#[ to have a TMI moment i have struggled with the illnesses of the mental for. All of my life v depression v anxiety | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

rochey1010 · 4 years

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Hi guys, 👋 i just wanted to make a post about something that i feel is about to happen on the show, like i am completely convinced of this now.

I'm seeing major foreshadowing going on with Elu and what will be the outcome of the spoiler movie plot.

Ok, so something i've noticed with Eliott this season is that he's kinda in his own world. Yes i know they are showing his individualism and i'm happy to see that because i think he's a beautiful and complex character and deserves so much insight.

But certain things i've noticed in scenes and certain things i've heard Eliott say is starting to make me think we are heading for Eliott having his own rock bottom moment. I'm just gonna list some things that seem to connect for me.

• The hiding and lying really been highlighted with Eliott's arc. The almost casual way too. Like it's a habit and second nature. He's done it so much in my eyes to hide his true self that it's basically become a mask now. How he justifies these things to others and how oblivious he really is to how others see it too. How outside perspective is different from Eliott perspective e g. Lola calling him out with the urbex hiding, Lucas's anger when he was blindsided with Lola being in their home.

•For the first time ever with Lucas we see him at Daphne's party monitoring himself in regards to Eliott's mental illness. He's not monitoring Eliott and i have a theory on that. Lucas is so afraid of being a Lucille that he's passive with things that may be seen as controlling. So instead he tries to be cautious and make the situation about it being Lucas's choice and not a choice made for Eliott. I don't think it's an accident at all that Arthur walks up to Lucas and Eliott and wants to share a joint and Lucas who is cuddling Eliott and playing with his hair brushes Arthur off without saying what the audience is picking up on. For the first time ever we see Eliott chafe under this and we are aware that Eliott knows what Lucas is doing. Eliott tells him in an almost biting the tongue way to go and it's ok. And Lucas says these very telling words "Can i?" And Eliott says "yes Lucas" Lucas then happy kisses Eliott on the cheek and goes off with Arthur.

• The argument Lola wakes up to where we see that Eliott impulsive, forgot to let Lucas know what he was coming home to. Now i must say i don't blame Eliott for not doing this as the night was intense. And he'd just saved a girl from attempted rape and was prob up for hours with her and got very little sleep himself. But i also see Lucas's point too. Lucas is passionate. It's not out of character. It is part of who Lucas is. That is why he is a hedgehog. He is simply prickly and reactive. We have seen this throughout the show. He initially acts in a defensive way (hedgehog quills) and then he calms and deals. But again we see Lucas thrown off guard with Eliott and his impulsivity. So they are yelling and then Lucas says "she has problems" and Eliott tells him he has problems too, and Eliott acts offended that Lucas is being judgmental. And again it's a trait with Lucas too, and highlights again the group dynamics and the reaction to outsiders. Lucas accepts Eliott's illness but found it hard to accept his mothers. His love for Eliott changed his perceptive though as we see in S3. Lucas still shows that he has prejudices. He has made comments that are ignorant and unfair throughout the show e.g. mental illness, LGBTQ+, ableism with Arthur, Panphobia stereotypes etc. He just did it again with Lola. Like i said before, i play no favourites i see these characters as complex and when they're messy or flawed they are more interesting to me. So i have no issues when they F up. They're young, insecure, and it feels true to life. But yeah i notice with Lucas (again highlighting insulation in the group v isolation in outsiders) that Lucas has a moral view. If i care and love you i will accept you warts and all. If you are unknown and alien my quills are ready to go. And this is a direct contrast to Eliott who comes in and spreads his arms ready to hug the world. Even adopts furry animals. 😍

Then again something is said that shows how Lucas views his position with Eliott and his mental health. Eliott gives a hypothetical and says to lucas if he were in trouble Lucas would want him to be helped and safe, and Lucas says back. Yeah, but Lucas himself should be that person that should handle it. Now i don't blame Lucas. He loves Eliott so much and he wants him safe but i got subtle control out of that comment and an implication that Eliott can't handle himself. And we see the direct contrast the night before when Eliott, who the last time we saw in that hoodie with the hood raised, he was at his worst and crying in La Petite Ceinture needing rescue. But now he's the one that finds his power and rescues someone else. That he is capable, individual and has 2 feet.

•The mental illness talk with Lola and us learning more of Eliott's past. I loved this because we again see Eliott speak for himself. We get the much begged for past history of Eliott and his struggles. And he gets to impart wisdom and help someone else. That there is power in this friendship with Lola. For Eliott he not only sees the mistakes of his past he can rectify but he can be strong and guide someone out of the darkness he once found himself in. I find that incredibly beautiful and amazing character insight. But again it highlights how oblivious Eliott is to his actions on the one he loves most. His Lucas. Like i could write a huge ass post on Eliott alone and why he does the things he does, but i may get kicked off the tag if i do. 😄 but 2 words come to mind with Eliott and his love with Lucas.

FEAR: The fear of the past repeating and control happening AND the fear of being real and true because it's too much and you are a burden. And it all being rooted in his mental illness.

"i don't know how to control it and it is killing me"

Eliott tells Lola that his bipolar episodes can be quite violent. That there are funny ones (choc labrador thievery) and very sad ones (3 time attempt to take your life) like i knew his past was dark. (anyone that creates a refuge to release in and cry like you're still hiding, even from yourself and uses that as a coping mechanism?) Something horrible must have happened for you to resort to that.

And i've always maintained that Eliott is one of the darkest Even's, and France have not romanticised the portrayal of his mental illness in any way shape or form. He has snapped at lucas during his crash , had episodes where lucas can only watch him helplessly and love him regardless, his insta journal has been quite heartbreaking with his mental/emotional state, he sometimes won't take his meds, he'll hide his bipolar out of fear and run, he has his personal refuge, he's tried to take his life, he needs to get away and breathe, and he still has suicide thoughts even though he has Lucas. You have got to applaud the show with how they've handled Eliott and his illness. It's very real, and you may love someone immensely but depression doesn't care what they mean to you. They will be by your side but they can't fix you and love your mind to better health. You're still gonna have negative thoughts, you're still gonna slip and regress but having the one you love hold your hand makes it easier to navigate those scary moments. 👏

But through this something dawned on me. Eliott is sabotaging his relationship in his pursuit not to. And i gotta say i find that so sad. He's creating this love bubble, actually they both are, and nothing can penetrate the love bubble. That means fears and insecurities stay outside. He's lying and hiding to protect himself, protect Lucas from himself and keep Lucas from leaving him. Lucas is too but that essay is for another time. 😄 and he says to Lola that to love someone is to accept them even with their flaws. But he's lying to Lola too because he won't let Lucas see his flaws because it means Lucas leaves. 😭 we saw Eliott once open up to Lucas in S3 Lundi and the way Maxence played that scene was beautiful, because you see just how heavy being mentally ill is on Eliott. That he believes he'll just ruin everything around him

"things will change, i don't want them to but they will and it'll be because of me"

He can't keep eye contact with Lucas and his entire demeanour is one of wobbly defeat. You have never seen Eliott more vulnerable in this moment. His shame, embarassment, and self loathing is oozing out of his pores. He doesn't even want Lucas to have to deal with it, and his expectation is that the relationship ends here. And to add to that, he shows just how much he loves Lucas by saying how he can't bear to see him hurt or in any kind of pain. Lucas fights for them and Eliott has hope. But we realise that things don't just change overnight, days, months etc. Eliott still has demons inside him that tell him hurtful and toxic things that all people who suffer with mental illness go through. And when Lucas tells him he loves him there's still a voice in Eliott that says " for how long" and "you won't when you see who i am" i'm not exaggerating here. I deal with mental illness and it destroys your self worth. It is a daily fight and you kinda can see yourself as an alien in the world. It really has the power to twist your perception of the world in the ugliest way. FYI and TMI but when i had a severe anxiety episode that had crept up over years of denial and added to a huge life stressor. It lasted weeks before i accepted i needed help. I used to do what Eliott would do, and when it was too much i would up and leave, go to a nearby park and sit on the bench alone and sad. One time i looked up at the clouds and instead of seeing the beauty of nature, i saw mockery. I actually saw clouds laughing at me. 😄 no it wasn't delusions. It was simply a twisted perception of the world where there was self loathing, failure, and the feeling of powerlessness. I don't know why i included this, sorry for the discomfort. ☺️

But back to Eliott. Lola asks if things will be ok with him and Lucas. Eliott is like yeah and just throws out:

"He's worried about me, i have bipolar disorder, do you know what that is?"

Anyone else pick up on the emphasis Eliott does there in his relationship with Lucas. Brings it back to the mental illness and the oblivious nature of other things, like miss-communication and hiding things. Like Eliott's world in this relationship is "I have bipolar disorder" like that's a huge focus for Eliott.

Then they are comparing loves. Eliott telling Lola that "And i have Lucas, I can't lose this" we are actually hearing this from his mouth, and again, the reinforcement of the root of Eliott's insecurities. I can't lose Lucas. He has made my life better and makes the bad stuff not so overwhelming and scary AKA i'm afraid he will leave. So i will use my power to stop that from happening. She's sad and tells Eliott she had a Lucas (Maya) but lost her. Eliott tells her to find her Lucas and if she loves her she'll accept her. Which is obviously going to happen with Maya and Lola. She'll tell her the past which is connected to Lola's addict issues. And like Lucas, Maya's love for Lola will help her to overcome her pain and move forward, and Lola to find her light and not be so scared of her darkness.

• Every single time Eliott is asked by someone about him keeping things from Lucas. His answer is the obsessive "i want to protect him and i don't want to stress him or worry him" We saw it with Imane in S4 and we saw it with Lola recently. We add on the inner insecurities with "It'll be too much and he won't stay" and here's Eliott folks. 😔 We know he has an arc this season. Max said Eliott has a beautiful emotional journey, and that he helps the main with his past.

But one thing that every person who goes through emotional turmoil AKA Skam season main journey. It's called the moment that is the wake up call for the character. The moment that you are at your lowest and you must face yourself. Eliott can't be main as he's blocked but we are seeing that he has a lot of focus. So far he's in the show a lot and very active too.

We know that Elu's seasons long issues are being addressed finally. We know that Eliott himself will be addressed. What's one thing that has remained the same in Eliott and Lucas's love? The hiding things from Eliott and Lucas forgiving him AKA Lucas has never left. What's one thing that could be a very scary wakeup call for Eliott? Lucas leaving.

Now i don't think those scenes are throwaway at all, and i don't think the dialogue is either. They've slowly set this arc up since S5 for Eliott and the relationship with Lucas. Little stressors that just watching S5 you play off but now paired with S6 become very serious. I've mentioned some of them in other posts. We know the spoiler movie is coming. We know how lucas reacts to Eliott being honest and we can almost say how Eliott reacts = impulsivity and rebellion.

But the fallout? And i do think the story is going there guys. Which i'm fine with tbh, along with the conflict and the relationship. Saying it's just drama or out of the blue would be a humongous lie. This has been building for seasons and it is incredibly consistent with the relationship and the characters. Now i'd agree with fans if Eliott and Lucas were eternally blissful and then suddenly boom issues. But that hasn't happened at all. It's been tiny little stressors building up to the eventual crack, or my analogy = the bubble eventually pops.

So the movie happens, and for Lucas it's the straw that breaks the camel's back. His breaking point for him to end the relationship or leave Eliott. And it's Eliott's breaking point. We have his words, we didn't need them, let's be real, but we have them. He needs Lucas and everyone knows how much he loves him. Like that is not even debatable. Eliott is deeply in love with his hedgehog. But it's the wake up call to the relationship, and it's the wakeup call to Eliott. He can't continue this self sabotage and he has to face everything. But guys, Eliott really emphasised his need for Lucas. That ultimately tells me he's put his mental health on this need too. I think Eliott is going to be triggered and spiral. Like i'm sure of it now. And i think that is when S3 main Lucas will have his talk with S6 main Lola. I think she's gonna bring them back together. And i think that's what Flavie meant in her live "she helps him too"

I just wanna say i'm not gonna be in the tag saying Eliott or Lucas is a villain. I think it's sad when stress happens we pit the characters against each other. I wish the fanbase could be compassionate and empathetic. And you may not agree with what a character does but you accept that these characters are not black and white and they make mistakes, mess up and do stupid shit. It's the journey that we all go on and as other fans have said, growth is not linear.

Finally, god these posts are getting longer. I've lurked for so long and now my thoughts are just piling up. 😄 but yeah, i noticed some fans say that this Lucas and Eliott stuff should be over, they're together a year so should have dealt with their issues. Like i just have to say to that what?? Like relationship issues happen. You don't just fix them and bam happily ever after. The same issues can crop up throughout a relationship, because you are not just dealing with you as a unit but you are dealing with you as an individual too. You have the baggage the relationship causes and your carry on's that you yourself bring to the relationship. Your own personal issues and insecurities can continue to crop up causing problems.

Stressors can expose cracks, and that is what is happening. Denying and placing to the side issues like you'll deal with them later but you never do because you're afraid of the response thinking The relationship fails or you lose each other. Like think of anxiety. It's the ultimate result of not dealing with life issues. They build and build throughout life untill they become a disorder. These 2 haven't dealt with them untill now, and that's why they are coming to a head finally. And from a show perspective the format really limits them. Focusing on one main can't explore others and their issues, because the main has to be there. The only way you can do that is breaking format and Skam is quite strict with their narrative. What's happening with Eliott is a case of 'this is the best we can do' he's blocked but they want to give this beloved character the insight the fanbase has been begging for. They don't usually do this. Usually it's the main and his/her ensemble but this time it's the main + 2 part mains in Daphne and Eliott. The ensemble is background this season. And Eliott has an arc since S3 so of course they are going to bring these seasons built relationship issues to the surface and address them. They are wrapping up the old generation and handing over to new now. All these threads are being dealt with.

So what i said about stressors exposing cracks. Well here's a stressor? moving in together. Before Eliott lived alone, with his parents checking in frequently (prob his bipolar disorder) but he could breathe and be, and hide and be alone whenever he wanted. Now he's living with Lucas. And they love each other but there are teething problems. We saw them laid beautifully in S5, and being together only a year is really nothing. Most of that would be a honeymoon period, let's be honest here. And they have such an intense and emotional love. Like they are young (17/18 and 19/20) and have found the life partner they want. Just think about that, and the issues of that responsibility as well. In reality you don't find your life partner at that age. You really don't.

And people mess up. They make mistakes and they grow but it's not a full stop there. You make other mistakes and you mess up. And environmental triggers can happen that can make more mistakes happen, and can even make you regress. You fight in life. You don't sail through it. Does anybody? So yeah, oh sweet the lovebirds moved in together but moving in together has also highlighted issues not dealt with. Couples face tests. And importantly that "minute par minute" scene is now being seen in action. That means the bad times as well as the good. This relationship started in so much fear for both and i'm sorry that level of fear doesn't just poof away. We are seeing that.

Now i'm done. I really don't blame anyone if they don't read this. Even i'm ashamed at the length. But will i still post it? Yep 😄💜

#skam france #eliott demaury #skamfr #lucas lallemant #lola lecomte

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roomeight · 5 years

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I know this is a bit tmi but your writing literally comforts me post-panic attacks, when I’m feeling particularly depressed and lifts me up in a way other things rarely can. Your Damon so soothing to read as you portray him, others cannot capture him how you are able to. I was having a horrible day when you posted chapter 24, and reading it helped me forget my problems. I know it's a little selfish to say that, but I hope you never leave us 💞

Not TMI or selfish at all, in fact thank you for sharing because I struggle with mental illness and panic attacks too and it makes me happy when people talk about it and are honest. That’s a huge compliment for me, and I’m so happy that it was able to provide you some relief in the moment because it’s the worst thing to get though and I’m sorry you feel that way. <3

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king-ishima · 6 years

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ooc

Short Version: INSTANT MESSAGING OPEN, BUT REPLIES WILL BE SLOW

// Hi guys! I’ve not been feeling too well lately, bed ridden most of the day. I thought I could spend more time on my laptop since I can’t do much else but I’m so exhausted mentally and physically, so it’s kinda difficult. I’m on the app a lot so I have no issues plotting with people on IM (so feel free to approach me there!) but I’ll start making a list of posts I need to reply to and I’ll get around to them when I’m feeling better. (More details under the cut for those who have followed - I’ll put it under the cut to keep this post short on peoples dash and because I’m getting a bit worried new blogs may be put off by this news ^^; )

// I’ll be in and out of activity but I’m still here I promise!

// So as some of you already know; I’m heavily pregnant. Just hit 35/40 weeks. On the last leg now! But due to moving house I’ve actually (somehow) lost weight. My baby has gained, but I’ve lost over 2kg in a very short space of time. I cant seem to gain it back either. Struggling to eat because of how full I’m always feeling. Which is probably why I’m so tired all the time, as well as the hormones and carrying around a heavy load, because I’m just not getting what I need for energy.

// There’s so much DIY that needs doing and I’m stuck in bed most days... So I push myself to finish things when I really shouldn’t. So that’s why I’m so ill. Losing weight, exhausting myself physically, my baby is making his way down ready for labour and...well...I don’t know if I’m in early labour already ^^;

// I have pregnancy-related PGP (pelvic girdle pain) diagnosed months ago but my GOD it is so much worse now! As well as insanely painful back ache, not being able to sleep, and a few other TMI signs, my midwife says I may be either getting ready to go into labour, or already there. So, if things keep going I COULD be having my baby within the next few days or so. If I suddenly disappear, that’ll be why. Though I’ll try and make a post officially stating my hiatus when I can to not worry people. I’m hoping it’s just more stretching and organs moving around... I seriously need this next month to get my house in a better place. Doesn’t help because I’ve had to put over £1000 into decorating this house, that’s a grand that hasn’t been able to get baby stuff. Poor boy doesn’t even have a mattress for his cot... which is still flat packed because there are no carpets down. I’ve been told to pack a bag to grab for the hospital...but most of my stuff is still packed and scattered about and missing loads of things I need...

// Fucking hell its a stress... guess I’ve been rambling too much but it kinda helps to get it all down. Might delete this section eventually. I’m so sorry if this bothers people; I know some aren’t happy with me annoucing I was pregnant in the beginning and left me Anon’s saying I should keep it to myself and it has no place here but...well my real life affects how often I can be here on Tumblr. I’m not going to stop RPing just because I’m going to be a parent. I’ll probably rely on it more to keep me sane! Plus I love this community, love the creativity this gives me and love all the people I’ve met here.

// Hope that explains my constant disappearances a bit better. My body is kind of out of my control at the moment - which is so annoying - but I have to come to terms with the fact I can’t do much about it.

// Thank you all for being so understanding! (or fuck you anons who don’t get it... whichever applies XD)

#mun speaks

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fancydancing · 6 years

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Virtue Moir - The musical

Let’s take a little musical journey starting with Stay and ending with YRMW.

I don’t have an objective bone in my body when it comes to this topic, so I let other people do the talking. (I might have only picked comments that fit my narrative, but I’m only human, give me a break!)

**I put this together very quickly, so please forgive any mistakes**

**Also, it’s very long, but you have to read to the end to get the whole story**

Let’s begin...

Stay - Rihanna

Song meaning according to VM:

“It’s really about this couple who’s madly in love and long for each other, but they keep missing each other and can’t get their timing quite right to make it work in the end.”

And oh yeah, didn’t Scott say that this was their story? Hmmm...

According to anonymous experts on the internet:

I think it is about two people that are completely in love, but are dealing with their own personal battles. He is the one that is "broken" (maybe mental illness), but she was in a place in life that she needed to be saved from emotionally. He is the only one that she feels can help her fill this emptiness she has been living with. He says its not much of a life she's living, and that she never sees the light. Life isn't something you take, it is given. Live it, don't just let it pass you by. He wants her to get out and live and stop being depressed. She needs help being there for him, it is dragging her down, but she loves him and wants to help him get through it. Round and around and around they go... meaning they keep dealing with this same battle over and over and over again trying to help each other, and it doesn't seem to be getting better. All they know, is they need the other and can't get through it alone, but it's a huge struggle trying to keep helping the other and pulling each other up.

The two each came into the other's life for some helping reason. They came to realize that they were both in need of help and helping. An unanticipated affection grew for one another. They end up genuinely caring for each other and not just serving themselves. The concept is foreign to them; they are stripped "naked" of pretenses...beyond mental or physical desires...they care for someone outside theirselves. It is a new unadulterated and pure place, and they are trying to understand it.

Into the Mystic - Van Morrison

Most interpretations say it’s about the end of a long journey and beginning a new path into the unknown. All I know is ST choreographed it themselves in his (or hers?) kitchen.

Anonymous sources say:

“Into the Mystic.... Into the the unknown without fear with your soulmate at your side”

"At the very end Van sings: too late to stop now, suggesting that the song also describes an act of love."

Good Kisser - Usher

This song left me screaming, “TMI! TMI!” I want to know whose idea it was to skate to this song? And did VM understand what Usher was talking about? Because I really never paid too much attention to the lyrics although I’d heard the rumors.

And did they perform this IN FRONT OF THEIR PARENTS?? (no pun intended)

That’s all I have to say about this song.

How Will I Know - Originally by Whitney Houston

I thought this comment summed it up pretty nicely:

“She still is unsure of how he feels, she doesn't know. He hasn't made it clear. Gave her reassurance or made any plans. She's sick of waiting by the phone for nothing to happen. If he wants her in his life hell have to communicate the good ol fashion way. If not than he obviously doesn't. She wants to marry him but if that's never possible she would settle for SPECIAL friends or even just good friends. She just wants to be part of his life and world like she has made him part of. She's giving him another chance and if he doesn't take it soon she can't promise the opp will always be available. He hurt her. She still tried. She wishes he would be comfortable with her as she is with them. They got along great and it was so easy. That's what doesn't make sense to her. There's no need to have fear. She's made her case. Hopefully she'll know sooner than later.”

What's Love Got to Do With It - Originally by Tina Turner

“I think that this song is about a woman who doesn't want to fall in love again with an obviously attractive man due to a bad relationship experience in the past.”

***** “This man is obviously (sexually) very attractive (his touch makes her "pulse react") but for her own "protection" she says to him 'nope sir', a guy won't cause me a "broken heart" (again).” **** “In the refrain she just asks a general question about the value of love at all, she concludes that love in real life is not what it is suppopsed to be according to ones imagination and /or dreams. At first you fall in love with an attractive man but than your heart will be broken (he will cheat or misstreat you). But she also states that she isn't all happy about her beeing reluctant to love because she actually doesn't really want to spend her life alone. "But I have to say... It scares me to feel this way" because even though she has made bad experience in the past, she still has hope that she will find the right one finally. On the other hand it might be interpreted as a song about a woman who uses to have sex with the guys but doesn't wand to start deeper relationships with them because real love can turn out painful. (She likes to have a 'higher pulse rate' but doesn't want to have a 'broken heart'”

***

“As for the meaning of the song,i think it's simply about how the word love is just thrown around in a relationship,without any real thought,I saying you love someone,doesn't mean anything if you continue to hurt them,and the guy in the song is just using the word love to make up for all the hurt,which is just unacceptable to the woman.Now i'm a guy but I agree with this song because I feel that also if a girl hurts a guy and tries to make up for the hurt by using the word love,it's meaningless and unacceptable.”

Sorry - Justin Bieber

Co-writer Julia Michaels:

“I immediately thought back to the time that my boyfriend and I broke up. Three months later he came back to my door and was like, ‘I’m really sorry.’ Everyone can relate to fucking up and asking for mercy.

We were just trying to capture that moment in a relationship or a particular moment in your life where you realize you made a mistake and you’re finally ready to admit it and apologize.”

Latch - Sam Smith

I’ve already done a song analysis on this:

https://scottandtessasactinglessons.tumblr.com/post/172574202160/music-over-analysis-101-latch-so-im-going-to

Tessa said this:

The whole program wants to show fragility and strength, especially to find strength in fragility, and always have to pay and get in a relationship In the first part of the music, Scott lifts me up and supports me with the body. In second part their relationship becomes complicated, full of struggle, resentment and confusion. But in the end they are happy, free and in love. “We have more specific story line, but we wouldn’t tell about it” said Virtue with a smile. “Then we want to go on and see, how this relationship can unfold. We will work on it with our art director.”

From the internet experts:

“Latch's message is never let go love, of key-to-lock (or latch). The video shows couples who barely met becoming intimate. By just focusing on the instant and choosing couples who can't be that man-to-woman latch-to-key lifelong relationship, the video basically misses the point of the lyrics. The meaning of Disclosure Latch can be found in the keywords "shackle" "wrapped" "locked" or even Latch. The words evoke things that bind two together in an unbreakable union. All of these go tied with the most frequent word in the song: "Never." (21 times!) The love Latch sings about is a love never supposed to end, a lock that will never let go. This is the way love is meant to feel. And the feelings are meant to make us live a commitment of never let go.”

Come what May - Ewan MacGregor and Nicole Kidman

This doesn’t really need much analysis. The meaning is pretty obvious. But here’s some expert analysis anyway:

“...but rather it is saying that not matter what other extraneous stuff is going on in their lives, they are saying it doesnt matter, hence "come what may" because they are still going to love each other no matter what else occurs...”

“The song plays an important role in the film. When the forbidden strong and close romantic relationship between Christian and Satine has been discovered, Christian pens this romance song and includes it in the musical he is currently writing. Each time either of them sings this song, they can secretly declare their equally deep and true romantic love for each other.”

Long Time Running - Tragically Hip

It appears that no one really knows how to interpret this song. I read interpretations ranging from it’s a song about divorce and depression to people who are planning to use it at their wedding.

Now I could go into what I think but it’s already been done beautifully by wishfulwannabee:

“Not only have they both said that they relate to this program and the song mirrors their relationship, but let’s take a look at both the program and the song. If you look at the lyrics, the song is actually quite heartbreaking and follows two people in love who can never seem to find a good way to get together. The lyrics changes from “it’s a grave mistake” to “it’s the same mistake” to “it’s a great mistake”, so obviously the song evolves with the relationship. “We don’t go anywhere, just on trips” hits me bc it’s like they test out the waters of the relationship but it never goes anywhere. It’s honestly a song filled with so many emotions and a messy relationship that wants to be somewhere but stumbles along the way to getting there. Now let’s just briefly talk about the program (which they choreographed themselves btw). For me, it seems that the “characters” are trying to chase after each other. There is never a moment where they both want each other. Whenever one is chasing, the other isn’t looking their way. It seems like there was never a good time for them to both want each other the same way at the same time. Until the end when they come together the way that they started. In unison. On the same page.”

http://wishfulwannabe.tumblr.com/post/172369040350/ok-but-we-dont-talk-about-tessa-and-scotts-long

Here are some other thoughts from the internet experts:

“Part of what makes The Tragically Hip so unique as artists is that their work appeals on many different levels simultaneously, much like the song “Long Time Running.” It’s a beautiful, gut-wrenching ballad even if you don’t listen to the lyrics. If you pay any passing attention to them, you add a hint of whimsicality to the proceedings. But if you dig deeper, and if you have a background that’s at all rooted in the same influences or spaces that permeate the band’s storytelling, then you’re granted a song that encompasses regret, longing, heartache, and a clever undercurrent of Canadiana and esoteric references.”

***

“I believe this speaks on history. Likely as with everyone there were dark times endured with having to live through a break in relationships in some points in his life. I feel like he had a core feeling long ago he had a path he was meant to follow. Part of path with his huge heart we could see was to help bring ppl together( through music ). In all respects the song is looking so strong to become one of Canada’s treasured love songs about perseverance of various aspects of life in sickness as well as love and or success. And a heartfelt turned gently into a eulogy as well that’s sang with such perfect emotion you can feel the pain exhaustion as well accomplished goal - happy with how you lived out your life.”

You Rock My World - Michael Jackson

The experts say:

“MJ is saying that this girl he loves has a profound positive affect in his life, and sexual satisfaction…and he is willing to give everything he owns to keep her.”

“Michael has finally found someone who makes him feel whole. This girl obviously feels like the missing link he has been waiting for.”

“He goes on to describe a truthful love because this girl is herself. He never wants her to change and he tells her that in these lyrics.”

“Michael never thought he would find a Love like hers that is so uncommon, and he feels lucky and honored to be able to have it.”

And finally, this from a website that was just some random guy ranting about GOD and SEX and SIN and SEX and SPIRITUALITY and SEX and the DEVIL and SEX with a little LUST thrown in for good measure.

“YOU ROCK MY WORLD is marinated in sexual juices from its very beginning. It was conceived in the steamy rock-pop culture of the late Michael Jackson.

So then, THE ORIGINAL AND REAL MEANING of YOU ROCK MY WORLD comes from Michael Jackson being rocked into a SEXUAL FRENZY. You flip me out! You rock my boat. You get it on! You send me over the top! You take me beyond all limitations! You break all barriers! You rock me into rapture! Give it to me! Come on girl!

“I am reminded of the words of Shakespeare:

“LUST IS THE EXPENSE OF THE SPIRIT IN A WASTE OF

SHAME. IT SQUANDERS THE ENERGIES OF LIFE.”

But this guy might be on to something because he closes with this:

“THAT MAN WHO IS ADDICTED TO SENSUALISM AND

FLESHLY APPETITES WILL HAVE LITTLE

APPETITE FOR THE SPIRITUAL WHICH

IS SEASONED BY VIRTUE.”

What a perfect way to wrap this little story up!

So to recap:

We’re totally in love, but we keep missing each other and/or we just can't make it work (Stay).

We’re ending this long journey (competitive skating) and we’re moving into the unknown (separate lives - Into the Mystic).

Ummm, detour! Usher singing about oral sex! PERFECT! The children in the audience won’t understand! (Good Kisser).

I love you, but I don’t know how you feel about me. (HWIK).

I love you, I want to be with you, but I’m afraid of getting hurt. (WLGTDWI).

I screwed up, I’m sorry, it’ll never happen again (Sorry).

Yes, we’re scared, but we love each other and we’re going to take a chance and commit to being together (Latch).

We’re declaring our true, deep romantic and secret love for each other. And no matter what happens, we’ll always be together (Come What May).

Now, we’re wrapping up our skating career and we’re finally on the same page and our current relationship was worth the wait (Long time running).

Now, everything is perfect, this is what we’ve been waiting for and yes, the sex is amazing (YRMW)!

Phew!

#virtuemoir #Scott and Tessa #music #analysis

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vampiresofabbeyroad · 3 years

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20 Jan 2022

Today’s win:

Oh my fucking god I’m on cloud 9 right now!!

Started my day rushing quite a bit, did a bit of research while on commute, then had my appraisal (which went really well). I’m surprised by how confident I can speak these days. Then had a team bonding sesh over lunch, which also went super well. I love my freaking team, we had a blast. I love how we’ve become friends.

Then did a bit of admin stuff and stayed in the office while waiting to celebrate a pitch we’ve won!! It’s a huge account and we’re gonna hire more people and I’m excited to just meet new people honestly. We had champagne, some local treats, and had a bit of socialising fun with my colleagues. We laughed like bitches. We were reminiscing about the past year, how involved we’ve been in each others’ lives. Oh! Before the celebration, we walked and had coffee at this new coffee/brownie shop near our office and we spent a good hour laughing, waiting for my oat milk matcha latte (I had to order oat milk cuz of diarrhoea #TMI), we walked in the rain, talked some more. All in all, that moment in the office, today, made me realise how lucky I am to be able to share these kinds of experiences with people I work with. How lucky I am to do what I love and have the support of these people. “Oh you wanna do more writing? Let’s make sure you have more opportunities to do that!” And they put me on a new brief with new challenges, and while it’s a struggle for me to navigate all these changes, the learning curve has been quite steep. I’m also getting to talk to a lot more people and be mentored by such creative but humble people. I know that teenage TJ would be so proud. She dreamt of this. She dreamt to be able to do creative work for a living.

I remember how devastated I was when I didn’t get into a local uni, but it’s true what they say about everything happening for a reason. Life gave me SUCH BETTER OPPORTUNITIES. Fuck. It makes me cry just thinking about it.

Anyway, I went home and drank some more since I already started in the office. I danced with my sister to some Paramore songs, which was wholesome. Then I had an almost 2-hour call with my bff. She updated me on her life, I updated her on mine. And she said a lot of things that really blew my fucking mind.

Side track, i have been reconnecting and talking to a lot more people the past few weeks and it’s been helping a lot. It’s been helping me unpack what I’ve been through and they’ve been helping me validate my feelings given that I really didn’t feel like I could do so with my ex.

ANYWAYYYYYY, she told me that she knows how I am as a person. I’ve known her since we were 15. She knows how understanding and empathetic I am (not to gas myself up). She knows I would’ve understood and accepted my ex’s decision to be friends with whoever he fucking wants. But the fact that he is who he is - condescending, insecure, had no goals, made me insecure about the relationship. In her words, “If he was actually a good person and he treated you right from the beginning, you would’ve been more secure about him being friends with his ex” WHICH IS FUCKING TRUE???? I already had inhibitions about him as a person. I wasn’t overreacting. GOD. It’s so clear to me now.

She also reminded me to not blame myself for opening up. It just goes to show that they’re not the right people.

If anything, this experience reminds me a lot of my breakdown after JC. I never would’ve realised what I wanted if life didn’t show me what I DIDN’T WANT.

Honestly, life is too short to surround yourself with people who won’t positively impact your life. I mean, I actually thought that my ex and I could heal our childhood traumas together, or at least grow together in some way. But it seemed like he wanted to be stuck where he is/was (given him choosing his past). It’s really not my problem anymore. Nor was it my problem ever. I can’t believe I even tried to go to counselling to help myself help him navigate his mental illness. I guess you really can’t help people who don’t wanna help themselves. It’s on him to heal from his own past trauma. I’m just opening myself up to more deserving people in my life, and I’m being patient and I’m more than excited.

This year is gonna be exciting. I feel like I’m just growing so much as a person in my 20s. I’m learning about what I won’t settle for - whether it’s with friends or romantic relationships.

I feel like i’ve fulfilled whatever I want to fulfil in my early twenties, which is such an amazing feeling. I found my people then, and I’m ready to attract the right people in the second half of my twenties. I’m only 26. I have so much more to explore.

#well

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kurtwarren54 · 4 years

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Pregnancy 2 // First Trimester

Figured I would do an update on how the first trimester was for Baby 2! Things have been different and more intense the second time around! Excited to share the details with you below.

WEIGHT GAINED

I haven’t tracked my exact weight for JUST the first trimester but at my 16 week appt I had gained 9 pounds which my dr said was normal and on track! I will say the pounds started packing on WAY faster this second time around. Almost to the point I was freaked out. But you have to think that everything is growing and taking shape faster and as long as I am on track with my doctor I am feeling great. It is always also strange coming off fertility treatment into pregnancy because I am not fully myself. I had been doing fertility medication for almost a year and that always adds some start weight. But, like I said, it’s all part of my story. All part of my process. And honestly, the fact that I am here, it all doesn’t matter. I am so grateful to be pregnant and have a healthy baby!!

HOW I’M FEELING: PHYSICALLY

Nausea

GOOD GOD. My nausea was 10x worse this time around. At 6 weeks, I went on diclegis prescription for nausea and took 2 pills at night. Despite being on meds, I still struggled through most of my first trimester with extreme nausea. Luckily I did not have vomiting but man… the nausea was REALLY bad. To be honest with you, none of the “tricks” worked for me either. Sure snacks, small meals, ginger, etc etc but nope. Massive unrelenting nausea. The hardest part about it is that being the mom to a toddler means you don’t have the luxury of resting like you do as a first time pregnant woman. Having to take care of an active child while struggling with feeling ill is miserable. I have to thank Blake for pretty much taking over the minute he would be done with work to help me as I was doubled over on the couch. It was rough. And rough knowing just how long the first trimester is. What I did make sure to do was ALWAYS have a snack in the mid afternoon. If I didn’t have some kind of snack between 2-4pm, I would be even more miserable. Saltine crackers were always on my nightstand along with bold chex mix, and goldfish.

Growing pains

I experienced some more intense round ligament pain in my groin area this time around. I noticed it mostly at night. Especially when I needed to lawn, or sneeze or make a bigger movement I would get a twitch of pain from it.

Pregnancy Brain

Like my first pregnancy, pregnancy brain is a REAL THING. I swear the moment I got pregnant my brain turned to mush. It’s hard to explain but I can’t remember anything to save my life. Lol!

Exhaustion

I was a new level of tired being pregnant and chasing a toddler. Truth be told being in a pandemic didn’t help either. Not being able to take him places etc. I was very tired but the sickness bothered me more than being tired.

Constipation

Sorry if that’s TMI but wow the constipation was bad this time around. The first month or two was tough and I know it also has alot to do with how much progesterone is in my body. Since I wasn’t drinking coffee after my transfer right away, it was extra tough. I always feel like coffee gets me moving. HA! I know. So much TMI. You’re welcome.

Baby bump

This time around I feel my belly popped out a lot sooner! At 14 weeks I feel I had a tiny little bump. I am sure I will look back and be like, WOW that wasn’t much of a bump but it’s when I felt there was a defined transformation.

HOW I’M FEELING: MENTALLY

I think similarly to my first pregnancy, after so much loss (with each of our failed embryo transfers) you keep waiting and holding your breath as each week passes you by. Each week it’s own milestone. And you find yourself thinking, “Oh I will feel good once I hear the heart beat!” “Oh I will feel good when I hit the second trimester.” But really, I think there is always a sense of unease as you move through the process. I think it’s healthy to be a little bit nervous. It’s honest. I think things have just been more stressful with the fact that we are still in a global pandemic because of Covid-19. That has put alot of stress on us keeping our family safe during these times and staying as isolated as we can while also being aware of taking care of our mental health. We are very fortunate living where we do to be able to spend time together outdoors and that has been great for the mind and body. Really, I go to bed, and wake up every day just so damn grateful knowing that I am growing life and repeating to myself that I AM PREGNANT. And THIS IS OUR CHANCE. This is our miracle. It’s been such an emotional roller coaster to get to this point and really, despite any outside stressors buzzing around, I am just so grateful and smile so big everyday knowing that next Summer I get to make Otis a big brother.

WHAT I’M EATING

First trimester for me was CARBS. CARBS and MORE CARBS. Honestly most days I barely had an appetite because of how sick I felt but I know how important it was to nourish my body. So I would basically have to force myself to have my meals. ESPECIALLY when it came to dinner. I had no appetite at all at night. It was bad.

That being said, I didn’t have any coffee for weeks. First off because I avoid caffeine after my embryo transfer and didn’t feel comfortable drinking it until after I heard the heartbeat. At a certain point, when my nausea would allow in the am and I was in the mood for coffee, I started to drink it again. I started with decaf but then had some headaches and my doctor always encourages me to have 1 cup of caffeine to help with my headaches. What I was drinking and couldn’t stop was bubble water (or carbonated water) whatever you like to call it. I usually prefer lukewarm drinks but this pregnancy I was craving ICED COLD bubble water. We actually ended up getting this carbonated water maker and we literally use it EVERY SINGLE DAY. For some reason the cold bubble water just helped with my nausea believe it of not.

Thankfully eggs were a lifesaver for me and I could tolerate them. My favorite go to breakfast that didn’t make me want to throw up: a piece of toast, a tiny bit of mayo, and a sliced hard boiled egg with salt and pepper. I basically ate that every day. I also had a lot of bagels with cream cheese when I wasn’t feeling great. Food was just tough so we didn’t meal plan as much so I could eat more what I could stomach that day.

As the first trimester went on, I was able to eat more regularly. I always try to eat protein for breakfast (like egg) to help really nourish me. I also try to make smarter choices and slip some protein in my afternoon snack. My favorites: string cheese, chocolate covered almonds, toast or apples with almond butter. Don’t get me wrong, some days I have a bowl of chips, a cupcake, or something else that is naughty. I think it’s all about balance and sometimes, you just have to indulge.

HOW I’M SLEEPING

First trimester sleep was rough. With the waking up to pee almost every night that was one element. It’s likely the hormone changes that always get to me. Last pregnancy I had to take unisom to get some form of normal sleep. Since I started the diclegis at 6 weeks with 2 pills at night, I found that helped me sleep MUCH better. So for now, I am sleeping ok. Some nights are better than others. I do toss and turn alot.

EXERCISE

I didn’t really work out at all till at least around 10-11 weeks. Of course I was doing my daily walks with Otis etc and getting my steps in and my blood pumping. But I wanted to take it easy and honestly I didn’t have the energy to do anything before then. Starting at 11 weeks I started short 10 minute workouts on my elliptical that we have in our garage and Blake got me for Christmas. I try to do that, or just walk briskly on our treadmill for 10-15 minutes. There are weeks I barely get 1 “workout” if you even want to call it that. Basically I just try to get my blood pumping whether I am walking for Otis’ morning walk or doing something else. I also started prenatal yoga class (virtually online) every week and its been music ot my soul. Great stretching and a great time for me to sit and connect with my body and the baby. It’s something I really enjoyed while pregnant with Otis so it’s a sense of comfort being able to participate even from my computer at home.

MEDS IM TAKING

For most of the first trimester, I stayed on alot of my IVF medications. I stayed on my prednisone steroids till 9 weeks and then weaned down my estrogen patches as well as weaned down to 1 progesterone injection a day. During this time, I did get some hormonal headaches with all the fluctuations but luckily they weren’t horrible and only lasted 2 days. I finally was able to stop all my meds (with the exception of baby aspirin and my diclegis) at my graduation appointment from the fertility clinic at 12 weeks!!! This was a HUGE milestone after literally doing injections and taking medications for almost a year in prep for each of my FET (frozen embryo transfer) cycles.

CHALLENGES

The biggest hurdles this pregnancy have been knowing and believing that feeling like crap would likely get better at the end of the first trimester. After a year of hormone meds, and then feeling awful my first trimester, a UTI, a yeast infection from the meds of the UTI (sorry TMI!!) I got to the point where being in my own skin was just frustrating. Being pregnant is a WILD things because your body is completely taken over. It’s beautiful in many ways and also still really emotionally challenging in others. I am so thankful to see the light at the end of the tunnel of the first tri. But anyone else that is “IN IT” my heart hugs yours mamas. It’s tough!!

WHAT I’M WEARING

I feel everything comes on sooner with the second pregnancy and the need for stretchy things came sooner. When it comes to leggings, I still wear my pre-pregnancy lululemon align leggings which are high rise and so stretchy as well as my alo leggings that are really soft and a little lower rise. Both still fit comfortably and fit over my growing body. Toward the end of my first trimester, I ended up buying these maternity leggings from beyond yoga and I LOVE them. They feel like second skin and are so buttery soft. They come all the way up over your bump or you can also fold it down to go under. Highly suggest them as they are SO comfy.

Also because I don’t leave my house often (because of Covid-19) I wear a ton of sweats. These sets from Michael Stars have been a guilty pleasure because they are SO soft and made of terry material. I also love my sweat set from Tan Lines that Sivan sent over. The material is SO soft and I feel like a cool mom in them. Although Blake made fun of my crop top sweater. HE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT IS COOL!!! I do enjoy wearing more cropped tops when pregnant to let the belly have it’s little bit of room. I did end up getting one pair of maternity denim from jbrand that actually fit great toward the end of my first trimester also. Will report back when I wear them out. Equally stretchy too.

I did buy 3 bras from skims that I have been loving too. This scoop bra, this triangle bra and this nursing bra are all GREAT. I wanted to see what the hype was about with this brand and I have to say the materials are ON POINT. VERY comfy. If you plan to order, SIZE UP and size up big time. I got at least size L in everything because my boobs are enormous now and I feel their stuff runs small. I also have a ton of bras from Otis’ pregnancy. From last pregnancy, I have my hatch and bravado bras that I wear weekly also.

It’s different for the second pregnancy because you start showing and feeling bigger sooner (at least in my case) so you are in that in between period of not fully having a bump but feeling large and awkward if that makes sense. I have to say, a perk of pandemic life is the fact that I am mostly in lounge wear so I have been able to avoid real clothes for most of the first trimester aside from doctors appointments etc.

SELF LOVE

First trimester was just really challenging with not feeling well constantly. Hard to give yourself self love, in a pandemic, with no childcare help. If anything, I tried to listen to my body, and lay down when Otis was napping and try my best to give my body the much needed rest it was craving. Nearing the end of the first tri, showers and a blow dry were my self care routine and even an at home mani/pedi. Feeling better was already such a treat and allowed me the time to do some other things for myself. I think it’s just so important to listen to your body and slow down when you need it.

FIRST TRIMESTER PURCHASES

Purchases for me:

Skims scoop bra

Skim maternity nursing bra

Skims triangle bra

Beyond yoga maternity capri leggings

Aarke water carbonator

Lululemon align leggings

Summer fridays babymoon belly balm

Purchases for baby:

Kyte baby rainbow onesie

Kyte baby toddler blanket

Moby mickey wrap (blake bought this for me!)

Letterfolk sign

Masongrey baby bundle

BABY PREPARATIONS

So we didn’t do much to prep for baby in the first trimester except for me sharing our good news with my good friend (and interior design guru) Anne! She helped to plan out the interiors of our whole home including master bedroom, living and dining rooms, and most recently Otis’ nursery. I basically texted her and forced her to dream up Baby #2 nursery ideas so we are currently working on that! IT’S GOING TO BE EPIC.

WHAT’S NEXT

I am looking forward to more ultrasounds!!!! I can not WAIT for my anatomy scan at 20 weeks to get some more face time with baby. Other than that, it’s check off each week as an incredible milestone and try to remain as active as I can to help get my body strong for delivery again. It’s exciting to near the half mark and be buying things for baby, talking to Otis about the baby and just imagining our life together as a family. I honestly am still in shock everyday. I feel lucky everyday. Our rainbows have brighten out life immensely and I am so excited to continue to share our journey with you all. Big love from all of us.

The post Pregnancy 2 // First Trimester appeared first on eat.sleep.wear. - Fashion & Lifestyle Blog by Kimberly Lapides.

from Wellness https://www.eatsleepwear.com/2021/02/17/pregnancy-2-first-trimester/ via http://www.rssmix.com/

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elizabethcariasa · 4 years

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Pregnancy 2 // First Trimester

Figured I would do an update on how the first trimester was for Baby 2! Things have been different and more intense the second time around! Excited to share the details with you below.

WEIGHT GAINED

HOW I’M FEELING: PHYSICALLY

Nausea

Growing pains

Pregnancy Brain

Like my first pregnancy, pregnancy brain is a REAL THING. I swear the moment I got pregnant my brain turned to mush. It’s hard to explain but I can’t remember anything to save my life. Lol!

Exhaustion

Constipation

Baby bump

HOW I’M FEELING: MENTALLY

WHAT I’M EATING

HOW I’M SLEEPING

EXERCISE

MEDS IM TAKING

CHALLENGES

WHAT I’M WEARING

SELF LOVE

FIRST TRIMESTER PURCHASES

Purchases for me:

Skims scoop bra

Skim maternity nursing bra

Skims triangle bra

Beyond yoga maternity capri leggings

Aarke water carbonator

Lululemon align leggings

Summer fridays babymoon belly balm

Purchases for baby:

Kyte baby rainbow onesie

Kyte baby toddler blanket

Moby mickey wrap (blake bought this for me!)

Letterfolk sign

Masongrey baby bundle

BABY PREPARATIONS

WHAT’S NEXT

The post Pregnancy 2 // First Trimester appeared first on eat.sleep.wear. - Fashion & Lifestyle Blog by Kimberly Lapides.

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laneywritesstuff · 4 years

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July 26th, 2020 Sunday

Today is one of those days where I feel sick to my very core. Not in a sense that it’s a normal common cold where I’ll have a cough, feel like shit for a few days, then get better but more in an I can feel my body fall apart and now I’m questioning my own mortality sort of way.

I know I shouldn’t frame this as a common occurrence when it stems from my mental illnesses but I’m not sure how else to frame it to someone who’s neurotypical.

In reality, I think it’s a combination of ibs and my anxiety eating away at my stomach lining.

My throat burns, I get tired easily, and when I pee I can feel the strain on my bladder like a weight is pressing down on it (was that TMI yeah but I needed to get my symptoms out there).

I also haven’t had much of an appetite in days and when I do my stomach doesn’t like digesting anything I eat.

It feels like I swallowed fire and now it’s eating me alive on the inside. If I turned the lights off in my room I’d probably glow in the dark.

I was watching the second to last episode of the HBO miniseries I’ll Be Gone in the Dark with my dad earlier and they briefly discuss what let to the author’s death.

As someone who has struggled with suicidal ideation and self harm the wounds inside me from all the times I actively tried to end my own life opened up as I watched a eulogy to a wonderful woman who died silently suffering.

I don’t usually talk about the ways in which I’ve actively tried to harm myself over the years because I’m never quite sure how to approach it. That’s why I’ve left it to my writing.

Between these pages I’m free to share as much or as little as I want, free of judgement.

Sadly, for much of my life I’ve hated myself and I’ve taken it out on my own body.

I suppose it’s because the villain in my own story often ends up being me and I think it’s only just to punish myself for all the evils I’ve brought into this earth.

Because of this I’ve watched my body fall apart and piece itself back together more times than I can count but each time it’s happened it’s taken more and more out of me.

I sometimes wonder how close I am to being an empty shell of a person existing in body but not in spirit. I’d like to think of myself as a warrior kicking all my demons to the curb and moving through each task like it’s nothing.

But the truth is my demons will always lurk just beneath the surface and they draw me to do awful things to myself.

On nights like tonight I lie in bed lost in a sea of thoughts and pain and I wonder if I’ll ever even make it through the night. Will I see the sunrise tomorrow or is this it?

Will my last moments be tinged with unresolved agony and sadness? I hope not but I know that tomorrow is never a guarentee. What I really want above all else is to heal. I want to heal the years if I acknowledged pain I kept inside for so long I nearly imploded on many occasions.

I want to wake up tomorrow and free myself down all the hurts that continue to linger inside of me day in and day out to free some more space for love and compassion.

I want to watch as the invisible poisons that threaten to consume me from the inside our sew out of my body into pools of tar.

Most of all I’d like to lighten the weights hat threaten to break my back everyday.

The weight of expectation, fulfillment, hopelessness And depression (that son of a bitch)

Today I felt myself fading out of existence as my body continues to break down. It’s preparing for me to leave sooner rather than later.

And quite frankly I don’t like thinking that I’ve overstayed my welcome in both this body and life.

I’d like to think that I’m more than just a lost cause, a martyr for a writer who never saw the fruits of her own labor.

All I have is this very moment. The time I’ve already spent on this earth has come and gone and the future will forever remain frustratingly out of reach.

But for now I have the present, and I’m thankful for that small gift at least.

~Laney Moon

#journal #july 2020 #july #summer #summer 2020

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failing-at-every-thing · 7 years

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Second day meds update (extremely long and boring wall of text): Work went so well, it was the most calm and peaceful day of work I’ve ever had. I didn’t sleep well last night (not surprising) so I was still a little tired, but I made it through my whole shift with ZERO CAFFEINE. People close to me know I’m usually only fully functioning after at least half a pot of coffee and about four hours, but today I woke up with extreme difficulty as usual, ate something and medicated, and I was fully functioning and not anxiety ridden by 10am. It’s also worth noting that I was able to wake up by NINE. Food was a little bit of a struggle for me in that I’m not hungry at all and everything looks unappealing. I still got in a full meal and snacks, along with 7000 gallons of water though! Everyone’s suggestions were super helpful and I’ll be grocery shopping tomorrow for as much high-calorie, nutrient-rich snack food as I can find, and someone also messaged me about taking flintstones vitamins a couple times a day to balance out the things I’m missing if I’m only hitting a couple food groups a day. I hate crashing, but my crash today is still better than most days without my meds. I can definitely tell that it has worn off when it does, I instantly lose my entire thought process and start losing things right away, I’ve noticed that I get my teeth grinding and jaw clenching back about a half an hour before the dose is up, and I start to stutter over words again. The stutter is actually getting very bad when I come down, it’s like my mouth gets used to not having to deal with it, and it doesn’t know what to do when I start needing to focus on speech. Even though that is a bit of a bummer, I am totally willing to deal with that if it means that I can have a few hours of peace in my own mind. Negatives for today: -no appetite -coming down sucks ): -a touch of insomnia -a sprinkle of dry mouth -headache Positives!: -Able to wake up in the morning -Anxiety is at a really good level for me -It’s so much easier to initiate and continue conversations with my friends and family. -I don’t “pocket check” for things I have on my person as much, I know where most stuff is all the time -My emotions are at a solid level where I can appreciate and enjoy a good (or bad) moment for what it is without a constant feeling of tension and anxiety. -I am more productive by far than I have been for years. -No jaw clenching or fidgeting when I’m medicated, sadly though my jaw is clenched while writing this. -Interrupting people on accident is at an all-time-low, I am able to process the information being told to me *and* keep my own thought to say in response at the same time, without fear of my brain auto-deleting it. -Executive functioning skills are crawling back in, prioritizing and remembering tasks like taking a shower, brushing my teeth, closing a cabinet after opening it, and taking off my shoes/jacket when I come home have always been impossible for me, I didn’t understand how people remembered to do 1000 tiny things in a day, but it’s really just that I don’t have the extra brainpower when I’m also thinking and panicking about yesterday, today, tomorrow, and Anderson Cooper all at the same time. -Most of all, the best side effect is that I not only have lost my sense of anxiety and dread at the end of the day, I’m looking forward to waking up in the morning to have another great day. I usually have about 10 things on my planner on any day, 99% of which are undone with a note as to why. Things like “call the kids” were scratched out a week ago with (for example) “it’s annoying for mom, can’t do it” when that’s not even true. Today and yesterday I scratched off all but one thing (which was buying something nice for myself) because they were COMPLETED!! ** I know my meds/MI posts are a little TMI that you didn’t ask for, but if I would have seen someone publicly go through the details of their experience with adderall a few years ago, I would have been in a completely different place in life today. It also helps a lot to keep track of my experience so I can stay confident that this is the best route for me. I won’t be offended by anyone unfollowing me, I know seeing a wall of text on your Facebook isn’t that fun, but if I can put my experience out there and help to normalize the process of medicating for mental illness, it’s worth anyone getting annoyed with my novels. Also, thanks to everyone who has been supportive of me, especially in the past few months and years, you are all responsible for me being able to live a better life.

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