all #m4a #health #socialism or barbarism #oncology #kaiser #kaiser permanente #kp

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dameronology · 1 day ago

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complex (logan)

summary: honestly i was just listening to complex by katie macleod and i started typing and this is what happened, it's only 800 words but hey-ho.

warnings: arguments, so much swearing, logan is kind of a dick

Your residual anger hung thick in the air like heat in the summer.

Your apartment was full of signs—little reminders of your argument, tiny clues to point to the hurt in your chest. The blankets on the sofa were still tangled from where Logan had slept there last night. There were two empty bottles of whisky beside a smashed plate on the coffee table, matched with angry claw marks where he'd made the wooden structure his victim. Most obviously, you and the man you loved stood on each end of the room and the argument, chests heaving from shouting and fists balled up with rage.

"I fucking hate you," you declared.

"No, you don't," Logan deadpanned, "you hate me right now, but really, you love me."

"Don't," you paused, taking a deep breath, "don't tell me how to feel."

"But you're allowed to tell me how to feel, huh?" he challenged.

There was another strangled sigh in your mouth. You couldn't keep sighing. You needed to come up with something new. Yelling had never been your thing. Maybe Logan's, but not yours. He hadn't even yelled for this entire fight. There had been heated exchanges, sure, but even in his most frustrated moments, he hadn't dared raise his voice. He had that much self-control.

"I can't look at you," your eyes fell to the floor.

Logan let out a snort. "Can't look at me, huh? Can't look me in the eye?"

This whole thing had started because the furry fucking moron had said something stupid. Then, he'd made it even worse when you'd pointed it out. It was like Logan had brought himself a proverbial shovel and was rewarding himself by digging a hole. He was ten feet down, and he couldn't see anything, save if he looked up and saw you glancing down at him with bleary eyes in his self-sustained grave. You could have reached down your hand to help him out but it was too far.

"Fuck. You."

Your chest heaved as you shoved past him, shoulders hitting his with a thud. Logan had barely even processed what had happened before the bedroom door slammed in his face. The force caused a picture on the shelf beside it to fall, the glass smashing into three separate pieces. He leant down to pick it up, turning the frame over. It was a picture of you at Coney Island two years ago; the wind was blowing your hair back, faced pressed to Logan's as he scowled. They were sweeter times.

Logan glanced up at the ceiling - or the sky, whatever the closest thing is.

"Whoever the fuck is up, that's not fucking funny."

He stopped at the door.

To say his heart broke when he heard you crying on the other side would be an understatement. There was a lot of sounds that Logan hated; his ring tone, his alarm sound in the morning, Wade Wilson's voice...but above all, the sound of you crying felt like a punch to the throat. It was even worse for him to know that he was the one who caused it.

Logan didn't stop before he opened the door. He booted it, body crossing the room in seconds to meet you at the bed. You were curled up, hugging his pillow to your chest and crying into yours.

He fell to his knees beside you, warm hands pulling your arms away from your face and towards him instead. A pair of strong arms came to wrap around you and in seconds, you were pressed to his chest.

"Oh, sweetheart," he murmured, "don't cry. Please don't cry. Punch me, slap me, fuckin' kill me if you want but please don't cry."

A little sob escaped your throat. "You're so frustrating."

"I know," Logan gave you a small smile, "christ, I know. And I am so fucking sorry."

He re-centred you on the bed, organising the pillows so that they were behind you. The mattress dipped beside you as he climbed under the covers, pulling you back into his side. You were still glaring at him, still refusing to throw you a ladder down his special grave.

"I let my anger get the best of me sometimes," Logan said, "maybe I don't shout at you or get angry the way I do at other people, but it...it manifests in more fucked up ways, I think. I like arguing. I love riling people up. I don't like doing that to you, though."

"You did, though."

"I know, sweetheart, I know," he murmured. "I'm trying my best. I know my best is absolute bullshit but...I am trying."

You tangled your fingers with his, giving his hand a squeeze. "I know. It's okay if you want to keep trying."

Logan softly smiled, pressing a kiss to your forehead. "I love you."

"I love you too."

#logan x reader #logan howlett x reader #wolverine x reader #logan howlett imagine #logan imagine #logan imagines #logan howlett angst #logan fan fiction #wolverine fan fiction #logan howlett fan fiction

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optimisticmosquito · 20 hours ago

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What if Shen Yuan was transmigrated into Shang Yuan, youngest son in the merchant Shang family and Shang Qinghua's little brother.

At first Shang Qinghua doesn't put much thought into it. He never did write much of a backstory for the other peak lords, so it makes sense the world has kind of just, written itself? Shang Yuan is several years younger anyways (I'm thinking 7-10 years) so it's not like he has a lot in common with him either. Shang Qinghua even joined CQM when he was barely out of toddlerhood. Shang Qinghua was fully prepared to just slowly fade out of sight and mind in his new family, just like he had in his old one.

Except this kid just really hates his guts? He gets letters regularly from his family, telling him how a-Yuan has been asking about him. But every time he visits the brat just shouts and kicks him around. All out of sight of their parents so he can't even go and complain to them! In their eyes Shang Yuan is their perfect little angel.

Honestly, Shang Qinghua isn't even that surprised the original goods turned into a villain if this was how he grew up. And oops, did he say that out loud? Shang Qinghua peeks down at the rigid brat he's holding under his arm in an attempt to stop him from trying to beat him up. With big eyes the kid turns his head up and whispers "you're a transmigrator too?".

From that day on Shang Qinghua can't help but feel a little bit less lonely, and maybe even a little happy. Who would have thought his number 1 anti fan would transmigrate into his didi! They start writing letters, both complaining about the system, and Shang Qinghua about the sect and his martial siblings. When he starts working for Mobei-jun he tells Shang Yuan everything about it. He even has a reason to go back and visit his family!

Shang Qinhua quickly accepts his responsibility as gege. Helping (or trying to) his little didi grow up to a nice young man and giving tips when Shang Yuan starts cultivating as well. And despite Yuan-di's tsundere behavior, Shang Qinghua knows he has his back as well.

In his own badly written stallion novel, Shang Qinghua finally finds the family he didn't have in the real world.

Now as for pairings. Bingyuan would be hilarious just because I want Shang Qinghua to ask, with a shit eating grin, how long Shang Yuan has been coveting his own nephew. And then for Shang Yuan to try and beat the shit out of him for it.

Jiuyuan would also be an interesting pairing (it can always be a jiuyuan if you're brave enough). Shang Qinghua knows his scum villain is misunderstood and not as bad as the book and rumors portrays him to be. But also he knows Shen Jiu is at least a dozen traumas in a trenchcoat. Does it really have to be his didi helping Shen Jiu deal with all of that? Sure Shang Yuan doesn't seem to mind, but Shang Qinghua also knows his didi makes some really stupid choices if you take your eyes off him. But also he's too much of a coward to say anything to Shen Jiu's face.

Hm, better to keep an eye on that from a distance.

#it would also be hilarious if SQH took a look at his scum villain one day and went:#“hm. you know who'd be just perfect for you?”#“My little brother! Let me set you two up on a date.”#SJ would agree to it just to get his martial siblings shut up fully intent on making SQHs brat brother cry as revenge #only to get oddly fascinated with this young man who is the opposite of his sleazy coward of a brother #spitting 10 facts about beasts a minute #while also tearing every popular novel apart verbally #it's like a carriage crash and SJ can't take his eyes away #svsss #scum villain's self saving system #shang qinghua #shen yuan #shang yuan au #shen jiu #luo binghe

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beautifullilacsky · 2 days ago

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Babygirl. We have come so far.

Today, your thoughts turned around to the past. They shook hands with the way we used to treat ourselves. It started off on a note I'd never expect it to start off of, though; look at that picture of me, the one in the natural pool in Madeira. The first time I looked at it, I was truly surprised and shooketh. "Damn, I look thin", as to which niklas said that that's how I always look, I am, in fact, thin. I didn't count, but I think I asked him at least 3 times. "Do I truly look like this?" He did say that the angle might be making me look extra thin, but yes. Suddenly, it all clicked. How to him, I can seem so fragile. So fragile that he'd always let me walk first on hikes to make sure the pace is okay, always carrying the backpack himself. The way he is scared of hurting me, like, physically. The picture looks like a tiny, thin, and fragile girl. Yeah tbh, she also doesn't look particularly strong. You can see her collarbones. Her ribs. Her shoulders. Tbh, she also looks a bit like a petshop. I do think the gopro did something with the angle there, u can't tell me my head is out of proportion to my tiny body, lol. My point is. Today, I was doubting whether or not I should eat those cookies. After thinking if it'd make me thick, I remembered. I am v thin, more weight wouldn't be so bad.

I never expected to truly feel skinny. Or well, 'too skinny', at least. To think I could gain some weight; it wouldn't be a problem. That is very new to me. After 25 years. Some of those years being spend hating my body and my belly and feeling overweight, even if my teacher even told me that being underweight is dangerous, her eyes seemingly insinuating the obvious.

Yet here I am. This one picture. And tbh, the other pics or videos of this vacation, don't have the same vibe. So I do think it's the angle. And maybe a bit of a fishbowl effect. Either way. It got me thinking. And suddenly I was thinking of it again: boobs. I am also reading 'the 7 husband's of Evelyn Hugo', who seduced men with her big boobs. Somehow, booby enlargement came to my mind again. Why? It's been so long. I have learned to love my boobs, yet this blast of the past came into my head. Actually,.. it is just a thought. It is actually nice. A reminder of where we came from.

How I hated my body in the past. And here I am. Loving every single part of it. Frankly, I love my boobs the way they are. Sure, they might not be super big, but I don't need to hold them when I run or sprint down the stairs. Sure, they are soft in the middle instead of pointy, but I think it's fascinating how certain temperatures, moods and touches can change that. Sure, they don't touch, but at least it also won't create a hot brew in there or trap my clothes inbetween or underneath my boobs. Honestly, they are truly perfect. (Even the little pimple on there right now. Even though I am a bit scared; is it truly a pimple? It should be, it behaves like one for sure.) I can cup one into my hand; it is a perfect fit. As if they were made to be held so gently and smoothly. So filled with love. So, ... true. My hand can touch all of its beautiful creases. They don't overflow my hands, nor do I need to search to find them. Sure, some might have bigger boobs, but not everyone likes that. Some people get attention just because of it. I am truly happy to be able to say that a lot of people just like me for my personality. The looks are for sure also there, but at least my boobs don't get eye-fucked or objectified. I am myself. Perfect the way I am. And I am grateful to be this exact way. I think my boobs are adorable, they are cute, and truly. Truly beautiful. Thanks boobs, for being w me always. And I'm sorry that I didn't see the beauty of you guys for a part of my life. I am happy that I do now, since a while. Love u, boobies. Lol.

Anyhow. I wish to send myself love letters. See this is a loveletter to one of the bodyparts which I was insecure about in the past. Let me show them some true love, which is exactly what they deserve.

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blackknight-kai · 2 days ago

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Could you do something for Wukong and Destined One(separate) who's human s/o isn't really talkative. Like generally won't speak unless spoken to. But will speak up if it's important or they noticed something the Monkey didn't(didn't say 'I love you' until like a year into the relationship). But their s/o is happy to smother them in physical affection if asked or hinted at.

Like kisses all over their faces, full body snuggles, let's D.O and Wukong carry them if they want(even latching on their backs like baby monkeys), will happy be part of a grooming train with the monkey people. You know that kind of stuff.

Please and thank you :3

Hiya!

So a quiet reader huh? Got it! I vibe with this a lot because I’m honestly quiet unless I get comfortable and even then I still am not the most talkative depending on what’s going on.

You being selective when you speak? Monkey is so good with that.

Both: Regarding the grooming and attention.

- [ ] He loves the sound of your voice when you DO talk at times. Genuinely LOVES it.

- [ ] Finds it endearing that you want to be close to his kind. Genuinely happy about it.

- [ ] Very much appreciates that while you don’t talk much, you don’t mind the chatter and loud noises of the monkey yaoguai nor how social they are.

- [ ] It takes the monkeys a little bit to get used to you, because well they aren’t exactly quiet and they probably wonder what’s wrong with you (nothing of course) but eventually they just realize it’s just how you are and accept it. They learn how to ‘read’ you.

- [ ] He loves that you’re so patient with it too and especially loves when his kind just kind of…pull you into their grooming trains without thought, as though you belong. And the fact that you seem to enjoy it and even participate yourself makes his affection for you grow. You just kind of mix right in with them happy to go along with their shenanigans.

- [ ] He also loves that the monkey cubs seem to gravitate to you for nap time or when they want cuddles and affection. Because you’re quiet they enjoy the peacefulness you bring. They also regularly just kinda climb you and sit on your lap, ultimately comfortable with you.

- [ ] Carrying you in any way shape or form is something he LOVES. Because you weight nothing to him and he can have you close to him. Be it princess style, piggy back, or even a front back pack style 👀, he loves it and if you let him will do it whenever he pleases (plus it means he can move faster or get you out of danger quickly as needed).

- [ ] If you’re being cheeky in your own way or being stubborn, or maybe you’ve had a small argument with him, he will definitely carry you over his shoulder because he can and it annoys you AND he gets to be close to you.

- [ ] He’s very tactile, so he’s going to be touching you a lot - his kind is social so physical touch is something he’d really want with you. Snuggling and being in your personal bubble all the time. Some part of him is always touching some part of you. Sharing food, worries, or clothes, and eventually a bed.

Destined One:

- [ ] He definitely is okay with this situation. He doesn’t mind you not speaking because well….he doesn’t really either. He gets it.

- [ ] At first he might have been worried or unsure, mainly because HES used to being the quiet one surrounded by his loud kin.

- [ ] He’s going use more grunts/sounds, gestures, or specific looks and you guys probably have specific movements that mean certain things.

- [ ] He appreciates the comfortable quiet and the soft conversations or sound of your voice when you do speak together.

- [ ] If you were to talk a lot all of a sudden it might make him worry!

- [ ] He will be watching your body language a lot as he does things - wants to learn what certain faces you make mean or what it means when you move a certain way.

- [ ] When you do speak he’s VERY attentive and listening. Because he knows it’s important if you’re talking. Especially could mean danger or something is amiss. Or whatever you’re talking about is crucial.

- [ ] Also, two of you being silent and able to communicate like that? Thats a deadly combination for pranks or even battle tactics.

- [ ] He’s an awkward peanut so when trying to woo you or see if you’re interested he’s of course not gonna ASK nor wait for you to say something. He’s going to do subtle things to test the waters and watch for your reaction.

- [ ] When you guys manage to get together things can be a bit slow, again he’s going to always watch or make a certain sound that mean “is this okay?”

- [ ] You both have your own tells when you want affection and attention so learning those tells is something the two of you work on asap.

- [ ] He knows pretty quickly what certain looks mean or if you scoot closer. He knows when you’re silently asking for his tail to wrap around your and his arm to pull you in so you’re settled nicely against his warm side.

- [ ] Loves giving you soft affection and enjoys the little giggles he can get out of you when he peppers your face with kisses or tickles you.

- [ ] Knows when you need a hug or just a moment to yourself. He knows what every sound you make means as well, every content sigh or groan of annoyance.

- [ ] Even when you might pretend not to want the affection he’s going to know you want it and will gladly give it.

- [ ] He is someone who hadnt really allowed too much contact in the past or divulged in the more social aspects of his kind. He was so focused on his goals and he honestly didnt think he NEEDED this kind of affection but once he met you and started having ‘feelings’ he really got to a point where he WANTED to be affectionate with you. Wanted to give you so much and receive it back, he doesnt know how he lived with out it.

- [ ] You guys get so comfortable to the point that really everything is just a natural movement. He knows you inside and out and you him. Knows what you’re thinking by locking eyes with you.

- [ ] He loves the soft quiet atmosphere with you and the connection that genuinely doesn’t need words.

- [ ] The “I love you” words? Those are through actions he gives you and you return. When you guys speak them for the first time way after being together for some time, it’s more of a low whisper of words while you’re cuddled up close, noses nuzzled together. Soft kisses traded between the two of you. It’s warm and cozy.

Wukong:

- [ ] Chatter fucking box.

- [ ] He does not care that you don’t talk much, he will talk for you. Literally sometimes. Might even make up a whole conversation where he even answers himself out loud - or he makes a clone of himself and has the clone pretend to be you while he talks (this is if he REALLY wants to be a menace and annoy you).

- [ ] But in reality he genuinely doesn’t mind it.

- [ ] He quickly learned your body language and what your expressions or non verbal cues mean. Pretends sometimes not to know just to lightly tease you.

- [ ] Wukong is careful of you at first though, because he’s learning your tells he might test some boundaries here or there but it’s mostly out of curiosity and wanting to make sure NOT to push them later. He appreciates when you DO speak up to him about something you don’t like. It shows you trust him enough to tell him your honest thoughts.

- [ ] Hes not shy about physical touch, although he won’t push you about it or anything. Will casually do things and as long as you don’t show him you hate it or tell him you hate it, he will keep doing whatever it is.

- [ ] If it’s something major, he will verbally ask you. He doesn’t necessarily need your “word” a head nod will do but he will make sure he doesn’t genuinely upset you.

- [ ] He REALLY listens when you speak. Knowing how rare it is and how important it is. If he’s in the middle of something or fighting something will still be listening for you always. He also makes a point not to interrupt you or talk over you.

- [ ] Appreciates when you talk because of how rare it is and especially if you hold a conversation with him. Doesnt take that for granted.

- [ ] He really enjoys your laugh. Will do everything he can to hear it. He’s cheeky and playful so you being quiet isn’t going to make him treat you differently.

- [ ] Before you get together Wukong is NOT subtle at all. He’s always someone who goes for what he wants so he’s going to be clear about it and of course watch for your reactions or wait for your cues.

- [ ] When you give him the go ahead to court you / date you he is soooooo happy and well….hes a cuddle bug and touch starved so he’s going to be all over you.

- [ ] He did the playing and wrestling things with his kind but he wasn’t really one to share in the more ‘lovey dovey’ things or familial bonding things outside of playing with or grooming the monkey cubs that look up to him. He’s always been their “King” and while he was always amongst them as one of them he wasn’t truly ‘one’ of them, keeping himself a little apart from those more social things. Plus he’s lead a VERY hard life, focused on his own goals and his people…becoming the great sage and going through all his trials. He isnt used to “soft”. Until you. Now he cant get enough.

- [ ] Making sure you know he cares for you by being affectionate and generous with his kisses, hugs, and his tail wrapped around you or touching you.

- [ ] He also really enjoys that he can be calm and quiet with you. You giving him that space to be peaceful and just NOT talk is something he didnt know he needed. You being there when he just needs to think or work through something and not asking questions or expecting him to chat about it is something he REALLY appreciates.

- [ ] He also really loves the quiet cuddles after a long day or just taking an afternoon nap with you. You’re peace, home.

- [ ] As you progress through your relationship at times he may require verbal communication, why? Because as much as he can read you now, he doesnt want to mess this up. So at times when it’s more serious or maybe taking things to another level he’s going to want a verbal answer even it’s a short one.

- [ ] He’s also generous with his affectionate words - over time. Be it pet names or telling you how gorgeous you are. He loves complimenting you and affirming to you that he treasures you. So him saying “I love you” while it wasn’t right away it was something you heard in his tone and actions.

- [ ] When he DOES say it he doesnt expect a response because hes secure in your returned quiet affections.

- [ ] For real though, you giving him THOSE eyes or your body language telling him you want monkey snuggles? Oh boy does that make his tail wag and his chest puff up with pride. He LOVES that you want that from him and cant wait to give you all the kisses and snuggles.

- [ ] When you finally tell him you love him? Verbally? Yeah….he whole world is gonna know. You may need to kiss him to shut him up or fight off his kisses because he’s going to be a kissing FEIND with how happy he is He will also give you the biggest snuggle and bear hug and rub his cheek against yours. You’re not getting out of his hold for a while.

#black myth wukong #sun wukong x reader #black myth wukong x reader #destined one x reader #bk kai writes

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watarfallar · 2 days ago

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If I had a nickel for every time I posted an incorrect quotes dump, I'd have a lot of nickles!

BigB: What if I lied this whole time and I'm actually 18? Mumbo: BigB, stop trying to get drugs. BigB: Don't suppress my interests.

Lizzie: Oh, my God. Do you know what this is? Jimmy: It’s a book. There’s a lot of those in here, this is a library.

Tango: Don’t stay up all night, Ren. Last time you got this sleep-deprived, you tried to eat your own shirt.

Scar: Guys, there’s a monster under my bed and it’s really ugly. Gem, on the bottom bunk: Honestly, fuck you.

Etho: Gem has no idea I’m high. Gem: You’re high? Etho: Oh, I’m sorry. Etho, leaning over to Grian: Gem has no idea I’m high.

Martyn: Why don't we just call it, "M.C. Donald's?" Scar: Because it just sounds like a stupid rapper's name. Cleo: It'd just be like- "Eyo, it's ya boy, M.C. Donald!"

Scar: What did you guys get in your yearbook? Grian: 'Prettiest Smile' Joel: 'Nicest Personality' Ren: 'Most likely to start a bar fight' Cleo: 'Least likely to start a bar fight, but most likely to win one'

Impulse: I don't follow the rules. I follow dogs on social media.

Pearl: So I’m the only one around here who can clean up, huh? You can't even lift a finger? Tango: Do I get to pick the finger?

Jimmy, talking to Impulse: Well Impulse, whenever I’m about to do something, I think ‘would Gem do that?’ and if they would, I do not do that thing. Impulse: … Gem, from the distance: They’re not wrong though!

Pearl: If I can't cause tiny bits of chaos every day, I think my body will shut down.

BigB: Tango, what if there are monsters? Tango: Don’t worry, we’re top of the food chain. Much later… BigB, lying awake at night: I am the monster.

Pearl: If we don’t get out of this alive… If we’re both about to die… I love you, Gem! *Neither of them die* Gem: … Pearl: … Gem: So do you wanna talk about somethi- Pearl: No thank you.

Bdubs: Aww, what's your dog's name? Tango: Spartacus. Bdubs, yelling to Martyn: TRY SPARTACUS! Martyn, on the computer: DIDN'T WORK! Tango: Bdubs: What's your favorite number?

Scott: Don’t say a word. Impulse: Fergalicious. Scott: Impulse, I said no words. Impulse: Oh, I see how it works. Two weeks ago, we’re playing Scrabble, it’s not a word, now suddenly it is a word because it’s convenient for you.

Skizz, writing in their diary with a glitter gel pen: I'm losing my sense of humanity. Nothing matters. God is dead. There's blood on my hands.

Cleo: Who wants to make fifty bucks? Tango: How? Cleo: I need someone to take the fall. Tango: What did you do? Cleo: I can't tell you. Yes or no, no questions asked. Etho, from the other room: Oh my god. Cleo: ... Etho: OH MY GOD! Tango: Make it a hundred. Cleo: Deal.

Mumbo: So jellyshish- Grian, laughing: JELLYSHISH!? Mumbo: You know what I meant!

Cleo: We can't lose. Because we have this. *points to their chest* Skizz: We have heart? Cleo: Heart? No, me. I'm pointing at myself. I'm going to win this for us.

Etho: Do you even have a plan? Tango: This is the plan! I break you out, chaos, destruction, something something something, we win! Etho: Oh, of course, the old “something something something we win”. That’s a terrible plan!

Pearl: Why is it that I always lose things as soon as I need them? Grian: Actually, it's not that you lose things when you need them. You lose them a while before. It's just that you LOOK for things when you need them. Pearl: Okay yeah thanks Grian, that's great but WHERE'S THE FUCKING FIRST AID KIT?

Scar: And I��d love to be sorry for that, but we all know I’ve done much, much worse.

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dragon-chica · 1 day ago

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Cryptid Hunting - Eddie & Venom x Reader

Fandom: Marvel / Venom

Dear gods it's been a long time since I wrote but this duo? marry me.

You have a love for monsters and stories, folklore and cryptozoology especially the more interesting creatures, in particular.

Eddie once had asked you if you really believe in all those stories, legends and cryptids and folklore. He found them interesting and entertaining, especially some of your favorites you shared with him, but didn't consider a lot on the subject.

"Babe, your body contains an alien slime that cured your cancer and eats your ass. This is just a cursed child that flew out a chimney and haunts New Jersey. No offense, Venom, honey."

"NONE TAKEN."

"That's fair."

You had always wanted to try cryptid hunting just for fun, but could never convince anyone to join you for a night of tomfuckery in a creepy area with legends and rumors.

Eddie though, had no excuse.

Your reasoning was, he's a journalist, he should investigate this story, spinning your laptop around with an article on a chosen cryptid for him to look at while you also read about it from one of your cryptozoology and folklore books.

Your second reason was, he's your boyfriend and "Please, please, please, please baby?"

Which of course he could never say no to, not that it helps that Venom is also now pleading along with you.

"YES EDDIE, PRETTY PLEASE? WE CAN FIND IT AND EAT IT. AN EXOTIC SNACK, AND WE WILL IMPRESS THEM."

Both his lovers pleading for him to do something? He's a lovestruck sucker as is, even if it is walking around like a couple of dumbasses in the dark. He's done weirder.

You honestly didn't actually expect him to agree though, and are ecstatic that he does.

Your excitement and the big kiss on his cheek is already worth it he thinks.

"SEE EDDIE? WE ARE AMAZING PARTNERS. MORE CRYPTIDS AND MORE KISSES."

You make a day out of it, a roadtrip.

With snacks. Lots of snacks, and one guy at a gas station that was just awful. "HE DIDN'T TASTE VERY GOOD EITHER."

All in all, Eddie was having a good day. Time off spent with his favorite beings, a scenic drive, wearing shoes. Not really expecting much of the "cryptid hunt" besides walking around in the dark and talking to the woods like ghosthunters.

But you and Venom were hyped, as soon as you parked in a secluded area and geared up with flashlights and a video camera, he didn't know who was more excited.

Venom was hovering over his shoulder, head whipping around so much he was spinning Eddie as he went, following you "to a good spot."

You sat in the woods for awhile together waiting for it to get dark, wrapped in a cozy hoodie and leaning against Eddie while reading to him different stories from one of your cryptid books.

When darkness settled around you and something could be heard walking through the brush, you flashlight spun toward it.

"DO NOT WORRY MORSEL, WE ARE THE LETHAL PROTECTOR. YOU ARE SAFE."

Eddie did not expect, at the sound of something moving closer in the woods, for Venom to jump out of him, and into you. Backing up with black good around your hand now shaking with the beam towards it.

"What the hell V?" he whisper shouted while your other hand covered your mouth trying to hide a snicker.

"THAT'S ENOUGH HUNTING FOR TONIGHT."

A weird trilling sound came for the forest and Venom encased you, going full form and grabbing Eddie over your shoulder before sprinting back to the card and tossing him inside.

Your flashlights, heavy duty and bought just for this, were long forgotten while multiple tentacles rummaged around Eddie before finding the keys and slamming them in the ignition.

"What's wrong V? i thought you wanted to eat a cryptid for me?"

You try to soothe and pet him while Eddie gets his bearings again.

"NOT HUNGRY. THE UGLY MAN GAVE US INDIGESTION. BESIDES, EDDIE WAS SCARED."

"HEY!"

Eventually, against Venom's protests on Eddie being a chicken and too scared to continue, Eddie trekked back to retrieve your gear, Venom back with him and switching from full cowl to hiding inside him again while you waited in the car.

#Venom x reader #Venom imagine #Eddie Brock x reader #Eddie Brock imagine #my stuff #marvel x reader #marvel imagine

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bumblingbeezzz · 2 days ago

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I think somebody out there wants me to kill myself lmao. I keep seeing things on here that could all potentially ruin my mood, and now I see holes getting shot through one of my lifelines amidst the sinking sands of depression. I knew Goku was never entirely a righteous hero, but in fact got a lot of thrill from fighting, which is why he would sometimes leave a worthy opponent alive so he can fight him again, even if they were an extremely dangerous individual to let roam free. But this says that it's literally all he cares about? Some of the claims OP made are, at the very least, not backed up in the source provided by the other poster. It doesn't say here that he only feels companionship not love, and that he would only care for a second if his family and friends died.***

It's pretty messed up. The same article makes both Goku and Toriyama not look so great all at once. In it, he also admits that his motivation for writing DBZ was nothing more than money, and doesn't say that he learned to love it or have any connection to his fans (in fact, he mentions intentionally messing with them and being contrary to their wishes), just seems to imply that it was an easier job than most. I'm tempted to share this with the person who got me into DBZ but also I don't want to ruin anything for them. Then again, they're the type to say "I prefer the brutal truth" so...

Ah fuck but what about all my followers who like DBZ? Goddammit...I wanted to say my piece but I guess it's selfish of me to ruin it for others. But, well, actually there may be some consolation for those who already saw this, because Toriyama also states that he forgets some of the things he writes. He also says he doesn't take care of his illustrations after he finishes them. Which is really weird and kind of disheartening to hear that he had so little passion for the story he built and shared with so many fans worldwide. But the point is, it seems that many fans are closer to the material than even he is, and as I've said before about the Harry Potter series, you can separate the content from the creator by acknowledging that 1) it is fiction and 2) there is a difference between who the author is, how the author interprets their own work, and what enjoyers make of it. These characters live in our consciousness as we built them too. We put our own heart into it just by immersing ourselves in it. Yeah, sure, Toriyama had a different vision of Goku than maybe a lot of fans did, but that doesn't make those interpretations we acquired and stored less valid. We all used our own imaginations to interact with what we watched or read. The version of the character that you see, and which makes the most sense to you is "real," because it's all unreal anyway.

And honestly? A more complex Goku who loves fighting for the thrill of it AND fighting for his friends makes the most sense anyway. We've seen it, we've seen his genuine care and concern. He's proven himself to be "pure of heart."

***Edit: They do actually include more sources that I didn't initially see which does confirm this, at least the part about seeing his family more as companions, though that doesn't change my final statement.

I just really find the fact that the creator of dragonball has stated that Goku canonically cannot feel any kind of love, just ‘companionship’, to be a extremely interesting fact. Like, if his family died he’d be like ‘No!’ and then he’d get over it fairly quickly as if they were only just acquaintances. Same goes with the rest of his friends.

The series creator apparently doesn’t like the anime’s portrayal of Goku. They always cast Goku as a hero, when in the manga he’s really only ‘saving people’ as a side bonus that comes with fighting a stronger opponent. He doesn’t purposefully go in to save anyone unless there is a fight happening at the scene.

So, If Goku hadn’t hit his head, he would’ve just been another Raditz. And it also explains why he’s rather cruel towards Gohan and neglectful towards Chichi.

Apparently Vegeta is the actual exception to his own species. He actually genuinely loves his family, -a rare trait only Goku’s mother was proven to have- whereas Goku is apparently literally unable to have those feelings. It’s kind of ironic; Vegeta is probably the one that would be the most ashamed and resentful to admit he has those kinds of feelings.

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traegorn · 20 hours ago

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I mainly follow people like Holding Dems Accountable From the Left and Hasan and they're saying that Kamala lost because she didn't listen to her base and courted republicans instead. I assumed that was true and was also very conflicted about voting for Kamala given her actions against Palestine but did end up voting for her.

But recently I stumbled on some leftist people, including you, who seem to be saying differently and are actually blaming people who didn't vote instead. So I was wondering if you agree with Hasan that the dem party fucked up really bad and honestly bernie sanders in 2020 or anyone else would've won trump in a landslide.

If you look at the numbers, about 15 million people who voted for Biden in 2020 did not show up in 2024. Trump's number's stayed mostly the same, but Harris just didn't have the turnout.

Now we also see from polling that the vast majority of leftists did vote for Harris. And while I still have a bone to pick with the ones who didn't, they weren't the major factor this time around.

Because, let's be honest, our politics aren't popular enough to make up for the 15 million missing voters. Some of this was voter disenfranchisement, but these are people who largely just didn't show up to the polls. These are the apathetic masses who were energized in 2020 because of Trump's fumbling of the pandemic who just didn't give a shit enough about what happens to anyone else to vote.

That's why my anger is largely for Trump supporters and people who voluntarily did not vote.

A lot of people looking at the numbers are ignoring this though, and just looking at percentages -- or overestimating the popularity of their positions -- and are grandstanding to make their own political point.

But the math just doesn't work for that.

#politics #election #election 2024

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aihoshiino · 2 days ago

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chapter 165 thoughts

Aqua Hoshigan Status: It's Officially Hoshinover

Chapters Until The Story Ends Without The 143 Kiss Being Addressed Or Acknowledged: 1

damn i guess they really did just kill his ass

I'm gonna be so real with you gamers, I kind of don't have a lot to say about this one either lol. Which I acknowledge sounds completely wild given the Everything that happens in it, but most of my meat and potatoes analysis in these reviews comes from breaking down characterization and we're flying through everything at such breakneck pace that we're barely getting any characterization.

It continues to drive me bugfuck insane that Ai is completely absent from this finale despite the importance of 15 Year Lie. Its imagery is plastered all over but whenever we return to it, we just see Aqua. Not only that, but Gotanda is the one who insists on pushing the movie through for Aqua. 15YL as a story about Ai's true self and her tragedy is now officially taking a backseat to being about Aqua's tragic death and legacy. It was already bad enough that we spent so much time in the Movie Arc not actually focusing on Ai to the extent that, as everyone pointed out, based on what we saw on-page it was basically a Sad Kamiki Movie, but this really is just pissing right in the wound at this point lmao.

The funeral scene also serves as the final nail in the coffin for any Secretly Alive Aqua copes, which is kind of a relief. I still don't like how Aqua's death played out, but I think dragging it out for four chapters then going "sorry you thought i was /srs when i was just /jk" would have been infinitely more insulting. I don't like this ending, but I can respect that Akasaka seems to be sticking to his guns on it, even if we still do have like a whole chapter left for him to whip around and go "I WAS /JK ALL ALONG!!!!" but I don't see it happening.

Anyway, yeah! The funeral! Uh. Is it gonna sound weird if I say I felt kind of like… grossed out reading this the first time? Like, I really don't know how else to explain the visceral "why the fuck is the author making me read this" reaction I had to it. I think it's just because Kana is so fucking distraught here and the drama is just so hammy and so over the top that it feels kind of… ech. I dunno. I just really didn't vibe.

It doesn't help that this is part of a much broader pattern in the back half of OnK of Aka getting us right up close into the gory details of a character's complete mental breakdown and suffering and then spend zero time or focus on their recovery. This happened with Ruby all over the Movie Arc and this many times and with this little runway to the end of the series, it just starts to feel exploitative, like a way to cheaply pull at our heartstrings without doing the work to build everyone back up after tearing them down.

also pre-emptively dreading all the fuel this is going to add to the fires of People Who Are Weird And Misogynistic About Kana but she could die saving innocent children from a burning building and people would find reasons to be shitty about her lmao

we really are not seeing ruby's reaction to finding out her brother was dead huh lol

I will say the one thing I didn't Actively Dislike about this chapter was Ruby, though. I was honestly starting to get pretty skeeved out with how many people were gleefully predicting or actively wishing for her immediate suicide purely for ship motivated reasons and I was also worrying that the story was going to pretend that Ruby doesn't like. Have a life and support system outside of Aqua. Yes, she should absolutely be affected by his death but this period of her shutting down only to drag herself back onto her feet that we seem to be getting feels way more in line with pre-Movie Arc flanderization Ruby and I'll take that W where I can get it.

god. I haven't even talked about Kamiki's supposed serial killer cult. I just don't have the strength. Like… that's self-evidently stupid, right? I don't need to explain to you why that's ridiculous and unbelievable? You don't need me to tell you why it's fucking crazy that we're getting this information about the alleged overarching antagonist of the series not only in the second-to-last chapter of the entire series but after he was already dead, right? We can just move on? Ok good. jesus christ.

FINAL CHAPTER NEXT WEEK…

#oshi no ko #oshi no posting #onk spoilers #chapter review

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summercreolefanfictioner · 3 days ago

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the scent wafts in, her name making him beg on his knees chap 5 || touya x fem!reader [modern au]

chapter summary: Touya takes a trip down memory lane, reliving all his days as a host and how it changed his world for the worse.

themes: mentions of prostitution, sex, SA, abuse, violence, etc. (YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED)

notes: this one really has heavy themes and I want you all to be aware of the warning cause yeah; oh btw this is fem! reader but all is written in 3rd POV so y/n will be referred to as "she/her"

masterlist

Touya knew about sex when he was a child, and no amount of porn and eavesdropping could make him discover this fact. It wasn't like he accidentally found a stash of porn magazines or DVDs in the house or he walked in on someone doing it. He knew about it when the adults were talking, specifically his grandparents (more like his mom's parents). They were talking about Rei having another child with Enji after Fuyumi, and that's when he heard the word he shouldn't have.

Sex.

He knew about that word when he was tasked to fill out his basic contact information, and what he knew about it was his gender. It took him a bit of searching on a random dictionary to understand what it really was, and he suddenly dropped the book as he covered his mouth in shock. The gasp he was about to let in suffocated him as he deduced things in his head and learned later on how the birth of Natsuo and Shouto changed a lot of things in his perspective.

Sex. Intercourse. Coitus. It was all a chore his parents did to bear an heir for the Endeavor Corp. But for his childish mind, they were trying to replace him, and it made him see red.

He wanted to say he was good enough to be like Enji, to be his successor. But no, Enji rejected the idea of him being the next CEO. For Enji, Touya was not good enough. He didn't need an heir who drives himself mad when he can't achieve perfection. He doesn't need an heir who shows weakness in his sleeve.

It ruined Touya that he couldn't look at relationships the same way as he entered puberty. Whenever he sees a few of his classmates dating or talking about "Hey, I stayed over at my girl's place when her parents were away" or "Well, I couldn't ignore her especially when she's being like that to me," it made him think: Relationships are a facade. Romance is a lie. Virginity is a concept they play to make themselves feel they attained innocence. Pleasure is just the side effect of it, but it's nothing.

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He was 22 when he agreed with the manager's suggestion to have side work as a host for a club at the Red District every Monday and Friday. Honestly, he half-expected a few customers to ask for a kiss on the first try or even a hug or basically any form of physical intimacy. Surprisingly, most of them only wanted male attention, someone to talk to when they get off work or when things get stressed out, or just a harmless, casual date because they couldn't find a man that would give them the treatment they wanted.

Another thing Touya learned: he didn't have to act like he was so nice like a Prince Charming like some of the hosts do. He was just naturally there, talking when he was supposed to talk and serving them drinks like the gentleman they thought him to be. So there were no hookups or casual sex or any bookings of hotel rooms afterward.

That was until he met his regular customers that things took a downturn for him.

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1. The one who's visibly disgusted by the man she would be marrying

Touya met her every Friday, and he already knew from the get-go that she was the typical rich daughter who went by her parents' bidding; someone who never touched bad things. Well, except that night. She decided to go to the Red District for the first time and heard about this secret host you can book. He had heard her family name somewhere, probably when he was still in high school since Enji and Rei would have the four of them attend important events. It only occurred to him then how popular she was with the way the other hosts were staring and whispering to themselves.

It was when the other hosts talked to him in the locker room and told him that she was hiding a lot from the media because apparently, she was marrying this famous celebrity producer who went after gravure models; that it was an arranged marriage and she obviously abhorred the fact that she was getting wed off to an old geezer.

When she talked to him about meeting up with her on a Saturday night at a booked hotel room, Touya already knew what she was up to. There was extra money involved, plus her promise that she wouldn't be booking his services after. The arrangement worked well with him, setting aside his personal feelings over the matter, as he had sex with her, making it seem like he knew the ropes when he clearly did not. Everything was all thanks to porn and all those gravure magazines he saw from his classmates in high school.

When she cried afterwards, something about being relieved that she didn't spend her first time with a perverted old man, that was when Touya's heart constricted with heaviness. He didn't understand what he felt back then, but after leaving the hotel, he spent away the last of his expenses drinking and smoking before returning to work like nothing.

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2. The one whose loneliness cannot be fulfilled by her own husband

He dreaded this one regular, and he wished he told the manager that he didn't want to entertain this woman. The first time she booked Touya, he thought she was just a regular customer who wanted nothing from him until she started placing her hand on his thigh one night, and a few nights after, she asked if they could meet outside. Touya was stressed over her and her silly antics, even though she was just asking him to eat lunch at her recommended fancy restaurants and stroll around town.

Well, it wasn't like she was overly clingy or demanding; it was the fact that Touya had no idea what she had under all that nice adult woman facade. It was only when they met up at a coffee shop that she told him about her circumstances. She said, "My husband and I cannot divorce, and he knew about this arrangement and didn't mind as long as no one knew. I also don't mind since he has been sleeping with other women for as long as I can remember." This irked Touya and reminded him of his parents' arranged marriage. He knew they didn't cheat on each other, but it made him think about how the media and paparazzi painted the Todoroki family as a loving family with toothy grins and blooming flowers.

What made this situation worse for Touya was how the woman decided he meet her every weekend at her shared house with her husband. Touya had already met the man, and he knew from one look that all he cared about was knowing who his wife was sleeping with and reminding him that the two of them were only to have a sexual relationship and nothing else (not like he was looking forward to moving things further with a client anyway).

They would always have sex in the guest room assigned for them, but sometimes the wife would take a risk and have them go all the way to the master's bedroom. She would reason out that it wasn't like her husband was so faithful not to bring women there inside since she caught them before in the said room. Touya learned she was insatiable as hell and would try a lot of her fantasies on him because her husband deprived her of trying out exciting things.

Their last sex was of Touya wrapping her legs around his hips as her back hit the bathroom wall and the hot shower poured down on them. After the high, Touya told her he wouldn't be entertaining her anymore since the risk of their arrangement was catching up on him.

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3. The one who wanted the boyfriend experience

This one was simple, and Touya kind of liked her because he was able to forget his shitty childhood and family issues. She basically became a friend in many ways, and her reason for hiring Touya was because she wanted the boyfriend experience, kind of like having a secret lover especially now that she had gone adulthood and wanted companionship. Touya wouldn't say it was fun being with her. It was just okay. She would ask him to hold hands or ruffle her hair or tell her the corniest shit that he had ever said (he was still embarrassed remembering it, but he managed to set aside his shame over her.)

It became apparent that something was amiss when she visited on a Friday night, displaying unease and nervousness, punctuating the air with sighs as he handed her the drink. He was about to speak when she blurted out, "There's a guy at work, and he said he saw me with you, and he confessed. He asked me if I wanted to date." Her face was beet red as she made a mess of her hair, probably remembering the said confession in her head. "Dabi-kun, what should I do?! Do you think I'm a good dating material?"

Touya wasn't in love with her, but the way things were happening, there was that familiar feeling again when he had sex for the first time with his first regular. That dark pit in his stomach prompted him to do something bad and run away instead of facing them properly. It was easier to drown everything

He placed the glass on the table and said, "Give it a try. You never know what might happen."

He never saw her after that, and he didn't take customers for a while. He spent his weekends drinking and smoking until he fell asleep.

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4. The one who struggles with a husband's cuckolding kink

Touya was weirded out by this customer because usually, it was only the woman who stayed in the room waiting for him as he served them one of his best alcohol concoctions. It was on a Monday night when he had a married couple as his client. Great. Before, it was often the wife who came in here. Now, they bring their husbands into the mix, he thought bitterly as he sat on the couch. At first, it was awkward with the way the wife was trying to lighten up the mood by telling fun stories as her husband drank and watched them from the corner. Honestly, Touya could not care. At least he was getting his usual drink. If this evening turned out shitty, then so be it.

Suddenly, the husband stood up and knelt traditionally (seiza-style), bowing before Touya as he begged, "Please have sex with my wife!"

The wife went to his side as Touya stopped midway from his drink, his mood worsening as he was yet again reminded of this one regular. However, this time he thinks it is different as the wife assures him there is no need for him to kneel and beg because she can do fine without sex, which the husband is opposed to. And the two went on to discuss his cuckolding kink, how he would only get turned on and have sex with her once he was done having sex with someone else.

Touya narrowed his eyes in disgust, leaning on the couch as his cold voice cut through the conversation.

"Aren't you two being rude?"

The couple were ashamed, bowing at him for their lack of respect and quickly explaining about the matter at hand. According to the couple, they've been having problems in the sex department because of the husband's cuckolding kink, something about getting turned on by the fantasy of his wife having sex with someone. Touya obviously groaned in disgust and was about to protest, dismissing their request and not wanting to partake in their weird shenanigan, something about the charade setting him off even further than before. The husband wanted him to have sex with his wife just so he could take her afterward. How revolting. Why did the manager let them in this place?

"This will only happen once, please!" The husband added. "We will make a formal contract." Then he gave him his business card. "You can call me if you change your mind."

Of course, Touya doesn't call him. He doesn't care. He will do the usual. Yeah, he tells himself this as he realizes he needs more stash of money so he can live for the next month (not like he was running out; he was just being careful.) So he finally succumbs to temptation and calls the man up, meeting them in a fancy restaurant as Touya read through the contents of the contract.

The contract was fair and just for all parties, though. For one, the husband will not watch or record Touya and his wife having sex or any act similar to the matter. It also indicated that this would only be a one-time thing between the three of them and Touya will be paid a hefty amount on the same day the act will commence. Touya also added a few things in the agreement, which included no BDSM or anything similar and that he would not be doing any acts that would "impregnate" the wife (since a few of his customers before liked the idea of breeding, and he didn't love it.)

When all was said and done, Touya got into the business and did everything like how he did before, masking all his emotions and pretending there was so much pleasure and thrill in embracing another man's wife when there wasn't. It was vile even, knowing that the husband was willing for his wife to be disrespected just so he could give her the love she deserved. The worst part? She liked touching him, hugging him close as he thrust even further, or kissing his lips like she owned him. Touya wanted to push her away and tell her, this was just sex and she was crossing some sort of boundary. Then again, she was a customer. It's not like he hadn't been paid to give a kiss before.

Afterwards, he took a shower and left without a word, carrying the check with a large sum as he headed to the bank that day. Touya slept that night convincing himself everything was a nightmare; a horrible shit he went through because he needed to survive.

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5. The one who likes sharing everything with her bestfriend

Touya had been hearing stories from other hosts about some customers booking them together and having awesome threesomes, that there was no greater feeling in the world than having more than one woman with you in bed. He wished he had the same sentiment because honestly, he doesn't find what's so fun about threesomes. It was tiring and disgusting beyond means, and he still couldn't fathom the fact of sharing a lover with another in bed. Gross. Gross. GROSS.

But he had to experience it because of two women; one, a sultry vixen who believes the world is in the palm of her hands, the other an alluring shadow of her own existence competing to be in the spotlight. The first one meets Touya every Monday and the other on Fridays, and he could see a recurring pattern in the way they both lead conversations. The vixen liked herself so much, and it was apparent. So apparent Touya could even bring a tall mirror and face it on her so she would brag about how this one guy tried to seduce him at the bar a few nights ago or when her co-worker's boyfriend tried to date her in secret. She would even mention being scouted as a model but rejected all offers as she wanted to be an IT developer.

On the other hand, her bestfriend was shy but nonetheless had this air of confidence. Touya could even remember how one of the staff members asked him about her because the guy genuinely was attracted to the way she was so elegant and dainty. Her posture screamed princess vibes as she held her glass of champagne and talked to Touya about her modeling job. Touya could even tolerate this one better than the other as she wasn't being a bitch when they have an actual conversation (because he swore he dreaded every Monday seeing her).

Until one time, the two of them asked him to have sex with each of them on different days as a part of his off-duty job. Touya was already guessing, "They're gonna invite me to a threesome soon" because the way they had sex with him was always "Did she do this to you?" or "Am I more fun than her?" like they were openly comparing themselves to each other to him. And he knew they talked about it. There was no doubt.

And they did. They invited him because they shared things with each other. Because they liked the same guys. They hated the same guys. They loved the same things. They also hated the same things. They're twins from different mothers, and Touya only wished that this whole shit would go down the drain and this would be the last he would have them, thrusting up and down as the two women ground their pussies on his shaft. Their throaty moans were getting mixed in, and he bit his lip to hide his moan because there was no way he liked this. He hated this. Hated everything with every fiber of his being.

After the whole stint, Touya finally handed in his resignation letter and left. He was tired of pleasing people; weary from all this nasty chore he had been doing for the sake of living in hell.

------

Touya later learns that love and sex can coexist. When he encountered his (only) ex-girlfriend while working as a bartender at Shigaraki's bar, he found himself perplexed about how to navigate this new dynamic. They initially started as smoking buddies in the back of the building, exchanging crude jokes until they eventually exchanged phone numbers. He genuinely enjoyed spending time with her, but eventually, their connection faded into nothing.

Fun. It was what they only had next to nothing.

Her name was Ruka, and she had her long dark hair dyed blonde as she dressed in the same black outfits as him but feminine. She was all guts and foul curses, her red lips smirking teasingly. He knew from the moment they put a label on what they were that she would expect a lot from him as her boyfriend. Dates. Movies. Late-night talks. Smoking and drinking together. Hugging. Holding hands. Having sex. Touya tried his best to be the boyfriend she wanted even though he had zero idea of how to be one, and he believed at the time it was because they were dating. It turned out to him that he was simply repeating the same train of thought.

Dating is a chore. Sex is a chore. Relationships are nothing but a chore.

He was simply doing everything out of responsibility, not fully caring about himself or how Ruka would feel. He was a tad selfish that they fought a lot and he didn't swallow his pride or compromise even. He would go about his way proving his point and if he didn't, he would slam the door and leave for days, spending his nights at the bar and making it his new home. Ruka also held her pride so high she didn't even find him or apologize, and they would fall into this toxic pattern of seeing each other again after a few weeks then making out and having sex and brushing everything under the rug because emotions are getting into the way of their fun. There was no way they were ruining whatever this relationship was for a sappy one-on-one of calling each other out and promising to do better.

Touya didn't change, and he grew tired of being her dream boyfriend. He still leaves his clothes on the floor. He doesn't tell her where he went. He never goes the mile to update her. He drops by her space whenever he wanted to despite her telling him to just move in. He ghosts her and then comes back like nothing.

He was being pathetic, and she was being overbearing. She cries, thinking he will relent when he sees her tears. It doesn't change his mind though. He just gets worse. They would throw things at each other and curse. They would raise their middle fingers. They would throw hands and he'd give a punch in exchange for her slaps and hits.

Touya just left and never came back after.

------

"She was a lot different," Touya mentioned his girlfriend (the current one he thinks about so often) again to his therapist. "I know I told you this before, but the first time we did it, everything just made sense."

He didn't know how. He just felt it. It all came full circle. That morning had him almost running in fear, scared at the thought of going deeper with her because he knew he would hurt her. He will not give her whatever she wants. Those dreamy things from romance mangas? Those corny lines from romantic movies with sappy storylines? Consider them all trashed. There was no way he would give in.

But Touya will stay around. He knew to himself that he would die the moment this shit was all over; that she had changed her mind and wanted those romantic stints from the screens. But staying around didn't do it for him—especially for her. Just because he stayed around didn't mean he got what he wanted. He loved her, so, so much; yet she was sleeping with a man who's a figment of his own false identity. It was toying him upside down, especially with the way she looked at him with adoration and pure sincerity when he knew it wasn't really him.

"I want her to love me," he stressed out. "Only me."

next chap

masterlist

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hoovesandfloorpaws · 13 hours ago

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youtube

adding the 3rd interview from that day here, the one where Harry says Louis is a good boyfriend and treats him really well.

the tag here from 2015 was "and they haven't done an interview together in the last 3 1/2 years" and now it's almost 13 years later

and they have never ever been allowed to do another interview together.

clown ass Syco & Modest! behaviour

like, i need to rant for a second. my memory is awful, so i basically watched these interviews with fresh eyes and yes, they're obviously extremely comfortable with each other (and of course i see the flirting and banter and mirroring and how it sounds like they already knew every single answer the other one is gonna give and it's fucking adorable how they sometimes get lost looking at each other and how freely and easily they touch each other), but if you think about interviews where Harry actually said to Zayn, about Louis: "Don't say that.. that he's gay!" "Lou, can I give you a blowjob?" "Louis'.. Louis' boyfriend!" "And I'd marry you, Harry." "If you were a girl, who would you date?" - Louis: "Harry." "For my Valentine.. I'd choose you, Harry" "My first real crush was Louis Tomlinson." "Are you and Louis dating?" Harry: *nods & blushes* "Oh, that girl looks like Harry", then Louis: "Marriage. Sex, everything." "Female." - Harry: "Not that important." "With a man?" - Harry: "Hey, don't knock it 'till you try it!" "What does Harry taste like?" - Louis: "Salt and vinegar." and their million domestic tweets at and about each other (i'll add source links to all these later tonight)

..and these are only the ones that quickly came to me off the top of me head! There's like dozens and dozens more, oftentimes where words weren't even said and they just touched each other.. and oh my god.. the FRISCO interview, of course, where they almost climbed into each other's laps while also declaring "some people genuinely think.. they GeNuiNeLy think that we're together!" and Harry just nods, all dazed and still wearing his cock-appointment-blush and they say it again and again, yet curiously forget to say "but it's not true" lmfaooo and the air kisses and sign language love declarations and their at least 7 matching tattoos (that we know of).. the absolutely besotted way they looked at each other from day one... the way they verbally supported each other.. defended each other and got obviously jealous over someone else touching either of them.. and the rings Harry was gifted by Louis that he's still wearing almost 12 years later... like--

all of this happened without them being interviewed just the two of them or even getting a fucking segment just the two of them during things like 1D Day!

and all of this compared to how they behaved with each other during those Paris interviews.. the ones that were -to Modest! obviously too much... i mean, let's be SO fr.. in my personal opinion, those interviews are very tame compared to everything else. they're rather sweet and polite, honestly. they didn't even touch each other much; not nearly as much as they did in group interviews, because obviously that is safer, because you've got a lot more distraction for the eye with 5 guys instead of 2.

And they were the same age in Paris as they were for a lot of the things they let slip in other interviews then, where they didn't think they were being filmed or picked up by a microphone.

Obviously, the fact that they -so early on- were tried to be kept separated like that portrays just how desperate Clowndest! tried to do "damage control". And of course they failed, but not for lack of squeezing these two into such a sinister iron closet for so many years; piling up contracted lies upon contracted lies that add to all the pressure of two young people who are giving their love a try.. the more lies they piled up, the harder would it be for them later on.

and now look where we are now.

Louis & Harry Paris Interviews

How many interviews are there of just Louis and Harry? I’m talking video interviews of L + H, sans Niall, Liam or Zayn to babysit them. There seem to only be a grand total of 2. And both took place on the same day. (February 14, 2012…Was it really on Valentine’s Day??) The Teemix interview below is broken up into 4 parts, but it’s all one interview.

This post actually took me longer than you might think because I tried so hard to find other video interviews of H + L. There aren’t any. Shocking, right?

L’Interview Paris - Fan2Fr

youtube

Highlights include:

At 4:30 Louis reading Harry’s Hot and Dangerous on the fan-art: “Of course he’s hot”

4:51 Harry says of Louis, “I would describe it more as funny and handsome and rugged…A bit more manly” and Louis gives the brightest most amused smile to the camera.

The looks they give each other at the end of the video with the whole ‘dangerous dave(?)’ thing. Many people hear Harry say ‘I’ll get you for that tonight’ in response. I suck at deciphering these things, but it would make sense given Louis’ laughing reaction to it.

Teemix Interview 1 of 4

youtube

Louis’ face at 3:24 when waiting for Harry to describe Niall’s characteristics.

Louis softly pushing Harry’s hair back at 3:40 when describing him as ‘curly.’ He just..keeps..going..oh my god it’s adorable.

Teemix Interview 2 of 4

youtube

The way they finish each others’ sentences, talking about being normal lads. They seem so in sync and sound so relaxed about it.

At 0:38 – L: We still pop down to the shop every now and again– H: Bread and milk. L: Yep, the standard.

Teemix Interview 3 of 4

youtube

At 0:20 when describing their ideal girl, Harry corrects Louis’ ‘good sense of humour’ comment with ‘GREAT sense of humour’ and Louis nods ‘yeah’ with the most earnest, serious agreement I’ve ever seen from a person in a boyband answering a generic question. They’re clearly describing each other.

This entire segment is a ridiculous display of how calm and in sync these two are. Telling the story of Liam’s chat up lines, agreeing on their favourite date spots (1:35), Louis proudly suggesting ‘cook them their favourite meal’ (2:12), they’re so at ease with each other and so willing to agree on every little thing.

At 2:42 Louis tries to figure out how long he’s been with Eleanor and Harry suggests ‘a year?’. Harry’s just straight-up laughing at this point and again, clearly talking about him and Louis.

‘I would definitely say Harry is the most confident with girls’ and then he GRINS.

The way they’re smiling at each other at the end is too much. Louis tells Harry, ‘you’re on a whole new level of charm, man’ and can’t stop grinning.

Here’s a slow-mo gif of Louis’ cute head roll, when faced with having to choose his favourite love song.

Teemix Interview 4 of 4

They cut off Louis at 1:52 here and it makes me realise I can’t even imagine what the unedited version of these L + H interviews is like…

youtube

#now that i have resigned myself with the fact that i cannot add my favorite clips to this in 1 post i will #just reblog this cute as hell post and marinate in my thoughts about it #sorry i don't even know if this makes sense i slept 2 hours last night and now it's midnight again #i wish them freedom i wish they wouldn't have had to go through all this shit man #to quote Harry's diary cover: “...let us love.”#paris 2012 #valentine's day larry #Larry in Paris #un peu un peu #je m'appelle Harry et je m'appele louis #larry #video #interview #2012 #Paz rambles #in this house we HATE MODEST #in this house we HATE SYCO #Youtube

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thighguys · 16 hours ago

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Phan Fic Recs #3!!

here is the requested long fic list! these are all 100k+, not all of them are finished (i didn't put any on here that aren't actively updating tho) and all of them are SO good so i hope you enjoy :)

Silver Arrows To The Heart by @evermorepeyton (137k WIP)- this one is a duplicate from the other list but there might be a few on here, ignore that<3 anyway this fic is AMAZING!!! dan and phil formula 1 drivers au- they're both on Mercedes and lots of awesome teammates to lovers hijinks ensue<3 this one gets a special shoutout for having some fantastic female characters (who are dare i say just as intriguing as dnp themselves?) and also bc the author is a beautiful human who i love<3 a super fun fic and very in character for both of them (somehow lmao, you wouldnt expect it with racecar drivers but somehow it works so well)

dancing on the blades (you set my heart on fire) by kishere (123k)- imagine all the 2009 phan lore but if dan and phil were figure skaters. yep, it's a yuri on ice au where dan scores a spot in the famous Lester training gym and meets phil, who is one of the most well known figure skaters in england<3 fantastic fantastic fic, such perfect vibes and lots of great lester family cameos<3

Strictly Come Dancing but make it GAY! by @natigail (176k)- the final duplicate from the medium list<3 this fic is AMAZING!!!! this is the one that got me back into phanfic in general afterhaving not read any for about 6 years, it's a strictly come dancing au where phil is a hot pro dancer and dan is a celebrity/gay activist, and they accidentally become the first gay couple to compete in scd<3 FANTASTIC outfit and dance descriptions, i listened to all the songs while reading it and it was honestly so lovely i felt like i could see it so clearly<3 also- the lore references are AMAZING lol i felt like a pro every time i found a little easter egg. amazing fic, i HIGHLY recommend it<3

A Semester Abroad by @everything-is-as-it-was (162k WIP)- this one is really fun!! lots of domestic phouse vibes as it is about an american college student who gets stranded in England after a study abroad housing situation falls through and who gets accidentally taken in by these two random british guys with a REALLY weird house... sooo funny, it's really quite cute and i highly recommend giving it a read! I love outsider pov and this has an abundance of funny moments because dnp are Weird

Broke, Gay and New in Town by @natigail (347k)- do you want the softest, cutest, most magical and compelling story to ever exist??? literally look no further because right here is the dan and phil stardew valley au and it is SO CUTE!!! dan inherits a farm from his grandfather and decides to ditch his boring life to go and run it, and he has so many adventures along the way. oh yeah phil is there too and hes SO CUTE and they fall in love :3 seriously so cute, also you don't need stardew valley knowledge to enjoy this it is independently perfect (i have never played the game and actually learned what it was From this fic so ur good lol)

linger on by dizzy, waveydnp (184k)- this one is so so so sweet... non youtuber au where 33yo phil has been living with his parents, but when his dad dies his mom decides to sell the house and phil has to find somewhere new to live. so ofc he becomes roommates with some guy called dan, and ummm they fall in love? honestly they are SO perfect in this fic, i adore it<3 highly recommend

L'Histoire Française by danfanciesphil (105k)- suuuuper fun teachers au! phil is a history professor and dan is his TA. this fic is SO FUN!!!! genuinely adore it lol, it's one of the first phan fics i ever read and it has stayed with me forever<3

So Many Stars by transdimensional_void (152k)- another teachers au :) dnp meet when they both become english teachers at a school in japan and this is VERY cute <3

okay there's the list!! sorry this one is shorter than the others haha, there are too few long fics in the phandom :( but all of these are so so lovely and i hope you enjoy! lol some distractions may be needed during these trying times <3

#dan and phil #phan #dnp #phandom #dip and pip #phil lester #dan howell #dnpg #dapg #dan and phil games #phanfiction #phan fiction

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