#[me rewatching this show in 2021? it's more likely than you think]

[zepskies]

Omg really? Wow, thank you so much. That's honestly amazing to me, considering this was one of the hardest for me to write in Smoke Eater. 💞

(But after reading your wonderful review, thank you for making me cry. 🥹💗💗)

First of all, please don't apologize for the heartfelt thoughts you want to share with me. No matter how long or short, I love hearing what you think about my writing, and this is genuinely one of the best reviews I've ever received, because I can tell it came from the heart.

What's crazy is my mom and I also used to watch Chicago Fire together when she was trying to recover from surgery (where she had terrible complications and wasn't well for a long time). It became her comfort show, and I was happy to introduce it to her/have that bonding time where it kept her from thinking about her pain. But I'm so glad you thought to come here to perk yourself up after a rewatch.

honestly I have so many thoughts for each wonderful chapter but I would feel super guilty for spamming :’) this chapter in particular though, hits me harder than anything i’ve ever read before — not in a bad way!🤍

lol girl that's the best kind of spamming. I'd never be upset with that! 😂 Oh good, I'm glad it doesn't hit in a bad way. I was concerned about that for readers when I was first posting this part of the story. 💙

my mom had epilepsy, and I was her caretaker pretty much my entire life. I connect so much with this story because it, feels like i’m reading a mirror, if that makes any sense at all. with all the doctors and the worrying, it’s written so authentically, which is understandable after reading your author’s note. i’m so sorry you’ve experienced such difficult hardships and losses yourself honey, I offer my sincere condolences. and i’m sending you the biggest hugs 🫂🤍🤍

I'm sending you the biggest hugs right back, friend. I'm so sorry about what your mom went through, and what you went through too. Being a caretaker is not easy. I've seen it enough in my family that that's what I drew from in order to write this, so I'm glad it felt authentic to your experience. 🫂💞

now these lines/parts specifically had me crying like a baby lol. december of 2021, my mom had to have surgery at the start of the month. her recovery was going a little slow, but well. however she passed away overnight, 2 days after christmas, completely unexpected. the day before she had been doing so well too— she had more energy and was more mobile without needing as much assistance. came to find out later that’s something nurses call a surge? :/ either way, those moments in particular really tugged at my heartstrings ❤️‍🩹

I'm so sorry for your loss, my friend. It is blind sighting when it comes so unexpected like that. I haven't shared this publicly, but something similar happened with my grandfather this past December. His health declined suddenly, to the point we had to take him to the hospital. After seeming to get better after a few days, he went downhill even harder, and he passed away in mid-December. It's not the same thing as your situation, but I understand the feeling of "why did this happen like this?" But now he's at peace with my grandma. And your mom is free from her pain and discomfort too. ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

this line too. I felt this way for so long after my mom died. I didn’t get the final cause for a while since she passed at home and not at a hospital, and to this day I wish I could go back. wish I could’ve done something different. but SUDEP (or, sudden unexpected death in epilepsy) is completely unpreventable so far. I just find it so cruel that this illness I spent my whole life helping her with, ended up taking her anyway and nothing I did mattered in the end. so reading that line, how she broke down, and everything she had been holding in, it really made my heart ache but I also felt less alone in a way.

And I'm sure you did everything you possibly could, just like the reader in this story. 💞 I didn't know about SUDEP, but I have a family member who takes medication for his epilepsy, so I'm going to be reading up on that. I'm so glad that this simple line made you feel less alone in any small way -- I also thought when I was writing that it not only fit what the character was going through, but that other people who've been caretakers for a family member like this would be able to identify with this feeling as well.

everything that followed, it’s like reading a reflection. I shutdown and just went through the motions afterwards too, but ohhh how nice it would’ve been to have a dean ❤️ his support, how he takes care of her, it’s so heartwarming. and it’s really comforting to read. <3

It's that awful "autopilot" thing that somehow allows us to get through the aftermath, in a way, right? If only we could all have a Dean to support us in those moments. Somehow, reading hurt/comfort fics help me feel better too though. 💓💓

a lot of my family distanced themselves afterwards which, it is what it is. that being said, the sentiment in this story of family isn’t always blood resonates with me a lot. my support system is really small, but they chose to be there for me unlike my blood relatives so, that theme in this story means so much — the way dean’s chosen family shows up for her as well, it’s so sweet. 💖

Ugh really? I'm sorry to hear that. 💙💙 But thank you for pointing that out -- that is the overarching theme of this story, a la SPN style. 🥹 Your chosen family can be just as powerful, if not more, than your blood family. And in this story, Dean's family is basically "adopting" the reader/you into it. 💕

I guess the gist of what i’m trying to say, is I wholeheartedly adore this series and it truly means so much to me 🤍 I appreciate your work so much, and I love the unique feeling each piece of your writing brings 💗💗 I know I may sound like a broken record but truly I don’t think I can ever put into words how much I love your blog. you are an absolute sweetheart, truly a light peeking out between cloudy skies 💞

Wow, I really did tear up of happiness. Thank you. 🥹🥹 I appreciate you right back for reading this story and connecting with it like you did. And I'm so glad that you enjoy my blog!! I've only been here on Tumblr for about 2 years actively, but connecting with people like you is what's keeping me here, and honestly gives me energy to write and express myself when I'm going through hard times.

This chapter specifically was very difficult for me to write for multiple reasons, as you saw in my AN, but again it makes me all the more grateful that this is the chapter you connect with the most. I'm very sorry for your loss though. I'm really touched that this story can give you some small comfort. 💞

(And no it's not too much. Thank YOU for taking the time to share this with me.)

Smoke Eater - Part 11

Pairing: Firefighter!Dean Winchester x F. Reader 

Summary: Dean Winchester is the cocky, but well-respected Lieutenant at Firehouse 25. He leads by example, but he’s also known to break a few hearts. He’s starting to crave something he’s never had, though. Something stable. Something real. 

That’s when he meets you, on a truly terrible day, trapped in a rickety old elevator.   

🔥 Series Masterlist

Word Count: 5,400 Tags/Warnings: Major angst warning. But also major hurt/comfort.

Part 11: “Heart of the Home”

You sat very still.

Your hands were gripped together in your lap when the doctor entered. He was tall and lean and blonde, and he would’ve reminded you of your boss, except this man had a kinder face.

You were sitting on the edge of your grandfather’s bed, hoping the doctor would say the bloodwork and scans came back fine. That they wouldn’t need to admit George into the hospital for further testing. That he could go home in the morning.

But your life had never been quite that easy.

“Okay, George. I’m sorry, but we need to admit you,” said the doctor.

He explained that while the malignant tumor of his cancer had been removed last year, the scans that had been done last month hadn’t been able to detect the bright spots now formed on George’s lungs and lymph nodes.

The oncologist would have to confirm, but you all knew where this was headed. Likely those “bright spots” were tumors.

George nodded slowly at first, taking it all in. He asked what his options were, as far as treatment.

“Your oncologist will go over those options with you,” the doctor replied. “We’re going to move you up to Oncology shortly.”

George thanked him.

And you sat very still. 

A hand fell on your arm, finally earning your gaze. George’s face was oddly calm, though the worry in his eyes was for you. You realized that he’d gently called your name, though you hadn’t heard him. Your ears were ringing.

His mouth parted to tell you something, but nothing came out. So instead, he tugged you into his arms, and he heaved a long sigh.

“I guess we’re here again,” he admitted. He let out a chuckle. “The Lord does like his tests…but maybe that car accident was a blessing in disguise, huh?”

You heard his voice, but your mind was buzzing—mainly with the doctor’s words, and with a bone-deep feeling that threatened to consume you.

Your car, your fault. Options, again. Here again.

Your fault.

When you didn’t answer, George pulled away a bit to give you a questioning look.

“Sweetheart?” he tried. You laid a hand on his arm.

“You still haven’t eaten dinner, have you?” you asked. Neither had you, for that matter. “I’ll get us something that isn’t rubbery turkey.”

George blinked at you, confused, with a growing edge of worry.

“Isn’t Dean getting your meds? Why don’t you wait for him to—”

“I’m fine,” you said, already getting up to grab your purse. “I’ll be back.”

George called your name again, but the ringing in your ears was now pulsing in time with your heartbeat.

You made your way down the hall to the lobby at a brusque clip, even with your neck brace on. You didn’t see Dean, but he certainly saw you as he was walking back into the hospital. Frowning, he followed and called out to you.

You slowed when you saw him, and he soon caught up with you. He rested a hand on your back.

“Hey, where you goin’?" he asked.

“We haven’t eaten in a while. I’m going to the cafeteria,” you said. Though you seemed distracted, your eyes meeting his only briefly. It triggered a small spidey sense running up Dean’s spine.

He gave you your prescription pain medication, which you took with a small “thank you.”

“Everything okay?” he asked. “How’s George doing?”

“Fine. He’s resting,” you said. And by the look of you, that seemed to be true. But he spotted the tremble in your hands when you took the pill bottle package from him. It made him stop you when you tried to keep walking down to the cafeteria.

“Okay, you wanna run that by me again?” Dean asked.

You frowned, and your brows knit together. “What?”

“Is there something going on?” he pressed.

You sighed, but you didn’t answer him. You looked exhausted, and like you’d rather swallow your own tongue than speak. You shook your head and laid a hand on his wrist.

“I’m fine. Dean, thank you for everything you did tonight, but you still have to work tomorrow. Go home, get some rest,” you said.

You turned from him again. That was your first mistake. He reached out and grasped your hand to stop you.

“Hey, wait a minute,” he said.

“What?” you said in irritation. Your second mistake was not being able to look at him.

Dean was frowning in earnest now. Worry clawed in his gut, which was also telling him not to let you walk away from him. His grip shifted to hold both of your arms and move directly in front of you. He dipped his chin, trying to get you to meet his eyes.

“Come on, sweetheart,” he said gently. “I need you to talk to me.”

You inhaled a shuddering breath. A wave was rising inside you, threatening to pull you into its undertow. Your eyes burned, red and shining. Dean finally saw it when you raised your head, what little you could. Your mouth began to quiver, looking into his eyes. And it was done.

You could no longer be still.

Dean held you when you fell apart in the hallway.

Dean called out of work the next day to stay with you and George. Gordon would be acting Lieutenant until his next shift, and Dean was sure the man would take full enjoyment out of it.

He couldn’t care about that right now though. He felt that his place was here, being your quiet wall of support while you and George and the oncologist talked about treatment options.

“Normally, at the stage we’re in, I would be recommending chemotherapy,” said Dr. Benton.

“Normally?” you echoed.

“At the rate this is progressing, the treatment would have to be aggressive,” he said. His gaze focused on George. “However, at your age, and the current state of your overall health…at this point, I don’t think the rigors of treatment would be worth diminishing your quality of life.”

“What are you saying?” you asked. Your voice cut like a whip, earning the other men’s gazes.

George was the first one to lay a hand on your arm. “You know what it means, honey…he’s saying it ain’t worth it.”

“Of course, it’s worth it,” you retorted. With your brows furrowed and lips pursed, your eyes went from him to the doctor. “Just because he’s older, we shouldn’t even try? Is that what you’re saying, doctor?”

At that, even Dean drew closer to lay a hand on your back. Meanwhile, George squeezed your arm.

Benton shook his head gravely. “That’s certainly not what I’m saying.”

“How much time would I get, if I started treatment,” George asked, before you could volley further with the doctor.

Benton met the other man’s gaze.

“I’m going to be honest with you, George. You may get a few more weeks, or even a few months. But that is a best-case scenario.”

Dean drove you all home that day, after George decided to formally waive treatment. Both men knew you were angry in your silence, but neither one wanted to press you. Dean was too wary, and George was too tired.

Once he was settled in bed, you hadn’t even left his room yet before you grabbed a notepad off his desk and wandered into the hall. You started to make a list of things you still needed from the grocery store, among other things. Dean took that piece of paper out of your hands.

“Good. I’ll handle this,” he said. “Meanwhile, you can get upstairs, take a shower, take your meds, and get some sleep.” 

You frowned at him. “You haven’t slept either, Dean.”

“I’m used to it,” he said, giving you a wink and a slight smile. Overnight shifts could be a bitch at a firehouse, but Dean was no stranger to having his sleep interrupted.

“Listen to him, honey. He’s speaking sense,” George called from inside his room. The bedroom door was still open. He was settling into his bed while trying to stifle a cough. He sipped at a cup of water you’d brought for him.

Still, you looked reluctant. Dean held your arms and pressed a kiss to your forehead.

“Come on,” he said. “You were in an accident yesterday. You’ve had one hell of a night. You need your rest, or you’ll be no good to anyone.”

And if you pushed yourself much more, he worried that he’d have to take you right back to the hospital. Dean would rather not have that scare so close to the last one.

He brushed your cheek with gentle fingers. With the limited mobility your neck brace provided, you did your best to look up at him. Your eyes were softer.

“Okay,” you breathed.

“Okay? All right, good,” Dean said. You held onto his jacket for a moment, leaning against him.

“Thank you,” you whispered. You felt the burn of tears behind your closed eyelids. A few of them squeezed past and slipped down your cheeks. Dean held your face, brushing the tears away with his thumbs.

“Hey, I’m here, all right? Just let me help you,” he said. “You can lean on me when you need to.”

“I haven’t had that in a long time,” you admitted. “Part of me doesn’t know how to lean.”

“I get that,” Dean said. But you both knew that there was a long and difficult road ahead. He knew he didn’t have to remind you of it. “Whatever you need, you just tell me, okay? If nothing else, I’ve got a strong pair of shoulders.”

Somehow, you smiled. You pressed your forehead against his chest and inhaled deeply, to steady yourself.

“That you do, Lieutenant.”

You left for your room soon after, but not before you brought him down to you for one more tearful kiss.

Dean then watched you climb up the stairs to your room and nearly went up to help you, but he heard George call his name. Dean ventured back into George’s room and heeded his beckoning hand.

“You hungry? I can scramble some eggs or something before I hit the store. I think I saw two more left in the carton,” Dean said. George shook his head.

“Come ‘ere a sec.”

Dean took the hint and sat on the edge of the bed.

“I just wanna thank you for everything you did yesterday. Everything you’re still doing for us,” George said. He looked exhausted, but whatever he wanted to say was important enough to fight off sleep. He clasped a hand on Dean’s arm.

“You don’t have to,” Dean replied.

George huffed. A smile made his eyes gleam brighter.

“I knew you were a special one, Dean Winchester. Knew it the night I met ya, on your very first date with her.”

Dean blinked, but his pause drifted into a reserved smile.

“How’s that?” he asked.

“Well, I’ll be honest. When I heard that black Chevy rumble like hell’s wheels onto the driveway, I thought I might have to worry about you,” George chuckled.

Dean’s lips quirked.

“But no, it wasn’t that. It wasn’t the pretty flowers, or our mutual love of killer sharks,” George quipped, making Dean’s smile more genuine. “It isn’t your job either, or the fact that you saved her. I just believe that you can see a man’s mettle in his eyes…and I saw it in you when I shook your hand that night.”

Dean took that in for a moment. His hand flexed over his knee. Then he met George’s gaze, though he didn’t know what to say. Sometimes though, honestly was the best bet.

“I’m sorry for what you’re going through,” he said at last. “I can’t imagine…”

George let out a breath through his nose. “I’ll tell you a secret.”

He pointed to a picture frame on his bedside. It was of him and his wife, Sophie, when they were around your age and Dean’s. The couple were sitting on a pier that hung over the edge of the lake in their hometown.

She held him from behind, with her arms wrapped around his neck. Her long hair was being carried by the wind, getting swept into George’s eyes. He was smiling too hard to care.

“I’m ready to smile like that again,” he said. He had tears in his eyes, but he was already lighter at the thought. “I know it’s selfish…but I think I’ve missed her long enough.”

Dean paused. Then he cleared his throat past a small well of something he couldn’t name. He wondered if his dad ever had thoughts like that.

“Well, I’ll let you get your rest,” he said. “I’ll be back.”

George nodded and gave Dean’s arm a squeeze. “All right. Drive safe. Don’t hit any goddamn trees.”

He shot Dean a knowing wink, and it almost had the younger man laughing. George’s sense of humor was something else.

Dean then left George to rest. He made sure he had his wallet, keys, and your grocery list before he left your house and went back to the car. He checked his phone and saw a missed call…from Cas.

Dean was reminded again about Azazel, the kingpin who might’ve ordered a hit on his family. Along with the recent murders and arsons, and the connection from one of the victims to your company, Savage & Co.

Dean returned the call as he climbed into the Impala.

“Dean. Everything all right?” Cas asked. “Sam filled me in about the accident.”

“Yeah, everyone’s okay…well, not really. I’ll explain later,” Dean replied. “Listen, about what we talked about at the bar.”

“Yes.” Cas said gravely. “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t go to your father about this yet.”

“Funny, I was thinking the same thing.” Dean sighed. “My girl just got some real bad news. I know you gotta keep digging into Savage & Co., but can you keep her out of it?”

“Is she all right?”

“Yeah, more or less…it’s her grandfather.”

“Ah, I see,” Cas said. “I’m sorry to hear that.”

“Thanks, man. I’d rather her just focus on what she needs to do right now, you know?”

“I get it. And believe me, we’re keeping the investigation of Nick Savage quiet for now,” Cas said. “But if we find something, or worse, if I can’t…I’ll likely need to question her. She works directly with Savage, and from what I can tell, she’s instrumental in bringing in and maintaining several of his major accounts.”

Dean stopped at a red light and took a moment to rub a hand over his tired face, rubbing his eyes. “You don’t really think she’s got any idea of what that asshole’s into.”

“I’m not saying she does. But in working so closely with him, perhaps she’s noticed things about her boss, and the company. Things she’s kept to herself, out of self-preservation.”

Dean frowned. He didn’t want to think about shit like that. It made his stomach churn at the thought of you working for someone who might be doing business with a crime lord, let alone Azazel.

“Well, when that day comes, give me a heads up, okay?”

“Will do.”

“Thanks, Cas.”

Dean offered to take another day off to help you, but you wouldn’t let him. He needed to go back to work, and you were able to arrange working from home for the next few weeks.

Even Nick couldn’t refuse to accommodate you in a situation like this. He knew very well that if he pushed you too hard, you’d go directly to HR.

So he backed off, and told you to take as much time at home as you needed. It allowed you to put him, and that afternoon in his office, away from your mind to focus on taking care of your grandfather.

Though you called your best friend the day you got home from the hospital, Andréa didn’t come by your house to see you and George until the end of the week. She cited mounting projects at work and some kind of tiff with her cousin Meg, but it all sounded like excuses to you.

However, she was gracious enough to bring dinner for the three of you on a Friday night. She cut up with George like normal, and even got him laughing, until a coughing fit forced him to stop. It also took most of the joy out of the rest of the evening.

While George went up to his room to rest, Andréa later joined you in the kitchen. You were washing the dishes, trying to focus on what you were doing. But your mind was buzzing continuously with future tasks and worries. Always, tasks and worries.

“How are you holding up?” Andréa asked. She rubbed your back, and you gave her a slight smile.

“All I can do is make him comfortable, for as long as possible,” you replied. There were tears in your friend’s eyes, but she dabbed them away with the back of her hand.

“What do you need? Anything, you just tell me,” she said.

It was a little easier for you to contemplate leaning on Andréa. You had been friends with her for years, and she was like another daughter to George.

On the other hand, asking Dean for help always made you hesitate. What you two had was still so new. You worried that this was too much for your relationship, too fast. 

“Well,” you sighed as you wiped your hands dry on a kitchen towel. You didn’t exactly want to talk about it, but there were things you had to start planning, even if you didn’t know the exact timeframe.

However, as soon as you opened your mouth to reply, Andréa’s cell phone rang. She held up a finger to you and checked it. To your surprise, she actually answered it.

“Hey, babe,” she replied with a smile. You heard Benny’s deep voice on the line, asking a question. “Yeah, I’m still here. I’m probably leaving soon though.”

She continued her conversation for a few more minutes, but you didn’t hear anything after that. A tension headache was sharp behind your eyes, while anger (yes, anger) rolled hot under your skin. Your lips pursed. You busied yourself with straightening up the kitchen until she continued her call for another few minutes.

“Sorry about that,” she said, finally turning her attention back to you. “So what do you need?”

You put away the last dry dish and turned to her coolly.

“Nothing.”

Andréa frowned. She knew there was something off with you, but her furrowed brows betrayed her confusion.

“What do you mean?”

“Nothing,” you repeated. “Don’t you need to head out, anyway?”

“No, I was just…what’s up with you?” she asked.

“What’s up with me is my grandfather’s dying!” you snapped. You left her in the kitchen, precisely so that she’d follow you out. You grabbed her purse for her and went to the front door, where you stepped out.

Andréa was dismayed and confused as she followed you out onto the porch. She raised her brows at you when you shut the door and crossed your arms at her.

“I know you, and this isn’t just about that. What’s the problem?” she asked.

“You can’t seem to detach from your boyfriend for more than five minutes to just be my friend. That’s the problem,” you replied. “But why should I be surprised? Like always, you’re too wrapped up in yourself to consider anyone else.”

Her brows knitted together; she looked hurt by your words, but also defensive.

“How can you say that when you’ve been exactly the same way?” she accused. “Since you met Dean, I’d be lucky to see you once a week—”

“I call you every week,” you began, counting the list with your fingers. “You’re always busy, but you never give me a day that works for you. And when we do make plans, you usually cancel. Why? Because you’re going sailing with Benny. You’re going to a restaurant, hours away, just to try the new sushi bar beer garden, or whatever the hell. Or you’re going on an impromptu road trip, or you’re planning a summer trip to Greece. Give me fucking break, Dre.”

By now she was frowning angrily, her arms crossed. “You’re mad at me because I have a life?”

“No. I’m happy for you that you found someone. I really am,” you said. “But we clearly live in two different versions of reality. I just don’t have the time or the energy to entertain yours.”

You knew you were being too harsh. You felt incredible guilt as soon as it all left your mouth…but part of you also felt like a weight had been lifted off your chest. The problem was, you still felt heavy. Just in a different way.

Both of you were crying when Andréa left your house.

All too soon, a week became a month. In that time, Dean called you every day to check on you. He spent most of his evenings with you and George when he wasn’t on shift. And when he was, sometimes Meg would drop in.

She understood your argument with Andréa, and she respected you for taking a stand when you needed to. She even confided you that she’d had similar frustrations with her cousin lately.

But Meg wasn’t your only visitor. Ellen had come a few times to bring you lunch and dinner, even breakfast, though you hadn’t asked her to. You realized then how close Dean must be to his friends at the firehouse, along with the Harvelles; Ellen also refused to take any money from you for the food.

By the end of the month, George mainly spent his days sleeping. Pain medication made his days nearly painless, but not without struggle. You were doing your best to care for him while continuing to work full-time from home. You were also exhausted, though you refused to admit it.

Today was a better day, however, because George was awake. He was also more aware of his surroundings than usual.

He stopped you from adjusting his pillow so you would sit down on the edge of his bed. He took your hand in his, brushing a thumb over the back of it.

“I’m okay with this, you know,” he said. You pursed your lips, but he stopped you from whatever you were going to say. “I don’t want to leave you. You know that…but I’m so damn proud of you. Your Gram was, and still is…”

Your lower lip wobbled as you tried and failed to keep your tears at bay. They stung in your eyes and slipped past your defenses, down your face.

“The house is yours. But if that’s too hard for you, just sell it,” he said, heaving a deep breath. “It’s just the bones. You’re the heart. And you always have been.”

You opened your mouth to speak, but not a sound would come out. You held his hand with both of yours and stared down at them. Until his voice once again commanded your attention.

“I always thought…moving to the city ruined my daughter. That we should’ve stayed in Lebanon. That maybe I gave her too much freedom, and I failed her somehow along the way,” George said. His eyes were heavy with old heartache. And yet, they soon began to lighten.

“But the day we lost a daughter, we gained one too,” he said. Then, he chuckled a little. “And I know I never failed with you, sweetheart.”

That proved to be too much for you. He pulled you into his arms like you were still a child, and he held you for a long time while you cried yourself out.

Though he eventually spotted Dean hesitating in the doorway. He’d probably let himself in with the spare key you’d given him.

George raised a hand from your back and silently beckoned Dean inside his room. He was getting tired, drifting off thanks to the morphine.

“Hey, lookie there. The boyfriend’s here,” George whispered with a bit of cheek. You sucked in a breath and raised your head, wiping at your eyes before you turned around. Dean met you with an attempt at a smile and a gentle hand on your back.

“Just got out of work?” you asked. He’d been on a 24-hour shift, and you’d missed him. You stood and stepped into his welcoming embrace. He dropped a kiss on your forehead.

“Yeah. I’ve got the next couple of days off,” Dean said. He greeted George next and asked him if he needed anything.

“Just some water,” the older man replied.

“I’ll get it,” you said with a sniff. “Need to start dinner too.”

“I already brought some food. You like Italian, right?” Dean said, with a subtle smile. It earned your sigh and a grateful smile. He knew very well that it was now one of your favorites. Italian meatballs always reminded you both of your first date.

“Thank you,” you said, grasping his hand. He squeezed yours with a nod, before he let you go.

When you were out of earshot, George cleared his throat past a wet cough. Dean reached over and grabbed him a tissue. George took it with a nod. Again, he encouraged Dean to come closer.

“I’m not worried,” George said, between deep breaths. “You know why?”

Dean just stared back for a moment. He genuinely had no idea what the man might say next.

“Tell me,” he said.

“My granddaughter’s strong. Always has been, because she had to be,” said George. “But you’re gonna be there when she’s not.”

Dean considered the weight of that charge. The anxiety in his chest felt familiar; like the day he got his badge at the Fire Academy, knowing then the responsibility he held in his hands.

That’s a lot to put on just three months of knowing this girl, came a more selfish thought. It sounded a lot like the guy he used to be, not too long before he met you.

But when Dean thought about you, and what you’d begun to mean to him…

He realized that he only had one answer.

“Yes, sir. I am,” said Dean.

George gave a tired smile. “Good man.”

And that night, an agreement was made. 

In the morning, your grandfather was gone.

Dean held you through what he thought was the worst of your heartbreak. But after that dour morning, it was like a switch flipped inside you.

In the days after George’s death, your shutters came up. You threw yourself into checklists and task after task—in funeral arrangements and planning and contacting distant relatives and friends.

This was your failsafe. Your version of “autopilot.” And these things needed to get done, after all.

But Dean worried when he no longer saw the softer side of you. Like your heart had been wrung dry. 

He inevitably had to go back to work, but in between the demanding hours of his schedule, he tried to get you to slow down. He saw the warning signs of you running yourself into the ground. He just didn’t know how to help you land.

So Dean picked up slack where he saw it, often without you asking him to. He began fixing the house, one section at a time. He enlisted Benny’s help, since he actually had a small construction business. Dean even paid for the materials himself without you knowing.

And one sunny afternoon, he took a break from repaving part of the cracked and uneven driveway to grab a beer inside. You were sitting at the kitchen table with stacks of papers all around you, your cellphone on speaker as some kind of elevator music continued to ring on a loop.

“Can you believe I’ve been on hold with the funeral director for 20 minutes?” you told him in irritation. But you didn’t truly take sight of him until he came back from the kitchen.

He wore a familiar ensemble of jeans and black undershirt with a plaid shirt, rolled up to his elbows. He was covered in a fine layer of sweat, and his hands were dusty and stained from his work on the driveway. Dean looked tired, and that made you feel guilty.

Meanwhile, he frowned and popped open a beer. “You want one of these? Looks like you could use one.”

You shook your head. With a sigh, you hung up the phone. You’d try calling again later. Instead, you focused on the next item of your checklist for today.

“Food. Because we’re gonna need to eat after the service,” you inclined your head. “Okay, still need to come up with a list of caterers, because I don’t think I can cook for that many people.”

Dean nodded at that. “Let me talk to Ellen. She’ll give you a good price, and her food is good.”

You looked up from your notepad and considered him thoughtfully. You wouldn’t have thought to cater from a bar, but he was right. Ellen had great food at the Roadhouse.

“Okay, I’ll call her,” you said.

“No, I’ll call her,” Dean insisted. He set down the beer on the table and leaned his palms flat on its surface. “Sweetheart, I told you I’d help you with all this. You don’t have to do it by yourself.”

“Dean, you’ve done enough,” you replied. Your brows drew together stubbornly. “You’re paving my driveway right now, for God’s sake! This is my responsibility, not yours.”

Dean frowned, making you sigh. You leaned back in your seat and crossed your arms.

“Look, we’ve only been dating for three months,” you said. And in your mind, a good chunk of that time had been spent in the worst hell of your life. “This right here? It’s a lot. I’m not expecting you to deal with all this…”

You bit your lip, and your gaze fell away from his as your insecurities took hold. The thoughts that had been plaguing you every night since this all began, on the night of the car accident.

“And…if you’d rather take a break from us for a while, I’d understand,” you said.

Your voice was more collected than you felt. But that didn’t make it any easier when Dean stared back at you, mostly incredulous. You even thought you saw a thread of hurt there, and it made your heartache worsen.

Dean came around to your side of the table. He dragged a chair back and sunk into it, facing you directly.

“You think that’s the kind of guy I am?” he asked.

You immediately shook your head. You weren’t trying to upset him, or imply that he wasn’t reliable, or trustworthy, or whatever was running through his head. You were just trying to be realistic.

You’re so pragmatic it hurts, as Andréa had often told you.

“Dean, it’s not that…” you began, a bit helplessly. “I just—”

“Just, nothin’.” His chair scraped toward you as he reached out for your hand. He made sure you looked him in the eyes when he said this next part. 

“I’m not leaving you with this.”

Your gaze met his, though you desperately tried to keep your heart from rising into your throat. 

“I’m not leaving you,” Dean said. His tone, his eyes, his hold on your hand was firm.

For a moment, you stared at him, unblinking, even as tears swam in your eyes. 

He’s not leaving you. 

Not like everyone else in your life.

You were grateful. Too grateful, even, for words.

When you finally broke down into tears, Dean realized what an idiot he’d been. Your wall of stoicism had been just that—a flimsy wall. Now it was shattered, and so were you.

It scared him just how much, as he gathered you onto his lap and into his arms. You didn’t seem to care that he was dirty and covered with sweat. You clung to him strong, and he held you back just as tightly.

“No matter what I did, it wasn’t enough,” you confessed. “You save people all the time. I couldn’t save anyone in my life.”

Dean frowned. He cupped the back of your head, and he felt your tears sliding down his neck. His voice was thick with emotion when he was able to reply.

“Oh, baby. It’s not your fault.”

“I can’t…I can’t do anything. Anything that matters.” Your voice was a broken whisper. It damn near broke his heart. 

“Now you know that’s not true,” he said. “I’m not gonna let you lie to yourself like that.”

You trembled and heaved with sobs, and he continued to hold you.

Just be there, Sam had told him, when Dean had called him from the hospital. Sam reminded him again last week, when George finally passed.

Is that all I’m supposed to do? Dean thought. His brows furrowed, but he tried to hide his frustration.

He was used to people depending on him. He led a team. Before then, he’d looked out for Sam all his life. Dean had never had to help someone get through this kind of grief though. He just wanted to help you, in whatever way he could.

Because he was worrying, just like you. That whatever he did, it wouldn’t be enough.

But he couldn’t leave you. 

I can’t, and I won’t, he thought. So he took a breath, and he said the first true thing that came to mind.

“You’re the strongest woman I know, you know that?” Dean said. He spoke low and steady, but with the conviction he felt. “And that’s a tall order, considering some of the badass ladies I’ve got in my life.”

A smile tugged at his lips when he considered people like Ellen and Jo, Jody and Donna. He might’ve lost his mom, but he and Sam hadn’t lacked when it came to influential women in their lives.

“But I saw it the day we met. I see it every time we’re together,” he continued. “You work hard as hell. You take care of everyone around you…”

You were still quiet, trying to stifle your crying.

Dean let out a breath. “Man, if you only knew how much you’ve been helping me. Keeping my damn feet on the ground with this whole…arsonist mess my dad’s been investigating. Digging up the past, my mom, the whole damn thing.”

With a sniffle, you uncurled from him, just enough to reveal your face. Your grip on his shirt loosened, your palm flattening on his chest. He held your hand there and turned his lips to your forehead. He sensed that you were calming down. That you were listening.

“That matters to me,” he told you.

You nodded and tightened your hand on his. “Me too.”

Your voice was still shaky, but it sounded a little stronger.

“See? You might as well face it.” Dean grinned. “You’re a badass chick with a big heart.”

You snorted in response. Your lips even twitched at a smile. He spied it when he looked down at you. And you rested easier against him as your tears subsided.

“Thank you,” you whispered. He dried your cheek with a brush of his hand. 

“For what?” he asked.

“For staying.”

AN: So first off, I'm sorry for the gritty "reality" of this one. It's just where the story took me, though it serves a purpose narratively and for both the reader and Dean's character development.

But also, I think this has just been on my mind, since both my grandmother and great uncle (brother and sister) died within a year of one another due to different forms of cancer. My great uncle passed in May of this year, and my grandmother two years this past October.

Again, I'm sorry if this one was too heavy, but art does imitate life and this was probably my brain trying to express those emotions I couldn't fully make sense of at the time. George will be missed, but will still be felt in the rest of this story, as I'm sure any of you who've lost close family members will understand. 💙

Next Time:

The identity of Azazel will finally be revealed in Part 12. But first...

You nodded. “By the way, it was nice of Sam and Eileen to come. And Meg and Cas.” 

Dean smiled.

“They can be your people too,” he said. “If you want ‘em to be.”

You couldn’t help it. Your tears brewed and bubbled over. And you moved slowly across the couch to twine your arms around his neck. Dean’s lips tugged at a smile, and he welcomed you with an arm wrapping around your waist.

Both of you were still wearing the same clothes you’d been wearing all day; you in your black dress and Dean in his slacks and white buttoned-down shirt, though by now without the jacket, and the shirt sleeves rolled up to his elbows.

You were infinitely exhausted. But one thing had become clear to you over the past few weeks.

“Thank you. Thank you for today, and for every day since we met,” you said shakily.

Keep Reading: PART 12

Dean Winchester Masterlist

Main Masterlist

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[emotionallychargedtowel]

Kaito x Stacey: being seen authentically & the value of consent

A little background: Last February, I heard that Sekoguchi Ryo was going to have a significant role on Zettai BL 3 and I got really excited but had nowhere to channel that energy, so I decided to start a sideblog where I’d post one screenshot per day of Stacey, his character from Kikai Sentai Zenkaiger. To keep up my screenshot supply for the blog, I rewatched the series a lot, which led to thinking about the show in a deeper way than I had before. I'd already known I was a fan of the Stacey and Kaito ship, but I hadn’t given much thought to why. All that rewatching helped me develop my thoughts about it more.

I usually write this kind of relationship-focused analysis stuff about BL series. I don’t know if tokusatsu fans want to read this sort of thing about toku shows, or if the folks who read my BL posts would be interested in a relationship analysis about a toku ship. Well, I guess I need to get this out of my system either way, so here goes!

All of the gifs in this post were made by @my-rose-tinted-glasses, who is so generous with her time and considerable skills that, well, I don't know, I'm going to have to knit her a sweater or something. I mean, seriously, how pretty is the gif below? Even if you don't want to read my ramblings, I recommend scrolling through to look at the rest.

Special thanks as well to my sister @porridgefeast for talking through this set of ideas with me.

A very brief overview for the unfamiliar: Kikai Sentai Zenkaiger is a Super Sentai series that ran from early 2021 through early 2022. The lead member of the Zenkaigers—and, as it happens, the only human member—is Goshikida Kaito. (The rest of the team are all Kikainoids, robot-like inorganic beings from a different world that got mixed up with Kaito’s.) Kaito is the quintessential sunshine character. I’ve described him before as “a golden retriever who’s had three espressos," which sums him up fairly well. For my fellow BL-watchers, you'll likely recognize some actors in this post. Kaito is played by Komagine Kiita from 25 ji Akasaka de, and as I mentioned above, the actor who played Stacey, Sekoguchi Ryo, played Hatano in season 3 of Zettai BL. Mashiko Atsuki, of My Personal Weatherman fame, also has a prominent role in this series. But you won't be hearing much about him in this particular discussion.

In the sixth episode of Zenkaiger, an antagonist/antihero character named Stacey is introduced. At first you just know that he’s a hired gun for the Tojitendo (the Zenkaigers’ enemies, a Kikainoid dynasty led by its latest heir, Lord Bokkowaus, which went from being tyrants in their own world to taking over nearly every other world in the multiverse...and in most cases, turning those worlds into small metal gears—but let's not get into that). Stacey turns out to be the half-human son of Barashitara, a senior general in the Tojitendo who Stacey absolutely loathes. We’ll get back to him later on. Instead of being associated with his father, Stacey works for Ijirude, an evil scientist with a senior position in the Tojitendo court.

As the series progresses, Stacey and Kaito get increasingly close and (here comes an incredibly obvious spoiler that anyone could have predicted almost as soon as he was introduced) he eventually becomes one of the good guys. Any sort of romantic relationship between Kaito and Stacey is a matter of subtext during the series itself. (Though the subtext gets pretty strong at times! They even have an angsty heart-to-heart conversation at a playground at night.) In the TV movies and live shows that followed the series, that subtext starts to resemble (and arguably becomes) text. For example, in a DonBrothers movie where they make a (sort of) crossover appearance, Stacey writes Kaito a love letter that gets lost and starts a series of misunderstandings. In one live show, the stage lights go out and then come up again to reveal Kaito lying on the ground with Stacey on top of him. In another, Kaito gives Stacey a butt smack right in front of everybody. But during the series? Their relationship is clearly very important and fraught with emotion, but the show maintains a kind of plausible deniability at all points—there isn’t really anything that happens that the show’s screenwriter, Komura Junko, couldn’t explain by some other means. 

As I said, while I was doing all of that rewatching, I thought a lot about why Kaito’s and Stacey’s relationship meant so much to me despite the fact that it mostly exists as subtext. Part of it is just that I loved Stacey as a character overall and took a liking to both Sekoguchi Ryo, who plays Stacey, and Komagine Kiita, who plays Kaito. But it’s more than that. As I kept going through the rewatch process, I identified some of those reasons—things that make this portrayal of a relationship special. 

It’s a unique take on the time-tested enemies-to-lovers trope (or something like it).

Anyone who has spent any amount of time watching/reading stories that center on love and romance has come across the “enemies to lovers” trope. The relationship between Kaito and Stacey is closely related to the interplay between these two types of relationships, but it’s complicated. If you really want to get specific, it isn’t exactly an enemies-to-lovers story. Rather, I’d describe it as a story about two people, one of whom is trying really hard to be the other’s enemy but failing, and one of whom is trying really hard not to become enemies but keeps getting forced into conflicts with the other. Despite all the pressure he’s under to relate to Stacey as an enemy, Kaito keeps pushing back against taking that role. This pressure not only comes from his friends and compatriots but from Stacey himself. Stacey wants to relate to Kaito as an enemy, but he keeps finding himself helping him, sparing him, even worrying about him in spite of himself. 

Of course, Kaito and Stacey really are enemies in a very real sense. They’re fighting on opposite sides of a war. They try to hurt and/or kill each other on many occasions, including one in which Kaito and his friends succeed and actually kill Stacey. (Soon after, Stacey ends up being revived—an advantage of being half-mechanical is that he can be brought back to life.) 

But when Kaito and Stacey first meet, they don’t know they’re enemies. Even after finding out he works for the Tojitendo, Kaito resists fighting Stacey. In their first battle, he won’t fight or even transform into Zenkaiser (his superpowered suit form) until Stacey gives him no choice. At first, Kaito’s reasons for being friendly to Stacey and holding back from fighting him are a bit superficial. Basically, Stacey looks human, so Kaito is reluctant to do anything that might hurt him, and he keeps thinking that if he talks to him he might be able to get him to come around. (It probably doesn't hurt that he's an adorable twink, either.) Kaito doesn’t usually appear to be biased against Kikainoids, but he does seem to have a bias in favor of Stacey because he’s so human-looking. Thankfully, it isn’t long before his reasons become significantly more complex. For one thing, he starts to find out through stray comments Stacey makes that he's been through a lot of trauma and loss, including the mysterious death of his mother (likely either at the hands of his father or on his orders). 

Stacey also bonds with Kaito’s grandmother Yatsude, who doesn’t realize he’s the Tojitendo soldier who’s been giving her grandson so much trouble (she mishears his name as “Satoshi” when they first meet and he rolls with it). His mom issues draw him to her at first, then her sweet, accepting nature helps them relate to each other in a really meaningful way. Understanding Stacey’s context better and seeing a different side of him through his connection to Yatsude convinces Kaito that Stacey really could be redeemed and brought around to the side of good, and he’s eventually proven right. 

Which brings us to the next thing I appreciate about the relationship between Kaito and Stacey. 

Kaito goes to the trouble of really seeing Stacey, which not only allows him to attend to those times when he shows his authentic self, but also helps him recognize when he's not dealing with the real Stacey.  

Thinking that Stacey is capable of change is a sign that Kaito sees him more clearly than other people do. In this respect, he understands Stacey better than Stacey understands himself, because right up to the point where he switches sides, he sees himself as so irredeemable that joining up with the good guys must be an impossibility. 

But Kaito also has other ways of showing that he really sees Stacey. One of the biggest ways this is shown is through the possession subplot that happens toward the end of the series. A being who claims to be God, the creator of all the parallel worlds, shows up and wants to team up with the Zenkaigers against the Tojitendo. (They eventually admit that they don’t have all that much power beyond the creation and destruction of worlds, hence their need for help from mere mortals.) This God can only communicate with people by possessing someone’s body, and when it’s time to get in contact with the Zenkaigers, they choose Stacey’s. But they don’t identify themselves at first—they just pretend to be Stacey instead. 

When God is pretending to be Stacey, some of the differences in their behavior are obvious to everyone. But Kaito is the most observant by far of the disparity between Stacey’s current behavior (really God’s) and his usual way of acting. 

The most noticeable difference at first is that Stacey is smiling, which is very out of character for him. He’s also acting unusually flirty and cute. “Is it me or is he extra cutesy today?” one of Kaito’s teammates observes. It’s true. He speaks in a slightly higher register than usual, enunciates words differently, and he keeps tilting his head and slowly blinking at Kaito in a flirty way. 

(In an interview with Komagine and Sekoguchi translated by @mirai-e-jump here, Sekoguchi talks about first receiving a script in which he would play God. As his interviewer points out, the stage direction for the script instructed him to read the lines "sweetly." Sekoguchi says that he didn't know what to make of it at first, but it got him thinking about gender presentation and led him to decide to try to portray God in a gender-neutral way.)

In addition to God's flirty, "sweet" manner, Kaito notes that this version of Stacey is too easygoing, too ready to cooperate with others. When God first appears, the villain-of-the-week is called Headwind World. They put a sort of curse on the Zenkaigers that makes it so that no matter which direction they turn, they're always buffeted by a strong headwind. Discussing how different Stacey seems and his claim to want to join the team, Kaito says:

Maybe....If it’s the truth, I’ll be full power* happy! But something seems off to me....Whenever I’ve talked to Stacey, he was never like that. He tends to be more…sorta…Yeah! He’s a lot like this headwind! *Kaito's catchphrase is "zenryoku zenkai," which means "full power" or "full throttle" and is the source of the Zenkaiger's team name.

God-in-Stacey's-body makes things too easy. Trying to work with the real Stacey is like walking against the wind. And as challenging as that is, Kaito would rather work with the real Stacey than this flirty, easygoing impostor.

Later in the episode, when they fight side-by-side against Barashitara, “Stacey” seems to find him entertaining. The real Stacey could never find humor in the things Barashitara does. After all, he’s his abusive father and probably murdered his mother. After this fight, “Stacey” suggests that everyone should trust him now that he’s demonstrated his willingness to fight on their side. Kaito responds:

I still don’t get it. You’re not the Stacey I know. If Stacey was fighting Barashitara, he wouldn’t have been like that. He’d be more prickly and less compromising. He’d say stuff like “Stay out of this!” or “This is my battle!” Stacey’s feelings toward Barashitara aren’t like that. 

“Stacey” tries to play it off, but is clearly frustrated by his skepticism. But Kaito doesn’t waver. His facial expressions and body language in this scene are really noteworthy. His face looks stern. He looks at Stacey fixedly, seldom blinking, and his hands are balled up into fists at his sides. This is really out of the ordinary for him—he's typically friendly to a fault. It's unusual for him to even look this way at an enemy. But it won't be the last time his affect looks this way around God.

Kaito is the first to realize that this person who appears to be Stacey isn’t really him. Explaining to others—both his teammates and God themselves—how he knew this gives him an opportunity to show the audience how well he knows Stacey, how much he has observed about his personality. But that’s not the only way in which the theme of being seen shows up. 

One of the ways Kaito sees Stacey authentically is by noticing and acknowledging his deeply painful experiences with trauma and loss. Despite pressures to the contrary, Stacey eventually does the same for Kaito. 

Stacey goes through quite a process to get to the point where he can acknowledge that Kaito has had his own difficult history and continues to struggle in ways he can relate to. When he first meets Kaito, he fights him but claims it’s “nothing personal"—but that changes quickly. The second time they interact, they have a conversation in which Kaito wrongly assumes that Barashitara is helping Stacey and that he's doing so out of parental concern. Naturally, given how far this is from the truth, this is makes Stacey extremely angry. He retaliates by needling Kaito about his missing parents. He mentions the possibility that, given their apparent involvement with the Tojitendo, they could be “lying dead in a ditch somewhere, just like [his] mother.” Then he decides to twist the knife a bit more. “Maybe they weren’t kidnapped, but they abandoned you! Like Barashitara did to me.”

Kaito responds by passionately defending his parents and insisting that they would never do that to him. Kaito's faith in his parents infuriates Stacey. He feels envious and bitter because the only parent he could believe in is long dead and his father was never worthy of his trust. Kaito’s defense of his parents pushes all of these buttons and more and Stacey becomes enraged. He tells Kaito that fighting him is no longer “nothing personal.”

Later in the series, the shift in how they relate to each other is both illustrated and deepened when Bon World (a villain-of-the-week based on a Japanese holiday) becomes the latest adversary to try to take over Zenkaitopia. Bon World causes characters’ ancestors to return from the dead to visit them. Stacey gets a particularly surprising and poignant visit from his mother, Lise. At first he doesn’t trust that she really is who she purports to be, but eventually he’s convinced. He gets to spend a little bit of time with her after their years apart.  

But like a lot of the Worlds the Zenkaigers fight, Bon World’s powers have a two-step effect. First, they bring back ancestors. After a while, these ancestors snap and start going after their descendants, trying to kill them—including Stacey’s mother.

When the ancestors manifested by Bon World start to turn homicidal, the Zenkaigers have their hands full. Zyuran’s great-grandfather turns on him at the same time the Goldtsuikers are attacked by their grandfather. Kaito’s friends need him! But he leaves, trusting them to handle the situation themselves, so that he can come to Stacey’s aid. Why? Because he has a realization during their fight. One of the people he has to battle is Hakaiser, a Tojitendo “experimental soldier” who Kaito has recently learned is actually his brainwashed and physically altered father, Goshikida Isao. He tells Hakaiser he understands why it’s so upsetting for the others to have to fight their ancestors because he’s being forced to fight his own dad. This causes him to remember that one of the returned ancestors was Stacey’s mother. He asks Hakaiser where Stacey is and they both rush to his aid (with Kaito in Super Zenkaiser mode). 

After he comes to Stacey’s rescue, the rest of the Zenkaigers defeat Bon World and the ancestors all disappear. Stacey asks Kaito why he would come to his rescue. After all, they’re enemies. Kaito tells him, “I knew that you and your mom would both hate this happening.” Here’s what I think he means. It’s obviously a bad thing to be visited by an ancestor who tries to kill you. That was true for everyone who had that experience because of Bon World. But for Stacey, seeing his mother again and then having her attack him involved a whole other level of pain and trauma. It was deeply triggering and a terrible insult not only to Stacey’s memory of his mother but also his mother’s love for him. Kaito could see this from Stacey’s perspective as well as Lise’s. For Kaito, this meant that this particular instance of an ancestor attacking someone was a bigger deal than the others and required a more urgent response. But it wouldn’t have been quite so urgent if it weren't for the fact that Stacey means something to Kaito. 

Stacey is profoundly touched by Kaito’s actions and what he told him about his reasons for helping him. This moment ends up being a big turning point in their relationship. This isn’t just because Kaito helped Stacey (though he did) or because he was kind to him (though he was). It’s also because Kaito showed a remarkable degree of sensitivity and understanding in realizing what this experience meant for Stacey. He showed that he paid close attention to things he had learned from and about Stacey, viewed those things as important, and took them into account. I think it’s also clear that as someone whose parents disappeared when he was a kid, Kaito has a better understanding of the loss Stacey has experienced than other people would. And of course, it matters that Kaito prioritized helping Stacey even though his teammates and allies were facing similar challenges.

Stacey ends up keeping Kaito’s experiences in mind and acting on them in a similar way. The biggest example of this is his decision to stand aside while Kaito deprograms his father, Hakaiser/Goshikida Isao. Hakaiser had been Stacey's friend prior to that point, something exceedingly rare in his experience. In fact, Hakaiser may well be the first friend Stacey ever had. It helped that despite his brainwashing, Hakaiser retained a lot of Goshikida Isao’s warm, optimistic, Kaito-esque personality. Hakaiser quickly became really important to Stacey. So when he learned that Hakaiser was really Goshikida Isao, he felt conflicted because his concern for both Kaito and Yatsude pulled him in one direction while his desire to keep his friend pulled him in the other. At first, Stacey turned his back on the Goshikidas in favor of keeping Hakaiser in his life. But once Kaito protects him from his mother's ghost, Stacey can’t keep that up for long. And he doesn't just stand aside during the Zenkaiger's deprogramming efforts. He also leaks data to the Goldtsuikers that helps the team to safely extricate Hakaiser from a giant mecha superweapon he’s controlling (without which the team would have been forced to either endanger Isao or risk countless human beings getting hurt or killed). Naturally, this also means helping the good guys to take the giant mecha out of commission—a blatant act of treason against the Tojitendo.

Stacey doesn’t say much about why he decides to let Goshikida Isao go. But he makes it clear that he sees how unjust and hypocritical it would be to keep Hakaiser around at Kaito’s expense while decrying the way his father took his mother away from him. It's also apparent that the bond he's formed with Yatsude and Kaito plays a role. 

To go from resenting Kaito's faith in his parents to helping Kaito get his father back involves a lot of growth. Just as earlier, the differences in their respective situations angered Stacey, the similarities between them eventually lead him to shift toward helping Kaito rather than hurting him. 

Now I'm going to circle back to the possession storyline to talk about some of its other implications.

The possession storyline allows Kaito to show how much he values consent and bodily autonomy—particularly Stacey's.

Remember how Kaito suspected immediately that the possessed version of Stacey wasn’t really him? An episode and change later, Kaito and the rest of the Sentai finally find out that Stacey is being possessed by God. Kaito doesn’t say much about this when it's first revealed to him, but his eyes are glued to God-in-Stacey’s-body and he turns stone-faced again. He remains like this for the rest of their conversation, while God aims more head-tilting and slow-blinking his way.

The next time they confer with the Zenkaigers, God is in a hurry to get them to agree to work together. But Kaito says there’s something else he needs them to address before that can happen. He asks God what happens to Stacey when they’re possessing his body. Their answer is disturbingly flippant: “His consciousness takes a little nap.” Then he asks God if they have Stacey’s consent to do this. “Do I really need it? When I’m a God?” they ask contemptuously. That’s when Kaito tells them that he can’t trust someone who would use another person's body without their permission, so they won’t be able to work together—unless God sets Stacey free. He offers to let God possess him instead in order to communicate with the group, and the other Zenkaigers chime in to say they’ll volunteer as well. God agrees to this and leaves Stacey’s body for the last time. 

Consent isn’t a common theme in tokusatsu, at least not in any of the shows I’ve seen so far. I don’t know of another toku show that's had an entirely analogous possession story, but it’s not uncommon to see some kind of variation on this theme. Ankh from Kamen Rider OOO is an ancient supernatural being who possesses the body of a random young man on the verge of death, Ryotaro from Kamen Rider Den-O is possessed by a whole cadre of beings from the future at different points in the series, Wataru from Kamen Rider Kiva is briefly possessed by his own father, Otoya, and I have no doubt that there are other examples I'm not thinking of or just haven't come across yet. I've seen the moral implications of possession get some degree of attention in these shows, but I’ve never seen consent foregrounded in this way. (That said, I haven’t seen the entirety of either Den-O or OOO, and there are plenty of other series I haven’t seen, so there may well be examples I’m not aware of.) 

It helps that consent doesn’t just come up in an implied way, in the background, or on its own. Instead, Kaito brings it up specifically and intentionally. The plot is racing along toward the climax of the series at this point. It would be easier for Kaito to allow God to continue to gloss over the question of Stacey’s consent. It certainly would have been easier for Komura Junko, the show's screenwriter, to skip over this question. She could have just used God as her story’s deus ex machina (no pun intended) without exploring the deeper implications.

It’s fitting that Kaito’s insistence on Stacey’s consent comes up in the form of an interruption that stops the forward momentum of the story, because when people are ignoring important consent issues and someone has to speak up about it, it’s often seen as an unwelcome interruption of things that are viewed as more important. Bringing up consent in those situations means bringing other matters to a halt and raising uncomfortable topics that others have tacitly agreed to ignore. As with so many important issues that we need to speak up about in our daily lives, raising the subject of consent is often intensely awkward. When Kaito brings it up, God is surprised and clearly put out, and it means the story has to take a detour before the Zenkaigers can defeat Bokkowaus with God’s help. Kaito doesn’t let any of this stop him, though. He understands how important it is. Even though collaborating with God is by far the best chance the Zenkaigers have of overthrowing Bokkowaus and saving the multiverse, he holds fast and insists that he’ll only work with God if they stop possessing Stacey without his consent. 

It's worth noting another context in which consent comes up in the series, and that is the portrayal of Stacey's late mother, Lise, and her relationship with his father, Barashitara. Lise was Barashitara's 893rd "wife." I'm using scare quotes here because while we don't know the details of how Lise ended up tied to Barashitara and bearing his child, there's no particular reason to believe she consented to the relationship and a number of indications that she didn't. When she appears again in ghost form, he refers to her having always been "feisty," which seems like code for "didn't just let me do whatever I wanted without any resistance." She, on the other hand, seems to hold him in contempt. In Komura Junko's current series, Kamen Rider Gavv, the protagonist's human mother is kept prisoner by a non-human father who refers to her as if they're in a relationship despite her protests that she never sought or consented to a relationship with him. This seems like a more explicit version of what was implied about Stacey's mother in Zenkaiger.

Stacey obviously has strong feelings about the way his mother was treated. When Barashitara reaches for her, commenting on how he's never been with a ghost before (and implying he'd be up for changing that), Stacey hurries over to pull his hand off of her and rushes her out of the room after yelling at Barashitara to keep his hands off of her. Again, Stacey's human mother and Kikainoid father could have been used as a plot device without digging any deeper into the nature of their relationship, but this series not only doesn't avoid the subject, it makes a point of commenting on it.

The themes of consent and seeing/being seen end up working together in a way that undercuts the ship in some superficial respects but ends up emphasizing what really makes it special. 

I mentioned earlier how one of the first clues that God isn’t really Stacey is their facial expressions, speech, and other ways of communicating with others. Well, they continue smiling, speaking in a cutesy voice, and doing flirty mannerisms—and the biggest recipient of these gestures is Kaito. They also call Kaito by his given name, something Stacey doesn't do until the series' penultimate episode. When you add it all together, they’re pretty clearly flirting with him. 

Some stories would take this as an opportunity to develop the ship between Kaito and Stacey. If God-in-Stacey’s-body flirts with Kaito, you could easily arrange things so that this helps him recognize or develop an attraction to Stacey that continues when the possession has ended. (It’s certainly been done before in other shows.) Any possession or body swap story is going to be partly about contrasts—that’s a big part of their purpose—but they can still foment changes that continue when everyone gets their own bodies back. Basically, if Stacey is too conflicted to flirt with Kaito, well, God can do it for him. It works in the other direction, too. If there are things Kaito would do with Stacey if he weren’t so considerate of his feelings, if someone else is walking around in his body, suddenly different possibilities appear.  (And yes, I think some version of all these possibilities could be done even if the ship remained at a subtext level.)

There’s just one problem: Kaito may not figure out for certain that God isn’t Stacey right away, but within moments of meeting them, he’s 95% there. They can’t make him see Stacey in a different way if he doesn’t believe they’re him at least for a while. He isn't even open to relating to them in a positive way. It really is remarkable just how unfriendly he is to God-in-Stacey’s-body considering how friendly he always is to almost everyone else. And when they flirt with him? He’s not into it in the slightest. In fact, it just pisses him off.

Another thing about possession stories is that they can be a way for writers to cheat to get characters—well, close facsimiles of them who are mistaken for them by other characters—to do things they couldn’t justify otherwise. But Kaito refuses to let this happen. He gets suspicious of God almost as soon as they show up, he begins to grow hostile toward them even before he has fully processed the truth about their identity, and once he’s had a chance to think about the situation, he takes his next opportunity to refuse to work with God unless they set Stacey free as soon as possible. 

By having the hero of the story behave in this way, Zenkaiger prioritizes consent and, by extension, the individual right to bodily autonomy. It prioritizes consent over ship advancement, over plot advancement, even over getting the danged heroes into the evil overlord’s castle so they can have their big showdown. There are moments where it’s on the verge of becoming annoying. As TV viewers, especially if we’re habitual tokusatsu watchers, we’re pretty used to possession plotlines of this type. When they start making things happen, we get caught up in escalating events. Having someone like Kaito suddenly show up and say, “Wait a second, is Stacey OK with this?” feels like a weirdly abrupt interruption. 

It reminds me a bit of something Kathleen Hanna from the band Bikini Kill says in The Punk Singer, a documentary about her life. She says that speaking out about sexual violence often results in a "who farted" moment—one in which a group is collectively uncomfortable and looking for someone to blame, generally the person who mentioned a taboo subject like sexual violence. 

Kaito fearlessly embraces a “who farted” moment when he asks about Stacey’s consent or lack thereof. Of course he does—that’s who he is. A principled, morally rigorous guy who would rather be cringe as fuck than hurt someone unnecessarily. It’s no wonder he’s able to turn the “demon prince of the Tojitendo” to the side of good…and even get him to write him love letters. 

In other words, by refusing to exploit the possession storyline for a cheap version of ship development, Komura Junko develops the Kaito x Stacey ship even more, and more meaningfully. 

Could this storyline have been written by the typical cishet dude tokusatsu screenwriter?

It seems noteworthy that this choice was made by one of the few women to have held a head writer position on a toku series. Of course, women are not the only people who care about consent and bodily autonomy, just as they aren't the only people who are subjected to their bodily autonomy being compromised and their right to refuse consent ignored. But women, people who are perceived as women, and men who don't fit into a normative cishet image are more likely to have such experiences than cishet men and thus more likely to find such themes salient, so it would make sense if a woman writer was more likely to include them in a series than the (ostensibly) cishet men who make up the vast majority of tokusatsu screenwriters.

I would argue that the importance of being authentically seen is also particularly salient for many women and that this may have played into the way Komura weaves that theme into the Kaito and Stacey story. Women and people perceived to be women tend to experience a great deal of objectification, and being authentically seen and acknowledged is basically the opposite of objectification.

I recently ran into Martha Nussbaum's typology of objectification for the first time and it turns out that it applies to God's possession of Stacey remarkably well. In the interest of time and length, I'll leave it at that for now, but I'll probably talk about in a separate post at some point. Suffice it to say that God's treatment of Stacey illustrates a number of the facets of objectification Nussbaum lays out. So what does this have to do with the Kaito and Stacey ship? It comes back to my point about how the show presents the possession storyline with all of its potential for ship development and has Kaito refuse to engage with any of it out of concern for Stacey. This makes God a kind of foil for Kaito that gives him the opportunity to show that his interest in Stacey isn't based on objectification.

So there you have it. There are plenty of reasons to appreciate the Kaito x Stacey ship without digging into issues like these. The characters are interesting, affecting, and fun. Their personalities fit together in a classic cinnamon roll/tsundere way. The actors have great chemistry with each other. But the way the story treats these concerns, which I contend is colored by the different perspective Komura Junko brings to toku based on her gender, is part of what makes it particularly special.

[oozedninjas]

Not a request just curious. What is your opinion on Raph? For 03 and 12 since I know you like him in the bay movies and 07.

I love all his versions! If Raph has one fan, it's me; if he has zero fans, I'm dead. I would defend him in absolutely everything. I will be there for him in his good and bad times!!

Jokes aside, Raph is always the 'hot-tempered' one, but in every version, he's loyal, brave, self-reliant, and soft at heart. He truly loves his family!

However, there’s always something about his character that I don’t quite love—it's when his anger goes too far, mostly because he struggles to manage his emotions. For instance, in the 2012 version, he was much rougher with Mikey, to the point where it sometimes felt more like outright bullying than playful brotherly teasing, at least in my opinion. At times, his temper came across as more rude than anything else. While I haven’t rewatched the show in a while, that was the impression I had when I first saw it.

Same goes for the 2003 version, and this is more of a ramble since the last time I rewatched the series was around 2021, but Raph was still pretty rough with Mikey here, too. However, 2003 Mikey was a lot cheekier and knew how to handle him better, so it didn’t stand out as much. Plus, this Raph was like the embodiment of recklessness. Still, he could read situations better, tone it down, and stop when asked or reasoned with—unlike the 2012 version, who, in my opinion, was more stubborn.

Jumping to 2018, I think Rise Raph is such a refreshing take on his character! He’s always looked out for his brothers, protected them, and had his caring moments in other versions, but here we get 'full-on mama hen' Raph, and I love it! This Raph is unapologetically tender and kind, hesitant to say anything that might hurt others, and much more mindful of the impact his words could have. He's just a little too silly, your honor.

Anyway, yeah, I love him in every version, but the 2007 Raph is my absolute favorite! I won’t even get into that because I might end up writing a whole essay, lol.

[qilingxiong]

四樓的天堂 | Heaven on the 4th Floor (2021)

One drama has crept into my life during the last days of 2024 to become my favourite one I've watched this year, and I barely know how to start talking about it. But let's give this a go anyways.

Heaven on the 4th Floor (四樓的天堂) is a Taiwanese drama starring Anthony Wong, Hsieh Ying-xuan, and Fandy Fan. I would call it mostly slice-of-life with some melodrama, as there's no strongly focused overarching plot. Rather, it follows a cast of characters and the struggles/hurdles in their lives they have to face, all of whom are helped/guided by the something all of them have in common— seeing a tuina masseuse named Tianyi (Anthony Wong).

I don't quite know how to describe the way this show develops, as everyone's arcs separate and overlap at different times, but I would say Heaven at its core is about healing. First and foremost about healing the relationship one has with their body and oneself, but also those with other people, with the past, and with the present-day world around someone. There's some interesting juxtaposition between the physical healing Tianyi can offer his clients, and the mental healing Hsieh Ying-xuan's psychologist character provides for her own, with a look at how one cannot do the work of the other. Some characters are recurring throughout the show, others you get to watch take a step forward in the span of one episode, but eventually, no one remains where they were at the beginning.

The character who has the most growth throughout all this, in my opinion, is Fandy Fan's Yuzhou, a young graffiti artist. It's by meeting Tianyi that he gradually manages to stop hiding from the past, but also start looking with hope toward a future, and find a way to be better in tune with himself, his body, and the art he creates.

Aside from healing, Heaven is also about loss, and how someone reckons with it. Past loss (the disappearance of one's loved ones, the yearning for something you never got to have), present/recent loss (the death of a family member, the ending of a relationship), and loss that inevitably lies ahead (the destruction of one's home and the fight to resist it, even if it's all in vain). Characters war with their grief and are forced to find ways to release and gradually accept it, and while my heart ached for different people at different points in time, it was beautiful to watch.

I cannot stress enough that with all this combined, Heaven is one of the most cathartic pieces of media I've ever seen. I cried an unexpected number of times, from the beginning of the show to the end, and it was never, ever in a bad way. The three leads especially did a truly incredible job bringing the viewer into their lives, taking them along for the emotional ride, and I wish all the actors had won awards for that (only one of them did, but she truly deserved it).

Production-wise, I also adore the quality of this show. It's somehow very soothing to watch, visually, and the accompanying soundtrack made me tear up several times. I had to shake myself out of a daze every time I took a break from watching; it both felt like I'd run a marathon, but also had been sitting still, head quiet, and had had someone tell me not to worry about anything else in the world for a while. (It also made me feel more physically present in my body. My shoulders haven't been un-tense in years, and I think thanks to Heaven I'm going to have to do something about that.)

In addition, this isn't the main focus of the show, but queerness is worked into it in wonderfully ordinary ways. There's more than one queer character and a trans character who show up in this, and one protagonist who is either heavily coded as or possibly explicitly aroace spectrum, depending on how much you read into it. Her arc ended up being one of my favourites; the show deals with her relationships lining up with aroace experiences in a way I haven't really seen onscreen before.

Overall, I'm absolutely going to rewatch Heaven in the future, when I feel that I need to return to that story. If you want a grounded, very character-driven show to get gently lost in for a while, this is it.

(Though admittedly, I know this drama definitely isn't going to be for everyone. It's a little bit sleepy-going, and not everyone is interested in or is braced to deal with the emotions of the story. Normally even I'm not, but here I am. However, if you're interested, here's the trailer for Heaven on the 4th Floor:

And I don't tend to do this, but I'm also going to toss out two tracks that sound how this show feels, to me: In My Breath Again from the soundtrack of After Yang, and 披星戴月的想你 by Accusefive. Sit with those for a while and see what you think, if it helps you decide whether to watch or not.)

Note: Unless you have Taiwanese Netflix, you're gonna have to jump on the pirate ship to find this show. However, as far as I'm aware there have never been English subtitles made for it on any site, so if you can't read the Traditional Chinese in the episode raws, then you may have to sit this one out for the time being.)

[mimpinightmare]

Fandom question aaaaa:

What moment in Supa Strikas & Rookie Season made you fangirl the hardest?

OH??? A Supa Strikas Fandom Question???

FOR MEEEEE????~~~

(Thank you @alsoamalthia for the fandom question! You're like... the first person to ask me, in my 'Ask Me Anything Box'-)

"What moment in Supa Strikas & Rookie Season made you fangirl the hardest?"

OH GOD! WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN TO EXPLAIN MYSELF FOR THIS FRANCHISE?? BECAUSE THERE SO MANY- (So I hope me having multiple answers is fine-)

(Tad bit' Spoilers for Rookie Season in some of the Questions- Nothing grand or anything for the plot, just things mention in Rookie Season)

Well, for starters, one of the things that make FANGIRL, REAL HARD is just seeing the Supa Strikas boys, or any of the Super League team players having tender moments, like just hanging out or having a bro moment together. Multiple times in show makes me 'heart warmed' by just seeing Supa Strikas just being there for each other.

Like, in "Own Ghoul S3E3", where Big Bo was bothered by his past and terrified to tell the guys what went down between him and Spike Dawson, but Dancing Rasta and the others ensured him they're be there for him. Or something like in "Man in the Iron Tank Mask S5E2", where Klaus was insecure being in the roll of a Supa Strikas player, that he thinks he needs to become a Superhero to prove himself to be someone. And the guys were REALLY SUPPORTIVE in that moment! Dancing Rasta saying Klaus is always a hero every time he plays soccer with them, and North making a point that Iron Tank is TERRIFIED of Klaus' skills, that they need to think of a plan to stop him. (When I watched this episode, I was REALLY WORRIED how will it end, because Klaus mostly is the center of the joke in most episodes and I was scared the others might blame his ego or self-doubt for his actions, which Klaus is the episode CLEARLY needs some words of affirmation and support from the guys. I'm glad they Validated him in the end! :D ) And in "The Perfect Match S7E8" when Shakes got dogpiled from the guys and Dancing Rasta says "Teammates are closest of all!". Like, THAT'S CUTE! YOU CAN'T TELL ME THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU AT LEAST SMILE!!! Sure, the guys sometimes bicker and fight, I'm not denying that, but when they do have a moment, IT'S THE SWEETEST THING!! I SQUEALED INTERNALLY AT THEM BEING BROS!!

There's not alot of 'Bro Moments' when it comes to the other teams (Is mostly either Technicalli or Iron Tank, although Iron Tank's 'Bro Moments' are mostly insulting each other-) But when it happens, it makes me happy. :) Like, pick ANY Technicalli episode around 'Season 3' to 'Rookie Season', there's chances of the guys are supporting each other, despite Toni Vern's treatment towards them. There's also this really short moment in "Dooma's Day S3E13" I really like, where Skarra scored for the team and Automatic, Dingaan and Dooma was celebrating with him. And you can clearly see Skarra wasn't sure how to feel at the moment, by he gives in and joins with them. I know it's short and in the end of the episode, there's havoc ensuing. But when I rewatched the episode, that's the few moments I saw from Skarra actually seems like he feels loved and fits in (without being a 'Bad Boy'). Especially knowing more of the context from 'Rookie Season', he probably never had something endearment in a long time since 'Rookie Season'... It's not much, but I take moments like these to HEART! ✨💜💛💜💛💜💛💜✨

Other than that, I get REALLY excited when there's little scene where you can miss them if you weren't paying close enough intention. And sometimes it cause me to speculate VERY DAMN SCENE IN THE SHOW- (But it's fun! Never regret this mind of mine~)

Like... DID YOU KNOW, in "How To Get a Header, In the Super League S3E8", there's a brief moment where North Shaw has a Barka FC jersey WITH HIM???? When I first notice that back in 2021, I thought to myself:

"BRO, WHO GAVE YOU THAT JERSEY?! WHICH BARKA FC PLAYER GIVE YOU THAT??!! I NEED TO KNOW!"

Like I was feuding with that particular scene in general- 😭😭

Or that short scene in "Broken Record S6E7" where LIQUIDO IS SHAKING SHAKES' HAND???? LIQUIDO IS SHOWING GOOD SPORTSMANSHIP?!?!?! I JUST KNEW THIS LIKE 2 WEEKS AGO?!?!?!?!!?

And this little scene in "Live and Kicking S4E3" where you can briefly see 'Rock Rockin' Howar' (not sure how to spell his name-) the Motivational Trainer back in "Dribbler on the Roof S3E10" where he works for Sheik. Now he's working FOR MS. ALTIVO??!!??!! I guess he's meant to work with powerful people-

Speaking of Speculating, I've been analyzing non-stop with this show- I love just thinking of ideas that would fit into the context it was given to the audience and I just analyze it, piece by piece, like not a sane person-

Like in "Hypno-Test S2E10", where Rasta claims him and 'Old Chuck T. Chipperson go WAY back!' And I NEVER BROUGHT UP AGAIN??!??! So, were they teammates before they join the Super League?? Were they Colleagues??? (YOU CAN'T PUT THAT IN THERE AND NOT TELL US, WRITERS!!! 😭) I've been fixated by that piece of dialogue for AWHILE-

Also, in "Score To Settle RS E6" where it shows Thor being all emotional, singing about his feelings and got angry when he caught off side- So, it's canon then? Thor has been struggling with, not only his anger issues, but also his masculinity. I've always thought that Thor is the softest one out of the buff guys, and was struggling with his gentler side because of the hyper-masculinity environment in Iron Tank. (Hope in the future, if there will be more seasons being made, I like to see Thor embracing his soft side, like the CHAD HE IS! >:D )

And in "Total Replay S5E12" where when Shakes (and then Supa Strikas as a team) was playing against Legendary Football Players in the simulation, every football team (even Colossus FC) have a player to represent them... EXCEPT FOR 'INVINCIBLE UNTED'.

Huh, I WONDER 'WHY'???~

(There's seen Invincible United' flags from the audience in the simulation, but I double checked that there's indeed, no 'Invincible United player' there.)

("COACH! VINCE! You have some EXPLAING to do!")

(This is just an excuse to tell you my thought process~ :)))) )

(OKAY, THIS IS THE LAST ONE, AND I'M DONE RAMBLING-) Other things that make me Fangirl HARDDDD, is Dingaan. Short answer-

LONG ANSWER is that I just LOVE THIS MAN WITH ALL MY HEART!!! When I came back to the fandom this May this year, I really thought Klaus would be my favorite (HE STILL IS, JUST NEXT TO DINGAAN-). But, MAN! That guy grab my attention. I've always have a soft spot for him back in 2021, BUT I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT CAME OVER ME TO HAVE SUCH A FIXIATION OVER HIM NOW-

Maybe is the silliness he brings when he shows up on screen? Maybe is because deep down his a 'Heart of Gold' Guy, who so happens to be in a very antagonistic team.

Or maybe I relate to him in a personal level, where he shows signs of neurodivergence and people around him would take advantage of that and his kindness. And when they're finished with him, they will think he's stupid for following their plans and use his loyalty to gain more benefits for themselves. And will underestimate him because of his "stupidity", when actuality he's more capable than people would realize. And also gets ridiculed for being himself and his interests because they think is "stupid" or "silly". And deep down he is actual a sweet guy and wouldn't hurt a fly, but unfortunately under circumstances, he could only obey under the abusive hierarchy in the system he is in. And the only thing he can show to people is his 'Aggressiveness", that is also been taught to him, under that hierarchy, and is semi-rewards him if he follows it accordingly, next to 'Doing your job Right'. But they won't award his achievements, because the system is meant to make you inferior than the HigherUps. And Dingaan is trap, probably not knowing, he himself is not going to be seen as equal to them because of his status and neurodivergence, and will punish him if he slips once. And when he shows him being himself, he will get punish, because being his neurodivergent self is not the standard in the system and they will "correct" him, like they want him to be.

.... No idea why I like him so much, but HE'S MY BEAUTIFUL BOY, AND I WOULD PROTECT AND DEFEND HIM IN MY HONOUR! (I will one day make a Analysis Post dedicated to Dingaan. YOU'LL SEE!!)

I know I don't talk about him much here, and only show drawings of him here, like 3 times. But behind the scenes, he's the few things when it comes to Supa Strikas is on my mind. And I've grown appreciation for Dingaan as days goes by. He's on my mind SO MUCH, I rewatch episodes of Supa Strikas he's BARELY IN- (NO, LITERALLY!! I rewatched "On Klaus Inspection S6E8" so many times, JUST TO SEE DINGAAN AT THE END- AND IT'S A KLAUS FOCUS EPISODE😭😭😭) (I still see the episode for Klaus, but is MOSTLY for Dingaan- 🏃‍♂️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♂️🏃‍♀️)

(EDIT, BEFORE I FORGET-) Credit:

(I think I should credit where I got Dingaan's Full name from and the reason I'm full of happiness to know his full name now-)

Credit to @strika-archyvez for finding it out and sharing Dingaan's full name to the world!

As well as @yanxioustrikas for making a dedicated 'Invincible United Headcanon' Post of it, sharing canon names of the players and her Headcanons of them as well. Please CHECKOUT Part 2 of her 'Invincible United Headcanon' Post. As well checkout her other parts of the series! :)

⁓⁑⁓⁑⁓⁑⁓⁑⁓⁑⁓⁑⁓⁑⁓⁑⁓⁑⁓⁑⁓⁑⁓⁑⁓⁑⁓⁑⁓⁑⁓⁑⁓⁑⁓⁑⁓⁑⁓⁑⁓⁑⁓⁑⁓⁑⁓⁑⁓⁑⁓⁑⁓⁑⁓⁑⁓⁑⁓⁑⁓⁑⁓⁑⁓⁑⁓⁑⁓⁑⁓⁑⁓⁑⁓⁑⁓⁑⁓⁑⁓⁑⁓⁑⁓⁑⁓⁑⁓⁑⁓⁑⁓⁑⁓⁑

AND I'M DONE- DEAR GOD, This took 3 hours- Thank you again to @alsoamalthia for the fandom question! It was really FUN writing this!! (AND I'M SOOOO SORRY FOR NOT ANSWERING SOONER FOR 2 WEEKS- 😭😭 I was busy at the time and was working on another Supa Strikas related work that I'm also writing. Was burned out from the writing that I need to find my groove again-)

If you finished reading this far, thank you for the patience to read this LONG post. Maybe, I got ALITTLE carried away with the answers, when it's just a simple question- Regardless, hope you had fun reading this, and hope you have a great day and tomorrow!!

Thank you again for reading!!!

(EDIT: I think I misread the question.... DAMN MY UNDIAGNOSED NEURODIVERGENCE!!!)

- MimpiNightmare

[mybrainproblems]

hello, i'm finales georg...

i don't want to further clutter up the notes on this post while responding to the tags below but the persistence of the "finale is short/scenes are missing/extra ad break” conspiracies drives me absolutely bananas when i've watched the finale ten times and have posted about this A LOT trying to clear things up. (disclaimer that yes, i'm a goddamn destiel shipper but i care about Facts above all.)

ok but this is weird because i'd swear the episode was shorter (11 missing scenes!) but okay. maybe we all mandela effected ourselves into #beleving that. because it felt shorter. but i will die on the hill that it had another ad break. i understand this person has the thing #recorded with ads so i am thinking maybe different ad breaks in different idk time zones??? #because the finale did air an hour earlier in canada so maybe idk i am reaching here but maybe different states or whatever had different #ad breaks??? as for the last minute changes - wasn't the cover band asked for permission to use their version of carry on like a week before #the thing aired??? so even if the episode was 42 minutes and had no additional ad break - which i am side eying but lets say all was normal #i will always say they were changing thing until the absolute last minute (carry on my wayward son X 2 #the crew on the bridge which is not only giant 4th wall breaking but also wow they really got all those people in one place in times of #covid???) #anyway. tinfoil hat stays on sorry guys :/ (via @officialmisha)

short and snarky: there are plenty of real and sourced examples of network homophobia and scripted/directed destiel scenes being cut to point to. we don’t need to make this stuff up just bc the finale wasn’t what we wanted. so it’s not the mandela effect — it’s ppl repeating a conspiracy/rumor bc it supports their narrative and it’s easier and more fun to repeat something that supports a narrative they already believe (misha or something destiel was cut) vs the boring act of fact checking.

longer circumspect answer with links bc like many ppl i am in my debunking era and i rewatched "roblox_oof" last night.

like i said. i've watched the finale ten times. i’ve gone over the episode with a fine toothed comb and posted a detailed breakdown of timing marks on my blog. it’s actually extremely obvious where the ad breaks are once you know roughly where to look for them (they have a longer fade to black instead of a quick cut scene change). there’s no room for extra ad breaks and i think this conspiracy/rumor persists in part bc the episode feels so sparse in terms of cast and the fact that the episode’s momentum hits a barn post (and rebar) less than 20min into an hour-long programming block.

also i’m begging ppl to actually look at that timing mark post. it’s very straightforward and i spent a lot of time on it. i don’t care if ppl plagiarize it at this point if it means this conspiracy stops. i've got almost every second accounted for.

the "eleven missing scenes" that you're thinking of are probably from the finale script of questionable authenticity that @spnscripthunt acquired back in 2021 which can be found here. it's dated as the “final draft” from 11 sep 2020 and filming on 15x20 wrapped on 10 sep 2020. as noted at the bottom of this superwiki page "[the] script came from someone claiming to have been the person who did the closed captions for the show in Russia. There are some indications that it possibly may not be authentic, but this has not been confirmed."

if we go with the possibility that this was a transcript meant for subtitles, the "omitted" scenes were probably written but never filmed since it's the "final draft" and not a color revision (blue, green, yellow, etc). unfortunately, i’ve lost track of where i read it and a preliminary duckduckgo search isn’t bringing it up bc there's a program for script writing called final draft, but iirc the “final draft” version of a script is a transcript of what was filmed (e.g. there are parts of that 15x20 script that ended up being deleted scenes on the DVD). spnscripthunt also has an example of a confirmed final draft for 09x02 (funnily enough, also a dabb-penned ep). if anyone can confirm with a source that i have the purpose of the “final draft” version designation wrong, please let me know! i love being proven wrong with Facts.

i do want to acknowledge that the two “final drafts” do look different from each other and the 15x20 one doesn't look like a “real” final draft script since it lacks the revision/versioning dates that a script would normally have on the cover page. it could be that it was intended for subtitles; there's the chance it's been re-typed to anonymize it if there was anything indicating who the "owner" was, tho that seems a wee bit cloak and dagger to me. and again: it's considered of questionable authenticity. there are some things that don't quite line up but oh dear god i don't want to get even further out into the weeds than i already am.

i won't disagree that it's weird as hell that neoni only got asked about using their cover seven days prior to the episode airing (tiktok here). my personal theory is that they were hoping to get a more expensive song (maybe a zepp song, idk) and didn't manage to secure the rights in the end. again: this is pure conjecture on my part! but i could absolutely see someone working on the show hearing neoni’s cover and liking it and then maybe they were using it as a placeholder until it got down to the wire and they had to make a call/send the ep to networks. because yes, it is baffling they played a song and then a cover of it with only a 40 second break between. (i do actually really like the neoni cover! the placement is just weird and i think it could have worked if they had the kansas version at the beginning and closed with neoni's full cover.)

as to the 4th wall break COVID stuff: robert singer talked with variety magazine about filming the last two episodes and the logistics of filming during a pandemic. whether they should have been filming during a pandemic is a separate discussion but their use of office vs set pods, strict quarantining and daily testing meant that they had zero positive tests in the month they were filming (18 aug to 10 sep). so given all that, i personally don’t think it’s totally out of pocket to have everyone standing outdoors on a bridge for maybe an hour to get a drone shot of them together. (i won’t get into incubation periods and viral load, but if everyone tested negative that day and every day for a month prior, it was a fairly low risk scene to film outdoors and for all we know everyone was masked until the last possible second. there were plenty of outdoor masked protests in 2020 that weren't superspreader events.)

and before anyone brings up “but misha was in vancouver!” i know someone who looked into it and they said no dice, nothing matched up between the backgrounds in those pics and places in vancouver. his statements about “us” going back to set over the summer were pretty generic in hindsight and “we”/"us" could be him or the spn crew generally. unfortunately i’m not able to find those tweets but the use of “we” was likely so as not to give away he wouldn’t be returning to set. (bc we were absolutely casbaited!) and bc it comes up a lot: the "onion field pic" was from when they were filming 15x17 and was not taken while filming 15x19 and 15x20.

besides, it would be ridiculous to go through the financial and logistical headaches of bringing someone into the country to film during a pandemic, only to cut their scenes in the end! honestly, the script is pretty tight when the scenes are given so much breathing room! the only thing i could see being further cut down is The Monologue and even then, i don’t think there was any intent to cut it down given it was filmed in fairly long takes.

i’ve said it many times before, but i believe the finale was fucked long before they returned to set. walker got the green light in sep 2019 and it was being marketed heavily as a “follow on” show to spn given jared’s involvement. the demo they were courting for walker has little to no overlap with the demo for destiel fans — why would they want a finale that catered to a demo they weren't interested in courting? we just went through a historic double strike that exposed so much of the rot of business interests overriding creative vision. this isn't completely unfounded conjecture.

i will not apologize for the length of this bc i wanted to be thorough, but i do want to give context that i think the reason these conspiracies and rumors grind my gears so much is because anyone can fact check all of this. the truth is out there and absolutely none of it is that hard to find. the most time consuming/difficult part of this was finding someone who had a DVR’d copy of the finale from when it aired live and they actually found me themselves after i’d been low key asking around for a year!

and like. i get it. conspiracies are fun. but there are so many sourced instances of network homophobia and destiel being cut that it's like. why is this something folks are hanging onto? the cw is notorious for having upper level meddling with finales bc there's a follow-on show they want to shuffle fans along to and spn is no exception.

[fazedlight]

Sapphic Media Roundup

My last reblog reminded me: I've been trying to watch more wlw ship media recently, perhaps in part hoping that I'll latch onto an ongoing fandom instead of joining after the show ends (like with Supergirl 😂). So far on the list that I've tried...

Arcane - Absolutely loved the show, and definitely loved caitvi as a ship. It didn't leave the holes in my heart that drive me to continue the story, though, so I doubt I'll write here (other than continuing the smut scene).

Agatha All Along - Absolutely fantastic show. And a delicious ship (though the ship isn't quite central in my head). I wrote a few ficlets, but otherwise feel satisfied with it. Looking forward to whatever happens next with these characters.

Hawkeye - Just finished watching this and loved it! I absolutely adore both Kate and Yelena as characters. Though I don't think I ship them.

Wicked - Was a HUGE fan of the musical growing up, though I didn't see the characters as gay ("they're straight, just like I am!"). Haven't seen the movie yet, but given that I already know the musical and the book, I don't think this'll spark anything.

Hazbin Hotel - Chaggie, my beloved 🥺 I have a ficlet/small one shot idea that might eventually make its way out. But I don't think I'll write a ton of fics here. I am VERY MUCH looking forward to the next season though!

House of the Dragon - Okay, guys, you can tar and feather me. I think the show's plots are really cool, and Rhaenyra and Alicent are both interesting and infuriating characters at various points (same with the others), but I don't actually ship them. I feel I have betrayed my people, I'm sorry 😭. In any case, I finished S1, but don't plan to continue with S2. It's just too dark a show for me (both in topic, and because they still haven't learned how to light a night scene since GoT).

Wednesday - Absolutely fucking adored this show, and eagerly awaiting season 2. Couldn't get into wenclair as a ship, though - nor either canon ship in the dumb love triangle - because Wednesday strikes me as very aroace. (Watched a while ago.)

She-Ra - Fantastic show and ship. This was a lot like Xena, in that it was so close to perfectly crafted that I don't want to touch it, despite loving it a ton. (Also watched a while ago.)

Warrior Nun - Decent show and decent ship. I don't have it in me to write a season 3, and there aren't holes in earlier seasons that I want to explore. (Also watched a while ago.)

Legend of Korra - Absolutely loved the show and Korra herself. I liked the romance with Asami, though she was much less of a main character than I thought from how people spoke of her, so I think I found myself a little disappointed with canon there.

Rizzles - Watching this show is actually what got me really reading fanfic (around May 2021). I bet I would've written for this ship had I thought about writing earlier, but I wouldn't think about writing until the next year. Love them.

Maybe trying at some point:

Grey's Anatomy/Station 19 - I actually used to watch both until the pandemic, which was right around when marina got started. I love both characters individually and could totally see them together, so maybe I should catch up 😂

ALOTO - I watched an episode or two and couldn't get into it. But this happens a lot with me, so I may give it another try.

OUAT - I've actually seen this in the entirety before. But I'm curious if I'll see any chemistry around Emma and Regina if I rewatch it (I didn't the first time). This ship feels like the closest cousin to supercorp, in terms of seeing it on tumblr, so I might want to give it a conscious shot.

[dearsholmes]

Autism movie/show deep dive and my very general thoughts on them!

(everyones different these are my own opinions as an autistic woman please watch for yourself and share any additional thoughts you have on them!)

Music (2021)

Enough said.... had to get this one over with 0/10

Adam (2009)

I found most of these movies to be outdated BUT I actually really appreciate Hugh Dancy's recreation of an autistic character (those who know him as Will in Hannibal would probably also agree). Even though originally I wasn't a fan of the ending I came to appreciate it that he wasn't 'saved' by romance and that it proved he was able to be independent and had great character growth while still respecting himself and his passions. I think it offered a decent insight to the different aspects of autistic joy, passion, while still including the difficult aspects with socializing, navigating relationships, grief, and meltdowns but now being overshadowed by them or 'becoming a problem'. However, I do love space so that could've also been responsible for my love for this movie. 8/10

Heartbreak High (2022)

I absolutely love Chloé Hayden who is autistic herself so her character in the show feels real and more relatable. Pretty much what I said about 'Adam' but to an extreme I think the script and character interactions are such a fantastic and understandable demonstration of what being an autistic women is like (granted everyones experience is different). Cannot wait for the next season! This show is such a great modern day representation and not based in stereotypes like others are 10/10

Big Bang Theory (2007)

I will never not defend this show - I know people tend to hate this because Sheldon is heavily stereotypical but I find him incredibly relatable as I do fall into a lot of these stereotypes myself. Once again everyones experiences are different so I don't understand why people write this show off completely. Love it 10/10

Atypical (2017)

Unfortunately I don't have much to say about this show in regards to his autism because the constant inconsistencies during scenes deserve their own post and were too distracting to focus on anything else. Another thing that upset me about this is that the show is meant to take place in Connecticut yet they filmed in one of the most recognizable aquariums in the west coast. This show probably could've been good if it was just made better/had quality control. The only thing I remember liking was the pros and cons list because I also do that. 4/10

Mozart and the Whale (2005)

I'm going to preface this one specifically that I know everyone's autism presents differently but I almost found her... offensive? I think this is because it was made in 2005 and is just outdated but I felt like a lot of the characters especially hers were more caricatures than characters. Sheldon being stereotypical is one thing but this felt kind of insulting? I'm having a hard time putting it into words. There were moments I liked though - it was a weird back and forth. 5/10

What's Eating Gilbert Grape (1993)

Other than the mistreatment/beating/abuse I actually am pretty fond of this movie. Once again, outdated. But almost... endearing in a way (minus the mistreatment once again). I hope anyone who has seen it will understand what I feel. I did find the love interest annoying but that is unrelated to this post yet I felt the need to warn you all, I don't like her. 7.5/10

My Name is Khan (2010)

I watched this movie six years ago in school before my diagnosis and I didn't even remember or realize he was autistic but I do remember having generally positive thoughts on this movie ?/10 (someone let me know if its worth a rewatch.

A Brilliant Young Mind (2014) ((also called X+Y))

There is a lot of downtime in this movie so it can be kind of boring but it is honestly one of my comfort/go to movies. Of course its the whole "autistics are math geniuses" thing but the movie itself I think is sweet. It shows his diagnosis, he loses his father, he has almost a fill in father who coaches his math, his mother is really supportive of him but not in a savior kind of way, he experiences going out of the country for a competition, struggles with socializing/overwhelm, romantic interests, and there is another character who is autistic and his struggles are also shown in a relatable way, nothings (in my opinion) is annoyingly over exaggerated like it sometimes can be in movies. 9/10

The Good Doctor (2017)

I never actually finished the show because the person I was watching it with kept making fun of me by relating myself to him. Since then I also haven't seen much of a positive reaction from other people either but please let me know your thoughts on it! ?/10

The Imitation Game (2014)

Alan Turing himself was autistic and so even though it's not a main focus of this movie I still wanted to include it because I love this movie! 9/10

Sherlock Holmes (timeless)

I have to also through him in here, obviously some versions are more autistic coded than others but I'm going to generally say all of them are great autistic representation <3 10/10

Not Dead Yet (2023)

Like in Heartbreak High, Rick Glassman an autistic actor plays an autistic character and I think its another great modern day representation. It obviously isn't the main focus but they honestly do a pretty good job being educational in regard to social situations/difficulties and explain it in a way that people can learn from. 10/10

Bones (2005)

I honestly can't remember if they ever say it but Temperance is 100% autistic and I think this is a very endearing show. Since its not the main focus I don't have much to say other than sharing my recommendation 9/10

Criminal Minds (2005)

I mean... enough said. I love Reid with my whole heart. He is very much the 'autistic genius' again but you can't not love Reid! 10/10

Community (2009)

Abed. Another one that doesn't really need much to be said about it. Abed is great 10/10

Dr Who (timeless) ((quite literally and figuratively))

Now this could be considered a reach or projection but Dr Who... autistic! simple as that 10/10

House (2004)

I had to just throw this one in at the end because its really just another version of 'Holmes' and 'Watson' now as 'House' and 'Wilson'. Sherlock, previously said as autistic means House is also autistic 10/10

[starrysharks]

ive sent like 20 asks to you atp but i really love ur art soooo so so so much like ur like my biggest inspiration fr like seriously i could blab all day abt how much i love your art and your arts almost singlehandedly motivated me to start working on shape language more bc i think thats like the key part of your art (to me at least) and youre like the true embodiment of "same face syndrome fears me" but like fr because all your ocs are so distinct and unique

do you have any tips on creating unique silhouettes / just general character design tips?? also id love to hear abt how your use of shapes and shape language evolved over time if ur fine sharing that!!

ok this is literally the sweetest ask ever like first off thank you so much ;_; i'm glad i was able 2 inspire you!!!

for me if you look at my old art there's little to no focus on shape language cuz i wanted to express a 'pointy' animeish style. examples are from 2020, 2021 respectively

as you can see i did NOT flip my canvas and my art was samey as hell,,, but in 2021 i started going for softer colors and shapes rather than points and spikes and brighter shapes. but, if you were to look through all of my art from either era, you'd see it's identical cuz i didn't care for shape language. this went on for quite a while :,)

then i discovered worlds end club in late 2021 and everything changed !!! i watched playthroughs cuz i didn't have a means to play at the time, and decided on making my artstyle a blend of cartoony and animeish - which ended up in choosing more expensive silhouettes and faces in turn

honestly i'm too tired to actually chronicle my artstyle change so i'll just skip to late 2022 in this timeline, sorry 😭

so by now has my artstyle evolved into aomwthing super cool n expressive ? no actually i think my art got worse in late 2022

as you can see, my colors got super washed out and i didn't really take risks, i guess? but i was finally starting to come into my own in terms of artstyle and was finally acknowledging shape language a little bit.

very early 2023 is the same, so let's skip to the one thing that changed my artstyle - the big 8 lineups

suddenly everybody was like 'wow your shapes are so good!!!' this was because i had tried to challenge myself with character design in these drawings. so i tried to emphasise interesting shapes more - using a technique where i'd just take an interesting shape or line that corresponded with a character's personality and repeating it as much as i could across the design.

like this deep cut art, where i tried to 'dial up'their already exaggerated shapes and design aspects (such as making frye's pants sag more or changing up shiv's hair. big man is perfect and needs no changes)

but this journey is still not over because a few months ago i rewatched all of panty and stocking and watched clone high for the first time, and both of these shows emphasise shapes a LOT in their designs, and i picked those up. here's art from a few months ago - in short, i tried to find the 'focal point' of the design, something that set it apart from other designs with similar body types or clothing, and built around that, if it makes sense? here's some art that i think expresses that well

comparing the new quintet art to the old one, i think you can also see that i started to try and use different body shapes and shapes in general (such as clyde having a more triangular build ig) . and tumblr doesn't let me add more pictures so this is where the overview ends !

my advice is - watch and rewatch anything that might inspire you, because it has the ability to push you in the right direction. for technical tips, id say -

draw different body types and age ranges (often times same face syndrome is born from only drawing the same age range, usually 15-20 for most sufferers)

play around with style - do you want a more western inspired style or something more akin to modern anime ? maybe something entirely different! try drawing in different styles that you like and see which ones stick

research fashion if only a little bit - it can help understand visually pleasing silhouettes (such as the famous big jacket or big pants silhouettes)

speaking of big jacket or big pants, contrast is key !!! top or bottom heavy designs are an easy way to express personality and an expressive silhouette ig

ummm thaz it ithink. once again thank you for your kind words and remember to take advice from multiple artists im just one guy!! i hope anything in here helped or was at least interesting to read

[linghxr]

I watched all the Chinese idol survival shows so you don’t have to (but you should anyway)

About three years ago, I watched 创造101 Produce 101 China, and it kinda changed my life. Yes, really! This show dragged me down a rabbit hole that eventually led to me watching many more Chinese shows and listening to almost exclusively Chinese music. I’m even branching out to cdramas now. All under the guise of, um, improving my listening comprehension!

OK, so “all the Chinese idol survival shows” might be an exaggeration. I’ll be talking about these three classic idol group survival shows from the “golden age” period of 2018-2021:

>> 偶像练习生 Idol Producer/青春有你 Youth with You (iQiyi)

偶像练习生 Idol Producer

青春有你1 Youth with You 1

青春有你2 Youth with You 2

青春有你3 Youth with You 3

>> 创造101 Produce 101/创造营 Chuang (Tencent)

创造101 Produce 101 China

创造营2019 Produce Camp 2019

创造营2020 Chuang 2020

创造营2021 Chuang 2021

>> 以团之名 All For One/少年之名 We Are Young (Youku)

以团之名 All For One

少年之名 We Are Young

Here is the order I actually watched these 10 seasons in:

创造101 Produce 101 China

青春有你2 Youth with You 2

创造营2020 Chuang 2020

创造营2019 Produce Camp 2019

偶像练习生 Idol Producer

青春有你1 Youth with You 1

青春有你3 Youth with You 3

创造营2021 Chuang 2021

以团之名 All For One

少年之名 We Are Young

I started 创造101 Produce 101 China in late 2019/early 2020 and finished 少年之名 We Are Young on Christmas Day 2022. I was literally tearing up. Three franchises, ten seasons, something around 1000 contestants, and three years of my life.

In order to refresh my memory for this post, I rewatched almost all of the performance clips from these shows. I didn’t watch the initial evaluations or any practice room videos (it’s simply too much content). It was simultaneously fun and exhausting. I will go over why you should/shouldn’t watch each season and give any other notable remarks. Let’s get started!

*Please note that for any YouTube links below, there is a risk of muted sections, parts/entire episodes being unavailable, and missing/out of sync subtitles. For official links, whether or not a VIP subscription is needed may change in the future. Fansubbed content may have sections or entire episodes missing.

>> 偶像练习生 Idol Producer/青春有你 Youth with You (iQiyi)

iQiyi rebranded the series by changing its name from 偶像练习生 Idol Producer to 青春有你 Youth with You after the first season. However, they really didn’t change much about the format at all. From what I’ve heard, iQiyi doesn’t have as large a budget as Tencent, which you can see reflected in the show’s production quality. However, I’ve long felt that this franchise has a real charming quality that makes up for lack of flashy sets.

偶像练习生 Idol Producer

Watch on iQiyi (English subs, VIP needed) Watch via Idol Producer Subs (English fansubs, missing part of finale)

Why you should watch it: Though not China’s first idol survival show, this show was the first of a new era. It’s iconic! The theme song is a bop, 10/10. Also, I had heard of all of the winners before I watched this season, so there’s some real cultural relevance. I can’t believe it was nearly five years ago! The whole top 20 remains iconic to this day. In most seasons, there are at least one or two popular contestants who I don’t really like or don’t see the appeal of, but that wasn’t the case this season. This season is also a lot shorter than later seasons, so it’s easier for those who are new to survival shows.

Why you shouldn’t watch it: As I mentioned, there is a lack of flashy sets/stages here. The background of the stage often looks empty. There were some performances that were better than I remembered, but there were others that were...not. I’m pretty sure 黄明昊 Justin was 15 when the show began, which shocks me in a BAD way. And if you’re a Jackson Wang fan, I think he barely appeared in the second half of the show.

My picks: 郑锐彬 Zheng Ruibin, 周彦辰 Zhou Yanchen, 蔡徐坤 Cai Xukun, 王子异 Wang Ziyi, 朱星杰 Zhu Xingjie, 周锐 Zhou Rui

Favorite performance: PPAP A组 PPAP group A This was a powerhouse group. And it was hilarious to watch the boys’ reaction when they heard the whole song and realized the style was not at all what they had initially expected! They totally pulled it off though.

Iconic moments: 蔡徐坤 Cai Xukun’s outfit (and ego) in the initial evaluation, B-A-L-A-N-C-E, when we realized 朱星杰 Zhu Xingjie can sing too, 林彦俊 Lin Yanjun's platinum hair, one of the songs was called Mack Daddy which causes me great distress to this day, 周锐 Zhou Rui aka 周美锐 Zhou Meirui, I’m still laughing over 朱星杰 Zhu Xingjie’s resemblance to 胡巴 Huba.

Verdict: Though this was not my first idol survival show, I think it would be a great first foray for anyone. It’s iconic for a reason. You should watch it (and I might rewatch it). 

青春有你1 Youth with You 1

Watch on iQiyi (English subs, VIP needed) Watch via Qing Chun You Ni Subs (English fansubs)

Why you should watch it: This season is the forgotten child of the franchise, but it still had some great performances and a lot of talented contestants. The theme song is also probably my favorite out of all ten theme songs! It was love at first listen. Personally, I enjoyed this team of mentors more than the first season’s. I also feel that the vocal-based performances were stronger this season. For instance, there were great performances of 李荣浩 Li Ronghao songs.

Why you shouldn’t watch it: I feel that some of the magic of the first season was lost, and overall the contestants were not as memorable or charismatic in my opinion. There were also several contestants I found extremely irritating and some contestants who ranked much higher and last much longer on the show than I feel they should have based on their skill level...but I won’t name names.

My picks: 夏瀚宇 Xia Hanyu, 李振宁 Li Zhenning, 周士原 Zhou Shiyuan, 连淮伟 Li Huaiwei

Favorite performance: 隔壁泰山 A组 Neighboring Tarzan group A This is a very unusal song, but it’s so catchy and memorable. 夏瀚宇 Xia Hanyu really made this performance for me. And this song still gets stuck in my head months later!

Iconic moments: 冯俊杰 Feng Junjie and 夏瀚宇 Xia Hanyu trying to outdo each other, 胡春杨 Hu Chunyang looked angry 24/7 for no reason, they literally got 蔡依林! Jolin Tsai! as a mentor, 李汶翰 Li Wenhan was everyone’s older brother, their performance made me fall in love with the song 耳朵 Erduo, they kinda did a steampunk concept which I love.

Verdict: It’s not necessarily a must-watch, but I still enjoyed it. If you’ve fallen into the black hole of survival shows and want more, I think it’s worth your time.

青春有你2 Youth with You 2

Watch on iQiyi (English subs, VIP needed) Watch on YouTube (English subs) Watch on YouTube (no English subs, missing several parts/episodes)

Why you should watch it: As iQiyi’s first time with female contestants, this season was highly anticipated. iQiyi stepped it up with subtitles, got Lisa from BLACKPINK as a mentor (I saw people say they came for Lisa and stayed for the trainees), and made a lot of content available on YouTube. As a result, some of the performances from this season have millions of views. It’s well deserved—a lot of the contestants are overflowing with talent and charisma. And honestly, you should watch this for 蔡徐坤. He’s a great MC/mentor to the girls and was truly a highlight of the season for me.

Why you shouldn’t watch it: This is the only season that I watched week by week as it was airing. It was EXHAUSTING. iQiyi started pumping out two episodes a week, doubling the overall episode count. I was literally burnt out by the finale. So if you watch this, please take it slow. Also, I forgot how much they did that thing where they cut away from the performances to show other contestant/mentor reactions and then have to go rewind on the performance...it really drives me nuts. They overdid it for sure.

My picks: 刘雨昕 Liu Yuxin, 喻言 Yu Yan, 王承渲 Wang Chengxuan, 刘令姿 Liu Lingzi, 许馨文 Xu Xinwen

Favorite performance: 不奉陪 No Company This was a tough choice! I went with this performance because I actively sought it out for relistens. That’s so rare for 主题考核 theme evaluation songs for me. All the members got to shine yet they were a very cohesive team.

Iconic moments: Bad Guy was the ultimate dark horse, how no one knew the song 想见你想见你想见你 Miss You 3000, 王承渲 Wang Chengxuan defeated the evil quads, 乃万 Nineone basically replaced Jony J as rap mentor, seeing 刘雨昕 Liu Yuxin with a wig was terrifying, they let the girls wear shorts if they didn’t like skirts #feminism, I still think about 张钰 Zhang Yu and 王清 Wang Qing’s initial performance all the time.

Verdict: I don’t think I could rewatch this season due to its length, but if you can commit the time, I think you should watch it. I’m sad I’ll never get to see a second 青春有你 Youth with You female season.

青春有你3 Youth with You 3

Watch on iQiyi (English subs, no VIP needed) Watch on iQiyi (no English subs, no VIP needed) Watch on YouTube (no English subs, missing several parts/episodes)

Why you should watch it: This season was probably the one I felt most emotionally invested in. I feel like I got to know the boys and was in it together with them (parasocial relationships, I know). And the friendships between contestants were so touching. Like 青春有你2 Youth with You 2, this season was also extra long, but I watched this season after it aired, going at my own pace. There were so many charming contestants and memorable performances. The dancing especially shone, but we got some great vocal moments too. I think iQiyi did a really good job picking songs this season.

Why you shouldn’t watch it: Sadly, the finale never aired. Due to the infamous milk-wasting scandal, the show was cancelled (but a winning group still formed and debuted). Even though I knew this before watching the show, it was still quite sad to never see a conclusion. Additionally, I believe this show started with more like 120 contestants, and I felt that increased number. Lastly, there was some painful singing and lots of very uninspired rapping. I feel like the gap in skill between the contestants was larger, and some of the teams felt very unbalanced as a result.

My picks: 姜京佐 Jiang Jingzuo, 杨昊铭 Yang Haoming, 十七 Shiqi, 徐子未 Xu Ziwei, 张思源 Zhang Siyuan, 连淮伟 Lian Huaiwei

Favorite performance: 燕尾蝶 Wings of Love This performance was everything I could ever dream of. 徐子未 won the world over instantly. He has the voice of an angel. Love the song, love the concept, love everything about it.

Iconic moments: 罗一舟 Luo Yizhou and 余景天 Tony Yu Jingtians’s friendly rivalry, 徐子未 Xu Ziwei’s back-to-back victories, Yuta’s adorable accent, 王南钧 Wang Nanjun would not shut up about 竹 Bamboo, touch 梁森 Liang Sen’s head for good luck, 刘隽 Liu Jun dances like he’s possessed (in a good way), that 雨爱 Rainie Love stage was a trainwreck tbh.

Verdict: Despite the scandals and lack of a finale, it was worth the watch for me. I feel so fond thinking of this season. Truthfully, season three has surpassed season two for me.

>> 创造101 Produce 101/创造营 Chuang (Tencent)

I read somewhere that Tencent officially licensed the Produce 101 name from Mnet, making this franchise more “official.” For season two, they ended up changing the name to 创造营 Produce Camp. The Chinese name remained the same for seasons three and four, but the in English they started promoting the show under the name Chuang. I think they wanted to beat iQiyi in the contest to see who can have the most titles for the same show.

创造101 Produce 101 China

Watch on Tencent Video (English subs, no VIP needed) Watch on 腾讯视频 (no English subs, VIP needed) Watch on YouTube (no English subs) Watch on YouTube (no English subs, episode 7 here, episode 10 here) Watch via Produce 101 China Subs (English fansubs)

Why you should watch it: This is the only season I’ve seen twice, so that says something I guess! This season holds a special place in my heart as my first survival show, so I rewatched it earlier this year with some friends who hadn’t seen it previously. One thing that stood out to me about this season was that it felt like there were several dark horses who started to shine closer to the middle/end of the show. I liked this because it’s boring when the debut lineup is completely predictable! And if you’re not already a 孟美岐 Meng Meiqi fan, you will leave as a 孟美岐 Meng Meiqi fan, guaranteed.

Why you shouldn’t watch it: Not gonna lie, I was not a huge fan of this mentor team. I am fine with these people individually, but together it was not an ideal combo in my opinion. They collectively made some very odd decisions that I strongly disagree with. After my rewatch, I’m just kinda done with 黄子韬 Huang Zitao. I also realized there were a lot more instances of...rough singing than I remembered, so be warned.

My picks: 孟美岐 Meng Meiqi, Yamy, 刘人语 Liu Renyu, 许靖韵 Angela Xu Jingyun, 吴映香 Lucia Wu Yingxiang, 李紫婷 Mimi Li Ziting

Favorite performance: 别人家的小孩 Other People’s Kids This is one of the most iconic performances (and one of my favorites) ever from all of these shows! It’s so unique and really has everything you could want. It was truly a perfect collab performance.

Iconic moments: When they had to tap 杨超越 Yang Chaoyue so she wouldn’t miss the beat, 王一博 Wang Yibo’s blue hair was gorgeous, Triple A group reunion, Look What You Made Me Do with creepy marionettes was perfect, when 陈嘉桦 Ella went barefoot on stage, 黄子韬 Huang Zitao literally screamed at them all, I’ll never forget the iconic 乐华 Yuehua performance.

Verdict: Even the second time, this was a season filled with surprises. It’s not perfect, but I think it will manage to charm you anyway. There are some real hidden gems here.

创造营2019 Produce Camp 2019

Watch on Tencent Video (English subs, VIP needed) Watch on 腾讯视频 (no English subs, VIP needed) Watch on YouTube (no English subs)

Why you should watch it: This was the first ever male season I watched, and I remember being apprehensive. I ended up having a lot of fun! This season really tugged at my heartstrings with the touching friendships between the boys and the intense 导师推荐生 mentor recommendees segments. I felt like I went through the wringer with them as they were forced to repack all their belongings, endure the brutal F班 demotions, hike across the beach, and more. There were countless hilarious moments too. If I were to rewatch, it would be for 周震南 Zhou Zhennan AKA 南南 Nannan. He just dominates the stage (despite his short stature)!

Why you shouldn’t watch it: I’ll admit, this season probably has the greatest number of contestants that annoy me. Sometimes it’s for no good reason...I just look at them and go ugh. The first round especially has some pretty painful singing, so be warned of that as well. Also, my rewatch made me realize I remembered very few performances from this season, which probably isn’t a good sign. Also, a lot of the performances were very short, sub-three minutes, which personally bothers me.

My picks: 周震南 Zhou Zhennan, 高嘉朗 Gao Jialang, 姚琛 Yao Chen, 陆思恒 Lu Siheng, 李鑫一 Li Xinyi, 贺俊雄 He Junxiong

Favorite performance: 开门见山 Kaimenjianshan I’ll admit that this performance was not as good as I remembered it being (probably because now I’ve heard the original by A-Mei many times), but I picked it anyway to acknowledge the amazing 高嘉朗 Gao Jialang.

Iconic moments: 张颜齐 Zhang Yanqi giving away jars of 老干妈 Lao Gan Ma, we never saw 王晨艺 Wang Chenyi again, 姚琛来了~ (Yao Chen is coming), when 周震南 Zhou Zhennan had his hoodie on but his ears were sticking out omg, try saying 李昀锐 Li Yunrui's name ten times fast, they had 30+ year old men here, this was the OG 乘风破浪 chengfengpolang.

Verdict: Among so many seasons, I don’t think this season stands out that much, but I still remember it fondly. If you want a good laugh and some fun, check it out.

创造营2020 Chuang 2020

Watch on Tencent Video (English subs, VIP needed) Watch on 腾讯视频 (no English subs, VIP needed) Watch on YouTube (English subs, missing episode 3) Watch on YouTube (English subs, missing episode 3) Watch on Viki (English subs, no Viki Pass needed)

Why you should watch it: They went all out on the sets, the location, the accommodations, everything. The performance setup was that the seats were in the middle and various stages were located around the perimeter. The seats would rotate to face the stages!! Some of the stages were stunning. I also want to mention that there were some great vocalists this season and I feel like they got to shine, which always makes me happy. The best round by far was the second round (专业方向). We got some beautiful vocal performances and intense dance performances.

Why you shouldn’t watch it: This season felt messy to me. I think they tried to mix things up, but not everything landed. The beautiful sets almost got distracting…they were more interesting than some of the performances. Several very talented and promising contestants never even made it past the first round. And since the final group only had seven people, the finale was just a frustrating experience. I never want to hear that 小摩托 xiao motuo song or 夏天的风 Summer Wind again. I don’t feel this season lived up to 创造101 Produce 101 China (unless you wanted MORE comments about weight/thinness).

My picks: 王柯 Wang Ke, 华承妍 Hua Chengyan, 刘些宁 Liu Xiening, 苏芮琪 Su Ruiqi, 朱主爱, Joyce Zhu Zhu’ai, 王一桥 Wang Yiqiao

Favorite performance: Manta There were a lot of performances I liked, but I really struggled to pick a favorite. I ultimately went with this because it’s one of the most memorable dance performances I’ve seen on these shows.

Iconic moments: That thin waist contest was simply the worst, they were in a literal castle, we all went crazy for the band and 王柯 Wang Ke, 朱主爱 Joyce Zhu Zhu’ai won the collab stage, wtf stop filming 姜贞羽 Jiang Zhenyu, I want to ride that cute train up the mountain, 毛不易 Mao Buyi did not want to talk, pretend that 吴亦凡 Wu Yifan wasn’t there.

Verdict: This season was competing against 青春有你2 Youth with You 2, and I chose to prioritize 青春有你2 Youth with You 2. I would make the same choice now. If you decide to watch, just be warned it may be a frustrating experience.

创造营2021 Chuang 2021

Watch on Tencent Video (English subs, VIP needed) Watch on 腾讯视频 (no English subs, VIP needed)

Why you should watch it: I wasn’t sure I was going to watch this season because of its international theme. Having foreigners is nothing new, but such a large number was certainly going to alter the show’s dynamic. Well, I watched it anyway. Overall, I’m glad I did. There were some talented and lovable contestants that made this season all worth it. The mentor squad (mostly 宁静 Ning Jing, 邓超 Deng Chao, and 周深 Zhou Shen) were so entertaining. Lastly, compared to the 2019 season, there were more popular vocalists this season, which I 100% support. I’ll be honest, I didn’t remember a lot of the performances from this season, but I ended up pleasantly surprised by how many great ones there were!

Why you shouldn’t watch it: It felt like there was so much focus on Nine and Patrick, Santa and Riki, the Intersection boys, and eventually Lelush as well. The other foreign contestants honestly had very little impact. This didn’t ruin the show or anything, but sometimes I got a little sick of the Santa and Mika show, you know? Also, none of my favorites made it into the winning group unfortunately. While I acknowledge the talent of the winning members, for whatever reason I wasn’t really that invested in most of them.

My picks: 俞更寅 Yu Gengying, 井胧 Jing Long, 林墨 Lin Mo, 奥斯卡 Oscar, 张星特 Zhang Xingte

Favorite performance: Lover Boy 88 This performance was simply infectious! I even made my friends watch to it. 林墨 Lin Mo is so charming. And 张腾 Zhang Teng and 张星特 Zhang Xingte’s vocals were perfect. Just wish it had been longer!

Iconic moments: Mika and 曾涵江 Zeng Hanjiang = my last two brain cells trying to communicate, I still can’t believe Lelush went viral worldwide, 刘宇 Liu Yu broke the Produce curse, Nine and Patrick only learned Chinese for how long???, Caelan kinda does look like Leonardo DiCaprio, Oscar AKA 熊熊 Xiongxiong, the 网红 wanghong group was so talented actually.

Verdict: I think this season got more international attention than 青春有你3 Youth with You 3, and while I prefer 青春有你3 Youth with You 3, this season is worth a watch for its uniqueness and improvements over the previous year.

>> 以团之名 All For One/少年之名 We Are Young (Youku)

I watched both seasons of Youku’s shorter-lived franchise in 2022 only after (and only because) I had finished the other two franchises. I think Youku had a smaller budget and thus tried to stand out by shaking up the traditional survival show formula. I think they made some poor choices and some good choices. I don’t know the story behind the name change between seasons, but the seasons are so different from each other that it makes sense.

以团之名 All For One

Watch on Youku (no English subs, VIP needed) Watch on YouTube (no English subs)

Why you should watch it: I’m going to say a lot of negative stuff below, but I wanted to add at least a few positive words. During the finale, the remaining contestants sang S.H.E’s 你曾是少年 Wings Of My Words, and I don’t think I’ve ever gotten so emotional over a performance ever. 任家萱 Selina was a delight throughout. I also really grew to appreciate 奶茶 Naicha and what a great and thoughtful leader he was.

Why you shouldn’t watch it: As I mentioned, this show had some unique features that made it stand out. The contestants formed ten groups of eight, and the composition of the groups remained unchanged throughout. Entire groups got eliminated together. This created a dynamic where some really talented contestants went home too soon due to their group. It also meant that some groups were popular really just due to having one popular member. In the end, one group won...but I guess they realized this was a bad idea, so they formed a second winning group of the most popular contestants from the non-winning groups. I didn’t like this format and felt is really negatively impacted my viewing. Personally, seeing new team lineups form is one of my favorite parts of survival shows. And because the leaders were constant, they had there was too much focus on them. Also, the mentors were so harsh all the time. Maybe it was deserved, but it really bummed me out to watch them constantly talk about how disappointed they were.

My picks: 奶茶 Naicha, 田书臣 Tian Shuchen, 龙泓昊 Long Honghao, 赖煜哲 AJ Lai Yuzhe, 热亚提 Reyati, 赵品霖 Zhao Pinlin

Favorite performance: 饕餮 Taotie This was not one of the performances that stood out in my memory, but it stood out to me when I did my rewatch. I feel like they really nailed every element, and I don’t think the other teams could have pulled off this song.

Iconic moments: 何展成 Jonathan Ha gave up on speaking Chinese and 袁娅维 Tia Ray had to translate for him, the 王霏霏 Wang Feifei and 孟佳 Meng Jia reunion, 龙泓昊 Long Honghao’s beautiful dance to a Shawn Mendes song, I’m not sure why 奶茶 Naicha chose milk tea as stage name, AJ vs. the hidden snacks, they made 周艺轩 Zhou Yixuan perform a UNIQ song.

Verdict: Maybe you can skip this one. I definitely didn’t devote my full attention while I was watching it. And it felt like the show and the mentors were being mean to the boys all the time.

少年之名 We Are Young

Watch on Youku (no English subs, VIP needed) Watch on YouTube (no English subs) Watch via We Are Young Subs (English fansubs)

Why you should watch it: They improved on basically all the issues I had with the first season, and I was pleasantly surprised. Also, this is basically a 青春有你1 Youth with You 1 mini reunion with a few 偶像练习生 Idol Producer alums plus some future 青春有你3 You with You 3 contestants. It was so wonderful to see how the contestants I already knew had grown, and I loved seeing them get new opportunities to shine. There was surprisingly a lot of good raps/rappers on this show! Also, there were some truly incredible performances this season that aren’t like anything I’ve seen on other idol survival shows. And I enjoyed almost every performance—there were only a few that I disliked or thought were, um, not good. The mentors did not always agree...but I don’t care!

Why you shouldn’t watch it: Because they have to be different, when doing the initial evaluations, only about 50 contestants advanced to the next round. This was nice because it meant fewer names/faces, but wow, it felt so mean. Sometimes I wished they had stuck to a more traditional format. Besides that, I don’t have much else negative to say!

My picks: 郭震 Guo Zhen, 寇聪 Kuo Cong, 胡文煊 Hu Wenxuan, 左林杰 Zuo Linjie, 李希侃 Li Xikan, 崔少鹏 Cui Shaopeng, 杨超文 Yang Chaowen

Favorite performance: Don’t Start Now I don’t think I’ve ever seen this exact concept on one of these shows before. This performance was instantly a standout for me, especially because it had some of my favorite contestants!

Iconic moments: They literally had a corgi, 林 (Lin) MUA, everyone shipping 薛恩 Xue En and 程潇 Cheng Xiao, 胡文煊 Hu Wenxuan in a CROP TOP, 胡彦斌 Hu Yanbin told 寇聪 Kou Cong to wear less to show off his body what, 崔少鹏 Cui Shaopeng’s entrance through the pink smoke, 左林杰 Zuo Linjie really bungee jumped with his eyes closed, how 郭震 Guo Zhen, 左叶 Zuo Ye, and 胡文煊 Hu Wenxuan were in the same group four times without anyone noticing.

Verdict: This season ended up being better than it had any right to be! I think it’s worth checking out, especially if you are missing the boys from the 偶像练习生 Idol Producer/青春有你 Youth with You series.

>> Conclusion

If you actually read this entire post, I’m thoroughly impressed. If you, like me, have spent way too much time watching these shows, feel free to send me a message because I need someone to commiserate with. 

I honestly have this weird feeling that a chapter of my life is over. I have so many treasured memories from watching these shows—moments of laughter, tears, shock, pride, and more. They’ve provided a way to ground my language studies and engage with Chinese pop culture. They made me feel less alone during earlier COVID times.

Well, I’m off to find something to fill the survival show-size hole in my heart...maybe I’ll just rewatch 偶像练习生 Idol Producer.

[irish-urn]

For the ask game:

001 - Dasey

002 - Derek and Casey

Dasey:

when I started shipping it if I did: Oh, boy. That's a question, now isn't it? I low-key shipped them when I first found Dasey fanfiction waaaaaaay back in my undergrad (so, like 10-12 years ago?). But it was super low-key. I got BACK into Dasey majorly in the spring of 2021 and stumbled upon fanvids and fanfiction of them AGAIN and because I was laid up health-wise, I got obsessed.

my thoughts: I have a LOT of thoughts about Dasey???? I think they're fascinating characters and I adore them both as individuals and as a couple. I think their physical comedy (and by that I mean they're complete lack of personal space) is hilarious; and I think they have insane chemistry. I think Derek knows Casey better than anyone, and Casey gets Derek better than anyone; and I think they're both stupid and stubborn enough to never acknowledge that. I think they're far more alike than they are different, and I think I need to continue my rewatch of the show because I'm gonna end up writing an essay about them.

What makes me happy about them: I think it's how good of a team they can be. I've always been a BIG friends-to-lovers shipper, but even more than that, a "we're partners and i've got your back" shipper. And even though Derek and Casey TRY to pretend to they hate each other, we have sooooo much evidence of them being protective of the other, of them going out of their way to help the other (usually complaining the whole time, but c'mon), and of them kicking serious butt when they do work together. It just makes something inside me purr.

What makes me sad about them: THEY'RE KIDS IN AN AWFUL SITUATION and they don't FEEL like family, but everything in their lives are telling them they're supposed to be; but they CAN'T be, and if they TRY to be together, they might hurt their FAMILIES who they LOVE so MUCH; and I think you catch my drift.

things done in fanfic that annoys me: ...I really hate OOC-ness, but the MOST OOC-ness I hate is when people make Derek to be, like, abusive? Or completely inconsiderate of Casey's boundaries, and you get into non-con. I just... Nope.

things I look for in fanfic: EXCELLENT CHARACTERIZATION. Good bantering, that push-and-pull that they both have... I also think they have at least mildly kinky sex, and I support this.

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: Well, all of Casey's boyfriends SUCK except for Sam who is an excellent person but not good for her. And I'm pretty sure her husband in LWL isn't doing a good job either. So they'd have to create a WHOLE NEW CHARACTER for her--

I don't mind Derek/Sally, except I think they'd have to work things out as adults better. I dunno; the show purposely shows us that Derek and Casey are far more important to each other than any of their significant others (that's been stated by the creators, btw), so yeah. No one.

My happily ever after for them: THEY GET TOGETHER AND THE FAMILY ACCEPTS THEM AND THEY STAY TOGETHER FOR, LIKE, 60+ YEARS AND BICKER AND BANTER AND LOVE EACH OTHER THE WHOLE TIME and whether or not they have kids depends completely on their choices and Derek calms Casey's panic attacks, and Casey reminds Derek of his worth, and I cry.

who is the big spoon/little spoon: THEY. SWITCH. I think most of the time Derek is the big spoon because he's kinda sexist, no lie, but I think when he's having a bad day, he likes getting spooned. Casey likes being held, but she also likes holding him. So, uh... 80% of the time Derek is the big spoon.

what is their favorite non-sexual activity: Honestly, I think it's arguing. But in, like, a fun way? With bets and competition and teasing and flirting; I strongly believe that they would just have a lot of small arguments and that would keep the big fights small too. And Casey likes debating and Derek likes challenges.

Derek:

How I feel about this character: MY BLORBO???? I LOVE HIM??? HE'S SUCH A LITTLE SHIT; I ADORE HIM???

All the people I ship romantically with this character: Well. Casey, obviously. And to a certain extent, Sally.

My non-romantic OTP for this character: ...Derek&Lizzie. I know, I KNOW that Derek & Marti are like, gold, but I think his interactions with Lizzie are superb.

My unpopular opinion about this character: ...do I have one? I dunno. I have a lot of opinions about his relationship with his parents, but I wouldn't call them unpopular, more... me looking at things differently than some others do.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: I wish, in LWL, people (Genora) recognized how much he had grown. Just because a person likes to have fun and tease and passes off some of his responsibilities to people he knows will do them (see: Skyler and Casey, but they also ENJOY doing these tasks most of the time), doesn't make him immature. He was SUCH a good dad and was taking steps to improve Skyler's life, and maybe their lives weren't traditional, but she was healthy and loved and appreciated and he had raised her as best he could; and honestly, his relationship with Skyler was much better than his with George, I'm just saying. Derek is clever with a large heart, and I wish people in the show saw that more.

my OTP: ...Dasey.

my cross over ship: I don't like crossovers? *shrugs*

a headcanon fact: Derek is a dork. He's a big ol' dork. I HC that he knows an awful lot about very certain things because he gets hyperfixated -- reword: Derek has undiagnosed ADHD. There. That's my fact.

[wisemins]

heyy🕺

so I checked your f/o list and I saw not only do u ship w stan but also ford!?🧐 incredibly based😌 since I have gravity falls brainrot this is my obligatory ask about your s/i if you have one👀 if not use this as gush pass🎫

side note: do u prefer being called miya or starshine? because I saw someone refer to you as miya once and that's what I've been doing but you and some others refer to you as starshine so uh I just wanted to check🧍🏽

second side note: are you okay with sharing stanley? I understand if not, I only have 1 tag for him so far (💗: stan💸) if you want to block it. okay done for real🏃🏽‍♀️

@i-put-the-s4p-in-s4pphic

YYAYAYAAAA I've been waiting forever to be able to answer this but I've been so busy with work!!! OH BOYYY IM SO EXCITED TO ANSWERR

Gravity Falls is like one of my all time 'tisms, like I have seen it an unholy amount of times, I've never kept track of just how many times. I used to just have it on 24/7 as background noise around my house. I know this show like the back of my hand and I simply adore it!!! okay so-- I've also been shipping in it since I first got into it, but eventually I wasn't shipping in it anymore and just enjoyed it for what it was-- until I rewatched it in my adulthood.

Now, I used to only ship with Ford, but...well, my crusty old man taste had developed to fruition already in 2021 so Stanley was instantly looking FOOOOOINEEE as hell alongside Stanford. So then it was-- I was shipping with both of them. Separately, though. Definitely needed different canons for it to work, since Ford and I have a much different relationship than Stan and I, but I'm honestly still working on my lore with Ford now that things have changed and that I'm much older. There's just more potential with him in terms of intergalactic/dimensional stuff!

So in terms of Stan and me, we're mostly just very domestic and comfortable outside of the crazy canon lore! I started off working at the mystery shack, helping Stan with his crazy ideas for new creatures and attractions, I also helped out a lot with sales and tours! But eventually we both just clicked and I discovered that I in fact LOVEDDDD that old man. And as it turns out he felt the same too!! He was more hesitant, for obvious reasons. A considerable age gap, the fact that he's a lot more insecure than he lets on, people in general think he's disgusting and conniving and a scammer, but I like his style! I never judged him like that, I get where he's coming from, and we've both been through a lot in our lives so we tend to relate A LOT despite the generational difference. But we're mostly just a very doting couple who makes the dream happen, we hustle and we take care of the twins! And also try to keep them out of trouble, to the best of our abilities. Stan and I are only dating, but if I were to ever have the pleasure of marrying him-- well I'd be honored to be any sort of caretaker figure to them!

Now, me and Ford? Our relationship depends on *when* we met. Currently I have two timeline ideas, but for now I'll focus on one where he's also a crusty old man. We relate a lot as well, just on a different level! We're both giga nerds, love to write and draw, are nervous wrecks but simultaneously too oblivious for our own good. We do have our own version of a domestic life, one that just includes more weird happenings and nerd stuff! Lots of D&D&moreD, talking and theorizing, and a lot of dorky longing looks and late nights of working on stuff together. I'd like to think in this version of myself in Gravity Falls, I'd be more akin to the weirdness and was far more aware of it than I would be if I was with Stan, seeing as Stanley would most likely try to shield me from it than make me aware.

Also you can call me either or honestly!! Miya is my real name so it's more personable (I would be honored if you felt comfortable enough to call me as such!), and Starshine is just a cute nickname that my mans Wonka calls me along with some other mutuals! or if you want another *another* nickname, you can also go with Marnie!

Also I am super duper cool with sharing Stan!!! for so many years...i have felt alone in my Stan loving because he was the "gross" twin that only very few people actually liked 😭😭 So the solidarity and the sharing of joy in this crusty old man is ALWAYS welcome!!!

tysm for the ask once again Frankie!!!! MY BELOVED MUTUALLL <333

[psihawaii]

i know nothing about mashup week but i do wanna hear ur thoughts on trans scott

first of all: thank you for indulging me!!

second of all: obligatory LISTEN/READ MASHUP WEEK: MEGAMIX!! ill probably make a separate propaganda post anyway but plsss. mashup tournament that scott won three years ago that he now has to host and interview every1 and i like how he’s written better than most collabs (where hes not just. himself obviously.) write him. host says the tournament is a lot more like wii sports resort now and doesnt elaborate.

third of all: ooooooooookay so. This really got away from me im gonna put the rest under a readmore.

i’m gonna refer to them w/ they/them just for simplicity, but let the record show i don’t think they care that much either way/i switch up pronouns whenever i talk abt stw AHDHDJ (my main hc for a while was no pronouns scott just bc of how the descriptions are written hahahahahaha get itttttttttt)

i’ve Alwaysssss thought scott (the character obvi. do i have to keep clarifying that here too, im always gonna be referring to the character in this postSHDJDJ) was trans ever. since i joined the fandom in late 2021. Partly because borderline forever reminds me a lot of how i realized i was nonbinary (realizing somethings wrong and then course correcting by just… doing the opposite and wondering why that couldnt possibly be the solution.) but mostly because borderline forever is just Like That. . But more on that later

OUTSIDE OF THAT so much of how they act is sosososo deeply trans to me, or at the very least very egg-like and in denial deeply. THE THING that got me deep into stw initially was gifts of gaming because what the fuck man. scott’s very public breakdown because they feel extremely alienated from their peers and that this isn’t an isolated incident!!!!!! (finding other people unrelatable that is (and that’s probably also an autism and/or aroace thing but it can be all of those at once. Smile.) like so often is scott self deprecating abt how nobody cares abt them or their interests or how desperate they are for attention. dude.)

and like. okay so i made an entire nonbinary dysphoria comp already but there are so many. weird throwaway jokes. that aren’t… you know directly about them being trans/dysphoric but about how they hate facial hair or their voice or hated that they couldn’t have ‘girl toys’ growing up or that they shower fully clothed or that they’ll just. roleplay as a girl.

(and i was gonna have a whole bit about… i think you could make some kind of point about how scott ‘roleplays’ as a girl in specifically romantic/flirting contexts (tinder + speed dating) and how that could play jnto their dysphoria, but i also do just think they’re aroace. but there’s something there)

and no matter the intention of the jokes they’re still like. canon. (and i was gonna do a whole thing abt how scott the woz (the show) treats continuity basically being that. jokes + ‘throwaway lines’ establish canon things because they keep being brought back, and that lore is (with few exceptions) consistent. it’s fun. and meaning that these things are (assumedly) things scott thinks/does/how they act even off screen.)

and also i guess if im gonna talk abt trans scott i could At Least dedicate an entire paragraph to borderline forever because holy shit man. Before i rewatched a bunch of episodes this year, i of course had it in my head that borderline forever was totally trans coded but i sorta reasoned that that was my own headcanon clouding my perception and that it wouldnt be that blatant (<in quotes because im sure The Man Himself didnt intend for it to be read this way, but its fun to interpret it as such) but no it really is.

what do u mean theres been an unseen force in your life that’s always been there but you hadn’t noticed until you experienced internalized transphobia talked about something tangentially related, that’s now preventing you from living your life and doing the things you want to do. That isn’t directly harming you, and that other people can’t notice so they dismiss you. What do u mean.

Closing in is literally a song about how they can’t believe they’ve been living their life like this and how they feel like they’re suffocating from the idea of continuing to live like this. They saw the border glow. If you will (sorry.)

The ending of borderline forever is pretty… its… well i guess for me to really have definitive thoughts on it i would have to decide on what i think the allegory is because scott taking the border back serves different purposes for different ones, good and bad. In terms of the trans allegory, I initially considered that it was like him. Accepting transness as part of themselves and learning to live with it and move on from that (effectively transitioning just not. Outwardly (?)). Until my boyfriend (forced to watch every scott the woz lore episode for (for the most part) the first time with me) pointed out n. No it kinda just seems like they can’t imagine themselves as any different/better and thinks This Is As Good As It Gets so they retreat back to their status quo. And like. Huh. Yeah. 100% it’s still affecting them negatively and they hate it but they’re ignoring it now they saved the world and they never have to succumb to the horror of being understood and perceived i mean no one else has to worry abt this ever again.

like… two years ago i wrote a fic about nonbinary scott called Abiura Di Me (it’s never getting finished, i was originally gonna do a little comic to end things off but it felt kind of ehh. the only way i’m finishing it is if i completely start over. which who knows.) and, despite not rlly having this interpretation at the time, i did want to kind of explore scott like that, thinking they’re ‘content’ with their life now and wondering why they still feel unhappy/unfulfilled.

In general scott feels like a character that’s so… rigid and strict with their identity/attributes of themselves in a way that, often, makes them miserable, or at the very least in a way that they’re self deprecating abt like i said b4. (i.e. their virginity, and how it oscillates something they take pride in vs. something that they’re ashamed of (b4 accepting it in barrel blast)(youtuber slash tumblr user prim m, in description of their barrel blast mashup did a rlly interesting lil. few sentences of analysis abt this in particular!!), but is, to them at least, a key part of who they are that they have to keep asserting + how they talk abt themselves liking video games and how, similarly it oscillates between smthn that brings them a lot of joy and again, smthn that they’re ashamed of thats another reason they feel isolated, but is nonetheless. Probably THE defining thing about scott.)

And while this^ feels like a general internalized transphobia thing, it’s probably THE reason i think they’re nonbinary specifically, although i fuck with transfem scott severely. I really like the idea of scott unburdening themselves from any kind of labels and kinda just being happy Existing, it’s essentially what they already want/think they already have just with less expectation put upon them to perform. You could say. Preventing themselves from being put into a box or. Or yknow… some kind of blue borde-[i am killed.]

But anyway to answer your question trans scott is my lifeblood i love them a lot. I like… half joke their egg has been fully cracked now bc of the bits they’re pulling now (mainly. Changing their name in same name, different game and. all of gamer products.) (and side note even though i can glean Transness from any1 of these jokes and that… in a lot of cases scott Is the butt of the joke in them they don’t rlly feel meanspirited most of the time. whether thats bc im in denial ro theres smthn to it thats any1s guess. Tee hee.) i think they’re figuring stuff out and how they want to be perceived and if this is really something they want for themselves (is, but going abt it weirdly/making a joke of it and not taking it seriously (again, goes w the whole self deprecating rigid identity thing!!)

I don’t think scott changes much upon transitioning. Even though i think in the stw universe hrt/gender affirming surgery does… pretty much whatever you want it to and none of what you don’t want (i’m going off the… one ama where he said smthn along the lines of the stw universe is a perfect bubble where nothing bad happens + being able to get treated for murder + how i think scott the real person would think that kinda stuff works AHDNDIJDDJ and also cus i think its funny) i dont think scott would Want to change much physically. But i really like the idea of them keeping dyed blue bits framing their face (get it.) + slightly longer hair. and boobs cause i think thats awesome. personality wise they’re exactly the same and still suck though. But w/o shame and i love them

[seerofmike]

Mike's Media Medley--November 2024

here's the second to last one of these this year before i do what i watched/played in dec post and then a post of my top 7 games and movies for the whole year :p got a little more proactive this month since i had some free time due to thanksgiving break so let's get started!

things i watched or played for the very first time this november--

Movies/Shows(2024 releases)--Wicked, Arcane season 2

Movies (non-2024 releases)--Run Lola Run (1998), Shaun of the Dead (2004)

Games-- Long Live the Queen (2013), Darkwood (2014), Hexcraft: Harlequin Fair (2021), Papa's Pizzeria Deluxe and Crime Scene Cleaner (2024),

Movies / Shows:

Arcane season 2

okay so i actually have a fair bit to say about arcane season 2 so i think i will save that for its own post but i didn't like it as much as season 1. im gonna give it like a 77.5/100. season 1 would've been a 90/100.

Run Lola Run (1998)

this is another movie i meant to see for its anniversary re-release and took a while to get around to but GOD this movie was weird and i really liked it i LOVE absurdism. the soundtrack was banging and there were just really interesting directorial choices here. it reminded me a lot of Good Time and i feel like i can almost trace a line between the two in terms of influence.

i think she should've broken up with her stupid boyfriend who looks a shocking amount like theo james tho

greatly enjoyed it. might rewatch it.

85/100

Shaun of the Dead (2004)

i meant to watch this on halloween but then I Forgor so it got rolled over into november. i thought it was pretty funny but i struggle to remember too much of it. it was written and directed by edgar wright so you know there was a lot of clever shit going on but also there were just some moments i remember making me go :/ but i dont entirely remember what. i think the movie really started losing me by the third act but i had a fun time watching it

70/100

Wicked

ok yeah it was pretty good

i wasn't really expecting to like this cuz i am just. NOT a musical person. like i liked hamilton but only because it wasn't like most other musicals and also ive literally never listened to all of hamilton LMFAO so i'm just not a musical person. that being said this WHOLE movie was really fun and i've seen it like 3 times

the set pieces (lots of real sets, and not cgi!) were beautiful and the character performances were all fun. ariana was like. surprisingly hilarious??? like i DID watch victorious growing up but i don't remember much so maybe i shouldn't be surprised. and cynthia put her whole fucking pussy into singing this thing

my only gripes are, based on what i've heard about the second half of the musical i wonder how they're gonna handle elphaba's sister + munchkin guy because i feel like they didn't do much here but that's a future problem for a future movie. and secondly i thought the. actual like. shooting of the movie was very bland considering its subject matter. like the camera is energetic ENOUGH for the musical scenes but i feel like it could be going crazier and don't even get me started on the LIGHTING of this thing but other than that. this was fun and i have a lot of the songs stuck in my head!

90/100

bideo games

Crime Scene Cleaner (2024)

haven't played a whole lot of this but it does scratch the same itch for me as like house flipper. i do have to be in the mood for those types of games though. this one has the addition of an incredibly awkward english translation so that's nice. i like the music stuff that's neat

Darkwood (2014)

ok so i played this for like 2 hours at a friend's and i was really trying to enjoy the Vibes but the inventory management stuff just like. kind of made it a slog. so i quit sawi

Hexcraft: Harlequin Fair (2021)

im gonna be honest i have no idea whats going on here i think its kind of just like. a Vibes and Atmosphere game. and i get what its going for as like this old school mmo type of things i think. i am enjoying it im just also stupid and dont get it yet. shout out to the estrogen pills filling up my inventory tho

Long Live the Queen (2013)

dog they got me doing spreadsheets. they got me writing stuff down with a pen and paper doing math. it's like disco elysium but instead of solving a murder you're trying to survive until your coronation and every roll of the die CAN kill you for ridiculous reasons what do you mean i need to invest in my decoration skills to beat the evil wizard fuck you im obsessed

Papa's Pizzeria Deluxe (2024)

ive never actually played pizzeria before! i appreciate that it's way more difficult than papa's freezeria but im gonna be honest some of these people need to be in jail for their pizza orders

[chainofclovers]

Ted Lasso 3x8 Thoughts

I’ve written all of these after seeing the episode only one time but I think this one might benefit from a rewatch more than anything else. Even if, unfortunately, this was absolutely my least favorite episode of this stupid wonderful show. (Or was it? What will a rewatch reveal to me?)

I have tried very hard not to have a lot of fun-time-ruining expectations about this Media Experience that has bewitched me since January fucking 2021. But I’ll admit that I had some serious expectations about the writing of this episode. Keeley Hazell and Dylan Marron! I was so excited to see what the ultimate Keeley Jones expert, the Keeley inspiration, the namesake herself, would have to say about this character. And actually, I thought Juno Temple got some really incredible material to work with, and I think she acted the living fuck out of this episode. I came away with a deeper understanding of Keeley’s character. A sense of who she is when she wakes up in bed next to someone who delights her. A sense of how it feels when someone she loves deeply disappoints and hurts her, and how it feels when someone she could have loved chooses a status over a human, and how it feels when someone she used to love holds himself accountable to her. 

There was so much about this episode that felt incredibly natural: 

everything about Juno’s performance 

the ways Jack is charming and tantalizing and expansive and the ways she’s small and cowardly and disappointing were perfect…wlw rep doesn’t happen in a vacuum of purity, this is wlw rep but this is also billionaire asshole rep this is venture capitalism rep this is richer-than-Rebecca-Welton rep this is manipulator rep

the perfect moment when Jade tells Nate to celebrate his victories after a lifetime of hearing his father shame him for taking pride in his successes

the anti-chemistry chemistry of Ted and Michelle and their long history

absolutely everything about Rebecca as lifeline and sense-talker for Ted (and soulmate…I’m so tired, but it just remains true that they’re fucking soulmates, and I hope they find out and I’m still pretty sure they will)

Beard in an apron making pancakes for his boys

Rebecca holding Keeley and telling her a possibly slightly exaggerated story about her introduction to masturbation to cheer up her beloved bestie

the utter pain of Roy being once again a very good person who has fucked up badly in a parking lot (this time with consequences)

Ted’s sweet little voices as he reads to Henry (and the WTF moment he has about himself after Henry has fallen asleep)

Last night my wife and I went out for a beer and broke down a bunch of these moments and how good they actually were, and how strange it was to have, honestly, a wealth of beautifully written and acted moments in an episode that really didn’t work for us. Because those highs made the lows seem so much lower. 

The locker room scene…I’ve watched anti-harassment and standards-of-business videos for my corporate job that are better than whatever that was. I understand what they were trying to do. And I understand that this is a story that has so much real-life crossover and is so incredibly important to get right and was probably so complicated and often painful to write that I feel very empathetic about the ways that all that pressure might have conspired to make this episode worse instead of better. I have no interest in judging those conditions, nor do I think it’s some big hilarious gotcha that this writer (well, writers) wrote about this topic. But I do have to judge the final product, which reads like a group of people taking turns saying things like “This is a bad thing in our society” and “Is it so bad?” and “Yes, fellow man, it really is that bad” and “But wait, why should I have any responsibility for this bad thing in our society?” and “Well, here is why you actually do have some responsibility for this bad thing in our society.” 

Even the Keeley-Rebecca scene wavers in and out, whereas normally a scene with those two is rock solid. They spend a lot of time explaining the societal conditions to each other instead of relying on the shorthand that two best friends would use to communicate. I mean, thank God Rebecca was totally with Keeley on this one—if she hadn’t been, that would’ve warranted something on the spectrum of lecture—but because she was, their exchange of lines about sexualization just had me feeling like I am watching a TV show about a very special issue, I am watching a TV show about a very special issue. 

Just as I’m not looking to Jack Danvers to convince a homophobe why bi people are cool (she could be the coolest most respectful gal in the world and she’s not gonna convince a bigot that queer people actually are great!), I desperately wish they’d taken a less heavy hand with this stuff. Keeley’s pain—her vehement lack of embarrassment, her disappointment—says it all. 

And I am so sorry to say that I feel like Brendan Hunt, who always, always knows when to dial it down and when to dial it up, when to bury and when to emote, dialed it way too far up when talking to Henry while Ted’s on the phone with Rebecca. I am a huge defender of how this show uses musical scenes; bring on the cheese, bring on the champagne bottle microphones, bring on the sing-alongs and heightened emotions and funeral rick rolls. Every other time a character has sung on this show, it’s been natural in the awkwardness and the slightly-outsized emotions and the inherent goofiness of it all. This time, they just could not create the right emotional conditions to earn this moment. I’m not going to give a detailed critique of a child's performance on a public website, but unfortunately I think this is a moment when the writers actually underwrote what Henry needed to say, because I’m mystified as to how he’s actually feeling and doing. Understanding those things is essential to understanding where this story is going, so I’m really upset that a huge chunk of information is missing now.

And that leads me to the incredibly unsettling ending. I had to be talked down off a ledge. I’m now pretty sure the ambiguities of how Ted and Michelle are around each other are about recognizing the ways they used to work, their common reference points, their knowledge of each other, while simultaneously experiencing yet another goodbye, yet another turning point in this (realistic, tbh) endless cycle of navigating the split. But I’m really struggling to understand Ted’s headspace in the final couple minutes of the show, whereas usually I feel like I’m practically living inside his brain as I watch. 

I’ve loved s3 so far. I always knew it would be as distinct a thing of its own just as much as s1 and s2 were distinct from each other. As much as I’d be enjoying a return to the specific magic of s1, it would be impossible and wrong and even irresponsible of them to try to recreate it, and I think it would fall flat, and so I’m glad I knew that would never be my experience with this season of TV. And yet it’s a little unnerving, even as this person who’s tried to keep my high expectations open-ended, to feel so bummed about 3x8. The conversation over that beer about all the really good stuff did make me feel better, because it reminded me that the really badly done parts of this episode were less about story than about the circumstances of the storytelling. To me, those circumstances make the clunkers more forgivable instead of less. But it was still disappointing.

Probably every Ted Lasso fan feels this way on some level, but I am having such a singular experience. I am a fifteen-year-old girl again, holed up in my room because “no one understands………why I feel the way I feel about Ted Lasso.” The membrane between my takes and my empathetic yet judgmental reactions to other people’s takes is permeable and problematic. It’s shameful, but I want everyone to love it because I love it and I want everyone to calm down because I’m calm and I want everyone to be at the edge of their seat and not at all calm because I’m at the edge of my seat and not at all calm and I want everyone to love Ted/Rebecca even if they never kiss because I love Ted/Rebecca (even if they never kiss) and I want everyone to have hated this episode because I hated it and I want everyone to give it time and space to breathe because I’m trying to do that and I want everyone to wait and see what fucking happens because I’ve got some kind of freak patience when it comes to this fucking experience. I want to be my best self and I am not my best self. I’m insane about this show, and I’m not working on the issue. Eek. 

[andmaybegayer]

Last Monday of the Week 2024-04-29

back from the work conference.

Listening: Podcast entry here, I am just into the part where I think The Magnus Archives starts getting good, around the late 80's when we start getting some answers for why the Institute is like that.

I have often been a person who complains when a monster-of-the-week story stops being monster-of-the-week to pursue drawn out plotlines, so it's nice that there's the regular supply of statements that occasionally intersect with the main plot.

Reading: Didn't feel like taking Piranesi on the work trip so it's been on hold, instead got through the back half of the Harrow reread. She's so broken up over Gideon she drives me insane. I'll get to Nona at some point. Once again it really is a different book when you have all the facts in your head ahead of time.

I do desperately want to see extended versions of some of the dream river bubble AU's that show up when she unfucks her brain. I know some of them have names you can search on AO3 I just can't remember what they are now.

Watching: Rewatched Titane (2021) because sometimes you need some distressing body horror. Truly one of the gender movies of all time.

Titane has me constantly yelling at the screen going "what is your plan here. what is your next move. why are you doing this."

Playing: A couple coworkers brought interesting card games to the conference and I hung out for a couple hours playing them on the last night.

6 nimmt! is a really clever compact card game that takes the form of a modified game of Reverse Nim with closed hands and multiple stacks. Supports a very large number of players efficiently.

Spot it! which is a game I've seen around but never played, a kind of hyper-snap. There's a deck of 55 cards with 57 symbols laid out so that every card has one and only one symbol in common with any of the other cards. Reveals how astoundingly hard it can be to pattern-match on two large sets of complex images.

Making: More progress on the lua ws2812 driver, running into memory issues that I need to understand rather than just winging it. As always I could utterly trivialize this by just using an application processor but it feels like overkill.

Tools and Equipment: If you use a terminal on a computer I have to recommend bitmap fonts. Conventional vector fonts look nice and smooth and they work well when you don't know what size text will be displayed but being able to do perfect pixel alignment on all your characters makes them both bold and compact, allowing for crisp neat edges and high contrast.