#<- obviously but the need to scream this like a mantra is extremely

[iwouldntstopforaredlight]

Okay so here’s the Ted Lasso theory that no one asked for that I just can’t seem to let go of: I think the crux of this season is Ted’s fear that he is becoming his father.

Wow I know that seems like it comes out of nowhere, but hear me out. The show has been showing Ted’s drinking increasing slowly but steadily as the series continues. It’s been subtle, but there have been moments where it’s felt important that Ted’s drinking be noticed by the viewer. It felt as though this peaked in this episode (2x07), an inordinate division of time seemed to be allocated to the scene of Ted in the pub drinking that second beer; relying on alcohol to soften a hard day. But this wasn’t the only mention of Ted’s drinking in 2x07. While the reference was hidden within a typical folksie Ted story that leaves the audience unsure of how seriously they should take it, he mentions passing out after drinking too much beer while watching citizen Kane during his story about two day old stew. Now, I don’t know if I’m reading too much into this BUT if you look at coach Beard’s face in that moment, he doesn’t look amused like he usually does at Teds antics. He almost looks concerned. Unusual for someone who’s generally shown to be so very in tune with what Ted means.

But what does this mean? Well, I think it might be connected to Ted’s therapy and his father.

Now, we don’t know too much about Ted’s dad. All we know is that he died when Ted was 16, and that he used to take Ted to a sports bar with him every weekend until he passed away. It’s really not too much to go on. So what else do we know? Well we know that Ted hates therapists, he doesn’t believe they genuinely care about/are able to help their patients—so much so that he becomes enraged when simply talking to Dr. Sharon, something very out of character for him. We also know he goes above and beyond to make people feel good and heard when he speaks to them, so much of his charm seems to be his desire to share a genuine connection with everybody he meets. Also interestingly in this episode was his very vocal dedication to ‘never give up on anything’. And this wasn’t the first time we’ve heard this mantra. He mentioned it when he agreed to the divorce with Michelle—one of the most emotional scenes we’ve seen of Ted to date. But how does this all tie together?

‘Believe’ he tells the team. ‘I believe in believe.’ To believe so passionately in belief, who did you have to see fail without it? What did you have to go through with only belief to get you through?

Well … and bear with me here … I think when he was 16, Ted’s father may have committed suicide.

It just seems understandable that in the event of his Dad’s death in this way, Ted felt abandoned and let down by his father. It would even make sense of his anger towards therapy if his father (and/or he himself as a child/his mother) received therapy that Ted views as having had no impact on them; let down when he needed it most by help that didn’t help. ‘I promise you, there is something worse out there than being sad, and that is being a l o n e and being sad.’ How many times have we heard Ted utter the words ‘I appreciate you’. Over and over again, never allowing anyone to doubt their importance or their contribution. And what did he say to Beard: “I love meeting people's moms. It’s like reading an instruction manual as to why they're nuts”.

I even think this may be the cause of his panic attacks too. Now I know the first panic attack we see Ted having was to do with his divorce, but what we (and Ted) heard underneath ‘let it go’ (a song from a CHILDS movie) was not Michelle’s voice, but Henry’s … the son he feels he is abandoning. Now if he still views himself as having abandoned his son, and his drinking is increasing it wouldn’t be too much of a stretch to imagine he’s beginning to see similarities between himself and his father. I know I’m making quite a big assumption about his fathers drinking habits, but in all honesty, who else would take a 10 year old child to a sports bar EVERY weekend? (I think there may be a ‘father was a coach’ (… Led Tasso anyone?) element to it too—the darts, the way Jamies fathers screaming so obviously effected and stuck with him, the way he was scared while winning that match, ‘you may think you’re the only one who can see who he really is, but you’re not’—but it hasn’t quite clicked for me yet the way everything else has). The second panic attack I initially believed to be stress related, and I do still believe that, but what if it hit deeper than that. Again the voice playing through his head is not a soundbite about how Richmond needs to win to make it back into the premier league, but rather it’s a memory of Jamie’s father angrily telling him ‘you’re better than that!’, followed by Henry’s awed voice when meeting Jamie. Fathers and sons, and sons and their fathers … always at the heart of his panic.

Even Nate’s storyline itself this season, filled with so much anger and change, seems to be centring around the impact of Nate’s father’s actions on Nates perception of himself and his own actions. It just … well … it seems to coincidental for a show that seems to value its characters so dearly.

When he’s talking to Dr. Sharon, he mentions the ‘gory details’ of his life: ‘the fights, the mistakes, [his] deep dark secrets’. Again I don’t believe he’s talking about Michelle. Not wholly. There seems to be too much tied up in his ability to coach, protect, and connect. His assertion multiple times that ‘wins don’t matter’ when talking with Beard earlier in the series personifies this. Ted is in coaching for the people, not the wins, so why would the potential of a loss or win impact him so much. I feel like I may be reaching again, but still, with the show making the connections between fathers and sons in his panic attack during the game, it makes me think that this mentality, and the way he views coaching, is connected to his father.

A reason for him to so desperately hold onto a lack of significance around the usual primary objective of his profession would seem to be exposure to the negative side of the consequences of that world of thought. Ted views a single minded desire to win as a negative. He values player mental health above all else. I just can’t let the feeling go that this is extremely significant, more so than Ted just being the genuine guy he is. I think people who feel this way to this extreme, in these circumstances especially in this profession, usually have a serious reason why. I think Ted blames himself. I think Ted blames his father. I think he’s pushed it down more than he ever thought. And I think it’s all coming up now.

Now that he’s caring about winning. Now that (in his mind) he’s left his son behind. Left his wife behind. Left his responsibilities behind. And he can’t burden anyone with those feelings. Because he feels it’s his job to make sure no one ever feels that burden again.

[datsrightbby]

Poly!Lost Boys x s/o!Reader

All is Fair in Love and War

Warnings: NSFW/Smut, jealous!Boys, honestly this is just filth, pure filth, you’ve been warned. Oh, also the reader is gender neutral. Oral, penetration, e.g e.g (:

Hey guys, sorry I haven’t posted much these past few days I’ve been a little ummm ✨depressed✨ but hopefully I’m back on track now, thankyou for your patience w me, I send kisses mwah ❤️

It didn't matter what you told them, they were never going to be okay with it. Recently someone new had moved next door to you, which was fine, or at least would have been if he wasn't a flirty blonde surfer with tattoos and abs. You had your boys, you didn't even notice him, but they did. They noticed every little stare he sent your way, how he had the nerve to greet you on the boardwalk as you were making out with one of them, how he found excuses to come over to yours when the boys were conveniently not there. And to be quite frank, they hated his guts. For many reasons, but the fact that he was extremely fond of you (to say the least) was probably top of the list. Sure, they trusted you it was the muscled, sunkissed surfer who had wondering eyes and a cocky attitude that they didn't trust, it was only a matter of time before they lost their shit.

  Which happened to be tonight...when they pulled up he was exiting your house, a toolbox in hand and you on the other. Though your attention was brought to them the minute their roaring bikes subsided and, to their amusement, you abandoned the man beside you in hopes of greeting your boys with kisses and hugs, which they happily accepted with smirks and passionate touches. Maybe they could let that go, he was obviously helping you fix the leaky sink in your kitchen, maybe, just maybe they could have let that go. But, the minute they walked in your place it reeked of his scent, he was everywhere, and he was on you.

Vampire instincts took over, you were their mate, the love of their lives, and another mans scent enveloped you like a blanket, all they could see was red and all they could feel was jealousy, and a deep rooted possessiveness over you that had been toyed with. 

***

"He's just a friend!"

"Friends don't look at you like that (y/n)!"

"Well, what do you want me to do David? He's my neighbor."

"Maybe we've just gotta remind you of your place." 

He sent you a dark look and you peered over to the other guys who had opted to stay out of the argument but deemed that they were on Davids's side regardless. David's hands went to grab you, pulling you against him, a gloved hand coming up to rest on your cheek -

"If he's not gonna get the message, then maybe we've gotta give him a little extra reminder that you're ours only."

The minute the words left his lips your body tensed, immediate dirty thoughts contaminating your mind and body - 

"I've got an idea."

Marko looked at you expectantly, a thumb in his mouth and a smirk quirking at the corner of his lips, mischievousness was written in his eyes and you took a deep breath as you waited on his next words - 

"I say we mark you up."

Admittedly you'd thought he meant hickies, though the look he shared with David told you otherwise, they shared a knowing, sinister stare, eyes clouded with wickedness as they turned their attention back on you. At once it seemed the boys surrounded you, Dwayne was behind you caressing your sides, while Marko and Paul made it a team effort to undress you, and David watched with a smirk, taking a seat on the end of the bed. Once the boys had their fun pinching and teasing you David made his way over, standing in front of you, eyes raking over your bare form, unconsciously you attempted to cover yourself just the slightest, the gazes of four men on you having an effect over you that you didn't want to admit out loud. Hands came around your body to stop the actions though, Dwayne's lips on your shoulder and neck as he attempted to stop any insecurity seep in -

"You're beautiful, don't worry."

His sweet praises were met with a hard look from David, who had other plans in mind apparently. Gesturing to the bed, both Dwayne and yourself headed over, laying comfortable with your back to his chest, while David leaned over you, a thumb and finger holding your jaw in place as your eyes met his -

"Yeah don't worry about it sweetheart, You'll soon know your place is with us and us only...hmm?"

There were many ways you could have defended yourself, though words appeared to leave your vernacular entirely as you processed the situation, Marko walking over to you and sinking to his knees with ease. You leaned back against Dwayne's chest, his lips whispering praises and sins as Marko's tongue worked along you, using his spit as lube and digging his nails into your thighs, enough to hurt, but not break the skin. Paul was impatient, hands shifting from his lap to your body in seconds, pinching and teasing your nipples and any exposed skin he could get to. His leg moves up and down excitedly, the state of you displayed out on Dwayne as Marko was between your legs having him yearning for his own pleasure. David watched, dark eyes luring over your vulnerable state. Your peak was approaching quickly, having the four of them desire you so badly, Marko's mouth working against you in every which way he knew you loved, Paul's hands all over you, and Dwayne's deep, sultry voice low in your ear - 

"I'm gonna cum, please don't stop I'm gonna -"

"You can only cum if you're loud for us."

You whined and moved your hips against Marko's mouth, adding that bit more of extra friction that had your head falling back onto Dwayne's shoulder and your legs twitching with anticipation - 

"He'll pull away if you're not loud for us (y/n). Let us hear, let...him hear you. "

You did as told, letting out a string of moans, whines, and whimpers as Marko helped you through it, holding your hips and legs still as you convulsed and shook underneath him. Dwayne kissed your neck, teeth grazing the area, and Paul went about letting himself free and stroking himself as he watched you come undone, Marko eating up every little bit of you he could get until you had to physically pry him away with your hands. As you came back to your senses you looked over to David, who yanked Marko from in between you harshly, lips in a dirty smirk as he leaned down to whisper in your ear -

"I'm gonna fuck you. And when I fuck you I want you to be so loud the neighbors hear you, I'm gonna have you feeling so full you'll feel me inside you for weeks after, can you do that for me? Can you be loud for me?"

The nod you gave him came eagerly, more so than you'd care to admit, and your heart hammered in your chest as he freed his cock from its restraints and stroked himself a few times, the action having you moaning out loud purely because of how hot he looked doing it, he teased your entrance, dipping in slightly only to pull away, teasing you and loving your reactions as he did so, you could hear Marko and Paul's snicker from beside you, how needy and desperate you were amusing them  -

"What do you want (Y/n)?" 

His tone mocked you, your needs painfully obvious and the smell of sex heavy in the air -

"I need you -"

"Need me to what?"

You threw your head against Dwayne's shoulder, once again, in frustration, his lips moving to kiss the side of your head and murmur to you how you weren't gonna get anything until you said it out loud - 

"I need you to fuck me David...please."

Your eyes pleaded with him and he took pity on you, your body slick in sweat and aching for him, he could never resist you. Without breaking eye contact he situated himself deep inside you, the stretch eliciting a moan, and your hands reaching to hold Dwayne's in support. David set a rough pace, hips meeting yours in a bruising hold, his hands went to your thighs, holding them over his shoulders and the angle had your back arching and eyes rolling to the back of your head if it weren't for Dwayne holding you still you're sure you'd be thoroughly fucked into the mattress of your bed.

“Do I feel good kitten? Can anyone else fuck you like this?”

Humming, you used your feet to bring David deeper into you, the thickness of his cock inside you must be what ecstasy feels like. He didn’t need, or even want an answer from you, the pure look of rapture on your face told him everything.

You were conscious enough to move your hand behind you to play with Dwayne who grunted in your ear and moved his hips up enough to give you access to the bulge in his jeans, Paul and Marko were either side of you, touching themselves to a similar pace David was fucking you at, it was hard to concentrate, your eyes switched from Dwayne's side profile to David above you, to Paul and Marko stroking themselves, their pre-cum dripping onto your stomach.

  Paul was the first to finish himself off, having been worked up enough from watching you get pleasured, his cum dripping out deliciously from his cock, painting your stomach, he used a finger to scoop some up and bring it to your lips, an action that would seem disgusting and unappealing otherwise, but at the moment was erotic and sexy. Marko was soon after, his cum coming out in spurts and once again falling onto your stomach with Pauls, decorating it with his own seed and scent. David's hips sped up, his high approaching and using you to get him there, his hands let go of your thighs, letting them fall to the side of him as he leaned above you with a hand supporting his weight and set a brutal pace, you couldn't focus your attention on Dwayne anymore, his cock now set free by himself and him taking over your previous actions of jerking him off. Your second orgasm hit you suddenly, the coil in your stomach had been so tightly wound for ages you forgot about the snap of it, and once it did you shook uncontrollably, lips screaming out a mantra and curses and moans and a mix of all the boys names, you couldn't think straight or feel anything over than the warm shock waves of pleasure raking through your body.

David pulled out of your spent body, finishing himself off on your skin and staining it with his cum, in a moment Dwayne had you underneath him, his cock inches above your face and you salivated, opening your mouth unconsciously, but he didn’t give you the pleasure of sucking him off, instead he came all over your face and neck, the final touch to their marking of you. 

Their scent was embedded in you, their touches still lingered on your skin, and their cum lay thickly on your body, the most possessive part of all of this was having you smothered in them, not only that, but you’re sure, with how loud you were, that your neighbour and the rest of Santa Carla was all too aware of what exactly went down, though it wasn’t in you at the moment to care. Your legs were numb in spent stimulation, your eyes drooped with exhaustion, your mind couldn’t focus on anything, David had fucked you out - 

“we love you babe, you know that right?”

All you could manage was a soft smile and a nod, Paul went to hold you and cuddle into your side, actively avoiding the mess all over you, Marko went to the other side of you, while Dwayne went into the bathroom and started you a bath, David just peered down at you, lighting a cigarette -

“Good. And I hope he knows it too.”

“Did Dwayne give you hickies?”

Paul’s finger poked around at your neck and you watched his face break out in a grin -

“He didn’t I -”

You felt the spot Paul was touching suddenly hurt as he put a little pressure to it, a gasp escaping your lips -

“DWAYNE!”

[dracofeltonmalfoy]

Cute Babies

Pairing: Draco x Y/N

Warnings: Swearing, mention of deaths, angst and fluff

Word Count: 5266

A/N: Baldy, no nose voldy doesn’t exist, Snape has a niece and his father is in this story. Also Lucius is nice.

This was a request, @bbeauttyybbx hope you like it hun! xxx

“Malfoy, if you DO NOT move out of my way, I will kick you in your groin like I did exactly 2 months ago and poor old Parkinson as well as the 6 other girls you were entertaining at the time were not able to get their sexual satisfaction from you and you weren’t able to piss without your dick hurting, so Mr Malfoy if you don’t want that to happen again I suggest you MOVE!” She screamed in Draco’s face. For a 5’2 girl who looks very angelic with her Y/H/L Y/H/C hair and shiny Y/E/C eyes, she sure was intimidating when she was angry, but the only person who found her anger very amusing and a form of entertainment was the platinum haired, 5’9, grey eyed boy, Draco Malfoy.

“Y/L/N, let's not make that mistake again, hmm? You know very well you only did that because you were jealous you weren’t in their place and to be very honest with you, you...will...never be. Just look at yourself, no fashion sense, so short and have been with every boy our age in slytherin. Do you think I’d really go for a girl like you?” Draco whispered in her ear, this was enough for Y/N to, once again, knee him, but before she could he grabbed her wrist and spun her around so her back was now against his chest and her arm twisted behind her. “No, darling. Don’t you dare try that again.”

“Malfoy, let me go or I swear I will hex you.”

“Try,”

“Malfoy, I’m going to say it again, let me go.”

“Hmmm, I’ll let you go, but only if you do one thing.”

“Oh hell no, I am not doing anything for you Malfoy, we can stand her for as long as you want then and be late to potions, but I am not doing anything you tell me too. And anyways, Snape loves me more than you, he is my mother’s brother after all.”

“Your wish is my command Y/L/N.” Draco’s grip on Y/N’s arm was getting tighter and tighter and Y/N knew she was going to have a print of his fingers on her arm, but there was no way she was going to tell him that he was hurting her. “Come on Y/L/N, it’s obvious you’re hurting, why don’t you listen to the deal.” She stood there quietly, giving no response, resulting in Draco tightening his grip even more, but this time using his free hand to grab her chin and turning it sideways so he could see her face. “Dump Zabini.” he breathed out

“Are you having a laugh Malfoy? Why would I dump my boyfriend because you told me to, not to mention my boyfriend of 2 years?”

“You answered your own question darling, because I told you to. And i’ll tell ya something else, right now, this very second Zabini is shagging your best friend in the broom cupboard.” after saying that the platinum haired boy let her out of his grip.

“Oh you’ve crossed the line Malfoy, you have crossed the fucking line.”

“I knew you wouldn’t believe me, let’s go to potions and see where your beloved boyfriend and best friend are shall we?”

“Go suck a dick, you git!”

Y/N ran to potions, her heart pounding and her head spinning. She stopped outside her class to see that Malfoy was right, both Blaise and Pansy were missing. “Told you so.” Malfoy whispered in her ear before entering the class.

“Mr Malfoy…oh and Y/N, why are you two so late?” Snape asked firmly, but before any more words were spoken, Y/N ran to the broom cupboard. Breathless, she whipped the door open to see her boyfriend, ex-boyfriend and best friend, ex-best friend all over each other.

“My grandfather will definitely be hearing about this, but for now MY UNCLE WILL HEAR ABOUT THIS! YOU FILTHY LITTLE PEASANTS! HOW FUCKING DARE YOU TWO? HOW DARE YOU DECEIVE ME? ME?!?! Y/N Y/L/N? ONE MINUTE, IT WILL TAKE ME LESS THAN A MINUTE TO FUCK YOUR LIVES UP!” Y/N screamed, her eyes fogging up, but she didn’t dare let a tear fall.

“Babe, babe it's not what you think it is I…”

“Oh sod off, you didn’t deserve me anyways, my papa was right, I should’ve gone for some with the same standards as me. He was right, you were only with me for the money!” She screamed, trying not to break down in front of them. “You look like you're about to shit yourself sweetheart, don't worry i’ll just think all the money I spent on you was charity.” And with that she stormed off to go to potions, leaving Zabini and Parkinson dreading what might happen next.

“Uncle?” Y/N whispered, her head down, trying hard not to let the class know she was crying.

“Y/N? Where did you go?” Snape questioned, looking at his deceased sister’s last memento.

“Can I please talk to you?”

“We are in a…”

“Now?” she looked up a bit and Snape saw her puffy eyes, but at the same time someone else did as well. He quickly gave the class some work to do, grabbed Y/N and left the class.

Draco sat at his desk, observing everything that happened. He should've been happy, he was happy, until he saw her puffy eyes, her red eyes, eyes filled with tears and pain. The girl, who never cried, the girl who didn’t even cry when her parents were killed, the girl who only spread happiness and joy was crying. Y/N told her uncle everything and to say her uncle was more relieved than angry was an understatement. “Y/N, they will be punished, I promise you, but I am extremely happy right now that the facade ended. You deserve someone who is as wealthy as you, someone who me and your papa think is reliable and we have chosen the someone for you.”

“You have?”

“Yes, after you have graduated this year we will be visiting your future in-laws, it was your mother’s wish to get you married straight after you graduated. I will not tell you who it is, but you will be happy with this decision and one more thing focus on your N.E.W.T.S, not on that stupid boy, go to your dorm now.” Snape finished and showed a rare sign of affection by kissing the top of the heartbroken girl’s head.

Summer Holidays

Y/N, her papa and Snape were standing outside Malfoy Manor. Y/N was shocked, extremely shocked, her jaw was practically touching the floor. “Papa?” “Yes, my angel.” “THE Malfoys?” “Yes, my angel.” “THE Malfoys?” “I thought we already answered that question, but yes my angel.” “Papa, nooooooooo, pwease, pwease, pwease, pwease, pwease, pweaseeeeeee.” Y/N begged, with the cutest, most innocent puppy eyes and sad face. “No, father. No! Do not look at her and do not apparate back.” Snape said, receiving a glare from Y/N. “Angel, I don’t know how long i’m going to live and this is the last of your parents’ last wishes, please try to understand and not put up a fuss.” Y/N’s grandfather told her, he knew these words would melt Y/N a tiny bit and she would agree. “Fine, but please don’t talk about death, I don’t want to lose you two as well, you are the only good things I have left.” And with that said a house elf appeared and escorted them inside the manor.

Y/N was wearing a long red silk dress that showed off her curves, her hair braided like a crown at the top and the rest of her hair curled and down. She looked breathtaking. “Good afternoon, it’s lovely seeing you here Mr Snape, Severus and Miss Y/L/N.” a voice called, it was Lucius Malfoy. “Good afternoon son, good afternoon Narcissa, where is the young Malfoy?” Y/N’s papa questioned and Y/N tried her hardest not to roll her eyes at his name. “He’ll be down by the time we have settled down in the dining room.” Narcissa replied sweetly, she was Y/N’s favourite Malfoy, sweet and kind, she sometimes reminded her of her own mother.

When they entered the dining room, Draco was standing there waiting for them. The two teens made very awkward eye contact, to say the least, and Y/N could’ve sworn she saw Draco blush.

Draco’s POV

Fucking hell she looks amazing. What the hell? You hate her, you hate her, you hate her, well you don’t hate her, you dislike her. Right? Repeat the mantra Draco, you dislike her, you dislike her, you.. “Draco darling, come sit down. We all know Y/N looks beautiful tonight, no need to make her feel awkward.” Mother teased. Shit! Was I staring for that long? I took a seat in front of Y/N, which was probably the worst decision i’ve made tonight, and “So, should we talk about the wedding now or after dinner?” Father asked. “I think after dinner is perfect, an old man needs to fill his stomach up before making big decisions.” Y/N’s grandfather laughed and Y/N smiled and shook her head. Merlin, she looked angelic.

During dinner I think I looked at her about 50 times, very slyly, obviously. Me, the Slytherin Prince, being sly, as easy as pie. “Do I have something on my face?” Shit, she’s caught me. “Huh? I mean pardon?” “Do...I...have...something...on...my...face?” “You didn’t have to say it like I have a hearing problem! I can hear very well thanks!” “Well, you were the one who said ‘huh, pardon?’ not me! SO I thought maybe you’ve developed a hearing problem of some sort. Also, I asked you a question so stop avoiding it!” “Who said I was avoiding your silly question? To answer your question Y/L...Y/N, yes there is! Your nose, your eyes, your lips, your eyebrows, there's a lot on your face!” “Have you never…why are you guys laughing?” Y/N asked the elders around us “Oh nothing dear, how wonderful! Young love! What a beauty!” mother answered. “Young WHAT?” Both of us questioned, together! “Young love children, it always starts off with some teasing and bickering. You two already sound like a married couple!”

“Draco, please give Y/N the wonderful, wonderful, gift you have selected for her.” “Yes, mother. Y/N, here, this is for you.” I handed her a velvet box that had a green emerald pendant in it, mother had chosen it, because I didn’t know about this arrangement until yesterday night and I expect Y/N didn’t as well. “Thanks, um…” “Here angel give this to Draco. Son, Y/N selected this for you, with a lot of love.” “I did? I did, yeh I did! Um...here you go, hope you like it haha.” Ok she definitely didn’t pick it and she definitely didn’t know about this arrangement either. I opened the box to see a snake ring, not that I needed anymore, but I still liked it. “Thank you, I do like it.”

“Draco, son, why don’t you and Y/N go for a walk, we’ll call you when dessert is ready?” Mother offered, well basically told me, I nodded my head and waited for Y/N to stand up. I walked out and she was behind me, walking so slowly. We got to the garden and I turned around to see Y/N missing. “Y/N? Y/N? For Salazar’s sake Y/N are you that dumb you can’t follow a 5’9 guy properly? Y/N!” I yelled and to my surprise she was knelt down in front of the roses, looking at them in awe, like they were the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. “I was shouting your name Y/L/N, you could’ve at least told me you’re here!” “Oh, you were? The thing is, the two words you call me are midget or Y/L/N, so I couldn’t hear my first name from your pretty mouth.” “Pretty mouth? You think I have a pretty mouth? Well you will be thrilled to know that after marriage this pretty mouth will be all yours!” I smirked, but internally cursing myself for being such an idiotic flirt, that was such a stupid pick up line, if you would even call it a pick up line.

“Thank you.” she said softly. “Thank you? I should say thank you, you complimented..” “No, you git! Thank you for telling me about Bla...those two.” She looked down towards her feet. “Y/N/N, um, Y/N, shit um, Y/L/N, I…it’s um...you don’t need to thank me. I...um...I…” “So first you call me by my first name, then you call me by my nickname and now you stutter as well? Any other surprises Draco?” DRACO! SHE CALLED ME DRACO! I SWEAR MY HEART DID 5 SOMERSAULTS IN 2 SECONDS! Her saying my first name was so damn cute. “I’m sorry.” “Oh for fucks sake another surprise! THE Draco Malfoy apologizing, now that really is a surprise!” She laughed anndddddd there we go again my heart flipping over and over again. “But honestly, jokes apart, why are you saying sorry?” “Because I made you cry that day.” “Not the first time.” “Oh, wait, I've made you cry before?” “Mhm, but forget that…” “No, no, no forgetting, please tell me.” “Anddddd another surprise. Draco, are you sure you’re not drunk?” “No, I'm not.” I grabbed her hand and led her to the bench near us and sat down, patting the place next to me telling her to sit down. To my surprise, she actually did. “Do you remember in first year I was wearing an old rusty watch?” “Yes?” “And you made fun of me for having all the money in the world, but wearing a rusty old watch like a mudbl...that word. That was my late mother’s watch, it was the first present my father got her when they got married, with his own money, not his inheritance. And it was thrown in the bin, because it wasn’t slytherin enough” Oh shit. “Then when you broke my quill?” “I didn’t Goyle did.” “You stood there and laughed, you stood there and encouraged him. That was my late father’s lucky quill and he gave it to me before he died and said my lucky charm gets my lucky quill, I don’t need this when I have you with me.” I was such a prick. “Then when…” “I...I can't hear anymore Y/N, I am sorry, I really am sorry.”

I look up to see tears rolling down her cheeks. I made her cry again. “Y/N/N I am so sorry, please, please don’t cry. Please love please. Please don’t cry.” I moved forward so I was sitting right next to her. Hesitantly, I brought her into my chest and wrapped my arms around her, one arm resting on the back of her head and one on her back. “Sshh, sshh it’s fine, it’ll all be ok, i’m so sorry, so so sorry. I am a fuck up, a big fuck up.” I moved my hands to each side of her cheek, wiping away the tears with my thumbs. “Do you know why I was a dick to you? It won’t really justify what I did, but it is something. I don’t know how to handle feelings Y/N, I show the same emotions to people I love, people I hate, people I like and people I dislike. The only person I’m not like that with is my mother. When I first saw you, I practically died there and then, I didn’t know how someone could look so beautiful, then after Christmas when I heard your parents passed away, I thought you’d be broken, but no, you were still smiling, giggling, enjoying yourself and to be honest I was jealous. How could someone be so strong. Then you got your first boyfriend, who wasn’t me, that killed me. Then you broke up after 2 years and he hurt you, so I hurt him and he broke both his arms during a quidditch game, even though we were in the same team and Ravenclaw got the blame. Then literally 6 months later you and Zabini got into a relationship, even though he knew I had feelings for you. If I really hated you Y/N, I would’ve stayed quiet about the fact that Zabini was cheating on you with Pansy. I kept trying to tell myself that I hate you, I dislike you, but everytime I see that smile of yours I can’t stop. Y/N/N, I’ve liked you since first year and I know it’s hard to believe, but I have.” Woah, okay I got that out of the way, but why wasn’t she replying?

Her mouth was wide open, eyes practically popping out of her head and she was frozen, I swear for a minute I thought someone had frozen her. “Can you please reply? I’m kinda shitting myself here.” Why did I say that? I mentally facepalmed myself. “What the fuck Draco? What the actual fuck? You can’t just be a dick for 7 years then say you love, well like me and then expect me to answer within 2 minutes of you saying that! I need time to actually let my brain function and understand what just happened!” “Um, ha, yeh, um...take as much time as…” “Oh, I will, thank you very much!” “Actually, um...could you kinda hurry up, because your silence and glare are kinda scaring me.” “Mhm.” “Mhm?” “Mhm” “Mhm?” “Mhm” “Mhm?” M FUCKING HM! NOW SHUT UP!” “I...sorry.” She looks so cute when she’s angry, wow. It started to rain ever so slightly, but looking up at the sky, it was obvious it was going to be pouring with rain very soon.

“I can’t believe it took you 7 years to say that you git! You are cute and tall and you have really nice eyes and you are quite handsome. We would have cute babies.” She started talking and I choked on my own spit. “Did I interrupt you when you were talking?” “No, sorry.” I cleared my throat. “I did have a little, now don’t suddenly have an ego boost, right where was I? Yeh! I did have a little crush on you, since we became potions partners, even though you were the world’s biggest prick. KEYWORD Malfoy, were! What I’m tryna get at here is, maybe, well yeah I like you too, but because both of us are, KEYWORDS AGAIN Draco, ARE AND WE, um where was I again? Yeh. We are so stubborn we didn’t tell each other that. Ok so what i’m gonna say is big, but don’t freak out, but I think the decision for us to get married was the right decision, but wrong time, but now I feel like it’s the right decision right…”I cut her off by cupping her cheeks and kissing her, she was shocked at first, but then our lips were moving in sync and that’s when I realised what I had done. Once again mentally facepalming myself during the kiss. Merlin, she was hard to resist, she’s adorable.

As I had expected it was pouring with rain and honestly, I just wanted time to stop, Y/N with me, it’s pouring with rain, how romantic! Oh if she heard me she’d think I’m so cringey. I pulled away and “Um sorry, I interrupted you again.” “This is the one interruption I don’t mind.” she said laughing and I could feel my face heating up and going red. This time, she pulled me in to kiss, her soft hands going around and wrapping around my neck and my hands resting on her waist. But obviously I couldn’t have a good moment without being interrupted. “Papaaaaa, THE Malfoys? THE Malfoys? Papaaaa noooooooo, pwease, pwease, pwease, pwease, pweaseeeeeeee. You two are the only good things I have lefttttttt. Angel, you said these words, not even 2 hours ago.” “Papa? Um, I, you always say you’re right and you’ll always make good decisions for me, so um I was just checking if the decision is really good or not.” Y/N laughed awkwardly, realised what she said and, “No, I meant, we were, um I don’t know, Draco?” “Oh um, Sir, we were getting to know each othe...ouch!” Y/N stepped on my foot and I realised what I had just said, we were stuck in a messy situation. “Oh kids, you youngsters say you understand jokes, but looking at your flustered states I don’t think you do.” Mr Snape laughed and we awkwardly laughed with him. “Once you’ve finished what you’ve started, come down and have dessert, just make sure Severus doesn’t see you two or he’ll probably hex you son.” “Papppppaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!” “See you in the dining room angel” And with that Y/N’s papa walked off laughing.

“One good thing Malfoy, one damn good thing was happening and you fuck up again!” “Fuck up, excuse you, but I didn’t invite your papa to walk into us snogging did I?” “Well, you could’ve, I don’t know, been more alert of the situation, kept your eyes open, looking out for people!” “Oh wow, so you expect me to keep my eyes open mid make out to look out for people. Darling, don’t you think that’s a bit creepy?” “No, well, yes, but no, but yes. Oh for fucks sake Draco! You’re so annoying!” Y/N starts walking stomping away. “Hey, we haven’t finished what we started!” “Sod off Malfoy, go finish it off with Parkinson!” Parkinson? Where did she come from? “OI! Come back!” I yelled, grabbing her wrist and pulling her into me before slamming my lips onto hers. Breathless, I reluctantly pull back, “Finish what we started off remember? Now, where were we again?” And we did finish off what we started, the only problem was that we didn’t want it to finish and we had to finish it so someone else (Severus Snape) didn't walk in on us making out. I quickly said a drying spell and we went back to the dining room.

Reader’s POV

“Welcome back children. Hope you enjoyed your time together.” Narcissa greeted the two, “Your wedding has been scheduled to be next month, 9th to be exact. Y/N as I am sure Severus and your grandfather have no idea how to shop for wedding dresses, Narcissa will take you.” “Yes, Sir, that’s perfectly fine.” “Oh please don’t call me Sir, you can call me father.” “Thank you.” “Tomorrow you and Draco will go out for lunch, I have booked you two a table. It is at 1:30 exactly, please do not be late.” “Um, I will be there, thank you.” “No need to say thank you dear.”

The Next Day

1:30 went to 1:40 to 1:50 to 2:00 to 2:30, but there was no sign of the young Malfoy and Y/N was getting very, very annoyed. “I’m leaving!” Y/N mumbled. “Y/N! Wait up!” Malfoy yelled, extremely out of breath. “WHAT TIME DO YOU CALL THIS? I HAVE BEEN WAITING HERE FOR AN HOUR DRA...MALFOY AND YOU ARE LATE! ENJOY THIS LUNCH BY YOURSELF, BECAUSE I AM NO LONGER INTERESTED! TAKE WHOEVER HELD YOU UP TO THIS LUNCH! I AM NOT HUNGRY!” and with that Y/N apparated back to her home. “Great, now what do I do?” Draco asked himself, rubbing the back of his neck.

“That git…” “Language.” “That boy was 1 hour late papa! I hate people who aren’t punctual! I can’t trust him, what if he’s late to our wedding?” “So you’re already thinking about your wedding?” “No...I…” “Go freshen up sweetheart. You seem tired” “Ok papa.”

WHOOSH! “What the..” “Hey!” Malfoy said. “Malfoy, before just apparating into someone's bedroom you should really apparate outside and knock first! As you can see I am currently wrapped in only a towel and I do not appreciate you turning up like this! You either turn up late or turn up without warning!” Y/N yelled, “Well I was late and you left, so I decided I’ll surprise you and turn up at your home” and to tease her more the platinum haired boy walked closer and closer, until Y/N’s knees hit the bed and she fell backwards. Draco leaned over her and whispered “You said something about us having cute babies yesterday, wouldn’t mind trying that out.” He stood back up and turned around, “I’ll wait for you downstairs, I have a little surprise for you.” And with that he left, leaving a very flustered Y/N laying on her bed, blushing like a maniac.

“Angel, look who’s here!” Y/N’s papa pointed towards Draco and Draco greeting her like he hadn’t just seen her half naked and left her extremely flustered 15 minutes ago. “What a very pleasant surprise!” Y/N greeted, very sarcastically. “Sir..” “Call me papa” “Papa, if I have your permission, could I take your angel somewhere today. Even though we were in the same school, same house, same year, we don’t know much about each other. I’d like to spend the day getting to know her.”

“Getting to know her? Like yesterday?” “PAPAAAAAA!” “I’m just joking angel.” “Son, come here quickly.” “Yes papa?” “Please do use protection if you get that far.” Mr Snape whispered in Draco’s ear, this time leaving Draco flustered, but Y/N overheard “PAPAAAA! OMG! DRACO GO OUTSIDE I’LL COME IN A MINUTE!” “Oh angel, look how red you have gotten, but please be safe.” “BYE PAPA!” “Bye angel.”

“You want babies, but papa wants us to use protection, pray tell me how that works?” “DRACOOOOOO!” “I haven’t even done anything and you’re already screaming my name.” “I will strangle you!” “Kinky.” “MALFOYYYY.” “Draco sounds better.” “That’s it, go where you wanna go alone, I’m not going with you.” “But I need you to have babies, I can’t have babies by myself, even though they would be perfect.” “DRACO! I AM GOING BACK HOME! AGAIN! ENJOY!” “Final decision?” “YUP!” Draco picked Y/N up bridal style, “PUT ME DOWNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!” “The more you cooperate the quicker we get there sweetheart.” and led her to a very posh restaurant, different to the one from lunch, putting her down when they were at the door. They enter, have a lovely meal, get to know each other more (with words and quite a lot of kissing, let’s say more kissing than words) and when they had finished eating, Draco grabbed Y/N’s hand and said “Y/N, I know I've been a dick to you and I know I don’t deserve you. You are so beautiful, so adorable and yes we would have the cutest babies, mainly because of you and in order for that to happen you have to become Mrs Malfoy,” He got down on one knee and finished it off “Will you do the honour of marrying me, completing me and helping me become better? Will you Miss Y/N Y/M/N Y/L/N marry me?” Y/N was in tears, she was an emotional wreck and to make it worse Draco stood up and before putting a ring on her finger, handed her two things, a watch that was EXACTLY like her mother’s and a quill that was EXACTLY like her father’s lucky quill.

“Dray…” she whispered, knowing if she spoke any louder she'd be sobbing. “I had to, we do need your parents' blessing as well and I didn’t want to feel guilty about the mistakes I made in the past and then look at you everytime and be reminded of all the times I made you cry and...this was the reason I was late earlier as well, I’m sorry my love. ” “YOU GIT! CAN YOU EVER DO ANYTHING WITHOUT MAKING ME CRYYYYYYYY?” “Hmmmmm, would making babies make you cry?” “DRACO LUCIUS MALFOY!” “Hey, I don’t wanna hear my father’s name being screamed in the process.” “DRACOOOO!” “That’s better, but we haven’t even started, Merlin, you wouldn’t last 10 minutes.” He chuckled, earning a big slap on the chest from Y/N. “You haven’t answered my question. Will you marry me?” “Do I have a choice? I do want cute babies.” “So, yes?” “Yes!” He slid the Malfoy ring on her finger and they shared a passionate, loving kiss, both melting into each other. “Do you want me to keep my eyes open?” Draco teased. “Draco, if you want me to kiss you then you need to shut up before you lose the privilege to be kissed.” “Mhm, mhm. You wouldn’t want that though.” “Just kiss me you sap” and before they could deepen the kiss, “I hope you remember my advice son!” Y/N’s grandfather yelled from outside the window. “PAPAAAAAAAAAA!” “How does he turn up every time I’m kissing you?” “If I knew don’t you think I’d make sure it doesn’t happen again? Draco use your brain for once.” the two lovers chuckled

Marriage Day

“Are you ready angel?” “I think I am papa.” “Then let’s go, they’re waiting for us.” The doors opened and all eyes were on Y/N, she looked stunning and Draco could not get his eyes off of her. “Holy shit,” he mumbled, earning a nudge from his father. The vows are said and they were pronounced husband and wife, Mr and Mrs Malfoy, finishing it off with a sweet kiss. Y/N’s grandfather goes up to the newly wedded couple and whispers “Remember the advice I gave you last month? Don’t use that today.” “papaaa,” Y/N whispered, her papa leaving the two of them blushing and shaking their heads while he went and sat down. “Well at least we now know when we can start making cute babies.” Draco whispered “You’re such an idiot.” “I’m your idiot,” “Sap” “Only for you.”

Quite some time later

“Daddy?” “Yes Angel?” “Me and Shcorp have a question.” “Go ahead.” “Shcorp you ask.” “Daddy?” “Yes Scorpius?” “Did you and mummy have an argument last night?” “No sweetheart we didn't, why'd you ask?” Y/N asked, giving the twins milkshakes, Draco his coffee and sitting down next to him drinking her own coffee. Draco wrapped his arm around her waist pulling her closer to him and then gave her a confused look and she shrugged her shoulders in response. “Because we heard mummy shout your name quite a few times last night.” “JDCIFDOIACODJNAOVCD” Y/N and Draco both choked on their coffees, red in the face and extremely embarrassed, both coughing their lungs out staring at each other not knowing what to do or say. “My lovely children, have you heard of the term making cute babies?” Y/N’s papa came in and asked. The innocent children shaking their heads and their poor parents growing redder and redder. “Well, that’s what was happening.” the old man laughed. “PAPAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” Draco and Y/N shouted, very very embarrassed. To hide her embarrassment she hid her face in Draco’s chest. “So you were making cute babies? WE WANT TO MAKE CUTE BABIES!” “SCORP! ANGEL! NO!” the embarrassed couple yelled, “Children let your parents do that job.” “PAPPPPAAAAAAAAAA!” 

Y/N was right when she said they’d make cute babies, because the two kids sitting in front of them were the cutest and most beautiful kids anyone had seen.

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[whumpbby]

I finished typing and now I feel I have to preface it with a: this is all a monologue about Jedi and Force and Lucas’ inability to show the good story he wants to tell - just a warning. This is in no way meant to contradict the other post with that quote floating around or argue against it - just my own rambling coming to a conclusion I keep struggling with when it comes to SW universe and the ways it makes no sense to me and how I feel deep in my bones that Lucas is a crap storyteller.

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I don’t know why, but for all the interesting concepts Lucas talks about, Anakin’s fall never sat well with me. In time I came to the conclusion I would respond better if the Jedi culture surrounding it wasn’t so contradictory to itself.

And if he wasn’t so heavily leaning on the concept of the ‘pure love’ that is unconditional and undemanding and ‘unselfish’. Tldr: that love does not exist outside of poetry and romance dramas and imagination. Like every other emotion humans feel, love is conditional.

Take the first trilogy - I got that. The Jedi were largely missing and there was not much lore-wise, but the vibe it gave was measured and peaceful and mindful, and all the things that stood against the Empire - that represented the Dark Side in a very concise way. It wasn’t too nuanced, so we could buy it in this very simple ‘princes kidnapped b ya dragon’ story. This is as good as Lucas gets.

But then the prequels happened and Jedi became this weird, extremely specific, but conflicting idea. They are not supposed to take sides in politics - except when they do. They are not supposed to kill - except when they do, with freaking relish. They are not supposed to love or hate or allow emotions dictate their ways - oh, except when they do. And they can have sex - just not sex with someone they want to settle down with (oh boy, is that a signifier of a story written by a guy or what?). All seems to be ‘except when they do, as long as it can be adequately justified to make them look good’.

And I do have an issue with the idea of ‘Anakin was too old to join, he was already attached to his mother’ which is, when you think about it, is insane. Learning to control your emotions and letting go of your wants, Buddhist way, fine.

Aiming to train children to not be attached to their parents? What? How young a child has to be for that attachment forms? How is a meditation and repeating mantras going to help a 5-year old who is missing their mom at the temple? How do you even expect to train a child out of missing their mom??? How is it NOT better to get an older child that can reason above the instinctual and hardwired need for their mother? 

But let’s say Anakin’s attachment to his mother was ‘selfish’ from the beginning - but, that’s the thing, was it? Was it really? They were slaves and she was his only family, okay, obviously that made his attachment stronger and more layered than, say, a normal middle-class Coruscanti kid who could love their mom without constant fear that any day they can be separated forever by someone who didn’t give a shit. In that sense, yes, Anakin was desperately attached to his mom and afraid of loosing her - there was fear in him. Right, I’m there with you, Yoda.

But the movies show us that the way Jedi seem to approach these hard subjects is by not approaching them at all - oh, well, we can’t take him in. He had a difficult childhood and there are issues attached, get him out of here.

In a galaxy full of races and issues and the Force being tied to any and all creatures in any and all circumstances - this was the hard line Jedi were drawing. In essence, either only accepting kids young enough to not remember their parents (and I see absolutely no issues whatsoever that could happen here, nope) or with childhoods perfect enough not to have any issues whatsoever. Anyone else? Adults that discovered Force when they were older? Kids like Anakin with hard childhoods? Creatures that were either culturally or chemically wired differently enough that the tight reins Jedi held over their emotions weren’t possible for them? Nope. Go away. You are a bad person in the making.

If you spend a moment contemplating, you will realise this is such a white privileged guy way to think about it. And if you stick your head into the microwave for a couple seconds, you can almost understand how Lucas thought this is something profound and mystical.

No that I think about it... I always thought Sith were freaking clowns - their philosophy makes no sense, their ‘rule of two’ is hilarious, everything about them is just so badly designed and thought out, and who would ever decide to join of that creepy cult of their own volition? It made no sense!

But, as an answer to the egalitarian and contradictory ways of the Jedi - Sith make all the sense to exist. And let’s forget about the Light and Dark (that I don’t believe exist above the ways of personal emotional expression that in time trains the Force around a person in certain ways - like a person can train their brain in and out of anxiety ofr example), but focusing strictly on philosophy - yeah, being a Sith makes sense when any other way is barred form someone by no fault of their own. And barred with an excuse they are a bad seed anyway. 

“You fear/hate/desire hence you can’t access the Force with us” = “Well fuck you, then, I will access the Force in my own way, using these exact emotions!”

Like, Sith are clowns, but Jedi suck in their own very special way and their fall was just waiting to happen.

I get a strange feeling that Lucas created Jedi as a class of a warrior monk in DnD and then scrambled to create their enemies out of the simplest contradictions. Light-dark. Love-Hate. Peace-Fear. Etc. But because Jedi were so simple - once they started to gain popularity and he had to expand their lore and layer on the philosophy, he hit a wall. Or rather, the bottom of the kiddy pool. Because a ‘warrior monk’ is not an a ‘good’ class, but he wanted them to be mostly warriors, but also a force of good in the galaxy, because Star Wars is the same simple story repeated again and again with a new set of characters (regardless of how much fake politics is thrown in to obscure that fact) so this whole universe is basically built on giving Jedi reasons to fight and kill, and adequately justifying them. And then the Dark Side had to catch up by being more ridiculously evil at every turn - accidentally unmasking the way Jedi philosophy falls apart under closer scrutiny.

So like, to make a full circle, the one thing the prequels did well was to show Anakin’s fall (and I am not gonna argue, it was effective and he is a villain of this story) but they also presented - I think against the creator’s intention - why it was pretty much inevitable. Not because Palpatine was there to whisper poison, or because Force itself strived for ‘balance’ (even though the latter is a hilarious idea I love to contemplate) - but because Jedi, as presented in the movies-media around them, as a philosophy and way of life is inherently contradictory and unsustainable from the point of being a, well, a breathing, thinking being.  The ‘selfish love’ argument would work so much better if it wasn’t presented with an example of a kid who was born a slave and the people who saw it as a strike against his character, and did very little to address the specific issues that could arise from that before it was too late. 

Would it fucking kill them to let go of their strict training routine and ensure that his specific emotional needs were met? That Shimi was, I don’t know, NOT A SLAVE. They seem to interfere into politics just fine when need arises - but not when it’s a sandy planet in the ass-end of the universe no one cares about. Then no, we can’t liberate one slave. That would be acting in self-interest - not in the interest of not allowing one of the strongest members of out order to fall into the ruin we have forseen form the beginning. 

It would work better is if Anakin’s ‘selfishness’ was presented as his inability to let Padme leave him for someone else/just leave him - not to be unwilling to let her die.  

Think about it for a moment - he wasn’t presented with the idea of Padme leaving him. With the idea of his mother not loving him anymore. He was firmly and, form his point of view, believably, presented with the idea of both of them DYING. Which actually happened to his mom, solidifying the fear in his mind.

Yes, he was not meant to go on a rampage and kill the ones who killed Shimi - but wasn’t he? The Jedi are not against killing. Only killing in self-interest I guess - when self-interest is not one’s life and their political affiliation or their ‘job’ at hand, that is. Revenge is a no-no, but a military retaliation is a yes-go. Can’t kill anyone who wronged me - but I can kill those who wronged a person who gives me orders. How does that work within a Jedi doctrine? 

How, in good conscience, can you present this scenario, George, and then try to spin it into this big philosophical bullcrap about unselfish love????  Jedi murdered people over political squabbles - but I guess that’s okay because they weren’t invested??? And that’s better?!?!? George! What the fuck! You are such a bloke my head hurts!

In case of Anakin, Jedi were essentially Elsa’s parents. I pretty much despise Elsa and the film she crawled out of, and I personally don’t like Anakin as a character either, so this is not stanning in any way, but their issues scream ‘I was raised by well-meaning idiots’ and shows the level of botched storytelling I just can’t reconcile.

Which, you know what? 

Luke, who spent years studying Jedi ways and taking them into himself? 

I can believe than this Luke would try to kill his nephew at the barest whiff of the Dark Premonition instead of helping him manage his motions in a somewhat healthy way - that seems to be exactly what a real Jedi would do, after all. 

[thiefofstars16]

soooooo here is yet another thing that won't leave me alone!

Force Visions, Pirates, and Mandalorians - Oh My!

----

Obi-Wan Kenobi has a Force vision and sees Jedi Younglings being captured to be sold into slavery, and he knows without a doubt that he needs to do something about it, even if no one but his close friends will believe him. He's been in that position before, where ignoring a vision led to some of the worst moments of his sixteen short years. He also knows that he only has a short amount of time before the events in his vision come to pass, and that he's going to have to do some outrageously illegal things, lie to the Council, and possibly get himself captured on purpose. If he also happens to help rescue a couple of missing Mandalorians, too? Well, obviously the Force just has it out for him, plain and simple.

----

Obi-Wan woke up with a scream lodged in his throat.

He had flashes of what he had seen coming in and out of focus, all of it in pieces and not in any way coherent. Obi-Wan took a few deep breaths, in-for-five, out-for-seven, until he felt he marginally calmer.

He knew how to break down his visions, how to heed the warnings, and he also knew that if he told any of the Masters they would simply repeat back the same mantra: always in motion, the future is.

What a bunch of bantha-shit, Obi-Wan thought, still somewhat upset.

All his life he had experienced extremely harrowing and traumatizing visions, and so far, all of them had come true bar the ones he could tell were decades off; he knew which ones those were because he had seen himself, older, more tired, with strange armor and even more strangely armored people at his back (these visions just made him confused because what use would a Jedi have for armor, let alone when would he even come into contact with people who looked like walking weapons factories?)

The vision that woke him up, however, was the terrifying kind. On one hand Obi-Wan knew that he needed to take a step back and meditate on the vision so he could take apart the warnings, make note of who was involved and where it took place. On the other hand...he had felt the fear, the grief, the abject terror that had saturated his vision, and he really did not want to re-experience that.

But he knew that he wouldn't get any sort of peace until he figured it out, and he knew from past experience that ignoring the vision would not only lead to it coming to fruition, but possibly something worse. He reluctantly got out of bed and into the 'fresher, getting ready for the day even though it wasn't even first light.

I won't be able to go back to sleep after that, he groused.

As he went about his morning routine, Obi-Wan remembered when he had ignored a vision like this, when he had dismissed it as fearful thinking of a rejected Initiate sent off to be a farmer. He thought it impossible, that something as Dark as a Fallen Jedi would have been known and taken care of by the Order's ever-elusive Shadows, if not the Jedi Council themselves. He didn't think that a slave-operation would have been able to practically be in the open on a Republic-aligned world, either.

His faith in that ever-enduring mantra was shattered when he found himself in chains, in a bomb-collar on a deep-sea mine on Bandomeer. When the person who at one point would have been his Padawan-Brother had put the collar on Obi-Wan with a mocking laugh, the Dark Side nearly suffacating him until the Force itself was cut off by shackles snapping shut around his wrists.

I should have heeded the warnings of the vision - if I had, I could have told Master Jinn and he could have stopped Xanatos sooner! Or I would have messaged the Council, the Agri-Corps members, or anyone, that something was wrong! he had thought, panicked and afraid, so very very afraid of what was to happen next.

(Obi-Wan's faith in Master Jinn, however, hadn't been shaken until he was fresh off the battlefield of child soldiers and having spent nearly a year fighting a war, but Obi-Wan shoved that train of thought straight back into the Force.)

Obi-Wan had spent months in chains, trying so very hard to stay alive, and every single moment he had promised himself, that if he escaped this hell alive, he would always heed his visions, to try and understand what they were warning him, so that something like this wouldn't happen again.

And it's with that particular thought in mind that he made his way out of his room and to the Room of a Thousand Fountains. They were overflowing with serenity, something he sorely needed to begin unravelling his vision. Thankfully, his Master was off-planet on a solo-mission, and Obi-Wan's shields were stronger than durasteel - to survive what he'd been through, he had to get better at shielding or he would have died before ever becoming a Padawan.

Not even Master Windu - youngest Councilor ever, creator of the Vapaad - had been able to get passed his shields that hid the full extent of what had happened to him after his missions the past few years.

He made his way to one of his favorite spots, a secluded grove set in the highest part of the Room. He very much enjoyed this spot - it was too high for Younglings to safely venture and too much of a hassle for more adventurous Initiates or Padawans to try to get to. Most Masters didn't bother trying to seclude themselves as even Crèchelings knew not to disturb those meditating.

With a sigh, Obi-Wan settled into the roots of the large Veshok tree, reached into the Force -

- a feeling of anticipation, excitement, slight fear and wonder surrounded all of the Jedi Younglings, Initiates, on their way to Ilum -

- ice, so cold, why is it so cold? And a song, beckoning him to come closer, to take it away from the cold and be warm at last, a bright golden light -

- he's got another lightsaber crystal that he can immediately tell is for a shoto blade, but why? His Master had never been interested in him learning Jar'Kai, but now it seems as if he will have to because the thought of leaving his newly acquired crystal makes him want to scream -

- the return trip has a feeling of foreboding and oh, oh, he can feel that this is where it goes wrong, that this is what he needs to be prepared for because the Master and their Padawan were very much not, and the Knight-Pilot only just getting them and most, but not all, of the Initiates out -

- he feels the ship that they're in come to a screeching stop, pirates (pirates, why does it have to be pirates?) boarding with manic glee, calling out "take the baby wizards, we'll get a lot more for them" and that causes alarm to spike because they weren't just pirates they were slavers because of-karking-course they were -

- he watches as the Master and Padawan try to protect the Younglings, but there are too many pirates swarming their ship, and he knows what he needs to do as the pirates grab three of the Initiates; he launches himself at them and Force Pushes so hard that the nearest slavers are shoved back onto their own ship, and he's shouting at the other Jedi to get out of there with the younglings that they managed to save -

- he leaps into the other ship after the captured Initiates and hauls all three close to him in the slavers' ship, baring his slightly too-sharp teeth, praying that he can protect them but the pirates are so angry at the loss of profit and the Initiates are so scared and it's all he can do to not break -

- and then he's in a cell, the Initiates in Force cuffs next to him, with cuffs on his own wrists and gods please no, not this again, but he has to be strong because he's been here before but the Younglings haven't and he will not let another child die, not again -

- a woman with dark brown skin, along with a young Pantoran male, an older human male, and others bound in chains that he couldn't see, are being dragged in, screaming that they'll kick their hut'uun'la shebs when they get free, that the Mand'alor will kill them all for taking one of the Ad'be'Mand'alor, their captors' nervous laughter ringing in the background -

Obi-Wan comes back to himself, crying and gasping, the sense of dread nearly overtaking him.

"Breathe, Obi, you gotta breathe for me, c'mon that's it."

The voice cuts through his panic and he listens, breathing slowly evening out. Obi-Wan takes a moment, or a few, to collect himself, looking up from his hands to the sight of warm brown skin, black hair in dreadlocks with clasps of varying colors dotted throughout, and a bright yellow tattoo on a face hovering closely in front of his.

"Quin," he whispers.

Quinlan Vos: his best friend, closest confidant, and partner-in-crime.

"Hey, Obi. Wanna tell me what you Saw?" Quinlan asks, quietly and without pressuring him.

Obi-Wan pauses, thinks for a moment about what he's going to say. He'll definitely tell Quinlan, because he's one hundred percent sure that he's going to need his best friend's help, it's just - how's he going to explain that he knows something bad is going to happen, that he knows he's going to end up in chains once again, that he needs to start practicing Jar'Kai now so he can be ready for when this vision comes to pass?

Quinlan waits, slowly rubbing his hand in a soothing pattern down his friend's shoulders, then nearly breaks Obi-Wan's arms with the next words that come out of his mouth:

"One: I'm going to need to start learning Jar'Kai. Two: I need to know how to break Force cuffs without the Force. Three: I'm going to need to learn how to slice into ships, databanks, and anything else. Four: I need to learn basic Force-Healing. And Five: I need to know what or who the hell a Mand'alor is and why slavers would be nervous at the mere mention of the word."

Quinlan balks, but only for a moment, because this is Obi-Wan, and weird Force shit always happens to him so he shouldn't be surprised at this point.

"It seems that we've got to start preparing for the worst, doesn't it?"

[ankhashiva]

(Black Clover Modern AU) where Asta, Yuno, Mimosa and Noelle are in an amusement park where they will ride the Ghost 👻 House 🏠, with the next pairings : Asta x Noelle and Yuno x Mimosa. , asked by @aspergerhero Thank you so much for waiting, I needed to search the difference between “Ghost House” and “Haunted House” and all I found was the movie called “Ghost House” 🤣 Bref! I made this little something, I hope you’ll enjoy it anyway! Warning: Creepy/Scary Stuff, Little Fluff at the end. The story takes place in Japan. The characters are over 18 years old. Summer in Japan is synonymous with holidays and couples' activities. Asta and Mimosa, lovers of thrill-seeking activities, are watching the flyer of Tokyo’s scariest Haunted House. The problem? Noelle is almost allergic to movies and horrific activities and Yuno is... Well, it’s Yuno. He is still impassive, no matter what the situation. With many arguments and compromises, the two couples find themselves in front of the Haunted House, on a fine day. Haunted House or not, for Mimosa, it remained a date, so she prepared for an hour with Noelle to be perfect for her man. Mimosa had selected a short-sleeved white blouse and a bohemian apple-green skirt, neither too short nor too long, and wedge sandals. In order not to suffer from the heat, Mimosa had tied her hair in a high ponytail. A little eye makeup – it’s way too hot for a full make-up – and that’s it. Noelle, when to her, had preferred a pink pearl bustier dress, descending above her knees, a pair of ballerinas and her usual ponytails, then a light touch of makeup to compliment her eyes. The boys were obviously pleasantly surprised by their darling, one more visibly surprised than the other.Asta and Yuno pay the entrance fees for the Haunted House, an old, dilapidated Japanese-style building from the Edo era. The garden is gloomy, more like a family cemetery than a Zen garden. A shiver runs through Noelle, who grabs without losing a moment the arm of her Asta in search of comfort. The young blonde passes his arm around the waist of his sweetheart, who clings to his chest. Mimosa laughs when seeing her cousin so frightened while the attraction is just beginning and gets closer to Yuno, then crosses her fingers with those of her darling. The two couples finally enter the house. The interior of the domain is immersed in darkness, the only source of light is a greenish luminescence whose provenance is unknown. The air is almost glacial, no doubt that the thermal shock helps to spread the chills. Yuno and Mimosa open the way and the floor cracks under each of their steps. In front of them, a few meters from the entrance, is the first intersection. A left lane, a right lane.  "BAM!" Noelle utters a shrill cry and turns around, always clinging to Asta. The front door has been brutally closed and after checking Asta, it is locked. Asta rubs his neck and simply says with a big smile "Well, there is only to continue our way, there is an exit somewhere!"  Noelle wants to reply with insults but nothing comes out, she is petrified on the spot. "Yuno! Right or left?" Ask Asta, having no preference as to the direction to take.The tall brown sighs, folds his eyes in both directions then without speaking, points to the right. He doesn’t want to say a word, thinking he’s setting up actors working in the Haunted House. What he didn’t know was that this Haunted House is special.  The small group takes the right corridor, the walls are more and more dilapidated. The wooden planks are split, the screens are pierced, covered with visibly sticky cobwebs, the silk shiny under the green luminescence. Screams are heard behind the group, which turns in unison to inspect the noise. Nothing.Turning around again to continue their journey, they fall nose to nose with a little girl with a bloody yukata, a strange stuffed animal in her arms. Mimosa and Noelle utter a cry of fear, each clinging to their darling. Asta’s tension increases, surprised by the unexpected appearance and also receiving the stress of his princess. Yuno, after calming Mimosa by patting her head delicately, hovers in front of the strange little girl who remains there, staring at them. Her eyes are red, her hair in a bun almost undone, and the stuffed animal... A spider plush that seems to move with each breath of Yuno. An unhealthy smile appears on the little girl’s face, pointing to the room on the left. Yuno is covered with a long shiver, his tension rising slightly. The greenish light becomes intense, dazzling the quartet, the little girl disappearing with the light. The screeching starts again and Asta opens the door designated by the little girl, determined to continue the attraction. The couples enter, Noelle and Mimosa hold hands, Noelle having been separated from Asta when he first entered the new room. The tatamis look humid, some areas rot. The few pieces of furniture are broken on the ground, strange objects scattered here and there. Thick cobwebs cover the corners of the room and on the farthest wall is a screen. Noelle shivers so much that she vibrates and Mimosa, in the same state, does her best to reassure her. "Don’t worry, Noelle, it’s an attraction, nothing bad can happen to us!" Asta turns to his dulcinea and with his radiant smile, continues "It’s true kitten! It’s just thrill-filled fun! Look!" He pushes the screen to support his words and without warning, screams full lungs, frightening at the same time Yuno who yells in his turn. The young women slowly approach to see the reason why their man screams and this time, no sound came out of them .A woman in black kimono with red flowers, long black hair blurring her face, with long spider legs in the back, weaves a giant web, imprisoning an inert man inside. She is a woman of extreme beauty, both wild and dark. Her face slowly turns to the quartet and she smiles. Her teeth are sharpened like razors, her eyes light up like the flames of hell, the greenish luminescence intensifies. A black widow.  "It’s an attraction. It’s an attraction. Nothing bad can happen to us. It’s an attraction." Repeat Noelle, like a protective mantra. Her grip strengthens on Mimosa.This should be painful but the young redhead is so tetanized that she thanks Noelle for it, the pain being the proof that she is alive. Yuno turns around at the same time as Asta, both taking their partner’s hand and fleeing the room at full speed, retracing their steps. A burst of laughter resounds in the room of the Black Widow, accompanied by the little girl."If they knew we were real yokais, they would die of fear on the spot." Laughs the woman, continuing to weave her web."Mom, it’s not right to make fun of humans, I wish I could play with them!" says the little girl, sulky."Their visit is not over, you still have time! But remember, we are here to scare them, not kill them!""Yes Mom!" and the little girl goes back in search of the quartet. After half an hour of the most trying for the two couples, they finally find the way out of the Haunted House. They fell three times on the little girl who set mischievous traps for them. She surrounded Noelle and Mimosa’s legs with sticky silk, and they stumbled without hurting themselves. The boys, when to them, were entitled to a somewhat more frightening spectacle, when the little girl appeared for the last time, decapitated, with a thin shred of flesh holding her head on her shoulders. Yuno almost turned his eye to so much realism, without knowing that the Haunted House was really the refuge of yokais who, against offerings of initiates, scared the humans who paid to live thrills. They’re coming out of the Haunted House, livid. The four friends sit outside the walls of the attraction, energy drinks in hand, walled in silence. They sip their drink with unusual calmness, remembering their strange experience. Noelle bursts with laughter after five minutes, startling her friends and her lover, lost in incomprehension."That was really great!" Says Noelle after she calmed down. Asta is wide-eyed, unsure what to say. "Are you serious? Did you really like it?"Noelle crosses her arms, looking away. "Y-yes, Bakasta! Fear makes us feel alive, and exploring this house with the three of you was great!" Asta’s smile gets bigger. He grabs Noelle in his arms and covers her face with sweet kisses. "I’m so happy! You’re so brave, Noelle!" Mimosa coos in front of her cousin and her best friend, proud of them. Yuno passes his hand over the Mimosa's waist, and leans his forehead against his sweetheart’s forehead. " Noelle is right, I’ve never felt so alive in my life. Thank you, my little flower." And he kisses Mimosa’s sweet lips tenderly. The Black Widow and her child look out the window at the two couples, smiling. Humans are lucky, living is like feeling strong emotions, the yokais lives of human's emotions. And these, love and friendship, are really the most powerful.

[arilkang]

Hello everyone, it has been a long time since I have written a long text here where I expose my personal considerations regarding some themes and today I thought well to do it. I'm reading Boku no hero academia for some time now and being on par with the manga, I would like to talk about something that some (especially on twitter) continue to say. No, it is not Dabi's theory - which I am sure he is what the theory says but Horikoshi doesn't want to tell us - but about a plague of fans of any work: the hatred for the main female characters and a sort of battle for the "ship".

I don't go into fandoms for this very reason: you are toxic, let me tell you. You are among the most toxic people in the world, together with those mythical Renee Young haters with whom I screamed some years ago because they actually don't know what human dignity is.

Speaking of BNHA, I have noticed the greatest hatred lies in Uraraka Ochaco, which is seen in these following ways:

1) she's useful only as Midoriya's "love interest"

2) useless because it doesn't do anything really important, Tsuyu is more active.

3) She has no real ambition

4) she's the same as Sakura and therefore useless.

5) other things I don't remember.

Now I analyze point by point, just because I want to talk about it. Let's assume that this hatred towards almost exclusively a female character denotes a profound misogyny also because, I would like to tell you, why don't you say something about Aoyama? I don't think he's so useful. Or Mineta. Or other male characters who aren't that useful.

But no, Uraraka is worse. Uraraka is not only a "love interest" but she is much more, she is a character that makes such an important and strong growth that it is only to be admired. If she was just a love interest, in theory she had to follow Midoriya wherever he went but hey she doesn't. Furthermore, the relationship that they have is very healthy and constructive, therefore reducing it to a simple "love interest" is disparaging. There is mutual trust, mutual respect and affection between the two and this is more important than you think.

On her "uselessness" frankly I don't even talk about this because in each arc Uraraka proves important and necessary for some dynamics. Re-read the manga.

True ambition, she is said to have no ambition. "I want to help my family", "I want to help other heroes." these are not valid ambitions? I think they are extremely valid and concrete compared to those of Midoriya himself or Bakugo (one who wants to be a hero like All Might and smile like him and the other for purely personal ambition and affirmation).

But now I want to talk about the most important point: the comparison with Sakura. And I also add Orihime so you can understand better (and more people will criticize me I know). This is connected to the "uselessness" point.

Sakura Haruno (Naruto) had crazy potential in the first part of the manga, especially when she became aware of having to improve so that she would not be continuously protected by Naruto and Sasuke. Huge potential of an emancipated woman who defines herself... That Kishimoto has not been able to manage. She become a medical ninja, she become strong but not strong enough because she still needs to be protected regardless. Maybe only in the last part of the manga but not much. From a woman with enormous potential she becomes the violent one who speaks only fundamentally. And now let's talk about violence. She is violent against Naruto. Only against him. Why didn't she have the same attitude with Sasuke who, in truth, abandoned her and then attempted to kill her? In Sakura there was absolutely no growth in feelings, admitting how wrong Sasuke was and condemning him, going to him and punching him (I know she tries but she remains with the thing that "I'm in love with you" but how can you be after what he does?) and let's not forget how she faked a confession to Naruto because she wanted him to stop following Sasuke. This is the thing that makes Sakura fundamentally toxic: if Naruto said "okay okay, I'll be back with you." she would lie to him and herself practically for her whole life and I don't think this is a healthy behavior. Rightly, at the end of the manga she manages to assert herself a bit, but she had a great potential not managed well. Don't mention me Hinata and the "is worse than Sakura and at the end of the manga she has become a housewife" because I would say that in the meantime Hinata has been strong and important in her being a secondary character and now I will reveal one thing: if you go to search on the internet for feminism in Japan, you will see an interesting thing. Now things are changing, however, basically a woman, if she works and she will marry someone and have children, she quits and stays at home. There are several researches that talk about it - but they also underline that this dynamic is changing - so Hinata's is a cultural heritage. Present in all women (including Sakura anyway, Temari ect.). If you know something about this, or you want to correct me, you can but in a polite way.

I also put Orihime in the middle, just to make people understand how badly certain female characters have been handled. Orihime is a cute girl, adorable and to be embraced continuously but... But everything she does revolves around Ichigo. She continually thinks of him, the continuous "Kurosaki-kun" which when I followed Bleach was a kind of ironic mantra. Her powers, obviously only healing and this irritates me, however extraordinary they were, they do not evolve while we have the great protagonist that is all him (shinigami-hollow-fullbringer-quincy and 400000 things). She doesn't evolve, or rather Tite Kubo doesn't make her evolve much. And if you notice, the only character who deals with these things is Rukia (she's violent too unfortunately but she's not toxic towards someone) in my opinion the only female character built well. Orihime is truly totally influenced by Ichigo without changing that much. By the way, why are healing powers associated only with women? Why can't they have an offensive power?

And from here we move on to Uraraka: she is not violent towards Midoriya or others but sje respects and supports them, she grows continuously and she wants to improve (ex. those traineeships that she does with Gunhead and Ryukyuu), takes inspiration from Midoriya to improve, not to stay with him on Sakura/Sasuke or Orihime/Ichigo style. She continues to evolve and improve and with her all the female characters and this gives honor to Horikoshi both for the realistic and strong construction of women and for the representation (we have a bisexual character if you remember well) then all the criticisms, in the face of this reasoning, they fall and they are really childish because you are not denigrating a character, but the whole work of a mangaka that, apparently, you have not understood.

With that, happy reading 💫

[orionsangel86]

Rocky’s Bar - “The Dream”

In my Pamela meta I wrote about how Dean’s actual wants and desires are things that he views are completely unattainable to him, even in a dream, and therefore the bar is the next best thing. I want to build on that point more and tie it in to my Pamela meta, because this bar, this dream scene, it was EVERYTHING.

On my first watch I couldn’t help but feel sorry for Dean, that this bar is his supposed happy place. That this is his “dream” life. But then when Sam and Cas are searching in the dark of Dean’s mind Cas says something that clued me in. He says “contentment”.

We need to discuss the difference between contentment and happiness, because they often get confused. Contentment isn’t a negative thing, but when you apply it to a season driven by want and desire, it’s the opposite of moving forward.

Being content means not having any desire or want for anything more than you currently have. It means being happy with your lot. Which is fine, but in this particular case, in Dean’s case, this is actually really sad. 

In Rocky’s bar, Dean has created his own prison (or it was created for him by Michael - we don’t ever actually find out.) He has surrounded himself with memories and mementos from his real life, which hint to all the things he is currently missing out on. Lets take a look:

The name “Rocky” from Rocky and Bullwinkle plus the taxidermy squirrel both represent Dean himself. It could also be a way of honoring Crowley who coined the name for the brothers.

Where there is a squirrel there must be a moose, and Sam is in pride of place up on the wall.

The Impala also has a place of honour on the wall, with it’s original license plate on display.

Death is also given a place. This reminds me of the Tiki bar where Dean killed Death, and it clearly is significant in his mind. It could also be placed here due to Dean’s continuous death and reincarnation.

The cowboy and cowgirl from 13x06 are also lurking in the background, a call back to a time when Dean truly was at his happiest that we’ve seen him for a while. Interestingly these only ever come into shot once Sam and Cas arrive, signifying a rise in Dean’s happiness level perhaps? Also I always love the symbolism of both the cowboy and the cowgirl being a nod to Dean’s bisexuality, but that’s just me. :P

Fred and Daphne appear carved into the bar, to honour another point in Dean’s memories where he was extremely happy. Though you’ll note that its specifically “Daphne loves Fred” and not the other way around. Whilst being a nice memento from a happy experience, it is also reminding Dean of rejection. 

Finally, it can’t be Dean’s mind without a nod to Cas, and Cas is not only clearly in view throughout most of the dream scenes, but he is accessible to Dean. Cas is of course the cosmic cowboy. The one item in the bar that Dean specifically calls attention to.

Dean surrounds himself with these things to remind him of happy points in his life and people he loves, but he himself is stuck in a miserable place. There is a storm raging outside, and the bar itself is empty, with one lone drunken patron (who turns out to be a monster hiding in plain sight). 

Pamela is his only companion, as Sam and Cas are out on a hunt together and he is separated from them, just waiting for them to return, hoping that they are okay. Pamela is just a friend, she has a hot date with her boyfriend while Dean has no one. He flirts, but he doesn’t actually want her. 

The only other character in the bar besides Dean and Pamela (and the vamps that attack every now and again) is the mystery business woman in a grey suit who offers to buy the bar for a generous amount, to which Dean continues to refuse. I was scratching my head over the purpose of this woman for a while. She is stoic and rather uptight, wearing a grey suit that screams angel. She refuses his offer of a drink both times she appears, and is insistent on buying the bar from him.

This woman, coded as an angel, is offering Dean a way out. She is offering him a chance to move on away from the mundane little bar he has settled in, but she isn’t going about it the right way, she isn’t warming him up, she isn’t relaxing, she isn’t accepting his drinks. They aren’t speaking the same language.

He repeats twice that the bar is “the dream” and tells the business woman that “this bar, I’ve never had anything this nice.” He repeats the mantra because his mind is telling him that this is all he can get. It’s nice, it’s a form of contentment, but is it truly what he wants? What he desires?

The woman tells him that the bar “is dead”. Dean doesn’t care. He is hostile towards her and she leaves in a huff. 

Where Pamela is Dean’s voice of reason and guidance, the business woman is a potential escape, but one not done in a way Dean can relate to. She is treated as a negative thing in this narrative, when really she could bring Dean something far greater than this mundanity. It is interesting how both Pam and the business woman are coded as aspects of Castiel in the subtext. 

Castiel is everywhere in this bar dream hidden in plain sight. Like the cosmic cowboy IPA that Dean clearly loves, or the crate of Texan Star he carried in from the store room which is oh so reminiscent of 8x23 and 9x06.

The most obvious example of want and desire among all these Castiel-coded things is the song playing on repeat over and over again. It is probably the most telling indication of all:

https://youtu.be/-xKvkZnF1MY

Searching for a Rainbow by The Marshall Tucker Band

I rode into town today... in my mind, I said 'Lord I'd like to stay'.. Something in me said boy, move on... Don't know what it is the good lord bred it in my bones..And I'm searchin for a rainbow, and if the wind ever shows me where to go, you'd be waiting at the end and I know, I'd see the hill with that pot of gold. I'd see the hill with that pot of gold

This old mount I'm ridin', she's gettin' kinda' tired, But in my heart she knows there's this one desire...She's gonna' take me to the end of our road.... Then she'll lay down and die and I'll say 'God rest her soul'.......And I'm searchin for a rainbow, and if the wind ever shows me where to go, you'd be waiting at the end and I know, I'd see the hill with that pot of gold. I'd see the hill with that pot of gold

And I'm searchin for a rainbow, and if the wind ever shows me where to go, you'd be waiting at the end and I know, I'd see the hill with that pot of gold. I'd see the hill with that pot of gold And I'm searchin' for a rainbow.. and if the wind ever shows me where to go, I'll see the hill with that pot of gold.....I'll see the hill with that pot of gold...

This song isn’t about a man living the dream, who is happy with what he has got. This is someone looking for something special, or someone. The lyrics talk about searching for a rainbow (which come on, I think the SPN writers would be well aware of the implications of rainbows to their majority queer fandom) and believing that “you’d be waiting at the end” .

I am sure that in my current social media blackout Destiel fandom has had a collective meltdown over this song. I’m shocked myself that they have chosen something so blatantly obviously about LOVE and with RAINBOW METAPHORS.

When taking the song, the angel coding and the conversation with Pam about love and want all into consideration, what is Dean’s dream really telling us? 

It’s not telling us that he is happy. No matter how much he repeats his mantra that this bar is “the dream”, everything else is at odds with that. 

Rocky’s bar is telling us that Dean has wants and desires.  He has people, things, feelings, that he wants to experience differently than before, or maybe even for the first time. He wants something more, maybe not marriage, but something, with a hunter or someone who understands the life. He wants to follow his heart because he is pining for someone. But that someone is not Pamela, it’s not Daphne, it’s not some pretty girl (because Dean doesn’t want that, he just likes to flirt). 

No. Dean wants a Cosmic Cowboy, and he’s searching for a rainbow. 

[xxminuitestlaxx]

heartburn

“It takes a strong heart to love, but it takes even stronger one to continue to love after it’s been hurt.”

au; Eliott falls in love with Lucas, who likes to have fun with him, but Eliott is sure he doesn’t love him back. He tries to back out from the “fuck buddies” thing they have between them, but that doesn’t end the way he imagined.

[please have in mind that english is not my first language]

/*/*/*/

"It was good," were his first words after the mind-blowing sex him and Lucas ha Lucas used only chuckle as an answer.

They were lying in his bed, music blasting through his closed-door from Idriss' party, naked bodies tangled beneath his blanket, Lucas satisfied face almost glowing in the soft light coming from his lamp. Eliott was watching him, watching his long eyelashes flutter and one eyelash falling down on his cheek, Eliott almost reaches his hand to touch his cheek, to get rid of it. He immediately had to stop himself, even when he wanted nothing but that. For his fingers to touch the soft skin of Lucas' cheeks. Stop .

"It was okay. Just as it always is," Lucas replies, not really paying attention to him, possibly thinking of a way to get out without things getting awkward. Eliott only had one thought in his mind, and it was just that mere memory of his hand stroking Lucas' hips just a few minutes ago, Lucas not paying attention, too busy with his own pleasure overwhelming him. He thought about it often. Touching Lucas in a non-sexual way.

Touching his cheeks when he was simply overwhelmed with everything and nothing at the same time, to soothe himself. Their lips meeting in a soft kiss that did not lead to sex. Simple pecks when they part their ways. Gently caressing his naked skin after making love. Softly stroking his back while they kiss.

The thing was..he couldn't. No, after sex, he couldn't touch Lucas. It was like a mantra Lucas always repeated to him. A soft reminder that Lucas is not his. That this boy, lying naked in his bed, looking just as gorgeous as a person can look, was never meant to be his. No matter how many times he draws Lucas as his. No matter how much he longs for him. For Lucas to at least touch him after having sex, at least to show he had any worth in his eyes. To touch his shoulder, to even look at him in a different way...it was an almost impossible wish. Lucas referred to him only as his 'fuck buddy', to remind him he will never be his.

Eliott always gets sad when he thinks about how little Lucas thinks of him. No, Lucas could never like him. He is only attracted to him, to his body and his mouth kissing his body, making him come, screaming from pleasure Eliott gives him without a doubt. Eliott would give him anything. Anything in the world he ever wanted would be his, he only had to ask. That was how much Eliott loved him. He would move mountains for him, only to receive the love he was feeling. It didn't even have to be strong love, Lucas didn't have to fall in love with him, he only wished Lucas saw him at least a little bit different. To be a little more than a hot body he could fuck whenever he wanted, without obligations.

Lucas always asks only for one thing. "Touch me," he whispers, of course not longing for his touch out of love, only lust playing part in his pleas. Eliott obligates, of course, he does. He loves this boy too much for him to ever be able to say no to him, to deny him anything. Eliott longs for his love. To be loved by Lucas, to be looked at the same way he feels, looking into the deep ocean eyes and find love in them, swimming in it, overwhelmed with feeling loved. Only it will never happen. No matter how hard he wishes for it. No matter his longing, his pleas, his despair for it. Lucas won't love him.

it is only good, that little annoying voice whispers to him, you are insane. why would he love you, when he can have you without having to show one emotion? without faking love to you? he has you wrapped around his finger and he does not have to do anything at all.

He was too occupied with torturing himself with his thoughts to notice the awkwardness growing in the room. Why didn't Lucas leave yet? he asks himself, his naive self getting excited, because maybe...maybe, maybe, maybe...

"We should get dressed, no?" all his hopes have faded away with these words. No, please don't go, little voice in his whispers, now a little more desperate than usual, please stay for a bit longer.

"Yeah, of course. Here," he reaches out to the floor for Lucas' t-shirt. When he finds it he throws it at him. He was already feeling weird. Differently, than he was feeling before the sex. A little more broken than he was yesterday. A little more desperate. His longing for Lucas to love him just the way he was were stronger. He felt like crying. Like breaking down, collapsing on the floor with tears, with soft pleas for Lucas to stay. Of course, he won't. He never does. He is lucky, he has everything he needs. Eliott doesn't have anything.

Eliott always feels extremely unwanted after the sex with Lucas. Unloved. He feels like he won't be ever loved again. Maybe he will be. But not by Lucas. Never by Lucas.

He doesn't even register when he started to dress. Only now he notices his body being covered by his clothes he was dressed in the party. Lucas was also dressed by now, reaching for the doorknob. He turns around to look at Eliott with an awkward smile. Eliott appreciates it, even though Lucas was only being polite.

"You coming?" why do you ask? why must you ask? you don't need me there, he wants to say, but deep down he knows he won't, so he only nods. Lucas nods back, awkwardly, waiting for him to pass through him.

"Give - give me a minute, or two," he notices himself say, without actually meaning to, but he is glad his mind works faster than he thought. His voice shaking a little, which made Lucas frown. just go, he pleads, please don't make this harder. leave.

"Are you okay? Do you want me to call someone? Sofiane? Idriss?" why is he so kind? he asks himself again, feeling himself falling deeper and deeper in love. he doesn't love you, he reminds himself, he has to before he does something stupid. Something reckless. Something he will regret. i know, he whispers to himself, feeling like crying again, which made him feel like a fool, god, i know. He feels childish. oh god, so what? you fell in love with someone who didn't. that happens. you aren't dying.

"No," he replies, "it's okay, really. You can go now, I have to do some stupid essay anyways."

Lucas chuckles at that and Eliott's heart swells. he doesn't love you, the panicked voice reminds him in his head, Eliott quickly backs off again. "Will you be able to focus? The music is really loud."

"I never minded loud noises," he meant it seriously, but obviously Lucas thought he was being flirty again. He dryly laughed, saying 'so funny' sarcastically, but Eliott never meant to say this against Lucas being loud in bed.

He finds himself not being able to be flirty and teasing as much as he used to be, he felt too sad to tease Lucas. He was so afraid he would say something wrong that would make Lucas back away, making him lose the only part of Lucas he selfishly can take. It was not fair for Lucas. Wasn't it taken as taking advantage of him? no, it isn't, he wants it too. he does. you're being dramatic.

Too many thoughts passed through his mind, he was slowly breaking inside. He knew it would burst when Lucas leaves. Why didn't he do it till now? Why was he taking so long with that pretended caring about him? God, it was too overwhelming for Eliott, it was hard keeping it together when the only thing he wanted to do was cry and break down in silence. he doesn't care about you! he doesn't love you! he doesn't, he doesn't, he doesn't!

"Lucas, you can go now. I'll probably also be there in five minutes. Don't worry," he isn't worried. he doesn't care. why would he care? god, why did you say that? he probably feels weirded out, he doesn't know what to say now. good job.

"Okay," Lucas says quietly, leaving his doorstep and closing the door after himself. see?

Eliott finds himself feeling down much more often than before the time he and Lucas started this thing. He knows it isn't his fault, he can't control it after all, but his surroundings and situation he ends up being in have a little influence on it. And being in unrequited love is having a big influence and control in his episodes.

He should end this with Lucas, for both of their sakes. He only can't find himself to do so, because he doesn't want to lose Lucas. He doesn't really have him, he knows that, but there's only one way to keep at least one part of Lucas for himself. To soothe his love in the lusty nights they spend together.

He doesn't even notice the first tear rolling down his cheek. But he registers the many more following after, bringing choking sobs and painful aching in his chest as a company. Lucas, his heart whispers, only if he could stay. He could, of course, he could. he just doesn't want to.

He doesn't notice his door being open. He only notices Sofiane's head peaking in, looking for him. Sofiane! he wants to scream after his friend, suddenly feeling so glad Sofiane was here. He needed to know someone cared about him. He needed to hear it, after all those reminders of that one person he needs to be loved by not caring.

Sofiane's eyes finally catch him, but when he sees him his face fell a little. oh god, look how terrible of a friend you are! you only make your friends sad.

He slowly closed the door behind himself and sat next to him on his bed. "It's probably useless to ask you if you are okay, no?" he says with a dry chuckle, only he wasn't joking at all. "You know, you made Lucas worried. I saw him coming out of your room and he immediately looked for me or Idriss."

"He wasn't worried," he corrects him, "why would he be worried? He doesn't care."

"Do you think he would look for us if he didn't?" Sofiane asks softly, his hand reaching out to caress his shoulder, to soothe him.

Eliott's eyes are filled with tears again, everything is too much again, and he doesn't want to talk about it, he doesn't want to think about, he doesn't even want to exist anymore. Talking is too much, breathing is too much, hell, existing is too much.

"I don't want to talk about it anymore," he says after a while, Sofiane sighs.

"Okay. But...Listen. I think you should either end things for good, well, end whatever that's between you two...because it's doing more harm than good. If it does good for anyone who does this. Why don't you just confess to him? I'm sure everything will be easier for both of you," Eliott can't believe Sofiane actually thinks that. But there is something about the tone he says it, makes it sound so easy, when no, it's not easy at all, because yeah, there is this teeny-tiny detail - Eliott fucking loves him.

"Easier? Yeah, easier for him to end everything and leave me completely. Or what exactly did you have on your mind? That I would grow any worth in his eyes? Sofiane, what world do you even live in? Nothing will be easier. I'm a burden even sometimes to my parents, how would Lucas feel with me? He would leave sooner or later anyway, but this wouldn't happen anyways. Maybe only in my wildest dreams. Sofiane, Lucas doesn't like me. He doesn't even want me, he doesn't care about me, I'm literally nothing for him. Why would he care? If I ever confess to him, I'll only get my heart broken more than it already is," he almost chokes on his own sobs in the halfway of his speech, so he hides his face in his hands, "I don't think you heard me the first time, so let me repeat myself - I don't want to talk about it."

"Okay," Sofiane says guilty, his fingers softly caress his shoulder again, "I'm sorry for pushing."

Eliott feels disgusted with himself even more than he already had.

***

He knew the episode was coming when he was lying in his bed in early Monday morning, feeling so useless, even the thought of waking up was exhausting to him. Everything became exhausting, and it wasn't even the worst part of the episode behind him.

His thoughts were the ones making him feel this exhausted. When his body was unable to move, his mind took its place and wandered million miles away, questioning his existention and making him feel even worse. Why was he here? Why was he here if he had no purpose to anything? Why was he still here?

He has thought about suicide before. It hadn't mattered to him that much now, but back then he would think it was the only way out. The only way to escape his own thoughts, his cruel mind and cruel voice in his head, whispering to him that he didn't matter to anyone. Sofiane and Idriss would quickly get used to the fact he wasn't there, his parents will too, hell, they probably got used to him always being a hundred miles away from them with his thoughts, never really listening to them. They told him Lucille was so good for him, and yet they broke up. They told him to take his medicine, yet he did anything but that.

Lucas- Lucas. God, that boy probably didn't know what his last name was. That boy didn't care about anything involved with Eliott, most probably the only thing he cared about was that he had a hot body to fuck. If...If Eliott wasn't there, he probably wouldn't notice.

No, he will. He would only say 'What a shame' and find someone much better, it wasn't that hard to honestly.

When he heard his phone getting a notification, he wanted to ignore it. It was too exhausting to turn around and lean out of bed anyway.

But in the end he did it anyway, turning around so slowly as if his body was made of lead, his limbs feeling like jello and he huffed a breath out of annoyance.

He was surprised to see it was from Lucas. They saw each other two days ago, whenever he wanted to hook up he would text him at Thursday night, he never got a text from him on Monday, literally two days after seeing him.

Eliott opened the message, feeling confused, refusing to let the hope spread up.

from Lucas: hey, you ok?

Eliott shook his head, killing every hope that tried to enter his mind. It still didn't mean anything. It was kind of awkward on Saturday, it was in his nature to make sure everyone is okay around him. It had nothing to do with Eliott, not really.

He felt so angry all of sudden. Why must it be like this? Why did he have to get into this and fall in love? Was it really falling in love? Wasn't he just being obsessive?

Why did Lucas had to be so cruel? Why couldn't he at least try to pretend he cares? At least try to not look so oblivious with how Eliott literally meant nothing to him?

Eliott was tired. He had enough of feeling that sorrow aching inside his chest, making his eyes teary. At first, he wanted to type a quick no, but he decided to be difficult. Yeah, be as difficult as you can.

to Lucas : as if you care now.

The response came only a few minutes after, the last one Eliott read before he left his phone on his bed, falling asleep, not caring what else Lucas had to say.

He felt his phone vibrate with notifications, but this time he didn't answer, didn't even look at them. He simply fell asleep. The safest alternative to escape

from Lucas: what?? eliott, what do you mean? please call me.

***

He was up when Idriss and Sofiane came back home, but he still pretended to be asleep, just because. He didn't feel like talking, he knew that they won't make him talk, but he still didn't want them to know he wasn't asleep anymore.

Maybe they won't make so much noise if they thought he was asleep. Eliott wanted peace more than anything, appreciating peaceful moments now more than he usually does.

He heard his door slowly cracking open, not knowing who came inside - it only might be either Sofiane or Idriss, they check on him here and there when he has an episode, to his own surprise it never really bothered him. It was nice knowing someone cares and is not obsessive about it. Not mothering him, not making themselves an expert for what's best for Eliott, not making themselves their own therapist for him.

The door closed after a few seconds, either of his best friends noticing him not moving, from which they probably dedicated he was still asleep.

After a while, Eliott noticed the apartment being too quiet for both Idriss or Sofiane. Not even television was on. Did something happen?

Time passed, it could be minutes, it also could be hours - but Eliott heard footsteps. Voices. Idriss talking.

"Yeah, I suggest you to come, like, whenever but now. Lemme tell you it's really not a good time for a talk," who was he talking to? He doubted he would say something like this to Sofiane.

"But - he texted me...really weird stuff. I need to talk to him," oh no, what has he done? Why is Lucas here? Did he take his message too personally? why would he do that?

"It wouldn't do any good right now," he thanked gods for Sofiane and Idriss. Without them, he would've probably said some ugly things to Lucas and regret it all later.

"I don't know what did I do to - to...to make him say something like that. Did - did I...huh. Did he say something to you guys? Like, if I hurt him or anything like that? " Eliott found weird how from the numbness he felt guilt creeping into him all of sudden. Fuck, why did Lucas act like this? He is so confusing. Eliott was getting lost.

"No," Sofiane lies immediately. He doesn't do that a lot, only when it's necessary, which yeah, it was necessary right now. It wasn't his story to tell anyways, Eliott was glad he understood it.

"But, hey. He - he gets like this sometimes. It isn't your fault. He just...he doesn't feel good right now. But I strongly suggest you to actually talk to him when he gets better. No, I'm close to begging you to do exactly that. You haven't heard it from me..but he hasn't been this down since..since some really fucked up things happened. No, no fucked up, that's kinda too much I think..." Idriss wasn't as understanding as Sofiane, or as it seemed. But Eliott wasn't mad. He knew why did he do it. He was concerned and worried and saw this as an opportunity to get Eliott out of his misery, or something like that. Eliott understood.

But he knew what did this mean.

He is going to end things between them. No, not Lucas, him. He is going to grow some balls and just do it himself, say to Lucas how being fuck buddies is never going to work, and no, neither friends with benefits will. he'll say 'someone will always catch feelings', but no, this wasn't a time for him to confess that he already did either.

He got so lost in his own thoughts he didn't hear Lucas leaving or when did their conversation stop. But both of these things probably happened, if the silence was anything to go by. Neither of his best friends said anything, they just kept the silence.

The silence was kinda getting on his nerves.

***

A week passed by unnoticed. It didn't feel like a whole week to him. It simply felt like minutes turning into hours, too soon he dares to say. But even when he didn't want it, life went on the week he hadn't felt like existing. Sofiane went to university, Idriss went to his work, both of them trying to get him to eat something, but also both of them knowing better. He could get really stubborn sometimes, getting him to eat was close to impossible in those days.

It usually takes a week, sometimes two, but he always gets better. Getting better now seemed like a universe, million miles away from him. But, also, he had to admit it was more bearable, so now he has no excuses to not go to school, he had to get up at some point. University was nothing like high school. He either was there or they will mercilessly kick him out of the program. And he wasn't present for a whole week, so he had to go now. He loved that school and fought hard to get in. He is going to that fucking school even when he is going to feel like shit. He isn't going to lose his whole future, he is not.

So, he woke up, his body aching because of all the inactivity he kept for the whole week. Went straight to the bathroom, to get rid of his awful morning breath hadn't bothered with breakfast and went straight to school. It was probably a mistake.

He was glad college wasn't like high school. No one cared about him not turning up in it for a week and then suddenly bursting in like nothing happened. No stolen glances at him. No surprised faces of his classmates. No curious looks. No nothing. Simply, he was glad.

And neither did professors, thank god. None of them cared about one of the fifty people in their class, it was only his own responsibility.

He expected the day to go especially slow, now not even being mad about that, because he was not ready to text Lucas. To ask him if he was free today. Him answering yeah. where do you want to meet? and obviously expecting them to hook up. He probably won't think that Eliott will end things between them, well, if that what is between them can even be considered a thing.

He certainly didn't expect the day to go with a speed of a light, almost as if the first lesson replaces itself with the last one. As if the universe was himself making fun of him. you have to do it now, he tells himself, and for the first time, he actually listens.

to Lucas : hey are you free today?

from Lucas: not until five wanna meet up?

Eliott slowly inhales, realizing just how shaky his breath was.

to Lucas: yeah. meet you at the coffee shop at six you know which one

from Lucas: ?? why there?

He knew Lucas so well if the knowledge of his reactions was anything to go by. But really, it was so obvious, if Eliott texted, Lucas automatically thought they are going to hook up. Once he made a mere mistake to text him, simply to ask how his biology exam went and Lucas only answered with '?? lol why are u asking? why do you care?' And Eliott was not going to admit how hurt he felt, so since then he didn't text Lucas once to ask what's up.

And now it was no different, so he decided to be straight with him, as stupid as it sounded. His fingers were shaking and his heart was pounding loudly in his chest as if it tried to beat its way from there.

to Lucas: because we need to talk

from Lucas: woah now i'm scared, hah

He didn't answer to that, simply put his phone back into his pocket and walked his way back to his apartment. The walk was not long, considering how close his school was.

The time is so weird. That was the first thought that flew his mind when he laid down on his bed, not feeling like eating anything for lunch again.

But really, it was true.

When he felt good, it goes so fast and never lasts, happiness feeling like a mere memory to him in the moment. Time really does fly, especially when you feel so good, nothing can hurt you, and you feel like flying.

But when he feels sad it goes slow, almost making him feel like it will never go away. Like he will never be happy again as if he was not worthy of any lasting happiness. He always had a thing for things he could never have. Now it was no different. He does everything, everything to make himself worthy of Lucas' love. He would give him anything, he would if he could.

Now he has understood it. No matter how much he tries, he will never be able to give Lucas anything he wanted, anything he deserved. Something like a normal relationship - he will never have that with Eliott. With his mental illness, it was not possible. What else was he supposed to thing when all of his relationships went to hell? Who else could he blame?

Still, Lucas had to like him first to have a relationship with him. He doesn't. And that was the main problem. The thing that broke his heart so many times. The thought that made him feel like crying himself to sleep or started the emotional numbness he felt.

But only if you love him, really love him, you'll let him go. And you will.

The three hours passed away like a wind, feeling like only a couple of minutes. When he looked at his phone and saw that it indeed was 16:48, he realized that it was time to go, if he didn't want to be late.

The thing was that the meeting won't be long. Fifteen minutes, half an hour tops. He will feel numb, he won't feel the sorrow right in the moment, no.

It will come slowly in his way home, in the late-night hour when he will be lying in his bed, staring at the ceiling, only there and then realizing what he has done. And it will be irreparable. Impossible to undo. He will never have Lucas back.

And it will be good like that.

It was 16:58 when he arrived at the coffee shop, the one he and Lucas met. He didn't want to be reminded of that moment, but he still was.

He instantly went inside and sat at the corner where Lucas will be able to see him. He was aware he will have to wait for Lucas. It could be ten minutes, it could be fifteen, hell, it could even be half an hour. It was Lucas' thing, being late constantly. It irritated Eliott at the moment. He wanted this to be over already, it was so useless to wait. He already decided for both of them, knowing Lucas would get tired of him at some point in the future, so why wait?

He was right, but at least it was eleven minutes, not half an hour. It was not fair for him to look so beautiful. With his wild hair, sticking into every direction, tired smile and the blue jacket he secretly loved. Fuck, he knew he was screwed. It will be so hard.

"Well, hello," he smiles as he sits down, "What did you want to talk about? I really hope it's not a way of yours to get it on in the bathroom because I really don't feel like it."

Oh, sweet Lucas. He was so naïve. "No, it's not. It really, really is not," he sighs and that was what made Lucas serious, suddenly. And maybe a little confused.

"Okay, so..what is it, do you need something?" fuck, why was that the first thing that flew Lucas' mind when he wanted to talk? God, what did he seriously think of Eliott?

"I do," he said, completely changing the tone, "I need the thing, that's between us, to be over."

Lucas fucking chuckled at him and rolled his eyes, softly kicking him under the table. "Hey, no need to take that personally. You haven't been yourself in weeks, that's why I asked that."

"I didn't take it personally. That's the thing I wanted to talk about. I wanted to tell you it's over," Lucas looked like he was waiting for Eliott to tell him it was a joke. Eliott only had no intention to do so.

"Okay, there is no way you're being serious right now," he exhales and shifts in his seat.

"But I am, Lucas."

"Fine! Tell me why," Lucas looked him straight in the eye and now Eliott was the one shifting uncomfortably in his seat. He didn't want to confess to Lucas, he didn't want him to know he was in love with him then, he certainly didn't want him to know now.

"There is no reason why -"

"There obviously fucking is," Lucas was pissed off, fuck. Why? Why did it matter so much to him?

"Only there really fucking isn't. Maybe I got tired of being fuck buddies, so I'm calling it off."

"You didn't seem so sure of it when you were fucking me last weekend," he crosses his arms, his ocean eyes looking bigger than usually, not in a weird way, but in a way he felt like he could drown in them and fuck, why was he turning everything against him? He's literally doing them both a favor.

"You were the one wanting to fuck. Don't fucking turn this against me, Lucas, and start respecting that I don't want to do this anymore," Eliott returns the furious tone and Lucas looked like he was on the verge of crying. Was he trying to make Eliott feel guilty? Or was he seriously hurt?

"But why? Why? What have I done wrong? It's - It feels like it's my fault," his voice was shaking and Eliott was already reconsidering if everything was seriously a good idea, when no, he knew it wasn't, but at this point, he had no choice.

"But it wasn't, Lucas," Eliott sighs and shakily inhales, "it-god, it's not about you. Have you thought about that? That things aren't always your fault. This one, right now, is my fault. And this is the way I'm taking responsibility for that. You haven't done anything wrong, not really."

"What happened?" he asks instantly and Eliott wished so much he would just let it go. He stayed quiet and Lucas sighed, "Can't you just tell me that fucking reason?"

"Fuck," he whispers to himself and frowns at Lucas, because god, he was acting like a complete asshole,"why do you have to push? Maybe you can reconsider things before you make people tell you something, because yeah, maybe there is a reason why they don't want you to know."

Lucas looked at him, betrayal taking over his entire face.

"So there is no way it isn't something I did, you wouldn't be acting like this otherwise," he huffs and Eliott pleaded him to just shut up so many times in his mind.

"It isn't! How many times do I have to tell you before you actually believe me?" his palms were sweaty and he was shaking from how furious he felt. Lucas made him feel like he was in an empty space, where he was not able to breathe properly and he felt so anxious.

"Then tell me!" after this, Eliott completely loses it, no longer caring what he had to lose.

"I'm fucking in love with you, okay?" Lucas looked like his whole world stopped turning. But in no good way. Actually in any way, but in a good one. Fuck, Eliott felt like crying.

"Is that what you wanted to know so much you pushed so hard? You fucking made me feel like I have no choice, but to tell you when otherwise I fucking wouldn't, I would've left it be and you will live your life happily without knowing."

"Eliott...Eliott I-"

"Don't. Don't do this. I fucking know, okay. Don't do anything at this point. Just leave me alone. Leave," he hid his face in his hands, pushing them so hard against his eyes so he won't cry.

He heard Lucas getting up from his seat and suddenly he didn't want to cry.

Fuck.

Fuck, this is so messy.

It's over. Over. He lost Lucas. He never had him in a first place, he knew that, but now it felt like he completely lost him, messed everything up.

And it hurts. God, it hurts, even though he knew it would and tried to prepare himself to it, but nothing could prepare him to what it actually felt like. That feeling when you lose a person you care about.

He sat in there for another hour and even though he felt like shit the time went so fast.

Everything hurt.

/*/*/*/

a big thank you belongs to sweet who helped me a lot! thank you, thank you♥♥♥ also i literally know nothing about bipolar disorder and episodes in it, so please let me know if I wrote something incorrectly about it! i hope you enjoyed, even though it’s super angsty, also i’m probably going to make a second part, because i’m all in for happy endings!

[ryewi]

When I’m With You I’m In Utopia [Chapter 15 - E N D]

Summary:  9 years ago, the world split in two halves, Utopia and Dystopia. One of the laws allows citizens of both worlds to visit the other once in their lifetime, for a whole week, after which, they’re forced to return home. If by any chance, they don’t return, a death punishment is sentenced. Jeon Jungkook, a citizen of Dystopia seemed to be desperate enough to challenge that exact law.

Genre: Utopia!au, Dystopia!au, fluff, drama, angst, tragedy

Words: 2k

Warnings: major character death, language, emotions - prepare tissues!

That was it, the experiment was over, freedom has been declared, stringent laws have been lifted.  

Jungkook’s door automatically unlocked themselves with a quiet, but noticeable ding – even if they didn’t, the man would’ve probably kicked them down anyway. Imprisoners came out of their cells conservatively, eyeing left and right like startled dogs. It was unbelievable, that such an amount of emotions could lead to immense confusion and even fear. It all felt like some kind of a sick trick. Even though it wasn’t.  

They began celebrating, jumping around and hugging each other, screaming, emulating scenes from actions films. Their eyes sparkled, may haps because of the lights that were pointed at them, or because of the tears that filled their eyes out of pure delight.  

Jungkook on the other hand, was rushing down the hall, pushing and squeezing through tight masses of people, something that reminded him of a black Friday shopping spree. He was trying to reach cell number one as fast as possible, impatient to see two bright orbs he missed way beyond possible description. Yet, although he made it inside relatively quick, the room was empty. Deafening silence stifled any kind of noise that tried crossing inside. The air was thick, hurrying outside, pushing the boy away from the entrance.  

She wasn’t inside.

Utopia and Dystopia are officially merged into one, the experiment is over, congratulations and thank you for helping us, echoed through the hall once again, but Jungkook was too upset to care. She wasn’t here, where could she be?

Somehow, as if someone shot him with a bullet of remembrance, images from an hour ago came flashing before his eyes. Jungkook took a moment to stop and examine them all, watching as four people walked in line, heads hung down, led by a huge man in a grey suit. No that wasn’t it. The other picture showed a lone female, led down the other set of stairs, in a completely different direction than the others. She turned around, eyes focusing on something in his direction. She didn’t see him, although his strong aura somehow drew her attention to that exact room, number 23. Jungkook watched, but he didn’t understand. That indirect contact served as a last goodbye, but the neither of them wanted to accept the reality. Or to word it better, one didn’t want to accept it, while the other was forced to do so. That was it.

Jungkook’s heartbeat began to increase in speed and he thought, would it hurt less if it stopped? If it just jumped out and left him to suffer? Would this chase ever be worth the emotional trauma he’s been put through?  

The emotional trauma he’s been put through – how fucking selfish.

Of course, it was Faith, it was someone Jungkook cherished more than the last drop of water in Sahara Desert. She was worth, she was worth all of his effort, and so much more. Motivated by that thought, his strong legs carried him through the corridor and down the stairs, employees sending unpleasant looks in his direction whenever the man rushed past them.  

There was no map that he followed, just pure instinct, fueled by endless amounts of hope and optimism. He was almost certain that the room in question was on the 2nd floor and even though every second, every moment was influential, Jungkook couldn’t let himself skip any door in any part of the hall.

Somewhere halfway through the 3rd, Jungkook rushed into a man dressed fully in black, with equally as dark hair, looking as panicked as Jungkook was. Offering a hand to the stranger, he took the chance to speak up and get some vital information. The other looked as if he worked here, anyway.

“D-do you know w-where the e-execution room is?” His voice was breathy and rough, chest heaving up and down in an unsteady rhythm, much like his heartbeat. They began walking forward with quick steps, their paths seemingly and surprisingly matching. The stranger looked like a deer caught in the headlights, eyes widening with each word Jungkook voiced out, obviously caught off guard. There’s no space for asking questions back, it was obvious that both of them were in an extreme hurry.

“I’m heading there too, follow me” he said, straightening out the scrunched-up suit, finally presenting a little metal nametag pinned on it. Kim Namjoon, 24, floor 4, office 12, forensic psychologist.

Namjoon lead the younger down another set of grey, dull stairs. Each step appeared longer and slower than the last one, drawing out that same strangling tension Jungkook felt for the last three weeks. He was the one that caused this, if it wasn’t for his selfish acts and egotistic needs, both of them wouldn’t be in this situation.

Who was Namjoon? There was an unsettling feeling in the pit of Jungkook’s stomach, as if he’s seen this man somewhere, as if he was more familiar with him than he��d like to admit. Why? Jungkook didn’t know. Why was he heading towards the same location as Jungkook? Did he know Faith?  

Faith.

Namjoon.

Fuck. He remembered.

But before any questions could be asked, Jungkook caught a glimpse of their destination at the other side of the hall, guarded by two strong men. He began running again, receiving a confused look from Namjoon’s side, before he too, was running after the younger. The guards were dumbfounded, making no effort to stop the fast-approaching figure with hot pink hair, especially after witnessing the psychologist behind a him. They broke in with huge amounts of force, two out of three hinges immediately cracking and breaking. The door was sent flying to the side and on to the concreate floor, while Namjoon jumped over Jungkook’s body, currently standing up from the ground.  

“STOP THE EXECU-” Namjoon yelled from the top of his lungs, vocal chords straining under so much pressure. Their sudden intrusion startled everyone present in the small room, people that were frantically piling up beside a leather bed paid them a quick second, before turning back. Way too many words, way too opaque and way too loud. No one could understand what anyone was saying, much needed teamwork easily slipping between their fingertips.

A scream echoed throughout the room. A figure tried sitting up against the restraints.

Jungkook felt a gunshot piercing the insides of his chest. Entering slowly, breaking his ribs, damaging his lungs and shattering his heart.

“What do we do?! Inject more?!” A short woman with black hair yelled, searching for something behind of the curtain. Although what seemed like a crowd of ten, shouted back at her to stop, she didn’t listen. She pulled out another syringe, ready to intervene, when she was aggressively pushed away, falling straight onto her back.  The workers were confused, not recognizing who was their colleague and who wasn’t anymore, therefore Jungkook’s insert wasn’t at all that strange or forbidden.

“Faith!” He called out, cold and trembling hands grabbing and pulling the other into a tight hug. Her body was growing cold, heat gradually disappearing and leaving an iceberg shell. Upon the pull, Faith screamed once again, indescribable agony spreading throughout her whole body, needles detaching from her arms and cutting at her skin.  

The man let go immediately, watching in horror as tears kept welling up inside of her eyes. Faith’s whole body was spasming, mouth trembling as she tried voicing out incoherent words. Oh god she was in so much pain – her limbs felt as if they were being crushed, her head constantly hit against a hard wall and guts stabbed with the sharpest knife ever. Her weak hand tried reaching out for Jungkook, now free of restraints, only to be pushed back down by one of the doctors.

Of course, she was the one that went through rare complications. It was always her.

“Jungkook, Jungkook it hurts” She said, voice extremely weak. Jungkook was shaking, helpless, terrified, anxious. “It hurts like hell, make it stop, Jungkook MAKE IT STO-”.

Done.

The time stopped.

And so did the beeping of the heart monitor.

Faith’s eyes locked on an invisible dot, one last blink before all signs of life disappeared from her dark irises. Faith’s chest was immobile, signs of breathing nowhere to be detected, although her mouth were wide open. For a moment, no one moved, their attention fixed on the motionless body before them, as if staring would somehow revive the dead. As if pity and sorrow would have any effect now. A familiar voice sounded through a small speaker and filled the now pregnant, tense silence.

“Utopia and Dystopia are officially merged into one, the experiment is over, congratulations and thank you for helping us”

Jungkook screamed. It was a heart breaking, but at the same time frightening sound of defeat and helplessness. His being was still holding the fallen, shaking, raising, hugging, hopelessly trying to bribe out some kind of miracle and breathe in the freed soul. He was chanting something to himself, some kind of mantra that had no meaning behind it. No one dared to interrupt the scene, although every two or three seconds, a barely audible sniffle or groan described someone’s current feelings. Namjoon couldn’t dare to move his attention from his shoes, afraid that even the slightest glimpse of Jungkook, or Faith, wouldn’t be bearable.  

The woman from before seemed to be agitated with herself, face scrunching up in disgust at even the slightest glimpse of the medical tools. This was all her fault. Her own contemplating to use the weapons on herself too was soon noticed and cut short quick by a colleague.  

As if not witnessing any more of that hideous sight would help with the excessive guilt and grief that was eating everyone alive, people began to clear out. Tears that were straining their wrinkled faces and their runny noses were enough proof of the effect this whole act had on them.  

Among all of those other people, Namjoon began heading out too. His steps were slow and short, obvious discussion going on inside of his head. He stood at the entrance awkwardly, but he just couldn’t walk out. His feet were firmly planted to the concreate floor, eyes drinking in the extremely hard sight. Quietly, he sat down to one of the chairs near the exit, crossing his legs and letting his tears fall freely to the soft material of his pants.

All this time, Jungkook held her tight, refusing to let go for dear life. He never thought that it would be possible to die from excessive crying, but by the way his heart and throat tightened, making it hard to breathe, Jungkook thought it might happen just now.

The smell of drying blood and the sight of dead bodies, screams and pangs on the glass windows, Jungkook was going through it again. The whole situation seemed way too unreal, so much distress incomprehensible by a Jungkook’s tormented brain.  

Jungkook’s lips moved into a sad and weak smile, cheeks tainted with drying tears as he squeezed the now cold figure tighter.

“It’s our story that’s a real plot for a novel, don’t you think?”  

Even if it was his damaged mind playing tricks, Jungkook would like to believe that the faint sound he heard after his question was Faith’s agreement.

                                »»————-　♡　————-««

AN: Thank you so much for reading! This was, unfortunately, the last chapter of Utopia. I’m so so thankful for every and each one of you who stayed with it until the end, and I hope that you enjoyed this piece. It took a while to finish (in fact, it has been going on for 6 months), but I took my time to make everything perfect and how I wanted it to be. This book is one of the few that I actually finished, so woop one more achievement. If it made you sad, I’m sorry, but this ending seemed way more fitting than the usual hero saves the day ending. I love you and thank you once again, I’ll see you soon hopefully!

[whimsical-ness]

Oh, Baby! | 10 (Final)

◇ Link to Masterlist

◇ Sehun series: 01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05 | 06 | 07 | 08 | 09 | 10

◇ Genre: ‘Life As We Know It’ AU, Fluff (involving babies!), Slight Angst

◇ Summary: You and Sehun have always maintained your mutual dislike for one another. But what happens when an unexpected incident leaves the two of you in charge of a baby, together?

◇ Word Count: 4.2k

He wasn’t picking up his phone.

Why wasn’t he picking up his phone?

It was nearly 12 a.m. You had put Yuna to bed, but you couldn’t sleep. Not until you saw him and made things right.

You paced around the living around, biting your nails and trying not to freak out. Where was he? Surely he hadn’t left already? No, he’d mentioned he was leaving the next day. You were overthinking. 

You swore softly. Stupid. Stupid, stupid stupid. Stupid for letting him go, again and again and again.

When were you going to learn that it was impossible for you to hate Oh Sehun?

You shut your eyes and collapsed onto the couch, dropping your face into your palms. You had to talk to him. You had to tell him that you wanted him back. You had to tell him that even after it all...you still loved him too.

But the idiot wasn’t picking up his phone.

The thought that he was hurt and angry sparked an uncomfortable prick in your chest. He was ignoring your calls because he didn’t want to talk to you.

You gnawed at your lip furiously, wondering what on earth to do. You didn’t even know where Sehun was staying. All you knew was that you couldn’t let him leave without fixing everything.

You weren’t sure how long you sat there for, but at some point, your eyes fluttered shut, and you curled up right there on the couch, sleep letting you escape from your turbulent thoughts.

You didn’t stir for hours.

And when you finally did, daylight was pouring into the room. You felt heavy with sleep, your brain a fuzzy mess. You back was extremely sore, your arm numb from you having slept on it all night. 

Also, you missed Sehun so much that just the image of his face behind your closed eyes was enough to make you feel like crying.

You made a muffled groan before reaching your fingers out for your phone, your eyes still squeezed shut. But you obviously over-stretched, because the next thing you knew, you were falling onto the ground with a thud. You screeched in pain as your elbow hit the corner of the center table, sharp spasms shooting up the nerve endings in your arm. 

It really wasn’t a surprise then, when you burst into frustrated tears, clutching your throbbing elbow and sniffling loudly. Everything hurt. Your heart the most of all.

You only stopped crying when you heard a soft whine from the nursery. You stood up shakily, brushing the tears from your face. Yuna was trying to stand in her crib, her newly growing hair all fluffy, her eyes still heavy with sleep.

You picked her up and held her close, letting out a breath. “What should I do, Yuna?” you murmured. “How do I get him back?”

She only blinked at you innocently, her wide eyes so clear of any concerns or worries that you almost envied them. You could almost imagine how yours looked, red and swollen and tired. 

Yuna seemingly noticed your unease, and she nuzzled into your chest, as if to offer some sort of comfort. It oddly made you want to cry again instead.

You fed her and gave her a bath, all the while feeling a sense of heaviness in your heart. The house was much too quiet. Hanna was off visiting family and so she wasn’t going to be coming in either. 

You felt as if you were actually going to lose your mind.

And then, something crazy happened. An idea clicked into place.

You grabbed your phone with shaky hands, your fingers tapping furiously at the screen as you pulled up the flight schedules online. 

11 a.m. His flight to Busan was going to leave at 11 a.m. Your phone told you that it was currently just past 10 a.m. 

If you didn’t do anything...Sehun was going to leave in a hour. And this time it was going to be difficult to get him to come back.

You leapt up from the couch, your mind whirling as you grabbed your car keys and your wallet. You picked up Yuna in a rush, and pulled open the door of the apartment, barely thinking straight as you pressed the buttons on the elevator.

You had to stop him. 

You fastened Yuna into her car seat, and she giggled, seemingly excited at the prospect of going on a long drive. “Keep your fingers crossed baby girl,” you breathed, biting your lip as you slammed your foot down on the accelerator with more force than you ever had in your life.

You sped down the streets and onto the highway, your mind blank of every thought but Sehun. You had never attempted something this impulsive, and your heart was beating wildly, thumping through your chest as you put a hand there as if to steady it. 

You were pretty sure you had incurred a fine for speeding somewhere along the way, but you managed to reach the airport in record time. 10:35 a.m. If you rushed, you could still make it. 

You frantically pushed your way to the check-in counter, with a bewildered Yuna in your arms. “I need 2 tickets for the 11 a.m flight to Busan,” you gasped, fiddling with your wallet with one hand and trying to get your credit card out. “Please.”

The lady blinked. “It departs in 20 minutes.”

“I know,” you blurted. “Which is why I need the tickets. Right now.”

You were ready to kill the woman. You half wanted to grab her laptop and book the tickets yourself. And when you saw how much you had to spend on the tickets, you were ready to kill Sehun. 

Why wasn’t he answering the goddamn phone?

You all but ran through the airport, your heart dropping when Yuna began to cry, her tears heavy and seemingly relentless. “Shh, baby, please,” you said desperately, nearly tripping over your feet in an effort to get to the boarding gate. “We’re going to go find Sehun—Dada, okay?” She sniffled at his mention of his name.

Please please please. The words were repeating in your head like a mantra. Please let it not be too late.

Your breath was coming in gasps by the time you got there, your hair out of its messy bun, your face red from running, holding a crying baby in your arms. The staff at the counter looked visibly concerned as they saw you.

You felt your heart crumble into dust at the look on their faces. Because you knew what they were going to say before they did.

“I’m sorry ma’am...the gate is closed. The flight is ready for takeoff.”

It was too late. Sehun was gone.

You were trying your very hardest to hold it together as you dejectedly shoved your key into the apartment door. What a complete and utter failure that had been. You felt like a fool.

You took a ragged breath as Yuna toddled down the hallway into her nursery. How you wished you could be as unaffected as she was. It seemed so easy for her. You, well...you felt drained. Guilty, angry, heart broken. 

You pushed your hair off your face, biting your lip furiously to keep yourself from crying. You dragged your feet towards the living room, your heart impossibly heavy.

It would be okay. You had to believe that it would be okay. Sehun could still be a part of your life, couldn’t he? He was a part of Yuna’s life. Maybe that was just going to have to be enough for you. You had to come to terms with the fact that he wasn’t going to be yours, not anymore. 

You’d been the reason for that, by pushing him away.

It wasn’t until a cough rang through the silence that you realized someone was in the house.

You screamed.

“Jesus christ. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Your heart very nearly stopped beating right then and there.

It was Sehun. 

You gaped at him. “Y-you—”

“Look, I had my keys, and I thought you’d be home, so I let myself in,” he said a little awkwardly. You felt like you were dreaming. A million things were running through your mind, a million questions, a million answers. But the first thing you blurted out was “Why didn’t you answer any of my calls?”

Sehun dropped his gaze sheepishly. “I wasn’t sure what I would say to you over the phone,” he said. “Which is why I came.”

Your heart started to flutter. “Sehun, I wanted to—”

“Wait,” he cut. “Me first.” 

You held a breath.

“I’ve thought about us. About everything. And I finally figured out why Junmyeon and Jisoo picked us” he said softly. “It’s because they wanted Yuna to grow up with a family, a family like they were. And you and me and her together...we’re one. We’re a family.”

You felt a lump form in your throat.

“And when I’m away...I don’t just miss her, or miss you. I miss us. I miss our family,” he said finally, swallowing. “And I don’t care that we’ve got it all backwards, or that we had a baby before we were even in love or before we were married, because all I know is that I fell in love with you. I fell in love with our family.”

“Sehun.” He took a shaky breath as you spoke. 

“I-I was at the airport.”

Your heart leaped as his eyes dawned in realization. 

“I was at the airport because I wanted to tell you to stay. That I’m sorry, that I missed you,” you said, cupping his cheek with your hand, your thumb brushing against his skin.

Sehun shut his eyes. 

“And that I still love you too. So much,” you whispered.

And then he was crushing you against him, with such urgency that it took your breath away. You blinked back tears as you wrapped your arms around him, breathing in the scent of his familiar cologne. “We’re so stupid,” he mumbled into your hair, squeezing you even tighter. “So so stupid. I’m never letting you go again.”

Somehow, this time, you knew he meant it. And you weren’t going to let him go either. You clutched him even tighter, and he lifted you off the ground, making you laugh in surprise.

Yuna's giggling made you pull away, her small face peeking out from behind the doorway.

Sehun smiled as he whisked her into his arms and she brightened considerably. “Dada!”

You bit your lip as Sehun’s face went slack in surprise, his eyes darting to yours. “Wh-what did she just say?”

“Mama!” said Yuna this time, reaching her arms out to you. You took her from Sehun with a small smile as his lips parted in amazement. 

“I don’t know what to say,” he murmured, rubbing the back of his neck. “But it...it feels right.”

You gave Yuna a soft kiss on her cheek. Something about it did feel right. It felt a little wild, it felt a little crazy. But Sehun was right. It felt right.

It felt like the first sign that everything was finally going to be okay.

Sehun captured your lips in a chaste kiss, his fingers cupping your cheeks gently, and as he kissed you, you could swear you had never felt more alive.

As you broke away you gazed at him, into those eyes you’d grown so familiar with, those eyes that held so much hope and promise that you found yourself wanting to lose yourself in them, forever. 

He was the man you’d never made it to the first date with, the one you’d sworn to hate for eternity. But he was also the man whose world had come crashing down the same way yours had, the one who knew your pain, your fears, your worries. He was the only other person who loved a certain little girl as much as you did. The little girl who had started it all.

You and Sehun. Sehun and you. And Yuna as the centre of your slightly crazy, but undoubtedly happy world. A family.

One you were going to love fiercely for the rest of your life.

3 years later.

“Mommy!”

You turned as you heard the sound of soft, determined footsteps approaching you in the kitchen. “I’m in here, Yuna!” you called, setting the last of the dishes aside.

It was funny, you thought, how much could change in just a few years. Your little Yuna, who could just about mumble words and stumble on her tiny feet, was now a growing girl with a curious mind of her own.

If taking care of a baby had been hard, handling a frantically energetic 5-year-old was sometimes a nightmare. But you’d be lying if you said you didn’t love every second of your life with Yuna. 

Every day felt like a new adventure, especially since she’d started pre-school. You’d pick her up every afternoon, and she’d rattle on with countless stories about her day, and you’d listen with a smile, amused at how little things managed to excite her so much. 

Even now, she was undoubtedly seeking you out to tell you something, and as she poked her head around the doorway, an excited grin on her face, you couldn’t help but smile back.

Sometimes, it hit you all at once, how much she’d grown. She wasn’t a baby any longer, though to you she would always remain one. She was taller, her hair twisted into little pigtails, her cheeks pink and her eyes twinkling. She looked more and more like Jisoo day by day, the likeness sometimes so striking that it made your heart ache.

“Look what I drew at school today!”

She held up a drawing, and your eyes widened. “It’s lovely, Yuna! But...why have you drawn me like that?”

Yuna giggled. “Because! That’s how you look. Your sto—”

She was cut off by the sound of the doorbell. “Daddy!” she squealed, and before you could say anything, she was dashing out of the kitchen. You followed behind, shaking your head in amusement.

You crossed your arms over your chest, leaning against the wall as Yuna launched herself at the tall man who was entering the apartment, his face already lit into a smile. “Hi princess,” he said, crouching down to let Yuna plant a kiss onto his cheek.

And then his eyes were locking onto yours, his grin never leaving his face as he walked towards you, raising his eyebrows. Sometimes it still annoyed you, how effortlessly handsome he was. Though you were by now so used to his perfect face, Oh Sehun still managed to surprise you with his good looks.

“What, no kisses for me?” he asked, and you rolled your eyes. Sehun leaned in and brushed his lips against yours, his hand reaching down and intertwining with your fingers. His thumb brushed over the sparkling jewel on your ring finger as he kissed you, and you felt your heart flutter. All these years later, he still managed to get you flustered over the littlest things.

He pulled back, still smiling. “As your husband, I’m slightly offended by the fact that you didn’t want to kiss me.”

Husband. It didn’t feel real, sometimes. That two years ago, you’d gotten married to Sehun, and that it had ended up being the best decision you had ever made. 

He had moved back from Busan in a matter of 6 months, and since then, neither of you had looked back. When he had proposed, you had said yes without even thinking twice. Because you had known that it was what you wanted. 

You wanted to spend the rest of your life with him.

You woke up every morning to whispered I love you’s and warm snuggles, the days filled with laughter and banter and silly arguments, the nights ending with you sometimes wanting to kill him, but loving him so much that it ended up not mattering anyway. 

What made you happiest, though, was seeing Yuna grow up in the way you knew Jisoo and Junmyeon had always wanted. In a loving household, with parents who loved her with every inch of their being, and who loved each other, too. A happy family.

That was soon going to grow.

Sehun’s eyes twinkled in amusement as Yuna handed him her drawing, and he snorted as he took in the doodle of you. Your hands automatically dropped to graze against your stomach.

“Do-does it really look that big?” you asked, feeling self-conscious.

Sehun shook his head, a soft laugh leaving his lips. You held a breath as he replaced your hand with his instead, his fingers ghosting over your stomach, gentle as they tried to sense the life that was blooming beneath.

Your baby.

The day you’d found out, nine months ago, was clear as crystal in your memory. The emotions you’d felt; shock, joy, uncertainty, fear. You remembered the look on Sehun’s face, his lips parted in amazement as the very first image of the baby was displayed on the ultrasound. 

You remembered feeling guilty, scared of what it meant, you having a child. 

You had wondered whether it was somehow unfair to Yuna, if you had a child of your own, and whether you would find yourself changing in your attitude towards her. You were terrified of developing some sort of a bias, of becoming a bad mother, of neglecting your duties towards her.

But Yuna was the one who had been the most delighted, ecstatic at the prospect of having a little brother or sister to play with. The first time the baby had kicked, Yuna had squealed in surprise, and Sehun had been so taken aback that he’d barely been able to speak. Seeing her so excited and happy, you’d realized that there wasn’t a chance that your fears would ever really materialize. 

Yuna wasn’t biologically yours, but that thought never crossed your mind as you cared for her. You loved her like any mother loved her child, and you realized then, that you having another child couldn’t possibly change the way you felt about Yuna. You would love them both, just as fiercely.

Sehun too, had been understandably nervous. Worried, about having to start from scratch and raise another baby. You’d fought a couple of times, both of you stressed and confused, until Sehun had finally declared that you were both acting stupid. That if you’d done it once, surely you could do it again. 

Together.

And now, nine months in, Sehun absolutely couldn’t wait to experience becoming a father, yet again.

“How are you feeling?” he murmured, his hand still incredibly gentle. You let out a breath. “I’m not sure. I’ve been uneasy all day, but the doctors said there’s still 2 weeks until I’m even due so I—”

You broke off, gnawing at your lip. Sehun furrowed his brows. “Huh. Maybe the baby’s going to come early?”

“I don’t know,” you sighed. “Being pregnant is confusing. I just want this to be over.”

Sehun kissed your cheek. “You’ve been amazing, babe. Honestly. I remember Junmyeon went nuts when Jisoo had her mood swings with Yuna. You’ve been uh...surprisingly calm.”

You scowled. “Not helping.”

He chuckled. “Let’s go out to eat? You me and Yuna? It’ll get your mind off it.”

And so 10 minutes later, you were sitting in the car, your seatbelt fastened carefully over your bump. Nine months later and you were still getting accustomed to having it there. 

Yuna was jumping in the back seat, begging for her favorite songs to be played on the stereo, and Sehun was singing along loudly and over enthusiastically. You couldn’t help but be reminded of when Junmyeon and Jisoo had been the same, and how Sehun and you had found it so embarrassing. And now here you both were, unabashedly jamming to children’s music with a 5-year-old.

A sudden popping sensation from somewhere in your lower body made you gasp, and you grabbed Sehun’s arm abruptly. 

Could it be...?

Sehun glanced at you in surprise. “ I-I think my water just broke,” you breathed, and if you weren’t about to freak out yourself, you would have begun laughing at the complete look of terror on Sehun’s face.

“Shit. Shit. Okay. Shit,” he began, and you smacked him in the arm. “Don’t swear in front of Yuna,” you said, gasping as you felt the unmistakable flow of a liquid trickle down your thigh. 

It was really happening.

Sehun swerved the car, making a beeline for the hospital as you tried to breath in and out, your heart starting to beat erratically. You were clutching onto his arm so tight that you were pretty sure his skin was going to bear marks from your nails soon.

He pulled up to the entrance with a screech, jumping out and slamming the door as he rushed over to your side. You got out carefully, trying very hard to stay calm as Yuna grabbed your hand, her eyes wide. “Mommy’s going to be okay, hm?” you assured her, in the process somewhat assuring yourself.

You were going to give birth.

Everything seemed to pass by in a blur as Sehun ushered you into the hospital. The next thing you knew you were being wheeled on a stretcher into a room with blinding lights, and you could hear Yuna start to cry when she was stopped from coming with you. But you couldn’t even reassure her, because your contractions were getting shorter and shorter, and you felt dizzy in anticipation and quite frankly, fear.

You had never quite experienced this level of excruciating pain before. Even Sehun was deathly pale beside you as you screamed and sobbed, but his hand never once left yours, squeezing so hard that you feared your blood supply getting cut off. 

You weren’t sure how long the entire ordeal took. But at the end, you heard crying, and it might have been the baby, or it might have been you. It might even have been Sehun. 

All you heard before you blacked out was a soft voice.

“It’s a boy!”

When your eyes finally fluttered open, you felt light. You blinked slowly, reality finally hitting you as you realized where you were, and what had happened.

A baby boy. You had given birth to a baby boy.

“You’re awake,” said a tentative voice, and you turned your head to see your husband looking down at you worriedly, his lower lip bruised red from his teeth’s assault of it. 

You let out a somewhat relieved breath when you saw that Yuna was next to him, looking at you curiously. You automatically held out your hand to her, and she squeezed it, a smile returning to her face.

“Where’s the baby?” you asked cautiously, and Sehun got up, walking over to the far side of the room. 

It was as if all time slowed down when you saw him carefully pick up a tiny bundle, his hands incredibly gentle as he held it close to his chest. His eyes were soft as he gazed down at the newborn baby, and you felt your heart swell as you took in the sight.

You flashed back to 5 years ago, when you had seen him hold Yuna like that. How the two of you had quarreled, even then, but how you’d been surprised at his gentleness with her. Even though you’d disliked him, you hadn’t been able to deny the way his love for her had shone through, blinding out the parts of him that you had despised. 

And now here he was, as your husband, and as a father of not one, but two children. He’d become a man you’d fallen in love with, a man you still fell in love with, over and over, every single day. It struck you how you couldn’t possibly love him any more than you did in that moment, so fully, as he blinked back sudden tears, his arms shaking slightly as he finally handed your baby to you. 

You couldn’t help a soft gasp that left you as you gazed down at the tiny baby, whose eyes were squeezed shut, his fists curled up in his blanket. You’d loved him for nine months. You were ready to love him with your entire being for the rest of his life.

You held a breath as you placed a soft kiss to his small forehead, your heart leaping as Sehun put his arm around you, his other hand holding Yuna close.

You wondered if from somewhere up in the sky, Jisoo and Junmyeon were looking down at you. If they were at peace, if they were happy. Somehow, you knew in your heart that they were. That their blessings were going to remain with you and this family of yours, forever.

Your beautiful family.

And at last, all was well.

A/N: And there you have it! What a fun journey it’s been, writing this series. I hope the ending is one you all like, because I feel like that’s something I’m still nervous about, even though I don’t think I wanted it to end any other way. I honestly never thought that this series would get the enormous amount of love that it did, and I’m so, so incredibly grateful to everyone who has supported it throughout; whether it be by sending me asks or commenting or even just reading! Every kind message made this whole experience even more exciting, and for that, I want to say thank you :) I hope you had as much fun reading as I’ve had writing! x

[xukunstellation]

open wounds; the fighting. [chapter 1.2]

summary: the worst part about falling in love is how much it hurts. they say time heals all wounds, but the scars left behind never really go away.

» the fighting: 1.1 // 1.2 // 1.3

» the break up: 2.1 // 2.2 // 2.3

» moving on: 3.1 // 3.2 // 3.3

Warning: mild cursing, mentions of alcohol

↬  huang justin.

Saturdays were easily your favorite day of the week. You rejoiced in the fact that you were able to sleep in well into the afternoon and stay up into the late hours of the night without having to dread going to work the next day. It was a day for you to let loose and have fun away from the stressful motions of your life.

Unfortunately, you were not having it this Saturday.

You had woken up feeling like a complete wreck. Although you had gotten at least a solid nine hours of sleep, your energy levels were low as if you hadn’t have slept at all. Your muscles ached every time you tried to move. The palms of your hands felt sweaty even though slight chills engulfed your entire being. Wincing, you frequently had to close your eyes for a moment every now and then to calm the reoccurring headache pounding against your skull.

This, of course, couldn’t have come at worst time considering you had promised your boyfriend, Justin, that you would hang out with him. Your schedules had finally matched up between his promotions and your classes. Based off his excited voice on the phone the previous night, you knew how excited he was for today. You didn’t have the heart to cancel on him because you were feeling under the weather (though that was an understatement since you felt like shit).

Rummaging through your medicine cabinet, you mentally cursed at yourself. You stared at a medium bag of cotton balls, rubbing alcohol, a pack of band-aids, some gauze and other miscellaneous medical things. It looks like you didn’t have any kind of pills or medicine to help your symptoms at the moment. You’ll have to pick some up later. Sighing, you figured you could deal with the pain for a couple of hours for Justin’s sake.

The knocking of your front door was brought to your attention. As you opened the door, to your confusion you were met with no one. Peaking your head out, you saw Justin leaning against the wall while looking at his phone in an attempt to look cool. If you had the energy for it, you would have rolled your eyes in amusement.

“Miss me?” he smiled smugly.

“Do I know you?” you playfully responded with an eyebrow raised.

Losing his cool facade, he reverted to the adorable boy you loved as he whined, “Aw, that’s so mean! I come all the way here and you treat me like this?”

Laughing lightly, you ushered him into your home and hugged him with what little energy you had. “I missed you, dork.”

He immediately returns your hug, squeezing you more than you could tolerate but you forced yourself to smile. You saw how happy he was to hold you. Holding you at an arms distance, he took a good look at you still in your pajamas and no makeup on.

Justin tsked, “Have you been lazing around all day before I came?”

“When am I not?” you shrugged.

“True, but not today! Your wonderful boyfriend has planned an amazingly fun date at the arcade today! I heard they brought in new games to play,” he informed, stars sparkling in his eyes.

A heavy weight pulled at your chest at the thought of having to go out. You almost forgot how much Justin liked to go out for your dates. The pounding in your head and the chills you were feeling caused you to clench your fists behind your back so Justin wouldn’t see.

Timidly, you asked him, “Is it okay if we just stay in-”

Cutting you off mid-sentence, he shook his head, “Nope, you can’t keep living like a sloth at home all day. That’s such a boring thing to do.”

Something about his words stung you. “What’s that supposed to mean? Are you implying that I’m boring?” you interrogated.

To your annoyance, he merely grabbed a soda can from your fridge and took a sip. “All I’m saying is that there are so many better things to do than stay home all the time like you do. Why do you think I’m always the brain of planning out our hangouts?” he replied casually.

“That’s because you never let me have a say in any decision! We’re always doing whatever you want to do or else you pout and complain all the time!” you glowered, feeling your throat begin to dry.

“Then, why do you go along with everything I say if it bothers you so much?” he yelled back, clearly offended by your words.

“Because you don’t give me a chance to explain! You’re so stubborn that you refuse to listen to what I have to say,” you retorted, throwing up your arms in exasperation.

“You say that as if you actually make good decisions.”

↬  lin yanjun.

You knew something was wrong the moment Yanjun’s manager called you and asked to meet alone at the company. Considering you and Yanjun had been dating for well over a year now, even before he joined Idol Producer and debuted in Nine Percent, it came as a complete shock when his manager demanded you the words you prayed you’d never hear from him.

“I’m sorry, but the company has instructed that you terminate your relationship with Lin Yanjun, effective immediately.”

'Terminate’. You wanted to laugh at that. They made it sound as if your relationship with Yanjun was some sort of signed agreement when it wasn’t like that at all. You both cared for each other. Furthermore, you were confused as to why the company was suddenly forcing you two to break up after a year of being together when they had previously okay’d it as long as the public didn’t find out. As far as the public is concerned, they had no idea that Yanjun had already set his eyes on one person: you. 

“The last thing that Yanjun needs is a distraction or a scandal.”

Ouch. You took offense from this statement here. His manager was blatantly calling you a distraction when all you’ve ever done for Yanjun was support him. You understood that Yanjun was at the prime of his career, so you always encouraged him to focus on performing, even going as far as prioritizing his career over your relationship at times. 

You also understood the severity that a scandal would cause on Yanjun’s career, which is exactly why you and Yanjun were extremely careful at keeping your relationship under wraps via disguises whenever you were out in public together or meeting up either at his company or at the dorms where either he or the other boys would sneak you in. Seeing that it’s been over a year and you still hadn’t been caught, you’d say you both were doing an amazing job at keeping your relationship private.

“He’s a star and living his best life on the stage.”

You agreed. All of the stars in the night sky paled in comparison to the star that was Yanjun on stage. You never wanted to forget the passion that burned in his eyes, the charisma that oozed from his aura, or the way lyrics flowed from his lips like honey or sharp bullets. He fell in love with music before he fell in love with you. Music was his first love.

“You don’t want to ruin that for him, do you?”

Those words echoed like a dark mantra in your mind. It was these words that made you question your existence in your boyfriend’s life. Without a doubt, you loved Yanjun and you also had no doubt that he loved you too. But with each passing day, you watched as he grew more and more popular. People were recognizing him every time he went out, making it hard for you to see each other lately. With all the advertisements, tv appearances, and tour, he had to dedicate his all into being an idol. If word got out that he was dating you, it’ll all be over for him before he can even blink. Were you willing to risk it all for your relationship?

No, you painfully thought. 

There was no way you’d let yourself be the reason for Yanjun’s downfall if word got out. You’ll never forgive yourself if all of his hard work went to waste all because you wanted to selfishly keep him for yourself. If breaking up with Yanjun meant he could continue doing what he loved, so be it. You told yourself to break up with him the next day.

But you couldn’t do it. No matter how much you internally screamed at yourself to finish the deed, your heart would always betray you. So, you did the second best thing. You ignored him. You did everything physically possible to cut off contact with him, which included denying his calls, refusing to read his texts (or any of the other boys’), and even detouring your normal route to places that you normally went to avoid meeting him. 

“...(Y/N)?”

Unfortunately, you seemed to have taken the wrong route because standing in front of you was the cause of your anguish.

“Yanjun...” you breathed, standing on the sidewalk a few feet across from him.

Despite the dim warm light of the street lamp, you can clearly make out the various expressions that crossed his face. First was surprise, as if he was hallucinating that you were really in front of him. Second was realization. When he saw that it was really you, he instantly strided to you and held you firmly to his chest.

“Do you understand how fucking worried I was? You haven’t been answering any of my-”

To his shock, you harshly pushed him away, making him stumble back a few steps from the sheer force of your strength. By looking away to the ground, you missed the way his eyes flashed with confusion and hurt.

“You don’t have to worry about me. I’m not a child. Did you stop to think that maybe I didn’t want to hear from you?” you icily said.

Yanjun stared at you in disbelief. He slowly processed your words before angrily replying, “What’s wrong with you? What the hell did I do?”

“You didn’t do anything!” you yelled, shaking your head violently.

That was the worst part. He didn’t do anything to you besides love you.

You didn’t want to do this.

“Then, why are you avoiding me?” he shouted, running a hand through his hair in distress. “There obviously is something wrong here because-”

“Because I don’t love you anymore!”

But you had to.

↬  zhu zhengting.

The bass of the EDM track being played in the club boomed, causing the room to vibrate by the sheer intensity of the sound. Red, green, blue and white strobe lights flashed across the room. A mass of hot bodies grinded against each other on the dance floor.

You along with your boyfriend, Zhengting, and your group of friends were all happily cramped in your own private booth. With a cheer, you all clinked your glasses together and toasted to the birthday of one of your girl friends. While your rowdy friends all drowned their shots, you and Zhengting sipped on your drinks. Zhengting was the designated driver for the day, so he opted for water. Meanwhile, you weren’t looking to get wasted and was perfectly content with your strawberry-rose spritzer. 

“(Y/N)! Zhengting!” the birthday girl named Xuanyi called out. “Let’s go dance!”

With a smile, you shook your head and politely declined, “I think I’m going to sit this one out.”

She shrugged, turning to Zhengting. “What about you?”

“I think I’m going to stay back and keep her company,” he replied.

Xuanyi sighed dreamily and looked at the two of you in envy. “How romantic. The two of you were basically made for each other. When will I find the perfect man for me?”

Just as she said that, an attractive male walked up to her and asked for a dance. You and Zhengting laughed as she happily accepted his invitation. Watching all of your friends saunter off to the dance floor, you were left alone with your boyfriend.

“You didn’t have to stay here with me. You could have gone and danced with them,” you said, feeling a little guilty.

Zhengting shook his head and lightly pinched your cheek, earning him a light swat on the hand from you. “It’s alright. How could I possibly leave you alone in a place like this, especially when my only dance partner is you?” he responded.

Despite the cringe, you couldn’t help but smile at his thoughtfulness. “I don’t know about that. Your impromptu dance stage with Eunki back in Produce 101 was pretty iconic.”

“You know what, you’re absolutely right. Do you think he’s here right now? I might leave you to go ask him to dance.”

“Make sure to ask for his number.”

“I-...That wasn’t the reaction I was expecting.”

He pouted at you as you teasingly winked at him. No matter how many times he insisted he wasn’t cute, you were convinced that cuteness ran in his blood though he did have his manly moments. You loved a man with duality.

“(Y/N)?”

Turning your head to the sound of whoever was calling you, you nearly dropped your drink as you met eyes with Ruojian, otherwise known as your ex. You hadn’t seen him in quite some time, so to bump into him in the middle of the club came as a shock to you. From the looks of it, he still looked as handsome as he was when you broke up. He was about a head taller than you. His raven hair was styled into a mid fade. The style of his clothes was chic casual, though he decided to throw on a black bomber jacket to make his outfit more club appropriate. Your heart uneasily wavered at the way his chestnut brown eyes gazed at you fondly.

“Ruojian,” you managed to utter out. “What a surprise to see you.”

He nodded slowly, “I think it’s been a little bit over a year since I left.”

An unsettling weight rested in Zhengting’s stomach as he watched the two of you exchange words. Who was this guy? As if hearing his thoughts, you slipped your hand into his in what he believed was a reassuring manner. Little did he know, you did it more so as support for yourself. Although he was suspicious, Zhengting had to remember his manners.

“Ruojian, was it? I’m Zhengting, (Y/N)’s boyfriend. How did you meet them?” he asked with a small smile, doing his best to remain polite.

For a moment, Ruojian’s eyes flickered with what he thought was hurt, but was gone in a blink. Turning to look at you, he smiled sadly and responded, “We used to date back when we were in high school. Unfortunately, we had to break up because I got offered to study abroad in America. I’m currently on break, so I’m visiting home. I didn’t expect to bump into her, much less at a club.”

“I was worried about whether she’d be okay when I left. It looks like I have nothing to worry about since she has you now, huh?”

You remained silent, unable to process the soft look in Ruojian’s eyes mixed with the pain hidden behind them. Why did you heart hurt so much?

Zhengting’s words brought your attention back to the conversation. “She’s in good hands. There’s nothing to worry about as long as she’s with me,” he stated, his words holding a tiny edge to them that you were able to pick up.

Ruojian nodded with a bitter-sweet smile. “I’m glad. I guess I’ll see you around, (Y/N).”

As he took a few steps away from you two, you suddenly called out to him. “Ruojian!”

Catching both him and Zhengting by surprise, Ruojian tilted his head to indicate he was listening.

“I-I’m glad that you’re back. Take care of yourself, ok?” you stuttered.

He looked at you with wide eyes before chuckling. He shouted back, “Thank you.”

You watched as he slipped his way through the crowd of people. Seeing him after all this time brought back memories you thought you had forgotten. Neither of you wanted to break up when you did. You were very much in love with him but you knew a long distance relationship wouldn’t work for you both, so you broke up on good terms. He had been a near perfect boyfriend for you and you experienced many firsts with him, including him being your first love. But that was all in the past.

A voice called out to you, barely catching your attention over the sound of the blaring music and from your trip down memory lane. Shit. You completely forgot you were standing right next to your boyfriend. His face was unreadable and devoid of any emotion. 

“You still love him, don’t you?” he asked.

You should’ve had no hesitance answering. After all, Zhengting was your boyfriend. Your heart belonged to him now.. right? Your body betrayed you, your hand slipping from his own and your throat tightening and suffocating your words from being said.

Zhengting scoffed at you. His hands fell to his side lifelessly. Your silence was enough of an answer for him. He turned on his heel and walked away from you.

“Zhengting, wait! It’s not what you think!”

But it was too late. Your words fell on deaf ears as he exited the club.

[midnight-circus]

alphabetical OC meme

filled this out for Lord Asshole bc i cant write anything so i may as well fill in questionnaires instead

also numerous numbers and at least one section were missing when i copied it so idk what happened there

under the cut bc its Long As Hell

A: Aptitude 1. what are your oc’s natural abilities, things they’ve been doing since young? // Independence lmao. He could get through his whole life relying entirely on himself if need be. He wouldn’t be happy, but he’d survive. He’s also naturally intellectual and has never had to try very hard in academia.

2. what activities have they participated in? // literally what does this mean. Safe to say he’s not exactly playing team sports.

3. what abilities do they have that they’ve worked for? // He’s had to work extremely hard to shed the bad habits learnt whilst growing up in a white aristocratic dysfunctional family. Other than that, he’s a talented pianist – the only thing his mother was ever proud of. Also sending work-emails that don’t make him sound like a total dick. still working on that tbh

4. what things are they bad at? // Honestly, anything creative. He’s very intelligent but has absolutely no artistic talent, and he’s not at all imaginative – creating something out of nothing when it doesn’t have a logical or scientific basis is pretty beyond him.

5. what is their most impressive talent? // In his original AU, and any fantasy AUs I force him kicking and screaming into, swordsmanship. He’s pretty untouchable with a blade.

B: Basics 1. what is their hair color?// Dark brown, close to black.

2. what is their eye color? // Also dark brown.

3. how tall are they? // 6’2

4. how old are they? // He fluctuates depending on the AU, but his default base-age is 34.

5. how much do they weigh? // Generally between 150-180lbs, depending on his age, eating habits and mental state. When he’s going through stress, his eating and sleeping patterns are the first to nosedive.

C: Comfort 1. how do they sit in a chair? // His posture leaves a lot to be desired. He slouches pretty badly, and to be honest his height makes it difficult to get comfortable in most regular chairs. He also manspreads, though to be fair his legs are about 3 miles long and it’s hard to know where to put them honestly

2. in what position do they sleep? // Either on his side or his front. Never on his back.

4. what is their major comfort food? why? // oh man sugar. His eating habits aren’t good at the best of times, but when he’s feeling Mentally Ill he’s prone to 4am binges of as much sugar as conceivably possible in one sitting. He then goes for a 5am run until he throws up, so yknow. all nice and healthy.

5. who is the best at comforting them when down? // Elrick. Gross. Also Kat, to be fair.

D: Decoration 1. how would they decorate a house if they had one under their name? // He’s very fond of Nordic design and tries to keep vibrancy to a minimum, because he’s a boring bitch. Light walls, dark woods, pretty stylish furniture but no chrome Thank You Very Much; accent colours would probably be dark blues or greens. Plants, but only if he doesn’t have to water them because he Will forget and they Will all die. He’s also anal as fuck and despises mess and disorder, which makes living with Elrick fuckin interesting to say the least.

2. how would they decorate their child’s room? // however they wanted as long as it wasn’t pastels bc a man has to draw the line somewhere

3. how do they decorate their own room? // muted, calm, maybe a little regency – he accessorises more in the bedroom than he does in the rest of the house, gold accents here and there, that sort of thing. Less austere, more opulent. At the end of the day, he’s from an aristocratic background, however unhealthy his upbringing was – he can never quite shed the appreciation for luxe.

4. what type of clothes and accessories do they wear? // He dresses well – very put-together, if very monochrome. He doesn’t do casual very well and will avoid jeans unless he has no other choice. He would quite literally rather die than wear shorts. As for colours, generally blacks, greys, dark jewel-tones (maroons, dark greens, dark purples, etc). Very rarely light colours, and if he does wear light tones he layers them – a white shirt under a dark leather jacket, for example. As for accessories, he stays simple with a decent watch (Patek Phillipe, thanks, none of this Rolex bullshit) and two rings (wedding ring and onyx signet ring – family heirloom, the only one he has). He knows how to dress to suit himself.

5. do they like makeup/nail/beauty trends? // >:[  

E: External Personality 1. does the way they do things portray their internal personality? // For the most part. How he behaves has been moulded over many years by how he thinks and feels, and it’s hard to shed the habits of a lifetime. EG, he’s very neurotic and it does have an impact on his organisation – if his mental state slips into decline, so too does his command over his surroundings and his ability to keep things on track.

2. do they do things that conform to the norm? // Again, for the most part. A key element of his upbringing was the overbearing sense of being watched, being judged, being on display; one behaves the way one is expected to behave, and one never deviates from that path. Obviously he fucked that one right up when he started putting dicks in his mouth, but it still remains something of a mantra.

3. do they follow trends or do their own thing? // Neither, really. He doesn’t follow trends because he’s actually 70 years old and doesn’t know what they are, but nor is he particularly unconventional. He does his own thing because he has no idea what anybody else is currently doing.

4. are they up-to-date on the internet fads? // oh god no. he has a twitter account but the last time he used it he got drunk and tweeted at jeremy paxman that he was a cunt so he doesn’t really engage with it very much

5. do they portray their personality intentionally or let people figure it out on their own? // People are left to figure it out. He doesn’t go out of his way to make friends or advertise his personality – he’s friendly when he needs to be, but is not the sort of person to go out actively socialising.

G: Gorgeous 1. what is their most attractive external feature? // His height makes him pretty popular and he knows how to dress well. He also has that particular ‘tall, thin, dark hair, pale skin, heroin-addict-esque’ chic that some people tend to go for. He doesn’t really get it, himself.

2. what is the most attractive part of their personality? // He’s witty in a very dry way – a little sharper than run-of-the-mill sarcasm.

3. what benefits come with being their friend? // Ok honestly? Money lmao. idk man you’d have to ask Kat bc she’s the only one who’s lasted this long

4. what parts of them do they like and dislike? // Though he projects an aura of self-assurance, he really doesn’t like very much about himself; his upbringing and unhealthy relationship with Catholicism did a number of his self-esteem. He’s proud of his intellect and knows he is smarter than the average person, but other than that, not a great deal.

5. what parts of others do they envy? // General happiness. He’s a melancholy person by nature and doesn’t tend to feel a swell of positive emotions for no reason – he can’t help but feel there’s something inherently wrong in his brain.

H: Heat 1. do they rather a hot or cold room? // n e i t h e r bitch his internal temperature must remain on an even keel at all times. Probably cold, if he was forced to pick.

2. do they prefer summer or winter? // Winter because it means he can wear layers

3. do they like the snow? // yes but he’ll never admit it. he finds it romantic. that must never be repeated.

4. do they have a favorite summer activity? // lying in front of the fridge cursing God

5. do they have a favorite winter activity? // coffee dates. Independent coffee shops, mind you – fuck Sbux.

I: In-the-closet 1. what is their sexuality? // Gay

2. have they ever questioned their sexuality? // he spent more than half his teen years wishing he was straight

3. have they ever questioned their gender? // No

4. would/was their family be okay with them being LGBT? // mother denies it completely, father kicked him out, brother doesn’t give a shit bc he’s bi as hell himself

5. how long would/did it take for them to come out? // He was forced out at 16 when he was caught with a boyfriend in the boathouse of Darlington estate – it marked the end of an already abusive parental relationship. To be honest, it’s hard to say if he would have ever had the courage to come out himself.

J: Joy 1. what makes them happy? // Feeling loved. He got very little of that in his youth.

2. who makes them happy? // Elrick has an uncanny ability. Who’d have thought it.

3. are there any songs that bring them joy? // He particularly loves Dancing in the Dark by Springsteen, and All Along the Watchtower by Hendrix. Neither are very joyful songs, granted, but they’re two of his favourites.

4. are they happy often? // He’s contented often, and he enjoys his life. ‘Happy’, though? Not sure.

K: Kill 1. have they ever thought about suicide? // More than once.

2. have they ever thought about homicide? // Not with any real intent. In a modern AU, anyway – can’t say the same for any of his other incarnations.

3. if they could kill anyone without punishment, would they? who? // Way deep down somewhere, he’d be tempted to say his father.

4. who would miss them if they died? // More people than he knows.

5. who would be happy they died, anyone? // lmao the tax agency probably. His father wouldn’t be happy, per se, but perhaps it would solve a problem.

L: Lemons 1. what is their favorite fruit? // Black cherries.

2. what is their least favorite fruit? // fuck bananas, honestly

3. are there any foods they hate? // Peanut butter can die, and also asparagus can also die.

4. do they have any food intolerances?  // Not that he knows of.

5. what is their favorite food? // Probably Thai or Korean.

M: Maternal 1. would they want a daughter or a son? // He technically has a son already. Kat wanted a child and she trusted Logan above an anonymous donor, so one stressful jack-off session, a weird experience with a baster and eight months later, Rowan showed up early.  Logan technically has no parental responsibilities or rights, but he’s involved in Rowan’s life nonetheless. And then there’s Bastian, whose own father leaves a Little To Be Desired in the emotional department, let’s say, so ultimately he winds up taking on that role as well.

2. how many children do they want? // One’s enough, ta, and that one doesn’t even live with him. In seriousness, he’s always idly thought about children in his life, but not with any real seriousness – he plays his role with Rowan well and he’s a great uncle to Bastian, but kids wouldn’t suit his and Elrick’s lifestyle.  

3. would they be a good parent? // Yeah, he probably would.

4. what would they name a son? what would they name a daughter? // Demetrius or Victor for a boy, Ophelia for a girl. How else will people know he’s a pretentious bitch?

5. would they adopt? // Nah

O: Optimism 1. are they optimistic or pessimistic? // Total pessimist.

2. are they openly optimistic, throwing it on others? // No and he cannot stand it when other people force optimism into entirely inappropriate situations.

3. are they good at giving advice? // lmao not unless it’s legal advice. Then yes, absolutely. Just don’t cry on his kitchen floor.

4. is there anyone in their life that throws optimism on them? fukkin Katherine. She’s the only one allowed to get away with it.  

5. were they always optimistic/pessimistic? // Yeah, he was a pretty dour, anxious little kid from the start.

P: Personality 1. what is their best personality trait? // From a professional perspective, he’s extremely clear-headed and analytical, and it serves him very well as a criminal prosecution lawyer – there’s not much that slips by him, and he can spot a loophole coming a mile away.

2. what is their worst personality trait? // He’s … difficult to get along with, for a lot of people. Not nasty as such, but he’s sharp-tongued and quite quick to anger in situations outside of his job, particularly when stressed. He also has a tendency to look down on people (particularly people who aren’t considered ‘smart’ by his standards) and let’s be real, he’s pretty classist – it takes him a long time to come to terms with Bastian’s relationship with Fabian. Elrick is more than happy to call him out on this.

3. what of their personality do others love? // Didn’t we already do this?

5. do they hate anything about their personality/about other’s personalities? // god he cannot abide people who aren’t punctual oh GOD he hates people who aren’t punctual

Q: Questions 1. do they ask for help? // Not unless he’s literally dying

2. do they ask questions in class? // to be honest, he generally didn’t need to

3. do they answer questions that make them a little uncomfortable? // Depends on the context, but he generally tries to avoid giving out personal information.

4. do they ask weird questions? // He keeps his weird questions to himself and Googles them later.

5. are they curious? // By nature. It was curiosity that got him into the godawful mess he ended up in re: his source material.

R: Rules 1. do they follow rules? // Generally yeah, aside from the occasionally joint now and then. Although saying that, he does run very much on his own moral code, so I suppose he follows rules as long as he agrees with the sense and logic behind them.

2. would they be a strict or laid-back parent? // It’s odd, his instinct is to be strict but he would also loathe the thought of being anything like his father, so he might swing entirely the other way in an attempt to avoid that. Hard to say. He definitely wouldn’t be like … a fun, playful parent because that’s just not in his nature, but it’s possible he’d relax his own rules significantly. Although he is fairly strict with Rowan, it’s for Rowan’s benefit - he needs rules and boundaries to be comfortable, and Logan’s not a traditional ‘father’ in that case anyway.

3. have they ever been consequenced for breaking a rule? // he was ‘consequenced’ pretty fuckin badly for daring to kiss a boy

4. have they broken any rules they now regret breaking? // oh god probably, he has more regrets than he can count

5. do they find any rules they/others follow absolutely ridiculous? // He’s not got a lot of time nor respect for people who follow rules totally blindly without having some sense of self-critique.

S: Streets 1. are they street-smart? // Depends on the AU, but for the most part he’s too privileged.

2. would they give money to someone on the streets? // no because he’s actually horrible

3. have they ever gotten in a fight on the streets? // No, but he has gotten in a fight in a bar. Kat will not let him forget it.

5. are they cautious when out? // A little paranoid, perhaps, but it doesn’t stop him.

T: Truth 1. are they honest? // define ‘honest’

2. can they tell if someone is lying? // Yes, it’s literally his job.

3. is it obvious when they’re lying? // Nope. He’s a consummate liar.

4. have they lied about anything they regret lying about? // he lied and told Elrick that yes, he’d had sex before their first time, and then regretted it twenty minutes later when they were forced to stop because he almost died. it's fine. they worked it out

5. have they told truths that have been spread against their will? // not really – he plays his cards very close to his chest. Nothing gets out if he doesn’t want it to.

U: Underdog 1. have they been bullied? // Only by his parents.

2. have they bullied anyone? // Not directly to anyone’s face, but he’s definitely made some unpleasant comments.

3. have they been physically attacked by a bully? // If his father counts, yes.

4. have they ever been doubted? // Only from ages 2 to 34.

5. have they surprised people with being good at something? People don’t tend to expect the piano-playing, somehow.

V: Vomit 1. do they vomit often? // what is this question set. Incidentally, yes – he has a problem with running until he’s exhausted and tends to vomit after that.

2. do they get lots of stomach aches? // no?? I guess not???

3. are they good at comforting someone ill? // lol he could be better. His levels of sympathy leave a little to be desired.

4. what do they like as far as comfort goes? // he doesn’t, really. He generally dislikes being fussed over too much and denies he is sick until he’s unable to stand up, at which point he’s forced to accept it whether he likes it or not.

5. do they burp, cough, or hiccup most when nauseous? when vomiting? // what is this question ASKING

W: Water 1. do they drink enough water? // Actually probably yes – it’s one of the few healthy habits he has.

2. have they learned to swim? // yes

3. do they like to swim? // ehhhhh he can take it or leave it

4. can they dive? // he went to an expensive private school of course he can dive

5. can they swim without holding their nose? // yes

X: Xylophone 1. what is their favorite genre of music? // Classic rock – nothing after 1989, thanks.

2. do they have a favorite song? // Hendrix’s Watchtower is up there, as mentioned, along with Don’t Fear the Reaper by Blue Oyster Cult. He has favourite playlists, rather than favourite songs.

3. do they have a favorite band/artist/singer? Blue Oyster Cult in general is a favourite, as is Black Sabbath and Springsteen.

4. can they sing well? He does ok. His voice isn’t fuckin Grammy material or anything, but he can hold a note.

5. can they rap? lmao

Y: You 1. how old were you when you created them? // lol

2. what inspired you to create them? // LOL

3. were they different when they were first created? // oh god yeah. Prototype!Logan was a fucking mess, he’s undergone some serious reworking since the early days.

4. do you enjoy writing them more than other characters? // he’s my comfort-zone, honestly.

5. what’s your favorite thing about them? // his internal monologue of disdain suddenly being interrupted by Oppressively Gay Thoughts

Z: Zebra 1. what’s their favorite animal? // He likes watching birds, but only from a distance.

2. do they like animals? // Nah, he’s really not much of an animal person. Loud and messy, for the most part.

3. cats or dogs? // Cats, if he has to pick.

4. what’s their dream pet? // A taxidermised one.

5. do they have any pets at the moment? // A Birman cat named Saskia. It’s the only animal in the entire world that he loves. He doesn’t like cats – he likes his cat.

[yourkingmob]

Jocko Willink's daily routine of early wakeups, cold showers, etc are effectively the same as other forms of self-harm. I thought it was about him just being a pervert and involving us in a suffering fetish without our consent but now I see what it's really about, and I feel bad for him.

"Extreme Ownership" has it right in the title: you need ownership over things in your own life because you don't feel like you have it!

Many people who self-harm do it because they feel that their lives, their bodies and their even their own suffering is out of their control, so they inflict suffering on themselves to show agency over their lives (and the ability to end it), their own bodies and their own suffering.

I don't know the full motivations, but just from the things Jocko talks about on his appearances, he developed this as a response to his own CPTSD and now inflicts this suffering on himself to deal with it.

This is obviously not healthy. Whether it is cold showers, 8 minute naps, running in the cold of morning... inflicting suffering on yourself in the name of "self-improvement" should always be examined carefully.

Furthering this idea, that "only women self-harm" as detailed in this article, I posit that men self-harm just as much, just in a different manner than women. They disguise this self-harm as self improvement.

It's hard to find a self-help guru in the manosphere who doesn't find a way to put "suffering" and "embrace the suck" as a central mantra in their systems, and Marxist materialists know why these mantras are out there, directed at the working class, but not the billionaire class.

Those who embrace the suck work hard, don't complain and don't ask for better treatment, better pay - even if they are are doing illegally unsafe work or having their wages stolen.

So why would these mantras ever be directed at the billionaire class? They can't stand even the smallest inconvenience, without treating the world around them as a toy or trash. They never need to "suck it up" and are completely incapable of it.

Elon, Jobs, Bezos, etc - all whine constantly, park in disabled parking spots, scream like toddlers at everyone around them and expect everyone to suffer BUT THEM.

(Despite what they say above, it IS A BAD THING TO BE A PSYCHOPATH)

As always, we all need to examine the motivations of why we are doing things, why ideologies are being pushed on us (and not on others) and who benefits from us embracing those ideas.

[trcent]

After the excitement from the first visit and then the backlash from the first feedback, guessing what would happen on their third reunion was a tough thing to do. The girls follow Yumi to same room they had their last meeting in and where Hayoon awaits them. There’s a pile of files equivalent to the number of girls still present on the project, as well as the television on the wall already prepared with the videos they were going to watch.

“Hello, girls.” The woman greets from her chair while each trainee sits on their own. While they’re settling themselves, Yumi walks around handing out the information about their next evaluation. Hayoon’s face is now hard to read and there’s no way to know what to expect. “Well, at least all of you made it this time, right? Yay.” Her final expression doesn’t show as much joy as expected from a word like ‘yay’, and she complements it sarcastically with a few slow claps.

Yumi returns to her place beside her boss once all files are gone from her hands. Afterward, Hayoon opens her own hands and speaks, “Hopefully what I just said didn’t raise your expectations too high. This is, most certainly, not how the final lineup will look like.” Her eyes stare at Sejeong, and then at Somi. “I have already made all the plans for the project, so I, personally, wanted to start getting rid of the weaker links. Unfortunately, others thought we should give some of you another chance. Be thankful for that, and perhaps spare some thoughts for your little guardian angels or else you can bet some of you would be busting your ass at the gym right now instead.”

“Let’s start by watching your group performances together. If you don’t catch your mistakes, don’t worry! I’ll make sure to point them out later on.” The woman wheels her chair to the left and then presses play on the first video. First, it’s the vocals, followed by dance and then it ends with the full cover. Both women stay in silence during the viewing process before Hayoon returns to her original spot.

She twirls her red pen expertly between her fingers. The list of names finds itself in front of her, and there are just as many annotations written on the list as there were last month. “Instead of talking about the sad and drastic ones, let’s bring the mood back up and say who did best this month, no?” Hayoon doesn’t look up but anyone in that room could tell who she was referring to. “Maybe some of you will be surprised. We were.”

“We believe that the one who showed the best case of development was…” Her pen starts at the top of the page and then moves down until she spots the name. “Kim Doyeon. We haven’t spent much time together so we couldn’t know the exact extent of your skills, but we could still tell you not only focused on the parts we asked you to, but also you understood your own limits. We gave you fewer lines for the full cover and that helped you improve on your live singing. Your solo song was also a very good choice; the dance wasn’t too hard so you got to show your singing better. Of course, we don’t expect you to keep at this same level. Continue working on your weak points and raise the level of difficulty. You went from tragic to a good, now it’s time to see some greats.”

Even if her speech carried lighter colors from before, Hayoon’s cold facial expression remains the same. “Someone else who fit well with this description I believe was Sejeong.” Her pen scratches the last name off and moves on to the next one. “Unlike Doyeon, you were to focus on dancing. Actually, I told you to focus on both of those skills now that I think about it. Your chosen song doesn’t have too tough of a choreography but it still takes some level of understanding and you did well at it. As for the vocals, it requires different colors to make it sound at least somewhat close to the original and you also made that work. You’ll get a bit more of a dance focus this week and I hope you won’t let us down. Of course, none of this means you’re confirmed for debut. Don’t get back to slacking.”

“Moving on to… Kim Yubin. Good solo choice, as well. It fit your voice well and your vocals are definitely on an acceptable level for this project. There’s, obviously, more work to do, but it shouldn’t be your focus. We’ve seen development on your dancing abilities, yet, we still think you could be a better dancer than you are right now. Keep working on that. There’s really nothing to comment on regarding your rap except that it came out as expected. You were in the original top two for a reason and you’re most certainly still there.”

“As for Sohee, the one we threw so much onto, well…” Hayoon fixes the position of her elbow on top of the table so it could be more comfortable for her hand to rest on her chin. “Singing-wise you did well. There’s no doubt that you’re talented, yet… your dancing really didn’t meet our standards. We gave you a great portion as a center for the dance evaluation and you do realize that’s not a small thing, right? You can’t just go out there and stand in the middle of the stage. You’d originally earned that part, only to spit on the opportunity. What I say in these evaluations isn’t something for you just to keep in mind. I’m literally the representative of all of your higher-ups and what they think, too. My words should be your mantra. They should be the new Bible. I wasn’t giving you a center part because I wanted to be cool, but because we wanted to check if you were actually good for the spot. You weren’t. It was extremely… subpar. You’ll have a small portion this time so make good use of it or just sit at home next time… Now, Somi.”

Her pen scratches Sohee’s name out of the way as if nothing had happened. “You were more stable this time around but that’s still something that could improve. On the other hand, being stable only to sound average seems like a bit of a waste of time. The fact we actually told you that you could take it easy should have felt like a blessing. Your song choice wasn’t even that hard, but you could have taken something much easier and then gotten a pass from us. If you want to be evaluated based on a harder song then that’s what we’re going to do with you. Your voice really isn’t that great. If you actually want a better vocalist position then let me just tell you right now that it’s not going to happen. If you just wanted to perform that song then at least work towards making it a good performance. This is not a fun project. We aren’t in Disney. This decides your future and this decides if you get to debut as an idol or not. You wanted us to treat you like a big girl, so here it is.”

“Jinsoul. It felt like you performed the same thing as last month, except the song was different. I know maybe that’s, like, your style, but it’s already starting to annoy me. And we’re in the second month of this, do you realize how sad that is? The coaches have logged in a lot of your dedication to singing and I’d honestly like to see you only singing for your next performance. Don’t make it too pop, either. Give us a reason to keep you in this group of which I already said two of our singers did well, and one of our dancers is starting to do well, too. What makes you better than them? Are you?”

“Let’s not delay this anymore and get to Siyeon already. You see… I don’t know if, like, you have selective hearing or something, but I did heavily criticize your dancing last month, right? That wasn’t just in my head? So you tell me what the hell you were thinking by showing us what you did. We gave you a happy, simple song, and you decided to crap on the stick. I couldn’t even care about your singing performance because I was immensely upset about this. Maybe I still am right now. Did you hear me saying a few minutes ago that my words should be your bible? It goes for you, too. I highly recommend you include some sort of dancing in your next solo performance for us to see if this really is a hopeless case or not. If you need some help, ask Sejeong. If she was able to do it then I’m sure you can — or at least I hope you can. We never know with you anymore.”

“Last but not least… again, it’s Sooyoung! You know… I think, in your case, you just listened too much to what I said. This is why I don’t like complimenting people, you know? They just get it all up in their head, thinking they’re the best, and then they can’t differentiate between screaming and hitting proper high notes. Again, there’s no point in being stable if you’re not going to sound good. You could have chosen any song out there and you went with one you honestly couldn’t handle. I still want you to sing but at least pick something that you can actually keep up. If I need to be tough with you for you to understand then that’s what I’m going to do. Hopefully, you’ll take the full cover of this month as a good example and feel more inspired. Don’t let us down, Sooyoung.”

The last name on the list is finally crossed off but Hayoon doesn’t close her file. “As for you all as a group… I was a bit surprised that some of you seemed to be struggling with harmonization. Especially when it came to you, Sooyoung, and our dear Yubin. You’re two of our oldest trainees here so that should have been something learned a long time ago. I know none of you have singing as your main skill, but this is the minimum that I’m asking of you. I’ve also heard there was a bit of conflict between some of you… and I really couldn’t care less. Get your shit together. If you end up in the final group all I need is for you to be good working with each other. Do some trust falls or, I don’t know, have some good adult conversation, as expected of adults to do.”

That’s the end of it, it seems. Hayoon takes a second to breathe and looks around before starting to stand up. “Do a good job this time, you hear me? Yumi will continue to have an eye on you so don’t make her see things that’ll make her upset.” After a few quick nods directed at each girl, Hayoon leaves the room.

OOC: This project evaluation will substitute for the general trainee monthly evaluation so TRC/G won’t take part in that unless otherwise specified. TRC/G are to practice together as a group, as well as show individual growth over time. Not every trainee will make the cut to the final group, so everyone should work hard to show off the best of their skills.

There will be a total of four different performances to be done at the end of the month, by November 30th. Three of those will be group performances, consisting of one vocal performance, one dance performance, and a full cover including both vocals and dance. The fourth performance will be a solo performance that the trainee will get to choose by themselves to showcase any performance skill they’d like. Following Hayoon’s suggestions and requests is not necessary but recommended. For this month’s evaluations, the chosen group songs are as seen below:

Vocals: Heaven by EXO (line distribution)

Dance: Finesse by Bruno Mars (center distribution)

Full: Catch Me If You Can by ChiChi (line distribution)

The eight girls (Kim Yubin, Park Sooyoung, Ahn Sohee, Lee Siyeon, Kim Sejeong, Jeon Somi, Jung Jinsoul and Kim Doyeon) will continue their special training to help them better their skills in order to increase their chances of debut.

Kim Yumi will appear unannounced from time to time to record the girls’ progress and then leave. On November 30th, Yumi will return by herself to record all evaluation performances. These will be taken for her superiors (including Hayoon and Tiger JK) who will then discuss the results in secrecy. Feedback and the new evaluation will be given on the following month.

Confidentiality is of extreme importance and sharing information with any other person IC may result in that girl’s exclusion from the project and/or complete contract termination with TRC. It would also leave her with a bad reputation which could make other companies think twice before signing her.

To earn +2 POINTS TO DISTRIBUTE AS YOU WISH and +2 DEBUT POINTS, write a 250+ words solo or a four post thread with another TRC/G member about practicing for the evaluation. For +3 POINTS TO DISTRIBUTE AS YOU WISH, +1WK RELEVANT ACHIEVEMENT and +2 DEBUT POINTS, write a 350+ words solo about your muse’s solo evaluation performance. Unlike regular trainee evaluations, not writing about the group project will give your muse a bad view IC, so please keep that in mind. Please tag all your posts as #trcg:noveval and them up by midnight EST at the end of November 30th.

TRC/G NOVEMBER EVALUATION (for the December 5th verification form)

[ link to thread or solo about preparations ] +2 ___ POINTS +2 DEBUT POINTS NEW DEBUT POINTS TOTAL:

[ link to solo performance solo ] +3 ___ POINTS +1WK ___ ACHIEVEMENT +2 DEBUT POINTS NEW DEBUT POINTS TOTAL:

[some-dark-side-writing]

How Far Would They Go?

(This is based on a few anons I sent @justwritingscibbles and decided I actually did want to write)

Antisepticeye x reader

Tw: blood, pain

You came home brusied and limping. Had you hurt your leg when you crashed your car into the tree? Or was it just from walking for so long... you couldn't remember. You remembered the fights you and Anti had been having though. And that neither of you felt welcome in your home when the other was there, but you stormed through the door anyway, both of you screaming before you even saw each other as he glitched from the landing to the bottom of the stairs, pinning your arms against the wall in seconds, knife again in his hands. "WHERE THE HELL IS IT?! I WAS SAVING THIS!" You didn't care to know what he was talking about, fury burning your throat wanting you to spit it out "WHY DID YOU CUT THE BRAKES TO MY CAR! YOU HATE ME SO MUCH YOU WANT ME TO DIE?!"  "HATE? Well I'm getting pretty close ri-" Anti's eyes turned back to to their normal colour and his glitching decreased. His eyes swept over your face obviously confused to what you were accusing him of and seemed to realise how close the two of you were spitting hate at each other, noses pressed painfully together at the height of it and he backed off, just enough to take on the image of your entire body; hair sticky, dark and mangled where you were bleeding, your ankle resting in a not right position, the twigs and mud on your clothes from, had you walked from the woods a mile off? "I had to crash into a tree just so I wouldn't break my neck. Anti are you listening?" His eyes had trailed off to the side as if deep in thought as you could tell he was looking at the probably horrific state you were now in. "I had to crash my car just so I didn't die..." Anti couldn't believe what he was hearing, this couldn't have happened to you, after weeks of fighting your lives couldn't go more downhill, surely that wasn't fair? But fair wasn't something attuned with Anti's life as he stormed outside, to what you thought was running away to blow off steam, to see that your car was indeed nowhere in sight. His lips curled upwards in a snarl that still to today scared you, his eyes darkening and hand holding mr pointy vibrating violently, glitching in and out of reality. You stood your ground stubbornly as he marched back up to you, backing into the wall as he slowly got closer, not having spoken since you asked him the question. Until his hand, his free hand, glitching itself raised towards you and unusually reached to cup your cheek. "Are you alright?"

Just with that simple question, the soft buzz as he asked it, but the anger that you knew now wasn't aimed at you was enough for all the pressure building in your chest to be released as you sighed massively and exhausted let yourself slide to the floor, arms coming to cover your head as you rested it on your knees and you began to sob uncontrollably.

Anti crouched down to place his hand on your hair, being what he only was in extreme measures gentle as he stroked your head, his arms and words soft but his demeanour venomous. "It wasn't me" he told you, almost whispered as he lifted you to your feet. "It wasn't me. It wasn't me." You threw your arms around his neck happy you were finally uncaring about being stubborn, impervious about winning whatever you were fighting about, happy you could just touch him and neither of you would be repulsed by it. "Anti..." you cried, moving to breathe into his shirt that smelled a little like sweat but you didn't mind at all, the smell comforting after so long without his touch, gripping tight onto the material on his chest as he lifted your feet up effortlessly "Someone tried to..." "Ssh dove don't think about that now" "Someone tried to kill me." It wasn't a question, but you looked up to Anti as he walked with you, his snarl giving you a sense of courage now, knowing whoever did this would likely be back for you but would now definitely never get to you. He didn't respond either, since he couldn't. Someone had tried to hurt you, and he was going to kill them. 

You sniffed as he set you down on the bed he'd insisted on having green covers for even though you told him it made it look like a swamp and, stuffing mr. Pointy in his back pocket, coerced your balled up hands off him for the moments time. "One moment doll. 'm not going anywhere" he mumbled, lips against your head as he loosened your grip. Once he had you sat down he moved to the ensuite, keeping the door open so you could see each other and texted Schneeple to "Come over the fuck now, I have the medical stuff with me" as he gathered your first aid box and headed back over to you. He was antsy to leave right the fuck now but needed information and would help you as he got it.

He carefully lifted your clump of bloodstained fringe, still as you winced when it stuck and he had to use his knife to lift it and see how bad the damage was. He brought a cleaning agent out and used to cotton pads to dab the wound carefully, happy it was small but no person on earth would distinguish he was happy that moment. "What the fuck happened?" he hissed, careful to make sure you knew his spite wasn't directed at you. "My brakes were cut, I noticed at a red light just before I hit the motorway, lucky the roads are quiet this time of night or I could have killed someone" "You could have been killed. That was their intention." Anti interrupted, moving to go outside since you needed stitches ok your forehead and he couldn't help you anymore, at least not in that department. "How do you know they were cut?" He asked pacing around the room playing with his knife. 

"I checked"

"And why didn't you call the police?"

"Because I thought it was you" you answered, holding your head as it started to pound again "I couldn't call the cops on you, they would have been fried a mile away." You screwed your eyes closed and whimpered which you weren't expecting to happen. The pain was burning, like your mind was being suffocated, especially near where it was bleeding, your ankle not feeling much better, the rest of the scrapes and soaking wet socks barely noticeable now. 

You opened your eyes again as you felt a shadow looming over you, a presence blocking the draft from reaching your knees and stomach, you looked down to see Anti, lips curled down. "You thought it was me?" He heard you the first time you said it but couldn't believe. "You thought I did this?" Your heart crumpled like a piece of paper, Anti never pouted, never paused or spoke slowly. "You thought I... could hurt you? Think I would want you, dead?"

Anti felt like he was going to throw up.

"No... Anti I" thinking back on it you didn't really think so. But after the initial shock he was your only suspect, the only person close enough to you to want to do this, you'd been fighting so much and god knows he was a violent person, never to you but, maybe the whole 'if I can't have you nobody can' mantra got to him. You knew now, looking at the man you loved who seemed like a heartbroken schoolboy compared to the demon you walked home to, he hadn't done anything to hurt you, and it didn't look like he physically could. "I'm sorry" you felt horrible, maybe because you were beaten to hell but you weren't sure if that lurching feeling in your stomach was to do with the fact you rolled your newish car (that had a rear-view mirror trinket of a tiny model knife that gave you a static shock whenever you touched it) into a tree just recently, or that you had thought the man you loved and who clearly felt something the same would be the one behind your attempted murder, a fact you also couldn't get your head around.

He shook his head, grabbing your hands and placing them into his, looking deeply into your eyes, not exactly pleading but the most serious he had been compared to his jittery nature.

"I would I never. Never." 

That was enough for you, you knew it was hard for him, especially when he was angry it was harder to admit his feelings. And angry he was. As soon as you wrapped your arms around him, wanting those problems in your relationship to wait for tomorrow he quickly embraced you, flinching at the contact since something other than reconciliation was boiling in his heart or whatever he had that was pounding so much it was outdoing his glitching, he quickly let go, smiling inwardly at the fact you rolled to sleep on the same side of the bed you loved, and stormed down to find your car. Not that he didn't believe you but he had to check for himself if what you said was true. He couldn't see why anyone would do this, and not even from a bias standpoint, you had never hurt a soul in your life, in fact stopped many from being hurt in his own life, including him to your disadvantage, you still had a burn mark from his last self centred freak out which was now replaced by a brand new scar from tonight. 

As he locked the door so no one could get to you Dr. Schneeplestein was speedwalking up the driveway.

"Vhat happ-"

"Just get inside!" His voice heightened in pitch as his face glitched to the side and back "And if you let anything hurt them I'll murder you and all your assistants!" The good doctor knew well enough to leave it at that and hurried into the house, taking the keys Anti dropped as he stole Schneep's car and drove to the edge of the woods.

He found your car just over a mile away and quickly bent underneath it and found... your brakes manually cut. Someone had brought equipment. They had planned... for you -you- to die!

Anti kicked the car with all his might. Over and over and over. Glitching inside it almost making it combust until he was forced out by his own rage. Shaking and glitching in physical form. No matter how bad you fought he could never not love you, he didn't tell you that as much as he supposed he should, but he would never kill you for fear of you leaving, for any reason! But someone had tried. With no motive like love, or hate. Was it some estranged psycho? He didn't know, or give a shit about knowing. But he knew one thing... He would slaughter the fucker that did this to you.