#[kind of dash commentary; kind of related to my last post]

[unlockthestars]

"I'm pretty much always accepting appointments or just willing to talk in a more informal capacity," he says. Sometimes, it's good to just be available for other people to talk to.

[here-am-i-sitting-in-a-tin-can]

Intr0duct!on

please do not send me asks for donations, here’s why. petition to recount and revote the 2024 presidential election. my nsfw blog: @justagirlwithanoralfixation my rp blogs: @thorns-and-rosier @your-chchcherry-bomb

on repeat:

• Hello, you can call me Luca or Skye (but feel free to call me nicknames based on my url, let me be one of those people)

• I’m genderfluid, so my pronouns change a lot (card). Please check here what they currently are before referring to me.

• pronouns: he/they, last updated November 27th

• any gendered terms are always fine

• also important: I am offline every day from midnight till 7 am, CET. Everything posted in that time frame is queued/scheduled.

• I am happily married to @sotiredimbored & @aidens-ocean-galaxy /p & @calypso10191 /r

• my gender is whatever coked up Bowie had going on.

• I’m biromantic or whatever (I just like people) and somewhere on the ace spectrum, but too lazy to find a label

• and a minor

• me living in Germany is cause for multiple mental breakdowns a week over the fucking Deutsche Bahn, don’t be put off.

• I am kind of fucked in the head, don’t expect me to be normal. Ever. • As in I have depression and am probably autistic, but testing isn’t available to me so self diagnosing will have to do.

• I’m also legally married to Marlene McKinnon, so back off, she’s mine.

• here’s my Pinterest if you’re interested

• my blog is a safe space for you unless you find yourself in my DNI.

• DNI: transphobes, homophobes, racists, sexists, zionists, MDNI blogs, etc.

• If you don’t like my stuff, the door is right there, don’t be rude about it.

• please don’t hesitate to send me your thoughts and questions about literally anything. Inbox and DMs are always wide open. • I’m sorry if you followed me for something specific and now have a bunch of shit I reblog on your dash

• and also please send music recs, I love discovering new music.

Tags I use regularly:

#skye’s silly thoughts ➾ shower thoughts, lyrics I relate to and shitposting, I don’t always put TWs so beware

#my fucked up family ➾ self explanatory

#my poor poetry attempts ➾ my poetry/writing

#cal <3 ➾ my beloved, he is half my soul, as the poets say

#my silly bug boys ➾ about The Beatles, my commentary on Get Back, etc. #love letters ➾ submissions

#luca’s fanfic ➾ my fan fiction

#music stuff ➾ anything music related

#skye’s asks ➾ my asks

#fic recs <3 ➾ fan fic recommendations

moodboards by my beloved (cal <3):

by juno my love:

More About Me. My Taste In Music. About Requests. Microfic Navigation. My Cover Of Landslide.

[estrelladeishtar-archive]

Updates, updates, updates...

So first off I do wanna say I appreciate the 800+ follows ! it means a lot & I do appreciate it a lot & hope y’all like what I have to put out sdjflkds & I hope all o y’all are doin fine & shit. But, all that said... onto the post itself...

It’s been a while since I’ve done an update post on here tbh, & I figured I could probs at least leave some commentary on how things are rn, & also admittedly apologize for not being as active on here compared to other places jdslkfsd- All in all a lot has kept me away & well that’s just what this post is about though I’ve been ofc doing art still.

As per usual I’m most active on twitter ? Though I’m doing my best to start making more of a comeback on here too LOL & I’m sorta active on instagram. I do wanna post more on here & stuff personally, so do expect me to have more things to throw out here & there once I got the time & energy to, since life’s kept me pretty busy overall as is.

Coping with chronic health issues, coping with life circumstances as a whole, so on & so forth basically is the gist of it. Along with self reflecting, spending time w friends I have & also in general other interests.

Tossing under a read more so as to not like, clog dashes & all that lmao

So, for more in depth talk I suppose...

A lot of this year (as well as late last year actually) tbh has been... spent on self reflection & healing from stuff in my past if I’ma be honest. I won’t go into depth on it, since a lot of it is very personal & not stuff I like to really talk about (not to mention its uh, very trigger heavy if we’re to be honest, but I personally don’t like the thought of disclosing my trauma & past in general to people I’m not close enough to), but the tl;dr is me learning I’m more traumatized than I thought since I uh, earlier this year ended up uncovering a lotta shit I’d repressed/never addressed & always ran away from in regards to my own healing 💀

It’s... been a very emotionally intense couple of months (if not over a whole year considering when this all started), with letting myself process everything I’d buried in full. Excavating & additionally, processing years upon years worth of intense stuff that was locked away & didn’t realize... is not easy at all... but it’s necessary for healing I suppose.

So I’ve been learning to heal all of that, as well as, y’know, coping with more shit life’s thrown at me that’s been hard & been tryna figure out how to deal with it... but I mean... at this point that’s just what I’m used to so, nothing out of the ordinary I suppose sjlkfs

& Ofc health issues in & of itself are their own hassle since autoimmune disease is a bitch but what can ya do right?   ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I’ve also been diving into multiple interests in general outside of art, like writing or studying astrology stuff or my own witchcraft shit, so on? Just things to give me somethin else to do, so its another factor that’s added to me not being as active art wise. Though I’ve still kept up at least lmao, but yeah, there’s that too.

My birthday also lowkey came to pass back in august sdsjlkf so, I’ve finally hit 25 now? Ngl I still haven’t really. Processed that I’m 25 although a part of it’s also related to the whole healing from stuff but, not gonna go into depth on that here.

But yeah. A lot of that along w severing ties to some & also making new bonds & healing, has been a major focus for me. It’s not been easy a feat, but its stuff that I personally feel is necessary for me & takes priority over art. Plus, amidst this I’ve also kinda lowkey realized I’m just in general a slow artist jsdlkfs but I mean, that’s fine really. I kind of prefer taking my time w artworks & havin them turn out the way I want, so there’s that too.

Also over time come to realize what I really wanna do w my life so like. It’s, been A LOT.

Art wise I’ve been doing fine & well, I do have plans to in time re-open comms & stuff altho by that point prices will have changed & it’ll def be me being a lot pickier which ones I take (it’d be a selection process if I do reopen & v limited slots). Mainly because I just wanna make sure I’m not burning myself out like I used to be just to get by with helping on bills sometimes, & in the meantime well figure that mess out myself. Plus I lowkey wanna be able to be more self indulgent w my work so there’s that too, & also focus on art trade stuff w mutuals & other things I decide to do that are more personal.

Lot of thoughts lot of musings lots of things going through the mind

But overall I guess that’s just the gist? You have your solid updates post & everything now so that’s, pretty much what’s gone on with me on my end. Ik I am keeping details personal/to myself a lot so a good portion of this may be vague but, for good reason. But its why I’ve been away though I’m still keeping up w my art every now & then.

Its 7 am rn & I haven’t slept (though this also is the norm for me 💀 ) so I don’t really have much else to say cause brain fried sdjlfsd But, all in all I do hope all o y’all have been fine & stuff, & not to worry about me bc I’m p much managing so yeah.

[1ddiscourseoftheday]

Thurs 18 July

Liam played the Jeddah World Fest today in Saudi Arabia- the Human Rights Foundation, encouraged by Nicki Minaj's withdrawal from the fest in protest of the human rights violations of the Saudi Crown Prince (who presented the festival) had called on Liam to cancel, and expressed disappointment that he did not. Liam said onstage “I want to say something really important. Music unites us and it’s good to be here with you tonight,” which may or may not have been commentary on the issue; if so, well, I'd personally rather he say nothing than that but whatever that's just me. I haven't seen a full video of the event yet, I don't know if he said anything else, but I feel like we would have heard so I'm gonna say no. I'm sure the performance itself was great, Liam looked handsome and did a long set of the usual mix of solo hits, covers, and 1D songs. He also liked a pic that he took of his trainer/friend at his gym that I definitely thought was another aging app pic at first glance but no it's just a person who is actually older than forty, imagine that. Also in personal news I'm seeing the Hugo Liam ads constantly on both my instagram and tumblr now, that's what happens when you google Liam I guess; if you too would like your ad content to be confusingly indistinguishable from your dash content, try this trick!

Pictures of Harry in Canada with the Gerber family were posted today- it's not clear if they're FROM today (I mean probably they are but I'm just saying) so all they really tell us is that he was there (which we knew) or still is there or went back there again so like essentially nothing but anyway there's your Harry news- he still exists and at some point recently ate in a restaurant in Canada with friends. This is, as the real newscasters would say, still a developing story (to the extent that it is a story) so perhaps by tomorrow's post it will look different *stay tuned to this station for updates!*

Another Louis pic is out in advance of the 1883 mag feature, of him in a white shirt with chains on it, and there are so many questions to ask! Like, how many pics are there? Are they all so pretty?! Is there- ya know what I'm just gonna cut you off right there YES. Yes there is a poster. By the time this magazine is released we're all gonna be able to paper our walls entirely with Louis posters- and there are worse design choices you could make I suppose... Louis tweeted, either last night or this morning depending on location and now half of y'all think he's in the UK after all due to time zone stuff, well that's what I'm here for after all, to try to keep up with the ever shifting tides of tumblr speculation so there you go. It seems we think he's in the UK now. He tweeted to say he's had enough of the aging app so, predictably, the replies were flooded with aged up pics of him well I don't know what you expected sir but more importantly he said, "bore off with this older face app blahhhhhh" which is a hell of a sentence and mood. Why the big rush to see the future? We'll all be underwater anyway. That's what the boys will look like when they've used their millions to jet off to live on Mars and we're stuck here scrambling for radioactive scraps and wistfully reading dystopian AU fics.

Niall doesn't mind the aging app, he posted the pic of him and Lewis AGAIN to show off Paul Smith Design calling him the new Beyonce which, well when someone calls you the new Beyonce I guess you're gonna be stoked no matter how old you look in the picture huh? And he made another sponsored watch post, this one just saying Omega and the Open and I.... I just can't. Let me drown in the rising waters with the polar bears don't make me make this omega joke I'm begging you it's too much even for me.

And in other water(sports) related news we learned that Little Mermaid director Rob Marshall met his husband in a bathroom at an audition! What the fuck kind of twin flame twinning nonsense is this?? Can a couple be soulmates with another couple? Is this some kind of cosmic double date fate?! I now firmly believe Harry's really doing the film, why not, bring on the announcement, I give up what is reality or logic there is only weird news and lies (Only Weird News and Lies: the Official 1D Story™️)

[wemadeemcocoa]

유 : A role-play related instance that you regret/are ashamed/not proud of?

Mun things

This is more I’m not proud of caving and letting myself get walked over. I mentioned it briefly in a post last night but this is the full story of why it’s so hard for me to write with OCs, even though there are plenty of lovely ones out there. But I’m not proud of the way this even has effective the way i react to OCs. And I’ve tried to be more open to them, but in the end, I just end up remembering this and not being brave enough to try and give many a chance. So to all of you, i do apologize. This is why. Also under a read more cause long.

But this is also why that person I was talking about last night got treated the way they were. Was because I wasn’t about to deal with the stuff below again. 

When I first joined the community, I was writing as Luna. And i started following people, dived off the deep end of the board, broke a few of the basic rules (because again first time and was kind of just going for it. Quickly learned and fixed it). There was this OC that i immediately didn’t want to write with because obvious Gary Stu. Was a half dementor, super overpowered OC with an extremely tragic and brutal past. I think there was also something about him being part god too. Like i said, classic Gary Stu in the “too special” sense. Character was also a bit of a jerk, and overall didn’t want to write with them.

Well I was sharing memes. And honestly, shippy ones weren’t a good starting place anyway, but we all know i’m a slut for romance, so I shared a couple. And that was their first interaction with me and Luna, trying to get a kiss. I sent a message saying that hey, Luna and I don’t know your muse, I’m not really comfortable answering that meme because how can Luna give a kiss about missing someone she doesn’t know. And they just immediately went into this “well my character has seen death so he can see thestrals.” And I was just like “Okay so? that doesn’t mean they know each other.” They continued to try to push their idea of how they already knew each other and blah. So i finally said “Look, i’m not comfortable with that. I would really prefer starting at the very beginning and getting to know how they work together.”

So we did...but they continued to send shippy things when I posted them. And when I was writing ships or doing dash commentary with others I shipped with, would jump in and interfere. And overall it was just a really toxic situation. The FC might have been ruined too if it weren’t for another partner i adored instead.

In the end it took a long time to finally be rid of this person, who after i told them off for not respecting me or my rules made this big long post about how they came to roleplay on tumblr to avoid rules after taking english and blah blah blah. It was truly disgusting that they didn’t think they owed anyone respect. 

[bonesandblood-sunandmoon]

The Baggage of Love

CoA prompt for Dec 2019 - “Love” [Call for Submissions]. Under a cut due to length; there’s a few sections: Family, Friends, So-Called “Puppy Love”, Love is a Four-Letter Word, and “not gay as in happy, but queer as in i love you”. (Link to that quoted post is provided.)

Family

In terms of feeling (personal experience) and topic (impersonal), there’s an iceberg when approaching familial love (and the lack thereof). I don’t have the spoons for poking at the effects of our parents’ lives on us, divorce, growing up in an essentially single parent house, or the fragility of familial love, usually framed in terms of acceptance, around queer and trans identities. Other people have written about the popularity of the Found Family trope in queer fandom, intergenerational trauma, and all kinds of family stuff, and I am but a simple blogger. I do remember that it was first with my family that I was exposed to the concept of love and saying that I loved them, and when push comes to shove, it’s not uncommon for stories to default to parental love as an important element of a character’s story (‘at least their family will always be there for them’).

Familial love can be fraught with complications of our own parent-child or caretaker-child baggage (if grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. raised us), but I suspect there are some aros who would say that it’s a different flavor of love from what’s talked about in relation to aromanticism. The whole offspring thing is a whole ‘nother can of worms that could be a separate CoA prompt, but I can see child rearing being separate from the alloromantic relationship elevator in a way that isn’t incompatible with being aro, even if co-parenting is usually presented romantically in most media. (At least, off the top of my head, I associate it with ‘becoming a step-parent’ narratives, but that doesn’t mean non-romantic co-parenting isn’t out there.)

Friends

I know I’ve seen it cross my dash about not emphasizing platonic love over romantic love or over emphasizing friends as a means of ‘aros are still human’, but I didn’t save links for an idea of how discussions about prioritizing friendship have been happening. On the one hand, I can understand how uncomfortable and alienating this can be for aplatonic aros, but on the other hand, I spend most of my time in the allo-allo world with people who clearly prioritize romantic love over friendships, so it feels like I don’t actually experience very much prioritization of friendship. I don’t mean that the aro community shouldn’t be cautious of prioritizing platonic love and relationships. It’s more of a personal balancing act, but I’m not quite finding the right words for what I want to say right now.

(Aside: When I think of love that hasn’t been otherwise specified, I think of the middle school banter with some of my friends - something like a minor inconvenience leads to “I hate you” “Aw, I love you, too” - juxtaposed against feeling blindsided in high school that, apparently, I’m misleading others if I say ‘I love you’ to a friend. Unbeknownst to me, I was dating someone for about two or three months in 9th grade because of that. I think of wanting to tell someone that I was proud of them facing one of their fears during the course of that day’s work (“I love you for trying”). I think of reassuring friends that I care about them.)

When I think of just the word ‘love’, I think of an amorphous, unspecific feeling love that seems to reasonably include friendships. Some posts that were probably meant to stay personal/venting posts from aro bloggers use love to mean romance, but sometimes, that feels about as restrictive as allo-allo people assuming I must be dating a friend in order to say love. I may not feel as comfortable saying it out loud anymore, but I still love my friends in a way that’s hard to name or specify any further yet isn’t romantic.

So-Called “Puppy Love”

I feel like I’ve explained this before, but I have memories of crushes that have faded and become hard to translate to present/future perceptions. One of my past rounds of shadow work was specifically aimed at recovering from a crush on a friend ending our friendship, and I’ve always been embarrassed to talk about it, particularly as the final straw that set off one of my depressive episodes in high school. ~ One of those overperforming emos writing sad poetry about an unrequited crush? The emotional dysregulation of experiencing the first major heartbreak and becoming a depressed teen stereotype? ~ It was cringey before calling things cringey was a thing. (Also, please don’t go looking for my middle/high school era DA account where that’s been immortalized.)

In hindsight, I can recognize a whole bunch of comparatively minor crushes were probably more based on aesthetic attraction because they didn’t actually come with the same type of ‘butterflies’ and daydreaming about hypothetical futures. The crushes that were more substantial and had to be accommodated were more likely on friends, and it faired better to just wait out the feelings with no disclosure. I can think of at least one occasion where I was semi-aware that my crush was aesthetically based and I didn’t actually want to date him, but that awareness didn’t come along until undergrad. The last situation I definitely call a crush was in Sophomore year of undergrad and involved a friend, who in the past year found out about it and wasn’t upset or anything. (Shout out to friendship that can survive accidentally revealing that time I had a crush on her because she follows my tumblr.)

The Lightning Incident (as I so creatively refer to it) was this random, out of the blue event in my (I believe) Senior year of undergrad where my brain just kinda blanked, I felt internally giddy, and I just forgot how to speak while a cute girl I didn’t know was talking to me. Like, I just mentally shut down a bit and wandered away from the salad bar in a daze. For sheer experience on my end, I’m including it here, but I’ve still never been sure if it was a crush because my brain forgetting how to talk is incredibly counterproductive to interaction (and hasn’t happened before). I felt incredibly nervous talking to her during future conversations, but it didn’t quite feel the same as what I’ve experienced as a crush before. (I’m also 99% sure she never picked up on any of my internal weird feeling experiences and hasn’t found out since then, so yay me for keeping a lid on that.)

Love is a Four-Letter Word

Originally, I had something about hearing the line attributed to this section from a cartoon villain and the presentation of an inability to love in some form as a shortcut to villain coding planned, but then, in the midst of ‘pre-headache brain static’, I remembered a line from a post, “M is for the lack of madness | Called love that others see” (‘Aromantic’ acrostic poem). For a certain amount of aros, it’s probably just a relatable line, and they don’t necessarily give it much thought. I still haven’t been able to figure out how I feel about equating love to madness. On the one hand, there’s somewhat of a literary tradition, so it’s not exactly a new idea:

“Love is merely a madness and, I tell you, deserves as well a dark house and a whip as madmen do, and the reason why they are not so punished and cured is that the lunacy is so ordinary that the whippers are in love, too” (As You Like It, Act 3 scene 2, No Fear Shakespeare link).

On the other hand, I have complicated feelings around the idea because of my own mental health issues. But if a crush ended a friendship that was important to me in high school, and it was tied up with depression, doesn’t that make it sorta relatable? Maybe for someone else, but I wind up thinking about the ashamed teen who couldn’t explain what was wrong in such a way to be believed and get help because it was ‘just an unrequited crush I would outgrow quickly’, and the isolation of not being able to talk to anyone about a same-gender crush that didn’t help the depression. I may not have had to face homosexuality being listed as a paraphilia, sexual orientation disturbance, or other listing in the DSM, but that didn’t necessarily mean it was a supportive atmosphere to reach out to ‘trusted’ adults.

I don’t have the energy to poke at other relevant details around my mental health right now, but there’s a certain knee jerk reaction to feel uncomfortable with the implication that an element of a romantic, sexual, or otherwise specified orientation may get people called crazy. I know aros are usually trying to joke about alloromantics (punching up, as it were), and no one wants to disclaimer their posts for every little thing. It’s entirely possible I’m overthinking this, and it’s bumping up against other baggage (around gender therapy and not being ‘too mentally ill to be believed’, for example), but I would rather not have ‘love is madness’ be a thing that people try to fold into permanent aro infrastructure. (The use of ‘love’ to mean ‘romantic love’ might also cast too wide a net and people who use ‘love’ non-romantically might think they’re being included.) If someone wants to call me ‘mad’, I’ve got brain shenanigans and symptoms to use as justification instead.

“not gay as in happy, but queer as in i love you”

There’s something about the first half of this post [link] that seems suited for spoken word poetry, and I don’t know how to translate my feelings into a written reply or commentary. However, I want to end with this because it scratches a hopepunk itch, and since I’m wrapping up this post on New Year’s Eve 2019, I feel like I could use a little hope for 2020. Maybe love is a messy concept that’s broad and narrow, felt by everyone and felt by no one (depending on each definition), and carries only as much meaning as you give it. Maybe love has no inherent feeling that’s universal, and it’s all down to action and inaction, like radical kindness. (I don’t know.)

[official-alan-dabiri]

Official-Alan-Dabiri and the 5 Stages of Grief

Okay, I’ve been doing some grieving for the esports side of Heroes of the Storm, and I’d like to kind of put my thoughts out here for my three human and three-hundred pornbot followers. I’m just going to step outside of what has been mockingly referred to as my “blizzard fursuit” and be real for a minute here. Hi, I’m Rob. I am a Heroes of the Storm player since alpha, and a Heroes of the Storm esports fan since before the custom game mode had been added, when maps were random and they had to be cast afterwards off of replays. The recent announcement of the cancellation of HGC and Heroes of the Dorm hit me - and the rest of the community - very hard. So I’m just going to touch on the stages of grief as they pertain to this event, and my feelings on the whole matter.

For those of you here for silly patch note commentary, fanart, and moba memes, I’ll put this behind a read more out of respect for your dashes.

Denial

I think Denial is the shortest stage we’re facing here. Denial came when there was no announcement of 2019 HGC for two months, and some of us shrugged it off. At Blizzcon, outward-facing Blizzard employees assured the fans, the casters, the players, and other esports-attached people that HGC would be back in 2019, and be as big or bigger. I’m not going to say that they lied, but their statements fed into the idea that this would be fine, and some people latched onto that in the wake of the expanding silence before it was finally broken.

To be in denial is a defense mechanism. It is denying that this is happening in order to numb our emotions and make it through the first wave of pain. Here, denial is the shortest stage because this is so believable. In the wake of so many questionable moves Activision-Blizzard has made lately, the severity and suddenness is a shock, not the event itself. This is really happening. Professional-level Heroes of the Storm is dead. And of course it is. After all, these are the numbskulls who made a mobile game the centerpiece of Blizzcon 2018, right?

Anger

I just want to preface this by noting that I, personally, never move past anger. I may struggle through it, but that anger never goes away. After the loss of my maternal grandfather to COPD over twenty years ago, the smell of cigarettes still enrages me. So please understand that when I say that I will never forgive Blizzard for this, I am not being melodramatic. I will be angry about this for a very long time.

Anger, however, needs to be appropriately directed and channeled. I’m upset at losing my weekend HGC fix. I’m upset that my amateur team no longer has a pro scene to watch together and work to emulate. And I’m very upset that Heroes of the Dorm is gone, since it was the catalyst that drew many of my friends into the game in the first place. This loss is the end of an era of entertainment. But that’s not the real crime here.

Hundreds of people - some of whom I admire and idolize - across the world are now unemployed. Very abruptly. Right before Christmas. Forty players, per region, are now out in the cold, along with any coaches and managers the team might employ. Add to that the casters, production staff, and analysts? Those people just got hosed. Some of those players dropped out of college to be here. Some of those players dropped out of college literally this fall in preparation for the 2019 season, after being picked up after the region’s playoffs, or fighting their way up in the Open Division and through the Crucible. There are people who have leases they’ve signed based on income that just got ripped away from them. Blizzard just brutally smacked down every one of them, tore away their jobs, and smashed their dreams.

And they did it in a blog post. That was how most of the players and casters learned about this. This wasn’t an event that was common knowledge, and the announcement just broke the NDA for them all. They have been living their lives up until literally the blog post, making plans dependent on HGC 2019. They found out they got fired by reading the news. And Blizzard selfishly kept this under their hats for this long to make sure that no players, sponsors, or other organizations got spooked before they were already locked in to Blizzard’s other esports. This was the worst way to do it. It’s unforgivable.

Bargaining

The bargaining stage is about seeking control over a terrible situation. It’s looking for how things should be when how they are is unacceptable. And for this announcement, there are a thousand different ways that would be preferable to this.

For one thing, I would love if this just weren’t happening. If only the HGC were just on a limited budget. If only the HGC was following a different, cheaper format. If only either HGC or Heroes of the Dorm were gone, and not both. For another, I would love if the call had been made six months ago. Cancel the crucible, make sure everyone has months of notice before the doors close to seek other work, or go back to school, or whatever. Literally any notice whatsoever would be preferable to this. Even if it’s just all in NDAs and the public doesn’t know, half of my anger is mitigated just because I know those folks aren’t entirely hosed.

Of course, the greatest bargain at all is to go all the way back. What if they’d designed the HGC better? The HGC was set up to ensure its own demise. The pros being paid salaries by Blizzard was great for their financial security, but those salaries elevated them above everyone else. The rest of the scene withered. Was Tempo Storm ever going to play against an open division team? No. Never. Maybe a scrim if they had connections, but nothing serious. In the days before HGC, those players had a really high chance of getting matched into the best pro team in round 1 just because of the seeding. Amateur tournaments are few and far between right now, and most of them go without casters, or have inexperienced casters who don’t have the platform to bring these games to a sizable audience. The part of the scene that still exists is now tiny to the point of invisibility. If HGC had been designed on a points system like it was for the first blizzcon, though? Those structures would still exist, instead of having been steamrolled over to build the now-derelict HGC parking lot. Scaling back Blizzard’s involvement with that system would have been a minimal change.

Depression

A lot of the community seems to be in this stage. A lot of people think this was a deathblow to the game itself, and, to be honest, it might be. The announcement was accompanied by the news that the development team is shrinking, and that content will be coming out slower, but with no indication of how slow. There is no shortage of doom and gloom, with people predicting no new hero for months - or even years - and balance patches being made by devs with no resources to test or monitor the results.

Ultimately, this is a downer. I’m not going to tell you it’s not bad. The lack of a pro scene to aspire to immediately kills the interest of a nontrivial number of players, who thought they could one day break into that world, whether as a player or as a caster. And the lack of those players kills the motivation of content creators, who are making build guides, tier lists, and learning-related content for those players. Make no mistake, this scene will shrink because of this. Your favorite pro players, streamers, youtubers, and other content creators might just move on, looking for other games to excel in, and take some amount of their audience with them.

Even if you weren’t part of this community, (why are you reading this, then?) Heroes of the Storm ranked 12th on the most influential esports of 2018. The loss of this is going to spook literally every sponsor across all esports, planting the seed of doubt that this is a worthwhile use of funds when it could all vanish overnight at the whim of the game’s publisher.

And even if you don’t care about esports, the professional level of the game had an effect that rippled down through all levels of play. Do you remember suddenly seeing Xul in your games a whole lot earlier this year? Do you remember Alarak suddenly being a contested pick in the last two months? Surely you noticed that the “solo lane” role suddenly became a thing last year when Blaze and Yrel were added, couldn’t main tank, but still had high win rates. All of that was the pro scene trickling down.

What happens now? What’s going to take the place of that influence? I don’t know. All I know is that when the playerbase looks up to see the highest level of play now, there’s just a void where HGC was.

Acceptance

Regardless of your feelings on the matter, though, Heroes of the Storm existed before HGC, and will continue to exist afterwards. It might end up being a much sparser community, with the pros moving on and the content creators in exodus, but we’ll still be here. I mean, I will, at least. They aren’t pulling the plug on the game, no matter what some angry nerd says about false hope. We’ve got years of gameplay and years of snarky patch notes ahead of us. Not to mention that all Blizzard content is HotS content. I’ve got Overwatch heroes to steal from Jeff, and Starcraft units to turn into poc, and lore-defying skins to slap on everyone in between. Heroes of the Storm is here to stay, and anyone who says otherwise is planning for a future calamity that’s still decades away.

That said, there are still high-level Heroes of the Storm tournaments happening. As I believe I mentioned previously, I have a team in Heroes Lounge, and that league has confirmed that they’re not stopping anytime soon. Similarly, the Nexus Gaming Series is gearing up, with sign-ups in January. In fact, there’s a number of options for community tournaments, both to participate in and to watch, with more undoubtedly coming, once the pros and casters finish their grieving and come together, looking to make it clear that they care about the game more than Blizzard does, and they’re willing to show it.

We all care more than blizzard does, or we wouldn’t be this upset. So let’s keep our eyes to the skies and give our support to whatever comes out of this. Because if the death of the pro scene would kill this game, it’s up to us to support a semi-pro scene ourselves to keep HotS alive.

[fallenlombax-a]

Mobile Rules

These are the rules for Mobile Users (put under read more due to long post)

I will add or adjust the rules as I go since this is still a work in progress FICTION =/= REALITY MUN =/= MUSE I track the tag fallenlombax and @fallenlombax Ratchet is an alien (and not an animal). As such, he is able to interact in other worlds/universes as well as interacting with other characters including humans without having to make change for his character to fit in. This RP blog is also an Ask blog. Feel free to send me or Alister questions relating to him or ask questions about me or something else. Not Allowed No reblogging threads that have nothing to do with you in the interaction.

NOT ALLOWED

No God Modding anon or not. God modding is when you control the actions of someone’s muse. I control my muse and you control yours. Small actions like kissing or your muses’s hand taking my muses hand or picking them up to take them somewhere is acceptable. If you are unsure, don’t be afraid to ask me for confirmation. No Hate/Harassment on this blog anon or not. I made this blog to have fun just like any other RPers who made their own blogs OC or fandom for the same thing. While you are free to message me about certain threads, please do not constantly nag me just because I haven’t replied in the last few days. Persistence will result in being unfollowed and then blocked. I have college and I also have my own personal life going on there. Not only that, the time I take to reply is due to me coming up with one to work for the thread without making it look stupid. So please be patient. I will not RP with minors under 18 in regards to smut. It is against the law for an adult like me to consent to RP smut with minors. I also want complete honesty with your age so that I know how old you are. Don’t try to lie to me about your age just so that you can have smut. I can and will find out. Lying about your age and going so far as to pester or threaten me will result in me unfollowing and blocking you. I really don’t want to get in trouble RPing smut with minors.

Following

✦Semi-selective ✦Will work with mutuals/non-mutuals ✦Multi-fandom ✦Multi-ship ✦Multi-verse ✦Open to Crossovers and OCs

Triggers

I don’t have any triggers, but I will tag my threads with the more known triggers as appropriate. If there is a particular trigger you want tagged, please let me know so that I can tag it. I tag them as trigger ///.

Interactions

Will RP with anyone if characters are able to interact especially if outside Ratchet and Clank fandom. If you want to RP with me, just drop on in. Anons are also welcome to do things like memes, M!As, etc. Tagging me in starters, going to my ask box, or sending in a meme I reblogged are one of the many ways you can interact with me! IMing me for plotting also works too. Don’t hesitate to talk with me if you have a plot idea. Most of my threads are written in paragraph form. You don’t have to match my writing, but I expect more than a few sentences. 1-3 sentences is not fine for actual threads. I don’t mind 1-3 sentence replies in dash commentaries or crack, but in threads I need more than that. Seeing 1-3 sentences as a reply makes it feel like I’m the only one moving the thread along. Repeats of that will result in the thread being dropped.

Shipping

This blog is multiship meaning that every single relationship Ratchet has is in its own universe. There is no cheating of relationships involved unless stated otherwise. I do enjoy love triangles such as polyamory and polygamy. While I do love shipping, I ship based on chemistry based on how well our muses interact with each other. If you feel that your muse might be able to get together with mine, IM me so that we can discuss it. I am very friendly and won’t bite. I encourage everyone to ask me anything whether it’s about my muse or a possible ship. The ships can be romantic, platonic, family, rival, hateship, etc. However, please don’t force ship.

Important

If you are interested with RPing with me, you are free to plot via ask box or IM/messaging. If you wish to drop a thread, don’t be afraid to let me know. If I have somehow forgotten something, you are free to kindly let me know since due to things I have to juggle around in my life, I tend to be forgetful. There’s also the chance that Tumblr did something for the thread to end up lost. Anons are free to ask anything about my muse in terms of relationship and other things.

Style & M!A [Magic Anons]

I use icons for interacting, but it’s not necessary on your end I am pretty open to any kind of M!As (Magic Anons) so long as it’s not completely ridiculous.

Themes

✦AUs [Alternate Universes] ✦Dark ✦NSFW [Violence, gore, blood, etc.] ✦SFW ✦Angst ✦Romantic ✦Humor ✦Crack ✦Crossover ✦Smut (RPer has to be 18+)

If you have reached the end of this page, thanks for reading my rules! I don’t send passwords or make you like a post. What’s important is having fun, so I hope that we can interact and more importantly have fun!

[eternalidealist-archive]

These are the rules for Mobile Users (put under read more due to long post)

I will add or adjust the rules as I go since this is still a work in progress FICTION =/= REALITY MUN =/= MUSE I track the tag eternalidealist and @eternalidealist This RP blog is also an Ask blog. Feel free to send me or Alister questions relating to him or ask questions about me or something else. Not Allowed No reblogging threads that have nothing to do with you in the interaction.

NOT ALLOWED

No God Modding anon or not. God modding is when you control the actions of someone’s muse. I control my muse and you control yours. Small actions like kissing or your muses’s hand taking my muses hand or picking them up to take them somewhere is acceptable. If you are unsure, don’t be afraid to ask me for confirmation. No Hate/Harassment on this blog anon or not. I made this blog to have fun just like any other RPers who made their own blogs OC or fandom for the same thing. While you are free to message me about certain threads, please do not constantly nag me just because I haven’t replied in the last few days. Persistence will result in being unfollowed and then blocked. I have college and I also have my own personal life going on there. Not only that, the time I take to reply is due to me coming up with one to work for the thread without making it look stupid. So please be patient. I will not RP with minors under 18 in regards to smut. It is against the law for an adult like me to consent to RP smut with minors. I also want complete honesty with your age so that I know how old you are. Don’t try to lie to me about your age just so that you can have smut. I can and will find out. Lying about your age and going so far as to pester or threaten me will result in me unfollowing and blocking you. I really don’t want to get in trouble RPing smut with minors.

Following

✦Semi-selective ✦Will work with mutuals/non-mutuals ✦Multi-fandom ✦Multi-ship ✦Multi-verse ✦Open to Crossovers and OCs

Triggers

I don’t have any triggers, but I will tag my threads with the more known triggers as appropriate. If there is a particular trigger you want tagged, please let me know so that I can tag it. I tag them as trigger ///.

Interactions

Will RP with anyone if characters are able to interact especially if outside the Tales of Series fandom. If you want to RP with me, just drop on in. Anons are also welcome to do things like memes, M!As, etc. Tagging me in starters, going to my ask box, or sending in a meme I reblogged are one of the many ways you can interact with me! IMing me for plotting also works too. Don’t hesitate to talk with me if you have a plot idea. Most of my threads are written in paragraph form. You don’t have to match my writing, but I expect more than a few sentences. 1-3 sentences is not fine for actual threads. I don’t mind 1-3 sentence replies in dash commentaries or crack, but in threads I need more than that. Seeing 1-3 sentences as a reply makes it feel like I’m the only one moving the thread along. Repeats of that will result in the thread being dropped.

Shipping

This blog is multiship meaning that every single relationship Lloyd has is in its own universe. There is no cheating of relationships involved unless stated otherwise. I do enjoy love triangles such as polyamory and polygamy. While I do love shipping, I ship based on chemistry based on how well our muses interact with each other. If you feel that your muse might be able to get together with mine, IM me so that we can discuss it. I am very friendly and won’t bite. I encourage everyone to ask me anything whether it’s about my muse or a possible ship. The ships can be romantic, platonic, family, rival, hateship, etc. However, please don’t force ship.

Important

If you are interested with RPing with me, you are free to plot via ask box or IM/messaging. If you wish to drop a thread, don’t be afraid to let me know. If I have somehow forgotten something, you are free to kindly let me know since due to things I have to juggle around in my life, I tend to be forgetful. There’s also the chance that Tumblr did something for the thread to end up lost. Anons are free to ask anything about my muse in terms of relationship and other things.

Style & M!A [Magic Anons]

I use icons for interacting, but it’s not necessary on your end I am pretty open to any kind of M!As (Magic Anons) so long as it���s not completely ridiculous.

Themes

✦AUs [Alternate Universes] ✦Dark ✦NSFW [Violence, gore, blood, etc.] ✦SFW ✦Angst ✦Romantic ✦Humor ✦Crack ✦Crossover ✦Smut (RPer has to be 18+)

If you have reached the end of this page, thanks for reading my rules! I don’t send passwords or make you like a post. What’s important is having fun, so I hope that we can interact and more importantly have fun!

[rebelexiled-a]

Mobile Rules

These are the rules for Mobile Users (put under read more due to long post)

I will add or adjust the rules as I go since this is still a work in progress FICTION =/= REALITY MUN =/= MUSE I track the tag rebelexiled and @rebelexiled Alister is an alien (and not an animal). As such, he is able to interact in other worlds/universes as well as interacting with other characters including humans without having to make change for his character to fit in. This RP blog is also an Ask blog. Feel free to send me or Alister questions relating to him or ask questions about me or something else. Not Allowed No reblogging threads that have nothing to do with you in the interaction.

NOT ALLOWED

No God Modding anon or not. God modding is when you control the actions of someone’s muse. I control my muse and you control yours. Small actions like kissing or your muses’s hand taking my muses hand or picking them up to take them somewhere is acceptable. If you are unsure, don’t be afraid to ask me for confirmation. No Hate/Harassment on this blog anon or not. I made this blog to have fun just like any other RPers who made their own blogs OC or fandom for the same thing. While you are free to message me about certain threads, please do not constantly nag me just because I haven’t replied in the last few days. Persistence will result in being unfollowed and then blocked. I have college and I also have my own personal life going on there. Not only that, the time I take to reply is due to me coming up with one to work for the thread without making it look stupid. So please be patient. I will not RP with minors under 18 in regards to smut. It is against the law for an adult like me to consent to RP smut with minors. I also want complete honesty with your age so that I know how old you are. Don’t try to lie to me about your age just so that you can have smut. I can and will find out. Lying about your age and going so far as to pester or threaten me will result in me unfollowing and blocking you. I really don’t want to get in trouble RPing smut with minors.

Following

✦Semi-selective ✦Will work with mutuals/non-mutuals ✦Multi-fandom ✦Multi-ship ✦Multi-verse ✦Open to Crossovers and OCs

Triggers

I don’t have any triggers, but I will tag my threads with the more known triggers as appropriate. If there is a particular trigger you want tagged, please let me know so that I can tag it. I tag them as trigger ///.

Interactions

Will RP with anyone if characters are able to interact especially if outside Ratchet and Clank fandom. If you want to RP with me, just drop on in. Anons are also welcome to do things like memes, M!As, etc. Tagging me in starters, going to my ask box, or sending in a meme I reblogged are one of the many ways you can interact with me! IMing me for plotting also works too. Don’t hesitate to talk with me if you have a plot idea. Most of my threads are written in paragraph form. You don’t have to match my writing, but I expect more than a few sentences. 1-3 sentences is not fine for actual threads. I don’t mind 1-3 sentence replies in dash commentaries or crack, but in threads I need more than that. Seeing 1-3 sentences as a reply makes it feel like I’m the only one moving the thread along. Repeats of that will result in the thread being dropped.

Shipping

This blog is multiship meaning that every single relationship Alister has is in its own universe. There is no cheating of relationships involved unless stated otherwise. I do enjoy love triangles such as polyamory and polygamy. While I do love shipping, I ship based on chemistry based on how well our muses interact with each other. If you feel that your muse might be able to get together with mine, IM me so that we can discuss it. I am very friendly and won’t bite. I encourage everyone to ask me anything whether it’s about my muse or a possible ship. The ships can be romantic, platonic, family, rival, hateship, etc. However, please don’t force ship.

Important

If you are interested with RPing with me, you are free to plot via ask box or IM/messaging. If you wish to drop a thread, don’t be afraid to let me know. If I have somehow forgotten something, you are free to kindly let me know since due to things I have to juggle around in my life, I tend to be forgetful. There’s also the chance that Tumblr did something for the thread to end up lost. Anons are free to ask anything about my muse in terms of relationship and other things.

Style & M!A [Magic Anons]

I use icons for interacting, but it’s not necessary on your end I am pretty open to any kind of M!As (Magic Anons) so long as it’s not completely ridiculous.

Themes

✦AUs [Alternate Universes] ✦Dark ✦NSFW [Violence, gore, blood, etc.] ✦SFW ✦Angst ✦Romantic ✦Humor ✦Crack ✦Crossover ✦Smut (RPer has to be 18+)

If you have reached the end of this page, thanks for reading my rules! I don’t send passwords or make you like a post. What’s important is having fun, so I hope that we can interact and more importantly have fun!

[regaldisaster]

How dare you act so high and mighty above others, Anna? What right do you have to stand above other people? You disgust me.

Uhhhh ,what? LoL

What you are talking about bro? Is...Is this hate mail? Is this anon hate?If it is, wow, i never expected to come in such a well worded and dramatic form like this one! Thanks!

And look! I have this Xkit plug that transforms all the anons imgs into sastuki and

It looks like Sastuki is saying she is disgusted with me and, tbh? That’s the dream.

But ok, on a more serious note. Is this about the last post i did last night?That i sound upset that things livened up when i was going to sleep?

Did it sounded that i was entlited to be included in all and any dash related things that happened?

I didn’t meant to sound like that, i was just a tad sad that i had zero productivity and my dash was dead so, i didn’t had much to distract me and thus i went to sleep, but then i saw that the thing happened and...

In retrospect , it was not even that big of a thing. it was just heroic’s chyntia and tomestolded benny’s + some commentaries.

Like i was more ‘aww, this happened and now im going to sleep’ than ‘how dare them start this when im going to sleep?’ kind of upset you feel me?

Or theres another reason for it?You are more than welcome to come talk to me the ‘why’ you think i stand over others.

[thequeenrainacorn]

I just wanna say there was irony in scrolling through my dash and seeing your reblog complaining about the thinness of laptops and the next part being your reblog about the show with disabled children. I'm disabled and don't have the strength to pick up much. So im the one at the store looking for the lightest possible model that can still somewhat try to game. Not hate btw! Been meaning to reblog that post myself with commentary but instead it's in your ask box. Sorry

I know that you mean no hate but it isn't productive for you to send an anonymous ask to a small blog that mostly just reblogs things without comment. Also a light laptop may work for you but having simple easy to use manual ways to use functions on my computers is really easy for me. I have a couple psychiatric disabilities that make keeping track of adapters and external disc drives kind of a pain. I think that light laptops are nice but sometimes it's nice to have other options too and in the last 10 years a lot of useful stuff has been removed from most laptops on the market in favor of lightness. It's nearly impossible to find one with a built in cd disk anymore. Anyway my point is different needs require different options and not every post relates to everybody for a multitude of reasons. Much love

[edwinas]

Tag game

I was tagged by the wonderful @faeriexqueen!

Rules: Answer 30 questions and tag 20 people.

 Nicknames: I don’t have a nickname for friends but my family calls me by another name entirely. My brother has given me all kinds of nicknames whereas my parents mostly use terms of endearments!

Gender: Female.

Star Sign: Cancer.

Height: 1.67m.

Time: 18:08.

Birthday: Sometime this week!

Favorite Bands: EXO!

Favorite Solo Artist: Beyoncé and all the main vocalists of EXO, so DO, Baekhyun & Chen (he’s my favourite). 

Song that is stuck in your head: “Two worlds one family” from Tarzan.

Last Movie: Half of Brother Bear and Brother Bear 2.

Last TV Show: Brooklyn 99.

Do I Have Any Other Blogs: nope.

Why I Created This Blog: I’ve been on Tumblr a while and was inspired by incredible blogs dedicated to Disney poc, especially @tianasweets (hence the massive amount of reblogs from there). I wanted to create a platform focusing on characters of colour who are too often overlooked and Indian content, because I didn’t find many blogs by Indians for Indians!

What do you Post/ Reblog: Majoritarily Disney! I also try to consistently reblog some type of Indian content and sometimes social commentary. It really depends on my mood and what is happening/I’ve seen/ came across my dash.

Last Thing you Googled: “It’s dangerous outside the blankets”!

Why the URL?: I love Cogsworth from Beauty & the Beast and added “copper” as a synonym for my Browness (there’s a more complete explanation in my “About” page).

Follow: 113 blogs.

Followers: 17 people!

Lucky Number: 12.

Instruments: I used to sing Carnatic music.

Dream Job: this is so hard. Something creative? Something related to postcolonialism? Disney?

Last Book you Read: One on numbers and economics (forgot the title).

 Anyone who wants to do this can say they were tagged by me!

[ghostbird77]

I started watching Riverdale...

I’ve been seeing a lot of things on my dash about it, so I took a little peek on the tags for nostalgia’s sake.

I was not surprised, being a CW show and all, that I found a lot of talk about queer-baiting from the very first episode (what’s new?) with Betty and Veronica having some completely random kiss after moments of meeting each other but shutting down that possibility REAL quick cause we don’t want those lesbians thinking they have room in this show, too.

I read some stuff about Archie being “abused” by his cougar teacher, arc that lasted literally two episodes for some weird reason, just so the viewers could be introduced in an uttely unnecessary way to his love for music, because apparently we couldn’t have gathered that from his football-related arc but hey, we needed to see his abs so let’s make him develop this weird sexual relationship with his music teacher and then let’s get rid of her so a second later we can establish this biracial relationship and show the kids how cool we are. (I like them, so I’m afraid how that will turn out.)

I saw, as well, some commentary about Jughead’s canon asexuality being disregarded to give Betty a love interest, because apparently, solving a murder, saving here sister and unborn nephew/niece, potentially finding out her mother could be said murder and her father an accomplice, developing her future career in journalism, and being a general badass was not enough, she most definitely needs a love interest to make her character well-rounded and interesting.

Deep breath, that’s not what this post is about.

One thing I kind of did like, back in that first or second episode, was how they chose to make Josie and the Pussycats an all-black group who shut Archie down when he wanted to write songs for them for the sole reason that they write about their struggles as women and more specifically Black women, and since he was neither he did not have the perspective or the voice to speak on said issues. For a moment, I was like, damn CW, if you could hear your own characters speak sometimes, how different your programming would be. Honestly, I thought that was a very cool change from the original comics, given that historically, there was not only one single black character in the entire show but also they tried to make Valerie white, making it an all-white group for a hot minute, only to “turn her black again” for popularity reason. I honestly don’t know where to start commenting on that last line, so I’m going to continue to make the point I originally wanted to make and not get on another tangent.

So, I find myself watching the last episode, where Valerie momentarily quits the group and Josie is having a conversation with her mother who tells her that everyone except for her is replaceable, to just go find some other pretty face to take her place, just not anyone prettier or skinnier than her (WTF!?) aaand, WOC “don’t forget our brand”. Okay, this is the point where I literally needed to stop the episode and take a moment.

Now, I could be taking this wrong. But in that moment, I felt as if Josie’s mother suddenly morphed into the CW itself and spoke the truest words that had ever represented this fucking network.

Josie and the Pussycats suddenly were not an empowering all-black women music group singing with a clear and strong voice, it was a brand to be sold, something to target to a specific audience. It became a group that would let Veronica join just because she is not white.

“Don’t forget our brand” those words reverberated in my head and I saw all these shows we been talking about lately being crushed under them.

-All right, you can have your bisexual lead, and yeah, she can have her lesbian lover but just so we can assert her bisexuality, I think we can catch some viewer with this, but remember we need to kill her if it gets to be too much and let the lead end up with the guy, okay? Don’t forget our brand.

-What? A superhero show with a female lead who speaks of feminism, women empowerment, healthy and supportive female relationships and has a black crush!? Sure, buy the show, but we are going to make some changes, starting with that strong mentor and older voice of reason that just has way too many feminist lines. Let’s see, we’ll make our hero break up with the nice and supportive black dude, cut his screen time, push him a bit towards the back, yeah. Now, bring a new guy, some white dude. I don’t care nobody likes him, that he is a douche who disrespects her and ignores her entirely, his ego is way too important and I want him in every episode. Also, the lesbian storyline worked on that other show; let’s give it a try again, but on a leash. DO NOT FORGET OUR BRAND.

- Oh, don’t worry about that other show, half the dialogue is in Spanish so I bet half of their empowering agenda gets lost in translation anyway. Besides, everyone is heterosexual in that show so they are doing just fine. We did not forget our brand.

Bought the product? Cool, our brand is still strong.

[halfblood-fiend]

My First Words- The Cringe Poetry Era

Because of thesecondsealwrite’s amazing posts about her past writing, and her second Tumblr anniversary celebration, I decided to join in on the fun. I will impart on you some of my first words over the course of these 10 days and you can see the completely awful and totally terrible journey to becoming the writer I am today.

Now, I am notorious for keeping everything ever and that is doubly so for my stories. The problem, though? This time last year my family was supposed to have moved and apparently I was the only one who got the memo. So all my stuff is packed away and locked in storage. So I’m pretty sure that’s where all the old stuff is, I’m talkin’ the shameless self-inserts, the copious Mary-Sues, the cringiest of cringe poetry, the erotic to a 13-year-old Halo/Eragon/Chronicles of Riddick/Harry Potter crossovers, and the literal mountains of fanfiction about Snape, sometimes with students (yes...I am very guilty of that, hang me please).

However, I did manage to scrounge up some stuff from a journal that didn’t get packed because it’s still a quarter blank and, for some reason, I seem to always intend to keep diaries the way I used to back in my middle school/early high school days.

I deliberated for a while about how to post them. I wondered if I should post scans or if I should write my own modern commentary all over said scans but I settled for simply typing them exactly as they are, sloppy grammar and shitty spelling intact. If anyone wants to see the scans, I will post them because you really miss out on a whole hot mess of awful doodles and chicken scratches as well as the worst formatting bs you’ve ever seen (probably).

So, I placed it under a read more because I don’t think anyone wants a whiny 12-year-old on their dash, but the following is me, and my very 12-year-old problems, totally unedited.

Bullshit

Why should I care? Give me a reason and I might stay. Stay friends? Ha! Don't you remember? It was you who dumpped me. So why are you asking my forgivnes? It should be me, shouldn't it? But stop, listen. Do you hear me begging? No. Because I'm fed up. Tired of the bullshit. Sick of the same Goddamned scene. Aquatences, pehaps. But never again friends.

You’re smoking something if you thought I wasn’t gonna have commentary on this shit...

Okay so, god awful spelling, worse content. Yet SOMEHOW I remember that nearly every single poem I wrote around this time period was about/related to/because of boys. Gotta love those middle school hormones. I really don’t know whether to laugh or cry but, it get’s better...

Lonley Valentine

Another Valentine's day Come and gone. Yet another hopeless year. I've never had a Valentine. Never in my life. Unless you count my parents; this thought gives me much strife. I've only five boyfriends And they never last too long. Theres always someone else they like more because apparenly I'm wrong. Most people would label me a loner. to whitch I'm pretty sure they're right. 'Cause I've never had a Valentine and I suck it up with all my might I hear that people say that to love another one must first love themelves. This is what I say to them, "Shut up you mother fucker!"

"Shut up you mother fucker!” Aaaaaand she sticks the landing!

Look my least favorite part about this trainwreck is the very forced lines and hence rhyming? Other than that, I hate all of it. I also just LOVE how 12-year-old Madison thought life revolved around Valentine’s Day and like...having somebody. I guess that even modern Madison feels that way since most of my content is thinly veiled romance. I guess some things never change.

I’d also like to adress that “only five boyfriends” part because it sticks out in my mind... I’m pretty sure that at this middle school age, I’m even counting those “relationships” that were like, “Joey held my hand one time at recess” or something because I can tell you right now FIVE is...not true? Not even remotely accurate? I also love the “ONLY five boyfriends” part as if it was some kind of competition and even with five I was losing... badly, as my beautiful poem illustrates.

Untitled

Help me out. Out of my never ending pit. Help me someone. I'm falling to abiss; please someone.   What does it matter? Like the useless raindrops that patter I'm no longer there. No longer where?   People ignore me falling to black. Help me please Throw me a rope, lend me a hand   I realize theres no turning back, Nothing but black. I'm falling to oblivion, no longer real I wish I was as invisible as you make me feel   Falling faster. No way back, only down. No one to pull me up Just falling; just nothingness.   When I snag on a branch, it breaks Then falling again faster, faster.   Lonesome death only. Nobody. No turning back. Just fading to black.

Now, I did NOT read the journal entry that “went” with this poem because my brain literally could not handle it, so I don’t know what context all this blackness is in. Pretty sure it’s just a metaphor for my life, or, judging by previous content, I had a crush on some dude that looked at me for a whole five seconds one time in science class and then it turned out that he didn’t like like me.

ALSO! WARNING! Past Madison did this awful thing where she liked to incorporate her favorite lyrics into her own poetry and give no credit whatsoever. In fact, sometimes she even claimed they were hers. She just...took em. I honestly couldn’t tell you why. I die a little every time I see that shit. So, if you didn’t catch it, the line “I wish I was as invisible as you make me feel” belongs to Fall Out Boy and their song The Pros and Cons of Breathing. Thanks guys, tell your writers they did well capturing the spirit middle school angst.

You know...in that packed box of papers there is an entire typed, printed, and bound copy of every poem I ever wrote in middle school. I titled it “Emo Chronicles” and actually turned that shit in for a school project and got compliments AND a grade for it (Yikes!!). And I’m sorta glad that all I could find were these three poems for two reasons A) I don’t think I could have handled reading an entire volume of this type of thing and B) I would have probably picked out the ones I was still sorta proud of, so here you go. There is no bias here, whatsoever.

I just wish I could go back in time and give this poor confused girl a cookie and a hug. Maybe not the cookie, actually, because this sad girl was constantly destroyed by her mother over her weight with merciless precision. Still, she could use a hug and I would tell her, “Boys are stupid and are a huge waste of time, bro.” Then I’d walk into the sunset. And then this girl would go home and write some poetry about it. She’d probably think it was very deep and existential.

I actually continued to write poetry well into high school but it petered off around my Junior year and I haven’t touched it since. Honestly, because of all this mess, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I know that all this crap is a literal skeleton in my closet and I almost feel like I never want to open that door ever again.

So if you read this far, THANK YOU for not unfollowing and blocking me instantly! Lmao. Yeah, it’s bad, but the only way to get good is to slog through some utter shit and I really think that this era of my writing career is my utter shit (yes, I even believe that insane crossover is better than this).

[violetsystems]

#personal

I’m hanging out with my mom again tomorrow around the corner at a restaurant she likes for her birthday.  I made a Thor shirt for her at her request which is a fun thing to make either way.  Especially with the way things are lately I’ve felt more sane hanging out with my mom than dealing with too much outside of work, footwork and cards down the street.  I sent a package out to Hollywood this week.  It’s kind of a crazy story then again nothing is all that crazy to me these days.  This person is a stylist out there and in an acid house project with the brother of a member of the band Ride.  I ripped off the cover of Nowhere and made a bag out of it.  This guy was the person who spotted it who I later found out knows everybody I know in Teklife and grew up in Japan.  He sent me a package of Ride tour stuff and some patches.  I sent him back some shirts.  I like those kinds of connections.  He asked for some help with some contacts back in Japan for clubs.  I know a lot of people in Japan.  I never thought I’d get along there the way I do.  People out there take me around to fish markets and to play street fighter in local arcades.  I think hero worship and fame are pretty much bullshit especially in America.  It’s not very honest here these days.  People pay attention to illusionary success too often.  Celebrity really is a group hallucination.  Sometimes that’s built on solid footing but mostly as we’ve seen lately it was built on predatory behavior.  People back home here have always given me attitude.  I think lately being a little more openly social has helped.  It still freaks me out when I see somebody chugging a bottle of whiskey.  I can’t relate to that anymore.  I went to the doctor this week for an annual and told him I had quit drinking.  At first he was like super excited then started to lecture me about cancer and what not I think in hopes to scare me not to drink.  I look back at my life and how half assed and out of focus it has been and that scares me enough.  It’s a different feeling that I’ve had lately.  Someone occupies my mind a lot lately and it’s a nice feeling.  Before anybody gets jealous it’s not my mom.

I have hung out with a lot of people here at the apartment.  It’s nice that people feel comfortable stopping by.  At work the faculty member who teaches Chinese told me I was always so quick to respond and a very hard worker.  That kind of thing means a lot to me.  And historically I think people can at least recognize that my job has always been an anchor and an influence.  It’s just that recently in the last ten months as I got my shit together I was able to apply myself more to it.  I’ve had the same job forever and people on here know it.  It’s not some secret.  It is a kind of stability I think nobody quite understands.  I’ve never been one to risk it just like the intimate parts of my life nobody needs to know.  The parts of my life that are secret are that way for a reason.  Mostly because they are special to me and space leaves a lot of room to grow.  I still think my job is the best way for me to spend my time here.  I posted a photo from the Fashion department from the Gareth Pugh collection and some friends in Shanghai liked it.  I see things like that every day and I’m inspired to see more.  There are social situations that can make me feel awkward.  I don’t really have the time or energy to apply myself to them much anymore.  I still hang out every week down the street regardless of the commentary.  You have to announce the text on the card every turn so I focus on that.  In some strange way it helps with public speaking maybe.  I’m not really shy in public but I’m also not very intense.  I try to channel that when I read out loud and mostly always lose.  They replaced both the stove and the roof of my apartment.  The roof happened on the day I stayed home sick.  So I had to listen to hammering from seven on until maybe five pm.  I walked out and it was like a pile of debris on my porch.  I’m glad I made the decision to take all the plants indoors early.  They live in the kitchen now overlooking the family of three feral cats in my neighbor’s yard.  I’ve been hanging out in my kitchen more working on stuff.  Sometimes people come over here and play cards here on the weekends.  It’s very low intensity.  I haven’t really run all that much this week because of the flu and the snow.  I have an Elliptical in my living room from a failed relationship.  I’m glad that relationship failed.  Now that I have a watch my life my Elliptical has new meaning to me.

Traxman is back in New York tonight.  I was hanging with a few people in my kitchen who I might tour with out there come spring.  I have a bunch of vacation from work which is another reason I’ve been so grateful for it.  I would spend three weeks at a time paid just wandering around Seoul and Tokyo.  I never really partied out there.  I don’t really party.  I’m pretty social.  Corky called me up this week before work to talk about music and plans for what we are going to do.  He’s my friend in a lot more ways than just music.  We were in Tokyo once at a show he was playing at upstairs watching a punk disco band.  A mosh pit opened up and Corky was like “I have to do this” and jumped into the crowd.  It was the weirdest but most honest Chicago moment I’ve had miles away from home.  That’s kind of what I’ve been trying to explain about distance to people that hasn’t been clear until recently.  I’ve been all over the world.  I don’t even brag about it.  I’m almost apologetic about it sometimes.  For a really long time I took these criticisms to heart and I still do.  It really does depress me there’s all these people who have been hurt by powerful people.  All I can do is stay educated and be vocal.  I can also continue to live by example.  And so should everyone really.  I can’t think of a more horrible feeling to be laying next to someone and feeling that distance let alone taking advantage of it.  I’ve been watching Breaking Bad again on my exercise routine and the marriage in that show is super stressful.  I can’t lie.  I can’t live my life hiding my thoughts and feelings from someone I love.  I also can’t hurt someone like that either.  It’s not very hard to explain.  So I don’t really say much about it other than through my actions.  I make a lot of things in my apartment.  I stay home a lot too.  It’s only been a year really since I started print making and screen printing.  I applied myself.  I never really did it to be cool.  I just wanted to be part of the conversation.  Because no one talks to anyone here that deeply.  Sometimes they do.  Nobody talks as deeply as my dash though.  And for that I’m thankful every day more and more.  For now I’m going to talk deeply to my pillow and sleep horribly for the evening.  Sleep well when you do.  <3 Tim