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sparks-and-smoke · 2 days ago
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Hello! Could I get a fic about Bucky accidentally finding the reader’s Christmas gifts to him? Maybe he tries (and fails) to act surprised?
Thank you (ps I know it’s after Christmas, sue me)
Aww~ I don't care that it's too late for the holidays. It's cute! Merry Christmas (belated)
Characters/Pairings: Bucky x reader (code name honey)
Content/Warnings: none it’s just goofy holiday fluff
Author Note: merry late Christmas, this may or may not be loosely based in the Fate Stone AU I have brewing. (which since you are my beta reader ;) you already know about it.)
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You are a notoriously bad gift giver, Bucky had been warned many times. He didn’t really care. As long as it came from the heart it couldn’t possibly be that bad. He could put up with socks or a cheesy mug as long as it came from you. But this was worse, so much worse. 
“Sam, I don't even know what to do with it.” Bucky rubbed his eyes with the palm of his hands, confiding in the only other person he knew that wouldn’t immediately tell Honey. “Can I be honest here, it’s hideous.”
Sam was keeping a pretty good poker face over his mug poker but the situation was undeniably funny. “It can’t possibly be that bad.” But Bucky’s mortified face said it all. “Why were you spying on her gift away?”
“I didn’t mean too! Necessarily. She hid it in the bottom of the closet, man. She didn’t even hide it well... I’m a spy, I notice things. Plus it was pretty hard to miss.” The blanket had been tucked away in the back of the walk-in closet under a few other things. But the obnoxious colors of the corner peeking out from under the folded jeans had caught his eyes. They didn’t own anything in orange. Anything.  
His honey had gotten him a blanket, which would normally have been so very sweet seeing how Bucky hated being cold, but it wasn’t just a blanket. It was one of those viral blankets, the ones that are loosely based on 70’s rock band merch with lighting and thunder clouds rolling in the background. It’s featured pictures of Alpine, every goofy spastic picture of the cat that his girl could find with her name in the boldest font Bucky had ever seen. Honestly it hurt his eyes, and as Bucky went about describing it to Sam the other man damn near fell out of his chair. 
“That is perfect. No really I think she might be a genius. I’m gonna need a video of you opening that one.” Sam goaded.
“You're not helping.” Bucky growls, guilt twisting in his guts like a worm, but Sam was too busy laughing to try and give a shit. “How am I gonna act surprised now? Let alone be excited?”
“I don’t dude, I guess you need to start taking an acting class.” Sam wiped the tears from his eyes.
~~~~
Bucky watched with crinkled eyes as you opened your gifts from him. A nice wool winter coat because all you owned was a puffer, and while it was adorable on you and always kept you warm you always said you wanted something dressier for date night. And in your stocking an assortment of your favorite treats, skin care you were low on, and that perfume that you had been drooling over since October but always talked yourself out of because of the price tag. Bucky had been making a list since your birthday, keeping tabs on what you lingered on in stores and what you sighed at as you scrolled. He knew his girl and he knew her well. And the way you lit up with every item told him he hit it out of the park. 
“Do you like it Honey?” he asked, his chin propped on his hand. His face couldn’t have been softer or voice more full of love as he watched you glow with joy. 
“I love it. How did you even know what eye cream I use?” 
“It wasn't that hard doll.” Bucky laughed, it sits in a clear box on your vanity of course he knows. 
“Here! Open yours.” You hand him his stocking and the present wrapped in pretty silver paper, looking so excited you may vibrate across the floor. He plastered on his best game face as his stomach did a little flip. Do not ruin this for her Barnes. 
He starts with the stocking. Pulling out body wash and a cologne scented with that smoky bourbon and apple scent you were fond of, along with a small batch roasted coffee and some new gloves. So far so good, and he made sure to kiss you. “I love it honey.”
“Yeah, but you haven’t opened your big one.” you say with a twinkle in your eyes that makes him wanna melt into the floor. Should he tell her, confess he saw it? Risk it and pretend he loves it? 
“You’re right I haven’t.” he corrects himself with a smile picking up the package. It was instantly heavier than he remembered and as he tears open the package he has a brief (very guilty) moment of hoping that maybe he was wrong…
But no there it is. That hideous blanket that he knows instantly from the look on your face he is gonna end up snuggling under for the rest of time just to see you smile the way you are right in this moment. He opened his mouth to tell you thanks as genuinely as he could muster but honey was already biting her bottom lip. A fit of giggles falling out of her. “You already saw it didn’t you!” she managed to get out between chitters. 
“What?! No- I…” 
A pillow from the couch flew at his head. “I knew you would. You little sneak, you do this every year!” Honey chastised as Bucky dodged another swing with the pillow. 
“Hey! Whoa!” Bucky's arms go up in a weak attempt at blocking her little onslaught. “I didn’t mean too!”
“Bullshit James Buchanan!” thump, a hit to his ribs. “You did it on your birthday.” Whack, a bump to the top of his head. “You somehow sniffed out the tickets I bought to Coney Island.” one more swing but this time Bucky caught the pillow, pulling you into his lap with it. 
“I did not do it on purpose!” he defended, but he was beaming. Eyes crinkling in the corner as she glared playfully. “I didn’t!” 
“Yeah, you just somehow stumbled upon the blanket I hid under the laundry in the back of our closet.”
“I was looking for my coat!” 
“On the ground?”
Bucky was caught, because yes he had been looking. He always did. The man couldn’t help it, he always was just too curious. “Yea, I thought so you little rat! Do you like it?” she asks earnestly. And Bucky feels that gnawing feeling again, trying not to let it show on his face. 
“It’s… super fluffy.” he tries to deflect, hating to lie to honey, but her face is already breaking into a grin. What the hell?
“You hate it.” she beams. “It’s hideous huh?”
Bucky frowns, slouching back in his chair. Did she want him to hate it. “Uh, yeah it is..” 
“Good thing it’s not your actual present huh.” 
Bucky's eyes narrow. “You little-” She did this on purpose, hid the most outrageous thing she could find just to punish him for spoiling presents. Clever girl. Weeks of fretting over how he was gonna pull this off and SHE KNEW THE WHOLE TIME. With a giggle honey climbs off his lap and back behind the couch, pulling out a slim package from the cavern behind, and Bucky’s face nearly splits in half. 
“Here. Merry Christmas.” She offers him the parcel with a kiss, sitting in his lap as he unwraps it, and he feels his heart flutter a little. It’s a scrapbook. Full of pictures of him, her, Alpine and their friends. Taken by everyone who has known them the last few years. There isn’t a lot, he doesn’t like taking pictures, preferring to take them. So she must have scoured their friends' phones to find all of these and Bucky can feel tear picking the backs of his eyes. Good tears. 
“Thank you Honey. I love it. I love you…”
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wildflowerwoodsworld · 2 days ago
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Wild's Black Clover Fic Recs
I did have one list, but Tumblr wouldn't let me post is all as one, so stay tuned for Part Two with more shippy fics
So, I've seen a lot of these floating around over the years and they all seem to have the same dozen fics on them, so I want to try and highlight some of the lesser known fics in this fandom I love alongside some of the more well-known ones. (Note: I have done my best to avoid reccing more than three/four fics by the same person to make sure plenty of authors make it onto the list, not just the popular ones)
This is not just my tastes, I have asked a lot of other people in this fandom for their own fic recs to compile into this list.
Disclaimer: despite my best attempts to be unbiased with this list, I'm human. There are some amazing fics that I haven't personally read bc they contain my NOTPs or tags I don't like or they just squick me out. This is not a complete list of fics in the fandom you should read. This is a list of fics I, and my friends, like.
I will also not be including any purely smut fics on this list.
Wordcounts have been rounded to the nearest 1000 words. They might be slightly longer or slightly shorter than the wordcount listed.
With that being said, let's get into it!
Gen Bulls-Centric Fics
I'm going to preface this entry with the statement that I was not intending to put any of my own fics on this list. Then I had several people tell me that I needed to include this. So here it is.
Crytpid Black Bulls (Series) by WildflowerWoods
Rating: T Ships: Gen Black Bulls Length: 130k The Black Bulls are the cryptids of the Clover Kingdom. AKA a series of short stories about the Black Bulls and everyone else coming to realise just how crazy they are. Not in chronological order.
Small Problems by eclipsingbinary
(I would also reccomend the series this fic is attatched to)
Rating: T Ships: Gen Black Bulls Length: 52k Yami sends out four of his magic knights to investigate a well explored dungeon. Three of them come back a little different. The story of Yami's adventures in unexpected fatherhood, Asta's sudden promotion to 'not the youngest member of the squad anymore' and Vanessa's new talents in children's toy manufacture. Also featuring unpleasant realisations, child endangerment and a hefty dose of making things better with cuddles and pancakes.
hearts can break, but can also be mended by Katcchan
Rating: G Ships: Yami & Finral, Black Bulls & Finral Length: 3k A few days after the Royal Knights Selection Exam, Finral wakes up to Yami talking to William and his brother, Langris.  Finral + Yami/Black Bulls hurt/comfort fic!
love, i've lost a screw or two, so could i snag a spare off you? by JadeGM
Rating: G Ships: Yami & Everyone Length: 2k After the final battle against the Dark Triad, the Black Bulls all want to make sure their captain's okay - and they're not the only ones.
Found My Heart and Broke It Here by JadeGM
Rating: M Ships: Luck & Magna, Luck & Vanessa Length: 5k Being bodysnatched via forbidden magic isn't a pleasant sensation for anyone, but it works out especially badly in combination with Luck's natural mana sensitivity. There will be hugs at the end, just as in canon.
The Place I Call Home by Oighear
Rating: G Ships: Gen Black Bulls Length: 3k Day 8: Free prompt- Home How the Black Bulls made their base and their squad their home.
A Bird in the Rain by Acacia_May
Rating: T Ships: Finral & Yami & Vanessa & Gordon Length: 2k If Captain Yami is being honest, he doesn't know what to make of the poor girl who followed him home from the Forest of Witches and who, for some unfathomable reason, still hasn't left yet. When the Black Bulls get caught in a torrential downpour in the middle of nowhere, however, he gets to see a completely new side of her and a new side of his squad as well. Maybe she belongs with them after all. Pre-Series Black Bulls Family Fluff and Fluffy Team Bonding. This is all about the love of a found family and friendship. I guess if you really wanted to see some of the relationships as romantic you could(?), but this is not a romantic work (beyond just the tiniest bit of Finral being Finral, I guess haha). This story takes place before "Yellow Flowers," but you don't have to read that story in order to understand this one. Rating is for some language. Thank you for reading! Cheers!!
Spin the Wheel by Cyrooo
Rating: G Ships: Gen Black Bulls boys Length: 1k Day Two: Competition In which eight black bulls members play Twister under the watchful eyes of their captain and vice captain and it's as horrible as it sounds, really.
Let Us Be Stars (ongoing) by Teleportation_Magic
Rating: Not Rated Ships: Asta & Noelle Length: 7k Her legs were shaking. Asta was somewhere, ahead of her, sword in hand and a sort of never-ending conviction in his heart. She couldn’t match that, shouldn’t have tried, really, since she was going to end up dead now. And then the sky lights up. Or, Noelle and Asta find themselves in the Purple Orcas with enemies on all sides and a corrupt Captain. However, their fate is still inextricably tied to the squad of criminals as their enemies gather and pounce.
Fortune Favours the Bold by BeamMeUpCas
Rating: G Ships: Asta & Yuno, Yami & Finral, Asta & Finral Length: 21k A few months after the Eye of the Midnight Sun attacked the capital, rebuilding efforts are still ongoing. The Diamond Kingdom capitalizes on this opportunity, threatening the borderlands. The Black Bulls, amongst others, are sent to quell the insurgence. But when a lucky strike leaves Asta badly hurt, Finral, Yami, and Yuno need to do the unthinkable to keep their friend alive.
Hunted by eclipsingbinary, finralroulacoolsa
Rating: T Ships: Finral & Magna Length: 100k Liliane Vaude stands at a crossroads in her garden. In one universe she turns right. In another, she turns left and finds her son and stepson chatting together instead of doing lessons. She knows now that Finral is holding Langris back. They need to get Finral out of the house before he corrupts Langris with his idleness. That Magic Knight they met at Gueldre’s party was interested in spatial magic. He might be convinced to take Finral away to mentor him in the city. Six years later, Magna Swing is trying to improve his magic after failing the Magic Knight entrance exam. He is cold, wet, and hungry. Surely one night in a warm basement is not going to do any harm. He is not expecting what, or who he finds.
New Squad-mate, Who Dis? by ZirconiumDragon
Rating: T Ships: Finral & Zora & Asta Length: 2k Finral wakes up to find that his squad suddenly has a new member.
Fears, Insomnia, White Wine, and Hugs by unfortunately_i_love_it
Rating: T Ships: Finral & Vanessa Length: 5k No. No, he can’t. He can’t. This... This is already so stupid. So stupid of his thoughts and so stupid of him for letting the thoughts get to him like this. He couldn’t tell her what was wrong. He couldn’t tell her what was wrong because there was nothing wrong. It was fine. He was fine. He’s just overreacting. He’s just being stupid. He’s just being- “-pathetic.” Or: Vanessa comforts Finral after a rough bout of un-gucci thoughts following a rough battle.
Crazy Trust Thing by eclipsingbinary
Rating: T Ships: Finral & Yami & Vanessa Length: 24k The Black Bulls are given an undercover mission to take down mage-traffickers on the border. It sounds dangerous to Finral, but anything is better than being in the Capital when his family arrives for Langris’s Magic Knight Exam. Yami would just like his ride to come off the roof. Featuring hurt Finral, lots of comfort, finding a family and finding a home. Also known as “the story of why Captain Yami never asks Finral to ‘push past his limits’ when he says he cannot make a portal.”
The sides of Finral (Vaude) Roulacase by Lacris03
Rating: T Ships: Finral & The Black Bulls, Finral & Langris Length: 14k Finral is known to be a happy-go-lucky member of the Black Bulls. But everyone has more than one side to them. Finral is no different. The series of one-shots will mainly focus on the various sides to one Finral Roulacase and how it changes everything yet nothing at the same time.
It's Okay. We'll Just Keep Finding Ourselves by ZirconiumDragon
Rating: G Ships: Finral & The Black Bulls Length: 19k 5 Times Finral helped his squadmates. And one time he was helped in return. (Or maybe he was really being helped all along.) Alternatively: The Black Bulls are a family. And Finral is the mom friend.
Lumiereward by Cyrooo
Rating: G Ships: Nero & Lumiere, Nero & the Black Bulls Length: 1k Nero misses home. (Always). OR: Nero is a compass and Lumiere is her north.
faith bleeds through the cracks by TellNearaToWrite
Rating: T Ships: Finral & Yami Length: 8k Yami knew three things. First, that being a squad captain was shaping up to be a lot like fatherhood, and second, he was definitely not cut out for that shit. Third. Well. Julius had a lot to answer for, that was for sure. The least he could do was help a bit.
Why Asta (and Liebe) are Banned From the Kitchen by bluemeanies
Rating: G Ships: Asta & Liebe Length: 2k After Yami's katana becomes Demon Slicer and joins Asta's grimoire, Asta and Liebe start looking for other things that could be good anti-magic weapons. Liebe might be taking the concept a little too far.
Flower Crowns by AngelicCharizard
Rating: G Ships: Asta & Liebe Length: 1k During an off day, Asta decides it's a great idea to bring a devil to a church
Gen Not Bulls-Centric Fics
Think about it (Series) by thoughtfullyrainynightmare
Rating: G Ships: none Length: 6k This is a collection of short drabbles that exist to give insight to the canon characters presented in Black Clover from my personal perspective. This is about how I see them
What you sow by Willows_Bend (Katy_Stark)
Rating: G Ships: Jack & Charlotte & Yami Length: 1k Jack didn't know what to expect when he walked into their shared apartment living room. Yami glaring at a tiny plant in a pot while trying to navigate the language of botany was not one of them.
Black Clover: Captain Yami's Rescuers by YenGirl
Rating: Not Rated Ships: Yami & Jack, Yami & Charlotte Length: 1k While in captivity, Captain Yami ponders the age old question of who will rescue him and William Vangeance.
What Yami Saw by BeamMeUpCas
Rating: G Ships: Yami & Nozel Length: 8k Nozel needs a favor. Yami will maybe not hold it over his head for all eternity but he'll take great delight in letting Nozel think he will.
Ten-year Rendezvous by khanh
Rating: G Ships: William & Damnatio Length: 3k William and Damnatio went out drinking once every year.
Life goes on by teaxtime
Rating: Not Rated Ships: Yuno & Belle Length: 1k Bell had lived a long time, and will be around for even longer. (Somewhat of a character study)
The Misadventures of Morning and Darkness (Series) by BBRosenfeld
Rating: G Ships: Yami & Morgen, Yami & Nacht Length: 11k Morgen and Yami are Magic Knights from the Grey Deers squad, and most unlikely of friends. However, they were as efficient as they were opposites of each other. Follow our two besties on their path towards knighthoods, in a fanfic that explores the sinfully unexplored potential of Morgen and Yami's shenanigans as Magic Knights!
Prince Sekke by Oighear
Rating: G Ships: Silva Family Length: 6k The equilibrium between the three royal families in the Clover Kingdom was fragile. If most royals believed their own House deserved to stand alone in power, they refrained from stating these thoughts and acknowledged that the other two Houses were necessary in maintaining the perfect system they had crafted. This cordial understanding was however put in great danger when none other than King Augustus Kira Clover XIII decided to make Sekke Bronzazza a prince.
When the sun sets by khanh
Rating: G Ships: William & the Golden Dawn Length: 1k On the night Zenon captured William, the Golden Dawn has an argument. “Captain Vangeance used everything he has to save us all!” “And he shouldn’t have!! What is the use of us?!”
Follow That Dream by IAmStoryteller
Rating: M Ships: Kirsch & Dorothy Length: 6k It never occurred to anyone to question how Dorothy Unsworth, a whimsical witch, earned the trust and loyalty of Kirsch Vermillion, the narcissistic, arrogant royal.
baking dawn by saikiks (jakubox)
Rating: G Ships: Langris & the Golden Dawn Length: 1k in which langris finds himself in a happy, chaotic mess.
playing pretend by November_Clouds
Rating: T Ships: Yami & William Length: 1k When Yami Finrally comes to, all he can see is darkness. day 1: waking up restrained + shackled manga spoilers!
Lay Beside Me, Under Wicked Sky by AvaCelt
Rating: G Ships: Silva Family Length: 2k Noelle leaves, and the chips fall where they do. [Silva family!fic, post-canon]
Sunset by Lanternova
Rating: G Ships: Finral & Langris Length: 2k Before leaving on his journey, Langris and Finral talk.
birdcage by dollyfish
Rating: G Ships: Finral & Langris Length: 1k here’s gold, here’s flesh, here’s a person with two eyes like a bright, vast galaxy. you’ve never even believed in eyes so honest, and you’re thirteen, you ought to have some proper experience with the world outside the mansion. but you’re also a Vaude, and you don’t. you’re facing another Vaude, and you think- just a flicker, but it’s there- you think he pities you.
Artifice by subtleassiduities
Rating: T Ships: Silva Family Length: 31k When a retrieval mission traps Nozel with a dangerous and powerful artifact, Nebra and Solid struggle to find help before time runs out for him. But their attempts are thwarted by a widespread, rapidly progressing phenomenon: Everybody in the Clover Kingdom is forgetting about Nozel Silva. Their only choice is to depend on one another-- and Noelle, the only other person who can hold onto a memory of their dear brother. Their rescue mission forces them to face their own memories, twisted against them in ways they may not be able to overcome. TL;DR: You ever see Pokemon 3: The Movie? It's kind of like that, but better.
That One Time When Julius Was Late by wintermelon_soldier
Rating: G Ships: Julius & the Captains Length: 1k "We're late... again," Marx said with a worried expression. "Don't worry, Marx. I'm sure everything is just f-" The Magic Emperor pushed both doors open hoping to greet the Captains only to be welcomed by a vast wasteland. The conference room where it once stood is replaced by a large, empty landmass with no trees or building in sight. "W-what in the world is happening?" Marx cried at his mentor.
Ghosts by IAmStoryteller
Rating: T Ships: Julius & Everyone Length: 3k Julius has a bit of a secret. He can see ghosts of his dear departed friends.
OC Centric Fics
Paper Hearts (Ongoing) by KaLolasFantasyWorld
Rating: M Ships: Nozel/OC Length: 270k Helena Drazel is a twenty five year old Royal from Diamond Kingdom. She's a charming and cheerful woman, ready to leave the sheltered embrace of her family's estate. Her mother previously a Clover citizen and an old friend of late Acier Silva, gets her daughter an invitation to study healing magic in the Capital. Because of that friendship Helena is placed under the care of Royal House of Silva. However the siblings, especially the eldest Nozel, are not so fond of her at the beginning. You don't have to know the Black Clover story to read this. I'll be the explaining the world as the story progresses. It will be happening throughout the main events of the whole Black Clover animated series starting from the beginning (episodes 5 - 170), but I will describe them from Helena's perspective. This is a romance, but also a Silva family redemption story and a long slow burn, with many platonic relationships and BC characters appearances. It's canon plus meanwhile... Other ships will appear later in the story. There are some illustrations ;) I will include notes about possible anime spoilers. Prepare yourself for lots of laughter, drama, spanglish, angst and sexual tension. Enjoy <3
Embers of Sun and Flame by thoughtfullyrainynightmare
Rating: M Ships: Fuegoleon/OC Length: 243k This is a love story that unfolds during troubling times. Clover Kingdom facing threats from all around, but still two souls battle to merge themselves into one. Though it is not easy, especially given that one of them is not from Clover herself. But will their efforts be enough? Will their tender emotions burst into flames or shall the faintly flickering embers dim down and die out in the ashes? Read to find out ;) The story continues in "Embers of Sun and Flame: Before We Have It"
Children of the Future by LightNova
Rating: T Ships: Next Gen kids & their parents, YamiChar, Greyche, Zobra, Fuegoleon/OC, FinVan, William/OC, Julius/OC, Astelle, Yuno/OC Length: 105k When Yami and Charlotte had been summoned to see the Wizard king they had not been expecting to find out they had a 19 year old daughter from the future! Nor had they been expecting even more children from the future to appear in their world shortly after her. Just what was going on, and who was sending them here and why?
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measureformeasure · 1 year ago
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Elektra in Mycenae, Casey J. King
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therealcallmekd · 2 months ago
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And On Next.... The Weather!
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doubt any of you woulda expected this one did ya!
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*thinking about the villains' tragic fates*
You know, their routes never really talk too much about their fates and how it effects them mentally. Or how the MC feels about it, and dealing with the fear and angst of it with the slight exception of William's route
*eyes widen*
... I think I know what the sequels are gonna be about
#I am scared both because it will be angsty and because they might not do this and mess up the sequels#from what I can tell Ikemen sequels can be pretty hard to do right#partly because the playerbase has over a year to imagine their own post-route and get attached to that#and because added onto an already finished story can be difficult without potentially accidentally undoing the efforts of the characters#I haven't read a lot of ikemen sequels so I could be wrong#but Ikevil doesn’t have this problem so much because it feels like there are some loose threads left with their relationship and character#not enough that it leaves you unsatisfied but enough that you could definitely expand upon it#I guess the tricky thing then would be expanding upon it in a way that people like#but for me I noticed some of the routes don't feel like one full finished story in terms of their relationship#it feels like the beginning of something#specifically I get that feeling for Liam's and Harrison's route#like the story ends with them getting together because we spent the whole story getting to know each other and learning their backstory#but it still feels like there's stuff to untangle and figure out in a relationship with them#I just hope that some of the sequels will be more slow paced#and whatever Crown mission going on is only meant to enhance the character journey like in Elbert's route#instead of being the main source of drama#but it could depend with the character and what type of story a sequel for them would be best for#like William's sequel being more action-packed and stakes while Liam's is more soft#I feel like that would fit them#thank you for coming to my ted talk#...in the tags#ikevil#ikemen villains#ikemen series
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marshmallowgoop · 1 year ago
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And you never know... what could happen to one of us someday.
An edit I feel like I've wanted to make in some capacity ever since I first started editing. Song is "Mohan Kaitou" by NormCore, which you can listen to in full here! This video itself can also be viewed on YouTube, in 1080p and with soft subs that can be toggled on and off.
Many thanks to @blenderfullasarcasm for the English translation of the lyrics!
#detective conan#case closed#heiji hattori#shinichi kudo#conan edogawa#funimation english dub script#video#amv#my amvs#eye strain#blood#normcore#モハンカイトウ#i have so many thoughts about this video that i considered attaching an essay to this post...#but maybe it's best to keep things short and sweet and ramble in the tags instead ^^;#i guess the tl;dr is that while i don't know what the song is about#ultimately i wanted to focus on how much heiji and shinichi care about each other#that they both sense when the other is in danger (or going to be)#with heiji having the nightmare where shinichi dies (ep 118) and shinichi knowing instantly when heiji was thrown overboard (ep 174)#their friendship happens so suddenly and probably without either of them really realizing it#but it's real! and they each become a person for the other that they can't see living without#they don't want to become the kind of adult that doesn't have the other#and yet their jobs are dangerous... heiji is present for practically every antidote!shinichi appearance#he's constantly reminded of how being a detective almost got shinichi killed--he's almost always there when shinichi is about to transform#and of course shinichi sees heiji get hurt from detective-ing too#i wish so much that i had actual funi dub clips from 174 but alas i had to make do with faking it ^^;#speaking of faking it i actually have several episodes of detco on vhs and used genuine vhs footage for this vid!#...but damaged it more to make it look more like vhs footage asdfasfdasdfasdf#ahh anyway i love them... this was supposed to be a simple vid but i got carried away (so much masking!)#hope folks like it! i've been dying to post for days but had some technical difficulties ^^; and since i'm outta tags source list is on yt!
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supercantaloupe · 2 years ago
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The Rent Post™
aka, a lengthy screed on how rent the musical goes about adapting la boheme, where it fails, and what can be done about it
so i’m admittedly a reformed Theater Kid™. and tbh i still very much am a Theater Person, even a Musical Theater Person, i’m just in my 20s now and my taste has shifted away from what’s mainstream on broadway right now and closer to the world of opera. but there absolutely was a time in my early teens when i was Really Into Rent, as many Theater Kids™ were…and there was also a time in my later teens when i thought about it and realized that rent was not only just not my thing, but that there were some significant Problems with it, as its own work and as an adaptation. now, having finally seen boheme for myself, i feel like i’m really in a place to piece together how the two works compare to one another, and why/how i think rent falls short of success (as a piece of theater anyway. obviously rent is not lacking in commercial and popular audience success, for better or worse).
i knew years ago that rent is a direct adaptation of la boheme, but wow, only after seeing the opera did i come to realize just how closely rent follows boheme: in plot beats, in character names, even borrowing a couple of lyrics and musical motifs here and there. 
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but it also changes things from the original opera -- namely, it adds things -- and i think this is the first place where rent runs into trouble. now i am by no means such a purist that i think no work should ever be adapted unchanged (more on this later...what’s the point of adaptation if not to change things to make the work resonate with a new audience anyway?). however, any and every change made to an existing work in adaptation should be thoughtfully made and motivated, because every single change has an effect on the whole product in some way, and many small changes can add up to create a rather different final product than a creator might realize. 
(and this goes both ways, i think -- both in a work where a more flawed source material is adapted into something new and better, and when a superior original work is adapted into a worse new creation.)
definitely some of the changes made in rent while adapting la boheme are due to the change in medium. opera and musicals are both theater, sure, and more similar in many ways to each other than either is to straight play or film perhaps, but it’s still like a spanish speaker and an italian speaker trying to have a conversation with one another. the languages are similar and there might even be a bit of crossover in mutual intelligibility but they are still ultimately two different languages with different grammars and vocabulary. opera in general tends to have slower pacing than book musicals, fewer plot threads of equal importance. that rent is specifically a musical adaptation of la boheme, rather than a true rock opera, demonstrates this well. the mimi/rodolfo relationship is still front and center (americanized of course as mimi and roger), with marcello and musetta close behind (though expanded in rent as more of a love triangle among mark, maureen, and joanne, the latter being an invented character for the musical who i think embodies the original marcello as much as mark does). but rent adds a lot of stage time and focus to a new couple, collins and angel, who are directly lifted from colline and schaunard, who are essentially secondary comic relief characters, whereas collins/angel are arguably as important plot wise to mimi/roger and mark/maureen/joanne. 
(and i’m not gonna get into the level of #problematic there is to the depiction of maureen as an overly promiscuous bisexual or discuss why colline and schaunard can’t have been a gay couple the whole time or whatever because. wow i do not care. there are more important things to complain about here c’mon)
first big addition to rent that wasn’t original to boheme is that increased stage presence/focus for collins and angel. it's not inherently a bad addition, and for its time the open depiction of multiple queer romances onstage was still kind of groundbreaking. and yes, rent having a longer runtime than boheme should give it the opportunity to flesh this relationship out more as well as the other two to make sure they all have an equal chance to develop and end in a satisfying way. hell, they don’t even all have to be equal in stage presence/focus/importance to be a positive addition to the show (and how can it be when angel dies halfway through act ii? then again, the character dying doesn’t exactly mean the relationship loses its importance in the plot…) but despite the extra runtime and faster storytelling pace, rent doesn’t actually develop angel and collins all that much, especially not before angel dies. this isn’t an issue with colline and schaunard, of course, cause it’s obvious they’re not important characters in boheme. but collins and angel are arguably more important in rent than even mark/maureen/joanne. and angel dies halfway through act ii…meanwhile, mimi survives the end of rent, when she very pointedly does not in boheme.
and…oh, mimi. she is probably the biggest and most problematic adaptational change in rent as compared to la boheme. on the surface she (and roger/rodolfo) seems the least changed of all the opera’s characters, her name not even undergoing the same americanization treatment as the others. but there are just so many small details that add up and up until she’s a fundamentally different character in rent. i don’t even begrudge the change in occupation: her becoming a stripper/exotic dancer/possible sex worker(?) rather than a seamstress does bring with it some cultural baggage, but i am not personally interested in reading any morality into her choice of occupation, and i choose not to read her line of work as having any implications for her “innocence” or moral value as a character. nor will i read her addiction or disease as being moral qualities either. however: there is a big difference between tuberculosis in the 1840s and both AIDS and drug addiction in the 1980s. neither boheme’s mimi nor rent’s are morally responsible for their illnesses. but there is absolutely nothing mimi could do about her tuberculosis in boheme except die, because it was france in the 1840s and nobody knew what an antibiotic was. in new york in 1989, there were rehab clinics and there were medications for HIV. these things were expensive and hard to access, yes, but rent really goes out of its way to show us that mimi had the resources to access these things -- she is able to afford AZT in act i on her own (and the fact that she’s on AZT is used as shorthand for her HIV+ status, as opposed to other characters about whom we are told outright)...
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… and her relationship with benny (the much-expanded counterpart to boheme’s benoit the landlord character) in act ii, who verbally offers to pay for her admittance to a rehab program.
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yet the next time we see or hear anything of her, her loving mother is calling to ask where she is as she’s presumably gone missing…
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…and then discover she has been living on the street, dying from exposure/disease/addiction. 
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did she do this willingly? did benny refuse to continue supporting her? we don’t really get an answer to any of this; rent isn’t really concerned with why mimi is in the position she’s in, but is rather entirely preoccupied with staying true to boheme -- up until mimi’s death, anyway. because mimi doesn’t die in rent, she is saved, and says that angel told her to keep on living (as though it were a choice). why? we can only speculate. really, if any character embodies the same “dying tragically in a world too cruel for them to survive” theme as mimi in boheme does, it’s angel. and her death is honestly used as a tool throughout the rest of the show: a purpose for kindness, community, life.
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is this a bad “bury your gays” kind of thing? i don’t really know, i’m inclined to believe not. but i do think angel’s death is more thematically akin to mimi’s death in boheme than the actual (near-)death of mimi in rent. 
and this is the biggest difference between rent and boheme: boheme is not about hope. boheme is a tragic romance about how important relationships are among people in disadvantaged communities/situations, but it does not say that love will transcend or materially improve those conditions. rent, by contrast, does. rent suggests that the love of partners and community (even if filled with complications and tensions) is lifesaving. 
(and i know rent’s stated thesis is “no day but today,” i.e. live and enjoy every day as though it could be your last, but i think thematically all the characters and their interactions overall suggest a theme of community just as if not more strongly, whereas “no day but today” is more limited to the HIV+ characters and has little to do with the mark/maureen/joanne subplot. mimi's outlook on "no day but today" changes when she chooses to stay alive on the urging of angel from the other side.) 
now i don’t think this is altogether a bad moral to have in your theater piece. especially in one of the first major pieces of theater centered on marginalized queer characters. i will not deny how important and cathartic it can be, both now and especially thirty years ago when rent premiered, to end on a hopeful note rather than a tragic one. but i have a couple of issues with how rent goes about making this its central theme. for one thing, mimi has frankly too many Things affecting her health in the end for her survival to be realistic, and absolutely nothing up to this point in the show has suggested a setting of magical realism or pseudofantasy; everything has been as grounded in real life as possible, until finale b, when mimi suddenly and near-inexplicably survives. it feels like it comes out of nowhere tonally and thus isn’t very satisfying an ending when put to scrutiny. for another, angel has already died, and angel is, compared to mimi, a much more beloved and uncomplicatedly positive force in their community and relationships. angel’s entire stage presence (while she’s alive and when her character is invoked or referenced after her death) is a positive one: caring for collins when he’s injured, providing food and funds to the group, placating arguments, etc.
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and the fact that angel has no concerned parents leaving her voicemails, unlike mark, roger, and mimi, underscores that she has no one else to lean on for support except her community of bohemians. and we’re not given a reason to believe one way or the other about her home life or financial stability outside of today 4 u when she got a sudden windfall for killing a dog (whatever; schaunard did the same thing to the parrot in boheme). in contrast to mimi, roger, and especially mark, who are clearly shown to have family who care about them and want to support them, yet they choose to live in romanticized poverty anyway. mark even gets a good job in filming and still finds a way to complain about it.
really, except for angel (and arguably collins, too), it’s difficult to totally sympathize with the characters in rent and care fully about their plight because they’re just…not depicted as particularly likable people. maureen is an unfaithful and kind of manipulative partner, and her approach to “protest” is really just bad self-absorbed performance art. roger just kind of sucks at songwriting (how is your eyes the song that he’s spent the whole show writing? it’s the worst number in the musical lol), and he’s quick to anger…his decision to leave mimi makes even less sense here than rodolfo’s decision to leave her in boheme, where at least he did so out of genuine concern for her health (also why does he leave mark? rodolfo embraces marcello as a friend still after mimi leaves in boheme...act iii of boheme is the least closely adapted in rent by far.). wheras in rent roger seems to be both genuinely jealous of mimi interacting with other men and upset by her continued drug use. although this last one i don’t begrudge him for, since it’s made clear he’s a recovering addict himself…although it does make mimi’s relationship with him all the worse, considering that mimi’s take on the whole “no day but today” theme is to throw caution to the wind with her actions and not worry about the future at all, and her interacting with roger is directly tempting him back into addiction which he clearly does not want. (and roger’s rejection of her in another day is framed as him being in the wrong with mimi being backed up by the life support chorus…)
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while mimi as we’ve seen is reckless and throws her life away even when people try to help her (very very different from boheme’s mimi, who makes no particularly reckless choices, and accepts help when it's offered). and mark is entitled and uses his film as an excuse to disengage with the real world, even exploit it (see: the way he films the life support meeting without permission, or the homeless woman, which is never really confronted elsewhere in the show…)
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the inclusion of a homelessness subplot in rent is particularly strange to me. it shows up a lot, especially in act i: the threat of homelessness for the main characters should they not pay their rent or come to some kind of agreement with their landlord; the vague future threat of benny’s “cyberarts studio” getting built which is implied would evict those living in tents on the lot; mimi being found living on the street in the finale; and the chorus/ensemble who show up periodically, as above. homelessness is an ever present element of set dressing/conflict in rent but it’s never really addressed, no points are ever made about it, which is in my opinion kind of wild and very unsatisfying. the above scene especially, considering how direct of a callout it is towards the show’s own characters and writing, yet it is never addressed afterwards, and this conflict is never really resolved. 
one could take similar issue with the choice to swap tuberculosis in boheme with AIDS in rent. though in my opinion i think addiction is as much as if not more rent’s analogue to boheme’s TB, since that is a much more acutely seen disease for mimi and only mimi while there are multiple characters (main and chorus) living with HIV…then again, angel is the character who gets the real tragic death analogous to mimi’s in boheme, and angel dies of complications from AIDS, so i suppose it’s open to debate. regardless, there’s a significant contextual difference between TB in the 1840s and HIV and addiction in the 1980s: there was no system, political, social, or medical, that could truly heal someone of tuberculosis in boheme’s setting. but there very much was a medical and social system in place to help people with HIV and addiction in the 1980s; systems which were aggressively denied to those who were suffering by the political system. and for as much as the characters in rent like to sing about revolution, protest, and activism, not a single one actually challenges the powers that be or call out by name those responsible for the systematic denial of healthcare to the marginalized. activism and artistic revolution is hollow and meaningless in rent, they never name a real enemy, just a vague sense of “the man.” but it’s a story set in a real and still recent historical time period, the effects of which we still deal with today (and i’m sure even more acutely so back in 1996); it just feels disrespectful to me to use those crises as such important set dressing for your musical which positions itself as a “fuck the man” revolutionary kind of piece of theater and yet do or say absolutely nothing about the real world issues it is appropriating. for more information i highly recommend checking out lindsay ellis’ video on the topic. 
so is all this to say i think rent is an irredeemable, fundamentally broken work? actually, no; i think it has a decent foundation and some solid music. i understand the reasoning behind and appeal of updating an old work to a new time period/setting for a new audience, and i think trading 1840s paris for 1980s nyc is an interesting and workable substitution. but when i look at rent as it is now, i just do not see a finished product. 
and i think this is the most frustrating and disappointing thing about rent to me: rent is, quite literally, an unfinished show. its composer and librettist, jonathan larson, died suddenly the day of its first preview performance. and for so many developing (off-)broadway shows, previews are when the actual finished product is crafted, as the show is revised based on audience reactions. of course audience and critical reception to rent from the very beginning was positive, but i can’t help but speculate how much of that is influenced by the mere fact of its creator’s untimely death. and i wonder what changes larson would have made to his show if he had lived, and been able to hear the audience’s reactions, and revise the show accordingly. i wonder if he would have thought it worked. i wonder if he would have seen the same cracks that i see in it. i don’t think rent is inherently unsalvageable, but it is so far unsalvaged. 
and frankly i don’t know that it ever will be salvaged; not for many years, at least. not until copyright and licensing in musical theater changes, and not until broadway audiences get more comfortable with the idea of altering beloved and familiar classics (the 2019 revival of oklahoma! was, in my opinion, a work of genius, but i’m well aware my opinion is not universal, and especially during its national tour the show’s entire concept has been extremely controversial). do to rent what bartlett sher and aaron sorkin are doing to camelot right now: keep the heart and soul of the piece intact, but rewrite what doesn’t work. or do something even more drastic, cut subplots and change character traits, i don’t know. maybe mimi should die; maybe it really is important that she survive! maybe rent shouldn’t have been based on boheme at all; hell, what would rent look like if it was based on la traviata instead? (well the answer to this one is “a different show entirely,” most likely, but if you want to write a poignant and tragic love story based on a romantic opera and set in 1980s nyc featuring queer and/or HIV+ characters, well…it could work and i’ll leave it there.) maybe that’s going too far, i don’t know, but the point is, i want to see directors and writers have the freedom to try that stuff out. because i don’t think rent is unsalvageable; i think it’s unfinished. 
but rent is far too popular and beloved for anyone to dare touch its libretto with new ink. the memory of jonathan larson is held far too preciously for anyone to allow such debasement of his work. when searching online for libretti to reference when writing this essay, i found one transcribed script with this at its heading:
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and i think that about sums it up for me. “may he be friggen worshiped!” him and all his creations, holy and untouchable.  it’d be tantamount to theater sacrilege at this point to try and change it. how dare you sully larson’s good name by thinking you could “fix” his masterpiece…the masterpiece no one wants to admit he never got to actually finish. well, i don’t know, maybe it’s me being jewish and sentimental here, but if i have enough respect for a piece of work i want to be able to engage with it and question it and interpret it as i think it best ought to be. (jonathan larson was also jewish. would he agree with me? i don’t know. but i think he’d want to see the best of his work, just like i do.) live theater is inherently participatory and dialectical. and it ought to be alive, not carved into stone. neither immovable nor under threat of utter annihilation should someone come too close with a chisel. rent has potential. la boheme is still as affecting today as it was a hundred thirty years ago (did you know rent premiered almost exactly a hundred years after la boheme?). rent could be the same. and it does have emotionality behind it as it is now, credit where credit’s due. but it could be more than just that. if we could just let someone finish the thing already, even if larson himself couldn’t.
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rayofmisfortune · 7 months ago
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The DP graphic novel is in my hands...
JFNXNFNCC REEEEEEEEE CAN'T WAIT TO READ IT JUST EEEEEEE AAAAAAH THE ART AAAAA MY BELOVED AND DANNY AND EVERYTHING PPL SAY ABT IT BEING THE BEST GODDAMN THING DP SINCE SEASON 2 JFJFJFFJJ (yea sure I could've listened to a comic dub or read it online BUT SHHHHHHHHHH WE DON'T TALK ABOUT THAT AH) Saw ppl saying Glitch in Time fixes Phantom Planet??? I'm rambling oh lord BUT I'M JUST SO EXCITED TO READ THROUGH IT SND PERCIEVE THE GORGEOUS ART AND JUST AAAAAAAAAA
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the-wreck-of-1852 · 7 months ago
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it just hit me that i'm halfway through season 4 right now and i am terrified of the end...
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maddy-ferguson · 1 month ago
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talking to new people again is making me realize that (this is gonna sound dramatic) i haven't lived in five years but what i have done is watch a lot of movies and read a bunch of books and believe it or not that actually makes me an interesting conversationalist in some ways (?)
#and like i say: brf slt#they don't know i'm crazy and as long as you're normal about it having seen a lot of movies just makes you come off as someone who's like#interested in culture i guess. which i am. but it's fun#and the books thing too and also knowing a lot about sociology#i have things to say jokes to make so in two months they haven't even realized i haven't lived a life yet🙏#i didn't even do it on purpose the way it happened is in 2019 i was very depressed suicidal etc then i got better but i was focused on#like...idk. basically getting used to being okay with being alive again? then it was 2020 and we didn't have classes in person full time#until september 2021. that's how it was for university students here. i did hang out with people but no one i LOVED or actually became#close with and it's true that i could have tried harder but i didn't because guys i love being by myself😭😭😭#then three years went by and now we're here. it's fine it's just that i don't have a lot of anecdotes that aren't old because LITERALLY#nothing has happened to me. nothing#that's not true i did talk about something semi-recent to my bff on friday it was about my 'friends' who hated on everyone the same way i#did when i was literally 12 and about how anxiety inducing it was because after a while i was like is this how they talk about me when i'm#not around🤨 i actually talked about that then. january or february 2023#this has been in my drafts for a week and i talked about the post i talk about in that last tag last week when i talked about my mutual who#blocked me that's the post she replied to to give me advice😔#also it's funny i said they don't know i'm crazy and a guy asked me what my favorite tv shows were and i don't know why i actually gave him#my full list like it's funny because like i said they think i like like good movies and good television and interesting books and stuff#and i know the shows i told him made him reassess that (which is fine but it's just funny) and also i told him i'm watching gilmore girls#for the 18th time and he was like you're joking i was like hm...and then he was like no you're being serious because it's way too#precise...and THAT i could have not told him. i was like whyyy did i tell him that...but it's fine#HE HADN'T EVEN HEARD OF SUCCESSION? 34-year-olds...#i mentioned the sopranos a couple weeks ago and my future bff was like what is that and i was like ? then i asked two more people and they#didn't know the show either so i was like i'll ask him (34-year-old) i know he'll know the sopranos and he was like OBVIOUSLY i know#the sopranos it's supposed to be one of the best shows of all time and later i asked if he had seen succession and he'd never even heard of#it? crazy. i mean if it had been anyone else i wouldn't have thought it was crazy but i expected HIM to know succession
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keeps-ache · 2 months ago
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gonna keep it shmoovin man
#just me hi#i have a piece i was working on last night that i realized after i didn't have my computer could actually be Much more accurate to my ideaa#but that means i gotta scrap some stuff. sigh ᴗ.ᴗ#also i couldn't get around to readin my thing yesterday cuz my focus was shot for some reason lmao <//3#i would open the thing and then just start. driiiifting away kfshvg#//anyway idk what happened but why have i started to miss Gs at the end of my words Lmfhvaf#i already do that in real life we don't needa do that here too kfshvh#'asz wu' 'm sayin man !!' <- my engrish :3#i do like it though i think it's fun :> but my typingggg not you too kfsvhg#//anywho i've got a $1.75 thing i'm workin on :D#it's gonna hopefully be the third part to those last two i did for that thing#which goes adoration -> devotion -> guess hfh :3#i'm normal abt these guys. [places them in a lunchbox and throws it into the river to watch the bubbles] yea :)#//anyway Wednesday#not the best of the week days i will not lie#like you're stuck between the beginning and the end and it's just got that undecided feeling to it ykno what i mean pfshv#//also LMAO i've been calling feet/foot 'peets/poot' bc i think it's goofy and i don't like the F sound#and i got leo into saying it and he was talkin to somebody and had to explain what it was Lmfhjshfg#my infec- influence is spreading. influence. that's what i said#my woerds: peet. poot. tomach. shnoze. ham. heed. fingaa. ect ect#//ouhhh my collarbone keeps making these snappy noises when i pull my shoulders back#it's only occasional but holy shizz it's loud sometimes. like 'when we're in church i think you can hear it 4 pews back' loud khgsfjhfvjg#//ANYWAY i was mentioning wednesday earlier cuz it's not the best of days on the week (we know this) but i wanna go skating </3#'why isn't wednesday good for that' because it's the middle of the week. [gesturing]#i can't explain it but things need to happen on- Oo i like this songgggkkggg- either weekends or the other 4 days of the weekday#wednesday is for appointments you really don't want. i'm sorry but it's a filler day <//3#which means no happenings on a wednesday. it's illegal. that's right. Illegal#even thursday is iffy man. tuesday? tuesday is your last-chance stop. perhaps i do have thoughts about silly things Kfhvsjhgsf#nobody tell leo he's tryna get me for having a weird brain. the sentence is 5000 years of i-told-you 😔 Lmaooo#//OKAY i think i'm outta tags tho lemme say ciao here loll :3 toodles tooooodles !!! <3
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iamnathannah · 5 months ago
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I guess I can say this finally...
Yes, my Glorbie NWSL soccer prompt (that I'll maybe post one day) does feature Sophia Bush-adjacent slander and Barbie is pretty much Ali Krieger because I can't deal with cheaters and Gloria is her salvation as the new owner, a Honduramerican Rebecca Welton (America looks hot in a suit skirted or panted, it's required).
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companion-showdown · 2 years ago
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Option 1 was suggested by @intodarknes
Option 2 was suggested by anonymous
The generic line up will be changed to include companions who have been specifically requested (their may be other changes depending on the tournament, for example option 1 would be a whole new line up, or including robots who don't wear clothes wouldn't make sense in a tournament judging fashion)
Lucie Miller will replace Josie Day (requested by @thenugking)
Hex Schofield will replace Sabalom Glitz (requested by @thenugking)
Alison Cheney will replace Kate Stewart (requested by anonyomous)
If you want to suggest a companion you'd like to join the general line up or just the line up to a specific tournament, either leave it in the notes of this post (or any really, but for the purposes of me being able fo find it easily it'd be nice if you left it here), or send me an ask. This includes anyone who I've swapped out, who you think should stay. I'm especially interested in almost / could have been companions, theres so many I'm sure I'll miss your favourite whenever we eventually get round to that tournament
If you'd like to suggest a tournament then similarly
You can find all suggested tournaments, my ideas, and requested companions under the tag #future tournament ideas
#at some point i'll have to draw the line on companion requests#but there's still enough tv companions i'm comfortable getting rid of#i don't know if there are any eu companions i've listed who i'd feel similarly about#so if there are any whose companion status is highly disputed that might also be a thing to let me know#heres the tag mentioned in the post#future tournament ideas#best fashion sense requires more work in set up#becuase i'd need more images for the graphics to properly demonstrate what we're judging#so if that wins it will take a lot longer for the tournament to start#tagging these polls#up next#from now on so they're easy to find if you miss it when its published#i am considering hottest companion as an option#so we'll see if it makes it on this poll next time#oh and current companions i'm happy to kick out to accomodate requests are#wilf. sara kingdom. chang lee. karvanista. mickey at a push. kamelion maybe. handles. adam mitchell. gillian and john who. katarina#at an absolute push romana i and ii could be listed together#these aren't necessarily in the order i'd get rid of them#i was just looking down the current bracket#i guess id also get rid of benton. yates. river. k9#the line in the sand is if a tv companion is undisputed as a companion they're staying#those 4 are in the blurry middle where i definitely consider them a companion but their status is disputed by others#anyway ive talked too long in these tags#if any of those are must stays for you it might be worth letting me know so at minimum they move to the bottom of the list#the really important thing here is vote for the tournament you want to see next
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sherlock-is-ace · 9 months ago
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#gonna be depressing in the tags for a moment#pls excuse me#but whenevery i see a pair of friends that are like soulmates together#who laugh and scream about what they love and have so many things in common#i always become the personification of ''i want what they have''#ever since i was a child i would pray (you heard that right lol) to get a best friend who shared my interests and passions#(and who was gay but that's included in interests and passions lol tho i didn't know it at the time)#i dream with the sitcom worthy friendships with the you get the key to my house and you can come in whenever#we just spend days sitting together and not even talking just being there#or the next best thing. find it online!#but that will never happen and i need to accept that#not even for lack of trying... i even went to a hobby class for a whole month trying to make friends irl#but it's impossible for the simplest reason... i don't enjoy it!#every time i try to do something new and out of my comfort zone i fail misserably because it's literal hell to me#how can i make a friend if i cannot talk to people?#online or whatever?!#i can't even talk to the people i know from school or whatever#i put in so much fucking effort and freak myself out!#and it's not working and it won't work and idk what to do about it!#so yeah i don't think i'm capable of having meaningful relationships actually#and i need to really accept that cause otherwise i will forever dream with it#like i need to stop trying to chase after it it's just not gonna happen#i guess people have these feelings about romantic partners? well not me lol#anyways...#angel talks#personal
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thegempage · 5 months ago
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eeeuuuuggghhh i'm gonna bitch in the tags a bit bcus this isn't like. serious enough to put more effort into it than that but i also don't want it to sit in my brain.
#little rock.txt#venting#self harm in tags btw#anyway. wow i hate intrusive thoughts.#like great guys. it's so cool that the way we're deciding to spend our time is constantly thinking about ways to hurt myself#oh wow stabbing myself with a knife someone left on the counter? so original. never been seen before#oh starving myself?? even when my lovely friend made us a whole dinner?? that's lovely. wow. not even a little bit rude#standing in traffic until someone comes and hits me? at least that wouldn't damage my fucking car like your other ideas!#taking something sharp to my sunburns for a two-birds-one-stone thing?? i guess you're making the best of the circumstances#like jesus fucking christ Grow Up. am i fifteen goddamn years old again#like if we're being So real the consequences of actually self-harming Far outweigh the benefits so i'm not at any real risk#(i do Not want to deal with the fallout of 1. cleaning those wounds 2. confronting my housemates with active self-harm#they actively do not deserve that happening to them)#(hi guys btw sorry. i'm fine)#but that just means i'm sitting here like. so are you gonna be productive or....?#like i had plans of what i wanted to do with my brain power tonight. was gonna write. maybe clip a stream. and we're...?#oh just sitting on my laptop playing music too loud bcus if i could hear my own thoughts it'd be a nightmare? neat.#jesus christ can i be a normal goddamn person for like fifteen minutes and get out of this anxiety spiral. it's been over 24 hours.#whatever. like at this point it's fucking whatever. if i can't drag myself into being productive i'm just gonna go to bed.#“opal is being mean to yourself really going to help” i don't know. i doubt it. unfortunately i am in the mood to be a bitch#and the only person who deserves to deal with bitchy opal is me. so.#anyway if you read all of this uuuhhh sorry. i am like this. but hey. thank you for caring
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cryptojuice · 1 year ago
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take this with a grain of extremely drunk but at this point I'm my journey? now? I'm like literally the idealest person in the world and I think everyone else has something wrong with them
#is it autism? is that why people don't just fuckin communicate with me?#my autistic superpower is im TOO GOOD at communicating and everyone else is behind me.#im already in the 'so how do we meet our needs' stage when other people are in the avoidance stage or the self awareness stage#idk. idk. fuckin tired of it#tired of games tired of excuses tired of IMMATURITY#tired of being more grown than people in their mid 30s. tired of being more grown than my parents in their mid 50s#tired of being the ONLY person i know ACTIVELY working on their flaws and making progress#maybe others are just working on things i dont notice and maybe others dont notice what im doing. but idk. people have seemed to notice.#is it because im becoming buddhist? am i like more fucking enlightened or something?#i would hope that wouldn't be the only thing causing such a disconnect cause that sounds fucking pretentious#im drunk cause i was upset. remember yhis if you're reading these tags#im not upset anymore cause i got drunk. and made a really good omelette#but yeah i feel so different from other people. so much better and also so much worse. hashtag paradox#best communicator deepest thinker most compassionate soul. also most horrible awful sinner#↑obsessed with the concept of sin in a fascinating way for someone who doesn't Believe in it#yes im a sinner yes im a real sex demon from hell no hell doesnt exist yes reincarnation is real yes i am buddhist yes i believe in ghosts.#i contain multitudes#anyways#i was supposed to *** ** ***** *** today and i didn't so I got grumpy i guess#i really need to practice the principles of detachment#I've gotten a lot better at patience and calm and meditation but i still care so much about inconsequential shit. enough to drink it away i#i should sleep i was trying to fix my sleep schedule the last two nights#but i don't want to. i want to drink and have fun and maybe cry#we'll see#doubt anyone is gonna read this it's mostly for me#gonna tag this#therapy#so i can find it if i need it#i just miss my girlfriend man. but she stood me up again without a word and it's disrespectful#and i know I'm gonna forgive her
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