#<- BUT THEN THAT KEEPS A ���PART OF NIGHTMARE” “”ALIVE“” WOULDNT THAT MAKE THE ENTIRE GOAL OF KILLING NIGHTMARE IMPOSSIBLE

[absurdumsid]

Here a scenario for you imagine that dream finds a way to get the goop of nightmare and the first thing nightmare does when he sees dream again is punch him

i i itu ti th i thought that was imposible because the goop would just disintegrate

[isa-ah]

what to do when your anger at a situation is entirely justified but that doesn't change a thing and while there's nothing you can actually do about it the situation is still steeply ongoing.

[witchcraft-in-wonderland]

Silent Nightmares (Pt.2)

-------------------------

The thing Emile did the most often and felt the guiltiest about in the camp, was sleeping. Patton had told him dozens of times that it didnt matter and he'd been on his own since the apocalypse started so if he needed to spend most of his time resting it was ok, but it didnt feel right.

Even when he knew there were people in the camp who did nothing but talk to the others, it still didnt feel right that he couldnt do anything to help.

But he'd stopped bringing this up fairly quickly, mostly out of fear that they'd kick him out for bringing up how useless he was so often.

"Eeeemmmmm, its wake up tiiiiimmmmeeee," Emile shuddered as he felt a gentle nudge on his side and rolled over in bed, blinking a few times before realizing it had been Remus who woke him up.

"You have practice today, sound fun?" Remus said as Emile wriggled his way out of bed.

"Yeah, by the way what was all that noise last night? I thought I heard someone screaming?" Emile said, raising an eyebrow at Remus as he went to change.

"Oh that was just one of the other campers, some of us get a little jumpy yeah?" Remus said.

"Oh- that makes sense-" Emile said, thinking for a few moments.

"Oh and keep that binder off for today, you've been wearing it for much to long and doing stuff like this with it on is going to hurt," Remus said, Emile's face went scarlet.

"You knew?" He said quietly.

"I have to tell Roman at least five times a day to take breaks from his," Remus said with a shrug.

"Ok- fine- I'll take it off," Emile sighed, waiting for Remus to leave the room so he could change.

Emile had never been to the training grounds before, he wasnt entirely sure what to expect, but what he did find certainly wouldnt have matched.

"Theres two training rooms, one with simulation-based activities so you can practice without getting hurt or risking trauma exposure, and another one with real obstacles, and real weapons," Remus said as he came to stand next to Emile.

"What kind of obstacles?" Emile asked.

"Sometimes we try and keep zombies that we think we can save, our scientists have been working on a cure for a while, but it doesnt always have the expected results, and normally I'm against 'putting things out of their misery', but the things a failed cure can do to these corpses. . . A second death is the merciful option," Remus continued.

"Wait. . . You said there were some you had to kick out, does that mean they're just in the labs?" Emile asked.

"Yeah, our head scientists are Logan and King, me and Roman's older brother, they've been working on a cure, but they refuse to test it on old members of the camp," Remus said, still sounding mildly dismayed.

"Were you close with a lot of them?" Emile said quietly.

"One was basically a brother to me, or more accurately brother-in-law, Roman and King are still distraught about it," Remus responded.

"Oh dear. . ." Emile whispered, running his fingers through Remus' hair.

"But let's not dwell on it now- you've got training to do," Remus said, shaking his head.

"We'll start you off with terrain obstacles, I've seen the look on your face when you hear gunshots," Remus said, Emile shuffled his feet slightly.

"Hey theres no reason to be ashamed of it, weve got at least two other campers who can barely even hear about guns without breaking down, you're not a failure for disliking them," Remus said.

"Let's just- get to the training-" Emile replied hastily.

"Alright, gloves on first, I know you like to maneuver with your hands and I'd rather you not give yourself frostbite or a bloody palm," Remus said, gesturing to a table. Emile walked over and slipped on a pair of gloves, they were warm and soft, he debated keeping them when the training session ended.

"Alright, first up, gravel and ice," Remus said, gesturing to a nearby surface, Emile could see sharp grays speaking out from the white snow.

"Now we'll be using fans to mimic heavy winds, so dont get to confident, just because a surface is relatively flat doesnt mean it's easy to conquer," Remus said, pulling out a remote.

"Alright, whenever you're ready," Remus said as the fan began to start up.

Emile took a few breaths, even from so far back he could feel a push from the fan, so, he dropped to the ground, and scrambled forward, latching on to the larger gray rocks to keep from being pushed away.

"Alright now back to me!" Remus called, louder now that Emile was on the other end of the terrain. The trip back was a lot easier, since the wind was pushing him in the right direction.

They carried on with wind-based obstacles for a while, until Remus decided it was time to move a step up.

"How good are you with climbing?" Remus asked, Emile's eyes scanned the various makeshift hills and climbing walls.

"Not sure, I've never really done it before, but I like the idea of it," Emile replied.

"Dont worry, I'll catch you if something happens, I promise," Remus said, Emile shivered slightly.

He did well for a while, until he got to the highest part of the cliffs, and then he felt his foot slip.

And then he was falling, and everything felt distant, he shut his eyes, wishing yet again that he couldve had his wings in reality.

And then he woke up laying down, a few hours later from what he'd seen on the clock.

"Oh thank gods-" Emile blinked as he heard Remus' voice.

"Emmy I'm so sorry- I cant believe I so stupid! Oh gods I'm such a failure i cant believe i let this happen-" Emile reached a hand out and grasped Remus'.

"But I'm alive arent I? The cushions you set out still worked didnt they?" Emile replied.

"Emile you broke your leg," Remus said frantically.

"I- what?" Emile attempted to sit up, only to let out a loud squeak as the aforementioned leg began shooting pain through his body.

"Dont move- itll get worse if you move-" Remus said.

"How long do I have to stay here?" Emile whispered.

"We're going to have to amputate it, you'll stay here for a week or two before you can get back out," Remus said, burying his head in his hands.

"Remus. . ." Emile continued speaking in softer tones.

"This wasnt supposed to happen! It's a training simulation!" Remus droned on.

"Remus!" Emile's tone took a sudden sharp turn, startling Remus out of his hands.

"Mistakes happen. This is an apocalypse. Zombies arent the only things capable of losing limbs. I'll be fine! I promise!" Emile replied, holding Remus' face in his hands.

"You're not upset?" Remus replied.

"I mean sure I'll miss the leg, but no, I'm not upset with you," Emile said, smiling before laying back down, resting a hand in Remus' palm.

----------------------------------------------

Tag list:

@thefivecalls

@willowaudreykeyes

@pricklyfish777

@the-sad-strawberry

@itsnithbabey

@private-snippers

@0exterc0

@rich-flower-17

@theonetruebeepboop

@mycatshuman

@teamplutoforlife

@melodiread

@meowthefluffy

@frawkeye

@cemmy

@nerosdayinhell

@thecolorfulolive

@frog-candy-bee

[greenwaterskeeter]

College Advice

My brother was like, hey if you have any tips… So i wrote this! And then thought, there’s lots of people on tumblr just now going to college too…

Theres nothing in here about covid or making sure you have enough money– because i dont know anything about being a student during covid and i wouldnt give the same advice for getting money to everyone (and i wouldnt always know how anyway). I assume in the advice that the reader has enough money, because my brother does. That makes a big difference! Someone struggling for money wont have the bandwidth or time, probably, to do a lot of the stuff i advise. Edit: ugh i forgot, this is about US schools, specifically liberal arts US schools. Sorry about that!

Also, I didnt feel right taking the affection out of it once i decided to share it publicly. Help yourself! I may not have as direct an interest in your life, but there’s nothing in there i wouldnt wish for anyone going to college right now. (there’s also quite a bit that I think applies to anyone regardless of whether they do college or not).

Hi ******!

College Advice:

Work: No matter how important your work is or how much you have, take at least one day off a week. No schoolwork or working for money or any kind of work at all that day! (if it works better for you to take a half-day here and there instead of the whole day, that will do). More than one day is preferable, but there may come times when you have So Much To DO that sacrificing your free time doesn’t seem so bad and even one day off feels like too much.

I’m sure you’ve had plenty of this already, but people will keep telling you (by things they say and don’t say) that what you accomplish is the most important thing. It is not. What is most important is up to you– but I think it’s being your own authentic self. That’s complicated of course, but it boils down to: you already have everything you need in yourself, and keeping in touch with what you really truly want and love comes before everything. 

If you flunk out of school and all your nightmares come true and you still remember who you are, I will consider you to have succeeded. (but if you do forget– and so many things conspire to make you forget!– I will still be proud of you). 

GPA: It’s not the same as it was in high school! I won’t get into specific numbers because different schools have different ways of calculating it, and different rates of gpa inflation etc. It’s mostly bullshit. Unfortunately, if you want to go to graduate school, it is bullshit you have to pay attention to, but even then it’s not as all-important as it was in high school. You don’t need a 4.0, not even to become a doctor or a lawyer. A 3.5 or 3.6 is plenty for the highest ambitions, especially given that you’ll be doing extracurriculars. 

I would advise keeping half an eye on the numbers, and not straining yourself for even one additional 0.1 above your target, whatever you decide that is. If you decide not to do graduate school, you honestly could get any GPA as long as you don’t end up on academic probation (which i think goes on your permanent record? Or maybe not. I was on academic probation my last semester of senior year and i’m still not clear on whether it’s on the transcript somehow). After college, people only care that you have your bachelor’s, not what your grades were while you got it. They mostly won’t even care what the bachelor’s is in! It’s very strange, after all the work you’ve put in! (many of them only care that you had the money to go to school, very disappointing)

Extracurriculars: I did a lot of different ones, and still don’t feel entirely qualified to advise about them, because I hated most of them. My mistake was doing things I thought I should do instead of what I wanted to do. I think you should do what you want, even if there’s no existing group for the thing you want to do, for a few reasons. 1. You should enjoy yourself! Having fun is a very serious matter! Keeping the joy of living alive in your heart will make living feel worthwhile, of course, but it will also give you courage and the power to stick by your principles and keep pursuing your goals. 2. It doesn’t actually matter to graduate schools WHAT you did for extracurriculars; what they’re looking for is evidence for what kind of person you are, and they judge that that’s shown through HOW you do your extracurriculars (with commitment and integrity etc) rather than which ones you do. (even so, don’t let the “commitment” part keep you stuck in a soul-sucking activity!)

Choices: You’ll be told you’re supposed to choose your major on a certain timeline, do this and that and everything to very specific deadlines, all very proper. Of course, the more deadlines you meet, the easier things are. But on the other hand– human beings are not machines. You’re allowed to change your mind! Even after you were supposed to be sure! It’s much better to listen to your own misgivings and really look at them to figure out what you want as soon as you know they’re there rather than pushing them down in a panic because you’re not supposed to have them. If they’re ignored, they won’t go away, and they’ll eat at you, and one day they’ll ruin things. (this may be what midlife crises are made of). 

Friends: I know you have an established way of having friends, very different from mine, and that’s a good thing! I also know a lot of people take going to college as an opportunity to finally allow themselves certain things. There’s all kinds of takes on this, from putting on a poorly-done accent to binge drinking to coming out. It’s much better to stretch your legs this way than otherwise, I think. We need all the autonomy we can get! 

My advice here is: trust yourself. Listen to even your very quiet instincts. They’re there for a reason. You may elect to ignore them, but consider them first, and reject them afterwards if you must. The extreme end of this is Having A Bad Feeling. Listening to that has saved me from some sticky situations! A more mild form is the weird feeling of dissonance between you and an old friend. There are many reasons you may feel that, but unfortunately, in college, one of the most common reasons is that you’re becoming different people who aren’t so suited to being friends as your high school selves were. It’s painful! At the same time, it’s okay to love someone and not be together forever– but I suspect you already know that!

The one thing I would absolutely forbid is isolating yourself. It may seem impossible from where you are now, but that’s what I thought at the beginning too. College is a weird place, not exactly school and not exactly work and not exactly home, and it’s too easy to slip into anonymity. Tell your friends how you feel, good or bad! If you feel like you’re imposing on them, impose!! If they love you, they will prefer inconvenience over learning later that you were in pain and said nothing.

How to Learn: It’s true what they say, that teaching is the best way to learn. Your peers may not always welcome this– I was rather disliked in study groups for always explaining the answer, before I reined it in a bit (things were still awkward unfortunately! possibly for other reasons lol). Of course, other people’s jealousy isn’t your responsibility, and you may sow discord with your brilliance with my full blessing. If you’d rather not do that, my advice would be to become a tutor and/or TA in the subject(s) most important to you at your earliest convenience/whenever they allow you to. It really does make you an expert!

Humanities: They’re going to make you read a lot. Excessively, some might say! You’ll learn which readings are actually necessary to pore over, which ones you may skim, and which ones you may skip altogether. Please don’t feel guilty for not always doing all the reading! Almost no one does all of them. I didn’t even do all of them, and I was a stickler for Doing It Right.

Papers: my tricks are the Purdue OWL website (for brushing up on grammar, looking up how to do those goddamn finicky citation styles, seeing examples of finished papers in those styles), outlining, and rest time. Leaving time between drafts of a paper helps a lot! (that being said, I will be very surprised if you make it all the way through college without turning in at least a few first drafts. It’s not the end of the world, and if you’ve got a knack for it, the professors may not even know the difference! Very amusing). Reading through what you’ve written out loud also helps, however silly it may feel. It has to do with how your brain processes information, and hearing what you’ve written is different enough from seeing it that you’ll be more sensitive to errors and weirdnesses. 

STEM subjects: For these ones, it’s more important to do all the homework, because they may only give you one problem per concept. Be very literal about how you interpret things, that’s how folks in STEM usually expect you to think. Office hours are gold, if you can get them (and if the professor isn’t an ass). TAs are hit or miss. Readings are usually super important, relatively short, and can be read multiple times for more benefit.

General knowledge: Don’t forget to think critically! You’d think that’s all you’ll be doing, but in fact most professors only want you to regurgitate their own thoughts back to them. Very disappointing. However, that doesn’t have to stop you! You can always think: “Who benefits from this? What voices aren’t I hearing from in this story?” (even in STEM there are stories). “Why is this important?” In general, don’t stop asking questions! This is where I think true intelligence lies.

I’m sure you don’t need ALL of this advice– please don’t think I don’t think you know what you’re doing! I’m being a little over-cautious not because I don’t trust you but because if there’s any chance of my mistakes and accidental successes helping you do better than otherwise, I want to give all of them that opportunity. Kind of a shotgun approach!

All my love,

Autumn!

[actor-mark]

Ending and Recap

Hell folks! Marks mun here. Our ARG/Interactive Story is done and I want to thank everyone who came into the server and those of you who followed the blog along. Thank you so much for your interest in this and helping to tell this story. I wanted to put a proper and final close on things and to recap everything that happened for those who may have missed something. We are currently planning a new ARG and taking suggestions in the server, right now our top contender is a film noir eaque Abe based ARG perhaps a murder mystery or hunting Wilford down in one of their stories. Who knows! If youre interested in joinin the next one let us know! It wont be as limited as this one was and will allow folks to play canon characters too! So without further ado heres the recap ------------------ A strange invitation was floating by you, a flashy and eleborate dinner party at some fancy place named Mortem Manor. You thought nothing of it at first until you spotted your name in big golden writing upon it. A little odd but after picking it up you felt a pull to go to this place. Without even looking it up you seemed to know where it is and by the evening you were knocking on the door having traveled all the way there but with no real memory of the journey, all you knew was it took a long time to get there. Upon entering the manor you were greeted by the butler who encouraged you to make yourself at home, and then directed to the greeter named Allistair. An older gentleman that looked like he was two steps away from deaths door, shallow eyes and an eerie stare. He spoke not a word but took your coat and lead you to the current populated room be it the living room or the dining room or even outside. Here you met the other party goers, others who like you received an invitation from seemingly nowhere and all just as confused as you were. If youd been one of the firsts it was a few days before Mark, the owner of the manor, showed his face but shortly after those coming in would meet him right away or even be greeted at the door by him. Immediately Mark gave off bad vibes, too welcoming and easy to explode yet he seemed to do his best to stop that anger from happening. He tried his hardest to make sure each and every guest was comfortable, going out of his way to make comfy sofas and beds to be slept on...yes time was odd in this place... Breakfast was had at 9...though it was uncertain if this was 9am or 9pm it felt like much later. One particular guest seemed to have Marks full attention, so much so that other guests were now being completely ignored and it was clear this whole thing was purely for this one guest. A man going by the name of Light but really named Damien. This of course had Mark convinced that he was THE Damien. Sometime after lunch, the Butler, a suave and handsome man named Benjamin, went missing, with only one guest hearing what had happened and suspected hed been killed in Marks rage. The Maid, a blue haired young man in a skirt named Ethan, took over and was clearly running stressed at the work of two. Strange things were happening in this house, Light even seeing many of the dead in the upper hallway and getting trapped there for a while until Allistair came to silently rescue him. Now most certainly concerned about this place Light wanted nothing to do with the dinner that was sure to soon follow. By now many of the guests had noticed that the exterior of the house frequently changed with no real pattern, but it stopped for a long time in one particular garden with a small shed in the back. Taking the dogs Chica Henry and Spencer out into the yard with everyone Light did his beat to investigate that shed without Marks notice but the creak being too loud he opted out of it. Out of time Mark wuickly hurried everyone back inside but not before Light had discovered the house was in fact spinning on the spot. Having gotten stuck in one place before it changed once more with everyone safely back inside. Shortly after Light discovered that he could in fact slip between worlds, visiting the uoside down as easily as Mark could, but kept this information to himself. He challenged Mark to a game and won information. The exterior moves but why Mark didnt say. Mark in turn won a game through cheating and managed to have Light agree not to leave when the exterior "realigned" fortunately for Mark hed already tricked them into passing that opportunity by going outside with the dogs when it had already done so. At this point a new guest arrived by the name of Mr Sharp, otherwise known as The Phantom. A powerful spirit that had made a deal with Mark to buy this house. A house of the dead. Prior to his arrival at Mortem Manor, Phantom had been dealing with something of a nightmare. A previous ARG named Serverwatch had events leading up to the death of Darkiplier, however soon after its closure, Sharp had been dealing with an odd entity haunting him one that he had trouble seeing which made him curious. Before he could do much to contain it a nightmarish creature slendermanesque was stalking after him, and after finding a small green blood stone he was suddenly sent into the upside down and found himself at the manor. The trip had taken a huge toll on Sharp, going days without food water or sleep. Moving from March 30th to May 13th. He barely made it upstairs to a room when Light encountered him. Sharp gave Light the small green stone to keep safe from Mark. Light could even now hear two odd voices. One from the stone and another seeming to come from Sharp whenever he was close enough. Convinced to come to dinner Light helped Sharp downstairs but as they reached the inner hallway they came across Allistair. His eyes were glowing blue and he didnt seem himself. Surely enough Mark appeared demanding they move aside while Ethan aimed a shotgun. A Hollow is a corpse, reanimated and possesed by a spirit not belonging to that body and then the spirit flees it leaving only an empty shell. This shell still animated acts like a sombie but takes orders from those with a soul spirit. That someone being Mark. However Allistair seemed to have broken his bindings to Mark and before Mark could order Ethan to take the shot, Phantom was able to contain Allistair withing his cane. Annoyed by this mark left and before he too parted Ethan declared that there were many more Hollows. At this point Abe the Detective had arrived after someone supposedly called in about a murder (Ben) and Mark quickly deflated his accusations. Finally arriving at dinner the Chef had put on wuite the spread for them including Bread Rolls that soon became a server meme they were that good. Mark insisted that he had entertainment after dinner such as poker and a performance with himself as the starring role of course. Still confused Abe tucked in and conversations errupted about the past, especially since at some point somewhere Warfstache had also arrived and bestowed milkshakes to everyone at the table. Mark insisted that the old manor happenings had been a joke or a performance, a murder mystery. Clearly no harm had been done if they were all still here alive and well. Abe chose to believe him for now and Wilfords agile mind soaked it up like water to a sponge, just happy that his friends were all here and enjoying themselves over dinner. Once dinner was done, Mark led them to the poker room where they talked. Ever since taking the stone from Sharp it had been burning a hole in Lights pocket going hot then cold then hot again. Annoyed with Marks behavior, Light began picking at him for it. Maybe Celine wouldnt have left if hed been kinder, maybe Amy would like him if he wasnt such a prick. Mark stormed out and one of the guests took after him to make sure things were okay. Shortly after a gunshot rang out but not before Phantom fell asleep only to reveal hed been carrying Celine with him the entire time. Once The Phantom had passed out in his exhaustion Celine took over. Abe managed to help Celine find what Mark was hiding in the room then hurried out after Light. Light and Abe rushed to make sure that the guest was ok and oddly enough they were, Mark declared Abes gun, formly won from him in an upside down dice game Mark had again cheated at, had simply gone off in the drawer, even if there was no evidence. They were interrupted by the ground shaking as Celine broke what Mark had sealed away. Hurrying after Mark Abe Light and Wilford discovered a huge stage in the upside down where the poker room used to be. Its audience made up entirely of Hollows and the guests of the manor. Mark and Celine stared each other down before Celine hurled Sharps cane at him in an attempt to pierce his black dead heart. Mark wasnt falling for it again and caught the cane. A bad thing to happen. Phantoms cane contained the souls of thousands of powerful people. Magicians sorcerers demons anyone willing to make a contract. Now at Marks control. In an attempt to help Light stepped between them however the closer proximity to Celine had the stone in his pocket turn to lava temperatures and he quickly pulled it free. The stone... It was Damien. Light threw the stone to Celine but with the new power Mark caught it and floated it over to his own hand, crushing it with a vile laugh. Blue smoke seeping from the stone quickly made its way towards Light. In an attempt to stop Damien Mark began to draw his soul into the cane but was quickly stopped by a table cracked over his head from Celine. Connected with Light Damien took control and abandonning her current puppet of Phantom, Celine reunited with her brother taking the new form of Darkiplier and stealing the cane from Mark once more Mark grinned commanding his army of Hollows to attack, but Dark knew better. It was a sacrifice he knew, one that would have Phantom suffer for a long time but one that had to be made. He shattered the cane freeing the souls inside and each soul connected to a Hollow, breaking the hold Mark once had. In a fit of rage, Mark demanded his only remaining Hollow, Ethan, to incite a spell at the burial site of his old body, but Ethan too had broken control and instead of protecting him, burnt his body instead. The result caused a backdraft effect, black fire consuming the whole manor. With a final punch to the jaw from Abe, Mark went down. Dark ushered everyone out but Wilford made sure everyone of the guests made it out okay, even going back for the body of the guest who had indeed been shot by Mark. In his final moments Mark declared hed return laughing as his soul scattered into the black flames. Dark fled and Wilford warped Abe to somewhere in the Bahamas, getting a drink for them and then laughing out a "catch me if you can detective" Once the place had burnt to the ground the outside realigned again, the shed from the garden still standing. A dark and mysterious entity peering out before closjng the door again. Seems experiments were going to get interesting from here. ------ Again thank you everyone for joining, and thank you for reading! We hope to see you on our next adventure! - Mort/Mark

[simkjrs]

Got any imaginings for your various Izukus meeting one another? How would villain Deku react to BYGGUALOM Deku? To MSU Deku? (Assume villain!Deku figures out something is up with MSU!Deku so he doesn't just treat him as a regular civilian). Would BYGGUALOM!Deku and MSU!Deku end up commiserating over their mutual dislike of publicity if they met?

god… i do have some imaginings. i actually had this conversation with @salvainterra just like last week and it is probably the single most self indulgent and simultaneously gut busting conversation i’ve ever had. sorry everyone i’m like this, here’s the best parts of the conversations with all the keysmashes taken out

simkjrs: actually what needs to happen in this mysterious crossover between all my aus is two izukus vs the third izuku’s insecurities, cage match go

simkjrs: byggualom izuku makes a genuine effort to befriend villain!deku and be there for him, and msa izuku grudgingly acknowledges him as a friend, and villain!deku is immediately gone. just gone

pooch: between all three of them they cover such a wide variety of insecurities im losing it

pooch: oh man dude. dude.

pooch: they swap universes

simkjrs: oh 

simkjrs: no

pooch: i think villain deku frankly wouldnt be able to handle even just hitoki caring about and supporting him. this is deeply upsetting to think about simk. i regret this

pooch: MSA IZUKU ISNT EVEN ALIVE HES DISSOCIATED SO HARD HES SOMEWHERE OVER THE PACIFIC OCEAN MENTALLY

simkjrs: oh no

simkjrs: pooch. 

simkjrs: even disregarding mitoki absoltuely decimating villain!deku’s attempts to keep himself safe

simkjrs: have you considered the sheer DISASTER YOU’RE GOING TO GET WHEN YOU PUT MITOKI AND VILLAIN DEKU IN THE SAME ROOM MUCH LESS ADDING *HATSUME* TO THE MIX

pooch: GFHFHHDJN FUCK

simkjrs: THIS IS, WITHOUT A DOUBT, *THE* ACTUAL NIGHTMARE SCENARIO

pooch: WORLD DESTROYING!!!!!!!!! BYGGUALOM IZUKU COMES BACK AND THERES ABSOLUTELY JUST CHAOS

simkjrs: SOMEHOW EVERYTHING IS ALSO BETTER BUT ALSO IT’S COMPLETE CHAOS

pooch: that dude walking into a burnign building with pizza gif

simkjrs:

mitoki: it’s fine, izuku! nothing *important* is on fire! byggualom: the entire building is on fire villain!deku: exactly! 

pooch: IM LAUGHING THEYRE ENABLING EACH OTHER TO THE HIGHEST LEVEL!!!!! FUCK!!!!!!

pooch: byggualom izuku in msa verse: [wakes up in jail] Hm,

simkjrs: byggualom izuku, politely forcing the door open: hello. i believe there has been some sort of misunderstanding

pooch:  

byggualom izuku: [gives them a straight answer when they ask something]tsukauchi: eraserhead:byggualom izuku:tsukauchi: who are you and what have you done with your doppelgänger

simkjrs: wait but does this mean that

simkjrs: msa izuku has somehow, foudn himself, in villain!deku’s place

simkjrs: [finds himself in a world where he is constantly garnering attention and has a huge fan following] fuck

pooch: IM LAUGHIGN THIS IS HIS WORST NIGHTMARE

pooch: 

msa izuku:msa izuku: [climbs into closet] ill wait here as long as it fucking takes. goodbye

simkjrs: byggualom izuku figures out that somethings Up REAL QUICK and u know his vigilante ass is going to go investigatin, whether or not the law approves or not, so he casually breaks out of jail (“im sorry about the door!” he calls as he runs off) and investigates everything. extremely thoroughly

pooch: 

byggualom izuku: can i get a uhhhhhhhhhhh why am i in jail byevillain izuku: [sees texts from friends and associates] can i get a uhhhhhhhh what the fuck?msa izuku: [dead silence from closet. its been hours]

pooch: IM LAUGHINN G UNIVERSAL CONSTANT: JAILBREAKS

pooch: 

byggualom izuku: enters roomhis room: presumably covered in otherworldly runes byggualom izuku:byggualom izuku: am i in a cult

simkjrs: villain!izuku: [gets texts from 5 different ppl asking where he is and if he’s okay] i don’t like this

pooch: 

msa izuku: well at least im not in jailsomeone: [sees him, instantly calls police] someone else: [asks for autograph]msa izuku:

simkjrs: 

a hero: sir– msa izuku, without pause: –all this BULLSHIT about a SOCIAL MEDIA ACCOUNT, so i check the phone and look at this!! LOOK AT THIS!!! *shakes phone at hero* what kind of – self respecting alternate version of myself – would go out actively seeking trouble, what the *hell* – beleaguered hero: sir we’ve been standing here for half an hour now. please climb down and let us arrest you

simkjrs: at least msa izuku and villain!deku can always bond over their lockpicking and breaking&entering skills. trading tips

simkjrs: 

villain!deku: and that model of the lock means, that you can definitely fill it with glitter if you want to, but you have to be careful otherwise msa izuku: the only thing i care about doing to this lock other than unlockign it is breaking it

simkjrs: i feel sorry for msa izuku because he’s self aware enough to be going “oh my god. ohhhh my god. are we doing this again” whenever he pulls his own shit, whereas byggualom izuku and villain!deku are not, so although byggualom izuku occasionally helps msa izuku play straight man to villain!deku, ultimately it’s still msa izuku who ends up being the straight man to all of them. it is a difficult task

end notes: i know this post says it’s for ot3s but if you think about it very carefully the izukus actually slot perfectly into these three roles as well

this isn’t even getting into the sheer hilarity of dropping msa izuku straight into canon during the sports festival, right at the moment izuku wins first place in the race. which is actually such an incredibly funny concept that i am probably going to write it in the near future, at which point you can witness me pandering to myself, exclusively 

[trouvvaille]

Clams; Talk to your moirail.

brackishbarracuda [BB] began trolling lonelySeahorse [LS] at 5-44 AM BB- 3B* lonelySeahorse- Yesterday at 5-45 AM Hey u I uh I gotta talk to u brackishBarracuda- Yesterday at 5-46 AM well thats yeah aight whats up clams

lonelySeahorse- Today at 2-38 AM I miss my kids. Can we get them back... Please? Its too quiet. I wworry. I mean I'm sure dirk takes god care of them i just uh Need them So Yeah brackishBarracuda- Today at 2-56 AM i can bring em back to visit clams but look i know its quiet and it fucking sucks and i miss them too i still dont feel like theyre safe here love and no dirk dont do shit dave keeps em have you seen dirk with a kid its hilarious lonelySeahorse- Today at 6-41 AM I mean pike I dont doubt it but i wwant to see em Wwho are wwe hiding from noww I thought condy wwas not an issue anymore or somethin Is it sal brackishBarracuda- Today at 6-51 AM no shes still a fucking thing there were two problems but the orginal ones still there lonelySeahorse- Today at 6-51 AM godamnit howw about if wwe just movve not forevver brackishBarracuda- Today at 6-51 AM thats lonelySeahorse- Today at 6-51 AM but pike to loz's brackishBarracuda- Today at 6-52 AM love thats not the problem lonelySeahorse- Today at 6-52 AM or i knoww brackishBarracuda- Today at 6-52 AM she doesnt know where we are its me wanting to give fel and her fam someplace to go lonelySeahorse- Today at 6-52 AM i just wwant to put up solutions and feel like im helpin ZZ3B( brackishBarracuda- Today at 6-52 AM i could kiss you you know i kno its naut been easy bein with me lately or ever lonelySeahorse- Today at 6-53 AM some nights are easier than others <> the 24 hours after u cut off chos arm noww that was rough shit evverything else compared to that is pike cuttin through a cloud its just the fuckin brackishBarracuda- Today at 6-54 AM im sorry lonelySeahorse- Today at 6-54 AM its gamzee all the fuck ovver again u knoww what they say third times the charm brackishBarracuda- Today at 6-54 AM 3B( lonelySeahorse- Today at 6-54 AM ZZ3B* just kinda fuckin i unno i almost got enough of ur biolum for u to bathe in ivve started movvin them to one a the tanks ur gonna have to pike... sleep in it or just sit in there ww ur palmhusk and blog for hours ill uh join u if u wwant i dunno if the tank'd hold tho but i can put them in the big one if i take archie out lonelySeahorse- Today at 7-03 AM you uh you'll be okay u knoww its hard but you'll pull through it wwasn't ur fault you knoww that right i think i think u should spend some tide with kad u knoww they'll help u feel better brackishBarracuda- Today at 7-13 AM how the fuck wasnt it my fault clams i love you but the knife was in my hand lonelySeahorse- Today at 7-13 AM kads alwways good for a pickmeup did you knoww the knife wwas in ur hand brackishBarracuda- Today at 7-15 AM i remember picking it up lonelySeahorse- Today at 7-15 AM wwe are not responsible for our instincts they wwere responsible for aya and they hurt her and you hurt them in turn both of these wwere wwrong but neither more than the other both of them wwill scar and both of them are traumatized you wwere angry brackishBarracuda- Today at 7-18 AM stop making excuses for me lonelySeahorse- Today at 7-18 AM im not makin excuses for you it was everyones fault thats wwhat im tryin to get at cho was responsible for ayas wwellbein an they should not havve had her in the same room as a psion wwho couldn't control their powwers and you wwere supposed to do the right thing but you didn't you cut off their arm and ran awway and that is your fuckin fault but im not makin excuses for you because fuckin honestly at this point wwhat good is that shit going to do anyone you wwant to talk to them again? talk to vvis? sal? then you gotta fuckin accept that it wwas an accident and evvery single one a you wwas at fault, evven sal, evven vvis three fuckin adults in that house and not one a them coulda been wwatchin her wwith cho? bullshit its your fault but it ain't entirely yours either you knoww i havve nightmares about it and i wwasn't evven fuckin there howws that brackishBarracuda- Today at 7-22 AM what what are they about lonelySeahorse- Today at 7-22 AM that doesn't matter read wwhat i said abovve brackishBarracuda- Today at 7-22 AM it does i read it lonelySeahorse- Today at 7-22 AM yeah why brackishBarracuda- Today at 7-22 AM this matters lonelySeahorse- Today at 7-23 AM whys it matter to you so you can beat yourself up more aboat it? brackishBarracuda- Today at 7-23 AM whys it matter to me clams i am your fucking moirail it matters please lonelySeahorse- Today at 7-32 AM and as your owwn moirail i don't think you should beat yourself up ovver nightmares i havve caused by things that wwere your fault because i knoww you wwill and i don't wwant that y you got enough on your plate brackishBarracuda- Today at 7-33 AM baby please lonelySeahorse- Today at 7-33 AM tell me wwhy you're insecure then i wwill brackishBarracuda- Today at 7-33 AM which part lonelySeahorse- Today at 7-33 AM in general wwhy are you so insecure about yourself you hurt someone big fuckin wwhoop you bleww up your planet and you didn't really care about cho anywway you tried to i knoww but you didn't is it just because you lost sal? because you think you'vve lost vvis? brackishBarracuda- Today at 7-35 AM i am trying to be better clams and yes its because of that lonelySeahorse- Today at 7-35 AM once upon a time you told me u lovved me just as i am hemoism and all brackishBarracuda- Today at 7-35 AM i dont loose people well lonelySeahorse- Today at 7-35 AM and im here to tell you the same fuckin thing i dont care if u cut off my owwn fuckin arm i wwill lovve you until the day my essence dissolvves into nothing and i cease to havve the capacity to hold lovve in my soul i lovve you regardless of wwhat you do wwhose arm you chop off wwho you lose or wwhy you lose them i lovve you meen not wwhat you do or wwhat you say but because of wwho you fuckin are a free thinker wwho doesn't hold back, wwho wwould dance in the moonlight wwith her girlfriends, wwho tells people they're pretty af and means it wwithout it bein empty. ur home to me evven if you become someone you dislike you don't need to change and be "better" for me to like u i already like you vis already likes you sal liked you and so did chosis yes there are things you can improvve yes there are things you can't improvve but here and noww wwith all your insecurities and wwhen you falter, wwhen ur candle is loww, i am still here for you and don't u fuckin forget it i am your moirail and eridan fuckin ampora aight and i am right fuckin pale for the roughest, prettiest diamond i'vve evver fuckin seen brackishBarracuda- Today at 7-40 AM i love you lonelySeahorse- Today at 7-42 AM noww about those nightmares its really quite simple vvis has nightmares if wwe're sleepin at the same time wwe share em thats it thats the wwhole explanation brackishBarracuda- Today at 7-43 AM do you know what those are about or look i just want to know where hes viewin himself in relation okay is just me being dangerous is it him just watchin is it him eelin like he could have stopped me and cant like i dont care what it is i just want to know lonelySeahorse- Today at 7-44 AM hes conflicted because he lovves both of you and he thinks you hold animosity towwards him if he showws too much support for chosis and not for you thats wwhat i can glean the recurrin theme is the classic "choice" dream u knoww u can only Savve One an all that chos his kurloz, lovve, pike i don't know if you get it more wwhen i put it that wway or its pike if i personally chopped off loz's arm wwhile you wwatched thats just howw he feels an it's basically just that he doesn't fuckin knoww howw to feel i think he just needs time but thats my fuckin answer to evverythin brackishBarracuda- Today at 7-47 AM fuck lonelySeahorse- Today at 7-47 AM does that put it into more perspectivve or brackishBarracuda- Today at 7-48 AM yeah actually i fuck lonelySeahorse- Today at 7-48 AM yeah yeah im glad that helps brackishBarracuda- Today at 7-50 AM clams what have i fucking done lonelySeahorse- Today at 7-53 AM you chopped off the arm of your inclade, your moirails matesprit, wwho he has twwo eggs wwith and plans to swwap rings wwith, in defense of said matesprit's negligance towwards your owwn child wwith your dead matesprit, wwhich resulted in possibly lifelong scarrin and trauma due to their said negligance defense? offense somethin pike that you uh also faught ur best friend and bloodied him up a bit and noww he doesn't wwant to speak wwith you i guess thats wworth mentionin i mean if u ask me sal and u needed a break anywway brackishBarracuda- Today at 7-55 AM i dont like breaks clams i like fixing shit or getting it over with i like shit in the air not festering i like honest real fucking answers and not hiding behind shit and lying to yourself and im fucked lonelySeahorse- Today at 7-56 AM okay so u knoww howw i compared chosis to kurloz there right, for vvis noww i need you to think a me or actually think a kad if u cut off kads arm and lil sal wwas there wwatchin an the twwo a you fought brackishBarracuda- Today at 7-57 AM i wouldnt be alive clams lonelySeahorse- Today at 7-57 AM see to me that says sal still fuckin lovves you brackishBarracuda- Today at 7-58 AM he shouldnt lonelySeahorse- Today at 7-58 AM no he shouldn't but he does evven if he aint realize it yet he just needs time maybe you could send him a couple of anon asks to see howw he feels about it evveryonce in a wwhile brackishBarracuda- Today at 7-59 AM he doesnt deserve the shit i bring to his doorstep clams he deserves people who are gonna make him happy and that aint been me for a while lonelySeahorse- Today at 8-01 AM then i guess u got an oppurtunity here but u gotta ask urself howw happy is he gonna be wwith you gone howw happy are you gonna be wwith him gone the twwo a you are older than me and you you do fuckin realize that right pike you'vve been together since before u evven met me hell probs before rez or fangs or around that time he's the only one left besides cro and tuna wwho knowws You so if you wwant to leavve him thats up to you he's already made his choice but i fuckin promise you in twwo months he's gonna be wwaitin to see if you'll try to get back in his life and fuckin honestly i'd be disappointed if you didn't an he wwould be too and you fuckin knoww it don't kid urself howw many times has he hurt us howw many fuckin times has he hurt me put vvis through a wwall broke my nose gavve you scars but howw many times did he come back, huh or helped you evven if u twwo wwere havvin trouble you think a that brackishBarracuda- Today at 8-06 AM i miss him i miss who we were lonelySeahorse- Today at 8-06 AM wwhen did it change wwhat happened wwhy brackishBarracuda- Today at 8-06 AM i dont know i dont fucking know lonelySeahorse- Today at 8-07 AM i do you wwant to knoww? brackishBarracuda- Today at 8-07 AM why naut lonelySeahorse- Today at 8-07 AM wwhen he finally stopped puttin you up on that pedestal wwhen he finally had to come to grips wwith the fact u wweren't and are not perfect wwhen he finally had to fuckin realize that you are not his rescuer but his friend he put u up on a throne and u didn't wwant it and he couldn't see that and evvery single fuckin time you twwo fought it wwas because u didn't see eye to eye because you wwere still twwenty feet abovve him, to him cho thought it too wwe wwere talkin they said sal wwas upset because "he lost his rock" an i said buddy if u think meenah wwas his rock ur wwrong" because u wweren't and if u think that you're wwrong a rope throwwn to him maybe givven him hope givven him a friend but somethin to hold onto wwhen the lights go out nah u wwere his lighthouse like u are mine you light the wway but he doesn't cling to u wwith his problems he clings to cho and YOU fuckin knoww that and you need to stop thinkin that cho isn't fuckin wworthy or somethin of bein sals moirail an also simultaneously thinkin that u gotta measure up to chosis wwith sal are you pale for salinx? no? then you ain't gotta brackishBarracuda- Today at 8-12 AM i was once i know you remember lonelySeahorse- Today at 8-12 AM yeah and i wwas flushed for u once too its hard to stop those feelins but u just gotta grit ur teeth and go at it brackishBarracuda- Today at 8-13 AM i mean im naut anymore but yeah lonelySeahorse- Today at 8-14 AM just in case, i gotta say it stop bein fuckin envious of wwhat they got an the fact that sal is tellin cho evverythin an not u brackishBarracuda- Today at 8-15 AM i fucking hate myself for it but i cant even tell you youre fucking wrong lonelySeahorse- Today at 8-19 AM i knoww just you knoww stop it nerd <> brackishBarracuda- Today at 8-19 AM look they werent fucking worthy when i met them just to be straight with you lonelySeahorse- Today at 8-19 AM but you aint givven them the chance since u think i dont knoww that they bruised me, pushed me ovver brackishBarracuda- Today at 8-20 AM im naut done lonelySeahorse- Today at 8-20 AM aight im wwaitin tho brackishBarracuda- Today at 8-22 AM chosis wasnt shit when i met them but if i can stand back away from my own shit for two seconds theyve grown a hell of a lot they grew into it which idk is probably the point or something just cause i couldnt sea it and i can admit that to you but trying to say that to anybody else pisses me off ive got problems the point im making is that they arent a bad kid and clearly they take decent fuckin care a sally an sal them i was just idk i reely dont like thinking aboat this lonelySeahorse- Today at 8-26 AM yeah wwhale suck it up and talk to me about it ZZ3B\ brackishBarracuda- Today at 8-27 AM ive p much made my point theyre betta than they were and im recognizing that ive known that for a while lonelySeahorse- Today at 8-27 AM but u still assumed they wwere the one wwho hurt aya brackishBarracuda- Today at 8-28 AM when i got there there was all of two people and i knew it was sal i jumped to a conclusion an it was the wrong one lonelySeahorse- Today at 8-29 AM yeah but u wwere alwwavves more heart than head brackishBarracuda- Today at 8-30 AM yeah for betta oar worse lonelySeahorse- Today at 8-31 AM this just happens to be one a the wworse ... you'll be okay and so wwill sal, and so wwill cho, and so wwill vvis, and aya too it just takes time an lovve an determination don't givve up on them aight? lovve u <> brackishBarracuda- Today at 8-32 AM i love you too <> just so fucking much clams lonelySeahorse- Today at 8-32 AM ZZ3B* brackishBarracuda- Today at 8-33 AM i couldnt tell you if i tried you are my rock you know no pedestal no rope no lighthouse lonelySeahorse- Today at 8-37 AM yeah i do brackishBarracuda- Today at 8-37 AM youre my rock lonelySeahorse- Today at 8-37 AM ur my rock and my lighthouse brackishBarracuda- Today at 8-37 AM where i build home lonelySeahorse- Today at 8-37 AM ur my evverythin ... what are u gonna do brackishBarracuda - Today at 8:41 AM whatever i have to lonelySeahorse- Today at 8:42 AM yeah? brackishBarracuda - Today at 8:46 AM as fuckin always lonelySeahorse - Today at 8:47 AM come on more than that brackishBarracuda- Today at 8:49 AM i dont know clams but im naut givin up lonelySeahorse- Today at 8:49 AM good <> brackishBarracuda - Today at 8:50 AM <>

[swampgallows]

something inside me has been killing me for years and i can’t pinpoint what it is and i don’t know how to make it stop.

i guess i could have been working all of this time. i’ve wasted a lot of time since i stopped working. i told my parents i was going to be working on my writing and my art and my DJing and i have barely done any of that. i havent been able to write my next chapter for months. nothing has come to me. and the story is a stupid fanfiction so it’s not really worth anything, it’s not like i’m working on the next great american novel or whatever. i havent finished the illustrations i wanted to do for my zine so i haven’t released that yet either. im barely scraping by on gift art. it took me 5 months to order the lathe cut for myself but i did finally do -that-. and im barely on the second section of coding. everything feels so difficult and i can’t focus on a single thing at a time. i’ve been trying to figure my life out but all of my avenues seem empty.

last night i thought if i could pretend to be someone else that wanted to take care of me, i would be able to take care of myself. after an entire day of not eating, around 1am i guess i finally got something to eat. i’d had “drinkable yogurt” earlier but this was actually semi-solid food i was making. soup and grilled cheese. i spent enough time outside with the dog that i got a little chilled and figured i’d have that. nothing sounded appetizing. as i was sitting outside with xena i kept seeing things move and flash in the night and froze up with terror. they werent real, of course, but i saw them anyway. little spirit beasts flitting through the darkness.

i’ve been trying to keep my head above water. part of me knows that i really wouldnt be able to have kept working. i would have snapped at somebody or been Too Ill. i would have shown too much, the non-professional me. there is no professional me. i feel like no matter how hard i’d try, even if i wanted to, i would always be tangentially askew from the pulsing Thing to which everyone else is tied. i cannot ever be part of this Thing that everyone else is part of. I dont think it’s the kind of thing that dropping E and suddenly feeling the Unity or whatever will solve. i dont think a rush of endorphins will make me feel like i belong to society. i feel like i am a liminal entity and i have to exist in an in-between state or i will cease to exist at all. i dont fully know what i mean by that except that i feel like i must always be on my way somewhere. i would rush out of work and class and anywhere else, i walk anywhere i can and listen to music and check out mentally and physically from everything else. i live in my head where it is safe, and that is not safe. the internet is almost like a real version of this; existing as a liminal, safe, curated Self, a self away from the self, a place detached from my body and lifestyle and anything else. its a great equalizer where everybody has a say no matter where or who they are. 

i have written for over ten years now that i want to run away. i suppose i want to run away from myself but i’m not sure how true that is anymore. i dont know where i want to go. i have no destinations. just “away”.  i’ve been wanting to go to rotterdam for half of my life. i had always wanted to travel, of course, but there was never anything i wanted to actually do or see except to one day go to the netherlands and go to a nightmare in rotterdam or something like that, and now it’s finally happening. and it’s bigger than Nightmare, it’s THUNDERDOME. i never thought i would have the chance to go to a Thunderdome party in my lifetime but i’m alive and it’s happening and it’s like i cant even envision what i want to do or anything. i just want to get there, and be there, and exist in a place that isn’t here, and look at clouds, and smell different air, and see different buildings, and then dance my balls off all night to some really, really, really great music. this should feel like my wedding day but instead i just feel ...hard. i feel like i dont deserve it, or like it’s not actually going to happen, or like i will just ruin everything, or that somebody else will. 

nate was talking to me about all of these self-started self-accomplished people he’s been hanging out with and how he feels so pressured by their sheer level of success. he is also self-made and successful but feels like he’s supposed to be even more so. i dont know if i want success. i dont have anything to succeed at. 

my friend, who is an older friend but i had to keep at arm’s length a while, has come back into my life recently to help me with coding. granted, he’s drunk 99% of the time he talks to me, but he’s at least trying to encourage me to stick with it. he always wants to voice chat with me but i usually dont have the energy, or i’m doing something else. he keeps telling me about all the success i could have—”it's a journey but it's well worth it, and it's just a topic that you'll never exhaust as long as you live, which is true of the best topics worthy of devoting time to, and you're super smart, you'll have no issue with this -- just keep it up over a couple of years, just chipping away at it, and the career that's ahead of you could be so interesting”—and i feel like i just... don’t care. about any of it. about anything. sure i’d like to make/have a lot of money, i guess, just to keep my comforts. but then what? im living with my parents who i know actually do care about me, but don’t seem to, or just “support” me. 

when i finally got up the courage? stamina? delusion? to pretend to be someone else and grill me a cheese, i was feeling a little okay. i was feeling proud that i took initiative to at least fucking feed myself, since i barely seem capable of doing that. i was keeping up steam until i heard my mom crying from another room, “Where’s my baby girl? is that my baby?” and i knew she wasnt talking about the dog, and my heart dropped through my chest and i just wanted to die. “What do you want?” i snipped, trying to answer her but unable to hide my contempt apparently. “I just wanted to see you” or some such shit, i dont even remember what she said. “can i help with anything?” no “may i hug you?” (at least she asked) i don’t want to be hugged right now. “okay. im sorry you’re so unha--that youre not feeling good--- i hope you feel better...” and she hobbled away.

it was like 130 in the morning and i was standing over “45 calorie” wheat bread that had been thawed. my illusion of being someone that i was not—someone who gave a shit about me—was broken, and i felt like a fucking idiot, and i felt caught in the act of pretending, and i felt embarrassed, and i felt like... how dare i try to be something im not. how dare i imagine for even a fucking moment that im not genetically and financially and whatever the fuck else chained to this fucking family and all of my inherited neuroses and everything else. that she made an appearance specifically to disrupt whatever the fuck it was i was doing. because she had offered to cook me a thousand things and i didnt want any of them, and i didnt want her to take care of me, because im never going to be able to take care of myself, and when i finally took a course of action to actually try to feed myself my mom couldnt STAND it, apparently, and had to, still, offer to “help” when im MICROWAVING A CAN OF SOUP AND PUTTING BREAD ON A PAN. how could she HELP? she couldnt. she just had to fucking make her presence there because god forbid i do a single fucking thing on my own. i’m... 27 years old... for christ’s sake... i dont need “supervision” to toast some kraft singles onto bread... and if i did, i would ask.

or maybe i wouldnt. im not good at asking for help. even when i know i need it. i dont like owing people things or asking for favors. it just proves how worthless i am and that im dependent on other people and cant do anything by myself and that anything i do by myself fucks up. at least if i fuck up whatever it is i’m doing i wont have to drag anybody else into it. 

so i finally ate and after a few hours of cramps and being unable to even eat without feeling like i was gonna throw up, i spent like an hour in the bathroom regardless, immediately purging whatever it was i dared to eat. 

i dont know how to get better. part of me is afraid of getting better. if i have a good thing it will just be ruined. all i do is hold people back and im tired of getting in people’s way. im tired of making a bunch of wrong decisions and then half the time not even being able to own them. im tired of feeling like life is just happening to me and knowing that i dont have control over anything.