#<3 remember how we used to run....
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aviationgf · 1 month ago
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found this in my drafts what the fuck was i on during that internship
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sysig · 2 months ago
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A lot of early concept stuff was expression/pose brainstorming - there’s the classic six Webkinz emotions (which, I learned have been largely pared down to just four after a point! Since they got rid of Dr. Quack’s role, there’s no more “sick” expression and most ‘Kinz’ tired and sad expressions are the same! >:0 What’s the point of having an easily editable puppet with the spaghetti code intact that you have to put an image there AnyWay and not make a slightly different expression!! H’f) as well as the main Sakura poses - so if I’m already making up expressions, why no go a little further! :D
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One of the expressions I definitely needed up top was Mischievous - working with a cat, that’s the only logical conclusion really. I think it’s funny that she swerves the compliment only to pay it right back as well lol
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The ticklish expression is one I’m still going back and forth on! I’m half tempted to have it be somewhere between happy and angry - maybe a mood gradient, starting out just positive and slowly moving into “Hey stop! >:0″ if it’s too many times in a row? It’s a thought haha
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Similarly so, messing with her ears - bothering your pets is a very important element of socialization (lol)
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As seen above, I’d reallyyy like to figure a way to have a dual-visual mood system - both the ‘Kinz body language/expression/emotion and a more exact stat bar. I’m still chewing on this idea a bit, no pun intended lol. That and click-and-drag with an actual image you can drag around your screen, hm and hm! Much to think about. Her face here turned out cute and funny haha, helped me push the expression more comedic
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Much better :) Webkinz already has some well-known food dialogue, my favourite is probably “Mmm to the mmmax!” haha
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Each low-mood would have their own emotion tied to it, but what about somewhere in the middle? I like the idea of the ‘Kinz getting bored if they’re left alone for too long! And little paw taps, showing off her embroidered paw pad haha ♪
#Doodles#Webkinz#Diamond#Ghostkinz#Ukadevlog#Diamond makes for an excellent concept art model#But y'already knew that haha she's featured a few times now! Plush or digital she's so cute#Of course these were made before her vectors! Had to start traditionally first and foremost!#All the bluesky stage so let's! see! what makes it to coding it lol#Some of these I even know how to do! :D The rest uhh we'll see :)#For now it's just the fun of Ideas >:3c Strong creative ideas cannot be fettered by realism! Lol#It'll be fun to see what makes it all the way to final! Heck I don't even know how much of what Actually Currently Finished will stay haha#I considered having the extra doodles under a cut but ehhh it's a cheat week it's fiiine it's not a big deal#How are we feeling on these mostly-unedited doodles haha - they're not too bad I think :)#The little intro in the first one haha - I went with my current in-game name even tho I use ''Willian'' for all my Ghosts this one included#It's a WillPlays but also not?? It's fine don't worry about it lol#Since pets are so centrally featured I gotta make sure they're good ahh#Smol actually came up with a great idea for face-clicks that aren't punches :3c So I'm gonna try that out sometime hehehe#It doesn't feel right to punch a 'Kinz! :'0 Bothering them is fine tho lol#So far I've thought up some ways to intentionally drop Happiness and Energy but I think Hunger would just have to be a waiting game#Maybe an activity of some kind? Not sure hmm#Anyway don't intentionally try to make your 'Kinz sick just to see the cute/sad blinking animations! That's mean!#(Do it I made the blinking animation soooo hard so every time they blink it's like she's struggling to keep them open ahhh)#I had the idea to have a run-away system if they're mistreated but hmmm dunno yet not sure#It really is fun to think of a more in-depth pet system ♪ I really like the many many features Webkinz Classic has!#The wide selection of pets and items and the room and clothes customization and games and like - there's a lot on offer!!#But it does really feel like the Interactions With Your Online/Plush Pet have fallen wayyy to the wayside :(#There's only extremely sparse locations you can even talk /to/ your pet anymore :( Not just as them like an avatar#I remember chatting with Sugar every time I logged on - I have to join a specific timed event just to wish Embroidery good luck anymore#Getting to chat is a big big reason I'm excited for this <3 It's /fun/ to chat with your plush! It makes them more real <3
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wuntrum · 2 years ago
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when the cycles of trauma show has the characters start to fall back into their own destructive habits and ways because they are simply unable to free themself from the cycle that binds them: NOOOOOOOOOOO 😭😭😭💔💔😖😖😫😫😨😨😨💔💔💔
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lem-argentum · 2 months ago
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i keep forgetting i have my blog themed around them and whenevwr i remember i take 1000 damage
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deus-ex-mona · 7 months ago
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such is the tale of a ✨chronically online hypocrite✨
#(please forgive this old folk’s rambling for a hot min bc i need to get this off my chest somehow and in some way)#tl;dr: come and get into the hw idol series!!! we have ship discourse; more ship discourse; even more ship discourse#(yes ik people should be free to ship what they do b u t claiming a noncanon ship as canon and forcing it on everyone else is. not cool.)#yes yes friday’s mv was visually cute and ino.rin’s singing was peak b u t i feel like it has caused more harm than good in some way???#i cant b e l i e v e the jp hwtwt beef over friday’s mv is still going on mannnnnnnnn#no less than 3 separate people have made posts along the lines of#‘p l s stop using [official tags] to post about *[unnamed] non-official ships* p l s there’s a time and place for everything’#and n o n e of them even remotely run in the same circles yet they’re all banded together against a *certain* group lmfao never change hwtwt#lhy (esp yhy) shippers are always at the scene of the crime mannnnnnn#i cant see anything on their end of the naval battle (has every single lhy tag+account that i could think of blocked)#b u t it’s still really funny to witness on my twtdash against my will. i think i need to touch grass#‘kyhn isn’t canon either so why do you like it while being such a hater towards lhy—‘#great question!!!!!! it’s bc (disregarding the movie) they actually interact really well together~~~ like the honeypre event y k—#and also bc yukki treats hina really nicely all the time (even when she was being tsun and literally running from her feelings for him)#a n d hina loved him for who he truly was; even before his image change arc. and she also does her best to appeal to him and such~~~~~~~#but lhy. uh. they just bully hiyo 95% of the time and while they do look out for her bc they’re pals#they’re just pals. guys. and lxl have gone ‘uwu it must be u uwu’ to each other one too many times so shoehorning hiyo between them would.#be pretty weird ngl? esp since the ‘widely accepted’ portrayal of lhy as a trio is p much just hiyo x 2 dudes who dont even like each other#and. like. a branch of such portrayals usually seem to have aizo waft away from the ‘r/s triad’ to date mona instead which is. very weird.#some people just pick and choose aizo and mona interactions dont they. all they see is the umbrella scene and go ‘ah yes. canon’#they dont even read further to see how mona doesn’t even use the umbrella after aizo leaves (clear rejection)#a n d how aizo doesn’t even remember giving the umbrella to mona + mona’s entire existence in general after that#and that’s not even counting the grudge mona refuses to let go of even after what looks to be literal months#so for certain shippers to just casually shoo aizo out of the hiyoharem and into mona’s unwilling arms for the sake of yhy is. weird.#and like. shouldn’t he and yujiro have a say in this?? they’re more interested in each other than hiyo so just how are they being commonly#portrayed as hiyosimps in fanon? im so confused… like. wouldn’t they be equally obsessed with each other (as w/ hiyo) if they were a rstrio?#aaaaaa get this off my twtdash plsssssssss pls see this post twtapp pls let this affect your dumb algorithm im tired of the ship discourseee#as funny as the ‘lhy vs the world’ naval warfare is it’s getting. um. very annoying!!!! and now im missing nagisa more than ever s o b s#plsplsplsplsplsplsplsplspls influence the algorithm ragepost; ik big brother is 👀watching👀 so do your thing—#(pls feel free to duke it out with me too if y’all read this i need my birdsite algorithm to le a r n that i dont wanna see stuff like this)
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flashandthunder · 7 days ago
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imo the biggest crime is not the losing but always being so fucking boring about it
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wiki-howell · 9 months ago
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guess who managed to mention dnp in his a level media exam 🔥🔥
#okay it was relevant i promise#basically okay the question was about to what extent is it vital for media products to identify and address a target audience to be#successful and we study 2 radio products#one is newsbeat which is by the bbc it's like a news radio show that's meant to target age 15-29#but the average listener is 30#so . it is Not effectively targeting its audience#it gives . how do you do fellow kids#like it tries really really hard to appeal to young adults/teenagers but it's . painful to listen to sometimes#the bbc have been trying to target this age bracket coz it's the one they don't have a secure audience in#I SAID that they used to have a slightly bigger younger audience in the early 2010s#bcos they had the dan and phil show on radio 1 which was very popular and attracted their mainly teenage/young adult presold audience#they used the popularity of the internet to their advantage by having dnp run a show#but now they've lost a lot of their younger audience To social media platforms#as now what are called digital natives in media (people who have grown up with the internet/don't really remember a time before it)#for the most part prefer to get their news off social media rather than radio#a lot of this is general i know not Every young person Hates radio#but in general it's losing popularity esp amongst younger target audiences#media 🔥🔥🔥🔥#that was only like . a mention in one paragraph tho#coz unfortunately we don't study dnps radio show we study Newsbeat 😔#anyway the exam was overall good for the most part#yay :3#joeyposting
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low-needleworker6860 · 3 days ago
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Dum de dum dum
Gonna add max tags and max characters to each cause who cares
#the limit to the number of characters is 140 and I can’t use the same tag twice so this may take time. also I can’t add commas easily so sor#ry for the run on sentences. I doubt anyone will read all this. it’s gonna take a while to write. maybe I just keyboard smash. but that seem#s unoriginal or cheating. and I also wanna use chat gpt but that feels kinda lame? it’s frowned on so much and I don’t wanna be frowned on a#nd idk. I guess I care about what strangers on the internet care about more than myself. which I shouldn’t. I’ll be better tho. anyway i ams#going to be rambling a bit here. but I don’t care. probably no one will read this anyways. maybe I can try some constrained writing prompts.#what with only 140 characters. people usually write a lot of stuff and better under constraints. cause humans be weird sometimes. why on ear#th did I do this to myself???? maybe I will smash!!! agdkdgakfhs!!!! SHDOAGSKFHSJ!!!! bleaugholofomodowopoidk!!! weeepeedeepeedooooooo!! idk#this is boring. I’m only 8 tags in and I’m tired. who knows why I do these things. the mind is a mysterious place. who knows why we do wha w#e do. …. …. idk man. I was gonna say some more stuff about the mind and how weird it is. but I forgor ): now I feel a bit s#ad. but maybe I will remember before the end of this…. spaces make it easier so#spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaceeeeeeesssssss. lol#gonna copy paste 138 spaces in a row and copy paste. then add number at end to make each unique… then this would go so fast…. but is#that cheating? I mean I put these rules on myself. only I would really care if I broke them. but it feels wrong to#so maybe I’ll get this done naturally. with a whole bunch’s spaces to replace a comma. it’ll go so much faster. (:#tag 15. halfway there. goin faster than I thought it would. time flies or something ig. I have an idea#imma try to say all the copypastas I kinda know by memory cause who fucking cares: firstly first. I am gonna do the one about the fitnes#“the fitness gram pace test is a multilevel test that involves many things. like running and sit-ups and push ups and jumping jack eh idk#now for rick roll copypasta. not a real rickroll tho cause there is warning so it’s all cool. I think I’ll stop early like line six or I d k#you know the rules and so do I! a full commitment is what I’m looking for. you know the rules and I do too. never goin to give you up or let#you down or dessert you or anything like that. (I’m jokingly doing it wrong. I actually know them alr. cause been roled a bit.) gon stop now#I know just the starting quote kinda of bee movie. but non else. idk what to say. am tired. is late so idk. idk#this post is taking way to long. I’m on like the second day typing it out ):. I don’t know how much more I can take…. but I must per#servere!!! if I add spaces. then it’ll be done. much quicker. (:(:(: plus I can spam emoticons for fun. :3#:3:3:3:3:3:3:3. (:(:(:(: (;(; :/:/. -_- \: 0: [:<. :>]. =). $). ^_^. *_*. (: I love emoticons#~_~. :p :P. :D. d: :b. q: i-i. T-T. T_T. j-j. -w- uwu. owo. ö. ü. :B. :ß. :oo#:O. :1). QwQ. k: 8ooo>. (|). or i guess (:) might be more anatomically accurate. :+|. •_•. .-. ._. :7). :)#27 tag hereeeeee almost donnn eeeeee. weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. heheh. fun. not actually to bad. this was kinda nice.#yayayayayya. we about finished. Twas a fun time. idk why i did this. ig it was kinda fun. noiceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee#words words words. just mostly nonsense. fun fun fun. idk idk din. ooooo. wwww. owowow. nyaaaaa. meow#3030303030!!! 30!!!! last one woot woot. fun’s. hope reading was fun. i liked typing it. so long and thanks for all the fish.(:
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keeps-ache · 5 months ago
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#art#my art#artists on tumblr#digital art#oc#pink space#doodles#drinking mention#a sketchbook doodle i've expanded :33#this took me a couple days because. of the procrastination kfbghfs#i've finished it though n now? onto more things hbfsh#/i Did have trouble getting the colours i wanted though lol - i just like that subtract glitch look what can i say hfsh#//ye also i had a Really good day yesterday#like a really good day. it was awesome :D#not that anything incredible happened but it's getting cooler outside and i was running around w/ my mother doing some shopping so it was#really good imo hfshv :>>>#yeah... yea :33#//since it's getting cooler now you know what that means!! ?#i can go skatinggggggggg yippeeee :DD#since i got these new skates (they have bigger wheels than i was used to) i've realized i do Not remember how to do half of the things i#knew how to do a couple years ago but i think i'm figuring it out again loll#when we were in detroit that huge cement lot in belle isle was Really good for practicing.. we gotta find a spot like that out here#/yeah though i got bigger wheels cuz i am slow. and easily winded kfhsvg#and i like to skate with my siblings who do not light on fire after breathing heavy for a couple seconds so it does help with keeping up lo#the only thing is that i am nervous about falling everywhere#a fear that is somewhat dulled during the cold months when i can wear a heavy coat and have my little bit of protection hbfhvs#'what about pads' a good point a very good point. i do like pads a lot!!#and i have no reason for why i haven't asked for some new ones yet so i will get back to that at Some Point bhgfsh#i really wanna go skating though.. ooee....#i think skating and lake floating are my two favorite outdoor things to do. yea :3
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rocketonthemoon · 10 months ago
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shadowheart imposter syndrome i have been thinking about this nonstop ever since i started playing bg3 like 5 runthroughs ago. when i romanced her during a durge run, i was thinking about the intersection of durge have to suppress these desires (if you're doing a good play) and feeling like such a poser and scam artist and then shadowheart feeling inadequate after being so chosen for the biggest tasks of any sharran ever. anyway just had to drop in because of your tags lmao
I'm only on my second run (technically 1.5 cause I never actually finished the first one but I missed basically all of act 2 so I just decided fuck it) but Shadowheart's bluster just SCREAMS "I don't know what I'm doing" to me. Combine that with how quickly she's willing to trust you - something sharrans aren't supposed to do? - and then her suppressed memory I just have to believe that she's constantly battling with her guilt and desperately needing to prove herself to Shar.
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gachaparadise · 1 year ago
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eheh ^w^ finally got my first beetle clear in the SimU :)!!! only level one but i'm sooo happy. with how bad it beat my ass when it released being able to take my really poorly considered team and beat it felt sooooo good.
Also!!! i did a couple of celebratory 10 rolls and i got Lynx! two of her even! (i also got 2 hooks but let's not talk about those)
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boygirlctommy · 1 year ago
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ok i have like. the very rough outline for this animatic.
#my post#ripposting#really just need rhe quotes now bcus i know what parts of the song are which fights#oh my god. im gonna have to animate combat.#*frantically pulls up sad.ist* GIRL HELP HOW DO I DRAW FIGHTING#<- uses them as a ref for like every animatic i do lol#i just realized actually. this wasnt intentional but i totally am amking a sa.dist-style animatic rn#its even set to a 2w.ei song ToT#but anyways im sosososo excited for this :DDD the first 48 seconds are just them arriving at the BLOCK#BUT their pirate oath from what binds us is playing. ooo can i do effects on the audio? bcus i kinda want it to be abit echo-ey....#but yeah and then chip as tay is all like 'we need to get these pirates inside!!' and the guard goes 'did we ever get a name for this crew?#and then theres like this moment of silence. and thats where chips gonna go 'the r.iptide pirates :)' and then BOOM LOUD MUSIC#thats where they fight shrek. i dont remember what that monster was i always called that fight the shrek encounter. then the hall w that#pirate dude!! then the tundra!! oh big j... then its MEAT ROOM TIME!!! and then DESERT ROOM!!!!! at 2:02 is when they start attacking each#other in the desert room :3 then its the center with drey!!! and then theres a quieter slow part. thats where nfw goes.#the song actually ends there but i looped part of it so it gets loud again :3 thats where the running away happens!! and then as it fades#out again thats where theyre safe on the ship and jay screams at her dad even though hes too far away to hear it and shes all like 'IM GONN#BE THE BEST GODDAMN PIRATE YOUVE EVER SEEN!!' and chip goes 'i dont doubt it sureshot :]' CRIESSS anyways then very quietly as the audio al#fades out gill goes 'im glad you got to shoot me' and jay goes 'me too lol' and that is where we end the animatic 👍#its like 4 1/2 minutes long pray for me guys
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theriverdalereviewer · 2 years ago
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just remembered how in the sixth grade there was a fucking riot in the cafeteria that ended in the entire grade getting silent lunch for like 3 months
#I think it was 3 months but it felt a lot longer. my god middle school was the school to prison pipeline at its finest#on one hand I think its unfair that we were all punished but to be fair the entire grade participated in this riot. I don't even remember#what we were rioting? I just remember a girl named whitney was involved and 1 thing led to another and whitney ran out of the cafeteria#and THE ENTIRE GRADE WENT AFTER HER 😭. myself included I didn’t even know why either but WE WERE AFTER THAT BITCH 😭#it was so bad I remember everyone was heading one direction and then everyone started running back the other direction.#and I got knocked down in the process looking back this was really dangerous. but after that we got silent lunch for what felt like forever#like not only were we forced to sit with our homerooms (and some us didn’t even like our homeroom) but we couldn’t even talk to each other#which is honestly not good for socialization?? but again I can’t entirely blame them cause the situation was out of control.#but also shouldn’t the adults have had that thing under control??? anyways the person who ran silent lunch was the vice tyrant dr levine#he fucking hated us like that man was PISSED OFF and he made it clear cause if you made a sound during silent lunch#that man was gonna threaten you with detention extended detention ISS (aka in school suspension)#he didn’t even mean it but it was pretty good for instilling fear in us good kids. but one time I remember there was a kid who didn’t buy i#he didn’t give into levine’s fear tactic and levine started yelling “ISS!! OSS!! EXPULSION!!!!!” like calm down#I feel bad thinking about how so many kids who would ACCIDENTALLY make a sound were punished. and they were so damn terrified#cause it was like you were on your best behavior all of the time and then one noise and suddenly you had an out of school suspension#one time a boy named jc’s phone went off and he picked it up and it was his grandma asking him if he wanted ice cream 😭 no fucks given#and levine was screaming at him to hang up the phone and jc was like “this is my grandmother I can’t hang up"#and there came a time where we were finally off the hook and I just remember people in the cafeteria were clapping 😭#like this was school sanctioned oppression and we were finally liberated... but then we were back to silent lunch and I don’t even know why#I remember once even I ended up in Levine’s office but I dont think its cause I was talking during silent lunch??#I think it had something to do with bullying idk?? I just remember levine had my back during it and made the other kid cry and apologize#so shout out to levine. always good times goodbye!
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uchiha-gaeshi · 11 days ago
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Issues with Writing a Self-Insert #1
In case y'all didn't know, I've been going through a reflective period recently, and I've noticed that fear of what others think has held me back in almost every single aspect of my life, and unfortunately fandom is no exception.
I remember when I was like 14 and I tried to write fanfiction for the first time (I don't remember even what fandom I was writing for). Unfortunately, I could barely type a single paragraph without immediately deleting all that I wrote and being overly critical of my lack of writing ability. Even at that age, in the privacy of my dorm room, I couldn't shake off the fear of failure (and I mean howw?? I wasn't the only 14 year old trying to write Wattpad fanfiction). I remember comparing myself to some of my peers who had an amazing talent for writing. For me, I didn't get jealous, but rather I got intimidated, so intimidated that instead of continuing on with something and being imperfect at it, I'd just drop the entire activity altogether.
Because of this habit, I missed out on a lot of potential opportunities for growth during this time. I guess I saw people who were amazing, assumed that they popped out of the womb like that or something, and just....gave up. If I could go back in time, I would tell young me to embrace the cringe, embrace the mess. So what if people laugh or look at you funny or immediately stop whispering to each other once they see you? It sucks, but you will find your people, and you will survive. Trying to be palatable to everyone just means that you stifle yourself.
Years later, I wanted to get back into fanfiction, but this time with very little creative writing experience. What held me back was the fear that someone would read something that I wrote and ridicule it for being something that only an angsty teen would write, except that I am no longer an angsty teen but an unfortunately angsty adult riddled with insecurity, and that reality would just make that hypothetical comment sting even more (that's another thing about me. I create hypothetical ways for people to roast me in order to talk myself out of doing stuff).
#getting involved in fandom has helped me in some ways overcome this fear by helping me embrace certain aspects of myself that I was previous#fortunately i did start to make strides against this before covid hit.#joining a beginner friendly dance team my freshman year really helped (unfortunately i had to stop since i think it conflicted with my job)#more advice for my younger self:#if you can't click with the people in your dorm literally just hang with the kids you know from anime club and robotics club more#also stay in touch with your friends from home! it will help you keep perspective on what normal teens get up to. and hang out with them mo#listen to your parents less. yeah you heard me. “children obey your parents” but maybe seek out more mentor figures who don't make you feel#so bad about yourself to the point of questioning your social skills. your social skills are fine! yes you're cringe at times but you#literally can't even drive legally yet. relax. yes you're allowed to relax even if you got a C (yes yes I know it's bad “it's not even a B”#on that test. in fact try intentionally having fun with cool people and see how your life improves#cooping up in your room to do The Thing is counterproductive#be. less. hard. on. yourself. “but Sarah can fence and can play 3 instruments”. i don't care.#elaine just chills with her friends and can't run to save her life. should she be hard on herself? no? then the same applies to you#you aren't incapable you just suck at time management. that's because you have adhd. yes you. it's not just the yt boy in elementary school#who threw things at people#that doesn't mean that you suck. there are ways to manage it. bullying yourself into being productive has not helped one bit#remember your childhood friend who is literally on the same campus as you but you somehow never see her? hang out with her more#matter of fact spend specifically the summer of 2018 at her house. it's fine y'all haven't drifted apart at all and you used to hog her#brother's ps3 to play ultimate ninja storm when you were 8.#if you mess up something it's fine. learn and keep moving forward#buy less takeout and spend more on clothes. i know you don't like the dining hall food but just buy laoganma or take shiitor from home#and slather it on everything. i know you're already doing that with sweet soy sauce. at least with shiitor you're adding protein#get someone to cut your hair you look better with shorter hair and we both know it. let mum seethe and cry that you're being “rebellious”#she's been saying that since you were like 10. also it would make taking care of your hair *so* much easier and less stressful#you don't need long hair to prove a point. actually the shorter hair will give you more gender euphoria#your hair needs more tlc that looser curls but c'mon you don't need *all* that product#learn to do fancy styles from the girls who can braid but let's be real you don't wanna spend more than 5 minutes on your hair in the morni#you literally go to school in new england be even more queer. queer-er than that. you don't need to be a “good queer”#also be more assertive about your pronouns. even with authority figures#uchiha-gaeshi ramblings
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nexus-nebulae · 3 months ago
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now that we're looking into our body past and finding way more signs that we've been plural for god knows how long, we've been leaning into more of the things we used to do very naturally to express our plurality and it's been kinda fun
#like how we used to have so many imaginary friends that lasted for far far longer than a kid should have imaginary friends#like. at least up to middle school#so when we were 12 or 13#and even when the imaginary friend aspect faded (and became a paracosm) we'd still stick to the same habits#of talking to them and not feeling like *i* was controlling what they were saying#and having them run around near us and interact with the environment like running alongside a car#we still do that a lot with imagining dragons flying alongside the car#and we've started to apply that to our sys now and it feels really natural and fun#we want to try and engage with some of our wayyyy older interests to see if maybe our 'imaginary friends' of them#could possibly be headmates we didn't register as headmates back then#the big evidence for those not being imaginary friends that we have is like. we didn't always Choose who we included in our cast#it was multiple different fictional characters from shows we liked and we didn't. pick which characters we got#bc the two main things we remember from back then#is 1: Matt got his arm broken at one point and it DIDN'T HEAL for 3 months and none of us knew why#like i was genuinely upset over the fact that i couldn't imagine it away i was so convinced i should be able to do that but i couldn't#and also 2: Matt missed his source friends but i couldn't ever get them to show up as imaginary friends#OH also 3: multiple times i tried to go 'i don't need imaginary friends anymore. goodbye' and they wouldn't fucking leave#and all this just. feels like how our sys works now#down to the 'i don't want you to be here. goodbye' (she's still there 4 years later) (very sorry hope we were just scared)#(we were like NOT AN INTROJECT OF *HER* and attempted to will her to become someone else but instead we just got one of each)#(we've learned to stop doing that now)
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sunni-stuff · 3 months ago
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Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 This is part 4 Part 5
His question hit like a punch, and the pressure of it lingered in the air, heavy and suffocating. Armed Forces Day? Three years ago? A sharp jolt of recognition hit you, though the details of that night remained fuzzy. The memories were there, but they felt distant—like something you hadn't allowed yourself to fully remember after becoming a mother. 
You steadied yourself, trying to mask the unease rising in your chest. “What are you talking about?” you tried to sound steady but the tightening grip on your purse betrayed the rush of nerves running through you.
Simon shifted, his broad frame nearly eclipsing the dim light of the bar. His jaw tightened, and for a moment, he seemed to wrestle in his own head, as though each word carried a burden too heavy to bear. “There was a night,” he began, his tone low and rough, every syllable deliberate. “Here. Three years ago. You were here. So was I.”
Your heart skipped, a wave of realization hitting with an almost physical force. The hazy recollections of that night flooded back, slowly accumulating together—laughter, drinks, an unexpected connection. Something that hadn’t felt planned but had burned far too bright to ignore.
The knot in your stomach twisted painfully, every part of you urging you to push it away, but the truth had already begun to sink in. “You’re…” The words stalled in your throat, heavy and lodged, the sentence unfinished as the reality stung like an accusation between you.
Simon exhaled sharply, part sigh, part laugh—but there was no humor in it. His gaze locked onto yours with unsettling intensity, and for a moment, it felt like he was waiting for you to break. “Yeah,” he replied simply, the word thick with certainty. “And she’s mine, isn’t she?”
A cold shiver ran down your spine, your body instinctively stiffening. The truth strung in the silence between you both, too glaring to avoid. Heart racing, every sense screamed to deny it, to distance yourself from this conversation before it spiraled out of control. But anything that could be said felt wrong, heavy on your tongue as you forced them out: “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Simon’s eyes held yours, filled with something you hadn’t seen before—a desperation that cut through his usually composed demeanor. “Please,” he urged, the plea more potent. “Just tell me.”
How could this be happening? How could something so raw, so unspoken, suddenly spill into the air between the two of you? The weight of the moment anchored you, and for a moment, you couldn’t find a way to move past it. 
“She is,” you muttered at last, the confession slipping out like an unwanted secret. Fingers clenched tightly against the table’s edge, grounding yourself against the suffocating reality pressing in. “I never thought… never thought you'd come back into the picture.”
A brief silence stretched out before you spoke again, everything tumbling out in a rush. "I didn’t even know your name. All I recall was you kept making me." The admission hung in the air, lighter than it was, an attempt to lighten everything you didn’t want to say. 
The memory refused to stay buried. His face from that night, the intensity of his stare under the bar’s muted glow, how his presence seemed magnetic and overwhelming all at once—it all surfaced, unbidden. The connection had been undeniable, but that was your secret to carry. He didn’t need to know the details you still clung to.. 
“I don’t even know how it happened,” The sentence barely made it past your lips. “We used protection.” Doubt crept into your mind, unraveling the careful narrative you’d built for yourself. Did we? The past, fogged by alcohol and blurred moments, refused to come into focus.
Simon blinked, the blankness in his expression giving way to confusion, then disbelief. “Did we?” he asked with an edge of uncertainty. He was searching for answers neither of you seemed able to provide. Silence filled the space between you, heavy with unspoken questions.
"That parts a bit fuzzy," you admitted quietly, thoughts drifting away, the edges of the remembrance blurring with every passing second. “And clearly we didn't given our current situation.” 
Meeting his gaze, you knew this was the man from that fortunate night. Only different. More mature as if life hadn’t been kind to him. “All I know is… I woke up, and it was just me.” The recollection hung heavier than expected, twisting in your chest. "I never imagined I’d run into you again."
A heavy silence settled between the two of you, the gravity of everything left unsaid pressing down on the air. Neither of you knew how to move forward, or even if moving forward was possible.
“I knew she was mine,” Simon muttered, his hand clenching into a fist at his side. He looked like he was trying to hold something back, fighting against his own emotions threatening to break free.
You blinked in disbelief, the reality of his revelation settling in like ice in your veins. “You saw her?” The shock was evident. The idea that he had been so close—watching, perhaps even knowing—yet remained silent was almost too much to process.
Simon nodded, his gaze never meeting yours as he began. “Last month. When you were leaving the café with her. Johnny stopped you, and I was there.” He hesitated, swallowing hard as if the bulk of it all was pressing on him. “Johnny and the lads, they were the first to say they saw a little girl with my face. I was skeptical at first But then… then I saw the two of you together. And I saw it. Saw me in her. I had no idea she was even a possibility. Or that you were, for that matter."
Your breath hitched, a sharp sting rising in your chest. The anger that had been simmering beneath the surface, the hurt, and the confusion all collided in one sudden wave. “Why didn’t you say anything?” The question shot out before you could stop it, the accusation sharp and loaded with all the frustration. He had been so close. Watching. Why didn’t he speak up?
Simon paused, his gaze dropping to his hands, fingers flexing as if he were trying to grasp for something he couldn’t hold. The silence stretched long between you, the tension palpable, as if the room itself was holding its breath. He wanted to say something, anything, but nothing came. 
“I…” He started, staring at his hands as though they might hold the answer. “I’m not good with things like this, love.” He rubbed the back of his neck, having a hard time fully expressing how he felt but this moment needed authenticity. “I needed time to figure out if I could step into a life that was already doing fine without me. I was afraid of complicating things, of ruining something that was just fine without me."
You didn’t expect what he said to hit you so hard. The impact of his confession—that he had stayed away because he wasn’t sure if he was fit to be a part of your life, Adira’s life—settled deep within you, heavier than you could have imagined. You’d been fine, hadn’t you? Raising Adira, carving out a life on your own. But there's always been that lingering voice in the back of your mind, that small, quiet thought of “what if?” What if things had been different? What if he had been there from the start? Maybe you wouldn’t have had to quit those overpriced mommy-and-me classes because of those judgmental women who gossiped behind your back. Maybe things would’ve been easier.
“I wasn’t about to just waltz in, love,” Simon’s voice softened, more vulnerable now, like he was carefully weighing his thoughts. “I needed to know if you’d even want me here. You and her…” His gaze darkened for a moment, his voice trailing off as though unable to bear too much out in the open. “I wasn’t sure if I was the right person to step into something already so… perfect.”
In those words, there was something you hadn’t expected to hear from him: honesty. He was afraid. Afraid of being the one to ruin what you had built. Afraid of not being enough for you or for Adira.
“I guess I understand,” you said quietly. "I just wish you showed up sooner."
Simon didn’t answer right away. Something within him flickered with guilt, and for a moment, you both stood there in silence. He glanced down at his hands, fingers twitching like he wanted to reach out, but wasn’t sure if he had the right to.
"Can I meet her?" Simon asked nervously, a grown man fidgeting in his seat, the weight of his request sinking in.
"Now?" You chuckled, trying to brighten the moment. "It's late. I'm sure she's already asleep."
Simon’s gaze flickered with hesitation, but the desire was clear. He was barely holding it together, as if afraid that the chance to meet his daughter would slip away if he didn’t ask now. 
"I understand," he mumbles after a pause, almost to himself, but there was a longing there you couldn’t ignore. "I just…I need to see her. To know her. Even if just for a moment."
The magnitude of the situation pressed down on you again, this wasn’t something you had expected when you woke up this morning. You had no clue what to do with all of this, with him, with Adira’s future—your future. But still, you could hear his sincerity.
"Tomorrow," You decided. "We can meet up tomorrow, but it has to be on her terms. She's not exactly the warmest with new people."
Simon nodded, his expression a mix of relief and determination. "I can wait."
You gave him a small smile, a silent acknowledgment of the moment. There was still so much to figure out, but at least now, for the first time, there was a possibility. A chance to rebuild what had been lost. "Bring toys," you suggested sincerely, thinking about what would make her happy. "She likes trains. Doesn’t need to be anything cartoon-ish, just a proper train."
Simon blinked, a touch of confusion in his gaze. "She doesn't like dolls? Like most girls?" His tone had a hint of disbelief, as though he couldn’t quite picture a little girl who wasn’t into the typical, pink frilly things.
The thought of dolls made your stomach tighten, and you shook your head vehemently, as if to expel the very idea. "God, no," you replied, unease creeping into the conversation. "Please, don’t bring dolls. That’s the last thing I want." You shuddered as you spoke, recalling all the unnerving memories. "She gets all Sid from Toy Story with them."
Simon’s brow furrowed even deeper, clearly unsure. "What does that mean?"
You visibly grimaced, the image flashing vividly in your mind. "It means I wake up to doll heads scattered all over the place," you say, your voice low and serious. "And it's... creepy. Like she's planning something with them. It’s like waking up in a horror movie."
Simon chuckled at first, but as he saw the unflinching seriousness in your expression, his laughter quickly turned uncertain. His grin faded, and the unease that filled his eyes told you that he was realizing this wasn’t some joke. "You’re messing with me, right?"
Your stare at him, completely deadpan. "I wish I was."
For a moment, Simon just stared, taking in your unwavering expression. His lips parted, a nervous laugh escaping him as he absorbed warning. "Alright," he said slowly, now understanding your cautious warning. "No dolls. Trains. Got it."
You gave a relieved sigh, feeling the baggage lift off your shoulders. The tension hadn’t fully gone, but for now, at least the toy issue was settled. There were plenty of bigger things to confront later, but this? This was a small victory.
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This one is a little shorter than the rest, simply because I want the meet up chapter to be really long for yall! :3
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