#[so brace yourselves we are coming for you :>]

[heshemejoshi]

i feel like if you look at my octopath tag for a bit it might be obvious which ships i’m drawn to AHAHAHAH so i would rather talk about a rarepair ship that’s technically not even possible in canon because one of them is already dead and the other is killed. but it kept me making up situations for a while and it was fun!

brace yourselves, it’s yusufa x gareth YURI. i imagine this happens in a timeline where, somehow, primrose managed to get yusufa help for her wounds and leaves her in the care of zeph in clearbrook. she leaves her because, as the ending in canon states, she wants her to be free. and by leaving her she’s giving her the freedom she never had. i imagine yusufa grieves this breakup of sorts for a while, but she comes to understand why primrose took that decision while her body recovers and she gets to talk to a man who doesn’t ask Anything of her, who doesn’t want her in the way she’s been used to.

i imagine she also goes on a trip across the continent, which is where meeting gareth comes into place. idk why, i always thought it was cute if she became an apothecary apprentice with a role akin to alfyn (healing people in need just for the sake of it) and in those travels she meets a wounded gareth left to die in a cave. they stay on that one town close to where that happens during his recovery which reminds yusufa of “home” but the environment is now significantly different to her. it doesn’t want to eat her alive.

gareth’s character is an obvious foil to therion who also went through darius’ brutal discarding. in canon he has to die in order for the plot to advance and he is the Only person therion has to kill across his 4 chapters. i think in canon he also is trapped in a cycle of violence because it’s clear by how he’s played as a pawn that darius also mistreats him but he has nowhere else to go to. while therion at this point in the plot has the other 7 travelers (or.. the ravuses if you choose a loner playthrough, but i think they’re narratively much much weaker than considering the other protagonists) backing him up, gareth has no one but darius. like therion before the fall.

in a sense both gareth and yusufa have been failed by the world they live on through sheer bad luck. though we know nothing about gareth’s backstory he is with darius for a reason and he is actively crushed by him. and yusufa was sold to helgenish as a child, leaving her with no other choice than to stay with him. when yusufa meets gareth in my timeline, i think they both recognize each others as survivors, and yusufa helps guide her through her newfound unexpected freedom as gareth also shows her new paths in hers. i also imagine gareth at first struggles with not returning to darius because in a twisted way her body still feels like she has to go back, miroring yusufa's grieving and letting primrose go in the beginning.

now ONTO THE YURI PART OKAY because gareth is canonically a man. i like to think there’s transgender things happening in my games you see. i honestly have not much explanation or justification for this other than i think that gareth stands at odds with existence itself and yet she chooses to live (extremely trans coded) even if she knows she’s only good at her thievery. i believe that both of their freedom is eventually expressed through breaking gender, as well. and through gareth, yusufa can also get a new meaning of womanhood, because she’s been sexualized for it for her entire life, but gareth helps her gain a new understanding that being a woman doesn’t have to mean she’s purely valuable as an object of sexual desire.

does this make sense? probably not. i’m admitting my secrets here ok. they’ve been hiding for YEARS i never talk about them but i have based some ocs around these concepts since they resonate so much. octopath helped me fuel my creativity as i developed as a teen (and also helped me find community at a time where i needed it) and i’ll always have a soft spot for that inevitably <3

I miss octopath yapping with people so uh yknow what! We’re gonna play a game!!

Explain in the notes what y’all’s favorite ships are and why you like them!!!

Only rules are

1) do not explain why everyone should think your ship is canon, as that is not the point of this post 2) do not put any other ships down bc that is also not the point of this post 3) ALL games are included (yes including cotc) 4) ANY SHIPS ARE ALLOWED!!! GO NUTS!!!!

[grimowled]

;ooc

[sharlsworld]

༘˚⋆𐙚｡⋆ horn dog - 𝐂𝐒𝟓𝟓 ⚘

（ 𝖼𝖺𝗋𝗅𝗈𝗌 𝗌𝖺𝗂𝗇𝗓 𝗑 𝗐𝗂𝖿𝖾 𝗋𝖾𝖺𝖽𝖾𝗋 ）

（ 𝗌𝗎𝗆𝗆𝖺𝗋𝗒 ）𝖼𝖺𝗋𝗅𝗈𝗌 𝗌𝖺𝗂𝗇𝗓 𝗂𝗌 𝖺 𝗅𝗈𝗍 𝗈𝖿 𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗇𝗀𝗌．𝗁𝖾𝗌 𝖺 𝗌𝗈𝗇，𝗁𝗎𝗌𝖻𝖺𝗇𝖽，𝖿𝖺𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗋．．．𝗁𝗈𝗋𝗇𝗒

🝮

carlossainz55

liked by pierregasly and 2,184,643 others

carlossainz55 I went golfing with Lando

charles_leclerc Very nice thank you for sharing with the class Carlos

yn yeah and he asked me to pack them lunch & cut the crusts off their sandwiches

⤷ landonorris what can i say? i’m a man who knows what he wants 🤷‍♂️

⤷ yn you cried and locked yourself in the bathroom when a bee landed on your shoulder last week

⤷ landonorris hey. it was a wasp alright

⤷ yn yes yes very manly

carlando y/n is so over this bromance

maxverstappen1 Very much hurt that I wasn’t invited.

⤷ yn the last time we went golfing the club flew out of your hands before you even touched the ball

⤷ maxverstappen1 Why am I catching strays?? 😨

yn cute. the hat, not you guys

⤷ carlossainz55 I love you too baby ❤️

⤷ yn get home now

⤷ carlossainz55 Yes ma’am

⤷ oscarpiastri Walk em like a dog sis walk em like a dog ����🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

⤷ carlossainz55 Don’t make me block you again

⤷ oscarpiastri Again?

🝮

carlossainz55

liked by fernandoalo_oficial and 3,379,802 others

carlossainz55 Date night with my one and only ❤️

georgerussell63 Oh jeez here comes baby #3. Brace yourselves everyone

danielricciardo Okay who let them out for dinner unsupervised?

scuderiaferrari Betting 500$ that it’s gonna be another boy.

⤷ mclaren Get your money in order.

⤷ f1 This is inappropriate behavior. Jk I’m betting on another boy

⤷ carlossainz55 ??

⤷ f1 And if I said twins then what?

⤷ carlossainz55 ???????

landonorris be expecting a pregnancy reveal in about 3 weeks everyone.

⤷ yn well just fuck me then i guess

⤷ carlossainz55 I did?

charles_leclerc Leave that poor girl alone Carlos goodness gracious

pierregasly Lets keep this PG carlos

⤷ carlossainz55 You cannot be talking

⤷ pierregasly You right you right 🐶

alex_albon you dirty dog 😏

⤷ georgerussell63 No. Not the vibes

⤷ alex_albon oh…

alex_albon is anyone else getting hot? 🌶️🥵

⤷ georgerussell63 Just stop trying. It’s getting sad

⤷ alex_albon alright then!

🝮

yn

liked by sunisalee and 7,826,917 others

yn 💌

landonorris wait a damn minute

georgerussell63 Very confuzzled

pierregasly Teach me your ways Carlos

alex_albon does bro have super sperm??

landonorris your already pregnant??

⤷ yn BEEN 😇 that picture carlos posted was from 4 months ago

⤷ landonorris i feel very betrayed right now

⤷ landonorris THIS IS WHY WE HAVENT BEEN HANGING OUT? 💔💔

⤷ yn well we can hangout now

⤷ landonorris ok i’m coming over

♥︎ by author

lewishamilton Congratulations you two!! I’m so happy for you guys 💙

alexandrasaintmleux Hardest secret to keep 😫 So happy we can finally have our shopping dates back

⤷ carlossainz I’m not. You guys go out everyday

francisca.cgomes cutest ever 🥹🥹 i’m so excited for baby sainz #3 <33

lilymhe Hottest mommy 😉🩷 i love u all

carmenmmundt Congratulations pretty lady I’m so happy for you and your family 🩵

charles_leclerc HAHAHAH I’VE KNOWN SINCE DAY 1 YOURE ALL LOSERS

landonorris CHARLES AND ALEX KNEW ME BEFORE ME?!?!?!? CHARLES IS SUCH A BIG MOUTH THOUGH

5 minutes ago

landonorris i’m turing around right now. i just need a minute to process this.

5 minutes ago

landonorris ok i’ve processed this i’m standing outside open the door

4 minutes ago

🝮

carlossainz55

liked by georgerussell63 and 1,174,823 others

carlossainz55 The past week

alex_albon big back big back, carlos ate all the big mac’s 😍🌶️🥵😇

⤷ georgerussell63 Alex please

yn oooh hey fattie 🫶🏽

⤷ carlossainz55 Hello baby 😘❤️

francisca.cgomes baby emilio 🩵🩵

charles_leclerc I think carlos jr jr and emilio want to have another sleepover with leo and uncle charlie 😇

landonorris yum 😋 not the pizza, you 😉

scuderiaferrari Our favorite family ❤️

⤷ yn clearly not

⤷ yn who said that?

alexandrasaintmleux This is the most unaesthetic post I’ve ever seen

⤷ carlossainz55 Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed today

⤷ carlossainz55 Hold on are you saying my wife isn’t aesthetic?? And my son?? How dare you

⤷ alexandrasaintmleux No y/n and emilio are always aesthetic I’m saying you don’t know how to put the right pictures together

⤷ carlossainz55 I don’t want to hear it

lilymhe only here for my girl and the babies

⤷ carlossainz55 You’re girl??

⤷ lilymhe yes MY girl 😂

⤷ charlos4eva carlos is always fighting for his life in the comments

hoeforsainzzz y/n still being salty is so real

all4lando what i would do to be that piece of pizza isn’t okay 😫😫

operationsainz55 i’ve missed lando always being with them 🥹

sharls_leclercussy baby emilio appearance!! now we need baby los

georgerussell63 Emilio did NOT want to hand that flower over

⤷ alex_albon “emy just pretend like your giving me the flower okay?”

⤷ carlossainz55 You two are the BIGGEST haters I know. BIGGEST if yk what I mean 🐽🐽

⤷ georgerussell63 What are you trying to say Carlos?

⤷ carlossainz55 I’m say you guys are fatties, might wanna cut back on the drinks, you girls are getting beer bellies

⤷ georgerussell63 How dare you, you bastard. I do not drink beer.

charles_leclerc Biggie & biggie jr ❤️

🝮

yn

liked by meretmanon and 2,234,890 others

yn i love you nyc

alexandrasaintmleux We need a girls trip to nyc

⤷ yn omg yes i’m already writing ideas in my notes app

⤷ alexandrasaintmleux Already making a mood board

⤷ carlossainz55 We’ll be back in December everyone

⤷ alexandrasaintmleux we?

⤷ yn as in me and alex?

⤷ carlossainz55 Wow

⤷ charles_leclerc Wow

landonorris me and the boys just got done absolutely demolishing some dino nuggets

⤷ yn that sounds very fun lando thank you for sharing with us

⤷ alex_albon they left you guys at the hotel? 😭

⤷ landonorris no they shipped me and the babies back to monaco to have some “alone time” if yk what i mean

⤷ georgerussell63 The baby doesn’t get hurt?

⤷ maxverstappen1 I don’t think it’s big enough to reach 😂

⤷ carlossainz55 Excuse me? I’ll let you know that I have bruised her cervix many times

⤷ landonorris Carlos sainz are you saying your saying you rough up your wife? 🫢 you dirty dog

⤷ alex_albon oh so he can say it but not me?

⤷ carlossainz55 What can I say she likes it that way

⤷ georgerussell63 You don’t need to be big to bruise someone’s cervix

⤷ carlossainz55 Tell that to her belly bulge

⤷ alex_albon and how would you know that George Russell? 🤨

⤷ georgerussell63 Google ho 🤣

⤷ oscarpiastri who is this DIVA💜

⤷ lewishamilton Wow sometimes I forget your not a middle aged man

⤷ oscarpiastri Like you? 🤣🤣 might be time to hang up the helmet old man💀 and rookie Alonso

⤷ fernandoalo_oficial What he say fuck me for??

⤷ yn idk leave me alone

scuderiaferrari Hope you all are having the best time in NYC ❤️

⤷ mclaren Read the fucking room?

⤷ redbullracing Ooh someone took the lead and don’t know how to act 🙄

⤷ mercedesamgf1 I HATE YOU ALL

⤷ f1 ho is u coo?

🝮

landonorris

liked by pierregasly and 1,121,672 others

landonorris life as a single mom

BEING A MOM IS A JOB TO GUYS!!

yn oh shut your face

⤷ landonorris can you not yell?? i just put the boys to bed jeez

⤷ yn are you being cereal right now 😐

⤷ landonorris someone didn’t get d down last night

⤷ yn i’m gonna punch you in the throat when i get back to monaco

⤷ landonorris carlos!! control your woman!

⤷ carlossainz55 No thanks she scares me 🥰

⤷ landonorris at least give her some of that d man

⤷ carlossainz55 She’s been gettin it trust

⤷ yn why is our sex life always the topic of conversation??

⤷ carlossainz55 Bitches wish they were us

⤷ landonorris ooh we love a sassy man 💋

⤷ yn what is wrong with you

⤷ landonorris please don’t use that tone with me i’m feeling very sensitive right now

⤷ yn aww is it that time of the month

⤷ landonorris i’m the sweetest girl in town so why are you sooo mean? 💔😞🖤😖

oscarpiastri They always look like they just got back from war after being with you for more then 24 hours

charles_leclerc Let’s pray you don’t have kids until your at least 30

⤷ yn you’re*

⤷ oscarpiastri you’re*

⤷ lewishamilton you’re*

⤷ alexandrasaintmleux you’re*

⤷ landonorris your*

⤷ landonorris fuck i can’t do anything right

⤷ charles_leclerc I GET IT DAMN

⤷ charles_leclerc hahaha lando go back to school

⤷ landonorris you coming with me genius?

⤷ charles_leclerc damn

danielricciardo Now why would they trust you with two kids under 5

⤷ landonorris you’d be surprised with how much they trust me with…that’s right guys i know their dirty secrets 😏🍆🍑

⤷ carlossainz55 I’ll spill all your dirty secrets if you spill any of my dirty secrets

⤷ geogrerussell63 How are you guys getting that font??

⤷ landonorris it’s a secret

🝮

yn

liked by oliviajade and 4,769,106 others

yn surprise surprise,

mathéo & malachi 🤍 our little miracles

alexandrasaintmleux So much love 🤍 I’m obsessed with them already 🥰🥰

landonorris two more godsons to love 💙

f1 What did I say? Congratulations you two we are all so happy for your family 💙💙

carmenmmundt How precious 🥹🥹

alex_albon so what i’m hearing is carlos DOES have super sperm?

lilyzneimer sweet angel babies 🤍🤍

scuderiaferrari Does this mean we get 1000?? 😁😁

⤷ mclaren I was jking I knew it was gonna be a boy

⤷ f1 Hahahaha you have to pay both of us now 😂🫵🏽

francisca.cgomes so much boys 😭🩵🩵 i can’t wait to meet them 🥹

lewishamilton double trouble 💙💙💙 beautiful blessings truly

landonorris 4 is the best number 😏

⤷ yn don’t make me get pregnant again just to make it 5

⤷ landonorris gonna go cry in the bathroom brb

⤷ yn don’t come back ❤️

⤷ landonorris my heart can’t take this anymore

georgerussell63 You poor girl how are you surviving with all these boys??? 😦

⤷ yn i love my clingy boys

charles_leclerc Can’t wait to get them on the track

⤷ carlossainz55 You and me both brother

⤷ estiebestie i’m not okay

danielricciardo Congratulations on expanding your football team 💙

lilymhe milf 4x 😉 in absolute awe of them 🩵

pierregasly Carlos Sainz the man that you are

carlossainz55 I love you and our sons more then life itself baby, I couldn’t imagine doing this with anyone but you ❤️

⤷ landonorris SOMEBODY SEDATE ME

⤷ maxverstappen1 Come on grandpa, let’s get you back to bed

[brittle-doughie]

Doomsday is Calling (Creme Republic)

———————————————————————

Cookie Union Officer: “Excuse me, sir. I can’t let you in.”

Pure Vanilla couldn’t believe it. He had arrived to the Creme Republic along with the other heroes and leaders to discuss the threat of the Beasts.

Yet he was being..turned away?

Cookie Union Officer: “That is right. Unfortunately, you were not invited and neither was your companion.”

White Lily Cookie: “I’m sorry, Pure Vanilla Cookie. I’ve tainted your reputation…”

Y/N Cookie: “Come on, can’t you make an exception? White Lily is not the same as Dark Enchantress Cookie.”

Cookie Union Officer: “Forgive me, Great Y/N Cookie, but haven’t you heard? The Vanilla Kingdom’s membership in the Union has been suspended due to ties with our enemy. As much as I hate going against your word, the Union has made their decision final on this matter.”

Y/N Cookie: “I…er…”

Clotted Cream Cookie: “….”

Golden Cheese Cookie: “….”

Pure Vanilla Cookie: “Y/N Cookie, please. You are also aware that the two are different, don’t you?”

Cookie Union Officer: “I’ll have to ask you to vacate the premises…”

———————————————————————

DOOOT!

Cookie Union Soldier: The forces of the Beasts. We’re doomed…argh! They’re cutting through our defenses!

Y/N Cookie: “Crumbs, we have to fall back to the last defense line!”

Dumpling Cookie: “Go! We’ll cover you!”

Y/N Cookie: “Come on, Cookies! We’re pulling back!”

Salsa Cookie: “They’re already here! Brace yourselves!”

Crowned Cupcake Cookie: “No Beast can ever put me away from you!”

Cookie Union Soldier: “Too powerful…ugh!”

The walls set up to protect the perimeter are brought down with a mighty force. You and the others brace yourselves for the impending attack.

Arrows fire right at Salsa Cookie, who did her best to dodge or deflect them, but it came at the cost of exhausting her. This left her with just a large enough blind spot for an arrow to strike her side, making her yell out in pain.

Burning Spice Cookie rushed at Crowned Cupcake, trading blows with their weapons. Both having a rush with their strikes, but share the same goal of bringing down the opponent before them. Crowned tried as she might, but one powerful strike was enough to send Crowned Cupcake flying back and landing next to you.

Dumpling Cookie, being left with no choice, readied her dual chopsticks.

A flash of purple light from amidst the smoke was all the warning she got before Silent Salt Cookie rushed at her with their blade, blocking them just in the nick of time.

You needed a bit to try and drag back Salsa and Crowned to safety, but that was barely enough before Dumpling herself was pushed back towards you.

Dumpling Cookie: “Go, Y/N Cookie. Run!”

Get it? :D

Y/N Cookie: “I won’t leave you!”

Mystic Flour Cookie: “Then allow me to do it for you. Fall.”

The three cookies before you started to cough as they turned pale.

Y/N Cookie: “No! What are you doing!”

Shadow Milk Cookie: “Lookie lookie, I found my Cookie!”

Y/N Cookie: “I’ll stop you! No matter what it takes!”

Shadow Milk Cookie: “Ooh, so scary~! Come on, Y/N Cookie. Your Guardians can’t save you this time~! Isn’t this just so fun to finally meet uninterrupted~?”

Mystic Flour Cookie: “This was a long time coming, Y/N Cookie. Futile as always to try and fight it…”

Burning Spice Cookie: “How incredibly BORING! Why did I expect a princess to entertain me with that effort!”

Silent Salt Cookie: “….”

Eternal Sugar Cookie: “Finally, my love! Oh, how I’ve waited all this time! I can way better than a dainty princess!”

Y/N Cookie: “You-“

Pure Vanilla Cookie: “No….”

Y/N Cookie: “What the?”

You turned to your right to see Pure Vanilla Cookie, his head down as he muttered his words. Was he watching this whole time?

His head suddenly snapped up and for the first time in ever, he was angry. He was very angry…

Pure Vanilla Cookie: “YOU WILL ALL REGRET COMING HERE! I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOU!!!”

———————————————————————

[tsumuus]

miscommunication | k. bakugou

The dorm was buzzing, the sound of laughter and chatter filling the space as third-year students from all the courses mingled, slightly intoxicated and carefree. The party was being held at the Class 3A dorms, a casual celebration before graduation loomed over them in a month’s time. You were sitting with your usual group of friends in the living room, a cozy spot claimed by the UA third-years who had grown close over the years. The conversation flowed effortlessly, a combination of inside jokes and fond reminiscing.

You leaned back, half-listening, as Kaminari animatedly recounted a particularly embarrassing moment during a training session. The room around you was a blur of voices and the faint buzz of alcohol, your own drink sitting untouched beside you.

A familiar voice cut through the conversation- Mina’s voice, mischievous and teasing. “Alright, let’s make this interesting. Who’s up for a game of truth or dare?”

A round of cheers and groans echoed, but no one declined. You, included.

A few rounds passed, mostly tame dares and truths that had the group howling with laughter. Then, it was your turn. Mina’s eyes sparkled as she looked at you, a smirk playing on her lips. “yn, truth or dare?”

"Dare," you said without hesitation, already bracing yourself for whatever chaos she might come up with.

“I dare you,” Mina began, her grin widening as she drew out the suspense, “to kiss whoever in the group you have or have had a crush on before.”

Your heart skipped a beat.

The room seemed to fall silent, all eyes on you as you contemplated the dare. You could feel your pulse quicken, but you didn’t flinch. Instead, you sat there for a moment, deep in thought. It wasn't like you were going to back down from it- no, not in front of them.

As you stood up, you made brief eye contact with Bakugou, your stomach twisting for just a second. But you quickly looked away, letting your feet carry you toward Sero. The kiss was short, simple, nothing more than a soft brush of your lips against his, but it was enough to make everyone in the room gasp. Mina's shocked scream followed immediately after.

“When? How? What?!” Mina sputtered, clearly taken aback.

You giggled, shaking your head. “I had a tiny crush on him in first year, but it faded when we all became friends.”

Everyone laughed, even Sero, although the surprise lingered in the room. The game resumed, but your mind was elsewhere. You couldn’t shake the memory of that split second of eye contact with Bakugou, the intensity that had flickered in his gaze.

The party began to wind down after a few more rounds. People were slowly heading back to their dorms, tired or tipsy from the night. You and Bakugou excused yourselves around the same time, naturally falling into step beside each other as you walked toward the elevator. Being dorm neighbors had made this routine normal, but tonight, it felt slightly different.

The silence between you two stretched until Bakugou broke it.

“So… Sero, huh?” His voice was gruff, teasing, but there was an edge to it.

You rolled your eyes, a blush creeping up your cheeks. “Shut up.”

He snorted, the faintest hint of a smirk tugging at his lips. He thought your blush was because of Sero, but it wasn’t. Not entirely.

As you stepped off the elevator and walked down the hall toward your rooms, he kept up his teasing, throwing a few more remarks your way. But there was something off about the way he looked at you before you both said goodnight. His crimson eyes lingered, and for a moment, you thought you saw something deeper, something raw. But before you could say anything, the moment passed, and you parted ways.

In your room, you lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, replaying the night in your head. Bakugou’s teasing echoed in your mind, but it was the way he looked at you that you couldn’t shake.

Bakugou couldn’t sleep.

He stared up at the ceiling, hands folded behind his head as the memory of the night replayed in his mind, more specifically, that kiss. The kiss you had shared with Sero. His blood boiled at the thought, but not because of Sero. Hell, it wasn’t even about the kiss. It was about the realization that hit him harder than any explosion he could conjure.

There was a tightening in his chest that he hated. Anger. Frustration. Disappointment. All of it swirled together, creating a storm of emotions he wasn’t prepared to deal with. He had always kept his distance emotionally, convinced himself that you were just another part of the group, just another friend. And yet, seeing you kiss someone else- even if it was nothing- had set off something inside him that he couldn’t ignore anymore.

“So, Sero, huh?” His own words from earlier echoed in his mind, and he clenched his jaw. He had tried to play it off, but the truth was he had been stupid to think there wasn’t something between the two of you. He had always felt it, that undeniable pull, but he refused to acknowledge it. Refused to admit it even to himself.

He scoffed bitterly, sitting up in bed. You had always seemed so close with everyone else. He’d watch you laugh with Kirishima, joke around with Kaminari, and now… kiss Sero. He thought he wasn’t even close to you compared to the others. And maybe you thought the same. But that wasn’t the truth, was it? Not for him, at least.

He had felt that connection with you, something deeper, something real. But it scared him. Bakugou didn’t do feelings. He didn’t do romance. He didn’t do vulnerability. So he buried it. Buried it so deep he convinced himself it wasn’t there.

But it was. And now, watching you with someone else, even if it meant nothing, tore him apart.

He clenched his fists. This was stupid. He was angry at himself for ever getting his hopes up, for thinking you could feel something for him. And the worst part? He couldn’t even be mad at you.

But he could ignore you.

Yeah. He’d just close himself off, avoid you. Push it all down like he always did. It was easier that way. If he didn’t have to face you, he didn’t have to face his own feelings.

Two weeks had passed since the party, and the days leading up to graduation felt like a blur. Everyone was busy, caught up in their final assignments, training sessions, and preparations for life after UA. You noticed the subtle shift in Bakugou almost immediately, but at first, you brushed it off. Everyone was busy; it wasn’t unusual for people to become distant with all the chaos going on.

But as the days went by, it became harder to ignore. Bakugou wasn’t just distant- he was actively avoiding you.

It started small. He wouldn’t sit near you during lunch or training. He’d avoid making eye contact during group hangouts, barely acknowledging you with more than a grunt if you tried to talk to him. You kept coming up with excuses for him in your head- maybe he was just stressed. Maybe he had a lot on his mind with graduation coming up. But the more you thought about it, the more obvious it became that something had changed.

And it wasn’t just you imagining things. He was deliberately shutting you out.

At first, you tried not to let it bother you. You told yourself that Bakugou had always been unpredictable, hot and cold, and maybe this was just one of those phases. But when it got to the point where he was ignoring you even during group activities, even when everyone else was laughing and joking around, you couldn’t pretend anymore.

Something was wrong, and you had no idea what it was.

It was late, and the dorm building was quiet. Everyone had gone to bed hours ago, but you were still awake, sitting outside your room, waiting. You hadn’t seen Bakugou all day- not surprising, given how he’d been avoiding you. But tonight, you were determined to confront him. You couldn’t go on like this, not knowing what had gone wrong.

Finally, you heard the sound of footsteps approaching down the hallway, and you stood up, your heart racing. Bakugou rounded the corner, his hands shoved in his pockets, his expression as unreadable as ever.

“Hey, 'Suki,” you greeted, trying to keep your tone light. “Been a while since we talked, huh?”

He grunted in reply, not even looking at you as he walked past.

“Why are you up so late? You’re usually the first in bed,” you pressed, following him toward his door.

“I was busy,” he muttered, clearly lying.

“Yeah, seems like we’re all so busy these days.” There was a long pause, the silence heavy between you.

“…Did you need somethi—”

“Why have you been ignoring me?” you cut him off, your voice more direct than you intended.

“What?” He finally looked at you, his brows furrowing.

“I said, why have you been ignoring me?” You repeated, crossing your arms.

He let out a fake laugh, shaking his head. “Go to bed, you’re going crazy.”

“I’m not going crazy, Bakugou,” you shot back. “I know we haven’t always been the closest of friends, but we were friends, right? And these last couple of weeks… it’s like I don’t even exist.”

Bakugou’s jaw tightened at your words, his hands clenching into fists at his sides. For a moment, you saw a flash of something- guilt, frustration, maybe even hurt- cross his face, but it was gone as quickly as it came.

“I don’t owe you an explanation,” he grumbled, turning away from you and reaching for his door.

“Yes, you do,” you insisted, stepping closer. “You can’t just act like we’re strangers all of a sudden without giving me a reason. Did I do something wrong?”

Your voice softened with the last question, and for some reason, that seemed to push him over the edge. He spun around to face you, his eyes blazing.

“Why do you care so much?” he snapped. “It’s not like we’re best friends or anything. I’m not one of your damn buddies you need to check up on all the time.”

His words stung more than you expected, but you didn’t back down. “You’re right. We’re not best friends. But we’ve spent the last three years together, and you know what? I thought we at least meant something to each other. I just thought you cared.”

“Why would you think that?” His voice was quieter now, as if he was struggling to keep it steady. “Because we joked around a few times? Because I put up with you during training? That doesn’t mean-”

“Because I thought we had a connection!” you interrupted, your voice louder than you intended. You took a deep breath, trying to calm yourself, but your emotions were spilling out now. “I don’t know what it was, but it was there. And now you’re acting like none of it ever mattered.”

His gaze flickered, his expression hardening again. “You’re overthinking it,” he muttered, but there was no conviction in his voice. He turned toward his door again, clearly wanting to end the conversation, but you weren’t going to let him walk away this time.

“Bakugou, look at me,” you said firmly, reaching out to grab his wrist before he could leave. He froze, his muscles tensing under your touch. “I'd like to say that I know you pretty well, okay? If you’re mad at me, just say it.”

For a moment, you thought he would brush you off again. But then, he turned his head just enough for you to see the conflicted expression on his face. When he spoke, his voice was low, almost a growl. “You really don’t get it, do you?”

Your brow furrowed in confusion. “Get what?”

He jerked his wrist free from your grip, his eyes locking onto yours with a mix of anger and something else- something you couldn’t quite place. “I was mad because I didn’t want to see you with anyone else,” he spat out, his voice full of frustration. “There, I said it. You happy now?”

The words hung in the air, heavy and raw, and for a moment, you didn’t know what to say. The realization hit you like a punch to the gut. “You were jealous?”

Bakugou let out a humorless laugh, running a hand through his hair. “Yeah, dumbass. I was jealous,” he admitted, his voice rough. “I didn’t know what the hell I was doing, okay? I’m not good with… this kind of stuff.” He gestured vaguely between the two of you. “So, yeah, I started avoiding you. Figured it’d be easier than dealing with whatever this is.”

Your heart was pounding in your chest, and you could barely process what he was saying. “But why didn’t you just… tell me?” you asked, your voice soft, hesitant. “Why did you have to shut me out?”

“Because I don’t know how to do this,” he snapped, frustration clear in his voice. “I didn’t know how to deal with my feelings, and I sure as hell didn’t want to ruin whatever we had just because I couldn’t keep my shit together.”

He was breathing heavily now, his eyes intense as they bore into yours. For the first time, you saw just how much he had been struggling with his emotions, how hard it had been for him to admit any of this. And in that moment, you realized that you weren’t the only one who had felt a connection, who had been afraid of what it might mean.

Taking a tentative step closer, you reached out and placed a hand on his arm. “You don’t have to know everything, Bakugou,” you said gently. “We can figure it out, if that’s what you want.”

He stared at you for a long moment, as if trying to gauge whether you were serious. Then, he let out a sigh, the tension in his shoulders finally easing. “Yeah,” he muttered, his voice softer than you’d ever heard it. “That wouldn’t be so bad.”

A small, tentative smile tugged at the corners of your lips. “So, does this mean you’ll stop avoiding me?”

“Don’t push your luck,” he grumbled, but there was a faint, reluctant smile on his face as well. “I’m still pissed at you for kissing Sero.”

You couldn’t help but laugh. “It was a dare! It didn’t mean anything.”

“Better not,” he muttered, though the possessive edge to his tone was softened by the warmth in his eyes.

For the first time in weeks, the air between you felt lighter, the tension finally broken. As you stood there, facing each other, you couldn’t help but feel that maybe, just maybe, this was the start of something new. Something that neither of you were fully prepared for, but were finally ready to explore.

a/n im so done w school ive gotten an average of 4 1/2 hours of sleep every night this week 😩

masterlist

[resplendent-ragamuffin]

I have encountered issues with JVP in the past in regards to not accommodating kashrut/shabbat observance (and wheelchairs), but previously hasn’t heard about the Mikvah thing. Do you have any sources I can refer to?

Oh boy. Oh boy oh boy oh boy. The noise I made when I saw this ask.

You are probably unaware but I have literally been working on a post on this topic since February. Bless you for asking me about it and giving me a reason to share it. Genuinely. I'm delighted.

Without further ado, now that I've finally finished:

On the JVP Mikveh BS

Some of you are no doubt aware of the Jewish Voice for Peace Mikveh Guide (on JVP’s website here, and here on the Wayback Machine in case that link breaks). You may have seen the post I reblogged about it, you may have seen the post about JVP in general on @is-the-thing-actually-Jewish, or you may have heard about it elsewhere. Or maybe you’ve somehow managed to avoid all knowledge of its existence. (God I wish that were me.) Even if you know about it, even if you’ve scanned through it, you probably haven’t taken the time to read it through properly.

I have.

God help me.

I was originally looking through it to help draft the @is-the-thing-actually-Jewish post back in February, but some terrible combination of horror, indignation, and probably masochism compelled me to do a close reading, so that I could write this analysis and share it with you, dear readers. For those of you who’ve never heard of a mikvah, for those of you who’ve immersed in one, for those of you who’ve studied it intensely—I give you this, the fruit of my suffering, so you too can understand why “Mikveh: A Purification Ritual for Personal and Collective Transformation,” written by Zohar Lev Cunningham and Rebekah Erev for Jewish Voice for Peace has got so many people up in arms.

Brace yourselves. It’s going to be a long journey.

First off, a disclaimer: When I say something is “required in Jewish law” or whatnot, I’m talking about in traditional practice / Torah-observant communities; what is often called “Orthodox.” There’s a wide range of Jewish practice, and what is required in frum (observant) Judaism may not be required in Reform Judaism, etc. Don’t at me.

Second note: I myself am Modern Orthodox, and come from that perspective. I’m also very much more on the rationalist side than the mysticism side of things. I did run this past people from other communities. Still, if I’ve missed or misrepresented something, it was my error and was not meant maliciously.

Third: I am not a rabbi. I am a nerd who likes explaining things and doing deep dives. Again, I may have made errors–please let me know if you spot any, and I’d be happy to discuss them.

Now then. Before we get into the text itself, let’s give some background.

WHAT IS THIS MIKVEH THING ANYWAY?

A mikveh (or mikvah, both they and I switch between spellings; plural mikva’ot) is a Jewish ritual bath, sometimes translated as an immersion pool. Some communities or organizations that run mikva’ot will have a single all-purpose all-purpose, some have separate human- and utensil-pools, and some have separate women’s and men’s pools. The majority of the water in a mikvah has to be “living waters,” i.e. naturally collected rather than from a tap or a bucket. Some natural bodies of water can also be used, such as the ocean and some rivers (ask your local rabbi). The construction is complicated and has extremely detailed requirements. Here’s an example of a modern mikvah:

(By Wikimedia Commons (ויקיגמדון) - Own work, Public Domain, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=17373540)

Whoever is being dunked (the scientific term) has to be entirely immersed, and the water has to be in direct contact with all of them. That means no clothes, no makeup, no hair floating on the top of the water, no feet touching the floor, no clenched fists. You have to be completely clean as well, so no dirt is obstructing you from the water.

In essence, a person or thing is immersed in a mikvah to change their/its state from tameh (ritually “impure”) to tahor (ritually “pure”). I use quotes because “pure/impure” aren’t really good translations—they have value judgments that tameh/tahor don’t. There’s nothing wrong with being tameh, you aren’t lesser because you are tameh—it’s just a state one enters when one comes into contact with death and related concepts. (There are also different levels of both.) As a matter of fact, technically speaking even after going to a mikvah basically all people are tameh now—the tum’ah (“impurity,” sort of) that comes from contact with dead humans can only be removed by the Red Heifer offering (see Numbers 19), which we can’t do without the Temple. (Why I say “all” even if you’ve never been to a funeral is a much much longer tangent that I’ll spare you for now.) To quote one of my editors on this, mikvah is “about the natural oscillation between states of ritual purity and impurity. Men go to mikveh after having seminal emissions. Menstruating women go to mikveh on a monthly basis (emphasis added).” It’s just states of life.

In the days of the Temple, one had to be tahor to enter it (the Temple). Archaeologists have found a ton of ancient mikva’ot in Jerusalem that were presumably used by people visiting the Temple, which personally I think is extremely cool.

Nowadays, there are three main traditionally required uses for a mikvah. First, and most importantly, observant married women will go about once a month as part of their niddah (menstrual) cycle, part of practice known as Taharat HaMishpacha, or “Family ‘Purity,’” which at its root is a way to sanctify the relationship between spouses. Until she immerses, a wife and husband cannot resume relations. And not just sex—in some communities, they can’t sleep in the same bed or even have any physical contact at all.

The second use is for conversion—immersion is a central part of the conversion ceremony. One enters the water a gentile, and emerges a Jew.

The third usage is a bit different as it’s not for people. Tableware—plates, cups, etc.—made of certain materials have to be immersed before they can be used. This isn’t what the Guide is about, so I’m not going to go into that as much, but felt remiss if I didn’t mention it was a thing. If you want to know more, Chabad has an article on it here.

Aside from uses required by Jewish law, there is a strong tradition in some communities for men to go to the mikveh just before Yom Kippur, or sometimes every week before the Sabbath, to enter the holiday in as “pure” a state as possible these days. (The things they’re “purifying” from still made them tameh, it just matters less without the Temple.) There is also a strong custom to immerse before one’s wedding. Less traditional communities have also started using mikvah for other transitional moments, such as significant birthdays or remission from cancer. There has recently been an “open mikvah” movement, which “is committed to making mikveh accessible to Jews of all denominations, ages, genders, sexual orientations, and abilities (Rising Tide Network old website, “Why Open Mikvah”).”

To quote others:

No other religious establishment, structure or rite can affect the Jew in this way and, indeed, on such an essential level. —Rebbetzen Rivkah Slonim, Total Immersion, as quoted on Chabad.org

The mikveh is one of the most important parts of a Jewish community. —Kylie Ora Lobell, “What Is a Mikveh?” on Aish.com

How important? According to Rav Moshe Feinstein, one of the great American rabbis of the 20th century, one should build a mikveh before building a synagogue in a town that has neither, and even in a town where there is a mikveh but it’s an inconvenient distance away from the community (Igros Moshe: Choshen Mishpat Chelek 1 Siman 42).

A mikveh is more important than a synagogue.

I’d say that’s pretty important.

Tl;dr: A mikveh is the conduit through which a convert becomes a part of the Jewish people. It is traditionally used to sanctify the relationship between spouses. It was required for people to go to the Temple, back when we still had it. It is extremely central to Jewish practice.

So. What does JVP have to say about it?

THE JVP MIKVEH GUIDE

The document in question is titled “Mikveh: A Purification Ritual for Personal and Collective Transformation,” by Zohar Lev Cunningham and Rebekah Erev. I am largely going to quote directly from the text and then analyze and explain it.

Now let me be clear. I’m not trying to say the authors aren’t Jewish. I’m not saying they’re bad people, or that you should attack them. I am not intending any of this as an ad hominem attack. But given the contents of this document, I do think it is fair to call this appropriative, even if it is of their own culture—in the same way someone can have internalized racism, or twist feminism into being a TERF, I would argue that this is twisting Judaism into paganism. In fact, while I use “appropriation” throughout this document, an extremely useful term that’s been coined recently is “cultural expropriation”--essentially, appropriative actions done by rogue members of the community in question. One example of this would be the Kabbalah Centre in Los Angeles, which is the source of a lot of the Madonna-style “pop Kabbalah.” It was founded by an Orthodox Jewish couple, but it and its followers are widely criticized by most Jewish communities. In much the same way, the Guide is expropriation. 

We start off with a note from the authors.

Hello, Welcome to the Simple Mikveh Guide. This work comes out of many years of reclaiming and re-visioning mikveh. The intention of this guide is to acknowledge and give some context to what mikveh is, provide resources related to mainstream understanding of mikveh and also provide alternative mikveh ideas. Blessings for enjoyment of this wonderful, simple Jewish ritual! Zohar Lev Cunningham & Rebekah Erev

This is fairly normal, though “alternative mikveh ideas” is a bit odd to say. I also find “blessings for enjoyment” to be odd phrasing, somewhat reminiscent of the Wiccan “Blessed Be,” but it could be a typo.

The first main section is titled “Intro to Mikveh,” and begins as follows:

Mikveh is an ancient Jewish ritual practice of water immersion, traditionally used for cleansing, purification, and transformation. It's been conventionally used for conversion to Judaism, for brides, and for niddah, the practice of cleansing after menstruation.

This is relatively accurate, and credit where credit is due avoids making niddah out to be patriarchal BS. I do object slightly to “purify” as a translation without further explanation, as I went into above, and “cleansing” for similar reasons—it implies “dirtiness,’ which isn’t really what tum’ah is about. Also, though this is pretty minor, a bride going to the mikveh before her wedding is actually a part of the laws of niddah. I’d also note that they entirely leave out that it was important for going to the Temple in ancient times, though given this is published by JVP I’m not terribly surprised.

For Jews, water signifies the transformative moment from slavery in Egypt, through the parted Red Sea, and into freedom.

On the one hand, I suppose it’s not unreasonable to connect the Red Sea and mikveh, though I think I’d be more likely to hear it the other way around (i.e. “going through the sea was like the people immersing in a mikveh and being ‘cleansed,’ so to speak”). Though they were, rather importantly, not actually immersed in the water. However I don’t think I’d say water as a whole signifies the Splitting of the Sea. In fact, water imagery is more often used to signify the Torah, see for instance Bava Kamma 82a.

There is also a mystical connection to mikveh as a metaphor for the womb of the divine.

A mikveh being like a womb is also not uncommon. It’s found in the Reishis Chochmah (Shia’ar HaAhavah 11,58) and the writing of Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan (The Aryeh Kaplan Anthology, vol 2., p. 382; both as quoted in 50 Mikvahs That Shaped History, by Rabbi Ephraim Meth), see also “The Mikveh’s Significance in Traditional Conversion” by Rabbi Maurice Lamm on myjewishlearning. Filled with water, you float in it, you emerge a new being (at least for conversion); it’s not an absurd comparison to draw. I’m not sure I’ve found anything for the Womb of the Divine specifically, though. (Also, Divine should definitely be capitalized.)

Entering a mikveh is a transformative and healing experience and we have long wondered why it is not available to more people, including the significant trans and queer populations in Jewish communities.

So. I am NOT going to say there’s no problem with homophobia and/or transphobia in Jewish communities. It’s definitely a community issue, and many communities are grappling with it in various ways as we speak. And I’m certainly not going to say the authors didn’t have the experience of not having a mikveh available to them—I don’t know their lives, I’m not going to police their experiences.

However, while Orthodox mikvahs are often still restricted to married women (who by virtue of the community will generally be cis and married to men) and potentially adult men (given the resources and customs, as mentioned above), there are plenty of more liberal mikva’ot these days. Some even explicitly offer rituals for queer events! The list of reasons to go to the mikvah linked up above, for instance, includes:

(Mayyim Hayyim, “Immersion Ceremonies”)

Again, that’s not to say there aren’t issues of queerphobia in the Jewish community, but if you are queer and want to go to the mikvah, there are options out there. If you’re looking, I’ve included some links at the end.

When we make ritual, we are working with the divine forces of presence and intention. The magic of mikveh comes in making contact with water. Contact with water marks a threshold and functions as a portal to bring closer our ritual intention/the world to come.

This is…a weird way to put things. I would say this is the start of the red flags. “When we make ritual,” first of all, is, to quote @the-library-alcove (who helped edit this), “a turn of phrase that is not typically associated with any branch of Jewish practice; we have a lot--a LOT--of rituals, and while it's certainly not completely outside of the realm of Jewish vernacular, the tone here, especially in light of the later sections, starts veering towards the vernacular of neo-paganism.” One might say “make kiddush” (the blessing over wine on Shabbos and holidays) or “make motzi” (the blessing over bread), but not generally “make ritual.”

The next section is titled “Who Gets to Do Mikveh?” Their answer:

Everyone! Mikveh practice is available to all of us as a healing tool at any time.

The healing tool part isn’t the original purpose of mikveh, but there are some who have used it as a part of emotional recovery from something traumatic, by marking a new state of being free from whatever caused it, see for instance Mayyim Hayyim’s list linked above.

The “everyone” bit is a little more complicated. To explain why, we’re going to skip ahead a little. (Some of these quotes will also be analyzed in full later.)

We want to make mikveh practice available as a tool to all Jews and non-Jews who want to heal wounds caused by white supremacy and colonialism. [..] To us, a queer mikveh welcomes anyone, regardless of spiritual background or not. […] Queer mikveh is accessible physically and spiritually to any and all people who are curious about it. You don't have to be a practicing Jew to enter queer mikveh. You don't have to be Jewish. (pg. 2, emphasis added)

Now, I am told there are mikva’ot that allow non-Jews to immerse. I have yet to find them, so I don’t know what rituals they allow non-Jews to do. I also haven’t been able to find any resources on non-Jews being allowed to immerse. I have found quite a few that explicitly prohibit it. If there are any sources you know of, please send them to me! I’d love to see them! But so far everything I have come across has said that mikvah immersion is a closed practice that only Jews can participate in. (Technically, to quote the lovely @etz-ashashiot, any non-Jew can do mikvah…once. And they won’t be non-Jews when they emerge. There is also one very extreme edge-case, which is absolutely not mainstream knowledge or practice, and basically isn’t actually done. You can message me if you’re curious, but it’s really not relevant to this–and even in that case, it is preferable to use a natural mikvah rather than a man-made one.)

If there are any legitimate sources that allow non-Jews to do a mikvah ritual, I would assume said non-Jews would be required to be respectful about it. Unfortunately, this is how the paragraph we began with continues:

Who Gets to Do Mikveh? Everyone! Mikveh practice is available to all of us as a healing tool at any time. You don't need any credentials. Your own wisdom is all the power you need to be a Jewish ritual leader. (emphasis added)

This is where we really go off the rails. First of all, you need more than “wisdom” to lead a Jewish ritual. You need to actually know what you’re doing. You can’t just say “oh you know what I feel like the right thing to do for morning prayers is to pray to the sun, because God created the sun so the sun is worth worshiping, and this is a Jewish ritual I’m doing.” That’s just idolatry. Like straight up I stole that from a midrash (oral tradition) about how humanity went from speaking with God in the Garden of Eden to worshiping idols in the time of Noah (given here by Maimonides; note that it continues for a few paragraphs after the one this link sends you to).

Second of all, this is particularly bad given this guide is explicitly to Jews and non-Jews. As @daughter-of-stories put it when she was going over an earlier draft of this analysis, “they are saying that non-Jews can just declare themselves Jewish ritual leaders based on nothing but their own ‘wisdom.’”

I hope I don’t need to explain why that’s extremely bad and gross?

While we’re on the topic of non-Jews using a mikvah, let’s take a moment to address an accusation commonly mentioned alongside the mikvah guide: that JVP also encourages (or encouraged) self-conversion.

I have been unable to find a separate document where they explicitly said so, or an older version of this document that does. This leads me to believe that either a) the accusation came from a misreading of this document, or b) there was a previous document that contained it which has since been deleted but was not archived in the Wayback Machine. EITHER is possible.

Even in the case that there was no such document, however, I would point out that such a suggestion can be read–intentionally or not–as implicit in this document. This is a guide for mikvah use by both Jews and non-Jews, and includes an idea that non-Jews can perform Jewish rituals on their own without any guidance or even background knowledge, as quoted above. Why would a non-Jew, coming into Jewish practice with very little knowledge, go looking to perform a mikvah ritual?

I would wager that the most well-known purpose of immersing in a mikvah is for the purpose of conversion.

Nowhere in this guide is there any explicit statement that you can do a self-conversion, but it also doesn’t say anywhere that you can’t, or that doing so is an exception to “you don’t need any credentials” or “your own wisdom is all the power you need to be a Jewish ritual leader.” It may not be their intention, but the phrasing clearly leaves it as an option.

Even if this were from a source that one otherwise loved, this would be upsetting and disappointing. The amount of exposure this document is getting may be at least in part because it comes from JVP, but the distress and dismay would be there regardless. If there is further vitriol, it’s only because JVP is often considered a legitimate source by outsiders, if no one else–in other words, by the very people least likely to have the background to know that this document isn’t trustworthy. It’s like the difference between your cousin telling you “the Aztecs were abducted by aliens” versus a mainstream news program like Fox reporting it. Both are frustrating and wrong, but one has significantly more potential harm than the other, and therefore is more likely to get widespread criticism (even if you complain about your cousin online).

On the other hand, as one of my editors pointed out in a moment of dark humor, they do say you don’t have to be Jewish to lead a Jewish ritual, so perhaps that mitigates this issue slightly by taking away a motivation to convert in the first place.

Returning to our document:

We do mikvahs in lakes, rivers, bathtubs, showers, outside in the rain, from teacups, and in our imaginations.

At this point the rails are but a distant memory.

In case you’ve forgotten what I said about this at the beginning of this post (and honestly I wouldn’t blame you, we’re on pg. 9 in my draft of this), there are extremely strict rules about what qualifies as a mikvah. Maimonides’s Mishnah Torah, just about the most comprehensive codex of Jewish law, has eleven chapters on the topic of the mikvah (though that includes immersion in it as well as construction of it). I’m not going to make you read through it, but let’s go through the list in this sentence:

Lakes and rivers: you might be able to use a river or lake as a mikvah, but you need to check with your local rabbinical authority, because not all of them qualify. In general, the waters must gather together naturally, from an underground spring or rainwater. In the latter case, the waters must be stationary rather than flowing. A river that dries up in a drought can’t be used, for instance. (The ocean counts as a spring, for this purpose.)

Bathtubs and showers: No. A man-made mikveh must be built into the ground or as an essential part of a building, unlike most bathtubs, and contain of a minimum of 200 gallons of rainwater, gathered and siphoned in a very particular way so as not to let it legally become “groundwater.” Also, it needs to be something you can immerse in, which a shower is not.

Outside in the rain: No? How would you even do that?? What??

Teacups: Even if you were Thumblina or K’tonton (Jewish Tom Thumb), and could actually immerse your entire body in a teacup, it wouldn’t be a kosher mikvah as a mivkah can’t be portable.

In your imagination: Obviously not, what the heck are you even talking about

We will (unfortunately) be coming back to the teacup thing, but for now suffice it to say most of these are extremely Not A Thing.

Mikveh has been continually practiced since ancient Judaism. It is an offering of unbroken Jewish lineage that we have claimed/reclaimed as our own.

I find the use of “claimed/reclaimed” fascinating here, given this guide is explicitly for non-Jews—who, whether or not they are permitted to use a mikvah, certainly shouldn’t be claiming it as their own—as well as Jews. I find it particularly interesting given the lack of clarity of how much of JVP’s membership is actually Jewish and JVP’s history of encouraging non-Jewish members to post “as Jews.” Kind of telling on yourselves a bit, there.

(Once again, I’m not commenting on the authors themselves, but the organization they represent here and the audience they are speaking to/for.)

We want to make mikveh practice available as a tool to all Jews and non-Jews who want to heal wounds caused by white supremacy and colonialism. We want to make mikveh practice available for healing our bodies, spirits, and the earth.

Setting aside the “Jews and non-Jews” thing, since I talked about that earlier and this is already extremely long, I do want to highlight the end of the paragraph. While there are some modern uses of the mikvah to (sort of) heal the spirit, I haven’t heard of anyone using a mikvah to heal the body—as a general rule Jews don’t tend to do faith healing, though of course some sects are the exception. Healing the earth, however, is absolutely not a use of a mikvah. Mikvah rituals, as we’ve now mentioned several times, are about tahara of a person or an object, and require immersion. You can’t immerse the earth in a mikvah. The earth contains mikva’ot. Healing the earth with a mikvah is a very strange worship (IYKYK).

We acknowledge that not all beings have consistent access to water, including Palestinians.

This is a tragedy, no question. I don't mean to minimize that. However, it is also unrelated to the matter at hand. The Guide also doesn’t give any recommendations on how we can help improve water access, so this lip service is all you get.

A lack of water does not make mikveh practice inaccessible.

Yes, in fact, it does. Without a kosher mikvah of one variety or another one cannot do anything that requires a mikvah. That’s why building a kosher one is so important. I haven’t gone looking for it, but while I’m sure there’s lots (and lots and lots and lots) of Rabbinic responsa out there of what to do in drought situations, you definitely do need water in all but the most extreme cases. If you do not have water, AYLR (Ask Your Local Rabbi)--don’t do whatever this is.

The spirit of water can be present with us if we choose to call for water, so even when water is not physically available to us we can engage in mikveh practice.

This is just straight up avodah zarah (“strange worship,” i.e. idolatry) as far as I can tell. The “spirit of the water”? What? We’re not Babylonians worshiping Tiamat. What source is there for this? Is there a source??

Like all material resources, the ways water is or is not available to us is shaped by our geographic and social locations. The ways we relate to water, what we decide is clean, treyf (dirty), drinkable, bathable, how much we use, how much we save, varies depending on our experiences. We invite you to decide what is clean and holy for your own body and spiritual practice.

This is going to require some breaking down.

To start with, let’s define “treyf.” To quote myjewishlearning, “Treyf (sometimes spelled treif or treyfe) is a Yiddish word used for something that is not kosher [lit. "fit"]. The word treyf is derived from the Hebrew word treifah, which appears several times in the Bible and means 'flesh torn by beasts.' The Torah prohibits eating flesh torn by beasts, and so the word treifah came to stand in for all forbidden foods.”

You may note the lack of the word “dirty” in this definition, or any other value judgments. Myjewishlearning continues, “over time, the words kosher and treyf have been used colloquially beyond the world of food to describe anything that Jews deem fit or unfit.” While this does have something of a value judgment, it’s still not “dirty.” I can’t say why the authors chose to translate the word this way, but…I don’t like it.

Now, when it comes to what is kosher or treyf, food and drink are most certainly not based on “our experiences.” There are entire books on the rules of kashrut; it generally takes years of study to understand all the minutiae. Even as someone who was raised in a kosher household, when I worked as a mashgicha (kosher certification inspector) I needed special training. What is considered kadosh (“sacred” or “holy,”  though again that’s not a perfect translation) or tahor is also determined by very strict rules. We don’t just decide things based on “vibes.” That’s not how anything in Jewish practice works.

Water, in fact, is always kosher to drink unless it has bugs or something else treyf in it. And mikvehs aren’t even always what I’d consider “drinkable;” I always wash utensils I’ve brought to the mikvah before I use them.

We come to our next heading: What is Queer Mikveh?

What is Queer Mikveh? To us, a queer mikveh welcomes anyone, regardless of spiritual background or not.

As I’ve said above, I have yet to find a single source (seriously if you have one please send it to me) that says non-Jews can go to a mikvah. As one of my editors for this put it, “to spin appropriation of Jewish closed practices as ‘queer’ is not only icky but deeply disrespectful to actual queer Jews.”

Also, and this is not remotely the point, but “regardless of spiritual background or not” is almost incoherently poor writing.

As Jews in diaspora we want to share and use our ritual practices for healing the land and waters we are visitors on for the liberation of all beings.

I have tried to be semi-professional about this analysis, but. “Jews in the diaspora,” you say. Tell me, JVP, where are we in the diaspora from? Hm? Where are we in diaspora from? Which land do we come from? Which land are we indigenous to, JVP? Do tell.

Returning to the point, I would repeat that mikvah has nothing to do with “healing the land and waters.” It’s ritual purification of whatever is immersed in it. You want to heal the land and waters? Go to your local environmental group, and/or whoever maintains your local land and waters. Pick up trash. Start recycling. Weed invasive species. Call your government and tell them to support green energy. You want liberation for all beings? Fight bigotry—including antisemitism. Judaism believes in action—go act. Appropriating rituals from a closed religion doesn’t liberate anyone.

We have come up with this working definition and welcome feedback!

Oh good, maybe I won’t be yelled at for posting this (she said dubiously).

Queer mikveh is a ritual of Jews in diaspora. We believe the way we work for freedom for all beings is by using the gifts of our ancestors for the greatest good. We bring our rituals as gifts.

I have nothing in particular new to say about this, except that I find the idea of “bringing our rituals as gifts” for anyone to use deeply uncomfortable, given Judaism is a closed religion that strongly discourages non-Jews from joining us, and that has had literal millennia of people appropriating from us.

It acknowledges that our path is to live on lands that are not historically our peoples [sic] and we honor the Indigenous ancestors of the land we live on, doing mikveh as an anti-colonialist ritual for collective and personal liberation.

Again I would love so much for JVP to tell us which lands would historically be our people’s. What land do Jews come from, JVP? What land is it we do have a historical connection to? What land do our Indigenous ancestors come from??

And why does it have to be our path to live on lands other than that one?

Secondly, to quote the lovely @daughter-of-stories again when she was editing this, “Mikveh as anti-colonialism, aside from not being what Mikveh is, kinda implies that you can cleanse the land of the sins of colonialism. So (a) that’s just a weird bastardization of baptism since, mikveh isn’t about cleansing from sin, and (b) so does that mean the colonialism is erased? Now we don’t have to actually deal with how it affects actual indigenous people?”

I’m sure that (b) isn’t their intent, but I will say that once again they don’t give any material suggestions for how to actually liberate any collectives or persons from colonialism in this document, including any links to other pages on their own website*, which surely would have been easy enough. It comes across as very performative.

*I disagree strongly with most of their methods, but at least they are suggesting something.

Queer mikveh is a physical or spiritual space that uses the technologies of water and the Jewish practice of mikveh to mark transitions. Transition to be interpreted by individuals and individual ritual.

I have no idea what the “technologies of water” are. Also usage of a mikvah to mark transitions beyond ritual states is a fairly new innovation, as mentioned above.

Queer mikveh in it's [sic] essence honors the story of the water. The historical stories of the water we immerse in, the stories of our own bodies as water and the future story we vision [sic].

This just sounds like a pagan spinoff of baptism to me, if I’m being honest. Which would be non-Jewish in several ways.

Queer mikveh is accessible physically and spiritually to any and all people who are curious about it. You don't have to be a practicing Jew to enter queer mikveh. You don't have to be Jewish.

First off, once again whether or not non-Jews can use mikvah seems at best extremely iffy. Secondly, accessibility in mikva’ot is, as one of my editors put it, “a continual discussion.” We have records of discussions regarding access for those with physical disabilities going back at least to the 15th century (Shut Mahari Bruna, 106; as quoted in 50 Mikvahs That Shaped History by Rabbi Ephraim Meth), and in the modern era there are mikva’ot that have lifts or other accessibility aids. That said, many mikva’ot, especially older ones, are still not accessible–and many mikva’ot don’t have the money to retrofit or renovate. Mikvah.org’s directory listings (linked at the end of this) notes whether various mikva’ot are accessible, if you are looking for one in your area.  If you want to help make mikva’ot more accessible to the disabled, consider donating to an existing mikvah to help them pay for renovations or otherwise (respectfully) getting involved in the community. If you want to help make mikva’ot more accessible for non-Orthodox Jews, try donating to an open mikvah (see link to a map of Rising Tide members at the end of this essay) or other non-Orthodox mikvah.

Queer mikveh is an earth and water honoring ritual.

Not even a little. We do have (or had) rituals that honor the earth or water, at least to an extent–the Simchat Beit HaSho’evah (explanations here and here) was a celebration surrounding water; most of our holidays are harvest festivals to some extent or another; there are a large number of agricultural mitzvahs (though most can only be done in Israel, which I suppose wouldn’t work for JVP). (Note: mitzvahs are commandments and/or good deeds.) Even those, though, aren’t about the water or earth on their own, per se, but rather about honoring them as God’s gift to us. This description of mikvah sounds more Pagan or Wiccan–which is fine, but isn’t Jewish.

Queer mikveh exists whenever a queer person or queers gather to do mikveh. Every person is their own spiritual authority and has the power to create their own ritual for individual or collective healing.

Absolutely, anyone can create their own rituals for anything they want. But it probably won’t be a mikvah ritual, and it probably won’t be Jewish.

Do you know what it’s called when you make up your own ritual and claim that it’s actually a completely valid part of an established closed practice of which you aren’t part? (Remember—this document is aimed just as much at non-Jews as at Jews.)

It’s called appropriation.

With the next section, “Some Ideas for Mikveh Preparation,” we begin page three.

(Yes, we’re only on page three of seven. I’m so sorry.)

The most important part of mikveh preparation is setting an intention.

This isn’t entirely wrong, as you do have to have in mind the intention of fulfilling a mitzvah when you perform one.

Because mikveh is a ritual most used to mark transitions, you can frame your intention in that way.

To quote myself above, “usage of a mikvah to mark transitions beyond ritual states is a fairly new innovation.” I’d hardly say it is mostly used for marking transitions.

You can do journaling or talk with friends to connect with the Jewish month, Jewish holiday, Shabbat, the moon phase, and elements of the season that would support your intention.

If this were a guide for only Jews, or there was some sort of note saying this section was only for Jews, I would have less of a problem. But given neither is true, they are encouraging non-Jews to use the Jewish calendar for what is, from the rest of the descriptions in the Guide, a magical earth healing ritual.

This is 100% straight up appropriation.

The Jewish calendar is Jewish. Marking the new moon and creating a calendar was the first commandment given to us as a people, upon the exodus from Egypt. Nearly all our holidays are (aside from the harvest component, which is based on the Israeli agricultural seasons and required harvest offerings) based on specific parts of Jewish history. Passover celebrates the Exodus and our becoming a nation. Sukkot celebrates the Clouds of Glory that protected us in the desert. Shavuot celebrates being given the Torah.

According to some opinions, non-Jews literally aren’t allowed to keep Shabbat.

If you are a non-Jew and you are basing the collective earth healing ritual you have created under your own spiritual authority around Jewish holidays and calling it “mikvah,” you are appropriating Judaism.

Full stop.

This isn’t even taking into account the generally Pagan/witchy feel of the paragraph, with “moon phases” and “elements of the season.” Again, if you want to be a Pagan be a Pagan, but don’t call it Jewish.

Things only go further downhill with their next suggestion for preparation before you go to the mikvah.

Divination: A lot can be said about divination practices and Judaism.

There certainly is a lot to be said. First and foremost, there’s the fact that divination is forbidden in Judaism.

(Screenshot of Leviticus 19:26 from sefaria.org)

One method of divination they suggest is Tarot, which is a European method of cartomancy that seems to have begun somewhere in the 19th century, though the cards start showing up around the 15th. While early occultists tried to tie it to various older forms of mysticism, including Kabbalah, this was, to put it lightly, complete nonsense. (Disclaimer: this information comes from wikipedia; I’ve already spent so much time researching the mikvah stuff that I do not have the energy or interest to do a deep dive into the origin of Tarot. It isn’t Jewish, the rest is honestly just details.)

I have nothing against Tarot. I think it’s neat! The cards are often lovely! I have a couple of decks myself, and I use them for fun and card games. But divination via tarot is not Jewish. If I do any spreads, I make it very clear to anyone I’m doing it with that it is for fun and/or as a self-reflection tool, not as magic. Because that is extremely not allowed in Judaism.

The authors suggest a few decks to use, one of which is by one of the authors themselves. Another is “The Kabbalah Deck,” which—holy appropriation, Batman!

In case anyone is unaware, Kabbalah (Jewish mysticism) is an extremely closed Jewish practice, even within Judaism. Traditionally it shouldn’t be studied by anyone who hasn’t already studied every other Jewish text (of which there are, I remind you, a lot), because it’s so easy to misinterpret. I mentioned this above briefly when explaining cultural expropriation. Pop Kabbalah (what Madonna does, what you see when they talk about “Ancient Kabbalistic Texts” on shows like Supernatural, the nonsense occultists and New-Agers like to say is “ancient Kabbalistic” whatever, it’s a wide span of appropriative BS) is gross, combining Kabbalah with Tarot is extremely gross. I’m not 100% sure, as the link in the pdf doesn’t work, but I believe they are referring to this deck by Edward Hoffman. For those of you who don’t want to click through, the Amazon description includes this:

(Screenshot from Amazon)

Returning to our text:

Another practice that's been used in Judaism for centuries is bibliomancy. You can use a book you find meaningful (or the Torah) and ask a question. Then, close your eyes, open the book to a page and place your finger down. Interpret the word or sentence you pointed at to help guide you to answer your question.

Bibliomancy with a chumash (Pentateuch) or tanach (Bible) in Jewish magic is kind of a thing, but the tradition of Jewish magic as a whole is very complicated and could be its own entirely different post. This one is already long enough. This usage of bibliomancy is clearly just appropriative new-age BS, though, especially given you can use “[any] book you find meaningful.”

Also, if you aren’t Jewish, please don’t use the Torah for ritual purposes unless you are doing it under very specific circumstances under the laws for B’nei Noach (“Children of Noah,” also called Righteous Gentiles; non-Jews who follow the 7 Noachide Laws).

Sit with your general intention or if you aren't sure, pose a question to the divination tool you are using. "What should be my intention for this mikveh?" "What needs transforming in my life?" "How can I transform my relationship with my body?"

As I hope I’ve made clear, there are very specific times when one uses a mikvah, even with more modern Open Mikvah rituals. You always know what your intention is well before going—to make yourself tahor, or mark a specific event. I’m not here to police how someone prepares mentally before they immerse—meditation is fine, even encouraged. But magic? Like this? That’s not a thing. And given the fact that divination specifically is not only discouraged but forbidden, this section in particular upset a lot of Jews who read it.

Those of us already upset by everything we’ve already covered were not comforted by how the Guide continues.

How to Prepare Physically For Mikveh: Some people like to think about entering the mikveh in the way their body was when they were born. By this we mean naked, without jewelry, with clean fingernails and brushed hair. This framing can be meaningful for many people.

We went into this at the beginning of this essay (about 6500 words ago), but this is in fact how Jewish law mandates one is required to immerse. This is certainly the case in most communities, whether you are immersing due to an obligation (as a married woman or a bride about to be married) or due to custom (as men in post-Temple practice) or due to non-traditional immersion (as someone coming out); wherever on the spectrum of observance one falls (as far as I could find). A mikvah isn’t a bath, it’s not about physical cleanliness—you must first thoroughly clean yourself, clip your nails, and brush your teeth. Nail polish and makeup are removed. There can’t be any barriers between you and the water. Most mikva’ot these days, particularly women’s mikva’ot, have preparation rooms so you can prep on site. When you immerse, you have to submerge completely—your hair can’t be floating above the water, your mouth can’t be pursed tightly, your hands can’t be clenched so the water can’t get to your palms. If you do it wrong, it doesn’t count and you have to do it again. It’s not a “framing,” it’s a ritual practice governed by ritual law.

We suggest you do mikveh in the way you feel comfortable for you and your experience.

This isn’t how this works. If you have a particularly extreme case, you can talk to a rabbi to see if there are any workarounds—for example, if excessive embarrassment would distract you from the ritual, you may be able to wear clothes that are loose enough that the water still makes contact with every millimeter of skin. But you need to consult with someone who knows the minutiae of the laws and requirements so you know if any exceptions or workarounds apply to you. That’s what a rabbi is for. That’s why they need to go to rabbinical school and get ordination. They have to study. That’s why you need to find a rabbi whose knowledge and personality you trust. For someone calling themselves a religious authority in Judaism to say “you can do whatever, no biggie” with such a critical ritual is…I’m not sure what the word I want is.

The idea is to feel vulnerable but also to claim your body as a powerful site of change that has the power to move us close to our now unrecognizable futures.

The idea is to bathe in the living waters and enter a state of taharah. Though that could be an idea you have in mind while you are doing it, I suppose. I could see at least one writer I know of saying something like this to specifically menstrual married (presumably cis) women performing Taharat HaMishpacha (family taharah, see above).

For some people, doing mikveh in drag will feel most vulnerable, with all your make-up and best attire.

Absolutely not a thing. As I said last paragraph, the goal isn’t to feel vulnerable or powerful or anything. It may feel vulnerable or powerful, but that is entirely besides the actual purpose of the ritual. What you get out of it on a personal emotional level has nothing to do with the religious goal of the religious practice.

And if you are wondering how one would submerge oneself in water in full drag, don’t worry, we’ll get there soon.

For some, wearing a cloth around your body until just before you dip is meaningful.

This is just how it’s usually done. Generally one is provided with a bathrobe, and one removes it before entering. You don’t just wander around the building naked. Or the beach, if you’re using the ocean.

If you were born intersex and your genitalia was changed without your consent, thinking about your body as perfect, however you were born, can be loving.

I’m not intersex, so I’m not going to comment on the specifics here. If you are and that’s meaningful to you, more power to you.

We enter a new section, at the top of page 4.

Where To Do Mikveh: There is much midrash around what constitutes a mikveh.

“Midrash” is not the word they want here. The midrash is the non-legal side of the oral tradition, often taking the form of allegory or parable. This is as opposed to the mishna, which is the halachic (legal) side of the oral tradition. They were both written down around the same time, but most midrashim (plural) are in their own books, rather than incorporated in the mishna.

There is, however, a great deal of rabbinic discussion, in the form of mishna, gemara, teshuvot (responsa), legal codices, and various other genres of Jewish writing. More properly this could have just said “there is much discussion around what constitutes a mikveh.”

Most mikvot currently exist in Orthodox synagogues[—]

This is perhaps a minor quibble, but I don’t know that I’d say they’re generally in synagogues. They are frequently associated with a local congregation, but are often in a separate building.

[—]but there is a growing movement to create more diverse and inclusive spaces for mikveh. Mayyim Hayyim is a wonderful resource with a physical body of water mikveh space. Immerse NYC is a newer organization training people of all genders to be mikveh guides. They also work to find gender inclusive spaces for people to do mikveh in NYC.

This is true! Mayyim Hayyim is a wonderful organization I’ve never heard anything bad about, and ImmerseNYC also seems like an excellent organization. Both also only allow Jews (in which group I am including in-process converts) to immerse.

The mikveh guides thing I didn’t explain above, so I’ll take a moment to do so here. Because the rules of immersion are so strict, and because it’s hard to tell if you are completely immersed when you are underwater, most mikva’ot have a guide helping you. Depending on the circumstance and the mikvah, and depending on the patron’s comfort, who and how they do their jobs can differ somewhat. For a woman immersing after niddah, it will usually be another woman who will hold up the towel or bathrobe for you while you get in the water, and will only look from behind it once you are immersed to make sure you are completely submerged. If you are converting, customs vary. Some communities require men to witness the immersion regardless of the convert’s gender, which is very much an ongoing discussion in those communities. Even in those cases, to my knowledge they will only look once the convert is in the water, and there will likely still be a female attendant if the convert is a woman. While there are negative experiences people have had, it is very much an intra-community issue. We’re working on it.

Mikveh can be done in a natural body of water.

Again, this is true, though not all bodies of water work, so AYLR (Ask Your Local Rabbi).

Some people are also making swimming pools holy places of mikveh.

We’ve already explained above why this is nonsense.

In the Mishneh (the book that makes commentary on the torah [sic]) there are arguments as to what constitutes a mikveh and how much water from a spring or well or rainwater must be present.

The main issue in this section is their definition of the Mishneh. As I explained above, the Mishna (same thing, transliteration is not an exact science) is the major compilation of the Oral Torah, the oral tradition that was written down by Rabbi Judah Ha-Nasi so it wouldn’t be lost in the face of exile and assimilation. It’s not so much a commentary on the (Written) Torah as an expansion of it to extrapolate the religious laws we follow. It’s certainly not “the book that makes commentary on the Torah.” We have literally hundreds of books of commentary. That’s probably underestimating. Jews have been around for a long time, and we have been analyzing and discussing the Torah for nearly as long. There are so many commentaries on the Torah.

The second issue is that while there are arguments in the Mishna and Gemara (the oral discussion on the Mishna that was written down even later), they do generally result in a final decision of some sort. Usually whichever side has the majority wins. Variations between communities are still very much a thing, and I can explain why in another post if people are interested, but there usually is a base agreement.

We are of the school that says you decide for yourself what works.

The phrasing they use here makes it sound as though that’s a legitimate opinion in the Mishnah. I cannot emphasize how much that is not the case. While I myself have not finished learning the entire Mishnah, I would be willing to wager a great deal that “whatever works for you” isn’t a stance on any legal matter there. That’s just not how it works. While some modern branches of Judaism may have that as a position, it is definitely not Mishnaic.

If you are concerned about Jewish law, the ocean is always a good choice. There are no conflicting arguments about the ocean as a mikveh. As the wise maggid Jhos Singer says in reference to the ocean, "It's [sic] becomes a mikveh when we call it a mikveh." Done.

(To clarify, I don’t know if that typo was carried over from the source of the original quote or not.)

This is true. However if you are concerned about Jewish law I would very much urge you to look to other sources than this one—be that your local rabbi or rebbetzen, the staff at your local mikvah, or a reliable website that actually goes into the proper requirements. If you want to use a mikveh according to Jewish law, please do not use this document as your guide.

We recognize immersion in water does not work for every body. Therefore, a guiding principle for where to do a mikveh is: do a mikveh in a place that is sacred to you. Your body is always holy and your body is made of mostly water. Later in this guide there is more information on mikveh with no immersion required.

I cannot emphasize how much I have never once heard this before. This, to me, reads like New Age nonsense. If you are unable to immerse in a mikvah, talk to your rabbi. Don’t do…whatever this is.

Our next section is a short one.

Who To Do it With: Do mikveh with people you feel comfortable with and supported by.

This is fine, though many mikva’ot (perhaps even most) will only allow one person to immerse at a time.

Do a solo mikveh and ask the earth body to be your witness.

With this, we return to the strange smattering of neo-Paganism. The “earth body” is not a thing. Yes, the Earth is called as a witness in the Bible at least once. It’s poetic. You also, unless you are converting, don’t actually need a witness anyway. A mikvah attendant or guide is there to help you—if you were somewhere without one, you could still immerse for niddah or various customary purposes.

Do mikveh with people who share some of your vision for collective healing.

As I’ve said before in this essay, collective healing is not the point of a mikvah. If you are Jewish and want to pray for healing, there are plenty of legitimate places for this–the Shemonah Esrei has a prayer for healing and a prayer where you can insert any personal prayers you want; there’s a communal prayer for healing after the Torah reading. You can give charity or recite a psalm or do a mitzvah with the person in mind. You can also just do a personal private prayer with any words you like, a la Hannah, or if you want pre-written words find an appropriate techinah (not the sesame stuff). If you want to work towards collective liberation, volunteer. Learn the laws of interpersonal mitzvot, like lashon hara (literally “evil speech,” mostly gossip or libel). Connect fighting oppression to loving your neighbor or the Passover seder. We have tons of places for this–mikvah isn’t one of them.

Next segment.

What To Bring to A Mikveh: 1. Intentions for the ritual for yourself and/or the collective.

See previous points on intention.

2. Items for the altar from your cultural background[…] (emphasis mine)

If I wasn’t appalled by the “immersing in makeup” or the “do divination first,” this would be the place that got me. This is wrong on so many levels.

One is not allowed to have an altar outside of The Temple in Jerusalem, the one we currently do not have. It’s an extremely big deal. One is not allowed to make sacrifices outside of the Temple. Period. This is emphasized again and again in the Torah and other texts. Even when we had a Temple, there were no altars in a mikvah.

And you certainly couldn’t offer anything in the Temple while naked, as one is required to be when immersing in the mikvah.

Even when we did bring offerings to altars (the Bronze Altar or the Gold Altar, both of which were in the Temple and which only qualified priests in a state of tahara could perform offerings on), the offerings were very specifically mandated, as per the Torah and those other texts. Even when non-Jews gave offerings (as did happen) they were required to comply. You couldn’t just bring any item from your cultural background. This is paganism, plain and simple.

Now, again, let me be clear: if you’re pagan, I have no problem with you. My problem is when one tries to take a sacred practice from a closed religion and try to co-opt it as one’s own. It’s a problem when someone who isn’t Native American decides to smudge their room with white sage, and it’s a problem when someone who isn’t Jewish tries to turn a mikvah into a pagan cleansing rite. And even if the person doing it is Jewish--I have an issue when it’s Messianics who were born Jewish, and I have an issue when it’s pagans who were born the same. Either way, whether you intend to or not, you are participating in appropriation or expropriation.

Which makes the line that follows this point so deeply ironic I can’t decide if I’m furious or heartbroken.

After suggesting that the reader (who may or may not be Jewish) bring items for an altar to a mikvah, the Guide asks:

[…] (please do not bring appropriated items from cultures that are not yours).

Which is simply just... beyond parody. To quote one of my editors, “This is quickly approaching the level of being a new definition for the Yiddish word 'Chutzpah,' which is traditionally defined as 'absurdist audacity' in line with 'Chutzpah is a man who brutally murders both of his parents and then pleads with the judge for leniency because he is now an orphan bereft of parental guidance.' If not for the involved nature of explaining the full context, I would submit this as a potential new illustrative example.”

The next suggestion of what to bring is

3. Warm clothes, towels, warm drinks

All these are reasonable enough, though most mikva’ot provide towels. Some also provide snacks, for while you are preparing. They may also not allow you to bring in outside food.

4. Your spirit of love, healing, and resistance

This, again, has nothing to do with mikvah. The only spirit of resistance in a mikvah is the fact that we continue to do it despite millennia of attempts to stop us. Additionally, to me at least “a spirit of love” feels very culturally-Christian.

Our next section is titled “How to Make Mikveh a Non-Zionist Ritual.”

Right off the bat, I have an issue with this concept. Putting aside for a moment whatever one may think of Zionism as a philosophy, my main problem here is that mikvah has nothing at all to do with Zionism. In Orthodoxy, at least, Jews who are against Zionism on religious grounds perform the mitzvah the same way passionately Zionist Jews do, with the same meanings and intentions behind it. It is performed the same way in Israel and out, and has been more or less the same for the last several thousand years. It is about ritual purification and sanctification of the mundane, no more and no less.

There is a word for saying anything and everything Jewish is actually about the modern Israel/Palestine conflict, simply because it’s Jewish.

That word is antisemitism.

How to Make Mikveh a Non-Zionist Ritual: Reject all colonial projects by learning about, naming & honoring, and materially supporting the communities indigenous to the land where you hold your mikveh. Name and thank the Indigenous people of the land you are going to do your mikveh on.

If you removed the “non-Zionist” description, this would be mostly unobjectionable. We should absolutely help indigenous communities. The framing of “reject all colonial projects” does seem to suggest that there is something colonial about the usual practice of going to the mikvah, though. I would argue that the mikvah is, in fact, anti-colonial if anything—it is the practice of a consistently oppressed minority ethno-religion which has kept it in practice despite the best efforts of multiple empires. Additionally, while Zionism means many different things to those who believe in it, at its root most Zionists (myself included) define it as “the belief that Jews have a right to self-determination in our indigenous homeland.” Our indigenous homeland being, of course, the land of Israel. (This is different from the State of Israel, which is the modern country on that land.) If you are a Jew in Israel, one of the indigenous peoples of the land your mikvah is on is your own. That’s not to say there aren’t others—but to claim Jews aren’t indigenous to the region is to be either misinformed or disingenuous.

Take the time to vision [sic] our world to come in which Palestine and all people are free.

I really, really dislike how they use the concept of The World To Come here. The Jewish idea of The World To Come (AKA the Messianic Age) is one where the Messiah has come, the Temple has been rebuilt, and the Davidic dynastic monarchy has been re-established in the land of Israel. Arguably that’s the most Zionist vision imaginable. This isn’t to say that all people, Palestinians included, won’t be free—true peace and harmony are also generally accepted features of the Messianic Age. But using the phrase in making something “non-Zionist” is, at the very least, in extremely poor taste. (As a side note, even religious non-Zionists believe in this–that’s actually why most of them are against the State of Israel, as they believe we can’t have sovereignty until the Messiah comes. They do generally believe we will eventually have sovereignty, just that now isn’t the time for it.)

Hold and explore this vision intimately as you prepare to immerse. What is one action you can take to bring this future world closer? Trust that your vision is collaborating with countless others doing this work.

Having a “vision” of a world where all are free isn’t doing any of the work to accomplish it. A “vision” can’t collaborate. At least not in Judaism. This sounds like one is trying to manifest the change through force of will, which is something directly out of the New Age faith movement, where it is known as “Creative Visualization.” Even when we do have a concept of bringing about something positive through an unrelated action–like saying psalms for someone who is sick–the idea is that you are doing a mitzvah on their behalf, to add to their merits counted in their favor. It��s not a form of magic or invocation of some mystical energy.

(Once again: I have nothing against pagans. But paganism is incompatible with Judaism. You can’t be both, any more than you can be Jewish and Christian.)

Use mikveh practice to ground into your contribution to the abundant work for liberation being done. We are many.

If you will once more pardon a brief switch to a casual tone:

Nothing says liberation like *checks notes* appropriating a minority cultural practice.

The next section of their document is titled “Ideas for Mikveh Ritual,” and this is where the Neo-Pagan and New Age influences of the authors truly shift from the background to the foreground.  

We start off deceptively reasonably.

Mikveh ritual is potentially very simple. Generally people consider a mikveh to be a full immersion in water, where you are floating in the water, not touching the bottom, with no part of the body above the surface (including the hair).

Technically, most people consider a mikveh to be a ritual bath (noun) in which one performs various Jewish ritual immersions. But if we set this aside as a typo, this is…fairly true. What they are describing is how one is supposed to perform the mitzvah of mikveh immersion. However, in much the same way I wouldn’t say “generally people consider baseball to be a game where you hit a ball with a bat and run around a diamond,” I wouldn’t say it’s a case of “generally people consider” so much as “this is what it is.”

This works for some people. It doesn't work for everyone and it doesn't work for all bodies. Because of this, mikveh ritual can be expanded outside of these traditional confines in exciting, creative ways.

Once again, if you are incapable of performing mikvah immersion in the proper manner, please go speak with a rabbi. Please do not follow this guide.

Before we continue, I would just like to assure you that. whatever “exciting, creative ways” you might be imagining the authors have come up with, this is so much worse.

Method One:

Sound Mikveh: One way that's felt very meaningful for many is a "sound mikveh." This can be a group of people toning, harmonizing, or chanting in a circle. One person at a time can be in the center of the circle and feel the vibrations of healing sound wash over their body. Another method of sound mikveh is to use a shofar or other instrument of your lineage to made [sic] sounds that reach a body of water and also wash over you.

This makes me so uncomfortable I barely have the words to describe it, and I know that I am not alone in this. This is not a mikvah. If someone wants to do some sort of sound-based healing ritual, by all means go ahead, but do not call it a mikvah. This is not Jewish. I don’t know what this is, aside from deeply offensive.

And leave that poor shofar out of this. That ram did not give his horn for this nonsense.

(I could go on about the actual sacred purpose of a shofar and all the rules and reasons behind it that expand upon this, but this is already over 9000 words.)

Method Two is, if anything, worse. This is the one, if you’ve seen social media posts about this topic, you have most likely seen people going nuts about.

Tea Cup Mikveh: Fill a special teacup. If you want, add flower essence, a small stone, or other special elements. Sing the teacup a sweet song, dance around it, cry in some tears, tell the cup a tender and hopeful story, hold the teacup above the body of your animal friend for extra blessing, balance it on your head to call in your highest self. Use the holy contents of this teacup to make contact with water.

This is absolutely 100% straight-up neo-pagan/New Age mysticism. Nothing about this is based on Jewish practice of any kind. Again, I’m at a loss for words of how to explain just how antithetical this is. If you want to be a witch, go ahead and be a witch. But do not call it Jewish. Leave Judaism out of this.

They end this suggestion with the cute comment,

Mikveh to go. We’ve always been people on the move.

Let me explain why this “fun” little comment fills me with rage. 

As you may recall, this document was published by Jewish Voice for Peace. Among their various other acts of promoting and justifying antisemitism, JVP has repeatedly engaged in historical revisionism regarding Jews and Jewish history. In this context, they have repeatedly ignored the numerous expulsions of Jews from various countries, and blaming sinister Zionist plots to explain any movement of expelled Jews to Israel (“In the early 1950s, starting two years after the Nakba, the Israeli government facilitated a mass immigration of Mizrahim,” from “Our Approach to Zionism” on the JVP website; see @is-the-thing-actually-jewish’s post on JVP and the posts linked from there).

So a document published by JVP framing Jewish movement as some form of free spirited 1970s-esque Bohemian lifestyle or the result of us being busy movers-and-shakers is a direct slap in the face to the persecution we’ve faced as a people and society.  No, we aren’t “on the move” because we’re hippies wandering where the wind takes us . We’re always on the move because we keep getting kicked out and/or hate-crimed until we leave.

But there is no Jew-hatred in Ba Sing Se.

Method three:

Fermentation Mikveh: Some food goes through natural changes by being immersed in water. If we eat that food, we can symbolically go through a change similar to the one the food went through.

Again, this has no basis anywhere in halacha. We do have concepts of “you are what you eat,” specifically with reference to what animals and birds are kosher, but there isn’t any food that makes you tahor if you eat it. In the Temple days there were, in fact, foods you couldn’t eat unless you were tahor.

Jews may like pickles, but that doesn’t mean we think they purify you.

Also, the change from fermentation is, if anything, the opposite of the change we would want. Leavening (rising in dough or batter, due to the fermentation of yeast) is compared in rabbinic writings to arrogance and ego, as opposed to the humility of matza, the “poor man’s bread” (see here, for example). Is the suggestion here to become more egotistical?

As we wrap up this section, I’d like to go back to their stated reason for using these “alternative” methods (“It doesn't work for everyone and it doesn't work for all bodies”), and ask: if these really were the only options for immersion, would these really fill that same spiritual need/niche? These obviously aren’t aimed at me, but from my perspective it seems almost condescending, almost worse. “You can’t do the real thing, so we’ll make up something to make you feel better.” If any of them had an actual basis in Jewish practice, that would be one thing, but this just feels…fake, to me. Even within more liberal / less traditional streams of Judaism, there is a connection to halacha: 

“We each (if we are knowledgeable about the tradition, if we confront it seriously and take its claims and its wisdom seriously) have the ability, the freedom, indeed the responsibility to come to a [potentially differing] personal understanding of what God wants us to do… [Halacha] is a record of how our people, in widely differing times, places and societal circumstances, experienced God's presence in their lives, and responded. Each aspect of halacha is a possible gateway to experience of the holy, the spiritual. Each aspect worked for some Jews, once upon a time, somewhere in our history. Each, therefore, has the potential to open up holiness for people in our time as well, and for me personally. However, each does not have equal claim on us, on me…Portions of the halacha whose main purpose seems to be to distance us from our surroundings no longer seem functional. Yet some parts of the halachic tradition seem perfect correctives to the imbalances of life in modernity…In those parts of tradition, we are sometimes blessed to experience a sense of God's closeness. In my personal life, I emphasize those areas. And other areas of halacha, I de-emphasize, or sometimes abandon. Reform Judaism affirms my right, our right, to make those kinds of choices.” – Rabbi Ramie Arian

“[Traditional Reconstructionist Jews] believe that moral and spiritual faculties are actualized best when the individual makes conscious choices…The individual’s choices, however, can and should not be made alone. Our ethical values and ritual propensities are shaped by the culture and community in which we live. Living a Jewish life, according to the Reconstructionist understanding, means belonging to the Jewish people as a whole and to a particular community of Jews, through which our views of life are shaped. Thus, while Reconstructionist communities are neither authoritarian nor coercive, they aspire to influence the individual’s ethical and ritual choices–through study of Jewish sources, through the sharing of values and experiences, and through the impact of the climate of communal opinion on the individual. …While we may share certain values and life situations, no two sets of circumstances are identical. We hope that the Reconstructionist process works to help people find the right answers for themselves, but we can only assist in helping individuals to ask the right questions so that their choices are made in an informed way within a Jewish context. To be true to ourselves we must understand the differences in perception between us and those who have gone before, while retaining a reverence for the traditions they fashioned. If we can juxtapose those things, we ensure that the past will have [in the phrase of Reconstructionism’s founder, Mordecai Kaplan,] a vote, but not a veto.” – Rabbi Jacob J. Straub (Note: the Reconstructionist movement was founded in the late 1920s, and has gone through a very large shift in the past decade or so. I use “Traditional” here to refer to the original version of the movement as opposed to those who have shifted. Both are still called Reconstructionist, so it’s a bit confusing. This is on the advice of one of my editors, who is themself Traditional Reconstructionist.)

You may note, neither of these talk about inventing things from whole cloth. To paraphrase one of my editors, “You don’t completely abandon [halacha], because if you did how would you have a cohesive community? Even in a ‘do what’s meaningful’ framework, you’re taking from the buffet, not bringing something to a potluck. Even if you don’t see halacha as binding, there are limits.”

(Again, disclaimer that the above knowledge of non-Orthodox movements comes from my editors, and any errors are mine.)

The next section is “Prayers for Mikveh.”

As a note, I’m going to censor the names of God when I quote actual blessings, as per traditional/Halachic practice. I’ll be putting brackets to indicate my alterations.

I’m not going to go much into detail here, because frankly my Hebrew isn’t good enough, and the six different people I asked for help gave me at least six different answers, but I will touch on it a bit.

First, the Guide gives a link to an article on Traditional Mikveh Blessings from Ritualwell (here is a link on the Wayback Machine, since the original requires you to make an account). Ritualwell is a Reconstructionist Jewish website, and accepts reviewed submissions. Here is their about page. The blessings on this page, as far as I know, are in fact exactly what it says on the tin. I’m not sure the first one, asher kidshanu b’mitzvotav v’tzivanu al ha-t’vilah, is said for non-obligatory immersions (i.e. not for niddah or conversion), as it is literally a blessing on the commandment. The second blessing at that link is Shehecheyanu, which the Guide also suggests as a good prayer. This is the traditional form of the blessing, given at Ritualwell:

Baruch Atah Ado[-]nai Elo[k]eynu Melech Ha-Olam shehekheyanu v’kiyimanu v’higiyanu lazman hazeh.

Blessed are You, [LORD] our God, Monarch of the universe, Who has kept us alive and sustained us, and brought us to this season.

(As a quick note, you may notice this is not quite how they translate it on Ritualwell–I have no idea why they say “kept me alive,” as it’s definitely “us” in the Hebrew. There’s a long tradition, in fact, of praying for the community rather than ourselves as an individual, but that’s not the point of this post.)

The Guide, however, gives an alternate form:

B’rucha At y[-]a Elo[k]eynu Ruakh haolam shehekheyatnu v’kiyimatnu v’higiyatnu lazman hazeh. You are Blessed, Our God, Spirit of the World, who has kept us in life and sustained us, enabling us to reach this season.

Under the assumption that most of you don’t know Hebrew, I’m going to break this down further. The main difference between these two is grammatical gender–the traditional blessing uses masculine forms, which is common when referring to God. However, while there are often masculine descriptions of God, it is worth noting that Hashem is very specifically not a “man”--God is genderless and beyond our comprehension, and masculine is also used in Hebrew for neutral or unspecified gender. A whole discussion of gender and language is also beyond the scope of this post, but for now let’s leave it at: changing the gender for God in prayer is pretty common among less traditional Jews, and that’s fine. Some of the changes they make (or don’t make) here are interesting, though. The two letter name of God they switch to is–despite ending in a hey (the “h” letter)–not feminine grammatically feminine. I’m told, however, that some progressive circles consider it neutral because it “sounds feminine.” “Elo-keynu” is also grammatically masculine, but a) that’s used for neuter in Hebrew and b) it’s also technically plural, so maybe they didn’t feel the need to change it. Though if that’s the case I would also have thought that Ado-nai (the tetragrammaton) would be fine, as it’s also technically male in the same way. I’m also not sure why they didn’t just change ”Melech HaOlam” to “Malkah HaOlam,” which would be the feminine form of the original words, but perhaps they were avoiding language of monarchy. It’s apparently a not uncommon thing to change.

One of the responses I got said the vowels in the verbs were slightly off, but I can’t say much above that, for the reasons given at the beginning of this section.

Also, and this is comparatively minor, the capitalization in the transliteration is bizarre. They capitalize “At” (you) and “Elo[k]eynu” (our God), but not “y[-]a…” which is the actual name of God in the blessing and should definitely be capitalized if you are capitalizing.

The Guide next gives a second blessing that can be used:

B’rucha at shekhinah eloteinu ruach ha-olam asher kid-shanu bi-tevilah b’mayyim hayyim. Blessed are You, Shekhinah, Source of Life, Who blesses us by embracing us in living waters. -Adapted by Dori Midnight 

The main thing I want to note about this is that…that’s not an accurate translation. It completely skips the word “eloteinu.” “Ruach ha-olam” means “spirit/breath of the universe/world,” not “Source of Life,” which would be “M’kor Ha-Olam,” as mentioned above. “Kid-shanu,” as she transliterates it, means “has sanctified us,” or “has made us holy,” not “blesses us”--both the tense and the word are wrong. “Bi-tevilah” doesn’t mean “embracing us,” either, it means “with immersing.” In full, the translation should be:

“Blessed are You, Shekhinah, our God, Spirit of the World, Who has sanctified us with immersion in living waters.”

The Shekhinah is an aspect/name of God(dess), though not a Name to the same level as the ones that can’t be taken in vain. It refers to the hidden Presence of God(dess) in our world, and is the feminine aspect of God(dess), inasmuch as God(dess) has gendered aspects–remember, our God(dess) is One. It’s not an unreasonable Name to use if you are trying to make a prayer specifically feminine.

(Though do be careful if you see it used in a blessing in the wild, because Messianics use it to mean the holy ghost.)

“Eloteinu” is, grammatically, the feminine form of Elokeinu (according to the fluent speakers I asked, though again I got several responses).

It is, again, odd that they don’t capitalize transliterated names of God, though here there is more of an argument that it’s a stylistic choice, Hebrew not having capital letters.

The Guide then repeats the link for Ritualwell.

Finally, we come to the last section, “Resources and Our Sources:”

First, they credit the Kohenet Institute and two of its founders. I do not want to go on a deepdive into the Kohenet Institute also, as this is already long enough, but I suppose I should say a bit.

The Kohenet Institute was a “clergy ordination program, a sisterhood / siblinghood, and an organization working to change the face of Judaism. For 18 years, Kohenet Hebrew Priestess Institutes founders, graduates and students reclaimed and innovated embodied, earth-based feminist Judaism, drawing from ways that women and other marginalized people led Jewish ritual across time and space” (Kohenet Hebrew Priestess Institute Homepage). It closed in 2023.

I have difficulty explaining my feelings about the Kohenet Institute. On the one hand, the people who founded it and were involved in it, I’m sure, were very invested in Judaism and very passionate in their belief. As with the authors of the Guide, I do not mean to attack them–I’m sure they’re lovely people.

On the other, I have trouble finding a basis for any of their practices, and most of what practices I do find trouble me–again, with the caveat that I am very much not into mysticism, so take my opinion with a grain of salt.

Of the three founders, only one (Rabbi Jill Hammer) seems to have much in the way of scholarly background. Rabbi Hammer, who was ordained at the Jewish Theological Seminary (a perfectly respectable school), has at least one article where she quotes the New Testament and a Roman satirist making fun of a Jewish begger who interpret dreams for money as proof “that Jewish prophetesses existed in Roman times,” which to me at least seems like saying that the Roma have a tradition of seeresses based on racist caricatures of what they had to do to survive, if you’ll pardon the comparison. In the same article, she says that Sarah and Abigail, who are listed in the Talmud as prophetesses “are not actually prophetesses as I conceptualize them here,” (pg 106) but that “abolitionist Ernestine Rose, anarchist Emma Goldman, and feminist Betty Friedan stand in the prophetic tradition.” Given God says explicitly in the text, “Regarding all that Sarah tells you, listen to her voice” (Genesis 21:12), I have no idea where she gets this.

The second founder, Taya Mâ Shere, describes the Institute on her website as “spiritual leadership training for women & genderqueer folk embracing the Goddess in a Jewish context,” which to me is blatantly what I and some of my editors have taken to calling Jews For Lilith. Now, it is possible this is a typo. However assuming it is not, and it would be a weird typo to have, this rather clearly reads as “the Goddess” being something one is adding a Jewish context to–which is exactly what I mean when I say this guide is taking Paganism and sprinkling a little Judaism on it. If it had said “embracing Goddess in a Jewish context,” I’d have no problem (aside from weird phrasing)--but “the Goddess” is very much a “divine feminine neo-pagan” kind of thing. We don’t say “the God” in Judaism, or at least I’ve never heard anyone do so. We just say God (or Goddess), because there’s only the one. In fact, according to this article, she returned to Judaism from neo-Paganism, and “began to combine the Goddess-centered practices she had co-created in Philadelphia with what she was learning from teachers in the Jewish Renewal movement, applying her use of the term Goddess to Judaism’s deity.” The “Goddess-centered practices” and commune in Philadelphia are described earlier in the article as “influenced by Wiccan and Native American traditions, in ways that Shere now considers appropriative (“After Kohenet, Who Will Lead the Priestesses?” by Noah Phillips).” I’m not sure how it suddenly isn’t appropriative now, but taking the Pagan practices you were doing and now doing those exact same rituals “but Jewish” is, in fact, still Pagan.

Shere also sells “Divining Pleasure: An Oracle for SephErotic Liberation,” created by her and Bekah Starr, which is a “divination card deck and an Omer counter inviting you more deeply into your body, your pleasure and your devotion to collective liberation.”

I hate this.

I hate this so much.

For those who don’t know, the Omer is the period between the second day of Passover and the holiday of Shavuot, 50 days later. It’s named for the Omer offering that was given on Passover, and which started the count of seven weeks (and a day, the day being Shavuot). The Omer, or at least part of it, is also traditionally a period of mourning, much like the Three Weeks between the fasts of the 17th of Tammuz and the 9th of Av–we don’t have weddings, we don’t listen to live music, we don’t cut our hair. It commemorates (primarily) the deaths of 24,000 students of Rabbi Akiva in a plague (possibly a metaphor for persecution or the defeat of the Bar Kochba revolt). It is often used as a time for introspection and self-improvement, using seven of the Kabbalistic Sephirot as guides (each day of the week is given a Sephira, as is each week, so each day of the 49 is x of y, see here). It’s not, as Shere’s class “Sex and the Sephirot: A Pleasure Journey Through the Omer” puts it, a time to “engage…toward experiencing greater erotic presence, deepening our commitment to nourishing eros, and embracing ritual practices of…pleasure.”

The final of the founders, Shoshana Jedwab, seems to be primarily a musician. In her bio on her website, scholarship and teaching are almost afterthoughts. I can find nothing about her background or classes. She’s also, from what I’ve found, the creator of the “sound mikvah.”

So all in all, while I’m sure they’re lovely people, I find it difficult to believe that they are basing their Institute on actual practices, particularly given they apparently include worship of Ashera as an “authentic” Jewish practice, see the above Phillips article and this tumblr post.

The institute also lists classes they offered, which “were open to those across faith practices - no background in Judaism necessary.” If you scroll down the page, you will see one of these courses was titled “Sefer Yetzirah: Meditation, Magic, & the Cosmic Architecture.” Sefer Yetzirah, for those of you unaware, “is an ancient and foundational work of Jewish mysticism.”

You may recall my saying something some 5700 (yikes) words ago about Jewish mysticism (i.e. Kabbalah) being a closed practice.

You may see why I find the Kohenet Institute problematic.

I will grant, however, that I have not listened to their podcasts nor read their books, so it is possible they do have a basis for what they teach. From articles I’ve read, and what I’ve found on their websites, I am unconvinced.

Returning to our original document, the Guide next gives several links from Ritualwell, which I’ve already discussed above. After those, they give links to two actual mikvah organizations: Mayyim Hayyim and Immerse NYC. Both are reputable organizations, and are Open Mikvahs. Neither (at least based on their websites) seem to recommend any of the nonsense in this Guide. In fact, Mayyim Hayyim explicitly does not allow non-Jews to immerse (unless it’s to convert). ImmerseNYC has advice to create a ritual in an actually Jewish way. I would say the link to these two groups are, perhaps, the only worthwhile information in this Guide.

They then list a few “mikveh related projects,” two of which are by the writers. The first, Queer Mikveh Project, is by one of the authors, Rebekah Erev. The link they give is old and no longer works, but on Erev’s website there is information about the project. Much of the language is similar to that in this guide. The page also mentions a “mikvah” ritual done to protest the Dakota Access Pipeline, in which “the mikveh…[was] completely optional.” And, of course, there was an altar. The second project, the “Gay Bathhouse” by (I believe) the other author and Shelby Handler, is explicitly an art installation.

The final link is to this website (thanks to the tumblr anon who found it), which is the only source we’ve been able to find on Shekinah Ministries (aside from a LOT of Messianic BS from unrelated organizations of the same name). So good news–this isn’t a Messianic. Bad news, it also seems to have a shaky basis in actual Jewish practice at best. It is run by artist Reena Katz, aka Radiodress, whose MKV ritual is, like “Gay Bathhouse,” a performance project. As you can see from the pictures on Radiodress’s website (cw for non-sexual nudity and mention of bodily fluids), it is done in a clearly portable tub in a gallery. As part of the process, participants are invited to “add any material from their body,” including “spit, urine, ejaculate, menstrual blood,” “any medication, any hormones they might be taking,” and supplies Radiodress offers including something called “Malakh Shmundie,” “a healing tincture that translates to “angel pussy” made by performance artist Nomy Lamm” (quotes from “An Artist’s Ritual Bath for Trans and Queer Communities” by Caoimhe Morgan-Feir). The bath is also filled by hand, which is very much not in line with halacha. Which, if you’re doing performance art, is fine.

But this Guide is ostensibly for authentic Jewish religious practice.

And with that (aside from the acknowledgements, which I don’t feel the need to analyze), we are done. At last.

Thank you for reading this monster of a post. If you have made it this far, you and I are now Family. Grab a snack on your way out, you deserve it.

Further Reading and Resources:

https://www.mayyimhayyim.org/risingtide/members/

https://www.mikvah.org/directory

https://www.mayyimhayyim.org/

http://www.immersenyc.org/

https://aish.com/what-is-a-mikveh/

https://www.chabad.org/theJewishWoman/article_cdo/aid/1541/jewish/The-Mikvah.htm

https://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/1230791/jewish/Immersion-of-Vessels-Tevilat-Keilim.htm

https://www.myjewishlearning.com/article/why-immerse-in-the-mikveh/

Meth, Rabbi Ephraim. 50 Mikvahs That Shaped History. Feldheim Publishers, 2023.

[goldenhypen]

all yours ⎯ ౨ৎ

syn. making out with jake. that’s the post.

note. reader has hair long enough to tuck behind ears

wc. 0.4k

a/n. i was brainstorming ideas for another jake drabble and then got carried away w this. brace yourselves cuz im still recovering from writing this :’>

occupied with cleaning the kitchen, it was difficult to notice jake eyeing you from behind.

a yelp left your lips as the top of your head hit a firm surface. you finished standing up in shock, searching for what you had bumped into, and you smiled as you saw your boyfriend's hand protecting the corner of the countertop to prevent you from getting hurt.

a pout painted your face. “awww, jakey, that’s so sweet.” you leaned in and pressed a kiss onto his soft, plump lips that you could never grow tired of.

after pulling away, you turned around and continued cleaning the kitchen. and a pair of familiar footsteps followed. you turned around again.

you laughed, “why are you following me? what are you doing?”

jake shrugged, and you eyed him funny.

“i miss your lips.”

“my—” you continued laughing at how cute your boyfriend was, finding it hard to believe how lucky you were to have this man all to yourself.

you gestured for him to come closer, and his excited giggles and smile had your heart doing somersaults in your chest as he approached you, placing his hands on your waist, and pulling you close.

all in a split second, his grin faded and his expression grew more serious, and before you could process any of it, one of his hands flew to your jaw and pulled you in as he met your lips in the middle.

the kiss was hot, to say the least, as you could always count on jake sim to come through with. his lips were perfect. and even more so as they moulded with yours.

he poured so much passion into that kiss that it didn’t fail to take your breath away. but you kissed him back, of course, and when you felt him bite your lip, the gasp that left you had him smirking against your mouth.

teeth colliding, tongues mingling, bodies shaping into one, after a long while, he pulled away, trying to catch his breath. his lips were swollen and his eyes in a daze—your face probably matching his own, chest rising and falling at the same tempo.

he stayed close, removing his hand from the side of your face to brush a few strands of hair behind your ear, then returning to cup your jaw. he stared into your eyes again before slowly coming back to your lips.

you chuckled. “what? miss my lips again already?”

his eyes didn’t meet yours this time. all he gave you was a nod in response, a desire already returning to his gaze.

“kiss me, jake. i’m all yours.”

a/n. AHH writing this type of theme is v outside my comfort zone but idk my fingers just kept typing away and here we are 😀 are yall okay? im not okay 😀

m.list | taglist form

taglist. @raimbows4u @sultrybaby @kpop-nct @ajayke-reads @wccycc @enhacolor @enhasfever @nokacchan @yizhoutv @xiaoderrrr @soobin-chois @tyunni @shinsou-rii @vickytodoroki @softkpopplace @belle643 @nar-nia @rapmonie2047 @pshchives @sunjakes @ethereal-engene @exohclipse @yeosayang @4ri-ki @jaeyunjakesim @whoschr @enaus @hoes4hoseok @palajae @annoyingbitch83 @malarign @rcrystallocks @stepout-09-15 @zeraaax @enhasengene @pistachiophobia @svnoofy @sweetjaemss @vatterie @majesticallymark @mnsnts @en-chantedtomeetyou @yeseoist @milisabunny @wonniestars @kazmura @nicholasluvbot @haechansbbg @atrirose @aeriil11

[insert-name-heres-things]

Happy Disability Pride Month!!!

Remember Folks:

- SELF CARE IS NUMBER ONE

- Use your spoons sparingly! Here’s some spoons to go: 🥄🥄🥄🥄🥄🥄🥄

- Clean your mobility aids! (Seriously dude when was the last time you wiped that shit down with an antibacterial?)

- Accommodate yourself, as others will follow.

- Make goals within your reach and abilities

- DO YOUR COPINGS SKILLS

- Remember to stay hydrated and take your meds!

- For my fellow heat sensitive homies, stay cool this summer! A cold rag draped behind your neck, airy clothing, a small portable hand fan, keeping ice packs ready, cold water and expecially cold electrolyte drinks, all do wonders!

- For my fellow autistic folks, don’t be afraid wear earmuffs, stim, use chew charms, whatever it is that helps you regulate. You don’t have to mask if it’s something that isn’t benefitting to your life.

- POTS havin mofos like me, salt the ever loving fuck out of your food. Try different foods with salt, such as fruits and vegetables! I’m currently eating a salty tomato. Drink lots of water, I’ve been aiding gateraid packets to my water and it’s made a HUGE difference, especially as someone who hates drinking water.

- Those with PTSD for whatever reason, I wish you safety and support as you learn to cope and hopefully heal.

- I don’t know exactly what to say to others with H-EDS, as I’m still understanding this disorder other then BE CAREFUL WITH YOURSELF THIS PRIDE MONTH. I swear to god we are the most accident prone mother fuckers lmfao-

- If your immune system is all fucky like mine, keep clean and be sanitary, communicate with others that if they’re sick you can’t be around them, and wear a mask if you feel like that’s the right option for you. In my hometown I’ve gotten yelled at more than once for wearing a mask post-covid, however you can’t let someone else’s ignorance result in your own suffering.

- Don’t forget to move around and stretch! A little movement can do a lot for your body.

- Check in with your disabled friends! Try and see if there’s any way you can help one another, see where both of your strengths and weaknesses lie, and swap some spoons!!

- Be aware of what triggers your disorders. Whether if it’s caffeine triggering bipolar episodes, the weather causing fibro flares, big changes causing meltdowns, overexerting your hypermobility, whatever it is, it matters. Listen to your body and mind.

- Don’t be afraid to call out that doctor who isn’t listening, dismissing your symptoms and medically gaslighting you.

- While it may not seem like a big difference for some, trust me when I say your appetite is so important! Remember if it comes down to it, that it’s better to eat something, ANYTHING, than nothing at all. 

- To that person who might be hesitant, ashamed or might be questioning wether or not they should use a mobility aid, if it’s the difference between you being stuck at home vs going out and living some life… USE THAT MOBILITY AID!!! Same goes for braces and any other tool that may help you live a better quality of life.

- Be accepting towards those with disabilities different then your own- remember this month isn’t a competition about who’s struggling the most, rather to understand that people of physical, psychological, sensory, neurodivergence, and even undiagnosed disabilities all share one thing in common.. WHICH IS BEING DISABLED!

- Doesn’t matter who you are, how young or old, black or white, thick or thin - the disabled minority is one you can end up becoming a part of at any time, and likely will if you live long enough. Disability doesn’t discriminate, so EVERYONE should be advocating for disabled people’s rights.

- And of course, have pride in being disabled. This shit is fucking hard, but if you’re reading this, you’re doing it. Just being here today and doing what you can handle or manage, is doing your best, and that’s enough. You don’t have to push yourselves to impossible lengths to be proud of yourself.

Here, have the disability pride flag:

[kanmom51]

Have Jikook changed?

My first post for 2025 and here I am, once again, making some points that I feel need to be made.

This is going to be a long one, so brace yourselves for it.

Now that I'm back home from my trip I felt like talking about this post I came by, more so talk about the ask in this post:

I wanted to address this issue that has been concerning some Jikookers over the past year.

This coming up over and over again:

"Jikook have changed". "Their relationship has changed". "They aren't the same", yadda yadda yadda...

Truthfully, this is not something new.

I heard this back in 2021. I heard it in 2022. I definitely heard it in 2023 (who didn't?) and even in 2024, which has me racking my brain seeing as to what they gave us with AYS, their choice of enlistment together and them, in the very few times we heard from them since they enlisted, making sure to tell us they are together (for all those that keep claiming they aren't), they are good, and as of late, JK letting us know they spend their free time together and sing while showering together everyday - yes - everyday.

ALT

I am aware of the fact that many of those voicing these claims are not and never were Jikookers. Amongst them you will find your proverbial cultists (you know exactly who I'm talking about), and antis of all sorts, including but not only JK and JM solos.

When I talk about Jikookers, well, I'm talking about supporters. And I use the word supporters because I do believe there is a stark difference between those who support JM and JK and their bond and love for each other, and shippers that at times are in this for their own gratification rather than support for those two young men. This self gratification can come in many forms. For example, one of them is feeding off drama. Needing JK and JM's relationship to have it's ups and downs. Needing there to be cheating and breakups and heartbreak, making it much more interesting and not just your run of the mill boring long term relationship, cause where's the fun in that?

There are also the 'insecure' Jikookers. These are those that need that constant affirmation from JK and JM, need them to 'prove' they are indeed together, that their bond is as strong as it has always been, that they are MORE than friends to each other. When this affirmation doesn't come they become unsure, start to question it all. And when a blurry no-faced 8 sec clip shows up, they disregard the timing of the clip landing, they disregard it showing up with clearly doctored other clips and pics, they disregard all the suspicious inconsistencies in that clip, including apartment placement, windows placement, furniture placement including objects that aren't supposed to be there, problematic supposed timeline of the filming. Apparently it's enough for there to be a few similarities (while ignoring everything that doesn't fit) for it to be a PROVEN clip of JK. I'm not even going into it being a totally innocent interaction that proves absolutely none of the vile things people, that were supposed Jikookers, were now saying about JK. Not to mention conclusions that were now made regarding JK and JM and their bond and relationship. One grainy clip had people dismiss years of interactions and words spoken by those two, including in 2023, including JK's lives, including JM flying out to be with JK in July, including JK's "I go the other way" TikTok and him coming live shortly after and telling us all that he does not have a girlfriend. Apparently JK supposedly hugging a woman makes him: straight, a cheater, in a relationship with a woman, a king of fanservice using JM to promote his own career.

Where does this insecurity stem from?

Is it because these are two very desirable men that could HAVE anyone they ever wanted, and how can it be that they chose to be in a monogamous relationship with another man for years and since they were literally teenagers? Is it even Homophobia perhaps (including internalised)? Is it due to lack of maturity or lack of experience or bad experience in love and relationships? Is it a combination of all of the above? IDK.

This is becoming long winded... I know I said this will be long, but this is me not even getting started on the points I wanted to make in this post.

Let me sum this up before I move on:

People love drama. People need constant affirmation, especially when it comes to a queer relationship between two hunks of men that are the wet dream of millions, regardless of their sexuality or gender. People have a hard time coming to terms with these two men being in a healthy loving long term relationship.

I guess it's time I started getting to what I wanted to convey here...

I wanted to talk about the whole "they changed" issue.

Because you know, I really struggle understanding what people actually want from JK and JM when it comes to that. What do they expect from them?

What their expectations would be of a straight couple.

What their expectations would be of a straight long term couple.

What their expectations would be of two straight superstars who happen to be in a long term relationship.

Insert the queer into that equation.

Insert queer closeted into that equation.

And now try to make sense of it all.

What do they expect of 2 mega superstars in a 10 year, more or less, queer closeted healthy monogamous long term loving relationship?

This is about the closeted queer relationship, but it's also about what exactly does a long term relationship look like. Healthy long term relationships, straight or queer. Because I do believe that there are too many who have zero idea of what that is supposed to look like. You know, in real life.

Do anons like the one in that post even know what that kind of a relationship looks like to make the claims they do?

There is a reason why so many people that are in such a relationship are recognising Jikook for it!!!

Oh, and btw, I saw their follow-up ask in which they 'explain' what they mean by "changed". Yeah, all the same same. Distanced, not seen together, not spend time together, enlistment together not an actual choice, yadda yadda yadda... Bull meet crap. Jikooker or not is irrelevant to the points I want to make, so I'm not going to get into it. What I want to talk about is Jikook's relationship. Or more so, what a healthy relationship looks like. Over time. As it progresses.

Key word being:

Progresses.

A relationship is dynamic. It grows. It changes. Even more so a healthy one. As the people in the relationship grow, mature, as both JM and JK did (seeing they started out in their teens or early 20s), so does their relationship. Not to mention it changing and adapting to the environment it's in, to realities that change.

A relationship that stays the same, it becomes stagnant. We change all the time. Our surroundings change. The people around us change. If the relationship itself stayed the same it would not survive the test of time.

2013 Jikook are not 2014 Jikook.

Jikook in 2015 are different than they were in 2014 (I mean, their dynamics changed and progressed during 2015 itself as well).

Jikook 2016 are not the same as they were in 2015.

Jikook dynamics in 2017 are different than they were in 2016.

And so on so forth. All the way into 2023 and 2024.

You cannot expect Jikook 2017 to be the same as Jikook 2019, and the same as Jikook 2021 and the same as Jikook 2023-4? And their relationship isn't existing in a vacuum. Untouched, uninfluenced or impacted by everything that is going on around them.

They grew, their environment and reality changed, and as such their dynamics changed and progressed.

Anyone that has followed those two, anyone that joined over time and has watched original content from the past 11 years has seen the progression of their relationship. And make no mistake. This whole "they aren't the same" didn't start in 2023. But it sure has become louder since mid 2021 up to today. There are many reasons to this, growth of the fandom being one of them, but I do believe the main issue was less Jikook content starting end of 2021, basically starting with Chapter two. Them going on their long break and then hiatus into their solo debuts. Less BTS ot7 content meant less Jikook time. Period. Jikook are allowed to be themselves more so when they have the protection of all 7 around them. So, during this period of time we mostly got the same interactions as before, only thing is that we got much less of them and into 2023 we got close to none. This drove people mad. It simply cannot be that the two have a relationship but we aren't allowed to see it, right? There is no way that they are spending time together and we don't know about it... If they aren't seen out together (more so if K-army are not telling us if they are), can they actually still be a couple? As a couple how can they not be fully involved in each other's solo careers, including letting us know that they are, right? I keep saying this, well, I've said it all the way back from 2021: Not seeing them doesn't mean they aren't there. And the two showed us exactly that. We got crumbs of it throughout 2023 but even more so in the end of that year. They have been seeing each other. Spending time at each other's places. Talking to each other about their music. Sharing their songs with each other getting their input. Each knowing the other's songs before released. Knowing as in even being able to sing or hum them. And the choice of enlisting together, the choice not to be separated for the 18 months of service. The choice to go into a fighting unit on the frontline being the price to be paid so that they can stay together. No, there is no comparison to Jin. Yes he was in a base that is considered to be close to the frontline, but he was an instructor in basic training, not a fighter in a frontline unit ready for battle at any given moment. As for the stories about JK not being able to enlist into Tae's unit. Nope. Not true. JK's tattoos weren't preventing him from getting into that unit. Not to mention, if it was that important for Tae to be with JK and the latter couldn't enlist into that unit, well you'd expect Tae to make the effort and enlist into a unit where they could be together, no? Kind of like what JM and JK did to be able to be with each other... There was a clear choice made - for JK and JM to be TOGETHER. The two of them. Period.

Again I digress.

What's wrong with me?????

I was going to talk about healthy long term relationships...

"Jikook have changed", "their relationship has changed". Well, DAH. Of course it has. That's what happens with an ongoing relationship.

If they hadn't changed then I would maybe have doubts, you know, "it's only a friendship" kind of doubts. Although, even friendships change with time (wouldn't that mean that a closer more intimate relationship with another person was prone to change even more so?). Or, like some 'Jikookers' like to talk about them being attracted to each other but never making that move beyond the attraction - yes, then we would be seeing pretty much of the same Jikook as in the early years, but we aren't. We are seeing exactly how a couple's relationship progresses overtime.

But from the little we are privileged to see, the little they allow us to, seeing that even though they are public figures they are still entitled to have a private life, their dynamics, they are clearly as close as ever and A-ok. The level of intimacy between them is beyond, and it's funny to me how so many missed how they stood out so clearly in AYS, but even more so in AYS Jeju. The stark difference between those two, their interactions, their tones with each other, the care towards each other, and then with Tae. It's both ways btw. Each of them towards Tae and Tae with each of them. Clear difference between friends and couple.

But let's move on from AYS, and specifically from the clear differences we saw in Jeju.

Let's talk about those "changes" these shippers, or "insecures" or antis are seeing. I read the comments to the post and I agree with many of them. And I also agree that in a way this anon here represents basic homophobic ideas. The thought of a healthy monogamous long term queer relationship is so unheard of for them that clear signs of exactly that are interpreted as the exact opposite. Clear signs of that calmness, settled in day to day routines, the even, for lack of another term, BORING contentment of a couple are being ignored because what? They themselves have zero idea what a healthy long term relationship looks like? Because they aren't really interested in JK and JM's happiness and want to see the drama, the push and pull, the teenage boy hard to hide or disguise attraction?

Well, I've got some news for those I mention above.

Relationships, the healthier they are, the more they change, adapt. To each other and to everything that surrounds them.

JK and JM grew up.

JK was 18 and JM 20 when things changed between them (in my book). They are now in their late 20s.

They matured. Their relationship matured.

And it adapted.

Adapted to everything and everyone around them.

It changed and adapted to the pandemic in 2020-21. JM struggled, JK was there with him through it all.

Hybe being created. Hybe going public. Hybe vying to buy SM. MHJ and the shit she's pulled, even way back in 2022.

BTS hiatus. Solo debuts.

All these have had an impact on their relationship. Not as to end it, but most definitley having to adapt to these new realities. And as a couple in this industry and a queer one as such, these all also had an affect on what they allowed us to see. Of them. Because of course these last ones impact what we are being allowed to see or hear. Of course there is much that is happening that we don't know, much that we don't get to see, much that we are not allowed to see.

Put all of those together and see where that puts you with regards to a 10 year long term relationship.

A couple in a healthy long term relationship makes for 2 people who share a level of intimacy shared with no others. It has it's ups and downs. They will be sarcastic with each other. They will bicker. They can be bitchy with each other. They will also be highly affectionate with each other. Caring, taking care of one another. Naughty and teasing and flirty with each other. The love is there. The attraction is there. But as time goes by and as they grow up it's more controllable. In a way, it can be referred to as SOFTER. Less edgy as it used to be in the early days. Less urgent perhaps would also be a way of putting it. Many like to refer to it as "domestic".

Jikook in AYS are all of that and more.

I also saw people claiming Jikook in AYS are clear evidence of that "change" they are talking about. And I sit here, running AYS through my head and trying to understand what the heck they're talking about, because AYS, all 8 episodes of the show, showed us just how GOOD Jikook are. As a couple. As a loving couple in a long term relationship. A long term relationship that's been going on since late 2015. A long term relationship that started out with two hormonal driven teenage (totally uncontrollable, lol) boys changing, adapting, growing into two almost 30 year old men (still hormonal, but with much more restraint around each other while on camera, lol).

**Side note: Something I haven't talked about much in this post, but the camera is also a huge part here (when it comes to AYS), one most of those who talk about that "change" seem to forget. Add the fact that although these two have lived many hours in front of the cameras over the years, those cameras haven't been a consistent presence in the past few years, unlike pre 2020. Not to mention that this is the first time the two have ALL of the attention on them and them alone. It's not a coincidence (like most things when it comes to those two) that the moment these people are latching on to is from the first few minutes of the first episode of AYS, as the two just embarked on the unknown journey of filming this show, that they didn't even know what it will look like and what to call at start. I wonder how these Jikook relationship critics would be behaving with a camera in their faces all while being in a closeted relationship... Let's not play stupid and not understand the ramifications of their relationship being 'outed', even more so before they are willing and/or ready for it.

**Another side note: Also, behaviours tend to change according to the situation. Jikook on stage with adrenaline pumping in their veins, all pumped up and less inhibitions are not the same Jikook when first starting to film only the two of them for a show going on a long looked forward trip together. JK's "finally" says it all. Many talk about that car talk, I said what I had to say about it in this post:

They love to latch on to those few words, once again ignoring 8 chapters that show us exactly what they are to each other, not to mention JK's mentioning multiple times how he enjoyed the trips and in the last episode telling us these were the BEST trips of his life!!

**Oh, another side note (if I'm already at it): Another thing people tend to forget is that what we got is the tip of the iceberg of their trips. There are hours of footage they spent together we didn't get to see, not to mention hours they spent together with the cameras off (we saw that they did have control at times over the cameras, if to have the turned on or off). What about their Tokyo time together, which we never got to see of? And if I'm already mentioning this, then I feel the need, once again, to mention that what we get to see on camera or even through sightings of sorts once in a while, is NOTHING compared to what we don't see of their lives. The assumptions made by so many that they don't spend time together during these times is mind boggling to me. Even more so when we KNOW otherwise from little glimpses we get, like: JK talking to himself off camera (yeah, you think that was not on purpose?) that JM changed the angle of his mood lamp; JK telling JM as naturally as can be that he'll get his toiletries together and come have a shower at his place (like he doesn't live minutes away from him and can't shower at his own place); JM spending time with JK the night he got back from LA , JK cooking him dinner, not sleeping all night, only to leave on their Jeju trip together the next day; JK having the code to the apartment at nine one allowing himself in like it's his own place... just a few examples...

Enough with side notes and back to Jikook changing.

Yeah, that car talk is something they love to bring up time and time again. All while ignoring the abundance of moments that show oh so very clearly just how much JM and JK are so very much the same two people that are still so very much together.

The loud naughty moments

The playful/ fun/ also a little naughty moments

The you are me I am you moments

Butt hitting, hair pulling

The JK mesmerised by JM moments

The soft intimate moments.

The soft "I'm there for you" moments.

The caring moments

The JK cooking FOR JM moments

The "I have no straight explanation for this" moments

Basically that whole hot tub/ cold tub episode was just....

There was so so much more, my image limit is done and dusted. I'm visualising a series of posts (needs to be a series because of this silly image limit) for these moments... all the above (seeing that these were just a few examples among many more instances) plus more more more, like the teasing and so very couplie "I will do the thing I know will get a kick out of you because I know you oh so very much" moments as well (just posted my AYS masterlist, but also, go watch the show again!!).

And yes, the bickering and sarcastic moments too, cause babe, there ain't no long term relationship without all of those. It's a package. It's real life people, not a scripted drama.

If you can't be real with the person you love, if you can't show them not only when you are happy and content but also when you are unhappy, including with them, then that is not a healthy happy relationship.

I sometimes feel like those who won't see Jikook for what they are and what they have are driven by fear. Fear of a same sex couple is a huge one, but not only. Fear of what a healthy relationship is. Fear of never having that kind of a relationship would also be up there. Fear of what a long term relationship is - this idea that a relationship has to be static and intense and not understanding that the safety and comfort and ordinary day to day existence doesn't take away from the love you have for each other, nor the passion, quite the opposite.

And for those that don't get that, I feel a little sad, seeing that their expectations of a relationship are unrealistic or toxic.

I will end with this making it super clear:

JM and JK may have changed over the years. Their relationship has progressed and changed over the years as relationships do.

What they mean to each other, what they are to each other remains unchanged.

[wxwrites]

Issues

(pitfighter!vi x reader, f!reader, fluff & light angst)

men dni

(a little self indulgent because i wish cait apologized properly)

you and vi get into a fight at the warehouse she fights in, chaos ensues, and you find yourselves locked in a storage closet. apologies and reconciliation come about as you pour your love and feelings into each other.

“No, Violet, I really just don’t fucking understand it!” you snap, storming through the hallways of the abandoned warehouse. Vi is following behind you, equally just as angry, the sound of her boots clanking across the cement floors. 

“Of course you don’t! It’s not like you’ve even tried to!” she exclaims, shoving her hands into the pockets of her leather jacket. You stop in your tracks as soon as the words leave her mouth, causing her to bump into your back. You step forward briefly before whipping around to glare at her.

“Me? You’ve been shit-faced all day! How can you say that I’m not trying?” you ask, voice cracking as the anger continues to build inside of you. She scoffs and rolls her eyes at your comment, pushing her way past you, knocking into your shoulder on the way. 

You sigh and concede, following in step behind her. There’s a loud cry from the other end of the hallway, and then a stampede of footsteps following. As they funnel towards both of you, roars and chants pound through the space. She yanks you into a nearby storage closet, slamming the door behind you.

“What the fuck?” you gasp, coughing as your back hits the door. You both hear crashes and loud clamors as the crowd moves down the hallway, items and furniture slamming around. “What’s happening?” You yell over the thundering voices and the bangs against the door. She shakes her head and shrugs, “New champion, maybe?” she suggests, raising her voice over the commotion; but otherwise looks clueless. 

You huff angrily for the next ten… twenty minutes? You’re not sure, but you realize that by the end of it, you’re both sitting on the ground, and she’s drunkenly slumped onto your shoulder. You want to shrug her off, wake her up, do anything to get rid of her infuriating touch. But it’s hard. It’s hard when she looks so peaceful as she sleeps. It’s hard when you know that being asleep is the only time she isn’t plagued by her devastating insecurities.

Eventually, the weight becomes too much to bear on your already sore shoulders. You stroke her hair gently and coax her out of her slumber with a quiet “Vi, Vi, c’mon,” speaking like a broken record. She groans and pulls off of your shoulder, shaking the blurriness out of her eyes. “Are you okay?” you ask gently, reaching down to cup her cheek and tilt her head back slightly, giving you a better look at her disheveled state. 

“Violet,” you say firmly, stroking your thumb over her cheek. She hums out quietly, chasing the feeling of your palm. “Yeah, yeah ‘m good,” she mumbles, pressing a sloppy kiss to your palm, smearing the runny black makeup into your hand. 

You smile warmly at the affection, the previous fight almost completely forgotten. You sigh deeply as you straighten her up, bracing your hands on her shoulders. “We need to get home,” you mumble, thumbing over the runny black streaks on her face. She sniffs quietly and nods, allowing you to pull her up to her feet. She stumbles slightly, pressing her hands to your shoulders as she stabilizes herself. 

You reach for the door handle and turn it, attempting to push through. The rickety door refuses to budge, causing you to huff out in frustration. She notices your frustration and gently pulls you away, taking her own shot at forcing the door open. Her attempts are futile as it remains cemented shut. She crashes her body into it, attempting to brute-force her way through, and ultimately fails. 

“Vi, c’mon, it’s not gonna move,” you state, gently tugging her back by her bicep. “You’re gonna hurt yourself,” the words ring through her ears, causing her to back off and away from the door. 

“Must’ve destroyed the place earlier, ” she comments, words stringing together a little more coherently this time. 

You nod quietly, letting out a tired sigh as you slump back onto the floor. She settles on the rough ground next to you, your arms brushing together. 

You sit in a tense silence, both wanting to address the argument, but neither wanting to deal with the onslaught of emotions. 

Minutes pass before Vi finally opens her mouth, sucking in a deep breath first, before; “I’m sorry… about earlier,” she mutters, picking at the skin surrounding her fingernails. 

You reach out and lovingly grab her hand, pulling it away from the self destructive action. As you rub your fingers over hers gently, you mumble back, “I just hate when you get like this, y’know… l-like you get so cold and distant,” you stammer.

She sighs deeply and nods her head, running a frustrated hand over her face. “I know, IーI don’t have an excuse or a reason,” she says, and you don’t miss the frustrated tone. Vi finally turns her head so that she can meet your eyes, frowning slightly.

“...and I’m also sorry,” you reply after a beat, “I shouldn’t have yelled at you earlier,” you say, pulling her hand up to press a gentle kiss to her knuckles. 

She shakes her head, “No, no, I was being an asshole and you really didn’t deserve it,” she deflects, causing you to frown. “That doesn’t give me the right to snap at you like that, I should’ve just walked away first. Or.. or at least said something before it got to that point,” you reply, leaning forward to press your foreheads together. 

You reach up to cup her cheek gently, swiping your thumb through some of the remaining black ink. “We really need to work on this, okay? We can’t keep fighting, my love,” you say firmly, but there’s an unmistakable tone of gentleness and adoration in your voice. 

She nods immediately and sniffles, causing you to notice the stray tears that have rolled down her cheeks. You give her a sweet smile as you wipe them away tenderly, pressing your lips beneath her eyes, and onto her nose. She lets out a quiet, almost inaudible chuckle as your eyelashes flutter against her skin. 

“You’re too sweet for me, angel,” she mutters, catching your lips with hers. You grin against her mouth, stroking your hand through her hair. She wraps a strong arm around your waist and pulls you into her lap, enveloping you in a tight embrace. She inhales deeply, relishing in your comforting and affectionate presence.

“I love you so much,” she mumbles, pressing a few fleeting kisses to your collarbones. You wrap one arm around her neck and use your other hand to push her bangs back, caressing her forehead with your lips tenderly. “I love you more than words could ever say,” you respond, giving her another soft smile.

[ferrstappen]

Everybody wants a taste l LN4

a/n: i am in an urgent need of writing ideas I've had for MONTHS so brace yourselves I guess?? also the title ofc is from pop anthem jealous by nick Jonas.

i am also very very very stressed waiting for the standing start.

pairing: Lando Norris x actress!reader

this is angst. and some tom holland after this poll results <3

summary: Lando had never been the jealous kind, but after seeing you with many co-stars, he reaches his limit. and his girlfriend doesn't like it.

No one would ever know Lando Norris' was reaching his limit as he stood on the sidelines of another press junket for his girlfriend's new movie: a coming of age movie that already was creating awards season buzz, and God was he proud of her, having witnessed the ten minute standing ovation she received during Cannes.

But of course the limelight wasn't only on her. No, it was on him.

Lando remembers when he was asked who he'd want to portray him if they ever did a biopic and he didn't hesitate: Tom Holland. There could be some similarities between the two, both British, chestnut curls, but now Lando's skin crawled just from hearing the name.

He had dealt with different co-stars during the almost two years of relationship; he'd seen her kiss them, fight with them, fall in love with them, but this was different, he never had to witness her naked skin pressed against someone else, placing her body on top of his, pretended noises he knew weren't real and authentic, but still, they were supposed to be just for him. All for the sake of making a point of her character being an adult now, some shit about an epiphany of being able to take control of her own life, make decisions about her body, and whatever the screenwriters wanted to portray.

And of course Lando didn't help himself.

user1: God has favorites, just check y/n having fake sex w tom holland and real sex w lando norris

user2: no but y/n and tom??? such a hot couple I NEED it to happen

user3: and what are you gonna do with lando and zendaya? lol user2: idc I just want y/n and tom to be a thing

And that was just the beginning, before the movie had even dropped, because the day of the premiere? Everything went wrong.

Sunny Los Angeles had welcomed you and Lando after landing from London, paparazzi eagerly waiting for the arrival at LAX, catching the perfect pictures of Lando placing you in front of him, holding your hand tightly and doing his best to shield your body from prying eyes who just wanted a couple of dollars.

Despite being jet lagged after spending a couple of days in your home in Monaco, there wasn't much time to catch a break because the moment the two of you set foot on the Beverly Hills Hotel, they barely let you take a shower before giving some nice, fluffy robes. Lando was first, out of nowhere two people were working on his hair while the other was applying some kind of serums and creams on his face, but he didn't care when it was time for another team to start working on you; Lando was mesmerized by the way your hair perfectly framed your face, the natural glow of your skin, the deep red of your lips.

"I don't like being so separated," Lando pouted, walking towards your seat, earning a giggle from you because he looked so funny and cozy with the big robe.

"There's not much we can do, baby. I can barely move," You searched for his eyes and that was when Lando got the idea. The hair stylists gasped when the racer sat down on the floor, circling his arms around one of your legs and resting his cheek on your thigh. "Oh, you're willing to be told off by the make up artists as well?" You asked him but your insides were dancing all over the place, your fingers quickly finding their place on his curls.

Neither of you noticed a Vogue photographer capturing the scene, with Lando's eyes closed and cheek smushed, with his arms secured around your leg, but neither realized representatives for Armani had walked in carrying Lando's tux and your body-hugging black velvet gown.

So far so good. A picture perfect young couple who loved each other very much and had photographers swooning by the way Lando fixes your earring and checks for lipstick on your teeth, and how you make sure his bow tie is leveled.

But then, they get to the red carpet.

It was an elegant affair, but still full of people and before he realized, the red carpet manager was separating you from him for an alone photo call before the one and only Tom Holland got there, cheerfully greeting you in front of the cameras, throwing a couple of jokes to make you laugh as he placed his hand on your back.

This was a nightmare, having to listen to people say how cute the two of you looked, a perfect on and off screen pair, chemistry on and off the screen, both your names already on the shortlist for the Oscars.

Lando's skin was starting to crawl, and it didn't help that he had to re watch the scenes haunting his mind, but this time it was out for the entire world to see, and it didn't take long for his latest instagram post to be flooded of vile comments.

when are you getting replaced by tom holland??

now tom holland can play you in movie and y/n plays herself, nothing changes lmao

lando control ur woman!!!

lucky man, she sounds so pretty I almost had to leave the theatre

lando honey you can leave her I'd never do that to you

And Lando knows he shouldn't, but when your hand reaches for his when the night ends, he pretends to look for his phone; when you try to fix a messy curl, he moves his head out of your reach.

and you know your boyfriend too well.

"Baby, are you okay?" You ask him once you reach the shared hotel room.

Lando lets out a dry chuckle, but too aware of his throat closing. "Why wouldn't I be?"

But you weren't having it, not today, not on your big day, not when you just wanted rest your head on his chest and fall asleep with his arms wrapped around your frame.

"I don't know, you tell me, you're the one acting weird,"

"I am not," Lando argued, trying to take deeper breath, but failing miserably.

"Okay Lando, whatever, I don't care. You can be selfish during a very important day for me for all I care,"

Those words struck a nerve: "Me? Selfish? Are you fucking kidding me?" Now you could see his cheeks flushing, maybe even his neck gaining some red color.

You wanted to be scared, to walk away and let him cool off any unwanted feeling or thought on his head, but you couldn't.

"No, I'm not. Please illustrate me as to what happened to put you in this insufferable mood," You argued back and watched as Lando's mouth opened and closed as he undid the cuffs from his shirt, threw the suit jacket on the leather sofa and threw away the bow tie, all in just a couple of seconds.

"Am I not allowed to be upset to watch him all over you, having to look at the both of you acting like the best of friends or lovers for all I care, and then have to watch on this fucking enormous screen how you kiss him and touch him," Lando spat the words as if they were venom; he could feel his throat closing

Your eyes widened in disbelief, your brain not processing Lando's words. "Lando, you are not making any sense. Are you listening to yourself?" You were careful not to raise your voice, knowing he wasn't in a clear space of mind, but you blood was running hot too after processing what he was implying.

"Yes, I am. (Y/N), baby, I'm tired of having to watch you making out with a different guy every a couple of months, it is so tiring, and I understand that this is your job, but..." Lando was about to continue but was stopped by you, messily taking off the heavy velvet dress and heels, putting on the first pair of jeans and oversized sweater you found. "What are you doing?"

"I don't want to listen to you anymore. You are ridiculous, Lando. You're talking about my job, my career, that I've worked my ass off, and never in a million years I thought you'd be telling me this bullshit! I'm not going to entertain this, so if you can't deal with this anymore, please let me know so that I can move on," this time your throat tightened, the last words coming out broken and choked, emotions fighting to make their way; from anger to utter sadness.

"Where are you going?" Lando didn't know if he was angry with you, disappointed in himself, maybe a mix of both as he watched you grab the Chanel black backpack.

"I don't know, but let me know if you can do this or what,"

You were sure those were the last words of the unforeseen argument, but as you were grabbing the card key of the room, Lando opened his mouth.

"Maybe you can go with Tom, everyone wants you two together anyway."

Of course he needed to get the last words.

[oimitocat]

TSWCP — CHAPTER 1

lee minho x m!reader

chapter summary; minho shouldn’t think of you as more than his friend, but he can’t help it. unknowing that it’s vice versa, he just tries to stay as good as a friend as he has been. not aware that you feel for him too. yet, the two of you keep deceiving yourselves.

content warning; subtle internalized homophobia + subtle insecurity + tension + constant change of pov (mainly minho’s)

content genre; idol au + actor au + fluff + slight angst + 9th member! reader

word count — 6.5k | m.list | a/n; enjoy ;)

minho doesn’t like the term crush. the word feels like an impossible possibility to something more with the person you have feelings for. he won’t say it out loud but he also doesn’t deny that he has feelings. sure, he acts cold and annoying and-

“-and weird but it’s okay. we like you just the way you are,” you say with a grin.

minho rolls his eyes at you. even if he’s all of those things, he shows love in his own way. he shows he cares in his own way. everyone knows this, members and fans alike. you could say his love language is acts of service. he won’t say it of course, he’ll deny anything and everything. the main thing he’s trying to deny right now is that he has a crush on you. his delusional self says it’s not a crush, it’s an actual feeling he knows can turn into reality. his other half is telling him he’s stupid if he thinks anything will happen.

after all there are a lot of factors he takes into consideration. the main two being– how conservative his country is and the idea he has created in his head that you would never look at him the way he hopes. it’s absurd, anyone would say, it’s clear as day how the two of you look at each other. minho has seen the ship tweets on twitter and videos or their “chemistry”. yet, he doesn’t see what everyone else sees… and he doesn’t realize it’s because of his fear.

his fear is acting out on his feelings genuinely and not for fan service. despite knowing he enjoys faking it so much.

that’s something you obviously don’t know. you silently preen at him when he walks past you and bats his pretty eyes at you. the nine of you are at a show. well, you’re all wrapping up. minho is in your eyesight at all times, unknowingly. you watch as he talks with felix about what they had just done. you always take in as much as you can, during promotions it’s harder to be… intimate.

“okay,” you say to yourself, rolling your eyes at yourself for the impure thought you had for a split second.

that definitely wasn’t the word but you also think it fits best. there’s just something more personal of being with minho alone in the comfort of your dorms. not just with minho, with everyone. you care for everyone the same. you watch out for everyone the same, it’s a dynamic you love. you know your fans love that side of you too; that caring and loving side you show towards the members. especially towards minho, the fans go crazy when you two are a little touchy & lovey.

at some point, the fan service wasn’t just fan service for you. you actually meant what you did.

there are things you take pride in. you take pride in your career, your honed skills- both in dancing and acting. you’re proud of your education accomplishments. you have reasons to be confident and you have a way of handling things that many point out and praise you for. still, you remain humble and only flex when needed.

hence, those are things that minho loves about you.

“s/n-ssi,” the host calls out, “could you record a video for us talking about your experience in the show?”

minho watches how you pause. he finds it adorable how your eyes widen.

“by myself?” you ask, cautious.

“you could invite one more member.”

he looks away the second your eyes fall on him. he plays dumb, like he’s already in his own business. yet, extremely aware of how you walk up to him. he braces himself for the question, yet, it doesn’t come. instead, you grab his hand and start to drag him. he should’ve known.

“y/n,” he groans.

you laugh, the sound bouncing around his head at how beautiful it is. he loves your laugh. “come on lee know,” he teases, “we gotta do our job.”

“it’s very quick,” the host says when the two of you join him with the camera man.

minho forces a smile. it indeed is a very quick recording. he doesn’t talk at all, simply listens to you and nods. the whole time it’s just you talking, but you’re hyper aware of minho next to you. the second, however, he looks at you, you stutter.

“-and i- no we- have not i mean, will- lee know why are you looking at me like that,” you accuse.

minho blinks, ears going red when he’s caught staring. he had hoped it wasn’t too obvious, he only tried to glance at you. guess he just couldn’t keep his eyes away from you even if he tried.

the host simply laughs and urges you to continue. minho, teasingly, keeps staring at you. you look at the ceiling as you keep talking, wrapping it up quick.

“ah, s/n-ssi it’s almost like you were rapping at the end there,” the host laughs.

“well you did say wrap it up, get it?”

minho makes a face of disgust. “please don’t,” he utters while the camera man and the host laugh at your witty humor.

later, when the episode airs, minho can’t help but watch the final part when you and him were “interviewed”. he obviously didn’t say much, he doesn’t focus on anything except you. how you smile as you talk, how you cracked up the ugliest joke known to humankind.

“-but it’s okay, we like you just the way you are,” he says at the end of the video and the editors have the joy to cue back at what y/n had said about him in the show.

he gives the video a like and goes to sleep.

the thing about promotions is that there is little time to yourself. it’s where you have the most cameras on you. it’s where you have the least sleep. that doesn’t really stop any of you from being any different, your group is known for being the way you are on cameras as you are off cameras.

you really dislikes the lack of sleep though. it’s a known fact it makes you grumpy. you already have a rbf, so the sleep fatigue makes it worse.

“you got pain killers?”

minho looks at you before shaking his head. you groan, closing your eyes and slumping into your seat. the van is full of four members aside from yourself. jisung is sleeping in the middle row seats, you really envy him.

“you can lean on me if you want to fall asleep,” he offers, his heart racing.

“no cus then you’ll fall asleep and blame me for making it an uncomfortable nap.”

minho laughs, absolutely enamored with how truthful that was. “yeah but you had less sleep than me, didn’t you go recite the script they sent in for the drama they casted you for?”

you hum, eyes closed. “yeah, it’s not that bad though. my lines are a mix of english and korean, super helpful.”

“oh wow,” he watches you, enjoying how exposed your neck is since you have it tilted back into the seat’s headrest. “fans will go crazy.”

you snort, “they go crazy regardless.”

that’s true.

he goes crazy too.

he falls silent, looking forward and listening to the sound of your breathing. you ended up humming softly, something you do when you’re trying to stay awake. he messes with the bag on his lap. he truly worries for you, shooting a drama takes out so much from you. he remembers how exhausted you were last time despite only appearing in the drama for 5 episodes and not the whole season.

“have they told you how long shooting will take?”

you sigh, never once opening your eyes. you cross your arms over your chest, “about six months.” minho’s brows shoot up, “minimum.”

“oh damn,” he watches as you swallow, not concealing how attentive he is to your adam’s apple. “when do you start?”

“next month, but they won’t air any of the trailers until… what month are we in?”

“august,” he says.

“like around march?”

“we have a comeback around that time…” minho frowns, “is the company going to make you sit back?”

“like hell i will, even if they offer it, i’m not stopping my activities with the group over a drama, i can handle it.”

minho says nothing, knowing that when you decide on something no one can change your mind. there’s a reason fans compare you to chan, feared by jyp due to the potential and privileges you two have. exceptional workers. minho loves seeing that stubborn side of you. it’s amusing during games, it’s hot during tense conversations with management and it’s enamoring when you talk to him about your plans.

only he knows even the most intimate details of you. your past and what you dream for your future.

he knows you can handle it… but only to an extent. you’re dear to him, anyone with eyes can see it. even when the members speak about who minho has a soft spot for- you are among the short list.

it’s a mutual thing, recognizable for the eye to see… just not for the two of you.

anyone else sees it.

they see how you look at minho as if he hangs the stars. they see how he looks at you with soft eyes, like you hold the world.

“we start working on recordings tomorrow,” he comments.

“i know.”

minho opens his bag and and pulls out a water bottle. he uncaps it and hands it to you, nudging your elbow with it. you open your eyes, raise your head and look at him questioningly. he eyes you, nudging you once more with the bottle. it’s a silent order, so you take it. your eyes follow down to his hands as he pulls out-

“YOU DID HAVE PILLS!”

“y/n~! shut up!” jisung groans.

you take pride in many things. minho knows what they are.

“one - two - three, four, five - six a~nd seven,” minho recites rhythmically as he watches you through the mirror.

you started shooting the drama last week and you’re behind. the company enforces the group to practice the b side that will be promoted, for those are the ones 3RACHA decide first, the title track always being hard to choose.

you’re one of the main dancers. minho loves seeing you pour everything you have into your dance. the way your limbs move with both grace and power is something he enjoys watching.

he claps his hands and turns to you, “want to do it with music?”

you grimace but nod. doing it with music isn’t the same as practicing it without it. you have to learn how to synchronize the beats of your steps to the music. you learned that confidence is key, nine out of ten times , if you do things with confidence, you are bound to do it right. so you color no one surprised when you get it right. minho smiles at you, patting your arm in praise.

“good! now the chorus,” minho laughs.

you smile, watching him wipe the sweat off his forehead. he has no makeup on and you find that minho without makeup is the prettiest. you get to see his natural flush, he radiates something more when he’s without makeup. something beautiful.

“what?” he asks when he sees you haven’t moved.

“huh?” you blink, looking away.

he doesn’t say anything. he stares at you before bring the back of his hand to his cheek. they’re warm. ugh, he hates how visible his flusteredness gets when he’s without makeup. he shouldn’t overthink things either. you probably were staring at him because of how sweaty he is, nothing more. you have too many things in your mind, you have better things to think about. at the end of the day, he knows you would never look at him the way he wants.

“need a break?” you ask and he snaps out of it.

“eh? hey, i should be asking you that!” he gently shoves you.

you snort, “i’m the most talented person on this earth. i can handle anything.”

minho narrows his eyes and says nothing. the playfulness leaves as he takes in your tired eyes.

“how’s the drama coming along?” he asks softly as he sits on the floor.

you copy him, shrugging. “it’s going. the first few shots are the hardest in my opinion, because you have to make the most impact in the first two episodes. the directors are a little harsh on the female actors… i kinda don’t like that but i can’t do much about that..”

minho frowns, “have they upset you? the directors?”

“nah, i mean i am still new to the whole main lead thing, so i do need a little help here and there but other than that all good.” you smile.

minho nods, understanding. he stares at you, catching a glimpse of something in your eyes. he knows it too well. he can’t even get away before you tackle him.

“yah!” he yells, underneath your weight, “y/n!”

“ye~s?” you laugh, caging him under your arms.

“get off!” he demands, trying to push you off.

another thing about you is that you have a sleeper’s build. you don’t seem very strong but you are. certain clothes grant people to see that you are actually built, while others hide what your physique is. no one truly knows your strength until you show it. like now, minho himself is pretty strong but you always beat him.

“hm, how about no.”

“yah!”

“ah, you’re getting red!”

“i am not!”

you laugh before levitating yourself a bit, letting him breathe. he looks so pretty, now that you fully look down. with his hair fanned across the floor, his face a little red, his chest rising as he catches his breath. gorgeous.

then you lower yourself once more. he grunts.

“do not do push ups on top of me! you’re heavy!”

“how rude,” you pout as you lower yourself down again.

you’re so, so close! he swallows and lets out a soft, shuddered breath as you grin down at him. why do you have to be so good looking? he can’t even keep fighting you, he feels so weak underneath you. he closes his eyes when your face is inches away from his. he turns his head to the side, grunting when you put all your weight on him again.

he knows you’re messing with him, but his dirty mind can’t help but wonder what it would be like to have you on top of him. in a very different way, to have you lean down on him.

“are you guys practicing?” felix asks as he comes in, smiling brightly.

hyunjin comes after, looking directly at the two of you. “yah! what are you doing?”

“was just messing around,” you say with a wide smile as you roll off of minho.

minho says nothing, swallowing down the whimper he had wanted to let out when you got off of him. why does he like you so much? you’re the worst. for what, minho? for not liking you back? he thinks annoyingly.

felix tackles y/n to the ground. hyunjin sits down. minho hates how annoyed he is that they came in. it was supposed to just be you and him all night practicing. he wanted to be the main one to teach you the choreographies. he wanted to bask in your presence for as long as he could tonight before not seeing you all day tomorrow.

“how’s the drama coming? do you have any clips?” hyunjin asks, excited.

you cradle felix in your lap and peer over his shoulder. “i have one from today,” you point at your bag, “my phone’s in there, can you hand it to me?”

hyunjin scrambles to do so. he’s a big drama fanatic and knowing you’ll be acting in one as the main lead, he’s extremely excited. he won’t stop talking about it nonstop if anyone gives him the opportunity to do so. when you pull up the recording, he peers over hyunjin’s shoulder. minho would say he’s your number one fan- well, he won’t say it out loud but he is.

seeing you with your prop outfit does things to his heart. your hairstyle is clean, not exactly slicked back but something that compliments your face so much and exposes more of it. you look handsome, more so when you yell out a line, the other actors displaying fear from your outburst. the camera expands out to the room and a woman is sitting across the table from where you are at the end.

with a gasp, hyunjin asks, “WHO’S THAT?”

minho looks at you from under his lashes, wondering the same thing.

“that’s the female lead,” you pause, “you want her korean name or her english name?”

minho’s brows twitch from a furrow to neutral at the question.

“why do you know both?” felix snorts.

“everyone knows ours,” you argue.

“fair.”

“whichever,” hyunjin awaits.

“lee gayoung,” you say casually, “i’m pretty sure she’s done second female lead for two dramas before this.”

“what’s the plot about again?” hyunjin asks

“it’s kinda based on ancient mythology but the leads shift from modern times to ancient times. i’m not going to say much, the posters are about to come out,” you chuckle.

minho stares back at your phone as hyunjin hits play for the video to continue. the panel zooms in to the female lead, showing her dead serious expression.

“she’s so pretty,” hyunjin breathes out. “damn, some good actors were casted!”

“of course, i’m one of them,” you huff and tilt your chin up.

minho stares at the actress before the director yells out ‘cut!’ and whoever is holding the phone screams and moves the phone away from the screen where they were recording the shot. it panels to y/n walking away with a shy smile as staff members cheer.

“who was recording?” minho finds himself asking.

“huh? oh, some staff member,” you shrug.

there’s a bitter sensation in minho’s throat. he knows how popular you are with the ladies. you’re too friendly towards them without even meaning to. regardless of gender, he sees how others look at you— during award shows, music shows, interviews, wherever. you turn heads without knowing.

“we should keep practicing,” he says, catching your attention as well as hyunjin and felix’s.

“yeah we should,” you sigh, shoving felix off of you playfully.

yet, you couldn’t help but notice how only felix and hyunjin were teaching you more than minho. as if minho had distanced himself.

it’s probably just your tired mind making that up though,,,right?

on the odd times you have off, minho makes the most of it. his schedule isn’t as busy as yours, hence, it’s not hard for him to move some things around when you announce that you have an evening off. he quickly tells you to be ready to help him in the kitchen.

“cake?” you complain, “i’m feeling cheese danishes.”

minho scoops up a bit of cake frosting with his finger from the bowl and inspects it. “then make them. you’re the l/n y/n, you know how to do anything.” he smears it on your cheek. “don’t ya?”

“hey!” you immediately take a full hand of frosting and smear it all over his face.

he gasps and screams. his hands fly to grab your wrist and tug on it to get away from his face.

“i have to buy an ingredient, want to come with me?”

he glares at you as once he successfully wipes off the frosting from his eyes. “no.”

“what?” you gasp, “why not?”

“HELLO? YOU SMEARED A HANDFUL OF FROSTING IN MY FACE.”

“wash it off,” you huff. you stare at him as he furiously wipes his face with a towel. “or let me wash it for you.”

minho pauses, he turns to you before narrowing his eyes. “okay.”

“i knew you couldn’t resist me-“

“FORGET IT!”

you laugh as you tussle him to the kitchen sink. he’s strangely pliant as you gently bend him forward and run the faucet. he grumbles as you furiously wash his face, playful and annoying him. yet, you actually took your time and went gentle after a few seconds. wiping away at every crevice on his face, watching how his features don’t soften in case you try to pull something.

just as you close the faucet, you cup his face and squish it. he glares at you before pulling away and saying he’ll go in his current clothes while hanging up the apron.

“hai,” you announce as you pick up your wallet and keys.

the nearest grocery store isn’t far, maybe ten minutes by foot. minho enjoys these small moments, especially when he knows a busy schedule is coming up. the two of you had always had a strong bond, almost the way he has one with jisung. except you’re just a lot more special to him.

“what did we not have that you’re getting?” he asks as he looks over at you.

you look amazing under the lights. it’s slightly dark already, he loved seeing you in good lighting when you’re in nothing but a black top and grey sweats. his favorite look on you, call him basic, he’s a sucker for you in almost anything anyway.

“just the dough. we have cream cheese and vanilla and everything else, just not the dough. i’m just buying one that’s ready to be in the oven.”

“hm? why not from scratch?”

“you think i want to do all that?” you ask like you’re offended.

minho pauses, staring at you as the two of you keep walking. he knows you mean well, yet it starts to dawn on him that you’re tired. you’re stressing with all the responsibilities and obligations you have on your shoulders. it’s been a week or two since you’ve actually even had an evening off. it’s almost the end of february, the weather is still chilly and he finds himself walking closer to you for warmth.

“you could’ve rested tonight,” he says softly, staring at the pavement as the two of you walk.

you sigh, “if i didn’t spend time with your or any of the members i would’ve been memorizing more of my script.”

minho’s heart sinks. you want an escape. yet, the thought of that warms him up at the same time.

“sorry… i do appreciate you spending your time with me,” he says, remembering your laugh from earlier when you smeared frosting on his face.

you pause, looking over at him. “is the lee minho saying something nice?”

“you know what-“ and minho turns around to walk the way the two of had came from.

“wha- hey!” you laugh and grab his arm, trying to pull him back but due to the lack of strength into it, he drags you instead.

minho knows you know he’s playing, still he would’ve liked it if you put in your strength and-

you yank him back and spin him around. he stumbles and falls into your chest. unsure of how he ended up in this position, he freezes. you wrap your arms around him, engulfing his slightly smaller frame into your body. for a moment, minho forgot how chilly it is.

“i’m fine, minho.” you say softly, “don’t worry about me, okay? let’s just do what we always do…”

minho swallows, the worry he’s been hiding coming to the surface. “okay.” he says in defeat, realizing he would’ve argued for you to get more rest and take care of yourself.

but he knows you. you don’t really like having people worry over you… it’s some sort of mental thing you have. you care for him because he understands you.

without another comment, the two of you go to the grocery and get what you need. you also spoil him. he knows you’ll never say no to him either. most of the time that he asks for anything is just to mess with you.

“can i get that?” and it would be a weird drink with a flavor you’ve never seen or heard.

“that?” and it’d be a random fruit.

“that too?” and it’d be a bag of your favorite chips.

“oh, i want that too.” and it’d be something he doesn’t need, like a pretty plate.

“we should get that.” and he finally just holds up two push pops.

at the end of the day he’s preening at how you always spend on him on stuff as useless as a plant that no one would have time to take care of. it happened before and you playfully held a grudge about it. to the fans it’s a funny grudge you still hold but the members know you’re playing about it.

“blegh, that’s disgusting,” you grimace as you spit out what you just tasted.

minho laughs evilly, enjoying your expression after tasting the drink he had chosen. this time you two are taking a different route back to the dorms. it’s safer to never go the same path twice in one day in case of sasaengs.

“i think it’s okay,” he lies, taking another sip.

“liar,” you huff.

he shrugs, chugging it down and throwing it in the nearest trash can. there’s a bus stop coming up, he notices your face on a poster. without a comment, he jogs up to it, coming face to face with it. you catch up, finding your spot next to him. you stare at the poster, not really caring for it but wondering what has minho so intrigued.

“you kissed her already?” he asks, soft and almost… actually you can’t make out that tone.

before him, is a large poster of you and gayoung, you’re holding her face, extremely close to your own. lips almost touching, actually he thinks they are touching, he just doesn’t want to believe it. he knows you’re bound to kiss at some point but.. already? her hands are comfortably on your chest and her eyes look up at you with the most enamored eyes ever.

“yeah, they wanted something raw for the posters, so we… kinda made out before almost pulling away and that’s how they got that shot.”

minho nods, “looks like you liked it too.” he says, mustering as much of a playful tease as he can.

you seemed to have believed it, “awe hell nah, i’m just doing what i’m getting paid for. oh! i think hyunjin is really going to love the poster designs though, cus see how under us kissing is a blended out scope of water with a boat and cherry trees? the scenery is beautiful for this drama, i think you guys would enjoy that more.”

he simply nods, eyeing gayoung’s enamored expression one more time before looking at your face on the poster. where she looks lovestruck and soft, your eyes seem like they’re burning with protection and desire. as if she was yours.

“yeah,” he says, looking away. “i’m sure we will..”

and no, he’s not jealous. that’s…. he swallows and clutches the push pop in his hand, that’s not what it is.

things are strange.

maybe you wouldn’t have noticed if seungmin didn’t point it out. the nine of you were recording an ep of family skz. you were the single uncle and the gag was that you and jisung liked lina.

“doesn’t minho look like gayoung with that wig?” you joke to hyunjin while on a small break from shooting.

“watch it, he’ll probably not talk to you for sure if he heard that,” seungmin says from behind.

“huh?” you turn to seungmin, unsure of why he sounded dead serious.

hyunjin snorts, “mm, for real. he’s already distant with you.”

“eh?” you turn to hyunjin now.

what are they on about?

“ever since the first trailer came out, he’s been ignoring you. said something about you being too busy to talk.”

that’s weird, just yesterday minho left an energy drink (your favorite one too) on your nightstand when you woke up to start your day. it’s strange, he indeed has not talked to you but he interacts with you in a different, silent way.

when recording starts back up, you try to interact with lina’s character but she (read:he) blatantly ignores you. at some point you complain to seungmin.

“yah, your wife isn’t being very respectful, she won’t answer me.”

“and why should i talk to anyone other than my husband?” lina sneers, leaning near seungmin.

seungmin blinks, “my wife is a free spirit.”

everyone laughs. later, as you’re all playing some sort of game of hide and seek (technically it’s two people blindfolded and everyone avoids getting hit with a wooden spoon). seungmin and hyunjin are the ones being blindfolded, you quickly jump over the couch to make it to the other side when hyunjin swings towards you. minho, who was running from seungmin bumps into you.

“oops-“ minho goes but slaps a hand over his mouth when seungmin spins around at the sound.

he pushes you further, so that you two could avoid getting caught. you look down at his pretty face as he pushes you to the wall and the two of you stand in the corner. he looks up at you and you can’t help but smile.

he narrows his eyes at you before looking away. you just keep staring at him.

the shooting continues and at the end the timer goes out and only hyunjin couldn’t catch anyone. seungmin caught two people, jeongin and you. you because lina had the nerve to make a sound and push you towards seungmin. you couldn’t really be upset, because the way he batted his pretty lashes at you as he basically handed you over to seungmin is something you engraved into your brain.

after the shooting you had to quickly change out of your prop clothes and pack up your things to go to the drama shooting site. it’s around noon already, minho watches you from afar as you rush to get your things while your manager fills in the other manager about the day’s schedule.

and that’s how you’ve lived the past week and a half. here and there. from one site to another. from one van to another. barely eating and resting. although you eat good portions when you do get the chance to eat. you needed to maintain your body after all.

he watches how everyone bids you farewell. he wants to as well, but the guilt of liking you more than as a friend makes him stop in his tracks. he settles to grab his pack and pack up his bag and any other things he had taken out. he makes sure his charger is there, his water bottle-

he freezes when an arm wraps around him and a body presses against his side.

“bye, min,” you say softly, “see you tomorrow at practice.”

he looks over at you, eyes slightly wide. now, up close after days of seeing you from a distance. “bye.. will you make it on time to practice?”

you think as you let him go, “i think so, i hope so.” you smile at him.

his heart churns, you still do your best to look lively despite how tired you are.

“okay, see you tomorrow,” he says.

and you go on to your next schedule.

he doesn’t get to see you at practice. the choreographer isn’t very happy about it, everyone's a little tense from his bitter mood. he even goes as far as rechecking with the manager if you’ll be performing the promotions with them. minho can’t help but imagine the pressure you have.

after about four hours of practice, you barge in. your manager trailing behind and giving both the groups manager and choreographer a rundown of the tardiness.

“i know you have things to do but when you’re in the practice room please do everything you can to do what you’re in here for,” the choreographer says gently, but everyone knows it’s passive aggressive.

you don’t look happy either, minho knows you. so after two hours of straight practice, you’re all finally given a break. you indeed did catch up, minho admires how determined you are. there’s just so many things he loves and appreciates about you.

“did recording not go well?” he asks softly as he sits next to you on the floor.

everyone is spread about, either laying on the floor or sitting.

your eyes are narrow, a sign that you’re in a bitter mood. “yeah, the other main cast kept messing up and we had to redo so many shots. me and gayoung got behind because of them, like-“

and you rant, your frustration evident. you’re tired, hungry, annoyed- of course you’re not happy. plus the choreographer’s bitter mood, you’re just not catching a break at all.

minho really can’t stay away from you. as much as he feels the conviction to keep distance due to these burning emotions, he just can’t.

“what was the scene you had to redo?”

“it’s too many of them, but the main one was where me and gayoung had to-“

“okay time’s up!” the choreographer yells out as he comes back.

“i’ll tell you later,” you say exhaustedly while getting up.

you don’t get to tell minho later. the choreographer makes you stay back two more hours to practice without the others. minho was reluctant, trying to talk to the choreographer to stay back with felix to help out but he was shut down. you reassured him that you’ll be fine.

you always are.

when you finally go back to the dorms, you’re on the verge of passing out. you like hygiene, but tonight you had no strength left in you. you don’t brush your teeth, you don’t shower. you just plop down on your bed after setting your alarm. sleep consumes you immediately, the discomfort of your skin sticky from sweat gone in an instant.

your alarm rings five hours later, your eyelids are heavy. you groan, whining into your pillow before forcefully pushing yourself off your bed. it’s 4 in the morning. you have to leave for the site at 5:30.

you rush around, grabbing your clothes before hopping into the shower. finally, you wash off last nights sweat, you brush your teeth and wash your face harshly to wake up. cold water wakes you up, but also makes you get so sleepy after you get out. still, you have a long day ahead of you.

it’s 5:20 when you finally get out your room. your backpack is bouncing off your back as you rush out to the kitchen. you stocked up in energy drinks two days ago-

“ah, minho,” you say, startled to see him at the fridge.

he perks up and closes the fridge. “i made you food… you should eat something before leaving-“

“the van will be here in,” you glance down at your watch, “8 minutes.”

“then take it and finish it in the van,” he argues, walking to the table and handing you the bowl of rice and sausage-

you stare at the plate before looking at him. “you made… octopus sausage?”

he shrugs, ignoring that you were implying how cute the act is. he could have just fried the sausage as it is but he went out of the way to make them look cute.

you smile, exhausted but touched by the action. “thanks min… i’ll see you.”

“you’re okay though?” he asks.

“huh?” you look at him confused as you shove an octopus sausage in your mouth.

while you chew, he explains, ignoring how cute you look with your mouth stuffed. “the first episode is airing today, meaning your on the final episodes of the season… you’ve been more at the site and practice room and studio than here…”

you stand up straight, looking away. “yeah i’m good… after recording is over i’ll be fully focused on our comeback…”

“y/n, you have like what, five episodes left? by the time we have our comeback you’ll still have two left… how are you fitting that?”

“i got it! i promise,” you assure before your phone rings. “ah, shit i gotta go- bye! thanks for the food!”

he sighs and watches you dash out.

weeks pass by, he sees you during the showcases. he sees how you rarely engage with anyone during behind the scenes. all he sees is a hollow shell acting in every part of life. you practiced until late at night. you're in a whole separate van. you have no life for a solid month. the exhaustion is so evident in you, everyone is worried. minho especially.

the drama is a hit. he knows so, hyunjin won’t shut up about it.

“yah, i know you like it but i think y/n is tired of hearing it,” he says annoyed.

hyunjin stops talking. he becomes guilty when you look over at minho and him from the chair where the stylist is getting you ready.

“it’s fine, min, i know the drama is good, i’m in it after all.” you joke.

minho stares at you. you’re so…. ugh he hates that he likes you. he just wants to hug you and cherish you and help you find rest in him. even when you’re in such a state you muster up jokes.

everyone sees those qualities of yours.

whenever he walks down the halls of the showcase buildings, idols and staff alike chat about you. if not you, then the drama. if not the drama, then the comeback.

he’s standing before a vending machine, waiting for the energy drink to drop, when he hears a giggle from beside.

“yah… s/n-sunbaenim looks very close with gayoung-ssi. i heard they have feelings for each other.”

“stop! i wouldn’t be surprised! at the press conference they looked so enchanted with each other!”

“plus they sat together! she wouldn’t stop accidentally touching his hand!”

the two girls squeal with excitement at the thought. minho’s brain goes blank just as the drink drops into the deposit.

“here,” he says with a brute tone as he hands you the energy drink.

“huh? oh, thanks you didn’t have to…” you trail off as he walks away.

that’s… strange. you stare at his figure before looking down at the can. minho felt different just now, but you quickly discard the worry.

minho wastes no time to check blogs when he’s in the van that takes them to the dorms. he’s tired but his curiosity is burning. indeed, after minutes of searching and looking, he finds pictures and videos that only fuel the rumor further. gayoung looks beautiful next to you. a clip of you taking out a peck of lint from her hair before a photoshoot that was done before the press conference. the way you smiled at her cheekily when she’d brush her fingers against yours when she’d go for the mic you two shared.

the way she’d chat with you and make you laugh.

when was the last time he had made you laugh?

your dynamic with her seems so much as what yours is- was with him.

and minho is reminded once more, how much potential you and gayoung have together.

🏷️ TAG LIST — @f1ln4dr3cl16mv33 @gnusihcom

©OIMITOCAT

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[steveseddie]

go for it

steddie | rating: t | cw: none | wc: 4,6k | tags: eddie and steve have a crush, they finally do something about it, the hellfire club is there whoops, first kiss, getting together

for my stficbingo: “This is a dictatorship and I’m in charge!”

click here to read on ao3

***

“You drag yourselves out of the tunnels and find what seems to be a friendly tavern in the woods,” Eddie narrates in a low voice, his eyes sweeping over everyone sitting at the Harrington dining table. They’re all at the edge of their seats, collectively holding their breath, looking suitably daunted yet excited as they brace themselves for some other twist in the story. “The innkeeper welcomes you with warm food and offers you a place to stay. She assures you that you’re safe.” 

He pauses for dramatic effect. Watches as Henderson bites his knuckles, Wheeler squeezes his eyes shut, Jeff covers his face with his hands-

“Tonight you get to rest,” he finishes with a flourish of his hand and the party sighs in relief. 

“Thank God!” Gareth says, slumping back on his chair and wiping his brow where beads of sweat started gathering during the final moments of the campaign. “I thought we wouldn’t make it.” 

“Holy shit, me too,” Sinclair agrees, shaking his head in disbelief. He’d been one bad die roll away from dying by the time they finally defeated the goblins that attacked them out of nowhere. “That was brutal!” 

“It was fucking awesome!” Henderson says with a squeaky laugh and everyone around the table heartily agrees.  

Eddie grins widely, resting his chin on one hand and doing a flourish with the other one in lieu of a bow. “Glad it pleased you, Master Nog.” 

The kid flashes him a toothy smile and then he and the rest of the party start discussing tonight’s campaign- the best moments, the ones where they thought they would all die, their predictions for what will happen next week. 

They’re so caught up in their conversation that they don’t notice when Eddie slips away from the table.

The Harrington house is easy to get lost in, bigger than any house Eddie has ever been to. Even after weeks of being friends with Steve and coming over for movie nights and pool parties, Eddie isn’t sure he’s seen all of it. He knows there’s a third garage somewhere and he’s only been to one of the three guest bedrooms and that was back on the first night he slept over. 

(Since then, he and Steve realized that they sleep better when they have company and Eddie never saw the inside of that or any of the other guest rooms again, sharing Steve’s bed with him whenever he spends the night instead.)

Eddie has been to Harrington kitchen plenty of times though, so he makes his way there easily. 

As he gets further away from his friends and their noise, Eddie’s ears pick up on the music coming from the Harrington kitchen, which further guides him in the right direction. He belatedly recognizes the song as part of the mixtape he made for Steve a couple of days ago in an attempt to improve his music taste. When he gave it to him, Steve eyed it warily (“It’s real music, Stevie, not a rabid animal, it won’t bite you!”) before shoving it into his car’s glove compartment. He didn’t bring it up since then and Eddie assumed he forgot about it. Knowing that Steve didn’t forget and he’s actually listening to it now fills Eddie’s stomach with butterflies. 

Those butterflies flutter pathetically when he finally reaches the kitchen and finds Steve doing the dishes. 

He’s standing in front of the sink, his hips moving with the music (not heavy metal but some soft rock that Eddie thought might be more Steve’s style while still being cool) and there’s a flowery apron tied around his waist which matches the rubber gloves he’s wearing. Both were a gag gift from the kids, Steve told Eddie the first time he saw him wearing them, one that actually turned out to be quite useful and now he wears them often. 

For a moment, Eddie lingers at the kitchen doorway, giving himself a few seconds to stare at Steve, filing away how he looks for later when he’s daydreaming embarrassingly domestic fantasies of a life with Steve. Then he raps his knuckles twice on the door frame to get his attention. 

(Eddie knows better than to sneak up on him now. The one time he did Steve had him pinned against a wall before Eddie could even realize what was happening. He thought it was hot more than anything, but Steve had been mortified. He spent the rest of the night apologizing and acting like a kicked puppy around him. He didn’t relax until Eddie reminded him that the first time they met, Eddie did the same thing, only he also held a broken bottle to Steve’s throat. So now they were more than even.)

Steve’s head whips around at the sound and his face lights up when he sees Eddie leaning against the door frame. 

“Hey!” Steve says, grinning like he’s delighted to see Eddie. Like he missed him, like he didn’t see him less than forty minutes ago when they all took a break to have dinner. “You finished early tonight.” 

Glancing at the clock on top of the fridge, Eddie realizes that Steve is right. “I figured they had enough for one night,” Eddie says, stepping into the kitchen and joining Steve by the sink. “Usually the brats would throw a fit, but I think they were actually glad this time.”  

“That bad?” Steve asks with a snort.

“Wheeler rolled four nat ones in a row, Steve, four!” Eddie says, dancing in and out of Steve’s space until Steve hip-checks him out of the way with a chuckle. 

“Four, huh?” 

“Mhm, the odds weren’t in their favor tonight.” 

“Well, it was nice of you to let them off the hook for once, Mr. Dungeon Master,” Steve says, crinkly eyes meeting Eddie’s momentarily before looking down at the sink and picking up another plate. 

“I’m always nice, Stevie,” Eddie says, leaning back against the counter, arms crossed over his chest.

Steve gives him a bitchy face. “Dude, I’m pretty sure I heard you threaten to chop off Dougie’s hand.” 

“That was the goblin, not me!” Eddie protests, wagging his finger in front of Steve’s face. “Who Jeff killed shortly after, so who’s the one that isn’t nice here?” 

“Right,” Steve deadpans. He takes off the rubber gloves after rinsing the last plate and picks up a dish towel to start drying. “You can always get your revenge next week I guess.” 

“Oh I will, Stevie. I will,” he says, grinning manically. Oh the things he has planned. Eddie hops on top of the counter, right next to where Steve stands as he dries plates and glasses and everything else he used to make the most delicious lasagna for the party. His feet dangle from the counter and he lightly nudges Steve with one. “Hey, thanks for letting us play here. And for dinner.”

“You know you don’t have to thank me every time, right Eds?” Steve says with an exaggerated sigh, but his annoyance is downplayed by his playful smile. The lopsided one that makes Eddie want to kiss him stupid. 

After Spring Break, Principal Higgins was quick to shut down Hellfire once and for all, leaving the party with no place to hold their campaigns. Eddie wasn’t surprised but like everyone else, he was pretty fucking bummed about it. No one in their party had enough space at their house to host their campaigns, and the only two that did, Wheeler and Sinclair, failed to convince their parents to let them use their basement for their alleged satanic cult gatherings. 

But just when they thought their club was done for, Steve swooped in like the knight in shining armor that he is and offered up his house, which is why for the last couple of weeks they’ve been gathering at the Harrington residence where Steve not only hosts their campaigns and puts up with the noise and the mess they leave behind, but he also cooks or buys them dinner every week and makes sure to stock up his fridge with each of their favorite drinks, even indulging in Gareth’s weird obsession with Bubble Up soda because he is unreal and the nicest fucking guy Eddie knows. 

So Eddie can’t not thank him every time. Contrary to what people might believe, he has manners. He also likes the pretty pink flush that covers Steve’s cheeks whenever he does it.

“Hm, I think I do,” he says, nudging Steve’s leg again. “Hellfire would be over if it wasn’t for you, sweetheart.” 

“And what a tragedy that would be,” Steve jokes but aha! There it is- that pretty pink blush. 

“Hey! I know for a fact that you don’t hate it as much as you pretend to,” Eddie says, shaking his finger in a reproachful manner. “You sat through the whole session last time and didn’t even yawn once!” 

Last week, Dustin begged and pleaded so that Steve would sit and watch their campaign instead of retreating to the kitchen or his bedroom. Steve held his ground admirably until Eddie joined in on Dustin’s pleas, batting his eyelashes and pouting exaggeratedly until he caved, sighing in defeat and sitting down next to Eddie. He didn’t expect Steve to make it through the whole thing, but he did and while he did look a little confused at times and complained that there was way too much math involved, he also seemed to actually enjoy himself. 

Steve shifts from one foot to the other and bites his lip. “Yeah, I guess, but that’s because I was watching you the whole time,” he shyly says.

Eddie blinks. “Me?” He remembers Steve’s eyes on him while he led the campaign, but he didn’t think much of it then. But now Steve’s shy admission that he enjoyed himself because he was watching Eddie makes his heart stutter in his chest. 

Flushing deeper, Steve keeps his eyes on the glass that he’s drying, not meeting Eddie’s gaze as he says, “Yeah, you, uh. You’re very good at doing those voices and you know, drawing people into your stories. It’s, um, fascinating.” 

Fascinating. No one’s ever used that word to describe Eddie before. He can’t help the way his breath catches when Steve Harrington of all people calls him that. 

“Oh. Well, thanks,” he stammers out, feeling his own cheeks match Steve’s flush. “And here I thought you were going to say I’m just pretty to look at,” he adds with a slightly shaky laugh.

And that’s what he expects Steve to do- laugh it off. Instead, he finally meets Eddie’s eyes and says, “Well, that too.” 

Eddie’s jaw drops. Holy shit. 

Steve does laugh then but not because it was a joke. He laughs at Eddie’s reaction which consists of him gaping like a fish because Steve Harrington just called him fascinating and pretty. 

And it’s not that Steve hasn’t given him compliments before or hasn’t flirted with him before. He plays along most of the time- sometimes with a playful smirk and sometimes with that baffled puppy look that Eddie saw for the first time after calling him “big boy”.

The thing is he’s never flirted like this- shyly, without a hint of a joke. And it’s- 

Well, it’s a lot. 

But if Eddie learned anything after Spring Break is to roll with whatever the universe throws at him, which in this case isn’t an army of hell bats or an apocalypse, but Steve Harrington finally, maybe, possibly making a move. Something that Eddie has been waiting for after weeks of the two of them dancing around each other. 

He couldn’t see it at first, or rather he refused to, afraid to get his hopes up only for his heart to break when he turned out to be wrong. But there are things that not even his cynical eyes can ignore. The way Steve gravitates towards Eddie in any group setting or the way Eddie catches him staring when he thinks he isn’t looking like last week when they went swimming at the quarry and Eddie took off his shirt or like two weeks ago when Eddie tied his hair up to keep it off his face while he played his guitar. Or the way Steve’s eyes seem to dart to Eddie’s lips constantly when he talks and the way he can’t go more than a day without seeing him before he’s knocking on Eddie’s door to spend time with him.

It would be slightly easier to ignore all of this if it wasn’t for the fact that Eddie acts the same way when it comes to Steve. And Eddie is halfway in love with the guy, so. It makes him wonder. 

But despite all of this, Eddie still hasn’t made a move. Steve either. Until now maybe. 

Eddie clears his throat, finally finding his words. “Well, as entertaining as it must’ve been to watch me.” He grins. “You’ll have more fun if you actually play with us. Maybe next time I can finally convince you to join.”

Hazel eyes narrow at him. “If I play, will you threaten to cut off my hand too?”  

“Nah, I promise to go easy on you since it’s your first time.” He winks and Steve’s eyes widen, the blush from before making a wonderful return. 

“I- I haven’t said yes-”

“Yet.” 

Steve huffs. “What makes you so sure that you can convince me?” He asks with an arched eyebrow. “The kids have tried and failed and you know how relentless they are.”

“Yeah, but I can be very persuasive.” He gestures at himself with a hand flourish. “You know, as a cult leader and all.”

Steve hums. “Of course.” He leans his hip against the counter, only an inch away from Eddie’s thigh.

“There’s gotta be something I can do to convince you,” Eddie says, moving his thigh until it touches Steve’s hip. “Something I can give you in exchange. To make it worth your while.”

Steve’s eyes immediately dart down to Eddie’s lips. Eddie’s stomach swoops. There it is.

“You’re right,” Steve says, and in one quick movement, he pushes himself away from the counter and moves to stand between Eddie’s legs. Holy fuck. “There’s one thing.”

Anticipation bubbles up in Eddie’s stomach. “Yeah? What- what is it?” He asks with a suddenly dry throat. 

Steve ducks his head, glancing at Eddie through his eyelashes. “A kiss from the Dungeon Master?” He asks in a shy whisper. 

Eddie stares at him for a second, lips parted in surprise because goddamn shitting fuck. Then-

“Not the goblin?” He asks in his stupid goblin voice. Like a fucking loser.

As soon as he blurts it out he slaps a hand against his face. “Fucking Christ, I can’t believe I just did that. That was so lame. I’m just fucking nervous, sorry.” 

Steve wraps his fingers around Eddie’s wrist, lowering his hand. His eyes are sparkling with fondness. “Don’t be, it’s cute,” he says with a soft chuckle. 

A nearly hysterical giggle bubbles up in Eddie’s throat but it abruptly cuts off when Steve places his hands on Eddie’s thigh and leans in. 

“Eddie.”

“Yeah?” 

“Are you gonna give me that kiss or what?” Steve asks oh so sweetly.

And Eddie doesn’t waste a moment after that, he finally goes for it. He cups Steve’s cheeks and tugs his face closer, pressing their mouths together, feeling his chest explode with warmth as he thinks finally and pinch me and holy fucking shit. 

The kiss is sweet and slow. It starts a little tentative, just lips slotting together, Steve’s bottom lip fitting perfectly between Eddie’s. But then something shifts- Steve’s hands settle on Eddie’s waist, his thumbs digging into his hip bones while Eddie’s fingers find their way to Steve’s hair, scratching at his scalp, tangling with the soft strands, tugging on them. The last one makes Steve’s mouth fall open in a gasp, just enough for Eddie to press in, catching Steve’s lower lip between his teeth and biting down hard enough to earn himself a small whine. Then he lets it go, easing his tongue across Steve’s lip and licking into his mouth. 

He loses track of anything else that happens when Steve’s own tongue licks into his mouth in return. 

After a while the kiss softens again, turning into something slow and tender until it comes to a natural stop, once they can’t ignore the need to breathe anymore. 

Steve pulls back but Eddie doesn’t let him go far, keeping a firm hold on the lapels of his dorky polo shirt. “Definitely worth my while but-” 

Eddie cocks an eyebrow. “But?” 

“But,” Steve says, his red, wet, well-kissed lips stretching into a wicked grin. “I think I’m gonna need more convincing.”

Eddie grins back. “Oh, I think that can be arranged.”

He tugs Steve closer again and he comes willingly, sighing happily when their lips slot together once more. God, Eddie is so fucked. They’ve kissed once and he’s already addicted to kissing Steve. He’s convinced that he could stay like this forever, lazily making out with him on his kitchen counter, tongues exploring, hands wandering.

And he probably would’ve- if a shrill voice didn’t make them jump apart. 

“What the hell is going on here!” Dustin yells.

Steve whirls around so fast he almost faceplants on his kitchen floor and Eddie jumps back and hits his head against one of the upper cupboards.

He lets out a string of creative curses as he rubs the back of his head, seeing black spots when he opens his eyes. Despite those, he can still see the whole party standing in the kitchen doorway, staring at them with expressions ranging from utter shock (Sinclair and Henderson) to disgust (Wheeler) to smugness (Jeff, Gareth, Dougie, and weirdly enough, Erica). 

“Uh,” Steve says dumbly as he tries to find his words, but there’s no lying their way out of this one and they both know it. They were just caught with their tongues down each other’s throats and Eddie’s hands on Steve’s ass. 

“Well?” Dustin prompts in a bitchy tone.

“I was, uh, convincing Steve to join D&D next week,” Eddie says, which is, technically, the truth. 

Gareth snorts, raising an eyebrow. “With your tongue?” 

Eddie gives a gleeful laugh. “As a matter of fact, yes.” 

“Eddie,” Steve hisses, flushing to the tips of his ears. 

“That’s gross!” Wheeler cries, his face scrunching up which is rich coming from him, Eddie thinks, considering he saw him sucking face with El more times than he would’ve liked in the short time she was in Hawkins after everything. So he knows Wheeler has nothing against kissing and it makes him wonder if he might have something against Eddie kissing a boy, or boys kissing boys in general and Eddie loves the kid, he loves all of them but he will sit him down for some tough love if he happens to not be okay with-

There’s a slapping sound as Erica smacks him upside the head.

“Ouch!”

“Not cool, butthead,” she says, crossing her arms over her chest and glaring at Wheeler. “Boys can kiss boys too.”

The corner of Eddie’s mouth tugs up in a smile. Just like that, she’s currently his favorite. 

“What?” Wheeler asks, rubbing the back of his head. “I know that. I don’t care that Eddie wants to kiss guys, I care that he wants to kiss Steve!”

“Hey!” Steve protests with an affronted frown.  

“Eddie is cool and Steve is so lame! And he’s my sister’s ex!” He says with extra snark. 

Eddie can’t help it, he bursts out laughing. Steve’s head snaps in his direction, his offended expression now directed at him. “Sorry, sorry,” he says between giggles. He clears his throat and gives Wheeler a stern face. It’s a much different scolding than the one he thought he would be giving him just a few moments ago and he’s grateful for that. “Steve isn’t lame. Yes, his music taste is shit and he owns more polo shirts than an 80-year-old-” 

“Dude, are you defending me or helping Mike insult me?” Steve mumbles with a pout. 

“But!” Eddie says, ignoring him. “He’s also badass and he’s saved your sorry asses multiple times and he’s nice enough to let you pipsqueaks eat his food and trash his house every week and he’s hot as fuck, so. Show some respect, Wheeler.”

Mike’s face scrunches up. “What does Steve being hot have to do with anything? Ew!”

But before Eddie can reply to that, Dustin takes a step forward, looking between the two. “So this is a thing now? Are you guys a thing?” He asks, narrowing his eyes at them.

Steve and Eddie exchange a look, both of them trying to communicate the same thing- do you want to be a thing? Steve gives him a sheepish smile and a nod, and in response, Eddie wraps his arms and legs around him, essentially hanging off of Steve’s back like a koala and trapping him against the counter. “Yes, Henderson. We are, as you so eloquently put it, a thing.”

Eddie expects more outrage, but Dustin nods solemnly. “Okay, cool. Just- no flirting at the D&D table. And no kissing!” There are nods and noises of agreement from the rest of the party. 

Eddie lets out an indignant squeak. “Excuse me, this is a dictatorship and I’m in charge! And the Dungeon Master decides that there will be kissing, butthead,” he announces, and then to prove a point, he smacks a sloppy kiss against Steve’s cheek. 

There’s a lot of groaning and whining and fake-gagging. 

“Dude, it’s like watching my parents kiss,” Sinclair says and Henderson nods, rubbing at his eyes like it physically hurt him to see Eddie kiss Steve. 

Eddie rolls his eyes- and they call him dramatic.

“Fine, fine, no kissing,” he says and sees Steve pout out of the corner of his eye. “But I won’t be deprived of the joy of flirting with one Sir Stephen.” 

Steve leans back against Eddie’s chest, twisting his neck to arch an eyebrow at him. “Sir Stephen?”  

“I’ve been working on your character sheet for weeks,” Eddie says with a grin. And it’s true, he had the feeling that he would be able to convince Steve to play and he wanted to be ready. If he’d known a kiss was all it took to do it, he would’ve done it much sooner. 

“That’s presumptuous of you,” Steve mumbles, but there’s a smile teasing at his lips. Eddie shrugs, nuzzling his face against Steve’s shoulder. 

“Fine!” Dustin groans, reminding Eddie that he and Steve aren’t alone. “As long as you stay in character.” 

Eddie grins wickedly, already looking forward to flirting with Steve through all his characters, even the goblin. 

“Anyway,” Jeff says, clapping his hands on Dustin’s shoulders. “We were on our way out. We would offer to take the kiddos home, but Dougie’s piece of shit car won’t fit them all.” Dougie protests with a “Hey!” that they all ignore. 

Usually, Eddie doesn’t mind driving the kids around, but right now, a part of him does wish that he could stay a little longer with Steve. The other part can’t wait to get home so he can scream into a pillow. 

“Nah, I got it. Gentleman, lady, grab your things, we’ll head out in a second,” he says, making shooing motions with his hands. 

Sinclair rolls his eyes. “He just wants more time to make out with Steve,” he mutters as they all start to pile out of the kitchen. 

“Correct, Sinclair!”

He and Wheeler make gagging noises, earning a shove from Erica as she follows them. Yeah, she’s definitely his favorite. 

Henderson lingers on the doorway. 

“Any other rules you wish to impose on us, Master Nog?” Eddie asks, raising an eyebrow. 

Dustin shakes his head, curls bouncing. “No, I’m just- I’m happy for you. Both of you.”

Eddie blinks. “Oh,” he exhales softly, touched by the kid’s words. 

“Thanks, Henderson,” Steve says, and he sounds touched too. 

“Yeah, thanks, kid.” 

“And I love you both, but if you get divorced, I will pick sides.” And with one final narrow-eyed look, he turns on his heels and leaves.

“Which side?” Eddie asks, but the little shit pretends he doesn’t hear him. “Henderson! Which side?” His shoulders slump. “Brat.”

“Too bad we’re never gonna find out,” Steve says, turning around to face Eddie without dislodging his arms or legs that are still wrapped around him.

Eddie’s heart stutters in his chest. “Never? That’s presumptuous of you,” he says, echoing his words from before. 

Steve shrugs. “I just know I don’t plan to break up with you- or divorce you like the kid said.” 

Oh yeah, Eddie definitely needs a pillow to scream into right about now. “Um, yeah, me neither, so I guess we’re stuck together.”

Steve nods with a dopey smile. “And we’ll never know who Dustin would’ve picked.” 

There’s a short silence. 

Then, “He would’ve picked me,” they both say at the same time. 

Steve squawks. “Me!”

“No, me!” 

“I’ve known him longer!”

“He thinks I’m cooler!” 

And so on until Eddie gets tired of arguing and shuts Steve up with a kiss. Before they can deepen it though, they’re once again interrupted by the kids. 

“Eddie!” Dustin yells. 

“Stop sucking face and let’s go!” Wheeler adds and Eddie can’t see him, but he knows his nose is scrunched up in disgust. 

“We’re gonna be late!” Sinclair adds, urgently, and Erica mhm’s in agreement. 

Eddie throws his head back with a groan. “Jesus H. Christ! They’re so annoying.” 

“They are,” Steve chuckles, brushing their noses together. “Hey, you wanna come over tomorrow? We can work on that character thing together. Just you and me.” 

Eddie’s eyes widen, lips parted in awe. Steve and D&D? There must be hearts in his eyes right now or bursting out of him like he’s a cartoon. “You’re offering to do nerdy shit with me? God, you’re a dream, Jesus Christ!” He says, hands coming up to cup either side of Steve’s face and peppering kisses all over it- his cheeks, his nose, his forehead, and finally, his lips. 

Steve giggles. “So, that’s a yes?” 

“I’ll be here,” Eddie says with a grin. 

Steve wraps his arms around his neck. “And since the kids won’t be there I expect there to be kissing and flirting.”

Eddie inches closer, smirking. “Hm, you can count on it, sweetheart.” 

This time they don’t even get to kiss before the kids are yelling again, this time in unison. “Eddie!”

Eddie lets go of Steve’s waist and slaps his hands against his face. “Motherfucker!” He groans. Then louder, “I’m coming!” 

Steve shakes his head with a laugh as Eddie hops down from the counter.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Eddie tells him. 

Steve gives him another dopey smile- or rather the same one since it hasn’t left his face at all. “Can’t wait.”

Eddie sweeps in for a quick kiss, one that the kids can’t interrupt, marveling for a second at the fact that he can simply do that now. Then with a final tug to Steve’s flowery apron, he skips out of the kitchen, turning around at the doorway to look at Steve one last time. He’s leaning against the counter, smile firmly plastered on his face and looking at Eddie like- 

Well, exactly like Eddie is looking at him. Lovestruck, he thinks comes close to describing it. And ain’t that something. 

He gives Eddie one of those little finger waves, and in return, Eddie blows him a kiss. Steve’s cheeks turning pink is the last thing he sees before he leaves the kitchen and joins the kids in the living room. 

“Okay, shitheads!” He says, clapping his hands together to get their attention. “Which one of you am I sending home walking?”

[snowballseal]

Cauterize

Rafayel X Reader (LaDS)

Summary: An outdoor date gone wrong leads to Rafayel needing to find a way to save your life. The only solution - he has to use his evol to stop you from bleeding out.

Word Count: 2591

Warning: mentions of blood, injury, violence, Rafayel uses his fire evol to cauterize your wound. Don't know why my brain needed so desperately to write this...not going to think to hard about that honestly.

It's a whole lot of angst with a comforting ending.

---

It was meant to be a fun adventure.

That was all. Rafayel had admitted he hasn’t had many chances to explore the mountains around Linkon, always too busy with up-coming exhibits or commissions. You, of course, couldn’t let that stand.

So you did what any partner would do. Plan a picnic at your favorite hiking spot. You found it while you were still training for the Association, driven outside by the stress of your studies. When you stumbled upon the little lake, it became your safe place, your sanctuary from the chaos of life.

It was a perfect plan. You made the lunch, packed plenty of water, you even convinced Thomas to push everything off for a day so that Rafayel wouldn’t have to think about any of it.

It was perfect.

But little seems to stay perfect in your life.

“Watch out!”

Rafayel ducks just in time to avoid the energy blast from the wanderer. You raise your twin pistols, getting a few shots in before it darts into the trees. Heart racing, you dart over to the artist, your eyes tracking the rustling leaves as it moves around you.

“You okay?” You ask, voice tense.

“All good, cutie,” Rafayel huffs, brushing off his pants as he gets back on his feet. With a flourish of his hand, a dagger appears, glinting in the dappled light coming through the trees. “Let’s finish this quickly so we can still enjoy our picnic, yah?”

With a terse nod, you focus back on the eerie growl rumbling through the trees. Both you and Rafayel brace yourselves. Everything goes absolutely still for a mere moment.

Then the wanderer lunges.

The two of you fight with a practiced harmony, taking turns attacking, defending, moving in tandem like a dance between the trees. The leaves rustle under your boots. Your guns warm against your palms. The sound of Rafayel’s fire crackling in the air, followed by a pained roar from wanderer.

You get so caught up in the pace of it, in the instincts driving your muscles, pulling the triggers, spinning you round and round and round as the wanderer tries to evade you in the trees. You don’t notice the rock. A small rock. A rock that shouldn’t have mattered.

Except you step on it just right to have your ankle twist and give out under you.

Except it gives the wanderer just the right opening to take one last, desperate shot.

You can hear the energy sizzling through the air. You can see it, almost in slow motion. Yet you don’t have time to think before you feel the pain searing through your body. The blast slams you back into a tree, your body hitting the bark with a harsh ‘crack’.

And you crumble.

“(Y/n)!”

Everything freezes. Blood. So much blood. The dark vermillion stains the fallen leaves littered around you. And you’re not moving. Rafayel feels stuck, eyes wide, panic curling like a noose around his lungs, so tight he can’t breathe.

Please. Please. Please.

It feels like an eternity before you let out a low, pained groan.

The tiniest flicker of relief sparks in Rafayel’s chest. It lasts only a moment, though, because you don’t get up. The sight of you lying there, stark pain tightening your features, makes all the blood in his veins freeze over, an icy cold washing over his senses.

It’s not slow or drawn out. In an instant, all emotion slips from the Lemurian’s face, leaving nothing but an apathetic god, eyes smoldering with a vicious kind of anger. An anger that would burn the world down if it meant keeping you safe.

It happens in the blink of an eye. A mere flick of his wrist. The wanderer howls as flames consume it, burning it and its protocore to mere ash to be carried away by the breeze. Not even a single leaf is left singed in its place.

And Rafayel is at your side before the ash can even dissipate.

“(Y/n)? Hey, come on, open your eyes for me, cutie.”

You let out a low whimper, bleary eyes barely opening to meet his concerned gaze. Well, what you assume is his concerned gaze. It’s hard to make out, everything blurring before you, your head spinning. It makes you feel sick, and all you want to do is close your eyes again, to escape all of this. But you can feel his warmth, feel his fingers insistently pressing against your cheek, anchoring you, giving you something to focus on besides the pain searing up your side.

Rafayel mutters a curse. You’ve already lost a lot of blood. He takes a quick survey of your wound, a wide gash along your side. It wouldn’t be life threatening. As long as he could stop the bleeding.

Another curse passes his lips. Rafayel turns desperately back to your face, cupping both your cheeks with steady hands despite the panic digging into his chest. His heart squeezes at the pained whimper you let out.

“Hey, shhh, it’s okay, it’s okay.” His voice, another anchor. You focus on his low timber, his words reaching you as if through a thick fog. Still, you try to understand him, eyes set on his lips. “We just need to stop the bleeding, then you’ll be okay. I’ll call the emergency line after. We just need to stop the bleeding.”

But how? Rafayel racks his brain, trying to think of something, anything that might help. He can’t fail you, not when you’re looking up at him like all you care about is him being there. Not that you’re hurt. Not that you could be dying. His eyes flicker briefly to the side.

They catch on a tree, the bark burnt from one of his attacks.

Rafayel pauses.

What a horrible idea. And yet-

Those ocean eyes flicker back to you, pained. You stare back at him, brow knitting together, chest heaving, a question on your bloody lips.

“I’m sorry.”

Rafayel holds a hand to your wound. And then you’re screaming. Eyes clenching shut, your body nearly lurches off the ground as a new pain sears through you, hot and sharp like a blade digging into your flesh. Tears race down your cheeks as you try to draw away from it, away from him, but Rafayel presses his other hand to your shoulder, pinning you to the ground. 

You let out a shaky sob, fingers wrapping desperately around his wrist, and Rafayel almost breaks, almost stops. The smell of burning flesh is not an unfamiliar scent to him, but knowing it’s you, knowing he’s causing you pain, makes him feel sick to his stomach.

He leans over you, as if he can somehow shield you from the pain, forehead pressing against yours. You let out a soft keen and his lips trace across your cheeks, whispering between kisses “I’m sorry, please hold on just a little longer, my love. I know it hurts, just a little longer. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

It takes what feels like an infinity, but as soon as the blood stops, Rafayel snatches his hand away, his fire disappearing. You all but sag against him as the pain finally dwindles, more tears pooling along your lashes, sweat clinging to your forehead.

“All done,” Rafayel murmurs, voice unsteady, hands returning to hold your face. “All done, I promise. You’ll be okay. The emergency responders are coming. God…-”

He sounds close to tears himself. 

You let out a trembling breath, giving his wrist a soft squeeze, “S’okay, Raf…I’m…’kay…”

But everything is fading again. The shock. The pain. The adrenaline. You try to keep your eyes open, try to fight the sudden exhaustion that weighs down your eyelids. Rafayel’s lips quirk into a false smile, smoothing his now trembling fingers over your brow.

“Get some rest. Your body needs it right now.”

“But-” You try to argue, but your mouth feels like it’s full of cotton.

“I’ll keep you safe until they arrive, so rest. Please.” He says the last word so softly, so pleadingly, that you can’t help but give in. Not that you could put up much of a fight anyways.

You keep your eyes locked on Rafayel until the darkness slowly pulls you under.

Your fingers never once leave his wrist.

---

The next thing you hear is the quiet beeping of a heart monitor.

It’s an odd feeling, waking up in an unfamiliar room, most of your body numb from a plethora of painkillers. Your eyes slide open groggily, taking in the white ceiling above you, the gray walls around you, the sleeping Lemurian curled over the edge of your bed, fingers wrapped tightly around your own, as though you might disappear if he lets go. A slight smile pulls at your mouth.

Silly fish...Even in his sleep, he carries the weight of his emotions so clearly. Brows furrowed, lips pursed in a deep scowl, eyelashes fluttering from uneasy sleep. A soft, fond sigh passes your lips, and you slowly reach your free hand to brush a rogue curl from his face.

The moment your fingertips brush his skin, though, Rafayel is awake. He jolts up like he’s been electrocuted, eyes wide, darting everywhere with a panicked urgency. Until they land on you. You blink at him, hand lingering in the air between you. Waiting. You can almost see his brain processing, the colors in his eyes flashing like little buffer signs. Until he realizes you’re awake, actually awake, and it’s like watching a drowning man finally fill his lungs. Then he’s surging back in like a raging ocean wave, fizzling into soft foam as he nuzzles into your palm.

“You’re awake.” His voice is rough and low, thick with disbelief.

“I am,” you rasp and rub your thumb lovingly over his cheek.

Rafayel shudders. He missed this. Your touch. Your warmth. You were so cold when you were sleeping, too cold. But now you’re warm again, so warm. He wants to bury himself in you, to be enveloped by your touch. He needs it. He desperately, desperately needs it.

And yet he holds back.

Because he can’t forget it. 

The sound of your scream still echoes in his ears. It’s like a chain around his body, keeping him locked in place, unable to do anything except nuzzle his face into your hand. It’s like having a pup cowering before you, begging for a scrap of affection but too scared to come closer.

And of course you notice.

“What’s wrong?” You press, fingers drifting down to hold his chin. Your eyes narrow with that look, unrelenting and calculating as they scan his face.

Rafayel flushes under the intensity of your attention. Seems not even a major injury dulls your sharp senses. And he knows there’s no use trying to hide it from you.

“How are you feeling?” But that doesn’t mean he can’t try to evade your question.

“I’m fine. Whatever drugs they have me on are working,” you hum, eyes narrowing further, “Now tell me what’s wrong, Rafayel.”

His eyes look anywhere but at you. Your grip on his chin grows firmer, forcing him to meet your gaze. And it’s awful. Here you are, laying in a hospital bed, dressed in a flimsy hospital gown, worrying over him. How pathetic…

“I’m sorry.”

You frown, “What for, fishie?”

Rafayel’s throat bobs. Wetting his lips nervously, his voice cracks as he whispers, “I’m sorry for putting you through that. I just- I didn’t know what to do and you were bleeding so much. I thought I was going to lose you.”

Oh. Your heart nearly fractures at how broken he sounds, the distress painted across his pale face. He blames himself. For either you getting hurt, or how he had to save you. Maybe both.

What a silly, silly fish…

Expression softening, your fingers return to tracing his cheek. Rafayel quivers under the tenderness of your touch, long lashes fluttering against your fingertips. He soaks up every ounce of your affection despite feeling wholly undeserving of it. His own fingers press desperately into the bed, resisting the urge to reach out, to touch you, to make up for the pain he caused. And that only breaks your heart more.

 “Rafayel, you did nothing wrong,” you murmur eventually, disrupting the heavy silence in the room.

“But-”

“No,” you insist firmly, voice not unkind, but leaving no room for argument, “You saved me. I’d probably be dead if you hadn’t done what you did. I wish you didn’t have to experience that, but you made the right choice. You saved me.”

He hesitates. Rafayel wants to believe you. You would never lie to him, afterall. Not about this. But still-

“Rafayel,” you call, brow perking up, “if you don’t come here, right now, and give me, the living person in front of you, a kiss, then I’ll be mad. I’ve been through a lot today, don’t make me go without my fishie, too.”

That’s all it takes to weaken what little resolve he has left. Rafayel’s lips meet yours in a starving show of affection, those trembling fingers finding your face as if to anchor himself. Every thought, every breath of yours belongs to him in that moment, his body leaning over you, his teeth tugging gently on your bottom lip, his fingers curling possessively through your messy hair. Still drowning. Still aching to breathe you in as if you’re the air his lungs so desperately need.

Yet it’s all impossibly tender.

Restrained in a way you’ve never experienced from Rafayel. And that alone is enough to make your heart melt. How could you possibly love this man so much?

When he draws away, forehead resting gingerly against yours, there’s a smile on your reddened lips.

“If I didn’t know better, I’d say you want to eat me alive with a kiss like that,” you tease, a little breathless, your eyes practically sparkling up at him. “Are you holding back because I’m injured, fishie?”

His ears go bright pink, embarrassment tinging his cheeks, and your smile only grows. Maybe it’s the drugs making you a little bolder, but you can’t help but reach out and swipe a teasing finger under his lips. Rafayel’s eyes narrow at you, bleeding into something dark that makes your chest flutter.

“Guess you’ll have to be patient, huh?” You don’t relent for even a second, though. It’s a good distraction, from both the minor discomfort starting in your side, and the blame he’s trying to carry. “Do you think you can handle it, fishie? I know how hard waiting is for you.”

“You know, when I gave you permission to call me that, I never thought you would use it so condescendingly.” That adorable pout returns, only making his flushed face look even cuter. 

“Oh, I’m just teasing you,” you hum, tone softening with unadulterated fondness as you reach up to fuss with his curls. “But, okay, I won’t use it like that if you don’t want me to. You know I love you, my sweet, little fish.”

Your words are accompanied by a chaste kiss that has Rafayel weakening again. He lets out a little huff, eyes fluttering shut as he basks in your touch once more. This is what he needed. You. Just you. And now that he knows you don’t hate him for what he did, he can focus on one thing.

Making sure you recover and reminding you just how much he cherishes you. And never letting something like this happen ever again.

---

I literally have no idea where this came from. I just got the thought, and I couldn't NOT write it. I love writing fluff, but man, angst just hits different.

Hope y'all enjoyed it! Keep sending in requests, I promise I'm working on those too!

[cinnamon-galaxies]

𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫 𝐯𝐬. 𝐂𝐡𝐢𝐯𝐚𝐥𝐫𝐲 - 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐔𝐦𝐛𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐚

(Alastor x f!reader drabble)

Masterpost | Part One | Part Two | Part Three (by @frostedclock-writes) | Part Five | Masterlist | AO3

Due to my ongoing interactions with @frostedclock-writes, we've decided to transform this fun little series into a collaborative project. Some drabbles will be written by me, while others will be created by her. Each drabble builds on the others but can also be read independently. However, we suggest reading all of them to better understand references to previous events. CW: acid rain bruises

•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

   Your arm is linked with Alastor’s as you both stroll through Pentagram City. In his eyes, you’re on the right side of the street, safely away from the cars and any potential danger – because why should you be able to protect yourself from cars? You roll your eyes, recalling your latest argument. You’ve chosen to tolerate his insistence for the sake of your friendship – not because you gave in to his unbearable persistence.

   The sky is shrouded in thick clouds, completely obscuring the red sky and giving the afternoon a dusk-like appearance. As always, you and Alastor find yourselves wrapped up in a pleasant conversation, momentarily forgetting the ongoing competition for the title of ‘most chivalrous friend’ – or whatever that peculiar dynamic between you and him is.

   Suddenly, a growl echoes in the distance, and a surprisingly chilly wind for Hell’s standards announces an impending downpour. You let out a sigh and tilt your head back to glance at the heavy clouds, bracing yourself for yet another discussion as you pull the umbrella from your purse. You don’t even open it yet, but you can already feel Alastor’s glare – somewhere between curiosity about your next move and a disapproving anticipation, as if he already knows what you’re about to do. Ignoring him, you reach to open the umbrella and casually hold it over both of you as you continue your walk. The rain hasn’t started pouring yet, but you’d rather shield yourself before the first drops of acid burn your scalp.

   “My dear,” Alastor interrupts the silence, “I’d be more than happy to hold the umbrella for you.”

   You turn your head to look at him. “Thanks, Alastor, but you don’t need to,” you reply casually, brushing aside the quick flash of offense in his gaze as it vanishes just as fast. He raises an eyebrow, and a deep sigh escapes his lips.

   “Oh, darling, wouldn’t it be more reasonable for me to take it? I’m the taller one, after all,” he explains, though you suspect there’s more behind his intention than just the fact that you’re a whole foot shorter than him.

   You laugh. “Don’t worry, I can do it, see?” You raise your arm a little higher than necessary to prove your point, though the posture is as uncomfortable as it looks. Still, you brush it off with a smile, feigning nonchalance.

   Alastor raises an eyebrow, one of his ears twitching in irritation, but it’s so subtle you wouldn’t have noticed if you weren’t completely focused on him. “Please, just let me hold the umbrella.”

   “Why?” you retort, taking a deep breath. “Is it about courtesy again?”

   “It’s inappropriate for a man not to hold the umbrella when walking beside a woman,” he explains, his expression unwavering. Even though his voice carries a hint of irritation, it still drips with arrogance and his typical charm. 

   So, it really is about Courtesy again. Of course… you think, biting your lip to withhold a snarky comment. Then, suddenly, Alastor stops walking, and you follow suit.

   You groan, turning to face him, annoyance palpable in your expression. “Come on, Alastor. It’s not that deep.”

   “It is,” he quickly retorts, and you could swear he lifts his chin just a little higher, trying to look even more stoic.

   You take a deep breath, savoring the smell of the impending rain, and glance at him for a brief moment. “Alastor,” you say firmly, “I’m not handing you this umbrella.”

   His grin widens. “Well, in that case, I’ll just walk a few feet away so no one thinks I’m the kind of man who lets a lady carry the umbrella for me.” He steps aside, putting at least twelve feet between you.

   You blink, irritated by his pettiness. “Are you serious right now?”

   “I am,” he says, his tone unwavering.

   You blink again, starting to wonder if you're dealing with the Radio Demon or an immature child. “You're impossible, you know that?”

   “I’m well aware,” he replies, “but I’d rather let my skin burn than be seen as impolite in public.”

   A heavy silence hangs between you until you shrug. “Okay.” You turn to continue your walk just as the first drops of rain hit the umbrella with a soft, warning plop. Glancing back at Alastor, you’re curious if he’ll actually stick to his stubborn resolve. Steam starts to rise from his head as the acid rain makes contact with his hair, but he remains in place, not moving an inch, but his grin strained, and the subtle twitch of his eye betrays him. Despite his best efforts to appear unfazed, you can see the discomfort starting to seep through his facade. It’s obvious it hurts, not only testing his pain tolerance but also marring his appearance.

   You watch him in silence, concerned but saying nothing, waiting for him to give in like a mother silently making a point with her stubborn child.

   A minute passes with no words exchanged, the acid drops already burning tiny holes in his suit.

   Another minute passes, and the twitch of Alastor’s eye intensifies. His chest heaves as he battles the growing discomfort and the sting of the acid rain burning his skin. At last, he takes a deep breath, his resolve wavering, and finally, he breaks the silence, “Fine. But don’t think for a second you have the upper hand.”

   “I wouldn’t dream of it,” you reply, your voice dripping with sarcasm. You lift the umbrella higher, making room for Alastor to step under it. Your eyes scan him from head to toe—his skin is slightly red and irritated, and his once-pristine coat is now riddled with tiny holes. But instead of mentioning it, you keep quiet, simply linking your arm with his as you both continue walking. It’s clear, however, that Alastor is anything but relaxed.

•~•~•

   “My dear, could you please keep the umbrella up?” Alastor breaks the silence. You’ve been walking side by side for a few minutes, both lost in thought as the rain pours around you, drenching the streets with its dangerous moisture. Your arm has started to weaken; the uncomfortable posture strains your muscles as you force yourself to hold the umbrella high enough to shield Alastor’s much taller form. Unsuccessfully, it seems, since you’ve been repeatedly poking his head with the spokes, tangling them in his hair, or scratching the side of his face.

   “Huh?” you retort, pulled from your thoughts. You glance at Alastor, noticing a pointy tip dangerously close to his face. “Oh, I’m sorry.” You raise your arm higher again, the burn in your muscles intensifying.

   “You know, you could just hand me the umbrella. Then you wouldn’t have to worry about gouging out my eyes,” he suggests, already reaching out his hand to take the umbrella from your grasp, but you snatch it away.

   “I am not handing you the umbrella, Alastor,” you repeat stubbornly, glaring up at him from the corner of your eye before returning your gaze to the sidewalk.

   “Why can’t you just accept my courtesy? You’re clearly struggling to keep your arm up,” he points out.

   “I’m not.”

   “Yes, you are.” He stops again, interrupting your walk for a second time. His arm slips from yours as he turns to face you completely, your chest almost brushing against his. You have to tilt your head back to meet his gaze.

   “Darling, I can see it in your eyes that it hurts. Please, just hand me the umbrella, and you won’t have to struggle any longer.” He looks at you with genuine concern in his eyes, the grin on his face replaced by a soft, caring smile.

   Your heart skips a beat at the way he’s looking at you, all warmth and sincerity. For a brief moment, you consider accepting his offer, handing him the umbrella and pausing your competition with a temporary truce. But your mouth is quicker than your brain, and you respond with the same stubbornness as before, “No.”

   Alastor lets out a deep sigh, his ears falling flat against his head for a quick moment before they perk up again and the both of you resume the walk.

   He stops in his tracks once more, turning to you with a bemused expression. “Some might think you’re doing this on purpose.”

   “I’m not,” you reply defensively, the irritation creeping into your voice.

   “Then why do you keep poking me, despite insisting you’re not affected by holding your arm up this high?” His eyebrow raises in challenge, a smirk playing at the corners of his mouth.

   “Because I’m not!” you insist, even as the words leave your lips, the irony of your situation dawning on you. You struggle to maintain your composure, torn between stubbornness and the growing discomfort of your arm.

   “And I’m the stubborn one here?” Alastor quips, his tone dripping with sarcasm.

   You don’t respond. Instead, you let out a frustrated huff, adjusting your grip on the umbrella. “Come on now, Alastor. We need to return to the hotel.”

   Just as you say this, the umbrella jabs him again, the spokes poking into his eyebrow, barely missing his eye. In an instant, he dissolves into shadow, leaving you standing alone in the middle of the street. The rain keeps pouring around you, and the umbrella feels empty now – a hollow shield against the weather that only amplifies your sudden loneliness.

   You growl in frustration, muttering under your breath, “For fuck’s sake…”

[fastandcarlos]

Not So Insulting : ̗̀➛ Logan Sargeant

summary: although the fans around you don't seem to have logan's back, you most definitely do

You could see watching Logan from afar, his shoulders were low and his expression blank. His eyes kept glancing to a group of people stood just to his left, almost as if he was tuning into their conversation and not exactly enjoying what he was hearing. 

After a few moments, you walked across and stood in front of Logan, distracting him from what was around him, heart breaking at the disappointed expression that you saw on his face. 

Ever since it had been announced that Logan would be leaving Williams it almost seemed as if people suddenly had the freedom to say what they wanted. There had always been some conversations, but now they seemed to be getting louder with people relieved to see the potential end of Logan’s career in Formula 1. 

Yet, as you stood there too, things didn’t change, if anything their voices became louder, almost as if they wanted you to hear exactly what they were saying, 

“He’s been a waste of a seat for the past two years,” one of them spoke, immediately getting your back up. 

A faint sigh came from Logan, his eyes shutting as he tried to block out what was happening around him. You reached forwards and took a hold of his hand, reassuring him that you were there, trying your best to distract him once again from listening. 

“We might actually see Williams be successful again now,” another added, another stab into Logan’s back. 

“They must have been desperate back then to ever think about signing someone like him.” 

As much as Logan tried his best to not let you see how much the comments were getting to him, this time it was obvious. He couldn’t bring himself to look at you, his teeth bit down hard on his bottom lip as he tried to keep his emotions in check and not let people see how bothered he was.  

You stood and braced yourself for the next comment, but luckily for you both it didn’t arrive. You could still hear their giggles though, finding the funny side of berating Logan and his career together.  

It wasn’t the first time, and it wasn’t the last time, you’d had to stand back and listen to Logan be criticised from the moment he walked through the door, and it seemed it was going to carry on until he said goodbye too. 

You’d spent the past two years having to stand back and do nothing, but with your loyalties only with Logan now, there was nothing to hold you back from doing what you had wanted to do for the past two years. 

“Are you proud of yourselves?” You loudly asked. 

The figures in the group all looked around, neither of them knowing what to say as they spotted you, a nervous looking Logan just behind you, anxiously watching as he tried to figure out what you were doing. 

After a moment you cleared your throat, staring them down. “You’re supposed to be professional journalists and this is how you behave? Would you ever write what you’ve all just said in an article and deliver it to your boss?” 

Logan reached out in an attempt to take your hand, but you shrugged him off, knowing that you’d both let it slide for far too long. 

“I’ll be happy to write up about this in an article, the headlines would love this.” 

“Do it, see if I care. I’m sure if your boss knew how you spoke about other drivers then you probably wouldn’t even have a career anymore, right?” 

“We speak the truth.” 

“Do you? Because the Logan that I see is a hardworking, talented driver who has dedicated himself to that team over the past two years and it’s about time all of you saw that in him too.” 

A couple of them went to speak again, but before they could, you took a hold of Logan’s hand again and spun around, walking as far away from them as you could into a much quieter part of the paddock where you could be alone. 

Logan stumbled behind you as he tried to come to terms with what he had just seen, stunned by how you had come to his defence, finally managing to silence his critics, even if it was just for a few minutes. 

The two of you sat down behind the Williams garage, Logan’s arm immediately wrapped around as he pressed a kiss to the top of your head, letting go of the heavy breath that he had been holding onto. 

“You didn’t need to do that,” he whispered closely into your ear. 

Your head shook, dismissing Logan. Having spent the past two years standing back and doing nothing, it was a now or never as to whether you were going to truly have Logan’s back. 

Logan smiled back to you as you looked across and met his eyes. “No one seems to be standing up for you these days, so that’s where I step in. I’m not going to stand back any longer, we’re not tied down to anyone anymore.” 

“I guess I’ve just gotten used to fighting for myself.” 

“You don’t have to look nice for Williams anymore,” you reminded him, “the only person you need to think about is you, that’s the only person I’m thinking about.” 

You felt guilty for taking so long to stand up for Logan but you never wanted to get in the way of his career. Now, you didn’t care, there was very little Williams could do soon, they didn’t have a hold over you like they once did. 

If they decided to post about your confrontation, you didn’t care.  Being posted about for protecting your boyfriend was never going to be a negative in your eyes, you were just wanting to show everyone else what they should have done for Logan too. 

“I don’t want them to forget how amazing you are Logan.” 

“I definitely don’t think you’ve let them do that,” Logan chuckled, kissing the top of your head once again. “Honestly, it just feels pretty cool to have finally had someone have my back, even if I’m not racing next year at least I’ll have you by my side to cheer me on.” 

In a way, you were glad to see Logan walking away from Williams, a team that had rarely bothered with Logan or showed him any support for such a considerable time. 

“You’ll be racing, somewhere, I’m sure of it,” you assured him. “The right time will come along, a team who see how brilliant you are and want to have your back too.” 

“Do you think a team will be able to handle the protective girlfriend that comes with signing a contract with me?” 

“As long as they help you and stick up for you, they won’t even know I’m there,” you laughed, “however if they treat you like nothing, I’m not going to stand back anymore.” 

Logan’s smile was wide as you spoke, his heart full knowing that you were there, even if no one else was, Logan could absolutely always count on you. 

“I’ll make sure to warn them,” Logan teased, nudging against your side. “They’ll probably make you sign a contract to make sure that you stay quiet.” 

If there was one thing you were definitely not going to do, it was stay quiet about Logan. You’d spent two years having to stand back out of the spotlight, but not this time around, wherever it was that Logan ended up going next. 

“Thank you for having my back today, well, every day. I love having you by my side and knowing that I’ve got you right there with me.” 

“I love you, I’ll always be there for you.” 

˗ˏˋ 𝐌𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓 ! ´ˎ˗