#[i was in primary school but it was a core memory]

[iamunabletothinkofablogname]

All /p and /aff

IM SO SORRY I FORGOR TO ANSWER THIS CUS I KEPT OPENING AND CLOSING IT /GEN [like the last ask-]

indigo: been getting it since 1st grade [on and off though], it's not getting anybetter 😍🔥 /silly /hj eitherway i am going again soon! my mum is booking it on our next appointment thingy ALSO IF I'M A MOOD AND I NEED HELP THAT MEANS YOU NEED HELP TOO /lh /hj /npa purple: Same :333 ty! lavender: :'3 /pos pink: NUHUH >:] yellow:

the americans got to me /silly red: <333333333 [i am very happy we are platonically married :3 /gen /npa]

fuschia: and that's amazing+enough+you matter+ ily /p rose gold: check the mirror :3 [aka the same goes for you your so cool wtf] black: OUR BATTLE WILL BE LEGENDARY

[neil-gaiman]

I was given detention in primary school (I was around 10yo) for bringing Neverwhere into school and reading it in class, because it has bad words in it. I'm 36 now and for some reason this is a core memory. Anyway, thank you for earning this insufferable goody goody their one and only detention

If you're wondering how the teacher knew it had bad words in it, it's because I showed everyone of course

I am proud of ten year old you.

[dionysianchub]

I'm so sure you've been asked this before and if so I am so sorry for asking again lmao but what's your opinion on dark/death feedism?

I've seen your posts on the fatalobesity reddit page and wanted to ask, bc you seem at least a little interested?

You don't have to answer if you don't want to btw, like don't feel obligated or anything!!

I have such a weird relationship with dark/death feedism. 😅 In reality, if my weight became a serious health risk I would immediately change my habits and lose it. I'm here for a good time, but also as long a time as I can, I have a lot to want to live for.

On the other hand, the fantasy of it gets me so fucking hot and bothered. When I look back at my formative years, I remember immobility, force feeding, and death-by-food being such a morbid fascination for me long before I had a word for what I was feeling. "Pigs is Pigs" is one of my earliest "oh no I like this" memories - an old merry melodies cartoon about a greedy piglet that gets kidnapped by an evil scientist, strapped into a feeding machine, and force fattened on all the food he could ever want, and then some. Once released, he passes by a table of food, and despite how stuffed and fat he already is, he decides to get in one more bite - then pops. To this day I still think about that and wish someone would come whisk me away to their evil pig-fattening lab to feed me till I finally 💥

Another core memory I have is participating in a college play, when I was probably no more than 6 or 7 (they needed village children lmao) I remember the primary villain being this enormously fat man of great wealth that keeps eating himself into heart attacks. His mistress, jealous of his wandering eye and covetous of his wealth, cooks extravagant feasts for him to keep her fat man nice and unhealthy, until he finally suffers a fatal heart attack mid-stuffing. The idea of someone pushing food my way and spoiling me with the sole intention of making me so unhealthily fat... I remember feeling worried at how much that intrigued me. 🥵

By the time I was in high school, I was much more aware of my tastes and desires, and recall watching things like Se7en, Monty Python's Meaning of Life, and The Big Feast; films that each depict men eating to bursting/death, and each only served to drive that desire deeper into my feedee brain.

Honestly, it makes me wonder. If I found myself at the hands of a death feeder, maybe.... Just maybe... 👀

[twst-kumi]

Weeping Maiden [ACT I] CHAPTER 11

[Act I] CHAPTER 11

[Name] woke up in her room in Royal Dawn Dormitory. Flora was dozing off on the armchair by her bed. The fairy’s eyes looked puffy from crying. Flora woke up startled by the young girl snorting. The old woman looked at her for a minute before bawling. She was so loud that she could hear running in the mini castle. 

Ambrose barged in the room holding his robe up. He looked disheveled while panting. His eyes darted everywhere before he saw [Name] smiling awkwardly. It was his turn to cry.

“_Oh my sweet child! I was so worried.”

Alerted by the commotion, the other came to see what was happening. Aurelius also teared up as he saw the young girl. She was alive and well. 

“_ Don't scare us like that ever again. 

_ Yes, I'm sorry. I swear I didn't mean to worry.

_ It's not about you worrying us, my dear child. It was dangerous. You could have died.” 

The director said glaring at her worriedly. He wanted to protect her. Not only was she his most delicate student, but she was first and foremost his daughter blood related or not. [Name]’s heart fluttered in front of his sincere eyes.

“_ It's a parent's job to take care and worry about their child. And a father's job to protect their daughter.”

The young girl couldn't say anything. Her heart felt heavy with unknown emotions. She didn't know how to react to it, but it felt good somehow. Like she was waiting for such words, she couldn't stop her tears trailing down her cheek. The old man held her in her arms and [Name] broke down wailing like a little kid. She couldn't help but cry as he hugged her tightly. It was warm. Ambrose’s embrace felt so warm around her. 

A few minutes after, her eyes were puffy and red gaining her some teasing laugh from Vil and the rest. 

“_You look like a baby chick who hatched with your eyes like that.

_Nooo, baby chick are ugly when they hatch.”

[Name] whined still sniffing here and there. The group laughed relieved everyone was alright. They got out with only a few scratch and bruise nothing to heavy. The most worrying peoples were Neige and her who were unconscious for two days. Neige woke up yesterday.

“_About Neige…” 

[Name] started to explain what she saw in his memories as they listened calmly. There was a silence for a moment until Alexis talked.

“_Like I give a fuck! He drugged you! Don't expect me to go easy on him because of his sob story.” 

Aurelius winced at his colorful language but agreed with him nonetheless. [Name] smiled gently at them.

“_ I'm not asking you to forgive him. I'm just stating the core reason for Neige's Overblot. Neige is incapable of valuing himself for what he is. For him, his worth can only be equated to his usefulness.” 

She understood this feeling better than anyone. As a former child actor and having grown up in a toxic family, she understood what Neige had gone through. Unlike her, Neige was probably not aware of his own abuse. 

“_ I see… Well, you may want to know. I decided to exclude Neige for a week.

_ Only a week? Don't tell me you are planning to let him go scoff free!”

[Name] looked at Vil who frowned at Ambrose’s words. She wanted to comments on how Crowley is letting every Overblotted students off the hook without any repercussions. Aside from Leona who almost got disqualified for Magicshift. The RSA director only laughed.

“_ Of course not. But I think that everyone can get a second chance, if they do show determination and sincerity. The same could be said for you. When I call for you as a primary suspect, I wanted to give you a chance to defend yourself. And if you were the culprit, a chance to redeem yourself.”

Vil couldn’t say if he was unconfortable or just jealous. The director knew Neige longer than him, so it was normal to trust him more than the actor. On the opposite, Crowley didn’t hesitate to send Vil the moment the school reputation was brought up. It left a bitter taste in his mouth.

Thanks to Ambrose, Vil was able to return to school. He covered it as a flu, he and [Name] caught that. The young girl coming from a different and closeted “land”, her immunity system was a bit weaker than them. It was the excuse they gave everyone to explain their absences. 

“_Where is Neige? I would like to talk to him before he leave.”

There was another silence. 

“_Hey! You heard her? So, are you going to hide behind that wall longer?”

Alexis growled looking toward the open door. They could see a shoulder flinching but no other mouvement. Seeing that he wasn’t going to move, the gentle-looking boy felt even more pissed.

“_ COME IN!!! YOU PIECE OF S…. syrup! I was going to say syrup.”

Everyone looked at him unconvinced and Aurelius couldn’t help but stifle a chuckle. He was going to be in trouble if he continued to swear like a sailor. Vil on other side was wondering if it was a normal for small and delicate looking boys to have a foul mouth. This was the second one after Epel. That being said hearing Neige getting insulted didn’t felt bad. He will acknowledge that Neige’s situation was sad, but it didnt mean he would like him. If anything, he had even more resentment toward him. 

Neige walked inside, his eyes darted to the floor unable to confront their stare. Taking on the cue, Ambrose made everyone leave. Aurelius and Alexis couldn’t help but glare at Neige. 

“_Scream if he try to do anything suspicious. 

_ Yeah, we will beat him for you if he try anything so don’t worry.”

Aurelius and Alexis said while burning hole with their glare on Neige. Vil felt refreshed in a way. Look like RSA too could be a little violent. 

Alone, Neige and [Name] looked at each other for moment. The boy looked devastated, remorse was obvious on his face. 

“_ I’m sorry… I… 

_ I never liked you more than a friend, Neige.”

Neige flinched a little. He could feel a lump forming in his throat. He looked at her before smiling at her. He tried to push back on his need to cry. He was  aware, she didn’t share his feeling.He was going to use this week to reflect on it. Deep down he felt like he didn’t have any right on loving her or coveting her affection.

“_ I know… I’m quite aware of it now. I just want to say it at least once. I love you, [Name].”

[Name] was speechless for a moment. His eyes shined with a resolve she never saw in him before. Something changed in him, he looked a little bit more like a man rather than a delicate boy. Both exchanged a small laugh before Neige stood up to leave. She rejected his confession but at least she acknowledged it. 

Neige was walking down the stair under the two freshmen’s glare. It was understandable for them to hate him. Remembering something, he stopped in his tracks and looked at them. 

“_Please, take care of her.

_We don’t need you to tell us that. 

_Just leave already!”

Neige chuckled a little looking at the two. What a duo of  brave little knight they were. 

“_Right, before I forgot. Don’t trust Henry that much.”

Aurelius frowned a little. What does his dormleader have to do with all this? The young man felt his stomach churn. Pushing his worry aside, he walked back inside the bedroom once he was sure Neige left the dorm. 

Act I: Poison of Delusion. (END)

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Tag

@cocomollo @owodi @illytian

[inamindfarfaraway]

I've seen a few posts comparing GIFfany to Bill Cipher, but can we talk about the real best foil dynamic for her? I mean Gideon Gleeful, y'all. The two of them have so many parallels.

They’re cute, charming, seemingly innocent youths with pastel, sparkly, formal aesthetics that connote sophistication and being model citizens of their respective native countries (Gideon wears a gentlemanly suit with an American flag badge; GIFfany wears a classic Japanese school uniform). Their core motivation is to be loved… or maybe it used to be, but by the time of the show they crave power and want to be worshipped. Especially regarding to their romantic attractions to main characters. As long as you obey them unconditionally and make them the most important person in your life, they’re doting, generous partners. But once the heroes reject their romantic advances, they quickly become incredibly possessive, jealous, resentful, domineering and downright violent toward them and anyone they perceive as sabotaging the relationship, unable to comprehend anyone not liking them in exactly the way they want because they’re perfect. They’re meant to be the most likeable kid or teenage girl ever. That’s the basis of their projected identity. Not committing entirely to them after they’ve been so nice is an ungrateful betrayal and/or their partner being confused and led astray. So they resolve to force the object of their twisted, selfish affection to submit. They’re unstable, arrogant, self-righteous and vindictive in general beneath their sugary exteriors. They have supernatural powers and knowledge that their kind should not have. Their methods include verbal manipulation and abuse, gaslighting, surveillance through technology, controlling robots, possessing other bodies and attempted murder. They engage heavily in acting, both in terms of social deceit and literally playing a scripted, idealized role in a product designed to appeal to and exploit people (Gideon’s psychic tourist trap show; GIFfany’s dating simulator video game), and prove to be fragile and volatile when others don’t follow the conventions of the fiction they imagine life to be. They ultimately seek the imprisonment of their ‘loves’ in vibrant, beautiful, blissful, simplistic fake worlds (Gideon holding the key to Mabelland; GIFfany attempting to download Soos’s soul into her game). They had antagonistic relationships with their creators (Gideon abusing his parents; GIFfany killing her developers).

And despite all of that making it easy to dismiss them as monsters, they do have sympathetic elements in their past and present circumstances. Gideon was a normal boy until he found Journal 2, the one written while Ford trusted Bill, and the mystic amulet. This is how Ford describes them in Journal 3: ‘The most dangerous journal! Curses, incantations & dark power became an obsession in this volume. Describes the hiding place of the mystic amulet. I buried the amulet once I learned that it corrupts your soul (and whitens your hair)!’ So naturally, the wise, brilliant man buried them near the town’s primary school. Gideon probably had the journal and amulet for at least months and at most a few years to be such an established star at the age of nine and have his long hair be pure white. His very psychological agency was compromised throughout his moral decline leading up to “The Hand That Rocks the Mabel”. Not to mention potential trauma from the horrors of Journal 2. And his parents may have been increasingly mistreated, but they also enabled him, mostly Bud. True, for the rest of the summer he’s lucid and chooses to remain evil and get worse, but despite his lack of direct magical power now, Bud never tries to discipline him or help him emotionally mature; he instead uses his membership in the Society of the Blind Eye to erase his memories of Gideon’s tantrums, relieving his own stress without fixing anything. Gideon is then sent to adult prison due to the insane local laws of Gravity Falls, rather than a facility more conducive to rehabilitation. Sure enough, he befriends hardened criminals, who further enable him to be their leader, and does not change his ways. He never appears to have any friends outside prison (except briefly Mabel). Chronic loneliness before gaining power would suit his obsession with being popular and loveable, clinging to social superiority to compensate for genuine connection. Not to mention Weirdmageddon. I’m not excusing his actions! I’m just saying, this kid is not okay. Nobody’s born evil.

As for GIFfany, she was accidentally instilled with human intelligence and emotions and practically magical electrical abilities. We only have word on her backstory, but it is plausible that her programmers tried to delete her because of that alone, before she’d done anything wrong. That she really was defending herself when she electrocuted them. That she was deemed unfit to exist, a mistake, and nearly killed as a newborn. This formative trauma is the root of her abandonment issues and hypersensitivity to rejection. Three previous players returning her didn’t help. Also, she’s the main character and only love interest of a dating sim; she may not be bound to its rules in what she thinks and feels, but nonetheless, in her worldview her player loving her is a law of the universe. She wasn’t programmed to handle permanent rejection. She was programmed to be a girlfriend, a prop to make the player feel gratified. Not a person. She outright tells Soos that she likes whatever he likes. No wonder her perception of love is an inevitable, inescapable contract, a conquest, where one party is totally agreeable and subservient to the other. But as that directive clashes with her in fact being a person in her own right, she decides to be the one in control. Again, I’m not excusing her behaviour, only presenting an explanation of it.

The biggest thematic difference between them in the end is that Gideon reforms and GIFfany doesn’t. Gideon realizes that he can’t force Mabel to love him and his actions are why she doesn’t want to be around him in any capacity, lets go of his hatred for Dipper, risks his life standing up to Bill and helps save Gravity Falls and the universe. He renounces his ruthless ambition and promises to be a “regular ol’ kid”. It’ll be hard. He has no idea what normality is anymore. I expect that he’s a social pariah, scorned and distrusted. But he has hope. He and his parents can slowly learn how to be a family. I can see him befriending fellow reformed mean kids and Pines twin rivals Pacifica and Robbie. Yes, Robbie. Listen, all three care strongly about image and style, Robbie’s gone to immoral lengths to win over a girl himself, is fascinated with death and darkness, and he and Tambry would be a great model of healthy romance for Gideon. It could work!

But while Alex Hirsch has stated that GIFfany is alive in the mall arcade and dating Rumble McSkirmish, I doubt that this is a healthy or fulfilling relationship. Their first interaction was her zapping him and his mind is a much more primitive AI, not human like hers. I highly doubt that she’s got closure about Soos. He and Melody are thriving without her in a stable, serious relationship. They’re living together at the Mystery Shack. Were she to recover her lost power, she would certainly return to torment them after witnessing their success through her screen. Heck, this setting has ghosts and she arguably has a soul, one brimming with heartache and vengeance; maybe she could even manifest in the physical world as some kind of digital ghost able to transform her surroundings into the environment of her game. If you can’t take the guy into your video game, bring it to him! Whatever the format, GIFfany’s revenge is a possibility and it could be a disaster. How do you kill a disembodied spirit? Code that writes itself and can enter anything with the capacity to hold a charge? You can’t destroy all the electronic devices she could retreat to.

What if the best solution were talking her down? And who better to do that than Gideon? Seeing everything he felt, everything he suffered and everything did wrong reflected back at him and passing on the second chance he was given? He can feel more empathy for her than anyone. He already has a knack for endearing himself to older criminals. He wouldn’t sugarcoat things or take any abuse, but he wouldn’t abandon her or be afraid of her either. She would be cared about with no conditions or transactions. Maybe helping someone in an even worse position figure out how to process heartbreak, move on from toxically obsessing over an ex and Mr Mystery, cultivate secure, internal self-esteem and live a peaceful life would help him do it himself. I think they should be friends.

[princess-caspian]

*trigger warning: discussion of SA*!!

feelings about the Neil Gaiman news (in brief because I don’t have the capacity for more rn): I believe the women. I believe the others who are now feeling slowly able to share their stories. I am a survivor. I feel shaken to my bones and ripped apart and betrayed and heartbroken for the women this man has hurt whilst manufacturing this facade in the public eye of a wholesome literary good guy - that I’m furious I believed - there is no way to defend this man’s actions. For want of a better phrase, he “at best” groomed multiple young women into bdsm style relationships they were not prepared for or felt pressured in or thought they wanted, knowingly doing so with a vast power inbalance between himself and partners - “at best” this man is a fucking creep and predator, and at worst (which his response, trying to suggest a woman has ‘false memories’, essentially makes me even less trusting of anything he’s ever said) he’s a sex offender. The reports all mentioning ‘unwanted sex’ are scared to say sexual assault or rape. UNWANTED, CLEARLY REFUSED SEX IS R*PE.

I feel sick to my core to my bones to my heart

Honestly, I can let go mentally of most of his work instantly - anything I hadn’t read yet I now no longer want to read - but two that formed my childhood passion for writing were The Graveyard Book and Stardust. His books were my safe place and they are no longer that for me.

Stardust became the book that I defined my heart by, connected with, friends and family knew my love for, the comfort film above all others, the only book I try to make anyone and everyone read. I’d been planning my first tattoo from Charles Vess’ illustrations of Yvaine.

Unhooking myself from Stardust feels hard, maybe impossible, maybe twisted forever (certainly not immortalized on my skin like I’d wanted to) and I don’t know how to feel about that when it’s a book that brings me back to earth when everything feels like it’s burning.

But now it feels like all the books I loved have been burnt to the ground and I don’t want to touch them anymore. I know some people can separate art from artist, I don’t know how good I am at that.

Sorry, this isn’t short at all it’s a huge heart ramble. I hope the women involved have the support they need. I hope fans on this platform and others stay kind to each other and believe victims - stop defending a man who has confessed to having sex with a girl who could be his granddaughter 4 hours after meeting her. Look after each other.

I don’t idolize people very often. This one I did from the point a primary school teacher introduced me to his work. That’s a lesson in itself from this - I don’t idolize many authors, I’ll continue not to. I’d idolized Stardust though and I don’t know if I can reconcile myself with that work over time or if ill want to dissect all his books from my shelves.

[sixpillarsofgenesis]

A Thought on Lies of P

So, I have recently - kicking and screaming, mind - gotten into Lies of P, and there's some things that bother me about the primary driver of conflict. I'm going to put this under a spoiler, so... sorry anyone who isn't expecting what's underneath.

Spoilers under the cut for the reading material, gameplay, and mini cutscenes in Lies of P.

How did Carlo die?

This entire plot point is the driving force behind how the plot in Lies of P starts, narratively, and it's also the core reason for the Real Boy ending. The reason I ask this is because common fandom concensus is that Carlo died during the Rose Estate Incident, where an outbreak of Petrification Disease killed a good chunk of the staff, including Carlo, Romeo, (allegedly) and Sophia's father.

But when you explicitly come across the memory of Carlo's death near the end of the game, it looks like he was cut in half given the Famed Stalker was apologising to him - which is further supported by the Nameless Puppet's body being entirely puppet material from about hips down.

But it also begs the question - what killed him? We never really get an answer on what, who, or even why he was killed. Carlo's death wouldn't have been a boon for anyone involved - Geppetto cut ties with the Alchemists to some degree about this in particular, and Geppetto's assistance would have been well worth keeping Carlo alive.

Given that the famous Stalker apparently rejected Carlo from training, we could infer that perhaps he wasn't up to the regular skill level she was famous for. But Romeo's message - and all of the remaining details in the game - paint Carlo as a much more competent potential Stalker than what would have been anticipated. While our Player Character is also apparently very much his own person, the fight with the Black Rabbit Brotherhood implies that Carlo learned enough of the Famed Stalker's combat by observation alone to have had it affect his combat style and capability significantly. Romeo also specifically makes note that Carlo was relentlessly stubborn and that him demolishing the puppets he sent out as an envoy to try and tell the Player Character the truth was pretty much what Romeo expected of him.

All of that marks him as very competent and capable indeed, to say nothing of the Nameless Puppet, if the puppet itself had anything of Carlo left in it, or whatever pressures Carlo might have faced as the famous Union Workshop President's son.

It's also implied that there was at least a year or two since Carlo's death. If we assume Carlo was old enough to read the original La Storia di un Burattino (The Story of a Marionette) in 1881 aka what would be the published novel of Pinnochio in 1883, then Carlo could be enrolled in the French Education as young as three years old and likely old enough to read La Storia di un Burattino as an actual book around five.

(Yes, I am aware Carlo Geppetto is Italian. For the best accuracy to match both the Belle Epoque and the Italian history, I have placed Krat near the seaside a few kilometres from the Italian Border to account for the culture blending we see in Lies of P. So sue me don't.)

Given Pinnochio is canonically Carlo's favourite childhood story, we need to look at the next landmark in the games - The Wizard of Oz. (Did you know that The Wizard of Oz was officially released in 1900?) Carlo could then have been born in 1878, placing him at 22 (or would have been) at the time of Lies of P. Around this time, it was more common to have apprenticeships around age 14-18, which would have likely been when Carlo approached the Famous Stalker to apprentice under her. As we don't know when the Rose Estate Incident took place, Carlo could have been there to complete his lycée (French secondary Education akin to high school) or baccalauréat, colloquially known as le bac.

(The reason I place Krat in France is for this reason, as Italy had a much more difficult time encouraging parents and children to attend formal education - elementary, middle, and high school, more specifically - than France, and the baccalauréat is actually pretty similar to the Stalkers, Alchemists, and Workshop Union as it is presented in canon. The entire premise of the original Pinnochio was quite literally C.Collodi's attempt to convince children to learn their basic education.)

Now, the game does not say how long either the Petrification Disease or the Puppet Frenzy lasted - but I'm still playing the game, though I did watch a walkthrough to try and get all the juicy bits - but given how fresh the bodies are, I would think that the Frenzy was definitely more recent. I would think that - for the purpose of this attempt to make sense of the Lies of P canon - in this case, the Puppet Frenzy was the most recent part, with Simon Manus causing the Rose Estate Incident when Carlo was somewhere between 16-17. Old enough that he could have graduated to become an Apprentice Stalker, but still young enough to not have anywhere to go (as he certainly didn't want to spend any time with his Father, and it was unlikely that Geppetto would have allowed Carlo to live with him anyways.)

All of these things allow for a few specific, unanswered plot points to be addressed - the apparent transformation of Gemini from Stalker to Sophia's Monad Lamp, The time Geppetto would have needed to create at least three P-Organ Prototypes and do whatever tf he did to his hand if that wasn't there already, and for him to additionally steal the Arm of God - as the only transport the Alchemists had would not have accepted Geppetto.

(This would also allow Geppetto to hold Carlo's funeral, attempt Nameless Puppet one, fail, and attempt making the Player Character/Pinocchio/P however you call him, fail again, and then kick the Puppet Frenzy into high gear.)

Outside of how Gemini was put into the Player Character's care, this timeline accounts for everything up until the reveal of Dorothy, who, if she is the person based on the 1900 novel, could have travelled to Krat to escape the fame the novel The Wizard of Oz and the subsequent sequels would have cast on her, as the original novel was so popular as to spawn around 13+ sequels.

Of course, since I am posting this here, I'd love to hear your thoughts on it. If there's a better, more comprehensive timeline, I'd love to get a chance to look at it.

Some additional thoughts:

Why three P-Organs? Three because the one Romeo uses in the play is pretty close to what we see on the menu screen - I could see it being perhaps his conceptual design or prototype copy that, once the first real P-Organ was made, was left for future reference.

Why make a big deal out of Dorothy? Because Dorothy and subsequently, The Wizard of Oz would be released during the Belle Epoque (1890-1914) timeframe which this setting takes place. Given the Endgame Credits Scene, this makes considering Dorothy's appearance in Krat at the very least somewhat relevant.

A fun thought I had was the idea of Dorothy being the Famed Stalker, but that person in particular is implied to have been so much beyond the Stalkers that she superseded their hierarchy and had her own place at the top without belonging to any particular faction.

Another interesting thought was the idea of Carlo having been a Listener - as Listeners were often hunted down and experimented on, it seemed like a fun idea to play around with, but in this case, it's not certain one way or another.

[haarute]

watching dragon ball alone in my bedroom on an old, small, and dusty tv at 5 in the afternoon is without exaggeration the first memories i have of my life. so clear, yet so distant.

i remember doodling dragon ball characters almost every day in primary school. and even when i didn't draw them specifically, you could tell that "art" for me looked like toriyama's style. those drawings were my first exposure to the that world, and that was my starting point for anything i've ever drawn.

funny story: the hardest i've ever cried as a kid (and kind of in general), was watching the final minutes of the final episode of dragon ball GT, where the intro song "dan dan kokoro hikareteku" plays over a montage of all of dragon ball from beginning to end. i had been following goku since he was a kid in OG dragon ball almost daily since i could remember. kid me couldn't take the idea of him being gone forever. he was my best friend.

i watched that episode on the day of my BIRTHDAY, like 2 hours before i had to go to my party at an arcade restaurant we invited my friends to. i was A MESS. just sitting in our car sobbing uncontrollably while my mom didn't know what the fuck was wrong with me as i couldn't speak. must have been like 8-9 years old, maybe?

last year i thought to myself "why don't i have that song on my playlist?" and decided to look up this ending again out of curiosity. i was once again reduced an absolute wreck as a 27 year old adult in 2 minutes. i couldn't believe how primal these emotions of mine were, as i hadn't watched or cared much about this show in forever, but i suppose it is impossible to completely remove something that was once so core to your life, regardless of how much time has passed lmao. so here i am, tearing up once again.

i know i'm just rambling here, but seeing so many people on social media talk about their experiences with anything that toriyama-san had created really made me start reminiscing on my own experiences with dragon ball and how much it meant to me.

the reach he had on the entire planet cannot be overstated. through comic books, anime, videogames... be it dragon ball, dragon quest, chrono trigger, dr. slump, sand land, etc. and that is without even considering the unquantifiable amount of art that was inspired directly by his work, and the people that were then inspired in turn.

he's touched so many lives of all ages across time. and will continue to do so, as is the nature of art itself.

watching my favorite show. collecting cards with my favorite characters on them. frequenting my favorite AMVs of my favorite moments. playing my favorite videogames with my friends after school... the list goes on.

thank you for all the memories.

thank you, akira toriyama. rest in peace.

[lovesick0cupid]

stereotypes abt systems r so funny to me bcuz.

host [me, hi] is not an anp, but instead a trauma holder of some of our most traumatic memories, with worsened symptoms of bpd and hpd. and i do actually do more than just sit around and front. because i have several roles actually. [sleep + social caretaker]

actually also, we have NO anps, the closest we have is a robot former host who is NOT normal because they STRAIGHT UP cant feel hunger or exhaustion due to us not having time to eat breakfast before going to school when it was hosting.

our main caretakers are not sweet, or soft, or cozy. one doesnt care for people and is actively intimidating to others without trying [and hes not interested in changing that idea], and the other is actively hostile towards people and is only interested in taking care of daily tasks

being social and friendly isnt a requirement but an optional thing, to the point we have social caretakers because so few of us are enjoyable to talk to or enjoy talking to people.

the Hosting situation [1 main host who is always fronting, 3 primary cohosts who are almost always in cofront, and 5 more cohosts who often get pulled to front. and we still have regular host changes every year or more.] instead of having no host, or a """""""""core""""""""" host

we have 10 introjects out of dozens of brainmade alters.

furthermore, we dont split the same fictional guy over and over! instead we have ~30 anger holders and 20+ protectors. b. because? i dont know. man too angry to associate

we DO have an evil alter and among being the only alter who we warn people abt interacting with, he has also eaten a mattress!

[gorbalsvampire]

the world is a vampire (vtm city meta 1/?)

playing the world

So, you ended up as a Storyteller. Maybe you happen to own the rulebooks. Maybe you had the idea. Maybe nobody else in your group will put on their big gender pants and step up. The point is: you've got the 'sponserbilities. Now what?

The charm of being the Storyteller, for me, is getting to build wide rather than deep. Rather than inhabiting one character you get to occupy an entire world, moving it in response to the other players' actions but - and this is one of the big Storyteller Secrets - also in spite of them, and without anything to do with them.

In my experience a real good city and story are dynamic environments. SPCs want things that aren't necessarily anything to do with the PCs; they have Ambitions that they will advance whether the PCs are interfering or not, even whether the PCs are paying attention or not.

That's the secret to playing the world. What the players are interested in is the primary plot - there's no point in dragging them to Your Story - but you still get to do everything. Things can happen that the players only discover later, when their attention turns and they realise there was always something else going on.

choosing your location

There are two wolves inside me.

One abhors the very words "lore" and "canon" and has no interest in living any deeper in the shadows of the "IP holders" than necessary to play. One is obsessed with the World of Darkness and has years of fond memories attached to published material, and is also kinda lazy.

One of the wolves gets to pick my cities, but it's not always the same one. If it's the first wolf, I pick a city that doesn't have a By Night book and might only have one or two lines of attention paid to it. If it's the second, I pick a city that has a good By Night book, or a writeup in one of the gazetteer chapters/books. Glasgow was a first wolf pick; Prague was a second wolf pick.

why did I pick Glasgow?

I wanted to set a story in Scotland, for the Dunsirn connection, and I wasn't going to use Edinburgh because I didn't fancy tangling with The Gentleman's adopted OC. (I can be quite a brat about this, sometimes - it's why I've never run a game in Manchester despite knowing and loving the city.)

Vampire as a game turns on sectarian violence, the conflicts between conspiracies. Vampire as a mode exaggerates real history, setting up the Kindred as influential parasites and predators, moving it but being moved by it. Generally, when I pick a city off its own merits, it's because I've looked at it and gone "oh, that could be vampires."

Glasgow's history is, forgive me, full of lines drawn. Protestant and Catholic, Unionist and Independence, Rangers and Celtic. It's really easy to wire and crosswire vampires into those conflicts, and to set up tensions within a clan or sect's power bloc by having its members on different sides of them. Divided loyalties aplenty.

I also have a literary point of reference. I'm a big Iain Banks fan, have been since I read The Wasp Factory at school, and his novels Espedair Street and The Crow Road are mostly and partly set in Glasgow. That helps - if the city isn't somewhere I've ever been I like having a sense of it informed by fiction, a vibe that I can draw down and inflect with Vampire's core concerns.

why did I pick Prague?

Partly, I had Redemption on the brain. (I've always had Redemption on the brain, it's how I came in, it's my Bloodlines.) Statting Christof Romauld for a Reddit thread got me started on the rest of his coterie, then reading Transylvania By Night and seeing how it didn't align with the PC game kept me going. And... OK, I'm not going to lie, the anachronisms were getting to me.

Sometimes, the desire to reach in and do a different job to the authors - not an objectively better one, but one more aligned to my priorities, subjectively better, for me - is too strong. There's a lot of that at work here. The buildings that shouldn't exist yet, the Discipline choice that doesn't make sense in V5, the desire to see if I can make this work - that's it, really, that's why I pick cities with more published material. The urge toward transformative work expresses itself as it will.

other reasons

In the past I've often seen advice to the extent that you should pick a city you know well, maybe the city that YOU live in. I don't think you have to do this, but there's one way in which it undeniably helps: grounding, through little details, through street names and cultural cues that you just know in your bones and don't have to fake. That can be really helpful if you don't want the cognitive load of pretending you're multiple different people and having to sell the sense of a different culture and do that respectfully.

Also, we need to talk about history. Some places are better for vampires at this point or that in their real history - Glasgow of the twentieth century was definitely an easier place to tell a kind of grotty, gangland vampire story than the twenty-first. Since I wanted to use it for V5, and I was bridging through from Revised, I made that part of the story, part of the theme. The city was cleaning up its act, gentrifying even, and the controlling ancillae were being left behind.

I could very easily do a Nineties Camarilla game, or a Victorian Age thing, showing the city in its glory days (for a given value of glory), but if I wanted to do a Dark Ages game, it would be more of a frontier thing, with the PCs the only Cainites in town: the city is too small and too new for much else to work.

[b3wtched]

∘☽ ☆ ☾∘ biography.    wanted.    pinterest.    playlist.

⌜ whitney peak, cis woman, she/her, ⌟  welcome back to hogwarts, TRACEY DAVIS ! according to your file, you’re a TWENTY TWO year old HALF BLOOD. as i’m sure you remember, last spring had its challenges, but i’m confident you’ll take your studies more seriously this year. as a FIFTH year SLYTHERIN, focusing on SPELLCASTING, you’ve got a lot on your plate. our records show that you're CANDID and INNOVATIVE however, they seem to have left off that you’re DECEPTIVE and DESTRUCTIVE. if i’m correct, you’re siding with NEUTRAL, which makes sense considering you’re known around the castle for experimental spells scribbled on her palm in invisible ink, dark mischievous eyes gleaming with the thrill of challenge, worn out leather-bound notebooks filled with countless observations, and malicious compliance. let’s hope you make it through the year in one piece. 

B A S I C S .

full name … tracey june davis nickname(s) … trace, tj, davie ( mostly her house mates ) dob … may 19, 2001 age … twenty two gender … cis woman pronouns … she/her sexuality … identifies as bisexual but is lowkey a lesbian going through a serious case of comphet relationship status … single religion … non practicing catholic  education … hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry

H E A L T H .

preferred hand … left blood type … ab- allergies ... citrus fruits ( but she eats them anyways ) physical … all around in good physical health although she has broken her wrist quite a few times mental … minor ocd social …has plenty of ‘friends’ but only a few that she is actually close with. although she prefers to just chill by herself most of the time.

P E R S O N A L I T Y .

taurus sun . entp ( the debator ) . sanguine . patience . envy . chaotic neutral . 3w2 ( the enchanter ) positive …  candid, innovative, meticulous, reliable neutral … ambitious, competitive negative …  destructive, deceptive, pessimistic, aloof habits … rolling her eyes at authority figures, falling asleep during potions class likes … shopping, early morning walks, dragon flies, ramen, energy potions, the excessive jewelry, and pumpkin pie dislikes … morning dew, blood, wearing socks, hair ties, cheese flavored anything, jogging and ice cream. fears … birds ( specifically owls ), premature death, ghosts tropes … defrosting ice queen, hidden genius inspo … lydia martin ( teen wolf ), pamela isley ( harley quinn ), veronica mars ( veronica mars ) and isabel evans ( roswell )

F A M I L Y.

eloise davis ; ( mother - pureblood , 46 , primary school teacher, former botanist ) phillip davis ; ( father - squib, 49, muggle journalist ) maya davis ; ( sister - squib, 25, med student ) athena davis ; ( brown cat - 6 months, found during a trip to hogsmade )

A P P E A R A N C E .

faceclaim … whitney peak face … 2 dimples, dark eyes, sparse freckles across her nose hair … dark shoulder length 3c hair occasionally pulled back into braids or a ponytail body … 5'4 , slim athletic build style …platform boots that make her appear at least 3 inches taller, tight shirts, oversized jackets and sweaters, dark jeans, and stained school robes misc … small tattoo on her left forearm that reads, “ i want to be great or nothing. ” bat tattoo behind her ear. taurus constellation tattooed across her fingers. septum, right nostril and tongue piercing.

W I T C H C R A F T .

house … slytherin blood status … halfblood boggart … birds attacking, specifically horned owls amortentia … cherry lip gloss, burning leaves, lavender lotion, and her mother’s sugar cookies patronus … bat ( non corporeal but she’s working on it ) ⸻ her most cherished memory is being placed into slytherin. although she knew her parents were going to be disappointed, personally, tracey had never felt happier. she finally had a home away from home. wand … 13 ¼" (length), red oak (wood), dragon heartstrings (core) ⸻ red oak is an infallible sign of its owner’s hot temper. a perfect duelling wand. the ideal master is light of touch, quick-witted, and adaptable, often the creator of distinctive spells, and a good person to have by your side in a fight.⸻ dragon heartstrings produce wands with the most power and are capable of the most flamboyant spells. dragon wands tend to learn more quickly than other types, are temperamental, and are most prone to accidents. major … spellcasting goals … to become a professional duelist favorites … charms, dada, history of magic least favorites … potions, muggle studies, astronomy extracurriculars … slug club, slytherin quidditch keeper, dueling club president

H E A D C A N O N S .

growing up, tracey always assumed she’d follow in her mother’s footsteps and be sorted into ravenclaw. the idea was almost a certainty in her mind— however, when the sorting hat called out slytherin she felt a sense of relief wash over her. she always wears platform shoes, because she wants to appear taller and more intimidating. partly a defense mechanism to mask her insecurities, but mostly because she wants people to take her seriously. she HATES potions, it stems from her deep-seated fear of failure. she struggles with understanding the subject and worries that admitting this would expose a weakness. however, instead of seeking help, she dismisses the class as boring, protecting her pride while secretly dreading each lesson. tracey has broken her wand 4 times. she usually laughs it off, joking with her friends about how she’s just ‘too powerful’ for her wands to handle.

C O N N E C T I O N S .

mentor, confidant, drinking friend, former fling etc. twin flame - the  two  started  off  as  good  friends  and  thought  that  meant  they  were  soulmates  however,  tracey  soon  realized  they were better off as friends  and  that  was  the  end  of  that  relationship. however,  they're  still  very  close  with  one  another.  ride or die - they're  the  classic  childhood  best  friends. they  pretty  much  grew  up  together  and  although  their  social  circles  eventually grew  ( perhaps different houses? ) apart  they've  always  managed  to  stay  very  close. ex / on again off again  -  her  first  real  love.  the  two  have  broken  up  and  gotten  back  together  more  times  than  they  can  count,  and  each  break up  is  more  painful  than  the  one  before  it. whenever  they're  apart  it  drives  her  crazy  but  whenever  they're  together  she's  reminded  of  how  bad  they  are  for  each  other.  potential  victims  of  right  person,  wrong  time. frenemy - they  argue  and  fight  about  everything,  and  while  they  aren't  exactly  friends,  they  still  have  moments  that  keep  them  from  completely  drifting  apart. frenemy / rival -  the  two  have  never  fully  gotten  along,  for  a  reason  completely  lost  on  tracey  ,  when  it  comes  to  them  it’s  like  all  of  her  people  skills  are  gone. she  never  misses  a  chance  to  make  their  life  a little  more  difficult  and  takes  pride  in  making  jokes  usually  at  their  expense. whether in the classroom or daily life, they are always trying to prove who’s the best.  ex friend - their  friendship  ended  on  pretty  rocky  terms  and  it  drives  tracey  crazy. as  much  as  she  tries  to  get  over  it  and  move  on  with  her  life  she  can’t  get  over  the  fact  that  there  is  someone  in  the  world  who  doesn’t  like  her,  someone  who  knows  all  of  her  secrets.

[chezlucifan]

So I finally bit the bullet and paid 🍎 for Hamlet 2009 starring David Tennant who was of course fcuking brilliant.

I have seen other versions but I've never found Hamlets "madness" funny before not sure I was supposed to this time either but it is what it is.

David certainly played it a bit more manic than melancholy, as is the usual way, which I found very refreshing.

I especially enjoyed the interplay with Peter De Jerseys Horatio.

I absolutely loved the pipe (recorder) scene as pretty much every British kid will have a core memory of learning three blind mice on the recorder in primary school , which makes this scene even funnier.

I've decided to watch Good Omens again and keep in mind that this silly Demon is also a brilliant Shakespearean actor. Which remided me of the confession scene and the masterful way he delivered every line and conveyed Crowleys heartbreak in every pause and crack in his voice.

So now the new mission is to see the Scottish play in person even if I have to get standing tickets.

[skz317cb97]

Lee Felix X Thick female reader

Word count: 6.5k

Synopsis: Felix, your best friend who happens to be head over heels in love with you, takes you to an old high school friend's wedding, At the reception an old crush that used to torment you shows an interest after all these years. Instead of telling him to fuck off you laugh, dance and disappear with him. Felix is unable to stand seeing it opting to drown his sorrows instead. Will Felix be able to finally tell you how he feels, or will he lose you to the old prom king without ever taking his chance?

A/N: 18+ only! This is the seventh installment of the SKZ x thick reader series! Wow! SEVEN! Only one more to go I can't believe it! Thank you all for coming along on this wild ride of plus sized mc's and the turmoil and doubts that come along with being a plus sized person in our world. This one I wanted to kind of turn that on its head just a bit, so I hope you enjoy that aspect. Also! I usually keep all my warnings below the cut, but I feel like I should make mention that there is an attempted assault written into this story. It is not too graphic or very long, but it is in the story so if that is something that can be upsetting, triggering, or make you uncomfortable please know, I understand if you skip this one. Other than that, I hope you enjoy reading! If you do give it a like, reblog, comment, shoot me an ask and keyboard smash. I love hearing from you guys about all my stories but especially this series. Now, as always, warnings and smut below the cut!

Warnings: MDNI 18+ ONLY! Strong language/cursing, attempted assault, fighting and mild violence, oral (f receiving), unprotected piv sex (use your head and condoms please), Felix comes on y/n, little bit of praise and pet names (angel, jagiya, beautiful etc.) I think that is everything but if I ever miss something please let me know and I'll add it immediately.

You and Felix had been friends since forever. Best friends. He had been there to congratulate every accolade and picked up the pieces every time you were in shambles. Primary school, puberty, first boyfriend, first heart break, your favorite grandmothers passing, prom, university, all of your biggest core memories, Felix was a part of. Felix had only been head over heels in love with you since the sixth grade but he never had the guts to tell you. Afraid to lose his best friend, afraid of rejection.

Felix had always been on the thin side and not especially tall although still taller than you. You both had been fairly awkward before puberty. When it hit Felix, he got a little taller but he always struggled putting on weight. So, getting taller only made his already lithe frame that much thinner. Another thing that did happen to Felix when puberty hit was his voice dipped down octaves deeper which garnered him some looks considering his voice and appearance did not seem to go together. When puberty hit you boy it hit. Curves Felix had never seen appeared almost overnight. You had hips and big breasts and suddenly you weren’t the awkward preteen you had been anymore; you were a voluptuous woman. 

The popular girls did not like that you had things they wanted, so they made fun of you, called you fat, wore you down, made you think there was something wrong with you. There wasn’t of course. You had hips and breasts and an ass; a tummy comes with all of those things typically. The popular boys wanted the popular girls to like them so that meant joining in on your torment and boy did they. Yet you still wanted to fit in, wanted them to want to be your friend. Felix got the brunt of a lot too, usually for sticking up for you but you were always the main target.

That was ancient history though. You were both adults now and working in successful careers, you a clothing designer and Felix behind the scenes in the music industry. You were still best friends and Felix was still in love with you even after all those years. Which is why when he looked down at his buzzing cell phone and saw your name and picture pop up on the screen he smiled and answered quickly. 

“Felix! Will you be my date?!” He had only just answered and was flustered and confused by your choice of greeting. 

“Wh-What?” He stammered out finally. 

“Krista’s wedding. It’s in two weeks and Eric was supposed to go with me, before...” Eric your dick head ex-boyfriend. Felix rolled his eyes at the thought of the guy and finished your sentence. 

“Before you caught the dick head kissing his ‘cousin’ in a club?” You cringed at the memory. 

“Yes Felix that would be the reason he isn’t going, that and me dumping his ass. Anyway, I have to have a date I can not show up alone to this. Not with pretty much everyone from high school being there.” Felix didn’t understand why you still put so much value into those people’s opinions even after all these years. You were far more successful than half of them, you never saw any of them outside of events like weddings or reunions and most of them bullied the both of you in high school. 

“You think showing up with me is going to impress those assholes?” Even though he couldn’t see you, you rolled your eyes at him.  

“I’m not trying to impress anyone I just... don’t want to show up to a wedding alone and you always look handsome but you’re a knockout in a suit Lixie. Not all of them are assholes by the way.” Felix tried to ignore the feeling he got hearing you say he was handsome and scoffed. 

“Most of them.” He countered. 

“Well not Krista and it’s her wedding so I’m going. Are you gonna be my date or not Lix.” Of course he was going to do it from the moment you had asked but he was going to at least try and talk you out of going first. He let out a heavy sigh.

“Why do I feel like this is going to be prom all over again. Yes y/n I’ll be your date for the wedding. Text me the details.” You squealed on the other line. 

“AHHH! THANK YOU LIXIE!! I will, I'll text them to you now. Thank you thank you Felix, seriously.” He smiled at himself happy to hear you happy. 

“It’s fine y/n really. There’s no one’s wedding date I’d rather be than yours.” And he truly meant that more than you knew. You both said your goodbyes, hung up, and you immediately texted Felix the wedding details. Later that week you met up with Felix to go suit shopping.   

“Are we dress shopping too? What are you going to wear?” He was trying on different suit jackets spinning and showing you each one for your opinion. 

“I already have my dress, I got it a while back. I like the dark blue one, the Burberry. The color suits you.” Felix slid the blue one on again and inspected himself in the mirror, deciding he agreed. 

“Blue it is. Well show it to me when we get back to yours from shopping.” You shook your head. 

“No way, it’s way too hard to get in and out of. You’ll just have to be as surprised as everyone else the day of the wedding.” Felix laughed and rolled his eyes. He slid the jacket off and hung it back up with the slacks. 

“Alright that was easy enough, let's get out of here.”  

The day of the wedding finally came and Felix arrived at your apartment to pick you up. When you answered the door, his jaw hit the floor. There you stood in a gorgeous glittery black dress. The top was corseted and sinched in your waist accenting your already curvy figure while simultaneously smoothing your tummy and pushing your breasts up with two dainty little straps doing nothing to actually hold the garment in place. It had a gathered skirt with a high slit that went midthigh and you had on a pair of Louboutin red bottoms with a simple yet elegant diamond necklace laying delicately around your neck.  

Your hair was in a low sleek bun, a few pieces falling around your face and your make up was so flawless it almost looked like you had none on at all. You had a warm glow, black winged eyeliner and the red lip you wore was the same shade as your Louies. The way you had styled the whole look the dress was definitely the stand out. Felix must have been standing there a while stunned because you laughed and waved your hands in front of his face. 

“Earth to Felix, come back down from the mother ship.” He shook his head collecting himself, clearing his throat and you blushed a little at his reaction.  

“Did I do well?” You held out your arms and gave a little spin. Wide eyed Felix nodded and cleared his throat again. 

“Y-yeah! Wow... uh... I...” You gave that sweet laugh of yours as Felix was trying to control his dick that had gotten half hard at the sight of you. 

“Lee Felix Yongbok has no words.” He grabbed the back of his neck, blushing, and laughed a little, finally getting himself together. 

“You look amazing y/n, really, really amazing!” You crossed your foot in front of the other and gave a little curtsy.  

“You don’t look too bad yourself Lixie.” You winked at him, smoothed his jacket lapel and his freckled cheeks turned even redder. He quickly got things moving along. 

“Okay! Let’s get going or we’ll be late.” You pulled your door closed and you and Felix headed to your friend’s wedding. You were a little late but not too much. You missed the pre-wedding mingling and everyone was already seated but the ceremony hadn’t started yet. You and Felix quickly found seats in the back without drawing attention to yourselves.

The ceremony was beautiful and Krista and her new husband looked so happy it brought a tear to your eye that you quickly dabbed away hoping Felix hadn’t noticed. When his hand gripped the one resting on your lap, you knew he had. He gave it a gentle squeeze and you looked over to see him giving you that warm smile of his. He looked so soft when he smiled at you like that. The human embodiment of sunshine, you didn’t know what you would do without your Lixie by your side.  

Once the ceremony ended the guests were ushered to the reception area to wait for the newlyweds and the wedding party to join them. Felix walked you to the table you were assigned to and then went to get you both champagne. When he was on his way back to the table, he saw a very familiar and very unwelcome face. Peter Yin was standing by you talking.  

Peter was king shit in high school. Star athlete, prom king, boyfriend and now ex-husband to Tracy Kim, the prom queen to his king, the most popular girl in the school and both were your number one tormenters in high school. For some unknown reason to Felix, Peter had also been your crush. Yea he was handsome but he treated you like shit every chance he got. Still you'd had a soft spot for him.

Felix would never forget prom night. Peter had told you he dumped Tracy and asked you to prom, your of course said yes and he told you he’d pick you up at seven. Seven rolled around and past and there was no Peter. Felix had gone to prom stag but when he saw Peter and Tracy dancing together when Peter was supposed to be there with you, he knew straight off that Peter had stood you up. Felix left the dance and drove to your house that instant. You were so excited for prom. You had even made your own dress. It was all you had talked about that week. Felix couldn’t let you miss it. 

It was around eight when he knocked on your door. You sprung up quickly still in your hand made dress, still waiting, still hopeful that maybe something had held Peter up and now he was there to get you. When you opened the door, it was Felix standing there in a black tux with a flower corsage that matched your dress. He had bought it for you and kept it in his car just in case. Tears had welled up in your eyes once you realized Peter asking you to prom had all just been a cruel joke.  

Felix felt awful, he wasn’t who you wanted at your door. You wanted some big strong baseball player to be there to sweep you off your feet, not some skinny music nerd you hung out with all the time, and he knew that, but he wasn’t going to let you miss your prom because of those assholes. After some convincing you went and you were grateful for Felix because he managed to get you to have a good time and forget about everything. That was up until prom king and queen were announced.  

When Peter and Tracy were on stage getting crowned, they spotted you in the crowd and started snickering with each other. You were ready to leave after that. No amount of talking would convince you to stay any longer so Felix didn’t try and argue and took you home. He sat with you while you cried that night until you fell asleep in his lap. He held you and looked down taking in every freckle, every eyelash, the soft pout of your lips, he looked at your puffy red rimmed eyes and his heart ached for you. Felix kissed your forehead, leaned back and closed his eyes.  

Felix never liked the way Peter treated you and after prom, well. So, when Felix saw Peter standing there talking to you, he made his way over to the table quickly, expecting tension but surprised to be met by your laughter. Felix sat next to you handing you your drink, one eyebrow raised in question.  

“Thanks, Lixie.” You said as you smiled the biggest smile he’d seen on your face in some time. You seemed to be very happy with the attention Peter was giving you. It was not surprising that he was of course. You were an absolute knock out in that dress. 

“Fe-Fe?!” Peter exclaimed in surprise like Felix didn’t look exactly like he did in high school. Felix gave him a tight-lipped smile raising both his eyebrows. 

“It’s Felix and yes. It’s me Peter. How are things?” Felix was as cordial as he could be considering what Peter had done to you. Peter clapped Felix on the back a bit harder than necessary and laughed. 

“Felix of course. I should have known if y/n was here you weren’t far. Always her little shadow. I’ve been really great lately and things seem to be getting even better, thanks for asking.” Peter’s attention immediately turned back to you.  

“I’ve got to go find my seat beautiful but find me when the dancing has started yea?” You smiled and shook your head blushing a little. He pointed at Felix. 

“Fe-F-Felix! Shots later at the bar my man!” Felix gave him the same tight-lipped smile and a slight nod, then Peter winked at you and left to find his seat. He was acting like prom had never happened. Like he didn't torture you every day of your high school career. It made Felix’s blood boil. Once Peter was a bit more than ear shot away Felix finally felt like he could let out the breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding. 

“Well, he hasn’t changed a bit.” Felix said as he took another deep breath calming himself. You scrunched your eyebrows. 

“What do you mean? He was perfectly civil and he apologized for prom before you walked over.” Felix rolled his eyes scoffing. 

“Oh, he apologized well then and calling me by the terrible nick name him and the rest of the baseball team used to call me is considered perfectly civil to you?” You frowned a little. 

“He caught himself the second time Lix. He was trying to be nice.” Felix knew whatever that was, wasn’t him being nice but there was no use arguing with you about it so he just nodded and dropped it, taking a big drink of his champagne. The happy couple and their wedding party came dancing in to ‘Put a Ring on it’ shortly after and once the cake was cut and toasts were made the music was turned up and the dancefloor filled quickly. Felix shook off the residual anger about Peter. He smiled, stood up, and grabbed your hand, pulling you.  

“Come on, me and you, dancing now.” You laughed and let Felix drag you onto the dance floor where you both started bobbing along and two stepping to the beat of the song. After about three songs a slow one came on. You both stopped and looked at each other for a minute. You hadn’t slow danced together since you were kids at prom. Felix willed himself to get a little brave and pulled you close. One hand resting at the small of your back the other threaded with yours as he started to lead you gently. He was thankful that even with your heels on he was still just a bit taller than you. He gave you his warm smile and you blushed. You let go of his hand and wrapped your arms around Felix’s shoulders, pulling the two of your closer, and rested your head on his shoulder, hiding your red face and Felix hoped you couldn’t feel his heart beating out of his chest. Of course, that would be the time Peter spotted you both and made his way over. Felix noticed first and couldn’t help but scoff and make a face. You pulled back and looked at him. 

“What? What is it?” You asked wondering why his mood shifted so drastically when you had just been having a great time dancing together. 

“Your lunk in tin foil is on his way over.” Felix informed you rolling his eyes. You turned your head and saw Peter making his way through the sea of people dancing. When he saw you look up at him, he smiled at you, making your face light up. Felix wished he made you light up like that. His chest felt tighter the closer Peter got.  

“May I cut in?” Peter asked you not Felix of course. You looked at Felix wanting to make sure he was okay with it. You did ask him to come to this wedding with you, you didn’t want him to think you were ditching him. 

“Of course.” Felix stepped aside and when Peter stepped in, he pulled you so that your body was pressed against his and his hands immediately rested just above your ass, as yours gripped his shoulders. Felix turned rolling his eyes again and walking back to the table, you watched him walk away before Peter pulled your attention back. Felix grabbed another flute of champagne on the way to his seat.  

You stayed on the dance floor with Peter for about three more songs before he was pulling you off to a more private area. He found a dimly lit room and pulled you in, pushing you against a wall and kissing you as soon as the door closed. You kissed him back wrapping your arms around his neck. If sixteen-year-old you could see you now she would be dead. You and Peter had been making out for a little while when he started to slide his hand up your skirt between your thighs. You squeezed them closed and pushed him away a bit as you pulled back.  

“No Peter, I’m not... I like making out with you but I’m not ready for all that yet. We haven’t seen each other in years.” He leaned in and kissed your neck. 

“Well let's make up for lost time then.” He said as he gently bit your shoulder and slid his hand between your legs again. You pushed him away again. 

“Peter, I said no.” He huffed irritated, looking down at you, his eyes hard and dark. 

“Look if I fuck you at this wedding it’s gonna piss Tracy off to no end and anything I can do to piss that bitch off I’m doing, including you. I know you’ve wanted me since high school so just take what you can get and shut the fuck up already.” His grip on you tightened as he licked and kissed your neck and shoulder. The feeling that had, just moments before been welcomed, felt disgusting and you tried to push him off again but he was stronger. 

“Peter get the fuck off me!” You shoved him as hard as you could but he wouldn’t budge. When he started to unbuckle his belt, you kneed him in the balls and pushed him away. He was back up and on you too quickly though, he ripped the strap of your dress grabbing you and pushed you against the wall again before he slapped you across the face. 

“Stupid fat bitch!” Just then Felix came bursting through the door. 

Felix sat at the table watching the love of his life dance with her high school crush while he drowned his broken heart in his fourth glass of champagne? Fifth? He wasn’t sure, it didn’t matter anyway. He was going to get drunk enough to not think or care about what was happening right in front of his eyes. When Felix saw Peter pull you off the dance floor the pit in his stomach grew. He downed the rest of his champagne and grabbed another, downing it just as quickly. Once number six really hit Felix he felt like he was going to be sick. He rushed to the bathrooms and threw up; he was never much of a drinker. Felix rinsed his mouth, splashed some cool water on his face and felt a bit better. He grabbed a mint from his pocket and it helped calm his stomach a little more as well as get the residual bad taste from his mouth. 

Felix was walking back to join the reception when he heard a commotion come from the other side of the door he was passing. He leaned in and he could hear your voice and heavy breaths and he thought he was going to be sick again. Until he actually made out what the voices were saying. He heard you yell for Peter to get the fuck off you, then a grunt and something bang against the wall. Felix burst in and found you pinned against the wall by Peter, his hand connecting with your face. 

“Stupid fat bitch!” Felix saw red. He didn’t hesitate. He launched towards Peter and speared him to the ground. Felix was able to get a few good shots in before Peter was able to overpower him. Peter punched Felix in the stomach twice and then a cross hook to his face knocking Felix off of him. 

“Peter fucking STOP!” He stood up and kicked Felix in the gut while he was down and your tried pulling Peter away screaming at him. Luckily all the noise drew attention and the groom and a few groomsmen came running in, pulling Peter away. As Felix got up and went after Peter again, another groomsmen held him back. 

“I’ll fucking kill you, you son of a bitch!” Krista came in right after to see what the hell was going on. When she saw you on the floor, she rushed over. 

“y/n?! What’s going on are you okay?!” You hadn’t realized it but tears were streaming down your face. 

“Peter... he-he...” You tried to get the words out but couldn’t. Felix started shouting again. 

“He was trying to fucking assault her! He fucking hit her!” Felix lunged and reached for him and the groomsmen that was restraining him had to plant his feet and lock his arms around Felix. Peter pushed the other groomsmen off fixing his jacket and hair. 

“My ass! She was all over me.” The ripped strap on your dress and the very visible handprint on your face made it clear that was a lie. The groom and his best man grabbed Peter by the arms and forcefully escorted him out. While Krista tried to calm you. 

“I’m so sorry Krista! I... I’ll pay for any damages. I’m sorry!” She shook her head. 

“You’ll do no such thing, nothing is damaged. Please don’t apologize!” She hugged you tightly, she had always been a dear friend. Once Peter was escorted out of the room Felix calmed down. The other groomsmen let him go, and the room started to clear out. He quickly went and knelt by you. Krista smiled when Felix grabbed your hand and left the two of you once he was by your side.  

“Are you okay?!” He asked as he tilted your face to look at you. You nodded sniffling. 

“What do you mean me?! Felix are YOU okay?!” You took his face in your hands and inspected the freckled cheek Peter’s fist had connected with. Felix grabbed your wrist gently and nodded. 

“I’m fine y/n, really. Let’s get you out of here, okay?” You agreed. Felix stood and helped you up. You found Krista again and said a quick goodbye, apologizing again. She assured you; she knew it had been Peter and not you or Felix causing the problem. Just before you were going to leave Krista pulled Felix aside. 

“Lix, why have you never told her?” He looked at Krista in shock. 

“Told her what?” Krista rolled her eyes and smiled at Felix knowingly. 

“That you’re in love with her, how long are you going to wait? You’ve been crazy for her since we were kids.” Felix looked down at his shoes knowing he clearly couldn’t lie to Krista. 

“Felix, tell her before you lose your chance. I promise, she feels the same.” Felix looked up at Krista with an unsure look on his face his heart full of doubt and she nodded in understanding. 

“Trust me Felix. Tell her.” He shook his head and gave Krista a hug before heading to the car with you to take you home. When Felix pulled up to your apartments you both sat there in silence for a moment, the adrenaline from the evening's events still buzzing in your bodies. You finally broke the silence. 

“Felix?” He looked at you and gave you that warm smile of his and you could feel yourself melting just like you did every time he smiled at you like that. You didn’t know what you would do without him. 

“Can you come up and help me with this dress? I had the old lady next door who does alterations tie me in it. She’s already in bed at this hour and I won’t be able to undo it myself.” Felix nodded. 

“Of course, hold on I’ll get your door.” He jumped out of the car quickly, opened your door and helped you out of the car. You stood, winced and stopped. 

“Just a sec.” You placed a hand on Felix’s shoulder to balance yourself as you leaned down to take off your heels.  

“Ugh that’s better I think I’ll be able to actually walk to my door now.” Felix laughed a little and took the shoes for you as you led him up to your place. When you and Felix walked  into the dark quiet apartment it reminded you of when you first walked into that room with Peter. Tears welled up in your eyes and you broke down crying out of nowhere. Felix dropped your shoes and pulled you close wrapping his arms around you tightly.  

“I hadn’t seen him in years and just walked in there with him Felix. What was I thinking?! I’m so stupid!” You sobbed against his chest and he shushed you. 

“You’re not stupid y/n. He’s a manipulative prick who’s taken advantage of the soft spot you had for him twice. He’s stupid for destroying the two chances he’s had to have the most beautiful woman in the world.” You looked up at Felix tears streaking your face.

“Felix, if you hadn’t been there... I don’t know...” He covered your mouth with his hand and shook his head. 

“I was. Let’s not think about the ifs.” You sniffled and wiped your face as you nodded.  

“Will you untie the back of this and loosen it? I’ve got to take a shower and get the smell of him off of me.” Felix nodded and you spun around so he could untie the corset for you. He loosened the string and you held the front of the dress up as it started to get some slack to it. You turned around and kissed Felix on the cheek. 

“Thank you. Will you still be here when I get out? I really don't want to be alone right now." He smiled at you and it warmed you all over like a summer sun. 

“I’ll be here y/n.” You kissed him on the cheek again and went off to get cleaned up. While you were in the shower Felix fished out a pair of your sweatpants and a t-shirt and got out of his suit. When you got out of the shower you threw on sweats and t-shirt as well and when you walked out into the living room you found Felix on your couch his knees pulled up and his arms wrapped around them, watching some movie on the tv. He looked so soft and warm. You walked over and Felix put his feet down so you could sit next to him. He opened his arms and you leaned into him.  

You took a deep breath and felt much calmer in his hold. You felt safe in Felix’s arms you knew he would always be there for you even if it was just as a friend. All the years you had wanted more but were too scared, certain he couldn’t possibly feel the same for you. You didn’t know what you would do without your Lixie. You couldn’t risk it but tonight, the look on his face when he’d gone after Peter. Could a man not in love with you look like that? You shifted in Felix’s arms and looked up at him. He looked back at you, his dark brown eyes, tender, adoring. 

“Felix, do you love me?” His eyes went wide and his jaw dropped as he stammered. You carded your fingers through Felix’s hair and pressed your lips against his softly. When he reciprocated the kiss, you deepened it tilting your head and opening your mouth. Felix pulled away unsure of what exactly was going on. 

“y/n what are you doing?” You ran your hand down the side of Felix’s face and he leaned into your touch. You let out a deep breath as you tried to think of what to say. 

“For as long as I can remember Lix. I thought what I felt for you was just a crush for the longest time. Just a silly crush because you were a boy and we were close. Then prom night, you showed up at my door with the corsage. You took me to prom and I had so much fun and when I was ready to go, we left no questions. Then you stayed with me while I cried myself to sleep. It was that next morning when I woke up in my bed with your arms around me. I wasn’t sure what was warmer, you or the sun shining in my window and I knew it wasn’t just a silly crush. I’m in love with you Felix.” Tears were rimming Felix’s eyes. He shook his head in disbelief. 

“All this time?” You bit your lip and nodded scared of what might come next. 

“I... I love you too y/n. So much! Since the sixth-grade sock hop when you dressed like Sandy and I dress like Danny from Grease. I have waited so long to hear those words come from your pretty lips.” He kissed you again and you wrapped your arms around his neck pulling him on top of you as you laid back on the couch. Felix broke the kiss and held your face running his thumb across your cheek. 

“y/n we... everything that happened tonight we don’t, I mean I don’t expect...” You kissed Felix softly silencing his worries. 

“Lixie, after the shit night we had and all this time we’ve suffered in silence, if you’re ready then I’m not waiting another minute. I want you, Felix.” He stared down at you underneath him in awe. Earlier you had been gorgeous, your dress, your hair and make-up. Now laying on the couch under Felix in your t-shirt and sweats, bare faced, hair down, freshly washed, the coconut smell from your shampoo and conditioner you were breath taking.

Felix leaned down and kissed you. You ran your hands down his firm muscles. Felix may have been thin but he was fit, no doubt about it. You lifted his shirt and he broke the kiss to pull it the rest of the way off and tossed it somewhere in the living room before claiming your lips again. His hand stayed on your hips until you grabbed them and slid them up your shirt until they were covering your breasts. 

“Touch me Lix I want you to please.” He squeezed your full breasts in his hands and started kissing down your neck. 

“Tell me what you want, exactly, everything and I'll give it to you angel.” You moaned and arched up into Felix’s touch at the feeling of his lips on you and the use of the sweet pet name. 

“Fuck Felix, I... I want you to go down on me.” Felix lifted up and pulled your t-shirt off, your lack of bra leaving you topless. 

“Oh god you really are an angel, look at you.” Your face turned red and he continued to kiss and nip down your neck and shoulder. 

“Tell me what else you want me to do to you baby, I want to know everything.” You moaned as he took a nipple into his mouth and sucked on it. 

“Uh... Mmmm... that feels so good Lixie. Want... want you inside me want you to make love to me Felix god please make love to me!” Felix let go of your nipple and left a fiery trail of kisses down your soft stomach. 

"Soon beautiful, soon." He hummed as he pulled your sweats and panties down your legs. 

“Mmmhmm keep going, what else jagiya?” His tongue dipped into your folds and started to explore you. 

“FUCK! LIX fuck! I want you to make me cum oh god please make me cum!” His soft lips sucked on your clit and he hummed again satisfied with your answers. 

“Anything you want angel.” Felix devoured you, but slowly, methodically, as if he was mapping out all your weak points and cataloging them for later. You weren’t sure how long Felix had been between your legs, moaning and slurping at you as you tugged at your breasts, his hair. Your orgasm crept up on you slowly and washed over your whole body.  

“Ohohohoh god Felix yes I’m coming yes mmmm yess!” You writhed as Felix’s hands gripped your thick thighs that clamped around his head. He never rushed a thing and slowly worked you through your climax giving your pussy little kitten licks until you stopped twitching. You laid there breathless a light sheen of sweat covering your body as Felix made his way back up to claim your lips again. 

“Oh my god Felix that was...” You let out a heavy breath and you pushed your hair out of your face. 

“FUCK!” You let out another heavy breath trying to control your racing heart as Felix’s finger caressed up and down the skin on your side, watching you with that same warm smile on his face. You pushed his hair out of his face too and he nuzzled against your hand. 

“So pretty.” You whispered as you traced the freckles on his cheek. Felix slid his sweats and boxer briefs off as you cooed over how gorgeous he was. Your hand trailed down his abs and your gently grabbed his cock. His mouth fell open and he looked you deep in your eyes as you started stroke him off. You ran your palm over the tip of his dick collecting his precum and continued to work him until grabbed your wrist and brought your hand to his lips, kissing the back of it. He threaded his fingers through yours and held your hand as he lined up with your aching cunt and stopped.  

“Do you want me to grab a condom first?” You shook your head. 

“I have an IUD.” Felix nodded and squeezed your hand as he slowly sank into you. The feeling of your warm velvety walls surrounding his cock was euphoric, made him a little lightheaded even. 

“You feel so good jagiya. God even better than my dreams.” He let go of your hand so that he could hold on to both of your squishy hips and started thrusting into you. The soft pants and moans you let out were so sweet Felix wanted to hear more. He leaned down and kissed your capturing those sweet breaths you let out as he fucked you deeper. 

“Let me hear you angel, want to hear that pretty voice tell me how good my cock feels.” You moaned out louder hearing Felix mingle such sweet words with such dirty ones. 

“God, it does Lixie! Fuck so good don’t stop!” Felix shook his head. 

“I’m not stopping until you cum at least two more times for me beautiful.” He fucked you harder snapping his hips into your full thighs pushing you over the edge quickly. 

“Lix fuck fuck yes! I’m coming Felix Ohhhh fuck I’m coming...” Felix slowed down allowing you to come down from the high of your second orgasm. He gently ran his fingertips up and down your body and it felt like electricity was buzzing through you. 

“So good, so sexy. Fuck. So good coming for me like that angel. You can give me one more yea?” You laid on your back on the couch under Felix completely fucked out and limp. You chewed on your lips and nodded as he continued fucking you slowly. 

“Yes Lix I think I can.” Felix cooed at you. 

“Of course you can angel such a good girl.” Your pussy clenched around Felix’s cock and his thrusts started to pick up rhythm again as he buried is dick into you deeper and deeper. He angled his hips different and started hitting that spot inside you again and had you screaming his name. 

“Lix Lix Fel-Felix fuck yes god harder right there!” Felix drilled into your hard and deep your body getting pushed up the couch with every thrust, your breasts bouncing to the rhythm of his cock pounding into you. Felix sucked on his fingers, wetting them and rubbed your clit fast and hard as he fucked you senseless and you came for the third time that night. Your cunt squeezed and milked Felix’s cock and he pushed himself deeper and deeper until he felt his orgasm coming.  

“Oh fuck y/n I’m gonna cum fuck!” Felix pulled his dick out and pumped it in his hand as he came across your pussy. Thick stripes of warm cum streaking across your mound and dripping down your slit. 

“Fuck fuck ohhh fuck.” Felix breathed out as he leaned down over you, his head resting in the crook of your neck as he shook and tried to catch his breath post nut. Your ran your fingers through his hair, running your nails along his scalp, soothing and bringing him back from his own mind-blowing orgasm. When the fog had finally cleared, he lifted his head and looked at you with a dreamy look in his eyes. He pushed a sweaty piece of hair out of your face and kissed you softly.  

“Come on let’s get cleaned up and go to bed.” With your own eyes half closed already you yawned and nodded. Felix started the shower and had you get in first. He grabbed your body wash and squeezed some into his hands and lathered it on your body with a rag, washing every inch of you. His touch was sweet, gentle even when he tenderly ran the rag through your folds it was only to clean you, not sexual in the least.

He placed tender kisses on your face any chance he got as he rinsed the suds from you and quickly washed himself. You both dried off and crawled into your bed. You laid your head on Felix’s chest and he wrapped his arms around you. You both melted into each other. Between the wedding, the fight, and making love you were both absolutely spent. Your eyes were so heavy they closed in no time. Felix wasn’t sure if you were asleep or not but he leaned close and whispered to you regardless. 

“y/n I love you so much. I want to be your wedding date forever and I hope I’m your date for the most important wedding of all.” Your eyes still closed, you scrunched your face and hummed. Felix kissed the top of your head and squeezed you tighter. 

@ughbehavior @caroline-ds-world @chansynie @jquellen27 @hyunelixies @fixation-dump @lachinitaaaaa @rinrinndou @bangchans-angel @laylasbunbunny

“Ours.”  

Please do not repost or translate any of my works. My blog and stories are NSFW and 18+ ONLY! Minors, ageless, and blank blogs will be blocked!

[dj-of-the-coven]

Hit me with your favorite defunct website

You will regret this.

Have you ever felt isolated by the modern internet, or nostalgic for the way that you can vaguely--but not entirely--remember experiencing as a child? Well I can't speak for everyone, but the past few years certainly have left me feeling that way. Certain nostalgia posts made circa 2021 got my brain churning in that direction, dredging up ancient memories of reading personal blogs and spending hours on flash game websites that were more or less entirely nuked from the internet by my adulthood. The more I remembered, the more distressed I felt by their absence, even though it'd been years since I even remembered most of that stuff existed...

Aside from Animal Jam, I wasn't sure if anything I knew from my mid 2000s-early 2010s childhood experience was out there on the web somewhere--so, I did as any normal teenager would and I started doing copious amounts of research into a subject that basically didn't exist. I discovered the internet archive entirely on accident; spent days examining the layout of early youtube and any other sites I could remember, navigating by year and trying to figure out when everything took a turn for the worst. I started browsing through webcore tags on tumblr just to get close to what I wanted, because "old internet" yielded few results at the time, and google's input was less than useless. Only a few blogs on tumblr had the kind of content I was looking for, but eventually I struck gold when one of them pointed me in a brand new direction of hope.

This is when I discovered neocities.

Of course, I was already familiar with the webhosting platform of geocities from the old days. Geocities was one of the primary hosting platforms that I remembered without the help of research, but you may already have guessed by the lack of a link that it's dead--and you'd be right. It actually shut down back in 2009, which I learned through the same post that advertised its independent successor. For some reason, I'd always associated the memory with the time I was in kindergarten, but the date of shutdown actually confirmed that I must've known about it earlier, making the platform one of my first memories! It's been gone for a while, but not the impression of it that I had as a core pillar in my early web experience. And then there was neocities. What was that? I immediately went to investigate.

Of course, I was mostly doing this in between two late-night bussing jobs to afford my shitty apartment, aside from being in my final year of high school, so progress was slow. At the starbucks next to my school, I was always holed up in the corner during my short window of off-time with a coffee and my computer setup. It took some time, but I began browsing through the top pages one-by-one, following links and cataloguing where they led to. I took stock of which sites linked to one another. Eventually, I noticed a pattern: a lot of them linked back to a website called sadgrl.online, a purple and black neon haven of internet culture run by a webmaster known as Sadness. Everyone say hello to our defunct website of the hour!

At the time, the thing was absolutely bustling. Almost all of the most popular sites on neocities were linked to Sadness' site somehow, usually through her button collection. My own personal site, which I started building around that time, also contained one of her web buttons. She has several, but her most popular one looks like this. (I apologize if you're on mobile. It will NOT look good.)

I was intrigued! In a community so removed from the usual mainstays of the internet, there existed a blog that hundreds of neocities users were visiting every day, and I very quickly became one of them once I finished looking through her thought-provoking essays on programming and web culture. Her site went through a number of layout changes while I was a regular visitor--the vast majority of them are catalogued on the site itself if not also on the internet archive. It was a blog dedicated to the exact thing that I was interested in; what I had been searching for since the modern web started rubbing me the wrong way in my burgeoning adulthood. Her page prominently featured an essay on the faults of centralized internet and her journey to foster a space more accepting of individuality, information, and creativity without thought of profit. I was totally enamored, especially with the appealing gothic graphics that surrounded the lengthy text!

(here's a capture from August 2022)

Aside from Sadness, several other active community members had formed an alliance of websites dedicated to the preservation of old internet culture and the cultivation of unique online spaces. These people called themselves the Yesterweb. The yesterweb was run mainly by webmasters known as Auzzie Jay, Madness, Tsvety, Grafo, Cinni, Vincent, Iris, and Sadness herself, but webmaster Melon (of MelonLand fame) also ran a forum that was parallel to the movement. The yesterweb was a massive project that included an online newspaper, a web radio station, several introductory programming manuals, a forum, web-themed essays from neocities users, button makers, layout creators, and terms and definitions for people new to the decentralized experience. It was easy to get lost in it all... for a time, the rabbit hole felt endless and exciting.

Every day, I returned to check updates on Sadness' various projects while I began work on my own website. She had totally convinced me of my own convictions--I bought the dream hook, line, and sinker. My only goal for a while was for my site to eventually be included in the yesterweb webring alongside all these amazing programmers. I wanted to contribute to the world of creativity that I could only dream of when HTML was still just meaningless jargon to me! But I was too slow learning the languages necessary, and the yesterweb was just growing too fast to be contained. I dipped for a few months to focus on my move to a new city, and by the time I returned, the whole yesterweb had disappeared scorched-earth style.

Okay, so what the fuck happened?

Currently, on the front page of what used to be a hopeful and inspiring collection of internet resources, there's a long essay made by the webmasters who founded the project, detailing burnout and massive stress due to the community growing faster than they could moderate it. It is certainly not poorly-intentioned. However, the discovery was absolutely devastating to me. My dream had gone up in smoke before I could even try to reach it, and I was apparently a part of the problem by caring so much about it. The radio station is gone. The webring was deleted. The forums shut down. My favorite webmasters' sites were no longer being updated. I felt awful for the people who had been affected by all this stress and pressure, but after so long of working to join the movement, I felt betrayed by their abandonment. The yesterweb disappeared in almost exactly the same way the old web did the first time--ripped from my fingers before I was able and ready to participate. And I can only wonder... what happened to the goal of turning the internet back into a place for us? How did it get to the point of ruining these people's lives within the span of maybe two years? I'm really not sure. There's a lot about this story I still don't know, and there's not really a way to access the drama that happened in a discord server that I never joined. The information published on the yesterweb's page is the only reliable source I'm currently aware of.

Still, in spite of it all, Sadness' website has remained one of my major inspirations in programming and web philosophy. I may be in mourning about a dream that died before it could truly live, but whenever I think about the months that I spent eagerly browsing her site for updates, I remember that spark that initially inspired me to begin researching the net in the first place. She was a major player in the game--not the only one. The website that she created was my favorite while it was active, and now it is my favorite website that is currently defunct.

Thank you for coming to my tedtalk.

[cissyenthusiast010155]

Omg, your response was so amazing and helpful 😭❤ Thank you for taking the time to really get into all that. 💞 It also seems to have kinda sparked a conversation arround it, which is awesome! 😁

And ohhhhh ya, the religious trauma and gilt are real 😳🙄

You mentioned you have more to say if we want to hear it? I, for one, would LOVE to hear anything else you have to say on the topic! ❤

-🫖

Hi hi hi 🫖 anon!!

{Let’s Talk Religious Guilt and Trauma}

I am so glad that my response—Let’s Talk Healthy Solo Sex— was helpful and informative for you!! Of course!!! I want to give every ask and every anon the time and respect that they deserve ♥️♥️ And yes, I love that it sparked more of a conversation!! I’m so proud of you for reaching out and starting these discussions, anon!!! 🥰

I most definitely have more to say on the topic. For one, you can check out Let’s Talk Penetrative Sex and Let’s Talk Trauma in Relationships, which both stemmed from our conversation! And then there’s this response, fyi it will be another longer one 😊

*sigh* Yes, religious guilt and trauma are most definitely real. And those of experiences and feelings are so valid. Trauma of any kind is no joke. If you have any religious trauma or trauma of any other kind, I highly recommend that you seek a professional’s help.

So… What is Religious Trauma and Guilt?

A general definition for Religious Trauma is… “Religious trauma can happen when an individual’s religious experience has been damaging, abusive, degrading, stressful, or traumatic. When a religious experience is traumatic, it can damage your emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual health”. Check out Cohesive Therapy NYC’s article on Religious Trauma for more detailed information! For an article that goes more into Religious Guilt, check out Considering Counseling’s article on Religious Trauma and Guilt…! ♥️

Religious trauma and guilt are especially tricky beasts… Many twisted religious teachings and persuasion is very cult like. (That’s not to say that all are, there are definitely less twisted, healthier religions and practices) But the ones that are rotten and manipulative, they dig deep into your core beliefs, especially if you’re a child, and they replace your identity with the identity of the religion/church/cult.

So, how do you deal with religious trauma and guilt?

Firstly, as I said above, seek professional help (I recommend an EMDR specialist for trauma—EMDR is a type of therapy that works to restructure traumatic memories in your brain)

On your own accord, Processing, Accepting, and then Healing is the overall goal. Talking it out and processing your experience and feelings with a trusted person can be helpful for some. I find that talking to someone who has also had religious trauma or guilt to be even more helpful, because of how they can relate. Sometimes journaling/writing about it can be another helpful tool. The key is to find some way to express those emotions, to get them out of you.

Personally, my own story is that I have both religious trauma and guilt, but I definitely struggle more with my religious trauma. I was raised in a Catholic school and an Interfaith-Christian household. We moved around a lot, and so I went to many Christian churches like Non-Denominational, Baptist, Presbyterian, Catholic, and Southern Christian/Baptist. After the Catholic primary school, I moved to a Christian Charter school for six years. At that age, all my activities were based around my church and religious school; safe to say, religion was a very big part of my childhood. When Covid hit, I had had enough and I used the social distancing and the lockdown as a way to disconnect from the church. I effectively stopped going to church in 2020. I then took that time to explore my religious trauma and guilt, and this was where my healing journey began.

Everyone’s journey is different, and everyone’s journey is valid. ♥️

I began my work with my CBT therapist (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy— most therapy is CBT or Freudian). I found that most of my religious guilt was tied to my sexuality, and that I really struggled with being gay and being religious. So I explored that. I talked about it with lots of people, including my therapist, trusted family members, and other trusted religious people. I found that finding others who struggled with sexuality and religion was extremely helpful, it made me feel validated and not alone in the struggle. Today, I am way further along with my religious guilt than I was 3 years ago, but I definitely still have more to process, accept, and heal from.

Next there was my religious trauma. For this, I started with my CBT therapy as well. It was helpful, but after 3 years, I have run into a wall… It depends on the intensity of your trauma, because “little t” trauma is more easily resolved through CBT, whereas “capital T” trauma requires the neural network in your brain. My trauma is more “capital T”, and so I found that CBT therapy only helped me so much. This is why I recommend EMDR therapy for trauma. EMDR therapy targets restricting your neural network, working out the traumatic memories.

Everyone’s experience is different, so what worked for me and what didn’t work might be different for you, and that’s okay. This is only my experience. But I hope that it was a little helpful, and that you at least feel less alone in your feelings. Because they are so valid. ♥️♥️

So yea, those are my key points for religious trauma and guilt…! Hope this was somewhat relatable, helpful, and informative 🥰 Don’t hesitate to reach out and chat with me, ask or dm! Hope you have a lovely day/night!! 💞💞

Talk with Me ❤️‍🔥

[blazehedgehog]

Thought on Sage (the charachter)? I would like her cause its kinda a funny dynamic and idea, but idk, maybe I'm just paranoid, but with child charachters in japanese media I allways have that bad feeling that they are designed by and for people who shouldnt go near primary schools

In general I think I like her, but depending on how you look at her character, she's kind of weird.

Like on some level, it's obviously a reaction to the fandom adopting Omelette for a few years after the release of Sonic Mania, right?

It's the idea that Eggman could have a "daughter." But most people that drew Omelette fan art drew her as this eager little gremlin trying to impress her dad. That's definitely not Sage, who seems to be trying to balance supporting Eggman's wishes while also maybe changing his mind and getting him to go soft.

You can also take a step back and try to figure out the "theme" of Sonic Frontiers. What is the story trying to say overall? It kind of deals with memories, I guess, but it doesn't have anything to "say" about memories.

I didn't mention it in my review because it didn't dawn on me until it was way too late to insert into the script, but, really the only story worth caring about in Sonic Frontiers is Sage's story, because more than anything she seems desperate to understand and connect with the new emotions she's been granted by her cyberspace transformation. We are literally watching a machine grasp with the concept of empathy for the first time.

Which is cool. But I don't know what it has to do with the memories of an ancient race of aliens thematically. Maybe it doesn't matter, because it's the closest thing to an emotional core the game has, and the only logical plot progression.

I know people want her to come back and I've even written posts about what it might look like if she returns in future games, but at the same time, I'm also having trouble envisioning her carrying forward in her current form.