#[plurally confused 🧠]

[rosechilds-writing-desk]

I've been reading up on pluralpedia and I think we are a proxy system and I'm partially a headmate challener(?) Byt not really? There are things I "just know" about some headmates and tend to feel their emotions really strongly. But this still doesn't explain why Shimon and I are basically the same but different, to the extent that sometimes things that happen to me in the headspace also happen to him.

Random things I know about system (for my own notes but you can look too!) I might be missing things or things may change who knows. I still don't know much about us.

I am the only host that has ever been in front. I do have vivid memories of disasociating in grade school, so I know we are traumagencic.

There are at least nine of us counting me. Oliver, Fujioka, Clary, Shimon, Jace, Koko, Kurt and Finn.

I cannot access the inner world at all. I have no idea what it's like back there apart from Clary and Fujioka who has "shown" me their "rooms". Other that that I've never accessed the headspace. However, the others come co-con occasionally and have real time reactions to what's going on. I have been told by them that it also helps that I have such a detailed internal monologue.

I can feel a lot of their emotions so I often have to stop and think whether or not their emotions are me or them. But that's also a bit wonky. It's not always 100% and I do not think all the headmates are aware of this connection? It also took me a long time to tell the difference between things I inatately know about them vs what they tell me. An example being a miscommunication that accured when I noted Clary's sexuality and she got upset and thought I was making assumptions based on her personality or something and Shimon had to explain that I can't sort out what I "just know" from what I've been told.

I know headspace is technically a synonym for inner world but I'm not exactly sure what to call the co-con space. I can see them in the co-con space extremely clearly and this is where we converse when we are co-con. Sometimes I have a very weird partial "avatar" in that space and its used to interact with them but I am still front, I feel through this partial me when the others touch me but do not get phantom feelings of it in the body? Anyway It is all black, sometimes shades of Grey. Kind of like the skyrim loading screen! Shimon is usually leaning up on an invisible ledge as he talks to me. He is there 9/10 even if he is not communicating with me, followed by Clary.

They tend to dissappear into "the back" when they leave this space. It feels like there's a gap between two black walls (that just looks like one sea of black) that they vanish into/appear from behind.

I do not know how many people are in the inner world and I certainly do not know who the "gatekeepers are" but they seem to not want me in the back/not want me to know who's in the back. I've tried asking and don't really get much.

I am aware that at the very least I have more Glee fictives. I asked Kurt if there was anyone he would want to talk to if I saw them and he got mad and said he didn't want to talk to my shitty friends and everyone he needs is in the inner world but did not elaborate.

I do not know who the gatekeepers are. I do not know what the inner world looks like as a whole. I only know that Clary's room is at the institute and that Fujioka spends a lot of time in an exact copy of the library from my irl middle school.

Shimon and I are extremely confconfusing and I also have a version of his source as a kintype. I call him my co-pilot because he is almlst always here. He also is the one who gets most frustrated with being stuck in the back and unable to front. But the connection I have with Shimon is still very confusing. Someone suggested that we might be in a subsystem together. I'm wondering if that's possible. But its also worth noting that all 3 of my headmates from his source are from different sources. (I originally thought Shimon and Clary introverted from the same place, however I am now seeing more clearly that Jace, Clary, and Shimon are from all different spurces. Shimon and Clary being married is unrelated to their source)

To elaborate on Shimon and I's memories. One of us has memories of Luke being a detective as he is in the television show and the other has memories of him owning a bookstore as he does in the books/film and we have no clue at all who's are who's. It's a mystery.

I have a partial theory that he partially split durring a traumatic event when I was in high school and didn't fully split until later though I know this isn't exactly something I've ever heard of. I do not think it follows any structures of plurality, however. I'm not entirely sure how subsystems work. But it kind of feels like we are like this:

I think Koko might hold some of my autism symptoms. He only uses physical communication and has a very intense draw to cats.

Ollie (Oliver to everyone outside the system + Kurt) for some reason only protects Fujioka. I am not entirely sure why that is. I have reason to believe that Fujioka could be some sort of school trauma holder.

Kurt feels like a prosecutor of some kind. He tends to cause problems on purpose when he shows up. He is very easy to pacify though. He tends to target Fujioka, Ollie and I. He also lashes out at his sourcemates when we watch his source. He likes touch Fujioka (nothing weird, but he likes to dress them up and touch their hair. Fujioka is 100% with this however he does it because it makes Ollie REALLY upset. I have seen Ollie get violent with Kurt before and I've been told by Shimon that it was not that first time after breaking up the fight) he also just likes being mean at times. He insulted Fujioka's looks and insulted me. It seemed at first to be retaliation against me for how I regarded his source counterpart but I get the feeling more that he is pre-dispositioned to be antagonistic towards us. Even after I've pacified him and made up he gets very angry very easily and seems to want to take it out on us or his sourcemates.

Another thing about Kurt is that I believe he appeared in middle school and went to the back sometime durring high school. When he first emerged he thought I was leaving for school soon and age slid when we learned we were older now.

Finn is some kind of caretaker. He's very gentle and tends to shake me from my intrusive thoughts spiral at times.

I have a joke running theory that my gate-keepers are also two specific fictives and I'm starting to question if im correct because they won't way a word. However I have no proof of this. I have considered trying to bait them out but I think that would be cruel.

Update: as I was writing Oliver revealed his room to me as well.

All of the headmates are over 20 years of my age with (Shimon and Clary aging with the body) apart from Fujioka who is 16. The world is very small for him it feels like? Leading me to believe she is a trauma holder. When Kurt came out of the back he changed his age because he didn't want to be a teen. Haruhi stayed the same and... as far as she's concerned so is everyone else? Fujioka refers to Shimon and I as senpai as if we're in school together and they do speak to each other in Japanese. (I no longer speak it, but Fujioka seems a little formal with Shimon) I originally offered to let Fujioka use kun or chan for me and they seemed uncomfortable. I offered san and this left them confused so I stopped pushing the issue. I see no reason to shatter her reality as she does not front.

Fujioka tends to call Ollie "dad" at times and I believe she spends a lot of time in his room or he guards Fujioka's library. He takes his job very seriously. He views attempts to get close to him as a threat to her. Their relationship seems to be a flip flop between bodyguard/asset and father/child. Both these dynamics exist separately but at the same time.

While Fujioka identifies as Aroace I have reason to believe she had feelings for Ootori.

[syscultureis]

Plural culture is having an extremely confused relationship with your abuser because "well it happened years ago" and half the alters want to drop them no contact and the other half insist we have to stay friendly and I'm just stuck here in the middle no idea what to think or do

-🧠🧍🧠

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[rosechilds-writing-desk]

Things I've learned about Jace so far:

He likes cheetos (A lot)

Pronouns are bird/he

bird shapeshifts into a bird of prey I think he's a Prairie Falcon but I can't identify birds well and

He is completely separated from his source, but he also did not introject from the same place as Simon or Clary. He introjected from the film. Which means that he introjected very, very recently. Possibly as recently as this year.

Chaos incarnate.