#< new one for when i myself write image ids

[peridots-pixiwolf]

been forever since i posted any art here so. wheat field i drew as a tribute after finishing portal 2 three months ago upon you all :]

[Start ID. A sketch-like, pixellated rendering of the seemingly endless wheat field at the end of Portal 2. The wheat is golden with harvest, and stretches out to fill the entire lower third of the frame, the sky is a deeper blue and dense with far-off clouds. Uncountable rows of almost-parallel lines, some much on the shorter side and others long and sweeping, shade and highlight the grasses, give texture to the sky and clouds, and halo the sun at the top center. Each of the four blues that make up the sky are the exact inverse of an orange tone in the field, and vice versa. End ID)

[Start ID. An edited version of the previous, wherein the transparency in the sun has been filled in with white and the sky with blue. An obvious filter has been overlayed which makes the whole piece look vertically striated, like the effect of an old computer or console screen, darkening it overall and creating odd tinges of red, green and magenta in some spots. End ID.]

[anistarrose]

I want to make my posts more accessible, but can't write IDs myself: a guide

[Plain text: "I want to make my posts more accessible, but can't write IDs myself: a guide." End plain text.]

While every image posted online should be accessible in an ideal world, we all know it 1) takes time to learn how to write image descriptions, and 2) is easy to run out of spoons with which to write IDs. And this says nothing of disabilities that make writing them more challenging, if not impossible — especially if you're a person who benefits from IDs yourself.

There are resources for learning how to write them (and if you already know the basics, I'd like to highlight this good advice for avoiding burnout) — but for anyone who cannot write IDs on their original posts at any current or future moment, for any reason, then there are two good options for posting on Tumblr.

1. Crowdsource IDs through the People's Accessibility Discord

[Plain text: "1. Crowdsource IDs through the People's Accessibility Discord". End plain text.]

The People's Accessibility Discord is a community that volunteers description-writing (and transcript-writing, translation, etc) for people who can't do so themselves, or feel overwhelmed trying to do so. Invite link here (please let me know if the link breaks!)

The way it works is simple: if you're planning to make an original post — posting art, for example — and don't know how to describe it, you can share the image there first with a request for a description, and someone will likely be able to volunteer one.

The clear upside here (other than being able to get multiple people's input, which is also nice) is that you can do this before making the Tumblr post. By having the description to include in your post from the start, you can guarantee that no inaccessible version of the post will be circulated.

You can also get opinions on whether a post needs to be tagged for flashing or eyestrain — just be able to spoiler tag the image or gif you're posting, if you think it might be a concern. (Also, refer here for info on how to word those tags.)

The server is very chill and focused on helping/answering questions, but if social anxiety is too much of a barrier to joining, or you can't use Discord for whatever reason, then you can instead do the following:

2. Ask for help on Tumblr, and update the post afterwards

[Plain text: "Ask for help on Tumblr, and update the post afterwards". End description.]

Myself and a lot of other people who describe posts on this site are extra happy to provide a description if OP asks for help with one! This does leave the post inaccessible at first, so to minimize the drawbacks, the best procedure for posting an image you can't fully describe would be as follows:

Create the tumblr post with the most bare-bones description you can manage, no matter how simple (something like "ID: fanart of X character from Y. End ID" or "ID: a watercolor painting. End ID," or literally whatever you can manage)

Use a tool like Google Lens or OCR to extract text if applicable and if you have the energy, even if the text isn't a full image description (ideally also double-check the transcriptions, because they're not always perfect)

Write in the body of the post that you'd appreciate a more detailed description in the notes!

Tag the post as "undescribed" and/or "no id" only if you feel your current, bare-bones description is missing out on a lot of important context

When you post it and someone provides an ID, edit the ID into the original post (don't use read mores, italics, or small text)

Remove the undescribed tag, if applicable. If you're posting original art, you can even replace it with a tag like "accessible art" for visibility!

And congrats! You now have a described post that more people will be able to appreciate, and you should certainly feel free to self-reblog to give a boost to the new version!

[copperbadge]

[ID: A screengrab of an app, with the heading "2024"; beneath the heading is an image of a grid decorated to look like a grassy field, covered with little digital plants such as trees, cacti, and toadstools. In the corner is a count of the plants, 117, and also the number one to indicate one real tree has been planted.]

Duolingo, for all its faults, has been really helpful for learning Italian, because it gamifies it exactly at the level I want. But it's also stalled in terms of what it can teach me; I've completed all the modules and it has started to become simply repetitive drilling. I decided I'd go off the paid subscription when the year is up, because I can do flashcards and translation on my own, and I wanted to find new ways to gamify that so that I would keep at it.

Enter Forest! When you want to focus on something, you open the app, set the amount of time you want to focus, and "plant" the timer. It basically locks your phone to a handful of apps (you can select which ones) so that you either have to focus outside of your phone, or focus on the apps you've allowed. If you successfully spend the entire time without "cancelling" the plant, it gets added to the grid. It also awards you coins which you can use to buy new kinds of plants, but slowly enough that you have to work a little for them. There's also a "friends" function where you can friend and compete with others, although I haven't explored that yet.

For me it's useful because it locks me out of stuff I shouldn't deal with while I'm studying, preventing me from, for example, feeling guilty that I haven't responded to a text immediately. It also gives me a little dopamine hit when my plant grows successfully, and unlike some other apps I looked at, once your plant has grown, you don't have to do anything further -- there's no maintenance, per se, which keeps it from getting overwhelming. It's primarily useful to me as a way of rewarding myself for doing something daily, which I will need once I'm not getting night owl chests and streak rewards from Duolingo. I've been on Forest long enough now that I know it'll work for me so I thought I'd recommend it.

Forest has a free version, but a lot of the features I wanted (custom tags, the ability to create a library of favorite settings, etc) were only in the paid version. That was a bummer until I looked at the cost of the paid version which was literally a one-time payment of $3. So I paid the $3 and honestly, more than worth it.

I use it for everything from locking me down while I'm doing my ADHD video game to timing how long I spend on writing and crafts to rewarding myself for doing my Italian lessons and breathing meditation.

[shadamyheadcanons]

Who would be the first to confess? Or the first to realize their feelings?

I’m of two minds on this. In my experience, the more common concept is “Shadow falls first, Amy falls harder.” This Twitter thread sums up the trope very well:

[Image ID: a screenshot of a tweet by user absolutesilly on April 17th, 2023 that reads, “it’s important to me that the “A fell first, B fell harder” trope ISN’T about B loving A more. it’s about A spending a long time just getting used to having this (seemingly) hopeless pining going on in the background 24/7, while B is just. hit by a truck with it all of a sudden.

fell first: been suppressing their emotions for so long that it’s like white noise to them. always there but mostly manageable. a bruise that only hurts when you press on it

fell harder: if We Don’t Get Married Tomorrow I’m Gonna Start Biting People” /.End ID]

And I don’t think I even have to clarify which one’s which. Shadow’s love is quiet and intense. He’s loyal and devoted. His affection is usually of the slow-burn variety. He hasn’t had any canonical crushes so far, but you can see it in his familial/platonic love for those he cares about. It’s natural to assume romance would be the same way.

And falling hard and fast is what Amy does. Need I mention Sonic? And her desire for marriage?

“Shadow has a crush on Amy for months/years until he suddenly sweeps her off her feet” is common for a reason. I’ve written plenty of it myself, including multiple WIPs. It was how I saw these two for a very long time, and there’s no denying that it’s compelling and in-character. If I were writing a shadamy-esque relationship in a movie, I’d write them that way.

HOWEVER...

I don’t think game canon is following that trajectory.

Under the cut: lots of ranting and images/hints, both old and new. You’ll recognize a lot of this if you’ve read my meta analysis posts, particularly why I ship them, how they’d resolve their arguments, and my feelings on TMOSTH. There’s a tl;dr and relevant headcanon at the end.

In my opinion, “Amy falls for Shadow later” doesn’t quite jive with canon because I think there’s ample evidence to suggest she already has a crush on him. It’s not as strong or obvious as the one she has on Sonic yet, but it’s there, just a little. To make a long story short:

She doesn’t look at someone like this...

[Shadow the Hedgehog 2005]

unless she has a crush on them:

[Sonic CD]

She doesn’t go out of her way to seek someone out this fervently...

[Sonic Battle]

...unless she has a crush on them:

[Sonic X]

She doesn’t insist on bringing someone along like this...

[The Murder of Sonic the Hedgehog]

unless she has a crush on them:

Wallpaper posted on Sonic Channel 2/22/21. Art by Yuji Uekawa

One fun aspect of all of this is that the social media team seems to agree with me and keeps noticeably leaning into it. The Twitter Takeovers obviously aren’t canon and I’m not putting those in the “evidence” pile, but it’s cute how they keep having Amy act flustered about her feelings regarding him, and it’s definitely not something I’m imagining this time. It’s most obvious at 18:14 here:

The gushing, the stuttering...it’s obvious what they’re implying. Cindy Robinson’s very convincing at sounding smitten with him, which isn’t surprising considering her feelings on shadamy:

The question before that one in the Takeover arguably counts, too, and the social media team was primarily in charge of The Murder of Sonic the Hedgehog, after all. This is consistent for them. There are plenty of other bits and pieces from them and the not-so-subtle marketing team these days, but I’d be ranting like a conspiracist and hunting down links all day if I got started on those.

^ Me at 2am.

I bring this up not just because it’s fun, but also to prove I’m not the only one who sees it. It’s definitely there, and it always makes me wonder what would’ve happened if she’d met Shadow first instead of Sonic. Would her little crush on Shadow have become the primary one if he’d entered her life first? Would we see this kind of thing all the time if Shadow were the protagonist?

[IDW issue 59]

Yes

We’ll never know, I guess! 🙃

Regardless, she met Sonic first, so her attention is...divided. She’s usually in-tune with her emotions, so even though her outlook on love is tinted somewhat by hero worship, I do think she’d figure out she had feelings for Shadow if her crush on Sonic were sidelined. As she got to know him better, she’d find even more things to love about him, and before long, she’d be hooked.

For Shadow’s part, it’s pretty clear to anyone who’s paying attention that he has a soft spot for her of some kind. In my experience, even non-shadamy fans will usually agree with this if asked. And why wouldn’t they?

1. He let her hug him and see him cry in SA2, then saved the world because she asked him to. There’s a reason fans hate it whenever Amy’s elevator speech at the end of SA2 is put in someone else’s mouth. It’s just not believable that he’d save the world for anyone else--not Sonic, not Chris Thorndyke--because the gentleness isn’t there for anyone but her. That had to be built and proven.

2. She inspired yet another heel-turn of his in the conspicuously-named “Miracle of Love” route in ShTH where “bad boy” Shadow ditches Black Doom to help her, resulting in a hero classification.

I think we undersell how big of a deal this is. For those who aren’t too familiar with Shadow the Hedgehog (2005), that story route starts out with Shadow ignoring Sonic and...*checks notes*...defeating fifty G.U.N. soldiers? The mission says “defeat,” not “kill.” But Black Doom says “finish off those soldiers,” “destroy them all,” “exterminate,” and “annihilate.” In a game where you’re explicitly encouraged to use firearms. On human soldiers. So this Shadow quite possibly has a significant body count by the end of the level, and then he immediately snubs Rouge to destroy Earth’s digital highway system. There’s a reason he can’t get a hero ending past that point if he doesn’t help Amy. Just like in SA2, she’s the only one left who can turn him into a hero. She speedruns his redemption with one jaunt through a haunted castle. This is the sequence:

[Source]

The way he trails off at, “I didn’t have any reason to help her, but since I was looking for the doctor anyway, I figured...” stands out, like he’d forgotten how good of a person he can be.

This brief Twitter thread summarizes the events in a much funnier way than I can:

3. The Murder of Sonic the Hedgehog is the most recent and blatant example. Goes to a party. Dresses up in a silly outfit. Embarrasses himself to get her a thoughtful gift. Agrees to go to a concert for a band he can’t stand just to make her happy. I don’t think I even need to explain this one, but if you want to see me do so anyway, here’s that link again.

4. In Team Sonic Racing, he’s sweet to her when they’re on the same team...

...and he’s borderline flirtatious when they’re on opposing teams. ;)

His lines are delivered in a snarky, teasing way, especially when he calls her cute, and she’s matching that competitive banter.

[Source: this Twitter thread by MeliCross22:

Absolutely worth a read, and it includes links to the lines so you can actually hear them.]

The question is whether his soft spot is romantic in nature, and as biased as I am...I don’t buy it. In the first two, she’s just reminding him of who he is by calling to mind his memories of Maria, and “Miracle of Love” isn’t meant in a romantic way. Likewise, in TMOSTH, it’s extremely sweet of him and he wouldn’t do that for anyone else, but it’s still not inherently romantic. TSR is less cut-and-dried. It could be flirtation, but it could also just be the race stoking their competitive spirits. It’s also just a side game, and while it’s still canon, I don’t know if Sega would put that kind of dynamic between them in the main series. It could be a case of the TSR writers being secret shadamy fans who are tossing us crumbs, but it could also just be them mixing it up so there isn’t yet another instance of Amy saying variations of “Sorry, but I’m in it to win it!” every time she hits someone with an item. Trust me, it gets old.

Canonically, I don’t see Shadow as being romantically interested in anyone to a significant extent at the moment, Amy included. He’s been too focused on his past, his identity crisis, the alien invasion, etc. I don’t think there’ll really be room for romance in his life until he fully makes peace with his trauma. This moment at the end of his game...

...just doesn’t do that. Shadow Dark Beginnings has made it abundantly clear that he hasn’t moved on.

And this is where Amy comes in, because I think she’s the ideal person for the job.

Sega seems to pivot back and forth between “Shadow has no friends” and “Shadow has two friends, but he even keeps them at a distance sometimes.” Without people in his life who are willing to reach out, he withdraws, and it’s really not good for him. A lot of fans feel he’s hesitant to bond with others because no one else is immortal and he knows how painful loss is. It’s not explicitly stated, but it’s consistent with his behavior. Isolating himself is easy. It’s safe. It’s something he can control.

But it’s not sustainable.

He needs love. He needs it so much. It’s his very purpose, in the most literal sense. Maria said it best in episode 2 of Dark Beginnings:

“You have a big heart! It may be difficult for you to express it, but I know that deep down you really do care. About me. About everyone! What you do is what defines you. I know you’re having a hard time finding answers, but I’m certain you will one day. Then, you’ll find even more people you can trust.”

^ This is what I mean when I say Maria would love Amy. Amy’s the only other character who feels love as deeply as Shadow does, the only one who could fully understand, and she just so happens to be a clingy girl who’ll reach out to anyone, even people who think they want to be left alone. It’s baffling that Sega basically hasn’t let them interact for two decades because she absolutely would insist on befriending him.

Shadow hides, but Amy chases. She loves a challenge and doesn’t shy away if she feels she belongs with someone, even if that person runs. If she decided Sonic wasn’t right for her, I think it’s only natural that she’d pursue Shadow given her obvious fondness for him. The only difference is that when someone chases Shadow, he doesn’t run. He clings. He clung to Maria, he clung to Team Dark, and he’d cling to her, too, and I don’t think he’d stand a chance against her charm from there. He’s a romantic in his own way, and that soft spot of his would turn rose-tinted in a heartbeat. If there’s anyone who could convince him that love is worth it, it’d be her; I highly doubt she’d regret her past love of Sonic, and if he thought about it, I don’t think he’d regret his attachment to Maria, either. Amy told him the people of Earth deserved a chance to be happy. Now he lives on Earth with her. Couldn’t she convince him that he deserves that chance, too?

And if he hesitated and tried to ignore his feelings for Amy, I could see Rouge stepping in to kick him in the right direction. It wouldn’t be the first time she talked some sense into him for the sake of his own happiness:

[IDW issue 36]

tl;dr: Amy already likes Shadow. If she spent more time with him, those feelings would grow, and it wouldn’t be long before she’d be pursuing him in earnest. With her talent for breaking down barriers and his existing soft spot for her, it wouldn’t be a very long chase.

This headcanon is the one that I think portrays it best. I don’t think I’ll ever fully stop writing Shadow Falls First, Amy Falls Harder because it’s so damn compelling, but I love this interpretation, too, and it lines up too well with canon to ignore.

[see-arcane]

A message to all the assorted unscrupulous undead: Beware the Ides of March.

To everyone else: Grab your kukri blades, your bowie knives, your stakes, your bone saws, and whatever else you have on hand to appropriately accessorize with your new copy of The Vampyres.

The book is out! Loose! Running rampant and bloodstained through the terrains of eBook and paperback alike!

My beautiful little baby, toddling into the literary world to deliver havoc unto the dastardly bastards of the revenant realm. I’m so proud. (And so happy to feel the stress headache finally start to crack.)

Now that The Vampyres is out in the open, a brief FAQ under the cut:

Where can I get the eBook?

Check out the Universal Book Link (UBL) here:

It’ll show you all the places you can grab a virtual vampyre by the throat.

Where can I get the paperback?

For folks in ‘murrica, I’d say hit up Bookshop.org to go and grab it from your physical store of choice:

You can also just search The Vampyres C.R. Kane and see the waterfall of options. Not sure of the exact timeline, but it should be more widely available in the coming weeks. At least hereabouts:

Pictured: Places to potentially purchase a paperback.

Can I get it at my library?

If you ask for it, yes! You’ll need the ISBNs when filling out your library’s request form, so:

eBook ISBN: 9798218374594

Paperback ISBN: 9798218374587

What’s the status on that paperback cover business?

Current status is still ???

At least in the sense that I’m not sure what version of the book cover you might get at the moment. Original matte? Temporary glossy? Updated matte that’s here to stay? No idea at the moment. My self-publishing page shows the update’s confirmed, but the online stores are still using the first version as the preview image and I’m not sure when that gets swapped out. At least the books are all print-on-demand, so whatever you order, just know it’s not coming from some thrown-away backup heap. It’s fresh from the book oven press.

Anything else I need to know?

First, reviews are extremely welcome! I am running on negative budget when it comes to waving my little flag to announce that I Made a Scary Vampire Book, so I’m really relying on word-of-mouth if I want it to actually get its head above water. Leaving stars and comments wherever you can, be it in the online stores, the Goodreadses or Smashwordses or whatever else, would be a big help.

(Really though, I can and will dissolve into a puddle of relieved ego if I see so much as one (1) Nice Comment on Tumblr, my cesspool of choice.*)

*This is not hyperbole. I can count on one hand how many PROMOTION © ™ posts I’ve made on Twitter and have fingers left over. This novella is tailored to my fellow fiendish bookworms on here.

Second, to those coming by this stuff for the first time and don’t know what all this hoopla is about, a preview of my novella, The Vampyres, is available on my website. Give it a gander if you want to see under-appreciated classic supernatural bogeymen dropped into their own horror story.

Thirdly, lastly, vitally: thank you.

The Vampyres is a beautiful accident that came together out of an itch to rattle something out just for myself; a break from a bloated piece that had turned into a chore which burned me out and threw away the fun of scribbling. A lightweight read that saved me from being crushed by a cinderblock.

By the same token, the people on here have shouldered me up and out of the creative pit of thinking ‘This is all for nothing.’ For all that I talk of how much I’m powered by spite and the desire to Read a Specific Thing only to realize I Have to Write That Thing First, I’d be a liar if I said the kindness and excitement of the folks who’ve been reading my nonsense for (holy hell) TWO YEARS in the wake of the first big Dracula Daily surge didn’t have a major role in getting this thing done.

I did make The Vampyres for me. But it’s for you guys too. For everyone who saw one of my rambles or little fictions and spoke up to say, I love this! I was thinking this! I wanted this! Finally, finally!

When you crack open the cover for the first time, on a screen or in your hands, I want you to know I’m thinking Thank You at you. I hope you enjoy all the horrors inside.

Postscript:

If you want more info on other stuff I'm tinkering with, check out my website here:

[loveselenade]

Madoka 3.0

So, I was wrong about Tomoe Mami…

The last time I wrote about Madoka Magica (many months ago,oops), I had watched 1.5 episodes and kept reading Mami in a sinister light. Ever since, I’ve watched the whole first three episodes and one whole minute of the fourth before deciding I do want to write down my impressions, after all (I’ll try to do an episode every two or so weeks after this write up, since I find them pretty taxing to craft and post lol). With that out of the way…

Rewatch observations.

There was a lot I didn’t write about last time; it’s such a packed premiere in terms of craft, I’d have never finished if I wrote everything I wanted to note. Even now, I’m compiling only a few new observations from my re-watch of episode one.

So, the first thing is the background design. In terms of architecture and adornment, especially when it comes to the school, it really brings to mind postmodernist spaces. This shot legitimately reminds me to art museums I’ve been to in terms of the open the space with the sculpture of a withering plant encased in a strange cage placed front and center, like in an exhibition, and the open, well-lit rooms with framed pictures on the wall:

[Image description: a wide room filled with students dilly-dallying. It has wide, white panels in the walls, a framed picture by the right edge and a sculptured of a whitering plant encased in a strange cage placed front and center.]

I wonder if Madoka Magica would make for a good excuse to read on post-modern art lol

Funnily enough, the clear panels to their classrooms make their framework stand out, making them look like cages as well:

[Image id: Madoka and Homura, with the latter taking the lead, walking away from the classrooms, placed at the center of the image. They’re framed by classroom walls on both edges of the frame as well as in the background, you can see students peeking outside through the clear panels.]

They also allow for quite the peanut gallery. If one chooses to fully immerse in a gay reading, the exposed feeling as the two of them walk away from the rest of the student body can be quite resonant.

Also, what’s with the cages? I guess I’ll find out eventually.

That aside, and this observation is courtesy of my sister, the background design can also give off a feeling like that of a backroom due the openness and uniformity of the spaces. There can be a sense of infinity and liminality to them, even (think of the corridors Madoka and Homura traverse while walking to the infirmary, for example). This sense of being on the threshold of realization haunts Madoka’s waking up sequences, but it also feels fitting for Homura’s own state of being—her warning to Madoka highlights her preference for stasis, as she tells Madoka that if she were to seek change, she’d lose it all. Now, obviously, this is because Madoka seems doomed to die regardless how many times Homura loops, but it’s also worth bringing up that adolescence is often thought up as an intermediate space between childhood and adulthood, mired with great, uncontrollable change. One could say that the time loop narrative serves to heighten Homura’s teenage anxieties, and it stands in direct contraposition to Madoka’s budding hunger to grow and embrace change. I might be getting ahead of myself here, but Madoka’s wish to change also seems to clash with all the illusory motion present in the first few minutes of this episode—meaning that there’s something inherent to the processual dynamics of being a magical girl that might offer an illusion of advancement but it’s fundamentally at odds with it.

[Image id: A screenshot of Madoka standing in the blue hallway where Homura issues her warning. She’s placed slightly to the right of the center line, and she watches Homura leave, who is placed on top of the point of fugue at the center of the image. The subtitles read: “Stay as you are, and as you always shall be.”]

See? The window panels are very evenly spaced and the repetition allows for a sense of infinity. Since Homura is placed over the point of fugue, there isn’t an end in sight for this corridor. The faded colors and details at the back are to create a sense of depth through atmospheric perspective, but for all you know this corridor is endless.

[Image id: A close up to cherry tomatoes still in their stems, attached to the plant. Mr Kaname holds some scissorts to cut one off the plant.]

There’s also quite a bit of focus on these cherry tomatoes as we take a peek at Madoka's idyllic home life in episode one. I don’t really know what to make of this lol Are we in the Big O?

The second thing from episode one I want to highlight is Sayaka’s feelings towards Homura. In my first watch, I was very amused by her playing protector to Madoka to really notice, but Sayaka reacts quite jealous of Homura, doesn't she?

[Screenshot showing Hitomi and Sayaka sitting on the same side of the tabe with trays with their lunches before them. Hitomi, sat to the left observes Sayaka, sat to right margin. Sayaka is infuriated, with her hands up in a disgruntled gesture. Her dialogue reads “Just how big of an impression does she have to make on people?”]

She complains about Homura so much during episode two, it’s hilarious.

She paints it in a jokey manner, but she seems quite frustrated at Homura’s perceived perfection in looks, academics and athletics. Now, I say this because I watched that whole first minute of episode four, (however, it was also teased in the rose-tinted nostalgia for Kamijō’s playing in episode three), but she does legitimately seem to have a complex about her own average-ness compared to prodigies such as Kamijō and Homura. You know, her whole hero shtick does remind me quite a bit to Tenjō Utena’s own princely act, and given that one had a component to building up one’s own ego, I’m genuinely wondering if Sayaka is trying to soothe and elevate herself to compensate for her own sense of inferiority. When I watched episode three, I wanted Mami and Homura to duke it out, but they didn’t, preferring to stall with words. I’m now placing my hopes on you, Sayaka, as your animosity for Homura grows from your protective feelings for Madoka, your anger at her dismissive attitude towards Mami’s death and your gnawing jealousy! I’m rooting for you!

Childish aspirations.

[Image id: High-angle view of Madoka, Sayaka and Mami sitting at a restaurant’s table. Madoka and Sayaka are sitting together in the couch, while Mami sits to the right in the solitary chair, opposite to Madoka. Sayaka is holding a bat and sitting more in the middle. Both Sayaka and Mami are laughing at Madoka, who’s is staring in disbelief.]

I can’t forgive them for laughing at Madoka’s drawings…

Since I never wrote my thoughts on the second half of episode two, it seems fitting to resume the analysis now—given that I wrote most of the interesting interpretations for the first half that I could up in the 1.5 write-up already. Last time, I remarked off-handily that Misses Kaname’s wishes concerned practical preoccupations about her work life, both due her life experience as well as her clearer priorities and ambitions in life, which contrasted her to her daughter’s teenage aimlessness. This still holds true, especially in terms of maturity. Where Misses Kaname is pragmatic and cunning, Madoka and Sayaka are naïve and idealistic. This is highlighted through the items they chose to bring out when meeting Mami at the restaurant. Sayaka is excited for adventure, bringing up a bat to defend herself. It might appear a tad more practical than Madoka’s approach, but Sayaka is remarkably childish about the whole thing. During Mami’s explanation, she’s confused at the idea of Homura targeting Kyubey to avoid more competition because she views magical girls as “the good guys” who fight as a unified front against the evil of witches. She’s concerned about the panache of heroism, disappointed that tracking the witch amounts to just walking around a lot following the glow of the soul gem. However, by the end of the episode, she’s impressed again, happy to see Mami is both strong (won against the witch) and kind (adept at comforting the victim-the-week). She has a very idealist view of how a hero should look and behave. This, combined with the guilt she feels over Kamijō’s disabling accident that ended his career as musician (was she somehow involved in the incident?), it’s starting to make me believe she has quite the black-and-white view on things…

(On this note, Madoka knows of Kamijō and Sayaka’s visits to him, but she doesn’t seem to visit him herself. She refers to him by his last name, whereas Sayaka calls him by his first name. That’s intriguing.)

While Madoka appears more childish, she’s actually much more reflective, humble and grounded. Her main approach is imagination, as seen by her drawings of magical girl costumes. She’s carefully considering different angles to broach the situation, from the self-indulgent construction of her ideal image to serious contemplations to what being a magical girl entails. When confronted with the fact Mami had to let go of the witch to tend to them as her underclasswomen, Madoka quietly sits with the discomfort and apologizes for getting in the way—whereas Sayaka is still going on about heroes. While in the witch’s labyrinth, Mami asks them if they’re scared. Sayaka tries to look cool, but Madoka is able to sit with her honest feelings of both fear of the witch and admiration for Mami. One could argue that this openness— both to consider different angles and perspectives, and to admit her own feelings, whether privately or publicly— makes Madoka’s exploratory approach to discovering her goals, capabilities and values a lot more mature… However, her idealism and naivety are undeniable, and she and Sayaka will run face-first against the harsh reality of things by the end of episode three.

Mami the role model.

For now, the one thing standing in between their idealism and the seedy reality of the world is Tomoe Mami (which is why she had to die). As their upperclasswoman, she takes it upon herself to show them the ropes and to protect them. Her magic touch transforms Sayaka’s bat from plain object to magical weapon. Her seasoned intuition makes the right calls over when to stop and where to proceed. Her flourishes with her guns and acrobatics wow Madoka. As their peer, she presents an aspirational embodiment to their growing up towards adult competency: the attainment of mastery over one’s body and skills, wisdom and righteousness.  However, the underbelly to the process of becoming an adult starts to show: she loses her right to innocence, talking about keeping track of yellow press and her patrols of major highways and entertainment districts where chaos abounds, as well as isolated areas that are perfect for suicides (one of which they almost witness, but, once again, Mami acts as stopgap heroine preventing the full witnessing of). To grow up is to lose something.

[Screenshot from Revolutionary Girl Utena’s episode 18. It shows Akio’s profile facing right, with a meditative expression on his face. His dialogue reads: “With each passing year, a star loses some of its brilliance.”]

But let’s not forget why their journey is as it is: Kyubey’s request for them to be magical girls. What does it say that the life he’s pushing them into echoes Akio’s worldview? I also find worrying this line finds a clear parallel to their soul gems losing clarity. Really fishy.

If we are to go by Mami’s death, then that something lost is idealism. Her death marks a departure from the rose-tinted view of the adventure-filled life of a magical girl to one marked by grim consequences. Homura reinforces this by saying “Engrave this moment in your memories, this is what it means to be a magical girl.” In Homura’s view, the processual search of destabilizing change towards adulthood is irremediably traumatic. Mami’s demise certainly complicates the linear view of growing up as a gradual, progressive process towards adulthood[1]. The child might not merely be shielded from the horrors of the world and be filled with the appropriate knowledge and guidance to become a full-fledged member of society.[2] Furthermore, as shown in episode three, Mami’s own self already contained contradictions to these ideal conceptualizations of the child and the process of growing up as actualization of the self and reproduction of the communal future. What answers and further inquiries this questioning of adolescence yields in Madoka Magica is what I set myself to discover. For now, our heroines are first faced with the darkness of the world.

The environments reflect this increased sordidness. The darkness of the cityscape becomes deep, nearly swallowing our heroines. The aggressive reds to the sunset forebode danger. The nearly interminable bridge from which our heroines emerge presents a long way to safety, framed by withered tree branches.

[Image ID: Pictured of a really ominous red bridge that casts deep shadows towards the left. It’s placed so that it its center goes over the point of fugue, where the distant figures of the trio are placed. In the background, the dark city line looms against the twilight sky.]

The underexposed framing flattens perspective and casts them as mere shadows that could get lost in the regular, geometric darkness of the city.

[Image ID: Screenshot to the trio crossing a bridge headed to the left. Their bodies and the bridge appear shadowed with only their black silhouettes showing. The lamp posts are spaced evenly and cables that hold the bridge form rhomboids that also appear evenly. The sky is colored in an aggressive dusk and the faint city line in a purple shows in the background.]

The wide-angle look at the metallic interior of the building, framed by broken crystals, is intimidating and uninviting.  In short, it’s as though they’ve stepped into another, darker, parallel dimension to their world.

[Image ID: High, wide angle shot framed through curved broken glass of the interior of the abandoned complex where Gertrude manifested. There’s a shining metallic corridor and some stairs going down.]

The whole city is in flux once the twilight sets, transforming it from the luminous, safe gardens of Madoka's home and the school to a place where danger lurks in the shadows. Dusk itself has historically been constructed as a liminal time, a time where it's not quite day and not quite night, a time encoded with the thinning of boundaries between the worldly realm and the supernatural one (After all, ōmagatoki is the time when yōkai wake up and are able to move freely between worlds.) The confrontation with witches heightens the liminality of adolescence, where they move from childhood innocence and ignorance towards facing the more unsavory realities of the world. Their perception of their familiar, safe hometown is altered.

Yet, amidst all this bleakness, Mami still stands tall as a beacon of righteousness.

[1]  Balanzategui, J. The uncanny child in Transnational Cinema: Ghosts of Futurity at the turn of the Twenty-First Century. Amsterdam University Press, 2018. P14.

[2] Balanzategui, 2018, 10

Competition, Cooperation and Social Conventions.

Mami fits the well-mannered, soft-spoken and helpful upperclasswoman archetype to a tee. As such, she’s adept at navigating social situations gracefully and reading between lines, as well as prioritizing unity and avoiding unnecessary strife. This creates a stark contrast between her and the extremely off-putting Homura, who could be said to embody the anti-social, rival loner. We’re introduced to their tense dynamics when Mami gets in between Homura’s hunt of Kyubey in episode one. I can’t really parse if Homura ignored the subtext behind Mami’s polite dismissal on purpose, but it’s a recurring theme in their interactions:

Mami: The witch got away. If you want to hunt it down, you’ll need to chase after it quickly. I’ll give you this one. Homura: I’m here on business. Mami: You don’t seem to understand me. I’m saying I’ll let you go. Would it not be better for both of us to avoid any unnecessary trouble? (Homura reluctantly leaves after a few moments of tense, silent staring.)

Since Homura either ignored or failed to catch the true meaning behind her polite words, to read in between lines and act accordingly to avoid unnecessary strife, Mami had to explain her point directly. Depictions of and commentary on these types of social conventions— the molding of one’s behavior to be directed according to heteronomy rather than autonomy, the avoidance of conflicts and confrontation, and the indirect expression to avoid hurting others— and how failure to conform to them can bring in ostracism abounds in Japanese media (for an extremely well-liked example, think on Mob Psycho 100’s episode three, where the whole cultish group-think is what sets Shigeo off and reminds him of his painful experiences being mocked of for being unable to pick up the mood of the room).

I previously speculated that Homura might be cultivating an intentional distance between her and Madoka, but her interactions with Mami also show that Homura can’t help this distance at times. While she purposefully rejects Mami’s show of good will through the passing of the grief seed in episode two and curtly questions Mami’s intentions in the third, she appears thoroughly unprepared for the tensions escalating in Charlotte’s Labyrinth. Almost as if she hadn’t foreseen that the tensions boiling over could lead to her becoming immobilized. She’s unable to navigate the situation to successfully offer to take out the witch, and nearly jeopardizes her own mission to protect Madoka. Put in very simplistic terms, you can’t act together with other people if you don’t adhere to social conventions in some shape or form. Homura wants to favor acting alone (she wants to shoulder everything herself?) and is single-minded in her desire to protect Madoka, not caring if she’s misunderstood. I suspect this rejection of cooperation might be bringing in some of her failures.

[Image ID: Overhead, fish-eye frame of the girls at the abandoned complex where Gertrude manifested.There’s wide, tall window panels on the left edge, where Madoka, Sayaka are postioned towards the bottom edge of the screen. Over the picture’s diagonal, across from there, is placed the lone figure of Homura standing before a dark corridor. Mami’s dialogue reads: “Or do you dislike sharing with others?”]

Sayaka, Madoka and Mami are portrayed as a cohesive group, visually separated from Homura by the shadows of the pillars and the physical distance between them being amplified by the fish-eye perspective. Mami outright questions if Homura is selfish, read: unable to consider others’ feelings and adhere to a group.

As the newbies role model, it goes without saying that Mami is able to “consider others’ feelings” and “read in between lines”, as these are qualities that are enforced as desirable, especially for girls and women… In order to serve as an appropriate guide for Madoka and Sayaka, Mami must maintain social propriety. Interestingly, this ends up also distancing her from her juniors; it’s not a total departure like with Homura, but it does parallel them as lonely figures.

[Image ID: Screenshot of the shadowed figures of Mami, Sayaka and Madoka crossing a stone bridge towards the left. On the edges of the screen, the city lamps are lined and insinuating the point of fugue. The blurry, dark building line can be observed in the background. Mami walks ahead of Sayaka and Madoka, who trail behind.]

The distance that never seems to close. If Mami is to appropriately act as their senpai, she must walk ahead of them. We know, of course, this causes incredibly pain. Observe how obscuring their figures in darkness makes the negative space between them stand out.

A witch’s domain.

Now, we’ve finally arrived to the reason why I wanted to do these write-ups to begin with: I thought challenging myself to interpret the witches’ Labyrinths could be quite fun, and then I stumbled upon the fact Madoka Magica is quite the rich show with lots to discuss about it. But I digress. I quite like the aesthetic of the Labyrinths, they have a collage look to them that could remind you of the collages of the early XX century, as explored by Picasso, Juan Gris and other vanguardists. You could even call them surrealist in the way they utilize mundane objects in a profoundly disorienting way, elevating them from their prosaicness into symbols of the witchly subconscious.

[Image ID: Picture of Juan Gris’collage made with cut-and-pasted wallpaper, newspaper, transparent paper, white laid paper, gouache, oil and wax crayon on canvas. It depicts a table with filled to the brim with coffee-drinking accessories. A fortuitous newspaper fragment provides the ready-made signature “GRIS” while the letters “OURN”, excerpted from the masthead of Le Journal, form a homophonic on “Juan”.]

Collage by Juan Gris: Título «Le petit déjeuner».

Once again wondering if I should read more about (vanguardist) art for the sake of this show.

Speaking in crude, overly simplistic terms, the vanguardists’ formal artistic exploration was a departure from the European academicist tradition. While the Impressionist movement already exposed a rift between Academy and Artist, it still sought to portray realistic, figurative impressions of the world. Post-impressionist artists such as Cezanne and Van Gogh pushed the treatment of color to exaggeration for the sake of a heightened subjectivity. Cubist art sought to challenge representational conventions through use of simultaneous perspectives that showed the static object in all of its different angles at the same time. One of the most famous surrealist paintings of all time, René Magritte’s The son of man, exemplifies his career-long questioning of the assumptions of representational art—what you see in the canvas is not the object but a symbolic representation of the object, and the symbol of the object does not represent the object but all the subconscious meaning imbued to it by the viewer. The painting exploits the quality of visible and hidden, and the search for what is hidden. 

It is, then, fitting that the Labyrinths seem to borrow vanguardist aesthetics, as they defy perceptions of reality— to begin with, they are crafted in entirely different stylistic conventions. The character designs and backgrounds outside of the Labyrinths favor bright, cool, uniform color with thin line-work, creating well defined and recognizable forms; the human characters are portrayed with slightly doll-like shapes while still favoring “realistic” proportions, and the backgrounds are represented in geometric perspective. While stylized, it’s a world that clearly echoes our own. The witches’ realm seem to discard all of this, operating on their own logic. There’s no sense of uniformity to its elements: some will appear as heavily-textured, flat magazine cutouts while others will appear as highly uncanny cgi objects. Most of its denizens hardly appear anthropomorphic, and when they do in some of the witches, they appear in cartoony proportions reminiscent to Fleisher era cartoons rather than 2010’s anime stylizations (at least in the case of Charlotte). Their bodies are either deceitful or incomprehensible. This seeming incongruence makes our heroines themselves appear alien against the uneven patchwork of this world. The witches’ realm seems to question their way of being just by its own aesthetics alone.

[Image id: Screenshot of Getrude’s Labyrinth. In the background, there’s backward stairs to the left edge, tilted columns of varying width with framed moustache pictures, an unreadable sign, and an upside down elevator going down to the right margin. The trio is on the middle ground towards the left. Sayaka is swinging her bat in the middle, Mami is holding guard of the left edge and Madoka is standing between them cradling Kyubey in her arms. The foreground is insinuated through the shadow silhouette of some tilted beams.]

Common sense is eschewed, and you get tilted walls and columns, upside down stairs, out-of-place elevators.

[Image Id: Screenshot of Mami and Madoka traversing a black space with no clear horizon line, in which the first half of it is like black mist transitioning to a really bright, white equally misty middle. The foreground is indicated by a layer of cgi medication bottles haphazardly floating, and so is the background behind them with more bottles looking smaller and blurrier.]

They’re places that seem to simultaneously exist as flat, two dimensional spaces and as tridimensional ones. They’re places that embody contradiction, and encoded in their corpus are distinctively feminine motifs (think of the rose garden, the cake and tea parties, the home décor, the high heels, etc) made alien through their unreal representation and co-existence with masculine motifs (such as the fake ‘staches and industrial/handiwork symbols). The national and the foreign coexist as part of a whole. They’re places that “don’t respect borders, positions, rules. They’re the in-between, the ambiguous, the composite[3]”. They’re geography made the monstrous-feminine.

[Image id: overheard shot an intersection in the middle with the girls turning right, there’s tall, rusty-copper-like buildings seemingly made out of metallic plates with doors randomly thrown in all over their body. To the foreground, on the wall insinuated the bottom edge, there’s vines or perhaps security wire.]

The alienating, featureless cityscape and the overtly adorned rose garden. The public sphere and the domestic realm exist without clear delimitations.

[Image id: The trio running towards the left over a metallic corridor with vines rose vines coming out of the ground and going towards the edges. In the background, there’s a collage-like semicircle that looks like a rose wallpaper wall crowned by some stairs, the wall is on top of a green patch with rose bed in the middle. In front of the rose bed, there’s a door adorned with curtains and the like.]

“The female body in the Japanese pop cultural imagination is routinely constructed as a site that is volatile, uncontainable, penetrable and penetrating, incorporating, excessively desirous, and unrelenting generative, demonstrating Creed’s[4] contention that the monstrous-feminine ‘signifies the primal uncanny, in that through her body everything that ‘ought to have remained secret and hidden… has come to light.’ Those things that patriarchal culture seeks to keep hidden involve man’s relationship to the animal world, the world of nature, woman, life, birth, decay, and death”:[5]

Far from aligning myself with the common detraction that Madoka Magica is bad because it’s perverted (like its main writer is), I think it’s interesting to note that witches do carry insinuations around female sexuality in the vampiric implications to the mark in the neck the witch’s kiss leaves behind. That it was left on a working woman insinuates anxieties around female homosexuality (the mobilization of sexual difference through the Monstrous-Feminine is also a common trope). I don’t really have enough to go by to form an interpretation, but it’ll be interesting to see how these element unfold.

Also, speaking of the world of nature, Gertrude body’s is not only not anthropomorphic (it could be argued she’s some sort of bush connected to a stomach?), but also features animalistic traits in the butterfly wings and her behavior.

[Image id: Screenshot to Getrude sitting in the middle of the frame, surrounded by roses on top of a green patch. Around her there’s several miscellaneous objects, like black bollards topped with sphere sporting black ‘staches, a framed butterfly, ladders, black plants, a fish placard, several other butterfly motifs, etc. Behind here, theres several curved layers creating a textured wall. They look like a metallic fence, fragment of wallpapers, concrete walls and other type of buildings.]

“The abject confronts us, on the one hand, with those fragile states where man strays on the territories of animal. Thus, by way of abjection, primitive societies have marked out a precise area of their culture in order to remove it from the threatening world of animals or animalism, which were imagined as representatives of sex and murder.”[6]

The fact that our resident, well-mannered senpai Mami, as an agent upholding social convention and model of femininity, is the one to defeat Gertrude, an animalistic, vermin-like presence in the rose garden, a space that could be constructed as the domestic realm, feels charged. I generally view the Labyrinths as spaces meant to challenge their perceptions of reality, in a much more extreme, destabilizing and disconcerting version of Madoka’s careful contemplation of differing viewpoints. The tensions brought to the surface in each Labyrinth then are dependent on who interacts in them, and as such, my view on Gertrude defeated by Mami is that of reflecting Mami’s certainty in the values she upholds. Even when her juniors catch her off guard, her home is impeccable and she has dessert and tea to offer them. Her maintenance of the home and social conventions aren’t threatened.

At least not in at this point of time, but her dialogue in Charlotte’s Labyrinth reveals a possible destabilizing contradiction. She tells to Madoka that being a magical girl is not desirable because “(Madoka) won’t have time to fall in love.” Their role as magical girls might then paint them as proto working-women, in conflict with their supposed belonging to the domestic sphere as “wives and mothers”. It might not be inappropriate to suggest that the blurring of public and private spaces in the witches’ realms might be articulating anxieties around working women.

A final note, more miscellaneous note on the nature of the witches and their Labyrinths comes in the form of the visuals for the defeated familiar in episode three. The vestiges left by it bring to mind pollen or perhaps viruses, and together with the vampiric implications of the mark of witch’s kiss, it might seem to paint witches as something contagious. I wonder if we’ll get into social contagion territory eventually.

[Image id: screenshot of brightly, multicolor, amorphous particles floating around against a black background with the faint outline of a grid at the very background. Some of the particles look like the popular image of viruses.]

[3] R. Dumas, The monstrous-Feminine in Contemporary Japanese Popular Culture, East Asian Popular Culture series, Palgrave McMillan,2018, P2

[4] Barbara Creed published in 1994 her essay The Monstrous-Feminine: Film, Feminism, Psychoanalysis. Her work is often cited in Dumas’ opening essay Open Wounds: Situating the Monstrous-Feminine in Cotemporary Japan to her book The Monstrous-Feminine in Contemporary Japanese Popular Culture. The quotes here included are from Creed’s 2005 book Phallic Panic: Film, Horror and the Primal Uncanny.

[5] Dumas, 2018, 17

[6] Julia Kristeva, Leon S. Roudiez, Powers of Horror, an essay on Abjection, Columbia University Press, 1982, 12-13

Mami the girl.

Last time, I discussed the fact Mami wanted to appear as their put-together, helpful upperclasswoman, as a more adult guide to their wet-behind-the-ears candidness. Her fight against the witch’s familiar in episode three confirmed my suspicions. She does an explicit effort to appear cool, to answer their questions so that they can carefully weigh their decision— even when it touches on her open wounds— and to advise Sayaka against helping others just to feed on her own ego. She goes above and beyond to be a proper senpai to them.

[Image id: Close up to Mami’s face. She’s smiling and winking while tilting her head slightly. The lighter from her finishing gun is visible and going off. She’s in her magical girl outfit.]

Episode three, however, also shows the crack behind the façade, starting by Mami’s troubled past. If being “a child is demarcated by characteristics such as innocence, naivety (…) and vulnerability”[7], then Mami is forced to be more adult-like following the accident and her subsequent metamorphosis into a magical girl. Mami’s seeming maturity is, then, abruptly forced upon her rather than gradually grown into. Her vulnerability (she’s literally mortally wounded and also all alone with the loss of her family and lack of any other external support network) in the moment to make the contract puts her in the spot and forces her to accept Kyubey’s offer. As a result, she’s denied the luxuries afforded to Madoka and Sayaka. She’s denied to show any of her weaknesses and pain to others. To grow up is to lose something. The loneliness she exhibits as their role model is not solely stemming from her position as their upperclasswoman but her quality as a magical girl itself.

Further fractures into the image she wishes to project to the world are brought to light through her confrontation with Homura. Her politeness, supposed mark of her preference for unity and peaceful negotiation, is more markedly shown as a tool to express her aggression through thinly-veiled threats and nasty condescension. The visuals play with this obliqueness of hers. When Homura is upfront about accusing her of leading Sayaka and Madoka into danger and her desire to prevent Madoka from forming any contract, her face is shown in a mid-light value, while Mami’s face is markedly shadowed in her taunting retort.

[Image ID: Bust of Homura with the night sky on the background and some lamps lighting from behind. She’s dimly lit (with very readable shapes). She has a serious expression on her face. Her dialogue reads: “She is the one person I absolutely cannot allow to make the contract.”]

[High-angle shot of Mami’s bust. She’s looking up,smiling defiantly and cast in dim shadows. Behind her, only the grey stone of the plaza ground is visible. Her dialogue reads: “That’s the way a bullied child thinks.”]

Conversely, when Mami is clear about her warnings to Homura, she’s showered in light, while Homura’s reticence to be clear about her intentions has cast her in hard shadows.

[Image id: Extreme close up to Homura’s face, which is about 75% cast stark shadows with sharp lighting on the right side of her face, the right side of her nose and her left cheekbone. Her expression is harsh.]

[Image id: High-angle shot of Mami standing upright and smiling while standing in a dark plaza. She’s well-lit by the lamps around her. Her dialogue reds: “Then take care to ensure that our paths never cross again.”]

Mami shows discomfort at Homura’s accusations, but shields herself in the justification that since Madoka and Sayaka have been chosen, they’re not innocent bystanders anymore, and thus involved in this whole business.

A common thread within the show seems to be the embodying of contradictions and ambiguity, of identities in flux. Homura is both a hostile, antagonistic party and someone who sincerely wishes to shield them from tragedy. Mami is both protecting them and luring them into danger. Sayaka is both more pragmatic than Madoka and more immaturely simplistic. Madoka is both idealistically naïve and sagaciously capable of contemplating and contending with uncomfortable, conflicting feelings and viewpoints. The instable, disorienting nature of the Labyrinths would seem to heighten these tensions and paradoxes to the point of collapse.

Charlotte’s Labyrinth exploits the disparate, showing a composite of medical motifs combined with the (feminine) domestic realm: bottles of pills (filled with candy), piercing objects ranging from the sewing needles and scissors (of a sewing kit) and the syringes of the clinical setting (it pains me to write this, but you could make a point to call these penetrating needles phallic). The hospital as a workplace and a public facility juxtaposed to the sewing kit and the desserts motifs (that slowly morph into being vaguely birthday themed through the cake with candles and the tea party) showing the private. The mature bleakness from medical setting vs the childish happiness and flippancy from the party. The visible and the hidden.

It is within this space that Mami finally admits to her “adult” self-assuredness and competency being a façade through a fit of oversharing. It is not a considered reckoning of her own weaknesses as much as an impulsive, resentful reaction to Madoka’s idealism. Her vulnerable confession—its climax is literally a promise of forming a new coupled partnership with Madoka’s unending support. You could say: a promise of true love and acceptance outside the social system— is accompanied by a bevy of pills raining down in the background. The contradictory strikes again: even though pills are meant to heal, their cascading number evokes suicide. Even though it’s a moment that should’ve resolved some of her internal tensions and healed some of her pain, it instead spells her death. Mami launches to her hunt of the witch in a euphoric state, clinging at the first offer of happiness she gets; much like the recklessness she warns her juniors against when it comes to their contract with Kyubey. All of her talks of post-hunt celebrations seem to mirror the childishness of Charlotte’s realm. She jumps into action recklessly without assessing the situation, in contrast to Homura’s measured, methodic approach later on. Perhaps one could read her defeat here as her failure to acknowledge and reconcile with the fact her roles as a magical girl and senpai aren’t mutually exclusive with her own childishness, her ideals aren’t without hypocrisy and harm, and so on.

[Image Id: Close up to Mami’s outstretched hand in front of her middle, with her palm up. In the center of her hand, a ring glows, and around it petals emerge in the form of a daisy.]

In Hanakotoba, daisies symbolize hope and peace.

Her death reveals further fissures to the idea of “growing up (as) wedded to ideals of collective progress, as the child’s journey towards both adulthood and futurity (…) through continual progress”. [8] This failure to eventual realization brings in questioning Mami’s experience as a magical girl— one in which Mami does a service to society at large, but at the cost of finding herself unsupported and isolated by the very need to produce these communal results. Her death epitomizes the harm this contradiction creates, the impossibility for the child to live a future when her growing up is always functionally at service of others (Also Madoka’s flaw?)

[7] Balanzategui,2018, 10.

[8] Balanzategui,2018, 14.

Miscellaneous.

My friend asked me my thoughts about the first opening (I’m expecting a new one on the fourth chapter) and first two endings. So here’s that.

Ending 1 (See you tomorrow by Aoi Yuuki): I find this one really amusing because 1) It’s sung by Madoka’s seiyuu, and 2) she sounds like a baby. It sounds really cutesy overall, so the whiplash with the lyrics is very pmmm-like lol Lyrics about loneliness and feeling alienated in your hometown and never seeing someone again. Which could mean nothing.

Opening song (Connect by ClariS): Now, this one does communicate the melancholic vibe through the sound and singing, and despite the cute, cheerful adventure vignettes, it does have some pensive Madoka scenes. I like it, the lyrics reflecting that yearning for “a start”, and the promise of perseverance. Feels very Madoka.

Ending 2 (Magia by Kalafina): This one is pretty cool, I like Madoka’s silhouette walking past the static figures of her friends and leaving them behind towards an unending darkness, where she breaks into a run. The final image having her in fetal position as an eye open combined with the heavy drumming and the bells tolling create such a feeling of impending doom, it’s so great. I’m a little amused the lyrics talk about world-destroying love and a thirst for power, it’s cool.

Afterword.

Firstly, a thanks to my friend, you know who you are, who read the endless updates to this document as I kept working on it. I don’t think I’d have finished it without the encouragement.

Secondly, I ended up excising a few points from this write-up, namely observations on the intro scenes with Sayaka and Kamijō, on the framing between Sayaka and Madoka right before they venture into Charlotte’s Labyrinth and on Madoka’s talk with her father and her construction as an ideal. Mostly because I got tired of working on this, but also because it has gotten quite long and I couldn’t quite fit them with the themes of the present sections. I’ll probably include them in the write-up for episode four.

[the-liberal-lion]

Janel's article that she wrote for Airmail.News

Tangled Up in The West Wing

On the 25th anniversary of Aaron Sorkin’s beloved political drama, Janel Moloney—who played the idealistic Donna Moss—grapples with the show’s role in her life

By Janel Moloney

September 14, 2024

Reading Time: 4 minutes

The other day, an overcast but hot Sunday, I blow-dried my hair, put on makeup for once, and took my kids uptown. My husband and I were taking our 12- and 14-year-old sons to the Paley Center for Media, in New York City, where there was an exhibition celebrating the 25th anniversary of the premiere of The West Wing. The ticket guy, pale with thick round glasses and a swipe of sandy hair, asked me if I was a fan. I told him yes, I most definitely was.

As we walked into the exhibition, the boys teased me about not being recognized. I told them to stop, that it was just his job, that last week there was a Barbie show and next week was Sponge Bob, so shush, he can’t know us all.

I walked up to the enormous mural of the cast stretched across the museum’s lobby, my hands perched on the shoulders of Brad Whitford, who played Josh. I contemplated the eight-foot image of myself, young and small-waisted with my future deliriously undefined before me, and, strangely, I didn’t feel bad. I had thought I might. That to be around artifacts of that exquisite time might make me feel like an ancient whiskered crone or just plain sad, the glory of that period starkly put up against my regular life. But it wasn’t the case. I felt like I always do around that life-defining job, one that never seems to fade, never seems to recede like a normal past: grateful.

When I told my sister, Meegan, I was going to write something about The West Wing, she asked me what I was going to say. I said I didn’t know. I told her that Donna was my longest relationship, pre-dating my children and my husband, and that my perspective was skewed, the image never really in my rearview mirror, never finding much distance.

“That’s because it’s in your side mirror, dude,” she said on the phone. And it’s true. The show has not stopped but seemingly gotten more popular, remaining in the Zeitgeist, surging when people need political comfort—which these days is always—and amassing new devotees every day. And Donna, my cheerful, smart, vulnerable, funny-as-hell shadow, I’ve accepted as a part of me, like a face tattoo but adorable.

Every day of my life, for the past 25 years, someone has come up to me to tell me about their love of the show.

When I met Donna, 25 years ago, I opened up Aaron’s wonderful pilot script and read the first line of my scene and thought, “Oh. O.K. I get it. Donna loves Josh.” And that was it. The center of my wheel, the fulcrum from which it all spun for seven years. Every issue I fought for, every question I asked, came essentially from that flame, the need to impress or protect, to be seen or appreciated by him. Donna loves Josh.

And it was easy because flirting with Brad, falling in absolute pretend creative love with him and the rest of the cast, was the privilege of my professional life. And really that’s the fun of acting. Letting it all get messy and fluid, your feelings caught up in a tangle of joy, passing the fireballs of words back and forth, not knowing what will happen next.

“Hey, guys, look, this was one of my costumes,” I said to my kids, pointing out a magenta dress with a fitted blazer worn by a faceless mannequin. They may have grunted something. “This is so cool,” my husband said, stepping beside me as I looked at the collection of fake White House IDs. After all these years, my husband has accepted Donna as a member of our family, like marrying a set of twins.

After we headed out, stopping to take pictures with a few surprised fans, I thought about the clothes. As we navigated the throngs of tourists on Sixth Avenue, I could feel the heavy wool skirts, the jackets that our designer, Lyn Paolo, fitted to my slender shoulders. I could hear the click of my heels on the polished marble floors. It was all so much fun.

The last time I stepped into Donna’s costume was for an HBO special raising money for voting rights in 2020. I remember loving getting to be onstage, all of us together. The words came easily, but I realized quickly, with something in the neighborhood of relief, that the fit was not quite right. Donna’s unbridled optimism, her need for Josh, her abject youth, was something that I had grown out of. Like Donna did at the end of the series, I had evolved into my own woman. I married my husband, had two children, and, unlike Donna’s life, my life was absolutely real.

And so, after 25 years, it seems I will continue to live with Donna there in my side mirror, always in my peripheral vision. And I’m O.K. with that. Our journey together keeps going. The beauty of art, of modern television really, is that anytime you want to see her, anytime I do, she will be there. She will be waiting, in her dynamic amber, with C.J. and Toby, Charlie, and Josh with their paper files and Nokia cell phones, ready to cheer us up.

Janel Moloney is an actress living in Brooklyn. She can be seen in the upcoming Better Sister, on Amazon Prime

Here is the link

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

Meryl, Luida, and Bridging the Gap

This is just a quick little side-note I wanted to make about the similarities between Meryl and Luida that I noticed as I was reading, and how they end up occupying similar, yet complementing roles in the story.

***Disclaimer: I was sick when I wrote this and my head is full of fog lmao. If I have completely left out a word or something... don't even worry about it it's fine.

First off, on a surface level, they both are characterized as capable, intelligent, level-headed women, who are suddenly thrust into leadership positions, with Meryl being assigned the task of tracking down and mitigating the damage caused by Vash the Stampede plus looking out for her new protégé, Milly, and Luida stepping up to take charge of Ship 3 and its residents after Doc's death.

While the demand placed on them both is immense, nonetheless, they are shown to be quite capable of shouldering this kind of responsibility - however, given their intense focus and objective-driven personalities, they actually both get scenes where they are somewhat horrified by their own temporary prioritization of objectives over morality. We see this with Meryl in Trigun Volume 1 when she doesn't react in righteous anger to Badwick threatening his parents and had shut herself off from writing to her own in pursuit of her job, and with Luida when she briefly considers the idea of another July incident to stop Knives. Both think negatively of themselves for this - of course, I'm of the mind that since they are upset with themselves on reflection, this proves the exact opposite, really. I think they both have hearts of gold, they're just under a lot of stress, especially as time goes on. The two of them are human beings who falter, but whose morals ultimately align closely with what Vash wants to see in the world. Really, what the two of them hate most here is the idea of their own inaction or taking the easy way in the face of wrongdoing - a concept that drives them into action going forward.

[ID: Two images from Trigun and Trigun Maximum. The first is from Trigun Volume 1. Over images of trees and Badwick's father, Meryl says "But I... I just stood there and took it all in without even budging. I am such a cold person. I chose this path of blood and tears without thinking about the rest of my life. All I can see is what's right in front of me." Meryl starts to cry as she continues, "Why could I not see... that when I closed myself off to him, something was wrong? I..." She then slaps her cheeks and says "No... never mind!" The second image is from Trigun Maximum Volume 8. A single tear runs down Luida's cheek. Meryl says "Miss Luida...?" Her back turned to Meryl, Luida says "I'm sorry. I... was thinking for a moment. If something like July would happen again... it could stop Knives, but... ... I'm a terrible woman. End ID.]

Both of them also have a connection to Vash's past that gives them a different perspective on him as a person, instead of just an ally - Meryl, of course, gets brain-blasted in Volume 5 with Vash's memories (poor thing), but Luida is also more familiar with him than even a lot of the people on Ship 3, it seems - enough that she calls him out for blaming himself after the attack, clearly used to hearing this from him. She also is the one to clear up at least some of Wolfwood's confusion and uncertainty.

We also get this interesting parallel of them both watching Vash walk away to face Knives, him having rejected their offers of help. It's something that clearly saddens them both, as they watch him fight alone again and again, and wish he wouldn't. Both of them have moments where they feel they can't offer much in the way of assistance, or that their best efforts aren't enough.

[ID: Two images from Trigun and Trigun Maximum. The first is from Trigun Volume 2. Vash, his back turned, runs off into the chaos, a Plant seen above him and the city ahead, as he yells back "Get as far away from here as you can! Get to safety!" Meryl watches him from the door. In the second image, from Trigun Maximum Volume 8, a grainy flashback shows Vash's turned back as he walks away from a young Luida, who is reaching out to him. End ID.]

Of course, we the readers know this isn't true at all! Meryl and Luida do so much over the course of the story.

Interestingly, they don't start off as the ones completely in charge - Meryl works for Bernadelli even if she is in charge of her assignment, and Luida is presumably part of the Council, but the one in charge is initially Doc. But once they do take over - Luida after Doc's death, and Meryl once the world is thrown into ruins and Bernadelli no longer exists - there is a striking difference in the way they act from their predecessors.

Meryl goes from simply following Vash around to taking a self-directed and active role in assisting him however she can - looking for his old belongings and anything else of potential use, asking Marlon to repair his gun, creating a distraction with Milly, and helping the Earth Federation in the final hour with no hesitation.

Luida takes a much more active role in rallying Ship 3 to assist Vash as well. While some of this may simply have been because the stakes were raised much higher after Volume 3, Ship 3, while already a base of support for Vash, was a distant safe haven, kept largely separate from the rest of the world. Up until that point, they had provided Vash with aid, but not fought alongside him, something that clearly bothers Luida on multiple occasions. She decides to change this. She's the one who sets out to help as many of the towns ravaged by the Ark as possible. She rallies the Ship 3 residents for a rescue mission to help Vash. She's the one to step forward and attempt to bring all the leaders around to standing with Vash.

Which brings me to my last comparison point. They're both staunchly supportive of Vash, quick to come to his aid, and quick to defend his character from those who doubt his intent - Luida even sharply calls out her own people for their moment of mistrust after hearing about July. These two know and care about Vash on a more personal level than most - and as we all know, due to his avoidant tendencies, this is not an easy thing to do. Vash is frequently misinterpreted, and these two are often the ones to set the record straight.

[ID: A panel from Trigun Maximum Volume 3. Luida, sternly, says "That's a foolish question. You would know the answer just by looking at the scars on his body. If he had used his true immortality, those scars would not be there. End ID.]

In this way, much like Vash is a bridge between humans and Plants, Meryl and Luida are something of a bridge between humans and Vash.

And they're able to do this because deep down, their ideals align closely with his - they're not just supporting someone they care about; they have a similar desire to see the kind of world he fights for, and they choose to fight for it too.

But while Luida is something of a spokesperson for Vash, reaching out to humanity, it is almost as if Meryl becomes the voice of humanity reaching back, responding to him, and agreeing that not everything in the world is awful; that it is worth believing in the best in others. They need to stand together.

[ID: A panel from Trigun Maximum Volume 14. Meryl, in a spacesuit, with frank determination, says, "Because we decided to stand together. We stand with Vash the Stampede." End ID.]

Meryl is the voice of proof that some people believe in the love and peace he speaks of, and are willing to say it back to him in turn.

Updated on my masterpost - my other book club stuff can be found here!

[unioncolours]

1 Million Words ✨

[Image ID: Screenshot from AO3's statistic page with the word count 1, 000, 116]

I will let the picture speak for itself. I have, as of now, published over 1 million words on AO3! 🥂

I am super happy and relieved, as it was my goal to reach this number before 2025.

I thought for the fun of it that I would make a statistical breakdown of these 1 million words.

Out of 1 million words:

Shikajin-centric fics consist of: 561 616 words

ShikaTema or Temari-centric fics: 280 621 words

Saiino or Yamanaka family-centric fics: 17 162 words

Platonic Ino-Shika-Cho fics: 6087 words

Shikadai-centric, platonic: 52 292 words

Shinki-centric: 2396 words

WLW fics with main ships InoHina, InoTema, SakuTema and SakuIno: 77 244 words

That one JJK fic: 2728 words

Thank you everyone who has read, commented, bookmarked, everything! You made this journey lovlier than it would have been alone 💖

Below is an introspective discussion about this journey. I have written every year a Majsasaurus Year post where I go into detail about each journey for each individual fic (links in pinned post), so this one will be more general thoughts about my goal. Thank you.

Back in 2020, when I was feeling the biggest high of being part of fandom, I saw already my newly gained Naruto friends, one after one, say they have or will or want to retire. I was at that time so confused by what they meant, why would they want to retire? In that covid year I wrote the most, over 300 000 of my words were published that year (among them Trial of the Heart and To dance above the Stars), and by the end of 2020 I alredy started dreaming of reaching one million published words. If I could write over 300 000 words a year, simple math told me I'd reach it in no more than three years. I told everyone, self-confidently and annoyingly as always, that I won't retire from fandom before I have reached my goal of one million words.

Now, life isn't as simple as that math, and my depression in 2021 crushed that dream already. I think I got 150 000 words published in 2021, and on that road I stayed, and the yearly output dwindled. I still wanted to reach one million words before 2025. Of course I had a happy civilian life in real life with family and work, but the fandom life has for a longer time felt like slow strangling.

This summer I already tried to quit fandom, lacking only 50 000 words of my goal. It was agonising to want to delete myself from online while still holding onto that dream, and in the end, with the help of my little InoHina idea and #ShikajinWeeked24 I managed to break through that goal. I reached 1, 000, 000 words 12th of December, 2024.

And now, I am free to retire, free of my own silly self-made shackles. Do I want to retire? I don't know. I don't think I want to. But I don't feel genuine happiness right now when it comes to fandom. I still get panic attacks sometimes.

Don't get me wrong, I have one fic I'd love to write, a ShikaTema long-fic, canonverse. But I will let the idea rest for a month. I will gather strength. I will try to make up new goals for myself.

I want to join some fan weeks!

This got a bit sadder than I thought it would be, sorry! You will see more of me later, I dearly hope. I dearly want to.

So see you on AO3 sometimes in 2025 again, shall we? Get your tissues ready ❤

[anistarrose]

This is my online accessibility (especially image descriptions) masterpost, which I update periodically whenever I find a new resource or guide. I worry this has the side effect of looking overwhelming in scope, so if you're learning about IDs and/or Tumblr-specific accessibility for the first time, I recommend you start with the first five starred posts. All post titles are clickable links!

*Why and how to write image descriptions

*Accessibility on Tumblr for new users (has templates, also talks about how to tag for flashing lights to accommodate photosensitive folks)

*I see an image and want to describe it: a step by step guide

*Fanart-specific and Tumblr-specific advice for image descriptions

*How to describe screenshots of tags

Why a short ID is always better than no ID

The key word for writing IDs: "Relevancy"

I want to make my posts more accessible, but can’t write IDs myself: a guide

Google Doc full of template descriptions for memes

Online image to text converter

Describing skin tone and describing hair (heads up that the posts themselves are undescribed and were written with fiction writers in mind; potentially still very useful)

How to remember to write descriptions (spoiler: by putting yourself in situations where you see descriptions more often)

Related, a Google doc of described blogs (almost all the blogs linked earlier in this post have tons of described posts and resources too)

(In my opinion, writing IDs is easiest to learn by doing — but especially if combined with watching other people do so. So follow some described blogs!)

Why not to put image descriptions in small fonts/italics (also, some non-definitive thoughts on IDs vs alt text, and why "both" actually makes sense as an answer in many cases)

More on IDs vs alt text from a visually impaired Tumblr user

Alt text vs IDs vs Captions with examples

Brief Intro to Transcripts/Video Descriptions

The People's Accessibility Discord sever (a very friendly community for crowdsourcing image descriptions)

How to make your blog's colors visually accessible - one of the easiest thing on this list!

Other easy things: show love to artists who describe their work, edit descriptions into your original post when someone provides one in the notes, and copy-paste inaccessible (eg, small text or italicized) descriptions as plain text when you reblog!

Lastly, and maybe most importantly, how to continue writing image descriptions while avoiding burnout.

Let me know if any of these links break! I personally don't describe nearly as much audio/video (got those audio processing issues), so this list is sparse on those resources, but if anyone has good guides/blog recommendations for that too, feel free to add on!

[worldwide-simp]

Diary of the inferior

Scp x reader

(isn't really proof-read )

This is something I had written a few words of, stored in my drafts and didn't let it see the light of day (see what I did there hehe) for some time. But I have now finished it (kinda) and its certainly one of my longest pieces. 

(The first few entries are short and poorly written, but it becomes better after some time.)

warnings: gore, kinda pessimistic views, I hate Entry 1 with all my heart, false reality, violence, euthanasia, body horror, religious talk, death.

Scp 105 is post Omega-7, she’s 24 here.

Entry 1: New Beginnings

Dear Diary, 

Maybe I should’ve listened when people told me to never take strange job opportunities.  

I thought it was perfect, I was working in a shop on minimum wage, and I could barely afford simple life necessities.

I still had to pay off my student debt and that made life all the harder. When I saw this strange opportunity presented to me by a shady caucasian man, I believed that this would be my saving light. 

I wish I had been shot that day. A bullet mysteriously found its way into my skull. A news reported merely stated it was an accident; or running from that horrid officer only to “disappear” and never see the light of day again.

I just wish that death had claimed me as one of their countless victims before immortality and the infinite loop of time laid hands upon me.

—-

Entry 2: the flower of beloved Iris

Dear Diary, 

On my photo ID, there was my smiling face. It was a smile of pure joy. You could glance at it and call it cheeky if you dared. But I was merely innocent. Innocent as a human could be. 

After the photo had been taken, I was briefed on what I’d be doing. A rambling speech about the foundation's lack of care for qualified staff and instead people with logic and reasoning. 

That gave you a fighting chance, because how bad could this job be if you just needed a little logic?  I met a girl a few weeks later. I always wondered why she had that camera with her. Perhaps it had been a dear hobby of hers? 

I found out my presumption was wrong when she took a photograph of a flower in a vase some distance away, took the picture out and then proceeded to stick her hand in the image; giving me the flower after twirling it in her fingers. 

Iris seemed proud of making me joyful, I believed I laughed all night. I later placed the flower on my desk, and even after it wilted and its petals fragile and bleak; I still folded it into my pocket and to this day it still resides there. 

She was more on the quiet side but still gave me those sad smiles with dimples on her cheeks.  I had distinctively remembered wondering about the cause of those scars on her eyelid, jaw and hands.  — 

Entry 3: false reality

Dear Diary, 

I found out Iris was an anomaly; an Scp, if you wanted a more precise definition. This was told to me by a person higher on the foundation hierarchy for its staff. Not Iris herself. 

Was I slightly hurt? Yes. 

It had left me staring into a void, although I had seen her camera doing its magic. I must have created some false reality in my head that explained this bizarre situation. 

At the time, I was scrawling through my notebook with such vigour it was comparable to an inspired writer. I was not inspired in a awestriking way. Simply wanting to write about my trepidations concerning this topic and send the letter to me in a shitty way of making myself laugh.

(Mind you, if you too were stuck as a lab assistant watching sentient doughnuts bite people, you almost certainly develop terrible humour.)

—

Entry 4: the beginning of the end

Dear Diary, 

Something strange had occurred.

I had been assigned a mission. Naturally I was confused. Lab assistants being assigned things other than cleaning up the blood after cross-testings? It was something I found most peculiar. 

They, (foundation staff),had suited me up in some strange black equipment, handed me a gun and pushed me over to some people waiting inside a black van.

I don't even have a formal qualification to handle a gun; I had screamed. Why would this be happening? I remember saying that to myself. over and over again.

A pathetic mantra that I so feebly considered answered by the many voices in my head. I cried. Then I wiped the liquid with my hand; I had refused the notion that I was a weak, feeble creature hiding the true meaning of my nature. 

When I really was just that. 

All those other people had kept their heads down, mindlessly fidgeting with their hands or drumming their fingers nervously on the knee. I merely stared at the wall, already feeling the sensation of butterflies fluttering in my stomach. 

I didn't know them, and at this rate; I would never.

—

Entry 5: pathetic chess games

Dear diary, 

They had gotten off the van, dressed in full tactical gear and shivering with a dreadful fear. This situation felt wrong and I memorized the look of someone who knew too much. It was in a puddle of water. It was my face.

Perhaps I was seeing the foreshadows of fate that dangled right in front of my eyes. But I saw nothing, heard nothing and knew nothing. This was all one of the many cruel games the foundation played, killing people as if they were mere chess pieces. 

All just to win to the game, only for another to proceed after that.

—

Entry 6: the majority and the minority

Dear Diary, 

 Scp-001 S. D. Locke’s proposal is one of the many 001 proposals that exist: detailing the sun becoming a hostile being that eradicates human beings, converts them into sentient piles of flesh which aim to find unconverted humans and drag them into the sunlight, for them too to become those hideous masses of skin. 

The scenario occurred in my timeline, at first I didn't know what was happening, only that the other staff members had screamed about the light being good and holy before I heard the most awful noises.

It squelched, moaned and cried. I suppressed gags and muffled my mouth with a cloth. What the fuck was happening? Where had they all gone? Why do they sound not human anymore?

I had ran out from the cover of the van to shield under the safety of a building, not before looking back and laying my eyes upon a horror of flesh melting away under the rays of the hostile sun, dragging its amorphous clumps of bodies towards me. 

They had once been human like myself. I had only saved myself but not them. I should go join them to redeem myself to the judging light and have my sins cleansed. I was a wretched human not worthy of being alive. 

I kept on running, determined to never let the sun touch my skin ever again. I had slammed the door of the building. It was desolate and empty. When I’d step on the ground too hard, I could hear the echoes of the impact.

The was a distinctive waft of bleach, specifically chlorine that reminded me of swimming pools. There was a lack of furnacing; which reminisced the not-so-distant memory of my office. I took shallow breaths, slumping down to the ground and rubbing a sore ligament. 

This was a weak thing a human could do, but I sobbed. I cried and cried until I felt like everything went numb. But it cleared my mind slightly, feeling less like a suffocating cloth and more so like a haze of cloud. 

I felt around in my breast pocket, closing my fingers around a packet and tearing it off and chewed on the granola bar slowly. My mouth felt dry and my throat burned, however, despite the lack of comfort, I still ate. 

I pondered on what I could do. Could I stay here and call for backup or try to find someone who was still alive? 

I sighed, then fiddled with the packet from the granola bar. Was I at fault for my comrades being turned into those abominations of flesh? I could've saved them; told them to stay inside the van and that I’d go out and check. It would’ve resulted in my death, but wasn't appeasing the majority a more important factor than the minority? 

—

Entry 7: The silence of the lamb

Dear Diary,  

I had a radio that I had snatched last minute from the van before dashing off. I had tried reaching out to anyone I could. But there was only silence.

—

Entry 8: Nihilism

Dear Diary, 

I had successfully contacted a person without being disoriented by loud static. I heard heavy breathing, it was loud and quite alarming. There was a persistent sloshing of liquid in the background. It was quiet for a few seconds; eerily quiet. Before someone spoke. 

“You are alone. You will stay forever alone if you do not accept the beautiful light. Go outside.” 

I threw the radio to a corner of the room, and it broke into several pieces. The voice didn't sound human anymore, it was distorted with an otherworldly passion. I was so blinded by the anger that had irrationally consumed me for a second I broke my only means of communication.  

Maybe I would be truly alone if I didn't go outside.

There was nothing to live for anymore.

—

Entry 9: kiss away the gore

Dear Diary, 

If loneliness was the way I would die, perhaps it would be better to perish in the sun than of hunger and the echoing quiet. I lived in cowardliness and fear. I can be free where I belong. 

I opened the door I had blocked two days ago. Such a feeble mind, but I had found revelation.  I will cleanse my body of this impurity, harbouring sins and the devil's hands caressing my skin. 

I will burn it all away. 

This was the only way I would be accepted, then I’d find peace. 

I stepped into the sunlight and stared at the scarlet sun's beauty. I felt my skin being pulled apart, melting into a puddle of goo, bones liquefying and a boiling feeling. My human mouth shrieked, but that was insignificant. My fingers merged together before becoming a singular stump and my body was crafted new.

There was an agony I couldn't describe in words. No matter how many times I may rip out this page and rewrite it countless times, no work of poetry could ever shed light on the feeling. 

My body was crafted pristine, I now moved surprisingly fast. The puddle of goo had moulded itself into the body of my absolute nature. I sought new flesh. That I would bind myself to another pure being. 

Later, I stumbled across a facility devoid of people, there were only pools of blood on the floor. The once pure white walls had undertones of fleshy colours. If I were still human, I would've gagged at the goriness of it all.

But I didn't, instead I lurked deeper into the building. A net ensnared my body all of a sudden, and I choked out a throaty snarl. A familiar figure loomed over me, with a knife poised at my throat. 

I gnashed my fleshy teeth together, reaching out to capture this impure human and bring it to the light. But the creases under their eyes faded, tossed the knife to the side and removed the netting. 

What was this revolting human doing-

I was engulfed in an embrace, a hand of theirs resting on the small of my back and the other placed upon my throat, pushing it back. Almost as if it was endeavouring for me not to rip out their face.

“I can't believe something like this could happen to such a beautiful person like you.” They murmured, gripping my body tighter like I would dissolve into ash at any moment. My jaw snapped abruptly and they hushed me. 

I heard the shuffling of fabric. Cool metal grazed my face before I heard them speak again; “It must be painful for you, I’ll shoot you so you can rest peacefully.” 

Then they squeezed my back with such gentleness it would be hard to imagine that someone like this would shoot me. 

The last things I felt were the soft fluttering of my dead heart, a soft kiss on the lips and seeing their appearance one more time. Admiring their shortly cut blond hair, scars adorning their face and cerulean blue eyes. 

Those beloved dimples showed as they smiled so miserably at the prospect of being alone once again. But this was for your sake. 

“Wait-”

She pulled the trigger. 

And you saw nothing. 

[hearthouses]

top 4 works of 2023

I was tagged by @nameslikeguns and also @preseriesdean was an inspiration, but I modified it to four because I'm not super proud of any of my edits this year and I wasn't able to squeeze out another fic before the end of the year, so we're going with top four! I am also not going to rank them, but list them in chronological order from their posting date.

This year was a better year than the last two in terms of writing output, I had a rough 2021 and posted nothing, and only posted one fic in 2022, so four is a massive improvement, even if it feels miniscule compared of other people's outputs. The Fall was when I was most productive and I am very proud of what I wrote then, exploring concepts I was particularly interested in, even if it's not the most popular and putting myslf out there regardless.

I think I would have continued that streak had I not gotten covid, then 2+ months of complications from covid, but I am trying to drag myself out of that funk. I am hoping to write more in 2024 as I have so many WIPs I want to get to and finish.

Anyway, here's the list:

1. when you're smiling and astride me

This was the first work I posted this year. It felt good to write it, but it also came with some challenges because I wrote it for an exchange and I was very nervous with some of the concepts and how they would go over. But the exchange itself was based on the idea of freeing your id and going wild, so I eventually just went with it and this was the result. I really love exploring Dean's feelings about his body and gender expression, and how Sam helps with it, and my only regret is I wish it was longer.

2. you say, go fast (i say, hold on tight)

This was written in a haze of early Fall because of another exchange that created a level of freedom that unlocked something in my brain that kept me from second guessing myself. It sprang from a concept fanvid and I came up with the idea wholesale from some mental images and let the story happen. I'm very fond of the result, even if it feels saccharine and too sweet and romantic for some. I really love the vibes and the imagery, plus how in love Sam and Dean are.

3. the landscape after cruelty

The process for this fic was grueling. No idea was working the way I wanted, so I needed to come up with a new idea altogether and at times, I almost didn't finish this fic. I have no playlist because I needed quiet to work on this. None of my usual preparations for writing fic worked for this one. The subject matter was daunting and I'm still unsure if I accomplished what I set out to, but I am proud of it. It's not very popular and I wonder if I hit the wrong notes often, but I'm also very protective of it. It's a weird fic that I'm not sure how I feel about the end result 100%, but I had to at least try and explore my feelings around the subject matter.

4. we could live forever in each other’s faces

This fic was written during the height of my illness. It wasn't supposed to be the fic I wrote because I had bigger plans (longer, more complicated fics), so I needed to scale them down to something more managable. How I did that was I chose to write the scenes in a series of drabbles, double drabbles, and triple drabbles, so I could focus on the preciseness of the word count. While this style of writing might feels limiting, it helps me to focus. I really love the dreamy, fairytale-like result of this. I still want to write a longer fic about these themes, but I am glad I wrote this all the same.

[callibones]

hello!!! 🩸🟪 again. sorry for asking so early in the morning--i know you said you timed your last poast so i would see it so i feel bad for changing my hours but i had some extra free time. in the future you don't have to time your responses if you dont wanna. i peruse your blog at least once a week or so so ill probably find things ! and i dont wanna bother you first thing, thank you SO MUCH for that injoke guide! i'm like lvl 500 autistic so i had trouble figuring them out naturally. this makes things sm easier.

second thing... you have a bill cipher fictive? that's inch resting. i think i might also be plural too but i'm kinda off and on about it. but when u said that i looked back at the post they made and it was tagged with a #👁️? and then i looked at your other posts and there's a few tagged with a #👑. and your posts are usually tagged with #callie.txt.exe. so i thought hm. so i don't make any mistakes--what's your bill cipher fictive's name? how many people are there? is callie around the majority of the time? this is probably invasive so you don't need to respond to any of this JKHJBGVFCDXRCFGVHBJKNHBGVFCDXCGHBJKNHJBGVFCDGFVHBJ. also ive definitely Won and have obtained zero shelled feelings ever absolutely.

third. I LOVED OIL AND WATER!!! thank you sm. i haven't finished reading through all the other fics you reblogged though so when i do ill send you my thoughts on all of them in a different ask. you are so Based but not in a weird way in like a cool awesome way. fourth. i.. do rlly wanna dm you but my main thing is that i kind of Lost access to my main account a bit ago? idk how i was just stupid and Forgor

so ive been slowly trying to rebuild it on this new one. problem is, it's not Done yet. i'm worried im going to dm you and it will be Incomplete and you will forever perceive me as a Flawed, Unfinished version of myself. it would simply tarnish the wonderful 🩸🟪 brand, you know?

so i think.. if i do dm you, it'll be in a little while. i'll probably create a dedicated sideblog for the occasion when i do, ok? i do wanna hear you yap in a more controlled environment.

last thing i swear. so this actually has NOTHING to do with anything else you said but im like freaking out. so i checked your youtube channel and i noticed your description.

television for a head.

this is cool and all and your sona is SO AWESOME but this also Sucks for me because this ENTIRE TIME i've been drawing you as a computer! i have so much callibones fanart of you as a fucking desktop where it's like nested so your monitor has a little desktop assistant that is also you and it goes on forever and ever and ever with even smaller callies and that idea was WRONG!! i shouldve known from the antennae but i thought that was a bug thing not a tv thing (which, by the way, excellent choice on your part. when i'm not an assembly of shapes, i do enjoy being an insect.) but i was a FOOL!!!

so this makes me realize hey wait what else am i getting wrong? this thing is colored differently in this image than all the other images. what's the correct thing to do? and i came to the conclusion that i need to just ASK YOU! (wow who could've guessed. you're so smart.) yeah! i am! the smartest in the whole world even

if you happen to have any, i need reference sheets of your sona. if you have reference sheets of the alternate variants (or are those headmates? i saw one was called calliope and i think there was a bill cipher one so is that the fictive? i don't know but i want to draw them) those would be appreciated too. i have made a grave error and i must resolve it immediately.

with that. um. thank you for humoring me, id like to thank all our sponsors for getting me to write this ask, i will join the discord servers and message you one day because i am Not Afraid of Anything in the Whole Wide World. toodles

HELLO 🩸🟪! hope i didnt keep you waiting too long.... wanted to finish my ref first! PLUS i got a whoooole buncha busy goin on so im SUPER occupied.... but now i got time just for YOU! i definitely didnt time this one im just postin it now that i Can.... but im sure you can use the tag and your weekly browsing skills to find your way back here. hehehehe.

SECOND: very observant! yes, while we haven't made an official post for it, calliope uses the crown emoji and calcifer uses the eye emoji! that's his name, by the way. in fact, here's the whole gang, labeled with NAMES & PRONOUNS!

("who the fuck" is me, sorry. hehehehe.) (putting the id on this one out here so its easier. from left to right, you got:

the commissariat (she/they) in red, in a fancy longcoat with a jacket makin a serious pose

me, callie (it/fae/she) in green, in my usual "have a rotten day" top that shows my bra a lil and my short skirt

calliope (she/thon) in purple, wearing thons over-the-top storm supervillain dress

calcifer (he/she/it/they and it insisted on including "calcifae/calcifaer" as well) in yellow, with a suit, a shorter skirt than mine, a sword, and the bill cipher triangle-eye pose

and callyris (she/it) in pink, with short-shorts and a crop top fully showin its maintenance panel.

i'm around the majority of the time, but there's five of us includin' me and Calcifer! he's more than just bill cipher, btw. he's he/him lesbian bill cipher! hehehehe. he's also like genuinely growing as a person and i'm REALLY proud of him. also it's okay i have shelled one feelings too. calcifer says you're probably pretty easy to take advantage of and should call her.

THIRD: YAY! cedardivine, who made that peanutiel story, JUST made a separate post the other day with all thons blaseball writing. so GO CHECK THAT OUT! i sure plan to. :-D

FOURTH: cmon you dont gotta brand. EVERYONES flawed and unfinished! including me! im fucked upppp dont put me on a pedestal. im incomplete too!!!!

FIFTH HERES MY REF!!!! i made it just for you (genuinely!) so you GOTTA show me your fanart now because omg? omg???? omg???????? you made fanart of me? sobbing and crying??

also youre KINDA right about the desktop assistant thing! i fuckin love the nestedness so much and theres definitely some stuff where i imply that! but thats because.... so the actual sona is a desktop assistant virus thing. but fae takes on the appearance of a tv-head bot! so when fae's in The Real World fae uses a Made Physical version of that same cartoony self to walk around in. and on that robot's an OS running... the actual desktop assistant! so while it's not infinitely nested, you're right that my reality is Layered. i wonder if it could go deeper than that....

theres not a lotta art of the others YET but heres SOME FUCKIN AWESOME ART MY WONDERFUL FRIEND OF RIGORMARCY DREW OF THON so lookat that.

and here's calcifer's never-before-posted discord pfp, just for you:

calcifer sez: THERE'S MY CARD! GIMME A RING IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A NEW DEITY TO CHAT UP. THE SHELLED ONE MAY BE DEAD, BUT I'M AROUND FOREVER! FOREVER.

so. do what you will with this information.

IN CONCLUSION please send me your fanart if you wanna and feel like it because thats SO AWESOME that you made some... literally misty eyed.... ill look forward to your next correspondence whether i know you as 🩸🟪 or as whatever your name is on whatever platform you wanna reach me with! feel free to shoot me a friend request on discord if tumblr aint workin for ya. tell em 🩸🟪 sent ya! because that's you. and you can send you. But not in the mail, unfortunately. 1984.

UNTIL NEXT TIME GOOBY!!!!

[bulletproofscales]

Hey there, hope you’re well! Love your work, it’s amazing. Hope you don’t mind me asking, but was really interested in how you started writing BTS wg fics and which member of youe favourite to write about? always love your work and excited for whatever comes next :)

omg hiii!! ⸜( *ˊᵕˋ* )⸝ first of all, thank you soso much for the support?!!?!? it always makes me happy to see likes/reblogs/ao3 comments from blogs i recognize (ಥ﹏ಥ) and this ask,,, youre making my day.

i got inot a ramble so ill put one of these hehe sorry (ง ื▿ ื)ว

i dont mind the question at all!! even if i was a deep lurker in feedism communities of most of my fandoms. looking "chubby draco malfoy " into google images since 2012 (￣▽￣*)ゞ and later religiously following wg-writers of whatever fandom i migrated through. i would always send so many asks, and when i got into BTS i was older, and properly aware of what feedism was, and actively looking for it on tumblr. back then it was a handful of people with now deactivated blogs and @bangtanstummies (who as im writing this blog see has a deactivated blog as well :,) , i swear going through my dms is like going through a cementary) . i try to stay in touch with as many of the people now as i can!! but everyone will know im the suckiest at texts (@cookiesuga55 will know ) but id love to chat more and be more present

anyway back to the community in 2018, i really loved their stuff, and i felt like there was still room to add new ideas (which was hard in a fandom with as much fanficiton as BTS's) , thats what inspired to make my blog!! back then it was claled bangtangchub, and i didnt know how to activate my asks, bangtanstummies was the one to let me know and we even got into a discord all of us together!!! crazy times ( ◡‿◡ *) i remember being the oldest of the group👴 i was 15 at the time, some coudl argue it wasn't my place to be writing fetish fanfiction, maybe theyre right. but i found such a happy place in my fics. not only have i met some of my closest friends through here; (people ive met in real life!?!? ) but its helped me so much to find a safe place to explore my emotions, sexuality, and craft a hobby that was all my own. i dont think im that good of a writer, but i am really so proud of having stuck to something for so long, and having worked on it all by myself.

often times i feel like i lack the motivation to do anything with my life, and just all-around consider myself someone who lacks the strength and backbone to really do hard things. and i like to think of this blog, and my journey in it, as a place that proof i can... idk,, be good at things i worked hard on.

ANYWAY!! that was a long rant. As for the character i like writing the most about!! welli role play as jungkook almost daily! so i do feel a lot of myself in him. but i love writing all characters, over the years i really made an effort to not fall into a comfortable ship, because i really do think you could spin a wheel and whatever combination of bts members ahs their own unique loving dynamic.

as for things to come!! im working on a fic inspired by some art i saw recently by @gigichingado , jikook, im really liking how its turning out, and ofc because its me, its stretching out more and more in the build up ( _ _ ") . but i want it done over this week!! ps, i saw your obese tae requests, and i can definetly get something out after that (｡•̀ᴗ-)✧

thank you for asking and giving me a place to rant!!

[quiet-admirer]

I got an ID photo taken today and it was an entire experience that I needed to write out. I think it wants to be a zine or part of a zine or a loose comic or something, but I don't have zine energy right now and I don't know when I will, so I'm just posting it like this:

Badge

Today I had my photo taken for a new ID badge at work.

I didn’t necessarily need a new photo: I’m transferring to a new position internally, and could have used the one my employer has on file, but the old one was from 2017 and it felt like it was time.

The 2017 photo is a very specific snapshot of time in my life. I had been maintaining a steady weight after eating disorder recovery for about a year, and I’d never been that big before. My eyes are half closed in the photo and my hair is at an awkward length of beginning to grow out the buzz cut I gave myself in 2015 to erase everything and start again during a turbulent mental health time. That work photo was taken shortly before I started Adderall and lost about 20 pounds, and years before I started HRT and gained about 60 pounds. I have a small kind-of double chin in the photo, but it’s the kind that goes and comes with posture or a smile.

I have a double chin now. Maybe if there’s a trick of the light in a photograph it might go unnoticed – a privilege, I know – but it’s always at least a little present now.

This morning, I make a mental note to remind myself to maybe try stretching my neck a little or raising my chin when I'm in front of the camera. I want to protect myself from the possibility that the long-buried disordered thoughts will use this photo as a chance to get their hooks in again if I’m surprised by how fat my face looks in the photo.

A line from a Touché Amoré song, “Reminders,” loops into my head.

“I tilt my chin up in photographs, a subtle way to reinvent the past.”

It isn’t until I’m getting dressed to leave the house that the words reach me.

I think about a comment on an Instagram video of a dozen or so high schoolers having fun sitting around a table together that was captioned as having been taken in 2003. It was some little outburst about how they all looked so slim and happy, unlike today’s teens who are fat and depressed and chronically online.

I think about the photos I have of my mom when I was a kid, where she’d stand in the back, pull us in front of her. I think about the photos I don’t have of my mom when I was a kid.

I think about all the gaps in fat existence – fat joy – in our collective historical records, and about the social media accounts who have to go out of their way to bring images of fatness to the surface.

I’m determined by the time I get in front of the camera.

I smile and I keep my head in its neutral, comfortable position.

There’s anticipation instead of apprehension when I go around to the other side of the computer to see my face.

It’s so severely washed out by the harsh white lights that I can’t quite make out my double chin. Or my acne, which I decided not to cover up with makeup today either.

(When I was in college, I had my photo taken for the yearbook. There was a check box on the form to opt into having photo correction of “blemishes.” I didn’t check it off, even though it was an anxious decision. My acne was what it was, or I was trying to teach myself that it was what it was. I cried when I got the photos back. They’d edited out my acne anyway.)

It occurs to me that the lighting’s probably on purpose.

But the photo still looks like me.

The lighting can’t hide my round face, the way my jaw and my neck blend together in a gentle slope instead of a cut edge.

Even if I had tried to disguise my double chin, I wouldn't have been able to hide my size. I decide that I like that about my face – the only part of my body I still get self-conscious about sometimes.

The song "Reminders" by Touché Amoré is an expression of frustration that the Systems That Be fail to provide us with the care and protection and support we need. A music video for the song was released in 2020, made from stitching together clips of family and friends of the band with their pets during the isolation of COVID-19 restrictions.

Maybe it was silly to think of my employer as an avenue for defiant fat self-expression and maybe my work-issued ID with my inerasably fat face on it is a drop in an important bucket. But I'm turning around and putting these words down and showing them to a community of other fat people. And I'm looking at my own face in the mirror with the knowledge that I'm slowly inventing a future for myself where there isn't any trick of the light or tilt of my chin that can omit my fatness.

[forlorn-crows]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let’s spread the self-love 💗

im not usually good with these, but i can share some of the ones ive really enjoyed writing:

Learning to Swim

my first in depth gill fic; just something about rain being obsessed with himself and mountain being so loving, attentive, and zoned in on rain's pleasure . . . it was after a period of writing where nothing felt "right," and i think this fic helped me tap back in to my writing voice. i wanted to showcase the emotions of teaching moments; i dont think we get to see that too often, let alone the 'clumsiness' and hesitation of them.

2. this ficlet featuring transmasc cirrus & aether

i dont think very many people read this one. but i love the idea of a magick strap where the user can feel everything while in a hot, gender affirming scene. i dont see very often that we 'trans' any of the ghoulettes, and i love the dynamic cirrus and aether have, so i thought they'd fit well here. something about he/him cirrus feels right to me, and nice to explore.

3. tough love

void's [@divine-misfortune's] fault (affectionate). we have so many discussions about quintosis and hypno kink that i love, and this was borne from one of them. omega's backwards way of showing his love, while also getting to Fuck with zephyr. going against their will to do something for their benefit, even though you know they'll wake up later and curse out omega for doing it.

4. mushy may 2024 day 5: animals

hank the raccoon and juniper the cat, two of my beloved animal OCs. theyre just fun to write about, and have a simple, yet fun love for each other. mountain, of course, is always caught in the middle.

5. Yours In The End

a fic meant really to channel negative feelings into. im still feeling a lot of the emotions that went into writing this. but also the dynamic of dew and mountain and aether's relationship after Everything Happened is meaningful in so many ways to me. the way they have to navigate a scary new world, and all they have is each other.

6. this big boy quintosis sandwich ficlet

to be honest its one of my own fics i go back and re-read all the time. i just like mountain zonked and helpless between two beefy, daddy quint ghouls, okay?

7. mushy may 2023 day 8: first time

another one of my own fics i go back to. the pause they have before falling into one another; you just know theyve danced around each other for a hot minute. but they're both new, freshly summoned. they have to figure out their own bodies, let alone who and how they want to share them with. but its just . . . easy for them to make that jump. and i do enjoy little dick mountain from time to time.

8. this terzomega ficlet

the one and only time ive written these two, though i dont know why that is. but this one i had fun with the scene setting and action descriptions, i felt like i had a clear image in my mind's eye and really put it down on paper. i really love omega and terzo's dynamic too, so that made it an enjoyable writing session. this was shortly after JHKM came out, so i snuck a reference to the line "get on your knees and start prayin'" in there.

you'll notice Lady of the Lake is not on this list, because all i did was cry about it for months, and then beat myself up to finish it for the first day of kinktober '23. it was not necessarily fun to write, but the concept itself i enjoyed, lmao

xx

@iamthecomet, @waywardsamaritan, @askingforthesun, @wrathofrats, and @ghoul-slime id be interested to know some of the fics you'd put on your own lists!