#<- its lowkey both november is very much a Both month to me

[noodles-07]

on november and the dark times

anne sexton / u/artsykate on reddit / noah kahan, stick season / x / unknown / bertolt brecht / noah kahan, northern attitude / siniša višković / unknown stock image / margaret atwood / dean gloia, return ii / john atkinson grimshaw, november moonlight / doctor who, spyfall ii / my photo / @/smalltownghosts on tumblr / anna akhmatova / unknown / laini taylor

[sofs16]

our leclerc win

continuation to a paddock day — next

yn

liked by charles_leclerc and 30 others

yn it’s charles day! i know im usually very unserious and goofy at times but lets be fr, charles is my other half. actually, he allows me to be me so basically he’s my whole being. ill say what everyone is thinking, i know people are like omg f1 driver! omg! BUT HE IS MUCH MORE THAN THAT! he burns pasta for a living (he’s learning atm), plays me beautiful songs on the piano im always blessed to hear, reassures me when things dont feel right, and everything in between that. i will always be behind you, charles leclerc. even if i have to find a job soon, i will be supporting you through a screen. i love you and it’s kind of stupid but i think youre the one for me. thanks for choosing me

view all 50 comments

landonorris Your love is disgustingly sweet but happy birthday mate🎉

charles_leclerc I love you so much. charles_leclerc 😘😘😘

charles_leclerc You are the one for me as wel, cherie❤️ [liked by yn] pierregasly Charles is crying on my shoulder

⤷ yn good

⤷ charles_leclerc 😂

october 16, 2023

yn

liked by charles_leclerc, and 35 others yn hot a$$ 💋

view all 37 comments

landonorris why not just say ass

⤷ yn because im manifesting money, dumbass

⤷ charles_leclerc Woah.

⤷yn dw baby, waldo lets me call him dumbass because he thought i was one of the development drivers and then got embarrassed and walked into a door

⤷ landonorris I THOGUHT WE WERENT TELLING ANYONE ABT THAT

⤷ yn 🤷🏻‍♀️ loyal gf 1st, human 2nd, lando friend 3rd.

⤷ carlossainz55 what about me, yn

⤷ yn ooooo . loyal gf 1st, human 2nd, carlos fan 3rd, lando friend 4th

⤷ landonorris EZCHSE ME

⤷ fernandoalo_oficial Hello Yn👋

⤷ yn NEVERMIND loyal gf 1st, fernando fan 2nd, human 3rd, carlos fan 4th, lando friend 5th

⤷ landonorris Wow.

⤷ yn but being human is loving lando norris so 🤷🏻‍♀️

⤷ landonorris My fav wag (unless i get a gf) 🧡

[liked by charles_leclerc, carlossainz55, fernandoalo_oficial, yourbsf, and pierregasly]

november 16, 2023

yn

liked by charles_leclerc, and 18 others

yn WAHTTTT!!! first (and last of the season) day back at the paddock as A WAG. A WAG. ME?

view all 7 comments

charles_leclerc We’ve been dating 5 months, mon ange…

⤷ yn AND ILL NEVER GET OVER IT

landonorris Pretty!

⤷ charles_leclerc Norris. ⤷ landonorris AS A FRIEND MATE

⤷ yn YOURE SO CUTIE LANDO THANKS!!! yourbsf PROUD MOM ERA [ liked by yn ]

november 24, 2023

| kellypiquet has requested to follow you! 10m

| maxverstappen1 has requested to follow you! 2m

2 requests accepted!

yn.updates

liked by ynlover16, and 1,181 others

yn.updates After 5 months, Yn has gone public on Instagram and is now verified! view all 47 comments

ynlocer16 3RD RECENT LORD HAVE MERCY

⤷ charles.yn AHAHA CHARLES FIGHTING THE DRIVERS IN THE COMMENTS

charlferrari ALL THE CHARLES CONTENT ���� OUR QUEEN!!! lwymmdts THE BIRTHDAY POST LAST MONTH. november 24, 2023

yn

abu dhabi

liked by charles_leclerc, and 381,272 others

yn p1 in abu dhabi and in my heart @charles_leclerc ❤️ no longer lowkey wag 😞😞😞😞 plsxdont hate me i have humor

view all 161,181 comments

ynprix SHE SILLYYYYY LOVEU THANKS FOR GOING PUBLIC QUEEN

⤷ yn @landonorris SEE i AM silly! ⤷ landnorris SOMETIMES

charles_leclerc I love you 😘

chayn im crying i just scrolled thru all her posts and saw some charles’ comments 🥹

⤷ yn.fan unfortunately she archived a lot of them:( ⤷yn_edits @yn PUT EM UPPPP

⤷ yn sorry yall thats private 😞 maybe when both of us pass away together

chachaferrari STOP DOES THIS MEAN CHARLES LEARNED HOW TO MAKE PASTA

⤷ yn ;)

ynsart i love how active she is! she’s replying (or liking comments) to everyone, its so wholesome

[liked by yn]

yourbsf ALWAYS LOWKEY

⤷ yn preach sister

november 26, 2023

charles_leclerc

liked by yn, and 4,272,585 others

charles_leclerc i see you, amour @yn 🌦️

view all 1,172,588 comments

yn dang, i’ll be sneakier next time! [liked by charles_leclerc]

ynferrari She takes photos?!?

⤷ charles_leclerc She double majored and did photography 💞

⤷ yn_lovvv HE SOUNDS LIKE A PROUD BFFF

december 2, 2023

charles_leclerc

liked by 3,181,493 others

charles_leclerc i love them 🤍

view all 248,595 comments

ynstyle YN MET THE FAMILY?

⤷ yn shit my pants the whole flight but i love them

⤷ arthur_leclerc Yup, after you introduced yourself with a different name👍🏻

⤷ yn ARTHUR WE DONT TALK ABOUT IT LLEASE I SEESR TO GOD

⤷ charles_leclerc I quite liked the name changed

ynred i feel like she said yn leclerc. [liked by yn]

december 24, 2023

yn

liked by 172,484 others

yn BEFORE ANY OF YALL SCOLD ME. yes, i brought the pizza. but did i think he’d ask for it mid (climbing/hiking? i dont even know babes) NO!

view all 35,283 comments

leclerc_pascale oh mon dieu

⤷ yn JE SUIS DÉSOLÉ MAMAN, C’EST TOUT CHARLES! i’m sorry maman, it’s all charles!

⤷charles_leclerc j’ai un rêve. respect that, amour 😓 i have a dream. respect that, love

⤷ yn i respect that dream of eating in CERTAIN places but okay😘

yn1989 jesus how many languages does she speak

⤷ yn 7🤍

⤷yn1989 WHAT. WHICH ONES

⤷ yn german, italian, french, japanese, spanish, english, and icelandic! ⤷ yn1989 charles’ favorite number is 7 😭 you both are so cool

⤷yn IVE BEEN SAYING THIS AND HE ASKED ME OUT ON JUNE 3, 2023. 6(june)+3+2+2+3= 16. LIKE ARE U JOKING

⤷ landonorris @ charles_leclerc your girlfriend is actually crazy. She’s a crazy fan

⤷ charles_leclerc I love that about her though. All of her 💞

⤷ yn 🥲🙂 shaking. kicking my feet. biting my nails. screaming. ripping my hair out

january 14, 2024

chayn.updates

liked by yn, and 5,695 others

chayn.updates yn wearing one of charles’ polos in her recent post ;)

view all 492 comments

charleswife midddd. could literally be any polo..

⤷ charloss why are you actin like u have a chance bbg 😭 and ferrari and charles’ initials in on the bottom collar

january 18, 2024

charles_leclerc

liked by 8,707,606 others

charles_leclerc I usually do not post for birthday’s but the world needs to see my AMAZING photos of you (@ yourbsf)😘 Yn, meeting you has changed my life like no other. to the chef in our house, the singer, the one translating a lot of things for me, dressing me up, and “everything in between”, happiest birthday amour ❤️ I got my Leclerc win when I met you

view all 4,484,585 comments

yourbsf yn will lose her shitballs over this and IM THE BETTER PHOTOGRAPHER

lewishamilton Happiest birthday to the life of the grid! landonorris happy birthday smartass 🧡

⤷ yn thanks dumbass 😘

yn IM GOIN CRAYB

yn I DONT DESERVE YOU IM SHITTING MY PANTS WHSTVTHEFUCK

pierregasly Yn is born on the 16th too?!?

⤷ yn hehehehehe

daniel3.jpg I took that first photo👍🏻

leclerc_pascale ♥️je t’aime. joyeux anniversaire xx

⤷ yn merci maman! à bientôt 🥹🤍🤍🤍

[liked by leclerc_pascale, and charles_leclerc]

may 16, 2024

yn

liked by 1,282,182 others

yn life’s hectic as usual

view all 329,585 comments

landonorris what do you even do. im still so confsued

⤷ yn im a fulltime gf who sometimes goes to her job and takes pics and makes clothes 🤷🏻‍♀️

charles_leclerc yeux d’ ange

⤷yn 💌

charlie166 charles sent those flowers. bet all my money.

⤷yn mans be winning in imola and sending me flowers and sending me virtual kisses 💋

view all 117,383 comments

may 27, 2023

charles_leclerc and yn’s stories

replies:

pierregasly replied to yn’s story: Get a room

charles_leclerc replied to yn’s story: lovely photo of me baby🫤 thank you

yn replied to charles_leclerc’s story: damnnnn nice photo tnx babe. i look like a housewife

landonorris replied to yn’s story: EWWWWWW

carlossainz55 replied to yn’s story: Chill, yn. Breathe.

[not-goldy]

the thing is I'm sure jimin was suffering too during the months jungkook was working nonstop like july,september,october,november

I'm sure he missed jungkook just as much he's just way more lowkey about it and would never showcase it online

just different types of people

I don't disagree

He's either better at pretending things don't bother him when they do or better at processing negative feelings as and when they arise because if it were me, FAM🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

The whole world is about to know.

The in laws will know

The siblings will know

The ancestors will know

The pastor will know

Even your therapist will hear about it.

I'll call into radio shows and air our business cos you are not about to make me the broken hearted girl😌

And missing someone who isn't reaching out to you is a whole other level of pain Jesus 😕 💔

Forget the ego

It's your self respect vs your emotional needs and feeding one destroys the other. You don't know pain till you've been put in that tormenting situation.

And it makes a lot of sense why dude keeps complaining about chronic loneliness dude been repressing so much it's alienating😭😭😭😭😭

I want to go to therapy with Jimin😭😭😭😭😭��

There's a lot we both need to work through

And I feel he's wrapped himself in so much principles it's barring him from expressing certain things certain very human things that's now working against him.

He set himself up and now he gotta hide certain things and certain feelings

Imagine telling Jungkook he's childish for throwing tantrums when he misses you- now you gotta be the better person and live as an example when you in the same situation otherwise you no better🥴

Imagine constantly setting yourself up like that. Imagine feeling you have to be the better and bigger person in every situation because you feel your whole life is an example to others.

He has that first born curse and 1st born syndrome. He expects too much of himself and he's allowed those around him from the BTS group to his fans to have the same high expectations of him.

I'm not mad at that except it can be draining and exhausting and a lonely experience cos not too many can relate.

And people wonder why his solos are the way they are constantly making up ridiculous unsustainable unattainable standards for both him and others to follow, constantly putting him on a pedestal and acting shook if he goes off even a little bit.

Meanwhile he's only human and humans aren't perfectly flawed. ITS OKAY TO HAVE FLAWS you know??

I'm glad Jk spoke about Namjoon admitting he didn't know what to do with Jk. When it was happening and I spoke about it people came for me. I recall people making such a big fuss about me saying Namjoon gives of elitist energy (much like PJMs) and was constantly having at it with Jungkook because he wouldn't fall in line while Jimin would.

I said this before, Jimin made his leadership so easy for him because people like that do not stirr shit up. They are predictable easy to manage and easy to deal with.

And I recall saying they were constantly looking up to Jimin to set the pace and keep Jungkook in check and how that was a lot for a teen- because Jimin was a teen too.

That expectation of perfectionism is crazy. I'm not a fan of anyone who expects that of Jimin- particularly his solo stans. Namjoon can get away with it, he's tall.

Dude didn't want to be bothered he just wanted an easy tenure of office and Jungkook was anything but. It's why he will always write him letters and always invest energy into repairing their dynamic and why he would always feel he owes Jungkook an apology.

And Suga is right in telling him never mind. Embrace your self the whole of yourself it's okay to make mistakes it's okay to be flawed

You don't gotta live life in a constant teacher mood where you feel every aspect of you is a curated lesson for others.

And I'm glad he explored this theme in his 1st album but please Jimin, let's go to therapy 😩

We have so much to work on baby

Or who knows, may be he's just super human and I'm wrong🥴

[37q]

so, funny story. idk if anyone else remembers my series of work related breakdowns b4 i quit in november, but some of it was due to my looming sense that career progression in that setting was neither possible nor desirable for me -- although the desirability realization came afterwards, so it was mostly just shame and no self respect. lotta misogyny, lotta dehumanizing business dynamics, whole lotta self destruction cuz self inflicted suffering feels more containable or controllable than the rocks and hard places of fucking corporate growth

it was a real struggle, like am i capable of improving my life with the work ethic, personality, sense of responsibility, initiative, efficiency, and expertise that i consider core to my occupational self? am i too unwell to do anything but stay where i am, if not get worse? what parts of me are destructive to capital growth but constructive to life, and what parts of me are destructive to both? dont i like that part of me...? :(

anyways whats funny is that my general occupational style works wonders at my current job! tiny tiny business my man runs it out of his house n he lowkey resents the mainstream world for shunning his meager progressivism so he like GETS it. no risk of labor suits means relaxed work conditions, my ability to convince anyone of anything doesnt work with HR departments but like, just 3 ppl tryin to make a mission work lends itself to forgiveness when everyone shows theyre all-in, but good-will and personal investment dont mean shit for VP's scanning their marketing trackers.

long story short i feel very valued and i have a lot of fun :) april is a slow month for us so im not working much but its literally chill and my efforts to seek out greater responsibility and investment and their complementary compensation are being rewarded three-fold ^_^

[koranojd]

After Egypt I decided to fly down to Botswana with my wings. It is almost a straight south trip to this new country and so it was a pretty plain trip. Botswana is right above South Africa, and right between Namibia and Zimbabwe. Botswana also has their own currency, like almost every country in Africa. It is called Pula, and one US dollar is equivalent to 13.78 Pula. In Botswana they all speak a mixture language of both English and Tswana, and it is called Setswana. Which is good for many different reasons, but especially for tourists because it makes it easier to communicate with the natives. 

When I got here in Botswana, I decided to go to the Okavango Delta. This place is actually one of the wonderful UNESCO sights! It is known as the primary tourist attraction with amazing views of the country and wildlife. Since I was there in April, the only timely thing I was able to witness was bird watching, which only takes place from November until April. The delta is known for its flooding in the summer which causes the river to expand and nourish the dry soil during those torturous dry months. Luckily I was not there during the dry months because I really cannot stand being too hot. Like being cold is so much better than being hot, cause when you’re cold you can always snuggle up with a blanket but when you’re hot you just have to sit there dying. 

In the area, they actually have different lodges to stay at. So I picked “Wilderness Vumbura Plains”, and it was really nice there. There are only 14 different lodges to stay at and so I got very lucky being one of those. The layout was very open and barely had any big walls keeping my kitchen from the living room, which I really enjoyed because I personally much rather prefer open concepts than small and compact ones. It also lowkey didn’t have a price on it so I just left them 4000 Pula dollars, which is equivalent to around 289 in US dollars. So… if that wasn’t enough then they will just have to find me somewhere in Oceana cause that’s where I am going next!!

[beca-mitchell]

religion's in your lips (even if it's a false god) (1/1)

Summary: Beca still wants Chloe in whatever way she can get her, even at her own detriment. Rated M/E for sex.

This is for @asimplefavors in thanks for her donation and participation in @ppfandomdrive. This is part of the now i see daylight au.

Word count: 4,944

Read below or on AO3.

* * * * *

Age: 19 Location: New York City, NY Month: December

* * * * *

 Not that Beca’s counting, but this is the fourth month since her break-up with Chloe and the first time since meeting Chloe at five years old that she’s been uncertain about going into the new year without her best friend by her side.

It’s weird. It’s uncertain.

But most of all, it feels like she’s never really going to get over that break-up—her first break-up ever—anytime soon.

It stings, months later, even though Beca knows that Chloe had her reasons for wanting to go their separate ways; even though Beca knows now that she and Chloe hadn’t been working for a while; even though there had been problems on both ends.

It isn’t worth analyzing, not now to Beca at least. The short story is simple enough, rife with enough heartache: it had been too much too fast and they hadn’t been ready to handle it enough.

Still, years of friendship with Chloe has made Beca somewhat of an optimist (a bad one regardless), so she kind of keeps hoping for some kind of refrain to their story, not a coda. The distance between them now feels oppressive—jarring in ways that Beca could have never imagined—even if Beca knows with every fiber of her being that Chloe is closer to her than ever before (physically at least) since they’re both likely in the same city.

Chloe had adapted easily to her transfer to Columbia from Barden, as Beca had expected. They had barely exchanged texts, just simple greetings and congratulatory messages from time to time—as often as they could within the span of the four months they had officially been broken up. Within that time, however, Beca felt more and more desperate to stay connected to Chloe despite everything. It had taken Beca everything to not mention offhandedly that she knew Chloe had started lowkey seeing somebody (or at least sleeping with somebody—though Beca isn’t sure which is the more comforting thought) around the end of October or early November.

...not that Beca had been keeping track.

Or, rather, more accurately put, she doesn’t want to keep track. It just seems like she’s not very good at getting her way when it comes to Chloe Beale.

  * * * * *

 It wasn’t like Beca necessarily had other plans for the New Year. A lackluster collection of messages sit on her phone from her father, her mother, and even her step-siblings, but none of them really invigorated her into wanting to spend time with any of them (and if she’s being painfully honest with herself, she’s almost certain that they’re not wholly interested in spending that much time with her either). Even her increasingly growing circle of friends in Los Angeles didn’t really feel like the right group of people to spend the new year with.

But, even with that on Beca’s mind, all of this had been Theo’s idea. Beca had begrudgingly agreed because she had kind of grown tired of being cooped up in Los Angeles where she would have been happy to spend some quality time in the studio. With the success of her EP and her first full-length album being well on its way, Theo had thought it a good idea to make their rounds to “friends and family” of the Republic Records roster.

It was surreal to say the least, brushing shoulders with people that Beca had once admired from the confines of her bedroom all the way back in Massachusetts, simply hoping that she would have her shot. From her bedroom to the record store where she had spent most days flipping through old albums, daydreaming about music and Chloe and simply wishing for time to fly by so she could finally get her life started.

What she would do to go back to that quiet store, to feel Chloe’s arms draped over her shoulders and her playful giggle in her ear in her attempts to distract Beca from work she had no intention of doing anyway.

Now, at a private party hosted by FLETCHER, Beca has to shake herself more than once simply to get out of the headspace she had been in, good thoughts and bad thoughts alike.

This is, after all, her once in a lifetime opportunity.

  * * * * *

 Scratch that. All of that.

She’s staring right at Chloe Beale at a rented-out abandoned warehouse-apartment. Beca would recognize Chloe anywhere. She can’t quite believe her eyes.

Once in a lifetime opportunities indeed.

  * * * * *

 Chloe looks good.

That’s the first thing Beca notices and she kind of hates herself for it, but it can’t be helped. Her hair is longer, maybe a little curlier, and it falls in loose, beautiful waves over her shoulders. Beca tries to assess whether Chloe looks the same otherwise, but she can’t really tell, not with the dim lighting around them. Beca quickly shakes her head at her companion as she rises from her seat in the corner and darts up to quickly greet Chloe before Chloe has a chance to slip away.

With her heart in her throat, the pressure definitely encroaching on her ability to speak, she steps beside Chloe. She tracks her eyes up the side of Chloe’s face for a moment while Chloe has yet to notice her as Beca moves to lean against the same wall Chloe is leaning again.

It takes a moment but Chloe visibly does a double-take when she twists slightly to observe her new wall partner. Beca’s neck heats and she is thankful immediately for the low light.

“Beca?” Chloe exclaims. “Beca! I—holy crap—” Beca dares to make eye contact, feeling her lips twitch into what feels like a smile even though her heart and brain war against each other to process the emotions swirling in her stomach.

Beca opens her mouth to say something—anything, really, at this point—but words fail her momentarily. She swallows, angling her body towards Chloe as well because to do so feels natural, like they gravitate towards each other on instinct. Something beyond either of their control.

“Come with me?” Beca asks. It is then that it really sinks in for her that she is finally standing in front of Chloe who looks equally surprised to see her. Beca really shouldn’t have been surprised at all, not initially at least, because Chloe always had a way of finding her way into the right crowds, but even more than that, she always had a special knack for finding her way into Beca’s life.

“Okay,” Chloe says. At least, Beca thinks she responds. She wants nothing more than to reach back to grab Chloe’s hand or at least look over her shoulder to see if Chloe is following, but she fears that to look back would mean sending Chloe away again.

When Beca finally dares to look back, she is relieved to see that Chloe followed—that perhaps Chloe would always follow Beca in the same way Beca would for her.

“Hi,” Chloe says, when silence passes between them once more in their more secluded corner; their little corner away from prying eyes and keen ears. “You—” she cuts herself off when she notices Beca is in the middle of speaking as well, gesturing at Beca politely.

“Uh, hi,” Beca greets a bit lamely, for some reason now terrified that Chloe has given her the floor to speak. “You’re...here,” she says stiltedly. “In New York. I mean. Because you go to school here now. But you’re here at this…” She looks around before shrugging a shoulder. “It’s good to see you.”

Chloe smiles, tucking her hair behind her ears in a gesture that seems rather shy to Beca, but endearing nonetheless. “New Year’s treat to myself,” she says in explanation.

“Ah.” Beca tries not to, she really does, but her eyes track down Chloe’s body immediately, taking in Chloe’s outfit. Simple black jeans and a tank top should have no business looking that good on anybody, but Beca feels her mouth go dry at every last forbidden memory that assaults her system. Briefly, she finds herself jealous, like she ought to scan the dwindling crowd and see whether Chloe came with any friends.

Or any one friend in particular.

She drags her eyes back to Chloe quickly, wrestling with her emotions so she can school her expression appropriately. “Did you come alone?” Beca asks, attempting to inject the right amount of curiosity-sans-jealousy into her tone. Nonchalant. She can do that.

Chloe blushes again and something akin to guilt rises up on her cheeks. It’s a bit of a stretch as Chloe takes her time to respond before finally settling on “Did you? Come alone, I mean.” Her gaze dips past Beca’s shoulder to where Beca had been sitting in her corner, half-heartedly paying attention to the conversation she had been engaging in with her plus-one.

A gaze that meant that perhaps Chloe had been more observant than Beca previously assumed. The thought sends heat through Beca’s body, settling somewhere in her chest and manifesting in a blush across her cheeks.

Chloe is here now. And Chloe is evading her question with a question of her own, which makes all kinds of turmoil swirl through Beca’s stomach.

��I didn’t,” Beca manages to mumble, feeling the oddest sensation of guilt as well. She hadn’t been saving herself for Chloe or anything, which is what she tells herself as she tries to talk herself down. It’s harder to remind herself that Chloe hadn’t necessarily saved herself for her either. “Just...mostly a label thing. I’m here for, um, work.”

It’s all really just too fucking fresh and too fucking devastating, knowing that ‘work’ had been what drove them apart in the first place because they had both naively thought that things wouldn’t have to change between them—that high school would follow them both with ease and transition without any real effort.

Chloe’s tongue comes out to swipe at her lower lip. “I didn’t...either. Not really. But they’re…” Chloe casts a glance over her shoulder. She looks back at Beca, bashful. “It seemed like a good way to kick off the new year, you know?”

“How’s school?” Beca asks. “I know you were…” she swallows thinking of how absent she had been when Chloe had been working on her transfer application. “You were really excited.” It comes out softer than intended and Beca feels the sudden urge to reach out to hold Chloe’s hand.

Chloe smiles at her words. “I love it,” she replies, sounding as passionate as Beca remembers her.

I love you, Beca thinks. "That's good to hear," she says aloud.

  * * * * *

 The end up talking for at least an hour. Socially, it’s probably not either of their best attempts at working the room, but they both appear to revel in the ease with which they are able to sink back into their usual conversational habits.

But, more poignantly, their usual chemistry. It ebbs and flows in waves around them, like a heady song reminiscent of all the memories that Beca had attempted (with no real effort in all honesty) to suppress.

Beca is so painfully reminded of how long it’s been since she last had sex (with Chloe).

“Do you have plans after this?” Beca asks during a lull in their conversation. She warms at the way Chloe’s eyes flash towards her.

“No,” Chloe admits. “But my friends were thinking of dipping anyway.”

“Oh,” Beca mumbles. “Okay.” She tries not to fixate on the fact that Chloe doesn’t seem to plan on leaving with them. Her eyes track across Chloe’s shoulders and collarbone again.

Beca’s obvious ogling doesn’t go unnoticed. Chloe doesn’t look upset by the attention. Instead, she looks pleased.

Maybe too pleased.

It makes Beca want to kiss the smirk right off her lips.

She struggles to think of something to say—anything but the thoughts racing through her mind. She blames the adrenaline from the high of the live performance and the reception to her music. She blames the energy of the crowd around them. She blames Chloe’s proximity to her. She blames the fact that she can see the light sheen of sweat on Chloe’s bared skin.

But Chloe’s smug expression fades eventually and she shrugs. “Do you want to...talk more?” Chloe asks sincerely. “Or are you busy?”

Beca glances around, taking stock of the people in closest proximity to them. She casts a glance around, keeping an eye out for a handler or her manager, but upon seeing that the coast is fairly clear, she nods and grabs Chloe’s wrist. “Come with me. We can go someplace quieter.”

  * * * * *

 It feels like a new verse—or maybe an entirely new song. Not quite deja vu, but Beca isn’t sure what she would prefer.

  * * * * *

 The ride back to Beca’s hotel is the quite possibly the tensest car ride Beca has ever been on. She glances at Chloe non-stop, trying to remember the last time they sat side by side in a car. It had been when Chloe had picked her up at the airport that...that last time.

Beca clenches her hands in her lap.

The hurt still flares up from time to time, but over the past few weeks, it had lessened to nothing but a dull throbbing ache. Nothing to write home about. Nothing to fret over. She had simply been too busy with working on her EP, releasing her single, and then doing promotional work to even think about Chloe for more than a few minutes a day. It was only within those few minutes that she found herself lost in the sad memory of her ex-girlfriend.

But now—now, Chloe is next to her and they finally have a chance to talk. Beca wrings her hands nervously as they round the last street corner before her hotel.

Talking is fine. Beca can talk. Chloe was—is—her best friend. She has nothing to be afraid of. She knows this.

“This is me,” Beca announces unnecessarily as the driver pulls to a stop. “A hotel.”

Chloe giggles at Beca’s unnecessary but familiar awkwardness. “I figured.”

Beca’s throat goes dry. “Well, I mean. Just in case...you didn’t know.” She feels nervous, like she’s about to enter her first day of high school again.

Chloe’s gaze locks onto hers and Beca forgets whatever inane thing she was about to say.

So, talking is a little hard now.

Sue her.

Sue them both.

  * * * * *

 But some things are easy enough to fall back into. Too easy.

Like the way Chloe’s hand reaches for hers in the elevator. How gently and intimately their fingers tangle together.

Like the way Beca’s entire body heats up when she sees exactly how Chloe is looking at her.

Like the way Beca knew exactly what she wanted to happen when she suggested they go someplace quieter to talk.

  * * * * *

 “Nice room,” Chloe comments, trailing a finger along the edge of an ornate dresser by the bed. “They didn’t have any suites available?”

The teasing lilt to Chloe’s voice seems amplified—something dark and hungry in Chloe’s tone—but Beca only notices because every last sensory nerve is alert; every sound reverberates through her with the force of a thousand speakers.

She swallows, taking a step towards Chloe before hesitating when Chloe’s eyes cut up to her own.

The thing that comforts Beca most is the stark vulnerability she sees in Chloe’s eyes—the same that she’s sure must be reflected in her own eyes. She wants to say a million things—wants to ask a hundred jealous questions and more. Between leaving high school and now, a mere year and a bit, she feels like they have aged an entire lifetime. The chasm between them is so palpable, rife with tension and hurt mixed in confusingly with the same chemistry they always enjoyed.

“I don’t need a suite,” Beca finally responds. Though her words are bland, she can’t help the way her voice rasps out due to the tightness in her throat and in her chest. Not for this, she wants to say. I need you.

“Guess not,” Chloe murmurs before she closes the distance between them, pulling Beca in for a searing kiss. It is not quite the kiss that Beca envisioned they’d share upon meeting up again, but she curls her fingers tightly into the front of Chloe’s shirt and holds on tight, unwilling to let go, even for what she’s sure is just a night of nothing but uninhibited passion.

  * * * * *

 “Fuck, Beca,” Chloe moans, tangling her fingers in Beca’s hair to the point of pain. “Right there, yeah, fuck, right there—”

Beca continues to eagerly lick and suck at Chloe’s wet folds, wanting nothing more to bring Chloe to the brink again and again until neither of them can move anymore. She grips Chloe’s thighs, forcing her legs apart further, and continues, uncaring as Chloe’s moans and cries only increase in volume. She doesn’t care if she gets a noise complaint. She’d go as far as to say that a noise complaint is the goal at the moment. She wants to get as many noise complaints as she can. It doesn’t matter as long as she makes Chloe fucking come.

She pushes her tongue past Chloe’s folds, as deep as it can possibly go. Her jaw aches badly but still, she pushes forward. She resists the urge to stop because stopping would mean she would no longer hear the wonderful sounds Chloe makes with each pass of her tongue; with each clumsy stroke of her fingers just where she knows Chloe needs her most. Beca groans at the taste of Chloe all over her mouth and the sounds of Chloe coming apart echoing all over the room.

“I’m going to come,” Chloe moans out. “I’m going to come, fuck—” she comes with a sharp cry, Beca’s name on her lips. Her hips rock up and down as if attempting to dislodge Beca from her, but her hand clamps down hard against the back of Beca’s head to keep her in place. It is an almost unfamiliar, possessive grip. Beca barely remembers when they had been so consumed by passion and lust that emotions barely had the chance to make themselves known. Still, the gesture makes Beca grind down against the bed in reaction, clenching her fingertips against Chloe’s sweat-slicked skin. She steadies herself by grabbing Chloe’s hips in a vice grip, moaning as the taste of Chloe further floods her mouth, wetting her chin slightly. Her own cunt clenches around nothing as she pants, muffling her own cry against Chloe’s thigh, finally receiving the sweetest, but smallest of releases. She kisses Chloe’s damp skin, using her teeth to bluntly nip along the soft warmth of Chloe’s inner thigh in an attempt to calm herself down.

Without waiting for Chloe to say anything else, Beca crawls up her body, using her fingers to stimulate her own clit as she goes. She groans, eyes nearly crossing at the sensation. She’s too sensitive, too far gone, so she rocks her hips greedily down against Chloe’s thigh before letting her fingers slip inside herself. Months since she has felt another person’s touch against her—months since Chloe. Even touching herself didn’t quite feel the same without the knowledge that she had Chloe. “I’m so close,” she pants out. “Please, I want to—”

Chloe nods, still slightly dazed from her orgasm, but she pulls Beca in for a searing kiss, tasting just the faintest remnants of herself along the inside of Beca’s mouth. She moans, arching upwards and spreading her legs to accommodate Beca between them. Her hands move to grab at Beca’s ass, helping her rock slowly against the steady, firm thigh Chloe has between her legs, but it’s not what Beca wants most. Her rocking is hindered by her own hand between her legs, her fingers not quite doing what she wants most. She licks her lips, whimpering at the taste of Chloe still lingering just slightly on her lower lip.

“Let me,” Chloe rasps. She wraps a hand around Beca’s wrist. “Come on,” she urges.

Beca bites her lower lip as she removes her fingers, moaning at the loss. She clumsily tries to slot herself between Chloe’s legs, thrusting her hips down as best as she can.

Chloe’s hands drift to her hips in order to better steady her. “Beca, I can—”

“No. Please,” Beca grits out, cutting Chloe off unexpectedly. “I want to feel you like this.” Her hips stutter in their rhythm, but she quickly grabs one of Chloe’s legs and lifts slightly, shifting her hips in just the right way so that she can feel Chloe’s wet folds and her stiff clit brush against her own nether regions. The sensation, even though it is slight with their haphazard positioning, makes her eyes cross and her stomach coil in pleasure knowing that she gets to experience this with Chloe once more. She gasps out, unable to stop the brief, high-pitched sounds from escaping her. She feels so close to Chloe—so connected to her once more. “Please,” she begs. “Let me, God—” she cries out, connecting fully with Chloe’s center.

She aches, badly. Partly from the discomfort of their positions, but also with how much she wants Chloe like this. Like the past few months—hell, the past year—of emotions have come rushing out to spar for dominance in the tangle of Beca’s bedsheets, no longer as crisp and clean as they had been just that morning.

It is as if Chloe feels that surge of emotion from Beca, like she always had before. Chloe’s hands tighten on her hips as her breathing grows erratic once more. She slowly guides Beca’s movements, keeping a steady, gentle rocking motion until she evidently grows impatient and reaches down to swipe her thumb against Beca’s clit. Beca gasps, hips jolting out of place, which is enough for Chloe to roll them over so she can pin Beca beneath her body and slowly press two fingers inside her. “This is so much better,” Chloe purrs, energy renewed.

Beca could disagree on some levels but she can’t exactly disagree fully, not when Chloe’s fingers feel so fucking good inside her, finally.

Months of not having that sensation of fullness, not just physically despite how fucking good it feels, but also that sensation of emotional connection she had been missing so much.

Months of feeling like she couldn’t breathe, knowing that her jealousy had been welling up inside her, threatening to spill over at any second.

Months of not having Chloe, who always knew exactly how to make her feel amazing.

“I wanted to come on you,” Beca pants out, uncaring that her brain is no longer connected to her mouth. “God, fuck, I’ve wanted to do that for so long.”

Chloe groans. “Later,” she mumbles, leaning down to suck harshly at Beca’s nipple. “I want you like this,” she declares, letting Beca know that the time for negotiation and demands is over. As Chloe’s free hand comes up to cup her breast possessively, Beca briefly wonders how she could possibly want anybody else; she wonders whether Chloe still wants her as much as she still wants Chloe; she wonders if Chloe thinks of her the same way Beca thinks of Chloe, alone in her bed.

Nothing, however, compares to this—the thick, hot air around them, sheets rumpled all around them like a nest for them to lie in until the morning comes. Beca curls her fingers into Chloe’s hair, arching her back with a weak whimper as Chloe’s fingers flex and push inside her with consistency and force.

The sharp sting of Chloe’s teeth against her sensitive skin makes Beca coil and tense once more, this time more distinct than before. She barely recognizes her own voice when she groans, deep and low, as she clenches tight around Chloe’s fingers. “Make me come, please”

“I will,” Chloe promises, increasing the intensity of her thrusts. The bed creaks.

Like a refrain that Beca has longed to hear over and over, she loses herself in the chorus of her own staccato whimpers and grunts, offset only by the echo of Chloe’s breathless sounds. She lets the sensation of being completely possessed by Chloe wrap her up in the pseudo-warmth of being loved once more—the thin blanket of passion and lust that covers them both. She clutches at it—a tightening of her fingers in Chloe’s hair once more and a sharp scratch up Chloe’s back—with some desperation, wanting to both lose herself completely and yet, stay coherent so she can recall every last moment.

“Fuck, don’t stop,” Beca pants out, losing track of the rhythm for the briefest of moments as she scrabbles to hold on to whatever part of Chloe she can reach. Chloe clutches her back in return, pressing closer to her, nearly trapping her arm and hand between their bodies entirely.

“I won’t,” Chloe promises again in a tone that sends a fresh wave of arousal through Beca.

Beca allows herself to shut her eyes.

  * * * * *

 Beca refuses to let up and to her delight, Chloe refuses to as well. She matches Beca one-for-one for everything and before either of them realizes, it is verging close to the early morning.

Sweaty and sticky, Beca moves to grab water from the hotel room’s mini-fridge and tosses a second bottle to Chloe. Chloe takes a long drink before clumsily placing the bottle on the dresser and twisting to face Beca. Chloe’s eyes are dark and wanting, with the mildest hint of exhaustion. Beca’s sure she looks the same—two of them, complete messes. But this is their own little world. At least for the next little while that Beca has Chloe here with her.

Chloe is endlessly patient. She waits while Beca drinks her water. Beca watches her, eyes tracing over the endless, unmarked skin save for a few red scratch marks and blooming hickeys in hidden spots. She wants to do more. She’s not sure where the obsession comes from, but it springs from deep within her chest, like a well that refuses to empty no matter how much Beca draws from it.

A well full of every last repressed thought about Chloe, about their relationship, and about their lives together. Beca knows that this is so unhealthy—that they should talk. But the sex makes everything feel that much more bearable. She can do this with Chloe. They’re both consenting adults. They both have the freedom to decide what they want. Chloe wants this too.

As long as Chloe wants this, she wants Beca. She wants Beca, without a doubt. It clears the insecurities momentarily.

And that’s good enough for Beca.

Beca slowly puts the mostly empty water bottle down on the closest surface. She wants desperately to shower, but she cannot resist crawling back into bed and climbing back on top of Chloe eagerly. No words are needed as their limbs intertwine and their bodies slot together naturally, like they’ve done this a thousand times. Maybe they have, Beca can’t recall. Not when Chloe pulls her in for a messy, passionate kiss, again lacking much of the care and affection their previous kisses used to have.

Beca doesn’t care. Not now, not ever, she thinks. She can do this. All she knows is that her body is somewhat satisfied, but not fully.

She needs to know that Chloe still wants her—that Chloe still desires her in the way that she always did. She is not disappointed when Chloe’s hands immediately fly to her ass, groping at the flesh she finds before slipping to her still-wet pussy. Beca knows how incredibly sore she is going to be in a few hours—perhaps she feels a hint of it already—but she cannot help but rock back onto Chloe’s fingers as she begins to fuck her again.

“Yes,” Chloe whispers. “Fuck yourself, Bec.”

Beca obeys, nodding frantically as she begins a punishing pace. She can only lift her hips so high as to keep Chloe’s fingers steady inside her, but it is Chloe who picks up the pace, who uses her strength to flip them over so she can use her hips as more leverage to drive her fingers deeper and faster.

Chloe was always better at fucking her anyway.

Again, again, Beca’s body cries out.

Her mind and heart remain shockingly quiet on the subject, but Beca wonders how anybody or anything could be displeased by this result. She comes incredibly quick, clenching tight around Chloe’s fingers. For a long moment, Chloe keeps her fingers still, both of them still breathing hard. Beca almost clamps her legs shut around Chloe’s hands, just to keep her there.

Don’t go, she almost says aloud when Chloe finally moves her hand away.

She doesn’t want it to end.

  * * * * *

 When Beca wakes up in the morning (read: only a few short hours later), her duvet is still warm and Chloe’s pillow is still slightly rumpled. The air smells of Chloe and sex. The bed is half empty, save for a small folded note just above where Chloe’s body had been laying mere hours, minutes, seconds before.

Beca does not have to look elsewhere to see that all of Chloe’s things are probably gone. She reaches for the note even though she knows that the foreboding in her heart is her body telling her that she shouldn’t.

thanks for making the start of this year amazing it was wonderful seeing you xx chloe

She hates how much it feels like another ending.

* * * * *

fin.

[randomoranges]

is it lame to do art or write fics for a character’s “birthday”? prolly. do i care? nah. Also guess the song referenced-ish in the title!

Party [For Three]

January 9th 2021

It would be silly to say that this plan had been in motion since late November, but the truth of the matter is that the plan had, in fact, been in motion, since the end of the month of November. On a day that Edward had been out on errands, Calvin had cornered Étienne between two classes to ask him whether or not he had given any thoughts to Edward’s birthday. Étienne had blinked, confused, and had reminded Calvin that Edward’s birthday was over a month away – they had time, but that yes, he had given it some thought in the vague sense that he was aware that Edward’s birthday was coming up, eventually, and that something should be done about it.

 Calvin had laughed in his face, patted him on the shoulder, and had then told him that he would e-mail him the Docs with his current brainstorming.

 Étienne had done the mistake of assuming that Calvin was kidding, but sure enough, ten minutes later, he had received a rather elaborate document titled “Brainstorm for Deadward’s Birthday – COVID LOCKDOWN EDITION 2021.”

 Étienne had – not been surprised.

 Therefore, he’d read the document and through it, the both of them had discreetly figured out what to do for their respective boyfriend for his birthday.

 Now, Edward never really bothered with his birthday. It was too close after the holidays and everyone was always tired from over-indulging and over-spending. It often went unnoticed and the post-holiday depression settled in on people. There wasn’t really anything to look forward to or to keep the moral up and so, Edward never really went out of his way, unlike some people he knew, to create a big bash or make a big deal of it. It was just another day, after all, and in his case, birthdays were highly insignificant in the grand scheme of things. On top of that, this year was even less than stellar, considering the current pandemic and the fact that nearly everything was shut down.

 Therefore, he planned to eat the, hopefully, last of the leftovers, sleep, spend a quiet day, do some cleaning and maybe watch a movie. Keep it lowkey and such.

 Still, he had to admit that the fact that both Calvin and Étienne were in town with him was rather nice. That was gift and indulgence enough. He’d had birthdays with Calvin, especially since they’d started dating, and Calvin always did do something special for him, which was nice, even if it always made him flustered. However, this would be the first time, in probably ever, that Étienne was here for his birthday – that they could celebrate it together. (He was partially to blame for that. He had never visited Étienne beyond a few days post New Year’s and he had shut down Étienne’s suggestion one year of coming back with him to spend the week until his birthday under the excuse of work and such. In his defence, he’d always assumed that Étienne didn’t want to come over or be with him for his birthday. Which, retrospectively was really stupid, considering the fact that Étienne always did something for him on their last day together for his birthday and then called him on the day of. Sometimes, he wondered if the drugs hadn’t actually affected his brain capacities at times.)

 What he failed to take into consideration, (or maybe he had and he was just playing along) was that both Calvin and Étienne would not stand for that and that they had, over the past month, developed an elaborate and full plan for his birthday. Cake included.

 Seeing as the possibility of activities was limited, Calvin and Étienne had agreed that they would focus on what they could do to make the day special. All chores and other such tasks were not to be done by Edward, regardless of what he said, no matter what, no questions asked. The cake would be delivered during the day by Edward’s favourite local bakery. They’d thought of baking something together, but with Edward around all the time, it would have been hard to hide the cake or the evidence. Even if they waited for him to be out of the house, Edward would most likely smell the cake upon his return and even if they hid the cake and made extra batter to say they had made cupcakes for fun, the risk of Edward finding the place where they would have hid the cake was too high. (Calvin had thought of all possible scenarios and Étienne had been surprisingly good into figuring out how Edward could find out.)

 Obviously, they could have made this easier on themselves by telling Edward that they wanted to plan something for him, but Calvin and Étienne had agreed that making this a “surprise” would be better and way more cooler. Plus, Edward would shoot the idea down and tell them both that he didn’t need anything special or something equally lame and boring and old man like.

 Hence, they kept to their secret document and tried to keep a low profile.

 “Y’know, the whole idea of birthday breakfast was for everything to be ready on time and for the food to be hot. How long does it take to make your parfaits? At this rate the French toast will be cold and the bacon will have coagulated!” Calvin complained for what felt like the seventy-third time since the sun had risen.

 “You can’t just rush art, McCall. Isn’t there some fancy “keep warm” option on that monster? It’s not my fault you decided to get up earlier still to get a head start. I told you to wake me up if I was still asleep!” Étienne tried to calmly retort as he added the delicate chocolate shavings on top of the parfait he was currently trying to finish.

 “Yeah, well, how the frig was I s’posed to know that your no-bake-super-fast-and-easy-parfaits would take literal hours to make?!” Calvin asked as he leaned over Étienne’s shoulder to observe his handy work.

 “I’ve been in this kitchen for less than twenty minutes. You’re the one who hogged the entire counter.” Étienne added as he nudged Calvin away so that he could reach over for the raspberries.

 “You said you didn’t need the kitchen!” Calvin whined.

 “Where the hell did you want me to assemble the parfaits; space?”

 “Well, that would’ve been interesting to see.”

 Étienne sighed and rolled his eyes, “Anyways, I’m done.”

 Their carefully constructed plan was to make breakfast for Edward. They’d established a menu, had gone over it more than once, and had had to find creative ways to put some of the ingredients on the grocery list without raising any questions. (Eventually, Calvin had gone out to get some of the things himself and had just hoped that Edward wouldn’t find them.) Their plan was also to make dinner for Edward but their collaboration wasn’t at its best. Still, they supposed it was the thought that counted and so long as the food was good and Edward liked it, they’d count it as a victory.

 The rest of the plan for the day could be summarised as “spend time with Edward” and “make sure he has a nice time” and “spoil him” and “give him gifts” and “make sure he doesn’t wash the dishes or do any laundry” and “do whatever it is he wants to do so long as it’s not a chore.”

 The stakes weren’t exactly very high, but considering the current situation, it was a pretty good plan.

 The bottom line was that they both wanted to do something nice for Edward and spend the day with him.

 The only problem that they hadn’t taken into consideration was the fact that their little discussion could have potentially woken up the one person they were trying to let sleep in for as long as humanly possible.

 “Ahem.”

 They both stopped their bickering and slowly turned in time towards the sound of the interruption, only to find Edward, sleep rumpled and small smirk in place, standing at the entrance of the kitchen, with his arms crossed over his chest.

 They blinked and looked at one another, trying to figure out how to solve this before their perfectly crafted plan fell to ashes and to smithereens.

 “Good morning, gentlemen, I hope you both slept well. I slept fine and I must say, that for as much as I did enjoy having a few hours to myself to hog the bed in any which way I wanted, I was a little bit disappointed to wake up and find it completely empty.”

 Calvin opened his mouth to say something, but Edward raised his hand to stop him, “I had been looking forward to at least one birthday morning cuddle on the day of my actual birthday, but even Mercury had abandoned her post. So, do enlighten me, what’s going on?” He asked with a kind smile that both Calvin and Étienne knew was entirely fake.

 Without missing a beat, the other two nodded and then Étienne stepped forward, “This is all a dreeeeeaaaaaammmmm,” He started, changing his voice and flailing his arms as if he were a ghost or something of the sorts.

 Calvin mimicked Étienne and did the same, “You are sleep waaaalkiiiiiiinnnnng. You have seen noooooothinggggggg.” He added, his voice low.

 Edward tried hit utmost best not to laugh at their antics.

 “Go back to beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed.” They finished off in unison as they walked towards Edward to shoo him back to the bedroom.

 “All right, all right, I’m going, I’m going. No need to be so rude, hallucinations. I’m gone.”

 Calvin and Étienne made sure that Edward was back in the bedroom, before they returned to the kitchen and slumped against the counter.

 “Well, that was close.” Étienne said as he stole a grape off the platter he’d been assembling earlier.

 “Think he actually fell for it?” Calvin asked him. They gave each other a look and then laughed, potentially knowing better. “Alright, let’s get this show on the road.”

 They made sure to set everything on the table so that it was picture perfect, with every last detail accounted for, right down to the carefully folded napkins and the utensils placed the “proper way,” before going back to the bedroom to join Edward.

 --

 When Edward ��came to”, it was to find Mercury using his chest as her personal pillow, Étienne with his legs sprawled over his own and Calvin sitting by his head, seemingly engrossed in his phone. Mercury was the first to notice that he was “awake” and proceeded to lick his face, despite his feeble attempts to gently nudge her away.

 “Good morning to you, sleeping beauty,” Calvin teased as he levelled with him to peck his other cheek.

 “So nice of you to join us,” Étienne piped in, grinning, as he slung an arm over Edward’s chest.

 Edward shook his head, fond and amused, and did his best to try to sit up, what with everyone seemingly draped over him in some way.

 “We have it on good authority that today is a special day, actually,” Étienne went on, his grin only growing.

 Edward played along and nodded.

 “Yeah, it’s Saturday! So we made brunch! Come with us!” Calvin added, before bounding off the bed.

 Before Edward had fully wrapped his mind around what was going on, he found himself once more in an empty bed, resigned himself to getting out of it, and followed them to the kitchen, he presumed.

 Edward padded after them and expected to find the table set with brunch, but he had failed to account for the fact that both Calvin and Étienne would most likely go all out for his birthday, again.

 “Surprise!” They shouted once he’d stepped in.

 Instead, he found the table covered with one of the nicer tablecloths. There was a painted banner that hung from the wall that had not been there earlier, the spread on the table was gorgeous and looked delicious, there were fresh flowers in the center of the table and there were even presents carefully stacked up together at the spot where he always sat.

 He was touched, moved, really.

 “Happy birthday!” Calvin said as he walked over to him to give him a hug he accepted without thought.

 “We love you,” Étienne added as he walked over as well and then added himself to the hug.

 Edward couldn’t quite form a coherent sentence, so instead he let both Calvin and Étienne shower him with hugs and attention for the time being.

 He would get his revenge, eventually – after they ate.

 It would be a shame to waste such a feast.

 FIN

[joeymozzarello]

Pen to Paper

Chapter Seven

Summary: A simple thesis on a simple book she’d read. That’s all she needed to do. She knew it would be at least a little bit arduous but she didn’t think it would cause this much trouble.

Pairing: Tim Murphy x original female character

Words: 1,511

A/N: i wrote part of this chapter on the same day i wrote chapter one. i’ve been waiting to post it for so long, i hope you enjoy<3

//

“It was a mistake,” Julie said, voice full of regret, trying not to cry. “I shouldn’t have done it, it was a mistake--” Tim stepped forward, hand on his chin, staring down at the mess Julie had made. He took a breath in, opened his mouth, and then closed it shut. “I’m dead. I’m dead. This is it, Americans still have the death penalty, right? I’m dead.”

Tim sighed. “You’re being dramatic. It’s not that bad--” he paused and then looked back at her, scrunching his face. “Okay, it’s kinda bad, but you’ll be fine, I’m sure it’s happened before.”

Julie gave him the deadest look she could muster. “Have you ever printed seven hundred pages of porn from a company printer?” Julie pointed at the printer (which was still going) and the paper spewed out on the floor, showing some very graphic images. “Not only is this a disgrace but I have managed to singlehandedly kill the environment,” she fell into a chair and dropped her face in her hands. Tim held back a giggle as he walked to the back of the printer and unplugged it.

He sat next to her with a grin on his face. “So you clicked on a link from a spam email. Lots of baby boomers have done that--” Julie looked up and hit his arm. Tim started laughing, that most comfortable she’d ever seen him, basking in her embarrassment. 

“It’s not funny!” She hit him again.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” He giggled. “I just can’t believe you didn’t think about unplugging it in the first place,” he smiled at her so you could see all of his teeth. I could punch him right now-- or kiss him, I could do that too-- she stopped that thought right in its tracks. They hadn’t talked about that night, not one word, and Julie was lowkey glad. She couldn’t handle rejection and she definitely couldn’t handle a relationship, or worse, she was shit scared she was going to end up being a casual love affair-- that would be worse than rejection. So she ignored the fact that it even happened.

“I froze, okay? I freaked out!”

Tim picked up the pages and looked at them, tilting his head. Julie knotted her eyebrows and then hit him again. “Stop hitting me!” There was laughter in his voice but his face was pensive. “What if we give it to the homeless? I’m sure they aren’t getting any--” he dodged another hit. “Alright fine, what do you wanna do with these?”

Julie hung her head in shame. “I don’t know! Shred them, forget this day ever happened,” she sighed. Tim shrugged.

“Alright, whatever you say,” he started collecting the sheets from the ground. “It’s a shame we can’t even use it as scrap paper.”

“Haha, very funny, Timothy,” she rolled her eyes and begun picking things up.

They shredded every bit of paper they’d printed and strangely enough, what she felt most guilty about was the waste of paper. Oh environment Gods, please don’t kill me. She didn’t say this to Tim, he would’ve just made fun of her and she couldn’t handle that right now.

It took two hours.

“What’s the time?” Julie asked, fanning herself with her hand. The heating was too far up and she was wearing a wooly jumper. Tim came up from behind her and patted her hair, an action that felt so intimate somehow. She bit her lip to stop herself saying anything stupid.

“It’s almost four,” he said, walking around her towards his desk. He wasn’t looking at her. “Hey, do you wanna go get ice cream or something?”

“It’s November,” she brushed a hand through her fringe to get it out of her eyes, it flicked back as soon as she let go.

“So?” He turned around and leaned back on his desk, playing with a ball of rubber bands, his auburn hair glistening in the dim lighting of the room, his eyes screaming trouble.

“Isn’t that against the rules?”

“When have we ever followed the rules?”

~+~

Julie spoke through a mouthful of ice cream, a smile taking up most of her face, desperately trying to put it away so she could swallow her food. “You’re the worst when it comes to detail, you speak in generalizations only,” she chuckled. Tim gave her a playful gasp with a hand over his chest. “It’s true!” she shut her eyes. “I bet you don’t even know what color my eyes are.”

Tim was silent. Blue, he wanted to say, of course, they’re blue. They’re as blue as the cleanest ocean and the clearest sky. They’re crystal clear and they give everything away. Every glint of excitement, every annoying thought, everything. How could I ever miss the color of your eyes, the depth of your stares, the warmth of your thoughts? How could I ever? Instead, with a sad smile on his face, he said, “I dunno, green? A hazel-y color?” 

She opened her eyes with a loud laugh pointing at her eyes and twisting her face. “Come on, Tim, they’re blue, the easiest color to remember!” She took another spoonful of her ice cream. “I guess I was right, you’re not that observant after all,” she smiled.

The past week had been torture for Tim Murphy. He saw Julie every day, he watched her as she awkwardly stumbled past his office, as she took everyone’s coffee order, as she laughed at the librarian’s unfunny jokes and as she pretended nothing happened between the two of them. He wanted to say something, every day he built himself up to talk to her and ask her what it all meant, if it meant anything at all, if he wasn’t the only one to feel all those squirmy feelings every time he saw her, only to then crumble at the sight of her.

He watched her tuck her hair behind her ear as she licked some ice cream from the corner of her mouth, his stomach flipped. He swallowed, pulling his eyes away from her and back to his little cone. He cleared his throat. “So have you figured out your financial situation, yet?” He asked as kindly as he could but he was sure that somehow it came out wrong. “I mean-- if you’re okay with sharing, I just wanted to make sure that, um...”

She put her hand on his shoulder. God, he was being so awkward. “You’re fine,” she grinned. “My dad transferred me some money that should help till the end of the month, but I have to go back to England for Christmas-- those were his terms,” she shrugged. He tried not to look disappointed. Not because he wasn’t happy about her being back on her feet and being able to eat a full meal but-- he didn’t know why. 

“That’s good,” he said passively, with the fakest smile on his face. 

She tilted her head with a confused look on her face. “Are you sure bout that, buddy?” She teased. His face flushed. “But thank you for asking. It’s good to have a friend here, you had me scared at the beginning, I thought you didn’t like me,” Julie did that thing where she bit the inside of her cheek to stop herself from feeling awkward.

Friend.

Friend. 

F r i e n d.

Tim took a half breath in and laughed. “Hang on, hang on, who said we were friends? Who told you I liked you?”

“Oh? Oh my gosh, I must’ve gotten you confused with--” she paused. “Shit! Are you not Bill Nye the Science Guy? I thought I was hanging with him! I’m so sorry to bother you, sir,” they both burst out laughing at how stupid that was.

“My, oh my, that was tragic,” he wiped a fake tear. Just like that, she made him feel so light and--

She looked at her phone. “Holy shit, is that the time?” Her eyes were wide. “Tim you have a meeting in six minutes! The head of the department is coming in just for this!” Tim dropped his spoon just as his stomach dropped-- he didn’t know if it was nerves or if it was because their hang out was being cut short.

Julie picked up her bag, and pulled Tim’s arm. “Come on, man, we gotta go!” She tugged at him as he picked up his jacket and then they were off.

Tim and Julie ran a ten-minute walk in under six minutes. 

They got to the conference room meeting just as they were about to shut the door. Dr Connors was already in there, eyeing the two of them and she mouthed ‘hurry up’ as she saw Tim. 

He was about to go in when Julie stopped him by grabbing his sleeve. “Look at me,” she said, a very serious look on her face. She licked her thumb and wiped the corner of his mouth. “There ya go, perfect.” 

Tim walked into the conference room, his heart beating faster than he ever thought it could.

Masterlist

[stabbingandorbeingstabbed]

hey kady can u talk abt ur tattoos a little bit!! absolutely DUMMY in love with ur joan tattoo and am just curious abt the rest of ur tattoos n if u have any more planned!!

oh fucking ABSOLUTELY dude i love talking abt my tattoos lmao ive got 6 but i did two of them myself on a bender one night when i was like 21 and its just a shitty little saturn on my wrist and the black lodge symbol from twin peaks on my inner elbow/forearm area and my dumb ass really didnt think they’d stick around but theyre still very Present nearly 6 years later so lmao but my REAL tattoos in chronological order ARE:

(u can also see my black lodge stick n poke lmao) this was my first tattoo and i got it partly to cover some pretty gnarly self-harm scars but also just bc i think floral tattoos are really pretty?? and my mom has an actual Obsession with toile print its like a central design element in like 6 rooms of our house so i liked the idea of doing toile flowers so it’d always remind me of her!! :-) she was like “well i dont like the idea of tattoos but if you HAVE to get one i guess this one is okay” which is about as much as an approval im ever gonna get from her on the tattoo front lmao

this was my second one and i finally got it done last november after wanting it since i was like 13 and my tattoo artist is so cool and wonderful and was So Excited to do this one and she played mcr the whole time and we talked at length about our respective emo phases and it was a blast :’-)

i literally got these wrist stitches bc my brother gave me $100 for a late xmas present and im frank iero trash like thats literally It i had a day off and i just walked into a tattoo parlor and showed them a blurry pic of franks wrist tattoo and was like “how much will this cost me” and like 40 minutes later i was on my way home lmao

this one is my most recent but also my fav bc fucking LOOK at her dude okay. so literally i just saw another tattoo someone had of joan on this hellsite and was like “oh thats cool as fuck i want one” like it Did Not Go deeper than that and it wasnt even supposed to be an mcr-related tattoo in the beginning but like in the time between emailing my tattoo artist and the actual appointment i learned about how joan of arc was gerards favorite historical figure at one point and how he related to her as someone called by god or maybe touched in the head and willing to die for their cause and how he’d have nightmares of her burning at the stake and thats when it turned into an mcr-adjacent tattoo and i. literally Cannot believe how incredible it turned out dude like i am So Lucky to be able to have this on my body forever i owe my tattoo artist my whole entire life??? also i got it on the back of my arm because once again i am frank iero trash and i wanted it in the same spot he has his lady of sorrows bc theyre both saints lmao

as for tattoos i want in the future i THINK next i wanna do a bullets tattoo next since i already have one for revenge and tbp (kinda) and i want it to be the hanging man tarot card but with the hanging houdini silhouette and the text at the bottom in the bullets font?? but i also kinda lowkey wanna have frank write his own lyrics for me to get tattooed in between the cincinnati and louisville shows but i. havent decided on which lyrics and ive only got like less than a month to decide bc my shows are in early june lmao

sorry this is so LONG its probably way more than you bargained for but i just. love tattoos and love talking abt them thanks for sending this!!!

[handlingthis-megara-blog]

Megara Tilusi Gonzalez Egan – Character Sheet

i'm bad at love / but you can't blame me for tryin' /you know i'd be lyin' sayin' / you were the one / that could finally fix me / lookin' at my history / i'm bad at love / oh, you know, you know, you know, you know / i'm bad at love / i'm bad at love

i know that you're afraid / i’m gonna walk away / each time the feeling fades / each time the feeling fades / i know that you're afraid / i'm gonna walk away / each time the feeling fades

Archetype — The Adventurer Birthday — November 1, 1985 Zodiac Sign — Scorpio sun, Sagittarius rising, Gemini moon MBTI — ENTP Enneagram — 5: the Investigator Temperament — Melancholic Hogwarts House — Ravendor Moral Alignment — Chaotic Neutral Primary Vice — Greed Primary Virtue — Diligence Element — Earth

Overview:

Mother — Margaret Gonzalez Egan Father — Ahsan Egan (nee Haroun) Mother’s Occupation — Abandoned Meg, so who gives a fuck, right? (She’s a police officer, ex-military, random hc: she works with Copper, bc I always make everyone from Cork.) Father’s Occupation — Writer/stay at home dad. Family Finances — Not great, not terrible. Birth Order — Only child. Brothers —  None. Sisters — None. Other Close Family — None, her father doesn’t talk to his family in India and her mother’s family was never in the picture. Best Friend — None. Other Friends — None. Enemies — Ninsun, but she also sorta likes her? It’s fucked up. Her ex--Canis Greenleaf. Pets — None, though Ninsun takes the form of a sandy colored Persian cat. Home Life During Childhood — It started out pretty good, when she was five, they moved to Iraq because of her mom’s work. (She was a technician for the military, high ranking, she wasn’t out in the field.) They moved back to Ireland when Meg was ten. Her mom left abruptly when she was thirteen. She found out later that her parents had been fighting for a while and it wasn’t as abrupt as she thought. Still, her mom didn’t even say goodbye to her or anything, so that sucked. She rebelled as a young teen, smoked, did (minor) drugs, etc, etc. Had a boyfriend at the age 13. Once she got into secondary, she settled down a bit because she was actually being challenged in school and really enjoyed herself. Town or City Name(s) — Cork, Ireland -- Baghdad, Iraq -- Cork, Ireland What Did His or Her Bedroom Look Like — Posters everywhere, always looked like a tornado had blown through. Oscillated between girly and punk. Any Sports or Clubs — Book club, chess club, football Favorite Toy or Game — Crosswords. Also Clue. Schooling — Went to public schools and military schools, got her undergrad at Dublin, masters at Oxford, PhD at Cambridge and then La Sorbonne. Favorite Subject — History Popular or Loner — Loner, but had a loyal group. Important Experiences or Events — Her mother leaving/getting accepted to school/living in Saudi/her experience with her ex Nationality — Irish Culture — an Irish/Indian/Middle Eastern hybrid Religion and beliefs — Spiritual, but doesn’t exactly have a religion, much to her father’s dismay.

Physical Appearance:

Face Claim —  Summer Bishil Complexion — Golden/brown Hair Colour — Dark brown   Eye Colour — Brown Height — 5’3 Build — short but kind of sporty/curvy Tattoos — probably one or two Piercings — ears, had a septum when she was younger, has a nose piercing. Common Hairstyle — usually down or in a high pony, occasionally a braid. Clothing Style — a little femme punk is probably the best way to describe it. Leather jacket, dark wash jeans, boots. Mannerisms — purses her lips a lot, can talk animatedly with her hands and body when she gets passionate about something, but tends to be rather still otherwise.   Usual Expression —

Health:

Overall (do they get sick easily)? — not really? Travel always makes her a little sick though. Physical Ailments — well sometimes her eye sees into the underworld which can give her mad vertigo lol Neurological Conditions — none Allergies —  none Grooming Habits — loves a good groom; treats herself to baths n face masks n such all the time Sleeping Habits — not so great these days, underworld nightmares, am I right? Eating Habits — good, she doesn’t eat beef, loves a good salad, a good curry, lots of protein and good for you food. Exercise Habits —  tries to exercise regularly in a lowkey way, though she has gotten a little worse in the last few months. Emotional Stability — hot temper but tries to control it behind an air of indifference. Body Temperature — runs a little cold, especially these days Sociability — used to be much more extroverted than she is now. Extroversion is her natural setting. Addictions — knowledge. Drug Use — in secondary Alcohol Use — frequent

Your Character’s Character:

Bad Habits — abrasive, snarky, untrusting Good Habits — loyal af, self care af Best Characteristic — loyalty and being like a dog w a bone when faced with a problem. Worst Characteristic — not letting anyone in Worst Memory — finding Canis cheating Best Memory — going on her first dig! Proud of — her degree Embarrassed by — her feelings lol Driving Style — a lil reckless Strong Points — fierce, loyal, smart, a bad bitch Temperament — easy and quick to anger, always bitter Attitude — needs an adjustment Weakness — her heart and thirst for knowledge Fears — becoming invisible (not successful in her career, with no friends.) Phobias — none Secrets — so many Regrets — Canis. Feels Vulnerable When — she feels emotions for someone Pet Peeves — so many things but mansplaining is the original sin Conflicts — trust v preservation Motivation — being successful af Short Term Goals and Hopes — publish a book Long Term Goals and Hopes — be the best known in her field Sexuality — bisexual Day or Night Person — night Introvert or Extrovert — introverted extrovert Optimist or Pessimist — pessimist af

Likes and Styles:

Movies — Indiana Jones, The Mummy Movies--the classic archaeological films, of course. Also into horror movies and slashers, to the concern of her parents. Though, she also had a soft spot for certain romances: Titanic and Moulin Rouge. Her absolute favorite is Big Fish. Good luck prying that out of her. Books — loves books. Prefers nonfiction but can get into a good fiction. Magazines — none Foods — Indian food. The thing she always missed being away from home was her dad’s cooking. Drinks — Big water drinker. A water with a little lemon is her go to. Also, vodka with a little lemon. She’s not picky. Especially these days. What? She can hold her alcohol. Animals — Owls, or púcaí, which is an Irish creature that was always benevolent to Meg, since she was born on Puca day. Sports — loves a good game of football  Social Issues — women’s rights, anything discriminatory she’s fiercely against Favorite Saying — some old middle eastern proverb probably Color — purples and pinks, they’re soft, lovely colors. She doesn’t wear them very often, but they’re definitely her favorites. She has like purple binders and a purple phone case, stuff like that, where you can definitely pick up on her favorite. Though, her favorite shade is probably a magenta kind of color, as that is what the “purple” of the ancient world would look like. She also is a big fan of turquoise and owns a lot of turquoise jewelry, both because she likes it and also because it has protective powers. Clothing — loves her leather jacket, wears lots of boots and darker colors. Jewelry — usually can be seen wearing a decent amount of jewelry. Games — clue is her fave, also likes word games and puzzle games, etc. Music — Dad rock. Loves KISS, Bruce Springsteen, Pearl Jam, The National, Counting Crows. Classics like Queen and the Beatles, etc. She also loves some good girl groups and artists. Definitely a fan of Florence and Beyonce, Elle King, Ginny Wigmore, Aretha Franklin, Christina Aguilera--I could keep going. She’s an avid music-consumer. Definitely that person that hung posters on their wall and was obsessed with certain band members and groups.  Greatest Want — to be the very best, like no one ever was Greatest Need — to learn to trust in her heart

Where and How Does Your Character Live Now:

Home — Castle Suites Household furnishings — modern n chic, tho also lots of books Favorite Possession — probably her books Most Cherished Possession — the recipe book her dad gave her when she moved out the first time. Married Before — nope, was secretly engaged though Significant Other Before — a few dates here or there but she was always focused on her studies Children — god no Relationship with Family — she’s a daddy’s girl for sure, but they’ve been distant since the Ifrit. Car — none, she can drive tho Career — archaeologist/professor Dream Career — exactly what she’s doing Dream Life — exactly her life minus the huge betrayal and the Ifrit. Though, the Ifrit has its perks. Love Life — no. Talents or Skills — has access to pretty unlimited knowledge thanks to the Ifrit, but she’s hella smart on her own. Knows several languages, also really sharp reflexes. Intelligence Level — high Finances — stable

[gayasinstupidpodcast]

What’s up gamers!!! Our fourth episode plowed through the chaos of thanksgiving holidays and is Here w/ some Facts and Opinions about creating shit and being LGBT and how being LGBT influences creating shit. HEADS UP we recorded this while I had a cold so my voice is probably a little off, but ik Isaac put SO much work into the editing so it would be ready on time and we have recorded statements from some amazing artists (transcriptions under the cut below!) & this is honestly one of my favorite episodes we’ve done so far, so give her a listen if you’re gay or enjoy fun things!

BIG thank you once again to everyone who participated in this month’s episode!! Your contributions are so valued and so beautiful!!

You can find us on the Itunes Podcast App/Webpage at Gay As In Stupid Podcast! You can also find our episodes uploaded to Youtube and Soundcloud!

You can also follow us on twitter at gayasinstupid!

Further Reading on LGBT Artists

Montage of a Queering Deferred: Memory, Ownership, and Archival Silencing in the Rhetorical Biography of Langston Hughes

The Political Provocations of Keith Haring 

Pop art politics: Activism of Keith Haring 

E M Forster’s Gay Fiction

Alok Vaid-Menon Tells Us What It’s Like To Be Femme In Public

Shea Diamond Speaks Her Truth

Aaron’s 2018 November Recs!

Alok Alok Vaid-Menon is one of my favorite poet/activist/performance artists out there! Their writing and stage presence is gorgeous and witty in a way that’s SO clever and still feels like you’re in a room trading jokes you don’t need to explain with your closest trans friends. The way they balance their art creates a real, deeply touching experience that feels very essential to our world.

Miles (2016) Miles is set in 1999 and is a coming of age story about a gay teenager trying to get a volleyball scholarship for college in Chicago. It’s not revolutionary and it’s not over the top dramatic, but it’s funny and honest and it makes me feel nice. Definitely the movie to watch when you’ve just been through something emotionally taxing and need a light crying session and some mediocre pastries.

Isaac’s 2018 November Recs!

The Adventure Zone I know half of you already kin the Mcelroys while the other half either don’t know or don’t care, but the Adventure Zone is one of my most favorite things in the world. It’s a DND podcast (yes, all episodes are transcribed, and they have a graphic novel for the first arc of Balance with a second one on the way!) by three brothers plus their dad, and not only does it have the most amazing story and is ungodly funny, but TONS of gays (Griffin went ape with those Lesbian NPCS)! And just because they can! Same with trans characters. It’s a story where they just exist, and that’s really important to me because in a lot of media LGBT have to almost prove why they deserve to take up space. And it’s not just something that goes on in their first campaign, Amnesty also has those sweet sweet gay! I could talk about this podcast for hours, so if you needed that final push to give it a listen, THIS IS IT!

Stardew Valley You get to farm and be gay. And if THAT hasn’t sold you on this charming video game, then maybe the super cute graphics, beautiful soundtrack and a handful of interesting characters will! TBH I spend so much time playing this game it’s concerning. It’s just such a fun way to relax, and I just really REALLY like video games were I can chose to be gay. Like. God Tier. YOU CAN HAVE CROPS AND CHICKENS AND BE GAY C’MON YALL!!

The Amazing Quotes And Artists Featured!

Meg | instagram | esty

“My identity as a bisexual woman influences my art in many ways. As a woman, i create art about the issues that effect me, such as abortion and gender equality, in order to resonate with the people that matter most to me. As a bisexual individual, my subjects often appear from a gaze that falls outside of the stereotypical eye. My figure drawings and portraits all come from a place of admiration, and don’t fall into the stereotype of the male gaze or womanly care- they are the space inbetween, equally sexualized and normalized. I feel lucky to be a bi gal in the art world because it is a place that is my own to create in. There are so many queer artists that i look up to such as Mapplethorpe and Warhol, and many female artists i can cite as influence (Jenny Holzer, Kiki Smith, and Louise Bourgeois to name a few). My identity gives me a whole new world of content to draw from and allows my work to resonate with a wider audience, and I really think that any artists goal is to reach and touch as many people as possible.“  

Cameron | twitter | instagram 

“I don’t think that it influences the form really, but it definitely influences the subject matter! (Much as I hate to admit it, my identity influences the majority of choices I make in life.) I write a lot of poems about lgbtq related things and religion, as well as other stuff too. I was raised catholic, so realizing that I was “different” at more than one point in my teen years was scary AF. Being a member of the lgbtq+ community and also trying to still feel like I belong, or wanting to, in a religious community is hard, the two things are usually at a crossroads in my life so writing about them makes it easier for me to get through. My hope is that someday someone reads what I wrote and finds some peace in their own life/experience.” 

Vince | art instagram

“Well, being transgender I feel like I’m constantly aware of the lack of representation of my community, and I feel like it might be because of that I tend to experiment with showing all sorts of different type of people in my work. Because there’s so much diversity in the world, why not showcase that?”

Fox | art instagram  

“Oof…I’m gay so my characters always be gay. Gotta Fill the void in media w my own bullshit so I don’t have to rely on straight showrunners who will inevitably discard the character since they themselves seem to have no personal attachment and treat lgbt characters as disposable extras. Bc if I don’t at least attempt to create representation in the field I’m going into then I can’t rlly complain about the lack of it right? If I don’t try and change it I can’t complain about the lack of change so being an lgbt artist is lowkey Big Pressure to be revolutionary in your work but sometime…..I just wanna draw funkey animeal and that’s aight too”

Jen | twitter | instagram

“As a female bisexual poet, I worry often that my poetry and art will be too niche to be appreciated. I’ve spent years editing my poetry down to its barest bones in hopes that someone will relate to it. Changing pronouns back and forth because I worry that if I do talk about a woman, the poem will be stripped of its context and suddenly be about my queerness when in reality it never was. When I write about love and people I have dated and have crushed on, I want the poem to exist outside of the gender of who I love. I fear my authorial death will result in a complete misinterpretation of what I mean. When I write, it truly does not matter to me if I am writing about a woman or a man. If I feel what I write and I can make someone else feel it too does it matter that I also love women? I write what matters to me overall, regardless of gender, I try to make my poetry as true as possible. Sometimes, when I catch myself over editing I try to take myself back to the moment, to the person, what I loved about him or her. “

Lain | art instagram

“My LGBT Identity has significantly impacted almost all of my art, especially my work over the last two years. Ever since I have allowed myself to accept that I am trans and began my transition (6 months on T!), the impact that my Roman Catholic upbringing has had on my bisexual trans identity has bled into my artwork. Because of the way I was raised, accepting and allowing myself to be authentic has been an upward struggle. And what better way to process and document struggle than art?  

Much of my recent work has had a focus on the trans body, particularly the “sanctity” of self-actualization and the god-like power that comes with accepting and creating yourself in the unique and exceptional way that LGBT people must in order to live authentically. Two of my pieces on this topic were actually recently exhibited at UWM in the Trans-lucent exhibition, and will remain there until December 15th (I think). I got sick and tired of never seeing trans representation, so now I am creating that space that I crave in my own work.”

Kobe | instagram | soundcloud

“My art from is very influenced by my LGBT identity. It is very influenced by my LGBT black Identity. I think that whenever an artist makes their art (in my case writing music, singing, dancing) they should incorporate as much of themselves as possible. I think my LGBT identity definitely adds a sense of representation as well. I want people like me to listen to my music to know they aren’t alone. So it influences my work a lot. “

Nat | art instagram

“I think the fact that I am part of the LGBT+ community influences my art directly. Even though I don’t draw as often as I wish, I believe both my drawings and college projects (I am a 3d art/animation student), and my creativity in general is inspired by my personal experiences as a gay woman and common things experienced by the community. I try as often as I can to bring representation of some kind in the things I do, mainly personal projects. I also feel that it influences me on my motivation to keep creating; whenever I listen to, see drawings, watch movies or see whatever form of artistic expression from LGBT+ artists it gives me the energy to keep going, to keep creating.”

[elizardc-arts]

Drawing Daily in 2018!

Hi, it’s me - Eliza! I decided to draw everyday for 2018 and posted the process in instagram. Each month I did a drawing challenge and each month I tried out a new medium.

January

Creatuary: Mythical Creatures. I was lowkey doing the Creatuanary challenge created by dibujantenocturno, joshuacairos_art, and rafater_official. What’s fun about Creatuanary was that they tell you what the prompt for the day only so you can’t really pre-plan and just have to do things on the spot. I think it’s a really fun exercise. The medium I used for this month was the Zig Brushable Markers. They’re for calligraphy but I like doing art with them, they’re super nice. I highly recommend them to anyone. They’re kind of my go to markers. Though, I haven’t actually experimented with TomBows or the Prismacolors or Copics at all so I’d take what I say with a grain of salt.

February

Faebruary: Fairies! There’s also FaerieFeb hosted by archibald.art and maxineart. This was super fun. This was one of my favourite challenges. I don’t know if it was the medium I used or the subject matter - probably a combination of both! I used watercolours - a Palette of Prang - and I really enjoyed it. I hadn’t used watercolours since I was in high school and I remember not exactly enjoying the experience overall but within three days of painting fairies I’ve gone aboard the watercolour boat and I don’t wanna get down!

March

March of Robots: Robots! Created by chocolatesoop - MoR is super bomb. I used Stabilo Boss Highlighters for this month and my big take is HIGHLIGHTERS DO NOT SCAN WELL. Or at all. Also, I hear they fade. So, it’s not really a medium that has ‘archival quality’. However, it was super fun. I love using bright obnoxious colours. Everything just pops! Also! They give away brand spankin’ new wacom tablets to five lucky participants regardless of skill level! I highly recommend anyone join this!  

April

AstroApril: Constellations and planets! I couldn’t really find a monthly drawing challenge I wanted to do this month so I decided to make my own with AstroApril! I love the stars and galaxy art is always great so I figured why not? And - I decided to use coloured pencils - I got a pack of Prismacolors. Two things - one Prismacolors are the best coloured pencils I have ever used ( I’ve only used student quality sets thus far so I might not have the best grasp of the best coloured pencil sets) - they blend well and are so so creamy it’s such a dream! Two - I don’t recommend using coloured pencils when doing galaxy art. It was fun sure - and I have a deep relationship with coloured pencils now that I have never had before but in terms of efficiency, specially with the subject matter - I highly discourage it. It took me a very long time to create each piece. I guess that’s just the way things are with coloured pencil but you can get the galaxy effect very easily with paints.

May

MerMay: Mermaids! Created by tombancroft1 - mermaids were fun! You gotta play with fluidity and it was a fun challenge trying to figure out which pose to do. I also considering it was May - Star Wars Month - enjoyed drawing star wars characters as mermaids. I used gouache for this and wow is gouache great! If you’ve never used gouache before, just imagine what would happen if acrylics and watercolours had a baby. I used a reeves set that was gifted to me. And considering its a student quality kit, it gave me a very nice taste of what could be accomplished with gouache. I’m highly considering investing in a more heftier set of gouache.

June

Journey June: the hero’s journey in art challenge form! This was great because it introduced me to a lot of cool new things like Creative Twitch Streams and the process of conceiving a story. Better yet! It introduced me to cloverkin and galvosaur the pair who created Journey June. They’re super cool hoomans and I recommend you drop by their stream. Also! I made a story! It’s about a hornless unicorn and he goes on an adventure to try and get a horn. I used mechanical pencils with coloured lead to draw my illustrations. They weren’t the greatest to work with considering the lead broke easily. I’d probably use actual pencils for this next time.

July

Julycanthropy: Werewolves! On the high of making a story from Journey June, I thought it would be fun to do another one for Julycanthropy. I used black paper and white charcoal/white coloured pencil for this. White charcoal is more vibrant against the black but white coloured pencil doesn’t smudge. It was a fun challenge to think in reverse and only colour the highlights instead of the shadows.

August

Smaugust - This is probably my least favourite drawing challenge I did this year. I used pentel oil pastels which I liked well enough but I just don’t think dragons are my thing. Also, I wished my country sold oil pastels per piece. My white oil pastel is very very smol.

September

Sketchtember: Sketches all month long! I sketched out hoomans! I’ve always wanted to draw humans but I’ve always been somewhat intimidated. I’m not so sure why anymore, they’re fun! I’m a little bit addicted. I used graphite and this little pilot lead holder - very fun, highly recommend.

October

Inktober: Inks all month long! Does Inktober really need an intro? Made by jakeparker - it’s just all about practicing your inking skills for the month. I drew more humans for inktober - this time with pet familiars! I used faber castell ecco-pigment and I used this fancy bristol paper. This was amazing. A pair made in heaven. I think I’d like to use maybe a brush pen next time to cover up larger areas but all in all no regrets!

November

Huevember: Colours all month long! I used Stabilo Chalk Pastels on Pastel paper! I decided to do the greek gods and goddesses and zodiac women. I’m not sure pastels are my forte to be honest. They’re fun but I guess they’re just not my thing. I really like the pastel paper though. They’re a bit pricy so I shouldn’t really be so surprised at how well they held onto the chalk pastels. However, because the pastel paper I decided to use was multi-coloured it was really difficult to tell the colour gradient between each piece. Kinda ruins the Huevember effect - Still a fun learning experience over all though!

December

Drawcember: Free Draw! There’s no particular prompt list for this monthly challenge it’s just free draw - which is a lot harder is some ways so I decided to make my own list again. I was inspired by the theme of demons and angels. I thought because of the free draw nature of the challenge, to use mixed media. This was very difficult for me. I ended up just doing portions of ink and portions of paint separately but ideally I wanted a more happy marriage of the two. I definitely need more practice in mixing the different mediums. But on the flipside - I was definitely pleased I was painting again. I enjoy painting a lot. Though - skin tones - very difficult to get right. It wasn’t too bad when I was painting demon skin or angel skin - but human skin has a lot going on.  

General Thoughts

I honestly can’t believe I managed to do 365+ drawings throughout the whole year. It was both easier and harder than I thought it would be. You have good days and bad. I think for anyone planning to attempt this, take advantage of your good days - pop as much drawings as you can out and go easy on yourself during your bad days - you can always always catch up. Sometimes you just need a little break and that’s okay.

I learned a lot, made a lot of pals, and I’m definitely looking forward to next year.

Woo!

Best, E

[purghhappenings]

Do you have any headcanons for an alternate universe where Mihawk is Zoro's biological father?

*busts through wall* BOY DO I 

TBH its totally gotta be canon at this point i mean if it’s not, someone will have to pay me for every dead parent/child in one piece

Here’s some HC’s for you! I hope you like them!(sorry it took so long my phone was being dumb and I decided I wanted to write them on my laptop for you)

Mihawk has always been a single dad and when the kid showed up on his doorstep he only had a few questions

1) is this another one of red hair pranks?2) Is it mine?And last but not least(not really a question)3) Fuck.

He panicked when Shanks didn’t jump out immediately, because he just accepted the offer to be warlord of the sea how could he raise a fuckin kid. A kid with Green hair?! “He’s gotta be important” Shank’s had screamed which just made Mihawk scream and right now he was talking to Benn about childcare and why didn’t Mihawk let the fucking baboons eat it?!

“What are you gonna call him Hawky?” Shanks questioned as he stood over the little one’s crib.

“Definitely not after me, it’ll cause him issues later on”“Doesn’t help what you’re gonna call him. Oh! How about SJ, Shanks Jr-”“Roronoa Zoro.”“What?”“It’s a powerful name, from a character I read and I found him in November which is the eleventh mon-”“Nerd shit, got it Hawky.”

He was bad at first. Like really fucking bad. He uh, thought it would be a good idea to take the kid with him everywhere, which in turn means he showed up to a Shichibukai meeting with an infant strapped to his chest and Boa, life long friend(at this point a new friend) was like, what are you doing.“This is a kid who was left on my door and I unfortunately could not leave him there, so I am acting as his guardian.”“No I assumed that from the everything about how shitty you look but, why isn’t he wearing anything more than a diaper you’re sailing with him in the hot ass sun, what the fuck mihawk?!” and Mihawk honest to god thought it was okay to do something like this.

To be fair all Benn told him was “it’s like Shanks is naturally but it can’t talk yet” so Mihawk knew the basics, keep him fed, clean, safe, he can’t hold a sword properly but he’d be there soon, and well, that’s about it. The man was a master swordsman and couldn’t remember the specifics of his childhood.

With a shit ton little help from Boa, (her calling everyone she knew, he got a more extensive idea of child raising) After a few crash courses from none other than A marine by the name of Sengoku and Monkey D. Garp(mihawk prayed for those children) he became perfect

He took Zoro with him everywhere, and when they found a pink haired little girl at the ripe age of 4(zoro was still an infant) Mihawk said “Sure i guess this one too)

He took his two children everywhere and hell be damned if they ever came home with a scratch. No not after the first pirate crew that kidnapped both of them and they were just… Gone.

As Zoro and Perona got older Mihawk personally trained them( he was only in his 20′s when he found the little ones but damn those were his kids)

Zoro expressed interest in swords while Perona was more of a free spirit(haha get it, cause she uses ghosts???? I’m sorry)

But they were both trained on hand to hand combat, the world, anything mihawk could give and teach them was theirs. He taught them responsibility and honor and he was very much a doting parent when it came to Warlord meetings

“not only are they still alive, but Perona just went off to join her first crew” he threatens Moria sixty different ways from hell that if he gets his little girl hurt he’d had better hope he was already dead

Zoro still wants to kick his dad’s ass, but he really can admire the man who can fend most off in his sleep(he’s watched him do it and didn’t challenge mihawk for a full month out of fear for his own life)

When Zoro went off to join his crew Mihawk talked about it for days 

He also worried a bunch, especially when he saw the bounties just. keep. going. up

During the two year time skip Mihawk says “Zoro, do you remember your training when you were little?”

“Yeah, it was hell.”

“I am going to make you the strongest swordsman in the world, or at least throw you onto the path a little harder than before. Can you guess what this means?”

Perona: Bye Zoro, it was nice to have a little brother for a few years.

A father can worry about their child and still kinda want to let them know they’re weak and have a long way to go right? Mihawk thinks so

In an alternate AU Mihawk definitely teaches and trains his kiddos in krav maga along with other hardcore fighting styles and even though his BF Monkey D. Luffy is a crazy good fighter, god have mercy on the man, woman, or grandpa that decided to fuck with any of Zoro’s friends.(Or Peronas)

I said he went from Shit -> Perfect, and I meant it.

Mihawk was on top of school, emotional support, and discipline like it was a career! (His actual career is mob boss enforcer but we won’t go there) 

He is an honest to god lowkey mama bear like, he lets his kids fight his own battles and this is for the safety of the people around him. Shanks one time questioned Mihawk on a decision about Zoro and the rumor is Mihawk broke his arm in three different places before the end of the sentence was out(a rumor that was started among the ranks but it was effective at keeping people in line(shanks actually tripped from a prank Zoro and Perona were pulling and he was too proud to say that))

He’s lowkey because he has a permanent resting bitch face, Dr. Trafalgar has already pronounced it incurable, and when Perona and Zoro are excitedly talking about something his face doesn’t change to the natural human eye, but if you’ve been around him long enough he completely opens up and his small smile is like a shining beam of sunshine

He is always proud of his kids, but not like in the “THEY CAN DO NO WRONG” more of a, they always have a solid reason(or they better, he raised them that way!) and stand their ground, and that’s noble to him it really is, so while he doesn’t always agree with Zoro or Perona, like a needless fight, he knows if they’re honest to god fighting, there is a good reason that they feel they should stand by

He’s also raised them that if they fought and then learned the reason wasn’t that great to admit it to themselves and work on being better

Mihawk never hit any of his two kids and all he has to do is look at them and they behave not from fear but from respect and it’s terrifying to watch the man just command a room, also murder people and then just be a dad in the end like mihawk is a force

Mihawk was a big fan of self reflection as a person and he brought that into his parenting. He’s like “i get you thought it was a good idea to put gum in your sisters hair because she was being a ‘doo doo’ head but why was she being a ‘doo doo’ head”“Cause I kept antagonizing her” “so what do you think needs to be done about this?”And if either one had no clue, he’d tell them it was fine to not know but they should at least sit and think and try to figure it out, or if they needed help he’d help themor if they knew “I need to apologize”“if they don’t accept?”“it’s all i can do to rectify my actions” and man to see that parenting in action???(dont yall fucking wish?)

SO yeah he was a good single dad,

made all the appointments, games, recitals, plays, parties

He won’t admit to most he was shit at first, but he totes keeps updated pictures in his wallet of his two kids, and even has photo albums of stuff like “Perona’s first makeup” and “Zoros first recital” all of it. He has in his room. And after his two kids are moved out, he’ll just drink some really fancy wine, and look at the albums of his two surprise children and thank every star in the sky he was found by them

I hope you like these!!!! Dad!Mihawk makes me feel warm and fuzzy because while he’s a fucking monster to fight, I feel like his parenting skills are just on point because of how cool and collected he is, plus it’d be nice for more than three of them to have wonderful familes

Dont hesitate to ask me questions!!!! I was thinking about playing an ask game, so let me know if you think it’d be a good idea!!!!

Again, I can’t thank you enough for the ask, my heart has melted from Dad Mihawk( I self inserted Perona also being his kid so I hope that’s okay)

Thanks a bunch! Come talk to me ya’ll!!!

[clumsyclifford]

hello!! i am back and on desktop this time. the blog is just as pretty. alex + yellow = v v attractive jfc. this is a long one so buckle in.

to begin: i hope you have the most fun on your day road trip and sing your heart out to atl and taylor swift. i love driving long distances and idk just driving in general is fun. have the absolute best time MWAH

my birthday is in november!! november 23 to be specific. i share it with miley cyrus which is something i always found to be very cool when i was growing up and watching hannah montana. it also means i am a sagittarius and funny little fact i realized is that my best friend is a gemini. alex and jack are also a sagittarius and a gemini. from being 13 i know that tyler and josh from twenty one pilots are also a sagittarius and a gemini. something about sagittarius and gemini besties idk.

also yeah!! ao3 year in review!! it's a bit complicated to figure out at first and if you read a lot the finding pages thing can be pretty tedious, but it's def worth it once you figure it out. it gives you a lot of different stats about everything you read and it's pretty cool. now i am going to go look at your fics to remember my favs. you deserve the praise so i am willing to offer it. jeez you write a lot i respect the motivation sm. you write quite a bit of angst and i won't lie i try to stay away from angst so i haven't read your fics that seem super angst-y based on the tags. BUT there are still so many i recall reading and loving nonetheless. on a quick scroll-through: i usually don't read high school AUs but "paint me in trust (i'll be your best friend)" was super adorable and lovely. "thank god i'm yours" is one of my favs iirc. also i love love love "it's not always easy (but i'm here forever)" like yes please romanticize alex gaskarth i love it sm. "i won't be silent (and i won't let go)" and "i fell asleep in a city that doesn't" are both super fluffy and romantic and are favs of mine. in case you haven't picked up on it i adore very fluffy and romantic fics lmao. alright i am continuing to scroll and there are so many more i could list that i love but this section is getting quite long. just know if it's about a kitchen or hotel rooms being for lovers i probably read it and adored it and that pov is so valid.

waterparks!! will not lie i only really started listening to them about 6 months ago having been distantly aware of their existence for several years by being a fan of bands in the same genre. listen as long as you let yourself be vaguely annoyed by awsten is prevents you from being in love with him. follow him on any social media platform for like a day and you'll be sick of him typing in nothing but all caps within hours. simply do not romanticize him and you can keep yourself from falling!! so this is coming from a slightly fake parx fan, but some of my favs by them have been peach (lobotomy), crave, numb, fuzzy, violet!, you'd be paranoid too, and lowkey as hell. that is a very songs-from-their-most-recent-album-heavy rec, but whatever. i did give the disclaimer about being a fake parx fan.

yeah hayley does have 2 solo albums now!! petals for armor and flowers for vases / descansos. pfa is the one i didn't really like upon first listen but has grown on me. i haven't even listened to the second one in its entirety oops but we won't mention it. dead horse is good but simmer (pretty sure that was the other single??) just ain't it for me. the album has some lovely songs but it's just a hit or miss album all the way through. some favs of mine on it include pure love, taken, crystal clear, watch me while i bloom, and why we ever. it's sorta a storyline album about healing if that adds anything to it?? but anyways. i started listening to paramore around the time after laughter dropped and it grew to be one of my fav albums in existence. idle worship is probably one of my fav songs like ever. i def understand being slightly put off by bands with songs that make religious references (me with twenty one pilots' earlier music that makes a lot more religious references considering i'm not religious whatsoever) but i think i am blinded by being in love with hayley williams and just ignore it. idk that she's like super religious?? she's addressed believing in god and stuff a few times but she's def not the "rub it in your face" type and if she's making refs in music more recently then they're subtle enough i'm not noticing them. ik albums like brand new eyes had a lot more because it was shortly after that the band split and the songwriting process was essentially her and ex-bandmate co-songwriter arguing about their religious beliefs (turns out he ended up being super homophobic and transphobic all based on his religion so do with that what u will and thank the clown for leaving). i feel u on the "i meant to start listening to them" because that's essentially how i started listening to them. i told myself i was going to and then finally forced myself to do it. fuck falling for awsten knight what's more risky is falling in love with hayley </3

also yeah!! you've articulated my feelings towards tde. every song is so vastly different that it's hard to like it all. #1 fan is pretty decent though, and that's not just my bias about finding both ross and his gf hot and a cute couple and getting to see them together and ross half naked in a mirror in the video nope not at all. he's my fav himbo!! he has no personality!! no thoughts head empty!! i still love him and his strawberry-growing saga on twitter tho <3 the hazard of being in love with ross lynch since i was 12. girlfriend better be a fucking banger and there's quite a few already released singles in the tracklist so i have hope. i believe my show is in chicago on november 19 which is a thursday. kinda sucks since i intentionally bought the chicago tix nearly two years ago (the show was originally supposed to be april 25 2020. lol.) because the show was on a saturday and i have to drive 3 hours to get there. obviously i can't speak for them as tde but r5 shows always fucking slapped and i can vouch for them (realized i haven't seem them live since 2016?? 5 YEARS?? wtf) so if u genuinely like them. would recommend going to see them.

anyways. i have not listened to luke's solo album yet. i plan on it. this has gotten so long but i tried to respond in all areas and even organized it in different paragraphs this time (thanks being on desktop!!). hope you are well. hope you have a lovely day. hmm what's a little "going on in my life" fact. i got new glasses a few days ago and my eyes essentially said fuck off because adjusting to the new prescription has left me with eyes that hurt and occasionally slightly nauseous. here is to hoping my eyes get their shit together. mwah LOVE YOU TOO - the other bella/cubs anon/idk

okay hi hello. i have put this off because holy hell it's long but let's do it. i am putting a cut because this whole thing is long even without my answer

first: the road trip was super fun thank you!!! i am intrigued by this information regarding sags and geminis, we should do some scientific inquiry. enquiry. i don't know if there's a difference between those words.

aha! well i tried the ao3 year in review thing and i would say it had about 55% accuracy but still i agree it's fun to look back at that kind of stuff. and i feel you on the angst thing i go through phases of writing angst-heavy stuff and then writing very fluffy stuff and it is entirely based on my mental state buuuut i have lots of fluff and i'm glad you found it all and that you liked it yay <333 KITCHENS ARE FOR LOVERS i will die on that fuckin hill. hotel rooms as well but primarily kitchens.

dfgjhgdlfkhgdfmj honestly i dont use twitter enough that i would see his tweets enough that that would bother me also the fact that he tweets in all caps means that i just picture him yelling everything he tweets which i find absolutely hysterical so i don't think that would help. i have added these parx songs to my listen asap playlist and will get to them when i get a chance thank you i am excited also i already know lowkey as hell and it slaps super hard so im very much lookin forward to the rest of these. merci merci

YEAH simmer was the one i didnt vibe with. and honestly i feel zero compulsion to get into hayley williams as a solo artist. i just don't vibe enough to want to do that so i doubt i'll be listening to her anytime soon but maybe if i hear the songs in passing or get super bored one night, idk who can really say. but yeah christianity typically puts me off of music (speaking as a very jewish bitch) although there are notable exceptions in the cases of thomas rhett and the driver era. i'm just not attached to hayley enough to be like ehhh this doesnt matter. does that make sense

FAVORITE HIMBO PLEASE HGSDFGDFGKLFGJ i dont follow him on twitter but i have seen some interviews of ross and rocky and tbh they're great i love the way ross speaks like i like his speech mannerisms and i like his FACE and HAIR and. yeah. i think hes pretty. and i think he and 5sos SHOULD collab i think that would be sexy as hell. can you imagine that. oh my god can you imagine a ross lynch/luke hemmings collab. i'm not even really talking to you anymore bella because i know you haven't listened to luke yet and don't have a stake in it but if anyone else is reading this long ass answer. ross & luke collab. okay im going to move on and not think about that now. but i probably won't see tde unless i get a job this semester because i'm trying to stop spending so much money on big indulgent things like concerts likeee i was in a really good habit of not spending that much and then suddenly i got paid for one summer and i was just goin Crazy and i need to dial it back. plus i wanna see ajr and noah kahan equally bad so like. i have to make some calls about priorities here. it's Much to think about

good luck to your eyes i'm sure your new glasses are hella cute tho!!! LOVE YOUUUUUUU

[chatting-leaves]

Maggie (or “Don’t lose hope, someday you’ll need it!)

November 2002, Poughkeepsie, New York

For most people, the period of life immediately following high school is one of great exploration in life, a way to wade the waters of the so-called "real world" before launching fully into adulthood. For many, it is a chance to go away to continue their education away from home, getting a taste of life somewhat on their own while building friendships and memories that would last a lifetime. Others take the route of a trade or a skill, while some others end up realizing that college wasn't their calling and fall into the workforce if they were so able. Then there was myself, an odd person stuck between all of these places.

Mom, ever the fearful person prone to fall in line with what empirical evidence she was confronted with, wanted me to go to community college first to "see how I would do" before transferring to a four-year college. Her reasoning was heavily influenced by the fact that every friend of hers who sent a child away to college, had them withdraw by the end of their freshman year and she wasn't going to shield such a risk given the debts it might incur. While in hindsight I will say I gained quite a bit and the typical "I don't know what to do" degree of an Associates in Arts in Humanities, my social life wasn't there as I had erected walls around myself after some early incidents where unsettled conflicts from one high school still stood while me running away from my past at another shooed away potential rebuilt friendships. My life could be distilled to classes and the work study job I had two days a week doing Human Resources work at a nonprofit. 

One Friday night in November, I was killing time in a chat room for teenagers; while I was 20, I was only a couple of months removed from my teens and related a lot better downward. In the background, I notice a person we'll refer to "goaliegal" and I make a beeline knowing that there is a probable chance that they could be good people. As a child, I wanted to be a hockey goalie badly until I figured out that balancing on skates was just not my thing and to say I didn't have a crush on at least one field hockey goalie in high school was a lie. I give the standard "a/s/l" greeting of the day and get something promising: "19/f/NY". This person was in my state! Rather than pollute the room with an awkward first conversation, we ended up going into a conversation of direct messages, away from a room probably teeming with middle aged men posing as twentysomethings preying on thirteen year olds.

As we talked, I got a feel for who "goaliegal" was. She grew up in a rural town south of Rochester, an area that might as well have been on another planet for my borderline Downstate self as I had never been west of Utica. She was a freshman at Buffalo State but already was plotting her way out as she was feeling a bit homesick. In her spare time, she was a goalie on the club team there but was itching for ice time which was in short supply. She then sent a picture and I was immediately smitten: long red hair flowed down an oval face adorned with glasses as she was otherwise in full goalie gear. We then swapped names, I complimented that her name of Maggie fit her well even if it seemed a bit unconventional for a person taking slap shots at up to 100mph.

I should say that at this point, I was the epitome of romantic desperation. My most recent date, a pair of arranged meetings with the younger sister of a sobriety sponsee that Mom had, went nowhere and I had not had a date of any sort in three years let alone a kiss or any contact. Any sort of positive attention from anyone of the opposite gender was something I hopped on like white on rice. Soon enough, the conversations between Maggie and I began getting very detailed with myself having a somewhat unhealthy obsession over certain things such as what she was wearing. If I couldn't be there, at least I could sigh in what I was missing had we been in the same room, clearly heading towards a heated makeout session.

As 2002 came to a close, Maggie's life path was shifting as she was transferring from Buffalo State to a college in the Rochester area in order to be closer to home. As my time at community college was one semester from its end, I was looking at other schools in the state university system to transfer to and one caught my eye: Geneseo, located right outside Rochester. If I was accepted there, I would be relatively close to Maggie and what existed online could exist in real life. We both felt that we were the one for each other going into the new year, clearly fate would help accelerate things.

Three days into the new year, things came crashing down. While on a two and a half hour plane ride to visit Dad, something in Maggie snapped and when I went to check things once I got to Dad's house a sobering bit of news came up: Maggie had a boyfriend, a local boyfriend, someone who would actually be able to do things with her. My trip which would have been a respite from Mom and her ways instead became me marinating in my own self-pity, trying to find a means to move on now that The One faded away. Nevertheless, I persevered until several weeks later when Maggie came back out of the blue. Instantly I forgave her and soon put in my application for five different SUNY campuses: Geneseo (for her), Stony Brook (Mom's family was nearby), New Paltz (the nearest to home), Albany (close yet far enough), and Plattsburgh (practically Canada). I got into four of those five, the one rejection coming from the most obvious of these five. At least in Albany, my eventual choice, she'd be the shortest drive away?

As Spring sprung, Maggie entertained the idea of inviting me out to visit her for the Fourth of July, my being inserted in the typical family events of fireworks and fish fries enjoyed by herself, her siblings, her parents, and the other new arrival of her baby nephew. I was elated at the idea of being able to share a holiday with someone I had grown increasingly infatuated with who I would be able to share a wide assortment of experiences with. Right as I was about to book the train tickets from Poughkeepsie to Rochester, something happened and things once again were off. Lather, rinse, repeat. I still held out hope in her, that perhaps someday things could work out. Eventually she became a background person in my life though if she came back wanting to be with me and only me I would have pushed away any local person to be with her especially as my emotionally damaged self was unsuccessfully navigating the minefield of romantic relationships.

The next year, fate and circumstances started to push us back into each other's path. I was seemingly certain that this time, unlike all the others, things would work. Needless to say I was in for a rude awakening when out of the blue one November day she hit me with the news that she was dating an old friend who lived across the border in Canada, a fellow hockey player going to university over in St. Catherine's. To say I was devastated would be a massive understatement in itself as by that point I felt I had no other options. I was socially inept on that front, gaslit from the past actions of my parents, bitter, jealous, angry, and just at the point of sheer hopelessness. Maggie tried to assure me but I was having no point of anything at all. Over the next few years she'd drop in from time to time but in my mind the damage was already done. Why string me along that much and then do an about face?

Going through the cobwebs of some old zip files archiving the contents of former computers, I found some old logs from the dearly departed AOL Instant Messenger from the above period that made me cringe at the pathetic desperation that I embodied with Maggie and overall, however that state is for another day. I also discovered some awkward late 2000's chats from a period where she was regularly commuting transborder to visit her boyfriend while I had settled down in the Washington, DC area. Analyzing these over a decade later, I can see an air of unresolved frustration, deep down inside yearning for Maggie or at least the idealized concept of her my mind had built up. We'd drift in and out, I do remember her congratulating me for finally finding someone who I was compatible with when I began dating my now-wife in 2010 but after that point I felt that I could close the book on Maggie. I finally had someone, why would I need to have her around?

Three years later, I end up getting curious about certain people and end up running a search on Maggie. In the years since, she ended up moving across the border - having a Canadian parent and dual citizenship from birth helped - and had recently married the man she pushed me aside for all those years earlier. She also had little social media presence, no publicly findable Facebook, no Twitter, nothing I could send a request on outside of all things Pinterest. Naturally, wanting to make a lowkey reintroduction into her life, I shot her a friend request on Pinterest. Within an hour, I got a request on AOL Instant Messenger from one of Maggie's old screen names. I accept only to find her complaining at how dare I track her down on Pinterest of all places and for the who-knows time to leave her alone.

This is probably the only time in recorded human history in which AIM was used in regards to Pinterest, two mediums at different eras of the internet interacting with one another. I moved on and did all I could to forget her, for once I thought I had really moved on.

By 2017, I had moved on, a difficult task for me to undertake especially for someone who never gives up on anybody when lo and behold one afternoon I find a request in my New Message Requests folder on Facebook Messenger. It was Maggie, the previously unfindable Maggie, apologizing for her past actions. Being a pushover, I accept and save some fits and starts we've spoken ever since. Soon enough, I realized that years of marriage behind me that in some ways, we wouldn't have meshed that well as a couple, my naiveness and desperation would've eaten me whole had I done so. Save for some fits and starts, it's gone relatively well and Maggie is the sort of person I know who will usually reach out by default, a stark change from years ago. This would be the end of the story, only it isn't.

July 2019, Scarborough, Ontario

My wife and I had been planning a trip up to Toronto for years and soon as our new passports came in I was given a litany of ideas from Maggie of what we should do during our trip there, scheduled coming out of Canada Day while enveloping Independence Day in the United States while also straddling a baseball series between the Blue Jays and Red Sox. Originally, we were to meet Maggie before a game one of those nights, then that got jostled around. She invited us to the museum she supervised volunteers at the time, that would've been too much of a headache. Then an idea came up: the zoo.

For those not familiar with Toronto, the Toronto Zoo is as far east in Toronto as you can get. It's halfway to the farther out suburb where Maggie and her husband made their home. As our trip there was via several modes of transit and Maggie was headed into Toronto anyway, she volunteered to pick us up. Only issue: my wife didn't know the circumstances of how I knew Maggie.

Our trip came as Toronto was under a heat wave, the humidity quite oppressive with the ever-Canadian Humidex pushing 40 degrees Celsius. Trekking through the zoo left us exhausted, worn, and all-around tired, the heat taking a toll on our bodies. Waiting in the little zoo cafe, I got the question I was waiting for my wife to ask.

"So, how do you know this 'friend'? Is she some old girlfriend?," she sarcastically tailed off. It had become a bit of a running joke between us that anyone I listened to in the past was automatically a "girlfriend", a sign of my desperate nature then mixed with my ability to listen that never will leave. I then spilled the beans, finishing right in time to see a black pickup truck make it to a dropoff area. After sixteen years, what 20 year old me wanted was finally happening at age 36.

Maggie and I hugged instantly and it felt all worthwhile. Had I not fallen head over heels with her as a desperate younger me, she would've been the great female friend I really needed, the close-in-age sister I wanted to a degree, yet I blew it. As we worked our way into Toronto on local roads, dodging the mess of Highway 401, Maggie quizzed my wife about who she was, what she did, how dealing with me in person on a day to day basis went. Somewhere underneath the scaffolding holding Toronto's aging Gardiner Expressway up, I realized something: Maggie and my wife are largely one and the same. Similar personalities peppered with heavy sarcasm poking out of introversion, same height, same attitudes, similar likes and dislikes. Perhaps awkward younger me had gotten the happy ending they sought. Even how Maggie spoke of her husband made me realize that he and I had a lot more in common than I had thought, especially given how much more put together he came off to my hurt mind a decade and a half earlier. 

While our time together was short, less an attempt to meet for dessert after said baseball game when both of us were tired and achy, it was one of the best memories I had that year. My only regret is not getting a picture of us three, a reminder to be brought up for the rest of my life that sometimes hopes and dreams do come true!

[celestialarcade]

reviewing this list now that it’s january 1st 2021 !

under a readmore bc its long and no one rly cares lmao

in order:

-LMAO nope shoutout to coronavirus for cancelling all my 2020 travel plans (like i’m obviously very thankful no one i’m close to has gotten coronavirus though and i’d much rather spend a year or two not travelling than someone get the virus)

-ahh kinda? my summer co-op wasn’t that great, my fall co-op was good ! both of them were at a company within driving distance of my mom’s house so i was living at home for. 8.5 months 🙃 which has made me slightly crazy lmao but i saved sm money not having to pay rent somewhere so it was worth it i think

-uhh well i only really had 2 months of in person class in 2020 between coronavirus and my co-ops so idk i didn’t really make friends in terms of classes but i’ve been actively trying to meet people online and i’ve joined discord servers and stuff and also finally worked up the courage to start using dating apps lmao so i’ve met some people through there and also i met eva through tumblr ! which is a bit wild bc i think we started talking like a week before the pandemic really kinda exploded in march but i’m so happy she and i are friends now !! like she’s definitely the closest friend i made in 2020

-no he didn’t get into his dream school but he did get into a bunch of good schools and i think he really likes where he’s going to college now and him and i talk about sustainable engineering a lot since thats what both of us want to do our master’s degrees in so i’m happy for him 😊

-yes and no? she had hip replacement surgery and it was really successful so she’s able to get around mostly without a walker now but i think mentally she still feels like she can’t do a lot which like makes her sad but all the family zoom meetings we’ve had this year have cheered her up a lot also she’s 82 and like idk is so fucking strong

-yes !! i was kinda late on this one lmao but i’ve been journaling consistently since early november !!

- yes ! i’ve been kind of on and off with working out this whole year but my mom getting a treadmill at the beginning of december like for whatever reason made it so much easier for me to consistently work out so now i run 2 miles on it 5-6 times a week

- yeah ! i started seeing a new therapist in june and i really like her, i’ve been up and down with therapy since like 2018 but hopefully this will be good

- nah, i was on a few different medications at the beginning of the year but none of them really worked out for me but i’m still hopeful i’ll find something that works!

- no but only because i misunderstood when i’m supposed to apply for it lmao, turns out i’m only allowed to apply for it this spring semester which i will definitely be doing and i rly hope i get in 🤞🏾

- yes and no? again it’s been on and off throughout the year but i think overall i played a lot more in 2020 than in 2019

- i’m working on it ! turns out i had a lot more makeup than i thought and also especially with staying at home sm this year because of covid i also wore a lot less makeup than i normally do, but everything i’ve haad to replace i’m obviously replacing with vegan and cruelty free products of which i have a lot more in my collection now!

- YES !!! i got my driver’s license on valentine’s day lmao i was so excited and like i’m not the best driver ever but i’m okay to drive on local roads for the most part (learning to drive on the highway is the next goal lmao)

- yeah lmao i think i got over this one very quickly once i turned 20 although lowkey highkey i’m still afraid of the passage of time 😬

- idk really what i meant by this but i think overall i had a relatively good year considering the circumstances and i’m hopeful for what 2021 brings ! 🥰

okey doke so i skipped doing this for 2019 but i wanna keep it going for 2020 so

2020 goals/hopes (i'm just gonna combine both into one list this year):

-going to croatia and/or india

-getting a good co-op that i like

-actively trying to make friends in my classes/at college in general

-my younger cousin getting to go to his dream school

-my grandma continuing to improve and be happy

-trying to journal more (lol this has been my goal for like 10 years but)

-trying to work out at least semi regularly like 2x a week-ish

-finding a therapist that works for me and getting back into therapy

-maybe finally getting things under control medication wise??

-applying for (and hopefully getting into!!) the dual degree program

-picking up guitar again

-getting rid of all the last few bits of nonvegan makeup/skincare/etc. that i have

-finally getting my fucking drivers license

-accepting the fact that i will no longer be a teenager anymore

-idk just like. generally being better and doing better than i did this year

shit idk a whole new decade man. i hope its good