#??? dont think the game has its own tag here yet

[reel-fear]

👁️👁️

You must tell 👀

*rubs my little hands together* sorry for taking a bit on answering this! My brain has not been braining lately but your ask couldn't have come at a better time bc Grant has been on the mind as of late and I am hyped at the excuse to infodump abt him- [this is gonna be long I am so sorry-]

now for quick disclaimers for anyone reading this that isnt the asker or me- we're not discussing canon Grant Cohen, we're talking my Grant, this black haired dude, that guy. Another fun disclaimer, I was HEAVILY, inspired by Grant's role/character in abomination for my Grant. Taking time to awknowledge every part of his character or story that was inspired by it would make this 10x longer so if similarities are spotted know its very likely I did that on purpose bc I just really love abomination KJHFSDGKJDHGSD-

Alright with that outta the way I'ma talk a lot abt what happens to Grant in the canon of Showtime to explain what I meant and also maybe a bit of me rambling about aus that explore Grants relationship with Sammy n Joey under a more romantic lens. Should be obvious but spoilers for It's Showtime down below~

So Grant in Showtime after he dies ends up joining the ink demon cult, becoming a lost one and earning the title of The Priest.

When the cult was all together him and Sammy worked together to run it. Sammy used his connection to the ink demon to recieve messages and learn more on how to survive in this new situation and Grant made sure the lost ones acted accordingly. [A role not so far off from the one he was forced to take when the studio started facing troubles before his death] Grant also took the job of dealing with sacrificing souls and sending them back to the dark puddles, which sometimes was members of the following chosen at random and sometimes whatever poor soul found themselves captured by them.

However when Malice rose from the puddles and made a deal with the Projectionist to seize a considerable amount of the studio as theirs, the cult was split up, Sammy and Jack forced to flee to the music department and Grant with the rest of the following being down in the area of Chapter 4. This put Grant in a very bad spot, the lost ones were very shaken by this event and since then Grant worries their faith in him has wavered.

An important thing with the ink demon cult was that it is meant to be a more realistic take on how a cult works. The Ink Demon runs the cult, he is the most powerful figure in it and yet the hardest to contact, so Grant and Sammy are little more than middlemen tasked with keeping things running or else they face the ink demon's wrath. Sammy is sadly very aware that the ink demon is not as benevolent as he or the lost ones would like the believe. Grant likes to think being the Priest will at the very least protect him if things go wrong, but he is sadly mistaken.

Grant is in a very dangerous spot, he knows the lost ones beneath him are getting angsty and worried about just how truthfully safe the cult is or if they should believe in the power of the ink demon. But he also knows if things fall apart the lost ones will come to tear him apart long before they go for the ink demon. Despite him merely being a puppet for their lord. A role Grant is not ready to acknowledge, not because he isn't smart enough to see he is just a pawn, but because he chooses not to think about it, less his paranoia eat him alive yet again... A very important thing to keep in mind with Grants character.

Grant did in fact play this role in life as well however, when things started going wrong in the studio, Joey was very quick to turn away from what was going on and continue asserting everything would be fine. Which while a lie he himself believed was a lie nonetheless. However Grant quickly became his right hand man as people like Thomas and Wally started noticing cracks forming all through out the studio. Staff going missing, the ink changing in the way it behaved and an eerie feeling the machine created in both of them.

Grant despite deep down being smart enough to know things were going poorly, parroted Joey's words, hanging off of them himself and doing whatever he could to shut down any attempts to bring to light the things going wrong. Of course, him and Joey both ended up paying the price for their lies, but so did everyone else around them. But unlike Sammy, Grant barely even seemed shaken to see that, like a conspiracy theorist seeing evidence their theory isn't true only makes them double down harder, Grant only seemed to double down on the idea that if he followed every order he was given. Surely things would turn out better this time.

So that's canon to the story of Showtime, but I do want to take a second to get some AU non canon ideas out of my brain centering around Grant and his relationship to both Joey n Sammy. In canon Grant's only romantic interest is Thomas, his literal husband and there is a lot of interesting conflict there, but I fucking love shipping so of course I have a million aus merely indulging in ships I think would also be interesting to explore in their own contexts. In this case, I'm gonna ramble a bit about Sammy x Grant and Grant x Joey and the interesting things I think there are to explore in their relationships in Showtime.

So you might've noticed that while not literally [as saying the ink demon is Joey in Showtime, while somewhat true, is not the entire truth of the situation and simplifies it quite a bit] Grant did end up following Joey to the grave... And then kept following him beyond it. Something that is objectively~ very queer of him.

There's just something so compelling about the idea of Grant yearning for Joey so much, being so close yet so far as his right hand man but not being brave enough to become his lover eventually drove Grant's love for Joey to become an outright obsession. The idea that Grant's feelings for Joey became so intense from how hard he pushed them down it blinded him from seeing the truth of the situation outside of the way Joey painted it. Then dying and his obsession turning into an outright worship of him.

The idea of Grant settling for just being Joey's favorite lackey, his most loyal pet and knowing that's his role but not caring bc at least it makes him stay by Joey's side. Ohh it's an interesting one to say the least. I even did a few sketches of them u can see-

They are doomed by the narrative to me and have been on my mind a lot lately can ya tell? KJDHSFGKJHDFSGKJHDFGSD

However when it comes to Sammy and Grant, I think there is a lot of interesting potential between them too. After all they share being the Ink Demon's henchmen in all of this and to see them both come to terms with that and try to find comfort in each other is such a fun idea to me.

An au where they both decide to ditch the cult and the ink demon and on their own try to figure out what happened to Joey and how to fix things is very compelling to me. I could see their relationship starting out as doing all these things for each other under the excuse they just need comfort until it starts to turn to actual feelings for each other. Both of them coming to terms with the fact Joey was not in fact a perfect person and maybe didn't even know how bad things were getting deep down himself but also finally letting themselves hold him accountable for the lies he told... It's a very fun healing narrative and very in line with a lot of the themes It's Showtime deals with.

Either way, I just really love what I've done with Grant's character in It's Showtime, he's for sure one of the most fascinating to me and the themes his story explores are ones that are important to the story as a whole and by extension me. Umm this turned out very long but I hope u enjoyed the read! Tysm for the excuse to infodump abt him, I was itching for one as u can see KDJHGKJDHFGKJDHFGSD.

[swagworm99]

fractured mind... fractured mind fandom where are you..

[hiddenbeks]

so many thoughts abt how schewpid the jedi council is in kotor but also not sure if i should write abt any of them before i finish the game because it's entirely possible that i'm still missing some critical information,

[the-s1lly-corner]

not sure if you’ve done this already but how would slenderman react to the reader hugging his tentacles? and generally showing affection to it.

Reader who hugs n kisses slendermans tentacles!

dont think i did anything like before so yahoo! honestly as much as i love slenderman, thinking of a whole boat load of ideas over the course of like. 9? years, this never crossed my mind. your brain, huge

its not often that you see his tentacles out, usually theyre for his hunting as well as defense.. and to look more intimidating. you know, generally not something that he wants you to be around for..

but i think every now and then they creep out during down time with you, perhaps during a cuddling session with your tall monster boyfriend? or maybe you even get him to indulge in "play" (not that kind of play get your mind out of the gutter) and his tentacles slip out, like you guys playing simple games

the image of someone playing tag or hide and seek with the forest demon is making me chuckle, something much needed post mini cry/freak out session LMAO

personally i like to think that he can only half way control his tentacles. like yeah sure when he needs them they're out, but for the most part they do their own thing, you know?

set up down, lets get to the actual request. his tentacles are colder than him, and admin is personally torn on making them slimy or not... perhaps slightly so? like juuuuuuust enough to be just a little oily but nothing insane, kind of feels like your hands after you just put lotion on them. smooth, too

very cold. i know i mentioned that theyre colder than him, but its like ice cold. so...

basically he doesnt expect you to show any love to this part of him, so hes thoroughly confused when you grab one of them and gently press your lips to it.. then let go. then grab another and give it a kiss as well

cue a confused head tilt before his voice comes into your head to ask what on earth youre doing

isnt it uncomfortable, with the slight ooze? isnt it too cold? doesnt it at least taste a little off?

torn about it, because on one hand hes used these things to kill. but on the other hand he mostly kills in order to protect his space and to sustain his body, and admin likes thinking that he sometimes gets a bit of guilt. call it him resenting his own existence and simply wanting to be left alone while having a natural curiosity for the world around him even though he only really destroys the life around him

also he doesnt like giving you stuff from victims, and i think he would have similar feelings about his tentacles

and yet... he cant deny, that he can hold you closer with them, that he can keep you nearby with them... and that you love him, and every part of him. undeniably, you do. i dont know, its something that when i think about it, its sweet

this creature is full of resentment, for himself and the world he was put in as well as the one who made him (zalgo cough cough au stuff) but here you are

assuming the reader is a human i think it hits even harder, because youre something that hes built to wreck and destroy. and yet youve given him pause, and that was enough for you to win him over

and you never stop surprising him

im getting off topic, but im just a sap for concepts like this, you know?

"its rotten work," "not to me... not if its you" but its you and slenderman, basically

i think the first few times when you start showing his extra appendages affection he pulls them away from you, maybe even forcing them back and tucking them away

but i think over time he melts into it and accepts it...

oh how cruel it was, for the universe to give this reclusive creature a sense of longing, which has been exasperated now that hes gotten a taste of it first hand

[bloopitynoot]

Reading SVSSS: Chapter 4

For those who don't know, I am reading SVSSS for the first time and sharing my thoughts!

If you have not read it, there will be spoilers! Consider this a warning.

Also- if you want to follow along, I am aiming to post updates daily. You can find all the posts in the tag bloopitynoot reads SVSSS. You can also check out the intro post for context on my read.

aaaaaaand i'm back for another chapter! Again at my desk with my reading buddy (Charlie) tea for this chapter is a soy matcha latte.

So, I thought the conference was a few days from when Shen Qingqiu/Shen Yuan was in the cave, but im assuming it's annual? Since he was in the caves for a year? p191

Ah JK. the top of the next page - the conference is every 4 years 192

I'm actually so stoked for this demon blood reveal. I want to know how its spun in this "version" of the story p 193

I love how confused shen yuan is, he's still over here thinking he's the villain when he has so clearly been upgraded to Love Interest/Damsel in Distress. IDK what to tell you pp193-194

Okay so now luo binghe is 17. Question though- do we ever actually get an age for Shen Qingqiu? p195

This kid is still here simping. Actually at this point I dont even know who is the simp. Luo Binghe is openly heart eyes and Qin Qingqiu isn't even aware of his own feelings but the way he describes future luo binghe is too much LOL. It is a trainwreck to read. p195

Binghe: *all flirt* Shen Qingqiu: shit. fuck. ah. I need to not fuck this plot point p196

LOL at Shen Qingqiu taking the carriage "I'm frail and indisposed" x3 twink energy p200

not the snacks too LOL p200

oh no! Luo Binghe thinking that Shen Qingqiu has any feelings at all for Liu Mingyan p201

But also then trying to make Shen Qingqiu jealous. Oh boy.

Let's take a second to appreciate how clear and concise the point system is for the conference. like this was well thought out- I love it. It's also giving a bit of hunger games spectator energy p205

This guy (Shen Yuan) already knows the outcome, and yet he's going to gamble (AND GAMBLE BIG) anyways p 208

I cannot with this group following Luo Binghe "my feet hurt :(" p215

why the foot fetish material 💀 217

RIP to the OG timeline's harem- the have been felled to the Demon Realm's Nu Yuan Chen p218

omg this is a massacre p220

awww at liu qingge not letting Shen Qingqiu join the fray. I feel like these two probably have a shit ton of fics pairing them p223

THE HEAD SPIDER WHAT pp226-227

Shen Qingqiu's entrance though!!!!!!!! p227

Shen Qingqiu is even getting the flower poison plot (points for my love interest/damsel in distress plotline) "Stop. Do not pass go. The girl you're supposed to pick the flower for, Qin Wanyue, is right next to us, watching- and you want to deflower it in her presence, and for a big, strong man to boot? Leave your wife some dignity, all right?!" p231

oooo now we get details on who the spy is. Enter Shang Qinghua p233

Shang Qinghhua deserves an Oscar for this performance 236

And more damsel shen qingqiu 242

the miscommunications! oh gosh why is this scene so painful. They're talking about two different things. pp247-248

Oh no. Shen Qingqiu/Shen Yuan is not okay :( p257

oh no oh no oh no -> heartbreak points?!?!?!? this is so sad p259

OMG WAIT WHAT AN END TO THIS CHAPTER. THE AUTHOR IS HERE TOO???????????? WHAT THE HECK!!!

RE: Who the spy is- A SPY WITHIN A SPY?

Thats all for today!

The twist really twisted me at the end there. AH. I can't wait to read more. Will they work together? will they be mortal enemies??? Will this be the author attempting to usurp Shen Yuan????? I DONT KNOW????

[psychickiss]

score!

— saiki kusuo x reader (gn, 2nd pov)

— summary: You’ve been eyeing the guy with pink hair that tags along with Nendou sometimes when he comes over to help out PK Academy’s baseball team. Luckily, something happens to make you two meet.

— notes: reader insert season 2 episode 15 / chapters 198 - 200. youre friends with satou btw but its just for plot

— things: platonic romantic. dont know.

— masterlist | request form | retrospring

You’ve always been a fan of the baseball team at your school. You weren’t a diehard sports person, but you were supportive, nonetheless, for you had a friend in the team. Satou Hiroshi.

You always waited for him during his practices, so you were well-acquainted with the team... Some of them, anyway.

You knew of Abe, and the... conflict he got himself involved in– the one that temporarily halted any games that PK Academy’s team were scheduled to play in.

However, that didn’t stop the team from practicing. “For Abe,” they’d say. You’re well-aware of everyone’s quirks, sometimes it even felt cliché.

“Satou, has your team got practice today?”

Satou nods at you. With a smile, he asks, “Will you watch again? I heard Nendou from 2-3 is joining us as a substitute.”

“Oh! The one who saved you guys during that one game! I hope his friends tag along.” You laugh.

Satou has a surprised look on his face. “Are you friends with them– Do you like one of them?”

You shake your head. “Not really. But, the one with pink hair is kind of cute.”

“Ehh? The... What’s his name... Saito? Wait, no, Saiki? Really?”

You nod at Satou, though the slight judginess in his tone has you confused. “Why? Do you not like him?”

Satou quickly shakes his head. “It’s not like that at all! I just think he’s, erm, kind of weird? I don’t know, I saw him once by the gate reading Weekly Jump and drinking peach juice–”

“Aren’t those things that you like too?”

A blush spreads across Satou’s face as he nods, and you can’t help the laugh that escapes you.

Satou doesn’t say anything else. You continue talking, “I mean, I don’t know. There just aren’t a lot of cute people in school that aren’t... weirdos? No offense.”

“Are you... calling me weird?”

You excitedly point to Nendou and his friends, changing the subject of the conversation. “Look, there they are!”

Satou turns to where you’re pointing, and a slight smile graces his face. “I’m glad. Although, just Nendou wouldn’t be able to fill in all the missing positions.”

“Ah, you guys are missing Abe, right?”

Satou nods, a mix of sadness and hope present on his face. “If only he were here... Surely, the whole team would be all the more motivated.”

You just give a slight chuckle in response. You think, Yeah. With the way things seem to work for you guys, there’s going to be something cliche, like, Abe showing up. Haha.

...

The day for the game finally came. You weren’t expecting to see Abe on the stands (maybe you were), yet, there he was.

He walks away from his seat, seemingly in defeat. You’ve seen the team practice for the last few weeks for this game– there is no way in hell were you letting the old star walk away just like that. You follow him outside, quietly.

So does Saiki.

Okay, I tell him not to quit on his own team, yes–!

Abe gets hit on the head with a lost ball and falls down to the ground.

OH MY GOD.

You make yourself hidden somewhere, fumbling around your uniform for your phone in the hopes of contacting Satou and getting Abe the first aid he needs. As you do all that, you take quick glances at Abe.

Preoccupied by his own thoughts, Saiki doesn’t quickly pick up on your presence. This isn’t until your thoughts start to get louder. You witness him using his astral projection to take possession of Abe’s body.

You can only watch in terror as Abe’s once unconscious body stands up and boredly dusts himself off.

Okay. Just walk up to Abe and... Wait– Abe-slash-Saiki, and ask what the hell is going on.

Abe/Saiki starts walking towards you. You frown. This is it, I guess.

“What– What happened? What did you do?”

“Astral projection,” Abe/Saiki calmly replies. He says the next thing like it isn’t a big deal. At all. “I just took over his body. His spirit’s still in here, don’t worry. I’m telling you all this since you’re a witness.”

“You make this sound like a crime...” You crouch down to Saiki’s actual body. “You’re Saiki, right? Saiki Kusuo?”

Abe/Saiki nods. It takes everything in you to not curiously remove Saiki’s tinted green glasses and put them on for yourself.

Strictly, he tells you, “Don’t touch me. I’ll hide me somewhere.”

Oh. Okay. You don’t question his words. (You try not to.)

“I’m classmates with Toritsuka. He talks about you a lot.” I’ve got to stop thinking I’m talking to Abe. It’s so clearly not him! His face is devoid of emotion... I’m talking to Saiki. Yes. I’m talking to Saiki.

Saiki hums in response. “I know.”

You continue talking, “I didn’t immediately realize you were both the Saiki that Toritsuka talks about, and the cute guy with pink hair that tags along with Nendou sometimes. I guess you’re different around him.”

“Well, I have to keep him in line.” Saiki jokes. He turns to you, “He hasn’t made any weird comments towards you, no?”

You shake your head. “He’s actually kind of nice. Just have to treat him like you would anyone else.”

“Oh.” Saiki pauses. “We have to get back to the game.”

You nod, but you don’t immediately follow Abe/Saiki’s footsteps.

“What is it?”

“You’re bleeding.”

There’s a streak of blood down Abe/Saiki’s face. “It’s okay,” Saiki replies. “It doesn’t hurt.”

You sigh as you take out a handkerchief from your pocket. “Of course, but,” you stretch your arm a little to reach the blood on Abe/Saiki’s face, “but it’s going to freak someone out on the team.” He lowers himself a little to make it easier on you. “The manager, actually,” you specify. “Blood scares her.”

Saiki doesn’t say anything else.

“Okay. We’re done. You’re good to play. You know how to play baseball, right? The same way Abe does?”

Saiki nods before you two walk back to the field. Saiki walks towards the team’s manager, and you choose a seat in the stands. This time, you pick a seat that gives you an even better view of the game.

You watch Saiki as he continues the game as Abe. He doesn’t do a flashy pose before pitching, which you brush off. It could be easily ruled off as training, or whatever. Abe’s the one who would have to explain himself when Saiki’s spirit is out of his body.

Time passes by, and PK Academy’s baseball team wins the game.

Excited, you head to Satou to congratulate him.

“Oh, I didn’t do much... it was all Abe, actually. It’s really glad to have him back!”

You just nod. Mhm. Totally Abe in there. Not Saiki.

“The team and I are going out to celebrate later.” Says Satou. He asks if you want to tag along, and you decline. You do get along well with the team, but that celebration belonged to them, and only them.

You make your way towards Saiki, whose spirit was now back in his own body. You beam at him, “Congrats on the win, Abe.” You laugh lightly at your own joke, but quiet down at the lack of a reaction from Saiki.

Saiki looks at you blankly. Seeing that facial expression on his face felt much more correct than it did on Abe’s face. Hm.

“Satou and the team are going out,” you pause. You suddenly glance side-to-side, avoiding any eye contact with Saiki.

“Would you... maybe want to go out with me as well...? Not, like, on a date. I don’t really dig that... and especially not with people I’ve only talked to, like, two times–”

Saiki answers, to your relief. He stops you from rambling any further. “I suppose we could do that. It’s the least I can do since you had to see me use my powers.”

“Really? I’m glad you aren’t offended, or weirded out. There’s a café that just opened up! My treat.”

Saiki nods. “I might enjoy that. Thank you.”

You smile at him. “I’ll make sure you do have fun, don’t worry. The desserts there are really good! The cheesecake? To die for!”

“I’ll have to tell Nendou and the others they can go without me.”

[riggedtraps]

IT'S ALL BULLSHIT, IT'S ALL A LIE...

...AND I'M JUST A PAWN IN YOUR STUPID GAMES.

Hi, I'm Amanda. Or you can call me Mandy, I don't care. I'm 29. I guess I'm a woman, but I don't care about that either. She/her or they/them is fine, maybe even he/him if you want. Definition of the 'mean lesbian' stereotype.

I work for Jigsaw, so watch what you say around me. He helped me and maybe He can help you, too. DMs and asks from anyone is fine.

I should probably mention I have BPD. Petulant, impulsive and self destructive. So if I'm rude, it's probably me being a cunt, not you.

that intro better be in character or ill cry </3

anyway ooc introduction!!

i'm gia, i use they/them pronouns. im agender (and so is amanda, she just doesnt know it yet!). i also have bpd too, so yes, will be accurate to my experiences. im a minor so nothing too nsfw or gross.

literally anyone can interact! whether ur a rp blog or not, i will literally roleplay with anyone, even oc blogs (y'all are so cool). send me asks or dm me, whatever works. any ships too, i dont mind, though ofc mandys only romantically interested in women and nonbinary folks, but platonic ships with anyone works! :3C

i'm making this because im obsessed with saw rn its my special interest and i kin amanda so hard <3 first ever roleplay blog ive ran, so excuse any mistakes. gonna try keep amanda in character as much as possible, but may add a few headcanons in here and there. if she's ooc, please excuse that too. 🙏

of course, it's amanda so there's gonna be triggers for self harm, suicidal tendencies, mental health, and then general triggers for the saw franchise. will tag things such as self harm with 'tw self harm' or 'tw cutting' so block those if you don’t wanna see it.

also gonna reblog stuff i think amanda would like, so stuff like punk, goth, music stuff—but also blood, weapons, horror. not full gore but implications of it. will trigger tag them, so block those if you don't wanna see it.

gonna use ❪ ❫ for when out of character. e.g ❪hii!! :3❫

'꩜—mandy rants' : making in character posts

'꩜—gia rants' : ooc posts

'꩜—mandy answers' : tag to keep track of answering asks

'꩜—mandy rps' : for roleplay threads

'꩜—mandy writes' : short stories i imagine amanda wrote as a hobby/vent

my main blog: @messyscarletdreams

'♫—mandy's playlist' : songs i associate with amanda/think she'd like

each blog i interact with will have their own tag of their user for easier tracking

each character i interact with has a tag with amanda e.g '❪ john & amanda. ❫'

my saw oc blog: @poor-impulsecontrol

[dextixer]

Yknow, at first i thought i would just make a thread telling everyone how manipulative this post about how "I dont hate critique but critique bad" is, to warn people about snakes in the FNDM hiding in the grass.

But then this utter clownshoes decided to invoke Monty, to talk about Montys wishes. To weaponize a dead person as a cudgel for a fucking internet argument.

This is why i hate most of the RWBY FNDM, because they are all sunshine and rainbows, all progressive, all nice people, or at least they portray themselves to be until they take off their fucking masks. And then all of these supposedly nice people reveal themselves to be manipulative ratfucks.

So, lets be very clear. If you invoke Monty in your shitty internet arguments, you are just a morally defunct person, you are lower than fucking trash. He is a deceased man. His corpse is not there for you to parade him like a fucking puppet for your own arguments.

The fact that it follows a fake ass "nice guy" facade is just the icing on the cake.

Despite the claims of the OP, they were not "suggesting that hate discourages people" they were being a snakey fuck by at first saying "Criticism isnt bad" and then outlining literally EVERY single tired anti-criticism buzzword phrase in existence. Everyone fucking knows that most of the time "Im not saying x is bad BUUUUUT" leads to the person revealing that, yeah, they are saying that X is bad. Its the most fucking elementary silencer for any argument in existence.

We have the ol reliables of

>"If you no like, just leave" >Conflating criticism with hate >Implying that people should not criticize passion projects >Implying that RWBY receives unique kind of criticism that no other thing does

Alongside that we also have some weird implications that RWBY is disliked for being "cringe" and of course, more instances of conflating criticism with "hate". If one pays attention they could easily spot a pattern, take a shot of your favourite drink anytime you see the word "hate" or its synonim when the supposed thread is supposed to be about criticsm.

As far as for the second part of the post that comes after my reply.

Criticism does not have to be constructive, its good when it is, but if a person can see something wrong, they can say its wrong without offering a solution. I dont need to be a professional doctor to see a bone sticking out where it shouldnt be etc.

And lets get back to the old sticking point "Oh, but why does RWBY have separate critic communities".

Because the fandom MADE it a fucking necessity! Just like with shows like Game of Thrones and many others! You think critic spaces or subreddits are some kind of never seen before thing before RWBY?!

The only reason RWBY has them is because of the fucking Fandom!

The RWDE tag on tumblr only exists because people were ASKED for criticism to be something that people could avoid, by tagging a post as RWDE anyone using this platform can easily blacklist the tag and NEVER see anything from it! And yet the Fandom instead of doing so CONSTANTLY comes into the tag, and then constantly bitches and whines about how criticism exists!

The critics subreddit exists because most people there were slowly pushed away from the main sub. It didnt START as that, but it became that when the mods of r/RWBY decided that instead of moderating discussions they would rather throw out all the critics because fans would NEVER behave in critical posts and would either mass report them or cause conflict!

Whether someone likes RWBY or not has NOTHING to do with personal morality. Its also extremelly ironic that there are constant "uwu, people say me bad because i like RWBY" claims with nothing to back them up while on places like twitter you can see RWBY twitter accounts say that anyone who dislikes RWBY is just a misogynist or the like.

I would rather take the most toxic critic foaming at the mouth about how RWBY is bad over people like op, ratfuck snakes who pretend to have no problem with criticism while sneaking in the same fucking anti-criticism shit into their threads.

I dont even criticize RWBY that much anymore and i mostly just tell the critics spaces to not even talk to the larger fandom, and its because of dipshits like the OP.

Because the RWBY FNDM is full of these nice presenting, nice writing manipulative jackasses who are just smiles and rainbows while saying the same tired bullshit as always. Just a reminder, just because someone is "polite" does not mean they are not full of shit.

[blamemma]

what you said about maxiel fanfics with endgame lest4ppen, yes, I agree. someone mentioned this before, but maxiel is slowly dying on ao3 while it seems to be thriving more and more on tumblr.

for me it's 50/50 because I don't mind where I'm reading, but here we have more one-shots and pieces of WIPs (which is good because it means authors don't feel the pressure to turn everything into a 50k story, so they can just post their ideas even if it's incomplete), but I personally LOVE longer stories, so I would love to read more and more about every single one of them.

and personally I just don't like lest4ppen at all. I understand the need to tag maxiel because daniel is the bad guy and the "shitty boyfriend" or whatever, but I just don't like seeing those stories 😬

will always preface asks like this by saying people can like what they like and find joy in whatever, i ain't gunna turn my nose up at anyone or anything, lestappen just doesn't make sense to meeee personally, but honestly whatever butters ur bread!!!

as someone who has dabbled here and there in this writing lark, for me there is a distinct difference in ao3 posting and tumblr posting....ao3 to me is formal, ur presenting something perfect, a fully-fledged story, a beginning a middle and an end (not in all cases but i just mean in general). most stuff i read on ao3 is fully-fledged nuanced ideas that the author has obviously spent hours of time crafting and experimenting with.

tumblr fic is inherently fun and blase and easier to throw out there into the ether and forget about really. tumblr fic doesn't need to follow grammatical rules or structure etc etc....it can just be a fun prompt game response or a quick lil fic that you had fun writing and wanna share with ur people?? both have purposes and both are enjoyable to write imo, just depends on what ur feeling and how much u want to expand on said idea??

when it comes to the maxiel of it all....idk how rude or pointed i can get here without getting into shit....so i'll try and word this gently....you have to keep the eco-system alive....i think comments and kudos are GREAT but honestly, if someone reblogs my fic with a fun few tags, i love that more, because in a selfish way, i might get 1 or 2 more readers from that because its going out to an even wider audience?? but its more than that!! engage with ur writers, message them on here and shout at them about their ideas, send them prompts, recommend their fic to ur friends...but i will stand by i think one of the best things you can do, if they make a fun lil post or graphic for their fic...reblog it...ur not only spreading the maxiel gospel, but ur also supporting that writer?? too many times on here i see people's fic graphics flop yet big blogs are leaving them comments on ao3 and look, EACH TO THEIR OWN and also i can sometimes be a bad reblogger dont get me wrong, but LIKE, there are some wildly talented authors on here who just need to be pushed into the limelight a little bit more??? idk if im wording this correctly, but sometimes there are fics that fall through the cracks because no one engages with them, and if ur an author who has put blood sweat and tears into that fic, ur not exactly going to be motivated to post another maxiel fic if u dont think ur going to get engagement from it (again, fic writing isn't necessarily about engagement or response, but let me tell u when i get a fun little comment or someone messages me about a fic i published, it inspires me to write more????)

maxiel is definitely alive and kicking, i follow some stunningly good maxiel authors, but at the same time, its about pushing forward those smaller writers as well and not thinking ur too cool for them???????????????

and so with that, this flufftober, kinktober, spooktober or whatever tober u are a part of, reblog the fic, talk about the fic and enjoy the fic

[ceasarslegion]

I think one of the reasons the harassment post going around about me is making me so upset is not only because well, its a harassment post about me specifically that people are just uncritically sharing and has reached 2,000 notes now full of tags about how much i should kms and deserve to be shot and killed and how much of a fascist libtard i am based entirely on one meme post i made, but also because i have... already had a really rough month

This month alone i have been woken up at 3am to a slew of emergency texts of one of my best friends attempting suicide, ran to her apartment through sketchy alleyways because i have her spare key, didnt find her there, and had to play the waiting game as to whether or not she was still alive. She was, and went back to work the same day after refusing treatment. And then she just got back together with the guy who drove her to try it because "but i love him and he prommied real hard to change 🥺" and MOVED IN WITH HIM against everybodys screaming at her not to. Now we are in the awkward stage of not really talking to each other before the friendship probably dies out, after which i dont know what will happen to her, but i do have to accept the harsh reality that shes dug her own grave and i cant help her if shes going to act like this.

And then i got extremely harshly disciplined twice at work for stupid reasons. I was treated like a dumbass who cant do anything right because of other people's stupidity trickling down to me, and being blamed for the actions of passengers who didnt speak a lick of any language of any officer we had on the floor at the time and i couldnt effectively communicate the procedures i had to do with. It took me making a big X with my arms to get them to stop. And they treated me like i told them to do that

And then all my friends transfer to different airports because of a contractor switch giving them advancement opportunities as new positions get established. I dont want to advance yet personally, so i decided to stay where i am. Plus, im tied down here by a lease.

And then i wake up to someone spreading that about me yesterday. After i already feel like a piece of shit who cant do anything right and everybody hates or leaves at some point. So yeah its... its lingering a bit

Im sorry to beat a dead horse, ive just a rough month

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

CHAPTER 14: I CANT STAND THIS ANYMORE

wc: 6054

tags: violence, attempted s/a, smut, angst, drugs

a/n: this chapter might be triggering for some people, read at your own risk.

prev chapter

yaera

i havent been to one of these events since i was fifteen. that doesnt sound like a long time, but considering my sister was still alive then, it certainly felt like forever had passed.

the dress i was given is pretty at least. its black, has long sleeves and looks like it was designed for a sexy vampire. one good thing came out of this shitfest.

but the best part is, i can hide san's drugs within my outfit. im not stashing them in matching black purse because it'll get searched, but the tiny ziplock bags fit perfectly in my sleeves and boob area. this will truly be the riskiest thing ive ever done.

irina and the others even messaged me not to forget the stuff. im so focused on just getting that money the fear i had buried inside me hasnt completely resurfaced yet.

im staring at myself in the mirror, looking at my smokey eye make up. the black hair dye really gave me a morbid yet sexy aesthetic that im not bad about. if i could describe myself in two words, it would be exactly that, morbid and sexy.

the sexy part is what bothers me. i know there are people who would agree all too willingly with that. and its not my target audience.

my room door swings open and my mother walks in. theres a strange look on her face as she takes me in. we say nothing to each other for a few moments till she breaks the silence.

"bellisima," she says, almost under her breath. "we can really never go wrong with santo. he made you look like a princess, even if you look like you are going to a funeral."

my insides squirm at the mention of his name. i tried to ignore it, but the fear i felt in that bathroom is coming back full swing. im seeing him tonight. he'll be waiting for me.

"please don't do this again this year," i stiffly begged. "you need to find someone your own age Santo. I'm...I'm not the one."

santo cocks his head to the side and smirks. "and who told you that? who said you're not perfect for me?"

"i don't fucking want you," I hissed. his eyes widen slightly, more out of sick arousal instead of offense.

he advanced on me and i blinked, finding myself pressed against a stall. i whimpered and tried to wriggle out of his grip, but my arms were pinned to the side. oh my God, I'm going to be sick.

"but I want you, and you know that. so why don't you stop playing games," he whispered dangerously close to my ear. i shivered and my nausea kept tugging at my stomach.

"i'm your only chance at a respectable man. your parents already love me. so why don't you accept the love I have for you? you'll never find anyone like me, tesoro."

"i fucking hope so," i whispered, pinching my eyes closed. he moved his face infront of mine, hovering his lips over mine. I whined and wriggle, but he isn't fazed by my struggling.

"you're a big girl now, right?" he said lowly. "i think it's time you feel like a woman."

i snap out of that awful memory when my mother clicks her fingers infront of my face. "come on, hurry up! we are only waiting on you!"

i cant leave san's side tonight. no matter what.

when i get downstairs, my nearly feel the breath getting knocked out of me. he's standing there, looking more handsome than i've ever seen him. black hair slicked back, eyebrows done. the suit is sitting perfectly. its like he's the model here and not me. god i think im going to be sick.

he gives me a small smile but says nothing.

"doesn't she look perfect, amore mio?" my mother says to my father, who only gives an awkward smile of acknowledgement.

"the two of you can sit at the back of the limo. your mother and i will take the two front seats," my father says, then turns to san with a pointed finger. "dont get any ideas, boy. i know your headmaster personally."

san awkwardly laughs. "i would never, sir."

i try not to wonder how true that is. we pile into the limo and my parents keep looking at us through the rearview, making sure there's a significant gap between us. i look over to him and all the anger i felt before is just gone. i think im fucking whipped.

hes the most beautiful man ive ever seen.

"san..."

"you look really pretty," he tells me before i can say anything. saying that with the most expressionless face makes my face drop.

"oh-"

"i just wanted to say that. you really do."

i dont know what to say. the limo is dim so i dont know if he can see how flushed i feel. he leans forward and i think hes about to kiss me. i hope for it. i dont even care if my parents are nearby.

"where are you hiding the stuff?" he whispers. oh right, his drugs.

i show him my sleeves, how the pills are pressed finely between the folds. then i point to my bust. "others are in here," i say.

he chuckles lowly. "creative. you can give me some if you need more space."

if san gets caught with this my parents would end him. everything he worked to achieve would be gone in less than 2 days.

"i think i should keep it. just in case anything happens. you know, rich girl immunity."

san nods and leans back away from me, making me feel empty. "of course."

no words are exchanged between us for a few moments. so we're really going to pretend like the party didnt happen? did that mean it was never going to happen ever again. i dont want to sound desperate but my head is screeching for answers.

but i focus on what matters tonight. putting on a show. getting irina and the others their drugs and collecting payment. and most of all, escaping santo.

"san, can you do me a favour?" i ask.

he hesitates but nods anyway.

"dont leave my side tonight. please."

he rubs the back of his head nervously. "well, i am your date. and i dont know anyone else here."

god. he doesnt realize how bad i need him.thats the thing, i need him more than he needs me. i can never delete what i have on him. i never know when this will go sideways.

the party is at some hotel. when we get there, i can tell the reception is intimidating to san. the cameras, the flashing lights. the security. i grab his hand and he doesnt protest as we go inside. both of us get patted down by security guards, of course the drugs go undetected.

we go inside and the dinner set up is fancy as fuck. i look at san and i cant tell if hes forcing the coolness to not have a panic attack, but his face is blank. i spot irina and the others at a table and wave, my mother dragging us to a separate table with our name on it.

theres a stage with a massive projection screen, where a slideshow of the lingerie collection plays. i know at some point the pictures from the shoot will play out as well. im hoping to sneak off before then because i cant handle the embarrassment.

"so this is your life huh," san mutters next to me. i frown, his tone sounds disappointed.

"whats wrong?" i ask.

"nothing. just...i cant believe it sometimes."

hes been acting so weird. is he insecure? fuck i.dont even know where to start placing questions. my stomach sinks a little at his tone. i guess he'll never get it. he doesnt understand what im really running from. i doubt he ever will. that class disconnect will keep beating our ass.

to him, anything is better than being in a gang. i guess hes right. but that doesnt mean there arent things out there that would make you want to kill yourself. i would know.

santo walks out on the stage and everyone starts clapping like this is the oscars. "good evening everyone, buenos noches, buonasera, and everything else! welcome to the launch of the new Cosa Pericolosa brand. a brand distinct for its dangerous yet delicate beauty, made of the finest Italian lace and silk. i want to thank everyone for coming to celebrate and enjoy this milestone. there will be dancing and there will be a party, saluto!"

as soon as he gets off that stage, i see his face find my parents table. hes coming straight for us. i instantly grab san's hand under the table. he turns to me utterly confused, but i cant deal with that right now.

"mi famiglia!" santo loudly says and kisses my parents on the cheek. he gets to me and does the same, his kiss lingering on me longer than i wanted. i suppress a shiver. "tesoro, you look beautiful in the dress i picked! im so glad to see everyone here!"

"we could not have done it without you, santo!" my mother gushes. "you look so handsome!"

"ah, you are making me shy. it is really you people who are stealing the show, wait till you see how the pictures turned out!" he laughs obnoxiously, turning to smile at me.

"im so glad you are here, tesoro. it is good to finally have you back. your sister would be proud of you."

"thank you, santo." i force a smile. when really i want to scream. dont fucking bring her up, i want to scream it. but i force a stupid, docile smile. fuck if this night goes on for any longer, i might end up doing these drugs myself.

"hold on, who is this," santo finally acknowledges san. he holds out his hand to him. "i am santo falcone. but you can call me santo, you are?"

"that is yaera's date," my mother chimes in as san awkwardly takes his hand. "san choi. he is a classmate."

"oh," santo's smile tightens and he glances at me. "just a classmate?"

my father forces a laugh. "of course. do you know me? she can meet someone when it is time to get married."

santo grips san's hand for an uncomfortable amount of time till he ends up needing to rip it away. "nice to meet you, san choi. excuse me, i will return to you all. i have to greet the other guests and then have them run the music. you all enjoy the night."

he leaves, giving me a weird look before going. is he fucking jealous? does he seriously think he owns me? i dont know how my sister worked with him. hes so fucking creepy and somehow that never came up between us.

irina and the others arrive at our table next, greeting my parents with hugs and kisses. "can we steal yaera for a second? she looks so gorgeous!" claire says, gushing.

"no really, i want to rip that dress off you!" anya says. my mother rolls her eyes and laughs.

"please girls, bring her back in one piece for the show." my mother says. a smirk i know to be devious grows on irina's lips.

"oh we will, dont worry, mrs marino."

im so happy to get up from that table. san grabs my dress and looks up like a lost kid. "where are you going? dont leave me by myself here," he says under his breath.

awww hes so awkward. "ill be right back. dont miss me too much."

his eyes are desperate and his smile is so forced its hilarious. "youre really going to leave me with your parents?"

"dont worry she'll be back!" anya tells him, noticing him holding my dress. "your boyfriend is so clingy, yaera."

i can tell san is trying not to murder her with his glare. not more can be said because im whisked away. we end up in the bathrooms that look like something out of the louvre. anya and claire start taking mirror selfies while irina starts putting the money down on the sink.

"all of it is here, you can count it yourself. now where are the stuff?" she says. i start unrolling my sleeves, taking four of the bags out, getting the other five from my boobs.

anya and claire quickly come scrambling. "oh god, finally!" claire says. "we've been waiting so long."

"is it really that good?" i wonder, their relief is crazy to see. "better than what you already do?"

"alone its okay. but together with what we already do? a fucking trip to the skies," irina shakes her head with a smile. "ive never been so glad to know you, marino."

mixing drugs. that doesnt sound smart. but what do i know? im not the addict.

i smile and take the money, folding it back into my boobs. "youre welcome. and you know if you need more, where to call me."

"of course. and you better answer."

"your boyfriend is so fucking hot yaera," anya says with a sigh. "hes literally gorgeous. where did you find him?"

"careful, you cougar. you cant be talking about an 18 year old like that," i joke.

"im not even twenty three shut the fuck up!" she shoves at my shoulder.

"so he is your boyfriend?" claire smiles. the three of them coo like children when i start blushing.

"im getting there guys," i say. "hopefully soon."

"what do his parents do? he looks like a model himself." claire says.

"you know this is yaera, hes probably crazy as fuck. like the last one, what was his name?" irina chimes in with a snort. "i bet this one is the reason she has drugs in the first place."

i scowl at her. shes right but i hate that she read me so easily. "bitch, just enjoy my services. goddamn it you people are nosy."

she raises an eyebrow. "am i right though?"

i roll my eyes and start to leave, saluting on my way out. "im getting back now to my date now, goodbye ladies."

luckily when i get out, theres music playing and people are on the floor. san is sitting alone by the table, taking random sips out of a champagne glass. im so excited. i actually got money back for us. i throw my hands onto his shoulders and smile widely, unable to hold my excitement.

"so guess who collected their first payment?"

san's eyes widen. "all the money there?"

"every last note. so i think to celebrate we should dance."

san frowns and cringes. "i dont dance. im fine here."

i roll my eyes and grab his hand, pulling him up with a hard tug. "is it a sin for you to do ANYTHING fun? the music is playing and we have something to celebrate, come on."

he sighs and gives in with a lame smile. "fine."

i lead him to the dancefloor, swinging my arms around his neck. san's hands drop to my lowerback as we sway and i cant ignore the happiness bubbling in my brain. i cant stop smiling.

"you seem really happy," he notes. "you're getting a big head from your first payment huh?"

"of course. its just what i needed to prove myself to you. that i can pull my weight and that im not just some liability."

"i never said that-"

"yes you did san. many times." i remind him, and his cheeks flush from.embarrassment. "i can even quote you on it if you want?"

"please dont," he chuckles under his breath. "fine, i guess you can pull your weight."

his dimples are piercing through. i stare at him mesmerized and i cant even hide it. i bet if i was a cartoon in this very moment, i'd be having stars in my eyes.

"you're perfect, you know that?" i say without thinking.

san's eyes widen, then darken in seconds. "what?" his voice is just barely together.

"i want to kiss you again," i admit. "i think its all i'll want for a really long time."

i lightly stroke his cheeks, seeing them go rosey. this is all i have. the only thing that shows me that i do affect him.

his eyes dart down to my lips and i shrink the distance between us, till we're just barely a centimeter apart.

"i dont want you to think about it," i tell him. "just do whatever you want in the moment. thats all that matters."

"yaera..." he gulps, then takes a step back. "i-i dont know about this. lets just...this isnt good. for either of us."

"says who?" i scoff.

"says me. you and i should just stay business partners. strictly business. anything else wont end well for either of us."

hearing that makes my heart shatter and my stomach drop. fuck i can feel my eyes filling with water. i try to choke.it down but i know its obvious.

"so you're just gonna.pretend we never kissed at that party?" i lay down my arms from his neck. "youre just going to pretend that never happened?"

san stops dancing and gives me a curt nod. "i think its best we do. we both know i just represent something to you. something forbidden. thats why you want me right? because im someone you cant have."

i laugh bitterly. "i cant fucking believe you."

i feel a tear drop. san sees it and frowns. "yaera wait-"

i swat his hands away from me. "you are such a fucking dick."

i get off the dancefloor and run somewhere. i dont know where. im just walking, looking for a place to break down and sob. god this is so embarrassing. im so fucking pathetic.

i stop infront of a random room and twist the door handle. its unlocked, thank god. i go inside and fall onto the bed, my chest instantly getting wrecked. i start sobbing horrifically, unable to believe how awful i feel right now.

whats wrong with me. what is legitimately wrong with me. why was he so cold? am i not pretty enough for him or something? this cant just be about the business. i refuse to believe it. and even if it is, why do i feel so worthless?

everytime jongho has rejected me and made me feel like nothing but a stupid slut flashes infront of me. the feeling stabs me like a knife.

that must be it. thats probably what he sees me as. a stupid, desperate evil slut. all i do is throw myself at him. even at that party, i couldnt wait to be all over him. im pathetic. and desperate. i should just die.

my gloves are soaked. i cant believe how much im crying. maybe i should go back to therapy. maybe i wasnt coping as well as i thought i was.

i look up into the mirror stand, seeing my make up absolutely ruined. my entire face is red, and my hair is sticking to my soaked cheeks. i look like shit.

suddenly i remember why i stayed away from men in the first place. because im too fucking sensitive. my mood depends on them. my self worth is a reflection of how much they like me. they control whether i feel emotional highs and emotional lows.

i start laughing at myself. i cant believe i got myself into this kind of fuckery again.

the door opens suddenly, making me jolt. santo comes in and closes the door behind him, smiling tightly. i jerk up and start stumbling back, backing myself into a wall to be far away from him.

"what are you doing here?" i ask, my voice shaking.

"i saw you dancing with that...child," he slowly laughs, his tone sounding bitter. "you have no business being with someone like him, tesoro."

"santo-"

"do you know how fucking sick i felt?" he snaps, stalking like a dangerous animal. "seeing you with him? while you wear the dress i picked out for you?"

being alone was a mistake. i try to dart for the door but he grabs me and picks me up, covering my mouth with his hand. he throws me onto the bed, forcing his bodyweight on top of me. im frozen, i cant move. every karate class ive taken, all my knowledge on hurting someone just vanishes. hes on top of me and i cant move.

im sobbing again. he presses his finger to my lip, hushing me.

"i should be the only one who takes this dress off you tonight," he whispers. he starts lowering the top, leaving the top of my chest exposed. "dont cry, tesoro, you'll feel so much better after. ive been waiting for this for so long..."

"no please, santo," i beg through my tears. "please just leave me alone. please just-"

theres a few knocks on the door. "yaera, is that you? can i come in?"

that's san's voice. santo clamps his palm over my lips again and i scream.through them. its muffled. i start struggling and kicking but he wont get off me. he forces his hand harder. "fucking stop," he growls at me.

the door swings open anyway. san barges in and santo quickly jumps off me, suddenly on the other side of the room. san looks between us, frozen in his feet.

"what, did anyone say you could fucking come in?" santo screams. san stays staring between us, his face absolutely blank. santo scoffs and adjusts his suit jacket before storming out and slamming the door.

i sit up on the bed, looking at san through blurry eyes. i cant even find my voice. i cant even deal with what just happened.

"did he try..." san trails off, shaking his head at me. he rushes to sit down next to me. i cant help it, as soon as he wraps his arms around me i start bawling again.

"i cant fucking breathe. san please i just want to get away from here. please can we just leave."

he softly rubs the side of my head as he holds my face in his chest. "lets go. we'll go away from here. far away from.here. anywhere."

***

san

i dont even know where to start.

yaera and i ordered an uber from the hotel, disappearing with the permission of her father, saying she felt sick and she needed to go home. they werent happy but yaera's distraught face convinced them. they have no idea what the fuck happened tonight. they were sitting with that same guy that night.

hell, i dont even know what happened. but i could put two and two together.

yaera and i havent said a word to each other. shes passed out on my chest all the way to my apartment. i have to carry her on the way in. i have to put her down on her feet when its time to go into my apartment, and she hangs on my arm the entire time.

"you sure you fine with this?" i ask her. she nods wordlessly.

i let her inside, and she makes her way to my bed where she falls hopelessly. i go and sit down beside her, not knowing what to say. i dont know any words that can fix what happened tonight.

i know so much about her, but tonight...it made me realize i know nothing.

"this isnt the first time it happened," she says, her voice low and defeated. "the first time he did it...i was fifteen. he touched the inside of my thigh in a dressing room and kept trying it till i never went back. i never told my parents...or my sister."

i dont say anything. i let her speak.

"he told me he would never let me go. that he was in love with me. he tried so many times. at my own house. and everytime i would end up in the hospital...my parents would blame me. they would say that i was acting out. i didnt know how to tell them. they treated santo better me and my sister. hes a saint to them."

i feel my head heating up. a rich prick predator piece of shit. he deserves to disappear. he deserves to fucking rot.

i bet miss A could make a bastard like him disappear really quickly.

i take her hand and gently rub my thumb over her knuckles. i feel terrible. the only reason he was able to follow her was because of me.

"so thats why you asked me to not leave your side," i realized. "so you wouldnt be alone with him."

"he gets jealous of every man who comes near me," yaera's tears leak onto my pillow. "i thought if he saw you...he would really leave me alone this time. but it just...it made him more aggressive. he tried to..."

i pull her up and bring her into another hug, gripping her tightly. it felt like if i let her go that i'd never hold her again. that feeling terrifies me. i hate it so much.

"i'll never let him hurt you again," i swear. "i'll fucking kill him. just say the word and i will."

"i want him off my skin, san," she tells me pleadingly. "i dont want to feel him ever again. i want to scratch my skin off and be clean. i want to feel clean again."

"you arent dirty, yaera. hes the fucking filthy one for putting his hands on you," i hold her face in my hands. shes delicate, like porcelain. her eyes, that are usually so menacing and careless are filled with sadness. "youre perfect. you dont deserve that, dont for a second blame yourself. you're perfect, do you hear me?"

"if im so perfect then why dont you want me?" she whimpers. my blood runs cold. fuck how can she hit me with such a heavy loaded question.

theres no point in lying anymore. this is the last situation where i can lie.

"im scared," i admit. "im scared of you. and this. and everything. ive never had something like this, ive never had someone this close to me. i dont know how to handle it. ive been alone for so long i dont know how to let anyone be near me. i never let myself have anything. i always let go."

"please let me be there," she whispers in a tone i cant refuse. "please dont let me go. let yourself have this. let yourself have me."

my chest hurts. this night isnt going at all how i thought it would. its too much. i dont know what to say to yaera. i find my eyes feeling heavy. she takes my face in her hands again and i know she wants to kiss me. fuck it, this is the worst time. but at this point, there isnt ever a right time.

i go in for it and kiss her first. her lips are soft and velvety, and she melts against mine instantly. we start to lose our softness, with yaera pulling me closer and closer. its like she wants to take all the oxygen out of me. her kiss is hard, like a cry for help, like im all the air she'll ever need.

she breaks the kiss and drags her lips down my neck, making me shudder. yaera makes her way onto my lap and i dont fight it, her legs wrapping around me tightly as her dress rides up her thighs.

the kisses turn hot and i feel my brain losing sense. this wont end here, i know it. i want to stop it. i drag my willpower from the floor to break our kiss and she stares at me, frowning with swollen lips.

"is this really a good time?" i ask seriously. "you're really emotionally vulnerable right now. after what happened tonight, do you really think-"

"san," she interrupts me, pressing another kiss to my lips. "my life has been one big emotional fucked up moment, i want to forget. i want to have this, im so fucking dead inside. i want to feel alive again."

she stops showering me with warm pecks and looks me dead in the eye. "will you give me that?"

i hold her face again. my chest feels warm thinking about how no one sees her like this. her pain. but she trusts me enough. she lets me see it.

"i'll give you whatever you want tonight. i promise."

those words were all she needed. yaera slides her hands over my chest, pushing the suit jacket off. her hands move fast, flicking open every button till my chest is bare.

she presses her lips to mine again, her fingers tugging at my hair. i moan at the pull, surprising myself and her. she breaks the kiss and smiles down at me.

"i could get used to that sound," she teases. something stirs in me. she's so hot.

i move my hands to the back of her dress, finding the zipper. i dont break eye contact, and her smile only grows as the dress starts falling apart on her.

i slowly drag my lips down her neck, and she lets out a shiver. i fight my smile and continue to leave hot, soft kisses down her shoulder, moving down to her barely hidden cleavage. yaera harshly pulls the dress down, having rolls of money fall out and exposing her chest.

***

yaera

san stares at me after my boobs stare at him. there's a dazed look in his eyes that disappears once he lowers his mouth onto my one boob and grabs a hand full of the other.

i throw my head back, lost in a cloud after feeling his warm mouth. he starts sucking and massaging, rolling circles over my nipple. this is heaven. or something close to it definetely.

i feel my thighs tightening, warmth seeping down from my lower stomach. i try to stifle my moans, my mouth just barely gasping. he looks up at me, pausing on his motion. "you dont have to hold back. i told you i'll give you anything you want tonight," he whispers.

i hold his face with both my hands, feeling like i could cum from just staring into his eyes. "i only want you," i admit direly. i'll take anything he gives me. "but rubbing on you would be nice too."

he leans back, making me yearn. "okay, open wider."

hearing those words just makes me hotter. i get up from his lap and completely remove my dress, both of us just ignoring all the money on the floor. san's eyes hang on my every movement. im in nothing but black lace, and i dont waste time in throwing myself on his lap again, legs parted and ready.

he brings his lips to mine again, both softly and yet completely taking them as his own. his hand slips between my thighs, slowly trailing up like hes carressing fragile ceramics. i shiver as he gets closer to me, his hand finally slipping onto the base of me. he drags his thumb down my clothed folds, wrapping his arm around my waist to pull me closer.

i try to focus on kissing him, dragging my teeth down to his neck. i lose myself when he starts rubbing me with both fingers, feeling that jolt of warmth coursing through me.

my mouth is parted as my face is buried in his neck, pathetic whimpers pumping out of me. san starts going in circles, right in the perfect spot. i do myself the favour and move the fabric to the side, his warm fingers completely melting inside me as he pumps them in and out.

i know im doomed when i hear myself squelching. his rhythm is perfect, not too slow and not too fast, just enough for me to completely feel him and fade cloudily. i feel my high coming, my thighs starting to tense and my grip on him tightening. i start to kiss him frantically, till san keeps pushing his fingers faster. i feel like a hot coil, going and going till before i know it, im dripping all over his fingers.

i collapse onto his lap and he slowly drags them out, and i hear him prop them into mouth. i look at him with an accomplished smile on my face, shaking my head.

"you sick fuck, did you just taste me?"

san shrugs with a small smile on his face. "yeah, can you blame me?"

i cant contain myself, i kiss him again. i dont even feel close to done. "let me do something for you now?" i say against his lips.

"mmm mmm," san shakes his head, gently gripping my waist. "i just want you to feel good. do you?"

i nod. "i feel better than ever. but really, you dont want anything?"

he lets out a heavy sigh. "i didnt want to tell you this, but you feeling things makes me...feel things."

oh he just became ten times hotter.

i realize it now, while sitting so close to him, i can feel his massive boner poking me through his pants. i smirk to myself, getting an idea.

"oh no, you have that look on your face again," san mutters, moving my hair back. "what are you thinking?"

"readjust your friend. so i can sit on him."

san goes quiet, but i can feel him pulsing underneath me. its sensation is sending me into fucking heat all over again.

"i dont think we should go too far," he says. "dont get me wrong, i want to. i really do. but i dont think you're feeling hundred percent...after everything."

my smirk drops. i dont want to think of him. not right now. not while i have san's hands all over me. but i guess its not a good look if i do just jump his bones after everything that happened.

he holds my face in his hands and squeezes after i say nothing. "and dont think its because you're not pretty or anything. seriously, i dont know why you would even say that."

i shrug. my black and white state of thinking has never really helped me.

san picks up a pillow up and tosses it against the wall. "come on, lets fall asleep. we can talk again in the morning."

"okay," i mutter. i dont know what else to say. i get off him and and crawl into his bed. san follows after, his hot skin completely blanketing me as he puts his arm over my body and draws me against him.

"are you gonna act like nothing happened tomorrow again?" i ask.

silence.

"no. stop worrying."

his curt words dont register in my brain, because he places a warm kiss on my shoulder. it doesnt take me long to completely drift to sleep.

***

wooyoung

wooyoung knows he fucked up. he knows its all fucked up, he just doesnt know when he's going to tell san about it.

miss A is looking at him with cold eyes, he cant even utter a word because of the fear inside him. seonghwa is sprawled out on a broken couch, horrific burns all over him. hes barely alive, but he had it in him enough to tell everyone about what went down at the warehouse.

"changbin is dead, you know this right?" miss A tells him.

"yes, ma'am," he utters pathetically.

"so you know what you and lucky have to do."

he knows he cant stay a bitch in this gang for long. he knows its going to get real. petty stuff is all wooyoung is used to. extortion, scamming people. when he watched yunho die, a fear he thought was so far away just flashed infront of his eyes. he knew he'd come to be on the other end someday.

"you find that man...and you bring me his hand. or else, i'll have yours."

***

A/N: pls this chapter was a mess im sorry and it took forever to write , the next will be better 😭😭😭😭

NEXT CHAPTER

tagslist: @yujispinkhair @brown88 @sansonlygf

[definitelynotshouting]

Okay so I know I just reblogged your post but your newest Hunger AU chapter has me buzzing and I have many thoughts so I hope it's okay if I ask a few questions? Apologies if they've already been answered, I might have missed a post or two.

Firstly, what's your boundaries on people working on their own ideas based off of your worldbuilding/ideas? I mentioned it in my reblog, but I've had an AU of your AU cooking in my head for a while - are you cool if I talk about it on my blog? I don't think I'm going to write about it anytime soon, but I thought I would ask. (I know you've have fics based off your AU published - amazing works btw - but I'm referring to just using the lore for a different storyline). All credits and links would be given, of course.

Secondly (and more lore-related), you've mentioned in a few posts that Martyn is "fused" with a Listener. Do you have an idea of how it happened and when? Is Martyn aware of this? Is Jimmy a Listener or is it just Martyn?

Its always okay to ask me questions!! :D i enjoy talking to people and interacting with folks a lot, so your questions are more than welcome here❤️❤️❤️❤️

I am more than fine with people coming up with aus of hunger au, as well as posting them, talking about them, etc etc. Go crazy go wild i find it deeply flattering to have inspired someone enough to take on my worldbuilding as their own :] like you said, about the only thing i ask for is a shoutout for the og idea/inspiration (and a tag if you want me to see it!!! seriously people please tag me in stuff it makes my day i love it so much /gen)

Martyn is indeed fused with a Listener!! Here are my posts about Listener lore, as well as one that delves into their ecological niche, in case you missed them (SUPER easy to do, the hunger au tag is teeming these days LOL). Due to the nature of what Listeners are, he isn't fully aware at all, and as for how and when it happened, i dont have any specific ideas yet (beyond prior to the life games), but its likely how i imagine most Players get infected-- by entering a deep dark biome and encountering a sculk vein thats actually hiding Listener spores in it.

I havent made a post fully explaining the sculk-Listener connection just yet, but i'll probably do that next, because its something ive been meaning to talk about but havent gotten the chance to do so until now :] as for Jimmy, he is currently just a Player!!! But it's very likely he'll eventually become a Listener at some point in time, since Listeners are the universe's newest way of bottlenecking where Players go and for how long they stay in one place.

[sigmaelxgr]

Hello!

3, 7, and 15 from the OC trauma ask game for any OC of your choice :)

heyyy its the sixth time im trying to answer this ask!! :D i think Tumblr cant deal the length of it? i dont know but i couldnt just NOT elaborate on this, the questions were so good!! im so glad i can share with you points of this dunmer called Sangre/Xangr (Sangre is the most common spelling but Tumblr prefered with an X) brace yourself, dearest, bc thats a LONG answer that awaits!! LETS GO

3 - Have they died before ?

YOU BEGAN..... With the absolute most banger question of the whole ask meme. I am obliged to elaborate on this. I'll tag @shadylex bc, dear, you may like it (pls answer the same ask for Yera) How do I state this... Xangr doesnt really know if he's alive. Well. There are clues you'd say! But this boy is not quite sure about that. Xangr feels like his body is not his. He feels like his face is stolen from another. He feels like his whole life is what living as a cancer would be. He asphyxiates in his own rotten flesh. He feels his bones rejecting him so hard they cramble like glass from time to time. He feels STUCKED HERE... Somewhere not at the right place, somehow caged here inside of the One this body belongs to. So, if this meat isnt his, if those traits arent his neither, who is he? What is he here for? Does he even exist, if nothing is his? He's born aged 11, when a boy named Sigma-El shattered. He's been throwned into the hell of existance without any explanation. Xangr had no name back then. He had no idea why, he had no idea what was happening, no context, no clue but he felt MAD, he felt spontaneously FURIOUS about existing, he couldnt talk without spitting his rage to everything. He learnt quickly to dispise living, the rage turning his gaze away from his body, that made him SUFFER without any reason to be found. Pain alterated his appreciation of the world. Xangr experienced suffering so hard he was blinded by it. Each fiber of his being tore him apart, so violently he would bite, bleed himself to feel relief...

Until years, and years later, free from the Telvannis and far from Vvardenfell that he fled in his desperate fury against everything, an Altmer called Cyriel took long months to establish a dialogue with him. It was at first chaotic, but Cyriel understood that this insane violence directed toward the outside found its source directly into core. Cyriel acknowledged pain. He acknowledged trouble, hunger for answers, wishes for loneliness, DISTRESS. He asked him if he has a name, HIS name, and Xangr, named Sigma-El back then, said "Sangre." (A red pigment, HIS fav color)

Now that he has a word to design himself with, he began slowly to live as such. It took years again for Cyriel and Xangr to explore the implications of this new statement. What Xangr is, what is his role here. Cyriel was a fantastic friend, such a nice character (I love him with so much tenderness) but even now with dawning of answers, questions remained and Xangr feelt deeper and deeper as a hack, a fraud, he understood that they are at least two and feelt existing as stealing Sigma-El's life.

Sigma-El is here, somewhere, asleep. He knows the day Sigma-El would wake up, he'd die probably in counterpart. It would be the day he's not needed anymore - and each time Sigma-El or what will become Molkhun Dahkem take on their body, Xangr experiences anguish of disappearance again and again.

He feels alive nowadays, when he's painting his skin, when he's sewing his dresses, when he's performing dances, when he's having sex, when he eats juicy fruits or kahjiiti tajines, when he hears the enchanting sounds of his jewelry... and even more after the Planemeld in which he heavily took part back then, as a Worm Cultist. He got so much into death, so much into self-destruction..!

Now that he learnt to accept their condition, to love Sigma-El, to love himself too, pain appeased a lot. Yet he's so scared to die and willing to live his own life, he knows the clock is ticking bc he disobeyed Coldharbour, he knows he has to enjoy seconds before Oblivion reaps him... Even if in doing so, he keeps his dear Sigma-El forcefully shutted down for a while.

Life...or even what feels like a simulacre of it... Is way too good. Way too precious. Way too much of a miracle.

So I'd say.

Yes, Xangr knows death. He knows existing and non-existing. That's why he's so eager to survive.

7 - How easy is it to make them cry ?

You won't be capable to. He even doesnt know how to do. It happens that he feels numb and his body sometimes craves for tears, but they dont fall. It's like he never learnt to do so. It remains stucked.

Its due to the fact that even if, now, its better than ever, he doesnt feel connected to his envelop. He doesnt feel connected to his own feelings enough to let them exist this way. First, he's not concerned about people's emotions at all and dont experience them the same way, but foremost he struggles to let them live. That's why his smile is beautiful but empty, Xangr has a pretty face but almost no active emotions going through it. BUT THERE IS AN EXCEPTION. This exception being Sigma-El. When Xangr focus on Sigma-El, when he puts his hand on his belly as he was bearing a child, there is a link that creates here. He's so deeply merged with Sigma-El that he fades crying when his soul reverberates the later's light. Sig is now everything to Xangr, it's his infant, his lovely dear, his life evolves only around him being asleep and needing protection... Xangr feels so much intimacy, so much spontaneous understanding when Sigma-El is there with him, it's too much to handle. Brushing Sigma-El with the very end of his fingers... Brings the euphoria, the joy of existing and suddenly having all the answers. He gets emotional each time he mentions him.

15 - Are they neurodivergent ?

Heck yes they are. They are a system of alters, the host being Sigma-El. Sigma-El as such have a lot of autistic traits he gave to Xangr when he "fell asleep". Xangr is stimming a lot, barely interested in social conveniences, looks blunt, has a taste for riddles and troubles interacting with people. He's very independant and most of the time he's a sweetheart that people learn to love. He has a passion for erotic novels - he seeks stimulation and likes everything that brings sensations to his numb body. He's a bit ADHD, like myself, and we share some similarities that have a funny history. As no psychiatry is available in the TES, I made of their multiplicity a subject of wonder. Cyriel for exemple has theories of what happened, explaining with prisms and light theories, Xangr is more of a "We are a triangle" boy - he explains using geometry... But only Sigma-El has the answers. Xangr consideres Sigma-El to be like a mini-god having the power to mold himself in aspects and shapes. Its why Xangr reveres no Divine ; he reveres Sigma-El.

[silvermoonshipping-is-love]

previous anon here! its absolutely understandable why you feel that way, especially since i noticed you were here during the creepypasta fandom recession era (2016-2019), where people were starting to police what was the right and wrong way to intepret the pastas.

As for the drownedsilver hate, while i cant confirm for sure it was the source, was primarily started by a pokepasta fnf community member who has been recently outed as a creep and a generally terrible person (who called any ship they disliked proship!!) 😭 they had an iron grip over that community for 2 years, hence why so many people were dogpiling! Now that they're gone, i see more people being comfortable with putting out drowndsliver content out there!

I dont know if this information or acknowledgement will eleveate your anxiety. But i hope you gain the courage to post more about your own intepretations of ben and silver 🫂 You shouldnt feel like you have to appease a wider public to enjoy what you love.

My favourite example is the fact that say Ben HAD to be a pervert or a stoner and an asshole, nevermind the fact he's a deeply traumatized child, stuck in a video game and canonly a pacifist and not (intentionally) hurting anybody, like that is fine, but GOD FORBID you make EJ's skin slightly blue-ish to go with his overall colour palette. But also god forbid if you draw or write anything messed up or more mature in whatever way?? If anything the creepypasta fandom of all things being so strict is so odd, most characters don't have a fully set personality or the fact that all kinds of awful shit happens to them, especially CHILDREN, but wanting to draw two characters smooching? Now you've gone too far lmao.

Policing fandoms and fandom activity is a rising trend and I'm not happy about it as a "fandom old" so to speak lol. My motto is unless you are genuinely harming someone in real life or crossing someone's boundaries, just tag it correctly, and you do you. I may not like everything you do personally, but unless you are actively interfering with me or trying to harm me or others, whatever.

Also I was never in the community fully due to the incident and the hate towards SilvernMoon, so I never heard about this person. But unfortunately I'm not even that shocked, if you're that adamant about how wholesome or pure or unproblematic you are and everyone has to be, then you just seem all the more likely to have some skeletons so to speak. Just a real shame about my one FNF AU, cause it's sort of a personal one to me, cause of venting and feelings depicted.

If you mean creep as I think you do, I hope the victims are okay now.

But on the flip side I also eventually thought the fnf community are hypocrites anyways. Cause I saw all the hate for SilvernMoon while not even say incest stuff got as much hate in all my fandom years, yet the very person most of the community shipped Silver with? Red. The Red from his story. The same Red that is the whole reason Silver is forgotten and dead! I don't want to fully ship-shame, I just wanna showcase the irony, like- THAT is fine but SilvernMoon is wrong?? SilvernMoon out of all ships I ever saw is the one people drew the line at and hated the absolute shit out of???

Also there was a similar person over here in the regular creepypasta fandom that dogpiled on me as a minor, so that added, who called me a pdf file because I portray these characters as adults and made a more adult joke, but they INSISTED every version of Ben had to be 12 years old. Gurl, I don't know how to tell you, but the ghost kid that haunts a Nintendo Cartridge... He's not real, his whole concept as a cyber ghost isn't real. I know it's shocking to hear, you may sit down from that, but it's the truth.

I am getting better but it still feels like a long road to fully heal and say "fuck the haters"... I keep trying to even do youtube or stuff, but all this is holding me back pretty strongly-

[my-silly-rabbit]

general blog stuff: 💜 hello! names gems! I'm 25 and have brain rot for this man. im sorry im like this. I have no excuse. it's the British accent and Mathew Lillard for me. 💜 I'm rather picky about my man. Dave Miller, or as i like to call him "nft monkey", will not be on my blog unless someone draws him very well and to my liking. 💜I'm also selective on his weight. I'm aware that it is canon that he was a bigger man but il be honest, I dont trust Scott or a lot of fans with weight in relation to him being a deplorable murderer man. as a 400+ ib person myself, I dont feel comfortable with my own weight on such a man even though I love him dearly. also, as a big person myself, the internet has sorta tainted seeing plus-size fictional characters in a pos light due to fetishes and junk. idk who to trust with my size or not. especially on a character I care so much about. . + I admit I have a horrid taste that's been tainted by Tumblr sexy men. I'm sorry. I love plus-size Afton art in general but my self-ship blog will most likely not have it for my own body comfort and tastes. its not a 100% no but it depends. self shipping involves a connection to art and i just dont feel it for a lot of plus-size art. I do get the gender pos feels though. i love seeing him, its just more my own insecurities with people online involving weight. 💜please be nice. ik people aren't fond of Afton fans, I've had my good share of stinkers. he is a comfort character on top of a f/o so please just. if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all. tags:

💜🐇 = William

💛 🎈 = Bonbon

🍰 💃 = Ms. Afton

🧰🐻 = Henry

self-insert: 💜 name: Bonbon Benson 💜 age: 25+ (it changes around but always mid 20s - late 30's) gender/pronouns: nonbinary any but mainly she/her bio down below VVVVVVVVVV

Bio: as a child, bonbon wasn't very well cared for. her parents were poor and always fought. this caused Bonbon to hide away in themselves and try to not be a burden. they eventually developed a love for robotics and wanted to further that career but their homelife and mid to high-functioning autism made that difficult. her parents eventually divorced after the birth of her sibling, Molly, and stuff started to look a bit better. but that didn't last long. bonbon couldn't manage to finish high school due to her anti-social behavior, lack of friends, poor home life, and poor grades in most classes outside of math and science. She is 25+ now and still needs to get her GED but living with her distant dad and no friends, it's very hard to think. its not the best environment to do schoolwork. never was. after the divorce, her mother gained a large sum of money and this caused her sibling to be rather spoiled, which their mother isn't fond of so to help her branch out, she let her have visits with Bonbon and their dad.....aka just bonbon.

(pic of molly. picrew link: here) there are not many places a kid would enjoy in Hurricane, Utah. molly only wanted to go to the library but Bonbon felt like their little sister deserved someplace better. then she saw an ad for Freddy's. idk which Freddy's, they change with the timelines, vers of William etc but it's usually between Fred Bears and Freddy's JUST opening. early enough for Bonbon to still see William use the Springbonnie suit at least a few times before showcasing the band. once they got there, bonbon fell in love. the lights, the games, the animatronics....everything. they never had anything like it as a child. they felt so happy just being able to see something so lively.....and yet it brought Molly no joy. She found it loud, crowded, and annoying.

bonbon couldn't understand. She was a kid??? why did she like it so much??? it infuriated Bonbon...but at least she wasn't alone. after a few visits, the founders took notice of the hyper adult adoring their pizzeria with no child in sight (Molly stayed cooped in one of the booths the whole time). and William eventually started striking up conversations. bonbon is a....hyper sort. easy to read and William found it refreshing. As much as she adores what he does, she isn't afraid to say how she feels. just barely a filter on this little lady. idk what more to say lol. they become silly murder partners, bonding over how much kids take that adults also enjoy and their lost youths

either ms afton is a few years already dead or in their silly polycule.

[speltfields]

NO WAAAYYY YOUR NEW WIP 😭😭😭😭 YOURE TRYING TO KILL US !!!!!

and about music he listens to it's so hard for me to decide some genre i've listened to all the shane playlists on spotify and i can't decide

what about you????

-🫶 anon

ok so first off to my non stardew followars (sorry) im gonna start tagging everything with #sdv posting so u can blaclklist. love u

answer under the readmore to save u all from the harmful psychic rays of my thoughts

i habe been thinking about the answer to this question for SOOOO LONGGGGG because i feel this has layers like here's all the different factors I have to consider

[and willfully ignore because hes my wet pathetic doll i can do whatever i want with]

1. stardew takes place in like the 80's yeah? 🤔🤔🤔 i ignore this one most of the time. giving them cellphones is funny. its the 2020s they all just have bad cell service and dial up still

2. emilys 8 heart event shane dresses like a punk. Dude gives off "i wanted to be a goth in middle school but couldnt afford tripp pants from the mall but now im an adult and too lazy to try" vibes. maybe his music taste reflects this

3. Umm he's "old" Lol (affectionate) I see him like late 30's early 40's...

4. But is he like COOL old or THINKS hes cool old (important distinction you have surely been around both types of men before and know the difference)

these are all of the factors i have to consider when choosing what music he would listen to.. the like "game takes place during the 80s" thing is the rule i play fast and loose. I only care about it if its funny contextually. usually its funnier if its not the case. Anyways onto the actual headcanons

I think shane would have pretty bad taste in music but once u are friends with him he's open to listening to new stuff and if you show him something new he hadn't heard before he'd say "Huh you're kind of weird aren't you 😏" making fun of you for it but secretly he'd think it was good/ he is def open to listening to new stuff. He secretly does like old school country as well. Noone knows this. You discover john denver/johnny cash cds buried under his bed (he listens to them to feel cool)

I think he would believe he had an eccentric music taste but then you'd go through his collection and its like... weezer. rhcp. maybe some metal. and ur like. This is Dad Rock Radio Tier and he'd be like "WHAT green day isnt dad rock" (i dont believe this yet but id say it to him anyway to make him mad. you understand)

you'd show him some shit like roswell kid and he'd go crazy for it even though its kinda cheesy. also he's randomly into stuff like aphex twin too.

I feel compelled to make him listen to the music i like but i know that that's wishful thinking. he's a dork that's why i like him. i might have to compound on this later when my brain works better (it takes me several weeks to form a single creative thought)

I haven't listened to any shane spotify playlists maybe i should... i do have my own playlist of songs that REMIND me of him but not necessarily stuff i think he'd listen to. I'm too embarrassed to post this 😈