#> this is the irl friend i. have a mild crush on but we dont talk abt that 🙈 i dont think he feels the same so. ah well

[waloeders]

hihi am abt to go to sleep (i have to be up for train to fob) but pls check out some halloween fit pics >:33

these r such bad pics argrhrrhgrhrh i didnt wanna be that guy takin pics but still !!!!! the look slayed yippeee <333 lots of love n gn

[gguksgalaxy]

Bulls Eye | JJK | Bottoms Up

A summer weekend isn’t complete without Jungkook coming to seek you out at your job at the beach club to bless you wish his smile. A smile that quickly fades to anger one night, when he catches your ex trying to get your attention.

›› Bottoms Up Masterlist ›› AU: Friends to Lovers ›› Genre: Smut / Fluff / Angst ›› Rating: 18+ (sexual content) ›› Pairing: JJK x Reader ›› Word Count: 9.4k Warning Include: Mild violence, swearing, minor injuries, alcohol, toxic past relationship, toxic ex, sex, fingering, cunnilingus, lots of smooching.

Jungkook: Okay but when do I finally get to meet u irl? [19:23]

You: You're legit going to see me like, tonight [19:25]

Jungkook: Meeting u when ur at work doesn't count :((( [19:34]

You: Jungkook, you see me every weekend, the entire summer [19:36]

You: How much more of me do you want to see? [19:36]

You: Nvm dont answer that [19:38]

Jungkook: Ur just scared imma beat ur ass in mario kart [19:38]

Jungkook: Ill let you win though if that means we can hang out :((  [19:40]

Jungkook: Hello? [19:45]

Jungkook: ARE YOU IGNORING ME? [19:59]

Jungkook: I am: H U R T [20:10]

You chuckle at your phone as you’re doing your make-up sitting at your vanity. Jungkook’s been like this for the short time that you’ve known him. It was a little under a year ago when he’d left his phone number on a napkin at your work. Normally you know better than to pick up random number from semi-drunk strangers but his smile had been too good to deny. That, and he had been more friendly than the normal party-goer.

From working at a beach club in the summer, you’re not unaccustomed to receiving numbers that you truly do not want.

When you met Jungkook, he was arguably a little bit tipsy, but he made no attempt at flirting with you as he dropped down onto the barstool in front of you.

You’d been dating someone, something you’d made very clear and it hadn’t mattered to him. You’d be lying to say you hadn’t been a little curious about him. He’d smiled, wide-eyes and wholeheartedly, and you might’ve been whipped ever since. So you’d taken his number under the pretence of sending him the dumb picture you’d taken of him. At his own request.

Here you are, nearly a year later and one boyfriend less. Jungkook has kept texting you but you’ve never really been sure about taking your relationship past your work. According to him, he became a regular just to see you. But it’s easier to not fall too deep in your crush as long as work is the only place you see him.

For him, it seemed to be more of a struggle. When the club closed for winter you truly had expected him to grow bored of you and stop texting. Especially because last year, you were still dating your ex. Also known as the demon who made you last autumn a living hell. 

Jungkook, on the other hand, is an angel. Or well, he might be a bit of a brat from time to time but you’ll take it in stride if you get to enjoy his presence a little more. His daily texts at least. 

It’s because of his sheer kindness and unabashed behaviour that your ever-growing crush developed past a small infatuation. You catch yourself smiling in the mirror just thinking about him. His sweet smile and soft lips. His sharp jawline and broad shoulders. His hands that — you really need to get your head out of the gutter.

That’s how you knew your crush had taken a … ‘bad turn’. When he’d sent you a Snapchat of his Starbucks drink and your first thought was; ‘I wonder what that hand would feel like on my body’. Or when he’d sent you a video of him working out — obviously as a joke — and all you could see what the bulging of his arm muscles.

Truly, you’re whipped for him and you’re afraid to admit it. His flirting has never passed the line of playful, it’s just there to tease you. Guys like Jungkook — caring, sweet, good-looking — don’t go for you. You’d rather keep your friendship with him, than take a risk and lose everything.

Your phone chimes again, not aiding you in your thoughts. It only makes your smile widen.

Jungkook: I will come whoop ur ass tonight if u don't text me back! [20:31]

You: Oh stop crying will you? I was getting ready [20:31]

Jungkook: Did u think about me? [20:31]

You: Jungkook, why in the lord would I be thinking bout you? [20:33]

Jungkook: Oh I dunno, cuz Im cute? cuz u love me? :(( [20:35]

You: Do I tho? [20:36]

Jungkook: D: [20:36]

You: See you in a few hours kook [20:36]

Jungkook: yiss [20:36]

The club is bustling, the air warm and humid as soon as people start to trickle in. The weather is calm, after a few rainstorms it’s good to feel the ocean breeze. It’ll be busy tonight, and you’re prepared for it.

It takes an hour or two for the club to be filled, music on blast and beer flowing like water. You’re behind the black wooden bar, dressed in a red off-shoulder blouse that hangs loosely around your frame. The dress code at work is jeans and anything red, so you invested in a pair of red sneakers just to match.

The dance floor is crowded, people moving, dancing as you mix drink after drink upon request. Cocktails are your specialisation, that is your corner of the bar. By the time your two hours in your hands are sticky with liquor.

As you’re washing your hands, you find yourself searching for that one familiar face. The fact that Jungkook is about as handsome as they come hasn’t helped you fall for him any less in the short time you let yourself. The second you stopped withholding yourself from thinking about him like that, you found yourself thinking about him like that — all of the time. To the point where you almost drunk dialled him, twice.

Truly, you hope to see him. A night at the club is not complete without Jungkook gracing you with his smile. You remember he said something about dying his hair recently, and you’re curious to see as to what he’s done.

A girl walks up to you with an order, and you’re amidst making her three cosmopolitans when Jungkook finally shows himself.

The glass almost drops out of your hand when you lay eyes on him. “Jungkook,” you stammer out.

He’s wearing a thin white t-shirt, neckline showing his collarbones that are covered in a faint sheen of sweat. The fabric clings to his chest a little, not leaving much to the imagination. He’s more muscular than you thought. You wonder if he —

“Hello, eyes up here,” he chuckles, smiling widely.

You blink at him, realising his hair is a few shades lighter than its usual black hue. It softens out his features, yet the side part reveals his forehead and makes him look more mature at the same time. The way in which he looks both sweet and sexy is odd — confusing is perhaps a better word.

“Hey,” you manage to blurt out, trying to focus on your work again. You pour the girl her drinks and garnish them with a piece of orange zest.

“Did you just get here?” you ask Jungkook.

He shakes his head. “No, I got here about an hour ago.”

“And you didn’t come say hi? I’m offended.”

He chuckles again, nose scrunching up. “Let me give you a hug as consolation?”

Your eyes widen at the request. It’s not that you haven’t hugged him before. He’s managed to ensnare you enough times when you were out collecting glasses. Though, this is the first time he’s so openly asked for it and your stomach jumps at the thought. For your own sanity, you want to protest but you find yourself unable to.

“Please? I haven’t seen you for eight months. Give a guy some love.” Jungkook cocks his head to the side, a gesture that makes his hair fall over his forehead. The light catches his eyes — you can’t say no to those eyes.

“Fine, fine,” you sigh with a roll of your eyes as you sling the towel over your shoulder.

Jungkook grins so widely you blush as he envelops you into a bone-crushing hug. He is warm, smelling like an odd mix of beer, sweat and a light perfume. Strangely, it works but you can’t help but wonder how nice he’d smell when he’s not in a club. The perfume you caught definitely matches him.

You can just withhold yourself from literally inhaling him as you rest your chin on his shoulder. His shirt is so thin that you can feel the dip of his spine as your hand grazes his back. Your stomach flutters again.

He lets go too soon, and you have to stop yourself from pouting. “The usual?” you ask.

“Yeah, Tae and Jimin are hanging out somewhere, so two beer too.” He looks over his shoulder to where he must assume his friends are. You don’t seem them, but you doubt they’d stray far. He usually comes with them, though he’s shown up alone too. Every Saturday in the summer like clockwork.

Jungkook always orders the same cocktail. You step back behind the bar as he watches you carefully. His eyes follow you as you move — you’re hyper-aware of it, but too afraid to look up and meet his gaze.

Bulls Eye is not a drink that’s order often, but you’ve started to associate it with Jungkook. As you pour the lemon juice into the shaker, you mix it with light beer, ginger ale, and some sugar. It’s stirred, not shaken. The drink is not your thing, but you’ve tried it on his recommendation. Sadly, anything with beer has a tendency to make your tastebuds cringe.

It’s poured over ice, cold in your hand at you pass it to him. “Here, not too heavy on the lemon juice.”

“You remember?”

“How could I not?”

Jungkook seems taken aback by your comment, silent for a few beats too long. He doesn’t shake out of his trance until you give him the two beers. “Thanks! The others must be wondering where I went. I’ll see you around!”

You smile at him, giving a short wave as he walks off with the drinks crammed in his hands. He turns back to look at you once before he disappears into the crowd. You hope he didn’t catch you staring.

Seeing him again — hugging him — has truly confirmed that you’re in over your head. Your heart is thrumming just from the sight of him. It’s been eight months and yet you swear he matured. The purposely odd-angled Snapchats truly didn’t do him justice.

You remember a few months ago when he’d started sharing his workouts with you. Apparently, he’d been held up by a shoulder injury, but now he was back on his regular regime. Also known as the regime where he spends most of his free time either working out of playing video games. Either of which you receive excessive clips of.

The thoughts make you chuckle. You’ve never been much of a gamer, but Jungkook's excitement about it has pushed you dangerously close to getting yourself a console. Who knows, maybe soon.

His offers to play Mario Kart with you are tempting. It’s the thought of what could happen that make you hesitate every time. The chance of this ending in shambles becomes more and more likely the deeper you fall for him. You’re not sure there even is a way out anymore.

“Hey, miss whipped!” your colleague calls out, waving a hand in front of your face.

“W-what?” You shake yourself.

She chuckles. “Legit, are you still not dating him?”

You frown. “Who? Jungkook? No, we’re not dating.”

“You’re willing to tell me that you two are out here looking at each other like you’re about to walk down the aisle and you’re not dating? Girl, get a grip, the boy’s all over you. Has been since the first time he saw you.” She’s washing out the dirty glasses, hands moving quickly.

You’re unsure of what to tell her. It’s the second year you’re working together but you wouldn’t really consider her a friend. “I’m not sure about that.”

“Wait.” She stops. “Don’t tell me you’re still dating that douche from last year? I know we’re not close but he was a dick and you need to get rid of him.”

“No, no. I broke up with him a few months ago.” You think back of your ex. Last summer when you’d taken this job he’d been displeased. But it’d worsened when he came to see you and decided that every guy who ordered from you was either flirting with you or out to take you from him. He’d always been a little possessive, but after summer he’d just crossed the line with you. Though, breaking up with him wasn’t as easy as you’d thought it’d be.

Despite him being possessive, you really thought you loved him. You didn’t want to lose him and it caused you to be stuck in an unhappy relationship for three months. Until you finally decided to cut him out — a messy breakup to be honest.

If it wasn’t for Jungkook showing you that you were so unhappy you’d still have been moping around.

“Well then,” your colleague says. “What are you waiting for? If I had a guy that hot smiling at me like I’m the sun his earth revolves around I would jump his bones any chance I got.”

“Nina!” you squeal.

“What?” she answers wide-eyed. “Oh please, you must’ve thought about it. Did you see his pecs?”

You blush furiously. “Okay! That’s enough lusting after my friend for tonight!” You push her towards the sink and get back to taking orders.

If she’d been wrong you doubt you’d be this flustered. But she’s not. You hate yourself for thinking about him like that. Jungkook’s a nice guy, he’s not out for more than a friendship. Surely he’d have said so if he was. Right?

You see Jungkook three more times that evening, each time a little more drunk and with a little bit of a wider smile. Though, when he comes to you for his fourth drink he asks for water. His t-shirt sticks to his skin and he giggles out something about needing some refreshment. You tell him to go for a swim in the sea. He replies with a wiggle of his eyebrows, asking you to join him. For skinny dipping.

You blush; your mistake. He sees right through you, eyes narrowing but no commentary following. Instead, he purposely brushes his hand against yours when you hand him his drinks — you now this because he lingers a tad too long. His gaze settles on you before he walks away and you want to blame it on the alcohol in his system but it feels like he knows.

Nina leans over to you. “Girl, your boy is giving you bedroom eyes. Are you really out here telling me he doesn’t want you?”

“Stop!” you shriek.

“Listen, it’s easy. You want him, he wants you. Nobody says you have to bed him, though I’d advise you to. He looks good.”

You roll your eyes at her again, walking into the back to get something to eat and take a breather. The night is warm, but the breeze that trickles in from the open back door is nice. You wish you could swim actually. It’s been a long time since you actually went to the ocean, even if you live so close. Life’s been busy.

When you walk into the club to collect empty glasses and bottles, you spot Jungkook. He’s with his friends, laughing and dancing without seemingly a care in the world. He doesn’t see you, but when he smiles particularly wide your own lips twitch.

You wonder whether being with Jungkook would be as bad of an idea as you thought. Being stuck in this crush for the rest of your friendship might be the end of you. He is too good to be true, yet he’s right here within reach and you’re letting him slip between your fingers.

Would kissing him be as good as you’ve imagined? Because you certainly have imagined it — his lips on yours, soft and maybe a little demanding, smiling into it even.

A hand wraps around your arm and you’re pulled around before you can truly register what happens. “Hey, babe.” You recognise the drawl of the pet name immediately. Your ex.

He smiles at you, fingers smoothing down your arm with a slight tilt of his head. His grin is glazed over with the effects of alcohol in his blood. He’s drunk, about to start something.

You take a tentative step back. “What do you want Hyunwoo?”

Instead of answering immediately, he moves closer with fingers trailing your waist. “I’m just wondering if you’ve had enough time to think? Did you realise you miss me yet?”

The scoff that slips past your lips is probably a mistake — the twist of his face shows his displeasure.

“Babe, don’t be like that. You said you needed space, didn’t I give you that?’

“No,” you spit. “That was months ago Hyunwoo. Before I broke up with you.”

He licks his lips and you hold your breath. Hyunwoo is mostly bark and, usually, no bite, but won’t hurt you but starting a scene is not past him. “People change their minds, don’t they?”

You push his hand off your hip. “Listen, you and I are done. I don’t want to be with you anymore, we don’t work. It’s better if you just leave me alone.” He’d better leave your sight soon. You’ve closed this chapter of your life and this just brings back bad memories you don’t need. Unwilling to grant him another second of your time you turn away to go back to the bar.

He grabs your hand again, pulling you against him. “Babe, come on.”

“Hyunwoo, let fucking go of me!”

Someone pushes him away from you, pulling you back.

“I think you need to back off,” Jungkook snarls suddenly from beside you. Hyunwoo reaches for you but Jungkook stops him with a shove. “I said back off man.” His voice is laced with anger and when you finally gather yourself enough to look up at him you’re surprised to see the furious look on his face.

Jungkook’s eyes are dark, brows set — it’s almost scary.

Your ex merely scoffs. “Who the fuck do you think you are, kid?”

“Someone who’ll treat her much better than you ever did. Now fuck off before I rearrange your teeth.”

The way Jungkook speaks is so out of character, you barely recognise him. Never have you heard him this angry over anything — it’s pure disgust coming out of his mouth. You suppose he’s never liked Hyunwoo, but you sure hope he can keep his hands to himself.

“Jungkook,” you try, touching his arm that’s coiled tight.

“I cared for her when no-one would and what?” Hyunwoo’s eyes run up and down Jungkook’s body. “She cheats on me with a highschooler.”

Jungkook scoffs. “You call isolating her from her friends, caring?” He steps towards Hyunwoo with a puffed-out chest. Your attempt to pull him back by his shirt only fails. “She didn’t cheat on you, have a little self-respect and leave her alone.”

“Self-respect? She’s the one going around fucking randoms.”

“That’s it,” Jungkook barks, shoving him back two steps. “You manipulative fuck, you have thre—“

He doesn’t get to finish his sentence before Hyunwoo’s fist connects with his cheek.

“Jungkook!” you exclaim, but he doesn’t hear you. Instead, he retaliates before you can do anything. Jungkook hits him back and you flinch upon the impact. You’re nailed to your spot as you watch Jungkook’s fist collide with his face again, not even stumbling. Everything around you slows down, you try to pull at Jungkook’s shirt, call his name, but he keeps pushing Hyunwoo further back.

“Stop!” you yell. People around you take notice, and someone tries to pull you back as Hyunwoo tackles Jungkook to the ground. He hits him in the face again and you cry out.

Suddenly, two security guards rush in. They just manage to stop Hyunwoo from hitting Jungkook again. Jungkook scrambles up from the floor and wipes the blood from his mouth as the guards force Hyunwoo out of the club. He yells something you can’t hear over the thumping of your heart.

Jungkook pushes at the third guard that comes for him, swaying on his feet.

“Hey!” you splutter out. The man from security recognises you, stopping with a firm grip on Jungkook’s upper arm. “It’s alright, he was protecting me. I’ll take him outside.”

“Are you certain miss?” He gives Jungkook a sceptical look. One of Jungkook’s eyes is watering, and there’s a bit of blood running from his nose.

You nod. “Yeah, I’ll get him some ice and send him on his way.” Jungkook is rubbing a hand over his eye, and you shakily grab his elbow to stop him. You look around, hoping to find Jimin or Taehyung so they can take him home, but they’re nowhere to be found. “Let's go.” Your voice falters, laced with nerves as you try to steady your own legs.

Jungkook sets his jaw. You shove him forward but he won’t budge. “Go Jungkook, to the bar.” Your legs feel like lead, body heavy with what just happened. He grumbles something when he finally starts walking to the front. The fear of what could’ve happened to him won’t stop running circles through your mind.

You guide him behind the bar and Nina perks up at the sight of him. “What happened?!”

“He punched my ex in the face,” you scoff.

She shoots Jungkook an approving look. “Good riddance.”

“Listen,” you say, grabbing a glass full of ice. “I can’t find his friends so I’m taking him to mine. Will you guys be okay without me?”  Jungkook’s slumped against the bar behind you, still not having said a word.

Nina nods. “Yeah, you look pretty shaken up yourself. We’ll be fine. Do you need me to call a cab?”

You shake your head. “It’s okay. I don’t live far.”

Jungkook huffs at you when you sit him down on a chair in the back. He really overstepped himself, and you want to be angry at him for making a scene at your work. But then again, he wasn’t the one who started throwing punches and the fact that he did it to protect you…you can’t just get mad. He could’ve gotten so much worse, you’re just glad he’s okay.

“Wait here.” You shuffle around the cabinets to find a washcloth and dump the ice in there, trying it up and giving it to him. “Here, for your cheek.”

He doesn’t take it, he just keeps rubbing his eye and blinking aggressively. “I think I’ve something in my eye.”

You sigh, slapping away at his hand from his face and tipping his head back into the light. “I think you just have a serious case of stupid.” Surprisingly, he lets you examine his eye, gently rubbing the skin under it. “It looks fine, just stop rubbing it.”

Jungkook blinks up at you. “Thanks.”

“Where are Jimin and Taehyung?”

He frowns, trying to think. “Uh…I think they were going out for food. I was going to join them after I said bye to you when I saw — what’s his name — talking to you.”

“Okay, well…I live one subway station away. I have a spare mattress, you can stay over for tonight. Come on.” You pull Jungkook up and he stumbles but manages to stop himself from completely falling over. He’s less drunk than you thought, probably just shaken up like you are. You’re not sure if he’s hurt past bruising, but at least his nose has stopped bleeding. At home, you’ll get to take a better look.

You exit through the back door, grabbing your coat and bag and pushing Jungkook towards the subway. He doesn’t say much, on his way there, just silently holds the ice against his face — it’s not going to last long in these temperatures.

You think back, the way that Hyunwoo went from nothing to full-on fist fighting within seconds. It flashes before your eye — Jungkook on the floor under him. Though he too had seemed pretty adamant on giving Hyunwoo a permanent facial.

Once you reach the station Jungkook grabs your hand, ice-cold and wet. You look up at him, his cheek red and a little swollen. “You okay?”

He looks at his feet. “I’m sorry.”

You sigh, squeezing his hand. “It’s okay, let’s just go to my place.” When the train arrives you realise his nose is bleeding again, and motion for him to hold the washcloth up.

Jungkook looks defeated as he sits down next to you. It takes him two entire seconds to lean into your side and nod off. His hair smells nice like he washed it just before he went out. It’s soft, floral maybe even.

As you sit here next to him you realise his hand is still loosely encasing yours, laying in your lap. You never expected Jungkook to just protect you like that. The way Hyunwoo just attacked him, you just hope that he really doesn’t have anything aside from a future bruise. The thought of Jungkook getting hurt because of you is not something you think you can stomach. Even if your ex totally deserved it — maybe you should’ve seen it coming. After all, it had been Jungkook who’d shown you that you deserved better.

When he nuzzles his cheek into your shoulder you realise that better might be him after all. Jungkook has always offered you warmth, a shoulder to cry and lean on.

You gently shake him awake at your stop, and he blushes when he opens his eyes to see you so close. It’s endearing, and you find yourself no longer caring to hide your feelings. You brush the hair out of his face. “We’re here,” you whisper.

Jungkook stumbles after you, sleepily dragging himself up the stairs where he bumps into you again. He’s finally stopped rubbing his eye but it remains a little red. You push him ahead when he wavers and spot scuff marks and a cut on his elbow. It’s worse than he’s letting on.

“Kook, you’re bleeding.” You stop him, twisting his arm to look at it. It doesn’t look to deep and you sigh in relief. The way you’d pulled him has him close to you, almost nose to nose when you look up. “A-are you okay?”

He nods slightly, eyes skimming over your face.

“Okay, we’re almost there.”

Your stomach keeps twisting with the realisation that he got hurt because of you. If it hadn’t been for the guards…Jungkook he’s more than just a friend to you. Even if you never hung out, the steady presence in his life is so important to you. You don’t want to imagine it without him. He texts you almost every day if he can, and maybe it was a good place to start. You feel that you know him as you watch him slump against the wall of the elevator. He knows you. There was nothing physical before you fell.

Jungkook hesitates on your doorstep, looks inside the hall as if something is going to jump out at him.

“Get inside Kook.” You look at him over your shoulder. “I’m going to get a warm towel and some stuff to clean the cuts on your elbows and we—“

You’re muffled by Jungkook pulling you into a hug. Your heart jumps as your cheek is pressed against his chest while he holds you. The washcloth is cold against your back where he still holds it. He rests his chin on top of your head, holding you tight. His chest is warm, and you find yourself pressing even closer — you want to feel this forever. He holds you as if it’s the most normal thing in the world.

Tears sting the corners of your eyes as you wrap your arms around his waist. All the tension releasing itself it seems. “Kook.”

“I’m sorry, okay. I just — I saw him grabbing you and I saw how uncomfortable you were. All I could think of was protecting you and I should’ve stayed out of it. I only made it worse and I — I can’t imagine what you must think of me now. I got so angry, I didn’t know what I was saying.”

What you think of him? If only he knew.

He presses his nose into your hair, his next words muffled. “Please forgive me.”

Forgive him? That was never a question on your mind, you were never mad at him. Maybe a little upset, but it was nothing he’d need your forgiveness for. Not in your eyes. You’re more upset about him getting hurt than anything else.

“It’s alright. Just sit down so I can make sure you’re okay.”

He hums and affirmative into your hair and plops himself down on the chair after. You quickly return from the bathroom with a clean towel and some antiseptic. Jungkook sits slouched forward a little, it makes him seem smaller than he really is — cuter. There’s still some blood running from his nose and by the small stains on his fingers you know he’s been rubbing it.

“You’ve got to stop touching your nose,” you mumble. “You’re going to get blood all over the place.” You fill a glass with water for him to drink, and knock your knee against his as a gesture. He parts his legs so you can get a closer look at his face.

“Squeeze the bridge of your nose and lean forward.”

“Everyone always says backwards.”

“Forward, Jungkook. And give me your hand.” You grab his free hand and twist it up. This way you get a good look at whatever caught his arm. The cut shallow, mostly dried by now. “You know,” you drawl as you gently clean the wound. “You really shouldn’t do stupid shit like that.”

You clean away the blood from his arm and fingers. He’s shockingly pliable in your grip. “You could’ve really gotten hurt Jungkook.”

“I wouldn’t have let him,” he answers nasally, still leaning forward.

“I’m serious, Hyunwoo would’ve ripped you to shreds.” Jungkook’s other arm is less wounded, but you clean it anyway.

He winces a little when you twist his wrist to check the cut again. “Do I look like I’m going to let an asshole like him just talk to you like that?”

You remove his hand from his nose, tipping his head back to clean his face too. His hand is warm and you find yourself wishing you could hold it for longer. “Still, you can’t just do stuff like that because you care about me. You don’t have to prove it.”

Jungkook grabs your hand again, pulling it away from his face so roughly you gasp and drop the towel to the floor. “Care about you?” he snorts. “You think I did that because I just care about you?” A soft chuckle leaves his lips as he shakes his head. “I don’t know if I haven’t made it obvious enough but…I wake up and go to sleep thinking about you.”

You stare at him, standing between his legs in the light from your kitchen. Jungkook looks at you with so much determination you’re unable to move or even speak. Was that a confession? You purse your lips together.

He sighs deeply. “All I think about is wanting to wake up next to you and make you breakfast and you think I care about you. You’re a fool.”

A fool for him. “Kiss me,” you whisper.

He falters — stops with parted lips and a change of gaze that is so gentle you’re not sure if he heard you properly.

You shake your hand from his grip and place both on his shoulders, leaning in close enough to touch noses. He hiccups, tiny breath puffing out against your lips. You smile. “I said, kiss me fool.”

He needs to hear no more. His lips come up for yours like he’s coming up for air after a long time starved. Jungkook kisses with fervour, gently but with purpose and you sigh into him. You’ve thought about this for so long and it surpasses all your expectations. Your legs dare buckle at the first graze of his teeth against your bottom lip.

Jungkook catches you, manoeuvring you into his lap and taking advantage of your gasp to deepen the kiss. You moan, surprising even yourself, but the sound he lets out in return is worth it. His hands paw at your hips, sliding under your top to touch your skin after yearning for so long. Everywhere he touches, every little sound you make — it’s like it sets him free. He grows bolder with every move.

Every swipe of his tongue into your mouth is devilish, a stark contrast with his previous words. This beats all imagination. Jungkook is too good to be true. His kiss is a little inexperienced, a little experimental, but you take it in stride because he is so eager.

You want him. “Jungkook,” you moan into his mouth that is parted against yours. He pants heavily, hands played out over your back to keep you against him. You feel steadied by him — you need it when he ruts his hips up into yours without warning.

He’s not hard yet but God you’re already feeling the pleasure pool in your own stomach and you don’t want him to stop. You kiss him even deeper, tongue wet and warm and so good. “Fuck.”

Jungkook pulls at your hips and when you settle over his lap properly, you feel him. The jeans-on-jeans contact doesn’t do much for you but the sheer thought of having him underneath you is your undoing. He breaks the kiss to lather kisses down your neck. Open-mouthed and with a little tongue, your fists tighten into his shirt when he grazes his teeth over your pulse point.

“You’ve no idea how long I’ve waited for this,” he speaks into your skin. His nose is pressed against your neck, paused to take you in. As if time is going too fast.

You can’t blame him, you would stay like this forever if you could. It’s the burning between your legs that won’t let you. “Don’t stop.”

He laughs, a puff of warm air that fans out over your chest. When he looks up at you his eyes are darker, the stars in them dimmed to dusk. “Are you sure?”

“Jungkook,” you whine, grinding your hips over his. He stutters and you grin at the feeling of his hardening dick. “I’m already on the verge of soaking through my jeans — yes, I’m sure.”

Strangely, his cheeks flush at your commentary but it doesn’t faze him in the slightest. He kisses back up to your mouth, claiming it as his and kissing you with a little more ease. It’s as if he already learned from two minutes ago. He slows down, hands ghosting all the way down your mode to squeeze at your thighs.

You gyrate your hips, circling him until you’re certain he must be uncomfortable in those tight jeans. Yet, he seems more than satisfied just occupied with your mouth. You could kiss him for days, but you’re so frazzled by him you have to come up for air. Everything he does makes it hard for you to function, and he sniggers as you nuzzle along his jaw to kiss softly at his neck.

“You good?” he muses, fingers combing through your hair.

“Hmm, perfect.”

“Can I eat you out?”

You frown, looking up at him through heavy-lidded eyes. Did you hear him right? Did he ask to eat you out — as if it is the most normal question in the world? As if he just asked you if you like pancakes. You do, and the thought of having his mouth on you…“If you want to.”

“If I want to,” he mocks. Without any warning, Jungkook hauls you up and you squeal when you tip over backwards. You cling to him, gripping at his back and making his shirt ride up. “If I want to, she asks me. I’ve been thinking about it for months — yes I want to.”

Jungkook deposits you on the kitchen table and you‘re not willing to let him go just yet. You seek out his mouth again, warm and comfortable and your kiss-swollen lips want nothing more than his for the rest of the night. Yet, you can already see the sun rising through the curtains behind him.

“I thought about it too.” Your words get muffled with the kiss but you know he hears you from the groan he lets out. A sound that vibrates in his chest — his chest which you feel rise and fall beneath your fingers. He is muscular, and your mouth waters at the thought of seeing him. “Take your shirt off first.”

He obeys, pulling the white material off with one hand. You marvel at him once he’s shirtless, fingers seeking out his skin and trailing down his abs. They’re defined in the best way, just enough for you to feel them move under your touch as his breath hitches. Jungkook really is gorgeous and you find yourself kissing down his chest.

“Hey, hey,” he chuckles again, stopping your fingers that had slipped down to the buttons of his jeans. “I’m eating you out first, so hands off and back on the table.”

You raise your eyebrows at his half-assed command, a snicker on the edge of your lips. “Oh?”

“I said,” he grins, coming nose-to-nose with you. “On your back.”

You stomach flutters but you listen as he parts your legs. The table is cold against your back and it’s not an unwelcome contrast against Jungkook’s hands sliding up your now spread thighs. He squeezes your flesh and you can’t help but thrust your hips up with a whine. “Kook.”

“Impatient are we? Lift your hips for me.” He pops the button of your jeans and slides them down as you lift. There’s a bit of a struggle shucking them off your legs but it brings some laughter when he finally manages. “Damn tight jeans.”

You huff, still on your back. “You’re one to speak, I can practically see your dick outlined from here.”

Jungkook brushes your shirt up a little to kiss right under your belly button — your stomach dips at the soft touch. “It’s fine right where it is. For now, I wanna know what you like.” He waits for your answer, ticking off the time with little kisses and nips around your hip-bones that make you whine in the back of your throat.

“I — I don’t know?”

He looks up with a frown. “He really sucked didn’t he?”

“Well technically, he didn’t… “ You bite your lips in shame.

Jungkook rolls his eyes at you. “You can guide me as I go then.” He resumes his kisses down your stomach, sucking the faintest bruises on top of your thigh. “I want to make you feel good.”

You nod, laying back and enjoying the feeling of just him. The brush of his fingers as he hooks his thumbs into your underwear, the press of his lips to your skin. It seems like he’s mapping you out, tracing your sweetest spots as he pulls off your panties. The cold skin hits you and you shiver.

The first brush of his lips is tantalising, you hold your breath. It’s not a feeling your unaccustomed too but that it’s him is enough to undo you at the first touch. He spreads your folds, a little hesitantly. The tremble in his fingers gives him away and you fight the urge to lean up and look at him. “Keep going.”

He hums, breath warm against your mound. You can feel him staring and it’s exposing, but you can’t close your legs with his shoulders spreading you apart. Jungkook kisses your clit and your muscles tense, again and again until he licks and you let out a soft cry. He has the nerve to smile against you. The pull of his lips is obvious against your core and you lick yours in anticipation.

For a bit, he keeps at it like that, gently licking your bud until you’re certain you're going to break your toes from curling. “I need more,” you whimper. He obliges, wrapping his lips around the bundle of nerves and suckling. It’s tender but so so good and the little breathy moan he lets out when you tangle your fingers in his hair echoes through your core. You sigh, it’s heavenly. He’s patient, taking his time to learn you — unfold you — as you urge him on bit by bit.

His hair is silky smooth between your fingers and you pull lightly. “A little more to the — ah — left — yes!” you cry, head thudding against the wooden surface. You’re moving so much Jungkook has to slide your back up the table a little. His mouth picks up, figuring out what makes you scream and using just that against you. Your stomach is tingling and you’re moaning without shame now.

“Fingers?” he mumbles, looking up at you through his lashes. The sight of his head between your legs, lips shining, eyes dark — it’s too much.

“Yes, gently.”

He chuckles against you again, a little chiming sound as he circles your entrance with the tip of his finger. “Relax,” he whispers, other hand coming down to press your hips to the table. “I’ve got you.” When he slides in you feel every knuckle and you practically suck him in. You’re so wet it takes him little effort to wriggle in another finger. He starts up a slow pace, kidding your thigh in random intervals as he observes your reaction. You can feel his unwavering gaze on you. “Good?”

“Yeah, just — don’t stop.”

“More?”

“N - No. Ah.” You gasp when he curls his fingers up and deeper. He’s so attentive you’re certain he needs no more verbal affirmatives. Right now you’re putty in his hands, shaking and trembling for him. His fingers glide along your walls, rubbing until you clench him tightly. “Jungkook,” you moan.

He knows. He knows because he starts sucking on your clit again like no tomorrow and it’s enough to make you feel the edge of your orgasm. It builds with his movements, tight, languid, just right — you come hard and he edges you through it until you twitching in his grasp. He keeps his fingers inside of you until you finally open your eyes to look at him.

Then, he withdraws them and sucks them clean. His eyes are even darker if that was possible. You know he isn’t done with you yet.

Your chest heaves as you try to grasp reality again. Jungkook looks ravished, standing between your limp, parted legs with two fingers in his mouth. His hair is a mess, right side sticking up from where you’d gripped it so hard. You open your mouth to say something, but it dies on your tongue.

“Are you still with me?”

“Yeah,” you pant, running your fingers through your hair. “When you said you were gonna make me breakfast, this was not what I thought you meant."

Jungkook laughs, lips spreading into a gorgeous smile as he grabs your hands to pull you up. You come chest to chest, mouth to mouth. His tongue parts your lips and you keen at the taste of yourself in his mouth, arms winding around his neck. Your legs wrap around his waist, coarse material of his jeans rubbing against your sensitive centre. Jungkook’s chest is sticky with sweat already and the muscles in his back dance under your fingertips as you caress them.

He is so good, touching every inch of your body while he takes his time kissing you. There are groans dying in the back of his throat and you can feel the twitch in his hips when he brushes against you. Your hand snakes down his chest to his jeans, palming and drawing a curse from him. You trace the outlines of his cock and he caves, forehead falling to yours.

“God please tell me you have condoms because I’m not done with you yet.”

You don’t want him to be. You’re getting wet again just at the thought of having him inside of you. From what he’s shown — from what you can feel right now — he’s not going to disappoint. “In the bedroom.”

He lifts you up, legs around his waist and his hands on your bare ass. With a grunt, he squeezes, manoeuvring you to the bedroom with your guidance that is drowned out in a kiss. You yelp when he bumps you into the corner and he soothes it with a soft caress, laughter erupting from the both of you. He presses you against the wall and you notice the skin of his left cheek is warm. A hiss passes his lips when you grace it.

You pull away to look at him, brushing his hair away from his face. His cheek is swelling a little but the lustful look in his eyes is enough for you to continue. Kissing him, you lightly pull the hair at the nape of his neck. He likes it, you note.

Jungkook lowers you down to the best, carefully so as he lays himself over you. “Take off your top,” he whispers, sitting up on the bed to undo his own jeans. You slide the fabric off your body, discarding it haphazardly along with your bra. He sits and you sling your legs over his lap as you push him back into the covers.

“What — ah.” He sighs deeply as you start kissing down his chest, fingers grazing his nipples. Jungkook is so pliant, chest heaving underneath you as you crawl down his body. He’s straining against his boxers and you appraise his self-control. “Baby,” he drawls, fingers carding through your hair as your lips stop at the edge of his underwear.

You chuckle, teeth nipping at his skin before you draw his boxers down slowly. His cock slaps up against his stomach, the tip wet with precum that had stained his underwear. You curse at the sight of him, fingers coming up to wrap around the base.

He stops you before you can get your mouth on him, hand around your wrist. “Fuck I — I want to come inside of you. Another time.” His breathing is laboured and his flushed state somewhat cute as he looks at you between his legs.

Yet, you can’t argue with him, you do want him inside of you. Sooner rather than later. You crawl back over him to kiss him more, hips settling over his dick. So heavenly, that first skin on skin contact. Both of you moan, heads thrown back as you rub him up and down, wet with your juices now.

“Stop,” he whines. “I really, really want to fuck you.”

You let him flip you over, your back pressed into the mattress. Jungkook’s muscles stand outlined by the faint light in the room, twisting as he reaches for you. His skin is soft and warm and you want to feel it, everywhere.

“Condoms?” he asks again.

“Drawer.” You point and he reaches beside him to retrieve a packet and throw it onto the bed. It seems that neither he not you can get enough of kissing. The soft nudge of him against your thigh is a reminder of what’s about to come.

You’ve fantasised about this so often you should be ashamed. But what can you do when Jungkook looks like half a god, half an angel all the time. You want him to ravish you, to make you his, now.

He falters as you touch him between your legs, stroking him and fumbling to find the condom. “Here,” he grabs it and wastes no time ripping it open. You help him roll it on, eyes trained on the way he twitches at the feeling. He’s hot and heavy in your hand as you guide him down to your entrance. Jungkook has other ideas however, because he pulls your hand away from him to secure it above your head.

You whine when he nudges his tip against your folds but leaves it at that. “Jungkook!”

“I know, fuck, I know. I just — you know this is not just about sex right?” His eyes lighten, brow smoothing out as he searches your yes.

You trace the seam of his lips with a sigh. “I do, but you can tell me everything over breakfast. Actual breakfast. Right now, I really want your dick inside of me, please.”

He smiles, capturing your lips as he presses closer. You feel him collect your wetness, teasing your clit with the tip of his cock. The anticipation gets to you and you fingers slide over his back to pull him closer. His chest brushes yours when he gently kisses down your neck.

The first breach of him stings, and you tighten your legs around his waist. It’s been so long, but it’s so good and you moan at the stretch of him filling you up slowly. You hiss at the delicious burn — Jungkook hears it and withdraws so quickly you yelp. “Hey!” you splutter, pulling him back to you.

“Was I hurting you?” His eyes are wide with concern.

You snicker. “You’re not that big Jungkook, get a grip.”

He whines. “I’m serious!”

“Silly,” you grin, kissing his cheek. “It was good. It’s just been a while, go slow hmm?”

He nods, pushing back in hesitantly. His eyes won’t leave yours, making sure that you’re feeling good. And boy are you feeling good. The way he stretches you is so delicious you can barely keep your eyes open. When his hips are flush with yours he moans, fingers of one hand tightening around your waist. His bottom lip is drawn between his teeth, brow furrowed in concentration.

“You feel so good,” you whisper hotly.

His cheeks heat up and you can’t help but find it endearing. He’s balls deep inside of you and he still manages to be cute and you love it. It’s uncharacteristically him and —

“Oh,” you gasp when he withdraws a little and pushes back in.

He feels so good, the press of his hips against yours every time he bottoms out. Your nails press into his shoulders, keening at the smooth slide of him inside of you. Jungkook moans, a sweet little sound he tries to hold in.

You touch his face, making his eyes snap up at you again. “I want to hear you,” you say.

“Fuck.” He shifts his legs under you. With a new-found goal he lifts one of your legs over his shoulder and he all but folds you in half as he slides even deeper. “God, you’re so tight.” His voice strains as he starts up again, a steady in and out that has you building up fast.

Jungkook keeps thrusting, making sure you feel his hips on yours every time. A tiny little pause to feel himself fully inside of you and it makes him reach so deep your toes curl.

“Faster,” you moan.

He picks up his pace, groaning into your skin as he does. You try to meet his thrusts. His chest vibrates with his moans, they’re delicious and beautiful and you can’t get enough of it — enough of him. The way he draws out and pushes back in has you clenching him tightly, especially when he grazes that spot inside of you. He lurches forward at the feeling.

“There,” you moan, “right there.” He zeroes in, pulling out all the way and slamming back in with so much force you scream his name. Your mouth falls open as he leans up and starts a punishing pace. He’s relentless now what you like, fingers scrambling to get a touch of your chest. A tweak of your nipple, a squeeze of your breast — he gets it all the while you’re coming apart around him.

“Tell me,” he groans after a particularly hard thrust. “When was the last time you were fucked properly.”

You whine, shaking your head. “Haven’t  — ah — so long — you’re doing so good — don’t stop.” Your sentences are broken with every thrust of him inside of you. Your tipping closer to the edge, yet not close enough. It’s been months since you’ve had anything and this is almost too much, you’re paralysed with pleasure.

He laps up your neck, supporting himself on one hand. “Nobody? For that long? Fuck, that’s why you’re so tight.” His words are muffled against the hot skin of your throat as he bites down and soothes the sting with his tongue.

“All I wanted was you.”

He snickers, pace not faltering as he kisses you again. It’s hot and open-mouthed and sloppy as his tongue seeks out yours. You’re overwhelmed with him. He seems to get deeper with every thrust, every sound he makes sending a shiver down your spine.

“I’m close,” he groans. “You?”

You suck the pads of your pointer and middle finger into your mouth — his eyes darken upon the sight. All you need is the slick slide of your own fingers against your clit, quick circles to get you on that edge. “Wanna feel you come,” you whine. “Please.”

Jungkook doesn’t stop, he pushes your leg even closer to your chest and watches you rub yourself as his dick disappears inside of you over and over again. Your stomach is tightening, walls clenching him in tightly.

His hips stutter, falling back over you as he comes undone with a deep groan. The feeling of him twitching against your walls is enough to give you that last push. You shudder apart around him, clenching down hard with eyes rolling back into your head. It seems to last forever as he holds you, gently rolling his hips to ride out his peak with you.

You’re both panting, still entangled as you come down. His hair sticks to his forehead, sweat dripping down his neck and your fingers slip on his skin. You’re stuck to the sheets, looking up at his ravished form as you feel him soften inside of you.

A foreign feeling erupts in your chest as he kisses you softly, just once. A small peck that makes you want to giggle with the overflow of feelings.

Jungkook pulls out carefully, and you know that you’re going to be sore tomorrow. He soothes your skin, rubbing your thigh before letting it down from over his shoulder. It’s so sweet, the way he looks at you and asks you if you’re okay.

You laugh at him, startling him a little. “To be blunt with you. I’ve never came that hard from sex and I want to do it again.”

He scrunches up his nose but blushes regardless. “Again?”

“Again.” You confirm with a yawn.

Jungkook discards the condom, pulling the soiled sheet from under you as you point him towards a clean one in your dresser. He drapes it over the both of you as he settles down beside your still numb form. You can’t believe he made you come so hard that you’re still seeing stars now.

You snuggle into his side despite the warmth of the early morning. “Your cheek’s going to bruise.”

“Worth it,” he grins. “We should’ve done this much sooner. “

“I agree.” You kiss the cusp of his shoulders, drawing tiny little patterns on his chest where his heart beats quickly.

Jungkook shifts, looking at you with hopeful eyes. “So?”

“So?”

“What now?” He bites his lip.

You giggle as you realise his shyness. “Is this your way of asking me to be your girlfriend?”

A small kiss is pressed to the tip of your nose. “Maybe,” he whispers. “If you want to.”

“Well…” You trail a finger down his stomach. “Maybe I do.”

“Maybe?”

You lean up, kissing him firmly, just once. “Definitely.”

© GguksGalaxy 2018-2020

Special thanks to: @lapysllazuly @jeonkookd @bubypjm @sunshineangelhobi 

Let me know if you guys liked it! <3

@mooniva @flowerymoonlight @lunyua @chimycthulhu @lilacdreams-00 @biblionerd @nininek12 @mrcleanheichou @pakovahayhuha @burgeoninggirl @faithsummers11 @angeltothecore @burntrain @ylevolretsnom01 @lachicayolo @cvbachacbitch @kxkth @d-noona @thethiathang Sorry to those who I couldn't tag <3

[being-demisexual]

Hiii

I hope this is okay to ask as it isn't really about demi but about romantic attraction, please feel free to not answer if you feel that this ask doesn't fit with this blog.

For about a year/ a couple months now I was slowly starting to overthing if I'm aro and it has been giving me so much stress it's honestly ridiculous.

Short story of important things in my life: I never really felt aromantic. Since a small child I liked the stereotypical films about princesses and princes and all that stuff. I had crushes on boys, at least I think so... For me it was being interested in the idea of dating them, to be specific.

Ages 13-16, so middle school here, I was getting aware that I was asexual- though I found this term only at the end of middle school as being a then christian in a largely christian country I honestly was largely unaware that lgbt was even a thing. I still liked the idea of getting a boyfriend, though I was getting aware it will be harder for me to find someone since the whole dont-want-sex thing. I was also largely imagining that if I find a person it will probably be someone I'm already friends with at least to some extent.

Well skip to me now, single for a few months now, after a 2-year relationship with my ex girlfriend and ex best friend... Somehow having a mild existential crisis if I might have not noticed that I'm aromantic, feeling like an impostor. The thing it, my ex changed their identity to demisexual, previously identifying as asexual during our relationship- which is totally fine and I had no issues with that, to be clear. Before she told me though, unconsciously I've been noticing we're a bit different in how we experience attraction and Istarted to fear if I should feel more, if romantic attraction should be a physical feeling and not just "I want to spend my life with them, I like being close and hugging, cuddling, kissing even if for the most part I don't feel anything physical from it." That maybe I don't know myself and I've been accidentally "faking". There was a period of maybe half a year when I did feel a bit more, but it could have been some leftover crazy hormones, I have no idea. I can also be rather reserved in public and so I preferred to save more intimate gestures than hand holding/a hug/ a fast kiss for a private place. Being questioned if I'm aro in the falling out part of the relationship really stung me and clearly didn't help with this issue, even though after some time she apologized, it's still eating away at the back of my brain.

So I'm writing all this to ask you, can you try to describe what romantic attraction is like to you? Do you literally feel something physically or is it more desires to be close to someone and thoughts?

Now that I'm single I'm scared of both never finding anyone again and of finding someone but making them feel unloved with how I express my feelings and messing it up again.

I dug at AVEN for answers too and found people describe romantic attraction both ways and I'm still not at peace with myself somehow, but maybe one more description will at least help with it a bit. I just want some internal peace :,(. I might be a bit desperate to find it.

Thank you for reading all this, and sorry for the long text, I felt like it's necessary to my situation

Hi there! I’ll give answering this my best shot, but probably not in the way you exactly want. I don’t really know what romantic attraction is, but it seems highly variable from person to person. Some people like a lot of PDA, some don’t. Some people find cuddling important, others want to celebrate a lot of little anniversaries (first date, first kiss, etc). I think it really does differ from person to person. I’ve never even been on a single date, let alone developed a romantic attraction to a person. 

That being said, I feel like I have the answer for you. Have you, in all your digging on AVEN, heard of the term QPR? It stands for queer platonic relationship. A lot of exclusionists like to paint this as just being friends, but its deeper than that. 

See, a lot of aro people desire companionship and commitment but without the dating part. A lot of aro people want someone to give them hugs, hold their hands, or maybe even kiss, but without the expectation of romantic feelings or actions, like going on dates and such. This is where a QPR comes in, which is basically a very committed, platonic partnership. I love my best friend, but I wouldn’t move in with her, adopt a per with her, or put her on my life insurance plan as a beneficiary. Those are all things you do with a spouse or romantic partner, or a QPR. You wouldn’t need to counsel your best friend before taking a new job to see if it’s financially responsible to do so, you wouldn’t need to discuss moving across the country for different opportunities with them, you wouldn’t put them on your health insurance plan. You would with a QPR. 

Most human living is designed to be done, at minimum, with two people. Most human living is better done in communities, but I digress. Almost everyone wants companionship and life partners, but they don’t have to be romantic or sexual in nature. It is probably worth seriously considering if a QPR style “relationship” is something you might want. If you don’t care about having sex and don’t have romantic feelings towards anyone, then you might be aromantic asexual - aroace. That absolutely DOES NOT mean that you are doomed to spend the rest of your life alone.

Also, if you don’t think a QPR sounds right for you, or you try it and it doesn’t work out, then you can go through life having friends and connecting with family and being a member of your community without having relationships necessarily. I don’t have any romantic interests right now, and I really don’t need them since I am getting plenty of human connection with friends (both IRL and online) and through family. 

To sum up, I don’t know if there really is any consistent definition for how romantic attraction is expressed. Maybe it is physical, to some people it certainly is. Maybe you are aromantic and a QPR is what you need. Maybe you aren’t aro and are just a pretty reserved person who prefers to express romantic feelings outside of physical gestures - like making sure the house is always clean because that’s what your partner likes, and picking up the type of coffee they prefer when you know you’re out. Little things, that might not seem romantic but do convey a lot of love and appreciation and attention to your partner when they all stack up. I’m not sure, and it sounds like you aren’t totally sure either. But that isn’t an inherently bad thing. You can take the time to list out what you think romantic attraction is to you and how you express it. I did that with sexual attraction when I was exploring being demisexual. You don’t have to rush, and you certainly don’t have to panic. There is always time to figure it out, and there is not bad outcome here - just you, being more confident and settled in your identity.

Feel free to reach out (through a dm, if you want) if you want to talk more. I hope this helped!

[wincore]

AGREEEE, WORKING OVER THE WEEKEND IS THE WORST esp since im in uni full time and i work 9-5 on the weekends which means... no breaks for me ever.. 🥲

MASSIVE CRUSH ON OIKAWA OMGGG I SUPPORT THIS!!!!! but i am unfortunately much older than 15 and still enamored by 2d men 😔 life’s rough like that HDJWKDJ YES ATSUMU CAUSES PROBLEMS ON PURPOSE.. HES THE WORST!! btw.. ive heard that the oikawa to atsumu stan pipeline is very real... so if u get to s4.. u may develop atsumu brain rot like me 👁_👁

OOO alright run on, extracurricular, vincenzo, true beauty, love alarm, & perfect crime. NOTED!! ive actually been meaning to watch extracurricular for a while now, it looks so interesting!! now that it has the wincore seal of approval i must watch 😤 OMGG SAKURADA DORI I SAW HIM IN ALICE IN BORDERLAND!! super good show but really gore heavy at some points 👁

ahh ok thank u for the reccs, ive been thinking about starting demon slayer too!! shoplifters sounds really interesting :oo crime??? i havent watched a full movie in a while so i will def check it out!! THESE R ALL GOING IN MY NOTES APP.

NEXT YEARRR omg it sounds far away but i know time passes so quickly nowadays so I WILL WISH U LUCK ONCE AGAIN 💛 i hope u update us when the time comes!!

UGHWHHD EVEN THIS SYNOPSIS IS MAKING ME MISS UR WRITING?!? I LOVE THE WAY U WORD IT... “given a choice to pretend, you find that jaehyun is the lesser of the two burdens to bear” AHHHHHHH omg “he’s in a relationship and doesn’t rlly care about the soulmate system” THIS IS ALWAYS SUCH A PAINFUL SCENARIO IN SOULMATE AUS PLSS!!! Wait is the soulmate of yn gonna be an oc/vague character or another member :O EITHER WAY... PAIN! THIS IS GETTING ME SO EXCITED AND U HAVENT EVEN MENTIONED ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT JAEHYUN’S LIKE IN THIS FIC YET

RUNWAY CHARACTER CAMEOOOS YESS I LOVE RUNWAY YN!!!! i actually reread it last night and ugh i was reminded how much i love yns personality... just the process of experiencing all tht self doubt with them!!! so real & makes u root for them :’)

“if jeno plays edward i need him to that apple scene like taemin did” WHHHHHWJDJJWJDBW THIS MADE ME CHOKE ON THE WATER I WAS DRINKING LMFAO

GODDDD THESE TROPE/MEMBER PAIRINGS, HARD AGREE HARD AGREE!!! HAECHAN AND RENJUN ARE E2L 100%!!!! i think bc the ppl in the bff2l category cant convincingly hate yn back LOL

“gets complimented on his lyricism often but like every song’s about you” STOPPPPP HES SO PERFDCT FOR THIS TROPE!!!!!

OMG I SEE EXACTLY WHAT U MEAN ABT SICHENG IN ROYALTY/CHAEBOL AUS... i think like u said it’s because of his poise & the way ppl are generally in awe of him but also bc of his reluctance to open up!! more reserved until he trusts u... funny and kind but sometimes perceived as aloof... those r some prince tendencies! “what are corporate businesses but modern day kingdoms” LMFAOOWJDJ SERIOUSLY THO

“mans really said i will not give you any onscreen idol personality to work with” HDJWJDJWJSJ LITERALLYYYY this is why i have trouble reading jaehyun fics sometimes bc sometimes they can feel “inaccurate” but its mostly just bc there’s no Standard Personality Stereotype to go off of. but a random & uncommon trope i think he’d pair well with is exes to lovers!! Yes im basically just a jaehyun + angst advocate.

“i think most of them would pair well with bff2l??” FACTTTTTTT and no im not just saying this bc its one of my favorite tropes.. heh... i think i told u this before?? but ur like the main reason i started enjoying e2l!!! i didnt like it before bc i love the PINING in bff2l but then i started reading ur works n was like OH SHIT! THERES LOADS OF PINING HERE TOO...

i think yangyang is not bff2l or e2l, he is in his own category which is Annoyer2Lover HDJWKDJ ex: troublemaker, wasted nights

OMGGGG I DID NOT EXPECT ROYALTY AU TO HAVE SUCH A LARGE LEAD IN THE SURVEY??? and cryptids is so low 😔😔 cmon guys, vampires r fun!!!

WE R LITERALLY WRITING ESSAYS TO EACH OTHER RN BUT I LOVE IT 🥺🥺 its a such a nice break to read ur response when im burnt out from studying!!

OMG IM GOING THROUGH #moonwrites AND IM LITERALLY AN IDIOTTTT IVE BEEN OFF TUMBLR FOR SO LONG I DIDNT REALIZE THAT ROMEO ROULETTE HAD A PREVIEW OUT????

“And I get what out of this?” “Me?” IM IN LOVE WITH THIS CHARACTERS PERSONALITY ALREADY LMFAOO

“—and when this whole game you’re playing is over, you’re going to say I rejected you.” ?!?!???? THE WAY JAEHYUN IS A LITTLE SHIT! THEIR PERSONALITIES ARE BOTH SO FUN PLSJWJDJEJ IM MORE EXCITED NOW!!

pls disregard the part in my last ask where i asked abt romeo roulette.... i had no idea all of the information i needed was sitting right in front of me 😔😔

- tata

WHAT 9 TO 5 ON EVERY WEEKEND???? the system has failed you this honestly feels like a villain origin story 😭 when does it get better???

ALSO let me answer the other asks separately for better readability lol we really out here writing essays GOOD THING i have practice writing but like. this is infinitely better to write 🥰

PLSSS SOMETIMES I WILL SEE AN EDIT/TIKTOK OF OIKAWA AND BE LIKE DAMN I REALLY NEED TO CATCH UP I MISS THIS MF also are you daring me to ruin my life for 2d men bc i will do it without hesitation. wait till i watch hq again and get that atsumu brainrot with you he seems annoying enough for me to like ^_^

AND YES PLS I WAS SO ABSORBED IN IT!! extracurricular was the most gripping show i’ve watched in a while like yes enough teen romance give me two unhinged teenagers doing crime 🤩 AND OMG??? THAT’S WHERE WE SAW HIM TOO and although niragi was literally vomit-inducing human trash, sakurada dori is like. a good actor. except i hated coffee&vanilla which starred him it was literally so cringe i couldn’t 😭 i blame the writers for that though. IM EXCITED FOR S2 OF ALICE IN BORDERLAND THO i really like horror (and i can tolerate gore if ive been desensitized enough) and like i read the manga too!!! the games were really interesting (although morbid).

😭😭 MY NOTES APP IS FULL OF RECS FROM FRIENDS ALL OF THEM HATE ME FOR NOT WATCHING THE SHOWS BUT LIKE. i binge 3 or 4 at a time and strike them off and then go 6 months without watching a single tv series hhh.

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! I SURE WILL UPDATE !!! it’s so exciting to think about grad school sometimes :33

AHHH IM SO GLAD YOU LIKE IT AND THE PREVIEW TOO SGSDJKDS there’s a few differences in the actual fic i think bc i changed up the language (and i dont remember what else bc i refuse to look at my writing) JAEHYUN RLLY IS A LITTLE SHIT he’ll be like hm yeah im pretty chill :) and then proceed to beat yn at her own game at times. (she wins mostly dw) the fact that i made her soulmate cha eunwoo like girl if i were you i’d crash their relationship 🥱 (jk) but like. jaehyun too is 🤩 despite being dry af

ASDKDSKDS YOU REREAD ALL (ALMOST) 19K WORDS ??? IM SO GLAD YOU LIKE THAT FIC SM AAAAHHH IM FEELING LIKE AN ACTUAL AUTHOR 🥰 i loved runway yn too they were like boss attitude with 20% anxiety.

LOOK JENO BETTER BE PULLING MOVES LIKE THAT TO IMPRESS THE GIRLS 😤 if he hits himself in the forehead with the apple, bonus points bc that was true comedy (as invented by taemin)

AND YES. LIKE I KNOW MARK HATED DONGHYUCK SO MUCH HE WANTED TO LEAVE SM BUT LIKE HE’S TOO NICE WITH EVERYONE ELSE 😭😭😭 i cannot picture him pissed off apart from that summer fight </3

thinking about dejun getting rejected by a girl he wrote a song for. rip brother.

IM GLAD YOU PUT THAT INTO WORDS BC THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT IT IS!!! he’s got all of these regal qualities but he’s still human ykyk so it makes for the most amiable person on earth 😌 i love this characterization of him!!

oof exes to lovers with jaehyun... i had a similar idea a while ago (with theme song sincerity is scary by the 1975) that i discarded bc i don’t think i’m cut out to write that 😭 (YET) so i will keep this is mind. u r so right about jaehyun feeling inaccurate bc it’s like he’s very mild in personality onscreen sometimes?? so him having strong personality traits makes me go 🤔🤔 that man is overreacting. (jkjk but like you get the idea)

WAIT RLLY OMG BC OF ME???? i would never enjoy e2l irl bc irl dudes are 🤢🤢 and if they annoy me i will end them. but in fiction the mutual pining and initial disgust at yourself for liking the other??? helllooo 🤩🤩🤩 especially if it’s in a romcom style <3 bff2l is also better in fiction bc if the relationship doesnt work out irl and the person become uncomfortable with me i will just get annoyed jskshdl

LMAO YOU ARE SO RIGHT ABOUT YANGYANG HE’S JUST THAT™ DUDE skgkhs he feels like someone fun to hang out with but he would annoy you the whole time. also he is cute 🥰

AND EXACTLY!!!! IM HAPPY FOR ROYALTY AUS BUT CMON. LOOK AT THOSE VAMPIRE TEETH. feel like media ruined vampires for people 😔 

THIS IS SUCH A NICE BREAK FROM STUDYING HONESTLY!!!! im like working on two semi-large projects AND studying course and out-of-course material simultaneously so my brain is a little fried. thank u for this 😘

[weeniewrites]

OKAY ONE LAST POST BECAUSE IM ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE AT NOT TALKING

its a more serious one though, so if you dont wanna see me be more personal go ahead and skip i dont mind. im gonna ramble abt the shame i feel with having sadistic thoughts and fears of sexual agency, and kinda, sex in general, maybe some self destructive behaviors? kinda honestly putting my soul out there. its a bit of a vent post. im not having a bad night or anything, just thinking a lot, and want to get those thoughts out of my head

i, really outta do some research on actual sadism or just, see other people who have similar thoughts cause ill admit i feel a lot of guilt about it. like id never, ever, EVER want to hurt another person, and the idea of even spanking someone consensually is very scary to me

but this isnt a new thing for me, some of the first things i found arousing as a kid involved pain. i was fascinated by inuyashas blood covered hands, and rewatched part of a youtube letsplay over and over and over again just to hear the noise link made when he got injured again. same with part of that animated 2ne1 music video where the villain grimaces when his car gets hit. these are really vivid memories for me so like, i know this isnt some suddenly new thing for me. (im also repulsed by gore but can also find it beautiful in art, and writing violent stuff is therapeutic for me but can be REALLY triggering if im reading it)

and i dont know if that sorta, anti kink purity culture thing the internets been moving towards has contributed? to that shame i feel, or if thats just my empathy acting up. because i really do care strongly for people, basically every person i ever meet. and i, sort? of understand the appeal of masochism myself, and i definitely understand the appeal of domming. but i dont understand how to control a scene, how to start up a scene, how to monitor the subs mental state, how to even take that control in the first place because even imagining doing that scares me so, so fucking badly

so i write noncon dom stuff, so i dont have to figure out how to get them there, or how to keep them safe, and i get to satisfy that deep hidden desire to scratch and claw and smile and laugh at someone shaking and crying in fear. or if its soft, just taking care of them and loving them and being loved and needed i can imagine companionship in the only way i understand how, through sex. ive had very few long lasting close friendships, ive never had a crush, and honestly im not, sure? i enjoy sex? like i like being touched but once i have to do it back i get really scared (unless we take things really slow, but im also very inexperienced). i just like being desired, or honestly getting touch of any kind and thats the only way i know how to ask for it

and i kinda, only realized that fear recently. i dont think i had it when i was 18 and I was just starting to interact with people online. but back then i wouldve never dreamed of flirting with anyone either. (had that fuckin trauma BOY HOWDY)

um, to bring this around to what brought these thoughts out, a while ago i was flirting with a friend, we just did that for fun absolutely no sexual or romantic intentions involved. and they told me about how sore they were and i responded back with a grin and giggle and a growl and a laugh and said all the different ways id love to bend and prod them to make it worse because, well, I’m a sadist. and they liked it. i got dizzy with how much i enjoyed that teasing. i literally started slurring my words and had to stop because i couldnt talk anymore, just drool and lay in a warm fuzzy heap of satisfied feelings.

and then afterwards we talked for a bit and as i calmed down and came back to myself i just, i felt like i was going to burst out of my skin, shakey and unsteady, head buzzing, nearly obsessive with the need to tell them i’d never hurt them and make sure i hadnt. so i told them. tried to keep control of myself but i cried. i was near fucking inconsolable. i was terrified i made them uncomfortable, went too far though everything was consensual and it was just flirting, not even explicit! teasing at the maximum! we’d said far spicier things before! they knew i’d never hurt them never want to hurt them never dream of hurting them. and i still cried. i felt wrong. i felt mean i felt horrible, and i’d enjoyed it

and im still a sadist, i find specific kinds of pain arousing, i dont like scarring or blood, preferring discomfort over all, and occasionally i write much much darker content that i dont find sexually appealing, but helps me get out my anger and other emotions i dont know how to process otherwise, and sometimes its just, fun? i know i dont want to hurt people, and i know these things are helpful for me, but i still feel shame

honestly a lot of the kinks or fetishes i used to like, im not sure if i do anymore, either because i just, dont, or ive realized theyre not as acceptable as i once thought, or theyre just not as common online anymore. and i dont feel comfortable sharing them, whether out of fear of rejection, or of making someone else uncomfortable. considering some of the stuff i enjoy imagining or writing i cant read myself. thats, kindof a weird contrast isnt it? (but that might also be because when i was younger, much younger, id read very dark fics, or angst, or look at gore, animal death, death and the nearly dying, as a form of self harm, purposefully seeking out what i knew would trigger me just to keep me dissociating for as long as possible so i wouldnt have to feel, and i’ll admit this is still a mild problem for me, but ive gotten leagues, leagues LEAGUES better. and i try very hard to heed warnings, because i know no one would want me to do that with their works)

cant i just have fun, do i have to have all these shames and memories to go along with this kind of stuff. whyd i find it when i was younger. why do i so closely associate porn and sex with pain when ive never really stopped consuming it. why cant i admit i just want to be held and told im important and enough instead of imagining getting dicked down by men who i both wouldnt be attracted to irl and be scared of

[cripticmotherfucker]

i have a mild crush on a boy from my town who is rlly sweet but hes not as progressive as i am and i dont wanna get close because i have a feeling my strong political opinion would eventually drive him away. that and hes cis? and from here? thats whackkkkkk. but anyway pretty sure he likes me and he keeps hinting about wanting an s/o but im like aaahhhhhhhh commitment issues. thanks for that exes, that and he gave my sister weed once so my sister thinks its weird we are friends-- not that i care about him giving anybody weed as long as it isnt laced bc i do love me some leaf. but if my sister has ever talked smack ab him to my mother then im gonna have some problems getting them to let him hang out at my house. also hes younger than me and for some reason i always feel super guilty ab that, prolly bc of trauma, even though hes only a grade below me. anndd hhhhhhhhhhhhhh i dunno i want physical contact thats ab it right now but i feel like that makes me sound shitty. its just emotionally ive locked myself away like i used to but added an extra layer and well nobody has really ever gotten through to me when im like this except one person and she didnt stick around long. figures. i sound like an angsty thirteen year old lmfAO. anyway its 6 in the morning and this post contributes absolutely zero substance or humour to my page but i refuse to open up to anyone irl so im forcing it upon whoever comes across it LOL

[dreamyarcana]

Get To Know The Mun Meme

hewwo everyone!! I was tagged in several memes, so I’ll be posting those throughout the weekend c: (1/3 memes)

Tagged by: @mosaic-marquise​, @thefoxylexyblog, @rimarza and @line-artsy (THANK YOU!!)

1ST RULE: Tag 9 people you want to get to know better (if you guys haven’t done it already or want to!!)

Tagging: I know this circled around pretty well, haha, so I apologize if you’ve already been tagged/done it

@vesuvian-apprentice @murielswife @thesilverarmada @roll-2-seduce @axuhaslostit @asrasfluffycloud @therowdyravens

2ND RULE: BOLD the statements that are true

APPEARANCE:

I am 5'7" or taller (i’m a 5′2 gremlin)

I wear glasses (most of the time!)

I have at least one tattoo

I have at least one piercing

I have blonde hair

I have brown eyes (technically)

I have short hair (it’s down to my butt, basically)

My abs are at least somewhat defined (lol not me, literally gym class is my workout XD)

I have or have had braces (glad I’m done with those lmao, throwback to the time where I bitched so much bc I couldn’t have popcorn XD)

PERSONALITY: I love meeting new people

People tell me that I’m funny (sometimes)

Helping others with their problems is a big priority for me

I enjoy physical challenges (lol)

I enjoy mental challenges

I’m playfully rude with people I know well (i am to one of my best irl friends. we like push each other around and i punch him, he’s the guy who wrote me the poem i posted awhile ago)

I started saying something ironically and now I can’t stop saying it

ABILITY: I can sing well

I can play an instrument (Piano/flute)

I can do over 30 push-ups without stopping (HAHA)

I’m a fast runner

I can draw well (I’ve loved drawing ever since I was a tiny baby person)

I have a good memory (to an extent~)

I’m good at doing math in my head (occasionally)

I can hold my breath underwater for over a minute (Barely)

I have beaten at least 2 people in arm wrestling

I know how to cook at least 3 meals from scratch

I know how to throw a proper punch

HOBBIES:

I enjoy playing sports

I’m on a sports team at my school or somewhere else

I’m in an orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else

I have learned a new song in the past week

I work out at least once a week

I’ve gone for runs at least once a week in the warmer months

I have drawn something in the past month 👀 I enjoy writing

Fandoms are my #1 passi

on (well, they kind of are sometimes xD)

I do or have done martial arts

EXPERIENCES

I have had my first kiss (I'm l a m e I know)

I have had alcohol (it smells super gross, so no?)

I have scored the winning goal in a sports game

I have watched an entire season of a TV show in one sitting (Game of Thrones)

I have been at an overnight event 

I have been in a taxi

I have been in the hospital or ER in the past year

I have beaten a video game in one day

I have visited another country

I have been to one of my favourite bands’ concerts

RELATIONSHIPS:

I’m in a relationship

I have a crush on a celebrity (hmmm, various celebrities…mild. 🤔 )

I have a crush on someone I know

I have been in at least 3 relationships (well, technically)

I have never been in a relationship

I have asked someone out or admitted my feelings to them  

I get crushes easily 

I have had a crush on someone for over a year

I have been in a relationship for at least a year 

I have had feelings for a friend (OKAY GUYS LESSON OF THE YEAR: DONT  EVER DATE YOUR FRIENDS UNLESS YOURE GOING TO MARRY THEM, IVE LEARNED THIS BY PERSONAL EXPIRENCES LIKE TWICE? AND LIKE FO U R OUT OF THE TINY FRIEND GROUP THAT CONSISTS OF A MAXIMUM 10 PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS MISTAKE ITLL SAVE YOU A LOT OF GRIEF)

MY LIFE:

I have at least one person I consider a “best friend”

I live close to my school 

My parents are still together

I have at least one sibling

I live in the United States

There is snow right now where I live

I have hung out with a friend in the past month

I have a smartphone

I have at least 15 CDs

I share my room with someone

RANDOM SHIT:

I have breakdanced

I have had a teacher with a last name that’s hard to pronounce

I have dyed my hair

I’m listening to one song on repeat right now

I have punched someone in the past week

I know someone who has gone to jail

I have broken a bone

I have eaten a waffle today

I know what I want to do with my life ( L O L )

I speak at least 2 languages (kind of French, English)

[whyldkratts]

for the ask meme: all of them, but if thats too much maybe just the last 10?

Sorry for the long post aaaa1: Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now? [I bought lottery tickets bc I was in texas and they’re not legal where I live and the cashier at the gas station didn’t even ask for my id. I tried to show him and he just shook his head and let me go???? He didnt even care wtf]2: Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone? [Nah]3: If your significant other smoked pot, would you care? [Yea a little bit. I mean if it was just occasionally that’s probably fine? But a lot of my family has fucked up their entire lives with drugs so anything like that is iffy for me. It depends on how often they smoke ultimately]4: Do you find it easy to trust others? [I’d say yeah, probably. As long as you don’t fuck me over or guilt me within the first few weeks of knowing me id probably feel comfortable messaging you if I needed someone to talk to]5: What were you doing at 11PM last night? [Scrolling Tumblr]6: You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you? [Probably my irl bffs lindy and raven!]7: What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on? [Dump them. Adios fucker. I hope they’re happy with whoever they cheated on me with]8: Are you close with your dad? [Yeah I’d say so? I love him and he usually let’s me do my thing]9: I bet you kissed someone last night, right? [Nah]10: What are you listening to? [Run by hozier]11: You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it? [Sweet tea!!!! I’m from the south baby]12: Do you like hickeys? [Never has one so I don’t know!]13: What time do you go to bed? [Uhhhhhh 5am?]14: Is there someone who continuously lets you down? [My siblings.]15: Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both? [Nope I fuck up spelling a lot and have to go back and fix it no matter how many hands I’m typing with]16: Do you always answer your texts? [I try!! Unless I’m emotionally tired or forget]17: Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for? [No. She’s my best friend now, actually]18: When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends? [LIKE 3 MINUTES AGO I was complaining about how long it car ride home is]19: Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them? [My irlbest friends, the cars discord chat I’m in, and a lot of my wk friends]20: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? [I was writing ducktales fanfiction in my head]21: Is anyone else in the room with you? [I’m in a car with my mom for the next uhhh 7 hours?]22: Do you believe what goes around comes around? [Karmas a bitch]23: Were you happier four months ago than you are now? [I was visiting family in Indiana, so yea probably? Tho I am pretty happy now too]24: Is there someone you wish you could fix things with? [Sometimes, with my old pal cat. She did some bad things so I stopped talking to her, but sometimes I want to catch up and see how she’s doing.]25: In the past week, have you cried? [YEAH over a darkwing duck episode]26: What colour is the shirt you are wearing? [Grey. It has Mickey mouse on it!]27: Do people ever call you by your last name? [Noooope]28: Is anyone ignoring you right now? [I wouldn’t know]29: Do you have a best friend? [YEAH everyone in the cars discord and raven and lindy]30: Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed? [No it was my great grandma lol]31: Who was your last call/text message from? [Call: red cross asking for my blood. Text: raven saying “dang”]32: Are you mad at anyone? [Not really? I don’t get angry very easily at all]33: Have you ever kissed someone older than you? [When I was a freshman I was dating a junior]34: How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday? [My great grandma! 88 I think]35: How many more days until your birthday? [LIKE a whole entire year. August 2nd]36: Do you have any summer plans yet? [Help my friend after her spine surgery p much. Visit family around the 4th of july]37: Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex? [I have tons of girl friends!! All my best friends are girls (except em but they’re a good friend still!!!)]38: Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now? [Lindy doesn’t know I’m trans]39: Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone? [Uhhhhhhhhhhh next question]40: Have you ever regretted kissing someone? [I try not to regret things like that]41: Do you think age matters in relationships? [UH YEAH?? An adult dating a minor ain’t my deallll]42: Are you available? [Lmfao yeah but don’t hold your breath I’m awful at relationships]43: How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended? [My ex and bff dksdkdiajsai kill Me. I’ve had small crushes but I don’t rly let them grow too much if I realize they’re poppin up]44: If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get? [Septum]45: Do you believe exes can be friends? [Yeah!!!!! I just reconnected with my ex from freshmen year and he’s cool]46: Do you regret anything? [Times where my mouth moved before my head could think and I hurt someone I cared about. Times where I didn’t listen. Times where I hesitated. But the past is a different country, and I try not to waste the present lamenting what I could’ve done.]47: Honestly, what’s on your mind right now? [Home. And the mistakes I’ve made.]48: Did you ever lose a best friend? [Yeah. She moved away and we just… talked less, and less, and less.]49: Was your last kiss a mistake? [Nah it was my great grandma]50: Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like? [They have a bf and also dont like me plus im unlovable and bad at relationships and feelings *shrug emoji* the other person I’m interested in lives too far away and also doesn’t like me like that]51: Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry? [Twas my gg and probably when I was a baby]52: Do you still talk with the person you LAST kissed? [All these last kiss ones are so angsty and sad and it was literally my grandma 5 hours ago I’m laughing]53: What was the last thing you ate? [McDonald’s French fries!!!!!]54: Did you get any compliments today? [Nah I’m in my road trip attire so I look like a mess]55: Where are you going on your next vacation? [New Orleans in October for voodoo fest!! Gonna see the foo fighters B)]56: Do you own anything from other countries?[I think I have Canadian money somewhere…]57: Are most of your friend guys or girls?[girls!!]58: Where have you lived most of your life?[Sweet Home Alabama]59: When was the last time you took a long drive?[DOING IT RN!!!!! 13 HOURS]60: Have you ever played Spin the Bottle?[yea but it was like, mashed up with truth or dare. Instead of kissing we asked them truth or dare]61: Have you ever TPd someone’s house?[nah I’m pretty mild]62: Who do you text the most?[raven probably? Or max]63: What was the last movie you saw?[spirited away I think??? First time I ever saw it]64: What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex?[I’m single, don’t remind me :P]65: How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have in 2011?[I was 12 and right smack dab in the middle of my ugly awkward phase (thays still going on today!) So I had none lmao]66: Is the last person you kissed younger than you?[nah]67: Do you curse around your parents?[GOOD LORD NO]68: Are you happy with where you live?[I? Hate Alabama. My city is okay but I want to move somewhere nicer]69: Picture of yourself? [I have a selfie tag. I would upload but I’m lazy. Maybe if I find a pic I like later I will]70: Are you a monogamous person or do you believe in open-ended relationships?[polyamory All the wayy!!!!! But monogamy is cool too]71: Have you ever been dumped?[probably in elementary school but I don’t remember? I usually am the one to end it bc I get freaked out and skittish around people genuinely caring about me so I break it up before they’re disappointed]72: What do you most like about making out?[being comfortable and close enough with someone to do it.]73: Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren’t seriously involved with?[yup!]74: When you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it or the other?[depends? I’ve asked to kiss someone and I’ve been asked equal amounts.]75: What part of a person’s body do you find most attractive?[eyes? Idk there’s a lot that goes into finding someone attractive it’s hard to narrow it down]76: Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed?[my mom]77: Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour?[virgin]78: Had sex with someone you didn’t know their name?[virgin]79: What makes your heart flutter and brings a big cheesy smile to your face?[Any cartoon character I’m currently hyperfixated on]80: Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already?[yes. But i would go slow and I wouldn’t want to meet their child until we were both sure this was something we wanted long term.]81: Has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you?[no its usually me? Wait i take that back!! One girl did while I was in hs but I’m pretty sure she only did it bc she just figured out her sexuality and I was queer and there.]82: Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush?[nope I bottle that shit up!!!! But if it’s a long standing crush I’ll tell a few people eventually]83: Do you miss your last sweetie?[No.]84: Last time you slow danced with someone?[my friend Franklin at prom. We pretended to be spies on a mission forced to act casual as we scoped out potential enemies]85: Have you ever ‘dated’ someone you’ve never met?[??? Don’t like the skeptical quote marks. I’ve been in long distance relationships before, yes.]86: How can I win your heart?[just like…… be nice to me, ever, and I’m into it. Talk about things you like, ask me about things I like, try and get into/understand my interests and I’ll do the same?? Don’t make fun of me and don’t belittle my interests. The bar is low]87: What is your astrological sign?[leo]88: What were you doing last night at 12 AM?[sleeping]89: Do you cook?[pasta!!!!!!!]90: Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than 3 months of no communication?[yeah!!! 3 years of no talking and I reconnected with max recently]91: If you’re single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship?[uh it’s complicated. Yes but idk if I’m in a good place for a relationship. I haven’t even begun to transition at all.]92: Do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly?[you say that like I could get multiple people to date me]93: What physical traits do you look for in a potential interest?[nice dress style?? Glasses are good too. Idk questions like this are hard augh]94: Name four things that you wish you had![money, a job, plush darkwing duck toy, a car]95: Are you a player?[no]96: Have you ever kissed 2 people in one day?[nooooope]97: Are you a tease?[hahahahaha no]98: Ever meet anyone you met on Tumblr?[nope!!! Not yet]99: Have you ever been deeply in love with someone?[maybe. But I don’t think you can love someone too deeply who doesn’t love you back]100: Anybody on Tumblr that you’d go on a date with?[sure, plenty]101: Hugs or Kisses?[both??? Both is good]102: Are you too shy to ask someone out?[It’s Not shyness, it’s rejection I have a problem with]103: The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?[girls are pretty]104: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe?[Yeah I guess]105: If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was in relationship, would you go for it?[If it was an open relationship and everyone knew the situation, then yea prob?? If not, then no.]106: Do you flirt a lot?[not really]107: Your last kiss?[my grandmaaaaa]108: Have you kissed more than 5 people since the start of 2012?[not in a romantic way]109: Have you kissed anyone in the past month?[not in a romantic way]110: If you could kiss anyone who would it be?[next question]111: Do you know who you’ll kiss next?[nope!! It’s a hopefully nice surprise for future me]112: Does someone like you currently?[probably not lol but ive got no idea!!]113: Do you currently have feelings for anyone?[sure]114: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?[I want to fall in love.]115: Ever made out with just a friend?[yeah]116: Are you happier single or in a relationship?[in a relationship I think?]117: Your own question that you want me to answer. Just write it.[just send me an ask and ill answer it]

This got a bit of self hatred dashed in there whoops sorry!!!

[shamelessmultifandomcommunity]

BOIIIIIIIII I NEEED TO RAANNNNT

Okay this is gonna be quite long so if you don't care about other ppls feelings plz leave. I'm gna abbreviate some words because my fingers are swollen but I still wanna type.

Lets start shall we.

I might as well just tell you how fucked up I am, so basically I have dyslexia, dyspraxia, Crohn's disease which led to arthritis in my fingers and knees. I also have insomnia. regular pain everywhere. All I'm saying is thank god health care in England Is free.

ok lets go back to November 2015: We had a new boy(lets call him lanky cuz that's wat we call him IRL)who I only spoke to once and in the space of 2hrs I had figured out I like him a lot but I didn't tell anyone for a year.

over time me and lanky become had frienemies (my best friend (ant) hates him and I didn't want her to know that I like him so I played along), making sly comments about each other while staring at each other. ok lets fast-forward about a year oh yh I should probably mention I was severely bullied about 3yrs ago and lost all self confidence.

September 2016 I move forms so I'm not with the bullies and I make new best friends lets call them potato, lion, giraffe, goat, mouse and blicgiraffe. Goat, Mouse and blicgiraffe are boys so people just assume I have a crush on them especially mouse(acc they think me and mouse r goin out) because we play fight a lot. I found out mouse had a crush on me but I didn't like him  cuz of lanky. the short version is mouse tells lanky I like him lanky basically cusses me out, I cry end of story for now. Ant has a crush on goat he doesn't like her.

December 2016 I regain confidence.New boy called marshmallow he cute, has a nice personality  I like him not as much as lanky tho cuz why not even tho lanky has mild acne, glasses and may or may not smell. But I still rlly like him.

January 2017 I realize I LOVE lanky cuz why tf not. ant has a crush on goat.

March 2017 me and marshmallow become close friends thru goat (bless that boii) as a dare I tell marshmallow I like him, he rejects me that friendship is gone, when I ask him why his response is "because a lot of girls like me and I have to say no to a lot of them"

me:

But no this crusty dusty  earth didn't want to stop there noooo it decides to give giraffe a boyfriend(lanky shit) because he likes her SHE DONT EVEN LIKE HIM but decides to give it a go anyway (shes now in love with him) I'm fine with that but he is a FUCKING DRUG ADDICT, lion tells her crush she likes him, he likes her back they all happy and lovey dovey and THEN goat likes ant out of nowhere. I'm just here like

Start of April 2017 I found out the real reason marshmallow doesn't like me is because I'm "generally unattractive" I've never cried so much in my life.

ima let you guys decide am I ugly

^me (last year and before you ask no I do not get my eyebrows done they're naturally like that)

anyway, apparently lanky shit asked marshmallow if he likes me and he said yes, BOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII but then again no one believes lanky shit cuz he lied to his girlfriend but that's a different story.

So.....yesterday I find out marshmallows been telling ppl I asked him out, NO NO NO WTF NO I SAID I LIKED HIM NOT WILL "YOU GO OUT WITH ME" BOIIIIIII. ppl now think its okay to use that against me (I'm one of those ppl who likes to challenge other ppl when they cuss other ppl) AND just to make things worse ppl are saying I asked out lanky.

LORD JESUS CHRIST I HAVENT EVEN TOLD HIM I LIKE HIM Y WOULD I ASK HIM OUT. But no I didn't ask him out one of my "FRIENDS" ASKED HIM OUT FOR ME.

I give up all this has made my arthritis act up, now my fingers are swollen

thank you for reading my life story I'm gna go cry now.

[haeroniel-doliet]

dwhos here for another raaaaaant (vent)? topic is friendships but lets see where thisll go! waheyy let us insert the read more. 

kayokay okay welcome youre gonna regret this; if you havent read through my shitty vents before prepare for ilegibility and thought trains going all over the place and references to things and people youll never know okay great you got off this train? cool gives me more power to crash it see ya. 

okay where do we even begin, oh lets go wild and push out a couple topics first. one is; how shit has improved being uni and how everything seems awful brighter now; why it hasnt actually improved and im lonely as ever; how lonely have i always been; but am i really lonely or just think i should have more bc expectations; why im like this and cannot form relationships

lets start with a bit of a history dive eh eh this is what youre here for, me oversharing my life to nobody thatll read it but come on anyway bc one of the reasons i even fucking do these is because; ironically enough; i have no friends to vent this to!! nobody who actually gives a shit!! and even if they did i have a lot more words and confused thoughts to write out here that would just be really mean to inflict on someone else. 

ok so, classically as a kid ive almost grown as an only child, obviously have a big bro of 7 yrs older that i never formed more of a bond to than the one we share by sharing a family. aka we barely talk. but like i know he doesnt hate me i guess? ok im not gonna go there. its a weird mess. but. all childhood was mostly me playin by myself bc our family friends had kids his age not mine, and we moved around a bunch too and people came in and out, i guess i made ‘best friends’ pretty easily, but none stuck around longer than a year maybe 2-3. bc thats how life was and as a child i guess it wasnt a bother bc hey, let me be friends with everyone! oh but protective parents also mean mostly on my own. thats cool. im totally mature to be sitting at the adults table (there was no kids table) well early at 6-7. mhmmm 

lemme return to finland and start being an early awkward preteen! oh ill be friends with everyone! oh. everyone already has their best friend or best friend group? oh i get left on the playground alone ‘playing the dog at home while they go shopping okay playground games were lame but whaddyou do’ aight cool im okay with this theyre all my friends and im gona draw you all to make friends and nobody like actually bullies me or thinks im weird i guess, anyway school work. oh okay ill make best friends w my neighbour bc were only 7 days apart in age and thats crazy!! i guess we also make friends with lil girls next door bc were 10- 12 and thats what u do. sure. i feel rather criticised by my so called bff bc. we are not on the same wavelength, i feel dumb, im never as funny even if they are hilarious to me, i do gross things w out thinking (imagine having to be told by your friend that you need to buy deodorant when you never thought abt it) and like a bunch of other stuff like not picking up on social cues they dont wanna hang out with me or they dont think looking at funny pictures on the phone is fun... oh okay i mean i guess theyre way better than me but were still friends right? uh yeah. 

okay lets take a gap and go to uk, oh wow, SHIT people actually miss me at home?? im making friends with all these kids in my neighbourhood! oh i can be like the movies where they go down the street and hang out and have movienights awesome! who this is the best! fucking halloween w other 13 yr olds?? having hobbies w them? walking to the bus together and home together?? mad. wild. friends. lets ignore the school consisting of pricks and the only time in my school career ive gotten bullied. like classic bullying. pens thrown at me, butt touched, skirt lifted, name called, teasing my ‘naivety’ (do you work at the dildo factory? haahah. are you frigid? would you have sex with me if i bought you a burger?) oh 13-14 yr olds....  ok no its a wild really good and really shit year combined into an okay year. let me just return home and promise to keep in touch and really very barely keep in touch with any of them. thanks instagram for enabling minimal contact and keeping up w each other. 

(also back then made my first post cryin to tumblr oh why cant i have tumblr besties like everyone else seems to, please someone be my internet buddy! lucky enough actually talked to Amelia a lot, though...... 14 yr old and abt 20 smth. but we played minecraft together and made two shit youtube videos of our competition participation like. you were a good friend to me. never pushed it too far and i really liked having a mature friend. such a shame you seem to have disappeared off the internet (anywehre i know how to reach you) bc hell, i would not have been opposed to meeting you finally irl at fuckin mcm like i always kinda wanted to bc i saw ppl online do, anyway i hope ur life is good and thanks) 

kay so, finally back home weve all moved past the best friend cliques okay okay my class is actually fuckin rad like whaddu you know i dont have to aggressively swear and avoid hugs anymore (self defence from that shitty year) but actually have all these wholesome friends, ofc there were stronger relationships between some people but! i was included. i felt good. it was good. i figured out this being everyones friend thing. im a proper teen now eh. oh but i still had my best friend (briefly moirail) maxx! talking everyday at least for least half an hour if not more, skype calls... watching movies together... sending shit to canada and that one mail i got from you and planning so hard a visit there, even if it felt unrealistic. maybe even spending too much time on you and not making as many connections to my class friends as i could have, u know. stuck on my phone to always be available to you. making you more important. dunno how often id talk thru a crisis in class or however late at night bc, i wanted to be there for you! i loved being needed and being an important piece in moving thru tough times. sure detrimental maybe irl but i was being too much online anyway which i still do but were not there yet. besides, that relationship has had a bit of a roller coaster in the past nearly4 yrs (is it more?) shit that started from an rp and then slowly talking more to being moirails to being the tightest best friends “momma” and all, to your irl friends breaking it up slowly, then a boyfriend really took oyur time and we didnt talk daily lt alone ever get to call bc... shit. okay but i was friends with your boyfriend and though i saw it wouldnt last i was okay with it, like right cool thats teh boyfriend and im the bestfriend. im still involved. yeah man. oh you broke up and now talk more to me! fuck yeah. ill take your side in this regardless. lets get close again even if its not quite the same. i try join your cosplay groups though i cant help feeling me joining killed them, and i followed some you were passionate on! drew all those rad characters of you and your friends to feel adequate and appreciated. then you ad your drama, hated this kid and i wasnt even rly involved. all of a sudden, tight friends, oh i get to be in a chat w you both and a rad other person i had a mild crush on! rad. hell yeah. ive never been in a groupchat like this! this is great i love it. and the vikings came up. and your new friend left bc i was a cis girl and he has problems and could not deal with me not agreeing with his shit argument. (about my countrys history!!)  anyway. they make their groupchat, groupchats die. oh. great i ruined it. okay. i no longer know whats in your life.... oh youre best friends now? i kind of have to bug you to even get added to your ‘friends page’ as dumb as it is. i get knocked right aside as hes the bff and the greatest sweetest person ever even though he still seems like a major dick and even your cool older friend agrees with me..... a load of bullshit and weve drawn apart to barely talking once a week and ive still sent you many gifts bc i think its great! until.  yeah i wasnt gonna send anymore till you promised to set me up with cosplay pieces for christmas and i freak out to send you smth in return (never got more than measurements from me, and due to shit timing i didnt even get to be there for you opening the presents which fuckin ruined it) but whats this? a year on im fucking coming to america and conviced my parents to also go to canada???? fucking insane. still we dont talk much, the plans werent like i expected but i met you and the cool older friend! amazing! it happened! youre real! i brought you more gifts and i got pictures with you and its, it doesnt feel real still. i keep the fucking bus ticket i took from toronto to guelph to remind me. sure i didnt like get much from you back and thats kay different monetary situations and all and yeah. wild. oh but we still barely talk after? no its ok i get it youre not that good with texting people anymore (even if you kept texting you bff while i was there.... like. maybe he was having a crisis i can understand but... please you barely talk to me anymore and now amazingly im there and. you still talk to him a lot. okay...)  ‘ew were not dating were just best friends!” a month later becomes ‘this is my boyfriend and bff i love him more than anything else in the world” ‘oh but hes absolutely a huge mean prick who is super self centered and manipulative,’ and i guess you needed to feel needed like i did and dedicated everything to this shitstorm of a human but. okay... weve drifted apart further, till i demanded thru to your discord (not even active anywhere else) and try damn hard to still talk to you. but its just not genuine. i wanna talk abt important shit to me and worries about myself, but life is difficult on you and i dont feel like you do the same to me so i cant. is it no longer part of our relationship? i guess) 

anyway chapter; who the fuck cares; why i feel i can open up to internet friends more than irl ones;;coming up, the other irl exploits after 9th grade. 

internet friends are based on talking over text and emotions that come up in the moment and contacting them whenever. with irl people, ive always set a sort of boundary that like. our quota of talking is irl. i might message you online but its strictly related to irl things or smth we discussed irl, u feel? even then i mostly never message anyone (thank the two friends in uni ive talked to more than anyone else) but still. theyre people i will unload burdens to IRL when im sitting with them for hours talking about our fucked up relationships with things and life and thats beautiful. but its not consistent through life? like rn all this shit. i cant just go and vent tto you (i guess i could but who knows if youre mad busy and needa be up early tomorrow or are already sleeping or have other shit on your mind, let alone would be offednede by me being so explicit abt me feelings w friendship u being my friend.) anyway, internet friends have broken that and sometimes i talk abt dumb shit ive seen that remind me of them or i wanna get a reaction from someone about and sometimes this bullshit. but more recently, (my discord has fuckin 3 ppl) i cant. i mean. idk if ever could and now theyre just being better w themselves but i cant? Ana tries being a friend and a good online friend but. i cant take it any deeper than like, look how cool this is! yeah that is cool bc theyre exhausted and dont wanna deal w others bullshit and dont want me to deal with theirs bc theyre online to avoid it. all of which i understand but. its kind of hard to deal with. like. youre currently only passionate about your gays in southpark. two things i dont care bout jack shit (actually hate south park idec) and then your response to me just like contemplating quizzes or the way i felt in the mirror at ballet or like smth that comes up to me when im talking abt normal shit, i get an ok, i dk how to respond or, i dont really care. and wildly i love the honesty, and glad to have lines drawn for me when i dont see them, but it always feels like a smack in the face regardless. having stepped out of line and not having realised and stopped before they had to tell me to stop. like it was w that old neighbour bff. i could never tell when she wanted me to leave her alone or smth bc i was having fun! but shed be tired of it and it just. always hurt realising i was too wrapped up in emotion and myself to realise i was annoying or overstepping boundaries and im still terribly self concious about it bc i feel terrible being a bad person like that! i wanna be the perfect friend.ugh. 

the other people on my discord are maxx and the cool older canadian dan, who still is rly cool and admirable. and i feel bad. bc when i first got the dumb thing i talked to him like adults! yea! talked abt maxx and a bit of college and a bit of life and like. it was good! he said good night friend <3 which is like!!! the most wild and exciting thing it fuckin exhilirates me to be called friend in converstion like please fuck validate me being your friend!!!! (god isnt that sad and basically gonna sum up this whole thing) anyway recently im sure things have been sad or busy or hes just that kinda person but my last 4? attempts for convo have gotten no response, even when hes online (supposedly when its ok to message him) and i no longer want to say anything unless its smth im sure id get a response to. bc then im just buggering and annoying the poor guy and become annoying. (even if hes said he doesnt mind and thinks im a great person. i hope) and maxx u know. i can message, and i do, and now more than in a rly long time i- oh my god i get responses!! still they cut short. theres no, hey sorry i dont care or, hey i gotta go, or hey i dont wanna talk abt this, just. no more responses. and i guess my conversational skills are rusty and i havent written anything thatd get an easy response from them! (but stilll, should talking to friends rly require you to formulate conversation starters and talk in a way that doesnt provoke too much but is just easy enough for them to respond briefly and with no investment to make talking to me easy as possible? idk even iguess? maybe im shit at having friends and thats why i have none. shush.)

okay lets head back to irl. high school was shitty weird thing, around 10 ppl in class and i only made friends w 3? got bullied for a good couple days on a trip by 1 and another class person. terrible trying to make friends and keep friendly with everyone in a tiny school but i managed and alls good, and even still, just made friends with the most compatible people, not sure if id have been friends with otherwise. one a nervous wreck of a boy that the teacher tried to like ‘ship us together with’ but while he had a girlfriend and we managed to keep conversation joking and chill (as it should be and i made good sure of it) it was fine, he still like i a very girlfriend oriented person and i guess doesnt chat much online w other girls? im cool with it, a couple snap updates on life here an there its whatever. youre an anxious person anyway and we dont always like. work as friends. another was from japan, who id decieded to make a friend if only to have a friend in japan to visit and to teach me a bit (and teach us to make food! okay im so glad we were friends) and at school it was great enough. helped her get confident in speaking english and correcting work and sitting together at lunch and hanging out outside of school on the rare occasion schedules lined up was fab! i actually am gonna miss her. even if we werent close. and i feel bad bc idk if she wants to keep in contact, and i really suppose i should just aim to write her like a text once a month or so to keep in touch thatd be good, cover that. keep up english and so on. maybe (ps old friends from childhood pop up every now and then on social media and have the rare chat which is quite nice actually! even if im not active or keep them updated, some realtionships i like to leave lukewarm and not hateful but smth thats easy to catch up with if opportunity comes up. i actually can do that quite a lot, make good conversation and feel friendly and make acquaintances. i just. have no idea how to push them to proper active friendships (it just happens sometimes by accident) and no absolute clue how to make htat into a very close “bff we share everything i can message you whenever” kinda relationship classic media like facebook portrays idk. do i need it? i guess not but i kinda wanna know what thats like bc relationships are not a thing for me. lets make that its own paragraph) oh but also on old school friends my frustration of a few days, just. a friend that is the easiest to keep in touch with bc they intitiate and have time and want to do things, but god its annoying and i dont like them. our humours dont align and i feel judged and criticised and like. idk. dont feel great w them. theres moments of like genuine “im glad i met you bc i would have switched schools otherwise” from her and a jar of reminders why were friends and some good memories, but its just. she drains me. and i dont wanna talk deep w her. and though to some other friend it seems like we are heckin dating in secret bc of how comfortable we are and how much we end up communicating to organise things, uhm were not. i wouldnt date her ever im sorry. struggling to stay friends and have it fade to the background amicably before i do or say smth wrong and fuck it up. anyway its just bugging me and i hate it bc i feel bad for her and bad for myself and its just a mess that i dont wanna deal with that mucheven if i talked my parents ear off about it.

ok intermission to parents. in a way no. no fuck they are not my friends. my mom will never be my best friend and i dont think they want that either,being classic parents and allbut i guess, sometimes when i get past the ugh youll never understand youre so god damn annoying!! teenage phase my brain still has, i do talk to them about a lot of things that upset me, bc unlike friends, they cant decide not to care about me or stop talking to me u know. i have vented about shit practices that have really tested my self worth and lack of emotions (remind sobbing like a bitch with a mud covered ass walking home from a terrible skating practice and falling in the rain) and mom comforting thru it. mind telling them all the pent up feelings abt flatmates and analysing them to her like”well shes rly nice and we talk abt this and this but i cant help but feel she doesnt really wanna talk to me and also they didnt wanna hang out and they keep leaving their dishes and told me to clean mine but they did this and that and....” i never talk about internet friends or a lot abt other things bc. not relevant and i dont think id hear what i wanna hear. but im kinda glad i still can do that and vent to them abt like real life things and things that upset me even if its not exhaustive and i cant do everything and they dont fill the gap of this “true best friend” i have emulated. but thats a point of why im not rly lonely. bc i have outlets to a lot of these needs that im not missing it all . just dont have it all in one person or even a small group of ppl.

wht next. oh remind me to come back to group things online. anyway lets give uni a try. so weve talked abt my two impressive friends irl who take the same course as me and kind of have dragged me thru and have gone to hobbies w me and hung out w me for hours and actually come to visist me in london an been cool? yeah theyre pretty rad people and very smart and im glad theyre in my life. even if w al the ranting im not comfortable messaging them all hours of the night to talk abt all my insecuritites and thoughts and problems u know. and one is dating and both have flatmate drama and other groups of friends and tho theyre friends between each other we dont like. make the ultimate trio which is why were not moving in together ( also reminder to being called the 3 musketeers w my high school two gals bc we were seein kinda doing everything together (in school) by me sticking us all together with my “i need to feel validated with friends” glue. that was quite nice.) 

but like in uni, ive said it to a lot of people. its amazing. ive never been happier knowing this many people. i dont make drama, i almost never get included in any drama so all i get are friends!!! and having flatmates, and flatmates friends, and class mates, and people ive just met , and hobby friends i just knew so many people thatd be friendly to me and even smile at me in passing it feels great man. having multiple group hobbies and socials to go to (even if i dont drink much and its not like were partying) it feels good man. i want more of this next term now that i have no”i dont know anyone there” excuses. god i love it. i love waving to people i know, i love getting a ride from someone to go hang out t another friends place and people knowing me by name and caring about my presence! (though not too much, like nobody would miss me i guess, but i still have more of a place to carve and i cant say for sure that they did not notice me missing) anyway archery has been terrbily wholesome and one of the best things ive invested time into and im sad some of the happy faces there are leaving this summer....... and sure none of these friends have gone even to proper hugging levels, let alone talking together without a group of people or god, messaging privately if not strictly club stuff (ok theres like, a couple, one that im delighted about and cant wait to hang w in finland even tho theyre cooler than me)  but u know, same problem w. hm were friends within this hobby group. were not like. actually friends outside of this and wouldnt hang outside of it. uh. yeah. dont rly have that many that kinda friends..... just 2 in fact. ill work on that.... 

side note, i try joining in online groups like mxrp discords, and an odd skype chat for homestuck cosplayers. but its kinda the worst. i dont mind observing and reading in and commenting in my head and rarely actually participating tho nobody knows who i am, but like. nobody knows who i am or cares if im there at all. and its kind of a not great feeling. im not needed or wanted here. they just dont mind me being there u know. idk wht to do with those feelings. i dont really wanna make myself obnoxiously present and make people remember and want to talk to me and actually become immersed in it, bc these dont seem like that great people idk. i guess im too  ‘mature’ to just go omg i love you an all that. 

anyway lets dive into hmmmmmm  why am i still lonely? funny question eh. its because i have no consistent close relationships with anyone. have i ever? maxx was closest but i guess nawh here we are. i can get close to u in a night of just talking for hours but. if it doesnt carry through consistently does it count? i have a couple people to message when im delighted abt smth (heck even post to snapchat to get those lukewarm friendships to be reminded of me) and i have my parents to be sad to about a certain category of things that i share w them (like hobby frustrations and friends theyve met frustrations, and some body upset) i have this hunk of friends in uni i can hang out and chill with and will continue making better friends with gladly. im not an isolated herrmit (all the time) nor do i think im socially despicable. im just. normal. online ive felt more and more as much as i spend my entire day online w all these things im not an internet person??im not always posting on social media, im not always talking to 10 ppl at once, im not writing or creating media, im not consuming other than youtube actually, (like i dont watch shows u knw) , all i do is rp when i muster the strength and hang out lukewarm on tumblr posting rants and reblogging pretty and fun things, not getting involved much. not a fan of anything, not obsessed w anything, not overtly gay ( i dont even know what i am but girls are pretty and sex and relationships get gross as soon as you add me into the picture) and not an exciting personality. hell. i currently fuckin like ballet and archery and like. thats about it. (also hahahhahh catch me going down the abc list of hobbies, aikido, archery, badminton (w archery ppl) ballet. what next. cricket? crochet... cooking? dance (ballet) fencing gaming (hah no), hockey? ice skating ( im already doing it) like look at me anyway shh) im not trans and i dont feel gay enough to fit in (what a rant that is, but im just ignoring it for now) im so boring. too reational, too uninvolved, too unopinionated/have an opinion but prefer to keep quiet and at peace. i guess this is what normal people are like off the internet. and ill just deal with it. but how normal people fill the gap are these ridiculously idealistic bff groups that i clearly dunno how to achieve, and uh. relationships.

so i can foresee a future where an imaginative foggy figure will care about me so much and want to hear all these rants and talk about all my wild thoughts with me and love me and remind me of it and be happy around me and think im funny and make me feel good and loved and better than i am and be someone i love being aorund constantly and wont have to feel self concious with or like i need to be putting on the front that is not gross and is a lovely sociable person. like i doubt they even exist. the kind im specifically thinking off thatll make life a sunset gold and unbelievably happy and good. ill save that sunset gold feeling to my dream future, one in which im happy with my body and personality and have that shadowy figure that makes me all whole and better than im alone and all these pets and animals that i love and love me and plants and color and art and whimsical decorations and yknow. i see it in my head. it feels real good. i kinda wanna see if itll actually happen. it just. it feels so fuzzy and warm and i would love for that actually be real and look back on this and be like. i have it. everythings complete. we can dream. i might get it when im grey and old and all alone but found smth that makes it that good. anyway im not discounting that there might be ‘the one’ in that future, the perfect one. but. i still doubt in the present when or if ill ever meet them let alone if i do htat anything would happen. ive never ever dated anyone or even come close to it. i dont understand how people just, end up in relationships or almost always have one, and i guess im not trying to bc idk if i want it-  idk if im ready for it, but its a weird one ill tell u. i feel with this perfect imaginary figures all these bad feelings would go away and i could talk about them and someone help me fix them and become more and better than my thoughts. but i dont wanna look for one. i dont wanna experiment in relationships so that im ready and wont fuck it up when the one comes bc, its horrendous and stressful and im gross! im not dating material. nah. and obviously nobodys tried to date me so were all on the same page. honestly once i sort out the other things wrong w me, i might just get to therapy for this shit. like. why are relationships such a shit concept to me and like why and how do i deal with it without just saying fuck it relationshipss are not for me. i have no doubt ill keep making connections and friends throughout my life in all different random places, but im actually... kinda afraid none will stick around. if i cant form consistent strong friendships theyre al gonna fade away and ill have nobody when i need someone. having that one solid person would really help bc theyre there thick and thin i guess aparently. i have myself, but considering what a mess i am idk if thats enough at all. i think i should change myself an awful lot though before a relationship could happen. like. nobody wants a barely showering fat chubby in an awkwardway terrible skinned messy sad blabbery person. like. just a gross one. i gotta become so much better before i can even consider letting someone past to get this close i guess. i guess. these feelings are really not settling here and i feel off the rocker. like unsettled and uneasy. also i need to pee which is rly not helping feel less gross. that and my hair is nasty greasy bc rather than take a shower at a reasonable time i did.... nothing. and then i started writing this an hour, two hours ago? more? idk. 

kay then, we have reflected briefly while i was away on how fat and ugly i am and how hopeless considering ive been trying to finish a knitting project for my baby cousin and start drawing again or even just playing my old pokemon game (yknow summer vacay) things in the past few days. nawh. havent. even more productively i should have done actual exercise to build my stamina and make faster improvements in ballet and actually try and tackle the fat and ugly feeling in 8 weeks (but that like... requires diet control... which is hard?) and like o u know. finishing my fucking university course ive lied to everyone abt? ok lets be real i have passed the year and can move into the next w the credits i have and passed all the mandatory classes. but. i want/ need to pass this class. and i already forked out 30 pounds hopefully correctly to apply for a resubmission (more like first submission) of all these projects and its hard. considering in my hirearchy of shit that needs to be done (easiest most necessary first)  i havent even reached the first ladder of like washing my nasty hair. the ladder includes all the above projects and at the end of it is like completing that course (needs to be done by the end of the month u kno bitchh. u dont know how long its gonna take you cannot leave it to the last few days. and this other bulshit course idk if ill even get credit for completing late and dont know if i care but i guess i gotta do it anyway 

basically i just wanna d ie. thatd be nice. id not have to feel fat and stupid and worthless and discomfrot in my own skin and just. nasty and numb but bad all over. okay im really not feeling great bout now. but thanks to all the above weve realised i have nobody to talk to whod talk me out of these feelings and comfort me (let alone if im capable as a person to accept that considering theyd have to be very convicing to get past me going “mhmmm but youre wrong” ) 

anyway this has been terribland i havent achieved anything but feelin kinda bad. we have covered that ive never had proper friendships and that might be detrimental to me ever forming the kind of close companionship i seem to be missing, however at least i can make easy friends briefly and as such know im not a terrible person thru and thru that people hate. i just dont know how to cross that nd not be horribly annoying or how to find those kind of people bc shit and bullshit. do i need it? no i guess ill be fine. would it make my life better and more worth it? probably. id hope so. i mean it seems pretty important in human existence for there to be so damn many songs and movies and aboslutely everything focused around it. 

anyway. i know nobodys gonna finish reading this and i kinda hope i dont read back on this either. my cringey diary moments hidden under a readmore on tumblr. whats sadder.... tsk who wants to figure out how many words this all is? 

mhmmmm mmm 7 pages on word and 6059 words. damn gurl. no FUCKIN WONDer nobody wants to talk to me about my thoughts and feelings when they just erupt. bc even by erupt i mean a mild discomfort that im trying to pin down to a cause and an actual feeling so and so unsuccessfully.