#<- thats how i feel about dream and the 3 and 3/4ths years he was faceless

[dwtpsychward]

https://x.com/deerstexting/status/1859734820110336255?t=9bnyPfvkXk2TWaFV2snX-Q&s=19

https://x.com/deerstexting/status/1858148326434115925?t=9bnyPfvkXk2TWaFV2snX-Q&s=19

these r actually dream

my baby 😞

[actualbird]

4th anniversary card spoilers - I have so many questions and thoughts

- is the luke praying card set in a dream? Everything is floating which I find interesting (I wonder if it will be a flashback to when he got his diagnosis or something)

- there seems to be significance with the key. Luke never takes it off and now hes holding it in his hands. Maybe this is symbolism of accepting the past (and freeing himself from the “burden” aka the heavy metal key around his neck) and letting go. I’m sure he’ll still wear the key if this is true but I think symbolically freeing himself from his past trauma is nice

- obviously we don’t know the story BUT the last time luke and mc were in an aquarium it was to cure mc’s insomnia and a lot the story was alluding to Luke’s past. There was also a moment where luke is curled up in the corner when mc wakes up and it’s never really touched on after luke tells mc he’s fine. So maybe they go to the aquarium as part of the “freeing oneself from burdens” thing or to help luke if he’s not well physically/mentally. I hope he sees the jellyfish again and instead of being sad about their lifespan feels happier that they can live in the present (he literally talked about not dwelling on the past and living in the present in third anniversary and I was like “wow luke this is amazing growth!!!”

- if there’s a fight or conflict between luke and mc I hope they work through it together rather than luke leaving (as in what he did 1st anniversary). Because then it symbolises the growth and is really nice for him story wise. I’m down to see Aaron involved doing his “not a step dad but the dad that stepped up” stuff too!!!

- where is peanut!!!!!

- finally it’s not quite related to the anniversary but I’m still kind of sad they never really did much with the terminal illness/3 years part of luke that was so integral to him before mc and luke were dating. It looks like we’ll get it again but I hope they at least make it clear by saying “hey he IS ill but it isn’t terminal” because not only is this more realistic but we really don’t get much chronically ill representation in media, specifically dating games. Like Luke’s representation stands for a lot and I think there’s so much that can be done if they keep his illness a central part of his character!! (Think: MC takes care of luke when there’s a flare up and hey, maybe it results in a date being cancelled but the moral of the story is that love and care are more important!! Or MC and Luke go to the hospital for his routine checkup and luke brags because his ecg score is amazing. Or even luke having anxiety and doubts regarding his illness and they talk it over)

Sorry this is so long I had to word vomit my thoughts but TL;DR I hope it has the initial angst followed by comfort. Like eating something spicy and having milk to soothe it

i think it either might be a dream or it might be some kind of artistic rendition of his experience!!! because artem has a similar vibe to the 1st cg of his card, he is in the OCEAN

ohhhh thats an interesting take on the key!!! personally i dont think it represents burden, i think it represents rosa and his feelings for her because she was the one who gave it to him

what i DO think represents his past trauma and baggage are his NSB dog tags though, and they seem to be a key part of the story (since it was shown in the pv and is even his event badge) so im excited to see

YESSSSS I TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOUR THOUGHTS ON THE AQUARIUM, i hope returning there shows how much luke has grown, that he sees the place with a renewed perspective on his life

i really hope theres a fight between (i just love it when they butt heads JKBLSKJFLD) them but yES that they tackle it in a more mature way. luke has come a long way from anniv 1. also super down to see aaron in this card, i love aaron, i will never be not happy to see aaron

and ABSOLUTELY yes about how his illness was kinda forgotten for a while. aside from main story (which is an alternate timeline) and ssr dream of benji, his illness was just.....not brought up. im glad theyre finally FIIINALLLYYY bringing it back to luke's route, and im also in agreement with hoping that his illness transitions from terminal to chronic. the representation would be wonderful and it would be very very interesting to see how he and mc tackle it and love each other through it. also, your scenarios for this are so wonderful ;-;

im hoping for a delicious hurt/comfort anniv 4 card!!!

[saihyou]

i did a top 10 sidem songs tag that i saw going around on twitter~ cant believe we're finally in our tenth anniversary year!!

meet the world

this song is really significant to me for a lot of reasons. as a kaigai P, world tre@sure was a super important time in sidem history where the gap was really bridged between the japanese fans and the rest of us. 4th live tre@sure gate was a must-attend for me because of this and it was my first time attending a imas live locally ever! i'll never forget the feeling of the lights dimming and meet the world beginning to play with every seiyuu's voice together in a huge powerful harmony. it was the first time id ever heard my 4 tantous voices in real life without a screen and thousands of miles between us and it was one of the most important moments of my life. i knew in that moment i could never miss another live again no matter how hard it is and how many hurdles i have to jump over to get to japan for the events. every time i travel again for imas, i listen to meet the world on repeat and think about how my passion for the idols can 空を海を夜を越えて <3

2. reason

reason is THE sidem song. every time i listen to it, the memories from the anime and lives and games all flood back to me. i've been a P since 2011 and AS has always been my home, and the reason i got into sidem at all is because i love AS and i've always felt that sidem and AS are the most connected and spiritually similar branches of imas. i always felt this way, so when sideani was released and we heard the full version of reason for the first time and realized that it was a love song to all of imas and everything that came before sidem... wow. im still so grateful to this day. and not only that, but AS themselves performing reason at moiw last year.... 😭 ill never be the same....

3. platinum mask

platinum mask!!! PLATINUM MASK!!! beits long awaited growing signal song. the memories attached to this song are so incredible. being in tokyo when the platinum mask event was announced, getting to experience platinum mask in full for the first time by hearing it performed live by all of beit at yokoari in that same week, platinum mask's cd releasing the week of moiw, platinum mask having the honor of being performed at moiw, and platinum mask being the song we got to finally see animated by sublimation for beits 3d mv. this song has given beit so many opportunities and been used to promote beit in ways id never even dreamed of before as their producer. not to mention the beautiful grand, royal aesthetic is something ive been waiting for my tantous to get forever, along with the lyrics perfectly fitting beits themes of secrecy and gaining/losing power.... this is truly the perfect song in every way.

4. hyper believer

i have so much to say about this song its unreal but ill try and keep it condensed. hyper believer was part of the first cd in the huuugely important and long awaited 49 elements series. there were 5 years in between shikis first solo and second solo, and much like the rest of the songs in 49ele, the jump in quality and huge level up for the idol is super tangible. hyper believer is shikis love song to highxjoker, to his friends his family producer the rest of 315pro, to life itself. it's about being self aware that hes in the awkward, incomplete period of his teenage years but going through every day knowing its temporary and fleeting so enjoying it anyway. every lyric is perfect and i still cant believe shiki got a song like this that takes him as a character so seriously. i havent felt so emotionally impacted by a song since chihaya's saihyou.

i love shiki more than anything in the entire world and i want to spend the rest of my life producing him. thats why when april 4th 2023 happened, it became impossible to listen to this song. theres a line in hyper believer that goes "millions of failures, successes, and brilliance are waiting for me" and i became unable to even face shiki when, in the real world, it seemed like there was no future waiting for him at all. all i could feel was my regret, my shock, my failure as a producer, my anger towards the situation sidem was put in. i carried these heavy feelings with me for months and didnt listen to the song for almost a year. until 8th live.

i attended sidem's 8th live at k-arena with nervous apprehension, careful excitement. very guarded. 2023 was the worst year of my life because of sidem, but also the best because of sidem. the idea of this being the final live and the end of the roadmap made me sick to my stomach and i sat in my seat on level-5 on day 2 with the idea that it could be the last time, ever. however, after a perfect baton touch from chibasho, nogamin came out on stage and performed hyper believer. "with tears in my eyes, i know i cant let this end". i was blown away. every single line hit me like a truck, only amplified by how long itd been since i heard them. after it was over, i was so stunned i didnt even register different songs had begun to play until 2-3 songs later. with that one song, every worry that clouded my life since april was blown away and my love for imas that had dropped to a 10% raised back up to 100%. along with platinum mask's b-side being performed, go for it, the surprise appearance of rairai meishi, and all the announcements afterwards that proved that sidem not only wasnt stopping any time soon, but revving up more than ever for the 10th anniversary made hachisu my favorite live of all time. i felt like everything id worked up to actually meant something and now i can face shiki with more love than ever because of this song.

thank you shiki, thank you nogami-san.

5. go for it

everything about go for it is very quintessentially "sidem" to me. being able to see minori as the center for such a fun shuffle unit is so precious. the unit originating in moba and then getting a song together through saisuta feels like staff very carefully considered how to bridge the gaps between both worlds and im very grateful for how much care was put into creating this project for them. not only that, but the lyrics are so fun and positive in a very sidem way and im so happy our oldest idols could sing this together since the age range of the idols being so wide is another charm point of sidem.

i also really love how sidem-like the music itself is too. sidem music is inherently instantly recognizable among other imas music because its men singing, but i think its really commendable that even if the vocals were muted, most people could still probably tell this was a sidem song. i also love love love how the music is ... tastefully dated? it matches the silly goofy aesthetic of over30 so much. its so playful. i love this song so much

i really hope i can own a proper go for it cd one day..... :(

6. summertime graffiti

not only do i think this is just a really really fun, catchy song that everybody should listen to, but this is the song that all 4 of my tantou sing together... <3 having tantou in different units means i dont get to see them together that often, and although theres 全体曲 and other songs like 315 steelo and welcome to japan that feature a mix of my 4 tantou, but this is the only song with kyoji pierre minori AND shiki singing together. beit and highxjoker combined with the energy and cuteness that yusuke and kyosuke add makes this the perfect song that i cant help but smile while listening to! hearing it performed at masters of idol world last year was so incredible i still cant believe it actually happened.... :'D

7. sunset colors

sideani 315. thats all i can really say. highxjokers songs are usually more idol-like in line distrubition and style than band-like, but for the anime they went full in on highxjoker being a band and it was so beautiful. shikis lead vocals throughout the entire song with everyone else backing him up feels like the most true to form highxjoker song ever. an entire episode of sideani being dedicated to this story and the build up to jun yelling out shikis name during the role call.... ;---; not to mention highxjokers seiyuu learning their characters instruments to perform it at 3/4 legs of the 3rd live tour... its such a huge honor to have my idol be the center of such an important song.

8. red hot beat

another song i just simply love to listen to and makes me really happy. super upbeat and high energy, perfect for all the physical members ❤️ i really really really adore the line distrubition in this song. seeing all of the combinations is so fun and i really like how most of them pair the idols up with more unexpected duos, which makes it really fun. shiki and minori are my physical tantous, so getting to hear asselin and minoris duet followed by shiki and suzakus duet is just so fun!! those combinations could only happen in this song so i tresure them deeply. the lyrics are so adorable too... theyre filled with such a deep love/affection that only idols ive produced for 10 years now could sing, yknow? if that makes sense. this song and its lyrics can only work because the sidem idols have been active for such a long time. cries.

also, minori was the event sr for the red hot beat event in saisuta which i had a lot of fun running. i think i hit 500,000 points? it really was fun....

9. secret ornament

theres not really a super deep reason for choosing this, but i just really love this song. theres something so endlessly magical about getting to hear kyoji pierre and minoris voices harmonizing together. a more orchestral song like this that relies on their vocals more shows that off perfectly. the violin solo after minoris solo gives me goosebumps no matter how many times i listen to this song on repeat. i love them so much. i cant wait to hear this song live one day ;-;

10. voy@ger

this might be cheating but theres no way i couldnt include voy@ger. voy@ger is my favorite thing the idolmaster franchise has ever done. ever. i cant say it enough. every single part of it is perfect. absolutely perfect. ive talked about it so much and gone over every possible detail and frame and milisecond of the song so many times that i wont repeat it all here but i just want to mention specifically that...

obviously i love the choice of sidem idols that got to participate because kyoji got to take part in this project but because... well... for a long time the reason othermas Ps would give that they didnt want to hear our sidem idols perform with their girls is because their voices are too deep and they would sound weird or bad or disruptive to the girls. i really hate this. not only is this super disrespectful to the song writers and sound producers, but also for more importantly the idols and seiyuu, both male and female. for nanwara and poplinks tune and even cryst@loud later on, only the main trio idols were used, but they were the "obvious choices" and only drastars members sang with the girls. but voy@ger didnt go that route and used idols outside the main trios. and for sidem in my opinion it wouldve been really easy for them to just choose. like. idk. kanon saki pierre ie the idols with the highest pitched voices and thrown them in the group so they could sing on the same octave as the girls but they didnt do that at all. and thats my favorite thing about voy@ger. kyoji genbu chris are probably the 3 idols with the LOWEST voices in all of idolmaster and im so happy they were given that opportunity to prove the weirdos who hate sidem wrong. they killed it so hard. im so in love with every decision made about voy@ger i could literally talk about this forever but this is probably my time to wrap this post up....!!

thank you 酒カス☆ボンバイエ and 黒川 for organizing this project! its been so fun to read other Ps thoughts on so many different songs. i had a lot of fun filling out my own version ^^

[semi-imaginary-place]

just kidding, actual end of 13 sentinels

Gouto Renya finally: the dramatic irony of discussing nurse morimura's murder case with the actual killer. Hmm so baby chihiro has the memories of -2 loop morimura (not nurse morimura the previous one. God theres 4 of them now. -2 morimura/dream morimura, -1 morimura/current morimura, baby clone chihiro, and iori). Crossing from -1 to the current loop (0) were morimura, ida, and 4 others who had lost their bodies by the time gouto knew them. I know kisaragi and miura were 2, tamao makes 3, dont know who the 4th is. Or is he talking about 426? See this is the confusing thing, half the game is written like -2 morimura didn't die in -1 and i cannot tell what is going on like am i just getting something wrong. But then what was that whole death scene and then 16 year old ida meeting 16 year old morimura 16 year "in the past". Anyways in loop 0 according to tamaobot nurse morimura is in love with 426 and feels guilty for killing him. Baby chihiro though describes 436 as a good friend. In the sentinel 16 confession scene tomibot says it wasn't 426 that attacked them like ida told morimura, it was kaiju and the 4 (what 4?) of them were dead by the time they shifted, that's why their data was incomplete. Im still confused which morimura is which. Either way what i think the game is implying is that baby chihiro and nurse morimura had different sets of memories. 2188 ida says part of the final phase had been altered so that chihiro morimura's host (whats that?) would have a memory overwrite and this was done under izumi's id but from shinonome's story i know it was 2188 shinonone that altered the final phase to loop. So gouto thinks baby morimura is the morimura from 2188. Yeah watched a wish entrusted abd -2 morinura totally died to send ida from -1 to 0. And then in year 1 of loop 0 teen morimura doesnt recognize him so the only real explanation for -1 morimura in loop 0 having menories of shooting 426 izumi is if -2's memories were transplanted in -1/nurse morimura.

Oh hey this is during the final battle. Chihiro claims that gouto was in love with nurse morimura which is why he claimed she was mindhacked by 426 and why he restored chihiro's repressed memory, which he is unable to deny. Wow thats the 3rd parent child pair of 2188. Gouto and ogata, takamiya and minami, and morimura and okino. Is this entire story just renya playing detective and bullying a 4 yar old? Renya claims that 2188 prof morimura is trying to eliminate the clones and make sure the current world doesnt survive. Yeah was expecting clones. So the dna sampling of the 15 colony survivors must have happened after megumi's father brought her there and before sekigahara assassinates morimura on gouto's orders which sabotages lifesupport and leads to a shootout. Wow morimura was right sekigahara took the hit for nothing society's gone what use is money. The probes are carrying the dna of the 15 colony survivors? Theres thousands of probes infinitely replicating and repairing. Aww renya is a special boy his route gets yo be the answers route and the only one taking place during the final battle. Sector 4 mainframe?? Chihiro is shifting 1.2 mil ppl to 2025 but uh 2025 is a hellscape overridden with kaiju its not thaaat much safer. Also love how gouto isnt even the main character of his own route, this is chihiros story and he's just there.

Ogata kengo was morimura's backer who helped leak prototype nanomachines onto the blackmarket which started the nanomachine infections that wiped out humanity. 2188 gouto seems to imply this was done purposefully to force project arc as humanity's only chance at survival because project arc would be ogata's chance at living a second life after he died as an ai. Good good back to this renya says chihiro is trying to eliminate them, she never intended for this world to survive which is really interesting given how she (2188 chihiro) was the reason they (project arc) existed in the first place. Then there's how nurse morimura was the one backing operation aegis while prof baby chihiro is trying to prevent is and the severing of universal control so the 2 morimuras are directly opposed. I think at this point morimura chihiro is the main character given how some iteration of her is always the main plot driver. Prof chihiro claims she can rid the system of the d-code which calls the kaiju meaning operation aegis isn't necessary. What is space colonization but an alien invasion i think its a pretty accurate take and one not often seen in scifi. The game has been playing with the "what if we're the alien invaders" idea for a while now, in natsuno and others stories i rather like it. So chihiro stopped the command to produce more kaiju but cant do much about the commands already sent by d-code and the kaiju already made. Renya hypothesizes that chihiro's goal is to restart the world without d-code by having kaiju destroy all 5 sector mainframes. Operation aegis is an obstacle to this as sealing the terminals severs them from the mainframe and prevents further loops. Hmm ida also wanted to reset too bad he's dead. Renya says 2188 gouto chased 2188 prof morimura out of newman because she was a financial liability to shikishima that wanted to buy newman. Then morimura became the lead on project arc under chairman ogata kengo who was the father of nenji. Morimura created ai kengo after his death and current renya accuses her of letting the ai control her, that her whole plan was to resurrect herself and kengo and have them take over clones of chihiro and nenji once 18 (this would be impossible with the d-code in the loops so far as the attacks and resets happen at year/age 16). And then chihiro pulls a gun on renya for knowing too much what a cliffhanger to leave off on. Nurse morimura didnt recognize chihiro either so she never even tried to talk to her other clone or convince her to abandon operation aegis. Nurse morimura said that the facility and universal control were at it's limit and breaking down this doesnt seem to be a concern for little prof chihiro though so i wonder who is lying and who isnt and how much information do they both have?

Takatoshi: so i got killed by the android because i stood there like an idiot and like cant you detach the battery or something grab a screwdriver, or a crowbar. I feel unsafe. Actually, why not just close the doors. ... Why havent you gotten okino to teach you how to shift by now? Actually in the final battle why isnt okino plotting his own sentinel since he's compatible or is he an ai without a body now. Keitaro looks like a middle schooler lol 1 npc saying it i can write off but uts been like 2 or 3 now they all describe him as looking like a middle schooler. small king. That okino confession was genuine wasnt wow takatoshi messed up. Miurabot! Universal control isolated him, what does that mean. So okino is using sentinel 12 as like a link to sneak past universal control. Aaaaaaaarrrgghgdxcv it was the matrix! the 80% unknown processing power in the nanomachines was going towards creating a perceived reality. Its all a computer simulation! I guessed that too and tried to gaslight myself because i didn't like it. Wonder if that means the command ship is also a part of the simulated world wait but nurse morimura (?) said it was real. Actual matrix the growth pods are the real world and the simulated world is because the interlocutors are feeding them sensory data. The sectors have been reset who knows how many times by now, what happens to the bodies in the growth pods? Are they killed each loop?

Renya: final remembrance. Wannabe detective. Oh so thats the explanation for why 2188 izumi set up the memory transfer stuff. Izumi and morimura were set up in sector 1. The 2188 izumi and morimura were intimate as renya puts it. The bet! Finally! In exchange for not letting "aegis seal everything off" and leaving the terminals alone (which did they i thought in the final battle the terminals were being sealed?), chihiro wont sabotage the fight, Renya asks chihiro for the chance to prove themselves worthy of the struggles beyond the final phase. Oh i see all this time i thought the final battle was to enact operation aegis but they arent going for that, between 426 and and morimura getting rid of d-sode, and renya a 3rd option was created. Ida and prof morimura wanted to reset the world, nurse morimura wanted to give up on the sentinels and go with operation aegis. But the 3rd option created was to fight off the kaiju with the sentinels who could now upgrade and only close off the terminals necessary for defense but leave 1 open. I missed it what was the inaba miyuki plan? She was doing... Something. Hmm so in the end what saves them isnt any sort of plan but an emotional appeal.

3 terminals remaining, only 2 can be closed but 5 battles hmm. I wish the destruction scenes were included in the archive. Mainframe processing... "Big world saving program" What does that mean? Mystery files! What okino had miura spread around was the fix for sentinels infected with dd426 so they could be used again, the forced activation was probably a side effect then.

In attempt to modify the rules of the world 426 made dd-426 which can sever the d-code. Ida had shinonome infect the sentinels and pilots leading the the loss of 2064 and sentinels becoming inoperable. Between the loss of the sentinels and that the facility is breaking down along with sector 0 nurse morimura goes all in on operation aegis. 426 meanwhile finds an actual way to upgrade the sentinels and has megumi shoot the code patch with a "magic gun". Okino meanwhile has fixed the sentinels and has miura spreading the fix. Then baby prof morimura regains her memories kills nurse morimura and stops the d-code thus shutting down the signal for making more deimos and sending them to 1984.

Destruction: im going back to normal mode could stay on intense but really just want the story and dont feel like repeating battles for the s rank. instead of saying chos of time and ruined city or whatever cryptic nonsense they could have just said everyone will disappear permanently and you'll be stuck living the rest of your lives in a dead city.. ida would have made a much more compelling argument this way. Ah so miyuki's whole plan is break d-code interfering with universal control and have it recognize that the deimos are a problem that needs fixing. She's going to reopen the terminals aegis severed. So the battle and closing terminals was to buy time for the mainframe reformatting. Oh no the final boss is the timer, I've been playing aggressively this whole time (enemy cant hurt you if they're dead, which means i have no experience with defense. Life support processing at 75% what the hell are you doing?? Emergency escape preparations complete? Universal control suspended?? Interlocitor link disconnected!?! Did they break out of the matrix??

they broke out of the matrix! 426 izumi's plan was to get the mainframe to realize what was going on and start emergency escape procedures. Which explains how this juro knows but when did ei find out? This does all bring the interesting question of why bother fighting. Most of the 13 were fighting to protect the city and its people so what does it mean if none of it was real, or was it real even if they are data they were as human as the 15 and after all AI's can be uploaded onto people (probably? Assuming the sim science also works outside the sim). Or take nurse morimura who was wiling to abandon the city and 1.2 million ai people just to preserve the 15. That explains the 20 year lifespans of the sectors they're only suppose to exist for 20 years because the compatible are made aware of reality in year 18 and then receive 2 years training to live in the outside world. The emergency escape means this is happening 4 years early. Ok they are carrying more than the 15's dna because you need a lot more than that for a stable population. I wonder what made the 15 special, like yes they're clones of the last 15 survivors but everyone is going to be a clone why were they grown in the pods and not the other humans?

... you two have kids... *sigh* everyone gets paired up. Bj! In the end what were the logs he deleted himself for? there's a lot of stuff that ended up being important, since it was the 2188 logs i guess it was the truth of everything would have been nice to have that integrated into the final battle like actually see them use that info. Why is that the 2 most volatile couples have kids. So the tamao that they got out was the 1944 one. Tamao really was a dropped plot thread. also yeah tsukasa nonbinary af

[uniquejellyfishqueen]

The Lover House inside the snow globe which is surrounded by snowy trees in the night time, midnight I presume. The lover house has 9 rooms telling a different story within each room, the lover house could be a vault.

(Lavender Haze is also LH same as Lover House, and its also track 1 of Midnights 113 which was 7/9/2024 N1 Zurich. The surprise songs 1st letter of each song are SLAR -> side-looking airborne radar. An aircraft, or satellite-mounted imaging radar pointing perpendicular to the direction of the flight (hence side-looking)

L 12

H 8

Woods = trees = folklore and evermore (t+e+f = her brother does call her Teffy according to 73QWV.) *10/13/1992 Prince released his first album using a symbol rather than his name. It’s beautiful but sad. The industry made him into a symbol so if thats what you’re going to see and say then why would he ever say anything different. It was a traditional symbol that blended the female and the male symbols together… like unity in one, I love this so much. This album had 5 singles released for it, of those 5 2 were released on 11/17/1992. “7’ and “ Damn You”

*maybe she will change her name. Travis calls her Tay, so maybe Debut will be called “Tay” or maybe she will use a symbol? You never know.

*songs that mention “trees” in their lyrics include “The Best Day” “Out Of The Woods” “Happiness” “Christmas Tree Farm”

Are we out of the woods yet? (4th track of the 5th album)

4th album is Red. Inside the lover house in the red room she does sing the line about being jealous while her and her lover are on separate sides of the room. They are only together in private. Like this is her showing you the illicit affair and high infidelity she has talked about? ->The “Red Room” can also be a nod to Taylor’s connection to the 50 Shades of Gray franchise. “I Don’t Wanna Live Forever” was the lead single (12/9/2016) for the second installment 50 Shades Darker which released on 2/10/2017.

OOTW played 7x on the ET. 5/6/23, 11/11/23, 5/10/24, 6/23/24, 7/14/24, & 10/20/24, & 11/16/2024.

OOTW says “woods” 37x

ET #37 she played SS with Speak Now (3rd album 5th track) Dear John and Lover (7th album 18 track) Daylight -> 518 is the area code for northeastern part of New York State. serves cities in Albany and its neighboring suburbs, such as Plattsburgh and Lake Placid, and includes all or part of 17 counties in eastern upstate New York

“Looking at it now last December”(5th album) “I go back to December” (3rd album) (5+3=8) 2941?

-> -> -> when she goes back to December is that during August (4 month difference counting backward from December to August. m=13…) 4/13 N1/3 Tampa, FL show #8)

-> December to August (counting forward is 8 months) 8+4=12

Are we out of the woods yet? Who is WE? Her and her lover. Or her and the memories she has of this person and they only come out at night when she gives into the vices that she feels like she has to use to show who she really is? She said they are all bored waiting for trains that aren’t coming, and she also said how romantic it was to be stranded. Is she safe in hiding her truth? If she was a functioning alcoholic with a new aesthetic does this mean that the upside down yellow room signify where she would use the vices to help her play the game when she was actually fearless all along.

If it’s set at midnight in the snowglobe maybe they are twin flames that only meet in their dreams.

Also I want to point out that her sexuality is her sexuality but with that being said I just wanna say that during scenes with her lover in the Lover Video he is a black man, and that little girl reminds me of Gabby from Gabby’s Dollhouse (Char loves it!) and also the dollhouse reminds me of the lover house.. the red N for Netflix that folds down, kinda looks like a scarf. The Me! Music video reminded me so much of Hairspray which was set in the year 1962, which has the theme of acceptance and inclusion but also deals with racism and bias. This musical also had the themes of social activism and self-love. And the biggest theme of all is media bias. What a time to be alive, every afternoon when the clock strikes 4.. iykyk. All of these themes are applicable for today’s world and has been since Hairspray was released. Just because someone printed something in the news to make it look like a pretty headline does not mean the overall problem has gone away. Creating news headlines to induce fear does nothing but separate this country more and more when we need to be coming together most. We want to bitch and moan about pot holes and roads cracking, we can’t keep our people together how in the hell are we going to take care of our environment?

Is Taylor Swift about to be the new Corny Collins.. holy shit no she will be the Lynn Stone from Girls Just Want to Have Fun. I can see her now riding in on her pony. But that was Dance TV.. what are you guys up to?

The vault tracks are going to be fire because the fire was already burning but we definitely didn’t start it but I think someone knows a fireman.

*The Spotify canvas for False god has her climbing the pull down ladder that goes to the attic of the Lover House. Is this an interpretation that what she once believed to be heaven is actually hell?

[enderspawn]

dream smp asagao au, aka the very specific high school au

also aka the post thats very self indulgent for me and maybe 3 other people.

in short: its a dsmp high school au based on the game asagao academy, where everyone is part of a gaming club and compete against one another in tournaments. more in depth info about the AU/Asagao itself, as well as more info about the plot and roles of the AU itself.

Asagao Academy Basics

So to start, let’s cover the basics: what is Asagao Academy. ….well, an old Youtuber dating sim game (which, despite unfortunately including some fairly questionable CCs, IS still really good and well written and I recommend it) But what is it for AU purposes?

Asagao Academy is a highly elite world-wide boarding school set in Japan for those who are either rich enough to afford it, or those skilled enough to get scholarships. Within the game, there are two main clubs: Normal Boots and Hidden Block. They’re both gaming clubs, and joining is seen as super exclusive since they’re ALSO the most popular people in the school.

The two clubs compete with each other in various tournament events with specific categories. For example: Satch (from NB) and Jimmy (from HB) both compete in the “Tech and Invention” category, where they have to create/invent something related to gaming and have it judged at the event like a science fair. Meanwhile, Jared (from NB) and Wallid (from HB) both compete in “Dance” aka DDR and the person with the highest score wins.

The other categories featured in game include: Puzzle games (like Bejeweled or Tetris), Video Game Trivia, Pinball, Retro Platformers, a three-person fighting game, and 100% completion speedruns. So tldr; the categories can be kind of fiddled with and be whatever you want them to be, because even the original ones are pretty wack.

Also, there’s no rules against competing in multiple categories— in fact, most of the HB members in game do! It’s more about balancing time and practicing for them alongside school and other activities.

The winner of the competition is the team/competitor(s) with the most total wins.

Another thing to note: despite competing as clubs, they’re all actually pretty good friends. It’s all lighthearted and fun in the end, hell the leader of the opposing club even helps the main character join the main club just because he wants a decent challenge.

Speaking of… the main character! Hana Mizuno! I don’t have any current plans to include her in this AU (a la new dating routes), but I wanted to mention her for a few reasons.

For the main reason: her hair. Even as soon as she shows up, Mai (her best friend and roommate, who can break the 4th wall) immediately calls her out for her hair for looking like a main character which as we learn… isn’t an exaggeration. She’s literally a born protagonist, thus being born with naturally pink hair and a tragic backstory. Not only that, but other people are also born protagonists with pink hair as well— she isn’t an exception.

About the AU -- Revolution Era

A few things to note: in this au, when I first drafted it I… wasn’t looking to include 20+ people. I cut a lot of characters, but instead working with the idea that they’re still THERE, they just… don’t compete? Either they aren’t in the club and are just friends with the members, or they’re members who just don’t compete professionally. It’s nothing personal against those CCs and tbh as times goes they may get added more, but for now they’re just in the BG vibin.

It covers a really basic retelling of s1 for most of the planned au. It starts with One Club: the Dream Team. Members include: Dream (sophomore), Sapnap (sophomore), George (junior), Wilbur (junior), Eret (junior), and Fundy (freshman).

For reasons, possibly just as a goof or spite towards their American counterparts, Wilbur declares independence from the Dream Team and makes his OWN gaming club: L’Manberg. He takes Eret (a close friend from his grade) and Fundy (the freshman he immediately adopted) with him, causing the two teams to be 3v3.

But Wilbur’s got a dastardly surprise up his sleeve: TOMMY, HIS YOUNGER BROTHER (bc I am nothing if not a dedicated crimebros stan), AND TUBBO. They’re both too young to actually attend Asagao yet, but theres no age rules in the actual competitions so its fair play. They’re Wilbur’s secret weapon. After all, a 5v3 where the team with the most wins wins the competition? That’s a massive advantage.

… we all know how this goes though don’t we. Wilbur’s day be so fine, then BOOM, Eret betrayal 😔

In this case Eret feels it’s a LITTLE unfair to blindside them like that, plus Dream promised to make him the Leader of the Dream Team and, yknow, that kind of stuff DOES look good on resumes, so…

TLDR; Eret rejoins the Dream Team crew, as well as informing them of Wilbur’s plan with including Tommy and Tubbo and becomes leader. They’re still letting Dream and Co. basically actually do the leading, they don’t care that much, the title is just nice. L’Manberg cusses her out and promises to hold a grudge, but it’s all in good fun. After all, they’re just teens goofing around and playing. The clubs are again 4v4.

Dream tells the L’Manberg club that they can separate, sure… under one condition. They have to win the competition. If they lose, they have to rejoin the Dream Team club.

L’Manberg accepts, but come competition day… they lose. Tommy outright challenges Dream post awards to a speedrun competition for L’Manberg instead. …which Dream professionally competes in, and Tommy DOESN’T.

He loses, but he puts up a good fight despite having little to no actual practice put in, so Dream “grants” L’Manberg their “Independence”. (In this au, instead of being like… weirdly obsessive over Tommy, it’s a lot more “he sees himself in Tommy and wants to support/mentor him” and a “friendly rivalry” kind of deal bc its a damn HIGH SCHOOL AU)

So L’Manberg can be it’s own club! …Next year, when Tommy and Tubbo actually attend, since Wilbur and Fundy aren’t allowed a two person club.

About the AU -- Election Era

SO time skip! Congrats, everything up to now has been BACKSTORY. It’s now the next school year, with two main clubs (I’ve tried to keep them fairly balanced, which is why not all CCs are featured, sorry!)

Dream Team club:

Dream - junior

George - senior

Sapnap - junior

Eret - senior

Punz - junior

BBH - senior

Awesamdude - junior

Ponk - junior

L’Manberg club:

Wilbur - senior

Tommy - freshman

Tubbo - freshman

Fundy - sophomore

Schlatt - senior

Quackity - junior

Niki - sophomore

Jack - sophomore

(Also fun fact! Their grades are loosely based on the CCs actual ages! …Except Fundy, who got Baby-fied to fit the “Wilbur’s Kid” joke, and Eret bc it fit better to be the same age as Wilbur I thought. Oops HEKANDNSN)

So, for whatever Reason (listen this was an au I made in like one night when plagued with brainrot, it’s not all figured out), L’Manberg holds an election. Maybe it’s related to Wilbur wanting L’Manberg to be meaningfully different from Dream Team, maybe it’s a joke, idk!

…. SOMEHOW, Schlatt wins. Which ticks off Wilbur a lot. It’s his damn club, and the whole point was to avoid Americans, tf?? The two start to feud a lot and it threatens to split the club entirely via ppl taking sides. Worse, it means people aren’t practicing for the competition.

All while this is happening, there’s a new intrigue building. Dream catches word of an infamous player in the area, someone known to win entire competitions against teams of people all by HIMSELF. A man with bright bubblegum pink hair called Technoblade. That’s right, literal universe-assigned protagonist Techno. If Dream could enlist him, there’s no doubt in hell they’d be able to beat L’Manberg.

L’Manberg hears of him too and works to try and enlist him as well, so he basically gets courted by both clubs trying to get him to play for them to mixed results. He’s pretty chill vibin by himself, so what’s in it for him? (….I don’t know, remember how this is a WIP au I worked on once?)

Eventually, a teacher named Phil (who’s been the honorary sponsor of the L’Manberg club) gets pissed at Schlatt and Wilbur’s fighting and bans both from competing (aka this AUs version of them dying). Which fucking SUCKS for L’Manberg. They’re now going 6v8 with a wildcard player who’s undeclared on which side he’ll join, if at all.

… honestly, that’s as far as I got. Theoretically, Techno joins L’Manberg to reflect Pogtopia and they win. I never had plans to go into s2 due to its darker theme, but there are definitely changes that could (and might?) be made for the s1 plot just so it flows better.

I already had to shift Wil and Schkatt’s “deaths” to fit, unless I were to have them LITERALLY make a new club. Maybe Schlatt uses his power as Club President to make them work with Dream Team (to the point it basically merges the clubs). Sure, they might be guaranteed to win now but it removes the competition and fun as well as the spirit of OG L’Manberg. So then Wilbur rebels and makes his own club AGAIN, calling it Pogtopia with the intent to get L’Manberg back. Then Techno, intrigued with this group of like 2-3 ppl going against a team of like 13ish people, decides to join them. Idk! Alternative possible plot based more closely on s1 I guess!

I’m gonna add a list of characters in full with their age, their club, and what they compete in (if it’s already brainstormed, most ppl are unknown) below

Character List

dream (DT) - junior - speedrunning

george (DT) - senior - coding/tech and invention

sapnap (DT)- junior -

eret (DT) - senior -

wilbur (LM) - senior - rhythm game/guitar hero-esque

tommy (LM) - freshman - (possibly pick up speed running during election arc?)

tubbo (LM) - freshman - chess

fundy (LM) - sophomore - coding/tech and invention

schlatt (LM) - senior - he never actually declares what he plans to play and then gets banned anyway, aka no game kekw

quackity (LM)- junior - dance

niki (LM) - sophomore -

jack (LM) - sophomore-

punz (DT) - junior -

bbh (DT) - senior -

awesamdude (DT) - junior -

ponk (DT) - junior

technoblade (SOLO) - junior - multiple categories

FINAL BIT

here’s some scraps for ppl who know Asagao already as well as small bits I didn’t bother to write up any further

- Karl, much like Mai, is ALSO aware of the 4th wall and has time travel powers because of it.

- Purpled (undecided if he’s a solo player like Techno or has his own team he competes with that’s not a formal club) plays Literally Bedwars in competitions

- Callahan is the Dream Team club sponsor, Phil is L’Manberg’s club sponsor

- Karlnapity is real and canon bc I say so

- both for balance/laziness, every person only competes in one category. also bc it makes Techno that much more Protagonist-y that he does

- I made this AU in like February man idk I’m just vibin

- Fuck I never even included Ranboo huh

[absolutelyfizzing]

request guidelines!

hey there! you're thinking of sending in a request? great! i would love to hear it. but, let's double-check on a few things.

1) i will not write a non-platonic relationship with reader where anyone (even if it's both people) is under 16. if it's even remotely steamy then 18 or up is required. if it's vague (like they both went to xaviers school for the gifted) then I can probably just not think about it and assume they are or are close to of age but specifically young (like 4th year at Hogwarts) is a no go. varies case by case but general rule of thumb, wont write for very young characters.

2) i might not write what you request. it's not that its a bad idea, it's not personal. it's also not that i might not even write it eventually but i work whenever i can find the motivation. that sometimes means fulfilling requests and taking inspiration, it also sometimes means that i had a dream about remus lupin braiding my hair and now i have to write it so my brain will stop and no thought of any request even crosses my mind.

3) there are some characters that i won't write for or personality traits i might not write for because i have just no clue how to do it. super dominant personalities are awesome but i do NOT have one and i can try but there's a 85% chance that it will sound inauthentic coming from me when trying to write from reader pov. there are some characters that i am very not interested in and i just can't imagine writing for them. for example, bruce banner, peter hale, or castiel. i have no beef with them, I love them to death, just not my type. and i would be happy to post a character list if anyone wanted that.

4) when you request, there are some things that are important to mention! if you just have a vague suggestion ("can you write a sirius black x reader fluff") then that's great! but i will assume that i have free reign over the story, reader will have she/her pronouns, and it can be any personality or trope. if that isn't the case, please let me know! too specific is also something that can happen. if you write the story for me in the request then i might not feel like i should write it because you obviously have something very specific that you expect from me and that feels like a bit of pressure. i will write for any pronouns (though she/her or they/them is most easy for me i will def attempt to write he/him by specific request), i try to avoid body description (both in size and ethnicity), and i will take any request, i might just not write it.

5) there are some things i just don't enjoy writing. i probably wont write crossovers between universes (like between avengers and x men is pretty fine but not between avengers and spn). i dont know that i will ever write smut or post it. you can request it but it just maybe wont make it, i will alert y'all if this changes. i won't write for a POC!specific reader unless someone who is POC who wanted the request would give some input. i think thats the only way i would feel like i was adequately representing that person and otherwise, i might end up incorrectly writing something that could be tone-deaf coming from a white writer. some content is too triggering. im iffy on writing eating disorder stuff, domestic abuse, or sexual assault requests because they hit a little too close to home. they might happen organically from me, in fact I'm sure I will write that sort of stuff eventually, but requests might feel a little too real. and just because i dont happen to write what you request doesn't reflect badly on you, it just means i wasnt the right author for that idea at that time.

i would also be willing to write for AU's like soulmate!au, best friend!au, biker, mobster, etc. i have little experience in those things so I cannot guarantee quality but I would be happy to try!

if anyone would want me to post a prompt list then i would be happy to if it would make it easier for y'all or a character list to make it clear who I write for.

now ask away!

[vanityloves]

🎫 here's a gush pass! feel free to gush about whichever f/o you want, however much you want, then send this ask to 3 other selfshippers!

oh man, thank you jsjsj ive gotten a few of these but ive been too anxious to actually go off ab my f/o but, lets fucking gooooo!

can i talk ab the actual animation of the source material is that allowed?

they gave us this but we ended up with

WHICH LISTEN- I enjoy n love regardless. I just find the contrasts in phases fascinating and funny. I loved his appearance in phases 1 and 2; what a fucking iconic character design. The animation is so endearing and amazing- the thicker lines, the fluidity, the range. Like the first gif that shows the vibrations of the vehicle in his shoulders/shirt? The simplistic art style was nice and even if hes Hard On The Eyes, I'm like 🥴 ok ugly ❤.

Not like the newer mvs are any less quality content - its nice to see the use of thick and thinner lines and there's definitely a different feel to it - more child friendly or easy going? Idk how to explain it. Murdoc as a character is still very, Not Child Friendly, and Im always like :cursed emoji: when someone says that their 14 year old watches their videos like help, his dick is out in at least 3 dif vids (censored ofc but man).

They definitely lost me after the 4th phase though and many people argue that the band/music lost its meaning, which i can honestly agree with (esp when they didnt name officially name 4, 5 and 6. Im p sure ppl refer to 4 as We Are Still Humanz).

I was never an avid/active fan of keeping up with the characters and didnt really think they had any story anyways, i was like "feel good inc is sexy. melancholy hill's a banger" so honestly, finding out that these apes actually have lore was fun.

Murdoc being the given this tragic backstory made my eyes Zoom, and ofc I was like "oh youre funny looking and sad. I want you ♡." In a weird way, I take a lot of comfort that 'we both have shit parents' and 'no one really thought we'd amount to anything'. to be fair, i haven't accomplished anything yet, and even if hes a bunch of pixels who i know doesnt really exist, its kind of motivating bc he never gave up? A literal quote from him being "If there’s a dream in your heart, never let anyone tell you you’ve got no talent. Get out there, embarrass yourself, and prove to the world you’ve got no talent." With how many failures hes faced he never stopped trying to prove himself worthy of attention and fame and love, which is ambitious and kind of intimidating with how much confidnece he has.

Hes a complete bastard of a man and not even close to being a good person. He's definitely complicated but can be boiled down to "just an abusive asshole", which, hey, fair. I hate the way he treats 2D, its so toxic and terrible. Honestly, its inexcusable and he needs to apologize, grow and learn a LOT and god knows he needs therapy.

I think the most tragic thing ab his character is that he basically ended up like his father and to some extent, he acknowledges it. His bad habits and behaviors stem from abuse and neglect which doesnt excuse his actions but, "man hands on misery to man." I feel like theres a haunting part to his whole life - we don't know much about his mother and brother but from assuming things, I know they weren't innocent, clean, or soft spoken, let alone, kind. I think he has a "It runs in the family" mentality and gives into it bc there's no use in running from something so deeply engraved within him.

But as a man of contradiction, hes shown to care, despite "hating everything, including himself". To be short, his father was a failure and a man thats never worked for his own money, so he contradicts that and escapes that part of 'failure running in the family' by forming Gorillaz. I do think theres something way more ab his character in that regard. I think theres a lot that he needs to work on but he's escaped a part of that mindset, and his 'Plastic Beach'. I wonder what theyre gonna do with valley of the pagans thing.

I guess as a band, theyre not gonna show a lot of "behind the scenes" stuff like that. We wont know if he ever gets help, or apologizes, or even feels sorry - its up to us to decide which is a safe game to play on Their Behalf.

People are upset that hes actually cleaned up a bit and is shown to be nicer bc they miss having that disgusting, cruel man which again, I understand. He has always been the antagonist to the entire band. But as someone that likes to see people happier n mellow (or, boring) rather than doing shit and compensating for their depression, its nice to see that type of development (or downgrade, depending on how you see it).

This could be Their (read: jamie and damon) way of being lazy by making him 'mellow out w/ age' or whatever it is. It definitely seems to woobify his character and intentions but well, His Main Goal, Was To Blow Up. And Act Like He Dont Know Nobodaaayyy argargarg and guess what? He's already made it- he's successful, he's rich, he's famous, he's adored. Now what? Maybe this is just his way of taking it easy from here on out - who knows.

Gorillaz definitely took a turn after all the brand deals so it lost its meaning (since one of the phases had a 'fuck capitalism' message) and with that, Murdoc is no longer allowed to be the stank bitch hes was always meant to be, no more obvious sex and drugs, for the new gen 🥴 ironically a lot of songs 'today' are always complained ab being ab sex, drugs, and whatever, but they def needed to step on the breaks when Money/Companies got involved. So here we have The Wigglez 😌💕

ANYWAYS, I LOVE HIM LOTS, HAVING MANY THOUGHTS

[crowsent]

Tagged by: @willowaudreykeyes​

RULES: Answer these 20 questions and tag 20 other bloggers you want to get to know better IF YOU WANT TO

fair warning i came back from a really really fun night. its 8am and im still sleepy as shit so

1. Name: Salt, LOSAS, or Crownonumous. not my name technically but its what im called here

2. Nicknames: NaCl, Crow-senpai (by someone on ao3 and i want you to know random commenter that the nickname is a one-shot kill. i mcfucking lost my marbles when i read that)

3. Zodiac Sign: gemini

4. Height: 5"0 even

5. Languages: in order of proficiency; tagalog, english, japanese (cant read tho), castilian spanish, french (cant pronounce it for shit tho), several others im not fluent enough to mention 

6. Nationality: asian. specifically filipino-chinese 50-50

7. Favourite Season: winter. i live in texas so its hot as balls here. ill take whatever coldness i can get

8. Favourite Flower: tie between gumamelas and sampaguitas. dunno the english name for these

9. Favourite Scent: my father burns incense. the kind found in buddhist temples with a little smokey tang to it. its not smokey enough to trigger my panic response so im like it. also fond of the smell of tea, specifically jasmine

10. Favourite Colour: navy blue

11. Favourite Animal: fav is C. macrorhynchos but only by a margin bc A. hispida is a close second. honestly i think i only like C. macrorhynchos more is bc i used to see em a lot. they are adorable babies and im sad that there arent any in america. the closest animal i get here is C. brachyrhynchos which is similar, but not quite the same. i have never seen A. hispida in person but holy shit they are v beautiful

12. Favourite Fictional Character(s): cant do that. im a fickle and capricious bastard. i dont know

13. Coffee, tea, or hot chocolate: hot tea with 1 tsp of honey. we have actual tea leaves in a cannister to brew. i think the ones we have rn are oolong and two different kinds of green tea

14. Average Sleep Hours: if you mean “what time do you sleep” the answer is whenever my brain gets tired bc its a heartless bitch who has never heard of consistency. if you mean “how long do you sleep” the answer is anywhere from 2 hours to 37 hours. it depends. i can function with 2 hr sleep. i can also still feel tired after 37 hours. i dont want to do math so dunno what the “average” of that is

15. Dog or cat person: i like cats more, but ive only ever had dogs. if given the choice for a pet tho id go with a snake. thamnophis or lampropeltis probably. they are ADORABLE

16. Number of Blankets You Sleep With: i dont have a blanket. i have a bedsheet i use as a blanket. bc i overheat too much

17. Dream Trip: i dont like traveling much. i hate planes, and i hate airport security even more bc they take one look at my brown ass and decide to random check me every time and that kickstarts my anxiety something fierce. but like. i wouldnt say no to a trip to the zigong museum

18. Blog Established: for my main, it was late 2018. for my side mid 2019.

19. Followers: main and side have different follower counts so

20. Random Fact: i am a pathological liar. i cannot change this. feel free to ask me if im lying to you bc *i do not notice when i lie* and i will not be offended if you ask me if im bullshitting you but thats a well known fact about me so if you want something weirder and less-known, i took art as an elective in highschool.

my teacher during 3rd and 4th year of highschool was a really chill man and a great teacher who let me submit digital artwork if our assignment allowed it. one of the digital art i turned in was of 2 visibly feminine figures dancing. romantically. its a waltz. i drew two lesbians waltzing. teacher printed it out bc he was required to, and he returned it to me when the school year was done. we have that lesbian painting in our home. my mother hung that lesbian painting in our foyer. she said that they ‘seemed like good friends’ when she hung it up and i still havent recovered from that.

das it. im done. again, yaint obligated to do this if yall dont wan

@yalltookmyurlideas @elvis-has-been-dug @vicdehart @lastvalyrian @heyhelloitsk @terra-toma @omgsomeonesomewhereonearth @ollyollyoxinfree @power-in-plain-sight @starwarsdestroyedme @deceit-propaganda

[itchyboogers]

hello comrades

my name is grace. i'm gonna be honest right now, not sure exactly what this post is. just because i can't function without order, i'm gonna make a list of reasons why i'm sharing my story:

to spread awareness

because i need an outlet

many of my friends suggested i share this

simply to entertain whoever might take a look at it

just in case, because of my paranoia, i’m saying right now i don’t want any witch hunt. i feel like saying this is really reaching in terms of how many people are gonna read this, but my concern insists. this is gonna be a long article, so i’m putting the little “read more” thingamabob right here. 

trigger warning, for like, everything

about me; prologue?

as you saw above, my name is grace. i’m 19, and this is a very personal experience that i’ve gone through. first, let me introduce everything that’s wrong with me. i have high-functioning autism, and throughout my life my autism has been the root of my downfall. ever since 2nd grade i’ve gotten the short end of the stick. you always hear about prodigy kids whose grades and social lives falter as the years pass, i am 100% one of them. this story isn’t necessarily about me, but i’ve been through some shit, son. 

i have a family that is more supportive than i could ever ask for, i’m not gonna lie and say that my at-home life was miserable - because home was my safe place, and public school was where i fought my battles. i was a very eccentric kid and while my autism has limited me, it has also given me the ability to think outside of the box, blah blah blah so i’m grateful for it as well. 

by the time i got to 6th grade, things went way more south than i thought they could go. i was a bit of an edgelord back then so i was skipping 4th period with my friend in the locker room. we’re dicking around, looking in lockers, climbing the stalls, being stupid kids. somewhere along the line we jump into the topic of sexuality, and she tells me she thinks she might be bi. i said that wouldn’t change anything about us, and that i might not like boys at all. 

she told me about her parents not agreeing with the whole gay thing and she wasn’t even close to thinking of coming out of the closet because her parents would disown her. real fucked up, but it happened back then still quite frequently. i promised her i wouldn’t tell anybody and that i wouldn’t even think about outing her to anyone, and we gave each other a cute little friend hug, it was cute.

about 3 days later on the weekend, we’re texting and a small argument boils between us and another friend in a group chat. it starts to become a bigger argument, because kids are stupid and dramatic, and i definitely was. she ended up kicking me out of the group chat and i cried myself to sleep (i know lmao). i went to school on monday and i immediately get called into the principal’s office, regarding sexual assault claims. she lied and told the school faculty that i tried to touch her inappropriately during that time we skipped class in the locker room. she also got her friends to tell everybody.

long story short i became severely depressed, gained weight, got my head shoved in a toilet filled with piss by some 8th graders friends with that girl’s older sister, and started self-harming to suppress my urge to hurt other people. my meds got switched around (it’s why i gained weight) and i ended up switching schools because a public school had an IEP i think it was called? anyway

blah blah blah countless school stories and misfortunes blah blah blah crohn’s disease blah blah blah ambulance sent to the school all that jazz. it’s gonna hurt too much if i talk about PRLC, but basically there was a low-funded school for kids who wanted a second chance due to disability, drugs, ect. it was out at a wildlife preservation park with all sorts of animals, i met my best friends there, became the person i am today, ect. but staff changes ended up changing the school for the worse and eventually i got dismissed.

very long depression period, i got kicked out from the school i used to call a second home back in 2018 and this cycle hasn’t ended yet, to this day. i’m hoping writing this will give me some closure or something, because writing about my misfortunes online has sent me opportunities in the past. i am not a perfect person, i never have been, and i can still name many things about my psyche and outlook on life that i’d like to someday change.

the main course

this is where i start talking about somebody that i won’t mention by name, but i’ll call him music boy for convenience. in december of last year i got to see my favorite band live for the second time, the first being april of 2018. i love this band with all my heart, and i’m not going to mention them by name. but after the concert i was going through some heavy post-concert sadness, and i wanted to share my love and appreciation so i find a semi-active discord server dedicated to said band, and i join. i make some friends and acquaintances over a span of 2-3 months.

marijuana got legalized in my state this year, something i had been anticipating for a long time, ergo from january 2020 to the beginning of april 2020, i was in a constant state of stoned off my ass. nobody saw sober grace until the late days of april. i was not in any way able to make proper decisions regarding, say, a relationship. and it was really obvious that i was high, nobody would have thought otherwise.

after i get home from a birthday vacation to arizona on february 2nd, i start going in the voice chats for the server. i would say in the general chat something along the lines of “sick, i’m super baked i’m gonna go bother the voice chat” and i end up in a group chat consisting of most of the server members that are “of age” (so not too many). at this point i’m barely aware i’m making friends, but one person in the group i really happened to resonate with. her name is Christina, and she’s to this day my number 1 mom friend and goblin sibling. <3

i meet a handful of more people in the group chat (we called it the “after hours”) and we have a lot of fun doing different activities over discord. for example we all decided to sign up for club penguin online (which is now proven to be run by a predator, i believe) and we all battled each other in card-jitsu. or i would share my screen as i went on Omegle and did goofy high shit on there and met people under the “memes” or “weed” tags. 

in this after hours group chat, one of the active members was music boy. he was the owner of the server dedicated to the band i love. why music boy? because he wants desperately to become a famous musician. there’s something about music boy that’s... ‘different’. i don’t know if anyone knows what i mean when i say, his energy was awry. the best way to describe music boy is kind of mean, but it’s the only way i’m able to express how this guy is as a person. i can best describe him by saying he expects his life to play out as a WattPad fanfiction, him being the main character. 

just so you get the main point, this one time i was on Omegle dicking around ha ha funny random people, but music boy was silent. he then typed in the chat that he was gonna go on Omegle himself and do something painfully unfunny, he said he was gonna get his guitar and use that as a prop to “vibe check” people on the website. it wasn’t funny but everybody (me included) was sort of brainwashed into thinking he could do no wrong. don’t know how he got me to laugh at that, especially with his delivery of the joke. 

yet, he didn’t want to “vibe check” people, i know that now - he just couldn’t stand when he wasn’t the center of attention. so he left and told a mod, who was also in the group chat, to join the server voice chat with him. and he announced that he was streaming himself vibe checking people on Omegle. the iffy part about that is that the entire reason he made the after hours chat was to keep NSFW stuff off the server, and it was basically prompted by me streaming myself messing around on Omegle and seeing a lot of (pretty expected) male genitalia. i’m not gonna explain that any further because anybody with a brain can understand why that was a confusing move on his part.

eventually february 14th came by, and i, being as high as i was, decided to send music boy a bunch of goofy valentine’s day cards, like the ones that were popular in 2013. i kept sending them because at the time i thought it was so funny, and i’m a natural flirt when i’m stoned. keep in mind everybody knew they hadn’t seen me sober yet, the joke in the server was basically 'when is grace not high?’ so it was evident that my decision-making process was impaired.

for some reason music boy wanted us to all play DnD, even though half of us didn’t know or give a rat’s ass how to play. i would make stupid jokes, and everybody would laugh, but music boy would exaggerate, he would go ‘oh thats how it is? is that how this is going to be’ or some unfunny shit like that because he thought every single joke or reference that anyone made had something to do with him, because, you know, he is the main character, after all. he eventually made a really embarrassing big deal about him ‘accepting my valentine proposal’ and then he went to bed i guess.

the next day or two is a blur to me, all i remember and know is that Christina knew that he was taking advantage of me always being super high, but she didn’t want to assume anything. like she had always seen me make a joke and then would see music boy turn that joke sexual, even when it was nearly impossible to make a suggestive joke out of what i originally joked about, which to be honest was probably my flawless Sméagol impression. but he would repeat the Gollum voice and say something unfunny that we all laughed at.

basically, if you haven’t caught on, music boy is a major egotistical narcissist that cannot stand having somebody that isn’t him being paid attention to. he told me his “dream” (that's TOTALLY gonna come true, by the way) was to go to a concert of the band the server was dedicated to, but he would show up in a custom made shirt that said “[lead singer of band] IS A THOT” and then the band’s guitarist would point it out and laugh because it’s SO funny and then get the lead singer’s attention, who would pull music boy on stage and challenge him to pehen he would start serenading the crowd and all the girls’ panties would instantly get soaked, all the tabloids would hear about it, and the band would jizz their pants, and he would become an overnight sensation.

here’s where stuff gets dodgy. i’m not claiming this is abuse, because i don’t have experience with abusive relationships, and i’m not in any place to assume that i understand what it’s like to be in one, but my friends have told me that he mentally abused me and took advantage of the state i was in. somewhere along the line he would, in the group call, tell his sob story about how all his friends ghosted him and tried to cancel him because of some sort of misconduct accusation in a previous server, and how i was his savior for putting my trust in him and believing his side of the story and he said some things about becoming a happier person because he met me, and it was all very unnecessarily dramatic and extremely manipulative disregarding if he noticed he was doing it or not.

I.E.

“and... then I met this girl... this really weird girl! then i saw her face, and i thought i loved her, but i found out she only liked girls and i lost all hope but then out of nowhere she sends me valentines cards! and now shes my valentine”

or some really really stupid gay shit like that, it’s the best i can imitate him without gagging or getting sick. then eventually (eventually being equal to ‘within the first week of meeting me’) he hEsiTaNtLy asks me to, like, idk be his e-girlfriend. he knew i was baked to oblivion and wasn’t in a proper state to make up my mind on anything serious but then again am i the main character? 

no. 

music boy is the main character.

if i’m being gut-wrenchingly honest here, i only genuinely liked the idea of being in an e-relationship with music boy for a day or a day and a half. the entire time i was just stoned out of my mind and not thinking as i normally do, i was nonchalant until april fools day when all hell broke loose in the server. on a live stream, the lead singer of the band made a suggestion that he was in the server that music boy made. and dear God, you would have thought it was the second coming of Christ by the way music boy reacted to it. 

he was being unbelievably hyper, even for someone with ADHD. he was hauling his uncanny-valley looking forcibly ripped body around his room like a genetically mutated spider monkey, banging his head against his bed, stopping mid-sentence to play a quirky chord on his handy dandy acoustic guitar while he looked in the webcam and made a quirky blank face. it was like watching a six y/o meet Iron Man, even though there was nothing really to be too elated about. 

he made an emoji for it and everything, he even posted on the “Official [band name] Discord Server”’s instagram account, but it was just a video of him, and the thumbnail was his goofy ass face, the whole video was just music boy saying unfunny shit trying to lowkey promote the server while flexing at the same time, something like [lead singer] we know you’re here!! you are welcome here my lord idk lmfaooo

but at this point i was becoming too sober to stand by silently and watch this moron suck his own toes, i wasn’t gonna act like his music was good and i wasn’t gonna act like he was gonna become a superstar without question. the breaking point was mostly when he almost came his pants and cried when the lead singer allegedly joined his server, but i came close to breaking when i started casually humming in the group call and hes like 

Hold Up 👁️👄👁️ wait you’re so good... why are you so good? you’re like really good and i mean it!! you’re like, almost as good as me! but you know i have YEARS of practice you know haha but you’re like super good!

and then I decided to humor myself by showing him a cover i recorded and the first thing he said after listening to it halfway was “this scares me”, so that was a pretty big warning sign.

blah blah blah i cried for an hour after that then called him again just to break up with him because of my own mental health and he did handle this very well, not bashing him for that. i basically told him no we aren’t taking a break this shindig will no longer continue, like at all, ever and hes like okay cool yknow it hurts but ill get over it, and i really didnt expect that. because, he basically implied that if i left him he would k*ll himself.

i tried to keep the friendship going because i dont like abandoning people, but he slowly started getting distant from me, and the entire server kind of distanced themselves from me too, but at the time i only noticed music boy getting apprehensive with me. keep in mind (i keep saying that, don’t i?) i thought everybody in the server was cool with me making offensive-ish jokes because they had no problem with it during the time i was “with” music boy. then one day i get called out for talking about - i’m not joking - weed. i started ranting about how weed is my medicine and it was kinda silly to get so pissy over the devil’s lettuce but i dont think i made too big of a deal out of what i could have made.

couple days later im talking in the server again. i’m a very blunt person, my humor is very dry and it can tend to go over some people’s heads if they don’t have enough brain cells. i made a joke that i’d already made in the server before about me being r-word because autism and haha funny joke. 

i get kicked out of the server.

at the time i was confused because i had no idea that i even said anything wrong. i messaged music boy a bit passive-aggressively because despite my confusion i still had a vague idea of what was happening. i said something like "was i too edgy" and like 3 minutes later he responds "you were making a lot of dudes uncomfortable”

mcscuse me bietch?

NOBODYYYYY in the general chat had told me that i was making them feel uncomfy whatsoever, and i dont think anything could have implied that anyone was in any way uncomfortable, and with these social situations i’ve explained to everyone in the after hours chat that sometimes i don’t get social cues. i’m autistic!!! it’s a very rare occurrence when i’m able to ‘read the room’. i thought they knew that but they decided to have a private staff meeting and they all agreed it was best to BAN ME from the server. 

the thing is if i had been messaged, if i was let known that people were bitching about me calling myself r******d then i would have definitely complied. i can understand people feeling a bit weird when i make fun of myself using no-no words, and i’m definitely willing to stop saying a certain thing if it genuinely makes somebody feel uneasy. but nobody said anything about it to me. not a single word.

considering the server has gone to a snowflake kingdom since my exit, i’m not too upset about being kicked out. what i am upset about regards him knowing i wasn’t in a proper state to make any decisions. decisions including NSFW decisions that he hinted at for about 5 minutes before i stopped saying ‘ehhh i don’t know if i’m comfortable with this’ and he didn’t have to beg for coochie anymore. i’m honestly lucky because i can’t remember most of what he coaxed me to do, because if i think about it too much it gets traumatic and i start feeling nauseous.

Christina has been in the server just to tell me what new bullshit has been going on in the rules, and the ever-expanding list of things that you aren’t allowed to talk about in the server, we have a good chuckle at it. i got high again about a week ago, and told my friends the audacity of what music boy actually had done to me and we all agreed to go under a vpn and raid the server, because why not, its funny haha goofy joke. we were having the best time and i was about to piss myself laughing when one of my friends name-drops me and the whoooole gig is over. we get kicked out and Christina pretends to act like she had no clue what was going on, so she could stay in and screenshot this:

she didn’t know how badly that term in itself would send me down a long overdue psychotic episode because about a year or two ago, i was getting concerned that i might have anti-social personality disorder, the ‘proper’ term for a diagnosed psychopath. it ended up nonconclusive, so i don’t necessarily believe i have it, but for some reason him calling me that word really fucked me up. but here’s a pretty funny and cringy sequence of things he typed in to get his cult of teenagers to feel bad for him.

don’t go looking for this person, don’t go looking for the band, i’m just sharing my story because maybe somebody could benefit from my experience being told. i’m trying to jump over this long ass hurdle that’s kept me in one place for wayyy too long, i’m hoping that sharing this endeavor could help my psyche, and perhaps push me forward and lead me towards gathering up the courage i’m missing to finally study for and take the GED test, graduate, and put public school and it’s challenges behind me.

if you read this long and want to talk to me about it, by all means, ask questions, make jokes, ask for more goofy ass screenshots of how i’ve made fun of him, more drama queen music boy tales, because we have a handful, trust me. 

i don’t expect anyone to read this or necessarily care about this, but if you’ve come this far, from the bottom of my heart, do not date a musician. and, of course, thank you for reading. but still, don’t date a musician. especially if it’s a man. mega especially x2 if you’ve only known them for less than a week.

add me on roblox i’m user xulue i’m a funny gal and im a pro gamer

stay safe out there, be kind, and for the love of God don’t bring your guitar to the voice channel <3

[justmikerrss]

to all the boys that will *never* love me:

Dear christian, stephen, mikio, oscar, royce, pat, manny, derrick, mars, gill, rex, max, kevin, and nick -- whether y’all were a crush or someone i saw myself being in a relationship with get ready bc i’m going IN. I’m gonna use this time to rank these catastrophes from level 1 to level 5. level 1 being a crush yenno not so bad or scarring, and level 5 being sad machine playing while the world is burning to pieces like bish you left a MARK on my heart. if you know me i think you know who that person is hahaha

*alexa, please play truth hurts by lizzo*

christian - level 1. lol let’s take a trip down memory lane to my first crush ever!! my gosh i remember being so kilig over this boy in elementary school at st. leander lol it was so obvious. hahaha. your spikey hair and like goofy ass smile i don’t know i was such a sucker for that. the first filipino boy i ever crushed on waow <3 but then I left st. leander and never spoke to you again. you went to o’dowd, i went to sjnd and that was it really. you went to sfsu i went to usf. idk how we ever found each other on insta, but it is so cute to see posts of you and jasmine haha a USF don as well!! the last “convo” (i wouldn’t even call it that) was when i commented on your graduation post and you commented back thanking me and saying congrats too. so happy that your trillest brand is killing it and you know nothing about me anymore but what a great time it was to know you were my first crush ever lol. thanks for this <3

stephen - level 1. lol i left st. leander and moved to sjes and was like ok, who am i gonna crush on now?? hello stephen, my first white boi lol. i knew fosho that you thought i was weird in elementary school like there is a particular time where in church i sat next to you and during the our father you did not want to hold my hand LMAO and that’s when i knew. i stood from afar. touched your thumb for heads up 7 up HAHAHA gosh you were so out of my league and such an asshole tbh. you and nick, forever making fun of me for liking mikio lmfao hate y’all forever. you went to lmu and that was history. lmao you were so mean to me. but all well. you were like not a good person i think i just liked you because of your looks? lol hahaha

mikio - level 2.5. oh my god the epitome of my boy problems in high school lmfao fuck you. jk. but high school mika wouldn’t take that back. oh myyyyy what a FLIRT were you. i had so many fantasies thinking we’d be together, we’d be m&m HAHAH BARF wow, and then you dated mel and it was just like??? then you were my escort but then i was like nope and switched you with ryann LOL suuuuper crazy like I don’t really remember the details of everything but i knew in high school being so kawawa over not being noticed by you. but then you went to davis, slo, and now in sl?? idk where you are now but you had my heart back then (barf) but that was such a long time ago that honestly it doesn’t phase me anymore!! a feeling high school mika wouldn’t have thought was possible. so thank you. i liked you because you gave me little glimmers of hope of like maybe we could be together -- you were nice, flirtatious, close to your family... not afraid to make a fool of yourself for the one you’re interested in. which wasn’t me but again that’s okay! I wrote a letter to you didn’t i? idk what i was doing why was i so dramatic tbh. you did things that honestly weren’t in my control so i can’t hate you really. again realizing that you fit my type so it just, idk

oscar -- level 1. when mikio was being a butt i knew i could crush on you. LOL the hugs, the convos, being able to laugh at anything when you were in the room what a time SJND was when you were there. now you’re in boston with your boo and i’m still really regretful over not being able to see you when i was in boston last year but it’s okay. happy that you’re happy out there :-)

royce and pat -- level 1.5. ah. USF college times man. these two were literally a duo. RA’s of the 4th floor (share yall are silly for assigning that haha) and damn, what a trip it was to crush on you. royce you were a dj so thats how i knew my thing for dj’s came. you both did your jobs at ra’s, pat you were on eboard so i saw your hustle there which i super appreciated. and this is also how i knew filipinos were my type? lol. EVEN THO YALL WERE LIKE WITH BOOS lol i am cursed but yall had hustle, swagger, passion for what you love, and still made time for partying it up and studying. and now i see royce at parties sometimes n i would awk hug him (rip at the phoenix hotel party) and i havent seen pat since he graduated but hes so happy with becca!! so cute. and its cute (and weird) how kierst is happy with royce.

****DJ SPARKY/AGANA/YURI -- level 1. yall are dj’s who i will always cringe at bc of how naive i was at shooting my shot... BUT IM GLAD YOU ALL ARE THRIVING OK LETS DISMISS THOSE BOIZ NOW 

manny -- level 2.5. ahhhhh manny manny manny. my first trip towards using dating apps and matching with someone on TINDER!!! LOL!!!! ok anywho i met up with you for a few times and it was just like... a lot of question marks bc i didn’t really know where my standards were when it came to online dating. we went on dates? but the first time i paid, and the second time you “forgot your card” so i paid again?? and then you walked me to my dorm and kissed me on the forehead?? red alert!! then you kept wanting like a second chance, to prove me wrong and i kept ignoring you bc wtf lmao... then i was foolish to let you into my life again and realized that was a mistake and blocked you again. and now you’re like a bonafide dj living your edm dreams. i saw you at audio TWICE omg rip. i liked you because lol ur filipino, a dj, buttered me up a whole ton which again problematic bc i didn’t see any of it within myself... but its okay mika is better now. better to not be talking to you. but thank you for being my stepping stone into dating apps.

derrick -- level 1. omg at times i forget about you! which i don’t know is a good or bad thing but i don’t think i ever told anyone about you lol. we met on okc, this filipino boi (lol a trend) andddd i went on like two dates with him? one, i met up with him at that one coffee spot near golden gate park. then we walked over to ggp and we just talked and thinking about it now it was very ideal for me to be myself fully, in public if that makes sense. you were so nice and genuine omg. we went to sweet maple the second time around and you paid for the food which was like wow!! diff than manny!! and i remember talking to you about kh and you loving it as much as me. but i got scared because you were like 26 or somn? i was still 20 i think and i was like this dude might be asking a lot out of me...so i told him the “this is on me i don’t feel ready and not sure how i feel” spiel. and that was history. i honestly don’t know what he is doing now but he was really nice. i felt no malicious intentions from me, i just wasn’t ready to move forward w him. the first nice guy i ever let down bruh. ugh.i hope you’re doing well now though.  

mars -- LEVEL 5. fuck me i hate this chapter SO MUCH lmao. so many drunk cries and just cries in general post this whole... like chapter. but lets start off with why i liked you: handsome as hell, close to your family, athletic, hustled, SO MF KIND EVEN WHEN I WAS BEING CRAZY, a great homie and bf quality, gave me the false hope of like “yeah ill see if i can come through” “ill let you know when i listen to this” the forever ILL LET YOU KNOWS but still views my stories and still doesn’t let me know mentality.... you never initiated any of our convos. i was STRAIGHT pursuing you even though i didn’t believe that you’d change your mind about just seeing me as a friend. you made that clear to me from the start but i didn’t take that as an answer LOL which is why i was so crazy to keep hanging out with you... even tho you were super busy and i felt like a burden you STILL made time with me, whether that was peruvian food, or thursday nightlife followed by dancing at a bar together (which i ruined when you took me home and asked you about your love language lmao), souvla, and then our final time of seeing each other: san tung and tpumps. what a fucking few months that was...only to come out of it with another girlfriend with the same name as me. LIKE WHAT. ARE. THE. ODDS. i still can’t believe it till this day. my gosh you were so nice to me mars. such a great homie. and i wasnt empathetic or smart enough to make diff decisions to retain what we had...but im happy that you’re happy with mika. other mika. yeah. man i never felt so in the dark when going through this time, this was so rough. i wasn’t eating, i’d cry in bed for days, it was so bad. i’d like to say that I’m healed from that though. lol to burning the shirt which honestly i should have kept bc it was a cute shirt.. but yeah. thank you.

gill -- level 1. lol you were dumb to think i was attractive enough to dance with at the soulection event. we exchange numbers and i think because i told you i was 21, you backed off. lol guess i was a fetus then. still am. lmao. we text for a bit but then i find out you tried to get into arcilla’s pants?? lMAO. oh and then i see you at that pool party, saw you talking to other girls and i broke DOWN bc i was crossed as hell LOL sorry ate kayla that you had to take me home that day LOL ugh i hate myself for that night. and then i see you right in front of me at OSL. in 2019?? for childish?? that was such weird weird fate. thank god you didn’t recognize me (i had long black hair there, you remembered me with short brown hair plus it was dark). i just thought it was crazy. uhm you had the fuckboy vibe and look on point.. knew everything about soulection. family oriented. but it just fizzled bc i blocked you and then just stopped talking to you lol.

*****chris l/frankie -- level 1. again i cringe at how dramatic i pursued yall sorta as crushes but for sure bc yall were soulcycle and about fitness YES bodies 10/10 and you understood soul. but omg chris pls get ur life together (which is what it seems like ur doing??) and frankie well you’ve been having your life together being married and all so0o0o0 im trash for crushing lmao BUT IM GLAD THATS ALL IN THE PAST AND THAT WE’VE FORGOTTEN i think lmao

rex -- level 0.5. lmfao you were dumb you’re gonna keep looking at me and emily only for me to make the move in letting you know i was interested, follow you on ig, and then you block me?? weirdo. bye.

MY HINGE BOYS </3 

Max -- level 3. oh maximus lmao. we talked for a whole month and what a pleasure it was to text you every day, receive and send memes, curate playlists, be w/ each other at different events... only for it to end after we netflix party/facetime where i don’t feel the kilig i’d feel when texting you. so i told you i wanted to be friends. and then i try to still reach out and be friends, but i got delayed responses to no responses. and now you just, look at my stories? lmao i know it don’t mean shit to look and you recently liked my post, but i feel like i invested a lot into our quarantine reality. you had GREAT music taste (even tho ur playlist was a lil questionable), for all i know you were just telling me things to like get you on my good side, motivated, privileged......... yeah. i hope you find your 5′0 qt rave queen that can go to events with u

KEVIN -- level 1. lmfao honestly you SUCK hahaha even with the benefit of the doubt, it does not take 10 hours to reply...even if you are busy at work NICK AND MAX WERE ABLE TO!!! you were spotty to begin with but then we netflix party and then you dont talk to me anymore after i ask if we could exchange music playlists? i didnt even ask u to be my boyfriend its a fucking playlist.... we talked about music so much. ugh BOYS ARE SO DUMB LIKE SERIOUSLY. hope amazon treats ya right

NICK -- level 4. ugh. ughguhgughgh. i liked you because your profile/resume was all my criteria: music taste A1 bc of bryson, i hated mint chip, i loved spongebob (even tho you NEVER sent me spongebob memes fuck u), you were hapa (he he but fuck u) (i laugh while typing this i am so dum), uhm. yeah. we talked everyday consistently for two weeks. you were such a joy to text bc you were funny (i was funny too), even tho it was hard to keep the convo going w you at times in the beginning because you never inquired about me at times. max did. its like you were better than mars, but not like A+ in replying like max was. you never really flirted with me? lmao i mean even those attempts of me tryna bait you, i always got... friend vibes. benefit of the doubt maybe you just didn’t know how to flirt but you had posts of your past relationship up on your feed so you cant tell me that that exp did not have you pursue a girl and flirt her up. to me, there was no initiative from you. i was chasing you for sure. this dating life is a two way street -- life doesn’t work where one pursues you only otherwise like no. bet if i went the fuckboi approach, gave you lame responds would you have kept the convo going? prolly not bc ur a cancer and want to feel needed. the only thing ill commend you on is when you’d apologize for delays in text messages but then you kinda stopped that. like understand i should also feel like i should be pursued and never did i feel that i felt like you just responded just to respond... like you’re a cancer its in your nature to dive deep and ask deep questions but you never did, you were the type to play video games with your pals LMAO and like/????/? me understanding gamer life i was like YES this boy gets me but like CMON. lol so many things. ok maybe i am reading too into this but this is the freshest heartache :/ you never like told me i was cute or anything like... max made remarks about my looks and you never did. i mean cool maybe you were just vibing off my energy but i just now question if you were actually interested in me? bc i was trying so hard to make you like me. every meme, was a move. you didnt play your cards right!! its like i kept hitting you with plus fours, and then all you’d put down is the same color number card. where was the fun in that? it was super effortless but anxiety filling for me at the same time bc i was convinced that you were the one. :’/ super good news to hear that you wanted to meet virtually literally NO EXPECTATIONS but then monday rolls around, you dont text me the whole day, i check in at 530, you tell me you go to costco instead and want to reschedule bc you thought i was ghosting you????? wtf did u just like expect me to just call u right at 7 and expect u to be ready?? max texted me after work and was like “we still on right?” so i was high key expecting that from you bc 1. show interest and 2. take initiative but you DIDN’T!! so i was honest in telling you how i felt but kept it light and asked to reschedule. you take forever to reply, but when you do you tell me it was silly OF ME to think you were supposed to confirm it which i get i initiated it i shoulda texted you earlier (but what if i had the worst day ever and couldn’t text you??? would you have just let it be and not text me anymore bc you assumed i ghosted you???) you also said that you thought maybe it was too quick to assume that i ghosted you which is YES tru. however i was not going to apologize for not texting you earlier and waiting for you to reply bc boy, that was on you to make a move to double check. if i was in your shoes i woulda texted. that would indicate to me that oh wow this boy is making sure we are meeting and confirming! even drop a hey hows your day you excited for tonight? i made it obvious to hype you up on your photos and everything, you just were like wow your photos are so good! wow i hope you posted that picture! like idk. i kept it light bc i still really wanted to meet you, and just wanted to attribute this small ass thing as a misunderstanding between the two of us but after long hours of making me wait, you decide you don’t want to reschedule because you were unsure of how you were feeling and that you couldn't put your all in and said sorry. no sentiment towards wanting to be friends just a straight goodbye which basically meant, in harsher terms im prolly not as down as you are for me and maybe i am nervous to meet u (idk ill never know if you were) anddd im not interested anymore bc you’re crazy and ME being the womyn that i am ended up being the mature one and said the goodbye hope you have a good life without me text and then our lovestory ended lololol what a great two weeks am i right? honestly maybe you still need to do some growing buddy but relationships are not easy going they are a two way street but also ill never know maybe you were just texting me just to text me and you still wanted to be the nice guy bc you were scared of how invested things would be post call so you call it off and it was just in the moment for you to be down but then have it change on another day.... i woke up in a better headpsace today about how this turned out but like god fucking dammit i had high hopes for you you infj CANCER. *squidward voice* so thanks. thanks for NOTHING (this is when you start your spongebob dialogue of all how to get everyone on board for practicing for the bubble bowl and sing sweet victory)

so, the end LOL basically. to all the boys who will never love me, ultimately thank you for being a part of my life. thank you srsly. thank you for making me exp the pain, the kilig, the uh everything. growing pains these are, but at the end of the day, i hope you have a good life. whether or not we cross paths again this gives me clarity as to what i’m looking for and what i deserve. this goalgetting, resilient, funny, hardworking, awkward but in the best way pinay is a force to be reckoned with!!! she has the best support system out there!!! she has so much to live for because she is determined to not let down anyone counting on her!!!! so fuck u for missing out on that!!!

k. my ideal man list is coming soon. until then... see ya later.

xoxo,

Mika (allison to some)

[dragaoel]

 Jun'ichirō, aka Jun (- Silverdell)

the volume of the radio slowly dwindles down and only static noise is left to be heard

"those are dangerous words"

"not for him " Anja replies, her head laying on her outstretched arm that's on the table , her whole posture the embodiment of laziness. "loved ones always have it easier here"

"Not always" Jun says grimly and glances out of the window" it's because he's an outsider that he's allowed more freedom than any of us"

"aren't you a loved one too?"

Jun sighs deeply and turns towards the albino girl. For a second ,pain , frustration and a hint of panic can be seen in his eyes before it vanishes. He lets out a bitter laugh.

"and you saw where that lead me to,half dead in a ditch"

INTRODUCTION JUN : 

half japanese half black

has waist long black thick hair and brown skin 

has a ‘’prince in anguish’’ aura but masks it with him being over the top ridiculous and dramatic

is 5′11

born 12th october (libra)

‘‘the risk i took was calculated, but man, am i bad at math’‘

Jun is my favourite character, i made him on a whim as a side character in a old story and then i started using him more and more as a background character until i realized the potential he had. He's also one of the character whom i put into a lot of  different aus, the most favourite one was where he was a vampire who loved laying in the garden and eat roses all day

Rukiya (-Though the god’s have left)

‘‘i have dreams about them’‘ Rukiya says and plucks a string on her bass. The deep note rumbles through the room and her short curls moves along as she drops her head lower 

‘‘i'm high in the sky, looking down onto a land that seems oh so familiar, with people screaming at me asking me to help them’‘

‘’do you understand them? ‘’ a band member asks

‘‘weirdly i do’‘ Rukiya answers ‘‘ it seems to be in my native language but also not, as if it was way before everything happened, you know, the ancient time’‘ 

INTRODUCTION RUKIYA :

Out of the both of them Rukiya is the older twin by 4 minutes

she’s also the artsy one than her sister whos into sports

wears black literally 24/7 and has dark circles despite sleeping enough

is 5′9

is black (kenyan) 

mole on the left side of her cheek

fluent in her native tongue kiswahili 

Majors in Film

loves anything that has to do with space nd aliens

born 24th january (aquarius)

has a sweet tooth

*cocks gun* ‘’basements haunted’’

i like the idea of twins that are completely the opposite of each other. Rukiya just like Imara have a big chunk of my personality in them, it's just that i lean more towards Rukiya than Imara. 

Akiho (-Though the god’s have left)

Kneeling down, she cocks her head to the side, her eyes cold and her lips pressed into a thin line ‘’ dont think your actions won't have consequences’’ she sneers ‘’ the next time i see you harassing another girl again i'll make you wish you were never born’’ 

Akiho dusts herself , picks up the bat , glances one last time at the boy laying on the floor and walks away, the echoes of her shoes the only noise to be heard

INTRODUCTION AKIHO :

is 5′4

majors in theater

her fashion style is y2k

is the other one of the dumbass duo

has freckles on her nose

is japanese

doesn't like sweet things usually eats traditional sweets made by her mom or things that are sour/bitter, but salty food has to be spicy asf

born, 14th april (aries)

her side teeth are really pointy

has long peach colored straight hair

‘‘I’d sell you to satan for one corn chip’‘

Akiho comes from a family of 3, she's the youngest sibling and she has that energy. She likes to play with her oldest brother children, doesn't want any on her own though. will fight anyone who is disrespectful, esp towards women 

Hyunjin (-Though the god’s have left)

The tall girl slumps her body onto her girlfriend shoulder, watching her fry the fish in the pan into charcoal. Hyunjin wrinkles her nose in a attempt to push the glasses up without having to actually touch them, before she sighs deeply. 

‘‘Just-’‘ she starts and softly takes ‘‘let me do it, otherwise you'll burn the kitchen down like last time��‘

Praveena puffs her cheeks up ‘’that actually wasn't my fault, it was the gasherd-’’

‘‘i know i know’‘ Hyunjin chuckles and kisses her cheek ‘‘but i have a exam tomorrow and i would like not not have an indigestion’‘ she frowns and flips the fish over and sighs. It seems the fish can’t be saved anymore. 

INTRODUCTION HYUNJIN :

korean

has short dyed blue hair, but the back part is longer than the front part.

is ‘5′10

majors in engineering technology

born 14th may (taurus)

has literally no sense of style and wears glasses cause she has a slight astigmatism that you can't really see

has a mole next to her right eye

‘‘a financially unstable mess but at the liquor store they call me ma’am’‘

honestly out of all the characters i draw hyunjin the most. In the beginning  she  had shoulder length but then i shortened it because i liked it more. She's an only child and her mother runs a bakery while her father works in a office. She's the calm type that's constantly tired because she never sleeps 

Praveena  (-Though the god’s have left)

She shuffles the cards and lays them out on the table. The customers sees the fool, the moon and the star. Praveena touches them with her fingertips ‘’ you seem to be either at the beginning or at the end of a new journey ’’ she pauses and thinks ‘’but either way you're prepared for what is to come’’

The customers nods ‘’i'm soon moving away from this city’’

‘‘I see’‘ Praveena counters and points at the next card ‘‘the moon indicates that you’re hesitant  and fearful in your decision, there might be something from the past that is holding you back and influencing you in the present and possibly the future

the customer tenses up, her eyes fixed on the card and her lips tight

‘‘though’‘ Praveena continues ‘‘at the end you’ll be at peace and glad that you pushed through all the turbulences 

INTRODUCTION PRAVEENA : 

tamil ,dark skin with long wavy violet dyed hair

Hyunjin’s girlfriend

has calm energy but is also very erratic 

loves astrology & tarot

majors in psychology

5′5

born 20 july (cancer)

has droopy eyes

‘‘god cant help you now’‘

i made praveena cause i wanted a harmonious wlw couple, that have that ‘’old married pair’’ plus out of all the ocs those two are the ones that i drew first. Praveena has the tendency to blow things up how though is a mystery and hyunjin always has to clean up everything. 

Imara (-Though the god’s have left)

‘‘no listen, it doesn't make sense why would you wear a bra and some tight ass pants knowing you’re about to fight people who have knives and GUNS?’’ Imara asks perturbed.

‘‘Cause men are horny’‘ Rukiya retorts and raises an eyebrow

‘‘still doesn't make sense like wow!, some fucking boobs, like really? really? is that what gets you going? just some breast pressed up in a bra that is too damn tight and a flat stomach on a skinny ass girl that has absolute no muscles despite the training she went through?

Rukiya sighs ‘’ is this about-’’

‘‘lara croft yes’‘ Imara interrupts and slams her finger on the table ‘‘and im going to die on this hill that men shouldn't be allowed to create games!’‘

INTRODUCTION  IMARA:

plays games a lot, esp the loz series

has curly dyed blonde hair that's mostly tied in a ponytail  or a bun because she cant be bothered with it, though rukiya helps her all the time cause she never really learned how to deal with curly hair. 

Is on a baseball sponsorship because she's that good (she's a pitcher)

is totally tone deaf unlike her twin

isnt good with crows ie: strangers crowding around her after her team won a game

is kenyan

5′9

has a mole next to her upper lips on the left side

loves 90's rnb & hip hop music

‘‘he proclaimed his undying love and asked me to do the same, i had to overcome my desire to laugh’‘

Imara does have a slight complex about being a twin because she feels like Rukiya is the cooler one despite people loving her too. She's loud and boisterous basically a chad, but better. She's dorky and literally spends her free time gaming but she doesn't just play any game shes v specific when it comes to that. Her mom always has a headache because of her but thats okay but in the end her mom loves her to death.

Ava (-Though the god’s have left)

‘’do you you know how much it's sucks that at the end of all of this , i'm the one waiting for them?’’ Ava exclaims ‘’that i'm the one who will have to watch them go through the door to be evaluated? that i'm ultimately the end?

‘‘you’re not all alone-’‘

‘‘you don't understand’’ Ava interrupts, as she points at the short girl ‘’ i will have to watch my mom, my family that raised me go through that door and know that that will be the last time i will see them in that body!’’

INTRODUCTION  AVA:

She’s haitian 

keeps her hair in a short chin length dark blue bob

majors in sociology 

she and akiho are the ‘’comedy duo’’ of the group

is 5′6

born 4th november (scorpio)

‘‘my only crime was that i was down to clown’‘ 

When i make akiho i felt like she needed a companion so i made ava, both of them were inspired by the early 2000 shows characters. Although Ava likes to goof around she's also very studious and serious about her future. She comes from a family of 6 and she’s the second oldest. She and her older sister fight constantly 

Nïrnaya (Dawn over the horizon)

‘‘Magic’‘ the elf stars, her tall stature hunched over the herbs ‘’ is in the nature we’re surrounded in, in the mountains that stand high and the rivers that flow into the deep sea’’

she straightens up and walks over to Nïrnaya ‘’ we might lose everything.’’ She pokes the girl on the forehead ‘’but magic will forever stay with you because its the core of your being‘’ 

INTRODUCTION NÏRNAYA :

shes a mischievous 15 year old 

 has black curly long hair that are mostly braided

does not want to do this whole adventure thing because of how it reminds her too much of the ‘’chosen one trope’’ and thats too much responsibilities

born during the year of the earth dragon

‘‘snacking between meals is the least, but tastiest, of my problems’‘ 

i came up with this story and character because i wanted a book where a black girl for once was the main character, where she could experience the same thing as other mc (ie eragon etc) basically i wanted black representation in a medieval-esque world but with my own spin because the world itself is not very western like

[popopretty]

Piko’s Spring Tour “Pathfinder” report

There are just so many things I want to write down for this live but I realized I would not be able to put everything into one post and I have also forgot some parts of it so please bear with my scattered memories.

I went to almost all the lives in this tour except for the one in Sendai. So it includes Nagoya, Osaka, Yokohama, Fukuoka and Tokyo. It is an amazing feeling following an artist on tour, like waking up in a different city everyday, meeting the fans you don’t usually meet but still being able to say “See you tmr”. For two weeks I was filled with Piko feels and I couldn’t really remember doing anything else.

KEEP READING - There is A LOT more under the cut lol

For most of the venues, there were like 150-200 people each. The final was in a bigger venue so there were more than that. There are girls, guys, couples, families, Japanese, foreigners, all kinds of people you can think of. And everyone is super nice and friendly. I still feel super awkward with my Japanese but people’s warmness there just calmed me a lot.

For the tour goods, there are T-shirts, mirrors, towels, mobile charger, tote bag and stuff from previous lives. If you buy one album, you will get a ticket to high touch with Piko at the end of the live. Plus there are chekis and if u are lucky enough you can get one with Piko’s sign.

My favorite thing from the goods this time must be the totebag. Its cheap and convenient since you can use it both as a handbag and a shoulder bag. The mobile battery is a new thing, which is a bit expensive imo but it works pretty well and has a super cute design so everything is forgiven xD I also bought 2 more CDs to get a high touch with him. I will write about it in more details at the later part.

Piko wears a different outfit every live. For the one in Nagoya, he wears the black outfit as in Black Swan cover, then in Osaka it was the white one as in Realizing. He is back to the black one in Yokohama and in Fukuoka is another white shirt with black gilet. He went with the Black Swan outfit for MOST of the final live lol. If you read my last posts, you have already known what else he was wearing xD

As for the setlist. The setlist is the same for all the small lives. Only the final is different so I’m gonna list out all the songs that he has sung in all the lives, not in the exact order.

- Realizing - This is the opening song for all lives.

- Loki - He sang this in all the small lives but not in the final.

- Ghost Rule

- HERO

- Tengaku - He sang this in the final only

- Re:Act

- Rolling Merry Go Round - this is also in the final only. I was so surprised when he sang it ;; this is also my first time listening to the song live ;;

- Dappo Rock

- Kachoufuei - This is one of my favourite songs in the new album

- Sakurane - This is also final exclusive! In one part he messed up the lyrics and he was super embarrassed so he laughed and asked the audiences to sing for him lol

- Black Swan - the most beautiful song live from the new album. Tbh I didn’t like the recording that much cuz the instruments are a bit too loud for me. But in the live it sounds much better and Piko’s voice just resonates around the live house and it is absolutely beautiful.

- Kokoronashi Acoustic - This is in the final only. He sang this song many times before but this time is totally different. He sang the first verse with no instruments at all and the acoustic guitar sound only came in in the second verse.

- Kasa - He sang it with a backup vocal of himself since it is a self-duet and many parts are overlapped. He sang the guy’s part with female backup in the first verse and then switched to the girl’s part with male backup for the second verse. In some lives, the fans even sang along with the backup parts which was really cute xDDD

After this part there is usually a small MC parts where Piko can talk and take a short rest before entering a non-stop session of about 4-5 rockish songs xD

- Murabito A - I love the song and the message in it. Whenever he gets to the “kamisama” I really just reached my hands towards him as if he is my God lol

- Futaiten Path Finder

- Lost One no Goukoku - I cant believe Piko covered it just recently! He sounds absolutely amazing in it. He didnt try to sing the original key (though I think he totally can). He chose a lower tone which showed off his beautiful, manly middle range and I love it so much. In the entry part of the song, he asked everyone to raise hand and shout out at the end of each drum session. He also asked the girls and the guys to do it separately. Even though there were only a few guys, they were really energetic, even when Piko asked them to say Yeah but in a girly cutesy voice. (They did it anyway lol!)

- Haikei Doppelganger - Of course this cannot be missed! This is like the most heated song in the live. Everyone was just headbanging like crazy. He just sounds absolutely powerful and precise for such a hard song that I lost my mind every time I heard it.

- Make Our Days - this is like a sequel to Make My Days. He mentioned that this is a song where he wants everyone to become one by doing the same moves. It is pretty similar to Make My Days and I dont know how to explain it in writing lol. So lets wait until some videos of it actually come out xDD He also asked all the band members to do that with different style every time and it was so funny (I will write more about it but probably in a separate post)

- Piscium - Last song before the encore. He spoke about the meaning of it, about how he started his career as a net artist, how it was in the beginning where they didnt really know what to do but try different things and see how it works. And it has been a long way with both joys and sadness and now he realizes that its not him walking alone, and that everything he does has the people who support him being a part of it. Thats why its not about him anymore but about all of us. Thats why Make My Day becomes Make Our Days, and Piscium lyrics also say “You made me. I made you”.

It was a beautiful moment…

Before the funny part kicked in xDDD

If you follow Piko, you might have already known that he has a corner called Pikone jinsei soudan in his namahousou, in which he puts on an okama personality and gives people advices on their problems xDD The live this time also has a session like that.

- Tokyo Shinobizaki

The first song of the encore is Tokyo Shinobizaki, which is an ending he sang for a short anime recently. It is a slow, jazzy and mature song, the type you may find in some old bars I guess. In the small lives, Piko would wear his live tour T-shirt, walk out and sing it with a stand mic. And he kept swaying and sliding his hands up and down the stand mic xD He has such lovely hands that my eyes kept fixating on them through out the song @@ In the final, when the music started playing, everyone was waiting for Piko to come out as usual, but it was just a band playing a super long intro. The live house for the final has a smaller stage on the right side that looks like a small balcony. And when the intro finally ended, Piko walked out from there, wearing a long red dress (the same one he wore in luz’s event not too long ago). He looked so pretty in that dress that everyone could have mistaken him as a girl without knowing him before >w<.

After he sang Tokyo shinobizaki, the jinsei soudan session started. Every live he would pick 2 letters from the fans and read it out loud (in okama voice) and then gave advices to them. All the band members also helped him out (and they also spoke in funny voices lol). There are many interesting questions but I think I will write about them in a separate post. I will just mention a few moments here. In the Osaka live, one fan was asking about how to deal with a rebellious son. And Piko was like “hmm I dont know. Should I ask my own parents??” and then he looked to the back of the stage, raised his hand and shouted out “Mama~~”. Turned out his mom was also there and all the lights of the stage started pointing to her xDD she then said that she actually didnt have to deal with Piko’s rebellious phase cuz he was a super good kid and didnt have that phase at all xDD In the final, Piko randomly picked a guy from the audience and asked him if he has any questions. The guy didnt have any, but he said that he brought his daughter to the live to see Piko. And Piko, still wearing that dress, rephrases his words like “Oh, so papa likes me, and papa wants his daughter to like me too so he brought her here?” He then asked to see the daughter. We all expected like a little grown up girl but turned out she was a super tiny cute little girl xDDD and Piko was like “ok lets get married” lol

- Yoshiwara Lament: Normally Pikone only sang Tokyo Shinobizaki but in the final she sang this one too xDD

After the Pikone part, Piko got into the backstage and changed again.

When he was inside the big screen started playing and they played a part of Black Swan MV which is coming soon.

And they also announced on the screen a two-man live with Pokota on November 4th this year!

2nd encore:

- Thanatos

- Hypnos: As some of you might know, Thanatos is the god of death in Greek mythology. Hypnos is his twin brother. Hypnos is a god of sleep. Piko said that the tour is like a dream. And when this tour end, everyone will wake up from their dream, go back to their everyday life. Thanatos is his first CD ever released, but Hypnos is the future. He will keep moving forward and come back, being a stronger and newer Piko. He asked for a title call and wrapped up the live with that song.

After the live came the high touch. I did it 3 times. One time was in the first live in Nagoya. I didnt buy the CDs but one friend of mine was kind enough go give me one of her tickets. The high touch is super short. You touch hand with him and say one sentence or two and thats it. I kept thinking what to say in Nagoya and ended up telling him “I LOVE YOU” in English lol. Second time was in Fukuoka. I did’t plan to buy a CD that day but that was 3rd day of the 3-day-in-a-row lives that Piko performed in (Tour in Yokohama, Chan-gero Sonic, tour in Fukuoka). He sounded a little bit tired at the beginning in Fukuoka but he tried his best and still sounded wonderful till the end of the live. So I bought a CD to high touch and tell him how well he has done. I also asked him not to try too hard. And all the time he just gently smiled back and said Thank you. The fragrance left from his hands still linger on mine even after I left ;;

Another interesting event did happen to me and my friends in the final. After the live I went for dinner with a few Pikoots and on our way to the station, we were supposed to pass by the livehouse again. A taxi was running from behind us so we decided to stop and walked to the side to let it pass. Then that taxi stopped in front of the livehouse and turned out it was Piko’s taxi. So we saw him getting in the taxi so we waved at him and said good job. Of course we all freaked out after that, like not believing what just happened. It was a miracle, really xD

So that’s the end of my tour dream. I tried to keep this report short but you can see how long it has become. I feel like its still not half enough to write down everything I want to write but I hope it helps you understand how wonderful a live it was. There were a lot of cameramen during the final so I am secretly hoping there will be a DVD!

[lee-minhc]

//Unlikely Friends\\ 5

-a lonely,abused teen calls upon the devil himself for protection against anyone who harms her,and makes an u likely friend along the way

i wake up on the couch,groaning out in pain as i sit up,minho and felix instantly rushing to my side.

"what-what was that?"i whisper as i rub my temples."you dont remember?we got your father-"felix starts,but i cut him off.

"no.my dream,i think it was a dream"i say as i look up at him.

"there was this little boy.and 3 cats.the most beautiful family i've ever seen,multiple children,gorgeous mother,handsome father.the mother wanted the little boy to play with his siblings,but he was happy with the cats,"i start explaining."i remember their names.soonie,doongie,and dori.the boy looked happy.content."minho shifts in his spot.

"then i saw when the boy was a teenager.fire in his eyes.the room a wreak.the boy asks what he did wrong,screaming at his parents making the mother flinch away"i explain further.

"the father holds his ground,being firm,but never harsh with his words.the boy stormed off,and thats all i saw before i woke up"i say as i furrow my eyebrows.

i toward minho as he grabs my hands,squating in front of me."what you saw.that was my past.you and i are bound now.we can get visions of the others memories"he explains.

"have you seen anything from my past yet?"i ask curiously as i stare into his eyes.he frowns and nods his head.

"i saw 3 things"he says simply."can you tell me!"i ask hopefully,wondering how accurate it is.

"first.i saw a woman.your mother.it's your 4th birthday.she is wearing a yellow sun dress,almost the same as the outfit she put you in.it's a sunny,warm spring day.she is sitting on a patio bench,opening the presents from your family."minho says with a fond smile.

"next i saw a funeral.you were 15.your hair soaking wet,your soaked black dress clinging to your body as you stood above her grave.everyone had left already.you were scared to go home.scared of what he would do to you,so you stood in the rain till the police were called,and you were taken back home"minho says,frowning at what he recalls.

"last.i saw the night you summoned me.you watched me put the rug back,and you watched me climb up on your dresser.a blanket of saftey washed over you,and for the first time in years,you slept peacefully,finally feeling safe in your own home"minho says as he squeezes my hands.

i nervously bite my lip and look down."im sorry you had to see all that.and im sorry for what you will see in the future"i mutter.

"i should be sorry too.what you will see is horrible.i dont think there is anything i can do to prepare you to see what you will see.i just want you to know that it is not me anymore.im not like that now."minho says,and i nod my head.

"okay little bunny.get more rest,your eyes are still glazed over"minho says as he lays me back down."im not tired though"i counter as i sit up again.

"you need to sleep more"he says as he pushes me back down."no"i say as i grab his hands and push against them,and scoot away from his reach.

i jump over the back of the couch,and rush down the hall,minho calling after me.

i open a door,and slip in,silently closing the door and running to hide behind the opposite side of the bed."can i help you?"seungmin asks.

"hiding from minho.he wants me to rest more,but im not tired"i say simply as i slide to the floor.he hums in acknowledgment.

"minho!she is in here!"he calls out as he turns back to his book.i gasp out and push myself under his bed.

"where is she"minho says as he opens the door."under the bed"i watch as minho kneels down and looks me in the eye.

"youre being a child"he says simply."i dont care"i giggle out as i watch him try to reach me.

i shimmy back a little as his fingers graze my sides."you won't get me"i tease in a sing song voice.he narrows his eyes at me.

"okay.little bunny.how about you just sit in the livingroom and rest.you don't have to sleep"minho offers.

i click my tongue in thought,then shake my head."i don't wanna"i say as i cross my arms.

he sighs out as he pinches his eyes shut."you really are a handful,huh?"he laughs out as he pinches the bridge of his nose.

"depends"i mutter with a small smile.i watch as minho stands up and walks to the door,calling in chan.

"help me get her out from under the bed.she is like a goddamn cat"minho grumbles as he enters the room with chan.

"jisoo,come on.get out from under the bed"chan laughs out.i go to climb out from under the bed,but my vision goes black.

i see minho as a young boy,running through white and cream colored halls.

"dori!come on!gotta go faster!"he calls out to the small cat just steps behind him.i watch as he bursts into a room with red and orange walls,climbing under the bed to find the two other cats.

i gasp as my vision comes back and i see minho above me.

his eyes shoot to mine,and he sighs out."what happened?"he asks."i had another vision thing"i say as i sit up slowly,repeatedly blinking my eyes to adjusts to the lights.

"you were out for 3 hours"he breaths out."i got the rest you told me to,then"i say with a small smile.he chuckles and shakes his head.

"what did you see this time?"woojin asks as he sits on the corner of my bed.i pull minho to sit down too,and scoot over a little bit.

"i saw you when you were probably around 7?8 years old?you were running down white and cream halls.a marble floor that had no signs of any stains or scuffing.dori was running behind you,following you to,i think your room."i say

"you climbed under the bed and layed with soonie and doongie,dori slipping under the bed right after you did"i add on."thats all i saw this time"i conclude as i look up to minho,catching sight of a small,fond smile.

"you were a cute kid,minho.i mean,just absolutly adorable"i say as i nudge his arm with my elbow.he smirks."of course i was"he says confidently.

"get out,you over confident piece of crap"i laugh out as i push him off my bed.

[hellopromusic]

Itoshima Distance 

Lyrics: Mari-Joe Composition: Hoshibe Sho  Arrangement, Keyboard, Programming: Okubo Kaoru  Violin, Viola: Muroya Kouichiro  Alto and Tenor Saxophone: Takegami Yoshinari  Chorus: ANGERME, M!ho  

I'm using the another version because I feel it evokes the feel of the song better. Its very date like and has imagery from Kyushuuu, including a lot of things mentioned in the lyrics. Read the lyrics, then watch the video... this really is great stuff.

History

This song was in the the debut single of 4th generation member Kamikokuryo Moe and the last single to feature 2nd generation member Tamura Meimi.

As Itoshima is a city in Fukuoka Prefecture, the lyrics "suitou to" (好いとうと) and "yaken" (やけん) in "Itoshima Distance" are of the local Hakata dialect.

Some Landmarks in the Song

Kego Park 

Cosmos are Autumn flowers that bloom at Nokoshima Island 

Tenjin is a busy downtown section of Fukuoka City 

This is a song that came out when I had gone back to school and was not hardcore into H!P. I first heard it like a year ago. The outfits for the video and the music really cemented this song as one I would love forever. It was also one of the songs that helped relieve my "Tsunku stepping down" tension as I discovered Sho could make great songs as well. He can not replicate that "Tsunku" flavor, but Sho's songs were really good. Sho has blessed Angerme with some great songs, between him and Takui Angerme's post "Exclusively - Tsunku" discography is very nice.

Anyways this song makes me nostalgic for a place I've never been. Making me long to do activities I've never done, and drive in my car with a lover I've yet to meet. This could have been a super sexy kayokyoku song if it were slowed down a bit and they switched up the instrumentation. Mari-Joe's lyrics are great, but to get that kayo feel, there needs to be less words, but that’s neither here nor there... my pipe dreams, lol.

Song structure

The song is in f minor. The BPM is 120, and the time signature is 4/4. 

Intro Pre-verse 1 - Song's melodic theme Verse A1 - Doushita no Verse B1 - Chotto Matte Pre-Chorus 1 - Itsumo Chorus A1 - Suitou to Chorus B1 - Suitou to Pre-Verse 2 - Slutty Sax solo Verse A2 Verse B2 Pre-chorus 2 Chorus A2 Chorus B2 Bridge - Teasing Sax solo Chorus A3 Chorus B3 Pre-verse 3 - Song's melodic theme Outro

Lyrics

This song embodies too little too late. The protagonist in this song is a girl getting broken up with... Its that kind of sad song. So on a car ride home, the boyfriend breaks up with the protagonist and as they ride home. Her mind is filled with regret and denial. She remembers only the good times and likely has no recollection of the things that made the boyfriend want to break up. She believes in her heart of hearts that if the boyfriend remembers the goodtimes, he will choose her again.

I'm not sure if they live in Fukuoka City and are traveling to Itoshima, or the other way around. But  I, personally, love the image of a country girl being impressed by going to the big city and have a date, a little udon, some karaoke, like its a big deal. Then going home feeling like she was a city slicker and wanting to shake the country life. So I'm voting for them living in Itoshima. However all the Japanse fans seem to say they are on a trip to Itoshima, but in the end, it doesn't matter.

One of my favorite lines is when she talks about how she has looked through the car window so many times, seeing beautiful things, showing the window was a conduit for joy. But now in the reflection of the same window she now sees a person she loves, but doesn't recognize... oh its poetic. Its like, she associates so many good memories with the window, I guess they take trips often. But now, currently, at the moment, the window is a conduit for pain.

Composition and Arrangement

Instruments in the track are the piano, bongos, saxophone, strings, guitar, bass guitar. To paraphrase the great Maa-chan, You should give the instrumentals a listen from time to time. This one is great.

In this song I have less "oh that part was great" and its just overall a top tier song in my mind. I like all the parts and every section has at least 2 or 3 things I like. I would be here all day listing them. But if I had to pick a crowning moment of awesome, its the melody in the verses. It ebbs and flows like the waves crashing on an Itoshiman beach... That 7th and 8th bar in each of the two verses... just yes... Then they lead to that perfect rhythm on  "Itsumo." These guys are playing for keeps. I'm a huge fan of singing naturals in melodies, they give this sort tension that I love prolonging. Well in this melody they sprinkle a couple in for the music wotas like me. Probably my favorite use of it is in the chorus when they are singing the natural 3rd on Omoidashite (the "i") and Ano Machi parts (the "ma"). This is an example of "if the song was slower and had less lyrics" I would have loved it more. That natural 3rd could have been so much more satisfying, but instead its just (a very welcome) part of a vocal movement in the melody.

The song is sonically spacious. It feels as if there are only like 3 instruments playing at a time, so its not over crowded with musical ideas. The most prominent feature is the bassline that is just throbbing with sass. Sometimes there is more, but it just feel open like a trio and I appreciate that openess.

I don't think I've ever really talked about my musical foundation, but I come to music from (largely) Jazz and Video Game Music. My Jazz roots give me an affinity for live musicians in both performance and recording. I love lots of programmed stuff (ie. VGM), but a composition really shines when its played by live musicians. Which is why contemporary VGM is at a kind of apex for me (but that’s a conversation for another time). Anyways, whenever a Hello!Project song uses live musicians to record a part, it really makes me stand up and listen. In this song, Takegami Yoshinari came and laid down some sax solos for the song and it really shines because of it. It might be the most distinguishing sonic factor of the song. I heard other fans complain when Tsunku uses the same "sax riff" in multiple songs, well this one is all original and bespoke for the song. I'm sure H!P usually shys away from live musicians because its more expensive to tour with musicians and playing tracks for the girls lets them get used to the same musical experience. Anyways, even if its just in recording, I appreciate the live musicians in my pop music. Another reason to love H!P.

The strings are live as well by Muroya Kouichiro. A lot of the string's "emotion" that’s in this song are much better live, as opposed to synthesized. The way the notes are blended and stretched... these are the benefits of live musicians (not decrying programmed music, just highlighting the benefits of live musicians). The harmonies the violin and the viola play could be replicated with a synth (keyboard), but the uniform technique for both parts they play could not be replicated on the keyboard. For example, all throughout the songs the strings have these quick Glissandos to end the phrases where they start on one note and finish like a 3rd or a 5th lower in the span of one beat. In the first verse listen to the strings while Kanonon sings "Oshiyoseru," it does what I'm talking about. That sort of flourish is all throughout the song in the strings and it a bit difficult to synthesize, you only get those flairs from live musicians. The drums are programmed, but having a live percussionist would have pushed this to the max for me. But this is pop music and they are trying to appeal to the masses, not aural slutz like me, lol.

Also a word on M!ho, she has been featured on many a Sho song (not that she works exclusively with him or anything), and she makes an appearance in the background of many parts of this song including the Pre-verse (usually singing the "Ah"s and "Ooh"s). I think tonally, no one could match her in Angerme. In addition, M!ho is a professional, and it was probably MUCH quicker and easier to have her do those other harmonies. M!ho's vocal control is much stronger than any of the girls in the group (save probably Meimei).

Anyways, this review is just more of my fanboy ramblings...  My guilty pleasure...

Omake!

Found this thread on a Matome. DISCLAIMER: I'm no professional translate, if you see I made a mistake instead of ridiculing me, help me get better! I've left the Japanese for those who can read it, and those that can't have to suffer through my translations guwahaha~ Also this was translated after I wrote my review, so any similarities are coincidental.

48: 名無し募集中。。。＠＼(^o^)／

A song about a woman from Kyushuu's countryside (around Kumamoto?) who left Fukuoka city with a guy to go on a date in Itoshima, huh?

I suppose that in old school Enka there was often a situation where a woman from Northern Japan was leaving Tokyo and I wonder if we are in a period where women are leaving Fukuoka City.

九州の田舎（熊本あたり？）から福岡に出てきたな女が彼と糸島にデートしてたという歌だな 昔の演歌は北国から東京に出て来た女と相場が決まってたが 福岡に出て来た女というのが時代かなと思う

87: 名無し募集中。。。＠＼(^o^)／

>>48 At the moment there likely are a lot of Kyushuu women leaving Fukuoka city 今福岡に出てくる九州の女って多いらしいな

________________________________

96: 名無し募集中。。。＠＼(^o^)／

Even though its a song about Itoshima, somehow they didn't say the names of any of Itoshima's places... Kego Park and Nokoshima Island are right by Fukuoka City

糸島の歌なのに同地の地名が出てこないってどういうことだ？ 警固公園や能古島は隣りの福岡市だぞ

115: 名無し募集中。。。＠＼(^o^)／

>>96

This couple lives in Fukuoka and often was driving to Itoshima The protagonist remembered this retrospection of when they were enroute to Kego Park, Nokoshima Island, etc...

このカップルは福岡在住で糸島までよくドライブしていた その回想の途中に警固公園や能古島も行っていたことを思い出した

148: 名無し募集中。。。＠＼(^o^)／

>>115

If thats the case, even though they traveled to Kego park and Nokoshima Island, it would have been good if they would of incorporated Keya no Ooto (in itoshima), Marutaike Park (in itoshima, they also have an illumination event as well), or Meoto Iwa into the song.

だったら芥屋の大門、丸田池公園、夫婦岩を盛り込めばいいのに

__________________________

97: 名無し募集中。。。＠＼(^o^)／

Doesn't this song give more the impression of pop from the late 80's early 90's more than what they call Kayokyoku.

歌謡曲というよりは80年代末期から90年代初頭のポップスって印象

____________________________________________

267: 名無し募集中。。。＠＼(^o^)／

As opposed to Akina, isn't this closer to that area before Shouno Mayo, Kubota Saki, etc...? 明菜より前の庄野真代��か久保田早紀とかあの辺じゃないかね？

(Not gonna lie, I'm so excited I found some new Artists to research! Kubota Saki looks like BAE ver. 1.2.0)

[713-4th-ward-g]

1 - 1OO 🤪

 this is so wild but i can’t sleep so ima give this a try lmao

1. A selfie? i dont like taking pictures

2. How old are you? im 22

3. What is your birthday? september 4th

4. What is your zodiac sign? ima virgo

5. What is your favorite color? blue or gold 

6. What’s your lucky number? my lucky number is 4

7. Do you have any pets? i had two dogs but one of them died 

8. Where are you from? im from houston, texas 

9. How tall are you? im like 5 foot 7 inchs maybe a lil more taller

10. What shoe size are you? ima size 10

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own? shit before 2 years ago i only had 2 pairs of shoes but now i have 10 talk about the come up

12. What was your last dream about? damn i aint even going to lie. last night i had a dream of my tio luis who jus died. it started wit me in the kitchen and i heard some one knocking at the backdoor and when i opened it, it was my tio luis. and i stared in shocc like i couldn’t believe it. i told him in spanish how can you be here you died.. and he said no mijo im right here - as he laughs and enters- then i call my mom over and she started to cry right at his feet.. and im still just looking at him like hoping it wasnt a dream that if i wake up he’d be here.. and my uncle was just talking to me in spanish and im still there in the kitchen so happy that i can hear his voice again.. and im looking at him in his eyes and i see life like i see him so happy joking around.. he brought stuff from the dollar store.. like he always did.. and i swear i wanted to low key cry my eyes got watery when he finally started to leave through the back door. he just said “mijo ima go to sleep” and i didnt want to let him go to sleep. but he said “ i have to go im sleepy” then i hear him laughing as he closes the backdoor like he always did at nights..

13. What talents do you have? i am very talented in basketball 

14. Are you psychic in any way? i in no way have any psychic bone in my body haha.

15. Favorite song? i have so many favorite songs by tupac i cant pick but i would always listen to unconditional love by tupac

16. Favorite movie? my favorite movie is john q hahaha id hold up a hospital for my kid shitt

17. Who would be your ideal partner? someone who is compassionate and humble. she has to at least have those two charecteristics

18. Do you want children? i want 4 kids

19. Do you want a church wedding? i dont really want to have a weeding but if my wife would want one id do it.

20. Are you religious? yes but the way im living i cannot be one to preach. 

21. Have you ever been to the hospital? i have been to the hospital because i was having horrible chest pains

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law? yeah i came across a few bitch ass cops. 

23. Have you ever met any celebrities? i met carlos mencia and k-rino

24. Baths or showers? showers definitely 

25. What color socks are you wearing? black socks 

26. Have you ever been famous? never been but i wouldn’t want to be known at all i rather stay in the background haha

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity? i honestly wouldn’t want to be. i cant stand having so many people looking up to me and having the world all in my business. 

28. What type of music do you like? rap, oldies, soul music, and depends on some rock songs.

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping? never and i will never do it lmao.

30. How many pillows do you sleep with? 8 pillows

31. What position do you usually sleep in? i sleep wit a whole bunch of pillows in one corner of my bed sleeping on my back

32. How big is your house? it isnt big at all 

33. What do you typically have for breakfast? i dont eat breakfast.

34. Have you ever fired a gun? i have fired a lot of guns

35. Have you ever tried archery? i am a natural at it lol i swear in high school the gym teacher wanted to put me on the team but i didnt want to commit to it.

36. Favorite clean word? would either be “interesting” or “ ridiculous “

37. Favorite swear word?i say fucc a lot but my favorite would be saying son of a bitch

38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep? 3 or 4 days 

39. Do you have any scars? i have a scar on my shoulder where a bullet graced me and i have a scar on my left arm where i left the led from bullet shrapnel in it wit some glass because i didnt want to tweeze it out. its just some white spots on my left arm 

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer? i wish ya boy never even had a valentine before

41. Are you a good liar? i could be but i would rather not lie. it saves me from havin to remember a lie.

42. Are you a good judge of character? i would say im right most of the time about a person. i told noe not to fuck with playboy luis and noe didnt listen and playboy snitched out noe and now they both locked up in garza east pen

43. Can you do any other accents other than your own? i have done a british accent, i have done the Ugandan knuckles do you know the way accent, i have done cholo accent before lmao. im actually ridiculously good at the cholo accent.

44. Do you have a strong accent? some times i do but for the most part i do not.

45. What is your favorite accent? spanish accent 

46. What is your personality type? ima caring person that has a quick fuse and isnt afraid to speak what i feel about anything. oh and i like to joke around a lot.

47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing? i own some gucci flip flops thats the most expesive clothing i ever own haha. 

48. Can you curl your tongue? i can do a taco wit my tongue

49. Are you an innie or an outie? what does this mean ? lmao. im so confused. but if this means if i like being inside than go out i would be inbetween. i go out when i want to get stuff out my mind.

50. Left or right handed? right handed

51. Are you scared of spiders? i hate them and i will kill them on sight.

52. Favorite food? chicken and potatoes i live off of them

53. Favorite foreign food? i havent expirienced curry yet and definetly not enough foreign food but i only tried chiniese and vietniese food. 

54. Are you a clean or messy person? both lmao. when im depressed i just throw stuff around but when im back to normal i be like hella clean and i like to reoganize stuff.

55. Most used phrased? “get em outta here coach” or “koooobe”

56. Most used word? “wtf” that counts as one word lol.

57. How long does it take for you to get ready? 30 minutes

58. Do you have much of an ego? i do not have any kind of ego and im grateful for it,

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops? bite i literally bite cough drops and my homie told me you’re told thats not how you’re suppose to take them .

60. Do you talk to yourself? i actually have caught myself talking to myself a lot of times lmao.

61. Do you sing to yourself? i sing/rap a few songs

62. Are you a good singer? i am terrible at it

63. Biggest Fear? my biggest fear is not being happy 

64. Are you a gossip? i dont like gossiping at all.

65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen? double jeopardy 

66. Do you like long or short hair? depends on how short the girl has it and how long. but for the most part i would say long.

67. Can you name all 50 states of America? i can do up to like 20

68. Favorite school subject? math and science

69. Extrovert or Introvert? im an ambivert which is both extrovert and introvert. 

70. Have you ever been scuba diving? no i haven't but i wish i could have when i was at florida

71. What makes you nervous? sendin a risky text lmao idk.

72. Are you scared of the dark? no but my house is haunted tho i got used to shit missing and popping up again. the previous owners were devil worshipers and had pentagram and goat blood on the walls of the ceiling 

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes? no, i dont want to emberass the person if they say something dumb but if thet did something that needs to be addressed then yeah ima say something

74. Are you ticklish? kind of

75. Have you ever started a rumor? i started a lot of rumors that celeberties are dead when really i meant they career is dead lmao.

76. Have you ever been in a position of authority? idk what this means 

77. Have you ever drank underage? hell yeah my uncle used to pass me beer when i was 7 years old

78. Have you ever done drugs? i have done xanax, lean, and smoke weed

79. Who was your first real crush? some girl name stephanie in kindergarden haahaaha if that dont count then a girl name yahaira hahahaa i had a crush on her since 1st grade and dated her in 8th grade but i got expelled from the school and lost contact wit her.

80. How many piercings do you have? 0

81. Can you roll your Rs?“ im columbian and mexican of course haha

82. How fast can you type? apparently not fast enough ahahaha

83. How fast can you run? bfore i gained a lot of weight i could run pretty fast 

84. What color is your hair? black

85. What color is your eyes? brown

86. What are you allergic to? im allergic to hay it gives me rashes haha. oh an tomatoes. 

87. Do you keep a journal? no but i wish i did cause it would be therapeutic 

88. What do your parents do? work

89. Do you like your age? hell no i feel way to old i miss being young.

90. What makes you angry? when someone lies

91. Do you like your own name? i honor my name lmao im named after two people

92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they? Xavier and mia for the most part

93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child? i want whatever God gives me.

94. What are you strengths? i dont give up easily i am determined and i am competetive 

95. What are your weaknesses? i overthink and can be a bit negative.

96. How did you get your name? my dad named me after his brother an himself

97. Were your ancestors royalty? hell nah 

98. Do you have any scars? on my shoulder and left arm

99. Color of your bedspread?blue

100. Color of your room? blue