#;; berat yalaz

[keremdogulu]

TYPE: Self Para @berat-yalaz

PART ONE OF TWO.

SUMMARY: This is a part of his reply to @emine--yalaz but also his self para.

Keder, aşk için ödediğimiz bedeldir.

To breathe again, he wasn't sure if it was a blessing or a curse.

"It's..." Emine had said "Berat."

"What happ-- " he knew. The look on her face, the floor threatened to swallow him whole. "Is...is he hurt?" It was the same denial he'd had three weeks ago, but this one was the worst kind.

Kerem was pretty sure he might fucking pass out.

This surreality? It was roaring in his ears, unable to focus on anything as the world fell into silent chaos. The familiar timber of Berat's voice echoed through his mind, that laugh that so often made him feel at home nothing but dread that was collecting within him. The clogging in the back of his throat, the familiar burning behind his eyes as the pressure built and built.

Gone? Gone, gone? Not just hurt, there would be no recovery.

De-- no. He couldn't.

His world was crumbling, on fire, spreading and catching onto everything he held dear. Kerem was descending into madenning chaos, into the unknown and he'd never known such undiluted terror before. His nose burned every time he tried to bring air into his body, to keep himself from passing out from the spot in which he stood.

The look on Emine's face broke everything he'd known about his resolve, the way she -- for the life of him, it tore him apart to see her in such disarray. In such unbridled pain. He was frozen, unmoving, and unable to voice exactly how the world seemingly stopped moving. Berat was his brother, they'd fought side by side together for so long that it'd been natural.

Three weeks had felt like torture, even if he'd been pissed.

Friends fought...all the time, right?

He wasn't sure if it was because he was scared he was going to collapse, or because he needed to hold her again, but his arms found her, pulling her close as he tried to keep them here. His mind was spinning, and his world was imploding.

He wasn't going to be able to keep this upcoming eruption at bay much longer, he could feel it winding through his bloodstream and speeding straight for his faltering heart. It was breaking, more than anything could ever possibly break.

Irreplaceable. Irreparable.

Kerem tried to swallow, heaving in the process.

This...this was not real. It couldn't be real.

"Please." The words were but a whimper, his lashes fluttering as they collected water droplets in their erratic dance. "Oh god, you're wrong. You've gotta be -- " The second the words left his mouth, they tasted like ash. The truth seeped into the knowing part of his brain. "this is not happening."

Kerem had done this. This was his fucking fault.

They had been laughing so wildly, that he wasn't sure he'd ever be able to stop, ever be able to breathe again with this feeling of freedom. Berat had been narrating some fucking show as they'd lounged around doing fuck all. Those had been simpler times, even if things had never been simple in the first place. Berat had always had a way of bringing out a more relaxed version of Kerem, always pushing him to do things that he might have shied away from. They had been a duo, there had never been one without the fucking other. And now.

Kerem couldn't remember what had been so damn funny now, but he wished he did. He wished he could remember every single fucking moment he'd been blessed by his best friend's presence. How could he have gone back to that, but that voice in his head came for him 'Because you threw him away without regard for everything he's done for you over Nevra'

He slammed backward, pulling away from Emine. His palms found his eyes as he pushed and pushed.

No. No. No. No. No.

He wished he could go back three weeks and say something different. Be different.

Nevra's name came to mind and he couldn't stop himself as his legs rushed to the nearest bin, he emptied the contents of his stomach in such a violent fashion he gasped trying to claw air back into his throat through the blinding tears. Berat couldn't be gone. But he was.

Kerem had hurt everyone he loved in that fallout, and it'd ended with his best friend's life. If the guilt hadn't been there before, it was now attempting a sniper-styled assassination. Was this his fucking fault? Truly? Had he robbed everyone of knowing him because of a stupid fucking fight?

It hit him.

Berat was dead.

He wanted to tare his fucking heart out of his chest and be done. He wouldn't, but he wanted to. Even as the room closed in on him, breath was stolen from his lungs once again at the onslaught of memories. He'd never get to make new ones because drugs had stolen his life, had embedded itself so deep into who he was, it'd warped his sense of self. Berat had so much to fucking offer and give.

But addiction never lets its victims go easily.

Or at all.

"I did this, this is my fault." Kerem sobbed. "This...this is my fault."

[amescastaignede]

FOR: @berat-yalaz WHEN: 23rd of February, 2024. WHERE: Barbican Centre. Post Auction.

"Look at us poors, climbing the ranks to charity auctions."

[emine--yalaz]

☎

NAME: Berat

RINGTONE: Standard

PICTURE: 

LAST TEXT SENT:  >>> Did you hear about the shooting outside of the bakery? >>> Mrs. Aksoy and Mr. Demirci were killed. >>> I am still getting all the details.

[ayda--demir]

☎

NAME: Berat

PICTURE: 

LAST TEXT SENT:  txt: I hope to see you at the party.

[keremdogulu]

Kerem: Look, I'm down to go. Kerem: I spoke with who I needed to, anyway.

Azra: That sounds like a good idea. My plan for tonight was not working out anyway. Everyone is either too drunk or too angry to talk . Azra: You were right Emine. Coming here was a bad idea.

[amaroadriana]

In memory of @berat-yalaz

Southwark Park was perfect in the late hours of the night. There were hardly any people around to disturb the peace she was seeking. With the river gently flowing by, Adriana settled on the side of it and opened a bottle of tequila.

They'd come here once before, drunk and high off their asses, just dancing down the path of the park, seemingly having the times of their lives when, in reality, they just wanted to hide whatever each was feeling inside.

She asked to be alone for this, not wanting anyone else to be by her side, not wanting any distractions, just a moment to herself. Picking up her phone, she found his name 'Bee" with the emoji at the end, and pressed the call button.

It immediately went to voicemail, just as she expected.

"Hey you." She started off, taking the bottle in her other hand.

"I guess this is the last time I will talk to you. I just hear the news..." A heavy sigh left her, as she looked down at the water below her feet. "You were a good one, you know? With all the shit, with all your troubles... You really were. You were a good friend, and you were fun to be around. Up or down, it didn't really matter to me. So it's sad to know that you're not going to be around no more."

She poured some of the tequila into the river, a last solute to him.

"I hope you're going to have rest now. I hope that you forget all your troubles, like they say, and can finally be at peace."

Adriana took a sip from the bottle. "A veces la muerte es más justa que la vida."

Sometimes death is fairer than life.

"I'll miss you."

And so she hung up on him, for the last time.

[leylayilmazx]

Berat

[57 missed calls] Leyla: Hello???? Leyla: Can you pick up?? Leyla: Are you okay? [13 missed calls] Leyla: Any sign of life? Leyla: We said we wouldn't do this!!!!! [5 missed calls] Leyla: Any sign of life... Because of that article??? Leyla: Please? [2 missed calls] Leyla: I'll wait by the phone

[maksimkurylenko]

FOR: @berat-yalaz

WHEN: 06th of August, 2023.

WHERE: Haringey.

Maksim walked into the streets of Haringey, not far from his home; or the place he slept. These days there wasn't much time to himself, far from it actually. A deep sense of dread washed over him -- if this continued there'd be nothing left for them to hold onto. This once bustling town was now a mere shadow of its former self, destroyed by the ruthless vengeance of the French and the wars that'd taken to the streets because of Aurélie. The scars of war were evident everywhere - crumbling buildings, deserted streets, and an air of desolation that hung heavy in the atmosphere. He wondered if there was a way to rise from the ashes.

Meandering on, head hung low and hands delved deep into the pockets of his worn down jeans, Maksim caught sight of a familiar figure. It was Berat, they weren't friends by any means. But they did have a common enemy these days. Their alliance had been waning for some time. It wasn't lost on the Russians, but they hadn't outwardly admitted anything yet.

''Berat,'' Maksim said with a nod of his head.

[ayaz--ates]

@Berat. [text]

Ayaz: My mother said you went home.

Ayaz: Your entire borough is on fire, and you run away like a fucking coward..? I probably should've seen it coming.

Ayaz: Do us all a favour and stay. Your idiot fucking friends are mentally inept enough without you dragging down the average. It's more productive for us this way.

[leylayilmazx]

The picture had her frozen in place. It's not because she didn't have any pictures around her place, she took most of them when she moved out from her parents' house and the rest after the funeral when she saw her parents were ready to throw everything out. No, it was the memory of it all, seeing her sister so happy, seeing Berat so damn happy.

It was one of those moments where everything seemed right. Where there was no right or wrong, no nothing to deal with that would later have repercussions. No. It was them in a little bubble, one that even when she was little, even when she knew she was annoying them with her presence, they were happy. Truly happy, the kind that would have been so hard to come by given who they were, where they were.

"Berat..." Her voice is low as she stares at the picture, her hand finding his the moment he reached for it. "This is..." There were no right words for it, nothing that would have explained the kind of emotions she was feeling. Leyla was just thankful he was there, right there by her side. That even though her sister was gone, even those of his and her cousin's relationship was strained... He was there. He came back to her.

"Don't... Don't say anything... Please." She turned her head towards him, her eyes leading. Because she didn't want to hear anything from him because Berat was there. Whatever he had been going through, whatever was happening, he still came back to her. That was all that mattered, that was all that would ever matter to her. Because she wasn't a person who believed in words. Her parents taught her that much. She was a person who believed in actions, and his actions spoke for themselves.

As he kissed her hand, her free one found its way to his face, cupping his cheek as she nodded. "Me too. I miss her so fucking much." Ceren was a part of her and always would be, it was why she had been feeling so damn empty. "I don't want to miss you." She said, pulling his face closer, so their foreheads were resting against each other. "You're already here, that's all that matters to me. Just you."

leylayilmazx​:

See how you’re doing…

There was no answer to that, it was simply pretending. Pretending that everything was okay, that she didn’t know what had happened, that she didn’t know the way that her sister’s and brother-in-law’s bodies were mutilated… Not as if any of that haunted her.

“I’m good. You know, just settling into this new place.” A lie after a lie, but he didn’t need to know that. Instead, Leyla reached out for her glass of wine, drinking the whole glass in one go before quickly pulling up to refill. “Sorry, I’m just thirsty from the moving.” Another lie. Those came so easily to her in those days. 

Some kept telling her it had been over a year, everything should feel like a memory of the past. She was supposed to think only of the good things that happened. The moments they have shared as a fucking photo album. 

Surprised, she arched her brow, still patting a place next to her to make sure he sat down. “For me?” She laughed, taking another sip of her wine, and then another before putting it back down on the table. “Berat… The only present I need is to see you.” She smiled, taking his hand in hers. “I just missed you, you know? You and… You were so close and I just…” She didn’t want to lose more than she already had, but it was something she didn’t say out loud. 

It was nice, for the first evening in her new place, to have someone there beside her. Even better that it was him.

“Come beside me and I will open it. Deal?” 

.

‘I just missed you, you know.’

But Berat didn’t deserve that, and neither did she, and as she took a hold of his hand, he felt guilty for fooling her into thinking he was ever worth missing at all. Just as he felt guilty for wishing that she wouldn’t let him go again. 

When they sat, his hand didn’t retreat until she opened the gift.

It was a photograph. A little old, slightly faded, with four figures clear enough that seeing them again, even from the corner of his eye, was enough to tighten his throat. When his mother had first handed it to him, Berat realised that whilst he couldn’t recall ever having seen the photo before, he could absolutely recall it being taken. The memory was still etched in his mind crystal clear; remembering it a miracle given the state his head was in these days. He could barely remember reasons to keep fucking breathing, and perhaps that’s what made the ease of returning to happier times so much more devastating. He would never feel how he did that day again.

The frame wasn’t much, but it’d been all he could afford to save. And he had saved it. No asking for help, no stealing from people who deserved better when he thought they wouldn’t notice. Berat had wanted this to be from him.

He’d gone without and it was worth it. She was. 

“I know it’s not a lot but, I just thought you should have it…” 

It was him who stood at the centre of the photo, about the broadest grin he could ever remember wearing plastered across his face. They were just kids. Happy. Ceren was held up on his back, arms tightly wound around his neck as he carried her like the damn princess she was. Ayaz was beside him, and the fact it might well have been the last photo he’d been a part of before he left them made the memory that much more bittersweet. Berat mightn’t have been so keen to admit it, but he missed him, too. And then there was Leyla. A tiny dot of a thing, tormenting her cousin like always, the spitting image of her sister… 

Finding the words felt more difficult now. Maybe he should’ve just left it for her instead of delivering it himself, as he’d initially planned. 

How had everything unravelled so fucking badly..? How had it come to this?

“Leyla, I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you.” It was a sentiment he’d tortured himself with plenty, but had never found the courage to admit out loud. Until now. “Don’t excuse me being a shitty human being by saying I was grieving, too. It doesn’t matter.” The weight of his selfishness, the realisation of how far it reached, seemed to be crushing him. Berat took her hand in his again. Careful not to startle her in a particularly sombre moment. Maybe he’d only brought it to his lips, kissed the back of it gently, because he needed time to steel himself. Because he wasn’t sure he could’ve gotten words past the lump in his throat even if he’d wanted to…

“I miss her every day.” Every single one. “But we never should have had to miss each other, and I’m sorry I couldn’t be better. I want to, though. Let me try.”

[mobscene-awards]

RUNNERS UP:

Adriana Amaro | 11

Berat Yalaz | 9

Lyudmila Korshunova | 6

[keremdogulu]

FOR: @berat-yalaz TYPE: Reaction. Lost Cause.

Sitting back in the chair, which now felt like it offered no softness, he shifted once and then twice. It was hot in here, wasn't it? "Berat Yalaz, Lost Cause." He felt sick, could feel it curdling in his stomach, as he grabbed the alcoholic beverage next to his water and downed it with a sharp hiss. "Fuck, fuck." He whispered, leg bouncing incessantly.

[amescastaignede]

FOR: @berat-yalaz

WHEN: 4th of August, 2023.

WHERE: Emine's Birthday & Engagement Party.

The room was alive, but in her the corner, in a world of her own, she found solace to that unending anxiety but sitting at a small table covered with colorful confetti and scattered of half-empty glasses. In front of her, a pile of beer mats were being strategically placed by Amélie with such concentration that when she saw the figure appear to her side she didn't even look up.

''One more -- just one second,'' glancing up for a mere second. ''Oh, Berat. H-Hey,''

[emine--yalaz]

Type: Acceptance Speech - Lost Cause (for her brother) For: @mobscene-awards

Emine was seething. She could feel her body begin to shake and the fact that her brother became a joke, when none of these fuckers knew who he truly was, she wanted them all to burn to the fucking ground.

Taking a deep breath, she stands from her seat and makes her way up to the stage, taking the award from the presenter. Tears already pool in the corner of her eyes and though she wanted to scream at all of them, she decided, for once in her life, to be the bigger person.

She stood straight, her eyes falling onto Kerem, needing to be centred and even though he broke her, he was still that person.

"O Allah, forgive Berat and elevate his station among those who are guided. Send him along the path of those who came before, and forgive us and him, O Lord of the worlds. Enlarge for him his grave and shed light upon him in it."

With that she returns back to her seat, the pain gnawing in her chest.

[ayda--demir]

where: after party who: @berat-yalaz

"How are you feeling about your trip?" Ayda comes up next to Berat. "Have you met Giordana before?"

[erdogan-nevra]

Nevra Erdoğan attends Valentine’s Day Event at The Barbican Centre.

Date: Friday, February 23rd, 2024.

Escorted By: Berat Yalaz