replied to my emails
filled some paperwork
sending some job applications
paying my bills
what is this, night is up at a decent time AND still being a functioning human being???
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coming out of my hole today to post a template and then leave
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think its really STUPID my brain requires me to get dressed and all if i want to be functional and focus like what if i DONT want to and i just want to be in my jammies <:(
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i am awake (due to. Unfortunate Health Related Circumstances Yesterday Evening. i am fine now i think but was having some very sudden weird flareup of pain symptoms and had to try to get myself to bed so i did not licherally pass out on the floor. mission success at least lol) at 6:30 am and i am currently alone in the living room and letting my morning meditations kick in so i can go brush my teeth and i've got the tv on for background noise/light as per usual when im just kinda sittin down here and like.
maybe its the Crisp Cold New England Winds Of Winter or maybe its the Not Usually Awake This Early Under Circumstances Where I Am Not Rushing To Get Ready For Something And Can Actually Just Contemplate My Thoughts. but something about sitting down here as the sun slowly peeks out from the curtains feeling exhausted and fatigued with cartoons and toy ads playing on tv is really envoking the feeling of being a kid before my public school system forcibly ejected me from completing my standard education because i am disabled (😕) when i still had some kind of slight excitement or anticipation of going somewhere that had other kids my age that i could occasionally hang out with during recess or looking forward to learning from one of the teachers who were kind and compassionate and patient with me instead of cold and dismissive....
like... its not necessarily Nostalgia because school in general was genuinely such a traumatizing experience for me as a disabled kid from a "non-traditional" lesbian family in the early 00's-early 2010's, and the fact that i can even contemplate on any of this stuff this early in the morning is very much because i actually have medication treatment for the adhd i've struggled with my whole life that i did not have until abt 3 yrs ago into my 20's. but. idk. its a bittersweet sort of feeling im not entirely sure how to describe but i havent felt it this strong in so many years?? like its kind of making me tear up right now and i dont fully understand why lol. something about my inner child im sure etc etc. its cuz ur always trying 2 heal that damn inner child (my brain says 2 myself)
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got home from a grueling day at work and went to do some tidying up around my apartment, as one does, and as i go to pull my oven away from the wall so i could sweep and mop behind it the FUCKING DOOR FELL OFF??????
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