#[V;Faulty Memories]

[pancakesnake-exe]

224 FACTS ABOUT

The Stig

It is The Stig

It was originally going to be called “The Gimp”, but was renamed The Stig, which means having a bad fashion sense while being born poor

“We don't know its name, we really don't know its name, nobody knows its name, and we don't want to know, because it's a racing driver.”

The Stig wears its helmet on set and most cast members don’t know who it is.

The Stig does not know who it is because they wiped its memory when it got the job.

It is the Pope.

There is only one The Stig.

The Stig used to work in Rome[as the pope], but gave up its job to be able to keep up with its work here

It has no face

It is terrified of scouts

The drinks cabinet in its car contains 14 different types of custard

Its favourite T-shirt has a picture of a T-shirt

It is afraid of bells

It is confused by stairs

It never blinks

The Stig is kept in the cupboard when not in use

It naturally faces magnetic north

It has a digital face

The Stig has an evil twin named Black Stig who died after driving off an aircraft carrier but came back to life https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Lkh0uWFg9c

It will charge you if you attempt to remove its helmet

Its nipples are explosive

It paid a $25,000 expenses claim for some gravel for his moat

The Stig has three legs

The Stig once dreamt for a whole week straight about what Rubens Barrichello would look like in a ham slicer

The Stig is banned from the town of Chichester

The Stig is the reincarnation of Jesus Christ

The Stig bought a slightly dented white Fiat Uno from the Duke of Edinburgh

If you hold it in the wrong way, it doesn't work properly

It is 47% horse

It has 17 children due to faulty condoms

The Stig has a special pissing technique that causes floods

It once punched a horse to the ground

It has Mansell Syndrome

The Stig runs on diesel

It has a very small brain

It “has no understanding of the concept of money”

The Stig’s credit card says “The Stig” and is issued by The Bank of Money

The Stig’s favorite genres of music are: Morse code, whale songs, baroque music, advertising jingles, country & western music, sales techniques, foreign language learning tapes, ABBA but French, speeches of Margaret Thatcher, Elton John, pipe bands, vuvuzelas, national anthems, Tuvan throat singing, self help audiotapes, and “an annoying ringing sound”

The Stig has to receive awards in its left hand, as its right one is magnetic

The Stig has decided all northerners are edible

It’s mission statement is to "just go out there and drive fast"

The Stig’s opinion is worthless

The Stig has died multiple times, but the Grim Reaper is too afraid to tell it.

The extent of The Stig’s knowledge outside racing is two facts about ducks

Both facts are wrong

The three others once reenacted the journey of the three wise men, and at the end, the manger held a baby The Stig.

The next episode a month later, it was fully grown. Due to “Stigs grow very quickly, and the new The Stig was thus already fully grown.”

Stigs must be transported in delivery crates

The Stig has a fatter American cousin called Big Stig, who is a more relaxed driver

The Stig has an African cousin who only wears boots, a loincloth, racing gloves, and a helmet, has watched “The Lion King” 1780 times, ands second-best friend is a Cape buffalo

The Stig has a cousin who works as a truck driver named Rig Stig who can power slide and drift in trucks, has only one sleeve and wears special gloves, favorite song is “Forever Autumn" by Justin Hayward, and owns the world’s largest porn collection

The Stig has a red-suited Vietnamese cousin who is a communist and rides a motorcycle.

The Stig has a vegetarian cousin named Janet Stig Porter whose helmet is solar powered and wears overalls and socks with sandals

The Stig has a German cousin named Herr Stig who is identical to The Stig in every way besides having a mullet

The Stig has an Italian cousin named Bunga-Bunga Stig who wears a suit, is followed everywhere by three women, and only drives Italian sports cars

The Stig has a Chinese cousin named Attack Stig who is a kung-fu master, attacks anyone on sight indiscriminately, kicked James Lemay in the balls, beat up a large amount of the crew(even stopping in the middle of his timed lap to attack a track Marshall who accidentally entered its line of sight), and looks almost the same as The Stig

The Stig has a teenage cousin who wears headphones, wears low waist line pants showing its underwear, always looks at its phone, and made a mobile game titled “Top Gear: Race The Stig”

The Stig has an Australian cousin who lives in an open cut iron ore mine, wears dusty overalls and flip-flops, is very muscular, and has a very “large gentlemanly sausage”

The Stig has three other teenage cousins who are triplets, wear three different colored headphones and smartphones, and all have low waist line pants showing their underwear

The Stig has a Emirati cousin who looks similar to the normal Stig but wears a ghutrah on top its helmet and a huge diamond watch

The Stig has a relative of unknown association called “StigFoot” who lives in the woods

The Stig has a Japanese cousin named Ninja Stig who is a ninja, and wears a black helmet, a black ninja outfit, and has a katana on its back

The Stig has a business cousin named Business Stig who wears a red tie and a set of braces

The Stig’s father is named StigDad and wears a tank top and flare trousers

The Stig has another Australian cousin who lives upside down

The Stig has a New Zealander cousin named The Stug

The Stig has a Colorodonian cousin named Backwoods Stig who wears white racing overalls with torn off sleeves.

The Stig has a Yorkshire cousin named T’Stig with a flat cap on its helmet and 2 dogs by his feet at all times

The Stig has its own children’s book trilogy

The Stig has a chiseled jawline

The Stig has no friends

The Stig never blinks

The Stig roams the woods at night, foraging for wolves

The Stig is wanted by the CIA

The Stig sleeps upside down like a bat

The Stig can catch fish with its tounge

The Stig appears on high value stamps in Sweden

The Stig is illegal in 17 states

The Stig blinks sideways

The Stig’s breath smells like magnesium

Two of The Stig’s legs are hydraulic

The Stig lives in a tree

It’s sweat can be used to clean precious metals

It’s heart ticks like a watch

It’s voice can only be heard by cats

The Stig has two sets of knees

There is an airport in Russia named after it

Its skin has the texture of a dolphin

No matter where you are in the world, if you tune a radio to 88.4, you can hear its thoughts

The Stig has no understanding of clouds

Its earwax tastes like Turkish delight

The Stig is a master of politics

It’s tears are adhesive

If you set The Stig on fire, it would burn for a thousand days

The Stig can swim seven lengths under the water

The Stig has webbed buttchecks

Its heart is upside down

Its teeth glow in the dark

Its ears “aren’t where you would expect them to be”

The Stig once had an affair with John Prescott

If it felt like it, it could fire Alan Sugar

The Stig has upside down genitals

If it wanted to, it could crack the DaVinci Code in 43 seconds

Its ears have a paisley lining

The Stig is banned from the Chelsea Flower Show

The outline of The Stig’s left nipple is the exact same shape as the Nürburgring

If given a truly important job, The Stig will slack off and play croquet instead

The Stig invented Branston Pickle

On exceptionally warm days, it will shed its skin like a snake

The Stig is allergic to the Dutch

It’s first name is The

If it went in Celebrity Love Island, every one would be pregnant, including the cameramen

The Stig once threw a microwave at someone

The Stig once had a vicious knife fight with Anthea Turner

The Stig has nothing to do with the cash-for-honors scandal

The Stig is a CIA experiment that went wrong

The Stig only eats cheese

If you lick its chest, it will taste exactly like piccalilli

The Stig sucks moisture from ducks

Its crash helmet is modeled after Brittany Spears’ head

The Stig isn’t machine washable

All its potted plants are named Steve

The Stig’s scrotum has its own gravity field

To unlock The Stig, you must run your finger down its face

The Stig thought Star Wars was a documentary

The Stig is afraid of Australian trees

61 years ago, The Stig accidentally introduced the Queen of England to a Greek racialist

The Stig was beheaded, but grew it back

When it slows down, break lights turn on in his butt

The Stig is bad at soccer

The Stig once lost a canoe on a beach in the Northeast

The Stig once had to do time in a prison in Canterbury, because its teddy bear was named Baby Jesus

The Stig has never sat on Santa’s knee

The Stig has never watched Moonraker on Boxing Day

After having sex, The Stig bites the head off its partner

The Stig had to give up binge drinking when prices reached $1.50 a litre

Each of its toenails are exactly the same length as a woman’s nipples

It thinks Credit Crunch is a type of cereal

Its droppings have been found as far as New York

The Stig has a full-size tattoo of The Stig’s face on its face

It is impossible for The Stig to wear socks

The Stig can open a beer bottle with its testes

The Stig sleeps inside out

The Stig once had sex with an answering machine

The Stig invented November

One of its eyes is a testicle

Its left leg gets longer when it sees someone it finds attractive

The Stig doesn’t like getting its helmet wet

The Stig invented the curtain

The Stig thinks potato chips are a type of animal

The Stig is baffled by urinals

The Stig has twelve GCSEs, all in domestic science

The Stig has been producing artificial sperm for years, even though the team has repeatedly asked it not to

On Thursdays, The Stig becomes extremely bulbous

The Stig is highly contagious of the “The Stig Flu”, which killed countless pigs in Mexico

If The Stig compensated a soldier for getting wounded, it wouldn't try to take it all back again

The Stig made someone bald once

In the Autumn, all its arms turn brown and fall off

if it wrote you a letter of condolence, The Stog would get your name right

The Stig has terrible plans involving the Moon

The Stig‘s new Christmas range of fragrances includes the great smell of Wednesday

The Stig was turned down for the job of EU President because its face was just too recognizable

The Stig has never once hit a fire hydrant.

You shouldn't go around to its house for your Christmas lunch unless you enjoy the taste of seagull

The Stig has to take his shoes off with an alum key

The Stig’s New Year's Resolution is to eat fewer mice

Its discharge is luminous

There are 17 different reasons why The Stig is banned from the North Hampton branch of Little Chef

Its favourite airline pilot is Mark Webber, or two, actually

The Stig has an irrational hatred of Rubens Barricello

The Stig is terrified the BBC will reveal its salary because its paid in hardcore porn

Some people think the Scottish released it a little bit too soon

The Stig once spent all week slowly pushing an effigy of Rubens Barricello through his desk fan

The Stig has recently been releasing pop records under the pseudonym of "Lady Gaga"

Under its race suit, The Stig also wears a red G-string and suspenders

The Stig doesn't understand the word "envelope"

The Stig is the only person in Britain not to have slept with Alan Johnson's policeman

The Stig once tore a goat in half

Its nipples are explosive

In its wallet, it keeps a photograph of its wallet

Its favourite disease it had as a child was gout

The Stig doesn’t know what dogs are for

The Stig can't eat mashed potato for religious reasons

The Stig once received 47,000 Olympic tickets, all of them for the final of women's wrestling

The Stig refuses to acknowledge the existence of Nottinghamshire

The Stig once hacked into its own helmet

The Stig is the only person in Britain who knows what B&Q stands for

The Stig once spent its $1.5 million dollar bonus on French breast implants

The Stig has 50,000 photographs of its own camera

The Stig has high horsepower

The Stig is skilled in cocktail-making

The Stig is the only person in history to buy a DFS sofa when it wasn’t on sale

Its favourite boxing venue is Munich Airport

The Stig stores all of its shoes and cassette tapes on the motorway central reservation

Following the vote on gay marriage in Britain, The Stig got engaged to James May’s lawnmower

Its convinced that Henry IV is buried under the Follow-Through

The Stig used to be a stormtrooper, but it was kicked out when it tried to eat Darth Vader

The Stig is made of rubber porcelain

The Stig’s shadow is that of a beluga whale

The Stig can play guitar with the clutch

Its carbon fibre beard is chiselled in the most streamlined way

The Stig knighted the former Queen of England

The Stig once saved the former Queen from God

The Stig can hypnotize sheep

If bothered, The Stig could swim the entire Atlantic Ocean-underwater

The Stig once co-presented a Brazilian show about blimp disasters

The Stig once actually punched God

The Stig once killed a giraffe with just its feet

The Stig has a black belt in paper maché

Some say it is five foot tall with lead in its feet

Others say six feet with tall with air in its head

....but it doesn't care what you say

The Stig has contracted every STD known to man

The Stig has large inflatable breasts to get them out of speeding tickets

The Stig is one of the protons in the Large Hadron Collider

The Stig creates miniature black holes every time he sneezes

The Stig was the one who actually pulled Excalibur from the stone and is the rightful King of England

The Stig gave birth to Chuck Norris and the mother was Superman

The Stig has no understanding of queuing

The Stig once modelled for Page 3

Its feet are made from dog leather

The Stig invented the mankini because it was frustrated with how its speedos looked on it

The Stig is the reason why The Beatles split up

And finally: The Stig has never watched an episode of Top Gear because it prefers a different show that airs at the same time

“Right, that's the track, now we needed someone who could tame it. So we got ourselves a professional racing driver who could post consistently fast lap times. We um, we couldn't do that. Now we call this thing The Stig, okay, we don't know its name, we really don't know its name, no-one knows its name and we don't want to know because it's a racing driver and racing drivers have tiny little brains and therefore worthless opinions and they're very dull; doctors actually call it Mansell Syndrome. Um, its job is simply to go out there and drive fast.”

-God probably

[bluginkgo]

Welcome to yet another Ginkgo rants installment. I am your host, and today's sh*t I'd like to touch on is the many different errors, X's and symbols that are seen throughout the show.

Spoilers, duh

This is actually just me shamelessly talking about something, someone smarter has already talked about. I've mentioned LoreDrone from YouTube before, and one of the best theories they've got is regarding all of the random symbols we see throughout the show. I'll quickly summarize the idea here tho.

The first question that would have to be answered is what does Error: 606 really mean? I'm not techy or sciency enough to give you a solid answer, but there is this idea.

Drones are programmed with OS strings, directly stated by Absolute Solver and mentioned throughout the rest of the show. LoreDrone used N as an example:

So, say someone or something (like Absolute Solver) wishes to upgrade N into a disassembly drone. One of the core strings must be removed in order to incorporate the Absolute Solver string. It is during this period of time that when the core string is missing, the worker drones have the Error: 606 message. The only time 606 number has been mentioned would be when the tape played at the beginning of episode 5, Home.

Alright, let's say the gang has been upgraded into disassembly drones. Error: 606 message disappears and they begin their new mission. Next question would be what do the X visors mean then? Once again, from the tape seen in Episode 5:

X means there is a faulty OS string and something isn't lining up in the AI core programming. But how can that be? All of our disassembly gang work just fine. The X only shows up when they're going on a murder spree.

Exactly! When the gang is on a murder spree, their functions are heightened, using all of their weapons and abilities that were given by the Absolute Solver. It is during this time that the Absolute Solver core string becomes agitated and is more likely to take over and corrupt the trio. In order to combat this, they have a CYN administration blocking the Absolute Solver string from fully corrupting them. So, for every time that the Absolute Solver string attempts to corrupt the disassembly drone, CYN administration kicks in and stops it. Looking more like this:

The admin program switches the OS string of the Absolute Solver to false and causes the X on the visor.

Diving in deeper LoreDrone dissected the entire hacking process that Uzi did in the same manner. She entered V's and N's memories in order to restore them. But the issue was that Doll showed up in the middle of all this, while Uzi was trying to update and reprogram the administration, causing this:

With the admin program string missing, Error: 606 pops on their visors. This is quickly followed by the Absolute Solver symbol.

As it sees the perfect moment to take possession of the disassembly drones. Thankfully, Uzi gives up the bug key and finishes writing the new admin program.

Returning N and V to their usual self.

Now, if you're crazy enough to make it through all of this. GO WATCH THE VIDEO NOW ^_^

They explain it way better than me, and their "chats" with N are so hilarious. Then come back and yell at me about your own thoughts. Cause I have not seen any other solid theory that explains all the errors and X's in the show.

[icedmatchatae]

Glimpse of Us | KTH Chapter I: Finding Happiness

Pairing: Problematic Idol Taehyung x Grad Student Reader

Genre: Idol AU, Ex-Childhood Best Friends into—, Angst (Hello, welcome to my angst central), Fluff (mainly in the flashbacks), Slow Burn, Eventual Smut

Summary: BTS’s V has been living a lavished and successful lifestyle, but underneath all of that, Kim Taehyung is far from the perfect image the media and fans made him out to be. All he wants is to relive the feelings of happiness and purpose in his life, but how can he when he left behind those memories years ago? The same memories, he hopes to see a glimpse of.

Warning: Angst (from the start mwahahaha), mentions of alcohol consumption, violence, stalking, faulty media, descriptions of therapy sessions

Word Count: 7.2k

Chapter I: Finding Happiness || Series Masterlist

“BTS is the highly musically acclaimed boy band from South Korea, sweeping the charts across the globe with their wide diversity genres of music. Their lyrics consisted of personal and social commentary that moves those who listen, especially with their fanbase, ARMY. Each member of BTS have their own individual style to their work, yet still continue to play an important role to the group’s success.”

“BTS’s V shook the world, being recognized for his alluring baritone voice and exquisite “duality” and emotions on stage, as well as being coined “The Idol’s Idol” within the Kpop industry. His facial expressions, his motions, his voice, it shows it all.”

“V ranked first on the charts of being the number one most searched keyword for the past five years in South Korea.”

“V was always the first to attract those who don’t know BTS by his unique visuals, strong aura, and his intimidating gaze.”

“V is also part of Wooga Squad, a highly achieving group of men consisted of actors Park Seojoon, Choi Wooshik, Park Hyungsik, and artist Peakboy (Kwon Sunghwan). Their friendship is widely known on their platforms while supporting one another.”

“V caught the attention of many famous fashion brands, as everything he wears turns into gold, including Celine, Louis Vuitton, Gucci, and Prada.”

“V was ranked number one as the world’s most handsome and beautiful man in the world.”

“Among the members, V has the most followers on Instagram as well as the fastest growing account on the platform.”

“V is well-loved by ARMY and is supported of his endeavors. They hope to see a solo album in the near future.”

“BTS’s V gets followed by sasaeng at the park.”

“BTS’s V attacked by an influx crowd at the airport. Videos of him holding onto j-hope.”

“Kim Taehyung was seen hanging out with Park Seojoon and mystery girl?? Potential new lover?”

“Kim Taehyung (V of BTS) caught smoking before award show! Is he becoming an addict?”

“BTS V gets embroiled in attitude controversy for not greeting fans and journalists.”

“V of BTS: dating rumors with Tzuyu of Twice? JYP denies but HYBE ignores.”

“Taehyung was secretly recorded at night on the streets, drinking more than he can handle.”

“Kim Taehyung fighting in a club?? Reports of getting drunk and the idol throwing punches.”

“Are BTS’s V and Lisa from Blackpink dating??”

The cycle repeated itself as the ever-growing success of BTS continues, with Kim Taehyung being one of the members. Success, scandal, success, scandal. At this point, it was practically the same thing. Though with the achievements, popularity, and passionate fanbase, it, unfortunately, came with a price, specifically with Taehyung.

His life turned into something he didn’t expect, whether good or bad, but it could be safe to say it has been leaning towards bad. During his years as an idol, as V, his life was heavily scrutinized by the media and the fans. Through the hate comments online, unwanted paparazzi photos, and delusional headlines on topics that he didn’t even know about, it was never-ending that sadly took a toll on him.

Taehyung faced straight forward, not wanting to make eye contact with the man across from him, leaning slightly to the left. Blankness overcame his expression with the deep-set dark circles and hollowness of his cheeks. His lips peeled and swollen from the many occurrences of biting the skin off. His hair was messily styled into his “fluffy Tae bear” image as what ARMY loved to say, but he couldn’t care less about his appearance.

The ticking sound of the clock echoed within the tiny room as Taehyung hoped time only went faster. Despite the tight space, the environment was relatively comfortable. The warm fluorescent lights hanging above the two, a brown velvet couch occupied by yours truly, and a rust-toned loveseat also occupied by the professional. The walnut surface of the desk stacked with files and books by a wall and extended shelves on the opposite was in his peripheral vision.

Taehyung could sense the attentive stare the man was giving him, which had no effect on the idol. It wasn’t harsh gazing, almost curious and kind, but Taehyung wasn’t really ready to give his all. He was trying his best but didn’t know what to do. The idol almost felt bad for him, having been assigned to the professional for nearly a year with little to no progress. But the man had some steel grit and was determined for Taehyung to speak about something.

A particular question made Taehyung fidget in his seat and bounce his leg. It wasn’t too personal because everyone knew, but it still gave him chills thinking about it.

Recently, at BTS’s Festa Dinner Party, the boys announced a temporary pause on group activities except for their variety show, Run BTS, to focus on their solo projects and other activities they wished to pursue without the constant clash in the group’s schedule. Each member was currently doing their own thing, whether promotions or taking a short break. In Taehyung’s instance, the company and his fellow members thought it was a fantastic idea for Taehyung to continue focusing on himself.

Through the years and over time, Taehyung has been dealing with the pressure of the idol life and fearing that his privacy would be taken away at any minute. The heavy load caused a strain on him, a concoction of emotions, as well as changes in behavior. He got sad, he got angry, and he drank. He rarely remembered anything the morning after. He got nervous, he got stressed, and he smoked, which led to online hysteria. He got into fights with strangers, friends, and his members. Countless articles on him from a fight dated back months ago. Despite rarely interacting, he got caught up in scandals with various female idols that were obviously not true. The recent one was another Blackpink member. It has been his fourth one in the past year.

Somehow it was Taehyung getting the bitter end of the fruit, having to deal with it alone. He never comprehended how his name got caught in the tongues of the people when there were hundreds of thousands of celebrities they could choose from. Though not wanting to wish it on others, new up-and-coming idol groups were entering this industry. Idols who were quite naive don’t even know half the bullshit he and BTS faced.

Of course, there was ARMY support. But they interrupted the news differently, assuming that he’s trying to be a normal human and that he does indeed make mistakes. Others commented on Taehyung’s behavior as highly inappropriate as younger fans looked up to him. All responses are partially correct but also, in a way, incorrect in Taehyung’s eyes.

The boys’ support was incredibly different, and they understood him until a couple of years back. Now there has been a faint tension between Taehyung and some of the members after a disagreement right before the group’s announcement. Nevertheless, they were there for him, especially now.

But it was a little too much for his liking.

He has been in and out of therapy, having one session every month due to the rigorous scheduling of the group. But now, since that was on hold, it gave Taehyung the perfect time to engage with himself as frequently as possible.

Taehyung eventually gave up and told his therapist what had happened the past two weeks. The professional knew who he was and what happened with the group—having gone through a well-detailed contract of privacy—but it was appropriate for Taehyung to mention it on his own because sitting before the therapist wasn’t V of BTS but simply Kim Taehyung.

“How do you feel about all of that?” Dr. Im continued thoroughly, jotting down notes in his notebook.

Taehyung scrunched his nose, thinking what to say, “Bittersweet, I guess? You know we’ve been doing this for so long. It’s kinda like we don’t know how to act or do without the group.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, everything I’ve done for almost a decade has been in the group, for the group, with the group.” Taehyung shrugged, playing with his fingers. “Now we have this time to ourselves…almost lost I guess.”

“Can you elaborate on when you speak about “lost”?”

Being in a mood, Taehyung felt a little talkative this session. That’s what usually happened. One session, he’s a blabbermouth, the next, silent as a ghost. There was a reason why his progress was so inconsistent. “The group strived for a goal together, we worked hard and had success which made us happy, but…I don’t know. Me, I guess? I’m feeling lost where now it’s just me, and my goals, my happiness?”

“What would be your goals?”

“I don’t know. I just have my schedule.” Taehyung muttered, slowly getting disinterested in the topic. He hated that he didn’t know anything in his life. “Maybe write and do my solo album, but nothing is ever good for me. That’s why I’m probably the last member to do that.”

“I see, all that’s understandable. I can’t imagine your line of work, but I can sense that the craft takes time.” Dr. Im reassured his client with a warm smile. “You worked hard to get where you’re at. Hard work comes success and of course, at times, success can lead to happiness. Yet at the same time, there will always be struggles.” Taehyung barely responded, only with a nod of acknowledgment.

Lightly segwaying into another topic, Dr. Im wondered out loud, “You’ve mentioned your happiness. Could you describe a bit more to me?”

“There’s really nothing.” The idol bluntly replied. “I don’t feel happy. Like with the group, yeah I guess so, but just me? No.”

“So with the group, what is your happiness?”

“Maybe like, our bond?” Taehyung stated frankly. “We sacrificed things for the band and we only ever had each other. We had good times, good laughs, cries and fights. We, of course, had our fans who’ve done so much. Together, we were always so strong and understood one another, until recently…”

“What do you mean?” His therapist inquired, but Taehyung stayed silent and stoic. Though the professional attempted his best to let Taehyung open gradually, there was still a concrete wall up. That also led Taehyung into spacing out and ignoring anything Dr. Im said. But that didn’t mean he didn’t understand his non-verbal communications. He knew that Taehyung would eventually talk about it, but as of right now, it was too much for him.

So Dr. Im simply hummed and nodded before saying, “It’s okay to not say anything about that. Whenever you’re ready.”

Taehyung peered at the profession, mentally applauding how well he was with him. If Taehyung was in his shoes, he’d slap himself.

“However, I hope you don’t mind talking more so about your happiness.” When Taehyung didn’t protest and shrugged, it was a good sign to continue. “So the happiness by yourself? How is that?”

“Again, I’m not happy, or I don’t feel it at all. I never thought about it until now actually.” The idol reiterated.

“How long have you felt that way?”

Taehyung blew his cheeks out as his breath came out of his drying lips. “Probably years...maybe even the whole time since debut.”

“That’s a long time to not feel happy. How is happiness, is it important to you?” Dr. Im pointed out.

“I guess, yeah…I mean look at where I am. Fucking emotions always changing and ruining my life.”

“Emotions are never changing, you know.” His therapist explained. “But how you use it can. How were you able to cope?”

“Well, we were more restricted in the beginning since we were rookies and I used to hide it well with all the bullshit I did.” The idol responded thoroughly. “I guess over time, it got worse and I couldn’t take it anymore hence all the scandals. So yeah, I’m not happy. Life is just there. I’m just here.”

“So, when was the last time you felt happy?” His therapist questioned, sparking a new discussion up.

“Uhhh, I’m guessing before debut, the group, fans? If it’s been years.”

“So imagine the last time you felt it, and I want you to describe to me what your happiness is. What are the thoughts that came up, the emotions?” Dr. Im sought it out in hopes that it could unlock a new memory about his past.

“That sounds pretty loaded…” Taehyung tilted his head as he stared at the window.

Soft tangerine brightness leaked through the reflection. The sun settled down as he was the last client of the day, mainly due to his schedule. It was also perfect so that other clients wouldn’t be sitting and waiting and suddenly looking up to find the V of BTS coming out of his therapy session. He knew for sure that it would spread like wildfire. He wasn’t ashamed, but it was somewhat taboo, and people could warp the story to make it worse.

“Let me reword it.” Dr. Im suggested. “Before the group, before the fans, before you were V, you were simply Kim Taehyung so what was your happiness as Kim Taehyung?”

“Wow, you’re bringing me way back.” Taehyung chuckled lightly, glancing at the man nodding and waiting patiently.

The idol pondered on the question. What was his happiness as just Taehyung? Taehyung mentioned his happiness in previous sessions, but this was the first time it was discussed. Only because it has been a while since Taehyung looked at his past before BTS and as an idol. BTS and being an idol was his life. He didn’t realize that the last time he was happy went way back. It was likely when he lived in Geochang, his childhood days before leaving and going to Seoul to train. It seemed so long ago, being in his mid to late twenties, that it was all blur.

There was his family and school friends, school days, specifically recess and lunch, the farm, the countryside, and the distinct street food you could only get there. God, it felt like a fable. His life went from low-income farmer boy to this international pop star, the whole rags to riches spiel. But these memories didn’t feel real, almost make-believe, maybe even nonexistent. His mind couldn’t replay those memories right now, feeling too shy to reveal it all to his trusting therapist that all the people and their faces were erased.

Well, not all faces.

He remembered one face as clear as day, but he knew that face would forever be a lost longing memory.

-

It was like everyone Taehyung knew had the sixth sense of knowing when he finished his session because calls and messages bombarded his phone. The tones bounced off his eardrums, grimacing at who was raiding the device.

Sure, his group chats with the members and his friends separately. The name of his sweet, sweet girlfriend popped on the screen with texts asking “how are you” or “let me know when you get home so I could cook dinner <3.” Anyone in the world would think these gestures were supportive and caring as a girlfriend should to their partner, but now, Taehyung did not want to deal with her and eventually ignored it, putting his phone on vibrate. He thanked his therapist before leaving the office and heading down to the elevators. 

As he entered the platform, his phone vibrated continuously. He groaned and rolled his eyes, thinking it was her again. But lo and behold, it was his best friend, Park Jimin. Though hesitant, Taehyung accepted the call and answered.

“Hello,” The idol greeted monotonously.

“Why, hello, my lovely giggling bear!” Jimin’s voice sounded too ecstatic for his best friend’s liking, but he didn’t comment on it as it was usually like him. “And how was your time in therapy?”

“You know you don’t have to call after every session I attend.” Taehyung commented when he stepped out of the elevator and then the building. “You’re only gonna get the same answer—less shitty than before.” He spotted one of his company cars waiting in the parking lot and walked towards it.

“I’m just worried about you. You should know that.” Jimin huffed, and Taehyung could almost see the pout evident on his best friend’s face. “Better me than Yoongi Hyung or Namjoon Hyung.”

The mentioning of their names puts a frown on him. He knew that though supportive of his path to improvement and soul searching, the way they spoke to him felt somewhat demeaning and scolding him for every little thing. Do this, not that. You should have stopped yourself before the mess gets bigger. Why are you doing that when you clearly know you shouldn’t do that? I think this is best for you. Blah, blah, blah.

Though he didn’t mention it with Dr. Im, right before everyone split to do their own thing, Taehyung fought with his hyungs, leading to Taehyung walking out of the company building frustrated and getting wasted until the following morning and not talking to them for almost two weeks. Things were said, insults were exchanged; it didn’t matter if they were right or wrong. Taehyung didn’t want to hear what’s been repeated countless times.

“I also miss you. It’s been a while since I’ve seen you.”Jimin announced, hoping to lighten the mood. “When I call, I wanna know how’s life for you.”

“I appreciate the gesture, but Jimin, I’m fine. You don’t need to worry about me.” Taehyung replied as he rubbed his tired eyes.

“I know you’re not fine, Tae. That’s why I’m worried.”

The idol sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose to calm himself. “Anyways, how’s your family? How’s Busan?” He wanted to switch the discussion over to Jimin, hoping he would get the notion that Taehyung didn’t want to talk about that.

Jimin paused and respired, understanding what he was doing, so he gave in and updated his best friend on his life. While Jimin was talking and he traveled through the city to go home, Taehyung’s mind wandered off, thinking back about his session. What popped into his mind was not spoken, but he explained that those memories were gone as those in it were gone, his environment changed, and the hold on his attachment was slowly loosening.

But then, his therapist said something that got him thinking.

“It’s a pain to not be able to have those things right now, especially when you know they made you happy. But having those memories are key to unlocking more ways of potential bringing yourself closer to your own happiness. Putting words into action.” Dr. Im responded, writing down more scribbles in his book yet staring at Taehyung. “You’ll know the types of people you want, you know where you should be, and understand how much you want it.”

Taehyung understood his therapist, giving him some hope but not as much as the professional intended. “You mentioned people, the types of people I wanted.” Dr. Im hummed. “What if it’s not the type of people, but just…the people?”

“What do you mean, Taehyung?”

Taehyung scratched the back of his head, gradually feeling his nerves tingling. He tried laughing it off as the man before he stared attentively. “It wasn’t the types of people I was with, but the people I was with. Actually, a person, specifically.”

“Are you willing to talk about this person?”

His therapist had no clue what or who he was talking about, but it brought out many mixed thoughts and emotions. The reference to it sent an aching twist in Taehyung’s heart. He didn’t like the feeling. It only reminded him that it was over and nothing had been the best since.

“Not, right now. No.”

-

Taehyung went into his house, located at the edge of the city, to avoid any disturbances yet be within the vicinity of his work. After a sasaeng threat, he moved out of his luxurious condo in the heart of Seoul and found a comfortable and lovely two-story house in a quiet yet secured neighborhood. It helped with his living situation, but not necessarily his life.

As he closed the front door, he heard feet padding down the hallway and a soft voice speaking whimsically, “You’re home!” Skinny limbs wrapped around his torso, making him tense up, but he ultimately eased himself to the touch.

He pushed out a grin and wrapped an arm around her, kissing the crown of her head. “Hi, babe.” She raised her head with her sparkling almond eyes, smiling only for and at the sight of her boyfriend returning home. He stared back and nodded, biting the inside of his mouth.

There she was—in her raw and glorified self—Na Clara, his girlfriend of five years. Clara came from an affluent family, the Na Group conglomerate, which became a stakeholder for Big Hit back in 2016. That was where the two met—at a stakeholder’s event as Clara was there for her family and Taehyung was there as part of the band to show respect and gratuity for the support the Na family has given. That very night was where everyone said, “Tae and Clara hit it off so well.” 

As the rise of Big Hit increased, the CEO at that time, Bang Sihyuk, and Na Seong-jin, Clara’s father, made a mutual agreement to part ways but still own part of the stocks. But the departure didn’t stop the blossoming relationship between the two. After countless flirting and dates, the two made it officially the following year and have been together ever since. They got Yeontan together and moved in with one another, so Clara left her family home to stay with her boyfriend.

Of course, due to Taehyung’s idol status, they agreed to keep their relationship a secret. Clara was indeed a socialite but also had an image to maintain for the sake of her family. Still, it wasn’t as harsh to keep up as Taehyung’s. The company insisted on annual NDA renewal contracts to ensure the idol’s safety. There were no disagreements as Clara happily signed the papers because, in her words, “As long as I have my Tae, then I’m happy.”

Clara was kind and caring, even to the members and others around her, and it was easy to gain the support of their relationship. She was also a philanthropist and animal lover, donating to charities and helping rescue endangered species. She was a real golden goddess, the visual of South Korea. Her shining long, ebony locks, pale glassy skin, glittering eyes, a body many women referenced for surgery, and a heart that melted and attracted many citizens. Men wanted her. Women wanted to be her. But she didn’t care about any of that.

Because Kim Taehyung had her heart and only looked his way.

Those who did know deemed their relationship as perfect in every way. Perfect connection, perfect communication, perfect attraction, perfect visuals, perfect, perfect, perfect.

But it was anything but.

“How was therapy?” She asked as she lets go of him to run back towards the kitchen. Taehyung took his shoes off before dragging his feet to follow his girlfriend. He rolled his eyes at the same old question everyone’s been asking him, and Clara wasn’t any different.

“Less shitty than before.” He mumbled loud enough for her to hear. Then softer taps to the floor amplified before a sharp squeaking bark of fluff came towards Taehyung. He crouched down to carry his pet before standing back on his feet.

“You know you should try to be a bit more enthusiastic about this.” She said as she stirred some kind of soup. Taehyung glanced over at the pot and scowled when he caught a waft of it.

“But I’m not.” He shrugged, caressing Yeontan in his arms.

“Tae, do you even try?” With an annoyed face, she looked up to her unbothered boyfriend.

“Yes, I try. But I don’t know. There’s some shit I’m not ready to talk about.”

“Therapy is supposed to help you open up.” She started out the obvious, which made Taehyung roll his eyes. “If not with your therapist, then with me or the boys.”

“You guys won’t understand if I told you.” He scoffed after settling his dog down. Clara tried to grab him next, but the Pomeranian ran away to his kettle. “You would think I’m psychopath with all my fucked up thoughts and behaviors.”

“Tae, stop calling yourself that! I don’t like it when you say those things.” She scolded as she turned off the stove.

“What, I thought you loved my weird expressions.” He cocked an eyebrow as he sat on the counter table stool. An outsider would look at them and assume that he was only teasing, but in actuality, he was pushing her temper.

“Not when you say shit like that!” Clara shook her head before sighing. “You’re not psychopath, I never thought of you like that.”

“Bet you thought a lot of things of me.” 

Ignoring his insufferable commentary, she said sincerely, “This is to help you understand yourself better, and understand we’re here to support you. You know…”

He didn’t even bother listening to her as his messages went off. His group chat, Wooga Squad, had all his hyungs, and they discussed late-night eating plans. Taehyung checked the time, and it was already close to eight on a Tuesday night. Nightlife wasn’t as busy compared to the weekends, so it was possible that Taehyung could hang out with them too.

“Tae! Are you even listening to me?” Clara shouted, snapping her fingers in front of his face and then shaking his shoulder.

The idol blinked rapidly, almost tunneling his vision with the phone conversation. It was a tendency he did as well as spacing out. “What?”

“Ugh, I hate when you do that.” The socialite sneered. “I was just talking to you too.”

“Can you chill? What you were saying wasn’t even that important. Jimin even said the same damn thing.” Taehyung snapped as he typed his reservation for the Wooga outing.

“Who are you texting?” Clara’s eyes attempted to leer at his phone, but she was a little too far, and it was angled in a way she couldn’t see anything.

Taehyung rolled his eyes heavily at her implicit interrogation. “It’s Seojoon Hyung. They wanted to have dinner outside in like an hour.”

“Tae, I’m already done making our dinner.” She pouted as she pushed the pot in his direction. “I made kimchi jjigae.”

“Oh, that’s what it is.” Taehyung gasped sarcastically. “Yeah, I still don’t want it.”

“Hey, I’m trying to cook more, okay?” Clara frowned. With her socialite status, Clara was attended to and pampered by maids and butlers from the day she was born. Ever since she moved in with Taehyung three years ago, she had to learn how to cook and clean without any help. Taehyung had to help her at some points, and he wasn’t the best either. Actual cooking wasn’t done until a couple of months ago as the food was always take-out. But when the idol mentioned how much he missed home-cooked meals in this therapy, Clara tried her best to learn some dishes.

“You are.” He agreed as he stood up, heading towards the door. “But I’m going.”

“Don’t you want to spend time with me?” The socialite followed Taehyung like Yeontan would. She watched him put on his shoes. “I’ve missed you the whole day.”

Taehyung exhaled before standing up straight, “I guess I can spend time with you tomorrow. I have somewhat of a free day. We’ll have breakfast together.” He kissed her head and patted her hair. He held her face in his hands. “But we’ll order in.”

Her pout shifted into a suppressing smile as she pulled his hands off her. She tugged his arms to encircle her waist, then wrapped her arms around his nape. “We better.” She tiptoed to peck his lips, transmitting shivers down his spine with mixed feelings. “I love you.”

“Love you too.”

It was at the ringing of his phone that rescued him off of his girlfriend to take the call. He quickly bid farewell to Clara, who waved hopelessly before he closed the door behind him.

He answered, “Hyung! What’s up?”

“Tae, are you home?” Seojoon exclaimed through the speakers.

“I was, but I’m leaving now.”

“Stay there, Wooshik and I will be there in ten minutes. We’re dropping off Joohyuk home, said he’s got a family birthday to attend.”

There has been a somewhat unofficial addition to the group—Nam Joohyuk. Some may have seen him from Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok-Joo, Start-Up, or Twenty-Five Twenty-One. He has been slowly breaking the acting industry and stealing the hearts of fans worldwide, in addition to his modeling career. The group met him through Seojoon and eventually made his way into Wooga, coming to outings and trips.

However, Taehyung was weary of him. Sure, Joohyuk was pleasant and respectful towards the others and met the group’s criteria of being “too handsome,” but it was a bit off. Still, his hyungs loved spending time with him, and it can be assumed that Taehyung could be civil.

But he also kept his distance from him.

A sour face morphed onto the idol’s face, but his voice was poisonously friendly when he responded, “Aw, Hyung isn’t coming?”

“He said he’ll come next time, but not this time.”

“Yeah, unfortunate…” Taehyung rolled his eyes. “But yeah, I’ll wait for you.”

-

Walking through empty streets would seem eerie and dangerous, but it was basically heaven in Taehyung’s eyes. Wooshik suggested a place his cousin told him about, but he never looked it up until the group went. When Seojoon parked the car behind a nearby lot and got out, they realized it was completely barren.

They found out they were in a rundown part of Seoul where it was sketchy as fuck. Streetlights flickered, stray animals running, and a few individuals here and there, but they weren’t as approachable. They concluded that they were either a sex worker, a drug dealer, or someone interested in obtaining either or both. That was the one of the only reasons for anyone to be there, but it wasn’t the group’s reason.

“Wooshik, what the fuck is this place?” Seojoon scowled as they walked down the pavement. Eyes were on them, but it wasn’t the typical staring of celebrities. It was more so the eyes trying to hunt prey or wondering why the individual who clearly doesn’t fit in would come to an atypical location.

“Hyung, calm down.” Wooshik checked the maps to ensure they were going in the right direction. “It’s only the path. After that, there’ll be more activity and running places.”

“I just hope it’s not the same place as these watchers stay in.” The eldest of the bunch hoped. Let’s just say many of the sex workers had googly eyes with him the most. Worship was too busy navigating, and Taehyung felt somewhat relieved.

The idol didn’t need to hide his face or get recorded in this part of the city. Though it was a bit high-risk, there was a perk for him. Of course, he was still in constant fear of getting caught but mentally reassured himself. 

All he wanted to do was get away from all these problems, but it seemed to keep following him no matter where he went. He fucked up all that time ago, leading him to where he was: sad, enraged, and nervous. He really had no hope in things and went on dragging with what little life he had in him.

To Seojoon’s relief, they reached a pretty lit area. There were convenience stores, bars, low-rated clubs, and a small community. Most people walking and passing by were elderly, but it was safe enough.

“Jesus, this restaurant better be worth it after passing by mini Hell.” Seojoon breathed out with ease.

“You’re literally the tallest, strongest, and eldest among us.” Wooshik bluntly scoffed. “Be tough like a leopard.”

“So what? You know what can kill leopards? Lions! And you know what can kill Lions? Hyenas!” Seojoon countered at his younger. “We were surrounded by hyenas, Wooshik.”

Taehyung was grateful for his friends. Yes, he loved his members to death, but something about his friend group gave him solace, especially in these rough times. They helped him out, taking him out of the fights, limiting his alcohol and smoking, and keeping various eyes on their surroundings. This time was one of them, despite the high severity of it.

“We’re here!” Wooshik disregarded his rant, presenting the restaurant. It was small and rundown, having an entrance made by a bright blue tarp. Trash cans were filled to the brim with waste and other junk inside. Taehyung could have sworn a rat passed by. There were graffiti markings on the side, but it was still the cleanest everywhere.

Out of nowhere, two clearly-drunk large-set men stumbled out of the cloth holding onto one another. They exchanged rambling and laughing so loudly to make the bunch flinch. But out came a gentle-looking old grandmother, ensuring they were leaving safely.

“You two get home safe, okay? I called a cab for you. They’re coming soon.” The lady smiled and patted their back.

“Ohhhh, Halmeoni! Thank you so much!” One of them managed to say. “Always taking care!”

“Of course, for my loyal customers!” She laughed joyfully as she was about to go back inside, but the three extremely handsome men in front of her caught her very eyes. “Oh, welcome! Welcome to DanDan! Please come in!” She lifted the tarp open for them to enter first.

Though they were hesitant, they warmed up to her kind aura, thus going inside the restaurant. Their eyes scanned the place. It was utterly different from the outside. It held a cozier and comforting atmosphere, more intimate as compared to traditional restaurants in Seoul. It had a “family-owned” vibe, despite the customers being middle-aged men or elderly couples enjoying a night out. A male server came out from the back and handed plates, followed by busing the tables and wiping them down. Potted plants surrounded the corner, a TV in the middle, and the succulent aroma of food touched their noses.

“I’ve never seen handsome gentlemen before!” She cheered. Judging by her sentence, she knew nothing about who they were, which was a good sign.

“Oh, Halmeoni! I had a cousin come here and said your yukgaejang was out of this world!” Wooshik complimented, to which the old lady clapped in glee.

“Ahh, he’s too kind. Come, come, sit wherever you want.” She motioned towards the vacant seats. As they settled down, she handed them menus before walking away. They engaged in the list of foods to even realize she was gone.

She headed towards the back kitchen, squealing like a school girl, where she found her husband cooking and one of the only two servers fixing the plates. She eyed the particular worker before she called out their name.

“___!” Your boss whispered loudly in hopes the men didn’t hear from outside.

“Yes, Halmeoni?” You smiled, looking up from the orders that were ready to go.

“Sweetie, there’s a couple of guys out there.” She grinned, hinting at you to serve them.

You squinted your eyes at her and scrunched your nose at the thought, “Please, no more. I know you mean well, but I don’t want to talk to some creep. The last man turned out to be a scum.”

“And my apologies for that. But, this time is serious!” Your boss voiced out. “They’re super handsome, like a mother’s dream son-in-law!”

“Are you talking about me?” Your fellow coworker, Kenji, who was three years younger than you and the actual grandson of your bosses, stepped into the backroom and the conversation without permission.

“She said mother’s dream son-in-law, not Quasimodo’s twin.” You retorted, to which he stuck his tongue out to you.

“Nice one, ___!” Harabeoji laughed at his grandson.

“Kenny, please tell ___ about the handsome men out there.” Though it was bothersome at times that Halmeoni was being persistent, you enjoyed it. It reminded you of how your grandmother was to you.

“Oh, yeah. They’re super hot.” Your coworker joined in on the persuasion. “But you’re probably not their type, maybe even bottom tier that it’s last resort kind of thing.” Meanwhile, Kenji was the irritated brother you never wanted.

“First of all, that was rude, and it’s the reason why you’re still single, and second, whether they’re handsome or hot or not, I’m not looking.” You reasoned, putting up a feigned smile. 

“So what, you’re gonna die alone?” Kenji snorted, to which he received glaring eyes from you and his grandmother. He quickly shut his mouth and muttered an apology.

“It’s complicated, okay? I’m just trying to work and earn money.” You said before lifting your tray.

“Just have a look, kinda like window shop.” Halmeoni insinuated before concluding her suggestion. You sighed, giving in to making her happy, so you nodded before leaving the kitchen.

Meanwhile, the bunch wanted to order a whole receipt of the appetizing dishes, completely in awe of the prices and how good they sounded. The range of soups, meats, sides, and drinks was all too alluring.

“Looking at all of this made me hungry. I’m ready to order.” Wooshik bounced in his chair before putting the menu down. “Tae, you good enough to eat a lot?”

“Yeah, yeah.” The youngest one simply said. Though he looked at the dishes, his mind was preoccupied with everything. He thought the food would cheer him up, but it still didn’t meet his expectations.

“Don’t think about it right now. Just have some dinner with your lovely hyungs, and if you want to drink, we’ll buy some.” Seojoon proposed as he smiled reassuringly at the idol. “Also, dinner is on Wooshik.”

Worship was about to protest, but the eldest used his power card to make him shut up. “Yeah, it’s on me.”

During their conversation, you came out with the heavy trey and yelled, “Coming through!” You carefully paced towards another table and laid the food before dispersing it to the customers. All without knowing, you passed by him. 

“I’m going to the bathroom!” Taehyung announced as he stood up. The youngest had his back facing the kitchen and passageway. “Do you know where it is?”

“I think it’s just right down the hallway over there.” Seojoon pointed, making Taehyung turn his head in the direction and find the signs leading to the bathroom. All without knowing he passed by you.

“Cute waitress.” Wooshik nudged Seojoon as he caught sight of you.

Seojoon peered towards you, smiling at the elderly couple you were serving, “Looks young though, but agreed, she’s cute.” It was easier for them to spot you as they had a view of the back.

“Let’s get her attention.” Wooshik prompted before raising his hand and hollered, “Excuse me, Miss! We’d like to order.” Once you gave that table’s food, your eyes sought for your following table to attend to until you saw a hand held up. Your eyes widened at your discovery.

Not only were they attractive, but you knew who they were. Park Seojoon and Choi Wooshik were big-time actors in the country and potentially the world. Also, as an avid drama junkie who watched every drama and movie they were in, you could say you were a fan.

But obviously, you hid the fan in you away. As of now, they were somehow customers of the family-owned restaurant in a dangerous part of the city. You were good at hiding your emotions, which was fairly easy when you walked toward them with your customer service smile and gentle approach.

“Hi, welcome to DanDan. I’m ___. I’ll be serving you today.” You greeted to their liking, and you knew this because they smiled so beautifully back. “What can I get for you?” As they ordered, you wrote it down in detail as some orders were modified. They wanted dishes that weren’t spicy, no added coconut shavings, and no lemon on one. It was very particular, but you went with it. You’ve experienced picky eaters in the past, as a waitress and in life in general. 

You repeated their order, just in case you misheard, but they agreed to all. “Oh, before I forget, any drinks besides two cups of water?”

“Can we get three bottles of soju, and one coke.” Wooshik asked politely. “Oh, also three cups of water. Our other friend is in the bathroom right now.”

Hmm, another friend, they say. You wondered who it may be, Hyungsik? You knew some actors were friends with them, so it could be. You didn’t want to get your hopes high, but you couldn’t help but think if the other guy exceeded your expectations. 

You nodded mindlessly, “Okay, got your orders. I will be back with your drinks.” You turned your back as you walked towards the kitchen but stopped when Kenji came out with no task.

“Oh my God, Ken. Those men!” You whispered at your coworker so no one would hear. “Do you know who they are?”

“No? Am I supposed to know?” He denied it, taking a glimpse of the men talking to one another.

“That’s Park Seojoon and Choi Wooshik!” You beamed.

“Oh my God,” Kenji gasped. “I still don’t give a fuck.” Your mouth dropped as you scorned him.

Taehyung finally left the bathroom, walking down the hallway. While he did his business, he also thought about his happiness. The topic seemed to be under the spotlight in his brain, wanting to be recognized. He wanted happiness, like, who doesn’t? He loved when he was happy. Everything felt safe, comforting, and relaxing in his life. But it felt physically and mentally impossible for him now when those memories of when he was happy had a person in them, a specific person. Someone who truly made him feel alive and shined hope into his life.

But alas, she was no more after events that were too shameful for his liking.

All these thoughts weren’t getting him anywhere. Maybe he should give up on therapy. It was all Clara’s idea, and he just went with it to stop her pestering. It had its pros and cons, but he doesn’t know where he stood with it but him going was something? Like what was said, there was now no hope, and life dragged him. Walls seemed to cave in on him, testing how far he could go.

Then he paused at the end of the passageway with dilated pupils.

He felt his body freeze up, unable to take control of his limbs. His breath stopped for a second to gaze. His growling stomach rumbled with his anxiousness. He had to blink twice to see if it wasn’t his imagination. 

It couldn’t be; this was impossible; there was no way. The disbelief was vivid on his face but slowly made his jaw drop in shock as he processed the reality of it all. The door of lost longing memories opened with a flood as it crashed into his mind. Years of joy washed before his very eyes, years of hope sparked his nerves, years of happiness flashed on his face, and the years of the childhood friend he once had were right in front of him back after almost a decade apart.

“___?”

Tagged: @manuosorioh @kaal-ee

[korpuskat]

For gunk-ice-tea’s RaMayttra prompts, Day 30: Balance. Pairing: Ramattra/Reader Rating: PG WC: 848 Warnings: None

"What is it?" You ask, half-motioning to his staff.

When he had first laid eyes on the orb, Ramattra could barely speak. A moment of awe- of fury. He had crossed continents, walked most of it alone, only occasionally the rare few of his kind of who had managed to integrate into human society quickly giving him assistance. He had come so far for answers. To be greeted by serene omnics offering him a mediation tool was a harsh slap. How could this be what he needed- what all omnics needed?

"It's a Shamabli meditation orb." He replies, then corrects himself: "It was."

It took weeks for him to relax among his own brethren. Took even longer for him to realize that his silent walks around the monastery at midnight were not a result of his extended wake cycle. On each circle of the stone-walled perimeter, Ramattra's orb refused to do more than flicker its lights. That was fine, because he was too busy scanning the freezing mountain for any heat signatures.

"Was?" You stare at the purple-striped thing. With a tip of his head, the orb floats out of the crook of his staff, settling between you. "Oh," you murmur, leaning in close to watch the tiny pyramids circle in waves.

It had begun floating on its own. He had dismissed his optics array while meditating- a feeble attempt to acquiesce to Mondatta's recommendation to disable or suspend his combat programs. He could not disentangle many aspects of his HUD from raw optic feed, so the only option was to turn it off entirely. That was fine; they were miles away from any human interference. And for once, Ramattra mediated without running checks. When he had re-engaged them, the orb had finally taken on its intended life, glowing a soft gold and spinning slowly.

That was the trick; Ramattra could not make it float, could not force it to bend to his will, to obey his commands. He could pry into its inner workings, but he knew all too well that would defeat the purpose. No, the orb was intended to run on the very background processes that were difficult for Ramattra to access himself, to be a visual, physical representation of his own state.

You catch one of the pyramids between your thumb and forefinger. The rest that circle the orb shift, fill in the space. It's tiny, pointy where it digs into the pad of your thumb, solid when you press on it. One side glows a soft purple, the same hue as the orb itself, as the line of light inside the staff's crook. With a lift of his fingers, the pyramid dissolves.

"What...?" You blink, stare down at your open, empty palm. With another movement, a dust cloud settles over your hand, then manifests, compresses into the same pyramid. "Nanites?"

Ramattra hums.

He doesn't really remember why he took the design. He knows how he got it. A new arrival had nearly entirely overloaded when her orb refused to sync with them anymore- had almost overloaded again when presented with a new one that they could successfully link with. Ramattra was the best engineer at the monastery, of course he had offered to investigate the faulty device. Any chance to crack one open and pick it apart from the inside. It was as much a self-satisfying investigation as a genuine service to his brethren.

He'd improved their designs within a week and quietly kept the blueprint tucked into his memory banks. Just in case.

He didn't know, exactly, what that had meant yet. Ramattra knew by then that despite his hours, years of self-reflection, of looking out into the universe, of pondering his very own existence and life, that there was something not right. Something here wasn't working. Every time he had to venture down into the town below the monastery for parts and cloth, he felt it in the world. In the very shadow of this omnic safe haven, he saw the fear and hatred in human eyes.

"The Shambali use them to heighten self-awareness, to regulate intense emotions. It's a symbol of internal, spiritual balance to control them." He says, and summons the orb closer to himself. "They can be difficult to control when affected by powerful discord."

"But you altered it?"

The orb settles into his palm. He turns his hand, inspecting the smooth, dark surface. "Yes," He says, "I call it a void accelerator. The orb acts as a magnet accelerator, propelling projectiles where I desire."

"Does it still help you?" You study down at the tiny pyramid still in your grasp. Ramattra's faceplate lifts, stares blankly at you. When you meet his gaze, you rephrase. "You said it regulated intense emotions, that you would meditate with it. Does it still work like that?"

The orb floats before him, pulls the missing piece from your hand. They dance around the orb in slow waves, spinning individually as they go. Ramattra hums, resettles himself. "Yes, in a way."

In the background, he scans the outside of the compound for movement.

[chaifootsteps]

it’s made the stream really uncomfortable and awkward when theres a huge elephant in the room that never got addressed

Oh 100%. Absolutely. I tried to watch the stream 3 separate times and couldn't make it past 2 minutes. I was so damn uncomfortable trying to watch. My eyes kept glancing over to V*v 😭 She really shouldn't have been there. Just bite the bullet and let her and her cult bitch about her not being on the call

Maybe it's just my memory being faulty, but I used to watch a fair amount of streams of her when I was into Hazbin and I don't remember her ever being that weirdly frantic.

[lilywily143]

3rd Live-Blog: Ep 5 of Murder Drones!

Spoilers under the cut

hhhhh I'm so scared

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE INTRO IM ALREADLY SO NERVUOS I have the bubbles in my chest dont like

This has to be the tape N found last episode...

Gosh idk what to say yet, sounds like a average tape for the drones?? I'm so scared

No it's talking about disassembling drones :[

The "base form" looks of the drones in the tape are making me giggle

Fun x1? hhhh i dont wanna know

IS THAT IRL FOOTAGE?!

wait,.... it this a faulty look for the AS symbol

RAHHH Out of the tape and crow? there's a crow now

hhhh so many drone bodies

we zoomed on one, don't tell me it's that 4th DD

IS THAT A BULLET HOLE IN THE VISOR?

Oh no they're trapped :[ also it ain't Tessa Jr

hhh that place from ep 2

Restricted Sign with claw marks..

Oh! The teaser drones! they are all flashing the DD symbol

NAWWWW IT'S N!!! He's reading a doggy book awwwww

hhhh J stop being mean. She draws well!

oh N just threw that drawing into a pile of other drawings. Probably also J's

"Naww That's why they're good with kids." N you are presious

oh no a teaser drone

book "Danger"?

A LOT of books are falling

"ENTER" "The Spooky Basement" uh oh

The trapdoor is openeing I didn;t see that before!

N just peaced out!!! LITERALLY HE PEACE SIGNED AND WALKED AWAY!!! UGH I LOVE HIM

A bug!!

"Stab"? THATS THE SOLVER VOICE

"Big brother N"? What??

HBUHUGVUBHHUVGHBJL THE VOICE WAS THE FOURTH DRONE WHAT?!?!?! ANd ugH it was the edritch form for a moment RAHHH

Naww they are acting so sweet thou

HHHH "Climing! CrissCross Apple Sauce!" Stop being cute you monster! This drone has some wiggly movement, she's kinda limp

hhhhhh gross gross blood blood not oil

"Basement now!!! Stop ignoring me!!"? oh nooo

N just keeps ignoring, which is good. Be safe

HHHHH THe drone made her visor get a puppy on it for "Puppy Eyes" jngfakndv

Why are you so creepy and why is N always so cute?!

"Movie Niiightt!" N you sweetie

"sheepish nod" STOP BEING CUTE 4TH DRONE

They are staying close and safe with each other, I'm so nervous

Naww she just keeps saying "Shuffle"

Her head is just so limp? She tried to put it back up but it didn't work...

OOOOO I LOVE TESSA She looks pretty even as the silohete

JJJJJJJ

Naww J and Tessa

Wait why did Tessa blinks sound like a clink of glass?

What is in the reflaction of those wine glasses?

NO DON'T BE SAD J She's worried about Tessa! I knew I'd like J even more

Tessa is such a sweet child She got so happy seeing N that she broke a glass

WHAT THE FUCK?! "when u about 2 frickken die speak aloud ID" WHO IS LOOKING INTO THE FUTURE AND SCARING N?!?!

NO Tessa don't hate the 4th drone

"Seems J forgot to let me out of my basement time out agian"? WHY WERE YOU THERE?!

"Annoyed expression" 4th drone oh you sweetie

NO N is sad 4th was locked up :[[[[

"Tessa James Elliot" Long name

"Dumpster pits"? THE DRONES ARE NOT TRASH >:[

noooo this mom sucks

WAIT SHE THREATHED J AND N THEY LOOK SO SCARED NOO

4th please help out, don't get hurt

N DON'T TRY TO HELP HER NOW YOU"LL GET HURT

N NO COME ON

hhhhhhh oh thank god he's not being devorued, he's getting tickled by crows! Naww

He has a sweet laugh

He calls things goobers LIKE RON!!! YEAH I LOVE THAT

Why did the crows get green eyes???

NO NOW THEY HURT HIM?!?!

He said the ID!

bhaobdvefjn WHAT THE!? THE SOLVER SYMBOL!!!

woah robot crow..oooooo the thumbnail one!

FUCK WAIT THAT SOUNDS LIKE UZI WHAT?!?!?! of course it was something goofy she says

TESSA IS CHAINED UP NOOOO

hhhh J really doesn't want to upset the corprate... Also she's on a rocking horse ^-^

4TH IS CYN!!!!

She's tearing apart dolls. Wow she loves that solver

HHHHH ELDRITCH CYN

Gah J and Tessa are mortified

wait what...? N is in his past body relieving this stuff?!?!?!

"You cute weird weird butler" This has to be Uzi helping out

YEAH SAVE HIS MEMORIES!!

evil ghost witch HAH

PRESENT!!!!!! Oh gosh V is here to

okay so Uzi is hacking them to get memories and important information and Khan interupted XD

"NOT A SLEEPOVER" "It's life or death." THat bug and Uzi are epic

HBSJNLVSHBIFDSJVN WHAT WHAT WHAT DEAD DRONE!!! LOOKS LIKE DD"S WHATUHJSDFBLK BLOOD BLOOD

Nooo N wants to leave the memories....

What kinda red vines are all over the walls......?

Wait... ohhhhhh It is just past N with Uzi helping him??? idkkkk

NO IS THAT V?!?! I SAW HER GLASSES

help her N please... YOU PUSHED HER OUT OF THE WAY?!

noooo J has the key they need...

oh no V V V V WHAT?!

EYE EYE EYE IN HAND

oh gosh back to J and Tessa. J IS HELPING TESSA... by chomping her chain...

GO J!!

They sneaking!

" It's a revolver IDK (shut up, gun nerds)" Oh that's funny

A nice gun for J~

and a sword for Tessa!

oop they swapped

FUCK NO V?!?! HER GLASSES

WAIT IS V IN THE FORM UZI WAS IN LAST EPISODE?!?!?

Uzi really bragged that she killed J to past J...

Oh gosh Tessa and J KNOW Cyn will kill... but poor N...

NO V

"Not creepy! Sweet!" oh N

N you dork

V's wings look silver!

YES J HELPED N!!! J I AM LOVING YOU

WHat did that guy say? It is just way too accented

"Why are you talking like that?" EXACTLY

GO N GO

Bleh bleh body horror drones...

STOP WITH THE RED VINES ALONG THE GROUND

That's a weird version of the Solver symbol...

XDDD N really called Uzi the goof name XD, fuck but he is so sad she got hurt...

N N NO

UZI YOUR BACK!! WAIT SHE"S THE ELDRITCH HORROR NOW?!?!

"and J is useless" oh no V is back

"Is V okay in the future?" "Unfortunatly" DONT SAY THAT UZI

WHAT THE HELL?!?! Was Cyn designing the DD FORMS?!?!

oh oh that's the actual past N?!?!?! HHHHHHH IT"S SO GROSS

hhhhh N stop being sweet and concerning

slkjsanwef dvnk DOLL WHAT

DOLL IN PRESENT SHES BACK WHAT?!?!??!

what she got a button eyepatch for her eye!

NO CYN"S BACK

DON'T RESET HIS MEMORIES!!!

no no no no PLEASE N

"well timed. Giggle" Cyn stop....

RAHHH THAT'S COOL [oh okay that leaked yt thumbnail put me in the wrong direction. It wasn't Tessa with claws, it was Cyn kay]

"You didn't have to-" Shot

Tessa tried again

XD Tessa keeps throwing shit at Cyn and it won't land XD

THE TEASER DRONES

NO J

"You didn't have to see this." No Tessa what happens to you here?

Fuck Cyn can't pick up her weopons XD

"Solver of the Absolute Fabric" Whahat?

NO STOP DOLL DON'T TAKE THE BUG

N IS GETTING HURT NO

"This is the only clue to what is wrong with me!" No Uzi you gave that up to save N SGHDJKVNLBNDSKV MY HEART

Khan your awesome

Past V can't help Cyn with grabbies!!!

N gave V her glasses....

N DON'T LET THIS BACKFIRE

HHH V yes she's back!!!

NO CYN DON"T HURT V

YES YES YES UZI

Naww They [N and Uzi and also N and V] are so sweet

wait V didn't want this?

Nawww V

oop wait V wants to kill for the momery looking

Doll? WHY ARE YOU SEEING PRESENT J AND TESSA?!?!?!

The bug is a key?

oh gosh everyone is here?!?!?!?

[silver-samurai]

I'm Silv, she/her, 25+. I love to annoy the hell of the TL with my OCs and sometimes I even comment posts, but I'm shy. You will see a lot of Johnny and Kerry content here. I love them, I can't do anything about that. You may also find my rants about my total inability to learn a single thing about modding, or general rants that can be ignored.

You'll also find me here: Bluesky ■ Pillowfort 🔞 (for NSFW stuff)

Blog pages: About ■ OCs ■ Tags ■ Mods

Eito "V" ■ Vika Konstance ■ Yesenia ■ Veetaniy ■ Onda ■ Dr. K40S My ships: Binary Redamancy (SilverV), Dawn of Dusk (KerryxV), Not Your Business (OCxAurore Cassel)

❌ Do NOT repost any of my OCs without permissions and credits. ❗️ I try to stay away from fandom drama as much as possible. It doesn't mean I don't give a crap about shitty situations. ❗️ Sometimes, I use the block function to take care of my space. If you find yourself blocked, do not take that personally please, we do not really know each other that much to be considered "personal". ✅ You can create fan content of my OCs as long as you credit (ff, vp, drawing practice or similar), I'm ok with collabs too. ✅ My PMs and Ask are open, even anonimously! ✅ You can tag me in OC asks and similar (and if I forget to reply, it's just my faulty memory). I usually check if someone prefers not to be tagged; should I tag you by mistake and you don't want to, please tell me!

Dividers by: @cafekitsune, @saradika, @drizztdohurtin

[chorusgirls]

𝚂𝙷𝙴 𝙷𝙴𝚁𝚂𝙴𝙻𝙵 𝙸𝚂 𝙰 𝙷𝙰𝚄𝙽𝚃𝙴𝙳 𝙷𝙾𝚄𝚂𝙴. 𝚂𝙷𝙴 𝙳𝙾𝙴𝚂 𝙽𝙾𝚃 𝙿𝙾𝚂𝚂𝙴𝚂𝚂 𝙷𝙴𝚁𝚂𝙴𝙻𝙵; 𝙷𝙴𝚁 𝙰𝙽𝙲𝙴𝚂𝚃𝙾𝚁𝚂 𝚂𝙾𝙼𝙴𝚃𝙸𝙼𝙴𝚂 𝙲𝙾𝙼𝙴 𝙰𝙽𝙳 𝙿𝙴𝙴𝚁 𝙾𝚄𝚃 𝙾𝙵 𝚃𝙷𝙴 𝚆𝙸𝙽𝙳𝙾𝚆𝚂 𝙾𝙵 𝙷𝙴𝚁 𝙴𝚈𝙴𝚂.

…  BIRTH NAME   …  anna egorova.

…  NICKNAMES   …  anya. annushka.

…  AGE   …  twenty-eight.

…  GENDER  …  demi woman.

... PRONOUNS ... she / they.

…  SEXUALITY  …  tbd.

…  CIVILIAN OCCUPATION   …  soprano at the metropolitan opera house.

…  CRIMINAL ASSOCIATION   …  none.

…  NOTABLE ATTRIBUTES   …  a mass of dark curls. faint scar over the heart.

 …  CHARACTER INSPIRATIONS   …  christine daae ( phantom of the opera ). aurora ( babylon a.d. ). lady amalthea ( the last unicorn ). bluebeard ( folktale ). evey hammond ( v for vendetta ). ofelia ( pan's labyrinth ). the wives ( mad max ). snow white ( snow white and the seven dwarves ). cecile ( dangerous liaisons ). maisie lockwood ( jurassic world ). the ingenue, apocalypse maiden and messianic archetypes.

( + ) intuitive, warm, curious, loving, protective.

( - ) delicate, unconventional, gullible, inexperienced.

trigger warnings : death, isolation, emotional manipulation, medical experimentation, surgery.

it's a miscommunication that the greatest secrets hide in the dark ⸺ the glance of a shadow is merely coincidental. it's the glare of the sun that obscures with purpose. anna egorova, a name which means nothing to no one, is hidden in a clearing in a siberian taiga. when sunlight reflects off a fresh laying of now, it nearly obscures the manor sitting within it. if you should have happened upon it, the glint off pistols would render the memory blank.

the man who owns this home, like the men who own most the hidden objects (or presume to), is a man of both power and the violence that comes with it. to his excruciating grief, neither of these medals on his lapel is enough to save the one he loves most: his child.

rather than accept his loss, the man plays god: he uses teeth (pain) and tongue (power) to bring her back. various scientists are recruited to further studies already underway in another corner of the globe and consummate them. the process of cloning.

the anna that lives, the anna you see, has taken a great many incarnations. she is the final effort. the process, even after so long and so great a pressure, is not perfect. though anna is a perfect mimicry of their original self, the body is mired by faulty science. she has what presents as congenital heart issues, a health challenge that the original self did not face.

raised in the doomed, frozen fairytale of her siberian taiga. isolated, enchanted. she knows nothing but the ring of frost around her, the wolves she paces with at the edge of the forest. their various doctors are her only companions, save the occasional visit of her dear papa. she is raised according to both nature, in the sense of the wilds, and a stern sort of nurture: not enough to be the very mirror of a dead girl, she must be the heart and voice too. pushed towards the old habits of the original child, anna is extended only so many recreational hobbies. chief among them is opera. tutors attend to her training immaculately.

during this period, their heart issues culminate. a surgeon is brought on to instill a state of the art ( rather tony stark-esque ) pacemaker. fearful of the health changes, as a preventative measure, the data for successful cloning is placed within the device. should she be decommissioned or lose their life through natural means, one should only have to hold the ever-beating heart to bring her back.

in the process, an additional chip is added. one who believes there is no place safer for classified, coveted information than the sewn-up breast of a powerful man's creature-child. secret tbd.

eight months ago they are smuggled from siberia to new york, with anna's impression that this is a measure taken to reunite her with their father while bypassing immigration.

after several months of hiding in a hole-in-the-wall apartment, the final transition is made: anna is swept into a penthouse belonging to their father, and a long-time beloved diva of the metropolitan opera house is found mysteriously deceased.

their debut, when it is made, is a smashing success. ( to quote kate atkinson: she shone with the promise of a future, a future that would surely be better than the past. it sanctified her in the eyes of the audience. if they could have kept a piece of her — a finger bone, a lock of hair, even a pom-pom — they would have. ) the audience adores her, and anna is folded into the group of leads at the met. of course, have they not loved before? have they not ripped the hem of their idols and collected enough fabric to sleep under?

headcanons.

a polyglot, largely because there was little to do in the taiga but learn and rehearse.

no talent or hand for violence, but was brought up with various tricks of wilderness survival.

it has no baring whatsoever in the stark cement of new york, but anna was an exceptional equestrian ! horsegirl fr. their stallion was also likely one of the most indulgent gift ever given to her, given the barren landscape of the world

like bluebeard's wife, she was told at the estate not to go in a certain wing of the estate, nor test certain doors.had she disobeyed and found the stored research, perhaps she might have met the same fate

connections.

PARENT — ideally a father due to below connection filling in maternal energy. current ideas include the head of red eye, a long-term mayor of nyc / politician or ceo of…. Something Big. alternatively depending on timeline or desired connection, this could change to the original anna having been their sibling -- and with the time it took to "recreate" them, there was no recourse but to now name them as child

MOTHER GOTHEL — ideally femme. must be someone in power (though what kind is flexible!). through tbd plotting they believe anna has information that is useful to them. they just don’t know it’s not in her head but her mechanical heart :) she is likely going to be besotted w them

MERC — could be red eye or otherwise. the one who smuggled her across continents and into nyc. cue montage of challenging travel across europe to usa. has come to intuit some of the importance anna has, 

SCIENTIST — responsible for the developments that brought anna into creation. aware that all the previous imperfect clones got murked :) potential for them to have taken a real shine to anna 15.0 and hid her heart issues back in the early days so there would be no chance of them getting… put out in the cold. the one telling bluebeard’s wife not 2 look behind the doors yk. 

COUNT VRONSKY - to her kitty. a romance that begins/begun with daring promise, only to be interrupted by external circumstances ( a person or otherwise !! )

SURGEON / INVENTOR OF CYBERPACEMAKER — as described. idk some genius genius. dr strange but make it cyberpunk. got flown out to that cold ass mansion and recognizes the new girl on stage but can’t say shit or they’re merked.

SECRET — could be combined w scientist, surgeon, or even phantom potentially ?? the method to cloning is found in there, locked away (convenient should this clone fail n another needs to be made……) but ideas for outside secret/info include the identities & tracking details of red eye ops, formula to xyz serums, list of government agents, the location of a weapon believed to be destroyed. the idea is its something everyone would have reasons to want to claim or destroy. will likely run the secret choice by admins to ensure its okay even tho i dont imagine her heart will actually be ripped out in game, making it just a concept but <3 but who knows

PHANTOM — composer housed at the metropolitan opera house who has taken anna as a muse. yk the whole. dark and intense w horny and religious overtones . bonus points for association w red eye and/or if they the one to kill the previous opera diva.

HISTORY — anyone who knew the old anna (original name tbd) !!!! or recognizes her

[blueiight]

Im trying to read tvc but Im struggling with qotd cause I'm finding all the conflicts to be kind of lacking stakes? Cause I'M still mad about what Armand did to Claudia but it seems like no one else cares anymore. Is this just what the series is cause they're immortal and they get over things cuz I'm not sure I wanna keep going with the series at this point? This is just my sensibilites but I feel like seeing Claudia get murdered on television is going to be a lot more painful and hard to get over.

its entirely up to u w/ how far u want to engage with the immortal universe. i personally found qotd engaging for lore purposes at the very least if nothing else.. the stakes of conflicts do escalate imo, which may be why u feel like they dont matter as much or have stakes anymore as u worded it bc theyre not concentrated to select character dynamics asin the earlier books, but multiple characters dealing w a wider conflict that may not be as easy to ascertain?.. qotd introduces the reader to the mythical origin of vampires in the ricean universe and focuses more on the figures / concepts introduced [twmbk, akasha] at the end of tvl.. i think it was the last book where rice had her editors & after , fired such, but there are some aspects of the later series i do find engaging. the reversal of power dynamics for lxl in tobt: where les begs to be lew’s fledgling and lew is more comfortable openly professing his adoration to les.. & if nothing else, u will find lestat engaging w claudia’s ghost memory in tobt, more of armand’s backstory/rationale in tva & later lew being haunted by clauds to be somewhat engaging. i think ppl who believe amc louis knows of the revelations his white cousin learned in merrick2000 wrt to claudia playing a role into why hes more generous to lestat v his scorned voice in the 70s show interview reliant on his view of lestat’s role in claudia’s death in the second interview r onto something.. i think w the idea that “vampires r created out of trauma” the show sells too suggest that they wont be shy about claudia’s death not only in terms of the actual means but also the repercussions wrt to other characters [i had another anon who asked about this <3] lestat says in qotd most of the vampires long to be human, bc being human has become a myth to [them]. some of this notion of ‘humanity’ is entangled in this idea of forgiveness, even for the most vile of acts committed against them or their close ones.. rice’s immortal universe rly present a fascinating take on what it means to be immortal, and what these creatures consider ‘forgivable’ v ‘unforgivable’ can be considered anywhere from arbitrary to extremely irrational and unforgivable otherwise even, by any decent standards. characters r allowed to be inconvenient, ugly, disturbing, and make foolish decisions. but to say lxl dont care for claudia past a certain point i cant rly agree with that fully. i dont think the tragedy of claudia’s end diminishes her arc or is any indication of ‘faulty’ writing: in fact like i said the reminiscence on claudia vs her haunting of select parts of the later books r what i think r some of its most compelling sections that i want to see the screen. the show pivots from the books in several key ways, while drawing upon them in several more. if the series during/post qotd is not ur thing, u dont rly care for the new posse of vamps , and/or u would rather wait for the later seasons of the show to see how u adapted that is perfectly fine.

[4ugury]

‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎‎‎ ‎ a private multi-muse, extremely private ! ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎‎‎ ‎ 𝚖𝚞𝚜𝚎 𝚌𝚘𝚞𝚗𝚝: 33

‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ LITERATURE, FILM, TELEVISION, VIDEO GAME.

the sun illuminates only the eyes of the man but shines into the eye and the heart of the child. — ralph waldo emerson

MUSE SPOT LIGHT : HARLEY KEENER & JESSE TURNER !

disclaimer: as this blog is labelled, i am extremely private- coming off of "do not follow first", i may return to that status though as comfort dictates ( i am not follow for follow, i follow only those i intend to write with )! also most of these muses are written from memory, and memory can be faulty, so consider a lot of these headcanon inspired & canon div.

RULES PAGE, PINTEREST, SPOTIFY.

activity warning: fluctuating day to day

CANONS.

⁍ ㅤatreus, ㅤgod of war, ㅤin game model, ㅤ15ㅤ &ㅤ all pronouns ⁍ ㅤalec, ㅤtwilight, ㅤoscar novak/nathan o'toole, ㅤ12ㅤ &ㅤ he/they *anti smeyer ⁍ ㅤben braeden, ㅤsupernatural, ㅤtyler lawrence gray, 25 & he/him ⁍ ㅤbruce wayne, ㅤgotham, ㅤdavid mazouz, ㅤ10 - 17 ㅤ& ㅤhe/him ⁍ ㅤchris halliwell, ㅤcharmed, ㅤnicholas galitzine, ㅤ21 & he/him ⁍ ㅤconnor angel, ㅤangel, ㅤlouis partridge ㅤ* heavy canon div, ㅤ16 ㅤ & ㅤ he/him ⁍ ㅤdenzel, ㅤffvii: ㅤadvent children, ㅤmovie model, ㅤ11, ㅤ& ㅤhe/him ⁍ ㅤeli hale, ㅤteen wolf: movie, ㅤvince mattis, ㅤ15 ㅤ& ㅤhe/him * anti jeff davis ⁍ ㅤgarfield logan, ㅤtitans, ㅤryan potter, ㅤ20 ㅤ&ㅤ he/him ⁍ ㅤharley keener, ㅤinsomniac's spider-man based, ㅤlucas lynggaard tønnesen, ㅤ21 ㅤ& ㅤhe/him ⁍ ㅤhenrik mikaelson, ㅤto ㅤ& ㅤtvd, ㅤlouis partridge,ㅤ 15 ㅤ&ㅤ he/him ㅤ* anti plec ⁍ ㅤhenry, ㅤthe walking dead, ㅤmatt lintz, ㅤ17 ㅤ& ㅤhe/him ㅤ * heavy ㅤcanonㅤ div ⁍ ㅤjack ryan,ㅤ bioshock, ㅤarchie renaux, ㅤ24 ㅤ& ㅤhe/him ⁍ ㅤjason todd,ㅤ titans, ㅤchristopher briney, ㅤ22 ㅤ& ㅤhe/him ⁍ ㅤjesse turner, ㅤsupernatural, ㅤherman tommeraas, ㅤ25 ㅤ& ㅤhe/him. ㅤ* canon div ⁍ ㅤjordan kent, ㅤsuperman & lois, ㅤalex garfin,ㅤ 16 ㅤ& ㅤhe/him ㅤ* s1 only ⁍ ㅤjordan li, ㅤgen v, ㅤlondon thor & derek luh, ㅤ20 ㅤ& ㅤthey/them ⁍ ㅤleland mckinney, ㅤtexas chainsaw massacre: the game, lorenzo zurzolo, ㅤ19, he/him ⁍ ㅤprompto argentum, ㅤff:xv, ㅤin game model, ㅤ21 ㅤ& ㅤhe/him ⁍ ㅤsam riordan, ㅤgen v, ㅤasa germann, ㅤ18 ㅤ& ㅤhe/him ⁍ ㅤseph mccauley, ㅤthe heir chronicles, ㅤjack champion, ㅤ18 ㅤ& ㅤhe/him ⁍ ㅤtim drake,ㅤ titans,ㅤ jay lycurgo,ㅤ 17 ㅤ& ㅤhe/him

❚❚❚❚❚❚❚❚❚ test muses: ⁍ ㅤedmund pevensie, ㅤthe chronicles of narnia, ㅤharry gilby, ㅤ19 ㅤ& ㅤhe/him ⁍ ㅤethan winters, ㅤresident evil, ㅤchris pine, ㅤ37, ㅤ& ㅤhe/him ⁍ ㅤfoster lambert, ㅤinsidious franchise, ㅤharry collett, ㅤ19 ㅤ& ㅤhe/him ⁍ ㅤpeter parker, ㅤinsomniac's spider-man, ㅤgame model, ㅤ23 ㅤ& ㅤhe/him

❚❚❚❚❚❚❚❚❚ pending muses: ⁍ matthew lynch, ㅤthe raven cycle, ㅤadrian öjvindsson ⁍ percy jackson, ㅤpjato, ㅤwalker scobell ㅤ* waiting for the show

ORIGINALS.

⁍ ㅤbasilio "basil" yslas, ㅤfalling skies, ㅤxolo maridueña : formerly harnessed, ㅤ ㅤ14 - 19 ㅤ& ㅤhe/they ⁍ ㅤbooth deering, ㅤtwilight, ㅤfinn cole : ㅤdhampir, ㅤ25 / 500+ ㅤ& ㅤhe/him ㅤ* anti smeyer ⁍ ㅤjack atlas, ㅤoriginal lore & story, ㅤnicholas galitzine : ㅤdhampir, ㅤ24 / 100+ ㅤ&ㅤ he/him ⁍ ㅤlogan mahkent, ㅤdetective comics, ㅤlevi miller : ㅤstudent, ㅤ15 - 30 ㅤ& ㅤhe/him ⁍ ㅤmatthew "mattie" gareis, ㅤmisc vampire, ㅤlorenzo zurzolo : ㅤnewborn vampire, ㅤ20 ㅤ& ㅤhe/him ⁍ ㅤmikhail ( hail ) nikolaev, ㅤthe last of us, ㅤsunny suljic : ㅤsurvivor, ㅤ10 - 15ㅤ & ㅤhe/him ㅤ* immune in some verses ⁍ ㅤnicholas "nick" grimes, ㅤthe walking dead,ㅤ colin ford : ㅤsurvivor, ㅤ12 - 25 ㅤ& ㅤhe/him, tied to :ㅤ @leftlimp\ ⁍ ㅤtheodore "theo" pruitt, ㅤhorror genre, ㅤaxel auriant : ㅤconduit of a demon, ㅤ22 ㅤ& ㅤhe/him ⁍ ㅤwaylon coin, ㅤgen v, ㅤjosh mcqueen : alloy manipulation, ㅤ20 ㅤ& ㅤhe/him ⁍ ㅤwilliam moore, ㅤbioshock 1 & 2, ㅤasa butterfield : ㅤonly successful attempt at a "little brother" of original lore, ㅤ12 ㅤ& ㅤhe/him

ALL PERCY JACKSON OCS HAVE BEEN MOVED HERE: hlfling

❚❚❚❚❚❚❚❚❚ in development : ⁍ malachi "mal" dumas, ㅤx-men, ㅤtimothee chalamet, ㅤ25 ㅤ& ㅤhe/him, ㅤplasma ㅤ& ㅤstellar manipulation.

damien, 27, he/they ! can be found at: shadowcurse & drowish

ㅤㅤㅤ affiliates : @extr4normal, @hallowburnt & @endfght

highest muse: all original characters, ben braeden & jesse turner, eli hale, henrik mikaelson, henry and seph mccauley.

[citrusreadstoa]

Reading The Hidden Oracle: Chapter 16 (SPOILERS)

For the record, I still think they're crazy for trying to do a death race in the Labyrinth. They're all crazy. Harley is evil, the Labyrinth is his accomplice, and Chiron and the campers are all enablers.

"Harley loved the attention . . . his table was piled high with offerings (read: bribes) . . . Harley would have made an excellent god . . . He took the gifts, mumbled a few pleasantries, but told his worshippers nothing helpful." Hmmm... This sounds like a good idea. If I ever write a demigods-turned-gods AU, I might add him in.

"The test group this morning ended up in Peru" Omg I forgot about that. Not only is the maze deadly, but it drops you off at random parts of the earth. Ok. Ok ok ok. This isn't going to go well but none of them care because awwww it makes Harley happy. Not that I wouldn't do exactly the same.

"No way to get them off. I hate restraints." I have a feeling this is going to come back again when we learn about her tragic backstory.

"they are from this hidden Oracle." Ayyy he said the title. Anyway, this is a pretty malicious Oracle if it's eating little kids. I think I prefer Delphi. A very carnivorous grove of trees.

"the race doesn't even go through the woods" Yeah, well this is the Labyrinth. It always changes and always changes in exactly the way that makes it as dangerous as possible. YA GONNA END UP IN THE WOODS.

"I felt the way I used to in Leto's womb just before my sister and I were born." YOU REMEMBER THAT BUT YOU CAN'T REMEMBER THE NAME OF THE TREES THAT ARE EATING PEOPLE? I'm sorry. I should be blaming his faulty memory, not him.

"He and Nico loped off." What's up with retraumatizing Nico? He gets sent back to Tartarus, sent back into the Labyrinth, etc. And always with Will, too. Is Will Solace just a really potent bad luck charm?

Also, LOPE (v.): run or move with a long bounding stride

"Surprisingly, though, [Malcolm had] paired himself with Sherman Yang. That didn't seem like a natural partnership" What do you mean? They're the sons of the two war gods. Of course they'd be perfect partners! And a deadly team, too!

"'Do not end up in Peru,' everyone chanted." As if that's gonna do shit to keep them from ending up in Peru. Five bucks one team ends up in a country even further away.

[if-you-fan-a-fire]

"M'CAFFREY TO MISS BIG PARADE THIS YEAR," Toronto Star. July 11, 1933. Page 2. ---- "Never Missed Twelfth," Pleads Pat's Friend-Gets Three Months ---- "He's never missed a parade, your worship," Captain Bunton of the Salvation Army pleaded for Patrick McCaffrey, charged with drinking. "I haven't been here for a long time." Pat put in for himself.

"He always has some story or other," said Magistrate Coatsworth. "He's been up three times in the last two or three months, hasn't he?" "Yes," confirmed Inspector Guthrie.

"Well, it will have to be three months. He will have to miss the parade this year."

John Reeve, another repeater, was also sent down for three months.

"First offence," said the clerk as Jas. Crane was called.

"It may be the first offence, but it's not the only offence. I got information this morning that he did a good deal of damage to his wife's house. He was out all night long, crashing things. I'm going to give him $20 or 30 days," said the bench.

"These men weren't on the tracks at all," declared Tom O'Connor, counsel for Wilfred Holmes, John Lemon, Edward Ridmon and Chas. Cameron, who were all charged by the C.P.R. officer with trespass on the Parkdale line. "They all tell me they were sitting beneath the trees on Noble St." The magistrate remanded them. Thomas Doyle, arrested by the same C.P.R. officer on a charge of trespass was sent down for five days.

"This man had a serious operation last November. Since then he's had six other operations. If this case is dismissed, he won't ever do it again," promised Austin Ross for Wm. G. Wright, charged with keeping a common betting house. "$150 fine and costs," said his worship.

Faulty Memory George Johnson, charged with breaking into a cigar-store on Carlton St., was remanded one week for mental examination. He claimed to have developed a case of loss of memory.

"I don't know anything about it. My head was all dazed," the prisoner said when he was asked to plead guilty or not guilty.

Alec Kelly, who apprehended Johnson with the help of Tom Jephson, stated he was walking down Parliament St. early yesterday morning when he heard a crash of glass. He went over and seized the man, Kelly stated.

"Did you find anything on the man?" asked Assistant Crown Attorney Fred Malone. "Just these cigarette dummies."

"He made a pretty bad choice," Mr. Malone commented.

Jephson testified that Johnson had told him that some drunk had broken the window and run around the corner.

"You don't know anything about being thrown out of a restaurant "earlier in the evening?" asked the crown. "I don't know anything about it."

Mr. Malone said the citizens should be commended to the police commision.

"They certainly should." agreed the magistrate. "I will mention it to the chief." Peter Lawsen, Ernest Twiddy, and Bob Telfer were given the option of $10 or five days for stealing a ride.

"I'm going to plead guilty for Tomlimnson. Cannell wants to plead not guilty," declared T. B. Horkins, defending Fred Cannell and Charles Tomlinson, charged with stealing two suits from a downtown store.

"I saw these two men, hanging around the exchange office," testified the store detective. "Then they got two suits from the stock room. I went up to them then, and took them to the office. When Tomlinson was searched a suit was found on him. I saw Canneil drop his on the way."

Both were remanded to July 25. Bail stands at $1,000.

McBrady Remanded Three charges of theft have been lodged against Louis V. McBrady. Only one of the charges came up to-day It was deferred to June 13, when the other charges are to be heard.

"If your worship has no objections, I would like to be tried by some other magistrate, because of what's happened in the past," the prisoner requested.

"I'm quite agreeable," his worship replied, but I can't guarantee that Mr. Jones will accept the responsibility."

"He says that he wants to get out on his own bail," Mr. Malone told the bench.

. "I've been in jail since June 30 for the theft of $5," added Mr. McBrady. "I can't accept your own bail, I'm afraid. There's too much of sort of thing." Magistrate Coatsworth refused.

Woman Driver Theresa Klein, charged with reckless driving, was given a two weeks' remand by Magistrate Jones in liquor and traffic court. Bail of $200 was continued.

Charged with Illegal possession of liquor, Walter Zabolotny drew a fine of $25 and costs with the option of a month in jail.

Wm. Wilson pleaded guilty to driving his car recklessly on Bloor St west of Keele. He collided with a milk wagon.

Wilson was sentenced to $10 and costs or 10 days and 7 days.

"He was under the influence of liquor," said P.C. Locke, testifying against Louis Dollery, charged with reckless driving on Richmond St. W.

Admitting he had a glass of beer. accused explained his groggy conduct and appearance shortly after the accident by the fact that his jaw was injured in the collision so that his teeth had to be removed later.

"Ten dollars and costs or ten days and seven days," said his worship.

"I thought I remanded you until Sept. 5." said Magistrate Jones as Louis Garland appeared in court.

"This is another charge," explained special Crown Prosecutor Marshall.

"There was also an Indian in the party," he continued, "and in a back room I found a woman so drunk she could not be aroused."

The officer declared that there had been a canned heat orgy in the house.

[aladaylessecondblog]

Fallen Star, pt. 7

Author's Note: Warning, long. 5k words, no smut. Sadara goes to Kogoruhn. There is the breakdown of a cliffracer carcass in this chapter.

------------------------------

The trip was largely silent, for certainly Rather couldn't speak. He knew exactly what route to take, so Sadara let him lead her by the hand despite how cold, deathly, and rough his skin felt.

When the occasional corprus beast or cliffracer threatened them, Rather was the first to charge magic, to put himself between her and the threat, and blast it until it stopped moving. He didn't seem puzzled that she joined in, but he DID when she grabbed the (now bloodless) cliffracer and started shoving it into one of her empty bags.

He gestured briefly at the cliffracer's body, then waved his hands.

"You eat corprusmeat," she said, "I don't. There's good eating on these things. V--Lord Dagoth sent me out with rations, but...meat is meat."

That answer seemed to satisfy him, and he lead her onward. East of Vemynal, according to the map, though Rather didn't seem to need one. She wondered if none of the Buoyant Armigers knew of this way in...if they did, then they weren't able to take it. Kogoruhn WAS a large base after all, and if it was inhabited by one of Voryn's brothers--ash vampire, the thought came a second later--then it wasn't going to be easy to conquer.

She'd come through Kogoruhn before, somehow managed to sneak past most of those within. But two she remembered.

Dagoth Ulen had mocked her for what he perceived as her devotion to Azura. "Ah, she's sucked you in with her pretty prophecies. Promised you power, did she? Promised you justice, did she? And when did a Daedra Lord ever fulfill a promise? Such a faulty memory you have."

She'd responded that she didn't even worship Azura, that she had been brought up to fear the daedric princes--that now remembering Voryn, Lord Dagoth as the sleepers all called him--she wanted to see him first, before she did anything more. Before she obeyed Azura's commands, obeyed her much farther--

"Mortals are but simple sport to the Daedra Lords. They pull the strings, and you poor fools leap and dance..."

"I dance to no one's tune but my own," she'd replied, "I am only here because--I want to see him before I--make any decisions."

That had seemed to calm him, temporarily. And as Rather lead her into the tunnel, she wondered then what Uthol would have to say. Him she'd told the same thing--that she wanted to see Voryn before doing anything else.

Sadara started to remove the scarf covering everything but her eyes and let it hang about her neck. She tensed when she saw another ascended sleeper up ahead.

What if this was all a trap? What if they meant to kill her here? What if--

Rather stopped in place, and turned back, patting the back of her hand. Perhaps trying to reassure her, she couldn't be entirely sure. But the other sleeper neared, and when it spoke she was sure it was Ulen. That thin, reedy voice that heightened into something more like a trumpet when he grew excited. Like a living wind instrument, like words spoken through them--wrong, utterly wrong. But still he was.

"Nerevar, how glad we are that you have seen the light!"

Rather shuffled aside so Ulen could approach; the latter raised his (shaking?) rough hands to her face.

"No more a puppet of prophecy. No more a tool of Azura. We welcome you, Nerevar Sadara."

"I...thank you." Sadara knew not what to say for a moment, knew not where to look. There were holes on Ulen's face, but none of them looked like proper eyes at which to direct her own. "There's no need for the fuss. Not that I'm ungrateful for V...Lord Dagoth's welcome, it's just..."

"Come, come." This time it was Ulen who lead her by the hand. Rather followed along behind them. "Lord Uthol expects you."

"It's really not necessary to bother him, I can't imagine he'll be very thrilled."

He'd let her through before, but she was sure he'd be as ill pleased as Gilvoth had been. She wouldn't really blame him for it, either. Someone calling themselves the Nerevarine waltzes in, spreads her legs, and thinks THAT's all it takes to--

It is not you he wants, but Nerevar.

"We are always happy when we receive a new follower. But for Nerevar to return and join us? THAT is worthy of celebration!" Ulen was all excited flutes now, "It has pleased our Lord greatly, and his joy is our joy."

"He's told you already?"

"Did you think our Lord would keep your presence a secret from the rest of his House? He would never treat you so cruelly."

"I...I didn't expect such a greeting, was all," Sadara went on in a slightly less shaky voice, "Considering the prophecy, I was certain that I'd be viewed with more suspicion, like everyone else on Vvardenfell has--"

"Such malice is the domain of Azura, she who thought herself the architect of your destiny, the designer of your misery. You are wiser than you at first seemed, and I offer my abject apologies for the assumption that you would fulfill those prophecies."

"No, there's no need to apologize. Really. I...I would be suspicious too, if I had been..."

Everything is fine. You're just in some tunnel underground with a couple of ascended sleepers and you're not wearing armor at all. It's not as though they would kill you and leave you here.

They could.

Sure, she had a longsword at her hip and a dagger hidden beneath the robe, but they were strong enough they could make short work of her before she could even lift a blade.

But they didn't.

"If I were one of you," she finally finished.

"That you are not, yet soon you shall be, by the grace of Lord Dagoth."

Sadara swallowed nervously when they approached a door. She still couldn't get Gilvoth's last look out of her head, that dour tone. Uthol had been friendly enough when she'd last come through, but...at the same time, she wasn't sure how he might take...the situation. She didn't know how much Voryn had shared, or how he'd worded it. He didn't exactly tell her these things...

Gods, what a fool I am.

The door opened, and Ulen let go of her hand, moving forward and turning toward someone she couldn't see as she entered, with Rather following close behind. She realized she was sweating, and took the scarf off to dab at the sweat on her brow.

"And there she is," came Uthol's voice. "Well met, Nerevar, well met indeed. Fortune smiles. You have survived the journey, made your submission..."

Sadara lowered her hands, and absent-mindedly wrapped one a few times over with the scarf. "And now here I am."

Uthol's eyes trailed slightly downward from her face, and she noticed a strange little smile.

"I didn't think you would take my suggestion quite so literally."

Sadara was confused, but reached up to touch her neck when Uthol gestured. There was pain over the spot--

Oh, gods, I COMPLETELY forgot about the bite mark he left!

She flushed with embarrassment and instantly said, hoping he didn't notice that too, "You can blame the Dagoth Brandy for that. I was...I wanted to clear the air about some things I didn't remember, and...well, there's no need to go on about it. I...I hope not to bother you overmuch, I know Gilvoth certainly wasn't happy about--"

"Gilvoth is never happy about anything," Uthol said, waving one hand absently. "And given the way Lord Dagoth's vision of your future in our House has changed, I can surmise the reason fairly easily. Perhaps he would simply like peace and solitude once more."

Again, she blushed.

"I...I hope," Sadara stammered slightly, "Still, that my presence will not...be an annoyance."

"Annoyance?" Uthol snorted and laughed. "Annoyance? You come to Lord Dagoth, you swear you mean neither him nor the House of Dagoth any harm, and you are to join us. Nerevar. And think we would find your presence grating?"

"It has not been an easy road getting here," she said quietly, "Native Dunmer are...quite hostile to outsiders. One gets the feeling that one is annoying simply by existing from the direction of the Empire. But considering all that the Empire has done, I understand. But House Dagoth is the first time I ever felt welcomed, and...it's been a breath of fresh air."

Really, it had been. It was, she was sure, part of the reason she'd fallen so easily into Voryn's arms. For the first time since her mother had passed, she felt truly wanted somewhere. But that was just Voryn. She hadn't considered the rest of his House, though given Gilvoth's reaction she'd been reasonably sure they'd be just as ill pleased.

"Even if V--Lord Dagoth insists on sending me here with an escort. As if I couldn't make the journey myself. Has he always been so cautious?"

"We were informed of your condition, so in that case, I cannot say I fault him for this caution. Is it true--your wounds will not heal by spell or by potion?"

She almost felt she shouldn't answer the question, but Uthol seemed genuinely concerned.

"It's true. I've tried several times on smaller wounds. I heal like anyone without magic, but it seems...Lord Dagoth himself is the only one who can outright heal my wounds with spells." And now she felt sheepish for even protesting at the escort. "I can only assume Azura is responsible for it, considering. At first she scolded me for my disobedience, but now she's gone silent."

"At any rate," Uthol said, changing the subject, "We're glad to have you join us here, and some of the sleepers have prepared a room."

"I'm--grateful for that, thank you," Sadara said, "And I'd be more than glad to keep talking. But...and I hate to ask even more from you, I...killed a cliffracer, would you happen to have a kitchen area I could break it down in?"

She pulled out the cliffracer's plucked body from one of her bags. Once more she expected a negative response.

Once more she was greeted with the opposite of what she expected.

Uthol laughed. "Not as such, but I'm sure Ulen could find you an appropriate place to do it in. Do mind the ash poets, though, they may start...piping at you, considering what your presence means. When they're excitable they tend to break into music."

"I'll keep it in mind, Lord Uthol."

He nodded, and added as she was leaving. "If I may, it will be good to have a lady in the house again. Not that I dislike the company of my brothers and the sleepers, but House Dagoth has a sad lack of women."

-------------------------------------

Rather was her shadow into the makeshift kitchen, but it was Ulen who provided most of the conversation as he helped her break down the cliffracer.

"It has been some time since I had need to do this," he said, "But it is like a light spell, once you learn it, you never forget."

"You tended game fairly often?" she asked.

"Certainly. I remember fairly little, but," Ulen replied, sorting through the daggers in her weapons bag until he found some appropriate for carving, "I know I had a daughter, and that I enjoyed the domestic side of life."

"...what brought you here, then? To--to House Dagoth."

Ulen's trunked head lowered as he hacked off the head of the cliffracer. "A bandit raid. My daughter was caught...and by the time I found her=...it was too late."

"I'm so sorry. I--I lost my mother fairly early, though they're not quite the same thing. It was just illness with mine, not...did you have no one else?"

"No one. I was alone, until the Sixth House. Lord Dagoth could not fully erase the pain, but he could blot from my mind the horrors I witnessed. I did not want to remember my daughter as she died, but as she lived...and he gave me that."

Sadara gave a weak smile, but then shifted as a question occurred to her. She cut off the lower fin of the cliffracer, then made a small lateral cut below the breast so she could start removing the skin. "He can make you forget things?"

"Indeed he can, but this he does only for those who move higher in his service. Perhaps it shall be different for you. I do not know, it is not my concern. You are different from us, Nerevar."

"Please," she said suddenly. "Call me Sadara. It is not that I reject who I am, but...as I told V--Lord Dagoth, it feels almost disrespectful. I am him, but if I'm here, then he isn't. He suggested taking Nerevar as the name of my House. I didn't want to use Indoril, for obvious reasons."

"An excellent idea, until the time you join House Dagoth." Ulen pulled the cliffracer breast away from the neck and back, and Sadara, having cleaned her hands and a dagger again, reached for a jar to drop the more inedible organs in. "Lord Dagoth is ready to welcome you, but you seem to know that already."

"It's...overwhelming," she replied in a weak voice, "To go from nothing, to this prophecy, to...a god's open arms...I never thought to find myself secure, let alone..."

Even if I am just Nerevar to him...even if he never sees me as more than that. If I can only change his mind...maybe, maybe...I can finally just REST. I don't need to be a King or a leader like Nerevar was, I'd be happy just being the woman on Voryn's arm...

"...let alone welcomed as I have been. Given what I did about the corprus..."

"Lord Dagoth is not angered by that, we know. It was a way to know that you were Nerevar reborn, after all."

"He said it would be a pity to...to mar a thing of beauty, even with the bounty of his divine disease." Sadara blushed briefly, and looked back to the carcass as Ulen was pulling out the crop, gizzard, and intestinal tract. "I'd never heard such compliments before. It's strange...when I prayed to the Divines, I would ask Mara for a heroic knight, and now I find that I've been sent a god. Perhaps someone wishes to make things up to me."

"Have you considered that that person may be Lord Dagoth himself?"

"'Wisdom, a firm friend, and all the power you need to set the world aright,'" Sadara quoted the note, "He called himself a respectful servant...and a loyal friend."

That of Nerevar's memories which had returned only confirmed that. Voryn had never been anything but loyal, that she could remember. Said what he meant, and meant what he said. Her heart leaped at the idea that it could extend into what had begun to grow between them.

"My only fear in all of this," Sadara lied, "Is Lady Azura's wrath. She has already gotten angry at me for not doing what she sent me for, and...I fear that more may happen the longer this goes on."

"She shall have no opportunity to enact any vengeance; you shall be well-guarded. Lord Dagoth wants no member of his house to worry for their safety." He worked with her in silence for a minute or two, then waited as she cleaned her hands again. "Least of all, his lady."

his lady

How sweet that sounded.

She had a few ash yams and some saltrice, and made a fairly decent stew out of it and the bulk of the cliffracer's edible meat. The scent seemed to draw in some of the other Dagoths, and she looked about for other bowls.

"We need no sustenance but the corprusmeat," Ulen said, "So do not feel obligated to share."

"Nonsense, a guest in the house should be willing to...and besides, I've other food."

She served out the stew to those who sat waiting, then ate from her own bowl with a spoon. The ash ghouls simply tipped their own up and ate that way.

I wonder if this comforts them...if they still remember eating anything before...

It was not a pretty thought, that she might continue doing this, but--even if Voryn did change his mind, these poor things likely wouldn't be able to return to what they were before.

"We thank you, lady Nerevar," one finally spoke once they were all done, "And we are pleased to welcome you into House Dagoth."

"I am not of your house--" Sadara started, but when the moment seemed tense she added, "Yet. But you're all welcome."

"If you intend to see the sunrise," Ulen suddenly said, "And get a good night's rest, I recommend you not linger overlong and proceed to the room we've cleared for you."

"A little longer," she replied, "I've got a lot on my mind, and...plucking at my lute always helps settle my head."

Sadara turned away as several of the ash ghouls tidied away the dishes, and pulled her lute from her bag.

I need to think. If I could have a moment alone that would be better, but...

At least Rather couldn't speak...she assumed he would simply continue to shadow her until she returned to Red Mountain. When she emerged in the morning to watch the sunrise...that would be her best opportunity. As alone as she would get, while she was still within Voryn's circle of influence.

Something slower and quieter. Ah, I know...

She chose The Star-Eyed Bride of Alinor and began to pluck at the strings, the lyrics rolling in the background of her thoughts.

My star-eyed bride of Alinor, lost in storm and spray

Kogoruhn was a palace of death, but they had welcomed her with open arms. Uthol had been more friendly than she'd expected, and Ulen...Ulen had been overjoyed to see her. The ash ghouls...well, they hadn't said much of anything, but they'd been curious enough to take her stew, so she would assume they'd at least not seen her there unhappily.

They were victims as much as any other, though...except Ulen. No, especially Ulen. He'd chosen this, but his grief...

My star-eyed bride of Alinor, that cruel fate took away

A willing soul did not make all this perfectly innocent...grief could make people act dangerously, make them desperate either to forget or to mask over the pain.

Sadara took a deep breath. Voryn wanted to help them, she could see that, and yet he didn't see he was really hurting them. What kind of a life was this, confined to Kogoruhn, never more speaking to anyone who wasn't a member of the family. Not even a chance to do so.

"They deserve better," she murmured under her breath.

White swan feathers fluttered from her ivory bridal gown, and unsung vows slipped from her lips, eager to be found

She could not save them...but if she could just persuade Voryn, perhaps she could stop anyone further from falling into this sort of state. Or like those corprus monsters she'd met on the journey to Kogoruhn.

The next few verses she couldn't seem to quite remember--but the tune stayed the same, so on she went with it. Another thing lost...had he made her lose it? No, no, something in her mind said. He wouldn't do that, he WANTS you to remember all that came before.

Voryn himself, he was in there, inside that one that all of Vvardenfell called a mad god, that one who was spreading the blight across the island. Surely there must be something she could do to save HIM. If Sotha Sil could figure out how to use the Heart of Lorkhan, then SHE could figure out how to free someone from the darker parts of its influence.

"One step at a time," she said, once more under her breath. Soft horns were echoing--

She looked up, to find that Ulen, currently at the end of the room, had been the one making the noise like a soft set of horns.

"By all means, Lady Nerevar," he said, his trunks raised, "Continue."

She looked down at the lute and, shutting her eyes, began again, thoughts staying on Voryn as a verse she did remember rose.

My star-eyed bride of Alinor, whose last words were my name

A moment later she heard Rather from his spot behind her, begin the notes as well (if at a lower pitch) creating a strange trio of sound with her performance and Ulen's.

Then an ash ghoul, its sound a somewhat higher note, and another, somewhat lower. A third, a fourth.

My star-eyed bride of Alinor, I still weep from the shame

Before Morrowind, music was how she made herself seen, and she had never felt so much so as now. To play a song, to have others join along, it was (despite the circumstances) everything she'd dreamed it would be. She lead, they followed, they caught up and every note was harmony.

And then, a thought. A thought that was definitely not her own.

In his flesh and of his flesh.

A slight smug joy not her own, along with the words.

Gares? she thought. Those words, she would not forget those words so easily. It was faint...so very, very faint, on the edge of hearing, just barely audible.

Did I not say you would come to our lord, Nerevar?

Sadara kept playing, feeling a sudden anxiety beneath her skin. The room suddenly felt paradoxically too small and too large, too bare and too crowded. She felt linked to someone, someones. These ash ghouls, Rather, Ulen, most strongly, then somewhere in the mental background was Uthol, and outside Kogoruhn, others. Like the strings of a spider's web moving at the slightest touch she was still, yet was sure she felt--

And here you are.

Yes, she thought, Here I am.

But there was nothing further. She didn't know if the others had heard what she had, or if perhaps she'd simply been hearing things. The ash ghouls did not speak up, and neither did Rather or Ulen. The song finished out, and for a moment there was an almost appreciative silence.

She did not know how she knew that they were glad of the song they'd shared in, as she hadn't looked up to see anyone smiling or anything like that.

What she did know was that she felt their gladness. The echo of the last note passed on, though, and with it came an end to her surety. It was as if a connection established had been suddenly severed.

The ash ghouls got up one by one and left, thanking her or bowing their heads by turns. Eventually, she was left alone with Ulen and Rather.

"I think I will go to sleep now," she said, "That...seems like a good note to go out on."

A sound like whistling flutes, musical laughter. Ulen replied, "In the most literal sense. You truly do belong here, Lady Nerevar."

Sadara gave a weak smile and nodded, then let herself be lead away. The room they'd prepared for her was fairly empty with no windows. There was a bed, only barely qualifying as one with its single blanket and pillow.

Ulen told her that Rather would be standing guard on the other side of the door, and she was finally, finally left alone. She set up her bedroll beneath the blanket, and, shivering just slightly, settled herself into it and sipped quietly from her waterskin.

That connection, whatever it was, had been frightening, and yet at the same time--she had felt the last embers of her fear of loneliness burn out. Was this a small version of what the others with corprus felt? Were they all so connected? Perhaps she had been imagining things, and yet...and yet, she was sure she was right about it.

But it was triggered by music. Specifically, when there was a harmony. Maybe because her case of corprus was stilled, frozen in time, she could not fully feel what they did.

It confused her, as much as Voryn did, but feeling the fatigue of the day's journey she lay back on the bed and shut her eyes.

If it had linked her to the others, she wondered sleepily, then why had she not felt Voryn?

Suppose he is the link? Suppose...

The questions circled puzzlingly in her mind until sleep finally took her.

----------------------------------------------

When she opened her eyes again she wasn't in that dim little room in Kogoruhn, but a large, airy, brightly lit...palace, she wanted to say.

It was crowded but not overwhelmingly so. Everyone was dressed finely, and everyone was golden-skinned. Yet there seemed to be a rainbow of colors otherwise in their robes and armors and various dressings. Jeweled coronets glittered from some brows, and gold from most necks. She was wearing what she had been when she lay down to sleep--the red robe with the leather belt bearing the symbol of House Dagoth, which in the crowd made her feel severely underdressed.

She distracted herself with how this all felt familiar, overwhelmingly so, and as she made her way through the room she got both nods and bows.

I've been here before, Sadara thought, I know I have been here before!

A memory, maybe, a memory she'd forgotten. Or perhaps just a dream, her mind trying to make sense of the new memories that were moving through her mind. Perhaps it was just a jumble of things...and yet...

Sadara managed to find her way to one of the walls, where were lined a small row of chairs and--a mirror. With the crowd still talking behind her she looked into it, seeing none of them in it--not even herself.

The face that looked out of the mirror was a golden-skinned Chimer, with white hair that stood up, and eyes so blue--

Nerevar! she realized suddenly, and raised a dusky hand to her face. In the mirror the hand was Nerevar's. So this is what I was before?

It unnerved her, to look into those eyes, despite the reflection being, well, her own. Yet it was not her own, and the stare of those eyes into her own had a strange guilt settling over her. What would he think, she wondered? How would he see what she was doing, or rather, not doing? Eyes this blue were an obvious sign of devotion to Azura...surely, Nerevar would be angry.

And yet...

...even if that is not what Azura wants...

Was Nerevar there somewhere in the back of her mind, doubting his lady's commands just as much as she was? The eyes in the mirror seemed worried...hopeful, in some minute way, but they were full of concern for certain.

Sadara turned away from the mirror suddenly, not wanting to look at those eyes any longer. She looked about the crowd, seeking any particularly familiar face. Seht, Vehk, even Ayem she'd have taken, some certainty in a place where everything was familiar but vague at the same time.

Like a painting of a place she knew she'd been, with definite details impossible to note. Faces were clear but no details jumped out to scream that this person was so-and-so, or that person was--

The crowd parted before her to let her pass, and the music coming from some nebulous, unclear point in the room rose into a gentle symphony of strings and flutes.

The ink-dark hair, the stiff posture...

He turned.

The golden mask.

The red and black robes and the golden pauldrons she didn't recognize, and yet again there was that feeling of deja vu. She did not remember him wearing this, and yet in her mind there was an echo of the memory, saying that yes, he HAD worn this. She had seen him here once before. Long, long ago...only without the mask.

"This," Voryn said, in a voice softer than any she had yet heard him use, "This is the last time before it all went so wrong."

Am I dreaming?

"Of course you are," the smile was evident in his voice, even if unreadable on that impassive gold, "Did you think I would neglect you?"

"I...I thought you would be busy." Sadara gave a brief smile, and then turned to look over the gathered crowd. "I remember all this, and yet I don't...I know I was here, but...everything...is hazy. Like an echo of a memory."

"Your lady would have you believe you do not need such memories," Voryn replied, "But to have Nerevar reborn without Nerevar himself...for a tool of the daedric princes, it would suit. You...you were made to do her bidding, and for no other reason. What pain he must go through, to see and to lose so many times."

Sadara was unsure how to respond, so she nodded to let him see she was paying attention, and to tell him to continue.

"This time....this time will be different, I swear it. I will see that the Tribunal do not get the chance to pour their lies in your ear; that Ayem does not poison you, that Vehk does not stab you. We shall rise over the Tribunal like a wave and drown them. We shall choke them with their own hubris, and then--show them the might and majesty of a true god."

He took her left hand and held it between both of his own.

"Do not fear to speak. Azura cannot touch you here."

"I know, but...I believe Seht could tell you that the daedric princes could lay waste to one's home and hearth easily."

"Seht had his vengeance," Voryn brushed it off, "And should the Lady of Dawn and Dusk think to harm you, I shall have mine."

He lay a hand on her face, turned it so her gaze crossed his own.

Once more, the flutter in her chest.

"What you see here will be again, once I have Wraithguard."

"'When the land is swept clean of false friends and greedy thieves, the children of Veloth will build anew a garden of plenty in this blighted wasteland,'" Sadara quoted.

"And you," he said, leaning in, "What do you hope to gain from all this?"

"Only security," she replied, heart beating rapidly in her chest as she spoke, "Give me that, and--"

Voryn silenced her with a kiss, and the noise of the crowd faded in her ears.

[hellsmouthcove]

HI ROBIN!!!! i see u in my notifs still and i havent even spoken to u in so long!!! i just wanted to say hello ^v^ hai!! (just in case ur memory's faulty (which i completely understand) its me kai i just go by different names now)

i hope ur doing okay!!!!!!!!!!!!

:00 hai !!!!! i do remember you :3 i hope yr doing well too !!

[leomanxxx]

[MĀO]

Finally have time to draw him! Haven't come up with a serious name for him yet rn I call him "มาว" which is a short version of my Thai nickname + It sounds like a cat meow AND ALSO THE WORD "CAT" IN MANDARIN (猫 /māo) I love felines so much :3

[Concepts below]

I came up with him while I was doing an art project, basically, he's just my inner-child + shadow self, the part of me that I tried to ignore and now it has escalated too far idk where and how to fix it????

I always find myself in 1 of the 3 stages of grief, denial, anger, and bargaining. I said 3 bc tbh I haven't really experienced depression and I still find it hard to accept this part of myself, it's so confusing and disgusting

Māo is actually well-built, he has a V-shaped body bc I love my upper body so much and I think even the part that I don't like abt myself should be sexy too (?) , we also have the same beauty marks and scars. He's basically a mix of my narcissism and self-loathes

But you may notice that he has an overtly visible ribcage and a y-incision scar, I have problems with breathing and pains in my ribcage a lot so that part of my body just feels prominent to me

Y-incision is a classic + cliche autopsy method, I heard they discovered a new one? It might be a faulty memory. Anyways, one night I was tryna sleep then I suddenly felt this hollowness inside my chest and it hasn't gone away???

I can't lie on my back without feeling funny in my chest again. If it's that easy I would like to perform the Y.I. on myself bc why do I feel so empty there, both physically and emotionally lmao

It also has smth to do with my relationship problems but i won't bother y'all with personal info like that on the tl. + including why he has a scar on his left chest

he wears those gloves bc uhhhh if you know me you know I love fetishw3ar

He is in the tall grass, looking at the viewer but what is his intention? Is it good or bad? Is he smiling? but he's also frowning? it's so confusing and unclear, that's how I feel tbh, literally me frfr

[imminent-danger-came]

Out of curiosity, is this post out of frustration from my response?

I want to highlight, I don't think Wukong is actually going to be "in the wrong", and I don't think everything is his fault (and neither do the writers, I'm positive). There is a difference between my views as an audience member, the writers views, and what MK's biases are. So let's separate MK's feelings from the writers feelings.

LMK is all about false narratives and faulty memories. It's also about deconstructing the hero villain binary, so saying something is "good" or that something is "bad" goes against the very core of the show. Honestly, I think calling anyone past s1 (maybe s2) a "villain" isn't quite 100% correct, antagonist would be more apt.

Like, I think saying "these feelings are right" or "this response is wrong" is counterproductive. I just wanted to point out the feelings MK has, and how that may manifest next season. This isn't a simple situation, it's unnecessary to put anything in "good guy" and "bad guy" boxes.

Like, during SWK V MK, I personally think MK will probably be in the "wrong", if that's how you want to view it. I even think it's likely that Macaque and Mei will rush to Wukong's defense (which will be fun, since MK and Macaque have had opposite character progressions). Like, sure, MK could yell at the brotherhood, but he's not narratively as connected to them as he is to Wukong. It's not personal. It's not a representation of his identity as MK and the Monkie Kid (which then all tie back to Monkey Form).

With Macaque, MK has actually confronted him. They've actually fought, MK's actually chewed him out (3x13), and there's been more resolution there. Still, I honestly think MK will fight Macaque too! He'll fight all of his friends (Mei V MK I adore you)! And I wouldn't mind a direct Macaque apology either.

Ultimately it's like, yeah, Wukong has grown and developed and gone through his own redemption. He's suffered plenty. But you also don't stop growing, and you don't stop needing to grow, or hurting people, and things don't stop happening because you've "suffered enough". That was a main focus of s4, the fact that "nothing lasts forever", and change is constant. You know. It's not about what characters "deserve", it's about what you do with the hand you're dealt.

If swk get blamed for everything in the next season I swear I'm going to lose it not everything is his fault he had enough he doesn't deserve to be yelled at idc what anyone say he had enough sure he made mistakes in the past but he already redeemed himself and that's alot more then all the other characters wukong is mature enough to say sorry when he's wrong like the end of season three that's more then any other characters (macaque let's be real) he's a good person other characters deserve to be yelled at come on! like the brotherhood and macaque leave wukong alone I swear he get treated worse than the actual villainess in the show