#<- honestly same prev
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do u ever think about how the original series started airing before the decriminalisation of homosexuality in the UK and the reboot movies were being made during the legalising of same-sex marriage in the UK. and yet tos spock is undisputedly more canonically gay than aos spock. because i think about it a lot.
and even now. spock. is. still. not. gay.
"this simple feeling" he said that in 1979!!!
but 50 years later they still can't say the word love
#from the drafts#but relevant to my prev posts#fuck paramount honestly as long as they're still catering to That audience#the same one that probably stopped watching when two vaguely male pixels kissed in the background of a scene for one second#(technically didn't air in the uk until after but still)#guys i got the year wrong reblog the right version or they're going to crucify me
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Oh my god I hit tag limit on that one I am so sorry. 🧍
BUT LIKE. HONESTLY. I AM. AUTISTIC ABOUT THE ART PROCESS ITSELF. ABOUT SHAPE LANGUAGE AMD COLOR LANGUAGE AND HOW A DESIGN IS LIKE. A Strong character design with a clear intention behind it should not just Look Cool (though that is an added bonus!!!) it should tell a story in and of itself!!!!!!!! That, even at a glance, you can get a feel for who this character is, what their personality is, what role they play and/or are forced into, AND ALSO!!!
Something I'm esp autistic about tbh as someone who has an interest in fashion/crafting/sewing as well, how the clothes Work With the character. In a few different ways: again, the clothes themselves tell a story! The costuming! But also! How does the character move in them? What does that Say about that character? Where are they from? Not to mention the shape language/colors come back again, now w alllll the fucked up shit you can do with fabric!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fluffy? Not just in the fur sense (eg, a petticoat with bouncy puffy frills)? Could be a really bubbly character!!! Flowy? Graceful? Could be someone who's mature, knowledgeable, wise. A female character who opts to wear shorts instead of a skirt? Could be sporty! Or practical! And also in general Big Clothes/accessories can make a character look imposing.
LIKE...... reading this over it is so basics character design 101 but like. I am ALWAYS frothing at the mouth about it 😅
#SOME DESIGNS I LIKE. w the example i kinda touched on.#sharena and edelgard both falling into shorts wearer category (academy arc el specifically)#lissa falling into big round frilly dress category (WITH! A SHARPNESS! having the hoop skirt cage exposed)#while maribelle a HIGH FEMME chara wears pants. VERY NEAT juxtaposition there (esp w lissa being more#'tomboyish' if you want to define her that way w her proclivity for frog catching and prank pulling LMFAO)#still! interesting how she's not a Tomboy tomboy in the way you'd generally expect (like hinoka for example)#ALSO. I'VE MENTIONED IT BEFORE. BUT CELINE'S DESIGN DRIVES ME SICKO CRAZY (GOOD WAY)#LIKE. it tells you SO MUCH WHILE subverting your expectations!!!!!!!!! AT THE SAME TIME!!!!!!!!#and honestly the deeper i think about it the deeper it goes. she had to force herself to grow up fast.#she USED to be a crybaby. now she's a lot more shrewd and practical. BUT SHE'S STILL SILLY.. still playful at times...#she's split between being 'mature for her age' and acting exactly her age. and her design REALLY drives this home#AUGH.......#i feel like i've picked/thought only femme presenting examples but i do think it's a little easier to parse out LMFAOOO#at least with my areas of experience! (someone who prev presented VERY femme in girlmode into femme transman fag style now)
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Huh
#ramblings#this is a tag on prev post btw#i looked at their blog bc i was confused as to why would they leave that tag#and it looks like they think ai has feelings or will have feelings or something?#do they know. do they know ai as we know it today isn't actually ai#it's not even intelligent......#it's just text/image generators. girl they don't have thoughts or feelings#i think if there were any real ai that could actually think and feel on the same level as us#they'd be pretty offended that we call algorithmic text/image generators ai. bc again not even intelligent#but i digress. i don't think this person knows what the ai we have today actually is lmao#and i'm not gonna argue honestly bc this is pretty funny#i am gonna block them bc they basically have 'not all cops are bad' in their pinned. love and light <3
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foudn a way to draw refs without slammig my head into the wall okay okay so I'll draw their bust with their exact headshape, makrings, antenna, and other misc details that'll show there and then do a simple cleaned up doodle for the fit becaue anatomy hard and simple guys silly.
problem is now I want to do this for the others including sos, ui, and gw/cw so uh idk. If I do reblog the shipping chart with just pebs and suns you'll have to prommy that you wont boost it too much cause I gonna repost it with the others when they're done. fo now it's bed time so nigh night :DDDDD
#love how I went from simple to complex to back to simple for their fits#well suns is still the same just with less markings on their clothes#peb's has changed a lot but still shares elements of his prev#moon is obvi gonna match her lil bro but still be a little diff#and sig honestly looks great as is I'm prolly just gona simplify it a bit more and like reduce his bow length#sos will prolly also stay the same because prebby#and I still gotta give the other two actual designs i've been putting that aside#anywash eep time honk mimimimimimi himk mmimimimi
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idk. picky eater rights. im coming to your events and turning my picky bitch nose up at your fancy ass desserts you spent a bajillion hours working over in the kitchen and asking if i can find like a basic ass brownie with no extra flairs or ingredients or steps or whatever the fuck. cry about it. stop trying to feed me
#toy txt post#they gotta have some picky eater bitches be the judges on those food competition shows i stg#sorry for committing the unforgivable sin of my tastebuds didnt enjoy the food you made. it was intended as a personal slight actually#i am trying to offend you for real. yeah. thats definitely whats happening. god/sssss#like god irl if i dont like food you made ill try to be fuckin gracious about it buf dont fucking get mad at me for like. idk. prepping my#own foods you percieve as worth less or whatever the fuck. ppl are so fucking weird about food.#honestly guy on prev post didnt even dislike the cake it sounded like but was just experiencing the human emotion of disappointment#when the little specific joy he was looking forward too was not what he expected. if she had asked him 'do you mind if i make a similar cake#that is not the exact same as the one you asked for? maybe he wouldve been fine cos he wouldnt have been looking forward to that specific#thing. OR maybe he wouldve said if youre not going to make this very specific one im looking forward to then dont bother i dont want you#wasting the time and effort and then she wouldnt have been mad. or maybe she wouldve. ppl do get weird about that kind of thing#maybe saying that wouldve been a crime too. guess that dumb asshole shouldve shut up and eaten his stupid cake and enjoyed it and said#nothing. a recipe for happiness#anyway. hot take ig stop putting nuts in desserts. alllergy havers will prolly thank you but you know who else will thank you?#every day i see takes about food that make me think i really should be more of a picky bitch eater on maim to knock yall pretentious#food fuckers down a peg tbh. every day i resist the urge but god how yall test me. let me be the judge on a cooking show.#weird assholes who are rude abt ppl having allergies or sensory issues: come here. im going to break you#anyway more of us picky bitches who are picky just for like. casual reasons. we should he loud picky bitches on main. if a cook or baker or#whatever can accommodate my picky bitch ass thats difficult to feed for no reason we can be sure they can accommodate allergy havers#and ppl w medical restricted diets. if they can be gracious about me just not vibing w the food then they can def be gracious about more#sensitive reasons. yea i could choke down the food i dont like probably. it wouldnt make me throw up or send me to the hospital. but why#should i? if youre an asshole to me about simply not liking your shit then why the hell would i feel safe disclosing medical info to your#bitch ass? why would i trust you to follow it? and not try to sneak some shit in bc you think you know better about food?#anyway#picky eater rights. let ppl be picky for no apparent reason. cos the ppl who have uwu Good Valid Reasons(tm) dont fucking owe you that#explanation
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apple health motif saying ‘ur activity changed over past 5 days’ like yea NO SHIT glad u NOTICED - but i’m looking at it now & im truly realizing how far apart my classes are now considering i would average like 7k steps everyday 😭😭
#stream#like 😭😭😭 bro that’s so much more than i thought ?#like i knew i was only getting like 4k last semester & it’s like yea#i literally walked to 1 building then across the street & now i’ve had to walk to 1 building haul ass ANOTHER building & up 3 flights of#stairs - which honestly ok even after the building change it still was 3 flights of stairs - then to just walk to my car or twiddle my thumb#but then i’d walk BACK to THAT building & now i’m at ANOTHER building but truthfully it’s like the same distance#& then on my odd days (prev r even iykykiydyd) it’s to the 3 flights building direct but that’s changed to the building next door and#still the same height though technically 1 flight that’s long lol#then to HAUL ASS across campus AGAIN and then to mosey my way back to my car#bc i will 100% get lost like i can’t be in a spherical shaped building i need corners or i will die#like the business school is so fuckign stupid shaped & they’ve so many colors it looks like a middle school 😭😭#like the liberal arts buildings are all the muted beige and khaki paired w age it’s very liminal#& i adore them - i mean everyone hates them bc it’s pathetic#but they also just cut funding to liberal arts ALSKALSKALKSALKSLAKALA#while giving the president a 100k pay raise#to 900k$/year & i want to strangle her
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The worse she is and the better she is the hotter she is.
I wish we had more female characters like Eleanor Shellstrop. One of the most unlikable people you've ever met. Read a Buzzfeed article on most rude things you can do on a daily basis and decided to use that as a list of goals. Makes everyone's day worse just by being there. Dropped a margarita mix on the ground and tried to pick it up, only to get hit by a row of shopping carts which pushed her into the road where she was hit by a boner pill delivery truck, killing her instantly. Cannot keep a romantic partner despite being bisexual. Had a terrible childhood but will die before she gets therapy. Best employee at a scam company. Just the worst but also can't help but root for her to improve.
Absolute loser. Girl-failure. Bad at almost everything. Literally perfect female character.
#eleanor shellstrop#you know i was thinking about how we hold female characters to such high standards#and severely criticize bitchy female characters while praising asshole male characters#and then i remembered eleanor and realized that she is the perfect example of how to write an asshole woman that the audience likes#the worse she is the more i'm drawn to her (and honestly same for tahani)#we need more cringe-fail women who nobody likes (for good reason)#<-- prev
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Will Wukong have a huge panic™ because he thinks MK will never see him the same ever again?
Someone asked for hand holding so I gotta give you the most fluffiest elements in the most angstier of contexts.
Shadowpeach Bio Parent AU (PREV / FIRST / NEXT )
Personal comments under the cut (mentions of past self harm)
Around 3 years ago I had some anxiety issues, one of the main things that I thought it wasn't self harm for so long was the fact that when something that involved other people went wrong because of a choice of mine (even just minor inconveniences) the pain of guilt was so strong that to turn it down I had to physically sting my skin with my nails. (I play guitar, so I always have a hand with longer nails to play arpeggio). Never it went to the point that it would bleed, but bc of that I thought It was no problem. Thanks to my therapist I know that just because it wasn't the "typical" self harm doesn't mean it wasn't a serious issue.
All of this to say that I might be projecting a little. And honestly I can't even imagine how terrible Wukong might feel everytime the guilt comes back to him...
#tw self h4rm#tw self harm#trigger warning self harm#my art#kyri45#comic#lmk#lego monkie kid#lmk fanart#lego monkie kid fanart#lmk season 5#lmk shadowpeach#lmk monkey king#lmk sun wukong#lmk macaque#shadowpeach#shadowpeach bio parents au#lmk six eared macaque#liu er mihou#lmk mk#lmk qi xiaotian#monkey mk#monkey qi xiaotian#lmk pigsy#freenoodle#lmk freenoodles#lmk tang#self harm#self h@rm#self h4rm
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(sees my own post on my dash) eeeeey 😎
heyy bud what canni say. you got good stuff in that brain and also big heart a' yours.
good for me that i snagged mutualship w u b4 u grew bigger huh?
n hey - always glad to give ye that sunglasses smirk coded confidence
#anything else ye need just come by#lux is fun y'all. go grab a peep#was considering make a shitty meme edit that was like 'my blog look like this 'post referenced' so they can look like this 'eeeeey 😎'#but it was too shitty cause what were the implications? that i wouldn't rb it? (whatever actual post it was lol i rb 2much couldn't find)#joke lost to dunes of time 😔#and the dunes of hazards of eating 2 many yummy things that r bad for my stummy n stayin upp all night chitin - n so none nrj left now 🙂#i hope this emoji in the prev tag has the same vibe for other people's mojes because specif this one is like a lil fucked w it.#like :) and enhanced black void eyes and a creeper empty smile. yaha.#when you got wet socket eyes and a visible mental illness history plain in ur smile type of face.#the type of guy (gn) to be sopping wet pet of the tumblr blorbo grind. yeah#anyway gotta go wash the remnant of cheese residue off my face now. bbye#oh yeah I should prob uhhh remember what my ask tags are. uh#.. idrk what the fuck they are. honestly ;;#yalls following me's and other lil asker-ppl's skill issues- cause You gotta up Your send ask-ing-Krockat game. obv no fault of mine own 🤏
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I have bad news about your 30s
Your 20s are for lusting after furniture you can’t afford actually
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'wow the vibes are rancid in here today!' i say, referring to the inside of my own brain
#live asto reaction#im like... actually brunt out i think like i said it kinda as a joke in my prev posts but somethings not right#like i rarely have all 3 tanks like art motivation/good art ideas/actually good drawings i have left in me run empty on me like this#i mean the drawing at every free opportunity i got for a month certainly didnt help but im pretty sure its more.. external than internal#for whatever its worth. like i just have like a million and one things i need to settle for like. school n shit#im....... far too involved frankly in my faculty's freshman orientation camp and its absolutely kicking my ass#its honestly not that much work im just super not good at it#AND ALSO would probably help to kinda. log off for a bit#eugh#its not all bad. ive got lots of make stuff with your hands hobbies i can fall back on. kinda#its just frustrating to be like the art guy and not be able to make art during the few points in the year i actually have time to do that#my semesters starting REALLY soon and it is. looming large in my brain#not that i hate school exactly i just... cannot draw and do a computer science major at the same time. its just not happening#idk my life is pretty.. horribly boring outside of this one hobby im somewhat decent at which is. frustrating!#ive only very recently started making my way up the dunning kruger curve so its kinda like. can you please just let me have this one thing#asto speaks#might be doing more oc stuff since thats ive found that thats the least... energy intensive? for me to draw but idk#i dont like posting my oc stuff cuz a. theyre always extremely wip b. i am so. absolutely horrendous at character design
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Mammon waking you up by going down on you (with prev consent ofc) or you waking Mammon up with a BJ >_<
Nsfw!
Honestly thought this posted already- cuz it was supposed to be in queue for Mams birthday jsksjsk
I feel like that would happen all the time after you start dating Mammon! I mean he just can’t get enough of you and it is a rather nice way to wake up~
And really some mornings he gets so needy and you look so sweet laying there next to him that he just can’t keep his hands or lips off of you.
At first Mammon was just planning to kiss you, a few kisses down your neck and chest wouldn’t hurt right?- then he starts going lower, moving your clothes out of the way so he can keep kissing your skin, down across your chest and tummy and somehow he ends up between your legs… oops~
You wake up slowly, your mind groggy with sleep and pleasure as your eyes open and all you can see of your boyfriend is a lump under the covers. But as soon as you wake up and start grinding your hips to meet his face a little harder Mammon grabs your hips to pin you back down. At the same time he lifts his head to look up at you, which makes the covers fall back a bit so you can see his face, (his hair is an absolute mess too but that’s not super important :D) a crooked little smirk on Mammon’s face as he sits up enough to press a few more soft and wet kiss across your tummy. Mumbling out “Mornin’ darlin’.” against your skin before he goes right back to what he was doing- making you cum on his face-
He thinks its cute how you try to prop yourself up a bit on your elbows to look down at him and enjoy the show, chuckling to himself as he sucks on your clit just right, that it has your head rolling back and you have to plop right back down onto the pillows because it felt that good. After all he knows all your sweet spots.
Neither of you talk much but Mammon would praise you for being so good and cummin’ for him, ya should let him take care of ya more often~
Sooo of course it’s only right that you ‘repay him’ wake him up head the next morning.
Again not hard Mammon almost always has ‘morning wood’ when you sleep in the same bed.
While you’re under the covers tease his tip a bit -trust me- before taking his cock all the way into your mouth.
As soon as you start Mammon’s awake and you can hear all his breathlessly, little moans of “Yea~” and “Oh fuck, yes darlin’, just like that” I’m telling you he can’t keep his mouth shut- “S-shit- Don’t stop fuck.” and even more, “Please- Yea, like that, faster.”
There is a special something -not quite tenderness but that’s the closest word you can think of- to Mammon in these moments. Even as you have his cock in your mouth, even as he groans under his breath and his legs tense. Even as he grabs a handful of your hair and gently pushes you down a little bit to see if you can take him even further down your throat, he’s not trying to be mean but he loves it when you gag on him. Making him moan even louder “Shit- So fuckin’ g-good treasure.” as he cums down your throat.
Maybe it’s the way he smooths over your hair as you swallow his cum. Or maybe it’s the way he starts to pull you up to lay your head on his chest and wraps his arms around you as tightly as he can immediately after. It’s all done with care, as if you’re the most precious thing in his room. And of course to him you are.
(Although if you wanna tease Mammon a little more instead- sit up before he can pull you up and let the covers pool around you as you make a show of licking the last few drops of his cum off your lips ;))
#sorry about the wait nonnie!!!#might be the only thing I post tonight#and it’s only getting posted cuz it’s a done draft ‘n ya girl needs some sleeeeep (while I can get it jsksjsk)#mwah <3#as always plz ignore any typos or mistakes (I think I fixed them! but I’ll check again in the morning.)#1 am thots~#obey me!#obey me smut#obey me x reader#obey me mammon#obey me mammon smut#obey me mammon x reader#obey me#smut#x reader#mammon x reader#mammon smut
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So What Now?
: Part 12 (Lando's Version)
: Who said navigating through your feelings was gonna be easy?
: Prev | Next
: Series Masterlist
: Main Masterlist
…
Chuckling at Kika's message, Y/n set her phone down on the nightstand and lay back on the bed.
She let out a deep sigh, convincing herself that maybe it was for the best. Closing her eyes, she tried to push away the lingering disappointment she felt. Just as she was about to drift off, the doorbell rang.
Opening her eyes, she looked at the clock. 11:45 PM. Frowning, Y/n made her way towards the door, annoyed at whoever thought it was a good idea to disturb her so late in the night.
Angrily, she swung the door open, only to find herself face-to-face with him.
"Lando!" Y/n exclaimed, surprise evident in her voice.
There stood Lando, still wearing the same clothes from earlier that night. His hair was even messier than she remembered. It looked as if he had run his fingers through it multiple times.
"Hi," He said, a little out of breath.
"What are you doing here?" Y/n asked.
"Umm," The Lando in front of her now was completely different from the one she was used to. The usual confidence in his eyes was gone, along with the familiar smirk on his lips. This Lando avoided eye contact and was constantly fidgeting with his fingers.
"Did you forget something?" Y/n asked, opening the door a little further.
Looking up at her, Lando swallowed hard. He could feel his pulse quicken. It's now or never!
"Yes," He said with a shaky voice.
Y/n tilted her head, urging Lando to continue.
"This," He said as he stepped forward and captured her lips in a heated kiss.
For a second, Y/n was too stunned to do anything. As soon as the reality of what was happening hit her, she kissed him back. She felt his hands cup her cheeks, his thumb slowly caressing her cheekbone as he pulled away.
"What was that?" Y/n asked, her voice almost a whisper.
"I didn't want the night to end before I had the chance to do this." Lando confessed, looking into her eyes. "I should have done this earlier," Lando admitted, regretting not doing so before.
Smiling softly at him, Y/n asked, "Then why didn't you?"
"Honestly? I don't know," Lando said sheepishly as he looked back at her.
"So now what?" Y/n asked as she looked back at him.
…
Tags: @regalbanshee | @be-your-coffee-pot | @mrsbrxkkxr | @princessria127 | @moonraysandstars | @prettiest-at-the-party | @theblueblub | @magixpracticality | @slytherinholland | @overlyexcitedoutlaw | @marvel-at-stucky | @crumbssss | @a-beaverhausen | @felicityforyou | @gigigreens | @jas0nluvr | @khaylin27 | @imsiriuslyreal | @cwiphswmwasohmm | @wobblymug | @e-nonsense | @raizelchrysanderoctavius | @papaya-twinks | @vintagefucksstuff | @st4rg1rln | @redstappen | @iamred-iamyellow | @tashisgf | @ghost-of-student-sufferings | @saachiep81 | @lozzamez3 | @ravisinghs-wife | @elizamoe133 | @anthonylockwoodandco111 | @formulaal | @luvsforme | @annabellelee | @a-disturbing-self-reflection | @emryb | @grovelingmen | @illicit-affcirs | @iwilleatyourgod | @youre-on-your-ownkid | @originaldreamerdragon | @landorris | @mountvesuvu | @chezmardybum | @littlegrapejuice | @spitesfvl-blog | @juleshadalittlelamb | @vicurious28 | @niyu2208 |
#f1#formula 1#f1 x reader#formula one x reader#formula 1 x reader#f1 fanfic#f1 smau#formula one imagine#formula 1 imagine#formula 1 fanfic#formula one#f1 imagine#f1 uni series#f1 fic#lando norris x reader#lando norris smau#lando norris fanfic#lando norris imagine#lando x reader#lando norris#ln4 fluff#ln4 imagine#ln4 fic#ln4#ln4 x reader#writing#writers on tumblr
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I read these tags and considered whether or not to reblog them, but they’re eye opening for how this problem affects the internet, and how the internet in return affects life.
#Prev tags#sorry if I’m reblogging your stuff too much I think we’re just on at the same time#But honestly yeah this is so real#Posting art online is ripping your heart out and submitting it for peer review by people who couldn’t imagine a modicum of the effort put i
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Gym Rat Miguel Part 15
content warning: more angst, mentions of food, mentions of underage drinking and recreational drug use, some suggestive convos but nothing too crazy
word count: 6.4k (@slushycoookie thee wife, thee beta 🩵)
Prev | Next ✩°。 ⋆⸜ 🎧✮ Masterlist
“Does it show anything different?”
“Will you give me a second?”
GymRat!Miguel who was currently sitting at his desk, bouncing his leg while he waited for Tempest to tell him something good.
“It’s honestly looking like the same thing from last night. And the week before. And the week before that,” she deadpans through the phone.
Miguel turned and pressed his lips to his palm.
His call list was a constant cycle between his friends back home and Gabriel, but mostly Tempest, who has taken the role of checking for any updates from you online.
So far, all he’s gotten out of this was pain. You’ve completely removed anything that involved him from your pages. No anniversary pics, no highlights, no emojis in your bio to refer to him. From how Tempest put it, this was a huge deal.
“Look,” Miguel slumped as he geared himself up to listen to the same speech she’d been repeating. “I know you don’t want to hear this- don’t make that face! - but I think it’s time to give up or try something new.”
“It’s been forever.”
“If your definition of forever is a little over two weeks, then sure!”
“I just thought that,” he paused, mulling over the words in his head.
“That she would bend at your will? You’re cute, but not that cute.”
“No, that’s not- Temp,” Miguel whined. “You know that’s not what I meant.”
She snorted, “Uh huh. Which is why we’re stalking her page like weirdos.”
“If the roles were flipped, I would be doing the same for you. I have done the same for you.”
“Touché.”
Miguel remembered Tempest spiraling over girls she thought was the one, the two of them huddled up over the phone watching as they all moved onto the next.
He sat beside her and reminded himself never to get this way. He perked up like a flower soaking up the sun every time there was an inch of hope, which truly rivaled how Tempest acted.
“I was just thinking that today would be different. Maybe she would think about me today.”
The thought sits in the air, Tempest’s face shifting to one of sad understanding.
“Not trying to feed your delusions, but maybe she hasn’t stopped thinking about you.”
Miguel looked at the screen, a tiny bit optimistic.
“But in all fairness, I wouldn’t want anyone on my page who I thought committed one of the most cruel offenses. I would want to forget everything. You have to see this from her side too.”
Tempest was right, a common state when it came to their friendship. It didn’t stop that ugly rust of selfishness that crowded his heart.
He feels like he’s crying out for you, and you don’t care. A year of being together meant nothing to you.
Saying that out loud was insane, though. It didn’t align with how hurt you looked.
So, he’s been internally fighting the feeling, going from understanding to upset and back again.
“Have you talked to Xina at all?”
“She’s only keeping our conversations about school. And acting like nothing happened.”
“She’s probably embarrassed,” Tempest said. “She got caught this time and doesn’t know what to do.”
“Apologizing could be a start.”
“And that requires admitting she was wrong in the first place, so if you get that, let me know so I can mark the day. I’ll even make a t-shirt.”
The sigh that left Miguel was strong enough to irritate Tempest’s speakers.
He wanted to talk to her about the situation again, but it was like talking with a brick wall. It reminded him of when he snapped at her for constantly hitting him when they were younger. Looking back, they were just kids, and she probably didn’t mean anything by it. The red tint and angry pout on her face as she slid him her chocolate milk as an apology stuck with him.
“Why do you want an apology anyway? Or, why do you expect one?”
Miguel wasn’t sure himself. Xina was his childhood best friend, someone with whom he spent a lot of time and shared secrets. There were sweet memories and joyful moments.
It sucks to see her act so different.
“I think,” Miguel paused, looking off through his dorm window. “I think that-”
“Oh my god, she just posted.”
Miguel almost dropped his phone while he switched back to the messages app.
“What is it? What is it?”
“It is,” she dragged out her i’s. The sound of Tempest screenshotting and tapping away at her phone was like rapid fire. “An event, I think?”
“What event? You aren’t sending the pictures fast enough.”
“I already pressed send! Not my fault I don’t have high-speed internet.”
“Tell your cousin to stop fucking hogging it.”
“Shut up and watch the screen.”
His eyes dart across the screen as he waits for the screenshare to load.
Your account comes up, still intact. Miguel takes in everything like he did back when he first met you.
There were new posts about the sculptures you made in class and food from a new café. There’s also a glimpse of you smiling, and he feels like he’s ready to erupt.
Tempest refreshed your page again.
“This is so against girl code.”
“You haven’t even talked with her before.”
“How would you know?”
“Temp.”
“Right, sorry.”
She taps your story, and a flyer comes up.
“A Halloween-themed festival night?” Miguel says as the story disappears.
“Sounds fun!”
“I’m going to go. Put the story back up again.”
Tempest side-eyed him as best as she could, “Uh, maybe let’s not.”
“Why can’t I? I’m a member of the student body.”
“Do you usually go to these things?”
“No,” Miguel slowed his words. “But I could now? Maybe she won’t even be there.”
“And if she is? Wouldn’t it seem like you’re stalking her?”
He thinks about the many times he’s lingered around the art building, walked by your favorite spot on campus, and stared at corners of the library that you loved to see if you would be there.
“No?”
“Doubtful.”
“I just need to see her in person.”
GymRat!Miguel who doesn’t stop thinking about whether or not you’ll be at the festival.
If he doesn’t see you, he’ll be disappointed, but the panic clawing at his throat won’t shift to his mind.
If he does see you, he’ll be like a fish out of water. Floundering, lost, and begging his lungs to gain its necessities.
He just hopes that going is the right decision.
GymRat!Miguel who goes to his robotics club meetup the next day.
There’s no competition coming up, but the department wanted to revise a moving metal skeleton for Halloween weekend.
“You look like shit.”
“Thanks, Margo. I feel like it, too.”
She pulled his cheek out and made baby noises out of sympathy before Miguel swatted them away.
“Still no luck with your ex? Or is that joint giving you trouble?” she snickered at his sloppy attempt at connecting moving parts.
“Uh, no and yes.”
Aaron peeked up from his station and looked over like a beaver.
“I-it’s not because of what I said, right?”
Margo made a line with her mouth as if to say 'get a load of this guy'.
“No, Aaron,” Miguel mumbled.
“Yeah, Aaron, stop being nosy and get back to work,” Margo joked.
He snapped his welder’s mask back down like a dork and returned to sawing something, sparks flying past him.
Margo looks down at Miguel’s work.
“Well, I hope you can get her back soon because you need to work on your anatomy. Those bones don’t go together at all.”
He looks to a femur and a humerus connected with the sheer will of his clouded mind.
He missed when you attached sticky notes to his body for practice. The prize for getting the different parts of his body correct being kisses. You would laugh at his mistake but give a peck on the lips anyway. His arms were one of your favorite places to put your star-shaped stickers on, too.
“I didn’t mean for you to get even sadder,” Margo snapped him out of the memory.
“It’s fine. My fault.”
Margo shifted her weight as she started to take apart his mistake, “It’ll get better, Miguel. I’m sure of it.”
GymRat!Miguel who sits across from Tyler at one of the uppity restaurants in town. The lights are dim, as if the people eating here are all hiding from something.
“How’s school?” Tyler asked, clothes still managing to glow despite the one warm lamp above the table. He thanks the waitress for refilling his water glass. “Made any new friends? Connections?”
The age-old awkward feeling of trying to concisely describe his growing adult life was at the top of his mind.
“It’s going well,” was always the easiest answer. Simple and open-ended.
Of course, Tyler took this as a sign to delve further.
“Your mother told me you’re taking up game programming this semester. Do you like the feel of that class?”
An ice cube floated to the top of Miguel’s glass.
“I was enjoying it at first, now I’m sort of ready for it to end.”
Tyler cleared his throat, hand covering the frown on his face.
“Ah, well, some people just like the end result, I suppose,” he refolds a napkin, the reflection from his watch panning across the tablecloth. “What about your girlfriend? How is she? Perhaps, you have some new pieces of her’s to show me. My colleagues love the one in the entryway.”
The waiter placed a filet mignon in front of Miguel and bluefin tuna across from him. Tyler moved to tuck the same napkin into his crisp button down.
“I’m not sure.”
Tyler pauses as a slice of fish dangles from his fork.
Miguel is still cutting into the meat unnecessarily, knife scrapping against the plate.
“Son, this cut of meat is like butter,” Tyler said, taking the knife from him and putting it back on its napkin.
A twitch at the corner of his lips almost aligned with Tyler’s. The man racked his brain for the memories of his first son coming home with a similar expression.
He chewed and swallowed his fish stacked with cucumbers and cilantro.
“As you know, I am not the best when it comes to relationships. Nancy and I have had quite the uphill battle. However, I believe I am well-versed in the field of compromise. Should I reach out to her for you?”
It was a long shot, and by the growing shadows on his son’s face, Tyler suspected that his suggestion was a poor one.
“What will that do? Other than show her that I can’t handle my own problems.”
“Surely, you two can work it out. She was lovely, truly,” Tyler frets, afraid he’s made Miguel even more upset.
He just starts to eat, mind elsewhere.
Tyler wondered if he should have ordered some wine.
“When you found out Nancy cheated on you, what did you do?”
Lemon juice from his dish hit his throat right as he swallowed, a hand banging on his chest as he coughed.
“I, uh,” two gulps of water were taken from the glass Miguel handed him. “Well. The fruit of that labor is in front of me.”
“Obviously,” Miguel’s shoulders dropped and Tyler grimaced again. Curse his silly statements. “I meant, how did you feel? What were your initial thoughts?”
“I remember being angry. Here laid the mother of my only child with a much younger and, honestly, less fortunate man. I thought I was foolish to think that my genuine love or money could keep someone.”
Miguel pushed around an asparagus on his plate, “So there was a betrayal. A pain you couldn’t describe.”
“Exactly. For me, that came afterwards. I’m a prideful man. If one thing does not satisfy me, I simply find something that does.”
“And that thing just happened to be my mother?”
“Ah, if you put it like that, it’s far too harsh,” Tyler fixes a cuff. “Your mother provided me a place of warmth, solitude, and love for a short time. It’s something I’ll never forget. I regret the hurt Nancy and I inflicted on each other, but I don’t regret you.”
Tyler watches and waits for a response. His son shifts in his seat and rolls his neck, eyes never leaving his plate.
“Has she,” Tyler tilts his head, “hurt you this way?”
“No, but I broke her trust.”
“You cheated?”
“Never. But we have a lot to work on.”
Tyler might order some bourbon tonight to drink in place of his son and the mopey demeanor.
“I’m all ears whenever you need me. But if there is as much love between you two as I saw earlier this year, then you’re sure to gain in back. That doesn’t go away.”
Miguel takes a deep breath and Tyler believes that some of the shadows on his face disappear.
The meal continued, and the people around them continued their quiet chatter.
“Could you do me a favor?” Miguel asks as they both clean their plates.
Tyler lights up, “Anything.”
“Don’t tell my mom about this?”
Tyler thinks back to the unpleasant things Conchata had to say about her son’s girlfriend and quietly agrees that it’s for the best of she’s out of the loop.
“Your secret’s safe with me.”
GymRat!Miguel who walks up to the festival wearing one of the shirts you gave him for his birthday.
It was an impulsive decision because now that he’s here, he’s wondering if seeing it on him will upset you.
The festival is partially outside and inside, a mix of games, concessions, and small rides for students to enjoy.
He walked under the pumpkin and bat-shaped balloons, and fake smoke from a cauldron moved past him.
It smelled like sour candy apples, and marshmallows. Booths were all around the campus grass. He walked past them slowly, not interested but searching for something.
The turnout was nice for a night when he figured people would be out partying. There were a lot of students walking in and out.
A game caught his eye as he neared the entrance to the student center. It’s a Shoot Out booth with the ducks replaced with black cats and the gun switched to tiny ghost bean bags to match the theme. There’s a giant white bunny with an X for lips, a blue dress, and a bow on its ear.
It’s so you that he couldn’t resist.
The student volunteer told him he had three chances this round to knock out twenty cats for the bunny.
“Everyone’s been gunning for it, but this game is pretty hard!”
Miguel nodded in understanding.
If he focused enough, the bunny could be his.
On his first try, he knocked out thirteen cats, much to the volunteer’s surprise.
“Woah! You’re pretty good! Did you wanna grab anything from this tier?”
There was student association merch and a shirt with the college logo.
Miguel rolled his sleeves up, “No, I’m going to try for the plushie again.”
The second time, he knocked down the last cat with just a few seconds left on the timer.
The girl running the booth smiled with her eyebrows nearly merging to the top of her head in shock.
“I-I guess that means you win the bunny!”
She handed it to him with a lull of awe.
He muttered a quiet thanks and turned towards the doors with fake spiderwebs dangling off them.
There was music, a sign to go to a haunted hallway, and even more tables with food.
He wonders if you would have gotten scared walking through scary attractions with him. You would probably hold his hand as tight as he’s holding the belly of this rabbit.
Scanning the room, he doesn’t catch a glimpse of you anywhere.
Looking down at the little white face in his hands, he started to think he wasted the hour or so he’d been here.
Walking to the table of free cookies, he took a frosted Frankenstein in his hand and bit a bolt off.
He felt like a lost kid as he floated from table to table to stall.
Maybe he should give up. You were probably promoting this event for Jess.
GymRat!Miguel who was finishing off his fifth mummy-in-a-blanket when he saw you leaving the haunted hallway.
The first thing he noticed is the long, blue cardigan falling off your shoulders. The end of it is trailing after you as you run out.
There’s a grin on your face and an air in your steps, something he missed seeing.
The next thing he noticed was that you weren’t wearing your necklace anymore.
Then a hand pulled it up on your shoulders and slid back down your arm.
A guy is standing next to you and laughing as if you’ll give him money for doing so.
He’s tall. He looks like he could be built, too.
It’s like a slap in the face, worse than when you pushed him away.
Looking down, Miguel saw your hand in his, clinging tight. You smile at the guy and reach up to get something out of his hair.
Miguel thinks that there was nothing wrong with his hair. There was nothing to smile about either.
The guy’s hands touch you in places where Miguel has embraced. His fingers were covering the same neck he’d put his head in. His thumbs ran over the apples of your cheeks, the same ones that used to crowd his lips.
You lean into the guy’s chest and say something that he can’t hear.
His stomach makes an angry lurch and he feels that orange being shift to a green one. It’s clawing at him, pulling at his mind.
This wasn’t how today was supposed to end. You weren’t supposed to cling to some random guy. You weren’t supposed to be with someone else.
Miguel turns when he leans down towards you, chest burning. What he didn’t see was not true to him. What he didn’t know was not reality.
GymRat!Miguel stormed out of the building, and images of you happy with someone else faded onto the inside of his eyelids.
The material of his sweater was scratching against his skin as he made his way back to the festival entrance.
Everything was too much. The people were too loud, the lamps were too bright, and the music playing over the speakers sucked.
His nose started to twitch and he wondered why did festival food have so much damn sugar.
Someone nearly hits the ground as he pushes past them, a confused noise hitting the air, but he doesn’t feel inclined to stop.
GymRat!Miguel who almost breaks free from what feels like a harmful joke when Xina spots him.
“Hey!” She ran over to him, leaves crunching against her boots. She’s wearing the varsity jacket he bought her years ago. “Leaving already?”
“Yeah, I,” he stopped when he thought he heard your laugh somewhere deep in the festival. “I’m not feeling too good. Think I’m gonna go back to my dorm.”
“Oh, do you have a fever? The weather did drop out of nowhere,” her hand lifted, fingers twitching like she wanted to see for herself.
She hesitates, scared he’ll blow away.
When her fingers press into his neck, he just wants to cry. It felt like when she caught him crying under the trees on the playground or when he’d show up at his grandma’s house with a chubby face full of tears.
He covers her hand for a second, just one, then pushes it away.
If he talks about it, he’ll break into pieces.
“Here,” he shoved the bunny into her hands. The dress is wrinkled, and the bow is a bit lopsided.
Xina’s eyes grow as sees it. The smile on her lips is familiar, “Thank you. I love it.”
Her mouth opens as if she wants to say more, but Miguel starts first.
“Glad you like it. I’ll see you later?”
“Yeah, ok. Get back safe, Hare-Hare.”
He heads towards his building empty-handed.
GymRat!Miguel who is in denial.
He’s moved past his brain making up you being at the Halloween festival and was now choosing to believe that it was a friend.
The tiny Gabriel on his shoulder was telling him that you had moved on. You had a new boyfriend, so he needed to move on as well—or stop moping about you.
He was choosing to ignore him for now.
It’s been another week since he saw you. Thanksgiving was on its way and he hasn’t been focused in a single class.
At a time when he really needed Tempest to update him, she told him to step back and recenter himself. Something about him not being level-headed.
He didn’t care.
The point of no return was truly here as he stood in front of the elevator in the art building.
A bag of food was sweating in his palm, and the two drinks were seeping into his hoodie, but he would regret it forever if he didn’t try talking to you again before the semester was over.
He’s doing something he told himself he wouldn’t do, but he couldn’t help that he still knew your schedule by heart. Taking a chance on you sticking around for studio hours was all that he had.
GymRat!Miguel who got to the right floor and was happy to see a student leaving the room.
The lights in the hallway were still on and music came from down the hall.
Miguel walked down, peering in every door, leaving once he couldn’t see you or when the people inside gave him weird looks.
GymRat!Miguel who walks into the last studio in the hallway with quiet steps.
Your canvas is almost bigger than you, the top of it covering you as you moved your brush across it.
You had headphones on, star molds stuck on the sides of them.
Miguel sat the food down on the table, moving like a stealthy agent.
Your sleeves were rolled up to your elbows, yet paint was still on them despite your efforts. You looked tired, but god, you were still overwhelmingly gorgeous to him.
He stepped closer. Slowly, step by step, coming into your peripheral.
“Why are you here?”
Miguel paused mid-walk, face like a puppy who got caught.
He should have thought this through more.
“I wanted to see you,” he holds his hands before him. It’s not making him any smaller, but it brings a slight comfort. “Brought some food.”
“’M not hungry.”
An apology is his first instinct, but the sound of your stomach growling speaks for him.
You refuse to look at him, face warm.
“It’s your favorite. Come eat, please.”
Taking off your headphones, you sighed.
“Fine.”
GymRat!Miguel who has to pinch himself to stop staring at you.
You weren’t just tired, you were exhausted. Your eyes drooped as you bit into your fries, and your movements were sluggish.
You didn’t ask for his extra sauce like you usually did. You didn’t even try to steal his fries.
“How have you been?” he asks instead of digging himself further into the sad hole of his heart.
Your eyes flick at him over your glasses and back to your food.
“Really, Miguel?”
“Y-yes? I’m always wondering how you are.”
“Then you should know how I’ve been already, then.”
Miguel faltered.
“You’re not very subtle, you know? I could see you pacing back and forth around campus.”
“Oh,” he slurped his drink nervously.
“And I saw you at the festival, too.”
He almost punctured the styrofoam in his hand.
“So, you’ve been fine is what you’re telling me. I’m gla-” he choked on the words. “I see you’ve…met someone.”
“He was just a friend. You could have said ‘hi’ then, if you really wanted to speak with me.”
“Didn’t look like a friend,” left Miguel’s mouth before he could stop it.
You hummed, eyebrows raised, and a click sound from your teeth. “Oh, but now do you see how that feels?” You started to untie your apron.
“I didn’t mean for that to come out in that way. I came here to just talk.”
“About what? How you didn’t actually cheat on me? How you didn’t mean for any of this to happen? How you’re sorry you got caught?”
He bit his tongue.
That was almost what he wanted to say.
“About us,” he said as you rolled your eyes. “I still love you, and it’s killing me not to be with you. This is as plain and simple as I can say it. I’ll say it over and over and over again until you hear me.”
“Miguel,” your voice puffed out, weary and broken, “you cheated on me with your best friend and now you’re here trying to spin this and pull me back. I-I have dignity. As much as I want to pretend like what’s been happening this semester is meaningless, I can’t.”
“And I’m telling you that I would never do that you. Not in a million years, not in this lifetime, would I ever purposely hurt you in that way. Baby, please. Listen to me!”
“I see the way you are with her,” your words fall after his. “I remember the texts. There is something there. I don’t know if I can compete with that and I’m not trying to. So, if you want to be with her, then do that, but leave me out of it.”
Miguel is quick to grab your hands as you try to turn away, “Fine. There is something there.”
You try to yank yourself from him again, the pain from October 13th filling you again, but his hands are faster this time.
“There’s a girl who used to threaten to beat me up if I didn’t defend myself against bullies. There’s a girl who used to trade collectible cards with me in secret because her parents didn’t allow her to obsess over junk, and the girls at school thought it was lame. There’s a trust built long over a decade that has been broken. I do care about her, as I would do with any friend, but you have to understand that I care about you, too.”
“Then why didn’t you show that?” you whispered, tears leaving your eyes. “It felt humiliating, Miguel. That night, I felt disgusting. Like you were just throwing me away. I kept thinking that you lied to me about everything, that you were indulging in something that you never really wanted.”
Miguel reached to hold your face, thumbs sliding your tears away, heart breaking.
“Lo siento, amor. Hm?” he wanted to take your pain away and place it onto himself if it meant that you didn’t talk like this. “It’s not true. What we have created is not some trial run. I love you so deeply, that I was going insane. Knowing that you thought otherwise is painful to hear. The buildup to that night is a misunderstanding. You have to know that.”
You take a breath, “How could I know?”
Miguel stared at your face and thought the same.
He’s been yelling trust, trust, trust and when he thinks back to your few interactions with Xina, it clicks that you truly had no foundation to trust.
“If I had just been better, you would have known.”
Like you said, Xina had walked all over him.
“So what now?” you asked, and pull your sweater over your fingers.
Miguel blinked, “I was hoping to start over? Restart?”
“I can’t,” you said immediately and Miguel tensed. “You entering my life has given me far more ups than downs, but when those downs come, they can be brutal.”
“So, you don’t want me to be your boyfriend, again?”
You shake your head and he felt like it was his turn to cry.
“I want action. Show me that something like this won’t happen again. We can sit here and tell each other promises until we’re blue in the face, but what do those promises mean if one person or thing can ruin it.”
“I’ll do that. I’ll do anything.”
You brush his hair back and wrap his arms around your waist to settle in this feeling. Your thumbs traveled from his hairline to curves of his ears down to his jaw. They rub circles into his skin, slow and rhythmic.
“Have you talked with Xina? Has she confessed to what you’re telling me she has done?”
He shakes his head softly, afraid to break the scene.
You laugh, small and quiet, then unwrap his arms from around you. You go back to your canvas and start to scrape at the glass of the taboret. Miguel was so in a trance, that almost didn’t notice the switch.
“I’m going to talk with her,” Miguel stated across the room.
You wave a hand in the air, unmoved.
He followed you as you go to the mineral spirits bucket to soak your brushes.
“Baby-“
“As far as I’m concerned, you shouldn’t talk to me until whatever you two have going on is fixed. Don’t know who 'baby' is.”
You walk to the sink and turn the water on. Miguel was right behind you and grabbing the dish soap before you can.
“And I will talk to her,” Miguel sayid. You reach for the soap and he holds it out of your reach, petulant. “Baby.”
You give him an irritated look and pinch his neck. He makes a hurt noise and gives you the jug.
“Action. Miguel.”
GymRat!Miguel who waited until you’ve packed everything up.
He didn’t mean for this to turn into him teasing you, but he couldn’t help it. He was getting his fill while he still could.
“At least let me walk you back to your dorm,” Miguel sayid, picking up the wet paper towels you’ve been throwing at him.
“No, thanks. I have a date. I don’t need you changing up my energy.”
Miguel’s smile dropped.
“You do?”
“His name starts with an R, ends with an E. He’s super sweet. Sturdy.”
Reese? Reggie? Raye? Ronnie?
“I see,” Miguel’s heart plummets. “Your friend wasn’t just that.”
“Mm-hm. We’re still testing the waters, but I don’t think he’ll disappoint me.”
Miguel didn’t know what to say. He was nothing but bold, though.
“Who’s to say that…guy won’t hurt you?”
Who’s to say that he would treat you better than Miguel?
You pull the straps of your back over your shoulders and Miguel wants to hold it for you.
A snicker leaves you, “Because he’s made of plastic and is designed of pleasure.”
“Oh.”
“Bye. Enjoy your Thanksgiving.”
Miguel stood and watched you go, wondering if this was progress.
GymRat!Miguel whose bedroom was filled with the chatter of his friends once more.
Friendsgiving was always fun.
GymRat!Miguel who thinks that Lyla is a terrible teammate.
“You’ve got be doing this on purpose,” Miguel groaned as Lyla’s Yoshi pumps the pedal incorrectly.
“I don’t know what you’s talking about!” Her giggles float across the room as saw Miguel get more and more frustrated.
Winston and Tempest were laser-focused, their Monty Mole and Peach following a stead 1-2 rhythm to get their cart across the track.
“Lyla!” Miguel yells as her Yoshi stumbles back. “You’re selling me. You want me to lose.”
The mini-game ends with Tempest and Winston high-fiving each other and Miguel yelling at Bowser to pick his head up.
GymRat!Miguel who laughed as he watched Winston reenact his band director, nearly breaking his neck.
“I’ve never seen a bald man somersault on grass until that day.”
GymRat!Miguel who, full off of food and peach cobbler that Tempest made, stared at the bag of gummies that she placed in the middle of their huddle.
“We can just try this tonight. We’re safe with each other,” Tempest whispered.
“You guys are horrible role models,” Miguel said.
“I don’t know. That blue one is speaking to me. It reminds me of Scooby Doo,” Winston mumbled.
Lyla motioned across one, “Maybe we can cut it in half.”
“That defeats the purpose though. These barely have anything in them,” Tempest complained.
“Says you,” Miguel quipped. “You just called me about a cherry bong the other night.”
“Ok, but wasn’t it cute?”
GymRat!Miguel who nearly jumped out his skin when his door slams open.
Everyone except him shoves their gummy in their mouth with lightening speed. Miguel just holds his awkwardly as he turns to see him mom standing in the doorway.
“Yeah, ma?” he says. He chose to ignore Winston who is over exaggerating, lips smacking.
“Mijo! I have a surprise for you guys!”
GymRat!Miguel who sat awkwardly on his rug, running his wrapped gummy in his palm.
Lyla was practically in Tempest’s lap, tapping at her phone. Tempest is looking around their circle expectantly.
Winston started tapping a fast beat on his arm.
Miguel is looking everywhere except in front of him where Xina was sitting with her chin tucked into her knees.
“It’s good to see you again,” Winston said, forever the peacemaker.
Xina relaxed a bit, “You guys, too. I’ve missed this.”
Miguel saw Tempest softening up a bit at Xina’s words.
“When is stuff gonna hit?” Lyla barks out to which Tempest elbows her.
Xina cleared her throat, “Actually can we talk, Miguel?”
“Yeah, shoot.”
Xina looked around them, “Alone?”
GymRat!Miguel who was standing across from Xina in the office-turned-bedroom that his parents barely used.
“Did my mom invite you?” Miguel asked.
“Actually, Tempest did.”
Miguel raises his eyebrows and nods. He didn’t expect that but he’s not mad at it.
Xina was antsy, arms hiding themselves in the sleeves folded across her body. Miguel stayed quiet.
“So, things between us haven’t been exactly smooth sailing lately.”
“That’s one way to put it,” Miguel looked down at the shark slippers you bought him last year.
“And I have some things that I want to explain to you.”
Miguel raised his eyes expectantly. Xina was mirroring his posture, but her face looked uncomfortable, conflicted.
Her eyes flicker over his before she covered her face and huffs, “这太难了.” (This is so hard.)
“What’s hard?” Miguel asks, pulling together the few times Xina taught him anything. He sat down, hoping it would relax her more.
Her hands drop as she blinks at the ceiling, “Everything. When it comes to you, everything just gets overwhelming.”
“As in?”
She looked at him in disbelief, “As in I’m doing silly shit, again.”
A pause in her words comes as they hear laughter from down the hall.
“Last year was so surreal. I did everything right. My mailbox was full of acceptance letters. My mom finally genuinely smiled at me for the first time in what felt like years. I moved so far away from my parents that I felt like that string that kept me attached to them had broken. I had fun. I went to my first party and got so drunk that when I woke up, I was on the porch of a frat. I made friends who could relate to me more than anyone else. I made acquaintances who could have never gotten into that school without their parents painting the campus with money. Still, I worked my ass off and got kicked out because one of them hid drugs under my seat.”
Miguel’s breath hitched, but Xina continued.
“It was my word against kids whose parents could have the school shut down within minutes. My dad was so angry at me that he pretended like I wasn’t in his home. And my mom just,” her leg started to bounce. “She helped me pack up some things and sent me to go live with my aunt for the summer. It wasn’t until she dropped me off at the airport that whispered to me that she loved me. That she was proud of me. That it was ok to make mistakes.”
“I cried like a baby for half of the flight. And it wasn’t until I got to customs that I realized that I should have called you. You always knew what to tell me no matter what the situation was and I just disappeared. Everything came back tenfold and I missed you so much. So when I saw you again, it was like I fell back into my old habits. I thought ‘I’m finally going to do it!’ but would chicken out and relieve that stress. I was kind of hoping that my tipsy self would have more confidence.”
“Because a drunk tongue speaks a sober mind?” Miguel hummed.
Xina finally laughed, “Are you 40 or something? Yeah. Exactly.”
Miguel blinked and looked up at her, “So tell me what your sober mind wants to say, Xina.”
Xina’s eyes lowered, “That I. I feel like I lose myself when I’m around you. It’s why I acted the way I did. It’s why I overstepped.”
His heart picked up as he registered her words.
“I like you so much, Miguel. More than I can bear. More than I’d like to admit. More than a friend.”
dividers by: @adornedwithlight 🩵
a/n: Please don't be mad at me. 😵💫 Also please watch your tone in the comments. 🤠 Be very mindful, very demure.
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Masterlist
warnings: 9th member brain rot, kissing, body image? hardly proof read don’t come for me
prev: two, next: four
☆゚
“Honestly? I hate it. I hate it a lot.”
None of your costume fittings were going well. Pants too tight, boots too big, couldn’t lift your arms or else your top would rise too high. Nothing worked. Did it at least look good? Meh.
“What’s wrong with it?” Chan asked as he stood beside you, looking at you through the practice room mirror.
“I dunno, it just… doesn’t feel right. Something…” You tried reaching around to feel the zippers and pins that held your outfit in place. Chan, ever observant, stepping to help unclip various pieces of the outfit. By the time he was done, it was a bit more revealing.
You were in the same leather pants as the rest of the group, but your top was the most modified out of everyone. A long sleeved body suite that followed the same black and white bedazzled color schemes with triangular cut outs down the shoulders and arms, rising a little too high on your hips. It was supposed to be a sexy piece, definitely not fit for a performance outfit. The stylists had it pinned to the leather pants to keep from revealing how exposing it was, saying how everything was so pretty and perfect for the concept, except this.
The pants rested a little lower on your hips, more comfortably. Chan looked at you again, “how’s that?”
You hopped and moved around, “a lot better.”
“It looks better too!” Hyunjin casually strolled into the conversation. He reached out to trace the seam that exposed your upper hips, “sexy.”
You swatted his hand away, “don’t be weird.”
“I meant it in a good way!” He threw his hands up and side stepped behind Chan and disappeared.
"If you're comfortable with it, this is much better. But it's a bit more than what you're used to showing," the older ignored Hyunjin and played with the pins in his hand.
Admiring yourself in the mirror, you realized it was a lot more than you're used to. The bodysuit was tight, which was okay because it was stretchy. But it outlined your body more than the other member's costume, therefore it stood out exponentially. "Do you think it'll be okay... y'know, in front of people?" The lowered tone of your voice, the question was shaky.
Chan paused to look at you with hints of concern, and he knew what you were talking about. He copied the hushed syntax of the conversation, "if you're worried about bad press, don't. You're part of us, like the biggest part. It's been how many years and if people can't handle that... well, that's their problem."
He lent you an encouraging smile before his attention was pulled away by a screaming Jeongin, then a thud following with Hyunjin piling on top of the younger. Chan had turned away to make sure the two were okay, and in within your lone thoughts, you figured he was right. Other people's opinions are not your problem. This was a step in the right direction.
And Chan was right, as he always is! The outfit was a smash during tour, people loved it and you felt confident. By the time the Japan tours were announced, you were ready to ask for something a bit more. Solo stages meant you were able to show more personality. You didn't have many solo projects, so it was already nerve wracking picking a song and getting help with the choreography.
The other members weren't around for your fitting with the solo stage outfit, just you and the stylist who started to enjoy your newfound excitement for experimentation. She had jumped for joy and brought out racks of different pieces, "I've waited five years for this day! It's like dress up and you're my barbie doll."
It was a large compliment coming from her, her enthusiasm made your energy spike. So you let her put you in different outfits and go over different mood boards to find what it is you wanted. The one-on-one time with her felt like turning a new leaf for your career and confidence. "I'm glad that you want to do this. I never wanted to push you to do something you're uncomfortable with, I'm so excited for you!" Aside from the usual encouragement from your members, her approval was the icing on the cake. After all, dressing people is her entire livelihood.
You hadn't given so much as a hint to the boys as to what your concept was, and it made them annoyed to no end. As they all talked about colors and themes, you kept your cards close to your chest to only let them know what you wanted them to know.
"You're being mean! Tell us! My nosy heart can't take not knowing!" Jisung pestered you the most, though you knew it came from a good place. They were all anticipating it.
When the dress rehearsal came, you put on your outfit last just so that they could all stew in their curiosity a little longer. They had all gathered on the sides of the stage to watch your run through, all of them still in their own costumes.
Your solo began with lifted from below the stage, that alone got howls from the members and also scolds from your manager to be quiet. It was hard not to glance over at them literally toppling over themselves to see your outfit up close, you laughed all throughout the run-through because of the little comments they'd make as if they were the audience.
"That's my bias!" from Jisung and a, "I'll treat you to dinner for being so cute!" from Minho.
Some other barrages of compliments later, the rehearsal intermission gave them time to rush onto the stage and tackle you to the ground. Physically dog pile on top of you so that you had no choice but to stay put. You couldn't even tell who was talking as everyone spoke at the same time. But soon enough, your manager walked over to get everyone under control once more.
Felix held out his hand for you to take and stand up. "Y/N'ie, you should've been dressing like this the entire time. You've been holding out on everyone," he teased, playing with the hem of your top.
It wasn't an outrageously different outfit to what you're used to, but also it was so brand new. An outfit made of repurposed denim in different shades, stitched together to make a halter-styled cropped top and skirt with denim arm and leg warmers to match. It was comfortable, and not to mention shorts built into the skirt.
"Just cus you said that, I'm gonna wear a track suit for the actual concert and bury this outfit in the basement," you lightly punched his arm.
"If you do, it'd be a crime against humanity. I'll have you arrested, I’ve got connections," Seungmin offhandedly mentioned. He looked indifferent, but the blush tinting his ears was a dead giveaway.
"To who? You don't talk to anyone except us," Jeongin spoke up.
"Your mom."
"Ouch," you and Felix giggle as the two youngest continued to bicker, hanging on each other's arms until it was time to finish the dress rehearsal.
Felix was always a person of comfort for you. Sort of like the baby blanket that you refused to give up because it's the one thing you know will always be there waiting for you to come home. That's not to compare him to a ratty old blanket, but more the sentiment behind it. Even after all of the praise from your members, you still found yourself looking for him to cling on to. Felix lets you, placing a hand over yours as you wrap around his arm like a vine that won't let go.
It wasn't until rehearsals were over and everyone were to change out of their outfits did you leave to let him gather his stuff. The others made jokes and poked fun, as they always did, but never Felix. Sure, he liked to tease, but even the way he did that was sweet and kind.
He could see the way you grimaced when looking at the outfit as you handed it back to the stylists for safe keeping, coming to your side unrushed as not to startle you. Wrapping an arm over your shoulder, Felix went with you to finish up small tasks before it was time to head back to the hotel.
Actually, Felix didn't leave you alone the rest of the day off, as well. He'd went with you back to your hotel room where the both of you took a short nap- you'd gone to the bathroom to find him passed out in the spare bed. Then when you woke up, it was also his idea to check out the restaurant and pool the hotel offered. You both did ask the other members if anyone wanted to join, however they were all off doing their own thing, except Hyunjin asked for you to ask him again in another hour. Something about taking a bath?
As Felix left to change into his swim suit, you silently kicked yourself for remembering to bring one in the first place. Initially, you had attempted to get out the activity by saying you didn't bring one. But then he went into your suitcase, taking everything out just to see it buried at the bottom. This was bound to happen, knowing how (affectionately) invasive all of the members are, you took caution by putting your undergarments in separate bags. Reliving the last fiasco with you in your underwear was something you avoided at all costs, now.
So now you had no choice but to go swimming, despite the sun going down and the temperature dropping.
The two of you grabbed an order of French fries and some drinks for dinner to take poolside. There was no one, thankfully. You don't think you'd be able to take your top off if there was even one other person there to see. Felix acted like this was normal. Because it should be. He's one of your best friends and has nothing but love for you, so why is this so difficult?
You've come to terms with your body and living in your skin. At least, you thought you did.
"One step at a time," the deep bass of a voice said softly over your shoulder. Felix had opened the to-go box of food and was taking a seat at one of the outdoor tables. "Let's just eat, for now."
Hesitant, you sat beside him, picking at the fries while staring at the reflective lights within the hotel. Comfortable silence besides the occasional water splashing against the concrete. "We don't have to go in," Felix offered with a sympathetic smile. "I'm just glad I got you out of your room."
"What do you mean, I always hang out with you guys when we're traveling."
"Yeah, in the hotel!" The crinkles at the corners of his eyes when he smiled was cute. Felix is cute. "I mean going to dinner, sight seeing, doing fun things."
"I have fun! Like," you blanked for a second, grabbing a fry and shoving it in your mouth to buy some time. "Scrolling through the foreign tv channels and trying to figure out what's happening."
"You can't be serious." You shrugged and he rolled his eyes. "Well now we have to go in the pool. There is no way we are leaving when all you've done is try to find the Japanese discovery channel."
Felix stood and immediately stripped off his shirt, tossing it at your face cockily. Spitting the fabric out of your mouth, you were tempted to gag yourself with it again when you saw him shirtless. It's not like you'd never seen any of them without a top before, it's just that you always had to hide it. Felix wiggled his eyebrows at you, "how much do you love me?"
Flustered. You were flustered. "...A lot, I guess? What does that have to do w-"
"I jump, you jump kind of love?"
"What are you talking ab-"
He took off in a sprint towards the pool, quickly spinning to yell back, "You love me, so jump!" And he cannonballed into the deep end. The impact made the water splash over the edge and wet your feet. You stood to peer into the water where you could see his blonde hair bobbing before breaking the surface again for air. His skin glistened and glowed from the warm pool lights, ethereal. "If you don't come in, I'm gonna hold a grudge against you for the rest of our lives."
"Is that a threat?"
Felix nodded, "a very serious one that I'll make the rest of the guys get in on and annoy you for all of eternity."
They already annoy you, but like Felix said, I jump, you jump applies to all of you.
You looked around the area, not another soul in sight. Felix flicked some water at you, taunting. The smug look on his face, you wanted to slap it off of him, or kiss. Probably both.
Either way, you raised an eyebrow in challenge and slid off your shorts and shirt at record speed, barreling towards the pool to follow him with a leap. The water was cold, but refreshing. It wasn't hard to open your eyes beneath it to see Felix also dipping his head below, smiling widely at you. His hands reached out to guide you both back to the surface, inhaling deeply while he laughed gleefully.
Suddenly, you were being lifted in a warm pair of arms and smothered into his body. The two of you were in fits of giggles at both of your lacks in impulse control. Your arms wrapped around his shoulders while he held you closer.
The laughter slowly died down, but Felix didn't let you go. Though, his hands did slide a little lower. Barely grazing down your back, over your bathing suit bottoms and hooking beneath your thighs to urge you to wrap them around him. His plush lips were the pinkest you'd ever seen them, matching prettily with the blush on his cheeks.
You were almost weightless in the water, taking away the small fear factor that you'd be too heavy for him to carry like this, although it didn't go away entirely. You couldn't resist looking down at yourself, specifically in the stupidly small bikini that was the only one you brought. It was like your entire thought process was being narrated to him, Felix let go of one leg to tip your chin up to face him again. You met his eyes with a hint of embarrassment, but mostly bemused by the way he was looking at you.
There was lingering moment where you caught him staring at your lips, as well. The same hand beneath your chin trailed to cup your cheek, thumb brushing over the corner of your mouth.
"I thought we were supposed to be swimming," you whispered out of nervousness.
“Were we?” He didn’t give you time to respond, leaning in to brush his lips against yours. There was a small moment before they fully connected where you could’ve backed out, you could’ve pulled away and acted like nothing happened.
Instead, you pushed into him to fully melt against his lips. Felix tangled his hand in your hair to make sure there was less than oxygen between your bodies, water sloshing around as he reciprocated the heat behind the kiss. He molded against you like a perfect puzzle piece, following your lead in tracing his lower lip with your tongue. Hands grabbed at your thigh, your ass, the one in your hair trailing behind to wrap around your shoulder. His eagerness made you just as needy, just as desperate that you followed in threading your fingers through his blonde locks and raking your nails from there, down his neck and back. Felix’s body shivered at the feeling.
You could tell he was holding back when he groaned softly against you and his hold on your lower half tightened enough that you should be concerned there’d be bruises.
The other thing you should be concerned about was the water beginning to rise. Or, you were sinking? He still kept a firm grasp on you, and the water beginning to creep up your back didn’t seem to concern him, nor when it finally reached your neck and suddenly you were holding your breath and submerged all over again.
Only when the both of you were beneath the surface did he pull away to look at you. Felix smiled, cheeky and warm, he kissed you again, slower this time. A little more passionate and past the initial frenzy.
But air was an unfortunate necessity, and he lifted the both of you up again. His lips moved to the side of your cheek, placing supple pecks as you regained your breaths. You couldn’t suppress the small bits of laughter as your body relaxed and mind catches up with what had just happened.
Reluctant, Felix pulled away to brush the hair from your forehead. “Were we supposed to be swimming or something?”
“You were supposed to call me in a hour!”
The third voice broke your small bubble of bliss to see Hyunjin standing at the edge of the pool. He was only in a bathrobe and slippers, pajama pants peaking out from underneath while his hair fell into his face out of the ponytail.
You couldn’t even be bothered to let go of Felix, who in result of his shock actually held you closer.
“And why did he get to kiss you first?! That’s not fair.” Hyunjin started to untie his bathrobe, tossing it onto the table where the rest of your stuff was.
“What is happening right now?” You softly mutter as the only dry person present also pulled off his pajama pants to leave him in just his boxers. Entirely stunned and far too flustered to understand why he was stripping, you reached out to stop him, “Hyun, you just took a bath.”
“If getting in the pool is what I have to do, I’ll take a million showers. After I kiss you,” as he broke into a run towards the edge of the pool.
☆゚
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