#[ im stubborn enough to where ill still try to post at least once a day still LMAO but there just might be a teeny slowdown with posts !! ]

[kittycatred]

(Head pats)

I wish you the best of luck.

(Disappears into black smoke)

-Weird anon

thanks...!

wow....am i really that exhausted to where im seeing floating hands now disappearing into smoke now...?

[courtney-deserved-better]

whats ur writing schedule/process like! not in a “write faster” way, but i think once you mentioned writing in script form? and i like the way you wrote ur most recent fic! just curious bc ur works are just really good :)

this is a great question!!

if its not slippery slopes, ill usually get an idea for something and periodically jot down notes when they come to me until I feel like i have enough information to start writing (or if im just motivated), that's what i did for my horror challenge rewrite. and for stuff that's like... rewrites of an episode that aren't as character-focused as slippery slopes, i usually read the episode transcripts and try to replicate that total drama style with my own writing

for shorter oneshots, i usually just get a vague idea and run with it until i find a good ending spot, then i go back and clean it up a bit so the structure works

slippery slopes is an... interesting cycle. chapters are getting long enough that i cant just write them in one sitting any more (i think ch5 was the last chapter i did that for) and instead ill agonize over the beginning (always the hardest part to write for me) but once i get going with that i usually finish the chapter within a few days. then i reread the previous chapter to make sure it flows ok (and there aren't any contradictions) and then ill give myself a break where i dont do anything total drama related before coming back to edit and post. though before I do all that I type up notes and rough dialogue bits

and then once i post it it's like... a weight off my chest? like ive been purged or something?? idk its a weird sensation but im just like i Physically Cannot Write Anything For This Right Now and i don't start on the next chapter until that goes away. and then i either start the beginning and do nothing for a week before going back and finishing the chapter or i go into a manic state and write nonstop for a few days. right now i haven't reached a point where im ready to begin writing chapter 10 but i have a lot of notes for it.

(also as soon as i finish posting a chapter i try not to go on my laptop for like 12 hours so i don't obsessively refresh my email for comments. i love reading comments so much holy shit. please comment guys it makes fic authors feel so happy we will love you for it)

as for scripts: i am working on being a writer professionally, but specifically a playwright. writing in a script format comes more naturally to me than writing prose. funnily enough, i started posting fanfic just to practice my prose (and fix stuff in cobra kai that i didnt like) but things sort of... ended up here? idk man but im enjoying it.

right, so because writing in a script format is easier when im really struggling with a section in a fic ill usually scrap whatever i had and write it like a script, then translate that into prose. i was very excited to write the family videos for chapter 9 of slippery slopes, but i was Having Issues, so i redid it as a script and then rewrote that as prose. ill put the script version under the cut if you're interested in that.

but thank you so much for the question!! i do think my writing process is a bit unconventional but hey i think things are turning out well! if you have any more questions feel free to send them in!!

ok here is the last scene of ch 9 of slippery slopes in script format:

[SIERRA]

MOM: Hi honey! Omigosh this is so exciting! I bet you’re having such a great time! Especially since Chris is there! Is Chris watching this? Hi Chris! You know, I loooved you on that ice skating show. Your hair was fantastic! Well, it always is, haha. Do you really make your own hair gel? I’ve been trying to perfect the recipe but you’re just so hard to track down! Oh, you’re such a funny guy! I laughed sooo hard when you made all those jokes about marrying Chef.

Chef: hey!

Chris: ok just for the record, I wasn’t joking, we are married, Sierra tell your mom we’re married

Sierra: …can we just turn it off please

[COURTNEY]

DAD: Courtney, sayang, I know you’ve been going through a lot right now—

MOM: So you’d BETTER make it count. You’ve made it this far before, I want to see you getting all the way to the finale this time. And winning it. Enough moping about those hideous, good-for-nothing slackers! That’s what you get for hanging around freaks like them. You’re doing this for the million, now get the million. Is that clear?

ZARINA: And kick ass!

DAD: Zarina!

Video cuts out.

Alejandro: courtney you good?

Courtney: no, she’s right. Mama didn’t raise no quitter

Alejandro: [knows she’s still upset about duncan and gwen]

[ALEJANDRO]

MOM: Hola, Alejandro. We hope you are doing well, especially in such unsavory conditions. I’m glad to see you’ve made it to the final four— we expected nothing less, of course.

DAD: You have been utilizing your skills quite well. Though I wish you hadn’t been so… blatant about it. You’ll have to work twice as hard once this is over to convince people you’re trustworthy. But surely you were aware of that going into this… odd endeavor. That’s just politics. Reputation is everything.

JOSE: [snorts] Oh, and what a reputation you have, Al. I could easily compile hours of footage of your failures, but I, unlike you, do not waste my time on the frivolities of reality television. Though you always have been lacking in taste. Especially with that bratty girlfriend of yours— oh, my mistake, aren’t you dating the whiny weakling? It’s so hard to keep track! [laughs]

Alejandro: callate!

MOM: I’m sure Alejandro is just working an angle on them.

DAD: Whatever the case is, do not disappoint us.

[NOAH]

MOM: Hi Noah, I’m sorry, I don’t have time to record a full video, but I’m proud of you! Here are your sisters!

ISWARI: A million dollars? A million [bleep] dollars? Win it, Noah! Win it!

RUTH: Dude!! This is crazy! I know you can do this— good luck! Ark misses you! [holds up Ark who barks]

MARA: Are you insane? Why aren’t you dating Alejandro already?

Noah: shut up, mara, just because you can’t keep a boyfriend—

ANYA: Don’t let ‘em trick you! No mercy! Crush their skulls if you have to— no, wait, you’re not strong enough for that. We’ll get there!

LIYA: I say this as your sister, someone who loves you but is constantly annoyed by you— for someone who is quite literally a genius, you sure can be an idiot sometimes.

BALLARI: Okay, I literally have no idea how you’ve made it this far without an athletic bone in your body— are we sure you aren’t adopted? I’m kidding

ABS: You’re stubborn as hell when it comes to me, so you better be stubborn as hell when it comes to winning! And when you do win, get me a frozen yogurt machine, will you? I promise I won’t make you rock climb again!

JAEL: If you lose this, I’ll kill you with this racket. And then use your guts to make myself a new racket. So don’t fuck it up. Again.

Noah: [frozen, ashamed]

Sierra: well that was a mess

Courtney: ok show of hands, who felt better after hearing that? [no one raises hands]

Chris: yeah I was expecting this to be a lot more heartwarming…

Chef: chris just look at them. If they had stable home lives they wouldn’t be doing reality tv

Alejandro: can we please stop talking about this. Also aren’t you supposed to be flying the plane

Chef: oh fuck

Chris: yeah sure. I think im gonna call my mom

Everyone: …

Noah: ok so that was really shitty. Why dont we all go to first class and try and ignore our problems

Everyone: yeah ok sounds good

***

Courtney: so that sucked

Alejandro: at least your dad seems ok

Courtney: true. What are your guys dads like

Noah and Sierra: bold of you to assume I know my dad. Jinx

***

Alejandro: that last girl… you mentioned a sister who does tennis and hates you

Noah: yep

Alejandro: why?

Noah: none of your business. but… it is pretty justified

[apathycarestostudy]

Hii awesomeness♡ I'm a med student. And its been a really tough year for me personally. On top of that im nearing my exams and i missed a couple of weeks due to illness and that stresses me outsomuch. Between shitty friends and recovering and now this overwhelming guilt and depression i just cant motivate myself n keep thinking i cant make it now anyway so whats the point. Im really sorry i didnt mean to unload this on you.. i just didn't know where to go im sorry to be a bother i really am:(

Hello sweets. If you wanna talk, I'm down anytime. Feel free to take that suggestion anytime (or not, it's all good).

Life is hard. I've always had a tendency to underestimate how bad it can really get, and when I'd fall flat on my face, I would just brush it off and say to myself: "Yeah, whatever, life hit me. Whoopty doo. Is that all you got life?" Thinking that that was it. I'd survived the fall, and now I could pick up from where I left off. But it's not about just surviving the fall –

It's about dealing with the consequences of a fall.

Here I was thinking since I'd made it, that it was a done deal, but then people would point out my battle scars, that those were clear signs that I can't do what I used to do as well as I used to do it, that I'm better off giving up entirely than wasting my time on fixing what was broken. And that's not even the real test yet. The real test is whether or not you're going to listen.

It doesn't have to be people, it can be your thoughts, society – it's just an ugly voice urging you to give up. Give up. How long can you be strong? That's your test. Will you listen and conform and melt into the crowd telling you how your life is and always will be, or will you take control of your own life and make it how you want it to be. You feel like you're already at the bottom, then there's no way to go but up, as cheesy as that sounds. One step forward is still one step further than you were.

I'm an engineering student, and I understand exactly what you're going through because of not just that, but the fact that my sister is a med student too. I see her ghosting by, trying to be nice to everyone so they'd treat her better, coming home after classes only to curl up on her bed and lie there, claiming she was tired and just needed a quick nap before she got to work, only to fall in and out of sleep, get up a once or twice to drink water and go to the washroom, and then curl back under the blankets again. This would continue all afternoon, all night, everyday. She'd sometimes walk up at three in the morning and give herself a pep talk to do her assignments and she'd get them done, but leave a little just so she could go back to class and have something to bond over (incomplete work, everyone rushing to get the answers) with her friends. When exam week rolled around, she'd cram for a second, get frustrated with how slow her progress was, then give up for a moment, saying exactly what you did: what's the point, I'm so behind. She'd get up after a few hours and try to cram again, but it was never good enough. She'd gone from a diligent, hard working student to a depressed mess trying to scrape by on the notion of passing is good enough. She was really stubborn too, so she'd always refuse my help, until we had a cry session together about life and promised we'd listen to each other more. Here comes what I suggested to her.

Drop your fears. Drop your thoughts. Drop everything that is not going to contribute to your goal, unless it's what fuels it. My anger at my morally rancid classmates looking at me like I'm the scum of the earth, talking about me just because I prefer to be quiet, to not go out and shit, that I'm not reactive at all, trying to sabotage any new friends I'd try to make – it fuels me. So if you're like that, hold onto it, kindle it, and blast it where it needs to be blasted. Now that we've removed or controlled our ugly thoughts, you pull out a piece of paper (or a phone for all you new school people ha) and list the days you have left from your exam. Let's say it's three. Now divide your workload amongst those three days, and do not give yourself more than what you can do. Let that be a guide for you.

What if you've got 1000 slides and two hours before an exam? This is where your judgement comes in. You go through it, ignoring what seems to be trivial information and memorizing the shit out of what seems to be important information. That may sound like a bad tip, but for where we are now, getting one question right in the exam is better that getting nothing right. And that's should be our mentality when we're severely behind.

If you have a guide, or a summary thingy your teacher has made, screw the 1000 slides – that's your saving grace. Memorize the bitch out of that bitch.

Again, I've told her that there's no point in worrying about how behind she was. This kinda goes hand in hand with the leaving your toxic shit at the door, but I thought it would be best to repeat it (since she kept asking). You're already behind. You're already doomed. Worrying and wallowing about it is going to accomplish less than not worrying and wallowing about it. Who do you think is going to soak the information better, someone who's flipping the pages with a concerned look, or a beast with a mission to learn one out of a hundred points? Stick to one thing, and beat it into to your bones. When you feel yourself slipping back to the wallowing, remind yourself that that's a second wasted.

Learn what you can. Do what you can. And after it's all over, do better. Be better. We got up from the fall, we wobbled out with our heads held high, now we need to brandish our faces. Accept your situation. Own your decisions. Stress does nothing for you, so why should you give it a voice?

I have just as much shit as my sister does, I say this because I kinda feel like I might've sounded a bit too righteous, but this Ted talk was getting long and I don't like to talk on situations I don't know fully. I hope this helps (or made you laugh, hopefully it didn't make it worse) or it at least showed you that it's not over yet. You can pm me anytime if you'd like – I made this blog to help myself help people, if that makes sense, so you dropping this in my inbox really made me warm. And then cold, because shit. I feel for you. Thank you for giving me a chance to say something to you, and I hope you not only get better and do better, but be better.

Ask box is open to answer questions and give study and adulting advice. May we all have our ducks in a line.

Posted: 20th Aug 2019

[moonstruck-ffxiv-blog]

(ft @drakenblut)

Warning: long post

[19:10]Louis Chamberlain || How many moons has it been since that fateful day deep inside the Children of the Dawn’s ritual chamber? Six moons. Yes. It has been at good six moons. Louis’ injuries -that had almost killed him- took a long, *long* time to heal. The first week had been a constant battle against a nasty infection that kept cropping up. Pus and necrosis eating away his flesh at an alarming rate (cursed those denizen of the Void!), and if the young man barely survived his encounter with the Lady, --

[19:10]Louis Chamberlain: that week had come very, very close to permanently end him.

[19:10]Louis Chamberlain || For now, he was stable. He has been for the past three moons. On his chest, where previously there was bone showing, only a faint scar was left. Muscles had been mend, bones had regrown and skin regenerated. He was still asleep. Still asleep and refusing to wake up. At least he was alive.

[19:10]Louis Chamberlain opened his eyes. “Alveus! T-The Lady! It’s a trap!” Quick! He had to warn him! If he was to get him, it was the end of all! It has been a ploy all this time! And Abigail! Oh, Echidna, Queen of Monsters, help him! Where was Hawk? He had to find him!

[19:18]The Hawk had been taking care of the other man the entire time , it had been tedious work and at some point he had thought about merely discarding Louis. But it had been only for some minutes before that thought was put away , no. He had some piece of humanity still in him. So Potions he gave him , checked up upon him daily and tried to ignore Zaz  most of the time. But even despite his best attempts progress was slow , even with how time easily flew by for Alveus due to the repetition of everyday >

[19:18]The Hawk | work. Even today was no else , he had checked up upon Louis after waking up and tended to his work and own source of food. And after all that he had returned back home , took a long bath and dried off his hair with a towel. He had just barely put his clothes back on when he heard the sudden scream of Louis. With a decent pace he made his way upwards , the mask discarded in the safety of his home and long strands of brown hair , that had grown a lot in the past months draped over his >

[19:18]The Hawk | shoulder and face. "You are awfully loud." , the voidsent spoke , the gaze of those golden eyes seemingly stronger than before. In general he had changed , his aura had too.

[19:21]Louis Chamberlain: “-W-What?” He tried to sit in the bed he was left in. He couldn’t. What was going on? He couldn’t move? He wiggled his fingers: they obeyed, albeit very weakly and very slowly. “But, but, but… But.” (He shivered. There was something… different about his friend.) “We have… Abigail. It’s.. we can’t stay here. And I can’t move!”

[19:25]The Hawk merely watched the struggle of the other before he shook his head. "Stop panicking." , it sounded more like a command than actual concern , feet carrying the taller voidsent besides the mans bed and settling down there. "Abigail is dead , so is most of the cult." , it was the sad reality Alveus had been faced with , and even if her dead still weighted heavy on him there was nothing he could turn back time with. His words were oddly cold , lips pressed into a thin line as he stared at Louis.>

[19:25]The Hawk | "You were out for months. Are you in any pain?"

[19:29]Louis Chamberlain flinched at the news and this was akin to a slap to the face. He quickly calmed down, confliction emotions passing on his face.  “N...No. I feel okay. No pain.” Silence. He had no idea what to say. “You don’t look okay. You’re… um. I don’t know. Not like you were before… Was it really moons? I slept all this time!”

[19:29]You express your worry with The Hawk.

[19:34]The Hawk tilted his head at him , listening to the concern in Louis voice. "Six - and you should rather be concerned about your own health." Golden eyes looked him over , the other seemed fine enough. No bleeding , no sign of sudden death that could occur. It would be a loss if Louis would now die after the work he had put into him. "I am most well , unlike you." , Alveus hums softly - the hint of violet swirling in his eyes , hidden away like the sheer power of the brown haired.

[19:40]Louis Chamberlain wiggled his fingers again, trying to close his fist. He couldn’t do it. That. That was very concerning. Will he ever be able to hold a bow ever again? “I-I’m so sorry.” (He wasn’t sure why he was apologizing.) “You took care of my all this time… It must… and Abigail is dead. I couldn’t do anythin’. We got played like a g-godsdamn fiddle. And all of that for the Heart of Sammy that wasn’t even existin’.” (He bit his lower lip.) “I can’t sit.”

[19:43]The Hawk stayed silent , only letting out a gentle sigh at the end of Louis speech. "Its not your fault. I agreed to come with them." , it was the truth. If he had merely denied and killed them off right at the spot and would have told Abigail this would have never happened. Yet the fear of her discovering what he is brought this all to an bloody end. "You're pushing yourself too quick. Dont rush it."

[19:46]Louis Chamberlain: “How can I hunt if I can’t move? Do you think I’ll ever…” (He let his voice trailed off.) “...be like before? Or did I change forever? I-I don’t want to change!”

[19:49]The Hawk | "Youre panicking again." Brown hair falls into the mans face as he shakes his head at the concern of Louis. It is a concept that was hard to grasp for him , emotions are a thing he is still learning. Yet the basic understanding is what he misses. "I cant tell you if you do or not. Besides - " , he eyes him. " - you only need Aether to survive."

[19:52]You ponder over The Hawk.

[19:52]Louis Chamberlain || Oh. His predatory nature. Aether. That was a subject he didn’t wish to get into so he didn’t. Then, he realized. A bit *late*, but he realized. “You’re not wearin’ your mask anymore. I… I can see your face. Where did it go?”

[19:56]The Hawk | Louis wasnt very fast when it came to things , especially how Alveus had been looking at him the entire time. "Its downstairs." , he  nods his head towards the general direction. "We're at my home , so I have no reason to wear it." , that seemed like a good enough explanation the voidsent could give the other. Overall the assassin looked - well , different. Of course he would with the lack of a mask. Black Tattoos curving under the intense golden eyes that were also adorned with slight >

[19:56]The Hawk |  dark circles , a ruffle on the mans chin and a large scar spanning over his face - by the looks of it it was very old.

[20:02]Louis Chamberlain ‘s lips made a soft “O” shape. “Oh, yeah. That would explain this.” (He looked toward the sky.) “Did you know I thought you had Moonrot and this why you were wearin' a mask all this time? People say it’s not a real disease and even it doesn’t exist but I don’t agree. It’s just very rare. Even if I never personally saw anyone with it. Uuuummmh, in any case… It’s nice to see your face.” (There were more attempts of him wiggling, none were very succesful.) “You have-

[20:02]Louis Chamberlain: a scar.”

[20:07]The Hawk | Just slightly did a eyebrow rose at the  mention of Moonrot  , it was something he had never heard before.  But Alveus also didn't care much for mundane illnesses. As long as he can remember he never had them since the change of both body and mind. "Yes." , a hand reaches out to graze fingertips against the scarred skin before letting the hand drop once more. Just sometimes he bothered to look into a mirror. "It is from the ritual." , he answers before Louis can ask , he knows the other>

[20:07]The Hawk | will most likely.

[20:13]Louis Chamberlain: “The ritual…” (Something dark passed into his eyes.) “I remember… My chest. It hurt. I could see my bones.” Awkwardly, Louis managed to look down, examining himself. Everything was there. Everything except for this scar, zigzagging all over his torso, ending at the base of his neck. “Can’t believe I saw what was inside of my this day. T-That was scary.”

[20:13]Louis Chamberlain || It was at this moment something pink and  m o i s t decided to come visit. It was Zaz, squishing itself under the door little interstice. That Voidsent had no bone, or if it had, they could collapse at will. <We sensed you, rousing from your slumber, big brother. We come. For you. We should partake in live flesh to celebrate your awakening.>

[20:18]The Hawk | "No. Not that Ritual." , he hums once more - looking at the scar that Louis now had. He had seen it first hand , how flesh was eaten away to reveal bone. Seconds later without Alveus acting and the other would most likely be dead by now. "They are right." , the voidsent muses at Zaz's words. "You need to get aether into your body , it could help with your movement issues." He eyes the companion of Louis , never knowing what it was up to most of the time. "I can bring you some."

[20:22]Louis Chamberlain lied, as usual, it wasn’t a subtle or natural: “Oh? No, no, no I’m not hungry. D-Don’t get too bothered by that. I’ll, um… Spoken food is fine.” Zaz made a strange sound, something akin to a “tut-tut”, Voidsent version. <Stubborn and dumb. This experience has not changed you. No, it has. You are as helpless as a Vilekin larva>

[20:26]The Hawk | For once Alveus could agree with Zaz , if only Louis would mature some and realize that he needed Aether to survive. "I will bring you some later , or would you rather want to die and never move again?" , it sounded almost cruel how the voidsent said it , yet it was a truth that Louis had to accept at some point of his life. "Im sure your friend is hungry to feast upon your body once you are dead."

[20:29]Louis Chamberlain: “I-I-I…” He tried to say something no argument could come out of his lips. He was starving. He hasn’t eaten, Aether that is, in six moons and the itch! The Hunger! It was so painful! “Bring someone… mean. A killer. A killer just like me.”

[20:34]The Hawk sighed , eyes closing for some seconds , of course Louis wanted someone not innocent. But a Murderer he could find , Eorzea had many of those. "I'll bring you somewhere better to eat." , he muses. He liked to keep most of his nonspoken food somewhere better to clean. Immediately arms wrapped around the much smaller body of the man , picking him up was easy and the assassin already made his way downstairs.

[20:37]Louis Chamberlain had one reaction: panic. “H-Haaah, y-you’re carrying me! Oh Scathach q-queen of the night! We’re really going! But, um… Aah, my horns! What if people see me!”

[20:41]The Hawk rose an eyebrow at Louis and his - well , colorful palette of words. "We're not going outside." , he answers the others question. In fact , this room was one of the few of the many that Hawk seemed to possess , and moving out of the door just revealed stone corridors , easily noticeable to be from Thanalan. So that meant that they were still somewhat hidden. The cave system was slightly intricate , but easy to recognize if one walked often along here. So Hawk merely brought him to another >

[20:41]The Hawk | room , leading stairs down to a place somewhat darker.

[20:43]Louis Chamberlain: “Oh…” This, however, was bringing more questions than answers. “Do you keep people in caves or…? Where are we, exactly?”

[20:47]The Hawk shook his head slightly. His hair was finally starting to dry after the bath and shower he took. "The entirety is build into a mountain. I live here. It is more convenient." And in fact he did use this room quite frequently , the harsh smell of umbral Aether and his own scent lingering heavy in every crook and cranny. Here and there were the hint of something red , claw marks lining the wall. It is obvious that Hawk spends the time he is here not how he looks right now. Slowly he moves to >

[20:47]The Hawk | the Chair close to the fire , setting Louis down and making sure he wouldnt fall.

[20:51]Louis Chamberlain: “That place smells like you. My home just smells like wet dog and dirt. All the gil on the ground is, um, it’s cozy,” He slumped into the chair, having no muscle tonus whatsoever. That was what being in the coma for six moons doing to one’s body.

[20:56]The Hawk watched how Louis slumped into the chair. At least he wasn't falling onto the ground  and laid there. Which was already more than what he was expecting. "Then you should be more clean -- and kill more." , its a weird tip he gives the other but it is what made the place smell like him. And well , of course rubbing his scales over the furniture. But he wouldnt say that. One had to get dead skin off <somehow>.

[20:58]Louis Chamberlain smiled awkwardly. “Ah, uum, I’ll keep that in mind.” <And do it,> screeched Zaz, that followed them. <We wish to see the day you rise above, dear brother. You have the potential for darkness. A pity of what you do with your own skin.>

[21:03]The Hawk nodded towards Zaz , he was right. Louis surely could be much stronger - he had potential for more. Yet how scared he was he just held himself back. "Ill go and bring you your food." , he said with that usual monotone voice of his. Alveus didnt need to tell Louis to stay here and wait , the possibility of the other voidsent even moving to the door was very low.  "In the worst case you can still eat your companion , shall your hunger be more." And with those words he was already out of the >

[21:04]The Hawk |  door  , the soft steps of his boots upstairs echoing against the stone walls.

[21:07]Louis Chamberlain sighed, sinking into deeper in the huge chair. He felt it was eating him; will he still be there when Alveus was to return or would he has disappeared in the leather of the recliner? “Y-You guys…” He didn’t finish his sentence. If he had the strength to shrug, he would have. “Nevermind.”

[21:10]The Hawk returned soon after , perhaps it took around half an hour or more till Alveus boots were easily heard , the sound of the man dragging something behind him clear in the cavern walls together with the clink of metal of his own armor he had put back on. When the voidsent entered the room he was wearing his old armor again , hints of blood on it. His hair was dry now too , tied together at the back ,and facial features once more hidden by an onyx mask. The man he had dragged in , a bit older >

[21:10]The Hawk | than Louis seen by his facial features was definitely a thief , judging from the worn clothes and scars. He was unconscious , so it was easy for Alveus to drag him in front of Louis - holding him up by his collar. "Here."

[21:14]Louis Chamberlain was STARVING and that time he didn’t hesitate. If he could, he would have jumped on that man, to tear his Aether from his body. Instead, slow, awkward, weak, he took a while to finally clutch his prey. When he did, no remorse. No second thought. Lips against lips, he sucked every bit of lifeforce out of that poor sod. Aaaaaah. He could feel it. Aether rushing thought him. It *was* making him better. “D-D’you think it’s weird I kiss so many guys on the mouth?”

[21:21]The Hawk only watches with mild interest how Louis takes the  life of the man without much hesitation like he had done so before. It was only natural after the lack of Aether how hungry the other voidsent was.  "Its how you survive. Why would it be weird?" , the tilts of the masked face hides the slight confusion on his features. Yet it is a genuine question Alveus asks Louis  , interested why he thought it would be weird to survive.

[21:24]Louis Chamberlain: “I… Y-Yeah, you’re right. I wonder why it has to be this way it’s… It’s embarrassin’, don’t you think? K-Kissin’ strangers all the time.” (Somber.) “And killing them. I guess it means I’ll never kiss someone I love. They’ll die if I do.”

[21:27]The Hawk  | Its an interesting thought , yet love was something Alveus himself had never thought of much. It was a concept even harder than normal emotions for him to understand. Was he even capable of such? Yet loving a monster - none would or could. And Alveus was fine with spending the rest of his life utterly alone. "There is plenty of other things mates can do , shall you find one."

[21:33]Louis Chamberlain tensed up, feeling heat flushing his cheeks and his ears. Did Alveus meant…? OF COURSE HE MEANT THAT. “W-W-W-W-Weeeeeellllll, uuuuuuuuum, y-yeaaaaah,  I’ll… When… Y’know… Stuff. Erm.” He scratched the tip of nose. Ah! His arm! It moved. Was Aether all he really needed? Looks like Hawk was right. Feeding was accelerating the healing process. “Have you seen that?!?”

[21:36]The Hawk head was still tilted towards the side , watching the color on Louis face spread. "Or do you gain aether trough that way too?  , genuine interest lingered in his voice. He knew not much about other voidsent , never truly meeting them or trying to stay out of their way , living his own life. "If I have seen it? Yes , the process of mating is not unknown to me , I come across the sight often." , he answers - taking the question Louis gave him in a other concept.

[21:43]Louis Chamberlain blinked. By the Abyss! Him wanting to change the subject for something less… squishy and it was back on the table. “I-I don’t know if I take Aether that way, I never tried it. I… I have no one to try anyway and I guess I’ll never know. But if my kiss kills I don’t see why my… um m-mating wouldn’t either.”  Oh! No! He didn’t wish to know how many times Hawk had sexual encounters! Ah, too late he had already imagined it! Cast away the cursed picture in his brain! Some-

[21:43]Louis Chamberlain: sweat beaded on his forehead, he tensed his jaw. “H-Hah, did you? You had many lovers then? Good for you, hahaha…”

[21:48]The Hawk | "So certain bodily contact drains Aether from your prey." , its not a question , more of a statement born from Alveus interest and Louis answer to that. "Perhaps you can simply control it." At the talk of his own lovers a brow rose beneath the onyx  mask. "No. The Hunger I would have would easily kill any mate. And there is nothing beneficial that comes from me mating." He was none to go out and find someone to mate , it seemed pointless for the Hyur like voidsent. "I can gain mine Aether>

[21:48]The Hawk | merely by eating alone." , no need in pointless acts of sex.

[21:53]Louis Chamberlain looked away, brow furrowed in confusion. “Maybe I can control it. Maybe I can’t. What I know is I never managed to do it so far. If I touch someone, I’ll kill them. N-Not immediately but I will. I find kissing is the most efficient and, um… That’s what my instinct tells me to do.”

[21:57]The Hawk could see with the lack of Louis being able to turn into something more monstrous that it was easier for him to take Aether by a kiss , Alveus on the other hand could not do so. "Perhaps it is one of the things you should train if you want to find a Mater later on." , the brown haired suggest , not minding talking about it. For him it was like talking about the weather.

[22:01]Louis Chamberlain tried to smile but the only thing he managed to do was cringe. It was that grin-wince on the lips, he said: “Haa-aah? M-Maybe?” (There was tensed, nervous laugh.) “I don’t think it will happen but I-I’ll keep an eye out. For a, um, *mater*.” (He exhaled loudly.) “Weh! What an a-amazing discussion! I should get back to Amdapor, I guess in six moons, everything had regrown around the camp...” He focused all of his strength to get up. Which he did. Then promptly fell flat on-

[22:01]Louis Chamberlain:  his face.

[22:06]The Hawk watches Louis fall onto the ground with a thud , and there he lay face first. A gloved hand reached out towards the back of the others shirt to pull him back up and push him back onto the plush chair. "In your condition you can not return if you want to survive. Ill bring you back to the bed." Or what Alveus considered a bed , it was more a comfortable pile of many pillows and blankets. A nest almost.

[22:08]Louis Chamberlain: “I’m sorry to be a bother. I-I’ll do my best to get well and leave as soon as I can.” (A moment.) “I-I’m tired. I think I’ll nap. For a little bit. If you don’t mind…”

[22:10]The Hawk | "I dont mind. And you are no bother , no more than the other people that have stayed here beforehand." Or should he rather say the people he had kidnapped? Perhaps not. Louis was no prisoner here. So scooping the other voidsent  back up into his arms he moved back to the main room with him and up the stairs.

[22:14]Louis Chamberlain wanted to answer but he had nothing to say. Except, maybe, one word. “Thanks. I’ll make it up for you, I swear. I can do stuff too. Y-You’ll see.”

[22:16]The Hawk sighed once he had set Louis down in the nest , even pulling the blanket up over his body and grabbing a nearby floating Zaz - squishing him beside Louis like a weird plush toy. "Rest , I can take care of my own."

[tinfoil-jones]

Motorcity: Join Me, Epilogue

Disclaimer: I do not own Motorcity or the listed characters Title: Join Me Rating: T+ Summary: AU, Chuck and Mike never met in Deluxe; Chuck is leader of the Burners and Mike is still Kane’s Commander. Despite being enemies, Chuck and Mike find themselves having feelings for each other, but are both too stubborn to leave their sides of Detroit. Pairings: MikexChuck, DutchxTennie, FoxyxClaire(implied) Warnings: Don’t read if you don’t like or are triggered by violence or dystopian societies Author’s Note: For the sake of the AU to work Chuck is OOC and some events have been slightly changed.

~~~ 20: Present Trauma.

‘Six months already… where has time gone?’ Mike thought as he crossed out another day on the calendar in the bay. His black and orange jacket lay haphazardly on the hood of his car, Mutt as he’s christened it six months ago, to prevent getting grease stains on it while he worked under the car for minor repairs.

It’d been six months since the incident with the Genesis Pod; after Kane had flung them off of his war pod, he and Chuck had been falling to their deaths when the Duke of Detroit saved them using Chuck’s car Blonde Thunder, after ejecting the Duke Chuck had to be and backseat driver and hacker while the Pod was blasted by the last laser blast of ‘Bessie’, however in the chaos, Blonde Thunder was destroyed and Mike and Chuck were saved by a motorcycle fail-safe the blond had installed.

The battle was over in their favor, but the war was not.

For one thing, Chuck was horrendously injured - aside from his self-treated and rapidly returned hemopneumothorax, he also had head trauma, his synthetic left eye was busted, and his ribs were unsurprisingly broken. He had to be hospitalized.

Mike stayed by his side despite the other Burner’s being wary of his presence (minus Julie), for almost two weeks; Chuck was silent and despondent the whole time, having not said a single word to anyone. On day twelve of the Burner Leaders hospital stay, Mike had left the bedside for a minute to go take a leak, and when he came back Chuck was gone. Frantically he searched around the hospital, but video evidence proved that Chuck had escaped through the fourth story window and disappeared into the darkness of the nearby alleyways. With their leader gone, the remaining Burner’s had even more reason to not trust Mike, and they’d probably would have cast him aside like garbage if it wasn’t for Julie vouching for him. So he’d been taken in as a Burner, and was made their new leader no less than two months later.

Since Chuck had handed him the keys to the green car when he was prisoner, and because Blonde Thunder was totally destroyed and had only been fully rebuilt a week ago, Mike took the green car and finally gave it a proper name. The Burners had looked for Chuck for three months before finally giving up their search; Chuck was smart, if he didn’t want to be found there was no way they would find him. They could only hope that he was doing okay. Mike, however, hadn’t quite given up the hope of finding him. He’d search during his off-hours, and had exhausted almost every lead so far, even the LARPer’s hadn’t seen him, although admittedly during his time of searching Mike had become good friends with the role-playing group, and occasionally played D&D with them. “It’s been three years you know.” The rusty voice of Jacob said from behind him, making the brunet turn to the older man.

“Three years?” Mike inquired as he put his jacket back on - it no longer had the bandana wrapped around the Burners symbol on his arm, but he always kept the bandana in his pocket anyways.

“Since Chuck became a Buner.” Jacob told him, the older mans voice had a bittersweet tone to it.

“I see…” Mike replied, looking to the ground, slightly enough that only someone as close as Jacob could notice. In response, the Sasquatch driver put a comforting hand on the younger mans shoulder.

“You know… He really loved you.” Jacob consoled.

Mike cleared his throat “Clearly not enough.” Not even his support could keep Chuck with them.

“Now, now,” Jacob chided as he put a plate of bright green muffins on the hood of Mutt “you need to understand, Chuck had demons.”

“Demons?”

“Demon’s in his head my boy,” Jacob explained “Mental illness is something either tucked away or purged in Deluxe, so you tend to not hear about it much. But I believe Chuck had PTSD…” Seeing the confused look on Mike’s face, Jacob continued to explain “It stands for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder… It’s where a person is affected by a traumatic event, and effects them to the point of growing distant from loved ones, no longer enjoying previously loved activities, and having recurring stress and panic from the event, as if it’s still happening. I could see it in Chuck’s eye… He had what was called the ‘thousand yard stare’.”

Mike thought about what Jacob was saying, and applied it to Chuck; it was true, Chuck didn’t talk, but his eye would stare out blankly into space, almost as if he was looking right through everything. Not to mention Chuck did go through a lot of trauma in one day; being double crossed by the Duke, being captured and beaten half to death by Red, almost executed, having his entire city almost destroyed, then flung off a building and would have been killed if not for the quick intervention of the Duke himself. “But… Why just him… Why not me, or Julie, or…” Mike trailed off; he and the other Burners went through similar, why was Chuck the one fated to be struck by such a condition? “Everyone’s different, Mike.” Jacob told him “It doesn’t make anyone stronger or weaker. The best we can do is understand that it’s not his fault, and accept that’s how he is, and try to help him.”

Mike sighed “I’m going for a drive…” He picked up the muffins and put them in a brown paper bag, it’d be rude to throw them away even if they did look and smell disgusting. “Remember to call if anything comes up…” Jacob told him. “Of course.”

—

Once again a search through Motorcity yielded nothing.

By the time night came, Mike was tired and hungry, because he dare not eat the muffins given to him by Jacob, and ended up stopping at a fast food place. He didn’t bother to read the name of the food place, but when he walked in he was hit with familiarity. It was the same Burger Joint that he and Chuck had met when they started their relationship, it made his heart ache for more reasons than the greasy oil smell already clogging up his arteries.

He sat down to order a burger, fries and coke, which came immediately. He stayed at the counter and mostly kept to himself while he ate, and couldn’t help but overhear the conversation of some nearby patrons because they had no idea how to control the volume of their voices.

“Yeah Tory’s always willing to trade,” One of the patrons, a tanned girl with straight black hair said “he’s got good shit. Not for free though, I’ll tell ya.”

“Can I get tech from ‘im?” A male with curly brown hair asked. “Yeah. But only for whatever part he wants. He’s that guy with the eyepatch who hangs out in Lower Woodward.”

Mike’s attention was immediately caught - eyepatch? As in, one eye? Chuck had left the hospital before Jacob had finished his replacement bionic eye… It was far fetched, because people with missing body parts aren’t exactly unheard of in Motorcity, but it was the biggest clue he’d gotten so far. — Lower Woodward was, unsurprisingly, even more slummy than most parts of Motorcity. Now, income distribution wasn’t exactly great considering that there was a very small wealthy class, small middle class, and majority poor, but it was clear that that particular part of the city was populated completely by the very poor. At first Mike doubted that Chuck would be in such a squalid and possibly hostile area, but realized that it made sense, as it would be unlikely anyone would hide in such an area by choice.

The former military officer parked his car and made sure his security system was up to prevent theft or looting, and began walking down the street with his head down. Months of fighting Kane and the Burners were well known, even Mike at this point, but even with his infamy he didn’t doubt that there were a sizable amount of Motorcitizens who did not trust him or wouldn’t mind giving him a well-deserved beating.

His suspicions were confirmed when a seedy-looking man began following him, but Mike ignored him and kept his head down as he continued to weave about the streets, but every time he got a glance behind him, there were more and more shady characters, accumulating to form a gang of sorts.

Mike stopped when he came to a wire fence that split an alley in half and made an end “What’s up?” He asked calmly as he executed an about-face, not losing his military bearing to the face of the gang. If there’s one thing Mike was, he was honest (at least now), he wasn’t going to hide who or what he was to anybody. “Mike Chilton.” One of the men spat.

“That’s me,” Mike confirmed with his iconic grin but serious eyes “and how can I help you today?”

“Everybody’s been saying you’ve reformed,” another man spoke, with a voice heavy with hatred an an obvious lifetime smoking habit “but once Kanes lapdog, always Kanes lapdog.” Oh boy, this again. While he couldn’t blame the Motorcitizens from their weariness of him, especially considering how he played a direct part in the war and battles between the two sides of Detroit in favor of Deluxe, he’d naively hoped six months was enough to win their trust. This hope just couldn’t be applied to everyone.

Mike dropped his grin and lifted his hands up passively, he could definitely fight them off without Mutt, after all he had his spark staff in his jacket at easy reach; but he didn’t want to create more distrust with the citizens of Motorcity if he could resolve this peacefully. “Look, I don’t want any trouble.”

“Then you should have just stayed in Deluxe or fucking died.” The original man growled, which did cut a little deep in Mike; he knew that people had died directly and indirectly from Kane’s attacks on the city, many of these attacks he’d been the directly overseer of. While he did believe he could redeem himself, there were just some things he knew were unforgivable.

The gang stepped closer “Please,” Mike said “that isn’t who I am now.” He wasn’t Kane Co’s commander anymore, he was Mike Chilton, just Mike Chilton. “I don’t care.” The first man said, reaching into his jacked presumably for a gun or knife, but Mike still didn’t reach for his spark staff.

“Well, I do.” Mike couldn’t help his grin returning at this new voice; new to the situation but not new to Mike. The fence was shoved slightly enough for a person to slip between the wire and the alley wall, and Mike couldn’t help but chuckle at how even after everything they’d gone through Chuck still had a flair for the ‘mysterious entrance’ he’d often pulled at his LARP club, with the cape and everything, judging by how worn the cape was now however, it was definitely part of his regular attire.

“This doesn’t have anything to do with you, Tory.” One of the men said to Chuck as the blond man stepped between Mike and the seedy gang.

“Leave.” Chuck said simply.

“Tory-”

“I said leave for fucks sake, I’ll deal with this guy.” Hesitantly, the group of men actually turned and left. There was a moment of silence as they waited for the group to be completely out of sight, as Chuck turned to face his old flame with his hands shoved into his cloak pockets. His hair was slightly longer, and wilder than it used to be but the bangs were still parted and for the most part out of his face. His missing eye hadn’t been replaced, as indicated by an black eyepatch, and from his face to what could be seen of his body shape through his hooded cloak was very gaunt even compared his original petite self. Still handsome as ever, at least in Mike’s eyes.

Silence, all Mike could hear was his heart beating all the way up to his ears. Chuck sighed heavily “Why are you here?” He demanded, f his hands were digging around his various pockets until he produced a cigarette and a lighter, throwing Mike off slightly.

“I-” He began, Chuck didn’t let him finish, he lit the cigarette and stuck it into one corner of his mouth and used one hand to physically start dragging Mike out of the alley.

“I can’t fucking believe you,” Chuck reprimanded, not bothering to look back at him as he dragged him. “I can’t believe you came here, don’t you known this is a dangerous neighborhood?”

“I wanted to find you.” Mike told him, and it seemed to make Chuck skip a step, but only slightly.

“I’m taking you to your car, where is it?” Chuck asked, and Mike stepped down and made them both stop.

“I want to talk to you.” The brunet told his former lover sternly, rolling his wrist out of Chuck’s grasp, now that they were in close proximity Mike could study Chuck’s features more clearly; his cheeks were pale and seemingly bloodless as they no longer held a rosy tint, and his good eye was dark ringed, his neck and face had a few bruises that didn’t seem to be too fresh and there were some healed scratches scattered about his jawline and forehead. Clearly he’d been in several scraps over the six months he’d been gone. “…What happened to you Chuck? Why did you leave? Why didn’t you come back?”

“I don’t have to tell you anything.” Chuck practically growled, taking a long drag of his cigarette before looking to the side to blow the smoke out. “Look, I don’t know what you were hoping to accomplish by coming here. It’s been half a year Mike, if I wanted to come back I would’ve, if I wanted you to find me you would have a long time ago. So just do us both a favor and get lost.”

“You know I can’t do that Chuck.” Mike told him gently, placing a hand on his arm that Chuck thankfully didn’t shake off.

Chuck was quiet for a solid minute, the cigarette was in his hand but he was not longer actively smoking it, instead he was just looking down at the Burner with a sad eye. “…I know you can’t, and won’t.” Chuck said with a sad sigh “I’m sorry Mike… I’m not going back.”

“Can we please just talk…” Chuck didn’t answer, he took one more drag of the cigarette before flicking it away. “I missed you…” The blond stiffened up slightly, and Mike knew it was because Chuck had a hard time dealing with emotions. “…We can talk. Just not here.”

…

Chuck’s place was an apartment in a small complex, it was… kind of nice, given the area they were in, it had a small kitchen, living room, one bathroom and two bedrooms, although by the looks of it only one bedroom was being used as a bedroom while the other one seemed to be a room dedicated to Chuck’s technological side.

“How’d you afford this place?” Mike asked Chuck as the blond draped his cloak over the back of a chair - he wore an elbow-sleeved shirt very similar to the one he used to wear, except this was mainly dark blue with black sleeves and lacked the Burners insignia.

“I work human resources at a nearby tech firm.” Chuck answered, plopping down at his couch.

“Shouldn’t you be a programmer?” Mike asked, trying to lighten the mood as he sat at the other side of the couch.

“Credentials don’t transfer very well from Deluxe.” Chuck answered dry and matter-of-fact.

Silence. They just sat there awkwardly as Chuck grabbed a remote and turned the TV on, Mike knew Chuck didn’t watch TV very much, background noise just made the blond feel less anxious.

“So…” Chuck trailed off awkwardly, looking to the floor instead of Mike “what do you want to talk about?”

“First off, why did you leave?” It was a touchy subject, Mike could tell from the apprehensive expression that immediately appeared on Chuck’s face, but it was first thing he needed to know, it was where this all began.

“B-because,” Chuck began defensively, taking in a deep breath to collect himself and his emotions but this only sent him into a coughing fit. Concerned and overwhelmed with protectiveness over the man he -still- loved, Mike scooted over next to him and put his arms around him, patting his back to attempt to alleviate his coughing “L-look it’s hard to explain, I was a shit leader okay.”

��You weren’t a bad leader Chuck.” Mike consoled.

“Don’t bullshit me!” Chuck snarled and nearly shoved him off “I got tricked by Duke! I’m a genius and I got outsmarted by a man that wears curlers to bed!”

“…” Okay, Mike wasn’t exactly sure how to respond to that.

“I knew he was up to something… maybe not what he was up to, but I knew it wasn’t good. All I had to do was agree to not help him, even if he left me in the depths all I had to do was follow him out. Hell, I could’ve agreed to help him, and then ditched. But I didn’t, Mike. I got captured by Kane, Motorcity was almost destroyed, my car was destroyed, me and you… We almost… Almost…” He started to choke up and a a distant, but distressed look appeared in his single blue eye.

The thousand-yard stare that Jacob had explained, that Chuck had the entirety of his visit at the hospital.

“I know, I know we almost died.” Mike drew his arms around Chuck again, pulling him in close, into a familiar embrace that they’d shared many times when they were together. “I know you’re hurt, I know you’ve gone through a lot, and I know you’re having a hard time with how you’re feeling.”

“Oh how would you know how I feel.” Chuck scoffed, but he didn’t pull away or push Mike off of him “You handled that situation a million times better than I did. You accepted the possibility of death so calmly, you took charge without skipping a beat, and here I am, a mess. You don’t understand Mike… You really don’t.”

Mike placed his cheek on top of Chuck’s head, normally awkward given their height difference but Chuck was practically laying on him in this position “You’re right Chuck… I don’t understand.” He murmured gently “I don’t know what it’s like to lose an eye, I don’t know what a tension pneumothorax feels like, I don’t know what it’s like to almost lose my city, until recently I didn’t know what it felt like to constantly be attacked by another government and neither did I understand what it really meant to be a leader. Those men earlier were right you know, I was Kane’s lapdog… I was the commander, but I was never truly a leader, everything I did, I did because Kane told me to, and I was too stubborn to believe it. So no Chuck, I don’t truly understand how you feel… But what I do know is that you’re still hurt, and I will always love you.”

Chuck started to sniffle, as his barriers finally started to come down, and his sniffling increased into he was full-blown sobbing into Mike’s chest, and gripping the edges of the others jacket either in a vain attempt to feel grounded or for the sake of comfort. “What I do know,” Mike continued, holding him in even closer, close enough he could feel the sobs racking the others body, close enough he could feel his heartbeat “is that I want to help you. I know that you have a lot of friends, who also want to help you, because they care about you a lot, and every single one of us just wants you back.” And for what must have been the good part of an hour, they just sat there with Chuck crying against him, and Mike holding him and occasionally rubbing his back or stroking his hair, no words spoken between them but there weren’t any words needed, Chuck needed to finally express his emotions and Mike just needed to know he was safe.

When his leg started to fall asleep Mike attempted to shift their position by sitting up straight, but this put them at an awkward angle and it put the weight distribution in Chuck’s favor, with Chuck not attempting to correct it and his death grip on Mike’s jacket made them fall on Chuck’s side of the couch with Chuck accidentally pulling Mike on top of him. Mike had to remove his arms from around Chuck and to avoid tumbling on him he planted them onto the couch on either side of Chuck but this just inadvertently put him in the straddling position. Awkwardly, and slightly blushing, Mike looked down at Chuck, who was still sniffling and the left side of his face was wet and sticky with tears. “Please…”

Mike started to pull away, but his interpretation of Chuck’s plea being to get off of him wasn’t what Chuck as intended, because the blond immediately wrapped his arms around his neck and pulled him in against him with enough force to tell Mike that despite his gaunt appearance Chuck was definitely a lot physically stronger than he used to be.

“Please don’t go.” Chuck whispered to him - lying chest-to-chest Mike wasn’t sure if the strong beating was his own or Chucks, but in hindsight it was probably both. Their faces were practically touching and Mike could see that even with the sclera being bloodshot, Chuck’s good eye wasn’t as hazy as it seemed earlier, it was the pretty maya-blue color that Mike had in the past gotten lost and almost drowned it. One of them initiated a kiss, neither was sure who.

And history repeated itself as the two men so completely lost in each other and passion that the rest of the world seemed to melt away.

—

A beeping in the distance cause Mike to open his eyes with a struggle, when he finally did get them open the room was too dark for him to make anything else except for the soft glow of the TV from the living room leaking through the slightly open door of Chuck’s bedroom. Chuck was still asleep next to him and had his head resting on Mike’s arm, which explained why his arm was asleep. Muttering to himself and shifting gently as not to wake Chuck, the Burner rolled out of the bed and wrapped a towel around his waist for the sake of modesty and gently tiptoed to the living room where his jacket was strewn on the floor, he picket the garment on, but zipped it to create the illusion he wasn’t buck naked, and turned his communicator on. The head icon of Dutch appeared and the sudden appearance of bright light in the dimly lit room made Mike have to blink repeatedly.

“Mike! Where the heck are you man? You’ve been gone all day! Don’t tell me you got yourself lost in the depths again.” Mike just tiredly nodded as he seated himself onto the couch.

“Look I’m fine and I’m not lost I just uh… I just ended up further away than I intended and it got too late to turn back, I’m in a motel.” Mike explained, of course it was a lie but he wasn’t going to betray Chuck’s trust so soon “I’ll be back tomorrow, okay?”

“Are you sure you don’t want us to get you? Our tracking device is saying you’re in Woodworth, and that place is shady even for Motorcity.”

“I’m okay, I promise.” Mike waved off the Whiptail drivers concern “I’m going back to sleep, see you tomorrow Dutch.” And before the other Burner could protest or put another word in, Mike shut off his communicator. Yawning, he gathered up the clothes strewn about and returned to Chuck’s bedroom where the hacktivist was thankfully still out like a brick.

Placing the clothes on a dresser, Mike carefully climbed back onto the bed where his partner automatically rolled back onto lying on his arm, which was pretty cute even though Mike would definitely wake up with his arm asleep again, but he didn’t mind too much.

With his free arm he rested his hand on Chuck’s cheek, gently pushing his wild bangs out of his face “I’ll always be here for you, no matter what you’re going through.” He promised, even though Chuck was asleep. As if in response the former Burner snuggled closer to him, and Mike joined him in slumber.

—

“I don’t know, Mike…” Chuck trailed off as they walked down the street. “Aren’t they going to… I don’t know, freak out if they see me again.”

“Maybe a little bit, but in a good way.” Mike told him with a grin “The Burners missed you a lot, especially Texas.”

“I’m not surprised, he just isn’t the same guy if he isn’t taunting me to my face.” Chuck joked a little, although his tone was mostly flat. It was a start though, a definite sign that he was starting to warm up.

They stopped in front of Mutt, which was untouched, the car had a top notch defense system even when idle, which was how it survived the whole night without having it’s tires or undercarriage parts stolen.

“So you use the green car now huh.”

“Mutt.”

“Excuse me?”

“I named it Mutt.”

“Oh.”

They stood awkwardly by the car, and Mike started to notice the beginnings of a thousand-yard stare returning to Chuck’s eye. “Hey, what’s wrong.”

“I-I,” Chuck took in a deep breath “I-I’m scared of driving.” That was a shock to Mike, as Chuck loved driving, and he’d loved his car, and he was the one to introduce Mike to cars in the first place. However… it sadly did make a lot of sense, as Blonde Thunders destruction had saved Motorcity but would have killed them if not for the motorcycle fail-safe. The whole even had been so traumatic of course he could barely even be near a car.

“Hey, that’s okay,” Mike assured him, grabbing his hand and giving it a gentle squeeze “you take the figurative back seat on this, and literal passenger seat. I’ll drive us back - and very carefully.” Normally Mike was a speed demon when it came to driving, but seeing just how jittery Chuck was he was definitely following the posted speed limit this time.

“I-I still don’t know… I… I tried once but…” Chuck explained, having a hard time putting into words why exactly he was having such a hard time around something he used to enjoy.

“But you went through something traumatic and now you don’t enjoy this anymore, Chuck it’s fine if driving scares you, it’s okay. I’m asking if you can trust me.” Mike told him gently, but Chuck was definitely still jittery. An idea came to him and Mike opened the passenger door and reached inside, grabbing a paper bag “You really liked these didn’t you?” He handed Chuck the bag, and although initially confused Chuck practically lit up seeing familiar bright green muffins inside the bag.

“Are these-”

“Yup, okra and mayonnaise.”

Chuck straight up ate a whole muffin in what must have been one swallow and no chewing, Mike would have been impressed if he wasn’t already so familiar with the capabilities of others throat. It took a little bit more coaxing, but eventually Mike got Chuck into the passenger seat.

He took the drivers seat and buckled in, but instead of starting Mutt up right away, Mike looked over to the hacker, who was breathing heavily with anxiety. “Just tell me when you’re ready,” Mike consoled, reaching over to grab his hand again.

“Do y-you care if I can never drive again?” Chuck asked between quick, anxious breaths. The brunet used his thumb to soothingly rub the back of his shaking hand. And he waited until Chuck had calmed down a little before he answered. “I’d love it if you could drive again, but only if you’re comfortable doing it. If you never drive again, I don’t mind as long as you’re by my side; whether it be in my passenger seat, or in a comm screen.”

“Thank you Mike…” Chuck took in one last deep breath “I think I’m ready.”

“Thank you for joining me today.” Mike replied with a grin, and put the skull of his spark staff on the stick shift, bringing to Mutt to life.

THE END… Go home.

[coloursofaparadox]

Okay I gotta talk about shit for a second because it’s been driving me insane to not be discussing this with anyone purely in the way of the whole ‘validation of existence only because we exist to others’ bullshit but w/e here we go

It’s been a couple weeks now and I’m a lot more clearheaded. A lot of things suck and a fairly decent amount of things are much better, which coincidentally happens to be one of the things that sucks. Realizing how shitty it was for a long time came fairly quickly, because that was literally all I could think about at the time? If it was terrible and it was over then that meant a terrible thing was over and that was a good thing. That got me through until the day they packed up and took their shit and moved out back to another fucking province. Few days after that too. But being in self-perpetuated denial does not help me whatsoever in the long run and eventually I had to slowly try to come to terms with what the past 3 and a half years actually was, good and bad altogether.

So I’ve been doing that. For about 2 and a half weeks now. Trying to think about it clearly while finally being in a position where it’s too late for that to have any repercussions. There’s a lot of stuff I knew, and I knew I knew, but didn’t want to think about too hard. I took shit like that into account when I did things like ‘temporarily’ break up weeks before the breaking down a door like a fuckin horror movie thing went down, but what I’m trying to figure out is how much of what I thought I knew has been me tricking myself into not seeing something for the sake of the three of us. It’s fucking sucked. Forcing myself to acknowledge times that were actually legitimately good has been fucking hard when all I do is make myself sad, and realizing I was right about putting in years of onesided effort and emotional energy that I’m never getting back has felt like I’m waking up after sleeping through some very valuable years of my life haggard and grey and I’m never getting them back.

The conclusion I’ve come to so far is. not much honestly. But what I have realized is how fucking stupid I’ve been!! The easiest bit to sort through has never been the abstract. It’s always the comparison, in this case the direct comparison between two very different people, and I am a fucking fool. I cannot believe I never let myself see it when we were all together, but I do not know for the life of me why I was so scared to see how fucking incredible she was. And this isn’t a case of post-mortem romanticization. We fit, SO much better. Looking back there was no comparison. Literally just shit like basic communication, or conversation and clicking. If we actually put the fucking effort in and at some point along the way decided to stop being scared of each other and playing it safe with the easy option (him), then I don’t know what would’ve happened. I wish I could say I knew for sure but I don’t, and there is a WORLD of incredible potential that I’ll now never fucking know. She is far too good for him. It’s been a force of will not to demonize the past 3 odd years I’ve been with him, and I will never say there wasn’t good about him, but it’s good on top of a foundation of insecurity and denial and someone who never grew up and refuses to see how it harms the people around him. He’s going to keep hurting people and dragging his way through life at an infants pace until he wakes up. And she does not deserve to be one of those people.

Realizing I’ve been devoting myself to someone I thought I had finally, after years found a kindred spirit in and being slapped in the face with the reality that I’d deluded myself has been. Not great. To say the least. It feels a lot like betrayal with a stab of burning shame and existential despair lmfao but yknow. I am not someone who makes real friends easily. I’m not praising that about myself though. Sometimes I wish I could not think about all the things that get in the way of liking people uninhibited because p much everyone else fucking doesn’t and they’re doing just fine apparently. But for me to find someone I really enjoy talking to and trust and actually prefer their companionship to loneliness does not happen often, and I am absolute shit at being lonely. I can still count on one hand the number of people I’ve found in my entire 22 years of life, and while obviously they’re not all romantic connections it still fucking hurts to lose even one of those. The very shitty Venn diagram of the general populace, people I like, people I love and trust, and people I love, trust, and somehow am also in love with is comically disproportionate and transphobia and social anxiety are not on my side for adding to the latter more than once in a blue moon. My plans for the future involve a lot of blank nothingness and stubborn refusal not to date anyone until I’m financially stable and CAN comfortably be completely single without a looming sense of dread and desperation to not be achingly lonely, which are probably not in any danger of being called into question by the appearance of a wildcard I swoon over given my fucking chances.

It would’ve been so easy to sink into a spiral of cynicism and turn on the whole world over him and I definitely did for a while, but I’m not as young as I was 5 years ago. As much as it hurts my pride and my limited (now crumbling) experience of romantic love to admit, I fucked up and I picked wrong. It’s by no means my only goal in life but. it would just. be kinda nice to know if it’s actually possible for me to find someone(s) that. are. good? and. are the kind of love that you see sometimes. not the stupid movie shit but just. people that work with each other, in multiple senses of the word. I got a fucking taste of it and now I can’t even tell if it was real or not and it’s killing me thinking about it. I want it so bad. I don’t want it for free, I want to work for it and towards it and find someone I want to work towards it with. This is not me freeloading and romanticizing some perfect ideal relationship, this is me just. wanting. people. I love doing little things for people to make them happy I love helping and giving and seeing people smile because of it and I love. just. being happy. and other people being happy. I love being genuine and I fucking would do anything for the heady experience of knowing someone else and someone else knowing you thoroughly and completely. and just existing, like that, and making eachother happy while you live your lives. There’s probably some fancy obscure word out there to describe all that but I don’t fucking know I just want. To love someone. It’s not a compulsion I won’t make shit choices just to find the wrong person to throw affection at but despite all my bullshit I genuinely. love. people. more abstractly as a whole but intensely as individuals. and i already miss it. 

i have no fucking idea where this is going any more I just have a lot of thoughts that don’t have very much ‘a good addition to a conversation’ vibe going on and like mentioned at great fucking length im generally starved for human connection okay i feed on it like a black hole lmfao. im. more myself lately though. I’ve been missing the bit of me that connects to people as a mass i think. I’m not going to say i’m happier but part of something that has always defined me as an entity of fuckin brainwaves is just doing stuff for people. not really for any reason but barring social anxiety getting in the way ive always done stuff like offered to help or go out on a limb and ask if someone’s okay or little shit like get someone the drink they always get bc they weren’t around to ask and i haven’t been more or more in the last 3 years. I’m doing it now though. I’ve missed it. A big unhealthy chunk of that relationship was we were all so immersed in cynicism and sarcasm and ‘ironic’ morbidity that just being genuinely happy and optimistic was not encouraged nearly enough. and now that im free of that i feel a lot more like me and i’m very glad to know that hasn’t gone anywhere n ill be very sure to foster that part of myself a lot more in the future

i need to go to fucking bed. tldr im happier but lonely and i loved the wrong person and im quietly losing faith that real romantic love actually exists for me at all but yknow whatever. gnight.

[wellamarke]

Hey Joni :) Long time no speak, but wanted to see if you had any advice. I'm thinking about owning a stick insect, do you have any suggestions? such as, should I get more than one or are they happy being on their own? Do you use a heat mat under their tank to keep it warm? (also as Im planning to total own giant snails and giant leaf insects if I can in the near future but thats a step up! - are giant snails quite easy to look after?) x

[2/2]Hey Joni, You know that ask about stick insects and giant african snails I sent you a little while ago, can I add in a question? Ive read that snails carry salmonella bacteria like reptiles, does this make it difficult to keep them? I’m a bit of a germaphobe so salmonella makes me a little nervous but I’m absolutely in love with giant snails! Thank you!

Hellooooo! Sorry it’s taken so long for this to materialise. This is my third attempt at writing this, since my phone decided to eat it twice. Apparently I’m cursed. But now I’m here in a different app, praying that I’m not about to write an essay for nothing….

I thought I would post the reply publically so that anyone else who finds themselves interested in stick insects or snails can read it too. It might end up serving as a little FAQ section if my bug-keeping ways ever become known enough to be asked about frequently, heh heh heh.

So, here goes. Take three.

Stick Insect Suggestions

Plurality In terms of what they actually prefer - I’m not sure they mind much. I’ve kept them in pairs, triples, groups and - in the case of the recently departed Douglas - singles, and they seem to go about their Insecty business much the same, unencumbered by feelings of loneliness or rivalry. So I suppose it’s up to your preference how many you keep! Here are a couple of factors to consider, though:Babies sometimes die inexplicably. Well, perhaps to a doctor of stick insect ailments it wouldn’t be inexplicable… but through no fault of the owner, some nymphs don’t shed their skins properly, or fall from their tank roofs and damage themselves, and there’s not much you can do about it. So it seems best to start off with a handful of insects to ensure that you get at least one or two who survive into adulthood. (I still don’t know what happened to Carolyn, one of my original five. She developed a strange dent in her back that made her look as though she’d been snapped in half, but other than that seemed fine until it was time to shed her skin, which she couldn’t do. Babies are fragile, I guess. Once full grown they’re much less prone to random dying.) Ease of cleaning out. Once Douglas was alone it was soooo much easier to change over his leaves, because there was only one of him to keep an eye on why I did so. Cleaning out a tank while six of them are crawling all over the place requires a lot more presence of mind, obviously! Usually with just Doug I waited until he was in a convenient position where I didn’t have to disturb him too much, like on the roof or in one of the corners. If he was on the roof it was perfect because I could dump all the old leaves and swill out the whole tank. If he was in a corner I could at least wipe it. I tried not to bother him too much in his old age, otherwise I suppose I could have just moved him where I wanted him. This, too, would have been easier to do with just him to worry about.So you see there are advantages to having a group and having a single. Although you could get around the group difficulties by having a secondary container to deposit them in while you cleaned out their proper tank, I suppose.

Heat MatsHere is a secret about stick insects: they are easy to look after. Apparently on the internet, this is a secret. On the internet people like to overromanticise their Foreign Exoticness™, and would have you installing a heat mat, a miniature gymnasium, a salad bar and a skating rink for the comfort of your Foreign Exotic™ pets. But truthfully they are not fussy creatures, in my experience. Unless you live in the Arctic, your home is probably not too cold for them. I have never had heat mats for my sticks. I would say you need to guard against them getting too hot, rather than too cold - and I live in England!When I was about twelve, I had my very first stick insects, Stan and Laurel, for a rather brief amount of time that was cruelly cut short by them dying of heatstroke. They were left in direct sunlight for a couple of hours, and cooked. Meanwhile, the insects I’ve had since then have survived English winters with no ill effects - and no heat mats. Of course, mine are Indian Stick Insects, the most basic kind money can buy. I claim absolutely no expertise on any other kind of stick (or leaf, or indeed otherwise shaped) insect - possibly, some of the ones that truly have a degree of Foreign Exoticness™ will be glad of a good heat mat. Don’t quote me unless you’re buying Indians. Probably don’t quote me at all, lest the Righteous Exotickers descend on me…! But I would honestly say Indian stick insects are fine in most climates without a heat mat.

Other things:

I very rarely handle my stick insects - the few times I’ve touched them have mostly been accidental! Maybe it’s me projecting my touch-phobe ways onto them, but Douglas lived four months longer than the average so I can only guess that he was pleased to go undisturbed for most of his life. My defence here is that if I wanted a touchy-feely pet, I would have got one with fur. (Also, I read somewhere once that sometimes being picked up can scare them, and they’ll just drop a leg and run away, hopefully regenerating the limb later but if not, their attitude is “oh well, at least I got away from the scary human with my other five”. I have no idea if this is true, but I don’t touch them with my hands if I can help it. If I do need to move them I try and tempt them onto a leaf first. Though if a stick has decided it wants to be somewhere, you often have a job convincing it to move.)

I have recently taken to setting some stems with leaves on in little containers of water, which makes them last much longer. But the insects could drown in more than a few drops of water, so the containers are covered, with just a few holes in their lids to let the stalks through. I don’t know if that’s a good enough description, maybe I’ll add a photo here later of this setup.

They love to drink tiny water droplets, so a spray bottle is a good thing to keep on hand. You can get away with only changing the leaves every four or five days if the spray’s there to break it up.

They have cute little faces. Once they’re adult it’s big enough to see. Make sure you cherish their faces and tell them often that they are beautiful.

Don’t worry if the top part of their front legs start going red. I thought Doug and his siblings had developed some kind of disease when I first noticed this! But actually red “armpits” (as I began calling them) are a sign of healthy adulthood. If anything it just means you can stop worrying that they’ll die during skin-shedding, because they won’t need to shed anymore. (Again, I can only speak for Indians… perhaps in other stick species red legs is a sign that the End Times are upon us!)

I have recently taken to covering the floor of the tanks with tissue paper. I never bothered before this generation of babies hatched, but when they did I read that tissue is a good idea, because if they fall on it they’ll be protected. Now I just kind of do it anyway, even though they’re all about the same age as Douglas and Co were when I got them. Not only does it protect them a little from falling, it makes clearing out the droppings ten times easier, especially if they insist on staying put when you’re trying to do so. As mentioned, they are stubborn beasties. I wonder sometimes if they were called stick insects because their feet stick to things, and then we named wooden sticks after them because of the resemblance, rather than the other way round…

Giant Snails!

Are they easy to look after?Yes, I think so! They eat most kinds of fruit and vegetables - exhaustive lists can be found on Snail Forums, but mine are especially fond of lettuce and broccoli. They’re not that bothered about strawberries or cabbage, I’ve found. I don’t know if this is typical or just Snailsa and Shelemiah being awkward. It’s fun to watch them eating, and I just take out uneaten food once it looks a bit old, before it goes mouldy on them. I also don’t give them the outer leaves of lettuce etc, because it might have pesticides on. The other thing they like - for some reason - is flakes meant for exotic fish. No idea why, and I probably wouldn’t have thought to give it to them, but the people we adopted them from sent them with a tub of fish food, and sure enough, they can’t get enough of the stuff. If they’re sulking about something and won’t eat, I sprinkle a bit of fish food and suddenly everything is forgiven. Strange but true.They also need a sprinkle of calcium every now and then on their food, to help keep their shells strong. Everywhere you look people recommend cuttlefish bone too, and I have given mine some, but I’ve never seen them actually use it so for good measure I still sprinkle a little calcium. They like to be kept damp, so every day I spray them with water. Sometimes if they get too hot they seal themselves into their shells, and then they need a good dousing from the spray bottle to coax them out. The first time it happened I thought they were dead… but they’ve revived each time, and I just try not to let them get too dry for too long. I also have to check for eggs every few days, and they should be removed and frozen. (I’m not sure how easy/legal it is to breed your own baby snails. Everywhere I’ve read, it just says not to. You definitely can’t release them into the wild, because they’re not part of the ecosystem here.) I actually haven’t ever found an egg… so I’m not sure how often they’re supposed to appear?!I think snails do prefer to live in pairs or more, for what it’s worth. They are, to quote something I read online, “gregarious”. Love that word. Never seen it used in regard to stick insects, but… The snails have the kind of peat/soil stuff sold for large spider care, in the bottom of their tank to bury themselves in or dig around. I change that when it gets old but I’m not sure how often it should by rights be changed. Usually ends up being every other month or so.

SalmonellaYes, they do carry salmonella, which is a little unfortunate. I have a supply of plastic gloves that I keep with their tank, and I use them the whole time I’m handling them or their stuff. Then afterwards I still wash my hands with soap, because….. you never know! I’m not usually a germaphobe at all but I’m being unprecedentedly careful over the snails, heh heh. Maybe I’ll get lazier once I’ve had them a bit longer (as I’ve heard of other people touching them with their bare hands etc), but at the moment I’m taking the double precaution. It’s not much of a bother really, in comparison to how cute they are to look at :D

Well, I think that’s it, and woohooo, my phone has left it alone so far! Now let’s see if it will post. Doubtless I’ll come back and add more things as I remember them, but for now… this has been a Sticks & Snails PSA! Thank you for your attention.